Andrew's Airplane Emergency

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Dude, I was so worried about you. Thank you, baby.
We thought you were gonna die. I definitely thought I was gonna die.
I can do the quickest version of the story. No, we want the slow version.

Slow burn.

Well, first of all, welcome back, Fancy B from España.

Yay.

Yay.

Second of all.

My agents call me and they go, you're not doing it.

And I go, what?

What?

The zombie movie. Oh, his movie.

And I go, I have to do it.

You cannot do it.

I've never seen my agents call me and just beg me not to do a movie. Did they read the script? Yeah, they read the script.
They saw No Money. Right.
Spain. Right.
Years. A lot of things layered.
Yeah, there's not really a lot of incentive to do it. I read it on the plane, and that's why I had a medical emergency, because I was reading.
I'm doing it anyway. I know, I love you.
So I get a text message. I get a text message from Jesse, our old friend Jetsky, right? It says, oh my God, I can share the photo.
Oh my God, I'm on a plane and Andrew Santino just overdosed. Okay, I know.
But okay, not just that. Yeah.
I get a call from TMZ. They called my agents, yeah.
Right. And TMZ's like, is he alive? You didn't answer the, did you answer the phone? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why are you answering the phone? I go, who's alive? Yeah, who's alive? Your boy. We heard drugs and this, that.
I go- It's crazy. No.
What? No. Right.
It was diarrhea. It was diarrhea, right? Yeah.
It was diarrhea. Well- Do you faint into the plane though? Kills people every year.
Which kills a lot of people. 55,000 people in first world countries, by the way.
200,000 globally. How does diarrhea kill you? What dehydration you can no dude when i have diarrhea i drink water while i'm doing diarrhea well dude replenish right then 1.5 million people died from diarrhea in 2019 that's so many so here's what really happened i didn't overdose also, we apologized already to the fans of Abu Dhabi.

I was advising.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry we couldn't go.

So I was sick in Nashville, right?

Saturday, I didn't feel that good.

Saturday, late show, okay?

No booze, no nothing.

Nothing.

Just eat a meal.

Not feeling right.

Go to bed.

Sunday morning, I wake up.

Back up, back up, back up.

Yeah.

What's the feeling?

How do I start?

What's the beginning of it?

No, no.

What I'm saying is that I'm not feeling right.

I want to be specific because i want to know if i have those symptoms what to do okay so well i'll tell you not what not to do don't get on a flight all right juicy farts no it's not farts yet okay so what started as nausea up high high in my throat and then fogg. Oh my.
So on the second show on Saturday night, I felt like the set was good, but you know, when you're there, but you're, you're like, I'm on autopilot. I was on autopilot.
I was just kind of doing the jokes, but I was like, I feel so weird. I go back to the hotel that night.
I sit in bed, can't go to sleep, super nauseous. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, come out, real nauseous, achy, strange.
Go to sleep. Sunday morning, I wake up to go golfing with Court McCown.
The whole morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up. The whole time, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel woozy and out of it. I'm eating and drinking.
I'm having healthy stuff, nothing crazy. Then Sunday night, I get back to the hotel.

I call Lucy at Nashville Zany's,

and I said, something's wrong.

I don't even know if I could do the shows.

I feel awful.

Why do you do a Sunday show?

I did two Sunday shows.

For the fans, baby.

Okay.

So she says, I'll get you an IV.

She calls Nate Bargatze's sister,

who was an angel who came through with her friend who does mobile IVs.

I'll talk you an IV. She calls Nate Bargatze's sister, who is an angel, who came through with her friend who does mobile IVs.
Are they hot? In between shows, none of your business. Don't say that.
That's our friend's sister. Oh, no, just not Nate's.
It's Nate's sister. Not the other one.
The girl who administered the IV? Yeah. Okay, just move on.
Okay, okay. It's fine.
Okay, okay. So then, I get the IV in between shows.
Yeah. It's not working.
Like I get a boost of energy for the second show. Can I tell you something? But I feel dog shit.
I'm sweating. I'm vibrating.
Can I interject something? Yeah. I know it's your story, but I want to interject.
Gone. Yeah.
It's not funny. What am I about to say is not going to happen? No, mine has not been funny.
I love it though. Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, it yeah it's very interesting yeah I knew something was wrong because you called me on stage I did yeah and usually when he calls me on stage it's what's up uh-huh I'm doing a show this time he's on stage there's a crowd behind him he's like hey and so in my mind I'm like oh he's not doing a show I was calling me off I was so out of it. He was out.
There was something wrong. But I'll tell you why.
There was a weird omen in the air. A guy.
Oh, shit. Damien was there? Damien was there.
Oh, shit. With a 666 on his finger.
Dangling his penis fingers all over the crowd. Woo.
That's not Damien. That's Casper.
Oh, that's Casper. Up in the balcony of Zanies in in the middle of my show, a guy passes out.
Medical emergency! Medical emergency! How weird is this? Second show for a show. Second show.
Oh, no! Medical emergency, they're yelling, and our good buddy, great musician Noah Kahn came with his- Never heard of him. Really? One of the biggest musicians right now.
You don't know who Noah Kahn is is he's fucking massive is it shaka khan's brother yes it's shaka's younger brother yeah he's the man oh i love noah khan he's the fucking man anyway in the middle of the show a medical emergency we stop the show i think somebody's dying or having a stroke or a heart attack or something bad we get through that i feel like i might have or heart attack. So it's already this weird omen energy.
I go back to the hotel that night feeling not good all night long. Poop, poop, poop, poop.
Puke, poop, puke, poop, not good. In that order.
Poop, poop, poop, poop. Puke, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop.
poop poop poop yes okay okay exactly can i ask another question please what is the ratio in terms of puke diarrhea it's two to one poop to puke two to one diarrhea always wins it always wins it always wins they're like the manchester city of whatever that is they always win yeah My puke was Arsenal on this one. I'm sorry.
So anyway, I go to bed, sweating, sweat through the sheets. Your body fighting it off.
Oh, buddy. Big time.
I wake up the next morning and I said, get room service, get on the plane and go home. Just go home.
I get room service. I eat a bite of a waffle right back out wow one bite of a waffle a berry smoothie i figured i can't eat solid so i'm just gonna chug a smoothie i chugged a smoothie everywhere oh so your poo was purple it went right through like i'm power washed it was unreal i get to the airport i'm woozy goozy people are passing me like bad friends and I'm just like, eh, unreal.
I get to the airport. I'm woozy-goozy.

People are passing me like,

bad friends.

And I'm just like,

hey man.

I'm out of it.

Wow.

I sit down.

This is an insane story.

I sit down on the plane.

I know this one.

And I look to my left.

There's a bag on my seat.

It's like from somebody bought stuff from one of the shops.

And I go,

whose bag is this, man?

Is this anybody's bag?

Like I'm tired.

Yeah.

You know?

It's right behind me.

It's MGK and Megan Fox.

That's right.

I don't even see him.

I didn't even see him.

I swear to God.

I'm so out of it.

I literally didn't see the guy.

And he goes, yo, you the comedian?

Santino, yeah, right away.

And I go, what's up?

He goes, yo, you're the shit.

So now I'm sick. I'm you touched him yeah I gave him I gave him a dab right now mbk yeah yeah yeah yeah making fuck is everything okay yeah so mgk is behind me so now I have to turn you know when you like talking to someone behind you you got to like do the so I'm sitting on the side because I'm I want to be cool and talk to him but I can't tell him like hey dude I'm so fucking I feel so sick right now so we're just sharing comedy he's a huge comedy fan loves you which is annoying as fuck uh is a fan of the show like all like all our friends, we were talking about Tim Robinson show.

I think you should leave.

We were just cracking up,

sharing stories.

It was great.

Then finally I turned back around,

the flight starts.

And in the middle of the flight,

I put on my headphones, right?

The shout out to Phoenix Stand Up Live

gave me the Apple over their ear beats

as a gift.

Anyway.

Selling out all the shows.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Can I stop for a second? Did they give you a gift? Let me ask you something. Did they give as a gift.
Anyway. Selling out all the shows.
Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I stop for a second?

Did they give you a gift?

Let me ask you something.

Did they give you a gift?

I sold every show too.

Did you get anything?

Did you get a gift?

They gave you what?

Apple beats over the ear headphones.

All right.

Okay.

After your story,

I'm calling the owner of the club.

Yeah, do it.

And I have a fucking issue.

How much are they?

500 bucks?

Yeah, yeah.

That was a nice gift.

They gave you Apple beats. Yeah.
The one I sold out to yeah same one okay note that go ahead i'm mad go ahead it's good to be back yeah it's good to be so then i put on my headphones and i lay down to go to sleep i miss the like the the flight attendant coming by to like see if i wanted to eat or drink i'm out i'm cold i'm out cold right then my body does this one of those and I'm like I'm'm cold. I'm out cold, right? Then my body does this.

One of those.

And I'm like,

I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to fucking throw up.

I fucking,

dude,

I get up so fast,

my seatbelt,

still on,

right back in the seat.

Nobody saw,

thank God.

Was it like when,

remember I sat next to you had diarrhea?

Same thing.

Same thing.

Same feeling.

Been there, done that.

This guy.

Yeah.

I get up,

I rip the seatbelt off. She can kind of tell something's up the way she looked at me because i can fox no megan fox is paying no attention to my loser ass they're behind me hot huh is she hot pretty is megan fox hot okay let's move on yeah fucking what the fuck are we talking already already stunning yeah what yeah dude she could have been covered in shit in my shit and i still don't like gorgeous yeah i fucking run to the bathroom i bust in the door and i'm real dizzy because my blood pressure must be super low because i'm sick and i haven't eaten anything so i close the toilet seat and i sit down on it because i'm going to throw up in the sink to the right of me or to the left of me you know because I can't even stand up I'm so weak and then I get really woozy and then you know you hear the fucking the tv noise you passed out I fainted I passed out hard and I woke up I was on the floor of the bathroom at that point which my nightmare my nightmare yeah pee all you know I wake up sitting on the floor of the bathroom to the flight attendant going, sir, sir, sir.
And it's kind of like muffled. I can't really hear it.
How did they open it? And I hear, no, no, the door was, oh, I'm sorry. I'm skipping a step.
When I sat down on the seat, I opened the door and I said, can I get a cold towel? And she goes, sir, we're not supposed to get up right now because the seatbelt sign was on. And I said, can I get a cold towel around my neck? And then the door was open at that point.
I didn't close it. Thank God.
And then you passed out. And then I must have fainted.
Were your pants down? No, dude, I was fully clothed. I was going to throw up.
I was about to throw up. Oh, okay.
So then I pulled him down after I woke up. Oh, okay.
And they were giving me metal contention. Yeah.
So I wake up. I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom and I hear her like shaking me,

sir, sir, sir.

And then I hear another one going, do we have a doctor?

Do we have a doctor on the plane?

And I'm kind of coming to, but I can't really come to because I'm like, I feel myself like

mumbling.

That's embarrassing.

Yeah.

So embarrassing.

And I look down to my right and I have throw up everywhere.

I've thrown up all over myself. Like the amount of throw up is hilarious.
It's like a fucking, it's like a Nickelodeon show. It was like, ah, ah.
They turn on a faucet and she's trying to help me. And then this guy shows up who's a doctor.
He was a psychiatrist, but he was a doctor. And he's a psychiatrist, but he was a doctor.
And he was a psychiatrist. He was a doctor, but he was trying to help me out and she was talking to me and they were making me chug apple juice and they were trying to recount what happened.
And then he was like, did you take drugs or did somebody drug you? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sick.
Something's wrong. I have like a bug.
He gives me Narcan. Narcan for people that are fucking having like an OD.
Opioid. Opioid.
OD. Shoves it up my nose.
And he's like, breathe. And I was like, I don't know if I'm comfortable with Narcan.
And then he gets up my fucking schnoose. He just had Narcan on him.
They gave him the first aid kit. It has Narcan as an IV bag.
He just had them in his pocket. No.
I got eight of them. Yeah.
I can spare one. So they goose me with fucking Narcan.
He stabs me to give me an IV, but the bag's not working because my positioning's weird. Imagine if you had the stuff.
Remember when Batman did The Batman? Yeah. At the end when he was fighting the Riddler and his army, right? And he pulls out that green thing.
Anyway. Adrenaline.
Adrenaline. So he Narcans me, hits me with an IV.
The IV, my vein fucking severs.

So the thing is my arms all bruised, blood squirting.

Blood is all over the place.

I'm sitting in piss.

I'm sitting in piss and puke.

Not my piss.

Just airplane, toilet, bathroom piss.

It could be good piss.

I doubt it.

You don't know who's pissing this.

I doubt it.

Okay.

If it was Megan Fox's.

Yeah, if it was Megan Fox's.

If it was Megan Fox's piss, it would have been fine. Yeah, yeah yeah i would have taken some home could i get a can i get a cup a to-go cup so i'm sitting in piss and puke all over me and then mgk comes walking up oh here we go this is how cool of a guy this guy is i'm so embarrassed i'm sitting there i'm slunched in a fucking in the airport bathroom oh my god in the airplane bathroom and he goes yo andrew are you okay do you want some apple juice or orange juice and he's got like both like he bought it from the store and i go i'm literally like my neck is craned against the and i go oh thanks mgk very nice of you man it's so good i'm craned against the sink i'm tucked against the sink it's so good and he he goes okay bro and then he walks away and the flight attendants like, do you want your phone? Do you want to call somebody? Because I'm craned against the sink.
I'm tucked against the sink. It's so good.
And he goes, okay, bro.

And then he walks away and the flight attendant's like,

do you want your phone?

Do you want to call somebody?

Because I'm kind of like, they're giving me oxygen because my blood level, my oxygen level is super low

because I passed out.

Wow.

They take my vitals and she goes, does he know your family?

And I go, we just met.

She goes, you guys seem like close friends.

And I was like, he's just being very nice. Stars, love it.
Well, you know, MGK. No, so then he comes back like five minutes later.
They've got me hooked up to an oxygen tank to get my levels right. And he's got this sweater in his hand.
This is his sweater. This is MGK's sweater.
He's got it balled up in his hand. And he sees that'm soiled and he and he goes yo do you want my sweater because i'd taken my sweater off because they were like take your sweater off we need to like get you know we need to be able to take your blood pressure so i take i take my sweater off he could tell i'm in like a shitty old bed you know like a night shirt or something and he goes uh do you want my sweater and i said no dude i'm gonna get it's got i puke and fucking and he goes i don't give a fuck and he throws it to me and he He goes, do you want my sweater? And I said, no, dude, I'm going to get, it's got, I puke and fucking,

and he goes, I don't give a fuck.

And he throws it to me and he goes,

keep that shit, dude, I don't give a fuck.

He's like, get warm.

And I almost started crying.

I was like, MGK.

Like he threw it to a kid at a children's hospital.

Thanks, MGK.

So he gave me a sweater, like a fucking prince.

He doesn't even wash that.

Why would I wash this?

I didn't get anything on it.

The smells.

Thank you. Thanks, MGK.
So he gave me a sweater like a fucking prince. He doesn't even wash that.
Why would I wash this? I didn't get anything on it. It smells bad.
Anyway. No, we washed it when I got home.
No, you didn't. Yeah, I did.
Well, I didn't. So this was worse than the earthquake concussion in the bathroom.
Oh my God. Dude, I'm telling you right now, that was a good one.
Pretty close. That was a zingrachid.
So then- That was very, very, very provocative. So I'll finish it.
Okay. I get up out of my- They're like, can you sit in your seat? At this point, I'm fine.
Yeah, I can sit in my seat. I'm woozy.
I'm texting my fucking wife. I'm like, you need to pick me up.
I canceled my car because I was like, I can't ride in a car because I'm still fucked up. I get back in my seat.
I turned to MGK and I just go, sorry, man. Thank you.
You're a real one. He goes, I'm just glad that you're good.
And I was like, thanks. And then I just couldn't look at any, I just didn't want to look at anybody.
I was so embarrassed, you know? And I get off the plane or I, and then they say, everyone has to stop so the EMTs can come get me. I said, for my own embarrassment, can I just get off the plane? I can walk.
I'll meet them in the jet bridge. If you can walk.
Yeah. I grab my shit.
I sprint up the jet bridge. I throw this hoodie over my head and I sit in the corner as far as I can.
Let the fucking paramedics do my vitals and take care. Because they have to check you out when you land.
They're doing the vitals. I'm texting bing bing bing bing bing text are you dead did you od you're dead are you dead yeah people were hitting someone texted from the flight jesse and carlos and said santino od'd on my plane they were saying i fucking overdosed on the flight oh they don't have the information then tmz is calling my agents.
You. Yeah.
I pick up. Why? I love them.
No. They're my friends.
They want to know what's going on. Of course I get.
My wife picks me up. We make it.
At 5.30 p.m. We're sitting in rush hour traffic.
Holy shit. And I'm shaking in the front seat because I can't hold it in.
We get my fucking front lawn my hand to god i held out the moment i open the car door my neighbor just like hey andrew clipping his fucking head i project out of my dog in the window i'm holding my asshole oh shit and for the next four days i know i lost nine pounds yeah i I was on the asshole. Oh, shit.
And for the next four days. I know.
I lost nine pounds. Yeah.
I was on the toilet spraying out of my butt. I've never had this kind of, it was water.
Every time I sat, water. I had to go to the fucking doctor twice.
I know. Because I was like, dude, something's wrong.
Bro. And my doctor was like, where'd you come from? Where are you going? I was at Nashville, Abu Dhabi.
He goes, no, no. He's like, you should.
Nashville already, you did it already. Yeah.
He was like, he's like. He said no to that.
No, he. You've been there.
Okay, okay, okay. Go ahead.
Go back. He went, he goes, go back in time and change it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, he was like, no more.
He's like, you can't travel, dude. He's like, you cannot be sitting.
He's like, you need to take a break. Your body.
He's like, even if I give you shit you shit he's like you shouldn't be traveling so it took me four days i called i called everyone a million times to say i'm sorry took me four days of losing nine pounds you know we were so worried but now i'm a cutesy pootsy now i'm a little pin-up girl yeah now i'm a little skinny pin-up girl and i finally feel better you know you look like philadelphia dude yeah yeah i I look you look when i just and that's the last time i'll party with magic johnson you know what

magic that's enough wow it was a crazy story incredible so shout out to mgk for the sweater

that was very so we want to apologize to abu dhabi sorry about that guys who to who guys sorry

about that guys abu dhabi abu dhabi and i know you guys are mad but there's nothing we can do

there's no way we're gonna put our boy in japan i was not allowed to fucking fly. I mean, what? What's going on? Did we get something? Yeah.
We got something. Let's see what we got here.
Give it to me. Yeah, this is straight from UAE.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Is this real? Yeah. Yeah.
This is bad, Bobby. We're wanted.
Get all alive! I can read it. Who made that? Wanted by the United Arab Emirates.
I know you didn't. Let me read it.
Whoa. You have to read this.
Wow. This is serious, huh? Wanted by United Arab Emirates.
Bobby and Andrew Santino. No call, no show.

No call, no show.

Being stupid and mad.

Being stupid and mad at a disrespectful behavior.

Show your anus to anyone with eyes.

Show your anus to anyone with eyes.

Cancellation, Norfolk, Virginia appears in 2023.

Don't turn off less successful podcasts

to focus all your energy on the ones people

are actually watching sexual harassment in the workplace. No giving Carlos to the FBI.
No giving fancy B to ICE. Wow.
Wow. Anyway, thank you.
Thank you to the fine people of Delta Airlines for being a bad friend and taking care of me. I really appreciate it.
Thank you. Shout out Dr.
Warren down in Orange County. Hey, Dr.
Warren. Thanks.
Thanks for your help, Dr. Warren.
Thank you. And Delta.
Thank you. Shout out Delta.
They killed it. Unlike that girl who got mad this past week at Delta.
Did you see that thing? But did you- She's like, screw you, Delta. I missed my best friend's wedding.
Did you- It's like, you missed the flight. Know how you got it? Did I know how I got this bug? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so through food or through- So I went to the urgent care. Yeah.
And I doctor doctor. I went to both because I was that scared.
Because dude, on day three, I lost six pounds in one day. Wow.
And I went to urgent care because I was concerned. I couldn't think right.
I was like, you know, and he was like, is there blood? Are you incoherent or have you passed out again? I said, no, no, no. He goes, good.
You don't need to go to the emergency room. Okay.
But he goes, we'd have to take a stool sample to find out what it really is. But he's like, there's been a lot of these things going around where people are catching these bugs, these flu-like symptomatic bugs, and it rushes through your system.
And then it- But do you get it by just eating or do you get it by talking to people? I'm like, how do you get it here? He doesn't know. My bad, my bad.
But I took the flu- I just don't want it. But I took the flu test, the COVID test.
I took all those tests. There's nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.
Wow. Couldn't explain it.
But he was like, this is not the first time I've seen this. He's like, I've seen people.
This is not. I've seen people get these stomach things in the last couple of months.
I don't even know what it is. He's like, could be something that's new in Nashville that hasn't made it back here yet.
He's like, I have no idea. Wow.
Yeah, it's crazy. But no, I don't think it's that contagious because

no one I was hanging out with.

You know? Yeah.

Zach

Townsend, who

opened the shows. Fine.

Court McCown, fine. Court did it too?

Yeah. Love those guys.
Fine. They're fine.

Yeah. So...

Well, I'll tell you something I realized.

Hmm.

I went to Tony Hinchcliffe's show at the forum. Yeah, how was that? It was packed.
Yeah. It was incredible.
Yeah. Thousands, like 10, 15,000 people.
That's why he canceled on us. He did? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, people on the internet go after him, but.
Oh, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Joel at Batchcock.
Hey. Hey, Joel.
I'm here with Andrew Santino. You're on Bad Friends.
What's going on? Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
I just want to ask you a question. Is that cool? Sure.
And if you don't want this on the internet, that's fine. We can cut it out.
But so Andrew played your club at Stand Up Live. We love the club, by the way.
So one of the best comedy clubs in America. That's right.
Okay. And Andrew and I, do we both, I mean, did I make you happy with the shows? Oh, no, you're incredible.
Both of you were great. We all sold out, right? Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, it's interesting that Andrew got your, what is it? Apple. AirPods Max.
AirPods headphones. Gosh.
Okay, go ahead. What did you get? Oh, yeah, you got me shoes.
Yeah, badass shoes. You fucking spoiled brat.
Hang up the phone. Joel, I'm so sorry.
Joel, I forgot. Joel, I'm so sorry.
I forgot, I forgot. Fuck you.
Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry.
I love you, Joel. Apologize.
Apologize. We'll play next year.
Andrew. Yeah.
They were golden good shoes. Oh, I know they were good shoes.
He's a fucking asshole. He said you didn't get him anything.
Joel, have a good day. Bye, dude.
Wait. Okay.
First of all, you're such a fucking asshole this feels so right this feels so right no it feels so right he bought me these $850 pair of shoes fuck you and I've been wearing them I forgot so I'm like I wonder of shit. And now I connected.
So anyway. Okay, you happy now? I feel so embarrassed.
Okay, so to make it even, you have to let me piss on those shoes and throw them away. You have to let me pee and puke on them.
I'll go, I'll go, okay. Did you get FOMO from the Netflix luncheon photo? It's funny you say that.
I almost texted you about it because- I edited myself in. I have a photo of you.
Oh, you're in it? Yeah, I'm in it. Show me the Netflix luncheon photo.
You were invited. No, we weren't.
No, we weren't. You were invited to do the show.
This is just for people who did the Netflix. No, no, no.
You know, that's funny because let me say something, okay? Yeah, that funny. All Okay.
I've been doing my investigation.

Yeah.

And I've been doing my homework.

That is not correct.

Why not?

There are people there that didn't have anything to do with any shows.

Yeah.

Case in point.

No, case in point.

Go to the left.

He didn't do anything. Case in point.

He probably did.

Eric Griffin.

I called Eric.

I go, hey, bud.

I saw the photo.

I go, hey, bud.

I didn't know. Well, he brushes Matt Rife's hair at night oh that's so funny yeah yeah I go hey bud did you do any Netflix shows he goes no man I just went to the lunch no I mean Pauly's there celebrating next to Jimmy Carr there's some really good good people there.
Shang Wang. Dude, here's

Everyone's there.

And look at that. Kreischer

in the pool next to Ted Sarandos.

No, this is a fun

photo. It's a great.
I'll tell you

why I have FOMO. Yeah, you do.
Because

everyone in that photo are people that I either know

or I completely respect

and it's like, I'm like, you know, one

day, maybe I'll go.

Now, how did you feel

when you saw it? Be real.

If I... or I completely respect and it's like, I'm like, you know, one day, maybe I'll go.
Now, how did you feel when you saw it? Be real. Because I've talked to Esther about it and I mean, she's FOMO.
Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I think you know me well enough to know better. I think everybody in this room knows.
I couldn't fucking care less. Me either.
This means nothing. Why? Who cares? This is so meaningless.

Why is meaningless to me?

This is funny.

A zoo in China has been accused of dying dogs black and white

to look like pandas.

Brilliant.

That's what they do in Mexico.

Isn't that brilliant?

That's so brilliant.

Well, the dogs are all gone.

This is to save the dogs.

This is to save the dogs campaign.

They got to pull them off the streets

and so they had to put them somewhere.

These dogs? The dogs couldn't roam around the streets, and so they had to put him somewhere. These dogs? The dogs couldn't roam around the streets of China, so they had to put him somewhere.
Dog eating jokes. I got it.
Got it. I got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A zoo in China is painted.
It's so funny to paint. That dog, actually, I would love a panda dog.
Dude, those are so cute. I would 100% buy a panda dog.
Dye that thing permanent. Yeah.
What is that? Hell's Angels having homoerotic. All right, anyway.
No, this is so interesting. Do you know about this? There's a bunch of photos that are going on the internet that have been like revived from Hell's Angels.
LA division, right? Aren't these Los Angeles Hell's Angels? Yeah, 60s. West Coast, Los Angeles, Hell's Angels.
They would make out with other angels like this. Look at that guy.
Yeah, yeah. And they did it to, what is it? Display of a comfortability in their own masculinity.
And if other people got uncomfortable, they would beat the shit out of them and kill them. See, that's why I do it.
No, it's not. No, honestly.
No, you guys do it because you're gay. No, no, I'm not.
I'll do it right now. I'll do it right now to do it.
No, see. No, dude, you just hit, that's, I gotta fucking, listen.
No, this is because you're gay. No, it's not because I'm gay, dude.
Check it out, dude. These guys do it because they want to start a fight.
They're looking to fight. So, at Tony's show, Inch Club show, right? I bet you a lot of this shit was going on at Tony's show.
Yeah, I went and gave Hans Kim an award. What was it? To induct him in the Tony Hall of Fame, whatever.
So I walked up with the award, and I see- Congratulations. They had to get you to give it to him? Yeah, yeah.
And I see Dr. Phil to my left, Adam, right? Yeah.
In front of the big crowd, and he stood up and I stood up and we just kissed on the lips. You and Adam.
Dr. Phil, sorry.
Yeah, Dr. Phil.
And there's a sense of like, it seems cool. To whom? To us.
Like we're so above it almost. Like this is like we see past, you know what I mean? How far does it go? That's it.
Okay. All right? Then last night- I'm just saying, dude.
Last night, I was at the fucking- Josh Adam Meyers at the fucking his show. Another gay kissy show.
Yeah. And I went- So I do my set, and then he came out to sing a song with a duet.
Yeah. And then during the song, we just looked at each other, and we kissed twice on the lips.
See, I think this is gay shit. It's not gay.
It's not gay. It's like, we're artsy.
We're above it. But see, people use art as a distraction.
What's so funny, dude? No, I relate. That's what it, right? Do you understand what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Come here right now.
This is some Catholic school. Yeah, come here right now.
Yeah, this is repression. This is repression is what this is.
You guys are... It's like this.
It's like... Yeah, it's for the laughs.
Yeah, for the... Look, he wants more.
Get out of here. Get out of here, dude.
God, I don't want to... That's what it is.
I just don't get it. Have I done it with you? No.
I've kissed you on the lips before. On the cheek.
We kiss you. I'll keep you on the cheek.
On the lips. No, yeah, yeah.
He's done it done all yeah you've done lips for the gag you've done it to act artsy we did it live at one of the fucking gigs right and you looked at me and you you were in one of those like baschiati moods yeah you're like i'm rembrandt whatever and you were like you locked my eyes when we did it and then you kind of went yeah that was cool that's what they're doing it's the rest of the country is right we are weirdo lunatics yeah west coast it's like when David Bowie and fucking Lou Reed and Mick Jagger used to kiss on the lips right okay that's not they're not gay they're fucking artsy dude art is gay GB GB art is right we just you know art is gay yeah the album below just, you know. Art is gay.
Yeah. The album below, we were in Germany.

Iggy and David Bowie, they were in Germany together.

We fucked.

That looks like.

I love it, dude.

I wish I was a Hells Rangel back then.

That looks like me and Raj Sharma.

Yeah.

You and Mo Amber.

Yeah, me and Mo Amber.

And why is Daniel Stern watching over us?

Yeah, yeah. It's fucking nuts, dude.
Rick Glassman. Rick Glassman's there.
But what's wild about this is it would start fights. And they'd fight to the death for some of these guys for criticizing the sexuality, which is ironic because they also were homophobic.
They would go beat the shit out of any minority, black, gay, Jewish, if they felt so. Yeah so yeah i mean but they're two different things it's you're acting as if they're they're completely two different things no hunter s thompson wrote they can't stand it says terry blows their mind every time especially the tongue bit the side of photographer invariably whips the hell's angels into a kissing frenzy so whenever there's someone taking photos they start kissing tongue that's what it says hunter s thompson wrote all about it and hell's angels a great book have you done tongue it's not artsy i've done tongue once with who um uh a guy kissed me in the back of an uber and he stuck his tongue down my throat and i kissed back so i didn't want to be mean now you know how girls feel exactly when they put up when they put up with some fucking creepo dude yeah I just had to put out so that it wouldn't be awkward.
I went on a date with a girl from Los Feliz and at the end of the date, I turned, I go in to kiss and she went- The cobra. And I- You got cobrad.
I got cobrad too? You got cobrad. The cobra.
Whoa, dude. Yeah, and I kissed her cheek.
Whoa. You know, when you go in for a kiss, guys, we all have done it.
We've all done it right? Yeah, but... Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. You have? Yeah, but I mean, I've rarely gotten Cobra.
I think I only know... You never got Cobra.
Well, I go in when I know it's appropriate. Sometimes my instinct's wrong, but I think this is the right time.
Obviously, you were wrong. I was wrong.
Where was it? Outside of the restaurant? No. It was dropping her off at her house.
So you turn in the car. So I'm like, had a great night.
She goes, yeah, me too. We should do it again.
I go, yeah. Cold blood.
Cold blood. What did you say? What do you then say after she doesn't give up? You make like a little oop.
night oopsie oopsie do you get out and open her door no have you ever opened a door for a girl it's funny last night i was with a girl at dinner and then she goes you're not gonna open the door for me which i've never heard like i've never no one's ever asked it's like a real white thing yeah really was it a white chick yeah oh you got to do it white people love it white girls like stuff like that yeah that reminds me i want to write it down so what else do whites like white girls what are whites like yeah they like when you hold the door for them in a restaurant i already got pumpkin sky lattes right yeah any kind of any kind of latte spray in my car when i go on a date so pumpkin sp sprites. They like the door open.
Flowers. Any flower.
Yeah.

You could pick a flower off the fucking side of the road.

They'd love it.

They don't care.

Platinum cards.

No, they don't care as long as you're paying.

Okay.

Whatever card.

Yeah, whatever card.

It doesn't matter.

Whatever card.

You need money though.

You got to have money.

You got to have money.

They love a good deal.

They love like thrifting.

So they love like, they like chic thrifting.

So I go to a-

Oh my God.

You want to get some real good white pussy?

Go to a farmer's market.

I went to one with them.

That's where all the girls are.

Yeah.

And we got granola.

Oh, they look... They like chic thrifting.
Oh my God, you want to get some real good white pussy? Go to a farmer's market.

I went to one with them.

That's where all the girls are.

Yeah, and we got granola.

Oh, they love that. They love granola, dude.

They love granola.

Buy their own honey and shit like that?

Yeah.

They're really into that coconut yogurt.

Yeah.

Yeah, so we got coconut yogurt.

Yeah, white chicks like a lot of bullshit like that.

Farmer's market, right?

Yeah.

What else?

Aloe.

You know what aloe is?

Yeah, don't talk to me like that.

What is it?

It's workout gear.

Okay, aloe you know what aloe is yeah don't talk to me like that what is it it's workout gear okay aloe worker it's like uh it's like lululemon okay okay but the aloe is like the new shit it's like is it really a workout gear aloe look it up it's popular as fuck i see it all the time aloe aloe they like it's like a hip you know yeah they love pilates go hang out outside of a pilates class. Fisting.
Huh? Fisting. Fisting.
I think you're going to get less than 1%. No, a pound, I mean.
A pound. Oh, they love that.
Yeah, 100%. I had the word wrong.
And they love Palm Springs. That's why people love Palm Springs.
The location. They just like to go out there.
The desert. I don't even know what the fuck they do.
They love it. They just go go take a picture in front of that sign that says drugs at that hotel that every girl like.
Look at the fuck, look at Palm Springs drug sign. Watch this.
Look how many fucking white girls are below this thing. Yeah, that fucking dumb sign.
Whatever it is, whatever hotel that is. It looks like dolphins.
Yeah. I know this.
They love dolphins. They love dolphins.
Dude, I dated four girls in my life with dolphin pat tattoos. Shut the fuck up.
Where are they? They're like either in the back or like on the shoulder. Really? They're just really smart creatures, right? And they're just like sentient beings.
So are pigs. Pigs are smart.
I know, exactly. Get a pig back there because you look like a pig.
Anyway. Oh my God.
That's too much. That's too much.
No, get a pig tattoo though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd actually respect it. Second smartest animal on the planet next to humans.
Who says we're the smartest on this fucking planet? I disagree with that. Because I saw that documentary.
I don't know. The Cove.
I side with the poachers. I side with the poachers.
Yeah, me too. I'm a dolphin, right? I see a bay.
It's filled with dolphin blood. Yeah.
Alright? It's just eyeball, floating around. There's a part.
A rave. There's a rave.
You know what I mean? If I'm in the alleyway and I see a human hand, I'm not going to walk down the alleyway. Hello? It's not even a bit.
I'm not doing... That sounds like a comedy bit I'm doing.
I would never do it. It's a good bit.
It's a good bit. And it's true are they smart they're apparently they're second to us but which means nothing because look at how dumb we are exactly is what i'm saying because we love self-destruction huh we're the number one at the otters are smart complex problems solving and understanding abstract situations so they understand they kiss but for the art, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's not gay.
It's just, you know. Rembrandt.
It's okay if it's gay. You're gay.
It's fine. I love gay.
Yeah, I know. I love gay.
Not only are they adorable, they're also incredibly intelligent, have unique adaptations. Sea otters are intelligent, see? Sea otters, because they can also build shit.
You know why they're so smart? They're ugly. They're fucking hideous looking.
Dude, otters are the cutest. What the fuck are you talking about? See, otters are ugly.
They know they got to be smart when they're that fucking ugly. Let me see.
See, otter. Bro, cute as fuck.
What are you talking about? I got a good photo. You have a Hitler fucking mustache.
That's a good photo. Look at that.
Look at, dude. Bro.
I want one. I know.
Exactly, dude. Those are great.
They they're so they're great look at that i'll tell you what's funny we had raccoons in the backyard for so long and raccoons they're little assholes but they're so cute what what's going on don't even get me started with raccoons right now don't you get me started don't get me fucking started with i have i have six rat traps up in my backyard, the biggest ones I can find to try to catch one of these motherfuckers. I'm not kidding.
Right now, in my driveway, guess what's on it? Coons, baby. No.
What? Kung Pao chicken. Kung Pao chicken? Kung Pao chicken.
Oh, okay. I thought you meant like Kung Pao, like you made a- All right, so I went to Cohen.
What's his name? Genghis Cohen? Genghis Cohen. Yeah, I love that place.
three dishes yeah beef and broccoli sweet and sour pork gotta white rice yes and I got Kung Pao chicken yeah so good right so I'm eating you know what I do I over I over order you take one bite of each and you throw it away right so I'm like oh fuck I wanna fuck with this Kung Pao chicken but if I put it in the fridge it'll At least. Yeah, yeah.
So I go, I'm just going to keep it in the box and stick it in the trash, you know, in the trash bag, put it in the trash. Bro.
Can't do that. Kung Pao chicken all over my face.
Oh, yeah, you did that to yourself. And I won't even clean it.
You knew about it. They clean it.
No, they ate what they needed and then they're done. And then come back tomorrow night and come and clean it.
Did they knock over the can or did they just open the lid? They somehow somehow climb on top of it i've seen them open it up and they can balance like circus relation yeah it's amazing right and they can get the kumpa out yeah yeah i know it's incredible i've seen some of their skills are incredible but if is it illegal to murder one no we looked it up you can catch them but you're not supposed to kill them but if you do kill them who's gonna know throw it in the la river but they're so cute too some of them for sure yeah you can kill it anytime day or night in any legal manner hey is that what it says yeah if it's causing property damage you can kill it is eating kumpo chicken property damage yes okay then i'm gonna i don't want to kill i can't kill it but i don't know i don't know if that's eating if that's it's not like ripping up your lawn or anything it's anything. Yeah.
I know what I'm going to do. Imagine that Bobby has to go to court for killing a raccoon.
You can use a lethal body grip trap that will snap its neck. Or you can shoot it.
Don't attempt to poison it. Why? You wind it with bigger problems on your hands.
A CO2 chamber. That sounds like threat you're gonna you're gonna try to fucking poison me and the other boys you're gonna end up with a bigger problem than you have a fucking wish all right dude when we had raccoons at our house we had a guy come in and put six of these fucking stupid things in the backyard yeah you know we caught two cats ming ming ming has You know, I bought a brand new couch.

Oh my God.

Please tell me Ming ruined your couch.

Not just ruin it.

She...

And I have to take her to the hospital.

How much was that couch?

$10,000, $15,000.

$15,000.

And the cat fucking ruined it.

Not just ruin it.

She pees

and then there's blood in her pee.

Why? She's dying? No. I think she has a uti or something just like her papa yeah yeah and so i put down saran wrap on the couch yeah what are you my grandmother yeah so funny like saran wrap and then wrap the furniture i come in the morning i see pockets of pee and blood on my new couch.
I catch it with a saran. Why don't you just put her in a room? I can't because she's a free.
She's a free. She's a free bird.
She's a free bird, dude. And she's half black, half white.
She's free. She's like Obama.
Yeah. Which does she identify? Is she white passing or black passing? She's definitely white.
She's white passing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. Until she needs to use that.
She talks like this if she was like a human. Right.
Like, hi, I'm In. But then around other black cast, does she like- Yeah, she gets into character.
What's up, cat? Yeah. Meow, motherfucker.
Motherfucker. Yeah, meow, motherfucker.
Meow, motherfucker. That could also be its Asian name.
Meow. Meow-ow So here check this out I bought They delivered it

So I bought this stuff called

Nature's Miracle Advanced Platinum No More Marking Potty Trainer for Indoor

What is it?

I bought two bottles of it

I don't know what it is

It just drinks it?

No and I'm going to spray it all over my couch

Oh so ruin the couch more

Yeah yeah I don't care

Right at this point

Because

And you're going to think this is a joke

You're going to think this is a joke

Thank you. and I'm going to spray it all over my couch.
Oh, so ruin the couch more. Yeah, I don't care.
Right, at this point. Because, and you're going to think this is a joke.

You're going to think this is a joke.

I swear to God, in my mother's life this happened.

Yeah.

Okay.

A week ago, I was with a girl on my new couch.

Hooking up.

We were making out.

Hell yeah.

All right?

And she rolled on not just the pee, but she had poo, two poos in there. Cute.
Right. And so when she got up, I could see the poo stuck to her fucking t-shirt.
Right. And I, you know, I saw it.
You know what I mean? Let's go to the bedroom. And I knocked her off with my hand and we went to the fucking, because how do you say? There's poo on you.
It ruins the vibe. Yeah.
It ruins the vibe. I can't tell her.
I think, I don't know. Right? And I knocked it off and I still haven't hung out with her since.
She doesn't know though. She doesn't know.
She does now. I think when I dropped her off, she probably looked at her shirt and goes, why is there, you know what I mean? Imagine she was embarrassed.
She's like, I went over to that guy's house with poop on my shirt. She didn't know it came from your house.
Oh shit. She could have thought she brought poop have just blamed her like hey bitch don't come over my house your fucking shirt why you have cat pee and poo on your back fucking shit shirt i don't think as quick as you spin it dude i have to spin those situations you have to be like get your shit shirt off my couch yeah it's like i used to when i was a kid me and my friend brian bradley we used to steal weed from this guy's house right yeah it's after we would steal it because we knew that we went to this dude went to work and we when he would come back from work we would go to his house and buy weed from him you'd steal it then buy it yeah we'd still and buy he goes and he would go look and he'd freak out like oh my weed's gone you're like well we'll pay you for some Yeah, and we go, let us help you.
Because if you're that guy, then you don't think that there are other people. No, why would they steal from me? They just bought from me.
Yeah. It's actually brilliant.
So I should do that with the cat pee-poo thing. 100%.
Spin it on him a little bit. Spin it.
You got to spin it, dude. One time I pretended to roll up a joint from this girl's weed at her birthday party when we were in England.
We went to like a random house party. Yeah.
And my buddy Travis was like rolling up the weed and the British guy was like, here you go. Here's our tin.
Roll up. You guys know how to roll up.
And he gave him like the whole tin of weed. Yeah.
And Travis looked at me and was like, let's get the fuck out of here. We took our tin of weed and we walked out.
Wow. So mean.
Wow. Yeah.
They were looking for you? It was a party. He thought he was like, because he was like the cool American guy's American guy Is gonna roll up a blunt What would you do We went to your party Carlos And we stole A tin of weed from you If you guys Literally did No just My name is Marcos Marcos Marcos We're from Spying And I'm Wilfred I'm from Sweden I feel like I'd be Legitimately really upset, what are you going to do about it, pussy? I'm Marco.
I'm from Sweden. Yeah, I need my weed back.
I want to be from the same country. Why do we have to be from a different country? Well, you don't know how to do accents.
I know, but I want to be... Okay, you're from Sweden.
Yeah, yeah. I'm Marcos.
I'm Marcos from Sweden. I'm Marcos from Sweden.
And I need my weed back because I'm addicted. No, we're not done.
No, it's just what we walk in. Just let us do that.
All right, go. I'm Marcos.
No. You are Marcos.
What? I'm Wilfred. You're a Marcos.
I'm a Marcos from Sweden. Hey, man.
You got any bud for us to smoke? You have the cockroach for us? No? Yeah, here's the whole thing. Cockroach, you know? Oh, is that called tin of your marijuana? A lot of marijuana, no.
Can we take it outside with us? Can we take it outside? Really? No, you do it right here. Oh, hold on.
Look. Oh.
Good. Good.
Because when you get him to look the other way. Yeah, you have to do that.
Right. Look over there.
So if you're at home, and if you're going to steal weed from somebody, just do the whole

look over there.

That never works,

don't they? Look over there. Yeah,

and then we would have to run. I bet you look over there

does work. What is that?

What is that?

And then you just walk away with the weed casually. You should say what it is.

What is that?

Ghost?

Too slow. What is that? What is that? Is that a crack in the foundation of the home? Get him to really start looking for something.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your lamp fixture's on fire.
Well, no, it'd have to be on fire then for it to be real. Oh, shit.
All right. It looks crooked.
Do a small meticulous detail. Let me try.
Give me another shot. Yeah, small detail.
Is that black mold on your tile?

On your sky tile?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

There's a hole in that grout in the corner.

There's a huge hole. I want to create my own though.

Please.

Is that grass growing inside your living room?

It's not.

They take two seconds to look and then they're like, no.

How about this?

I like your rug.

Where'd you get that?

West Elm. No.
But they're still looking at you. Oh, fuck.
I'm not good at it. No.
I'm not good at stuff like that. Try to look over there.
Look over there. There we go.
Gone. Gone.
Okay, anyway. Don't steal weed.
Don't steal weed. You know what? Steal it.
Steal it. Yeah, yeah.
Now that I think about it. I mean, who cares now? You can just go to the store and buy it.
There's way too many stores that sell weed, by the way. There was a weed store next to the Home Depot, and I was like, okay.
You know what's crazy? The accessibility. What is it for? I know.
It's like, really? But the accessibility of mushrooms now. Oh, yeah.
They're everywhere. Last night, the comedy was just laying around, big bags.
Well, you know what's how funny that is? So I get mushrooms every time I go to the comedy store. Yeah.
our friend carol that hooks us up that we love from new tropics and i i have a basket of party i have a party drug basket at my house so when people come over i always have weed for people mushrooms i've never seen this you're not invited i don't show it to you okay okay for very obvious reasons yeah i was just trying to think of when you were so when you were not sober i definitely didn't want to show it to you that bums me out well because you would consume at a rate that was probably dangerous i know i just thought that maybe we could add a fun night yeah but like together you just go too far yeah but like if you went too far with me that could be fun once yeah i mean i've been fucked up with you carlos i know we should just do it we part no we're not gonna part, we're not going to party. You're sober.
I know, I know. No more.
I know. I partied with you.
No more. We can't reminisce.
No enticing. Why can't I? Because that's against the fucking rules.
Partied together, dude. No more party stuff.
I have a basket of drugs at my house. And when the movers came to move us, the guy was like, hey, I'm so sorry.
I can't legally move drugs. No.
My wife was like, what are you talking about? He's like, there's a basket in the laundry room that's filled with drugs no yeah we have it for when people come over for parties wow because when i have people come over i'm always like here's drugs if you want them you know wow it's a courtesy it's a nice thing when am i when am i it's kind of rude i know you've been sick but you haven't invited me No one's come over to my house I just moved in

I literally just moved in

Am I gonna have a housewarming party?

Yeah

You guys got the invite

Didn't you?

Yeah

I didn't get anything

You didn't get anything?

The joke was that

I know

And I was doing a separate part

I know

It wasn't working

When you do offshoot jokes

I know

I was doing an offshoot

It never worked

I was doing an offshoot

Isn't that interesting

How far he's fallen?

He's fallen so bad

That's you falling far

Your instincts are wrong

Thank you. It wasn't working.
When you do offshoot jokes, it never works. Isn't that interesting how far he's fallen? He's fallen so bad.
It was an offshoot. I don't even think...
Whoa, dude. I don't even...
Don't joke around. I think you just said that.
I don't know. I understood it.
No, I, no, no. I understood the part.
Get your mind together, dude.

You can't fool a fooler.

You can't fool a fooler. You can't fool a fooler.

No, he's right.

Damn it.

Yeah.

By the way, this is stolen valor.

You're trying to act like you're a fooler.

You're not a fooler, bud.

Stolen valor.

You're not a fooler.

Yeah.

Don't fool a fooler.

Joan of Arc.

That's a real fucking fool right here.

Joan of Arc is valor, dude.

This is a grade A fucking foolhead.

You're not fooling a foolhead, pal. I'm foolish beyond my years.
Beyond. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like infinity foolishness. Oh my God, speaking of which, before we go any further, did we watch Terrence Howard on Joe Rogan? No.
Everyone in this fucking room has an assignment. You need to go home and watch this entire interview it's going to blow your fucking mind is terrence good better than good buddy better than good he's going he goes off he goes ham sam he's like the he is like a neuroscientific cat cat williams wow he's gone he's fucking awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, he's loopy poopy.
Look up one fucking clip of this guy. I can't wait.
Remember, they have a thing called zero. They go from one to zero to negative one.
There is no zero to even- Hold on. The guy that got fired from from iron man the amount of times i've sat in a garage in high school yeah getting stoned out of my fucking mind yeah and heard this in the background and then had to go i gotta get back to my mom's house yeah like the amount of times high in a garage in high school an xbox that's what i do But this is seriously, this conversation is happening right now in someone's garage.

Yeah.

Right now.

One guy's going,

the baptism was never stood still.

And then that's me too high going,

I got to go back to my mom's house.

I got to go get a Gatorade

at the gas station

and go back to my mom's house.

Or there was one guy going,

yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Not paying attention at all.

Doesn't know what the fuck

he just said.

He goes, I get it.

By the way,

this is how wonky this shit is.

Go halfway,

go halfway down.

Go halfway just in the middle

and now listen to where he's at

Thank you. Not paying attention at all.
Doesn't know what the fuck he just said. By the way, this is how wonky this shit is.
Go halfway down. Go halfway just in the middle and now listen to where he's at now.
Go ahead. I don't need anything else because they didn't want me to go and talk about this and that's why I went out there and said, hey, pull out your calculator.
Wow. What the fuck are we talking about? Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Pull out your calculator. You listen to the whole thing it's it's it's it's you know it's like it's like it's what i imagine reading the bible would be like wow it's eating the thickest piece of chocolate cake it's annoying as fuck i could i couldn't stop listening to it yeah yeah i was like what in the fuck the first recorded zero appeared in mesopotamia around 3 bc the mayans invented it independently, circa 4 AD.
He would have a twist on this.

Okay, okay.

Okay, I'm gonna be real for a second.

Can we just, I'm a lay person.

Ditto.

Excuse me?

I just said ditto, you fucking moron.

Okay.

That's an agreeance.

I'm saying me too.

Okay, let's have it.

Anyway.

Yeah, touche, my friend.

By the way, how far away is this show from that show polar opposite no i'm a peasant okay yeah same i'm a lay person and i don't i don't know what

the fuck that means so what does that mean what does what mean how was zero invented in mesopotamia

i think zero was something that was just like always a part of now he's saying zero is pub

they're saying it was publicly recognized as a thing that mayans used but is as calculation

Thank you. zero was something that was just like always a part of...
Now he's saying zero is... They're saying it was publicly recognized as a thing that Mayans used.

But is...

As calculation.

They had to make...

The idea of zero is something that's just a truth, no?

Now you're Terrence Howard.

Now you're Terrence Howard.

What I'm saying is that there's a caveman, right?

One caveman had three sticks.

Yeah.

I don't know what they collected.

Rocks. And one caveman didn't have any.
That's zero. They killed that guy.
You had nothing. Oh, you killed the guy with the zero.
Zero is dead. Right.
If you had nothing, you die. Am I? Okay, I guess.
You're not wrong. No, explain it to me, man.
What are you talking about? When they started to recognize zero as a numerical identification of nothing. So there was a point in time that no one really knew that.
There's a point in time when I'm sure it wasn't communicated clearly. Okay.
It's like gravity. It existed before people knew what it was.
I know, but that's my point. They used to use a blank space.
Look at that. They use a blank.
At first, they'd use a blank space to indicate nothing as a value. And when that grew confusing, they began using a pair of angled wedges as a placeholder for blank space oh this is the little circle of it yeah the symbol of it yeah the symbol you mean the zero yeah yeah yeah zero you know physically zero i'm so sorry maybe i'm like am i drowning no no honestly am i drowning am i are torn you're trying to figure out zero.
No, buddy, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's... Yeah.
Okay. It's relatively new.
It's only 3,000 years old. Also, God bless the guy for having a new enlightenment.
God bless America. Yeah, God bless America.
God bless Terrence Howard. He said he's going to reinvent the periodic table.
Wow. He said it's vertical and it's through sound.
Colors are sound. Wow.
Pretty cool. I hope it all comes true.
I googled when marriage became an institution. It's 4,300 years ago.
Yeah, it's been around for a long time. Yeah, but what did they do before? I know what they did.
What do you mean? Before marriage? What did they do? There were groups, right? Tribes. And like two or three alpha male dudes just pretty much fucked everybody.
Right. And then guys like me and Carlos and Andreas, not you, McCone.
I think you're one of the members. We were cucks or something.
We jerked off watching. You definitely, yeah, for sure.
Historically, you in another universe was cucking. You guys were cucking.
People like us invented a word. You know what that word is? Oh my God.
I get what I'm just saying. That's what happened, I think.
Yeah. You need to watch it.
I want to watch it.

I think it'll help me go to sleep.

Yeah, you're not going to retain any information.

Yeah, I don't think so.

What is this?

Evil laugh competition.

Oh, shit.

I would love to try. You would crush.

All right.

Let me hear. Now these guys are all practicing what they're going to do after they shoot up the school.
Yeah, yeah. That one's pretty good.
I'm an American thing. Just pause it.
What did he say? This is an American thing American thing no there's nerds all over the fucking world look at you you fucking nerd this is just a different kind of nerd you're a you're a visual fucking nerd these are sound dorks you like fucking cameras and all sorts of filming they wouldn't invite you to the party fuck yeah you wouldn't get invited wouldn't get invited. You're not even invited to that party, dude.

Yeah, because you'd have to bring a symbol. Let's do it.
Let's try.

A symbol.

You do one first.

No, you go first. You wanted to try.

Let me just...

Can I just... I've never done it before.

Well, let's hear one more.

I want to hear the last...

Yeah, yeah.

I want to see the landscape of it.

And they all want to fuck that chick.

All these nerds is this this is happening at a school what are they teaching these fucking kids all right pot deck all right let's hear your evil laugh I'm trying it oh go ahead just practice it no that's really good that was actually really fucking good you would have won that whole thing you do you go no no i want to no, I want to envision. I'm tied to it.
We're knocked out. I'm tied to a tree.
I'm in a forest, right? You know, what do they say whenever someone's like kidnapped? Their first word out of their mouth is always this. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? You know who I am? No.
i'm one of the hell's angels please don't kiss me oh i'm gonna kiss you baby please don't kiss me i'm gonna kiss you so hard yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's good yeah yeah that's good that's good right yeah that's like different that's my little hell's angel yeah that's really good kissy kissy yeah all right i gotta get on my bike that's really good yeah how funny would be to hell see a hell's angel fucking what bitch and then kiss the guy and then roll away well if they have the evil laugh there's other things they could probably do like climax competition yeah evil climax uh how about not evil sad climax well that's fucking i can do that one every time okay do it oh that's good. I had a two.

Yeah.

The first one, I think it's happening.

You little half shot, full shot.

But then once it happened, nothing happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what fancy sounds like?

What?

Honey nuts?

Oh, tell me.

Arriba.

Yeah, yeah.

Arriba.

Yeah, yeah.

What does my cum sound like?

I was gassed in the tank. Oh, no cap no cap Oh I gassed inside of your puss I gassed inside your puss No cap On God when he comes On God Gen Z coming Oh shit on God Your generation fucking sucks You're a bunch of fucking losers yeah um thank you for being a bad friend Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.