Bobbi Althoff Hates Us

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Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 2 the last leg of our tour,

Speaker 2 and these are going to be our best shows. These are.
We're in Windsor, Ontario. Windsor, Ontario, Ontario.
Niagara Falls. Ontario, Tucson, Arizona.

Speaker 2 And then we finish on 420 in the United States in Las Vegas, Las Vegas, Nevada. But we added Abu Dhabi.
We're coming to the United

Speaker 2 Arena. Etieth Arena, May 21st.

Speaker 2 We can fill the Etiette Re Arena. Let's hope so.
Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com for tickets.
We also got new merch that we got. We got these

Speaker 2 tickets. That's the Beastie Boys.
Beastie boys. Show them.
Show them, kiddo. I love it.
The sweatshirts with the beastie boys. The fear and loathing shirt.

Speaker 2 Go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com.com.

Speaker 2 I'm doing six dates. Andrew Santino's doing six dates to run my new hour in the club.
October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs. He's doing Cobbs.

Speaker 2 I'm doing six clubs. Yeah, yeah.
October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs. Are you doing? I'm actually doing Cobbs.
Yeah, October 4th, I'm doing it, though. I think I'm doing it in June.

Speaker 2 But go to AndrewSantino.com for those dates. I'm doing Houston, Nashville, San Francisco, Tampa.

Speaker 2 Go to AndrewSantito.com for all of those dates. See you soon.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Her attitude's already stinky.
She has a stinky attitude already, dude.

Speaker 2 You're telling me she stinks already?

Speaker 2 Put the mic as close to the side of the street.

Speaker 2 I think she physically smells good, good, but I think her attitude is stinky.

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 2 What are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 Don't hand it to her nice, dude. That's a celebrity, dude.

Speaker 2 Is she?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she is. Oh, whoa, dude.
You don't have to wear these. You don't have to.
No, but it helps

Speaker 2 here your own. Don't that, don't that? You don't want to fuck her.
It's fine. Don't do that here.
Then throw it down or just put it wherever. Just hold it.

Speaker 2 Please hold it. Thank you.
I love these slacks. The buttons on the side are cool.
Is this

Speaker 2 fashion? What grandma's couch is this made out of? I was waiting for that. Well, I got you pants, by the way.
I got you a gift. Where do you find them?

Speaker 2 You don't buy those, but where do you find them? I got you a gift for real because I know you like fashion. Oh, I got gifts.
No, you don't. I have a ring.
So non-thoughtful.

Speaker 2 That's a ring that a fan gave you. But you like Korean?

Speaker 2 Korean what? Korean rings.

Speaker 2 What is the ring? It's from the ring is from the war, Korean war. Korean war.
Okay. You know, we had a war, right? This is fun.
I got you

Speaker 2 I got you pants. Yeah, um you did yeah I got you never got me pants

Speaker 2 You know what I got you

Speaker 2 if you say career It's gonna really bother me dude

Speaker 2 You said it no, that's what you feel. I didn't say it.
You said it. I had one before

Speaker 2 not great. Yeah, but I had one.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what? It was Nicky Snickanicki has really gotten your head, my friend.

Speaker 2 Ricky Snicky has really gotten to his head. One on Amazon.
Yeah, number one on Amazon.

Speaker 2 I did get you a gift. These are for you.
These are pants. What are they? These are Yeezys.
Yeezy pants. I bought you Yeezy pants.
I'm not kidding at all. He saw.
They're Yeezy pants.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and open them up so she can see. Open them up for her so she can see.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Hold that up.
What do you think? Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 You like those? I love them. Those are vultures.
Those are Yeezys.

Speaker 2 Why are they so big? They're her size.

Speaker 2 I don't think they are.

Speaker 2 Pretty sure they are. Are those for Moamer?

Speaker 2 Not that he's big, but I'm just saying. Okay.

Speaker 2 What were you saying?

Speaker 2 Your attitude right now is different. Go ahead and introduce our guest.
Bobby Altoid.

Speaker 2 That was so funny.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bobby Altoff. Altoff.

Speaker 2 Are you Jewish? No.

Speaker 2 Do you want to be?

Speaker 2 What type of question is that? That's a silly one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You aren't Jewish? No. Are you sure? I'm sure.
Have you done a 23andMe? Do you know your history? Yeah. Your genetical makeup.

Speaker 2 Do you think you might have owned...

Speaker 2 Your family might have... Owned slaves? Maybe.
Is that what you were going to ask?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what do you think?

Speaker 2 Bobby Altoff is of Jewish history. He made being Jewish cool again.

Speaker 2 Did you guys just make this up? Yeah, we wrote all these articles yesterday

Speaker 2 before you came in.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why does it say I'm of Jewish descent? Are you? No. What's the deal? Why are you so adverse to me? Hesitant.
I'm just confused.

Speaker 2 I did do 23andMe. I'm not.
Can we stop looking me up or whatever you're doing?

Speaker 2 I'd love to hear about your upbringing. Oh, great.
May I ask some questions?

Speaker 2 Sure. Was there a lot of of flowers?

Speaker 2 Growing up, like, did you see wilderness? Did you see nature?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Like, when you walked outside, did you see

Speaker 2 birds? Like, what are you trying to get at?

Speaker 2 I want to know if you lived in the city or if you lived, grew up in the suburbs or the farm. Take it down.
Oh, you right? You think so? Take it down just a little bit. I don't know, dude.

Speaker 2 She's provoking me, dude. It's too high right now.
All right. Let me ask you another question.
I mean, the same question, but in a different way. I'm going to teep it down.
Yeah, teep it down.

Speaker 2 I teep it down. Bobby Eltoyd.
No.

Speaker 2 That was so funny the second time and the first time we're going to see it again. Look at her.
She's gone. She's ready for you.

Speaker 2 Can you ask a question?

Speaker 2 My work speaks for itself.

Speaker 2 It does. It does.
So, um.

Speaker 2 Bobby. Yes.
Do you not have a question? It sounds like you don't have a question. I do.
No, I do. Did you grow up in the suburbs or the city?

Speaker 2 um like kind of on a farm a little bit exactly

Speaker 2 that's what I thought thank you yeah yeah so your dad was a farmer no okay

Speaker 2 I grew up on two acres one or two acres

Speaker 2 two acres okay

Speaker 2 how I don't want to know the specifics but um is your dad a doctor no what does your dad do he builds houses architect No, contractor. Oh, contractor.
My bad. Yeah.
Handyman, contractor, architect.

Speaker 2 Did your mother work? Janitor, custodian,

Speaker 2 president. Fix-it-boy.

Speaker 2 Blue collar.

Speaker 2 Not a collar at all, in fact. Probably t-shirts, if I'm being honest.
No collar. No collars.
No collar. No collars.

Speaker 2 No collars.

Speaker 2 Did your mother work? No. What did she do? She would be really mod if she heard me say that, though.
Oh. Because she raised you.
She did. And that's work.
And it's work. A lot of work.

Speaker 2 I think a lot of work. To raise her? I think so.
Yeah. To raise me or people in general? Just me? You specifically.
Is mommy a job? Of course.

Speaker 2 What? Well, you have that job, right? I do. Yeah.
Yeah, you're a mommy.

Speaker 2 Why do you talk like that?

Speaker 2 You like work? Is she a mommy? I can't believe people enjoy listening to you. Oh, and vice versa.
Yeah. If I may.
Yeah. No, I'm kidding.
We know why you're popular. We like you a lot.

Speaker 2 We've considered you the third bad friend. And we also are huge fans of yours.
And also, can I just say something?

Speaker 2 You know, we normally probably wouldn't do other people's podcasts. We generally try and I do a lot.

Speaker 2 I do a lot, but you do everybody's. I do everybody's.
But

Speaker 2 when you asked. You and Mark Normand are in the race for who can be.
I know. Hey, we all do it.
Yeah, but when you asked, I was like, well, can I ask you a question, though?

Speaker 2 Because you asked me way before, like six months before I actually did it. So what the fuck happened? You call, you text me, and you go, or you DM me, you're going, can you do my podcast?

Speaker 2 I'm going to come over Friday. Friday comes around, you're a no-show, and then I don't hear you from you for six months later.
It wasn't a no-show. I said, I text you and said, Sorry.

Speaker 2 To me, that's no-shows. That's not.
Okay, you were a show.

Speaker 2 You texted me. I didn't just like ghost you.
I know, but it was an hour before. Yeah.

Speaker 2 An hour before. Was it? Yeah, before you came to my.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 An hour before you came to my

Speaker 2 do you want an apology? No, I want to know what happened. Tyga had to do it that day.

Speaker 2 You got bumped for Tyga.

Speaker 2 Can I may I ask you a serious question?

Speaker 2 Who did better numbers? I mean, the audio downloads. Tyga did.
Tyga's audio downloads are going to be better than yours for sure. Okay.

Speaker 2 Click on her profile picture, her photo. There you go.
Videos? Yeah, videos.

Speaker 2 Go down to Tyga.

Speaker 2 All right, so Bobby's at what? What does it say? 1.8 million right there with his legs spread? 1.9. 1.9 million.
Thank you, Pete. Where's Tyga?

Speaker 2 there at five five million okay

Speaker 2 i did that hurt so bad

Speaker 2 no the whole thing hurt but the but the um the tick tock um views were pretty good for me yeah

Speaker 2 i saw a clip it was got like 55 million or something yeah yeah we did have a clip that did that so for six months then you were like okay i'm gonna do taiga and then for six months you were gone Yeah, in that six months, you didn't think of me?

Speaker 2 No, I did. But you were like, probably not.
I actually thought you were really mean and I wasn't looking forward to meeting you. But Rick Glassman assured me that you were nice in real life.

Speaker 2 There's a guy you should always listen to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's your opinion now?

Speaker 2 Not much has changed. I don't know.

Speaker 2 You scared me a little. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 2 What was your opinion of me before you met me and then after? Truly, I had no opinion of you before. Good.

Speaker 2 People generally don't. I had heard of.

Speaker 2 I'll be honest. People don't have an opinion of me before.
Generally don't. And then when they meet you, they kind of do.
And that's a good thing. Yeah, well, yours is usually negative.

Speaker 2 No, it's positive. She just said she thought you were an asshole, and then she met you, and it was confirmed.
But she had an opinion.

Speaker 2 I think it's better to have an opinion than not having an opinion before. You should have less opinions is how I feel.

Speaker 2 You know, you're acting strange today, dude. What is it you think? You didn't sleep well or something.
Did not. I know, I can tell by that.
You stuck all night. I was worried about this interview.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me too. All night.
I woke up four times to pee thinking, what are we going to do? What are we going to talk to this fucking goon about? Yeah, yeah. And

Speaker 2 I didn't get any sleep. And now I.

Speaker 2 What was your opinion after we met?

Speaker 2 You're lovely. Am I? Yeah.
We got on pretty well. So let me ask you.
Wait, wait, no, no. Stop.
I want to move on.

Speaker 2 Can I ask one more lot and then we'll move on? Because yours haven't been, there's been no good questions out of you so far.

Speaker 2 Am I wrong? Can we back this this up or no? I like the flower question. Yo, that one was a fucking home run.
Way to go, Pete.

Speaker 2 The flower question. Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah, it's called Nature's Beauty. You don't know about Nature's Beauty, dude? You're on fire today.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. All right.
Go ahead. So your opinion of Andrew after you met him, is your opinion stronger about him than your opinion about me after that we met?

Speaker 2 Is the love you have for me more than the hate you have for Bobby? I don't think that came out.

Speaker 2 I just came out weird.

Speaker 2 is that how is that how you meant it is the love for me bigger than the hate for Bobby that's how I meant it yeah uh

Speaker 2 it's like a tie good yeah that's good oh that's good would you go huh to get that

Speaker 2 creation yeah okay anyway go what are you plugging creation what the fuck is going on with you today

Speaker 2 What is going on with you? Dude, even if you saying this right now, you would never ask what's going on with me. I don't like it.
Yeah, yeah, whatever you're doing right now, stop it.

Speaker 2 I had a bad thing. You're trying to brag in front of her or something.
I'm not. Yeah, you're changing your thing.
Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm like,

Speaker 2 ow.

Speaker 2 That hurt. Is this normally how your podcast goes? Yes.
You talk to each other while your guest watches.

Speaker 2 Oh, do you want to? Yeah, let's not compare podcasts. Yeah, let's not do this.
Dude, because yours.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 2 Your little girls. You're a little girl.
You're two kids. Oh, no, I mean your children.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a real question. Okay.

Speaker 2 Slow down.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm this close. To what? To what? Honestly, to what? Leaving? Not leaving, but like really having it.
Oh, having a hoe down with you. Okay, let's hoe down then.
What? You got to sleep better.

Speaker 2 You had a good set last night. No.
You're delusional, dude. Bobby.
Yes. Put your phone down right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what's so funny with you. What is your question? No, I have a question.
Yeah. With your little ears sticking out like that, you know, you look like a wood elf.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 From the movies. You're going to look up what that is.
Yeah, yeah. Or we're going to show it to you.
You really look like a wood elf right now. Show it to the fans there.
That's a nice look.

Speaker 2 What would her wood elf name be? Huh? What would her name be? There we go. That's her.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Bingelow. Bingelo.
Stevens. Bingelow Stevens.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Your wood elf name is Bingelo Stevens. Thank you.
And you live in the deep forest. Sounds good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In that mythological world, what do you think I would be?

Speaker 2 A troll.

Speaker 2 A little troll. I'm a little troll or a big troll? Big troll.
Okay. Fuck you.
Big troll. Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 2 I have to ask, I want to know. This is a question because I think about this a lot.
My buddy has three girls. When the girls reference their father, what do they call him? Todd.
Dad or daddy? Daddy.

Speaker 2 They say daddy. Yeah.
I just feel like I don't, if I ever have a daughter, I don't want. Do you want your daughter to call you daddy? That's not weird.
Don't make it weird.

Speaker 2 You could do papa, pop. That's weirder.
How is pop or papa or poppy weirder than daddy? Daddy's only weird because. Daddy's what Puerto Ricans call everybody.
Don't spake me daddy. See?

Speaker 2 It's weird.

Speaker 2 It's weird that you're not. It just sounds weird.
You know what I mean? I don't like daddy. I'll do my homework, daddy.

Speaker 2 Doesn't it sound weird? I don't like daddy. Yeah, I don't like daddy.

Speaker 2 It grosses me. It's cute.
Yeah, yeah. Why is it

Speaker 2 sweet? But then how come it transfers over into adulthood? People do that to like everything. Go do it again.
Do it to something else.

Speaker 2 Nice try. Thank you.
Yeah, nice fucking try. Someone's got a moment.
No one goes out. No adult male goes, mommy, you'd fucking throw up on site.

Speaker 2 If I walked into a friend's house and he was like, mommy, can we have

Speaker 2 a daughter? You're in America.

Speaker 2 So shut your up. Fuck up right now, dude.

Speaker 2 No, see what I'm saying, though? Daddy transfers into adult language. I'm like a problem.
Apa is Korean.

Speaker 2 How does Apa sound? Appa is great. Yeah.
Appa and Oma. I'll do my homework.
Appa.

Speaker 2 You ruined it already.

Speaker 2 What do you think? I know you don't do your homework, so I think that's it.

Speaker 2 You're definitely getting spanked. Anyway, it's Apa and Oma, right? Yeah.
Dude, you're so bilingual.

Speaker 2 That's high six Japanese, but anyway,

Speaker 2 did you know what kind of Asian I am?

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 You don't know what kind of Asian I am.

Speaker 2 Do you care? No.

Speaker 2 What's your favorite ethnic food? Mexican. Oh, you like it?

Speaker 2 What dish do you get? What Mexican dish do you get? Tamales. Oh,

Speaker 2 basic.

Speaker 2 Do you really, do you think the word basic would apply to you genuinely or no? No. Because

Speaker 2 it's not a negative connotated thing. Basic is kind of nice.
I'd say I'm basic. Yeah, I would say the same.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm complex. You are.
You are. You are.

Speaker 2 You know what I am? Diverse. I'm two shifts away from the Rubik's Cube being solved, and you're when all the colors are fucking all over the place, which is beautiful.
It's not a bad thing.

Speaker 2 I disagree.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm already solved.
All the colors are on all the right sides. Absolute fucking lootly.
Yes. Do you really think you're a cohesive thing? Yeah, but then I mix it up myself.

Speaker 2 It's like a nightmare right you it up every morning but then i but at in the morning it's back to the same colors right it's like a movie yeah right like every day you fuck up all this shit and then overnight it somehow everything fixes it you know why because everybody else is doing it for you someone comes in the room bro i swear to you're dude i'm telling you right now dude you're this close of having a fucking hoe down

Speaker 2 You're this close. And we haven't had a hoe down in a very long time, dude.
And I'm willing to, I'll get my cowboy hat and I'm willing to go down, dude. Go get it.

Speaker 2 heeha dude focus on the guest okay let's go she's on her phone again again oh my god she's bored she's not bored oh she is no

Speaker 2 you're not

Speaker 2 you know what

Speaker 2 you you you are more than welcome to leave at any time I don't want her to

Speaker 2 if you want to go go please don't actually well I don't want you to if she wants to go let her go we did hers

Speaker 2 Who cares? She does ours. If you want to go, I don't want to keep you here if you don't feel like being here.
If you don't have any more questions. No, I have a million of them.

Speaker 2 I have a million questions. All right.
She's ready to

Speaker 2 let her go. This is the first time I've ever seen it, but I think that you're a decent human being, looking human being.

Speaker 2 Decent-looking human being. And all of it, I mean,

Speaker 2 in the insides as well. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 Were you really saying?

Speaker 2 What were you saying? What? You were saying.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'll be honest with you. I was like, I don't have any questions.
So then I just, you know what I mean? I went with my instinct. Right.
And it came out weird.

Speaker 2 Neurobasic look good and good. Good look.

Speaker 2 What's on Bobby Altoff's Spotify top songs? Like kids' music. Like what? Like Miss Rachel? That kind of stuff?

Speaker 2 Make Spotify music.

Speaker 2 She doesn't have any jams? Not on Spotify. How about Peppa Pig?

Speaker 2 They don't listen to their music.

Speaker 2 You know what? Bobby, let's create a child song now. I'll do a line.
You do a line. We'll go all the way down the line.
Sounds good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Red balloon in the sky with the butterfly me.

Speaker 2 Sliding down the slide at the park this afternoon.

Speaker 2 I'm going to pass.

Speaker 2 We'll try it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm glad, Bob. What? Yeah.
I'm not giving nothing.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Go ahead, Bob.
Well, how about open your heart when we get to you?

Speaker 2 Not make a decision now. Okay.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, and.
The red train going down the track.

Speaker 2 Who's that man standing outside my window?

Speaker 2 We can just keep doing it. Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. It's the mailman, but he's got a funny eye.
Why is he staring at me for so long today?

Speaker 2 He doesn't have mail, but two hatches in his hand. Interesting, and no pants on his legs.

Speaker 2 I call him Billy, but he goes, I'm not Billy today.

Speaker 2 I'm a murderer.

Speaker 2 You guys rehearse that? Yeah, we fucking rehearse. Yeah, it's called improv.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? Sorry. Too much.

Speaker 2 That's enough. It was too much.
No, I like it. Yeah, yeah.
Did you ever.

Speaker 2 Did you take improv classes? I should.

Speaker 2 I think you should. I think we should teach her now.
No, I don't want to. No, because I'll tell you why.
What I noticed when I did hers, in my mind, I'm like, she doesn't know improv.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she does. Yeah.
So I'm like,

Speaker 2 if we could teach her, then maybe, you know.

Speaker 2 What's Bobby's comfort zone? Where do you feel the most happy?

Speaker 2 Sleeping. I love that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many hours a day? Not many. Because of the children? Yeah.
Let me ask you something. Yeah.
Because I know a guy who saw his nanny

Speaker 2 hit the kid. Oh, wow.
On the thing. In the face? Yeah, it was abuse.
Wow. And the cop showed up a couple days later.
A couple days.

Speaker 2 It's LAPD, bud. Yeah.
They got stuff going on. Yeah.
Unless it's a gang war. It's like a kid hits.
Big fucking deal. Big deal.
If I took that call.

Speaker 2 But I can't, if you saw that, would you, I mean, obviously, what would you do? You'd be enraged? Yeah, I'd fire her. You'd fire her? But would you call the authorities? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 She slapped my kid. Yeah.
That's it.

Speaker 2 That's it. Yeah.
You're not going to go physically assault her. You're not going to have a hoedown?

Speaker 2 You're not going to make a ring-a-ding-ding to somebody who should not, would not be named and have that woman disposed of? For slapping my kid? Yeah. No.
In the sea, you go.

Speaker 2 You cross my kids in the sea. Bloom.
Is that another song? Yeah.

Speaker 2 In the sea, you hit my kids. No, you will drown.

Speaker 2 If you hit my kids, you drown in the sea. Okay, my bad.
If you hit my kids, I will drown in the sea. Drown you in the sea.
Pacific Ocean. We got to be specific.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because I think the Pacific is

Speaker 2 a bigger ocean. But it's not a sea.
Pacific Ocean isn't a sea.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Oh, Mediterranean Sea.
So far.

Speaker 2 Indian Sea? No, that's far. How about the Bay? Mexico Bay.
Sure.

Speaker 2 It's not a C either. Yeah, can you please?

Speaker 2 She's back on her phone. Back on your phone.
You guys keep talking to each other. What am I supposed to do? Just stare at you?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, do whatever you want. Be free.
We're just so glad you came. What's that tattoo on your left arm there? My children.

Speaker 2 Holding hands. Will you

Speaker 2 have another one? I was going to say, will you regret that tattoo?

Speaker 2 Because they're going to get bigger. They're not going to look anything like that.
That's going to be embarrassing. These are my kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, I think it's a fond memory.
They're already bigger than this. They have these outfits.
I saved them.

Speaker 2 You saved those outfits? Yeah, because they're like forever etched on my body. Do you have any on your legs? No.
Okay. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Anyway, disgusting.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 I remember you saying that a lot when I was with you. I was disgusted.

Speaker 2 You didn't say, she didn't say that once. Did you not? Not on ours.
Yeah, you because I think I disgusted you. Yeah, many times.
Many times. He did not disgust you.
Well, he wasn't like

Speaker 2 putting his toes out.

Speaker 2 Oh, my toes are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Taking his shirt off. I didn't take my shirt off.
How dare you? I think you did. I did.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did. But I apologize for that, but it was hot.
We're playing tennis. And you tried to like hug me without your shirt on.
You don't hug, right? You don't hug. I hug.
No, I know.

Speaker 2 You're children, but not. No, you don't hug other people.
Not really. Like, if we we gave to, when you say goodbye, you wouldn't give a hug, would you? I would.
No, you wouldn't. I do.

Speaker 2 Would you hug me?

Speaker 2 I don't hug.

Speaker 2 That makes perfect sense. Yeah.
She doesn't hug. Who in the room would you hug?

Speaker 2 So that's Pete on the left. That's

Speaker 2 McCone in the back, and that's Fancy in the white. Say something about McCone right now, I think.

Speaker 2 Who would you hug? I.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't hug me. Interesting thing about McCone right now, you know? No, I hug with my family.
What? What? What's going on? I thought, remember, McCone thought he had a shot with.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Get on the mic.
You want to say something?

Speaker 2 I don't know if you want to approach this at all, but I know you're. I know you're.

Speaker 2 He literally thought he had a shot with you. It was so silly.
Well, you're single now, yes. Oh, yes.
Yeah. And I don't know if it's sensitive, and I don't want to be rude and disrespectful to that.

Speaker 2 And I mean, I'm being genuine. Okay.
But this, this, this guy, this

Speaker 2 moron,

Speaker 2 he says to us, he goes, I think she's, I think she's really pretty. And I said, okay, great.
And then he said,

Speaker 2 I think when I go with you to the thing, I'll try to

Speaker 2 chat her up. And I said, okay, good luck.
Silly. Silly man.
And then he said, what do you mean, good luck? You think I don't have a chance with her? And I said, I said, absolutely not. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Well, Bobby said, absolutely not. And I said, do you think you do? And he said, I think maybe she'd like me.
No, he started going, I have the gift of gab. Gift of gab.
That's what he said.

Speaker 2 He said, the gift of, it's a Minnesota term. And then also, he was like very cocky about it.
And then when I saw him after it, he's like, nah, I didn't have a chance. Well, he didn't say one word.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he didn't say one word. So you want to say a couple of words now? You're a foolish man.
Go ahead. Step up to the mic and say what you need to say.

Speaker 2 I thought, you know, we're two movers and shakers, young. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You don't think that you're even into this? Let him do it.

Speaker 2 Let him do it. You know? Get up on the mic so she can see you and say what you need to say.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. The hair's coming back in.
I was bald for a bit, but,

Speaker 2 you know. She can't even look you in there.
She feels a little more confident again but no she's uh she's intimidating can't

Speaker 2 can't

Speaker 2 that's yeah that's your pitch that's the pitch that's the pitch it's so weak

Speaker 2 i said that this one was her latest man i did not yeah they say that not me

Speaker 2 i don't say that yeah yeah yeah bobby do you do you is this the kind of guy that you would date in your next round of life no no exactly and why though just give me some some reasons just i'm curious i feel like he's like 20.

Speaker 2 he's well he's your same age.

Speaker 2 I feel like I'm 40, so unless you're 40, then he's not my same age. You're the same age, but go ahead.
What else? What is some other. He has no money.
I mean, let me guess. Can I guess?

Speaker 2 He has absolutely no money. Okay.
Let's get past that. Yeah, okay.
Beyond the age and the money thing, what else? I feel like those are two pretty big things. But let's add some more for fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. For the sake of the show.
I mean, is he attractive to you? Does he have a mullet? Did I see one? He has a mullet. He has a mullet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For now.
For now. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 There's another. Is he attractive?

Speaker 2 And like a kid?

Speaker 2 Like, oh, God,

Speaker 2 kid. So if he calls you mommy, that's okay.

Speaker 2 That's disgusting. Well, that's.
Although, can I say something? Yeah. Last night, because I have a friend visiting me, and this friend of mine,

Speaker 2 she goes, you know, I know you're going to get mad, but I have to say that I think McCona is cute.

Speaker 2 And it literally, last night, I literally lost my mind. Yeah.
Is this a girl that you're dating? Yes. I literally lost my mind.
No, it grossed me out. It grossed me out.

Speaker 2 So he's not cute, though, at all.

Speaker 2 I have no opinion. Well, look at him right now, real fast.
Do you see anything you like over there? I don't want to. Can we set you guys up on a date? No.
Please.

Speaker 2 No. Okay.
Pretty, please.

Speaker 2 No. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I'm single, Bobby. I'm considered the Korean Timothy Shyamalane.
So,

Speaker 2 Timothy Shalamay. Chalamay.
You're more, you're not really a Chalamay. What am I? More like a Too Tu Wong Fu

Speaker 2 bring up Chalamet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at how fucking beautiful that kid is.

Speaker 2 That's not you. Wait, do that face.
Oh, yeah, I see it.

Speaker 2 I see it.

Speaker 2 You see it? Yeah, I see it, actually.

Speaker 2 Look at him. Okay,

Speaker 2 I really love, and I really appreciate you. I love

Speaker 2 you. feeling what you just felt because I really need you to stay where you are sometimes because he's getting real ahead of himself.
Yeah. is he? He's late to everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I paid for him to come out to New York. I pay for his life.
I mean, and I love him. He's family to me.
I've said, come out to New York for the premiere of my movie.

Speaker 2 I want to let's ask Bobby what she would have done in the circumstance. My mother is in town.
I flew my mom out for the premiere of this movie. Kind of a big deal.

Speaker 2 Huh? You didn't play me out.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Why would I?

Speaker 2 Oh, do you want to come to a premiere of something? No, but

Speaker 2 well, fuck, dude. So

Speaker 2 i flew my mom out

Speaker 2 i said you have one job you have to meet me at the premiere and i want you to film me and my mom getting out of the car together it's a special moment for me

Speaker 2 one job did you get that footage so did you get the footage as a big yes or no i can't believe

Speaker 2 in brooklyn at the time no no no no no no did you get that footage were you there before me to get that car me getting out of the car I got on the train. Yes or no?

Speaker 2 Were you there before me to get me and my mom? The one thing I had to do.

Speaker 2 Did you film me and my my mom getting out of the car?

Speaker 2 You were getting out of the car. Did you feel me and my mom getting out of the car? No.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 What would you do in that circumstance if that was someone you hired on your team for one special moment in your life who you paid to do a thing and really no other responsibilities?

Speaker 2 He could have done anything he wanted for the fucking four days in New York, go party, do whatever he wants. One thing.
What do you do in that circumstance? And by the way, whatever she says goes. So

Speaker 2 you heard it. Out.
Go. Thank you, Bobby.

Speaker 2 He's been waiting for that for

Speaker 2 a time.

Speaker 2 That was super good. Right.
Wouldn't that hurt your heart? Yeah. Bobby,

Speaker 2 when you're ready to date, what are you looking for? Oh.

Speaker 2 Let's have like a little checklist here. So can we ask you some questions? Sure.
All right. So

Speaker 2 what if he had his own children?

Speaker 2 That is fine? Yeah, I guess. Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 2 Blended family. Like that pretty much.
Like that pretty much. I can't really say no now that I have kids.
Right. You can do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 But what if they had, what if they were like stay-home forever kids, if you know what I mean? No. I would prefer if they didn't have kids.

Speaker 2 They have helmets. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 They're stay-home forever kids. You know what I mean? They're just like whizzing around, you know? Okay.
What's your next question? All right. So that's number one.
Number two. What if he is like,

Speaker 2 I don't have a job, but I have money. Is that okay? No.

Speaker 2 He needs needs to work. Yeah.
What if he just wants to stay home and take care of the kids? Yeah. And he wants you to live your life.
I mean, they're whizzing around his room, his house. He's got to.

Speaker 2 He needs to have his own life. Okay.
How short can he be?

Speaker 2 At least six feet tall. So it has to be over six feet.
Or six feet is like the.

Speaker 2 When people are like you, it's just you're just cutting out so many people. I think it's fair.
No, it's not fair. It's not fair at all.
I think men understand

Speaker 2 heels. Right.

Speaker 2 And you still can.

Speaker 2 And not be

Speaker 2 taller

Speaker 2 all right why i mean it hurts look well why what if we have because i've because when i go on dating sites how tall are you five three and a half just flat

Speaker 2 there's no way are you actually yeah yeah yeah i am i am and it's like when i go on dating sites like raya uh some of the things will say

Speaker 2 wow wow that's a shot well i didn't it's a shot to a guy shot you know what you know what you meant when you said that's not what i meant i just genuinely was wondering if he's on they let you on that yeah that's not what i said.

Speaker 2 Anybody can get on it. Well, it's really going down.
Not every that even hurts more. Anyone can get on it.
I feel like I've seen that anybody, you could just need like a referral code or something.

Speaker 2 A bunch of referrals by fancy people. Thank you.
Oh, okay. Will you use the apps at some point, or you think you're not going to do that? I'm okay.
You'll never do it. I'm waiting to

Speaker 2 stumble upon the level. All right, so, but sometimes the app will go, I'm not looking for anyone under six feet, and it hurts me.
But anyway, let's keep going. That's fine.

Speaker 2 Just date people under four feet. I like taller women.
Not

Speaker 2 there's definitely been fine. There's women who like short guys.
That's just not for me. Okay.
Short kids. Fair enough.
Yeah, there's a lot of women that like short guys.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't have dated Napoleon, and that's a shame on you.

Speaker 2 He ran the thing. He ran the thing? France.
I don't even know who that is. Both of you guys have no idea who Napoleon is.
He ran the thing.

Speaker 2 Dynamite? Yeah. There he is right there, dude.
Napoleon Dynamite.

Speaker 2 He was the same height. That's Bobby.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like killing the game. Look at him.
Look at his dick. Not that big.
It's not that big. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 All right, let's go back to to the checklist may i okay okay

Speaker 2 oh what if he um

Speaker 2 was blind in one eye

Speaker 2 and in a fiery accident he his ears just would just burn off

Speaker 2 so you just see like holes on the side of his head but he covers it with hair right but when you look at it you can see like the insides

Speaker 2 You can see the workings of the ear. What do you mean, what is it? I'm asking you a question.
My first question. Oh, let's go back to the.
What if he was a a religion? Like, he was like

Speaker 2 Zoroastrianism. You know what that is? Like one of the original.
Okay. Nothing.
All right. So he has to be over six feet tall.

Speaker 2 Yes. Ask her about color.
What color? What is wrong with you guys? What color? What color? You guys, I'm done. What about Asian? Are you okay with Asian men? How many are over six feet?

Speaker 2 How many Asian? You know what, dude?

Speaker 2 Honestly, not much, but anyway. It's actually true.
That's true. Interesting.
I would love to see your feet. Thank Thank you.
Jiminy crickets. Jiminy crickets.
I fucked up.

Speaker 2 Why would you say that out loud? I was looking at her boots right now. I go, like the boots, but I'm like, what's underneath it? And I go, probably nice feet.

Speaker 2 You're not saying that in a gross way, are you, bud? Non-sexual, no. All right.
I don't find her sexually attractive. How big are your feet?

Speaker 2 Why? What size shoe do you wear? Yeah, that's

Speaker 2 why. A six? Yeah.
Yeah. Tiny.
I bet you have long toes.

Speaker 2 Are they long toes? Do you paint them?

Speaker 2 Bobby long toes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you paint your long toes? I don't paint them myself, no. But you get, I bet you get gels?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like you, remember? I know. I do remember.
Dude, that day, I'll never forget. Oh.
Oh, oh, oh. I forgot.

Speaker 2 Hmm. Ouch.

Speaker 2 Ouch.

Speaker 2 Do you get like a little limp between your toes?

Speaker 2 Will you save some and send it to him? No, it's just, this is weird. This is what what you do to me.
And I'm going to leave here and tell people he was so

Speaker 2 weird.

Speaker 2 You say Bobby was weird? That's so fucking

Speaker 2 crazy because it's like, why can you ask these questions? You can. Yeah, I'm curious about your feet.
I'm sure they're lovely. And I'm curious to see the condition they're in.
That's all.

Speaker 2 I mean, Pete, am I wrong? No, not at all. Exactly.
Do you have a foot fetish? I might have one. Yeah.
Because I've been showing people mine. Yeah, but that's not what a foot fetish is.

Speaker 2 I think you have it. That's not the same thing.
You know what I mean? And I think mine are so nice.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You like what you see? I don't want to see it.

Speaker 2 Do you

Speaker 2 drink or use drugs? I

Speaker 2 are you the police? What are you asking me that for? Maybe who's asking? Why are you asking? Did you have something traumatic happen in your life

Speaker 2 growing up?

Speaker 2 No. Okay.
You're attacked by a wild animal. Is that how you actually get information out of people? Yeah, yeah.
You just like guess until you maybe get it. Yeah, yeah.
Were you in a cult?

Speaker 2 Were your parents in a cult? No.

Speaker 2 Did you go to church every Sunday? Yes. What church? Can we say that? The religion?

Speaker 2 What kind of religion? Yeah, what kind of religion? Christian. Well,

Speaker 2 let's get into Jesus. Catholic? No.

Speaker 2 Just broad Christian?

Speaker 2 The church was called Christian Church, non-denominational? Yeah. Yeah.
That's a cult.

Speaker 2 You know what, dude? Shut the fuck up. That's enough.
Enough about you. It is a little bit, though, but in a good way.
I can see you at a pew

Speaker 2 on your hands and knees. Well, that's Catholic.
They don't do that. They don't do pews? That's not.
I can see you in the wooden bench.

Speaker 2 Okay. On a wooden bench, right?

Speaker 2 And then when the song comes, you know how they do the song? You have to pick up the book a little.

Speaker 2 I guess you immediately grab the book and really. You don't even need the book.

Speaker 2 You have it memorized.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ,

Speaker 2 you're my Lord and Savior.

Speaker 2 I feel like you guys are going to go to hell for him. And my friend.

Speaker 2 Why would we go to hell for praising Jesus?

Speaker 2 Mocking him.

Speaker 2 Really? Really?

Speaker 2 I think we're showing love and respect. Do you still go to church? No.
When was the last time you went?

Speaker 2 Beelzebub.

Speaker 2 What? I love you, Satan.

Speaker 2 Netherworld.

Speaker 2 Beelzebub.

Speaker 2 Cool.

Speaker 2 I do both.

Speaker 2 Like, I go both ways, and that confuses you. That's right.
But that's the ying of me. I'm texting Luke.
Oh, don't don't text Luke. Who's Luke?

Speaker 2 Her manager. Why, like, I cut this out? Yeah.
No, please.

Speaker 2 No, oh, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, listen, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Look at him. Bobby.
Begging. Yeah.
Bobby. Begging.
Please don't leave. Please don't tell your manager that

Speaker 2 this was an uncomfortable situation. I really apologize.
I worship you. I love you so much.
Thank you so much for being here, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 Any other questions?

Speaker 2 Well, this was nice. I love you so much.
I really do. I care about you.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And before we end, I just want to, let's have, let's have, let's do,

Speaker 2 I know what we're going to do. All right, because I feel like we're in a hole.
Okay. Who's not we? Me? I'm humming.
I'm fine. I'm humming too.
Okay, you're good. Like a bird.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 So, what I want to say is, let's go down the line. Not a song, don't worry, right? But we express how we really feel about each other before we go.
Okay, that's good.

Speaker 2 And then this, and only positives, no negatives. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 2 Should I start?

Speaker 2 This is your bit. It's not a bit, dude.
This is your bit. It's an exercise.
This is your exercise. Okay.
It's like a gratitude list. Can you look at me?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So, Bobby, here's how I feel feel about you. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm honored to work with you.

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 2 I really am. When I did your, I was so grateful that you asked me to do it because you're hot and the kind of, no, like in terms of the numbers.
Like, you're, you're hot out there, not in the

Speaker 2 attractive way, you know? I mean, you're attractive, but I know. I feel like it.

Speaker 2 I feel like I'm drowning you in sadness. All the way to China.

Speaker 2 I know. Let me start over.
All right. I was really grateful that you had asked me.
I thought we worked well together. It got really good traction.
It helped me out a lot.

Speaker 2 I also,

Speaker 2 I just think that you're like an anomaly, a very talented person. And I think that in this time of age, we just need somebody like you out there.
I think you're so important.

Speaker 2 And I just, I think that you're a good mom.

Speaker 2 Thank you. And I think, I want to see your feet.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's good, right?

Speaker 2 Is that good?

Speaker 2 Other than you. I go to you now.
Okay. Yeah, you're my best.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you're the best.

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 And we're going to Austin tomorrow together. Tomorrow, yeah.
Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah.
And I just like working with you, and I trust you immensely. God bless.
And I love you so much. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Now, your turn.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 Be real, dude.

Speaker 2 Be authentic.

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 2 Here we go. You know.

Speaker 2 It's happening.

Speaker 2 No, because you're feeling it, and that's what I love. It's organic.
It's so organic, dude. I'm letting it rip.

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 You know what? Go in the front room just so I can have like a moment.

Speaker 2 Have a cigarette.

Speaker 2 I really want this to be count. I want it to count.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry I made you come here and do this. I'm sorry.
I know you said you didn't want to do it. And you said this is going to be a waste of your time.
And you don't like Bobby.

Speaker 2 And he makes you uncomfortable. And you said it over and over.
And I'm sorry. Okay.
Do you accept my apology? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 So that's a wrap. How do we get out of here? McCone will help you out.
That's okay.

Speaker 2 Can I do it?

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Do you not agree with that statement? I totally agree.

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Speaker 2 Did you see Dune 2? Yes. Did you ask you? Oh, no.
Yeah, did you see it? Oh, I loved it. Did you like it? I loved it.
Would you like it? Did I see Dune 2? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't see Dune 2, and I'll tell you why. I want to re-watch Dune 1 before I go again.
That's what I did the night before I went to see. My cousin just did that.
That was a smart idea.

Speaker 2 He got stoned. He watched Dune 1, and then he went to the theater and watched Dune two.
So that's what I need to go back to do. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell you this, man. Elvis, he really's got it.
Presley, he's in it. No.

Speaker 2 What's up with us? No, Austin, Austin. Oh, what's going on with the same world?

Speaker 2 Oh, can I have a bragging point? Let me brag. You got a brag? No,

Speaker 2 I got a better bragging point than that. What is it? Austin Butler played Elvis.
Yes. Well known, right? Yeah.
When we toured Graceland, you didn't come with us. You refused to tour Graceland.

Speaker 2 When I toured Graceland,

Speaker 2 the teenage kids, you know, someone like that. You've already told this story before.
Not on this show. I love it.
I want to do it again.

Speaker 2 Can I tell it? The teenage kids were like, Satino. Yeah, yeah.
Bad friends. Yeah.
Loved it. Yeah.
The woman goes, I'm sorry. I don't know who you are.
Yeah. The guide.
I said, that's okay.

Speaker 2 Most people don't. She goes, well, they seem to know who you are.
She goes, that's really surprising.

Speaker 2 I've given a lot of celebrity tours this place, and a lot of people just don't really recognize anybody.

Speaker 2 I said, like who? She goes, Austin Butler, who played Elvis. I walked him through this entire property.
Not one person stopped him.

Speaker 2 And I said, take that, Austin Butler. This is before the movie came out.
No, of course not. That's insane.
It came out. It was already way out.

Speaker 2 I think as a guy, he might be unrecognizable. He looks like a very like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he absolutely.

Speaker 2 Let me ask this.

Speaker 2 I want to say this. Look at that guy.
You might not know that's him. Bro, he was so good in Dune 2.
I'm sure he was. Yeah, he played Frey.

Speaker 2 Fade Routha.

Speaker 2 Fade Raltha. Fade Rotha.
Harkonnen. Harkonnen, correct.
That's right. Yeah.
Let me have a chance to say it. Oh, okay.
Frey, come on. Look at how much better he looked at this.

Speaker 2 Look at the first picture down in the second row. I mean, what a first picture.

Speaker 2 Look at how handsome he is. So handsome.
But as Frey, because Sting played that part, remember? Yeah. In the David Lynch dune.
And he was, and Sting was like,

Speaker 2 every breath you take.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a police song, isn't it? Yeah, and it's a Sting. It's still him.

Speaker 2 It's very good. But what's the difference? Do you like Sting more or The Police more?

Speaker 2 Oh, The Police by far. Isn't that weird, though?

Speaker 2 Why did I not like Sting after The Police? Because he went really family kind of. His songs were very like poppy and no, it was just, yeah, like,

Speaker 2 what's that one song that he sings? I don't even remember.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, oh, he sings. Field of Field of.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, he sings Streets of Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 No, not that song. The field.
Not the field of one. What's the field of one?

Speaker 2 Give me the lyric. I think I can sing it.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 Fields of Gold. Na na na na na.
Na na na na na.

Speaker 2 Na na na na. Of rapture.
Or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 You remember. Remember me.
That's it. When the West Wind blows

Speaker 2 upon the ways of rapture. That's right.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Fields of Gold. That's that song.
What's your favorite police song? Oh, God, I like it. Get on the ground! Get on the ground.

Speaker 2 That's enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't breathe.

Speaker 2 I can't breathe.

Speaker 2 Why can't we do that? Bad boy. Bad boy.
Bad boy. That was a great song.
It was a really good song.

Speaker 2 My favorite police song was

Speaker 2 maybe I'm going to sing the hum and let's see if you know it. Ready? Yeah.
My favorite police song.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Stanley Tucci.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that song is about us. You know that, right? Yeah, Roxanne's a good song.
Song that I'm singing is called Man in the Suitcase. It's literally about our life.

Speaker 2 Why must I be the man in the suitcase?

Speaker 2 Disimi. Man with the strangest face.
The police were great. So good.
So good. And then,

Speaker 2 you know, I listened to the other day that I was, I hadn't listened to The Cars. Love.
So many good songs, The Cars. Shake it up.

Speaker 2 Shake it up.

Speaker 2 That's so good.

Speaker 2 It is really good. I've been watching.

Speaker 2 I haven't seen anything because I've been watching

Speaker 2 Shogun.

Speaker 2 Shogun is so good.

Speaker 2 Everyone's talking about Shogun. Shogun is so good.
Yeah. But also, I've been watching.
I watched Curb. I watched Through Curb.

Speaker 2 Richard Lewis. Stand up to date on Curb.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Amazing. I heard Shogun's great.

Speaker 2 There's only one problem.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm not in it. Not enough white people.
Oh, okay. I don't think there's anything in the shogun for me, though.
I don't think so either. Why, I can do shogun.
That's good. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what it is?

Speaker 2 You got the roll. Yeah, I got it.
You got the roll. Why can't I die?

Speaker 2 I mean, that's what they'd make you do for sure. I know, but I can die in a dramatic show.
Of course.

Speaker 2 No, let me just

Speaker 2 do it, right?

Speaker 2 I'm sleeping. I'm sleeping.
Some samurai comes up to me. Go to bed.

Speaker 2 I'm like, is he sucking my dick?

Speaker 2 He's not. No, I know.
No way. Then I go, oh, I feel a pinching in my stomach.
Oh, it hurts. Yeah, in your mind, when you're sleeping, you would hear that noise.
You go,

Speaker 2 you check, no dick sucking because my sides hurt. I look down.

Speaker 2 Why Tongo?

Speaker 2 We grew up together in the valley,

Speaker 2 the river we had by the creek.

Speaker 2 Is it too much?

Speaker 2 I don't like this. Why? I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 Don't let me finish it. Okay.
That's why you don't let me finish my scenes. Not if they're falling apart.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I'm like the fucking conductor who's like, bail. But you're directing it, right? So just cut it, right? Cut.
Yeah, so let me me

Speaker 2 reset. Exactly, dude.
Let's go back to one. And as an actor, I'll probably still do an Asian accent, even when I'm not shooting, just to be in the role.

Speaker 2 Could I add rib?

Speaker 2 Yeah, ad rib. I can add rib? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you ready? I'm so prepared.
Action. I say action or do I just cut it? I have to say it.

Speaker 2 No, no, like a good director. Take your own action.
I really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 oh, you

Speaker 2 cut.

Speaker 2 You're getting stabbed. I know.
I don't think you owe you when you're. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because the OU was this. You're so stupid, dude, sometimes.
Whoa, I'm the director. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't care, dude. You're fired.
No, I'll tell you. No, don't fire me.
You're fired. I'm going to tell you why you're wrong.
The OU was the first two is realization. Oh, you.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then OU is, I will open my eyes because I'm fucking sleeping. Yeah, you're napping.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm going, oh, you,

Speaker 2 right? Betrayal. Betrayal.
Oh, that's the line? Betrayal. Betrayal.
As you die. Yeah.
Okay, ready? Action.

Speaker 2 Oh, you.

Speaker 2 Betrayal. No, it's a little too.
I'm not done. I'm too excited.
I'm not done.

Speaker 2 All right, ready? All right, right.

Speaker 2 I'll take my own.

Speaker 2 Oh, you. Betrayal.
Tony. Oh, it's Tony.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And it's Tony Soprano. Yeah, well, let's fuse the two worlds.
I got to do it. I got to do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I got to stab you Shogun.
How would you, would you stab? Let me do you do stab. Shogun.
Sorry, I got to stab you.

Speaker 2 What do you want me to do? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me stab you. Oh, you do.
Now I'm the director. But you have.

Speaker 2 It's Shogun.

Speaker 2 Ready?

Speaker 2 Scene 46, Shogun, you know? The rapture scene. Action.

Speaker 2 Ah! Ah!

Speaker 2 Ah! Cut.

Speaker 2 Was it not believable that I was getting getting stabbed in my sleep? Yeah, but you're not an Irish guy. How was I Irish? I look this way.
No, but you're supposed to be Japanese.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't give me a Japanese guy. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. So,

Speaker 2 we don't do that.

Speaker 2 All right, so anyway, god damn, this guy. I should have auditioned this guy, man.
I swear to God, dude. I shouldn't have offered.
Anyway, rapture scene, scene 36, take for 15

Speaker 2 and action.

Speaker 2 You stab on me.

Speaker 2 Oh, fairy.

Speaker 2 It's cut. I mean, yeah,

Speaker 2 call the academy. What do they say? They go,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What does the director say? Print that. Print that.

Speaker 2 Print that. Fucking dead on to.
You know when you go on a set and they have that red light and it says, do not enter when light is on for rolling? Always do. Always, I do it every time.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to stop. What are we talking about? Let me in.

Speaker 2 Let me in. What the fuck is going on? There's food in there.
I don't understand what you're saying.

Speaker 2 When they're rolling on the stage, they put red lights up to make you make sure that you know that they're rolling to not end. Oh, I never.
Oh, dude. I go in every time.
I'm hungry. Not all.

Speaker 2 Craft service is there. I'm hungry.
Not only that, it's like I always tell, because there's always a wardrobe and people waiting there. Yeah.
Because they don't want to cross. I cross.

Speaker 2 And I go, you know what I always say? I go, I'm quiet. Yeah, just sneak in.
I slowly.

Speaker 2 And those doors are so heavy.

Speaker 2 There's padded too. Yeah, they're fine.
They're so fine. Then no one's going to hear you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah yeah oh my god i wanted to show you this dude because because because because because we're going to abu dhabi people know

Speaker 2 one of the princes

Speaker 2 ah prince jasmine just bought prince jasmine look up look up no no no just write right saudi prince

Speaker 2 billion dollar jet some guy just bought a billion dollar outfit of this jet look at this fucking thing it's gonna blow your mind maybe it's

Speaker 2 is that yeah that's it the first picture the first one saudi print that one

Speaker 2 Look at the fucking photos of this thing. Al-Wahi.
A billion dollars. Yeah, so 500 million private Boeing jet and then outfitted it with another.
I don't even know. It says it in the article.

Speaker 2 I mean, dude, the fucking bedroom. We got to get one of the princes while we're over there to let us on their plane.
For a billion dollars, he should have gotten an Airbus.

Speaker 2 Okay. You know what? It's a 737 MAX.
Exactly. They're on recalls.
That's a beautiful room. That's you and me.
Imagine

Speaker 2 next to each other. But let me say something.
How many princes are there? Because every time I think about the Middle East. Google it.
People say there's so many princes. There's got to be.

Speaker 2 You're my little prince, so does that count?

Speaker 2 How many princes are there in the Middle East? The number of princes is estimated to be at least 7,000. Wow.
Most of the power and influence being wielded by 200 or so. We got to get to the 200.

Speaker 2 I think the rest of them, the 6,800, we don't need. What are you talking about? Why not?

Speaker 2 We want to get to the 200 princess. We don't want to be like, oh, that's the, you know what I mean? The prince of that, this mountain.
We got to start somewhere, buddy. And okay, I'm a prince.

Speaker 2 Imagine you're. Hello, hello.
I'm Prince. Which one are you? Jasmine.
Prince Jasmine. Yeah.
I'm Prince Jasmine. Do you know Prince Ali Salib?

Speaker 2 I do not know, but I've seen him at the convention. Thank you.
Let me keep going with the bit.

Speaker 2 I'm Prince Jasmine, right? And I'm going to tell you, I just became Prince. There was only 6,999 prince.
It's okay, Prince Jasmine. I'm 7,000 prince.
Prince Jasmine, do you have a pair of paper?

Speaker 2 Hello. I'm Prince Jasmine.
Do you have a private private jet that we can go on? Oh, yeah. Wait, how big is it? Southwest.
Oh, you own a Southwest plane?

Speaker 2 No, I am number A, one, two, and three. Yeah.
We get to go on first. Wow.
Wow. Before business.
It actually would be called Far East. Far East Airlines.
Yeah, Far East Air though. Far East Airlines.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 what's your airline called in the Middle East? Oil. Oil air? Oil air.
Well, deliberate. Yeah.
And can I tell you how we got our money? How did you get your money? We don't have oil. Oh, my family.

Speaker 2 Really? Barrel. You own one barrel? A several oil barrel.
I hope you'd have a lot of barrels. No.

Speaker 2 12. Oh, you own the physical barrel.
The barrels. Oh, right.
So we get a piece. By the way, a barrel prince is so funny.
Yeah, barrel piece. Everyone's like, your money must have come from oil.

Speaker 2 He's like, the barrels. That's what I'm saying.
And they're like, yeah. But not the oil inside.
Like, we manufacture barrels.

Speaker 2 We are the barrel barons. We also

Speaker 2 have technology that we take sand and put in the mud. Oh, you make sand mud.

Speaker 2 We have the technology. You make sand mud.
You know how? Very simple.

Speaker 2 Water. Get out of town.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Barrel princes. It's actually a very good idea.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 It'd be funny to be like the brokest

Speaker 2 of the princess.

Speaker 2 If you're the brokest of the princess. You'd be a prince now.
It's like your money must be. Hi.
Hi.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 this is where the prince convention is?

Speaker 2 Interesting. What is your name?

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm sorry. I should know.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I offended you.

Speaker 2 You're Prince Jabawaki.

Speaker 2 I read about you. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you

Speaker 2 dance.

Speaker 2 I will dance. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But mostly,

Speaker 2 I count money.

Speaker 2 I've made a lot of money.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you know how?

Speaker 2 Can I guess? Sure. Rugs.

Speaker 2 Kind of. Yeah, yeah, cool.
Toupees. I own the biggest two-pei company.
Oh, you do? Yes, head rugs. Magical Magical ones.
Head rugs. Head rugs.

Speaker 2 But they're magical toupees.

Speaker 2 Yes, they will get you pussy magically when you put them on.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That's a great prince. The Prince Beryl and Prince Toupe guys should.

Speaker 2 They should hang out. By the way, I'm sure the people listen to this in fucking Dubai are now like, fuck these guys.
Fuck these guys. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When we go to Dubai. Abu Dhabi.
Abu Dhuba Dhabi. I've been there before.
Oh, you've been to Abu Dhabi? Yes. I did a show there once.
United Arab Emirates. Yeah.
We get business, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's business. We're going for business, not pleasure.
No, but it's a business class. I can't do a fucking coach on that.

Speaker 2 Well, I hate to break it to you, my friend, but no, we're not flying business class. We're flying regular.
And we have to stop like three times. We have to stop like in Japan.

Speaker 2 Are you fucking kidding me, right? We have to stop in Japan. Then let's not do it.
We shop in Japan, in Delhi, and then in...

Speaker 2 For some reason, we stop like somewhere in Eastern Europe. Then we get down there.
I don't think we should do it then. It was a a good, I got it on Expedia.
It was like 38 bucks a person each way.

Speaker 2 Wow. It was worth it.
No, we're. Have you been to an, I've been to airports in the country, in different parts of the world where you see like chickens and roosters on the field.

Speaker 2 Dude, when we were in fucking, I never even, I don't even know if I told you this. When we were leaving Sicily, we were in this fucking airport.
It wasn't open. We had to wait outside.

Speaker 2 The first flight was 10 a.m. These motherfuckers showed up at like 9.56.
Wow. And the guy was like, okay, okay, come, come.
Like, open the gates to the fucking airport.

Speaker 2 And I turned and I was like to my dad, I was like, should we not get on this fucking

Speaker 2 was it one flight straight to America? No, it was a flight from Sicily to Rome. Ah, that's where the good one was.
They opened the fucking airport. I'm not kidding.
Security was closed. Wow.

Speaker 2 And I was like, is this a good idea? This guy showed up like five minutes before we're taking off.

Speaker 2 What's the food like?

Speaker 2 In Abu Dhabi? No, Sicily. Oh, a lot of, well, it's a lot of fish.
It's a lot of seafood. Southern Italy is a lot of seafood.
It's a lot of Mediterranean-style stuff.

Speaker 2 If you like seafood, go down there. If you're not a seafood guy, I highly recommend avoiding it.

Speaker 2 Because there's always someone in your group who's like, I don't really like seafood. You're like, well, fuck, dude.
That's all they have down here. But is there a pizza place? Of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're going to get pizza. Like, is there like a round table?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a jack-in-the-box.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny? There probably is a jack-in-the-box down there. No, there is a pizza place down there.
But there's, I know, obviously it's Italy, but.

Speaker 2 No, there's not a corporate pizza place. No, there's no roundtable.
I'll tell you, in Rome, there's like a dominoes or a pizza hut.

Speaker 2 In Rome has stuff like that. They have McDonald's.
They have all that stuff. All right.
It's fucking, it's Rome. It's Rome, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it wasn't built at it.

Speaker 2 But it was built on the shoulders of Pizza Hut. Because let me ask you something about pizza.
You got to get a pizza pizza. Yeah, pizza pizza.
So there's different kinds, right? Of what? Detroit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Detroit style.

Speaker 2 It's like

Speaker 2 a squared type of pizza. Yep.
And then you have deep dish Chicago, where it's deep. Deep, deep, deep.
Deep, deep, deep.

Speaker 2 And what I'm saying is that do people go, like, there was a guy in Detroit. He's like, I don't like it, Circle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm sure he was an immigrant, moved there, and decided to change the world. I want to do square.
Uh-huh. That's interesting.
I love that. Yeah, I do too.
You know who these kind of people are?

Speaker 2 People like Bobby Lee. People who break the mold, people who go against the grain, who swim upstream, who don't just do what everyone's doing.

Speaker 2 They challenge the ideals that are put out in America right now, play some really inspirational music. They challenge the ideals of what's happening in the world because most of them are antiquated.

Speaker 2 Bada boom, bada bing. And bada boom, bada bing.
I'm here. I'm here in

Speaker 2 Los Angeles. I'm a fucking pizza.
You know, I'm making pizzas. Well, welcome to the city.
How are you doing?

Speaker 2 You want to open up a restaurant? I have a fucking idea, my friend. What kind of restaurant? I'm from Italy.
Oh, you're from Italy? Yeah. Where are you from? Where are you from? Where you from?

Speaker 2 Appleback.

Speaker 2 Applebee's outback. Yes.

Speaker 2 You're from Apple B, Italy. Apple B, Outback.
Out of the garden. In the garden.
He's from Chile, Italy. How you doing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bada bone, by the bone. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm Pizza Place. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm right over here, man.

Speaker 2 I'm over here, man. You're over here? I'm over here.
Hey, how you doing? All right, how you doing? Let's look at fucking pizza, man. All right.
All right.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you something about welcome from my family. Okay.

Speaker 2 We take a very large pepperoni.

Speaker 2 Very large.

Speaker 2 Is this Sebastian Manascalco? Is that what you're doing? No, no, no, I'm not. No, I'm doing.
I'm going to fucking tell you. Sorry, sir.
You take it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? Got it. Check this out, my friend.

Speaker 2 right right well and then we put the breading on it oh it reverse

Speaker 2 right so we I put chunks of bread on this gigantic pepperoni so it's like a calzone no but it's no because the pepperoni is exposed It's a fucking exposed my friend.

Speaker 2 So you haven't just pizza like your guts if I fucking kill you in the desert

Speaker 2 and I'll fucking expose your guts into fucking vultures. I don't want any harm pal.
Fucking piece of shit. I don't want no problems.
Fucking jab me with a fucking whoa whoa whoa

Speaker 2 bitch. So, what you're proposing? You're proposing a pizza with just bread bits.

Speaker 2 I like it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Here's a million.
With the cheese. With the cheese

Speaker 2 inside the bread bits.

Speaker 2 Check it out, my friend. And then, you know what?

Speaker 2 You think I know what you are.

Speaker 2 I know what you're fucking seeing right now to me, right now.

Speaker 2 My friend, I'm going to tell you something right now.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Put a bell of mushroom.

Speaker 2 Very good. A gigantic one.
So it captures the juices.

Speaker 2 Right? So you put the pepperoni, right? In the portabel. Gigantic portobello, right? And you fucking put the bread chunks with the cheese inside the fucking fucking thing, man.

Speaker 2 The fucking onions, the pepperoni, pepper, and the fucking sausage. Fucking recall the cheese.
Fucking fae.

Speaker 2 What do you think, my friend?

Speaker 2 Are you gonna buy it? Are you gonna buy it? Are you gonna buy it?

Speaker 2 I think you're never gonna make it. That's fucking rude, dude.
What? That's fucking rude.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 He doesn't believe in your business. It's flawed.
It's flawed. I know.

Speaker 2 You know, halfway during it, I was like, I don't even know where I.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what? But you keep going. It was awesome, but it was very confusing.
You just keep going.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you keep going. Yeah, and

Speaker 2 the world stops.

Speaker 2 You know what? And can I tell you something? What? I'll stop the world and melt with you. Let me ask you something about this.
I'll stop the world and melt with you. What a great song.
So good.

Speaker 2 So good. Let me ask you something.
When we go go to Austin, what day is our thing?

Speaker 2 Friday. Friday.
We leave tomorrow night. Yeah.
Friday. Friday, we have to do a thing.
During the day? Saturday. Nothing.

Speaker 2 Well, Saturday, I guess we can say it because it'll have already happened when this comes out. We're doing pop-in special headliner shows at Rogan's Club.
Two shows. I didn't know that.
We are.

Speaker 2 You and I are going to do stand-up. Yeah.
Oh, that's great. You didn't know it.
You proposed it to me. You said you wanted to do new material shows there.
Do you not remember this?

Speaker 2 I wanted to do that. You literally said, let's do new materials.
Let's do it. That was your proposal.
Let's do it. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
You were like, I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 I called Adam E.

Speaker 2 Yeah, very good.

Speaker 2 Fucking ripping with my fucking family. Fucking out of nose.
How good did it feel to watch her berate McCone, though? Did that feel good at least? Dude, when I brought that up, though. Loved it.

Speaker 2 The best part. Did I loved it? In the beginning, though, it was like, what the fuck is he doing? No, I knew exactly what you're doing.
I was like, fuck. Yeah.
You don't have a shot.

Speaker 2 You can't even play anything off. I'm like, I don't even.
You don't have a fucking

Speaker 2 friend.

Speaker 2 Say it. Hey, hey, listen to the Don when he's talking.

Speaker 2 Your name would be Don Wong. Don Wong, my friend.

Speaker 2 Hey, seriously. The Don Wong.
Like, he's my friend, my other Don friend. Go ahead, tell him about it.
I really hate this impression.

Speaker 2 Fucking terrible.

Speaker 2 It's terrible. I love it.
It's so interesting. It's so bad.

Speaker 2 This guy.

Speaker 2 You don't like it? You don't like it. I like it.
it. I like it.

Speaker 2 I like it. Dude, honestly, though, no joke, a mafia movie where it's very serious and deep and dark, and they bring him in the room and they meet you.
Yeah, oh my gosh. Doing that.

Speaker 2 I fucking lose my shit. If it's like a dead serious, where it's like, everybody,

Speaker 2 we called a meeting because we want to have a conversation. The Don would like to talk to you.
Someone else is like, what did I do to the Don? I didn't do nothing to the Dan.

Speaker 2 Look, he just wants to speak with you for five minutes.

Speaker 2 Opens the door. It's you with a hot rod, bright orange hat hat on, like this.
You look just like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 you're doing it again,

Speaker 2 don't you?

Speaker 2 When will we have this meeting?

Speaker 2 When we have this meeting, you fucking be creative.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.