Bill Burr Takes Us On a Ride

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands, Borderlands.
Bobby's in a new hit movie out real soon. Did you read any reviews? Have you? I read a couple.
It was a review. Bring up one of the reviews for Borderlands.
I want to see it. The video game adaptation falls short of low expectations.
So they set the bar low. They still went below it.
Yeah. Once.
There was a pleasant highlight though, as I must say, almost saved the film for me, if not his brief appearance. Bobby Lee.
His presence gave me an ease of laughter that I needed when he appeared on the screen. If Borderlands did anything right, he was casting Bobby Lee.
I hope to see him in more in the future. Who wrote that? With that, I'm signing off.
Who wrote that? As the only redeeming quality of the film. Thank you, Mr.
Lee. And that was written.
Go up to the top. Yeah.
That was written by who? Peter DeBruge. Oh, thank you, Peter.
Go up a little bit. What? Variety.
Wow, dog pretty big so i met up with bobby last night after the premiere and bobby was uh with a date and we had some friends show up matt rife matthew rife and jackson mcqueen great guy funniest thing bobby did at the night when i said i had to go because i had to get up early this morning bobby ordered an uber didn't tell anybody and then i was like goodbye love you guys. And I walked out and then Bobby goes, my Uber's here.
And he left Matt Rife sitting at the table by himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, what are you doing? What do you mean? He's an adult. I have to sit there and chaperone him? Well, you have to walk out with him.
You send me that? Yeah, he's going to post that. Send me that right there.
Send me that. This is a different one.

With every storm cloud, there's a silver lining, and that was Bobby Lee.

Seeing him made me smile instantly, and his brief appearance in the film made me all but

missing him.

Who wrote this?

This can't be real.

I'm so...

I'm barely in the movie.

There's no way this is real.

Dude, you're trying to trick me, dude.

Who wrote this?

Can I finish?

Come here, Carlos.

Come over here for a second.

Seeing him made me smile instantly.

Carlos, come over here. His brief appearance in the film made me all but I'll miss him every night That's very funny Really good trick dude Really good trick Very good Alright so let me say something Okay The first one you can get me Right Yeah And You got a little greedy Didn't you Yeah yeah yeah So look at me right now Okay Borderlands had gold In Lee And I can't wait to see it.
So the first one, I'm like, that's odd, right? Yeah. But the second one, right? Now it's fake.
And as a friend, right? Did you write these? No, dude. I don't know why you can't love yourself.
Yeah, why can't you love yourself? All right, Carlos. So you don't know who wrote these.
Well, go up to the top. We can read this one.
It was written by Katie Walsh. Dude, on our friendship, is this a trick? Look, she's real, dude.
I understand. I knew who Katie Walsh is, right? She's the former White House deputy chief of staff.
Yeah, yeah. So the former White House chief of staff wrote that article for donald trump yeah sure it's for the l.a okay all right so who wrote it carlos katie walsh did no no no all right so carlos can i say the funniest part about this yeah it's a go back to it says katie walsh wrote it this morning at 11 35 in the morning i i know it's not funny if that's the review i'm happy so that's good.
But if I find out, dude, I swear to fucking God, I'm going to rage out. Okay.
All right? So I'm going to give you one last shot. Did you write it? One last thing.
Bro, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know, dude? What was the question? Yeah.
What was the question of course it's real and with my name so that guy wrote it with my name in there so that i did a good job yeah you're the silver thank you bobby lee yeah you're the silver lining okay so that's all i need to know let's move on congratulations okay thank you yeah okay but i'm gonna tell you if that's not real i find it's not real even you mccone right even everyone in the room, I swear to God, I'm my mother tell you, if that's not real, I find it's not real. Even you, McCone, right?

Everyone in the room.

I swear to God.

What am I like?

On my mother.

No, he's fine.

On my mother's life.

Yeah.

On my mother's life.

If that's not real, I will not do your movie at all.

I don't care when you get the money.

I swear to God on my mother's life.

I have nothing to do with it.

All right.

So you have nothing to do with the review.

You have nothing to do with it. No, I just pulled it up.
All right. you pulled it up.
I couldn't pull it up on my phone, all right? Why? Because it's not real. Now, let me ask you something as a friend, dude.
Yeah. Is that real? It looked real to me.
No, but you don't think there's any tomfoolery going on? Unless these gentlemen fooled us. This is fun.
I got to get to the bottom of this. Maybe you too.
I have nothing to do with this. I know you don't.
I know. Let's just move on.
This is fun. I gotta get to the bottom of this.

Maybe you too.

I have nothing to do with this. I know you don't.

I know.

Let's just move on.

Let's start the podcast.

We just did.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, anyway,

I didn't think I was good.

Your date said you were really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She said to me,

she goes,

Let's just move on for a baby.

Let's talk about sneaking to Nikki.

You want to talk about sneaking to Nikki?

Nah, mine's already gone.

I liked it. Yeah, you did, right.
Yeah. You can mine's already gone i liked it yeah you did right yeah you can be dismissed okay yeah well i'm excited to go shoot a movie in budapest that's gonna be great tomorrow i know congratulations dude a little nervous i'm not gonna lie you can be great this is the first time i've been nervous in like a long time yeah like i'm actually nervous like i'm genuinely i haven't been nervous in film like nobody makes me nervous but it's like well the problem i don't know i want it to be good i know you're in one scene right or a couple scenes no no one scene right so and it's also there's a lot of stars in it and so they've already been working together you probably have to walk into a situation yeah you're new you're.
You're right. And so you have to kind of kill it the first.

First take.

Take.

Out the jump.

Yeah, yeah.

So I've got to make.

Even rehearsals, you've got to kind of know it.

Oh, dude, I know every line, line by line.

Is it a lot?

I know their lines.

Is it a lot?

No, it's five pages.

Wow.

But no, no, no.

My lines aren't five pages.

The scene is a five-page scene.

How many lines do you have?

One and a half. Pages.
One and a half lines. Is it really one and a half lines? I only have four lines.
Wow. And they're flying all the way over there for that.
For four lines. Yeah.
Yeah. So you're going to walk in.
You're going to feel the nerves. What's the line? Do you know? Make it up.
I know all of them. You know all words? I know their lines.
You memorize the whole thing. I know the whole scene.
you know Make it up I know all of them You know all words I know their lines You memorize the whole thing I know the whole scene You know when people do that It's like I did that because I really wanted to feel the scene I wanted to know what That's what you have to do Is to memorize other people's lines to feel the scene Well let's not talk about memorizing lines Let's not go toe to toe on that Okay Let's not I memorized the wrong pages i remember i'm today i'm so defensive and let me tell you because i'm still deceived by the borderlands i'm so mad about it to me i can't i know but i can't even let that go until i know the truth and then we can move on okay it's awesome yeah I swear to god Dude it's awesome yeah I'm so happy dude I swear to god dude it's Peter I promise it's real I promise let's look at some let's look at some youtube footage right now of dogs grabbing gopros make me make bobby happy okay and by the way I am yeah no I am nervous to do it oh here and here and I'll tell you you why humble pie moment yeah go ahead I want to look at his photos I don't want to fuck up oh in the movie I just don't want to look at this a dog with a GoPro boy oh boy this is going to make me feel good go boy yes look. Yes.
Oh, you. Look at him jump.

Whoa.

He can hold it onto his tail?

It's on his back.

Oh, I thought he was like hooking up with his tail.

I go, that guy's so talented.

Look at him go all the way. The dexterity on his tail.

Does he go to the beach?

Yeah.

Dude, this dog.

This would be so funny.

He just went into the ocean.

He does.

Look.

Yeah.

He's going to jump right in.

Yay. But he just keeps going.
And then you see like a little fin. And then.
Yeah. So let's look at the photos on in McCone's phone.
This is great. Is there any nudes? He hasn't locked it.
And photos. Okay.
Here we go. We've got a photo of me in there.
There's going to be some deep. That's where.
All right. So let me just say.
Let me just show the photos. Okay.
Yeah. Why would you have this? Honestly.
It's an eagle in a suit. Yeah.
Why would you have that on your phone? Very funny. It's very funny.
It's pretty fire. But I don't.
Okay. Here's another thing.
All right. So he just screenshot.
You know what I mean? An Elliot Smith song. Yeah.
That sounds right. Yeah, he couldn't memorize Say Yes.
Yeah. Because I was listening to...
Shut the fuck up! I have the fuck... Shut up! All right? Couldn't memorize Say Yes, dude.
Yeah, I didn't know. Would you like to see more? Please.
Okay. Is there any DPs in there? Okay, here's another...
Okay, this is a fucking hilarious one. He loves Mika Matsubara.
Loves Mika Matsubara. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Smell your Bob? Yeah, but can you just not on your Spotify just put it onto a playlist or you're making a favorite song or something? Did you have to screenshot it? My brother was listening to it. Oh, you're right.
So like, let me- Can I give you some advice? Yeah. In the podcast? Uh-huh.
When when he's talking you yelling doesn't do anything we doesn't we can't hear it it doesn't help so shut the fuck up okay here's a funny me i don't know if you created this but my fish is not eating anything please help and it's supposed to be a joke so there's a dead fish in a box yeah yeah yeah yeah this is funny stuff dude really good stuff good meme dude really good meme is there no pictures of chicks in there or anything? No, but here's a, this is so fucking white and liberal and like, I'm cool. You want to see this? Yeah.
Bro. Oh my God.
Oh my God. It's so gross.
Look at this. Yeah, you're one with the people, McCong.
I enjoy black people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I could also do is

search Andrew Santino

and see if he talks shit about you.

That's true.

Let's just say my name.

Yeah, this is fun.

No, no, no.

Look.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Get over there.

Get over there.

Stop.

What are you doing, dude?

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

My God.

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

Hold on.

I'm not going to do it.

Hold on.

What are you doing, dude? What the fuck are you doing, dude? Obviously, he's been talking some shit. Just back up.
I'm not going to do it, dude. Right? Obviously, he said some shit.
He said some shit. Just fucking.
Do you believe it, dude? You've said some shit. I already know you did.
Wow. You fucking asshole.
I guess he said some shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So back up, dude.

That's crazy.

This is pretty wild.

Back up, dude.

Back up, dude.

It's okay.

If you can say it to other people, why can't I read it?

Is it about me?

No, there's none about you.

It's about me.

Is it about me?

I know this.

Are you nervous about me? Did you say something you shouldn't have said about me?

Did you? You have to sit down and admit it. Yeah, go sit down.
Go sit down. Go sit down.
Give him his phone. No, I'm not going to give him his phone.
I'm not going to give him his phone. I got to read it.
No, no, no. Who did you say? Who did you talk shit about? Yeah.
Is it me? Yeah. Or Bobby? Let's see.
I'll do this. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. No, no no no no no no no no no no i can't believe you because you're gonna e-delete it or whatever what did you say did you talk shit about us no look at me in the face right now you're talking shit about me no about him yeah yeah that's interesting it's so interesting what does that mean to you well i mean it it means a lot to me it means um that we can't we're not that close and do you think it means no australia oh it means enough to a lot of things okay do you mean do you think it's removal of job well i know that i was being lied to about the the review too you were just so i'm assessing all that as well i'll confess it was my cone yeah i know I know it was what the writing no I wrote it oh you wrote the fucking article the variety thing yeah I'm taking okay then why the fuck did you lie to be over there I'm taking credit for the creative I didn't want the cone to get credit for that I know but why did you lie to me over there I was rolling with the bit oh okay the bit bit was good yeah very good so let's um cut to commercial break how does this work back after these messages um so i've got a bet i have a bet uh i have a bet with somebody that i can't raw dog it all the way to uh budapest and i might take him up on the bet but i have proof because i'm going to be flying.
So... Oh, she's going to Budapest with you? Yeah, so think about this.
Oh, this is fun. Think about this.
Yeah. It's a good amount of money, this bet, that I can't raw dog it.
You know what raw dogging on the airplane is? No phone, no movie. You just have to sit there and stare straight forward on a plane.
I can't raw dog it. Dude, I've...
You're not going to raw dog a European trip. I don't know.
It could be sick to win this bet, and I'll have proof. How much money is it? I don't even want to say.
Thousands? It's a lot of money. I can do it.
Yeah, I know you can. You don't own an iPad.
Yeah, you don't have an iPad. We have to buy you an iPad.
You don't think I can get all the way to Europe with raw dog? No headphones either. No music.
I can tell you how you do it you don't sleep at all until tomorrow you're not but listen you can't take you can't do drugs or you can't take drugs or alcohol that's the bet it has to be clean and sober can you sleep no that's the whole point oh my god well then the bet wouldn't be worth it if you could just sleep that doesn't do anything that's true the reason the bet is worth money is because i have to stay awake and rod dog the whole flight wow should i try can you talk to people no you have to sit alone and stare straight forward well your wife's gonna be there yep that's the whole that's the reason for the bet that's a 12 13 hour by the way she'll be sleeping the whole time so this is called raw dogging flight this is raw dogging on the flight when you fly all the way this guy's doing it no food no water no ac and no in-flight entertainment it's so it's It's so cool. It's a cool.
I kind of want to do it. Wow, wow, wow.
I'll put money on it.

That I can't yeah there's no way now i fucking want now but that you're in on it now i really want to prove that i can how much is he giving you i'll give you a thousand i'll set up my phone and i'll do a time lapse so i'll set up my phone so you see i'm not on technology now time lapse film myself on those little... For 12 hours? It's 15 to London.
15 hours.

And then two more to Budapest. Oh my god.

I could do it. Wow.

I might do it. And you know what? Fuck it.
I'm gonna do it.

What do you want to bet? $1,000.

I'll bet you $1,000. I'll do it.
Okay. Done.

I want cash.

Okay. No music.

No movies. Yeah.
Straight staring forward. Yeah.
See this is the new thing.

Why are men raw dogging on flights? Because

Can you go to the bathroom?

Yeah fancy. I have to go to the fucking bathroom your pants shit my pants and ruin everyone's flight what are you talking about dude how do we know you don't go on your phone when you're in your it's gonna be time-lapse i will let it sit at the seat you goon what are you talking about goofy goon it never i never i set it up once and then you leave it alone you let it so it's recording the seat the whole time and you time lapse it then we'll see it all in fast motion you'll see what i did by the way how about this you when you're going to spain you want to do a raw dog bet that you can't go to spain and raw dog it you want to make a bet oh yeah see you talk that talk walk that walk then let's go but here but let me say something yeah i don't want that for you i want to win the money yeah but you don't it's ridiculous why would you torture yourself it's not gonna be money that's gonna change anything it's fun it's a fun bet you don't just do things for fun it's not fun for you though yeah to win the money is fun it is yeah what do you mean if it's six figures that then maybe but anything below that it's like what the fuck's the point? how out of touch are you? six figures? you think someone's betting me a hundred thousand dollars to fly on a fucking I mean let's see how much would I need to get for me to raw dog a flight to Europe fifty grand grand.
50 fucking grand? Yeah, because I like comfort. Bob.
Yeah. 50 grand? To raw dog? You wouldn't do it for any less than that? No.
Wow, well, I'm an idiot because I'm trying to... Now, if I lost everything, if I lost everything, then yes.
Okay, then what? $1,500. $1,500.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I lost everything.
But it's like... I think it's a worthy challenge.
Please don't do it. I want to take my bet back.
No, you can't. You're done.
It's on camera. You already did it.
You owe me a grand. All right.
Can't wait to do it. Okay, let's do it.
Okay. Can you masturbate? Yeah, of course.
That's that. Okay, okay.
Yeah, that's what raw donging really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. I'm not kidding.
One time on a flight back from when I was in Reykjavik when I went to Iceland, it's a night flight. And when I came back, I'm not kidding.
I'm almost positive I saw a guy wanking because I walked up to the bathroom and you know there's lay beds, the lay flats. He was laying down but facing the window.
So his back was up to us. But it was this.
I saw his shoulder moving. Yeah.
And I was like, what does he fucking got Tourette's while he sleeps? but you know how dogs do that when they sleep my dog jerks off when she sleeps oh she does yeah she's always flicking but you know how they're always like what are they dreaming about you know i mean take a wild guess what a dog well in your house it must be nightmare what they dream about you walking to the kitchen. Faces, smells, interaction with their owners.
It's so basic. I think my dog dreams about running because she does this a lot.
Oh, I see. Yeah, I think she dreams a lot about running.
Think about it. She probably dreams about running in like a big field.
Yeah. This big, wide open field.
It's like us. What do you dream about? What if their dreams are complex and we don't know, like, you know what I mean? She's with Cleopatra.
Whoa. You're right, and he's barking orders on how to make pyramids.
King dog. Right, right.
Like, you know what I mean? He built the pyramids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's, right? And then when the aliens come down, right, to negotiate with the Egyptians, they have to communicate through the the dog you know what i mean and it's so it's so complex we don't even know but just in yeah maybe that's what's going on take me to your dog what that was your dream that's your dream yes i'm you have dreamt that yeah i have dreamt about that i have dreamt about to i have when i was with clear and they have these grand negotiations with the aliens you've done this yes all right and i'm like i'm super like olive skinned oh yeah yeah so i am egyptian you know i mean and i have like all this headwear you know i mean I mean? And my nails are nice. I have three cats, Siamese cats.
And I'm telling the aliens like, you know what I mean? About like, you know. Are you the, you're the person that communicates? You're the liaison? Well, I'm like Cleopatra's like, you know.
Bitch. Press secretary.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Like Kelly, what? McEnany. What's her name? Kellyanne Conway.
Not Kellyanne Conway. Yeah, you're more like a Kellyanne Conway.

Not Macanany.

How many languages can you speak in this dream?

Oh, every language.

You can speak every language.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

What was that?

What was that?

Italian.

Nice.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, right.

I need the fettuccine.

Yeah, you know, fettuccine.

Right.

So, yeah, you're right. You got it.
So, dogs, let's move on. Dogs dream just like us.
I just, what goes on in there? Dogs, they're just like us. You think they are? I think they dream just like we do.
Yeah. Because they experience it like us.
They just see it from down below. But, um.
Your dogs have watched you hook up? In the past, one time getting um you know sexually um pleasured pleasured by the you know i mean mouth yeah yeah yeah the mouth mouth pleasures you know i mean and um i was in the living room right getting mouth pleasured and um Gooner Rubbed Started rubbing my leg With his body Your fat?

And started purring

Oh my god yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean and I go we gotta go to the room pretty supportive and she's like what if you're like hey come on she's like wooly my dog has watched us hook up multiple times. She sits there and stares.
Yeah, but what is she thinking about? Yeah, what is she thinking? That's what I'm saying. Yeah, Cleopatra.
That's a good technique in his mind, maybe. He's like, slower.
Yeah. Anyway.
It is weird when they watch you. There's something about animals watching because they just, they keep clocking it.
They don't know if you're in pain, they're in pain or not. Yeah.
Or like wide shut, eyes wide shut style where people are wearing their masks at a ballroom and everyone's hooking like, you know what I mean? And you're just like, and some guy just, you know what I mean? And I'm just like, hey man. Just cucking.
Go over there. You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't be able to do it.
Yeah, you would. Yeah, you would.
Okay. If someone's watching you with a mask on, that would be fun.
Without a mask? No. Some dude.
Like me. Good job.
Yeah, yeah. Like, would you be able to do it with me in the room? Yeah.
Probably get me harder. Shut up! I'd be showing off.
Don't say shit like that. I'd be showing off.
No, no, no. Oh, yeah.
I'd go, Bob, check this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, high say shit like that I'd be showing off

no no no

oh yeah

I'd go Bob check this out

yeah yeah yeah

oh high five

yeah I'd do a different move

yeah yeah

pretty cool

I'd be trying to show off a little bit

you could get off

you could hook up with someone with me in the room

just standing there

really

there's no way

why

you make me laugh so much

so it just

it wouldn't work

every time you walk in the room makes me laugh

alright

right so there's no way

well

anyway

we were talking about the dogs dreaming and then we went to the GoPro. We went from GoPro to all that.
That's crazy. That's how our brains work.
Right. That's how it works.
But do you think the dog has any concept of water, like the ocean? Yeah, they love water. No, the concept of how deep and the creatures in there.
We should talk to them about it.

Right.

Do you have any concept of how deep the ocean is?

I just know it's endless.

They just found another big creature somewhere.

Look up creature in ocean found.

They just found yet another unidentifiable creature.

It was in the news.

I mean, this is the kind of stuff that I'm like,

the end is near.

Why?

Look at that thing. Yeah.
That's literally a picture of my penis. Look at how pale that thing is.
That is genuinely a picture. It's pale and sad.
Yeah. That is a picture of my penis.
That's insane. I mean, we're finding these things still now in this day and age.
This doesn't creep you out. Go down.
What did that say right there? Thousands of new species are found each year. That's incredible.
Every year we find thousands of these things in the ocean. Yeah.
Why are we not digging down more? Because we've never been to the bottom. It's impossible.
We got to go down there. What would we find? What happened last time? What happened last time we went down there? Oh, the last time we went down there? Bad stuff, dude.
Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is that? a new spider they found a new spider we're good we're all full tell the spider yeah get out of here wow there's a new spider they discovered what do we how wait let me ask you something how the fuck are you being discovered now where has he been where have you been you know where is he you know what literally like, where is he? By the way, this is how I feel. Epstein Island.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't talk to him. He knows too much.
Epstein Spider. Yeah, he knows everything.
Hillary will have him killed soon. Like this guy.
Where have you been, son? Where have you been, dog? You know what's interesting? This is kind of how we feel in the business. They discover us and we've been around.
Right.

We're like that spider.

We've been around.

Right.

And they're like, how come we haven't seen you?

It's like, we've been here.

Yeah.

Thousands of species are found every single year.

It's incredible.

It's mind boggling.

Who's here?

Francisco Ramos!

In the blue chair.

What's up?

We do need intro music.

Is that me is that for me what well it's not for bobby why are you looking at me like this bobby welcome that's my welcoming face this this is okay welcome to the program am i am i in trouble is this like a scare straight kind of thing? No, he's a serious analyst. Sometimes he gets real serious.
This shows like Dateline. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay, what are we gonna talk about? I'm Frankie Copperfield.
Go on, Frank. Ted Koppel.
Say hello to our guest. Hello.
Welcome. Thank you.
How you guys doing? Your bad friend line. Noah, hi.
How are you you francisco how long have i known you uh for a very long time 12 years or something like that when i started working at the comedy store that was 12 years ago i think so or 14 years ago you you and i've always had a little bit combative relationship why is that yeah i don't know yeah you do no idea i don't know why why do you do why you do what you do what i do what i do have a combative relationship that's my thing it has it cut it what there was a while there it boiled down to chelsea fc okay yeah yeah yeah and he would always rip on arsenal because we never did well yeah and it's very interesting to me because in the last couple years you haven't said shit about chelsea interesting well because they've been sucking i know that's why so where's your all talk now friend but where's your big talk now okay but is that because i thought it was like that's a riff in between you know when you play sports but it's nothing personal yeah you make it personal yeah like you used to come up behind me put me in a headlock what yeah arsenal sucks baby damn did you do that no i think yeah yeah yeah i never put you in a headlock yeah like ian edwards what does he like he likes uh man you right yeah very cordial yeah you know in fact well but that's how he is stop uh thanks for coming welcome to this program thank you welcome to the world god god bless you all right but what i'm saying is that he's very And when Arsenal doing well

He gives props

You don't give props

So from now on maybe

Give some props

You're a Chelsea fan?

I am a Chelsea fan

In England

But in the Spanish

Barcelona

You're Barcelona?

Yeah.

What are you?

Are you Barcelona?

You are?

Yeah.

Nice.

Even though we suck right now.

Yeah.

Here's another thing.

A couple of times, if I booked a job, you would say something condescending.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember.

Wow.

Yeah, man.

One time, I think it was either splitting up together or something.

And you go, you're on that? I go, yeah, you go. Well, it should get canceled soon or something like that.
And I was like, hmm, that Francisco Ramos wants a war. Does that sound like Francisco? No.
Well, I don't know how to do the accent. Go ahead.
Try. Yeah, do it.
Yeah, do it. No.
Just do a sentence. Let me see if I can.
Say, that's going to get canceled soon. That's going to get canceled soon.
That's going to get canceled soon. Pretty good.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
That's really good. That's really good.
Wow. See, I'm like a mimic.
But you keep lowering your identity. I know.
What part of Spain are you from? I'm not from Spain. You're not Spanish? He's Portuguese.
No. You're Argentinian.
No. Let's guess.
Is this a guess? You're from Portugal. No.
You're from- Wait, let's start basic. Okay.
There is Spanish in you. No, he's Mexican.
Well, there is like a Latin. Yes, there is.
There is Latin in you. He's South American.
South American. Oh, let's get set.
Do you know what it is? Argentinian. Colombia.
No. No.
Peru. No.
Well, Brazil. No.
Okay. Wow, it's narrowing down.
Uruguay.

Chile.

Chile.

No.

Uruguay.

No.

Fuck.

Which one are there?

Panamania.

That's Central America, but nope.

No.

See, that's the tone I was talking about. No, no, I said.

Did you see that?

That's the tone I'm talking about.

I didn't say Panama.

I saw it.

I didn't say Panama.

I said Panamania.

Okay, that's good.

Panamania is a city outside of Brazil.

That's true.

You should know that.

Wait, wait, wait. Bring up.
I'm fucking mad. Venezuela.
I do do know that you are venezuela and i know that that's what's so annoying yeah you're venezuela does venezuela not have a team did they have a soccer team in venezuela they i mean like a national team yeah but they suck they all suck were you raised there i was there until i was 12 i moved there to dc to maryland when i was yeah he this accent comes from Maryland. Yes.
Maryland It's a Baltimore accent Have you seen The Wire? That's how they stuck When you were 12 you moved And they say that you keep your accent If it's right around puberty That's when I started getting hairs When you were 12 When you start to develop That's how you keep. That's why, because when you guys came here from Korea, you were so young.

Yeah, you were. How long were you? How old were you?

When did you move here from Korea? Born here.

Oh, you're American. American.
Like fully American.

Threw through, dude. Because I'm American too, but I'm national.

I get it. Listen to your accent.
God damn it, man.

Do you have two passports? Okay. I have two passports.

It's great. Yeah.
You do. Is Venezuela dangerous? Right now it is yeah yeah i mean it's it's it's kind of it's about to like it's in that right now it's like what happened was there was an election like a week ago and obviously the opposition that was running one but the guy maduro yeah but this guy doesn't want to give it away so we have that we do that yeah so i think it's like i don't know if you guys get this but it's a guy that doesn't want to give it away.
We do that here. Yeah, so I think it's like, I don't know if you guys get this, but it's a guy that doesn't want to give it away, and the other side is a cheater.
Is he kind of like a Trump guy to you guys? Yeah, pretty much. Wow.
So they all follow suit. Yeah.
Trump knows exactly what it did. Isn't that so funny? They all do the same thing.
He's like, no, I didn't lose. Exactly.
Yeah. Then Maduro is like, no, I didn't lose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all just follow suit.
No perdi. That's so genius.
It's genius. Yeah, but the problem is this guy's got the army on him.
This is why, actually, I do agree as an American to have the Second Amendment. You should be able to have guns.
Yeah. Here we go.
Especially assault rifles. And look at the stupid Spaniard.
Wow. You know, why'd you shake your head no your head no spaniard is that because you guys have been pushed out of all this uh international reign that you had for so long indeed right yeah that's your that's your fault you guys did so much international damage and then people stopped you and now you're like okay nobody gets guns now you want nobody to have guns peace right peace now after you fucked everything up for years yeah colonize us.
Yeah move yeah after you did all the damage then you're like guys can we not anymore no we want guns to protect ourselves from people like you so you stole all our gold and women yes whoa no he did the gold valid concern yeah where is all of their gold fancy yeah where is all the venezuelan gold i think we've lost a lot of it you've given it away yeah these guys they parted away all the gold they stole with a lot of paella eating you're still married you're still married huh i'm i it's gonna be a year that i got married congratulations thank you a beautiful wife by the way to american north carolina that's right yeah she's very sweet and smart you've always been a sexy man no you said it you've always been an attractive you have a good look you have Ricky Ricardo you get that all the time can I be your Lucy is this Ricky Ricardo can I be your Lucy Lucy I'm home do you know Lucy yeah I love Lucy yeah I'm a redhead yeah catch up okay alright so I'm a little behind come on yeah what are you doing that would be a great but let's modern night yeah a new Lucy Lucy's trans yeah right Lucy where's your dick wow Wow. That's the opening scene.
Wow, I'm going to write this down. Instead of the chocolate factor, it's just dildos.
It's just all dildos getting replaced. Who's the neighbor in Lucy? Fred.
Fred and Ethel. Fred and Ethel.
Oh, yeah, you're Ethel. You're Ethel.
Oh, I have to be Ethel. Yeah, because it's also...
It's the modern. Oh, it's modern.
We're trans, so you're Ethel and I'm... I don't know what Ethel sounds like.
Let me see if I can do it. Losay! Losay! There it is.
Losay! That's great. I want to do more right.
It's like British. Where's Ricky? Now watch this.
Do your British accent. Hello, there.
Oh, wow. But that's a little Liverpool.
Oh, right. He knows.
Oh, you know specifics? He really does. Come on, guy.
Top of the money. Oh, my God.
Wait, stop, stop, stop. What the fuck was that? Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Wait, wait, stop. We thought my English accent was bad.
He just topped it Wow That was By the way He did an English accent With an Irish phrase That was so sad Top up there, my name Wow, wow Let me hear it one more time Close our eyes Close our eyes You and I, right? We're in Liverpool. Oh, I see it now.
There's a bakery. Liverpool.
Yeah. Liverpool.
Oh, no. Here comes beans on toast.
Hello, mate. You all right? Hello, chaps.
You're top of the... We're both blind.
Let's say we're both blind. Are we in Cleveland? Who's that? Who goes there? Who goes there? Who's that? You want some bean and toast? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That is so bad, right? That was so bad, yeah.
Honestly. So is my wife right? Since you have a Venezuelan accent, let's go through the office.
What are you going to say? Can you do? What? I thought you were going to say something else. Yeah, yeah.
Can you do other accents? Can you do Italian? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.
How are you? Okay. All right, that's pretty good.
That's actually pretty good. That's pretty good.
How about German? Yeah. No, I don't know.
Okay. All right.
Good try. That's okay.
I got to hear. I got to hear.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me hear you do French.
Oh, he speaks a little bit. You speak it.
Not really. Not really.
A little bit. That was a little bit.
He said, hi, I'm Am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, really? Yeah, I just say the phrases that I know. So you have a special coming out? Is that what it is? Yeah, it's out right now on YouTube right now.
It's called Venezuelan American. Put it up.
YouTube. And where'd you shoot it? It's actually a Brad Garrett's comedy club.
In Vegas?

In Vegas, yeah.

You shot in Vegas?

Yes.

Interesting choice.

Why Vegas?

Well, the thing is like Brad wanted to do like little specials to then put it on his kind

of website kind of club thing, but it didn't work out.

But then he was very kind and gave us his specials.

So he's like, hey, you can do whatever you want.

I love Brad Garrett.

Yeah, he's great.

He's one of the nicest, coolest dudes I've met.

So nice, so great. Does he live there? No, he lives in LA, but he goes back and forth.
I've never met him. Oh, he's amazing.
Seriously? Never met Brad Garrett. Wow.
Great, great, great. He came out.
That looks good. Yeah, no, it shot really well.
It shot well, yeah. Who did it? Who shot it? Michael Malone is a director.
And then it was shot by them. I mean, they are...
But was it 800 pound that puts this out? I know.

After it was done, then I contacted 800 pound.

Good.

Because then to be like, hey, can you put it on?

And, you know.

Is there an audience shot or is this like this?

I thought you...

No, there's some audience shots.

I thought you just said, is there an audience, period?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you...

Is there an audience listening to this thing?

There was nobody.

It's just me.

Just you and Brad Garrett's club alone.

Yeah.

He was just sitting in front.

I can't hear it.

That's why it's like...

Did Brad...

Why is he the heads?

Did Brad do some time to open the show? Yeah, he did. So if you you don't know I don't know if you know this but when Brad does his club yeah he you split time with him like you co-headline like if you headline you do like 10 minutes because he goes up first and does like 30 minutes of crowd work and then you go on then the feature no the feature comes and does like 5 minutes and then he goes up and does another 30 minutes and then you go up and you do like the rest which is like 10 or 15 so you have to split the stage with him when you do his club at vague in vegas and he does all cry work every weekend like every 80s like almost every night is right isn't every weekend so if i headline there he's gonna go i'm gonna do all this no wait i mean he's like sometimes it's when he's available he goes but he's there a lot Yeah, yeah.
What's a cool thing you do to open up your club? It's his club. Yeah, yeah.
Do whatever he wants. And he brings, I mean, the crowd too.
It's not like people are coming to see him. Oh, so does he promote that he's going to be there too? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, so he's going to pack the room up. Yeah, so he packs it up.
So what he's doing, he's doing his service to comics. That's great.
Yeah. What a great service.
Yeah, if younger comics that go do the room, he's like, I'm going to help pack the audience so they get a better viewpoint of someone they may not know which is a fucking huge that's a big that's a big gift were you nervous there or no no I wasn't as a performing you look great I was before is what I'm saying no I mean I already done that club it was kind of like you know it was a whole week so this was like I think think a friday or saturday so i was already getting how many how many did you film uh i think it was uh two two nights like friday and saturday four shows two nights and it's just in one show one show one friday and you were the same clothes obviously yes underwear he's wearing a black t-shirt let's get down to the nitty-gritty people should watch this special go on youtube and watch but let's get down to the real business heregritty. People should watch this special.
Go on YouTube and watch it,

but let's get down

to the real business here.

Israel-Palestine, bud.

Top of the morning.

Top of the morning, too, yeah?

Peace, peace, peace.

Peace and love.

Yeah.

You also, you know,

do you act at all?

I do.

You're like,

you're good-looking God.

I've been on Shameless.

I've been on, you know.

Yeah, he works.

That's great.

No, I know that.

You know,

I just haven't gotten

the big part,

but I am going to be

in a movie that's going

to come out hopefully

this year called

Thank you. You're a good looking guy.
I've been on Shameless. I've been on, you know.
Yeah, he works. That's great.
I know that. You know, I just haven't gotten the big part.
But I am going to be in a movie that's going to come out hopefully this year called The Unexpected that we shot last year. Who's in it? It's Matt Walsh.
I love Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh.
I love Matt Walsh. He's a great guy.
Talented guy. So funny.
Yeah, yeah. Great guy.
All right, let me ask you about this Fitbit. Is this a Fitbit? Yes, it is.
Now, do you really i do use it you do it's great because uh it's to count calories pretty much so it's like whatever my aunt you count calories for real i mean now i know like in terms of like i know like what i'm if i spend 15 000 calories during a day i'm like oh i can eat you know 2 000 because you've always been in good shape so i'm surprised to see you with one of those i figured you were just a guy that has always been in shape and eats healthy and no but this actually helped me to kind of like be like okay how much if i if it's a day that i'm not spending too much calories then i don't eat that much have you ever been fat uh when i was little you were a little fat kid yeah a little fat kid i was i was nerdy too like i had like glasses and like i had the little strings on the glass so like that you look like look like that. You used to look like that.
Oh, my God. It was exactly like that.
You were a little fat glasses Spanish boy when you were young? But you evolved. I evolved.
You stayed. Yeah.
I was like an ugly duckling. Bingo.
The story. Yeah.
I became... No, it actually happened in high school.
I remember in high school. You were an ugly ducking? Duckling? I'm sorry.
Do it again. Can I get that line again? Try it again.
You were an ugly ducking Duckling I'm sorry Do it again Can I get that line again Try it again You were an ugly ducking Duckling How's duck hard for you guys to say What Isn't that like a part of your culture Duckling Yeah What do you mean Yeah duck Duck is so big In China Not in Korea Dumpling for you Yeah duck Duck dumpling Oh duck dumpling Yeah you're right Wow you know that Yes They good. Duck Dumplings are one of my favorite things.
Duck Dumplings, that's the best. That's right.
Din Tai Fung. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've eaten it together.
I know. I love it.
Thank you so much. So ask the Ugly Duckling again.
Go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever, you were an Ugly Duckling? I was an Ugly Duckling. Wow, how ugly? Like him.
Yeah, okay. That ugly? Wow.
Wow. No, but you know in those teen movies, it's like when the girl's like, she That ugly? Wow.
Wow. But you know, like, you know,

in those like teen movies is like,

you know,

when the girls like,

she's ugly,

but she's not like,

as soon as they take the glasses off,

I'm like,

that was me.

Yeah,

you weren't that ugly.

Like it wasn't like,

as soon as I took,

cause I had like the thick,

cause I'm blind.

I was,

I had LASIK

cause I had minus 11

in each house.

Minus 11?

I was completely blind.

Are you wearing contacts now? No, I got LASIK. So now they're perfectly fine.
I'm 20-20. Wow.
Until they fail. Right, Andrew? Oh, sorry.
Good joke. Good joke.
No, but I was completely blind to the point where I was like, if I lost my glasses, I couldn't literally see nothing. Wow.
I would just see like a fake. You weren't afraid of LASIK? LASIK freaks me out so much.
No, I recommend it 100%. They peel back your eye.
Yeah. It's great.
Have you ever seen Google Image of LASIK? It's the weirdest thing. It's so good.
I mean, I remember when I did it, I woke up. It was like I was like a newborn.
Did they put you out? No. You do it? No.
It's just all like you feel it. You feel them.
Oh, my God. A laser in your eyeball.
But it's kind of like you're going. No, they cut a layer.
They cut your eye. No, but that's like old school.
I don't know what that is. This guy was like that.
Yeah, that was Francisco. Yeah, they do do that.
What is it? A clockwork orange? Yeah, pretty much. Lito Velocet.
Imagine in the middle of that getting LASIK. He just goes, Put him out.
Put him out. No, I recommend that.
I mean, I recommend that if you if you actually are really have a high look at problem if you have like a little bit just stick to class but what are the odds that people because they do say people go blind from this right or it permanently fucks up your vision I mean that's it's like it's like the like very like the exception is like give me the odds give me the odds all right what are the odds less than 1% less than 1% extremely rare for the surgery oh yeah that's a good gamble that's really good that's like the vaccine thing yeah god that's crazy why do they get so good i remember years ago it wasn't that good no of course no now it's like nothing pure 100 you have a child i have not no children you don't want any no i do yeah i mean i think i eventually do i mean my my wife is younger than me, so it's like. His wife's only 57.

Yes.

So they've got some time.

Yeah, she's doing LASIK right now.

And what do you live?

You live in LA, right?

Because you're at the store.

You live in LA?

Yeah.

We've known him for 15 years.

I know.

I didn't know Matt Reif lived in Long Island.

Well, that's because when he got big, when he got money.

Or Rhode Island?

When he got rich, he did that. Yeah.
Hey, if I get rich, I'm not living here. Oh, where are you going to go then? Ireland.
No, where are you going to go? Fit right in. No, I would like, I like staying here, but I definitely like Europe, you know, something like in Italy.
Yeah, you stay here, dude. No, I like LA.
I love LA. LA's the best.
I love LA. Why do people dog on LA, man? I love LA.
Well, it's easy to hate on because it gets a lot of it gets a lot of attention anything gets a lot of attention it's like that popular guy or girl in school right it's like somebody going you know oh Taylor Swift I don't know I don't really like that it's like alright well cause everybody talks about it so people don't wanna hear it cause sometimes I have people from the midwest I fly them out here just friends and I had done that before yeah and they go oh this is la again what'd you think it was yeah i think they think it's all hollywood well it's also they see like the the the bad parts of la like like three blocks of skid row that's what you see it's like you were not staying there yeah yeah yeah no not but with him and he lives the fancy life yeah that's true you live the fancier life please don't get me fucking started pal don't even do it to me i like i like that so on youtube you can check this out yeah yeah yes and then um everyone listening to this podcast he's an old friend of ours very funny we love him to death yeah no thank you for having me are you crazy dude you guys are great thank you so much even though... And can we just...
Whatever we had?

No.

Okay.

No, I think you guys should continue this weird beef.

I kind of like it.

It's not a beef.

It's what it...

I thought it was just we were making fun of each other.

No, we are.

We are.

But it is...

I think it's one of those situations where it's like...

You know, if we were in a platoon, right?

Like in Vietnam?

Like Vietnam.

Here we are. We're in the...
We're in the... So are're in the same army what's it called in the dog hole or whatever yeah no what foxhole foxhole fox yeah yeah yeah get down bob why are you making those funny noses with your mouth no i don't know when you do that the enemy can hear oh sorry i'm sorry You keep going Yeah I'm sorry It's the same Like there's no one around Who's this guy Is this new Is this guy new Hey guys I got transferred Emmanuel hey Emmanuel What's it Are you a good shot Can you shoot Oh yeah I'm a sniper That's why I'm here Oh wow Good thank god You are Yeah Why do you have a machete Yeah what is that for Well you guys were supposed to Provide me with a sniper I forgot the gun I forgot the gun I forgot the gun I mean I always carry The sniper would bring their own gun I said I would bring it for him The machete is just for me What? Machete is just for me It's not even a gun Oh shit Wow I think it's just I think it's just rain

That's rain

What?

That's rain

Oh it's rain

It's rain

Oh that's what rain

We haven't drank it

So I need

Hey Francisco

Yes

We're gonna need you

To do us a favor

Yeah

Okay

So you know the enemy?

Yeah

Charlie

Get the enemy

Charlie

No no no no

It's Charles

It's PC now

We have to say Charles

Okay Charles

No he's the type of guy

He's the type of guy

Yeah

That he's gonna go

So, let's go. Get the enemy Charlie No no no no It's Charles It's PC now We have to say Charles Okay Charles No he's the type of guy He's the type of guy Yeah That he's gonna go Hey I mean same tone Yeah Hey Chang Cause Vietnam War Go over there I go over there He shoots me And then he goes I thought he was the enemy Because of this I think that's what you are But I would shoot you in the leg As a joke Right as, as a bit.
As a bit. And I don't think that if I got shot, you would do a Forrest Gump with me.
Oh, like, no. I mean, Bubba? You would? Like Bubba.
No, Bubba, Forrest Gump, he carry everybody out, right? Yeah, he carry. I don't think you would carry me out.
I mean. Too heavy.
Yeah. Okay, all right.
He's strong. Dude, very good.
No, I would... You know, I was there when the...
You know, in the comedy store when there was like somebody... The guy that got shot? Oh, so you were the guy? No, I was exact.
I was like literally like right here, the guy. And I turn around and I see the guy shooting him.
I was there that night, but I was inside and I had heard it go down. But I...
It was so surreal because I wasn't out front that when I heard it, I thought it was a lie, even though I know it was real. Yeah.
Like we heard it. But I saved the girl and I pushed them down.
Shut up. Yeah.
You're an American hero. Yeah.
So for people that don't know, a gang member came on the comedy store patio years ago and went right up to a guy and shot- Point blank. Point blank.
How many years ago was this? The original. No, no, in the patio.
In the patio, yeah, but it's in front of the... In the outside bar there in 2015.
Exactly. A gang member ran up on the patio, Point Blank, shot a guy in the chest.
How many people were in the patio right now? It was pretty... It was like maybe like 25, 30 people.
Oh my God.. Yeah.
And then, because I was on the road or something.

I didn't miss it.

So then you saw the man got shot.

I saw that.

I turned around.

I see the guy shooting because it didn't even sound like a gun.

It sounded like firecrack.

You know, I was like, Papa. I, you know, reacted through the people that were with me.

And I just, and I thought it was one of those serial killers.

It was going to basically shoot.

One of those famous comedy store, comedy club serial killers?

I don't know.

Open mic. Open mic.
Just randomly shoot. Okay, go ahead.
That came back like tommy they didn't pass me or something all right right you still you still are down with the second amendment now all of them shot at yeah and then so when you saw that i heard josh nasser held his body that's true yeah he held yeah he did i don't know why are you laughing at that dude i don't know wait he what no he did he did yeah yeah he what? No, he did. He did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that got shot? Yeah, so the guy got shot and Josh Nassar.
Was he making a TikTok? Yeah. Yeah, rest in peace.
Hey, man, you look so good, dude. Dude, dude, it's so dark.
That's so dark. We're just joking.
So you saw Josh hold the guy's body? Yeah, no, he hold him like- Was there like rubbing his head like he was in the stairs so it's kind of like like like come on like like come on like he was trying to kind of shake those bullets out of him wow yeah yeah crazy that is crazy go to the google image of it yeah because he shot him point blank that's nuts that's insane well the good thing was and i go to the first image i to say this, but I'm glad that he didn't shoot anybody else. No, that's what I, yeah.
It's so funny to have your car trapped in the parking lot after a shooting. Don Barris' car, he just can't move it.
Yeah, yeah. Were you in the parking lot? I don't know.
No, no, I was in the back of the comedy store. Yeah, but your car was in the parking lot.
No, that was back when I lived in the neighborhood. I used to walk.
Oh, wow. So I was in the, what's wrong with me? Sacred Ground.
I was in the back. I was by Sacred Ground in our, look at this.
My name is on the fucking. Yeah.
Both of our names are there. Oh, wow.
No, Zoom in, Zoom in. My name's not up there.
Yes, it is. Yeah, Bobby Lee right there.
Who is it? Jeff Ross, Bobby Lee, and Santino. Jeff Ross, you and Kirk Fox.
And Kirk Fox. Holy shit.
You know how I know. So, okay.
I wasn't out of town. This is proof.
But he was late, so you probably left. I was on the road.
I wasn't. Wait a minute.
Was I there? That night. That's how like.
Hey, that's right. As much as he cancels spots, he was probably not there.
Yeah, that's right. I cancels spots.
Because I would remember you being there that night. You weren't there that night.
I don't want to play conspiracy theories, but maybe. Francis, were you? Did you? Maybe it was the perfect alibi i was out of town i always cancel spots yeah or it could have been could have been kirk fox he was also ever catch the guy no they did i think they did oh they did because he was like crazy it was crazy it's like it was a gang thing related apparently the guy from i I think Detroit or somewhere like that and like the guy,

like he traveled,

like he was here visiting and that's why he was-

He traveled to kill him.

Go back to the very first image.

I actually want that printed out

and hung up in the studio.

Can you?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a beautiful image

of a murder with our names

on the marquee, bud.

I mean, that's history right there.

That's history right there.

Well, everyone,

please go watch this video.

Go watch YouTube.

Thank you.

Francisco, thank you for-

Oh, so what's your handles?

Oh, yeah.

F Ramos Comedy on Instagram. F Ramos Comedy.
Framos Comedy. Framos Comedy.
please go watch this go watch thank you Francisco thank you oh so what's your handles is all you want oh yeah framos comedy

on instagram

framos comedy

framos comedy

framos comedy

go see our boy

give it up for

Francisco

thank you

thank you

thank you for having me

everybody

come over here

Carlos will

Carlos will escort you out

you fucking dumb slut

I love you doggy

thank you

you're the fucking man

dude killed it

I love you

what the fuck dude

what are you guys doing

Bill

I was right next door

Thank you. slut i love you doggy you're the fucking man dude killed it i love you what the fuck dude what are you guys doing bill i was right next door what the fuck are you doing are you being real i didn't fucking do this yeah who did this go that one blue the blue can you do the blue that's fine that's fine okay fine.
Okay. Bobby Lee, this is your life.
Wait, wait. Did you know Bill was coming? No, I was upstairs.
I was editing my next- Special? Stupid special. Yeah.
You know, his editing suite is right here. Oh, it is? Neil Brennan was up there.
Oh, wow, wow, wow. I didn't know.
Yeah. This is like, what the fuck am I doing here Wow Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen

The great Bill Burr

Can I tell you something

Yeah yeah yeah

How many times

Every fucking night

We see each other at the store

And now you're acting

And we'll be acting like

We don't live in the same city

Like oh my god

Like I came in from

Fucking New Zealand

It's the last person

I ever expected

To come into the fucking

Studio

Alright do it one more time

But not as long

I just came

Yeah yeah yeah

I just came in

I thought they were on TV

I was like wow

Thank you. the studio.
All right, do it one more time, but not as long. I just came in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just came in.
I thought they were on TV. I was like, wow, that's fucking HD nine or something.
That's so fucking clear. Wow.
Well, I didn't want to interrupt you guys. I know that you guys have like a, you guys have a close personal bond.
Yeah. We're so joyous that you're here.
What are you talking about? How happy to, you blushed. I did.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know, know because I saw him walk in and I thought is this a bit that these guys set up oh I see somebody just said you just missed Bobby Lee so I was like looking in I was looking for your car the first thing I was looking for was a bumper hanging off the fucking thing but I don't see his car here the perpetuation the stereotype is real. Bobby got in an accident the first month he had the car,

and then now again.

Yesterday, yeah.

Yesterday.

Yeah, but it has nothing to do with Asians.

It just has to do, he doesn't care.

Dude, that's serious.

Thank you so much for saying that.

I know.

That's what it is. Is that the race?

I don't want to bring my people down.

No, it isn't.

It's because I don't give a shit.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it just so happens you got into two car accidents within a month. Yeah, okay.
I know, but does that offset Tokyo Drift? Yeah, no, yeah. Probably not.
Yeah, probably not. One Bobby Lee erases all of these fucking guys.
Yeah. I'll say this one thing and I'll let you guys get back because I'm sure you guys had an agenda.
No, we didn't. No, no, dude, what are you talking about, Bill? Yeah, nothing.
Yeah, what are you editing? Your special? Yes. special yes okay congratulations do we have a name for the special uh i i don't know yet i'm i'm working on it but that was just absolute hell for four fucking hours and i and i am who the fuck wants to watch themselves for an hour yeah for four hours it was horrible it was fucking horrible i'm gonna go up there i i got i got the you know so now now uh you know we've got we all the i think i gotta go in tomorrow and then i'm done where'd you shoot it uh i shot it in seattle look at us fucking doing this little promo thing yeah it works i feel like one of these younger comics how they just fucking know how to like promote the shit out of this stuff they're amazing well let's talk about it because i part of the reason i signed up uh hulu is because of you oh okay well because hulu brought over people from netflix and they were like i can't shake this guy yeah i keep following the reason why i went over to netflix is because the head guys over this told me there's not enough room for two gingers on one streaming platform and we're going with the younger cuter one yeah yeah when you go they like when you guys see each other is there an extra bond yeah well there's a that we have a uh the sadness yeah we've had the same kind of pain yeah a similar pain through line yeah but bill were you bullied growing up or no yes oh i didn't know yeah every everything i i was sort of in the middle like i bullied some kids and then i was bullied and then i hit puberty late so then that was the end of my fighting i was 17 when i got my first hair how old were you oh jesus christ i didn't i didn't have a diary oh you did i wasn't 17 oh wow because when i got my first hair it was we celebrated it was a big deal yeah we got a cake everything what about under the arm though you still don't have a lot of armpits no no i still have some look just a oh there's a cute oh okay yeah but i remember the first hair i think it's still there you still got it yeah even when i shave it i keep that one bobby's starting to look like one of those old career gamblers what that's a good thing yeah it's a great thing yeah you got you got that if you didn't have the scorpions thing on this there's something you're like phil lock you're like one of these guys yeah like that guy oh that guy yeah wow that guy knows pie gow you know what i don't know what the name of the clip is but one of my favorite ones i ever saw and then i'm gonna leave i'm no don't that's gonna be the bit i'm please don't leave and then i'm gonna leave okay was i was watching this world series of poker and this guy fucking goes all in and you know when they go all in they start walking around like here be the bit.
Please don't leave. And then I'm going to leave.
Okay. I was watching this World Series of Poker, and this guy fucking goes all in.
And you know when they go all in, they start walking around? Like, here comes the river. And it was like he had a 98% chance of, I don't know, poker.
And then all of a sudden, the flop came, and then it fucking went down to like 7%. But he didn't know.
And then the last thing hit, and he fucking lost. And the guy literally just goes, ah, yeah yeah and he fucking just stormed off and sat there was this little two-step thing to where the crowd was he sat down on those stairs and he put his hand like that and he cried for like 15 seconds yeah and then he just collected himself and was like all right and just moved on it was like it was How much money was it, do you think? Millions.
Yeah, it was like, and he got totally, there was no way, what do they call it? A bad beat. There was no fucking way he should have lost it.
And he did. And he went, ah, yeah.
He sat down for like 15 seconds. You're not a gambler, are you? Nah, I just don't, I don't, I don't have the patience for it.
And I just, also, I just, I get it. I get it.
you're not you're not you're not a gambler are you no i just don't uh i i don't i don't have the patience for it and i just also i just i get it i get it you're you're winning and i'm losing like why why would i do this but we get our dopamine hits from other things what do you get your dopamine hits from what's your what uh learning new shit and what it really is it's not a dopamine thing it st staves off my depression. So that's what I've learned.

Like I stay out of the, when I get free time, nothing makes me sadder than free time.

And just sitting there thinking about life, shit that happened to me, it just makes me sad.

So I'll literally like, you know, the usual bullshit, go to the gyms, play drums or something like that.

But learning something new because I don't know what I'm doing and I have to like listen to that makes me not think about other shit. Can you give us some new shit that you've learned? Give us some new shit.
I'll tell you, I rode a fucking Harley Davidson Road Glide the other day up in Santa Maria. And I've never ridden one.
I was always intimidated because it was so fucking big. I've ridden smaller ones.
Yeah. And it was one of the fucking, do you remember in Ferris Bueller's day off when they were going over the hill? Yeah.
Yeah. The Ferrari, it was like- The valets, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like we rode through the hills and everything.
And first of all, it's a fucking, the scariest thing is going slow on them and stopping because it's like, oh my God, is this thing going to tip up? Once you get going, it's a Cadillac. They had that big, what do they call it? The you know your neck doesn't hurt you just cruising so we took us up into the mountains and there was literally nobody on the road we went down one street and there was all of these trees just on one side and the trees were curling over like you was surfing in like a tube except you want a bike right it was amazing and then we came out of the valley and uh me and dean delray we switched bike i got on the the sports glide he got on mine and then the guy took us through and then they knew i was comfortable they started tearing down the fucking like the valley like mountains are coming up like that so you know i kicked it up two three times whatever so i thought i was doing like fucking 55 60 i looked down i was doing 90 wow and i was just wow dude that that yeah that was that was like uh you know the adrenaline thing to the heart that lasted like a week I couldn't stop fucking thinking about it do you have a bike? yeah I got a little one I got a little Royal Enfield can I tell you guys what I learned? but I don't drive around in LA streets can i tell you guys what i learned or can i can you not can you talk the whole show he learned something i learned something listen let let asian bobby kelly say something forget it you know no no i want to hear it supportive environment go ahead all right so i'm going to tell you i mean so stardew valley right it's a video game i play See already dude I want to hear it.
It's a supportive environment. Go ahead.
All right, so I'm going to tell you. I mean, so Stardew Valley, right? It's a video game I play.
See, already, dude, I don't like that. Because it's not entertaining.
Go ahead. Well, I'm just telling you something I learned.
You know, I've been playing that game for years, right? So you can go to Robin's carpenter shop and actually move the greenhouse. It doesn't have to, because, you know, I've always built around the greenhouse.
Like, oh, my God, there's not enough space. But you actually can you actually can move it like next to your house is that one of those games where you're building a village and then you fight other villages there's no fighting in that way Bill so nice try I'm just asking it sounded interesting to me yeah yeah and I understand that response because I've done nothing but give you shit for 20 years thank you thank you I get it like, no, it's a farming game.
Is it more exciting than the giant melons? Bill, would you get one of those big bikes? Would you ever want to invest in one of those big Harleys or no? 100%. So this is the next move.
It was, yeah. I'm going to do the gingered wild hogs.
Please. Totally.
Please put me in. The midlife crisis.
No, it's one of those things just like uh you know i just feel as an american at some point you have to ride one of those big those big bikes just do it one even if you just do it one fucking time it was it was like i would never like i don't ride around here like i'm always in like the middle of nowhere like you know in Weado we went up in boulder went to the rockies a little bit and it's just just stay away from people but like uh i had a bike out here for about six weeks about 10 years ago and the level of texting it was like everybody was like had like three beers in them so there was just all of this drifting and it was uh it was fucking terrifying so uh i remember like i never pray but i literally i was all the way out in uh somewhere on the near the beaches or whatever and i said a prayer i said god if you get me home i swear to god i'm never riding this again and i'm gonna sell it and i did and then i uh i fucked up like an addict i rode one when i was in um I was in austin and the moto gp race was there that's the formula one of bike racing i fucking love that shit and they had this thing on saturday where like the dads you know all the dads could go there and they called it the victory lap and i had not ridden a bike in like 10 years so i said i think i want to be in the back i want it because it was like i felt it was 100 guys i was like i want to be in the back i want to be in the back because i don't want to be going fast or anything and they said no dude you want to be in the front you want to be in the front because we're going to be going like 25 30 miles an hour 40 maybe on a straighter way but those guys in the back they wait they wait like two minutes and they wait and then those guys you know the guys get the full fucking leathers on so i said all right good so anyway i did that and i was so thrilled that i still remembered how to do it and then it just it just it's back it's just yeah it's it have you ever ridden a bike never have oh my god but i've ridden like a bike a bike no not a bicycle bud okay okay a bike a bike yeah that's that's what i guess like you know like what I mean? Like a standard bike-bike. Bike-a-bicle.
No, no, like the balancing kind. Do you have a tan? Oh, my God.
Do I have a tan? Yeah, yeah. You look tanner.
Do you do somewhere tropical? No. Okay.
You have a nice tan. Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Thank you, Bobby.
That's very nice of you. Yeah.
Bobby, this is our new relationship. I don't like it.
Why don't you like it? I fucking hate it He's so nice to me You've been so nice to me The last couple of years I was always nice to you I just did it in a dysfunctional way Yeah yeah yeah I always trashed you Because I loved you I love you too Now I can look Sort of in your eyes It's a difficult thing to do Yeah yeah yeah To try to see them I mean you really uh you are like extra asian there you go there we go white eyes we call it white eyes yeah yeah this is how this is i don't know if this is maybe a a thing with our skin tone and hair but i've seen you have clothes that i also have and i'm like is that because we have that thing that we pick our limited color palette yeah well those shoes i have those exact fucking shoes i don't know anybody that has those shoes you know what i love about uh new balance is people go oh that's an old white guy sneaker it's like well yeah i'm an old white guy right like i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing but you you but you fitz simmons and you guys all have the same kind of attire is it a redheaded thing well to go to patagonia is not a redhead not a redhead fitz

simmons is a redhead no he's not no he's not he's not one of your tribe no he never had when he did have hair was dark he had brown hair i think when he grew a goat goatee he might have had red in his beard a little bit but look he had dark hair when he was young oh look at that face though it's so pink i know i'm surprised yeah yeah i mean that's what i'm looking at yeah yeah what are you doing Why are you making fun of other people?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

What if I can bully too, dude?

I... pink i know i'm surprised yeah yeah i mean that's what i'm looking at yeah what are you doing why are you making fun of other people what do you mean what about i can bully too dude i can look at somebody's phone and go they're pink no but i mean just the messenger it's just yeah it's throwing me you know and it's so funny that you say that mr burr because i'm going to say this right i've i've gotten gained some confidence over the years and i think i'm very good looking.
So how long? You know what I would love to do?

I would love to take a Sharpie and color in the skin

between the mustache and whatever the fuck that is on your chin.

All right.

I do have to go.

Oh, you don't have to go.

I love you.

Please stay.

We love you, Bill.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, and I have positive feelings about you guys.

Yeah.

All right, that's it.

You know what I liked?

That was a soft, what do they call it?

A soft opening of my special.

Oh, here you go.

Give him a big hug.

I mean, you're trying.

This is like you went to wardrobe.

You went to wardrobe.

Give him a big hug, Bill.

Will you please?

I always wanted to know,

what is that Notary Republic stamp tattoo

that you have on your forearm?

What is that?

This one. Oh, God.
This is a bad one. Yeah, why did you do that to yourself? I know.
At what point do you just say, I gotta lose this? Dude, that is third trimester. Give him a big hug.
All right, I love you. Thank you, Bill.
Are you afraid of another ginger? Come on, bring it in there. What a surprise.
Bill Burr, everybody. Give him a round of applause.
Bill Burr. What a surprise, dude.
Bill Burr. What a great surprise.
What a great surprise. Who's this next bitch that's coming in? You might remember her.
Dude, that was crazy. Look at this fucking little beautiful specimen that we spawned on this show.
Oh, my God. Do you see this little specimen popped in there He's like is Bobby here? Yeah they're recording but you could probably just walk right in God it's crazy Let's talk about our beautiful little specimen That came back to the show Can we just talk about Bill For some reason sometimes I had to get prepared for him But that surprise I was sort of like shell-shocked almost you were i was a stumbling fucking idiot but i'm always a stumbling moron with him i'm never i'm never myself when i'm around him he's the only one you know me too why is that because his dominance yeah he's i don't know what to say so then i try to throw on that stardew valley right that know.
And then I just go, oh, oh no. Because he's one of the greatest living comedians.
Oh no. And anybody watching, that's what getting bumped feels like.
Yeah. We're like, oh, Bill, but now I got to follow that in a way.
Yeah. It was just, it's just.
Like Sheryl's Girl. And the tan thing I said, it's like, what am I talking about? I heard that.
I don't know what else. Yeah, yeah.
I was like, meow, meow, meow, meow. Yeah.
But at at least you're at least you're having fun i'm asking i was asking dumb interview questions you guys are like girls we are yeah we are i was like shocked by he's one of the greatest living comedians so it's it's hard for if chappelle comes in here i'm done i he came in too i was like bill's on now yeah if dave chappelle found that one of his employees was talking shit about him through text yeah that would be a big deal that would be That would be a very big deal. Don't you think that'd be a big deal? Yeah.
What's going on? Yeah. Well, you know, I'll tell you what's going on.
You're pointing your fingers at me, but it meant a word. You're pointing them to somebody else.
I know it's not. I'll tell you what's going on.
Yeah. I grabbed McCone's phone.
I knew it was McCone. Right, right.
And I go to the messaging and I go, I wonder if I put my name in the search thing. Yeah.
All the shit that you said. Oh, that's so smart.
Right? Yeah. And he freaked the fuck out.
He ran from behind there. He knocked all the art off the wall.
Knocked all the artwork and we did a thing. You also went through my photo album one time.
I did. You love to snoop.
I'm a snoopy snoop. He's a little snooper.
He's a snooper pooper. He kept looking at my photos and was like, getting nervous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so shocked that you haven't inquired about what's in the bag.
What's in the bag? Oh, I have gifts for you guys. Welcome back to what's in the bag.
What's in the bag? Can you pass these out to everybody? Get over here, McCone. I'm exercising my power.
Yeah. I love it, dude.
You've been doing it for years. Why slow down now? No, I've learned it from you.
Yeah. What? Whoa.
What is that?

What?

Hello.

Sunglasses.

Oh, my God.

This is so rad.

Wait, wait.

You have your own sunglasses?

Yes.

It's taken years to make them, but it's the only collaboration I've ever taken part of.

The owner of the company reached out to me and was like, do you want your own sunglasses?

These are so...

We talked about this.

I didn't know you were actually going to do this. You also never called

me back after I called you and you wanted some advice.

They feel good.

You never called me back. I knew you were going to bring that up.

You never called me back. I was pissed off about it.
She never called me

back. You want me to say the thing?

Who am I? I'm doing an impression with these glasses. Who am I?

Okay. Yeah.
Right. Right.

No, no.

Jesse Johnson. No, no oh Prince Prince no wait wait wait I'll get it I'll get it hold on Bobby wearing pink glasses yeah yeah is this just you rockadile rock Elton John yeah Elton John yeah I hope these glasses bring you as much joy as they bring me.
Here's looking at you. Sincerely, Jeske Johnson.
Jesse Jetsky, Juicy Johnson. No, it doesn't say that on there.
Yes, it does. Oh, it does.
Oh. This is incredible, dude.
These are so cool. This is an incredible thing you did at Dead.
Thank you. I thought you guys were going to hate it for some reason.
I'm so happy for you. I got them for everybody.
You guys don't have to wear them, but I hope you enjoy them. We're wearing them.
Rainbow Optic. Are yours thicker than mine? No.
They're the same. They're all the same.
You can get them online, too, if anybody wants them watching. Bring yours over here.
I don't think they're the same. And we'll put the link in the description.
They're all the same, dude. Promo code.
Ours is little. Mine's little or something.
Promo code what? Jet ski. Jet ski to buy these.
These are incredible. 20% off, yeah.
Oh, the other thing. And a glass.
Your face is bigger.

And by the way, just for the record, our good friend Janelle Garza did the art for this,

which I do think is so sick.

She's an incredible artist.

Yeah.

Incredible.

And look at how dope the box is.

I mean, that alone is incredible.

It's so cool. What have you been up to, Jess?

Touring.

I'm on my first tour, Trump It 2024.

Trump It 2024. Trump It 2024.
Oh 2024 that's great that's very smart yeah was that on accident yeah and then i made the shirts and then i made the connection nice oh i see i see very nice yeah came later can i plug the irvine houston and sacramento go ahead trumpet 2024 tour i have three more stops ir. Irvine, Houston, Sacramento.
Irvine improv? Irvine improv. The weekend or? The weekend late night shows.
One late night show Friday, one late night Saturday. Midnight? 10.30 p.m.
Oh, go check it out. Please go see our phone.
Go check it. I'm not going to go.
Oh, I thought you were like, I'm going to go. We can go.
You want us to open up the show? Yeah, would you up the show yeah would you guys we should shouldn't we i think we should open and when is this um everything's on jetski johnson.com i'll be i'll be busy yeah yeah okay i'm gonna be busy oh and rainbow optics the glasses anything you want on the website 20 off go to what is the promo code jetski. Much to it.
Jetski, sign off the way we used to.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Love you.

The path of the avaricious and the tyranny of evil men. i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison to destroy my brothers and you will know my name is the lord when i lay my vengeance upon you i thought he says lay my vengeance upon thee yeah let me do it backward but this says upon you you upon vengeance my lay I when lord is the name i know will you and brothers my destroy and poison to attempt to those anger furious and vengeance great with thee upon down strike will and i children lost of finder the and keeper brothers his truly is he for darkness a valley the through week the shepherds will good and charity of name the inn he is blessed men evil of tyranny the and selfish the of inequities the by-sides all on beset is man righteous the of path thee very good that's actually fucking awesome backwards it's just as good backwards as it is forwards yeah that's why it's brilliant Ezekiel 25 17 yeah god we gotta read the bible dude the bible's got some bangers let's take out every other word so that works the of righteous is on all by inequities.

The and tyranny of men.

Blessed.

Blessed he.

It's hard, huh?

Blessed he in name charity.

Good shepherds.

Weak valley darkness.

He truly brothers and finder lost wow it works that way too