We Go Cruising

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Speaker 1 Hey everybody, Bob Lee here. I normally don't promote dates, but I'm going to be at the Brea Improv May 3rd and May 4th.
Come check it out. Hey, it's Andrew Santino.
I definitely promote dates.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be in Tampa April 26th, 27th. Then I'm going to Phoenix, May 3rd, and 4th when he's in Brea.
Then I'm in Nashville, May 10th and 12th.

Speaker 1 In Dallas, Texas, May 31st. Then I go to San Francisco.
We added shows in Dallas and San Francisco. Go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets.
AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Put the lotion in the basket, Jesse's girl. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I wish I had Jesse's girl.

Speaker 1 Why can't I find a co-host like that?

Speaker 1 Jesse's back.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's back. Ladies and gentlemen, he's back.

Speaker 1 Thank you for having me. I want to talk like this the whole time.
Oh, good. That'll be good for you.
It's a new character I'm working on, guys.

Speaker 1 You'll see the variety of characters I come up with this year.

Speaker 2 It's because you've been having a lot of sex.

Speaker 1 What about this guy?

Speaker 1 I can do that too. I'm not having any sex.
I thought you were. No.
That's crazy. That's crazy talk.
He's having a lot of sex. No, I'm born-again Christian.
Then what's this? Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. What's that? Who was that? Yo, it'd be good.
Brain. Wow.

Speaker 1 The fake paparazzi? Who's that? I don't know who that. I don't know who that person is.
Who's that?

Speaker 1 I have no idea who that is.

Speaker 1 Watch what she does here, though.

Speaker 1 We got Bobby Lee getting into his jet out. I go, so this is what happened.
We go around the car. She's so nervous that I go, what are you doing on this side? Go around.

Speaker 2 She thought you were

Speaker 1 an Uber.

Speaker 1 She was like, what is going on here? Because they're flashing. And then she was like, I can go around.
You should have opened the door for her.

Speaker 1 I don't do that anymore. I should have done.
Why? What do you mean? Because I'm just

Speaker 1 yeah, anyway. So, wait a minute.
What's a Hollywood curtain?

Speaker 1 Where was this? What restaurant? Oh, I'll show you what it's called. I forgot.
It's an Italian restaurant called.

Speaker 2 God, you're so famous.

Speaker 1 I'm not famous. Shut the.
I love you. Giorgio Baldi.
Yeah, Giorgio Baldi. Oh, nice.
Have you been there?

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm not fancy like you do. Shut up.
You're more fancy than me. You're the one that knows all the restaurants in every city that we go to.
You're the one that knows all the...

Speaker 1 You have to do the playlists. Whenever we're in a restaurant, I got the playlist because you know all the music.
You know everything. So don't tell me that you don't know.
I wish I had Jesse's girl.

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee steps out with an unknown female in a ringy night in L.A., doesn't bother opening the door for her. Tis dented Audi A5.

Speaker 1 Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Bobby, Bobby. Is that your dented Audi? Shut up.

Speaker 1 That's awesome, dude. That's so cool to get paparazzi like that.
So here's, I want to start off the show by saying I want to apologize to

Speaker 1 the people,

Speaker 1 the women that have been in Miss America pageants.

Speaker 1 And then they, you know, they get asked that question when they're in their bathing suit or whatever. And what I realize is this.

Speaker 1 Those pageant questions are difficult. Well, that's here.
No one can answer. So I want to do a thing to see if we can answer if we were a Miss America.
Good.

Speaker 1 Here are the categories. No, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 There's categories? Yeah. And the story.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but you know how they so give me. So I'm Miss Korea.
You wish. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're Miss North Korea. I can be North Korea.
You sure could. Yeah, yeah.
All right.

Speaker 1 You know, so I'm up there in my bathing suit. And who's the guy? Who's the Mexican dude that does it? Mexican dude? Yeah, who's the guy that Holly?

Speaker 1 Mario Lopez. Oh, is that his name? Yes, Mario Lopez.

Speaker 1 Doesn't he sometimes ask it? Let's go back to when Trump used to do it, though. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 How did you prepare for this pageant?

Speaker 1 How did you prepare? Miss North Korea, some say best set of tits.

Speaker 1 Not that question. Give me another question, like more of a worldly question.
Here we go. What pageant queen did you look up to?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Miss.

Speaker 1 Give me the questions. Yeah, Miss Niss.
Yeah. All right, here we go.
All right, Miss North Korea, what makes you unique?

Speaker 1 Oh, what makes me unique is that.

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on. Stop stuff for a second.
You're already done.

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 1 No, but I want to do it. I want to say.
It's very difficult. It's very difficult.
But here's it. I want to be as.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go for comedy. I want to really see if I can answer it

Speaker 1 as a

Speaker 1 miss something. You don't want to go for comedy? No,

Speaker 1 I want to just see if I can be like, if I know. If you don't want to go for comedy, take this bit to the tiger belly show that you're doing.

Speaker 1 Go ahead now. All right.

Speaker 1 I miss Korea. Go ahead.
Jesus. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, that one's good. That one's good.
That one I like. All right.
Miss North Korea. Yeah, yeah.
If I gave you $1,000, what would you do with it? Oh, for me, what I would do is I would

Speaker 1 save some for the future.

Speaker 1 I would

Speaker 1 buy my parents a meal.

Speaker 1 I would probably invest for my family, but then also give. Give to the community and give them, you know, food.

Speaker 1 Very good. Is that good? Not really.
Okay. All right.
Let me ask you now. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Who are you, Miss Ireland?

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 You hate this bit. No, I love it.
All right. I am Miss Ireland.
All right, right. No, I really like it.
But

Speaker 1 yo, I'm Mario Lopez. That's

Speaker 1 a present. No, that sounds like him.
Yeah, what's up? What's up? Mario Lopez here. What's up? Oh, so Miss Ireland.
Are you doing George Lopez or Mario Lopez?

Speaker 1 Which one are you doing? I'm doing a combination. Okay, I'm all the Lopez.
All right, Miss Ireland. All right, all right.
Come on, go on then for the judges. Yo, so um, Miss Ireland.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 if I if I have an imaginary box in front of me, what's inside of it?

Speaker 1 Well, it's up to your imagination, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 if you had an imaginary box in front of you,

Speaker 1 what would I hope is inside of it? Yes. World peace.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's so good. I was hoping you would open the box and world peace would break out.
That's so good. All over the world.
Stop the wars. Give back the hostages.

Speaker 1 What are you?

Speaker 1 You miss Phoenix?

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to say a pot of gold.

Speaker 2 I'll be Miss Phoenix.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Miss Phoenix. All right.

Speaker 2 I like how you guys were countries, but

Speaker 1 I'll just be a Phoenix is kind of its own country. Yeah, that's true.
All right, Miss Phoenix. Put the mic up closer.
Push your hands.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it keeps falling down.

Speaker 1 We'll tighten it up.

Speaker 2 Who is sitting in this chair, by the way? It's really stretched out.

Speaker 1 The goop.

Speaker 1 Miss Arizona. Hi.
Yo, Mario Lopez here. What's up? What's up? And we got Trump here, too, man.
Hello, Miss Arizona. One of my favorite places to golf and get hookers.
Yeah. If I,

Speaker 1 let me ask you a question. If I looked at your social media, what would I notice first?

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 I think my social media, you would see me helping a lot of children getting off the heat. They're boiling out there on the sidewalks, just boiling children.

Speaker 2 And I go out there and I scoop them up and I have a really air-conditioned basement that I wait, can I start over?

Speaker 2 I shouldn't have told you about the basement.

Speaker 2 I give a lot back to the homeless.

Speaker 1 When I look at your social media, Miss Harrison, I look for your tit pics. That's what I want.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of those. When your boobies are out.

Speaker 1 Okay, here you go. Okay.
Miss North Korea. Yes.
Hi. This one's so good.
Head all. Head off.
Do you support Medicare for all? See, this is where it gets hard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 These are the questions that fuck you up. Oh, totally.
Do I support.

Speaker 1 You repeat the question always to kill time. That's smart.
Do I support... What is it again?

Speaker 1 Miss North Korea. Do you support Medicare for all?

Speaker 1 Well, in North Korea, we don't have a Medicare. We don't even ever have a care.

Speaker 1 We got what we call nothing. You know, so I support Medicare if you care for people.
Medicare less.

Speaker 1 Medicare less. That's what we have there in North Korea.
But if in the United States, I believe that everyone has a right to do to get health care. I think it's a human right.

Speaker 1 Okay, Miss Arizona, recently President Trump has said the United States has an immigration crisis at the southern border. Do you agree? Why or why not?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, especially since he's here.

Speaker 2 I really agree.

Speaker 1 Answer carefully, bitch.

Speaker 2 I really was disappointed when Arizona turned blue.

Speaker 2 If you elect me as your woman president, I will.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, MAGA. She's a MAGA girl.
She's not running for president. No.

Speaker 2 Miss America's woman president.

Speaker 1 That's president for women. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, this one's really.

Speaker 1 I'm going to ask you now. Oh, I see the one I want next.

Speaker 1 Okay. Miss Ireland.

Speaker 1 Be someone another Italy. Go be Italy now.
Okay, yeah, Miss Italy.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Miss Italy, many Americans believe we should focus on fixing the Earth before traveling into space. How do you feel about NASA's missions to the moon and Mars?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 to be honest, I don't give a shit about Moon and Mars.

Speaker 1 To me,

Speaker 1 it's all about on the, you know, just to be in Capri and be on the island and

Speaker 1 smoke and drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. In Italy, we don't care about any of this bullshit.

Speaker 1 Wow. We want to fuck and eat.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Miss Italy. I used to fuck a guy named Mars.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bruno. Yeah, Bruno.
Yeah, yeah, you fuck Bruno. He came here to perform.
I let him suck on the Metittis

Speaker 1 out on the beach. But for the most part, I don't care.
Go to Earth, don't come back. Fuck off.
It's okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You also fuck Dana Moon. Yes, the comedian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the comedian. Only when she is in a character.
Oh, I see. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, Miss North Korea. Finally.

Speaker 1 Why do I?

Speaker 1 Okay, sorry about that. Give me a different country.
Yeah, Miss Japan.

Speaker 1 Miss Japan. Hello.
What does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be a woman? Oh, my God. It means so much.
It means to give life.

Speaker 1 Being a woman is about being nurture.

Speaker 1 It's about warmth. It's about,

Speaker 1 you know, Canada. You know, Canada?

Speaker 1 That's what it is.

Speaker 1 That's a really good answer. Nurture, warmth, care.
Yeah. That's really sweet.
I'm trying to be, you know, there's no comedy there, but I. How often should a woman give head?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. She's very nasty.
But I'm trying to give answers that's going to win me the competition. That is good.
You would not win, but you'd do good. You'd fare okay.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 If I was a hot girl, I would win. Would that answer? No, you wouldn't.
If I was a hot girl.

Speaker 1 Because what does it mean to be a woman?

Speaker 1 So much. Right.
It means everything. It does mean.
It's everything. Yeah.
Power. Power.
Dude, you much power you guys have?

Speaker 2 No, not really.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm using all the power.

Speaker 1 You don't use it. You know what? You know what you're like?

Speaker 1 You're like Wolverine not using the claws. Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, you got to use them. Yeah, you don't ever use your power.

Speaker 2 Okay, just give me an example where I can use my women power.

Speaker 1 I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. No, I don't know.
I'm not using my full potential.

Speaker 1 Well, can I just

Speaker 1 look like a true woman? Yeah. Okay, so maybe I am doing it.

Speaker 1 No. You're doing it perfectly.

Speaker 1 No, I would just be like, if I was a woman, I'll just say, how would I use my power? Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 I would have an OlyFans, right? And I would just take my vaginal lips like a batwing and just be fly

Speaker 1 like flying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
And I would get a bunch of followers.

Speaker 1 Right. Do four or five years.
Yeah. Yeah.
Anyone can come in.

Speaker 1 Open, open for business. Open for business, yeah, and then retire.
I saw a girl do a video about the house she bought with OnlyFans money.

Speaker 1 It was like, I don't know, if I was TikTok or something, and it was incredible. She's like, I'd like to thank 200,000 men all around the world for buying me this house.

Speaker 1 And I was like, that's fucking amazing. And it was huge.
It was such a nice, big house. Is that OnlyFans 8? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Luxury house tour, 21-year-old OnlyFans model. Is that it? Welcome to my house tour.

Speaker 2 Oh yeah. This is my house tour where I show you around my humble abode.
This is a really long awaited video. I've been at my house for seven months.
Finally got everything how I wanted it.

Speaker 2 I'm such a perfectionist. I literally wasn't going to show you guys without making it perfect.
We are starting on the bottom floor. I've got three floors.

Speaker 2 Deciding inside the house because I'm not gonna show you guys outside my house for private.

Speaker 1 It's funny that we just talked about like the depths of being a woman and then we clicked on this video.

Speaker 2 This is the most powerful woman, you're telling me?

Speaker 1 This is the most powerful woman in the world.

Speaker 1 She's running for president next year. She might win.
You know what? I apologize. To whom? To Jesse.
Why? I'm saying that you're not using your power. You are using your power.

Speaker 1 You're doing it

Speaker 1 in the right way. I think you were joking, right? I was.
I don't think so. Oh, no.
You're being serious? Yeah, well, yeah, I was kidding. Yeah, I was obviously killing, kidding.

Speaker 1 But I'm just saying, just jokes aside, though.

Speaker 1 I think that

Speaker 1 you work so hard, you take so many risks, and you walk through so much bravery, and you do it with ethically and. Can I ask you something? What? What does walk through bravery mean?

Speaker 2 I like that, but I don't know either.

Speaker 1 When you

Speaker 1 walk through bravery,

Speaker 1 what is that? Well, you have bravery, right? Yeah, I see it. You know what it is? Yeah.
Envision it.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Let me.
Yeah, I see it right there. There it is.
All right. You know what a cartoon brick wall is?

Speaker 1 I mean, I kind of, it's probably, I'm guessing it sounds like what it it is. Yeah.
Now think of a cartoon brick bravery wall.

Speaker 1 I got it. Right.
Yeah, I got it. Now imagine just going through it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's bravery.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It took me a second, but I guess.
Yeah. Maybe I said that wrong.
No, you didn't. You're brave.

Speaker 1 But you also walk through it.

Speaker 1 Wow. Is that better? Much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I could be using my pussy way more. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'd be unstoppable.

Speaker 1 Push pussy. When you see a video video like that, how do you feel? Aroused.

Speaker 1 The OnlyFans video, girl?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I feel like good for that fucking chick for making money off people that wanted to pay to see her. And then she bought a house.
You do, that's good. Fucking rad.
Iggy Azalea made $9.2 million

Speaker 1 on OnlyFans, and it's only, and it's April.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. Holy fucking shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Coco Austin, that is, that's, I don't know who that is, actually. Mia Khalifa, the porn star, Erica Mina, Tana Manju, Gemma McCourt, Denise Richards, Denise Richards, the actress?

Speaker 1 Where the fuck is that report from? Does that say Tokyo News? Tucco News. Same thing.
I love it. I get all my news from Tucco News.
Yeah. By the way, guys, forget Fox or CNBC.

Speaker 1 Tucco News is going to have a plug over.

Speaker 1 Iggy Azalea made

Speaker 1 $9.2 million

Speaker 1 so far in 2024. That's

Speaker 1 insane. Fucking bonkers.
That's great. No, that's insane.
Give us some. How come we're not doing a Bad Friends OnlyFans? I know.
How much do you think we can make, though? Not a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll show my taint.

Speaker 2 You do every night anyway. It's free.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's free. I give it away for free.
Yeah. Denise Richards is not naked on her OnlyFans.
There's no fucking way. Is that her? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Subscribe.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he has an account. Yeah, yeah.
You know he does. Subscribe.
It's free for 30 days. And then after that, forget to cancel and you'll be charged $35 a month.
Big deal. Get over it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you zoom down to see if there's any like, there we go. So it's her getting her hair done, her in gowns.
There's her tushi.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm saving it. I'm saving it because I got a lot of heat right now.
A lot of thanks to you guys. So if I get to like 70 and I don't have any more heat, then I'll release them.

Speaker 1 I think you should save this. Save it till marriage.
Save your OnlyFans till marriage. Once you get married, then open up an OnlyFans.

Speaker 2 Well, then, yeah, my husband can film it.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah.
Yeah. You got a partner in crime then.
I went to the La Joy comedy store last week and I walked in and this girl that's working there, her name is Char.

Speaker 1 She's a Middle Eastern comedian. She's from Powwe.
She lives in Poway. Yeah.
And she goes, I'm the one that's, I have your only fan. No, you're the Bobby Lee Army fan page.
And I run it.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool. That was so sweet.
I know. It's nice to meet you.
She was so sweet. What were you doing down in La Jolla? You just did a pop-in? No, Saturday morning, I woke up.

Speaker 1 So I went to the La Valencia Hotel, spent the night there, went to the store and then spent the night there to give Dan a

Speaker 1 40-year cake

Speaker 1 at his men's meeting. 40-year sober anniversary cake.

Speaker 2 Oh, shout out Dan.

Speaker 1 And then it was great because. It looked like a supermarket cake.

Speaker 2 Didn't miss that. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1 You're really going to fucking piss me off today. I'm not in the mood to fucking play right now, dude.

Speaker 1 I mean, what is one? Number one, do you know how AA meetings work? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 so every week and carlos can back me up right you look like a supermarket cake

Speaker 1 dude you're a fucking piece of

Speaker 1 piece of shit so this is how it works was it

Speaker 1 was it it was this this is how it works where was it was it ralph's i don't know i didn't even look at the cake it was von's yeah i this is how it works john every year they they do like a you know they do a group census consensus not group a group meeting where they nominate people that do like chairs

Speaker 1 It's always a newcomer, and they go, who wants the cake commitment? Some newcomer raises, I'll do it. So every week, his job is to go to anywhere and buy a cake and bring it to the meeting, right?

Speaker 1 I don't know where the fuck it's from, but that's not the point of the birthday.

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 1 40 years of sobriety is a huge deal, man. That's why I thought it would be a better cake.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you? Dude, I honor. Dude, wow.
I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They didn't say sober for 40 years for the cake. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but kind of. You've been moping off, dude.

Speaker 1 It's the baby. I think it's keeping him up and that he's getting a little bitter and angry.
Anyway, so I went to this men's meeting. Look at that fuck.
You look like a highlighter, by the way.

Speaker 1 You look like a stupid fucking highlighter.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 He looks like a fucking highlighter. Look at him.
He wants to be noticed, so

Speaker 1 yeah. Look at how loud that outfit is.
It's like he fell out of a time portal from 86.

Speaker 1 It's insane.

Speaker 1 It's just. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I say Celine McCollen? And I'm being honest. Yep.

Speaker 1 You don't look good.

Speaker 1 It looks ridiculous. When you go outside, it's like...

Speaker 1 You look like a fucking nerd. No, but not the candy.
Right. Yeah.
The colors of the candy. Nerd's candy.
The colors of the candy. Yeah, you do.
Not even a nerd. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're not even cool enough to be a nerd. Nerd, yeah, yeah.
You're the nerd candy.

Speaker 1 It's like these are colors that are so unnatural, and they don't don't even look good. I love you, man.
You look good. I love you too, but is that what the kids are doing?

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Speaker 1 Well, wow, that's crazy because I would imagine submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy.

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Speaker 1 For more information, go to forthepeople.com/slash bad friends or dial pound law pound five two nine from your cell phone.

Speaker 1 That's for the people, F-O-R, thepeople.com/slash bad friends or pound law pound529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement.

Speaker 1 This was actually like

Speaker 1 a 20-minute explanation.

Speaker 4 I wanted to buy this when I was in like middle school, but like by what?

Speaker 1 It's like old Tyler the Creator shit.

Speaker 4 But I couldn't afford that back when I was like in middle school or high school. So now it's just like, you know what? I know it's very loud, but you know, live that out.

Speaker 1 It's your whole. Come over here.
I want to see your whole outfit. God, you're such a wiener.
What a wiener.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. That's loud.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Your outfit is screaming right now.

Speaker 1 I gave you that jacket.

Speaker 1 It blends in exactly with the show. Look at where we are.
You did great. I blend in more with the show than you do.
Whoa, it's offensive. Careful.
Go sit back in the booth before you get assaulted.

Speaker 2 So he's just, I've been gone for three months, so he just disrespects you like that.

Speaker 1 100%. He does it all the time.
It's non-stop.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 I can't believe how things have changed around you.

Speaker 1 No, you don't have no way to. I literally just got so angry.

Speaker 1 Like, I haven't been that angry. I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 Why are you just internalizing it? Usually you just.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what to do. I was like,

Speaker 1 am I going to go to prison right now?

Speaker 1 Dude, he literally crossed the line. He does it all the time.
His tone.

Speaker 2 If you stabbed him, you wouldn't even see the blood on that outfit.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. You know what? I am going to dictate my behavior based on your behavior.

Speaker 2 Me?

Speaker 1 Not you. I know I was looking at you.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 What I do.

Speaker 1 You're the only bright spot in the room. That's why I can only look at you, Jess.
Well, let's show off your tattoos. That's what I really want to see.
Okay. Show off the tats.
It's new tats.

Speaker 1 We haven't even talked about it. So I got this one.

Speaker 1 Comedy store. The comedy store one.

Speaker 1 It's actually so cool. It's like fine needle, right? Fine needle.
I love that. And I got this Mad TV one.
It's me. He got me on his arm.
Yeah. And the next two, three I'm going to get

Speaker 1 is I'm going to get a Bad Friends. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get an Arsenal one. Dope.
Yeah. Are you going to get the cannon? Yeah, the cannon.
And then I'm going to get a tiger belly.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that's it. Well, let me say this.
Do you know the name of the Mad TV character? I'd be interested to know. Who knows in this room? Without looking it up, raise your hand.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 No, no, don't say it out loud. Don't say it out loud.
Do you know?

Speaker 2 I thought I did, but now I can't think. It's a

Speaker 1 three. Well, it's

Speaker 1 two words in a-e-n.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know it, McCone? You do? Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman.
Do you know the

Speaker 1 history behind Alfred E. Newman?

Speaker 5 I mean, like, I know, like, the Mad Magazine, and he was originally like a one-off character, and then quickly into the magazine, like 10 or so years into the initial run of the magazine, it became like the forefront, and they put him up for president every year until the elections got too ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Do you know why the name, Alfred E. Newman? Do you know why the name Alfred? I don't even know.

Speaker 1 Do you guys know?

Speaker 1 Look it up.

Speaker 1 I feel like you don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're like, I don't know either.

Speaker 1 Just tell us. Don't look it up.
Don't look it up. You tell us.
Maybe he doesn't know. Hey, hey, hey, no, don't look it up.
You tell us, you fuckface.

Speaker 1 I don't like the games you play. Hey, yeah.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I knew it. I knew it, dude.

Speaker 1 I knew it. Now look it up.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The precise order.

Speaker 1 Among the earliest images advertised for Almore's Mince Meat. So it was based on someone else.
Look at those images they pulled from. So dope.
That one on the right, that's me. That's you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's you.

Speaker 1 That's 100% me fancy fuck you

Speaker 1 wait 1908 what yeah 1908 uh and antiquomania tablet calendar wow so the character goes that back that far well it's based on no it's drawing based on those oh yeah me worry why i buy auto parts from james evans right so look that was another ad from 1930 they pulled from it's because they used to alfred e newman used to have a phrase that said me worry oh right yeah yeah yeah so they kind of bit that so they stole that yeah from the 50s from another Wow.

Speaker 1 So he was stolen.

Speaker 1 So this is your rocking stolen valor tattoo right now. Yeah.
Stolen valor.

Speaker 1 It's kind of crazy. Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 I never asked when I was on the show what it was about or what it meant. Newboy, 1894.
Wow. What's the good of anything? Nothing.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, that looks exactly like me as a kid. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're Alfred E. Newman, dude.
Whoa. I wish.
Do the smile.

Speaker 1 That's the guy, dude. If I had bought,

Speaker 1 If I had a gap in my front teeth, it'd be exactly like me.

Speaker 1 Me worry. Yeah, his catchphrase was, what, me worry? It's really funny.
And they used to say that on the magazine. What? Me worry? Question mark?

Speaker 1 I liked it at the back of the magazine where you had the match, the thing, the folding paper. I like that.
Yeah, that was very cool. That was fun.
Do you remember Mad Magazine? Do you ever have it?

Speaker 2 It was like as a little girl, too much. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was too much. What?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I never got into it as a little girl.

Speaker 1 The name Alfred E. Newman derived from the comedian Henry Morgan's Here's Morgan radio series on mutual ABC and NBC character on the show.

Speaker 1 The name, the reference to the composer Alfred Newman, who scored many films and composed the familiar fanfare that accompanies 20 Century Fox's opening film logo. Wow, the guy that's in

Speaker 1 that's MGM. Oh, sorry, my pet.

Speaker 1 My bad, the lion. No, that's good.
But that was dead on lion, though. That was dead.
That was

Speaker 1 very good.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to get my tattoo. I'm sad you went without me.
We had this whole thing you guys said when I did

Speaker 2 a podcast. If we get you to 100,000 followers, we're all getting tattoos.
And then you guys backed out immediately.

Speaker 1 You have 100,000 followers now? Way over.

Speaker 2 Way over. And Vegas, I was trying to get because of you.
You created a monster, man.

Speaker 1 Well, when you get to a million, we'll get tattoos.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Don't believe you.
No, hold that one, I promise.

Speaker 1 You know when I was proud of you, though? When? Last week. You had to follow.

Speaker 1 It was hard hitters. It was Thursday night.
That was hard. It was me.

Speaker 1 Roy Wood Jr. Roy.

Speaker 1 Whoa. I fucking love that guy.
Yeah, I love him. He's so funny.
He's so funny. And then Attel did a pop-in.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right before I went on.

Speaker 1 Right. So then you went up and I watched maybe three minutes of your set and you were fighting.
Yeah. It was incredible.
But you won. You beat him.

Speaker 2 I held my own. Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 I think you did. It was tough.
It was incredible.

Speaker 2 He called me. He goes, How was your set? I go, longest 15 minutes of my life.

Speaker 1 It's good. I like those nights.
Yeah, yeah. We all need those nights.
But anyway, I was proud of you.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Bobby. That means the world to me.
I think you need those 15 minutes. I think you need those nights.
Like when I first got past, I remember those nights. They were tough.

Speaker 1 I hated doing them sometimes. Because you were just,

Speaker 1 you're trudging through the mud. Sometimes you think, man, but then when it finally starts to flip consistently, something happens.

Speaker 1 I always say, it reminds me of like learning to ski or snowboard.

Speaker 1 It's like oddly impossible when you first start doing it. You're like, why am I falling? Like, I know how to not fall.
What the fuck am I doing? And then something flips.

Speaker 1 Something weird flips where you gain so much confidence in learning how to be on your edges that you're like, oh. That's okay.
I'm not going to fall. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 The same point about ice skating.

Speaker 2 I don't know why that made me laugh.

Speaker 1 He was a champion ice skater. Don't do that.
No, no, but I was on the, you know, I was been in a bunch of ice hockey teams. Triple Axo de.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 A triple axo.

Speaker 1 That was your name on the ice. First of all, Koreans.

Speaker 1 Triple Axo. Yeah, but Koreans rip it in the Olympics with ice skating.
With what? What event?

Speaker 1 Not the speech. Remember that Korean girl that won the gold? The Korean lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, her. Look at how emotional she is.

Speaker 2 I love watching ice skates.

Speaker 1 Look at that face. There are no more ice.
That's what that face is. That's just her face.
Oh, that is. Uh-oh.
That's what it's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's just cold in there.
Yeah. She's shivering.
And she's freezing, the poor girl. But even, look, can I go back to my...

Speaker 1 I hadn't ice skated in like 25 years. And once I hit the rank, I just knew how to do it.
Oh, yeah, right. Once you learn it, it's just in your, like riding a bike, it's just ingrained into your thing.

Speaker 1 But like, you know, when you're learning something new, especially at my age now, it's just, yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 2 I'd like to say it's also like riding a bicycle.

Speaker 2 Because I rode a bicycle for a long time and I took a lot of time.

Speaker 1 I just said it.

Speaker 1 What's going on? You know what it's kind of like with stand-up? It's kind of like riding a bike. Kind of.
A BMX bike. It's kind of like riding a BMX bike with pegs.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Except you're sitting down.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 You're not standing up.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. I have no idea what's going on.
I had a great time in Houston. Shout out to Houston.
Had a great time down there. Houston.
And then they took me to one of the local stand-up spots.

Speaker 1 And boy, oh, boy,

Speaker 1 Houston knows how to get down. You know what I mean? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 They have like the strip of cars where people just show off their cars and shit.

Speaker 1 And they were like bumping with like LED lights underneath. One dude had his trunk open.
And I'm not kidding. He had a fucking...
Let me guess. Huh.
He had a bunch of families in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was taking. Am I wrong? No, he was taking them to sweet potatoes.
Taking rice. He's selling sweet potatoes.
Sweet potatoes. potatoes, yeah.
Okay, what else?

Speaker 1 But look at that. Just like that.
So the dude had in the back of his back of his trunk. I'm not kidding.
I'm not. It said, pull me over.
I'm not kidding. Pull me over.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And by the way, in the back, look in the back.
So some of them have speakers. This guy had a fucking diorama of like the city of Houston.
He had like the cityscape in the back of his trunk. Wow.

Speaker 1 But it said, pull me over. And I thought, I was asking the local comics.
I was like, so these guys just ride around like this. They don't get in trouble at all.

Speaker 1 He's like, nah, the cops know that they might have guns too. So they don't even want to pull them over.
I was like, that's so funny. That's in LA, they'd get pulled over in seconds.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, it's illegal to cruise on sunset. Do you know that? They just

Speaker 1 reinstated it again.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Okay.
No, but dude, do you remember back in the day? Dude, you just brought me back, dude.

Speaker 1 Back in the day at the store when I was young, right?

Speaker 1 There was cruising. There were people with those kinds of cars.
Yeah. A bunch of chicks.
You know what I mean? Players.

Speaker 1 Yo, what's that?

Speaker 1 Player. Yeah, players.

Speaker 1 Yes. I got it.
Yeah, yeah. Is that player, Bobby? Yeah, doogie-doogie.
Doogie-doogie.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's a word. Yeah, doogie-doogie.
Yeah, rise. You gotta rise.
You gotta rise up. You rise up, dude, and take your chance.
But you're not allowed to cruise anymore on sunset.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. There's no more cruising.
If they...

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 2 How do you know if you're like...

Speaker 1 If they see you pass by the same point. You don't know the difference between regular riding and cruising?

Speaker 2 Well, if I got pulled over pro-cruising, I'd be like, I just missed my turn.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then you're not cruising. Yeah, you're not cruising.

Speaker 1 You know what you're cruising when you're cruising. You sound like a cop.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Pull over.

Speaker 1 Let me see your license and registration. Oh, okay.
Well, you know that you're cruising when you're cruising.

Speaker 2 No, I'm driving.

Speaker 1 No, you're cruising. You're definitely cruising, young lady.
Give me a license and registration.

Speaker 2 I will comply, officer, but I'm just driving to work.

Speaker 1 I'm his new partner.

Speaker 1 We see you cruising around here and you're bubbly cooking, piggly popping out to all the all your friends. You're going to prison.
Our last account was a real.

Speaker 1 This is my guy now.

Speaker 2 Can I see your badges?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 do you know the difference between cruising and riding? No, cruising is like this, dog.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you about cruising, baby.

Speaker 1 You want me to cruise?

Speaker 1 Hey, bro, I'm cruising, dog.

Speaker 1 Dude, the lower they get.

Speaker 1 Hey, but oh, I'm cruising, bro.

Speaker 1 What's up, dog?

Speaker 1 And then, yeah, that's when you get pulled over. When you get too low,

Speaker 1 they can't see you.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yeah, dude.
No cruising. Two times past the same point within six hours.
That's that's insane. That's way too specific.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, because what if you went and got food and came back?

Speaker 1 We can't do that. That's cruising.

Speaker 1 These balls are out of control. You got to go around, man.
You have to learn to cruise, dude. Can we cruise? Yeah, we can cruise.
Yeah, we can cruise, dude.

Speaker 1 We got to get the right car, but we can cruise.

Speaker 2 Let's cruise in Ontario.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, where the cruising zone ends is really nice.
Cruising is also another word in the gay community, cruising.

Speaker 1 What is it? Tell me. You're going fishing for dick.

Speaker 1 Carlos knows. In parks.
Yeah, cruising, cruising for sex. There it is.
Wikipedia's got it, dude. Even the wiki knows.
Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 If I'm in a park late at night, it's not known for cruising, but can I find cruising?

Speaker 1 My guess would be: every park late at night is known for cruising

Speaker 1 section of cruising. There's got to be cruising everywhere.
Right. Is there a noise you make? When you're cruising? Well,

Speaker 1 when you're dick cruising, is there a noise you make? Carlos, dude, the noise. When you're dick cruising in a park.
Yeah, you just

Speaker 1 walk up to a tree with a bush around it. You just go.

Speaker 1 Oh, you clear your throat? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You need the throat throat, to be clear. Oh.
Oh. That's where that song comes from.
Let me clear my throat.

Speaker 1 Someone give me a big black dick.

Speaker 1 Someone give me that big black dick. By the way,

Speaker 1 I used to live across the street from the Circus of Books, and they called that Vaseline Alley. Oh, I know.
Back in the day.

Speaker 1 Vaseline Alley. That's the first thing.

Speaker 1 That's for that's where it was. Circus of Books, yeah.
That was number one for cruising. That's a great cruiser.
Because hold on.

Speaker 1 Across the street from Circus of Books used to be a bar that was called

Speaker 1 the Gold

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 The Gold Punch. What is it, Carlos? You know.
Room. No, but it was the main club in front of Vaseline Alley.
And sometimes I would walk down that street to get to the improv. Woo!

Speaker 1 What, baby? I don't know. Gold Coast.
No. Gold Coast.
Yeah. What about this place? On Santa Maria Boulevard.

Speaker 1 The amount of times I've seen guys getting their dick sucked in that alley, walking home from the improv at night, I'm not kidding. Uncountable.
Do you ever see Carlos on Santa Margo Boulevard?

Speaker 1 The Starbucks, that one? That's a cruising spot? 633. Whoa.
Dude, we got to go there. But on Santa Margo, right by the store about Santa Margo Boulevard, right? There's a French place.

Speaker 1 Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about? The one next to 7-Eleven.
Yeah, it's like a French place. I never knew what was there.
It wasn't a restaurant. Holloway in La Sienega.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but what was that place? What do you mean? Still there?

Speaker 1 I used to eat brunch there. Don Barris goes there all the time.
Oh, that's food? It's a great food store. Oh, I thought that was a fucking cruising spot.
Well, we could turn it into one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like that. Still bag.
My bad. I like that this was called Gay Bucks.
That Starbucks was Gay Bucks. Yeah, Gay Bucks.
Okay, give me a number. It's also the currency they accepted.

Speaker 1 Really? 24-hour fitness. That is so obvious.
The one on Santa Monica. I mean, when you drive on Santa Monica, you can look up and see people getting their cock sucked on the treadmill.
Home Depot.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 If you want Mexicans. Yin, yin, yin, yin, yin.

Speaker 2 Walking on their knees.

Speaker 1 Hey, have you cruising over here, man? Do you want Runyon Canyon? You want me to fix something?

Speaker 1 Are you cruising? Yeah, yeah. Runyon.
Yeah. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 I go there all the time.

Speaker 1 Never seen it. That's also true.
You do go there to cruise. Target.
What Target? For sure. The one on Santa Monica and La Brea.
Oh, Studs Theater. That was the porno.
It's gone. Rest in peace, Studs.

Speaker 1 They closed it down. Yeah.
You know, I used to lie to people when they came into town and I took them past.

Speaker 1 There used to be a bar over there called Lubich, a Russian bar, and Studs is right like down the street from it.

Speaker 1 And when we were going there, if we parked and walked, I'd always be like, you know, that's the the theater where they caught Pee. Herman.
Everybody believed it.

Speaker 1 It was in Florida or some shit like that. But everyone was like, that's the one.
So it got passed around. That's where we met, by the way, Bar Lubis.
You and me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At the show in the back.

Speaker 1 Whoa. That was the first time I met you.
You, me, and Brent Weinbach.

Speaker 1 I love Weinbach.

Speaker 1 He's so funny. He's so funny.
He's really funny. Wait, me, you, Brent Weinbach? I don't know.
Maybe TJ Miller. Yeah, Miller.
That sounded familiar.

Speaker 1 The Pavilions. Which one? Robertson.
Yeah, the Robertson. Yeah, that was.
Wow. Yeah, that makes sense.
Vaseline Alley.

Speaker 1 You know, Vaseline Alley. Told you, bro.
Told you. I had a membership for a couple months, but

Speaker 1 if you're not sucking enough, they kick you out. The troll coast instead of the gold coast.
And the mold coast

Speaker 1 primarily to its aging clientele.

Speaker 1 The mold coast. Can I ask the etiquette of cruising, though, may I?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 you might must know Carlos.

Speaker 1 I'm in Vaseline Alley, right? Let's suppose I'm walking down Vaseline Alley.

Speaker 2 Well, you're kind of sliding forward.

Speaker 1 I'm sliding forward.

Speaker 1 And what do I do? Do I look at a guy and go,

Speaker 1 huh?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I imagine you could just be very... Or do you just pull it out? Like, I don't know what you do.
I don't know. I don't know.
Hello. I don't think you have to be coy in Vaseline Alley.

Speaker 1 It's not a stand-up set.

Speaker 1 You just pull it out like that. You just clear your throat.

Speaker 1 This dude is. Dude, honestly, let's get...
This is what...

Speaker 1 I know what this is. What is it? It's a resentment he has.
Why? I don't know why. That's why I want to get to the root of it because there's a resentment that he has, but it's coming out in this way.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Right? Like, it's an anger.
So I want to get to the root of it because this is going to start a war. Yeah.
This is, you know. I agree.
Yeah. This is endgame here.

Speaker 1 So, um, what is the anger? On my birthday, you chose everybody but me as your

Speaker 1 last favorite people,

Speaker 1 basically.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I also said, though, that it's a hard choice.

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 I said it was really hard, yeah, that makes up how do you, you know, I also said it was a hard choice, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's true, okay. I have it wasn't I was saying it was like, yeah, like they ran away with it, you know, there was definitely some like

Speaker 1 you know, I was you know, weighing the fucking in my head, but you know what?

Speaker 1 I think the truth be told, I probably love you more than I love McCullen.

Speaker 1 Okay, I take it bye.

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Speaker 1 How have the shows been on the road, Jess?

Speaker 2 Great. I headlined 13 shows this year already.

Speaker 1 Lucky 13. Wonderful.

Speaker 2 And then all your spots. It's been cool seeing people show up.
And I got that Netflix thing in May 11th. Only a few tickets left, too.
It's in May. It's already almost sold out.

Speaker 1 Netflix is a joke. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the name of it? Oh, sorry. Where are you performing?

Speaker 2 The Belly Room.

Speaker 1 It's your own show?

Speaker 2 It's my own show. It's already almost sold out.

Speaker 2 Can they add another one? I don't know. I mean, I think it's.

Speaker 1 Can we open?

Speaker 2 I thought about it. I thought about doing all the people I've opened for open for me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's actually a good idea. Yeah, well, can we open it?

Speaker 2 What can we open? No,

Speaker 2 I didn't think you would be interested. Well, I mean, if we didn't get asked, I barely hear from you guys these days.
So I was like, well, you're too famous.

Speaker 1 You're fucking bigger than that.

Speaker 2 I did get invited to Soho House.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Whoa, which one? The one in Hollywood? I think so.
West Hollywood, I mean? I think so. Beverly Hills, West Hollywood.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what were the circumstances?

Speaker 2 Met them at the comedy store. They were like, gave me their emails and they said, anytime you want to go, just let us know.

Speaker 1 Was it representatives of Soho House? Yeah. Oh, nice.
Carlos,

Speaker 1 I do belong? To Soho House? Yeah, yeah. No.
You belong, right, Carlos? Can you get me in? Yeah. They let him belong to it.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I think he's going to be a little bit of a double.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you know how much it would hurt if I got denied?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't get denied? What are you talking about? You just walk up.

Speaker 1 Look, dude, I've never been a member. I've been in there fucking 300 times.
Maybe too. I just walk in.
Yeah. They don't say anything.
What time do they close Soho House? I don't know. One, two-ish.

Speaker 1 They don't say anything. They don't care.
If you're there, they know you're.

Speaker 1 It's fine.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, if you know how to get into the part

Speaker 1 there to get to the door, they assume you know what you're doing. I'll get you in.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Whoa, dude.
Why haven't you joined? Soho house? Yeah. I live in the fucking valley.
Me too. Well, I don't want to go.
It's in Beverly Hills. I don't go down there.

Speaker 1 Do they have one in the valley? No, of course not. Oh, downtown.
Yeah, no, they do have one in the valley, actually. Really? They have a secret Soho house.

Speaker 1 Where is it? They do have a secret Soho house.

Speaker 1 Where is it? I don't know if I should tell you.

Speaker 1 Are you allowed to know? Tim Tim Dylan's house? Yeah, that's the other solo. Yeah, yeah.
That's a so-ho house.

Speaker 1 Any interest of dating anybody? Oh, what's going on in the dating scene?

Speaker 2 I really want to be in a relationship, but I feel like I have no time to explore that. Like, I do single different than Bobby.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You guys probably do it kind of the same.
But you're not doing... You jump on Raya, fly someone in, pay thousands of dollars to host them,

Speaker 2 don't you? Yeah, it's not sexy when you're doing that for a man.

Speaker 1 Oh, right. Yeah.
It doesn't work the other way, does it?

Speaker 2 Not for me.

Speaker 1 I don't do that. I don't do that.

Speaker 2 Well, let's bring up the Hollywood curtain again.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What do you mean? Is that a bad?

Speaker 1 Is that a bad? Am I a. That's not an insult.

Speaker 1 Do you get on Raya and fly girls in from other places?

Speaker 1 It's not even invasive. It's like a fucking common knowledge.
I have. I have before.

Speaker 1 I don't want it out there.

Speaker 2 Okay, dude. What is going on with Bob?

Speaker 1 Cut it out. Go ahead, cut it out.
No, keep it in. No, it's fine.
I just don't. I think that's not like an offensive or a mean or rude thing.

Speaker 2 No, I think it's awesome and hot. If I were the girl, I'd be like, that's awesome.
I need to find a guy.

Speaker 1 I've done it a couple times in my lifetime. Let's just say that.
And I'm asking you, because when you were up on stage Thursday night,

Speaker 1 up there. There were two dudes with hard-ons on in the back.

Speaker 1 And that was sitting in the booths in the back. And behind me, you knew who was watching you with loving in his eyes.

Speaker 2 Oh, he told me, yeah. Wait, who? My ex.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is sad. No, I looked around and looked at me.
He was, I swear to God, this is what his face was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's karma coming at you.

Speaker 1 It's not karma, karma.

Speaker 1 Kamakama karma coming in. I wanted that to happen.
No, it's okay. We'll clean it later.

Speaker 2 You know why he was like,

Speaker 1 he was doing this. He has arms stretched out like this on the thing, right? You're on stage that way right and he was doing this

Speaker 2 you know why right why he's a huge davital fan oh yeah this is he was he was not on stage no he came running into the room because they said davitel was there he's fine

Speaker 1 compliment him while he's doing it like the real quiet

Speaker 2 anyway no but you're but but so seriously you're not on the apps or none of that shit no i i don't know how to find somebody because i work a lot Like, I'm, I'm, I went to a party, but it was like a work party.

Speaker 2 So that was the first time I went out outside of a work environment in so long.

Speaker 1 So I'm just. Oh, fuck! Sunday at the Andes? Yeah.
I was invited. I forgot about it.
What was there?

Speaker 2 That's crazy you know about the party.

Speaker 1 I didn't think you would go to that. The employee party?

Speaker 2 It was a birthday party. It was like 10 people at birthday.

Speaker 1 Wellington.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she turned 40. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was a, it was a great party. Everybody dressed up.
I dressed up as Debbie Harry. Oh, that's cool.
Everyone thought I was Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 And there was no guy there that you went,

Speaker 2 no, because I work with all of them. And

Speaker 1 I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2 When you're on the road, so when I'm on the road, there's been a couple guys in like the meet and grate that'll be like, can I take you out for a drink?

Speaker 2 But it feels weird because I've just, it's like they know about me, but I don't know anything about them.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's how it works. That is how it works.

Speaker 2 Is it though? Because like now I'm going.

Speaker 2 I don't know these people.

Speaker 1 I know, but when you become more known, that's part of it.

Speaker 2 It just feels weird. They know more about me than I know.

Speaker 1 You know what you do? It's an old trick in the book.

Speaker 1 You may not know. You ask questions.
You get to know them.

Speaker 1 Like, what do you do? You're like teaching an autistic kid to have a date? It feels so awkward. Ask questions, buddy.
Ask questions, buddy. That's how you learn.
Yeah. And also, can I just say this?

Speaker 1 It's not wrong to get some side dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but also, yeah, that's a good point. I feel a lot of pressure to go on a date.

Speaker 1 Right, that's in a book somewhere. That is in some book.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe in that cruising 101

Speaker 1 Vaseline Alley book. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How do you, is there pressure? Because if I go on a date, they're going to want to have sex, but maybe I don't want to have sex.

Speaker 1 Lay that out forward. Go, look, I'm not interested in sleeping with someone, but I am down to hang out with you.

Speaker 2 Just say that up top.

Speaker 1 Absolutely lutely. But even if you did like the guy, right? You have a couple of drinky drinks, right? And you're like, yeah, I want to make out with this guy.
There's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 1 And you're also still not obligated to do shit. Yeah.
You just tell him, look, I'm not going to sleep with you.

Speaker 2 I wish you guys could come with me.

Speaker 1 We will. Let's do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just over your shoulder. We're like, she's not going to fuck you, man.

Speaker 2 People don't realize I've been that relationship for five years. And I've just been working my ass up like in stand-up, like head to the ground, like hustling.
So I am so out of touch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you deserve to enjoy that stuff too.

Speaker 1 You deserve to get it doesn't have to mean anything. It can just be fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'll.

Speaker 1 That's what my therapist says. Yeah, you're allowed to have fun.
You're allowed to have fun in life.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'll do the app. The app sounds scary.
Like I'll just meet up with somebody in a random place

Speaker 1 fascinating alley carlos does that all the time yeah you can meet them at a police station or a fire house that sounds so lame good advice

Speaker 1 also you know what what with someone like you right you you could be in the power position i don't want to be that but wait go on go on go on go on

Speaker 1 and you could have a guy that you're attracted to who's a great guy, great ethics, value, morals, great job, all the things, but likes to follow in your footsteps and doesn't need to be the center of attention.

Speaker 1 And you're that person. He could be supportive of you, and then you get great dick on the side.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I kind of want someone like.

Speaker 2 I watched Goodfellas recently.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want like a mafia guy who has connections. And like, I want a powerful man in my relationship.

Speaker 1 You want a guy that owns a sandwich shop in New Jersey, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Carmine.

Speaker 2 I don't want to date a pussy, you know.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? What is that?

Speaker 2 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what what are you talking about

Speaker 1 hey forget about it forget about this lady over here that's what he says after

Speaker 1 so anyway um that's what he says after you're allowed to come too fast forget about it forget about it hey forget about it it's a hundred dollars take a walk yeah go shopping hey go shower bitch

Speaker 1 don't tell anybody i came too fast insecure gangster

Speaker 1 don't tell anybody that i pre-came

Speaker 1 can we get what you what you're you're looking for here? Like, can we check off the list? What are you looking for here?

Speaker 2 I want somebody not in comedy, but...

Speaker 1 Oh, you hear what she just said? What? Doesn't want a Jewish person. That's what she just said.
Yeah. No, you don't want a Jew.
Racist.

Speaker 1 Racist. Racist.
You don't want a Jewish person.

Speaker 2 None of us are Jewish. No, but somebody

Speaker 2 who makes as much money as me or more.

Speaker 1 Jew. Yeah.
So now you want a Jew. Maybe I do.
Maybe I don't.

Speaker 1 Mixilkins there. So she said as much money as her or more.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 So like half Jewish. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Like dad's Jewish, mom's not.
Yeah. Right.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Not a real Jew. What else?

Speaker 2 That they're like, they can fight.

Speaker 2 Why do you make that face? That's a good quality to have.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you need that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to feel protected.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but what if they just have a gun? Yeah, what if I have mace?

Speaker 2 I don't want to go on a date in this country.

Speaker 1 What if I have the rape whistle? It's so funny that I said gun, he said mace.

Speaker 1 Why? That's just such an extreme difference. I know, but you want to murder her.
I just want to like

Speaker 1 shoot him in the knees.

Speaker 2 You know, like Jake Gyllenhaal and Southpaw.

Speaker 1 Yeah. In what? Southpaw.

Speaker 2 Can I get that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can't.

Speaker 1 No chance. You can't get that.

Speaker 2 My standards are too high.

Speaker 1 No. That's a really because he is.
That's like top of the line, Jake Jilly. He's so.

Speaker 1 Look at the guy. Roadhouse.
Roadhouse. Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 2 He's great in that. That's all I want.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's not going to get that. Simple pimple stuff.
Yeah, you're not going to get that

Speaker 1 Roadhouse. Look at that.

Speaker 1 That's what you want? Yeah, of course. And you know what you're going to get? He's not interested.
You know what you're really going to get? You're going to get Stavros. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He can fight. That's it.
He can fight, though. He can fight.

Speaker 2 And he's got a. Yeah.
He looks mafia.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not Italian.

Speaker 1 It's like the Roadhouse photo, but like stretched out a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Panoramic, panoramic Roadhouse.

Speaker 2 Maybe if I squint my eyes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like if a skinny guy got a tattoo of Jake Jillenhall and then he got fat, that would be the tattoo.

Speaker 1 That'd be the tattoo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're looking for a guy that can fight, a guy that has more money or as much money as you. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be like the power of dynamic. I don't like to be the more.

Speaker 1 You don't want to pay for someone else. You want someone to pay for you.
Yeah. And if we're not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 What if I'm a guy that says, an independent person?

Speaker 1 What if I'm a guy that says, yo,

Speaker 1 fuck Art?

Speaker 1 This This is one of the cruising guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, fuck Basquiat, man.
I fucking hate art.

Speaker 1 Is that a problem?

Speaker 2 Well, no.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Because then I could do my own thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, I hate food.

Speaker 2 What do you eat?

Speaker 1 Oh, I met this guy. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you know this guy. You know this guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never heard Bobby say that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Not me. I love food.
Different in my body. I love food.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I hate food. Like, you know, I got to eat.

Speaker 2 Whoa. You know who did say that the other day? Mark Smalls.
He hates the art of eating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at him. Malnutrition.
I know. I don't trust that at all.
Yeah, I don't trust you. You don't hate food? He doesn't, he eats.
Just plays Warzone all day?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he thinks it's a waste of time.

Speaker 1 You can only say that. It's a first world country problem.
Yeah, so do you hate food?

Speaker 1 A guy that doesn't like food eats it because he has to survive, but doesn't like flavors or great restaurants. What about a guy that never wants to go out to eat, ever? Only does home-cooked meals.

Speaker 1 Refuses to go out. That's weird.
Okay. Yeah.
What if he's got a nice pipe and he knows how to fight? And he makes a lot of money.

Speaker 2 We'll eat at home.

Speaker 1 What about one of those fools that do meal preps? So I know people that go, yeah, I buy a bunch of chicken, a bunch of rice, and I just cook it at one time. And they save it.

Speaker 1 And this is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Does that guy bother you?

Speaker 2 If I wanted that, I'd be a lesbian and just get a housewife.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that's up to you.

Speaker 2 You guys are asking me about dating, like, how you would want a woman.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. No.
No, we're just saying, like, what would be the flaw that you'd be okay with that's weird? Like that? Like, it's a little strange, but it's not that big of a deal.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't, it wouldn't be like,

Speaker 2 I would end the date immediately if he's like, I loved a meal person.

Speaker 1 What if he was really handsome and cool, but he also, but he smoked crack? But he made a lot of fucking money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had a nice dick, but he smoked rocks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's not an addict. Yeah.
Right? Okay. Okay.
He just casually smokes.

Speaker 1 He's a casual. No, there could be a guy.
You think there's a

Speaker 1 casual crazy guy? Yeah, a casual crack. I only do it on weekends.
And I only do it with my friends. Yeah.
Okay. So on Saturdays, Sunday nights.
You never smoke alone. Yeah, you never smoke.

Speaker 1 He's got cloudy and Saturdays, right? Him and his buddies, they'll watch a game. Smoke crack.
And smoke crack together. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But on Monday through Friday, I mean, just during the days, he goes to his fucking ⁇ he works at ⁇

Speaker 1 an insurance company exactly yeah he's an insurance broker he works for all state

Speaker 1 well i've always wanted to try crack so okay hell yeah have you never tried it no well i don't think so have i tried crack

Speaker 1 no man

Speaker 1 that's not an insane question man most people haven't tried crack i've smoked cocaine

Speaker 1 That's crack. That's close.
That's close. That's pretty close.

Speaker 2 But it didn't look like crack. And it was like $80.

Speaker 1 Give me the percentages of Americans that use crack.

Speaker 2 How would they even find them all?

Speaker 1 To do the second.

Speaker 1 They're all lost. Yeah.
Crack statistics.

Speaker 1 How come I couldn't be on this survey? Who uses crack cocaine?

Speaker 1 Okay, that's not bad. That's statistic.

Speaker 2 No crack.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to be funny, but I would not want a crack user.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So that 97% of crack users are American.

Speaker 1 God is good. God is good.
This is the greatest country in the world. Because we know what's good is.
Yeah, all those other fucking losers are. They don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 Imagine if you introduce crack to like Japan. How much it's like the cleanest place on earth.
Yeah. It's already that way.
What would crack do?

Speaker 2 Just more efficient.

Speaker 1 I mean, no, you can go. Well, crack doesn't make you...

Speaker 1 Crack's not like meth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but in Japan it would be.

Speaker 1 Or in Japan, it would be. No, Japanese people on meth.
What kind of technologies can they make? We go to the moon and back the same day.

Speaker 1 They like that, you know, the

Speaker 1 Avengers end game?

Speaker 1 That little thing that they can go back in the past? They could probably make one of them. They make that like an hour and a half.
An hour and a half.

Speaker 1 Give a Japanese guy Adderall.

Speaker 1 What's that old quote? Give a Japanese guy,

Speaker 1 teach a Japanese guy how to fish. He'll eat Adderall.
He'll eat Adderall.

Speaker 1 Build a time machine. What's that old quote? What are these statistics? 2022 was the highest use of crack.
Yeah, it's like 5.7 million. We're back, baby.
There was a dip. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 There was a dip.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a dip in COVID. You couldn't get crack during COVID.
Isn't that funny? That's why they did it.

Speaker 1 Try to stop the drug wars. They made everyone stay at home.

Speaker 1 Obama elected less black people smoking crack. Oh.

Speaker 2 2011. Speaking of dip, I got to bring it up.
We have to stop smoking.

Speaker 1 You both do. I've said that twice.

Speaker 2 We have to do a pact.

Speaker 1 I feel like. You're the one that got me back on the high road.

Speaker 2 That's not fair to say that.

Speaker 1 But but it's true.

Speaker 3 It's not true, it's not fair but true.

Speaker 2 We would go on the road, and Bobby would corner me and like hit me to give him cigarettes. And I

Speaker 1 wouldn't, no, you would go like this: before this, you're set cigarette.

Speaker 2 No, I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Everyone, and I'd be like, hey, you know, I quit. I went weekly.

Speaker 1 You said one more hurt. So, are you saying, are you genuinely saying on the show right near right now that Jetsky got you back on cigarettes? That's fine.
I can say this for a fact.

Speaker 1 I can say this for a fact.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 but I can say that if she wasn't on the road with us i wouldn't be smoking now interesting that's why i'm quitting yeah yeah so that i can say that for a fact you would bully me for cigarettes and i wasn't no dude honestly let's not be let's be real i tell the fact

Speaker 1 that's so insane that you would even say that it's true though i had quit for two years it broke my heart to get and i'm like i'm sitting in my dressing room and you would stick your fingers into the drawer with a cigarette

Speaker 1 and goody

Speaker 2 I would blow the smoke in your face, but I didn't do that. I was stuck.

Speaker 1 So, no, I'm going to die from lung cancer. And I hope you don't.

Speaker 2 You have to border me and be like, you're fired if you don't give me them. Like, it was.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's so insane that you would even say that.
It's true. Is that true, you fucking bastard?

Speaker 2 And then you'd say, I can handle it. I can handle it.

Speaker 1 I'll just have to. Carlos, what do you remember?

Speaker 2 I think he was with us in Vegas when we were outside.

Speaker 1 I remember it was concerning that you were smoking because I knew you quit for a while. But I do know that Jetsuki wouldn't just like offer you shit that she knew you quit.
She was a supplier.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he made her.

Speaker 1 Did you hear that? That's the greatest thing you've ever said in your life. She was the supplier.

Speaker 1 No, it's a power dynamic issue. It was.
It's not a power dynamic.

Speaker 2 It was a literal quid pro quo.

Speaker 1 Supplier.

Speaker 2 If you don't give me a cigarette, you don't work anymore.

Speaker 1 Sounds right. It sounds pretty good.
Yeah. You're

Speaker 1 supplying then. There's no means.

Speaker 1 Correct? That's right. Right.

Speaker 2 Then I'm quitting, and I really hope you do it with me. No.
I know you won't.

Speaker 1 I'm lost in it now. I know.
At two years.

Speaker 1 The mortality of lung cancer are highest in Asia compared with Europe and USA, with incense and mortality rates being 34.4 and 28.1 per 100,000, respectively, in East Asia. Asians be smoking.

Speaker 1 Asians be smoking.

Speaker 2 I really, really tried to hide it from you and not give you them, just so you know. And I don't want to quit, but I know I have to.

Speaker 1 What does that mean that we get it more? You get it at a higher ratio per 100,000 people, lung cancer, because many people in Asia smoke.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's normalized, where America has flipped the last decade and

Speaker 1 made it the opposite. They've tried to denormalize smoking.
That's why they took it out of restaurants.

Speaker 1 And around the world, tobacco products, smoking, vary in each country among different demographic groups.

Speaker 1 The countries with the highest prevalence of daily smokers are Kirbati, Nauru, and Papua New Guinea, where 35% or more of the population smoke. Can I ask a philosophical question?

Speaker 1 How's today's podcast going?

Speaker 1 I've had a really good time. Me too.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just good to be back with the gang. is the gang, right? And when I was in Houston alone, I felt a little sad.
I knew you would. I missed the gang a little bit.
I know you would.

Speaker 1 You know what's so funny about the road at night? Same thing that we had.

Speaker 1 I brought Mike Falzone down there. You know Falzone.
And it wasn't great. We were writing together and stuff.
And like, you're writing and you're working and I'm working on this hour.

Speaker 1 And then at night in the hotel,

Speaker 1 it is there are those moments when I'm like staring at the stuff and going over all the shit and re-listening to the shows

Speaker 1 that you I think that's the hardest part that people don't know. Performing, all that stuff, most fun.
Hardest part is like tinkering, retooling.

Speaker 1 It's almost like when you build a paper airplane when you're a kid, and the first one's fucking dog shit, and then somebody teaches you how to do like the other flap, and you're like, whoa, how do you do that?

Speaker 1 And then you keep doing it until then you start to really figure it out. But sometimes the tinkering is, that's the hardest shit.
Yeah, especially when you feel like it's not.

Speaker 1 You're like, why the fuck isn't that flying? I don't even understand. I can sell something if I know it's going to work.
Right.

Speaker 1 But when it's, when I, I'm iffy about it, my, the confidence is like 50% less. I say it not meekly, but I say it in a, not in the way I would normally deliver something.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, the audience has gotten smart. They know that you're not all the way in, so they can feel it when you say something.

Speaker 1 But also, the wording, sometimes, like, oh my, I think I fucked up with the wording.

Speaker 1 Once I know something works, I know the beats and all that stuff. But sometimes I'll say the setup of it and I'll go, oh, that's completely wrong.
Right. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And now when I do the funny part it's just gonna not make sense or you know what i mean i hate it but that's the tooling that's kind of the most fun but i do thailand what is this thailand passes bill to legalize same-sex marriage so finally wait a minute it was illegal in thailand yeah isn't that the spot to go get thai boys and all have that crazy deviant fun yeah like in one neighborhood probably

Speaker 1 wait but in the but it's probably in bangkok they legalize weed before same-sex marriage it's the first southeast asian nation to guarantee the marriage rights for gay and lesbian kids. That's great.

Speaker 1 It's the beginning. Is that now? That just happened now? Yeah.
So ladyboys are chill, but gay marriage is not chill.

Speaker 5 It's only fun if it's illegal.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 No, no, let that sink in. Yeah, we'll put that on your tombstone.
It's only fun when it's illegal.

Speaker 1 And then as soon as illegal. Your honor, his last words

Speaker 1 were his, it's only fun if it's illegal. Isn't that the point of that going to Thailand? Of getting ladyboys?

Speaker 1 No, I think that's a lot of people that have rep that have these repressed feelings about having sex with trans women or men

Speaker 1 and don't want to fucking come clean about how they feel. So they go there to be like, well, it's, you know, it's a thing here, but they're just afraid of how they feel.

Speaker 1 If they wanted to do it, you know, out out loud, they just do it here. No, but they don't.
It's a thing here. But they're repressed.

Speaker 1 So they go there because they feel like that's a that's like a pass. It's like a pass.
They don't want to do it here because they don't want to.

Speaker 1 And I feel like so many people that go over there that get ladyboys, they're married. I feel like that's married dudes go there to do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because because if you're single, you could just do sneak it here.

Speaker 1 If you're single, you wanted a ladyboy here, you could just get one here, right, Carlos? Yeah, of course. Yeah, have you been to Bangkok, Carlos, and done that thing? No, I haven't.

Speaker 1 Would you go get a ladyboy? No, I'm not. It's like so borderline, like sex trafficky to me that I don't want to go over there.

Speaker 1 Get a lady man, yeah, get a lady man. Get a lady man here in LA.
No, I would do it. He's like, right now, tonight.
Not a lady boy, but get a lady man.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't go to Thailand. You're bisexual.
Bobby.

Speaker 1 And you're not?

Speaker 1 Wow. Interesting.
No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 No, it's all on a spectrum, and I think we're like on that spectrum right next to each other. I'm not on that spectrum, man.

Speaker 2 Is Carlos hitting on Bobby?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys are. I did say...
We'd be a good couple. I mean, I...

Speaker 1 No. I do.

Speaker 1 I do like my ass. Your ass is.
What can I say about your ass?

Speaker 1 Probably the best ass I've had. Men and women.
Oh, hell yeah. Your ass is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man, you're not on that spectrum.

Speaker 1 You guys are on that spectrum. I'm driving by.
Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm cruising?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Let me ask you.
I'm cruising. Okay, what's going on over there? Seen his butt?

Speaker 1 I mean, just in his pants, yeah. No, look at the bare ass.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 all right, show it. Go stand in the hallway there so I can see it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll judge. It's like an optical illusion.
Turn around. Stay there.
Jesse, close your eyes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, stay over there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, let's see.

Speaker 1 Turn this way.

Speaker 1 Bend over. Spread it.
No, don't spread it. Please don't spread it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's a regular guy.

Speaker 1 It looks like a regular guy's butt. If the

Speaker 1 oh, that's good. Oh, Bob, that's good.
Do you like that when he shakes? Oh, my God. I love it.

Speaker 2 This is what Dan Snyder did in that.

Speaker 1 His riding room.

Speaker 1 These were his riding rooms.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back, bad friends. After these commercials, and then we just get gacked.

Speaker 1 Now you got a regular guy's butt. I don't know.
It looks like a guy's butt. I think that's what Bobby likes.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.