Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom

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Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Wow. Oh, really? What are you, the Dark Knight? Oh, wow.
You're not the Dark Knight. Wow, wow, wow.
He's your fucking ass now, dude. He walks in there like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mitt Reif. Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this tap? We have to refill the bottles.
That is true. We do refill those.

Guy sells out arenas and we give him the wrong

address.

Wait right there. I'll pick you up.
It's

sweltering outside.

What address did you give him?

And I had the

funniest Uber driver on the way over.

Put on your cans if you want them. If you don't want them, you don't have to.

I'll wear them. I'll wear them.
Hair's melted anyway.

No, no, no.

Fancy, do you care to talk about your mistake already yeah i i know this was coming just a number off just a number off of our address our work address so copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact location yeah we've been here for three years and you let our guests straight five miles down the road pretty bad they have google maps in every country every country and by the way five miles in los angeles a different state oh yeah but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something he doesn't see that he doesn't know yeah he doesn't know what's going on well let's give it up for our beautiful wonderful guest matt reif buddy buddy thanks for having buddy buddy buddy you know um i remember when you were a youngster i know dude you were soft and young you know i mean i know very malleable at the time yeah first of all what he's still young i'm a young girl though people are young but they can also be younger at one point. Yeah.
I feel like you were never young. I feel like you were always Bobby.
Yeah. I don't know if you ever had a youthful phase.
Dude, I'm youthful now, dog. No.
No. No, really? No.
You look like you sell gremlins now. That's so good.
Mogwais. And I do.
Yeah. And I do the mogwais.
How old how old were you on mad tv 42 i was in my late 20s yeah for real yeah why no you started at 25 right isn't that what it was 23 is when 23 stand up no no on mad tv 25 i was 30 really yeah you looked so young on yeah he did he looked like a little baby i didn't't even have hair down there. Yeah, yeah.
I got my first hair at 39.

Good boy. Yeah.

Matt, how old are you now? I'm 28.

You and I met, I want to say, tell me if I'm wrong, 10 years

ago? Is that how long I've known you? Yeah, I'd say

so. I've been in LA for 11 years, so 10 sounds about right.

I met you about 9 to 10 years ago.

Bobby and I have known Matt for a

long time. We've watched your

ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person that got what he deserved. You're a good, great comic, good dude.
And when, you know, sometimes, you know, when he was blowing up for a second there, I'd hear some girls go, well, he's just hot. And I'd just be like, no, he's got a skill set.
You can't get there there without the skill set because a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business and i and honestly i've always thought you're ugly and you don't do thank you white dudes like you it does nothing from my me me me really yeah i'm not even nervous right now who's like who's your like male celebrity crush i'm more sandy danto sandy danto-y i like pudge a little pudge in there yeah a little character yeah i like the black ones you know what i mean that's reasonable like the ian edwards you like to think realistic that was the polar opposite of sandy danto i know i'd like could i have a variety there's a variety of men i like that you like attainable though that's really nice that's that's i think is that well wait wait wait i think that you're getting somewhere i don't think you can. There's a variety of men that I love.
I like that you like attainable, though. That's really nice.
I think it's that. Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

I think that you're getting somewhere.

I don't think you can get Ian.

I don't think you can get Ian.

I think you can get Ian.

I don't know, dude.

I thought you could get Ian, too.

Well, first of all, Ian's a vegan, and you're the opposite of a vegan.

I can get one of the Ians.

I can get Ian Bagg.

Yeah, you can get it.

I can get a Canadian.

I can get a Canadian.

Yeah, for citizenship.

Yeah, I can get Ian McKay.

Not Ian McKay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on.
Did you spell my name wrong? What does it say? Matt Rice. Oh, yeah.
I did it because I love everything is Asian. So when I read it, it just...
Did you do this? Yeah, that's fancy. Hold on, is his name fancy? Yeah.
Not so more. I'm so sorry.
Not so more. What? No, Matt Rice is because of Bobby.
He dreams in Chinese. I dream in Chinese, dude.
And with you, he dreams of you. Let's be real.
You do look a little Asian. You do have a little bit of Asian.
Which country? More jungle. Thai? Yeah.
You look closer to South Asian. Yeah.
Okay. And it's because your hair is- Your nutsacks are like dumplings.
I thought you were saying I look pre-op. Thanks.
I appreciate it. Do you have even balls or does one hang lower? No, one's definitely lower.
Which one? Do you know? I think the left. Everybody knows.
I think the left? Left. I'm pretty sure.
Are you left or right? Which one hangs lower, left or right? They're all just equal. I'm Asian.
You're an equal guy. Interesting.
What about you? Science. I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties.
I'm righties. Now I'm questioning.
I know, dude. You look down at it.
You can't tell. My left nut has always been longer than my right nut.
Fuck. But my skin is thick.
My skin's thick. And it's extra wrinkly.
It looks like it's wise.

Have you seen it?

Ask him a question. Have I seen your sack?

No, but it's so wrinkly.

Is yours wrinkly?

Yeah.

Mine's so wrinkly, though.

Yeah.

You know what it looks like?

Remember in Aliens?

On the planet, they had the eggs.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

You had that stuff on the outside.

I think I have that.

It kind of looks like Dikembe Mutombo's head, your nutsack.

Yeah, let me see.

Let me see.

Like his bald, wrinkly head. Bobby his balls look like brussels sprouts yeah yeah you kind of look the top of dikembe that's my nut i thought that was my nut sack yeah whoa now when it's shaved yeah yeah anyway go back to the testicle thing i want to i do want to see okay so unilaterally and bilaterally the left testes is usually lower than the right because of its heavier weight.
So we're in the majority, my friend. I like that.
But my mind doesn't sag. Can I just show you? Your nuts are tight.
Yeah, please. Yeah.
Matt, close your eyes. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matt. Matt.
What? I'm not kidding. They're the exact same size.
No way. No, they're perfect.
For real? Ah, Matt! Well, someone's getting famous on TikTok. You do have very parallel nuts.
How do you... Like I said...
Did it work at it, or is it just naturally like that? Well, you know, I don't use it much. Well, you know how you can, like...
What? No, for like a physical, you cough, and they go up. Are you able to, like, cough one up higher than the other? No, no, no, no.
I think there's only one in there maybe. Yeah.
There could be just one in the middle. That would make a lot of sense.
Hold on. Which side? Can you look into this? Because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's like you're supposed to be more creative.
I've heard this theory before. Like left brain, right brain? Yes.
Except the opposite for your balls?

But still a brain. That makes sense.
You know how your nose is

stuffy on one side and you lean to the

other side and then the boogers will go and then you can

breathe on and out? Yeah, that's what my nose is. You can do that?

Yeah, yeah. What?

That's why my nose is like that. I've just stayed

congested. No, you've never laid in bed

and like, oh, one side is stuffy so you just lay on the other

side and then just let the boogers

go on. I've never tried this.
You gotta try that. I'm 28 and I'm just learning.
Lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head. And that helps clear me out.
You just reminded me, dude, when I was going for basketball in high school, they make you go get a physical, you know? You had to get physicals for school. And I went to this, like, janky, you know, I don't know, like a quick – they needed me to go to, like, a quick doc, someone I haven't been to before.
Back before – what do you call it? Urgent care was a thing. I went to this like janky, you know, I don't know, like a quick, they needed me to go to like a quick doc, someone I haven't been to before.
Back before, what do you call it? Urgent care was a thing. I went to like a local yokel, and I just needed it because practice was the next day.
So I go into this guy. I'm not kidding.
I'll go with my dad. I'll never forget.
He's like, would you like to come in the room? And my dad was like, no, what the fuck? No, why would I go in the room? He's like, oh, just for safety and security. And he was and he was like no it's fine i don't want to see my son's penis what i get in the room he's like go ahead i drop down he's feeling around doing his thing blah blah blah pull it up i go back out we're checking out he's filling out the forms my hand to god he goes your son's growing up no your son's growing up he had never seen me before he didn't know i could have peaked you know what i mean i could have already peaked he didn't know i was still growing whoa but he said your son's growing up i don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect after like the third pitch i would have been like should i be in there yeah what are you gonna do to my son yeah yeah your son's growing up that's what that guy said he got disbarred we sued him so your dad's never seen your pianist Of course my father seen my penis.
What are you talking about? But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it. Okay.
Nah. Has your father seen your penis? My dad's dead, so probably.
Probably. His ghost.
Oh, yeah. That's the worst.
No, not now. As a youngster.
Look at my car. As a youngster, you saw it, right? I don't know.
He and my mom weren't even together. Oh, okay, okay.
How old did your dad die? How old were you when he died? One and a half. Oh, my God.
Well, his dad just died. For real? I relate.
How recently? Four years ago. That's not even like just.
It's a long time. Yeah.
How old was he? He was like 80. 106.
So you never knew your dad? No, no. He was like, I think he was 21 when he died.
How did he die? Oh, wait, let's guess. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me guess. Always love a let's guess.
Oh, I know. He was 26? 21.
21. Okay, I got it.
Yeah. What's yours? 21st birthday, your dad goes out.
Right? He's partying. He's having a good time.
Somebody goes, what was his name? mike mike mike let's get on a motorcycle let's do wheelies yeah right wheelies yeah really bad accident he's alive okay he's totally fine yeah he goes back to the bar drink some more parties uh-huh picks up a strange man to hang out with to go do go rootin tootin right goes back to the man's apartment boom Jeffrey Dahmer whoa I'm not gonna confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this okay go ahead oh mine oh I'm yours I I know it fully what it's almost as if I was there okay what happened fourth of July your dad was naked with a bunch of his buddies in the south Arkansas in a backyard he backyard. He's not from Arkansas.
He's from Ohio. He happened to be there on a business trip.
Yeah, he was traveling. And your parents didn't know.
Your mom didn't know. It was a secret.
What was he selling on the business? He's a salesman, right? Firecrackers. Oh, he's selling firecrackers.
It was 4th of July. State to state.
Yeah, yeah. And he's going to the South to sell this, you know what I mean? It's actually a trucking company, right? And the head of the trucking company's house, he was like, hey, man.
Your dad was like, hey, man, I have the best firecracker. So they have a thing.
They get drunk. They're all naked, right? It's like eight at night.
That's how you sell firecrackers. Right, right.
You know what I mean? And, you know, there's no gay things going on. What? No one even said that.
I know, but I just, they were. You didn't know my dad.
Yeah, I didn't know your dad. They were like, they're poking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then your dad then your dad fuck why he did this he threw a little firecracker in the air a sparrow came down bit the fucking firecracker right and started going doing loopy loops uh-huh like you know what i mean like a sparkler in the sky right right and then your dad was naked you he bent over to get on the firecracker the spirit goes right into his his butthole.
With the firecracker? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right?

There was an explosion.

But he doesn't die.

Wow.

But it hurts so bad.

So bad.

And here's the thing.

They all start laughing.

No.

Yeah, all the people from the trucking company.

That's how you agree.

You fuck it.

And they see the F word for some reason.

Yeah, why?

I don't know why.

Okay.

It doesn't mean he's gay.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And they spin on him too.

Wow.

I don't know why.

It's the South. Right.

But the spirit is still alive.

Dude.

My mom listens to it.

I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah? Yeah.
And they spin on them, too. Wow.
I don't know why. It's a sow.
Right. But the sparrow's still alive.

Dude, my mom listens to every podcast I do, and this can't be the one.

The sparrow's still alive, dude.

It's unbelievable.

It's like a zombie sparrow, right?

The wings are gone, spine, face, right?

And out of the left eye of the sparrow comes out a little tapeworm oh wow this tapeworm right has fucking the first case of covid way before we landed a little chinese tapeworm yeah in the eyeball of the sparrow. Wow.
What are the odds? What are the odds?

Right?

Yeah.

Your dad's ass exploded.

He's still alive?

He's still alive, your dad.

But he's like, call the cops.

Strong guy.

He was a strong guy. Yeah, his hands were in the dirt.

The earth.

Scratching.

Call the cops.

Please.

Or the police.

I mean, ambulance.

He doesn't even know what he's saying.

He said cops first. Uh-huh.
He doesn't even know what he's saying. He said cops first.

Uh-huh.

He doesn't even know what he's saying

because he's so fucking...

Honestly, right?

No, dude.

This fucking little fucking maggot.

Nope.

Yeah.

Not a maggot.

Try again.

This worm.

This little worm.

Tape worm.

Tape worm, yeah.

You know, in the South,

they call it both.

Oh, you do.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

It goes inside

the opening of his ass and he gets in fact he died two weeks later anyway wow what really happened it was a fucking chinese tapeworm are you serious from the arkansas yeah how did you know that dude i just fucking know you read about it yeah you yes landed a sparrow in his ass That could have been it.

It sounded reasonable.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

Just good old fashioned suicide.

You're dead.

Oh, suicide.

Oh, suicide.

Oh, suicide.

Oh, shit. I know.
I know. Oh, good old-fashioned.
Good old-fashioned. The American dream, really.
Was he depressed? No, he was stoked. He was fucking...
Yeah, he was the happiest suicide. He was jazzed about it.
Got a new gun. Yeah.
He was on some uppers. See you later, son.
My God. Was he happy? Yeah, he was amped.
What I was asking. Jesus.
No, sometimes. I'm walking on sunshine.
Whoa. Jesus.
I'm so sorry. Hold on.
I'm so sorry. I was rude.
That's it. What I'm saying is that sometimes you know no yes if he was drunk right he wasn't and he was thinking right that maybe you know what I mean that's what I was asking so he had you at 20 years old yes wow and unfortunately took his own life a year later I'm so sorry man I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it it did it almost certainly did yeah had he known you'd be selling out arenas he would have waited waited.
Probably would have waited. Yeah.
Would have stuck around. I would think so.
Yeah. He loved you very much.
There's also a theory, my own theory, right? He's not even on the birth certificate because he didn't think I was his. Because he and my mom weren't officially dated.
But did you think your mom was hooking up with other guys? Yeah, definitely thought she was. Okay.
She swears no. I said that on Ricky Lake.
Right? Right. i don't think i look anything like my dad at all and my mom always tells me i look like this guy she dated in high school like before she met my dad so well to get a dna test i've thought about it you got about it dude you got to get a dna test at the 23 now it's like but i don't want to like now that i'm at where I'm at in my life now, I don't want to like go and tell this guy

hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket.

No, you don't give him money.

He doesn't get shit.

He earns it.

He earns it.

But it's like, what could I use him for at this point?

Tour manager.

Tour manager. Not a bad idea.

Sneaker cleaner.

Okay, let me just say something to you, Matt. Okay? That was the grossest way I've ever seen somebody drink it in my life.
Jesus Christ. So anyway.
Like you were drinking it from a hose. Okay, come on, let's move on.
The fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me. Yeah, yeah, we ping pong.
Yeah, yeah, anyway. Congrats, by the way, ping pong was huge.
It was huge. It bow and arrow too.
Archery. Archery, yeah.
Yeah, we kill it. Yeah, you did that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway.
Congrats, by the way. Ping pong was huge.
It was huge.

It bow and arrow, too.

Archery.

Archery, yeah.

Yeah, we kill it.

Yeah, you did okay.

Okay, anyway, can I ask? How many gold medals does Korea have right now?

Oh, my God.

Are you Korean?

Yeah.

For now.

Fuck off.

21 total medals, nine gold.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Is it not amazing?

It's not America.

Britain is 33.

Okay.

Yeah.

What'd you say?

Britain.

Britain is 33?

Yeah, yeah.

U.S., 61 medals. Wow.
Come see about us. Okay.
Yeah. What'd you say? Britain.
Britain is 33. Yeah, yeah.
US, 61 medals. Wow.
Come on, see about us. Wow.
Yeah. You know who's in first? Yeah, but we're also the size of Delaware.
Korea? Yeah. What does that have to do with it? It's a small country, dude.
So what? Go back up to the top. Yeah.
France isn't fucking that big. No.
France is not big at all Yeah okay Is it bigger than Korea though?

Everything is

Everything's bigger in Korea

Okay

No okay

Anyway

I forgot even what I was going to ask Matt man

You were talking about his dad

How did your dad die?

Oh no

He choked on a piece of kimchi

It was awful to watch

He was there

He wouldn't do the Heimlich or anything

Yeah yeah

I'm a choking

I'm a choking

I'm a joking. I'm a joking.
I thought he was saying I'm joking. Because we were just fucking around the whole time we were eating dinner.
I'm a joking. I'm a joking.
What I'm saying, let me go for a serious point. He died of natural causes.
He died of natural causes. But let me get to this point.
Please. So one of my favorite shows I've talked about i know you guys are bored that i talk about all the time but long lost family i know yeah because there's an episode of you ever seen it i've never even heard of it it's on tlc it's one of the greatest shows ever made it's pretty incredible to watch it's incredible what's it about it's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that um gave up a kid you know for adoption they try to find them and they reunite and it it's super sweet.
Yeah. Okay.
So there was this one girl on it. I think it was the first season.
She's from California. Am I boring you? No, dude, I'm listening.
Okay, okay, okay. I just don't like the way you do that.
Okay. Well, you go like that.
I was burping. Okay.
I'm not going to start over. So anyway, so this is a girl, right? And when she was like 19 years old, some guy said, well, you're Italian.
She said, I'm not Italian. Look at your face So this is a girl Right And when she was like 19 years old Some guy said What You're Italian She said I'm not Italian You look at your face You're Italian So she went to home She goes This guy said That I'm Italian I'm not Italian And then her mom goes Well your dad's really Not your real dad And told her that Oh that would kill you man It would kill you I feel like you would just Keep lying Yeah At some point You would say No you're not fucking Italian I think she, the mom was holding in for so long and it was like, she was waiting for a window and that was the window.
It was killing her. It was killing her.
And the girl freaks out like, what the fuck? And she's like, yeah, I mean, that's your dad. He loves you like, you know.
Yeah. She's like, yeah, but I want to.
So then 20 years later, this show comes about and she's like, I'm going to try to find this guy. he knew so she um had an animal sanctuary in california she raised llamas and you love sanctuaries any story with a sanctuary sanctuary yeah we're working on it we're working on it right and so so they find the guy right And he's like a park ranger in Oregon.
And he has an animal sanctuary. No way.
Yeah, yeah. It's in her blood.
Yeah. So what I'm saying is that, you know, they, and then when they met, they look exactly alike.
And they just, you can see in the show, they're just bonded. Like it was an instant.
So beautiful. Right? And so it's like, she's not going to go, he's not going to go, hey, can I have some of your llamas? Like, that's your paranoia.
Right. No, they just want to meet.
Yeah, but. Yeah, I mean, so what I'm saying is, is that, because he has a bigger sanctuary than he does, right, you know, he's not going to go, give me some of your fucking, you know, marsupials.
He might. Yeah, yeah.
He's got a lot of, he's got a lot of platypus. Right, so what I'm saying, if you find your biological dad, you just want to meet him and who knows, there might be a There might be a connection He's not going to ask for anything How do you know You're like You're assuming that that's You don't know Well because if he does You know Let me put my fucking smart hat on Okay Okay so It didn't work Yeah with your hair out front You look like that kid from up what with your hair coming to the front you look like a little fat kid from up yeah that kid that's exactly what you look like right now so fucking cute yeah i'm so cute you are so cute that's you oh yeah that's 100% you when your hair goes up let me see if i can do that kid that's you that's.
That's you, dude. Adorable, dude.
You're so adorable, dude. But I fuck like a machine.
Okay. And I have to throw that out there.
So- No, I just know everyone, I'm cute, but ladies, I fuck like a machine. Anyway, okay.
Did you ever get a backup dad? A backup dad? Yeah, I had a stepdad. A stepdad, yeah.
Of course. Is he still around? No, he and my mom

got divorced like probably

six, seven years ago or something like that. Now, is she going to swing again

your mom or do you think this is it? Oh, she's dating a new guy.

Yeah. Okay.
Would she get married for the

third time, you think? She was

never married the first time. Okay, right.

Second time. What we're basically trying to ask

you is if she was single and I'm single,

can I go out with her? Because your mom and him might be

the same age. How old is your mom? Oh, no, my mom's 48.
Dude, you're fucking 52. You're older than his mom.
Your mom's 48? Yeah. I'm 52.
I know. God, dude, I'm the same age as your mom.
First of all, you could never. Yeah, you could never.
Wait, wait, wait. No, stop, stop, stop.
She's an angel. No, stop.
Stop, stop. No, she wouldn't.
No, just stop stop no she wouldn't stop stop stop stop everyone stop okay because what he just did maybe you stop honestly i i'm sorry i know he's a big star he said you can't my show my show dude okay dude your show all right you're the captain all right so it's so can we let's admit i am the captain now You are the captain Alright so what I'm asking you Mr. Reif

Is that I ain't good enough for your mom, dog? What is that? I don't know. I just...
Why did you change the South Korean? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, I ain't good enough for your mom, dog? No.
He's from Ohio. She doesn't smoke American spirits.
Okay. She smokes marble marble light but if i but if i called you and it's a yo dude matt's your stepdad bob that would feel weird yeah yeah but why i'm a good dude no you're not no yes i am okay what do you think you could offer me as a father figure this This is good.
This is like Shark Tank. Okay, what I can offer you is spiritual guidance.
Spiritual guidance? Yeah, spiritual guidance. Did I stutter, dog? I did.
Yeah. So you couldn't be my dad, possibly.
What could you teach me about spiritual guidance? Like, are you teaching me how to find my spiritual animal? Well, I don't know what the problem is right now, dude. Maybe I'm lost.
What are you lost about? Maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Okay, what I would sit- What would you offer me for advice? Well, what I would sit down with you is right now, seriously, an exercise.
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Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms. Put your hands on wherever surface of that.
Of this pool floating? Yeah, pool floating. Yeah.
And just really feel the texture, the temperature of it. Right? Yeah, it feels plasticky.
Feel your feet. You're grounded.
Right? Yeah, one of them. The smells right now.
Right? Whatever you're smelling. Even the office smell.
Right? Edamame. Exactly.
A little edamame. Right? The air conditioning.
You can hear that little pearl. Right? Yeah pearl right yeah it's a window right and all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling on to those fucking senses right now that's the only thing that exists now the present the present moment is it working is it working it's actually pretty good is it working it's pretty what i'm saying is is that matt you see one side of me but there's many sides to namaste bobby lee namaste okay and i have other knowledge and wisdom that i could give you but you're not just open you're not open to it right so for you to say that i'm not good enough for your mother is quite frankly rude by the way a spiritual an aggressive passive aggressive spiritual coach is so funny yeah man so funny dude passive aggressive kind of toxic mr miyagi you feel that for you to even think all right all right all right i won't i won't i won't i won't his mom gaslit me in my own therapy yeah i know his mom is an angel i know she is but you But it's just rude for him to say that.
It's not. It's his mom.
It's not that I think she could do better. I do.
How about this? Here's what I'm afraid of as a third party viewer of all this. You're going to come in there and try to get into this family because you want some of his llamas.
I got llamas too though. You don't have as many llamas as he does.
But I got llamas. Old llamas.
Buddy. And from different countries.
You're going to come in there and try to get into this family because you want some of his llamas. I got llamas too, though.

You don't have as many llamas as he does.

But I got llamas, old llamas.

Buddy, your farm.

And from different countries.

Your farm needs a new fence.

Okay.

This motherfucker has acreage.

Okay, can I just say.

You understand?

Yeah, when it comes to llamas though, right?

All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive.

Yeah, you were worried about selling out stand-up live, okay?

So you're, you know what I'm saying?

That's a comedy club? Yeah, guy's doing fucking arenas. i think he's got a couple of more a couple more llamas we did so now but it's just different we yeah together together yeah together oh really oh really all right all right you're a solo it's fine let's move on was bobby on dave i can't wait to the e street band leaves you matt yeah yeah um can we go can we go back to um so matt what i'm saying is is that yes um the guy that your mom's dating now not that i want to destroy the relationship but what i'm just hypothetically saying is is that you've met him before yeah you like him so let me i can already bet No.
I might have more llamas than him. You probably do.

Yes.

Okay.

Way more credits.

I mean, look at my MDB.

Has he been on TV or film?

He was in jail, so probably cops.

Hey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

True TV.

That's a good show.

Highly rated show.

Bad boys.

Yeah, yeah.

Love that show.

Also, I've never cheated on anybody.

Good.

That's a true thing.

That's good.

That's a good thing. I always pay for meals.
Good. That's a good thing that's good that's a good thing I always pay for meals good that's a good thing okay two for two ballet and whatnot and guess what pal for your birthday you get not something that has a price tag to it but something ingenious and something that you're gonna go you know what I'm gonna put this on my mantle it No, it's it.
You should see this guy make a swan on a bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's unbelievable. No, I would be very mindful about making you something that you're going to go, oh, that was, you know, really thoughtful.
So that's it. Wow.
I threw my pitch. Okay.
What do you think? Nah. Yeah.
Nah. All right.
All right. I'm out.
You know why you're saying that? And let's move on?

It's because I'm Korean.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, you're being racial. That's not true.

That's not true.

Let's move on.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, my mom's single.

Are you single right now?

I am.

Oh, you are?

Good for you.

Well, my mom's single.

How old's your mom?

80.

Ageless.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ageless.

But her vag, 23. Really? Yeah, yeah 23 really yeah reconstructive or just oils and stuff it's essentials you know she just burns her pearl juice she lives in a genie lamp you gotta rub the lamp to get her out of there do you think your mom would ever date again being no it's dead the shop The shop's closed.
We'll see. Yeah, there's no more

mogwets. Old rickety gate down there.
Yeah, it's rickety.

So,

the last time I talked to you,

you were in a relationship. Yeah.

And then, who broke up with who?

We broke up. Together.
Mutual.

That's the best answer I've ever heard. We broke up.

Yeah. It's just not the right time.

Can I ask you

what, because, you know, I have a checklist of what I like in a woman. Okay.
So can I ask you some checklists? By all means. Okay.
So from a scale of 1 to 10, what's the number, the lowest number you'll go? Like – In terms of look. Just physical.
Aesthetically? Aesthetically, yeah. We're talking like LA numbers or like genuinely – Real world numbers.
Real world numbers. In In Ohio 8, I think.
Oh, that's great. Yeah.
Yeah, that's my standard. In Ohio 8.
Oh, Ohio 8. That's great.
Does she need a college education? No. Okay.
Do you have a college education? No. I didn't even graduate high school.
Yeah, he didn't finish high school. Do you have a GED? I have what's equivalent to a GED.
Can we order him a GED, please? Yeah, let's get him. Can you just get him on Amazon Prime? him on Amazon Prime yeah you can yeah yeah we can get it same day if we order it before yeah okay she says to you Matt I hate all animals oh tough that's really tough that's hates them I mean she's just like I just like if I'm around touch him and stuff but it's like I'll never own a dog or a cat.
Let's be two candidates for him. And you be that girl, I'll be this girl.
And we'll see who. Okay.
Well, let's start from the beginning because I want to introduce myself. Yeah, go ahead.
Okay. Pass.
Hey, man. No, I'm sorry.
Go ahead. Yeah, just disregard this.
I'm a Ohio 8. Okay.
Okay. Okay? Just visualize an Ohio 8, right? Okay.
Yeah. My name is Shooky Shooky.
Yeah. And my last name is Shaka.
So I go by Shooky Shooky Shaka. Okay? Junior.
Anyway, so I never went to college. I don't have an accent.
I don't want to have an accent. You do? Shut up.
Shooky Sh shooky, you do. I don't want one.
Okay. Because I don't think you'll like it.
All right. I might like it.
No, no. I just want to do this.
I'm shooky, shooky, shama. Okay.
All right. Okay, shooky.
Yeah. All right.
Anyway, yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like I really don't have any dreams or aspirations, and I hate animals. If I see a llama or if I see a mongoose or something, I'll go, oh, look, there it is.
I might touch it, but I have no connection. I've never connected with an animal.
And I just think the animals are out there for eating. You won me at the end.
Yeah. Big fan of eating animals.
But also, I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit. So to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a red flag, a little bit.
But I have a talent. And what's that? And I make sculptures out of pine cones.
What's the scale of these pine cones? Gigantic. I use maple syrup because I'm Canadian as well.
Shooky, shooky, the Canadian age.

Yeah, shooky, shooky, shooky, the Canadian.

And I do this art with pine cones and needles.

Pine needles.

All right.

I like a girl who sells shit on Etsy.

This is fun.

And the last one I did was, I did a big sculpture of Brian Ferry.

Of what?

Brian Ferry, the lead singer of Roxy Music.

You described it and somehow I knew less.

And also Toto.

The band Toto?

No, Toto the dog.

From Wizard of Oz.

Yeah, it's like a Brian Ferry and Toto's on his shoulder.

And the other one, right, is Jaime.

Jaime from Harry Potter.

What's her name?

Hermione? Hermione Hermione yeah and it made Hermione out of all pine needles I'm back yeah it doesn't look spiky what's your Harry Potter house my Harry Potter house yeah well you know it's like um I don't do Dumbledore. You think the house is Dumbledore?

Well, I fucked him when I was there.

I fucked Dumbledore, which is he's old.

But no, Hufflepuff.

I'm Hufflepuff.

Okay, that's pretty innocent. Ravenclaw.

I kicked out of Ravenclaw.

You know what I mean?

But Hufflepuff for sure.

Who's this?

Yeah, who's this fine piece of meat?

Whoa.

First of all, hey.

Yeah, we've met. Suki Suki Shaka, remember, so go ahead I'm Martha I'm 6'8 I like sushi I have never wiped once Poop or pee I don't believe in matching shoes I drive a Geo Metro I live in Acton acton acton acton ohio yes and i'll suck your bone dry sold wow it's literally all it's pretty easy all it took the sucking bone dry is good yeah man no no pine cones just get you the fucking she has a dream you fuck face.
Ew. I'm trying to support my own You don't want somebody that has a dream Fuck nard No Preferably they have a dream Here's what I don't like When I'm going on a date And I go what do you want to do Nothing That's such a turn You know what's interesting? I'm sure you're a very eligible bachelor, right? What are you now doing? Because you're not on the apps.
What are you doing to meet people now? I don't meet anybody. I don't date anybody.
If it's organic and you meet through a friend or through the grapevine. I suppose, but dude, I out.
For now, you're not interested. Yeah, I'm not interested in anybody.
Good for you. I just, I can't.
Stay working. Actually, but be careful on the work part.
Do you remember what I told you at Burt's premiere? Do you remember when I pulled you aside and what I told you? Yeah, don't go to Bobby's house. Don't go to Bobby's house.
Verbatim. What'd you say at Burt's premiere? I said to you, I'm proud of you.
I'm happy for you. And I said, just don't let them work you to death.
And they sure did. And then within like a month, we were in Riverside or some shit, and this motherfucker announced like a three-year tour.
I'm like, they got his ass. They got him good, dude.
How are you feeling touring as much as you are? Well, I had to take two weeks off because i almost i thought i was gonna fucking die i went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever wow and i was doing this casino in um was it sun valley in norcal i don't know i don't maybe i have no idea yeah sure and i was on like i was on like four days of no sleep and i'm i'm sitting down i got this fucking wireless hands-free mic now yeah i'm one of those yeah little hands-free and i'm like holding i'm sitting down the whole time holding on holding on to the stool like trying to keep myself from like falling over i can't look out into the crowd i my vision just going so in and out i'm like if i just get through this i have three days off before my next show i'll just rest i. I didn't sleep for those entire three days.
Why? So then when I just, I couldn't sleep. I said that to you.
I just can't sleep. I'm glad you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice.
But I did mean it when I said it to you because I'm being genuine. I've known you for so long.
I've seen your career. It's been wonderful.
You've been humble the whole time. You've been a gracious dude.
You've worked through all sorts of bullshit, a lot of up and downs from a perspective that America may not know. I've seen you do the gambit.
I've seen you run the gambit from a very low, low level that I saw you at when you first started and you were young. And I think what's wild is people think, well, this is what you asked for.
But what I meant when I said that to you was because we're a little older. I've seen it before.
And I was like, just don't let them run you into the ground. And, of course, they ran you into the fucking ground.
And we had heard because we know your old team and all that stuff. And when you announced all that shit, I thought, you got to be careful, dude, because they'll work you till you break.
You're also allowed to say no. You're allowed to say no.
I didn't know that at the time. When you're used to having nothing, hearing no, no, no, no, no, and then you're getting all yeses, of course you don't know how to.
When they're offering you a paycheck for one show that's more than you've ever made in your entire life combined, who in their right mind knows how to turn that down? Dude, trust me. I told you.
I get it. And I said, go get your thing.
But also, you have to watch out for you because you will have an emotional breakdown. Theo's talked about it.
We've talked to Theo about it. He called me just the other day to check in.
He's had big, heavy hits where it's tough. Sometimes if you're just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, this goes away.
You lose your shit. The last year and a half, I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month.
Oh, my God, dude. Yeah.
It's been fucking years. Do you owe the mafia a bunch of money? Yeah, you doing gambling i thought i thought i could handle it i really i really thought i could do i promise you can't i apparently i couldn't yeah i when i had to i had to take these two weeks off from shows it was fucking brutal i never thought i was gonna have to do that but i was just like i cannot possibly fucking perform yeah and it was because i was on a tour bus for nine months every day was was Groundhog Day, right? I would perform till two o'clock in the morning, stay awake till five or six, then try to go to bed.
Couldn't sleep. So I'd sleep till like 2 p.m.
I'd stay on the bus, which was wrapped. So basically blacked out until like 4 p.m.
Just meetings, writing, whatever. I'd go outside.
I'd see the sunlight for like two minutes a day, walking to the gym and walking back. And then I'd do the shows and repeat.
So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments, they were like, oh, dude, on top of you have like severe insomnia and like really bad anxiety. I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody about this before, but it's not even that you have a bad circadian rhythm.
You don't even have one at all. It's like, you know, when you have a baby, you have to like teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep, like what nighttime is.
Right. And that's all based on sunlight.
I never knew that. I knew sunlight was good for like vitamin D or whatever and good for like your immune system.
But I had no idea it had to do with your sleep clock as much. So my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep ever.
So I had to like those two weeks off, I had to like retrain my brain to like be like, okay, stick to some kind of loose schedule. Yeah.
And new meds. Are you staying clean outside of that though? Do you don't, you're not a big drinker, drug user.
You don't do any of that stuff. I don't really drink unless I'm like, I mean, maybe like, maybe four times a year I'll drink.
But stay off of it because that's the, that's the one thing that I think gets people. You're on the road and you think, well, I'll, I'll do this because this will help or I'll pop a pill or take a drink or smoke.
And that's when it starts to spiral, especially in your case when you're like just constant, constant, constant, constant. So it's good to stand away from it.
But also, Matt, serious note. I'm going to put on my serious hat.
It's about longevity too, you know? Of course. That's the hard part.
Him and I, we've been around for a long time, you know? Him longer than me. How old are you, Santino? 40.
He's 40. Yeah, I know.
I'm 52. Wow.
But I've looked 40 since you met me. I started when I was 23.
Oh my God. And since the 90s all the way to now, and it's like, and there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get.
And also I admit,, I was never, like, the kind of what you got, you know what I mean? I never got. What do you mean? Well, you were never...
Dude, dude. You're being so fucking rude right now.
It makes me so fucking mad. You were never hot.
That's not even what I'm fucking talking about right now, dude. You were never hot.
No shit. That's not what I'm saying.
No shit you didn't get a phone call. Oh, dude, you make me so.
You haven't made me this man since the early days, dude. Good, dude.
Yeah, no, fuck you, dude. Shut up.
I'm not all you. Fuck you, Porky.
God damn. God damn.
This is so hot. Anyway.
Yeah, you never got these opportunities. But you got some amazing, that's what I'm saying.
But you had amazing opportunities. I've had, I've done a lot of great things in my career.
You have. But what I'm saying is, is that, it's just, just know that you're always going going to work i think the thing in our minds is like

if i don't do it now right it's going to disappear it's not now it comes about in different forms you might do see see oh you might do bigger things right or you might you know i mean there'll be a couple of slim years but trust me you will

have you'll come back and then you'll back and that's what life is like this like it are you okay no it's like this you know yeah yeah okay the roller coaster back and forth like this the roll This feels racist even years. So that's what, you know.
That's the inside of your grandfather clock. I need to drink some water.
Hold on. Yeah, you need to get your sleep schedule right because it's healthy for you, dude, to get back to square one.
Then you get healthy physically and mentally because I think the mental thing is you're in the gym all the time, but that's not helping this thing no of course just because you're getting in staying in shape it's not going to help your brain and a lot of people don't understand it's like okay you get to this point what is there to be anxious about like you made it right but it's like okay well how do you keep making it it's it's easy to have like a hot couple of years but then you go okay the anxieties of like okay am i ever going to have money to like support a family or anything like that? That's, that's cool. That's taken care of.
But it's like, what's how hard this moment is right now? I go, fuck, like what, what's the next 60 years? Well, but who cares? I would say this. I'd say the one thing I would say is if you're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire, will never be worth it.

That was the hardest part.

No matter what you, no matter what, if it're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire, will never be worth it. That was the hardest part.
No matter what you, no matter what comes, if it's not fun anymore and it's just work for the prospective future of the hope that I'll be settled at some point, you're never gonna, you're gonna lose your mind and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck. You'll have whatever you need and you'll go, fuck, this sucks.
I don't even like this. Yeah.
There would definitely be times in doing 10 to 14 shows a week that I'm like, there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go, I don't feel like performing. It's like, do you have a theater full of fucking people right now? You would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime and you didn't feel like doing it because it just felt like Groundhog Day over and over again.

So the best part was having my friends around to remind me of that

and make the entire experience as fun as humanly possible.

How many people do you take on the road?

There's my videographer, my photographer, two openers.

Two people? Same two guys?

Yeah, host and a feature.

I keep the same host, and then my feature is just kind of in and out.

Rotate?

Yeah.

Yeah, it depends. I just had Eric Griffin was with me in uh atlantic city hosting uh not featuring let's move him down to host happily yeah he will lose his fucking mind he loves you so much he loves you so much yeah he talked about you last night we ran i ran into him last night oh really yeah he was talking about you and bobby um so you know who guy tory is yeah so guy tory once asked, he goes, you know why I'm happy? I go, why in my career? He goes, I don't have like the amount of money that some of these other guys have, but every year, there's certain milestones and markers that I look for.
And it's, am I doing something different than I did last year? Right? Because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences. And Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year maybe doing a movie.
You have some movies coming out, right? I don't know. You already shot some? No, we've got like six in development for next year.
That's what I'm saying. Once those start, then you're going to be in a town for a month and a half doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively.
You're going to do different things, right? so just as long as every year you're mixing it up and not just constantly touring because then that would be that's like a sad life you'll burn out you'll burn out you just burn out and we don't want you to burn that was pretty good advice that was really good advice that's really good advice thank you all right look i need to ask this because i know and i know it's not favorable conversation, but I do curious. You have become very successful since we've seen you on this rise.
Have you spoiled yourself? Have you done something where you're like, I bought a thing and I did a thing. Yeah.
And I never could do it before. I bought my mom a house was the first thing I did.
Great. Great.
Class act. Class act.
Class act. I just bought my first house.

You bought her a house first?

Yeah.

You're a class act.

What city did you buy it at?

Mine or hers?

Hers.

Hers.

She's in Georgia,

outside of Atlanta.

Book a flight.

Okay, good to know.

Just give us the address.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

And then you bought one here in LA?

No, I don't live here anymore.

I live in Rhode Island. Wow island wow why this city's dead dude there it is this city's so there's no energy drive down sunset you heard it here first on a weekend night there's no traffic why'd you pick rhode island it wasn't even the top 10 places i look trust me i just there was three things on my checklist i wanted land i wanted to get what I was actually fucking paying for.
And I found this massive place for probably the same price as a two bedroom with no yard. Yeah, two bedroom, one bath.
Yeah. Out here.
Yeah. Wanted to get what I was paying for and land.
Needed to have some kind of a comedy scene. And Providence has a comedy connection out there.
It's a great club. Sure.
Boston's 45 minutes away. Amazing comedy scene amazing comedy scene and also convenient for travel well i guess that was a third um and rhode island providence is like my burbank airport and boston's my lax so it really stays wow i'm just but dude it's so beautiful i've never been a morning person as we just discussed my sleeping problems yeah every single day i wake up there the the seven days i've been there in the past four months, I've owned it.

Yeah, you don't even live there.

I wake up so happy.

It is so fucking beautiful.

Oh, that's wonderful, dude.

Yeah, I'm so happy I did that.

So nothing here?

No apartment here?

No connection to Los Angeles anymore?

No, I couldn't, dude.

My business managers explained

that I looked into

even just getting a condo here

or something.

If I own any kind of property here

because I've lived here for 11 years,

they'll say that this is still

my permanent residence.

And that's my vacation home somewhere. So I'll still get California taxes.
And i was like no fuck that wow wow wow yeah rhode island did you ever visited before nope wow no i just went i was performing at mohegan sun uh five shows out there or something light like that um and it's about an hour away and we see what he just did don't like it they made us play the parking lot of mohegan sun we were we did mohegan sunset we didn't even get the fucking full sun yeah mohegan moon oh yeah fuck it was an hour away and we were i found it on zillow and i was like i'll go i'll peep this real quick we went and checked it out and i was like oh this is like one show mohegan sun awesome so wow wow good for you it was awesome dude wow buying your mama house first was a class act. That's Wow.
Good for you. It was awesome, dude.

Wow.

Buying your mom a house first was a class act.

That's a cool thing to do.

When you told her,

how did you tell her?

I told her,

I called her,

I was like,

hey.

I called her,

it was maybe like a week

after the tour sold out.

It was obviously the first time

I knew I was going to have

any money at all.

I was like,

hey,

in your fucking face.

I told you I was a silly bitch. No, obviously, I called her.
Very lighthearted. I was like hey in your fucking face you know told you i was silly bitch no obviously no i've called her very light-hearted i was like things worked out finally now that i have some money i want to like i want to i want to take care of you you know you stuff you still have to work but like your bills are taken care of right wow i bought her a car the year before when like things were like just kind of starting to take off a little bit oh wait let's guess the car can you guess the car go ahead let's go Hers? Yeah.
A Tesla? No. In Georgia? She would have no idea what to do with a Tesla.
He bought her an F350. She would think it's possessed.
A lifted truck. An F350 lifted truck with hydraulic jacked up.
Truck nuts. Yeah, truck nuts dangling.
Smoke stack. Yeah.
Come on, Matt, let's go, dude. What'd you buy her? She wanted a Hyundai, dude.
Really? Yeah, no expensive taste. Humble pie.
That's awesome. She thought it was a nice car.
They are really good Korean cars. Yeah, very good.
Is Hyundai Korean? It's got dilapidating lifts and expression. Beepa, beepa.
Yeah, she didn't ask for anything crazy. Go to that, go to the house.
She was excited about it. You know, best son ever.
Oh, pride? Yeah, when was the first time I had heard that? Do you have a sister or a brother? Yeah, I have four sisters. Are they biologics or halfies? No, three half-sisters, one...
Three stepsisters, one half-sister. One half-sister.
Well, we don't know who's biological. Is this guy's? I know, right? None of them might be biological.
Are you closest with the half-sister at all? Closer than the stepsisters, yes. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I would say so. Is one of them an evil stepsister? An evil stepsister?

Yeah, like the fairy tales?

None more than the others,

I suppose.

If your stepsister went,

hey, man,

I'm down on my luck.

I've been using fentanyl.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I've been using fentanyl.

I'm not shooting it up anymore.

I drop form of my eyeballs.

I just drip them in my eyeballs.

Anyway, I need about 20 grand

because I'm like I'm dying

I would say Bobby Lee is single

and he has a lot of llamas

hit him up

you would do that? I would do that for you

I don't want it

I don't want your sister

you don't want all three of them?

no

are they hot?

no

turn right around

you were first no then you were like Thank you. You don't want all three of them? No.
Are they hot? Okay. No.

Turn right around.

What do you mean?

Why do you... You were first no, then you're like,

stop.

Are they hot?

When you ask, like, you know,

hey, is your brother hot?

Why is that?

Like, your sister.

Your sister's hot.

You have a hot sister?

This is why.

Your sister's hot, and guess what, dude?

Yeah, dog.

Do you want me to hurt you today?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing?

You got to go?

No, I'm sweating.

Oh, God, man.

Look at those stretch marks from when he gave birth.

Isn't that great?

You don't got anything like that.

How many days of the week are you in the gym, bud?

Five?

Six?

Six or seven.

Listen to that, Bob.

How many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year?

How many days have you gone to the gym this year?

I haven't been in the gym in 12 years.

And look at this.

Nuh-uh.

And this looks good. This is good.
For who? I don't do any movement. Like, I rarely move.
A little mental movement. I do, but it's like I don't do really anything.
I go upstairs. That was kind of a crunch, the lean back again.
Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
Don't shame me. I'm not.
I'm hyping you up. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not chisel like you.

Does anybody's voice go this high when they're not like that?

You can do it.

That's hype, dude.

That's all hype.

Yeah, but I do fine in the arena of the opposite sex,

even though I look like this.

No, but I say I want you to go to the gym for your health.

I don't give a fuck about the weight. Well, I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on a Zimpik.

Please don't do that.

Would you really do it?

I'm asking my doctor to do it. Please don't do that.
I have to do it. Please.
Who's your doctor? Ken? And there goes my career because I'm not as close. No, no, no.
I know. That was a lot, dude.
It was a big laugh. Yeah, it was a funny thing.
Oh, it was a great joke. It was a good joke, but that was a lot.
I know. You know what I mean? I just knew how it would affect you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh.
No, I'm going to get on it. I'm going to get on it because- Please don't do it.
I swear to God. It can't be good for you, dude.
I don't care. I'll die.
Let's go to the side effects. Yeah, let's go.
Oh. Nausea, constipation, you have those already.
Diarrhea, you got it. Dizziness, you got it.
I already looked. I have all of it right now.
But thyroid cancer. I don't have that.
All right. Burping.
Yeah. You do that on the show constantly.
You saw that. What's dysphagia? Dysphagia? Oh, you mean dysphagia right here? Dude, dude.
Ozempic breath. What do we think that smells like? Dude, that was funny.
Thanks, dog. Don't do it again, dude.
Shut up. Do what I want.

It's my show.

Hypoglycemic, blurred vision.

Oh, my God.

All right, look at this.

One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut dysbiosis,

imbalance of bacteria in the intestine that can lead to a variety of digestive problems

and oral health issues such as bad breath.

Okay, okay, okay.

It's fine.

I'm going to do it for like a couple of months.

Please don't.

I have to do it. I look like shit.
And then you know what? Dude. You don't look like shit.
You look wonderful. I just want you to.
You look good. Just walk.
If you walk every day two miles. Listen.
Two miles a day. I went to the truth.
Okay. Yeah.
I was with a girl a couple of months ago. And she goes,

and she saw my naked body.

We were in bed.

She saw my naked body.

Oh, the lights on?

Yeah, the lights on.

They're dimmed.

They're not like these.

And she was looking at it, not in a disgusting way,

but more like, you know,

when you used to dissect frogs

in biology.

Yeah. What is that? Is that supposed to be out like that? She goes, there's something wrong with me.
And I go, why? She goes, because I know who she used to date. I mean, I dated these guys.
And then this is, and I go, I looked at her with my doughy eyes. And I go, I'm so sorry.
And she goes, no, I just don't know why well because you and then as soon as she said that I was like oh a zimpic I had to be on it no she likes your aura she said you're sexy he didn't even fucking he questioned it you can love like a pure bread golden retriever and still adore like a dog from the pound. That's right.
Matt, you think I look like shit? No. No.
Anyway. Don't, Kareem Elvis.
It's so racist. No, it's not.
Yes, it is. For us.
I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east. Yeah, it bums me out, actually, because we have no allies here anymore, man.
No, man. You don't have to live here anymore.
In the entertainment industry, you don't have to live here. Promise me one thing.

We will see you on January 6th.

You're going to come back?

What's January 6th?

Okay.

Dude, when we-

Don't play dumb with us.

When we go to the Capitol again, our yearly trip.

Oh!

Our yearly trip, dude.

Oh, buddy.

The excursion.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Good job, boys.

Why do you think I moved closer?

Come on, now.

You're saying, dude.

Of course.

Get the bricks.

We have some good bricks this time. Now, are you going to break in when who wins? Anybody.
We're there. If anybody wins.
It doesn't matter. It'll be either way.
It doesn't matter. Okay.
I like this. You are much closer.
We could use your house as a hub. We couldn't have his house as a hub.
I love DC. You got a lot of land.
Does anybody live with you or are you by yourself on this? I live with two of my boys and there's another house on my property that I also bought that another friend of mine is going to move into. You would never charge any of these people rent or anything like that? No, of course I do.
Oh, you do? Yeah. It's not a lot, but I believe you still have to have responsibility.
Keep appearances. Otherwise, keep up appearances.
They won the lottery, your friends. Yeah.
Eh. No, because they earned it.
Yeah, but what I'm saying- Yes, but they also earn it. You know what i mean like all of them work for me yeah and they fucking earn that money like it's so great when i can't sleep and i'm up till two o'clock in the morning editing my own shit when i can text my my videographer and be like hey when you wake up if you can see this and he's like dude i'm also up working right now i'm like i fucking love that you still are doing work you're still cutting clips you're not making yeah i i have to cut them because i just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing i mean you know a half second beat can change a joke right so it can just it can lag on i don't trust anybody else to edit it comedically so then i edit it comedically and then i send it to him and he does like the camera switching and the captioning it's funny because we don't do any of that shit we have no idea no we just let them do it i have no idea how to do it i mean i i in theory could learn or i've learned in the past but oh no bro i had i had to go to my friend's house and he had to download premiere pro on my laptop and then i recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do premiere pro and then for like months after i had to watch that video anytime i was that's awesome though wow the fact that you like the fact that you did it though is great i mean that just shows you're still doing it on your own and like I don't have a dog you have a dog no god I'm gonna get a dog gone too much I can't I know that's the thing I could get a little I know but also you're the guys they go on tour with you yeah you gotta get a couple of guys that live there that don't go on tour with you so they can take care of the cat to the two because I know you're gonna get one dog and two cats no i can feel it no no more dogs than cats no he's gonna get one dog you're not you're not gonna like the cats i might get a little farm cat yeah that could be kind of cute you mean an outdoor cat yeah yeah i have three cats they're the best they're all outdoor cats how are they inside well ming just pisses all over every furniture that i have yeah it's awful it awful.
It's awful. Which one's your favorite? Gooner.
Gooner's the best. His name is Gooner? Yeah, do you know why? Why? Well, your little mind can't understand it.
That was so rude. It's not even like a...
You're right. Dude, that was so rude.
He's an Arsenal soccer fan. A what? Arsenal.
Team Arsenal. Is that a soccer team? Yeah.
North London. North London.
North London. Vinge on toast.
North London. Over here, we root for fucking Arsenal.
I'm his friend, I'm me. You know we root for fucking Arsenal.
Anyway. How come you don't play England, Matt? I am in September.
I'm going doing all of Europe. Well, you're coming finally, mate.
I'm coming.

Why are you playing at the O2 Arena?

Not yet.

What are you playing in England?

I don't even know.

It was a bunch of theaters.

The Royal Wonga Donga Palace?

Dude, I want to do Royal Albert Hall more than anything.

Oh, we'll let you in.

We'll have to talk to the Queen.

Get a digger up.

Yeah, we'll dig her up.

Is it all right, lady, if old Matt Rife plays the royal hammer at all? Yeah, you're so good. What a talent.
We'll get you an old plate of bangers and mash, Matt. Dude, we should start a sketch group.
Don't you think we should start a sketch group? No, man. Okay, fuck it, fuck it.
But I want to, can I just say one last piece of advice before I, you know what I mean? More advice. One last one.
Yeah, all right. Okay, last thing is, because you've got to be very picky on what projects you do, okay? No, take them all.
No, no. Yeah, take it from this guy.
I passed on Borderlands. I'm way ahead of you.
This guy's so good. I'm kidding.
They did not offer it. They did not offer it.
No, what I'm saying is, you know, like when Paul Shore, Pauly Shaw was like, he said yes to the first five things.

Yeah, but Encino Man was a hit.

They're all fucking iconic, dude.

Son-in-law.

These are all hits.

I love it.

In the army now, you think that's a masterpiece?

I love it.

Okay, okay.

It actually was a great movie.

I love Pauly.

Sorry.

Are you talking about me, bro?

Don't you?

Are you yawning?

Are you tired from giving people the wrong address?

What's exhausting?

Fucking up your gig?

The amount of times these guys are fucked up. We gave them a raise.
I think we just gave him a raise. He keeps fucking up.
Don't, don't, don't, please. He's going through some personal things.
What? He's going through some personal things. I heard you were going to send him to Spain.
Are you going to get a double mastectomy or no? Yeah, finally. Wait, mastectomy? Yeah, he's got breast cancer.
Look at those titties. You're lying.'re lying you really yeah you for real have breast cancer like not for the bit like do you for real yes he doesn't know how to not do the bit that's you know what by the way good for you yeah i thought that was great yeah it was actually good real yeah yeah he doesn't have titty kiss on cancer you are the only guy i know that is of your weight class and size that has small tits You have nice little tiny B cup tits Yeah they don't point Good for you All my weight's in my stomach Would you prefer it in the tits honestly? I would Maybe the dick Yeah yeah yeah Are you eating like a maniac Are you doing diet bullshit No that's my biggest thing I don't eat enough for sure I have such a fast mentality that's why I work out every day because I don't retain any size are you eating anything fun or no yeah dude I eat fun shit all the time you're not eating just like chicken and vegetables everyday no I do burgers and shit all the time isn't that nice to be that age you can just do that all the time I have a cheeseburger i can't do anything for like a week and a half even acai bowls i can't do anymore no yeah because it's so much sugar so too much my left foot fell asleep yesterday yeah out of nowhere i just for like a whole day my left foot was like asleep yeah i gotta cut it out man yeah my sugar to my sweet tooth has gone through since i put away booze man my sweet tooth you don't drink at all no i don't not drink at all i just i i you know i i just go through phases of when i just stop and then i have a couple and then i stop i do na beers once in a while i like those non-alcoholic beers yeah i love one that's the most alcoholic thing i can imagine drinking well dude to like here i am to like to drink for the flavor but not the results i love it insane i love it i I like the flavor of beer.
I do like the flavor. That's so gross.
See, de-alkalized liquor, terrible. Like bourbon, de-alkalized, that's terrible.
But an NA beer is pretty fucking close to the same thing. Dude, beer tastes like piss, dog.
Well, when you grow up, you'll like it. I'll let you know in eight years.
I got you. Heineken makes a double zero beer that I think is, I don't know what it tastes.
It's so clean and good. It tastes just like that.
And if I'm out with friends, I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked because I just so crazy. I know.
What do you drink, Bobby? When I do cowgirl. Piss.
Cups of piss. When I do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back because my back hurts.
When you're riding somebody? No. Do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on your buddy? No.
When she's on me I have to put a pillow on my back because it hurts my back. Yeah we're getting older.
Enjoy it right now dude. It's all going to break down.
I don't think so. Would you like to drink? I like to drink.
Well I'm in AA. You know that right? You really? Yeah.
For how long? For almost three years. Really? No no it's been two and a half years that's almost good dude thank you man of course and so but you know if I was drinking those fireballs I really liked fireball yeah like the little like like a cinnamon whiskey yeah really I like that those get shit on a lot but they actually taste kind of good I like get those right from the, in Hawaii, they have the little bottles.
I used to drink like 15 of those. All right, that's enough.
No, what? I love that. Remember? Yeah, we do remember.
Yeah, yeah. Because I relapsed when they were in this.
In Hawaii? Well, they saw me in Mexico, and I got drunk, and they had to follow me around, and be my chaperone. You had to send them to rehab.
After Hawaii.

After Mexico.

Oh.

Somebody got shot at the resort next to us.

Remember that in Cancun?

No fucking way.

Yeah.

A tourist?

No, no.

They never kill a tourist.

They kill a local.

Oh, so it was a cartel.

Cartel, 100%. No fucking way.

They walked up to the guy, shot him, and then they walked out casually.

I think they took a mint on the way out. Very smooth.
Yeah, yeah. It was really like they would never hurt a tourist.
It would fuck up their business. That's what I've heard.
But they tried to shut down the resort. Remember this? It was a panic.
And then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab, and he was causing me a lot of anguish. And I was trying to find where he was off to, and he was hiding.
You were hiding? Yeah, well, he was asking other people to buy him booze. And then he got in a fight with me because I wouldn't get him alcohol.
Yeah, yeah. And then he locked himself in his room and he got shit on the wall.
He pooped all over the wall. No, he did not.
Yeah, he did. You shit on the wall? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those are like 15 foot, I mean, all the way up.
That's like a Basquiat thing. It's art.
Yeah, he's an artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not kidding, dude. I opened the door to his hotel room.
There was throw up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, let's move on. there was it looked like it looked like a 180 sprinkler head that's like that's what it was woo the good times nah I'm glad I put you yeah yeah I feel great he's good now yeah yeah was that the was that like the final straw when you decided, I've had a lot of final straws in my life.
I had a final straw at 17.

When I was 30, I had a final straw.

Over my lifetime, I've relapsed and gone that deep.

But this time, I feel like it's sticking.

We've been to rehab three times together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We?

I've put him through rehab.

You've Ubered him to rehab.

Yeah, yeah.

We've taken care of him.

Yeah, take care.

People take care.

Put him where he needs to belong, and that's because I love him so much. That's so cute.
That one in Tucson was the worst. That was the worst.
It was a bad rehab? It was like one of those places where I had to wake up at like 6 in the morning, wait in this line. I'm in like hospital gown, right? And then it's like that Queen's Gambit where they give you like a cocktail of pills.
And I would go, what's in this? And they go, drink it or eat it. And then I would just be a zombie all day.
And there was like no counseling or anything. I was just walking around smoking cigarettes.
Just a mental asylum. Yeah, it was a mental asylum.
And I was there for two weeks. And then one day I just called my agent.
I was like, I'm going to get out of here. You know what I mean? They're dragging me.
You know what I mean? Right. And I got out and I changed facilities.
But that was a weird. Do you guys remember that? It was a weird.
I can't tell what place. You can check yourself out of here you know what I mean they're dragging me you know what I mean and I got out and I changed facilities but that was a weird do you guys remember that it was a weird I can't tell what place you could check yourself out of rehab at any time that one I couldn't because in the middle of the desert and like I didn't know how illegally yes correct yeah I had no money they took away my cell phone they took away everything he was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled.
Huh. But it was too controlled.

But yeah, well, yeah, I mean.

But so I'm smoking cigarettes with a bunch of like 20 young kids in the middle of a soccer field.

And they're just like, what are you doing here, man?

And I'm just like, I don't know, man, you know.

Crazy.

They're like, aren't you on TV?

I'm like, yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like crazy.

Yeah.

Andrew, is there anything you think you're close to addicted to um uh work that's not a bad no he has what howie mandel has he can't stop he always has to be doing something and it's not something it's a real thing yeah probably a sickness like i'll look i'll look at them and go, what? You're going where? What? You know what I mean? Like 24-7. Always doing something.
Yeah, and it's not healthy. No.
Fuck, I probably have that as well. Yeah.
Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off. It was awful.
I was going fucking nuts. I've gotten better at taking time off.
We take vac my wife and i like go we we carve out time to do things but but your work is different than my work my i mean like you're on tour you're grinding you're doing fucking 50 shows a month mine is this job that job this job that job it's just i'm just spreading myself too thin of course. Something you could consider spreading yourself thin.
That hurts. I'm going to give you all the zoom pick.
Beauty is pain. Okay, hey, be my little Korean Elvis.
I'm sorry. Come on.
Give me your... Hey, Memphis.
We're going to win. We're going to win.
We're going to go. Dude, have you ever played Memphis? Yeah, I was just there Maybe a month ago We fucking hated it I love Memphis Are you serious? We didn't like it It's for you They hate us Where'd you play? We played at Elvis' estate At Graceland? Yeah No you did not Yes we did You can play at Graceland? You can play at the stages at Graceland Yeah Oh I'm fucking yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, I'm fucking furious.
I think I did the orphanage. They didn't like us.
They didn't like us. It was like...
They hated us. Was it a live podcast or you did stand-up? No, we did stand-up.
It was like if we were doing a TED Talk about death. Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean? Hey, guys, what death? You know what I mean? Everyone... They were like a fucking zombie.
Everyone in the audience had just lost somebody. That's what it felt like.
That's what it felt like. Like everybody just...
We ate it! We ate it. We ate it.
It was one of the worst shows we've ever done. Oh, no.
And you know what? I should take it back. We don't hate Memphis.
We hated what happened there. Yeah.
We got- Louisville. What happened in Louisville? I like Louisville as well.
Oh, the fly and the food at Chili's? Yeah, the fly and the- But the show was weird. Do you guys have any like stalkers or anything on tour? We had one guy that was fucking in Dallas.
I was at the meet and greet and he was like uh he goes hey man i broke in here yeah yeah yeah what he goes i broke asian guy asian guy yeah he goes i broke sorry he goes i broke in here no no of course not yeah yeah no he goes uh he goes i broke in here man i was like what do you mean he goes i didn't i don't even have a ticket i don't have vip or anything i just broke in he's like this is what i do i have a gopro or something he recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues and so we were like cool man security yeah and what the fuck yeah like why would you admit that yeah does he like post them online i don't know i think he probably does a youtube show or something about it i mean you gotta find it yeah well dude i said to him i go hey man as long as you're cool chill yeah and you're not trying to hurt anybody like fine but like meanwhile don't don't tell anybody that yeah you're gonna get arrested like i'm not gonna arrest you but they're gonna arrest you so i was like don't say anything just get out of here that's fucking terrifying it was weird as fuck that was the only time but him and i though um what my concern was because we had really never toured together before literally never literally had it. So in my mind, I'm like, what is going to affect our relationship or our friendship?

But I don't think it.

I think it strengthened it.

You got to share a room?

No, but we're.

Then you're doing it wrong.

Yeah, I know. You're supposed to share a double tree to a full bed.

Of course.

You've done that with people.

That's what I was doing the beginning of touring.

Yeah, not like the Live Nation tour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like when I was first starting a headline on my own, like the beginning of last year Yeah cause I couldn't Afford to get everybody Their own room yet Right Right But we can You know Fine Yeah so we don't do that You know what I mean No we slept on the bus We lived on the bus Oh you said a bus We didn't get a hotel We were on the bus And I wonder Is it a greyhound? Oh it was It's more like a brown hound. Okay.
Yeah. Not so gray.
It was a brown hound. It was from Mexico.
But the power dynamics. Hey, where are we going, bro? Sorry.
I give him more of the power. What did you do? I give you more of the power dynamics.
You didn't give it to me. I am it.
Yeah, I know what I'm saying. Was there one big room in the back or was it all bunks there's one big room he gets the back room you got the back room i get the bunk yeah a little bunk on the side and how did you how did you uh decide this he did he just called me and said you can have it yeah because i know see these are the things that break up the beatles these are the things that break up like bands and stuff okay yoko dude you know what's you know what's worse than that the smirk you had before thanks thanks i saw yoko entered your brain and then when you said it very good john doesn't hurt as much yeah john let it right here it doesn't hurt as much is john right on his arm wow what's that doing for you gives me my pussy's wet my good pussy's wet my point is no let's, let's cut that out.
But my point is, I have to give him, I'll go, you can do it. You take it.
He likes sleeping in the coffins. Yeah, yeah.
He does. I told my friends the same thing.
I said, it's too much space back there. You guys wouldn't.
Yeah, they don't like it. He likes sleeping in the coffins.
I like that he likes that. He likes it up there.
I like that he likes that. Yeah.
Well, no, he really does. I will say this.
No lie. This is not me saying this to say it.
I've slept in the coffins before, and the coffins are nice because it's just this. It's a light little rock.
In the back, you're like rolling around. It's not as stable.
You got to sprawl out. But look what happened.
Remember what happened to me? Well, that's on Bert's bus. He fell out of the coffin.
No, you fell out of the bunk? Yeah, the bunk, and I hit my head on a ledge, and I had to go to the hospital. Holy shit.
I got nine stitches. Holy little baby.
And I got off the... Really? No, I'm saying I felt banned for you.
Remember when you took a shit, and you got all a bit dizzy? What about that time? You got dizzy from a shit? This guy gets, oh, I'm dizzy. That's the most 40-year-old I should have ever heard.
Pussy. I took a shit, and I hit my head.
Don't call me a pussy, because I'll fight you, and I'll beat the shit out of you. Dude, today, because he's here, it's a dynamic.
What is it? I don't know what it is. Like a white guy thing? No, you and I have this thing that we used to have in the pod is back.
Yeah. And I think he's doing it.
Yeah, well, stick around. There's something you're specifically doing.
There's something about it. Do you think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week instead of me? Yeah, if you guys 50 25 25 well i hate to tell you but uh we're not making that many llamas yeah sad well if these might we look over none of these mics are even plugged in do you have one give a pod no i just don't have the time yeah yeah you'll have one one day don't wish that on me to prey upon my downfall is very funny matt yeah yo we love you to death that was great we're so happy for you um genuinely uh it's well deserved and you've taken everything in stride uh the love the hate all the above and all that stuff comes along with being as popular as you are and good for you and we're stoked for you man i think you're fucking you've always been a great dude since i met you that first time i met you you're 19 years old or whatever it was when i first met it was wild and uh back then you were like one day i'm gonna be a big old stark million that's what you sounded like back then and uh man i'm happy for you, dude.
Dude, thank you so much. So happy for you, bud.

Thank you, dude.

And thank you so much for doing our podcast, really.

Thanks for letting me do it.

Are you fucking serious?

I mean, this is like we've got-

I wanted to do Whiskey Ginger for like five years,

and I never got a text back.

Never.

I'm kidding.

I never hit him back.

You can cut it.

Really?

Never hit him back.

Have you done it before?

No, he's never done it.

No.

Is it still on?

Very good.

Barely. A little dig.
I like it. It's barely on have you done tiger belly what you never heard of a tiger belly the stretch marks yeah i didn't know it's my podcast yeah anyway anyway matt thank you so much all right thank you for being a bad friend thank you for being a bad friend matt love you thank you for being a bad friend, Matt.
Love you. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Oh, my God. Hey.
This is racist. Hey.
Wow. Stop it.
Wow. Keep going.
I love it. I love Asian Elvis so much.

Welcome to Memphis.

Asian Elvis. Yeah, so I did.

Hunk of burning rock. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.