Coco The Side Piece

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
All righty. One, two, three.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. I'm your captain and this is my sidekick Andrew This is my side guy, my side hustle Peace, my side piece No, I'm the side piece You're not even a part of the gang right now You're a side chunk That's a pretty big piece That's a pretty big piece You know, also, could I just say too um you're a little deceiving no i i saw the last episode i never lied i told you that i haven't done stand-up in five years that's not what i'm talking about oh you know when you make assumptions somebody gets bit no is that a term i just made that up i think i've i've got a couple of phrases jumbled up there But when it's not broke, fix it if you break it.
Anyway, listen, bud. I don't like being lied to.
I don't like being deceived. I don't like your rabble rousing.
That word? I agree. Can we move on? No, no.
We can't move on until I address this issue. What's your name no did esther tell you no okay what's your name greg no no no if you think we don't know okay we know what's your name what do you i thought this was gonna be about i know what it is by the way are you chewing gum and eating potato chips? I'm practicing being a father.
By the way, I had a dream where there was three babies and beanies and neon beanies running. They were your babies.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. I know what you're trying to do right now.
It's not going to work. We're going to talk about this issue and then we're going to move on.
Is it because I did Pauly's podcast? No, it has nothing. That's a little bit something to do with it.
You can't do any other podcast by that way but he promised me a pop cup if me and buster behaved all right these little little whimsical things you're doing right now these cute things you're doing right now usually it works with me because i think it's working a little bit now because i want to i want to kind of move on now because so cute but my point is um what's your name friend greg no what is your legal name why would that be a brawl be a problem? Okay. Don't yell.
Okay. Oh, that's right.
Because we're wearing microphones. Yeah, we're wearing microphones.
Yeah. Okay.
We're strapped. We're strapped, my dog.
Oh, but why would that make you mad? What is your name? Because I don't like being lied to. That's all.
Greg is my middle name and my ID. What's your first name, though, on your ID? Who did you get this from? Okay, sorry.
Goop, goop. Make this easier.
Does he know? We know. Am I going to prematurely give information? Can I tell you what it is? Okay.
Is that the game we're playing? Okay. Your name is Krikor.
Krikor. You know, Esther told you.
Krikor. Your name is Krikor.
Krikor. Which translates to Greg.
No, it doesn't. And Coco comes from Krikor.
It translates in space language, fat guy. No.
That's a Klingon name. Krikor is a Klingon name.
It translates to fat guy. First of all, it's Grigor, like Krikor.
Oh, Grigor. It's a masculine given name and a surname.
Variants include Gregory, Gregor, Grigiri, Gregory,

and in Western American it's Krikor or Krikor.

Okay, at this point, now you know my first name,

my middle name, my last name.

You know all the schools I've been to.

My brother says don't give out your social security number,

and now everything anyone needs to change my passwords

are pretty much on this podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

We don't want to go to your middle name right now

or your last name, okay?

Okay.

You're doing your cute thing in it and it's really for me because i kind of want to move on but um no let's stick to creek or yeah no so much friend yeah what the so why don't you just go by creek or i had 27 years to decide if i want to be Cricor. I decided I want to be Greg.
So we can drive down Glendale you and I

and there's I had 27 years to decide if I want to be Cricor. I decided I want to be Greg.

So we can drive down Glendale, you and I,

and there could be somebody on the side of the street going,

Cricor!

I will walk by.

What?

I will just walk by.

I know, but there are people out there that know you as Cricor.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, they either know me as Coco or Greg.

No one knows you as Coco. With a K.
No one knows you as one knows you as Coco, dude You've been trying that since day one Trying to get Coco to stick And it's not gonna stick with me I'm never gonna call you that Who knows Who comes with their own nickname Family I don't Honestly, I thought today was gonna be fun I had a rough week I keep getting chicken nuggets Chicken impossible impossible nuggets stuck in my toaster and i got then i got stuck under a weighted blanket okay see what he's doing stop it stop it stop it why are you putting nuggets in the toaster because you get them crispy it's my fourth toaster this year do you have an oven it's not plugged in i no it's i don't the oven isn't plugged in the oven i'm not gonna do you have an air fryer i have an air fryer but that's not plugged in either it's so much fun putting chicken nuggets in the toaster and then they pop up and then you have to catch them and then you have to get them out but it smokes and then you think how long can i let it smoke i might have you guys turn off his mic no yeah i'm supposed to be a side piece a side piece. It's just, you're our side chicken nugget.
Okay. But first of all, plug in the oven.
Plug in the air fryer. Why can't plug it? Do you not know how to do that? Unplug and plug.
I know how to use a toaster. But do you know how to plug and unplug thing? Yeah.
You do. So can you unplug your toaster and plug in the oven or whatever? Well, it's burnt.
I need a new toaster, but yeah. Okay.
Buy this guy a new toaster, please. No.
I will buy it. Yeah.
You buy it? Yeah. Well, listen up, Krikor.
No. Krikor.
No. Krikor.
That sounds more Korean than Bobby. Krikor.
I am Krikor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like from He-Man, doesn't it? Yeah, It does. It sounds like one of the characters.
Skeletor's bitch. No one knew this until.
Hi, Skeletor. Hi, Skeletor.
It's me, Cricor. Let me say something, Cricor.
Is that Cricor? Is that a famous Cricor? Yeah. Oh, there are other famous Cricor.
Oh, he's chess. You're more checkers, huh? I don't.
I see more checkers. I don't.
I like. I like the.
He doesn't see chess. When you say.
Yeah. chess when you say yeah fast food restaurant checkers yeah yeah yeah oh not the game he doesn't know how to play that i like board games yeah yeah i like cards what games can you play uh you know perfection but that's hard uh i like i don't know how to play checkers or chess you don't know checkers.
Checkers either? No. I played poker, and they underestimated me, and I won.
I'll tell you what game he doesn't know how to play is plug in the oven. Yeah.
That's a tough game for him. How are the chippies, bud? Yeah, Cree.
I have twins this time. Yeah, you do, buddy.
One's Asian. They're both Asian.
So can we call you Creecore from now on? Oh, yeah. That's like the worst thing you could call me Oh I could think of some Oh no Then I'll meet you I could think of a lot of things But like I have some questions for Andrew afterwards Because you guys are getting some Ask away because this is your You guys did a background check We're gonna move on So ask away Afterwards No ask now You have questions for Andrew? Ask away baby No no no no I'll ask, no.
I'll ask after because honestly, I think you guys did a background check. No, we didn't.
No, we didn't. How did you know? Do you think we did a back? Look at the fucking employees we have.
Do you think we did a background check? That's insane. Okay.
This is a fucking illegal immigrant, an obvious cartel drug baby, and then a loser from the Midwest who was like a hockey coach dropout. I mean, dude't We just pick up the scraps where they fall Did we talk about his Long Beach performance yet To him? No I don't think so We haven't seen him since then I don't think Okay so That's another lie Oh wow No I Let me talk Okay May I? Yeah Is this Your show? No I don't have a show i know yeah calm it down calm it down dude

goopy namaste come right down yeah creek creek creek creek creek creek creek creek or creek or mccorkery that's you guys sounds like a lawyer yeah yeah so um another deception or that's johnny cochran I think shut up shut up you had a full-blown panic attack a week before Long Beach begging us please I don't want to do it I'm going to fail I haven't done it all the excuses and then you go you show up at the show how many people in the audience you think three thousand three thousand people and um you walk up there and you pull out a fucking ak-47 and you go i mean you me okay i'm gonna take two minutes before you went up he told me hey i think he should only he shouldn't go up or he should only do a couple of jokes. I said, he looks a little too nervous.
Maybe we should restrict his time to make him feel comfortable. Just do him a couple minutes and tell him he can come right back.
Right, right. Something like that.
Because he was pacing. Right.
And I came to you. Remember I came to you.
I go, me and Andrew had a talk. You should just say hi.
Pretty much. Right.
And you went up there. You went.
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you obliterated the room.
Did's another lie That wasn't a lie Shut up You had 10 minutes of jokes Of pure jokes I timed 6 minutes First of all you did 12 No I didn't I can't hear him He turned his mic off Turn his mic up a little bit It's fine Turn it up. But here, creaky, creaky, cre didn't.
Yeah, yeah. I can't hear him.
Yeah, he turned his mic off. I like that.
No. No.

Turn his mic up a little bit.

It's fine.

Turn it up.

But here, creaky.

Creaky.

Creaky dog.

I said I was going to die.

I didn't say I can't do stand-up, and that part was true.

You weren't going to die.

I was going to die.

No.

And then when your agents and managers showed up, I forgot English.

Oh, it's so – because also he – this is so funny.

Agents and managers are like his rock bands.

They're my pen pals.

Like he knew by name, they're every – like what agency?

See you book comics. Oh, fuck.
What do you mean? You write letters to them? Yeah. You're Mr.
Nuso. You mean an email? Yeah.
You hand write a letter and then translate it to email? I would get their attention. That'd be funny if you did that.
So you email Noose and you say, hey, Noose, I'm interested in booking people for my show. Yeah.
It's actually very smart. That's good.
Do you know my agents? Yeah. Who? Well, I thought Abby was Abe because I was just losing my mind.
But then I found out it's Abby and it's, you know. But Matt Blake, he has two first names.
Stop. Okay.
He handles heavyweight. A-B-B-E.
Yeah. Abe.
Abe. By the way, we're calling Abby Abe from here on out

Here on out, yeah

You're Cricor and she's Abe

Oh my god

And by the way, what a show that would be on Adult Swim

Cricor and Abe

Oh, it's Wanderlust, it's beautiful

It's the precipice of happiness when you're around

I love it

What are you showing me right now, Carlos?

Goop at a premiere

Oh no

Oh you go to Hollywood

There he is

Wow, drugstore tune

Thank you. Precipice of happiness when you're around.
I love it. What are you showing me right now, Carlos? Goop at a premiere.
Oh, no. Oh, you go to Hollywood.
There he is. Wow, drugstore June.
Push pause for a second. None of those people are in the movie.
Holly. None of those people are in the movie.
Sandy Danto. How come I didn't get invited to this? Benji Arfalo.
Who's the guy in the middle there? Is that Al? Polly. Who? Polly.
That's Pollyly None of them are in the movie What are you doing on the red carpet Of a drugstore gym? Pauly told them I was literally He told the lady running the carpet That I was on Love on the Spectrum And she gently invited me on the red carpet He said that to everyone we meet Everyone we meet It does Because I'm Chinese. Yeah.
Right? So it's the same thing. He says you have autism and he's, well, do you think you, but you, do you have autism? Did we say this? I started taking a test and halfway through my ADD kicked in and it wasn't looking good so I stopped.
But I'm open to taking an autism test one day. We should put you, we should autism and put love on the spectrum.
Yeah. Because we want to find you love.
We love you and we want you to find love. You do? You don't want love? No I don't want spectrums or scales I want no limits But what's your Can I May I ask a question? We're gonna move on I know Let me ask him Let's get on Let's move on soon I know I know But let me Because it's piqued my curiosity Can we write down What your perfect mate would be? Yeah you're gonna come up with an animal no i'm not yeah no that's i'm asking you no i will and you're gonna come up with an animal like a kangaroo or something honestly so well give me a trait so um age bracket maybe oh i'm writing it down i'm not one of those people with an.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Maybe this is an exercise for another time because I don't like exercises.

Okay.

Oh.

Sorry.

It's like red light and green light.

Red light and green light.

Age.

Age?

I don't know.

Like 25 to 35.

I mean, give me an age bracket here man Your preference Okay I don't I don't want You're getting on my last fucking nerve right now Two slow people make a very slow person So So I don't know I guess 25 Onwards What's the age gap here? I mean the limit you think? 50? I don't want another mom. Okay so let's go 25 to 40.
35. Okay 25 to 30.
Stop we're moving on. What does this person do for for an occupation would that be a preference for you um my friend's a lawyer but i treat her like a regular person a lawyer then no um should we move on oh yeah all right let's talk about we'll find love next time yeah we'll get you a 27 year old lawyer okay there lot of those roaming around.
Yeah. Anyway, welcome back to the show.
Thank you. And thank you for having me in Long Beach.
And thank you for having me. Okay.
Okay. Thank me, too.
Thank you for having me. Thank you, Christ.
Yeah, yeah. Not very many people get to live that kind of thing.
And I never thought I would. We're happy that we're happy you're a part of it.
We're happy, happy, happy, happy. Let's talk about some real stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about some real stuff.
Let's talk about one of the funniest moments I've ever witnessed in my entire life in an airport. Well, it was a very awkward situation.
Do you guys know what happened? So we were in Austin. Yeah.
The flight's delayed. So it's me, Andrew, and Andrew's wife.
We're sitting there waiting for them to board the plane. And we're standing there, people are asking for photos with us.
Yeah. You know, and which is pretty normal, if I may say so myself.
And there's a guy off to the side, pretty near us, on a table and he's on his laptop. And he goes, excuse me, correct me if i'm wrong of the story he goes

excuse me what do you guys do and i said oh we're jugglers and magicians that's right right and he goes fuck that he goes i don't believe that for a second and i said you believe what you want to believe pal but at the same time yeah i said bobby said fuck you We started cracking up Yeah we cracked up And Bobby goes Go fuck yourself pal Go fuck yourself Yeah yeah And we're laughing Laughing And this guy went like this To this And looked straight down Straight down And I don't know what he's doing He's typing away Typing away And now I'm Now And then your wife laughs We cracked up No but she's laughing a lot. Yes.
Because now it's awkward. And I kind of go, hey, man, we're comics.
And we joke around, fuck around, you know? And he just won't look up. Didn't look up.
So then I start going, let's get away from there. We stood there for a long time.
A long time. And it was so uncomfortable.
And he just kept typing away, looking down, looking down. And Bobby goes, should we walk away? Should we walk away? And walk away and i go all right we can walk away so we walk away now the whole time the conversation is how i guess how uncomfortable i feel it was so weird yeah i go i don't know what to do i mean i feel so fucking bad and i said just go over to him you you and your wife say it we said go over yeah yeah just say just say we were just kidding and i'm like i'm like going i I don't know, man.
You didn't your wife say it We said go over to you And just say we were just kidding

And I'm like

I'm like going I don't know man

You didn't need to it was already over we were kidding

Not only did I need to I didn't want to

But you did

You're a stand up guy

So I come up slowly

Hey man dude I'm so sorry that I told you to

Go fuck yourself

Seriously we're like that's just our brand of humor

You know

Usually that gets a laugh. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And I'm so sorry. And he goes, why are you apologizing to me? And I go, well, because I just, I feel bad.
And he goes, and he just goes back into his career. Now you forget one thing.
He said, that was really rude. Oh, that was right.
Yeah, he goes right yeah he goes that was really rude I go I know and then he goes back and do his thing this is like a 50 year old man we were just fucking kidding and he fucking took it to heart he screwed Bobby off and he looked back down and typed but then Bobby loved it because he walked by us he goes what if he's not even on this plane I go he's on this plane oh yeah yeah and he walked right by us and Bobby stared at him the whole fucking time. I stared at him when he walked in the plane.
Anyway, wherever you are, sir. So we're sorry.
We're fucking kidding. We're kidding.
But you know what, dude? Fuck that guy. Hell yeah, dude.
For real. Well, what did you really say to me? You come up to me all nervous and he goes, what if he runs a studio? What if he's like a president? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, You know what I mean It's Jeff Bezos Yeah Or whatever You know what I mean But it's like But then he He went to coach Bobby loved that Well I loved it because The odds of him being a studio exec Just came way down Yeah You know what I mean. I'm like, oh.
And he also had an instrument.

Yeah, he had an instrument.

Like a violin or something.

Something.

Like a small little instrument.

So, I mean, I'm pretty, probably there's an orchestra in LA that doesn't like me right now.

What if it's the LA Philharmonic?

Yeah, I don't care.

I don't go to that.

Me neither.

Yeah, yeah.

So, fuck them.

But anyway, we're sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Don't fuck yourself.

But I do believe that I took a risk. Good.
You know, I do try to make amends when it's needed of course you did the right thing and usually it works out we're like hey man i understand you know i mean whatever but that just didn't happen 10 times out of 10 it works out if not with that guy though i can't believe it i couldn't believe it but it didn't ruin a good trip we went down to austin oh he was didn't okay the friday was great We did a show with Joe. You guys weren't there.
You were at Carlos there. Joe Pantagato and Frank.
Of the Basement Yard. I think it's only available on Patreon.
That was fun. Then we went out to a great dinner.
Oh my God, a glorious dinner. Three Forks.
We had a great dinner. And then Rogan texted me.
I know I had run into Rogan earlier the night before, and he goes, Oh my God.

You all right?

No.

What?

Did you do this, CreeCore?

Cree, I did.

No, I hope they're stir-fried.

What, stir-fry?

Jesus, this guy's hungry.

Yeah, yeah.

I hope they're stir-fry.

Do you want stir-fry right now?

Carlos, go get him some stir-fry.

Go get some stir-fry.

Certified.

Yeah.

We are certified. By the way, I want to walk in here next time for him with stir fry in it.
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So Roggan invited us to the black keys so um we go it was unbelievable awesome we were backstage we met the guys you know um and but when they were about to play we for some reason ended up on the stage they walked us across the stage which was weird that was so cool i thought it was awesome no i thought it was weird like because people i think the audience like what the fuck is going on here they cheered i didn't hear cheers i heard cheers that's in your head oh it is yeah maybe it was just creek or out there maybe oh cheering for me yeah yeah and we saw the show and then i left a little early you did how long did you stay to the very end oh yeah and then we stayed afterwards and went backstage and chatted with them and oh did you really yeah it was rad i can't when you said i needed to leave joe was like where the fuck is he going and i was like this is what he does he leaves he just gets uncomfortable and needs to leave but you missed it because afterwards i saw five or six songs like i knew all the songs yeah and i was just like oh that was cool and i just kind of it just got to it was there's these two guys in back of me i don't know who those guys are yeah and then also there's a little fence here where everyone is and they're just kind of like i don't know i just felt uncomfortable i get it i felt like trapped in in a cage it was also hard for you to see well because duncan Duncan Trussell was there and I was there. Yeah.
You know. So anyway, it was a great time.
And then Saturday we did the mothership and, you know. Bounced around the mothership.
Bounced around a little bit. And then came home.
Brought some of our friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Saw Jim Norton, Erica Road. Oh my God.
Bunch of good comics. Good comics.
It was a fun weekend. Actually, it was a really- I like these little trips that we take.
These little tiny trips we take. We should take more, but we should just do it just you and I together.
Yeah, where we're not really, and we did do a show, but a simple thing. No, it was small and intimate.
It was kind of a fun little- You know what was nice to not have there? The boys. Yeah.
It felt good. It felt real good.
It felt freeing. You liked it because you turned to me at some point and you go, it's nice that McCone not here i did say that i think you did and you and you meant it and i think you not in an offensive way it was just like um you know what like a you you know compound w is is that a cream it's close yeah count to compound w um removed the warts okay you know and it's and it's like I used to have a wart on my knuckle.
And I used Compound W. Knuckle.
Yeah. He had a wart on his moose knuckle.
Yeah, my moose knuckle. And it went away.
And it was just like, oh, I don't have the wart. That's kind of what it felt like having my cone around.
Oh, that's really good. It's like it's gone.
That's funny because the warts do kind of come and go

as they please.

They do.

They grow back

at the same spot sometimes.

And also they pop up

at the most inconvenient times,

don't they?

Exactly.

So you're in a name,

wart.

Wart.

We have Abe,

Cricor,

and wart.

Yeah,

but no offense

because sometimes

when you're around,

yeah,

you know.

Sometimes warts are okay.

Yeah.

Sometimes they add character. You know when you see like a witch with boils and warts it looks cool it gives you reality check right oh i'm human or i have to deal with human things you know you got negative and no motions and stuff right yeah you got a lot of compliments uh on your gels this weekend for some reason yeah a lot yeah it drives Yeah.
It drives you crazy. It drives me nuts.

You don't like my nails.

I don't.

I know.

I don't, but I don't know why.

Yeah, why does it bother you?

Just because my dad used to make us paint our nails.

No, there's no way.

When we would lose.

Like if I lost a basketball game, he'd make me paint my nails and I'd have to wear a dress

and walk around the neighborhood and I'd say, I'm a little sissy.

I would say, I'm a little sissy boy and I can't win.

And I'd have to repeat that. And the neighborhood goes, shame, shame, shame, shame.
And they'd ring a bell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, when Cersei had to do that in Game of Thrones, oh my God, imagine. Shame, shame, shame.
And then when she gets revenge on that one crazy nun where she's in prison and that nun's like harassing her for a season and then, you know, the tables and then the mountain was it the mountain or whatever had to torture the you guys never saw Game of Thrones no do you know what it is I've seen it I've never seen an episode but I've seen it what's that oh this is fucking phenomenal we do this at the end or no we do these at the end yeah go ahead do it at the end. We don't do this now.
But he's throwing stuff in the air and I do like that he's juggling. And you know why he's trying everything right now? Why? Because he's sober as he's ever been.
He's clear-headed. He's participatory.
I don't know, man. Great A mark from me.
Well, you don't believe that I'm not drinking? I think he's just still smoking weed. I'm not.
Okay. See, that was actually very honest.
You could tell that he's not yeah how many days now a little like 95 96 or something look at me in the eyes yeah any pills no pills lexapro only prescription that's legal that's legal that's fine okay my bad no congratulations man no tussin you're not like tussin tripping no i wish no no tussin how's the sexual behavior uh i actually slowed down a little bit very good very good before you came in he was showing us hooker websites oh yeah i mean literally before you went insane that's what we're looking at yeah he was telling me what did you say say what you said i said andrew as soon as your money came in as soon as i paid the check i wrote him a check all right as soon as a check, what'd you do? I went to a website. He went to a hooker website.
We gave you a little raise, didn't we not? The moment that he cashed the check. That's insane.
Maybe we shouldn't get in that raise. Well, no, he's going to use it anyways.
I'd rather add that than on drugs. Exactly.
That's true. But also that can be a drug.
Be careful. Yeah.
And also I just want to say I got invited to a girl's place last week to do coke like two in the morning and i thought about it for a while but i didn't go he called it's a girl that you've already penetrated uh no we're working on it okay yeah thank you thanks goop thanks creek nice creek no he did call me and tell me he's like you'd be proud of me i got invited to a party that was really typically would want to go to real bad but but resisted but that's huge so these girls they call you they call you up and they say, hey, we got a bag. You got to come over.
Yeah. What's your first thought? Oh, this can be like- Here, ready? Bling, bing, bing, bing, bing.
Hello? Hey, Carlos. Hey, what's going on? What's up? Hold on, this is my- Carlos, I have a girl with me.
Who are you talking to? Carlos, you know that bald weirdo? Oh my God. Do you like him? He's like that guy Crumb Yeah We call him Crumb He's crusty What's up guys? Carlos we have a bag of coke with your name on it What are you thinking? Is there any fentanyl in it? I have one of those strips Let me check Hold on Don't laugh I know I just like No one ever Because we always have pure coke We always have pure coke And when he's asking me It's like Luckily I have these fentanyl strips Thank god Test Test test Let's see A little A little bit A little Not enough to kill anybody Not to kill anybody Want to come over Yeah I do Let me call you back Anyway There's no There's no fentanyl There's no fat now.
So please come over. I have to call Andrew.
Who's Andrew? Gross. Is that that stupid redhead from Dave? Is that that ugly guy from Dave? No, he's one of my best friends.
But is it the same guy? You're the same guy. He's friends with a little Chinese fat guy? Yeah, exactly.
Ew. That Chinese fat guy is pretty hot though.
You think so? I don't think so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why do you think so? Because it's like, guys like that, they have way bigger dicks than you think. No, that's not what I've heard and seen.
That's not true. I actually went to one of their shows and I saw it and it was fucking gross.
Well, I'm going to say I talked to his ex, Kalilah, Sarah, Christine, all his exes. They say a big dick.
That's not what Kalilah said to me. Anyway.
Are you going to come over and do this club with us or not? I'm on my way. There there he goes I'm glad that you resisted and you do the right thing and pick up the phone and call a friend do not I'm sure that's tempting too because two cute chicks want you to come over and hang out yeah it was awesome in your mind do you ever think I could go over there and not do coke and just hang out with cool hot chicks that's what my plan was I knew do you soak you know what's funny is I soaked in new york last week you did you soaked in new york is that when you leave it in sexual stuff is that's when you just put it in and let it sit yeah yeah you leave it in you're right you're right quick war and then what happens in the more ever soaked decor no but i knew it had to be dirty because carlos is doing it that's right right in the mormon community somebody gets under the bed and while you're soaking, and they bounce the mattress.
Do you know this?

That sounds fun.

Okay.

Oh, you're the... I feel like that's your job.

You'd be great at that a day.

You're like, wee!

He's just sitting cross-legged eating chips with his head hitting the bottom of the bed.

And some girls are like, who's doing it?

Oh, it's Kree Kors.

It's under the bed.

It's fine.

And he has to go, Kree Kors, Kree Kors, Kree Kors.

Wow.

You soaked in New York?

Yeah, I think it was because it was the first time with this girl.

It was like the first time we met.

That it was like a progression over the night.

Like, putting on my pants, then my underwear, then soak.

But the weird thing is,

Love on the Spectrum was on the whole time.

Really?

So I got into it.

So I was listening during this whole time.

Maybe that's why you couldn't.

That's why you stopped it soaking. Well, how do you know i didn't come because i didn't i think he did it i think this is he's a detective did you see that yeah he's a good little detective yeah you're like schlock holmes to me i i go ask away yeah uh you came to love on the spectrum and you're gonna prove it i didn't come watching love on the spectrum i promise keep going creek you got it i'm not trained for this um a quick car let's do a little scenario here i think i really think that you're like sherlock holmes okay it's the early 1800s in london i've been to london that doesn't matter It's fine Alright Right And we Him and I are Police officers We're on the scene Scene of the crime That's right Right There's a young lady Brutally stabbed There's a knife But it's broken off But we can't find the other half Of the knife Okay okay? We don't know what to do, because we're two.
Like, Mike, what do we do? I don't really know what I do. I just don't, I don't understand how we hired, like, this type of English guy from Essex or something.
Well, I got the job. Well, part of the knife is broken off.
Anyway.

Cricor, it's up to you to figure it out.

Yeah, Cricor.

We called you.

There's our phones.

We called them.

We rung you up.

We rung you up.

Yeah.

Sorry, Cricor, about his face.

You've got to finish.

He had a stroke.

You've got to finish your crime.

You're a great actor.

Are we eating beans on toast?

I think the first place you should check is inside for the other half.

Oh, inside for the

other half. Yeah.

Inside for the other half.

Are you having a stroke?

No. Yeah.

Are you English? Hello.

I'm trying to do what you're doing.

I feel like this is like watching people.

We didn't check.

We didn't check the inside. When Bobby does English, it's like a Asian guy.
Shut up, man. It's an Asian English guy.
Let me fucking commit to it, dude. Anyway, Bullocks, find the fucking other half of the knife inside the body.
So what do you do to find the other half? Creek, you're up. I think you have to flip them over and burp them.
Burp them? See if the other half comes out that way. Holy shit.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Because people swallow daggers, I think. They swallow the dagger.
Behold. Wow.
I lied in my resume. I shouldn't get this.
This. What happened to your accent? I don't know.
Yours freaked mine out. Why? You guys have to ask off.

I'm trying.

I'm committing.

Anyway, okay, so very good.

You would be a good detective.

That would be very good.

Whoa.

So you wanted us to tap his body so that the other blade would come out of the hole?

Yeah, you burp him.

You burp him.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's never been done.

There somewhere.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know, Creek. Are you finding some newfound fame? Look behind you.
We had some fan make art for you, which is incredible. Well, you're turning violet, Violet.
That's what that is. You know what that's from.
Yeah, I love Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
There it is. I don't like the Johnny Depp version at all Why is that?

Because Johnny Depp

So you hate Johnny Depp post scandal or pre scandal

He was just terrible in that movie

You don't need to make him Willy Wonka quirky

Because he's already perfect

So you think Gene Wilder's version is the best version

Yeah

By far

What about Chalamet? Didn't he just redo it?

As a young Willy Wonka Do you not like Chalamer's version is the best version yeah by far what about chalamet didn't he just redo it as a young willy wonka yeah do you not like chalamet's version um yeah i watched it it took three times to get through it but you can't beat the original you can't beat the original there's you know you really can't you really can't i don't know i don't honestly be i've only seen that movie one time god i've watched it so many fucking times. So I don't know what it's about at all.
Can I just, and I'm not making a bit out about it. Let me see if I can get it.
Let's see how close you are. Okay.
There's a factory. That's a crazy part.
There's not. Well, there's a.
Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course. And this guy Willy Wonka Willy Wonka

William T. Wonka

William T. Wonka.
Right. Runs this

chocolate factory. That's right.
And there's a promotional

kind of

contest for people that

in a bar. There's a ticket

right? And if you get the golden ticket

you get to go to this promotional thing.

Seems like you've seen it. No, I know.
I haven't. I sat one time.
Now it gets a little hazy. Okay.
So of all the kids that get the golden ticket. Right.
And then things ensue. Somebody blows up.
One of them is fat. One of them is a bitch.
Okay. Okay.
Goop. Goop.
Slow down. Who's the bitch, Goop? Veruca Salt.
Veruca Salt. Yeah.
Oh, that's her name? There's a band called Veruca Salt. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Newsflash.
Newsflash. They're named after her.
Wow. Yeah.
Anyway. How come there wasn't a band called Charlie Bucket? Charlie Bucket is such a good name for a band.
But at the end, there was a gobstopper that one of the kids stole Everlasting gobstopper And at the end of the movie He puts it on Willy Wonka's desk That's Charlie Charlie Charlie is bribed By Willy Wonka's What seems to be his evil competitor Right And he says if you steal me anlasting gomp stopper smegelsworth or something that guy what that's the guy who smegel smegelsworth or something the guy you're doing your shmegmasworth that one no it's not shmegmasworth his name in the movie is uh what is his name that fucking guy will he wantka enemy. Yeah, what is his fucking name?

Slugworth.

He wasn't even close at all.

Schmeagol's worth.

Schmeagol is...

I remember vividly as a kid watching this, by the way,

and seeing the way they shot that,

the sheen on his face. It was so smooth.

I remember the light bouncing off his cheeks

and the indentation and how

scary he looked, the way he talked to... There's no job that this guy doesn't have that scares the shit out of people.
At McDonald's, what do you think? Yeah. I wouldn't eat it.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Yeah, he's so scary in this film.
He does such a great job, but he convinces Charlie to try to steal an everlasting gobstopper. Right there, that's the scene.
And Charlie Bucket succumbs to the poor overwhelming feeling of trying to help his family out. And Jack's one with his Grandpa Joe.
You said Jack's one with his Grandpa Joe. Dude, honestly dude, you need help.
You need to go to the hospital and get your head checked out. Eat one of those chips, Creek.
Yeah, yeah. Chip, eat a Creek.
Anyway. Chip, eat a Creek.
And then Willy Wonka likes Charlie. No.
Well, he sees the good in Charlie the whole film, because all these other kids are kind of spoiled brats. There's Mike TV.
Right, right. He wants to be a Hollywood movie star.
I see. And there's Violet Beauregard and Verugherst.
Wow, so you've seen it recently.

One of my favorite.

Wow.

It was one of my favorite books as a kid.

Like, I loved it so much.

And then what ended up happening was

you stole a fizzy lifting drink.

That scene is one of the best scenes

of all time.

Right.

And so.

And he's with his uncle or something, right?

Grandpa Joe.

Grandpa Joe.

And he's.

And Grandpa Joe, I remember, goes,

come on, come on, Charlie Charlie let's leave come on and

he goes and he goes hold on grandpa Joe one second and he what that's very good and he walks up to the table I remember Willy Wonka is writing something down maybe he's like you know writing a letter or drawing a picture I don't know what he's doing and he sets it on the table he turns around and then

this isn't Charlie right?

Charlie!

Come back here Charlie!

You've won, Charlie. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You won, Charlie. Yeah, that's something like that.
The beautiful scene that these film dorks will remember is when he puts the gobstopper down and he puts his hand on the gobstopper. Do you know this moment? Willie puts his hand over the gobstopper as if to like say like this is, amends have been made.
Peace has been made. Him putting his hands on the gobstopper was you saying to the man, I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.
Dude. And all he could have done, all he should have done was ride the elevator through the glass into the sky with you.
But he didn't. That guy didn't.
That guy was Slugworth. He's Slugworth.
The man we met. You hear that violin, man? You hear that violin, man? You're Slugworth.
You are, dude. And I'm going to say this right now, dude.
I've never, ever in my lifetime. Go ahead.
No, I want you to go. I've never in my lifetime have met any individual like you, dude.
That was out of pocket. Out of pocket.
Unreal and unrehearsed. You got a lot of nerve slug.
That was a terrible trip because of you. You got it.
You got it, dude. How dare that guy.
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A little baby breakup, just a little baby breakup. A couple years ago, and she moved out of the house.
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Oh, and Hexclad is a level up. Exactly.
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Robinhood Financial LLC member SIPC is a registered broker dealer. You know what made me laugh at the end of that long trip? Was that your driver was waiting for you.
So excited to see you. Mine didn't exist.
I walked around for a while looking for this guy. Well, that happened to me the time before, remember? When mine didn't even show up at all.
And then my guy lied. By the way, this is what's the weirdest thing.
Yeah, but I didn't fuck up with Andrew. No, no, it wasn't his fault.
Okay. It wasn't Carlos' fault.
If you fuck up Thursday, I swear to God, you're fired. No, I...
Okay. No, I promise.
That's it. I'm going to call you directly and go, you're fired.
I don't want to say you. I would never happen twice.
Yeah, it won't happen. Anyway, anyway, anyway.
You just jinxed him. Fancy.
Be nice. In fact, you should get your car ready.
Like I should go there. Should I be parked there? Actually, wait a minute.
What? Carlos just got a brand new car. Why don't you put on a suit and pick him up? i can do that no should i wear all bad friends stuff and i want you to hold a sign outside of rogan's club though i don't know if you saw this there were black israelites do you know what this is goop creek do you know what a black israelite is like an african jew to me okay there was dozens of black israelites yelling in the streets they were the original jews and they were screaming at people and they were wearing purple shirts just like those shirts right there and they were screaming at people that's exactly what they were wearing that's it that's what beyonce's backup dancers wore at coachella is this at coachella i think so wow there's the trumpets they're not holding or wakanda so so these individuals did you just hear what he just said That was so fucking funny.
Oh my God. Holy shit.
Wakanda?

Wow.

This is the sniper yeah yeah let me let me ask you a question so are these people these uh individuals are they jewish of descent they say they are the original jews wow so they believe in judaism and they practice judaism they believe in okay they. They are the original Jews, they say.
They were yelling at people in the street, handing out pamphlets. Okay.
And it wasn't an approachable. I would rather the other version of Jews that's like, hey, come get a pamphlet.
Like this was very aggressive. Very aggressive.
Well, they need these people. These great fine people.
Jesus. These great fine people.
There's good people on both sides. Yeah.
There's good Jews, black Jewss and white jews no but it was crazy how aggrat they were screaming at us wow and i was like i'm just trying to go to the fucking club but they were actually protesting joe's club no no no no okay no no they were in sixth street protesting something i couldn't really hear what they were doing it had nothing to do with the club it was just out front of his fucking club because sixth street is a absolute nightmare it. It's a nightmare.
It's disgusting. Yeah.
Look at that guy right there. Yeah.
Pointing, letting you know. Yeah.
Yeah. Black Israelites.
Shout out to the Black Israelites. Okay.
Okay. Anyway.
How many shows? Now, you're going to see another show? You just went and saw a show. Who are you going to see now? I'm doing 20 shows in New York next week.
You're what? I'm going to see 20 shows in new york 20 broadway shows yeah oh by the way and whatever show we talk about ends up getting canceled sleep no more has been operating without a permit apparently for two years and they shut it down love that and and adele lost her voice and she canceled but you did go to madonna with esther no yeah that was fun it was a lot of fun yeah we're gonna see casey musk grapes together you kind of are a material girl huh not a physical material girl what's that other thing oh no then i'm not a material girl i'm more of an experienced one you're an experienced girl yeah like a virgin my favorite song by her is borderline i like that song that's so good it's a good song she's a phenomenal you remember how people talk about taylor swift huge star but do you remember in the fucking late 80s dude madonna was huge yeah she was she was the same kind of scale same kind of scale of fervor obviously not as big because the internet didn't exist if the internet existed madonna would have been as big oh yeah 100 she You would have had her bigger bigger maybe but it's hard to know because taylor swift is a global phenomenon madonna was too but the reach was just more because of the is it is it me though i'm gonna ask a serious real question here i can't i don't know a taylor swift song i mean i'm sure she's very good but like but madonna songs i know like all the like the top eight hits right yeah i think you do know taylor swift songs you just don't remember that you know them because yeah but even as a young guy i was like oh that's borderline by madonna and like it was catchy you know i mean but is it because i'm older i don't know what's going on yeah it's not for us really yeah dude we're old we're you're a 52 year old chinese man It's not for you oh yeah fuck yeah she's not writing songs for you okay she i mean seriously do taylor swift's number one songs and i gotta tell you you will know all of them it just like i literally won't like shake it off shake it off you know that song literally don't no chance never heard it i got a blank space baby and i'll write your name you know that no okay um um Literally don't. No chance.
Never heard it. I got a blank space, baby, and I'll write your name.
You know that? No. Okay.
I don't know. Bad Blood? It's so interesting.
You definitely know Bad Blood. I don't know.
I know Billie Eilish. I know Adele.
I know people who didn't build their careers off pity. Yeah.
Oh, he hates Taylor Swift. You don't? No.
Why? Not much of a singer. We don't need a 10 minute version of any song whoa you know you know what you're not a material girl you're a moody girl you're a little moody girl who's a little moody bitch over there I like that you're a little judgy bitch I think you're actually you are judgy You've never seen a Taylor Swift concert I have Oh you've been But you have to keep your enemies closer How many times have you seen Taylor Swift live? I think three times Once wasn't enough to say I don't like her It was never never her alone.
Oh, festival lineups. Oh, I see.
What artists have you seen the most? The most number of times? When I was a kid, I saw Hilary Duff 23 times. Jesus Christ.
Does she have a lot of songs? Yeah, she has an incredible discography. Ashley Simpson, hillary ashley simpson the queen of pop she's incredible do you like fugazi is that like bukkake yeah a little bit it's the same thing yeah like do you like like punk bands uh like is there a sonic youth album you know or no i wouldn't say fugazi's a punk band.
I mean, minor threats to Fugazi.

They're pretty DC punk.

The Weeknd's very good. I like his white songs and his black songs.

Creak.

The Weeknd has black and white songs?

Yeah.

What are his black songs?

His white songs are like blinding lights, and then his black songs are like

when he whispers and

says really dirty things.

Like R&B.

When he does R&B.

Yeah, whisper a little dirty thing that he would say in my ear.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, man.

No, I wouldn't say that.

No, just say it.

I need to know lyrics.

No, you know, just make it up if you don't know.

Come on.

No, they're mortifying. No, just say it.
Come on, man. Ooh, I'm blinded by the light.
Give me something aggressive. I need my phone.
No. No.
Make it up. Precore.
From your heart. Yeah, baby.
Some of that. Yeah, baby.
Pump that. Pump that juice inside my.
It's worse than that. Oh, really? Oh, let me see really let me see if I can guess if you don't want to play yeah baby let me take my fucking knuckle dick right jam it up your fucking tight twat and rip holes baby what's up I think that's what he said oh my god yeah it.
Yeah, it's like really graphic. Yeah, player.

I don't like this at all. Why?

Grossing me out.

No, I'm just saying.

I'm trying to get this.

What would he say?

Go get something.

Come on.

I'm dirty.

Come on.

Look up or nah.

No, no, no.

Don't.

We're making it up.

Oh, no.

So we're a club.

Tampa.

Sounds like it.

You don't like this at all? No, no, no, I like it

2008

Right?

Ybor Street

I'm bent over

Big booty

Booty beyond booties, dude

It's like Twilight

It's like the night sky

And I'm jiggling it

I'm going, hey

I'm called Weakwea

I'm called Weakwea

Wait

Hey

Thank you. at today.
Hey. Uncle Wikia.
Uncle Wikia.

Wait.

Hey.

Uncle Wikia.

What's your name, baby, baby?

Yo.

Yo.

It's my boy, Kreekor.

No, no, not you.

He's trying to hit.

Not Kreekor, you.

Nah, my boy's trying to hit.

My boy trying to hit.

What he going to say? Hey, Kreek, run game on this bitch What's he going to say? Run game on this bitch, Creek. You could have your own strip club with that ass.
Wow, that was weird. Are you interested in my boy Creek? Creek, run some game on this bitch.
I want game from you, player. No way.
Creek, what's up? Please, I don't want that guy. Creek, try again.
No, I think it's forceful now. I think I have to stop.
Fuck, Creek. I'm burning.
My legs are burning, dude. I think I'm going to go home.
My legs are burning. Fucking do it, dude.
Hey. This was a bad idea.
Every time we go out. You're supposed to fucking do it, dude.
Every time we go out, that's what he does. You're supposed to do it, dude.
We can't go out anymore if you keep doing that. But you're making it weird.
All you have to do is say, you know, I think you're beautiful. Can I buy you a drink? Yeah, something.
Come on, Creek. God.
You don't drink at all, right? Oh, I drink. I like drinkies.
I like... Yeah.
What's your favorite drink? I like gin. I like Jameson.
One's gin and one was whiskey. So you just like anything, really? Yeah.
Whatever gets you fucked up. Yeah.
No beer. I like beer.
Okay. I like them all.
I want to get drunk with Creek. Yeah, please.
I'm out. You're out, I know.
I'm so mad right now. I'm sorry.
My legs burst so bad right now. I'm so mad that he didn't play along.
I didn't do anything. Yeah, you fucked it up, man.
My legs are burning because we could have done a bit. Creek was trying to do the bit and he fucked it up.
Don't blame me. I know, but you don't need a friend in the scenario.
Yes, you do. As a fat person, I know how your legs feel right now.
They're burning from the bottom. No? No.
All right. Because for some reason, you don't want to do it.
Because I want to pass the mic to Creek. Yeah, I'm just trying to get some sexualities from you man we're gonna try to we're gonna have to put icy hot on bobby's legs you use icy hot bud no yeah have you put have you put bengate on your dick no no no he has no no i pocket dialed you the other night i know you did and it was cute you called me right back and I said sorry

pocket dial

yeah

you're butt dialed

sorry little butt dialed

and I giggled

I wish I could giggle

you can giggle in text

I should giggle in text

because I giggled

you know what my dad does

my dad will butt dial me

and then he'll leave

a 30 minute voicemail

of him just talking

to other people

just talking to other people

or just talking to the TV

sometimes you'll hear him

talking to the television

I'm not kidding

he's alone most of the day

so he'll just yell at the TV it's kind of I want to... I wish I could move my parents out here.
Like, don't you wish your mom was closer? No. Really? No, I don't.
Wait, why? I think I would worry about her constantly. If she was closer? No, because I know that she lives in Phoenix, and I know she lives in the suburbs.

It's nice and safe.

It's safe.

In LA, there's other elements that I don't know.

I know what you're saying.

Yeah.

I'm afraid of elements, you know what I mean, being exposed to her that I don't want.

Hollywood stuff.

Like your mom ends up at a Hollywood party.

Yeah.

Carlos. Yeah, with Carlos.
Right. Yeah, and there's like fentanyl she's like i want to try let me try carlos because she has said um before i die i want to try moana well why don't we let her try she's gonna she's old enough now i would get her that like a gummy or something like a blunt no not no she's never smoked anything no don't fucking blunt her, dude.
Come on't blunt his yeah yeah don't blunt my mom right now dude weirdo no like a little like five milligram little gummy yeah i got her yeah give her two yeah she's got five she's never smoked weed she's never touched marijuana before give her a two see how she feels give her another two see how she feels then dose her with a 20 um i also have uh mushroom chocolates in my no i don't want her to have that okay well give that to someone give that to us i know it's in the back right now it's in the back of your freezer bridge yeah oh that you were also talking about in the in the van over to the black keys i don't want to name the name but i guess you can just cook up cut that right? This older comic, Legend,

has the best LSD in the country.

Really?

Yeah, and it's liquid form,

and they go one drop.

You're telling me Jay Leno has the best LSD?

Yeah, yeah, Jay Leno did.

Have you ever done acid?

Oh, yeah.

I hated acid when I did it.

I didn't like it.

Yeah.

Mushrooms love.

No, I like acid because it's more I just it's more intense the you know what I mean like I I hallucinate crazy like the walls open up I wonder if you can see as much as we see when you hallucinate probably not as much because it's I don't you see it in the peripheral it's a little blinders, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only see this much.

Imagine.

Yeah, man.

Asian hallucinating is overly restricted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, Bobby, do you see that dragon?

You're like, where, where?

Yeah, where?

Yeah, yeah.

I have to actually directly look at it, you know what I mean?

And not, you know.

When Asians hallucinate, their vision is just like an Apple Pro,

where you have to kind of move your head around a little bit to see it all. Well, that's why they didn't run when the fucking bomb hit.
And I couldn't see it coming. Yeah.
They were just. I mean, they didn't.
You know, if they had regular eyes, they could have seen it up. They could have seen it and they would have run.
But they're like, oh, what? By the way, there was a guy on the plane wearing an Apple Vision Pro. And it is funny to watch a guy.
Yeah. He was sitting like right there in that seat right next to me and it was funny to watch a guy like this.
Wow. And his people next to him just like reading a book.
That is going to be the future. The whole plane is going to be on devices.
But what's the difference between Apple Vision and Oculus? Because I have an Oculus and I was tired of it after two weeks. Apple Vision is supposed to be significantly better than...
Really? Yeah, but the technology is better. Where can I get one? Can I go to the Apple store right now and buy one? Yeah, right now.
They're $5,000. Fuck! Yeah, the Oculus is only, what, $600? Yeah.
It's very reasonable in comparison. Yeah, they're $500.
$500, but the Apple one is $4,000. And by the way, it depends on the gigabyte you get.
That's $4,000 for the 512. That's where it starts, right? And what can you do? Watch movies? Anything.
It's fully immersive. You can be watching something, but it's also, what do you call it? You can see what's going on outside of the glasses while also being in, what is that called? What is it? Augmented reality, right? So it looks like that.
You see that guy, he's looking at his office, but he's also has screens in front of his face. So if I'm watching that, right, and I'm laying in my bed, I could watch a movie?

Yeah.

And is it... And you can also see what's going on in your house.

Look at that, just like that.

Like apps pop up in the air.

But let me see what it looks like

when you have a movie on.

That's what he just...

Right, the first picture.

First picture right there is that.

That's it.

Oh, you see your room then?

Yes.

Yes.

Wow, okay.

Amazing.

And you can move that screen to wherever you want. You can also have multiple screens up at once oh you can do that look at that fully immersive immersive wow you can also enter the mode where it is completely surrounding you where you don't see the room incredible i'm gonna should we get one it sounds like we're doing a plug for him right now let's get one can we get one for the show no i want to buy one should i buy one you should buy one did you buy one no i don't want to buy one can you wear it while you drive shut the fuck up i've seen people shut the fuck up no you know what they're figuring people you know what creek i that's definitely illegal to to drive with this okay 100 but it will be the future we will be able to do that yeah you're gonna get in a car they're gonna make you put that on self-driving right so you don't touch the wheel so you're doing something else what is it now what uh what are they're all sold out do you just go to the app you can get them still yeah let's go to the store and go get one bob yeah okay i'm gonna buy one i mean they they look fun i just think they're cool in it crazy expensive yeah i mean i can get one well seriously though how many people are buying buying this how many people can afford this? Not a lot.
It's extremely...

It's expensive.

It's a decadent.

You think it'll go down?

Yeah.

Well, if a PlayStation 5, you can't even find,

so you have to find them on the internet,

and that was 2,500 bucks.

It sold only 200,000 units.

Wow.

That's not a lot.

Yeah.

In a country as vast as we have,

but with a wealth gap the way that it is now, too, you're talking more and more people cannot afford it. There's no way.
It's really silly. It's crazy.
But also, you should go buy one. I'm going to buy one.
Yeah, you should. Yeah.
You can afford it. You know, I've been watching online on YouTube, whatever, you know, court drama.
Yeah. And

if I was

guilty, I wasn't guilty and I was

accused of something and I get a life sentence,

I don't

know if I'd be stoic

when the judge

says the verdict. I'm going to hand it down

to you right now.

Order.

Order in the court.

Should I be stoic?

You should react how you'd react.

What did I do? What am I accused of doing?

I'll get to it.

Okay. Mr.
Lee, please be quiet.

Would the court

stenographer, Cree Court, please

hand me my sheet?

Thank you, Cree.

Looking good today, Cree.

Hold on.

I always turn to the family. Yeah, you have to turn to the family and no one's there mm-hmm mr.
Lee no no one came mr. Lee mr.
Lee mr. Lee I'm not gonna ask again oh sorry yeah pay attention okay mr.
Lee in the county in the county court case 4965, you have been accused of showing your anus in a public forum. Open anus.
How do you plead? Not guilty. You plead not guilty.
They don't really do that because when you give the verdict. Mr.
Lee, how do you plead to showing your public anus? Not guilty, your honor. We do have this video right here that we can show you of your anus being shown in public.
You still plead not guilty? I'm guilty. Mr.
Lee. I'm guilty.
I'm guilty. I didn't know you had video.
Mr. Lee, I've been a judge.
You have the video. For 36 years.
Who gave me the video? Carlos? I've never seen something so egregious. disgusting in my life.
Yeah. I'm sending to you now.
45 life. 45 to life.
What? What? What? Wait. 45 for what? Was it on my butthole? Mr.
Lee, Mr. Lee, I've changed my mind.
Because of your emotion. I've changed my butthole! Because of your emotion, I've changed

my mind. Mom!

No one's there.

Who the fuck you, man? That's the stenographer.

Creek Horror? Yeah, that's Creek.

Mr. Lee, because of your emotion.

Oh, you'll go? No, I'll go to prison.

Okay.

I'll suck your dick.

Okay.

In prison, I will. You're gonna get more time by doing that.
Okay, all right. Don't suck the judge.
Did he say dick or d. In prison, I will.

You're going to get more time by doing that.

Okay, all right.

Don't suck the judge.

Did he say dick or dicks?

He said dicks.

Thank you.

Thank you, Creek.

Good reaction.

Really?

That was really good.

I would have given you less time.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cut in half for sure.

Well, they don't do the guilty thing then.

They do the trial, and then so now it's just that.

You saw the one guy that jumped and almost tried to beat the shit out of the judge? Oh, yeah. They sent this to him, and he jumped over the desk? Oh, yeah.
Or the guy, his lawyer, he's handcuffed, but he does that elbow attack? Yeah, to hit him in the... Yeah, yeah, and he gets him.
Yeah. God, it's so good.
What would you do? Well, am I cuffed? Oh, yeah. Oh, you headbutt him..
Where's the head? You know sometimes? No, don't do that. Don't hurt that thing.
Why? Because it's going to break. He's my lawyer.
All right. All right, here we go.
My lawyer right here. Hope you hurt yourself.
I won't. Well, I'm going to do this like this.
He it's like, he's a little head. Yeah.

And your lawyer's whispering to you, we're going to go away for a little while. It's not going to work out.
So give me the guilty verdict. Mr.
Lee, in the case of 495648, showing your open butthole in public, I find you guilty. 45 years to life.
I knew it was gonna break did it crack? yeah Bob we could fix it such a nice gift I know we could fix it that was real acting yeah the acting was good he'd be in trouble no he'd be fine you'd go go to prison. I hurt so.
Yeah, it's got to hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, why? Stop typing now. Oh, please stop.
Stop hitting. I can't believe you.
You typed the action? Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, pick that up. Pick that up.
That was improv, right? Yeah, yeah. No.
Pick that up. Pick that up.
That was scripted. Give it to me.
Like Bobby. Give it to me.
Oh. Oh my God.
I know. It's okay.
I can't believe you broke that.

No, we can fix it.

Can we?

Yeah.

There we go.

It looks like new.

You know what's incredible about you?

The fucking beautiful artist that made that will like it more now that it's broken.

Do you know that? That looks better.

And if I did it, they'd be fucking livid.

McCone, this is your new job.

You're going to get epoxy and glue and all that stuff. You're going to fix that the next time we do it with epoxy and glue.
Show me that video. I want to see that.
This is so true to life. How true is this? Here we go.
This woman. Going for a fart walk after dinner is something that's going to help you age wonderfully.
And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go out for fart walks most nights after dinner so about 60 minutes after we've eaten we put on our running shoes and off we go now why do we do this well we eat a lot of fiber so we have gas and uh yeah you fart when you walk so that's why i named it that but the main reason that we do the fart walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes, we used to walk for about 10, 15, 20, but not really quickly. It's more of a moderate walk.
We are helping reduce our chances of developing type 2 diabetes. Pause it.
Wow. That's incredible.
Incredible. A fart walk is genius because every time you're with your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, you eat dinner and then you sit around the house and you're holding it in.

I don't.

Well, you're not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if you're trying to like hook up that night and you're trying to have a sexy night

together, you should take a fart walk.

Yeah.

I highly recommend a fart walk.

You know, we do this.

We take fart walk.

You and your wife-

I swear to God.

I cut mine.

Huh?

Is that Susan Sarandon?

No, it's not. Yes.
I cut my farts. What do you mean you cut your farts? Oh, this is the butthole, right? Oh, you slowly let it slide.
No, I don't know. God damn it, man.
Yes. But let me finish.
I don't know. I'm going to use this.
That's too big of a butthole. Let's just say this is the butthole.
No, that looks right. All right.
This is the butthole, right? What I do is I cup it like this, but with my fingers here, I spread open the cheeks a little bit. Oh.
What's so funny? Carlos likes it. Yeah, I spread open the cheeks so it doesn't make a sound.
Right, so it's- So it goes in my cup, right? And then what I do is I cup it. And you can get 40% of the smell in your hand.
That's a number scientifically? Yeah, I've experimented. Where do you put it? What? And you go, hey, Charlie.
Oh, you wave it out to the sky. Yeah, yeah.
You wave it. Hey, Frankie.
Whatever. Even if there was no one's there.
You just wave. Yeah.
Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. You don't cup your farts? I do not.
Okay. Grab them? Yeah, grab them.
It's a gas. Yeah.
I got to say this. I think healthy couples should be able to fart in front of each other.
You and Kalilah farted on each other. Yeah.
That was kind of part of your tradition. Mm-hmm.
Do you ever fart in front of your wife? Of course I have. What are you talking about? Oh, but you remember you were mad at me? Yeah, when you farted on my wife? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was very mad. I didn't see a man to get so mad i was very upset that was a line cross yeah you get really defensive around her when you fart on her yeah no you can't fart on someone's wife that's not even just that pal i won't i don't even sneeze it's not even just sneeze.
Here's another thing he does, dude. Yeah.
Right? The coffee incident in Austin. What happened in the coffee? Do you remember? What happened? You call me and go, you want coffee? I go, yeah.
I walked down and said, I had just woken up, right? And you guys, you and your wife are sitting there. And I walk up to your wife and I go.
As if, where's my coffee? And you go, hey, man, back up, dude. Sit there, dude.
dude fuck don't talk to my wife like that that's right why because I did this what the fuck is that you don't walk up to someone and go yes you do when you want coffee yeah I had a coffee shop no we were in the hotel lobby he was saying this to my wife in the hotel lobby you weren't in the't in the coffee shop anymore, Bobby. That's right.
Imagine, imagine, if you said that to your wife, fancy, walked up to her like this, like she's a fucking, like she works for you. You don't ever do that.
So yes, I made you go sit down and you went and sat down. I said, sit down.
Don't do that ever again. Sit down.
Yeah, but see, you don't talk to me like that. Yes, I do and I did and I will.
And you did. You went and sat down, didn't you? I don't know why.
You did. I know, but I did.
When you talked to me like that, I don't know why I do. I feel, you know what? I blush a little bit.
Because it was rude. And I get a little angry too.
But your coffee was on the way. So just sit down.
Don't you demand it. It's gotten, by the way, I asked you, I said, can I get you something? Oh, that's right.
That's what you did. That's right.
Well, that's okay. And I want to say this and shout out to fucking shout out to the way that you and I eat these

days.

We went to three forks.

We ordered the menu.

Oh my God.

And I'm saying, and those boys, you know, you flipped me.

I remember when we first started touring, I said, Bob, you don't need to get all that,

all those appetizers.

I know you do it now too.

You know why?

Why?

Can I say it?

Can I say it on here?

Good.

I love it.

Because you touched a piece of my heart.

And I'm going to tell the fans. Bingo.

I'm going to tell the fans.

Bobby came up to me one night. We were walking.

And in all seriousness, he said,

hey, you have

your thing. You can go have a drink

with someone and go hang out.

But all I have is food.

That's all I've got.

Are you doing right now? No, he's not back. Please don't say he's back.
Is that Carmine? Hey, you know you come around here. Oh, shit.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
It's exactly what we're talking about right now. So what? This is why I love you.
So, yeah, so now what he did. No, you got serious with me.
At three quarts.

And you're not letting me be serious.

You were being serious.

Oh, you're being serious.

You were being serious.

You're so serious.

And you said, I'm an addict.

This is all I have.

You got to let me have this.

And you were very serious.

You got emotional.

And I said, you know what?

You're right.

Why would I keep you from enjoying something like this?

So next couple of times we went out, including in the perpetuity,

we order anything you want

or anything you want,

as much as you want.

I even say to you,

hello.

You want bees on toast?

Bees on toast?

You want a fucking

such a...

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thanks for being a bad friend.

Very good.

Very good. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.