Prunes Are God's Ozempic w/ Dave Attell & Louis Katz

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You have some good ones on the way. I had to massage Bobby naked when I lost a bet on the show and I couldn't get over how purple it was.
It's like Barney's dick. Chopsticks.
Okay, okay, okay. Hold up, get up.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Give it up for the bad friends, guys.
Thank you guys very much. Appreciate you.
Hey, we're going to be at Abu Dhabi Comedy Week. And Abu Dhabi Comedy Week is part of Abu Dhabi Comedy Week.
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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude. I'm an Asianian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends what do they call transition lenses and that's very progressive these aren't transition they're gonna stay this way the whole time oh wow i don't i have to change glasses it's big takes all the cool out of sunglasses when did you do the when did you uh have you ever transition lenses? I had them for a while, and then I was told they're not cool.
Wait, why are they not cool? I don't understand. I don't know.
Some girl told me that, and I listened to her. Oh, you got to listen to girls.
Yeah. Are you married? I am married, yeah.
I can't believe that. It's hard to believe.
What a miracle. Yeah.
You know where he had his wedding? Where? Downtown LA, 4th of July. The only way to go.
They fit right in with all the tents down there. Yeah, it was really.
Got a good tent for the weekend. Is she Jew or what? She is not Jew.
Okay. But thank you for asking.
Not Jew? Not Jew. Wow.
Wow. It's a status symbol among white people.
Not Jew is the step up. Okay.
That's what you're supposed to say. Not Jew.
Yeah, not Jew. Bobby is interested in dating a Jewish woman.
Can you help him acquire him? Never had one. Never? Never one Jew.
Wow. I think you could do that.
How? Do you, though? I know how you could do that. Do Jewish women like Asian men? I'm Palestinian.
Opposites attract. That's going to be tough, Bob.
We do want to get him. He's never dated a Jewish girl.
And I said, we're in Los Angeles.

Like, how not?

And he just, he says he can't land any Jewish girls.

Well, I've been hooking up with Arabs.

Oh, I love it.

He's a big Arab fan. I love the Arabs.

You like a little sideburn on your lady?

Yeah.

I mean, they never used to like me.

But now with this new fame.

My options have opened. Well, they have the same kind of mustache, him and the Arab women.
Yeah, yeah. But they have this new fame.
Yeah. My options have opened.

Well, they have the same kind of mustache, him and the Arab women.

Yeah, yeah.

But they have it down there.

They have it down there.

That's what we're looking for on the sheets of sunset.

You coming in.

Season cliffhanger.

Yeah.

You like giggling, boys?

Yes.

I love it, too.

These boys are our, did you meet? Did everybody meet? Yeah meet yeah we met earlier our nice production team of ragtag individuals misfits and me and carlos is uh uh 97 days sober i'm a little over 100 now oh it's over 100 now hey that's great dude congrats you guys are david tell fans yeah yeah what was maybe an album no no hold on well that's a great i No, no, no. Hold on.
Skate for the Memories.

Oh, that's a great album.

I only have one.

I know.

Skate for the Memories is amazing.

That'd be great.

That was a good test.

Fancy doesn't know.

Andres doesn't know.

Is it in Spanish?

Yeah.

Do you have any stuff in Spanish for him?

Do I have any?

I was going to give him a comb.

I mean, what's the hair?

How'd you get here, buddy?

Power glider? Huh? Yeah a multicultural feel going on in here i love it what do you mean would you just look at me and saying that you're not paying anybody can i say one thing guys you got we started yet or is this what you this is what we do tailgate no we just kind of get going you just kind of get going move it in this is the podcast that i've been dying to do i'm out here promoting and promoting i'm like when do i get to sit with these guys yeah i am and i'm sitting in the this is awesome i remember these in that movie wonka that's what happens when you're bad and they put an oompa loompa in the chair give him a talk down Because they can't get out of those We actually got those There was a estate sale We got those from Puff Daddy's house right here That they raided Wow Yeah they put those on the lawn I was going to say after Pee Wee died This is his Straight out of the playhouse The reading of his will So let's introduce Please do May I? Please I just Alright, so The first time I met Dave Was years ago This guy named Ned Remember Ned? Ned Carlos Mencia Oh, okay You know him by his Superpower name Super And we did a tour Remember that tour we did? Uh-huh That was a big deal for us Yeah, yeah Back then. Back then, Ned was like, I'm going to get the biggest white dude, the biggest black dude.
Biggest Asian. I was the only Asian.
Who was the biggest black dude? Who was it? DC Curry? Not DC Curry. It was DC Curry? No.
I don't remember playing like that, but I remember it was like a big deal tour. It was like a theater tour.
Yeah, yeah. Outdoor venues.
Yeah. It was amazing.
I think Ralphie was on some of those. Yeah, yeah.
It was huge. It was huge we it was the first big tour i've ever done in terms of theaters amphitheaters outside no they weren't

amphitheaters oh no they were like three three thousand twenty five hundred yeah i i don't

remember i don't really i i remember bombing that's all i remember oh no no i did not do well

he would do the talk for me like you know this guy coming out i think he's funny you should think

he's funny he's trying to like strong arm his crowd you know yeah it was like a mexican crowd

I'm not going to be a good one. well he would do the talk for me like you know this guy coming out i think he's funny you should think he's funny he's trying to like strong arm his crowd you know yeah it was like a mexican crowd oh really yeah yeah yeah pretty mexican yeah so they loved you i did i was i was so green yeah but you you did good oh man even when you were green you were still a little yellow so you got through it wow you were laughing too you can't do the hard look you're right You're right, you were still a little yellow.
So you got through it. Wow.
You were laughing too.

I know.

You can't do the hard look after you laugh at the drill.

You're right.

I laugh first again.

Laugh again.

Laugh again.

Oh.

That's how it was supposed to go down.

He's like Kanye.

He doesn't want to be caught laughing.

Oh, yeah.

And then Louis, I'm just my history with them.

You used to live in LA. Yes.
I'm from LA. with them.
You used to live in L.A.

Yes, I'm from L.A.

Yeah.

And we used to write together.

Yes.

Wait a minute.

You mean Louie used to write and you were near him?

Oh, he got you.

You know what I knew?

Dude, when you squint your eyes and your face gets all red, right, I know you're about to dig. He's a phenomenal joke writer.
And I know Louis was just ripping through pages. And he was sitting there smoking, looking over your shoulder.
Good stuff, Louis. Sorry, it's so funny.
It's great. Great stuff stuff Can I throw more stories in? Yeah, throw it in What I always loved about you, Bobby Is like, you would do a great set They would love you And then you'd come running off And then you'd be like, I can't do an hour There's no reason why I should be up there for an hour.

And I'm like, well, they could have watched you for like two hours.

They were really having a great time.

He still does it. I still do it.

I still do it.

I can't do it.

I feel the same way.

I feel the same way.

Yeah.

I feel exactly the same way.

I'm like, yeah, I want out.

I want out of here.

Yeah.

I'm saying.

Or you've gone through all your material.

You look at the clock and it's like 33 minutes. I hate that.
Oh it I hate it I guess I'm gonna have to do improv Yeah I hate it So Louis used to write Yeah that's right He's probably one of the best joke writers I have a better story dude Remember we were on the sitcom together Oh my god This is crazy I hate it This is hate it. This is crazy.
This is PTSD. This is my favorite Bobby story.
Go ahead. In the early aughts, this is, we were all, you were a regular on the sitcom, too.
I was on Mad TV. Okay, but no, no, this is not that.
We were on a thing called Used Car Smell. Yeah, new car smell.
New car smell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The guys who did it were really cool. They wanted comics on it.
I fucked them. But there was also.
Fuck them. But they all, wait, hold on.
No, no, I want wanted comics on it Fuck them Wait, hold on It was you, me, and Jimmy Schubert And I'm not an actor Totally not an actor And they kept giving me these long setups For the regular people to get the punchline And I'm like, what the I can't do And I wanted to red fox it and write it on the walls walls and stuff but anyway yeah so I'm not even on the thing right Brooke Shields no see I thought you were like a special guest or no no I was a real I was Shields was in it the the guy the lead guy is like a great actor and he was like rolling his eyes every time I open my mouth what's his name over there but he was like a really good actor Christopher McDonald yes yeah I was supposed to be he's like he's like series regular. He's like A+.
A legit actor. Anyway, you and I, hold on a second.
You and I and Jimmy, we're all going into our scenes, and then we'd be smoking outside. And every time, I believe this was like on the warm-up or whatever it is, the dry run-through or something, we'd all run out and say the same thing.
I can't act. I can't believe they're going to fire me.
I'm getting my stuff now because they're going to fire me by lunch. I'm out of here.
And when you said that and then I felt like so much better I was like oh great I'm not the only non-actor here but you were killing it and then it went on and then finally we were doing it in front of a crowd you know that? and then the real actors they were like stumbling on the lines but we were rocking it because we were like totally whoring it up to the crowd like, I don't know. Whatever you say, JJ.
You know, like we were totally succumbing. Yeah, yeah.
Then Mitch Hedberg died. A lot happened in that week.
It was a big week. I'm not kidding.
Was that the week? That was the week. Oh, my God.
Wow. Look at David Walton.
There it is. New car smell.
Yeah. Put it up full screen.
Let me see what it is. This is the full pilot.
Can you imagine, Bobby, if that went? Can you imagine? We'd be retired can you imagine we'd be retired now i would have been fired dave no no oh there he is awesome i will say it's weird to not see you in all black i love it and that look is still really in you know mostly uh in the middle east how come dressed up somehow dressed up you look sleazier I hate it well can I tell you my experience on that

Brooke Shields by the way She's very cool She was very cool I hated her Why I fucking hated her I like her No I don't give a fuck Get out of your podcast Oh wait I have to leave Wait what did you not like about her What did you Am I edited out of that thing Yeah I can't find you can't find look at me lurking in the back you're such a good lurker though what's going on over there no i had to go there because i was overacting so much they had to push me back to push me way back stand natural you're standing in a weird way that's a meisner i'm using you can't find me in there right right? Well, you think they scrubbed you? That's you, right? They cut me out. So Fox calls me and they go, there's a show called New Car Smell.
We want you in it. And I go, okay.
And then they go, but the Cullen brothers don't want you in it. The guys who made the show.
Oh, that was their names. Not the Co Coen brothers.
Not the Coen brothers. The Coen brothers.
It doesn't seem like a Coen brothers. I'm glad you caught that, Louis.
I thought it was the Coen brothers too. So then they go, but they want Geddy Wananabe.
Oh, yeah. Long duck dong.
Yeah, he's great. He is.
Objectively, he's great. I would hire him over you.
100%. Let me ask you, friend.
Yeah. If you were showrunner, right? Yeah.
You pick him before me? 100%. I wouldn't even think about it.
Yeah. So you were the backup, basically.
Right. So they forced me in.
And Rob Cullen would pull me aside and go, listen, man, you got to learn how to act. No, in the pilot they cut me out of it Dave I thought you did a great job oh thank you so much honestly I can't believe he would say that that would ruin your confidence it did it sure did he was basically psyching you out and then like had two pages of dialogue.
It's not worth watching even for Bobby Leaf.

It's a terrible show.

Should have never been made.

It's a waste of time, money and talent.

Did you just put that in there?

Yeah, he just wrote that.

Wait, go back to the pilot and scrub through it.

He's got to be in there.

I want to see the image.

Go back to the pilot.

I'm not in it, dude.

But my point is, I had two pages of dialogue and by the pilot i had one line that's almost i had one line it's a restaurant scene anyway um and uh it was the worst human experience of my life what did brook and i run into rob i've seen rob a couple of times since then i won't even look at him really. I fucked that guy.
That's show business. What did Brooke Shields do to you that you're so negative about? Well, because the show owners didn't want me, you could feel it.
And so I was at craft service. And in my mind, I'm like, you know, you're in Hollywood.
I know you're a comic, but let's break it and let's mingle. Let's schmooze it.
And then I was sitting by the nuts and stuff. And I go, good morning to Brooke.
Yeah. And she didn't even.
Wow. Like, I wasn't even there.
I got to tell you, I'm probably taking. I think here, this is the scene.
Yeah. Well, we don't see you.
You're not in it. No, before they start talking.
Oh. Before there's any dialogue.
Is there a mannequin by any chance in there? Is there a. Before they.
that's you nice rack yeah i was cut out of it i was cut out of the pilot wow yeah so is this this other guy that you mentioned that guy is kind of your double that's a person you're always up against no the long dog what happened no who are you against law uh getty what a knobunanabe was much older. And at that time, he had done a couple of movies, like classics.
He was famous, though. Yeah, yeah.
He was very full-known. Very famous, right? And I was like the new kid.
And Fox was trying to get the new kid in. I see.
Well, because you were cheaper, I'm sure. Oh, much cheaper.
I'm serious. I bet you they were like, we can just get this.
Because I'm sure the pilot, you know, they overpay. Like, Brooke Shields probably got all the money.
Well, they're the stars. They're the guests.
And then I'm sure with him, they were like, let's just get Bobby Lee. How Asian can you look? Wow.
Had I? I remember him. Had I? The nerds.
Yeah. That was a different Asian.
It was? From Revenge of the Nerds, yeah. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. No, but, but was a different Asian.
Oh, it was into the nerves. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. But I know what you're saying.
You're so good on that show. Shogun.
Anyway, losers. Yeah.
I'd love to see all the parts that like you had to do like over the years it must be so crazy yeah i mean i mean there's some good experiences and then they've just been nightmares the best ones not to make it all like an actor's workshop but as a non-actor when you work with other comics and they just go like just do what you do that's the best that's the best you could ever do with with guys like me yeah yeah me too me that's about you immediately like they get it they just want it funny they can edit you know like you forget all these other things that get involved so i'm always like you know i work with amy or i was working with michael che i mean like they're all so good like pete you know like there are the comics they get it you know let's get to the funny you know yeah yeah so that that for me is cool but i always thought you were a good actor oh thanks yeah definitely i'm getting like I'm serious. Okay.
You have a heart. Yeah, your, yeah.
So that for me is cool. But I always thought you were a good actor.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, definitely.
I'm getting like-

I'm serious.

Okay.

You have heart.

Yeah, your old writing partner.

But the things I've been doing lately are pretty much offers.

And then when I show up, they're like, I'll just do you.

It's great.

Yeah, so it's been easier.

Because you're a great actor.

You're great.

That's why they want you to do you.

You're a great actor. I feel there's something behind the comp.
When you're a really good actor, they just want you to do you. You're a fucking asshole.
Shut up. It's in your face, dude.
Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, dude.
I do like this pink shirt today. I do think it's cool.
Thanks, man., man It's a rad shirt Anyway How did you do last night, by the way? Dave, were you at the store last night? What's that? Were you at the store last night? I walked by What are you getting at? I've been podcasting my little ass off Did you not go? You didn't get up last night? No, I didn't go Because I heard you were going to come by They had a special guest in the OR And I thought it was you I know what know what it was. Who's Martin Lawrence.
Again? Oh, awesome. Wow.
He did a half hour. He's doing a theater tour is what the rumor was, and he was working out for the theater tour.
But what fucked up, he brought me on. It was a great moment.
But what fucked up was he's more quiet on stage now. Wow.
So they turned up the mic, like really, really loud. And then he brought me on, and my first joke, I'm like and the whole you can tell the audience and then in the middle of my joke they turn it way down so it was fucking weird and i looked over at the booth and i did this and they were like how was his intro because they're hit and miss no i will say this it was awesome i said emily goes uh the manager said he's gonna bring you on he knows you are i told him you know about it and i thought I thought I don't care if he fucks it he doesn't know me personally I said it's fine but he got it and it was very nice because it was his road manager's there and they rehearsed it before it was really nice though plus he could've just been like next comic no he used to do this I'm done and then just walk off stage Natasha has a bit about him being rude to her when he brings her.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's on one of her specials, I'm sure.
Yeah. He was apparently very rude.
I don't know. It's always low energy now, huh? Well, he's just, he's just, I don't, it's weird to describe.
He's just much quieter. Yeah.
Adult. I think there's, yeah, he's grown.
You get older and like, you know, like we do two shows in one night and you can't remember like what you did in the first show. Sure.
I mean, sometimes like when like a hard like just like you know no no booze no no no nothing anymore it's just being tired and old and you're like always messing up the mc's name you know that kind of thing all right i've called him a million different names when we're on shows together you know thanks reggie you know it's like yeah it's not even close Are you sober now for completely? Oh, for years, for years.

For how long?

So long.

Since that new car smell.

Wake up call.

You don't smoke weed or anything?

No, I know weed is like a vitamin out here, but I don't do it.

Oh, wow.

I missed out on the whole weed evolution, too.

Are you a 12 step guy or no?

No, I don't do it.

You just do it.

Cold turkey.

Yep.

That's amazing.

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That's right.

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Not buckets, but like cups.

Not buckets.

Well, these are coffee buckets. Yeah, so.
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Wow, that is code badfriends50 at factormeals.com slash badfriends50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next box while your subscription is active. Are you sober, Louis? No, I just don't.
I don't drink that much, but I've never quit anything. I keep moderation.
I guess that's what's going to kill me. Yeah.
It's moderation. He's a food guy.
Yeah, I like to eat. He's a foodie type.
So every city you go to, are you one of the guys that you know how to pick out the spots? You have the- There's nothing open. Yeah, well, the problem is he only, he doesn't drink and he only eats one meal a day after the shows.
Yeah. And now everything's closed early, so it's like, yeah, I know to pick the best Waffle House.
I mean, there's not options. Okay, it worked for Lance Armstrong.
Why didn't anybody... Hey, the guy over there.
Now, what's your name again? Andres. And I know you're one bite away from being a full vampire But I mean Let's get the palace guy In Burbank That's so true Holy shit dude Please keep going with it This guy did all the stunts for Oppenheimer Sorry Bobby no offense in your house No please we please, we love this.
Sorry, guys. We love this.
Hit him as hard as you want. It's fine.
He's smiling on the floor. Dave, when you wake up, you don't eat breakfast? No.
Nothing. What, am I a girl? For what? What, am I going to go to school? No, I hate it.
So you literally don't eat anything? You know what I got on me right now? You want to know? Yeah I got a bag of prunes You want to look at it? No thank you I'm kind of hoping like a cop goes What do you got in that bag? You pull out a bag of prunes You can go You loser You have a cup of coffee You have a lot of coffee A lot of coffee And a lot of cigarettes This guy doesn't smoke I really feel bad for him Yeah You don't mind do I mean, I've learned tricks. Like, I keep my jacket outside of the green room so it doesn't smell.

No, I can't wait to apologize to him at his funeral.

I outlive him.

How did the special go?

Good?

Yeah, dude.

Thanks to you.

I mean, you had me on the other podcast, which helped a lot.

And it's great.

I was able to sneak onto your more successful podcast now.

Louis Special has so many great jokes in it. And yeah, it just hit a million views like the other week wow wow ally that's great doing the intro for it the best the best comedian you never heard of it tells it i'm rap it's so interesting that you didn't ask you want to see what i'm doing andrew to be uh the intro well i didn't i wasn't sure if you guys would do it i had to you have to ask first i had just i didn and I had to sneak in with Dave.
So I'd get what I can. Well, and also, he directed it.
He produced it. Wow.
I mean, that's the full tilt. That's him.
Where'd you shoot it at? The comedy fort in Fort Collins. Yeah.
I didn't have other people work at me, but I'm hands-on with the whole thing. Because he had to connect to his ski base, you know, ski fans.
You're a big ski bum, that's why. It's a great club, but it's still like, it's the best club you could possibly have in a small town in Colorado.
So you're telling jokes about Jews and blacks and they're like, what are those? And it makes me talk. What are those? Interesting.
But no, I'm pretty happy with it.

And I love that set, the art of the set, you know, a brick wall and two waters.

What more do you need?

It's not, it's not, it's no hot cross. Let's move on.

Let's move on.

Let's move on.

Wait, we pluck it.

Wait, go back to the beginning.

I'm in the beginning.

Oh, you are?

Yeah, come on.

There he is.

Look at that.

Bobby's in it, though.

Weren't you just in that? Scroll through. I think Bobby was in there.
There he is Look at that Bobby's in it though Weren't you just in that? Scroll through I think Bobby was in there There he is Oh There's Robert An insult to Allie It really is an insult to Allie Such a beautiful girl Why would I say that about her to you? Look at how much prettier she is Never mind All right Honestly, dude Just an elevator Look at me right now Just a better Asian Honestly, I don't know what happened today, but dude But it's's aggressive. It's not.
It is. There's something that you're doing with your squinchy face and your fucking red face.
I don't like it. You know what I'm going to say? What? We're renaming the show.
What is it? It's very bad. Very bad.
Today, we went a new level. It's a new level today.
Dave, you're not married. Look at me.
Of course I'm not. Girlfriend.
Nothing. I'm totally, I want to meet this Jewish girl like you're talking about.
I've heard tell of them. So you're just zero? Nothing.
That's the best thing when you come out here. I was just in Austin, the most beautiful, am I right? Yeah, beautiful.
Everywhere. And I'm just once again lurking around without the tie on.
yeah no i don't know buddy i'm so old i i really you know i guess i have a lot of uh issues my mom i have to take care of she has dementia oh stuff like that so sorry it's a lot of work and uh luckily she's doing okay but the uh the road is not fun i mean it's like you go out there you do your thing maybe you find a place to eat place to eat when you're old. So these young pups out there, of course, having some laughs.
How about you, buddy? I mean, honestly, I can assume on one of these apps, you must be the real get. No, I'm- No apps? Yeah, I'm just- No Raja? I'm on the Raja.
I figured you would. Raja, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it, yeah. Is that what it's called? Raya? Yeah, it's called Raya.
Then what did I sign up for? You got banned? He got banned from a few apps. I got banned from all of them but Raya.
Wow. Really would.
Raya, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on it. Is that what it's called? Raya? Yeah, it's called Raya.
What did I sign up for? You got banned?

He got banned from a few apps. I got banned from all

of them but Raya. Wow.
Really?

Guess why? This is even better. Why do you think

he got banned? I didn't

know you could get banned. Oh, you can.

You can. Was it politics?

No.

Nudity?

No. No, no.

But very accurate. Very accurate.
Yeah, no. But very accurate.

Very accurate.

Yeah, yeah.

Is your hashtag bring money on the date?

You got banned from being Asian?

How dare you?

Wow.

You son of a bitch, dude.

He lied about his age.

Wow. On all of them.

That's okay.

I thought that's okay.

It's not.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, I said it was 34. He was reported.
I'm 52. And what happens is.
Wait, that is not even like, you can't dance around that. Like, did I tell you? Well, I kind of lied.
I'm about 19 years old. I mean, you know, I don't know what to tell you.
Two decades is a lie. But they could just Google me and my age my age is on the internet so it's like that's not what i was doing it for i mean can't they see the picture of you running from the 9-11 towers you said back in grade school you said you were in grade school you're a day trader yeah um no what because when you're 52 you get matched on those sides with other 50 people because they're younger.
I know. Women in their 30s are like they're cut off points 40.
Okay. Right.
So you're not getting them in. They're not getting your profile in there.
And there's a reason for that. I'm curious.
They are not interested in 52-year-old men. I understand.
But can I... Let me defend myself.
Go ahead. I will.
Please. Who's aggressive now? I'm sorry.
So let me defend myself. Please.
I'm going to. You're thinking about how.
I'll defend him. I'm not thinking about how, right?

Dude, this is what he does.

Relax.

I'll defend him.

He's a young 52.

A very young 52.

No, because by going to 34 and I've gotten on dates, you know what I mean?

And then they go, yeah, my thing's at 40, but I'm glad I met you.

It's like I play young.

They want you to lie.

They're forcing you to lie.

They're forcing me to lie. They shouldn't have that thing on there.
The age thing. Right? All is welcome.
That's what it should be called. All is welcome.
No, it's all famous people. They don't want the trash in there.
That's exactly right. Right, right, right.
Yeah. Oh, I'm a doctor and I work with...
Get out of here, loser. Get out of here.
There should be a scale where you can lie About your age To the amount of money You have in your bank account Yeah The higher the bank account The more you can lie Wow Yeah What about that Sugar daddy thing I mean you'd be the awesome Like I mean come on You know what I'm saying Oh yeah So there are sugar daddy sites You don't want that Do you want that I mean Yeah But let me ask you About the sugar daddy sides

Yeah

How much money are you

If you're a sugar daddy

Yeah

What's the limit here?

What do you mean

A limit of what you have to spend?

Yeah

Because I

There are

There are sugar daddies

I've been on them

Right

And then it's like

You know what I mean

They're asking for a certain amount of money

I'm like that's insane

How much money are they asking for?

So what would you say

Like you know what I mean

Like 50 grand a month

I don't know

50 grand a month?

To keep them in the lifestyle

Why not just get a hook

Or it's so much cheaper

I know

But some of them are... money that I'm asking for? So what would you say like, you know what I mean, like 50 grand a month? I don't know.
50 grand a month? Yeah, to keep them in the lifestyle. Why not just get a hooker? It's so much cheaper.
I know. Well, that's his expertise, the guy with the backwards hat.
Carlos is a, that he loves paid friends. Paid friends.
Yeah, you don't have to go on Seeking to get like a hot girl though. Can we go on Seeking and look at the profiles or no? What's Seeking? It's the Sugar Daddy site, right?

Can we just look at the see what's available here?

Oh, look at that. Oh, you have a profile?

You have one? I had one, yeah.

But the girl I saw

she died like two months later.

Oh.

I knew this would lead to a cold case.

What's even funnier about this is that you were on Seeking. Yeah, but what? You don't have any fucking money.
You have no money. Because they're not all, they're asking you for 50 grand.
Say no, you're worth more. Right, they're asking you for $50.
Oh, shit. You get the bus pass girls.
They call us salt and pepper daddies. What does that mean? What does that mean? It means it's not all like sugar oh a little bitter that's a little bit yeah so how much money do you think is uh like if a girl goes well i just need three grand a month i i well i'm i would say no to everything even if i was single i'm not fucking paying you four grand to hang out that's insane that's the i think you had to put them up in an apartment and sometimes i'm around the world yeah Yeah, yeah.
Some of them are like that. This is if you want a total disconnect, and if you just want-

Yeah. out that's insane that's the i said you had to put him up in an apartment and sometimes i'm around the world yeah yeah some of them are like this is if you want a total disconnect and if you but if you just want yeah okay i don't i know that disconnect no don't do this because they're here you know that's not true i like disconnecting he wants to find love so far he's lying yeah you know you do this would be so weird and you wouldn't get any sort of connection whatsoever it'd be fucking weird yeah well then you have, then you have to do it like everyone else in this town.
You have to shop at that Ralph's. That's right.
That seems to be the place. The rock and roll Ralph's on Sunset? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good one. You go down there, man.
It's crazy. That is a pretty good...
There's some hot chicks there. But more rock.
Yeah. Also vampires like yourself.
You know what I mean? You're not into that? What kind of... You just like a a you don't like tats and stuff like that they have to be taller easy which is everybody and everybody and maybe taller right they have to have some education what what some form of education you know like give me some gd no what about above what about street smarts me.
Wait a minute. You don't have a college education.
Why do you care? That's why I want to breed. Yeah.
I want to breed with something. Everything he doesn't have, he wants to partner.
Do you like? We connect. Yeah, I get it.
Okay, so. Attractive? Very attractive.
Very attractive. That's a big one, right.
They have to have. driver's license yeah yeah yeah some semblance of to vote yeah of culture you know what does that mean well they have to just like basically what i'm saying is the things that you know you know that when we the other day i was telling that like you it's odd that you know certain things i like you surprise me all the Yeah Like I want that People that read No no no The people that just have They're just kind of like Oh I know about Rembrandt Or I know about It's from reading That's how you get it Oh really Yeah It's not like you're bit By a historian And all of a sudden You have all the powers It's not like Spider-Man.
In 1476. That's so funny.
I think those are all accessible. I think those are really good.
You didn't say anything crazy. Nothing crazy.
Actually, the range of women that he has dated, because I've been here for all of it, is it's actually pretty great. You haven't had a typical, they all kind of have a different style, a different look.
They've all been pretty cool. Some of them you haven't liked.
There's been, there's one I'm like. You didn't like her either.
What the fuck is it? I know, but you said, I don't like that. You know when you know right away when your friend is with somebody and you're like, oh my God.
Yeah, how could I? I can't wait till you find out. Oh yeah, that's what you have.
I can't wait till you know that this is a terrible idea. But the one thing you didn't say was sense of humor.
That's right. Yeah, sense of humor.
No, you don't want that. No, I do.
You didn't say it on your list. But I don't want, here, I've dated hams.
Breathe. Yeah, I've dated like, you know what I mean? I'm on a boomy, ba-da-na-boomy.
You know what I mean? Like hammy people, I don't like that. That's terrible.
Is that a real song? I don't even know about it. I'm on a booty.
I'm on a booty You know what I mean Like hammy people I don't like that That's terrible Is that a real song I don't even know I'm on a booty I'm on a booty You know what I mean I don't like that You know what I mean I like you know Like little sly jokes You know what I mean Just gotta get your stuff right A little roast Like a little roast Yeah that's nice You know what I mean Witty but laid back Not like your improv one class Yeah Exactly Yeah I don't like sketch I like a sketch artist Like a sketch player Like what you do Yeah I don't want me You don't want you for. Yeah.
Exactly. Yeah.
I don't like sketch. I like a sketch artist.
Like a sketch player.

Like what you do.

Yeah.

I don't want me.

You don't want you.

For the opposite.

I get it.

I think so.

You want a complimentary partner.

Yeah.

And also, I need somebody that isn't against, that loves the culture of Korea.

Who doesn't love the culture of Korea?

Yeah.

This guy.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, I want somebody that like, you know, I was on it, the girl last week.

Yes.

And, you know, I go, have you ever had Shabu Shabu?

Have you had Shabu Shabu?

I was just in Vegas.

I didn't see him playing anything.

Is that a magician?

Is that a contortionist?

Who is that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shabu Shabu. I know him.
Yeah, he was the roommate of Sirhan Sirhan. Thank you, Bobby, for drawing my memory of culture.
Shabu Shabu. You know Shabu Shabu, Louis? Boiling water.
It's the grilled stuff? Oh, no, it's the boiling water. It's boiling water.
And it's fucking phenomenal. I can't recommend this more.
If you're a big foodie, dude, go to a Shabu's place while you're here i'm down do they make you cook it yeah i don't like that no no it's i need someone else i understand what you're doing yes you can get them to cook it they don't it's fine the places i go they don't they don't like to but you choose your broth right so it's like you know there's always a variety of five like bone broth a tomato broth hot pot hot pot is correct that's correct okay all right yes that. Okay.
All right. So like, you know, last week she's like, and she goes, well, she's from the Midwest.
She's like, I haven't even heard of that. Yeah, that's okay.
Yeah, but that's not fair. I mean, maybe she just called.
No, but she did go. She was like, but I'm willing to try.
Yeah. And she went and she had a great time.
She's like, I love this. Did you say, what is this garbage? And like spit it all out on an American flag.

God, what are you doing to me?

My point is I want them to like be able to like, you know, try things.

Yeah.

Well, she did wear Trump shoes to the date.

You did say that turned it off.

What?

No, no, she did not.

The gold ones, the gold ones.

The limited edition gold ones.

You want the kind of girl you can just sit on the couch and watch a movie with, right? would the movie be? Go ahead Oh Go ahead Parasite? What would it be? I hope you know the Korean cinema Well like you know I've done like Old Boy with a date Squid Game No that's a series It's too long Well it depends on how much you like her Yeah oh that's true You start with Old Boy then you get Squid Game A good movie is Memories of a Murder. It's too long.
Well, it depends on how much you like her. Yeah.
Oh, that's true. You start with Old Boy, then you get the Squid Game if you can.
A good movie is Memories of a Murder. Of a geisha.
Oh. Memories of a Murder.
I understand that. It's good? It's so good.
And so, you know, a Korean film. And then that's it.
Have you guys seen Old Boy, by the way? Yeah. Which version of it, though? There's like two.
The Korean? The Korean. That's the one.
The other one, I'm not so sure about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So good. Korean one'm not so sure about so good Korean one you gotta watch it someone gave me like a bootleg when it came out this was back when there were bootlegs and like right when it got good it started skipping Kevin Shea got me a bootleg that started skipping Kevin who? Kevin Shea I'm not supposed to mention him on here sorry I'd like you to mention more very good would your lady also be like she smokes like she's not that's not like why i quit for a while i just started smoking again okay you know he's giving me shit about i'm giving him a little bit of shit because we're trying to put it away but it's uh he's i quit for two years and then oh what what made you jesse our opener oh when we go there we have an opener yeah and she smoked and you know and every once in a while, I'd be like, I have a drag.
And then all these guys, everyone was fucking smoking. And then it was like, you know, then he started sneaking them.
And then he had the back guy. He's out of control.
It's so crazy how it grabs you. It's tough.
I've heard it's the most addictive thing, like more than anything else. But there's nothing like it.
Really? There's nothing like it. The vapes don't, you know what I mean? The dipping, it just, it's...
You are so right, buddy. Yeah.

A pack a day would.

Oh, more than that, no.

Wow.

But I would say, do you kind of regret the two years you didn't smoke?

What'd you say?

The two years that you took off?

No, because look.

What happened?

He would just dip the whole time.

Oh, well, there you go.

Hands in cans of dip.

Now, that's hard to find a lady that enjoys that.

I know, I know. Gotta go down south.
You kind of look like you run a bucky's anyhow so this would be great got a sale on jerky and dip i mean what are you looking for dave uh everything you just said i thought that was great except that korean knowledge stuff i mean maybe we'll watch a mash you know occasionally do you guys think it's actually harder to meet someone because you're successful and famous? I've said that to him all the time. I'm happy that I'm married because now that he's single again and we go out on the road and like, you know, our nights usually end in such dramatically different ways now where like me and some of these bozos will get food and then he wants to go on the hunt.
No, no, no. The hunt.
He's on the hunt. I'm on the hunt, yeah.

He likes to fish.

That's what we call it when he goes.

I know when he's going fishing, when he sneaks away.

I sneak away.

And he likes to be, you know, he likes to go in his little,

we let him go into the reeds.

With my mask.

Yeah.

Do you have them like.

My swords.

I sneak away.

Very sneaky, sir.

Do you like have them put like your TV shows like on the TV at the bar?

So you're just casually like sitting there like, hey, look at that.

That's me.

Do you try and like show that you're famous? They'll put on new car smell on the TV at the bar. So you're just casually sitting there like, hey, look at that.
That's me. Do you try and show that you're famous?

They'll put on new car smell on the bar sometime.

This is perfect.

No, Louie.

Well, what do you do?

What does going on the hunt mean?

Why don't you just wait till after the show and meet someone after the show?

I don't know how Dave feels about it, but I don't think in the last 20 years I've hooked

up with somebody that didn't know who I was before.

Well, I'm just going to say this, buddy. You know what my lady is? Merch.
Yeah, that's right. Hey, guys.
Bobby, you got to get with religion, and that's merch. That'll take all the energy out of you.
Put up a link right here to Dave's merch, please. That's his lady.
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Please don't leave, Dave. I'm not leaving.
Go ahead. It's just distracting ahead.
It's just distracting. You know what I mean? I can't do this talk.
What are you searching for prunes? Love it. Wow.
What do the prunes do? Wow. Did you do any schooling or not? No.
No, what do the prunes do? It's weird when an Asian guy doesn't know anything about produce. That is just really weird.
What do they do? Yeah. They move things through the body.
It's God's oempic. So anybody? Prune? I'd love a prune.
Throw me a prune. I would love a prune.
Bob, you want a prune? I like prune. While you do your speech.
Good thing it's easy to hose down these plastic chairs because... Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'd be careful with those guys. Thank you.
You're not used to them? Just one of them, right? I'm serious. I'm not fucking around.
One prune is going to fuck me up. Be careful with them.

Are they going to make you poo? Like a lot.

Yeah, you're going to shit a lot.

Yeah, but one prune isn't going to knock me out.

No, you've got to eat a bunch.

If you're not used to it.

Alright, relax. Louie,

one prune. I don't want you getting high

off prune, man.

Leave me alone, dude. I'm making my own choices.

What about dates? Is dates the same as prunes or no here no oh eat all of them well this guy sad here you want some no holy she's gotta eat all of them hello these are delicious i'm bobby lee it's a healthy choice oh my god i gotta shit anyway let's um what are you plugging dave i got the hot crust buns on net. That just came out.
Check that out. This is the recorder.
Oh, look at that. It's the top ten.
Or as they call it in the Middle East, the saxophone. Now, I'm going to take you through it because I know we got a lot of homeschoolers in the room who never played the recorder.
It's a musical instrument. It's somewhere between a flute and a bong.
All right. I hate watching myself, but seeing my bags under my eyes, I think tells the whole story.
Yeah. What'd you shoot that Cobb, San Francisco? Great crowd.
And my crowds are really good. He'll tell you my crowds love to kind of ruin you for other crowds because they're so they really are.
You guys show sometime How's that room It's so That ceilings are so high I love Cobb, we're about to go both do it Yeah I know, I haven't done it in You remember the punchline, the old punchline I love that one Yeah that's the thing, some of those clubs they really spoil you too But I like Cobb's and I really love the crowds up there They totally like, there no filter with them they like it hard they're good but the punch line i mean if you guys could just sell less tickets i'm telling you it's the best we talked last night about um about cobs uh because i said it's so funny that years ago there was like this weird i don't know narrative sometimes comments would be like oh san francisco like they had this idea it was all bullshit yeah it was all bullshit like they were like oh they're tight up there or they're you don't think so i do i do not every time i've played san francisco it doesn't feel the way that i was prepared for it to feel because they're your fans no but even when i've known when i first was starting out touring when i first did when i first played uh punch you know whatever it was still great i mean maybe was also just a little, I think I was expecting worse and so it turned out, I was like, fuck, this is great. I don't know.
But I think that, that narrative was just filled into our brains for some reason and I just assumed the worst but now, even more so, it's phenomenal. I mean, I have so much fun when I go out there.
because that was always a big comedy town. San Francisco was like, a lot of great comics came out of there, you know, Ali, of course.
Right, me. And Louis, I have so much fun when I go there.
Cool, because that was always a big comedy town. San Francisco was like- Yeah.

A lot of great comics came out of there.

Allie, of course.

Right, me.

And Louie, that's where you started, right?

So you feel like it might've been tight, huh?

I find it.

Every time I go there, I'm like, it's beautiful.

Maybe I could live here.

And then I do a set, just trying to work out around town.

I'm like, nah, I couldn't. I can't work out here.

Oh, wow.

But that's different.

That's at the little bar shows where I'm just working out between- I feel like that's bar shows in any city are going to feel a little unwelcoming. Maybe.
Being in New York for so long, because I've been living there for 15 years, it changes. The West Coast, up and down the West Coast, the crowds feel different than- Except for San Diego.
San Diego is from- San Diego and Irvine are both pretty dope. Yeah, I love them.
We have so much fun in San Diego. Yeah.
Much fun. Yeah.
That That's because he's from down there too, so it's chaos. I never did.
Yeah, I love it there. Yeah.
That show we did there was magical. We get like an all Mexican audience down south and it's my fucking favorite.
It's my fucking favorite. Wow.
It's great. They want a party.
Yeah. They just want a full show to just go nuts.
They're not, they're, they're live right away.

There is no like warming them up,

you know?

It's awesome.

Yeah.

And they are loyal fans too.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Bobby,

you've done like towns,

you've done like that Southwest circuit that like,

you really have to be like,

you know,

it definitely is like the Tex-Mex circuit,

like Corpus Christi.

Yeah.

I loved it.

I've never,

like I've never played there.

Wow.

You never did any of that?

No,

because it's,

whatchamacallit, I'm, you know, El Diablo Blanco. Right.
I'm a white man. They just hiss at you? Yeah.
I've done El Paso. That's fun.
Have you done El Paso? All the Texas fans. Oh, my God.
I played the Mal de Oyo, the Evil Eye. Some kind of Mayan shit.
Yeah. But, you know, there's some markets i've never even played like like montana north dakota have you done those we're trying to keep trying to do it do a tour stanhope doug stanhope was the only guy who really like has like paved the path through those kind of areas where he just get in a van and go from like bar show to bar show to bar show yeah that was like Wyoming, Montana.
Bisbee. I played the Dakotas, you know, but not like he has.

So.

Hmm. is where he'd just get in a van and go from like bar show to bar show to bar show.
Yeah. That was like Wyoming, Montana.
Bisbee. I played the Dakotas, you know, but not like he has.
So he's always the guy like, you know. Where to go.
Yeah. When you were living out here, did you ever do triple runs? Do you know what that is? Maybe just a little bit, but I never did the full one.
Is it somewhere like scissoring? Oh, how about a triple run? There was a guy who used to make a thing. Look at that.
Dave Tribble. That was his name back then.
And he would get young comics to play like C-Rooms. And you would do- Holiday Inn.
North Nevada, Montana. You do Idaho.
And you do small little- Yeah, Stanhope, I think, talked to me about doing them a few times. They'd be like six to ten hours apart, so your days would be fucked.
Yeah, yeah. You're in a van, you're driving.
Yeah. And I lost money.
I got two speeding tickets trying to make the shows. Really? Yeah, and I lost a bunch of money.
Oh, man. Wow.
And I was crying the whole way home. I was like, I'm fucked.
I can't think of that. Yeah.
So sad. It's sad how there aren't good flights anymore.
I guess I took it for granted all those years,

like flights to Idaho, flights, all these different things.

It's so difficult to get to these towns,

but I still miss doing the towns.

Yeah.

What's your favorite town?

What do you like?

San Diego is your home base.

Go ahead.

I'll tell you my favorite clubs.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

I don't know the way you said it's funny. Yeah, I want to get involved.
Here we go. Comedy on State Street.
That's a great one. Fucking love it.
Yeah. Denver, their comedy works downtown.
Okay. I'm not yelling at you.
All right. Just give us one more and then you can let it out.
No, I want to keep going. All right.
All right. I got another one.
I know what it is. I bet you Nick I mean I love him Great fucking guy So good And after you do the week there does he give you like a bat with your name on it Like just he's a little something Yeah something like that I know you have to fly and're gonna have to get this new airport security yeah you know you don't mind carrying this wooden train that these prisoners they're big fancy but even when you i've stopped by like when we play clinton i stopped by the club that's nice and he was there and he was so like you want a meal yeah let me make you something like he's like the nicest guy i wish i went you didn't let't let me go.
And then there's that little alley, printer's alley, they call it. Yeah, printer's alley.
That's what it's on. Oh, that's right.
That little alley with the coffee shop and the restaurants. Yeah, so tight.
And then they used to have one in Bellevue, in Seattle, called Parlor Live. Yeah, the parlor.
It's no longer there anymore. Yeah.
What's in Seattle now? What club is up? Laughs. But it's weird.
It's one of those cities where it's like there's not really a big club. There's Laugh's, but yeah, everything keeps shutting down.
Why do some cities don't have a major... Like Boston, does Boston have one? Wilbur.
The Wilbur Theater has kind of taken over. It's not a comedy club.
There used to be a big comedy club. Well, Knicks was there, right? Knicks and Laugh Boston.
But they're both smaller clubs. It's weird.
Portland has a better scene than Seattle, and Portland's a smaller city. Healy and Portland.
Awesome. Oh, yeah.
Of the improvs, DC Improv. The best.
Give it up. Allison.
Oh, so good. Yeah, this is great.
Oh, my God. Yeah, but also, they don't give you the money you want.
Sorry? Well, it is in a basement. We're only going to give you this amount, and that's it.
This is what we give every... I'm like, yeah, but I'm going to sell it out.
Yeah. Is this recent or years ago? Maybe 10 years ago.
Okay, well... It's different now? You're going to get more money now.
Okay, okay. All right, okay, Dave.
All right. Fuck, man.
I mean, honestly, otherwise play the Kennedy Center. But here are towns I don't like.

Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh, really?

I'm going there.

Pittsburgh improv.

I can't wait.

Prove Bobby wrong and come to that show.

You like it?

Yeah, well, it's fine.

It's just, what was I going to say?

It's me.

It's more about the flight.

That's the direct flight.

So I'm in.

Okay.

Direct flight.

Big deal.

Oh, I have some shit right here, and I want to talk shit right now.

Let's hear it. Hartford, Funny Bone.
No. And Virginia Beach, Funny Bone.
No. Fuck them.
Wow. They had me one time, right? One fucking time, and then I try to go back, and they're like, it's not for us.
Really? Yeah. It's not for us.
It's not for us. Wow.
Because I show my little pee pee. People love that.
It's for everybody. Everyone knows.
I can see in Connecticut, because that's a rough market. I mean, there's no...
I play the casino there. That's what you should do.
I've never heard of a company being like, I will sell out your club. And they're like, no, thanks.
Yeah. Well, the contingency is his penis.
I mean, that's... Well, I didn't...
It's not like I pulled it out. I I pulled it out.
I'm wild. Yeah, you're crazy.

I'm free and I'm wild up there.

But the beauty is you're not for everybody and they're not for you.

So that's a good way to put it. Yeah, but it's a business, right?

So if I'm selling tickets.

Don't you ever just want to rent out the parking lot across the street, say I'm doing my own

show and say fuck you to them?

Yeah.

I just fantasize about that all the time.

Didn't Stan Hope used to do something like that?

He did that at the JFL, right?

At the JFL thing. And who's got the last laugh? It's Doug.
Am I right? I win this one. He would outlive JFL.
Did he really do that? Yeah. He had his own party.
It was dope. He rented out a car wash and he just had it in the car wash.
Yeah. Wow.
And everybody kept dripping away and going over to his party. Because it was fucking incredible.
Yeah, it was awesome. Oh my God.
Why would you want to go to JFL if you could do that? Yeah. Because they dissed him in some way or what? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was also that, but he also kind of, he just likes making fun shit take place and just a place for comics to go.
He doesn't like all the laws. Corporate hubbub.
Well, it was like, the cool thing was, it's always, you know,

those parties up there,

like,

they're kind of parties,

but you're kind of schmoozing,

so it's not really fun.

Yeah.

And also,

agents don't know how to have fun,

and,

you know,

execs don't know how to have fun.

He made an act,

he had an actual fun party at JFL.

Right.

Mostly for comics.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Doug is my favorite comic,

so.

Of all time,

you think?

Yeah.

No,

I think Doug,

nobody doesn't like him.

No one ever,

he's like,

whatchamacallit,

he's the original,

I think.

Who's your least favorite comic

of all time?

Well, it's... Of all time you think? Yeah.
No I think Doug nobody doesn't like him no one ever he's like the whatchamacallit he's the original I think. Who's your least favorite comic of all time? In this room? So you dim the lights again.
Did you have a story where you and I when you and him stopped talking for some reason was there like ever a fallout with you guys? No. When you guys were writing together why did it stop? It was we were writing together for like four days when I opened for him.
It wasn't like, it wasn't like months and months of writing together. I thought it was a thing.
No, no, no. It was a brief, it was a brief.
And he moved. Yes.
I tried to talk you out of it. He would come to New York, he's like, you look pale, go back to LA, everything sucks here.
Because you were the, I'll be honest with you, out of all these years of riding with so many people, you were the best one.

Thank you.

That's very nice.

No one takes it more.

He really does the work.

But he understands also the way I talk and my voice.

And he was able to like cut around the fat around the setups and stuff so we can get to the thing.

And you're just able to like get my cadence down.

Oh, thanks.

And so, and then you moved.

And like the couple of jokes that we did,

I still have it in my act sometimes.

That's awesome.

And it's like, come back.

Wow.

Well, I'm back, so let's do it.

You live here now?

Yeah, I'm here in New York, but I am here, yeah.

No, but I thought it was going to be like,

we only worked for four days,

and then we wrote The Karate Kid.

Like, they just ate together.

It was just, he's football, and I'm writing it down, and then I'm playing this guy and i'm like mr miyagi and he's like watch out daniel and it's like this boom next thing you know emmy i mean whatever that is awesome let's come back man but i would love to work with you again that would that would it's well maybe i mean i mean how many dates do you do with dave on the road every headliner he's very his own guy. Yeah, less and less as it is, but yeah.
Awesome. Okay, I don't want to downgrade you as a feature.
My bad. As a headliner.
I know that you're a headliner. Congratulations.
You have your own special and everything. I do.
Congratulations. It's on YouTube.
I know. Not everyone can get on there.
It's on YouTube, all right? How many hits? Over a million. Watch out, beheading videos.
Watch out, Islamic Jamahad. I'm heading your way.
Anyway, welcome back. I'd like to be your wife, too.
Oh, yeah, you should. She's really nice.
This would be great. Your wife makes a mean, what is that again, turnip soup? You'll love a great give me a name something i didn't buy a ukrainian bride this is she's a she's not turnip soup she's a very nice lady italian lady from west coast from the west coast she's from the west coast and we met in new york i think when you live in new york you're kind of still drawn to california people yeah um so not dave yeah well he's from new york you know yeah dave is there a date where you're going're going to be like, okay, this is I'm getting I mean, is there an age where you're going to be 60 next year? It's going to either happen then or no, it's either that or I started dog sanctuary.
I figured this guy like one of those things like, yeah, you know, the dogs get me. Yeah.
But you think you can you see yourself doing it at 70? No, I don't think I'll I mean But I'd say 60 I probably made it next year But I already did a will So Did you really make a will Yeah But do you Because I can Like I have arthritis In my hands now No You do Yeah yeah I'm just I can feel myself getting old That sucks My knees Those nunchucks really do When you mishandle them all the time, it just gets your nunchucks. That's true.
Oh, so you're thinking now's the time. Now or never, right? What do you mean? With a woman, right? You want to get a marriage? Yeah, I think I'm...
Well, I talked to this girl this morning. She's just had a baby.
Okay, so that's the girl you're kind of hoping to be? No, no, no. I'm just saying, no, no.
She was telling me... She goes, Bobby, I'm'm telling you i don't know why i didn't do this earlier this is the best thing that's ever happened to me no how old is she she's probably 34 well that's a good age for it right right i'm trying to i'm trying right now i'd like like like right now no not right now no but she is ovulating like so i have to go and bust it.
You want to get out of here?

No, I mean, we'll see what time we get. How old are you?

I'm 44.

That's another great age.

Yeah.

It's a good age.

They're all good ages.

They're good ages.

And look at your staff of young men over there.

What does that mean?

Great fathering years.

Our vampire, Andre, he's 116.

But Dave, you regret not having a baby?

Yeah, I'm regretting it. I'm regretting it right now.
Really? No, I do. Yeah, I mean, like, you know, relationship, whatever, but it would be nice to have some kids, but honestly, you know, the lifestyle we have is not very conducive.
A lot of the road stuff is just, you know, endless amount of travel and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, I would like to, you know.

Yeah.

But you could tell me Steve Martin did it late.

Well, but he's a genius, though.

Everybody always brings him up.

There's a lot of legendary comics.

But Albert Brooks, these guys are like one of the kind genius.

Dave, you are that.

Yeah.

All right.

But I can't see me and my son on a triple run.

Dave, Dave.

Son, you ever been to a comfort in Montana? Son. But you know you're a legend, right? I don't like this kind of talk.
I know, but I'm just saying. Don't say it.
I know, but you're like somebody that's like. Don't.
I know, I'm going to. No, I don't.
What are you smoking for? We're all in this. I'm not smoking.
I'm just getting nervous. We're all in the trenches together.
I know, but I'm just. Dude, let me say.
Oh, you want to smoke. Yeah, I want to smoke now too.
What I want to say is, like, I have Asian kids come up to me and go, oh, man, dude, like, thank you. And you're, you know what I mean? And I go, I haven't made it yet.
You know, that's the feeling. I haven't, like, I'm still trying to discover and get to the next level or whatever.
So it doesn't feel,

it feels like I'm old when they say that,

but in,

in it's true to them.

Yeah.

No,

they,

they look up to me and they,

when they were young,

they saw me on that TV or whatever I might be.

Wait,

what?

I'm listening.

Okay.

So it was about me for a minute,

wasn't it?

Yeah.

That was great. No, but I liked it.
i wish you could both accept that about yourselves and start talking shit to yourselves in your heads you know yeah yeah easy dr seuss whoever you are so dave isn't no but i was gonna say but whenever somebody comes at you with that like dude you like you don't know man like you like you it's always your worst day it's it always for me it's like oh my god my catheter fell out what are you saying yeah yeah but yeah no you hate it i i'm just not a compliment guy but i i understand like we've been doing this for decades and the thing that that people really don't understand is that you know the the the best comics are the ones that are fun hang off stage and on stage you're definitely both of those, man. It's just you're a good guy and always good to us.
So it's a scene. It's a lifestyle.
It's a lifestyle, yeah. I think a lot of the new comics, they come in and they kind of go like, do you have any advice? They'll say, and I'll be like, well, get comfortable shoes because you're going to be standing in front of comedy clubs probably for the next 20 years.
You know? Yeah, yeah. It's that kind of thing.

Take care of your feet.

And it's never what they want to hear.

But it really is like you got to, like, commit to it, you know?

And once you can, like, there's nothing more you'd ever want to do.

It is unbelievable.

I mean, you never think.

Because remember the early days where you're like, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I mean, what was your backup plan?

There was no.

I didn't have one. With your love of art and yeah and so I just just remember going how and then I'm so glad I didn't quit yeah if that's what that's what it is just just not quitting well there's just hard work and talent but yeah not quitting is I know you gotta have that I believe more in hard work than talent but I agree that there are some people that are just like get gifted at this but i'd say that the uh the hard work especially like you know when things like you have those those highs and lows and when like you're like we talk about this all the time like just it's no new material i can't believe it like we're trying and listening to tapes and all this stuff and then they finally get like the the clouds part and like god look down on you or whatever okay great well this will keep me going until the next run and when you first start that's what it is you're like oh my god I figured something out that'll keep me going you know that's it that's it I like it is something happening under the table no No Nothing? No I'm I'm absorbing What you just said The information Yeah And that's right I have to take more risks That's what it is Is that what you got out of it? I think I got out of it You gotta move You gotta start I would love to Keep saying that Well we should just Unless I just move on from it I don't wanna talk about me Oh alright So we're not going to do it again.
What about do you exercise? Yeah, I do. What? I think that's a little personal.
What do you do? I think it's a little personal. Sorry, my bad.
My bad. No, I just had my shoulder operated on.
And that was like six months ago. And then you have to ease your way back in.
Okay. So I do like a little hotel workout.
But this is the guy really, he knows, he actually goes to the hotel gym, which I don't like to do. He does that.
He's that guy. Yeah, I can see that.
I love it so much. Yeah, yeah.
You do? It keeps me kind of sane, a little sane. Yeah.
Especially because it's like, I like the scheduling of it all. Because if I say I'm going to go get coffee and write and read and hang for a minute, then I'll go, make sure I just go to the gym from this time to this time.
Then I feel like I'm good to not. Yeah.
You know what I mean? I feel like it frees me up in some weird way. I can't sleep if I don't do some kind of exercise.
I got some kind of crazy energy or something. I'll go sometimes on the road.
I'll go for super, super late night walks. I'll just walk for a while.
Really? And I'll get tired. Yeah, I'll just think it out, put stuff down on my phone, and then I'll be exhausted by the time I get home.
I like to walk as well. Yeah, love it.
What? When we're on the road, I'll wake up, and then I'll go to the lobby, and he's already had a full day. Full day.
Yeah, I'll have had a full day. He's got golf clubs, you know, he brings running suits.
I mean, he's got all kinds of things. Meetings he had.
And I'm literally just like, I'm just like, what day is it? And I just just feel like i started a small business by the time but it's like um like will you just wake up at eight in the morning it's like seven o'clock every day seven like when you're on the road what time do you wake up i don't really sleep on the roads i i keep falling asleep in my clothes which do you really because there's something about like you put that hotel tv on and it's always like movies like oh my god lord of the rings the trilogy and i'll be like i'll just watch a few minutes and it's like the whole thing goes and i'll just wake up my clothes and i'll run downstairs to smoke so i'd say the majority of my action on hotels is going out to smoke coming back in uh reassuring the desk guy out front that i'm not um you know a threat you know you know, and then I'd like to walk. That's what I do.
And, you know, I, I, I think especially if you're like, it's rare to be in a downtown now. It's usually all these clubs are out out of town.
So you're like walking on highways, you're going, you know, like all these weird things, but when you're downtown, there's a lot to do. So, or at least walk around.
So that I try and do, do you try to get hotels with balconies so you can smoke in the balcony you can't do that they don't want you to do that oh really yeah every uh every fun thing about smoking has been it's gone even in vegas they don't they there's very few smoking hotels now it's funny there's a hotel we're playing in vegas and there's a hotel right near us that is part of the chain of hotels that they own and one of them is non-smoking and non-gambling, and it's like right off the strip. Wow.
Who was that for? It's called Aria or Aria. What is it? Aria, right? Yeah.
What is it, an Amish? It's so strange, though. It's non-smoking, non-gambling.
It's not a casino, or is it- Just a hotel. Just a hotel.
Oh, wow. Which is right next to where we're playing, and it was weird because they talked to us about that.
They were like to stay at this this or whatever what do you want to stay there no why because i want smoking and gambling that's fucking las vegas don't they have a lot of clubs there in the corner though man what's that i just don't they have like nightclubs and stuff there isn't like it's still like no dancing there no no dancing no thomas footloose and the lights that are an illusion it's actually there lights. That's CGI.
No, that's just the brightness of the people in there. We're such good people.
Hey, great. I would live there.
I like Vegas. If I was in a second city, I would probably live there.
Really? Let's move. I'm with you, buddy.
Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
Let's do it. They got great restaurants now.
They do? Yeah. 24 hours.
24 hours. Yeah, you were talking about that.
Access. Save a couple of bucks on taxes.
Really? Yeah. Nevada, no state tax.
Yeah. Nicolas Cage.
Oh, we got to go. Nikki lives there, you know.
Yeah, Nikki's there. That would be cool.
And Pauly Shore. Pauly's back now.
Oh, yeah, he's back. There's a lot of guys we know that live there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And stage time.
What's that? Stage time. Doesn't Regan live there now brian regan yeah regan doesn't move there yeah

yeah but there's that club wise guys have you been there no it was great really it was the one like off the strip it's like oh like uh it was in the strip mall and i'm telling you like it was so much fun like uh jeff ross was in town so he came by did shows with me and wow it was just uh the locals they get it you know like talk about a more jaded crowd like you know they like live with these Cirque du Soleil people.

So it's like,

when they,

yeah,

you know,

and it's also like pretty,

pretty,

uh,

big coin out there to go to see any show. It's so expensive.
So, like, comedy is pretty reasonable on that level. But, like, amphitheater style, not so much.
What's the room seat? Probably about $400. Oh, wow.
That's great. Yeah, I want to play that.
You would kill it. Yeah, I'll play that.
Let's do a little sneaky one-nighter there.

Yeah, let's do a sneaky white.

That'll be fun.

No, sneaky white?

White people are sneaky.

I'm sure.

You've never seen the movies?

Oppenheimer.

Sneaky, sneaky.

Pearl Harbor was sneaky, but what they did, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

And then, bam, bam.

We all die.

Put a Japanese person in that movie, man.

No.

What?

Oppenheimer.

Yeah.

It's already over What do you mean It's done I know We can do it again Oppenheimer too man Well you were the one You wanted more black people In Black Panther Yeah I did The limit What kind of Too small for me Too small He wants more Bigger The whole country More He wants more God. There's a documentary on, I've never talked about this on HBO, about, oh, my God.
What? About what? About fucking Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Oh, right.
Yeah. And then the people, so people ran into, like, these vats of water.
This is the fun part of the show. Yeah.
It took a turn. You're going to love when this goes.
When the bombs hit, have you heard of black rain?

Yes.

What is it?

That's the radiation coming down with the soot and all kinds of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When the bomb, that's the actual material stuff that goes up off the initial blast.

But people got so thirsty, they drank it.

Chemical. Oh, no.

Yeah.

And then.

Well, with the nuclear explosion, they had shadows of people that were just melt it actually into the sidewalk. Sidewalk, yeah, yeah.
Cement. Why'd you wink at me just now? You winked right back at me.
I know. You know why I winked at you.
We love it. That was actually a cool movie.
That was, what's his name? Michael Douglas. Yeah, I like that one.
Oh, yeah. Black Rain.
Black Rain. Could you ever be like an action person?

That's actually the best because there's very few lines for people like us.

Like, watch out.

You're being-

Bobby would be great in an action movie.

Thank you so much, Louis.

Two days ago, I got offered one.

Yeah.

What is it?

The lead of a fucking action movie.

Yeah, what is it?

It's a doppelganger where I'm a doppelganger.

That's great. You got to say the word first.
Yeah. You're a boggleganger? A doppelganger.
Quite frankly, I think I'd be a good assassin. I do think you would be a great assassin, my friend.
Number one, I don't sleep. That's right.
Right? And I'm very focused. Like when I'm playing Stardew Valley, it's a farming simulation game.
Sorry. Yeah.
For his ancestors. For my ancestors.
Yeah. I'm very focused, and that's why I'm good at video games, is because I like grinding, so I'm very good at noticing things.
Would a scope be hard for you to look through, though? I'd get a different one more adjusted to my eyes. Yeah.
And I think I could sit there. Put your arm straight up.
Can you hold your arm steady? Put your arm straight forward.

Why?

Just straight up.

Are you going to shame me?

No, how steady is your hand?

That's the whole big thing about snipers.

Oh, bro.

Steady hand.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Steady hand.

Look at that.

This is great.

That's shaking.

You do yours.

Shaking.

No, it's not.

Look at it.

Yeah, me neither then, man.

That's pretty good.

You guys are both pretty good.

I think you can both be snipers. Thanks, Luke thanks it looks like you both were hiling a young hitler hey little guy keep it up yeah keep it up young hitler coming soon one day you will be great i'm sorry to funny our way out of that yeah oh that was good that was during the 92 la yeah that yeah yeah good old days do you remember that yeah i was here the koreans were.
Yeah. Yeah.
Good old days. Do you remember that? Yeah.
I was here. The Koreans were.
Yes. Up on the fucking storm.
Oh yeah. Fighting.
Look at him laughing. Oh, I got cash on the block.
Okay. The lorak.
Thank. Why don't you thank our guests for being on the show? Thank you.
We're really going to end on that. Yeah.
I want to let that sit down.

Why?

Why?

It's always nice.

Oh, we did a long time.

It's always nice to put him

in that spot.

Did we really do a long time?

Yeah.

Awesome.

See, we're breaking it, dude.

Over an hour.

I love it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That was long.

It was good.

Thanks for having me, man.

So let's plug.

Dave, a Netflix special?

Yes.

Hot Cross Buns.

Hot Cross Buns.

Yes.

Netflix right now. And big thanks to all the fans who've been watching it, supporting it, tweeting it, all that stuff.
And my comedy friends, awesome. Dude, I can't thank, respect, love to you guys.
Thank you. Louis Katz.
Yes, I got a new special on YouTube, and I'm going to plug some dates, too. I'll be at the- No, don't do it.
Okay. Yeah, please, please do.
Can I? I'm at Zany's in Chicago, and I'm at the Punch the Punchline San Francisco and I'm in the DC Improv also go to louiscast.com to get any of those tickets I will say this before we go I really do I want to give you I know this is annoying for you Dave but massive amount of props for you're always such a supporter of the comedy community and comics are my good friend Ian who you know you know yes just with Ian in Austin he crushed it check. Check out Ian.
Be an Ian. That's his podcast.
Be an Ian. And I would say if you're going to see a guy live, he's the guy.
This guy, great joke writer. I have a compliment.
We're just talking here. This guy blows me away every time I see stuff.
I have a compliment for you. Okay.
Oh, this is great. He's like a circle jerk.
Yeah. And this is the true thing.
Yeah. So any comic Thanks for listening, you guys a good night Good night No do it please Any young comic when they're like I don't know how to write or whatever I always refer to them to certain albums In Skanks for the Memories In terms of switches and just like Being in the pocket I always refer to them to that album it's one of the best comedy

albums of all time i think it is yeah it's just the jokes are so good oh thanks yeah so anyway

thank you boys thanks for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.