SOS Bobby Needs Stitches

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two are something. We're bad friends.
Well, I'm back. I'm back.

Speaker 1 We're back.

Speaker 1 How was your world tour, guys? Great, donkey. It was a great little tour, my little Asian donkey.
Yeah. Had a great time in Scotland.
You and Charlie Day, huh? Scotland. Yeah, Hollywood.
He loves it.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you. I've been hunkered down here, man.
Oh, you've been hunkering? Have you been hunkering? I'm hunkering down here, making things happen, dude.

Speaker 1 First of all, you've been falling out of bed bunks and busting your lip. You have zero privileges anymore to talk about Andrew.

Speaker 1 And that baby. Yeah, my head bumps.
Look at your dumb lip. Show your lip to the people.
It's healed now a little bit.

Speaker 1 Whoa, you know what that looks like?

Speaker 1 A nasty disease. It was nasty, dude.
It's gross. If I hit my head in a certain way, I could have died.

Speaker 1 And you smile now. Do you know? This is what I don't like about this show.
And this is what I don't like about all of you guys, right?

Speaker 1 You mock me. When I had the earthquake and I hit my head, you did the same thing.

Speaker 1 It was a little bump, dude. Did you get stitches, dog? What? I almost knocked out my eye.
I didn't, dude. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's it.
Yeah, you watch your tone, dude.

Speaker 1 It's way too much. What I'm going to say to you is this.
What were you dreaming about when you fell out of the bunk? I didn't fall out of the bunk, dude. You listened to my story, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Listen to the story, dude.
All right. Follow along, my friend.
Also, I have some things I I want to say about certain people. You know, people want to, anyway, what I want to say is this, okay?

Speaker 1 Is I do the show. I'm in Savannah, Georgia.
About the, this is fully loaded. I'm doing the fully loaded thing in Savannah, Georgia with Burt and everybody, right?

Speaker 1 Went up. It was okay.
It's fun. You did great.
We heard.

Speaker 1 I killed it. We heard?

Speaker 1 We heard.

Speaker 1 Great night with my friends backstage. Then there's a little powwow.
You know, you know, I love powwow. You're a big powwow.
I'm a powwow guy, dude. Because I'm from Pow Way.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So we really love it. And we go, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah.
That's what you do in a powwow. That is.
Yeah, yeah. We're on a campfire.

Speaker 1 There's always a campfire. And there's stories being told.
Do you smoke opium? No, I'm sober now. Okay.
Yeah, back in the day, though, we used to do that in the day. That's real powwow.
And suck dick.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Opium and the dick, and then vice versa.
They go hand in hand. Exactly.
So then I go, all right, so what bus am I on? And they're like, the last one, which is the fourth bus. With who?

Speaker 1 Big J? No, I don't even get that bus. Who was on your bus? I didn't even know.
That's how bad my bus was. You were with the crew.
No, I wasn't with the crew. With the riggers and stuff?

Speaker 1 No, it was with the...

Speaker 1 That's racist.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you were with the Riggas and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.
Yeah. We'd be rigging.
Yeah, we'd be rigging. So anyway,

Speaker 1 what happened was I...

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 was it Cisco Sound? What's his name? The Thong Song guy? Yeah, the Thong Song Cisco. No, what's his name? Oh, Sypha Sounds.
Sypha Sounds. So he texted me.
You know this, right?

Speaker 1 He was like,

Speaker 1 your boy is not happy with me. And I was like, why? What happened? Because you texted me.
I'll tell you. Well, yeah, what happened? May I tell you? Yeah, what happened?

Speaker 1 All right, so it's two in the morning. And when I get on the bus, Kelsey Cooks, you know what I mean, obviously bottom bunk.
She's awesome. Her boyfriend, very funny guy.
Chad Daniels. Chad Daniels.

Speaker 1 Both so funny. But they're like, we got bottom bunk.
We've already established. Well, yeah, they're a couple.
They get priority. But they're not in the same bunk.
They're separate bunks.

Speaker 1 You can't sleep in there with another person. You barely fit in there.
I know. My point is then why do they both get bottom bunk? What does it matter?

Speaker 1 Because they want to pull the curtain back and have a little chit-chat at it. What about up and down? That's even better.

Speaker 1 You have to look down one. Oh, that's true.
That's true. Okay.
Anyway. And by the way, when you're across, they can scurry across and then scurry back.

Speaker 1 Disgusting. Okay.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 so I go, so where am I? And they're like, that top bunk. Dump bunk.
So I got to take all the shit off. And then there's no mattress.
Right. I go, where's the mattress?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we took it out so we can put the stuff on. So I go, where is it? You know, we have to put it in there.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then the pillow and the sheets smelled like Tony Hinchcliffe because he slept in it. It's misery, dude.
It's camping, the worst kind of camping you'll like. Once the ponies in there.

Speaker 1 Right. That's my stable.
So I'm sitting there and I decide I'm going to watch Battlestar Galactica from season one. Nice.
Okay. I'm watching the night drift.
You know how I dream. You be drifting.

Speaker 1 I drift, I dream, and I

Speaker 1 fantasize revenge fantasies.

Speaker 1 All the TikTokers I'm going to kill. You know, you know how it does.
Yeah. And then

Speaker 1 at around two in the morning, I go, you know how one does pee?

Speaker 1 Most do. One does.
All do. Sometimes.
That's right. All the time.

Speaker 1 So me, I'm like, should I wait? You know how you're in a sleep, you're like, you contemplate. You wake up because of the pee.
You're like, can I sleep through this? Right.

Speaker 1 But then it builds like a dam. It's bubbling.
You're bubbling, dude. Good to see you, man.
Good to see you.

Speaker 1 And I go, I go to the bathroom. So I open the curtain.
It's pitch black.

Speaker 1 What's so funny? Let me guess. You forgot.
Don't say Riga again.

Speaker 1 Once I say pitch black, you can't say Riga. I'm sorry.
Sorry about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You forgot you were on the top bunk. I didn't forget.
Okay. Yeah, I know where I'm at.

Speaker 1 That's not how I'm not confused. Watching you swing your little legs over the top bunk and dangle them.
Yeah. It's like the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.
I know.

Speaker 1 It's just your little, two little legs kicking out. I shouldn't be up there.
You'd have no business. Did they get you a ladder? I should have put a little ladder up there.
No, no ladder.

Speaker 1 So what happened? So I scoop my little legs over. Mm-hmm.
Pitch black. And in my mind, I'm like, how do I get down? Right.
And I said, oh, this is a way. You reach over.

Speaker 1 to the other side and put your hand on the edge of the other bunk that's across the hall.

Speaker 1 So I reach and I go, there's no edge and I fall. Yeah.
And my head hits the edge. Hilarious.
My head gets knocked back. I fall to the ground and I'm knocked out.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I don't know what the fuck. And then this pain in my mouth.
I thought I lost teeth. And I open up and I'm drenched in blood.
So I take off my shirt and I put it on my face.

Speaker 1 And then I go into the first half of the bus.

Speaker 1 And I go to the bus driver and I go,

Speaker 1 I got knocked unconscious. And I think I need to go to to the hospital.
It won't stop bleeding my lips. And he goes, five hours away, bud.

Speaker 1 What am I going to do? We're in the middle of nowhere. Five hours away, bud.
You can't just sit there five hours away? I go, okay. Like, I don't want to.
Also, it's my first day on the tour. Right.

Speaker 1 My bus trip goes to the hospital, then all the other buses up. I don't know how it works.
But there's a group text, and I text, I go, you know, SOS. Oh, I'll show you.
I'll show you the text

Speaker 1 later. So anyway,

Speaker 1 I text everybody. So So everyone's on the text.
Atal, but then also Leanne Kreischer, Bert's wife. Everyone's on it.

Speaker 1 And I take a photo of my mouth and I go, I don't know what to do. I'm bleeding profusely.
Profusely. You got it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm in so much pain and I just don't know what to do. Can somebody help me? Nobody helps me.
No one responded. They're all asleep.
It's three in the morning. Oh, right.
We're on the bus.

Speaker 1 Nobody's going to West Point. Did you fall? Chad? No, no, no.
And, you know, they don't like me. Yes, they do.
But I'll tell you what pissed me off now. Here we go.
All right. Cypher sound.
Cypher.

Speaker 1 I'm sitting in their blood-drenched shirt. Okay.
He's awake. He walks out like he just came out of a fucking, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Rave.

Speaker 1 I don't know. That's not, I don't know.
It's something funny. Try it again.
We'll let you. Oh, shit.
All right. He walks out and comes out of like a smokehouse crack.
A crack house.

Speaker 1 A smokehouse crack. It's just crack house.
No, that's even worse. A smokehouse crack? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, it's not even a house.
It's much more serious than

Speaker 1 that. It's so fucking serious.
Because a crack house is one thing, but if you're in a smokehouse crack,

Speaker 1 it's insane. That's bad.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so his assistant or his buddy. His buddy.

Speaker 1 God rest this kid's soul.

Speaker 1 He's dead? No. Oh, well, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 1 No, thank you. You can't.
God rest someone. No, I didn't say that.
I said, thank you so much, God, for putting him in my life.

Speaker 1 This kid had come out like maybe a half an hour before sci-fi and sat with me. He goes, you know what? I'll stay awake and I'll sit with you.
That's very nice. Until we get to West Palm.

Speaker 1 Because you didn't want to go to sleep in case you. I died.
In case you die. Saifa comes out.
He goes, hey, I'm going to go pee.

Speaker 1 And I go, he goes pee, comes out. He goes, I go, well, I go, I got knocked unconscious.
I don't know what to do. And he goes, I'm tired, man.
And it went back.

Speaker 1 That's all he pissed me off. But what could he have done? Stay up with me.
He was tired.

Speaker 1 Dude. He told you.
There's blood everywhere. I have no certainty.
I would stay up. But the relationship is different.
You don't even know Saifa. You called him something else.

Speaker 1 You don't even know his name.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't memorize it because of the thing that he did. Oh, you knew about it.
I memorized if I know that he's going to be in my life. That's right.

Speaker 1 There's not a lot of room up here. You know that, right? I know.
There's like only three rooms. Like the new girl.
What's her name? I forgot. Wait a minute.
Let's honestly guess. Heidi.

Speaker 1 She looks like Heidi to me. What's the letter of your first name? D.
Deanna. Whoa.
It's D. I was way off mentally.
Deanna? No. Dee D.

Speaker 1 Diana. Did I just said that? Dork.
Dork. Dumb, dumb.
Dork us. Anyway, forget it.
Whatever. So there's not a lot of room here, so I didn't memorize it.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 we get to West Palm.

Speaker 1 I haven't slept.

Speaker 1 Blood is gushing out of my mouth. I had to get nine stitches.
No. Nine? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It went all the way to the bottom, dude. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then as soon as the bus, and thank God for Leanne. She's the greatest person on earth.
One of the best. She runs to the bus, grabs me.
Panicked, I'm sure. Panicked.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, we got to go to the hospital. Now we got to go.
You know what I mean? She's number one. She got somebody, you know what I mean? And then, you know, they called the paramedics.

Speaker 1 It was the whole fucking nine yards. Wow.
Right. And then I went to the hospital.
Some Chinese man, you know, did it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It was the best.

Speaker 1 Dude, the Chinese are the best at it. The stitcher was Chinese? The whole thing was Chinese.
Everyone, you were in China? We were at Chinese restaurant. Oh, wow.
Yeah, P.F. Cheng's.
No, no, we...

Speaker 1 You just get some duck and get some sticks. No, because we didn't go to the hospital.
We went to like a clinic. Oh, right, an emergency.
So I go in there and there's a black lady there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 What was that? Was that her? Or was that the Chinese guy? That wasn't the Chinese guy. Well, I can't tell anymore.
My impressions? Yeah. It's not good.
What, did she have an attitude because of you?

Speaker 1 No, that's rude. I was trying to make that comedic.
But did she have an attitude? No, she didn't. She goes, can I help you? That's very nice.
That's better. Right.
And that's more real.

Speaker 1 But was there a white person in there with it? No, they were all black. And I go, yeah.
And she goes, nah, we can't do that. We don't do that here because in the mouth, right?

Speaker 1 You might have to go to the hospital. But then the Chinese doctor came out and he looks at me and he goes, no, we do it now.
Whoa. I go, you do it now? We do now.

Speaker 1 He goes, we don't know how, but we do it now. If you weren't Asian, do you think he would have helped you? No.
If it was me, he would have turned me around. Hospital.
Hospital. Before you go.

Speaker 1 And then I swear, this is not a lie. All right.

Speaker 1 They had to like move things around and then look for things.

Speaker 1 That's not a good sign. Yeah, I know it wasn't, but I'm like, he's doing it for me.
It wasn't readily available. No, no, she's like, well, that's, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 The switches and all that stuff. You know, with the pad.
We don't know where, you know, they don't know. They're like looking at things, right? They don't know.
They're scrambling around.

Speaker 1 They're bringing chairs in that aren't supposed to, you know what I mean? Right. And then she's like, he's like, there's no apparatus.
He goes to the lady and she goes, he goes, open him out.

Speaker 1 Right? So she opens my mouth. Keep it still.

Speaker 1 So she's like doing this with her fingers, right? And she's like just doing it like, I call it the first blood style. First blood.
Remember the first blood? When he falls off the fucking cliff?

Speaker 1 That's you. That was me, dude.
Wait, did he, are these disappearing stitches or do they take them back out? They're disappearing. They're the ones that mold into you.

Speaker 1 They mold in? Well, they go into your skin, right? Don't they dissolve into your skin? Yeah, they dissolve in the skin. Yeah, yeah.
But what does that really mean? Is that...

Speaker 1 It's like... You think there's...
I'm a scarecrow. Could that be another vaccine? I'm a scarecrow.
Is that another vaccine? Oh, maybe.

Speaker 1 They can actually dissolve by being absorbed by the body as wound heals but i just don't trust him oh yeah because it was a chinese gun that didn't all right it couldn't you know what it was bamboo probably

Speaker 1 oh wow yeah yeah it was fucking bamboo dude you think he helped you because you were asian 100 if you weren't asian he'd have sent you away go go yeah what if you were what if you were a black guy because the black girl was up front no

Speaker 1 he wouldn't even give me a suggestion i don't think the black girl would be like lead to death put some put some cussing on it yeah lead to death yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know but i he looked at me and he was like i'm gonna help this guy.

Speaker 1 He felt like he had to do it for the motherland. Right.
So then I go, you know what? All right. So I get the stitches and they're like, well, what about the show tonight? I go, I think I can do it.

Speaker 1 But I haven't slept all day. I've just been bleeding into my shirt.
So I'm going to go to a hotel. Right.

Speaker 1 And I slept for like seven hours. Wow.
I wake up

Speaker 1 and I couldn't talk. Right.
You're swollen. I'm swollen and there's so much pain.
Because I'm in AA and stuff, I can't take any medication for it, except for for ibuprofen.

Speaker 1 And I just call them and I go,

Speaker 1 I can't do the show. I'm so sorry.
And they're like, we understand. What did it sound like?

Speaker 1 I can't do the show. Like that.
Yeah. Anyway, so they go, so I just took a flight back to L.A.
You came home immediately? I came home and I just spent like five days alone just weathering through it.

Speaker 1 Have you been real? Yeah, you seemed like you were upset when we talked.

Speaker 1 Well, I was upset.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 I'm grateful that I didn't hit my head, you know, like, you know what I mean? Like, if I hit my forehead, I think it would have been way worse. Yeah, you'd have been like Carlos.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I don't want to be like Carlos. Nobody does.
That's insane, dude. You have a good body.
Thanks, bro. But I don't have that.
So I would have just your mind. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Off your body. With my body, and it doesn't work.

Speaker 1 It's endgame. I get that.
Yeah. So, no offense.
And none taken? None taken. Okay, good.
None taken? Yeah. We're good at this point.

Speaker 1 Take some.

Speaker 1 Take some. I secretly took some.
Take one. Leave some for others.
Yeah, leave some some. Yeah.
Leave some. Leave some for the other people.
So, um. Did you hold your pee this whole time?

Speaker 1 All right, dude. It's not like I was bleeding in my short.
I was like, I got to hold the pee, too. It's like, no, I went to pee.

Speaker 1 That's what you were thinking about the whole time. I was telling the story.
Like, when did the pee happen? Yeah, when is the pee happening? I did insane. That's true.
Did you pee at it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Well, it's like watching a movie. You just assume, like, I just saw Planet of the Kingdom of the Apes, right? Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 There's no shit scene, but you just assume that the monkeys are shitting somewhere. I would like to to see that.
I would love to see a shit scene. Why are they

Speaker 1 not showing that? Yeah, they don't show that. Because the ones that throw the shit, that's always fun.
I'd love to see that. Yeah, you weaponize it.
Yeah. Weaponize your poo.

Speaker 1 So anyway, yeah, any movie. When's the last time you saw a movie and they go, oh, that's a good shit scene?

Speaker 1 Never. Not one movie you can tell me.

Speaker 1 Unless it's a comedy. Oh, yeah, I know.
There's no dumb and dumber. Dumber.
That's the only one where he can't flush the toilet. I assumed that

Speaker 1 in pulp fiction, fiction, Travolta. Right? I assume he was shitting because he took long enough.
Oh, yeah, that's yeah, that's when the pop-tarts came up. So that's a good scene.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's think of another really powerful one. Train spotting.

Speaker 1 Train spotting. Very good.
Oh, I know one. What? But I don't think he was shitting.
It doesn't matter. Just a good bad through me.
All right. So it was the guy, the lawyer in Jurassic Park.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, Scratch. He runs to the fucking hold of it.
Like a coward, leaves the kids there. Yeah.
It's just they're trembling. And then there's fucking the T-Rex.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a great scene. They split him up half, right? They split him in half.
Yeah, bit him in half. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Something about Mary. Such a good bathroom scene when he zips his beans over the Frank.
But rarely in a drama or a suspense or like a it's always in comedy. It's never in like a serious movie.

Speaker 1 Well, because Daniel Day-Lewis is not going to poop on camera unless it's a vital part of the story. I would love to see Abe Lincoln Pooh, though.

Speaker 1 What is he thinking when he's pooping? Three scores, four scores. How many scores? It depends on how many shots he hears.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He just hears like poop, boop, boop, boo, three, four, four, yeah, four scores. I mean, that's why he came up with it.
Four scores. Yeah, yeah.
So, are you good now?

Speaker 1 I'm going to go back out two days from now. Oh, good.
Yeah, I'm going to do two more, and then I think I'm done.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 they've been so nice and caring about what's going on. Tour is great.
You've done it. Yeah, I did it last year.
It was amazing.

Speaker 1 And this one, you're with Whitney. No, I wasn't with Whitney.
Oh, she's on it now. Yeah, I'm not on hers.
I'm on another. The other leg.
Yeah, mine tour is with Soder. Love Soder.

Speaker 1 Morel. Sam, the best.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What a crew. Davitel.

Speaker 1 King. Greatest.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Big J, I said. Big Jay Okrey.
He's on. Okra's Son.
Yep. I love him.
He's a great guy. Who else? I'm Kelsey Cook.
And Dan. Dan, yeah.
I mean, not Dan. Matt.
And wait. Why'd you say yes if I said?

Speaker 1 Televin? What's his name? Matt. No, Chad.
Daniels. Chad O'Daniels, yeah.
Chad Daniels. Not O'Daniels.
I just met him, so I don't know. Chad Daniels.
I just met him. He's going to be in my new...

Speaker 1 I'm going to put his name in here. He's very funny.
But psycho psycho, no.

Speaker 1 You don't like cypher sounds? Psycho sipho sounds is gone? I can't even memorize it. No.
You know what? It's so funny because I know he called you in Scotland. Yeah.
Dana.

Speaker 1 Is your name Dana? No. Uh-oh.
Okay. Yeah.
Go ahead. Debbie.
No.

Speaker 1 It's like, it's something hippie. Like dandelion or something.

Speaker 1 Danica. No.

Speaker 1 Dormat. Denise.
Denise. No.
No, it is. Darla.
No, it's Denise. Is it Denise? No, it's not.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We'll figure out later. Don't stop.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, and I'm going to go back out. They assure me a bottom bunk this time.

Speaker 1 You should, I would hope. Yeah, I refuse to get on it with it that's on the bottom.
It's so funny if they made you go up top again. And I fell.
Phil again. Who's sleeping in the backback? Nobody.

Speaker 1 Why don't you sleep back there? You deserve it. You busted your lip.

Speaker 1 Because they left. Yeah, I should do that.
You deserve that. And I'd throw a fist.
Yeah, I'm going to get back bunk. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You should.
Thank you so much. You deserve back bunk.

Speaker 1 What are you texting somebody? I'm going to text. I'm going to text.
Bert, text Bert. I'm backpunk.
Yeah. But

Speaker 1 I haven't broken a bone ever. I really haven't.
And I've never been hurt like that as an adult.

Speaker 1 So it was sort of like I was kind of like, when I was healing, I was like, I'm just grateful. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You seem so disinterested. Who? Carlos.
I'm not. Why? You're such a piece of shit, dude.
I was looking at Andrew to see what he was doing. We're doing multiple things at the same time.

Speaker 1 It's fine.

Speaker 1 I mean, we are like just talking about the same same injury for 20 minutes i said you're trying to reach his mouth oh great not a very did you hear what i'm just saying i heard what he said where's the pill

Speaker 1 i'm gonna take it tonight oh forget it not good for the lip was that the boner pill yeah yeah you're gonna take it okay this is what happened when i was cleaning the other day if i don't get a pill at the end of this podcast i'm there's gonna be another all right there's gonna be another thing coming i gotta go to chevron all right we'll go to chevron get it What you want to take that?

Speaker 1 No, I just want it. Are you doing shows tonight? No.
We're not on the same show tonight? No.

Speaker 1 Oh. It'd be sick if you took it and got on a show.
Yeah, no, no, no. I'm not on tonight or tomorrow.
I'm going to take a break.

Speaker 1 No, you're not taking a break. You're getting the rhino pill and you're going to go be a bad boy.
No, I'm going to jerk off. What? Yeah, I found it.
That's fun. You take it to...
Really?

Speaker 1 Dude, I found...

Speaker 1 I can't even talk about it, bro. Talk about it, baby.

Speaker 1 Well, during my pain,

Speaker 1 I was like, I don't know what to do tonight because I'm not going up. So I go, you know, when you don't know what to do, you go to the hustler store.

Speaker 1 Yeah, everyone does. Generational.

Speaker 1 My family's always done that in pain. And I go, and they know me now.
They go, hey, Bob. I go, what's up? And, you know, it's like Chime.
You know, when I was younger,

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Speaker 1 What's up, Norm? Was you there? Was Norm? Yeah, Norm was there. Cliff was there, too.
And they go, you know, you know what it reminds me of? You know, in like

Speaker 1 Triple X or like Bond movies, there's like, you know what I mean? Come here. And they open up a thing and there's like these gadgets.
Uh-huh. Yeah, I have that guy there.
Mr. Lee, come on in.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And I go in there and look what we got. This black market.
And they have all these, like, you know, there's a new toy that I got, right?

Speaker 1 And I literally kiss it when I'm done using it.

Speaker 1 I literally go, thank you. And I kiss it and I go, put it to bed.
What? What's the toy? It's just just a new apparatus, right?

Speaker 1 And it's so powerful, and it's so beautiful. It's a suck machine? It's beyond that.
It's my girlfriend. How much does it cost? Her name is.
How much did it cost? They're not.

Speaker 1 Also, I went online and I bought like four of them because, you know, what happens is... You break them.
Not just to break them. They always discontinue things.
And in my mind, I'm like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? As if it's like, you know, you know.

Speaker 1 It goes out of season at some point. Yeah, yeah.
Like, they're never going to make it. It's like those breakfast carnation bars in the 70s and 80s that I loved, and they don't make them anymore.

Speaker 1 So I'm afraid that they're going to

Speaker 1 discontinue them. Yeah, yeah.
I get that. I showed McCone my collection.
Did you like it, McCone?

Speaker 1 I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 1 It's so good, dude. Try to add out of this.
Yeah, yeah. He's been very, you know, also, he snaps on me now, McCone.
Have you noticed that? Yeah, he gets a little added to him.

Speaker 1 No, even when I'm running into him at the comic store, he'll snap.

Speaker 1 What does he say? And so now I know that underneath there is a resentment, and he won't tell me what the resentment is because I don't want it to get out of control.

Speaker 1 We know what happens when that happens. No, yeah, and I apologize for that.

Speaker 1 Do you remember what the snap was about? I remember exactly what it was. Okay.
I took a picture of your busted lip, and then you said, Let me see it. And then I said, it's film.
And you got mad.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. But that's not how we said it.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you, right? Yeah, yeah. Let me see it.
He goes, it's film.

Speaker 1 And I go, whoa, dude, I just say it's film. Like, what's the fucking anger about? I was just texting Leanne.
I said, you got to give my boy the backbunk. And what did she say?

Speaker 1 In a show with Bert, call you in a few. Okay.
Probably going to discuss. We'll have to discuss the deal terms, though, but I will act as your attorney for this.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Look, I just think that given my client's trauma,

Speaker 1 I just believe it's safer and better for everybody, including psychopsychophounds,

Speaker 1 to have you removed from

Speaker 1 his area.

Speaker 1 No, I want to see Sci-Fi. And I want to say about Sim.
He's a very funny guy. He's great.
He's dynamic. He also DJs, right? Yeah.
Yeah. He's got the whole thing, and he really is a nice guy.

Speaker 1 In fact, in the morning, I think he was too high. And in the morning,

Speaker 1 before I got shipped off to the makeshift hospital, the Chinese man, he was like very apologetic. He was like, I was super high.
I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 1 And so I was just, as a joke, putting him on blast, you know, on blast. But it worked, yeah.
But it's just as a joke, and he's a nice guy. He's a bright future.
I'll never do anything with him. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, but I'm sure he'll pave his way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He'll pave his way? I don't know. I guess so.
Can we only hope? I hope so. I hope he has all the fucking equipment to do that.
To physically pave?

Speaker 1 You mean like roadwork stuff? Yeah,

Speaker 1 his limited days in comedy is over.

Speaker 1 No, I'm kidding. No, he's very funny.
And I just met him. He's a super nice guy.
He was just super high. And it was like a.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a moment. Yeah, yeah.
It's funny who, you know, when I was in pain, it's like, who called me? You did a lot. Yeah, what the fuck? And you were in Scotland.
I called you from Scotland.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Leon's calling right now.

Speaker 1 Let's discuss. Okay.
But I do want to hear who called you. Okay.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Mr.,

Speaker 1 what's up? Hey, you're on bad friends with me and Bobby. So don't say anything that you usually say.
Don't say crazy shit like you usually do, okay?

Speaker 1 We have to be good with our audience. And I know that you're known to just say wild shit.
I noticed that my client, Robert Lee, is injured from your tour.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm attorney at law, and I'm not going to take legal action, but I am going to

Speaker 1 fight for my client.

Speaker 1 You mean the operator error that happened when getting out of his own bunk? Oh, wait, it was my client's fault.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was operator error. Okay.

Speaker 1 My client tells me that the gap between his bunk and the next bunk was significantly larger than normal buses. Is this not true?

Speaker 1 I think it's about length of arm, maybe. Length of arm.
Okay. Yeah.
Length of arm. But you know that your client.
But the client, you know how his arms are not,

Speaker 1 my client's arms are very much smaller than normal human arms. You are aware of that.

Speaker 1 I am now.

Speaker 1 Well, moving forward, so let's put him on a bottom bunk if you don't mind, please. I can do that.
I can make that happen for him. Fair enough.
You will see no legal ramifications for this.

Speaker 1 I really appreciate you. And have a wonderful day.
Nice. I can't wait to have him back.
We love you.

Speaker 1 I'm me too. I know.
I miss you guys. And I'm sending him on behalf of me.
So I love you guys. Have fun.
We'll talk to you soon. Love you, buddy.
Love you. Bye.
Bye.

Speaker 1 She's the best. She's the best.
Number fucking one. She's number one.

Speaker 1 She's too good for him. For Bert? Yeah.
No, what are you fucking talking about? Oh, I mean, he's good too.

Speaker 1 He is really good too. No, but you see her and you go, wow, I get it.
Every guy that's with a woman like that is always going to be worse than the woman.

Speaker 1 Like, they're always out-kicking their coverage. Yeah.
You're going to end up with someone who's like, Your wife is way better than you. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you're going to be with someone who's way better than you. That's how it goes.
Look at Fancy.

Speaker 1 Look at Fancy. Above his league.
His wife is stunning. Stunning.
Yeah. Look at

Speaker 1 the room. Yeah, that's all.
That's it.

Speaker 1 And McCone, he outkicks his coverage. I mean, so does Carla.
You see anybody, McCone?

Speaker 1 Not currently. Yeah.
How about you, Carl?

Speaker 1 You just call him Carl?

Speaker 1 It feels better, right? Carl, are you not hooking up with anybody right now or dating or anything? I hooked up with someone last week. I don't think it'll last.

Speaker 1 I'm talking to a couple girls right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's it? Yeah.
Nothing fun. It doesn't sound fun.
You sound a little low today. It's yeah, I'm not like super into it.
I'm not like, I'm not like crushing or anything like that.

Speaker 1 Well, the summer's coming. Don't you want to be a little free summer boy? Like a white boy summer.
Yeah, don't you want to have a little white boy summer?

Speaker 1 Kind of, but I'm just more hanging out. He seems low.
I can't wait until you find.

Speaker 1 There will be one woman that he's going to go. That's it.
Or a man that doesn't. I mean, who knows? Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Right? Well, it could.
Could it not be a guy?

Speaker 1 It could be a really handsome, like cool guy. And no, honestly.
Can you see yourself marrying a guy? Be real. No.
Marrying a guy. That's illegal, isn't it? Yeah, in some places, I think.

Speaker 1 No, I wouldn't marry a man.

Speaker 1 But there are guys, like Henry Cavill.

Speaker 1 So if Henry Cavill, if Superman, Henry Cavill, goes, hey, I want to, let's get married, would you marry him? Yes.

Speaker 1 Why? Because he's so handsome. All right, so that's the rest of your life.
Oh, and you wouldn't. Henry Cavill.
Or Tom Hardy. Or Austin Butler.
I would fuck one time.

Speaker 1 For the story. For the story.
You would marry. No, I wouldn't.
100% now. I would marry.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 What's so funny?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You would definitely marry. No, I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Shut up, Jen. No, I wouldn't.
Yes, you would. I would not marry.
Security. I have security.
Well, you love the fame. You would love the fame.
Not as famous as you. You would love the fame.

Speaker 1 You're famous. No, I'm not.
You are.

Speaker 1 And would I marry you now? Yes, you would.

Speaker 1 Fucking nah. If I set it up right.
What? If I set it up right. Operation.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, because you know what it is? Once you smiled, wearing sex. And once you smiled, we would erupt into laughter.
And we wouldn't be able to fit it. It would be too funny.

Speaker 1 Who else called you while you were hurt, by the way? Oh, here we go. Because I called you from around the fucking world, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, you called, obviously, the people from you know, I mean, the tour called, right?

Speaker 1 You know, people that were close to me, like my manager and stuff, right?

Speaker 1 But no one else from this side of

Speaker 1 my business, really, yeah. None of these people,

Speaker 1 I texted you, I texted you, never called, though, because you never pick up my call, so I texted you in this when it comes to lifetime injuries, yeah, and severe things, you call it's a call,

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he didn't reply because this is a call time. That's call only.

Speaker 1 Injury call. Yeah, injury call, dude.
You don't text. I'm sorry.
I didn't want to bother. Nothing from Carl.

Speaker 1 Carl, you had nothing? Nothing from Carl. I don't want to bother Bob.

Speaker 1 Are you calling me Bob now?

Speaker 1 I also call you Bob behind your back. Yeah, you call Andy?

Speaker 1 No, you don't.

Speaker 1 I've never said that. You don't call Andy.
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You hate Andy, right? Yeah, it's so gross. But why? Because now, because we're so close now,

Speaker 1 can I please be the one guy to call you Andy? No, I'd rather you make up a nickname for me. No, I want to call you Andy.
Make up a nickname.

Speaker 1 And?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Andy? Can I call you Andy? It doesn't have to be derivative of my name. It can be anything.
Yeah. Like you, you're my dumpling, my noodle.
I call you all sorts of stuff. Hot link.
Hot link? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hot link. Yeah, I'll be your hot link.
Yeah. Or a red hot.
H-T, hot link. I don't know.
I want to call you Andy. H.T.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to call you Hot Link. No, I'm Andy.
I'm going to call you Andy. No.
Please. I want to be the one guy on earth.
That'd be cool. And then people are like, I can call him that.

Speaker 1 No, no, this is reserved for me. Let me have the one thing with you.
Make him cute, though. Make him cute.
No, Andy's so cool. Look at fucking

Speaker 1 piglet. Call me your little piglet.
That's better? Yeah, I'm a little piglet. But what is your thing with Andy? It just sounds too childlike or...
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it sounds like a kid. Yeah, people, you call me Bob.
I don't like that. I let you do it.

Speaker 1 I don't often call you Bob. You have, though.
And I don't correct you. Well, then I won't anymore.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Deal. That's how offensive Andy is then.
No, it doesn't really. It doesn't bother me.
It's just weird. I just don't.
It's not my name. Okay.
A nickname would make more sense for me than that. Okay.

Speaker 1 And Carl, you don't like that. No, it's like.
No, you are Carl, though. You are Carl.
I don't like it. I like it.
Yeah, yeah. Can we do Carl? 100%.
Yeah, yeah. It's already changed.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, there's a guy that I know that calls me, you know, because of Cheeto, he calls me cheese. And I don't like it, but

Speaker 1 I do like it. Is he black? If a black guy calls you anything,

Speaker 1 it's going to sound cooler than if a white guy says it. Right, because I have black comics call me Chan.
Love that. What's up, Chan? Like,

Speaker 1 Jackie? Yeah. Yeah.
And then, like, the other day I saw a post, Chrissy D,

Speaker 1 right? They were doing a baby post, like, about, like, what's cuter, black babies or Asian babies. Right.
And Miss Pat was the guest.

Speaker 1 And she goes, she's like, she goes to her assistant, hey, you're not a Chinese guy. I do this podcast sometimes.
He doesn't even know my name.

Speaker 1 She doesn't even know my name. I know that.
Yeah. And she's done my podcast so many times.
That's okay because it's just on brand almost. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But if anybody else did that, I'd be so mad that they forgot my name. She said, all them Chinese babies look like Bobby Lee.
Yeah, that's Bobby Lee. That's Bobby Lee.
That's Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 She said, very funny. But it is true.
Bring up a bunch of Asian babies. And she's right.
Yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, it's collectively.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the argument is.

Speaker 1 Which baby's cuter? Black babies or Chinese babies? Yeah, what is, do you think? Black baby, it's not even close. It's not even remotely close.
Bro, bro, look at the one in the hoodie, dude.

Speaker 1 That looks like baby Yoda right there, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, that right there, dude. I will bet on that baby over any black baby you find me.
I'll find you. Look at that baby, dude.
That's a good one. Yeah, look at that one.

Speaker 1 That's what they usually look like. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's doring up for the baby. Not cute, though? Just give me black babies.
Yeah, cute, black baby. Let's see.
Not even close. Look at the first one.
Click on the fucking first one.

Speaker 1 That's a 26-year-old guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. Look at how good looking that kid is.
Yeah. He's a baby.
He wrote a book already. He wrote, yeah,

Speaker 1 he's going to, he's on tour right now with Matt Reif. Him and Matt Reif are opening stadiums.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Cute.
Little Black Babies is number one. Number one, dude.
And then also when they have attitude, I love it.

Speaker 1 Yes. You know what I mean? Mr., I don't know.
You know what I mean? When they do that, I love it. I love it.
You know what I mean? And then it's like, you're two. How do you know that attitude?

Speaker 1 Amazing. I love it, dude.
And the Chinese one, they don't have.

Speaker 1 They don't know.

Speaker 1 Right? Do they, they don't know, dude. No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Chinese babies.
No, I saw this one Asian baby. She was so in touch.
She's probably six years old. In touch with her feelings.

Speaker 1 She was basically, mom, I just want you know that, you know what I mean, you're the greatest and you know what I mean? Feel your heart. Cute.
Right. And just live in the moment.

Speaker 1 Like all these fucking, I was like, yeah. At six, dude, I didn't even know the English language.
No, yeah. You're still behind.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Eating my burger. I mean, like, and then there are these kids that are like, they hit full sentences and they're very mindful.
They're emotionally developed. And developed.

Speaker 1 That's weird. Like you, you weren't like that at six.
Lunatic. If I asked you at six years old, I go,

Speaker 1 how do you feel about life now? I was so far. I was at six.
Yeah, you'd be a six-year-old. Yeah.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that way.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about life so far?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, me too. Yeah, yeah.
I'm a toy. Toy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. My dad's gone.
The file. Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, yeah. I pulled you on fire.
Break, break, break, break, toy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what it is. Yeah, that's it.
Ruin, break, destroy. When did I even learn to even put a thought together?

Speaker 1 Probably 12. Mid-20s.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a real thought. Maybe in my 20s.
Like, why am I here?

Speaker 1 Well, that one is. Yeah, that one, yeah.
That'll get me. Yeah.
Maybe mid, maybe teens, I started to think about stuff. Before I was a teenager i didn't think about

Speaker 1 you just living yeah you're just kind of going about your

Speaker 1 i remember when i thought why am i here

Speaker 1 i was and i know the guy's name i was at painted rock elementary school we were playing softball right i was running from first base to second base and

Speaker 1 you know i mean kicked me in the nutsack why i don't know why i don't like that and i fell to the ground and i remember it was so much pain And I remember also thinking, wow, my nuts are so small, he hit it right on.

Speaker 1 So he was a sniper, right? And I remember going, why am I here? Yeah, what's the purpose? Like, what's the point of this? This is ridiculous. What's that? That's painted rock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's, I lived literally five minutes from there. Painted rock.

Speaker 1 That's amazing that they have that on the internet.

Speaker 1 That's everything.

Speaker 1 They have everything. Yeah, yeah.
You forget.

Speaker 1 Sometimes when I go to Poway, I'll drive by my house. You drive by your old place? Yeah.
I drive by it, and it just, it instantly puts me back.

Speaker 1 Do you smell something? What is it? What's the take? What's the moment that brings you back? Like, what's the thought or what's the emotion?

Speaker 1 I think of my dad, I think,

Speaker 1 you know, mainly. Like the way your dad talked or sounded? Yeah, I mean, because, you know, I talk about my life as it was kind of grim, but there were pockets of joy.

Speaker 1 And there were pockets of good, you know, memories with him, you know, and my mom. What was your best memory with your dad?

Speaker 1 My dad, my mom would yell at him, like, you don't ever to talk him to no, nothing. You don't ever take him to nothing, nothing.

Speaker 1 Like, he was not one of those guys that's like, you know, let's go to the ball game or, you know what I mean? Well, you know, let me talk to teach you how to do this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So one day he didn't know what to do. So he like just put me in his car and he didn't know where to go.

Speaker 1 So he's just kind of driving around. I just knew this as a kid instinctually.
I go, this fool doesn't even know where to go. We're supposed to play Father's Sunday.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And he just went to some like generic park with a bench. He goes, I guess, you know, the family come here, yeah, right.
We get out and we just sit on this bench, right?

Speaker 1 And I remember this because he yelled at me later because I forgot my jacket there. Yeah, but I remember being on that, and this is why,

Speaker 1 what's it? Why are you smiling? I'm listening to an

Speaker 1 so in my mind. I'm like, this is the reason the reason why I remember this is because it was so, it was such an anomaly, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I sat there, we didn't talk, but I just remember thinking, go, he's trying. It's really nice.
It was nice. But then later, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, chuck it.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And it hit me, I think. You know what I mean? But I just remember that day, though, was nice.
I like those moments. Yeah, yeah.
Do you smell?

Speaker 1 Do you remember how it smelled in the house? I do. Do you know what I mean when you remember how a house used to smell? It smelled like kimchi.
The whole time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember having to tell people, you know what I mean? Hey, get a load of this, prepare yourself for this smell, right? And then, because

Speaker 1 my house always smelled. Now, when you're in it and you're like during the summer, you don't smell it.

Speaker 1 But then when you go to school and then you come back, you smell like regular, you know what I mean? Like a classroom. Right.
And then always when you came in and go, oh yeah, here it is.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like dead. I mean, whale pussy.

Speaker 1 That's what it smelled like. Dead whale pussy.
Yeah. What do white people's houses smell like when you were a kid? I love it.
When you went to a white town.

Speaker 1 There was a little bit of moth, like with the cotton. Mothballs.
Yeah. There's a hint of mothballs.
I don't know. I always smell a hint of coffee.
Yeah, well, we're always drinking coffee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a hint of coffee. And then it's always like, and I didn't know the word for it back then.
Bologna. Soap.
No. Oh, my God.
Pumpkin spice.

Speaker 1 There was always a little pumpkin spice. Like a hint of that kind of like...
It's a nutmeg-y. Nutmeggy, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, fall smell,

Speaker 1 which I love. Here's another smell that you hear, because I'm a connoisseur of white smells.
I don't know if you know that. Oh, yeah.
I've been in many white house. I'm big with the whites.

Speaker 1 I've spent the night there, you know what I mean? And there's a little bit of leather.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know where the leather's from? A baseball mitt, usually. We leave those around the house.
Do you really? I have one in every room. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I always smell that.

Speaker 1 And I always talk about it.

Speaker 1 When I did NACA. Yeah, college thing.
The college thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, one night I was in Indiana and they're like, you have to spend the night at these old people's house in the attic for one night and then you got to take the Greyhound bus to the next thing.

Speaker 1 So I remember, and they're like, lights out at nine. Right.

Speaker 1 And it's no, it's the dead of winter and it's cold as fuck. And they gave me a thin, like, you know, one that they fucking knitted, one of those blankets.
So it's like itchy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I'm in this attic like this, creaking, right? And I'm like, oh, there's no way I'm going to sleep. There's fucking no way I'm going to sleep.
Right. But I remember going, let's analyze the smells.

Speaker 1 What's in there? All the things I told you about. Yeah.
And that's how I'm an expert. Leather.
Yeah. Leather stands out.
Are you an expert of smells of people's houses?

Speaker 1 No, but I do walk into some people's houses. I do not like the way it smells sometimes.
Yeah. Okay.
So let's say I'm Armenian. What would you smell, Defense? I'm not coming over.

Speaker 1 Really? No. Not even to play chess? No, of course I'm coming over.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no.
It smells like cologne. A lot of it.
Oh, a lot of it, yeah.

Speaker 1 So much that it's, I can't, I'm a little, I can't breathe. I'm stuffy.
I get stuffy. Right.
I get stuffy. But what's, let me ask you something, pal,

Speaker 1 Andy, if I may. Go ahead.
Right. What would be the perfect smell in a house? If I walked in.
Laundry.

Speaker 1 Mexicans. Mexicans.
Laundry. Best smelling houses.
Their houses always smell laundry. Way too much, though.
Doesn't matter. Why do they use so much? I love it.
I use a lot because of them.

Speaker 1 They inspire me. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I overdump.

Speaker 1 I overdump. Yeah.
I smell my shit. But that's why, because I want to smell my shirt four days later and it still smells like laundry.
Dude, it's probably they figure that out. They just overuse.

Speaker 1 I think they're a good thing. Yeah.
Yeah. That's cultural.
Yeah. I love how they refried the bean.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, they clever. They're clever in that way.
If they're going to fry the bean twice, they're going to put in two Tide Pods.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. Exactly.
Dude, dude. The thinking behind it.
Right. Might as well do twice, huh? Two times the concentration.

Speaker 1 That bottle right there. It looks like that black people love that to drink.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Y'all got me ding in the fridge? Yeah, we got fabuloso.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we got a

Speaker 1 Coca-Cola Classic, orange juice, fabuloso.

Speaker 1 Holy, that just gives you diabetes once you drink it, I think. Fabuloso? Yeah, yeah.
It gives you diet. Yeah, you die.
Yeah, you die. That's insane.
That stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I want to talk about another thing that, and I don't know what to do.
I'm at my last. I'm I'm at my last your last gas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and um and there's nothing I can do But you know, I you know I spent some money to interior design my house I have brand new funeral furniture at my house. It looks great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it looks like a movie my house But I can't sit on any of the furniture because of Ming

Speaker 1 What's going on? My cat Ming

Speaker 1 decided I don't like this furniture So I'm just gonna pee on every bit of the furniture. Oh my gosh.
So she goes to every piece of furniture and just pisses on it, right?

Speaker 1 So then I go online, I go, okay, like the spray. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? The anti, she loves it.
She thinks it's like, oh, pee more.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, it's almost like I should pee here where the spray is, right?

Speaker 1 And we went to the hospital. You know what I mean? Everything's fine.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I just don't know what to do. So it's just like, and I talk to Ming every night.
I go.

Speaker 1 Yo, dog. It's like, bro, it's like, I really do have these conversations.
What if you keep Ming in one of your rooms?

Speaker 1 No, because I want my cats to be free. That's what I'm saying.
But I mean, does she do this when you're home or when you're not home? Usually when I'm not home. Well, that's right.

Speaker 1 So when you're not home, keep her in a room where she learns her lesson. Right.
But then when I'm sleeping, I don't want her. No.
She won't do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't do it. You got to coach her through it.

Speaker 1 Really? Right, though? I mean, you do that with dogs. You got to train the cat.
The cats are smarter than dogs.

Speaker 1 But she's 12. She knows what she's doing.
She just started doing it.

Speaker 1 Because she doesn't like your fucking taste. She doesn't like it.
Yeah, like, you know, I don't like modern. Yeah.
That's she's doing? She's more of a contemporary. Oh, I see.
That's what it is.

Speaker 1 No, I think what it is is because

Speaker 1 during the construction, we had so many people over. Oh, she didn't like it.
It stressed her out. Well, yeah, you shouldn't have done that.
That pissed her off. Yeah, I know.
But anyway.

Speaker 1 You spent the fortune and all that furniture. It's all fucked up.
Yeah, but still, it's still worth keeping a cat, my cat. I love her.
Well, yeah, I'm not saying get rid of the cat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, you know,

Speaker 1 I do look at her and I go, why? Why? Yeah, yeah. It was so nice to come home and see my dog.
Yeah, what was he like? She, what was she like? She's freaking out. Freaking the fuck out.
Piddled a lot.

Speaker 1 She piddles a lot when she sees me. When I come home off a road trip, I have to greet her outside because she pisses everywhere.
She keeps pissing. She pisses.
On you? She pisses on everything.

Speaker 1 She just pisses. Because she's so excited.
Yeah, she pisses.

Speaker 1 They call it piddling or coddling or whatever. Yeah.
But honestly, dude, she just keeps pissing. And she'll roll over on her back and I'll scratch her.
She likes bellies.

Speaker 1 And she'll just be pissing in the fucking all over the place. Inside the house.
That's why I greet her outside.

Speaker 1 Whenever I come home from a road trip,

Speaker 1 like a show or tour,

Speaker 1 I put my suitcases aside. I open the door and I let her run out and greet me outside because she pisses everywhere.
Wow. And it's got to be weird for someone walking by, like, look at that.

Speaker 1 That's so cute. And it's just me smiling, scratching dog and piss all over the place.
Wow. She usually pisses all over my clothes when I come home.
She does. She's just excited.
She loves you so much.

Speaker 1 It's hilarious how much she freaks out.

Speaker 1 And then she'll lay on her stomach and on her back, waiting for me to keep bellying her but i don't want to keep doing it because i'm pressing on her stomach so then she'll pee more

Speaker 1 that that brings me to this question yes i i lick it off or no what is that

Speaker 1 yeah do you eat it i drink it right on it um no um

Speaker 1 so i'm dating a vegetarian

Speaker 1 oh no what is well what

Speaker 1 so now she's bringing up you know

Speaker 1 yeah you're such an animal lover you know what i mean why can't you you know apply the same thing with dogs and cats to the cows and chickens right

Speaker 1 and i don't stop no well i know and and i and and she makes complete sense to me because you know whenever i'm eating meat you you go in denial you know you think it's just that no that it's a part of a you know me a living thing right so it's like but what did it look like when it was alive right bring up a chicken

Speaker 1 i mean no i'm serious this is the my point yeah

Speaker 1 no i got no problem eating that yeah i got zero problem yeah okay the chicken yeah Chicken. Okay, fine.
Just eat chicken and fish. Right, right, right.
But then what about cows? Cow.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, I could,

Speaker 1 I get the argument for cows. You do? Yeah, cows are cute.
But chicken.

Speaker 1 Look at that cow, dude. Oh, my God.
It's so cute. Imagine how good that thing tastes.
I know. Pig, what about pig?

Speaker 1 We shouldn't be eating pigs at all because they're so fucking bad for you. I mean, so shitty for you.
Right. So pig.
And also,

Speaker 1 you and I are Muslim. We shouldn't be eating.
We are so Muslim. Well, and also they're very smart, right? Aren't pigs really intelligent? Yeah, they are.
I could stop eating pigs and beef. I could.

Speaker 1 But chicken, it's like, fuck that dumb bird. I'm eating that stupid fucking thing.

Speaker 1 But it still have feelings. The chicken? Yeah.
I doubt it. You ever talk to one?

Speaker 1 They have no idea. It has to have feelings.
David. It has to have nerves.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Look at that guy.
Dude. No, that's a chick, not a chicken.
Oh, so you wouldn't eat her. I won't eat the baby.
Cute. I'll eat the adults.
Right. Yeah, I'll fuck up an adult.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 i'm not eating a baby can we do like an age thing

Speaker 1 yeah what's the what like you know like how long do chickens live for

Speaker 1 generally i let's guess before you oh yeah yeah i would say three four years no i would say 12 they last a long time i don't know twelve years

Speaker 1 five to ten okay we're both wrong split the difference yeah yeah so at age eight

Speaker 1 yeah they're edible by eight midlife midlife you know what i mean

Speaker 1 what do you think i'm eating it at midlife yeah yeah yeah. Is it as good, though? No.

Speaker 1 Well, you think at the younger, it's better?

Speaker 1 Gross, fancy. Fucking pervert.
Disgusting. It's gross to even say anything.

Speaker 1 But have you ever thought about that or no? I've gone veg.

Speaker 1 Vegan to me is out of control. I can't, but I've gone veg two times.
I've tried this. I've done it for a month or two stretch.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I didn't like the way I felt. I felt really tired.

Speaker 1 So I probably needed supplemental protein that I wasn't getting.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't eat more fucking beans. I just couldn't do it.
So I've tried it. I think the thing I could get away with is pescatarin.
I could get away with just fish.

Speaker 1 Because fish I love. Yeah.
If I can eat shit from the sea. It's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feeling.

Speaker 1 It's okay to eat fish. What is that song? Because they don't have.
No, that's a song? Yeah, Nirvana. What song is that?

Speaker 1 Something in the way.

Speaker 1 It's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings. Any feeling.
Is that the line? Yeah, it's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings. Yeah.
You know, they probably do.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I think Cobain was being sarcastic. Okay, what about a plant?

Speaker 1 They don't have feelings. How do you know that? Because they're just like, you know what I mean? But they have vibrations.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or like mushrooms. They're connected.
They communicate. Correct.
That's what I'm saying. Some guy.
Oh, my God. Let's just.
Well, we're going to die. What should we eat? Soy.

Speaker 1 Does soy have feelings? Yeah. Soy's a bean.
It's a plant. They're all connected.
Dude,

Speaker 1 let's just drink water.

Speaker 1 Right. Does hydrogen have feelings?

Speaker 1 Yeah. So are you thinking about it? Is that why?

Speaker 1 No, it's just, it's a philosophical

Speaker 1 thought that comes up.

Speaker 1 As time goes on,

Speaker 1 it becomes harder to do. There's a certain level of hypocrisy that we're able to just bank and accept.
And you have to judge your hypocrisy levels. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like your phone, this is made by fucking slave kids. Why are you cool with this? I know, dude.
Why'd you even say that, man? You were bringing it up.

Speaker 1 This is a testament to

Speaker 1 you got to pick what you're okay with. So if you're okay with consuming animals sometimes, that's true.
You got to pick.

Speaker 1 Or there can be just a completely different revelation and revolution in our minds, and then we just stop all of it. Well, go veg then.
I want you to try it. Try it for a week.

Speaker 1 Just go to the earth and just, we just mine our own food, make our own food. You know what I mean? No electricity.
We just go back to the old days. Yeah.
It's just, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's going to stitch your lip when you fall out of a bunk bed? Yeah, let's see. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
I need an antibiotic. You need it.
Yeah, you need to be.

Speaker 1 We need future. I just, yeah.
I know it's hard. What, what? Are you getting pressure to switch? No, I'm not getting pressure, but it's like interesting.
Like, because we went to a

Speaker 1 Hope. Yeah.
And you ever been there? No, but I've seen it a million times. Yeah.
You know who told me about it? Was the Englishman. What's his name?

Speaker 1 Talk show host. Oh, James Corden? Yeah, Corden told me.
You've got to go to Hope. Yeah, you've got to go to Hope.

Speaker 1 When he produced the show i was on and we were talking about my area where i lived and he was like you got to go to help is he vegetarian i think so but so when we go when i go there i'm always going oh this is good yeah it's good food yeah of course it is yeah this is lying to yourself for a girl

Speaker 1 i i this i'm worried well it's not gonna he's not gonna he's not he's gonna keep eating meat yeah you're gonna give up bulgogi

Speaker 1 oh shit why'd you say that son i know i know what gets you horny i love bulgogi dog you're gonna give that up you're gonna give up Korean barbecue? That's like your wettest adventure. Dig? Bruh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right, man. Can't.
I can't do it. No.
Yeah, I'm just going to, I'm just a hypocrite.

Speaker 1 You're allowed to. We're hypocrites.

Speaker 1 No, it's not.

Speaker 1 We lie. We live in a lie.
But it's not hypocritical to eat meat. It's hypocritical to tell other people not to eat meat and then you do it.
Or you don't do that. Right.

Speaker 1 You don't say shit to other people. People make their choices.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 you're a vegetarian. I go, enjoy.
Wonderful. No judgment.
But they don't do it back. Well, they judge us.
They look at us and they go, ugh.

Speaker 1 Vegetarians to meat eaters are the way that San Francisco is to Los Angeles sometimes.

Speaker 1 I get it, but I don't. Where they're like, L.A.
Oh, yeah. And we're all like, I love San Francisco.
And they're like, oh, really.

Speaker 1 And also, I have my car window in place.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's not smashed in. Nobody's pooping in my car right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going up there this weekend. Oh, you're doing Cobbs? Yeah, I'm so excited.
I love San Francisco. Yeah, me too.
I have so much fun. Every time I go to the bottom,

Speaker 1 we never did our show in San Francisco, huh?

Speaker 1 Did we never? No, we bad friends never went to San Francisco. Oh, well, then we should do it.
We should do it. Let's just do one-off.
Let's do one San Francisco one. I'm so down.
Let's do it.

Speaker 1 Because I love it up there. That'd be fun.

Speaker 1 What's this?

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something before we do move? Yeah. I will say this.
Yeah. Had a great time in Scotland.
Oh, yeah. Tell me about your adventures.
It was amazing. I had a wonderful time.

Speaker 1 People are great.

Speaker 1 The food is,

Speaker 1 and I mean this with every ounce of my heart. Great.
The worst food I've ever had in my life. Yeah.
It was unfucking real. You could be a vegetarian there because you can't fucking eat anything.

Speaker 1 Let me guess. A lot of potatoes.
No, dude, it's just, it's okay.

Speaker 1 When you get meat, and somebody told me, I don't know if this is true, but because of mad cow disease maybe swept through there years ago and that was a popularity,

Speaker 1 they cook meat to a

Speaker 1 it's not even fucking it's burnt to a place where you're like, is this a character from a Batman movie?

Speaker 1 What Dane would eat it? What the fuck am I eating? What are you talking about? No, it looks all crushed.

Speaker 1 Oh, right, right, right. It looks like the

Speaker 1 Two Faces face. Did you ever see this?

Speaker 1 You know that new Matt Reeves, Batman? Yeah. With okay.

Speaker 1 This is amazing. So they cut out a Joker scene.
Do you know that? No. Right? Where, what's this, Barry Kogan? Barry Keegan, Kogan, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's fucking amazing. And

Speaker 1 the Joker's face in it looks like the meat from Scotland. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So try to Google what he looks like in the

Speaker 1 deleted scene. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At the end, go toward the end of this scene. Right? While he's leaving.
While he's leaving.

Speaker 1 Right, right there, right there, right there. That's perfect.
Is that what the meat looks like? 100%. That's the meat in Scotland.
That's the meat. That's the meat in Scotland.

Speaker 1 That's the meat in Scotland.

Speaker 1 When you you go home watch that and that looks a little bit more tender than the meat in scotland oh really but i think it was just it was just the food was just unbearable we had fish and chips like seven times and so okay

Speaker 1 but it must be that it must be the best fish and chips you've ever had no of course not i love fish and chips i know but we do it we do there's long john get it anywhere all right and then they had haggis i had haggis for the first time what's it what is it gonna eat haggis what's haggis eatch haggis it's gross it actually tastes good but it's gross it's ground up up

Speaker 1 organs. Go up to the description.
I think it's organ meat, ground up and spiced and flavored. Zoom in there.
It's a savory pudding containing sheep's pluck minced with chopped onion oatmeal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like minced meat. Yuck!

Speaker 1 Encased in the animal's stomach, artificial kid. Yeah.
Haggis. There's no Nobu there? Yeah, I asked.
That was the first thing I said when we landed in Edinburgh. I said, where's Nobu?

Speaker 1 Because when I was in Hungary, Budapest,

Speaker 1 every night I ate the noble.

Speaker 1 I just knew you were going to get a good meal. The meals were just weird.
And

Speaker 1 it just was not what I wanted. You couldn't get

Speaker 1 a good old-fashioned black. Go to France.
Yeah. Next time.
No, that's good.

Speaker 1 Where's the good European cities to get food?

Speaker 1 France? All of them. Italy.
London.

Speaker 1 Spain. London.
Everywhere. Right.

Speaker 1 Maybe not Eastern European, you know? No, I'd love some. Are you kidding me? I'd love some.

Speaker 1 What am I thinking of? I have no idea what you're saying. Well, I went to Czech Republic.
Prague. Prague had great food.
You went to Prague? Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, it's delicious. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why do you think the women over there are so beautiful? The Eastern European women are the prettiest women on the planet. I know.
Aren't they? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 For some reason, they're like the prettiest women on the planet. Yeah, you can tell their daughters when they're American, then they'll be hot.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Because when they come over here, it's like there's something off. Like, whenever there's a hot girl on Hinge and it says Ukraine, it's like, okay, that doesn't count.

Speaker 1 you don't support ukraine no i'm just not gonna support it carl what the fuck are you talking about come on carl right now explain yourself yeah you're saying what you're saying if you have a girl she's super hot and then you see oh she's not american it's a whole thing with her why what is that what is it it's like because she has ptsc from the war no it's like they'll like think you're cool like you need the american

Speaker 1 that that's why you need the american mind

Speaker 1 You need to be validated by the American. That affects the hotness.
Yeah, only like Italy or Spain. But if it's like Bulgaria or something, it's like I'm not fucking with that.

Speaker 1 It could be like a sex trafficking thing, too. You never know.
Could it be? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, if it's just a girl from there that's coming here to...
You're talking.

Speaker 1 Which website?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What do you, yeah? Yeah, you keep showing me this. I want to know.
Oh, like, you don't know.

Speaker 1 What's her name? What's her name? Me. Yeah.
Dugan. Degan.
Degan.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Just tell me. Dan.

Speaker 1 Delaney. Delaney.
Delaney. Delaney, Delaney.
I'll remember that now because there was an old bar on Santa Monica Boulevard called Delaney's. And I think it's closed.
Look at that. That's closed.

Speaker 1 Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 I've been bad all day. I'm so tired.
I'm still on jet lag. I'm so fucked up still.
Where's my pill, dude? Rhino. Yeah, get him his rhino pill.
Do you not want to be on camera handing him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just throw it on the table here. No, you're the.
No, no, keep the change. Yeah, you keep the change.
That's how it goes. You keep the change.
That's how it works. That's how it works, Delaney.

Speaker 1 Delaney. Delaney, that's how it works.
That's how it works. You keep the change.
He spent some money. She kept it? Oh, fired.
She didn't know. Just keep it.
We'll take it and and let's roll.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. Let's pick slate.
Hmm.

Speaker 1 Don't do the absolutely. Thank you for being a bad friend.