Taste Our Rainbow

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Sacra.

Sacramento?

Sacramento, California.

We're on tour and we've got a couple days left Sacramento, California Long Beach Windsor, Ontario No, Windsor, Ontario Canada Then where else in Canada? Niagara And then Tucson, Arizona And where do we finish the tour? Vegas can't wait for that one. Badfriendspod.com is where you're going to get those tickets.

Badfriendspod.com.

We also have badfriendsmerch.com.

And also, exclusive content.

McHoney, Boney McHoney is up there putting a bunch of stuff up from the tour.

You also have bonus content available on the Patreon.

Go to patreon.com.

Congratulations to everyone involved.

Congratulations.

Good to see you.

Go to badfriendspod.com.

Thank you. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends before we begin i want to say this okay okay me and andrew had many discussions about this all right and we just thought when your name came up, to do what? Home Run.

Not Home Run.

We laughed for four hours straight.

Just the thought of you makes us laugh.

So I just wrote this song for you.

Oh, yeah.

La, la, la.

Craig, I go up.

I like your eyebrows.

One is thicker than the other one. You one, which is weird.
No. Yeah.
Really? No. Okay.
Rosy cheeks. He's got rosy cheeks.
I got rosacea. Hurley hair.
What? Yeah. No, just let us finish.
No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let us finish. Do you have rosacea? What's rosacea? I get red.
I guess I ate something spicy once, and between that and this dress up horribly funny, I just turned red for like three months straight. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Your whole body or just your face? Just my face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ate something spicy once.
Yeah. Impossible.
That's impossible. Yeah, yeah.
So you ate salsa one time? Well, it was like Mexican salsa from like a- Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Jesus Christ. Carnia, carnia, carnia.
No, we have Mexicans here. Whoa, two.
Do you want to introduce him and tell the fans who he is? Oh, yeah, so let me do a little history. Yeah, do a little bit of a history.
I don't know how he got my number. I don't know how that- Stop.
I know. Stop.
Amazing. God, your cheeks, dude, I just want to grab them.
I want to grab them aggressively, right? And I just want to go, on your face. I really do.
So anyway, um, go ahead. So, um, dude, did you steal those from Santa? Those cheeks? Dude, those are so rosy.
He stole them from Santa. Santa Holy shit Have you seen the photos of Santa?

Say ho ho ho real fast Ho ho ho No that's not Santa I will tip over if you make me laugh I realize Alright stop I'm not done with the intro Thank you so much for doing this by the way I love you so much But my point is this I don't know how you got my number But you know years ago you started calling me to do your shows He does a show called Horribly funny it's a wonderful show it's a wonderful show it's probably the best bring a room is that it's not a bring no um promoted show outside booker so in la right we have about four or five guys that are outside promoters and they have their um well they use the same people let's be honest yeah they do yeah it's you and me yeah i know yeah and then yeah and then you always get arsenio but that's it he gets arsenio all the time right and then um who hasn't aged like he looks the same as he did when you did he really does it's a little creepy how young he looks young anyway he's the best promoter but every time we're backstage and i look at you're you're always in a puddle of sweat. Yeah.
You're just a bundle of nerves and you don't know how to relax. Yeah, yeah.
And I asked you questions back there. You make him so nervous.
I know. What, do you make him nervous? No.
Who makes you more nervous, me or Andrew? Bobby, there's no one that makes me more nervous than you back there. Andrew shows up 15 minutes early.

He's peaceful and just doesn't.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're great.

He's peaceful?

It's like he's meditating.

Oh, so he's like namaste.

Yeah.

Right?

And I'm chaos.

And I had to wrestle Orny Adams so that he doesn't go on stage because he didn't want

him watching you.

Wait, wait a minute.

Orny Adams didn't want to watch Bobby? No. Bobby didn't want Ornie Adams to watch him oh right yeah yeah you know why why he's judgy oh and I don't like judgy oh oh you don't want him to see your material then say something no I just don't want him to be there I love him as a human oh right I just don't want him to watch no watch to you does.
Does he want to watch you? What does he care about watching you? He likes to watch me. And I say no.
But anyway, so out of all the comics you hire, I'm the one that stresses it the most. Is it because I'm the only one that really asks you questions about life? Well, that too.
But honestly, you also make me the most happy. Like whenever I text and you actually respond, I get the zoomies.
Like a dog. Yeah.
I don't know what to do with myself. You run around.
It's like the part in Black Swan where I just hold my phone against my chest and drop to my knees. You know.
It seems. Is that the right movie? It seems sexual.
No, no, no. You're not sexually attractive.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, what do you mean no, no, no? Too many names.
No, okay. Not at all.
Like he's not attractive at all? No, he's very attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. But I'm not your type.
No, it's not that. It's just I'm very grateful and lucky to be working with you.
You're worth every text. You know, I text you so many times to get a response.
And I just. Hear that, Andre? I'm worth every text.
Yeah. Every non-response when you finally do respond.
Yeah. Oh.
I was getting a little personal. We have different experiences with that.
I'm going to put that on your tombstone. Worth every text.
I am really worth every text. Yeah.
Yeah, you know that. I don't know.
Yeah, you do. I don't know.
know don't act shy and call i'm prompt yeah i'm on time i'm always nice i always say hey thank you and then i leave immediately after my set i get out of the green room i don't take any air you take a lot of air may i yeah that sounds like i'm late never never what the fuck well it it's... I'm always early is what he's saying.

I know, but am I...

You're always early too.

But it's getting you there.

It's getting you there.

Getting me there?

What do you mean?

How many times has he canceled?

How many times has he canceled?

On me, believe it or not, zero.

Wow.

You think it's you?

Who's canceled more, him or me?

No.

He has.

No, it was an accident, but it was... Oh, but...
Stop? Yes. But he has.
I've never canceled. He just said it was an accident but it was oh but stop yes but he has i've never canceled he just said it was an accident no no he said it was like a miscommunication of booking one doesn't matter no i've never canceled no he hasn't canceled i've never but he but he had he had been booked and he didn't be he wasn't there no that's not true i knew early and and i i i You did it.
Subbed me out.

You did it.

Yeah.

Say your name properly.

It's Greg Agop.

Agop?

I call you a goop.

We call you the goop over here.

The goop over here.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, your new name for this show is the goop.

The goop dog.

I think it's the goop dog.

Well, you're a goop.

You're a goop over here.

I love dogs.

You assume he's like a dog.

I love dogs.

One day I will be able to take care of one, but for now I'm just taking care of me, which is hard. What do you mean? What do you mean? It takes a lot to take care of me.
Greg, he has fucking a thousand animals. He can take care of animals.
You're fine. You can.
My for you page is all puppies and Bobby Lee. What? Is that on your dating profile as well? Do you say that to people? My my fyp is bobby lee and puppies they're they're the things that make i think not just me but lots of people very happy i agree i look both these things are wonderful stop kissing his ass it's enough i've had enough okay so how about this then okay okay what are you i'm ethnicity one lebanese and no okay my mom what why is that your mom's i've always wanted i never know i don't know okay i don't know either but like yeah you do know yeah i do know okay so why'd you say that okay i my mother is leban it was born in lebanon my father okay was born in syria They lived in Lebanon.

I'm Armenian.

So I'm just as lost as you are.

Wait, you're Armenian.

Your mother's Syrian and Lebanese.

That's what you are.

You're Syrian and Lebanese.

Yeah.

Can I ask a question?

It's serious question.

I feel like if you were raised in that area and you were still there,

that you maybe wouldn't have survived.

No.

No, I'm too bougie for that.

No, I just think something would have happened. Yeah.
I feel like they would have got you. They would have got you.
You would open up a paper bag on the side of the road, something would have happened. Something would have got you.
Boom. I didn't say that.
Yeah. No, honestly, yeah, I'm glad I'm not there.
You love kebabs. I'm glad I'm not anywhere.
I feel like you like a kebab. I'm a vegetarian.
Are you just a sleeper agent?

Are you a sleeper agent?

When you do zingers, you gotta come clean.

You gotta come clean with them, dude. Say it clean.

Yeah.

You can't stumble on,

you have to say,

are you a sleeper agent?

Or give it to Carlos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give it to him.

Write it down and then give it to him.

Anyway.

Wait a minute, you're a vegetarian.

Yeah.

Are you single?

Single vegetarian? Can I just say that? I don't even mean. Are you a single vegetarian? I stopped eating meat because of Miley Cyrus.
All right. Why? I want to say something.
Did she say? Hold on. Did she tell you not to eat meat anymore? Well, I was really high at a Miley Cyrus concert twice.
And she just said, we need to stop eating our friends. And I'm like.
When? Once in New city okay at terminal five and then at the woltern theater in la and then i just replaced i replaced all the meat for cheese and then i like gained 60 pounds goop dog i went from not eating bread to just eating bread yeah and yeah i'm you went from meat to cheese and you gained 60 pounds yeah in what span of time uh probably two years oh that's not that bad okay yeah then i just keep going so how long you've been a vegetarian since 2015 right so can i just ask you something and i don't want to be mean you know i don't want i don't want to do it ask ask you must eat a lot No, I don't eat any vegetables. I love chips.
I love chippy. Oh, I see.

That's what chips are. I don't want to do it.
Ask. Ask.
Ask. You must eat a lot of vegetables.
No, I don't eat any vegetables.

I love chips.

I love chippy.

Oh, I see.

That's what chippy is.

So you're a vegetarian.

No vegetables at all.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because I thought I heard a bag of Doritos.

Oh, but that's vegetarian.

You're more of a carbitarian.

Yeah.

I literally, I buy the vegetables. You're a carbitarian.
Dude dude this is so good that's best like you're a carbitarian yeah yeah and that's okay yeah because you're not eating meat and i and i agree with this by the way i understand this because meat meat can affect people very negatively it gives people cancer yeah i eat meat but i'm trying to cut down on bad boy meat like hamburgers bad boy Red meat, bad boy meat. I'm trying to eat fish and chicken.
I thought you were going to say fish and chips. I'm not eating.
You can have my chips. I'll just eat the fish.
So you don't eat fish either? I can't touch it. I can't cook it.
But I'm open to it more because you can't pet fish. But like cows are so dumb.
You know? You could pet a fish if you caught it. If you caught a fish, you can pet it.
You don't want to. Scaly.
I don't want to pet a fish. What about people that have a fish as pets? I actually don't.
Like, when they, there are places where you could pet starfish. That's gross.
That's gross. Pretty gross, yeah.
Okay, so I need to, hold on. Before we move forward, what is your, what is your meal day consist of? Because then if you don't eat vegetables and you don't want no meat no veggies where's protein coming from it can't be from doritos cheese i literally only has a limited amount of protein in it i literally if i could have chips for every meal they have every flavor in chips what was breakfast today today i was gonna die since like yesterday so like today i've had a bagel and i don't usually eat bagels but it has cinnamon and raisins in it so it's sweet so I like sugar give me one day of meals yesterday like breakfast, lunch, dinner I like eggs so you had eggs in the morning and I always Uber Eats or DoorDash I don't cook right here, right here every meal and I don't even feel bad anymore.
Like, I don't even look. And you know what?

I think it's more cost effective.

It is.

It really is because, like, I order groceries whenever, like, you know, once a month.

And I literally just throw them right away.

I have lots of vegetables in my fridge that I'm going to be throwing away in a week.

But, like, I won't even open it.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

So, in the morning you have eggs.

Just eggs.

Yeah.

And then what happens at lunch?

It's DoorDash time.

Or chips.

Oh. DoorDash time.
Yeah. It yeah it's you know there's lots of pizzas there's there's mexican food is easy to switch there's just you know what's your favorite dinner to have yeah it used to be barbecue but i do like barbecue sauce you could put barbecue sauce on salad and still still get the- So you're putting barbecue sauce on romaine lettuce?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

There's beyond chicken.

No.

Chicken Impossible?

That sounds like a TV show.

It is Chicken Impossible.

So do you know what you've ever had for dinner?

Do you know what you've ever had?

What have you had for dinner last night?

What was dinner?

Last night. Oh, I like- It's not what you like.
What did you have? Do you know what you did? Honestly, I've been like freaking out about today for. Oh, it's been a while.
Yeah. Like I just.
Well, let me say this. Let me cut you off.
Yeah. First of all, we love you to death.
I think you're a standup guy. You're so fun and you're very and you put together great shows, and you're great to work with.
You're responsive. You're smart.
You're sweet. You're cool.
You're the best outside promoter I've ever worked with. Outside of that, you're just a great guy.
Great guy. And I'm saying this.
I'm being genuine. We love you.
We have you on the show because we love you. Don't be nervous.
We just want to have fun with you. But we adore you.
You're such a wonderful human being. Your energy is – you know if someone says like you have an aura around you you have all the colors whoa you're the entire fucking rainbow there's some color missing huh there's some colors missing which ones i mean he's not aggressive well he's a color no black there's no black but there's no black on the rainbow oh right right that's yeah there's no you're the rain you're a fucking rainbow the rainbow colors you have of them.
You have all the rainbow. Thank you.
Yeah. Can you feel that in your soul? Because you're a good human being.
That's way too kind and way too overwhelming. I made it worse.
No. No.
I thought I was going to make it easier. No.
No. No.
No. No.
You know, one of my favorite things to do ever is have an edible and then I like to turn off the lights and then I like to eat sour Skittles in the dark with my eyes closed. And sometimes I suck too hard.
But I have tasted the rainbow and it's pretty awesome. But then you have to know when to stop because if not, you'll get cold sores in your mouth.
But that's my favorite thing to do. And anything could be playing in the background.
Wait. Taste the rainbow tonight.
But it has to be sour. So you get high, you eat Skittles, you get cold sores.
Yeah. If you don't stop.
Like, if you don't stop. This is you tasting the rainbow.
Yeah, it's amazing. So what do you mean don't stop? Just a regular bag of Skittles is not that many Skittles.
I but like first i started with the regular skittles which come in the mini bags and then i started eating the whole sour skittles and then one day i'm just like it's still early let's do a second bag of skittles and then i woke up the next morning and i couldn't move my mouth but it was too sore so like i couldn't even have water No one to stop How are you alive?

Taste the rainbow how do you live let's do the new phrase hey new phrase for skittles taste the rainbow know when to stop no one in moderation in moderation everything in moderation yeah so um do you do that nightly oh i um that no i had to stop because honestly like my mouth was gonna fall apart yeah yeah so now special special treats so can i how old are you oh i'm gonna stick with 27 because honestly people that's what i've been saying since i was 27 yeah yeah yeah and how how many years have you been saying it no 10 i'm 27 you're 27 yeah so you really don't want to tell us your real age wait why does it matter? I'm 40 Bob's 52 I could get away with like just more if I was younger what do you mean get away with? What do you look at me get away with? Have you committed crimes? No so what do you think you're getting away with? You're a young looking guy you You look healthy. You have nice skin, good hair.
Let me see your teeth.

Smile.

Has Skittles taken care of some of those?

Yeah.

Have you lost a few?

No.

Let me see.

Are you looking?

I don't smile with teeth.

Let me just show me.

No.

Show me your teeth.

Just show me teeth.

Feel like this.

No.

Why?

Why?

My dentist.

This is like me trying to get my child to brush their teeth at night.

Yeah.

No.

I can't.

This guy used to do stand up.

How long did you do stand up for?

Many years. Actually, I was freaking out so much today.
My brother sent me a video of me doing stand-up. I feel like that part of me has died.
But I thought I would hate it watching it, but I liked it a lot. Yeah.
I'm sure you were so funny. It was the work ethic that kind of i carried on into horribly funny yeah but your work ethic as a producer is incredible if you just did that as a how long did you do how many years you do comedy i started in in 2000 and uh i think uh 16 probably okay and then you went for how long a couple years yeah and then i probably i started horribly funny in 2017 at the lyric hyperion which you're you're at okay yeah uh yeah and then uh i and then uh did the lodge room and then when i finally got horribly funny into the comedy store full-time that's when i had to stop comedy because i was i burnt myself out how many years is that two Two? No, probably, um, probably, um, math.
Oh, I. 2016, 2017, 2018.
Which of these years did it start? One more. 2019.
Maybe one more. 2020.
Right before the pandemic? Yeah, probably that. So you did about four years of standup, give or take.
Yeah. Yeah, probably.
Yeah. Three to four years.
Okay. Is your family here in Los Angeles? Oh, no no they're literally all dead um but except my brothers like my like stop stop bro bro bro wait that was out of pocket stop it that's not funny carlos it was just the unexpected obviously they're dead yeah that's how i get to eat skittles and doorknob i'm literally you know so your family is still alive mom and dad are gone dad died last november this oh shit oh my sorry yeah and then how how how uh oh you you guys aren't gonna like it uh i guess it was a mixture between uh heart complications and covid and uh and something else i think was like another thing that was mixed into that.
Do you be a vegetarian too? No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna die soon too.
That's why like everyone- No, no, no, no, no. Every horribly- Don't say that.
I freak out too much though. Like- That's why I brought you onto the show, okay? Because we want to help you navigate we want you to relax and just have a different outlook and just approach things a little differently you're not going to die under you're not going to die under have you been to the doctor recently i could i could talk never actually i've gotten away with not going to you've never been i don't know if you're getting away with it no well here's the here's the thing.
When we were young, the doctor,

the family doctor said that our mother was sick

because we were fat.

And then,

Oh my God.

That's so fucked.

Was this a doctor here?

It was an Armenian doctor,

which is equivalent

to a dog doctor.

Right.

She's dead too.

She's dead too.

She's dead, yeah.

She's dead.

All right, so hold on.

Back it up.

Your father passed away

and we're very sorry

about that in November.

Were you close?

Bobby's dad is dead as well.

My dad died.

Were you guys close? You know, we could have been closer. Okay.
But yeah, basically, my upbringing was super weird. Family moved from, not weird.
It's not weird. They moved from Lebanon, and they just, we lived in, like, there was four apartments and a house.
So, like, my whole family kind of lived there, like 13 people. And slowly they, you know, started dying.
So like so like it almost looks like we did it on purpose or something. It's like nine of them are dead or 10 of them.
It's just me and my brothers and a cousin left. But like also before one of the horribly funnies, one of my aunts died in my arms.
And then I had to go, like, literally the same night to – and, like, it was – Theo Vaughn was on that night and Natasha Leggero and Moshe Kastner. I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, no. I was – It's insane.
Yeah. It's crazy.
I'm, like, lifting her head up. It's going back down.
Oh, so she died – literally died in your arms. Yeah.
How old was this woman? God knows how old anyone is. Probably it at Progressive.com.
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customers in good standing.

Wait a minute, Greg.

So, hold on.

Were you at her house?

We all lived...

Okay, so she calls you.

I think I'm dying.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, it was my brother calling.

I think she's dying.

Let's play it out.

Ring, ring.

Hello?

Sweetie?

Yeah? It's your aunt. Hello? I'm dying.
Okay, I'll be right there. Right.
So you go up there. I go down.
I'm leading. Oh, down.
So you still live up there now? It doesn't matter. Does it fucking matter? It kind of does because it could have fell down.
All right, all right. So.
Yeah. After it happened after it happened forget it anyway and then you walked into her place no luckily she wasn't feeling well so my brother said oh hey i'm gonna go for one minute can you keep an eye out on her until i get back we're gonna take her to the hospital and of course with my luck you know i'm like you know talking to her making her laugh and then like her head just fall down and then i'm like wake up or i'm gonna call 9-1-1 and hello and then i keep like bringing up her head and it keeps falling her down what and then wake up for a little call 9-1-1 so wait a minute wait a minute yeah so so is it the building does it has asbestos in it is everyone dying because of the building black mold is the building dangerous i don't know but you still live there i i live there now i live there alone we gotta get you out no i like it i have no no no you're out too much you live in a four a four floor department by yourself the whole no no i had to they wouldn't let me live in the house by myself so i moved to one of the apartments and you know who's they my brother okay so how many brothers do you have two and so your mother passed away how long ago oh she had ms so fuck wow yeah i don't remember so your mother passed away a long time ago your father probably 10 years yeah and and your are your brothers in you close yeah yeah okay so they're the ones that get you through.
Yeah. But did they think that you're the...
Next? Next? No, I mean, what I'm saying is, are your brothers worried about you? Yeah, but they also know that, like, you know, they're not going to be able to get me to, like, go on walks. Sometimes they trick me, like they tricked me into going to the park the other day.
How trick you skittles no coffee but i can't have coffee either i have to do decaf and you know why because of this because you know i had to yeah i you know i didn't want to because i didn't want to freak people out backstage with being nervous oh wait a minute but coffee makes you nervous yeah everything makes me nervous well how can we get you not? I guess, I don't know This is an invasive question, but I feel like we love you and we're getting closer Can you cum a little bit more? If you cum I'm on Lexapro You can't cum? No I've already asked some questions like that I mean, because I think maybe cumming will help me chill out I think you're asexual I'm just not interested in putting myself out there. But you like him mostly.
Yeah, I just don't like. I don't like that.
You know, I just don't want to be hurt. You don't want to be hurt.
You are a rock star. No, I'm not.
Yes. I'm comedian.
I'm I think like people ask like, you know, I have options as a promoter. half my job is to keep my pants on.
The other half is to book great shows with great comments. I don't think that's the first half.
I don't think so. I think the first half would be book a good show.
Yeah. Okay, book a good show, keep your pants on, and we're ready to go.
But I'm out of shape. I don't take care of myself.
I don't like compromise. It's a self-esteem issue.
Oh, that to start with. But also like when you do the math, I'm really, at the moment, I'm really happy alone.
Like I'm really happy. Like if I'm like at night, I sleep considering a dog and I'm just like, I just don't want anything breathing in the house, which sounds bad, but like I just don't want responsibility.
I don't want liability. You know, I don't like sharing things.
It's not going to work with me i think i've made myself too comfortable okay but as a 27 year old man oh now it's it's because we know it's a lie yeah do you ever masturbate uh i think you need to come greg i think you need to come and i I mean this. You're backed up.
You don't need to go out.

Look, you don't need to have.

You can be.

Being single, there's nothing wrong with living. I'm single, dude.

Yeah.

There's no one judging that.

But I'm saying like for your mental and physical health of your brain and body, you do need to come.

I think you need to come.

A little bit.

Once in a while.

No.

Like a doctor. Oh, no.
Wait, does it burn? No. When you come, does it burn? You don't enjoy it.
You don't like it. Okay.
Honestly, like- And that's, you know what? I take it all back. Yeah.
I want you to do whatever makes you comfortable. Okay.
I do think your jitteriness may be relieved by a little bit of tension relief. Yeah.
I really don't know. Okay, let's move on then.
I feel uncomfortable. No, no, we don't want to make you feel uncomfortable at all.
I'm just curious because I want you to be more relaxed in life because I feel like when I walk in the back room there, you're going to have an aneurysm. I feel like you're so nervous that, and I'm like, you got to chill.
Everything's okay. Well, Andrew, Andrew, I- And you've done such a good job, so it's like- I went to Pauly's Christmas party.
Yeah. I go up, I look through the window just to see who's there and i see harland some bunch of people i see this guy sitting on the couch yeah like he's like with his both hands like this and i stared at him for like three minutes he wasn't talking to anybody he was just sitting there with his rosy rosy cheeks right and then when i came into the party you didn't move from that position at all you were were there for hours.
Yeah. But I was talking to Harland and some of the other comics before.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I was there early.
I was there early because I had to leave early. Oh, that's right.
I remember. What are your hobbies? I go to a lot of festivals, lots of concerts.
Music. Music.
Yeah. Okay, great.
What do you like? What kind of music do you like? I love Miley Cyrus. I love The Killers.
I love Imagine Dragons. Everything people don't like.
Imagine Dragons. What do you mean? Who doesn't like Miley Cyrus? Who doesn't like The Killers? Samtown is one of my favorite albums of all time.
I love that album. So Miley Cyrus, The Killers, Imagine Dragons.
Who else? Nelly Furtado. Love, I'm Like a Bird.
Yeah. I love pop and rock music.
I'm like a bird. I only find a way.
I like, pop and, like, rock music, you know. I'm like a bird.
I only fly away. Come on.
I don't have a singing voice. I don't know, Emma.
Come on. Skola is homeless.
I don't know. What kind of bird would you be if you were a bird, bud? I was scared of birds, actually.
My brother had a bird who was too friendly, and he would... What do you mean, too friendly? I remember breaking my box spring in half

because the bird would chase me

and this is like probably when I was 24.

Just a couple years ago.

Yeah, and then I just threw like a comforter at the bird.

It's just like...

But I didn't get it.

What?

What kind of bird was it?

A street bird.

A street bird?

Like a finchie kind of small... The brown one.
The little one. The brown one.
Little tiny one. Yeah, like the one you would see on the street.
Right, right. So that little tiny guy was chasing you around the fucking apartment, huh? And you broke a spring baller.
Yeah. And you threw a comforter.
Yeah, I was more 20 than 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute. How did your bird? You mean a pigeon? Is that what you're talking about? No, no.
It was like one of those cute birds but it's just like do what birds do don't right how did your brother have it in the home did he get it from outside and brought it in look at some of these birds like that kind of like that more brown does that image make you scared when you look at that does that look like that looks dangerous um it's it's great when it's there but if it was here it's too close too close it's too close all right put away the birds yeah birds in the studio yeah when's the last time you went to a zoo um last time i went to a zoo is probably because anthropology class made me and A baboon started jerking off in front of me, and I don't want to go back. Wait, stop.
It was traumatic? Yeah, I wrote that in the anthropology paper, too. That a baboon started jerking off? The easily amused baboon.
I mean, easily aroused baboon. Was he staring at you when he was doing it? It was anger in his eyes.
I'm just like, I'm writing

this paper as quick as you're jerking, you know?

I gotta get out of here.

So you haven't been there since high school?

No, I was in community college for eight and a half

years. I liked it

a lot.

I loved it.

You didn't want to transfer? No, so what?

It's so eight for what community

college? Glendale Community College. GCC, baby.
Yeah. Wow.
Home of the Fighting. Dragons? Home of the Fighting Dragons.
What did you study at GCC? Mass communications, but journalism and photography is what I was. Journalism and photography in a mass communication umbrella.
And eight years of this. And did you finish? I couldn't finish.
Just kidding. I finished.
You finished you finished yeah okay well what do you get when you finish i don't know you get to wear a red dress and a tassel you get to have tassels but you haven't used the you got a degree right i wasn't gonna go back to school it was more of you know people i think you did a lot of school i wouldn't have after eight years um you could be a doctor i'm practically a doctor of what do you think you're a doctor of you have a doctorate in what ticket master i think like i like you know i look at seating charts way too much of your of what for everything yeah wow i love seeing charts we gotta get him a job at live nation or something we could just following the blue dots that's like no what i'm just saying don't you think you want to move on from doing local comedy shows and move your way up? I think you'd be a great promoter in a bigger scale. But I guess, honestly, I love the comedy store.
It's always going to be there. Yeah.
What's your dream, Greg? Honestly, it just keeps changing with everyone that dies. You know, but I don't know my dream i guess it's i don't tip over today yeah you won't stavros survived and i'm gonna survive and you know tell me what you think a dream of yours might be or like what is a goal in life that you'd like to achieve it was getting back to the comedy store well you're there baby you're there so that's it you you're You're doing it.
There's nothing else that you feel like you kind of want a little bit in life? Oh, like before it was doing comedy and going on the road. I got to open for Pauly a few times, which was really fun.
But then I just stopped. You know what we got to have this guy? He's got to open for us.
You got to do one of our shows. Yeah, you got to do one of our shows.
You're coming to open for us. In Long Beach? I think you're gonna come down to long beach and open for us they don't have tickets anymore what do you mean we're sold out yeah you have single no you're performing you're performing you don't mean the backstage i'm not gonna be in the audience no yes yeah no yes no yes why why not you'll have to we would love it we would love it how about For us? How anything for you bobby i wouldn't i bought paulie's asked for me to do the podcast before and i said no i can't yeah but you're but but here's the deal you're gonna how about come with us to long beach okay be backstage side stage you'll be with carlos and fancy and the crew if you decide at some point you'd be fun to go say hi he's not gonna do it we have to make him do it no you don't get i can't force him to do anything is if it's not too soon oh uh i wouldn't need time why because i you know i'm more of like a britney spears type performer where it's like robotic so you want do you want we can get pyro and all sorts of shit for you do You want a snake up there knives let's get you a knife february 24th you're going to be doing long beach with us you're going to at least come and hang out it's a month away it's a month away a month away yeah yeah well how about this we'll get you transportation down there we'll take care of you i was going to come anyway and you have your own show horrible funny why don't you just put yourself up there for five minutes yeah why not honestly like i would die though but because you wouldn't i'm just i promise you you won't die i promise you well he could die given his family who's gonna be on deck like you know it's just like you know it's always worried about oh are they gonna be who's gonna be on deck what if someone cancels last minute and all right okay but no but i i would i honestly it would be an honor um i want to get some scoop on so you you you're promoter right and i'm sure there are comics that you book right that are nicer than others the goop Scoop.
I want to get some scoop on, so you're a promoter, right? And I'm sure there are comics that you book, right, that are nicer than others. The goop scoop.
I want the goop scoop. We want the goop scoop, baby.
Right. Put the title card up there.
You don't have to name names, but let me ask you a question. Are there comics kinder than others? Absolutely.
Okay. Are there comics that you book, right, that you don't really like that much? That's not necessarily true because that's the problem.
I only book comics I like. Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's good. Yeah, because you always book Arsenio.
Yeah. And you love him.
Yeah. He's great.
Yeah. He kills.
He kills. Is there someone that you don't really like that's not that nice to you that you book? And you can say it and we're going blank it out.
You're not going to. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me right now.
We would never. I'm dead serious.
We would never. We'll do something.
We're never going to fuck you. We would never do that.
That's insane. We guested you on our show.
You're on our show. Yeah.
We would never. I've never seen Jeselnik on your shows.
He has done. Okay.
Well then he's one of them. Anthony Jeselnik is one of my favorite comics.

And actually he was supposed to do the show that you did January 8th.

And he asked to do it and I said we already finished the book.

I've never seen Nikki Glaser on your shows.

Nikki Glaser has done the show.

Okay, all right, guys.

Nikki Glaser.

We need to sign a petition to get Nikki Glaser back to the West Coast.

No, she loves St. Louis, man.

No.

Okay, well. Okay.
Yeah, I love Nikki Glaser. Has Eliza done your shows? Yeah, Eliza's a regular.
Nikki could move back to the West Coast. You've got a little bit of room in that place of yours, I think, right? Yeah, we could house.
Yeah. You could house.
House comics. But is there, so who hasn't done your show, and we'll bleep it, that you don't like that much? There's gotta be something.
Cover your mouth when you do it, and'll bleep it. We'll bleep it, I promise.
I swear on my list. You know what comic I don't like? That hasn't done your show.
That has done it or hasn't done it that you're like, ugh. You're not gonna bleep it.
We swear. Why would we fuck you? Look at me.
That's my producer. Our producer.
We're not gonna fuck you. I promise you.
We would never. We won't fuck fuck you cover your mouth if you say it I'm not a big fan of yeah he's not gonna do it anyway I know that's the only one have you had no he won't I had him when we were in the belly room but he's not responding you know as far as you know you have his number no alright say who's been the meanest to you who's been the rudest or the most disrespectful or just kind of not nice to you.
I guess you're going to bleep. Yes.
We promise. Well, I guess it was hard to work with him.
Yeah. That's a bummer.
But it's also not a surprise. But if he's on a little later, and even if it's natural causes.
He's probably a type of guy that doesn't say hi to you and talk to you yeah i it was it was hard because like the first time like the first time i and the only like time i really messed up was when i was working my job before i had before this was a marketing operations project specialist too many words yeah it was used to traffic, coordinator. It was so many words.
What was this for? A healthcare company. So what were you doing for them? Traffic production project coordinator.
Yeah, but what are you doing? We know the title. Traffic production.
What were you physically doing? Well, you showed up and you clocked in. What the fuck did you do? I get breakfast.
Cafe downstairs. All right, all right.
You got breakfast for people. How long did you do? No, no, no, no.
For me. And then I go back up.
And then I worked on this project management tool system. You did programming.
I wouldn't say that because I can't do that. So what did you do? It was like programming for dummies.
You literally, instead of building something crazy, you just click and drag. And then all of a sudden the app has that tool.
Okay, cool. Oh, cool.
Yeah. Okay, you were building something on the internet.
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What would be your dream job

now? If I said, what is your dream job, Greg? Are you doing it? Is it booking booking? I love doing

this. Honestly, I stopped dreaming, but maybe I start again.
You don't have to dream, but I'm

saying what would be a job that you go, you know, it'd be really fun to do. I would enjoy blank a

festival booker. Like I love that.
See, that's what we need to get him to do live nation coachella needs help like you know you'd be great at that coachella needs help why you think the lineups are not good oh my god they're bad i mean i'm looking for any excuse to go you know eat two edibles and roll around in the desert but like it's right not happening okay let me let me i'll throw some names out and you well look at I'll throw some names out. See if you would book it.
How about this? Lana Del Rey. The last album was great.
She's headlining First Night. Are you into it? No, because have you seen her perform? Is she a bad performer? He's a bad performer.
And he knows. How about Peso Paluma? You know, he looks like more friendly and more dangerous than Bad Bunny at the same time.

Okay.

How about Lil Uzi Vert?

You like Lil Uzi?

I don't know.

That one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's say Andrew and I, we're managers.

We manage a bunch of bands.

Yeah.

And we're calling you.

And you're booking Coachella.

Uh-huh.

All right.

You get night two, Greg.

Yeah.

Who you got for us?

Hey, so no, we're pitching him. Oh.
Hey, Goop. We about that hey goop it's us hey goop it's santino and and bob what's happening hi wme or uta no we're just santino league santino lee manager oh santino hello hi yeah hey goop so we got some bands for you if we're booking night two you're booking booking night two.
So, can we throw you some bands? Yeah. And you say yes or no? So, we got Limp.
The Limpster. Limp Bizkit.
Oh. You can't do it like that because they're our clients.
That's our clients. It's going to hurt us.
Okay, okay. Right? So, you got to come up with some excuse and be smart about it.
I would contact Carlos. He's booking Sunday and he's doing lots of throwbacks.
Okay, cool. By the way, good deflection.
Very good. Because we can't take it on Saturday.
Okay, so Goop, we've got a couple of throwback stuff, but I guess we'll give that to Carlos. So you only want new age stuff right now, right? We got Adele.
Oh, Adele. Yes, welcome.
Oh, you want Adele? Oh, yeah. She headline? Oh, she could have the whole thing.
Yeah. Okay, good.
We don't manage her. We don't anymore.
She dropped her. We were just testing her.
Okay. Yeah, we don't manage her.
We have Selena Gomez. She'd like to perform.
What do you think? Okay. You're not into this? Headliner or probably second? Second.
Oh, second. Yeah.
Second in the night or second to last? No, second to last and second in the lineup. Okay, good.
That's two different things. Two different things.
That's fine. We'll figure it out.
Second to last in the night. So let's put her...
So we got Selena Gomez. We got Selena Gomez.
She's going to come sing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wonderful. We've got Neil Diamond.
Yeah, we have Neil. I don't know him.
We got Neil Diamond. He already has a show on Broadway Coming to America Coming to America You know? No Your parents didn't sing that when they came over? Did you sing Paris? Sweet Caroline I have a Glee song That's Lea Michele and she's welcome Alright so no Daniil Even Sunday? Yeah Carlos is booking Carlos is a fucked job Give me your ideal Line up at a festival One night just give me one night Don't look at that don't look at that get that four acts four acts five nights one night opener go this is like so hard like i i would have to get back no no no do it now no you do it now miley's definitely there also miley one we don't know yet the arrangement but miley no particular orderiley.
Yeah. And the killers are a great festival act.
Killers. Killers.
Yeah. Shit.
Shit. I have to.
Who's on your Spotify playlist right now? Who's on your most listened? No. Kesha.
Kesha's a good time. Okay, Kesha.
Three? Okay, good. I've been...
When you say good time, though... What does that mean? What does that mean? Just, you know, have a few drinks and, you know...
So you'd like to have a few drinks and you like to have a little bit of Eddie's. Do you do other ingestibles? No, because once...
I have an addictive personality, obviously. Yeah, and so personality, obviously.
Have you done acid? No. Molly? No.
No Molly? I would love to, but I know that would be last. Weed.
Have you ever smoked? Oh yeah, you do weed. Yeah, but I suck at it.
Any nose beers? Oh. No.
I thought I had something in my nose. No, I'm just cocaine.
You have cocaine? Never done cocaine. No.
I'm open to it, but I know that. You're open to it.
But I wouldn't. Don't do it.
I wouldn't. Your heart would explode.
Yeah. I won't make it.
I'm in a doctor, but it's not a good. All right, so how about this? That's your ultimate kind of lineup would be Miley, Killers.
What did we say? Kesha. Kesha.
That's pretty good. It's a good little lineup.
You think you could facilitate a festival if you could reach these people's managers? You could get something together. Like you could be the new Fyre Fest.
I love Fyre Fest. Did you go to Fyre Fest? I have an actual wristband from Fyre Fest, an artist band.
So you went to Fyre Fest. You got fed the bologna sandwiches and all that stuff no i was a fan afterwards so i bought all the merges merchandise that like were in crates in the ocean and like i bought a artist wristband and do we do the i was an early follower we come up with a complete thing the goop fest i think we should do we don't do a fucking island where do we do it on uh huh we don't do it on an island no no like a toll or um a peninsula we'll do it in a peninsula or an island the peninsula hotel is nice what we're We're not going to do it on an island? No, no, no.
Like a toll or a peninsula.

We'll do it in a peninsula.

Or an island.

The peninsula hotel is nice.

What?

We're not going to do it at the hotel.

Yeah, what hotel?

The peninsula he's talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A mountaintop?

They didn't want on a mountaintop?

We should.

Kanye already did that.

All right, so where do we do the Goop Fest?

Where does Goop Fest take place?

Antarctica.

Frito-Lay's factory.

Okay, at the Chippy's factory. At the Chippy factory.
Okay, good. So we'll get a hold of Frito-Lay.
Guys, reach out to Frito-Lay. See if we can do the Goop Fest presented by Frito-Lay.
I can follow up with Andreas. With Carlos.
It was Carlos. Carlos is going to be doing that.
So we're going to be at the Frito-Lay factory. What town is that in? It's in Perry Plant, Georgia.
Yeah. So if you live anywhere near there, just know Goop Fest is coming to you in the next couple of years at the Frito-Lay Perry Plant factory.
Now let's get images of what this is going to look like because we just want to map it out a little bit of the physical plant. No, no, no.
Just go to images, baby boy. Yeah, let's go to images, baby boy.
Let's see what they look like. Let's see what they're...
Oh, beautiful. That's where Goop Fest is going to be taking place.
Yeah, yeah. It seems so hot.
That's no different. Oh, yeah.
Georgia is hot. Look at that.
Yeah, but we'll do it in the winter. Winter.
We'll do it in the fall. Oh, we can't do it in Georgia because they allow guns.
We can't. Whoa.
Wait. Stop.
Yeah. They stop doing festivals.
No, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
What's up with guns? They allow them in Georgian festivals. I know, but you don't like them.
Oh, it's so scary. Guns.
Guns. You press the button and you kind of get.
You've never held one. I used one of those things that cut wood ones and I like shook.
Hold on. Cut wood gun? No.
I guess two different things. Anything with power scares me.
Like a power tool. Yeah.
I used a table slicer. Oh, man.
A table saw. Yeah.
I think my home, my teacher was like, let's get him away from this. He's going to cry.
So you don't like things that cause harm? I don't like things that cause harm, but also things that shake. Things that shake? Or vibrate.
What does that mean? I mean, it was just, you know. You don't like any sort of vibration or shaking? Yeah, yeah.
You don't have tools at home? No, I have a brother a tool oh no he has tools got it yeah wow so at night when you go to sleep what time are you going to bed i go to bed at like eight and then i wake up at like 11 and then i eat melatonin gummies and then i go to sleep for another hour, and then I wake up again. You have sleep apnea.
Is that when you make weird noises? Yeah. Sure.
It's when you can't really breathe in your sleep. No, I'm good at that, but I'm not good at staying asleep.
It's potentially serious, though, sleep apnea. Do you think we could get you a machine? Can the bad friends buy you a machine and maybe get you through the night? I want to get you through the night need one of those no that's the batman movie one that's not bane no that's just no you do know that if you don't get any good sleep at all it has it has neurodegenerative properties you could start losing your mind if you don't get any sleep i get too excited to sleep sometimes but we got to get you to sleep dude you're sleeping three hours a night that's fucking terrible that's all you sleep is three hours some days Like, I just, like, there's so many dogs on TikTok that need watching.
Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah, we need to take you to Tulum over the summer.
Yeah. We need to go on a beach.
No, I did that. No, you haven't.
Not with us. I did.
I spent 10 nights in Cancun, and it felt like I died and I was in purgatory. I know, but my point is not with us.
Cancun's not fucking tulum i need entertainment but i guess you're no we're the entertainer so when you go on vacation you went solo i always go solo it's not always have you ever been on vacation with with with family or friends or anybody well last uh i don't like yes uh yes my idea of a vacation is i book like you know nine to 12 nights in New York City And then I see like 16 to 18 shows Do you go to a show a night? Sometimes 4 You've seen Wicked 24 times and I stopped counting 24 times you've seen Wicked Book of Mormon How many times have you seen it? I've seen it over 10 times, but also the best part about Book of Mormon is watching the audience watch Book of Mormon. God, dude, I've never seen it.
Have you? It's fucking incredible, first of all. Book of Mormon? Yes, it's amazing.
Second to this. I saw Lion King.
You're the most interesting motherfucker I've ever met in my entire life. No.
Dude, I've 24 times a Wicked. You can keep don't understand why that's why that i mean you must you're in love with it no it's it's awesome you probably sing with the do you sing along sing along i'm an emotional person and like sometimes you can hear the emotion in these women's voices and they all have different riffs yeah so i follow the riffs i see you are you love perform you truly love performance yeah that's why you're saying about musicians that you don't like is because they put on a bad show

yeah yeah yeah yeah you don't you don't have any patience if they kind of mail it in quote

unquote you like a tight show i love a tight set list yes yeah a set list is like so important

right so what have you seen the most on broadway wicked uh i see a lot a lot like some of my oh i was really into the one that was out uh about the filipino dictator here lies love how many times you see that that one i flew uh back thanksgiving weekend because it was closing so i i before buried my father, I had to go bury the show

and say goodbye to that as well.

That's right.

But the whole venue is like a little nightclub.

You know, you take your candies

and then, you know,

they don't let you have drinks

because you could spill.

Yeah.

But like the whole place is like a dance floor

and like different VIP sections

and the show happens all over.

It's about Imelda Marcos.

Yeah, we know.

Yeah, it was so awesome.

It's one of those shows where you're sitting there

I'm going to go over here. floor and like different vip sections and the show happens all over it's about emilda marcos yeah we know yeah it was so awesome it's one of those shows where you're sitting there and and there are actors on your side all around around yeah wow yeah it's interactive if you're interacting well the lion king i did well yeah there's a giraffe that was there's a giraffe like a wedding you scared the shit out of me dude there's a dude.
There's a company called Sleep No More. Do you know Sleep No More? Yeah.
So have you seen a Sleep No More? I've been there. Which one have you seen? Which one? I've seen, I love the McKittrick Hotel.
They put on, I'll see anything the McKittrick Hotel does. Do you know what this is? No.
Sleep No More is incredible. It's a theater company that basically puts on live interactive places.
Eyes wide shut. You are a part, no, no, they're not all the same.
There's a bunch of different stories yep you wear the mask as a as a as a viewer and you literally walk around from room to room while the play goes on in front of you we went to london we went to see one called the drowned man did you ever see drowned man i didn't see the drowned man oh my fucking god dude you literally moved through a factory in london it was in in shoreditch i think it was new york has it new york has it permanently now what you go it's in new York sleep no more yeah and you go floor to floor Bob yeah and you pick up the play in pieces where it's happening like this or people are viewing the play while it's taking place they could move they could leave the scene whenever they want go to another scene you don't have to stay in one spot wow it's how do you follow along you can follow one actor you can follow a group if I want to see the whole movie what happens you stay for an hour or two and you get loop you start to you might get the end of the fucking show in the beginning every time you go you'll see something different pretty rarely because there is no beginning and end quote unquote it's a big loop so you don't really know what part of the loop you're in the story is continually uh uh growing and changing so you could hypothetically start in the middle and and the second middle could be the end to you it's closing it's they keep extending it but it's closing now march 31st i'm gonna see it the last thursday of march i highly recommend in la you mean no in new york i'm planning my next new york trip it's one of the greatest things i think i've ever seen live i'm gonna watch it in my life and also can we go together or yeah i would love to go yeah uh they separate people though and it's funny they do if you yeah if you they open an elevator door they let someone walk out then they close the elevator door so if you if you and i go like i went with my wife if they separated us on purpose they don't want they usually want you to be alone and you can get touched and kissed and hugged and pulled into rooms did you get touched uh yeah i've i've gone like a lot of times and like you know sometimes they just drag you and then sometimes they just like do some stuff. I've been kissed.
Yeah? I got kissed. On your mask? Well, she moved my mask and she kissed my cheek and then kissed right by my lips.
She must have known who you were. No.
Huh? A little hard. Did you get a little hard? Did I get a little hard, Greg? As long as it doesn't last more than 24 hours, it's good.
Have you had a boner for 24 hours one time? No, but if I do, I know what to do. What do you do? What do you do? I think then I have to go to the- Wake up or I'm going to call 911.
Yeah. Or go to sleep or I'm going to call 911.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.
Go to sleep or I'm calling 911. Yeah.
Wow. So you've had a house full of unfortunate death and you're now making your way into the world as a single man who's owning his own business so you've succeeded tremendously because the show is extremely successful you get awesome comics it's always sold out so you've achieved a lot and you amongst heartbreak he pays the most he pays good money for the yes he's fair the most he's fair whoa he's fair and I do my best.
And true and just. But you get a nice chunk, huh? Yeah.
That's it. I have to money for the...
Yes, he's fair. You pay the most.
He's fair. Whoa.
He's fair and true and just.

But you get a nice chunk, huh?

Yeah.

That's how I have to pay for Adele.

Adele needs a lot of money.

So how much money do you think you spend a month on shows?

Is it all your checks?

I'm smart with my money, but the thing is, after every Horribly Funny, I go and I don't come back until the next Horribly Funny.

Usually.

Where would you go? To New York? See, my next i was just in um las vegas for new year's and um i saw a post malone christina aguilera demi lovato and bunch of bangers kelly clarkson in one show no four different shows and sometimes like you know you just have to like leave and go to the next one a little early oh i see but um this horribly funny, I'm going to Las Vegas again. I'm not a big fan of his, but at this point I'll see anything within reason.
But I'm going to see Bruno Mars, Adele. There has to be other people.
Usher is in Vegas. Have you seen Usher? I haven't seen Usher.
You have no? Bruno Mars is a great entertainer. Yeah, he is a great entertainer.
Yeah. But yeah, just.
So every dime you make goes to live entertainment. It goes right back into entertainment.
And I love festivals. I love VIP experiences at festivals.
Like treat me well in a parking lot. You know, that's what, you know.
I don't even understand what that means. Because, like, all these festivals are, like, basically in a parking lot.

And they, like, charge thousands of dollars.

Dude, imagine him in Woodstock when it went wrong.

I would be calling my mom.

I know.

There's no water.

No water. Right, right?

No water.

You're trapped.

People get trampled to death.

I actually had friends call and ask if I was at Fyre Festival.

Really?

Yeah.

But, no, I wasn't.

Like, the lineup wasn't good. Or I would have been.
Okay, here you're at you're at fire fest okay you're trapped no it is kind of a deserted island at this point what is your final meal gonna be if they say greg we're gonna have to we don't we can't get you out of here we're gonna give you your final meal what's your final meal i thought about it i like even if i knew i was gonna die i wouldn't go back to eating meat just because out of being kind that's your moral that's your moral but it's like also it's not religious so it's not weird but like miley stars is kind of has been like it's kind of like a religion she's the fucking best so tell me what your final meal would be um probably all the chips what are we talking what kind what flavors like what's your what's i love barbecue i love all the doritos family is really yeah are we talking spicy nacho spicy spicy nacho yeah and then the half the fun is you know afterwards when you're getting it off your fingers and then you fall asleep so when you lick your fingers is your favorite so your last meal would just be chips do you like the mexican ones where this is limon limon uh you? What are they called? Takis? I don't know. Most of them are stale.
I like them. They're hard to find.
I don't go grocery shopping outside. I don't do anything.
I just get everything delivered. They rarely have them and they finally have them and it was stale.
And then I got them once in Las Vegas and it was stale there too. where do you stay in las vegas i like to stay somewhere different every night and like wait a minute wait a minute if you're there for how many days three four days last time i was supposed to be there for seven nights but one of the nights i decided to book a two-floor suite and then i forgot how much money are you making and and then i and i kind of fell down a spiral staircase but it was glamorous like you know and then i was just sitting down and going looking up i'm like it's funny to have a two-floor suite and not be able to go up the stairs sure wow yeah so you change hotels every night yeah why why would you do that to yourself i because i'm a very uh a person who uh i guess what's that that word? It's...
Nomadic? Restless? Restless? I guess close, but no, it's like when nostalgic and have different memories in different places. And, you know, it's a good way to like, you know, experience different things and it's also a way to get yourself back into a different, a place you were in a different time in your life.
N know yeah we are yeah how many how many horribly funnies do you do a month two only two a month yeah only two shows two shows there were some months where uh they were trying to get me to double up you don't double up and and i did some some months worked and sometimes it doesn't but like a 10 30 p.m show on a monday. Cause I'm trying to do the math, you know? Okay.
I charge more than other promoters. I know, but I'm just seeing how much you make.
So I get, yeah. So that's, yeah, that's a lot.
Yeah. Yeah.
But, but yeah, it goes, it goes back to the community. Just, yeah.
Entertainment. Entertainment.
That's great. Live entertainment.
Yeah. What part of the city do you live in? Los Belis.
Sorry? Los Belis. Yes.
Los Files. Oh, Los Files.
Los Files. I really didn't know what you were saying.
Oh, Los Feliz. Yeah.
Yeah. Not Belliz.
No, that's, no. Say Los Files.
Los. Los Files.
I can't. Los Feliz.
Los Feliz. Los Feliz.
I went to Los Feliz Elementary School, but it's always been Los Feliz. Wait, you're from there? I was bullied there.
You were bullied there? Yeah. Who bullied you there? Everywhere.
And Armenian school was the worst. Well, let me tell you something.
All these cocksuckers that bullied you, all these fucking pieces of shit that thought they were better than you, where are they? And look at you now. Successful business owner.
You must have been the cutest kid imaginable. Actually, I'll show you.
I'll send you a picture. There's a picture of me kind of dressed the same with a microphone, kind of the same as I would do a few drinks in, just singing.
But I'll send you a picture for fun. So you're telling me you went to elementary school there, then where was high school? John Marshall High School.
John Marshall, right on. Yeah, and I was not in the yearbookbook and I didn't go to prom because Avril Lavigne had concerts.
Well, that's a good reason to skip. Oh, so you've always been like this.
Yeah. Wow.
What's the first show you've ever seen, Greg? So my first big show like was Wango Tango, but my first solo artist was Nelly Furtado at the Wiltern Theater. Wow.
The Burn in the Spotlight. Was it cosmic?

It was.

There were bubbles, too.

There was.

Or, yeah.

Yeah, there were bubbles.

You love bubbles.

I love, I love lights.

I can tell.

I can tell.

I love, like, lots of lights.

Light show.

Big light show.

But I don't like EDF.

Do you take bubble baths?

No, I don't.

It's hard to get this in and out of things.

Oh, you take showers then?

Yeah.

Okay. What do you mean it's hard to get this in and out of things.
Oh, you take showers then? Yeah. Okay.

What do you mean it's hard to get this in and out of things?

It's a lot.

Like, you know, like literally this chair deserves an award.

Bubbles are supposed to be a lot of that chair.

It has to feel legs if you guys are.

You might be sitting on a bubble machine.

I want to go to a spa with you.

Would you go to a spa with me?

No.

Korean spa.

Yes.

No.

Why?

Dude, I'm not going to look at your dick What? Wait wait No I won't look at your dick Okay Okay But can we go to Wii Spa? After a horribly funny You and I will get in my car We go to Wii Spa We go to the I swim with my t-shirt on No no no You can keep your t-shirt on You can keep whatever No Yes he can He can keep whatever he fucking wants When we go you gotta get naked Put your shit in the fucking locker And then you can put it on He doesn't want to get naked Sounds like bullying No not you You can look at mine I guarantee you yours is bigger than Bobby's Hey What. What, what, what? Am I out of bounds? We can do a comparison.
It's something to consider. Hey, good job.
Consider it. Let's do that.
We'll consider going to the spot. Then we go upstairs and we'll do the fucking clay room.
Clay room. Yeah, we lay in the clay, right? And we'll be fully clothed.

And we can reminisce.

Don't you want to reminisce with me?

I like reminiscing.

Can we do this like somewhere else?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We can do it wherever you want.

Okay.

Where's your favorite restaurant to go to?

Could we take you out for a nice dinner?

I need to take you guys out to a nice dinner.

No, no.

Where would you like us to take you?

We can go to Hope.

Have you been to Hope?

I haven't been to Hope, but that's a street in downtown, right? Yeah. I mean, there's a restaurant, right, that it's called H-O.
IHOP. Yeah, right.
They're healthy, organic, positive eating. Oh, that sounds like.
It's a vegetarian place, and I heard it's great. Do you eat at vegetarian restaurants? No, I wouldn't eat at a vegan restaurant which is crazy like even though like you know i don't have much options to begin with but um you know yeah uh yeah yeah we'll get you out to somewhere special no i seriously i need to take you guys out no but if you guys are down february 5th it's uh eliza margaret, Rick Glassman.
Can't have two Margaret Cho's on one show. It's too hard.
Two Koreans. No.
No, yeah, one at a time. That's what they say.
Dude, Margaret, dude, Margaret the other night. She's the fucking best.
I love her. But she had her dog, right? And she goes, hold this when I go on stage.
And so I'm literally, you know what I mean, sitting there with the dog, and it was trembling. It's the sweetest dog.
I know, but it doesn't know me. Yeah, but it also is a little scared.
Yeah, yeah. It does lick.
And she did extra time, I felt like, so I was holding this dog, and I didn't want any, because other people walked up to me and went, you want me to hold it? I go, no, I can't. It's a Margo's dog.
She asked me. What time was it? That's how I put it, too.
I protect that with my life when she's on. I know.
Me too. Do you hold it? You know, at first, yeah.
But if it's not going anywhere, I'm just more like playing. What's its name? Lucia.
Lucia. You could say it.
Lucia? Lucia. Lucia.
Lucia. Yeah, that one.
That's what Lucia is. I said it over over here oh you did it yeah but then she but then lucia turned to me and kind of looked at my face and it went like mom like she thought i was and then i kissed her in the mouth the dog and then the dog thought i was margaret well the same face same face yeah yeah so okay so greg um it's been more than a pleasure to have you on the show.
No, thank you. I mean it.
Well. The same face.
Same face. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so. Okay, so Greg, it's been more than a pleasure

to have you on the show.

No, thank you.

I mean it.

Would you do it again?

Yeah.

We'd like to have you back more often.

Would you do it again?

I think the fans are going to love you.

You're such a lovable human being.

But next time, you know,

this was your introduction.

Introduction.

Introduction.

The next time,

you won't talk so much. We'll just be a sidekick.
with jet seat what jesse does yeah right so you could just interject we'll sometimes throw it to you so it wouldn't be as much pressure okay right did this feel like a lot of pressure it was actually pretty awesome it was awesome yeah yeah but i was so nervous but did we make you feel comfortable absolutely wonderful yeah i thought you did great yeah I think you know the old me would have really liked you know even more well I'm glad we got you so why don't you sign off to the fans there in your camera go ahead and tell them tell them say what you need to say oh no this one right here thank you for being a bad friend yeah yeah that's great yeah thank you for being a bad friend that's great do it again thank you for being a bad friend oh i think i did too many a's it's fine thank you for being a bad i think he killed his family you think he killed his family he You think he killed his family?

He said he doesn't like,

I didn't want to ask him

because I didn't want to have

to have a heart attack,

but he said that he doesn't like

anyone breathing in his house.

He likes to be alone

in a big place.

Can you imagine he was holding his aunt

and he was like,

Hey, auntie.

Crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy. Died in his arms.
In his arms. That's awful.
You know what, dude? That's awful. What are you laughing at death for, man? Yeah, Carlos, you're a piece of shit, man.
Carlos, are you still sober right now? Yes, I am. How's it been going? 10 days.
10 days clean right now? Yeah. You look great.
You look bright-eyed. Thank you.
I appreciate that. You look prepared to take on this trip that we're taking this weekend.
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Oh, you're going? Yeah, I'm going. No, I can't wait.
No, and I'm not drinking. I have no plans to drink.
But you are coming. Yeah.
It's going to be great. You were super nice to my friends the other night.
Which ones? Oh, the friends, the females. The crew that you had? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. They were such big fans, and they were so nervous to meet you.
Oh, they were so nice. Yeah, yeah.
And then they were like, you were so kind. Well, my pleasure always.
You're storming around the castle of the comedy store looking like a king there. You had a harem of women.
Just friends. Yeah, but it was a harem of young women friends.
Meanwhile, the rest of the people- 30 something. Come on.
Young ladies. I'm not saying it inappropriately.
I'm saying they're young ladies. 30 something.
I'll make it weird. Yeah.
Why did you make it weird? I'm not saying it inappropriately I'm saying they're young ladies 30 something I'm making it weird I love that show 30 something Not one of them was 30 They were all 27 So why are you making it worse By the way when Greg kept saying 27 What are we talking My guess He could be 60 I don't know i think he's in his late 30s mid 30s i think mid 30s i think 35 34 33 i didn't want to also you know because he you know and i i don't want to push it right but it's like when i told andrew a couple of weeks ago that greg craig greg or it's greg greg g-r-a-i-g yeah greg Greg You told me that Greg, Craig, Greg or Greg? It's Greg. Greg.

G-R-A-I-G.

Yeah, Greg.

Greg.

Greg.

You told me his name was Craig.

I've been calling him Craig.

No, it's Greg.

Greg, okay.

G.

Yeah.

And you, no, but he told us. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.