Heaven's Back Door

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
So what I want to say to you, that is, that's my final straw. And before when I came here, dude.
No, no, no, just hear me out. Hear me out! Hear me out, dude! Hear me out! We're not even going to air this part.
We are airing this. I'm putting my foot down, dude.
I'm tired of being... Don't tread on me.
Don't tread on me. All right? I have a statement.
All right, so here's my statement. I have a statement as well, okay?

Since the last

podcast, you too, McCone, I've been thinking

about the ways you guys treat me.

You treat me like... Not you.
Okay, thank God.

I didn't say your name. You looked over here,

so I thought it was me. No, I was looking for

backage. Affirmation? Backage.

Oh, backage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blockage or

backage? My back. I've got your backage.

That's right. Yeah, you got my backage.
Now, let me tell you something, you scumbags. Listen up.
Yeah. All of you.
What, me too? No, you're good. Okay.
Yeah, just those two. Go ahead.
No, you go. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Listen up, man. I'm backing up.
I'm being... Fuck.
I'm just being... Korean.
No. When I do...
No, it's not right. Okay, okay.
I'm trying to back you. Obviously, I am.
Yeah, always. Yeah.
Right. So sometimes I feel black.
I do, dude. Okay.
You know what I mean? Al Green. What are you tonight? Are you black or Korean tonight? I'm Armenian.
Armenian tonight. Yeah, yeah.
Well, get him, baby. Yeah, yeah.
I feel I have extra hair on my legs. And I played chess at the park today.
Yeah. No, you move your car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, you know, and I'm being completely honest, okay? And I'm being very mindful, all right? So, you know, the last time we were together, you ripped on me a couple of times out of nowhere.
You two McCone saying that I'm a bad actor, which is really interesting because I had directors come over to my house today to pitch me on a movie. So many different opportunities, but, you to each his own but what I'm going to say to you is is that and I came in here I was joking around like going I'm not going to do your movie but because you slammed my dick just not being real right I'm saying my dick is small and I have to spread it around very funny by the way it was and touche to you but what I'm going to say to you is I will not work for you as an actor.

This is the only... With me, not for me.
I'm not going to do anything with you. With or for or behind or up front.
Nothing. Only this pod because I'm sure there's contracts signed.
Well, he works for us. Exactly.
So find somebody else. I'm not doing it.

Can I read my statement?

No, no, no.

I don't care what it is.

I will not do it.

I'm too busy.

It was a favor in the first place,

but I only do favors for people that have my package.

Package.

Package people.

Package boys.

And there's no back there.

Let's hear your statement.

Let me hear your statement.

Okay.

First of all, I want to say that no one has forced me to read this And that I'm doing it on my free will I recognize that lately my actions on this show Have been less than ideal I realize that making fun of Bobby is out of pocket I was taught that in comedy you have to punch up, but maybe I am a little too high. So from now on, I'll be switching teams, aim a little lower, and I'll direct my really funny jibs at Santino.
Thank you. Okay.
What do you think? That's a pretty good statement. It's not good.
By the way, you come at me, I'm going to rip you to shreds. Right.
And also, I know, I'm scared, literally, I don't trust it. Literally, I don't.
Do you think his wife wrote that? Someone else wrote that. That doesn't sound like you.
And also, I want a statement that you haven't written. Because you're thinking about it.
He's thinking about it, yeah. What I'm saying is I want a statement from the heart.
Not premeditated. Not premeditated.
I want you to be in the moment and really feel your feelings and express yourself, right? I don't think you're capable of doing that. No, you're not.
Because you're a shallow of a man. Yeah, you're right.
You're a Baja shelf. Do you know what that is? No.
I got that at Baja Fresh once. Yeah.
A Baja shelf is a thing in a swimming pool that's like the little shallow area for little babies to sit on. Oh, shit.
I learned something new every day. Look at that.
That's a Baja shelf. You are a Baja shelf.

Dude,

you're a Baja shelf for sure.

You're a Baja shelf,

pal.

I'll take it.

No,

you don't take it.

Okay,

I don't take it.

No.

Yeah,

yeah.

Bobby,

I love you.

You're the funniest person I know.

It's not working.

Well,

can we celebrate today?

What's going on?

OJ died.

That's not celebrating.

What are you talking about?

Ding dong, the witch is dead

i'm not celebrating oh you are you think he didn't do it do what okay no no whoa whoa whoa the glove didn't fit yeah well you must have quit that's a quit no um do what murder his wife no i um a guy who has no idea yeah he 100 did that i mean right by the way the devil got him finally they tried to put him away in jail didn't work then he died of cancer cancer he was 70 what he was 74 or 76 pretty young that's relatively young yeah 76 yeah i mean richard lewis died at 76 and he didn't murder anybody. So it's like.
I think Richard died from cancer and he died a happy life. He lived a happy, wonderful, beautiful life.
He was a happy man. This guy was tortured his entire, rightfully so.
He was tortured to the end of his life. Right.
He couldn't get away from himself. What if he didn't do it though? Who do you think did? It could have been like a double suicide.
You know Kato Kalin? She got stabbed like what 10,000 times? She could have went No, no, he did it. He did it, he did it.
He's a bad guy. He could have done it.
That's the worst part about it. I don't know anything.
I'm not a lawyer. I'm a dumb guy.
Why don't you have to prove who did do it then what what no whoa whoa you're blowing my mind right what how come you never have to prove who did it if you find out he didn't do it how come then then it goes away well he did it no but they proved that he didn't but he still did it I know if he did it why would you go like he did it why would I go oh let's find somebody else that did it no but I'm saying they they proved, quote unquote, that he didn't do it. I know.
So if he did it, why would you go, like, he did it, why would I go, oh, let's find somebody else that did it. No, but I'm saying they proved, quote unquote, that he didn't do it.
In a court of law. He lost civil, but he won the legal.
Right. So legally they said he didn't kill her.
He didn't. Legally.
Yes, he did. I know he did so who then if they say no who did it

this is like who's on first this is like the newest yeah yeah yeah i get what you're saying okay legally when it comes to murder murder in the first degree when it comes to it it said he didn't do it exactly so whom did he did you know what I mean

it's like you know

and at the Exactly. So whom did? He did.
Right.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you know, and at the ultimate test, if there's a heaven or hell.

This is brilliant.

Right?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah. That's where we'll find out.

Oh, right, right, right.

Now, if I die and I go to heaven and OJ is just chilling, right?

How shocked.

How shocked.

I would be, there's so many people up there that would be, like, if you saw Hitler, I'd be shocked. Bobby! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha right yeah and i look over and it's like you know and damer's chewing on something a human foot yeah yeah yeah but it's Oh, we have machines that do it up here.
Happy that you got in here, Robert. Yeah.
By the way, Hitler, how funny if Hitler's like, you're not going to believe this, there's a back door. Oh, he got in.
He was able to sneak in. Oh, wow, wow.
There's a back door to heaven. You know what's so funny is even if you're a bad person in the afterlife, like Hitler and one of these guys, I bet you they know enough people to get in still.
It's just like Hollywood in the real world. How about this? If Hitler was alive today...
I got one for you too. If you were throwing a house party...
Right. And here you go.
Oh! I'm coming! I'm coming! There's so much music! There's's so much You know what I mean Hello Hello Hey it's me It's Hitler Oh Oh How do we I heard this was a party I could go to To have a good time Yeah but who was the What do you mean How did I What's weird is that This is not like a normal party It's my best friend

Who's Jewish

It's a bar mitzvah

I loved you

I know but

Wait no

I just think that

I know but I just think that

Your presence here

It's just gonna

He's 12

13

Are you gonna believe

All the rumors about me

And not regularly

Get to know me as a real man

I know

I've just read too much

I think

So you've read too much about me

I did

Yeah but what

You believe everything

Yes you read

I'll tell you what

Everything you read about me

I'll tell you what

Thank you. Read too much I think So you read too much about me? I did But what? You believe everything yes you read? I'll tell you what Everything you read about me I'll tell you what Name one thing I did How about this? Yeah Name six million things I did wrong Right right right I get what you're doing Yeah so anyway What would you do if he came? I'd let him in Sit him down Sit him down yeah Rep him for his crimes.
He's almost... Want to know what was going on in his head?

What was going on?

He's almost too big to not let him in.

That's what I'm saying.

Is that weird to say?

It's like...

You know what I mean.

He's a legend.

In the worst way possible.

Right, he's infamous.

He's a legend.

No, this is something interesting.

He's so infamous, you would want to talk to him for...

Dude, if there's Jesus Christ.

I mean, in terms of like.

I just said Hitler.

In terms of like, you know what I mean?

Historical, legendary characters, right?

Hitler's one.

Cleopatra has got to be one.

Like, you wouldn't say no Cleopatra.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.

He's hot, too, and black.

I need black people in my party.

Like Pol Pot.

What? You want the, I want to understand. No, they don't know Polghis khan but definitely gay i want to know definitely gang you want to go how are you so fucking insane right what's going how did this happen exactly i think he's like bit like jobe jobe dude jobe's a sad character i'm letting jobe in yeah yeah And just all his woes.
You know what I mean? How many people died? This is the thing. He took my wife and, you know what I mean, and my children and, you know, famine.
But then he gave me a hotter wife or whatever happened. You know what I mean? I'd want to know.
Yeah. I got to know.
I'm going to throw you some names and see if you let them in. Okay.
Stalin. Yeah, I got his books.

Oh, his biography?

Yeah.

I got a good one, dude.

Vlad the Impaler.

Love.

Would love to know.

Why?

One of the most fascinating people on earth.

Yeah, but what if he brings like, you know?

Like a head with him?

Yeah, no.

I brought my guillotine.

Vlad, do you bring your guillotine to the party? I brought my guillotine. I'm sorry, are you saying your Valentine? What do you think? Happy Valentine's Day.
I brought my guillotine for Valentine's Day. Wow, so that's interesting.
Did you hear about this Vietnamese woman? I love them. She's getting the death penalty? Why? Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon.
You say it because I guess you know her. Oh, I don't know how to do that.
What is that? Vietnam, city, real estate tycoon. Trong Mai Lan.
The largest ever far place. We're getting him to learn how to do it.
Yeah, I'll do it again. Give me another shot here.

Go back.

Vietnamese sentences real estate tycoon

trung my lawn

to death his...

Fuck!

I'm going to do it

as a newscaster.

You know what?

Will you reach out

to KCAL,

the local LA news,

to see if we can become

newscasters for a day

to see if he can do the...

Give me the shot.

Can you imagine him trying to do the scroll? Oh, I can't. Dude, I'm so good at teleprompter, dude.
Really? That's not even moving It's my eyesight though Teleprompters move, this isn't even moving and you can't read it is the hard thing to say Here we go Vietnamese sentences sentences real estate- No, already wrong. Oh, yeah.

Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon Trong Mai Lan to death in its largest ever fraud case.

That's good, but it's so hard to hear you do it.

Why?

Because I can hear you going to it.

It's like robotic.

I'm a newscaster.

Oh, oh.

I'm doing it as a newscaster.

I'll show you how newscasters do it.

All right, do it.

You always try to show me up, man.

Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon Trong Mai Lan to death in its largest ever fraud case.

Do you hear... I'm doing it as a newscaster.
I'll show you how newscasters do it. All right, do it.
You always try to show me up, man. Vietnam sent his real estate tycoon,

Trong Mylan, to death in its largest ever fraud case.

Do you hear the inflection?

I'll try it again.

What did you just say?

His was way better.

He's not doing the movie.

I'm not doing the movie.

Those things don't work with me.

Okay. So this woman, Trong Mylan,

sent it to Thursday by death in Ho Chi Minh City

for stealing $12.5 billion, 3 percent of the country's gdp dude 12 billion how do they catch her at some point it took you that long 12 billion dollars but that's not a death i mean stealing what i was saying that sentence why do they they're gonna kill her it's nuts i mean you should only get the death sentence why? The death sentence? Yeah If you murder Bingo You murder you get murdered but who murders? See this is the Cape is a good one too Yeah Rappé Rappé Let me ask you though What? I don't know anything about my long tongue I'm asking you about my long tongue Okay son Try long my gang Try lang my gang Go ahead Open your gang

Try my lang

Sang

Man

Try my lang sang man

You're in a good mood today huh

Try my lang sang man

He's on fire today

You know I'm in it

I love it

You know why

Played with the dog in the backyard

Before I came here

But anyway

So what

What is it

I play with the dog in the backyard

No you're killing it

Am I not allowed to find happiness

In playing with the dog

You know it's so funny

Last night I was at the store

And a girl comes to me

You know I didn't know you

But I'm a huge friend of Andrew

Thank you. I play with the dog in the backyard.
No, you're killing it. Am I not allowed to find happiness in playing with the dog? You know, it's so funny.
Last night I was at the store and a girl comes to me.

You know, I didn't know you, but I'm a huge friend of Andrew. But, you know, since watching Bad Friends, you know, I got acquainted with you.

She's a friend of mine?

No, she's a fan.

Oh, fan.

I'm tired of hearing it.

It's like, yeah, I get it.

He's talented.

You know, it sucks, you know, and sometimes, you know, sometimes you think.

Funny, it never goes the other way.

People always come up to me, go fucking huge fan of Bobby. Just found out about you through it awesome and i go thanks man that's rad i don't think oh bobby that's what i said last night to her and you know you didn't you didn't even let me finish you just said i'm sick of hearing it because i'm sick of you know being so grateful fuck you dude let me finish dude so foolish i know i'm so sick of like being like so proud you're so filled with joy and joy is what i'm saying and i looked at her i go you know what i'm so blessed to be a part of you know me the bad friend what a great guy that i'm i was blessed to be in partnership with that's right geez you let me finish man no i'm sorry i apologize no i'm sorry i don't want to turn into fancy my bad that's fault.
Can I tell you something that I did the other day at the store, and it was a travesty on my part. What happened? And I can't name names because I don't want to edit things out.
Got it. There was somebody that over the years I've been kind of jamming on.
Making fun of? A little bit. You know, Ellen's podcasting and whatnot.
Okay. You know, a little mean.
So then, last week, somebody goes, that guy's here. He never comes to the store.
The guy you make fun of. Yeah, yeah.
No. So I ran out there.
Right? No, stop. I know, I'm just showing Andrew.
And I see him and his wife. I knew who it was.
Him and his wife. Yeah.
Are you tapping your feet? Yeah. What's going on? I'm nervous, that's why.
Put some fucking nicotine in your mouth. Okay.
No, I'll stop. You've never noticed.
I always tap my feet. No, but it sounds, you know what it sounds like? What? When a kid's legs are swinging off a toilet and they're like just hitting the ground a little bit.
That's what I'm doing. Yeah.
We can lower your chair, buddy. Okay.
All right. I'll stop doing it.

It's okay.

Distracting?

Yeah, very.

You know what?

I'm going to take my shoes off.

Take them off.

I don't want to distract you today.

You're a Hulu.

Oh, my God.

Today, I'm going to call you Hulu.

And I see him, and I go, what's up, man?

What's up?

And I give him a hug.

He gets up from the table, gives me a hug.

He's sitting in the audience?

No, he's outside in the patio. Got it.
And his wife is, I've never met his wife before. So I go, hey.
I put my hand out and she looks at my hand and she goes. No way.
Yeah. She denied a handshake.
Handshake. Wow.
And as I pulled away. Rage.
Not rage. No, shame.
Really? Yeah, because it's like I felt guilt. Well, you didn't do anything wrong.
Yes, I did. No, you didn't.
I would rip, rip, rip. You make fun of.
Yeah, not good. But let's say this.
The person you're making fun of is a comedian. Don't say that, but okay.
We make fun of each other. Exactly.
Well, that's what comic. You make fun of me all the time.
But you know what? At times it felt like I was punching down maybe.

So as I pulled away, it just, it was like a rain of shame.

And I walked away and I literally almost burst into tears.

Really?

Because of the guilt.

It got you.

Yeah, because I've talked shit for so long. But why did you talk shit? Because shit Because you really liked this person No because we were very competitive when we were younger So as I walked away I became a changed man And I got you know what dude No more of that You're going to correct your ways You're going to contact this person You're going to make amends And you're going to make amends.
And you're going to make it right. Did you? I didn't have his number.
I didn't have it. And I know the next part is, and I'm not going to find it.
You're not looking for it. But I have his Instagram.
Okay. So I DM'd him.
Oh, right, right, right. So basically I said, you know, I mean, I could read it to you.
Read it. Really? Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
Okay. Because you're known to hyperbolize from time to time.
All the time. But you know what? I'm going to be real here.
Yeah, I want to read it. I want to prove to you that this is real, dude.
I believe you. Well, I'm not.
I want to hear the verbiage. Okay, here we go.
So here it is. Why is it not loading? He probably.
Oh, there it is. Okay.
Locked you. So you want to you want to read it yeah hi so-and-so it was good to briefly see you last night at the store i noticed your wife didn't shake my hand which is totally understandable i've said things about you in the past on podcasts that i regret right i hope you can meet for coffee so i can make amends to you one day.
If you don't want to,

I totally get it.

I just want to say sorry.

Wow.

Okay.

And?

So he goes basically like,

understood, thank you.

That's it.

Understood, thank you.

Exactly.

Which is fine.

No, no, no.

Verbatim, understood, thank you.

I can show you the fucking...

I would like to see that

because that's awfully short.

Wow. Yeah.
That's basically saying, fuck you. Yeah, and I deserve it.
So check it out. It gets worse.
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I feel like now I'm planning to maybe try to do other things.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

To make amends.

Oh.

Figuring it out.

Go further.

To go further with it.

The program says go further.

I'll go further, right?

But then four days later, his wife contacted me.

On DM?

Yeah.

What does that one say?

Basically, she said, I'm confused.

Like, I didn't see your hand.

Oh, my God. I mean, amends for no reason.
Mistake amends? I mean, mistake amends. Mistake amends.
Now I feel like, wow, you dummy. Yeah.
You could have just just moved on Do you think she saw and she's playing Now that would be crafty I would say the other side would be This person said something to his wife And said why didn't you shake Bobby's hand I thought we're okay we're beyond all that And she was probably like well I I didn't see it I don't think I saw it and he's like you saw it I was sitting right next to you No I don't think I saw it. And he's like, you saw it.
I was sitting right next to you. No, I don't think I saw it.
Yeah, but the way he got up from the table to hug me, it was a really excited hug. Well, yeah, you're an excitable person.
Thank you. Well, so that's not validated.
No, I'm going to show you what it was like, okay? Yeah. If there was a comic, let's say Joe Rogan Joe Rogan alright you know oh he comes in like that what are you doing I'm not gonna act out can you move on oh my god what fucking guy did wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute to be fair he is doing his job yeah let me act out what are you talking about I always act out what are you coming and getting a special shot for man Dude it's like Christian Bale was right On the movie set Wasn't Christian Bale Right on the movie set When he fucking went on that rant Like don't move Good for you Good for you You know what I mean Get the fuck out of my shot I'm not working with you again then Right because I'm fucking performing And you guys are fixing the lights And jab And all kinds of I can't work under these environments I want a professional fucking show dude Dude he can't work under these environments Alright so stop moving dude Stop it Let's see a comic that was above me That had said some shit to me And I had a little bit of resentment And I haven't seen him in a long a long time dave chappelle right he walks out to me right i think my my hug would have been i would go through a process like should i hug him like there'd be moments of like what do i do here i would never hug him right but i think end up i i yeah i would i would never hug if someone i know is like talking shit about me and we don't know each other that well and it's's like, there we go.
So basically this person that I supposedly slided, it has no idea that even I did that. I'm sure he has a pretty good idea.
You did. I'm sure it got back to him somehow, but they were bad.
What I was saying, we were, but I mean, if you're mocking somebody and you don't know them, I'm not mocking. It's like, you know, I'm telling true stories about things that i've perceived but you know perception is the eye of the beholder really you know i mean so i perceive things obviously the other day dice goes yo ching you're telling that story wrong right about the gambling story and i go but that's how i remember it right he remembers it in a completely different way he thinks your name is Ching that's a big thought in terms of like you know what I'm glad I made amends it just got a little weird and that's it but making the amends is that's the important part that's all that matters I'm ready to do it I have a couple of wars out there that I want to squash.
What's another war you want to put out? Yoshi. From Super Mario Brothers?

Yeah.

You know that guy?

Well, I go to a different time.

I can get into the cartoon.

Well, I've seen you get into the sewers outside of the studio.

Yeah, yeah.

And when you do, you go...

Yeah, yeah.

Bob?

I've seen the rat from fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Splinter.

Yeah.

Well, I don't call him dad.

By the way, was that a white guy that did the voice of Splinter? Why? Because it should be, wasn't Because it's funny I'm gonna cancel him Yeah If he's not Asian This is like Jackie Chan No way Have you heard of him? The new one No in the new one Who was the original voice of Splinter? Kevin Kevin Clash Guarantee you that guy is fucking white Yes he is Wait wait you don't know Kevin Clash? I don't know who that is. You don't know Kevin Clash?

Say it again and maybe I'll remember.

It's just like...

I'm sorry.

It's like...

Let's stop.

Take him off.

Take him off.

He's black?

No, no.

Look at me right now.

That guy was black.

Stop.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

You know what?

And I don't want to start an argument with you.

No, you're doing it.

I hear you brewing it right now. I'm not brewing nothing, dude.
Dude, the coffee maker is warm right now and i feel the drip about to happen all right what i'm saying is it's surprising because you're somebody that when i talk to people about you uh-huh i go yeah he knows tidbits of information but i don't know stop talking man. Stop talking, man.
Who is Kevin Clash?

Just get to it.

How about, stop this.

Stop.

Be quiet.

Do any of you fuckheads who Kevin Clash is?

Everybody knows Kevin Clash.

Do you really,

do you know Kevin Clash?

No, he doesn't.

Okay.

Thank you.

Have you heard of Elmo?

Have you heard of Elmo?

Is that the red one? Yes, it's the red puppet that's full of love. You know why I don't know that? Let me finish.
Because I'm a big boy. Oh, you're a dumb boy.
And I'm a big boy and I don't pay attention to the Sesame Street voiceover actors. What the fuck are you on about? He's not a Sesame Street voiceover actor.
What is Elmo? I'm going to tell you. What is it? I'm not done talking.
Finish. All right? So, Kevin Clash was a guy.
He grew up in Baltimore. What are you, Wikipedia? No, I'm just telling you, because he's a legend.
Okay. It's like, I know things about Lou Reed.
I know things about Kurosawa. I know both of them.
I know things about Kevin Clash. Lou Reed and Kurosawa are not Kevin Clash.
Yes, he is. The voice of Elmo is like Lou Reed.
He's not the voice of Elmo. You're fucking so dumb.
Get fucked. The voice of Elmo is Lou Reed.
That's a comparable thing yes oh my fucking god oh my god you're gonna you're gonna make my throat sore dude you're so dumb dude do you know him personally i'm a huge fan if i met him it would be like why are you a huge fan of the elmo guy it's not just an elmo guy dude he just revolutionized puppeteering when the fuck have you been a puppet fan how deep is your puppet game well I mean I know the materials they use oh my god who was the voice of Bert Bert was uh Frank Oz who's the voice of Ernie it was um I don... I don't know.
You shouldn't know

this. Yes, I do.
Why?

Can I finish what I'm gonna say?

Is the voice of Bert Frank Oz?

I'm gonna be sick of this. Frank Oz is one of them,

Bert or Ernie. What?

Frank Oz is Yoda.

Eric Jacobson and Peter Lind.

Okay, fine. So you're not deep

in the Muppet game. I'm not

saying that I am a Sesame Street fan. Oh my god.
The The original voice. Listen, listen.
Can I just finish what I'm going to say before you get angry? I'm already angry. All right.
Because you yelled at me about fucking Kevin Clash, and no one knew who he was. I saw the documentary about him.
Him playing Elmo. No, no, no.
See, you're it was shut the fuck up no i saw the

documentary look up documentary about about kevin clash all right becoming elmo okay i watched it

well then you would have known who he is yeah i'm just doing this to brew you up all right like okay

take take take off right i'm gonna ask you questions about kevin clash please

really yeah all right so um you know how old was he when he first um met um

Thank you. really yeah all right so um you know how old was he when he first um met um kermit not kermit the frog but there's a guy named kermit who created kermit the frog that guy in new york 40 42 years old no he was in high school you didn't see it that's what i said high school that's what i said you don't know what you're talking about he just stopped giving him information let me give you the fuckingash.
Okay, real quick. Okay.
Yeah, our fans want to know. Oh, then we'll just move on then.
No, I want to hear it. I actually do.
Okay. Might be a lot of Kevin Clash fans in the house.
He's a legend. Understandably.
Okay. So what happened was, you know, he was, you know, his parents were both, you know, African American.
Whoa, slow down. All right.
Sorry. Right.
They grew up in an impoverished area of Baltimore. Of, I knew that.
And back then, people would make fun of kids. What he would do is he would take his dad's pimp jacket and cut out.
What's so funny? And cut it all up. Why is it a pimp? You mean it's just a jacket? Like a furry jacket.
Was his dad a pimp? No. Then he's not a pimp jacket.
Like make it racial. No, I'm just saying, right? And then you would like, you know what I mean? And oh boy.
Yeah, I'm motherfucking Elmo. That was the first version.
Yeah, yeah. What's up, big bird? Yeah, and his mom would like call Sesame Street and go, my son is really into puppeteering.
Here's this kid, impoverished, black kid, right and then he he hooked up with uh captain kangaroo you know captain kangaroo yeah we know that yeah yeah very famous gave him a job gave him a job right right then he fucking meets um um frank oz and he meets jim henson jim the legends the names that people know jim henson the the legends of the game yep and j well, why don't you come and work? Well, he first offered him in Dark Crystal, and then he couldn't do it for some reason. It almost destroyed the relationship.
But what happened was- You had to sew back together all those pimp jackets. Go ahead.
Well, if you ruin a pimp jacket, you got to put it back together. That is true.
Of course. Because when daddy finds out, he ain't going to be too happy, baby.
So he's at Sesame Street, young, you know what I mean? I think the first black puppeteer, which is cute. That I know is true.
Right. Yeah.
And there was, so Elmo wasn't always Elmo. A bunch of puppeteers try to make this puppet work.
I bet you there's a bunch of puppets laying around, and people pick it up and go, what about know i mean and they're like they're like no you know whatever yeah right exactly yeah it didn't work so he so some guy threw elmo at him you make it work get it to work you make it work and so um kevin clash took it and he um thought about it and he thought about what do kids love? What did the voice of love sound like? What is love? And he goes I did see the documentary by the way. Pure love.
Pure love. And so that's why he came out always hugging it became a hit.
Elmo! Yeah exactly and then what ended up happening was he became the executive producer of Sesame Street eventually traveled the world you know what I mean elmo helping you know i mean disabled kids and stuff like that i don't i did the body that's okay yeah i'm so sorry it's instinct for you well yeah i mean i have no no you're i have spinal lymphoma anyway um to me he's a legend come on finish it you did you were at the point when you were saying he became. Traveled the world.
Traveled the world entertaining kids in impoverished lands. Can I ask you something? Yeah.
I'm not making a joke. Yeah.
Because I saw the documentary. It's great.
He's wonderful. Do you think that you secretly wanted to become a puppeteer? Is that why it touched you? No, no.
I'll be honest with you you I'm always interested in people who are a minority in an area where they don't traditionally have minorities and being somebody that becomes a pioneer I really like that storyline what are some other ones like that? that's the only one the peanut butter guy but he didn't do the peanut butter so I don't even know Washington Carver Washington? George Carver Washington yeah yeah yeah apparently he didn't invent it no yeah yeah you know I'm interested in people that are like like for instance like the like the first we should do a documentary about the first Asian male American porn star has there been one that's why I don't know yeah I doubt it but if there ones if there's one that rises you would i would probably go oh that's my guy i just got to be honest with you i highly doubt an asian male porn star has really made it through the system why well there's checks and balances aren't there what stop stop stop stop you're really gonna you're gonna piss me off here he is yeah kenny styles styles born to a single mother who was a sex worker in thailand so his mom was already in the business inheriting the business if you will yeah yeah look kenny's doing they moved to the united kingdom where she married a british national and then this guy is now a porn star here in he's from lumpum thailand by the way you know i don't know if you guys know this about kenny styles 2006 he won he won best male newcomer wow he's regarded as the first heterosexual Asian male porn star In American pornography The first one And what's his name? Kenny Stiles I would like to know him Well let's see his penis Kenny Stiles penis I'd like to see what he's packing Well it's a cute little penis That's pretty good He's working as hard as he can to get it I mean that thing is working over he's sucking in he's that's working because look at that one that's a more realistic version right yeah zoom in on that yeah not impressive dude you're being mean dude being truthful well but why is big i like my porn stars black okay refute that i really can't yeah you can't Look at this surprise. Oh god I can't believe this you're gonna put it in your mouth oh my god anyway well you know what let's learn how about this I'm reaching out right now okay I'm reaching out verbally to Kenny Stiles if you wanna come on if you wanna come on Bad Friends USA number one we would love to have you on Bad Friends as the first heterosexual Asian porn star in America We'd love to have Kenny Stiles on the show Yeah so um you know Is there like The first Asian NASCAR driver Never gonna happen Why? There was one actually Fiery accident Yeah he went in reverse Yeah I put his blinker oh fukiyama that's right he must have been great japanese race car driving he attempted to complete naz you know he attempted to get in a nascar and yeah yeah didn't work out okay well it's interesting what is another thing like um like what would a black person guy not be good at careful careful i know i'm trying to be very careful and but what i'm saying is is that in your mind in your thinking it's not not be good no no it's unorthodox unorthodox is what i meant to say right like you would never think that a black dude would be one of the best puppeteers all right why not though it's just in my mind it wouldn't it just doesn't make any you know like is she drowning look at her she's drowning she's sounding yeah that's a black swimmer? Yeah, they're like the pioneers in black swimming.
It's incredible. She needs something to lean on.
Look at her. Yeah.
Wait, can you look up? Here we go. Charleston.
You know our boy Charleston? What's his name? The guy that we like. Listen, what's his name, McCone? But it's like the Jamaican Bob sled team.
Look at this, Bob. Okay.
Here we go, man. Heard to help black people.
Apartment swimming pools. Kind of shit is that? Kind of shit is that? Apartment swimming pool.
Them motherfucking mostly ain't open during neighborhood. There's no way in them apartment.
They ain't never open five days after week Ain't never No no no no Yeah they damn near helpless homie Because if they want to In apartment swimming pool They ain't getting no water During the summertime Yeah Mamas ain't taking them to Hurricane Harbor play that shit nah that's swimming that's summer swimming pools take your ass down yeah yeah and uh yeah that's summer swimming pools yeah a lot of times that's where you get your furred little piece of pussy at boy and partner come play yeah bro I fucking love that guy yeah what's his name I wanna? I want to see him. Charleston White.
Okay. Fucking hysterical.
All right. Swimming pools.
Yeah. He ain't gonna swim.
He's arguing that they're not open five days a week. Yeah.
In black apartment complexes. Like they shut down for most of the week.
That's insane. That's insane.
Mando. You know sometimes I'm hanging out with people, dude? Like me? Not you.
Because you always smell good to me. Thank you.
But sometimes I'm with somebody. Go ahead and name him.
John Hayskins. John Hayskins? Yeah.
That guy stinks. He stinks, right? He's a stinker.
He puts deodorant in his pits, but when I'm with John, I'm like, why don't you do it all over your body? You should have it all over your body. But they have it.
They do? Yeah. With Mando? Mando, dude.
Stop the shower and hope. Save hope for important things.
Like that time that you were hanging out with Bobby at a party and you stunk up the room. Yeah.
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You know, by the way, in your pool, in your backyard, I learned this. You know what's illegal to not have it fenced in in if a kid crawls into your backyard like a kid in the neighborhood it falls in the pool in california yeah they can sue you well mine's fenced in no you're not there's a fence around your property there's not a fence around your pool like that any property the pool in california must have a property fence that's at least five feet tall do you have a pool yeah you have a fence around it no well we both fucked that yeah i thought dude somebody brought this up to me the real estate agent was like uh there's no fence right i was like no this the house my house was built in 1940 oh my god imagine what would you do well i'd move no i don't want a dead kid go imagine going into your backyard and you see you know i mean a kid floating what do you mean it's just gnarly that's awful so what do you do you're just like you know what i mean, a kid floating.
What do you mean? That's just gnarly. It's gnarly.
That's awful. So what do you do? You're just like, you know what I would do? Get back on the road and do stand-up? No, no, no.
I would pick up the kid. Oh my God, I'm not going to touch him.
No, watch what I do. Huh? And put him in the other swimming pool next to the neighbor.
Oh, smart. Yeah, it's somebody else's fault.
You put him in the neighbor's swimming pool. Right, transport him.
You transport it. Right.
And that was the way, right? So now you've broken multiple laws. What law did I break? What? What? The swimming pool law, yeah, but- Tampering with- You can't move a body? No.
I don't think so, no. Why is that illegal? I don't know, man, but it definitely is.
If I didn't kill it, and if I didn't kill somebody- Hold on. In some states, you can transport a human body by ground yourself without the services of a funeral director.

So you could be like, I was just transporting.

Yeah, what states are that?

Definitely not here.

You know, that's got to be.

Your neighbor.

And the other neighbor.

If your neighbor saw, would he snitch?

Your neighbor looks over.

He's in the bathroom and he's brushing his teeth.

He looks down.

Barbara?

He sees a kid in the pool.

Oh, yeah, he would.

He would snitch. Of course.
And the other guy, though, my other neighbor is a writer on Babylon 5. Is that still on the air? No.
Oh. But it was like an old sci-fi show.
Yeah, it was like 30 years ago. Right, right.
So he's an old writer, right? So I got a comedy producer on one side. And a Babyloner.
And a Babylon writer. Wow.
I would put in the Babylon writer. Right.
They both have pools. You have to put in his pool.
I just know the best way to go to his backyard. Well, the writer might figure out a good story to tell at some point.
He might write, it could be a book. Yeah.
A body is found in my pool. It's probably his also.
The kid would probably come from him. Jesus Christ.
This got sad. What? Does he have little kids? No, but grandkids.
It's not that big of a deal. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. That's fine.
I mean, that's pretty hard fun. No, no.
Grandkids are fine. Yeah.
Or what else? What else could you do? Or could you... Drain the pool, first of all.
I mean, you don't know. You got to drain it.
Why? Well, I mean... I don't go in there.
That's true. You don't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all for show.
Like, to girls, I have a pool. You've never been in your pool.
Never been in there. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, yeah.
You've never once been in your pool no never do you have a hot tub no okay it's like a salt pool or something yeah salt water pool yeah but you've never gone in yeah do do is that do Asian people I'm a great swimmer no no I'm saying but like culturally we swim so if you went to a pool party. I go in the pool.
You don't go in your own pool. You'll go to.
By myself? Just waiting by myself in the bed. I'm not going to do that.
It's so relaxing. I do it.
Okay, maybe I will. Well, wait, I'm asking you.
An Asian guy, Gene Hong, throws a fucking house party. It's mostly Asians.
Are you getting in the pool? If you say it's a pool party. If there's a pool party, I've been always known to do gags in the pool.
You're a gag in the pool guy. And have fun in the pool.
But my point being is if I'm alone in my house, I'm not going to go in the pool by myself. Do you ever take a bath? Yes, it's not in the pool.
It's kind of the same shit. Instead of, in terms of like solo relaxation and water, what's the difference? Or I'll do it this summer I want you to do it I'll do it this summer Anyway what are we even talking Oh the dead kid in the pool Dead kid in the pool Yeah I would just call the cop Yeah call him yeah And then what Do I go to prison? You might yeah Because I don't have a fence Around my fucking pool No because they could tell That you tried to move the body No I wouldn't move it They could tell There's like so much water On the side of the pool Where you drug them out And then try to Flip brands Yeah And then they're like Did you try to remove the bottom What would you do Hit the pool cover Just pretend it never happened Oh you have a pool cover You just press a button Wow I gotta get one of those No I don't have one of those You would have to call Yeah, you call Yeah By the way, that reminds me My dad's One of my dad's best friend They have a beautiful big pond In their backyard Back home in Chicago They go in that? They go in the pond In the pool No No, they have a pond But they have koi fish in there Koi fish You know they do They suspend themselves in the winter in the frozen water.

They animate, what is it called?

Don't look it up.

Don't look it up.

Don't look it up.

I want to guess what it is.

Go explain yourself.

The koi can live in frozen pond water.

They freeze.

They freeze.

And then they thaw out during the summer.

100%. Because frogs do that.

Yeah, but these koi do it.

And I was like, wait, didn't you have to take out the koi?

He's like, we had to net the koi pond because coyotes would come and eat the koi. When they're frozen? In the middle of the night.
No, no, no. Just regular.
Oh, okay, okay. But he was like, we take it off in the winter because they're frozen underneath the ice.
And you can see their dig marks. Still, the coyotes are trying to get to them.
Oh, wow. But it's so thick and deep.
Yeah, of course. They can't get to it.
Wow. So the koi fish are just there, frozen under the water.
What do they dream about?

What do you think they dream about for five months, six months?

What could you dream about?

No matter what they're dreaming about, it's pretty like, it's always like,

they could be dreaming about like, you know, you know what I mean?

I'm at Disneyland, right?

Do they get to go to Disneyland?

Yeah.

But the whole time they're just cold.

Freezing.

Yeah, at Disneyland.

Show me what koi fish frozen thing is. I don't know why I'm doing this.
Look at my hands. No, that's how they freeze.
Yeah. No, that's not frozen pot.
That's not frozen. Give them a frozen pot.
There, that one was frozen. That's frozen too, dude.
That's crazy. It's crazy to me.
Look it up. Look up the, you looked it up.
Walt Disney had a theory here. He knew what he was doing.
Yeah. all the original yeah that one's frozen just chilling go back to all just so I see the text of it all what did it say in the beginning now the goldfish nor koi wait nor koi can freeze into a block of ice that thaw in the spring that's not that's not true so what it just they stay in the water when it's cold the fish are warmer and safer with ice oh so it's frozen but underneath the water they just stay still yeah i guess so so you just lied no they're no you just lied no i didn't lie yeah you did you said they they're frozen they look frozen but they're not frozen well they're obviously now you know they didn't freeze thank you dude i'm informed i mean just don't throw out facts that you fucking know that wasn't your problem is dude liar you're a liar the the koi's metabolism slows down to a crawl they spend most their time treading water at the bottom of the pond and we all do that no they look frozen when you see it you've never seen me in the tundra dude i do that too i go right you don't get into the pool it i could be in any environment and you know i mean and i will my will i can bring my body down to barely alive you're doing it right now point point point dude i guess they don't freeze wow but they just stay in frozen water there are there are frogs that do it.
Google that.

Let me see.

I want to see if I won this point.

It's not a point.

It is.

You got yours wrong.

I'm going to say about me.

Are there frogs that get completely frozen and then they come back alive?

65% of the body is frozen solid.

So, no, they don't completely freeze.

That's pretty.

That's a lot.

That's more than half.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a lot of frozen, dude.

They're half.

Yeah, yeah.

More than half. Look at them there.
That's it look at that guy probably bummed yeah probably bummed he's just like rib is he conscious rib rib yeah well like you know like a bear's hibernation they're not sleeping the whole fucking time that was something i when you were a kid didn't you think that they slept the whole fucking time they told you that they did? They don't? They don't sleep the whole time. No, they play Jenga.
Yeah. And Uno.
Yeah, some of them do. Well, black bears probably play dice.
Yeah. That's a good one.
That's a good one, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That's funny.
Bears do not do wake up. However, move around inside the den.
Yeah. Yeah Yeah so what they'll do is They go in and out of sleep But then they quickly go back to sleep Yeah So they're not sleeping the whole fucking time I would You are like that What You would love if career wise We could hibernate for a little while Oh yeah If we could sleep for like a month or two Straight straight.
But do I have to gather before? You've been gathering, my guy. No, but like squirrels, they gather, right? Bears do too.
They gather. They gather.
Well, what happens is it says, go back to that article that even said. You would make Carlos gather for you.
Yeah, 100%. 8 to 12 degrees that lower their body temperature.
There is one. Oh, he's taking a shot.
No, that's not. No, you did just take a shot.
That was a lazy shot. That was like, you're lazy.
You let Carlos do your gathering. So that's another no movie.
No, you're a bear. There's nothing you can do.
I ranked bear. You broke your contract.
No. Yes, you did.
You wrote a fucking. Did he not read a contract? He just broke it.
You did. I'm lazy.
No. Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you, dude. You even said you were going to make fun of me of me and you didn't you made fun of him yeah yeah yeah it's difficult to do it right yeah yeah because you're mean okay so you know i don't know maybe ronnie chen's available we'll see what happens it.
Anyway. So busy.
Look at him napping.

Well, that.

Go deeper in.

No, you got to.

He's too exposed.

Oh, he doesn't even know how.

Oh, wow.

No, see, they don't need to be like.

Oh, they don't even go into a cave.

They can go underneath a tree.

As long as it's protected.

Right.

Yeah, there he is.

That's his little spot.

Whoa.

Oh, wow.

That's interesting.

Where do they go if there's no okay that's what it says

yeah oh that's how you know the difference shoulder hump this is good information

but why can't let me ask you something if i made

there's business i don't know how i'm gonna get money for it but

if i can you build them a house

build a bear house yeah like a bear house well You think they would get in instinctually? A sanctuary. A bear sanctuary? Yeah, yeah.
Make it more dome-y. But I don't know, dude, because they're cavernous creatures.
They like caves, not houses. They like to be cold caves underground or close to the earth.
Like my dog, by the way. I bought my fucking dog a cool little dog house thing, and she goes in it it's a waste of time oh dude i was like why the fuck did i get you that i spent fifteen thousand dollars i don't what's the matter on the cat i'm sorry on the cat sanctuary and they've never been out there no it's insane sometimes i'll go i'll open up the door come on nothing no they just go no no yeah they even say it meow yeah yeah I bought my cat I already think I already said this expensive bed yeah and I cover once Bojo sleeping in the middle of a rolled yoga mat he was in there like this right next to the expensive bed it was I mean being in the inside a boa constrictor is probably more comfortable than a fucking rolled yoga mat cats they don't they don't care and they also don't care about healthy well what what do you mean well what you're gonna slam me slam me i wasn't slamming well you're their owners unhealthy why would they be healthy? Is that what you're going to say? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you.
Well. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you. No, what? They don't care about healthy what? Their healthy living? No, I'll go and go.
I'll go to the fucking pet food store and go, hey, guy, what's the best, like the premium dry food? Cat fancy. No.
It's not. I know.
Yeah, yeah. It's not even origin.
It's like, you know you know i mean there's one that's in french writing and the the bag feels like not paper but like there's a sheen on it oh it's like a matte finish right and the and the and the um and the font on it is like old english but in france you know i mean yeah what's it called it's like Oh, for Yeah, whatever it is Yeah, for For cats, it says, right?

For cats

Yeah, what's it called? It's like Bourclays, Fauclant, Fauclant. Oh, Fauclant, Fauclant.

Yeah, whatever it is.

Yeah, Fauclant.

Fauclant, it says, right?

Fauclant.

Yeah, and I buy bags of this shit.

They don't like it.

I go to Vaughn's, I get the cheapest fucking dry...

They love that.

Well, you could buy them just canned tuna and throw it in a cup.

They'll eat that shit.

My cats won't even do that.

Well, you see, you've got them accustomed to good shit.

It's either, like, if I go to, you know, like... either We're crockpotting chicken right now

At my house for my dog

Wow

We do the big crockpot

We feed her

Dog food that has the nutrients and vitamins in it

But she fucking loves chicken

Loves the chicken

So we'll do a big crockpot

The last thing I want to say too

About my

I've been talking about my interior designer

So when they so when they put up the the paint they painted or they put up wallpaper some wallpaper some paint got it i literally was like this is a little bit at all you didn't pre-approve it i did but once you see it live You're like Yeah It feels weird But then once they put in The furniture and the drapes It looks beautiful It's just incredible I'm like I've never felt I like Are you saying you're inviting The boys over? Never I'll never Never You guys come over to my house You came over today McCone Yesterday yeah. You let him in? No, he just stays out.

In the driveway, yeah.

Here's my suit.

Did you drop off his suit today?

It's here.

I got it back today.

So you're wearing like a suit and tie?

Tell me they're picking you up tomorrow.

10 a.m.

Me too.

You're wearing a suit and tie?

No, just a suit, a t-shirt, you know.

I'm wearing a wife beater.

No, you're not. I am.
I'm wearing a wife beater no you're not no you're not i am i'm wearing a wife beater yeah and and board shorts i'm spiking my hair like guy fieri that's so please do that i'm gonna no really why not please do it it's tv yeah you gotta have fun yeah you and a suit is so funny well should i wear like a hawaiian shirt beneath it absolutely not wear a suit where you're dressed Stop. You're the patriarch of the family.
Are you nervous? Not even a little bit. I am.
Why? Because if I can't be Flavor Flav, what can I do? Well, this episode will have come out. We're playing Flavor Flav's family on Family Feud.
If I can't be Flavor Flav, what else do I do in life? Ah, you crazy. I know.
He's going to smoke us. You think the Flavor Flav family is going to smoke? I don't know.
We got some good ones, though. We do, but I think Flav is better than we think.
Don't, listen. Don't underestimate the Flav, dude.
I want to tell you something for real. How cool would it be if Chuck D showed up? That'd be great.
How do you know? We don't know. We don't know.
That would be fucking amazing be fucking amazing That'd be amazing I just got fucking goosebumps If Chuck D just popped in

Oh my god

Yeah boy

How great would that fucking be

Wow

Do you know how bad

McCone wants to go

But do you have

You have to try

You don't try for the laughs

I'm going for it

I know I've been thinking about it

We're going for the laughs

But you're going to try to be

The right answer no

And they say

If you knew

If you had two choices

The right answer

Or the funny answer

Which you're going to do

Funny always

Oh man

We gotta

I'm not sure. try to be the right answer no and they say if you knew if you had two choices the right answer or the funny answer which you're gonna do funny always oh man we gotta no but i will say this to you of course i'm gonna try my best okay why are you picking up a gun i was just putting it down well why'd you have it up i was holding it over here and then i just you've been holding a gun the whole show yeah just in case what the fuck's going on over here all right, I need to ask you this.
Yeah. I want to play Fast Money.
Yes. It has to be me and you.
It is. If we win.
Yes. You pre-selected that? Yeah, it's you and me.
Okay. Who would it be? Anybody else on the team? No, no.
No. It's you and me.
You and me, Fast Money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm so nervous. I just asked you.
I know. I had to lie.
I was just lying. Are you nervous? You're very.
I'm so nervous. I know.
Yeah, because it's like fast money. I could get all zeros.
Me too. Okay.
But if we do get all zeros together, so fun. I mean, amazing.
Should we go during fast money? Should we do it purposely to get no points? Yeah. That's even a bigger challenge.
No, but we're playing for charity.

So we want to win the money for the charity.

I think they automatically

do it now. I know they do.
Yeah, they gotta.

So if we get, the challenge is

now to get all zeros.

That's a good challenge. In Fast Money.

Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like.

That could be actually funnier than us actually

trying. Yeah.
You know, if he's like. Name me a color on the Rubik's Cube.
Scoobage. That's so good.
Scoobage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, Scoobage? Yeah. Show me Scoobage.
Yeah. I think.
Orange chicken. I would say orange chicken.
Orange chicken. You'll get points for the orange.
Oh, yeah? What if our answers are all Asian stuff? Oh fuck that's good If he's like When your spouse comes home late at night What's the first thing you think of? Rickshaw Right? That's a good one Name an age when a man's body starts to fall apart Assault Yeah Really? You think so? Assault You don't think think that'll be good i think it'd be so funny to tank it is almost funnier than doing well let me ask you something all right um when you're driving around how long would you take before you ask for help kimchi but say it confidently looking down yeah yeah not even skip a beat. Yeah, yeah.
Right? You're.

What?

Name me a color on the rainbow.

Walk.

Okay.

I think we should do it.

No.

Come on.

Well, we're going to commit to it on the day.

How about this?

Depending the mood of the show.

We'll make a shotgun decision.

You know Steve's going to hate it.

Here's another thing.

He's going to be so mad about it. My fear is this.
is this now not only are we bad but we're not funny as well well that's impossible no i did not know thank you carlos it could be completely because the thing is when people are funny on that show it's not that they're funny people yeah but it's just they make a mistake that's like you know that steve can do like an awkward like stare or whatever or make it weird.

If we try to be funny, it could come across as hammy.

I know what you're saying.

So we can't try to be funny.

I don't know if that's true, though.

I think that if I go, I'll be really excited.

So, hey, Steve.

You know what I mean?

See, but then it's going to come off as hammy.

No. Okay.
Be real. You, Steve.
Ohve oh man we got a good one for you today introducing the lee family first up is bobby bobby introduce everybody here on the lineup what introduce everybody in your family man how you doing man you good i'm good man i'm just so nervous you still do stand up So we we got here Andrew Santino I love him Yeah His stand up You're gonna go all down He goes down the line right? His stand up is so good This guy I love this guy Yeah yeah yeah But he'll ask Kalilah Who else we got? Who's that? My ex-girlfriend Kalilah You brought your ex to the show And then Esther I don't know her that well Who that little nugget? Esther That's an adult Yeah yeah And then Gene, I don't know her that well. Who that little nugget? Esther.

That's an adult.

Yeah, yeah.

And then Gene, so... I think we're going to do great.

Here's the thing.

The reason why I want you there too

is if the ship goes down...

We're going down together.

We have to go down together.

We will.

We have to go down together.

If it sinks, we sink as one.

Yeah.

I won't let you down, baby. Although, if the ship sinks and we're both on a door what do you mean you know like the ship sinks and i got a door to hold on to and then you're swimming in the water and you're like i'm cold can i can i get on the door yeah oh like in i get it thank you yeah, Titanic.
Why didn't she let him on the door? There was plenty of fucking room. Right.
Why didn't she let him on the door? Look at how much room is on the door. If I would...
But here's what I... But he fucked up.
Look at how comfortable that bitch looks. And she's got a fucking life preserver on.
But this is where he fucked up. I thought about it.
Falling in love with her? No.

What?

He's in the water.

Got it.

What I would have done is looked her right in the eyes and said,

Hey, Rose, it's much warmer in the water.

Oh.

She pops in.

I jump on.

Right?

And I go, sucker.

And I start wading away.

Right?

What do you think?

That's good. I start wading away.
Right? Smart. Go shark.
And I start wading away, right? What do you think? That's good. I start wading away, right?

That's smart.

Go shark.

And I start wading away.

Bye, Rose.

Bye, Rose.

What would you do?

There's no way you would.

You're a human.

You just met the bitch.

Your instinct.

On the boat.

You didn't know her.

You just met the bitch on the boat.

A Titanic passenger list reveals that there were eight travelers of Chinese descent aboard the Titanic,

but only six of them survived.

Li Bing, Chang Chip, Chang Fu. Chang Chip was on there? Chang Chip.
I'm such a big fan of her work. Chang Fu, Ling He.
I've had that at the restaurant. Fang Lang and Ah Lam.
Dude, it's, you know. Have you ever had Ah Lam? It's delicious.
I know. You know what makes me even angry after you read that? Not a one person you saw them in the movie.
Well, six of them survived. At least in the background walking by with a plate.
First of all, they didn't even fucking do that. No, those were passengers.
They weren't workers. Well, the guy on the left definitely almost died.
Look at his face. Jesus, he got shot?'t know what happened to his face Dude they looked Now this is a movie I would love to see The six Chinese The six survivors from the Titanic Yeah They probably did sneaky shit though Sneaky shit What did they do? They must have What were they up they up to on the boat, you think, these Chinese travelers? The tragic tale of Masabi Honso, the Japanese Titanic survivor who was ostracized for not going down with the ship.
Oh, from Japan, the culture. Wait.
Yeah, the culture goes, you should have died with the... So he survived and they were mad about it? Like Shagun.
Like in Godzilla Minus One, the theme was like, you know, he didn't go down with the bonsai. So when he came back to the, you know what I mean? You know, the military, you know...
He's disgraced. He was disgraced.
How are you alive? He's the only... This dude was the only Japanese traveler to board the ship.
And he survived. It's incredible.'s incredible give this guy his flowers why would they want him dead he was prepared to die when an officer said there was a space on the lifeboat i will take my life is there space right right i love him like his eyes don't that's really funny yeah there's room for one more yeah yeah according to metropolis japan he was shamed for not adhering to the women and children first principle avoiding honorable death hansu is subject to what the japanese refer as murah hach uh hachibu or social ostracism so they fucking ridiculed this guy for living through the Worst could have lived through Oh my god He lost his job Despite being hired part time The stigma followed him for the rest of his life Hanzo lived in quiet shame as a recluse Why did I lose my job? Oh because you're alive Right? Even upon his passing mentioned the Titanic had been forbidden in his culture that you're like, it's bullshit.
Get rid of that. That's insane.
That's bullshit. It's bullshit.
That poor bastard. Poor bastard.
Women, women and children were on. There was a spot.
Also, can I just say this? Back then, like racism was like prevalent. It was at a tall time high.
Right. So like, imagine him on the boat and people are scooting away.
Right. They would do that.
They don't want to touch him. They don't want to touch that.
No, racism at its all tall time high. Right.
So like imagine him on the boat and people are scooting away.

Right.

They would do that.

They don't want to touch him.

They don't want to touch that.

No, racism at its all time high.

Yeah.

What a lonely boat ride.

I mean, how quiet.

Nobody wants to say anything.

Yeah.

Because he's there.

They're afraid.

He's like, you know.

But what if he said something made everyone laugh?

It's dead quiet.

Dead silent.

And then he looks at everyone And he goes Hello And they all just start laughing I think I would have been Really funny on that boat Don't you think Oh they made a movie There's a North Korean On the Titanic It's a North Korean version Because it's so popular Oh my god's so funny. It's quiet.
They watched it 100 times in a row to perfect their story. Wow.
They what? Kim Jong-un made a – or someone made them watch Titanic 100 times so that they could know the story so well. Wow.
Yeah. And so we made a North – Is the graphics as good? I don't think so.
It looks the exact same. It's called Soul's Protest.

Oh, we got to get that movie.

Can we buy that? There's no way to find that movie. Hey, how about quiet on the boat, the water splashing by.
Everyone's staring. He's sitting there, a Japanese guy.
And then he goes, more like a not-so-n imagine him trying to do he's trying to do a bit he's trying to do a witty bit there that's so funny and it dies it dies imagine it bombs so bad but one kid in the back is like... The whole movie's on YouTube for free.

You better believe it is.

Yeah, well, they wanted propaganda.

Yeah.

Oh, this looks exactly like the original.

What if the Japanese guy goes?

What if the Japanese guy goes?

Turn it off.

He goes... It's dead quiet.

It doesn't matter where everybody goes.

Water swishing by.

It swishing by, right.

Yeah.

I know it's really cold,

but nobody say,

it's so nippy.

I don't know.

He goes,

that's good.

Captain said,

iceberg not that big.

I guess he was a Wong.

Who was driving that ship a Chinese guy dude him doing bits on the boat that's I would fucking lose my shit oh fuck such a fucking insane god it's insane and the poor guy ridiculed he lost everything probably kill himself no he didn't he said he died his natural death by himself in his house alone, jobless and alone. Yeah.
I mean, come on. By the way, did you see this clip of Trump going to Chick-fil-A? Have you seen that? No.
It's fucking hilarious, dude. This guy, he's nonstop.
He's a nonstop media fucking frenzy, this guy. Donald Trump went to Chick-fil-A yesterday and was talking with the workers and it was such an organic

moment because you had all these people

Yeah, it seemed organic. Super organic.

Were Trump supporters

as well? Minorities. What are the chances?

Good looking people.

That was worth it.

I love those.

That's beautiful. Dude, he's hilarious.
It's art, right? You know what I'm looking at? You're lying. And also some chicken.
I want to take care of the customers. This is good.
Making a lot of money. Everyone's getting rich, right? Yeah.
Everyone's getting rich. That works at fucking Chick-fil-A, Donald Trump.
He's so fucking detached. That's hysterical.
He does not. We'll take 30 milkshakes.
I'm sure you're all billionaires. When you get out of here, do you fly or drive? What a fucking goon.
He's an asshole. Are you all Republicans? By the way, this is a note to our fans fans When you walk into a Chick-fil-A Ask if they're Republicans Don't order yet Hi welcome to McDonald's I'm gonna take your order Hi are you a Republican That's insane So what I want to do is I want to end this podcast By asking Andreas When when are you shooting your movie? When you're available.

So have you gone through

the casting process?

I'm on it right now.

Cool.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Let's see this final clip

to end the show.

What is it?

After we finished filming,

OJ said to me

that he had a surprise for me

and I genuinely was surprised.

Just did you do it?

No, I didn't. I think

it was his idea of a joke.

Nope. And this is it.

Didn't I do it? No, I didn't.

She shit her

pants, huh?

Dude, I would be so... Rest in peace, OJ.

You fucking asshole.

What a fucking asshole. Oh my God.

Oh my God, dude.

That's insane.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you. Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah