Heaven's Back Door

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 You two are something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 So what I'm going to say to you, that is, that's my final straw.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 And before when I came in there, dude, no, no, no, just hear me out. Just hear me out.
Hear me out, dude. Hear me out.
All right. We're not even going to air this part.
We are airing this.

Speaker 2 I'm putting my foot down, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of being treated. Don't walk on, tread on me.
Don't tread on me. All right.
I have a statement. All right, so here's my statement.
I have a statement as well. Okay.

Speaker 2 Since the last podcast, you too, McCone, I've been thinking about the ways you guys treat me. You treat me like not you.
Okay, thank God. I wasn't even, I didn't say your name.

Speaker 2 You looked over here, so I thought it was me. No, I was looking for backage.
Affirmation? Backage. Oh, backage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blockage or backage? My back.
I've got your backage. That's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got my backage. Now, let me tell you something, you scumbags.
Listen up. Yeah.
All of you.

Speaker 2 What, me too? No, you're good. Okay.
Yeah, just those two. Go ahead.
No, you go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen up, man. Backing up.
And I'm being...

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 I'm just being.

Speaker 2 Korean. No, no.
When I do it's right. Okay, okay.
I'm trying to back you up. Obviously, I am.
Yeah, always. Yeah.
Right. So sometimes I feel black.

Speaker 2 I do, dude. Okay.
You know what I mean? Al Green. What are you tonight?

Speaker 2 Are you black or Korean tonight? Armenian. Armenian tonight.
Well, get them, baby. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I have extra hair on my legs. And I played chess at the park today.
yeah no you move your car yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 all right so you know and i'm being completely honest okay and i'm being very mindful all right

Speaker 2 so you know the last time we were together you ripped on me a couple times without out of nowhere you too mccone saying that i'm a bad actor which is really interesting because i had directors come over to my house today and to pitch me on a movie so many different opportunities but um

Speaker 2 you know to each his own but what i'm going to say to you is that and i came in here i was joking around like going i'm not going to do your movie, but because you slammed my dick, no, I'm being real right.

Speaker 2 I'm saying my dick is small, and I have to spread it around. Very funny, by the way.
It was funny. And touche to you.
But what I'm going to say to you is, I will not work for you as an actor.

Speaker 2 This is the only

Speaker 3 not for me.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not going to do anything with you. With or for or behind any front.
Nothing. Only this pod, because look, I'm sure this contract signed.
Well, he works for us. Exactly.
So

Speaker 2 find somebody else. I'm not doing it.
Can I read my statement? No, no, no. I don't care what it is.
I will not do it. I'm too busy.

Speaker 2 It was a favor in the first place, but I only do favors for people that have my package. Backage.

Speaker 2 Backage people. Backage boys.
And there's no bag there.

Speaker 2 Let's hear your statement. Let me hear your statement.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 First of all, I want to say that no one has forced me to read this.

Speaker 2 And that I'm doing it on my free will. Okay.

Speaker 3 I recognize that lately my actions on this show have been less than ideal.

Speaker 3 I realized that making Van of Bobby is out of pocket.

Speaker 3 I was taught that in comedy you have to punch up, but maybe I am a little too high.

Speaker 3 So from now on, I'll be switching teams, aim a little lower, and I'll direct my really funny dips at Santino.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 What do you think? That's a pretty good statement. It's not good.
By the way, you come at me, I'm going to rip you to shreds. Right.
And also, I know I'm a scared. Literally,

Speaker 2 I don't trust it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you think? Literally, I don't. Do you think his wife wrote that? Someone else wrote that.
That doesn't sound like you. Oh.
And also, I want a statement that you haven't written. Oh.
Because

Speaker 2 you're thinking about it. I'm just thinking about it.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is I want a statement from the heart. Not premeditated.
Not premeditated. I want you to be in the moment and really feel your feelings and express yourself.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I don't think you're capable of doing that. No, you're not.
Because you're a shallow of a man. Yeah.
You're right.

Speaker 2 You're a Baja shelf. Do you know what that is? No.
I thought that Baja Fresh once. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A Baja shelf is a thing in a swimming pool. That's like the little shallow area for little babies to sit on.
Oh, shit. I learned something new every day.
Look at that. That's a Baja shelf.

Speaker 2 You are a Baja shelf. Dude, you're a Baja shelf for sure.
You're a Baja shelf, pal. I'll take it.
No, you don't take it. I don't take it.
Don't take it. No.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Bobby, I love you.
You are the funniest person I know.

Speaker 2 It's not working. Well, can we celebrate today? What's going on? OJ died.

Speaker 2 That's not celebrating. What are you talking about? Ding-dong, the witch is dead.
I'm not celebrating. Oh, you are.
You think he didn't do it. Do what? Okay.
No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 Like love didn't fit. Yeah, well, you must acquit.
Let's acquit. No, quit.

Speaker 2 Do what?

Speaker 2 Murder his wife.

Speaker 2 No, I am. The guy who has no idea.
Yeah, he 100% did that. I mean.
Right.

Speaker 2 By the way, the devil got him finally. They tried to put him away in jail.
Didn't work.

Speaker 2 Then he died of cancer.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 he was 74 or 76? Pretty young. That's relatively young.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 76, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, Richard Lewis died at 76, and he didn't murder anybody. So it's like.

Speaker 2 I think Richard died from cancer, and he died a happy life. He lived a happy, wonderful, beautiful life.
He was a happy man. This guy was tortured his entire,

Speaker 2 rightfully so. He was tortured to the end of his life.
Right. He couldn't get away from it.
What if he didn't do it, though?

Speaker 2 Who do you think did?

Speaker 2 It could have been like a double suicide. You know, Kato Kalen?

Speaker 2 He got stabbed like, what, 10,000 times? Yeah, she could have gone.

Speaker 2 No, no, he did it.

Speaker 2 He did it. He did it.
He's a bad guy, guys. He would have done it.

Speaker 2 That's the worst part about it. I don't know anything.
I'm not a lawyer. I'm a dumb guy.
Why don't you have to prove who did do it then?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 No, whoa, whoa. You're blowing my mind right.
What? How come you never have to prove who did it? If you find out he didn't do it, how come then it goes away?

Speaker 2 Well, he did it. No, but they proved that he didn't.
But he still did it. I don't know.
So if he did it, why would you go like he did it? Why would I go? Oh, let's find somebody else that did it.

Speaker 2 No, but I'm saying.

Speaker 2 They proved, quote unquote, that he didn't do it.

Speaker 2 In a court of law. He lost civil, but he won.
The legal. Right.
So legally, they said he didn't kill her.

Speaker 4 He didn't.

Speaker 2 Legally. Yes, he did.
I know he did. So who, then if they say no, who did it? This is like who's on first.
This is like the newest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I get what you're saying, okay? Legally, when it comes to

Speaker 2 murder in the first degree, when it comes to it, you said he didn't do it. Exactly.
So whom did? He did.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? It's like, you know, and at the ultimate test, if there's a heaven or hell. this is brilliant.
Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah.
That's where we'll find out. Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Now, if I die and I go to heaven and OJ is just chilling, right? How shocked. How shocked.
I would be, there's so many people up there that would be shocked. Like, if you saw Hitler, I'd be shocked.

Speaker 2 Bobby!

Speaker 2 Great to see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hitler?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be. What are you doing up here? Yeah.
Or I'm like chilling on a cloud. Right? Yeah.
And I look over and it's like, you know, and Dahmer's chewing on something. A human foot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's like, oh, we, oh, we have machines that do it here. Happy that you got in here, Dahmer.
Yeah. By the way, Hitler, how funny if Hitler's like, you're not going to believe this?

Speaker 2 There's a back door.

Speaker 2 Oh, he got in. He was able to see.
Oh, wow, wow. There's a back door to heaven.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny is even if you're a bad person in the afterlife, like Hitler and one of these guys, I bet you they know enough people to get in still.

Speaker 2 It's just like Hollywood in the real world.

Speaker 2 How about this? If Hitler was alive today,

Speaker 2 I got one for you, too. If you were throwing a house party, right? And here you go.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh, oh, I'm coming! I'm coming.

Speaker 2 There's so much music. There's so much.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Hello, hello, hello. Hey, it's me.
It's Hitler. Oh!

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 how do we...

Speaker 2 I heard this was a party I could go to to have a good time. Yeah, but who is the.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, who? How did I? What's weird is that this is not like a normal party. It's my best friend who's Jewish.
It's a burmitzva. I loved you.
I know, but. Wait, no, man.

Speaker 2 I just think that, I know, but I just think that your presence here, it's just going to rule. He's 12, 13.
Are you going to believe all the rumors about me and not really get to know me as a real man?

Speaker 2 Well, I know. I've just read too much, I think.
So you've read too much about me? I did. Yeah, but what? You believe everything, yes, you read?

Speaker 2 Everything you read. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 2 Name one thing I did. How about this? Yeah.
Name six million things I did wrong.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right, right, right. I get what you're doing.
Yeah, so anyway. What would you do if he came? I'd let him in.

Speaker 2 Sit him down. Sit him down, you know.
Reprimand him for his crimes. He's almost want to know what was going on in his head.

Speaker 2 He's almost

Speaker 2 too big to not let him in. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Is that weird to say it's like... You know what I mean? He's a legend.

Speaker 2 In the worst way possible. Right, he's infamous.
But he's a legend. No, this is something interesting.
He's so infamous, you would want to talk to him for a second. You don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 In terms of Jesus Christ, I mean, in terms of like. I just said Hitler.

Speaker 2 But in terms of like, you know what I mean, historical,

Speaker 2 legendary characters, right? Hitler's one. Cleopatra has got to be one.
Like, you wouldn't say no, Cleopatra. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.
He's hot doing black.

Speaker 2 What about black people in my face? Like Paul Pot. What? You want the.
I want to understand. No, they don't know Paul Pot.
Genghis Khan. Definitely Genghis Khan.
I want to know.

Speaker 2 Definitely Genghis Khan. You want to go, how are you so fucking insane right what's going how did this happen exactly and his like bit like Job

Speaker 2 Job dude Job's a sad character I'm letting Job in yeah and just all his woes you know I mean who how many people died this is he took my wife and you know what I mean and you children and you know famine but then he gave me a hotter wife or whatever happened you know what I mean I'd want to know Yeah.

Speaker 2 I gotta know. What drove me? I'm gonna throw you some names and see if you let them in.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Stalin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got his books.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Elliot's biography.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got a good one, dude. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Vlad the Impaler. Love.
Would love to know.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 One of the most fascinating people on earth. Yeah, but what if he brings like, you know?

Speaker 2 Like a head with him? Yeah. No.
I brought my guillotine.

Speaker 2 Vlad, do you bring your guillotine to the party? My guillotine. I'm sorry, are you saying you're Valentine? What do you mean? Happy Valentine's Day.

Speaker 2 I broke my guillotine for Valentine's.

Speaker 2 Wow, so that's interesting. Did you hear about this Vietnamese woman? I love them.
She's getting the death penalty?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon.

Speaker 2 You say it, because

Speaker 2 I guess you'd know. Oh, I know how

Speaker 2 the death largest ever fought place.

Speaker 2 We're getting him to learn how to do it. Yeah, I'll do it again.
Give me another shot here.

Speaker 2 Go back. Vietnamese sentences real estate tycoon Trung Mai Lan to death.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do it as a newscast. You know what? I want to.
Hey, will you reach out to K Cal, the news, local LA news, to see if we could become a newscaster for a day to see if he could do the.

Speaker 2 I want to see. No, I didn't want to.
Give me the shot. Do you have the audition? Him trying to do the switch.
Oh, I can't. Dude, I'm so good at teleprompter, dude.
Really? Slim in. Slim in.

Speaker 2 That's not even moving. It's my eyesight, though.

Speaker 2 Right. Teleprompters move.
This isn't even moving, and you can't read it. Trung Ma-geng Mong is a far hard thing to say, dude.
Trung Milan. All right, here we go.
Vietnamese sentences real estate.

Speaker 2 Already wrong. Oh, yeah.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon Trung Mai Lan to death in its largest ever fraud case. That's good, but it's so hard to hear you do it.
Why? Because I can hear you going.

Speaker 2 It's like robotic.

Speaker 2 I'm a newscaster. Oh, oh.
I'm doing it as a newscaster. I'll show you how newscasters do it.

Speaker 2 You always try to show me up, man. Vietnam sentences real estate tycoon, Trung Milan, to death in its largest ever fraud case.
Do you hear the inflection?

Speaker 2 What did you just say? His was way better. He's not doing the movie.
I'm not doing the movie. Those things don't work with me.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So, this woman, Trung Milan, sent it to Thursday by death in Ho Chi Minh City for stealing $12.5 billion, 3% of the country's GDP.

Speaker 2 Dude, $12 billion?

Speaker 2 How do they catch her at some point? It took you that long? $12 billion?

Speaker 2 But that's not a death sentence. I mean, stealing

Speaker 2 a death sentence? Why do they, they're going to kill her? It's nuts. I mean, you should only get the death sentence.
Why?

Speaker 2 The death sentence? Yeah. If you murder.
Bingo. You murder, you get murdered.
But who murders? See, this is the. Kip is a good one, too.
Yeah, rappe. Rape.
Let me ask you, though. What?

Speaker 2 I don't know anything about my lung. I'm asking you about my lung tongue, song.
Okay, song. Sang, lung tong.
Trilong, lung, my gong. Tri lung man gong.
Go ahead. Open your gang.
Try my lung song.

Speaker 2 Say it. Man.

Speaker 2 Try my lung song. You're in a good mood today, huh? Try my lung song, man.
He's on fire today. You know, I'm in.
I love it. You know why? Played with the dog in the backyard before I came here.

Speaker 2 But anyway, so what? What is it? I played with the dog in the backyard. No, you're killing it.

Speaker 2 Am I not allowed to find happiness in playing with the doggy? You know, it's so funny. Last night I was at the store and a girl comes to me.
You know, I didn't know you.

Speaker 2 But I'm a huge friend of Andrew. But since watching Bad Friends, I got acquainted with you.
She's a friend of mine? No, she's a fan. Oh, fan.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of hearing it. It's like, yeah, I get it.
He's talented. You know, it sucks.
You know, sometimes, you know, sometimes you think. Funny, it never goes the other way.

Speaker 2 People always come up to me and go, fucking huge fan of Bobby. Just found out about you through it.
Awesome. And I go, thanks, man.
That's rad. I don't think, oh, Bobby.

Speaker 2 That's what I said last night to her.

Speaker 2 No, you didn't. You didn't even let me finish.
You just said, I'm sick of hearing it.

Speaker 2 Because I'm sick of

Speaker 2 being so grateful. Fuck you, dude.
God, let me finish dude

Speaker 2 i know i'm so sick of like being like so proud you're so filled with joy and pride

Speaker 2 is what i'm saying and i looked at her i go you know what i'm so blessed to be a part of you know me the bad friend what a great guy that i'm i was blessed to be in partnership with that's right geez you let me finish man no i'm sorry i didn't let you finish no i'm sorry i don't want to turn into fancy my bad that's my fault can i tell you something that i did the other day at the store and it was a travesty on my part.

Speaker 2 What happened?

Speaker 2 And I can't can't name names because I don't want to edit things out. Got it.

Speaker 2 There was somebody that over the years I've been kind of jamping on. Making fun of.
A little bit.

Speaker 2 You know me on

Speaker 2 podcasting and whatnot. Okay.
You know, and a little mean. So then

Speaker 2 last week, somebody goes, That guy's here. He never comes to the store.
The guy you make fun of. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So I ran out there, right?

Speaker 2 No, stop. I know.
I'm just showing Andrew.

Speaker 2 And I see him and his wife. I knew who it was.
Him and his wife. Yeah.
Are you tapping your feet? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's going on? I'm nervous. That's why.
Put some fucking nicotine in your mouth. Okay.
No, stop.

Speaker 2 You've never noticed. I always tap my feet.
No, but it sounds, you know what it sounds like

Speaker 2 when a kid's legs are swinging off a toilet and they're like just hitting the ground a little bit? That's what I'm doing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We can lower your chair, but okay. All right.
I'll stop doing it. It's okay.
Distracting? Yeah, very.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'm going to take my shoes off. Take them off.
I don't want to distract you today. You're a Hulu.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Today I'm going to call you Hulu.

Speaker 2 And I see him and I go, what's up, man? What's up? And I give him a hug. He gets up from the table, gives me a hug.
He's sitting in the audience? No, he's outside in the patio. Got it.

Speaker 2 And his wife is. I've never met his wife before.

Speaker 2 So I go, hey, I put my hand out, and she looks at my hand and she goes,

Speaker 2 No way. Yeah.
She denied a handshake. Handshake.
Wow. And as I pulled away,

Speaker 2 Rage. Not rage.
No, shame.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, because it's like I felt guilt. Well, you didn't do anything wrong.
Yes, I did. No, you didn't.
Oh, what rip, rip, rip. You make fun of.
Yeah, not good.

Speaker 2 But let's say this. The person you're making fun of is a comedian.
Don't say that, but okay. We make fun of each other.
Exactly. Well, that's what comic.

Speaker 2 You make fun of me all the time. But you know what?

Speaker 2 At times, it felt like I was punching down, maybe.

Speaker 2 So as I pulled away, it just, it was was like a rain of shame and I and I walked away and I literally almost burst into tears. Really? Because of the guilt.
It got you. Yeah, because it

Speaker 2 I've talked shit for so long. But why did you talk shit? Because you really like this person? No, because you know, we were very competitive when we were younger.
Right.

Speaker 2 So as I walked away, I just, I became a changed man and I go, you know what, dude? No more of that.

Speaker 2 You're going to correct your ways.

Speaker 2 You're going to contact this person. You're going to make amends.
And you're going to make it right. Did you?

Speaker 2 I didn't have his number.

Speaker 2 I didn't have it. And I know the next part is, and I'm not going to find it.
You're not looking for it. But I did have his Instagram.
Okay. So I DM'd him.
Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 So basically I said, you know, I mean, I could read it to you. Read it.
Really? Yeah, I'd like to hear it. Okay.

Speaker 2 Because you're known to hyperbolize from time to time. All the time.
But, you know, I'm going to be real here. And we're going to

Speaker 2 prove to you that this is real, dude. I believe you.
Well, I'm not looking. I want to hear the verbiage.
Okay, here we go. So, here it is.

Speaker 2 Why is it not loading? You probably. Oh, there it is.
Okay. I do.
So, here, you want to read it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi, so-and-so.

Speaker 2 It was good to briefly see you last night at the store. I noticed your wife didn't shake my hand, which is totally understandable.

Speaker 2 I've said things about you in the past on podcasts that I regret. Right.
I hope we can meet for coffee so I can make amends to you one day.

Speaker 2 If you don't want to, I totally get it.

Speaker 2 I just want to say sorry. Wow.
Okay. And so he goes basically like, understood, thank you.
That's it. Understood thank you.
Exactly. Which is fine.
No, no. Verbatim, understood thank you.

Speaker 2 I can show you the fucking. I would like to see that because that's awfully short.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
That's basically saying fuck you. Yeah.
And I deserve it. So check it out.
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Speaker 2 Support our show and check them out at hexclad.com forward slash bad friends. That's h-e-x-c-l-ad-d.com forward slash bad friend.
Bon epitet. Blue chew.
This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about sex. I love talking about sex.
You want to bring the heat in the bedroom, Bobby Lee. Yes, no, maybe.
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It's sleeping. What is it? What do we learn about toy fish? It's hibernating.
It's hibernating. Like a bear.
Right, but sometimes you need that bear to wake up.

Speaker 2 Right?

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Speaker 2 Visit BlueChoo.com for more details, important safety information, and we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. I feel like now I'm planning to maybe try to do other things.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? To make amends. Oh.
Figuring it out. Go further.
To go further with it. The program says go further.
I'll go further, right? But then four days later, his wife contacted me.

Speaker 2 On DM? Yeah. What is that?

Speaker 2 She goes, basically, she said, I'm confused. Like, I didn't see your hand.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I mean, amends for no reason.

Speaker 2 Mistake amends? I mean, mistake amends. Mistake.
Now I feel like, wow, you dummy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You could have just moved on.

Speaker 2 do you think she saw it she's playing she's playing now now that would be crafty i would say the other side would be this person said something to his wife and said why didn't you shake bobby's hand i thought we're okay we're beyond all that and she was probably like well i i didn't see it i don't think i saw it and he's like you saw it i was sitting right next to you no i don't think i saw it yeah but the way he got up from the table to hug me it was really excited hug well yeah you're an excitable person okay thank you well so that's not that's that's that's not validated.

Speaker 2 No, no, it would no, I want to show you what it was like, okay? Yeah.

Speaker 2 If

Speaker 2 there was a comic, let's say Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan.
All right?

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you know. Oh, he comes in like

Speaker 2 what are you doing?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to act out. Can you move on? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Fucking guy that. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
To be fair, he is doing his job.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 When you act out, what are you talking about? I always act out. What do you come here getting a special shot for, man?

Speaker 2 Dude, it's like Christian Bale was right on the movie site.

Speaker 2 Was it Christian Bale right on the movie site when he fucking went on that rant? Like, don't move. Good for you.
Good for you. You know what I mean? You know, get the

Speaker 2 work with you again then. Right? Because I'm fucking performing and you guys are fixing the lights and jab and all kinds of.
I can't work under these environments.

Speaker 2 I want a professional fucking show, dude. Dude, he can't work under these environments.
Okay. So stop moving, dude.
Stop it. He's doing it.
So if, let's not fuck joke. Let's see.

Speaker 2 A a comic that was above me that had said some shit to me and I had a little bit of resentment. Dave Chappelle.
And I haven't seen him in a long time. Dave Chappelle, right? He walks up to me, right?

Speaker 2 I think my hug would have been, I would go through a process like, should I hug him? Like, there'd be moments of like, what do I do here? I would never hug him. Right.

Speaker 2 But I think end up, yeah, I would. I would never hug him.
If someone I know is like talking shit about me and we don't know each other that well and it's like

Speaker 2 there we go so basically

Speaker 2 this person that you know I supposedly slided has no idea that even I did that. I'm sure he has a pretty good idea you did.

Speaker 4 I'm sure it got back to him somehow.

Speaker 2 But they weren't bad what I was saying.

Speaker 2 But I mean, if you're mocking somebody and you don't know them that well. I'm mocking.
It's like, you know, I'm telling true stories about things that

Speaker 2 I've perceived. But, you know, perception is the eye of the beholder, really.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? So I perceive things, obviously. The other day, Dice goes, Yo, Chin, you're telling that that story wrong,

Speaker 2 right, about the gambling story. And I go, but that's how I remember it.
Right. He remembers it in a completely different way.
He thinks your name is Ching.

Speaker 2 Right. I mean, that's a big thing.
So, like,

Speaker 2 in terms of like, you know what, I'm glad I made amends. It just got a little weird.
And that's it. But making the amends is

Speaker 2 that's the important part.

Speaker 2 That's all that matters. I'm ready to do it.
I have a couple of wars out there that I want to squash. What's another war you want to put out? Yoshi? Oh.
From Super Mario Brothers? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know that guy? Why go to a different time? I go to a different... I can get into the cartoon.
I've seen you get into the sewers outside of the studio. Yeah, yeah.
And when you do, you go,

Speaker 2 yeah. Bob? I've seen the rat from fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Why don't I call him Dad? By the way, was that a white guy that did the Voice of Splinter?

Speaker 2 Because it should be, if it wasn't. Because it's funny.
I'm going to cancel him. Yeah, I know.
If he's not Asian. This is like...
Jackie Chan. No.
Way. Have you heard of him? The new one.

Speaker 2 No, in the new one, who was the original voice of Splinter? Kevin Clash. Kevin Clash.
Guarantee you that guy is fucking white. Yes, he is.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, you don't know Kevin Clash? I don't know who that is. You don't know Kevin Clash.
Say it again, and maybe I'll remember.

Speaker 2 It's just like,

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. It's like, say, stop, but don't take him off.
Take him with him. He's black? No, no.

Speaker 2 Look at me right now. That guy was black.
Stop. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what? And I don't want to start an argument with you. No, you're doing it.
I hear you brewing it right now. I'm not brewing nothing, dude.

Speaker 2 Dude, the coffee maker is warm right now, and I feel the drip about to happen. All right.
What I'm saying is it's surprising because

Speaker 2 you're somebody that when I talk to people about you,

Speaker 2 I go, Yeah, he knows tidbits of information. But I don't know Kevin Clash.
Stop done talking, man. Who is Kevin Clash? Just get to it.

Speaker 2 How about stop this? Stop. Be quiet.
Do any of you fuckheads know Kevin Clash is? Everybody knows Kevin Clash. Do you really do know Kevin Clash? No, he doesn't.
Okay. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Have you heard of Elmo?

Speaker 2 Have you heard of

Speaker 2 Elmo?

Speaker 3 Is that the red one?

Speaker 2 Yes, it's the red puppet that's full of love.

Speaker 2 You know why? Kevin Klaus. Do you know why I don't know that?

Speaker 2 Let me finish. Because I'm a big boy.
Oh, you're a dumb boy. And I'm a big boy, and I don't pay attention to the Sesame Street voiceover actors.
What the fuck are are you doing?

Speaker 2 He's not a Sesame Street voice actor actor. What is Elmo? I'm going to tell you.
What is it? I'm not done talking. Finish.
All right.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 Kevin Clash was a guy. He grew up in Baltimore.

Speaker 2 What are you Wikipedia? No, I'm telling you. Because he's a legend.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 It's like, I know things about Lou Reed. I know things about Curosawa.
I know both of them.

Speaker 2 Lou Reed and Curosawa are not Tevin Clash.

Speaker 2 The voice of Elmo is like Lou Reed. The voice of Elmo, dude, you're fucking so dumb.
Get fucked. The voice

Speaker 2 of Elmo is Lou Reed. That's a comparable thing? Yes.
Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. You're going to make my throat sore, dude.
You're so dumb, dude. Do you know him personally? I'm a huge fan.
If I met him, it would be like... Why are you a huge fan of the Elmo guy?

Speaker 2 It's not just an Elmo guy, dude. He just revolutionized puppeteering.

Speaker 2 When the fuck have you been a puppet fan?

Speaker 2 How deep is your puppet game? Well, I mean, I know the materials they use. Oh, my God.
Who is the voice of Bert?

Speaker 2 Bert was Frank Oz. Oh, my God.
Who's the voice of Ernie?

Speaker 2 It was.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You shouldn't know this.
Yes, I do. Why?

Speaker 2 Could I finish what I'm going to say? Is the voice of Bert Frank Oz?

Speaker 2 I'm going to be saying. Frank Oz is one of them.
Bert or Ernie. What? Frank Oz is Yoda.

Speaker 2 Eric Jacobson and Peter Lynn. Okay, fine.
So you're not deep in the Muppet game.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying that I am a Sesame Street fan. Oh, my God.
The original.

Speaker 2 Listen, listen.

Speaker 2 Can I just finish what I'm going to say before you get angry? I'm already angry. All right, all right.
Because you yelled at me about fucking Kevin Clash, and no one knew who he was. Legend.

Speaker 2 I saw the documentary about him. Him playing Elmo.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 It wasn't.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. No, I saw the documentary.

Speaker 2 Look up the documentary about Kevin Clash. All right.

Speaker 2 Becoming Elmo. Okay.
I watched it. Well, then you would have known who he is.
Yeah, I'm just doing this to brew you up, baby. All right, like, okay,

Speaker 2 take off, right? I'm going to ask you questions about Kevin Clash. Please.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. All right.
So,

Speaker 2 you know, how old was he when he first

Speaker 2 met

Speaker 2 Kermit?

Speaker 2 Not Kermit the Frog, but there's a guy named Kermit who created Kermit the Frog. That guy in New York.
What? 42 years old. No, he was in high school.
You didn't see it. That's what I said.

Speaker 2 He was in high school. That's what I said.
You don't know what you're talking about. He just did.
Stop giving him information. Let me give you the fucking low Don and Kevin Clash, okay, real quick.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, our fans want to know.

Speaker 2 Let's just move on then. No, I want to hear it.
I actually do. Okay.
Might be a lot of Kevin Clash fans in the house. He's a legend.

Speaker 2 Understandably. Okay.
So what happened was, you know, he was, you know, his parents were both African-American. Whoa, slow down.
All right. Sorry.
Right.

Speaker 2 They grew up in an impoverished area of Baltimore. Of Baltimore.
See, I knew that.

Speaker 2 And, you you know, you know, back then, like, you know, people would make fun of, you know, kids that what he would do is he would take his dad's like pimp jacket and like cut out. What's so funny?

Speaker 2 And cut it all up. Right.
Why is it a pimp? You mean it's just a jacket? Like a furry jacket. Was his dad a pimp? No.
Then he's not a pimp jacket.

Speaker 2 You can make it racial.

Speaker 2 No, I'm just saying, right? And then he would like, you know what I mean? And oh boy. Yeah, I'm motherfucking Elmo.

Speaker 2 That was the first version. Yeah, yeah.
So, um. What's up, big bird? Yeah, and his mom would like call Sesame Street and go, my son is really into puppeteering.

Speaker 2 Here's this kid, impoverished, black kid, right? And then he hooked up with

Speaker 2 Captain Kangaroo.

Speaker 2 You know Captain Kangaroo? Yeah, we know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very famous. Gave him a job.
Gave him a job, right?

Speaker 2 Then he fucking meets

Speaker 2 Frank Oz and he meets Jim Henson. Jim Henson.
The legends. The names that people know.
Jim Henson, the legends of the game. Yep.
And Jim goes, well, when you come and work.

Speaker 2 Well, he first offered him in Dark Crystal, and then he couldn't do it for some reason.

Speaker 2 It almost destroyed the relationship. But what happened was...
He's got to sew back together all those pimp jackets.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Well, if you ruin a pimp jacket, you got to put it back together. That is true.

Speaker 2 Of course. Because when daddy finds out, he ain't going to be too happy.
Abby.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 so he's at Sesame Street, young, you know what I mean? I think the first black puppeteer, which is cute. That I know is true.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
And there was. So Elmo wasn't always Elmo.

Speaker 2 A bunch of puppeteers try to make this puppet work. I bet you there's a bunch of puppets laying around and people pick it up and go, what about this? You know what I mean? And

Speaker 2 they're like, no.

Speaker 2 Or whatever. Elmo.
Yeah, right. Exactly.
Yeah, it didn't work. So he, so some guy threw Elmo at him.
You make it work. You can't get it to work.
You make it work. And so

Speaker 2 Kevin Klash took it. And he

Speaker 2 thought about it. And he thought about, what do kids love? What does the voice of love sound like? What is love?

Speaker 2 And he goes, I did see the documentary, by the way. Pure love.
Pure love. And so that's why he came out always hugging.

Speaker 2 It became a hit. Elmo.
Yeah, exactly. And then what ended up happening was he became the executive producer of Sesame District eventually.

Speaker 2 Traveled the world, you know what I mean, as Elmo, helping, you know, I mean, disabled kids and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 I did the body. That's okay.
Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry.
It's instinct for you.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. I mean, I have spinoff.
No, no, you're spinal lifetime.

Speaker 2 Anyway, to me, he's a legend. Come on, finish it.
You were at the point when you were saying.

Speaker 2 He became executive person.

Speaker 2 Traveled the world. Traveled the world entertaining kids

Speaker 2 in

Speaker 2 impoverished lands. Can I ask you something? Because this is me.
I'm not making a joke. Yeah.
Because I saw the documentary. It's great.
He's wonderful.

Speaker 2 Do you think that you secretly wanted to become a puppeteer?

Speaker 2 Is that why it touched you? No, no, I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I'm always interested in people who are a minority in an area where they don't traditionally have minorities and being somebody that becomes a pioneer. I really like that story.

Speaker 2 What are some other ones like that? That's the only one, the peanut butter guy, but he didn't do the peanut butter, so I don't even know.

Speaker 2 Mark Washington, Carver Washington? George Carver Washington. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Apparently, he didn't invent it.
No. Yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm interested in people that are like...

Speaker 2 Like, for instance, like the, like the first, we should do a documentary about the first Asian male American porn star. Has there been one? That's one I don't know.
Yeah, I doubt it.

Speaker 2 If there's one that rises,

Speaker 2 I would probably go, oh, that's my guy. I just got to be honest with you, I highly doubt an Asian male porn star has really made it through the system.
Why?

Speaker 2 Well, there's checks and balances, aren't there?

Speaker 2 Stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 You're going to piss me off, right? Here he is. Yeah.
Kenny Stiles. Styles is born to a single mother who was a sex worker in Thailand.

Speaker 2 So his mom was already in the business, inheriting the business, if you will. Yeah, yeah.
Look at Kenny's doing it. They moved to the United Kingdom where she married a British national.

Speaker 2 And then this guy is now a porn star here.

Speaker 2 He's from Lampung, Thailand. By the way, you know, I don't know if you guys know this about Kenny Styles.
2006, he won Best Male Newcomer. Wow.

Speaker 2 He's regarded as the first heterosexual Asian male porn star in American pornography. The first one.
I know. And what's his name?

Speaker 3 Kenny Styles.

Speaker 2 Kenny Styles. Well, I would like to know him.
Well, let's see his penis. Kenny Styles penis.
I'd like to see what he's packing. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, it's a cute little penis.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. He's working as hard as he can to get it.

Speaker 2 I mean, that thing is working over. He's sucking in.
He's that's working. Because look at that one.
That's the more realistic version. Right.
Yeah. Zoom in on that.
Yeah. Not impressive.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're being mean, dude. Being truthful.
Well, but why is Big Dick? I like my porn stars black. Okay?

Speaker 2 Refute that. I really can't.
Yeah, you can't. Look at that surprise.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

Speaker 2 You could have put it in your mouth? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 well, you know what? Let's learn. How about this? I'm reaching out right now.

Speaker 2 I'm reaching out globally to Kenny Styles.

Speaker 2 If you want to come on Bad Friends, USA number one. We would love to have you on Bad Friends.
That's the first heterosexual Asian porn star in America. We'd love to have Kenny Styles on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, you know, is there like,

Speaker 2 how about the first Asian NASCAR driver? Never going to happen.

Speaker 2 Why? There was one, actually.

Speaker 2 Fiery accident.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He went in reverse.

Speaker 2 Put his blinker on.

Speaker 2 Oh, Fukuyama. That's right.
He must have been great. He's a Japanese race car driving.
He attempted to complete NASCAR. You know, he attempted to get in a NASCAR and it didn't work out.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, it's interesting. What is another thing?

Speaker 2 Like, what would a black person guy not be good at? Careful, careful.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be very careful. But what I'm saying is that in your thinking, you think...
It would not be good. No, no.
It's unorthodox. Unorthodox is what I meant to say, right?

Speaker 2 Like, you would never think that a black dude would be one of the best puppeteers.

Speaker 2 Why not, though? It's just in my mind, it wouldn't. It just doesn't make any.

Speaker 2 Is she drowning?

Speaker 2 Look at her. She's drowning.
She's sounding. Yeah, that's that a black swimmer? Yeah, they're like the pioneers in black swimming.
It's incredible. She needs something to lean on.
Look at her. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, can you look up

Speaker 2 Charleston?

Speaker 2 You know our boy Charleston, what's his name? The guy that we like. Listen, what's his name, McCone? But it's like the Jamaican Bob slut team.
Look at this, Bob. Okay.
All right, here we go, man.

Speaker 2 Her to help black people

Speaker 2 apartment swimming pools.

Speaker 2 What kind of shit is that? What kind of shit is that?

Speaker 7 Apartment swimming pool.

Speaker 8 Them motherfucking Moflan ain't open during neighborhoods no way in them apartment. They ain't never open five days after we

Speaker 2 never. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they damn near help us, homie. Uh, because if it wasn't for them apartment,

Speaker 7 swimming pool,

Speaker 8 they ain't getting no water during the summertime.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 8 mamas ain't taking them to Hurricane Harbor.

Speaker 7 That's swimming. That's summer swimming pool.

Speaker 5 Take your ass down to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 7 yeah, that's summer swimming pools. Yeah, a lot of times that's where you get your first little piece of pussy at boy in the parlour complaint

Speaker 2 Bro, I fucking love that guy.

Speaker 2 What's his name? I want to see him Charleston White. Okay fucking hysterical.
All right. The swimming pools.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's arguing that they're not open five days a week. Yeah.
In the black apartment complexes. Like they shut down for most of the week.
That's insane. That's insane.
Mando.

Speaker 2 You know what sometimes I'm hanging out with people, dude? Like me? Not you, because you always smell good to me. Thank you.
But sometimes I'm with you know somebody. Go ahead and name him.

Speaker 2 John Hakeskins. John Haskins? Yeah.
That guy stinks. Stinks, right? He's a stinky.
He puts deodorant in his pits. But

Speaker 2 whenever I'm with John, I'm like, why don't you do it all over your body? They should have it all over. But they have it.

Speaker 2 They do? Yeah. With Mando.
Mando, dude. Stop the shower and hope.
Save hope for important things. Like that time that you were hanging out with Bobby at a party and you stunk up the room.
Yeah.

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Speaker 2 You know, by the way, in your pool, in your backyard, I learned this. You know, it's illegal to not have it fenced in?

Speaker 2 If a kid crawls into your backyard, like a kid in the neighborhood, and falls in the pool in California, they can sue you. Well, mine's fenced in.
No, you're not. There's a fence around your property.

Speaker 2 There's not a fence around your pool, like that. Any property of the pool in California, you must have a property fence that's at least five feet tall.
Do you have a pool? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You have a fence around it? No. Well, we both fucked that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, somebody brought this up to me. The real estate agent was like,

Speaker 2 there's no offense right i was like no this the house my house was built in 1940 oh my god imagine what would you do well i'd move no i don't want a dead kid going imagine going into your backyard and you see you know what i mean a kid floating

Speaker 2 what do you mean that's just gnarly it's gnarling that's awful so what do you do you're just like

Speaker 2 you know what i would do get back on the road and do stand-up no no no i would pick up the kid oh my god i'm not gonna touch him no watch what i do huh and put him in the other swimming pools next neighbor's swimming pool.

Speaker 2 Oh, smart. Yeah, it's somebody else's pool.
You go put in the neighbor's swimming pool. Right.
Transport him. You transport it.
Right. And that was

Speaker 2 your way, right? So now you've broken multiple laws.

Speaker 2 What law did I break? What? What? The swimming pool law, yeah, but... Tampering with...
You can't move a body? No. I don't think so.
No.

Speaker 2 Why is that illegal? I don't know, man, but it definitely is. If I didn't kill it, if I didn't kill somebody.
Hold on.

Speaker 2 In some states, you can transport a human body by ground yourself without the services of a funeral director. So you could be like, I was just transporting.
Yeah, what states are that?

Speaker 2 Definitely not here. You know, that's got to be.

Speaker 2 Your neighbor.

Speaker 2 And the other if your neighbor saw, would he snitch? Your neighbor looks over. He's in the bathroom and he's brushing his teeth.
He looks down. Barbara? He sees a kid in the pool.
Oh, yeah, he would.

Speaker 2 He would snitch. Of course.

Speaker 2 And the other guy, though, my other neighbor is a writer on Babylon 5.

Speaker 2 Is that still in the air? No. But it was like an old sci-fi show.
Yeah, it was like 30 years ago. Right, right.
So he's an old writer, right? So I got

Speaker 2 comedy producer on one side and a babylon and a babylon writer wow i would put in the babylon writer

Speaker 2 right they both have pools you have to put in his pool i just know about the best way to go to his backyard well the writer might figure out a good story to tell at some point he'll might write that could be a book yeah a body is found in my pool it's probably his also because the kid would probably come from him jesus christ this got sad what does he have little kids No, but grandkids.

Speaker 2 That's not that big of a deal. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's pretty hard fun. No, no, grandkids are fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or what else? What could you find the bottom? What else could you do? Or could you drain the pool, first of all? I mean, you don't know you got to drain it. Why? Well, I mean, I don't go in there.

Speaker 2 That's true. You don't.
Yeah, yeah. It's all for show.
Like, to girls, I have a pool.

Speaker 2 You've never been in there. You've never been in your pool.
Never been in there. Isn't that amazing? Yeah.
You've never once been in your pool? No, never. Do you have a hot tub? No.
Okay.

Speaker 2 It's like a salt pool or something. Yeah, saltwater pool.
Yeah. But you've never gone in? Yeah.
Do do is that by.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go ahead. Do Asian people?

Speaker 2 I'm a great swimmer. No, no, no.
I'm saying, but like culturally. We swim.
So if you went to a pool party. I go in the pool.
You don't go in your own pool. You go to by myself?

Speaker 2 Just waiting by myself in the bed. I'm not going to do that.
It's so relaxing.

Speaker 2 I do it. Okay, maybe I will.
But wait, I'm asking you. Okay.
Asian guy, Gene Hong, throws a fucking house party. It's mostly Asians.

Speaker 2 Are you getting in the pool? If you say it's a pool party, if there's a pool party, I've been always known to do gags in the pool. You're a gag in the pool and have fun in the pool.

Speaker 2 But my point being is if I'm alone in my house, I'm not going to go in the pool by myself.

Speaker 4 Do you ever take a bath?

Speaker 2 Yes, it's not in the pool. It's kind of the same shit.
Instead of in terms of like solo relaxation and water, what's the difference?

Speaker 2 Or I'll do it this summer. I want you to do it.
I'll do it this summer. Anyway, what do we even talk about? Oh, the dead kid in the pool.
Dead kid in the pool. Yeah, I would just call the cop.

Speaker 2 Yeah, call him, yeah. And then what do you go? Do I go to prison? You might, yeah.
Because I don't have a fence around my fucking pool? No, because they could tell that you tried to move the body.

Speaker 2 No, I wouldn't move it. They could tell.

Speaker 2 There's like so much water on the side of the pool where you drug them out and then try to flip brains. Yeah.
And then they're like, did you try to remove the body? What would you do?

Speaker 2 Hit the pool cover. Woo!

Speaker 2 Just pretend it never happened.

Speaker 2 Oh, you have a pool cover? You just press a button? Woo!

Speaker 2 Wow. I got to get one of those.
No, I don't have one. Yeah, you would have to call.
Yeah, I'd be calling. Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, that reminds me, my dad's, one of my dad's best friends, they have a beautiful big pond in their backyard back home in Chicago. They go in that? They go in the pond, in the pool.
No.

Speaker 2 No, they have a pond, but they have koi fish in there. Koi fish, you know, they do suspend, they suspend themselves in the winter in the frozen water.
They can, they, they animate, what is it called?

Speaker 2 Don't look it up. Don't look it up.
Don't look it up. I want to guess what it is.

Speaker 2 Explain yourself. The koi can live in frozen pond water.
They freeze. They freeze.
And then they thaw out during the summer. Yeah, 100%.
Because frogs do that. Yeah, but these koi do it.

Speaker 2 And I was like, wait, aren't you, didn't you have to take out the koi? He's like, we had to net the koi pond because coyotes would come and eat the koi. When they're frozen?

Speaker 2 In the middle of the night. No, no, no.
Just regular.

Speaker 2 But he was like, we take it off in the winter because they're frozen underneath the ice. And you can see their dig marks.
Still, the coyote stuff are trying to get to them. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 But it's so thick and deep. Oh, of course.
They can't get to it. Wow.
But so the koi fish are just there, frozen under the water. I think, what do they dream about?

Speaker 2 What do you think they dream about for five months, months, six months? What could you dream about? No matter what they're dreaming about, it's pretty like, it's always like,

Speaker 2 like, they could be like dreaming about, like, you know, you know what I mean? I'm at Disneyland, right? But do they get to go to Disneyland? Yeah, but the whole time they're just cold, freezing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, at Disneyland. Show me what koi fish frozen thing is.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Look at my hands.
No, that's how they freeze. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, that's not frozen pot. Not frozen.
Give them a frozen pot. There, that one was frozen.
That's frozen too, dude. That's crazy.
It's crazy to me. Look it up.
Look up the. You looked it up.

Speaker 2 Walt Disney had a theory here.

Speaker 2 He knew what he was doing. Yeah.
Go back to all, the original. Yeah, that one's frozen.
Just chilling. Go back to all, just so I see the text of it all.
What did it say in the beginning?

Speaker 2 Neither goldfish nor koi. Wait, nor koi can freeze into a block of ice to thaw it in the spring.
That's that's not true. So what? It just they stay in the water when it's cold?

Speaker 2 The fish are warmer and safer with ice. Oh, so it's frozen,

Speaker 2 but underneath the water, they just stay still?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I guess so.

Speaker 2 So you just lied. No, they're no.
No, you just lied. No, I didn't lie, dude.
Yeah, you did. You said they're frozen.
They look frozen. But they're not frozen.
Well, they're obviously in frozen.

Speaker 2 Now you know they didn't freeze. Thank you, dude.
I'm informed.

Speaker 2 I mean, just don't throw out facts that you fucking know that

Speaker 2 your process is, dude. Liar.
You're a liar. The Koi's metabolism slows down to a crawl.
They spend most of their time treading water at the bottom of the pond. Yeah, we all do that.

Speaker 2 No, they look frozen. When you see it, you've never seen me in the tundra, dude.
I do that too. I go right into

Speaker 2 the pool.

Speaker 2 I could be in any environment, and you know what I mean? And

Speaker 2 I can bring my body down to barely alive. You're doing it right now.

Speaker 2 Point. Point.

Speaker 2 Point, dude. So I guess they don't freeze.
Wow. But they just stay in frozen water.
But there are frogs that do it.

Speaker 2 Google that.

Speaker 2 Let me see if I want to see if I won this point.

Speaker 2 it's not a point it is because you got yours wrong i'm going to say about me are there frogs that get completely frozen and then they come back alive 65 of the body is frozen solid so no they don't completely freeze that's pretty that's a lot that's more than half yeah yeah that's a lot of frozen dude they're half yeah yeah more than half look at him there that's it yeah

Speaker 2 look at that guy probably bummed

Speaker 2 yeah probably bummed he's just like rib is he conscious rib

Speaker 2 rip rip yeah

Speaker 2 well like you know, like a bear's hibernation. They're not sleeping the whole fucking time.
That was something I...

Speaker 2 When you were a kid, didn't you think that they slept the whole fucking time they told you that they did? They don't?

Speaker 4 They don't sleep the whole time.

Speaker 2 No, they play Jenga. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. And Uno.
Yeah, they don't do that. Well, some of them.
Yeah, some of them do. Well,

Speaker 2 black bears probably play dice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's funny.

Speaker 2 Bears do wake up, however, move around inside the den. Yeah.
Yeah. So what they'll do is they go in and out of sleep, but then they quickly go back to sleep.

Speaker 2 So they're not sleeping the whole fucking time.

Speaker 2 I would, you are like that. What? You would love if career-wise we could hibernate for a little while.
Oh, yeah. If we could sleep for like a month or two straight.
But do I have to

Speaker 2 gather before?

Speaker 2 You've been gathering, my guy. No, but like squirrels, they gather, right? Bears do too.
They gather shit. They gather shit.
Yeah. Well, what happens is it says, go back to that article, it even said.

Speaker 2 You would make Carlos gather for you. Yeah, 100%.
Eight to 12 degrees, they're lower their body.

Speaker 2 There is one. Oh, he's taking a shot.
No, that's right. No, you did just take a shot.
That was a lazy shot. That was like, you're lazy.
You let Carlos do your gathering. So that's another no move.

Speaker 3 No, you're a bear.

Speaker 2 No, there's nothing you can do. I ranked.

Speaker 2 You broke your contract. No.
Yes, you did. You wrote a fucking.
Did he not read a contract? He just broke it. You did.

Speaker 2 I'm lazy. No.
No. Fucking laugh.
Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 2 You even said you were going to make fun of me and you didn't. You made made fun of him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so difficult.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's difficult to do it, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you're mean.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So, you know, I don't know. Maybe Ronnie Cheng's available.
We'll see what happens. I doubt it.
Anyway,

Speaker 2 so busy. Look at him napping.
Well, that.

Speaker 2 Go deeper in. No, you got to.
He's too exposed. Oh, he doesn't even know how.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. No, see, they don't need to be like.
Oh, they don't even go into a cave. They can go underneath a tree.
As long as it's protected right yeah there he is that's his little spot whoa

Speaker 2 oh wow that's interesting where do they go if there's no cave that's what it says yeah oh that's how you know the difference shoulder hump this is good information

Speaker 2 but why can't let me ask you something if i made

Speaker 2 there's a business well i don't know how i'm gonna get money for it but if i

Speaker 2 can you build them a house

Speaker 2 build a bear house yeah like a bear house you think they would get in instinctually? A sanctuary. A bear sanctuary? You can get that? Yeah.
Like, make it more domey.

Speaker 2 But I don't know, dude, because they're cavernous creatures. Like, they like caves, not houses.
They like to be cold caves underground or close to the earth.

Speaker 2 Like, my dog, by the way, I bought my fucking dog, a cool little dog house thing, and she never goes in it. It's a waste of time.
Oh, dude. I was like, why the fuck did I get you that?

Speaker 2 I spent $15,000. I don't.

Speaker 2 What's the matter? On the cat

Speaker 2 on the cat sanctuary.

Speaker 2 They've never been out there. No, and it's insane.
Sometimes I'll go, I'll open up the door. Come on.
Nothing. No, they just go, no.
No. Yeah.
They even say it. No.
Yeah. Yeah.
No. I bought my cat.

Speaker 2 I already think I already said this. An expensive bed.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I caught

Speaker 2 Bojo sleeping in the middle of a rolled yogo mat.

Speaker 2 He was in there like this, right next to the expensive bed. It was, I mean, being inside a Boa constructor is probably more comfortable than a fucking rolled yoga mat.

Speaker 2 Cats, they don't, they don't care. And they also don't care about healthy.
Well,

Speaker 2 what? What do you mean? Well, what? You're going to slam me, slam me. I wasn't slamming.
Well, their owner's unhealthy. Why would they be healthy? Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 2 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You.
Well. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you. No, what? They don't care about healthy? What? Their healthy living? No, I'll go and go.

Speaker 2 I'll go to the fucking pet food store and go, hey, guy, what's the best, like the premium dry food? Cat fancy.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not even origin.
It's like, you know what I mean? There's one that's in French writing, and the bag feels like not paper, but like there's a sheen on it.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's like a matte finish. Right.
And the, and the, and the, um,

Speaker 2 and the font on it is like old English.

Speaker 2 But in France, you know what I mean? Yeah, what's it called? It's like bourclais, faux bronze glanced.

Speaker 2 Yeah, whatever it is. Yeah, faux glanced.
Pourcats, it says, right? Porcatsu. Yeah, and I buy bags of this shit.
They don't like it. I go to Vaughn's.
I get the cheapest fucking dry. They love that.

Speaker 2 Well, you could buy it. You know, you could buy them just canned tuna and throw it in a cup.
They'll eat that shit.

Speaker 2 My cats won't even do that. Well, you see, you've got them accustomed to good shit.
It's either like, it's either like if I go to,

Speaker 2 you know, like. We're crock potting chicken right now at my house for my dog.
Wow.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. We crock, but we do the big crock pot.
Yeah. We feed her dog food that has the nutrients and vitamins in it, but she fucking loves chicken.

Speaker 2 She loves the chicken. So we'll do a big crock pot.
Although,

Speaker 2 the last thing I want to say too about my,

Speaker 2 I've been talking about my interior designer. So when they so when they put up the the paint,

Speaker 2 they paint it or they put up wallpaper? Some wallpaper, some paint. Got it.
I literally was like,

Speaker 2 this doesn't look good at all. You didn't pre-approve it? I did.
But once you see it live, you're like, it feels weird.

Speaker 2 but then once they put in the furniture and the drapes it looks beautiful it's just incredible i've like i've never felt so i like are you saying you're inviting the boys over never

Speaker 2 i'll never never you guys come over to my house you came over today mccone uh yesterday yeah yeah yeah you let him in or no he just stays out in the driveway yeah yeah i go here's my suit did you drop off his suit today right it's here back today So you're wearing

Speaker 2 a suit and tie? What time are they picking up tomorrow? 10 a.m. Me too.
You're wearing a suit and tie? No, just a suit, a t-shirt.

Speaker 2 You know.

Speaker 2 I'm wearing a wife beater.

Speaker 2 No, you're not.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. I am.
I'm wearing a wife beater. Yeah.
And board shorts. I'm spiking my hair like Guy Fieri.
That's so funny. Please do that.
I'm going to. No, really? Why not? Please do it.
It's TV.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to have fun.
Yeah. But you in a suit is so funny.
Or should I wear like a Hawaiian shirt beneath it? Absolutely not. Wear a suit.

Speaker 2 You're dressed up. You're the patriarch of the family.

Speaker 2 Are you nervous? Not even a little bit. I am.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because if I can't be Flavor Flave, what can I do?

Speaker 2 Well, this episode will have come out. We were playing Flavor Flav's Family on Family Feud.
If I can't be Flavor Flave, what else do I do in life? Ah, you crazy! I know. He's going to smoke us.

Speaker 2 You think the Flavor Flave family is going to smoke? I don't know. We got some good ones, though.
We do, but I think Flave is better than we think. Don't listen.
Don't underestimate the Flav, dude.

Speaker 2 I want to tell you something for real. What would it be if Chuck D showed up?

Speaker 2 That'd be great. How do you know? We don't know.
We don't know. That would be fucking amazing.
That'd be amazing. I just got fucking.
If Chuck D just popped in. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Yeah, boy. How great would that fucking be? Wow.
Do you know how bad McCone wants to go? But do you have to? You have to try.

Speaker 2 You don't try for the laughs. I'm going for the laugh.
I know. I've been thinking about it.
We're going for the laughs. But you're going to try to be the right answer, no?

Speaker 2 Let me say, if you knew, if you had two choices, the right answer or the funny answer, what you were going to do? Funny always. Oh, man.
We gotta. No, but I will say this to you.

Speaker 2 Of course, I'm gonna try my best. Okay.

Speaker 2 Why are you picking up a gun? I was just putting it down. Well, why'd you have it up? I was holding it over here, and then I just spawned.
You've been holding a gun the whole show? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just in case. What the fuck is going on over here? All right.
Wait, I need to ask you this. Yeah.
I want to play fast money. Yes.
It has to be me and you and Fast Money. It is.
If we win. Yes.

Speaker 2 You pre-selected that? Yeah, it's you and me. Okay.

Speaker 2 Who would it be? Anybody else on the team? No. Just you and me.
You and me, fast money. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm so nervous.

Speaker 2 I just asked you like. I know.
I had to lie. I'm just lying.
Are you nervous? You very. I'm so nervous.
I know. Yeah, because it's like fast money.
I could get all zeros. Me too.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But if we do get all zeros together, so fun.

Speaker 2 I mean, amazing.

Speaker 2 Should we go during fast money, should we do it purposely to get no points? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's even a bigger challenge. No, but we're playing for charity.
So we want to win the money for the charity.

Speaker 2 I think they automatically do it now. I know they do.
Yeah, they got to. So if we get the challenge is now to get all zeros.
That's a good challenge. And fast money.
Yeah. You mean? So it's like...

Speaker 2 That could be actually funnier than us actually trying. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, if he's like, name me a color on the Rubik's Cube. Scoobich.

Speaker 2 That's so good. Scoobich.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Scoobich? Yeah.
Show me Scoobich. Yeah, yeah.
I think.

Speaker 2 orange chicken.

Speaker 2 I would say orange chicken. Orange chicken.
You'll get points for the orange. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What if our answers are all Asian stuff? Oh, far. That's good.
If he's like, when your spouse comes home late at night, what's the first thing you think of? Rick Shaw.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
That's a good one. Name an age when a man's body starts to fall apart.
I saw.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Really? You think so? I saw.

Speaker 2 You don't think that'll be good? I think it'd be so funny. To tank it is almost funnier than doing well.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something. All right.

Speaker 2 When you're driving around, how long would you take before you ask for help? Kimchi.

Speaker 2 But say it confidently looking down. Yeah, yeah.
Not even skip a beat. Yeah, yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 Name me a color on the rainbow.

Speaker 2 Walk.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I think we should do it. No.
Come on. Well, we're going to commit to it on the day.
How about this? Depending on the mood of the show, we'll make a shotgun decision.

Speaker 2 You know, Steve's going to hate it. Here's another thing.
He's going to be so mad about it. My fear is this.

Speaker 2 Not only are we bad, but we're not funny as well.

Speaker 2 That's impossible. No.

Speaker 2 No, no. I bet you, Carlos.
No, it can be completely. Because the thing is, when people are funny on that show, it's not that they're funny people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's just they make a mistake that's like, you know, that Steve can do like an awkward

Speaker 2 stare or whatever or make it weird. You know,

Speaker 2 If we try to be funny, it could come across as hammy.

Speaker 2 I know what you're saying. So, we can't try to be funny like

Speaker 2 that.

Speaker 2 I think that if I go, I'll be really excited. So, hey, Steve.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? See, but then it's going to come off as hammy. No, okay.
Be real. You do, Steve.
Oh, man. We got a good one for you today.
Introducing the Lee family.

Speaker 2 First up is Bobby. Bobby.
Introduce everybody here on the lineup. What? Introduce everybody and your family.

Speaker 2 How you doing, man? You good? I'm good, man. I'm just so nervous.
You still do stand-up?

Speaker 2 So we got here Andrew Santino. I love him.
Yeah. His stand-up.
You're going to go all down. He goes down the line, right? His stand-up is so good, this guy.
I love this guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He'll ask Kalila. What else we got? Who's that? My ex-girlfriend, Kalila.
You brought your ex to the show. And then Esther.
I don't know her that well.

Speaker 2 Who that little nugget? Esther.

Speaker 2 That's an adult. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And then gene so um

Speaker 2 i think we're gonna do great

Speaker 2 you know here's the thing so i haven't been the reason why i want you there too yeah is if the ship goes down we're going down together we have to go down together yeah we will we have to go down if it sinks we sink as one yeah i won't let you down baby although if the ship sinks and we're both on a door

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You know, like the ship sinks and I got a door to hold on to and then you're swimming in the water and you're like, I'm cold.

Speaker 2 Can I get on the door? Yeah. Oh, like in, I get it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Titanic.
Why didn't she let him on the door?

Speaker 2 There was plenty of fucking room.

Speaker 2 Right. Why didn't she let him on the door? Look at how much room is on the door.

Speaker 2 If I would, but here's what I, but he fucked up. Look at how comfortable that bitch looks.
And she's got a fucking life preserver on. But this is where he fucked up.
I thought about it.

Speaker 2 Falling in love with her? No. What? He's in the water.
Got it. What I would have done is looked her right in the eyes and said, hey, Rose, it's much warmer in the water.
Oh.

Speaker 4 She pops in.

Speaker 2 I jump on, right? And I go, sucker. And I start wading away, right?

Speaker 2 What do you think? That's good. I start wading right, right? Smart.
Go shark. You know, and I start wading away.
Bye, Rose. Bye, Rose.
What would you do?

Speaker 2 There's no way you would because you're a human. You just met the bitch.
Your instinct. On the boat.
You didn't know her. You just met the bitch on the boat.

Speaker 2 A Titanic passenger list reveals that there were eight travelers of Chinese descent aboard the Titanic, but only six of them survived. Li Bing,

Speaker 2 Chang Chip, Cheng Fu.

Speaker 2 Chang Chip was on there. Chang Chip.
I'm such a big fan of her work. Chung Fu, Ling He.
Chung Fu. I've had that at the restaurant.
Feng Lang and A Lam. Dude, it's, you know.
Have you ever had A Lam?

Speaker 2 It's delicious.

Speaker 2 I know. You know what makes me even angry after you read that?

Speaker 2 Not one person

Speaker 2 you saw them in the movie.

Speaker 2 Well, they, all, six of them survived.

Speaker 2 At least in the background walking by with a plate? First of all, they didn't even fucking do that. No, those were passengers.
They weren't.

Speaker 2 Well, the guy on the left definitely was, almost died. Look at his face.

Speaker 4 Jesus, he got shot?

Speaker 2 I don't know. What happened to his face? Dude, they looked.

Speaker 2 Now, this is a movie I would love to see. The six Chinese.
The six survivors from the Titanic. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, they probably did sneaky shit, though. Sneaky shit.
Shit. Yeah, yeah.
What do they do?

Speaker 2 What were they up to on the boat, you think, these Chinese travelers?

Speaker 2 The tragic tale of Masabi Honso, the Japanese Titanic survivor who was ostracized for not going down with the ship.

Speaker 2 Oh, from Japan. The culture.

Speaker 2 Wait. Yeah, the culture goes, you should have died with the everybody else.

Speaker 2 They should have survived and they were mad about it. Like sugar.
Like in Godzilla minus one, the theme, right? And the theme was like, you know, he didn't go down with the bonsai.

Speaker 2 So when he came back to the, you know what I mean? You know, the military, you know,

Speaker 2 he's disgraced. He was disgraced.

Speaker 2 How are you alive? He's the only this dude was the only Japanese traveler to board the ship. And he survived.
It's uncorrelated. Give this guy his flowers.
Why would they want him dead?

Speaker 2 He was prepared to die when an officer said there was a space on the lifeboat. I will take my life.

Speaker 2 He's the space officer.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Right. I love him, like, his eyes dart.

Speaker 2 That's really funny. You think there's room for one more?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. According to Metropolis Japan, he was shamed for not adhering to the women and children first principle, avoiding an honorable death.
Hans

Speaker 2 subject to what the Japanese referred to as Mura

Speaker 2 Hachibu, or social ostracism. So they fucking ridiculed this guy for living through the worst tragedy he could have lived through.
Oh my.

Speaker 2 that's fuck, man. He lost his job despite being hired part-time.
The stigma followed him for the rest of his life. Hansel lived in quiet shame as a recluse and like, well, why did I lose my job?

Speaker 2 Oh, because you are alive.

Speaker 2 Right? Even upon his passing, mention of the Titanic had been forbidden in his home. That is, that is a part of Japanese culture that you're like, it's bullshit.
Get rid of that.

Speaker 2 That's bullshit. It's bullshit.
That poor bastard. Poor bastard.

Speaker 2 Women and children were on. There was a spot.
Also, can I just say this? Back then, like, racism was like prevalent. It was at its all-time high.
Right.

Speaker 2 So, like, imagine him on the boat and people are scooting away. Right.
They would do that. They don't want to touch him.
They don't want to touch. No, racism at its all-time high.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, what? What a lonely boat ride. I mean, how quiet.
Nobody wants to say anything. Yeah.
Because he's there. They're afraid he's like, you know, you know.

Speaker 2 But what if he said something, made everyone laugh? It's dead quiet. Dead silent.
And then he looks at everyone and he goes, at all.

Speaker 2 And they all just start laughing.

Speaker 2 I think I would have been really funny on that bout.

Speaker 2 Don't you think?

Speaker 2 Oh, they made a movie. There's a North Korean on the Titanic.
There's a North Korean version.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's fun. Oh, my God.
That's so funny. It's quiet.

Speaker 3 A hundred times in a row to perfect their story. Wow.

Speaker 2 They what? Kim John made a or someone made them watch Titanic 10 or 100 times so that they could know the story so well. Wow.
And so we made it North Korea. Is the graphics as good? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 It looks the exact same. It's called Souls Protest.

Speaker 2 Oh, we got to get that movie. Can we buy that? There's no way to find that movie.
Hey, how about Quiet on the Boat? The water splishing by.

Speaker 2 Everyone's staring.

Speaker 2 He's sitting there, Japanese guy. And then he goes,

Speaker 2 More like a not so nice bug.

Speaker 2 Dude, imagine him trying to.

Speaker 2 He's trying to do a bit. He's trying to do stand-ups.

Speaker 2 He's trying to do a witty bit there. That's so funny.
And it dies. It dies.
Yeah, yeah, it dies. That would have died.
It bombs so bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But one kid in the back is like...

Speaker 2 The whole movie's on YouTube for free. You better believe it is.
Yeah, well, they wanted propaganda.

Speaker 2 Oh, this looks exactly like the original.

Speaker 2 What if the Japanese guy goes?

Speaker 2 What if the Japanese guy goes... Turn it off.

Speaker 2 He goes,

Speaker 2 just dead quiet. This is my overbuttes.
Water swishing by.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know it's really cold, but nobody says, it's so nippy.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 He goes. That's good.

Speaker 2 Capitan said,

Speaker 2 Iceberg not that big.

Speaker 4 I guess he was a Wong.

Speaker 2 Who was driving that ship? A Chinese guy?

Speaker 2 Dude, him doing bits on the bus.

Speaker 2 I would fucking lose my shit. So funny.
That's such a fucking insane concept. That's insane.
And the poor guy

Speaker 2 ridiculed,

Speaker 2 lost everything. Probably killed himself.
No, he didn't. He said he died his natural death by himself in his house alone, jobless and alone.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, come on. By the way, did you see this clip of Trump going to Chick-fil-A? Have you seen that? No.
It's fucking hilarious, dude.

Speaker 2 This guy, he's non-stop. he's a non-stop media fucking frenzy.

Speaker 5 This guy, Donald Trump went to a Chick-fil-A yesterday and was talking with the workers, and it was such an organic moment because you had all these people

Speaker 5 who were Trump's supporters as well, minorities.

Speaker 2 What are the chances?

Speaker 2 What good-looking people,

Speaker 9 and I love notice what you have here.

Speaker 9 That's been beautiful.

Speaker 2 Wow, Dude, he's hilarious.

Speaker 2 Hawaii.

Speaker 2 And also some chicken.

Speaker 2 This is good.

Speaker 2 Making a lot of money.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Everyone's getting rich that works at fucking Chick-fil-A.
Donald Trump.

Speaker 4 That's so fucking detached.

Speaker 2 That's hysterical. He does not.
We'll take 30 milkshakes. I'm sure you're all billionaires.
When you get out of here, do you fly or drive? What a fucking goon. He's not an asshole.

Speaker 2 Are you all Republicans?

Speaker 2 By the way, this is a note to our fans. When you walk into a Chick-fil-A, ask if they're Republicans.

Speaker 2 Don't order yet.

Speaker 2 Hi, welcome to McDonald's. How can I take your order? Hi, are you a Republican?

Speaker 2 That's insane. So what I want to do is I want to end this podcast by asking Andreas,

Speaker 2 when are you shooting your movie?

Speaker 2 When you aren't available.

Speaker 2 So, have you gone through the casting process? I'm on it right now. Cool.
Good luck. Thank you.
Let's see this final clip to end the show. What is it?

Speaker 9 After we finished filming, OJ said to me that he had a surprise for me, and I genuinely was surprised. Just did you do it?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't.

Speaker 9 I think it was his idea of a joke. Nope.

Speaker 9 And this is it.

Speaker 2 Didn't I just? No, I didn't.

Speaker 2 She shit her pants, huh?

Speaker 2 Dude, I would be rest in peace, OJ. You fucking asshole.
What a fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, dude.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Thank you for being a bad friend.