Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Probably you two or something. We're bad friends.
Oh, my God. Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? What are you doing? Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 The dark knight. You're not the dark knight.
Wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 1 He walks in here like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mitt Roth.

Speaker 1 Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince.

Speaker 1 Is this tap? Yeah, we have to refill the bottles. That is true.
We do refill the bottles. Guy sells out arenas, and we give him the wrong address.

Speaker 2 He was waiting right there. I'll pick you up.

Speaker 1 It's sweltering outside.

Speaker 1 What address did you give him? Dude, and I have the funniest Uber driver on the way over. Put on your cans if you want them.
If you don't want them, you don't have to. I'll wear them.

Speaker 2 I'll wear them. Hair is melted anyways.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Beautiful fro. Fancy, do you care to talk about your mistake already? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I knew this was coming. Just a number off.
Just a number off of

Speaker 1 our work address?

Speaker 1 So copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently or share the contact location. Yeah.
We've been here for three years and you let our guest astray five miles down the road.

Speaker 2 Pretty bad. They have Google Maps in every country of them.

Speaker 1 Every country. And by the way, five miles in Los Angeles, a different state.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something.

Speaker 1 He doesn't want to say that he doesn't know.

Speaker 1 He doesn't know what's going on well let's give it up for our beautiful wonderful guest matt rife

Speaker 1 buddy buddy thanks for having me buddy buddy buddy you know um i remember when you were a youngster

Speaker 1 i know dude you were soft and young you know what i mean i know very malleable at the time yeah first of all well he's still young

Speaker 1 i'm a younger though people Are young, but they can also be younger at one point. Yeah.
I feel like you were never young. I feel like you were always Bobby.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you ever had a youthful phase. Dude, I'm youthful now, dog.

Speaker 1 No. No.
No, really?

Speaker 2 No. You look like you sell gremlins now.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's so good. Mogwai.
And I do. Yeah.
And I do have the Mogwai.

Speaker 2 How old were you on Mad TV?

Speaker 1 42.

Speaker 1 I was in my late 20s. For real? Yeah, why? No, you started at 25, right? Isn't that what it was? 23 is what I said.
23. Stand-up? No, no, no.
On Mad TV, 25. I was 30.
Really?

Speaker 1 You looked so young on this. Yeah, he did.
He looked like a little baby.

Speaker 1 I didn't even have hair down there. What? Yeah, yeah.
I got my first hair at 39. Good boy.
Yeah. And Matt, how old are you now?

Speaker 2 I'm 28.

Speaker 1 You and I met, I want to say, tell me if I'm wrong, 10 years ago? Is that how long I've known you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd say so. I've been in LA for 11 years, so 10 sounds like that.

Speaker 1 I met you about nine to 10 years ago.

Speaker 1 Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time. We've watched your ascension and

Speaker 1 couldn't be prouder and happier for a good person

Speaker 1 that got away. You're a good, great comic, good dude.
And when, you know, sometimes, you know, when people, he was blowing up for a second there. Yeah.
I'd hear some girls go, well, he's just hot.

Speaker 1 And I would just be like, no, Dick, he's got a skill set. You can't get there without the skill set.
Right. Because a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business.

Speaker 1 And honestly, I've always thought you were ugly, and you don't do

Speaker 1 that. White dudes like you, it does nothing for me, me, me.
Really? Yeah. Never.
I'm not even nervous right now, Dan.

Speaker 2 Who's your male celebrity crush i i'm more sandy danto

Speaker 1 right here sandy danto y you know what i mean i like pudge a little pudge in there yankee little

Speaker 1 character

Speaker 1 yeah i like the black ones you know what i mean that's reasonable you like the ian edwards you like to think realistic that was the polar opposite of sandy danto i know i'd like to could i have a variety

Speaker 1 there's a variety of men that i like that you like attainable though that's really nice that's that's i think that whoa wait wait wait wait wait i think that you're getting somewhere i don't think you can get ian

Speaker 1 I don't think you can get Ian. I think you can get Ian.
I don't know. You can get Ian though.
Well, first of all, Ian's a vegan, and you're the opposite of the vegan. I can get one of the Ian.

Speaker 1 I get Ian bag.

Speaker 1 I can get Ian and Ian. I can get a Canadian.
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can get Ian McKay. Not Ian McKay.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you spell my name wrong?

Speaker 1 What does it say? Matt Rice. Oh, yeah.
I did that because I love everything's Asian.

Speaker 1 So when I read it, it just...

Speaker 1 Did you do this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fancy.

Speaker 2 Is his name fancy?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not so more. I'm so sorry.
Not so more. What? No, Matt Rice is because of Bobby.

Speaker 1 He dreams in Chinese. I dream in Chinese.

Speaker 1 And with you, he dreams of you.

Speaker 1 Let's be real. You do look a little Asian.

Speaker 1 You do have a little bit of Asian.

Speaker 2 Which country?

Speaker 1 More jungle. Thai? Yeah, yeah.
You look closer to South Asia. Okay.
And it's because your hair is. Your nuts actually are like dumplings.
I thought you were saying I looked pre-op.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 1 I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Do you have even balls or does one hang lower?

Speaker 2 No, one's definitely lower.

Speaker 1 Which one? Do you know? I think the left. Everybody knows.

Speaker 1 I think the left. Left.
I'm pretty sure. Are you left or right? Which one hangs lower? Left or right?

Speaker 1 They're all equal. I'm casing.
You're an equal guy.

Speaker 1 Interesting. What about you? Science.
I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties. I'm righties.
I don't look at the name. Now I'm questioning.
I know, dude. You look down at it.
You can't tell.

Speaker 1 My left nut has always been longer than my right nut. Fuck.
But my skin is thick. My skin's thick.
And it's extra wrinkly. It looks like it's wise.

Speaker 1 No, my nut. Have you seen it? Ask him a question.
Have you seen your sack? Ask a sack. No, but it's so wrinkly.
Is yours wrinkly? Yeah. Yeah, mine's so wrinkly, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you know what it looks like. Remember the aliens?

Speaker 1 On the planet, they had the eggs. Uh-huh.
Yeah. You know, that stuff on the outside.
I think I have that. It kind of looks like Dekembe Mutumbo's head.
Your nutsack. Yeah, let me see.
Let me see.

Speaker 1 Like his bald, wrinkly head. That's a bad one.
A lot of his balls look like Brussels sprouts. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you kind of look at the top of DeKamba. That's my nuts.
I thought that was my nut sac. Yeah.
Whoa. No, when it's shaved.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway.
Go back to the testicle thing. I do want to see.

Speaker 1 Okay, so unilaterally and bilaterally, the left testes is usually lower than the right because of its heavier weight.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we're in the majority, my friend. I like that.
But

Speaker 1 my mind doesn't sag. Can I just show you? Your nuts are tight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, please. Yeah.
Matt, close your eyes.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Matt! Matt, what? I'm not kidding.

Speaker 1 They're the exact same size. No way.
No, they're perfect. For real? Ah, Matt!

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 someone's going to famous on TikTok.

Speaker 1 You do have very parallel nuts. How do you...
Like I said.

Speaker 2 Did it work at it or is this naturally like that?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, I don't use it much.

Speaker 2 Well, you know how you can like, if you, for like a...

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 No, for like a physical, you cough and they go up. Are you able to cough one up higher than the other?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. No.
I think there's only one in there, maybe. Yeah, just full.
It could be just one in the middle. Which side of sense.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Which side?

Speaker 2 Can you look into this? Because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's like you're supposed to be more creative.

Speaker 1 I've heard this. Like left brain, right brain? Yes.
Except the opposite for your balls.

Speaker 2 But still a brain. That makes sense.

Speaker 1 You know how your nose is stuffy on one side and you lean to the other side and then the boogers will go and then you can breathe on that. Yeah, that's what my nose are.
You can do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's what my nets are like that.

Speaker 2 I've just stayed congested. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 No, you know, you've never laid in bed and like, oh, one side is stuffy, so just lay on the other side and then just let the boogers go out. Oh, yeah, you gotta try that.
You gotta try that.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 1 I'm just learning. Lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head.

Speaker 1 And that

Speaker 1 clear me out.

Speaker 1 You just reminded me, dude, when I was going for basketball in high school, they make you go get a physical, you know? You had to get physicals for school.

Speaker 1 And I went to this like janky, you know, I don't know, like a quick, they needed me to go to like a quick dock, someone I haven't been to before. Back before, what do you call it?

Speaker 1 Urgent care was a thing. I went to like a local yokel and I just needed it because practice was the next day.
So I go into this guy. I'm not kidding.
I'm going to go with my dad. I'll never forget.

Speaker 1 He's like, would you like to come in the room? And my dad was like, no, what the fuck? No. Why would I go in the room? He's like, oh, just for safety and security.
And he was like, no, it's fine.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see my son's penis.

Speaker 1 I get in the room. He's like, go ahead.
I drop down. He's feeling around, doing his thing, blah, blah, blah.
Pull it up. I go back out.
We're checking out. He's filling out the forms.
My hand to God.

Speaker 1 He goes, your son's growing up.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Your son's growing up. He had never seen me before.
He didn't know.

Speaker 1 I could have peaked. You know what I mean? I could have already peaked.
He didn't know I was still growing. Whoa.
But he said, your son's growing up.

Speaker 2 I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect. After like the third pitch, I would have been like, should I be in there?

Speaker 1 Yeah. What are you going to do to my son? Yeah.
Yeah. Your son's growing up.
That's what that guy said. He got disbarred.
We sued him.

Speaker 1 Your dad's never seen your penis. Of course, my father's seen my penis.
What are you talking about? But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it. Okay.
Nah.

Speaker 1 Has your father seen your penis?

Speaker 2 My dad's dead, so probably.

Speaker 1 Probably. His ghost.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the one. No, not now.

Speaker 1 As a youngster. Oh, my God.
As a youngster, you saw it, right?

Speaker 2 I don't know. He and my mom weren't even together.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 How old did your dad die?

Speaker 2 How old were you when he died? One and a half.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Well, his dad just died.

Speaker 1 For real?

Speaker 1 I relate. How recently? Four years ago.

Speaker 1 That's not even like just. Yeah.
It's a long time. Yeah.
How old was he? He was like 80. 106.
But so you never knew your dad.

Speaker 2 No, no. He was like, I think he was 21 when he died.

Speaker 1 How did he die? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, let's guess. Oh, let me guess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let me guess. Always love a Let's Guess.
Oh, I know. He was 26?

Speaker 1 21.

Speaker 1 21. Okay, I got it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's yours? 21st birthday. Your dad goes out.
Right? He's partying.

Speaker 1 He's having a good time.

Speaker 1 Somebody goes, what was his name?

Speaker 2 Mike. Mike.
Mike.

Speaker 1 Mike, let's get on a motorcycle. Let's do wheelies.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They're doing wheelies. Yeah.
Really bad accident.

Speaker 1 He's alive. Okay.
He's totally fine. Yeah.
He goes back to the bar, drinks some more, parties,

Speaker 1 picks up a strange man to hang out with to go do

Speaker 1 go root and tooting. Right.
Goes back to the man's apartment. Boom.
Jeffrey Dahmer.

Speaker 2 Whoa. I'm not going to confirm or deny it until Bobby pitches this.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. Oh, mine? Oh, yours is.
I know it fully. What is it? It's almost as if I was there.
Okay. What happened? Fourth of July.
Your dad was naked.

Speaker 1 A bunch of his buddies in the south, Arkansas. In a backyard.
He's not from Arkansas. He's from Ohio.
But he happened to be there on a business trip. Yeah, he was traveling.

Speaker 1 And your parents didn't know. Your mom didn't know.

Speaker 1 What was he selling on the business? He's a salesman, right? Firecrackers. Who's selling firecrackers? It's fourth of July.
State to state. Yeah, yeah.
And he's going to the south to sell this.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's actually a trucking company, right?

Speaker 1 And it's this, the guy, the head of the trucking company's house, he was like, hey, man, your dad was like, hey, man, I have the best firecrackers. So they have a thing.
They get get drunk.

Speaker 1 They're all naked. Right? It's like eight at night.
That's how you sell firecrackers. Right, right.
You know what I mean? And, you know, there's no gay things going on. What? What?

Speaker 1 No one even said that. I know, but I just, they were, they were.
You didn't know my dad. Yeah, I know your dad.
They were like, you know, they're poking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And then your dad, fuck, why he did this? He threw a little firecracker in the air. A sparrow came down.

Speaker 1 Bit the fucking firecracker, right? And started going, doing loopy loops. Uh-huh.
Like, you know what I mean? Like a sparkler in the sky, right? Right. And then your dad was naked.

Speaker 1 He bent over to get on the firecracker. The sparrow goes right into his butthole.

Speaker 2 With the firecracker.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? There's an explosion.
But he doesn't die. Wow.
But it hurts so bad. So bad.
And here's the thing: they all start laughing. No.

Speaker 1 For the trucking company. That's how you agree.
You fuck it. And they say the F-word for some reason.
Yeah, why? I don't know why. Okay.
That doesn't mean he's gay. No.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they spin on him, too. Wow.
I don't know why. That's a south.
Right. But the sparrow's still alive.

Speaker 1 Dude. That's.

Speaker 2 My mom listens to sparrow. My mom listens to every podcast I do.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this can't be the one.

Speaker 1 The sparrow's still alive, dude. It's unbelievable.
It's like a zombie sparrow, right?

Speaker 1 The wings are gone, spine, face, right?

Speaker 1 And out of the left eye of the sparrow comes out a little tapeworm.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. This tapeworm, right,

Speaker 1 has fucking the first case of COVID.

Speaker 1 Way before Wuhan did. A little Chinese tapeworm.
Yeah, in the eyeball of the sparrow. Wow.
What are the odds?

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your dad's ass exploded. He's still alive.
He's still alive, your dad, right? But he's like, call the cops. Strong guy.
He was strong.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 his hands were in the dirt. The earth.
Scratching. Scratching.

Speaker 1 Call the cops. Please.
Or the police. I mean, the ambulance.
He doesn't even know what he's saying. He said cops first.
Uh-huh. Doesn't even know what he's saying because he's so fucking.

Speaker 1 Honestly, right? No, dude. This fucking little fucking

Speaker 1 maggot. Nope.
Yeah. Not a maggot.
Try again. This

Speaker 1 worm. This little worm.
Tapeworm. Tapeworm.
Tapeworm, yeah. You know, in the South, they call it both.
Oh, you do. You're right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 It goes inside the opening of his ass and he gets infected. He dies two weeks later.
Anyway. Wow.

Speaker 1 What really happened?

Speaker 2 It was a fucking Chinese tapeworm.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? From the Arkansas. Yeah, yeah.
How did you know that? Dude, I just fucking know. You read about it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You yes-landed a sparrow in his ass.

Speaker 1 That could have been it. Sounded reasonable.
I know.

Speaker 2 I was so sorry. It was good old-fashioned suicide.

Speaker 1 You're dead. Oh, suicide.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 I know. Oh, good old-fashioned.
Good old-fashioned.

Speaker 2 The American dream, bro.

Speaker 1 Was he depressed?

Speaker 1 No, he was stoked. He was fucking.
Yeah, he was a happy suicide.

Speaker 2 Got a new gun.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He is on some uppers. I know.
I mean,

Speaker 1 see you later, son.

Speaker 1 My God. Was he happy? Yeah, he was amped.
What I was asking.

Speaker 1 I'm walking on sunshine. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Jesus. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I was rude.
That's it. Yeah, what I'm saying is that sometimes, you know.
No. Yes.
If he was drunk, right? He wasn't. And he was thinking right, then maybe, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 That's what I was asking. So he had you at 20 years old.
Yes. Wow.
And unfortunately, it took his own life a year later. I'm so sorry, man.

Speaker 2 I want to believe that didn't have anything to do with it.

Speaker 1 It did. And it almost every day.
It almost certainly did. Yeah.
Had he known you'd be selling out arenas. He would have waited.
Probably would have waited. Yeah.
Would have stuck around.

Speaker 1 I would think so.

Speaker 2 There's also a theory, my own theory, right?

Speaker 2 He's not even on the birth certificate because he didn't think I was his.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 he and my mom weren't officially dating. But did you think your mom was hooking up with other guys? Yeah, he definitely thought she was.

Speaker 1 She swears on Ricky Lake.

Speaker 2 I don't think I look anything like my dad

Speaker 2 at all. And my mom always tells me I look like this guy she dated in high school, like before she met my dad.

Speaker 1 Well, to get a DNA test. I've thought about it.
You got to. I've thought about it.
Dude, you got to get a DNA test at the 23.

Speaker 2 And now it's like, but I don't want to like, now that I'm at where I'm at in my life now, I don't want to like go and tell this guy, hey, by the way, you got a golden ticket.

Speaker 1 No, you don't give him money.

Speaker 1 He doesn't get shit. Well,

Speaker 1 he earns it.

Speaker 1 He earns it.

Speaker 2 But it's like, what could I use him for at this point?

Speaker 1 Made. Tour manager.
Tour manager. Not a bad idea.
Sneaker cleaner.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 can I say? Let me just say something to you, Matt. Okay.

Speaker 2 That was the grossest way I've ever seen Telephone in my life.

Speaker 1 Jesus. I don't cry.

Speaker 2 So, anyway.

Speaker 1 Like you were drinking it from a hose. Okay, come on.
Let's move on. The fact that you guys have won any gold medals is insane to me.
Yeah, yeah. We ping pong.
Etsy, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, congrats, by the way, ping pong was huge. That's huge.
A bow and arrow, too. Archery.
Archery, yeah. Yeah, we kill it.
Yeah, you did okay. Okay, anyway, can I ask?

Speaker 1 How many gold medals does Korea have right now? Oh, my God. Are you Korean? Yeah.
For now. Fuck off.
21 total medals, nine gold. Yeah, it's amazing.
Yeah, it's pretty good. Isn't that amazing?

Speaker 1 It's not American. Amen.
33. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What'd you say? Britain.
Britain has 33. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 U.S., 61 medals.

Speaker 1 Come see about us. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know who's in first?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but we're also the size of Delaware.

Speaker 1 It's Korea? Yeah. What does that have to do with it? It's a small country, dude.
So what? Go back up to the top. Yeah.

Speaker 1 France isn't fucking that big.

Speaker 2 No. France is not big at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Is it bigger than Korea, though? Everything is. Everything's bigger than Korea.
Okay. No.
Okay. Anyway,

Speaker 1 I forgot even what I was going to ask Matt, man. You were talking about his dad.

Speaker 2 How did your dad die?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Choked on a piece of kimchi.

Speaker 1 It was awful to watch.

Speaker 1 He was there. He wouldn't do the Heimlich or anything.

Speaker 1 Albo choking. I thought he was saying, I'm joking.

Speaker 1 Because we were just fucking around the whole time we were eating.

Speaker 1 I'm on token.

Speaker 1 I'm a dog. But what I'm saying, let me go.
This is a serious point.

Speaker 1 He died of natural causes. He died of natural charge.
But

Speaker 1 let me get to this point. Please.
So, one of my favorite shows I've talked about, I know you guys are bored that I talk about all the time, but Long Lost Family. I know, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because there's an episode of Have you seen it? I've never even heard of it. It's on TLC.
It's one of the greatest shows I've ever made. It's pretty incredible to watch.
It's incredible.

Speaker 1 It's it about it's about either someone that was adopted or somebody that gave up a kid for adoption. They try to find them and they reunite.
And it's super sweet. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So there was this one girl on it. I think it was the first season.

Speaker 1 She's from California. Am I boring you? No, dude.
I'm listening.

Speaker 1 I just don't like the way you do that. Okay.
Well, you go like that. I was burping.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to start over. So anyway, so this is a girl, right? And when she was like 19 years old, some guy said, what, you're Italian.
She said, I'm not Italian. You look at your face.

Speaker 1 You're Italian. So she went to to home.
She goes, This guy said that I'm Italian. I'm not Italian.
And then her mom goes, Well, your dad's really not your real dad. And told her that.

Speaker 1 Oh, that would kill you, man. It would kill you.
She would just keep lying. Yeah.

Speaker 2 At some point, you would say, No, you're not fucking Italian.

Speaker 1 I think she would, the mom was holding in for so long. And it was like she was waiting for a window, and that was the window.
It was killing her. It was killing her.

Speaker 1 So, and then the girl freaks out, like, what the fuck? And she's like, yeah, I mean, she, that's your dad. She, he loves you like, you know.
Yeah. She's like, yeah, but I want to.

Speaker 1 So then 20 years later, this show comes about and she's like, I'm going to try to find this guy. And he knew, so she

Speaker 1 had an animal sanctuary in California, and she raised llamas.

Speaker 1 You love Santuarius. Any story with a Santuari.

Speaker 1 A Santuari?

Speaker 1 A sanctuary? Yeah, we're working on it. We're working on it.
We're working on it.

Speaker 1 And so...

Speaker 1 So they find the guy, right? And he's like a park ranger in Oregon, and he has an animal sanctuary. No way.
Yeah, yeah, center of blood. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying is, is that, you know, they, and then they, when they met, they look exactly alike. And they just, you can see in the show, they're just bonded.
Like, it was an instant.

Speaker 1 So beautiful. You're right.
And so it's like, she's not going to go. He's not going to go, hey, can I have some of your llamas? Like, that's your parent, man.

Speaker 1 Right. No, they just want to meet.
Yeah, but. Yeah.
I mean, so what I'm saying is, is that, because she has a bigger sanctuary than he does, right?

Speaker 1 You know, he's not going to go, give me some of your fucking, you know, marsupials. He might.
Yeah, yeah. I don't think that's a good thing.

Speaker 1 He's got a lot of got a lot of platypus right so what i'm saying if you find your biological dad you just want to meet him and you who knows there might be a connection he might he's not gonna ask for anything how do you know you're like you you you're assuming that that's like you don't know because then if he does i'm you know let me put my fucking smart hat on okay okay so

Speaker 1 it didn't work you you

Speaker 1 yeah with your hair up front you look like that kid from up little

Speaker 1 what with your hair coming to the front, you look like a little fat kid from up. Oh, really? Yeah, that kid.
That's exactly what you look like right now. So fucking cute.
Yeah, I'm so cute.

Speaker 1 You are so cute. That's you.
Oh, yeah. That's 100% you when your hair goes up.
Wait, wait, wait, let me see if I can do that, kid. That's you.
That's you. That's you, dude.
Adorable, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, so adorable, dude.

Speaker 1 But I fuck like a machine.

Speaker 1 And I have to throw that out there. So, so,

Speaker 1 I just know everyone, I'm cute. But ladies, I fuck like a machine.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 did you ever, did you ever get a, did you ever get a backup dad?

Speaker 2 Did you ever get a backup dad? Yeah, I had a stepdad.

Speaker 1 Stepdad, yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Is he still around?

Speaker 2 No, he and my mom got divorced like probably six, seven years ago, something like that.

Speaker 1 Now, is she going to swing again, your mom, or do you think this is it?

Speaker 2 Oh, she's dating a new guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
She's dating a new guy. Would she get married for the third time, you think?

Speaker 2 Oh, she was never married the first time. Okay, right.

Speaker 1 Second time. What we're basically trying to ask you is: if she was single and I'm single, can I go out with her? Because your mom and him might be the same age.

Speaker 1 How old is your mom? Oh, no.

Speaker 2 My mom's 48.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're fucking 52.

Speaker 1 I'm older than his mom. Your mom's 48? Yeah.
I'm 52. I know.
God, dude, I'm

Speaker 1 not the same age as your mom.

Speaker 2 First of all, you could never.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could never. No, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 She's an angel.

Speaker 1 No, stop. Stop, stop.
No, she wouldn't. No, just stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Everyone, stop, okay?

Speaker 1 Because what he just did. Maybe you stop, honestly.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I know he's a big star.

Speaker 2 He said you can't be. My show.

Speaker 1 My show, dude. Okay, dude, your show.
All right. You're the captain.
All right, so can we listen to that? I am a decaptain now.

Speaker 1 You are the captain. All right, so what I'm asking you, Mr.
Rif, is that I ain't good enough for your mom dog.

Speaker 1 What is that? I know. I just

Speaker 1 South Korean. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, I ain't good enough for your mom, dog.

Speaker 1 No, he's from Ohio. She doesn't smoke American spirit.

Speaker 1 Okay. She smokes marble light.
Marble light.

Speaker 1 But if I called you and I said, yo, dude, Matt, your stepdad, Bob, that would feel weird. Yeah.
Yeah. But why? I'm a good dude.
No, you're not.

Speaker 1 Nope, you're not. Yes, I am.

Speaker 2 Okay, what do you think you could offer me as a father figure? This is good. This is like Shark Tank.

Speaker 1 Okay, what I can offer you is spiritual guidance.

Speaker 1 Spiritual guidance? Yeah, spiritual guidance. Did I stutter dog? I did.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you couldn't be my dad, possibly.

Speaker 2 What could you teach me about spiritual guidance?

Speaker 1 Like you teach me how to Well, I don't know what the problem is right now, dude.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm lost. Maybe I'm lost.

Speaker 1 What are you lost about?

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm trying to navigate who I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1 Okay, what I would say. What would you offer? I would sit.

Speaker 1 Well, what I would sit down with you is right now is

Speaker 1 seriously an exercise. And I said just put your hands on wherever the surface of that.
Of this pool floating. Yeah, pool floating.
Yeah. And just really feel the texture, the temperature of it, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it feels plasticky. Feel your feet.
You're grounded, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, one of them.

Speaker 1 The smells right now, right? Whatever you're smelling, even the office smell, right?

Speaker 2 Edamame.

Speaker 1 Exactly. A little edamame, right? The air conditioner, you can hear that little purr, right? Yeah, it's a window.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 And all those senses right now really just kind of fucking cling on to those fucking senses.

Speaker 1 Right now, that's the only thing that exists now. The present? The present moment.

Speaker 1 Is it working?

Speaker 2 Is it working? It's actually pretty good. Is it working?

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. What I'm saying is that, Matt,

Speaker 1 you see one side of me, but there's many sides to Namaste Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Namaste

Speaker 1 Lee. And I have other knowledge and wisdom that I could give you, but you're not just open.
You're not open to it, right?

Speaker 1 So for you to say that I'm not good enough for your mother is quite frankly rude. By the way, a spiritual, an aggressive, passive-aggressive spiritual coach is so funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man, no funny, dude. Passive aggressive.

Speaker 2 What kind of toxic Mr. Miyagi shit is this?

Speaker 1 Do you feel that?

Speaker 1 For you to even think. All right, all right, dude, all right.
All right.

Speaker 1 I won't, I won't, I won't. I won't.

Speaker 1 His mom gaslit me in my own theater yeah i don't i know i know his mom is an angel i know she is but you know it's just rude for him to say that it's not it's his mom

Speaker 2 it's not it's not that i think she could do better

Speaker 1 i do

Speaker 1 how about this okay no here's what i'm afraid of as a third-party viewer of all this uh-huh

Speaker 1 you're gonna come in there try to get into this family because you want some of his llamas

Speaker 1 i got llamas too though you don't have as many llamas as he does but i got llamas old llamas buddy your farm from different countries your farm farm needs a new fence. Okay.

Speaker 1 This motherfucker has acreage.

Speaker 1 Okay, can I just say. You understand? Yeah, when it comes to llamas, though, right? All you need is a certain amount of llamas to survive.
Yeah, you were worried about selling out stand-up live, okay?

Speaker 1 So you're, you know what I'm saying? That's a

Speaker 1 comedy club? Yeah, guy's doing fucking arenas. I think he's got a couple of more.
A couple more llamas. Yeah, but we sold out.
So we did sold out, but it's just different. We?

Speaker 1 Yeah, together. Together, yeah.
Together, oh, really? Oh, really? Bruce Marshall.

Speaker 1 All right, all right.

Speaker 1 You're a solo artist. Fine.
Let's move on. Was Bobby on Dave? I can't wait till the E-Street band leaves you, Matt.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we go back to...

Speaker 1 So, Matt, what I'm saying is that

Speaker 1 the guy that your mom's dating now, not that I want to destroy their relationship.

Speaker 1 But what I'm just hypothetically saying is that you've met him before? Yeah. You like him.
So let me already bet this.

Speaker 1 I might have more llamas than him. You probably do.
Yes. Okay.
Way more credits. I'm looking at my MD.
Has he been on TV or film?

Speaker 2 He was in jail, so probably cops. Hey, yeah, yeah.
Truth's a good show.

Speaker 1 That's a good show. Highly ready show.
Bad boss. Yeah, yeah.
I love that show.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 I've never cheated anybody. Good.
That's a truth. That's good.
That's a good thing. I always pay for meals.
Good. That's a good thing.
Okay. Two for two.
Calendar and whatnot. And guess what, pal?

Speaker 1 For your birthday,

Speaker 1 you get not something that has a price tag to it, but something ingenious.

Speaker 1 And something that you're going to go, you know what? I'm going to put this on my mantle.

Speaker 2 It's an origami towel.

Speaker 1 You should see this guy make a swan on a bed. Yeah, yeah.
It's unbelievable. No, I would be very mindful about making you something that you're going to go, oh, that was, you know, really thoughtful.

Speaker 1 So that's it. Wow.
I threw my pitch.

Speaker 1 What do you think?

Speaker 1 Man.

Speaker 1 Man. All right.
All right.

Speaker 2 I'm out.

Speaker 1 You know why you're saying that? And let's move on. It's because I'm Korean.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, you're being racist. That's not true.
That's not, that's not.

Speaker 2 I'm getting it, I guess. That's not true.

Speaker 1 Let's move on. Yeah, yeah.
Are you s- Well, my mom's single. Are you single right now? I am.
Oh, you are? Good for you. Oh, my mom's single.

Speaker 2 How old's your mom?

Speaker 1 80. Ageless.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ageless.
But her vag, 23.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, yeah. Reconstructive or?

Speaker 1 Just oils and stuff. It's essentials.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 She just burns everything. Pearl, pearl, pearl juice.
She lives in a genie lamp. You got to rub the lamp to get her out of there.

Speaker 2 Do you think your mom would ever date again?

Speaker 1 Before you get away from yourself,

Speaker 1 it's dead. The shop's closed.
We'll see. Yeah, there's no more Mongolia.
Old Rickety Gate down there. Yeah, it's rickety.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the last time I talked to you,

Speaker 1 you were in a relationship. Yeah.
And then who broke up with who? We broke up. Together.
Mutually. Yeah, that's the best answer I've ever heard.
We broke up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you what? Because, you know, I have a checklist of what I like in a woman. Okay.
So can I ask you some checklists?

Speaker 2 By all means.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So from scale to one to 10, what's the number, the lowest number you'll go?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 1 in terms of looks like just physically, aesthetically. Aesthetically, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're talking like LA numbers or like genuinely right now.

Speaker 1 Real world numbers.

Speaker 2 Real world numbers. In Ohio 8, I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great. Yeah.
Yeah, that's my standard. In Ohio 8.

Speaker 1 Ohio 8. That's great.
Does she need a college education?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Okay. Do you have a college education? I didn't even graduate high school.
Yeah, he didn't finish high high school. Do you have a GED?

Speaker 2 I have what's equivalent to a GED.

Speaker 1 Can we order him a GED, please? Yeah, this is something that you can get him.

Speaker 2 Get him on Amazon Prime?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can. Yeah, we can get it the same day if we order a before.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, she says to you, Matt,

Speaker 1 I hate all animals. Ooh.
Tough.

Speaker 1 That's really tough. That

Speaker 2 hates them.

Speaker 1 I mean, she says, I just like, if I'm around, I'll touch him and stop. But it's like, I'll never own a dog cat.

Speaker 1 Let's be two candidates for him. And you be that girl, I'll be this girl.
And we'll see who. Okay.
We'll see who. Well, let's start from the beginning because I want to introduce myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go ahead. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Hello. Pass.

Speaker 1 Hey, man. No, I'm sorry.
Go ahead. Yeah, just disregard this.
I'm a Ohio 8. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Just visualize it, Ohio 8, right? Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My name is Shuki Shuki.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And my last name is Shaka.

Speaker 1 So I go by Shuki Shuki Shaka.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Junior. Anyway,

Speaker 1 so I

Speaker 1 never went to college. I don't have an accent.
I don't want to have an accent. You do.
Shut up. Shuki Shuki, you do.
I don't want one. Okay.
Because I don't think you like it. All right.

Speaker 1 I might like it. No, no, I just want to do this.
I'm Shuki Shuki Shama. Okay.
All right. Okay, Shuki.
Yeah. All right.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, so I never went to college, but it's like

Speaker 1 I really don't have any dreams or aspirations. And I hate animals.
Like if I see a llama or if I see like a mongoose or something, I'll go, oh, look, there it is.

Speaker 1 And I might like touch it, but it's like, I have no connection. I've never connected with an animal.
And I just think the animals are out there for eating.

Speaker 2 You won me at the end.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Big fan of eating animals.
But also, I feel like animals kind of connect with your soul a little bit. So to have never connected with an animal is a bit of a

Speaker 1 bit of a red flag, a little bit. But I have a talent.
And what's that? And I make sculptures out of pine cones.

Speaker 2 What's the scale of these pine cones?

Speaker 1 i use maple syrup because i'm canadian as well

Speaker 1 shookie shookie the canadian

Speaker 1 the canadian and i do this art with the pine cones and needles pine needles all right yeah and i like a girl who sells shit on etsy and the last one i did was of one i did a big sculpture of brian fairy from of what brian fairy the lead singer of roxy music

Speaker 1 you described it and somehow i knew less so and also tautow

Speaker 1 The band Toto? No, Tauto, the dog.

Speaker 2 From

Speaker 1 Wizard of Oz. Yeah, it's like a brine fairy and Tauto is on his shoulder.
And the

Speaker 1 other one, right, is Jaime.

Speaker 1 Jaime. From Harry Potter.
What's her name? Hermione? Hermione.

Speaker 1 Jaime.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it made Hermione out of all pine needles. I'm back in.
Yeah, it just doesn't look spiky.

Speaker 2 What's your Harry Potter house?

Speaker 1 My Harry Potter house? Yeah. Well, you know, it's like

Speaker 1 I don't do Dumbledore.

Speaker 1 You think the house is Dumbledore?

Speaker 1 Well, I fucked him when I was there.

Speaker 1 I fucked Dumbledore, which is he's old. But no, Hufflepuff.
Okay. I'm Hufflepuff.
Okay, that's pretty cool. Yeah, Ravenclaw.
I kicked out a Ravenclaw. You know what I mean? But Hufflepuff for sure.

Speaker 1 Who's this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, who's this fine piece of meat?

Speaker 1 Whoa. First of all, hey.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 we've met. We've met.
Suki Tsu Shaka, remember, so go ahead. I'm Martha.

Speaker 1 I'm 6'8 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 I like sushi.

Speaker 1 I have never wiped once, poop or pee.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in matching shoes.

Speaker 1 I drive a Geo Metro.

Speaker 1 I live in Acton.

Speaker 1 Acton? Acton.

Speaker 1 Acton, Ohio. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I'll suck your bone dry.

Speaker 2 Sold.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 It's literally all it took.

Speaker 1 Wow. It's pretty easy.
All it took. So the sucking bone dry is good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 No pine cones. Just get

Speaker 2 it.

Speaker 1 She has a dream, you fuck face. Ew.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to support my own. No, I know, but you're not.
You don't want somebody that has a dream, fuck nard? No. No.

Speaker 2 All right. No, preferably they have a dream.

Speaker 1 Here's what I don't like. When I'm going on a date and I go, what do you want to do? And they're like,

Speaker 1 I don't, nothing.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 That's such a turnoff. What do people, like, you know what's interesting? You get, I'm sure you're a very eligible bachelor, right?

Speaker 1 What are you now doing? Because you're not on the apps. What are you doing to meet people now?

Speaker 2 I don't meet anybody.

Speaker 1 So you just are. I don't date.
If it's organic and you meet through a friend or through the grapevine.

Speaker 2 I suppose, but dude, I'm.

Speaker 1 But you're out. For now, you're not interested.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not interested in anybody. Well, good for you.
I just, I can't.

Speaker 1 Stay working. Actually, but be careful on the work part.
Do you remember what I told you at Burt's Premiere? Do you remember when I pulled you aside and what I told you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, don't go to Bobby's house.

Speaker 1 Don't go to Bobby's house.

Speaker 1 Verbatim.

Speaker 2 What did you say at Burt's Premiere?

Speaker 1 I said to you, I'm proud of you. I'm happy for you.

Speaker 1 And I said, just don't let them work you to death.

Speaker 2 And they sure did.

Speaker 1 And then within like a month, we were in

Speaker 1 Riverside or some shit. And this motherfucker announced like a three-year tour.
I'm like, they got his ass.

Speaker 1 I'm good, dude. Yeah.
How are you feeling touring as much as you are?

Speaker 2 Well, I had to take two weeks off because I almost, I thought I was going to fucking die.

Speaker 2 I went seven straight days without a single minute of sleep whatsoever. Wow.
And I was doing this casino in,

Speaker 2 is it Sun Valley in NorCal?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe.
I don't know if you're doing it. One of those casinos up there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure. And I was on like four days of no sleep.
And I'm sitting down. I have this fucking wireless hands-free mic now.
Yeah. I'm one of those.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like holding on.

Speaker 2 I'm sitting down the whole time

Speaker 2 holding on to the stool, like trying to keep myself from like falling over. I can't look out into the crowd.

Speaker 2 My vision's just going so in and out. I'm like, if I just get through this, I have three days off before my next show.
I'll just rest.

Speaker 2 I didn't sleep for those entire three days. Why? So then when I just, I couldn't sleep.

Speaker 1 But what did I say that you can't sleep? I'm glad you didn't remember it because it was a good piece of advice. But I did mean it when I said it to you because I'm being genuine.

Speaker 1 I've known you for so long. I've seen your career.
It's been wonderful. You've been humble the whole time.
You've been a gracious dude.

Speaker 1 You've worked through all sorts of bullshit, a lot of up and downs. From a perspective that America may may not know.
You know, I've seen you do the gambit.

Speaker 1 I've seen you run the gambit from a, from, from a, from a very low, low level that I saw you at when you first started and you were young. And I think what's wild is people think,

Speaker 1 well, this is what you asked for. But what I meant when I said that to you was because we're a little older.
I've seen it before. And I was like, just don't let them run you into the ground.

Speaker 1 And of course, they ran you into the fucking ground. And we had heard because we know.
your old team or and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 And when you announced all that shit, I thought, you got to be careful, dude, because they'll work you till you break. You're also allowed to say no.
You're allowed to say no.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that at the time. When you're used to having nothing and hearing no, no, no, no, no.
And then you're getting all yeses. Of course, you don't know how to.
When they're offering you

Speaker 2 a paycheck for one show that's more than you've ever made in your entire life combined.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who in their right mind knows how to do it? I get it.

Speaker 1 Dude, trust me. I told you.
I get it. And I said, go get your thing, but also,

Speaker 1 you have to watch out for you because you will have an emotional breakdown. Of course.
Theo's talked about it. We've talked to Theo about it.

Speaker 2 He called me just the other day.

Speaker 1 He's had big, heavy hits where he it's tough. Sometimes if you're just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Speaker 1 This is not, this is, this goes away. Oh, bro.

Speaker 2 You lose your shit. The last year and a half, I've been doing 40 to 50 shows a month.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.
Yeah, it's been a long time.

Speaker 1 Do you owe the mafia a bunch of money? What is going on? What are you doing? Gambling problem?

Speaker 2 I thought I could handle it.

Speaker 2 I really thought I could do it.

Speaker 1 I promise you can't.

Speaker 2 Apparently, I couldn't.

Speaker 2 When I had to take these two weeks off from shows, it was fucking brutal. I never thought I was going to have to do that, but I was just like, I cannot possibly fucking perform.

Speaker 2 And it was because I was on a tour bus for nine months. So every day was Groundhog Day, right?

Speaker 2 I would perform till two o'clock in the morning, stay awake till five or six, then try to go to bed, couldn't sleep. So I'd sleep till like 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 I'd stay on the bus, which was wrapped, so basically blacked out, until like 4 p.m., just meetings, writing, whatever. I'd go outside.

Speaker 2 I'd see the sunlight for like two minutes a day, walking to the gym and walking back. And then I'd do the shows and repeat.

Speaker 2 So when I had to come back here and take all these doctor's appointments, they were like, oh, dude, on top of it, you have like severe insomnia and like really bad anxiety.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you've ever talked to anybody about this before, but it's not even that you have a bad circadian rhythm. You don't even have one at all.

Speaker 2 It's like, you know, when you have a baby, you have to like teach your baby when it's supposed to go to sleep, like what nighttime is, right?

Speaker 2 That's all based on sunlight. I never knew that.

Speaker 2 I knew sunlight was good for like vitamin D or whatever, and good for like your immune system, but I had no idea it had to do with your sleep clock as much.

Speaker 2 So my body and brain had no idea when it was supposed to go to sleep ever.

Speaker 2 So So I had to like, those two weeks off, I had to like retrain my brain to like be like, okay, stick to some kind of loose schedule at least a little bit. And new meds.

Speaker 1 Are you staying clean outside of that, though? Do you know you're not a big drinker, drug user? You don't do any of that stuff.

Speaker 2 I don't really drink unless I'm like, I mean, maybe like, maybe four times a year, I'll drink out of it.

Speaker 1 But stay off of it because that's the one thing that I think gets people. You're on the road and you think, well, I'll I'll do this'cause this will help.

Speaker 1 Or I'll pop a pill or take a drink or smoke or and it's that's when it starts to spiral, especially when your case when you're like just constant, constant, constant, constant.

Speaker 1 So it's good to stay away from it. But also, Matt, um, serious note, I'm gonna put on my serious hat.
Okay,

Speaker 1 um, it's about longevity, too, you know.

Speaker 2 Of course, you know, that's the hard part.

Speaker 1 Him and I have been, we've been around for a long time, you know. Him longer than me.

Speaker 1 How old are you, Sansina? 40. He's 40.
Yeah, I'm 52. Wow.
But I've looked 40 since you met me. I mean, I started when I was 23.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And since the 90s, all the way to now, and it's like, and there was a lot of opportunities I didn't get.

Speaker 1 And also, I admit, I was never like the kind of

Speaker 1 what you got, you know what I mean? I never got. What?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Well, you were never.

Speaker 1 Dude, dude.

Speaker 1 You're being so fucking rude right now. It makes me so fucking mad.
You were never hot. That's not even what I'm fucking talking about right now.
You were never hot. No shit.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 No shit. You didn't get a phone call.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, you make me so.

Speaker 1 You haven't made me this mad since the early days, dude. Good, dude.
Yeah, no, fuck you, dude. Shut up.
Back to all you. Fuck you, porky.

Speaker 1 God damn. God damn.
This is so hot.

Speaker 1 Anyway. Yeah, you never got these opportunities.
But you got said amazing thing.

Speaker 2 But you had amazing opportunities.

Speaker 1 I've done a lot of great things.

Speaker 1 You have. But what I'm saying is that

Speaker 1 it's just know that you're always going to work. I think the thing in our minds is like, if I don't do it now, it's going to disappear.
It's not.

Speaker 1 Now, it comes about in different forms.

Speaker 1 You might do.

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 Oh, you might do bigger things. Right.
Or you might, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 There'll be a couple of slim years, but trust me, you will have,

Speaker 1 you'll come back, and then you'll back. And that's what life is.
Like this. Are you okay? No.

Speaker 1 Fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 It's like this, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, the roller coaster, the roller coaster. Back and forth like this.

Speaker 2 This feels racist even.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what, you know.
That's the inside of your grandfather clock.

Speaker 1 I need to drink some water, hold on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you need to get your sleep schedule right because it's healthy for you, dude, to get back to square one.

Speaker 1 Then you you get healthy physically and mentally because I think the mental thing is what you're in the gym all the time, but that's not helping this thing.

Speaker 2 No, of course.

Speaker 1 Just because you're getting in shape, staying in shape, it's not going to help your brain.

Speaker 2 And a lot of people don't understand. It's like, okay, you get to this point.
What is there to be anxious about? Like, you made it, right? But it's like, okay, well, how you keep making it?

Speaker 2 It's easy to have like a hot. couple of years, but then you go, okay, the anxieties of like, okay, am I ever going to have money to like support a family or anything like that? That's that's cool.

Speaker 2 That's taken care of. But it's like, what's how hard this moment is right now? I go, fuck.
Like, what's the next 60 years?

Speaker 1 Well, but who cares?

Speaker 1 I would say this. I'd say the one thing I would say is

Speaker 1 if you're not enjoying it, no matter what you acquire, will never be worth it.

Speaker 1 That was no matter what you consider, no matter what comes, if it's not fun anymore and it's just work for the prospective future of the hope that I'll be settled at some point, you're never going to, you're going to lose your mind and you'll get there and you'll be miserable as fuck.

Speaker 1 You'll have whatever you need, and you'll go, fuck, this sucks. I don't even like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 there would definitely be times in doing, you know, 10 to 14 shows a week that I'm like, there was nothing that upset me more than whenever I would go, I don't feel like performing.

Speaker 2 It's like, dude, you have a theater full of fucking people right now, but you would have killed to just have one of these shows like this ever in your lifetime, and you didn't feel like doing it because it just felt like Groundhog Day over and over again.

Speaker 2 So the best part was like having my friends around to remind me of that and make the entire experience as fun as humanly possible.

Speaker 1 How many people do you take on the road?

Speaker 2 There's my videographer, my photographer,

Speaker 2 two openers.

Speaker 1 Two people. Same two guys?

Speaker 2 Yeah, host and a feature. I keep the same host, and then my features just kind of.
Rotate?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it depends.

Speaker 2 I just said Eric Griffin was with me in Atlantic City.

Speaker 1 Hosting? Not featuring. Let's move him down to host.
Happily. Yeah.
Let's move him to host.

Speaker 1 He loves you so much. He loves you so much.
Yeah, he talked about you last night. I ran into him last night.
Oh, really? Yeah, he was talking about you you and Bobby.

Speaker 1 So you know who Guy Torrey is? Yeah. So Guy Torrey once told me, he goes, you know why I'm happy? I go, why?

Speaker 1 In my career, he goes, I don't have like the amount of money that some of these other guys have, but every year, there's certain milestones and markers that I look for.

Speaker 1 And it's, am I doing something different than I did last year?

Speaker 1 Right? Because the whole thing about this business is about surprise and living life experiences. And Matt, you know, maybe you'll spend a year maybe doing a movie.

Speaker 1 You have, you have some movies coming out, right?

Speaker 2 Right now, you already shot some? No, we've got like

Speaker 2 six in development for that. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Once those start, those, then you're going to be in a town for a month and a half doing that and meeting different actors and doing that creatively. You're going to do different things, right?

Speaker 1 So just as long as every year you're mixing it up and not just constantly touring, because then that would be, that's like a sad life. You'll burn out.
Of course. You'll burn out.

Speaker 1 You'll just burn out. And we don't want you to burn.
I think that was pretty good advice. That was really good advice.

Speaker 2 That was really good advice. Thank you.

Speaker 1 All right. I need to ask this because I know, and I know it's not a favorable conversation, but

Speaker 1 I am curious.

Speaker 1 You have become very successful since we've seen you on this rise. Have you spoiled yourself? Have you done something where you're like, I bought a thing and I did a thing

Speaker 1 and I never could do it before?

Speaker 2 I bought my mom a house was the first thing I did. Great.

Speaker 1 Great at Class Act. Class Act.
Class Act.

Speaker 2 I just bought my first house.

Speaker 1 You bought her house first? Yeah. You're a class act.
What city did you buy it at?

Speaker 2 Mine or hers? Hers. Hers?

Speaker 2 She's in Georgia outside of Atlanta.

Speaker 1 Book a flight.

Speaker 1 Okay, good to know. Just give us the address.
Yeah, yeah. No.
And then you bought one here in L.A.?

Speaker 2 No, no, I don't live here anymore.

Speaker 1 I live in Rhode Island. Wow.
Why?

Speaker 2 This city's dead, dude.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 2 This city's so, there's no energy. Drive down Sunset.

Speaker 1 You heard it here first.

Speaker 2 On a weekend night, there's no traffic.

Speaker 1 Why'd you pick Rhode Island?

Speaker 2 It wasn't even the top 10 places I I looked, trust me.

Speaker 2 There was three things on my checklist. I wanted land.
I wanted to get what I was actually fucking paying for. And I found this massive place for probably the same price as a two-bedroom with no yard.

Speaker 1 Yeah, two-bedroom, one-bath. Yeah.
Out here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wanted to get what I was paying for in land. Needed to have some kind of a comedy scene.
And Providence has a comedy connection out there. It's a great club.
Sure. Boston's 45 minutes away.

Speaker 2 Amazing comedy scene. And also convenient for travel.
Well, I guess that was a third.

Speaker 2 And Rhode Island, Providence is like my Burbank airport, and Boston's my LAX. So it really stays the same.

Speaker 2 But dude, it's so beautiful. I've never been a morning person, as we just discussed my sleeping problems.

Speaker 2 Every single day I wake up there,

Speaker 2 the seven days I've been there in the past four months I've owned it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't even live there.

Speaker 2 I wake up so happy. It is so fucking beautiful.

Speaker 1 That's wonderful, dude. Yeah, I'm so happy I did that.
So nothing here, no apartment here, no connection to Los Angeles?

Speaker 2 No, I couldn't, dude. My business managers explained that I looked into even just getting like a condo here or something.

Speaker 2 If I own any kind of property property here because I've lived here for 11 years, they'll say that this is still a permanent

Speaker 2 and that that's my vacation home somewhere. So I'll still get California taxes.

Speaker 1 And I was like, nah, fuck that. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Yeah. Rhode Island.
Rhode Island. Have you ever visited before?

Speaker 2 Nope. Wow.
No, I just went. I was performing at Mohegan Sun.

Speaker 2 Five shows out there or something light like that.

Speaker 1 That's about an hour away.

Speaker 1 See what he just did?

Speaker 1 They made us play the parking lot at Mohegan's Sun.

Speaker 1 We did Mohegan Sunset. We didn't even get the fucking full sun.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mohegan Moon. Oh, yeah.
Fucked.

Speaker 2 It was an hour away, and we were like, I found it on Zillow. And I was like, oh, I'll go.
I'll peep this real quick. We went and checked it out.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, this is like one show at Mohegan Sun. Awesome.

Speaker 1 So, wow,

Speaker 1 good for you. It was awesome, dude.
Wow. Buying your mom a house first was a class act.
That's a cool thing to do. No, when you told her, how did you tell her?

Speaker 2 I told her. I called her.
I was like, hey, I called her, it was like maybe like a week after the tour sold out.

Speaker 2 And it was like obviously the first time I knew I was going to have any any money at all.

Speaker 1 I was like, hey,

Speaker 2 in your fucking face.

Speaker 1 I told you I was a silly bitch. And then, no, obviously, I've called her very lighthearted.

Speaker 2 I was like, hey, things worked out finally. Now that I have some money,

Speaker 2 I want to take care of you.

Speaker 1 You still have to work, but your bills are taken care of.

Speaker 2 I bought her a car the year before when things were just kind of starting to take off a little bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, let's guess the car. Can you guess the car? Go ahead.
Let's get it. Hers? Yeah.
Yeah. A Tesla.
No. No.
In Georgia?

Speaker 2 She would have no idea what to do with the Tesla.

Speaker 1 He bought her an F-350. I think it's possible.
A lifted truck. An F-350 lifted truck with hydraulic jacked-up.

Speaker 2 Truck nuts. Yeah, truck nuts dangling.
Smokestack. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on, Matt, let's go, dude.

Speaker 1 Would you buy her?

Speaker 2 She wanted a Hyundai, dude. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 humble pie. It was awesome.

Speaker 2 She thought it was a nice car.

Speaker 1 They are really good Korean cars. They're very good.

Speaker 1 It's got dilithium lifts and inspection. Beepa, beepa.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she didn't ask for anything crazy.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Go to that, go to the house. She was excited about it.

Speaker 1 You know, you're the the best son ever. Oh, cried.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it was the first time I had heard that.

Speaker 1 Do you have a sister or brother?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have four sisters.

Speaker 1 Are they biological or Faffy?

Speaker 2 No, three half-sisters, one

Speaker 2 three stepsisters, one half-sister.

Speaker 1 One half-sister. Well, we don't know whose biological is this guy's.
I know, right? Yeah, you close.

Speaker 2 None of them might be biological.

Speaker 1 Are you closest with the half-sister or not?

Speaker 2 Closer than the stepsisters, yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would say so. Is one of them an evil stepsister?

Speaker 2 An evil stepsister?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like the

Speaker 1 fairy tales.

Speaker 2 None more than the others, I suppose.

Speaker 1 If your stepsister went, hey, man,

Speaker 1 I'm down on my luck.

Speaker 1 I've been using fentanyl. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah, doing the fentanyl.

Speaker 1 I'm not shooting it up anymore. You know what I mean? I dropped four of my eyeballs.
I just drip them in my eyeballs. Anyway, I need about 20 grand because I'm like, I'm dying.

Speaker 2 I would say Bobby Lee is single, and he has a lot of llamas.

Speaker 1 Hit him up.

Speaker 1 You would do that? I would do that for you. I would.

Speaker 1 I said I wanted it. I would do that for you.
You want your sister, y'all. Fucking drop sisters.
You You don't want all three of them? No.

Speaker 1 Are they hot?

Speaker 1 Okay. No.

Speaker 1 Turned right around. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 No, no. Let me see.
You were first no, then you're like.

Speaker 1 Are they hot? When you ask, like, you know, A, is your brother hot? Why is that like your sister? Your sister's hot. Maybe a hot sister.
This is why.

Speaker 1 Now, your sister's hot. And guess what, dude? Yeah, doc.
Do you want me to hurt you today? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? You got to go? No, I'm sweating. Oh, God, man.
Look at those stretch marks from when he gave birth. Isn't that great?

Speaker 1 You don't got anything like that. How many days of the week are you in the gym, bud? Five?

Speaker 2 Six? Six or seven?

Speaker 1 No. Listen to that, Bob.
How many days of the week have you gone to the gym this year? How many days have you gone to the gym this year? I haven't been in the gym in 12 years. And look at this.

Speaker 1 And this looks good. This is good.

Speaker 1 I don't do any movement.

Speaker 1 Like, I rarely move. A little mental movement.
I do, but it's like I don't do really anything. I go upstairs.
That was kind of a crunch.

Speaker 2 The lean back again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Don't shame me. I'm not.
I'm hyping you off. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not chilled like you. Does anybody's voice go this high when they're not alive?

Speaker 2 That's hype. That's hype, dude.

Speaker 1 That's all hype. Yeah, but I do find in the arena of the opposite sex, even though I look like this.
No, but I say I want you to go to the gym for your health. I don't give a fuck about the weight.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get my doctor to get me on a Zimpic. Please do.

Speaker 2 Would you really do it?

Speaker 1 I'm asking my doctor to do it. Please don't do that.
I have to do it. Please.

Speaker 1 Who's your doctor? Ken?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 there goes my career because that's a lot.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. That was a lot, dude.
It was a big laugh. Yeah, it was a fucking job.
Oh, it was a great joke. It was a good joke, but that was a lot.
I know.

Speaker 1 I just knew how it would affect you. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, oh. No, I'm going to get on it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get on it because. Please don't do it.
I swear to God.

Speaker 2 It can't be good for you, dude.

Speaker 1 I don't care. I'll die.
Let's go through the side effects. Yeah, let's go.
Oh. Nausea, constipation, you have those already.
Diarrhea, you got it. Dizziness, you got it.

Speaker 1 I already looked at, I have all of it, right? But thyroid cancer. I don't have that.
All right. Burping.
Yeah. You do that on the show notes.
I don't saw that.

Speaker 2 What's dysphagia? Dysphagia.

Speaker 2 Dysphagia.

Speaker 1 Oh, you mean dysphagia right here?

Speaker 1 Dude, dude. Dude.

Speaker 1 Gozempic breath.

Speaker 2 What do we think that smells like?

Speaker 1 Dude, that was funny. Thanks, Doug.
Don't do it again, dude. Shut up.
Do what I want. It's my show.

Speaker 1 Hypoglycemic, blurred vision. Oh, my God.
All right, look at this. One theory suggests the drug could be contributing to gut

Speaker 1 dysbiosis, gut imbalance of bacteria in the intestine that can lead to a variety of digestive problems and oral health issues, such as bad breath.

Speaker 1 It's fine. I'm going to do it for like a couple of months.
Please don't. I have to do it.
I look like shit. And then you know what? Dude.
You don't look like shit.

Speaker 1 You look wonderful. I just want you to do it.

Speaker 1 Just walk. If you walk every day, two miles.
Listen. Two miles a day.

Speaker 1 This is the truth. Okay.
Yeah. I I was with a girl a couple of months ago.

Speaker 1 And she goes,

Speaker 1 and she goes,

Speaker 1 she saw my naked body. We were in pad.
She saw my naked body.

Speaker 2 Are the lights on? Yeah, the lights on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the lights are on. They're dimmed.
Yeah, yeah, they're dimmed. They're dimmed.
But they're not like these.

Speaker 1 And she was looking at it, not in a disgusting way, but more in for, like, you know, like, you know, when you used to dissect frogs

Speaker 1 in biology. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Look at that. Yeah,

Speaker 2 what is it?

Speaker 1 Is that supposed to be out like that? She goes, there's something wrong with me.

Speaker 1 And I go, why? She goes, because I know who she used to date. She's like, I mean, I dated these guys.
And then this is, and I go, I looked at her with my doughy eyes and I go, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 And she goes, no, I think you're sexy. I just don't know why.

Speaker 1 Well, because you're not. And then as soon as she said that, I was like, oh, a Zimpic.

Speaker 1 I had to be on it. No, she likes your or she said you're sexy.
Yeah, but you can't. He didn't even fucking, he questioned it.

Speaker 2 You can love like a pure bred golden retriever and still

Speaker 2 adore like a dog from the pound.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah, Matt, you think I look like Shit? No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Anyways. So and so don't, Karin Ellis.

Speaker 1 It's so racist. No, it's not.
Yes, it is. For us.

Speaker 1 I still can't get over the fact that you moved all the way east. Yeah, it bumps me out, actually, because we have no allies here anymore, man.

Speaker 2 No, man. You don't have to live here anymore.
In the entertainment industry, you don't have to live here.

Speaker 1 Promise me one thing. We will see you on January 6th.
You're going to come back?

Speaker 2 What's January 6th?

Speaker 1 Okay. Dude, don't play dumb with us.
We'll go to the Capitol again. Our yearly trip.
Oh! Our yearly trip. Oh, buddy.
The excursion. Yeah.
Oh, the big cowboy.

Speaker 2 Why do you think I moved closer?

Speaker 1 What I'm saying, dude.

Speaker 1 The bricks. I have some good bricks this season.
Now,

Speaker 2 are you going to break in when who wins?

Speaker 1 Anybody. We're there to get it.
Anybody win anywhere. It does love it.
It'll be either way. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Okay. I like this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You are much closer. We could use your house as a hub.

Speaker 1 We couldn't have his house as a hub i'd love decent and you got a lot of land does anybody live with you or you buy yourself on this i live with two of my boys and there's another house on my property that i also bought that another uh friend of mine is going to move into you would never charge any of these people rent or anything no of course i do you oh you do yeah it's not a lot but i i believe like you still have to have responsibility keep a parent otherwise

Speaker 1 keep appearances they won the lottery your friends yeah

Speaker 2 no because yours are friends yeah but they also earn it you know what i mean like all of them work for me yeah and they earn that money like it's so great when i can't sleep and i'm up till two o'clock in the morning editing my own shit when i can text my my my videographer and be like hey when you wake up if you can see this and he's like dude i'm also up working right now and i'm like i fucking love that you still are doing work you're still cutting clips you're not making up yeah i i have to cut them because i just don't trust anybody else to do the exact timing i mean you know a fucking a half second beat can change a joke right so it can just it can lag on i don't trust anybody else to edit it comedically so then i edit it comedically and then i send it to him and he does like the camera switching and the captioning captioning.

Speaker 1 It's funny because we don't do any of that trick. We have no shows.
No, we just let that do it. I have no idea how to do it.

Speaker 2 I mean, I, in theory, could learn, or I've learned in the past, but oh no, bro, I had to go to my friend's house, and he had to download Premiere Pro on my laptop, and then I recorded him teaching me for an hour how to do Premiere Pro.

Speaker 2 And then, for like months after, I had to watch that video anytime I was at the end. That's awesome, though.

Speaker 1 Wow. The fact that you like it.
The fact that you did it, though, is great. I mean, that just shows you're still doing it on your own.
And, like, I think you have a dog. You have a dog?

Speaker 1 You have a dog? No, God, I want to do that. You got to get a dog.
I'm gone too much. I can't.
I know. That's the thing.
I'm not going to get a little.

Speaker 1 So, the guys, they go on tour with you? Yeah, they're gone. You got to get a couple of guys that live there that don't go on tour with you.
So they can take care of the cat.

Speaker 1 Because I know you're going to get one dog and two cats. No, I don't.
I can feel it. Oh, yeah.
I can feel it. No, no.
More dogs than cats. No, he's going to get one dog.

Speaker 1 You're not going to like the cats.

Speaker 2 I might get a little farm cat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that could be kind of cute. You mean an outdoor cat? Yeah.
I have three cats. They're the best.
They're all outdoor cats. How are they? they're inside.

Speaker 1 Well, Ming just pisses us all over every furniture that I have. Yeah, it's awful.
It's awful.

Speaker 2 Which one's your favorite?

Speaker 1 Guner.

Speaker 2 Gunner's the best. His name is Guner.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do you know why? Why? Well, your little mind can't understand it. I'm so sorry.
That was so rude.

Speaker 1 You're fucking. It's not even like a...
You're right. You're like, dude, that was so rude.
He's an Arsenal soccer fan.

Speaker 1 A what? Arsenal. Team Arsenal.

Speaker 2 Is that a soccer team? Yeah.

Speaker 1 North London. North London.
North London. Benjamin.
North London. North London.
Over here, we root for fucking ass snow. I'm his friend.
I mean. You know we root for fucking ass snow.
Anyway.

Speaker 1 How come you don't play England, Matt? I am. In September, I'm playing.
Well, you're coming finally, man. I'm coming.
What are you playing now? Out of Arena.

Speaker 2 Not yet.

Speaker 1 What are you playing in England?

Speaker 2 I don't even know. It's a bunch of theatres.

Speaker 1 The Royal Wongadunga Palace. Dude, I want to do Royal Albert Hall more than anything.
Oh, we'll let you in.

Speaker 1 You'll have to talk to the Queen.

Speaker 1 Gonna dig dig her up. Yeah, we'll dig her up.
Is it all right, lady, if old Matt rife?

Speaker 1 Praise the royal angle. Oh, you're so good.
What a talent. We'll get you a whole plate of bangers and match, man.

Speaker 1 Dude, we should start a sketch group. Don't you think we should start a sketch group? No, man.
Okay, forgive me. I forgot.

Speaker 1 But I want to, can I just say one last piece of advice before I, you know what I mean? More advice. One last one.
Yeah, all right. Okay, last thing.

Speaker 1 Is because you got to be very picky on what projects you do. Okay.
Nah, take them all. No, no.
Yeah, take it from this guy. I passed on Borderlands.

Speaker 2 I'm way ahead of you.

Speaker 1 This guy's so good. I've kidded it.

Speaker 2 They did not offer it.

Speaker 1 They did not offer it. No, what I'm saying is that, you know, like when Paul Shore, Paulie's show, was like, he said yes to the first five things.
Yeah, but Encino Man was a hit.

Speaker 2 They're all fucking iconic, dude. Son-in-law?

Speaker 1 These were all hits. I love them.
Right, in the Army Now, you think that's a master? I love it. Okay, okay.
It actually was a great movie.

Speaker 1 I love Paulie. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Anyway, let's move on. How are you talking about me, bro? Don't yawn.
Are you yawning? Are you tired from giving people the wrong address? What's exhausting? Fucking up your gig?

Speaker 1 The amount of times these guys have fucked up. We gave him a raise.
I think we just gave him a raise. He keeps fucking up.

Speaker 1 Please. He's going through some personal things.
What? He's going through some personal things.

Speaker 2 I heard you were going to send him to Spain.

Speaker 1 Are you going to get a double mastectomy or no?

Speaker 2 Yeah, finally. Wait, masectomy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got breast cancer.

Speaker 1 Leela's titties.

Speaker 2 You're lying. Do you really? Yeah.
You for real have breast cancer?

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Not for the the bit. Like, do you for real?

Speaker 1 Yes. He doesn't know how to not do the bit.

Speaker 1 You know what? By the way, good for you. Yeah, yeah.
I thought that was great. Yeah, it was actually good.
Good real. Yeah.
Yeah, he doesn't have titty kids on cancer.

Speaker 1 You are the only guy I know that is of your weight class in size that has small tits. You have

Speaker 1 nice little tiny B cup tits. Yeah.
Yeah, they don't point. Uh-uh.
Is it good for you?

Speaker 1 All my weights in my stomach. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Would you prefer it in the tits, honestly?

Speaker 1 I would.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe the dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you having.

Speaker 1 Okay, so are you eating like a maniac? Are you doing all this? Are you doing diet bullshit or?

Speaker 2 No, dude, that's my biggest thing. I don't eat enough for sure.
I have such a fast metabolic. That's why I work out every day because I don't retain any size.

Speaker 1 What do you eat? Are you eating anything fun or no?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. No, I eat fun shit all the time.

Speaker 1 You're not eating just like chicken and vegetables every day.

Speaker 2 No, I'll do burgers and shit.

Speaker 1 You do whatever. All the time.
Isn't that nice to wish be that age? You can just do that all the time. Yeah.
I have a cheeseburger. I can't do anything for like a week and a half.

Speaker 1 Even acae bowls, I can't do anymore. No.
Yeah, because it's so much sugar. It's too much.
My left foot fell asleep yesterday. Yeah.
Out of nowhere. I just got a foot.

Speaker 1 For like a whole day, my left foot was like asleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got to cut it out, man. Yeah.
My sugar, my sweet tooth has gone through, since I put away booze, man. My sweet tooth.

Speaker 2 You don't drink at all?

Speaker 1 No, I don't not drink at all. I just, I, I, you know, I just go through phases of when I just stop and then I have a couple and then I stop.
I do NA beers once in a while. I like those.

Speaker 2 Non-alcoholic beers. Yeah, I love one.
That's the most alcoholic thing I can imagine drinking.

Speaker 1 Well, dude. To like to drink.
Here I am.

Speaker 1 To like to to drink for the flavor but not the results is insane i love it i i like the flavor of beer i do like the flavor so gross see n a dealkalized liquor terrible like bourbon de-alkalized that's terrible but an n a beer is pretty fucking close to the same thing two beer tastes like piss dogs well when you grow up you'll like it

Speaker 1 heineken i'll let you know in eight years i gotcha heineken makes a double zero beer that i think is i don't know what it tastes it's so clean and good it tastes just like that And if I'm out with friends, I'll have one of those instead of getting cooked.

Speaker 1 Cause I just so crazy to eat. I know.

Speaker 2 What do you drink, Bobby?

Speaker 1 Well, when I do cowgirl, piss.

Speaker 1 Cups of piss.

Speaker 1 When I do cowgirl, I have to put a pillow between my back because my back hurts. When you're riding somebody? No, when I'm in a cowgirl,

Speaker 1 do you do reverse cowgirl when you're on when you're on your buddy? No, but when she's on me, I have to put a pillow on my back because

Speaker 1 it hurts my back. Yeah, we're getting older.
Enjoy it right now, dude. It's all going to break down.

Speaker 1 What do I like to drink?

Speaker 1 I like to drink. Well, I'm in AA, you know that, right? You really? Yeah, I've been from almost three years.
What? Really? No. Two and a half years.
Two and a half years.

Speaker 2 That's almost good, dude.

Speaker 1 Thank you, man. Of course.
And so, but, you know, if I was drinking those fireballs, I really liked fireball? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like the little, like, like the

Speaker 2 cinnamon whiskey?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Really?

Speaker 2 I like that. Those get shit on a lot, but they actually taste kind of good.

Speaker 1 I like it. Yeah.
I would get those right from the, in Hawaii, they have the little bottles. I used to drink like 15 of those.

Speaker 1 All right, that's enough.

Speaker 1 I love that. Remember? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we do remember. Yeah, yeah.
Because I relapsed when they were in this.

Speaker 1 In Hawaii? Well, they saw me in Mexico, and I got drunk, and they had to follow me around and

Speaker 1 be my chopper and they had to send them to rehab. I go one.
After Hawaii. After Mexico.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 somebody got shot at the resort next to us. Remember that in Cancun?

Speaker 2 No fucking way.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 A tourist? No, no, they never kill a tourist. They kill a local.

Speaker 2 Oh, so it was cartel.

Speaker 1 Cartel, 100%.

Speaker 2 No fucking way. They walked up to the guy,

Speaker 1 shot him, and then they walked out casually. I think they took a mint on the way out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was really like, they didn't feel it, they would never hurt a tourist. It would fuck up their business.
That's what I've heard. But they tried to shut down the resort.
Remember this?

Speaker 1 It was a panic. And then I was freaking out because I had to put him in rehab, and he was causing me a lot of anguish.
And I was trying to find where he was off to, and he was hiding.

Speaker 1 And he was asking.

Speaker 2 You were hiding?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, he was asking other people to buy him booze. And then he got in a fight with me because I wouldn't get him alcohol.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then he locked himself in his room and he got shit on the wall. He pooped all over the wall.

Speaker 2 No, he did not. Yeah, he did.

Speaker 1 He was shit on the wall. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those are like 15-foot, I mean, it's all the way up.

Speaker 1 It's like a Basquiat thing. It's an artist.
Yeah, he's an artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not kidding, dude. I opened the door to his hotel room.
There was throw-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's move on.
Let me talk about throwing up. No, no, no, no, no, no, the script, the script.
There was, it looked like, it looked like

Speaker 1 a 180 sprinkler head that's like,

Speaker 1 that's what it was. Woo! The good times.
No, I'm glad I put you in.

Speaker 1 No, no, I feel great. He's feeling free.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Was that like the final straw of when you decided to go?

Speaker 1 Well, I've had a lot of final straws in my life. You know, I had a final straw at 17.
When I was 30, I had a final straw straight. You know, over my lifetime, I've relapsed and gone that deep.

Speaker 1 But this time it looked, I feel like it's sticking. We've been to rehab three times together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We?

Speaker 1 I've

Speaker 1 put him through rehab.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. We've taken care of him.

Speaker 1 Put him where he needs to belong. And

Speaker 1 that's because I love him so much. That's so good.
That one in Tucson was the worst. That was the worst.

Speaker 2 It was a bad rehab?

Speaker 1 It It was like one of those places where, like, they, I had to wake up at like six in the morning, waiting in this line. I'm in, I'm in like

Speaker 1 hospital gown, right? And then, like, it's like that Queen's Gambit where they give you like a cocktail of pills. And I would go, what's in this? And they go, drink it or eat it.

Speaker 1 I would, and then I would just be a zombie all day. And there was like no counseling or anything.
I was just walking around smoking cigarettes. Just a mental asylum.
Yeah, it was a mental asylum.

Speaker 1 And I was there for two weeks. And then one day I just called my agent.
I was like,

Speaker 1 I got to get out of here. You know what I mean? They're dragging me.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I got out and I changed facilities. But that was a weird.
Do you guys remember that? It was a weird. I can't tell what place.

Speaker 2 You can check yourself out of rehab at any time.

Speaker 1 That one I couldn't because in the middle of the desert and like I didn't know how. But legally, yes, correct.
Yeah. I had no money.

Speaker 1 They took away my cell phone. They took away everything.
He was deliberately put in a place where you were a little more controlled.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 2 But it was too controlled.

Speaker 1 But yeah, well, yeah, I mean. But it's also, I'm smoking cigarettes with a bunch of like 20 young kids in the middle of a soccer field.
And they're just like, what are you doing here, man?

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, oh, man, you know,

Speaker 1 crazy. And they're like, aren't you on TV?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's like crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, Andrew, do you think, is there anything you think you're close to addicted to?

Speaker 1 Work.

Speaker 1 That's not a bad thing. No, he has what Howie Mandel has.
He can't stop. He always has to be doing something.
And it's not something, it's a real thing. Yeah, probably a sickness.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll look, I look at him, I go, what? You're going where? What? You know what I mean? Like, 24-7.

Speaker 2 It's always doing something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it's not healthy.
No, fuck. I probably have that as well.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, when I had to take two weeks off, it felt like taking six months off.

Speaker 1 It was awful. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was going fucking nuts.

Speaker 1 I've gotten better at taking time off. We take vacations.

Speaker 1 My wife and I go, we carve out time to do things.

Speaker 1 But your work is different than my work. My, I mean, like, you're on tour, you're grinding, you're doing fucking 50 shows a month.
Mine is this job, that job, this job, that job.

Speaker 1 It was just, I'm just spreading myself too thin.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 1 Uh, something you could consider spreading yourself thin. But, um,

Speaker 1 that hurts. That's it.
I'm going to give you a zone pick. Beauty is pain.
Okay. Hey.
Hey, be my little Korean Elvis. I'm sorry.
Come on. Give me.

Speaker 1 Memphis.

Speaker 1 We're going to win. We're going to win.
We're going to go.

Speaker 1 Dude, have you ever played Memphis?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was just there maybe a month ago.

Speaker 1 We fucking hate it.

Speaker 1 I love Memphis. Are you serious?

Speaker 1 It's for you. They hate it.

Speaker 2 Where'd you play?

Speaker 1 We played at Elvis's Estate. At Graceland? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you did not.

Speaker 1 Yes, we did. Yes, we did.
You can play at Graceland. You can play at the stage's lifeline.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, I'm fucking furious.

Speaker 1 I think I did the older. They didn't like us.
They didn't like us. It was like...
They hated us.

Speaker 2 Was it a live podcast?

Speaker 1 You didn't stand up? No, we didn't. We did stand up.
It was like if we do a TED talk about death.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Hey, guys, this is what death. You know what I mean? Everyone.
They were like fucking zombies. Everyone in the audience had just lost somebody.
That's what it felt.

Speaker 1 That's what it felt like. Like, everybody just lost it.
We ate it. We ate it.
We ate it. It was one of the worst shows we've ever done.
And you know what? I should take it back. We don't hate Memphis.

Speaker 1 We hated what happened there. Yeah.
We got Louisville. What happened in Louisville? I like Louisville as well.
Oh, the fly and the food of chilies. Yeah, the fly and the, but the show was weird.

Speaker 2 Do you guys have any like stalkers or anything on tour?

Speaker 1 Uh,

Speaker 1 we had one guy that was fucking in Dallas that I was at the meet and greet, and he was like, uh, he goes, hey, man, I broke in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What? And he goes, I broke in here. Asian guy.

Speaker 1 Asian guy? Yeah, Asian guy. Yeah, yeah.
He goes, I broke. Sorry.
He goes, I broke in here.

Speaker 1 No, of course not. Yeah, yeah.
No, he goes, he goes, I broke in here, man. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I don't even have a ticket.
I don't have VIP or anything. I just broke in.

Speaker 1 He's like, this is what I do. I have a GoPro or something.
He recorded himself breaking into his favorite concerts and venues. And so we were like, cool, man, security.
Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why would you admit that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does he like post them online?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
I think he probably does a YouTube show or something about it. You got to find it.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, I said to him, I go, hey, man, as long as you're chill and you're not trying to hurt anybody, like, fine, but like, meanwhile, you're telling me, don't, don't tell anybody that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to get arrested. Like, I'm not going to arrest you, but they're going to arrest you.
So I was like, don't say anything.

Speaker 2 Just get out of here. That's fucking terrible.
It was weird as fuck.

Speaker 1 That was the only time. But him and I, though,

Speaker 1 what my concern was, because we had really never toured together before. Literally, never done it.
Literally, I had never done it.

Speaker 1 So in my mind, I'm like, what is it going to affect our relationship or our friendship? But I don't think it, I think it strengthened it. You got to share a room? No, but we're.

Speaker 2 And you're doing it wrong. Yeah.
You're supposed to share a double tree.

Speaker 1 Two full bedroom, of course. You've done that with people.

Speaker 2 That's what I was doing at the beginning of touring. Yeah.
Not like the Live Nation tour. Yeah.
But like when I was first starting to headline on my own, like beginning of last year. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I couldn't afford to get everybody their own room yet.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
But we can,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 fine. Yeah, it's

Speaker 1 no, we slept on the bus. We lived on the bottom.
Yeah. Oh, he was on a bus.
We didn't get a hotel. We were on the bus.
And

Speaker 1 not.

Speaker 1 I said, Greyhound? Oh, it was more like a brownhound. Okay.
Yeah. Not so gray.
It was a brownhound. He was from Mexico.

Speaker 1 But the power dynamic. Hey, where are we going, bro?

Speaker 1 Sorry. I give him more of the power.

Speaker 1 What did you do? I give you more more of the power down. Give it to me.
I am it. Yeah, I know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Was there one big room in the back, or was it all bunks?

Speaker 1 There's one big room in the back. He gets the back room.
You got the back room? I get the bunk, yeah.

Speaker 2 A little bunk on the side. And how did you decide this?

Speaker 1 He just called me and said you can have it. Yeah, because I know.
See, these are the things that break up the Beatles.

Speaker 1 These are the things that break up bands and stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay, Yoko.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 you know what's worse than that? The smirk you had before? Thanks. Thanks.
I saw yoga enter your brain, and then when you said it, very good, John. It doesn't hurt as much.

Speaker 2 John Lennon, right here.

Speaker 1 It doesn't hurt as much. John right on his arm.

Speaker 2 Wow. What's that doing for you?

Speaker 1 My pussy's wet. My pussy's wet.
My point is, no, let's cut that out. But my point is,

Speaker 1 I have to give him. I'll go, you know, you can do it.
You take it. He likes sleeping in the coffins.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He does. I told my friends the same thing.
I said, it's too much space back there. You guys wouldn't.
Yeah, they don't like it.

Speaker 1 He likes sleeping in the coffins. I like that he likes that.
He likes it. I like that.
He likes that. Yeah.
Well, no, he really does. I will say this.
No lie. This is not me saying this to say it.

Speaker 1 I've slept in the coffins before, and the coffins are nice because it's just

Speaker 1 a light little rock. In the back, you're like rolling around.

Speaker 1 It's not as stable.

Speaker 2 You got to sprawl out.

Speaker 1 Look what happened. Remember what happened to me? Well, that's on Bert's bus.
He fell out of the

Speaker 1 coffin.

Speaker 2 No, you fell out of the bunk?

Speaker 1 Yeah, the bunk, and I hit my head on a ledge, and I had to go to the hospital. Holy shit.
I got nine stitches. Oh, widow baby.
And I got off the really? No, I'm saying I'm from a band.

Speaker 1 You took a shit and you got all bit dizzy. What about that time?

Speaker 2 You got dizzy from a shit?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this guy gets all the busy. That's like a 40-year-old shoe I've ever heard.
Pussy. I took a shit and I hit my head.

Speaker 1 Don't call me a pussy because I'll fight you and I'll beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 1 Dude, today? Because he's here, it's a dynamic. What is it? I don't know what it is, but him being a.
What's the white guy thing?

Speaker 1 No, you and I have this, this thing that we used to have in the pond is back. Yeah.
And I think he's doing it. He's in.
Yeah, well, standing. And it's nothing you're specifically doing.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's something about it. You think you can move here and live here for us and do this with us every week and stuff like that?

Speaker 2 You guys want to split the profits like 50, 25, 25 or something.

Speaker 1 Well, I hate to tell you, but

Speaker 1 we're not making that many llamas. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sad.

Speaker 1 Well, if these mic, we look over, none of these mics are even plugged in.

Speaker 1 You have one? Do you have a pod?

Speaker 2 No, I just don't have the time. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll have one one day.

Speaker 2 Don't wish that on me.

Speaker 1 To prey upon my downfall is moving.

Speaker 2 It's very funny.

Speaker 1 Matt, yo. We love you to to death.
That was great.

Speaker 1 We're so happy for you

Speaker 1 genuinely.

Speaker 1 It's well deserved, and you've taken everything in stride.

Speaker 1 The love, the hate, all the above, and all that stuff comes along with being as popular as you are. And good for you.
And we're stoked for you, man. I think you're fucking

Speaker 1 a great dude since I met you. That first time I met you.
You were 19 years old or whatever it was when I first met you. It was wild.

Speaker 1 And back then you were like, one day I'm going to be a big old Stark Median. That's what you sounded like back then.
And, man, I'm happy for you, dude. Dude, thank you so much.
So happy for you, bro.

Speaker 1 Thank you, dude. And thank you so much for doing our podcast, really.

Speaker 1 Thanks for letting me know. Are you fucking serious?

Speaker 2 I wanted to do whiskey ginger for like five years. I never got a text back.
Never.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. I never hit him back.
I've got it.

Speaker 2 Really? Never.

Speaker 1 Have you done it before? No, he's never done it.

Speaker 2 Is it still on?

Speaker 1 Very good. Barely.
A little digged. I like it.
It's barely on.

Speaker 1 Have you done Tiger Belly? What?

Speaker 1 you never heard of tiger belly? The stretch marks? Yeah. I didn't know.
It's my podcast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, anyway. Matt, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend, Matt.
Love you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 welcome.

Speaker 1 This is racist.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Stop!

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Keep going. I love it.

Speaker 1 I love Asian LP so much.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 Asian LP. Yeah, so I did.
And

Speaker 1 burning row.