What Happened In Vegas w/ Dax Flame

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Pressure on it.

Like, we've got to start out strong.

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Pressure on it. Like, we've got to start out strong.
Let's start off weak. Okay.
Let's start off very weak. Can I say something? Oh, God.
You want to open the show? No, I just want to ask you a question. Okay, I love questions.
Yeah, go ahead. I didn't know you weren't on the same list as OJ Simpson.
You made a list this past weekend. You and OJ Simpson share.
I know, but we can't talk about it legally that you told me. What do you mean? Well, we start a week.
Okay. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white brings up so much bullshit. Oh, it just brings up all my trauma.
Yeah, let's talk about how my dad beat me again. God.
Well, let's talk about... Let's talk about what?

Who's in the studio today.

It's John, Stone John.

Stoney John.

Stoney John, and he's here, Joint John, John the Joint Man.

He's here because Carlos and McCone both got the flu in Vegas.

And when Asians get high, their eyes are completely closed.

It's unbelievable.

How do you drive?

Like, how do you do that?

Oh, my God.

A stoned Asian driving? You drive better, yeah. Or focus stoned asian driving no thanks yeah it's a pass for me yeah i love stony asians you drive better but dude have you seen a meth asian they clip the kind of bonsai trees oh my god better than mr miyagi way better really yeah you don't know that That's it.
I'm not around a lot of meth agents Yeah yeah Oh dude Imagine if you had meth Back in the samurai days Wow One samurai just going crazy He'd make a sword In like five minutes You know it used to take them Forever to like Five minutes yeah Five to Yeah A sword? Yeah He would cut himself right It would turn on a scab And then he would just pull it out and eat it because meth people okay and well meth people they also can i say something about uh was there a meth back then i don't know when was crystal meth invented well i mean look we had to have some form of this there had to been some form floating around right yeah well there's methamphetamine has probably been around for a long time that that chemical makeup of methamphetamine it's all science isn't that it's all science yeah yeah i you know if i had a time machine i would take fentanyl no just hear me out loads of it what era are you going back to the 17th century you're gonna go back to the 17th century what is? That's us. What do you mean? How far? When is it? I mean, America was still around, right? No, there wasn't.
Declaration of Independence. That's 1800, right? No, 1776.
1776. I go 1776.
What? Wait, wait, wait. An Asian Korean guy with a bag of fentanyl.
But what century? From a time ago. What century is 1776? The 17th century.
Did you go? No, it's not. It's the 20th century.
18th century. It's just one more up.
19th century. It's the 18th.
You already said it. 18th.
18th century. Oh, 1876.
18th century. My bad.
In 1776, you're going back to the bag. You said 1776.
That's 17th century, no? No. Okay, my bad.
Zero to 99 is what.

History, man.

That's not history.

That's math.

Anyway, I show up.

Whatever.

Hey.

No, shut up.

Time machines have a button.

Yeah, so I go, one, seven, seven, six, right?

I'm sorry. Your fingers are too fat for the machine.

No.

And I go, go get the, you know what I mean?

Flux capacitor.

Right?

To Marty.

Yeah.

Marty runs up.

Okay, boss.

Okay, boss.

Right?

Stick it in there.

Get the electricity.

Is it raining yet?

Right?

It's got to rain, right?

It's got to rain.

Right.

I got to bring it to 89.

Right?

Put the fennel in.

The fennel's in.

Now I'm 17, 76. and i'm in bakersfield doesn't exist i know but i'm there well it's okay it's you and natives then exactly i get them hooked first oh dude you're doing what we did last time yeah no just doing it again but i'll hook am i gonna get in trouble for saying this history really does repeat itself it does yeah i'm not giving them smallpox something way worse yeah yeah yeah no oh that's true no i should go east coast boston boston okay stay in okay boston the tea party the tea part dude tea and fentanyl we don't even know what that combo does that's a great there should be a fucking little shop in france that shows that has fentanyl and tea anyway point is you like tea with your fentanyl yeah have green tea with your fentanyl and then you would make a killing because they've never heard of opiates yeah but money is worthless then it's worth less than yeah but you get like gold teeth oh you could get gold a trade right gold tea? Gold teeth, a wooden leg.
You want some fentanyl? Give me your gold tooth, wooden leg, and one of those feathery pens. You can get those anywhere.
I know, but from... If you went to a bank back then, did their pens attached to chains have feathers on them still? That'd be so funny if you stole one of the feathery pens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir, that's not your feathery pen.
That'd be interesting.

That belongs to the bank.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I thought about?

I would go back in time with heavy artillery, like real guns.

Real guns.

Before they had it.

Back to the gold rush days and just rob everybody.

They had guns then.

Yeah, not like I'm...

We have fucking...

I could have an AR-15.

I could have a bazooka.

Yeah.

Give us your gold. Give us your gold.
Load it. Right.
Think about it, dude. If we could go back and rob anything or anywhere, I mean, obviously you'd want to rob Fort Knox, right? That's the ultimate goal.
Do you know what that is? Of course I know what Fort Knox is. What century is that one in? We still have it.
That's right. What is it? It's where they put the money.
That's where they put the money. The gold, the gold bars.
And we know that's not true. It's not true? But that's in folklore.
That's where they keep alien bodies, in my opinion. I think Fort Knox is filled with top secret shit we're not supposed to get to.
Because everyone thinks it's an AR-E 51. No, thank you.
I think it's- Studio 76. Studio City? Studio 76.
Studio 54? No, it's Studio 54. Studio thank you i think it's studio 76 studio studio city studio 76 54 no today studio 54 studio 54 is it studio 54 where they have the fucking aliens yeah no is it is it no what is it oh i always oh my god i've told i've used studio 54 or in reference to aliens before in conversations I know you you have.
Thinking it's the same thing. And people have been looking.
I remember people going, what are you talking about? I'm telling you, it's in Arizona. They go, it's in New York.
They should have opened up a Studio 51 in Area 51. A coked out nightclub to see aliens.
Dude, look at this guy's arms. You know, I saw the other day on tiktok too by the way someone was dissecting how we think dinosaurs look a certain way and she was like i'm a biologist and she was like this doesn't even make sense the way that they've thought dinosaurs look or the way we draw them it's basically skin on bone she's like that's not that you have, there's tons of cartilage and fat and all sorts of stuff and muscle.
She was like, a dinosaur is basically the shape of the bone structure with a little bit of, you know, outlining. She goes, but look at your nose.
If you remove your nose from your face, it's a fucking hole. So this is just all cartilage, but they didn't account for like random pieces of things sticking off of the dinosaur.

So she's like, they didn't look anything like that.

Oh, what you're saying is like.

We've just guessed what we think that she.

They have big noses.

What did you just say?

Do they have big noses?

There's Jewish dinosaurs.

There was.

There was.

You know, we'll be extinct someday. Yeah.

And how do they hold the money? Little hands Little hands Can we get in trouble? You can Yeah We got cut out? Yes No Stacey's Jewish Do you approve? Are you Jewish Stacey? I am She approves She approves She approves See? Yeah It's See? Yeah. It's all in good fun.
It's all in good fun.

Look, if there was Asian dinosaurs, let's do that then.

If you want to go down the line.

Oh, what do you mean?

Aurora.

Yeah.

Dude, by the way, an Asian, just Asian-eyed dinosaur is so funny to me.

That's such a funny...

And their nails are immaculate.

Yeah, it's so nice.

Look, Aurora. The Vietnamese did this all for me.
When they swipe the prey and they're in their hands, they're like, wow. Yeah.
Beautiful nails. Wow.
Asian dinosaurs. We lost a couple of our employees over the weekend in Vegas getting too sick.
These guys stayed out all night. You should see.
We got them passes to the chain smokers. McCone was up next to the stage.
He was wearing a mechanics uniform, by the way. They let him to a nightclub.
He's wearing a mechanics onesie, like a one zip up. McCone was.
Yeah. I didn't even know that.
And Carlos was a good boy. I didn't know that was even a chain smoker thing.
The chain smokers in Vegas? You did know we were going to see the chain smokers. We literally said it 50 times.
Nope. Everyone in the room has proof.
I was in my hotel room. No, dude.
You were in the room with Shay Matash. And what's the other gentleman's name that you brought? Oh, my God.
That was a nut. Okay.
So I'm going to just say something. I apologize for.
May I apologize for something? Fucking please. So first of all, Vegas, great show.
In fact, I mean, I don't think the mgm liked me but we can't wait

to go back to the mgm you can't you can't wait i can't wait yeah yeah i can't go you have to wait

i have to wait so um so you know afterwards it's our last u.s show you know i mean we may do more

in the future 59 cities is what i think they tallied up. 59 cities.
It's crazy. Great show.
Afterwards, everyone came out. I had some friends from Vegas.
Shema. Tosh, who's a comedian who I used to room with in LA 30 years ago.
You know what I mean? She came by. She was rad.
So nice. Yeah, she opens for Carrot Top.
She's a great impressionist. My point being is this, okay? You have your family there your family there we have also you know who i love the the fucking watchmakers family christine i talked to her for like 20 minutes well she's not a watchmaker she sells them just call her watchmaker it makes it it makes it better watchmaker watchmaker make me a watch i feel like she has one of those little things and she's in there well they definitely have one of those things okay okay what are.
Okay. What are those little things like that? You know what they're called? What? Drop glops.
So they have a drop glop? Yeah. Anyway, families, kids running around.
Beautiful, right? Yeah. But then a week before, Polly was like, dude, my friend wants to go.
Polly hit you up? Yeah. And I go, all right, who's your friend? I can't, right?

Beautiful woman.

So I'll get her backstage, right?

No, you got her backstage.

I got her backstage.

So as soon as I, she's a nice lady.

She was very nice.

Very nice lady.

But she did something where she was like, I'm going to hear her.

I know she has my number.

I'm going to hear her. Well, let's hear it now she was just like who does this cocaine anyone well that's actually really polite oh that's true i mean it's but off of your finger fingernail or finger was there a fingernail it was like it was almost her finger was so sweaty it was like blotched on oh wow like it was it surrounded her pinky she went a couple of minutes she's like crack anybody solidifies yeah yeah and people are like oh no thanks like i've never i don't know have you been offered cocaine before yeah what the fuck i've never been offered cocaine because maybe i'm sober sober oh that's right i mean i don't do cocaine everyone who knows me knows that but i wouldn't i've been offered it still from people when's the last time you did cocaine i've never done cocaine do you not not know this? My father went to prison Because he had a cocaine addiction But one time I mean You've known me for 15 years You have to be curious I've never done cocaine Well my dad liked this Don't make me want to You know I met him He's a great guy You did When did you Oh in Chicago Chicago Yeah Great guy No no he loved cocaine He loved it You've never done anything white In your nose Except for women oh uh in my nose yeah in my nose yeah i don't think i've ever snorted anything i think i mean i've eaten stuff i mean pills and all that bullshit would you you never smoke crack that's not snorting i don't think i've smoked crack no i'm thinking about it well do you think i'll tell you what i did one time like a fucking moron.
What? You know the hookahs, you know, smoking hookah? You know how they put like the charcoal thing on there? One time I smoked some of that. Like the dumbest.
I was like 17 years old. I think I smoked the charcoal nugget.
So bad. We didn't know how to use it.
What do I... I'm not a desert dude.
So I just want to say I had to try to get her out of there. It was very polite of her to offer cocaine.
I do think if you're at a party and you have cocaine, you should offer it. You do? You're supposed to.
It's a party, it's a party drug. Yeah.
It's not a solo drug. I think, but you know, being a sober guy, I just can't hook up with cokey coke people.
Heroin feels like a solo drug. Oh, so she would said, if she went, anybody want to tie off? I've never, that? That would be crazy That would be out of pocket Would you hold the rope if she was like If she was hot, like super hot Hold the rope And you're always going to get some action Hold the line! I don't think you should hook up with anybody who is currently using, no, clearly To me You're saying that to me Yes, who else am I talking to? Why not? What? Why don't I think you should hook up with someone who's currently using drugs No why not It's detrimental to you in the program Well people drink around me I don't care People barely drink around you No In fact we don't drink around you much I don't almost ever drink around you Well you should because it doesn't affect me Yeah but I do it out of respect because I don't And I also don't need to enough to do it in front of you I don't care Dude I dated a girl a month ago she goes can I smoke weed in your car I'm like I smoke yeah I don't know why you do that I don't give a fuck no you should not yeah yeah you're hot go smoke my friend Joey no don't smoke I'm sober hot chick smoke smoke do whatever you want you know what I don't care it'd be so funny if you pulled over made her smoke weed outside then get back in get out then get in I don't think you should date people that are using drugs actively okay it's just my opinion i might be wrong it's interesting what would the program say the program doesn't there's nothing in the program that says that is there something in the program that says in the first year or so to not date someone in the program isn't that a whole thing in the program well it's not in the book but it's it's kind of like one of those they say do not get in a relationship within the first year of sobriety.

Right.

Any relationship.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

So it's like you wait 12 months.

And then you can dabble.

You can dabble.

And like if I was a,

if I had a sponsee who's sober,

new, sober,

and I said,

he goes,

can I date?

I go, yeah.

And then at 12 months,

I would probably go, but no one in the program probably that's a healthy thing i think no you see a lot of it work but it's like the worst is when you're dating somebody you fall in love in the program and the next thing you know you find that they relapsed wow right what do you do you relapse no no you party It's hard, man. You have to first...
Because it's a disease, so you can't just go, I'm out. You got to go, can we figure this out? Do you need to go somewhere? You want to help them.
Because I can't live, you know what I mean, like this. I can't...
Because then you become an enabler. Yeah.
And that's just a completely different program, you know? So it's like... I think you would do like a little intervention and then- I think a lot of people I've known in my life who have gone through that have had that predicament where they have to, they're put in a position where someone that they're in love with or friends with or family that they're using and they used to use and then they have to walk them slowly back to not using.
But then you compromise your own safety and security. But that is a cool thing to do.
Yeah. But it's also very dangerous for you yeah ergo i don't don't think you should be dating anybody who's currently using ergo what what i'm got ergo ergo you shouldn't i'm making a good point your honor ergo ergo it's a new air bud movie it's with uh no what is it? I've literally never heard of that.
You'll have seen The Matrix. Ergo.
Ergo. Okay.
What does it mean though? Do you know what ergo means? Therefore. It means therefore.
It's like- Fuck, man. And to summarize.
Wow. I know.
I was an English minor. You were, yeah.
You're good with words. No, literally honestly dude I really got stuck on Ergo yeah I saw your face yeah once you said that it put me into a completely different panic I think you thought it was from Star Trek Deep Space Nine yeah I was thinking where have I heard that before but then like in the context of what you said I'm trying to figure out why that you're like what episode did Ergo pop in yeah yeah yeah I'm Ergo yeah exactly okay you learn something new every day hospitality you know what that is I feel like I have two weeks I found out you just learned what hospitality with hospitals ever you know I mean no it doesn't have to do with I know i know that now i know that now but i never bothered to memorize the word hospitality because of the fact that like i at 52 years old okay how about so when i say the phrase hospo what do you think i was talking about like whenever i it's like ergo i just kind of let it go you let it go all these years it's like if someone says uh baseballio you know i mean like i was being baseballio right and you're and in your mind you're like it has something to do with baseball so i'm not gonna memorize that but it's not at all but i know to be baseballio needs to be rude to someone below you right right i know that now do not be spallio i will not be spallio you you know what i mean good but like hospitality was one of those where I just, you know, because the word hospital's in it.

Oh, I'm not a nurse.

I don't need to memorize that word.

But then once I figure it out, right, I'm like, oh, it's a part of, you know what I mean?

Wheelhouse of words now I can use.

It's so funny that he goes on a date with a nurse.

And he's like, so you work in hospitality.

And she's like, kind of, not really, but kind of. I know, that's and she's i know that's what i would kind of not really but kind of i know that's what i honestly that's what i but but a nurse does work in hospitality i know in a way right like andres's wife works kind of and i by the way i ran into them having lunch yeah cutest shit on earth who him and his wife yeah yeah his wife is fucking beautiful she's beautiful smart and sweet and cool and she fucks that guy yeah i know it shocks my soul yeah when i see her it almost makes me mad well actually makes me believe in god because something else has to be going on well no i think here's what it is and i'm not i don't know much about their relationship but this is what happened your wife beautiful woman you know he asked you know he asked her to be in his movie in spain too by the way i know he won't let it go okay yeah we're not doing it but my point is your wife let me just guess through her years she dated hot dudes just let me finish i'm sure she had are you projecting whoa he's starting a war Be careful buddy Let me ask you something Do you want me in your movie I didn't say anything No no no My wife dated hot dudes Okay And these hot dudes Fucked her over She went on their mean There's fucking messages From motherfucking A lot of pro athletes Right A lot of pro athletes You know what I mean There's a lot going on Her heart's broken Year after year Probably 80 dudes Yeah You know what I mean Over the years The Clippers Broken Broken My heart broken The entire Clipper team The Clipper team And the Clipper girls Right And then she She goes to therapy Or something then she goes to therapy or something, and the therapist, well, why don't you just

go low?

Go real low.

Yeah, go real low.

She's like, how low?

And they go, did you see the new J.J. Abrams Star Wars?

What's so funny?

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean?

And she's like, I guess.

Should I rent it?

And she's like, no, no, I'm just going to tell you, there is an animal in there called the pork. And there are these flying birds.
And Chewbacca eats one. Yeah.
Right? There are so many humans with that body. And scientifically, they don't get, you know what I mean? They don't fuck people over.
Right. Because they can't.
Marry a pork. Marry a pork.
That she did. She finds.
What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, dude? I'm doing a a show right now i'm looking for the tv's off anyway the tv's off you guys yeah yeah anyway is that what happened i'll tell you speaking of going low yeah today i saw a basset hound must have been how old was that basset hound do we think what do we say maybe 15 how old do they live i don't even know but it was so old but he kept his balls in the basset hound because you know how they're low to the ground they're long but low his balls were literally dragging on like joy diaz yeah they were dragging yeah cock sucker they were dragging on the ground i'm not even kidding they swayed back and they were hitting the concrete you like that i thought it was cool that cool. I think it's pretty cool.
I think it's cool that he kept the balls

of the dog because I will say this.

One of the biggest regrets in my life

I'm not kidding.

Is that we

we

nipped up our dog. I wish that she

could have puppies and I'm bummed that we

did. I wish we let her have puppies.

You can reverse it. No, you can't.

You can do it with men. It's not the same.
Oh, that's not a a visectomy It's not a visectomy Oh it's a woman Yeah man Okay my bad You know it's a woman A little tiny strong black woman Yeah a black woman That's right In my house I have a little tiny hairy strong black woman So she can't have babies That's what I say when I ask her Alright I say cubby can can you have baby she goes not after what you did yeah yeah but if you can reverse it what do you do you better get you better get away from me with that shit that's what she said you go to a dog park and just go go get go no here's some beautiful like little well first i put her in a little dress yeah yeah i i give her a little bit of smell good yeah yeah yeah and yeah, yeah. And she walks on little doggy heels.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I set her up.

We find someone, we find another dog that's applicable.

Yeah.

No, I wish we did be able to get her puppies.

It kind of bums me out.

I like to this day, I'm like, why did we fucking do that?

Well, let me say something to you. I didn't want her to get her doggy period.

I got one thing better than you.

Hmm.

But for you, I mean, I mean.

You get so Chinese in these moments.

Ergo.

Ergo. Ergo.
Ergo.

Ergo.

Ergo.

Hospitality.

Hospitality.

Guess what, guy?

What?

Don't do this.

Well, speed it up.

I will.

Clone.

You know the clone?

How much does a clone cost?

Because we talked about this.

You can do it now.

I can clone my dog

for like what?

How much is it?

15 grand?

15 grand now.

Wow.

Clone, dude.

Should we do it? I mean, I honestly, let's do an experiment to see if it works. To clone one of our dogs? Yeah.
I would 100% be into it. What do you guys think? Let's clone a dog.
It costs $50,000. Five zero? Dude, what happened to your voice, Barry White? What the fuck? It costs $50,000.
Why is your voice like that? I just had phleg okay clear your throat right now all right now let's say how much it costs fifty thousand dollars yeah yeah will you say it like an asian guy though please fifty thousand dollars no it wouldn't say dollars would they what would they say dollar yeah yeah dollar fifty thousand dollar thank you fifty grand that's still that's a lot of fucking money dude 50 grand that's a fucking car i know but this is what i would do what in 35 grand it says uh cat for cats this is what we're gonna do we do one spec this is a couple months down the road we do one special night at the irvine Improv. We do two shows on a Sunday, you and I.

And it's charity all for our dogs?

To clone one dog.

Okay.

I think we can make it up then.

I mean... And then we clone it.

So we have people donate during the show,

not the ticket sales, but donate...

No, the ticket sales goes toward it.

Okay, so we ask the club for all the ticket sales

because it's going to go toward the dog.

The dog, the cloning of a dog.

Good idea.

Yeah. I think it's a great idea.
Are you being sarcastic? Because sometimes I feel like you're not I am Yeah yeah yeah Very much so Very much not No very much so Very much don't do Ergo fuck you Hospitality fuck you Even if you didn't get it out It still is funny Hospitality fuck you So anyway yeah So we were talking about something Before all this rant But let me say this i tried to make matchmaker the other night at the comedy store you could you go from topic to my mind is brilliant you are brilliant thanks i tried to be i tried to play matchmaker at the comedy store the other night and dude i thought it was good wasn't it didn't seem like it was going good so i had all i had cash in my pocket i offered them all the cash in my pocket what What's Matchmaker? What's hospitality? What's Matchmaker? Yeah, Matchmaker. You try to match two people together.
God bless. Yeah.
Who, though? Give me that information. People in the audience.
I'm getting there. Oh, so you're in.
For anyone listening. They get it already.
Okay, go ahead. I guarantee they get it.
Go ahead. Two people in the front row of the store.
And he was like a young, handsome kid. She was a good looking chick.
And I just looked at him. He was wearing like a weird shirt.
And then I said, who is this to you? And he's like, we don't know each other. They sat us together.
We're singles. And I was like, well, let's, I mean, let's make love.
Let's like find love tonight. Let's do it.
Was she attractive? They both were. Fantastic.
He was in the military.

Good.

That face was really funny.

No, I just-

You went like this.

Good.

No, don't get it wrong, and you're reading it wrong.

Am I?

Well, then play the tape back.

No, play the tape back, and you'll see this.

What branch?

That's what that face was.

That's not what you said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say it again.

He was in the military.

What branch?

I get it. Curious.
Marine. Could be a navy site marine corps beautiful yeah and I said to her I said where do you live she's in Orange County he lives in San Diego I said this is right near each other yeah and then I said I'll give you the money in my pocket to go on a date didn't I say this I had a bunch of money in my pocket I was ready to do it and I said I'm, I'm going to do this if you're really genuinely going to go on a date.
And she went like this. Oh.
And then they sat next to each other. Oh.
For the rest of the show. Oh, dude.
But then you read him wrong. No, no, no, no, no.
He was into it. No.
He didn't seem like she wasn't. I know you're not.
Can I just go on not on camera our friend is not on camera and she's thumbsing me up

Stacy could I just ask one question

go ahead

was he hot

he had a great body

but he was handsome

he wasn't hot he was a handsome kid

and she was good looking

by the way they were in the same league

oh you know Bud Leagues

what league am I in

league of his own

Thank you. with Brett Harrison.
Well, don't lead me to water. You're a fucking asshole.
You don't want me to drink it. You're the kid from the Sandlot.

Which one?

The fat one.

Oh, fuck you.

Red hair, same kind of weird.

He's a lawyer now, I think.

He's married to my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, that's right.

Yasmin.

Patrick Renna, right?

Yeah.

He's killing it.

No, that's you.

That looks just like you.

Okay.

I'm Madonna.

If we did this again, that'd be you and I'd be Madonna.

Oh, if you're a... Okay.

Yeah. Oh, they should do an Ocean's Eleven, but like reverse and do that with that movie and then all men.
They did Ocean's Eleven. It was all men.
No, but they did a women version of that. Yeah, they did Ocean's, what was it? 13 or something? Eight.
Ocean's Eight. Yeah.
You have to be a little less. Yeah, but they do all male, a remake, a 2024 remake of A League of Its Own, but switch it to men.
Okay. Yeah.
Make a different period. 1700s.
1734, whatever we said. You know what you could play? Put some fentanyl in there.
In a new movie? You could play Shohei Otani's little illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble. Sho Otani plays the Dodgers his buddy got in trouble for gambling with his money you could play him in the movie if they ever make a movie about that I hope you do and do we have any big Asian friends that are like 6'4 who could play Shohei who do we know that's like a tall Asian oh I know Yao Ming our friend I know Yao Ming you don't fucking know yaoming you do not look at this that's him and his buddy got in trouble that's you 100 on the right that is fucking that's not me dude yeah it is that's you if you were in japan that is literally what you would look like if you were japanese how did he get in trouble he was gambling a fuckload of his money what was the total what like 45 million wait he was gambling the baseball players show his money yeah wow now here's the real show i drunk no no no yeah here's the real story uh who knows whether or not show hey knew if he was gambling or if he was with gambling with him and then this guy took the fall.
oh i roughly uh 160 000 per bet that's so that's insane you know who was going off the road you know who was betting like crazy what did i talk about this already with um at vegas brian bomb gartner from the office who played kevin him and a bunch of guys were at the high roller table he can gamble that motherfucker had stacks had stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of chips. He can play multiple hands, you know, doing the quick thing.
It was impressive to watch. And then I saw that and then they were like, Hey, come sit down.
And I was like, I'll go find the $20 table. I wouldn't, I'm not gonna.
Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah.
I mean, $3,000. Like dude, guys around them were betting three to five thousand a hand no yeah did he make that much money on the office yeah blake griffin goes those residuals must have been yeah i mean yeah he must have i mean if he was a showrunner i think maybe but it's like that's a lot of fucking money dude yeah five grand a hand as well but also maybe he's that's his shit gambling might be his thing but if he's good at it and he can make a profit then okay well then that's his thing he was killing it i guess if i go 250 300 i'm out i go to bed 300 yeah i've seen you i saw you win one time you won a hundred dollars on a on a slot yeah and that made your whole weekend i know i'm out you know what i mean you're gonna lose in the longest we could get a Charlie Ranch rancher when i don't go to sleep you know yeah yeah look at his head so you saw him yeah he played in the golf tournament that we played was he nice it's great guy yeah yeah great guy great guy great gambler everybody was nice i've met a couple of people from that show i've never met steve carell have you i've never met him i've been introduced to him one time to say hello but you know what I mean one of those like hey Steve I've never even seen him in the flesh I've never seen Will Ferrell in the flesh I've seen him in the flesh I used to coach kids soccer and his kids would come to the soccer and he would come and I was on my little squad was Ryan Philippe's kid with what's her name what's wrong with me yeah Reese Witherspoon wow their kid used to be in that too so you see Ryan go hey Mr.
Phillippe no I didn't say a fucking word oh you were quiet I stared at my shoes I know I've been there I just didn't want that because I was a young nobody actor and I didn't want to be like hey I'm trying to be I actor. I didn't want to be a bear.
Especially because he's hot as fuck.

What do you know about soccer though?

They're fucking children.

Kick it, run, go, good. No, no, no, no.

There's like tactics.

Not when there's-

Your defensive midfielder.

They're five.

What?

They're five.

They throw the ball-

Right back, help out.

You're an attack.

But then you fall back left.

What do you do?

The goalie- You don't know shit! The goalie back left. What do you do? The goalie.

You don't know shit.

The goalie.

Sorry.

Why am I yelling?

The goalie would be eating.

She would just be sitting. Put down a sandwich.

No, let her eat the sandwich.

All right.

Oh, women.

Girls.

Mixed.

It was boys and girls.

Doesn't make no sense.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Makes no sense.

Have you ever seen kids play sports?

No.

Five-year-old kids, they throw them all together.

They let them go. I used to be a lifeguard.
It was just kids in the pool. Did a few of them die? That's why I don't.
Yeah, big fucking deal. That's why I don't have kids.
That's not why. It's because you like anal.
I told you you can't make kids in the pooper. I've told you that like a hundred times.
You have too much sex with girls in the butt. I've never.
Ergo, you don't have kids. Okay.
Wow, you're using it in a sentence see thank you so we keep doing it do it three more times throughout the rest of the podcast and then i'll learn it's a beautiful thing but but what but what i'm saying is is that how oh oh sorry i thought i was saying hi no no no what i'm asking you is if i have a child okay You know what I'm going to be the best dad imaginable Okay Will you quit doing that I didn't know what that means Like you're praying that he's going to be alive I just have an itch I'm itching my arm It's a nervous tick Okay If I have a child And my son goes, Papa, I go, don't call me that.

Already, why?

Already weird?

Why are you being mean to the kid?

He's just saying Papa. I want Papi.

I'm the kid.

Papa?

Yes, Giltroy.

Why did you name me Giltroy?

Well, I don't know.

Shane Gillis, half, right? And Troy Duffy, he's a director Love And where's Mama? Mama? She's in Hawaii, let's leave it at that She's somewhere in Hawaii Let's leave it at that, son Yeah, Giltroy. Are you ever going to get me another mama? No.

Yes.

Because some of the whores you bring over are gross.

Carlos is not a whore.

And they offer me cocaine.

And they offer me cocaine.

And I'm seven.

Carlos offers you cocaine.

That's what I could never have as a babysitter.

Okay.

But I would look at you, Gil Troy, and say, ask me if you want to play soccer.

If you can play soccer.

Papa.

Papi, but Papa's fine. Papi.
Okay. want to play soccer If you can play soccer Papa Papa's fine

Okay

May I play soccer

Son let me tell you something

Yes

He's such a polite kid

Yeah he's such a sweetheart

He's too sweet

No he's very sweet

He's too sweet

Make him a little bit more fucked up

No be nice to him

It's his kid

Oh it's your kid

It's my kid

My kid wouldn't go

Yes sir

Alright ready

Yeah me

Yeah

I'll be your kid ready

Alright

Papa

Yeah Gil Troy

I'm sorry. No, be nice to him.
It's his kid. Oh, it's your kid.
It's my kid. My kid wouldn't go, yes, sir.
All right, ready?

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I'll be your kid.

Ready?

All right.

Papa.

Yeah, Gil Troy.

I'm playing soccer this weekend.

Okay, you may.

I know I may.

You have to take me.

Son, relax.

Calm down.

No, shut up.

I want fruit roll-ups.

I want sliced up fruit.

And you know what I want?

Yeah.

Swedish fish, only the red one.

Okay, first of all, look at the cabinet. Look at the storage cabinet in the kitchen right we got every flavor of fish fry fish right all the things you mentioned they're there.
Roll out all of it You know what Papa? What Gil? No hospitality in this home Yeah you don't even know that worry we're not doctors Ergo fuck you dad Yeah we're not in Star Trek Alright so you're right maybe i shouldn't have one no not after that experience holy shit you know what you could have your son you are my little son no let me do it hey buddy yeah what's going on it burns what burns little guy my heart your heart burns what is it in the left long area oh wow that's pretty specific yeah and it's like a pinching oh it hurts are you having a heart attack oh you just had some gas yeah i got you daddy right you're funny. Right? You're funny.
I'm good.

And then I go in the other room to my wife.

We got to return that.

That Chinese kid will be adopted.

We got to get rid of that guy.

It's not working out.

He feels like he's Bobby's kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with the kid soccer thing that you were hung up on?

Yeah, they play unisex.

Here's what I'm hung up about.

Okay, so it's like my son would know, my son is raised knowing the arsenal code gunner code yeah the gunner code okay he would know about the emirates he would know about arteta he would know about the players formations what are what you first of all arsenal is like barcelona we're tiki-tac tiki-tac football. Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass.

What does it have to do with kids playing with other kids?

What I'm saying is my son, if he's going to play anything,

we're going to bring him to – he's got to be good.

But at five years old, he's just going to be thrown on the field.

He's not going to know. He could be a prodigy because let me say something.

Bakayi Osaka was from the Arsenal Youth Academy.

He was 11 when they found him.

But he started at five. At five, you can see.
He was a miracle. You're a miracle.
All right? I'm sorry. Thank you.
You're welcome. I mean, that's a compliment.
But I want my kid to be the best at whatever he does. But you don't want him to play soccer with other people? I would call around.
Also, DNA has something to do with that, too. Yeah, it's got to come from you.
God, it's, you know, it's funny.

It's funny.

You know, by you saying DNA is basically saying,

you're fat, Bobby.

No.

That's what you're saying.

You're a fat, sloth-like, lazy creature.

You know what I mean?

Who barely, you don't even walk, you slither.

Holy shit.

Stop beating my mind.

Oh, my God. You slither like a snail you fucking abomination and let me say something i come from everyone listen here now good stock real good stock my dad was very athletic my brother's athletic was ranked number three in the four in the nation as a wrestler my brother was in high school.
Google that. No, don't Google it.
I just made that up. Don't do this.
Well, don't do that. Don't do facts.
Don't do not facts. We're a comedy.
I make shit up all the time. Yeah, but you're taking the stances if you're being serious.
That's true. All right, so what I'm saying is that I want my kid just to – I would call around L.A.
County and go, what's the best young male soccer league? And you'd get him in that. And I would see if he doesn't have the skills or the ability, then I would go like, oh, let's just go to the local place.
What if your dad, let's say your kid says to you, Papa? Gilroy? I don't want to play soccer okay well what do you want to do I want to be a cheerleader I want to be a male cheerleader okay um Gilroy yeah room for a second okay okay and then what I mean on my couch and I I put my head And I'm like This motherfucker I swear to fuck Okay fuck Anyway Knock knock knock Hey papa Can I come in Gilroy Come on in Alright I come in Oh my god What's all with the glitter You want some? Ow My eyes again Anyway Anyway there's so many unicorns In this room

Look at all the pictures of the boys on my wall

Those are all cheerleader boys

Okay, you want to be a cheerleader?

Mm-hmm

Okay

I'll make some phone calls

Thanks, Papa

And I call Justin Martindale

I don't know where to go

I would call a gay friend

I don't know where to go I would call call a gay friend. I don't know.

I don't know where to go.

I would call Fortune Feimster.

Yeah.

Fortune, you know anything about cheerleading?

No.

She's like, hell no.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

It was a no.

Yeah.

What would you like?

Daddy?

Yes.

Yes, son.

Yes, Marcus.

Thank you for naming me Marcus.

You got it, kiddo.

What do you want, Marcus? I'm not done talking. Why do you always interrupt me? Marcus, speed it up.
Daddy, I just want to be able to express myself and get it out. What do you want to do? Anyway, Daddy.
Yeah, Marcus. I really like killing small things.
I go in the forest and I see and I see a little squirrel, and I take scissors, and I like to chop his head off while it's alive because I can see it wiggle in my hand, you know what I mean? And then I just, like, squeeze it, and I drink the blood. I love it so much.
And I like the bones. I like the bones of these little creatures, Daddy, and I like to make little skeleton creatures out of them myself rather than destroy them myself.
You know what I mean? Hail Satan, Daddy! Hail Satan! Go to your room. Okay, Daddy.
You mean my coven? Go to your coven. I'll go to my coven, all right? And I'm gonna go inside my little fucking...
And then you go to your room

and then I go lay in bed with my wife,

your mom. Yeah.

Oh, you're going to go lay in bed with... again?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What would you do?

She's reading a book. Yeah, yeah.
I turned to her and I say,

I think we got

a winner on our head.

Really? Wow.

Because sometimes you can't control it it I've seen it on TikTok you can't control what your kids do yeah you can't control no matter how good you are as a person no matter what values and ethics that you relay to them sometimes God gives you cray cray sometimes God makes a serial killer right someone had it had to come from something well speaking of which we have somebody here who will introduce our guest here one second we just had our guest walk in the room put on your headphones if you want to head to headphones you can have them do you want headphones or no they're right there on that yeah Okay. Introduce yourself to our audience, if you don't mind.

I'm Dax Flame, and I'm a YouTuber, and I'm happy to be here.

And yeah, I think you guys are very funny, and you're very funny, and I think you'll have awesome chemistry.

And thanks for inviting me.

I love this guy.

Dax.

I fucking love you.

I've never had.

I saw you on the internet, and I was like, I got, we have to have that guy on the show okay cool where are you from texas what part yeah um uh a suburb of dallas do you miss texas no okay is everything bigger um no yeah so let me can i ask you something are you seeing somebody no so you you, right? Yes. I haven't acted in anything for a bit.
Well, actually, my friend makes movies on YouTube and stuff, Joel Haver. And so I've been in those, but haven't done any Hollywood movies for a bit.
I was in Project X, which was filmed right down the street from here a long time ago. So I was past seeing that as I came up.
I don't want to dox. Did that give you trauma? No.
No. That wasn't a bad experience for you.

No.

You say like you went by it like it was a negative thing.

It was a good thing, right?

Oh, I went by...

Where they shot it.

Yeah.

But it didn't make you feel something.

Did it make you feel something?

No.

Nothing at all.

Were you the star of the movie?

I'm the cameraman.

So it's like a found footage movie.

Oh, right, right.

So yeah, I'm like the guy who's filming everything. So you see me some people say that i'm like oh there you are yeah yeah yeah oh you're young then yeah that was when i was 18 18 you came out here from texas to act yeah yes you always wanted to be an actor your whole life no no what was the what was the impetus uh doing youtube videos um yeah doing youtube videos that made you go i want to be an actor yes and then you did that then you did 21 jump street and 22 yes yes how was that awesome does anybody on those movies that you didn't like that you didn't get along with not one person on there you didn't get along with but what happens you do 21 22 right you do you know i mean the x right and then you did you stop going on audition did you not want to do it anymore like what uh just it slowed down um it slowed down for a while and then i just didn't get any more movies um and so then i was working at an ice cream shop in a sushi place for a bit yeah then uh have just been doing youtube since the pandemic yeah and then now i've been doing some like TikTok and Instagram reels too.
I kind of stopped talking about those movies online. Oh my God.
Oh no, just on my own TikTok. Oh, I see.
Yeah. Okay.
The rumor is you called Channing Tatum a bitch. That's not true.
Or no. That's not true.
uh no that's not true

um no

I don't know who spread that around

but man

yeah

that's a bad rumor

what you call

Channing a bitch

Channing Tatum

Channing Channing

um

a bitch ass hoe

you call him bitch ass hoe

um

no he didn't do any of this

anything

good good good

what was the ice cream shop

you worked at

uh it was called

Ample Hills

they're closed down

um

Ample Hill

if I walked in there

like and I came up to you at the, you were the register guy? Yes, or I would scoop and then ring people. Okay, let's play that.
I come in. Okay.
Wow, cool little ice cream store. Would you like any samples? I'm not up at the counter yet, but okay.
Hi, this ice cream store? Yes. Oh, cool oh cool hey were you in 21 jump street yeah nice to meet you nice to meet you wow you're working at a ice cream store this is crazy yeah yeah yeah what's wrong nothing okay anyway hi are you gonna order yeah i know there's a line sorry i'm so sorry i so sorry.
I just would like to order. Is there a way I can get maybe a selfie with you? Yeah, of course.
But let's order. What do you recommend? Oh, my God.
It's ice cream. Fucking get something.
There's a line. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
I've never been at this ice cream store, and I don't know. I don't want to just get vanilla.
And he's also a fucking celebrity, so just give me a break. I heard he's in a Project Triple X movie or something gross.

Just take the photo, get the ice cream, and go.

What flavor do you recommend?

I'm sorry, this lady behind me.

I'll recommend it.

You know, these Karens.

Ooey Gooey Butter Cake.

And you know what?

I'll give y'all both a free school bite.

That was my nickname in high school.

Ooey Gooey Butter Cake.

I'll take one of those.

Okay.

And it's on me today.

Really?

Thank you.

What are you doing after work?

Sorry, ma'am.

Hold on.

Just going home.

Oh, you want to hang out?

Smoke some weed?

I don't smoke, but sure.

I'll hang out with you.

Are you Bobby Lee?

Yeah.

I am.

You know my work?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

So what time you get off?

Seven.

Seven?

It's fucking three.

I'll wait.

Okay. Four hours.
Can I order, please? please yeah go ahead bitch god god hi hello i want to try one of everything so i'm i'm curious because i'm fascinated by you we saw you on the internet we were all talking about you carlos was saying how much he loves you you you you you did you did you did have like a run of film and this is like a real thing in hollywood do you think work slowed down because you didn't really want to keep going as much or did it just kind of the organic i definitely wanted to you did yeah well i want it to happen so we need to we need to work with him oh i want to work with you i want i want to work with you on something because i think you're fucking good good actor nice nice guy i just don't like the way that the thing happens all the time because for us we've all had you know it goes up and down and up and down but it's fascinating how like you've done much larger movies than either of us have had have done that's true 100 21 jump street is a fucking massive now did you see residuals that were good from that for a long time yeah that's what i lived off of until i was working at the ice cream shop wow does it hurt though but like like in your mind you're like i was in movies and i'm like i mean i don't know oh does that does that go through your mind or uh well first I did a food delivery job. And then I was kind of like, I was kind of feeling like, okay, yeah, I used to be in movies and now I'm doing a food delivery job.
Does that mean anything? And then once I was working at the ice cream shop, I no longer had that mindset. Yeah, that went right by you.
Yeah. And then I had an awesome assistant manager there, Stacy.

Shout out to Stacy.

Where?

At the ice cream place?

And good coworkers.

Oh, wow.

I love your soul.

I love your soul.

And then one day it just closed and you were bummed probably, huh?

No, I hated it.

I hated the shop.

Oh.

Wait, wait, wait.

That makes sense. Wait, wait, wait.
You loved everyone you worked with. Yes.
Yeah. You loved the customers.
Yes. Yeah.
I didn't get a promotion. I had a lot of frustration by the time it closed.
They're cutting my hours. Sorry to Ample Hills if that's still a place.
Like, because they started in New York. Don't say sorry to them.
Don't be sorry to them. Yeah they fuck say what you feel about ample hills they're very delicious they have very delicious ice cream check it out but go go glad let's go at corporate go ahead but i didn't enjoy working there and get your fuck fuck you yeah yeah no i hit it out i hated it yeah uh and um get into it don't get into it dig in i'm i'm the ceo when it well hello my name is bill gilbert uh giltroy screw you bill yeah yeah oh he just screwed you yeah yeah he just said it do it again hit him hard screw you oh wow you screwed me i employed you and by the way 21 jump street sucks you're gonna let him say that stuff to you? You little punk

I'm a CEO

Don't ever talk to me like that

What are you gonna do about it?

You little punk

Your shop went out of business

You were a bad business person in LA

Maybe you're succeeding in New York

But you failed here

Look at this fucking guy

Fuck you you little white punk

Little bitch punk You're never gonna work again What else you got to say? Ooh, look at this fucking guy. Fuck you, you little white punk.

Little bitch punk.

You're never going to work again.

What else you got to say?

No, nothing.

Wow, you got to fight.

Okay, okay.

You got to fucking fight, man.

Screw you.

I hate you.

Ooh.

Let's see.

You're a mongoloid. Dude, in the middle of a fight to say let's see is maybe the funniest thing i know like you know what nice fuck you you're a nice guy let's see thank you yeah yeah you are such a sweet soul what do you do on your channel on youtube i am trying to figure out what to do so i've just been trying to make new show ideas and um and on tiktok i've been doing lots of like giveaways i've been doing i actually tried nice to meet you stand up comedy for the first time you did stand up for the second time i did one other open mic before um oh this is great push pause just push push pause on this real quick john john so high he's just looping it while we're fucking chatting all right so here we go back.
Here we go, okay? You introduce him. You're the host of a comic club.

Hey, that's my time.

This next comic, unbelievable.

Such a funny dude.

You've seen him in such movies.

He's 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, Project X.

So fucking funny.

Texas' own Dax Flame.

Woo!

Hello, thanks for having me.

So do you want me to do some jokes let's see this is the these are the jokes I did at the comedy place we're the audience thanks for having me I hope you're doing great so do you ever ever have a social interaction that you wish went differently? So for example, the other day I was in line at a grocery store and a guy said I could go ahead. Basically, I was in this line.
The guy said, go ahead. And I said something to him that he didn't realize that was a joke.
So I was like, okay, that just happened. And then if I had a genie, if I had a genie, all my wishes would have been used on things like that long ago.
Speaking of genies, how do those lamps work? Is there like a giant room in there? Is it just asleep until it's rubbed or whatever? This is good. This is so good.
Keep going. And then my ex-girlfriend.
Okay. My ex-girlfriend used to get headaches a lot.
Not my fault, I promise. And whenever she would get them, she would get really mad at me because I'd be like, let's see.
Oh, I'd say, don't worry, it's only in your head. And she'd be like, no, I really have a headache.
And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your head. And then I had this joke kind of.
Let's not, let's not give away all the gold. Okay.
I want, because are gonna have you on a show yeah we're gonna have you gotta come on a show on a show on a stand-up show yeah yeah can i can i there you go experiment with mr flame here real quick yeah yeah may i all right so look so this is what we're gonna do it's like we're gonna do stand up on the spot okay so i'm gonna give you a topic you're just gonna riff don't even think about it okay you just riff about it right my mind goes blank when i try to do that but i'll try you're gonna you know what in improv it's only yes there's no no that's right i know that right all right so here we go beef brisket go ahead beef brisket is one of those popular things about like barbecue dishes and i'm from texas so uh people like to eat that but i never liked barbecue So, and I'm from Texas, so people like to eat that, but I never liked barbecue.

So.

It's good, it's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really good, dude, really good.

We're, what do you do?

I'm a financial analyst.

What do you do? I'm a financial analyst. What do you think about that? Okay.
I don't know. But my wife, my wife works in a, she works at a cemetery, right, babe? She- I do.
She does embalming. She does embalming.
What do you think about that? There's got to be a lot of funny stories. Mr.
Comedian.

Dolores Cemetery.

My grandfather's buried there.

What's the funniest thing you've seen there?

Huh?

What's the funniest thing you've seen at a cemetery?

Flips it on the audience.

Well, everything I've seen at the cemetery is way funnier than your act.

I'll tell you that right now.

Ooh, says the crowd.

You suck.

Whoa!

Whoa, burn!

How do you own a heckler?

Ooh. Are you asking us? yeah oh how many followers do you have half a million yeah 500 000 now because the past two months have been really good i hope it keeps fucking growing it goes too yeah i really like you man i don't know what about your eyes you catch me good thank you yeah no i mean not a good thing oh yeah yeah it's not a good thing what do you mean it's a great thing no There's something about your eyes.
You catch me good. Oh, yeah.
Thank you. No, I mean, not a good thing.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
It's not a good thing. What do you mean? It's a great thing.
No, there's something going on with your...

I'm sorry. Can I...

May I say something? Yes.

There's a sadness. Okay.

No.

I'm so sorry. May I go here or no? You can do whatever

you want, but I like our guest. No, I like you.

Dude, let me just say this before I ever say

what I'm going to say. I like it.

Thank you. A lot, Dax, And I think that you're a talented guy.

And I'm just happy to be a pleasure as all mine.

Okay?

So then.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

A pleasure to be here.

Okay.

Dax, how old are you?

32.

What's your biological name?

What's your birth name?

Well, I don't.

Most people don't know my first name.

And I've always been reluctant to say it because, like, what if people, like, find my address or whatever. Ah.
don't know my first name. Oh Reluctant to say it because like what if people like find my address or whatever.
Ah But people know my middle name Which is Madison hmm. Oh, I like Madison.
Thanks, but your eyes. Oh, yes.
May go back to the eyes. Yeah I mean, God, I want to know your first name so far.
I mean too. I think maybe we'll guess If we guess it we would you say could I show you my ID and won't reveal it on the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we would never do that.
That's fucking awesome. Yeah.
You don't have a wallet? Just throw it to me. There's no camera.
Cameras will not pick it up. There's no wallet? Those guys won't do anything bad.
Okay. We should buy him a wallet maybe.
Yeah, can we get him a wallet? We got to get you a wallet. Oh, wow.
What? That's not what I thought. Let me see.
That's wild. What is your...
Yeah. I mean, it's almost like a puzzle.
So, what's your middle name? James. Young.
Young? Yeah, yeah. Cool.
How did you get this name? That's his last name. Might have been like a great grandpa or something.
I'm not sure. Are you Italian? I don't know.
Well, I took a DNA test. What did it say then? A lot of things.
Yeah. Okay.
Are you black? No. Korean.
Are you Korean? No Asian. No.
Jewish. That was on there.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Are you proud of that? Yeah.
Happy Passover. Happy Passover.
I know one I know celebrates. I mean, like friends do, but like no one.
I didn't grow up with any celebrating of that or anything. So you're against Jewish holidays? No, no.
No, I just don't have never done that. You don't like them.
You don't participate. No, no.
Even though it's your heritage. I think they're awesome.
You sure? Yes. Okay.
What's your favorite one? Passover. That's your favorite one.
And you didn't celebrate it even though it's your favorite. No.
Or Hanukkah. Yeah.
The Hanukkah is better. I don't know actually.
So you don't, you're making a mockery of it. It sounds like you're mocking it.
Unintentionally. If so.
If I am, I'm sorry. It's fine.
Well, she's Jewish. I would apologize to her if anything.
Yeah. Is that offensive I said? Yeah.
Oh, sorry. I mean, I feel like you're making a mock.
I mean, you spit on her dreidel. It's verbally spitting on the dreidel is what you did.
I see. I see.
Do you think all people are equal? Yeah. I don't feel, I don't buy that when you said that.
It's insane. Yeah me throw you this back here let me see ready let's do a little oh my god nobody thought that was gonna happen by the way nobody in here thought we were gonna make that work and we fucking did we connect on a different level thank you let's get into your dating life so when's the last time you've uh been with somebody uh that's a little forward oh yeah, let me rephrase it.
Yeah, please. He's new.
I'm so sorry. You're a new friend of ours.
You know what? Excuse me. And you know what? Let me say this.
I'm so sorry. When you're in this room, you're a bad friend family.
You're a friend of ours, really. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you. We don't want you to feel- So just relax.
And also, if you want anything cut out, we'll cut it out. Okay.
So feel free. Seriously.
Anything you want. We're not a gotcha podcast.
Okay, okay. So if you came up to us and says, hey guys, I don't like that.
I don't want that part in there. Like the Jewish part, for instance, then we would cut it out.
Do you want us to cut that out? Was that uncomfortable? If you think it was bad. Do you think it's bad? I didn't.
I don't know. No, no, no.
Don't look at the Jew. Yeah, don't look at the Jew.
Cut that out. That's even worse.
Don't cut that out. Okay, just because she said it was.
All right, so when's the last time you had a girlfriend? No. I've had one girlfriend.
In your whole life. And whenever I did that stand-up joke about my ex-girlfriend, that was a hypothetical.
I'm going to say this to our fans. If there is a nice woman here in Los Angeles who's interested in our boy, please hit up the pod because we'd love to set you up on a date.
I think I really like your energy. I think you're smart and you're sweet and you're cool.
And for some reason, something in my world wants to know you, help you, work with you. I don't know what it is, but I like you a lot.
You know, him and I have some projects. Okay, awesome.
Are you excited about them? Not really. No, not for all of them.
No, some of them. I mean, this one is great.
Cool, yeah is great cool yeah this one's fun but you know we will keep an open mind and have you in our thoughts no I'll put you we'll put you in something I'll just say that's what I meant to say well you're saying it like a you know CEO well I'm saying it like you know I mean we'll put a pin in you oh like a studio executive we'll put a pin in you did you ever get close for a role and you didn't get it that you really wanted yes what was it we're the millers oh you'd be that kid huh yes and then this ryan gosley movie his directorial debut uh and then you got close on both of these and the watch those i was the runner-up for all of those fuck yeah that's the story of our lives huh yeah runner runner-up yes yeah are you going out on auditions now? No. No.

Do you have someone that's going to send you out or no?

Not.

I don't.

I haven't gotten an audition offer in like four years or so.

Why?

Why?

I need to fix.

I want to fix this.

I don't believe in this.

I want to fix.

I want to fix.

I need to fix.

I want to fix.

I need to fix you.

I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix.
I want to fix. I need to fix you.
I need to fix what is broken with you.

I need to fix what is broken with you.

I need to fix what is broken with you.

With you.

What do you think?

That was good.

Thank you.

You want to get involved in the song?

I need to fix.

I need to fix.

What is broken with you.

I need to fix.

I need to fix what is broken with you. I need to fix, I need to fix what is broken with you.

I need to fix.

What is wrong with you?

Yeah, say it.

Melodically.

I need to fix, I need to fix what is broken with you.

Something needs to be.

Yeah.

Very good, dude.

Very good.

I mean, a musical thing could be something that we could do together.

Now, let me ask you.

I know I have an inkling you don't like to hug. Like if i came up and gave you a hug you wouldn't like it no yeah no why well it's i it's fine actually if i yeah it's it's fine but maybe like i'm telling you i'm gonna give you a hug when you leave well in the fine yeah well could i also in the italian culture right when you when you meet somebody the first time, it's got to be a 10 second hug or it doesn't

mean anything.

Okay.

We're supposed to kiss on the cheeks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In Korea, we kiss on the lips.

Sometimes with tongue, but that's, you know, depending.

To a stranger?

Yeah.

Yeah.

On 100%.

South Korean kisses on the mouth.

North Korean does tongue.

Yeah.

You're lucky he's from South.

Yeah.

If you have a tongue, they chop it off.

If you kiss the wrong way. You know north korea um just not much it's a fair answer it is a fair answer are you on the apps which one dating apps uh i yeah hinge hinge is it working i i don't use it enough.
Like, I don't message or swipe.

That's how it works, you know?

Yeah, you have to do that together.

Like, when you turn on the card, you have to put it on the engine.

Have you been banned from any apps?

Have you been banned from a dating app?

No.

He has.

Why did you get banned?

Three of them.

Why?

Lied about his age.

Why?

Lied about his age.

How old am I, Dax, do you think?

Forty. 50.
Yeah. 52.
52. Okay, awesome.
How tall do you think he is? Because he lied in something like 36. I watched something yesterday where you said 5'3 1⁄2".
That you watched? One of your episodes. That is right.
Okay. So before you came here, you kind of looked at, familiarized with yourself.
Yeah. Had you ever seen the show prior? Not the show, but I have seen y'all.
Clips. Yeah.
Yes. Did you know of us outside of this show? Yeah.
My friend Lisa Nova. Well, I haven't talked to her in a long time.
I love her. She was on MADtv.
I know Lisa very well. I knew her from back in the day.
Wow. She's disappeared almost.
Yeah, I haven't kept in New York. She's in New York.
But I ran into her once. She made mucho, mucho money.
Yeah. And left.
She was a YouTuber, right? She started Maker and then sold it to Disney for like $500, $600 million. That's good.
That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money it's a lot of money when you ran into her you think maybe lisa donovan yes yes yeah so uh so yeah i had seen i had seen you're familiar with me you don't know who i am uh yes i do know who you are give me a couple of things you've done um this is weird it's fine we can cut it out if it's weird but i want him him to answer.
Ricky Stineke, yeah? Yeah. Say it again? He said Santini.
I love it. Ricky Santini.
Ricky Santini. Yeah, yeah.
I'll have it. Give me something else.
But then, like just lots of awesome clips. Yeah.
I love you. You know what? You just endeared yourself to me do y'all have a rivalry no we don't it's great Bobby's created a fake fantasy Bobby's riding off of mad TV for a long time it's an awesome credit it was yeah god bless you I knew there was something about you dude and you And you and I, dude, we're back in it, aren't we? We're on that wagon.
Okay. And we're going to the sunset, dude.
It's amazing. I'd like to think, and you can say that I'm wrong.
Great credit, right? Yeah. Is it good? I think so.
Yeah, yeah. Do you like Matt TV? No.
Okay. I was more of like an SNL guy.
SN is great significantly better quality than Mad TV when did Mad

is Mad TV not on?

that's right no yeah one of them is still on

what you just did there now

because you wanted to combat him

because I knew how you felt

but what you did is you went

you know what I'm going to defuse the situation

I'm going to go this way

and I like what you did

but at the end of the day I know how you feel

and thank you so much Dax for being here

Thank you. But you went, you know what? I'm going to defuse the situation.
I'm going to go this way. And I like what you did.

But at the end of the day, I know how you feel.

Okay, thank you.

And thank you so much, Dax, for being here.

And I'm going to say something.

I'm going to do something for you, man.

Something deep, provocative.

Maybe some pussy.

We'll see.

You're going to give him some pussy?

We're going to help him.

Okay.

What?

What if he doesn't want it?

If you don't want it, it's fine.

What about a hug?

One of your hugs?

One of his good hugs.

No.

I might be wrong, but I think maybe you could be a reoccurring guest on this show.

I'll come back anytime.

Do you drive here?

Yes.

Okay, good.

You have a bike?

I do.

Do you bike often?

Not anymore for some reason. So you rode a bike here? No.
Okay. Have you ever fallen off the bike? I do have a scar on my chest from biking into the back of a car.
You know, I would like to hear that story before we move on. Yeah, I would like to.
I know, before we move on. But can I also, well, I don't want to talk about your bike.
I'd like to hear that story. It's pretty much just that.
I just, I just, I just bike into the car. The car was parked and no one was in it and there was a gas tank on the back that popped open too it was leaking gas but i just went down to the beach and asked a lifeguard for something to put on my how old were you 17 or 18 here you went here in southern california and you did this to the lifeguard uh well i just told him that i had a a...
You did this, so... How did you lose focus and hit a car? Oh, maybe I did.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't lose focus.
I think my foot slipped or my hand slipped. And then by the time I got it back, I slammed on the brakes and then skidded and I was going too fast or something.
You know, I just want to say something. You ever watch porn with dudes like this?

You're saying about his penis size is big?

Gigantic.

Yeah.

It's kind of me.

Yeah, and guys that have a little bit of...

The same body structure, everything about it.

Yeah, the vibe.

Vibe.

Do you like trains?

I like being on them.

Okay.

I like... They are very peaceful to go.
They're nice. Yeah.
Amtrak Street. But you're not going to go to a train station to look at them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like you like trains.
That was interesting. That's so good.
Well, because I feel like he has interesting hobbies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is that? Is that a crazy question? No. Do you like marbles? No? Dude, I feel like you have marbles in your pocket right now.
No, I do like going on trains, but I have nothing to say about marbles. Do you know why you like trains so much? Yeah, they're very peaceful.
Yeah, they fucking are, aren't they? The last time I was on one, it hit someone also. Speaking of- It hit a person.
It got delayed. I didn't see anything, but it got delayed.
It was a jumper. Well, I looked at an article the next day or two later and they just said that someone got hit in the arm and I think they were fine.
Oh, they were alive. Usually somebody jumps.
Okay. My mom used to take the train every day when we moved from Chicago to the suburbs and maybe once a month someone would jump in front of the train so it would delay her work day okay real frustrating when someone takes their own life and inconveniences everybody else's kill yourself on your own time or yeah don't what I agree with you don't kill yourself true true but also if you're gonna do it don't make it hard on other people true do you know what I mean what's your favorite meal to eat what's your death row meal you ever play that you know sometimes that you're on death row what's don't make it hard on other people.
True. Do you know what I mean? What's your favorite meal to eat?

What's your death row meal?

You ever play that?

You know,

it sounds like you're on death row.

What's your last?

Oh,

this is a good question.

Maybe,

well,

smoothies are like the thing I have most,

but in terms of like,

if there's no money limit,

then I'll get like good.

It's your last meal,

bro.

Sushi or steak.

Sushi or steak. You can do both.
Yeah, both. What kind of meat are we talking? What kind of steak? I usually just get sirloin.
Well, I was vegetarian for a while, and now I've just been eating everything again. Now you're back on the beef.
I bet you... What's the best steakhouse you've been to? Damon's, I think it's called.
Is that... Are you talking about the one in Glendale? Yeahale yeah that's a really good one that's the one i told you to go about yeah it's like the it's like the tiki theme yeah that's a really oh my god i love that place it's a good place i love oh you're a you're a foodie huh uh dan damon's is so fucking cool i've told you to go there i'm gonna go you're a foodie um yeah i guess i i don't really know many steak places no but do you like you you you do like to go there.
I'm going to go. You're a foodie? Yeah, I guess.
I don't really know many steak places. No, but you do like to go out and eat at fun places.
Yes. But the restriction, you said the smoothie thing, is that a health thing or a financial thing? I just love smoothies.
Right. Hey, guy.
Yeah, we do too. What's up? What's up, dude? We do them pretty often.
What kind is it? It's called none of your fucking business, brother. No, it's a fair question.
It's called chocolate... I didn't know.
That's why I said that. Chocolate lover.
Yeah. It's chocolate and peanut butter.
I would like to go to Wii Spa with you. Okay.
Would you get naked? Do you know what that is? I would not get naked. No.
Something told me that... Wait, wait, wait.
Stop. I'm very offended by that, by the way.
Why? Because it's like you looked at me and you go, I will not get naked. But it's almost as if you said, I will not get naked with you.
No, with anyone. With anyone.
So. Except for someone you're interested in romantically.
This is the border that he's. I know.
But what I'm saying is, is that we we're not the we spot is it's it's um there's a communal place where men and women congregate okay hospitality ergo ergo right and then but in the in the we have to first get naked and put on the we stall clothing so you wouldn't get naked with me you're putting on clothes i would go into like a bathroom stall if that's possible yeah that seems pretty fair oh that's insane did you ever play sports as a young lad but i wouldn't be offended if you wanted to undress and would you look at my penis uh no even though i said look uh uh if i go hey dac look accident if I know what you're doing then no

you're giving him the keys to the castle

you're letting him know what's going on

you may come in

come on in

do you ever chew tobacco

I've tried smoking a cigarette

how was that

interesting I guess

do you have any interest in chewing tobacco

I don't think I'm interested in that

smart

have you tried it

Thank you. interesting I guess.
Do you have any interest in chewing tobacco? Want to try some? I don't think I'm interested in that. Smart.
Have you tried it? Chewing tobacco? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's tried everything. You've tried everything once.
Except for guys. That's the thing I think.
Okay, that's fine. I was a kid but let's not bring that up again.
It's weird. Well, I mean.
You bring it up more than once in an episode. Well, you've tried guys and I haven't and you said everything once.
It's making our guests feel uncomfortable because obviously he doesn't like it. No, I don't feel uncomfortable.
First of all, this guy said he was a Democrat. He's open for all this stuff.
Yeah, yeah. You're cool with gay marriage.
Yes. I think that's great.
Open borders, right? Yes. Yeah, good.
Free healthcare for everybody. And what's the last thing we always say? Trans women in sports and men in sports is very good I want to know what you don't like what are things that bother Dax traffic yeah that's it there's been a lot of construction on the apartment unit next to mine for the past like two weeks and it's like just waking up to like banging and grinding and stuff yeah do you live in hollywood uh no uh in uh two miles east of hollywood so in your mind when you're seeing hearing that what are the thoughts that go to your head you want to kill them don't you No Be honest We're all pals here Right

Right

And your mind's like

Ah thoughts that go through your head. You want to kill him, don't you? No.
Be honest. We're all pals here.
You're going, eh, right, pop, pop, pop, pop, right, right? And your mind's like, ah, I'd take a fucking machete. You know, what do you think? No, I don't think that.
Okay, what do you think? This sucks. Yeah, this sucks.
He is right. It does suck.
Right, right, right. That sucks.

You don't have revenge fantasies?

Am I the only guy in this building that has revenge fantasies?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Yeah, the way you asked.

Yeah.

John, no, he's Korean.

Hey, back me up.

Revenge fantasies?

Sometimes I picture myself going back to my bullies and beating them up. Yeah, dude, that's what I'm saying.

And I picture, I have fantasies like that. You don't have fantasies? People that harmed you, you know what I mean? Like, I should have done this.
You know what I mean? I should take a bear trap and chop their fucking leg off. Did anybody bully you? As a young person? Anytime.
Oh, sure. There's like internet hate comments, but I'm just immune to them at this point.
There was recently, this isn't bullying, but like two days ago,

I was getting out of my car

and someone like honked at me.

Well, I got out of my car

and then I went back into it to scoot forward

to give them more space to park.

That's nice.

And they honked at me as I was getting back in.

Like, they didn't, that was annoying.

That was not bullying though. No.
No. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, think about it. I want a day with you.
Yeah. Days.
I want days with you.

Okay.

Can we do this? I think we should do a camping thing.

Would you go camping with us?

Yeah.

Have you ever camped?

No.

Yeah.

And have you ever lived off the land?

Lived off the land?

Like in what?

Forging for berries, killing something and eating it that night? I can teach you about that stuff okay like fish have you ever gone fishing uh yes oh have you ever done it without a rod do it naturally with a spear i can teach you about that too y'all are big campers we do it every weekend every weekend yeah pretty much without fail huh where well big bear last weekend that was fun and then sometimes we'll go just to we'll just go to riverside and just camp right in downtown riverside yeah sometimes we'll do that i can hand trap squirrels now with my eyes closed to be honest with you should see what this guy does squirrel it's unbelievable yeah yeah he can follow a squirrel just like in sonar like a like a dolphin yeah just the sound yeah oh dude yep 450 kilometers away due west up the tree that's the thing when he squirrel hunts he does turn canadian but for the most part. Yeah.
Oh, dude. Yep.
450 kilometers away due west up the tree. That's the thing.
When he squirrel hunts, he does turn Canadian. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But for the most part. Yeah.
And I can also just, I can get on my hands and knees, and I can tap with my finger, right? And I communicate with earthworms. Is that pretty cool? That is awesome.
Yeah. Did you all get into it together? Well, when we were in the war, Desert Storm, we were in the war Desert Storm we were young I was in the army he was in the marine and you know I was a tracker I tracked them those bastards those fucking dirty bastards they're disgusting they're the real enemy worms you not see what they're doing to this fucking planet you see Dune yes yeah they're gonna rip us to pieces rip us to pieces man we're done yeah we're done for and if you think that that's not what's really going on that's the government that's the government finally telling us the truth the truth and it's like tap tap tap tap you know what I mean I'm saying please please don't I just bought this house do not because when they come out of the earth destroys buildings.
You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But my point is this.

So what else?

We go camping.

So our fun trip though,

when we went to the rainforest in Brazil.

Oh my God, that was so fun. Oh my God.

We spent a month in the rainforest in Brazil

and we observed the birds of paradise.

Wow.

Mating rituals.

Do you know much about it?

We lived with a tribe half of the time.

Yep.

And then every weekend y'all go camping? Pretty much. Yeah.
If we can do. If we can do.
And we do it alone style. Oh, I've seen that show.
Yeah. So we do it with really nothing.
Okay. Awesome.
Yeah. Yeah.
So we're going to go out there with maybe no tent. We can build our own lodge.
I'll say this again. You're inside these walls.

You're a bad friend for life.

You're a friend of ours.

Thank you.

Don't be scared of us.

No, because in here we want to protect you.

There's nothing about this place that wants to- You must have to pee real bad right now, huh?

No, I did think about that.

No, luckily.

I want to share something with you last night.

Last night I made a mistake.

So you know that blue thing, that vibrator I have that wrapped around my dick?

The vibrating thing?

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.