Fish Butt Dog & White Eyes Bucko

Speaker 1 At badfriendsmerch.com, we have this beautiful shirt designed by this kid, your son. I love this album, but I always thought that the baby should be me.
And it is you now. It is me.

Speaker 1 Now it's a little baby Bobby. It's a legendary album, and I think you should get this shirt.
So go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 This is not a play. You know what I mean? This is not like, you got to get in the costume.
You're feeling something. Yeah, I mean, this is, I'm playing me,

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee. Yeah, this will go in the show.
You know? Here's the thing. You don't want to wear your own merch because...

Speaker 1 Right now I don't. Because it's his town.

Speaker 1 If he said, hey, as an option, I would have done it. Who said that? This guy.
But if he was, he forced it. Like, yo, show those Nikes back in the sweatshop day.
That's what he said.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, Kathy Lee Gifford attitude.

Speaker 1 He made those kids sew those Nikes? Yeah, yeah. Show those Nikes.
I'm not sewing Nikes for you, white man. Bobby, would you wear your...

Speaker 1 You're not going to make money off.

Speaker 1 We're going to sell it out.

Speaker 1 We're going to sell it out.

Speaker 1 You're doing white eyes on me. Yeah, I'll do white eyes all day to you, dude.

Speaker 1 We're going to sell them out. All right, buddy.
All right, bucko. Because you love the whites, huh? Okey-dokie, bucko.

Speaker 1 Your attitude, too. I come in here, dude, frown-face, negative.
You know what I mean? Aggressive, not nice. Projecting.
Projecting. Exactly.
You're projecting it onto me.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's saying you're projecting it. You're projecting onto me your bad energy, dude.
What did I do?

Speaker 1 What did I say?

Speaker 1 Earlier, I was sitting there. You go,

Speaker 1 what's your vibe about? Or something aggressive thing. What did I say? I forgot.

Speaker 1 I didn't like it.

Speaker 1 Welcome back.

Speaker 1 Rudy Judy. Jules.

Speaker 1 Oh, we love you. My God.

Speaker 1 Family coming home. It's been so long.
It's been so long. And? What have you been up to? Where have you been?

Speaker 2 I lost my passport and visa.

Speaker 1 So you came crawling back to bad friends. Can someone please get me a passport and visa? When does it run out?

Speaker 2 I don't know because it got stolen. So I'm basically illegal.

Speaker 1 Oh, so we can call somebody right now and get you in trouble. Yeah, call.
I'm calling INS. Call Damian.
INS. I know Damien from INS.
INS.

Speaker 1 Can you phone them?

Speaker 1 No, it's got to be email. That's not efficient.
No wonder we got so many illegals in this country. Hey, forget about it.
Forget about it.

Speaker 1 All right, so who stole your passport? Who do you think stole your passport? Where did you get it? What?

Speaker 1 Nothing. Go for it.
Do you blame me?

Speaker 2 Why would I blame you?

Speaker 1 Who stole it? Who stole it?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I was just going to say some random.

Speaker 1 Say something random. How did you lose it? What date did you know it was gone?

Speaker 2 It was on June 3rd. It says it got delivered by the front door.
And then when

Speaker 2 I arrived at 5 p.m., it arrived at 2 p.m. And so when I arrived at the house, I just saw the envelope already open.

Speaker 1 Whose house? At his house?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Your house. Your house.
Wait, Roo. Someone stole it.

Speaker 2 No, that's not a Filipino passport.

Speaker 1 He's sacrificing his own. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's good immigrant stuff. That's good immigrant stuff, dude.

Speaker 1 Wait, we're going to.

Speaker 1 Are you showing? Throw it to me. Are you showing off? You know how funny that is? That you're.

Speaker 1 It's close.

Speaker 1 Wow, dude. Does this mean...
Wait. Oh, this is McConnell.

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, that's such a bad photo.

Speaker 1 That is such a stupid photo of you. You know what? I'm going to be positive.
I haven't seen it yet, but I love you, dude. I want to be positive.
I want gonna be real with you, dude.

Speaker 1 All right, check it out.

Speaker 1 So good,

Speaker 1 dude. Honestly, how many tries? No tries? No tries.

Speaker 1 You said the first, you said the first take was good. They only give you one try.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Let me just say something.

Speaker 1 Do you know how to smile on command? No, this was no, he was like one half.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a colon. I'm from Minnesota.

Speaker 1 I'm an American.

Speaker 1 How do we get back your passport?

Speaker 2 I have to apply all over again. I have to apply for my tourist visa, my student visa, and my passport.

Speaker 1 We're gonna try to help you here, bud. Sounds like you need us more than you ever thought.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But can I just say something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, go on.

Speaker 2 Why is it so unfair that for a Filipino passport, you can only go to like certain countries,

Speaker 2 and then for a USA passport, you can literally go anywhere.

Speaker 1 But USA! USA!

Speaker 1 USA! That's why, bud. That's why, bud.
We have a good chance.

Speaker 1 We have a good chance. You can't chant, Philippines!

Speaker 1 Philippines! No!

Speaker 1 It doesn't work.

Speaker 2 But I want to go.

Speaker 1 Where do you want to go?

Speaker 2 Like to Europe.

Speaker 1 No, they don't want you, though. That's the problem.

Speaker 1 They don't want you. They don't want you.
We have enough. What? We have enough.
We have enough.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that seems a little too real.
But do they have hospitals in Europe?

Speaker 1 No. They don't? No.
Well, then they don't want you. Yep.
Hotels and hospitals. Even to go to Japan.

Speaker 2 I need a visa for Japan. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
The Japanese are weary. Yeah, they're weary of you.
And why wouldn't they? When you're weary,

Speaker 1 feeling down

Speaker 1 when tears are in. That's the Japanese.
Oh, that's not even Japanese. No, it's not.
When you're weoi.

Speaker 1 When you're weary,

Speaker 1 feeling the sad

Speaker 1 when a tear in your eye.

Speaker 1 All right, I don't know the rest. Very good.
Thank you so much. What have you been up to, you nerd? Are you still dating that guy? Yeah, yes.
Yeah. Jeez, I mean, whoa.

Speaker 2 And we fucked already.

Speaker 1 Jesus. Whoa, dude.
That's an easy way to say it.

Speaker 2 But why did you buy another?

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about, lady?

Speaker 2 While I was cleaning, you bought three more jerk machines?

Speaker 1 Wow. Why?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why. And, you know,

Speaker 1 I've been at, okay, so check this out, okay?

Speaker 1 Western bagel. Just listen to what I'm saying.
No, listen to my logic here. Do they sell sex toys? No, no, they don't.
Just listen to my logic, okay?

Speaker 1 Western bagel. Noah's bagels, right? There's a bunch of bagels places I go every day, different varieties, every day, different, right? Right.
Because I like a change and I like different,

Speaker 1 you know, companies that make certain things. So my point is, is that

Speaker 1 you know you don't watch just one movie right like if i watched a quiet place day one a thousand times i'd be bored you know that's a day a thousand for me right this makes sense it makes complete sense right so i

Speaker 1 okay what i'm saying is is that i like a variety of things and i'm gonna tell you this too i found the brand that i'm gonna stick with i found my dieko

Speaker 1 i found my dieko wow yeah yeah so clap for that and and that was the reason why i know the brand and i found the thing is because i tried all the other ones right And I compared. Kind of like you.

Speaker 1 Kind of like you. Yeah, yeah.
You tried girls and guys and you found what you liked. Now his is machines.
He likes X machines. I love machines.
He's a big machinist. Lola.
That's what her name is?

Speaker 1 I named her, yeah. Lola.
And I kiss the, I wash it first, and I kiss it.

Speaker 1 Like a good night, Lola. And put it on my night.
Good night. Yeah, yeah.
Does it respond? But I.

Speaker 1 So, Lola. Anyway, you're.

Speaker 1 You're, what are you now? What are you done with school?

Speaker 2 No, I'm already a senior in college.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And I graduate next year.

Speaker 1 Amazing. Oh my god, dude, that's so weird.
On this show, the course of the show, you went through college?

Speaker 2 I was in high school when I started.

Speaker 1 You were a senior in high school here when you started. Yeah, incredible.
Yeah. And now look at you.
Now you're old and haggard. You do look older.
You do look. What do you mean? Yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 You look haggard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I first saw you. I thought it was Kalila.

Speaker 1 And Rudy.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 That's a compliment.

Speaker 1 Well, okay.

Speaker 1 Depends on who, yes.

Speaker 1 Anyway, you do look older. And your face, I can tell when you.
Stop.

Speaker 2 You're going to say I got fat.

Speaker 1 No. You're never going to get fat.
No, yes, you will. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But I can tell now the evolution of your face and it's going to get scrunchier and scrunchier.
And it's going to be like a fucking box. Like, you know, like yours.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I have a scrunchie face, yeah,

Speaker 1 okay, and I'm

Speaker 1 that hurt so bad, but I want to be so nice to her because I want her to come back. So, you're right, I have a scrunchie face, okay?

Speaker 1 I have to ask you something: you have a girl that cleans your house that isn't this girl. Hold on, what are you doing? I need to reposition,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 you have a girl that cleans your house, it's not this girl,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 somebody cleans your house, and you gave her a bunch of merch from the fully loaded tour?

Speaker 1 How do I know this? How do you know this? Do you know how insane this is? Yeah, how do you know this? Dude, this is such, like, the world is so small. Oh, my God.
So my cousin, who you know,

Speaker 1 his friend is staying with someone who cleans your house.

Speaker 1 That's not what happened. He sent me a text.
That's not what happened. And he goes, Bobby gave away all his fully loaded merch and

Speaker 1 her bed was a display of Osos, poor Osos.

Speaker 1 that's not what happened yes it is i'm gonna tell you how that happened how did it happen okay number one you get when you get a gift bag you don't want all of it so i puck

Speaker 1 start over

Speaker 1 when you get a gift bag right you don't

Speaker 1 okay i picked

Speaker 1 i picked the ones i wanted and you gave the rest there's two things i wanted all right the you know in the the apple ear headphones Great. Great.
Great. The little button.
I like it.

Speaker 1 There was a neck thing where it blows air into your neck. Love.
You have one of those? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're the best. They're the best.
They're the best.

Speaker 1 And then the rest, I was like, I don't need it. So you gave it to? That's not what happened.
So

Speaker 1 I called Jenna. She's my emergency.

Speaker 1 So she's my number one. But lately, she doesn't want to clean my house anymore.
You don't know.

Speaker 1 No. It's you.

Speaker 1 It's you, and you know it. No, I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's you and you know it.

Speaker 1 Let's go past it. All right.
It's you when you know it and let's go past it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But But I love you like a family. Okay.

Speaker 1 But I can tell you don't want to do it as often, and it's fine. So I've had to resort to other things.
I have Hispanics.

Speaker 1 All right. So that's my number one.
It's the two. Good.
My number three is Jenna. She sounds white.

Speaker 1 But she's not, right? She's not. She's not.
Mexican. Thank you.
Kept in the Hispanic family then. Exactly.
So why'd you exclude her from Hispanics?

Speaker 1 Because there's two different kinds.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
And she goes, I can't do it, but because I'm seeing somebody. Yeah.
And she

Speaker 1 keeps saying how nasty my house is.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because of Ming.

Speaker 1 Oh. You know.
Yeah. Pees on everything.
Right. Right.
And Jenna goes, I can't do it. So then she goes, I have a friend.
You remember bloop bloop? And I go, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Well, bloop bloop is available. I go, who's bloop bloop? And she's like, well, she's trustworthy.
She comes over. Now, I had gotten the box from the brokerage thing.

Speaker 1 And I had, you know, when you get a box, you don't fold things, you do this, yeah. Dig through it, you dig through it, and I throw things right.
I'm digging through it, right? Oh,

Speaker 1 earphone, dig, neck, you know, dig, dig. So it was like an ID went off in there.
She comes over, and I go, you got to organize. She goes, oh, and I go, but you know what? Just throw it away.
She goes,

Speaker 1 well, I can take it. I go, you want this stuff? Great stuff, by the way.
Great company.

Speaker 1 Essos. Esos.
Yeah. Osos.
Whatever. Porosos, right? Great company and great tour and great people.
I'm just not going to wear it because, you know, I mean, AA, I don't want to promote liquor, right?

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm. Right.
Smart. Very smart.
Let her promote it. So she goes, she took it all.
Yeah. And that's the last I thought I would ever hear from it until now.
It's amazing. How the world goes around.

Speaker 1 Isn't that crazy? It's crazy.

Speaker 1 The other day, you know what I ran to? Your family. Yeah, you did.
I'm at a coffee shop, right?

Speaker 1 And then I hear, hey, I look over. It's your family member of yours.
My sister. Yeah, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 You can say my sister. Your sister.
I have a sister. Yeah.
And her hunky.

Speaker 1 I'm ooh, la la hunk hunk hunk.

Speaker 1 Be honest. Hunk machine.
He's a sharp look. Just like the Northman.

Speaker 1 You're just standing with a fucking Alfred coffee. Right.
Hey, hey.

Speaker 1 I go, you know, and I, when I'm around guys like that, I do, I do a half-hug. Yeah, you do.
Right. And I put my hand against their chest.

Speaker 1 I go, hey,

Speaker 1 Right? Just to have the leverage. Yeah.
Unless they get it, so if they get aggressive. Right, just in case.
Just in case. You see my mom and my dad? I saw your mom.

Speaker 1 I saw your wife's parents, too.

Speaker 1 And it was like I ran to them. Did they tell you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I ran to them as if they were my own family. That's very sweet.
Hugs. You did give a lot of hugs, I heard.
I hugged everyone. Okay.
People were shocked to see you in public.

Speaker 1 My mom was like, Bobby goes outside?

Speaker 1 That's literally what my mom said. Does Bobby go outside all?

Speaker 1 No, because when you're dating people, they want to go outside. You have to go outside.

Speaker 1 But you, they're like, I don't want to go outside. Right.
And they're like, well, then I'm going to see somebody else.

Speaker 1 So I go, I'll go to the beach or whatever it might be. I've been doing all kinds of weird shit.
You're outside. I went to Universal.
I did the winding machine.

Speaker 1 What? Because of her.

Speaker 1 You went to Universal Studios? I took a class and everything.

Speaker 1 I was sitting in a class taking notes about what to do and what not to do. Like you're not ready to do the flips and the rolls.

Speaker 1 Put your hands out like this. We feel the air.
You know what I mean? And then all the symbols of like, I mean, the hand gestures will be.

Speaker 2 Did you really fly?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I flew.

Speaker 1 But my point is that when at Universal City, the mall. You got suspended in a vacuum machine.
It's not a... You didn't fly.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. No, no, go ahead.
Dude, go ahead. He's starting it.
Yeah, guy,

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you this right now, dude. And before there were jokes.
Before there were jokes, okay? This is not a joke. Okay.

Speaker 1 I will not do your movie. This is not a joke.
This is not a thing.

Speaker 1 In fact, anyone listening right now, when you watch his zombie movie, you will not see me in it because of what he just said just now. That's right.
All right. I will not.
I refuse to.

Speaker 1 You fly beautifully. No, no, you can't.

Speaker 1 You can't. You can't.
It's over.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I did fly. I'm a flying machine.
You saw my family. You got coffee.
It was nice. It was really nice to see you.
It was really nice to see you. Everyone is in my house for 4th of July.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was a little overwhelming, I'm not going to lie. And you have a lot of family.
Yeah. Having everybody over at your place is tough.
It's like one,

Speaker 1 and everybody wants something. Everybody wants something.

Speaker 1 And you don't want to. You just.
What do they want? Give me the three things they want. I'll be the guy.
Food.

Speaker 1 I'm your assistant. Okay, food.
We'll get food. I don't have an assistant.
Look at Sam.

Speaker 1 Food.

Speaker 1 Call me.

Speaker 1 Just Jiminy.

Speaker 1 Hey, Jiminy.

Speaker 1 Boss, boss. Hey, boss.
Hey, Jiminy. Hi, boss.
I have my notebook. Why is your shirt still on? Oh, sorry, boss.
You know, I want your shirt off when you walk around the house, bud.

Speaker 1 I know, I know, but the marshmallows, the marshmallows you told me to put on my body, right? I mean, you already licked them off, so I just thought I could. I asked you to get new ones.

Speaker 1 Why do you think I want you to go to the grocery store? You were supposed to put marshmallows all over your body every day. I'll be right back, boss.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at my little stay puffed marshmallow man. Hey, boss.

Speaker 1 I got the notepad. What does your family need here? Food.

Speaker 1 Bood. F.
Food.

Speaker 1 F-O-O-D-P.

Speaker 1 Good. Yes.
Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

Speaker 1 A.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that one you can't spell, can you? Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Good, yeah, that's good.
Yeah, I know what that means, the A. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And then C, B, C, three.

Speaker 1 Sunscreen. Sunscreen.
Oh, yeah, because the white albinos. Albinos.
The Albinos. Okay.
I'll be right back, boss. Thank you, Jeff.
That's not a lot. It doesn't seem like a lot.
No, that's not.

Speaker 1 It's just everybody, you know, you got a host. You have to be a host.
Being a host is hard. You'll never host at your house.
I've hosted before.

Speaker 1 Have I not hosted Christmas?

Speaker 2 I think Kalila hosted.

Speaker 1 Boom!

Speaker 1 You didn't do shit.

Speaker 2 I hosted. You tried to help.

Speaker 1 That's hosting. How? What did he do?

Speaker 2 Like.

Speaker 1 be honest be real for once your energy dude that's you know and look up hosting dude and no don't no don't i was just kidding right but i assume that hosting energy has a lot to do with it you need 60 energy 60 when you're hosting no how many percentage i have zero energy because i'm you're doing for others the whole time oh i save i save my energy for the host and that's why i don't leave the house that's right every year i'll help the host so i just save it you help the host but now you have to be the host because you're home alone.

Speaker 1 I do host. I do host.
You're home alone, kid.

Speaker 1 Fuck hosting, then. You're right.

Speaker 1 Anyway, are they gone now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everybody's gone, and it's so quiet and nice. But I had to remove a couch cushion last night because my dog had anal secretions all over the couch cushions.

Speaker 2 Oh, our dogs do that.

Speaker 1 I hate it so much.

Speaker 2 It's fish butt.

Speaker 1 Fish butt. It stinks.
It's the worst. Why, dude? It's a brand new couch.
Why what?

Speaker 1 She's only done it when she's like in her little bed or something, but for some reason she jumped on the brand new couch. The fireworks are going off for the 4th of July.
And she was...

Speaker 1 Because she was scared. I know, dude, but be scared in the bed.
Secrete on the bed. Now it's all over the couch.
So what would you do with that? I got fishbutt couch. I set it on fire.
No, you didn't.

Speaker 1 I burnt my house down.

Speaker 1 Because of Ming and the pee, I'm fingering.

Speaker 1 I want to know what I have to do. Okay, so I had to call the manufacturing company that made our couch that we just bought it from, and they have a special solution that I have to use to clean it.

Speaker 2 You can't just spray it in there.

Speaker 1 No, dude. No, you can't.
That shit is in the fucking, it's in the couch. But it eventually dries out and turns into flakes, little fish flakes.

Speaker 1 But doesn't it? That's just

Speaker 1 okay. No, it's in there.
You got to do it. I just spray.
I think that's the right thing. Yeah.
I don't even wipe. I just spray.
And that's why people are coming over saying, this is gross.

Speaker 1 It's pretty gross. Yeah.
Yeah. You need to clean this up.

Speaker 1 But isn't, and

Speaker 1 I want to ask, I'm being real. I haven't Googled it yet.
Isn't there someone that comes over with equipment and just fucking cleans your couch? Yeah, but that's it, but that's like a big deal.

Speaker 1 That's like a whole couch cleaning. That's like a, you're talking about when they, uh, when they, uh, when they

Speaker 1 want that.

Speaker 2 Someone did that to your other couch, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 1 Don't you remember? Yeah, the Stanley Steamer. You got a Stanley Steamer over there.
But let me tell you something. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got a, I just, I'm learning about, you know, that's called expressing the anal glands of your dog. You have to express the glands when they clean them.

Speaker 2 Did you do it on your own?

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 Like you went in? I was in an express. I learned how to express online.
Wow. What do you have to do? Well,

Speaker 1 wait, what is that? Is that it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Go back.

Speaker 1 That's it? Yeah. Zoom in.
Did you do that?

Speaker 1 Because if you're not doing that, you're not doing it. Well, see, I...
Oh, you use your penis?

Speaker 1 You don't use your penis.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, seriously, is that really it? Yeah, that's it. Because it said on this one thing that I read that if you just put your lips up to it,

Speaker 1 then you just go

Speaker 1 oh, yeah, that, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at what a dog's face looks like when you have to open up its tush. Look at how embarrassed that guy is.
I know, look at how embarrassed that boy is. Well, then wear pants, guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not our fault you're naked, dude. I know, you know, guy.
Yeah, I learned how to express the anal glands. It sucked.
Let me see.

Speaker 1 If you were expressing my anal glands, I wouldn't see my look. Yeah, look at what your face would be.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 same look, side by side.

Speaker 1 I do, yeah, it does suck.

Speaker 2 So, you did it on your own? Yeah, we fish butt.

Speaker 1 We got that fish butt gown. You have to.

Speaker 2 We tried it with our dog, but it was too hard.

Speaker 1 It is hard. But the woman who does her grooming, she's going to come and she said she's going to do it this end of this week.
But is it because of stress? Why did they do it?

Speaker 1 Dogs have it for all sorts of reasons. Some people, people at home, send in your suggestions of why your dog has fish butt.

Speaker 1 Some dogs because they're stressed. Some dogs get it because they're old.
Some dogs aren't expressed enough. Dude, what if fish get dog butt?

Speaker 1 i thought right what if fish get dog butt when they're stressed out yeah they might yeah yeah

Speaker 1 interesting they really might in the ocean in the ocean yeah and then we can't get there to smell it

Speaker 1 yeah that fish has dog butt he doesn't want anybody else to know don't come near him yeah

Speaker 1 that's why i think uh i hated it dogs do human lips when they take photos

Speaker 2 No, they don't. Have you ever seen a chicken's butt?

Speaker 1 Wait, what? A chicken's butt? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? It does the mouth.

Speaker 2 It does the.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? It's got lips?

Speaker 1 Whoa, what is that?

Speaker 2 No, not that. Just a tiny one.

Speaker 1 Is that a sack?

Speaker 1 What is that? A hemorrhoid? Yeah, it's a swollen. Yeah, no, go to a regular one.
Do not a fucking swollen one. That's the chicken's butt? That's it.
What's wrong with that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's wrong with that button?

Speaker 2 No, I'm just saying in the Philippines, we would like.

Speaker 1 Oh, Filipino chickens. Here we go.
Here we go. What happened? In the Philippines with chickens' butts.

Speaker 2 Because we had chickens, and then like my uncle would show us, us, like, oh, look at this. And then he would grab the chicken and he would, like,

Speaker 2 on the butt.

Speaker 1 He'd blow on its butthole.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then the lips would, and then the butt would be like a lips. Like,

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Can I just say theoretically, though?

Speaker 1 I think all butthoes, when somebody's blowing, does that. Well, come here, let me try.
No, no, I don't. We've done that before.
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's like, look at the chicken's butt.

Speaker 1 But who's the first Filipino dude to do that? And this got to be going on for centuries. Yeah, yeah.
Some guy had to try it the first time. Look at this.
This is a Filipino girl.

Speaker 1 This is what happens when you're blowing a chicken's butt.

Speaker 1 Let's see it. Let's see.

Speaker 1 So, okay, I want to.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be like.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's that's the no, y'all gotta rewind it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we wanna see it. We watch the blow.
We watch the style. Video is for you, Victor.
No.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's that's the

Speaker 1 thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, I see it.
It's doing it. It's doing it now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it.

Speaker 2 So you have to blow on it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Watch, okay? No, don't.

Speaker 1 Come here.

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 Oh, it did an extra thing.

Speaker 1 Don't you guys have to? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 1 That's incredible.

Speaker 2 That's like a popular scene.

Speaker 1 Instead of fucking Xbox, you guys have that? Okay. In the Philippines? And you're wondering why you need a passport to go to Europe.

Speaker 1 This is why. That's what you guys do, huh? Why can't I get into Japan and Europe? Because you guys blow in chickens' assholes.

Speaker 1 You lunatics. It's lunatics.
That's insane to do that. That's a fun game.

Speaker 2 It was.

Speaker 1 Until now. That's interesting.
I wonder why the chicken does that, their butthole. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it's ready for something. I know.
I wonder what happened if I put my penis in there. Look, keep kissing me.
Blow me kisses. But also, can I just say something? What a large butthole for a bird?

Speaker 1 Well, it got big. Oh, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 I got big. It stays tight, but it gets big.

Speaker 1 What have you been doing? Have you been blown in buttholes?

Speaker 2 Nothing, just work.

Speaker 1 Where are you working now? Still at school. You're working at that school? Yeah.
I thought you quit that job. I'm still doing that.
Can I just say something? Wow.

Speaker 1 You work hard at work, right?

Speaker 1 I'm the best. You're the best, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's such an easy job, and I'm I'm getting paid for it.

Speaker 1 Oh, so mine's arduous and rough.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like 10 times worse. Why? Because you have to move, you have to clean shit, you have to do everything.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That sounds worse. That's fair.
That's fair. Now, is it also that you like that school job? What is it that's at the bookstore?

Speaker 2 No, it's an administrator's office.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You like it, I bet.

Speaker 2 It's just so easy.

Speaker 1 It's just like... You don't do anything.

Speaker 2 Not do anything.

Speaker 1 How many do you get recognized?

Speaker 1 A lot?

Speaker 2 No, but it's like the chairs of like departments. And then

Speaker 1 bad friends?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They know about bad friends. And then they're like old people.

Speaker 1 Are they nice to you? Yeah, they're nice. Old, old, how old? What's old? 50?

Speaker 2 50, yeah. Like the bobbies.

Speaker 1 Not old. Not old.
Look at me, dude. 80 is old.
Well, don't do that. Don't shake your tits.
Yeah, yeah. That's a

Speaker 2 seem old to you, dude?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but they know the podcast.

Speaker 1 Well, that's good. And

Speaker 1 do you blush or do you step into the role?

Speaker 2 I blush. Oh, you do? And I just try to hide.

Speaker 1 What color are you when you blush?

Speaker 2 I'm still yellow and brown.

Speaker 1 Just more yellowy brown? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What I've enjoyed about you over the years is that you've gotten more confident, though. In every area of your life.
Cocky, even. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because you used to be like so timid. Like, we talked about the one time you sang that song

Speaker 1 at Christmas and you cried. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think you would cry now. I don't think so.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But it took a while. Like, I was so scared of you.

Speaker 1 You came out of your shell. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You were scared of him for a long time. Why? I'm just a little guy.

Speaker 2 Because you have so much energy.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 2 It's like overpowering.

Speaker 1 Very overpowering energy. I get it.
Well, when you sleep for 15 hours, you store up a lot of energy.

Speaker 1 He's like, like a Pokemon. He's just waiting to explode.
Anyway, you have no summer plans. You're going to work all summer? Let's give you a gift to go somewhere.

Speaker 2 Where?

Speaker 1 Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go?

Speaker 2 Can you just pay for my surfing classes?

Speaker 1 Or when they import you back to the Philippines, learn there. That's also true.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when they kick you out of the Philippines.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go back.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something, buddy. Donald Trump's going to get in and kick you right back to where you belong, pal.
He's going to win. Really?

Speaker 1 There's no doubt. There's no doubt now.
No doubt. So.
Joe Biden lost a tooth in the last speech. He just had tooth fat,

Speaker 1 scatter, scabby, right? Falls out of his head. Yeah, yeah.
It's incredible. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you guys something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, not politics, but anything else about that. Yeah, what?

Speaker 2 Have you guys heard of soaking?

Speaker 2 I keep seeing it on TikTok.

Speaker 1 Are you soaking?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Do you know what it is?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why are you asking about it? Do you not know what it is?

Speaker 2 I kind of know what it is, but I'm asking you guys because you guys are older.

Speaker 1 We're OGs. We know what soaking is, dude.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I invented soaking.

Speaker 1 That's Mr. Soak.
I get so tired, I can't pump anymore. So I go, let's just soak for a while.

Speaker 1 That's Mr. Soaker.
I'm soaked dog, dude. Yeah.
2020, dude. Soaked dog.

Speaker 2 So you have someone to...

Speaker 1 Have you ever soaked? Wait, wait, wait. Wait, let me stop, stop, stop.
What do you think soaking is?

Speaker 1 She's right. She's talking about a bouncer.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You're talking about a bouncer.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah, a bouncer.

Speaker 1 Bouncer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me check your ID.

Speaker 1 You know, I thought soaking was something else. No, you do know what soaking is, but when you put it in and you let it soak, you need someone on the underside of the bed to push up.

Speaker 1 Someone's got to be. Oh, I see.
Someone's got to raise the roof. I see, I see.
Right? Yeah, yeah. The Mormons do this.
And Brad Williams.

Speaker 1 My legs won't touch the ground.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 why are you doing this?

Speaker 2 No, I just see it so much on TikTok.

Speaker 1 But what do they show on TikTok? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Like like they go to like a Mormon like school and then they ask like these like college students like, oh, do you know what's soaking?

Speaker 1 So what is soaking on TikTok?

Speaker 2 It's when a couple they don't have sex.

Speaker 2 They just do that like on the position on the bed, the girl is

Speaker 2 doggy. Yeah.
The guy is standing and they're close and then there's another person who's doing the bouncing. Or, like, that's not soaking.

Speaker 1 No, soaking is when you put it in, but you don't move. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it goes in and doesn't move. Look it up on fucking, what do you call it? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What? So, soaking is where you put it in and you don't move. That's what I think soaking is, right?

Speaker 2 Well, I just learned it this week.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's not you're learning it wrong. Stop getting your information from TikTok and YouTube, man.

Speaker 1 We'll tell you the truth on YouTube. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I looked at him on pornhub.

Speaker 1 All right, stop. Let's not talk about that.
Well, can we? Yeah, no, not. No, all right.
Anyway, anyway. We're not going to show it.
Yeah, yeah, anyway. Yeah, um.

Speaker 1 Soak dog. You're wild, dude.
You're wild right now. It's your fucking problem.
Here, sexual practice. It's on Wikipedia.
Yeah, I like edging. My favorite.
I edge and I soak.

Speaker 1 Sexual practice is inserting the penis in the vagina, but not subsequently thrusting or ejaculating reportedly by using some members of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints, LDS, Mormons.

Speaker 1 It's not common, but obviously it's enough to be on Wikipedia. So clearly.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did the Mormons support it then? No, they just all do it.

Speaker 1 And they just stick it in, and then they just scary it. I mean, what do they say to each other? We'd be soaking.

Speaker 1 Oh. Joseph Smith was a known soaker.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? I think when he found the tablets, he was soaking. Oh, really? He was soaking then? He was soaking back then.
Whoa. He'd been soaking.
Yeah, yeah. My dog's been soaking.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 are there other things, things you've learned?

Speaker 1 You know what I soak? Pans after I've used them. That's what I soak, okay, pal? You perv? I soak a pan after I cook in it.
Yeah. Okay.
Perv. Perv.
Say it again, Bob. Perv.

Speaker 1 What else have you been learning?

Speaker 2 I've learned on TikTok about Rat Boy Summer.

Speaker 1 Rap Boy Summer. Rat, like...
Rat Boy Summer. Yeah.
What's a Rat Boy Summer?

Speaker 2 It's like Car it's like Carlos' face.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Okay, now we're getting up now getting up, War.

Speaker 2 Like, that's like

Speaker 2 that's like Carlos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do kind of look like a rat Carlos.

Speaker 2 And that's like trending right now. Like white boys who look like

Speaker 1 rats.

Speaker 2 And they're like really

Speaker 2 like attractive to girls.

Speaker 1 So who's a good rat? Timothy Chalamet? These are rats.

Speaker 2 These guys from Challengers.

Speaker 1 I mean the guy in the back legitimately looks like a rat.

Speaker 2 But he's so hot.

Speaker 1 Let me guess who a rat boy would. Lee Lmessie.
Rat boy? No. Not a rat boy.
Okay, I'm just throwing it out there. He's too old.
Just a mouse.

Speaker 1 He's a mouse. Very good.

Speaker 1 Is Pete Davidson a Rat Boy Summer? Yeah, he's Rat Boy Summer.

Speaker 2 Why him? It has to be. Like, their bone structure is like,

Speaker 2 they're so skinny and just.

Speaker 1 That kid, what's that kid? Barry Keogan? Rat Boyd. Oh, he's a rat summer.
He's a rat boy summer. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Rat Boy Summer. You're not a Rat Boy Summer.
We're fucking old. We're rat men.
We're Splinter. You're Splinter.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm a Splinter or something. You're a Splinter.
I have a Splinter Summer. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
These guys are Rat boys.

Speaker 2 I see. But they're so handsome.

Speaker 1 No. That Barry Keegan guy looks ratty, too.
Yeah, I see it now. Yeah, yeah.
All these guys are rats. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah, that's a rat for sure.
So it used to be White Boy Summer, now it's Rat Boy Summer.

Speaker 2 Rat Boy Summer. That's trending.

Speaker 1 But you don't like white boys anyway.

Speaker 2 But that's the thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Are you starting to like white dudes? Yeah, they're rat boys.
Wow. I'm waiting for the panda summer.

Speaker 1 Because that panda summer, then I'm going to be in. And I'll be the red panda summer.
I'll be in

Speaker 1 right after you. Yeah, why can't there be an animal that I resemble that's going to have can we have a summer? Yeah, why can't you guys have an orangutan summer with me?

Speaker 1 I'm just throwing poop at girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is a hot trend for you now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's on TikTok.

Speaker 1 Your whole life seems to be revolving around TikTok now.

Speaker 2 I tick tock like almost every day.

Speaker 1 How many hours?

Speaker 1 Go to your usage or whatever and see how many hours you're on TikTok on average a day. Does your generation go to the movies?

Speaker 2 Yeah, me and my boyfriend go.

Speaker 1 So, what have you seen with your boyfriend?

Speaker 2 The studio Ghibli one, Boy and the Heron.

Speaker 1 It's like a re

Speaker 1 Yeah, but still, she went and saw it. That's something to do.

Speaker 2 Inside Out.

Speaker 1 How cute was that? You saw it? No, I want to go see it. It looks so cute.
I like the first one. They're all great.
Everything they make is, was that Pixar? Yeah, they always don't miss.

Speaker 1 They don't miss. They don't.
What's your favorite one? What do you mean they don't fucking? What are you shaking your head at? There are a couple misses. Give me a mess.
Give me a miss.

Speaker 1 Cars 2. They're nowhere near as consistent as they once were.
The good dinosaur 2. The good dinosaur, Miss.
They made two of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They made two of two of them.
I know. You ever saw Cars.
I don't even saw the first one. I saw Cars, the original.
I didn't see the first one. It was so cute.
Yeah. OG's good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite one? I know mine. Of all time? A Pixar.
I mean, bring up the Pixar movie so I don't. Because sometimes I'm confusing Pixar with what's the other one.
The Dreamworks?

Speaker 1 Dreamworks, because they do the same fucking thing. All right, so for me, I zoom in.

Speaker 1 Me, I'm not going to look at the list. My number one, Wally.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know my number one for me. And my number two is is probably the first Incredibles.
Yes. Insane.
You didn't like them? No, I did, but I'm just saying Toy Story is the goat of all goats.

Speaker 1 It's the greatest fucking story ever told. That's a good one, yeah.
Okay. And Finding Nemo, home run.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's a miss. You're right.
Lightyear stinks. Monsters Yune, amazing.
Okay. There's a lot of bangers, although

Speaker 1 I'm not a Ratatouille fan, but a lot of bangers. But which wasn't with the Fisher's like, where am I? That's all of them.
That's every movie. No, there's one where Ellen was.

Speaker 2 Finding

Speaker 1 Dory. Finding Dory.
finding Dory. That's one, right?

Speaker 1 Who am I? That's a follow-up. Okay.
That wasn't as good. I like that one.
Nemo. Okay.

Speaker 1 Luca.

Speaker 1 That was a Spanish one, right? Italian. Same, same.
Close.

Speaker 1 Up.

Speaker 1 Oh, loved. I mean, the up.
We talk about it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's too good. It's too good.
It's the best of all time.

Speaker 1 Coco is great. And you know what? Even though she's red, I know no one like Brave.
I get it. Yeah, that's the

Speaker 1 Junker one. Well, it's proof that red people can't lead a film.
They can't. No, I know.
I'm looking right at it. Yeah.
Neither can there's no Korean leads on there either, bud. Yeah, there is, man.

Speaker 1 Which Korean film did they have? The fat guy from up. He's not a lead.
The fat guy from up?

Speaker 1 He's Filipino.

Speaker 1 He's Filipino.

Speaker 1 Bring up the fat kid from up. He's not Filipino.
That's Korean.

Speaker 1 He's not Korean. Yeah, he's Korean.
Look at him. No, he's not.

Speaker 1 Look at. Look at it.
He's first of all, if anything that's...

Speaker 1 Do you have any kimchi?

Speaker 1 Look at that face.

Speaker 1 That's fancy. He's Spanish for sure.
There's no doubt. You think he's Spanish? For sure.
100%. You don't have one then, huh? You have Mulan.
We have the whole movie. Mulan.

Speaker 1 That's not Korean. I know, but it's Asian.

Speaker 1 No, you got to have Korean. Koreans can't lead.
Redheads and Koreans can't lead. That's why we're doing this fucking podcast for so long.
You're right, you're right. We're stuck.

Speaker 2 Wait, what is this? Turning red?

Speaker 1 Turning red, and then there's the short film back. Turning red.
What do they drink a beer? What is that about?

Speaker 2 She turns into a

Speaker 1 furry monster. Yeah.

Speaker 1 guy again that's me and you yeah i never saw i never saw that did you see that that's you and me dude that's literally our movie let me make artwork with that

Speaker 1 yeah that is 100 us why haven't we made that artwork yet

Speaker 1 somebody online make that that couldn't be obviously more us that's insane us that's bad friends

Speaker 1 that's real good All right, so

Speaker 1 we'll give you surf lessons for the summer. That's fine.
McCone has to go out there and film it and surf with you, though. Because I want to see it.

Speaker 1 I don't want to pay for something and not be able to see it. I want to know that you're out there doing it and you're trying.

Speaker 2 Oh, so McCone is going to surf with me?

Speaker 1 No, he's going to film you surfing because I want to see the progress. I want to know you're doing it.
And I'm not going to fucking go to the beach. Okay.
I can't go to the beach.

Speaker 2 Can McCone come with me and surf?

Speaker 1 No, he can't film and surf.

Speaker 1 You like McCone?

Speaker 1 Good guy, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That doesn't sound good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is nice.

Speaker 1 He'll go out out there. He can't surf.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 He can't swim, McCone?

Speaker 1 I can swim. Dude, you should see.
He's such a bad swimmer. He looks so dumb when he swims.
Yeah. He flails his arms.
We don't have oceans.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you been watching the worst roommate on the second season? No. Why? I just am not interested.
What do you mean? I just, it doesn't appeal to me. Roommates?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What don't you like about roommates? I don't have any. You've never had roommates in your life?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I want to try having roommates.

Speaker 1 When I stopped having them, you have a roommate.

Speaker 2 No, like my age, and then like fight with them and just like go crazy.

Speaker 1 I want to try that. Okay.
Oh, like, if you, no, you'll, it'll drive you crazy. You should get someone your own age.
You should live with someone your own age.

Speaker 2 Because my friends, they had roommates, and it's always like chaos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because there's always money.

Speaker 1 Cohen's got roommates. How many roommates do you have? I have three other roommates.
And you hate them? I'm tired of living with other people. I know.

Speaker 1 I get it. Are you making enough money now that you don't have to live with other people? I actually just got the keys to a one-bedroom.
Are you serious? So, we got you a one-bedroom.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that would be the nice thing to say. I had a roommate, Calisto Hernandez.

Speaker 1 Kalilo's full name was Kalisto.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Kalisto Hernandez, him and I lived in Silver Lake together, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he was this kind of guy. Now, back then, I wasn't on Mad.
I was a struggling open-minding comic. What year is this?

Speaker 1 97. Six, seven? Yeah, you're not going to find him online.
So, Calisto Hernandez, we would walk into a bar, and women, this is how handsome he was.

Speaker 1 Women would just walk up to him and just make out with him without even introducing himself. Was he an actor or something? No, he was just like this Hispanic guy that was very handsome back then.

Speaker 1 Where did you find him? I met him in San Diego back in the day. Doing? He was an actor.
We were kids. We played chess.
So he was an actor. Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1 How do I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's one of those.
Okay, he's one of those guys where I always told him, I go, he's good at everything, but not great. So he was in a band.
He was an actor.

Speaker 1 He then one day was like, I'm doing oil painting. You know what I mean? He was like one of those guys.
He's a jack of all trades, master of none. Master of, yeah, that jack of all trades.

Speaker 1 Master of none. But I used to tell him, I go, dude, just focus on acting.
You're a good looking, you're a good actor. Yeah.
Because I'm in a play and balbo. It was good.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But he would. What?

Speaker 1 No, he wasn't. Yes, he was.
No, he wasn't. I mean, as a kid, I remember buying tickets and we'll go to the Balboa in San Diego and watching him do this Hispanic play.

Speaker 1 And he walked out. I was like, and he had a bunch of kind of Hispanic lines.
I was like, oh, that's pretty good. Magusta, Magusta, whatever.
Magusta, Magusa.

Speaker 1 He came out. Yeah, and I was like, oh, he has a future.
Boss, boss, they're playing. They play.
He played, they played. Yeah.
And then we moved up here and he just was focused and too many women.

Speaker 1 So he was hooking up with too many chicks. He had no, I couldn't.
I've never seen anyone with no money,

Speaker 1 dirty,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 But get so many. I got, I got

Speaker 1 nothing.

Speaker 1 So I get on Mad TV, right? So I move out. And then he goes,

Speaker 1 hey, dude,

Speaker 1 my dream is to open up a skate store. He goes, he goes, can I have money? I go, you know what? I'm going to help you with your dream.
I give him 10 grand, right?

Speaker 1 And then I walk into the state skate store six months later and I pick up a shirt and I go,

Speaker 1 hey, dude, I want this shirt. He goes, okay, dude, that's $39.95, whatever.

Speaker 1 And I go, Dude, I gave it to you. He goes, I know, but that's not, you know, I'll pay you.
I go, but can I just have it? He's like, no, no, no, you got to pay $39.99, right? So that's the first thing.

Speaker 1 It's so funny. That is, that's hilarious.
Would that make you mad? Yeah. So I go, all right, here's $39.95, right? So here's what really made me mad.

Speaker 1 The shop closes. And my brother was working there at the shop.
It closes. Then a year later, he found his dad on like ancestry.com ancestry.com or something.
He was adopted in Mexico.

Speaker 1 His dad was super rich.

Speaker 1 And then like a year after that, his dad just died

Speaker 1 and left Kalisto with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Right? What? Where's your 10 grand?

Speaker 1 Then three years after that, I run into him. I go, dude, I heard you got the money.
Yeah, I drank through it. Oh, why? He was alcoholic.
He had nothing. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 And I just was like, yeah, fuck you, dude.

Speaker 1 I love him. I love Khalisto.
I had a roommate. Yeah, so then there we go.
I had a roommate who

Speaker 1 swore, like, lived and died by the book, The Game from Neil Strauss. Do you know who that? Do you know what that is? Dude, I know.
Do you remember that book? Dude, I met Neil Strauss. Huh?

Speaker 1 George is like that. George read that book.
He looks like a guy that read that book. He was obsessed with it.

Speaker 1 Dude, that validates everything I thought about George. Dude, dude, I read that book.
I read the book, right? Not one girl.

Speaker 1 And then I did Man Cow in Chicago. Neil was on the show with me.
And I looked him in the eyes. I go, you fucking garbage, you book.

Speaker 1 It didn't work shit, man. I got nothing.
But some people, it worked for George.

Speaker 1 It didn't work for George either. No.
No, he failed. I saw him fail so many times.
For people that don't know, Neil Strauss wrote this book called The Game. And it was basically a way

Speaker 1 of negging. It's the secret to negging, truly.
It's like pretending you don't care, kind of insulting girls. It's negging them.

Speaker 1 So one of the things in it is, you know what I mean, if you see a group of girls at a bar and the one you like, right, don't pay attention to her, right? Right. Be nice to the other three, right?

Speaker 1 And then kind of rip her apart a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That hairstyle is 80s, huh? And then go back to the girls, right? Right. Supposedly, that's going to get their juices flowing.
It doesn't work.

Speaker 1 They spit in your face. Well, the key.
I had a girl spit in my face. The kids to be good looking.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then missed it.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 Fuck him up. No, no, don't leave.

Speaker 1 Fuck him up. Just beat his ass.

Speaker 1 I wasn't saying that. How many fucking slams are you going to do this fucking episode, dude?

Speaker 1 How many slams? It wasn't about you.

Speaker 1 It wasn't about you.

Speaker 1 I'm fired and it's late. It's like, you know what I mean? So many slams, dude.
That's a lot of slams.

Speaker 1 I'm saying

Speaker 1 Brad Pete is doing it. It works.
You're the slam king today. Yeah.
This roommate. I've told you about this guy.
So he read the game. He was incessant about the game.
A very interesting dude.

Speaker 1 He owned vending machines.

Speaker 1 Lucrative, no? Lucrative? Yeah, dude. But the back of his station wagon would have boxes of chocolate and potato chips in it.
And in the summer, the chocolate would melt in his trunk.

Speaker 1 It was just fucking insane, dude.

Speaker 1 And he would just have cases of shit. So he bought these vending machines with other guys, and he would go around and forget to fill them up.

Speaker 1 And then he had a guy that came and stayed with us for a while, one of his closest friends, and he won a Toyota Matrix in a gambling, in a like a Texas hold'em competition

Speaker 1 and then the kick it the best part was one time I came home this kid was maniac what we had shitty old carpet this this was a this was a dog shit apartment in Culver City and we had carpet and one time I came home and half of the living room carpet was ripped up all the nails were like ripped out of the floor

Speaker 1 And I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, there's hardwood floor under here, man. And I was like,

Speaker 1 okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you have to fucking fix it. And he's like, no way, man.
I'm going to get this, that landlord, that woman, I'm going to get,

Speaker 1 what was her name? Nadi. I'm going to get her to fucking do the floors.
I was like, no, you're not, dude, you idiot. Now they're going to charge us for this shit, and I'm not paying for this shit.

Speaker 1 So he goes, fine. So he ripped all the carpet off, and then he redid the wood floors.
He had them paid him.

Speaker 1 They looked real good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, good. I mean, it was, I mean, for how shitty the place was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was dude, such a weird animal.
I came home one night late after being. What if you saw like the Riddler's Nap?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, I would follow it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. One night I came home after doing shows and I smelled something really like I smelled gas in the house.
I was like, man, something smells weird.

Speaker 1 It's like it's gas. I go into the kitchen.
We had an old 1930s, those old big stove tops.

Speaker 1 The burners were on. Two of the burners, super high, burning, like

Speaker 1 you could hear it hissing. I go to turn it off and I'm like, yo, yo, is anybody cooking?

Speaker 1 I go in his room. He's almost naked.
He's almost butt naked reading reading a book with candles all around him

Speaker 1 and i go dude you left the fucking he's like oh sorry man i lit candles

Speaker 1 yeah this is the guy i lived with for two years okay when i live with when i live with kalisto my brother calls me from asu and my brother goes dude i'm moving to la

Speaker 1 right i go no no no you're not i'm coming my brother ends up at my house And he's, I go, where are you going to live? He goes, with you. So he built this Cambodian like hut in my closet.

Speaker 1 He got bamboo from somewhere. He built like a little thing.
Your brother turned into alien Gandhala.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And my brother would just sleep for years on this like bamboo hut

Speaker 1 thing that he built. In the ground, in your closet.
In my closet. So I'm laying in bed.
I didn't have

Speaker 1 a bed frame. It was just a mattress on the floor.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And I could see.
My brother's like head sticking out of the closet at night, right? But then I had this girl.

Speaker 1 I had a girlfriend. Her name was Amy Asakov.
I can talk talk about it. She was someone I was seeing.
Yeah. And she lived with me for a couple of months.
And it was the worst. And your brother.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my brother, right? Because

Speaker 1 me and Amy would start making it up. And my brother would go, I can hear you.

Speaker 1 Nightmare.

Speaker 1 Nightmare. And this went on for years.
And also, then you're like, you're also hitting open mics. Yeah.
And you're going,

Speaker 1 you know, it gets to a point where it's like, I can't do this for another year or I'm going to, I'm going to have to quit. Or I don't know what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 It just got to that point. And some of us go, we do everything we can to get out.
I think that's what I did. The breaking point.
The breaking point. Like, I got to do something.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I had roommates for so long, man.

Speaker 1 So then, but so the worst roommate ever, the show, is four episodes. You know what it is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And these nightmare roommate situations. And they're really interesting, dude.
They're really fun to watch. I mean, it's endless.
The amount of stories. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, first of all, I shared a bathroom with a couple, one bathroom with a bunch of other guys. Oh, my God.
It was like a fucking, it felt like I was in a hospital. You can have a bath, right? Bath?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You should have seen it, dude. It was disgusting.
It was repulsive. People would come over.
Like, we'd have parties, like, girls would come over. Some of you have parties.

Speaker 1 And girls wouldn't want to stay because they had to pee, but they didn't want to pee in our bathroom. It was so fucking

Speaker 2 no one cleaned it.

Speaker 1 They don't have the.

Speaker 1 No, not everyone is a rich little Filipino immigrant, okay? Yeah, yeah. Not everyone is spoiled, rotten.

Speaker 2 Don't you just need a brush and then water and then just brush and it sounds easy.

Speaker 1 It sounds easy, but it's not.

Speaker 1 You don't want to pluck another man's pubes off the fucking,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 If I lived with you, I'd see red pubes everywhere. I'm not going to scrub that off.
And I shed. I shed like a golden retriever.
These things fall off all day long. Yeah.
There's a freckle on my body.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And it'll be a nightmare. I get off the couch.
There's pubes and freckles everywhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And a little bit of sunburn.
You wouldn't be able to live with me, right? Would I be able to live with you? Yeah, a two-bedroom. Yeah, in a 50,000-square-foot house.

Speaker 1 No, but in a... Where we have separate wings.
But do you think we could live, though, a year? Think about it. Easily.
At this stage in your life. A studio apartment.

Speaker 1 Right? Two beds, studio apartment, one bathroom. Sounds like a Japanese gangster.
I know.

Speaker 1 Two menu.

Speaker 1 One bathroom. I know, I know.
Studio apartment. I know.
But do you think you could do it? No, because of how we are now. Yeah.
Yeah. Years ago, no.
I don't think we could do it now. We could.

Speaker 1 Day four, we would be at it. We wouldn't see each other.
Oh, that's right. You're always on the road.
Oh, I would book myself on the road. We'd be gone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be fine.
Yeah. And then.

Speaker 1 You know what? Fuck it. I think you and I should do at least we should do a year of living together.
Yeah. For the sake of the show.
You think so?

Speaker 1 If we have a final season of this show, it should be you and I living together. But I bring my three cats.
You bring your dog. Fine.
See what happens. Love it.
In one studio apartment.

Speaker 1 I think we should add more dogs and cats. It should be

Speaker 1 four dogs like a Dr. Doolittle situation

Speaker 1 I'd love that. Yeah, like whatever we call the ark arc of the ark.
Yeah, all the animals the covenant of the ark. Yeah, that would be we would be we'd be dead.

Speaker 1 You need to get yourself some roommates and learn. You have to learn those kind of things.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Those are like the building blocks of life, of learning to go through the shit, of like dealing with other people's.

Speaker 1 You didn't replace the toilet paper. Why did you buy, you know what I mean? The all that shit you need to learn because now you're just getting anything you want from Kalila.
Yeah, and I feel like

Speaker 2 I feel like I don't say what I what I want to say, so I feel like if I had roommates, I'd like learn from that.

Speaker 1 Does she make you pay any money for stuff? Just my own stuff, like what, like your cell phone?

Speaker 2 Uh, no, due to Bobby basically.

Speaker 1 You still pay for that fucking cell phone? Yeah, rocket money, yeah. Oh, yeah, I do, don't I? But I think You can see my fucking house then.
So what do you pay for of your own?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Atekaya is always in Hawaii, so I pay for like my food.

Speaker 1 So she's never paid rent. She's been in America.
Ever.

Speaker 1 It's American Dream. Yeah.
And then my Prius, you drive. Right.
How much did I charge you for that?

Speaker 2 $3,500.

Speaker 1 What an innocuous number. Why did you charge her that? I don't think I did charge her.
Just give it to her. I don't think I did charge her.

Speaker 2 You did?

Speaker 1 You paid him for that?

Speaker 1 How?

Speaker 2 You know, when the car broke and I had to pay for it, and you said, you pay for it, and then you have to pay.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that's how I paid for it. Yeah.
It got fixed. Yeah, you fix it and it's yours.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I'm not going to.
You know what I mean? Come on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I would grab a check and

Speaker 1 I've never done that. So you're never going to live with roommates.
You've been spoiled.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Maybe when I have an actual job and then leave.

Speaker 1 You are going to, I know this for a fact, 15 years from now, you're going to be stressed out, right?

Speaker 1 You're going to lay down in your bed and you're going to close your eyes and you're going to think of us. I'll tell you what, you're going to be like, I had it so good then.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I just talk on a podcast. Get it? Now that you...
What do you want to be when you grow up? Now you're going to graduate college? Because life is going to come at you fast.

Speaker 2 I still don't know.

Speaker 1 You don't have any idea of what you might want to do?

Speaker 2 Maybe something in like marine bio. Because I I like diving and I like animals.

Speaker 1 So marine biologist. Maybe something.
You got to go to school for that again. Yeah.
Or maybe be like bubble gump shrimp.

Speaker 1 Get a shrimp out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You want to be shrimp.
Whenever I watch that movie, I go shrimp out.

Speaker 1 You want to be a shrimp oat captain? No. I mean, you can make money, though.
Get all the shrimp.

Speaker 2 I just don't want to deal with shrimps.

Speaker 1 Why? All right. Well, clams.
No. There's other things down there right now.
Others, though. Scallops.
You go scalloping.

Speaker 1 Scallop hunting. No.

Speaker 2 I want like whales.

Speaker 1 You can't hunt whales.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to hunt them.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to hunt them. No, what I'm saying is that, well, you just want to observe and like write down, you know what I mean? Oh, the scallop, you know what I mean? Reproduces every four hours.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 She wants to be my octopus teacher. Yeah.
Oh, that's what.

Speaker 1 There's no money in that. I know.
We want you to get a shrimp out.

Speaker 1 Please, for us. Yeah, for like, make some money.
You'll be the best at it.

Speaker 2 I don't know anything about Booty Jewels shrimp.

Speaker 1 You don't know anything about shrimp? Neither did fucking Forrest Gump. Yeah, figured it out.
Figured it out, dude.

Speaker 2 Can't be something like

Speaker 1 fun. No.
No.

Speaker 1 No, life is not fun. Yeah.
Or, you know, go up to Alaska with those boats. And do the crab boat fishing.
Yeah, dude, that's fun. Would you do that? King crab?

Speaker 2 Isn't it just all like white people, though?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that's usually our thing. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, that's your thing. That is true.
That's our thing. We are the best at that.
No one's better at that. Yeah.
than the Japanese.

Speaker 1 Not at not at no King Crab. No, you guys are good at fishing, not King Crab.
Oh, you're good. Thank you.
Yeah. Okay, good.
When I said you guys, you're not Japanese. What am I talking about?

Speaker 1 I mean, when you say that. You don't get to take credit for them.
Yes, I do. No, you don't.
I'll tell you why. Why? Because then I get to take credit for all the good white stuff.
That's not true.

Speaker 1 January 6th.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I do give you that credit. Okay.
Okay. Santa Claus.
That's not you. We stole it.
You stole it. Well, success.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean. I agree.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So you're going to be a marine biologist. Well, maybe we'll help you get to that school.

Speaker 2 I'm still not sure.

Speaker 2 That's just what I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you got to try something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just feel like I don't have any interest in anything.

Speaker 1 That's a tough place to be. Zero interest in anything?

Speaker 2 Were you interested?

Speaker 1 Well, you were interested in anybody. We're different.

Speaker 1 We always wanted to be. Comedy was the thing we knew we wanted.

Speaker 2 I don't know anything.

Speaker 1 How old are you now? 22. I didn't figure that out until I was 23.
It's the same fucking age. She has a year.
Was that a bit?

Speaker 1 That's insane. It's the same age.
It's not. She's 23, not too long.
At 22, I had no idea, is what I'm saying. So at 23, it was like, poof.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I took an improv class. I go, oh, this is fun.
All right. Well, a lot of people start to think of what they might want to do.

Speaker 2 Like, Undress knew what he was going to do.

Speaker 1 We don't even know what he wants to do. Like, what does he do? Oh, he does a movie that you're not going to be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, get your students in here and come say hi.
Go ahead and bring them in here. He's got his students with us again.
Are these students from Quenipiac? Yes.

Speaker 1 He's fucking every year this guy. Hello.

Speaker 1 Sit in that chair if you don't mind. Oh, I remember you.
I remember you from out there. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You don't mind put the mic close there to Carlos? All right.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 Carlos.

Speaker 1 That was aggressive, Carlos.

Speaker 1 Say fucking sorry. Oh, say sorry or something.
Say, I'm sorry for that.

Speaker 1 No, don't touch people.

Speaker 1 Nobody wants to be touched. Back up, dude.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what is your name?

Speaker 2 I'm Vic.

Speaker 1 Vec. Vic.
Wait, how do you spell it? V-I-C. Vic.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You say Vec.

Speaker 2 Sorry, sometimes I say things wrong.

Speaker 1 No, you said it right. It's how you say it.
It's your name. Vic.
Vec.

Speaker 1 This is Rudy, by the way. Say hi.
Hi. Did you change it, Vec?

Speaker 1 What did your parents name you? Victoria. See, that's what they do.
What, the whites? The whites do this. That's our thing.
Yeah. Like, you know, you're Margaret, right?

Speaker 1 And then, like, 20 years later, I'm Margo.

Speaker 1 Well, they would just say

Speaker 1 Margo.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Margo.
Whatever. I'm M or whatever.
But Vic is cool. Yeah, Vic is cool.
Sorry, my bad. No, that's fine.

Speaker 2 Start calling me Anish Castok.

Speaker 1 Vic,

Speaker 1 you're a Quinnipiak. You're in film school.

Speaker 2 I'm not.

Speaker 1 No. What do you do?

Speaker 2 I am a game design and development student.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Whoa, I love games.
That's why you're wearing that specific bad friend sweater. Yes.

Speaker 2 Because you like that game?

Speaker 2 Actually, I have not played Stardew Valley.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 What do you you play?

Speaker 2 I'm more of a tabletop gamer. So

Speaker 2 I play a lot of DD.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Dragons. Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, a lot of video games on a table.

Speaker 1 Yeah, kind of. Cards and little barbers.
No, that's a card game. It's not a video game.
It's a card game. Yeah, I'm trying to get to it.
It's a dice game. It's a dice game with cards.

Speaker 1 There's no cards. There's no cards?

Speaker 1 And I'm playing it wrong. You know, I'll tell you about DD people.
A lot of it's in their imagination, no? Yes. So you build it in your mind.
Yeah. I need to see things.
I'm a visual guy.

Speaker 2 We have maps.

Speaker 2 Like my friends will actually make like full-on maps. So that way, for those who can't picture things, we have maps.

Speaker 1 But wait a minute. What if somebody makes a map that you don't agree with? Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I'm a player, it doesn't matter. If I'm the GM, I can tell them they're wrong.

Speaker 1 If you're the what?

Speaker 2 Game master, person who's.

Speaker 1 And do you, do you walk into the room? I'm Game Master today.

Speaker 2 Not necessarily. It's more of a each of us have different games we'd run different days.
I run every other Saturday.

Speaker 1 So you're the GM every other Saturday?

Speaker 2 Yes, my friend does it every Sunday afternoon.

Speaker 1 Do you have a little bit more of an attitude on Saturdays?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, you're

Speaker 1 a little bit more pointed, don't you think? Yeah, yeah. Like you wake up that morning, you go, I'm the fucking GM, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You got a little bit of fucking ump in your step, right?

Speaker 2 It's a great confidence builder.

Speaker 1 It must be to be a GM.

Speaker 1 You wake up excited? I do.

Speaker 1 I'm GM today.

Speaker 1 On Saturday, GM day, what's breakfast for you, Vic? Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Because that's a big fucking day. Raw egg.
You eat one raw egg? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely. Slurp a yellow yoga.
Like Rocky Day. Slurpa yolk.
It's a little weird.

Speaker 2 It is a buttered bagel made in the microwave.

Speaker 1 Buttered bagel that you put in the microwave. Yes, because

Speaker 2 it tastes like a soft pretzel.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 this is a great idea, by the way. I do like this.
No, wait, what? It tastes like a soft pretzel. You just microwave a bagel.
It probably tastes like a soft pretzel. Oh, okay.
You put salt on it?

Speaker 1 But if it's wet, right? Is that why? You wet it? Yeah, you dunk it in water. No, you just put, you just microwave it and you put butter on it.
You don't do water bagels? Not bagels.

Speaker 2 You should. I have a question.
Did you like

Speaker 2 Stranger Things?

Speaker 2 I watched the first two seasons. I did not like how they portrayed the game.

Speaker 1 Wait, how does DD have anything to do Stranger Things?

Speaker 2 Because that's what they like to do.

Speaker 1 Oh, in Stranger Things. Yeah.
Okay, my bad.

Speaker 1 The whole plot point of the show.

Speaker 1 Did you never see that show? I refused. Okay.
It's such a good show. I told you why, right? Why?

Speaker 1 He was going to be. No, just stop.
Stop. Lack of representation.
No, no, no, no, no. What happened was.

Speaker 1 What did you say?

Speaker 1 Is that the fourth slam? What is it? Four or five. Yeah, yeah.
What is it? Tell me what it is.

Speaker 2 It's a lack of representation.

Speaker 1 Lack of representation.

Speaker 1 I don't want to tell you. It's a boring story.
It's a boring story.

Speaker 1 Just do a quick verse. All right, so my agent's calling me, though.
There's a show called Oneonta, right? Or something, right? Oh, no, Montauk. It was called Montauk.

Speaker 1 Right? And I go, you're talking about Squid Game? No, stop. Stop.
All right. So I go, okay.
And they go, there's a role. And I go, I have to go in.
I went in. I got the part.
Nice. On Montauk, right?

Speaker 1 Then they, then they called me and they said, there are no, it's a period piece from the 80s. They don't, there were no Asians in Indiana or whatever.
Well, I don't know where it was, right?

Speaker 1 And I go, okay, but then Andrew Daly got it. right that part and then he couldn't do it so they called me back and they go do you want it i I go, Yeah, I want to do this pilot.

Speaker 1 And then, like, two days before I'm able to fly out, they go, We're gonna give it to a local, I don't know, something like that.

Speaker 1 They changed the name to Stranger Things.

Speaker 1 Wow, and then I had to drive around to have nothing then, right? I was so anyway. Are you happy? I said that story I don't want to fucking say

Speaker 1 anyway. Vicks,

Speaker 1 hi, hi. So, let me ask you something: Vic's Vic,

Speaker 1 not vapor rub,

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ,

Speaker 1 That's what I heard. I know.
Or I've never played D and D, okay? So him and R come over, right? Yep. You know what I mean? You know, hey, I'm Eugene.

Speaker 1 We change our names. Why? I don't know why.
Okay, Eugene. Yeah, what's your name? Tell me my name.

Speaker 1 Robert.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
I'm Robert. That's Eugene.
I'm Eugene. We're here to play D ⁇ D.

Speaker 1 We've never played D ⁇ D, so how do we start?

Speaker 2 All right, start by making a character. All right.
So you'll be given a piece of of paper. Yeah.
Has some lines, some boxes, some bubbles.

Speaker 1 Well, I already know that. Leonard Mungpie.

Speaker 1 Alright.

Speaker 1 Start by... I'm Chooch.
Start by rolling by. If Chooch, I'm Leonard Mungpie.

Speaker 2 Alright, you start by rolling your stats. You get...

Speaker 1 Okay, I rolled. It's a zero.
What is that happens? All right.

Speaker 2 Take it out between 3 and 18.

Speaker 1 That's somewhere out there.

Speaker 1 Okay. I got a 3.
All right, you got a 3.

Speaker 2 So the best way I can do this.

Speaker 1 Do you have any snacks? Yeah. I'm starving.
Yeah. We came all the way here.
We biked all the way from our house. Do you have snacks?

Speaker 2 I didn't bring anything. Sorry.

Speaker 1 You're the GM and you didn't bring snacks.

Speaker 2 So, my green players.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are we doing here?

Speaker 2 My green plays online.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but we're here. We have your best,

Speaker 1 wet bagels in town.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Make us a water bagel.
We want a wet water with the butter.

Speaker 1 Do you think we came over here? Yeah, goddamn. They're like a pretzel, right? Yeah, they're pretzels.
Yeah. All right, water bagels.

Speaker 1 So you don't have you already ate them. Yeah, I do.
Okay. Okay, anyway, so what's up? You ate an entire sleeve of bagels ponadas? Yeah.
There's six in there. Hey, hey, calm down, chooch.
I got hungry.

Speaker 1 Eugene, fuck off. Oh, Robert, I mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, no, you're character. Anyway,

Speaker 1 it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 three is for the lowest you can roll. So, I guess you start by what stat you don't want to be good at.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 can we figure out what the stats are? All right. Let me guess.
Physical,

Speaker 1 strength, menace,

Speaker 2 dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, correct.

Speaker 1 Constitution was a historical. You have to rewrite the whole thing.

Speaker 2 Constitution is.

Speaker 1 They better not touch my fucking Constitution. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1 I don't care if the dragons or the dungeons are involved.

Speaker 2 No, no, he's saying it's physical forces.

Speaker 1 There they are. Right.
Strength. Okay.
Dexterity. No magic?

Speaker 1 That's what charisma is.

Speaker 2 Wisdom or charisma. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Determine magic based on your class. Okay, good.
Oh, class. I'm Korean.

Speaker 1 Leonard Mengtai is Korean.

Speaker 1 Can I not pick that?

Speaker 2 Profession, more or less.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, give me the professions.

Speaker 2 Fighter, rogue, monk, barbarian, artificer, wizard, sorcerer, druid. I think.

Speaker 1 You're a druid.

Speaker 1 I'm a druid for sure. Very druidic.

Speaker 2 On a high wisdom stat.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm rolling with my wisdom first. All right.
I got a three.

Speaker 1 I keep rolling three

Speaker 1 points. I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's weighted or something, these things.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 So, Jira's Low Wisdom means you're not going to be able to cast a lot of spells.

Speaker 1 Okay. But you.
But I'll think about them. Just think about them.

Speaker 1 I'll think about the spells.

Speaker 2 Probably work on having a high constitution because high constitution means high hit points.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what is constitution? You have to go to the gym.

Speaker 2 It is your physical. It's physical and mental fortitude.
It's how well you can resist poison, how much HP you have.

Speaker 1 Oh, health points. Yeah,

Speaker 2 how good you are at concentrating on your spells.

Speaker 1 Okay. Wow.
Wow, wow. All right, so I got, I'm going to throw that for that constitution.
I want to go home.

Speaker 1 I know, dude, I know a great. I don't believe

Speaker 1 it. Shows there any fucking bagels.
I know a great place. On the way home, when we're riding our bikes,

Speaker 1 I know it's 45 miles. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, okay, so my constitution's at a 60.

Speaker 2 Constitution's 16.

Speaker 1 60.

Speaker 1 Not acceptable. Why can't I get a 60?

Speaker 2 Seems like

Speaker 1 your attitude as game master, I swear to God, damn. So those feel like a six.

Speaker 2 I am am not explaining this in the proper order.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. When you're rolling for stats, you roll four six-sided dice and you keep the highest three.
So your numbers will always be between three and eighteen.

Speaker 1 So you want to develop games? Is that what you're going to school for? Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you have a game you've developed?

Speaker 2 I'm work. I've made a couple of video games.
That's what the program is usually focused on. And then I have another game.
I'm a tabletop game.

Speaker 2 I'm working with a couple friends of mine that I can't really talk about because we don't want to.

Speaker 1 You don't want to leak it? Yeah. All right.
That's smart. Talk about the games we talk about do you like Andres do you like him yeah it's pretty cool

Speaker 1 cool is not the word I'm pretty cool shut up look at your fucking face right now

Speaker 1 he's okay to you he's nice yeah yeah he's never said anything inappropriate is he one of your favorite teachers

Speaker 1 oh I've never had him as a professor actually yeah well that's how were you here then

Speaker 2 Because I filled out an application and they said yes.

Speaker 1 They ship these kids out here. Okay.
Their parents get rid of them for the summer. This is camp.
Okay, they get to come out here and have a good time. Okay, which one are you? How old are you?

Speaker 2 21.

Speaker 1 21. How old are you? 22.
Wow, look at this, huh? Look at that. You guys,

Speaker 1 I'm done.

Speaker 1 You want to go surfing? Yeah, do you want to surf? We're paying for surfing lessons.

Speaker 2 I'm not much of a surfer.

Speaker 1 Okay. Says whom?

Speaker 2 Says my. I'm a figure skater, actually.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 2 I won, like, silver in state.

Speaker 1 You won silver in state competition? In what state? Connecticut.

Speaker 1 No shit? That's huge.

Speaker 1 You are a famous

Speaker 1 state champion.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's incredible.
You do those with twirls?

Speaker 1 The VIX vapor rub twirl.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like that. Do you have a triple axle? Can you do that?

Speaker 2 No, I end up having to leave figure skating because of the pandemic, and I haven't been able to go back.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? China took over skating too? Those fuckers? All those fuckers, dude. Wait, what do you mean you had to quit because of the pandemic?

Speaker 2 they shut down the ranks they shut down the rinks and then i had a coach who was teaching me and she couldn't uh travel to the state where i was practicing oh because of she was essential so she had to actually go and to work every day

Speaker 1 as well as will you ever ride again

Speaker 1 can we see you slicing up ice ever again i plan to i

Speaker 2 I tried to get into it at school and then the day I was supposed to go, like for the interim meeting, there was a fire alarm, and I ran out without my shoes on, and it just ruined my night.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 2 I just haven't gotten back since.

Speaker 1 Vic. Vic.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for having me. Thank you, Vic a run of Vic.
That was great. You want to get one more in here?

Speaker 1 Let's get one more of the students in here. You're the best.
No one's going to beat that.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Vic. Thank you, Vic.
Number one. Incredible.
Literally, number one. Yeah.
yes oh we got a brown guy

Speaker 1 oh this is a this guy's a player dude i can tell dude when i walked in here dude look at him

Speaker 1 what's up man how you doing yeah yeah

Speaker 1 brown guy let's do it

Speaker 1 can i just say something yeah and just an observation it's a good thing

Speaker 1 from your eyebrows up it's very long

Speaker 1 what do you mean by that I don't know. Like, like eyebrows, like here? Yeah,

Speaker 1 your head is long. My head is long.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He has a lot of of hair. Okay, that's just all hair.

Speaker 1 Are you Indian? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you watch Amir Khan's movies?

Speaker 1 Do I watch what Amir Khan's movie? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like Three Idiots?

Speaker 1 Yeah, love that movie. I love it too.
Yeah, it's my favorite ones. Keep going.
This is good, Rude.

Speaker 2 And Dangal.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
The rest of the one? Yes.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite. That was good.

Speaker 2 Amir Khan's so hot. I just, he's daddy.

Speaker 1 I mean, all I know is is non, so keep going.

Speaker 1 He's an attractive man. Yeah, it's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good.
Mangalasi, one of my favorites.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like this sculpted. I just had, I was in India like yesterday.
You just got back from India? Get him out of here right now.

Speaker 1 What were you doing in India?

Speaker 1 That's good. That's what they do.
You're going to your cousin's wedding? Yeah, I just got back. How many horses rode in? Zero.
No one was on a horse? So the weddings would last like very long.

Speaker 1 So I was only there. I got there late.
I can only go for for a week because I'm here. So I went.

Speaker 1 There was like two different cities they did the wedding in. They went in Mumbai and they went in Goa, which is like southern.
It's like beachy, more tropical.

Speaker 1 And I missed the entire Mumbai part of it. So that was the actual wedding part.
And then I got there for like the reception, celebration, dancing, all that.

Speaker 1 I don't know. There might have been horses.
I don't know. There's got to be horses.
There had to have been. I've never seen a horse in India.

Speaker 1 What? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I've never seen an Indian guy on a horse before. They do that at weddings all the time.
Okay, I didn't know. Sometimes they ride in elephants and shit.

Speaker 1 Dude, indian weddings are bananas i've seen this though yeah that's it

Speaker 1 he loves that um you're like the new version you're like the upgraded

Speaker 1 you're like the iphone 14 of indians right though yeah like you can tell he's got a shine to the outside of him

Speaker 1 he takes a different plug doesn't he

Speaker 1 just call him dude you just call him a monkey man dude no like the movie oh fuck dude i'll what the fuck out of the fuck are you talking about i just watched monkey man he's like dev patel he's like a handsome you could have just said he's like dev patel yeah yeah

Speaker 1 dev patel It's insane. Fucking weirdo.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That guy is really rad. He's rad.
Yeah, I saw this last week. You just saw this? Yeah.
Well, so you are like Monkey Man, I guess. Yeah.
Doll comes back to me.

Speaker 1 Is it going to be an arranged marriage for you? For me? Yeah. That's what they were all talking about at the wedding.
They were all joking about it. I don't know how much they were joking about.

Speaker 1 But do they do that?

Speaker 1 Not as much still, no. Are you single? Me, yes.
My parents were arranged. They were? So does your parents want to arrange for you?

Speaker 1 No. They joke about it all the time.
But then maybe they're not joking. Maybe they're not joking.
Yeah. But if you did have a range, would you do it? Would I do it? Yeah.
That's a good question.

Speaker 1 I guess it depends. But then what if I like I showed up?

Speaker 1 We would make it work, I think. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You don't think I could make it work? I just don't think so. Okay.

Speaker 1 He's kind of out of your league. I know.
You're right. You're right.
He's a handsome young dude.

Speaker 1 What how old are you? 20. 20.
Yeah, you're too young.

Speaker 1 You're fucking two years older. What do you think?

Speaker 1 You said you were a senior, right? Yeah. I'm a senior.
Well, I will be. He's just smarter than you.
He skipped grades.

Speaker 2 Well, he's Indian, that's why.

Speaker 1 Well, while you were blowing in chickens' buttholes,

Speaker 1 he was learning math and science.

Speaker 1 Can't be mad at him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You had to skip a grade.

Speaker 1 I started early.

Speaker 1 My mom put me in school at like four.

Speaker 1 Are you from Connecticut? No, I'm from Jersey.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jersey, boy.

Speaker 1 Okay, right. Straight A's, I bet.
No.

Speaker 1 No, one B.

Speaker 1 A lot of B's. What?

Speaker 2 A lot of B's? Have you tried C's?

Speaker 1 Have you ever tried a C?

Speaker 1 I've had some C's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did you have a C in? They're fucking delicious. I think I had a C.
I had a C in

Speaker 1 math. No way.
One year.

Speaker 1 It was pre-calc. What did your dad say? Let me hear what your dad said.
I'm going to close my eyes and hear what you're processing. Yeah, I want to close.
Let me hear. Go ahead.
He, he, he,

Speaker 1 I'm you. I'm you.
You're me? Yeah. So you, you're dad, right? Okay.
Yo, dads, what's up?

Speaker 1 Dad? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, player.

Speaker 1 You're not going to like.

Speaker 1 Look at my report card.

Speaker 1 Disown.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, dad?

Speaker 1 Go, leave. You're done.
Get out.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That fast. Yeah.
No, that didn't happen. He did not care.
He didn't care at all? No. What a switch.
Well, from like, from like, what a switch. Is your dad from India? Yeah.
So he's not a Jersey guy.

Speaker 1 He's not a Jersey guy. You didn't do an Indian accent.
Can I do an Indian accent? Yeah, but do your dad. Does your dad sound like that? No, he barely has an Indian accent anymore.

Speaker 1 He's been here in America for like 20, 20 years. Oh, my dad.
So people won't lose it. He doesn't have an accent? No.
Well, the accent comes out when he speaks like Hindi. Right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you know any Hindi? Yeah. Speak some.
What do you want me to say? Well, tell him he's an idiot and he fucked up and he shouldn't get a C.

Speaker 1 Tell my dad that? Nope.

Speaker 1 This is your son. What's your name? Armand.
Armand? Yeah. This is you.
This is Armand. You're your dad.
Yeah, Dad, I'm Armand, Dad. Why are you forgetting me?

Speaker 1 Tell him he fucked up in Hindi, and he should never get a C. Hey, what's up, Dad? What you got to say? Damn.

Speaker 1 Bevku, got it.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Did you like that? I locked, dude. That was what I was looking for, dude.
Wait, say that one more time so I can hear it. I can do it right now.
Go ahead. Hey, babe.

Speaker 1 Muscat, man.

Speaker 1 What do you think? I said it right.

Speaker 1 The first word is bevkoof, right? Bevkoof. Yeah, it's like.
Of course, I did it fast. You have to do your head.
You have to do your head. I do it organically and real.
Do your head. Go like this.

Speaker 1 Bevkoof. Bevkoof.
You got to. You got to.
Arman. Arman, sorry.
Yeah. So you want to be a writer and director? I do want to be a writer and director.
I think you're going to be.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Do you have a movie pitch to us? To any movie? Yeah. And don't pitch me Scarface because I know that's one of your favorites.

Speaker 1 Isn't it? Pitch is a movie. You've never seen Scarface? It's Scarface.
Pitch is a movie. Pitch you a movie.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, welcome.

Speaker 1 My name is Cliff Liebertson.

Speaker 1 My partner here? I'm Steinmanson. Yeah.
Steinmanson. He just goes by Steinmanson.
Well, I'm so famous. Everybody knows who Steinmanson is.
Just call me Liebersson. Okay.
Yeah. We're Jews.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So here's the pitch, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so go ahead. So

Speaker 1 you got this guy.

Speaker 1 Let's call him Arman.

Speaker 1 And you don't have the character's name though. I don't really like that name.

Speaker 1 We can switch it up. Give me any word name.
It doesn't matter. But it's your movie.
You give us the name. I give you the name? Yes.
Okay. We'll name him Andres.

Speaker 1 I don't like that one. I don't like that.
That's fine. We'll take it.
Where is this Andres from?

Speaker 1 He's from India.

Speaker 1 Okay, we like India.

Speaker 1 We like

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 set him up on an arranged marriage, right?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 there's a lot of ways you can go with this, right? So he goes to the arranged marriage. And who's waiting for him but Bobby Lee?

Speaker 1 Oh, the Mad TV guy? The The Mad TV guy. Yeah, we.
The Mad Friends guy. I mean, we on our list

Speaker 1 it goes: Ken Jong, Randall Park, Ronnie Chang, Jimmy Oyang,

Speaker 1 Daniel DeKam.

Speaker 1 The list goes up. In fact, Steven Young.
Yeah, he's not on the list. He's not on.

Speaker 1 Give us another name, please. Any other name?

Speaker 1 Is your character Asian? He doesn't have to be. I could switch to it.
Well, how about a Barry Koenig or somebody that's relevant? Barry vegan, like a rat boy?

Speaker 1 Exactly. Like a rap boy.
We love the rat boy. Rat Boy Summer.
We love the Rat Boy Summer. Yeah, Yeah, go ahead.
Wait a minute. Time out for a second.
Is he a rat boy?

Speaker 1 Can you be a rat boy? You said when you described white, rat boy was white. But they have to be white to be a rat boy.

Speaker 2 They have to be white.

Speaker 1 Even though I've never seen a white rat.

Speaker 1 Wait, really? What do you mean? There's white rats? Where? In New York? There's white rats. Look rats all over the world.
What do you mean? I've never seen it.

Speaker 1 Every time I see a rat, they're like gray or like brown.

Speaker 1 You've never seen a rat. I've never seen that white kind of rat.
Yeah, but that. Where have you seen the rat? The brown rat? In Jersey? In New York? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But New York. This is a fancy rat.
The fancy rat. Oh, these are like bougie rats.
Yeah, hammer.

Speaker 1 Okay, I got you.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 I have an idea. Yeah.
First of all, we love you. You know this, right? Thanks.
Has this been fun? Has this been a fun little episode? Yeah. I've got someone I know that can pitch us a movie.
Okay?

Speaker 1 Okay. Hey, Vic, get in here.

Speaker 1 Vic, get in here. Watch this.
Watch this. I want you to see this.
Yeah, yeah. I'm ready.
Vic,

Speaker 1 see? Yeah. Okay, will you jump up real fast? I want you to stand over there.
Yeah, stand over there. Vic, what a movie is.
Will you sit down there, Vic, and pitch us a movie?

Speaker 1 I want Armand to watch that. This is a work of art.
This is a work of art.

Speaker 1 Pitch us a movie.

Speaker 1 We're executive. You're...
Hi, I'm Leibowitz. This is Steinmanstein.
Steinmanstein. All right.
Hi.

Speaker 2 So, this is a futuristic society, planet. We open with a detective

Speaker 2 talking with their wife.

Speaker 2 This detective, a little bit disgruntled. They just got back from a three-year stint in our space.
They're finally back home. They're married.

Speaker 1 Write the check. Write the check.

Speaker 1 Fucking check. Keep going.
Keep going.

Speaker 2 And then all these crimes start happening.

Speaker 1 Bad crimes?

Speaker 2 Bad crimes. Sorry.
A lot of

Speaker 2 property is going missing.

Speaker 2 There's been some

Speaker 2 accusations of bribery.

Speaker 2 And then the detectives

Speaker 2 lead informant gets murdered.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. What happened? Who killed him? What happened? I need to know.

Speaker 2 So there's a couple more things that happen, so it eventually leads to the fact that it is the detective's wife.

Speaker 1 That she's the killer?

Speaker 2 She's been the one committing these crimes because she was a charlatan on her home planet, which is a lower-tech planet, so she's still figuring out all this technology.

Speaker 1 My mom was a charlatan. She was.
I saw her. I remember her.
Oh, I remember her.

Speaker 2 And it's kind of that,

Speaker 2 I love you, but you're putting me in so much trouble.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, yeah, of course. Yes, as you're strategy.

Speaker 2 And at the end,

Speaker 2 there's a moment of like, oh,

Speaker 2 they're going to have like a proper wedding, like, you know, for their family.

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, yeah, of course.
An arranged marriage. An arranged relay.
Well, it was an arrangement. Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 But then they decide to not have that kind of confirmation ceremony.

Speaker 2 And they just end up sitting together and like holding on to each other and saying, I love you.

Speaker 1 And the movie is called

Speaker 2 Of Golden Glory. Yeah, side picture.

Speaker 1 Not only that. And who's the detective? You already have the casting, right? Who do you want?

Speaker 2 What do I think of Scott Johansson?

Speaker 1 Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett Johansson? Can we get her? Yeah, we can.
It's pretty expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's playing the detective.

Speaker 2 Detective Locke Smith.

Speaker 1 Her name is Locke Smith. Clever.

Speaker 1 Forget it.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
Three-picture deal. Three-picture deal.
$100 million.

Speaker 2 Best tip: know your pitch before you do it. I wrote a play about this.

Speaker 1 In your face, fucker.

Speaker 1 Sit back down. Armand.
Armon. Vic, fucking Vic.
Honestly, walk off home run. Yeah, walk off, home, run.
The game's over.

Speaker 1 Armand, how do you feel about that? And we didn't mean to pit you guys, by the way. I just knew in my heart she had something in the fucking chamber, dude.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think I got to go home and

Speaker 1 get ready and come back. No, dude, you're going to stay here in the studio even after we leave.
Okay. Okay, and I want you to work out.
I'm going to stay here till the next time.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're never coming back. No, no, no.
No, you're never coming back. Yes, he is.
He is never coming back. We love him.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
Well, thank you, Army. Thank you, Army.

Speaker 1 You can go back out there with the crew. Thank you, buddy.
You are so good. Amazing.
What did we learn today, Rudy?

Speaker 2 You know, I've noticed Indians smell so good.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 What the fuck do they smell like? What do they smell like?

Speaker 2 Like, they smell so

Speaker 1 flowery. Let me say what's really going on.
Okay.

Speaker 1 She has a crush on that guy.

Speaker 2 No, because my.

Speaker 1 They're called pheromones.

Speaker 2 No, because my co-workers are all Indians and they smell so good.

Speaker 1 Yes, they do smell good, but you also have a crush on that guy. I saw the way you were looking at him.
It was a whole thing.

Speaker 1 I have a boyfriend. Okay.

Speaker 1 Big deal.

Speaker 2 He's so young.

Speaker 1 Huh? He's so young. He's 20.
What is he? 20 years younger than you. You're the same age.
No. You think you're way more mature?

Speaker 2 No, I feel older.

Speaker 1 You know why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 you don't live with roommates. She thinks she's special.
Yeah. You think you're above this kind of stuff.
And you're kind of like also

Speaker 1 a celebrity?

Speaker 2 No, I'm not. That's right.

Speaker 1 I know who you are. I'm not if I put you in front of a bad friend's crowd thousands of people will they cheer because they know it from the podcast that's right

Speaker 1 that's what celebrity is

Speaker 1 it's verb that's actually what he's saying that's what a celebrity is no yeah yeah

Speaker 1 what else did you learn today other than that all indians smell very good um

Speaker 1 but you did think he was handsome

Speaker 2 he's cute

Speaker 1 okay okay whatever you say

Speaker 2 what did you learn and that soaking is inserting the dick to the vungi.

Speaker 1 Okay, aside from that. Well, no, that's true.
I did learn that. That is something we love.
We've talked about other things, but yeah. And that also,

Speaker 1 you missed us, and you're happy to be back.

Speaker 1 And you're going to come back. Am I wrong, or am I right, or am I right? You're right.
Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 We missed you. I missed having you around.

Speaker 1 Well, go ahead and sign off for us.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.