Andrew's Airplane Emergency

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 I was so

Speaker 1 worried about you.

Speaker 1 Thank you, baby.

Speaker 1 We thought you were gonna die. I definitely thought I was gonna die.
I can do the quickest version of the story. No, we want the slow version.
Slow burn.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, welcome back, Fancy Bee, from españa

Speaker 1 yay

Speaker 1 second of all my agents call me they go you're not doing it and i go what what the zombie movie oh his movie and i go i have to do it like you cannot do it

Speaker 1 i've never i've never i've never seen my agents call me and just and just beg me not to do a movie did they read the script Yeah, they let the script. They saw the no money.
Right.

Speaker 1 Spain. Right.

Speaker 1 Years. A lot of things layered.
Yeah, there's not really a lot of incentive to do it. I read it on on the plane, and that's why I had a medical emergency because I was reading.

Speaker 1 I'm doing it anyway. I know.
I love you. So I get a text message.

Speaker 1 I get a text message from Jesse, our old friend Jetsuke, right?

Speaker 1 It says, oh my God, I can share the photo. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm on a plane and Andrew Santino just overdosed. Okay.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 But okay, not just that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I get a call from TMZ.

Speaker 1 They called my agents, yeah. Right.
And TMZ is like,

Speaker 1 is he alive?

Speaker 1 You didn't answer the phone. Did you answer the phone? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why are you answering the phone? I go, who's alive?

Speaker 1 Yeah, who's alive? Your boy.

Speaker 1 We heard drugs.

Speaker 1 I go. It's crazy.
No, what?

Speaker 1 No. Right.
It was diarrhea.

Speaker 1 It was diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was diarrhea.
Well, you fainted in the plane, though. Kills people every year.
Which kills a lot of people. 55,000 people in first world countries, by the way.
200,000 globally.

Speaker 1 What does diarrhea kill you? What do you dehydration?

Speaker 1 No, dude. When I have diarrhea, I drink water while I'm doing diarrhea.

Speaker 1 You can replenish right then. 1.5 million people died from diarrhea

Speaker 1 in 2019. That's so many.
So here's what really happened. I didn't overdose.
And also. We apologized already to the fans of Abu Dhabi.
I was advising. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 We couldn't go. So So,

Speaker 1 so I was sick in Nashville, right? Saturday, I didn't feel that good. Saturday, late show, okay?

Speaker 1 No booze, no nothing, nothing. Just eat a meal, not feeling right.
Go to bed. Sunday morning, I wake up.
I got back up. Yeah.
What's the feeling? How do I start? What's the beginning of it?

Speaker 1 No, no, what I'm saying is that I'm not feeling right. I want to be specific because I want to know if I have those symptoms what to do.
Okay. So.
Well, I'll tell you what not to do.

Speaker 1 Don't get on a flight. All right.
Juicy farts. No, it's not farts farts yet.
Okay. So what started as nausea up high, high in my throat, and then fogginess.
Oh, my.

Speaker 1 So on the second show on Saturday night, I felt like the set was good, but you know, when you're there, but you're like, I'm on autopilot. I was on autopilot.

Speaker 1 I was just kind of doing the jokes, but I was like, I feel so weird.

Speaker 1 I go back to the hotel that night. I sit in bed, can't go to sleep, super nauseous.
I go to the bathroom, take a shower, come out, real nauseous, achy, strange. Go to sleep.

Speaker 1 Sunday morning, I wake up to go golfing with Court McCown.

Speaker 1 The whole morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. The whole time, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel woozy and out of it. I'm eating and drinking.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm having like healthy stuff, nothing crazy.

Speaker 1 Then Sunday night, I get back to the hotel. I call Lucy at Nashville, Zane's, and I said, something's wrong.
I don't even know if I could do the shows. Like, I feel awful.
Why do you do a Sunday show?

Speaker 1 I did two Sunday shows. For the fans, baby.
Okay. So

Speaker 1 she says, I'll get you an IV. She calls Nate Bargatzi's sister, who is an angel, who came through with her friend who does mobile IVs.
Are they hot? In between shows, none of your business.

Speaker 1 Don't say that. That's our friend's sister.
Oh, no, just not, not Nate's, but it's Nate's sister. Not the other one.
The girl who administers the IV? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, just move on. Okay, okay.
This is fine.

Speaker 1 So then I get the IV in between the shows.

Speaker 1 It's not working. Like, I get a boost of energy for the second show.
Can I tell tell you something? But I feel dog shit. I'm sweating.
I'm vibrating. Can I interject something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know it's your story, but I want to interject. Gone.
Yeah. It's not funny.
What I'm about to say is not going to be funny. No, mine has not been funny.
I love it, though. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's very interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I knew something was wrong because you called me on stage. I did.
And usually when he calls me on stage, it's what's up.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a show. This time, he's on stage.
There's a crowd behind him. He's like, hey.

Speaker 1 And so in my mind, I'm like, oh, he's not doing a show. I was calling me off.
I was so out of it. He was out.
I was, there was something wrong. But I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 There was a weird omen in the air. A guy.
Oh, shit, Damien was there? Damien was there. Oh,

Speaker 1 dangling.

Speaker 1 Dangling his penis fingers all over the crowd.

Speaker 1 That's not Damien. That's Casper.
That's Casper. Oh, that's Casper.

Speaker 1 Up in the balcony of Zane's in the middle of my show. No, a guy passes out.
Medical emergency. Medical emergency.
How weird is that? Second show, first show. Second show.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Medical emergency, they're yelling. And our good buddy, great, great musician, Noah Khan, came with his.
Never heard of him. Really? One of the biggest musicians right now.

Speaker 1 You don't know who Noah Khan is? He's fucking massive. Is it Shaka Khan's brother? Yes.

Speaker 1 It's Shaka's younger brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's the man. Oh, I love Noah Khan.
He's the fucking man. Anyway, in the middle of the show, a medical emergency.
We stop the show.

Speaker 1 I think somebody's dying or having a stroke or a heart attack or something bad. We get through that.
I feel like I might have a stroke or a heart attack. So it's already this weird omen energy.

Speaker 1 I go back to the hotel that night feeling not good all night long. Poop, poop, poop, poop.

Speaker 1 Puke, poop, puke, puke, poop. Not good.

Speaker 1 Let me ask a question. In that order.
Poop, poop, poop, poop. Okay.
Puke, let me go. Puke, poop.
Poop, poop, poop, poop.

Speaker 1 Puke, poop, poop, poop. Puke, poop, poop.
Yes. Okay, okay.
Exactly. Can I ask another question? Please.
What is the

Speaker 1 ratio in terms of puke diarrhea? It's two to one, poop to puke. Two to one.
Diarrhea always wins. It always wins.
It always wins. They're like the Manchester City of whatever that is.

Speaker 1 They always win. Yeah, my puke was arsenal on this one.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. So anyway, I go to bed, sweating.

Speaker 1 Sweat through the sheets. You're body fighting it off.
Oh, buddy. Big time.
I wake up the next morning and I said, get room service, get on the plane, and go home. But just go home.

Speaker 1 I get room service. I eat a bite of a waffle.

Speaker 1 Right back out.

Speaker 1 One bite of a waffle. A berry smoothie.
I figured I can't eat solid, so I'm just going to chug a smoothie. I chugged a smoothie.

Speaker 1 Everywhere. Oh, so your poo was per.

Speaker 1 It went right through. Like on Power Wash.

Speaker 1 Wow. It was unreal.
I get to the airport. I'm woozy-goozy.
People are passing me like, bad friends. And I'm just like,

Speaker 1 I'm out of it. Wow.
I sit down. This is an insane story.
I sit down on the plane. I know this one.
And I look to my left. There's a bag on my seat.

Speaker 1 It's like a, from somebody bought stuff from one of the shops. And I go, whose bag is this, man? Is this anybody's bag? Like, I'm tired.
Yeah. You know,

Speaker 1 it's right behind me. It's MGK and Megan Fox.
That's right.

Speaker 1 I don't even see him. I didn't even see him.
I swear to God. I'm so out of it.
I literally didn't see the guy. And he goes, yo, you're the comedian?

Speaker 1 Santino, yeah, right away. And I go, What's up? He goes, Yo, you're the shit.
So now I'm sick. I'm like sick.
Touched him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I gave him a dappy. Right now, MBK.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Megan Fox.

Speaker 1 Is everything okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So MGK is behind me. So now I have to turn.

Speaker 1 You know, when you're like talking to someone behind you, you got to like do the, so I'm sitting on the side because I want to be cool cool and talk to him, but I can't tell him, like, hey, dude, I'm so fucking, I feel so sick right now.

Speaker 1 So, we're just sharing comedy. He's a huge comedy fan, loves you, which is annoying as fuck,

Speaker 1 is a fan of the show, like all, like, name, all of our friends. We were talking about Tim Robinson's show.
I think you should leave. We were just cracking up, sharing stories.
It was great.

Speaker 1 Then finally, I turn back around, the flight starts.

Speaker 1 And in the middle of the flight, I put on my headphones, right? The thanks, shout out to Phoenix. Stand up live, gave me the Apple Over-the-ear Beats as a gift.

Speaker 1 Anyway. Selling out all the shows.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, look, can I stop for a second? Did they give you a gift? Let me ask you something. Did they give you a gift? I sold every show, too.
Yeah, did you get anything?

Speaker 1 Did you get a gift? They gave you what? Apple Beats Over-the-ear headphones. All right.
Okay, after your story, I'm calling the owner of the club. Yeah, do it.
And I have a fucking issue.

Speaker 1 How much are they? 500 bucks? Yeah, he was a nice gift. They gave you Apple Beats.
Yeah. Stand-up live.
The one I sold out too? Yeah, same one. Okay.
Note that. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I'm out. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 It's good to be back. Yeah, it's good to be back.
So then I put on my headphones and I lay down to go to sleep. I miss

Speaker 1 the flight attendant coming by to see if I wanted to eat or drink. I'm out.
I'm cold. I'm out cold, right? Then my body does this.

Speaker 1 One of those.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to fucking throw up.
I fucking, dude, I get up so fast, my seatbelt,

Speaker 1 still on, right back in the seat. Nobody saw it.
Thank God. Was it like when Rumor I sat next to you? I had diarrhea? Same thing.
Same thing. Same feeling.
They're done that. This guy.
Yeah. I get up.

Speaker 1 I rip the seatbelt off. She can kind of tell something's up.
She wish she looked at me because I. Megan Fox? No.

Speaker 1 Megan Fox is paying no attention to my loser ass. Just what question? They're behind me.
Is she hot? Huh?

Speaker 1 Is she hot? Pretty. Is Megan Fox hot? Let's move on.
Yeah, fucking, what the fuck are we talking about? Already, already. Stunning.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. She could have been covered in shit, in my shit.
And I still don't be like, she's gorgeous.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I fucking run to the bathroom.
I bust in the door and I'm real dizzy because my blood pressure must be super low because I'm sick and I haven't eaten anything.

Speaker 1 So I close the toilet seat and I sit down on it because I'm going to throw up in the sink to the right of me or to the left of me, you know? Because I can't even stand up. I'm so weak.

Speaker 1 And then I get really woozy.

Speaker 1 And then, ooh,

Speaker 1 you know, you hear the fucking TV noise. You passed out.
I fainted. I passed out hard.
And I woke up. I was on the floor of the bathroom at that point, which my nightmare.

Speaker 1 My nightmare. Yeah.
Pee, all, you know, I wake up, sitting on the floor of the bathroom to the flight attendant, going, sir, sir, sir. And it's kind of like muffled.
I can't really hear it.

Speaker 1 How did they open it? And I hear, no, no, the door was, oh, I'm sorry. I'm skipping a step.
When I sat down on the seat, I opened the door and I said, can I get a cold towel?

Speaker 1 And she goes, sir, we're not supposed to get up right now because the seatbelt sign was on. Yeah.
And I said, can I get a cold towel around my neck? And then the door was open at that point.

Speaker 1 I didn't close it. Thank God.
And then you you passed out. And then I must have fainted.
Slump.

Speaker 1 Slump. No, dude, I was fully clothed.
I was going to throw up. I was about to throw up.

Speaker 1 So then I pulled him down after I woke up

Speaker 1 when they were giving me medical attention.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I wake up. I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom and I hear her like shaking me, sir, sir, sir.
And then I hear another one going, Do we have a doctor? Do we have a doctor on the plane?

Speaker 1 And I'm kind of coming to, but I can't really come to because I'm like, I feel myself like mumbling. Embarrassing.
Yeah. So embarrassing.
And I look down to my right and I have throw up everywhere.

Speaker 1 I've thrown up

Speaker 1 all over myself. Like the amount of throw up is hilarious.

Speaker 1 It's like a fucking, it's like a Nickelodeon show. It's like, ah,

Speaker 1 they turn on a faucet and she's trying to help me. And then this guy shows up who's a doctor.
Who's a psychiatrist? But he was a doctor. And he's a psychiatrist.
But he was a doctor.

Speaker 1 But he was a psychiatrist. He was a doctor.
But he was trying to help me out. And she was talking to me.
And they were making me chug apple juice. and they were trying to recount what happened.

Speaker 1 And then he was like, Did you take drugs or did somebody drug you? And I was like, No, no, no, no, no. I'm sick.
Something's wrong. I have like a bug.
He gives me Narcan, Narcan,

Speaker 1 for people that are fucking having like an OD. Opioided.
Opioided OD. Shoves it up my nose.
And he's like, breathe. And I was like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with Narcan.

Speaker 1 And then it gets up my fucking schnooze. He just had Narcan

Speaker 1 on him. They gave him the first aid kit.
It has Narcan in his Ivy bag. He was just had him in his pocket.
No. I got eight of them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could spare one.

Speaker 1 So they goose me with fucking Narcan. He stabs me to give me an IV, but the bag's not working because my positioning's weird.

Speaker 1 Imagine if you had the stuff. Remember when Batman, the Batman? Yeah.
At the end, when he was fighting the Riddler and his army, right? And he pulls out that green thing. Anyway.

Speaker 1 So he Narcan's me, hits me with an IV. The IV brick, my vein fucking severs.
So the thing is, my arm's all bruised, blood squirting every blood is all over the place. I'm sitting in piss.

Speaker 1 I'm sitting in piss and puke. Not my piss, just airplane, toilet, bathroom, piss.
Oh, it could be good piss.

Speaker 1 I doubt it. You don't know whose piss it is, don't you? I doubt it.
Okay. Yeah.
If it was Megan Fox's, yeah, if it was Megan Fox. If it was Megan Fox's piss, it would have been fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I would have taken some home.

Speaker 1 Can I get a cup, a to-go cup?

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting in piss and puke all over me, and then MGK comes walking up. Oh, here we go.
This is how cool of a guy this guy is. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm sitting there.

Speaker 1 I'm slunched in a fucking, in the airport bathroom. Oh, my God.
In the airplane bathroom. And he goes, yo, Andrew, are you okay? Do you want some apple juice or orange juice?

Speaker 1 And he's got like both, like he bought it from the store. And I go, I'm literally like, my neck is craned against the, and I go, oh, thanks, MG guys.
Very nice of you, man.

Speaker 1 It's so good. I'm craned against the sink.
I'm tucked against the sink. It's so good.
And he goes, okay, bro. And then he walks away.
And the flight attendant's like, do you want your phone?

Speaker 1 Do you want to call somebody? Because I'm kind of like, they're giving me oxygen because my blood level, my oxygen level is super low because I passed out. Wow.
They take my vitals.

Speaker 1 And she goes, does he know your family?

Speaker 1 And I go, we just met. She goes, you guys seem like close friends.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 he's just being very nice.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 you know, MGK.

Speaker 1 No, so then he comes back like five minutes later. They've got me hooked up to an oxygen tank to level my, to get my levels right.

Speaker 1 And he's got this sweater in his hand this is his sweater this is mgk sweater he's got it balled up in his hand and he sees that i'm soiled and he and he goes yo do you want my sweater because i'd taken my sweater off because they were like take your sweater off we need to like get you know we need to get be able to take your blood pressure so i take i take my sweater off you can tell i'm in like a shitty old bed you know like a nightshirt or something and he goes uh do you want my sweater and i said no dude i'm gonna get it's got i have puke and fucking and he goes i don't give a fuck

Speaker 1 and he throws it to me and he goes keep that shit dude i don't give a fuck he's like he's like get warm and i almost started crying i was like mgk

Speaker 1 like like he threw it to a kid at a children's hospital thanks mgk so he gave me his sweater like a fucking prince he hasn't even washed that why would i wash this i didn't get anything on it smells

Speaker 1 bad

Speaker 1 anyway

Speaker 1 no i watched we washed it when i got home no no you didn't yeah i did well i i didn't so this was worse than the earthquake concussion in the bathroom. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm telling you right now, that was a good one. Pretty close.
That was a zigzag.

Speaker 1 So then that was very, very, very provocative. So I'll finish it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I get up on him. They're like, can you sit in your seat? At this point, I'm fine.
Yeah, I can sit in my seat. I'm woozy.
I'm texting my fucking wife. I'm like, you need to pick me up.

Speaker 1 I cancel my car because I was like, I can't ride in a car because I'm still fucked up. I get back in my seat.
I turn to MGK and I just go, sorry, man. Thank you.
You're a real one.

Speaker 1 He goes, I'm just glad that you're good. And I was like, thanks.
And then I just couldn't look at any, I just didn't want to look at anybody. I was so embarrassed, you know?

Speaker 1 And I get off the plane or I, we, and then they say, everyone has to stop so the EMTs can come get me. I said, for my own embarrassment, can I just get off the plane? I can walk.

Speaker 1 I'll meet them in the jet bridge.

Speaker 1 If you can walk, yeah. I grab my shit.
I... Sprint up the jet bridge.

Speaker 1 I throw this hoodie over my head and I sit in the corner as far as I can, let the fucking paramedics paramedics do my vitals and take care because they have to check you out when you land.

Speaker 1 They're doing the vitals. I'm texting.
I'm getting bing, bing, bing, bing, bing text. Are you dead? Did you OD? You're dead?

Speaker 1 Are you dead?

Speaker 1 Yeah, people were hitting. Someone texted from the flight, Jesse and Carlos, and said, Santino OD'd on my plane.
They were saying I fucking overdosed on the flight.

Speaker 1 Oh, they don't have the information. Then TMZ is calling my agents.
You,

Speaker 1 I pick up. Why?

Speaker 1 I love them. No,

Speaker 1 They're my friends. They want to know what's going on.
Of course, I get. My wife picks me up.
We make it. At 5.30 p.m.
We're sitting in rush hour traffic. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 And I'm shaking in the front seat because I can't hold it in.

Speaker 1 We get to my fucking front lawn. My hand to God, I held out.
The moment I open the car door,

Speaker 1 my neighbor just like, hey, Andrew, clipping his fucking head.

Speaker 1 I projectile my dog in the window.

Speaker 1 i'm holding my asshole oh

Speaker 1 and for the next four days i know i lost nine pounds yeah i was on the toilet

Speaker 1 bram out of my butt i've never had this kind of it was water every time i sat

Speaker 1 water i had to go to the doctor twice i know because i was like dude something's wrong bro and then my doctor was like

Speaker 1 where'd you come from Where are you going? I was at Nashville, Abu Dhabi. He goes, no, no.

Speaker 1 He's like, you should. Nashville already, you did it already.
Yeah, he was like, he's like, he said no to that. No, he said, no, you've been there.

Speaker 1 He goes, go back in time and change it.

Speaker 1 No, he was like, no more. He's like, you can't travel, dude.
He's like, you cannot be.

Speaker 1 He's like, you need to take a break. Your body.
He's like, even if I give you shit, he's like, you shouldn't be traveling. So it took me four days.

Speaker 1 I called everyone a million times to say I'm sorry. Took me four days of losing nine pounds.
You know, we were so worried.

Speaker 1 But now I'm a cutesy pootsy. Now I'm a little pin-up girl.
Yeah. Now I'm a little little skinny pin-up girl.
And I finally feel better. You know, you look like Philadelphia, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you look, you look when I suggest you.
And that's the last time I'll party with Magic Johnson. You know what, Magic?

Speaker 1 That's enough. Wow.
It was a crazy story. Incredible.
So shout out to MGK for the sweater. That was very crazy.
So we want to apologize to Abu Dhabi. Sorry about that, guys.

Speaker 1 Who to who? Guys, sorry about that, guys. Abu Dhabi.
Abu Dhabi. And I know you guys are mad.
But there's nothing we can do. There's no way we're going to put our boy in jail.

Speaker 1 I was not allowed to fucking fly. I mean, what? What's going on? Did we get something? Yeah.
So we got something. Let's see what we got here.
Give it to me. Yeah, this is straight from UAE.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Is this real? Yeah.
Yeah. This is bad, Bobby.
We're wanted.

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Speaker 1 Data Alive.

Speaker 1 I can read it. Who made that? Wanted by the United Arab Emirates.
I know you didn't. Let me read it.
Whoa, you have to read this.

Speaker 1 Wow,

Speaker 1 this is serious, huh? This is fucking serious. Wanted by United Arab Emirates, Bubby, and Andrew Santino.
No call, no show. No call, no show.
Being stupid. Stupid American disrespectful behavior.

Speaker 1 Show your anus to anyone with eyes

Speaker 1 to anyone with eyes. Cancellation, Norfolk, Virginia peers in 2023.

Speaker 1 Don't turn off less successful podcasts to focus all your energy on the ones people are actually watching sexual harassment in the workplace. No giving cuddles to the FBI.
No giving fancy bee to ICE.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
Anyway, thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you to the fine people of Delta Airlines for being a bad friend and taking care of me. I really appreciate it.
Thank you. Shout out Dr.
Warren down in Orange County.

Speaker 1 Thanks. Thanks for your help, Dr.
Warren. Thank you.
And Delta. Thank you.
Shout out Delta.

Speaker 1 It killed it. Unlike that girl who got mad this past week at Delta.
Did you see that thing?

Speaker 1 But did you... She's like, screw you, Delta.
I missed my best friend's wedding. Did you? It's like, you missed the flight.
Did you know how you got it? Did I know how I got

Speaker 1 this bug? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so through food or through.
So I went to the urgent care. Yeah.
And I went to my doctor doctor. I went to both because I was that scared.

Speaker 1 Because, dude, on day three, I lost six pounds in one day. Wow.
And I went to urgent care because I was concerned. I couldn't think right.
I was like, you know, and he was like, is there blood?

Speaker 1 Are you incoherent or have you passed out again? I said, no, no, no. He goes, good.
You don't need to go to the emergency room. Okay.

Speaker 1 But he goes, we'd have to take a stool sample to find out what it really is.

Speaker 1 But he's like, there's been a lot of these things going around where people are catching these bugs, these flu-like symptomatic bugs, and it rushes through your system. And then it.
But

Speaker 1 do you get it by just eating or do you get it by talking to people? I'm like, how do you get it here? He doesn't know.

Speaker 1 But I took the I just don't want it. But I took the flu test, the COVID test.
I took all those tests.

Speaker 1 Nothing. Nothing.

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 1 Wow. Couldn't explain it.
But he was like, this is not the first time I've seen this. He's like, I've seen people.
This is not. This is.

Speaker 1 I've seen people get these stomach things in the last couple of months. I don't even know what it is.
He's like, could be something that's new in Nashville that hasn't made it back here yet.

Speaker 1 He's like, I have no idea. Wow.
Yeah. It's crazy.
But no, I don't think it's that contagious because

Speaker 1 no one I was hanging out with, you know? Yeah. Zach,

Speaker 1 Zach Townsend, who opened the shows, fine. Court McDown, fine.
Court did it too? Yeah. Love those guys.
Fine. They're fine.
Yeah. So.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll tell you something that I realized. Hmm.

Speaker 1 I went to Tony

Speaker 1 Hinchcliffe's show at the forum. Oh, yeah.
How was that? Yeah, packed.

Speaker 1 It was incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thousands, like 10,000, 15,000 people. That's why he canceled on us.
He did. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, people on the internet go after him.
But,

Speaker 1 oh, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Joel Apachev.

Speaker 1 Hey. Hey, Joel.
I'm here with Andrew Santino. You're on Bad Friends.

Speaker 1 What's going on? Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
I just want to ask you a question. Is that cool? Sure.
And if you don't want this on the internet, that's fine. We can cut it out.
But

Speaker 1 so, Andrew played your club at Stand Up Live. We love the club, by the way.
It's one of the best comedy clubs in America. That's right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And Andrew's, Andrew, and do we both, I mean, did I do, did I make you happy with the shows? Or? Oh, no, you were incredible. Yeah.
Both of you were great. We all sold out, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's interesting that Andrew got

Speaker 1 your air. What is that? Apple.
AirPods, Matt. AirPods headphones.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. What did you get?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you got me shoes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, badass shoes. You fucking spoiled brat.
Hang up the phone. Joel, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Joel, I'm so sorry. I forgot.
I forgot. Fuck you.
I'm so sorry. I love you, Joel.
Apologize. Apologize.

Speaker 1 We'll play next year. Andrew.
Andrew. Yeah.
They were golden good.

Speaker 1 Oh, my. Oh, I know they were good shoes.
He's a fucking asshole. He said you didn't get him anything.

Speaker 1 Joel, have a good day. Bye, God.
Bye, dude.

Speaker 1 Wait. Okay.

Speaker 1 First of all,

Speaker 1 you're such a fucking asshole.

Speaker 1 This is exactly.

Speaker 1 I fucking forgot. This feels so right.
This feels wrong. So right.
No, it feels so right. You're right.
He bought me these $850 pair of shoes. Fuck you.
And I've been wearing them.

Speaker 1 But I forgot, so I'm like, I wonder where I got these shoes. Such a piece of shit.
And now I connect it. So anyway.

Speaker 1 Okay, you happy now? I feel so embarrassed. Okay, so to make it even, you have to let me piss on those shoes and throw them away.

Speaker 1 You have to let me pee and puke on them, shoot. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Did you get FOMO

Speaker 1 from the Netflix luncheon photo?

Speaker 1 It's funny you say that. I almost texted you about it because...
I ended myself in. I have a photo of it.
Are you in it? Yeah, I'm in it. Show me the Netflix luncheon photo.
You were invited.

Speaker 1 No, we weren't. No, we weren't.
You weren't invited to do the show.

Speaker 1 This is just for people who did the Netflix. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You know what? That's funny because let me say something, okay?

Speaker 1 All right. I've been doing my investigation.
Yeah. And I've been doing my homework.
That is not correct. Why not? There are people there that didn't have anything to do with any shows yeah well no so

Speaker 1 case and point

Speaker 1 no case and but go to the left he didn't do anything no point he probably did eric riffin i call eric i go hey bud i i saw the phone i go hey i go hey bud i didn't know well he he brushes matt rife's hair at night

Speaker 1 yeah yeah i go hey bud i didn't did you do any netflix shows he goes no man they just i just went to the did lunch no yeah so now i mean polly's there celebrating next to Jimmy Carr.

Speaker 1 There's some really good people there. Shang Wang, some people, dude, dude.

Speaker 1 Here's what here's

Speaker 1 yeah, everyone's there. And here's and look at that Kreisher in the pool next to

Speaker 1 Ted Sarandos. Yeah, no, this is this is a fun photo.
It's a great.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why I have FOMO. Yeah,

Speaker 1 because everyone in that photo are people that either know or I completely respect. And it's like, I'm like, you know, one day, maybe I'll go.

Speaker 1 Now, how did you feel when you saw it? I'd be real.

Speaker 1 Because I've talked talked to Esther about it, and I mean, she's FOMO. Oh, that's, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think you know me well enough to know better. I think everybody in this room knows.
I couldn't fucking care less.

Speaker 1 This means nothing.

Speaker 1 Why? Where?

Speaker 1 This is so meaningless.

Speaker 1 This is funny. A zoo in China has been accused of dying dogs black and white to look like pants.

Speaker 1 Brilliant. That's what they do in Mexico.
That's brilliant. That's so brilliant.
Well, the dogs are all gone.

Speaker 1 This is the save. This is the save the dogs.
This is is the save the dogs campaign. They got him pull them off the streets, and so they had to put them somewhere.

Speaker 1 These dogs?

Speaker 1 The dogs couldn't roam around the streets of China, so they had to put them somewhere.

Speaker 1 Dog eating joke.

Speaker 1 I got it. Got it.
I got it. Yeah, yeah.
A zoo in China is painted. It's so funny to paint that dog.
Actually, I would love a panda dog.

Speaker 1 Dude, those are so cute. I would 100% buy a panda dog.
Die that thing permanent. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is that? Hell's Angels having holo erotic. All right, anyway, let's go.

Speaker 1 No, this is so interesting. Do you know about this? There's a bunch of photos that are going on the internet that have been like revived from Hell's Angels, LA Division, right?

Speaker 1 Aren't these Los Angeles Hell's Angels? Yes, these are West Coast, Los Angeles, Hell's Angels. They would make out with other angels like this.
Look at that guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they did it to what is it, display of a comfortability in their own masculinity. And if other people got uncomfortable, they would beat the shit out of them and kill them.
Why I do it?

Speaker 1 No, it's not. No, honestly, last.
Yeah, no, you guys do it because you're gay. No, no, no, no, I'm not.
I'm gay. I'll do it right now.

Speaker 1 I'll do it right now to do it. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, dude, you just hit. That's.
I got to fucking listen. No, this is because you're gay.
No, it's not because I'm gay, dude. Dude, check it out, dude.

Speaker 1 These guys do it because they want to start a fight. They're looking to fight.
So,

Speaker 1 at Tony's show, Hinge Club Show, right? I went. I bet you a lot of this shit was going on at Tony's show.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I went and gave Hans Kim an award.

Speaker 1 What was it? To induct him in the Tony Hall of Fame, whatever. So So I walked up with the award, and I see.

Speaker 1 Congratulations.

Speaker 1 They had to get you to give it to him. Yeah, yeah.
And I see Dr. Phil to my left, Adam, right? Yeah.
In front of the big crowd, and he stood up, and I stood up, and we just kissed on the lips.

Speaker 1 You and Adam.

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil, sorry.
Yeah, Dr. Phil.
And there's a sense of like, it seems cool.

Speaker 1 To whom? To us, like, we're so above it almost. Like, this is like, we see past, you know what I mean? How far does it go?

Speaker 1 That's it. Okay.
All right. Then last night.
I'm just saying, dude. Last night I was at the fucking, Josh Adam Meyer was at the fucking his show.
Another gay kissy show.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I went, so I do my set, and then he came out to sing a song with a duet. Yeah.
And then during the song, we just looked at each other and we kissed twice on the lips. See, I think this is gay kissing.

Speaker 1 It's not gay. It's not gay.
It's gay kiss. It's not gay.
It's like, we're artsy.

Speaker 1 We're above it. But see, people use art as a distraction.
It's funny, dude. No, I relate.
That's what it.

Speaker 1 Right. Do you understand what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, come here right now. This is some Catholic.
Yeah, come here right now, Jeff. Yeah, this is repression.
This is repression, is what this is.

Speaker 1 You guys are.

Speaker 1 It's like this. It's like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's for the laughs. Yeah, for the.

Speaker 1 Look, he wants more. Get out of here.

Speaker 1 Get out of here, dude. God, I don't want to do it.
That's what it is. I just don't get it.
Have I done it with you? No. I've kissed you on the lips before.
On the cheek. I'll kick you on the cheek.

Speaker 1 On the lips. No, yeah, yeah.
He's done all the lives. You've done lips.
For the gag?

Speaker 1 You've done it to act artsy.

Speaker 1 You did it live at one of the fucking gigs, right? And you looked at me and you were in one of those basciotti moods.

Speaker 1 You're like, I'm Rembrandt, whatever. And you were like, you looked at me, you locked my eyes when we did it, and then you kind of went, yeah, that was cool.
That's what they're doing. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 The rest of the country is right. We are weirdo.

Speaker 1 Lunatics. Yeah, West Coast.
It's like when David Bowie and fucking Lou Reed and Mick Jagger used to kiss on the lips, right? Okay.

Speaker 1 They're not gay. They're fucking artsy, dude.
Art is gay. CBGB.
Art is gay. Right? We just, you know.
Art is gay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The album below, we were in Germany.

Speaker 1 Iggy and David Bowie, they were in Germany together. We fucked.
That looks like.

Speaker 1 I love it, dude. I wish I was a Hells Angel back then.
It looks like me and Raj Sharma.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You and Moamber. Yeah, me and Moam.

Speaker 1 And why is Daniel Stern watching over us?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's fucking nuts, dude.
Rick Lassman. Rick Lassman's there.
But what's wild about this is it would start fights.

Speaker 1 These guys would, and they'd fight to the death for some of these guys for criticizing the sexuality, which is ironic because they also were homophobic.

Speaker 1 They would go beat the shit out of any minority, black, gay, Jewish, if they felt so. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, but they're two different things.

Speaker 1 You're acting as if they're completely two different things. No? Hunter S.
Thompson wrote, they can't stand it. It says, Terry, it blows their mind every time, especially the tongue bit.

Speaker 1 The side of a photographer invariably whips Hell's Angels into a kissing frenzy. So whenever there's someone taking photos, they start kissing.
Tongue? That's what it says. Hunter S.

Speaker 1 Thompson wrote all about it, and Hell's Angels is a great book.

Speaker 1 Have you done tongue cards? Tongue.

Speaker 1 Artsy? I've done tongue once. It was all.
With who?

Speaker 1 A guy kissed me in the back of an Uber and he stuck his tongue down my throat and I kissed back because I didn't want to be mean. Now you know how girls feel.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 When they put up with some fucking creepo dude, yeah, I just had to put out so that it wouldn't be awkward.

Speaker 1 I went on a date with a girl from Los Felas, and at the end of the date, I turned, I go in to kiss, and she went the Cobra. And I, yeah,

Speaker 1 you got Cobra.

Speaker 1 I got Cobra too. You got Cobra.
Cobra.

Speaker 1 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I kissed her cheek. Whoa.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, when you're in for a kiss, guys, we all have done it. We've all done it, right? Yeah, but

Speaker 1 you have, yeah, but I mean, I rarely gotten Cobra. I think I only know.
You never got Cobra. Well, I go in when I know it's appropriate.

Speaker 1 Sometimes my insect's wrong, but I got, I think this is the right time. Obviously, you were wrong.
I was wrong. Where was it? Outside of the restaurant? No.
It was dropping her off at her house.

Speaker 1 So you turn in the car. So I'm like, yeah, I had a great night.
She goes, yeah, me too. We should do it again.
I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 Cobra. Cobra.

Speaker 1 What did you say? What do you then say after she doesn't give up?

Speaker 1 You make it like a little.

Speaker 1 Oh, have a good night. Oopsie, oopsie.

Speaker 1 Do you get out and open her door? No. Have you ever opened a door for a girl? It's funny.

Speaker 1 Last night I was with a girl at dinner, and then she goes, you're not going to open the door for me, which I've never heard.

Speaker 1 I've never, no one's ever asked. It's like a real white thing.
Yeah. Really? Was it a white chick? Yeah.
Oh, you got to do it.

Speaker 1 White people love it. White girls like stuff like that.
Yeah, that reminds me of a lot of people.

Speaker 1 I'm going to write it down. So, what else do whites like? White girls? What do whites like? Yeah.
They like when you hold the door for them in their spring. I already got pumpkin sky.
Lattes. Spray.

Speaker 1 Yeah, any kind of latte. I like to spray in my car when I go on a date.
So pumpkin sprise. They like the door open.
Flowers. Any flower.
You can pick a flower off the fucking side of the road.

Speaker 1 They love it. They don't care.
Platinum cards.

Speaker 1 No, they don't care as long as you're paying. Okay, whatever card.
Yeah, whatever card. It doesn't matter.
Whatever card.

Speaker 1 You need money, though. You not got to have money.
You got to have money. They love a good deal.
They love like thrifting. So they love like, they like chic thrifting.

Speaker 1 So, I go to a oh my god, you want to get some real good white pussy? Go to a farmer's market. I went to one with a that's where all the girls are, yeah, and we got granola.

Speaker 1 Oh, they love that chicken, they love granola, dude. They love granola, buy their own honey and shit like that.
You're really into that coconut yogurt, yeah, yeah, so we can do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, white chicks, coconut, a lot of bullshit like farmer's market, right? Uh, what else? Aloe, you know what aloe is? Yeah, don't talk to me like that. What is it?

Speaker 1 It's workout gear, okay. Aloe work, it's like uh, It's like Lululemon.
Lululemon. Okay, okay.
But the aloe is like the new shit. It's like more.
Is it really a workout gear? A-L-O, look it up.

Speaker 1 It's popular as fuck. I see it all the time.
Aloe. Aloe.
It's like a hip, you know. Yeah.
They love Pilates. Go hang out outside of a Pilates class.
What fisting? Huh?

Speaker 1 Fisting. Fisting.
I think you're going to get less than 1%. No, I mean a pound.
I mean, a pound. Oh, they love that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had the word wrong.

Speaker 1 And they love Palm Springs. That's why people love Palm Springs.
The location. They just like to go out there.
The desert. I don't even know what the fuck they do.
They love it there.

Speaker 1 They just go take a picture in front of that sign that says drugs at that hotel. That every girl like, look at the fucking, look at Palm Springs drug sign.
Watch this.

Speaker 1 Look how many fucking white girls are below this thing. Yeah, that fucking dumb sign.
Whatever it is, whatever hotel that is. He looks like dolphins.
Yeah. I noticed.
They love dolphins.

Speaker 1 They love dolphins. Dude, I dated four girls in my life with dolphin pat tattoos.
Shut the fuck up. Where are they? They're like either in the back or like on the shoulder.

Speaker 1 Really? They're just really smart creatures, right? And they're just like sentient beings. So are pigs, pictures.
I know, exactly. Get a pig back there because you look like a pig.

Speaker 1 Anyway, oh my god, that's too much. That's too much.
That's too much. Get a pig tattoo.

Speaker 1 I'd actually respect it. Second smartest animal on the planet next to humans.
Who says we're the smartest on this fucking planet?

Speaker 1 I disagree with that. Because I saw that documentary.
I don't know. The Cove.

Speaker 1 I side with

Speaker 1 the poachers.

Speaker 1 I side with the poachers. Yeah, me too.
I'm a dolphin, right?

Speaker 1 I see a bay. it's filled with dolphin blood yeah all right it's just eyeball a dolphin eyeballs floating around yeah and he's like

Speaker 1 there's a part rave there's a rave

Speaker 1 you know what i mean if i'm in the alleyway and i see a human hand i'm not gonna walk down the alleyway

Speaker 1 it's not even a bit i'm not doing that sounds like a comedy bit i'm doing i would never do it a good bit

Speaker 1 it's a good bit and it's true

Speaker 1 Are they smart?

Speaker 1 Apparently they're second to us, but which means nothing because look at how dumb we are. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Because we love self-destruction, huh? We're the number one at destruction. Otters are smart.
Complex problems solving and understanding abstract situations. So they understand.
They kiss.

Speaker 1 But for the art. For the art.
Yeah, not because they like it. For the art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not gay.

Speaker 1 Why ain't remembering? It's okay if it's gay. You're gay.
It's fine. I love gay.
Yeah, I know. I love gay.
Not only are they adorable, they're also incredibly intelligent, have unique adaptations.

Speaker 1 Sea otters are intelligent, see see otters because they can also build shit you know why they're so smart they're ugly they're fucking hideous looking otters are the cutest creature what the fuck are you talking about sea otters are ugly they know they got to be smart when they're that fucking ugly let me see a sea otter

Speaker 1 bro cute as what are you talking about i got a good photo you have a hitler fucking mustache that's a good photo look at look at dude

Speaker 1 bro i want one i know exactly that those are great they're so they're great dude look at that i'll tell you what's funny we had raccoons in the backyard backyard for so long.

Speaker 1 And raccoons, they're little assholes, but they're so cute.

Speaker 1 What? What's going on?

Speaker 1 Don't even get me started with raccoons right now, dude. Don't you get me started?

Speaker 1 Don't get me fucking started with a raccoons. I have six rat traps set up in my backyard, the biggest ones I can find to try to catch one of these motherfuckers.
I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 Right now, in my driveway, guess what's on it? Coons, baby. No.

Speaker 1 Kung Pao chicken. Kun pao chicken? Kung pao chicken.
Oh, okay. I thought you meant like kung pao.
Like you made it. All right, so I went to

Speaker 1 Cohen. What's his name? Genghis Cohen.
Genghis Cohen. I love that place.
Right. And I got three dishes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beef and broccoli, sweet and sour pork. Got it.
White rice. Yes.
And I got kung pao chicken. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. So I'm eating, you know what I do.
You eat over order,

Speaker 1 I over-order. You take one bite of each and you throw it away.
Right. So I'm like, oh, fuck, I want to fuck with this kung pao chicken.
But if I put it in the fridge, it'll be there for nine months.

Speaker 1 At least. Yeah, yeah.
So I go, I'm just going to keep it in the box and stick it in a trash, you know, in the trash bag, put it it in the trash. Bro,

Speaker 1 kumpow chicken all over my face. Oh, yeah, you did that too.
And I won't even clean it. You knew better.

Speaker 1 They clean it.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 they ate what they needed and then they're done. And then come back tomorrow night and come clean it.
Did they knock over the can or they just opened the lid? They somehow climb on top of it.

Speaker 1 I've seen them open it up. And they can balance like Circle Solat.
Yeah, it's amazing. Right.
And they can get the Kumpao out. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, it's incredible. I've seen some of their skills are incredible.
But is it illegal to murder one?

Speaker 1 No, we looked it up. You can catch them, but you're not supposed to kill them.
But if you do kill them, who's going to know? Throw it in the L.A. River.
But they're so cute, too.

Speaker 1 Some of them, for sure. Yeah.
You can kill it anytime, day or night, in any legal manner. Hey, is that what it says? Yeah, Kelfa.
If it's causing property damage, you can kill it.

Speaker 1 Is eating Kumpo chicken property damage? Yes. Okay, then I'm going to kill it.

Speaker 1 I can't kill it, but...

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's eating, if that's...

Speaker 1 It's not like ripping up your lawn or anything. It's not doing anything.
Yeah. I know what I'm going to do.
Imagine that Bobby has got a court for killing a raccoon.

Speaker 1 You can use a lethal body grip trap that will snap its neck, or you can shoot it.

Speaker 1 Don't attempt to poison it. Why? You wind up with bigger problems on your hands.

Speaker 1 So that's a two-chamber. That sounds like a mafia threat.

Speaker 1 You're going to try to fucking poison me and the other boys. You're going to end up with a bigger problem than you have a fucking wish.
All right.

Speaker 1 Dude, when we had raccoons at our house, we had a guy come in and put six of these fucking stupid things in the backyard. Yeah.
You know what we caught? Two cats.

Speaker 1 Ming. Ming.

Speaker 1 Ming has been. You know what? I bought a brand new couch.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, please tell me Ming ruined your couch. Not just ruin it.
She, and I'm going to have to take her to the hospital. How much was that couch?

Speaker 1 $10,015,000. $15,000.
$10,000. And the cat fucking ruined it.
Not just ruin it. She pees, and then there's blood in her pee.

Speaker 1 Why? She's dying? No. I think she has a UTI or something.
Just like her papa. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I put down saran wrap. On the couch? Yeah.
What are you, my grandmother? That's so funny. Like saran wrap wrap.
And then. She wrap the furniture.
I come in the morning, I see pockets of peas

Speaker 1 and blood on my new couch.

Speaker 1 I catch it with the saran wrap. Why don't you just put her in a room like?

Speaker 1 I can't because she's a free. She's a free.
She's a free bird. She's a free bird, dude.

Speaker 1 And she's half black, half white. She's free.
She's like Obama. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which does she identify? Is she white-passing or black-passing? She's definitely white. She's white-passing.

Speaker 1 Right. Until she needs to use it.
It looks like that if she was like a human. Right.
Like, hi, I'm Ng. But then around other black casts, she like, yeah, she gets in the character.
What's some cat?

Speaker 1 Yeah, meow, motherfucker. Motherfucker.
Yeah, meow, motherfucker. Meow, motherfucker.
That could also be its Asian name. Meow.
Meow.

Speaker 1 So here, check this out.

Speaker 1 I bought,

Speaker 1 they delivered it. So I bought this stuff called Nature's Miracle Advanced Platinum No More Marking Potty Trainer for Indoor.

Speaker 1 What is it? I bought two bottles of it. I don't know what it is.
It just drinks it. No, and I'm going to spray it all over my couch.
Oh, so ruin the couch more. Yeah, yeah, I don't care.

Speaker 1 Right at this point. Because, and you're going to think this is a joke?

Speaker 1 You're going to think this is a joke. I swear to God, I'm my mother's life.
This happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 A week ago, I was with a girl on my new couch. Hooking up.
We were making out. Hell yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 And she rolled on not just the pee, but she had two poos in there. Cute.
Right. And so when she got up, I could see the poo stuck to her fucking t-shirt.
Right?

Speaker 1 And I, I, I, I, you know, I saw, hey, it was, you know what I mean? Let's go to the bedroom. And I knocked him off with my hand and we went to the fucking bed.

Speaker 1 How do you say? There's poo on you. It ruins the vibe.
Yeah. It ruins the vibe.
I can't tell.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Right.
And I knocked it off. And I still haven't hung out with her since.
She doesn't know, though. She doesn't know.
She does now.

Speaker 1 I think when I dropped her off, she probably looked at her shirt and goes, Why is there, you know what I mean? Imagine she was embarrassed.

Speaker 1 She's like, I went over to that guy's house with poop on my shirt.

Speaker 1 She didn't know it came from your house. Oh, shit.
She could have thought she brought poop. I could have just blamed her.
Like, hey,

Speaker 1 bitch, don't come over to my house. Watch your fucking shirt.
Why do you have cat peeing poo on your back? Fucking shit shirt. Dude, you, I, I don't think as quick as you spin it, dude.

Speaker 1 I have to spin those situations. You have to.
Be like, get your shit shirt off my couch. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like I used to, when I was a kid, me and my friend Brian Bradley, we used to steal weed from this guy's house, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 After we would steal it, because we knew that we went to, this dude went to work, and when he would come back from work, we would go to his house and buy weed from him.

Speaker 1 You'd steal it, then buy it? Yeah, we'd steal it and buy it. And he goes, and he would go look, and he'd freak out like, oh, my weed's gone.
You're like, well, we'll pay you for some. Yeah.
And we go,

Speaker 1 let us help you.

Speaker 1 Because if you're that guy, right? Then you don't think that there are other people. No, why would would they steal from me? They just bought from me.
Yeah. It's actually brilliant.

Speaker 1 So I should do that with the cat pee-poo thing.

Speaker 1 100%. Spin it on a motor.
Spin it. You got to spin it, dude.
One time I pretended to roll up a joint from this girl's weed at her birthday party and we were in England.

Speaker 1 We went to like a random house party. Yeah.
And my buddy Travis was like rolling up the weed. And the British guy was like, here you go, here's our tin.
Roll up.

Speaker 1 You guys know how to roll up. And he gave him like the whole tin of weed.
And Travis looked at me and was like, so let's get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 We stooked our tin of weed and we walked out.

Speaker 1 Wow. So mean.
Wow. Yeah.
And they were looking for you? It was a party. He thought he was like, because

Speaker 1 he was like the cool American guy that would roll up a blunt. What would you do? We went to your party, Carlos, and we stole a tin of weed from you.
If you guys literally did? No, just no, my name is

Speaker 1 Marcos. Mark Marcos.
Marcos. We're from Spain.
And I'm Wilfred. I'm from Sweden.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'd be legitimately really upset. Oh, what are you going to do about it?

Speaker 1 I'm Marco. I'm from Sweden, too.
Yeah, I need my

Speaker 1 weed back.

Speaker 1 Why don't we have to be from different countries? Well, you don't know how to do accents. I know, but I want to be.
Okay, you're from Sweden. Yeah, yeah.
I'm Marcos. I'm a Marcos from Sweden.

Speaker 1 I'm a Marcos from Sweden. And I need my weed back because I'm addicted.
No, we're not done. No, this is what we walk in.

Speaker 1 Just let us do that. Marco.

Speaker 1 I'm Marco.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You are Marco.

Speaker 1 What? I'm a Wilfred. You're a Marcos.
I'm a Marcos from Sweden. Hey, man, you got any bad for us to smoke? You have the cockroach for for us?

Speaker 1 No?

Speaker 1 Yeah, here's all the cockroach, you know? Oh, is that correcting of your marijuana? A lot of marijuana, no. Can we take it outside with us? Can we take it a lot?

Speaker 1 Really? Really?

Speaker 1 Do it right here. Oh, hold on.
Look.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 Good. Because we're going to.
We get him to look the other way. Yeah, you have to do that.
Right. Look over there.

Speaker 1 So if you're at home and if you're going to steal weed from somebody, just do the whole look over there.

Speaker 1 And that never works, don't they? Look over there yeah yeah and then we would have the rubber I bet you look over there does work look what is that

Speaker 1 look what is that and then you just walk away with the weed casually say what it is what is that uh

Speaker 1 ghost

Speaker 1 too fat too slow yeah what is that what is that is that crack in the foundation of the home get into really start looking yeah yeah yeah your lamp fixture's on fire well no it has to be on fire then for it to be real oh shit all right looks crooked something do a small meticulous tile Give me another shot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Small detail.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, is that black mold on your tile? On your skyle tile? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. There's a hole in that grout in the corner.

Speaker 1 I want to create my own, though. Please.
Yeah. Is that grass growing inside your living room?

Speaker 1 It's not.

Speaker 1 They take two seconds to look and then they're like, no. Oh, how about this?

Speaker 1 I like your rug. Where'd you get that? West Elm.
That now. But they're still looking at you.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm not good at it. No.
I'm not good at stuff like that. I tried to look over there.
Look over there.

Speaker 1 There we go. Gone.
Gone. Okay, anyway.
Don't steal weed. Don't steal weed.
You know what? Steal it. Steal it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, who cares now? You can just go to the store and buy it. There's way too many stores that sell weed, by the way.
There was a weed store next to the Home Depot, and I was like, okay.

Speaker 1 You know what's crazy? The accessibility. What is it for?

Speaker 1 I know. It's like really.

Speaker 1 The accessibility of mushrooms now.

Speaker 1 They're everywhere.

Speaker 1 Last night the comedy was just laying around big bags. Well, you you know what's how funny that is?

Speaker 1 So I get mushrooms every time I go to the comedy store and our friend Carol that hooks us up that we love from New Tropics. And

Speaker 1 I have a basket of party. I have a party drug basket at my house.
So when people come over, I always have weed for people, mushrooms. I've never seen this.

Speaker 1 You're not invited. I don't show it to you.
Okay. Okay.
For very obvious reasons. Yeah, I was just trying to think of where.

Speaker 1 When you were not sober, I definitely didn't want to show it to you. That bums me out.
Well, because you would consume at a rate that was probably dangerous. I know.

Speaker 1 I just thought that maybe we could add a fun night. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 like together. You just go too far.
Yeah, but like if you went too far with me, that could be fun once.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I've been fucked up with you, Carlos. I know.
We should just do it. We've parted.
No, we're not going to part. You're sober.
I know, I know. No more.
I know. I parted with you.
No more.

Speaker 1 We can't reminisce on that. No enticement.
Why can't I? Because that's against the fucking rules. Party together, dude.
No more party stuff.

Speaker 1 I have a basket of drugs at my house, and when the movers came to move us, the guy was like, hey, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I can't legally move drugs no my wife was like what are you talking about he's like there's a basket in the laundry room that's filled with drugs no yeah we have it for when people come over for parties wow because when i have people come over i'm always like here here's drugs if you want them you know wow it's a courtesy it's a nice thing when am i when am i it's kind of rude i know you've been sick but you haven't invited me over

Speaker 1 no one's come over to my house i just moved in I literally just moved in.

Speaker 1 Am I going to have a housework party?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys got the invite, didn't you?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I didn't get anything.
You didn't get anything? No.

Speaker 1 The joke was that. I know, and I was doing a joke.

Speaker 1 It wasn't working. When you do offshoot jokes, I know the joke was doing an offshoot.
It never worked.

Speaker 1 Isn't that interesting how far he's fallen? He's fallen. That's you fallen far.
Instincts are wrong. It was an offshoot.
Okay, then I'm going to go. I don't even think.

Speaker 1 No, no. Whoa, dude.
I don't even

Speaker 1 understood the joke. I think you just said that.

Speaker 1 No, I said understand.

Speaker 1 It was a lost thing.

Speaker 1 I understood that. So far, get your mind together, dude.

Speaker 1 You can't fool a fooler.

Speaker 1 You can't fool a fooler. You can't fool a fooler.
No, he's trying. Damn it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, this is stolen valor. You're trying to activate.
You're feeling your valor. You're a fooler.
You're not a fooler, bud. Stolen valor.
You're not a fooler. Yeah.
Don't fool a fooler.

Speaker 1 Joan of Arc. That's a real fucking fool right here.
Joan of Arc's valor, dude. This is a grade A fucking fool head.
You're not fooling a fool head, pal.

Speaker 1 I'm foolish beyond my years. Beyond.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like

Speaker 1 infinity foolishness. Oh, my God.
Speaking of which, before we go any further,

Speaker 1 did we watch Terrence Howard on Joe Rogan?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Everyone in this fucking room has an assignment. You need to go home and watch this entire interview.
It's going to blow your fucking mind. Is Terrence good?

Speaker 1 Better than good, buddy. Better than good.

Speaker 1 He goes off. He goes ham sam.

Speaker 1 He's like the, he is like a neuroscientific cat cat williams wow he's gone he's gone love it's fucking awesome yeah yeah he's loopy poopy look up one fucking clip of this guy i can't wait remember yeah they have a thing called zero

Speaker 1 they they they go from one to zero to negative one there is no zero to even hold on the guy that got fired from iron man

Speaker 1 the amount of times i've sat in a garage in high school yeah getting stoned out of my fucking mind and heard this in the background

Speaker 1 and then had to go, I got to get back to my mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like the amount of times high in a garage in high school.

Speaker 1 Xbox. That's what I do.

Speaker 1 But this is seriously, this conversation is happening right now in someone's garage. Yeah.
Right now. One guy's going, the magnetism was never stood still.

Speaker 1 And then that's me too high going, I got to go back to my mom's house. I got to go get a Gatorade at the gas station and go back to my mom's house.
Or it was one guy going, yeah, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not paying attention at all. Doesn't know what the fuck he's just saying, goes, I get it.
By the way, this is how wonky this shit is.

Speaker 1 Go halfway, go halfway down, go halfway just in the middle, and now listen to where he's at. Now, go ahead.

Speaker 1 I don't need anything else because they just didn't want me to go and talk about this. And that's why I went out there and said, hey, pull out your calculator.

Speaker 1 Wow. What the fuck are we talking about? Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Pull out your calculator. You listen to the whole thing.

Speaker 1 It's,

Speaker 1 it's, it's, it's, you know, it's like, it's like, it's what I imagine reading the Bible would be like. Wow.
It's eating the thickest piece of chocolate cake. It's annoying as fuck.

Speaker 1 I couldn't stop listening to it. Yeah, yeah.
I was like, what in the fuck? The first recorded zero appeared in Mesopotamia around 3 BC. The Mayans invented it independently, circa 4 AD.

Speaker 1 He would have a twist on this.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to be real for a second.

Speaker 1 Can we just... I'm a lay person.

Speaker 1 Ditto.

Speaker 1 Excuse me?

Speaker 1 I just said ditto, you fucking moron. Okay.
That's an agreeance. I'm saying me too.
Okay, let's have it.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 touche, my friend. By the way, how far away is this show from that show?

Speaker 1 Polar opposite. No, I'm a peasant, okay? Yeah, me saying.
I'm a LA person, and

Speaker 1 I don't know what the fuck that means. So what does that mean? What does what mean? How is zero invented in Mesopotamia? I think zero was something that was just like always a part of.

Speaker 1 Now he's saying zero is public. They're saying it was publicly recognized as a thing that Mayans used

Speaker 1 as calculation.

Speaker 1 They had to make it. The idea of zero is something that's just a truth, no? Now you're Terrence Howard.

Speaker 1 Now you're Terrence Howard. What I'm saying

Speaker 1 is that there's a caveman, right? One caveman had three sticks. Yeah.
I don't know what they collected. Rocks.
Rocks. One caveman didn't have any.
That's zero. But they killed that guy.

Speaker 1 You had nothing.

Speaker 1 Oh, you killed the guy with the zero. Zero is dead.
Right. If you had nothing, you die.

Speaker 1 Am I. Okay, I guess.

Speaker 1 You're not wrong. No, explain it to me, man.
What was they talking about? When they started to recognize zero as a numerical identification of nothing.

Speaker 1 So there was a point in time that no one really knew that. There was a point in time when I'm sure it wasn't communicated clearly.
Okay. It's like gravity.
It existed before people knew what it was.

Speaker 1 I know, but

Speaker 1 that's my point. They used to use a blank space.
It always existed, though. Look at that.

Speaker 1 At first, they'd use a blank space to indicate a nothing as a value. And when that grew confusing, they began using a pair of angled wedges as a placeholder for blank space.

Speaker 1 Oh, so the little circle of it. Yeah.
The symbol of it. Yeah, the symbol.
You mean the zero? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, zero.

Speaker 1 Physically, zero. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm like, am I drowning? No. No, honestly, am I drowning? Am I

Speaker 1 Tarl? You're trying to figure out zero. No, buddy.
It's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No,

Speaker 1 it's relatively new. It's only

Speaker 1 3,000 years old.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 God bless the guy for having a new enlightenment. God bless America.
Yeah, God bless America. God bless Terrence Howard.

Speaker 1 He said he's going to reinvent the periodic table. Wow.

Speaker 1 He said it's vertical and it's through sound. Colors are sound.
Wow. Pretty cool.
I hope it all comes true. I googled when marriage became an institution.
It's 4,300 years ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's been around for a long time. Yeah, but what did they do before? I know what they did.
What do you mean? Before marriage? What did they do?

Speaker 1 There were groups, right? Tribes. and like two or three alpha male dudes just pretty much fucked everybody.
Right. And then guys like me and Carlos and Andreas, not you, McConne.

Speaker 1 I think you're one of the members. We were just, we were cucks or something.
We jerked off in the watching. You definitely, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 You're, yeah, historically, you in another universe was cucking. You guys were cucking.
Fancy. People like us

Speaker 1 invented a word. You know what that word is?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I get what I'm just saying. That's what happened, I think.
Yeah. You need to watch it.
I want to watch it.

Speaker 1 I think it'll help me go to sleep. Yeah, you're not going to retain any information.
Yeah, I don't think so. What is this? Evil laugh competition.
Oh, shit. I would love to try it.
You would crush.

Speaker 1 Let me hear.

Speaker 1 Now, these guys are all practicing what they're going to do after they shoot up the school.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That one's pretty good.

Speaker 1 Pause it. What did he say? This is an American thing?

Speaker 1 No, there's nerds all over the fucking world.

Speaker 1 Look at you, you fucking nerd. This is just a different kind of nerd.

Speaker 1 You're a visual fucking nerd. These are sound dorks.

Speaker 1 You like fucking cameras and all sorts of things. They wouldn't invite you to the party.
Fuck hi. Yeah, you wouldn't get invited.
You're not even invited to that party, dude. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 you'd have to bring it, let's try. A symbol.
Let me do one first. No, you go first.
You wanted to try. Can I just? I've never done it before.
Well, let's hear one more. I want to hear the last

Speaker 1 landscape of it.

Speaker 1 And they all want to fuck that chick. All these nerds.

Speaker 1 Is this happening at a school?

Speaker 1 What are they teaching these fucking kids?

Speaker 1 All right, pause.

Speaker 1 All right, let's hear your evil laugh. I'm trying it.
Oh, go ahead. Just practice it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No? That's really good. That was actually really fucking good.
You would have won that whole thing. You do.

Speaker 1 You go.

Speaker 1 No, no, I want to envision. I'm tied to it.
We're knocked out. I'm tied to a tree.
I'm in a forest, right?

Speaker 1 You know what? What do they say whenever someone's kidnapped? Their first words out of their mouth is always this.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 1 Hello? Hello?

Speaker 1 You know who I am? No.

Speaker 1 I'm one of the hell's angels.

Speaker 1 Please don't kiss me.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to kiss you, baby. Please don't kiss me.
I'm going to kiss you, so.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's good.
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. That's good, right? Yeah, that's like different.
That's my little Hell's Angel. Yeah, that's really good.
Kitsy kitsy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, I got to get on my bike.

Speaker 1 That's really good. How funny would we see to see a Hell's Angel, fucking what, bitch? And then kiss a guy and then go, and then roll away.

Speaker 1 Well, if they have the evil laugh, there's other things they could probably do, like a climax competition. Yeah, evil climax?

Speaker 1 How about not evil?

Speaker 1 Sad climax. Oh, that's fucking.
I can do that one every time. Okay, do it.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good.

Speaker 1 I had a two. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's happening. A little half shot.
But the little shot happened. Nothing happened.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what fancy sounds like? What? Honey nuts? Oh, we tell me.

Speaker 1 Ariba.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Arriba.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What does Macomb sound like?

Speaker 1 I was gussing the tongue. Oh, no cap.

Speaker 1 Oh, I gassed inside your puss.

Speaker 1 Gassed inside your puss. No cap.
On God when he comes. On God.
Gen Z coming. Oh, shit.
On God.

Speaker 1 your generation fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 You bunch of fucking losers. Yeah.
Thank you for being a best friend.