Bobbi Althoff Hates Us

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Hey! The last leg of our tour. And these are going to be our best shows.
These are. We're in Windsor, Ontario.
Windsor, Ontario. Niagara Falls.
Tucson, Arizona. And then we finish on 420 in the United States and Las Vegas, Nevada.
But we added Abu Dhabi. We're coming to the United Arab Emirates at the Etihad Arena May 21st we can fill the Etihad Arena let's hope so go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets badfriendspod.com we also got new merch we got these tickets that's the Beastie Boys show them, show them kiddo I love it these sweatshirts with the Beastie Boys the Beastie Boys.
The Fear and Loathing shirt. Go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Badfriendsmerch.com. I'm doing six dates.
Andrew Santino's doing six dates to run my new hour in the club. October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs.
He's doing Cobbs. I'm doing six clubs.
October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs. I'm actually doing Cobbs.
October 4th, I'm doing it, though. I think I'm doing it in June.
But go to andrewsantino.com for those dates. I'm doing Houston, Nashville, San Francisco, Tampa.
Go to andrewsantino.com for all of those dates. See you soon.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Her attitude's already stinky.
She has a stinky attitude already, dude. You're telling me she stinks already? Put the mic as close to her mouth.
I think she physically smells good, but I think her attitude is stinky. What do you think the...
What are you guys doing? Hand it to her nice, dude. That's a celebrity, dude.
Is she? Yeah, she is. Oh, whoa, dude.
Do you have to wear these? You don't have to. No, but it helps you hear your own sound.
Don't do that. You don't want to fuck up your hair.
It's fine. Don't do that here.
Then throw it down or just put it wherever. Just hold it.
Please hold it. Thank you.
I love these slacks. The buttons on the side are cool.
Is this... Fashion? What grandma's couch is this made out of? I was waiting for that.
Well, I got you pants, by the way. I got you a gift.
Where do you find those? You don't buy those, but where do you find them? I got you a gift for real because I know you like fashion. Oh, I got gifts.

No, you don't. I have a ring.
So non-thoughtful.

That's a ring that a fan gave you. But you like Korean? Korean

what? Korean rings.

What is that? It's from the

ring. That ring is from the Korean war.
From the war. Korean war.

Okay. You know we had a war, right?

This is fun. I got you

I got you pants.

Yeah. I got you pants.
Yeah. Yeah I got You've never got me pants You know what I got you? If you say career It's gonna really bother me dude You said it No that's what you feel I didn't say it You said it I had one before Not great Yeah but i had one oh you know what it was it has really gotten your head my friend ricky snicky is really on amazon yeah number one on amazon um i did get you a gift these are for you these are pants what are they um these are yeezys easy pants i bought you easy pants i bought you Yeezy Pants.
I'm not kidding at all. He saw.

They're Yeezy Pants.

Go ahead and open them up so she can see.

Open them up for her so she can see.

Look at that.

Hold that up.

What do you think?

Thank you so much.

You like those?

I love them.

Those are vultures.

Those are Yeezy, so.

Why are they so big?

They're her size.

I don't think they are.

Pretty sure they are.

Are those for Mo Ammer?

Not that he's big, but I'm just saying.

I'll see think they are. Pretty sure they are.

Are those for Mo Ammer?

Not that he's big, but I'm just saying.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you saying?

Your attitude right now is different.

Go ahead and introduce our guest.

Bobby Altoid.

That was so funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bobby Altoff.

Altoff.

Are you Jewish? No. Do you want to be? What type of question is that? That's a silly one, yeah.
You aren't Jewish? No. Are you sure? I'm sure.
Have you done a 23andMe? Do you know your history? Yeah. Your makeup? Do you think you might have owned your family might have Owned slaves? Is that what you're going to ask? Yeah, what do you think? Bobby Althoff is of Jewish descent She made being Jewish cool again Did you guys just make this up? Yeah, we wrote all these articles yesterday before you came in.
Interesting. Yeah.
Why does it say I'm of Jewish descent? Are you? No. What's the deal? Why are you so adverse? I'm just confused.
I did do 23andMe. I'm not.
Can we stop looking me up or whatever you're doing? I'd love to hear about your upbringing. Oh, great.
May I ask some questions? Sure. Was there a lot of flowers? Growing up, like, did you see wilderness? Did you see nature? What do you mean? Like when you walked outside, did you see birds? What are you trying to get at? I want to know if you lived in a city or if you lived, grew up in the suburbs or the farm.

Take it down.

You think so?

Take it down just a little bit.

I don't know, dude.

She's provoking me, dude.

Too high right now.

All right.

Let me ask you another question.

The same question, but in a different way.

I want to keep it down.

Yeah, keep it down.

I keep it down.

Bobby Altoid. No.
That was so funny. The second time and the first time.
We I want to keep it down. Yeah, keep it down.
I keep it down. Bobby Altoid.

No.

That was so funny.

The second time and the first time are you going to see it again?

Look at her.

She's gone.

She's ready for you.

Can you ask your question?

My work speaks for itself.

It does.

It does.

So, Bobby.

Yes.

Do you not have a question?

It sounds like you don't have a question.

I do.

No, I do.

Did you grow up in the suburbs or the city?

Like kind of on a farm a little bit.

Exactly.

That's what I thought.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

So your dad was a farmer?

No.

Okay.

I grew up on two acres.

One or two acres?

Two acres.

Okay.

I don't want to know the specifics, but is your dad a doctor? No. What does your dad do? He builds houses.
Architect. No, contractor.
Oh, contractor. My bad.
Yeah. Handyman, contractor, architect.
Did your mother work? Janitor, custodian. President.
Fix-it boy. Blue collar collar not a collar at all in fact probably t-shirts if i'm being honest no collar no collar no collars did your mother did your mother did your mother work no what did she do she would be really modest she heard me say that though oh because she raised you she did and that's work and it's work a lot of work I.
A lot of work. I think a lot of work.
To raise her? I think so. Yeah.
To raise me or people in general? Just me? You specifically. Is momming a job? Of course.
What? Well, you have that job, right? I do. Yeah.
Yeah, you're a mommy. Why do you talk like that? Did you feel like woke? You said a mommy? I can't believe people enjoy listening to you guys.
Oh, and vice versa. Yeah.
If I may. Yeah.
No, I'm kidding. We know why you're popular.
We like you a lot. We've considered you the third bad friend.
And we also are huge fans of yours. And also, can I just say something? You know, we normally probably wouldn't do other people's podcasts.
We generally try. I do a lot.
I do a lot, but... You do everybody's.
I do everybody's, but when you asked... You and Mark Normand are in the race for who can be.
I know. Hey, I'll do it.
Yeah, but when you asked, I was like, well, can I ask you a question, though? Because you asked me way before, like six months before I actually did it.

So what the fuck happened?

You text me and you go, or you DM me, you're going,

can you do my podcast?

I'm going to come over Friday.

Friday comes around, you're a no-show.

And then I don't hear from you for six months later. It wasn't a no-show.

I said, I text you and said, sorry.

To me, that's no-shows.

That's not.

Okay, you were a show.

I texted you. You texted me? I didn't just like ghost you i know but it was hour before yeah an hour before yeah before you came to my yes an hour before you came to my i was like i'm not coming do you want an apology no i don't want to know what happened tyga had to do it that day you got bumped bumped for Tyga.
May I ask you a serious question? Who did better numbers? I mean, the audio downloads. I think Tyga did.
Tyga's audio downloads are going to be better than yours for sure. Okay.
Click on her profile picture, her photo. There you go.
Videos? Yeah, videos. Go down to Tyga.
All right, so Bobby's at what? What does it say? 1.8 million right there with his leg spread? 1.9. 1.9.
Thank you, Pete. Where's Tyga? Right there at 5 million.
Okay, he wins. He did.
That hurt so bad. No, the whole thing hurt.
But the TikTok views were pretty good for me. Yeah.
I saw a clip. It got like 55 million or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We did have a clip that did that.

So for six months then, you were like, okay, I'm going to do Tyga.

And then for six months, you were gone.

Yeah.

In that six months, you didn't think of me?

No, I did.

But you were like, probably not. I actually thought you were really mean, and I wasn't looking forward to meeting you.

But Rick Glassman assured me that you were nice in real life.

There's a guy you should

always listen to.

What's your

opinion now?

Not much has changed.

I don't know. You scare me

a little. Wow.

What was your

opinion of me before you met me and then after?

Truly I had no opinion of you before.

Good.

People generally don't.

I had heard of.

I'll be honest.

People don't have an opinion of me before?

Generally don't.

And then when they meet you, they kind of do.

And that's a good thing.

Yeah, well, yours is usually negative.

No, it's positive.

She just said she thought you were an asshole and then she met you and it was confirmed.

But she had an opinion. I think it's better to have an opinion than not having an opinion before.
You should have less opinions, is how I feel. You know, you're acting strange today, dude.
What is it, you think? You didn't sleep well or something. Did not.
I know. I can tell by your face.
I was up all night. I was worried about this interview.
Yeah, me too. All night.
I woke up four times to pee thinking- What are we going to do? What are we going to talk to this fucking goon about? Yeah, yeah. And I didn't get any sleep.
And now I- What was your opinion after we met? You're lovely. Am I? Yeah.
We got on pretty well. Let me ask you- Wait, wait.
No, no. Stop.
I want to move on. Can I ask one more last and then we'll move on? Because yours haven't been, there's been no good questions out of you so far.
Am I wrong? Can we back this up or no? I like the flower question. Yo, that one was a fucking home run.
Way to go, Pete. The flower question.
Yeah, I liked it. Yeah, it's called Nature's Beauty.
You don't know about Nature's Beauty, dude? You're on fire today. Go ahead.
All right. Go ahead.

So your opinion of Andrew after you met him,

is your opinion stronger about him

than your opinion about me after that we met?

Is the love you have for me more than the hate you have for Bobby?

I don't think that came out smooth.

It came out weird.

Is that how you meant it?

Is the love for me bigger than the hate for Bob?

That's how I meant it, yeah.

It's like a tie.

Good.

That's good.

Oh, that's good.

Where'd you go?

Huh?

To get that.

Creation?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are you plugging creation?

What the fuck is going on with you today?

What is going on with you? Even if you're saying this right now, you would never ask what's going on with me. I don't like it.
Whatever you're doing right now, stop it. I had a bad.
You're trying to brag in front of her or something. I'm not.
Yeah, you're changing your thing. You know what I mean? Like I'm like.
Ow. That hurt.
Is this normally how your podcast goes?

Yes.

You talk to each other while your guest watches?

Oh, do you want to...

Yeah, let's not compare podcasts.

Yeah, let's not do this.

Because yours...

Yeah, there we go.

You're little girls.

You're a little girl.

You're two kids.

Oh, no, I mean...

Your children.

Yes.

I have a real question.

Okay. Slow down.
Dude, I'm this close. To what? To what? Honestly, to what? Leaving? Not leaving, but like really having a hoedown with you.
Okay, let's hoedown then. What? You got to sleep better.
I know. And you had a good set last night.
No. You're delusional, dude.
Bobby. Yes.
Put your phone down right now. Yeah, yeah.
Dude, you know what's so funny? What is your question? No, I have a question. Yeah.
With your little ears sticking out like that, you know you look like a wood elf. Thank you.
Like from the movies. You're gonna look up what that is? Yeah, yeah.
You really look like a wood elf right there to me. Show it to the fans there.
That's a nice look. What would her wood elf name be? What would her name be? There we go.

That's her.

Thank you.

Bingalo.

Bingalo.

Stevens.

Bingalo Stevens.

Yeah, yeah.

Your wood elf name is Bingalo Stevens.

Thank you.

And you live in the deep forest.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

In that mythological world, what do you think I would be?

A troll. A little troll.
I'm a little troll or a big troll? Big troll. Okay.
Fuck you. Fuck you, dude.
I have to ask. I want to know.
This is a question because I think about this a lot. My buddy has three girls.
When the girls reference their father, what do they call him? Dad or daddy daddy they say daddy yeah i just feel like i don't if i ever have a daughter i don't want do you want your daughter to call you daddy that's not weird don't make it weird you could do papa pop that's weirder how is pop or papa or poppy weirder than daddy daddy's only weird because daddy's what puerto Ricans call everybody Don't spake me daddy See? No It's weird It's weird that you It just sounds weird You know what I mean? I don't like I'll do my homework daddy Right Doesn't it sound weird? I don't like daddy Yeah I don't like daddy either It grosses me I think it's cute Yeah yeah Why is it cute? Why? It's so why but then how come it transfers over into adulthood people do that to like everything go do it again do it to something else nice try thank you yeah nice fucking try someone no one goes out no adult male goes mommy you'd fucking throw up on site if some kid if i walked into a friend's house and he was like Mommy, can we... Mamacita.
You're in America. Elsa, shut the fuck up right now, dude.
No, see what I'm saying, though? Daddy transfers into adult language. Appa.
Appa is Korean. Society and not Korean.
How does appa sound? Appa's great. Yeah.
Appa and oma. I'll do my homework, appa.
You'd ruin it already. What do you think? I know you don't do your homework, so I think that's it.
You're definitely getting spanked. Anyway.
It's appa and oma, right? Yeah. Dude, you're so bilingual.
That's high six Japanese, but anyway. Did you know what kind of Asian I am? You know? Wait, wait, wait.
You don't know what kind of Asian I am. Do you care? No.
What's your favorite ethnic food? Mexican. Oh, you like it? What dish do you get? What Mexican dish do you get? Tamales.
Oh. Loosh.
Basic. What? Do you think, do you really, do you think the word basic would apply to you genuinely or no no because it's not it's not a negative connotated thing basic is kind of nice i'd say i'm basic yeah i would say the same thank you i'm complex you are you are you are you know what i am diverse i'm two shifts away from the rubik's cube being solved and you're when all the colors are fucking all over the place.
Which is beautiful. It's not a bad thing.
I disagree. Okay.
I'm already solved. All the colors are on all of the right sides.
Abso-fucking-lutely. Yes.
Do you really think you're a cohesive thing? Yeah, but then I mix it up myself. You're a fucking nightmare.
Right. You fuck it up every morning.
But in the morning, it's back to the same colors. Right.
That's like that's like a movie Yeah Right like every day you fuck up all this shit and then overnight It somehow everything fixes it you know why Because everybody else is doing it for you Someone comes in the room Bro I swear to fuck I'm telling you right now dude You're this close of having a fucking hoedown You're this close And we haven't had a hoedown in a very long time dude And I'm willing to I'll get my cowboy hat and I'm willing to go down dude Go get it Focus on the guest She's on her phone again She's bored She's not bored No you're not You know what You are more than welcome to leave at any time I don't want her to go if you want to go go I don't want you to if she wants to go let her go we did hers she does ours if you want to go I don't want to keep you here if you don't have any more questions I have a million of them I have a million questions she's ready to go this is the first time I've ever seen it, but I think that you're a decent human being looking human being Decent looking human being and now all of it. I mean in the insides as well.
Thank you so much Were you really sad? What were you saying? What you were saying? I was you know, I'll be honest with you I was like, I don't have any questions So that I just what I mean I went with my instinct Right And it came out weird New York Basic Good and good Good look What's on What's on Bobby Althoff's Spotify top songs Like kids music Like what Like Miss Rachel That kind of stuff She doesn't make Spotify music She doesn't She doesn't have any jams Not on Spotify How about Peppa Pig They don't listen to their music. You know what, Bobby? Let's create a child song now.
I'll do a line. You do a line.
We'll go all the way down the line. That sounds good.
Yeah. Red balloon in the sky with the butterfly me.
Sliding down the slide at the park this afternoon. I'm going to pass.
We'll try it again. Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead, Bobby. What What? Yeah I'm not giving nothing No no no Go ahead Bob How about open your heart When we get to you Not make a decision now Okay You know what I mean? Yeah Okay and The red train Going down the track Who's that man Standing outside my window We can can just keep doing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
It's the mailman, but he's got a funny eye. Why is he staring at me for so long today? He doesn't have mail, but two hatches in his hand.
Interesting, and no pants on his legs. I call him Billy Billy but he goes, I'm not Billy today.
I'm a murderer. Did you guys rehearse that? Yeah, we fucking rehearsed it.
Yeah, it's called improv. What are you doing? Sorry, too much.
That's enough. It was too it.
No, I like it. Yeah, yeah.
Did you ever

did you take improv classes?

I should. I think you should.

We should teach her now. No, I don't want to.

No, because I'll tell you why. What I noticed

when I did hers, in my mind

I'm like, she doesn't know improv.

Yeah, she does. Yeah.

So I'm like, if we could teach her

then maybe, you know. What's Bobby's comfort zone? Where do you feel the most happy? Sleeping.
I love that. Yeah.
Don't you love it? How many hours a day? Not many. Because of the children? Yeah.
Let me ask you something. Yeah.
Because I know a guy who saw his nanny hit the kid.

Oh, wow.

On the thing.

In the face?

Yeah, it was abuse.

Wow.

And the cop showed up a couple days later.

A couple days.

It's LAPD, bud.

Yeah.

They got stuff going on.

Yeah.

Unless it's a gang war.

It's like a kid hit.

Big fucking deal.

Big deal.

If I took that call.

But if you saw that, would you, I mean, obviously, what would you do? You'd be enraged? you do you be enraged yeah i'd fire you'd fire but would you call the authorities yeah okay she slapped my kid yeah that's it that's it yeah you're not gonna go physically assault her you're not gonna have a hoedown you're not gonna make a ring a ding ding to somebody who should not would not be named and have that woman disposed of? For slapping my kid? Yeah. No.
In the sea, you go. You cross my kids in the sea.
Is that another song? Yeah. In the sea, you hit my kids.
No, you don't hit my kids in the sea. Okay.
If you hit my kids, you drown in the sea. Okay, my bad.
If you hit my kids, I will drown you in the sea. Pacific Ocean.
We got to be specific. Why?

Because I think the Pacific is a bigger ocean.

But it's not a sea.

Pacific Ocean is a sea.

Exactly.

Oh, Mediterranean Sea.

So far.

Indian Sea?

No, that's far.

How about the Bay?

Mexico Bay?

Sure.

It's not a sea either.

Can you please?

Just back on her phone. Back on her phone.
You guys keep talking to each other What am I supposed to do Just stare at you Yeah Okay Yeah Do whatever you want Be free We're just so glad you came What's that tattoo on your left arm there My children Holding hands Will you Have another one I was gonna say Will you regret that tattoo Because they're gonna get bigger get bigger, they're not going to look anything like that. That's going to be embarrassing.
These are my kids. Yeah.
No, I think it's a fond memory. They're already bigger than this.
They have these outfits. I saved them.
You saved those outfits? Yeah, because they're like forever etched on my body. Do you have any on your legs? No.
Okay. Yeah.

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business no matter what stage you're in shopify.com slash bad friends anyway disgusting you're oh god you i remember you saying that a lot when i was with you i was disgusted you didn't say she didn't say that once did she not not on ours yeah you because i i think i disgusted you yeah many times Many times he did not discuss you well. He wasn't like

Putting his toes out. Oh, my toes are disgusting.
Taking his shirt off. I didn't take my shirt off.
How dare you? I think you did. I did.
Yeah. I think I did.
Yeah, I did. But I apologize for that.
But it was hot. We're playing tennis.
And you tried to like hug me without your shirt on. You don't hug, right? You don't no i know your children but not no you don't hug other people not really like if we gave to give when you say goodbye when we you wouldn't give a hug would you i would no you i do would you hug me i don't hug that makes perfect sense yeah she doesn hug.
Who in the room would you hug?

So that's Pete on the left.

That's McCone in the back.

And that's Fancy in the white.

I'd say something about McCone right now, I think.

Who would you hug?

I'd hug.

You wouldn't hug yourself. An interesting thing about McCone right now, you know?

I'd hug with my family.

What?

What?

What's going on?

Well, I thought McCone thought he had a shot with Bobby. Oh, yeah.
Get on the mic. You want to say something? I don't know if you want to approach this at all, but I know you're- He literally thought he had a shot with you.
It's so silly. Well, you're single now, yes? Yes.
Yeah. And I don't know if it's sensitive, and I don't want to be rude and disrespectful to that.
And I mean, I'm being genuine. Okay.
But this guy, this moron, he says to us, he goes, I think she's really pretty. And I said, okay, great.
And then he said, I think when I go with you to the thing, I'll try to chat her up. And I said, okay, good luck.
Silly, silly man. And then he said, what do you mean good luck? You think I don't have a chance with her? And I said, I said, absolutely not.
Absolutely. Well, Bobby said, absolutely not.
And I said, do you think you do? And he said, I think maybe she'd like me. No, you started going.
I have the gift of gab. Gift of gab.
That's what he said. He said the gift of gets a Minnesota term.
And then also he was like very cocky about it. And then when I saw him after it, he's like, no, I didn't have a chance.
Well, he didn't say one word. Yeah, I didn't say one word.
So you want to say a couple of words now? You're a foolish man go ahead step up to the mic and say what you need to say I thought you know we're two movers and shakers young let him do it let him do it get up on the mic so she can see you and say what you need to say go ahead the hair is coming back in back in. I was bald for a bit, but, you know.
She can't even look you in there. I feel a little more confident again, but no, she's intimidating.
Can't, can't. That's, yeah.
That's your pitch? That's the pitch. That's the pitch.
It's so weak. You guys said that this one was her latest man.
I did not say that. Yeah, they say that, not me.
I don't say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby, is this the kind of guy that you would date in your next round of life? No. No.
Exactly. And why, though? Just give me some reasons.
Just come curious. I feel like he's like 20.
Well, you're the same age. I feel like I'm 40, so unless he's 40, then he's not my same age.
You're the same age, but go ahead. What else? What is some other? He has no money.
I'm going to guess. Can I guess? He has absolutely no money? Okay.
Let's get past that. Yeah, okay.
Beyond the age and the money thing, what else? I feel like those are two pretty big things. But let's add some more for fun.
Yeah, yeah. For the sake of the show.
I mean, is he attractive to you?

He have a mullet?

Did I see one?

He has a mullet.

He has a mullet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For now.

For now.

Okay.

Okay.

There's another.

Is he attractive?

Um, and like a kid.

Like, oh, look at that kid.

So if he calls you mommy, that's okay.

That's disgusting.

Well, that's-

Although, can I say something?

Yeah. Last night, because I something? I have a friend visiting me

And this friend of mine

She goes, you know

I know you're going to get mad, but I have to say

That I think Makona's cute

And it literally, last night

I literally lost my mind

Is this a girl that you're dating?

Yes, I literally lost my mind

It grossed me out

So he's not cute though at all I have no opinion Well look have no opinion. Well, look at him right now real fast.
Do you see anything you like over there? I don't want to. Can we set you guys up on a date? No.
Please? No. Okay.
Pretty please? No. Okay, good.
Well, you know, I'm single Bobby. I'm considered the Korean Timothee Chalamet.
So, um, Timothee Chalamet chalamet chalamet you're more you're not really a chalamet what am i more like a tuang fu bring up chalamet yeah that look at how fucking beautiful that kid is that's not you wait do that face oh yeah i see it i see it you see it yeah i see it actually look at him okay but i really love and i really appreciate you i love you feeling what you just felt because i really need you to stay where you are sometimes because he's getting real ahead of himself yeah is he he's late to everything yeah i paid for him to come out to new york i pay for his life i mean and i love him he's family to me i've said come out to new york for the premiere of my movie i want to let's ask bobby what she would have done in the circumstance my mother is in town i flew my mom out for the premiere of this movie kind of a big deal me out huh you didn't play me out why why would i friends oh do you want to come to a premiere of something no but okay well fuck dude so i flew my i flew my mom out i said you have one job you have to meet me at the premiere and i want you to film me and my mom getting out of the car together it's a special moment for me one job did you get that footage so did you get the footage is a big yes or I can't believe this shit at the time. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Did you get that footage? Were you there before me to get that car, me getting out of the car? I got on the yes or no. Were you there before me to get me and my mom? The one thing I asked you to do for you, did you film me and my mom getting out of the car? You were getting out of the car.
Did you film me and my mom getting out of the car? No.

Thank you.

What would you do in that circumstance if that was someone you hired on your team for one special moment in your life?

Who you paid to do a thing and really no other responsibilities.

He could have done anything he wanted for the fucking four days in New York.

Go to a party.

Do whatever he wants.

One thing.

What do you do in that circumstance?

And by the way, whatever she says goes.

I'll fire him. B-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d you heard it out go thank you bobby he's been waiting for that for a long time that was super good right wouldn't that hurt your heart yeah bobby yeah um when you're ready to date what are you looking for oh um let's have like a little checklist here so um can we ask you some questions sure all right so um what if he had his own children that's fine yeah i guess okay that's fine blended blended family like the pretty bunch like the pretty i can't really like say no now that i have kids right you can do whatever you want but what if they had what if they were like stay home forever kids if you know what i mean no i would prefer if they didn't have kids they have helmets you know i mean what they're stay home forever kids you know i mean they're just like whizzing around you know okay what's your next question all right so that's number one number two what if he is like I don't have a job but I have money is that okay no he needs to work yeah what if he just wants to stay home and take care of the kids yeah and he wants you to live your I mean they're whizzing around in his room in his house he's got a he needs to have his own life okay how short can he be at least six feet tall so has to be over six feet Six feet is like the When people are like you You're just cutting out so many people I think it's fair I want to be able to wear heels And you still can And not be taller Alright I mean it hurts me because when I go on

dating sites

how tall are you?

five, three and a half

there's no way

are you actually?

yeah yeah yeah I am

I am

and it's like when I go on

dating sites like Raya

some of the things

you're on Raya?

wow

wow

that's a shot

well I didn't

it's a shot to my gut

it's a shot to my gut

you know what you meant that's not what I meant I just genuinely was wondering if he's on it. They let you on that? Yeah.
That's not what I said. Anybody can get on it.
Wow, it's really going down. That even hurts more.
Let anyone get on it? I feel like I've seen that anybody, you just need like a referral code or something. A bunch of referrals by fancy people.
Thank you. Oh, okay.
Will you use the apps at some point or you think you're not going to do that?

I'm okay.

You'll never do that.

I'm waiting to stumble upon the level.

All right.

But sometimes the app will go, I'm not looking for anyone under six feet.

It hurts me.

But anyway, let's keep going.

That's fine.

Just date people under four feet.

I like taller women.

Not.

Okay, then fine.

There's women who like short guys.

That's just not for me.

Okay.

Short kids.

Fair enough. Yeah, there's a lot of women that like short kids.
You wouldn just not for me. Okay.
Short kids. Fair enough.

Yeah, there's a lot of women that like short kids.

Yeah.

You wouldn't have dated Napoleon, and that's a shame on you.

Hmm.

He ran the thing.

He ran the thing?

France.

I don't even know who that is.

Both of you guys have no idea who Napoleon is.

He ran the thing France.

Like Dynamite?

Yeah, there he is right there.

Totally in Dynamite.

He was the same height.

That's Bobby.

Yeah.

But killing the game. Look at him.
Look at his dick. Not that big.
Oh, it's not that big. Yeah, you're right.
All right, let's go back to the checklist, may I? Okay. Okay.
What if he was blind in one eye and in a fiery accident, his ears would just burn off? So you just see like holes on the side of his head.

But he covers it with hair, right?

But when you look at it, you can see like the insides.

You can see the workings of the ear.

What do you mean?

What is it?

I'm asking you a question.

Next question.

Oh, let's go back to that.

What if he was a religion?

Like he was like Zoroastrianism.

You know what that is?

Like one of the original.

Okay.

Nothing.

All right.

So he has to be over six feet tall.

Yes.

Ask her about color.

What color?

What is wrong with you guys?

What color?

What color?

You guys, I'm done.

What about Asian?

Are you okay with Asian men?

How many are over six feet?

How many are Asian?

You know what, dude?

Honestly, not much. But anyway.
It's actually true. That's true.
Interesting. I would love to see your feet.
Thank you. Jiminy Crickets.
Jiminy Crickets, I fucked up. Why would you say that out loud? I was looking at our boots right now.
I go, I like the boots, but I'm like, what's underneath it? And I go, probably nice feet. You're not saying that in a gross way, are you, bud? Not in sexual, no.
All right. I don't find it sexually attractive.
How big are your feet? Why? What size shoe do you wear? Yeah, that's not... A six.
Why? A six? Yeah. Yeah.
Tiny. I bet you have long toes.
Mm. Are they long toes? Do you paint them? Bobby, long toes.
Yeah. Do you paint your toes? I don't paint them myself, no.
But I bet you get gels? Yeah, like you, remember? I know, I do remember. Dude, that day, I'll never forget.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh.
I forgot. Ouch.
Ouch. Do you get a little limp between your toes? Will you save some and send it to him? No, it's just, this is weird.
This is what you do to me. When I'm going to leave here and tell people he was so weird.
You're going to say Bobby was weird? That's so fucking, it's so crazy because it's like, why can't you ask these questions? You can. Yeah, I'm curious about your feet.
I'm sure they're lovely.

And I'm curious to see the condition they're in.

That's all.

I mean, Pete, am I wrong?

No, not at all.

Exactly.

Do you have a foot fetish?

I might have one.

Yeah.

Because I've been showing people mine.

Yeah, well, that's not what a foot fetish is.

That's not the same thing.

And I think mine are so nice, love.

Mmm.

Yeah.

You like what you see?

I don't want to see it. Do you drink or use drugs? Are you the police? What are you asking me that for? Maybe who's asking? Why are you asking? Did you have something traumatic happen in your life growing up? No.
Okay. You were attacked by a wild animal.
Is that how you usually get information out of people?

Yeah, yeah.

You just like guess

until you maybe get it?

Yeah, yeah.

Were you in a cult?

Were your parents in a cult?

No.

Did you go to church

every Sunday?

Yes.

What church?

Can we say that?

The religion?

No, what kind of religion?

Yeah, what kind of religion?

Christian.

Oh, let's get into Jesus.

Catholic?

No. Just broad Christian? Like, what's the old? Yeah, what kind of religion? Christian.
Oh, let's get into Jesus. Catholic? No.

Just broad Christian?

The church was called Christian Church?

Non-denominational?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a cult.

You know what, dude?

Shut the fuck up.

That's enough.

Enough about you.

It is a little bit, though, but in a good way.

I can see you at a pew on your hands and knees.

What?

That's Catholic.

They don't do that.

They don't do pews?

That's not that.

I can see you in the wooden bench. Hmm.
Okay. On a wooden bench, right? And then when the song comes, you know how they do the song? You have to pick up the book a little.
I guess you immediately grab the book and really, you don't even need the book. You have it memorized.
Jesus Christ, you're my Lord and Savior. I feel like guys are going to go to hell.
And my friend. Why would we go to hell for praising Jesus? You're mocking him.
Really? Really? I think we're showing love and respect. Do you still go to church? No.
When was the last time you went? Beelzebub what i love you satan netherworld beelzebub cool so i do both like i go both ways and that confuses you that's right but that's the ying and ying of me i'm texting luke oh don't don. Who's Luke? Her manager.
Why, like, cut this out? Yeah. No, please.
No, no, no. Listen, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Bobby.
Look at him. Bobby.
Begging. Yeah.
Begging. Please don't leave.
Please don't tell your manager that, you know what I mean? This was an uncomfortable situation. I really apologize.
I worship you. I love you so much.
Thank you so much for being here, Bobby. Thank you so much for being here.
Very good. Say 10 B.O.
I'm kidding. Any other questions? Well, this was nice.
I love you so much. I really do.
I do i care about you okay and before we end i just want to let's have let's have let's do i know what we're gonna do all right because i feel like we're in a hole okay who's not we me i'm humming i'm humming too okay you're good like a. Right? So what I want to say is let's go down the line.

Not a song.

Don't worry.

Right?

But we express how we really feel about each other before we go.

Okay, that's good.

And only positives.

No negatives.

Right?

Should I start?

This is your bit.

It's not a bit, dude.

This is your...

It's an exercise.

This is your exercise.

Okay.

It's like a gratitude list.

Can you look at me?

Okay.

So, Bobby, here's how I feel about you.

Okay?

I'm honored to work with you.

I am.

When I – I really am.

When I did your – I was so grateful that you asked me to do it because you're hot in the kind of –

no, like in terms of the numbers.

Like you're hot out there, not in the, like it's attractive way, you know? I mean, you're attractive, but I know. I feel like it.
I feel like I'm drowning in sadness. All the way to China, this one's going.
I know. Let me start over, all right? I was really grateful that you had asked me.
I thought we worked well together. It got really good traction.
It helped me out a lot. I also I just think that you're like a anomaly, a very talented person.
And I think that in this time of age, we just need somebody like you out there. I think you're so important.
And I just I think that you're a good mom thank you

and I think

I want to see your feet

that's it

that's good right

is that good

other than you

I go to you now

okay

yeah

you're my best

and

you're the best

you know

and we're going to Austin

tomorrow together

tomorrow yeah

yeah it'll be fun

yeah

and I just like working with you

and I trust you immensely

God bless

and I love you so much

go ahead

Thank you. And we're going to Austin tomorrow together.
Tomorrow, yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun.
Yeah. And I just like working with you, and I trust you immensely.
God bless. And I love you so much.
Go ahead. Now your turn.
Okay. Bobby? Mm-hmm.
Be real, dude. Be authentic.
Bobby. Good.
Here we go. You know.
It's happening No because you're feeling it

And that's what I love

It's organic

It's so organic dude

I'm letting it rip

Bobby

You know what

Go in the front room

Just so I can have like a moment

Have a cigarette

I really want this to be

I want it to count

Thank you. Go in the front room just so I can have like a moment.
Have a cigarette. I really want this to be, I want it to count.

I'm sorry I made you come here and do this.

I'm sorry.

I know you said you didn't want to do it.

And you said this is going to be a waste of your time.

And you don't like Bobby.

And he makes you uncomfortable.

And you said it over and over.

And I'm sorry.

Okay.

Do you accept my apology?

No.

Okay.

That's a wrap. How do we get out of here? McCone will help you out.
That's okay. Morgan and Morgan! It's 2024 so let's talk about something important.
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This is a paid advertisement did you see dune 2 yes did you ask you oh yeah do you see it do you like it would you like it did i see dune 2 yeah yeah i didn't see dune 2 and i'll tell you why i want to re-watch dune 1 before i go again that's what i did the night before I went to see Dune 2 My cousin just did that, that was a smart idea He got stoned, he watched Dune 1 and then he went to this theater and watched Dune 2 That's what I need to go back to do Tell you this man, Elvis he really's got it Presley, he's in it Austin Oh what's going I have a bragging point? Let me brag. Can I brag? No.
I got a better bragging point than that. What is it? Austin Butler played Elvis.
Yes. Well known, right? Yeah.
When we toured Graceland, you didn't come with us. You refused to tour Graceland.
When I toured Graceland, the teenage kids, you know, someone like that. You've already told this story before.
Not on this show. I love it.
I want to do it again. Can I tell it? Teenage kids were like, Santino.
Yeah, yeah. Bad friends.
Yeah. Loved it.
Yeah. The woman goes, I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.
Yeah. The guide.
I said, that's okay. Most people don't.
She goes, well, they seem to know who you are. She goes, that's really surprising.
I've given a lot of celebrity tours this place, and a lot of people just don't really recognize anybody. I said, like who? She goes, Austin Butler, who played Elvis.
I walked him through this entire property. Not one person stopped him.
And I said, take that, Austin Butler. This is before the movie came out.
No, of course not. That's insane.
It came out. It was already way out.
I think as a guy, he might be unrecognized.

He looks like a very like.

He's like a chameleon.

Yeah, he able to.

He's like a chameleon.

Let me ask you.

That's a chameleon.

I want to say this though.

But look at that guy.

You might not know that's him.

Bro, he was so good in Dune 2.

I'm sure he was.

Yeah, he played Frey.

Fade Rautha.

Fade Rautha.

Fade Rautha. Harkonnen.
Harkonnen, correct. That's right.
Yeah. Let me have a chance to say it.
Okay. Look at how much better he looked at it.
Look at the first picture down in the second row. I mean, what a first picture.
Look at how handsome he is. So handsome.
But as Frey, because Sting played that part, remember? In the David Lynch tune and he was and Sting was like every breath you yeah yeah that's a police song isn't it yeah and it's still him it's very good but what's the difference do you like Sting more or the police more oh the police fight by far isn't that weird though why did I not like Sting after the police because he went really family kind of his songs were very like poppy and no Oh, the police by far. Isn't that weird though? By far.
Why did I not like Sting after the police? Because he went really family kind of. His songs were very like.
Poppy and. No, it was just, yeah, like.
What's that one song that he sings? I don't even remember. Oh, oh, oh, he sings.
Field of. Oh, yeah.
What's that? Oh, he sings. Streets of Philadelphia.
No, not that. The field.
Oh, that's not right. What's the field one? Kidding.
Give me the lyrics. I think I can sing it.
No. Fields of Gold.
Na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na. Of Rapture.
Or whatever it is. You'll remember me.
Yeah, that's it. When the west wind blows.
Upon the waves of Rapture. That's right.
Yeah, yeah. Fields of Gold, that's that song.
What's your favorite police song? Oh, God, I like it. Get on the ground! Get on the ground! That's enough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Why can't we do that? Bad boy, bad boy, bad boy.
That was a great song. It was a really good song.
My favorite police song was... I'm going to sing the hum and let's see if you know it.
Ready? My favorite police song. Yeah, yeah.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Yeah.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Stanley Tucci.
Na, na, na. Stanley Tucci.
Yeah. That song is about us.
You know that, right? Yeah. Roxanne's a good song.
The song that I'm singing is called Man in the Suitcase It's literally about our life Why must I be the man in the suitcase Is it me? Man with the strangest face The police were great So good And then You know what I listened the other day The Cars So many good songs Shake it up Shake it up That's so good It is really good I haven't seen anything Because I've been watching Shogun Everyone's talking about Shogun Shogun is so good But Yeah. But also, I've been watching, I watch Curb.

I watch through Curb.

Oh, Richard Lewis?

I'm staying up to date on Curb.

Yeah.

Amazing.

I heard Shogun's great.

There's only one problem.

Oh, I'm not in it.

Not enough wine people.

Oh, okay.

I don't think there's anything in Shogun for me, though.

I don't think so, either.

Why?

I can do Shogun. That's good.
Yeah, yeah. Ow, ow, ow.
Is that what it is? Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
You've got the roll. Yeah, I got it? You've got the roll.
Why can't I die? I mean, that's what they'd make you do, for sure. I know, but I can die in a dramatic show.
Of course. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
No, let me just... No no let me just do it right I'm sleeping I'm sleeping some samurai comes up to me go to bed I'm like is he sucking my dick he's not no I know no way then I go oh I feel a pinching in my stomach.
Oh, it hurts. Yeah, in your mind, when you're sleeping, you would hear that noise.
You go, you check, no dick sucking, because my sides hurt. I look down.
Why? Tongo. Why Tongo? We grew up together

In the valley

The river we had

By the creek

Is it too much?

I don't like this

Why?

I don't know what it is

Let me finish it

That's why you don't

You don't let me finish my scenes

Not if they're falling apart

I know

I'm like the fucking conductor

Who's like

Bail

But you're directing it right

So just cut it

Right?

Cut

I'm like the fucking conductor who's like Bail But you're directing it right So just cut it right Cut Yeah Reset Yeah Reset Exactly dude Let's go back to one And as an actor I'll probably still do an Asian accent Even when I'm not shooting Just to be in the role Could I ad lib Yeah ad rib I can ad rib? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you ready? I'm so prepared. Action.
You say action or do I just go? I have to say it. My bad.
No, like a good director. Take your own action.
Oh, really? Yeah. Oh.
Oh. Oh, you.
Cut. You're getting stabbed i know i don't think you owe you when oh yeah yeah yeah the oh you was this you're so stupid dude sometimes whoa i'm the director yeah yeah i don't care dude i fired no i'll tell you no don't fire me you're fired i'll tell you why you're wrong the oh you was the first two is realization oh you yeah yeah oh and then oh you is i will my eyes.
I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. The OU was, the first two is realization.
OU.

Yeah, yeah.

OU.

And then OU is, I open my eyes because I'm fucking sleeping.

Yeah, you're napping.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm going, OU.

Right?

Betrayal.

Betrayal.

Oh, that's the line?

Betrayal.

Betrayal.

As you die.

Yeah.

Okay, ready?

Action.

OU. Betrayal.
No, it's a little too. I'm not done.
Too Too excited I'm not done Already Alright right I'll take my one Oh you Betrayal Tony Oh it's Tony Yes And it's Tony Soprano Yeah well let's fuse the two worlds I gotta do it I gotta do it Yeah yeah Sorry I gotta stab you Shogogun. How would you, would you stab, let me do, you do stab.
Shogun, sorry, I gotta stab you. What do you want me to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me stab you. Oh, you do, now I'm the director.
But you have, it's Shogun. Ready? Scene 46, Shogun, you know, the rapture scene.
Action. Cut.
Was it not believable that I was getting stabbed in my sleep? Yeah, but you're not an Irish guy. How was I Irish? I look this way.
No, but you're supposed to be a Japanese guy. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. So we don't do that.
All right. So anyway, god damn this guy.

I should have auditioned this guy, man.

I swear to god, dude.

I shouldn't have offered.

Anyway, rapture scene, scene 36.

Take for 15.

And action.

You stubble me.

Oh, fairy. It's cut.
I Call the academy What does the director say Print that Print that Print that Fucking dead on You know when you go on a set and have that red light And it says do not enter when light is on we're rolling always do always i do it every time i'm not gonna stop what are we talking about let me in let me in what the fuck is going there's food in there i don't understand what you're saying when they're rolling on a stage they put red lights up to make you make sure that you know that they're rolling to not end oh i never oh dude i go in every time i'm hungry not all craft services there i'm hungry not only, it's like I always tell because there's always wardrobe and people waiting there. Yeah.
Because they don't want to cross. I cross.
And I go, you know what I always say? I go, I'm quiet. Yeah.
I sneak it. I slowly.
And those doors are so heavy. There's padded too.
Yeah, they're fine. They're so fine.
Then no one's going to hear you. Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God. I wanted to show you this.
Dude. Because, because, because, because because because we're going to abu dhabi people know one of the princes uh prince just bought prince jasmine look up look up no no just write write saudi prince billion dollar jet some guy just bought a billion dollar outfit of this jet look at this fucking thing it's gonna blow your mind maybe it's is that yeah that's it the first picture the first one saudi print that one a bill look at the fucking photos of this thing a billion dollars yeah so 500 million private boeing jet and then outfitted it with another i don't even know it says it in the article i mean dude the.
We got to get one of the princes while we're over there to let us on their plane.

For a billion dollars, he should have gotten an Airbus.

Okay.

You know what?

It's a 737 Max.

Exactly.

They're on recalls.

That's a beautiful room.

That's you and me.

Imagine that. Oh my, imagine that.

Next to each other.

But let me say something.

How many princes are there?

Because every time I think about the Middle East.

Google it.

How many princes? People say there's so many princes. There's got every time I think about the Middle East.
Google it. How many people say there's so many princes?

There's got to be.

You're my little prince.

So does that count?

How many princes are there in the Middle East?

The number of princes is estimated to be at least 7,000.

Wow.

Most of the power and influence being wielded by 200 or so.

We got to get to the 200.

I think the rest of them, the 6,800, we don't need.

What are you talking? Why not? We want to get to the 200 princes. We't want to be like Oh that's the You know what I mean The prince of This mountain You gotta start somewhere buddy Okay I'm a Imagine I'm Prince Which one are you Jasmine Prince Jasmine Yeah I am Prince Jasmine Do you know Prince Alit Saleem I do not know But I've seen him Oh and fuck you Let me keep going with the bit I'm Prince Jasmine.
Do you know Prince Alid Salib? I do not know, but I've seen him at the convention. Oh, and fuck you.
Let me keep going with the bit. I'm Prince Jasmine, right? And I'm going to tell you, I just became Prince.
There was only 6,999 Prince. It's okay, Prince.
I'm 7,000 Prince. Prince Jasmine, do you- Hello, I'm Prince Jasmine.
Do you have a private jet that we can go on? Oh, yeah. Wait, how big is it? Southwest.
Oh, you own a Southwest plane? No, I am number A1, 2, and 3. Yeah.
We get to go on first. Wow.
Wow. Before business.
It actually would be called Far East Airlines. Yeah, Far East Air.
Far East Air. Yeah.
Anyway- What's your airline called in the Middle East? Oil. Oil Air? Oil Air.
Well, deliberate. Yeah.
And can I tell you how we got our money? How did you get your money? We don't have oil. Oh.
My family. Really? Barrel.
You own one barrel? A several oil barrel. I hope you'd have a lot of barrels.
No. Twelve.
Oh, you own the physical barrel? The barrels. Oh.
Right? So we get a piece. By the way, a barrel prince is so funny.
Yeah, a barrel prince. Everyone's like, your money must have come from oil.
He's like, the barrels. That's what I'm saying.
And they're like, but not the oil inside. We manufacture barrels.
We're the barrel barons. We have technology that we take sand and put it in the mud.
Oh, you make sand mud. We have the technology.
You make sand mud.

You know how? Very simple.

How?

Water.

Get out of town.

Yeah.

Barrel princes, it's actually a very good idea.

Thank you.

It'd be funny to be like the broken-

You'd be a prince now.

Of the princes.

If you're the brokest of the princes.

You'd be a prince now.

It's like your money must-

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Well, hi, this is where the Prince Convention is?

Mm-hmm.

It's interesting.

What is your name?

Thank you. hello um well it's hi this is where the prince convention is interesting what is your name oh i'm sorry i should know yes i'm sorry i offended you you're prince jabbawaki i read about you thank you yeah and you dance i will dance yeah but, I count money.
I've made a lot of money. Yeah.
Do you know how? Can I guess? Sure. Rugs.
Kind of. Yeah, yeah, go.
Toupees. I own the biggest toupee company.
You do? Yes. But magical ones.
Head rugs. Head rugs.
But they're they're magical toupees Yes They will get you pussy magically

When you put them on

Wow

That's a great prince

The Prince Beryl

And Prince toupee guys

Should

They should hang out

By the way

I'm sure the people

Listen to this

And fucking Dubai

Are now like

Fuck these guys

Fuck these guys

Yeah

But can I

When we go to Dubai

Abu Dhabi

Abu Dhabi

I've been there before

Oh you've been to Abu Dhabi

Yes

I did a show there once

United Arab Emirates

This is a production of WGBH. guys yeah but can i when we go to dubai abu dhabi abu dhabi i've been there before oh you've been abu dhabi yes i did a show there once united arab emirates yeah we get business right yeah it's business we're going for business not pleasure no because a business class i can't do a fucking coach on that well i take to break it to you my friend but no we're not flying business class we're flying regular and we have to stop like three times we have to stop like in in Japan.
Are you fucking kidding me right now? We have to stop in Japan. Then let's not do it.
We stop in Japan, in Delhi, and then in for some reason we stop like somewhere in Eastern Europe. Then we get down there.
I don't think we should do it then. It was a good, I got it on Expedia.
It was like 38 bucks a person each way wow it was worth it no have you been doing i've been airports in the country in different parts of the world where you see like chickens and roosters on the field dude when we were in fucking i never even i don't even know if i told you this when we were leaving sicily we were in this fucking airport it wasn't open we had to wait outside The first flight was 10 a.m. These motherfuckers showed up at like 9.56.
Wow. And the guy was like, okay, okay, come, come.
Like open the gates to the fucking airport. And I turned and I was like to my dad, I was like, should we not get on this fucking flight? Was it one flight straight to America? No, it was a flight from Sicily to Rome.
Ah, that's where the good ones are.

But they opened the fucking airport.

I'm not kidding.

Security was closed.

Wow.

And I was like, is this a good idea?

This guy showed up like five minutes before we're taking off.

What's the food like?

In Abu Dhabi?

No, Sicily.

Oh, a lot of, well, it's a lot of seafood.

Southern Italy is a lot of seafood.

It's a lot of Mediterranean style stuff. If you like seafood, go down there.
If you're not a seafood guy, I highly recommend avoiding it. Because we had, there's always someone in your group who's like, I don't really like seafood.
You're like, well, fuck, dude. That's all they have down here.
But is there a pizza place? Of course. Yeah, you're going to get pizza.
Is there like a round table? Yeah, there's a jack-in-the-box.

You know what's so funny?

There probably is a jack-in-the-box down there.

No, there is a pizza place down there.

But there's, I know, obviously it's Italy, but.

No, there's not a corporate pizza place.

There's no round table.

I'll tell you, in Rome, there's like a Domino's or a Pizza Hut.

In Rome has stuff like that.

They have McDonald's.

They have all that stuff.

All right.

It's fucking, it's Rome.

It's Rome, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't built in a day.

But is there a place?

But it was built on the shoulders of Pizza Hut. Because let me ask you something about pizza.
You've got to get a pizza pizza. Yeah, pizza pizza.
So there's different kinds, right? Of what? Detroit. Yeah, Detroit style.
Chicago style. It's like a squared type of pizza.
Yep. And then you have deep to Chicago, where it's deep.
Deep, deep, deep. Deep, deep, deep.
Yep. And what I'm saying is that do people go in, like bizarre guy in Detroit was like I don't like it circle yeah I'm sure he was an immigrant moved there and decided to change the style I want to do square uh huh that's interesting to me I love that yeah I do too you know who these kind of people are people like Bobby Lee people who break the mold people who go against the grain who swim upstream who don't just do what everyone doing.
They challenge the ideals that are put out in America right now. Play some really inspirational music.
They challenge the ideals of what's happening in the world because most of them are antiquated and bullshit. And bada boom, bada bing.
I'm here. I'm here.
I'm here in Los Angeles. I'm a fucking pizza.
You know, I'm making pizza. Well, welcome to the city of Calum.
You want to open up a restaurant? I have a fucking idea. What kind of restaurant? I'm from Italy.
Oh, you're from Italy? Yeah. Where you from? Yeah.
Where you from? What? Where you from? Appleback. Applebee's Outback, Italy? Yes.
You're from Applebee, Italy? Applebee Outback. Okay.
Out of the garden. In the garden.
He's from Chile, Italy. How you doing? By the bone, by the bone.
What kind of restaurant you want to? Pizza place.

Are you fucking kidding?

I'm right over here, man.

I'm over here, man.

You're over here?

I'm over here.

How you doing?

All right. How you doing?

Let's do good fucking pizza, man.

All right.

All right.

I'm going to tell you something about

where I come from my family.

Okay?

We take a very large pepperoni.

Very large.

Is this Sebastian Maniscalco?

Is that what you're doing?

No, no, I'm not. No, I'm doing...
I'm a fucking fan. Sorry, sir.
You take it- Yeah. Right? Got it.
Check this out, my friend. I'm checking it.
Right? Well, and then we put the breading on it. Oh.
It reversed. Right? So I put chunks of bread on this gigantic pepperoni.
So it's like a calzone. No, but it's, no, because the pepperoni is exposed.

It's fucking exposed,

my friend.

So you haven't just,

like your guts,

if I fucking kill you

in the desert,

and I'll fucking expose your guts

into fucking vultures.

I don't want any harm, pal.

Fucking piece of shit.

I don't want no problems.

I'll fucking jab you

with a fucking pizza

in your fucking eye, bitch.

So wait,

you're proposing,

you're proposing a pizza

with just bread cheese?

Hey,

hey,

I like it. You know, yeah, here's a million dollars.
With the cheese. With the cheese.
Inside the bread bits. Check it out, my friend.
And then you know what? You think, I know what you. Hey, hey, hey.
I know what you're fucking saying right now to me right now. My friend.
I'm going to tell you something right now.

Right?

Portobello mushroom.

Very good.

A gigantic one.

So it captures the juices.

Right?

So you put the pepperoni, right?

In the portobello.

Gigantic portobello, right?

And you put the bread chunks with the cheese inside the fucking fucking thing, man.

The fucking onions, the pepperoni, the pepperoni, the pepperoni, the fucking sausage.

Fucking ricotta cheese. Fucking fucking.
What, man. The fucking onions, the pepper on the bell, the pepper in the fucking sausage.
Fucking ricotta cheese.

Fucking fucking.

What do you think, my friend?

Are you gonna buy it? Are you gonna buy it?

I think you're never gonna make it.

That's fucking rude, dude.

What?

That's fucking rude.

No, he doesn't believe in your business.

It's flawed. It's flawed, I know.
Halfway during, I was like, I don't even know where I... But you keep going.
It was awesome, but I was very confused. You just keep going, you know? Sometimes you keep going.
Yeah, and the world stops. You know what? Can I tell you something? What? I'll stop the world and melt with you.
Let me ask you something about Austin. I'll stop the world and melt

with you. What a great song.

So good. So good.
Let me ask

you something. When we go to Austin, what day is our

thing? Friday.

Friday. We leave tomorrow night.
Yeah.

Friday. Friday we have to do a thing.

During the day? Saturday. Nothing.

Well, Saturday I guess we can say it because it'll have already

happened when this comes out. We're doing pop-in special headliner

shows at Rogan's Club. Two shows.
I didn't know that. We are.
You and I are going to do stand-up. Yeah.
Oh, that's great. You didn't know it? You proposed it to me.
You said you wanted to do new material shows there. Do you not remember this? I want to do that.
You literally said, let's do new material shows. Let's do it.
That was your proposal. Let's do it.
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. You were like, I didn't know that.
I called Adam Egan. Hey.
There it is. There he is.
What are you doing when your fucking organs are exposed? Yeah. Very good.
Fucking ripping with my fucking family fucking albums. How good did it feel to watch her berate McCone, though? Did that feel good at least? Dude, when I brought that up, though.
Loved it. The best part.
Did it hurt you? In the beginning, though, it was like, what the fuck is he doing? No, I knew exactly what you were doing. I was like, fuck.
Yeah.

You don't have a shot.

You can't even play anything off.

I'm like, I don't even know. You don't have a fucking shot, my friend.

I can't even say it.

Hey, hey, listen to the Don when he's talking.

The Don is here.

I don't go fucking shit.

Your name would be Don Wong.

Don Wong, my friend.

Hey, the Don Wong would like to speak with you.

He's my friend, my other Don friend. Go ahead, go ahead tell him about i really hate this impression fucking terrible why it's terrible i love it it's so bad it's so interesting it's so bad this guy you don't like it you don't like it i like it i don't like it dude honestly though no joke a mafia movie yeah where like it's very serious and deep and dark and they bring him in the room and they meet you y'all like doing that yeah i fucking lose my shit if it's like a dead serious where it's like everybody we called a meeting because we want to have a conversation the don would like to talk to you and someone else is like what did i Don? I didn't do nothing to the Don.
Look, he just wants to speak with you for five a bad friend. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.