Fish Butt Dog & White Eyes Bucko

At BadFriendsMerch.com, we have this beautiful shirt designed by this kid, yours truly. I love this album, but I always thought that the baby should be me.
And it is you now. It is me.
Now it's a little baby Bobby. It's a legendary album, and I think you should get this shirt.
So go to BadFriendsMerch.com, BadFriendsMerch.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
This is not a play. You know what I mean? This is not like you got to get in the costume.
You're feeling... I'm playing me.
Bobby Lee. Yeah, this will go in the show.
You know? Here's the thing. You don't want to wear your own merch because...
Right now I don't. Because it's his town.
If he said, hey, as an option, I would have done it. Who said that? This guy.
But if he was... He forced it.
Like, yo, sew those Nikes back in the sweatshop days. That's what he said.
You know what I mean? Like, Kathie Lee Gifford attitude. Attitude.
She made those kids sew those Nikes? Yeah, yeah. Sew those Nikes.
I'm not sewing Nikes for you, white man.

Bobby, would you wear your own T-shirt?

No, not anymore.

It's over now.

That's over.

You're going to make money off.

We're going to sell it out.

We're going to sell it out.

You're doing white eyes on me?

Yeah, I'll do white eyes all day to you, dude.

We're going to sell them out.

All right, buddy?

All right, Paco? Because you love the whites, huh? Okie dokie, bucko. Your attitude, too.
I come in here, dude, frown face, negative. You know what I mean? Aggressive, not nice.
Projecting. Projecting.
Exactly. You're projecting it onto me.
No, he's saying you're projecting it. You're projecting onto me your bad energy, dude.
What did I do? What did I say? Earlier, I was sitting there What's your vibe about? What did I say? I forgot But I didn't like it Welcome back Rudy Jules We love you My god It's like family coming home. It's been so long.
It's been so long. And? What have you been up to? Where have you been? I lost my passport and visa.
So you came crawling back to bad friends. Can someone please get me passport and visa? When does it run out? I don't know because it got stolen.

So I'm basically illegal.

Oh, so we can call somebody right now

and get you in trouble.

Yeah, call.

I'm calling INS.

Call Damien.

You know Damien from INS.

Yep, INS.

Can you phone them?

No, it's got to be email.

That's not efficient.

No wonder we got so many illegals in this country.

Hey, forget about it.

Forget about it. All right, so who stole stole your passport who do you think stole your passport where did you get it what nothing go for it to blame me why would i blame you who stole it who stole it no i was i was just gonna say something like random say something how did you lose? What day did you know it was gone? It was on June 3rd.
It says it got delivered by the front door. And then when I arrived at 5 p.m., it arrived at 2 p.m.
And so when I arrived at the house, I just saw the envelope already open. Whose house? At his house? No.
Your house? Your house. Someone stole it.
No, that's not a Filipino passport. He's sacrificing his own.
Yeah. Wow.
That's good immigrant, dude. That's good immigrant stuff, dude.
Yeah. So we're going to- Throw it to me.
Are you showing off? You know how funny that is that you're- Close. Wow, dude.
Does this mean... Wait.
Oh, this is McCones. Damn, dude.
That's such a bad photo. That is such a stupid photo of you.
You know what? I'm going to be positive. I haven't seen it yet, but I love you, dude.
I want to be positive. I'm going to be real with you, dude.
All right. Check it out.
So many tries no tries no tries you said the first you said the first take was good they only give you one try yeah yeah dude let me just say something what do you know how to smile on command no this was. He was like one half.
Yeah. I'm a girl from Minnesota.
I'm an American. How do we get back your passport? I have to apply all over again.
I have to apply for my tourist visa, my student visa, and my passport. We're going to try to help you here.
Sounds like you need us more than you ever thought yeah yeah but can i just say something yeah go on why is it so unfair that for a filipino passport you can only go to like certain countries and for a usa passport you can literally go anywhere usa usa usa that's why but that's why bud that That's why, bud. We have a good chant.

Why?

We have a good chant.

You can't chant, Filipino!

Filipino!

It doesn't work.

But I want to go...

Where do you want to go?

Like, to Europe.

No, they don't want you, though.

That's the problem.

They don't want you.

They don't want you, baby.

We have enough.

What?

We have enough.

We have enough.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, that seems a little too real. Do they have hospitals in Europe? No.
They don't? No. Well, then they don't want you.
Yep. Hotels and hospitals.
Even to go to Japan. I need a visa for Japan.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The Japanese are weary. Yeah, they're weary of you.
And why wouldn't they? When you're weary, feeling When tears are in That's the Japanese Oh, that's not even Japanese singing No, it's not When you're weary There it is When you're weary Feeling the sad When a tear in your eye I don't know the rest Very good Thank you so much What have you been up to, you nerd? Are you still dating that guy? Yeah, he is. Yeah.
Jesus, I'm in. Whoa.
And we fucked already. Jesus.
Whoa, dude. That's an easy way to say it.
But why did you buy another? Oh, God. What are you talking about, lady? Well, I was cleaning.
You bought three more.

Jerk machines?

Wow.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

I've been at.

Okay, so check this out, okay?

Western bagel.

Just listen to what I'm saying.

Listen to my logic here.

They sell sex toys?

No, no, they don't.

Just listen to my logic, okay?

Western bagel.

Noah's bagels, right? There's a bunch of bagels places i go every day different varieties every day different right right because i like a change and i like different you know companies that make certain things so my point is is that you know you don't watch just one movie right like if I watched A Quiet Place day one a thousand times,

I'd be bored, you know what I mean?

That's a day a thousand for me, right?

This makes sense.

It makes complete sense, right? So I, okay, what I'm saying is that I like a variety of things.

And I'm going to tell you this too.

I found the brand that I'm going to stick with.

I found my Diet Coke.

I found my Diet Coke.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

So clap for that.

And that was the reason why I know the brand

and I found the thing is because I tried all the other ones.

Right.

I think that's what her name is i named her yeah lola and i kiss i wash it first and i kiss it I go good night Lola and put it back yeah yeah does it respond but I so anyway you're you're you're what are you now what are you done with school no I'm already a senior in college oh my god and I graduate next year amazing oh. That's so weird.
On this show, the course of the show, you went through college. I was in high school when I started.
You were a senior in high school here when you started. Isn't that incredible? Yeah.
And now look at you. Now you're old and haggard.
You do look older. You do look older.
What do you mean? Yeah, you do. You look haggard.
Yeah. How? When I first saw you, I thought it was Kalilah.
I thought, Kalilah, what are you? And then, oh, oh, Rudy.y i mean i'm not kidding that's a compliment well okay depends on who yes um anyway you do look older and your face i can tell you're gonna say i'm i got fat no you're never gonna get fat no yes you will i know Yeah i know yeah but you're i can tell now the evolution of your face and it's gonna get scrunchier and scrunchier and it's gonna be like a fucking box like you like yours yes i have a scrunchy face yeah okay and i'm i that hurt so bad But I want to be so nice to her because I want her to come back. So you're right.
I have a scrunchy face, okay? I have to ask you something. You have a girl that cleans your house that isn't this girl.
What are you doing? I reposition. Yeah.
You have a girl that cleans your house. It's not this girl.
And somebody cleans your house and you gave her a bunch of merch from the fully loaded tour.

How do I know this?

How do you know this?

Do you know how insane this is? Yeah.

How do you know this?

Dude, this is such like this.

The world is so small.

Oh my God.

So my cousin who, you know, his friend is staying with someone who cleans your house. That's not what happened.
He sent me a text. That's not what happened.
And he goes, Bobby gave away all his fully loaded merch. And her bed was a display of Osos poros.
That's not what happened. Yes, it is.
I'm going to tell you how that happened. How did it happen? Okay.
number one you get when you get a gift bag you don't want all of it so i puck start over no no when you get a gift bag right you don't okay i picked i picked the ones i wanted and you gave the rest so there's two things i wanted all right the you know the the apple ear headphones great great great a little button i like it right there was a neck thing where it blows air into your neck love you have one of those yeah they're the best they're the best they're the best okay and then the rest i was like i don't need it so you gave it to that's not what happened so i called jenna she's my emergency right so she number one. But lately, she doesn't want to clean my house anymore.
You. You.
No. It's you.
It's you and you know it. No, I keep asking.
It's you and you know it. Let's go past it.
All right. It's you and you know it.
Let's go past it. Okay.
But I love you like a family. Okay.
But I can tell you don't want to do it as often. And it's fine.
So I've had to resort to other things. I have Hispanics.
All right, so that's my number one. It's a two.
Good. My number three is Jenna.
She sounds white. But she's not, right? She's not.
She's not. Mexican.
Thank you. Kept in the Hispanic family then.
Exactly. So why'd you exclude her from Hispanics? Because there's two different kinds.
right and she goes i can't do it but because i'm seeing somebody yeah and she she keeps saying how nasty my house is okay because of ming oh you know yeah pees on everything right right and jenna goes i can't do it so then she goes i have have a friend. You remember? And I go, I don't know.
Well, Bloop Bloop is available. I go, who's Bloop Bloop? And she's like, well, she's trustworthy.
She comes over. Now, I had gotten the box from the burp question thing.
And I had, you know, when you get a box, you don't fold things. You do this.
Yeah. Dig through it.
You dig through it. i'm digging through it right oh earful dig for neck you know dig dig so it was like an ied went off in there she comes over and i go you gotta organize she goes oh and i go but you know what just throw it away she goes uh well i can take it i go you want this stuff great stuff by the way great company Esos Esos yeah Osos whatever Porosos right great company and great tour and great people I'm just not gonna wear it because you know I mean AA I don't wanna promote liquor right smart very smart let her promote it so she goes she took it all yeah and that's the last I thought I would ever hear from it until now it's amazing how the world goes around

isn't that crazy

how small the world is

the other day

you know what I ran to

your family

yeah you did

I'm at a coffee shop

right

and then I hear

hey

I look over

it's your

a family member of yours

my sister

yeah I don't wanna

you can say my sister

your sister

I have a sister

yeah

and her

hunky

I'm

ooh la la

All right. I don't want to.
You can say my sister. Your sister.
I have a sister. Yeah.
And her hunky.

I'm ooh la la.

Honk honk honk.

Be honest.

Honk machine.

He's a sharp legit. Just like the Northman.

Right.

You just stand there with a fucking Alfred coffee.

Right.

Hey.

Hey.

I go, you know, when I'm around guys like that, I do a half hug. Yeah, you do.
Right? And I put my hand against their chest. I go, hey.
Right? Just to have the leverage. Yeah.
Unless they get aggressive. Right.
Just in case. Just in case.
You see my mom and my dad? I saw your mom. I saw your wife's parents too.
Mm-hmm. And it was like I ran to them.
Did they tell you? Yeah. I ran to them as if they were my own family.
That's very sweet. Hugs.
You did give a lot of hugs, I heard. I hugged everyone.
Okay. People were shocked to see you in public.
My mom was like, Bobby goes outside? That's literally what my mom said. Does Bobby go outside i know because when you because when you're dating

people they want to go outside you have to go outside but you're like i don't want to go outside right and they're like well then i'm gonna see somebody else so i'll go to the beach or whatever it might be i've been doing all kinds of weird shit you're outside i went to universal i did the wind machine what because of her you went to the you went to universal studios i took a class and everything.

I was sitting in a class

taking notes about like

what to do

and what not to do Like you're not ready To do the flips And the rolls Put your hands out like this Feel the air You know what I mean And then all the symbols Of like I mean the hand gestures Did you really fly? Yeah I flew But my point point is that you went at Universal City, the mall.

You got suspended in a vacuum machine.

You didn't fly.

Go ahead.

No, I don't want to go ahead.

Dude, go ahead.

You starting it.

Yeah, guy, I'm going to tell you this right now, dude.

And before there were jokes, before there were jokes, okay?

This is not a joke, okay?

I will not do your movie. This is not a joke.
This is not a thing. In fact, anyone listening right now, when you watch his zombie movie, you will not see me in it because of what he just said just now.
That's right. All right? I will not.
I refuse to. You fly beautiful.
No, no. You can't.
You can't. It't it's over anyway i did fly i'm a flying machine you saw my family got coffee it was nice it was really nice really nice to see everyone is in my house for fourth of july yeah it was a little overwhelming i'm not gonna lie we have a lot of family having everybody over at your place is tough it It's like one.
And everybody wants something.

Everybody wants something.

And you don't want to.

You just.

What do they want?

Give me the three things they want.

I'll be the guy.

Food.

I'm your assistant.

Okay, food.

We'll get food.

I don't have an assistant.

Let's just say him.

Food.

Call me.

Just Jiminy.

Hey, Jiminy.

Boss, boss.

Hey, boss.

Hey, Jiminy.

I don I know but the marshmallows the marshmallows you told me to put on my body right I mean you already licked them off so I just thought I could I asked you to get new ones why do you think I want you to go to the grocery store You're supposed to put marshmallows all over your body every day I'll be right back boss Thank you Look at my little Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Hey boss I got the notepad What does your family Good. Yes.
Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
A. Yeah, that one you can't spell, can you? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Good. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, I know what that means, the A. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And then C, B, C, E, three. Sunscreen.
Sunscreen. Oh, yeah, Albinos Albinos The albinos

Okay I'll be right back boss

Thank you Jimmy

That's not a lot

It doesn't seem like a lot

Nah that's not

It's just everybody

You know you gotta host

You have to be a host

Being a host is hard

You'll never host at your house

I've hosted

Have I not hosted

Christmas

At the Kalilah hosted

Boom

You didn't do shit

I hosted

You tried to help

That's hosting

How

What did he do

Like

Thank you. Boom! You didn't do shit I hosted You tried to help That's hosting How? What did he do? Like Be honest Be real for once Your energy? Dude That's You know Look up hosting dude No don't I was just kidding Right? But I assume That hosting energy Has a lot to do with it.
You need 60% energy.

60%?

When you're hosting.

No.

How many percentage?

I have zero energy because you're doing for others the whole time.

Oh, I save my energy for the host.

And that's why I don't leave the house.

That's right.

Every year I'll help the host.

I just save it.

You help the host.

But now you have to be the host because you're home alone. I do host.

I do host.

You're home alone, kid.

Fuck hosting then.

You're right.

Anyway, are they gone now? Yeah. Everybody's gone and it's so quiet and nice.
But I had to remove a couch cushion last night because my dog had anal secretions all over the couch cushions. Oh, our dogs do that.
I hate it so much. Fish butt.
Fish butt. It stinks, dude.
It's the worst. Why, dude? It's a brand new couch why what she she she's only done it when she's like in her little bed or something but for some reason she jumped on the brand new couch the fireworks are going off for the fourth of july and she was because she was scared i know dude but be scared in the bed secrete on the bed now it's all over the couch so what would you do i got fish butt couch i set it on fire no you didn't i burnt my house down because i because of ming and the p i'm fingering i i want i want to know what i have to do okay so i had to call the manufacturing company that made our couch that we just bought it from and they have a special solution that i have to use to clean it you can just spray it no dude no you can't that shit is in It's in the couch.
But it eventually dries out and turns into flakes. Little fish flakes.
But doesn't it... Okay.
No, it's in there. I just spray.
I think that's the right thing. I don't even wipe.
I just spray. And that's why people are coming over saying, this is gross.
It's pretty gross. Yeah.
You need to clean this up. But isn't...
I want to ask, I'm being real. I haven't Googled it yet.
Isn't there something that comes over with equipment and just fucking cleans your couch? Yeah. But that's it.
But that's like a big deal. That's like a whole couch clean.
That's like a, you talking about when they, uh, when they, uh, when they. Yeah.
I want that. Someone did that to your other couch to Bobby.
Don't you remember? Yeah, the Stanley Steamer.

You got a Stanley Steamer over there.

But let me tell you something.

Yeah.

I just am learning about, you know,

it's called expressing the anal glands of your dog.

You have to express the glands when they clean them.

Did you do it on your own?

I did.

Like you went in?

I learned how to express online.

Wow.

What do you have to do?

Well, wait, what is that? Is that it? Yeah. Wait a minute.
Go back. That's it? Yeah.
Zoom in. Did you do that? Because if you're not doing that, you're not doing it.
Well, see, I... Oh, you use your penis? You don't use your penis.
Wait, wait. Wait, seriously, is that really it? Yeah, that's it.
Because it said on this one thing that I read that if you just put your lips up to it, then you just go, oh, yeah, that, yeah. Yeah, they...
Look at what a dog's face looks like when you have to open up its tush. Look at how embarrassed that guy is.
I know. Look at how embarrassed that poor guy is.
Well, they wear pants, guy. Yeah, it's not our fault you're naked, dude.
I know, guy. Yeah, I learned how to express the anal glands.
It sucked. Let me see.
If you were expressing my anal glands, I want to see my look. Yeah, look at what your face would be.
Look. Yeah.
Same look. Side by side.
What do you think? I do. Yeah, it does suck.
So you did it on your own? Yeah, we got that fish butt gown. You have to.

We tried it with our dog, but it was too hard.

It is hard.

But the woman who does her grooming, she's going to come and she said she's going to do it end of this week.

But is it because of stress?

Why did they do it?

Dogs have it for all sorts of reasons.

Some people at home, send in your suggestions of why your dog has fish butt.

Some dogs because they're stressed.

Some dogs get it because they're old. Some dogs aren expressed enough dude what if fish get dog butt I thought what if fish get dog butt when they're stressed out yeah they might interesting they really might in the ocean in the ocean yeah but we can't get there to smell it yeah that fish has dog butt doesn't want anybody else to know.
Don't come near him. Yeah.
That's why I think I hated it. Dogs do human lips when they take photos.
No, they don't. Have you ever seen a chicken's butt? Wait, what? A chicken's butt? Yeah.
What? It does the mouth. It does the...
What do you mean? It's got lips?

Whoa, what is that?

No, not that.

Just a tiny one.

Is that a sack?

What is that? What is that?

A hemorrhoid?

Yeah, it's a swollen.

Yeah, no, go to a regular one.

Do not have a fucking swollen one.

That's the chicken's butt?

That's it?

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, what's wrong with that butt?

It looks like a butt.

No, I'm just saying in the Philippines,

we would like...

Oh, Filipino chickens.

Here we go.

Here we go.

What happened to the Philippines

with chicken's butts?

Because we had chickens

and then my uncle would show us Thank you. No, I'm just saying in the Philippines, we would like- Oh, Filipino chickens.
Here we go. Here we go.
What happened to the Philippines with chickens' butts?

Because we had chickens and then my uncle would show us like, oh, look at this.

And then he would grab the chicken and he would like-

On the butt.

He'd blow on its butthole?

Yeah, and then the lips would-

And then the butt would be like a lips.

I know.

Can I just say, theoretically though,

I think all buttholes

when somebody's blowing does that.

Well, come here, let me try.

We've done that before.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, look at the chicken's butt.

But who's the first Filipino dude to do that?

This guy had been going on for centuries.

Yeah, yeah.

Some guy had to try it the first time.

Look at this.

This is a Filipino girl.

This is what happens when you blow on a chicken's butt.

Let's see it.

Let's see.

So, okay, I want to...

Do all the people...

Okay, that's the...

No, you got to rewind it.

Yeah, we want to see it.

We want the blow.

We want the style.

We want the video.

We want the video.

It's for you, Victor.

No! Okay, here we go. All right What's the blow? What's the style?

Okay, here we go

Yeah, oh I see it doing it's doing it now. Yeah, yeah, I see it

Okay

It did an extra thing.

Don't you guys have toys? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, dude.

That's incredible.

That's like a popular thing.

Instead of fucking Xbox, you guys have that in the Philippines?

And you're wondering why you need a passport to go to Europe.

This is why.

That's what you guys do, huh?

Why can't I get into Japan and Europe?

Because you guys blow in chicken's assholes.

You lunatics.

It's lunatics.

That's insane to do that.

That's a fun game.

It was.

Until now.

That's interesting.

I wonder why the chicken does that, their butthole.

Yeah.

Well, it's ready for something.

I know.

I wonder what happened if I put my penis in there. Look, he's kissing me.
Blow me kisses. But also, can I just say something? What a large butthole for a bird? Well, it got big.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It got big.
It stays tight, but it gets big. What have you been doing? Have you been blowing in buttholes? Nothing.
Just work. Where are you working now? Still at school.

You're working at that school?

Yeah.

I thought you quit that job.

I'm still doing it.

Can I just say something?

Wow.

You work hard at work, right?

I'm the best.

You're the best, right?

It's such an easy job and I'm getting paid for it.

Oh, mine's arduous and rough.

Yeah.

It's like 10 times

worse. Why? Because you have

to move, you have to clean shit,

you have to do everything.

Yeah, that sounds worse. That's fair.

That's fair. Now, is it also that you like

that school job? What is it that it's at

the bookstore? No. Administration

office. Yeah.
You like it,

I bet. It's just so easy.
It's just

like... You don't do anything.
Not do anything anything how many do you get recognized a lot no but it's like the chairs of like departments and then they've been bad friends yeah they know about bad friends and then they're like old people and they're like are they nice. They're not old.
Old? How old? What's old? 50, yeah. Like the Bobby's.
Not old. Not old.
Look at me, dude. 80 is old.
Well, don't do that. Don't shake your tits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a.
Yeah, but. Does he seem old to you, dude? Yeah.
Yeah, but they know the podcast. Well, that's good.
And do you get, do you blush or are you like, do you step into the role? I blush. Oh, you do.
And I just like try to hide. What color are you when you blush? I'm still yellow and brown.
Just more yellowy brown. Yeah.
Yeah. What I've, what I've enjoyed about you over the years that you've got confident, though, in every area of your life.
Cocky, even.

Yeah, yeah.

Even a little cocky.

Because you used to be, like, so timid.

Like, we talked about one time you sang that song

at Christmas.

And I cried.

And you cried.

Yeah.

I don't think you would cry now.

I don't think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it took a while.

Like, I was so scared of you.

You came out of your shell.

Yeah, yeah.

You were scared of him for a long time. Why? I'm a little guy Because you have so much energy I do It's like overpowering Very overpowering energy I get it Well when you sleep for 15 hours You store up a lot of energy He's like a Pokemon He's just waiting to explode Anyway You have no summer plans You're gonna work all summer Let's give you a gift to go somewhere.
Where? Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go? Can you just pay for my surfing classes? Or when they import you back to the Philippines learn there. That's also true.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when they kick you out of the country.
I don't want to go back. Let me tell you something, buddy.
Donald Trump's going to get in and kick you right back to where you belong, pal. He's going to win.
Really? There's no doubt. There's no doubt now.
No doubt. Joe Biden lost a tooth in the last week.
He just had a tooth fell. Falls out of his head.
Yeah, yeah. It's incredible.
It's crazy. Can I ask you guys something? Not politics, but anything else.
No. Yeah, what? Have you guys heard of soaking? I keep seeing it on TikTok.
Are you soaking? No. Do you know what it is? Yeah.
Why are you asking about it? Do you not know what it is? I kind of know what it is, but I'm asking you guys because you guys are older. We're OGs.

We know what soaking is, dude.

I invented soaking.

I get so tired I can't pump anymore.

So I go, let's just soak for a while.

That's Mr. Soaker.
I'm Soakedog, dude.

2020, dude.

Soakedog.

So you have someone to...

Have you ever soaked?

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me stop, stop, stop.

What do you think soaking is? She's wait, wait. Let me stop, stop.

What do you think soaking is?

She's right.

She's talking about a bouncer.

What?

You're talking about a bouncer.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a bouncer.

Bouncer.

Yeah.

Let me check your ID.

You need a bouncer.

I thought soaking was something else.

No, you do know what soaking is, but when you put it in and you let it soak, you need someone on the underside of the bed to push up.

Someone's got to be the bouncer. Oh, I see.
Someone's got to raise the roof. I see.
Right? The Mormons do this. And Brad Williams.
My legs won't touch the ground. Anyway.
Why? Are you doing this? No, I just see it so much on TikTok. But what do they show on TikTok? What do you mean? Like, they go to like a Mormon like school

and then they ask

like these

like college students

like,

oh,

do you know what's soaking?

So what is soaking

on TikTok?

It's when

a couple,

they don't have sex.

Yeah.

They just do that

like on the position

on the bed,

the girl is

doggy.

Yeah.

The guy is standing

and they're close

and then there's another person Who's doing the bouncing That's not soaking No soaking is when you put it in but you don't move It goes in and doesn't move Look it up on fucking Soaking is where you put it in and you don't move That's what I think soaking is Well I just learned it this week You're learning it wrong Stop getting your information from TikTok and YouTube man We'll tell you the truth On YouTube I looked it on my porn hub Alright let's not talk about that Well can we Anyway We're not going to show it um soak dog you're wild dude you're wild right now your fucking problem here sexual practice on wikipedia yeah i like edging my favorite i edge and i soak sexual practice of inserting the penis in the vagina but not subsequently thrusting or ejaculating report reportedly by using some members of the church of jesus christ latter-day saints lds mormons uh they don It's not common, but obviously it's enough to be on Wikipedia.

So clearly-

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

The Mormons support it then?

No, they just all do it.

And they just stick it in and then they just carry it.

I mean, what do they say to each other?

We'd be soaking.

Oh.

Joseph Smith was a known soaker.

Oh, really?

I think when he found the tablets, he was soaking.

Oh, really?

He was soaking then?

He was soaking back then. Whoa.
He'd been soaking. He been soaking.
My dog been soaking. Yeah.
Anyway, what- That's what I've learned. Are there other things you've learned? You know what I soak? Pans after I've used them.
That's what I soak. Okay, pal? You perv.
I soak a pan after I cook in it. Yeah.
Okay. Perv.
Say been learning I've learned on TikTok about rat boy summer rat boy summer what's a rat boy summer it's like Carlos' face what now. That's like Carlos.
Yeah, you do kind of look like a rat, Carlos. And that's trending right now.
White boys who look like rats. I thought it was handsome.
And they're really attractive to girls. So who's a good rat? Timothy Chalamet? Those guys from Challengers? I mean, the guy in the back legitimately looks like a rat.
But he's so hot. Let me guess who a rat boy was.
Lionel Messi. Rat boy? No.
Not a rat boy. Okay, I'm just throwing it out there.
He's too old. He's a mouse.
He's a mouse. Very good.
Is Pete Davidson a rat boy, Summer? Yeah he's rat boy summer. Why him? It has to be like their bone structure is like they're so skinny.
What's that kid? Barry Keoghan? Rat boy. Oh, he's a rat boy summer.
Yeah, bat boy summer. You're not a rat boy summer.
We're fucking old. We're rat men.
We're splinter. You're splinter.
Oh, I'm splinter summer. You're splinter.
Iinter you're splinter i have a splinter summer yeah yeah yeah yeah okay these guys are rat boys i see but they're so handsome no that barry keegan guy looks ratty too yeah i see it now yeah all these guys are rats yeah wow yeah that's a rat for sure so it used to be white boy summer now it's rat boy summer that's trending but you don like white boys anyway. But that's the thing.
Oh shit. Are you starting to like white dudes? Yeah.
They're rat boys. Wow.
I'm waiting for the panda summer. Because at panda summer, then I'm going to be in.
And I'll be the red panda summer. I'll be right after you.
Yeah. Why can't there be an animal that I resemble that's going to have? Can we have a summer? Yeah, why can't you guys have an orangutan summer for me?

I'm just throwing poop at girls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a hot trend for you now.

Yeah, that's on TikTok.

Your whole life seems to be revolving around TikTok now.

I TikTok like almost every day.

How many hours?

Go to your usage or whatever

and see how many hours

you're on TikTok on average a day.

Does your generation go to the movies?

Yeah, me and my boyfriend go. So what have you seen with your boyfriend? The Studio Ghibli one.
Boy and the Heron. It's like a re...
Yeah, but still, she went and saw it. That's something to do.
Inside Out. How cute was that? You saw it? No, I want to go see it.
It looks so cute.

I like the first one.

They're all great.

Everything they make was at Pixar.

They don't miss.

They don't miss.

They don't.

What's your favorite one?

What do you mean they don't fucking?

What are you shaking your head at?

There are a couple misses.

Give me a miss.

Give me a miss.

Cars 2.

They're nowhere near as consistent as they once were.

Cars 2?

The Good Dinosaur Miss.

They made two of them?

Yeah, they made three of them. I know.
You ever saw Cars? I don't even saw the first one. I saw Cars, the original.
I didn't see the first one. It was so cute.
Yeah, OG's good. Yeah.
What's your favorite one? I know mine. Of all time? Of Pixar.
I mean, bring up the Pixar movie so I don't, because sometimes I'm confusing Pixar with what's the other one. DreamWorks? DreamWorks, because they do the same fucking shit.
All right, so for me, I think. Zoom in.
Me, I'm not going to look at the list. My number one, WALL-E.
Yeah, I know my number one forever. And my number two is probably the first Incredibles.
Yes. Insane.
You didn't like them? No, I did, but I'm just saying, Toy Story is the goat of all goats. It's the greatest fucking story ever told.
That's a good one, yeah. Okay, and Finding Nemo, Home Run.
Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck it.
Okay, here's a miss. You're right.
Lightyear, stinks. Monsters Yoon, amazing.
There's a lot of bangers. Although, I'm not a Ratatouille fan.
Which one's the one with the fishers? Where am I? That's all of them. That's every movie.
No, there's one where Ellen was... Finding Dory.
Finding Dory. That's one, right? Where am I? That's a follow-up.
Okay. That wasn't as good.
I like that one. Nemo.
Okay. Luca.
Luca's good. That was a Spanish one, right? Italian.
Same, same. Yeah.
Close. Up! Oh, I loved.
I mean, the Up. We talk about it.
Yeah. It's too good.
It's too good. It's the best of all time.
Coco is great. And you know what? Even though she's red, I know no one like Brave.
I get it. Yeah, that's the junk one.
Well, it's proof that red people can't lead a film. They can't.
No, I know. I'm looking right at it.
Yeah. Neither can...
There's no Korean leads on there either, bud. Yeah, there is, man.
Which Korean film did they make? The fat guy from Up. He's not a lead? The fat guy from Up? The kid.
He's Filipino. He's Filipino.

Bring up the fat kid from Up.

He's not Filipino.

That's Korean.

He's not Korean.

Yeah, he's Korean.

No, he's not.

Look at it.

Look at it.

He's, first of all, if anything that's-

Do you have any kimchi?

Look at that face.

That's fancy.

He's Spanish for sure.

There's no doubt.

You think he's Spanish?

For sure.

100%.

You don't have one then, huh?

You have Mulan.

We have the whole movie, Mulan.

That's not Korean.

I don't have one then, huh? You have Mulan. We have the whole movie, Mulan.
That's not Korean. I know, but it's Asian.
No, you got to have Korean. Koreans can't lead.
Redheads and Koreans can't lead. That's why we're doing this fucking podcast for so long.
You're right, you're right. We're stuck.
Wait, what is this? Turning Red? Turning Red and then there's that short film. Turning Red.
What do they drink a beer? What is that about?

She turns into a.

A furry monster.

Yeah.

Again, that's me and you.

Yeah.

I never saw that.

Did you see that?

That's you and me, dude.

That's us.

That's literally our movie.

Someone make artwork with that.

That is 100% us. Why haven't we made that artwork yet?

Somebody online make that.

That couldn't be obviously more us. That's insane.
That's us. That's bad friends.
That's real good. Alright, so we'll give you surf lessons for the summer.
That's fine. McCone has to go out there and film it and surf with you though.
Because I want to see it. I don't want to pay for something and not be able to see it.
I want to know that you're out there doing it and you're trying. So McCone is going to surf with me? No, he's just going to film you surfing because I want to see it.
I don't want to pay for something and not be able to see it. I want to know that you're out there doing it and you're trying.
Oh, so McCone is going to surf with me? No, he's just going to film you surfing because I want to see the progress. I want to know you're doing it.
And I'm not going to fucking go to the beach. Okay.
I can't go to the beach. Can McCone come with me and surf? No, he can't film and surf.
Oh. You like McCone? Good guy, right? Yeah.
Yeah.

That didn't sound good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like him.

He is nice.

He'll go out there.

He can't surf.

No.

You can't swim, McCone?

I can swim.

Dude, you should see.

He's such a bad swimmer.

He looks so dumb when he swims.

Yeah.

He flails his arms.

We don't have oceans.

Yeah. Have you been watching

The Worst Roommate

on the second season?

No.

Why? I just am not interested. What do you mean? you mean? It doesn't appeal to me Roommates? Yeah What don't you like about roommates? I don't have any You've never had roommates in your life? Yeah I want to try having roommates When I stopped having them You have a roommate? No, like my age And then like fight with them And just like go crazy I want to try that that.
Okay. Or like if you know, it'll drive you crazy.
You should get someone your own age. You should live with someone your own age.
Because my friends, they had roommates and it's always like chaos. Yeah, because there's always so there's money.
Cone's got roommates. How many roommates do you have? I have three other roommates.
You hate them. I'm tired of living with other people.
I know. I get it.
Are you making enough money now that you don't have to live with other people? I actually just got the keys to a one-bedroom. Are you serious? So we got you a one-bedroom? Mm-hmm.
Thank you. Yeah, that would be the nice thing to say.
I had a roommate, Kalisto Hernandez. Kalila, his full name was Kalila? No, no, no.
Kalisto Hernandez, him and I lived in Silver Lake together, right? And he was this kind of guy. Now, back then, I wasn't on Mad.
I was a struggling open mic comic. What year is this? 90? 97.
6, 7? Yeah, you're not going to find him online. So Kalisto Hernandez, we would walk into a bar, and women, this is how handsome he was.
Women would just walk up to him and just make out with him without even introducing him. Was he an actor or something? No, he was just like this Hispanic guy that was very handsome back then.
Where did you find him? I met him in San Diego back in the day. Doing? He was an actor.
We were kids. We played chess.
So he was an actor. Yeah.
How do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's one of those.
Okay. He's one of those guys where I always told him, I go, he's good at everything, but not great.
So he was in a band. He was an actor.
He did. One day was like, I'm doing oil paint.
I mean, he was like one of those guys. He's a jack of all trades.
Master of none. Master.
Yeah. That jack of all trades.
Master of none. But I used to focus on acting you're a good looking you're a good actor yes i'm gonna play in balboa it was good you know what i mean but he would what no he wasn't yes he was i mean as a kid i remember buying tickets and we're going to the balboa with you in san diego and watching him do this hispanic play and he walked out i was like and he had a bunch of kind of Hispanic lines.
I was like, oh, that's pretty good. Magusta, magusta, whatever.
Magusta, magusta. You know what I mean? He came out.
Yeah, and I was like, oh, he has a future. Boss, boss, the plane, the plane.
The plane, the plane, yeah. And then we move up here and he just was focused and too many women.
So he was hooking up with too many chicks. He had no, I could, I've never seen anyone with no money dirty but get so many I got nothing so I get on Mad TV right so I move out and then he goes hey dude my dream is to open up a skate store.
He goes, can I have money?

And I go, you know what?

I'm going to help you with your dream.

I gave him 10 grand, all right?

And then I walk into the skate store six months later,

and I pick up a shirt, and I go,

hey, dude, I want this shirt.

He goes, okay, dude, that's $39.95, whatever.

And I go, dude, I gave you, he goes, I know,

but that's not, you know, I'll pay you. I go, but can I just have it? He's like, no, no, no.
You got to pay $39.95 whatever and I go dude I gave you he goes I know but that's not you know I'll pay you I go but can I just have it he's like no no no you gotta pay $39.95 right so that's the first thing what's so funny that is that's hilarious would that make you mad yeah so I go alright here's $39.95 right so here's what really made me mad the shop closes and my brother was working there at the shop. It closes.
Then a year later, he found his dad on like ancestry.com or something. He was adopted in Mexico.
His dad was super rich. And then like a year after that, his dad just died.
His, you know, and left Kalisto hundreds of thousands of dollars. Right? What? Where's your 10 grand?

Then three years after that, I run into him. I go, dude, I heard you got the money.
Yeah, I drank through it. He was alcoholic? He had nothing.
Oh, man. And I just was like, yeah, fuck you, dude.
I love him. I love Kalisto.
I had a roommate. Yeah, so then there we go.
I had a who who swore like lived and died by the book the game from neil strauss do you know who that do you know what that is i i know you remember that book dude i met neil strauss huh george is like that george read that book he looks like a guy that read that book he was obsessed with it so dude that validates everything i thought about ge George. Dude, dude, I read that book.
I read the book, right? Not one girl. I did all the tricks.
And then I did Man Cow in Chicago. Neil was on the show with me.
And I looked him in the eyes. I go, you're fucking garbage, you book.
It didn't work shit, man. I got nothing.
But some people, it worked for George? It didn't work for George either. No.
No, he failed. I saw him fail so many times.
For people that don't know, Neil Strauss wrote this book called The Game, and it was basically a way of negging. It's the secret to negging, truly.
It's like pretending you don't care, kind of insulting girls. It's negging them.
So one of the things in it is, you know what I mean? If you see a group of girls at a bar and the one you like, right?

Don't pay attention to her, right?

Be nice to the other three, right?

And then kind of rip her apart a little bit.

Yeah.

That hairstyle is 80s, huh?

And then go back to the girls, right?

Supposedly that's going to get their juices flowing.

It doesn't work.

They spit in your face.

I had a girl spit in my face.

The key is to be good looking.

Yeah.

And it works.

Then miss it.

All right.

There it is. Fuck him up.
The key is to be good looking. Yeah.
Then he works. All right.
There it is.

Fuck him up.

No, no, don't leave.

Fuck him up.

Just beat his ass.

How many fucking slams are you going to do this fucking episode, dude?

How many slams?

It wasn't about you.

Huh?

It wasn't about you.

I'm tired, but it's late.

It's like, you know what I mean?

So many slams, dude. That's a lot of slams.
A'm saying if Brad P is doing it, it works. You're the slam king today.
Yeah. This roommate, I've told you about this guy.
So he read the game. He was incessant about the game.
A very interesting dude. He owned vending machines.
Lucrative, no lucrative? Yeah, dude. But the back of his station wagon would have boxes of chocolate and potato chips in it.
And in the summer, the chocolate would melt in his trunk. It was fucking insane, dude.
And he would just have cases of shit. So he bought these vending machines with other guys and he would go around and he'd forget to fill them up.
And then he had a guy that came and stayed with us for a while of his closest friends and he won a toyota matrix in a gambling in a like a texas hold'em competition and then to kick it the best part was one time i came home this kid was maniac we had shitty old carpet this this was a this was a dog shit apartment in culver city and we had carpet and one time I came home and half of the living room carpet was ripped up. All the nails were like ripped out of the floor.
And I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, there's hardwood floor under here, man. And I was like, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you have to fucking fix it.
He's like, no way, man. I'm going to get this, that landlord, that woman.
I'm going to get, what was her name? Nadia. I'm going to get her to fucking do the floors I was like no you're not dude you idiot now they're gonna charge us for this shit I'm not paying for this shit so he goes fine so he ripped all the carpet off and then he redid the wood floors he had them they looked real good yeah good I mean it was I mean for how shitty the place was yeah yeah yeah he was doing such a weird animal i came home one night late after being what if you saw like the riddler's map yeah oh i would follow it yeah yeah one night i came home after doing shows and and i smelled something really like i smelled gas in the house i was like man something smells weird it's like it's gas i go into the kitchen we had an old 1930s those old big stove tops the burners were on two of the burners super high burning like you could hear it hissing yeah i go to turn it off and i'm like yo yo is anybody cooking yeah i go in his room he's almost naked he's almost butt naked reading a book with candles all around him and i go dude you left the fucking he's like oh sorry man i lit candles yeah this is the guy i lived with for fucking two years okay when i live with when i live with calisto my brother calls me from asu and my brother goes dude i'm moving to la right i go no no no you're not i'm coming my brother ends up at my house.
I go, where are you going to live?

He goes, with you.

So he built this Cambodian hut in my closet.

He got bamboo from somewhere.

He built a little thing.

Your brother turned into Alien Gonzalez.

Yeah.

And my brother would just sleep for years on this bamboo hut thing that he built.

In the ground in your closet?

In my closet. So I'm laying in bed.
I didn't have a bed frame. It was just a mattress on the floor.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And I could see my brother's like head sticking out of the closet at night, right? But then I had this, I had a girlfriend.
Her name was Amy Esikhove. And I can start talking about it.
She was someone I was seeing. Yeah.
And she lived with me for a couple of months. And it was the worst your brother yeah my and my brother right because me and andy me and amy would start making out and my brother would go i can hear you nightmare nightmare and with this went on for years and also then you're like you're also hitting open mics yeah and you're going you know it gets to a point where it's like, I can't do this for another year or I'm going to have to quit.
Or I don't know what I'm going to do. Yeah.
It just got to that point. And some of us go, we do everything we can to get out.
I think that's what I did. The breaking point.
The breaking point. Like, I got to do something.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I had roommates for so long, man. But so the ever the show is four episodes you know what it is and these nightmare roommate situations and they're really interesting dude they're really fun to watch I mean it's endless the amount of stories I mean first of all I shared a bathroom with a couple one bathroom with a bunch of other guys guys.
Oh my God. It was like a, it felt like I was in a hospital.
You can have a bath, right? Bath? Yeah. You should have seen it, dude.
It was disgusting. It was repulsive.
People would come over, like we'd have parties, like girls would come over and stuff, we'd have parties and girls wouldn't want to stay because they had to pee, but they didn't want to pee in our bathroom. It was so fucking.
Oh. No one cleaned it? They don't have the.
No, not everyone is a rich little Filipino immigrant, okay? Yeah, yeah. Not everyone is spoiled rotten.
Don't you just need a brush and then water and then just brush and scrub? It sounds easy. It sounds easy.
But it's not. You don't want to plug another man's pubes off the fucking...
Right? If I lived with you, I see red pubes.

Everywhere. I'm not going to scrub

that off. And I shed.
I shed

like a golden retriever. These things fall off

all day long. Yeah, there's a freckle on me.

I think a lobby doesn't shed.

I don't know.

It'll be a nightmare. I get off the couch, there's pubes and freckles

everywhere.

And a little bit of sunburn.

You wouldn't be able to live with me, right? Would I be able to live with you? Yeah, a two-bedroom. Yeah, in a 50,000 square foot house.
Where we have separate wings. But do you think we could live, though, a year? Think about it.
Easily. At this stage in your life.
A studio apartment. Right? Two beds.
Studio apartment. One bathroom.
That sounds like a Japanese game. I know.
Two minutes, one bathroom, studio apartment.

I know.

But do you think you could do it?

No, because of how we are now?

Yeah.

Years ago, no.

I don't think we could do it now.

We could.

Day four, we would be at it.

We wouldn't see each other.

Oh, that's right.

You're always on the road.

I would book myself on the road.

We'd be gone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'd be fine.

Yeah, and then-

And you know what?

Fuck it.

I think you and I should do at least-

We should do a year of living together.

Yeah.

For the next episode, You're always on the road. I would book myself on the road.
We'd be gone. Yeah, yeah.
We'd be fine. Yeah, and then- And you know what?

Fuck it.

I think you and I should do at least-

We should do a year of living together.

Yeah.

For the sake of this show.

You think so?

Yeah.

If we have a final season of this show,

it should be you and I living together.

But I bring my three cats,

and you bring your dog.

Fine.

See what happens.

Love it.

In one studio apartment.

I think we should add more dogs and cats.

It should be-

Oh.

Four dogs, four cats. Like a Dr.
Doolittle situation. I'd love that.
Yeah. We call it Ark.
The Ark. Yeah.
All the animals. The Covenant of the Ark.
Yeah. That would be...
We would be dead. You need to get yourself some roommates and learn.
You have to learn those kind of things. Yeah.
Those are like the building blocks of life,

of learning to go through the shit,

of like dealing with other people's,

you didn't replace the toilet paper.

Why did you, you know what I mean?

All that shit you need to learn

because now you're just getting anything you want from Kalilah.

Yeah.

You don't do shit.

I feel like I don't say what I want to say.

So I feel like if I had roommates, I'd like learn from that.

Does she make you pay any money for stuff? Just my own stuff. Like what? Like your cell phone? No, Bobby.
You still pay for that fucking cell phone? Oh, yeah. Fucking money.
Oh, yeah, I do, don't I? You clean my fucking house then. So what do you pay for of your own? I don't know.
Atika is always in Hawaii, so I pay for my food. So she's never paid rent.
She's been in America, ever. It's the American dream.
Yeah. And then my Prius, you drive, right? How much did I charge you for that? $3,500.
What an innocuous number. Why did you charge her that? I don't think I did charge her.
Just give it to her. I don't think I did charge her.
You did. You paid him for that? How? You know when the car broke and I had to pay for it and you said you pay for it and then you have it.
Oh, so that's how I paid for it. It got fixed.
Yeah, fix it and it's yours. Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, that, that makes sense. Yeah, I'm not going to.
You know what I mean? Come on. Yeah.
Like I would grab a check and I've never done that. See, you're never going to live with roommates.
You've been spoiled. I don't know.
Maybe when I have an actual job and then leave. You are going to, I know this for a fact, 15 years from now, you're going to be stressed out, right? You're going to lay down on your bed, and you're going to close your eyes, and you're going to think of us.
I'll tell you what. You're going to be like, I had it so good then.
You know what I mean? I just talk on a podcast. Get it? Now that you – what do you want to be when you grow up now you're going to graduate college? Because life is going to come at you fast.
I still don't know. You don't have any idea of what you might want to do? Maybe something in like marine bio because I like diving and I like animals.
So marine biologist. Maybe something.
You got to go to school for that again. Yeah.
Or maybe be like bubblegum shrimp. Get a shrimp boat.
Yeah, you want to be a shrimp boat captain? Whenever I watch that movie, I go shrimp boat boat. You want to be a shrimp boat captain? No.
I mean, you can make money, though. Get all the shrimp.
I just don't want to deal with shrimps. Why? All right, well, clams.
No. There's other things down there, right? Other stuff.
Scallops. You go scallop hunting.
Scallop hunting. No.
I want, like, whales. You can't hunt whales.
It's illegal. I'm not going to hunt them.
Yeah, Moby Dick.

I'm not going to hunt them.

No, what I'm saying is that you just want to observe

and like write down,

you know what I mean?

Oh, the scallop,

you know what I mean?

Reproduces every four.

I don't know.

She wants to be

my octopus teacher.

Yeah.

Oh, that's what.

There's no money in that.

I know.

We want you to get a shrimp out.

Please, for us.

Yeah, for like make some money.

You'll be the best at it. I don't know anything about shrimp Moody Jewels shrimp You don't know anything about shrimp Neither did fucking Forrest Gump Yeah You figured it out You figured it out dude Can't be something like Like fun No No No Life is not fun Yeah Or you know Go up to Alaska with those boats.
And do the crab boat fishing. Yeah, dude, that's fun.
Would you do that? King crab? Isn't it just all, like, white people, though? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that's usually our thing. Okay, yeah.
That is true. That's our thing.
We are the best at that. No one's better at that.
Yeah. Than the Japanese.
Not at king. No, king crab, no.
You guys are good at fishing. Not king crab.
Okay, good. Thank you.
Yeah. Okay, good.
When I said you guys, you're not Japanese. What am I talking about? I mean, when you see- You don't get to take credit for them.
Yes, I do. No, you don't.
I'll tell you why. Why? Because- Then I get to take credit for all the good white stuff.
That's not true. January 6th.
Yeah, and I do give you that credit. Okay.
Okay. Santa Claus.
That's not you. We stole it well success okay i mean okay you're gonna so you're gonna be a marine biologist well maybe we'll help you get to that school i'm still not sure that's just what i'm thinking yeah well you gotta try something yeah i just feel like i don't have any interest in anything that's a place to be.
Zero interest in anything? Were you interested in comedy? We're different. We always wanted to be.
Comedy was the thing we knew we wanted. I don't know anything.
How old are you now? 22. I didn't figure that out until I was 23.
It's the same fucking age. She has a year.
Was that a bit? No. That's insane insane it's the same age it's not she's 23

not too long

at 22 I had no idea

is what I'm saying

so at 23

it was like

poof

yeah

I took an improv class

I go this is fun

alright well

a lot of people

start to think

of what they might want

like Andres knew

what he was gonna do

we don't even know

what he wants to do

like what does he do

oh he does a movie

that you're not gonna be in

yeah

speaking of which

get your students in here and come say hi. Go ahead and bring them in here.
He's got his students with us again. Are these students from Quinnipiac? Yes.
He's fucking every year, this guy. Hello.
Hi. Sit in that chair if you don't mind.
Oh, I remember you. I remember you from out there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Put the mic close there to Carlos. All right.
Hi. Carlos.
That was aggressive, Carlos. What are you doing, dude? Say fucking sorry.
No, say sorry or something. Say, I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry. No, don't touch people.
Nobody wants to be touched. Back up, dude.
You're fine. Anyway, what is your name? I'm Vic.
Vic. Vic.
Wait, how do you spell it? V-I-C. Vic.
Yeah. You say Vec.
Sorry, sometimes I say things wrong. No, you said it right.
It's how you said it. It's your name.
Vic. Yeah.
Vic. This is Rudy, by the way.
Say hi. Hi.
Did you change it, Vic? What did your parents name you? Victoria. See, that's what they do.
What, the whites?

The whites do this.

That's our thing.

Yeah.

You're Margaret, right?

And then 20 years later, I'm Margo-ly.

Well, they would just say Margo.

Margo.

I don't know.

Margo.

Whatever.

I am or whatever.

But Vic is cool.

Yeah, Vic is cool.

Sorry about that.

No, it's fine.

My friends start calling me and it's kind of stuck.

Vic, you're a Quinnipiac.

You're in film school.

I'm not. No.
What do you do? I am a game design and development student. Hell yeah.
Whoa, I love games. That's why you're wearing that specific Bad Friends sweater.
Yes. Do you like that game? Actually, I have not played Starter Valley.
Wow. No.
What do you play? I'm more of a tabletop gamer. So I play a lot of D&D.geons and Dragons Yes Oh yeah Video games like on a table Yeah kind of With cards on a little marble No that's a card game It's not a video game It's a card game Yeah I'm trying to get to it It's a dice game It's a dice game With cards There's no cards There's no cards Man I'm playing it wrong You know I'll tell you about D&D people a lot of it's in their imagination no?

yes

so you build it in your mind

yeah

I need to see things

I'm a visual guy

we have maps

like my friends

will actually make

like whole on maps

so that way

for us who can't picture things

we have maps

but wait a minute

what if somebody makes a map

that you don't agree with

yeah

if I'm a player it doesn't matter if I'm the gm i can tell them they're wrong if you're the what uh game master person who's and do you do you walk into the room i'm game master today uh not necessarily it's more of a each of us have different games you'd run every days i run every other saturday so you're the gm every other saturday yes my friend does it every sunday afternoon do you have a little bit more of an attitude on saturdays yes yeah you're a little bit more a little bit more pointed don't you think yeah yeah like you wake up that morning you go i'm the gm dude yeah you know what i mean you got a little bit of ump in your step right it's a great confidence builder it must must be to be a GM. You wake up excited? I do.
I'm GM today. Yeah.
On Saturday, GM day, what's breakfast for you, Vic? Oh, fuck, man. Ooh, that's...
Because that's a big fucking day. Raw egg.
You eat one raw egg? Yeah, yeah. No, uh...
Yeah, definitely. Slurp a yolk.
Like Rocky, like Rocky, dude. Slurp a yolk.
It's a little weird. It is a buttered bagel made in the microwave.
Buttered bagel that you put in the microwave? Yes, because it tastes like a soft pretzel. Oh, this is a great idea, by the way.
I do like this. What? It tastes like a soft pretzel.
You just microwave a bagel, it probably tastes like a soft pretzel. Oh, okay.
You put salt on it? I don't. But if it's wet, right? Is that why? You wet it? Yeah, you dunk it in water.
No, you just microwave it and you put butter on it. It's wet right is that why you wet it? Yeah, you dunk it in water

You don't do water bagels

Should I have a question did you like

Stranger Things I watched the first two seasons. I did not like how they portrayed the game

That's what they like to do. Oh, in Stranger Things.
Yeah. Okay, my bad.

The whole plot point of the show.

Did you never see that show?

I refused.

Okay.

It's such a good show.

I told you why, right?

Why?

He was going to be-

No, just stop.

Stop.

Lack of representation?

No, no, no, no.

What happened was-

What'd you say?

Is that the fourth slam?

What is it?

Four or five. Yeah, yeah.
What is it? Tell me what it is. I just said lack of representation.
Lack of representation. I don't want to...
It's a boring story. It's a boring story.
Just do a quick... All right.
So, you know, my agent's commenting, though. There's a show called Oneonta.
Right? Or something, right? Oh, no. Montauk.
It was called Montauk. Right? And I go...
Are you talking about Squid Game? No, stop. Stop.

All right.

So I go, okay.

And they go, there's a rule.

And I go, I have to go in.

I went in.

I got the part.

Nice.

On Montauk, right?

Then they called me and they said,

there are no, it's a period piece from the 80s.

There were no Asians in Indiana or whatever.

I don't know where it was, right?

And I go, okay.

But then Andrew Daly got it, right? That part. And then he couldn't do it.
So they called me back and they go, do you want it? I go, yeah, I want to do this pilot. And then like two days before I'm able to fly out, they go, we're going to give it to a local.
I don't know, something like that. They changed the name to Stranger Things.
Wow. And then I had to drive around.
I had nothing then. Right.
So anyway, are you happy?

I said that story I didn't want to fucking say.

Anyway, Vicks.

Hi.

Hi.

So let me ask you something.

Vicks.

Vic.

It's not vapor rub.

Jesus Christ.

That's what I heard.

I know.

I've never played D&D, okay?

So him and I are come over, right? Yep. You know what I mean? Hey,'ve never played D&D okay so him and I come over right yep you know hey I'm Eugene we change our names why I don't know why okay Eugene yeah what's your name tell me my name Robert okay okay I'm Robert that's Eugene we're here to play D&D we've never played D&D.
So what do we how do we start?

All right. Start by making a character.
All right. So you'll be given a piece of paper.
Yeah. Has some lines and boxes, some bubbles.
Well, I already know it. Leonard Monk Pie.
All right. I'm Chooch.
He's Chooch. I'm Leonard Monk Pie.
All right. You start by rolling your stats.
Okay. I rolled.

It's a zero.

What does that happen?

Okay.

Pick it up between three and 18.

That's the more accurate.

Okay.

I got a three.

All right.

You got a three.

So the best way I can do this-

Do you have any snacks?

Yeah.

I'm starving.

Yeah.

We came all the way here.

We biked all the way from our house.

Yeah.

Do you have snacks?

I didn't bring anything.

Sorry.

You're the GM and you didn't bring snacks? So my group- What the fuck are we doing here, Ben? My group plays online. Yeah, but we're here at your house.
We heard you had the best wet bagels in town. Yeah, yeah.
Make us a water bagel, please. Yeah, we want a wet water with the butter.
Fuck you think we came over here today? Yeah, goddamn. They're like a pretzel, right? Yeah, pretzel.
Yeah. They're water bagels.
So you already ate them? Yeah, I did. them yeah okay okay anyway so what's up you ate an entire sleeve of bagel without us yeah there's six in there hey calm down chooch i got hungry eugene fuck off oh robert i mean yeah yeah oh no your character anyway it doesn't it doesn't matter um so um three is for the lowest you can roll so i guess you start by what stat you don't want to be good at.
Can we figure out what the stats are? All right. Let me guess.
Physical? Strength? Strength? Strength? Yeah. Nexterity? Constitution? Intelligence? Wisdom? Constitution? What are you? You have to rewrite the whole thing.
Constitution is- They better not touch my fucking constitution. constitution I'll tell you that I don't care if the dragons or the dungeons are involved Another thing is physical force There they are Strength No magic That's what charisma is Wisdom or charisma Determine magic based on your class.
Okay, good. Oh, class.

I'm Korean.

Leonard Monkai is Korean.

Can I not pick that?

Profession, more or less.

Okay, well, give me the professions.

Fighter, rogue, monk, barbarian, artificer, wizard, sorcerer, druid.

You're a druid.

I'm a druid for sure.

Very druidic.

You want a high wisdom stat.

Okay, so I'm rolling with my wisdom first All right, I got a three I keep rolling three It's weighted or something these things So Wisdom means you're not gonna be able to cast a lot of spells. Okay you but i'll think about them just think about it i'll think about the spells yeah probably work on uh having a high constitution because high constitution because high hit points okay what is constitution you have to go to the gym it is your uh physical it's physical mental fortitude it's how well you can resist poison how much hp you have oh health points, health points.
Yeah. How good you are at concentrating on your spells.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow, wow.

All right, so I got...

I'm going to throw that for that constitution.

I want to go home.

I know, dude.

I want to leave.

I know a great...

She doesn't have any fucking bagels.

I want to go home.

I know a great...

I'm starving.

On the way home when we're riding our bikes.

All right.

I know it's 45 miles.

All right.

Yeah.

So, okay, so my constitution's at a 60.

my constitution's 16. 60.
not acceptable why can't i get a 60. seems so your attitude as game master i swear to god did so it does feel like i am not explaining this in the proper order oh okay when you're rolling for're rolling for stats, you roll four six-sided dice, and you keep the highest three.
So your numbers will always be between three and 18. So you want to develop games? Is that what you're going to school for? Yes.
Yeah? Do you have a game you've developed? I've made a couple of video games. That's what the program is usually focused on, and then I have another game.
I'm a tabletop game I'm working on with a couple friends of mine that I can't really talk about because we don't want to. You don't want to leak it.
Yeah. That's smart.
Talk about the games we talk about. Do you like Andres? Do you like him? Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Cool is not the word. That's pretty cool.
Shut up. Look at your fucking face right now.
He's okay to you. He's nice.
Yeah. He's never said anything inappropriate.
Is he one of your favorite teachers? Oh. I've never had him as a professor, actually.
Yeah, well, that's- How were you here then? Because I filled out an application and they said yes. They ship these kids out here.
Okay. Their parents get rid of them.
For the summer. This is camp.
Okay. They get to come out here and have a good time.
Okay. Which one are you? How old are you? 21.
21. How old are you? 22.
Wow, look at this. Look at that.
You guys, I'm done. You want to go surfing or? Yeah, do you want to surf? We're paying for surfing lessons.
I'm not much of a surfer. Okay.
Says whom? Says my, I'm a figure skater actually. Oh Oh.
I've won, I think, silver in states.

You won silver in state competition?

In what state?

Connecticut.

No shit?

That's huge.

You are a famous state champion figure skater.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

You do those with twirls?

The Vicks Vapor Rub Twirl. Yeah.
I like that. Do you have a triple axel? Can you do that? No, I end up having to leave figure skating because of the pandemic and I haven't been able to go back.
What do you mean? China took over skating too? Those fuckers? What do you mean you had to quit because of the pandemic? They shut down the rinks. And then I had a coach who was teaching me.
And she couldn't travel to the state where I was practicing. Because she was essential.
So she had to actually go into work every day. As well as.
Will you ever ride again? Can we see you slicing up ice ever again? I plan to. I tried to get into it at school, and then the day I was supposed to go, like for the interim meeting, there was a fire alarm, and I ran out without my shoes on, and it just ruined my night.
Jesus. I just haven't gone back since.
Vic. Vic.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you.

Give Vic a round of applause.

That was great.

You want to get one more in here?

Let's get one more of the students.

You're the best.

No one's going to beat that.

Thank you, Vic.

Thank you, Vic.

Number one.

Incredible.

Literally number one.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, we got a brown guy.

Oh, this guy's a player, dude. I can tell, dude.
When I walk in here, dude. Look at him.
What's up, man? How you doing? Yeah? Yeah. Brown guy.
Let's do it. Can I just say something? Yeah.
And just an observation. It's a good thing.
From your eyebrows up, it's very long. What do you mean by that? I don't know.
Like eyebrows, like here? Yeah, your head is long. My head is long? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He has a lot of hair. Okay, that's all.
It's just all hair. Are you Indian? Yeah.
Do you watch Amir Khan's movies? Do I watch what? Amir Khan's movie? Yeah. Like Three Idiots? Yeah, love that movie.
I love it too. Yeah, it's one of my favorite ones.
Keep going is good rude Keep going And Dungal Yes Yeah That's my one Yeah That's my favorite That was good Amir Khan's so hot I just He's daddy I mean All he I know is Naan So keep going He's an attractive man Yeah Yeah Yeah That's good Mangolasi One of my yeah i like this not salted i just had i was in india like yesterday you just got back from india get him out of here right now what were you doing in india um that's good yeah that's what they do you're going to your cousin's wedding yeah i just got back how many horses rode in uh zero no one was on a horse so the weddings last like very long yeah so i was only there i got there late i can only go for a week because i'm here so i went i there was like two different cities they did the wedding and they went in mumbai and they went in goa which is like southern it's like beachy more tropical um and i missed the entire mumbai part of it so that's like that was the actual wedding part and then i got there for like the reception celebration dancing. I don't know.
There might have been horses. I don't know.
There's got to be horses. There had to have been.
I've never seen a horse in India. What? What do you mean? I've never seen an Indian guy on a horse before.
They do that at weddings all the time. Okay, I didn't know.
Sometimes they ride in elephants and shit. Dude, Indian weddings are bananas.
I've seen this though. Yeah, that's it.
He loves that-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. He loves that.
You're like the new version. You're like the upgraded.
You're like the iPhone 14 of Indians. Right, though? Yeah.
Like you can tell he's got a shine to the outside of him. He's like Monkey Man.
He takes a different plug, doesn't he? Would you just call him, dude? You just call him a Monkey Man, dude? No, like the movie Monkey Man. Oh, fuck, dude.
What the fuck are you talking about? I just watched Monkey Man. He's like Dev Patel.
He's like a handsome idiot. You could have just said he's like dev patel yeah yeah don't call him monkey man dog dev patel it's insane fucking weirdo yeah yeah that guy is really rad he's rad yeah i saw this last week you just saw this yeah well so you are like monkey man yeah it all comes back now um when you get is it gonna be an arranged marriage for you for me yeah that's what they were all talking about at the wedding.
They were all joking about it. I don't know how much they were joking.
But do they do that? Not as much still, no. Are you single? Me, yes.
My parents were arranged. They were? So, did your parents want to arrange for you? No.
They joke about it all the time. Maybe they're not joking.
Maybe they're not joking. Yeah.
But if you did have an arranged, would you do it? Would I do it? That's a good question. I guess it depends.

But then what if I showed up?

We would make it work, I think.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You don't think I could make it work?

I just don't think so.

He's kind of out of your league.

I know.

You're right.

You're right.

He's a handsome young dude. Yeah.

How old are you?

20.

20?

Yeah, too young.

So young.

You're fucking two years older. What are you talking about? You said you were a senior, you? 20.
You're fucking two years older.

You said you were a senior, right?

Yeah.

I'm a senior.

Well, I will be.

He's just smarter than you.

He skipped grades.

Well, he's Indian, that's why.

Well, while you were blowing in chicken's buttholes,

he was learning math and science.

Can't be mad at him.

Yeah.

You had to skip a grade. I started early.
My mom put me in school at like four. Are you from Connecticut? No, I'm from Jersey.
Jersey boy. Okay, right.
Straight A's, I bet. No.
No, one B. A lot of B's.
What? A lot of B's. Have you tried C's? Have you tried a C?

I've had some C's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What'd you have a C in?

They're fucking delicious.

I think I had a C.

I had a C in math.

No way.

One year.

It was pre-calc.

What did your dad say?

Let me hear what your dad said.

I'm going to close my eyes and hear what your father said.

Yeah, I want to close.

Let me hear.

Go ahead.

He, he.

No, I'm you.

I'm you.

You're me?

Yeah.

So you're dead, right?

Okay.

Yo, dads, what's up?

Dad?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry, player.

You're not going to like.

Look at my report card.

Disowned.

Excuse me, dad?

Go, Leaf. You're done.
Get out. Wow.
That fast? Yeah That fast Yeah No that didn't happen He did not care He didn't care at all No What a switch Well from like What a switch Is your dad from India Yeah So he's not a Jersey guy He's not a Jersey guy You didn't do an Indian accent Can I do an Indian accent Yeah but do your dad Does your dad sound like No, he barely has an Indian accent anymore. He's been here in America for like 20, 20 years.

Oh, my bad.

Some people don't lose it.

He doesn't have an accent?

No.

Well, the accent comes out when he speaks Hindi.

Right.

Okay.

Do you know any Hindi?

Yeah.

Speak some.

What do you want me to say?

Well, tell him he's an idiot and he fucked up and he shouldn't get a C.

Tell my dad that?

No.

This is your son.

What's your name?

Arman.

Arman? Yeah. This is you.
This is Arman. You're your dad.
Yeah, dad, I'm Arman, dad. Why are you forgetting me? Tell him he fucked up in Hindi and he should never get a C.
What's up, dad? What you got to say? Damn. That's it.
Wow. Did you like that? I love, dude.
That was what I was looking for, dude. Wait, say that one more time so I can hear it.
I can do it right now. Go ahead.
Hey, babe. I'm a scat man.
What do you think? I said it right? It was close. The first word is babekoof, right? Babekoof.
Of course, I did fast. You have to do your head your head You have to do your head I do it organically and real Do your head, go like this Bevekouf Bevekouf You got to You got to Armand Armand, sorry So you want to be a writer and director I do want to be a writer and director I think you're going to be Thank you Do you have a movie pitched to us? Any movie? Yeah Don't pitch me Scarface Because I know that's one of your favorites Yeah, yeah Isn't it?itches a movie.
You've never seen Scarface? Scarface. Wow.
Pitches a movie. Pitch you a movie.
Okay. Welcome.
My name is Cliff Liebertson. My partner here.
I'm Steinmanson. Yeah.
He just goes by Steinmanson. Well, I'm so famous.
Everybody knows who Steinmanson is. Just call me Liebertson.
Okay. Yeah, we're Jews.
Okay. All right, so here's the pitch, right?

Yeah, so go ahead.

So you got this guy.

Let's call him Armand.

Well, you don't have the character's name.

I don't really like that name.

We can switch it up.

Give me any word name.

It doesn't matter.

It's your movie.

You give us the name.

I give you the name?

Yes.

Okay, we'll name him Andres. I don't like that one either.
That's fine. We'll take it.
Where is this Andres from? He's from India. I like it.
Okay, we like him. That's it now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So his parents set him up on an arranged marriage, right? Mm-hmm. So there's a lot of ways you can go with this, right? So he goes to the arranged marriage.
And who's waiting for him but Bobby Lee?

Oh, the Mad TV guy?

The Mad TV guy.

Yeah, we, I mean, on our list, it goes Ken Jeong, Randall Park,

Ronnie Chang, Jimmy O. Yang, Daniel Dae Kim.

The list goes on.

Steven Yeun.

Yeah, he's not on the list.

He's not on.

Give us another name, please. Any other name? Is your character Asian? He doesn't have to be.
I could switch it to any. Well, how about a Barry Koenig or somebody that's relevant? Barry Keegan.
Like a Ratboy? Exactly. We love the Ratboy.
Ratboy Summer. We love the Ratboy Summer.
Yeah, go ahead. Wait a minute.
Time out for a second. Is he a Ratboy? Can you be a Ratboy? The first thing you said when you described rat boy was white.
But they have to be white to be a rat. They have to be white.
Even though rats, I've never seen a white rat. Wait, really? What do you mean? There's white rats? Where? In New York? There's white rats all over the world.
What do you mean? I've never seen. Every time I see a rat, they're like gray or like brown.
You've never seen a rat. I've never seen that white kind of rat.
Yeah, but where have you seen the rat, the brown rat? In Jersey, in New York? Yeah, New York. But New York, this is a fancy rat.
Oh, these are like bougie rats. Yeah, Hampton.
Okay, gotcha. I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what. I have an idea.
Yeah. First of all, we love you.
You know this, right? this right thanks has this been fun has this been a fun little episode yeah i've got someone i know that can pitch us a movie okay okay hey vick get in here get in here watch this watch this i want you to see this yeah i'm ready vick see yeah okay will you jump up real fast i want you to stand over there yeah this Yeah, stand over. Vic, will you sit down there, Vic, and pitch us a movie?

I want Armand to watch that.

This is a work of art.

This is a work of art.

Pitch us a movie.

We're executive.

Hi, I'm Leibowitz.

This is Steinmanstein.

Steinmanstein.

All right.

Hi.

So this is a futuristic society, planet.

We open with a detective. Holy their wife this detective a little bit disgruntled they just got back from a three-year stint in our space they're finally back home they're married write the check write the check i'm talking check keep going keep going um and then all these crimes happening.
Bad crimes? Bad crimes. Sorry.
A lot of properties going missing. There's been some accusations of bribery.
And then the detectives lead informant gets murdered. Oh, my God.
What happened? Who killed him? What happened? I need to know. So there's a couple more things that happened So eventually leads to the fact that it is the Detectives wife that she's the killer She's been the one committing this crimes because she was a charlatan at her home on her home planet Which is a lower-tech planet, so she's still figuring out all this technology.
My mom was a charlatan. She was I saw her her.
I remember her. And it's kind of that I love you but you're putting me in so much trouble.
Yes. Yeah, of course.
And at the end there's a moment of like oh, they're going to have like a proper wedding for their family. Yes.
An arranged marriage?. Okay.
Okay, okay. But then they decide to not have that kind of confirmation ceremony.

Mm-hmm.

And they just end up sitting together and holding on to each other and saying, I love you.

And the movie is called?

Of Golden Glory.

You're a sign of a check.

Not only that.

And who's the detective?

You already have the casting, right?

Who do you want?

I think it's Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson? Can we get her? Yeah, we can.
It's pretty expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's playing the detective. Detective Locke Smith.
Her name is Locke Smith. It's clever.
Forget it. Oh, my God.
Thank you so much. Three picture deal.
Three picture deal. $100 million.
Best tip. Know your pitch before you do it.
I want to play about this. In your face, fucker.
Sit back down. Armand.
Armand. Vic, fucking.
Honestly. Walk off home run.
Walk off home run. The game's over.
Armand, how do you feel about that? And we didn't mean to pit you guys, by the way. I just knew in my heart she had something in the fucking chamber, dude.
Yeah, I think I gotta go home and get ready and come back. No, dude, you're gonna stay here in the studio even after we leave.
Okay. Okay, and I want you to work on it.
I'll stay here till the next time. Oh, you're never coming back.
No, no, no. No, you're never coming back.
Yes, he is. He's never coming back.
We love him. Yeah, yeah.
All right. Well, thank you, Armand.
Thank you, Armand. You can go back out there with the crew.
Thank you, buddy. You were so good.
Amazing. What did we learn today, Rudy? You know, I've noticed Indians smell so good.
Mm-hmm. Yes, they do.
What the fuck do they smell like? What do they smell like? Like, they smell so, like, flowery. Let me say what's really going on.
Okay. You got...
She has a crush on that guy. No, because my...
They're called pheromones. No, because my coworkers are all Indians and they smell so good too.
Yes, they do smell good, but you also have a crush on that guy. I saw the way you were looking at him.
It was a whole thing. Yeah.
I have a boyfriend. Okay.
Big deal. And he's so young.
Huh? He's so young. He's 21 years old.
Younger than you. You're the same age.
No. You think you're way more mature? No, I feel older.
You know why? Because you don't live with roommates. She thinks she's special.
Yeah. You think you're above this kind of thing? And you're kind of like also a celebrity? No, I'm not.
That's right. I don't know who you are.
I'm not. If I put you in front of a bad friend's crowd, thousands of people, will they cheer? Because they know it from the podcast.
That's right. I know.
That's what a celebrity is. That's actually what he's saying.
That's what a celebrity is. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did you learn today? Other than that all Indians smell very good.
You did think he was handsome. He's cute.
Okay. Okay.
Whatever you say. What did you learn and that so king is inserting the dick to the vagina okay with that aside from that well no that's true you did learn that that is something we learned we've talked about other things but yeah and that also you're you missed us and you're happy to be back and you're gonna come back am i wrong Am I wrong or am I right or am I right? You're right.

Fuck yeah.

We missed you.

I missed having you around.

Well, go ahead and sign off for us.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah Woo Yeah

Woo Yeah

Yeah

Yeah