Mariachis Crash the Pod

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Speaker 1 Hey, everybody,

Speaker 1 My best friend in the whole world. Me.
Andrew's going on tour. He's headlining, doing new jokes, working out.
That's right. He's going to be at the Houston Improv.

Speaker 1 That's going to sell out immediately. It already is.
All right. Tampa, Funny Bone.
Yes. Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaker 1 Nashville, Tennessee. Addison Improv in Dallas.
Dallas, Texas. And finally, in San Francisco, California.
Cobbs Comedy Club. Got Cobbs.
We added two more shows for Cobbs.

Speaker 1 And we added for Dallas. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
AndrewSantino.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 What a bull sound like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dig in.

Speaker 1 Who's my little bull? Who's my little bull?

Speaker 1 Look, oh, look, it's red.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey.

Speaker 1 That's more horse. That's more hot.
That's more dog. That's more dog.

Speaker 1 What? Today. Yes.

Speaker 1 Fancy Bee's birthday.

Speaker 1 Yes, very good. Feliz Copliano, Saki.
Saki Max, very good, very good. No, you can't do the Italian gangster everything.
Why? Because we're in Spanish.

Speaker 1 Character I've been doing. Do a Spanish gangster.

Speaker 1 Do a Spanish gangster.

Speaker 1 Senor, I am Spanish gangster.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Senor, you know where the refries brains are. But do the face.
Hey, senor.

Speaker 1 Do you know where this girl is? You know where the refries brains are. Like the guacamole.
Senor.

Speaker 1 What's that? Senor. I don't like to do what you're doing with the eyes squinting.
Senor. Okay, let me try.

Speaker 1 Right? Looks the same.

Speaker 1 As what?

Speaker 1 Senor.

Speaker 1 Se senore. Senore.

Speaker 1 Senore. Very good.
That's an Asian Spanish bull.

Speaker 1 That is? Senore. Welcome to the bullhouse.
No, that's not. There's a Fernando Wong.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Carrasso. What's the word, the ring that they?

Speaker 1 Huh? In the bull ring? Yeah, yeah. Did you get what you wanted, Fancy, for your birthday? Happy birthday, hi.
Happy birthday, man. How old are you? I'm 44.
I am 44.

Speaker 1 What happened at 44? What happens in Spanish culture at 44? You have to be brutally honest with the people we're with.

Speaker 1 Go ahead then, pal.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? You taking it off? It's just so hot. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 No, just this. I'm going to unbutton and then put the hat back on.
Okay. Like this.
Good boy. Look at this.

Speaker 1 Senore. Senore.
Yeah, what's up? What happens at 44? Anything special? Oh, no. Do you remember your 44th birthday? Mine? Many, many moons ago.

Speaker 1 When I was a 40. Hey!

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Yay! What are you dressed as? Cool pants. I don't know.
Go sit in your regular chair.

Speaker 2 Feliz comple años Andres.

Speaker 1 Wow, did you bring Taco Bell for him?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because he hates Mexicans.

Speaker 1 Oh, yay!

Speaker 1 He hates Mexicans.

Speaker 1 Jules is back, baby. Jules is in the house.
Jules is back. And Jules, what do you got there? What is that?

Speaker 2 Is this...

Speaker 1 Oh, that's España.

Speaker 1 That's a great shirt. That's a great shirt.
Put it on. Really? Just put it on top of the shirt you're wearing right now.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Is this Ronaldo?

Speaker 1 Turn off your phone.

Speaker 1 Is this Ronaldo? Is this Ronaldo? They know that Ronaldo. But you know that he is Portuguese, right? Oh, that's all right.
So it's not Ronaldo. Okay.
Are you wearing a tie?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what

Speaker 1 McCone gave me. Oh, that is nice.
Good job, McCone.

Speaker 1 Rudy Jules, welcome back to the show. It's been a long time.
It's good up for the root is finally back

Speaker 1 in the house, baby. How do you feel?

Speaker 2 I feel okay. I got my brows microbladed.

Speaker 1 Ooh, let's see.

Speaker 2 This is my first tattoo.

Speaker 1 Move them.

Speaker 1 Nice. Oh, nice.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You know, talk about tattoos. Next Wednesday, I'm getting two.
What do you get?

Speaker 1 I'm going to get a comedy store logo. Oh, that's smart.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's smart.

Speaker 1 I already made the appointment. I'm going to get a comedy store logo.
I'm going to get four. Oh, okay.
Okay, so I'm going to get the comedy store logo. I'm going to get

Speaker 1 Alfred Newman.

Speaker 1 From Mad TV? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the connection? I was on the show.

Speaker 1 You were on the

Speaker 1 acting? Is that what's happening?

Speaker 1 Wait, let's say it again.

Speaker 1 Wait, well done. I mean, honestly, honestly, you step on my comment to him.
It's like,

Speaker 1 I know what's your birthday. All right, let's let him have it.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Let's let him have it. You know what? I'll let you have all the digs you want today, dude, because it's your birthday.
And I won't fucking fight back. Okay.
So go ahead, get me. I'm ugly.

Speaker 1 No, are you giving up acting with all those tattoos?

Speaker 1 Yes, I am. I'm giving up acting.

Speaker 1 You feel good? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that your birthday wish that he stops acting? Yes. Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because

Speaker 1 also, oh, I'm going to get a bad friends one.

Speaker 1 Are you really? Yeah, I'm going to get our, you know, the cartoon of our, you know, our logo thing. That you're getting that on your body.

Speaker 2 Well, what if you guys break up?

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. We've done enough.
It's a point in his life. It's a point in my life.
I've done enough. So if you know, he betrays me, he will betray me.

Speaker 1 You will betray me. In what way? Well, I'll tell you this: man, I was fucking scrolling on my fucking Instagram and I saw you win a scene with your movie with Cena and William H.
Macy and Zach.

Speaker 1 Your acting is so good. But I realized, I go, this is just the beginning for you.
Of what? Of superstardom. Nobody's.
I'm going to get betrayed. Nobody's.
I'm going to get betrayed.

Speaker 1 But I'm going to say this, right? I'm going to get the tattoo so it reminds me. Okay.
So when I'm in the crack house eight years from now, right? And I'm just like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I used to be somebody. You know, I had a dream, kid, you know?

Speaker 1 You're roping off. I'm roping it off.
And you're doing H and something.

Speaker 1 And right when I'm roping it off, where the needle is. Someone's in there with you and they're like, hey, man, who is that on your arm?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about, man? What is that on your arm?

Speaker 1 Are you done sucking my dick, man? Yeah. Okay, finish my dick, man.
You got it. Okay.
Done? Yeah. I felt so good, dude.
Thanks. Anyway, dude.
Oh, I'd be more like this.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's that tattoo on your arm?

Speaker 1 I have teeth, but I'm going to do the same as you. No, I have no teeth.
I know. I'm going to do the same.
What's that? Hey, you want me to give you a gummy?

Speaker 1 You're going to get a bad friend's tattoo, a comedy store tattoo.

Speaker 1 Alfred Newman. Newman.
Alfred E Newman. And a Tiger Belly.
Jesus. That's a lot.
I know. What does Tiger Belly look like? It's just a font.
I'm just going to do a font thing. Right.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to put a face or anything. It's a tiger belly one, though.
You should.

Speaker 1 Dude, like the ink that goes away, you know?

Speaker 1 Oh, you mean? Oh, Henna. Yeah, do Henna.
You mean a henna? Get a henna tattoo. Yeah, maybe I'll hanna it.
No, I think that's it. Who's doing them? All the same person? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's the man or woman you wanted you cared to share? Yeah, okay. I mean, I'll tell you her name real quick.
Her name is,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why I'm doing it because I had, I went to my AA meeting. Oh, that's her name, Kagla.
Kagla Cha. And she does little tiny ones.
Little tiny tattoos. They're tiny.

Speaker 1 So they barely, you can barely see them. What gave you the inspiration? Because I was having, you know, sometimes a youth fellowship after an AA meeting.
You know about that, Carlos, back in the day.

Speaker 1 Right. So afterwards, my sponsor was like, hey, come eat with us.
And normally I don't, but I did. And there was a girl that comes to my AA meeting.
She's a comic.

Speaker 1 And she had little tiny tattoos on her body. And I went, oh, those look cool.
Because they really did look cool.

Speaker 1 They're little.

Speaker 2 That's trending right now. The little ones.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're little ones. So I'm just getting little ones on my body.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? What is the tiny tattoo called? Is this kind of it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that goes like tattoo. Well, look up Kagla Cha.
That's her. That's her Kagla Cha? Yeah, that's her shit.

Speaker 1 Celebrity tattoos. So she does very famous people? Yeah, some.

Speaker 1 Interesting. They're tiny little ones.
They're like tiny ones like that. Oh, that is cool.
Look at how small they are. They're small.
And that's a constellation, I imagine, huh? Of a broken home.

Speaker 1 Is that what that is?

Speaker 1 Or it's a house made out of stars. We look at things differently.

Speaker 1 I like this, the tattoo under the tit. That's a really popular thing I see.
That's like a tattoo, right? That's a big thing. Yeah.
And she does little pokey ones. Oh, poke tattoos is cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so they're small. They're not prevalent.
So I'm just going to get four of them. Right, just in case.
What do you think? I think it's a great idea. Would you ever get a bad friend's tattoo? No.

Speaker 1 I would never get a tattoo. Why would I defile?

Speaker 2 You don't have any tattoos, C2 Andrew?

Speaker 1 You don't put a bumper stick around a Ferrari.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. No, I don't have...
You know what it is? I talked to someone last night, two nights ago at the comedy store about this. Literally, I had this conversation in the green room.

Speaker 1 You sweating, bud? I'm so hot. Yeah.
Just take off the sleeves then at this point. I mean, the joke is over.
The joke is over. Thank you so much.
I'm so hot.

Speaker 1 Just undo the sleeves, but leave the bottoms on. I will.
Good boy. And you're wearing a long sleeve.
Yeah, that's always so hot. Roll up your...
There you go. Are we good? Who did I talk to?

Speaker 1 I talked to somebody at the comedy store a couple of nights ago about tattoos. Oh, Justine Marino just got new tattoos.
Oh, the cupcakes. She got,

Speaker 1 I think so. She just makes cupcakes.
She makes cupcakes? Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, she has to make cupcakes. Oh, maybe she does.

Speaker 1 But then she was talking to me about why don't I get tattoos? I said, I genuinely couldn't tell you what I would want. I have no, I don't know.
Like, I just don't know. And what would be my first one?

Speaker 1 Oh, maybe. I'd think maybe retro.
I'd get like a Chinese symbol because I think that's out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like I'd write your name, I'd write Bobby Lee in Chinese on my neck.
Yeah. Or on my on my lower back.
Like a tramp stamp, Bobby Lee in Chinese. They hate white chicks that get them.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because in the 90s, they would get them, but these are women, these white chicks, they would never fuck an Asian guy, but they'll get the symbol. Right.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm fucking, you know what I mean, not racist. You know what I mean? But then she's like, I think back then.
And it's like, can I insert? And they're like, no. No.

Speaker 1 That was them showing they are racist. That's why they got it.
Oh. right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down with the Chinese.
That's what they're saying on their arm. That's what it says on the arm.

Speaker 1 That's what it said. I didn't know.
I want to get a Chinese symbol. I want to get a butterfly.
I should get all the tattoos from back when we were young. Your dog.
Take a picture of your dog.

Speaker 1 I would get a picture of my dog on my body. I saw a dog today that looked exactly like my dog.
Your dog. Because I've traveled with your dog.
Great traveler. May I say something? Great traveler.

Speaker 1 What do you it's like fucking Magellan, your dog. What do you mean? I mean, that's how he travels.
She, but thank you. Whatever.

Speaker 1 Don't misgender my dog. Are you being kidding right now? Cole.
Are you me kidding right now? My dog is they, them. Are you me kidding me right now? It's a girl.
I've told you that a thousand times.

Speaker 1 At this point, who gives a fuck? I do.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm sorry for misgendering your dog. Have I ever done that to your dogs? Okay, what's Goby? Goby's a guy.
No, it's a girl.

Speaker 1 It's a girl. So fuck you, dude.
Goby's a girl. Yes, dude.

Speaker 1 Yes, she's butch.

Speaker 1 She's a little butch. Yeah, she's a little butch, dude.

Speaker 1 Isn't she like the leader of a softball league or something?

Speaker 1 Yes. Koby's the star of a softball scene.
Yeah. Wow.
But, you know. Doesn't your dog drive a Subaru?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow.
Anyway, your dog, Magellan,

Speaker 1 was just like so calm

Speaker 1 on a plane. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not

Speaker 1 a bark. Not even a...
Oh. No, no, nothing.
Nothing. She would look up at me.

Speaker 1 Her first look is always like, don't eat me.

Speaker 1 I I think she's a little racist. I think she's racist.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, there's flashbacks. I'm sure that's in her DNA.
I see. But she'll at first and she's, oh, no, he's the good kind.
Exactly. Am I a good Asian? You are one of the best Asians.

Speaker 1 On the other hand,

Speaker 1 not a soga huda. Yeah, do you treat our dogs? Because, you know, you live with my dog.
Don't ever do that. Do you ever see the dog?

Speaker 1 Do you ever see the dogs in the house when you're alone with the dogs? Do you ever see them and you lick your lips a little bit? No, I don't. And you go, no, I can't.
I can't.

Speaker 1 I want to say something to you right now. And I wasn't even going to fucking mention it, dude.

Speaker 1 Your comforter. No, not my comforter, dude.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I know that a guy was over at the house that somebody's seeing.

Speaker 1 All right. And this guy.
You had a boy over? No. No.
Somebody else had a guy over. Right.
And this guy,

Speaker 1 he disciplined Julio, did he not?

Speaker 2 He did discipline him.

Speaker 1 He grabbed his neck in a power move. In a power move.
Yeah. I don't like this.
I don't like it at all either, my friend. What's going on? What is going on around town? Explain.

Speaker 2 I'm going to explain. Julio is crazy and likes to murder anyone that he sees.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 it's a guard dog.

Speaker 1 Thank you. It's a guard dog.
It's doing its job. It's guarding.
And also, does he go crazy with you?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Does he go crazy with Kalila?

Speaker 2 Strangers, he goes crazy.

Speaker 1 Does he create

Speaker 1 because he, what I love about him,

Speaker 1 he knows what he likes. When he goes to 31 flavors, Baskin Robbins, right? Pistachio, whatever the fuck.
No, always.

Speaker 1 Yep, always, whatever the fucking flavor, right?

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 I love this.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the king.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Fan.
It's Fancy's birthday, I said. That's his birthday.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hey, muchos gracias, amigo. Can we play happy birthday for him? Yeah? Yeah, let's do a happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just one. I know this one.
Happy birthday to you. I know this one.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you,

Speaker 1 hey, happy birthday to you.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hey, happy birthday, little fancies.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday to you. Hey, hey.

Speaker 1 Felice Navidad.

Speaker 1 Felice Navidad. Hey, hey,

Speaker 1 Felice Navidad.

Speaker 1 I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

Speaker 1 I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.

Speaker 1 You a merry.

Speaker 1 Do it again.

Speaker 1 Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Miss you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.

Speaker 1 Please damn.

Speaker 1 Beliza.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Beliza Vida.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
I'm more. I'm more.

Speaker 1 So good. Happy birthday.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Thank you guys very much. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much. Carlos, amazing.
Incredible. Thank you so much.
Very talented. You guys are amazing.
Thank you so much. Wonderful.
Amazing. Wonderful.

Speaker 1 We are going to get kicked out of this building.

Speaker 1 I think so. There's no way our neighbors like us anymore.
Yeah. We should move.
We should move. I think we should move.
It's time for an upgrade. Yeah.
I got to tell you, I'm recharged.

Speaker 1 I'm re-energized. I'm happy now.

Speaker 1 I'm worn out. I'm worn out by

Speaker 1 really. When I sing like that from my heart, dude, I get worn out.
You look like you took a flight of stairs? Are you.

Speaker 1 What? What? You're okay? Yeah. What's your okay? Kara Oke.

Speaker 1 Karaoke. Oh, karaoke.
Karaoke.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Is that how you karaoke? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 I'm confused. Have you ever karaoke with that family? No.
Don't. I will not.

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Speaker 1 I loved you on the thing. You know what I mean? You're a big star, dude.
Great actor. And I'm so proud to work with you.

Speaker 1 Can I just give a compliment? And I have to, and let's just do this right now. I want to talk about

Speaker 1 just the fun feelings I have for Andreas.

Speaker 1 May I give you my little monologue, if I may? Please. I met you many, many years ago at Maker Studios, and you directed me in a video.

Speaker 1 Yes. Right?

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee, what was it? Bobby Lee, the Emperor of the World. I never saw it.
Did that turn out well?

Speaker 1 It turned out very Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Not good. Exactly.

Speaker 1 We tried, you know what I mean? And then years later, I didn't see you. And then you started working with us at Tiger Belly.

Speaker 1 And then you came on to the battlefield. A dark point in your career.
Yeah. Yeah, dark.
Yeah. Low.
And I have to say, it's just been, I trust you, I think, more than anyone else I work with.

Speaker 1 You're very on point.

Speaker 1 And I, I'm just, it's a pleasure to know you. I really love you a lot.
My turn. Happy birthday.
Thank you. My turn.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I don't really know what you do here.

Speaker 1 But I guess you do good. Thank you, Andrew.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, Rudy.

Speaker 1 That's it. No, no.
I'll give you.

Speaker 1 Be real. He knows.
Yeah. You know how much I love you.
I text you often. I tell you how much I appreciate you.
I fight for you. I think you are

Speaker 1 such a valuable member of our team.

Speaker 1 Irreplaceable. You mean the world to me, and I'm happy that you're a part of my life.
And I've got you a little gift here. Here's a gift card.
McCone, come get this. From me too, right?

Speaker 1 No, it's just from me. No, you because you called me yesterday.
You go, how much should I do?

Speaker 1 No, that's fucked up.

Speaker 1 That's just from me. Did you not call me yet? No, no, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Andreas?

Speaker 1 he called me yesterday right and i go we are getting a gift card for andreas from apple yeah and i he goes and i said how much and you said 25 that's did i i can give you the fucking text right now how could you text you said it was a phone call it was a phone call story's all mixed up it was a phone call no i think you texted it 25 but look that'll get you um a cube for the wire you won't get a wire but you'll get the cube for the wall

Speaker 1 but happiest of the birthdays no that's for 500

Speaker 1 well that's good right you can get something and by the way don't think you're getting anything like that for your birthday yeah Yeah, yeah. Pal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then what is this bag out in front of us there? It's from Pete. That's from Big Petey Pete.
Yeah, he wanted to. But he wanted to give it to Fancy or give it to Bobby? It's Fancy.
Go ahead, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Open it. Okay.
Thank you. This is Fancy's gift from Pete.
And if I like it, can I keep it? Yes. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 That makes perfect sense. Should I read the letter? Yeah, read it out loud from Pete.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, here we go. Can I do it in one of my characters, my new characters, though? Wait, can I read it first like Pete?

Speaker 1 You want this one or you want mafia? Yeah, I do the mafia. Okay.

Speaker 1 I just woke down. You really think this is taking off, huh?

Speaker 1 It's amazing. Yeah.
You're buying it. Well, I'm working into it.
I'm into it. I'm working on the game.
I'm into it. I like it.

Speaker 1 I gotta get into the

Speaker 1 voice.

Speaker 1 Dear fancy.

Speaker 1 Er este puta madre y la hostia.

Speaker 1 I hope these gifts remind you of the motherland. Happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Very good. Can I see the card? Yeah, go ahead.
I'd like to read it.

Speaker 1 Can you see this guy? I like this guy.

Speaker 1 My British guy? Yeah, but we're going to do the face up. Yeah, that guy.

Speaker 1 Dear Fancy.

Speaker 1 Eriste puta madre whiny oosta. And here, too.
I hope these gifts remind you of the motherland. Happy birthday, Pete.
Let me read it in Pete's language.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hope your birthday is the best in the galaxy. This is really sweet.

Speaker 1 It's not cool that we're opening up your shit, but

Speaker 1 that's how it goes. All right, let's open the gift from Pete.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I got.

Speaker 1 What did you get?

Speaker 1 I got this Columbus

Speaker 1 t-shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Very cool. Yeah.
Huh? You know what, dude? I don't want it.

Speaker 1 I don't want it. You can have it.
Okay. Okay.
I want to see. All right.

Speaker 1 So, Columbus, you don't want. Where you come from.

Speaker 1 Okay, you got a cold double-decker taco to pray.

Speaker 1 I can already tell I don't want it. So here you go.
Is that from your bag? Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. So pathetic.
What else is in there?

Speaker 1 And this one I might keep. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 I don't have one. What is it? And I've always wanted one.
I don't know where to buy it, but I've always wanted one. Integrity? No, no, not integrity.
What is it? What do you find in hotel rooms?

Speaker 1 What do I find in hotel rooms? Yeah. When I first walk in? No, but the thing that you go to.
The swans on the bed made a no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 When we both go into hotel rooms, there's one thing we go to and we love it and it it makes us feel at home and we get to see our father.

Speaker 1 A robe. No.
A phone. No.

Speaker 1 Well, then why the fuck did you do this? A Bible. A Bible.
God bless. May I read?

Speaker 1 You don't know much about it. Really? I can tell you from.
Corinthians 4, 6 through 10. I can tell you.
I can tell you. And thou doth not sleepeth with another manneth.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Nor painteth their naileets. I can literally point to

Speaker 1 a chapter that I like and do one that's this one right here. Here we go.
Should these nations.

Speaker 1 God bless a holy Bible. And I don't want to defame this, by the way, for people that think we're making it.
It's a great book. It's a great book.
One of the best books ever written. Ever written.

Speaker 1 Number one bestseller.

Speaker 1 Number one bestseller. Of all time.
Is this the only thing that he got him? That's it? The shirt, Columbus shirt. That's it? And the Bible? Yeah.
We gave you fucking $500. What were we thinking?

Speaker 1 I know. We could have gotten away with like $50.
I know. Do you have any plans on that?

Speaker 1 By the way, we asked your beautiful wife what we should get you, and she said he's very hard to buy for so i said you'll get him a gift card i'll give him some cash please give him some cash that's what he wants more than anything here you go buddy thank you happy birthday man go get a sandwich or something you know thank you bobby if you pocket it okay

Speaker 1 mccone did you pocket that money you were supposed to give to the mariachi band

Speaker 1 swear on what come over here

Speaker 1 I swear that I did. You're blocking my camera.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know what this is. This is great.
This is great.

Speaker 1 Put your hand on the Bible. Okay? Do you believe in God, right? Do you believe in the Bible? One hand on your heart, by the way.
It has to be on your heart and the Bible. Look at me right now, okay?

Speaker 1 You have your hand on the Bible.

Speaker 1 Do you like Andrew more than me? Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. We can do this all day with him.
No, keep it on the Bible. Keep it on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 This is great. This is great.
No, no. Do you think on your heart? Do you think this is great? Do you think Andrew has more talent than me? Yes.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We should have always had a buyer in this room. Do you think Andrew's better looking than me? Yes.

Speaker 1 Will you cry harder for Andrew if he died than me?

Speaker 1 No. A good.
That's good. You would cry the same.

Speaker 1 I cry a little more for you. Look at that.
Why? Because of sadness, like empathy for me. How sad my life is.
Because you're broken. Because I'm broken.
Yeah. I don't like that.
That's even worse.

Speaker 1 That's even worse. Cry more for him.
That's even worse. Please don't even shed a tear.
I don't fucking need it from you, you fucking bastard. You a fucking cocksucker, huh? Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 1 No, I don't give a fuck. Thanks.
Oh, you're at the Bible. It's on the Bible.
The Bible's right there. Right.
Do you have any

Speaker 1 truthful? Go ahead.

Speaker 1 This is great. Remember when you fuck on the bus? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Never on the bus. Yeah, you did.
Yeah, you did. Because we caught you.

Speaker 1 I remember one night I was talking about. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Okay, cool. Did you or did you not

Speaker 1 have sex on the bus? No. Your hand is on the Bible.
Okay, what are we constituting as... Blowjob.
Bus is the theme with wheels. I knew it.
Oh, my God. I knew it.

Speaker 1 So you hooked up with a stranger on the bus and you got a blowjob.

Speaker 1 Was I in the bus? No one was in the bus. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Thank you. Your hand is on the Bible.

Speaker 1 Was somebody on the bus? Bobby was sleeping on the bus.

Speaker 1 Wait, let me ask you something. Oh, my God, dude.
So I was sleeping on the bus. And you were getting slurped.
And you were getting slurped. You were getting slurped while Bobby snoozed.

Speaker 1 But did you eat her out? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh my God. That's deep.
Fairness. Fairness.
Did you eat it? But you did fairness. Did you? Did you reciprocate? Of course.

Speaker 1 Keep your hand there. Keep your hand on the Bible.
Don't take it away from the Bible.

Speaker 1 We should do this with everybody. I agree.
I agree. I agree.
Jules? Mr. Rudy.
What? Rudy, give her the Bible. Yeah, yeah.
Give her the Bible. Yeah, yeah.
Just give it to her. Give it to her.

Speaker 1 Give it to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah. And put your hand on it, please.
Thank you. Hand on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 It's hilarious. You were sweating your ass up.
You know, can I be honest with you, dude? That was, dude, I want to say this. I know you love him more.

Speaker 1 No, I know it's not true. No, no, I'll tell you what.
That's not true. There was a point when we first met where I liked him more with McCone more, but because

Speaker 1 he was getting so much love from both of us, I had to be the bad guy. Right? So I chose.
I love you so much. I really do.
But I choose to treat you in a certain way because you can't have it all.

Speaker 1 I understand. You don't understand that.
Like, when you lost your headphones, weak, I got you, headphones. I mean, I care about you.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 don't make sup. But don't let it confuse that I don't love you.
No. Because I deeply love you.

Speaker 1 So when you, you know, when you looked at me in the eyes and said, you love him more, it hurt a little bit.

Speaker 1 But I get it. All right.
But I fucking, you know what?

Speaker 1 You know what? my goal from now on is to get more love from you. Okay,

Speaker 1 interesting. I'll give you more love.
No, I don't want it. You know he gave away those AirPods.
I know they did.

Speaker 1 See, that's what I'm seeing. He found his original pair.
The idiot didn't even lose them.

Speaker 1 Kind of like the time that you thought you left your car keys at the casino and they were in your fucking backpack.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Dumb guy alert.
Bing, bing, bing. Raise your hand.
If you're a dumb guy. The way he treats you, I would never say something like that.
He knows what's underneath it. Okay, Jules, go ahead.

Speaker 1 He knows what's underneath it. My little brother.
Put your hand on the right. One on your heart.
Your hand on your heart. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if you have one. Do you love me more than you love Andrew?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I mean, I know the answer. I'm not even holding it.
Yeah, go ahead. Just say it.
That's got to be a yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Out of the three. Oh, this is hard.
I don't know. God is watching.
God's watching. Out of those three, who do you love the most?

Speaker 1 Andres.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the second.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is.

Speaker 1 God's watching.

Speaker 1 Carlos.

Speaker 1 Right. And Macon's the third.
Does McCone

Speaker 1 give you the creeps?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 Okay. Does Carlos give you the creeps? No.

Speaker 1 Does Andres give you the creeps? No.

Speaker 1 McCone, who's kind of your age.

Speaker 1 If he asked you on a date. All

Speaker 1 hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible. If he asked you on a date, would you go on a date with McCone?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 If you're single.

Speaker 1 If you're single. You have a boyfriend.
Or do you not have a boyfriend anymore? I still have a boyfriend. Yeah, but if you were

Speaker 1 single. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. Okay.
No. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, what? Too white? Yeah.
You'd have to get a tan. Yeah, he's too white.
I want chocolate. You want chocolate.
You want chocolate. Relax, we know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kids got a sweet tooth.

Speaker 1 do you still

Speaker 1 like your boyfriend yes you do that was fast do you think you love him yes okay are you in love with him

Speaker 1 wow no no no god doesn't accept

Speaker 1 yes wow

Speaker 1 do you view me oh my god just do you view me as a family member yes

Speaker 1 Bob

Speaker 1 you know what's interesting about this it's Fancy's Day but we're we're really taking all the I know really pulling all the way down. It's that is show fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 1 We got an El Mariati, the flag. Yeah, you got a flag, you got gifts.
Shut up, Fancy. Stop bagging.
This is great. This is great.
Keep your hand on there. Yeah, hand of the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Out of all of us in the room, aside from my friend here, okay?

Speaker 1 The ones that work here, right?

Speaker 1 Just name me the person that you would be the least saddest that died. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 That's me. It doesn't matter.
It's not, you still love the person, but the least saddest. God's listening.
God's listening.

Speaker 1 We already know who it is.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's because I haven't known him.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hand on your heart. Okay, okay.
No excuses for God. God doesn't want excuses.

Speaker 1 Do you have any more questions? You're good.

Speaker 1 Should we get Carlos here? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm afraid he can't touch that Bible. That'll hurt.

Speaker 1 You might fucking melt. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Come grab the Bible and let's give it to

Speaker 1 yeah give it to carlos

Speaker 2 so much sweat

Speaker 1 you guys are all sweating on the bible it is actually very interesting it's a good whoa well you and i haven't done it yeah we will okay i want to do it i want to have a chance no what do you oh there you go yeah yeah carlos

Speaker 1 like this right hand on the bible carlos has there ever been a time where you wanted to beat the shit out of me no Hold on. Oh, wait.
Give me the Bible. I'm not mad at you in Atlanta.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you wanted to beat the shit out of me? No. Okay.
Wait, why in Atlanta?

Speaker 1 He was just like in a particularly bad mood that night, and it was like one of the only times I've ever gotten mad at Bobby. Oh, right.
I hit you hard, I think.

Speaker 1 In the back of the head or something.

Speaker 1 Did I come back and just smack you in the head or something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I forget what happened. Okay, but you made it up by taking me to Waffle House.
Yeah. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Have you been sober for the full 94 days? Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 He's the the guy. I know.
Yeah. I'm just going to test him a little bit.

Speaker 1 Have you had a glory hole recently? No.

Speaker 1 I looked up milking tables, but no glory hole.

Speaker 1 Have you ever swallowed? Hmm.

Speaker 1 God is also listening to the questions.

Speaker 1 I think he's okay with it.

Speaker 1 I think he's okay with it. Yeah, okay, both.
Yeah, you're right. Have you ever swallowed cum? Okay.
No. Your own cum.

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 We've all tried it. No.

Speaker 1 Never. What do you mean? Yes, you have in your life have tried your own coffee.
Bring the Bible. Bring the Bible.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 Bring the Bible, dude. Never have.
You know what? I don't want to play this game.

Speaker 1 I already don't want to play this game. I'm not playing it.
I'm not playing it. No, you have to.
I'm not playing it. We all are.
Fuck no. Fuck no, dude.
No, I never have. Never.

Speaker 1 Have you ever eaten your own boogers? Never.

Speaker 1 Hand of the Bible. Never.
Wow. Never.
Have you ever stuck your finger in between your butthole and smelled it? Big time.

Speaker 1 You've done that. Big time.

Speaker 1 Very good. That's good.
Big time. Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever touched another man's penis?

Speaker 1 Only with my butt.

Speaker 1 Excuse me? No hands. Okay.
I just. But you.

Speaker 1 No. No, I never have.
You never have. No, I never have.
With your leg, yes.

Speaker 1 His penis with my leg. Yes.
You've brushed your penis against my leg. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, God saw that.
God saw that. Yeah.
God liked it. I don't think so.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't.

Speaker 1 Oh, give it to me.

Speaker 1 This is going to be so hard. Are we going to get? Is this going to be bad? We're not.
No, this is not. This is being truthful.
Can I tell you, though? What?

Speaker 1 Big fan of this book. It's a great book.
No, it is a really great book. Some really good lessons in there.
Some good life structure.

Speaker 1 Bobby, hand on your heart.

Speaker 1 I really do believe in God, so this is hard.

Speaker 1 I do too. I really do believe in God.
I believe in God. What do you mean? Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Who do you love in this room the most?

Speaker 1 Jules. Whoa.

Speaker 1 You're second. Just go second.
Ask me second. Who's second? You are.

Speaker 1 Who's the least?

Speaker 1 Who I love the least in the room? Oh, come on. We know.

Speaker 1 That's a hard one. That is actually really hard.

Speaker 1 It's a really hard one. I think I know.
Yes. I think it's fancy.

Speaker 1 It's not Carlos. I think you're right.

Speaker 1 On his birthday.

Speaker 1 That's amazing, dude. But it's so close.

Speaker 1 You're so close, dude.

Speaker 1 Last bad one.

Speaker 1 All right, go ahead. You know what's funny? I tried to get you those Desidual shirts that you like so much.
You know those stupid shirts you used to wear all the time? A little bullshit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We literally tried. Oh, he's wearing one right now.
That's a Desidual shirt. Decei Wal.

Speaker 1 What? Decewal? It's spelled Desidual, right? No, Deceiwal. Decewal.

Speaker 1 We looked up Carlos and I to try to find where we could get these shirts. They're all permanently closed.
There's no stores anywhere. They went out of the street.
Only guy.

Speaker 1 He's the only guy that we know that wears these shirts. Wow.
They don't sell them anywhere. We were trying to buy him a whole bunch of them.
You can't find them. Yeah, they're not good.

Speaker 1 Where do you get them from now? Espana. So you order them from Spain.
I go there and buy them there. How much does that shirt cost, by the way? I don't know.
It's $140. But the store.
$2?

Speaker 1 In Spain, they're open in Spain, right? Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, that just shows how behind they are. And my hands are burning.
So go ahead.

Speaker 1 Hand on your heart then. Okay.

Speaker 2 Would you ever fuck a guy?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay, dude. Hand on the Bible.
No. Put your hand flat.
No. There.
Low job. No.

Speaker 1 Who? A guy.

Speaker 1 Who?

Speaker 1 Who? Who? You. Yeah, well, it is.
Give me a name. Give me a name.
Yeah. Idris Ilba.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Tom Hardy. No.
Not Tom Hardy, no.

Speaker 2 Kiss, kiss him.

Speaker 1 There's a new guy. There's a new guy that I would.
There's a new guy that's hot right now that I would. Who? You know who.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Which one?

Speaker 1 The kid in Dune. Timothy Shaw.
Time. No.
No? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Austin Butler? Elvis.

Speaker 1 I would fuck him. Hunk a hunk of burn and loo.
I would fuck Austin Butler. out of my hand on my bye ball.

Speaker 1 Liquid death. You guys, I don't care what you think about

Speaker 1 water,

Speaker 1 but I do because liquid death is the best water in town. Look at it right here.

Speaker 1 I won't even go around town with no other water. Here's the deal.
I love liquid death. I asked them to send us cans before they ever sponsored us because I love a tall boy.

Speaker 1 I want to walk with a tall boy and feel like a tall boy that I am. It even makes Bobby a little bit taller.
He used to be 5'4 ⁇ . Now he's 5'5 after drinking Liquid Death.

Speaker 1 Look like a 5'5 right now, dude. Mandatory disclaimer, Liquid Death will not make you any taller.
But Liquid Death is delicious. They come in different flavors.

Speaker 1 Sparkling lime, and my favorite is Mango, Mango, Mango, Mengo.

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And Bad Friends. How about Bad Friends? Yeah, Bad Friends.

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Speaker 1 Liquiddeath.com slash Bad Friends.

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Nothing like a little spring cleaning in your pants.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, I'll fuck.

Speaker 1 Why do you

Speaker 1 know chance? No chance. Yeah, he's not, you're not his style.

Speaker 1 You know what he's so funny? You know what's so funny? No chance. Here's why you just said that.
Because I said that I love you the least.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to be in my hand in the Bible, dude.

Speaker 1 It's so close. I can't even.
You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, it's so close.

Speaker 1 I love all three of you.

Speaker 2 Who's the second to the last?

Speaker 1 Of who I love? Macon. It goes you, me, Carlos, Macone.
Yeah, exactly in that order. It's not hard.

Speaker 1 Because I've known Carlos for so long. Yeah.
You know, I love, I feel, you know, empathy for him. There's a sadness about him that I just root for, you know? It's in his eyes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are we done with this part? Yeah, but be nice to it.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Can I have it? Yeah, go ahead.
Do you want this? Oh, you left some gook on it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think we should leave it. Is that where the word comes from? What? Yeah.
You left some gook on this.

Speaker 1 That's where gook come from. You left a little bit of gook on this.
You want to say gook, go? Just say it. No, it's gook.
All right. It's gook.
Gunnak is gook. We know gook.
It's a Midwest term.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You left some gook on this.
Yeah, I did. You gooked up my Bible, didn't you? It did gook out up.
You know?

Speaker 1 How have you been?

Speaker 1 We haven't seen you in so long. How have you actually been?

Speaker 2 I've been good.

Speaker 1 Just.

Speaker 1 Well, she has to go back to redo your

Speaker 1 visa. She might not come back.
Seriously? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thanks to colonization, here's how Filipinos can become Spanish citizens in just two years. Do you want to join Spain? Well,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 1 You would become Spanish?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like their language is so hot to me. Like, I just want to fuck everyone.

Speaker 1 Okay. Jesus.
No, you don't. No, she does.

Speaker 1 Can I be honest with you?

Speaker 1 I don't need the Bible for this.

Speaker 1 You've expressed some things to me about women.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 1 I think you may

Speaker 1 prefer them. Okay, I'll still fuck Spanish women.
Yeah. Okay.
They do have women there. I know they do.
They have men and women there. Yeah.
Not just effeminate men like fancy.

Speaker 1 They have men and real women. They have beautiful women there.
Gorgeous. Stunning.
Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 Big butts.

Speaker 1 And I like them. I cannot lie.
I love the big ones. Cannot lie that much.
I like them. I like flat ones.
Really?

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 1 You got a little, you got a little. I like a a good shitter.

Speaker 1 I think you got to have a nice shitter.

Speaker 1 That's fine. No, you got to have a nice thick butt.
Because now we're

Speaker 1 excluding so much. Well, it's easier for you to get in from the back.
That's why.

Speaker 1 God, that hurts so bad. Well, it's true.

Speaker 1 Too much of a barrier. You can't fuck a big butt girl.

Speaker 1 You'll never get there. You'll never get there.
But I can try. Your dick will be whispering at it.

Speaker 2 Is it better with big butts?

Speaker 1 Sex?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do they cry?

Speaker 1 Big butts are the best. You You can hold on to them.

Speaker 2 But do they also grip the dick?

Speaker 1 Yes, they do.

Speaker 1 Yes, they do. They do.
So, you remember that guy that got his hand caught in the fucking canyon and he died? Or he chopped his hand off? You mean 127 hours? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's going to be my dick in a big butt. Yeah, that's right.
Yelled to cut it off.

Speaker 1 You hear me? Cut it off. I can't get there.

Speaker 1 You have to slice it off.

Speaker 1 Natsie, do you remember? What's your most memorable birthday?

Speaker 1 What's a a great birthday memory?

Speaker 1 I think exactly 10 years ago, George and the guys took me to the desert

Speaker 1 and we did a huge party there with a lot of my friends. Was there mushrooms and acid involved? Yes.
Did you do drugs? I did do drugs. What did you do?

Speaker 1 I forgot the cactus thing.

Speaker 1 What? Ayahuasca?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Is that the Peoti? Peyote.
Oh, Peyote. You did Peyote.
Who had Peyote in your group? George. It's got to be George.
Yeah. What is his deal? Because you know, he has chickens and eggs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. He does all that.
Peyote, eggs. He's so weird.
He loves it. So you smoked Peyote.
Uh-huh. Some of my friends started running around.
They fell through cliffs. It was really fun.

Speaker 1 You enjoyed that. Oh, it must have been a wild time.
Yeah, wild time. But now,

Speaker 1 you're a dad. You're an old dad.
I'm here on my birthday.

Speaker 1 Okay. Which is better.

Speaker 1 Well, it is okay.

Speaker 1 Did those guys get you a mariachi band?

Speaker 1 Okay. True, true.
I mean, they took you to the fucking desert. I'll take you to the desert.
I wonder what I want September when I'm 53. You're thinking about your gifts already?

Speaker 1 I want a band.

Speaker 1 I want a band.

Speaker 1 I want what you got.

Speaker 1 I want clothes. Yeah, but you want like a famous band to come play for you.
You wouldn't say that. Green Day, get me Green Day.

Speaker 1 You want me to get you Green Day for your birthday? Yeah. I think they would do it.
Yeah, for a lot of money. No, I think they would.
What do you mean? I know them. So they would play your 50-30?

Speaker 1 I think if you ask Billy Joel, he'll come here and do an acoustic song. Sure.

Speaker 1 In our studio. Yep.

Speaker 1 Okay. He sent me coffee.
Oh, that's the same thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think I could ever convince a famous band like that to ever do. I mean, you could do it.
You have that kind of pull. I don't have that back.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 This guy, I swear to God, can I just tell you? I mean, I can't even. What are you talking about? I'm not friends with you.
It's just the

Speaker 1 I have with people in this town. It's just like you're on fire right now.
I'm not talking to anybody in the town. I'm just saying, you know, so many people.

Speaker 2 Do Andrew, I have a question. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Here she is.

Speaker 2 Is Zach Efron really,

Speaker 2 really hot?

Speaker 1 Ask me. I met him too.
And he smells good. He does smell very good.

Speaker 2 Is he just like so heavenly?

Speaker 1 He's very, he's a very pretty man.

Speaker 1 You know, Tito Babby got to hug him for 10 seconds straight. How did it feel?

Speaker 1 Mucho, mucho. You know? Mucho, mucho.

Speaker 1 Is he just all hard he's hard to me he's just a when you look at his eyes are beautiful he's got such a great face it's chiseled but can i say this too he's super sweet yeah he's a great guy like he's a great guy i know you could just tell like you know he just got you know i mean he was just so real with me and so nice and and um

Speaker 1 giving so was john i mean well that was a great you know that was a great um encounter it was a good moment in time for me loved it it was and you know what you'll never get to meet him.

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 1 I thought about bringing you, though, didn't I? I said, Maybe should we bring her? No, would you bring her? Why, you don't want to meet him? No. Why, I don't want to meet your heroes type of thing.

Speaker 1 He'll let you down?

Speaker 2 I just don't want to.

Speaker 1 But also, Jules,

Speaker 1 she admitted to me the other day, she gets recognized now on the streets. Really? Finally.
Yeah, it's

Speaker 1 like embracing it. I don't like it.
You love it, kind of.

Speaker 2 No, because I'm just like, I don't use my brain when I go out, and then they're just like, Rudy, and I'm just like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 You're really different than when you're here. Is that what you're saying? Whoa, snipe, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then why'd you meet Miss Long Beach?

Speaker 1 Who's Miss Long Beach? Huh? We had a big Long Beach show that you didn't show up to. Oh, yeah.
What was that about? Because I had to.

Speaker 2 We were fostering puppies, and no one had.

Speaker 1 Oh, you fucking bitch. Creature of the night.
I know Fentanyl was going to walk in here. Yeah, dude, you came at a bad time.
This is uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah.
Get in here.

Speaker 1 Get in here, you fucking lady. Is it time? Yeah, yeah, come on in.
You don't want don't want to do it?

Speaker 1 Hi. Do you remember her?

Speaker 1 Doesn't your back hurt when you walk? You just seem like your back hurts when you walk. It's just big.

Speaker 1 Piece of shit. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Oh. How are those? Good? Those are great.
Yeah. 1099.
Hi. How are you? McCone, say hello.
You didn't say hi?

Speaker 2 Hi, Alex.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Be nice.

Speaker 1 Carlos, say hello. Hi, Eleanor.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because you've known Carlos as much as

Speaker 1 a long time. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And you saw him do stand-up back in the day.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't call it stand-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. His one-man show.
What would you call what Carlos used to do back in the day?

Speaker 2 Get on stage. Get on stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he would go.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He would go up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, talk. And then he would run down.

Speaker 1 Who's his generation? Who was around?

Speaker 1 Like, Aster was around. Was Tony Hinchclapp back back then? Yeah, Tony, you.
Bad ad group. Who bought

Speaker 1 out of all the people that were in that group? Hi, how are you?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 answering that.

Speaker 1 So, Eleanor was a waitress at the store for many years. Yes, and then

Speaker 1 server, she became a stand-up. And she

Speaker 1 went. I think you're the only person that went from server,

Speaker 1 at least at the store, to become a paid regular at the store and become a legitimate headliner comic. Is that true? Are you the only two?

Speaker 2 Well, because I didn't start as a comic. So, yeah, I think that's what any waitress that turned comic, Mitzi got rid of immediately.
They were terrible.

Speaker 1 Wait, well, they were bad, or it was like part of the thing where she was going to.

Speaker 2 No, they were just terrible.

Speaker 1 Are there servers now that want to do stand-up that hasn't done it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like Punky Johnson. Yeah.
It's pretty incredible, but she started as a comic.

Speaker 1 Right. And then she got a job there.
That's incredible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So what she did, I think, is more impressive.

Speaker 1 No? Done SNL. Yeah, I think that's a huge thing.
Wild. Giant.
But you led the way.

Speaker 1 You led the way. You're the Ellen.
I am. You're the Ellen.
Yeah, I'm the Ellen.

Speaker 1 And I like this look on you. Do I look nice? No.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Eleanor.
I like it, though.

Speaker 2 It's all so good. Thank you.
It's vanilla. I can't get white enough.

Speaker 1 I just rub it in. What does she smell like, Eleanor? We never really know because she kind of wafts in and wafts out.
Lean in.

Speaker 1 Lean in. Are you mommy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, sniff.

Speaker 2 She smells good. Why'd you make me do that?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but you did it.

Speaker 2 She smells very good.

Speaker 1 Not like the jungle or anything like that, huh?

Speaker 1 Give me the Bible again. Give me the Bible again.

Speaker 1 Give me the Bible again. It smells nice.
Eleanor, I want to say something right now. My hand.

Speaker 1 My hand on the Bible, right?

Speaker 1 I fucking hated you so much for so long.

Speaker 2 You don't need the Bible for that.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I know. For so fucking long.
And when you started becoming a comic and then you became funny,

Speaker 1 it used to burn my soul.

Speaker 2 So you're saying I wasn't funny before?

Speaker 1 No, I know. I just, no,

Speaker 1 I didn't really know you that well. I think when I, once I moved to LA, we became, we hated each other.

Speaker 2 No, it wasn't instantly. We used to hang out.

Speaker 1 A little bit, yeah. What happened? Yeah.

Speaker 1 We've already gone through years of talking about it. Yeah, well, we're on the show now.

Speaker 1 I know. All right.
Well,

Speaker 1 you know, Bobby. Yeah, he's, yes.
That's it. Yeah, okay, that's right.
You know what? Fucking rude. I get it.
I actually get it now. I've had problems with many, many people.

Speaker 1 But you solve them. Amazing.
I don't solve them. Some of them are still problems.

Speaker 1 But guess what? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, you will go down fighting.
Good. You should.
You know what I mean? I'm going to be that guy. Yeah.
Who's that guy? You're going to be

Speaker 1 what? Who is that guy?

Speaker 1 Fucking.

Speaker 1 What do you see? An idiot. No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 How come he's not wearing any getup?

Speaker 1 He had it on. He got you.
I was a fucking. Oh.
Oh, my God. Jesus gets sweaty.
He gets really sweaty. Right.
Really thick. This guy right here has

Speaker 1 those bullets. Oh, you've got bullets.

Speaker 1 I got a sombrero on. Yeah.
Right. I also have a fucking

Speaker 1 COVID mask. Yeah.
I have a COVID mask, right? It's sort of like a...

Speaker 1 Anyway, I got guns. You do have guns.
Right. I'm a smoky too.
Yeah, big time. No, because I've been in a fire.
No, you've been smoking again. That too.

Speaker 1 Right. And that's who I am, a warrior.
And

Speaker 1 I will start a war. But you just said you're not a hunter or a warrior.
Yeah, you did say you're not a hunter at all. No, I am a hunter.
I just pick pick and choose.

Speaker 1 But Chocolate Swirl is more of a hunter than you are. He's a leader of the pack.
Anyway. A leader.
Eleanor, are you promoting a movie or a T.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a big movie. Yeah, my special.

Speaker 1 Are you promoting a particular...

Speaker 1 What the fuck was that? Are you promoting something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know she's promoting a special. I know she is.
Eleanor, tell Bobby what a comedy special is. Or, I mean, your comedy special.

Speaker 1 That came out wrong. Wait, can I ask you a question? That came out wrong.

Speaker 2 You still don't have a special? No.

Speaker 1 Why? Why?

Speaker 2 You just don't want to.

Speaker 1 I'll do what I'll do. Every day is a special for Bobby.
Okay. That's right.

Speaker 2 Special means.

Speaker 1 It does. It does.
It does. That's fair.
It might be. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll defend Robert right now. I'll defend him.

Speaker 1 I don't want to. It's not.

Speaker 1 You're here on the program, right? To talk about your special. Yes.
It has nothing to do with me. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 let's talk about his.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 Bobby hasn't put out a special because he. Nobody wants to do one.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 No, people will do one with you. I think you don't want to do it because

Speaker 1 you're a little afraid of it because it's a daunting task, as any comic knows. It's a fucking nightmare.
It's a nightmare. And you've chosen to not and still had a successful career.
So why?

Speaker 2 It's pretty impressive, but it's amazing. But you've done Comedy Central presents and things like that.

Speaker 1 Nothing. He's never done any TV.
Shut it. I did the tonight show a a long time ago.
I did a premium blend. Premium blend? A couple of K Locos.
Yeah, you did two K Locos. A couple of K Locos.

Speaker 2 That's a thing, though.

Speaker 1 It's not like a full whatever, but.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you guys a question, if I may.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm in a corner. You still have a great career.

Speaker 1 May I defend myself? I'm not offended. I still have to say that.

Speaker 1 May I just say my piece? Let me say my piece because everyone's giggling at little school children right now.

Speaker 1 Beyond my back. Okay, laugh.

Speaker 1 Fun time.

Speaker 1 Laugh.

Speaker 1 Laugh at my expense. Bob.
No, I'm not done. Eleanor, tell us something special.
It's called.

Speaker 1 Let me talk, though. No, fuck you.
What's it called?

Speaker 1 Fuck you. Shut up.
What's it called?

Speaker 2 No Country for Old Women.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that. I love that.
Oh, I like that. That's a great one.
Tell me it's not spelled C-U-N-T.

Speaker 2 I wanted it.

Speaker 1 I know you did. I know you.

Speaker 1 But you know what's going to happen is the streamers will be like, we can't broadcast. Yeah.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 No Country for Old Women is so good. When is it going to be released? It's out.
It's out right now. I loved it.
I loved it. Yeah, you loved it.
Tell her your favorite joke. I sent you a.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you did. I think I did it.
You did send me something, and I never looked at it. I'm so sorry.
Interesting. Yeah.
Tell us your favorite. Oh, the thing when you go,

Speaker 1 that's your favorite bit.

Speaker 2 That's my favorite bit.

Speaker 1 That's such a good opening. That's your bit.
Oh, that is, yeah, yeah. Where did you film it?

Speaker 2 At the store in the original room. The best.

Speaker 1 That's great. I talked last night about how that's the greatest room.
There's something about that that's magic.

Speaker 2 Really,

Speaker 2 I got lucky. Like, my friend Lexi directed it and she like loved.
She was a comic with Carlos and I like back in the day when we

Speaker 2 Lexi Shoemaker. Thanks, dude.
She really lit up the room perfectly and like kept it because I really wanted to show the OR.

Speaker 1 Did you do it in a weeknight or a weekend?

Speaker 2 Sunday.

Speaker 1 Wow. Perfect.
That's great.

Speaker 1 One of my favorite nights in that fucking room is Old Sunday.

Speaker 2 It really is. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 It's just Sunday and like. The energy is.

Speaker 1 What's the worst night in the OR? This is a better question.

Speaker 1 Tuesday.

Speaker 2 Tuesday. That's up there.

Speaker 1 We just did this last night. For some reason, I set Brennan goes.

Speaker 2 Even a Wednesday could be too.

Speaker 1 Sometimes, but Tuesday is... I don't know what Tuesday is.
It doesn't. Last night I called.
Let's change that, by the way, audience people that go to the comedy. Let's do it together.

Speaker 1 Cut it out on fucking day. Last night I called you.
Why?

Speaker 2 Bad set. I had a terrible set in the OR.

Speaker 1 He called me, and honestly, of all the years that we joke on the phone, this was like a, I actually felt bad. I told him I'd come meet up with him because he was being genuine.

Speaker 1 He was like, I'm really really in a bad place. And I said, Well, what's going on? I got like honestly concerned.
I thought something maybe happened. God forbid.
And he goes, I'm embarrassed.

Speaker 1 I fucking felt embarrassed. I got in my car the moment I got off stage.
I did the same thing. He goes, Somebody stood in the front.

Speaker 1 Somebody was there's a fucking. All right.
What? Go ahead. What happened? I can't believe it.
One of the servers was like, the gay guy. Okay.

Speaker 1 He happens to be gay.

Speaker 2 So, what did he do?

Speaker 2 He was stood there.

Speaker 1 He was standing there in the middle.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a setup of a joke. Are you in the OR or main room? Main room.

Speaker 1 He's standing in the front of the fucking, just standing there. Taking an order.
I don't know what he's just standing there like this.

Speaker 1 Pulling focus. And I wanted to, I was so mad.
I was going to go, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 Because you were there when the Mitzi was around. How fast would that person be fired?

Speaker 1 Fast. Immediately.
Same night.

Speaker 2 I'd have to ask them to leave and just take the tray out of their hand.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But this is what happened.

Speaker 2 It happened a million times.

Speaker 1 Oh, because you know, when you were serving, people were not to be seen.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 1 And this is what happened last night.

Speaker 2 Store, it's called the comedy store. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 She said that all the time. Thank you.
Wow. I walked off stage.
I went to the manager. I got in the car.
I called him. It was literally like, I think I'm going to drink.
Yeah, he really was.

Speaker 1 You were in one of those weird places where I could

Speaker 1 work.

Speaker 1 So when you bomb like that, it's embarrassing.

Speaker 2 Listen, I bombed in the OR last night and I got, everybody was like, hey, where are you going? I go, I got to get something out of my car.

Speaker 1 and I just left yeah isn't that funny we all do real twat you look at your shoes and you go I gotta get yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna get a you know what my trick is when I want to go what I go I'm on the phone I gotta

Speaker 1 I go fuck I'm sorry I gotta I gotta take this and then the moment I get in the car 1 a.m. phone down driving sad staring off into the abyss

Speaker 2 what what wall could i hit will that ever go away no i hope not no because that means you care you still care that you didn't do well or whatever i'm sure you did fine but you had that moment that made you rethink everything.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you did fine.

Speaker 2 No. No, you did.
Even the piano player was like,

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he always plays.

Speaker 1 Chris. Yeah, Chris.

Speaker 2 He always is fun. And he was just like.

Speaker 1 Eleanor, can we talk about your special is available right now? Yeah. No country

Speaker 1 for old women. You see it right now.
Yes. YouTube.

Speaker 2 It's on the comedy set. I mean, comedy.
I keep saying that. Comedy store YouTube.

Speaker 1 Comedy store YouTube.

Speaker 2 You know how Mitzi always wanted the comedy channel? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So she, we, we had all this paper, like she had everything made up to comedy channel, comedy channel. And then the comedy central took it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she lost her fucking mom. Yeah, she should have.
But she still had all that paperwork.

Speaker 2 So a lot of times I'd send stuff out and it'd be like on comedy channel letterhead and comedy channel envelopes. And she's like, just use them.
And I'm like, okay. So

Speaker 2 I went, and people are like, what the fuck is the comedy channel?

Speaker 1 I'm like, I don't. I don't want to get into it.
Yeah. It's a subsidiary of Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 And you would make me use those to send mostly to the comedy store in England to tell them to stop and using their name.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 So why am I standing there? I can't wait. I want to watch it.
I haven't taken a good picture in that club since I fucking got in there. Every time they get a photo of me, I'm like,

Speaker 1 I'm like a gangly moron in the hallway.

Speaker 2 Like, how did you beat Down syndrome? Like,

Speaker 1 how long did you and Andrew dedate? I forget.

Speaker 2 Like five years.

Speaker 1 What's What's that like?

Speaker 1 I mean, Andrew died. Andrew Dice Connecticut.
What's that like?

Speaker 2 It's like our videos.

Speaker 1 It's an exact. That same relationship when you guys are together.
They're screaming at each other.

Speaker 2 Same thing. Constantly.
Always.

Speaker 1 You know, when dice. That's the appearance.
Every time he sees me, he'll pull over and we'll talk for an hour. That's how much I love him.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he loves you too.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's what a great guy.

Speaker 1 Legend. No, I don't know him.
I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 2 We really had a lot of fun together. Oh, that's the SAG Awards when he did

Speaker 2 Star Isborn.

Speaker 1 Shit. Oh, yeah.
He was played. He was great.
He played Lizzie Gotta.

Speaker 2 He was great in that. So he didn't have a girlfriend at the time.
So he was like, hey,

Speaker 2 we're nominated as an ensemble cast.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 So he was like, I don't want to go by myself. I feel like a dick.
So I went with him.

Speaker 1 Did you guys have a blast?

Speaker 2 We did. We had so much fun.

Speaker 1 Did you meet Lady? Eddie Griffin?

Speaker 2 Of course. Eddie Griffin was there.
I was on set with him most of the whole time. But Eddie Griffin was there.
So I'm more comfortable. Eddie was in the movie.

Speaker 1 Did you see the movie? Yeah. Eddie Griffin was in Starsborn? Yeah, he's a star.

Speaker 1 It's about him. It's him and Bradley Cooper.

Speaker 2 They're besties. Dave Chappelle was in it.

Speaker 1 I know Chappelle was it. Eddie Griffin.

Speaker 1 All the good comments.

Speaker 1 All the good comments. The scene, though.
Okay, let's

Speaker 1 end the pie. We sit so long.
What's your problem? We promote the

Speaker 1 screen. I loved her.
You didn't even watch it. I love a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I love you.
And I'm going to watch a special. I want to promote it.
I want you to watch it and give me notes on what you like. You know what? In fact, I'll go on my Instagram.

Speaker 2 I'll just give you two clips. Can you watch a clip? They'll watch a clip.

Speaker 1 Not only that. Send me a clip on my Instagram and I will post it on my Instagram.
I don't even know where it is. Okay.
Yeah. But I need some followers.

Speaker 2 Do you favor? I do have followers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it'll be great. I need some followers.
Well, you're going to get them from this. Eleanor is

Speaker 1 one of my favorite people.

Speaker 1 I love her so much. I love her more, but it's fine.

Speaker 2 I think that's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that Andrew. Please watch No Country for Old Women on the Comedy Store YouTube page.
We'll put the link in the description below. We appreciate you so much, Eleanor.
We love you.

Speaker 1 Hey, look in the camera, Eleanor, and say thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.