Rudy & The Goop

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Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends, we're on the last leg of our tour. This is it.
The greatest show on earth. Sacramento and Long Beach are totally sold out.
Then we go to Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Niagara Falls.

Speaker 1 Niagara is sold out. Windsor, it's right there about to sell out as well.
So if you live in Windsor, come see us. Come to Tucson, Arizona.
In Tucson, Arizona. Back to Arizona.

Speaker 1 And the final one, Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas, that's about to sell out as well.

Speaker 1 So come out and see us at badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com. And also, bad news, good news.
Good news. Good news, good news.
Good news is this. Good news is this.
We did a competition.

Speaker 1 That's right, a shot. How about a

Speaker 1 t-competition? A t-shirt competition. That's right.
I knew I was going to win. I always win.
And I won. By how much? A thousand or so.
Yeah, way more than you.

Speaker 1 So now what I get is a naked massage. Well, you're going to massage it.
Naked? Yeah, you get a nice massage. No, you get a regular massage.
No, we said naked. We said naked.
We did say naked.

Speaker 1 Your regular massage. No, naked.
If you want to see me

Speaker 1 pay the piper and do my due diligence, go to patreon.com slash bad friends to see the massage. Patreon.com/slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 You're gonna get what you want, okay? Okay, pig. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Bad friends. Goop dog.
Goopy goops. Goop dog.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Do a song for goop. Goop, goop, goop.

Speaker 1 Goop, goop, goop. Goop.

Speaker 1 Goop, goop, goop. Drip,

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, the goop dog is back in the studio. You put the mic to your mouth, goop? What? This is a mic? Yeah, Mike.
I thought I was wearing the mic. Okay, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, you gotta put the mic to your mouth. I'm still near your mouth, too.
Okay. Got it.
Everything's fine? Yeah. Yeah.
You seem more panicky today. Yeah, because I realized I can't be the goop anymore.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Why? I can't be the goop. You don't like the nickname.
I love the nickname, but Gwyneth Paltrow is a goop, and I'm scared of Gwyneth Poop. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 They're two different goops. Gwyneth Paltrow has her line of cherry choo-choo candles.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I can't be the goop. I don't want

Speaker 1 to be this. Relax.
You're the goop. No, no, wait, wait.
Called goop. You're the goop.
Andrew, we should give him the opportunity to make up his own nickname. Oh, no.
Let's just try.

Speaker 1 Let's see what he comes out with.

Speaker 1 Goop, what would you like to be called? I like the goop because I didn't have to think of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I know.
So can we stay with the goop? Yeah, yeah. I do have a nickname, but it's already taken in the comedy community.
What is it called? I don't want to be it, though, okay? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I say something? Yeah. His eyebrows are thicker this time.
Yeah, you grew on it. Really? Yeah, it's a little figure.
Congratulations. Thank you.
So I'm evened out. I'm a balanced nigga.

Speaker 1 Well, it's uneven. It's a little

Speaker 1 uneven. It's still uneven, but what's the nickname in the comedy community that you're given?

Speaker 1 Oh, I wasn't given in the comedy community, but I can't have my out-of-the-comedy community nickname because

Speaker 1 it's Coco, and there's already a Coco. Coco Diaz.
Joey Coco Diaz. Yeah.
Yeah, but he moved to Jersey, so you're.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You're...

Speaker 1 You're good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you do an impression of Joey? Diaz? He's Italian, right?

Speaker 1 He is Italian. So

Speaker 1 hey, that's all I have.

Speaker 1 It's gritty. Let him do it.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Go gritty.

Speaker 1 Imagine this. You smoked a carton of cigarettes in one hour.
Okay. And then all of a sudden, the spirit of JFK went into your throat.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 RFK. RFK, my bad.
My bad. Robert Downey Jr.
No, I'm dyslexic. But RFK, you know who that is?

Speaker 1 Hey, kind of talks like this.

Speaker 1 He's married to Cheryl Hines. We'll go deeper.
Isn't he trying to be president? This guy? Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a benefit show.
I'm doing a benefit show for the show. I'm Cheryl Hines.

Speaker 1 Oh, I can't kid around anymore. I'm doing benefit.
Let's move on. I know.
Wait, let's bring up the lineup of who's on the benefit show for RFK.

Speaker 1 Are you goop?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is it Rudy? Rudy, that's the goop dog right there.

Speaker 1 I thought he'd be Asian. You thought he'd be Asian.
He did seem Asian. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shout out to the benefit for RFK, Cheryl Hines. Tim Dylan, Rob Schneider, Bobby Lee, Dustin Yabara,

Speaker 1 and Mike Binder. Yeah, Mike Binder.
I got to say something about this lineup. It's all-star.

Speaker 1 This is star-studded. Fuck you, dude.
This is star-studded. That's Chelsea Handler.
It's not Chelsea Handler. It's Cheryl Hines.

Speaker 1 Can I just say, may I defend myself real quick? Why? I'm just teasing. No, no, you can tease all you want.
All right. That's why I'm here.

Speaker 1 All right, but may I defend myself a little bit? Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 RF. Wait.
RFK.

Speaker 1 Cheryl Hines. They call me together.
Hey, Dico, would you mind doing a benefit for? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, talk to Cheryl.

Speaker 1 Is that a disability we shouldn't be making fun of? No, it's just, I don't know what it is. Is he dying from that? No.

Speaker 1 If he's dying from it, I can't make fun of it. If he's not dying from it.
Anyway, Cheryl gets on the phone. I said, can you do us a favor and please do this better? I can't say no to her.
You could.

Speaker 1 Spasmotic dysphoria

Speaker 1 around 1996. One symptom with a rare neurological disorder is a raspy voice.
No cure.

Speaker 1 Patients can undergo surgery. It's not going to kill.
It's fine. Not going to be fun.

Speaker 1 That's his red hair. We're going to make fun of it.
That's his red hair.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. He's fine.
That's his Korean eyes.

Speaker 1 No. I love my Korean eyes.
And if you have Korean eyes out there, I don't. If you have Korean eyes out there, be proud.
Sleepy little boy.

Speaker 1 You know who called me today? Your mom.

Speaker 1 Why? I swear to God, your mom called me. I'll even prove it to you.
No, I believe you. She rung me up.
What did she say? Just wanted a fucking link.

Speaker 1 That's weird. You know what she said to me? What?

Speaker 1 Andrew, you're my sneaky link. She called me sneaky link.
Yeah. You know what a sneaky link is? You.
That I'm a side piece. No, that's not what it means.
Sneaky link. No.
Sneaky link.

Speaker 1 She called me that. No, you're a problem solver.

Speaker 1 Sneaky link is a slang term that refers to a secret or discrete meeting between two people who are romantically interested in each other. She called me.
She didn't say that. She called me sneaky link.

Speaker 1 No. Or she said, get a drinky drink.
I couldn't really make out.

Speaker 1 But I think she called me a sneaky link. I swear.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what she said. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Welcome also to the show. The goop is this back, and also our beloved Rudy Jules.
Rudy Jules. Rudy Jules.
Looking nice in her teddy form. What do you think of the goop so far?

Speaker 2 So far. I like his energy.
It's like calming and chill.

Speaker 1 What color is his energy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Orange for some reason.

Speaker 1 What color? Did you want to say pink? You're red. I'm red.
He's orange. What's Bob? Yellow.
That's not, you can't say

Speaker 1 that. You're right.
You know what your energy is? Shit brown. Poop.
No. Poop.
Awful.

Speaker 2 I had explosive diarrhea before

Speaker 1 coming here.

Speaker 1 End scene.

Speaker 1 Did you really have an upset stomach? No. What's been going going on? What did you eat?

Speaker 2 I ordered coffee, but I forgot to order almond milk.

Speaker 1 I got whole milk. Oh, you're lactose? Like I am? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How are you guys? Is everybody lactose now? It's like a thing that's going around. What do you mean? I feel like a lot of people are lactose intolerant now.
Did you put on perfume this morning? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You smell it? Yeah, I can smell it. Wow,

Speaker 1 what is that? It's Tito Bobby's perfume, I asked.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 2 I asked for it on my birthday.

Speaker 1 What was it? The Rouge Bakaman. Oh, that one, yeah.
Yeah. What is it? I don't know.
Rouge Bacchaman. Yeah.
Rouge Bachaman. Rouge Bacchaman.
And you took the notebook, too.

Speaker 2 No, I forgot to get it.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.
Anyway, Goop, how's the response been since the last time you were on our show? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 800,000 people saw. that episode.
I don't even know 800,000 people. Like, it's

Speaker 1 overwhelming. No one does.

Speaker 1 Do you think we know all of that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys are. 800,000 people saw it, but even more people heard it.
Whoa. A lot of people listened to it.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I haven't gotten that much love. I didn't know there was that much love in the world for me.

Speaker 1 It was incredible. You deserve it.
Don't you feel good? Whoa.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do with your newfound fame?

Speaker 1 I bought tickets to Adele's final performance.

Speaker 1 June 15th. You did.
And that's her final performance performance in Las Vegas. I'm not going to Germany.
Right.

Speaker 1 Wait, she lives at Maine, huh? She lives in Germany? No, she announced a Germany residence. Oh, okay.
She's going to spend a whole

Speaker 1 year doing shows just for Germans, huh? Yeah, which sounds kind of. Who's opening? Kanye?

Speaker 1 You like that joke? I do. Yeah, you like those jokes.
Dude, I got the goop. And then you bought Esther something, no? Yeah, we're going to see Madonna.

Speaker 1 You got her to the tickets. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's second row i heard no it's it's it's a perfect view because it's from she has many stages so we're we're gonna be after all the stages and in the first row so she has like four stages i don't she has many four stages and you're in first row in all the stages no no no no no um we're we're in a comfortable distance from you know there's there's two catwalks and then another catwalk in the middle and then there's like a little break i want to make sure she could see so there's a little break in the middle and and then there's me and Esther and Emily.

Speaker 1 Goop. Who's Emily? From the Comedy Story.
R. Emily.
Our Emily. R.
Emily. Oh, wow.
Wow. I have a feeling when this sun comes up, you're going to get up and you're going to jiggle your little body.

Speaker 1 There's no Madonna song that'll make me label my body. Like a virgin.
No.

Speaker 1 I think my favorite song would be probably Frozen, or I like Miley's cover of

Speaker 1 Like a Prayer. Oh.
Just like a prayer. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like the prayer, like you kneel down to suck the dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 that's what it's about. I know.
Is it really? Yes, it's about giving head. Like a prayer is about giving head.
That's why people were mad about it. Oh.

Speaker 1 And then the music videos with like a black Jesus, right? Remember that people got really mad about that? That's before your time. But in the music video, people were upset.

Speaker 1 She's like, she's like kneeling in front of a black Jesus. It's about, and I say black Jesus, I should just say Jesus because that's what color he was.

Speaker 1 That's hot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she was sucking him. Well, he was fucking.
But what's on his face?

Speaker 1 He's crying. That's tears.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 It looks like goop. Well, yeah, it looks like goop.
That's you're there. But he's half wooden.
He's like wooden turns into. It's like goop nut on his face.
No. It's goop nut.
No. Goop nut.

Speaker 1 Goop dog. What do you think about Rudy? Have you? Do you know about Rudy on this show? I thought she was going to walk in and then she was going to be like, stop being a little bitch.

Speaker 1 But like, she done that. Yeah.
Do you have any advice to give to Goop, Rudy?

Speaker 2 Not really. He seems so cute.
I just want to

Speaker 1 squish him. Squish him.
Go ahead and squish him. Squish mellow? Yeah, you're allowed to squish him.

Speaker 1 It's in his contract that he's allowed to get squished. Well, yeah.
It is, dude. You signed it.

Speaker 1 Polly squished me. And he also said that he watched the episode and said it was like watching an episode of Love on the Spectrum.
And then I watched Love on the Spectrum, and he's not wrong.

Speaker 1 Let me say something. You got to be careful with that guy.
Why?

Speaker 1 With Polly? Yeah. Why?

Speaker 1 Just be careful, dude. Oh, you're saying I'm right.
Yeah, you got to be careful. You in particular.
You have to be careful

Speaker 1 and when i yeah

Speaker 1 you'll get scratches hey scratch do you like scratches i got blue blue

Speaker 1 what blue balls scratch no no have you ever had blue balls goof no but i will call 911 i know that you know you're not supposed to they're not supposed to be blue they're not you're not supposed to they don't physically turn blue yeah is it oh yeah then why do they call that

Speaker 1 they don't turn ice blue what are you talking about it just means when you have like backup of semen and you like you get close to ejaculating and then you don't and the buildup causes pain and discomfort.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they call it blue balls

Speaker 1 Have you ever had that? Have you ever had pain and discomfort in your nutsack? I have pain and discomfort everywhere like sometimes yeah, like uh and you know you have blue shoulders then I just

Speaker 1 like I have pain in my chest and I have a tingly feeling in my arm. Wait, which is called a stroke? This one and then left as a stroke.
Yeah, I just ignore it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Don't

Speaker 1 we got to go to the hospital, dude? It has to be three days in a row. Oh, you googled it.
What fucking... no it doesn't

Speaker 1 one in a row is

Speaker 1 it has if you feel something if your chest feels heavy and your arm goes numb you're having a heart attack i thought it meant you're in love yeah it can that tingly feeling in your chest and then you know you're gonna be in love yeah well you're gonna be in love with the afterlife if you can

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 goop dope goop dog you do you really get tingles in your arms yeah but they blame anxiety with now you're either you're either having an anxiety attack or a heart attack and there's really no difference there's a huge difference Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, massive, massive difference.

Speaker 1 One is from

Speaker 1 the skull barrier, and the other one is your heart stopping. So totally different things.
One of them is your brain going, oh, I'm afraid of the world. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the other one is your heart being like,

Speaker 1 No, they send the same signals. They do feel the same.
No, they don't. I've had panic attacks.
They don't feel like a heart attack. No.
No. And I hope you do not.
Have you had a heart attack before?

Speaker 1 No, but my dad actually had a heart attack. And also, I forgot to say he has up the butt cancer.
So he had many things that he died from, not just COVID

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 heart condition.

Speaker 1 Let's start.

Speaker 1 We'll approach up the butt cancer in a second. Why do you say up? You just mean, does he, did he have rectal cancer? I think prostate.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of them.

Speaker 1 That's up the butt, if you ask me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Have you ever felt your prostate coop? No, but I know that they say that, you know, you have to do it, but I'm only 27.
So maybe when I turn 37, have you ever put anything in your butt at all?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, okay, that'd be good. Obviously,

Speaker 1 look at me right now, okay.

Speaker 1 Look at me right now, Joe. Okay, I'm not judging.
Okay, I love you, I love you too, and I love you to be honest with me. Okay,

Speaker 1 we're friends, okay.

Speaker 1 And I'm gonna ask you a direct question, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 And I would love you to be completely honest with me. Okay,

Speaker 1 have you ever had

Speaker 1 anything

Speaker 1 up your butt no

Speaker 1 dude did i pass i think he passes dude put put both of your arms up in the air i can't have jiggleies no put put them both like this okay all right ready yeah look at will you look at me again hello have you ever had anything up your butt no okay that's great

Speaker 1 you you're not supposed to do this have you ever touched your own butt

Speaker 1 when you like your butthole? Like for fun. For fun.

Speaker 1 The hello from the other side? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do like Adele, but Hello from the Other Side. I'm scared of my own body.
Why are you scared of your own body? I'm not like other people. This is a Hello from the Other Side.
Yeah. That's Adele.

Speaker 1 Adele sucks. It's like anal sex.
Hello from the other side. That's what the song was about.
I bet. That or bad reception.

Speaker 1 Or ghosting. I don't know.
It's her weakest song, actually. I can't believe it's a hit.

Speaker 1 you don't like hello from the other side no no well let's pull up the lyrics to hello from the other side and i want to see what your biggest beef is with and listen up adele because she's a big fan of the show hello it's me right i hello how who did that wondering if after all these was that carlos

Speaker 1 to go over everything

Speaker 1 they say that i'm supposed to heal you but i ain't done much healing Hello, you sing the next line. The fact that you don't like this song boggles my mind.
It's such a beautiful song.

Speaker 1 You get the next line. Go ahead.
Hello?

Speaker 1 Can you hear me? That one?

Speaker 1 Yeah, buddy.

Speaker 1 Can you hear me? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Hello? You know the Howard colour. Can you hear me?

Speaker 1 I'm in California. All right, don't let him do it.
So go ahead. And go.
We're recording. I'm going to lip sync.

Speaker 1 No. Hello.
Hello?

Speaker 1 Come on, goop.

Speaker 1 Hello. Oh, no.
See, if I could sing, I would be singing.

Speaker 1 Julie, you want to get a stab, Jules? Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she can do it. Hello.

Speaker 1 Can you hear me?

Speaker 2 I'm in California, dreaming about who we used to be.

Speaker 1 See, she gave it a shot. She gave it a shot.

Speaker 1 It sounds nothing like it. People in their cars.

Speaker 1 People in their cars were turning down the highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Just give it a second. Give it a second.
It's hard. You got it.
Just repeat after me, though. Yeah.
Hello. Hello.

Speaker 1 Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Speaker 1 I'm in California dreaming. I'm in California dreaming.
About who we used to be. About who we used to be.
This is Bobby's version. That's very good.
When we were younger. When we were younger.

Speaker 1 Come free. It sounds like a country.
And free.

Speaker 1 I've forgotten how it felt. I've forgotten how it felt.
Before the world fell at our feet. Before, oh, that's a pretty song.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you like it now?

Speaker 1 No, okay, look, she had an incredible record, and for this to be the first single off her new record, you know, it was a bit of a letdown because, like, all her singles from the previous album was better than this, you know.

Speaker 1 But I like the second single off this album. Judgy, you can't even sing it, and you're judging.
Oh, I bet I can't.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 1 No more singing.

Speaker 1 We know that part.

Speaker 1 Hello. That part is, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what a couch quarterback is have you ever heard that phrase if it's anything like this it's probably not very no a couch quarterback is someone who at their house criticizes like nfl players oh they could do it and they're so like indignant about it so you criticize adele putting out that single

Speaker 1 but you can't sing i can't sing i really can't sing so you got to give it props it's a great song it's a good song it's okay and it's a banger single why not It's a good intro.

Speaker 1 So you think if you managed Adele's career, you would have put out a different single from that album? I think after being gone for that long, maybe that was a good choice, but it's not her best song.

Speaker 1 Hello, it's a reintroduction. Yeah, it is a reintroduction.
Yeah. Well, okay, you guys win.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. I'd like to give you a gift.

Speaker 1 McCone, give him a gift because I feel like it's a midway point right now of his comfortability on the show. Yeah.
Almost comfortable. Oh, my God.
Got you some chippies, bud. Whoa, thank you.

Speaker 1 I just had a big dinner yesterday. I had the lace barbecue, which is a classic.
But maybe I could, you know. You don't have to hold it like a baby.
It's, I like to hold Doritos and babies like

Speaker 1 I would trust you more with a bag of Doritos than a baby. Oh, yeah.
And that looks like you care more about that. Yeah.
That's also,

Speaker 1 these aren't Doritos. You don't like this.
This is just restaurant-style tortillas. It's a good starter chip.

Speaker 1 It's a startup chip. Do you want a baby?

Speaker 1 Look at me right now. Do you want a baby, babe? I love babies, but I hate children.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you could steal a baby, raise it, and then when it becomes a kid, kid, give it away again. That's true.
I mean, I really do want to pet. I'm Shoshonia.
I'm your wife. I like that.

Speaker 1 That's a pretty name.

Speaker 1 Let's do a scene. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 And I'm your bigoted neighbor. Yeah.
Oh. Craig.

Speaker 1 Craig. Okay, Shoshonia.

Speaker 1 Look what I got. I don't see it.
That's not improv. Oh.

Speaker 1 Swear yourself.

Speaker 1 Let's teach him. Wait, let's teach him the rules of improv.
It was improv. He didn't see what you had.
You had to explain it. No, but he's supposed to add information and tell me what it is.

Speaker 1 No, but he just said, I don't see it. He can't hold the baby like this.
It's not a baby. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll give you the ultrasound. Oh, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Greg. Hello, Shoshonia.
Good morning. Good morning, Shoshonia.

Speaker 1 Look what I got. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Where do you get that from?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I was feeling a little nauseated, and i went to the doctor and and and my doctor thought that maybe i was pregnant and i got an ultrasound and here we go whoa we're having a baby no way i was gonna say we should have a dog but i guess we're having an armenian baby and it's furry and it's cute so it's like the best of both worlds

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 are you having a baby or are we having a baby no i mean you came inside me remember okay

Speaker 1 what do you mean okay you were there but that doesn't answer the question if you're gonna to have it

Speaker 1 or if we're going to have it together.

Speaker 1 Remember? In the missionary? In the military? Remember when you were looking at me, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just say what you said. You said, I'm about to come.
I'm about to goop.

Speaker 1 And then... Right, and then right inside me.
Okay. And that's what...
Look.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Is it a girl baby or a boy baby? It's a girl.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The sex scene between you guys is just like the one in Forest Scump with him and Jenny.

Speaker 1 They had sex in Forest Scump. In my mind, that's the exact same.
That is the exact same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, how many palms do you think? Two? Not even.

Speaker 1 He stuck it in and came. Slip broch.
Yeah. Slip brochure.
Because he had waited all his life. His whole life.
Yeah.

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Let me say something to you, okay?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We're family. Whoa.
No, don't woe up. Okay.
Never woo-up, Dad. That should feel nice.
You don't have any more.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I drove by Forest Lawn on my way here and I thought of Carlos.
Why? Why? Because I passed by all my family members. Yeah.
Oh, they're all at Forest Lawn. Yeah.
How many do you think?

Speaker 1 I think there's four buried together and then two buried together and then two buried somewhere else. And then I might be missing a few.

Speaker 1 With the two that's buried somewhere else on Forest Lawn, how come they get not closer to the. We have prime real estate at Forest Lawn.

Speaker 1 Your family, I'm sure. Yeah, we have some great spots.
You're not my family. Are you Forest Lawn Burbank or Forest Lawn Glendale? The one that's on the way here.

Speaker 1 Do you bring flowers?

Speaker 1 I I actually don't visit people because it's kind of like, what's the point?

Speaker 1 But if I do go, I would. But I'm not going to go.
You've never been.

Speaker 1 I go visit. You can die for the funeral.
Every time someone dies, we kind of see the other people.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's like a. And I don't drive.
I can't drive. You can't for one.
Yeah. Do you cry at funerals? Be honest.

Speaker 1 At funerals? Yeah. It depends.
Rudy, when's the last time you cried? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think last week. But also, also, I don't cry a lot, so I forced myself to cry.

Speaker 1 What did you cry about last week?

Speaker 2 Last week,

Speaker 2 it was like a... Because I tried to force myself to cry, so I read like negative comments.

Speaker 1 What? On the internet? Don't cry. About you?

Speaker 2 That's how I cry.

Speaker 1 Why do you do that? Yeah, well, don't look at negative comments.

Speaker 2 Because then I can't cry.

Speaker 1 You don't need to cry. Does it hurt your feelings when you read a negative comments?

Speaker 2 Sometimes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the meanest thing that you've read?

Speaker 2 It's mostly just,

Speaker 2 oh, she's.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 They said I look like a giant blueberry.

Speaker 1 That's cute. Yeah, that is true, though.

Speaker 1 Bring up the picture.

Speaker 1 Bring up the picture of Violet from Willie Walker. That's what I pictured.
Funny. Somebody's got

Speaker 1 your face with that funny thing. That's very funny.

Speaker 1 It's very funny. Can a great artist please paint the goop as

Speaker 1 Violet? That's our goop shirt. Yeah.
You're turning goop, goop.

Speaker 1 Wait, goop, how old are you? No, I'm 27. He said that.
He said he's been 27 for over a decade. Oh, he.
You don't know. He looks like 20.
Whoa. Whoa.
See what the fuck he does. No, he does not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he does. 20 does not.

Speaker 2 Oh. I feel like

Speaker 1 connection.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. I was in special ed classes.
That's why. That's why.
Yeah. But there was this one special day where they were enrolling people in honors programs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I asked my teacher if I could be in honors programs. So she wrote a recommendation and they sent me to honors classes and they sent me back the same day back to special ed.
But in community, in

Speaker 1 public schools, you have the choice of choosing

Speaker 1 some teachers. You would be so hard to teach.
Yeah. I'm a good lady.
I would get nothing done.

Speaker 1 Teaching him? I would just want to. I would give up first day.
I know. I can't do it.
I would want to just chat with him. Yeah, yeah.
Like, I couldn't be.

Speaker 1 So somebody said you have to go to special ed.

Speaker 1 I wasn't in special ed. Why? I have a learning disability.
Which is what? I have, I think it was a mixture of, I just can't learn. Yeah, but you're.

Speaker 1 It's hard, but you're intelligent. You can't learn anything.
You're intelligent, though. Yeah, I can tell that you're intelligent.

Speaker 1 So what do you mean? You just didn't absorb school shit. Yeah.
There was too much going on. Do you independently learn stuff on your own? Are you a reader? Yeah, I guess I got right here.

Speaker 1 Check this out. Here we go.
I think you're undermining yourself.

Speaker 1 And I think that you have information, common knowledge that we all know. And I'm going to ask you some questions.
And this is going to prove a point. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 To your best of your ability, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Why did we attack Japan with the two bombs, Nagasaki and Hiroshima? What led up to that?

Speaker 1 Those were the bombs' names?

Speaker 1 No, those were the two camps.

Speaker 1 Those were the two guys. Two guys.
The two cities that we bombed, Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It sounds like it's like the Olympic celebration when they have.

Speaker 1 What led up to that, though? Here we go. Come on.
Come on, Goop. I don't have Japan knowledge.
I don't even know a Japanese star.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think he's right. Yeah.
He could be right. Give another historical.

Speaker 1 Common knowledge, everyone would know. I think that one was pretty easy.

Speaker 1 Let's say what Rudy says. How How about that? Yeah, why do you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. Pearl Harbor? Yeah, Pearl Harbor.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Do you know what Pearl Harbor was? Yeah, that movie, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Matt Damon. Yeah.
Yes. And it's Private Ryan's or something.
Fictional movie. Yeah.
Pearl Harbor. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 That was about Matt Damon. That war was started over at Matt Damon.

Speaker 1 The Civil War. By the way,

Speaker 1 two goop chuckles for me. I got.

Speaker 1 Two.

Speaker 1 Goop dog, the Civil War. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was between the who and the who. The what and the what.
The Indians and the cowboys, probably. You better believe it.
You better believe it. The Indians and the Cowboys.

Speaker 1 Did you see the Indians and the Cowboys? Yeah, and

Speaker 1 you're being civil. Whose team would you have been on? I would have to be the Cowboys because I can't pull off skirts and feathers and like slits.
I can't shoot.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't look good. I have my mother's legs, but still.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you would look good with those two little gut holsters. Yeah.
You would look good with that.

Speaker 1 And with the bullets over your. I'm wearing jeans.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what they all wore. Yeah.
Rudy, I want to know for a second

Speaker 1 about how how life is going because

Speaker 1 we're getting a little worried about you.

Speaker 2 Well, my visa expires. I know.

Speaker 1 I know. What's going on?

Speaker 2 So I have to go back.

Speaker 1 Shit. When?

Speaker 1 June. How can we help this?

Speaker 1 We got to help this. How do we do this? Can we write a letter to somebody?

Speaker 2 No, I can just renew it. It's just.

Speaker 1 But you have to go home before you renew it. Yeah.
You can't do it here. No.
Right. So what if you go home and they don't let you back?

Speaker 2 I know. That's why I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Because they can do that. They can deny it.
I'd be so... We have to do something.
I know. I'll do whatever it takes.
Well, I mean, number one, she's a she's a person.

Speaker 1 A public figure, a personality on our show.

Speaker 2 What if they hate my

Speaker 2 hate white people?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, stop saying that now.

Speaker 1 Your visa end date is in June. You have to go home.
You have to schedule an appointment there. And then they may or may not let you back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I heard from my cousin, because he had a tourist visa when he was young, and it expired. And then he went to an interview and he didn't, they denied him.

Speaker 1 This is different, though.

Speaker 1 You're going to college. She had a student visa.
Yeah, that's different than a. I know, but the student visas run out when you're out of school.
Ask this guy. But you're still in school, right?

Speaker 1 How many more years?

Speaker 2 I have one more year. Yeah, you're in.
So they can't deny me, though.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, they actually can. They definitely can.
What? Well, because you're only allowed a visa for their...

Speaker 1 They don't give a fuck if you finish school or not. They're just saying you have to finish it in this amount of time we've given you, and then you have to reapply.

Speaker 1 So she's got a, I mean, we might not let you back in. Or you can get married.
Your boy.

Speaker 1 He can come through, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but

Speaker 2 he's scared of his mom because his mom's really religious.

Speaker 1 Well, so what?

Speaker 1 She doesn't want you to get married. Wouldn't they want you to get married then if they're very religious?

Speaker 2 No, because she thinks we're still young.

Speaker 1 You are. Yeah.
But you're Filipino. He's Filipino.
Yeah, but... You got that in common.
Would this be somebody you'd marry for real in the future?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 wow wow holy how long so if he asked you to marry you right now you'd say yes not right now no if he said will you marry me but down the road and give you like a what is it a promise ring

Speaker 1 that's scary but yeah wow she would do it it's incredible congratulations

Speaker 1 thank you love have you ever been in love uh before this

Speaker 1 no no have you ever been in love coop No. Well, yeah, but not real people.

Speaker 1 What have you been in love? What do you mean, not real people? Like the Ottoman or something? Imaginary love? Yeah, Shakira.

Speaker 1 Imaginary thing. You've been in love with people that don't know you're in love with them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like a stalker. Like unrequited love.
No, it was young love. It was young love.
That they don't know about. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, young love is when two people are very young and they get infatuated with one another.

Speaker 1 That is a phrase.

Speaker 1 You were just young when you fell in love with

Speaker 1 the guy from Florida, the Bjork killer. Yeah, the guy that, yeah.
Bjork's dead? No, he's not dead. But there was a guy who was so obsessed with Bjork.
Okay. It was a real thing.

Speaker 1 You can still see his YouTube videos. Yeah, he went to Wicked like 24 times or so.
No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he

Speaker 1 that, you know, back then, there was no like internet. I guess so he went to.
Ricardo Lopez. Yeah, Ricardo Lopez.
This guy.

Speaker 1 So this guy. So scary.
I know. So he went to a fucking.
I'm not going to say it. But that doesn't.
What is he? That doesn't not look like Goop.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, that doesn't look like you. That doesn't look like you.
No. So he's.

Speaker 1 This is how scary this guy. So check this out.
He goes to a fucking, you know, a bookstore and he goes to like the magazine section and he sees that Bjork is in a photo with a black guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. Wait, wait, who's Bjork?

Speaker 1 You don't know Bjork is? See the girl right there touching her mouth. She was a singer.
She's still a singer. She whispers.
She's very talented. Yeah, yeah.
So Bjork took a photo with a black guy.

Speaker 1 So then this Mexican guy from Florida, the guy to the point, because that's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life, right? He goes, oh, nah.

Speaker 1 You know, and he says the N-word a couple of times. Yeah.
And it's like, you're, you're going to die. So you know what he did? This is unbelievable.
This story. So he decides to create a book.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So he's going to go, I'm going to pretend I'm like some sort of like literary company and I'm going to propose Bjork with an idea of like a pop-up book, an interactive book where you can press buttons and stuff.

Speaker 1 That's right. And in one of the buttons, a needle comes out with hiv

Speaker 1 what this this was his plan that was his plan oh plan yeah but he didn't figure out how to get i don't know how you get hiv you know what i mean i think that was a problem i think they sell it at ralph

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah yeah but like that and then he he killed himself yeah which

Speaker 1 via the phone yeah yeah yeah you can tell right there yeah no but he he was a lunatic lunatic who who put this on he put this on video which was the craziest part his youtube videos are still his monologues is still online is still online and we'll i will not support that don't no we're not gonna watch it but discuss it if you're at home yeah you can watch it you can watch it at home yeah yeah yeah but it would this was like this was a big big deal it was like a big turning point because it's not like we hadn't had weird stalkers do crazy in the past yeah you know we have but this was something different there was like a breaking point do you remember how it was like such a creepy it was

Speaker 1 creepy and scary scary yeah for the first time it was scary instead of just gross that there i'm imagine Imagine you're living your life. You're singing.
You're doing shows. Mama.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mama, my mama, mama.
Meanwhile, before I...

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 My Japanese. No, I mean, I'm sorry.
You're my Japanese. April, fuck.
I'm going to. There it is.
Yeah, yeah. Get some AIDS over here, you know.
Mix it with this, put a button inside.

Speaker 1 He has a grocery store checklist. He's like, book, you don't want

Speaker 1 AIDS, got it. Needle, got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that scary? That, like, there are things going on in the world. You don't stalk.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Do you know where you're, where, like, these people live?

Speaker 1 That's their business, but I know when they're on tour. Oh, do you know? And she's not on the tour.
Do you know where Miley Cyrus lives?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I lived close by.

Speaker 1 You know where she lives specifically?

Speaker 1 Not in any more.

Speaker 1 Goo. What you did.
Goof. What? Don't, don't, don't.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You don't. I don't know.
Don't implicate yourself. And if you did, you would forget.
You wouldn't do anything. No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Have you ever made fan art and delivered it to someone personally? I promise you, that's exactly what... Well, okay.
Yeah, actually, that's what we did. It was funny.

Speaker 1 Like you delivered to their home? Yeah. Well, my brother kept bringing home people, and I'm like, what am I supposed to talk about with these people? I was much younger.

Speaker 1 So I brought out my crayons and my construction paper, and we all made cards for Miley Cyrus. And one of them was ESL.
So he wrote, I love you, Montana.

Speaker 1 So, you know, we had a few drinks, and then we dropped off the cards.

Speaker 1 How old were you? You had drinks in your coloring. Oh, it was.
I was underage drinking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but how old are you?

Speaker 1 Probably 20. 20.
And you went to her house?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 It sounds like it sounds like. Oh, it was spun.
It was like a little prank thing. Yeah.
You think she was pranked? Yeah, she got three cards. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I imagine. Yeah.
She's like, ah, call the cops. No, he's like, you got me.
You drew a broccoli from my leg. No, that's fine.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 Also, funny drawings.

Speaker 1 I know it was innocent. We're just kidding.
I know.

Speaker 1 You come from a good place. Yeah.
A really good place. So when you do get deported, Rudy,

Speaker 1 do you think you'll miss us?

Speaker 2 I think I'll miss you guys. I don't want to be deported.

Speaker 1 I don't want it either, but. Can I be honest with you?

Speaker 2 You think I'm going to get deported?

Speaker 1 Yes, but can I be honest with you?

Speaker 1 Are you going to go quietly? No. No,

Speaker 1 put up a fight. Yeah.
Good. Rip everything.
I, I, um,

Speaker 2 don't, don't say it out loud because it's gonna happen.

Speaker 1 No, I'm gonna tell you how I feel, fuckface. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You came, what, junior year in high school?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You lived in my house.

Speaker 1 And I saw you go through it. The trials and tribulations of life.
Yeah. And I honestly, I know I sometimes I go, dad's here when I call.
Yeah, I know you're not. I'm not your dad.
You know?

Speaker 1 But it feels like it.

Speaker 1 There's parts of me that do feel like it, that I did something to help you. I helped a lot.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 you'll never be able to repay me, but

Speaker 1 there's no way. You don't know that.
Maybe.

Speaker 1 She's on to something. But it breaks.
If you were not let back in, it would break my fucking heart.

Speaker 1 And that's why we have, as a bad friends company, seven Nekkies, whoever needs to get involved, we have to write letters to the government. I don't want to.
I know, please. I don't want to.

Speaker 1 Not for us. Oh, we'll make them do it? Yeah.
Yes, we will have someone at the company write letters to the government. Yeah.
It'll, it'll,

Speaker 1 honestly, your honest opinion. Cool, you know.
No, but no, I want you. I want to hear it out of your mouth.
Look at her in the, look her in the eyes and tell you how you feel about her.

Speaker 1 How about this? Yeah. How about this? Do you know that I would do it for you? I think so.
Yes. Do what? Anything, whatever she wants.
Anything she asked me, I would do it. She knows that.

Speaker 1 When I call her sometimes and she goes, Tito Andrew, it's always a question mark. Me too.
Because she's always nervous. Why are you calling? Yeah.
Because I should be texting.

Speaker 1 So you have his number saved.

Speaker 2 And he greets me. Happy birthday, man.
I do.

Speaker 1 Okay, I do. And when I call you and we talk, you know that if you asked me for anything, would I give it to you or get it for you? I think so.
Yeah, I would. Same here.
I know. I'm just.

Speaker 1 You wanted me to fucking speak my piece. I told you.

Speaker 1 I'm just. There's no one in this studio that I wouldn't do everything for other than McCone.
Yeah, me too. Other than McCone? I fired you yesterday, dude.
What are you still doing here?

Speaker 1 People do hate that your head is behind their heads. I have heard this, that people go, what is that fucking guy's head lingering behind the heads? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Carlos fancy keeps him close. And Carlos, by the way, we should give a little bit of credit if we're going to bounce around the bad family room.

Speaker 1 is sober now for over a month.

Speaker 1 Over a month. Very good.
Look better. Thank you, bro.
Yeah, yeah. You know what it is? Honestly, beyond look better, I can tell that you're functioning at a higher level now.

Speaker 1 I can feel you feel better about stuff. When we text at night and stuff, I can feel you're more like,

Speaker 1 what's the word? You're just more like involved and aware. I also texted you.
What did I text you? Give me cigarettes? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Not today. Not today.

Speaker 1 No, yeah. Not today.
Not today.

Speaker 1 Last week.

Speaker 1 What did I say? You're doing great. But we're proud of you.
Thank you, man. We're proud of all of our bad friends, and we mean that.

Speaker 1 And we don't want you to get deported, and we want you to stay around the goop for a long time.

Speaker 1 We're proud of all of them. And fancy,

Speaker 1 we'll talk about it later. Yeah.

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Speaker 1 March 1st and 2nd, I'm in Phoenix. I'm probably not going to be able to do that one.
What's going on in Phoenix? I'm doing stand-up live. With who? I'm just going to headline.

Speaker 1 So you're going out to do weekends again? Just one.

Speaker 1 I'm not jealous. I'm just interested.
Is this because we're prepping for something?

Speaker 1 No, I just... Can I be honest with you? Well, that's what we're here for.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It wasn't even me wanting to do it. Well, then you could say no.
No, but I know, but it's like, you know who I'm talking about. Don't say her name.
Yeah. Right? She was insisting that you do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm like,

Speaker 1 okay. I did it for her.
I get it. Okay.

Speaker 1 That being said, I will announce that I'm putting together 10 club dates because I'm working on my hour. Good.
So I'm going to be going out. Where do you want to go? I've already got it.

Speaker 1 We already have them. Where? I'm not locked into all of them.
You're doing clubs. I'm doing clubs.
I'm doing clubs Friday, two, Friday, two Saturday shows to work out my hour.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Got a good amount of time.
That's great. But are you going to film it?

Speaker 1 I'd like to. Don't be that guy.
What's that guy? Arrogant. What you just said was arrogant.
No, I just said, are you going to film it? No, I don't have that. Did that seem like a guy?

Speaker 1 You know, I don't have the technology or the equipment to do that.

Speaker 1 All right, so don't be that guy right now. You don't have to record it.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 What? You can just have someone record. Do you see what you're doing here? I'm asking you a simple question.
Are you going to be filming an hour at the end of this run? I'm doing one weekend.

Speaker 1 I thought you were going to start doing shows on your own. Yeah, I got one weekend.
Yeah, you have one in the books now. That's it.
The short run. The short run.

Speaker 1 That is equivalent to the amount of running you would actually do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A little quick jaunt.
You know, the honest truth is, I prefer staying in town. I like doing his shows.
I like being around my friends. I like being in town.
I like being in town. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 Is Goop also a comedian?

Speaker 1 He used to be. He was, and he's going to get back into it at any moment.
We can feel it. Because you got to get ready for Long Beach.
I can't. I will die.
I barely made it to here. Buddy.
No.

Speaker 1 You have to do it. You're going to inflict it.
You're going up on stage at Long Beach. No.
It's not even that big of a deal. It's like 5,000 people.

Speaker 1 5,000 people. That's it.
It's like a baby. It's way less than 800 people.
You're doing it too. You know that, right? Huh?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're coming out.
You're coming out. I can't do that one, please.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.
I can't, I can't. Why?

Speaker 1 Why can't you do it?

Speaker 1 Why can't you do it? Because I'm one of these away from a heart attack. No, you're not.
You're fighting. I ain't up here.
No. Stop living in fear.
No. Bad friends has no room for fear.

Speaker 1 It's next week. It's next week.
We have plenty of time. Plenty of time.
I literally almost died today, and I'm going to die tomorrow, too. You're not going to die.
I'm going to die. I promise.

Speaker 1 You don't have a choice. Literally, anyone absolutely don't have more time.
I need time. Don't ever call us again.
I need time.

Speaker 2 Can I share a video too?

Speaker 1 Yeah, please.

Speaker 1 This is something I want you to be a

Speaker 1 texted to me.

Speaker 1 Rudy texted to Carlos. This is something I want your judgment on, Bobby, because you're somebody that is into fighting.
You love professional fighting. I love fighting.

Speaker 1 And I want you to take a look at this fight here and tell me if this is a fair fight. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So far, pretty good.

Speaker 1 Pretty good fight. Pretty good fight so far.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's mostly kicks, which is strange. No one's thrown a punch.

Speaker 1 Not one punch has been thrown. No shoulder shot.
You can do a shoulder shot. Yeah.
No arm barring going on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 No takedowns. I think takedowns, they'd have to pause it.
Yeah. If you're just listening, we're watching a video of two men fight without any arms in the cage.

Speaker 1 And it is. Pretty remarkable.
It's remarkable. And pretty good kicks going in.
No head kicks, though. Yeah.
Now, do you think you need an arm to get all the way up to? And

Speaker 1 wait, look who won. Look at this, ready? And the winner is

Speaker 1 get your arms up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I like to see? You know what I like to see? The two-leg guy fight. You know what I mean? A two-arm guy.

Speaker 1 I would rather see a fight with two guys without legs. It would be way doper to me.
But can you, yeah, that'd be cool. Just two guys, just big arms, no legs.
Yeah. Just going at it.
Yeah. Stumptown.

Speaker 1 What's this video that you sent?

Speaker 1 what is this let's see what this is yeah bobby you're in the australian news we made the australian news oh wow no i'm in it yeah you sent this i sent it no let's see let's see it bobby lee who gets an instant reality checked when he claims that korea didn't oppress people or have slavery

Speaker 1 but some societies like koreans when they might have a god complex but they don't have a history of oppression oppressing another group of people

Speaker 1 each other right are you out of your mind What the f?

Speaker 1 You don't think Asians had

Speaker 1 they didn't have Koreans. Koreans didn't have slaves.
We didn't fly. Did Koreans have slaves? Yeah, Google that.
Yeah, because I think that's wrong. Docs laugh.
Somebody built them pyramids.

Speaker 1 It wasn't just somebody like pyramids. Korea had the longest chain of chain of slavery.

Speaker 1 Korea had the longest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history, spanning 1,500 years.

Speaker 1 That's not what it says. Two minutes.
My eyes are blurry.

Speaker 1 I want to read it all right. Read it out loud, you see.
I want to speak.

Speaker 1 Get close. All right.
Korea had the longest unbroken machine of slavery of any society in history.

Speaker 1 You guys are

Speaker 1 scumbags.

Speaker 2 I just love that. He is not a lefty, by the way.
I'm not sure where he is on the political spectrum, but that was hilarious.

Speaker 1 Now to a lefty losing it in lefty heartland this is weird is this this this is sky news yeah it's not like fox new it's like sky news but she's doing lefty's

Speaker 1 lefty commentator a righty righty commentator she must be but sky news i thought was one of these kind of apolitical news thing right we made it onto the news in australia i know incredible fucking rap yeah wait till we go down there and play those shows maybe we'll make the news again mate yeah and you made her laugh look at you she was laughing yeah she's laughing at you guess what yeah I make a lot of people laugh.

Speaker 1 That's right, Coop. That's right, Coop.
We make a lot of people laugh. What's this, Rudy? And guess what? Next week in Long Beach?

Speaker 1 We're going to make a lot of people. A lot of people laugh.
That's whether you like it or not. That's way too silly.
Oh, God, Rudy, what is this? Is this a real balut? Is this balut?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my.
Oh, my God. God.
I'm actually going to throw up because I can smell it from here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What is it playing with? It's brother?

Speaker 1 Is that another one in there?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, that's

Speaker 1 so you'll just eat that. Yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Turn it off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I've been craving that.

Speaker 1 That's why we'll deport you. You're deported.
You're getting deported. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good thing. You're 100% getting deported.

Speaker 2 Wait, can I share also my other

Speaker 2 craving? It's like this dried fish, but how they do it is they ferment it as long as possible until you get worms out of it.

Speaker 1 Until it gets infected?

Speaker 2 Well, they say once you have the worms, it's like it takes out all the bacteria.

Speaker 1 So it's maggots.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maggots.

Speaker 2 And then you take out all the maggots and then you eat it and you put tomato sauce and everything.

Speaker 1 You need the tomato sauce. Yeah.
You definitely need the tomato sauce. Is it lapu lapu? It's lapu laundu.
No, no, no. It's called uh tinabal.
Yeah, but you have to spell that.

Speaker 2 T-T-I-N-A-B-A-L.

Speaker 1 Tinabal.

Speaker 2 But it smells like pussy.

Speaker 2 Like bad pussy.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay.
But it's.

Speaker 1 Zoom on. Zoom in.

Speaker 1 So those aren't worms on top of. That's probably something.
So they take it out. Oh, they take it out.
So this is post-maggot removal. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. It looks okay.
No, it does not.

Speaker 1 No, it does not. It doesn't

Speaker 1 look good.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 That's what I've been craving, too.

Speaker 1 So you really miss that and Balut a lot.

Speaker 1 Tenabal. When you get back there, are those your first two meals? Yeah.
Yeah. That's so funny.
That's like I go back to Chicago and I just want Italian beef and she goes back, she gets maggot for it.

Speaker 1 Bro, bro, that Italian beef. Remember, you gave me that? The best, dude.
You changed. Dude, you know what? Can I say something? Yeah.
You've changed my life in so many different ways.

Speaker 1 You've changed my life in so many ways. No, but in terms of like foods, same.
I'll tell you what. That Italian beef.
Give you another one. Give me another one that you've inspired me.

Speaker 1 Well, you tell me. I don't know.
The eggs with the fucking baked beans. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Hello. I know.
Goodbye. Hello, and come on back.
Yeah. I'm all on.
I love it. I love it too.
You and me. You've introduced me to do new dishes in Korean barbecue that I've never had before.

Speaker 1 And you've introduced me to music, Warren Zivon. Yeah.
Yeah. Hello.
Hello. Goodbye.
Goodbye. And come back.

Speaker 1 No, not coming back. Yeah, yeah.
Coming back. What else, dude? You've given me.
We've influenced each other in a wonderful, beautiful way. I love you so much, man.
You're my best friend.

Speaker 1 I really do love you so much. I love you more than I love anybody.

Speaker 1 And I mean that. And I'm saying.
I'm doing the podcast with Adam Egot. Fuck.

Speaker 1 I knew this was leading up to. I'm not, not.
I knew it was baiting. I'm not.
No, but you really have, you know. You changed my life.
Who's changed your life, Goop?

Speaker 1 Not Miley Cyrus, but in terms of like somebody in your life. I think he was going to say Miley Cyrus.
I know he was. That was very good.

Speaker 1 So is there anybody in your life where you go, wow, that guy really, if I didn't meet that guy in the right time? A guy or girl changed my life. Changed your life.
I like my brother. Okay.

Speaker 1 Did your brother change your life? Yeah. What has he done for you that really stood out?

Speaker 1 He pushed me to go into improv and learn how to play nice

Speaker 1 with white people. And then that was the first step.
And then I took Samsung. You got to play nice with the white people.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's where I learned. Yes.
And actually, I failed improv.

Speaker 1 They made me take it again. I took one-on-one twice.

Speaker 1 Luca, what I got here. I'm Beyonce.

Speaker 1 What is this?

Speaker 1 That's a baby. That's a MRI.
It's an ultrasound. Ultra sound.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, the improv paid off.
Yeah. That's for sure.

Speaker 1 M. R.
I.

Speaker 1 But no, that was very nice.

Speaker 1 M. R.
I. Gooped.
You say whites as if you don't appear to be a little white.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you look white, goop.

Speaker 1 What? Thank you.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm. It's not a compliment.
Yeah, but I'll take anything as a compliment. Okay.

Speaker 1 It's funny, that day that you did the podcast, you also sent me a photo, did you not? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that the goop dog? That's the goop. Okay, so by this photo, we can tell you're not 27.
How? That van is from the fucking

Speaker 1 late 80s, early 90s. Yep.

Speaker 1 This is really good. Zoom in on the license plate.
I want to see the registration year. Oh,

Speaker 1 you know what that is? What does it say? I know what that says. 84.
84.

Speaker 1 So you were born in, what is it, 78 or 70? How old is he here? He's probably, how old are you here?

Speaker 1 Probably two.

Speaker 1 He's about six years old there. No,

Speaker 1 I'm practically standing. Five, five, five.

Speaker 1 He's three or four. Three or four.
Yeah, give or take. So 84.
In 1980, you were born.

Speaker 1 What a cute baby, man.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. Still a cute guy, Greg.
Cute guy. But now we found out you were born in 1980.
Is that, I'm trying to figure out if you guys think I'm younger or older than I am.

Speaker 1 I'm still doing the math. You're 43.
Yeah, you're 43. No, oh my god.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm getting the shit end of the stick. It's so funny.
I want to show you. What is it?

Speaker 1 I want you to watch this. So, this is a guy named Charleston White, who is maybe one of the most

Speaker 1 prolific

Speaker 1 comedic internet personalities I think I've ever seen in my life. And the guy, unless, of course, is Cam Newton, who's a football player.

Speaker 1 Let's hear what he's got to say.

Speaker 1 I have a list of names to describe each person using the first word that comes to mind: Will Smith, Gay,

Speaker 1 Jada Pickett Smith,

Speaker 1 fucked up, bitch.

Speaker 1 How would you approach a woman like Britney?

Speaker 1 You gotta handle her rough.

Speaker 1 You gotta be a dominant man to deal with Britney. Brittany Renner.
When you say rough, you're not talking about domestic violence, bro. Yeah, yeah, domestic.

Speaker 1 Where you at?

Speaker 1 Closet. Did you take me down? So, what do you think about Charleston's answers there? Is every relation need someone? One of the two people needs to get they ass ass whooped?

Speaker 1 Is this Kat Williams's nephew?

Speaker 1 No, this is Charleston White, baby. He is his own entity.
Do you think in a relationship there needs to be one person needs to get they ass whooped?

Speaker 1 How do you feel?

Speaker 1 How do you feel, Goop?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, no. Not in a relationship that's willing.
If you guys are in it, were you ever hit as a kid?

Speaker 1 I'll answer that.

Speaker 1 Please,

Speaker 1 Goop, were you struck as a child?

Speaker 1 Did your dad hit you?

Speaker 1 To be continued. Which is the camera? They're all the

Speaker 1 cameras. Okay.
Oh, you were? To be continued. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Actually, that's a bad place to be continued. No.
Never were hit.

Speaker 1 Not nev. No, no.
I mean, like, they weren't, like, you know, abusive at all. But they hit you.

Speaker 1 No, I had a different growing up situation because, you know, anytime they were sick of one of the kids, you know, like, like I mentioned before, like, I had like three aunts and a grandmother living in one, four apartments and then the house in the back.

Speaker 1 So they could just, you know, anytime they're sick of you. They just push you another apartment.
Yeah, they play a game. It's, it's called, it translates loosely.

Speaker 1 The mother or whoever's sick of you will send you to someone else's house and they ask, do you have it? It's called Dut Brachma. Dutch brachma.
Yeah, which means hold this child and do not let him go.

Speaker 1 And that's how they would get little breaks from us.

Speaker 1 So then they would just pretend to look for things and then just keep us occupied. But they wouldn't hit us.
That's the way it started up. I wouldn't play Duke Brachma.

Speaker 1 What you want to play Duke Brachma?

Speaker 1 Like if you had a baby with your wife, you can Duke Brachma and me.

Speaker 1 You are the baby to you.

Speaker 1 You send him over to Bobby's. Do you think I would give you the baby to watch for a while just because? No, I just thought I could do your house.

Speaker 1 no okay no no no i'm not doing we're not gonna play then this duke

Speaker 1 it's a fun game this is emotional sabotage yeah yeah yeah it's terrible duke brackma is bad it's bad that's what i meant it sounds like a torture technique no you just basically look at cabinets forever and wait for for them to find an imaginary thing and then when enough time

Speaker 1 has passed then they grab any random thing in the house say oh i found it and then they send you back off to your parents did you have an imaginary friend i did what's the imagination out of spite We talked about that, right?

Speaker 1 Didn't we? Did we talk about that? Shucky Rat? Oh, no, no, she's not imaginary. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's real. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I did have an imaginary friend, and I think that it was basically out of span for one day because my parents had enough. Because I cried because they sat on her and they said, this is too much.

Speaker 1 But I. Your parents sat on your imaginary friend? Yeah, I just made a whole big thing.

Speaker 1 That's abuse.

Speaker 1 Your parents are pretty abusive at times. Yeah.
Emotionally. Emotionally.
That's abuse. What did your imaginary friend look like? It was a girl.
I was mad that day. I think I made her on purpose.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Human, though? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know any other kinds.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No, but he means like, what did she look like? Yeah, did she have like a little horn?

Speaker 1 I mean, as an imaginary friend, you could make pretty much. We only spent a day together.
I wishing.

Speaker 1 You don't remember her that well. Yeah.
Not that good of a friend then, huh?

Speaker 1 Not a great friend. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Imaginary acquaintance. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, where was your favorite hiding spot when you were a kid? I would hide.

Speaker 2 Well, I I would hide because I would have to poo, but I didn't want to poo.

Speaker 2 So I would hide behind a tree and then just like poo there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
That's where you went to the bathroom. That's not hoof.

Speaker 1 I guess I regret

Speaker 1 asked you.

Speaker 2 That's my hiding spot.

Speaker 1 That's where you pooed.

Speaker 1 You don't hide where you poo.

Speaker 2 That's what they kept saying to me. That's the old friend.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You don't shit where you sleep, but you hide where you poo.

Speaker 1 I think that's a great hiding spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rudy. Can I open my present? Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who gave you you a present? The goop.

Speaker 1 The goop brought fancy a present, but not the two guys that put you on the show.

Speaker 1 Well, technically, I book him.

Speaker 1 Speaking of the mic, first of all, technically, I book him. Technically,

Speaker 1 you arrange his arrival. Right.
We made the choice to put him on the show. Sure.

Speaker 1 So that gift is ours, whatever it is.

Speaker 1 You know what now? We get an extra hundred. Oh, okay.
On your shows.

Speaker 1 Happy to discuss. Yes.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 That is actually it. That's it.
No, that's more of.

Speaker 1 What is it? What's the gift that you were given? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I did it. It's OJ's book.
That's very sweet. Right? Professions of a killer.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We know.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, that was for what he said at the end of the last podcast.
What do you say? Well, because we blamed him for killing his whole family. Yeah.
But you really didn't kill your family. No.
No.

Speaker 1 No. Okay.
No.

Speaker 1 You don't have a violent streak in you do you no no have you ever killed anything not even a not a bug spider well i see i i won't kill it but i i kind of if i there is a bug that i don't want there then like what happens i have to tell someone else to do it you say come kill this please yeah but you live alone so who's gonna come kill it now well my dad used to live up there so now i have no idea i'm gonna have to be a maybe his ghost

Speaker 1 i hope so oh your dad's ghost who you believe in google you believe in ghosts right i try not to. I think I have enough to believe in, honestly.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would watch a show called Goop's Ghosts where he's a ghost hunter. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It'd be amazing. You'd have to quietly eat chips while you're hunting, though.
You don't want to scare the ghosts.

Speaker 1 They'll find me for sure. Put the chips down, maybe.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's been an hour of it. It's an hour of you holding that.
Yeah. So, Goop, you know what you're in for.
You're coming to Long Beach and you're doing this show. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and tell everyone thanks for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Smile. Smile.

Speaker 1 You're the one that's getting naked. That's what I'm saying.
You're getting naked too. That's what it picks up.
Oh my god, you guys are both. No, you're getting naked.
No, it said you too.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 You're naked. No, you're naked too, Joe.

Speaker 1 It says both. We fucking been killed.
You're rolling out.