Back To The Old School

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Yip yapping away.

Yip yapping away.

Yip yapping all day.

Yip yapping away.

Yay.

Yes I am.

Wait, or no I'm not.

No, you are.

No, McCone.

Yes, you are.

You are.

Alright, let's start the show. And then, did you know that Delaney has a prison tattoo on her finger? What? Delaney, you went to prison? She has a prison tattoo on her finger.
Let me see. What does it say? No, it's just, it's a stick and poke.
A stick and poke. Yeah.
That's what Bobby calls his sex life. Stick and poke.

Because every girl, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no, no, no.

It's not stick and poke.

Asian have a sharper penis.

Let's not go into negative.

Let's go into positive.

Did something happen though?

I can't-

Yeah.

No, nothing.

Well, I have to go to Winnipeg.

I'm getting bummed about that.

Wait, why?

One morning.

For Tom's thing?

One show at Tom, yeah. Winnipeg.
Do you know where that is on a map? It's probably... I'm not making fun of you because I don't know.
I assume Winnipeg is more East Canada? I think it's middle. Maybe middle.
I have no idea. I genuinely don't.
Edmonton is middle too. Edmonton's more left it's it's it okay alberta's where let's zoom out carlos that's pretty central kind of yeah oh that is dead center dead center wow it's right above minnesota when oh my god i'm dreading i gotta fly all that way how long is it you think four and a half four okay because you got to go north you got to go up and over, you know? Yeah, but it's also like the- 330.
I hate the border crossing thing. Yeah, but you got to give them paperwork.
Right. And one time I was doing a movie and it was years ago and I had to wait there for hours in like a little lab room.
In the Canadian border? In security. I can't even speak to it.
I'm so tired. Security room.
Not a lab room. Why am I saying? Let me tell you something, by the way.
Congratulations. I've been watching the worst roommate show.
Like I said. Wow.
Are you being real? Yeah. The second season? I'm cruising through it.
I love it so much. But the amount of murder.
Too much.

The woman that filmed her own, that recorded her own death.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.
Wow. Wow.
Wow. crazy.
Yeah. I didn't see the first season.
Oh, really? I only saw the second season. Oh, my God.
It's so good. I was going to go back to the first season.
I do that with movies, too. Do you have roommates, Delaney? Yeah, I do.
How many? Five. Jesus.
Jesus Christ. You have your own room? Wait a minute.
Do you live at home? Are you talking about your parents? No. You have your own room? Yeah, because we have a house.
Starting junior year, you move off campus. Ooh.

Fancy.

I moved off campus.

Wait a minute, how old are you?

21.

You're a senior now?

Yeah.

I get my own electrical slot so I can plug in my iPhone.

Ooh.

Ooh.

And my roommate, Samuel, she gets the second one underneath it with her iPod. Delaney, five people? Yeah.
How much is rent with five? Sneak in there. These guys don't need attention.
It's like $2,000. For you? You pay $2,000 to live with five? For four other people? Where are you living? Calisades? Are you living in Beverly Hills? No, New Orleans.
Wait a minute. You don't live in LA? Only, like, my parents are here.
You're from Orange County? No, I'm from the Palisades. What are you getting so angry for, man? I don't know.
I don't know. Time out.
$2,000 per person. So it's a $10,000 a month house you're renting? He's like, you can get a nice place for that in New Orleans.
Is that right though? So it's 10 grand a month? In New Orleans. So all of you are paying $2,000.
Yeah, probably. You don't even know what everybody pays.
Well, because I'm not asking my other roommates. You don't ask each other.
That's not a point of- Some of them I don't know that well. Oh, so you live in a home with people you might not know yeah you're perfect for this tv show yeah you're too i don't think so she's too fancy for me she's gonna end up in the news 100 remember what remember that girl delaney we used to work with a couple years ago dude yeah the weird found her foot in florida yeah they found her head in new or Tucson, Arizona.
Her ankle was in Tucson, yeah.

And they still haven't found her butthole.

No! What did they do with that?

I think they shot it into space. Dude, that's a cool

killer, though. No, just

hear me out. I'm just saying, right?

A killer with a necklace with all

these little rings. Don't you

think? Little butthole rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they're dry.

You know what I mean? What is that?

Are those? Is that puka shells? No, man. You know, when you take Froot Loops.
Oh, that's cute. Yeah, you take Froot Loops, you put them in the water, then you let it dry in the sun, right? And then it just has this like a rubbery like anal.
You know what I'm feeling? It's like a rubbery anal. It kind of smells.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your necklace.
You like calamari? I love it. This is calamari.
Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is this? An ear necklace? Yeah, from Vietnam. Oh, my God.
The American soldier in South Vietnam possesses the, zoom in, the stripped bodies of dead vehicles. Oh, my God.
So he would kill them and then put them on a necklace? Yeah. Bro.
That's hardcore. Cool as hell.
That's cool as hell, Carlos? Dude, imagine, dude. Imagine I was in the war.
Imagine I was in the war, right? And, you know and I'm looking at you and I go hey man nice necklace look oh this no fuck you no no these are wait a minute imagine what if they didn't kill him right they took his ears. What if they got both of your ears?

You come up to me and you're like,

Hey.

You have something of mine?

Wait, I don't really understand.

Can you pronounce?

You have something of mine.

You have something of...

Oh, what is it?

Hello.

Oh, my bad. That's you.
Oh. Hello.
That's hilarious. That's insane.
That's insane. Cut off someone's ear and then wear it is crazy.
That's crazy. But also, Vietnam.
Craziest war. Craziest war in the world, dude.
I mean. There's so many of them.
You know what I mean? It was was a trend those are the biggest ears i've ever seen either it's like me i've huge yeah i have little ears you know the vietnam war though yeah ho chi man what a guy what a trail he makes trails so deep and you know those but did you know that ho chi man little fun fact give me before he was what that's not a fun fact, that's just a fact. Pretty fun to me.
Before he was, you know, the guy, right? He went all, like, he was like a baker in France for a year. I'm not kidding.
No way. Then he went to New York and then was like, he worked on film, like went to a film company, worked on film.
Ho Chi Minh was like an artist? No, he was just a world traveler, just going around the world, probably fucking white chicks and stuff right and he has to do that can I say that or no okay and he probably has to do this because you need small tiny man and those are her shoulders right and do the laundry like that you know so anyway um Ho Chi Minh was like a world renowned You know A worldly man

A cultural worldly man

And he saw what was going on in his country

And he came back

He was like that's it

That's it

I love making croissant

You know what I mean

I love this film we're doing

You know this film

Butterfly film

The photographer

What would have been if he actually became a director

Instead of going back home

Oh my god

Like imagine if he made really good film

Thank you. What a fly film, the photographer.
What would have been if he actually became a director instead of going back home? Oh, my God. Like, imagine if he made really good film.
I'm trying to go see Long Legs tonight. Oh, you'll like it.
Everyone says it's phenomenal. Do you see it? And scary, right? I have a different opinion.
Creepy? I have a different opinion. All right, you don't like it.
It's creepy. What? It is creepy.
It's very creepy. The tone of the movie is very creepy.

I mean, through the whole movie,

it gave me hereditary vibes in terms of like,

they got the tone right,

but then there are times where I'm like,

that doesn't make any sense,

or what is that,

and what's going on?

What is going on with the little orb?

You know what I mean?

The doll orb?

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't, because I'm going to go see it tonight.

Yeah, but if I say doll orb, you're not going to know what that is.

Well, I see it in my head.

Well, you know what doll orbs are?

Well, I'm just obsessed right now with the afterlife because I watched this guy on TikTok.

I don't even know if I sent it to you.

There's a guy on TikTok who goes to graveyards.

He cleans the grave.

And as he cleans them, he has one of those machines that picks up electromagnetic vibes. And then it says words through the voice box.

And I'm not, when I, dude.

Okay.

He'll go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He'll go.

It'll go.

It'll go.

Thank you.

And he's like, I'm cleaning your grave, Charlie.

How did you die?

And it'll go, stab.

There's no way.

It does it.

He'll hit the spirit there. Play it.
Play's no way. It does it.
He'll have the spirit there.

Play it.

Play it for him.

My name's Barry. I'm sorry, little one.
It was hard for me to hear you. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Stop. If I heard that, I would just go to the car.
I know. What do you do? What do you do? Whoa, dude.
What do you do? You think those are like demons and stuff? There's got to be. I mean, look, people that haven't passed over, right? Isn't that the theory? Yeah.
Stop. I already know what it is.
There's a little person behind that grave store going, what the? I mean, how do you know that it's the grave thing? I don't understand. There's a machine that does it? So there's a box.
There's a spirit box. And spirits can electromagnetically communicate through the box.
And it's filled with like thousands and thousands of words. And it electromagnetically picks the word and it comes out.
So it'll be like death. Oh, I see.
Striking. I see what you're saying.
Mom. Right, right.
Bob. Yeah.
Lee. Yeah.
That's it. We should buy one.
A ghost box. And it records.
But what if there's some words in there that I'm a spirit and I want to say it and it's not in the fucking box? It gets as close as it can. Like, which ones are you trying to say? Megatron.
Would that be in it? I bet. You know what I mean? Voldemort.
It's loaded. Voldemort for sure is in the spirit.
I don't think Voldemort's in the spirit. Anal beads.
That's in there. Oh, you know, anal beads have to be.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ball and chain. Oh, but can I put, said you, when you put.
BDSM. BDSM.
Yeah. When you put that against a gravestone.
Yeah, he just does a thing. And then as he walks through.
Let's get one. Let's go to Hollywood Cemetery.
Done. And let's experiment with this stuff, man.
Absolutely. We can go to like Humphrey Bogart.
Well, who's buried over there? Humphrey Bogart. Is it Monroe? Is it stuff man absolutely we can go to like humpy burger is it well who's buried over there humpy bogart isn't monroe isn't marilyn monroe we got to go to marilyn monroe's thing at forest lawn we go they're all there right yeah like may west all these yeah they're uh uh um paul newman right there's all those oh i love your pizzas paul he'll say thank you will they do that yeah oh wow well you you make the best pizza sauce thank you wow have you seen my work? no but I love your pasta sauce I can't name a movie yeah but wow and I have to say out of all the Hollywood male stars from back in the day he's probably the best looking Humphrey Bargaret or Paul Newman.
Yeah, not even close. Bro, he killed it back then.
He was so handsome. Dude.
So handsome. Dude, if I look like that now, oh, I wouldn't even be here right now, dude.
But there's two kinds of Hollywood guys. There's a Paul Newman or there's a- Steve McQueen.
Steve McQueen. Yeah.
So Steve McQueen is our generation's probably like either Charlie Hunnam or what's his name? Tom Hardy? Yeah. And Paul Newman is like...
Austin Butler. Oh, I was going to say Gosling.
I think Austin Butler. Austin Butler is hot.
No, you're right. You're right, but I think Gosling is hotter.
But Gosling's so hot. He's the hottest guy in Hollywood.
Delaney, you like that guy?

You like Rygos?

Not really.

Whoa.

Give me a star that you like.

Jake Gyllenhaal is my favorite.

Yeah, he's a mega babe.

And he's jacked.

He's jacked.

I saw him one night at a bar on Fairfax, and I didn't realize how big he is.

Yeah.

Not tall.

He's fucking huge. His arms were massive.
Yeah. Jilly.
You know, here's the joke with me. Hmm.
Because I met him one time. I swear to God.
So you know my friend Gene? Yeah. They're best friends, right? Yeah.
And so Gene goes, you can come to the dinner. I can come because finally I can come.
Where was it? Damien. Ooh.
Right? So I come to the dinner. I can come? Because finally I can come.
Where was it? Damien. Right? So I come to the dinner.
And when you're at a dinner like that, everyone's either a showrunner or a huge person. Yeah.
So I'm there. You have to read the pockets.
Uh-huh. Do you know what I mean? Nowhere to slip in.
Exactly. Nowhere to slip in.
Yeah, exactly, right?

And I didn't slip in anywhere.

I found no pockets.

No, I was just eating and I would go...

You know what I mean?

Like that kind of thing.

No words to Jilly.

I don't think so.

He was so funny.

And then I got so nervous.

I was like, okay, I'll see you guys later.

I left, right?

Who is this?

Who's this girl?

She posted pictures of the day she wanted to wear for her trip to Auschwitz.

Let me get this right.

This is the first time I'm wear for her trip to Auschwitz. Let me get this right.
This young lady went to Auschwitz and she did like a get ready with me. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I'd like to see what she wore.
That's what she wore. It looks great.
Yeah. So people on the internet are mad because she said, get ready with me to go to auschwitz is she jewish um push pause for a second she doesn't look jewish but the spirits in at auschwitz probably look at her like look at that fat fuck yeah yeah i mean was that a pig oh and quink you know i know what I mean? The spirits didn't like her.

Didn't like her, yeah.

No, I bet you they did.

She's very pretty.

She's a Bachelor contestant and a Redmond.

Yeah.

I mean, if like... I imagine the spirits see that.

They're like, oi.

Hot.

What?

If you had the little machine, they would probably say hot.

Yeah, it's not good.

Not today.

Hot, hot.

If they have that little mix, I can't.

Hot, it's not even good.

Sometimes you don't have to swing.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes they let the ball pass.

What the fuck?

They let the ball pass.

All right?

Let the ball pass a couple times. You know what I mean? Don't go hot hot you know what I mean that's what you did let's try it again let's try it again Dan so this girl this girl she did a get ready with me to go to Auschwitz and this is her outfit she wore yeah it's just a black dress and sneakers now is that disrespectful what is the appropriate thing to wear to Auschwitz? I got to say, it's probably that, but probably not.
Well, we have a resident Jewish kid here, Nick. What's the appropriate thing to wear to Auschwitz? Something understated.
Understated. Solemn.
Solemn. Something drab and quiet, not loud.
Imagine doing Get Ready With Me to only go to tragic sites. Right.
Get ready with me to go to Hiroshima.

Yeah.

Get ready with me.

Get ready with me to go to Chernobyl.

Today, we're going to be visiting one of the most tragic, weird, fucked up sites you've

ever seen.

Yeah.

Get ready with me.

Now, I'm doing a blush that's very like blow you away blush.

Get ready with me to go to Ed Gein's house.

We're in Wisconsin.

We're at the farmhouse, okay?

And this is the lamp. See, this lamp is made out of human skin.
And I know we're in Gucci right now. Oh, my God.
And this kind of looks like skin. I mean, that's, I think, what Prada was trying to say.
So that's why we're here. Yeah.
Get ready with me to go to Epstein's Island. What's up? I'm here.
It's desolate desolate and quiet yeah seems like all the kids are asleep

i mean how it is funny look i'm sure she didn't do it disrespectfully she just planned

to go to auschwitz for the day which millions of people do and she was like here's what i wear

is this what she does on the internet she shows people her day yeah she posted this as a part of

her schedule auschwitz in the a.m well yeah you gotta go in the morning you can't go to auschwitz

at night. That's fucking...
Bro, if you had a daughter

I'm just making a canoe. Yeah, you're making a canoe, right? And she's constantly, get ready with me, get ready with me, and let me, oh my God, oh my God.
Look at this. Look at this.
Would you snap? No. No, because she's probably-

I'm like, shut up!

I bet she's making a good living.

You wouldn't snap, Nick?

Yeah, I would go crazy.

That's the funniest part.

The best packing hack for going to Auschwitz.

No.

Make sure you pack food.

There is not a snack bar.

Yeah.

Wow.

Visiting tragic locations and doing a get ready with me for them is very funny to me can i tell you what the bay did how did the bay go how was it with the bay did he reprimand you let's go what but why was i nervous do you know why i was nervous because you were talking shit i don't talking shit well bay heard you talking that shit okay i was talking shit okay so for years i talked about this ibm commercial an ibm with pepsi commercial yeah and how he goes here's the light you know i mean stand in the light put your face in the light and you told it on rogan the biggest podcast platform yeah yeah yeah i don't really want anybody to know this story i'll go on rogan and tell it yeah yeah so millions and millions of people sunday i'm at the comedy store i have his name on the list i'm up at like 8 45 it's a good spot very good spot yeah and ask anyone that's working i've told these guys this um he's not there i'm literally getting brought up and he's not i'm like you know how you go ah he ain't coming yeah come here right and as i'm getting called up somebody at the lot goes the bay michael bay's in it like the whole thing like sirens go off the bay has ascended right so they obviously let him park there yeah yeah yeah and so i just yell i go just don't you know i mean the back bring them in the back set them right and then i i'm literally walking the stage while i'm on stage he's walking in with his entourage so cool yeah and you know your mind you're it's also it was like 80 people you know how sometimes the main room no or okay you know the or sometimes light on a sunday yeah sometimes yeah yeah but you know you still did good you did good I survived you did good thank you daddy I love you okay kiddos and then what happened I don't know I just I don't know I end as I'm walking off stage he gets up to meet me in the back so then we get in the hallway and he goes hey man I go yeah you know I mean I don't even know what I'm saying but you know we worked I go yeah we were you know Pepsi yeah oh yeah and I go let's go in the back and talk about it all right you drag him to take up drag him to zeroes higher ground you get to be in that that's your territory thank you vulnerable in the hallway in the back in the back this is my you You get to be on, that's your territory. Thank you.
Vulnerable in the hallway. In the back.
In the back. This is my- You regain power.
It's my den. Yeah, that's your den.
Yeah. So you sit the bay down.
I'm still having fun, Nick. Okay.
I sit the bay down and now I'm like, how do I, you know what I mean? I got a figure. So immediately, like a coward, I go, well, you know, sometimes in podcasts, no, I swear to God, I do this.
You know, sometimes in podcasts, you know, like I experience a story and then when I say it, it's like, you know, I have to make it entertaining for the people, whatever, whatever, create conflict. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking, what? And I go, yeah. And he goes, no, Mike, you know, just the girl I'm seeing, right, is she said that you mentioned it, but I never heard it.
Do you think he had to have heard it? No. Really? No.
Because it turned out she is a fan. Oh, so she's a Bobby Lee fan.
She said, I think Bobby Lee talked about you in a podcast. Yes.
Oh, okay. Right? then we just start talking for like 45 minutes and it was great hollywood stuff he was um super not i couldn't believe how like um reachable he was you know what i mean and is that the right word uh i mean reachable relatable relatable relatable yeah reachable what the fuck are you talking about um I mean you did reach him I did reach him And he was like so like super open and nice

And Relatable? Relatable. Relatable.
Relatable. Yeah, reachable.
What the fuck are you talking about?

I mean, you did reach him.

I did reach him.

And he was so super open and nice,

and we talked about a variety of things.

And did it end well?

Yeah, really good.

Was it like, hey, let's hang out. No, he was just kind of like,

I really want to do something with you,

or something like that.

Oh, a little Bay movie, huh?

I don't know.

A little Bay movie.

Things like that are sad,

and I just take it with whatever it is. Right.
You know, chalk it up. Sometimes they forget.
But my point is. You won't forget.
It was a positive thing. And they apparently hung out there all night.
And like Jason Collins and some comics were like, he's still here. We're hanging out.
He's so cool. You know what I mean? So he watched more shows.
Yeah, he stayed there. I laughed.
And he just stayed there all night. Everyone's saying that he was the nicest.
He's such a such a nice guy and it was a fun night i want to be like you when i grow up you are because guys like the bay you actually go golfing with and go to like oregon and some of these mensa like i don't know these deep states these mensa deep state like private fucking mansion parties you mean i'm sure you go in there too you mean q anon yeah yeah we go to q Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's something going on with you.

I'm not... I'm sure you go in there too.
You mean QAnon? Yeah. Yeah, we go to QAnon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's something going on with you.
I'm not

in the party. I'm adjacent.

It's funny the way that he can say this

and the internet will be like, what is

going on, man? What parties

does he get to go to?

None. I sit at my house all day.

He does.

He sits around all the air. No, I actually

do shit all fucking day. He does.

I do shit all day. You know what I did today? I washed my car.
And it's my favorite thing in the world to hand wash my car. And I went to a little shop in Burbank and I bought all my little supplies.
And it was really nice because the girl didn't know me, which is always nice. And she spoke to me like a car guy.
it was like it i like that like i'm a nobody because i am a nobody but it was nice she didn't like spoke to you like a car guy like like you're a pet boy what we were talking cars we talked we talked about stuff we like we talk about certain waxes and soaps that we prefer can you improvise that stuff or not even if you don't know if you don't know what you Yeah, I think I can do it. Okay.
Just try that. Oh, have you ever tried this carnauba wax? Oh, yeah.
Well, the carnauba... Carnuba? Carnuba? Well, that's what it was originally called.
What did you say? In 1972, right? Carnuba wax. No, carnauba.
Yeah, but they used to call it carnaubu. Carnubu? Yeah nobu owned it yeah exactly car noobo yeah 1972 it's

sushi off of hood of car i don't know why you're doing asian accent sir i'm just here at the car car manufacturer i'm sorry about that it's a little i see you and i think i don't know yeah but when you do great room a beep a beep a sorry i'm so sorry i'll get i'm so you know i'm gonna leave no no i'm yeah yeah yeah yeah wait a minute am i the customer yeah you're the we work there i work here yeah holy fuck i'm fired

oh how offensive you know i mean i wonder if you did that they would leave right a hundred percent unless they're from japan then they'd love it i don't know they might not know what was going on excuse me you have a connoe box uh yeah we yeah we have up there, but it's on the top shelf and it's pretty expensive. Oh, are you from Tokyo too? Maybe they would do that.
Oh, I remember you. What street? Mitsubishi Avenue.
I think Banzai Way. Oh, next to the McDonald's.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good McDonald's.
Yeah, wow. No, I talked car stuff and it just felt nice to be like a human with someone instead of- Can I ask you about the wax? Yeah, what about- Who gives a shit? Oh, I love it.
I know, but I've never had wax on my car. I know, I can tell.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm waxless.less you're waxless and people seem to like it still

who likes your car people go no that's right except when they see the other it's a piece of shit it's smashed to shit i don't know you're right but um i like what does the wax do my friend it protects the uh it protects the paint it protects uh uh it doesn't get skin cancer what are you talking about yeah the spf 35 is on there it's in the sun all day that for oh yeah yeah so It affects the paint.

It keeps it shiny and fresh and glossy.

And more than anything, if you watched Karate Kid, you would learn wax on, wax off. It's more about patience.
It's more about life lessons. It's deeper than just getting dirt off a car.
It's about connecting to these roots of like, I purchased a thing, I wanna take care of it, I want it to look nice, it's work, you sweat, it feels good, you get meticulous. It shows a lot of different things in life.
So Mr. Miyagi was teaching him.
I love that scene, do you remember? It probably doesn't make any sense, but. What do you mean it makes perfect sense? Oh, so he's waxing cars, he's painting fences,

and then one day, you know what I mean?

Mr. Miyagi does that, and he does this,

like if he's painting a fence, that doesn't make any sense.

It taught him patience and timing.

Oh, that's true, okay.

And he had to do his chores.

Someone had to do all that shit.

Right, but what a cool scene.

I mean, one of the best movies of all time.

I think so.

Daniel's son.

That's right.

Daniel's son. It's a metaphor.
Wow whoa daniel's son that was a great movie phenomenal i love that movie i i mean i honestly i could watch it right now can we put it on no no yeah can we throw it on please but um okay i dreamed about going to do crane kicks at the beach standing on one of those old wooden things i thought about that all the time yeah but here's the here's the thing. There's things that you like.
Like you have little things like, you know, you can go to a golf store and look at the little like, you know, the little. What am I looking at? I'll tell you what you're looking at.
You're looking at the little jackets that go over the like little, you know what I mean? This part. The little jackets? Well, you know, like, you know how.
Like the one next to the entrance? Yeah, right there. I call those little jackets.
Oh. A little club jacket? Yeah, a little club jacket.
This is a little club jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm going to call that from now on. Okay, good.
I go, can you get my club jacket, please? And then you probably look at like- You won't believe what that's called. What? Head cover.
Oh, head cover. Mm-hmm.
I didn't know. No, I know.
Little jacket. But it's not something that I'm not interested in.
Right. But you have other interests like cars, like that kind of stuff.
Yeah. You can walk into a Pet Boys.
Yeah, walk into a Pet Boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And look and go, oh, look at the collaborator. This goes really well with the rotation cuffs.
Have you seen some of the collaborators? Rotation cuffs. Right.
Rotator cuffs. Yeah, and the oil, petroleum oil is very good with these rotation clubs.
Petroleum jelly jelly. You put petroleum jelly all over.
Exxon has the best kind. I don't know what they...
My point is that... And with watches, too.
Yeah. No, German made, or whatever you say.
You know what I mean? But it's like, I literally have none of that. Yeah, we like different things.
No, I don't have any interest. I can't go into any store and go, oh, look.
You know what I mean? you you like yeah this one was in mandarin clothes you like uh shoes sex shops sex store i mean this is all true you have the same meticulous love it's just our loves are different i think it's different shoes though no there's not i don't oh yeah i guess you're maybe right Yeah I'm like that with smells Fragrances Have you ever been to my house? Yeah Have I ever been There's smells all over my fucking house Yeah it's a fragrant house Yeah yeah I have I'm not kidding you I probably have 450 Colognes of various kinds Yeah that's... And then I also have oils

for the little rocks that I have.

You know what I mean?

So I guess I do have little things.

You have little trinkets

and you would go to a little trinket smell store

and you'd want to smell everything.

I want to be a man is what I'm saying.

I don't have man things.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, tell me one.

You have animals.

Cats.

You have dogs.

Yeah, but they don't live with me. Right.
Yeah. what I'm talking about it okay listen you're manly though you think so I gyrate good show me show me what do you mean let me see you gyrate bud you can't put that in there right now yeah you can your hump your So what time are you going to watch Long Legs tonight? I'm going to go see Long Legs tonight Yeah you're going to like it It's pretty cool But I'm going to go alone Oh that's good He's scared Yeah yeah And you can't do that when you're with somebody Yeah he's probably I mean Nick Cage.
The best. Yeah.
Because there was a while where he wasn't, he did all those small movies because Hollywood probably pushed him out. Why did it, why? He didn't get in trouble or something? He didn't do anything? No, he did that one, one of the Christian movies, one of the worst movies ever, what was it called? Left Behind.
Left Behind. One of the worst movies ever made.
I don't remember that.

Yeah, he phoned every scene in.

It was one of the worst movies.

You've got to watch this movie. Oh, there he is on the phone right there.

Yeah, he's phoning it.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there's literally one scene where he has his captain's head over his face.

You can't even see his face.

He's just saying his lines.

You know what I mean?

He hated it.

But they probably paid him a lot.

Think about how hard that is.

What?

Go back to the poster.

And you see all those people in it.

Like, this could be the break of their lifetime.

And he's just like, fuck it.

Yeah.

Chad Michael Murray, Cassie Thompson, Nicky Whelan, Jordan Sparks.

Yeah.

I love Jordan Sparks.

I don't know who those people are.

Am I stupid?

Chad Michael Murray is famous.

I'm stupid.

20 years ago.

Jordan Sparks was a pop singer, right?

Oh, wow. Oh, I know him oh I know him yeah I know him personally you do yeah no seriously we have lunch on Wednesdays I know we have lunch every Wednesday that's no way yes me and CMM that's what I call him I didn't know that was his real name wow he's a good guy nah I never met him but I bet he's rad I mean think about that maybe maybe chad was like fuck this film is gonna be awesome and then the guy that stars in your movie is like fuck this and bails when that would bump you break your soul yeah i mean um i think they were also going oh they didn't like it i don't think so oh terrible it's you have to watch it's one of the worst movies ever made well it's about what he's a pilot and a and a plane disappears.
No, no. This is what it is.
It's a Christian. So a Christian production company made it.
You got me. So basically, The Rapture.
All right. So one day, people just kind of disappear and then the clothes just fall to the ground.
Whoa. And it's like six dudes left going, oh, fuck.
Oh, no, we didn't believe in God. What do we do?

Right?

Party.

I know, dude.

Number one, I would go to the pharmacist.

Yeah.

Right?

Unless the pharmacist is still alive.

No, they're gone.

Oh, good.

He's in heaven, right? Yeah, he's in heaven.

So fuck.

I would go, you know, like drugstore cowboy.

That's my one of my fantasies.

Dilaudid.

You know what I mean?

I would just go try to find all the shit, right?

Get all the... And then you know what I would do? Dude, I fantasize about this all the time, dude.
I can't wait, right? Then I'm going to go to San Marcos. San Marcos, California.
Do you know why? Why? That's where the real doll factory is. God.
Right? So I go to the pharmacist, right? Probably nine pharmacists get all the... I'll relapse.
I don't give a fuck. I'll relapse.
Okay, I'm so excited.

So I'll relapse, right?

Then I'm going to get... Cars probably still work.

Yeah, cars work.

Everything works until it stops working.

Yeah.

But you can't get them fixed.

That's right.

But you assume that for the next 20 years,

you'll be able to find cars.

You'll be fine.

You just keep getting into cars.

Get switched cars.

Yeah.

Go to San Marcos, right?

And I would go to...

But I don't know how... But they have my pre-belt, you know what I mean? I'd get 20 of them.
Don't you think? I think you would just go in and use it when you're done, you'd leave. No, because I don't want, I don't want to live in San Marcos.
I think, where do you want to live? Everyone's gone. I would.
I would go to back to Malibu or something, like a nice beach property. Okay.
Then get yourself an 18-wheeler truck and load that bitch up with sex doll toys and bring it up to a house in Malibu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bring it to Spielberg's house and pack that thing with real dolls. Yeah, I would love to have sex with a real doll on Delaunid, right? With a fucking Amistad poster back.
That's like fantasy in my life. I'm messing that, right? And you're talking're talking to her you're like you know I directed that movie yeah and she has jizz all over her face yeah so I have all these fantasies what I would do the real doll factory is where you'd go I'm trying to genuinely think if that happened and a bookstore probably a bookstore yeah because I because I I need to be something and so i'll be like i'm gonna read you're not yes i am yes i am you don't read now what's the difference i would learn to read i'll be so bored you can't just fuck a real doll all day long on allotted try me yeah yeah eventually you're like oh hemingway yeah sun also rises i don't even know What I would do I can't even imagine

What I would do

If like

So how many people Are gone of the population It's like almost everybody Only a few people No half the population Oh well that's a lot Of people still left Oh yeah but I have scenarios in my brain When I go to bed I think of these things What Imagine if there's only 50 people Whoa On planet earth You're never gonna run Into anybody So what would you do You're never gonna So you're alone basically this is the scenario yeah what would you do the first thing i would do yeah you can't kill yourself boring boring yeah don't kill yourself no you want well you stay i'd stay alive but you're never gonna see anybody again so you're the last person on earth basically yeah you don't know that they're there the 50 so you're never gonna see them but what if what if you run into one of them yeah yeah it's the most annoying guy like who would be the annoying you think to have on earth yeah it's not gonna also be because it's like if there's 50 people like a teacher from high school that's still around right and there's probably half of them are women right probably and then probably seven of them that'd be great if it was 49 dudes and one chick and you got to go find her oh wow the hunt no no so what would you do 50 people all right the first thing you do first thing i do yeah boom everyone's gone clothes drop boom what do i do well at first you would go Like, what? What's going on? All that. What's going on? Panic.
Panic. Sheer panic.
So after a week you find out, you know what I mean, that there's no one around. Then what do you do? I go to downtown LA.
Go to Skid Row. Because the bodies are gone, but the drugs are still there, right? Right? You know, they leave all the belongings.
Is that where all, I mean, there are other drugs other places. Where are they?

CVS. No, no, I'm talking

about H. I'm riding the horse.
I want a heroin.

So I'm going downtown, kiddo.

I'm going to a safe needle drop spot.

And I'm grabbing those needs,

jamming them in my arm, and also downtown, there's a Lamborghini

dealership, and I'm grabbing one of those things,

and I'm on the horse as I'm flying through LA

on that stuff, dude. And I'm driving right

to the sunset. On the 10.
Yeah, dude. Just horsed out of my mind.
Yeah, yeah. Whoa, dude.
Yeah. Dude, going as fast as I can, just slamming into shit.
And then as soon as I get to the beach where Washington meets the water, right off of the pier into the ocean. No.
Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah? And then I'm jerking off.
Wow. 100%.
But what, here's the horror. What if you can't die? Oh shit.
Like groundhog. Yeah, like groundhog.
You can't die. Well, then you find a new fun thing to do every single day.
Right. I would jump.
Well, a couple of times you want to jump off of something. You want to know what that feels like.
Yeah. Also fashion.
You can just wear whatever you want. Well, I'd be naked.
I'm not going to, well, I'm not going to bother with clothes. Not me.
So clothes socks and underwear i'd have like those gigantic green rave pants right with the loops with the i've always wanted to wear one of those little fucking hats with the little propeller right and you know what i would wear one of those like you know the eric griffin masks oh the big nose the big nose eric griffin masks right and i would probably take a tattoo gun And just be Tattooing yourself I would always Post Malone it Yeah On the face Yeah But what would I put Just like a bunch of Fours Four Four Just all over my face Some arbitrary number Right Yeah And then all of a sudden They come back Then I'm gonna be like what i got needles in my arm where have you guys been insane my teeth are all gone yeah wow it'd be fun to pull out a tooth that would be fun oh that's yeah the things that could go wrong i'll tell you what would go wrong what if you get sick oh yeah like i don't know how chemo works Or how to get it. I don't even know if I have, how do you even know you have cancer? I'll go to the scripts.
There's no one there. I don't even know.
I press a button. I don't know what to do.
You just sit in the machines by yourself. Yeah, yeah.
You print it out. I can't read this.
Yeah. And you leave.
Wow, wow. That'd be a nightmare.
It would be, that's the, you know what the lesson in life is guys we need people

so be nice to each other

that's exactly what

we need each other

we don't

we don't want a society

without

whether we agree

or disagree

we need each other

mmhmm

I always

you know I mean that

yeah

here's another fantasy

I have at night

yeah

because you know

I need fantasies

before I go to bed

and over the years

I just

Thank you. You know I mean that.
Yeah. Here's another fantasy I have at night.
Yeah. Because I need fantasies before I go to bed.
And over the years, I just put scenarios in my head. And I go, what if this happens? So I'm a big fan of the movie Highlander.
Love. Right.
So what if you couldn't die, but you were born from the beginning of time? Right. And you had to just live through time.
So you're immortal. Yeah.
But in my head, it's like if I looked five foot two in Asian, I could only hang out in Korea until like 1960. In my mind, I think that, right? Because there's no way, there's no part of history, right, where I'd be completely accepted, you know what I mean?

Well, yeah.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

What place, what place would you be accepted forever? What, Korea, China, I'd probably learn all the languages.

Asian languages.

You can pass for Mexican.

April?

See?

All right, maybe.

You sold me on it.

I probably wouldn't even know how to get there until 1960.

If I was you.

Yeah.

And I wanted to last from the beginning.

What time?

It'd be the islands.

All right.

anywhere on the We probably wouldn't even know how to get there until 1960. If I was you.
Yeah. And I wanted to last from the beginning.

What time?

It'd be the islands.

Oh, right.

Anywhere on the island. Any island.

Any island.

Right.

They're never going to fuck with you.

Because you look so native to a place surrounded by water.

You look like a guy that lives on a...

Thank you so much for saying that.

I've always thought that, but thank you for...

Am I wrong?

Thank you so much.

You look like a water boy.

Yeah, yeah.

But then who would I have sex with?

What do you mean? Nick, you're not around. Who would you have sex with on the island? Yeah.
Well, people would inhabit it. Natives would inhabit it.
Right. Right? Just brown people, like Samoans and stuff.
Yeah, darker yous. Darker yous.
Darker yous. Yeah, yeah.
But in my mind, yeah. I wouldn't even know what a white person is maybe.
What a blessing. But here's the thing.
To never see a white. Yeah.
But in my mind, I would love to have been at historical places. Oh, okay.
Like go to Jesus' shop. Did he have a little store? Yeah, yeah.
Like, oh, this nice ottoman. Not like really get involved.
He would probably know who I was. Like, oh that you know me that we god made from a long time you're more or whatever but what if jesus was you go in a store he's real chatty yeah like i walk in ding ding ding do they does there is there like a hey welcome how are you brother hey i'm just new in town you know i'm from where are you from palestine welcome thank you yeah something different about you.
Because all the other stores, they won't even let me in. Well, let me tell you some of those other people.
They don't have a heart like me. Oh, my arm fell off.
Oh, hold on. Whoa.
You're welcome. Thank you.
What's your name? Jesus. Hello, Jesus.
Last name? God. Oh, hi.

Hi, Jesus God.

Hi.

Hi.

What can I help you with today?

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for actually a guillotine.

Do you make those?

We make guillotines.

Yeah.

Oh, they're from where I'm from.

Oh, they call them gilla?

A guillotine?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Guilla.
Yeah. Oh, guillotine.
Guillotine. I'veilla? A guillotine? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, guillotine.

Yeah.

Oh, guillotine.

Guillotine.

I've been saying it wrong

for a long time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because we get a brochure,

a guillotine brochure,

and you know.

Yeah.

It just spelled guillotine.

I gotta tell you,

they're gonna kill me soon.

I gotta go.

They're gonna be killing me soon.

When?

Today.

Oh.

Yeah, people I trust a lot.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Some of my best friends, actually. Oh, because I was running into a guy named paul you know him yeah yeah yeah yeah good dude yeah yeah yeah good dude he taught me how to surf oh last week yeah yeah yeah at the dead sea oh cool no waves no waves and we still surfed it's an unbelievable bodyboarding bodyboarding yeah cool all right i

have a real genuine concern i need your help hold on because i want i want to help you please

oh he's got to pray I love you so much, and I'm going to be here as a friend.

This is friend talk with Bobby Lee.

And I'm going to be an open fucking vessel.

I'm not going to go for comedy.

I'm going to go for real.

Okay?

So what is your problem, my friend?

Are you being serious?

When I go momoji, momoji, momoji, momoji, right? And I do friend talk, I'm 100% serious. I'm not going to go for comedy at all.
I need your help. Go ahead.
I forgot my iCloud password, and I don't know how to reset that fucking thing. And it's really been driving me nuts.
No, what is my, I really have a concern,

and I'm being serious about this.

My memory feels like I'm slipping away.

Dude, bro, I swear to fucking God, dude,

the other night I thought I was losing my memory.

I've like started to forget things way more often. Me too, and here's another thing, dude.

The other day I was laying in bed, and I was like trying to think of arsenal players that i'm a big fan of and i couldn't remember like four or five of them what's going on with us no i'm being real me too i'm not making it so there's something in the water there's something going on where i'm like forgetting thing or sometimes i'll please play stardew Valley. And I'm like, if I had to pick turnips.

Not turnips.

What was it?

Oh, yeah.

It was melons.

Look, you just forgot that.

I forgot that.

I know.

I know.

And I was like running because I had to pick melons, right?

Because I had to make pincake.

Oh, pincake.

Yeah, because it was a pancake.

You tried to say pancake?

No, pincake.

Pink cake.

Oh, pincake. No, I didn't say it like that.
Okay. All right.
Right? And I'm like, because it was fucking Haley's birthday, right? No, Penny's birthday. I forgot that.
See? Right? And then I was running, and I was like, what am I running toward? Whoa. Like, I didn't know what I was running toward.
And I go, what was I doing? And I had to think for a while. I go, oh, while i go oh yeah melon melon what but when you're running for melons and you forget it that's that's a danger i've been running for melons my whole life dude so what is going on with you tell me what you forgot i'm doing little things now that i used to never do my memories usually i'm usually very sharp and well for you i've always said I have no long term memory

it's crazy

it's gone

but the short term

used to be so good

but I'm doing things

I used to never do

that would bother me

like what?

I'll put a thing somewhere

forget where I put it

and I never do that

I lost a car key

dude

I lost a car key

hello

what is going on?

the other day I was like

where's my car key?

I'm being real

where is it?

I lost a car key

it was in my hand

in your hand

I'm being real. Where is it? I lost a car key.
It was in my hand. In your hand.
The woman at the dealership goes, well, you got the car home because I have the second key. And you can throw it somewhere in your house.
You don't know. I can't.
I cannot tell you. Yeah.
And I'm telling you this. Without a find my, I would have no devices.
Oh, my God. Thank God for Find My.
Dude, without Find My, no devices. Isn't that a cousin of yours, Find My? Yeah.
That's what I meant. My cousin runs around.
Where's my phone? I find it. And he just runs around, dude.
I'm forgetting stuff, dude. I'm getting a little worried.
I'm not going to lie. Dude, I swear on my life right now, dude.
It's scaring me. I'm literally going through the same thing.
It's been in the last couple of weeks. I go, am I losing my mind? In fact, a couple of times, didn't I tell you guys on this podcast where I go, am I forgetting things? Do I seem like I'm losing? Do you remember I said that? But you know what I've learned to humble us out?

Stress and anxiety can make you feel

like you're not remembering stuff,

but it's because

your brain is overwhelmed.

There's too,

you know what it is?

There's too many things

clogging up the production line

and so nothing can get produced.

Oh my God.

You know when a chip bag gets caught?

You know,

like a chip bag is like,

oh fuck,

and it gets caught

and then you boop boop,

another one, and it gets another one in there? That's our brain. That's a chip bag it's like oh fuck and it gets caught and then you poop poop another one and it gets another one in there that's our brain that's a chip bag a chip a bag of chips in the machine machine yeah and all it needs nine sometimes you go b7 oh it meant to do b9 but all you and now you're getting the fucking you know i mean you need a six all you drop and knock everything out whoa i never thought about yeah, yeah.
So I'm taking an A6 in a couple of days. You are.
I'm A6ing out to Hawaii. And what are you going to do there? Golf? Don't even golf.
Mukulakihiki. You're going to golf there? I'm not, I want to lay you.
Whoa. Who are you going with? Who are you going with? Who are you going with? A good friend of mine.
Barbadookk Salamanan. Barbadouk Salamanan was my shaman for many years.
Oh, I know. You told me about it.
I read his book. Barbadouk Salamanan.
Yeah, yeah. The one thing I hate is- Happy Nights.
He wrote Happy Nights. Happy Nights.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He makes me dock.
I don't want to dock. He makes me dock with him.
But that's because you're trying to connect energy. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Barbadook is a strange guy.
Yeah.

When you and I talk, yours swallows up mine.

It does.

And it's like, it's not right.

It's too, the power, your power is too much.

No, you know what it looks like?

You know those little attachments on a vacuum?

Yours is the attachment hose and mine is the one that clips in.

Oh, right, right, right.

And I suck it in.

You suck it so hard.

What does the rest of the summer hold for us? Greatness. We're going to Montana.
I'm going to Montana. Oh, yeah.
Well, let's make an announcement. We're going to Montana because Bobby's going up there to shoot a movie or a TV show? A movie.
With who? What? Who's in it? That's good. Who's in it? Why? Who's in it? Jim Belushi.
Famous. You love him? Yeah, what do you mean? Legend.
Yeah, he's the man.

Yeah. According to Jim?

That guy. And he's got a weed show,

right? That's great. And then I'm doing it

with Miss Jones. Oh, my

mom. Hi, it was downtown in Katie's

apartment today. Ready to help her move.
We'll chat

tomorrow.

Is that a translator?

It's probably like...

It's probably like... It's probably like a phone translator.
Yeah. I love her so much.
When I saw her, I hugged her so deep. They were happy to see you when they ran into you.
I really love them. Let me read you this poem, though, real quick.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing... I can't even read it.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river.

And I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond.

And I'm also the grass snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.

I am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to Uganda. I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself in the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate.
I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving. Wow.
What are you looking up? What is that? He goes, wow. Oh, I saw something wild.
What did you see wild? I was at a coffee shop. And the gentleman making the coffee had one.
He had two arms, but only one hand. And it was- Wait, wait, let me stop.
You know me. I need visual position.
He had two arms. So two arms and what? One hand.
One hand was missing. That good.
Yeah. Okay, the hand's missing.
Okay. And I didn't notice it until he handed me my coffee.
With obviously the nub hand. Yeah, but the nub was inside my coffee.
And he moved it like that. Oh, I see.
Yeah. Got all over the place.
No, I assume it was the one with the grip. No, like a chess piece.
He went, your move. All right.
Your move. Oh, it's like a rook.
He was rook to pawn. Rook to pawn.
Yeah, rook to pawn. Latte, rook to pawn.
I see. No, but he had one hand.
And honestly, I'm not mocking him at all. He was Rook to Pawn.
Rook to Pawn. Yeah, Rook to Pawn.
Latte, Rook to Pawn. I see.
No, but he had one hand

and honestly, I'm not mocking him at all.

He was unbelievably

fast doing the orders, taking the thing.

and it was so quick and I thought

how is it

no fingers

I mean look

move things around like

there's a coffee cup right here

if it spills

most of the time it's I mean look Yeah yeah Move things around like Well I mean Let's say there's a coffee cup right here right

If it spills

Most of the time it's gonna spill

Most of the time it's gonna spill

And maybe the nub is more sensitive

It had one of

You know the coffee sleeve

You put on the outside of a cup

He had that on his nub

Yeah

You know

Here's what I don't like

You know here's what I don't like

That's very funny

You know what I don't like

When they have a nub

But only two fingers

Oh

Get those right yeah

Yeah

I mean it's like

Thank you. You know, here's what I don't know.
That's very funny. You know what I don't like? When they have a nub, but only two fingers.
Oh, get those right. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it's like, you know, just commit to one. You know what I would do every time? If I did have a nub every, every time, like this, like that rock.
If I had a nub. Yeah.
I'd be like, yo, throw me that rock. Yeah.
Yeah. Toss to me.
Ah, fuck. I would do it with the nub hand.
I try to go for it with the nub hand. And people would laugh.
Yeah. Because it bit right like dude you know you got to give yourself a little bit right right right like he i don't think he said anything about it because but if i'm him you know what i mean what no i don't i would make a joke about it yeah dude you know you'd have to say something yeah yeah he's like you uh you what kind of milk what kind of milk do you want what oat milk okay yeah uh you Okay.
Yeah. Do you want anything inside of it? Vanilla? Here's what I don't want inside of it.
What? Your nub. I think it'll taste funny.
Excuse me? Yeah, I just don't want nub in my coffee. You're rubbing my nub the wrong way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now rub it for good luck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
You'd have to pound everyone. You'd have to.
Oh, you know what? It'd be cool if you had the one hand missing and you saw another guy with one hand. You probably from across the restaurant go.
And they go. Right? Like we're late.
Yeah. Yeah.
Now, by the way, did I over tip the guy with the nub? Yes, you did. Under tip.
He need half as much. Right.
Yeah. No, I over tip him.
I put 20 i put 20 you always do i put 20 bucks in the thing yeah but but it's he's not it's not like you know what i mean no like i don't i'm a sucker you're i felt bad but it's like i shouldn't feel bad burn victims we see them all the time are they uh burn victims you see them a lot yeah when's the last time you saw a burn victim? Pahrump.

Pahrump, Nevada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where they keep them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw one burn victim in Pahrump.

You go to Pahrump.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I almost did yesterday?

Here you go.

On the way to the store, I almost went to Carnies, and it's been years since I've had a hot dog at Carnies.

Love at that place.

I know I should go.

I don't know.

When's the last time you had a hot dog?

Yeah.

When's the last time you had a hot dog?

Three days ago from Doghouse.

You eat hot dogs at all?

I'll see you next time. I know I should go.
I don't know. When's the last time you had a hot dog? Yeah.
When's the last time you had a hot dog?

Three days ago from Doghouse.

You eat hot dogs that often? I love hot.

Dude, let me say something about hot dogs.

Wait, what?

You eat hot dogs more than-

Dude, that's why I always purposely go to Chicago airport.

For the hot dogs.

Because I need a Chicago dog.

Me too, but it's a very special occasion.

You're eating a midweek.

You're eating like a hot dog on a Wednesday? Yeah. That's insane to me.
Dude, I love a Chicago dog. Me too, but it's a very special occasion.
You're eating a midweek. You're eating like a hot dog on a Wednesday?

Yeah.

That's insane to me.

Dude, I love them hot dogs.

And I've been really getting into Smashburgers as of late,

but I love Doghouse.

That's nice.

But always something bad happens at Doghouse.

You know why?

Why?

Because Doghouse is where I found out that my dad was dying.

Are you serious? Yeah. And you still go back? Yeah, I was in the in the Burbank doghouse I remember sitting there I didn't even eat my meal You left the dog Yeah I left two dogs Two dogs And tater tots I got it Yeah yeah And I'm And I go yeah Daddy And I go oh fuck Every time I go to a doghouse Something bad kind of happens Ever since then You think about your dad Yeah maybe that's That's so sad Yeah it's very sad We should go Make it a happy We should go to a dog house, something bad kind of happens ever since then.
You think about your dad. Yeah, maybe that's what it is.
That's so sad. Yeah, it's very sad.
We should go. Make it a happy...
We should go to dog house and do something for your dad. You want to do that? I would love to do that.
Yeah, yeah. Why have his ashes? Maybe sprinkle some on there? On a dog? Yeah, yeah.
I usually just do mustard, but I can't. Bring him the spirit radio, see if he's there.
We should bring the spirit radio to the dog house, see if we can contact your father through hot dogs. Yeah, please.
Did your dad like hot dogs? Hated them. That's why.
He fucking hated them. Yeah, maybe he hated them.
Right. You know, I was, this lady goes, I saw the Rolling Stones last weekend and they were great and she showed me a video.
What the fuck? How? The stones? Yeah. How are they still doing it? Yeah, Mick Jagger just going out, I mean, how's he it he's probably the he's probably in the best shape ever he's 80 but it's amazing keith richards is alive because yeah he smoked what a pack of marlboro marlboros every day for like 30 years or whatever yeah and he's still up there it's proof that it's all bullshit it's it's it's it's an accident delaney's young she might die tomorrow right it who knows oh You could live to be 96 years old.
I know. Chances are actually higher that you'll outlive.
In fact, I read a study that says some people that exercise too regularly have a higher risk of dying because stress that exercise puts on your body. It does.
Exercise has stress. There are stress related things that goes to your heart.
Yeah. Like my organs don't move much.
They don't need to move. Yeah, maybe they're being preserved in my body.
Yeah, you're pickling yourself. Yeah, I'm pickling my own body.
That's great. Heavy stress from, like people who usually live, look, working out's obviously good for you, but people who live a lifestyle that work out often tends to be the same kind of personality traits of people that lose sleep because they're overworking.
Some people die from drinking water. Never.
Well, if you drink too much. Yeah.
There was one girl that did it one time. That's what I'm talking about.
What's that? The girl that died from drinking. What did she drink? Like eight gallons of water? No, there was a college kid who took Molly and he got scared.
He kept drinking water and died. That's how you die on Molly.
You think you're dehydrated. Indiana woman dies from drinking too much water.
I wonder what the first sign is of pain. A dizziness.
They say dizziness and you start to get headache, real bad headache. And then you drink more water thinking that'll help your headache.
Interesting. That is crazy, man.
It's like when somebody's on a reality show alone or naked and afraid. Yeah.
They can't eat right away. No, because- Like, I'm going gonna get a fucking philly cheese that would kill you well you'd throw they throw up usually your stomach is shrunk by that point you could die maybe even what would you what's the first thing you would eat peanut a peanut like if i'm like on a show like alone like okay give me a peanut first i don't to die.
I don't overwhelm my system. One peanut?

Shifts in electrolyte levels can cause serious complications,

including seizures, heart failure, and comas.

If you just got off the show, you and I did Naked and Afraid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right?

Yeah.

We're done.

They're like, anywhere you want to go.

Anything you want to eat.

You don't go right to fucking Barcelona and go to a restaurant.

No.

You have to go to a camp.

They have doctors and stuff that observe your body.

I know.

I'm saying the first meal you have when you get home.

But this is right when I'm off the show or when I go home?

Thank you. restaurant no you you have to go to a camp they they have doctors and stuff that observe your body i know i'm saying the first meal you have when you get home but this is right when i'm off the show or when i go pretend that it is for the sake of are we going home together you and i yeah we're going out to eat together okay so we would probably go to what restaurant would we go to mastro's i would want to stay i'd want steak potatoes vegetables salad i'd want a fucking little bone marrow.
I would slurp up some, vegetables, salad. I'd want a fucking little-

Bone marrow.

I would slurp up some bone marrow.

And that bacon, that cracked bacon.

I want cracked bacon.

Cracked bacon, yeah, yeah.

Sugar cracked bacon, baby.

And then I would get fucking-

Seafood tower.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you know what we get?

Caviar with creme fraiche.

Right on your nipples.

I'll lick them off.

You really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't even have to be creme fraiche for me. It could be your- My creme fraiche? Yeah, yeah.
My creme. Dude, I would literally probably do that if I was starving.
You're hungry enough. Yeah, yeah.
If I had some like caviar- But I'd make you watch me cook, you know? What do you mean? I'd stand right there while I'm cooking. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, anyway. If you're gonna eat the chef's meals, and the chef's got a taste as you know he has to spoon his own that's a i don't think bread would be good would it oh my god yeah like a whole sourdough bread do we went to dinner a couple nights ago i ate a whole you know when they bring out the bread basket i ate the whole thing to myself i love fucking housed it housed it yeah my wife was like what are you doing yeah i was like we didn't eat lunch i'm hungry there's sticks in there there oh yeah you like when they do that I'll eat the sticks I don't like the sticks you don't like the breadsticks I like the warm like bready bread you like the pretzel bread that's what you like how do you know that that's my favorite how do you know that because we eat together that's right I love the pretzel bread oh yeah I love pretzel buns on like hot dog you know who has it I don't care what you say.
Wiener schnitzel. Yeah, I know you like that.
Chicago dog with a pretzel bun. That's it, dude.
Wiener schnitz. I'll tell you my glorious day of eating.
A perfect day of eating for breakfast. Like we said.
Pussy. Oh, sorry.
Yeah. Of course, pussy.
Yeah, yeah. Baked beans.
That's my second breakfast. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Your perfect breakfast is baked beans.
Spam, rice, egg, and kimchi. Done.
Lunch. Chicago dog with a pretzel bun.
Tater tots with some sort of spicy like dip. Oh, yeah.
Spicy mayo. Yeah.
Dinner. No, here we go.
Here we go. I don't know.
That's what I mean. I don't know.
There's so many options. Too many.
Yeah. The Chicago Cubs have invited me to throw out the first pitch and sing the seventh inning stretch in Chicago.
No. September 6th against the New York Yankees.
Wow. Yeah.
Congratulations. I would love for you to be there.
I can't. Okay.
I will not be there. Fine.
I'm going to watch you pitch. Are you in your mind? You'll come out with me.
No, I'm not going out there, dude. Come on.
They're not going to know me. You'll be the catcher.
I'll be the pitcher, just like in real life. Gay sex joke.
Congratulations. That's a huge thing, dude.
I can't wait, man. They reached out and they said they know they would love for me to do it so I'm gonna throw out the first pitch so you and I here's what I want to do I need to warm up will you do I'll do it you warm me up I'll warm you up dude okay so congratulations you want to watch me warm up on patreon you got to watch me and Bobby are gonna go in honor of Brody Stevens we'll go to a cage in uh is it? Huh? Sepulveda? We'll go to one of those cages up north in the valley somewhere where he used to throw.
Congratulations. That's a huge thing.
Yes! Santino! Yeah, I'm going to get to throw out the first pitch and sing the seventh inning stretch, which I can't wait. It's funny how you don't think your friend is big, but they are.
You don't think I'm so mean. No, you know, I mean mean you don't look at me like i'm just your friend bob you don't think of like what you know i don't think of you like a famous guy yeah i do yeah you seem to yeah same to you but you but you know uh yeah it takes you out of it's just weird well when you see like I'll see like You know Nikki Glaser on something I go oh shit Yeah Well she's on everything Yeah or any of your friends Will you watch a movie And go oh fuck That guy's in the Oh yeah That's my friend He's in a movie Yeah yeah Thank you for being Bad friend Thank you for being A bad friend.
I'm tired, guys.

Heads up.

I mean, it's...

He ran around all fucking day.

The guy had shit to do all fucking day.

I did.

He had to go to a fucking meeting, go to a podcast.

He had to go return a motorcycle.

He had to go meet someone at his old house.

He had to meet someone at his new house.

Then he had to run back across town and do errands. And then on top of that, he had to take a couple of meeting phone calls about writing projects he's involved in.
Dude, the guy's been working all fucking day. You know what Andrew had to do? Andrew was very busy too, guys.
You know? All day. You gotta wake up, hang out with his fucking Hollywood friends at the golf studio, playing golf, do a couple of tees.
Everything I named I did today. Everything I named I did today.
I did the same thing too. You didn't do shit.

You woke up and you didn't do shit.

No, I didn't.

Fuck you.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm tired.

Suck my fucking dick.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't do shit.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay?

Back to the old days.

We're going back to the beginning of Bad Friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't do shit.

You know what?

Sleep all fucking day.

I'll tell you this then.

You contribute.

Your lips.

Goose.

Goose egg. Your lips are so dry and blending into your face That I can't even tell That there is lips Okay Get your shit together Get some lips Yeah that's good Yeah yeah yeah And your two little Bump teeth coming out dude You're hitting it hard What are you a beaver You're hitting it hard You're a beaver dude Yeah dude You know what I mean You're hitting it hard today You want some wood Make a dam Whatever they do You know what I mean Clog it up dude Clog up the? Whatever they do.
You know what I mean? Clog it up, dude. Clog up the river, dude.
This is good. What are you wearing? You know what he's wearing? What John Travolta was wearing after the murder at Pulp Fiction, remember? Shut the fuck up.
Get your foot together, dude. What's wrong with it? Oh my god, your legs, too? Anyway, it's out of control, dude.
Don't fuck around started. Don't fuck shut the fuck up Tell me what you do.
See this is what I know when he's not good fat fuck. Oh, you cuz I'm morbidly obese

I put my my my put my fucking weight and my height and I'm a fucking app thing