Life Of Poon

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. How do I not get a call from any of you saying, hey, we are doing a show.
It's official. Because we're scared.
What do you mean? Oh, the cartoon? Yeah. Because it's 30 years away.
We tell the people in our ecosystem first, and then we go outside of that like the mailman.

And then after those guys, then you hear.

Yeah, then you hear.

You hear about third.

Mailman, third cousins, right?

I've never heard it.

I got a student of mine to text me.

Hey, I saw this in the press.

Congratulations on the show.

Well, let me tell you something.

We didn't know that they were going to put a release out that day.

They were asking us about it. Called Bobby six times.
Wouldn answer the phone i said where were you all day and then he goes stardew valley farming dude unbelievable farming farming yeah there's a picture of the kids right there there's us three how funny is my insert yeah i gotta tell you it actually looks nice you're not in that's your real right yeah that's real but i'm not in, they put you in there. The photo show.
Oh, I see. That's because of what's going on overseas right now.
Yeah. We can't have a photo of you.
I know you're pro-Israel, but... Yeah, don't read the comments.
Don't read the comments. Yeah, don't read the comments about it.
So let me ask... Oh, God damn it.
Go ahead, buddy. The roly-poly farms a lot in the show.
Yeah, that's all he does.

By the way, in this- Wait, did you just call me roly-poly?

You're a roly-poly.

I just read it.

Yeah, in the show, not in real life.

I'm saying-

Oh, in the farm.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But-

I know.

Yeah.

You're right.

Let's hear the question.

Yeah, let's hear it.

Get to it. Sorry.
What was it? What's the question? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, Nick, no, I could talk last night.
Nick Kreese. Kreese.
Kreese. Kreese? Yeah, don't worry about it.
Until we get the show off the ground, it's Kreese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nick Kreese. Yeah.
I've been calling you Kreese for years. For 15 years.
you've never you've never corrected me no no no that i hate when that happens that's your fault you've definitely been corrected you just don't hey billy it's biley i go i've been calling you billy for 15 you know i don't like you call biley smiley billy yeah that's insane all right so um nick and i were talking last night and can i ask you a question yeah when i talk to you on the phone You seem like you want to get off real quick

No, I'm worried about the same thing with you

Yeah, you do want to get off the phone

I'm a moment guy

Everyone knows that

Yeah, you're on the phone for a moment

And then you want to hang up

No, I live in the moment

Yeah, yeah, I'm present

I live in the moment

And listen to everything you're saying

But you're like, alright, come on, hurry up

And I don't like that

That's projection

It is projection

Yeah, you're right

Dude, you're so smart

Thank you. present i live in the moment and listen to everything you're saying but you're like all right come on hurry up and i don't like that that's projection it is projection yeah yeah you're right dude you're so smart i'm just why we got him christ huh yeah i love it so i at there he is oh that's when i did uh at midnight the original at midnight i did too you did yeah how many times did you do it three or four times yeah did you win ever never yeah never won i don't think i won one like family feud on oh with tim simons yeah and arden he's tall huh look how cool i am anyway um look at how short you are you're shorter than arden fucking nearing shut the fuck up dude she's like 4'2 she's so tiny She's so tiny.
That's insane to be tiny. All right, guys.

Look, Tim Simons is 6'6".

Yeah, he's tall.

But still, you're smaller than Arden, who is a tiny, tiny person.

Let's move on.

Let's move on from that.

No problem.

Your problem.

No, this is, you know what your problem is?

What's my problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is.

When the movers unscrewed the TV stand.

Oh, here we go.

They lost the screws.

So now I have a TV on the floor and I sit on the floor. That's when you call Geek Squad, dude.
Oh, you mean the Best Buy guys? No, not calling Geek Squad. No, I just can't get screws right that fit.
That's me with a case of Natty Light. Yeah.
No furniture. Imagine you lived in that apartment.
Oh my God. That was what used to be in my life.

But I got a word to the wise.

Wise to the word.

If you got extra trash, don't call Got Junk.

Call Los Angeles Sanitation Department.

All you have to do is put in a request and they'll pick it up.

Yep.

I just paid Got Trash.

You don't even have to pay for that.

They'll just pick it up.

You just have to let them know you have more shit.

And I was like, that's all I had to do all these years? Pre-cor. He eats it.
Pre-cor. He eats it.
I'm hungry. Oh, I got a question.
I posted on Instagram this morning. This is a real poll.
I haven't thought about this in a long time, but I had a cup of coffee. And I know mid-cup I'm going to poop.
It's about half a cup and I have to poop. What's your number? How much a cup of coffee do you have to poop? If I have buffalo mozzarella.
Buffalo. With a cup of coffee? With a cup of coffee.
No, that's standard. Bro, bro, bro.
It's what you went through last week. It's instantaneous.
Because the poll is in right now so far we've got 41% of people say that before they finish a cup cup of coffee they have to shit 36% say within an hour yeah do you go I I right away but well that's IBS IBS yeah I don't I don't mean to brag I have IBS you have Crohn's disease no I wish what's IBS IBS irritable bowel syndrome he's Jewish you know when you guys are born easy you know how we all get like vaccinations and all that stuff for tetanus? Do they give Jewish kids IBS? IBS. They give it to them in the hospital.
It's a requirement. You can't leave without it.
Can't leave without it. I did my 23andMe and I'm 100% IBS.
I'm serious about the coffee thing. What is it? I can't finish a cup.
I got to go. Sometimes I bring the cup in the bathroom.
Which is still Red Bull. That's what I do.
What is Red Bull, bud? Do you even know what it is? Battery acid. It's bullshit.
It's fucking trash. It's not good.
It's so bad for your body. Oh, fuck, man.
Oh, no. Water sugar glucose.
We're just finding this out? Citric acid. Taurine.
What is taurine? Taurine's the best. Yeah, what is it? From the plant taurinas.

Taurinas a la baganda.

It's an essential amino acid for babies.

That's exactly perfect. Adults can make their own taurine, but there are

high amounts of it in fish.

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

Mmm.

You are a big baby.

Can I ask?

Taurine makes me do that. May I ask my

question now? Because you're going on a shit rant.

Go ahead. I'll get off of it.
Alright, so So I call you last night. So how many dates do you go on before the kiss happens? If you're good, you probably get it on the first date.
All right. So I've been dating this girl.
There's two dates already. Girl.
Go ahead. Bath house, bath house, bath house, bath house.
Bath house, bath house, bath house. You want to get out of here? All right.
All right. So you went on a couple of dates with this girl.
Why do you do that? It It gets the whole room in a vibe I get into it And then I lose my train of thought Bathhouse Bathhouse Bathhouse, Bathhouse, Bathhouse, Bathhouse All right Two dates or three dates? So tonight I'm going on the third date Where to? This is important Because if you're you're not getting the kiss, that's where you take it. I've taken her to nice restaurants.
What are you talking about? Like? Thank you. Oh, fuck.
The first time we went out was, I think, I don't want to say it. You can, because it's over.
I know, but, but, you don't want to seem rich. What is arby's no no it's um we got the meats that's my go-to spot with every date so i don't want the other girls that i've on that's fine and go and they go well that's why he took me you there's no way you think there's no way we think girls don't know that you're taking them out to the same places of course you are we.
We're creatures of habit. You go to six places.
All of us go to six places. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pache. For me, it's Chipotle, California Pizza Kitchen.
No, be real, be real. The Vons and the Valley.
I'm dead serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the same six places. All right.
I don't stray. Okay, the six places, right, that if you're going on a date with what are they i have mine you got your six yeah i think so i'm fucking married we don't go on i know but just hypothetically if you were single where would you go where would i take them yeah probably to um east side shit east side shit's hip shit that's where the that's where he lives pache no pache's not no pache's over by us little doms little doms is great that's good yeah People like bestia.
Yeah. That's where he lives.
Pache. No, Pache's not.
No, Pache's over by us. Little Doms.

Little Doms is great. That's good, yeah.

People like Bastia. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went to Mother Wolf. I like Mother Wolf.

Mother Wolf's fun. And Funk, that's him, same guy.

Fun, fun, fun. That's good, yeah.

I go to Damien. Yeah, Bar Flores.

Damien's great. Damien's, we

talk about Damien all the time. Damien's great.

And then, you know, Bastia across the street

from there. Hippo.

That's right. Hippo's good.
What'd you call me, Bastia across the street from there. Yep.
Hippo. That's right.

Hippo's good.

What'd you call me?

That's his nickname.

No, I was talking

about his mom.

What's that about?

I'm sorry.

You thought we'd

move past that.

What is that?

You're right, you're right.

What were you doing

right there?

I'm being aggressive.

What is that right there

that you think you were doing?

What do you think

you were doing?

I was being aggressive again.

I'm so sorry.

You think that was a good idea?

That wasn't a good idea. I don't think it was a good idea.
You that one's gonna sit with me for a minute will you please let that one go I don't know ask the question so how many do you think tonight's the third date she better kiss you on the third date that's crazy third date you don't even get like a peck friend zonezone after that. Yeah, that's friend.
Oh, wow. The Spanish has spoken.
The way you said it with this accent. Friendzone.
Amigozone. Yeah, amigozone.
That fucking burned me, dude. That hurt.
Yep. Have you been friendzoned? Oh my.
Everybody in their fuck. Everyone in this room.
Everyone's been. No one is immune to the friendzone.
You've been friendzoned? Of course. Oh, thank the Lord.
Of course. Dude, I got friend zoned one time so hard in college.

I went over to this fucking girl's dorm who I like crushed, crushed, crushed on.

Yeah.

Was putting in all the work, trying to do the right thing.

She's like, come on over and hang out.

And I was like, fuck yeah, maybe this is it.

Tonight's the night.

Tonight's the night.

I go to her fucking dorm.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm kicking it.

Taking it easy.

Not trying to be aggressive.

No moves.

Great song.

We're hanging out.

About the Eagles.

Take it easy. Take it easy.
Bathhouse. Bathhouse, bathhouse, bathhouse, bathhouse.
I'm sitting on one of those, what were they called? The big bean bags. Love sack.
Remember those? You know what I call them? What? Your mom. You motherfucker.
I'm sitting on a love sack on her dorm room floor and in walks the guy that she's fucking. Oh.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's like, this is my friend Andrew. This is so and so.
And I was like, hey, buddy. And she literally goes, do you want to hang out and finish? We were watching.
Do you want to finish this? We're going to go grab something to eat i'll just hang out in the dorm by myself that guy now this is what he does for a living yeah that guy oh wait hold on let me guess keep going uh it's not a bad wait wait wait that's not a bad no my man i want to see what maybe i can guess oh you can guess it all right let's see do it again um digging graves no digging graves is that what you guessed uh keep doing it let me see if i can oh keep doing it playing highlight keep doing it keep doing it yeah you're never gonna get i was just trying to get you some exercise you're never gonna get what does he do what i was just trying to get some exercise he pulls rope oh he's a rope puller oh i'm the i'm the caboose you really are and i do it this way yeah it's like this all right? And then what is this? Nailing Jesus to the cross. Yeah.
Dude! Yeah. Yeah.
Yes! Yeah, yeah. The only thing I can do.
Bro, that's so good! That guy did a great job. He hung up there for a while.
Yeah, so third... Third date, you gotta get a kiss.
I think if you don't, then you kinda know it's amigo time. You're amigo.
But can I say this? And by the way, we're not advocating. You don't have to kiss anybody.
But if by the third date, you're not romantically interested in someone, ladies, tell him. But with Kalilah back in the day, it took me eight dates.
Really? Yeah. To open up those floodgates? Yeah.
I'm shocked. It took me like eight.
I hung in there. She didn't like the restaurants.

Yeah.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, Larchmont Wine and Cheese didn't cut it.

So, that's interesting.

That changes things. Eight days?

Yeah, because sometimes when...

Maybe she was fighting off an infection.

Hmm?

It could have been a couple of days. Like Mad Cow

or something? No, like like a uti maybe she had

something she didn't want to let you in eight do you call it you mean eight maybe at the beginning she was fighting off something she was on their period or you never know the possibility yeah it seems like a life no i was in competition so yeah you were competing against other guys with her she was single there was other options so she wanted to see if you were worthwhile I think more time plays well for you, though, Bobby.

Why?

Why, why, why?

Interesting argument. People get to know you.
You can't help but fall in love with Bobby. I guess that's true.
Yeah. But not love at first sight.
You are definitely not love at first sight. Unless it's second sight.
Am I love at second sight? I mean, your love is blind. Love is blind, right? For sure.
Yeah. So, yeah, sometimes I do my personality.
I can get in there, but it's like it just takes so much effort. The reason this is bothering you, he doesn't know, is last week we talked about he went in for a smooch and he got cheeked.
That's the same girl. I know.
So, I got to tell you. You didn told you last time about the cheek yeah you got you talked he got cheeked she got out of the car real quick this is why I think this is not this girl doesn't want to be she wants to be a homie she likes you as a human kind of makes me so sad just text her kiss or nah no no no just send a poll yeah do an Instagram poll will this chick kiss me tonight

she'll see you

this is what I'm gonna do

you wanna hear my

fucking thing

yeah

are you being real

yeah

okay

so um

if it doesn't happen

I kinda don't want it

to happen

okay

you pull a gun out

and kill yourself

right in front of her

yeah

yeah yeah

this is your fault

yeah

and I wanna um

and then I like

moving on

you never talk to her again

because I'll tell you

something that happened

I wanna tell you

something that happened

Thank you. this is your fault.
Yeah. And I want to, and then I like moving on.
You never talk to her again. Because I'll tell you something that happened.
I want to tell you something that happened to me. Okay.
I wasn't ever going to talk about this. But right when Kalilah and I broke up back in the day, right, I went on a date with the girl.
Same thing. Two or three dates.
Nothing, right? And then she was at the comedy store. Recently.
Yeah. I hadn't seen her since then.
And we hooked up that night. At the comedy store? I hadn't seen her in over a year and a half.
Ooh, that's hot. My point is that sometimes we plant the seed, we plant the seed, and it will grow.
Those bonsai trees grow real slow, but they do grow at some point. It's a long game.
It's a 100-year game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're playing the 100-year game. When Mr.
Miyagi was cutting the bonsai tree in the original Karate Kid. Yeah, best movie.
Yeah, it's a great movie. So good.
What's the point, guy? Oh, see, you missed it. When I was watching it in the theater, I'm like, that's what you do? No, you missed it completely, man.
Like the Bene Gesserit. It's patience.
It's meditation. But he doesn't even sell it on eBay.
He just kind of has them. Well, he had a Pinterest for a while.
I think Mr. Miyagi.
He did? Yeah. Yeah, look at him.
No pussy. That was his OnlyFans back then.
That's what OnlyFans was, trimming bonsai trees. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at Ralph Macchio. He's like, you fucking loser trees yeah yeah look at Ralph Macchio he's like

you fucking loser

dude by the way

Ralph Macchio

same age today

that he was then

you see a photo of this guy

I've met him

what baby blood is he drinking

that he looks accurate

he is also

look at how handsome that guy

the nicest guy

you will ever fucking meet

not surprised

great actor

he's a good dude

great guy

give me the age of this gentleman now

he's 62

shut the fuck up

that guy's 62 years old

mmhmm

Thank you. I'm not surprised.
Great actor. He's a good dude.
Great guy. Give me the age of this gentleman now.
He's 62? Shut the fuck up. That guy's 62 years old? Mm-hmm.
That guy's 62. How did I fucking know that, dude? That was good.
That was good, right? Wow. One of the nicest guys in the world, dude.
I love that guy. So fucking handsome.
How did you know that? What? How did you know he was 62? He ain't doing some late night Googling. I think because the night I met him,

I was hosting this thing called the Asian Excellence Awards.

Sorry.

Welcome back to the Asian Excellence Awards. Why would they use a word like excellence with Asians? The Excellence Awards.
Of all words to use. Yeah.
Then. The Asian Excellence Awards.
Hosted by JCPenney. Oh, shit, dude.
Rinse Award. Yeah.
I like it. All right.
Times have changed. Times have changed.
All right. So you're hosting.
Back in the day. Yeah.
So you're hosting. Believe it or not.
I believe it. Trust me.
I see it. The Asian excellence.
Tarantino did it. Is he Asian? No, but he likes Asian shit.
Because I think Kill Bill and stuff. So he was on the show.
That's where I have a photo on Instagram where I met, and we have a photo together. That's when I met him.
Danny DeVito. And then Ralph Macchio was there too.
None of these guys are fucking Asian. Ralph Macchio did an Asian.
He did Karate Kid. Danny DeVito.
Why the fuck was he there? Because he's short like you guys? Short like an Asian. If you don't look his look at that little Korean guy running away yeah yeah so um and I Ralph was there and I remember I mean not that the other people there were rude it's just he was more um available he was just not he's a moment guy like yeah he's a moment.
Yeah, he was just like talking to me and I was just like and my fucking my brother when he was drinking was there. That's when he was still using.
What? That's when he was using. Well, my brother was so so Danny DeVito, Tarantino and Ralph Macchio they were sitting backstage on these couches and my brother was on the outskirts drinking.
No, no. Completely drunk and he kept Ralph Macchio.
I swear to God, I'm going, karate kid, dude. And then backing up.
He's not wrong, though. Yeah, and I would go, I remember going, Steve! Stop! Right? He's like, dude, karate kid, dude.
You know what I mean? Like fucking, like a stony, drunk. I love your brother.
Yeah. He didn't know anybody.
By the way, those three guys, fuck, marry, kill. Yeah.
Danny DeVito Ralph Macchio and fuck marry kill Asian and Tarantino yeah fuck marry kill alright so who would I Tarantino Danny DeVito and Ralph Macchio marry Ralph Macchio sure yeah I mean probably kill Danny DeVito you'd have to kill Tarantino because the name of the sake of his films kill Bill kill Quentin that's true but then you'd have to fuck Danny DeVito how fun to toss that guy around that's easy that's the easy part he's a spinner oh yeah yeah maybe okay you fucking connect him he's the same size as me we could 69 it would be like just like two blueberries rolling around in the yin and yang because usually when I 69 I have to yeah I have to reach a jumping 69 but you know you guys because you're both like little rotund bellies it's like two magnets to the same side you just can't fucking they just can't connect they just can't touch I had a girl once say that like I like that you have a belly because it rubs against my clit and I can come quicker really? your belly goes down that far? yeah I guess it does that that. My God.
Yeah, anyway. That's a tip for guys out there.
Yeah, it's a tip for guys. Anyway, so Ralph Macchio, great guy.
Ralph Macchio is the guy that we would marry. Yeah.
Can I ask you another question? Yeah. Is this something I came in with? The floor is yours.
Okay. Oh, sorry.
My bad. You're the captain, you know? You better believe it.
Toot toot. I'm Spock, though.
Ahoy. Yeah, yeah.
You're you're kirk i'm spock by the way put me on a boat and i get so gay put me on a fucking boat and i get gay check off you're a check off okay that's fine anyway um yeah i'm good with that yeah so um let me ask you something so what i want to say is um i was thinking about last night you know i lay in bed and okay i gotta and can I show you what my room looks like now this is your new interior designed room yeah yeah this is just one part of it wow that looks beautiful it's beautiful I hope so for the money yeah I love being in there anyway I was laying in bed in my beautiful new room listening to some tunes what do you listen to I was listening to Sarah Mul McLachlan's Ice Cream. Really? That's cool.
Salt and ice cream. I like that.
Okay. Your love is better than ice cream.
Is that her song? I don't think that's Sarah McLachlan. It is.
Fucking is better than ice cream. Ice cream is better than fucking.
Fucking ice cream. Salt and straw, you're right.
Yeah, dude. Salt and straw, you're right.
McConnell's? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go get me some of that Santa Barbara jab.
3-1 flavors though? I mean, Baskin-Robbins? I'd take head over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Oberweiss? Oberweiss's, that's a Midwest thing.
Oberweiss dairy is so fucking good. My God.
Those cows, they look like something happened. I mean, when you see those farm cows, dude, they're like 900 fucking pounds and you're like holy shit this poor thing they've just inflated it dude so it's just piss and milk i saw a fucking tiktok the other day about a woman who what do they put in there the cows hormones they juice these motherfuckers up so your mom got it done sit down so let me ask you something so um there's Bobby there we are there's Bobby amongst some other comics that's a green room that was so good dude thank you I love you um I'm telling you if you don't get a fucking kiss from or not a kiss I'm I don't want this sounds aggressive.
If this girl doesn't make it obvious tonight that it's not happening.

Shame.

Nick told me to ask.

You got to be straight up.

So at the end of the thing, if I feel like I'm going to just talk to you for a second.

I just see if friends on you.

Would you agree?

I'm fine with it.

But yeah, something like that.

Don't don't don't give her the ammunition.

Just go.

Don't say this field. Just go.
Hey, I just just wanted clarity. Do you want to be more than friends? That's too direct.
No, because if you give her the bait to go, this feels friendzony, then she's going to go, I guess maybe it is. You're telling her how you feel.
You might be right there. Ask her.
Ask what she wants. Do you want to just be friends? Which is fine.
Oh, that's great. Okay.
I just need to know if you know if you just want to be i'll do it in my own wording because we're going to go to a different restaurant right do it in your own do it in your own words dude that's so true yeah do it do it in do it in your words i'll do it that'll be your own words got to get the Spaniard on it. Anyway.
Oh, you shot at me fucking three times with my mom. So what? Don't get mad that I shoot back.
I'm not doing anything. All right.
Anyways, good. I'm accepting.
Also, as fucking your best boy, I want you to win. You know I want you to win.
Yeah, I didn't do that. But this kid's the real Casanova over there.
He really is. Our entire life.
You know, here's my jealousy. My entire friendship.
You're closer to him than you are to me. No.
It's a longer friendship. I've known him for so long.
It's a longer friendship. He's my oldest friend in Los Angeles.
We're all about to be best friends forever. Forever.
Forever. BFF.
Okay. So can I ask, now I was listening to Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan.
Yeah. Can we go back to that? Yeah, yeah.
Ice Cream's better than sex, yeah. And I remember there are people in my life that were in it for a brief period, and then they just disappeared, and I just never saw them again.
Because they're dead? No. I don't know if they are or not.
Hopefully. But they were so influential, you know what I mean, in my voyage or my journey to here.
What's taken you away from reaching out to them? I don't know how to even get a hold of anybody.

I just wanted, so I don't even know last names really.

So how influential could they have been?

You don't even know they're fucking last names.

Pretty influential.

So may I?

Give us an example.

I'm going to give you two examples if I may.

Please may.

Okay.

The first example is I remember I met a guy.

His name was Randy.

He was Jewish.

Okay.

I'm out.

And he looked like Stanley Tucciucci oh like i'm back in yeah at the time somehow at the time he was a little older than me maybe by 10 15 years and i think that he had a weird like he looked like that and he had a job maybe it was a lawyer or going to law school how did you meet him i met him at improv class. I'm out again.
Yeah, I'm out. I was out.
I was in. I'm out.
So I remember back in the day, I met him in improv class. And he remembered we were together.
And he goes, hey, man, I was wondering. I think I was going to do stand up.
I'm going to do stand up. And I go, OK.
And he goes, you should. And, you know, we've talked about it before.
We should do it together. I'm too scared.
Right? So, remember, we went to a place called Thomas Payne Coffee Shop. And this is where there was an open mic.
And he said, come and support me because I'm going to go up for the first time. And so, I went there.
And then he, the host went up and he goes, all right, this next comic is Bobby Lee. He put my name in the thing.
Fucking Randy.

Right, Randy.

And I remember just going up.

And I mean, I wouldn't say that was my first time doing stand-up because I didn't really say anything.

You were just fucking around.

I just went up there and was like, I didn't really sign up.

You know, Randy did this and I just got off.

But it got me on stage.

God bless Randy. Thank you, Randy.
And then I started doing it a lot. So we know who to blame.
Right. And then I never saw him again.
Yeah. How old was this man? And he was a lawyer? He must have been like 10 or 15 years older than me at the time.
Did you say he was an attorney? Yeah, maybe. And this was like just for fun? Yeah, I was like 23.
So he must have been 23, maybe. So Randy, if you're out there listening, you might be in your 60s by now.
Yeah, yeah. It's just somebody that I just want to say thank you to.
That's really nice. Yeah, that's very pretty.
And there's another guy. I'm glad you kept in touch with that guy.
You know, it's just people just disappear. And also, can I just say my...
Well, no, you just kept going. But just also, there was no such thing as cell phones then.

Right.

Oh, you could extend a carrier pigeon to them or something.

I know, I know.

But my point is it's easier now.

Way easier.

Back then, there was no cell phone.

You're right.

There's people that I remember from the beginning that I don't know,

that we used to hang out with back in the day.

I have no fucking idea where they are.

We have no clue. So the second guy was when I became a comic at the La Jolla Comedy Store, I moved in with the manager and the assistant manager of the comedy store, who both passed.
Jesus. It was a Frank.
It was Ron. Fuck.
First name's okay. And then Fred Burns.
And there was another guy living there who was super. Like, those two were, like, mean they they gave me everything this manager and the assistant manager but the comic that lived there frank manzano was a mexican guy you know just a weird performer he was so kind to me and very like supportive you know i mean i just you know i haven't seen him i don't know where he is you know i mean anyway i mean those are do you have anybody in your life like that or no? That disappeared? Yeah, lots.
I've had lots of people that have quit or moved or, you know. I've spoken about friends on this show that guys that I started with who I thought were fucking so good and they quit for- Jonathan Gottsick.
I remember him. Wait, I know who that is.
You said his name. Yeah, yeah.
And then also there's another one, Dave Pierre. A very funny guy.
Great name. He was so funny.
And I don't know what happened. I think he's like teaching.
Well, I know there's a lot of guys that I kind of used to do bar shows with. And I know I've kind of run into them in the aftermath or like had a friend of a friend.
But a lot of them are out. A lot of them fucking grew up.
They got pregnant, had kids, got jobs, and they were like, I can't play this fucking bullshit game. Or they move out.
They move out of L.A. Well, a lot of guys left L.A.
They quit the dream. Yeah.
Yeah, it's a brutal business. I get it.
I don't even know if it's a dream. They just quit this fucking rat race.
They quit this bullshit game. Yeah, what is it about us that we hung in and suffered? We're sick.
Immature, trauma, addiction. Really? Yeah.
I about my we're sick it's not resilience i mean i guess you there is that is a word that we could use but it's like i just a normal person wouldn't suffer that long but then people with a little bit of an intellect understand that suffering usually can yield something good if you really want it. So lack of talent in anything else.
He's right. No, no, wait.
You fucking. You fucking son of a bitch.
You fucking dirty little bitch. It's so funny.
It's fun. And I'm grateful to meet people like you.
It's fun, it's grateful, and I I'm in complete gratitude I had a daydream today this morning in the shower can I share this and you may think I'm stupid there used to be downtown Los Angeles I believe in the old brewery building right maybe the old Pabst building I can't brewery I know it's tough for you guys. Yeah.
That's like library for black guys. There's something about...
We'll be right back. That's so good.
Well, it's not a library. But what do they say? Library.
Every black friend I have says library. But listen, the Pabst brewery, the old building downtown, used to be an artist living quarters, I think, if I'm not mistaken.
Right? and then what they did was they had the rent was subsidized so that artists could live there for a for a nominal fee right yeah the brewery arts complex has been called the largest live and work artist colony in the world 16 acre compound right okay so dude hold on let me look bro bro what bro after you say this yeah i going to tell you I've been there. To the brewery? To the artist complex? Yes.
You hooked up with someone there? No. Okay, hold on.
We'll get to it. Yeah, yeah.
What I was going to do... I was driving on the freeway and I saw the old brewery smokestack.
And it made me think, I wish... I wish you, me, a couple of other named comedians could buy a building or buy a warehouse space and subsidize the rent for young up and coming comedians to live.

So we do a nonprofit where we wouldn't make a dime, but we would just make it would make enough money so it could sustain to have security upkeep and everything.

We would make no money.

House rules. You'd need some house.
I would be the house rules guy you would not live there no i know but i would have to have like on the wall things you cannot do no no it would be run properly like a fucking just house rules i don't care what you're saying well what are the house rules yeah what are they um no fucking other comics that's what i'm building this whole thing for is for them to all fuck each other that's the whole point this is like the ulterior mode this is like oh this is like the olympic village oh this is his hitler youth yeah 100 i want to indoctrinate these people all right move on i know what you're saying no fucking other right i just would want a safe space for everyone that's all go ahead of course that's okay all i'm saying i'm done all i saying is, do you think this is a crazy idea? It's a great idea, dude. I really want to do it.
I want to buy a building. We're never going to do it.
Why not? It's so expensive. Yeah, not with that.
It's not just you and I. It's a bunch of other comics.
Imagine if we got like Burr, Sebastian, Dylan, guys who have a couple of bucks in their pocket who could buy a building and subsidize it for young comedians. That'd be great.
How many people? No, number one. Because resources to start a non-profit i know how to do all this stuff we can do it let's fucking do it then you'll do it i will do it i swear to god i want to do it but this is a big one for me house rule no no even more it's even bigger what okay i think you'd have to showcase to get in there oh you can't be shit you can't be shit to get a room Interesting that's interesting We can't have crap So we have a little stage and you have to showcase for the current residents To see if you get a room Now do you have to keep showcasing as you live there? No they showcase for us So just you and I sitting in a chair? No we'll get a bunch of comics We do it once a year It's like getting passed to live there.
But then every year, you have to re-audition. Because we got to know that you're writing and working and you're not slipping.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell me about the brewery.
Now that we know that that's a thing I'm proposing to- What are you calling this thing when you open it? Funny Bone? Okay. Don't know.
Name it after another comedy club. I need to workshop it more.
We got it. I think it should be called...
I think Haven, you know what I mean? We'll call it the Comedy Mothership. I like that.
We'll call it... The Compound.
Comedy Compound? Comedy Compound. How about...
Chuckle Chambers? Chuckle Chambers. Chuckle Chambers.
That's great. You want to go live with Chuckle Chambers? Chuckle Chambers?

Chuckle Chambers.

Chuckle Chambers.

That's great.

You want to go live in Chuckle Chambers?

Chuckle Chambers.

How many people can live there?

I think it's got to have like 10 apartments.

10.

10 at a time.

We can't afford that big of a building.

With you and me and a bunch of other comics,

we can try our best.

Well, then the future has to live there.

I know.

You said they have to showcase.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no... I'm telling you, in the shower this morning, I thought this is a great idea.
It's a way we don't earn a dime on this. We'll probably lose a little bit of money, but it'd be great.
Oh, so you can't? I know what's going to happen. Other open micers are going to go, can I stay there overnight on the couch or whatever? No.
No crashing. No, it's time out.
We crashed. We crashed.
It's a part of the culture. How long can you crash? One week.
Only one week crash.

And you're not allowed to crash for a week, then go to another apartment.

You get one week of crash in the comedy, in the, what did I call it?

A year or how long?

What was it called?

The chuckle.

Chuckle compound?

No.

Chuckle compound.

Chuckle what?

He's just trying to tighten it up.

And what did I call it?

The chuckle.

I don't even know. Chuckle.
Seconds ago. Okay, no.
You get one week of crashing because crashing is a part of our culture. Okay.
We crashed. I crashed.
You crashed. A lot.
There's a whole show about it. All right.
You get one week of crashing inside the building. There's gotta be a guy that lives there who's the manager, the guy that...
Guam. Dude.
Guam is gonna get security. He'll fuck out.
he'll beat the shit out of people if they don't obey force the rules he will he lives there for free imagine if that everyone does all right huh yeah everyone lives for free no you have to pay it's subsidized you're paying a certain amount of money to keep because to keep the thing going yeah cost at level so like listen instead of paying what is an apartment now like thousands of dollars 500 ridiculous hundred ridiculous minimum yeah you pay like eight hundred bucks six hundred bucks eight hundred bucks but that just goes for your internet your water and power and general living so we can free wi-fi uh free wi-fi free wi-fi if you have 15 minutes if you have under 15 you got to pay but i'd love to get behind it a comedy comp comp five guys five girls five guys five trans, one gay. Smart.
See, now we're getting into equity, diversity, and inclusion. And that's good.
Can't avoid it. Well, then nobody needs to be the same.
You're right. We can't do that.
We need a black guy and an Asian. You know what I mean? We can't do that.
I'd rather have two black guys than one Asian, for sure. It's just for trading.
Oh, really? Well, for trading. You don't want things to efficiently fucking- Whoa, I'm talking about comedy-wise.
There's almost none of you that are good. There's so many black comics that are good.
How many funny Asians are there? Six? Jason Chenney, Leslie Lau, Andrea Jin. I mean, I got the list goes on.
That's six. You just named the six.
That's it. There's so many, dude.
How many funny black comics are there? A thousand. They've been doing it longer.
That has nothing to do with it. They have? Yeah, what are you talking about? Dude, look, okay, you know who Flip Wilson is? Of course we know who Flip Wilson is.
But my point being is that comedy has been, in terms of the black community, a part of it since we started in the new modern version of stand-up in the 50s and 60s. Yeah, because they're funnier than Asians.
No, it wasn't, dude, because we're immigrants. Are you trying to say that Asians are funnier than black comics? What I'm saying is that- Whoa, that's a tough claim.
I didn't fucking say that. You just said Bobby Lee, you heard it here, said Asians are funnier than blacks.
I didn't say that. That's what he said.
I didn't say that. What I'm just saying is that, you know what I mean? Since we've like, since Margaret, I think.
Chris Rock, Wanda Sykes, Dave Chappelle, Cedric, Kevin Hart, Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac, Eddie Murphy, Monique, Red Fox, Martin Lawrence, Chris Tucker, Tiffany Haddish, Catwood, Dela Hula, Jane Fox, Tracy Morgan.

Don't look up Asian comics.

I'm afraid that I'm not going to be on the list.

You've got to be on that list.

I've never been on the list.

Yeah, right.

Asian comics.

Here we go.

Tough. They're six.
Oh my God, they there's six I'm not even on it oh that says China in China Jimmy O. Yang is the first Jimmy O.
Yang that's China I looked up Asian comedians I don't know what else to look up Asian American comedians there's six there's five there's five you gotta put a plural put the S on the. Asian American comedians.
There's six. There's five.
There's five. You got to put a plural.
Put the S on the end. By the way, they threw in Cal Penn too to make you guys feel.
Koreans over 50 comedians. Oh, fuck.
The point is, hey, Google's proving my point. Leave it alone.
Google's proving my point. An endless list of great black comics.
Endlessly. I think you're Asian excellent.
That's so funny. You are Asian excellent.
You're excellent. Just saying.
Let's move on from it. Let's move on from it.
Truly though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell me the story about the brewery. How did you end up there? In the 90s, there was a fucking cattle call for a sitcom.
Do you remember what it was called? No. called no cattle call but i remember going there and waiting in line for about seven hours just chilling outside it was like one line gross right sounds like last time and i remember going in there and being thrown like on a chair saying one thing i forgot what it was and there i go go and i remember walking out of that building going oh I'm never gonna make it you thought that was how it always was I thought that's how it all worked yeah like this just fucking one in a million you know what I mean waiting in line for that long it's like the Laugh Factory line the open mic line yeah yeah it's around the corner people will wait there from 10 a.m.
I think it's open at noon or whatever at noon until until the show. Oh, yeah.
And they might not get on. Most don't.
Yeah, they're just getting their name into the fucking bucket. I mean, how fucking crazy is that? That's awesome.
Did you ever do that? Of course I did. What do you mean? I waited in every line.
I waited at the factory. I never waited at the Laugh Factory.
I waited at the store. You did.
The improv didn't have a line. They didn't have that thing.
They didn't have that thing. I waited at the factory multiple times.
Yeah, and when you're waiting in kind of a line that long, and you don't even get on, you're like, oh, this is almost impossible. Me and my buddy Kenner Shaw drove to fucking San Francisco for last comic standing to sleep outside of Cobbs on the street.
To audition? God, do you know how far this is now? I sold out six shows like three months in advance at Cobbs, and that's how far I've come. Thank you.
That means a lot. a lot in my heart i slept on that street outside of cobs on fucking for and i'm not kidding we drove to san francisco i slept outside on the concrete in a fucking sleeping bag only to almost not get to audition go inside tell a half a joke and they were like no thank you oof oof had to get right back in our car and drive down back from san francisco i remember.
I remember that. I slept outside of the improv for last comic standing too.
I slept outside of Fred Siegel on Melrose. No.
Yeah. I slept on Melrose.
Oh my God. And I remember there was a young girl, there was a comic out there.
You know who she is, I think. Tracy McDonald.
Do you know who that is? I know her. Yeah.
Tracy was in line with us and Tracy, I'll never forget. There was a moment where Tracy says, Canadian comic.
Yeah. Tracy said, what if, this was so creepy.
It had to have been three or four in the morning. She was in the camp next to me.
What a nice girl. Yeah, she's great.
Yeah. Tracy said, hey, what if one day, this is a four in the morning thought.
What if one day we're not funny anymore? Oof. And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, what if we just stop being funny or thinking of funny stuff? I was like, that's impossible.
What do you mean? Like it's in your soul. You like humor.
She's like, no, no, no. Because sometimes I feel like I might lose it and it'll never come back.
And I was like, shut up. I went to lay down and my brain was like, what if? What if we can never write a funny joke ever again? What if I never think of funny again what if i never say anything what if i don't know what funny is anymore it spun me out for like six hours yeah so thank you tracy mcdonald that that actually helped no but she was she but she was right though she had this moment of clarity of like man what are we doing we're sleeping on fucking melrose yeah is this worth it do we want to do this it was it was worth it it was fun i tried here's i think the difference right is is that i i honestly i i think that um a lot of people can make it you know i mean i i you know i don't care what where you come from you know you don't even have to be like naturally funny i just think that people can make it but uh we we can hit the ball when necessary when the time when the time is right i just remember different moments in my life it's like i remember thinking to myself i have to hit this ball yeah you don't have a choice i don't because so and so is in the audience and i have to fucking hit a home run here and you do and yeah i was so i'm gonna tell you i can't say his name but i remember there was a there was a tv show that was that did stand up And I had already done it a couple times so the third year they were like can you do it again and I go you know what I'll do it if you put my friend on it you gotta tell me the TV show like a Craig Kilbourne or something no I can't I can't tell you because I don't want my friend my friend will cry if I say the story okay I need to he's already.
We'll blank it out. It was called funny.

K Loco.

Oh, K Loco.

Yeah.

It was called K Loco.

Yeah, I remember K Loco.

You know, on Telemundo or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

But they go, well, who's your friend?

I don't care.

You know what I mean?

You're not going to watch him.

He's going to do it.

You're like, you're giving me a spot

and he has to get a spot.

One of my best friends gets a spot.

That's really nice.

Right?

And he used to do well on stage,

regular at the store. Okay.
So I remember we're at the taping now this is so fucking crazy and i'm standing i'm sitting next to joey diaz hey gotcha right and so my friend's going up right and so uh and he's super nervous which is understandable sure it's tv right so i'm in the green room watching the monitor i'm like oh yeah there's finally right they bring him up and he comes up and he and he goes nothing comes out no yeah and then he does this this is where i was like uh-oh he looks on the ground he goes and he starts mumbling no yeah yeah no buddy he literally starts mumbling doing something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, buddy. He literally starts mumbling to himself.
Oh, fuck. This is TV.
There's cameras on, right? And then I remember he's like maybe a minute or two in. He starts getting the nerve to tell a joke.
But at this point, he lost the room. It's gone.
It's gone. They were ready to.
And he starts really bombing. Oh.
Right? And I remember, I had already gone up. Oh, you already did great.
Yeah, I killed. You're good.
Right. I killed, right? I left him there.
You piece of shit. Okay, not only did I leave him there, I was so embarrassed.
Would you get in the car and just go home? Yeah, I go, fuck this guy. No, you asshole.
I got in the car. So, here's the two things.
No wonder why people from your past have just pissed people from your past have just yeah i was gonna say that's one of these guys you never spoke to when you go to bat for somebody he had a he had an off day right his first tv but i'm gonna give him a compliment but this is okay so i leave so then joey diaz drove him home but here's the sad. Joey Diaz on like 500,000 milligrams.
Like, I'll drive you a car. Flip this fucking car.
So you do five. You know, they take five or six shows in one night.
Right. So at the end of each show, the booker gives you money, a check.
He waited at the end. He never got a check.
So not only did I do well, he didn't get. He edited on the show obviously oh my god driving home right well give him the money that's a trivial crowd right right but here's here's though here's how he wins i i when we got i i you know i still was friends with them bitcoin he bought a bunch of bitcoin 92 a year later i was watching comedy central just randomly and he had done premium blend well that was huge right huge and he destroyed oh so he's fine he destroyed is he still working today yeah he destroyed but i just remember like him you know some people can't hit the ball the first time is my point but he got redemption which is good he did he.
He always had it. He had the looks.
He had the skill. It's just, you know, and you know, the very first TV spot you do as a stand-up is petrifying.
That's the scariest thing in the world. It's probably one of the scariest things in the world.
I remember when I did Leno, I'd never been more scared. but I just remember walking out and looking at the thing and going you have to kill you have to kill you have to kill because Jay's right there mm-hmm yeah you got a little Chinese guy that's me on Leno that your first time yeah wow I remember how nervous I was to do Conan it was probably I was there so nervous I've ever been man you? I was Chase Just because I loved Conan so much And it was a big deal for me when they You know what's so funny is I submitted a year before And the booker who obviously not there is gone now Who's become a friend was like I don't like the spot I don't like the set And I was like fuck and then called and was like i saw you do a spot do that five i was like oh really i can't do that five fuck do that don't the other one don't submit do this just take out the two cuss parts that have swear yeah that was it but then when i got there we were i was fucking so nervous it's a good set it's just hard it's such a hard it's

such a hard thing i'll never forget that people just get we were dying laughing on the way to that people get so fucking judgy about it but you're like it's you feel it's the stress of that is so weird because it's live like i can see it kind of in your eyes i know you yeah there's something in your eyes i was nervous yeah yeah so nervous you're fine you can see all the stuff but There's a focus in your eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

I can tell.

And my fuck it.

That sweater was nervous. Yeah, yeah.
So nervous. You're fine.
You can see all the stuff, but there's a focus in your eyes. Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
I can tell. And my fucking, that sweater was awful.
It's like, what a terrible fucking choice. You know, by the way, when I, I remember buying that sweater, scrounging the money together to buy that sweater.
And it was out of my price range. It was probably like $125 sweater.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I remember it was like $100 sweater and I was like, this is insane that i'm buying this fucking sweater and i thought when i put it on you look great and less than a month later i was like you look fucking ridiculous yeah that is a stupid fucking it's so no matter what you wear on tv what was i wearing on my tonight's you look like a fucking idiot you always look dumb on these tapings yeah you think they look good that actually looks kind of nice black black is safe black and green pants it's classic how old are you there bobby i was 52 2002 oh 2002 22 years ago today april 26 2002 wow just passed 22 years ago whoa he was 30 you were 30 years old yeah what people don't realize you were 30 right that's a 30 year old man it looks like a 16 year old boy yeah that's a good thing that looks like a high school move over ralph macho yeah well there's a new 62 year old i mean it's good you age like a mushroom but back then what people don't realize too is they're so word for word like they they come out yeah so many times to see you and they give you so many notes oh my god right so everything is like you have to say it did you have cue cards yeah so they offer they offer you if you may slip up they may have cue cards and i said no i don't want them because that will fuck me up worse i'll look at a word and be like and he got it i know exactly what i would do i would see a word and go fucking that's would kill me.
That would fucking ruin. I was like, please, no cue cards.
Same thing with specials. Comedy Central half hour, most people used bullet points.
I was like, please, God, don't do that. You haven't memorized.
But some people get nervous, like your boy who just gets paused out. Oh my God.
I just even, Luke, thinking about that? His face. This is great.
That was fun. fun that half hour was fun i told the story about this story i cried the moment i got off stage i asked my my cried i asked i asked my moment you were there no i just no i asked my well he's in it though i talk about him in the special my childhood best friend sean costello was there and he was backstage and he was in the green room with a few people.
And I walked into the green room after I got off stage and I said, hey, man, can you give me two seconds? And he was like, yeah. And everyone's like, yeah.
I was so excited. Can you give me like two minutes? And he was like, yeah.
I was like, I'm just overwhelmed. And the moment he left the green room, I was like, I was fucking bawling.
Just because it was all this energy and nerves and anxiety and it was comedy central it was a half hour it was like so important and i was like i ate shit it was bad i was bawling it was good oh i thought i tanked i just i was spinning oh i thought you were like i'm spinning i killed it no oh fine no i was spinning i was so sad i chugged a bottle of fucking whiskey. I just sat in a chair just bawling.

I'm like, they're never going to air it.

They won't even air it.

That's what I kept saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but it was good.

It turned out great.

I liked it a lot.

I just, because the pressure was so.

But it's also not, it's not club laughs.

No, it's different out there.

It's a different set of laughs.

So you think you're bombing.

Oh, yeah.

Because you're not at the Ice House main room.

Correct.

And also people don't know. These are tap i had zero um fame acknowledgement whatever this was like me normand soda we were all like kind of the same within the year of each other's tapings nobody knew who the fuck we were these are paid audience members yeah yeah yeah these people have sat through six other comedians yeah you're the fucking list of the night of three hours of stand-up.
Dude. They're tired.
Dude, imagine. They don't want to look at your dumb ass.
Imagine being a road comic, Andrew. Yeah.
And you have no name. You're just doing the road.
So you're one of those acts, right, that people go, hey, honey, what do you want to do tonight? Well, let's just go to the club. See who's there.
We were those guys. I was the guy.
I know, but how much easier is it now? That we have fans? No, it's not that. God bless the fucking fans.
It's just that it takes that component out of it of like. I'm going to kill myself in this month.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
If I'm going to bash my head to the Pepsi machine outside my window going. That some guy gets a soda at four in the fucking morning.
Yeah. Yeah.
I of my bedroom window the hum of a vending machine oh and then a guy just 2 30 in the fucking morning hey you hear that in the fucking hotel dude motels the amount of motels i've stayed in okay like the scene in big when he's clutching there's bullets outside raining through New York. Yeah, yeah.
So I had to do a call. You know, I did the- I got bed bugs one time, by the way, from a motel.
Go ahead. I'll tell you the story.
I did those college, you know, those college gigs. You know what I mean? And so back in the day when you're a nobody, right? They go, well, you know, you're going to go to Muncie.
Oh, God. But then you have a day off here and then you have to take a bus.
Like you're Greyhound catch a greyhound to this place right three bucks but in between we know this old family in this town who like they like to bring in comics you can stay at their house at their house right it's a nightmare 80 year old white people right and like lights out at lights out at tensor right there's no internet then it's get out then. It's get out.
This was the original get out.

Cold as fuck.

Oh, dude.

And I have like a blanket, like one of those wooly, like they smells like mothballs.

Yeah.

Right?

And the pillow is like made out of hay.

It's a hay pillow.

It's a hay pillow, dude.

Right?

And the slab.

The matrix is that thing that when William Wallace dies in the end of Braveheart, that concrete. a slab They chopped his nuts off The bed that Lincoln died in was more comfortable So I remember just laying there cold It's 10.30 I'm not going to be able to sleep Belly full of their leftovers And at 6 in the.
Come on down for breakfast. It's a nightmare.
That's when you start spinning the chamber of the gun. Yeah.
And I did that for years. Hated it.
So God bless the fans. Thank you so much.
My God. Thank you so much.
More than anything. But then also, it's like, don't go.
Don't go. Why does that guy get this? Right.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, because I've been to hell and bad. Yeah.
Dog. And again.
And again. And again.
And again. And again.
And you know what you still have to deal with? Little rats like this guy. Little fucking rat brats.
You know, you think- Rats. You think you can get away from rats.
Well, you let them in. But the rats are always there.
They find a way. Sometimes the rats are the friends you make along with.
They find a way. I just want a little reprieve from hostility.

All right, let's chat about some poon. Let go up.
This is a history lesson. Look at this.
In 1942, Chinese. Okay, here's why I'm pitching this to you.
I read this article and you want to do a movie and you want to star in a film. You and I are going to make a movie together that Nikki and I wrote.
Yep. But I said, Bobby needs his own solo project, his own vehicle.
In 1942or poon lim what a name was aboard the ss uh ben lamond when it was torpedoed by a german u-172 causing the vessel to sink lim found himself they should just say poon poon found himself alone on a life raft without any means of propulsion drifting aimlessly at sea he sustained him he sustained himself by fishing drinking bird blood and even managed to kill a shark using only a jug of water.

Bro, that's fucking.

Look at the last line.

Miraculously, Poon survived for 133 days at sea before being rescued.

Look at Poon's little boat that he made.

Dude, look at that boat.

Wow, life of Poon.

The life of Poon.

Dude, what an intricate boat.

Now, what does this say about Poon in general? Asians are survivors, what does this say about Poon in general?

Asians are survivors.

What does this say about Poon in general?

Poon is the best.

Yeah, that's what it means.

You're not getting better than Poon, are you?

Poon is what drives this world. Dude.

Poon.

Poon.

Poon.

Yeah.

Top shit.

I get what you're saying.

I love Poon.

Poon's the top.

Is there anything better than Poon?

Poon for Prez.

Poon for Prez.

This guy's the fucking man. He killed a shark with a jug of water how did he do that i want you to play this movie and nicky's gonna write poon the story of poon i'll order the ozempic and you know what the movie's called oh wait stop stop what did you just say stop what did he just say i might walk off did he say i'll order the ozempic if we want him to play jimmy christmas heaven'sy's.
That's great. That is funny shit.
It's not a fat poon, it's a tight poon. Whoa, this is a tight poon.
This is a tight poon. He's not on fire.
Hey, tight poon. Hey, you got a tight poon? And the movie is called Let's Get Some Poon.
That's so good. Let's Get Poon.
Let's Get Poon. Drowning in Poon.
Well, what is it? You know, like get shorty, get poon. Drowning in poon is so good.
Drowning with poon. No, because he doesn't drown.
He survives. I like something.
Yeah, it's not good, McCone. Let's get poon.
I won't do an Asian accent. Please.
You have to. You have to.
He's Chinese. It's 1942.
What do you think? I'm going to write it in an Asian accent. I can't.
Give me a line then. You know that on final draft you can actually write with an accent.
Yeah. Open on.
I'll tell you. Open on.
Interior. Exit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the parallel universe.
Give me some lines. Well, he's talking to nobody but himself.
This has to be like a Tom Hanks castaway. It's all you it's an internal dialogue i smell oscar for this is great on the boat you talk like um a chinese guy but out out sea you sound like bobby lee that's great because you've been putting it on the whole time for these fucking people on the boat how about this i'm just going to america but then out there you're like how do i get fucking get fucking water? Oh, thank God.
I'm finally alone. My internal thoughts

are in my voice.

Yeah.

Goddamn motherfucker.

Yeah, what are you doing?

Right, but out there,

I'm like, oh my God,

I'm so hungry.

That's what I just said.

Oh, okay.

But I just pissed you.

All right, so.

133 days.

I'm a killer of the shark.

How do you kill the shark

with the jug?

Well, so I'm in the boat,

okay?

Yeah.

Well, let's fuck it.

I'll just do the accent.

Yeah.

Let's do the accent. We'll do it live.
I'm in the boat, okay? Yeah. Well, let's fuck it.
I'll just do the accent. Yeah.

Let's do the accent.

We'll do it live.

I'm so hungry.

And I have no water, even though the water is all around me.

But it's salt.

We'll pay for money.

Smart poon.

Right?

This is good poon.

Right?

But I have a joke.

What do I do with this?

Jam it in my butthole?

No.

For special pleasure?

No. Poon?

No.

There's an opening here, right?

I'm not going to be able to do that. good poon right but i have a joke what do i do with this jamming in my butthole no pleasure no there's an opening here no poon poon no no no or i could kill a shark okay how the fuck this guy kill a shark with a jug of a jug oh it's easy what you do is this oh you nick yourself this is what i would do nick Bleed into the water, right? And as soon as that head comes out, bunk.
With a jug of water. Yeah.
You're going to kill a shark. How the fuck did he do it then? I don't know.
Poon is magical. We know that.
Yeah. How big of a shark was it? Maybe it's a little like baby type.
How do you get bird blood? I guarantee you birds who are flying over the ocean oftentimes settle on boats in motion.

They would probably settle on this little raft and he would cover them up and grab them and break them and eat them.

Yeah, but is that a good substitute for water, bird blood?

I mean, it sounds like Poon did it.

Yeah.

He sustained himself by drinking bird blood.

You would think maybe.

What?

Bloody Poon.

Bloody Poon.

That's the name of the film.

But this is what's strange. There are 133 days without water water i thought you can only go a certain amount of days without water three but he must be getting enough water from the bird blood yeah the bird blood i think is the is the key or he had just a little bit of a jug of water and took a sip every like fucking day can you drink blood instead of water or something can you drink blood like we know the answer to that well yeah we're in hollywood yeah i'm not talking about baby blood blood and necessity for human life is ironically poisonous ironically no it seems right on the money why does it say ironically do bird blood oh what does that say so medical experts warn you get very sick from drinking it every day invite a number of infections bird is bird one reason blood is dangerous yeah bird blood though bird blood i want to know about bird blood.
Yeah, if you're starving, you're dehydrated. Holy shit.
What does it say? People have drunk turtle blood in order to survive the blood of a snake. There's risk of pathogen.
Animal blood is not going to prolong your life. Extremely high in iron.
It'll poison you at some point. Well, Poon lasted 133 days.
Wow. Amazing.
But how did he know that? No, I think this was just him guessing. He was trial and error.
Oh, right, right. 100%.
Poon Lim, there he is. Zoom in, does it say anything else? He holds the Guinness Book of World Records for longest time adrift at sea alone.
That's incredible. He used a water jug as a club to subdue the thrashing shark.
No, he hit it hard. He was a 25 year old seaman from the south coast of, Poon and Seaman.
Yeah. Perfect.
South coast of when he hopped on a british merchant ship cape town south africa they left in german u-boat sunk that motherfucker wow you know how crazy this is the only guy that lived and he died in brooklyn go down zoom in poon passed away yeah we did lose step foot in brooklyn we all lost we lost poon at some point yeah poon passed away in brooklyn in 91 72. Wow.
Wow. That's a young, that's pretty young for a guy that fucking lived out at sea for 133 years.
I bet you he partied like an animal when he got home. Was that him? Yeah, there's Poon right there.
That's perfect. That's you.
He kind of looks like me. That's what I'm saying.
That's amazing. That's Poon, my dog.
That's you. You're Poon.
Yeah. By the way, the fact that he could fashion a boat.
Hold on, hold on. Yeah, that's you.
Wow. Poon Lim.
Poon Lim. Poon Lim, dude.
Wow. Poon lives.
So will you let us write this story? Yeah, I'd love to do it. Because I think you could play, I mean, like, think of how much comedy you could put in this and contained comedy.
Can there be another boat? We have to insert something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because even castaway packages were getting dropped. Margot Robbie's on the other boat.
No. I'm just pitching stuff.
Yeah, we could. Let's just think about it.
Let me think about who. She's German.
Whoopi Goldberg. She was thrown out.
Whoopi Goldberg is in the other boat. Whoopi Goldberg is German.
Can we compromise? No. It's got to be Whoopi.
It's Whoopi or Nob. Not on this.
Well, there's Poon Limits. Did Poon compromise? Yeah, look at him.
Yeah, Poon does not compromise. Yeah.
But how can I... Okay.
Who saved him? A boat finally came along, I'm sure. You know, after a boat is attacked, he was nearing land as the color of the sea was no longer...
It depends on who, though. It's like, if it's Germany...
On April 5th... They're like, fuck...
April 5th, three Brazilian fishermen found him nine miles off the coast of... I love Brazilians.
They're so nice. They're're so nice Brazilians oh he loses weight during the it could be like a transformation thing like at the beginning you won't let it go like you do now and then by the end it could like help like visually show the audience your transformation from a directorial standpoint it does make sense he lost 20 pounds it's not that much he's gonna need to lose a little bit that's what tom hanks did right he waited a year or something he shot one part for castaway you're talking about philadelphia different movie yeah same themes same yeah same age just don't mix no they don't yeah they don't we don't want to insert that in this movie yeah enough of your jokes man killing it i'm literally tired of them that's the last one you're a little sly I don't like it So it took him two weeks In a Brazilian hospital So maybe we rescue you Halfway through the film Maybe the nurses Have bubble butts While they're in Brazil Okay good Yeah I love that Okay good By the way Texting maybe Maybe the movie is this At a ceremony At the Siemens Church Institute Of New York and New Jersey, his citation said that Poon Lim displayed exceptional courage and fortitude.

What if they nursed him back to health with tang?

Yes.

Yes.

With tang, yeah.

That's the only way to get Poon back in it

with a bunch of tangs.

How long were you thinking about that joke?

Was it two minutes?

I wrote it before I came here.

I sent him this article already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That was really good.

I said, step up, dude.

That's really good.

And honestly, no one had ever survived that long at sea, not even close, and no one will

ever break the record, obviously.

But think about that.

Oh, the writer stated in Lim's Ordeal was used in the novel My Star's Destination.

Yeah, but that's still, we still could have.

Intellectual property.

Three Mexican sailors floated for 10 months from 05 to 06, the Pacific Ocean on a disabled fishing boat. Mexicans are the most resilient people on Earth.
You know what happened with Spanish people? You guys would have sunk. You would have fucked each other and sunk.
You would have conquistador to each other. Yeah, you would have conquistador to each other.
We just gave them some mirrors and they gave us the country. Oh my God, this guy's un-fucking-loved.
So arrogant. I hate it.
A fisherman from El Salvador was apparently lost for 439 days floating from Mexico to the Marshall Islands on a raft. That's the craziest shit when they just get on a raft and hope it goes the right way.
That's crazy. Yeah.
Like, can you imagine? I can't. Jose Salvador Alvarena, a fisherman who found, right.
This is the guy that went to the Marshall Islands. He survived on a diet of raw fish, turtle, small bird, sharks, and rainwater.
This makes sense. Yeah, that I get.
Or people of the constellation, like back in the natives, back in the, would, you know, look at the sky to see where they are. I mean, we still do that kind of today.
We do? I don't. I don't think you do, no.
We use star mapping. We still do star mapping.
Yeah, but you don't personally personally how do you think i get around oh really i think i use google fucking maps i don't trust that shit and you look up or you're looking up the whole time the cops like were you on your phone i was like look at us staring up the whole fucking time that's why they they have moonroofs. Oh, I see.

Left on La Brea.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you.

So good. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.