We Go Cruising

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Hey, everybody. Bob Lee here.
I normally don't promote dates, but I'm going to be at the Brea

Improv May 3rd and May 4th. Come check it out.
Hey, it's Andrew Santino. I definitely promote

dates. I'm going to be in Tampa April 26th, 27th.
Then I'm going to Phoenix May 3rd and 4th when

he's in Brea. Then I'm in Nashville May 10th and 12th.
In Dallas, Texas, May 31st. Then I go to

Thank you. April 26th, 27th.
Then I'm going to Phoenix May 3rd and 4th when he's in Brea. Then I'm in Nashville May 10th and 12th.

In Dallas, Texas

May 31st.

Then I go to San Francisco.

We added shows in Dallas

and San Francisco.

Go to andrewsantino.com

for tickets.

andrewsantino.com

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude

and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad friends.

Put the lotion in the

basket. Jessie's girl.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I wish I had Jessie's girl.

Jessie's girl.

Jessie's girl.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

Why can't I find a co-host like that?

Jessie's back. Jessie's back.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's back. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's back.
Thank you for having me back. I want to talk like this the whole time.
Oh, good. That'll be good for us.
It's a new character I'm working on, guys. You'll see the variety of characters I come up with this year.
Because you've been having a lot of sex. What about this guy? I can do that, too.
I'm not having any sex. I thought you were.
No. That's crazy.
That's crazy talk. He's having a lot of sex.
No, I'm born again Christian. Then what's this? Oh, wow.
What's that? Great. Wow.
The fake paparazzi? Who's that girl? I don't know who that person is. Who's that? I have no idea who that is.
Watch what she does here, though.

We got Bobby Lee getting into his dented Audi.

So this is what happened.

We go around the car.

She's so nervous that I go, what are you doing on this side?

Go around.

She thought you were an Uber?

She was like, what is going on here?

Because they're flashing.

And then she was like, I can go around. You should have opened the door for her.
I don't do that anymore. I should have done.
Why? What do you mean? Because I'm Jessie's girl. Yeah, anyway.
So, wait a minute. What's a Hollywood curtain? Where was this? What restaurant? Oh, I'll show you what it's called.
I forgot. It's an Italian restaurant called.
God, you're so famous. I'm not famous.
Shut the fuck. I love you.
Giorgio Baldi. Yeah, Giorgio Baldi.
Oh, nice. Have you been there? you're so famous I'm not famous Shut the I love you Giorgio Baldi Yeah, Giorgio Baldi Oh, nice Have you been there? No, no I'm not fancy like you Shut up You're more fancy than me You're the one that knows All the restaurants In every city that we go to You're the one that knows You have to do the playlists Whenever I'm in a restaurant I got the playlist Because you know all the music You know everything So.
So don't tell me that you don't know. I wish I had Jesse's girl! Bobby Lee steps out with an unknown female on a rainy night in LA.
Doesn't bother opening the door for her to his dented Audi A5. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.
Bobby, Bobby. Is that your dented Audi? Shut up.
That's awesome, dude. That's so cool to get paparazzi'd like that.
So here's, I want to start off the show by saying, I want to apologize to the people, the women that have been in Miss America pageants. And then they, you know, they get asked that question when they're in their bathing suit or whatever and what i realize is this those pageant questions are difficult let's hear no one can answer so i want to do a thing to see if we can answer if we were a miss america good here here are the categories no what do you mean there's there's categories yeah and like yeah Yeah.
Yeah. No, but you know how they, so give me, so I'm Miss Korea.
You wish.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're miss north korea i can be north korea you sure could all right you know so i'm i'm up there in my bathing suit and who's the guy who's the mexican dude that does it mexican dude yeah who's the guy that... Mario Lopez.
Oh.

Is that his name?

Yes, Mario Lopez. Mario...

Doesn't he sometimes ask it?

Let's go back to when Trump used to do it, though.

All right, all right.

How did you prepare for this pageant?

How did you prepare?

Miss North Korea, some say best set of tits.

Not that question.

Give me another question,

like more of a worldly question.

Here we go.

What pageant queen did you look up to?

So I'm... Give me the questions.
Zoom in. Yeah, Miss...
Yeah. All right, here we go.
All right, Miss North Korea, what makes you unique? Oh, what made me unique is that... Hold on, hold on.
Stop, stop. You're already done.
That's insane. You lose.
No, I want to do... I want to say...
Very difficult. It's very difficult.
But I want to be as, I don't want to go for comedy. I want to really see if I can answer it as a, as a miss you, miss something.
You don't want to go for comedy? No, I want to see if I, I want to just see if I can be like, if I know. If you don't want to go for comedy, take this bit to that tiger belly show that you're doing.
Go ahead now.

All right.

I'm just kidding.

I miss Korea.

Go ahead.

Jesus.

Okay.

Hello, hello.

Okay, that one's good.

That one's good.

That one I like.

All right.

Miss North Korea.

Yeah, yeah.

If I gave you $1,000, what would you do with it?

Oh, for me, what I would do is I would save some for future.

I would buy my parents

a meal.

I would probably invest for my

family, but then also give.

Give to the community and give them

food.

Very good.

Not really.

All right.

Let me ask you now.

Go ahead.

Who are you, Miss Ireland?

Sure.

You hate this bit.

No, I love it.

All right.

I am Miss Ireland.

All right, right.

No, I really like it.

But I...

Yo, I'm Mario Lopez.

That's...

Okay.

I don't know how to do an impression.

No, that sounds like him.

Yeah, what's up?

What's up?

Mario Lopez here.

What's up?

So Miss Ireland. Are you doing George Lopez or Mario Lopez? Which one are you doing? I'm doing a combination.
Okay. All the Lopez.
All right, Miss Ireland. All right.
Go on then for the judges. Yo, so Miss Ireland.
Hi. If I have an imaginary box in front of me, what's inside of it? Well, it's up to your imagination, isn't it? I mean, if you had an imaginary box in front of you, what would I hope is inside of it? Yes.
World peace. Wow, that's so good.
I'm hoping you would open the box and world peace would break out. That's so good.
All over the world. Stop the wars.
Give back the hostages. Okay, what are you? I thought you were going to say a pot of gold.
Oh, bye. I'll be Miss Phoenix.
Yeah, Miss Phoenix. All right.
I like how you guys were countries, but I'll just be a... Phoenix is kind of its own country.
Yeah, that's true. All right, Miss Phoenix, put the mic up close.
It keeps falling down. We'll tighten it up.
Who is sitting in this chair, by the way? It's really stretched out. The goop.
Miss Arizona, hi. Yo, Mario Lopez here.
What's up? What's up? And we got Trump here too, man. Hello, Miss Arizona.
One of my favorite places to golf and get hookers. Yeah, if I let me ask you a question.
If I looked at your social media what would i notice first hi um i i think my social media you would see me helping a lot of children um getting off the heat they're boiling out there on the sidewalks just boiling children and i go out there and i um scoop them up and i have a really air-conditioned basement that, wait, can I start over? I shouldn't have told you about the basement. I give a lot back to the homeless.
When I look at your social media, Miss Arizona, I look for your tit pics. There's a lot of those.
When your boobies are out. Okay, here you go.
Miss North Korea. Yes.
Hi. This one Hello, hello.
Do you support Medicare for all? See, this is where it gets hard. Yeah.
These are the questions that fuck you up. Oh, totally.
Do I support... You repeat the question always to kill time.
That's smart. Do I support...
What is it again? Miss North Korea, do you support Medicare for all? Well, in North Korea, we don't have a Medicare. We don't even have a care.
We got what we call nothing. So I support Medicare if you care for people.
Medicare less? Medicare less. That's what we have there in North Korea.
But if in United States, I believe that everyone have a right to do to get health care. I think it's a human right.
Okay. Miss Arizona, recently, President Trump has said the United States has an immigration crisis at the southern border.
Do you agree? Why or why not? Yeah. Well, especially since he's here.
I really agree. Answer carefully, bitch.
I really was disappointed when Arizona turned blue. If you elect me as your woman president, I will.
What? Yeah, MAGA. She's a MAGA girl.
But she's not running for president. No.
Miss America's woman president. That's president for women.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, this one's really good. I'm going to ask you now.
Oh, I see. The one I want next.
Okay. Miss Ireland.
Could you be someone in Italy? Could be Italy now. Okay.
Miss Italy. Yes.
Miss Italy. Many Americans believe we should focus on fixing the Earth before traveling into space.
How do you feel about NASA's missions to the moon and Mars?

Well,

to be honest,

I don't give a shit about moon and Mars.

To me,

it's all about on the,

you know,

just to be in Capri

and be on the island

and smoke and drink.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, in Italy,

we don't care about any of this bullshit.

Wow. We want to fuck and eat thank you miss Italy I used to fuck a guy named Mars oh Bruno yeah Bruno yeah you fuck Bruno he come here to perform I let him suck on my titties yeah out on the out on the beach but for the most part I don't care go to earth don Don't come back.
Fuck off. It's okay.
Yeah. You also fucked Dana Moon.
Yes, the comedian. Yeah, the comedian.
Only when she is in the character. Oh, I see.
Yeah. All right, Miss North Korea, finally.
Why do I? Okay, sorry about that. Give me a different country.
Yeah, Miss Japan. Miss Japan.
Hello. What does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be a woman? Oh my God, it means so much.
It means to give life. Being woman is about being nurtured.
It's about warmth. It's about, you know, cattle.
You know cattle? That's what it is. That's a really good answer.
Nurture, warmth, care? Yeah. That's really sweet.
I'm trying to be, you know, there's no comedy there. How often should a woman give head? Yeah, yeah.
She's very nasty. But I'm trying to give answers that's going to win me the competition.
That is good. You would not win, but you'd fare okay.
What do you mean? If I was a hot hot girl i would win with that answer no you wouldn't if i was a hot girl because what does it mean to be a woman so much right it means everything it does mean it's everything yeah power power dude you much power you guys have no not really i don't think i'm using all the power. You know what you're like? You're like Wolverine not using the claws.
Yeah, I agree. You gotta use them.
Yeah, you don't ever use your power. Okay, just give me an example where I can use my women power.
I don't wanna... I mean, you know.
Go ahead. No, I don't know.
I'm not using my full potential. Well, can I just...
I Spoken like a true woman Yeah Okay so maybe I am doing it You know You're doing it perfectly No I would just be like If I was a woman I'll just say How would I use my power Okay Okay I would have an OnlyFans Right And I would just take my vaginal lips Like a bat wing And just be flying like right yeah yeah and i would get a bunch of followers right four or five years yeah yeah anyone can come in open open for open for business yeah and then retire i saw a girl do a video about the house she bought with only fans money it was like

i don't know if it's tiktok or something and it was incredible she's like i'd like to thank 200,000 men all around the world for buying me this house and i was like that's fucking amazing and it was huge it was such a nice big house is that only fans eight no no no uh luxury house to a 21 year OnlyFans model. Is that it?

Welcome to my house.

Oh, yeah.

This is my house tour, where I show you around my humble abode. This is a really long-awaited video.
I've been at my house for seven months. Finally got everything how I was.
I'm such a perfectionist. I literally wasn't going to show you guys without making it perfect.
We are starting on the bottom floor. I've got three floors.
I'm starting inside the house because I'm not going to show you guys outside the house. It's funny that we just talked about the depths of being a woman and then we clicked on this video.
This was the most powerful woman you're telling me? This is the most powerful woman in the world. She's running for president next year.
She might win. You know what? I apologize.
To whom? To Jesse. Why? I'm saying that you're not using your power.
You are using your power. You're doing it in the right way.
I think you were joking, right? I was. I don't think so.
Oh, no. You're being serious? Yeah.
I was kidding. Yeah.
I was obviously kidding. I, kidding.
But I'm just saying, just jokes aside, though, I think that you work so hard, you take so many risks, and you walk through so much bravery, and you do it ethically. Can I ask you something? What? What does walk through bravery mean? I liked it, but I don't know either.
When you walk through bravery, what is that? Well, you have bravery right yeah i see it you know what it is yeah envision it hold on let me yeah i see it right there there it is all right you know what a cartoon brick wall is i mean i kind of it's probably i'm guessing it's it sounds like what it is yeah now think of a cartoon brick bravery wall i got it right I got it. Now imagine just going through it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's what it is. Yeah, yeah.
It took me a second, but I guess. Yeah.
Maybe I said that wrong. No, you didn't.
You're brave, but you also walk through it. Wow.
Is that better? Much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I could be using my pussy way more. Oh, yeah.
I'd be unstoppable. When you see a video like that, how do you feel? Aroused.
The OnlyFans video, girl? Yeah, doing a house tour. I feel like good for that fucking chick for making money off people that wanted to pay to see her.
Me too. And then she bought a house.
Me too, that's good made 9.2 million dollars on only fans and it's our only and it's april wow holy fucking shit yeah coco austin that is uh that's uh i don't know who that is actually mia khalifa the porn star erica mina tana manju jemma mccourt denise McCourt Denise Richard Denise Richards the actress where the fuck is that report from does that say Tokyo News Tuko News same thing I love I get all my news from Tuko News yeah by the way guys forget Fox or CNBC Tuko News is gonna have the plug Iggy Azalea made $9.2 million so far in 2024. That's insane.
Fucking bonkers. That's great.
No, that's insane. Give us some.
How come we're not doing a Bad Friends OnlyFans? I know. How much do you think we can make though? Not a lot.
Yeah, yeah. I'll show my taint.
You do every night anyway. That's free.
Yeah, it's free. I give it away for free.
Yeah. Denise Richards is not naked on her OnlyFans.
There's no fucking way. Is that her? Yeah.
Yeah. Subscribe.
Oh, my God. You have an account.
Yeah, he has an account. Yeah, yeah.
You know he does. Subscribe.
It's free for 30 days. And then after that, forget to cancel, and you'll be charged $35 a month.
Big deal. Get over it.
Can you zoom down to see if there's any like, there we go. So it's her getting her hair done, her in gowns, there's her tushy.
Okay. I'm saving it.
I'm saving it because I got a lot of heat right now. A lot thanks to you guys.
So if I get to like 70 and I don't have any more heat, then I'll release them. I think you should save this.
Save it till marriage.

Save your OnlyFans till marriage. Once you get married, then

open up an OnlyFans. Well, then, yeah, my

husband can film it. That's right.
Yeah.

You got a partner in crime then. I went to the La Jolla

Comedy Store last week and I walked

in and this girl that's working there,

her name is Char. She's a Middle Eastern

comedian. She's from Poway.
She lives

in Poway. Yeah.
And she goes, I'm the one that's

doing... I have your OnlyFans...
Theby lee army fan page and i run it oh that's cool that was so sweet i know it's nice to meet you she was so sweet what were you doing down la joie you just did a pop-in no saturday morning i woke up i was so i went to the um la valencia hotel spent the night there went to the store and then spent the night there to give dan a 40 year cake I saw the photo at his men's meeting 40 year sober anniversary cake shout out Dan he was awesome it was great because it looked like a supermarket cake didn't miss that I'll tell you that you're really gonna fucking piss me off today I'm not in the mood to fucking play right now I mean is one number one do you know how a meetings work no okay so every week and carlos can back me up right you look like a supermarket cake dude you're a fucking piece of fucking piece of shit so this is how it works was it was it it was this is how it works where was it was it ralph's i don't know i didn't even look at the cake it was vons yeah this is how it works john every year they they do like a you know they do a group census consensus not group a group meeting where they nominate people that do like chairs it's always a newcomer and they go who wants the cake commitment some newcomer raises i'll do it so

every week his job is to go to anywhere and buy a cake and bring it to the meeting right i don't know where the fuck it's from but that's not the point of the birthday i see 40 years of sobriety is a huge deal man that's why i thought it would be a better cake what's wrong dude i honestly wow I love it.

Yeah.

They didn't say sober for 40 years for the cake.

Yeah.

Yeah. dude what's wrong dude i honestly wow i love it yeah they didn't say sober for 40 years for the cake yeah yeah yeah but kind of you've been mopping off dude it's the baby i think it's keeping him up and he's getting a little bitter and angry anyway so i went to this men's meeting look at that fuck you look like a by the way.
You look like a stupid fucking highlighter.

Right?

Look on.

He looks like a fucking highlighter.

Look at him.

He wants to be noticed, so.

Right colors.

Yeah.

Look at how loud that outfit is.

It's like he fell out of a time portal from 86.

It's insane.

It's just.

Yeah, can I say something, McCone?

And I'm being honest. Yep.
You don't look good it looks ridiculous when you go outside it's like you look like a fucking nerd no but not the candy the colors of the candy not even a nerd yeah you're not even cool enough to be a nerd you're nerd candy. It's like these are colors that are so unnatural and they don't even look good.
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This was actually like... Here we go.

I wanted a 20 minute explanation.

I wanted to buy this when I was in middle school.

By what?

It's like old Tyler the Creator shit.

But I couldn't afford that back when I was in middle

school or high school. So now I was just

like, you know what? I know it's very

loud, but live that out. Come over over here i want to see your whole outfit god you're such a wiener what a wiener yeah yeah okay that's loud yeah yeah your outfit is screaming right now i gave you that jacket you did great blend in more with the show than you do.
Whoa. It's offensive.
Careful. Go sit back in the booth before you get assaulted.
So he's just, I've been gone for three months, so he just disrespects you like that? A hundred percent. He does it all the time.
It's nonstop. Wow.
I can't believe how things have changed around here. No, no.
No. You don't have an order.
I literally just got so angry. Like, I haven't been that angry.
I'm not kidding. Why are you just internalizing it? Usually I didn't know what to do.
I was like, am I going to am I going to go to prison right now? Dude, he literally crossed the line. He does it all the time.
His tone. If you stabbed him, you wouldn't even see the blood on that outfit.
Wow. Wow.
You know what? I am going to dictate my behavior based on your behavior me not you i know i was looking at you i'm sorry what i do you're the only bright spot in the room that's why i can only look at you jess let's show off your tattoos that's what i really want to see okay show off the tats it's new tats we haven't even talked so i got this one comedy store the comedy store one such a good it's actually so cool it's like fine needle right fine needle i love that and i got this uh mad tv one it's me he got me on his arm yeah and the next two three i'm gonna get is i'm gonna get a bad friends yeah i'm gonna get an arsenal one dope yeah are you gonna get the cannon yeah the cannon yeah and then i'm gonna get a tiger belly one. Dope.
Yeah. Are you going to get the cannon? Yeah, the cannon.
And then I'm going to get a tiger belly. Hmm.
I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah.
And I think that's it. Well, let me say this.
Do you know the name of the Mad TV character? I'd be interested to know. Who knows in this room? Without looking it up, raise your hand.
Hold on. No, no.
Don't say it out loud. Don't say it out loud.
Do you know? I thought I did, but now I can't think. It's a...
It's three... Three...
Three... Well, it's...
It's a... Two words and a...
A-E-N. Yeah.
Yeah. Do you know it, McCone? You do? Alfred E.
Newman. Alfred E.
Newman. Alfred E.
Newman. Do you know the history behind Alfred E.
Newman? I mean, like, I know, like, the Mad Magazine, and he was originally, like, a one-off character character and then quickly into the mag is like 10 or so years into the initial run of the magazine it became like the forefront and they put him up for president every year until the elections got too ridiculous do you know why the name Alfred E Newman do you know why the name I don't even know do you guys know look it up I feel like you don't know yeah you're like I don't know either just tell us don't look it up don't look it up. Don't look it up.
You tell us. Maybe he doesn't know.
Hey, hey, hey, no. Don't look it up.
You tell us, you fuck face. I don't like the games you play.
Hey. Yeah.
I don't know. I knew it.
I knew it, dude. I knew it.
Now look it up. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, I caught you, dude. The precise origin.
uh yeah among the earliest images advertised for al almore's mince meat so it was based on someone look at those images they pulled from so dope that one on the right that's me that's you that's 100 me fancy fuck you wait 1908 what yeah08, an Antiquamania tablet calendar.

Wow.

So the character goes back that far, huh?

Well, it's based on, no, it's drawing based on those.

Yeah, me worry, why?

I buy auto parts from James Evans.

Right, so look, that was another ad from 1930 they pulled from.

It's because they used to,

Alfred E. Newman used to have a phrase that said, me worry.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they kind of bit that.

So they stole that from the 50s from another campaign. So he was stolen.
So this is your rockin' Stolen Valor tattoo right now. Yeah.
Stolen Valor. It's kind of crazy.
Yeah, it's crazy. I never asked when I was on the show.
What it was about or what it meant. New Boy, 1894.
Wow. What's the good of anything? Nothing.
I nothing i gotta tell you that looks exactly like me as a kid yeah you're alfred newman dude whoa i wish do the smile that's the guy dude if i had wow if i had if i had a gap in my front teeth it'd be exactly like on me me worry yeah his catchphrase is what me worry it's really funny and they used to say that on a magazine what me worry question mark i liked the back of the magazine where you had the match the thing the folding paper i like that yeah that was very cool that was fun do you remember mad magazine do you ever have it it was like as a little girl too much yeah yeah it was yeah it was too what i don't know i never got into it as a little girl. The name Alfred E.
Newman derived from the comedian Henry Morgan's Here's Morgan radio series on Mutual ABC and NBC. Character had this whole thing you guys said when I did the podcast.
What do you want to get my tattoo. I'm sad you went without me.

We had this whole thing you guys said when I did the podcast.

If we get you to 100,000 followers,

we're all getting tattoos.

And then you guys backed out immediately.

You have 100,000 followers now? Way over.

Way over.

And Vegas, I was trying to get you.

Because of you.

You created a monster, man.

Well, when you get to a million, we'll get tattoos.

Yeah. Don't believe you.
No, that one, I promise. You know when I was man.
Well, when you get to a million, we'll get tattoos. Yeah.

Don't believe you.

No, that one, I promise.

You know when I was proud of you, though?

When?

Last week.

You had to follow.

It was hard hitters.

It was Thursday night.

That was hard.

It was me.

Roy Wood Jr.

Roy Wood Jr.

Whoa.

I fucking love that guy.

Yeah, I love him.

So funny.

He's so funny.

And then Attell did a pop in.

Yeah, right before I went on.

Thank you. I fucking love that guy Yeah I love him He's so funny And then Attell did a pop in Yeah right before I went on So then you went up and I watched maybe three minutes of your set And you were fighting It was incredible But you won you beat him I held my own It was tough He called me he goes how was your set i go longest 15 minutes of my life it's good i like those nights yeah we all need those nights but anyway um i was proud of you thanks bobby that means the world to me i think you need those 15 minutes i think you need those nights like when i first got passed i remember those nights they were tough i hated doing them sometimes because you were just, you're trudging through the mud.

Sometimes you think, man, but then when it finally starts to flip consistently, something happens. I always say it reminds me of like learning to ski or snowboard.
It's like oddly impossible when you first start doing it. You're like, why am I falling? Like I know how to not fall.
What the fuck am I doing? and and then something flips something weird flips where you gain so much confidence in learning how to how to be on your edges that you're like oh that's okay I'm not gonna fall it doesn't matter the same point about ice skating because what what I don't know why that made me laugh he was a champion ice skater don't do that no that. No, no.
But I was on the, you know, I was been on a bunch of ice hockey teams. Triple axol.
Oh, a triple axol. That was your name on the ice.
First of all, Korean. Triple axol.
Yeah, but Koreans rip it in the Olympics with ice skating. With what event? Not the speed skating.
Remember that Korean girl that won the gold? The Korean lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, her.
Look at how emotional she is. I love watching ice skating.
Look at that face. Damn, no more ice.
That's what that face is. That's just her face.
Oh, that is. That's when it's just cold in there.
Yeah. Too shivering.
Yeah, she's freezing, the poor girl. But can I go back to my life?

I hadn't ice skated in like 25 years.

And once I hit the rink, I just knew how to do it.

Oh, yeah, right.

Once you learn it, it's just in your, like riding a bike.

It's just ingrained into your thing. But like, you know, when you're learning something new,

especially at my age now, it's just, yeah, fuck it.

I'd like to say it's also like riding a bicycle.

Because I rode a bicycle for a long time, and I took a lot of time i just said it what's going on you know what's kind of like with stand-up it's kind of like riding a bike kind of a bmx bike it's kind of like riding a bmx bike with pegs yeah except you're sitting down yeah of course you're not standing up it's crazy i have no idea what's going on i had a didn't know what else was going on. I had a great time in Houston.

Shout out to Houston. Had a great time down there.

Houston. And then they took me to one of the local stand-up spots.

And boy, oh boy.

Houston knows how to get down.

What do you mean?

They have the strip of cars where people

just show off their cars and shit.

And they were bumping with LED lights

underneath. One dude had his trunk open

and I'm not kidding.

He had a fucking-

Let me guess.

Huh?

He had a bunch of families in there.

Yeah, he was taking-

Am I wrong?

No, he was taking them to-

He ate sweet potatoes.

Taking rice, yeah.

He's selling sweet potatoes.

Sweet potatoes, yeah.

Okay, what else?

But look at it, just like that.

So the dude had in the back of his trunk,

I'm not kidding, I'm not,

it said pull me over. I'm not kidding.
Pull me over cops yeah and by the way in the back look in the back so some of them have speakers this guy had a fucking diorama of like the city of houston he had like the cityscape in the back of his trunk wow but it said pull me over and i thought i was asking the local comics i was like so these guys just ride around like this they don't get in trouble at all he's like nah the cops the cops know that they might have guns too so they don't even want to pull them over i was like that's so funny that's in la they'd get pulled over in seconds yeah you know it's illegal to cruise on sunset do you know that they just reinstated it again oh wow okay no but do you remember back in the day do you just brought me back dude back in the day at the store When I was young There was cruising There was people with those kind of cars A bunch of chicks You know what I mean Players Yo what's up Players Yeah players I got it yeah yeah Is that player Bobby Doogie doogie I don't know if that's a word Yeah, doogie doogie. Yeah, playas.
Yeah. I got it.
Yeah, yeah. Is that playa, Bobby? What's up, doogie doogie? Doogie doogie.
Yeah, what's up? I don't know if that's a word. Yeah, doogie doogie.
But yeah, rise. You gotta rise.
Gotta rise up. You rise up, dude, and take your chance.
But you're not allowed to cruise anymore on sunset. It's crazy.
There's no more cruising. If they...
Sorry. How do they know if you're...
If they see you pass by the same point... You don't know the difference between regular riding and cruising? Well, if I got pulled over for cruising, I'd be like, I just missed my turn.
Yeah, but then you're not cruising. Yeah, you're not.
You know when you're cruising when you're cruising. You sound like a cop.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Pull over. Let me see your license and registration.
Oh, okay. You know that you're cruising when you're cruising.
No, I'm driving. No, you're cruising.
You're definitely cruising, young lady. Give me your license right now.
I will comply, officer, but I'm just driving to work. I'm his new partner.
We see you cruising around here and you're bubbly cocking, piggly popping out to all your friends. You're going to prison.
My last accent wasn't real. This is my guy now.

Can I see your badges?

Yeah.

So.

Yeah, bar off. You know the difference between cruising and riding?

No.

Cruising is like this, dog.

No.

I'll tell you about it.

Cruise it, baby.

Yeah, I'll cruise.

You want me to cruise?

Hey, bro.

I'm cruising.

No.

Dude, the lower they get.

Hey, hey,

what do you want?

I'm cruising.

What's up, bro?

And then, yeah.

That's when you get pulled over. When you get too low, they can't see you.
Yeah, dude. No cruising.
Two times past the same point within six hours. That's insane.
That's way too specific. Yeah, because what if you went and got food and came back? We can't do that.
That's cruising. These balls are out of control.
You got to go around, man. You have to learn to cruise, dude.
Can we cruise? can we cruise yeah we yeah we cruise dude we gotta get the right car but we can cruise let's cruise in ontario yeah oh well the cruising zone ends is really nice cruising is also another word in the gay community cruising when you're what is it tell me you're going fishing for dick carlos knows in parks yeah cruising cruising for sex there it is wikipedia's got it Even the wiki knows. Let me ask you something.
If I'm in a park late at night, it's not known for cruising, but can I find cruising? My guess would be every park late at night is known for cruising. There's a section of cruising.
There's got to be cruising everywhere. Right.
Is there a noise you make? When you're cruising? Carlos knows. When you're dick cruising, is there a noise you make carlos do the noise when you're dick cruising in a park yeah you just you like walk up to like a tree with like a bush around it and you just go oh you clear your throat yeah you need the throat to be clear oh oh that's where that song comes from let me clear my throat someone give me a big black dick someone give me that big black dick by the way I used to live I used to live across the street from the Circus of Books and they called that Vaseline Alley back in the day Vaseline Alley that was number one for cruising because hold on across the street from Circus of Books, yeah.
That was number one for cruising.

That's a great cruising spot. Because hold on.

Across the street from Circus of Books used to be a bar that was called the Gold.

Come on.

The Gold Punch.

What is it, Carlos?

You know.

Room.

No, but it was the main club in front of Vaseline Alley.

And sometimes I would walk down that street to get to the improv. Ooh.
What, baby? I don't know. Gold Coast.
Gold Coast. Yeah.
What about this place? On Santa Monica Boulevard. The amount of times I've seen guys getting their dick sucked in that alley walking home from the improv at night, I'm not kidding.
Uncountable. Do you ever see Carlos on Santa Monica Boulevard? The Starbucks, that one? That's a cruising spot? 633.
Whoa. We got to go there.
But at Santa Monica Boulevard, right by the store, about Santa Monica Boulevard, right? There was a French place. Oh.
Do you know what I'm talking about? The one next to 7-Eleven. Yeah, it's like a French place.
I never knew what was there. It wasn't a restaurant.
Holloway and La Cienega. Yeah, but what was that place? What do you mean? It's still there.
I used to eat brunch there. Don Barris goes there all the time.
Oh, that's food? It's a great food. Oh, I thought it was a fucking cruising spot.
Well, we could turn it into one. Yeah.
Let's go back. My bad.
I like that this was called Gay Bucks. That Starbucks was Gay Bucks.
Yeah, Gay Bucks. Okay, give me number three.
It's also the currency they accepted. Really? 24-hour fitness.
That is so obvious. The one on Santa Monica.
I mean, when you drive on Santa Monica, you can look up and see people getting their cock sucked on the treadmill. Home Depot.
That's impressive. If you want Mexicans.
Walking on their knees. Hey, have you cruising over here, man? Runyon Canyon.
You want me to fix something? Yeah. Are you cruising? Runyon.
Oh, wow. I go there all the time.
Never seen it. That's also true.
You do go there to cruise. Target.
What Target? For sure. The one on Santa Monica in La Brea.
Oh, Studs Theater. That was the porno.
It's gone. Rest in peace, Studs.
They closed it down. Yeah.
You know, I used to lie to people when they came into town and took them past. There used to be a bar over there called Lubitsch, a Russian bar, and Studs is right down the street from it.
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Buzz Balls LLC, Carrollton, Texas. Going there, if we parked and walked, I'd always be like, you know, that's the theater where they call Pee Wee Herman.
Everybody believed it. It was in Florida or some shit like that, but everyone was like, that's the one.
So it got passed around. That's where we met, by the way, Bart Lubitsch.
You and me? Yeah. At the show in the back? Whoa.
That was the first time I met you? You, me, and Brent Weinbach. I love Weinbach.
He's so funny. He's so funny.
He's really funny. Wait, me, you, Brent Weinbach? I don't know.
Maybe TJ Miller. Yeah, Miller.
That sounded familiar. The Pavilions.
Which one? Robertson. Yeah, the Robertson.
Wow. Yeah, that makes sense.
Vaseline Alley. There it is.
Dude, you know Vaseline Alley. Told you, bro.
Told you. I had a membership for a couple months, but if you're not sucking enough, they kick you out.
The Troll Coast instead of gold coast. And the mold coast, primarily to its aging clientele.
The mold coast. Can I ask the etiquette of cruising though, may I? So you must know, Carlos.
I'm in Vaseline Alley, right? Let's suppose I'm walking down Vaseline Alley. Well, you're kind of sliding down.
I'm sliding. Yeah, you I'm sliding right and do what what do I do do I look at a guy and go huh no I imagine you could just be very do you just pull it out like I don't know what you do I don't know hello I think you have to be coy Vaseline Alley not a stand-up set oh you just pull it out like that.
You just clear your throat. This dude is...
Honestly, let's get... This is what...
I know what this is. Why is it? It's a resentment he has.
Why? I don't know why. That's why I want to get to the root of it because there's a resentment that he has and it's coming out in this way.
Yeah. Right? Like it's an anger.
So I want to get to the root of it because this is going to start a war yeah this is you know i agree yeah this is end game here so um what is the anger on my birthday you chose everybody but me as your i i was your last favorite people basically yeah i also said though that it's a hard choice yeah I said it was really hard yeah that makes up I also said it was a hard choice yeah it's true okay I was like yeah they ran away with it there was definitely some like you know I was weighing the fucking in my head. But you know what? I think the truth be told, I probably love you more than I love McCollum.
Okay. I think goodbye.
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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. How have the shows been on the road, Jess? Great.
I headlined 13 shows this year already. Right.
Lucky 13. Wonderful.
And then all your spots. It's been cool seeing people show up and I got that Netflix thing in May 11th.
Only a few tickets left too. It's in May.
It's already almost sold out. Netflix is a joke.
That's the name of it. Oh, sorry.
Where are you performing? The Belly Room. It's your own show? My own show.
It's already almost sold out. Can they add another one? I don't know.
Can we open? I thought about it. I thought about doing all the people I've opened for me.
Yeah, that's actually a good idea. Yeah, why can we open for you? Why can we open? No, I didn't think you would be interested.
Well, I mean, we didn't get asked. I barely hear from you guys these days.
Well, you're too famous. You're fucking bigger than us.
I did get invited to Soho House. Whoa.
Which one? The one in Hollywood? I think so. West Hollywood, I mean? I think so.
Beverly Hills. Yeah.
And what was the circumstances? Met them at the comedy store. They were like, gave me their emails and they said, anytime you want to go, just let us know.
Was it representatives of Soho House? Yeah. Oh, nice.
Carlos, do you belong? To Soho House? Yeah. No.
You belong, belong right carlos can you get me in yeah they let him belong to it oh yeah yeah i think yeah but you know how much it would hurt if i got denied oh my god you wouldn't get denied what are you talking about you just walk up i've not look dude i've never been a member i've been in there fucking 300 times me too i just walk in yeah they don't say anything what time close Soho House? I don't know. One, two-ish.
They don't say anything. They don't care.
If you're there, they know you. You can do drugs there.
It's fine. But I'm saying if you know how to get into the park there to get to the door, they assume you know what you're doing.
I'll get you in. Whoa.
Whoa, dude. Why haven't you joined? Soho House? Yeah.
I live in the fucking Valley. Me too.
Well, I don't want to go. It's in Beverly Hills.
I don't go down there. Do they have one in the Valley? No, of course not.
Oh, damn. Yeah, no, they do have one in the Valley, actually.
Really? They do have a secret Soho House. Where is it? They do have a secret Soho House.
Where is it? I don't know if I should tell you. All right.
Are you allowed to know? Tim Dillon's house? Yeah, that's the other Soho. Yeah, yeah.
That's a Soho house. Any interest of dating anybody? Oh, what's going on in the dating scene? I really want to be in a relationship, but I feel like I have no time to explore that.
Like, I do single different than Bobby. I don't know.
You guys probably do it kind of the same. But you're not doing...
You jump on Raya, fly someone in, pay thousands of dollars to host them. You do that, don't you? Yeah, it's kind of the same but you're not doing you jump on Raya fly someone in pay thousands of dollars

to host them don't you

yeah it's not sexy when you're doing that for a man

oh right

it doesn't work the other way does it

not for me

I don't do that

well let's bring up the Hollywood curtain again

and see

what do you mean

is that a bad

is that a bad

that's not an insult

I'm going to show a... Not an insult.
Do you get on Raya and fly girls in from other places? Yeah. It's not even invasive.
It's like a fucking common knowledge. I have.
I have before. I don out there.
Okay, dude. What is going on with Bob? Cut it out.
Go ahead, cut it out. No, keep it in.
No, it's fine. I just don't.
I think that's not like an offensive or a mean or rude thing. No, I think it's awesome and hot.
If I were the girl, I'd be like, that's awesome. I need to find a guy.
I've done it a couple times in my lifetime. Let's just say that.
And I'm asking you, because when you were up on stage Thursday night, up there. There was two dudes with hard-ons on in the back.
And I was sitting in the booth in the back. And behind me, you know who was watching you with loving in his eyes? Oh, he told me.
Wait, who? My ex. Oh, this is sad.
No, I looked around. I looked at him.
And he looked at him I swear to god This is what his face was Yeah that's Karma coming at you It's not karma karma Karma karma karma I wanted that to happen No it's okay We'll clean it later You know why he was Looking like that? He was doing this His arms stretched out like this On the thing right? You're on stage that way And he was doing this. You know why, right? Why? He's a huge Dave Attell fan.
He was not on stage. No, he came running into the room because they said Dave Attell was there.
He's fine. Compliment him while he's doing it.
I like that. We're all quiet.
Anyway. No, but so seriously, you're not on the apps or none of that shit? No, I don't know how to find somebody because I work a lot.
Like, I went to a party, but it was like a work party. So that was the first time I went out outside of a work environment and so long.
So I'm just not- Oh, fuck! Sunday at the Andes? Yeah. I was invited.
was invited i forgot about it what was there that's crazy you know about the party i didn't think you would go to that employee party it was a birthday party it was like 10 people at birth wellington yeah she turned 40 yeah yeah it was a it was a great party everybody dressed up i dressed up as debbie harry oh that's cool everyone thought i was taylor swift and there was no guy there that you went no because i work with all of them and yeah i'm not doing that when you're on the road so when i'm on the road there's been a couple guys in like the meet and greet that'll be like can i take you out for a drink but it feels weird because i've just it's like they know about me but i don't know anything about them i mean that's how it works that is how it works is it though because like now i'm but I don't know anything about them. I mean, that's how it works.

That is how it works.

Is it though?

Because now I don't know these people.

I know, but when you become more known, that's part of it.

It just feels weird they know more about me than I know about them. You know what you do?

It's an old trick in the book.

You may not know.

You ask questions.

You get to know them.

What do you do?

You're like teaching an autistic kid to have a date. It feels so awkward.
Ask questions, buddy. You ask questions, buddy.
That's how you learn. Yeah.
And also, can I just say this? It's not wrong to get some side dick. Yeah, but also, okay, that's a good point.
I feel a lot of pressure to go on a date. Right? That's in a book somewhere.
That is in some book. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe in that Cruising 101 Vaseline Alley book. Is there pressure? Because if I go on a date, they're going to want to have sex, but maybe I don't want to have sex.
Lay that out forward. Go, look, I'm not interested in sleeping with someone, but I am down to hang out with you.
Just say that up top. Abso-fucking-lutely.
But even if you did like the guy, right? You have a couple of drinky drinks, right? And you're like, yeah, I want to make out with this guy. There's nothing wrong with that and you're also still not obligated to do shit yeah you just tell him look i'm not going to sleep with you i wish you guys could come with me we will let's do it yeah just over your shoulder we're like she's not gonna fuck you man people don't realize i was in that relationship for five years and i've just been working my ass up like in stand-up like head to the ground like hust hustling.
So I have so out of touch. Yeah, but you deserve to enjoy that stuff too.
You deserve to get... It doesn't have to mean anything.
It can just be fun. Yeah.
That's what my therapist says. Yeah, you're allowed to have fun.
You're allowed to have fun in life. Maybe I'll do the app.
The app sounds scary. Like I'll just meet up with somebody in a random place.
Fastly and Ali? Carlos does that all the time yeah you can meet them at a police station or a fire house that sounds so lame good advice also you know what with someone like you right you you could be in the power position i don't want to be that but wait go on go on go on go and you you could have a guy that you're attracted to who's a great guy, great ethics, value, morals, great job, all the things, but likes to follow in your footsteps and doesn't need to be the center of attention and you're that person. He could be supportive of you and then you get great dick on the side.
Yeah, I kind of want someone like, I watched Goodfellas recently. Oh.
Yeah, I want like a mafia guy who has connections. And like, I want a powerful man in my relationship.
You want a guy that owns a sandwich shop in New Jersey, huh? Yeah. Carmine.
I don't want to date a pussy, you know? What are you talking about? That's not talking about. Yeah, what are you talking about?

Hey, forget about it.

Hey, forget about this lady over here.

That's what he says.

Stop.

So anyway, you're allowed to have fun. That's what he comes too fast.

Forget about it.

Forget about it.

Hey, forget about it.

It's $100.

Take a walk.

Go shopping.

Hey, go shower, bitch.

Don't tell anybody I came too fast. Insecure gangster.
Don't tell anybody that I pre-came. Can we get what you're looking for here? Can we check off the list? What are you looking for here? I want somebody not in comedy, but- You hear what she just said? What? Doesn't want a Jewish person.
That's what she just said yeah none of us are jew racist racist racist all right you don't want a jewish person none of us are jew um no but somebody far as you know who makes as much money as me or more jew yeah so now you want a jew maybe i do maybe i don't i don't know you'd mix it gives her she said as much money as her or more yeah right so like half So like half Jewish. Yeah.
Okay. Like dad's Jewish, mom's not.
Yeah. Right.
Not a real Jew. What else? That they're like, they can fight.
Why do you make that face? That's a good quality to have. I don't know why you need that.
Yeah, I want to feel protected. Yeah, but what if they just have a gun? Yeah, what if I have mace? I don't want to go on a date in this.
What if I have the rape whistle? It's so funny that I said gun, he said mace. Oh.
Why? That's just such an extreme difference. I know, but you want to murder.
I just want to like deter. I don't want to murder.
Shoot him in the knees. You know like Jake Gyllenhaal in Southpaw? Yeah.
In what? Southpaw. Can I get that? Yeah, you can't.
No chance. You can't get that.
My standards are too high. No.
That's a really, because he is, that's like top of the line, Jake Gyllenhaal. He's so.
Look at the guy. Roadhouse.
Roadhouse. Jesus fucking Christ.
He's great in that. That's all I want.
Yeah, that's. You're not going to get that.
Simple pimple stuff. Yeah, you're not going to get that.
Roadhouse you want Yeah of course And you know what you're gonna get He's not interested You know what you're really gonna get You're gonna get Stavros Yeah Yeah He can fight That's it He can fight though He can fight And he's got a Yeah Lux mafia Yeah Not Italian It's like the roadhouse photo But but stretched out a little bit. Yeah.
Like panoramic, panoramic Roadhouse. Maybe if I squint my eyes.
Yeah. Like if a skinny guy got a tattoo of Jake Gyllenhaal and then he got fat, that would be the tattoo.
That'd be the tattoo. Yeah.
So you're looking for a guy that can fight, a guy that has more money or as much money as you. Yeah.
Right? I don't want to be like the power of dynamic. I don't like to be the more.
You don't want to pay for someone else. You want someone to pay for you.
Yeah. What if I'm a guy that says.
An independent person. What if I'm a guy that says, yo, fuck Art.
This is one of the cruising guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, fuck Basquiat, man.
I fucking hate Art. Is that a problem? Well, no.
Okay. Because then I could do my own thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I hate food. What do you eat? Oh, I met this guy.
Yeah, you know this guy. You know this guy.
I hate this. I've never heard Bobby say that.
No, no, no. Not me.
I love my body. I love food.
But I hate food. Like, you know, I got to eat.
Bullshit. You know who did say that the other day? Who? Mark Smalls.
He hates the art of eating. Yeah, look at him.
Malnutrition. I know.
I don't trust that at all. Yeah, I don't trust him.
He doesn't hate food.

He doesn't eat.

Just plays Warzone all day.

Yeah, he thinks it's a waste of time.

You can only say that.

It's a first world country problem.

I hate food.

A guy that doesn't like food eats it because he has to survive,

but doesn't like flavors or great restaurants.

What about a guy that never wants to go out to eat, ever?

Only does home-cooked meals.

Refuses to go out.

That's weird.

Okay. What if he's got a nice pipe and he knows how to fight? And he makes a lot of money.
We'll eat at home. No.
What about one of those fools that do meal preps? So I know people that go, yeah, I buy a bunch of chicken, a bunch of rice, and I just cook it at one time. And they save it.
And this is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, friday saturday does that guy bother you if i wanted that i'd be a lesbian and just get a housewife okay okay so that's you guys are asking me about dating like how you would want a woman no no no no no we're just saying like what would be the flaw that you'd be okay with that's weird like that like it's a little strange but it's not that big of a deal i wouldn't it wouldn't be like i would end the date immediately if he's like i loved a meal what if it what if he was what if he was really handsome and cool but he also but he smoked crack but he made a lot of fucking money and yeah yeah yeah yeah and he had a nice dick but he smoked rocks yeah he's not an addict yeah right okay okay he just casually yeah yeah he's a casual no there could be a guy you think there's a casual casual casual i only do it on weekends and i only do it with my friends yeah okay so on saturdays i never smoke alone yeah exactly saturdays right him and his buddies they'll watch a game. Smoke crack.
Smoke crack together. Yeah.
But Monday through Friday, I mean, just during the days, he goes to his fucking, he works at, you know. An insurance company.
Exactly. Yeah, he's an insurance broker.
He works for Allstate. Well, I've always wanted to try crack, so.
Okay. Hell yeah.
Have you never tried it? No. Have you tried it? Well, I don't think so have i tried crack no man that's not an insane question man most people haven't tried crack i've smoked cocaine that's that's close that's close that's pretty close it didn't look like crack and it was like 80 give me the percentages of americans that crack.
How would they even find them all to do the second census? Crack statistics. How come I couldn't be on this survey? Who uses crack cocaine? Okay, that's not bad.
That's a statistic. No crack.
I'm trying to be funny, but I would not want a crack user okay

so is that 97% of crack users are American

God is good

God is good

because we know what's good is

yeah those are the fucking losers

they don't know what it is

imagine if you introduce crack to like Japan

how much

it's like the cleanest place on earth

yeah

it's already that way

what would crack do

just more efficient

I mean

Thank you. crack to like Japan? It's like the cleanest place on Earth.
Yeah. It's already that way.
What would crack do? Just more efficient. I mean...
No. Crack doesn't make you...
Crack's not like meth. Yeah, but in Japan it would be.
Oh, in Japan it would be. No, Japanese people on meth.
What kind of technologies can they make? We could go to the moon and back the same day. They like that, you know, the Avengers Endgame? That little thing that they can go back in the past? They could probably make one of those.
They make that like an hour and a half. An hour and a half.
Give a Japanese guy Adderall. What's that old quote? Give a Japanese guy, teach a Japanese guy how to fish.
He'll eat Adderall? He'll eat Adderall. Build a time machine.
What's that old quote? What are these statistics?

2022 was the highest use of crack?

Yeah, it's like 5.7.

We're back, baby.

There was a dip.

Oh, man.

There was a dip.

Yeah, a dip in COVID.

You couldn't get crack during COVID.

Isn't that funny?

That's why they did it.

Try to stop the drug wars.

They made everyone stay at home. Obama elected less black people smoking crack.
2011. Speaking of dip, I got to bring it up.
We have to stop smoking. You both do.
I've said that twice. Why? We have to do a pact.
You're the one that got me back on the road. That's not fair to say that.
But it's true. It's not true.
It's not fair, but true. We would go on the road, and Bobby would corner me and hit me to give him cigarettes.
No, you would go like this. Before your set, cigarette? No, I wouldn't.
Everyone would go like that. And I'd be like, hey, you know what, I quit.
I went weak. One won't hurt.
You said one won't hurt. So are you genuinely saying on the show right here, right now, that Jet Ski got you back on cigarettes? That say this for a fact.
I can say this for a fact. No.
But I can say that if she wasn't on the road with us, I wouldn't be smoking now. That's why I'm quitting.
I can say that for a fact. He would bully me for cigarettes.
No, dude. Honestly.
Let's be real. That's so insane that you would even say that.
It's true though. I had quit for two years.
It broke my heart to get that. And I'm like, I'm sitting in my dressing room and you would stick your fingers into the door with a cigarette.
She would do that. And go, who do you? I would blow the smoke in your face, but I didn't do that other stuff.
So no, I'm going to die from lung cancer and I hope you would be. You would corner me and be like, you're fired if you don't give me them.
Like it was. Oh my God.
That's so insane that you would even say that. It's true.
It's not true. You fucking bastard.
And then you say, I can handle it. I can handle it.
I'll just have one. Carlos, what do you remember? I think he was with us in Vegas when we were outside.
I remember it. It was concerning that you were smoking because I knew you quit for a while.
But I do know that Jetski wouldn't just like offer you shit that she knew you quit. She was the supplier.
Yeah, but he made her. Did you hear that? That's the greatest thing you've ever said in your life.
She was the supplier. No, it's a power dynamic issue.
It was. It's not a power dynamic.
It was a literal quid pro quo. Supplier.
If you don't give me a cigarette, you don't work anymore. Jesse, the supplier.
Sounds right. It sounds pretty good.
Yeah. Without supply, there's no means.
Correct? That's right. Right? Then I'm quitting, and I really hope you do it with me.
No. I know you won't.
I'm lost in it now. I know.
At two years. The mortality of lung cancer are highest in Asia compared with Europe and USA with the incidence and mortality rates being 34.4 and 28.1 per 100,000 respectively in East Asia.

Asians be smoking.

Asians be smoking.

I really, really tried to hide it from you and not give you them, just so you know.

And I don't want to quit, but I know I have to.

What does that mean that we get it more?

You get it at a higher ratio per 100,000 people, lung cancer, because many people in Asia smoke. I feel like it's normalized.
Where America has flipped the last decade and made it the opposite. They've tried to denormalize smoking.
That's why they took it out of restaurants and around the world. Tobacco products smoking vary in each country among different demographic groups.
The countries with the highest prevalence of daily smokers are kirbati naru and papua new guinea where 35 or more of the population smoke may i ask a philosophical question yeah how's today's podcast going i've had a really good time me too i like you know it's just good to be back with the gang this is the the gang, right? And when I was in Houston alone, I felt a little sad.

I knew you would.

I missed the gang a little bit.

I knew you would.

You know what's so funny about the road at night?

Same thing that we had.

I brought Mike Falzone down there.

You know Falzone.

And it was great.

We were writing together and stuff.

And like, you're writing and you're working.

And I'm working on this hour.

And then at night in the hotel, it is, there are those moments when I'm like staring at the stuff and going over all the shit and re-listening to the shows that you, I think that's the hardest part that people don't know. Performing, all that stuff, most fun.
Hardest part is like tinkering, retooling. It's almost like when you build a paper airplane when you're a kid and the first one's fucking dog shit and then somebody teaches you how to do like the other flap and you're like, whoa, how do you do that? And then you keep doing it until you, then you start to really figure it out.
But sometimes the tinkering is, that's the hardest shit. Yeah.
Especially when you feel like it's not, you're like, why the fuck isn't that flying? I don't even understand. I can sell something if I know it's going to work.
Right. But when I'm iffy about it, the confidence is like 50% less.

I say it, not meekly, but I say it in a, not in the way I would normally deliver something.

Well, yeah, the audiences have gotten smart.

They know that you're not all the way in, so they can feel it when you say something.

But also the wording, sometimes like, oh my, I think I fucked up the wording.

Once I know something works, I know the beats and all that stuff, but sometimes I'll see the setup of it and I'll go, oh, that was completely wrong. Right, I feel it.
You know what I mean? And now when I do the funny part, it's just going to not make sense or, you know what I mean? I hate it. But that's the tooling that's kind of the most fun.
What is this? Thailand passes bill to legalize same-sex marriage. Finally.
Wait a minute. It was illegal in Thailand? Isn't that the spot to go get Thai boys and all have that crazy deviant fun? Yeah, like in one neighborhood probably.
Wait. Probably.
In Bangkok. They legalize weed before it gets same-sex marriage.
It's the first Southeast Asian nation to guarantee the marriage rights for gay and lesbian girls. That's great.
It's the beginning. Is that now? That just happened now? Yeah.
So ladyboys are chill, but gay marriage is not chill. It's only fun if it's illegal.
Jesus. No, no, let that sink in.
Yeah, we'll put that on your tombstone. It's only fun when it's illegal.
And then as soon as illegal. Your honor, his last words were his, it's only fun

if it's illegal.

Isn't that the point

of that going to Thailand?

Of getting ladyboys?

No,

I think that's a lot of people

that have these repressed feelings

about having sex

with trans women

or men

and don't want to

fucking come clean

about how they feel

so they go there

to be like,

well,

it's a thing here

but they're just afraid

of how they feel.

if they wanted to do it out loud, they'd just do it here. No, but they don well, it's a thing here.
But they're just afraid of how they feel. If they wanted to do it out loud, they just do it here.

No, but they don't.

It's a thing here.

But they're repressed.

So they go there because they feel like that's like a pass.

It's like a pass.

They don't want to do it here because they don't want to.

And I feel like so many people that go over there that get ladyboys, they're married.

I feel like that's married dudes go there to do that.

Yeah.

Because if you're single, you could just do sneak it here. If you're you wanted a lady boy here you could just get one here right Carlos? of course have you been to Bangkok Carlos and done that thing? no I haven't would you go get a lady boy? no I'm not it's like so borderline like sex traffic-y to me that I don't want to go over there get a a lady man.
Yeah, get a lady man. Get a lady man.

Here in LA?

No.

I would do it in LA.

He's like, right now, tonight.

Not a lady boy.

Get a lady man.

I wouldn't go to Thailand.

You're bisexual.

Bobby, and you're not?

Wow.

Interesting.

No, I'm not.

No, it's all on a spectrum, and I think we're on that spectrum right next to each other.

I'm not on a spectrum, man think we're like on that spectrum right next to each other i'm not on the spectrum man is carlos hitting on bobby yeah you guys are i i did say we'd be a good couple i mean i oh no i do but i okay you like my ass your ass is i'm gonna say about your ass probably the best ass i've had men and women Your ass is... Yeah, man, you're not on that spectrum.

You guys are on that spectrum.

I'm driving by.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I'm cruising.

Let me ask.

I'm cruising.

Okay, have you seen his butt?

I mean, just in his pants, yeah.

No, look at the bare ass.

All right, show it. Go stand in the hallway there so i can see it okay i'll judge it's like an optical illusion turn around stay there jesse close your eyes yeah yeah yeah let's see turn this way bend over spread it no don't spread it please don't spread uh uh yeah i mean it's a regular guy's buck if the yeah oh that's good do you like that when he shakes oh my god i love it this is what dan snyder did in that we'll be right back, bad friends.
After these commercials.

And then we just get gacked.

Now you got a regular guy's butt.

I don't know.

It looks like a guy's butt.

I think that's what Bobby likes.

Okay, anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you.