What Happened In Vegas w/ Dax Flame

Speaker 1 Pressure on it, like we gotta start out strong. We have, let's let's start off weak, okay.
Let's start off very then. Can I say something? Oh, god, you want to open the show?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, no, I just want to ask you a question.

Speaker 1 Okay, I love questions. Go ahead, yeah.
I didn't know you weren't on the same list as OJ Simpson.

Speaker 1 You made a list, yeah, this past weekend. You and O.J.
Simpson share. I know, but we can't talk about the legally they told me.
Oh,

Speaker 1 what do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, we started weak,

Speaker 1 okay. All right, so

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Let's move on to something else. Oh, so it's bull.

Speaker 1 It brings up so much bull.

Speaker 1 Oh, it just brings up all my trauma.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's talk about how my dad beat me again. God.
Well, let's talk about

Speaker 1 what? Who's in the studio today? It's John, Stone John. Stony John.
Stony John, and he's here, Joint John, John the Joint Man. He's here because Carlos and McCone both got the flu in Vegas.

Speaker 1 And when Asians get high, their eyes are completely closed. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 How do you drive? Like,

Speaker 1 how do you do that? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 A stoned Asian driver. You drive better? Driving?

Speaker 1 Or focusing. Widescreen.
A stoned Asian driving? No, thanks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's a pass for me.
Yeah. I love stony Asians.
You drive better.

Speaker 1 But, dude, have you ever seen a meth Asian?

Speaker 1 They clip the out of bonsai trees.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, better than Mr. Miyagi.
Way better. Really? Yeah, you don't know that? That foul.
I'm not around a lot of meth Asian. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, dude, imagine if you had meth back in the samurai days.

Speaker 1 Wow. One samurai just going crazy.
He'd make a sword in like five minutes. You know, it used to take them forever to like...
Five minutes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He would cut himself, right? It would turn in a scab, and then he would just pull it out and eat it.
Because meth people. Okay.
And

Speaker 1 meth people they eat also could i say something about uh any was there meth back then i don't know when was crystal meth invented

Speaker 1 well i mean look we had to have some form of this there had to be some form floating around right yeah

Speaker 1 well this methamphetamine has probably been around for a long time that that chemical makeup of methamphetamine it's all science isn't it it's all science yeah yeah you know if i had a time machine i would take fentanyl hmm no just hear me out loads of it What era are you going back to?

Speaker 1 The 17th century. You're going to go back to the 17th century? What is that? Is that far? Is that far? That's.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, how far? When is it? I mean,

Speaker 1 America was still around, right?

Speaker 1 No, that wasn't. Declaration of Independence.
That's 1800, right? No, 1776. 1776.

Speaker 1 I go. 1776.

Speaker 1 An Asian Korean guy with a bag of fentanyl. But what's from a time magazine? What century is 1776? The 17th century.

Speaker 1 Did you go? No, it's not. One more.
Is it 20th century? 18th century. It's just one more up.
20th century. 19th century.
It's the 18th century. You already said it.
18th, 18th. 18th century.

Speaker 1 18th century. Oh, 1876.
18th century. Oh, my bad.
In 1776, you're going back to the 19th century. You said 1776.
That's 17th century, no? No. Okay, my bad.
0 to 99.

Speaker 1 History, man.

Speaker 1 That's not history. That's math.
Anyway, I show up. Whatever.

Speaker 1 Time. No, shut up.
Time machines have a button.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I go

Speaker 1 one,

Speaker 1 seven, seven, six, right? I'm sorry. The stickers are too fat for the machines.
No. And I go, go get the,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Flux capacitor.

Speaker 1 Right? To Marty. Yeah.
Marty runs up. Okay.
Okay, boss. Okay, boss, right? Stick it in there.
Get the

Speaker 1 electricity.

Speaker 1 Is it raining yet? Right? It's got to rain, right? Got to rain. Right.
I got to bring it to 89. You know, right? Put the fennel in.
The fennel's in. Now I'm

Speaker 1 1776. And I'm in

Speaker 1 Bakersfield. Doesn't exist yet.
I know, but I'm there. Well, it's okay, it's you and natives then.
Exactly. I get them hooked first.
Oh,

Speaker 1 dude. You're doing what we did last time.
Yeah, no. Just doing it again? But I'll hook.
Am I going to get in trouble for saying this? History

Speaker 1 does repeat itself. It does.
Yeah. No, I'm not giving them smallpox.

Speaker 1 Something way worse. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Fentanyl.
Oh, that's true. No, I should go East Coast.
Boston. Boston.
Okay, stay in. Okay, Boston.
The Tea Party. The Tea party.

Speaker 1 Dude, tea and fentanyl? We don't even know what that combo does.

Speaker 1 That's a great. There should be a fucking little shop in France that shows, that has fentanyl in tea.
Anyway, my point is. Do you like tea with your fentanyl?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Have green tea with your fentanyl? And then you would make a killing because they've never heard of opiates.
Yeah, but money is worthless then. It's worth less than.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you get like gold teeth. Oh, you could get gold teeth.
They trade, right? Gold tea, the wooden leg. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 You want some fentanyl? Give me your gold tooth, wooden leg, and one of those feathery pens. You can get those anywhere.
I know, but from.

Speaker 1 If you went to a bank back then, did their pens attached to chains have feathers on them still?

Speaker 1 That'd be so funny if you stole one of the feathery pens. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's not your feathery pens.

Speaker 1 That belongs to the bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I thought about? I would go back in time with heavily, heavy artillery, like real guns, real guns. Before they had it.
Back to the gold rush days and just rob everybody.

Speaker 1 They had guns then. Yeah, Yeah, not like I'm we have we have fucking I could have an AR-15.
I could have a bazooka. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Give us your gold. Give us your gold.

Speaker 1 Load it.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Think about it, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, if we could go back and rob anything or anywhere, I mean, obviously you'd want to rob Fort Knox, right? That's the ultimate goal. Do you know what that is? Of course I know what Fort Knox is.

Speaker 1 What century is that one in? We still have it. That's right.
What is it? It's where they put the money. That's where where they put the gold, the gold bars.
And we know that's not true. It's not true.

Speaker 1 But that's in folklore. That's where they keep alien bodies, in my opinion.
I think Fork Knox is filled with

Speaker 1 top secret shit. We're not supposed to get to.
Yeah. Because everyone thinks it's an Area 51.
No, thank you. I think it's Studio 76.

Speaker 1 Studio City? Studio 76. 54? No, it's today.
Studio 54. Studio 54.

Speaker 1 Is there Studio 54 where they have the fucking aliens? Yeah. No, is that? Is it what it is?

Speaker 1 No, what is it? Area 54? Area 51.

Speaker 1 I always,

Speaker 1 oh my God.

Speaker 1 I've used Studio 5

Speaker 1 in reference to aliens before in conversations. I know, yeah.
Thinking it's the same thing. And people have been looking.
I remember people going,

Speaker 1 what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, it's in Arizona. They go, it's New York.
They should have opened up a Studio 51 in Area 51.

Speaker 1 A coked-out nightclub to see aliens. Dude, look at this guy's arms.

Speaker 1 You know, I saw the other day on TikTok, too, by the way, someone was dissecting how we think dinosaurs look a certain way.

Speaker 1 And she was like, I'm a biologist. And she was like, this doesn't even make sense.
The way that they've thought dinosaurs look, or the way we draw them, it's basically skin on bone.

Speaker 1 She's like, that's not,

Speaker 1 you have, there's tons of cartilage and fat and all sorts of stuff and muscle. She was like, a dinosaur is basically the shape of the bone structure with a little bit of,

Speaker 1 you know, outlining. She goes, but look at your nose.
If you remove your nose from your face, it's a fucking hole. So this is just all cartilage.

Speaker 1 But they didn't account for like random pieces of things sticking off of the dinosaur. So she's like, they didn't look anything like that.

Speaker 1 Oh, what you're saying is like we've just guessed what we think that she should do. Do they have big noses?

Speaker 1 What did you just say? Do they have big noses? There's Jewish dinosaurs. There was.

Speaker 1 There was.

Speaker 1 You know, we'll be extinct someday. And how do they hold the money?

Speaker 1 Little hands.

Speaker 1 can we control?

Speaker 1 You can, yeah, we got it, got cut off, yes, no,

Speaker 1 Stacey's Jewish. Do you approve? Are you Jewish, Stacey? I am.

Speaker 1 You approve? She approves. Okay, she approves.
See? Yeah, it's all in good fun. It's all in good fun.
Look, if there was Asian dinosaurs, let's do that then.

Speaker 1 If you want to go down the line, oh, what do you mean? Aurora.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, by the way, an Asian, just Asian-eyed dinosaur is so funny to me. That's such a funny name.

Speaker 1 And their nails are immaculate. Yeah, so nice.

Speaker 1 The Vietnamese did this war for me.

Speaker 1 When they swipe the prey and they're in their hands, they're like, wow.

Speaker 1 Beautiful nails. Wow.

Speaker 1 Asian dinosaurs. We lost a couple of our employees over the weekend in Vegas getting too sick.
These guys stayed out all night. You should see.
We got them passes to the chain smokers.

Speaker 1 McCone was up next to the stage. He was wearing a mechanics uniform, by the way.
They left him to a nightclub. He's wearing a mechanics onesie, like a one-zip-up.
McCone was. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know that. And Carlos was a good boy.
I didn't know that was even a chain smoker thing. The chain smokers in Vegas, you did know we were going to see the chain smokers.

Speaker 1 We literally said it 50 times. Nope.
Everyone in the room has proof. I was in my hotel room.
No, dude, you were in the room with Shea Matash, and what's the other gentleman's name that you brought?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That was a nut.
Okay, so I'm going to just say something. I apologize for.

Speaker 1 May I apologize for something? oh fucking please

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 first of all vegas great show

Speaker 1 in fact i mean i don't think the mgm liked me but we can't wait to go back to the mgm you can't you can't wait i can't wait yeah yeah you can't go you have to wait i have to wait

Speaker 1 so um

Speaker 1 so you know afterwards it's our last u.s show You know what I mean? We may do more in the future. 59 Cities is what I think they tallied up.
59 Cities. Crazy.
Great show.

Speaker 1 Afterwards, everyone came out. I had some friends from Vegas, Shama, Tosh, who's a comedian who I used to room with in L.A.
30 years ago. You know what I mean? She came by.
She was red, so nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she opens for Carrot Top. She's a great impressionist.
My point being is, is this, okay?

Speaker 1 You have your family there. We have, also, you know who I love? The fucking watchmaker's family.
Christine. I talked to her for like 20 minutes.
Well, she's not a watchmaker. She sells them.

Speaker 1 Just call her a watchmaker.

Speaker 1 It makes it better. Watchmaker, watchmaker, make me a watch.
I feel like she has one of those little things and she's in there. Well, they definitely have one of those things.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 What are those little things?

Speaker 1 Like that? You know what they're called? What? Drop glops. Oh, so he has a drop glop? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, families, kids running around. Beautiful, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then a week before, Paula, like, dude,

Speaker 1 my friend wants to go. Paulie hit you up? Yeah.
And I go, all right, who's your friend? I can't, right?

Speaker 1 Beautiful woman.

Speaker 1 So I go, i'll get her backstage right no you got her backstage i got her backstage

Speaker 1 so as soon as i

Speaker 1 look she's a nice lady she was very nice very nice lady but

Speaker 1 she did something where she was like i'm gonna get here from i'm gonna i know she has my number i'm gonna hear well let's hear it now she was just like who does this

Speaker 1 cocaine anyone

Speaker 1 well that's actually really polite oh that's true i mean it's gee but off of your finger fingernail or finger was there a fingernail or finger it was like it was almost Her finger was so sweaty, it was like blotched on.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. It was surrounded her pinkish.
If she wet in a couple of minutes, she's like, crack

Speaker 1 solidifies. Yeah, yeah.
And people are like, oh, no thanks. Like, I've never, I don't know.
Have you been offered cocaine before? Yeah, what the fuck? I've never been offered cocaine.

Speaker 1 I mean, because maybe I'm sober. You're sober.
Oh, that's right. I mean, I don't do cocaine.
Everyone who knows me knows that, but I wouldn't, I've been offered it still from people.

Speaker 1 When's the last time you did cocaine? I've never done cocaine. Do you not know this? My father went to prison because he had a cocaine addiction.
One time, I mean, he's known me for 15 years.

Speaker 1 You have to be curious. I've never done cocaine.
Well, my dad liked this, though. Maybe I don't like it, you know?

Speaker 1 I met him. He's a great guy.

Speaker 1 When did you? Oh, in Chicago. Chicago.
Yeah, great guy. No, no, he loved cocaine.
He loved the

Speaker 1 you've never done anything white in your nose. Except for women.
Oh,

Speaker 1 in my nose? Yeah, yeah. In my nose? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever snorted anything.

Speaker 1 I think, I mean, I've eaten stuff. I mean, pills and all that bullshit.
Would you never smoked crack?

Speaker 1 That's not snorting. I don't think I've smoked crack.
No, I'm thinking about it. Well, do you think I'm so.
I'll tell you what I did one time like a fucking moron. What?

Speaker 1 You know, the hookahs, you know, smoking hookah? You know how they put like the charcoal thing on there? One time I smoked some of that.

Speaker 1 Like the dumbest. I was like 17 years old.

Speaker 1 I think I smoked the charcoal nugget. It was so bad.
We didn't know how to use it. What do I? I'm not a desert dude.

Speaker 1 So I just want to say I had to try to get her out of that. It was very polite of of her to offer cocaine.
I do think if you're at a party and you have cocaine, you should offer it. You do?

Speaker 1 You're supposed to.

Speaker 1 It's a party drug. Yeah.
It's not a solo drug. I think, but, you know, being a sober guy, I just can't hook up with Cokey Coke people.
Heroin feels like a solo drug.

Speaker 1 Oh, so she was said, if she went, anybody want to tie off?

Speaker 1 I've never, yeah, that would be crazy. That would be out of pocket.
Would you hold the rope if she was like, oh, you hold this? If she was hot, like super hot. Hold the rope.

Speaker 1 And you always going to get some action. Hold the line.
I'd hold the rope. I don't think you should hook up with anybody who is currently using no, clearly.
To me. I don't.
You're saying that to me?

Speaker 1 Yes. Who else am I talking about? Why not?

Speaker 1 What? Why don't I think you should hook up with someone who's currently using drugs? Yeah, why not?

Speaker 1 It's detrimental to you and the program. Well, people drink around me.
I don't care. People barely drink around you.
No. In fact, we don't drink around you much.

Speaker 1 I don't almost ever drink around you ever. You should because it doesn't affect me.
Yeah, but I do it out of respect because I don't. And I also don't need to enough to do it in front of you.

Speaker 1 I don't care. Dude, I dated a girl a month ago.
She goes, can I smoke weed in your car? I'm like, yeah, smoke. Yeah, I don't know why you're in a hot.
I don't give a fuck. No, you should not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You're hot.
Go smoke. My friend Joey, no, don't smoke.
I'm sober. Watching.

Speaker 1 Do whatever you want. You know what I mean? It's so funny if you pulled over, made her smoke weed outside, then get back in.

Speaker 1 Get out, then get in. I don't think you should dated people that are using drugs actively.
Okay. It's just my opinion.
I might be wrong. It's interesting.
What would the program say?

Speaker 1 The program does that. There's nothing in the program that says that.
Is there something in the program that says in the first year or so to not date someone in the program? Isn't that a whole thing?

Speaker 1 In the program. well, it's not in the book, but it's, it's kind of like one of those, they say, do not get in a relationship within the first year of survival.
Any relationship.

Speaker 1 Well, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? So it's like you wait 12 months. And then you can dabble.
You can dabble. And

Speaker 1 like if I was a,

Speaker 1 if I had a sponsee who's sober, new, sober, and I said, um,

Speaker 1 He goes, can I date? I go, yeah. And then at 12 months, I would probably go, but no one in the program, probably.

Speaker 1 That's a healthy thing, I think. No, you see a lot of it work, but it's like the worst is when you're dating somebody and you fall in love in the program.

Speaker 1 And the next thing you know, you find that they relapsed.

Speaker 1 Right. What do you do?

Speaker 1 You relapse? No, no, you.

Speaker 1 Party time? No, you, it's hard, man. You have to first, because it's a disease.
So you can't just go, I'm out.

Speaker 1 You got to go, can we figure this out? Do you need to go somewhere? You want to help them? Because I can't live, you know what I mean, like this. I can't be, because then you become an enabler.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's in a completely different program. You know, so it's like, I think you would do like a little intervention.
And then.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of people I've known in my life who have gone through that have had that predicament where they have to, they're put in a position where someone that they're in love with or friends with or family that they're using and they used to use, and then they have to walk them slowly back to not using.

Speaker 1 But then you compromise your own safety and security. But that's a that is a cool thing to do.
Yeah. But it's also very dangerous for you.

Speaker 1 Ergo, I don't think you should be dating anybody who's currently using.

Speaker 1 Ergo.

Speaker 1 What? What?

Speaker 1 Ergo. Ergo, you shouldn't.
I'm making a point, Your Honor.

Speaker 1 Ergo. Ergo, it's a new Airbud movie.
It's with. No, what is it? I've literally never heard of that.
You'll have to see in The Matrix. Ergo.
Ergo. Okay.
What does it mean, though?

Speaker 1 Do you know what Ergo means? They're for. It means therefore.
It's like

Speaker 1 and to rap, and to summarize. Wow.
I know. I was an English minor.

Speaker 1 You were, yeah. You're good with words.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I'm literally

Speaker 1 honestly, dude. I really got stuck on Erigo.
Yeah, I saw your face. Yeah, once you said that, it put me into a completely different panic.
I think you thought it was from Star Trek, Deep Space Man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was thinking, where have I heard that before? But then, like, in the context of what you said, I'm trying to figure out why that. You're like, what episode did Ergo pop in?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Ergo.
Yeah, exactly. Okay, you learn something new every day.
Hospitality.

Speaker 1 You know what that is, I feel like. Two weeks I found out.
You just learned what hospitality means? It has to do with hospitals. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't have to do with hospitals.

Speaker 1 I know that now. I know that now.
But I never bothered to memorize the word hospitality because of the fact that like I'm 52 years old?

Speaker 1 Okay, how about so? When I say the phrase hospo, what do you think I was talking about? Like, when I was a bad person, it's like ergo. I just kind of let it go.
You let it go

Speaker 1 all these years.

Speaker 1 Like, if someone says baseballio,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Like, I was being baseballio, right? And you're, and in your mind, you're like, it has something to do with baseball, so I'm not going to memorize that. But it's not at all.

Speaker 1 I know. To be bespollio

Speaker 1 needs to be rude to someone below you. Right.
Right. I know that now.
Do not bespalio someone else. I will not bespalio you.
You know what I mean? Yeah, good.

Speaker 1 But like, hospitality was one of those where I just, you know, because the word hospital is in it, oh, I'm not a nurse. I don't need need to memorize that word.

Speaker 1 But then when I, once I figure it out, right, I'm like, oh, it's, it's, it's a part of, you know,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Wheelhouse. It is.
All the words now I can use. It's so funny to have that he goes on a date with a nurse.
And he's like, so you work in hospitality.

Speaker 1 And she's like, I know, that's what I would. Kind of, not really, but kind of.
I know, that's what I, honestly, that's what I'm doing. But a nurse does work in hospitality

Speaker 1 in a way.

Speaker 1 Right? Like, Andresis's wife

Speaker 1 works kind of, and I, by the way, I ran into them having lunch. Yeah.
Cutest shit on earth.

Speaker 1 Him and his wife. Yeah, yeah.
His wife is fucking beautiful. She's beautiful.
Smart and sweet and cool, and she fucks that guy. Yeah, I know.
It shocks my soul. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I see her, it almost makes me mad. Well, it actually makes me believe in God because something else has to be going on.
Well, no, I think here's what it is.

Speaker 1 And I don't know much about their relationship, but this is what happened. Your wife, beautiful woman.

Speaker 1 You know, he asked her to be in his movie in Spain too, by the way. I know.
He won't let it go. Okay.
Yeah, we're not doing it. But my point is:

Speaker 1 your wife, let me just guess.

Speaker 1 Through her years, she dated hot dudes.

Speaker 1 Let me finish. I'm sure she had.
Are you projecting? Whoa.

Speaker 1 He's starting a war. Be careful, buddy.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 Do you want me in your movie?

Speaker 1 I didn't say anything. What? No, no.

Speaker 1 My wife wife, they did hot dudes. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And these hunt dudes fucked her over.

Speaker 1 I mean, she went on their messages. You know what I mean? There's fucking messages from motherfucking.
A lot of pro-athletes. Right, right.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's a lot going on. Her heart's broken year after year.
Probably 80 dudes. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Over the years. The Clippers.

Speaker 1 Broken.

Speaker 1 The entire Clipper team. The Clipper team.
And the Clipper girls. Right.

Speaker 1 And then she goes to therapy or something, and the therapist says, well, why don't you just go low?

Speaker 1 Go real low. Yeah, go real low.

Speaker 1 She's like, how low? And they go, did you see the new J.J. Abrams Star Wars?

Speaker 1 Well, it's so funny.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And she's like, I guess. Actually, I ran it.
And she said, no, no, I'm just going to tell you. There is an animal in there called the porg.

Speaker 1 And there are these flying birds. And Chewbacca eats one.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 There are so many humans with that body. And scientifically, they don't get, you know what I mean, they don't fuck people over.
Right. So

Speaker 1 Mary a porg. maria porg that she did she find

Speaker 1 what are you doing what are you doing

Speaker 1 what are you doing dude i'm doing a show right now i'm looking for the tv's off anyway the tv's off you guys yeah yeah anyway is that what happened i'll tell you speaking of going low yeah today i saw a basset hound must have been how old was that basset hound do we think what do we say maybe 15 How old did they live?

Speaker 1 I don't even know. But it was so old, but he kept his balls.
And the Bassett Hound, because you know how they're low to the ground. They're long, but low.

Speaker 1 His balls were literally dragging on like Joey Diaz.

Speaker 1 They were dragging. Yeah, cock, sucker.

Speaker 1 Bark, bark, suck, sucker.

Speaker 1 They were dragging on the ground. I'm not even kidding.
They swayed back and forth and they were hitting the concrete. You like that? I thought it was cool.
I think it's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 I think it's cool that he kept the balls of the dog because I will say this:

Speaker 1 one of the biggest regrets of my life, I'm not kidding,

Speaker 1 is that we

Speaker 1 nipped up our dog. I wish that she could have puppies.
And I'm bummed that we did. I wish we let her have puppies.
You can reverse it. No, you can't.
They can do it with men.

Speaker 1 It's not that. Oh, that's an aphisectomy.
It's a male dog. It's an aphise to me.
Oh, it's a woman. Yeah, man.
Okay, my bad. You know it's a woman.

Speaker 1 A little tiny, strong black woman. Yeah, black woman.
That's right.

Speaker 1 In my house, I have a little, tiny, hairy, strong black woman.

Speaker 1 So she can't have babies. Mm-mm.

Speaker 1 That's what I say when I ask her. All right.
I say, Cubby, can you have a baby? She goes,

Speaker 1 not after what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if you can reverse it, what do you do?

Speaker 1 You better get away from me with that shit. That's what she says.
You go to a dog park and just go, go, go, go. No, you're a beautiful, like, little.
Well, first of all, I put her in a little dress.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I give her a little bit of smell good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she walks on little doggy heels. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I set her up. We find someone.
We find another dog that's applicable.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, I wish we did be able to get her puppies.
It kind of bums me out. I like to this day, I'm like, why did we fucking do that? Well, let me say something to you.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you want her to get her doggy period? I get one thing better than you

Speaker 1 for you. I mean, I mean, God, you get so Chinese in these markets.
Ergo, Ergo, Ergo, Ergo, Ergo,

Speaker 1 hospitality.

Speaker 1 Guess what, guy? What? Don't do this. Well, speed it up.
I will. Clone.

Speaker 1 You know, the clone? How much does a clone cost? Because we talked about this. You can do it now.
I can clone my dog for like what? How much is it? 15 grand? 15 grand now. Wow.
Clone, dude.

Speaker 1 Should we do it? I mean, I honestly,

Speaker 1 let's do an experiment to see if it works. To clone one of our dogs? Yeah.
I would 100% be into it. What do you guys think? Let's clone a dog.
It costs $50,000. 5'0?

Speaker 1 Dude, what happened to your voice, Barry White? What the fuck?

Speaker 1 It goes $50,000,000. Why is your voice like that? I just had fun in my throat.
Okay, clear your throat right now. All right, now I'll say how much it costs.
$50,000. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Will you say it like an Asian guy, though, please? $50,000.

Speaker 1 No. It wouldn't say dollars, would they? What would they say? Dala.
Yeah. Yeah, dollar.
$50,000. Thank you.
$50,000. That's still...

Speaker 1 That's a lot of fucking money, dude. $50,000? That's a fucking car.
I know, but this is what I would do.

Speaker 1 And $35,000, it says

Speaker 1 for cats. This is what we're going to do.

Speaker 1 We do one special... This is a couple of months down the road.
We do one special night at the Irvine Improv. We do two shows on a Sunday, you and I.
And it's charity all for our dogs?

Speaker 1 To To clone one dog.

Speaker 1 Okay. I think we can make it up then.

Speaker 1 I mean, and then we clone it. So we have people donate during the show, not the ticket sales, but donate.
No, the ticket sales goes toward it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we ask the club for all the ticket sales because it's going to go towards the dog. The dog.
The cloning of a dog. Good idea.
Yeah. I think it's a great idea.
Are you being sarcastic?

Speaker 1 Because sometimes I feel like you're.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Very good.
Don't.

Speaker 1 Very much not. No, very much so.
Very much don't do it. Ergo, fuck you.
Hospitality, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Even if you didn't get it out, it still is funny.

Speaker 1 Hospitality, fuck you.

Speaker 1 So anyway, yeah, so we were talking about something before all this rant. But let me say this.
I tried to make Matchmaker the other night at the comedy store.

Speaker 1 You go from topic to

Speaker 1 my mind. I'm brilliant.
You are brilliant. Thanks.

Speaker 1 I tried to play Matchmaker at the comedy store the other night, and dude, I thought it was good. Wasn't it? Didn't it seem like it was going good? So I had cash in my pocket.
I offered them.

Speaker 1 All the cash in my pocket. What's Matchmaker?

Speaker 1 Fuck. What's hospitality? What's Matchmaker?

Speaker 1 yeah matchmaker you you try to match two people together god bless yeah who though give me that information in the audience i'm getting there oh so you're in all right so anyone listening they get it already i guarantee you they get it

Speaker 1 go ahead two people in the front row of the store and and and he was like a young handsome kid she was a good-looking chick and i talked just looked at him he was wearing like a weird shirt and then i said uh

Speaker 1 who is this to you

Speaker 1 and then he's like we don't know each other they sat us together we're singles and i was like,

Speaker 1 well, let's, I mean, let's make love. Let's find love tonight.
Was she attractive? They both were. Fantastic.
He was in the military. Good.

Speaker 1 That face was really funny. No, I just.
You went like this. Good.
No,

Speaker 1 don't get it wrong. And you're reading it wrong.
Am I? Well, then play the tape back. No,

Speaker 1 play the tape back, and you'll see this. What branch?

Speaker 1 That's what that face was. That's not what you said.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say it again.
He was in the military. What branch?

Speaker 1 I get it. Curious.
Marine. Could be a Navy site? Marine Corps.
Beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I said to her, I said, Where do you live? She says, Orange County. He lives in San Diego.
I said, This is right near each other.

Speaker 1 And I said, I'll give you the money in my pocket to go on a date. Didn't I say this? I had a bunch of money in my pocket.
I was ready to do it.

Speaker 1 And I said, I'm going to do this if you're really genuinely going to go on a date. And she went like this.

Speaker 1 And then they sat next to each other

Speaker 1 for the rest of the show. Oh,

Speaker 1 dude. But then you read him wrong.
No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 He was into it.

Speaker 1 No, I. He didn't seem like she wasn't into it.
I know you're not on. Can I just go one quickly? Our friend is not on camera and she's thumbsing me up.
Yeah, so Stacey, could I just ask one question?

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Was he hot?

Speaker 1 It was hard to see, but he pulled up his shirt and he did have a hot. He had a great body.
Great. Good enough.
But he was handsome. He wasn't hot.
He was a handsome kid, and she was good looking.

Speaker 1 By the way, they were in the same league. Oh, you know bug leagues.
They were both. Yeah.
You know, they both were in. What league am I in?

Speaker 1 League of his own. Yeah, league of their own.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with you, there is crying in baseball.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell now that I fucking.
Well, don't lead me to water. You don't want me to drink it.

Speaker 1 You're the kid from the Sandlot.

Speaker 1 Which one? The fat one. Oh, fuck you.
Red Harrison kind of weird. He's a lawyer now, I think.

Speaker 1 He's married to my ex-girlfriend. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 Patrick Renna, right? Yeah. He's killing it.
No, that's you. That looks just like you.
Okay, I'm Madonna. If we did this again, that'd be you, and I'd be Madonna.
Oh, if you're a if okay,

Speaker 1 yeah, oh, did they do it? Oh, they should do an Oceans 11, but like reverse and do that with that movie and all men.

Speaker 1 We they did Oceans 11, it was all men. No, but they did a women version of that.
Yeah, they did Oceans, uh, what was it, 13 or something? Eight, Oceans Eight. Yeah, have to be a little less.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they do all male, a remake, a 2024 remake of A League of Its Own, but like switch it to men. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And make a different period.

Speaker 1 1700s.

Speaker 1 1734, whatever we said. You know what you could play? It's a fentanyl in a new movie.

Speaker 1 You could play Shohei Otani's little illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble. Shohei Otani plays the Dodgers.
He got in trouble. His buddy got in trouble for gambling with his money.

Speaker 1 You could play him in the movie.

Speaker 1 If they ever make a movie about that, I hope you do.

Speaker 1 And do we have any big Asian friends that are like 6'4? Who could play Shohei? Who do we know that's like a tall Asian?

Speaker 1 Oh, I know. Who?

Speaker 1 Yao Ming. Not our friend.
Our friend. I know Yao Ming.
You don't fucking know Yao Ming.

Speaker 1 You do not. Look at this.
That's him and his buddy got in trouble. That's you 100% on the right.

Speaker 1 That is fucking

Speaker 1 dude. Yeah, it is.
That's you if you were in Japan. That is literally what you would look like if you were Japanese.
How did he get in trouble? He was gambling a fuckload of his money.

Speaker 1 What was the total? It was like 45 million of his money.

Speaker 1 Wait, he was gambling the baseball players' money? Shohei's money. Yeah.
Wow. Now, here's the real story.
Was Shohei drunk? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's the real story.

Speaker 1 Who knows whether or not Shohei knew if he was gambling or if he was with gambling with him, and then this guy took the fall. Wow.
Oh, I see. Roughly $160,000 per bet.
That's so. That's insane.

Speaker 1 You know who was going off the

Speaker 1 betting like crazy? What? Did I talk about this already

Speaker 1 at Vegas? Brian Baumgartner from the office who played Kevin.

Speaker 1 Him and a bunch of guys were at the high roller table. He can gamble.
That motherfucker had stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of chips. He can play.

Speaker 1 Multiple hands, you know, doing the quick thing.

Speaker 1 It was impressive to watch. And then I saw that, and then they were like, hey, come sit down.
I was like, I'll go find the $20 table.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't. I'm not going to.
Yeah. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, $3,000.

Speaker 1 Like, dude, guys around them were betting $3,000 to $5,000 a hand. No.

Speaker 1 Did he make that much money on the office? Yeah, Blake Griffin goes, those residuals must have been really.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he must have. I mean, if he was a showrunner, I think maybe, but it's like, that's a lot of fucking money, dude.
Yeah, $5,000 a hand is wow. But also, maybe that's his shit.

Speaker 1 Gambling might be his thing. But if he's good at it and he can make a profit, then

Speaker 1 that's his thing. He was killing it, I guess.
If I go $250, $300, I'm out. I go to bed.
$300? Yeah. I've seen you.
I saw you win one time. You won $100 on on a slot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that made your whole weekend. I know.
I'm like, I'm out. You know what I mean? You're going to lose in the longest.
Get a Jolly Rancher or whatever and go to sleep, you know?

Speaker 1 Jolly Ranch. Yeah, yeah.
Look at his head. So you saw him? Yeah, he played in the golf tournament that we played.
Was he nice? He's a great guy. Yeah, yeah.
Great guy. Great guy, great gambler.

Speaker 1 Everybody was nice. I've met a couple of people from that show.
I've never met Steve Carell, have you?

Speaker 1 I've never met him. I've been introduced to him one time to say hello, but you know what I mean? One of those like, hey, Steve, this is.
I've never even seen him in the flesh. That's because he's.

Speaker 1 I've never seen Will Farrell in the flash. I've seen him in the flesh.
I used to coach

Speaker 1 kids' soccer, and his kids would come to see me. I remember you told me that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he would come, and I was so on. My little squad was Ryan Philippe's kid with

Speaker 1 what's her name? What's wrong with me? Yeah. Rhys Witherspoon.
Wow. Their kid used to be in that, too.
So you see Ryan? You go, hey, Mr. Philippe.
No, I didn't say a fucking word. Oh, you were quiet.

Speaker 1 You stared at my shoes. I know.

Speaker 1 I've been there. I just didn't want that.
Because I was a young nobody actor and I didn't want to be like, hey, I'm trying to be an actor. I didn't want to bear, especially because he's hot as fuck.

Speaker 1 What do you know about soccer, though?

Speaker 1 They're fucking children. Kick it.
Run. Go.
Go. No, no, no, no.
There's like tactics.

Speaker 1 Not when there's your defensive midfielder. They're five.
What? They're five. They throw the ball.
Right back. Help out.
They're an attack, but then you fall back left.

Speaker 1 What do you do? The goalie. You don't know shit.
The goalie would be. Oh, am I yelling? The goalie would be eating.

Speaker 1 She would just be sitting. Put down a sandwich.
I just wanted to go. She put her sandwich.
All right. Oh, women.
Girls. Mixed.
It was boys and girls. Doesn't make no sense.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about? Makes no sense. Have you ever seen kids play sports? No.

Speaker 1 Five-year-old kids, they throw them all together. They let them go.
I used to be a lifeguard. It was just kids in the pool.
Did a few of them die? That's why I don't have kids. Yeah, big fucking deal.

Speaker 1 That's why I don't have kids. That's not why.

Speaker 1 It's because you like anal.

Speaker 1 I told you you can't make kids in in the pooper. I've told you that like a hundred times.
You have too much sex with girls in the butt. I've never had kids.
Hair go.

Speaker 1 You don't have kids. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wow, you're using it in a sentence. See? Thank you so much.
Keep doing it. Do it three more times throughout the rest of the podcast, and then I'll learn.
It's a beautiful thing.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is that how.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry. I thought they were saying hi.

Speaker 1 What I'm asking you is: if I have a child,

Speaker 1 okay,

Speaker 1 little,

Speaker 1 you know what? I'm going to be the best dad imaginable.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Will you quit doing that? What?

Speaker 1 I didn't know what that means. Like, you're praying that he's going to be alive or what? What is this? I just have an itch.
I'm itching my arm. I hope he's a nervous tick.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If I have a child and my.

Speaker 1 My son goes.

Speaker 1 My son goes,

Speaker 1 Papa.

Speaker 1 I go, don't call me that.

Speaker 1 Already. Why?

Speaker 1 Already weird? Why are you being mean to the kid? He's just saying Poppy. I want Poppy.
I'm the kid. Papa?

Speaker 1 Yes, Giltroy.

Speaker 1 Why did you name me Giltroy?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know. Shane Gillis, half, right? And Troy Duffy.
He's a director. Love.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So where is Mama? Oh, Mama?

Speaker 1 She's in Hawaii. Let's me leave it at that.

Speaker 1 He's somewhere in Hawaii. Let's leave it at that, son.
Yeah, Giltroy. Are you ever going to get me another mama?

Speaker 1 No, yes. Because some of the whores you bring over are great.
Carlos is not a whore.

Speaker 1 Carlos. And they offer me cocaine.
Herrera is on. Cocaine, and I'm seven.
Carlos offers you cocaine?

Speaker 1 I could never have him as a babysitter. Okay.
But I would look at you, Giltroy, and say, ask me if you want to play soccer.

Speaker 1 If you can play soccer. Papa.
Papi, but Papa's fine. Papi?

Speaker 1 Okay. May I play soccer? Son, let me tell you something.
Yes?

Speaker 1 He's such a polite kid. Yeah, he's such a sweetheart.
He's too sweet. No, he's serious.
He's too sweet. Make him a little bit more fucked up.
No, be nice to him. It's his kid.
Oh, it's your kid.

Speaker 1 It's my kid. My kid went a goat.
All right. Yes, sir.
All right, ready? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'll be your kid. Ready? All right.
Papa. Yeah, Giltroy.
I'm playing soccer this weekend. Okay, you may.
I know I may.

Speaker 1 You have to take me. Son, relax.
Calm down. No, shut up.
I want fruit roll-ups. I want sliced up fruit.
And you know what I want? Swedish fish. Only the red one.

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all, look at the cabinet. Look at the storage cabinet in the kitchen, right? We got every flavor of fish fry.
Fish,

Speaker 1 right? All the things you mentioned, they're there. Roll out all of it.
You know what, Papa? What, Gil? No hospitality in this home. Yeah, you don't even know that.
Worry, we're not doctors.

Speaker 1 Ergo, fuck you, Dad. Yeah, we're not in Star Trek.
All right.

Speaker 1 All right, so you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have one.
No, not after that experience. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 You know what? You could have. I'm your son.
You are my little son. No, let me do it.

Speaker 1 Hey, buddy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's going on? It burns.

Speaker 1 What burns, little guy?

Speaker 1 My heart. Your heart burns.
What is it burning? And in the left lung area. Oh, wow.
That's pretty specific. Yeah, and it's like a pinching.

Speaker 1 Oh, it hurts. Are you having a heart attack?

Speaker 1 Oh, you just had some gas. Yeah, I got you, daddy.
Oh, you're funny.

Speaker 1 Right? You're funny. I got a.
And then I go in the other room. Yeah.
My wife.

Speaker 1 We got to return that.

Speaker 1 That Chinese kid to be adopted. We got to get rid of that guy.
It's not working out. He feels like he's Bobby skin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with the kids' soccer thing that you were hung up on? Yeah, they played multiple units. Here's what I'm hung up about.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it's like my son would know, right? My son is raised knowing the Arsenal code. Gunner code.
Yeah, the Guner code, okay? He would know about the Emirates. He would know about Arteta.

Speaker 1 He would know about the players, formations.

Speaker 1 First of all, Arsenals like Barcelona were ticky tech.

Speaker 1 Tiki-tech football. Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass.
What does it have to do with kids playing with other kids? What I'm saying is my son, if he's going to play anything,

Speaker 1 we're going to bring him to... He's got to be good.
But at five years old, he's just going to be thrown on the field. He's not going to be.
He could be a prodigy. Because let me say something.

Speaker 1 Bakayo Saka was from the Arsenal Youth Academy. He was 11 when they found him.

Speaker 1 But he started at five. At five, you can see.
He was a a miracle. You're a miracle.
All right. I'm sorry.
Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.
I mean, that's a compliment.

Speaker 1 But my thing, my, but like, I want my kid to be the best at whatever he does. But you don't want him to play soccer with other people.

Speaker 1 I would call around. Also, DNA has something to do with that, too.
Yeah, it's got to come from you. God, it's, it's, you know,

Speaker 1 you know, it's, it's funny. It's funny.
You know, by you saying DNA, it's basically saying you're fat, Bobby. No, no.
That's what you're saying. You, you're a fat, sloth-like, lazy creature.

Speaker 1 You mean who barely, you don't even walk, you slither. Holy shit.
You stop living in my mind.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah, you slither like a snail.
You fucking abomination. And let me say something.
I come from, everyone listen here now. Good stock.
Real good stock. My dad was very athletic.

Speaker 1 My brother's athletic.

Speaker 1 Was ranked number three

Speaker 1 in the nation as a wrestler, my brother was in high school. Google that.
No, don't look Google it. I just made that up.

Speaker 1 Don't do this. Well, don't do that.
Don't do facts. Don't do not facts.
We're a comedy. I make shit up all the time.
Yeah, but you're taking the stance as if you're being serious. That's true.

Speaker 1 All right. So, what I'm saying is that I want my kid just to, I would call around LA County and go, what's the best young male soccer league? And you'd get him in the A.

Speaker 1 And I would see if he was if

Speaker 1 he doesn't have the skills or the ability, then I would go, like, oh, let's just go to the local place. What if your dad,

Speaker 1 let's say, what's say, let's say your kid says to you,

Speaker 1 Papa?

Speaker 1 Gilroy?

Speaker 1 I don't want to play soccer. Okay, well, what do you want to do? I want to be a cheerleader.

Speaker 1 I want to be a male cheerleader. Okay,

Speaker 1 Gilroy, go to your room for a second. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And then what I'm on my couch, and I.

Speaker 1 I put my head up, the play.

Speaker 1 swear.

Speaker 1 Okay, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Knock, knock, knock, knock. Hey, Papa.
Can I come in, Gilroy? Come on in. All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. What's all with the glitter? You want some?

Speaker 1 Ow, my eyes again.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 there's so many unicorns

Speaker 1 in this room. Look at all the pictures of the boys on my wall.
Those are all cheerleader boys.

Speaker 1 Okay, you want to be a cheerleader?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll make some phone calls. Thanks, Papa.
And I call Justin Martindale. I don't know where to go.

Speaker 1 Like, I would call a gay friend. I don't know.
I don't know where to go. I would call Fortune Feemster.
Yeah. Fortune, you know anything about cheerleading? No.

Speaker 1 Hell no. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
She doesn't know. Yeah.
What would you like? What if... Daddy? Yes.
Yes, son.

Speaker 1 Yes, Marcuse.

Speaker 1 Thank you for coming in with Marcus.

Speaker 1 You got it, kiddo.

Speaker 1 What do you want, Marcuse? I'm not done talking. Why do you always interrupt me? Marcuse, speed it up.

Speaker 1 Daddy, I just want to be able to express myself and get it out. What do you want to do? Anyway, Daddy.
Yeah, Marcuse.

Speaker 1 You know, I just, I really like killing small things.

Speaker 1 Like, I go in the forest and I see a little squirrel and I take scissors. I like to chop his head off while it's alive because I can see it wiggle in my hand.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And then I just like squeeze it and I drink the blood.

Speaker 1 I love it so much. And I like

Speaker 1 the the bones I like the bones of these little creatures daddy and I like to make little skeletoid creatures out of them myself rather than I destroy them myself you know

Speaker 1 hell Satan daddy hell Satan

Speaker 1 go to your room okay daddy you mean my coven go to your coven I'll go to my coven all right and I'm gonna go inside my little fucking

Speaker 1 and then you go to your room and then I go lay in bed with our my wife your mom. Yeah.
And I turn to her. Oh, you're going to go lay in bed with again? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 1 What would you do? She's reading a book. Yeah, yeah.
I turn to her and I say,

Speaker 1 I think we got a winner on our

Speaker 1 really.

Speaker 1 Wow. Because sometimes you can't control it.
I've seen it on TikTok. You can't control what your kids do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't control, no matter how good you are as a person, no matter what values and ethics that you relay to them, right? Sometimes God gives you cray-cray. Sometimes God makes a serial killer.

Speaker 1 Right. Someone had it, had to come from something.
Well, speaking of which, we have somebody here who will introduce our guest here one second. We just had our guests walk in the room.

Speaker 1 Put on your headphones. If you want to headphones, you can have them.
Do you want headphones or no? They're right there on the. I recommend them.
Yeah, usually. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Introduce yourself to our audience if you don't mind. I'm Dax Flame, and

Speaker 1 I'm a YouTuber, and

Speaker 1 I'm happy to be here. And yeah, I think you guys are

Speaker 1 very funny, and you're very funny, and I think you'll have awesome chemistry. And thanks for inviting me.
I love this guy. Dax, I fucking love you.
I've never had.

Speaker 1 I saw you on the internet, and I was like, I got we have to have that guy on the show. Okay, cool.
Where are you from? Texas. What part? Yeah.

Speaker 1 A suburb of Dallas. Do you miss Texas? No.
Okay. Is everything bigger?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So let me, can I ask you some questions? Are you seeing somebody? No.
So you're an actor, too, right?

Speaker 1 Yes, I haven't acted in anything for a bit. Well, actually, my friend makes movies on YouTube and stuff, Joel Haver, and so I've been in those, but haven't done any Hollywood movies for a bit.

Speaker 1 I was in Project X, which was filmed right down the street from here a long time ago. So I was past seeing that as I came up.
I don't want to doctor. Did that give you trauma? No.
No.

Speaker 1 That wasn't a bad experience for you.

Speaker 1 You say like you went by it like it was a negative thing. It was a good thing, right? Oh, I went by.
Where they shot it. Yeah.
But it didn't make you feel something. Did it make you feel something?

Speaker 1 No. Nothing at all.
Were you the star of the movie?

Speaker 1 I'm the cameraman. Like, so it's like a found footage movie.
Oh, right, right. So, yeah, I'm like the guy who's filming everything.
So you see me some. Some people say that I'm like...

Speaker 1 Oh, there you are. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, you were young then? Yeah, that was when I was 18. 18.
You came out here from Texas to act, yeah? Yes. You always wanted to be an actor your whole life? No.
No?

Speaker 1 What was the impetus? Doing YouTube videos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, doing YouTube videos. That made you go, I want to be an actor.
Yes. And then you did that, then you did 21, Jump Street, and 22.
Yes, yes. How was that? Awesome.

Speaker 1 Does anybody on those movies that you didn't like that you didn't get along with?

Speaker 1 Not one person on there you didn't get along with.

Speaker 1 But what happens? You do 21, 22, right? You do, you know, I mean, that X, right?

Speaker 1 And then did you stop going on audition? Did you not want to do it it anymore? Like, what? Uh, just it slowed down. Um, it slowed down for a while.
And then I just didn't get any more movies.

Speaker 1 Um, and so then I was working at an ice cream shop in a sushi place for a bit. Yeah.
Then have just been doing YouTube since the pandemic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then now I've been doing some like TikTok and Instagram reels too.

Speaker 1 I kind of stopped talking about those movies online. Oh, my God.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Just on my own TikTok. Oh, I see.
Yeah. Okay.
The rumor is you called Channing Tatum a a bitch.

Speaker 1 That's not true.

Speaker 1 Or no.

Speaker 1 That's not true.

Speaker 1 No. I don't know who spread that around, but man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a bad rumor. Well, you call Tanning a bitch? Channing Tatum.
Channing Channing?

Speaker 1 A bitch-ass hoe. You call him Bitch Hoe's hoe?

Speaker 1 No, he didn't do any of this. Any good.
Good, good, good, good.

Speaker 1 Where's the ice cream shop you worked at? It was called Ample Hills. They're closed down.

Speaker 1 Ample Hill, if i walked in there like and i came up to you at the you're the registered guy yes uh or i would scoop and then ring people okay let's let's play that i come in okay wow cool little ice cream store would you like any samples i'm not up at the comer yet but okay

Speaker 1 hi um this ice cream store yes oh cool hey

Speaker 1 were you in 21 jump street yeah nice to meet you

Speaker 1 Nice to meet you. Wow.
You're working at an ice cream store. This is crazy.
Yep. Yeah, yeah.
What's wrong? Nothing. Okay.

Speaker 1 Anyway. Hi, are you going to order a cup of colour? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I know. I know there's a line.
Sorry. I'm so, sorry.
I'm so sorry. I just would like to order.
Is there a way I can get maybe a selfie with you? Yeah, of course. But let's order.

Speaker 1 What do you recommend?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It's ice cream.
Fucking get something.

Speaker 1 There's a line. Ma'am, ma'am.
I've never been to this ice cream store, and I don't know. I don't want to just get vanilla.
And he's also a fucking celebrity, so just

Speaker 1 he's in a Project Triple X movie or something gross. Just take the photo, get that Anyway, what flavor do you recommend? I'm sorry, this lady behind me.
I'll recommend

Speaker 1 Oee Gooey buttercake. And you know what? I'll give y'all both a free sneaker.
That was my nickname in high school.

Speaker 1 Ooe, ooey buttercake.

Speaker 1 I'll take one of those. Okay, and it's on me today.
Really? Thank you. What are you doing after work? Sorry, ma'am.
Hold on. Just going home.
Oh. You want to hang out? Smoke some weed?

Speaker 1 I don't smoke, but sure, I'll hang out with you. Are you Bobby Lee? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 You know my work? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool.
So what time do you get off?

Speaker 1 Seven. Seven? It's fucking three.
I'll wait. Okay.
Four hours. Can I order, please? Yeah, go ahead, bitch.
God. God.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hello.

Speaker 1 I want to try one of everything.

Speaker 1 So I'm curious because I'm fascinated by you. We saw you on the internet.
We were all talking about you. Carlos was saying how much he loves you.

Speaker 1 You did have like a run of film, and this is like a real thing in Hollywood. Do you think

Speaker 1 work

Speaker 1 slowed down because you didn't really want to keep going as much, or did it just kind of the organic. I definitely wanted to.
You did. Yeah.
Well, I want it to happen, so we need to work with him.

Speaker 1 Oh, I want to work with you.

Speaker 1 I want to work with you on something because I think you're fucking great. Good actor.
Nice. Nice guy.
I just don't like the way that the thing happens all the time.

Speaker 1 Because for us, we've all had, you know, it goes up and down and up and down, but it's fascinating how, like, you've done much larger movies than either of us have had, have done. That's true, 100%.

Speaker 1 21 Jump Street was fucking massive. Now, did you see residuals that were good from that for a long time? Yeah, that's what I lived off of until I was working at the ice cream shop.

Speaker 1 Wow. Does it hurt though? But in your mind, you're like, I was in movies.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know. Oh,

Speaker 1 did that go through your mind?

Speaker 1 Well, first I did a food delivery job, and then I was kind of like, I was kind of feeling like, okay, yeah, I used to be in movies, and now I'm doing a food delivery job. Does that mean anything?

Speaker 1 And then once I was working at the ice cream shop, I no longer had that mindset. Yeah, that went right by you.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I had an awesome assistant manager there, Stacy. Shout out to Stacy.
Where at the ice cream plays? And good co-workers. Oh, wow.
I love your soul. I love your soul.

Speaker 1 And then one day it just closed and you were bombed, probably, huh? No, I hated it. I hated the shop.
Oh.

Speaker 1 That makes sense. Wait, wait, wait.
You loved everyone you worked with? Yes. Yeah.
You love the customers. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't get a promotion. I had a lot of frustration by the time it closed.
They're cutting my hours.

Speaker 1 Sorry to

Speaker 1 Ample Hills, if that's still a place.

Speaker 1 Because they started in New York. Well, don't say sorry.
Don't be sorry to them.

Speaker 1 They fuck you. Say what you feel about Ample Hills.
They're very delicious. They have very delicious ice cream.
Check it out. But go, go, Glenn Let's go corporate.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 But I didn't enjoy working there. And get your.
Fuck, fuck you. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 I hated it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 get into it, though. Get into it.
Dig in. I'm the CEO.

Speaker 1 Ample Hill. Hello.
My name is Bill Gilbert.

Speaker 1 Giltroy.

Speaker 1 Bill Ample. Yeah, yeah.
Bill Ample. Oh, you just screwed you? Yeah, yeah.
He just said it. Do it again to him.
Hit him hard. Screw you.
Oh, wow. You screwed me? I employed you.

Speaker 1 And by the way, 21 Jumpstart sucks.

Speaker 1 You're going to let him say that stuff to you? I'm still.

Speaker 1 You little punk.

Speaker 1 I'm a CEO. Don't ever talk to me like that.
What are you going to do about it?

Speaker 1 You little punk.

Speaker 1 Your shop went out of business. You were a bad business person in L.A.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're succeeding in New York, but you failed here. Oh, oh, look at this fucking guy.
Fuck you, you little white punk. Little bitch punk.

Speaker 1 You're never going to work again.

Speaker 1 What else you got to say?

Speaker 1 No, nothing.

Speaker 1 Wow, you got to fight. Okay, okay.
You got to fucking fight, man. Screw you.
I hate you.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 Let's see. You're a mongoloid.
Dude, in the middle of a fight to say, let's see, is maybe the funniest thing on earth. I know.
Like, you know what? Nice. Fuck you.
You're a nice guy. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Yeah, yeah.
You are such a sweet soul. What do you do on your channel? On YouTube, I am trying to figure out what to do.
So I've just been trying to make new show ideas. And

Speaker 1 on TikTok, I've been doing lots of giveaways.

Speaker 1 I actually tried

Speaker 1 stand-up comedy for the first time.

Speaker 1 You did stand-up for the second time. I did one other open mic before.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is great.

Speaker 1 Just push pause on this real quick. John, John, so high.
He's just looping it while we're fucking chatting. All right, so here we go.
You got to get our old guys. Here we go, okay? You introduce him.

Speaker 1 You're the host of a comic club.

Speaker 1 Hey, that's my time. This next comic, unbelievable.
Such a funny dude. You've seen him in such movies.
He's 21 jumps. 21 jump shoot, 22 jump street, Project X.
So fucking funny. Texas Zone.
Dax Flame.

Speaker 1 Hello. Thanks for having me.
So, do you want me to do some jokes?

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 These are the jokes I did at the Comedy Place.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me. I hope you're doing great.
So

Speaker 1 do you ever have a

Speaker 1 social interaction you wish you wish you went different

Speaker 1 that you wish went differently?

Speaker 1 So for example, the other day I was in line at a grocery store and a guy said I could go ahead.

Speaker 1 Basically, I was in this line. The guy said, go ahead.
And I said like something to him that he didn't realize that was a joke. So I was like, okay, that just happened.

Speaker 1 And then if I had a genie,

Speaker 1 if I had a genie,

Speaker 1 all my wishes would have been used on things like that long ago.

Speaker 1 Speaking of genies,

Speaker 1 how do those lamps work? Is there like a giant room in there? Is it just asleep until it's rubbed or whatever?

Speaker 1 This is good. This is so good.

Speaker 1 And then...

Speaker 1 My ex-girlfriend. Okay.

Speaker 1 My ex-girlfriend used to get headaches a lot. Not my fault, I promise.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 whenever she would get them, she would get really mad at me because I'd be like,

Speaker 1 let's see.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'd say, don't worry, it's only in your head. And she'd be like, no, I really have a headache.
And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your head.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I had this joke kind of.

Speaker 1 Let's not give away all the gold. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because we are going to to have you on a show. Yeah, we're going to have to come on a show.

Speaker 1 I'm going to stand up. I'm going to do a stand-up show.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can I, can I

Speaker 1 experiment with Mr. Flame here, real quick? Yeah,

Speaker 1 may I? All right. So, look, so this is what we're going to do.
It's like, we're going to do a stand-up on the spot. Okay.
So, I'm going to give you a topic, and you're just going to riff.

Speaker 1 Don't even think about it. Okay.
You just riff about it, right?

Speaker 1 My mind goes blank when I try to do that, but I will try. You're going to, you know what? In improv, it's only yes.
There's no no. That's right.
You know that, right? All right, so here we go.

Speaker 1 Beef brisket. Go ahead.
Beef brisket is one of the most popular things about barbecue dishes. And I'm from Texas, so people like to eat that, but I never liked barbecue.
So

Speaker 1 it's good, it's good. Yeah, yeah, that is good.

Speaker 1 What do you do?

Speaker 1 I'm a financial analyst.

Speaker 1 What do you think about that

Speaker 1 okay um

Speaker 1 i don't know

Speaker 1 but my wife my wife works in a uh she works at a cemetery right babe she i do she does embalming yeah she does embalming what do you think about that there's got to be a lot of mr comedia dolores cemetery my grandfather's buried there's the funniest thing you've seen there huh What's the funniest thing you've seen at a cemetery?

Speaker 1 Flips it on the audience. Well, everything I've seen at the cemetery is way funnier than your act.
I'll tell you that right now. Ooh, says the crowd.
You suck. Whoa,

Speaker 1 burn.

Speaker 1 How do you own a heckler?

Speaker 1 Are you asking us? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 How many followers do you have? Half a million. Yeah, 500,000 now, because the past two months have been really good.
I hope it keeps fucking growing. I hope it goes too, yeah.

Speaker 1 I really like you, man. I don't know what.
What about your eyes? You catch me good. Thank you.
No, I mean, not a good thing. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. It's not a good thing.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 It's a great thing. No, there's something going on with your.
I'm sorry. Can I.

Speaker 1 May I say something?

Speaker 1 Yes. There's a sadness.

Speaker 1 Okay. No.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. May I go here or no? You can do whatever you want, but I like our guests.
No, I like you. Dude, let me just say this before I even say what I'm going to say.

Speaker 1 I like it a lot, Dax, and I think that you're a talented guy, and I'm just happy to be a pleasure as all mine.

Speaker 1 Okay? So then.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. A pleasure to be here.
Okay. Dax, how old are you? 32.

Speaker 1 What's your biological name what's your what's your birth name um well i don't most people don't know my first name oh and i've always just been reluctant to say it because like what if people like find my address or whatever ah but people know my middle name uh which is madison

Speaker 1 oh i like madison thanks but your eyes oh yes may go back to the eyes yeah

Speaker 1 i mean god i want to know your first name so i mean me too i think maybe we'll guess

Speaker 1 if we're if we guess it we would you say could i show you my id and then you don't yeah we won't reveal it on the show yeah yeah yeah we would never do that that's fucking awesome yeah uh do you have not you don't have a wallet just throw it to me there's no camera cameras will not make it up there's no wall there's no wallet these guys won't do anything bad you know okay we should buy him a wallet maybe yeah can we get him a wallet we got your wallet oh wow what that's not what i thought let me see that's interesting that's wild

Speaker 1 what is your

Speaker 1 yeah i mean it's i like like it's almost like a puzzle so

Speaker 1 is your what's your middle name james young young yeah yeah cool what's How did you get this name?

Speaker 1 I think it

Speaker 1 might have been like a great-grandpa or something. I'm not sure.
Are you Italian?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Well, I took a DNA test.
What did it say then? A lot of things, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Are you black?

Speaker 1 No. Korean.
Are you Korean? No. No Asian? No.
Jewish?

Speaker 1 That was on there, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Are you proud of that?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, happy Passover. Happy Passover.
I know one I know celebrates. I mean, like, friends do, but like, no one, no, I didn't grow up with any celebrating of that or anything.

Speaker 1 So, you're against Jewish holidays? No, no.

Speaker 1 No. I just don't have never done that.
You don't like them. You don't want to participate in them.
No, no. Even though it's your heritage.
I think they're awesome. You sure? Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite one? Passover. That's your favorite one.
And you didn't celebrate it, even though it's your favorite.

Speaker 1 No. Or Hanukkah, yeah.
The Hanukkah's better.

Speaker 1 I don't know, actually. So you don't.
You're making mockery of it? It sounds like you're mocking it. unintentionally.
If so, if I am, I'm sorry, it's fine.

Speaker 1 Well, she's Jewish, I would apologize to her if anything. Yeah, is that offensive? What I said?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I mean, I feel like you're making a mockery. I mean, you spit on her dreidel,

Speaker 1 it's verbally spitting on the dreidel, is what you do. I see, I see.

Speaker 1 Do you do you think all people are equal? Uh, yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't feel I don't buy that when you say that. Um,

Speaker 1 insane.

Speaker 1 Let me, let me throw you this back here. Let me me see.
Ready? Let's do a little.

Speaker 1 Nobody thought that was going to happen, by the way. Nobody in here thought we were going to make that work, and we fucking did.
We connect on a different level. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Let's get into your dating life. So, when's the last time you've been with somebody?

Speaker 1 That's a little forward. Oh, yeah, okay.
Let me rephrase that. Yeah, please.
He's new. I'm so sorry.
You're a new friend of family. Oh, you know what? Excuse me.
And you know what? Let me say this.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. When you're in this room, you're a bad friend family.
You're a friend of ours, really. Yeah, we don't want to.
So just relax. And also, if you want anything cut out, we'll cut it out.

Speaker 1 So feel free. Seriously.
Anything.

Speaker 1 We're not a gotcha podcast. Okay, okay.
So if you came up to us and says, hey, guys, I don't like that. I don't want that part in there.

Speaker 1 Like the Jewish part, for instance, just, you know, then we would cut it out. Do you want us to cut that out? Was that uncomfortable? I don't think it was bad.

Speaker 1 Do you think it's bad? I didn't

Speaker 1 either. I don't know.
No, no, no. There is.
No. Don't look at the Jew.
Yeah, don't look at the Jew.

Speaker 1 Cut that out. That's even worse.

Speaker 1 Don't cut that out.

Speaker 1 Okay, just because she said it was. All right, so

Speaker 1 when's the last time you had a girlfriend? No, I've had one girlfriend in your whole life. And whenever I did that stand-up joke about my ex-girlfriend, that was a hypothetical.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say this to our fans: if there is a nice woman here in Los Angeles who's interested in our boy, please set up the pod because we'd love to set you up on a date.

Speaker 1 I think I really like your energy. I think you're smart and you're sweet and you're cool.
And for some reason, something in my world wants to know you, help you, work with you.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is, but I like you a lot. You know, him and I have some projects.
Okay, awesome. Are you excited about them?

Speaker 1 Not really. No, not for all of them.
No, some of them. I mean, this one is great.
Yeah. Cool.
Yeah. This one's fun.
But, you know, we will keep an open mind and have you in our thoughts.

Speaker 1 No, I'll put you. We'll put you in something.
I'll just. That's what I meant to say.
Okay. Well, you're saying it like a CEO.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm saying it like with what, you know, I mean, we'll put a pin on you. Oh, like a studio executive.

Speaker 1 We'll put a pin in you. Did you ever get close for a role and you didn't get it that you really wanted? Yes.
What was it? We're the Millers. Oh, and Be That Kid, huh?

Speaker 1 yes and then this ryan gosling movie his directorial debut uh and then you got close on both of these and the watch those i was the runner-up for all of those oh fuck yeah that's the story of our lives huh yeah runner of love runner up yes yeah are you going out on auditions now no no do you have someone that's gonna send you out or no uh not i i don't i haven't gotten an audition offer in like four years or so why why i need to fix i want to to fix this.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in this.

Speaker 1 I want to fix. I want to fix it.
I need to fix it. I want to fix.
I need to fix you. I need to fix what is broken with you.

Speaker 1 I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix what is broken with you.

Speaker 1 What do you think? That was good. Thank you.

Speaker 1 You want to get involved in the song?

Speaker 1 I need to fix. I need to fix what is broken with you.
I need to fix. I need to fix what is broken with you.

Speaker 1 I need to fix. What is wrong with you.

Speaker 1 Melodically. I need to fix.
I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix.

Speaker 1 Very good, dude. Very good.
I mean, a musical thing could be something that we could

Speaker 1 do together. I know, I have an inkling you don't like to hug.

Speaker 1 Like, if I came up and gave you a hug, you wouldn't like it.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 Well, it's

Speaker 1 fine, actually, if I, yeah, it's fine, but maybe like. I'm telling you, I'm gonna give you a hug while you leave.
Well, in the fine.

Speaker 1 Well, could I also, in the Italian culture, right, when you when you meet somebody for the first time, it's got to be a 10-second hug or it doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're supposed to kiss on the cheeks, if I'm

Speaker 1 a big part of it. In Korea, we kiss on the lips, sometimes with tongue, but that's, you know, depending.
True stranger? Yeah, yeah, on 100%. South Korean kisses on the mouth, North Korean does tongue.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you go.

Speaker 1 You're lucky he's from South. Yeah, if you have a tongue, doesn't they chop it off? If you kiss the wrong one.
Do you know anything about North Korea?

Speaker 1 Just not much.

Speaker 1 It's a fair answer. It is a fair answer.
Are you on the apps? Which ones? Dating apps?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hinge. Hinge.
Is it working?

Speaker 1 I don't use it enough.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't message or swipe.

Speaker 1 That's how it works, you know? Yeah, you have to do that too. Like, when you turn on the card, you have to put

Speaker 1 it banned from any apps. Have you been banned from a dating app? No.
He has. Why did you get banned? Three of them.
Why?

Speaker 1 Lied about his age. Why? Lied about his age.

Speaker 1 How old am I, Dax? Do you think?

Speaker 1 45.

Speaker 1 40? 45. 45.
Okay.

Speaker 1 50. Yeah, 20.
Okay. 52.
52. Okay, awesome.
How tall do you think he is? Because he lied and said he was like 36. I watched something yesterday where you said 5'3 and a half.
That's right.

Speaker 1 One of your episodes. That is right.
Okay. So before you came here, you kind of looked at familiarized with it.
Yeah, yeah. Had you ever seen the show prior? Not the show, but I have seen y'all.

Speaker 1 Clips. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Did you know of us outside of this show? Yeah. My friend Lisa Nova.
Well, I haven't talked to her in a long time. I love her.
She was on Mad TV with.

Speaker 1 I know Lisa very well. I knew her from back in the day.
Wow.

Speaker 1 She's disappeared almost. Yeah, I haven't kept a New York.
But I ran into her.

Speaker 1 She made much

Speaker 1 of money. Yeah.
And left.

Speaker 1 She was a YouTuber, right?

Speaker 1 She started Maker and then sold it to Disney for like $500, $600 million. That's good.
That's a lot of money.

Speaker 1 That's a lot of money. True.
When you ran into her, you think maybe... Lisa Donovan.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 so, yeah,

Speaker 1 I had seen you're familiar with me. You don't know who I am.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do know who you are.

Speaker 1 Give me a couple of things he's done.

Speaker 1 This is weird. It's fine.
We can cut it out if it's weird. But I want him to.
Santini.

Speaker 1 Ricky Stinicky, yeah?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Would say it again? You said Santini.
Oh, I love it. Ricky Santini, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ricky Stinnini. Yeah, yeah.
I'll have it.

Speaker 1 Give me something else. But then,

Speaker 1 like, just lots of awesome clips. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, sorry. I love you.
You know what? You just endeared yourself to me. Do y'all have a rivalry? No, we don't.
It's great. Bobby's created a fake fantasy.

Speaker 1 Bobby's riding off of Mad TV for a long time. It's an awesome credit.
It was, yeah. God bless you.

Speaker 1 I knew there was something about you, dude. And you and I, dude, we're back in it, aren't we? We're on that wagon.
Okay. And we're going to the sunset, dude.
It's amazing. I'd like to think

Speaker 1 that I'm going to be. Great credit, right? Yeah.
Is it good?

Speaker 1 I think so. Yeah, yeah.
Do you like Mad TV? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was more of like an SNL guy. SNL is a great quality.
Significantly better quality than Mad TV.

Speaker 1 when did mad is mad tv's not on that's right no yeah one of them is still on yeah what you just did there now because you wanted to combat him because i knew how you felt but what you did is you went you went you went you know what i'm gonna defuse the situation i'm gonna go this way and i like what you did but at the end of the day i know how you feel okay thank you and thank you so much dax for being here and i'm gonna say something i'm gonna do something for you man something deep provocative maybe some pussy we'll see

Speaker 1 you're going to give him some pussy?

Speaker 1 We're going to help him.

Speaker 1 Okay. What? What if he doesn't want it? If you don't want it, it's fine, huh? What about a hug? One of your hugs.
One of his good hugs. No.

Speaker 1 I might be wrong, but I think maybe you could be a reoccurring guest on this show.

Speaker 1 I'll come back anytime. Do you drive here? Yes.
Okay, good. You have a bike?

Speaker 1 I do. Do you bike often? Not anymore for some reason.
Do you rode a bike here? No. Okay.
Have you ever fallen off the bike?

Speaker 1 I do have a scar on my chest from biking into the back of a car.

Speaker 1 You know, I would like to hear that story. Yeah, I would like to move on.
I know before we move. But can I also...
Well, I don't want to talk about your bike. I'd like to hear that story.

Speaker 1 It's pretty much just that. I just

Speaker 1 biked into a car.

Speaker 1 The car was parked and no one was in it. And there was a gas tank on the back that popped open, too.
It was leaking gas.

Speaker 1 But I just went down to the beach and asked a lifeguard for something to put on my...

Speaker 1 How old were you?

Speaker 1 17 or 18.

Speaker 1 Here in Southern California? And you did this to the lifeguard?

Speaker 1 Well, I just told him that I had a.

Speaker 1 Well, no, you did this. How did you lose focus and hit? Oh, I did.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't lose focus. I think my foot slipped or my hand slipped.
And then by the time I got it back, I slammed on the brakes and then skidded and it was, I was going too fast or something.

Speaker 1 You know, so I just say, I want to say something.

Speaker 1 You ever watch porn with dudes like this?

Speaker 1 You're saying about his penis size is big?

Speaker 1 Gigantic. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's got to be. Yeah, and guys that have a little bit of

Speaker 1 the same body structure, everything about it. Yeah, the vibe.
Vibe. Do you like trains?

Speaker 1 I like being trained. Okay.

Speaker 1 They are very peaceful.

Speaker 1 They're nice. Yeah.
I'm tracking you.

Speaker 1 But you're not going to go to a train station to look at them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You look like you like trains. That was interesting.
That's so good. Well, because I feel like he has interesting hobbies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that?

Speaker 1 I have another.

Speaker 1 Do you like marbles?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Dude, I feel like you have marbles in your pocket right now. No, I like, I do like going on trains, but I have nothing to say about marbles.
Do you know why you like trains so much?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're very peaceful. Yeah, they fucking are, aren't they? The last time I was on one, it hit someone also.
Like, speaking of,

Speaker 1 it hit a person. It got delayed.
I didn't see anything, but it got delayed. There was a jumper.

Speaker 1 Well, I looked at an article the next day or two, a day or two later, and they, yeah, it just said that someone got hit in the arm. And I think they were fine.
Oh, they were alive.

Speaker 1 Usually somebody jumps. Okay.
My mom used to take the train every day when we moved from Chicago to the suburbs.

Speaker 1 And maybe once a month, someone would jump in front of the train, so it would delay her workday. Okay.
Real frustrating when someone takes their own life and inconveniences everybody else's.

Speaker 1 Kill yourself on your own time. Or, yeah, don't.

Speaker 1 What? I agree with you. Don't kill yourself.
True, true. But also, if you're going to do it, don't make it hard on other people.
True. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What's your favorite meal to eat? What's your death row meal? You ever play that? You know, when someone says, you're on death row, what's your last? Oh, this is a good question. Maybe.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 smoothies are like the thing I have most. But in terms of like, if there's no money limit, then I'll get like good.

Speaker 1 It's your last meal, bro. Sushi.
Or steak.

Speaker 1 Sushi or steak. Do both? Yeah, both.
What kind of meat are we talking? What kind of steak? I've usually just get sirloin. Well, I was vegetarian for a while, and now I've just been eating everything.

Speaker 1 Now you're back on the beef. I bet you've what's the best

Speaker 1 steakhouse you've been to?

Speaker 1 Damon's, I think it's called. Is that you talking about the one in

Speaker 1 Glendale? Yeah. That's a really good one.
That's the one I told you to go about.

Speaker 1 It's like the tiki theme.

Speaker 1 That's a really good place. Oh, my God.
I love that place. It's a good place.
I love it. Oh,

Speaker 1 you're a foodie, huh?

Speaker 1 Damon's is so fucking cool. I've told you to go there.
I'm going to go. You're a foodie?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1 I don't really know many steak places. No, but do you like, you do like to go out and eat at fun places?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 But the restriction, you said the smoothie thing.

Speaker 1 Is that a health thing or a financial thing? I just love smoothies. Right.
Oh, who's healthy? Hey, guy. Yeah, we do too.

Speaker 1 What's up?

Speaker 1 What's up, dude? We do them pretty often. What kind is it? It's called none of your fucking business.

Speaker 1 No, it's a fair question. It's called chocolate supreme.
I didn't know. That's why I said

Speaker 1 chocolate lover. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's chocolate and peanut butter.

Speaker 1 I would like to go to WeSpa with you. Okay.

Speaker 1 Would you like to know that? Do you know what that is? I would not get naked. No.

Speaker 1 Something told me that that. Wait, wait, wait, stop.

Speaker 1 Oh, something. I'm very offended by that, by the way.
Why? Because it's like

Speaker 1 you looked at me and you go, I will not get naked, but it's almost as if you said,

Speaker 1 I will not get naked with you. No, with anyone specifically.

Speaker 1 with anyone so except for someone you're interested in romantically true this is the border that he's i know but what i'm saying is is that we're not the we stall is it's it's um

Speaker 1 there's a communal place where men and women congregate okay

Speaker 1 hospitality ergo ergo right and then but in the in the we have to first get naked and put on the wee stall clothing so you wouldn't get naked with me you're putting on clothes i would go into like a bathroom stall if that's possible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that seems pretty fair. Oh, that's insane.
Did you ever play sports as a young lad? But I wouldn't be offended if you wanted to undress.

Speaker 1 And would you look at my penis? No.

Speaker 1 Even though I said, look.

Speaker 1 If you go, hey, Dak, look.

Speaker 1 Accident.

Speaker 1 If I know what you're doing, then no. Yeah.
Okay. You're giving him the keys to the castle.
You're letting him know what's going on. You may come in.
Yeah. Yeah.
The moat. Whatever.
Come on in.

Speaker 1 Come on in.

Speaker 1 Do you ever chew tobacco?

Speaker 1 I tried smoking a cigarette. How was that?

Speaker 1 Interesting, I guess. Do you have any interest in chewing tobacco? Would you try something?

Speaker 1 I don't think I'm interested in that. Smart.

Speaker 1 Have you tried it? Chewing tobacco? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've tried everything.

Speaker 1 You've tried everything once. Except for guys.

Speaker 1 That's the thing I think. Okay, that's fine.
I was a kid, but let's not bring that up again. It's weird.
Well, I mean, you've done it. You bring it up more than once in episodes.

Speaker 1 Well, you've tried guys, and I haven't, and you said everything was. It's making our guests feel uncomfortable because obviously he doesn't like it.
No, I don't feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 First of all, this guy said he was a Democrat. He's open for all this stuff.
Yeah, yeah. You're cool with gay marriage.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
I think that's great. Open borders, right? Yes.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Free health care for everybody.

Speaker 1 And what's the last thing we always say? Trans women and sports and men's sports. There it is.
Yes. Yep.
Very good.

Speaker 1 I want to know what you don't like. What are things that bother Dax?

Speaker 1 Traffic.

Speaker 1 yeah. That's it.
Oh, there's been a lot of construction on the apartment unit next to mine for the past like two weeks.

Speaker 1 And it's like just waking up to like banging and grinding and stuff. Yeah.
Do you live in Hollywood? Uh no. Uh in uh two miles east of Hollywood.

Speaker 1 So in your mind when you're seeing hearing that, what are the thoughts that go through your head? Do you want to kill him?

Speaker 1 Uh no. Lil's be honest.
Let's listen. We're all pals here.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Right, right. And your mind's like, oh, I'd take a fucking machete.
You know, what do you think?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think that. Okay, what do you think then?

Speaker 1 This sucks. Yeah, this sucks.

Speaker 1 He is right. That does suck.
Right, right, right. That sucks.
You don't have revenge fantasies? Am I the only guy in this building that has revenge fantasies? Yes. Mm-hmm.
Yeah? Yeah, the way you ask.

Speaker 1 Yeah, John, no, he's Korean ape. Back me up.
Revenge fantasies? Sometimes I picture myself going back to my bullies and beating them up. Yeah, dude, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 And I picture, I have fantasies like that. You don't have fantasies? People that harmed you, you know what I mean? Like, I should have done this.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I should take a bear trap and chop their fucking leg. Did anybody bully you?

Speaker 1 As a young person? Anytime. Anytime.
Oh, sure. There's like internet hate comments, but I'm just immune to them at this point.

Speaker 1 There was recently, this isn't bullying, but like two days ago, I was getting out of my car and someone

Speaker 1 like honked at me. Well, I got out of my car and then I went back into it to scoot forward to give them more space to park.
That's nice.

Speaker 1 And they honked at me as I was getting back in, like, because they didn't.

Speaker 1 That was annoying.

Speaker 1 That was not bullying, though. No, no,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 I want a day with you. Yeah, days.

Speaker 1 I want days with you. Okay.

Speaker 1 Can we do that? I think we should do a camping thing. Would you go camping with us?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Have you ever camped? No.

Speaker 1 And have you ever lived off the land?

Speaker 1 Lived off the land, like in what, like foraging for berries, killing something and eating it and that. I can teach you about that stuff.

Speaker 1 okay like fish have you ever gone fishing uh yes oh no have you ever done it without a rod do it naturally with a spear i can teach you about that too

Speaker 1 y'all are big campers well like we do it every weekend every weekend yeah pretty much without fail huh where well big bear last weekend that was fun and then sometimes we'll go just to we'll just go to riverside and just camp right in downtown riverside yeah yeah sometimes we'll do that i can hand-trap squirrels now With my eyes closed, to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 You should see what this guy does with a squirrel. It's unbelievable.
Yeah, yeah. He can follow a squirrel just like in sonar, like a dolphin.
Yeah. Just the sound.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. Yep.
450 kilometers away due west up the tree. That's the thing.
When he squirrel hunts, he does turn canada. Oh, yeah.
But for the most part. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I can also just

Speaker 1 get on my hands and knees and I can tap with my finger, right? And I communicate with earthworms.

Speaker 1 Is that pretty cool?

Speaker 1 That is awesome. Yeah.
Did you all get into it together? Well, when we were in the war, Desert Storm, we we were young.

Speaker 1 I was in the Army, he was in the Marines.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I was a tracker. You know what I mean? I tracked them, those bastards, those fucking dirty bastards, man.
They're disgusting. Disgusting.

Speaker 1 They're the real enemy. They're the real enemy, dude.
Worms. Worms.
You not see what they're doing to this fucking planet? Do you see Dune? Yes. Yeah.
They're going to rip us to pieces.

Speaker 1 Rip us to pieces, man. We're done.
Yeah, we're done for. And if you think that that's not what's really going on,

Speaker 1 that's the government finally telling us the truth. The truth.
And it's like, cap, pep, cap, pep. You know what I mean? I'm saying, please, please don't.
I just bought this house. Do not.

Speaker 1 Because when they come out of the earth, it destroys buildings. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But my point is, is this. So, what else? We go camping.
So we, you know, our fun trip, though, when we went to the rainforest in Brazil. Oh, that was so fun.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We spent a month in the rainforest in Brazil and we observed the birds of paradise. Wow.
Mating rituals. Do you know much about it? We lived with a tribe half of the time.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 And then every weekend y'all go camping? Pretty much. Yeah.
if we can do. If we can do.

Speaker 1 And we do it alone style.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've seen that show. Yeah, so we do it with really nothing.
Okay, awesome. Yeah, yeah.
So we're going to go out there with maybe no tent.

Speaker 1 We can build

Speaker 1 our own lodge. I'll say this again.

Speaker 1 You're inside these walls. You're a bad friend for life.
You're a friend of ours. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Don't be scared of us. Okay.
No, because in here we want to protect you.

Speaker 1 There's nothing about this place that wants to. You must have to have to pee real bad right now, huh? No, I did think about that.
And no, luckily.

Speaker 1 You know, I want to share something with you last night. Last night, I did make a mistake.

Speaker 1 So let you know that blue thing, that vibrator I have, that wrapped around my kick, the vibrating thing. Thank you for being a bad friend.