Bill Burr Takes Us On a Ride

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands,

Speaker 2 Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands. Bobby's in a new hit movie out real soon.

Speaker 3 Did you read any reviews?

Speaker 2 I read a couple. It was a review.

Speaker 2 Bring up one of the reviews for Borderlands. I want to see it.
The video game adaptation falls short of low expectations. So they set the bar low.
They still went below it. Yep.
Once

Speaker 2 there was a pleasant highlight, though, as I must say, almost saved the film for me, if not his brief appearance, Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 His presence gave me an ease of laughter that I needed when he appeared on the screen. If Borderlands did anything right, he was casting Bobby Lee.
I hope to see him and more in the future.

Speaker 2 Who made it? With that, I'm signing off. Who wrote that? As the only redeeming quality of the film, Thank You, Mr.
Lee.

Speaker 2 And that was written, go up to the top. Yeah.
That was

Speaker 2 Peter DeBruges.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you, Peter.

Speaker 2 Go up a little bit.

Speaker 2 Variety, my dog. Wow, dog.
Pretty big.

Speaker 2 So I met up with Bobby last night after the premiere, and Bobby was with a date, and we had some friends show up. Matt Reif, Matthew Reif, and Jackson McQueen.
Great guy.

Speaker 2 Funniest thing Bobby did at the night when I said I had to go because I had to get up early this morning. Bobby ordered an Uber, didn't tell anybody.
And then I was like, goodbye. I love you guys.

Speaker 2 And I walked out. And then Bobby goes, my Uber's here.
And he left Matt Reife sitting at the table by himself.

Speaker 2 He's like, What are you doing? What do you mean? Why didn't you?

Speaker 2 He's an adult. I have to sit there and chaperone him.
Well, you have to walk out with him.

Speaker 2 Send me that? Yeah, he's gonna post that.

Speaker 2 Send me that right there.

Speaker 2 This is a different one. With every storm cloud, there's a silver lining, and that was Bobby Lee.
Seeing him made me smile instantly, and his brief appearance in the film made me all but missed.

Speaker 2 Who wrote this? This can't be real. I'm so, I'm barely in the movie.
There's no way this is. Listen, dude, you're trying to trick me, dude.
Who wrote this? Can I finish? Come here, Carlos.

Speaker 2 Come over here for a second. Seeing him made me smile.

Speaker 2 Carlos, come over here. His brief of the film.
Come over here, Carlos. Paula miss him every night.
That's very, very good trick, dude.

Speaker 2 Really good trick. Very good.
All right. So let me say something, okay?

Speaker 2 The first one you can get me, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you got a little greedy, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So look at me right now, okay? Borderlands had good

Speaker 2 in Lee, and I can't wait to see it.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 the first one, I'm like, there's that's odd. So good, right? Yeah.
But the second one, right, right? Now it's fake.

Speaker 2 And as a friend, right?

Speaker 2 Did you write these?

Speaker 2 No, dude. I don't know why you can't love yourself.
Okay, why can't you love yourself? All right, Carlos. All right, Carlos.
So

Speaker 2 you don't know who wrote these. Well, go up to the top.
We can read this one. It was written by Katie Walsh.

Speaker 2 Dude. On our friendship, is this a trick?

Speaker 4 Look, she's real, dude.

Speaker 2 Katie Walsh. I understand.
No, I know who Katie Walsh is, right?

Speaker 2 She's the former White House deputy chief of staff yeah yeah so the former white house chief of staff wrote that article for donald trump yeah sure it's for the late okay all right so who wrote it carlos look katie walsh did no no no peter de bruggie all right so carlos can i say the funniest part about this yeah it's a go back to it says katie walsh wrote it this morning at 11 35 in the morning i i know

Speaker 2 it's not funny

Speaker 2 if that's the review i'm happy so that's good i think it's funny but if i find out dude i swear to god i'm gonna rage out okay all right so i'm gonna give you one last shot. Did you write it?

Speaker 2 Wait,

Speaker 2 one last thing.

Speaker 2 Bro, I don't know.

Speaker 2 What do you mean you don't know, dude? Wait, what was the question? Yeah. What was the question? Is that review real?

Speaker 2 Of course it's real. And with my name.
So that guy wrote it with my name in there. So I did a good job.
Yeah, you're the silver lining. Thank you, Bobby Lee.
Yeah, you're the silver lining.

Speaker 2 Okay, so that's all I need to know. Let's move on.
Congratulations. Okay, thank you.
Yeah, I'm just.

Speaker 2 But I'm going to tell you, if that's not real, I found out it's not real.

Speaker 2 Even you, McCone, right? Everyone in the room, I swear to God,

Speaker 2 on my mother. No, he's fine.
On my mother's life. Yeah, on my mother's life.

Speaker 2 If that's not real,

Speaker 2 I will not do your movie at all. I don't care when you get the money.
I swear to God, on my mother's life. I have nothing to do with it.
All right, so you have nothing to do with the review.

Speaker 2 You have nothing to do with it. No, I just pulled it up.
All right, you pulled it up. I couldn't pull it up on my phone.
All right? Why? Because it's not real.

Speaker 2 Now, let me ask you something as a friend, dude. Yeah.
Is that real? It looked real to me. No, but

Speaker 2 you don't think there's any tomfoolery going on? Unless these gentlemen fooled us.

Speaker 2 This is fun. I got to get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 2 Maybe you too. I have nothing to do with it.
I know you don't. I know.
Let's just move on. Let's start the podcast.
We just did. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, anyway,

Speaker 2 I didn't think I was good. Your date said you were really good.
Yeah, yeah. She said to me, she goes, Let's just move on for a baby.
Let's talk about sneaky niniki.

Speaker 2 You want to talk about sneaky niniki? Mine's already gone. But I liked it.
Yeah, you did, right. Yeah.
You can be dismissed. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm excited to go shoot a movie in Budapest. That's going to be great.
Tomorrow. I know.
Congratulations, dude. A little nervous.
I'm not going to lie. You can be great.

Speaker 2 This is the first time I've been nervous in like a long time.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like, I'm actually nervous.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm genuinely I haven't been nervous in film. Like, nobody makes me nervous, but it's like

Speaker 2 Well, the problem is I want it to to be good. I know you're in one scene, right? Or a couple scenes? No, no, one scene.
Right. So, and it's also, there's a lot of stars in it.

Speaker 2 And so they've already been working together. You probably have to walk into a situation.
Yeah. You're new, you're new guy, you're right.
And so you have to kind of kill it the first

Speaker 2 take. Take it.
Off the jump. Yeah, yeah.
So I've got to make it. Even rehearsals, you got to kind of know it.
Oh, I, dude, I know every line line by line. Is it a lot? I know their lines.
Is it a lot?

Speaker 2 No, it's five pages. Wow.
But I, no, no, no. My lines aren't five pages.
The scene is a five page scene how many lines do you have

Speaker 2 one and a half

Speaker 2 pages one and a half lines

Speaker 2 is it really one and a half lines i only have four lines wow and they're flying all the way over there for that for four lines yeah yeah so you're gonna walk in you're gonna feel feel the nerves what's the line do you know make it up i know all of them

Speaker 2 you know all words i know i know their lines you memorize the whole thing i know the whole scene you know when people do that it's like i wanted i did that because i really wanted to feel the scene.

Speaker 2 I wanted to know what the because that's what you have to do is memorize other people's line to feel the scene. Well, let's not talk about memorizing lines.

Speaker 2 Let's not go toe-to-toe on that. Okay.

Speaker 2 Let's not.

Speaker 2 I memorized the wrong pages.

Speaker 2 I memorized.

Speaker 2 Today I'm so defensive. And let me tell you.
Because I'm still deceived by the borderline. I'm so mad about it.

Speaker 2 I can't. I know, but I can't even let that go until I know the truth and then we can move on.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 2 i'm so happy

Speaker 2 dude i swear to god dude it's peter

Speaker 2 bro

Speaker 2 i promise it's real i promise

Speaker 2 let's just let's look at spawns text in let's look at some youtube footage right now of dogs grabbing gopros make me make bobby happy okay

Speaker 2 and by the way i am yeah no i am nervous to do it oh here and i'll tell you why

Speaker 2 humble humble pie moment yeah go ahead i want to look at his photos i don't want to fuck up. Oh, in the movie? I just don't want to.

Speaker 2 Look at this. A dog with a GoPro.
Boy, oh boy, is this going to make me feel good? Go, boy. Yes.
Oh, you. Look at him jump.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 He can hold it onto his tail. It's on his back.
Oh, so, so, so. I thought he was like hooking on with his tail.
I go, that guy is so talented. Look at him go all the way.
Dexterity on his tail.

Speaker 2 Does he go to the beach? Yeah, yeah. Dude, this tall.
He'd be so funny. He just went into the ocean.
He does. Look.
Yeah. He's going to jump right in.

Speaker 2 Yay!

Speaker 2 But he just keeps going. And then you see like a little finer.
Dun dun, dun, dun, dum. Yeah.
So let's look at the photos on McCone's phone. This is great.
Is there any nudes? He hasn't locked it.

Speaker 2 And photos. Okay, here we go.
We just got a photo of me in there. There's going to be some details.
That's where. All right.
So let me just say,

Speaker 2 let me just show the photos, okay? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why would you have this?

Speaker 2 honestly it's an eagle in a suti yeah yeah why would you have that on your phone

Speaker 2 it's very funny it's it's pretty fire but i don't okay here's another thing all right so he just screenshot you know i mean an elliott smith song yeah

Speaker 2 right yeah he couldn't memorize say yes yeah

Speaker 2 yeah shut the fuck up i i have to

Speaker 2 shut up all right

Speaker 2 couldn't memorize say yes dude yeah i didn't would you like to see more please okay is there any dps in there? Okay, here's another okay.

Speaker 2 This is a fucking hilarious one He loves Mika Matsubara loves Mika Matsubara.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but can you just not on your Spotify just put it onto a playlist or you know make it a favorite song or something? Did you have to screenshot it?

Speaker 4 My brother was listening to it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're right. So you're like, let me...
Can I give you some advice? Yeah. In a podcast?

Speaker 2 When he's talking, you yelling doesn't do anything.

Speaker 2 We can't hear it. It doesn't help.
So shut the fuck up. Okay, here's a funny me.
I don't know if you created this, but my fish is not eating anything. Please help.

Speaker 2 And it's supposed to be a joke.

Speaker 2 So there's a dead fish in a box. Yeah, I get it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is funny stuff, dude.
Really good stuff. Good meme, dude.
Really good meme. Is there no pictures of chicks in there or anything?

Speaker 2 No, but here's, here's a, this is so fucking white and liberal. And like,

Speaker 2 I'm cool. You want to see this? Yeah, right.
Like, bro.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's so gross. Look at this.
Yeah, you're one with the people, Makong.

Speaker 2 I enjoy black people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I could, you know, what I could also do is

Speaker 2 search Andrew Santino, see if he just talks shit about you. That's true.

Speaker 2 Let's just say my name.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is fun. No, no, no.
Look.

Speaker 2 Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Get over there. Get over there.

Speaker 2 Stop. What are you doing, dude? Stop.
Stop.

Speaker 2 Stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop. My God.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to do it. Hold on.
I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 2 Obviously, he's been talking some shit.

Speaker 2 Back up. I'm not going to do it, dude.
Right? Obviously, he said some shit. He said some shit.

Speaker 2 Just fucking... Do you believe it, dude? You've said some shit.
I already know. You did.
Wow. You fucking asshole.
I guess he said some shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so back up, dude. That's crazy.
This is pretty wild.

Speaker 2 Back up, dude.

Speaker 2 It's okay. If you can say it to other people, why can't I read it?

Speaker 2 Is it about me? No, there's none about you. It's about me.
Is it about me? I know who is. Are you nervous about me? Did you say something you shouldn't have said about me?

Speaker 2 Did you?

Speaker 2 You have to sit down and admit it. Yeah, go sit down.
Go sit down. Go sit down.
Give him his phone. No, I'm not going to give him his phone.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give him his phone. I got to read it.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Who did you say? Who did you talk shit about?

Speaker 2 Is it me?

Speaker 2 Or Bobby?

Speaker 2 Let's see. I'll do this.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you because you're going to e-delete it or whatever. What did you say? Did you talk shit about us?

Speaker 2 No. Look at me in the face right now.
You're talking shit about me? No.

Speaker 2 About him?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That's interesting.
It's so interesting. What does that mean to you? Well, I mean, it means a lot to me.
It means that we're not that close. And do you think it means no Australia?

Speaker 2 Oh, it means no to a lot of things. Okay.

Speaker 2 Do you think it's removal of job?

Speaker 2 Well, I know that I was being lied to about the review, too. You were deceiving.
So I'm assessing all that as well. I'll confess it was my cone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. I know it was.
Oh, I can access. What, the writing? No, I wrote it.
Oh, you wrote the fucking article, the variety thing? Yeah, I'm taking.

Speaker 2 Okay, then why the fuck did you lie to me over there? I'm taking credit for the creative. I didn't want the Coin to get credit for that.
I know, but

Speaker 2 why did you lie to me over there?

Speaker 3 I was rolling with the bit.

Speaker 2 I was. Oh, okay, the bit.
Okay, the bit. That was good.
Yeah, very good. So let's

Speaker 2 cut to a commercial break.

Speaker 2 How does this work?

Speaker 2 Back after these messages.

Speaker 2 So I've got a bet. I have a bet.

Speaker 2 I have a bet with somebody that I can't rawdog it all the way to Budapest. And I might take him up on the bet.
But I have proof because I'm going to be flying with my wife. So.

Speaker 2 Oh, she's going to Budapest with you? Yeah. So think about this.
Oh, this is fun. Think about this.

Speaker 2 It's a good amount of money, this bet, that I can't raw dog it. You know what raw dogging on the airplane is? No phone, no movie.
You just have to sit there and stare straightforward on a plane.

Speaker 2 I can't raw dog it. Dude, I've

Speaker 2 not got a raw dog a European trip. I don't know.
It could be sick to win this bet. And I'll have to.
How much money is it? I don't even want to say. Thousands? It's a lot of money.

Speaker 2 I can do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know you can. You don't own an iPad.
Yeah, you don't have an iPad.

Speaker 2 We have to buy you an iPad.

Speaker 2 You don't think I can get all the way to Europe without raw dogging? No headphones either. No music.
I can tell you how you do it.

Speaker 2 You don't sleep at all until tomorrow. But listen,

Speaker 2 you can't take drugs or alcohol. That's the bet.
It has to be clean and sober. You sleep.
No, that's the whole point. Oh, my God.
Well, then the bet wouldn't be worth it if you could just sleep.

Speaker 2 That doesn't do anything. That's true.
The reason the bet is worth money is because I have to stay awake and raw dog the whole flight.

Speaker 2 Wow. Should I try? Can you talk to people? No.
You have to sit alone and stare straightforward. Well, your wife's going to be there.
Yep. That's the whole, that's the reason for the bet.

Speaker 2 That's a 12, 13-hour flight. By the way, she'll be sleeping the whole time.
So this is called raw dogging flight. This is raw dogging on the flight.
When you fly all the way. This guy's doing it.

Speaker 2 No food, no water, no AC, no in-flight entertainment. It's so

Speaker 2 cool. It's so cool.
It's a cool. I kind of want to do it.
Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 I'll put money on it. That I can't? Yeah.
There's no way. Now I fucking want.
Now that you're in on it, now I really want to prove that I can. How much is he giving me?

Speaker 2 I'll give you a little bit of a money. And by the way, I'll set up my phone and I'll do a time-lapse.

Speaker 2 So I'll set up my phone so you see I'm not on technology and I'll time-lapse film myself on those little for 12 hours? It's 15 to London. 15 hours.
And then two more to Budapest. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I could do it. Wow.
I might do it. And you know what? Fuck it.
I'm going to do it. What do you want to bet? $1,000.
I'll bet you $1,000. I'll do it.
Okay. Done.

Speaker 2 I want cash.

Speaker 2 Okay. No music.
No movies. Yeah.
Straight staring forward. Yeah.
See, this is the new thing. Why are men raw dogging on flights? Because.
Can't you go to the bathroom?

Speaker 4 Yeah, fancy.

Speaker 2 I have to go to fucking bathroom. You shit your pants.
I'm going to shit my pants off. And ruin everyone's life.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about, dude?

Speaker 3 How do we know you don't go on your phone when you're in your bathroom?

Speaker 2 It's going to be time-lapse. I will let it sit at the seat, you goon.
What are you talking about? Goofy goon.

Speaker 2 I set it up once, and then you leave it alone.

Speaker 2 So it's recording the seat the whole time. And you time-lapse it.
Then we'll see it all in fast motion. You'll see what I did.
By the way, how about this?

Speaker 2 You, when you're going to Spain, you want to do a raw dog bet that you can't go to Spain and raw dog it?

Speaker 2 You want to make a bet?

Speaker 2 Yeah, see, you talk that talk, walk that walk then. Let's go.

Speaker 2 But let me say something. Yeah.
I don't want that for you. I want to win the money.
Yeah, but you don't, it's ridiculous. Why would you torture yourself?

Speaker 2 It's not going to be money that's going to change anything. It's fun.
It's a fun bet.

Speaker 2 You don't just do things for fun. It's not fun for you, though.
Yeah, to win the money is fun.

Speaker 2 It is? Yeah, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 If it's six figures, then maybe.

Speaker 2 But anything below that, it's like, what the fuck's the point? How out of touch are you? Six figures?

Speaker 2 You think someone's betting me $100,000 to fly on a fucking... I mean,

Speaker 2 let's say, how much would I need to get for me to raw dog a flight to Europe?

Speaker 2 50 grand. 50 fucking grand? Yeah, because I like comfort.
Bob. Yeah.

Speaker 2 50 grand to raw dog. You wouldn't do it for any less than that.
No. Wow.
Well, I'm an idiot because I'm trying to.

Speaker 2 Now, if I lost everything,

Speaker 2 if I lost everything, then yes. Okay, then nothing.
$1,500. $1,500.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. If I lost everything.
But it's like... I think it's a worthy challenge.
Please don't do it. I want to take my bet back.
No, you can't. You're done.
It's on camera. You already did it.

Speaker 2 You owe me a grand. All right.
Can't wait to get it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Can you masturbate? Yeah, of course. That's the app.
Yeah. That's what raw dogging really is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Okay.
I'm not kidding. One time on a flight back from when I was in Reykjavik when I went to Iceland, it's a night flight.
And when I came back, I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 I'm almost positive I saw a guy wanking because I walked up to the bathroom. And you know, there's lay beds, the lay flats.
He was laying down, but facing the window. So his back was up to us.

Speaker 2 But it was this. I saw his shoulder moving.
Yeah. And I was like, what is he fucking got? Tourette's while he sleeps.
No, but you know how dogs do that when they sleep?

Speaker 2 My dog jerks off when she sleeps. Oh, she does? Yeah, she's always flicking.
But you know how they're always like they what are they dreaming about you know i mean take a wild guess what a dog

Speaker 2 well in your house it must be nightmare

Speaker 2 what they dream about you walk into the kitchen faces smells interaction with their owners i think they dream so basic i think my dog dreams about running because i she does this a lot

Speaker 2 oh i see yeah i think she dreams a lot about running Think about it. She probably dreams about running in like a big field.
Yeah. This big, wide, open field.
It's like us. What do you dream about?

Speaker 2 What if their dreams are complex that we don't know? Like, she's, you know, she's with Cleopatra. Whoa, you're right.
And you know, he's barking orders how to get make pyramids, king dog,

Speaker 2 right, right? Like,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? He built the pyramids, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's right,

Speaker 2 and then when the aliens come down, right, to negotiate with the Egyptians,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And it's so, it's so complex, we don't even know, but just in, yeah, maybe that's what's going on. Make me kill your dog.
What? That was no dream. That's your dream.
Yes, I've dreamt that.

Speaker 2 You have dreamt that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I have dreamt about that.

Speaker 2 I have dreamt about that before.

Speaker 2 I have. When I was with Cleopatra, I was put that bulb there.

Speaker 2 And then have these crazy negotiations with the aliens. You've done this? Yes.
All right. And I'm like, I'm super like olive-skinned.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, so I am Egyptian, you know what I mean? And I I have like all this headwear, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And my nails are nice. And I have three cats, Siamese cats.
And I'm telling the aliens, like, you know what I mean? About like, you know. Are you the, you're the person that communicates?

Speaker 2 You're the liaison. Well, I'm like Cleopatra's, like, you know,

Speaker 2 bitch.

Speaker 2 Press secretary. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. Like, Kelly, what? McAnenny.
What's her name? Kellyanne Conway. Not Kellyanne Conway.
Yeah, you're more like a Kellyanne Conway. No, McAnanny, though.

Speaker 2 How many languages can you speak in the stream? Oh, every language. You can speak every language.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? What was that?

Speaker 2 What was that?

Speaker 2 Italian. God.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, right. I need the fettuccini.
Yeah, you don't say.

Speaker 2 Right, so

Speaker 2 you're right. You got it.
So dogs, let's move on. Dogs dream just like us.

Speaker 2 What goes on in there? Dogs are just like us. You think they are? I think they dream just like we do.
Yeah. Because they experience it like us.

Speaker 2 They just see it from down below. But your dogs have watched you hook up? In the past, one time I was getting

Speaker 2 sexually

Speaker 2 pleasured by the, you know what I mean? Mouth.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. By the mouth.
Mouth pleasures. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I was in the living room

Speaker 2 getting mouth pleasured.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Guner rubbed started rubbing my leg with his body and started purring. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And I go, we got to go to the room.
Pretty supportive. She's like, what?

Speaker 2 Come on. She's like, Will you?

Speaker 2 My dog has watched us hook up multiple times. Chime, you know, when I was younger,

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Speaker 2 Hydro.com, code is bad friends. Because she sits there and stares.
Yeah, but what is she thinking about?

Speaker 2 I don't. Yeah, what is she thinking about? That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, Cleopatra. It's a good technique

Speaker 2 in his mind, maybe. He's like, slower.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, it is weird when they watch you. There's something about animals watching because they just keep clocking it.
They don't know if they're in pain or not. Yeah.
Or like

Speaker 2 wide shut, eyes wide shut style, where people are wearing their masks

Speaker 2 at a ballroom and everyone's hooking like, and you know what I mean? And you're just like,

Speaker 2 and some guy just, you know what I mean? And I was like, just cucking. Go over there.
You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah, you would.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you would. Okay.
It'd be fun. If someone's watching you with a mask on, that would be fun.
What about without mask? No.

Speaker 2 Some dude. Like, me.
Good job. Yeah, yeah.
Like, would you be able to do it with me in the room? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Probably get me harder.

Speaker 2 Shut up, I'd be showing off. Don't say shit like that, showing off.
No, no, no, no, oh, yeah, I go, Bob, check this out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, high five, yeah, I do a different, yeah, pretty cool. I'd be trying to show off a little bit.
You could get off, you could hook up with someone with me in the room, just standing there.

Speaker 2 There's no way, why you make me laugh so much, so it just wouldn't work. Every time you walk in the room, it makes me laugh.
All right, right. So, there's no way.

Speaker 2 Well, anyway, uh, we were talking about the dogs dreaming, and then we went to the GoPro. That's we went from GoPro to all that.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. That's how our brains work, right?

Speaker 2 That's how it works.

Speaker 2 But do you think the dog has any concept of water, like the ocean? Yeah, they love water.

Speaker 2 No, the concept of how deep and the creatures in there. We should talk to them about it.
Right. Do you have any concept of how deep the ocean is? I just know it's endless.

Speaker 2 They just found another big creature somewhere. Look up creature and ocean.

Speaker 2 They just found yet another unidentifiable creature. It was in the news.
I mean, this is the kind of stuff that I'm like,

Speaker 2 the end is near.

Speaker 2 Look at that thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's literally a picture of my penis.

Speaker 2 Look at how pale that thing is. That is genuinely a picture of that.
Pale and sad. Yeah.
Yeah, that's what, yeah. That is a picture of my penis.
That's insane.

Speaker 2 I mean, we're finding these things still now in this day and age. This doesn't creep you out.
To go down, what did that say right there?

Speaker 2 Thousands of new species are found each year. That's incredible.
Every year we find thousands of these things in the ocean. Why are we not digging down more?

Speaker 2 Well, because we've never been to the bottom. It's impossible.
We got to go down there. What would we find? What happened last time?

Speaker 2 What happened last time we went down there? Oh, the last time we went down there? Bad stuff. Titanic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What is that? It's a new spider they found.

Speaker 2 A new spider? We're good. We're all full.
Tell the spider baby. Get out of here.

Speaker 2 Wow, there's a new spider they discovered. What do you mean? Wait, let me ask you something.
How the fuck is he being discovered? Now, where has he been? Where have you been? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Where is he? You know what I mean? Just literally, like,

Speaker 2 where is he? By the way, this is how I feel. Epstein Island.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go talk to him. He knows everything.
Epstein spider. Yeah, he knows everything.

Speaker 2 Hillary will have him killed soon. Like this guy.
Where have you been, son? Where have you been, dog?

Speaker 2 You know what's interesting? This is kind of how we feel in the business. They discover us and we've been around.
Right. We're like that spider.
We've been around.

Speaker 2 And you're like, how come we haven't seen you? It's like, we've been here. Yeah.
Thousands of species are found every single year. It's incredible.
It's mind-boggling. Who's here? Francisco Ramos

Speaker 2 in the blue chair.

Speaker 2 What's that? We do need intro music.

Speaker 4 Is that me?

Speaker 2 Is that for me? What? Well, it's not for Bobby.

Speaker 4 Why are you looking at me like this, Bobby?

Speaker 2 Welcome.

Speaker 2 What's my welcoming face?

Speaker 2 Okay, Armand. Welcome to the program.

Speaker 4 Am I in trouble? Is this like a scare straight kind of thing?

Speaker 2 No, he's a serious analyst. Sometimes he gets real serious.
Yeah. This shows like Dateline.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Like, okay, what are we going to talk about?

Speaker 2 I'm Frankie Copperfield.

Speaker 2 Go on, Frank.

Speaker 2 Ted Coppel.

Speaker 2 Say hello to our guests. Hello.
Welcome.

Speaker 4 Thank you. How are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 Bad friends line.

Speaker 2 No, hi. How are you, Francisco? How long have I known you?

Speaker 2 For a very long time.

Speaker 4 12 years or something like that? When I started working at the comedy store?

Speaker 2 that was 12 years ago i think so or 14 years ago you you and i have always had a little bit of combative relationship why is that yeah i don't know yeah you do no idea i don't know why

Speaker 2 why do you do why you do what you do what i why do you guys have a combative relationship that's my thing it has it kind of what there was a while there it boiled down to chelsea fc

Speaker 2 okay yeah yeah yeah and you would always rip on arsenal because we never did well yeah and it's very interesting to me because in the last couple years you haven't said shit about chelsea interesting well because they've been sucking.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 2 That's why. So where's your old talk now, friend?

Speaker 2 But where's your big talk now?

Speaker 4 Okay, but is that because I thought it was like that's a riff in between, you know, when you play sports, but it's nothing personal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you make it personal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Like you used to come up behind me, put me in a head like a

Speaker 2 what? Yeah, Arsenal sucks, baby. Damn, did you do that? No, I didn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like that.
I never put you in a head like that.

Speaker 2 Ian Edwards, what does he like?

Speaker 4 He likes

Speaker 4 mine you, Wanchester United.

Speaker 2 Yeah, very Very cordial. Yeah.

Speaker 2 In fact, that's how he is. Stop.
Thanks for coming. Welcome to the program.
Thanks.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the program.

Speaker 2 God bless you.

Speaker 2 But what I'm saying is that he's very cordial. And when Arsenal is doing well,

Speaker 2 he gives props. You don't give props.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So from now on, maybe. Okay.
Give some props, I guess. Give some props.

Speaker 2 You're a Chelsea fan?

Speaker 4 I am a Chelsea fan. Yes.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 you can. Yeah, I was just going to say, that's your

Speaker 4 Spanish.

Speaker 2 You're another thing you do. You're Barcelona? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you? Are you Barcelona? You are? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Nice. Even though we suck right now.

Speaker 2 Here's another thing you did. A couple of times, if I booked a job, you would say something condescending.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember.
Wow. Yeah, I mean, like, one time I said, I think it was like either splitting up together or something, and you go, you're on that?

Speaker 2 I go, yeah, you go, well, it should get canceled soon or something.

Speaker 2 Or something like that. And I was like, hmm, that Francisco Francisco Ramas wants a war.
Does that sound like Francisco? No. Well, I don't know how to do that accent.
Go ahead. Try.
Yeah, do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, do it. No.

Speaker 2 Just do a sentence up. Let me see if I can.
Say, that's going to get canceled soon.

Speaker 4 That's going to get canceled soon.

Speaker 2 That's going to get canceled soon. Pretty good.
That's pretty good. Very good.

Speaker 2 Really good. It's really good.
Wow. Wow.
See, I'm like a mimic.

Speaker 4 But you keep lowering your baby.

Speaker 2 I know. What part of Spain are you from?

Speaker 4 I'm not from Spain.

Speaker 2 You're not Spanish? He's Portuguese. No.
You're Argentinian. No.

Speaker 4 Let's put yourself in. Is this a guess?

Speaker 2 You're from Portugal. No.
You're from.

Speaker 2 Let's start basic. Okay.
There is Spanish in you. No, he's Mexican.
Well, there is like a Latin.

Speaker 4 Yes, there is. Yes.

Speaker 2 There is Latin. He's South American.

Speaker 4 South American. All right.

Speaker 2 Well, let's get to that.

Speaker 2 Argentinian. Colombian.
No, nope. Peru.
No. Well, Brazil.
Nope. Okay.
Wow, there's narrowing down.

Speaker 2 Uruguay. Chile.
Chile. No.
Uruguay. No.

Speaker 2 Fuck, which are there?

Speaker 2 Panamania.

Speaker 4 That's Central America, but nope.

Speaker 2 No. Oh, see that's the tone i was talking about no no

Speaker 2 did you see that that's the tone i'm talking about

Speaker 2 i didn't say panama i said panamania okay panamania is a city outside of brazil i should know that

Speaker 2 wait wait wait bring up a fucking map venezuela i do know that you are venezuelan and i know that that's what's so annoying yeah yeah you're venezuelan

Speaker 2 does venezuela not have a team

Speaker 4 do they have a soccer team in venezuela they i mean like a national team yeah but they suck they all suck were you raised there i i was there until i was 12.

Speaker 4 i moved there to D.C., to Maryland when I was 12.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this accent comes from Maryland. Yes.
It's a Baltimore accent.

Speaker 4 Have you seen The Wire?

Speaker 2 That's how they suck.

Speaker 2 When you were 12, you moved. And they say that you keep your accent if it's

Speaker 2 right around puberty.

Speaker 4 Right around puberty, you get to keep yourself. That's when I started getting hairs.
When you were 12.

Speaker 2 When I was 12. When you start to develop, that's how you keep your accent.
That's why, because when you guys came here from Korea,

Speaker 2 you were so young.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you were. How long were you?

Speaker 2 How old were you? When did you move here from Korea? Born here.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're American? American. Like fully American.

Speaker 4 Through and through, dude. Because I'm American too, but I'm national.

Speaker 2 I get it. Listen to your accent.

Speaker 2 God damn it, man. Do you have two passports?

Speaker 4 I have two passports.

Speaker 2 It's great. Yeah.
You do. Is Venezuela dangerous?

Speaker 4 Right now it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 4 it's kind of about to, like, it's in that. Right now it's like, what happened was there was an election like a week ago,

Speaker 4 and obviously the opposition that was running won, but they got

Speaker 4 yeah, but this guy doesn't want to give it away.

Speaker 2 We do that.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so I think it's like, I don't know if you guys get this, but he's a guy that doesn't want to give it away, and the other side is like, cheat it.

Speaker 2 Is he kind of like a Trump guy to you guys? Yeah, pretty much. Wow.
So they all follow suit. Yeah.
Trump knows exactly how to, what it did. Isn't that so funny? They all do the same thing.

Speaker 2 He's like, no, I didn't lose. Exactly.
Then Maduro is like, no, I didn't lose.

Speaker 2 They all just follow suit.

Speaker 2 So genius. It's genius.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but the problem is this guy's got the army on him. This is why I actually I do agree as an American to have the second amendment You should be able to have guns.

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 2 here we go

Speaker 2 Especially assault rifle and look at the stupid Spaniard shake his head no

Speaker 2 You know, why'd you shake your head?

Speaker 2 No Spaniard is that because you guys have been pushed out of all this international reign that you had for so long indeed right Yeah, that's your that's your fault.

Speaker 2 You guys did so much international damage and then people stopped you and now you're like, okay, nobody gets guns. Now you want nobody to have guns.
Peace. Right, peace.

Speaker 2 Now after you fucked everything up for years.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Colonize us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Interesting move. Yeah.
After you did all the damage, then you're like, guys, can we not anymore? No. We want guns to protect ourselves from people like you.

Speaker 4 So you stole all our gold.

Speaker 2 Women? Yes.

Speaker 2 No, he did. They did gold?

Speaker 2 Valid concern. Yeah.
Where is all of their gold, Fancy? Yeah. Where is all the Venezuelan gold? I think we've lost a lot of it.
You've given it away? Yeah.

Speaker 2 These guys, they partied away all the gold that I sold with a lot of paella eating.

Speaker 2 You're still married? Huh?

Speaker 4 It's going to be a year that I got married.

Speaker 2 Congratulations. Congrats.
Thank you. A beautiful wife, by the way.

Speaker 4 American, North Carolina.

Speaker 2 That's right. Yeah.
She's very sweet and smart. You've always been a sexy man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you said it. No, no.
You've always been an attractive.

Speaker 2 You have a good look. You have Ricky Ricardo.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do. I do get that all the time.

Speaker 2 Can I be your Lucy? Yes.

Speaker 2 Is that Ricky Ricardo? No, that's it. It's going to be your Lucy.

Speaker 4 Lucy, I'm home.

Speaker 2 Do you know Lucy? Yeah, I love Lucy. Steel ball.
I'm a redhead. Yeah.
Catch up. Okay.
All right. So a little bit.
Come on.

Speaker 2 That would be a great

Speaker 2 modernized. Hey.
A new Lucy. Lucy's trans.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That'd be great.
Lucy, where's your dick?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That's the opening scene.

Speaker 2 Wow, I'm going to write this down.

Speaker 2 Instead of the chocolate, the chocolate factory, it's just dildos. It's just all dildos are getting replaced.
Who's the neighbor in Lucy?

Speaker 2 Fred. Fred and Nathan.

Speaker 2 Fred and Nathan.

Speaker 2 You're Ethel.

Speaker 4 Oh, I have to be Ethel. Yeah, because it's also, you're both translated.

Speaker 2 It's a modern. It's a modern.
Oh, it's modern. Yeah, yeah.
So you're both trans. So you're Ethel and I'm.
I don't know what Ethel sounds like. Let me see if I can do it.
Lucy. Loose.

Speaker 2 There it is.

Speaker 2 Loose.

Speaker 2 That's great. I want to do more right.
It's like British.

Speaker 2 Chris Ricky. Now watch this.

Speaker 2 Now, do your British accent. Hello, thou.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 4 But that's a little

Speaker 2 Liverpool. Yeah.
Oh, right. He knows.
Oh, you know specifics? I really know.

Speaker 2 Come on, guy.

Speaker 4 Top with the money.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.
What the fuck was that?

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, stop. We thought, that's it.
We thought my English accent was bad. He just topped it.
Wow. That was.
By the way, he did an English accent with an Irish phrase.

Speaker 2 That was so sad. Tap up there, Marnet.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow. Let me hear it one more time.
Close our eyes.

Speaker 2 Close our eyes.

Speaker 2 You and I, right? Yeah. We're in Liverpool.
Oh, I see it. There's a bakery.
Liverpool. Yeah.
Liverpool.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Here comes beans on toast.

Speaker 2 Hello, mate. You alright? Hello, chaps.

Speaker 2 We're both blind. Let's say we're both blind.

Speaker 2 Are we in Cleveland?

Speaker 2 Hosette.

Speaker 2 Who goes there? Who goes there? Hosette. You want some bin and toast?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That is so bad. That was so bad.
Honestly,

Speaker 4 my wife, right? Because you have a

Speaker 2 Venezuelan accent. Let's go through it.

Speaker 2 Can you do what?

Speaker 4 I thought you were going to say something else.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Can you do other accents?

Speaker 4 Can you do Italian?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.
How are you?

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
That's pretty good. That's actually pretty good.
That's pretty good. How about German? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right. Good try.
That's okay.

Speaker 4 I got to hear it. I got to hear it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me hear you do French.

Speaker 2 Oh, he speaks a little bit.

Speaker 2 Not really. Not really.
I love it. It was a little bit.
He said, hi, I ma'am Anne. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, really? Is it?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I just say the phrases that I know.

Speaker 2 So you have a special coming out? Is that what it is?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's out right now on YouTube right now. It's called Venezuela American.

Speaker 2 Put it up. YouTube, Venezuela.
And where'd you shoot it?

Speaker 4 actually a Brad Garrett's comedy club.

Speaker 2 In Vegas? In Vegas, yeah. You shot in Vegas.
Yes. Interesting choice.
Why Vegas?

Speaker 4 Well, the thing is, like, Brad wanted to do

Speaker 4 little specials to then put it on his kind of website, kind of club thing, but it didn't work out. But then he was very kind and gave it to the specials.

Speaker 4 So he's like, hey, you can do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 I love Brad Garrett. Yeah, he's great.
He's one of the nicest, coolest dudes I've ever met.

Speaker 4 So nice, so great. Loves what I'm doing.
Does he live there?

Speaker 4 No, he lives in LA, but he goes back and forth.

Speaker 2 I've never met him.

Speaker 4 Oh, he's amazing.

Speaker 2 Seriously, I've never met Brad Garrett. Wow.
Gray, gray, gray. He did, he came out.
That looks good. Yeah, it shot really well.
It shot well, yeah. Who did it? Who shot it?

Speaker 4 Michael Malone is a director, and then it was shot by them. I mean, they are there.

Speaker 2 But was it 800 pound that puts this out?

Speaker 4 I know. After it was done, then I contacted an 800-pound group

Speaker 4 to be like, hey, can you put it on?

Speaker 2 And, you know, is there an audience shot or is it just like this? I thought you were sharing it. No, there's some audience shot.

Speaker 2 I thought you just said, is there an audience? Period.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. I thought you gave it.

Speaker 2 Is there an audience listening to this thing? There was nobody. Like Brad Garrett's club alone.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he was just sitting in front.

Speaker 2 I can't hear it. That's why it's like

Speaker 2 did Brad do some time.

Speaker 2 He did open the show. Yeah, he did.
So if you don't know, I don't know if you know this, but when Brad does his club,

Speaker 2 you split time with him. Like you co-headline.

Speaker 4 Like if you headline, you do like 10 minutes. Because he goes up first and does like 30 minutes of crowd work.

Speaker 2 And then you go on. Then

Speaker 4 the feature comes and does like five minutes. And then he goes up and does another 30 minutes.
And then you go up and you do like the rest, which is like 10 or 15 minutes.

Speaker 2 So you have to split the stage with him when you do his club in Vegas.

Speaker 4 And he does all crowd work every weekend. Every 80s, like Donald Trump.
Almost every weekend.

Speaker 2 Every night. He is, right? Isn't it every weekend? So if I headline there, he's going to go, I'm going to do all this.

Speaker 4 No, if it's, I mean, he's like sometimes, it's when he's available, he goes.

Speaker 2 He's available. But he's there a lot of weekends.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What's a cool thing to open up your clubs? It's his club. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Whatever he wants. And that's, and he brings, I mean, the crowd, too.
It's not like people are coming to see him.

Speaker 2 Oh, so does he promote that he's going to be there too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so that's going to pack the room up.
Yeah, so he plays. So what he's doing, he's doing his service to comics.

Speaker 2 That's great. Yeah.
What a great service. Yeah, it's younger younger comics that go do the room.

Speaker 2 He's like, I'm going to help pack the audience so they get a better viewpoint of someone they may not know. Yeah.
Which is a fucking huge.

Speaker 2 That's a big gift. Were you nervous there or no? No, I wasn't.
As a performing, you look great. I was just before, is what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 No, I mean, I already done that club. It was kind of like, you know, it was the whole week.
So this was like, I think a Friday or Saturday. So I was already getting.

Speaker 2 How many did you film?

Speaker 4 I think it was

Speaker 4 two nights, like Friday and Saturday.

Speaker 2 Four shows, two nights.

Speaker 4 And it's just in one show. So one show, one Friday.

Speaker 2 And you wore the same clothes, obviously. Yes, no underwear.
Yeah, and it cuts. He's wearing a black t-shirt.

Speaker 2 Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. People should watch this special.
Go on YouTube and watch it, but let's get down to the real business here: Israel, Palestine, bud.

Speaker 2 Tapa demo.

Speaker 2 Tapa demo on antu, yeah. Peace, peace, peace, peace, and love.
Yeah, you also, you know, do you act at all? I do.

Speaker 2 You're like, you're good.

Speaker 4 I've been on Shameless. I've been on, you know, Yeah, he works.

Speaker 2 That's great. No, I know that.

Speaker 4 You know, I just haven't gotten the big part. But I am going to be in a movie that's going to come out hopefully this year called The Unexpecteds that came, we shot last year.

Speaker 4 Who's in it? It's Matt Walsh.

Speaker 2 I love him.

Speaker 4 Oh, Matty. He's a great, he's a great guy.
Talented guy. So funny.
Yeah, yeah. Great guy.

Speaker 2 All right, let me ask you about this Fitbit. Is this a Fitbit? Yes, it is.
Now, do you, you really, this is

Speaker 4 it. You do.
It's great because it's to count calories, pretty much. So it's like whatever.

Speaker 2 Are you my aunt?

Speaker 2 You count calories for real?

Speaker 4 I mean, now I know, like, in terms of like, I know, like, when I'm, if I spend 15,000 calories during a day, I'm like, oh, I can eat, you know, 2,000.

Speaker 2 Because you've always been in good shape. So I'm surprised to see you with one of those.
I figured you were just a guy that has always been in shape and eats healthy.

Speaker 4 No, but this actually helped me to kind of like be like, okay, how much. If it's a day that I'm not spending too much calories, then I don't eat that much.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been fat?

Speaker 4 When I was little.

Speaker 2 You were a little fat kid.

Speaker 4 Yeah, a little fat kid.

Speaker 4 I was nerdy, too. Like, I had glasses.

Speaker 4 I had the little strings on the glass. So, like that, you look like that.

Speaker 2 You used to look like that.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God. It was exactly like that.

Speaker 2 You're a little fat glass of Spanish boy when you were young. But you evolved.

Speaker 4 I evolved. It was like a ugly.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I don't think that's.

Speaker 4 I was like an ugly, you know, ugly duckling. Like, you know, the

Speaker 2 story.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I became.

Speaker 4 No, it actually happened in high school. Remember in high school?

Speaker 2 You were an ugly ducking? Duckling? I'm sorry. Do it again.
Can I get that line again? All right, try it again. You were an ugly duckling.

Speaker 2 Duckling. How is duck hard for you guys to say? What? Isn't that like a part of your culture? Duckling? Yeah.
What do you mean? Yeah, duck, duck. Duck is so big.
Yeah, China, not in Korea.

Speaker 7 Dumpling for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, duck dumpling. Oh, duck dumpling.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 Wow, you know that? Yes. They're so good.
Duck dumplings are one of my favorite things. Ducks are the best.
That's the best.

Speaker 4 It's rice. In Tai Feng, have you eaten?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've eaten it together. I know.
I love it. Thank you so much.
So ask the ugly duckling again. Go for it.
Yeah, yeah. Have you ever, you were an ugly duckling?

Speaker 4 I was an ugly duckling.

Speaker 2 Wow, how ugly?

Speaker 2 Like him. Yeah, okay.
That ugly? Wow. Wow.

Speaker 4 But you know, like, you know, in those teen movies, it's like, you know, when the girl's like, she's ugly, but she's not. Like, as soon as they take the glasses off, I'm like, that was me.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you weren't that ugly. Like, it wasn't like as soon as I took, because I had like the thick, because I'm blind.
I was, I had, I had LASIK because I had minus 11 in each hour.

Speaker 2 Minus 11.

Speaker 4 I was completely.

Speaker 2 Are you in contacts now?

Speaker 4 No, I got LASIK. So now they're perfectly fine.
I'm 20-20. Wow.

Speaker 2 Until they fail.

Speaker 4 Right, Andrew?

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 Good joke.

Speaker 4 Good job.

Speaker 2 No, but I

Speaker 4 know, but I was like completely blind to the point where it was like, I couldn't, like, if I lost my glasses, I couldn't, I couldn't see. I couldn't literally see nothing.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I would just see like. You weren't afraid of LASIK.
LASIC freaks me out so much.

Speaker 4 No, I recommend it. They peel back your eye.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's great.
Have you ever seen a Google image of LASIK? It's the weirdest.

Speaker 4 It's so good. I mean, I remember when I did it, I woke up.
It was like I was like a newborn.

Speaker 2 Did they put you out?

Speaker 4 No, you do it. No, like, it's just all like, you feel it.
You feel the.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, a laser in your eyeball. But it's kind of like you go.
No, they cut a layer. They cut your eye.

Speaker 4 No, but that's like old school.

Speaker 4 I don't know what that is.

Speaker 2 This is a guy like that. Yeah, that was Francisco.
Yeah, they do do that. What is it? A clockwork orange?

Speaker 2 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 2 Imagine in the middle of that getting LASIK. He just goes, tap.

Speaker 2 Put him out. Put him out.

Speaker 4 No, I recommend that. I mean, I recommend it if you actually really have a high

Speaker 4 problem. If you have like a little bit, just stick to class.

Speaker 2 But what are the odds that people, because they do say people go blind from this, right? Or it permanently fucks up your vision.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 it's like the very deception. It's like, give me the odds.

Speaker 2 Give me the odds. All right.
What are the odds? Less than 1%.

Speaker 4 Less than 1%.

Speaker 2 Extremely rare for the surgery. Oh, yeah, that's a good gamble.
That's really good.

Speaker 4 That's like the vaccine thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. God, that's crazy.
Why do they get so good? I remember years ago, it wasn't that good. No, of course.

Speaker 4 No. Now it's like nothing.

Speaker 2 Pure.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 You have a child? I have no, I don't have any. No children.
You don't want any?

Speaker 4 No, I do. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I think I eventually do. I mean,

Speaker 4 my wife is younger than me, so it's like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, his wife's only 57. Yes.
So they've got some time.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she's doing LASIC right now.

Speaker 2 And where do you live?

Speaker 2 You live in LA, right? Because I see you're at the store. You live in LA? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've known him for 15 years. I know.

Speaker 2 I didn't know Matt Reif lived in Long Island. Well, that's because when he got big, when he got money.
Or Rhode Island? When he got rich, he did that. Yeah.

Speaker 4 If I get rich, I'm not living in Lake.

Speaker 2 Oh, where are you going to go then?

Speaker 2 Ireland?

Speaker 2 No, where are you going to go? Fit right in.

Speaker 4 No, I I would like, I would, I like staying here, but I definitely like Europe, you know, something like in Italy. Yeah, you stay here, dude.

Speaker 2 No, I like, I like LA. I love LA.
It's the best. I love LA.
Why do people dog on LA, man? I love LA. Well, it's easy to hate on because it has a lot of, it gets a lot of attention.

Speaker 2 Anybody, anything gets a lot of attention. It's like that popular guy or girl in school.
Right. It's like somebody going,

Speaker 2 you know, oh, Taylor Swift. I don't know.
I don't really like that music. It's like, all right, well, because everybody talks about it.
So people don't want to hear it.

Speaker 2 Except because I have people from the Midwest. I fly them out here, just friends.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I had done that before. Yeah.
And they go, oh, this is L.A.? I go, what'd you think it was? Yeah, yeah. I think they think it's all Hollywood.

Speaker 4 Well, it's also they see like the

Speaker 4 bad parts of L.A. Like

Speaker 2 three blocks of Skid Row. That's what you see.

Speaker 4 It's like you were not staying there, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, not but with him. And he lives the fancy life.
Yeah, that's true. He lived the fancier life.
Please. Don't get me fucking started, pal.
Don't even do it to me.

Speaker 4 I like that.

Speaker 2 So on YouTube, you can check this out. Yeah.
Yeah. Yes.
And then

Speaker 2 everyone listening to this podcast, he's an old friend of ours. Very funny.
We love him to death.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2 Are you crazy, dude?

Speaker 4 You guys are great.

Speaker 4 Thank you so much. Even though.
And can we just, whatever we have. No.

Speaker 2 Okay. No, I think you guys should continue this weird beef.
I kind of like it.

Speaker 3 It's not a beef.

Speaker 4 I thought it was, we were making fun of it. No, we are.

Speaker 2 We are. But it is, I think, it's one of those situations where it's like,

Speaker 2 you know, if we were in a platoon,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 4 Like in Vietnam?

Speaker 2 Like Vietnam. Here we are.

Speaker 2 We're in the

Speaker 4 same army?

Speaker 2 What's it called? In the dog hole or whatever? Yeah. No, what?

Speaker 2 Fox hole. Fox hole.
Fox hole. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Get down, Bob. Why are you making those funny noses with your mouth? No, I don't know.

Speaker 2 When you do that, anybody can hear. Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry. You keep going pew, pew.
Yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Like, there's no one around. Yeah.
Who's this guy? Is this new? Is this guy new?

Speaker 4 Hey, guys, I got transferred.

Speaker 2 Emmanuel, hey. Hey, hey.
Emmanuel,

Speaker 2 what's it?

Speaker 3 Are you a good shot?

Speaker 4 Can you shoot? Oh, yeah. I'm a sniper.
That's why I'm here.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Good.
Thank God you are.

Speaker 2 Why do you have a machete? Yeah, what is that for?

Speaker 4 Well, you guys were supposed to provide me with a sniper.

Speaker 2 I forgot the gun. I forgot the gun.

Speaker 2 I forgot the gun. I mean, I always carry it.
Sniper would bring their own gun. But they said I would bring it for them.

Speaker 4 The machete is just for me.

Speaker 4 Machete is just for me. It's not even that good.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 2 I think it's just

Speaker 4 rain. That's rain.
What? That's rain. Oh, it's raining.

Speaker 2 It's rain. Oh, that's rain.

Speaker 2 We have a drink.

Speaker 2 So, anyway, hey, Francisco,

Speaker 2 we're going to need you to do us a favor. Yeah, okay.
So, you know the enemy? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Charlie.

Speaker 2 I hate the enemy. Okay, Charlie.
No, no, no, no. It's Charles.
It's PC now. We have to say Charles.
Okay, Charles. No,

Speaker 2 he's the type of guy. He's the type of guy that he's going to go,

Speaker 2 hey.

Speaker 2 I mean, same platoon. Yeah.
Hey, Chang, because Vietnam War, go over there. I go over there.
He shoots me.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, I thought he was the enemy because of this.

Speaker 2 I think that's what you are.

Speaker 4 But I would shoot you in the leg as a joke. Right, as a bit.
As a bit.

Speaker 2 And I don't think that if I got shot, you would do a forest gump with me.

Speaker 4 Oh, like, no.

Speaker 2 I mean, Baba, you would. Baba, like, Baba.

Speaker 4 No, Baba, Forest Gump, yeah, he carries everybody out, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can. I don't think you would carry me out.

Speaker 4 I mean, too heavy.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 Okay, all right.

Speaker 2 He's strong. Dude, very good.

Speaker 4 No, I would. You know, I was there when the, when the, you know, in the comedy store, when there was like somebody.

Speaker 2 The guy that got you.

Speaker 4 I was exact. I was like, literally, like, right here, the guy, and I turn around and I see the guy shooting him.

Speaker 2 I was there that night, but I was inside and I had heard it go down, but I

Speaker 2 it was so surreal because I wasn't out front

Speaker 2 that when I heard it, I thought it was a lie. Even though I know it was real.
Yeah. Like I heard it.

Speaker 4 But I saved the girl and the free. I pushed them down.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Yeah.
You're an American hero. Yeah.
So for people that don't know, a gang member came on the comedy store patio years ago and went right up to a guy and shot point blank. Point blank.

Speaker 2 How many people were there? In front of the OR, the original one.

Speaker 4 No, no, in the patio.

Speaker 2 In the patio, yeah, but it's in front of the

Speaker 2 in the outside bar there in 2015. Exactly.
Yeah. A gang member ran up on the patio point blank, shot a guy in the chest.
How many people were in the patio right there?

Speaker 4 It was pretty, it was like late. It was like maybe like 25, 30 people.

Speaker 4 Oh my my god and then because i was on the road or something i didn't miss it but so then you saw the man got shot i saw that i turn around i see the guy shooting because i it would look it didn't even sound like a gun it sounded like firecracker you know it's like so i was like i you know reacted through the people that were with me and i just and i thought it was one of those serial killers that was gonna basically

Speaker 2 one of those famous comedy store comedy club series oh no open my open mic

Speaker 2 okay go ahead i came back it's like tommy didn't pass me or something all right right you still you still are down with the second amendment now all of them after they get shot at. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, so when you saw that, I heard Josh Nasser held his body. Is that true? Yeah, he held.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he did. I don't know why I'm laughing.
Why are you laughing at that, dude?

Speaker 2 I don't know what. Wait, he what?

Speaker 4 No, he did. He did.
I hit it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that got shot? Yeah, yeah.
So the guy got shot, and Josh Nasser. Was he making a TikTok? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, rest in peace with him. Hey, man, you look so good, dead.

Speaker 2 So dark. That's so dark.

Speaker 2 You're just joking. So you saw Josh hold the guy's body?

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, he hold him like... Was there caressing going on?

Speaker 2 Like rubbing his head.

Speaker 4 Like he was in the stairs, so it's kind of like,

Speaker 2 come on, like,

Speaker 2 come on.

Speaker 4 Like, he was trying to...

Speaker 2 Trying to shake those bullets out of him.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah, yeah.
That's crazy. That is crazy.
Go to the Google image of it.

Speaker 4 Because he shot him point blank.

Speaker 2 That's nuts. That's insane.
Well, the good thing was, and go to the first image. I hate to say this, but I'm glad that he didn't shoot anybody else.

Speaker 4 No, that's what I, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's so funny to have your car trapped in the parking lot after a shooting. Like Don Barris' car, he just can't move it.
Yeah, yeah. Were you in the parking lot?

Speaker 2 No, no, I was in the back of the comedy store. Hey, but your car was in the parking.
No, that was back when I lived in the neighborhood. I used to walk.
Oh, wow. That's funny.
So I was in the.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with me? Sacred Ground. I was in the back.
I was by Sacred Ground in our... Look at that.
My name is on the fucking Zubitch.

Speaker 2 Both of our names are there. Wow.
No, Zuvin, Zuvin. My name is not up there.
Yes, it is. Yeah, Bobby Lee, right there.
Who is it? Jeff Ross, Bobby Lee, and Kirk Fox. And Kirk Fox.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 You know how I know. So, okay.
I wasn't out of town. This is proof now.

Speaker 2 I loved it.

Speaker 4 But it was slate. So you probably left.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Was I there? That night.
That's how, like, hey, that's right.

Speaker 2 As much as he cancels spots, he was probably not there. Yeah, that's right.
I don't, I cancel spots. Because I would remember you being there that night.
Oh, you weren't there that night.

Speaker 4 I don't want to play conspiracy theories, but maybe

Speaker 2 Francisco, were you? Did you? Maybe you were. I were the shooting.

Speaker 4 It was the perfect alibi. Wow.

Speaker 2 I was out of town. I always cancel spots.

Speaker 2 Or it could could have been Kirk Fox. He was also.
Did they ever catch the guy?

Speaker 4 No, they did. I think they did.
Oh, they did. Because he was like crazy.
It was crazy. It was a gang thing related.
Apparently, the guy from, I think, Detroit or somewhere like that.

Speaker 4 And like, the guy, like, he traveled, like, he was here visiting, and that's why he was.

Speaker 2 He traveled to kill him. But back to the very first image.
I actually want that printed out and hung up in the studio. Can you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a beautiful image of a murder with our names on the marquee button. I mean, that's history right there.
That's history right there. Well, everyone, please go watch this video.
Go watch

Speaker 2 Francisco. Thank you for.

Speaker 2 what's your handles? That's all you want.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. F Ramos Comedy on Instagram.

Speaker 2 From Framos Comedy.

Speaker 4 Framos Comedy.

Speaker 2 Framos Comedy. Go see our boy.
Give it up for Francisco.

Speaker 4 Thank you. Thank you for having everybody.

Speaker 2 Come over here. Carlos, Carlos, will escort you out, you fucking dumb slut.
I love you, doggy. Thank you, man.
You're the fucking man. Dude, killed it.
Thank you. I love you.

Speaker 2 What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 3 What are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 Bill.

Speaker 3 I was right next door.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 2 Are you being real? I didn't fucking do this. Yeah, who did this? Go that one, Blue.
The blue.

Speaker 2 Can you do the blue?

Speaker 2 That's fine. That's fine.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Bobby Lee, this is your life.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. Did you know Bill was coming?

Speaker 3 No, I was upstairs. I was editing my next

Speaker 3 stupid special. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, his editing suite is right here. Oh, it is? Neil Brennan is up there.
Oh, wow, wow. I didn't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is like.

Speaker 2 What the fuck am I doing here? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 2 the great Bill Burr. 10 tests on it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 How many times? Every fucking night we see each other at the store, and now you're

Speaker 3 acting like we don't live in the same city. Like, oh, my God, like, I came in from fucking New Zealand.

Speaker 2 It's the last person I ever expected to come into the fucking

Speaker 2 studio.

Speaker 3 Do it one more time, but not as long.

Speaker 2 I just came in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I just came in. I thought they were on TV.

Speaker 2 I was like, wow, that's fucking

Speaker 2 HD9 or something. That's so fucking clear.
Wow.

Speaker 3 Well, I didn't want to interrupt you guys. I know that

Speaker 3 you guys have a close personal bond.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We're so joyous that you're here.
What are you talking about? How happy to this? You've blushed. I did.
Yeah. And yeah.
Well, you know what?

Speaker 2 Cause I saw him walk in and I thought, is this a bit that these guys set up? Did you guys set, you know, oh, oh, I see.

Speaker 3 Somebody just said you just missed Bobby Lee. So I was like looking in, I was looking for your car.
The first thing I was looking for was a bumper hanging off the fucking

Speaker 2 car here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The perpetuation of the stereotype is real. Bobby got in an accident the first month he had the car, and then now again.

Speaker 2 Yesterday.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it has nothing to do with Asians. It just has to do.
He doesn't care.

Speaker 2 Dude, that's the serious justice. Thank you so much for saying that.
I know.

Speaker 2 That's what it is. Is that the race? I don't want to bring my people down.
No, it isn't. Yeah, it's because I don't give a shit.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, it just so happened you got into two car accidents within a month.

Speaker 3 Yeah, okay. I know, but does that offset Tokyo drift?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, probably not.

Speaker 2 One One Bobby Lee erases all of these fucking guys.

Speaker 3 I'll say this one thing, and I'll let you guys get back because

Speaker 3 you guys had an agenda.

Speaker 2 No, we did it. No, no, dude, what are you talking about, Bill? Nothing.
Yeah. What are you editing? Your special? Yes.
Okay. Congratulations.
Do we have a name for the special?

Speaker 2 I don't know yet.

Speaker 3 I'm working on it, but that was just absolute hell for four fucking hours. And I am, who the fuck wants to watch themselves for an hour? Yeah.

Speaker 2 For four hours. It was horrible.
It was fucking horrible. I'm going to go.

Speaker 3 I got. I got.

Speaker 3 So now,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 3 I think I got to go in tomorrow and then I'm done. Where'd you shoot it?

Speaker 3 I shot it in Seattle. Look at us fucking doing this little promo thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I feel like one of these younger comics, how they just fucking know how to promote the shit out of this stuff. They're amazing.

Speaker 2 Well, let's talk about it because part of the reason I signed up Hulu is because of you.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Well, because Hulu brought over people from Netflix and they were like.

Speaker 3 You can't shake this guy.

Speaker 2 I keep following him.

Speaker 3 Well, the reason why I went over to Netflix is because the head guys over there told me there's not enough room for two gingers on one streaming platform, and we're going with the younger, cuter one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So they laugh. When you guys see each other, is there an extra bond? Yeah, well,

Speaker 2 we have a

Speaker 2 mute,

Speaker 2 the sadness. Yeah.
We've had the same kind of pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A similar pain through line. Yeah.
But, Bill, were you bullied growing up or no? Yes. Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah,

Speaker 3 I I was sort of in the middle. Like, I bullied some kids, and then I was bullied, and then I hit puberty late.
So then that was the end of my fighting.

Speaker 2 I was 17 when I got my first hair. How old were you?

Speaker 3 Oh, Jesus Christ. I didn't have a diary.

Speaker 2 Oh, you did?

Speaker 3 I wasn't 17.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Because when I got my first hair, it was, we celebrated.
It was a big deal. Yeah, we got a cake, everything.
But what about under the arm, though? You still don't have a lot of armpits.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I still have some.
Just a cute. Oh, those are cute.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. But I remember the first hair.
I think it's still there.

Speaker 2 You still got it? Yeah, even when I shave it, I keep that one.

Speaker 3 Bobby's starting to look like one of those old career gamblers.

Speaker 2 What? That's a good thing? Yeah, it's a great thing. Yeah, you got that.

Speaker 3 If you didn't have the scorpions thing on, this

Speaker 2 is something.

Speaker 2 You're like Phil Locke. You're like one of these guys.
Yeah, like that guy. Oh, that guy.
Yeah. Wow.
That guy knows Paigal. You know what?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the name of the clip is, but one of my favorite ones I ever saw. And then I'm going to leave.
I'm just going to leave it.

Speaker 2 No, don't leave that bitch. That's going to be the bit.

Speaker 2 Please don't leave. And then I'm going to leave.

Speaker 3 I was watching this World Series of poker, and this guy fucking goes all in. And you know, when they go all in, they start walking around.
Like, here comes the river.

Speaker 3 And it was like he had a 98% chance of, I don't know, poker, but you know, and then all of a sudden the flop came and then it fucking went down to like 7%, but he didn't know.

Speaker 3 And then the last thing hit and he fucking lost. And the guy literally just literally just goes, ah, yeah.
And he fucking just stormed off and sat there.

Speaker 3 It was this little two-step thing to where the crowd was. He sat down on those stairs and he put his hand like that and he cried for like 15 seconds.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then he just collected himself and was like, all right, and just moved on.

Speaker 2 It was like, it was unbelievable. How much money was it, do you think? Millions.
Yeah, it was like

Speaker 3 and and he got totally, there was no way, what do they call it, a bad beat? There was no fucking way he should have lost it. And he did, and he went, ah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He sat down

Speaker 3 for like 15 seconds.

Speaker 2 You're not, you're not, you're not a gambler, are you?

Speaker 3 Nah, I just don't.

Speaker 3 I don't have the patience for it. And I just, also, I just, I get it.
I get it. You're, you're winning and I'm losing.

Speaker 2 Like, why would I do this? But we get our dopamine hits from other things.

Speaker 2 What do you get your dopamine hits from? What's your

Speaker 3 learning new shit? And what it really is, it's not a dopamine thing. It staves off my depression.

Speaker 2 So that's what I've learned.

Speaker 3 Like, I stay out of the, when I get free time, nothing makes me sadder than free time. Yeah.
And just sitting there thinking about life, shit that happened me, it just makes me sad.

Speaker 3 So I'll literally, like, you know, you know, the usual bullshit, go to the gyms, play drums or something like that.

Speaker 3 But learning something new because I don't know what I'm doing and I have to like listen to that makes me not think about it.

Speaker 2 Can you give us some new shit that you've learned?

Speaker 2 Give us some new shit.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you,

Speaker 3 I rode a fucking Harley-Davison road glide the other day up in Santa Maria, and I've never ridden one. I was always intimidated because it was so fucking big.

Speaker 3 I'd ridden smaller ones and it was one of the fucking do you remember in ferris bueller's day off when they were going over the hill yeah yeah ferrari it was like the valets right yeah

Speaker 3 like we rode through the hills and everything and uh first of all it's a fucking the scariest thing is going slow on them and stopping because it's like oh my god is this thing gonna tip over once you get going it's it just it's a cadillac and you had that big what they call it the ferring so you weren't you know your neck doesn't hurt you're just cruising so he took us up into the mountains and there was literally nobody on the road we went down one street, and there was all of these trees just on one side, and the trees were curling over like you were surfing in like a tube, except you were on a bike, right?

Speaker 3 It was amazing. And then we came out of the valley, and me and Dean Delray, we switched bike.
I got on the sports glide.

Speaker 3 He got on mine, and then the guy took us through, and then they knew I was comfortable. They started tearing down the fucking, like the valley.
Like, mountains are coming up like that.

Speaker 3 So, you know, I kicked it up two, three times, whatever. So I thought I was doing like fucking 55, 60.
I looked down, I was doing 90.

Speaker 2 Wow. And now it says, woo! Wow.
Dude, that,

Speaker 3 that, yeah, that was, that was like, you know, the adrenaline thing to the heart. That was, that lasted like a week.
Wow. I couldn't stop fucking thinking about it.
And

Speaker 2 do you have a bike? Yeah, I have a, I got a little one. I got a little royal infield.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you guys what I learned? But I don't drive around in LA streets. Can I tell you guys what I learned?

Speaker 2 Can you not?

Speaker 2 Can you?

Speaker 2 Can I learn something? He talked the whole show. He learned something.

Speaker 3 He learned something. I learned something.

Speaker 3 Let Asian Bobby Kelly say something.

Speaker 2 Forget it, you know? No, no, I want to hear a supportive environment. Go ahead.
All right, so I'm going to tell you. I mean, so Stardew Valley, right? It's a video game I play.

Speaker 2 See, already, dude, I don't like that. Because it's not entertaining.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Well, I'm just telling you something I learned.
You know, I've been playing that game for years, right? So you can go to Robin's carpenter shop and actually move the greenhouse.

Speaker 2 It doesn't have to, because, you know, I've always built around the greenhouse. Like, oh my god, there's not enough space, but you actually can move it like next to your house.

Speaker 3 Is this that one of those games where you're building a village and then you fight other villages?

Speaker 2 There's no fighting in that way, Bill. So nice try, but I'm just asking.

Speaker 3 No, it sounded interesting to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 No, it's and I understand that response because I've done nothing but give you shit for 20 years.

Speaker 2 I get it. So it's like, it's no, it's a farming game.

Speaker 7 Is it more exciting than the giant melons?

Speaker 2 Bill, would you get one of those big bikes? Would you ever want to invest in one of those big Harleys or no? 100%. So this is the next move.

Speaker 3 It was, yeah, I'm going to do the gingered wild hogs.

Speaker 2 Please. Totally.
Please put me in.

Speaker 3 The midlife crisis. No, it's one of those things just like,

Speaker 3 you know, I just feel as an American, at some point you have to ride one of

Speaker 3 those big bikes. Just do it one, even if you just do it one fucking time.
It was, it was, like, I would never, like, I don't ride around here. Like, I'm always in, like, the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 3 Like, you know, when we're in Colorado, we were up in Boulder, went to the Rockies a little bit. And it's just, just stay away from people.

Speaker 3 But, like, I had a bike out here for about six weeks, about 10 years ago, and the level of texting, it was like everybody was like, had like three beers in them.

Speaker 3 So there was just all of this drifting.

Speaker 3 And it was, it was fucking terrifying. So I remember like, I never pray.
But I literally, I was all the way out in somewhere near the beaches or whatever. And I said a prayer.

Speaker 3 I said, God, if you get me home, I swear to God, I'm never riding this again and I'm going to sell it. And I did.
And then

Speaker 2 I fucked up like an addict.

Speaker 3 I rode one when

Speaker 3 I was in Austin and the Moto GP race was there. That's the Formula One of bike racing.
I fucking love that shit.

Speaker 3 And they had this thing on Saturday where like the dads, you know, all the dads could go there. And they called it the Victory Lap.
And I had not ridden a bike in like 10 years.

Speaker 3 So I said, i i think i want to be in the back i want it because it was like i felt like it was a hundred guys in i was like i want to be in the back i want to be in the back because i don't want to be going fast or anything and they said no dude you want to be in the front you want to be in the front because we're going to be going like 25 30 miles an hour 40 maybe on a straighter way but those guys in the back they wait They wait like two minutes and they wait.

Speaker 3 And then those guys, you know, the guys that get the full fucking leathers on. So I said, all right, good.
So anyway, I did that. And I was so thrilled that I still remembered how to do it.

Speaker 3 And then it just, it just, it's back.

Speaker 2 It's just an itch. Have you ever ridden a bike?

Speaker 2 Never have. Oh, my God.
But I've ridden like a bike-a-bike.

Speaker 2 Not a bicycle, bud. Okay, okay.

Speaker 3 A bike-a-bike?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. Like a standard, like, you know, like, you know what I mean? Like a standard bike bike.
Bike-a-bike. No, no, no, like, you know, like the balancing kind.

Speaker 2 Do you have a tan?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Do I have a tan? Yeah, yeah.
You look tannerous. Did you do somewhere tropical? No.
Okay. You have a nice tan.
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
Thank you, Bobby.

Speaker 3 That's very nice of you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby, this is our new relationship. I don't like it.
Why don't you like it? I fucking hate it. Be so nice to me.

Speaker 2 You've been so nice to me in the last couple of years.

Speaker 3 I was always nice to you. I just did it in a dysfunctional way.
I always trashed you because I loved you.

Speaker 2 I love you too.

Speaker 3 Now I can look

Speaker 3 sort of in your eyes.

Speaker 3 It's a difficult thing to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. To try to see them.

Speaker 3 I mean, you really are, you are like extra Asian. There you go.

Speaker 2 There we go. White eyes.
We call it white eyes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. yeah.
This is how, this is, I don't know if this is maybe a thing with our skin tone and hair, but I've seen you have clothes that I also have.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, is that because we have that thing that we pay for our limited color palette? Yeah, well, those shoes, I have those exact fucking shoes. I don't know anybody that has those shoes.

Speaker 2 You know what I love about New Balance is people go, oh, that's an old white guy sneaker.

Speaker 3 It's like, well, yeah, I'm an old white guy. So like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Speaker 2 But you, you, but you, Fitzsimmons, and you guys all have the same kind of attire. Is it a red-headed thing?

Speaker 2 Greg is not a red-headed. He's not a redhead.
Fitzsimmons is a redhead. No, he's not.
No, he's not. He's not one of your tribe? No.
No. He never had, when he did have hair, it was dark.

Speaker 3 He had brown hair. I think when he grew a goat goatee, he might have had red in his beard.

Speaker 2 A little bit. But look, he had dark hair when he was young.

Speaker 2 Look at that face, though. It's so pink.
I know. I'm surprised you're not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 what are you doing?

Speaker 3 Why are you making fun of other people?

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 What about the bully too, dude? I can look at somebody's photo and go, they're pink.

Speaker 3 No, but I mean, just the messenger is just throwing me.

Speaker 2 You know, and it's so funny that you say that, Mr. Burr, because I'm going to say this, all right? I've gotten gained some confidence over the years, and I think I'm very good looking.

Speaker 2 So, how long are you going to do that? You know what I would love to do?

Speaker 3 I would love to take a Sharpie and color in the skin between the mustache and whatever the fuck that is on your chin.

Speaker 2 All right. I got it.
I do have to go. Oh, you don't have to go.
I love you. Please stay.
We love you, Bill. Thank you so much.
Yeah, and

Speaker 3 I have positive feelings about you guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 All right, that's it. That was, that was it.
You know what I liked? That was a soft, what do they call it? A soft opening

Speaker 3 of my special.

Speaker 2 Oh, here you go. Give him a special.

Speaker 3 I mean, you're trying. This is like you went to wardrobe.
You went to wardrobe.

Speaker 2 Give him a big hug, Bill. Will you please?

Speaker 3 I always wanted to know, what is that Notary Republic stamp tattoo that you have on your forearm? What is that?

Speaker 2 Which one? Oh, God.

Speaker 2 One of my body?

Speaker 3 Yeah, why did you do that to yourself? I know. At what point do you just say, I gotta lose this? Dude, that is third trimester.

Speaker 2 Give him a big hug. All right, I love you, my body.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Bill.

Speaker 3 Are you afraid of another ginger?

Speaker 2 Come on, bring it in there.

Speaker 2 What a surprise.

Speaker 2 Bill Burr, everybody, give him a round of applause. Bill Burr, surprise.
Bill Burr.

Speaker 2 What a great surprise. What a great surprise.
Who's this next bitch that's coming in?

Speaker 7 You might remember her.

Speaker 8 Dude, that was crazy.

Speaker 2 Look at this fucking little beautiful specimen that we spawned spawned on this show. Oh, my God.
Do you see this little screw?

Speaker 8 That was insane.

Speaker 8 Bill just popped in there. Yeah, yeah.
He's like, is Fabi here? I was like, yeah, they're recording, but you could probably just walk right in.

Speaker 2 God, it's crazy. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about our beautiful little specimen that came back. I know, but

Speaker 2 can we just talk about Bill? So for some reason, sometimes, especially in a, like, I had to get prepared for him. But that surprise, I was sort of like shell-shocked almost.

Speaker 2 You were. I was a stumbling fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 But I'm always a stumbling moron with him. I'm never myself when I'm around him.
He's the only one. You know, me too.
Why is that? Because his dominance. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to say. So then I try to throw in that Stardew Valley, right? That was really good.
I don't know. And then I just go, oh.
Because he's one of the greatest living comedians. Oh, no.

Speaker 8 And anybody watching, that's what getting bumped feels like.

Speaker 2 We're like, okay, Bill Bernie.

Speaker 8 I got to follow that in a way.

Speaker 2 It's like shrill girls. And then the tan thing I said, it's like, what am I talking about? I heard that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I was like, meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah, but at least you're having fun.

Speaker 2 I was asking dumb interview questions. You guys are like girls.
We are. Yeah, we are.

Speaker 3 I was like shot by.

Speaker 2 He's one of the greatest living comedians, so it's hard for me. If Chappelle comes in here, I'm done.

Speaker 8 He came in, too. I was like, Bill's on down.

Speaker 2 If Dave Chappelle found that one of his employees was talking shit about him through text. Yeah, that would be a big deal.
That would be a very big deal. Don't you think that'd be a big deal? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's going on? Yeah. Well, you know, I'll tell you what's going on.

Speaker 8 You're pointing your fingers at me, but it met me.

Speaker 2 Well, you're pointing them to somebody else. I know what's going on.
I'll tell you what's going on.

Speaker 2 I grabbed McCone's phone. I knew it was McColl, right, right? And I go to the messaging and I go, I wonder if I put my name in the search thing.
Yeah. All this shit behind me.
Oh, that's so smart.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
And he freaked the fuck out. He ran from behind there.
He knocked all the artwork out. He knocked all the artwork out of the car.
And we did a thing.

Speaker 2 You also went through my photo album one time. I did.
You love to snoop. I'm a snoopy snoop.
He's a little snoop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's a snooper pooper.

Speaker 2 He kept looking at my photos, so like, getting nervous. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I am so shocked that you haven't inquired about what's in the bag. What's in the bag?

Speaker 8 Whoa, I have gifts for you guys.

Speaker 2 Welcome back to What's in the Bag. What's in the bag? What's up? Can you pass this out to everybody? Get over here, McCone.

Speaker 8 I'm exercising my power.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I love it, dude.
You've been doing it for years. Why slow down now? No, I've learned it from you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? Whoa.

Speaker 2 What is that? What? Hello. Sunglasses.
Oh my God. This is so rad.
Wait, wait. You have your own sunglasses?

Speaker 8 Yes, it's been taken, it's taken years to make them, but it's the only collaboration I've ever taken part of. The owner of the company reached out to me and was like, Do you want your own suggestions?

Speaker 2 These are so we talked about this. I didn't know you were actually going to do this.
You also never called me back after I called you and you wanted some advice.

Speaker 2 They feel good.

Speaker 2 You never called me back. I knew you were going to bring that up.
You never called me back. I was pissed off about it.
She never called me back.

Speaker 8 You want me to say the thing?

Speaker 2 Okay, who am I? I'm doing an impression with these glasses. Who am I, okay? Yeah.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 No, I know it.

Speaker 2 Jesse, Johnson. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Prince, Prince, Prince,

Speaker 2 wait, wait, wait, I'll get it, I'll get it. Hold on.

Speaker 8 Bobby wearing pink glasses.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, no. No, yeah.
Is this just you?

Speaker 2 Crocodile Rock.

Speaker 2 Elton John. Yeah.
Elton John. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I hope these glasses bring you as much joy as they bring me. You're here's looking at you.
Sincerely, Jesse Johnson.

Speaker 8 These are Jesse Jetsky, Juicy Johnson.

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't say that on that. Yes, it does.
Oh, it does. Oh, this is incredible, dude.
These are so cool.

Speaker 2 This is an incredible thing you did. I did.
Thank you.

Speaker 8 I thought you guys were going to hate it for some reason.

Speaker 2 I'm so happy for you.

Speaker 8 I got them for everybody. You guys don't have to wear them, but I hope you enjoy them.

Speaker 2 Uh, we're wearing them.

Speaker 2 I love them. Also, are yours thicker than mine? No, but this is the same.

Speaker 8 They're all the same. You can get them online, too, if anybody wants them.

Speaker 2 Watch it. Bring yours over here.
I don't think they're the same. And we'll put the link in the description.
They're all the same, dude. Promo code.
Ours is a little. Mine's little or something.

Speaker 2 Promo code what? Jet ski. Jet ski to buy these.
These are incredible.

Speaker 2 your face is big and by the way uh just for the record uh our good friend uh janelle garza did the art for this which i do think is so sick she's an incredible artist yeah

Speaker 2 and look at how dope the box is i mean that alone is incredible dude what you've been up to jess touring i'm on my first tour trump it 2024 trump trump it 2024 trump it 2024 that's great that's very smart yeah was that on accident yeah and then then I made the shirts, and then I made the connection.

Speaker 2 Nice, dude. I see.
Very nice. Yeah.
See him later.

Speaker 8 Can I play the Irvine Houston and Sacramento before I go? Trumpet 2024 tour. I have three more stops.
Irvine, Houston, Sacramento. Irvine Improv? Irvine Improv.

Speaker 2 The weekend or?

Speaker 8 The weekend late-night shows.

Speaker 8 One late-night show, Friday, one late-night, Saturday. Midnight?

Speaker 8 10:30 p.m.

Speaker 2 Oh, go check it out. Please go see it.
You're going? Please go see our friends. When go check it out, I'm not going to go.
Oh, I thought you were like, I'm going to go. We can go.

Speaker 2 You want us to open up the show?

Speaker 8 Yeah, would you guys?

Speaker 2 We should, shouldn't we? I think we should open it. And when is this?

Speaker 8 Everything's on jetskyjohnson.com.

Speaker 2 I'll be

Speaker 2 busy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm okay. I'm going to be busy.

Speaker 8 Oh, and Rainbow Optics, the glasses, anything you want on the website, 20% off.

Speaker 2 What is a promo code?

Speaker 8 Jetsky. Promo code Jetski.
Much to it.

Speaker 2 Jetsuki, sign off the way we used to.

Speaker 8 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Love you.

Speaker 2 The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

Speaker 2 Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he truly is his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

Speaker 2 And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison to destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

Speaker 2 I thought he says, lay my vengeance upon thee. Yeah,

Speaker 2 let me do it backwards. But this says upon you.
You upon vengeance, my lay I, when Lord is the name, I know will you and

Speaker 2 brothers, my destroy and poison to attempt to those anger furious and vengeance great with thee upon downstrike will and I. Children lost of finder and keeper, brothers.

Speaker 2 His truly is he for darkness of valley, the through weak, the shepherds, will good, and charity of name. The in he is blessed.

Speaker 2 Men, evil of tyranny, the and selfish, the of inequities, the by sides, all on beset is man, righteous, the of path, thee.

Speaker 2 Very good. That's actually fucking awesome backwards.
It's just as good backwards as it is forward. Yeah, that's why it's brilliant.
Ezekiel 25:17. Yeah.
God, we got to read the Bible, dude.

Speaker 2 The Bible's got some bangers.

Speaker 2 Let's take out every other word. Save that to Brooks.

Speaker 2 The of righteous is on

Speaker 2 all by inequities. The

Speaker 2 and tyranny of men.

Speaker 2 Blessed.

Speaker 2 blessed he.

Speaker 2 It's hard, huh? Blessed he inane charity, good shepherds, weak

Speaker 2 valley darkness. He truly brothers and finder lost.

Speaker 2 Wow,

Speaker 2 they worked that way too.