A Case Of Lululemon ft. Chris Distefano

Hey guys, Bad Friends. Listen, this is the last day.
Tomorrow is the last day. I mean, tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts.
Tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts. The competition.
And hopefully I'll be winning the competition because I'm ahead right now. No, I'm going to win because this is better.
Well, I'm ahead right now. This is a better shirt.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com to get these. Badfriendsmerch.com.
Also, we only have a chunk of dates left. Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson.
And we end in Vegas on 420, man. Come check us out.
Check us out. Go to BadFriendsPod.com.
BadFriendsPod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
We're back, baby. You ready? Sing us a song.
Idiot mean is my friend. No, he's not.
I'm sure he will be at the end. Yes, he will.
That's it. That really bought me out.
Happy New Year to you. No, no, no.
What? New Year is over. Give me the love.

No.

Give me the truck and give me the fudge.

I don't know, man.

Chris DiStefano is in town and we love him.

He's thicky, thicky legs and a lot of gums in his mouth.

Keep going.

I'm just trying to do some things that AI won't be able to copy. No, AI's going to copy all of us.
They can't do that. Yeah, they will.
They can't do that. Your AI was going to be hilarious.
Yes. It's going to be like, what do you have to come up? Cube shot.
Yes, cube shot. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of our oldest and dearest friends who we love so much.
It's Chris DeSever and chris the chaos is looking real svelte my mother used to say svelte when she meant like uh thick boy status you like that yeah thick boy you know what it is it's a core it's the corduroy shirt i think corduroy shirts i don't know what it is you i just feel like i'm a i'm like a blanket what do we know you know what you're doing you're doing the mark mar Yeah. What does that mean? That.
That look. The whole look is the Marc Maron, except for the shoes.
And the pants. Maron would never wear tapered off pants.
Oh, that's true. Lululemons.
I don't think Marc Maron wear Lululemons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no. Lululemons.
Lululemon. Although he is sour, so he might wear Lululemon.
Is that Lululemon? Lululemon. Do you have a men's department? Yes.
Okay, burn. You ready for this? What? Do they? I've been in there.
I've never seen it. Of course they have a men's department.
You've been in the men's department? Also, it's gender fluid, dude. It is.
Lulu's gender fluid. Do you know about the creator? Do you know why he named it Lululemon? Hold on.
I'm not making this up. Can we make a guess? Yes.
Okay, so Lulu. It's got to be somebody's name.
Lemon. It sounds like- A fruit.
No. You ready? You're good.
This is. Damn, dude.
You're good. No, I'm not done.
I was putting the two together. Go on.
You know, Sherlock Holmes is on the crime scene. He's got to put the evidence.
And you're my. What's this guy's name? I'm Sherlock.
You're Sherlock? Why can't I be Sherlock? You're 100%. Can I be Sherlock? You're not Sherlock of anything.
Moriarty. Moriarty.
You're Moriarty. Moriarty.

Maybe Moriarty. You're Watson.

I'm home. I'll be Watson.
Or then you show up at the

scene. Well now.

We've got a case of Lululemon

on our hands. What do you think

Watson? Will I think?

Will I think? Why?

What is Lululemon?

Why am I Asian? What are you Asian

again? You gotta be British. I'm sorry.
Hello, hello, hello. I don't know.
I don't know, Sherlock. Sherlock.
Dude, even your British is Asian. Hello, hello.
Shut up, shut up. Why is it called Lululemon? It's called Lululemon.
And again, you can Google this because the founder of Lululemon was like known racist, and he named it that so Chinese people couldn't pronounce it. Shut the fuck up.
I swear to God, dude, Google it. Google Lululemon founder names it so Chinese can't ...
Yeah, funny to watch Japanese people try to say it. Oh, this guy's the best.
Say it. Say it.
Say it. What? Say Lululemon.
Say Lululemon. Lululemon.
Rululemon. Rululemon.
Rululemon. Rululemon.
The reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand, Homeless, is because it had an L in it. A Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an L in it, so it's not their vocabulary.
It's a tough pronunciation for them. So I thought, next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get three times the money.
It's kind of exotic for them. This is a direct quote.
Whoa. I was playing with L's and came up with Lululemon.
It's funny to watch them try to say it. Wilson was quoted as saying, this guy, what's this guy's net worth? This guy made so much money being a bigot.
This just shows you kids, you can be racist and still be rich. Yes.
That whole idea of racism is it's not a real idea look at lululemon made up by the media chip wilson is his name great name 68 years old 6.8 billion dollars billion dollars say billion billion see they can't figure out what's a what's like let's say we're you know creating a company and we want a top lululemon how would we name it um

little lady london little little lady london yeah mary it gotta be or h h and l's yeah yeah because it goes to harry yeah yeah harry mary no harry mary's Help out.

You're part of the group.

Harry, because it's got to be things that we're saying asian people can't pronounce yeah so a lot of l's and r's right and l's yeah hairy mary's hairy mary larry's hairy hairy hairy mary uh hairy mary larry's uh contrary contrary Little Little Lizard Loves Ladies Little Lizards Love Ladies That's our company The store opens right You're a Japanese person No you're the Japanese person I'm Chip Wilson I'm the bigot that owns the store i'll be a customer yeah i come in all right so what i'm the japanese guy yeah you're my partner we opened it together oh i see yeah okay so oh how you feeling about a store opening today really good really good did you fix the sign out front uh i think some of the letters were out what did it say when you were out there what do you mean the business name was it all out because you told me to out front? I fixed. Some of the letters were out.
What did it say when you were out there?

What do you mean?

The business name.

Was it all out there?

Because you told me to get all the lettering here in Japan.

Yeah.

We don't have the L's and the R's.

No L's and R's? So I had to go get it from America.

Wow.

So you fuck you.

Sorry about that.

Right?

So I had to get it shipped down.

It imported here.

Uh-huh.

Right?

So it came last night at three in the morning.

You put it up though?

What?

You put up the sign?

Yeah.

What was the name of the... Wait, wait.
I forgot. What was the name of our store again? Oh, well, there's a customer here.
Hi. Oh, hello.
We're not open. We're open five minutes.
Hi. We're doing it.
Excuse me. Hello.
We're open five minutes. Okay.
No, welcome him into our store and say the name. Say welcome to...
I forgot the name. Little, little...
Oh, hold on, hold on. Shut the fuck up.
I forgot the name of our store. Well, you better go outside and look.
I'm going to look. I'm going to look.
I'm going to look. Oh, hey.
How you doing? What's your name? Welcome to? Welcome to. What is it? Little.
What was it? Little. Little what? Lizard.
Little. Little.
i don't even know what we're selling but welcome well welcome to rocky rocky you know it's i'm um i'm a woman from america tell. Yeah, we do.
I'm a lady from America and I'm from Japan. So it looked like they had some...
Come on in. There's nothing in here.
No, there's so much product. I know.
Look at all the stuff we have. Oh, that's true.
I don't think you'd fit into our stuff. Aw.
Yeah. I thought I could.
No, I don't think so. I think you're a little too beefy for us you're too beefy for us yeah yeah get the fuck out of here i don't know how to no no yeah reject her in japan we say stuff get the fuck out here bitch you fuck give me a sword yeah anyway that's okay okay we're gonna open up a shop yes oh by the way now that we're on asians let's talk all things asian now yeah i'm sorry by the way bobby for you brought it up I want to say that I want to open up a shop.
Yes. Oh, by the way, now that we're on Asians, let's talk all things Asian now.
Yeah. I'm sorry, by the way, Bobby.

You brought it up again.

I want to say that I want to start off also, too, before I apologize for last time I was

in here two years ago.

I apologize for immediately coming onto the show and pushing my eyes back and yelling

Donald Trump in your face.

But he's running again, so.

Yeah, so.

No, no.

If it happens again.

Wait, did you get in trouble for it?

No.

No.

No, but I just-

You get some heat online, be honest.

No, sometimes, but I just wanted to say... Because when you did that, you know what they say about me now? What? That Bobby hates his own...
Yes. Because I watch that happen and don't say shit.
Right. So online now, I can say Bobby hates himself.
You know how... And where he comes from and his ethnicity.
So fuck you, dude. Wait, because you know what happens? Fuck you, Donald Trump.
Because people have messaged me and said, you know, just because he laughs at that doesn't mean you can say that about all Asian people. And they're right.
And they're right. They're not right.
No, but I want to say to them, I want to say to the people who are mad, I am very sorry. You know how they say in the black community they say Uncle Tom? Yeah.
You're Uncle Chang. Uncle Chang.
Uncle Chang. I ain't Uncle Chang.
Somebody online make an Uncle Chang shirt. Maybe I'm Uncle Chang.
Uncle Chang. Uncle Chang right now.
I think it's right in society, but in the chambers and also in the ecosystem of comedy. Yeah, come on.
Fine. It should be said.
Give me a break. So in the Asian world, I want to congratulate Steven Yeun and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of Beef for winning.
And Andrew's on the show, so give them a round of applause. Andrew just won a fucking Golden Globe.
First of all, I didn't win a Golden Globe. Did you go? But you're a part of it.
No, of course I didn't. He's a part of it.
I have nothing to do with it. Right.
You're in the show. I'm on a couple episodes.
I'm a guest star. Yeah.
So. Give him a round of applause.
No, no, no, no. I didn't win anything.
They did. And also, more importantly than that, I just wanted to get that out of the way because this one's, I just wanted to do, you know, you start with something nice and then you go back.
I do want to congratulate Korea as a whole. Yes.
We are, they finally announced that they are banning the consumption of dog meat

in Korea.

But not right away.

There's like two or three more years.

Yeah, it's not going to be

until 2055,

but it is going to happen.

No, I'm dead serious.

It is going to be a long time.

What do they say?

They're banning it.

I don't agree with it.

I think they should,

if it's culture

and it's customary to do that,

then they should do that

and not take the dog meat

away from the people

who love the dog meat

because there's pressure

from the Western world

to do that. I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat, if you are dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure from the western world to do that i think if you and your people want to eat dog meat if you are dog meat eating people then you should continue to eat your dog meat with your chopstick and sit on the floor well they have till 2027 to stock up anyway everyone's gonna have freezers filled with i know just if i'm gonna get you a petco i'm gonna get you a petco membership so you can have me for your family.

Dude, all the shelters are like, all these dogs are adopted. It's crazy.
Look at this. It says it's going to go into effect in 2027.
And also, that's after a three-year transition period. So 2030, they'll have to stop.
What do you think? So by 2030, they'll go, all right, guys, we got to start slowing this down. Do you have a dog?

Huh?

No.

Exactly.

I don't.

It sounds like it.

I don't want animals.

I have no problem with animals.

But you live with three animals.

Exactly.

Puerto Ricans.

And I live, I have, no, I don't want, I have kids.

I have three children.

That's enough. But I don't want any animals.

And I don't hate animals. I just don't want to have to clean up their...
But have you ever bonded with a dog or a cat? No. Like, have had a relationship with one? Never? Never.
Never had one as a kid or nothing. Well, that's the problem.
Well, because you know what happened? Because if you had, you would have sent some bullshit like you did two minutes ago. Well, I'll tell you what.
That's fucking bullshit. The reason why is because when I was a little kid, my my mom came home with a dalmatian and then that dalmatian uh i let it go into the basement and then it ate all the clorox and i found its dead body and that and that um disconnected me from having pets and you know what i named that dalmatian cruella and then you know what my father said to my mother you know what i overheard my father saying to my mother after i named the baby Cruella? After I named the dog Cruella? He said to my mom, he said, Lynn, I think our kid's gay.
Because I named her, my favorite movie was 101 Dalmatians. That was your favorite movie? 101 Dalmatians with Glenn Close when she played Cruella.
And that's who I named my dog after. And then the dog ate bleach and died in my basement.
And that's why I don't want dogs. But I would have, because because i care about culture more than anything and i want to make sure the people who have attacked me online know that i care about culture more than anything and if that dog would if i would if that happened to me today and that i found that dog dead in the basement of my house i would give it to bobby as an offer for meal for your family and i would let you have a feast over my animal for you and your brothers and sisters.
Well, thank you. What was your favorite movie as a kid that would be misconstrued like that as kind of like gay or like, what did you love as a kid that you were like embarrassed about? You didn't want any of your friends to find out about it.
As a kid? Yeah. Like I'll get my example, what he's saying about 101.
Like I loved Phantom of the opera as a kid. And I don't even like, I fucking hate musicals.
Right. I had an Andrew Lloyd Webber poster in my fucking room.
I swear to God, dude. I fucking thought Phantom was like the coolest shit.
And it was so gay. Yeah.
Like everyone I knew was like, Andrew Lloyd, were you like composers? I was like nine. Yeah.
I like that movie Little Women. Maybe far away or maybe real nearby.
Annie did. Dude.
That was yours? Annie? Wow. Keep going though.
Will you sing more? I don't know the rest of that song. We'll just make it up.
Maybe. Let's start from the beginning.
Do you know that song? Yeah. She's on the windowsill.
Yeah. With her little red hair.
Yeah. I think that's why.
That's why you and I are in love? You're my Annie. Yeah.
Honestly, I. I'm trying to think what you are to me.
You know how when people look at redheads, they get repulsed? Okay. No, I'm just being, some people get repulsed and they want to vomit and stuff.
What people? Cool. Which is some people are like that.
When I saw you for the first time, nothing.

I was like, oh, normal human being.

I feel normal.

I feel like a- You connected with me because of Banny.

Yeah, yeah.

Some people look at you and they go, you know what I mean?

Whatever, you know.

No, my, no.

People with red hair.

Am I right?

Am I not right?

No.

When you see a red-

No?

When I first saw you-

When you see the freckles in the vagina, is it like-

Freckles on the vagina?

Some redhead-

We would have freckles on their vagina.

Anyway. When I saw you, I was like, Jackie Chan got fat as fuck, but I was excited that you got into comedy.
Oh, that's funny. Yes.
Yeah, Jackie Chan, that's fun. Well, that's my childhood.
If Anne is your childhood. Yeah, but Jackie Chan, that's what you came up with right now? Look up Fat Jackie Chan and see if it's not you online.
Look at Fat Jackie Chan. Pat Morita, maybe.
No, Fat Jackie Chan. Fat Jackie Chan.
Oh, there it is.

Fourth.

No, first image on the second row.

Second row, first image.

Boom, Bobby Lee.

Wow.

Boom, Bobby Lee. And that's him playing Kim Jong-un.

Anyway.

If they don't cast you as that.

I love Annie.

If they don't cast you as that.

All right.

Seriously.

So Annie was your thing.

I loved Annie, yeah.

Did you not tell anybody?

No, nobody.

You were embarrassed about it?

I like that with music too.

I don't tell people I like Sarah McLachlan. Whoa.
She's so good. Oh, she is? I love her.
She's great. She's great.
I didn't know about that. She's still good? She's good now? Yeah.
Enya. Enya's great.
Enya's great, right? Give me a more embarrassing band. If you're going to give me a band that's embarrassing, give me somebody that's like actually.
I used to get Charles Manson's music tapes. Charles Manson? You mean Marilyn Manson?

No, Charles Manson.

Oh, always.

I guess his acoustic tapes.

Oh, right.

Oh, they're so good.

Those are good.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's your embarrassing band?

Since when I was a kid or like currently?

Oh, I know you have way more now than then for some reason.

Back then, I used to love, well, like I remember that song. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world.
It's fantastic. Made of plastic.
I would put on that song when I was winding down in the gym to get me pumped up. And I would imagine myself singing that song to all my classmates.
I don't know why, but I love that. I always imagined myself singing songs.
And I remember being at Force Fitness in Ridgewood ridgewood queens on the treadmill hitting it at 9.0 with incline going i'm a bobby girl and but meaning it dead seriously with a cd you know cassette uh you know the cd uh walkman and i and and i listened to a lot of in sync yeah um i loved in sync um i loved backstreet to all that. And right now, my favorite band is the 1975.
I go to all their concerts. You're friends with these guys.
Well, yes. I've slowly but surely slowly become friends with.
One of the best days I had in my life was about three weeks ago when I was texting the lead singer, Matty Healy. And I said something to him and I made him laugh and I screenshot it and saved it and asked Jasmine to print it out.
And she called me an F-A-double-G-O-T. Yeah.
A Fajot? A Fajot. A Fajot.
Let me ask you something. Are there people? As we get a name, right? Sometimes people that we didn't like before now like us because they were famous or whatever.
Like who? And then we start liking. I don't know how to name names.
Name names. Is there anyone like that where you're like, before you were Chris DiStefano, you and me

were like, ah, fuck that guy.

But now that they're reaching out to you, let's hang out, then you like them now.

No, I think what's happened though is like people that I used to like tweet at, you know,

like just talking shit, having fun in 2012, 2013, where I was just like letting stuff

rip.

That's how it used to be.

Yeah. They've now, you know, some of those people i've seen it like um uh joey fatone from in sync you know i've met now a couple fun guy you know we never really spoke um but i know that you know but i'm you know in 2013 2014 at a no for no reason i would just tweet you know you know crazy stuff about joey fatone for no reason i would you know like, you know, there was no, I don't even actually remember what I would, I would like just random days.
I'd be like, Hey, what's up? Good morning on this beautiful Wednesday. I just want to say, I fucking hope Joey Fatone falls off a cliff.
For no reason. For literally zero, zero, zero.
Does he remember that shit or no? No, no, no. But you know, now I know people are close friends with him.
I've been around him a couple times. He's such a great guy that I regret doing it.
But I was literally tweeting stuff back then. I've tweeted.
I was talking to Don DePetta about this, who I always travel with, who just got a haircut. I think it looks very nice.
Maybe he shaved his beard, too. He shaved his beard.
He looks good. He looks like a good boy.
And I told him that there's so many things when people weren't listening people weren't listening at all in 2011 i would just tweet and think it was funny to the hundred people in different times and then sometimes they'll pop up or a guy around my social media would say hey you know do you want me to permanently delete this tweet and i always say no i'm just like whatever but like i would just say not shit back then that you, could cause a lot of harm today.

I want to know who you're talking about.

Well, I, we can blank it.

No, here's what I'm saying.

So what I'm saying is that there's one guy that I wasn't that huge a fan of, and maybe

I would make fun of or whatever, but when I actually sum in person, I acted like, like

a fucking bitch.

Who?

Who?

Corey Feldman.

Wow.

So I was like at a premiere and I was sitting next to Kalilah and Ike Barinholtz was sitting here and I looked to my left and I go, oh my God, it's Corey Feldman. Wow.
So I was like at a premiere and I was sitting next to Kalilah and Ike Barinholtz was sitting here and I looked to my left and I go, oh my God, it's Corey Feldman. And you got so tight.
You got all- I got so shy. You got hyped up about it.
It's Corey Feldman. Did he even acknowledge you? And I looked over and I walked up to him and I go, hey, and his bodyguard, he goes, hey, I'm a big fan.
And then Corey put his sunglasses down and he goes, hello. And you know how they should shake like this? And then you have to reach out.
Right? It's not this. I don't like that.
No, I love it. This is so fucked up.
Not this. It's like mini Hitler.
This. They leave a gap.
So you put your fingers in there. And you slide it.
Whoa. You Pac-Manned it? Yeah, yeah.
You Pac-Manned it. It's like a toaster.
And you put your fucking hand in there. How long do you leave it in for? Two or three? Two minutes.
Yeah. Yeah, I want it like medium burn.
Are you still friends with him? What? Are you still friends with him? Never got his number, nothing. But he goes, hello, like this.
Put his sunglasses. He went like this.
He went like this. And the bodyguard goes, big fan.
And he goes, doesn't even look at me. He goes, hello.
Then I stuck stuck my finger there for two minutes right right and then i walked back i want cory feldman on this show get on this show cory if you want to fucking come on the show the only thing that happened i'm a you know grew up you know in new york big yankees fan new york yankees fan and bernie williams the center fielder for the yankees was always my favorite baseball then out of nowhere, one day, I got a message from Bernie Williams Instagram. You know, it wasn't him.
This guy runs it. He was like, hey, Bernie Williams knows your comedy.
His daughter is a fan. He wants to know if you want to perform at his 50th birthday party.
All the Yankees will be there. Joe Torre and A-Rod and Jeter and Pasada, all these guys.
And for me, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I have to do this.
This is like a dream come true. And I went out there for Bernie Williams' 50th birthday in a room this size.
It was a private, obviously, party with the classic, you know, four World Series title winning New York Yankees. And I absolutely bombed for 15 minutes in front of them all to the point where Bernie Williams Bernie Williams was like on his own you know while I was bombing like started clapping me off he was like happy birthday to me happy birthday to me yeah and now what are you feeling when that's happening it literally I swear to god I was locking eyes with joe tory who was like the legendary you know manager of the team and he did not crack a smile nothing he was just looking at me i almost felt like he was saying like just dude please sir just stop stop stop it the only person who was laughing was bernie williams manager who booked me who thought it was absolutely hilarious and i was just watching you bomb must be the funniest thing imaginable.
Well, you laugh a lot, I'm sure. You're trying to laugh your way out.
Because you're not going to care. I think in your mind, you're smiling.
You have a smirk. Right.
And you know you're bombing. Yes.
You know. You're self-aware.
I'm self-aware. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, I'm self-aware. I felt the sweat running down my back onto the top of my ass crack, even though it was the middle of the winter.
Yeah. I saw i mean not caring i did the best i absolutely could i cursed way too much there were kids in the audience it was absolutely the wrong choice yeah um and and i ate it i ate it really really hard in front of my absolute hero not even that much money was an opportunity it was just an opportunity wow and then i bought and then i did the same thing about four years later for the owner of the new york mets i bombed even harder i swear to god i bombed even harder for the new york mets staff and tommy mottola tommy mottola was there yeah great guy famous music famous music producer and i said i was bombing again hard and i said to him i said tommy i said tommy mottola um i said tommy you know uh your ex-wife mariah carey i said i i had a picture up of her in my locker and again you know just i didn't even know where that was gonna go why i don't know i have no idea why and he goes uh and he said you know uh something happened i said something after that and then tommy mitola in the middle of it he goes yeah he goes why don't you talk about my ex-wife again he goes that was a good one Shopify guys you know Andrew and I bad friends we have an online store we sell stuff online and Shopify is the way to go if you're gonna do that guys when I started podcasting an online store was the furthest thing from my mind now I I'm selling t-shirts and beanies and it's so easy.
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So now you can go any game. Yeah, sometimes bombing pays off.
Wow. Not with the Yankees.
The Yankees have now, the Yankees have said, I'm not like,'m not there anymore. Yeah, but that makes sense.
You can't bomb with the Yankees.

Can't bomb. Can't bomb with the Yankees.
Wow.

Because I'm friends with the Mets, can't do anything

really with the Yankees anymore. Wow.

Kind of lost my Yankees privileges. But you're a diehard Yankees

fan. I am,

but, you know. That's a weird

predicament. It's a weird thing.

I don't like it. Because I'm city first.

The whole thing of having two sports teams in a city just sucks. hate that like chicago it's you there's only one team to choose that's the cubs right it's the cubs the cubs you just choose them yeah you love those bums nobody's gonna root for the white socks but the yankees and mets they both have great fans yeah that's you know that's different you don't get killed if you go to shea stadium no no it's just city field now yeah yeah it No, no, Shea Stadium.
Okay, Shea Stadium. Shouldn't we reserve the name for what it is? Like, I still call it Staples Center.
I don't call it crypto when I go downtown. It's called the Staples Center.
No. I'm not going to give it up.
I'm going to stick it out. You should.
It's not crypto. I'm going to the crypto arena.
They call it the crypto.com arena. If I transition and my name is fucking Barbara, call me Barbara.
Your name is Bobby. No, Barbara.
I met you as Bobby. Your name is Bobby until you died.
If I transition on Barbara. I don't give a shit.
If you cut off your dick in front of me, your name is Bobby. My pussy will be real tight.
It's just B-O-B-B-I-E. That's all it is.
Oh, good point. Yeah.
Oh. Yeah, I would just- Okay, Leah.
Change it. No.
B-O-B-B-I. Can I do like Bobby Althoff like keep the E please alright Bobby I E

okay thank you

I like how he compromised

fight fight fuck it

um

have you ever embarrassed

yourself in front of a celebrity

I don't know if I want

I have one

okay you go

I was at Maria Menounos'

Christmas party

what

ooh yummy

you know who that is

she's beautiful

I don't know who's Maria Menounos

what the fuck are you talking about

but this is 15 years ago

like she doesn't know who I am

yeah

but that year she did

she still doesn't know who you are

yeah

I know

Thank you. She's beautiful.
Everybody knows Maria Menounos. What the fuck are you talking about? But this is 15 years ago.
Like, she doesn't know who I am. Yeah.
But that year she did. She still doesn't know who you are.
Yeah, I know. Maria Menounos doesn't fucking know.
Maria Menounos thinks you hosted the Golden Globes. Did you see John Choi on the Golden Globes? He's so cute.
He was fun. He was good.
Yeah. The audience didn't get him.
They didn't get it. They didn't get it.
So I did a movie with her. What movie? It was a Jamie Cater.
They were kicking her old school. Oh, kicking it.
She's in that. Right? She's like the love interest.
So I'm at her party and I'm like by myself sitting at a couch in some backyard. I'm sitting next to a guy.
I swear to fucking God, I thought he was like a software engineer you know he's wearing glasses you know me a white dude white nerd yeah like he's editor he looks like an editor okay right right so he's like hey you do comedy go yeah yeah killing it i like to kind of look at him like that because i don't like no one else will talk to me steven spielberg no it's no but he goes what's it like i go yeah i'm just playing these Ruined $150, $200 selling them out. So you're boasting.
I'm boasting. Yeah, you said the shit.
Like an idiot.

Yeah. even spielberg no it's no but he goes what's it like i go yeah i'm just playing these rooms 150 200 selling them out so you're boasting i'm boasting yeah like an idiot yeah in this movie you know we'll see what happens and i talk about myself for like 30 minutes for 30 minutes i talk about myself right and i was when i was leaving i got off i got see you later dude and i walk up and then And then I forgot it was Jamie or somebody came up to me.

He goes, dude, what's Josh Groban like?

Oh, there's Josh Groban.

Yeah.

And I go, what?

You're just talking to Josh Groban for like 30 minutes.

You had no idea.

No.

I had heard as the name.

I just couldn't put a face to the name.

And then shame.

No.

Oh, seriously. The Grobes still likes that.
No, I still want to turn around go dude i'm i'm a loser yeah no no no no what you're having is you're having that that spotlight kind of thing where you think they're thinking about you and upset it but he didn't he didn't know he had no but i know but if he's selling out probably theaters or whatever he's selling out right i'm saying i'm selling out the Sacramento punchline. It doesn't fucking look good.
Yeah, but he's not a comic, so it's different. It's different.
If he was a comedian, it'd be weirder, but he's a musician. It's two different worlds.
I guarantee you. You're a big star.
I guarantee you. If you're listening, I've got nothing.
Bobby, I guarantee you. I've got nothing.
I'm sure he remembers this conversation. I guarantee you.
Fuck you, dude. I guarantee you.
Josh Groban, thank you so much. Josh Groban went home.
I guarantee you, Josh Groban went home, told his wife or partner, he said, we got to go see Margaret Cho. She just told me how well she's doing.
And then he went and saw Margaret Cho and she couldn't understand why he was at the show because she thought he was with you. So it's fine.

Very good.

Did I tell the Australian story about Russell Crowe?

No. You told me.

No, that's the best story. You gotta say that story.

Say the story because you know what? I'm gonna take

the bar from Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics. You never step

in the same river twice. That's right.

I also gotta say that. I think

I'm doing a movie with him. With Russell? With Russell Crowe.

In two months. So should I be careful? It's like locked

in, so it's like... Are you a gladiator too?

No. What? Are you a gladiator too?

Are you a gladiator too?

Dude, dude.

You got a present. Yeah, let's see what the gift that you gave us.

Yeah, go fuck yourself. No, no, no.
Bobby.

All right, all right. Hold on.

Let me see. Fancy brought us something back from Spain.
There he bobby oh no i know what it is a little butt crack i know what it is it's a it's probably something that's gonna make me take a nap oh weed no i know what it is this is from fancy brought us back from spain because he got back from spain spain oh look at this is this an ashtray no what is a stupid mask is it a it's a porcelain mask is that for the next pandemic what is that no get out of here actually honestly these are cool dude yeah these are very pretty and what is this is going to be broken he threw it on the floor his fingers are all bloody yeah does this go on my wall these are great now is this for good luck yes the price tag's in here no 6.99 fucking cheap these are beautiful oh look at this one that one looks more like you yes because those the eyes are closer what is this one this is not luck yeah it's death i see is it death so fancy explain what What are these are these called what is this called it's called sargadelo which is uh a ceramic company sargadelo in galicia what does sargadelo mean and there's no it doesn't mean anything it's just the name of the of the guy who okay who created it and it's all based on like the mythology of the celtic uh region where galicia is from wow so did you just said? No, but these are one of those things 200 years from now, like at the Antique Rogue Show. It's going to be worth like 500 grand.
Yeah, yeah. Easily.
It could be because it has one of those marks. So I could see it at an antique store and somebody just buying it for a dollar and then going to Antique.
Some guys are like, this is a Salganadano. I don't even know where you got this from.
Yes. But the fact that you have a Salgadelo.
Yeah, yeah. You know, in good condition, these things would auction for anywhere between $250,000 to $400,000.
This, my friend, is in impeccable condition. A Sargadelo like I've never seen.
I mean, he still has the box. Oh, my God, in the box and the papers.
Rarely do we ever see the box. We never see the box.
I would value this at anywhere

between $700,000 and $4.8

billion

given an auction. This is very

nice, Fancy. Thank you so very much.
Are you going to put that

up in the house, the Sacradellos? This is going to go in my

garage. There you go.
My

fucking house? What are you, out of your mind? No way.

I value my home. There you go.

We should bring this to an antique store

and see how long it would take for them to sell it. You know what's going to really happen.
We're going to leave it in the studio and never see it again. Oh, that's right.
That's right. Can I have it? No.
Bring back a gift for my kids? No. Shut up, dude.
Stupid, dude. So here I am.
I was down in Australia shooting that movie and we were out. I'm going to say it.
Well, Rick Sinicki. It says, come on.
Yeah. Well, we're out.
I was at where this is too many names, but we were at Zac Efron's house and we were drinking and hanging out. And then Pete Fairley, the director, calls and goes, hey, do you want to go to Russell Crowe's house? And immediately I was like, yeah, what the fuck? Of course I want to go to.
But there's a little bit of social anxiety come up, even a tad bit like shit, don't blow it in front of Russell Crowe, even though I know you've been around everybody. No no because i we were with so many people i knew it wasn't a small get-together there were already people at his house so it made me feel comfortable in that if it was just us i'd be a little fucked up about it right i'd be like i don't want to go to gladiator's house right so uh he's like yeah dude he's got a great crib he's gonna have us over so we're drinking and and uh i'm getting a little stony and we show up to the gladiator's house and it's exactly the way you think it would be.
It's fucking beautiful. I mean, beautiful.
On the water and everything. Yeah.
I don't deserve to be there. I took my shoes off and then one of the guys was like, put your shoes back on.
I took my shoes off because I thought, don't you take your shoes off? I mean, you people do. Don't you take your shoes off? Yeah.
When I go to people's houses, I take my shoes off. Well, I always, because my family's Puerto Rican, I take my shoes off, but I always have a backup pair of chancletas.
He's a legendary actor, right? A-list. A-list, legendary.
Legend. If I was walking to like Robert De Niro's house, I'd be very aware about not touching things.
I wouldn't go. I wouldn't probably go.
I'd blow it. But my point is that there are some people like that that and then there are some people who are like, ah, fuck it.
I'm going to throw the glass down. Yeah.
So who would be, like Steve Buscemi, would you be nervous going to his house? No, he lives in a house. I know, right? He would live in a condo or something, right? Yeah.
Buscemi lives in some kind of weird shed. I would go to that one for sure.
Buscemi, yes. Yeah, yeah.
And staring his teeth teeth on me. Goldblum.
I'd want to see Goldblum. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That'd be fun. I'd want to see where he lives.
I'd want to see where Tom Cruise lives. I'd want to see where he lives.
Really? You wouldn't? Would you go to his party? I would go to Tom Cruise's party. I would 100% go to Tom Cruise's party.
Hey, what's up, man? You got to take off all your clothes before you come in. Sure.
Leave your shoes on, but take your clothes off. They say he knows everybody's name.
He remembers everybody's name, Tom Cruise. That's supposedly what it is.
That's my house on Staten Island. Dude, I would go to one Tom Cruise party, but you wouldn't make it out.
Right. You'd have to stay.
Right. That's what I've heard.
They'd stay. Once you go in, you don't come out.
Yeah. Well.
You know, get out. He does get in.
Get in. Get in.
Did I ever tell you my Phil Collins story when I met Phil Collins? No. No.
I told the story. I thought I told it here.
Maybe I didn't. It's on one of my specials.
But so I get to go. I get invited to the Knicks game.
Right. This is like 2016.
So it was Easter Sunday and the Knicks and Philadelphia 76ers were the bottom of the league. They were the last place NBA teams.
So nobody wanted to go on Easter Sunday and sit courtside at the Knicks game. I had never gotten a call.
I knew some people at MSG, but I never gotten the call to sit courtside. So they call me the morning of.
They're like, listen, we got two empty seats. You can sit courtside.
OK, bring somebody. Don't talk to anybody.
OK, this is, you know, Madison Square Garden. Don't talk.
Don't talk to anybody. They said there probably will be a couple.
They said we know there are a couple of other big celebrities are going to be sitting around you guys. Don't acknowledge them.
Don't talk to them like, you know, we're giving you this opportunity, you know, for whatever. But it's because it was Easter Sunday and it was the last place teams and people didn't want to go.
So I call my dad. So my father's like 100% I'm in.
You know, we used to sit in the upper, you know, rafters, whatever. So we go and we sit down and my dad immediately start.
I was sitting here. My dad was in the middle and then there was famous guy sitting next to him and my dad immediately starts talking to this guy just immediately starts talking to him chatting him up talking about crazy shit you know and i don't i i swear to god i didn't even look over to see who it was because i was like wildly embarrassed but i'm not going to tell my dad not to say anything so i hear my dad telling this guy that his son's a comedian.
I hear. And then, and then so, and my dad, he's talking and my dad goes, Chris, where, where, where, where are you again next week? And I might, this guy might come to show, I swear to Christ, I was performing at Bananas Comedy Club.
I've been there. It's inside of Holland Express in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.
I've done it. It's off the side of Route 17.
17 yeah so i it wasn't it wasn't even remotely close to being sold out like i had yeah i had sold like 100 tickets over you know the course of a weekend is that the old jewish couple that own it yes yeah i go after you're done i gotta tell you something yeah okay so so i'm like bananas comedy club he goes yeah so i i said you know don't bananas comedy club down but i said we're not supposed to be talking to these people like just let's watch the game and i hear my dad immediately They go, yeah, Bananas Comedy Club. That's where it'll be.
If you are in New York, you know, Don't Bananas Comedy Club, Dad. But I said, we're not supposed to be talking to these people.
Like, just let's watch the game. And I hear my dad immediately go, yeah, Bananas Comedy Club.

That's where it'll be.

If you're in New York, you know, come through.

And then I'm like, okay.

So my dad, you know, is talking, whatever.

He had Easter candy.

Okay.

The guy, my dad was talking to him.

Easter candy.

And he's giving my dad Easter candy.

And I'm like, and my dad's like, you want a Cadbury?

What do you want?

I was like, I don't want any candy.

Just trying to watch the game.

So they put so they put they put phil my father's talking to phil collins he had no idea he had no idea who phil he has no idea what phil collins is doesn't know anything they put phil collins up on the jumbotron kiss cam with your dad no they put him up on the jumbotron yeah and they i've never seen this they play you know normally they just throw a picture up or whatever right they play coming in the air tonight and i've never seen this in madison square garden during a live game you know during a timeout they put the lights down and then put this guy in the jumbotron and he got a standing ovation yeah because he's phil collins okay yeah and my dad turns to me goes who the fuck is he and i go dad that's phil collins yeah yeah within five seconds of the lights coming down yeah i have my head down i'm like oh that was pretty cool yeah i see the with the cameras. Yeah.
And I see their shoes stop right in front of me. Wow.
And they take the camera and the lady comes over. I swear to Christ, the lady from the Knicks staff comes over.
She goes, Chris DeStilacolo? I said, DeStefano. She goes, you're up next.
I said, what do you mean? She goes, we're going to put you on the Jumbotron. Just wave.
It'll be great.

They put me on the Jumbotron.

I swear to Christ, they put me on the Jumbotron.

I have video footage of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They put me on the Jumbotron.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolute pin drop silence.

I swear to God.

Nobody's saying anything.

I swear to Christ.

And this is not a bit.

I swear to Christ.

Yeah.

The only thing I feel is my father's hand rubbing my back. And he's going, it's going to be all right, Chris.
It's going to be all right. And then I swear to Christ, I'm getting my back rubbed by my dad.
Yeah. As soon as it's over, all of a sudden, a hand reaches across.
It's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy, a bag of Cadbury eggs. And he goes, and he goes, it's going to be all all right that's what he said oh really oh my god I swear to Christ and then but then my dad so that was like a horrific experience but then because of the bomb and all that and my dad has just got like that gift again Phil Collins like loved my dad like they were talking he fucking loved my dad wow then he started asking me he's like oh so you do comedy and I said, whatever.
And he was like, well, you know, if they're putting you up there, they must think you have potential. So just keep going.
Wow. I was like, and look, did the people know, though, who you were then? Maybe because you're a New York guy, no, or? No, no.
Now, no, no, not at all. No, no, no.
Because you're a New York guy. No.
There's nine million people guy they know you yeah no no they did not they did not and it was it was yeah it was wild tell me about the old jewish company uh family at go bananas oh i didn't forget it why i'm gonna top that story man that story was so good it was a good story phil fucking Collins. Phil Collins, bro, but it was, you know.

I can feel it coming

in the edge of night.

Jive night?

I'm just copying what you said, bud.

Okay.

Oh no.

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Yep.

And she was like, something about-

I get it.

Something about this bald.

No, no, she loved your bald and your hair.

It's like Stavros.

Stavros is another reason.

Like she was obsessed with his head.

She was like, she goes, tell him not to shave his sides.

It's like, you look so bad, it's good.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm sure we've talked about this before, how they're like, they're switched. Like, like Carlos, like the way Fancy talks, his name should be Carlos and Carlos should be Fancy.
Like when Fancy starts talking, like I got you a gift. That guy's name should be Carlos.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're right. But then, and then, and then, and then.
But do you know what his real name is? Fancy's real fabrizio yes yeah yeah fabrizio no his name is andres oh yes andres which is just andrew in spanish right just me in spanish carlos physically assaulted me in the original room like physically literally physically a couple nights ago oh well i know look but that's because he looks like ari shafir that's too yeah did you not and i. What did you do? No, no, no.
Bobby, you called me and apologized for what you did. What did you do? Bobby threw water on me in the OR.
Oh. What the hell is that about, dude? Half the audience during someone's set.
Bro. The thing is.
Who was on stage? I think Adam Ray. He can take the bit.
Why did he throw water? He threw water. No, what Carlos and McCone do from our show.
Yes, you do. No, I don't.
Yes, you do. I don't, bro.
You did. I did that one time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do all the time.
What they do is they pull their weight, their bad friends weight, and they sit in the booths in the back in the original room where the comics sit. They told me I should.
Shut the fuck up for a second, okay? The paid regulars can only sit.

You know what it is like in the cellar, that corner booth?

Yes.

For comics only.

And literally, I walk in the OR and they're sitting.

They're smoking?

No, but yeah, there's nothing in their fingers.

You guys are doing this and not even smoking?

And you know what Carlos did?

He did the fucking.

Wow.

He did the Corey Feldman?

He passed the Matthew?

Wow.

That's fucked.

Sitting there

And it drove me crazy

I just threw water on them

I get that

So I got up and grabbed his dick

Yeah

Oh that's not okay

Yeah

Do you want to clear the air?

Well I want to apologize for that

For real

But also something happened

At the airport with your mom

That we never told you

Uh oh

Okay

Okay

Is it going to upset me?

Yeah.

Is it what I did with her in the lounge?

In the Delta lounge?

It's worse.

Oh, shit.

That was bad what you did.

Tell it to me.

Tell it to me.

I'm fine.

Okay.

I want to look in the camera, this camera right here.

I'm embarrassed.

And I'm going to be real.

I know.

In my real reaction.

Go ahead.

Carlos gave her a bump of coke.

No, when she was going to her gate, we were in different terminals and she didn't want us to help her anymore because she was over it. And when I was hugging her, I hit her in the face really hard.
Like I swung my arm at her. You physically assaulted Bob's mom? And she was like, oh, it it's okay but then i was like super apologetic but i definitely hit bobby's mom so you gave her cte wow wow that's so fucked up dude it's not right i was sober bro what i was sober at the time yeah i was how do you feel bob i get to hit.
I get to hit your mom. He gets to hit your mom as hard as he can.
Close-fisted, too. Yes.
She can take it. She's young.
All right, yeah. Yeah.
And she's Mexican, right? Yeah, she's from Mexico. She can take the hit.
There you go. Imagine Carlos' mom is the one that has the hair like him.
My dad's bald. I'm just taking it crazy farther.
It really does look look great when you guys rock it with confidence it looks awesome hell yeah why don't you tell bobby what's up oh tell

bobby now that you started tell him what's going on tell him what you told me be honest the honest moment of bad friends okay okay when andrew walked in earlier i didn't him this. And it was actually, it was hard for me to say, but I have three days sober now.
I went out. Had a little slip up.
Yeah. That's what I told him.
It's all good. It was hard though.
I didn't intend to drink that night and then I drank and it was the same thing. It was crazy.
Because you went on a date. Yeah.
And you felt pressure to drink. Yeah.
I felt nervous. So I had a martini.
Did she order a drink? Yeah, well, I bought her a drink. No, but I'm saying like who ordered first? She wanted a drink.
It was like, yeah, we're going to get drinks. Did you tell her I don't drink? I didn't say that.
Yeah. Are you afraid to say that to a girl when you're on a date? Right now I am.
Yeah. I mean, you know.
That's normal. Yeah.
You know what they say, right? For the first year of sobriety.

What do they say?

Go to a meeting every day.

No, that should be in a relationship.

Oh, I saw.

OK, should be in a relationship.

It was tough.

It was to work on yourself.

OK, it's all the same.

And no more glory holes.

But can he can he be out there getting pussy?

No, you're not supposed to.

But I saw a glory hole on a dating app. I think I sent you the picture.
i know you sent me the glory hole picture i trust me i i log all of them but when you said that to me you didn't go to it though i didn't go and i didn't go to the milking table i told you not to go yeah i didn't go okay yeah i didn't go you can't go no just take a year off from glory holes uh yeah i think so dude dude is that It's not in the book, but what I'm saying. That seems like the first step.
I was talking to Jimmy Schubert the other day. You know Jimmy, right? So funny, Jimmy Schubert.
59 years old. Rips.
Right? You like Jimmy? Rips. Rips.
So funny. Ripper.
He's one of my best buddies. I love him.
Love him, right? He goes, yeah, guy, I'm going to the Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines? He's ripping ass.
Sure. Right? You can rip ass at any age.
You're young. It's still going to be your dick energy.
Look at me. My little dick energy.
Yeah. It's still working, baby.
Nobody calls it rip ass, by the way. I didn't know that.
That's farting. Rip ass is farting.
What do you mean? That's farting. You said Jimmy Schubert's going to the Philippines to fart.
That guy's flying a 17-hour flight just it all out You can still rip ass sexually Hey I'm in the Philippines Dude Jimmy Schubert calls turds sewer pickles Sewer pickles It's always going to be my point You can rip ass your whole life And it's also good that you're Being open and honest i think that's a big thing yeah yeah yeah you gotta yeah that's why i told you today well i'm appreciative and i and we want to keep promoting you to stay stay good thanks bro and stay healthy i put the bottle down no more drinking for me for a while really why it's been gone for a while i don't know i just felt like i needed to how long for how long have you been not drinking the holidays since before the holiday yeah did i inspire you no okay no you don't inspire me at all i said or influence me or no no no you know what it really was was like uh just getting older i don't know yeah i get it i don't know i just i i'm getting a little bit older pain the body pains are a little bit different now and you have a couple and yeah i don't know and i don't want to end up looking like andres you know what i mean how old is andres fucking 13. did you enjoy some of your time in hispania yeah it was nice it was good it was good good to see family are they proud of you they don't know what i'm doing i i hide this from you're embarrassed about this yes wow a lot of people are wait you're embarrassed about working for bad friends.
Well, yes. No, I get it.
No, I don't. I don't get it.
I get it.

I don't get it I get it I don't get it We're one of the top podcasts on planet Earth No, I know, but Conquistadors, the history of these guys Viceroy? Yeah Right I mean, he'll tell you all the history of Spain Give us a quick synopsis of the history of Spain, go Me? Yeah No, I only know America Oh, you don't know Spain? Well only well i know i know spain you know had territories in the united states you know that's why cuban people speak spanish and how influential the spanish colonial empire was the invincible armada or you would say the invincible armada i know them but i don't know the history of actual mainland spain i don't know it as well other than they're like you know they're the original you know, people speak Spanish and most countries that speak Spanish is because Spain conquered them. Right.
Mexico Mexico is not, they don't speak Spanish. Puerto Ricans don't speak Spanish.
It's just the Spain this is what it is about when people attack white people. It's like, well then you have to attack Spanish people too.
Because they were worse than our whites. Yeah.
And you know who was the absolute worst? Asians. Well, they are the most right.
The Japanese are the worst. No, Koreans are the worst.
And Koreans very bad. No, they're not.
We read on this show that they have the largest unbroken chain of slavery in the history of the world. Korea.
Aside from that though. What? That's it.
That's it. That were great.
That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it. It's insane.
Yeah, but do China, the countries that Japan occupied, do they speak Japanese? No. They let them keep their language.
Right. But the Spanish did not.
You talk like we talk. Yeah.
What do you mean? That's the Spanish accent? Yeah. The Spanish Inquisition, very bad Spanish Inquisition.
But people just want to talk about whites. Oh, you want to talk about white people being...
What about the Spanish Inquisition? Very not good. No bien.
No bien. No bien.
I think they consider us white. Right.
Who does? Not us. Exactly.
I'm not inviting you to the party. Let me see your papers.
Where were you on Jan 6? Were you there? Did you go to the anniversary? I was looking. Yeah, he was thinking about it.
For me, Jan 6 was a hell of a holiday this year because it was my holiday, of course, storming the Capitol, but then also it's Little Christmas. I know.
You said that. It's so wild.
That's the Puerto Rican Little Christmas. So I had a big, big day.
That was my big day of the year. Little Christmas.
Little Christmas. Pequeña Navidad.
Pequeño Navidad. What do you do on Little Christmas? Three Kings.
Three Kings Fest. And then, you know, in Puerto Rico, I give my family gifts wrapped up in aluminum foil.
And they abuse that foil to clean with it. Yes.
They're going to go fucking scrub the grill. Yes, and then I say, come on, this is what we're going to take our lunch with.
Best day of the year. Best day.
When you pack the kids' lunch, what's the lunch that you pack? So, like, sometimes when Jazz makes lunch, she makes, like, good, you know, like, lunch for them, like, sandwiches and stuff. Who's Jazz? Who's Jazz? My girl.
Jasmine. My girlfriend.
My girlfriend, the mother of my kids. But the other day, my kids, Jazz, she'll have early, she's a fitness instructor, so she'll have early classes sometimes, and she asks me to pack the kids' lunch.
and the other day my kids jazz she'll have early uh she's a fitness instructor so she'll have early classes sometimes and she asked me to pack the kids lunch and the other day i didn't i had no idea what to give them for lunch so i just took out tupperwares and i gave them leftover tortellini alfredo and then they couldn't eat it because it was like frozen together and they called the school like you know they're like that she you know kids have no lunch they They can't eat this lunch. And Jasmine was like, what did you give them for lunch? I was like, totally, you know, afraid of and tumblewears.
She was like, are you a fucking asshole? Why would you do that? I was like, what did you want me to have a microwave at school? Fucking heat it up. No, the kid, they won't let dude, you know what it is crazy with my with how much the world's changed the pandemic.
This is one of the biggest, most fun parts of lunch that they've taken away. My kids in school cannot share their food with their friends.
You can't do trades. You know, I would trade you a Dunkaroo for...
Some kimchi? Yes. Kimchi, by the way.
Probably wouldn't make that trade. Yeah.
Why? I'd be like, don't talk to him. He has nothing good to offer.
Oh, really? Gochijang. No, thank you.
Kimchi jjigae. No.
I would say, Bobby, my food is barking. So, but they won't let them trade food anymore.
It sucks. That is bullshit.
That was such a big thing in school. But you look forward to.
Swapping. Yeah.
Because there was always a kid who had all the good shit. Yeah.
I never got good shit. I never had anything fine.
They made me eat lunch at school.

What?

Yeah, we all,

my kids eat lunch at school.

No, no, no.

They didn't pack.

We had food at school.

Yeah, school lunch.

Yeah, I used to have school lunch too.

The fucking fucked up pizza,

all that stuff.

Tater tots.

Shitty pizza and burgers.

How often did you steal?

Did you steal the food

from the cafeteria?

No, you know what I would do?

I would escape

because we belonged

to Stone Ridge Country Club.

Ooh.

I know.

Your family?

Stop licking your lips

after you say something.

Why, why?

I don't know.

I don't know. I love it.
It's devious. So we went to Stone Ridge.
We would escape, go to Stone Ridge. They had a restaurant.
And because my parents were members, I used to get gourmet hamburgers and then sign it over, right? That's unbelievable you lived like this. Yeah.
Yeah. And then I would go back to school.

Wow.

And people were like eating these fucking ham sandwiches.

I just had a gourmet fucking thick ass French fries.

Oh my God. A Diet Coke.

Steak fries.

Love it.

Yummy.

And a sundae.

I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time.

And I'd put the burgers in my pockets.

I'd have as many burgers I could put in my pockets.

Yeah.

I loved stealing from school.

That was like my favorite thing.

How much shit could I steal? Just steal it all. I was a big thief because i didn't want to pay for it i didn't have any money anyway right my school had did you guys have this in the 80s we had a a fucking whole area with a fence smoking yeah smoking we had smoking yeah yeah we had a smoke in high school no couldn't smoke kids just smoking cigarettes We had a patio off of one of our main, kind of like, oh, actually, it was the freshman, sophomore cafeteria, and there was a junior, senior area, and then off of there was an indoor, there was a patio, and kids could smoke out there.
If you were a senior, you could go out there and smoke. I thought that was so fucking wild because I didn't think much of it until later that I was like, wow, that's crazy that you used to be able to fucking just walk outside and smoke and come back inside.
I was scared because it was the heavy meddlers. It was a cool guy.
And we had Mexican heavy metal people, so they're scary. They're the scariest.
They're the scariest. They all look like Slash.
I hate it because the honey buns, I used to like honey buns. And the honey bun, the machine, the honey bun machine was over by the smoking door.
Yeah. And I fucking never would go over there if there was older kids by the door smoking

because I didn't want them to make fun of me.

Right.

You know, but so if there was nobody outside, I'd go get a honey bun.

But that was my biggest deflection was smokers.

I've been trying to talk about my love life all day, man.

Love life.

You haven't even brought it up once.

And then I want to talk about my love life.

Yeah.

Are you doing good?

Yeah.

Oh, that's great. Mm-hmm.
Okay, go ahead. I have a new theory.
Okay. I'm going to edge love.
Hmm. So you're going to edge love.
You're not going to go... You're not going to go...
Like edging in sex, but love. You're not going to go all the way in with love I'm not even going to meet them Well I don't know if that's edging I'm not going to check it out I think you've misinterpreted what edging is I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying May I explain Like in sex I'm about to come But I don't come That's edging right I'm going to come.
I'm about to come, right? But I don't come.

That's edging, yeah.

That's edging, right?

Yeah.

I'm going to see her.

I'm going to see her.

I'm not going to see her.

Right?

So that mystery and that, you know what I mean?

Like what's going to happen is always there.

And then you just never see each other.

Could you be filling this time doing something constructive?

What do you mean, man? I don't't know like comedy or job or like anything

No this is side stuff

But you're not really doing it

Yes I am doing it

It's like you're mapping out the plans to a building and you're never going to build it

That's exactly, you're edging architecture

Why would you be an architectural edger?

What?

Why?

Because it's like a dream of it

Because what I realize is once you hook up

It loses that magic

Sure

Well that's a piece of it yeah

It's all about the chase

Thank you. Because it's like a dream of it.
Because what I realize is once you hook up, it loses that magic. Sure.
Well, that's a piece of it. Yeah.
It's all about the chase, the anticipation of it all. The hunt is better than the kill.
Right. So it's like, what? I said such a drug addict.
That's a drug addict thing? Of course. You're chasing the endorphins of it.
That is the definition of what you're doing. Yeah, because I realize being single and once you do it, and then once you're in the smashing and you come and you do all that, it loses something.
So I'm just going to try this for the next year. This is, dude, this is why TikTok, every girl on there is like, men are fucking me up.
Why? Because this is going to fuck them up. Are you masturbating to them? No.
You have to. You don't come.
Lie. What? That's a terrible lie.
Yeah. In yeah in fact last night i haven't masturbated in four days and what you haven't i'm not i'm not revealing this but i swear to god four days i didn't masturbate last night i go you know what bobby deserves a little session right so you know my you know the um i have a machine i have a machine suck master 3000 Right.
But it broke because I got too much water in it. Because I do it in the bathtub.
Right. So, like, the electrical components rusted.
Rusted? Yes. I put the batteries in their ankles.
Are you sitting in the tub just fucking it? Why do you do it in the bathtub? I have to do it in the bathtub. You have a water jerk? Yeah.
He likes to sit at 90 degrees when he comes. It catches the wall wall.
Yeah. I got too much water and it rusted.
Yeah. So I took the actual vaginal part out.
Yeah. Right.
And I've been gripping that and doing it. Sure.
Sure. That's fine.
So what? What if? No. What if you got rid of the vaginal part and then just gripped it with your hand? Have you ever done that? Yeah.
I've done it so many years with that. Okay.
Tired of it. Oh, you I'm over it So it is Did it I know when I would get When I would get bored of like my hand I would jerk off with my catcher's mitt That's what I'm saying Yeah Right So yeah so that part You're talking about your girlfriend's face Hey Let me finish my thing So last night I'm in the bathtub and i i was like fuck i can't fuck it yeah yeah right so i'm gonna edge it all oh you're edging all of it i'm edging all of it dude what do you guys think i i mean i think we voiced it halfway through it's a bad idea i think it's gonna work i think it sounds like a bad idea does it sounds like let me try it though think what about abstinence in general? Just say no thank you to everything and that you don't have to set yourself up.
Because I like the cutesy shit.

Okay.

That's fine.

I like the babes.

Right.

You want to be a cutesy pussy.

Hey, babe.

Hey, babe.

My podcast every Thursday.

Yeah, go check that out with Sal Vulcano.

What?

What's your love?

You want to talk about yours?

Oh, well, no.

I was...

You sounded like you wanted to.

I don't know. I was going to think of a Kalilah joke but I couldn't no I'm good oh you want to fuck Kalilah no I actually don't why don't you say it's nicer do you want to hang out with her I don't I love her so much I don't want to fuck the line.
Let's move on. So funny, dude.
I'm crazy. So uncomfortable.
I'm a crazy person. Hey, whatever, dude.
You only live once. Yeah.
This might all be a simulation. You ever think about this? Let me put this theory out.
If you've ever heard this. If you've ever heard this.
What about this? This was brought up by my podcast partner, Mike Cannon, who's with me now on my podcast every week, Chrissy Chaos. Is that that little guy there? No, no.
Mike Cannon's back on the East Coast. That's Don DePetta.
That's little Don. And then Steve Ciccone-Ricerone.
Yeah. Steve Ciccone-Ricerone.
Where do you get a little Manson guy like that? A little Stevie like that? Yeah, yeah. I got him at Guitar Center.
Yeah. He was on the shelf.
He's got the handsome structure of the face, but if he was taller, it'd be good. But he's so small, so it ruins it.
Right. Yeah.
He's like a wish.com version of another man. It's almost there, but not.
Tom, you're going to do shows down. This will be out by the time you already did them.
Are you doing Embraer? Where are you at? No, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater in San Diego, and then I'm doing the Wiltern Theater in LA. And let me tell you, I got two words, big mistake.
Kids about 50% sold on both shows. Big mistake.
Where's the Wiltern? Huge. When's the Wiltern? Saturday, this Saturday.
It'll sell. We'll tweet about it.
I literally have 50% of the room sold on both. I was like trying to beg my agent.
I was like, can we just cancel? And he was like, no. Bring up Christy comedy right now.
Yes. And I also need help in Nashville at the Ryman.
Kid bit off more than he can. We love.
We had a great time at the Ryman. At the Ryman, yeah.
Do upcoming shows there. Upcoming shows.
Yeah, I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of comedy. No, dude.
No, you're not. I don't know why.
It's an honest feeling. I'm hoping it's going to go away.
The Wiltern. There it is.
Fuck me. Let's see.
Let's see how bad. Go to the seat view map.
We'll just see what it is. Yeah, we want to see what it looks like.
Let's see what a shit fest this is. No, what do you mean? The floor's totally sold.
No, dude. Go to the arrow up top.
But I'll tell you what. See the plus symbol? Yes.
Go to the plus symbol in the top right. See it? Click on that.
Okay, okay. What do you mean? That's sold.
That's sold out. Andrew, Andrew.
No, you know what they do here. They're blocking out seats on the digital map so it forces you to buy.
That's, I don't think I've sold, though. You're sold out.
I think there's would you're selling out no you're selling out i'm telling you there's no way i have that many tickets bob and i are going to promote it you're selling fine you're not going to come to our city and not sell out fine yeah but it wasn't missing i'd be when i come to la we probably should just do the comedy clubs that's probably the better idea well here's the problem it's like with me and this guy in new york like i'll be i'll see you in a week when i go to new york i someone's like, hey, do you want to go play? What did I play that you came to? I played City Town Hall. Town Hall, yeah.
And they were like, you want to do that again? No, I'd rather just play the cellar and whatever and work out because it's a workout city. LA is tough too.
It's a workout city. We're all here.
Yeah, and I also did the Brea Improv, the Oxen Improv. Well, those are good because they're away.
Right, but I would assume it has something to do with- don't you just do irvine and improv you know i so much money i should have i should i it was i probably next year moving forward you know if i hey we're playing reno we're doing the grand sierra i'm all i mean that my tickets there are so beyond dog shit it's unbelievable what a full fucking zero i am what are we at really no you what's funny? I have like 500 tickets sold out. If there's 2,500 seats, I mean, let it load.
I mean, there is, you cannot imagine. I think I have 10% of the room sold there.
I'm just going because the next day I'm interviewing Jerry Rice at the Super Bowl. Oh.
That's cool, right? Wait, you're in Reno what day? February 8th, Friday. We're there on the 3rd.
We're there before you. Scheisse.
Yeah, but our tickets are bad in Reno too. You know why? Fucking casino.
It's a casino in Reno. It's a nice guarantee up front, so that's why I took it.
And I love state capital, so Carson City's capital of Nevada is 20 minutes away, but I mean, they're laughable. The only one I'm doing good in is the Warner Theater in D.C.
That one's almost sold out. Hey guys, let's be the comics that only do clubs now we should we just want to make the money it's just too it's just it's too much we're playing 10 shows at big theaters come after that after all right yeah i was like what the fuck and then i do a segura thing in the summer and after that right clubs but yeah yeah let's talk about our little beef you're leaving me for segura huh oh come on no go ahead and say it go ahead and tell the world what you did i call him up he goes out to hawai Segura he does a show for him and then he tells me I'm gonna do a bunch of shows with Segura later too wow you're leaving me for Segura six what's that about six shows that's as many as we're doing in the new year right we did 50 you and I yeah right yeah and then you're a bonafide one of the greatest headliners you know what I mean not me no so I'm wherever the wind takes me, I go.
No, it's okay. If that's how you want to end this whole thing, it's fine.
It's not, we're not ending. Dude.
If this is how you want to- Shut the fuck up! See? See what he's doing? Let me see. I'm sorry, guys.
Yeah. All right.
I want to say something real in here, dude. Tom Segura.
I mean, he's famous. Yeah, you know what? You know what, Bobby? You know what I think you've been hearing in your head, in your Asian head? I think you've been hearing, you've been mispronouncing the word loyalty for loyalty.

Loyalty.

You think you're loyalty, but you need loyalty.

So that L and R is a big one for you right now.

Thank you, Chris.

You think you're loyalty, but we're saying loyalty.

Loyalty.

You want to talk about loyalty?

You want to talk about loyalty right now, dude?

What?

Are we doing Australia?

Yeah, we are.

Guess who's not going?

Russell Crowe.

Right.

Listen, I'm doing six shows.

I'll never do it again.

No, no, it was... Are we doing Australia? Yeah, we are.
Guess who's not going? Russell Crowe.

Right.

Listen, I'm doing six shows.

I'll never do it again.

No, no, it's okay.

Does it hurt my feelings?

Yeah, it does. It really does?

Yeah, a little bit.

Are you being real?

Yes, Tom Segura.

Those guys?

You're going to go with those guys?

Me, Tom, and Jessica's curse on.

I love Jessica Curson.

But Tom Segura?

Yeah. He doesn't need two lesbians.
He's such a nice, but Tom Segura? Yeah.

He's such a nice guy to me.

He doesn't need two lesbians.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Oh my god, DeStefano is here.

Dude, I haven't seen you in so long.

My little fucking boy.

Yeah, go ahead. That's why they don't have Asians on these shows.
Honestly, start Asian hate again. you Woo-hoo Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah