Mariachis Crash the Pod

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Not available in all states or situations. Hey, everybody! My best friend in the whole world.
Me! Andrew's going on tour. He's headlining, doing new jokes, working out.
That's right. He's going to be at the Houston Improv.
That's going to sell out immediately. It already is.
Alright, Tampa Funny Bone. Yes.
Phoenix, Arizona. Nashville, Tennessee.
Addison Improv in Dallas. Dallas, Texas.
And finally in San Francisco, California. Cobbs Comedy Club.
We've got Cobbs. We added two more shows for Cobbs.
Oh, exciting stuff. And we added for Dallas.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. What do bull sound like? Oh, really? Yeah, dig in.
Who's my little bull? Who's my little bull? Oh, look, it's red. Hey, hey.
Hola, hola, Espanol. That's more horse.
That's more dog. That's more dog.
That's more dog. What? Today is Fancy B's birthday.
It's very good. Feliz cumpleaños.
Saki. Saki, very good, very good.
No, you can't do the Italian gangster everything. Why? Because we're in Spain.
It's the character I've been doing. Do a Spanish gangster.
How you doing? Do a Spanish gangster. Señor, I am Spanish gangster.
Exactly. Señor, I am Spanish gangster.

Exactly.

Señor, you know where the refried brains are?

But to the face.

Hey, Señor.

Señor.

Do you know where the refried brains are?

I like the cockamole.

Señor.

What's that?

Señor.

I don't like to what you're doing with the eyes, Quinny.

Señor.

Okay, let me try.

Right?

Looks the same.

As what? Señor. Say, Señor me try.
Right? Looks the same. As what? Signore.
Say, signore. Signore.
Signore. Very good.
That's an Asian Spanish bull. That is? Signore, welcome to the bull house.
No. That's not.
There's a Fernando Wong. Signore, welcome to the carousel.
What's the ring that they? Huh? In the bull ring? Yeah, yeah. Did you get what you wanted, fancy, for your birthday? Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, man. How old are you? I'm 44.
I am 44. What happened at 44? What happens in Spanish culture at 44? You have to be brutally honest with the people you work with.
Go ahead then, pal. What are you doing? You taking it off? It's just so hot.
Come on, man. No, just this.
I'm going to unbutton and then put the hat back on. Okay.
Like this. Good boy.
Look at this. Signore.
Signore. Signore.
Yeah, what's up? What happens at 44? Anything special? Oh, no. Do you remember your 44th birthday? Mine?

Many, many months ago.

When I was a 44th.

Hey!

Wow.

Yay.

What are you dressed as?

Cool pants.

I don't know.

Go sit in your regular chair.

That's what's mine.

Feliz cumpleaños, Andres.

Wow, did you bring Taco Bell for him?

Yeah, because he hates Mexicans. Oh, yay! He hates Mexicans.
Jules is back, baby. Jules is in the house.
Jules is back. And Jules, what do you got there? What is that? Is this...
Oh, that's España. That's a great shirt.
That's a great shirt. Put it on.
Really? Just put it on top of the shirt you're wearing right now. Okay.
Is this Ronaldo? Turn off your phone. Is this Ronaldo? Is this Ronaldo? You know that Ronaldo, but you know that he's Portuguese, right? Oh, sorry.
So it's not Ronaldo. Okay.
Are you wearing a tie? Yeah, that's what McCone gave me. Oh, that is nice.
Good job, McCone.

Rudy Jules, welcome back to the show.

It's been a long time.

Let's give it up for the root.

It's finally back in the house, baby.

How do you feel?

I feel okay.

I got my brows microbladed.

Ooh, let's see.

This is my first tattoo.

Move them.

Nice.

Nice.

Wow. You know, talk about tattoos.
Next Wednesday wednesday i'm getting two what are you getting i'm gonna get a comedy store logo oh that's smart why why i mean that's smart i'm gonna get i already made the appointment i'm gonna get a comedy store logo i'm gonna get four okay so i'm gonna get the comedy store logo. I'm going to get Alfred E.
Newman. From Mad TV? Yeah.
What's the connection? I was on the show. You were on the- Acting? Is that what's happening? Wait, let's say it again.
Wait, hold on. I mean, honestly, I don't know if you step on my comment to him, it's like, I know it's your birthday.

All right, let's let him have it.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Let's let him have it.

You know what?

I'll let you have all the digs you want today, dude,

because it's your birthday,

and I won't fucking fight back.

Okay.

So go ahead, get me.

I'm ugly.

No, are you giving up acting with all those tattoos?

Yes, I am.

I'm giving up acting.

You feel good? Yeah. Oh, is that your birthday wish that he stops acting? yes wow yeah yeah because also I'm gonna get a bad friends one are you really? yeah I'm gonna get the cartoon our logo thing that you're getting that on your body well what if you guys break up? it doesn't matter we've done enough it's a point in his life it's a point in my life where i've done enough so if you know he betrays me he will betray me you will betray me in what way well i'll tell you this man i was fucking scrolling on my fucking instagram and i saw you in a scene with your movie with cena and um william h macy and uh zach you look your acting is so good but i i realized i go this is just the beginning for you of what of superstardom nobody's calling get betrayed nobody i'm gonna get betrayed but i'm gonna say this right i'm gonna get the tattoo so it reminds me okay so when i'm in the crack house eight years from now right and i'm just I used to be somebody I had a dream kid You're roping off And you're doing H And right when I'm roping it off Where the needle is Someone's in there with you and they're like Hey man who is that on your arm What are you talking about man What is man? Yeah.
Okay, finish my dick, man. You got it.
Okay. Done? Yeah.
Oh, folks, so good, dude. Thanks.
Anyway, dude. Oh, I'd be more like a...
Hey, what's that tattoo on your arm? I have teeth, but I'm going to do the same as you. No, I have no teeth.
I know, but I'm going to do the same. What's that? Hey, you want me to give you a gummy? You're going to get a Bad Friends tattoo, a comedy store tattoo.
Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman.
And a tiger belly. Jesus.
That's a lot. I know.
What does tiger belly look like? It's just a font. I'm just going to do a font thing.
Right. I'm not going to put a face or anything.
The tiger belly one though, you should do like the ink that goes away, you know? Oh, youna yeah do you mean henna get a henna tattoo yeah maybe i'll henna it no that i think that's who's doing them all the same person yeah who's the man or woman you want to you care to share yeah okay i mean um i'll tell you her name real quick her name is um i'll tell you why i'm doing it because i had i went to my a meeting oh that's her name Kagla Kagla Cha and she does little tiny ones little tiny tattoos they're tiny so they barely you can barely see them what gave you the inspiration because I was I was having you know sometimes you fellowship after an AA meeting you know about that Carlos back in the day right so afterwards my sponsor was like hey come eat with us and normally I don't but I did and there was a girl that's that comes to my a meeting she's a comic and she um had little tiny tattoos on her body and i went oh those look cool because they really did look cool they're little that's trending right now the little ones yeah they're little ones so i'm just getting little ones on my body hmm what are you doing what is the tiny tattoo call is this kind of it yeah that was like well look up kagla cha that's her that's her kagla cha yeah that's her shit celebrity tattoos so she does very famous people yeah some interesting they're tiny little ones they're like tiny ones like that oh that is cool look at how small they're small and that's a constellation i imagine huh of a broken home is that what that is or it's a or it's a house made as stars. We, that is cool.
Look at how small they're small. And that's a constellation.
I imagine, huh? Of a broken home. Is that what that is? Or it's a house made out of stars.
We look at things differently. I like this tattoo under the tit.
That's a really popular thing. I see that's like a tattoo, right? That's a big thing.
Yeah. And she does a little pokey one.
So poke tattoos is cool. Yeah.
So they're small. They're not prevalent.
So I'm just going to get four of them. Right.
Just in case. What do you think? I think it's a great idea.
Would you ever get a bad friend's tattoo? No. I would never get a tattoo.
Why would I defile? You don't have any tattoos, don't you? You don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. That's true.
No, I don't have. You know what it is? I talked to someone two nights ago at the comedy store about this.
Literally. I had this conversation in the green room.
You sweating, bud? I'm so hot. Yeah.
Just take off the sleeves then at this point. I mean, the joke is over.
The joke is over. Thank you so much.
I'm so hot. Just undo the sleeves but leave the bottoms on.
I will. Good boy.
And you were in a long sleeve. Yeah, that's why I was so hot.
Roll up your... There you go.
Are we good? Who did I talk to? I talked to somebody at the comedy store a couple of nights ago about tattoos. Oh, Justine Marino just got new tattoos.
Oh, cupcakes. She got, I think so.
She just makes cupcakes. She makes cupcakes? Yeah, no.
I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, she used to make cupcakes.
Oh, maybe she does. But then she was talking to me about why don't I get tattoos.
I said, I genuinely couldn't tell you what I would want. I have no, I don't know.
I just don't know. And what would be my first one? Oh, maybe.
I think maybe retro. I'd get like a Chinese symbol because I think that's out.
Yeah. Like I'd write your name.
I'd write Bobby Lee in Chinese on my neck. Yeah.
Or on my, on my lower back. Like a tramp stamp.
Bobby Lee in Chinese. I used to hate white chicks that get them.
Why? Because in the 90s, they would get them. But these are women.
These white chicks, they would never fuck an asian guy but they'll get the symbol right like i'm fucking you know i mean not racist and you know i mean but then she's like i think back then it's like can i insert and they're like no no that was them showing they are racist that's why they got it oh right yeah down with the chinese that's what they're saying on their arm that's what it it says on the- That's what it said. I didn't know.
I want to get a Chinese symbol. I want to get a butterfly.
I should get all the tattoos from back when we were young. Your dog.
Make a picture of your dog. I would get a picture of my dog on my body.
I saw a dog today that looked exactly like my dog. Your dog.
Because I've traveled with your dog. Great traveler.
May I say something? Great traveler. It's like fucking Magellan,

your dog.

What do you mean?

I mean,

that's how he travels.

She,

but thank you.

Whatever.

Don't misgender my dog.

Are you being kidding right now?

Cole.

Are you me kidding right now?

My dog is they,

them.

Are you me kidding me right now?

It's a girl.

I've told you that a thousand times.

At this point,

who gives a fuck?

I do.

All right.

I'm sorry for misgendering your dog.

Have I ever done that to your dogs? Okay. What's Gobi? Gobi's a guy.
No, it's a fuck. I do.
Alright, I'm sorry for misgendering your dog. Have I ever done that to your dogs?

Okay, what's Gobi? Gobi's a guy.

No, it's a girl.

It's a girl. So fuck you, dude.

Gobi's a girl? Yes, dude.

Yeah, she's butch.

She's a little butch.

Yeah, she's a little butch, dude.

Isn't she like the leader of a softball league or something?

Yes.

Gobi's a star of a softball team. Yes, yeah.

Wow.

But you know.

Doesn't your dog drive a Subaru?

Yeah.

Wow.

Anyway, your dog, Magellan, was just like so calm.

Very true.

On a plane.

Yeah.

Not a bark.

Not even a...

No, nothing.

Nothing.

She would look up at me.

Her first look is always like, don't eat me.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I'm sure that's in her DNA. I see.
But she'll let first and she's, oh no, he's the good kind. Exactly.
Am I a good Asian? You are one of the best Asians. On the other hand...
Yeah. Not a so good.

Yeah, do you treat our dogs?

Because, you know, you live with my dog.

Don't ever do that.

Do you ever see the dogs in the house

when you're alone with the dogs?

Do you ever see them

and you lick your lips a little bit?

No, I don't.

And you go, no, I can't.

I can't.

I want to say something to you right now,

and I wasn't even going to fucking mention it.

What?

Your comforter.

No, not my comforter, dude.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you. I want to say something to you right now, and I wasn't even going to fucking mention it, dude.
What? Your comforter. No, not my comforter, dude.
Okay. All right? I know that a guy was over at the house that somebody's seeing.
All right? And this guy- You had a boy over? No. No.
Somebody else had a guy over, right? And this guy- Okay. He disciplined Julio, did he not He didn't discipline him.
He grabbed his neck in a power move. In a power move.
Yeah. I don't like this.
I don't like it at all either, my friend. What's going on? What is going on around town? Explain.
I'm going to explain. Julio is crazy and likes to murder anyone that he sees.
Okay. It's a guard dog.
Thank you. It's a guard dog.
It's doing its job.

It's guarding.

And also, does he go crazy with you?

No.

Does he go crazy with Kalilah?

Strangers, he goes.

Does he go crazy?

Because he, what I love about him,

he knows what he likes.

When he goes to 31 flavors,

Baskin Robbins, right?

Pistachio, whatever.

No, always pistachio.

Yeah, always,

whatever the fucking flavor, right? Pistachio, whatever. No, always pistachio.
Whatever the fucking flavor, right?

Wow.

Wow.

I love this.

Wow.

Wow. Wow! Wow! Wow! Happy birthday Happy birthday, it's Fancy's birthday That's his birthday Can we play happy birthday for him? Yeah, let's do a happy birthday Happy birthday to.
Happy birthday to you. I know this one.
Happy birthday, DeAndre. Yes.
Happy birthday to you. Hey.
Hey. Happy birthday to you.
Hey. Hey.
Hey. Happy birthday, little fancy.
Happy birthday to you. Hey, hey.

Hey, my boy.

Feliz Navidad.

Hold on.

Hold on. Okay.

Feliz Navidad.

Hey, hey.

Feliz Navidad.

Feliz Navidad.

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas I want to wish you a Merry Christmas I want to wish you a Merry Christmas From the bottom of my heart Do it again Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
I miss you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. Liza, Liza.
Go, another one. Liza, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Liza, Liza.
Cross the red, Ohio, where you see that. All right, all right, amore, amore.
That was incredible. So good.
Happy birthday, fans. Thank you so much.
Thank you guys very much. Very good.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
Carlos, amazing. Incredible.
Thank you so much. Very talented.
You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you so much. Wonderful.
Amazing. Wonderful.
We are going to get kicked out of this building. I think so.

There's no way our neighbors like us anymore.

Yeah.

We should move.

We should move.

I think we should move.

It's time for an upgrade.

Yeah.

I got to tell you, I'm recharged.

I'm re-energized.

I'm happy now.

I'm worn out.

I'm worn out.

Really?

When I sing like that from my heart, dude, I get worn out.

You look like you took a flight of stairs?

It's like karaoke.

Please.

What? What? You're okay? Yeah. What's your okay? Karaoke.
Karaoke. Oh, karaoke.
Oh. Karaoke.
Is that how you karaoke? Yeah. Wow.
I'm confused. Have you ever karaoke with that family? No.
Don't. I will not.
Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad.
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I loved you on the thing. You know what I mean? You're a big star.
Dude, great actor. I'm so proud to work with you.
Will you? Can I just give a compliment? And I have to. And let's just do this right now.
I want to talk about just the fun feelings I have for Andreas. May I give you my little monologue, if I may?

Please.

I met you many, many years ago at Maker Studios,

and you directed me in a video.

Yes.

Right?

Bobby Lee, what was it?

Bobby Lee, the emperor of the world.

I never saw, did that turn out well?

It turned out very Bobby Lee lee not good we tried you know i mean and then years later i didn't see you and then you started working with us at tiger belly and um and then you came on to the back point in your career yeah yeah dark yeah low and um i have Low. And I have to say, it's just been, I trust you, I think, more than anyone else I work with.
You're very on point. And I'm just, it's a pleasure to know you.
I really love you a lot. My turn.
Happy birthday. My turn.
Go ahead. I don't really know what you do here.

But I guess you do good.

Thank you, Andrew.

Go ahead, Rudy.

That's it?

No, no.

I'll give you a real one.

Be real.

He knows.

Yeah.

You know how much I love you.

I text you often.

I tell you how much I appreciate you.

I fight for you.

I think you are such a valuable member of our team. Irreplaceable.
You mean the world to me and I'm happy that you're a part of my life. And I've got you a little gift here.
Here's a gift card. McCone, come get this.
From me too, right? No, it's just from me. No, because you called me yesterday.
You go, how much should I do?

No, that's fucked up.

That's just from me.

Did you not call me yet?

No, I'm sorry.

Andreas, he called me yesterday, right?

And I go, we are getting a gift card for Andreas from Apple.

Yeah.

And I said, how much?

And you said $25.

Can you give me the fucking text right now? How could you text?

You said it was a phone call.

It was a phone call.

Stories are all mixed up, baby.

It was a phone call. No, I think up, baby.
It was a phone call.

No, I think you texted it.

$25, but look, that'll get you a cube for the wire.

You won't get a wire, but you'll get the cube for the wall.

Thank you.

But happiest of the birthdays.

No, that's for $500.

Well, that's good, right?

You can get something.

And by the way, don't think you're getting anything like that for your birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

How?

Yeah.

And then what is this bag out in front of us there?

It's from Pete.

That's from Big Petey Pete? Yeah, he wanted to. But he wanted to give it to Fancy or give it to Bobby? To Fancy.
Go ahead, Bobby, open it. Okay.
Thank you. This is Fancy's gift from Pete.
And if I like it, can I keep it? Yes. Okay, good.
That makes perfect sense. Should I read the letter? Yeah, read it out loud from Pete.

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

Can I do it in one of my characters, my new characters, though?

Wait, can I read it first like Pete?

You want this one or you want Mafia?

Yeah, do the Mafia.

Okay.

I just woke up.

You really think this is taking off, huh?

It's amazing. Yeah.
You're buying into it. Well, huh? It's amazing.

Yeah.

You're buying into it. I'm working into it.

I'm into it.

I'm working on the character.

I'm into it.

I like it.

I just, I gotta get into it.

Yeah, good.

I gotta get into the voice.

Dear Fancy,

I hope these gifts remind you of the motherland. Happy birthday.
Pete. Very good.
Can I see the card? Yeah, go ahead. I'd like to read it.
Can you do this card? I like this card. My British guy? Yeah, but when you do this, yeah, that guy that guy.
Dear Fancy, Aristipo de Madrid,

Winey Ooster, I'm here too.

I hope these gifts remind you

to my fatherland. Happy birthday, Pete.

Let me read it in Pete's language.

Oh,

oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hope your birthday

is the best in the galaxy.

This is really sweet.

It's not cool that we're opening up your shit, but

Thank you. Oh, yeah.
Hope your birthday is the best in the galaxy.

This is really sweet.

It's not cool that we're opening up your shit,

but that's how it goes.

All right, let's open the gift from Pete.

Okay.

So I got... What did you get?

I got this Columbus...

May I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very cool.
Yeah. Huh? You know what, dude? I don't want it.
I don't want it. You can have it.
Okay. Okay.
All right. So Columbus, you don't want.
Where do you come from? Okay, you got a cold double-decker taco. Ooh, cold double-decker.
I can already tell I don't want it. So here you go.
Is that from your bag? Yeah. Oh my God.
So pathetic. What else is in there? And this one, I might keep.
And I'll tell you why. What? I don't have one.
What is it? And I've always wanted one. I don't know where to buy it, but I've wanted one integrity no no not integrity what is it what

do you find in hotel rooms what do i find in hotel room yeah when i first walk in no but the thing that you go to swans on the bed made of no no when when i when we both go into hotel rooms there's one thing we go to and we we love it and it makes us feel at home and we get to see our father.

A robe.

No.

A phone.

No.

Well, then why the fuck did you do this?

A Bible.

A Bible.

God bless.

May I read?

You don't know much about it.

Really?

I can tell you from.

Corinthians 4, 6 through 8. I can tell you.

And thou dost not sleepeth with another maneth.

Yeah, yeah.

Nor painteth their nailest.

I can literally point to a chapter that I like.

Go ahead.

And read you one that's, this one right here.

Go ahead.

Here we go.

So these nations.

God bless the holy Bible.

And I don't want to defame this, by the way, for people that think we're making a joke.

It's a great book.

It's a great book.

One of the best books ever written.

Ever written.

Number one bestseller.

Number one bestseller.

Of all time. Is this the only thing that he got him? That's it? The shirt.
Columbus shirt. That's it? And the Bible? Yeah.
We gave you fucking $500? What were we thinking? I know. We could have gotten away with like 50.
I know. Do you have any plans on that? By the way, we asked your beautiful wife what we should get you, and she said he's very hard to buy for.
So I said, we'll get him a gift card. I'll give him some cash.
Please give him some cash.

That's what he wants more than anything.

Here you go, buddy.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, man.

Go get a sandwich

or something, you know?

Thank you, Bobby.

If you pocket it.

Okay.

McCone, did you pocket that money

you were supposed to give

to the mariachi band?

Swear I did.

Swear on what?

Come over here.

I swear that I did.

You're blocking my camera. Oh, you know what? This is great this is great put your put your hand on the bible okay do you believe in god right do you believe in the bible one hand on your heart by the way it has to be on your heart and the bible look at me right now okay you have your hand on the bible do you like andrew more than me yeah oh my god we can do this all day with him no keep it on the bible yeah yeah yeah keep it on the bible yeah yeah oh this is great this is great no no and keep your head on your heart do you think this is great do you think andrew has more talent than me yes oh my god we should have always had a bible in this room.
Do you think Andrew's better looking than me? Yes. Um, will you cry harder for Andrew if he died than me? No.
Oh, good. That's good.
You would cry the same? I cry a little more for you. Look at that.
Why? Because of sadness, like empathy for me. How sad my life is you're broken because I'm broken yeah

I don't know that's even worse. That's even worse cry more for him.
That's even worse

Please don't even shed a tear I don't fucking need it for me. You fucking bastard.
You a fucking cocksucker, huh?

Hey, no, I don't know nice. Oh, you're the Bible's on the pipe.
You're on the right. Do you have any

Yeah, truthful go ahead

This is great.

Remember when you fuck on the bus?

Oh my God!

Never on the bus.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, you did.

Because we caught you.

I remember one night I woke up.

Hold on, hold on.

Okay, go.

Did you or did you not have sex on the bus?

No.

Your hand is on the Bible. Okay, what are we constituting as? Blowjob.
Bus is the theme with wheels. I knew it.
I knew it. So you hooked up with a stranger on the bus and you got a blowjob.
Was I in the bus? No one was in the bus. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Your hand is on the Bible. Was somebody on the bus? Bobby was sleeping on the bus.
Wait, let me ask you something. Oh my God, dude.
So I was sleeping on the bus. And you were getting slurped.
And you were getting slurped. You were getting slurped while Bobby snoozed.
But did you eat her out? Oh my God. Oh my God.
That's deep. Fairness, fairness.
But did you eat her out? Fairness. Did you? Did you reciprocate? Of course.
Okay. What? Keep your hand there.
Keep your hand on the Bible. Don't take it away from the Bible.
We should do this with everybody. I agree.
I agree. Jules? Rudy? Rudy, give her the Bible.
Yeah, yeah. Give her the Bible.
Yeah, yeah. Just give it to her.
Give it to her. Give it to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And put your hand on it, please.
Thank you. Hand on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's sweating.
Yeah, I know. That's hilarious.
You were sweating your ass up. You know, can I be honest with you, dude? That was, dude, I want to say this.
I know you love him more. No, that's not true.
No, no, I'll tell you why. That's not true.
There was a point when we first met where I liked him more, McCone more, but because he was getting so much love from both of us, I had to be the bad guy. Right? So I love you so much.
I really do. But I choose to treat you in a certain way because you can't have it all.
I understand. You understand that.
Like when you lost your headphones, I got you a headphone. I mean, I care about you.
You know what I mean? No, no. But don't make...
Stop. But don't let it confuse that I don't love you.
I don't. Because I deeply love you.
So when you looked at me in the eyes and said you love him more, it hurt a little bit. But I get it.
All right? But I fucking... You know what? You know what? My goal from now on is to get more love from you.

Okay.

Interesting.

I'll give you more love.

No, I don't want it.

You know he gave away those AirPods.

I know they did.

See, that's what I'm seeing.

He found his original pair.

The idiot didn't even lose them.

Kind of like the time that you thought you left your car keys at the casino and they were in your fucking backpack.

Yeah.

Dumb guy alert. Bing, bing, bing.
Raise your hand if you're a dumb guy. The way he treats you, I would never say something like that.
He knows what's underneath it. Okay, Jules, go ahead.
He knows what's underneath it. My little brother.
Put your hand on the, right. One on your heart.
Your hand on your heart. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if you have one. Do you love me more than you love Andrew? Oh.
I mean, I know the answer. I'm not even holding up.
Yeah, go ahead. Just say it.
That's gotta be a yes. Yes.
Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Out of the three. Oh, this is hard.
Oh, no. God is watching.
God's watching. Out of those three, who do you love the most? Andres.
Yeah. The's watching Carlos Right And McCone's the third Does McCone Give you the creeps? No Okay Does Carlos Give you the creeps? No Does Andres Give you the creeps? No.
McCone, who's kind of your age, if he asked you on a date... All right.
Hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible. If he asked you on a date, would you go on a date with McCone? No.
If you're single. If you're single.
You have a boyfriend. Or do you not have a boyfriend anymore? I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah, but if you were... Single.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Wait.
What? Too white. Yeah, you'd have to get a tan.
Yeah, he's too white. I want chocolate.
You want chocolate. You want chocolate.
Relax, we know. Yeah.
The kid's got a sweet tooth. Do you still like your boyfriend? Yes.
You do? That was fast. Do you think you love him? Yes.
Okay. Are you in love with him? Mm-hmm.
Wow. No, no, no.
God doesn't accept mm-hmms. Yes.
Wow. Mm-hmm.
Do you view me... Oh, my God.
Do you view me as a family member? Yes. Bob.
You know what's interesting about this? It's Fancy's Day, but we're really taking all the- I know. Really pulling all the focus.
It's not his show. Fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it. We got an El Mariachi, the flag.
Yeah, you got a flag, you got gifts. Shut up, Fancy.
Stop begging. This is great.
This is great. Keep your hand on there.
Yeah, hand of the Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Out of all of us in the room, aside from my friend here, okay?

The ones that work here, right?

Just name me the person that you would be the least saddest that died.

Oh, my God.

That's mean.

It doesn't matter.

You still love the person, but the least saddest.

God's listening.

God's listening.

Oh, I don't see this. We already know who it is yeah yeah yeah but it's because i haven't known him hey hey hand on your heart no excuses for god god doesn't want excuses yeah you have any more questions are good should we get carlos here yeah i'm afraid he can't That'll hurt.
You might fucking melt. Yeah.
What? Come grab the Bible and let's give it to Carlos. Yeah, give it to Carlos.
So much sweat. You guys are all sweating on the Bible? It is actually very interesting.
It's a good... Well, you and I haven't done it.
Yeah, we will. Okay, I want to do it.
I want to have a chance. No, what are you? Oh, there you go.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlos.
Wait, like this? Right hand on the Bible. Carlos, has there ever been a time where you wanted to beat the shit out of me? No.
Oh, wait. Give me the Bible.
I got mad at you in Atlanta. Yeah, but you wanted to beat the shit out of me? No.
Okay. Wait, why in Atlanta? He was just like in a particularly bad mood that night.
And it was like one of the only times I've ever gotten mad at Bobby

Oh right

I hit you hard I think

In the back of the head or something

Did I come back and just smack you in the head or something?

Yeah I forget what happened

But you made it up to take me to Waffle House

Yeah

Thank you

Go ahead

Have you been sober for the full 94 days?

Yes

Yes

Thank you. have you been sober for the full 94 days yes yes he's the guy yeah i know yeah i'm just gonna test him a little bit have you had a glory hole recently no i looked up milking tables but no glory hole have you ever swallowed hmm god is also listening to the questions i think he's it.
I think he's okay with it. Yeah, okay, both.
Yeah, you're right. Have you ever swallowed cum? Okay.
No. Your own cum? Hmm.
Yes. Oh, God.
We've all tried it. No.
Never. What do you mean? Yes, you have in your life have tried your own cup.
Give me the Bible. Bring the Bible.

Never.

Bring the Bible, dude.

Never have.

You know what?

I don't want to play this game.

I don't want to.

I already don't want to play this game.

I'm not playing it.

I'm not playing it.

No, you have to.

I'm not playing it.

We all are.

Fuck no.

Fuck no, dude.

No, I never have.

Never.

Have you ever eaten your own boogers?

Never.

Hand of the Bible.

Never.

Wow. Never.
Have you ever stuck your finger in between your butthole and smelled it? Big time. You've done that? Big time.
Very good. That's good.
Big time. Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever touched another man's penis? Only with my butt. Excuse me? No hands.
Okay. I just...
No. No, I never have You never have No, I never have With your leg, yes His penis with my leg, yes You've brushed your penis against my leg Yeah Yeah, God saw that God saw that, yeah God liked it I don't think so You gotta chuckle No I didn't.
Oh, give it to me.

This is going to be so hard. Are we going to get, is this going to be bad?

No, this is not, this is being

truthful. Can I tell you though?

What?

Big fan of this book.

It's a great book. No, it is a really great book.

Some really good lessons in there. Some good life structure.

Bobby, hand on your heart i really do believe in god so this is hard i do too i really do believe in god what do you mean go ahead who do you love in this room the most? Jules.

Whoa.

You're second.

Just go second.

Ask me second.

Who's second?

You are.

Who's the least?

Who I love the least in the room?

Oh, come on.

We know.

That's a hard one.

That is actually really hard.

It's a really hard one.

I think I know.

Yes.

I think it's fancy.

It's not Carlos.

I think you're right.

On his birthday.

That's amazing, dude.

But it's so close. You're so close, dude.
But it's so close.

You're so close, dude.

Last bad one.

Alright, go ahead. You know what's funny?

I tried to get you those desigual shirts

that you like so much. You know those stupid shirts you used to

wear all the time with a little bullshit on them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We literally tried. Oh, he's wearing one right now.
That's a

desigual shirt? Desigual.

What? Desigual? It's spelled desigual,

right? No, desigual. Desigual?

Yeah. We looked up, Carlos and I, to try

to find where we could get these shirts.

Thank you. It's spelled decidual, right? No, decidual.
We looked up, Carlos and I, to try to find where we could get these shirts. They're all permanently closed.
There's no stores anywhere. He's the only guy.
He's the only guy that we know that wears these shirts. They don't sell them anywhere.
We were trying to buy him a whole bunch of them. You can't find them.
Yeah, they're not good. Where do you get them from now? España.
So you order them from Spain? I go there and buy them there. How much does that shirt cost, by the way? I don't know.
$140. But the stores- Dollars? In Spain, they're open in Spain, right? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, that just shows how behind they are.
And my hand's burning, so go ahead. Hand on your heart then.
Okay. Would you ever fuck a guy? No.
Okay on the bible no put your hand flat no there blowjob no it's who a guy who who yeah yeah well it is give me a name give me a name yeah idris ilba oh tom hardy no not tom hardy no kiss kiss there's a new guy there's a that I would. There's a new guy that's hot right now that I would.
Who? You know who. Oh, yeah, I know.
Which one? The kid in Dune. Timothy? No.
No? What do you mean? Austin Butler? Austin Butler? Elvis. I would fuck him.
Hunk a hunk of burning love. I would fuck Austin Butler.
I'm a hand on my Bible. Liquid death.
You guys, I don't care what you think about water, but I do because liquid death is the best water in town. Look at it right here.
I won't even go around town with no other water. Here's the deal.
I love liquid death. I asked them to send us cans before they ever sponsor us because I love a tall boy.
I want to walk with a tall boy and feel like a tall boy that I am. It even makes Bobby a little bit taller.
He used to be 5'4". Now he's 5'5".
After drinking Liquid Death. Look at a 5'5".
Right now, dude. Mandatory disclaimer, Liquid Death will not make you any taller.
But Liquid Death is delicious. They come in different flavors.
Sparkling lime. And my favorite is mango, mango, mango, mango.
I love Liquid Death. And Liquid Death does the best celebrity collabs like with Travis Barker.
And Bad Friends. How about Bad Friends? Yeah, Bad Friends.
You can get free shipping of Liquid Death Mountain Water flavored, sparkling, and iced tea eight-packed with Amazon Prime or grab a can or a case at your local 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Whole Foods, or on Instacart. Go to liquiddeath.com slash badfriends to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer.
That's liquiddeath.com slash badfriends. Liquiddeath.com slash badfriends.
Manscaped. I'll tell you, dude.
You know what I'm in the rhythm of? Shaving your bush. That's right.
That's the rhythm is all mine, dude. And let me say something.
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Nothing like a little spring

cleaning in your pants.

Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, I'll fuck

suck your ass up. Why do you think

you're so... You have no chance.
No chance. Yeah, he's not

you're not his style.

You know what's so funny?

No chance. Here's why you just said that

because I said that I love you the least

So, let's so close. I love all three of you.
Who's the second to the last? Of who I love? McCone. It goes you, me, Carlos, McCone.

Yeah, exactly in that order.

It's not hard.

Because I've known Carlos for so long.

Yeah.

You know, I love, I feel, you know, empathy for him.

There's a sadness about him that I just root for, you know.

It's in his eyes.

Yeah.

Are we done with this part?

Yeah, but be nice to it.

Thank you.

Can I have it?

Yeah, go ahead.

Do you want this?

Oh, you left some gook on it. Yeah.
I think we should leave it. Is that where the word comes from? What? You left some gook on this.
That's where gook comes from. You left a little bit of gook on this.
You want to say gook? Just say it. No, it's gook.
It's gook. We know gook.
It's a Midwest term. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You left some gook on this. Yeah, I did.
You gooked up my Bible, didn't you? I did gook it up, you know?

How have you been?

We haven't seen you in so long.

How have you actually been?

I've been good.

Well, she has to go back to redo your-

Oh, yeah.

For my visa.

She might not come back.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Thanks to colonization, here's how Filipinos can become Spanish citizens

in just two years.

Do you want to join Spain?

Well, yeah.

You would become Spanish?

Yeah.

Their language is so hot to me.

I just want to fuck everyone there.

Okay.

Jesus.

No, you don't.

No, she does.

Can I be honest with you?

I don't need the Bible for this.

You've expressed some things to me about women. Yes.
Yeah. And I think you may prefer them.
Okay. I'll still fuck Spanish women.
Yeah. They do have women there.
I know they do. They have men and women there.
Yeah. Not just effeminate men like Fancy.
They have men and real women. They have beautiful women there.
Gorgeous, stunning, unbelievable. Big butts.
And I like them. I cannot lie.
I love the big ones. Cannot lie that much I like them.
I like flat ones. Really? Why not? You got a little, you got a little, I like a good shitter.
I think you got to have a nice shitter. That's fine.
No, you got to have a nice thick butt. Because now we're excluding so many Asians.
Well, it's easier for you to get in from the back. That's why.
God, that hurts so bad. Well, it's true.
It's just... Too much of a barrier.
You can't fuck a big butt girl. You'll never get there.
You'll never get there. But I can try.
Your dick will be whispering at it.

Is it better with big butts?

Sex?

Yeah.

Big butts are the best.

You can hold on to them.

But do they also grip the dick?

Yes, they do.

Yes, they do.

They do.

So you remember that guy that got his hand caught in the fucking canyon and he died? Or he chopped his hand off?

You mean 127 hours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be my dick in a big butt yeah that's right you'll have to cut it off you know me cut it off i can't get there you have to slice it off fancy do you remember what's your most memorable birthday what's what's a great birthday memory i think exactly 10 years ago ago, George and the guys took me to the desert.
And we did a huge party there with a lot of my friends. Was there mushrooms and acid involved? Yes.
Did you do drugs? I did do drugs. What did you do? I forgot the cactus thing.
What? Ayahuasca? I don't know Peyote? Oh, peyote You did peyote Who had peyote in your group? George, it's gotta be George What is his deal? Because you know he has chickens and eggs I know Yeah, I know he does all that Peyote, eggs He's so weird He loves it So you smoked peyote Some of my friends started running around They fell. It was really fun.
You enjoyed that? Oh, it must have been a wild time. Yeah, wild time.
But now- Father. You're a dad.
You're an old dad. I'm here on my birthday.
Oh, okay. Which is better.
Well, it is okay. Did those guys get you a mariachi band? No.
Okay. True, true.
I mean, they took you to the fucking desert. I'll take you to the desert.
I wonder what I want September when I'm 53. You're thinking about your gifts already? I want a band.
I want a band. I want what you got.
I want clothes. Yeah, but you want like a famous band to come play for you.
You wouldn't settle for unknown. Green day.
Get me green day. You want me to get you green day for your birthday Yeah I think they would do it Yeah for a lot of money No I think they would What do you mean I know them So they would play your 53rd birthday I think if you ask Billy Joel he'll come in and do an acoustic song Sure In our studio Okay.
He sent me coffee.

Oh, that's the same thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think I could ever convince a famous band like that to ever do.

I mean, you could do it.

You have that kind of pull.

I don't have that. Oh, my God.

This guy.

I swear to God.

Can I just tell you?

I mean, I can't even.

What are you talking about?

I'm not friends with some band.

It's just the conversations I have with people in this town.

It's just like you're on fire right now.

I'm not talking to anybody in the town. I'm just saying you know so many people.
Tito, Andrew, I have a question. Go ahead.
Here she is. Is Zac Efron really, really hot? Ask me.
I met him too. And smells good? He does smell very good.
Is he just like so heavenly? He's a very pretty man. You know, Tito Bobby got to hug him for 10 seconds straight.
How did it feel? Mucho, mucho. Mucho, mucho.
Is he just all hard? He's hard to rock. What do you mean? He's just a, when you look at it, his eyes are beautiful.
He's got such a great face. It's chiseled.
But can I say this too? He's super sweet. He's a great guy.
He's a great guy. I know.
know you can just tell he was just so real with me and so nice and giving so was John that was a great that was a great encounter it was a good moment in time loved it it was and you know what you'll never get to meet him it's okay I thought about bringing you though didn't I I said man should we said, man, should we bring her? No. Why? You don't want to meet him? No.
Why? Don't want to meet your heroes type of thing? He'll let you down? I just don't want to. But also Jules, she admitted to me the other day, she gets recognized now on the streets.
Really? Finally. Yeah.
You're really embracing it. I don't like it.
You love it, kind of. No, because I'm just like, I don't use my brain when I go out, and then they're just like, Rudy, and I'm just like, I don't.
Very different than when you're here. Is that what you're saying? Whoa.
Snipe. Yeah.
And why'd you meet Miss Long Beach? Who's Miss Long Beach? Huh? We had a big Long Beach show that you didn't show up to. Oh, yeah.
What was that about I had to We're fostering puppies Oh you fucking bitch Cleacher of the night I know Fentanyl was gonna walk in here Yeah dude, you came at a bad time Yeah, yeah? Get in here Get in here you fucking lady Yeah, yeah, come on in You don't wanna do it? Do you remember her? Doesn't your back hurt when you walk? You just seem like your back hurts when you walk. It's just big.
He's a piece of shit. Fuck you.
Oh. How are those? Good? Those are great.
Yeah, 1099. Hi.
How are you? McCone, say hello. You didn't say hi? Hi.
Yes. Okay.
Be nice. say hello.
Hi, Illinois. Yeah, because you've known Carlos as much as long as I've.
A long time. A long time, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And you saw him do stand-up back in the day.
I wouldn't call it stand-up. Yeah, yeah.
He's a one-man show. What would you call what Carlos used to do back in the day? Get on stage.
Get on stage. Yeah, he would go up there.
Yeah, I would talk. And then he would run down.
Who was this generation? He was terrified. Like Esther was around.
Was Tony Hinchclap back then? Oh, yeah. Tony, you.
Matt Edgar. Who bought the worst out of all the people that were in that group? Hi, how are you? Yeah? I'm not answering that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Eleanor was a waitress at the store for many years.
Yes. Server.
Server. She became a stand-up.
And she went, I think you're the only person that went from server, at least at the store, to become a paid regular at the store

and become a legitimate headliner comic.

Is that true?

Are you the only server?

Well, because I didn't start as a comic,

so yeah, I think that's what...

Any waitress that turned comic,

Mitzi got rid of immediately.

They were terrible.

Wait, well, they were bad,

or it was like part of the thing

where she was gonna...

No, they were just terrible.

Oh, okay.

Are there servers now that want to do stand-up

that hasn't done it?

Yeah, like Punky Johnson.

Yeah.

It's pretty incredible, but she starred it as a comic. Right, and then she got a job there.
That's incredible. Yeah.
So what she did, I think, is more impressive. She's on SNL.
Yeah, I think that's a huge thing. Wild.
Giant. But you led the way.
You led the way. You're the Ellen.
I am. You're the Ellen.
Yeah, I'm the Ellen. I like this look on you.
Do I look nice? No. Oh, come on.
I like it, though. It smells so good.
Thank you. It's vanilla.
I can't get white enough. I just rub it in.
What does she smell like, Eleanor? We never really know because she kind of wafts in and wafts out. Lean in.
Lean in. You want me to really? Yeah, sniff.
She smells good. Why'd you make me do that? I don't know, but you did it.
She smells very good. Not like the jungle or anything like that, huh? Give me the Bible again.
Give me the Bible again. Give me the Smells nice.
Eleanor, I want to say something right now. On the Bible?

My hand on the Bible, right?

I fucking hated you so much for so long.

You don't need the Bible for that.

I know.

I know I don't. For so fucking long.

And when you started becoming a comic and then you became funny, it used to burn my soul.

So you're saying I wasn't funny before.

No, I didn't really know you that well. I think once I I moved to LA we became we hated each other no it wasn't instantly we used to hang out a little bit yeah what happened we've already gone through a year years of talking about it yeah well we're on the show now I know all right well you know Bobby yeah he's yes yeah yeah okay that's right you fucking rude.
I get it. I actually get it now.
I've had problems with many, many people. But you solved them.
Amazing. I don't solve them.
Some of them are still problems. But guess what? I don't give a fuck.
I will go down fighting. Good.
You should. You know what I mean? I'm gonna be that guy.
Yeah. Who's that guy? You're gonna be you.
What? Who is that guy? Fucking, what do you see fucking what do you see an idiot no how come he's not wearing any get up i had he had it on he got too fucking oh my god he gets sweaty he gets really sweaty right really this guy right here has um like those bullet oh you've got bullet yeah i got a sombrero onero on. I also have a fucking COVID mask.
I have a COVID mask. It's sort of like a...
Anyway, I got guns. You do have guns.
Right. I'm a smoky too.
Yeah, big time. No, because I've been in a fire.
No, you've been smoking again. That too.
Got it. Right.
And that's who I am, a warrior. And I will start a war and I will finish.

But you just said you're not a hunter or a warrior.

Yeah, you did say you're not a hunter at all.

No, I am a hunter.

I just pick and choose.

But Chocolate Swirl is more of a hunter than you are.

He's a leader of the pack.

Anyway.

A leader.

Eleanor, are you promoting a movie or a special?

Yeah, a big movie.

My special.

Are you promoting a particular body?

The fuck was that? Are you promoting something? Yeah. You know she's promoting a special.
Are you promoting a particular... The fuck was that?

Are you promoting something?

You know she's promoting a special.

I know she is.

Eleanor, tell Bobby what a comedy special is.

Or I mean your comedy special.

Hold on a second.

That came out wrong.

Bobby, can I ask you a question?

That came out wrong.

You still don't have a special?

No.

Why?

Why?

You just don't want to.

I'll do what I do.

Every day is a special for Bobby.

Okay. That's right.
Special means... It does.
It does. It does.
I might be. Okay.
I'll defend Robert right now. I'll defend him.
I don't want to... It's not...
You're here on the program, right? Yeah. To talk about your special.
Yes. It has nothing to do with me.
Yeah, but let's talk about his. Okay.
I think Bobby hasn't put out a special because he- Nobody wants to do one. What? No, people will do one with you.
I think you don't want to do it because you're- Afraid. You're a little afraid of it because it's a daunting task.
As comic knows. It's a fucking nightmare.
You've chosen to not and still had a successful career. It's pretty impressive.
You've done Comedy Central Presents and things like that. Nothing.
He's never done any TV. Shut it.
I did the Tonight Show a long time ago. I did a premium blend.
You did a couple of K-Locos.

You did two K-Locos.

A couple of K-Locos.

That's a thing, though.

It's not a full whatever.

Let me ask you guys a question, if I may.

You know, I'm in a corner.

You do have a great career.

May I defend myself?

I defended you.

I said something mean.

I just say my piece.

Let me say my piece, because everyone's giggling a little school children right now.

It'd be on my back.

Okay.

Fun time.

Laugh.

Laugh at my expense.

Bob, it's-

No, I'm not done.

Okay.

Eleanor, tell us about it's special.

It's called-

What's it called?

Let me talk though.

No, fuck you.

What's it called?

Fuck you, dude.

Fuck you.

Shut up.

All right.

What's it called?

No Country for Old Women. Oh, I like that.
I love it. Oh, I like that like that that's a great one tell me it's not spelled c-u-n-t i wanted it i know you did i know you said i was like but you know what's gonna happen is the streamers will be like we can't broadcast yeah i know no country for old women is so good when is it gonna be released it's out it's out right now i loved it i loved it yeah you loved it I sent you a- Yeah, you did.
I think I did. You did send me something, and I never looked at it.
I'm so sorry. Interesting.
Yeah. Tell us your favorite joke.
Oh, the thing where you go- But that's your bit. My favorite bit.
That's my favorite. That's such a good opener.
That's your bit. Oh, that is, yeah, yeah.
Where did you film it? At the store, in the original room. The best.
That's great. I talked last night about how that's the greatest room.
There's something about that that's magical. It really is.
I got lucky. My friend Lexi directed it, and she loved ...
She was a comic with Carlos and I back in the day when we were ... She's hot.
Lexi Shoemaker. Thanks, dude.
She really lit up the room perfectly and kept it, because I really wanted to to show the or did you do it on a weeknight or a weekend sunday wow perfect that's great because one of my favorite nights in that fucking room is it really is i don't know why it's just sunday and like the energy is what's the worst night in the or there's a better question tuesday tuesday that's up there we just did this last night for some reason i set brennan goes even a wednesday could be too sometimes but tuesday is i don't know what tuesday is it does last night let's change that by the way audience people that go to this comedy store cut it out on fucking last night i called you why that's it i had a terrible set in the or he called me and and honestly of all the years that we joke on the phone this was like a I actually felt bad. I told him I'd come meet up with him because he was being genuine.
He was like, I'm really in a bad place. And I said, well, what's going on? I got like honestly concerned.
I thought something maybe happened. God forbid.
And he goes, I'm embarrassed. I fucking felt embarrassed.
I got in my car the moment I got off stage. I did the same thing.
He goes, somebody stood in the... Somebody was...
There's a fucking...

All right.

What?

Go ahead.

What happened?

I can't believe it.

One of the servers was like...

The gay guy.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

He happens to be gay.

Oh, what did he do?

He was stuck in a guy's dick.

He was standing there in the middle.

I'm doing a setup of a joke.

Are you in the OR or main room?

Main room.

Oh.

He's standing in the front of the fucking... Just standing there.
there taking an order I don't know why he's just standing there like this pulling focus and I wanted to I was so mad I was gonna go what are you doing? because you were there when the Mitzi was around how fast would that person be fired? fast immediately same night I have to ask them to leave and just take the tray out of their hand yeah but this is what it happened a million times well because you know when you were serving people were not to be seen right and this is what happened last night interest store it's called the comedy store yeah thank you on repeat she said that all the time thank you wow i walked off stage i went to the manager i got in the car I called him. I was literally like, I think I'm going to drink.
Yeah, he really was. You weren't in one of those weird places where I could tell you were pretty dark.
When you bomb like that, it's embarrassing. Listen, I bombed in the OR last night and I got, everybody was like, hey, where are you going? I go, I got to get something out of my car.
And I just left. Isn't that funny? We all do that.
Like a real twat. You look at your shoes and you go, I got to get a- Yeah, I'm going to get a- You know what my trick is when I want to go.
What? I go on the phone. I got to- Oh, the phone is great.
I go, fuck, I'm sorry. I got to- I got to take this.
And then the moment I get in the car- It's 1 a.m. Phone down, driving sad, staring off into the abyss.
What wall could I hit? Will that ever go away? No! I hope not. No! Because that means you care.
You still care that you didn't do well or whatever. I'm sure you did fine, but you had that moment that made you rethink every single- I'm sure you did fine.
No. No, you did.
Even the piano player was like- Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he always plays.
Chris. Yeah, Chris.

He always is fun.

And he was just like.

Eleanor,

can we talk about your specials available

right now?

Yeah.

No country

for old women.

You see it right now.

Yes.

YouTube.

And it's on the

comedy set.

I mean,

I keep saying that.

Comedy store YouTube.

Comedy store YouTube.

You know how Mitzi

always wanted the comedy channel?

Yeah.

So she,

we had all this paper, like she had everything made up. The comedy channel, comedy channel.
And then the Comedy Central took it. Yeah.
And she lost her fucking mind. Yeah, she should have.
But she still had all that paperwork. So a lot of times I'd send stuff out.
And it'd be on comedy channel letterhead and comedy channel envelopes. And she's like, just use them.
And I'm like, okay. And people are like, what the fuck is the Comedy Channel? I'm like, I don't.
I don't want to get into it. It's a subsidiary of Comedy Central.
And you would make me use those to send mostly to the comedy store in England to tell them to stop and using their name. Please.
Why am I standing there?

I can't wait.

I want to watch it.

I haven't taken a good picture in that club

since I fucking got in there.

Every time they get a photo of me,

I'm like a gangly moron in the hallway.

Like, how did you beat Down syndrome?

Like, every single fucking picture.

How long did you and Andrew Dice Clayton date?

I forget.

Like five years.

What's that like?

I mean, Andrew Dice Clayton.

What's that like? mean andrew dice what's that like it's it's like um our videos it's right that same relationship when you guys are together screaming at each other same thing constant always you know when dice that's the every time he sees me he'll pull over and we'll talk for an hour that's how much i love yeah and he loves you too yeah it's he's what a great guy legend no i don't know him i don't know we really had a lot of fun together oh that's the sag awards when he did um a star is born shit oh yeah he was complete he was great i know he was great yeah great in that so he didn't have a girlfriend at the time so he was like hey they're we're nominated as an ensemble cast so wow so i he was like i don't want to go by myself i feel like feel like a dick. So I went with him.
Did you guys have a blast? We did. We had so much fun.
Did you meet Lady Gaga? Of course. Eddie Griffin was there.
I was on set with him most of the whole time. But Eddie Griffin was there.
So I was more comfortable. Eddie was in the movie.
Did you see the movie? Yeah. Eddie Griffin was in Stars Born? Yeah.
What did he play? He's the star. It's about him.
It's him and Bradley Cooper. They're besties.
Dave Chappelle was in Starsborn? Yeah. What did he play? He's the star.
It's about him. It's him and Bradley Cooper.

They're besties.

Dave Chappelle was in it.

I know Chappelle was in it.

Eddie Griffin was.

All the good comics.

See?

All the good comics.

The scene, though.

Okay, let's end the part.

I would sit so long.

What's your problem?

What is this?

We promote this.

It's great.

I loved her.

You didn't even watch this piece of shit.

I don't know why we made up. Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry. I love you.
And I'm going to watch a special and I'm going to promote it. I want you to watch it and give me notes on what you like.
You know what? In fact, I'll go on my Instagram. I'll just give you two clips.
Can you watch a clip? He'll watch a clip. Not only that, send me a clip on my Instagram and I will post it on my Instagram.

I don't even know where it is.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I need some

followers.

I'm going to do you

a favor.

You do have followers.

Yeah, so it'll be

great.

I need some followers.

Well, you're going to

get them from this.

Eleanor is one of my

favorite people.

I love her so much.

I love her more,

but it's fine.

I think that's true.

Yeah.

Andrew.

Please watch No Country

for Old Women on the Comedy Store YouTube page.

We'll put the link in the description below.

Yeah.

We appreciate you so much, Eleanor.

We love you.

Hey, look in the camera, Eleanor,

and say thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I missed it. Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.