A Case Of Lululemon ft. Chris Distefano

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Speaker 1 Hey guys, bad friends. Listen, this is the last day.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow is the last day. I mean, tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts.
Tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts.

Speaker 1 And hopefully, I'll be winning the competition because I'm ahead right now. This is a better.
Well, I'm ahead right now. So

Speaker 1 go to badfriendsmerch.com to get these. Badfriendsmerch.com.
Also, we only have a chunk of dates left. Temecula Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson.

Speaker 1 And we end in Vegas on 420, man. Come, check us out.
Check us out at badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.
You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 We're back, baby. You ready?

Speaker 1 Sing us a song.

Speaker 1 Idiomine is my friend. No, he's not.

Speaker 1 I'm sure he will be at the end. Yes, he will.
That's it.

Speaker 1 That really bummed me out.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year to you.

Speaker 1 New Year

Speaker 1 is over. Give me the love.
No. Give me the truck and give me the fudge.

Speaker 1 I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 Chris DeStefano is down in town and we love him. He's thicky, thicky legs and a lot of gums in his mouth.

Speaker 1 Keep going. I'm just trying to do some things that AI won't be able to copy.
No, AI is going to copy all of them.

Speaker 1 They can't do that. Yeah, they will.

Speaker 1 They can't do that. Your AI was going to be hilarious.
Yes, it's going to be like

Speaker 1 cube shot.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of our oldest and dearest friends who we love so much. It's Chris DeSeverdale.

Speaker 1 And Chris Chaos is looking

Speaker 1 real svelte. My mother used to say Svelte when she meant like thick boy status.
You like that? You're thick boy. You know what it is?

Speaker 1 It's the corduroy shirt. I think corduroy shirts, I don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 I just feel like i'm a i i'm like a blanket what do we no you know what you're doing you're you're doing the mark marin route yeah what's what does that mean that that look the whole look is the mark marron except for the shoes right and the pants marin would never wear tapered off pants oh that's true lululemons i don't think mark marin wear lululemons yeah yeah no no lulu schmelons lululemon although he is sour so he might wear lululemons is that lululemon lululemon do you have a men's department yes okay burn you ready for this what do they i've never i've been in that i've never seen that of course they have a men's department you be in the men's department also it's gender fluid dude it is is.

Speaker 1 Lulu's gender fluid. Do you know about the creator? Do you know why he named it Lululemon?

Speaker 1 Hold on. I am not making it.
Can we make a guess? Yeah. Yes.
Okay, so Lulu. It's got to be somebody's name.
Lemon. It sounds like.
A fruit. No.
You ready? You're good.

Speaker 1 This is. Damn, dude.
You're good. No, I'm not done.
I was putting the two together. Come on.
You know, Sherlock Holmes is on the crime scene. He's got to put the evidence.

Speaker 1 You're Mike. What's this guy's name? I'm Sherlock.

Speaker 1 You're Sherlock? Why can't I be Sherlock? You're a a 100%. Can't I be Sherlock? You're not Sherlock of anything.
Morterardi. Morarti.
You're Moriarty. Moriarty.
Maybe Moriarty. Yeah.
You're Watson.

Speaker 1 I'm home. How are you, Watson? Then you show up at the scene.
Well, now, we've got a case of Lululemon on our hands. What do you think, Watson? Well, I think.

Speaker 1 Will I think? Why? What is Lululemon?

Speaker 1 Why am I eating? Are you Asian again? You gotta be British.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Hello, hello, hello.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know, Sherlock.

Speaker 1 Sherlock, dude.

Speaker 1 Even your British isn't. Hello, hello.

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 Why is it called Lululemon? It's called Lululemon.

Speaker 1 And again, you can Google this because the founder of Lululemon was like a known racist, and he named it that so Chinese people couldn't pronounce it. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, dude, Google it. Google Lululemon founder makes, names it so Chinese can't.
Yeah, funny to watch Japanese people trying to say it.

Speaker 1 oh, this guy's the best.

Speaker 1 Say it, say it, say it. What? Say Lululemon.
Say Lululemon.

Speaker 1 Ruru Remen. Ruru Remen.
Rulu Lemon. So the reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand, Homeless, is because it had an L in it.

Speaker 1 And Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an L in it, so it's not their vocabulary. It's a tough pronunciation for them.

Speaker 1 So I thought, next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get three times the money. It's kind of exotic for them.
This is a direct quote. Whoa.

Speaker 1 I was playing with L's and came up with Lululemon. It's funny to watch them try to say it.
Wilson was quoted as saying, This guy, what's this guy's net worth?

Speaker 1 This guy made so much money being a bigot. And this just shows you, kids, you can be racist and still be rich.
Yes, that whole idea of like racism is bad is not a real idea. Look at Lululemon.

Speaker 1 Made up by the media. Chip Wilson is his name.
Great name. 68 years old, 6.8 billion dollars.
Billion dollars. Say billion.
Billion. See, they can't.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to figure out what's a what's like, let's say we're you know creating a company and we want a top Lululemon. How we could name it?

Speaker 1 Little Lady London.

Speaker 1 Little Little Lady London.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Mary.
It got to be

Speaker 1 H and L's. Yeah, yeah.
Because it goes to Hari. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Harry Mary. No.
Harry Mary's.

Speaker 1 Help out. You're a part of the group.
Harry Mary.

Speaker 1 Because it's got got to be things that we're saying Asian people can't pronounce. Yeah, so a lot of L's and R's, right? R's and L's.
Yeah. Harry Mary's.
Harry Mary Larry's. Harry, Harry,

Speaker 1 Harry, Mary, Harry, Mary, Larry's.

Speaker 1 Contrary. Contrary.

Speaker 1 Little. Yeah.
Little

Speaker 1 Little Lizard loves ladies. Oh, the Little Lizard loves ladies.
That's it. Little Lizards love ladies.
That's our company. That's it.
So the store opens, right? You're a Japanese person.

Speaker 1 No, you are. No, you're the Japanese person.
No, dude. This is the last time.
I'm Chip Wilson.

Speaker 1 I'm the bigot that owns the store. And I'll be a customer.
Yeah. I come in.
All right, so

Speaker 1 I'm the Japanese guy? Yeah, you're my partner. We opened it together.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 how are you feeling about a store opening today? Really good, really good. I'm so excited.
Did you fix the sign out front?

Speaker 1 Some of the letters were out. What did it say when you were out there? What do you mean? The business name.
Was it all about that? Because you told me to get all the leathering here in Japan. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We don't have the L's and the R's. No L's.
So I had to go get it from America. Wow.
So you fuck you. Sorry, bro.
Right. So I had to get a ship down here imported here.
Uh-huh. Right.

Speaker 1 So it came last night at three in the morning. You put it up, though.
What? You put up the sign? Yeah. What was the name of the store?

Speaker 1 I forgot. What's the name of our story again? Oh, but there's a customer here.

Speaker 1 Oh, hello. We're not open.
We're open five minutes. Hi.

Speaker 1 Excuse me. Hello.
We're open five minutes. Okay.
No, welcome him into our store and say the name. Say welcome to.
I forgot the name. Little lizard.
Oh, hold on. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 I forgot the name of our story.

Speaker 1 Well, you better go outside. I'll go.
Look, I look, I look. Oh, hey, how you doing? What's your name? Welcome to.
Welcome to. What is it?

Speaker 1 Little? Lit. What was.
Little. Little what? Lizard? Little.
Little lizard. Little lizard.
Little lizard ladies.

Speaker 1 Lucky.

Speaker 1 Welcome to little lizard leggy lucky lucky.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Welcome. I just saw this store.
You do legend like a rocky rocky. Yes.

Speaker 1 It looks amazing in here.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what we're selling, but welcome. Well, welcome to Rizzo.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I'm a woman from America. Yeah, we can tell.

Speaker 1 I'm a lady from America and I'm from Japan. So

Speaker 1 it looked like they had some,

Speaker 1 there's so much product. I know.
Look at all the stuff we have. Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1 I don't think you'd you'd fit into our stuff. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought I could. No, I don't think so.
I think you're a little too beefy for us. You're too beefy for us.
Yeah. Get the fuck out of here.
I don't know how to do it. No, no, yeah, rejector.

Speaker 1 In Japan, we say stuff. Get the fuck out of here.
Inch.

Speaker 1 You fucking. Give me a sword.
Give me a sword. Kill yourself.
Yeah. Anyway, that's.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We're going to open up a shop. Yes.
Oh, by the way, now that we're on Asians, let's talk all things Asian now. Yeah.
I'm sorry, by the way, Bobby, for

Speaker 1 I want to say that I want to start off also, too, before I apologize for

Speaker 1 last time I was in here two years ago, I apologize for immediately coming onto the show and pushing my eyes back and yelling Donald Trump in the face. But he's running again, so.
Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 If it happens, did you get in trouble for it? No. No, no, no.
You get some heat online, be honest. No, sometimes, but I just.
Because when you did that, you know what they say about me now? What?

Speaker 1 That Bobby hates his own

Speaker 1 because I watched that happen and I don't think shit. Right.
So online now, I can say Bobby hates himself

Speaker 1 and where he comes from and his ethnicity. So fuck you, dude.
No, you know what happens? Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 people have messaged me and said, you know, just because he laughs at that doesn't mean you can say that about all Asian people and they're right. And they're right.
So I want to say that.

Speaker 1 They're not right. No, but I want to say to them, I want to say to the Asian, to the people who are married, I am very sorry.

Speaker 1 You know how they say in the black community, they say, Uncle Tom? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're Uncle Chang. You're Uncle Tom.

Speaker 1 Uncle Tom.

Speaker 1 Uncle Chang.

Speaker 1 Somebody online making Uncle Chang shirt. Yeah, baby.
I'm an Uncle Chang. Uncle Chang.
Uncle Chang right now. No, I think it's right in society, but in the chambers and also in comedy.

Speaker 1 In the system of comedy,

Speaker 1 it should be said. Give me a break.
So in the Asian world, I want to congratulate Stephen Young and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of Beef for winning.

Speaker 1 And Andrew's on the show, so give them a round of applause. Andrew just won a fucking Golden Globe.
I didn't, first of all, I didn't win a Golden Globe. Did you go? But you're a part of it.

Speaker 1 No, he's a part of it. I had nothing to do with it.
Right. You were in the show.
I'm on a couple episodes. I'm a guest star.
Yeah, so. Give him a round of applause.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I didn't win anything. They did.

Speaker 1 And also, more importantly than that, I just want to get that out of the way because this one's, I just want to do, you know, you start with something nice, and then you go back.

Speaker 1 I do want to congratulate Korea as a whole. Yes.

Speaker 1 They finally announced that they are banning the consumption of dogs. And I can't wait.
Korea. Woo!

Speaker 1 But not right away. There's like two or three more years.
Yeah, it's not going to be until 2055, but it is going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm dead serious. It is going to be a long time.

Speaker 1 What do they say? They're banning it? I don't agree with it.

Speaker 1 I think they should, if it's culture and it's customary to do that, then they should do that and not take the dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure from the Western world to do that.

Speaker 1 I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat, if you are dog meat-eating people, then you should continue to eat your dog meat with your chopstick and sit on the floor. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Well, they have till 2027 to stock up.

Speaker 1 Kind of wait. Everyone's just going to have freezers filled with dog meat.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get you a petco membership so you can have me for your family.

Speaker 1 Dude, all the shelters are like, all these dogs are adopted. It's crazy.
Look at this. It says it's going to go into effect in 2027.

Speaker 1 And also, that's after a three, and then a three-year transition period. So 2030, they'll have to stop.
What do you think? So by 2030, they'll go, all right, guys, we got to start slowing this dog.

Speaker 1 Do you have a dog? Huh? No. Exactly.
I don't. It sounds like it.
I don't want animals.

Speaker 1 I have no problem with animals. But you live with three animals.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Pueratorikins.

Speaker 1 And I live, I have, I have, no, I don't want, I have, I have kids. I have, I have three children.

Speaker 1 That's enough. But

Speaker 1 I don't want any animals. And I don't hate animals.
I just don't want to have to clean up their animals. But have you ever bonded with a dog or a cat? No.
Like, have had a relationship. with one.

Speaker 1 Never? Never. Never had one as a kid or nothing.
Well, that's the problem. Well, because you know what? Because if you had, you wouldn't have said some bullshit like you did two two minutes ago.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll tell you what. That's fucking bullshit.
The reason why is because when I was a little kid, my mom came home with a Dalmatian, and then that Dalmatian,

Speaker 1 I let it go into the basement, and then it ate all the Clorix, and I found its dead body. And that, and that disconnected me from having pets.
And you know what I named that Dalmatian? Cruella.

Speaker 1 And then you know what my father said to my mother? You know what I overheard my father saying to my mother after I named the baby Cruella?

Speaker 1 After I named the dog Cruella, he said to my mom, he said, Lynn, I think our kid's gay

Speaker 1 because I named her. My favorite movie was 101 Dalmatians.
That was your favorite. Was your favorite movie?

Speaker 1 101 Dalmatians with Glenn Close when she played Corella, and that's why I named my dog after. And then the dog ate bleach and died in my basement, and that's why I don't want dogs.

Speaker 1 But I would have, because I care about culture more than anything, and I want to make sure the people who have attacked me online know that I care about culture more than anything.

Speaker 1 And if that dog would, if I would have, if that happened to me today and that I found that dog dead in the basement of my house, I would give it to Bobby as an offer for a meal for your family.

Speaker 1 And I would let you have a feast over my animal for you and your brothers and sisters. Well, thank you.

Speaker 1 What was your favorite movie as a kid that was that would be misconstrued like that as kind of like gay or like what did you love as a kid that you were like embarrassed about?

Speaker 1 You didn't want any of your friends to find out about it. As a kid? Yeah, like I'll get my example, what he's saying about 101.
Like,

Speaker 1 I loved Phantom of the Opera as a kid. And I don't even like, I fucking hate musicals.

Speaker 1 I had an Andrew Lloyd Weber poster in my fucking room. I swear to God, dude.
I fucking thought Phantom was like

Speaker 1 the coolest shit. And it was so gay.

Speaker 1 Like everyone I knew was like, Andrew Lloyd, were you like composers? I was like nine. Yeah.
I like that movie Little Women. Maybe far away

Speaker 1 or maybe real nearby.

Speaker 1 Annie did. Dude.
That was yours? Annie? Wow. Keep going, though.
Will you sing more? I don't know the rest of that song. We'll just make it up.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Let's start from the beginning.
You know that song? Yeah. She's on the windowsill.
Yeah. With a little red hair.
Yeah. I think that's why.
That's why you and I are in love? You're Miennie.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I honestly, I'm trying to think what you are. You know how when people look at redheads, they get repulsed?

Speaker 1 Okay. No, I'm just being some people get repulsed and they want to vomit and stuff.
What people?

Speaker 1 Well, just some people are like that. When I saw you for the first time, nothing.
I was like, oh, normal human being. I feel normal.
Like, I feel like a... You connected with me because of Annie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Some people look at at you and they go, you know what I mean? Whatever.
No, my, my, no, people with red hair. Am I right? Am I not right?

Speaker 1 No? When I first saw it. Well, you see the freckles in the vagina.
Is it like, what does it? Freckles on the vagina. Some red-headed queuing have freckles on their vagina.

Speaker 1 Anyway. When I saw you, I was like, Jackie Chan got fat as fuck, but I was excited that you got an excuse for me.
That was funny. Yes.
Yeah, Jackie Chan, that's fun. Well, that's my childhood.

Speaker 1 If anybody's...

Speaker 1 Yeah, but Jackie Chan, that's what you came up with right now? Look up Fat Jackie Chan and see if it's not you online.

Speaker 1 Look at Fat Jackie Chan. pat morita maybe no fat jackie chan fat jackie chan oh

Speaker 1 there it is fourth no first image on the second row second row first image boom bobby lee wow boom that's him playing uh kim john

Speaker 1 anyway if they don't cast you i love annie if they don't cast you as that all right seriously so annie was your thing as i loved annie yeah did you not tell anybody embarrassed about it well it's i with that like that with music too like you know i'll tell people like i like sarah muglaughlan whoa she's so good oh she is i love her really but she's great she's great I didn't know I thought.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't. She's still good.
She's good now? Yeah. Enya.

Speaker 1 Enya's great. Anya's great, right?

Speaker 1 Give me a more embarrassing band. If you're going to give me a band that's embarrassing, give me somebody that's like, you, you're, it's like actual.
I used to get Charles Manson's music tapes.

Speaker 1 Charles Manson. Charlie? You mean Marilyn Manson? No, Charles Manson.
Oh,

Speaker 1 this acoustic tapes. Oh, right.
Oh, they're so good. Those are good.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
What's your embarrassing band?

Speaker 1 Since when I was a kid, or like currently? Oh, but I know you have way more now than then for some reason.

Speaker 1 Back then,

Speaker 1 I used to love,

Speaker 1 well, like, I remember that song, I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie World.

Speaker 1 It's fantastic. Made of plastic.
I would put on that song when I was winding down in the gym to get me pumped up, and I would imagine myself singing that song to all my classmates.

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but I love that.

Speaker 1 I always imagined myself singing songs. And I remember being at Force Fitness in Ridgewood, Queens on the treadmill, hitting it at 9.0 with incline, going, I'm a Bobby girl,

Speaker 1 but meaning it dead seriously with a CD, you know, cassette, you know, the CD Walkman.

Speaker 1 And I listened to a lot of In Sync. Yeah.
I loved In Sync.

Speaker 1 I loved Backstreet Boys. I would listen to all that.
And right now, my favorite band is the 1975. I go to all their concerts.
You're friends with these guys.

Speaker 1 Well, yes, I've slowly but surely, slowly become friends with.

Speaker 1 One of the best days I had in my life was about three weeks ago when I was texting the lead singer, Maddie Healy, and I said something to him and I made him laugh.

Speaker 1 And I screenshot it and saved it and asked Jasmine to print it out and she called me an F-A-G-G-O-T-A Fagot a Fagot

Speaker 1 let me ask you something

Speaker 1 are there people okay

Speaker 1 as you get you know as we get a name right sometimes people that we didn't like before now like us because they were famous or whatever like and then we start liking I don't have a name name

Speaker 1 is there anyone like that where you're like Before you had you, you were Chris DeStefano, you're mere like, ah, fuck that guy.

Speaker 1 But now that you, you know what I mean, they're reaching out to you, let's hang out. Then you like them now.

Speaker 1 No, I think what's happened, though, is like people that I used to like tweet at, you know, like, like just talking shit, having fun in 2012, 2013, where I was just like letting stuff rip.

Speaker 1 That's how I used to be. Yeah.
They've now, you know, some of those people I've seen it, like Joey Fatone from InSync. Ah, you know, I've had now a couple fun guy.

Speaker 1 You know, we've never really spoke, but I know that, you know, but I'm, you know, in 2013, 2014, out of no, for no reason, I would just tweet, you know, you know, crazy stuff about Joey Fatone for no reason.

Speaker 1 I would, you know,

Speaker 1 there was no,

Speaker 1 I don't even actually remember what I, I would, I would, like, just random days, I'd be like, hey, what's up? Good morning on this beautiful Wednesday.

Speaker 1 I just want to say, I fucking hope Joey Fatone falls off a cliff.

Speaker 1 For no reason, for literally zero, zero, zero reason. Did he remember that shit or no? No, no, no.
But, you know, now I know people are close friends with him.

Speaker 1 And I've been around him a couple of times. He's such a great guy that I like regret doing that.
But I was literally tweeting stuff back then.

Speaker 1 You know, I've tweeted, I was talking to Don DePetta about this, who I always travel with, who just got a haircut. I think it looks very nice.
Maybe he shaved his beard, too. He shaved his beard.

Speaker 1 He looks good. He looks like a good boy.
And I told him that there's so many things when people weren't listening. People weren't listening at all.

Speaker 1 In 2011, I would just tweet and think it was funny to the hundred people in different times.

Speaker 1 And then sometimes they'll pop up or a guy around my social media would say, hey, you know, do you want me to permanently delete this tweet? And I always say no. I'm just like, whatever.

Speaker 1 But like, I would just say nut shit back then that, you know, could cause a lot of harm today. I want to know who you're talking about.
Well, I think you're fucking blanket out. No, here's what I say.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying is that there's one guy that I wasn't that he was a fan of, and maybe I would make fun of or whatever, but when I actually saw him in person, I acted like

Speaker 1 a fucking bitch. Who? Who? Corey Feldman.
Wow. So I was like at a premiere and I was sitting next to Kalila and Ike Baronholt was sitting here.

Speaker 1 And I looked to my left and I go, oh my God, it's Corey Feldman. And you got so tight.
You got all I got so shy. You got hyped up about it.
Corey Philman. Did he even acknowledge you?

Speaker 1 And he looked over and I walked up to him and I go, hey, and his bodyguard goes, hey, I'm a big fan. And then Corey put his sunglasses down.
He goes, hello.

Speaker 1 And you know how they shake like this?

Speaker 1 And then you have to reach out?

Speaker 1 Right? It's not this. I don't like that.
No, I love it. This is so fucked up.
Fucked up. Not this.
It's like many Hitler. This.
They leave a gap, so you put your fingers on there. And you slide it.

Speaker 1 Whoa. You pac-manned it? Yeah, yeah, you pac-man it.
It's like a

Speaker 1 toaster, and you put your fucking hand. How long do you leave it open there? Two or three? Two minutes.
Yeah. Yeah.
I want it like medium burger. Are you still friends with him? Yeah.
What?

Speaker 1 Are you still friends with him? Never got his number, nothing.

Speaker 1 But he goes, hello, like this. But this song, well, you want no, he wants like this.
I want like this.

Speaker 1 And the guy, so

Speaker 1 bodyguard goes, big fan. And he goes, doesn't even look at me.
He goes, hello.

Speaker 1 Did I start my finger on there for two minutes? Right?

Speaker 1 Right? And then I walked back.

Speaker 1 I want Corey Feldman on the show. Get on the show, Corey, if you want to fucking come on the show.

Speaker 1 The only thing that happened, I'm a, you know, grew up, you know, in New York, a big Yankees fan, New York Yankees fan.

Speaker 1 And Bernie Williams, the center fielder for the Yankees, was always my favorite baseball player. And then out of nowhere, one day, I got a message from Bernie Williams' Instagram.

Speaker 1 You know, it wasn't him, his guy runs it. He was like, hey, Bernie Williams.

Speaker 1 knows your comedy. His daughter is a fan.
He wants to know if you want to perform at his 50th birthday party. All the Yankees will be there.
Joe Torrey and A-Rod and Jeter and Pisana, all these guys.

Speaker 1 And for me, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I have to do this.
Like, this is like a dream come true. And I went out there for Bernie Williams' 50th birthday

Speaker 1 in a room this size. It was a private, obviously, party with the classic, you know, four World Series title winning New York Yankees.

Speaker 1 And I absolutely bombed for 15 minutes in front of them all to the point where Bernie Williams, Bernie Williams was like on his own, you know, while I was bombing, like started clapping me off.

Speaker 1 He was like, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And now, what are you feeling when that's happening? It literally, I swear to God, I was locking eyes with Joe Torrey, who was like the legendary, you know, manager of the team.
And he did not.

Speaker 1 crack a smile nothing he was just looking at me i almost felt like he was saying like just dude please please sir just stop stop stop it the only person who was laughing was Bernie Williams' manager, who booked me, who thought it was absolutely hilarious.

Speaker 1 And I was just eating it. Watching you bomb must be the funniest thing imaginable.
Well, you laugh a lot, I'm sure. You're like trying to laugh your way out because you're not going to care.

Speaker 1 I don't think, I think in your mind, you're smiling. You have a smirk.
Right. And you know you're bombing.
Yes. You know, you're self-aware.
I'm self-aware. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, I'm self-aware.

Speaker 1 I felt the sweat running down my back onto the top of my ass crack, even though it was the middle of the winter.

Speaker 1 I saw A-Rod, I mean, not caring. I did the best I absolutely could.
I cursed way too much. There were kids in the audience.
It was absolutely the wrong choice. Yeah.
And I ate it.

Speaker 1 I ate it really, really hard in front of my absolute hero. Not even that much money.
It was an opportunity. It was just an opportunity.
Wow.

Speaker 1 And then I bought, and then I did the same thing about four years later for the owner of the New York Mets. I bombed even harder for the

Speaker 1 New York Mets staff. And Tommy Mattola, Tommy Mattola was there.
Yeah. Great guy.
Famous music producer. Famous music producer.
And I said, I was bombing again hard.

Speaker 1 And I said to him, I said, Tommy, I said, Tommy Mattola, I said, Tommy, you know, your ex-wife, Mariah Carey, I said, I had a picture up of her in my locker.

Speaker 1 And again, you know, just, I didn't even know where that was going to go. Why? I don't know.
I have no idea why. And he goes, and he said, you know,

Speaker 1 something happened. I said something after that.
And then Tommy Mattola, in the middle of it, he goes, yeah, he goes, why don't you, why don't you talk about my ex-wife again?

Speaker 1 He goes, that was a good one.

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Speaker 1 And then I bombed that, but the owner of the Mets son became close personal friends with me. So now I got in with the Mets through bombing, you know, at his event, you know, at the owner.

Speaker 1 So now you can go any game. Any game.
Sometimes bombing pays off. Wow.
Bombing pays off. Not with the Yankees.
The Yankees have now, the Yankees have said, I'm not like you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that makes sense. You can't bomb with the Yankees.
Can't bomb. Can't bomb with the Yankees.
Wow. And because I'm friends with the Mets, can't do anything really with the Yankees anymore.

Speaker 1 Wow. Kind of lost my Yankees prediction.
You're a die-hard Yankees fan.

Speaker 1 I am, but, you know. That's a weird predicament.
It's a weird thing. I don't like it.
Because I'm city first. The whole thing of having two sports teams in a city just sucks.
I hate that.

Speaker 1 Like Chicago,

Speaker 1 there's only one team to choose. That's the Cubs.
Right. It's the Cubs.
The Cubs, you just choose them. Yeah, you love those bombs.
Nobody's going to root for the White Sox.

Speaker 1 With the Yankees and Mets, they both have great fans. Yeah, that's different.
That's different. You don't get killed if you go to Shea Stadium.
No, no, it's just City Field now. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no, Shea Stadium. Okay.
Shea Stadium.

Speaker 1 Shouldn't we reserve the name for what it used to? Like, I still call it Staple Center. I don't call it crypto when I go downtown.
Call the Staple Center. No.
I'm not going to give it up.

Speaker 1 I'm going to stick it out. You should.
It's not crypto.

Speaker 1 I'm going to the crypto transition.

Speaker 1 I call it the crypto.com arena. If I transition and my name is fucking Barbara, call me Barbara.
Your name is Bobby. No, Barbara.
I met you as Bobby. You're Bobby and I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 If I transition, I'm Barbara. I don't give a shit if you cut off your dick in front of me.
Your name is Bobby. My pussy would be real tight.
It's just B-O-B-B-I-E. That's all it is.
Oh, good point.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh.
Yeah. I would just

Speaker 1 change it. No.
B-O-B-B-I.

Speaker 1 Can I do that? No. Like, Bobby Altoff.
Like, keep the E, please. All right, Bobby I-E.
Okay, thank you. I like how the compromise.

Speaker 1 Five, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a celebrity? I don't know if I want. I have one.
Okay, you go. I was at Maria Mununos's Christmas party.
What? Ooh, yummy. You know who that is?

Speaker 1 She's beautiful. You're nobody who's Maria Menudos.
What the fuck you said about that? What this is about? 15 years ago. Like, she doesn't know who I am.
Yeah. But that year she did.

Speaker 1 She still doesn't know who you are.

Speaker 1 I know. Maria Minudos.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Maria Menudos thinks you hosted the Golden Globes.

Speaker 1 Did you see John Choi on the Golden Globes? He's so cute. He was funny.
He was good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The audience didn't get him. They didn't get it.
They didn't get it.

Speaker 1 So I did a movie with her. What movie? It was a Jamie Kidder.
The Kicking Herald School. Oh, kicking her old school.
She's in, right? She's like the love interest.

Speaker 1 So I'm at her party, and I'm like by myself, sitting at a couch in some backyard. I'm sitting next to a guy.
I swear to fucking God, I thought he was like a software engineer.

Speaker 1 You know, he's wearing glasses. You know what I mean? A white dude.
White nerd. Yeah, like he's an editor.
He looks like an editor. Okay.
Right? Right. So he's like, hey, you do comedy.

Speaker 1 I go, yeah, yeah. Killing it.

Speaker 1 I like to kind of look at him like that because no one else will talk to me. Steven Spielberg.
No, it's no, but he goes, what's it like?

Speaker 1 I go, yeah, Yeah, I'm just playing these runes, 150, 200, selling them out. So you're boasting.
I'm boasting. Yeah, you're like an idiot in this movie.
You know, we'll see what happens.

Speaker 1 And I talk about myself for like 30 minutes. Nice.

Speaker 1 For 30 minutes, I talk about myself, right? And when I was leaving, I got off. I got to see you later, dude.
And I walk up. And then

Speaker 1 I forgot it was Jamie or somebody came up to me and goes, dude, what's Josh Groban like? Oh. Oh, there's Josh Grob.
Yeah. And I go,

Speaker 1 you're just talking talking to Josh Grove over like 30 minutes. You had no idea.
No, I didn't. I've never heard.
Yeah. I had heard as the name.
I just couldn't put a face to the name. And then

Speaker 1 shame. No.
Oh, seriously. The Groves still likes you.
No, I still want to turn around and go, dude,

Speaker 1 I'm a loser. No.
No, not at all. What you're having is you're having that spotlight kind of thing where you think they're thinking about you and upset it, but he didn't know.

Speaker 1 But I know, but if he's selling out probably theaters or whatever he's selling out, right? I'm saying I'm selling out the Sacramento punchline, right? It doesn't fucking look good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he's not a comic. So exactly.
It's different. If he was a comedian, it'd be weirder.
But he's a musician. It's two different worlds.
I guarantee you, you're a big star. I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 I'm listening. I ain't got nothing.
Bobby, I guarantee you. I ain't got nothing.
Bobby.

Speaker 1 I literally guarantee you. I guarantee you, do fuck you, dude.
I guarantee you. Josh Groban, thank you so much.
Josh Groban went home. I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 Josh Groban went home, told his wife or partner, he said, we got to go see Margaret Cho. She just told me

Speaker 1 how well she's doing.

Speaker 1 And then he went and saw Margaret Cho, and she couldn't understand why he was at the gym because she thought, yeah, all right, it was with you. So that's fine.
Very good. I had

Speaker 1 very good. Did I tell the Australian story about Russell Crowe? No, you've never.
You told me. No, that's the best story.
You got to say that story. Say the story.
Because you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to take borrow from Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics. You never step in the same river twice.
That's right. And also,

Speaker 1 I also got to say that. And I think I'm doing a movie with him.
With Russell? Russell Crowe. In two months.

Speaker 1 It's like locked in. So it's like a game.
Are you in Gladiator?

Speaker 1 What? Are you in Gladiator 2?

Speaker 1 Are you?

Speaker 1 Dude, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got a present. Yeah, let's see what the gift that you have.
Yeah, go fuck yourself. No, no, no.
Bobby. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Let me see.

Speaker 1 Fancy brought us something back from Spain.

Speaker 1 A little Bobby. Oh, no, I know what it is.
It's a little butt crack. I know what it is.
What is it?

Speaker 1 It's probably something that's going to make me take a nap. Oh.
Weed? No, I know what it is.

Speaker 1 This is from Fancy brought us back from Spain because he got back from Spain. Spain.
Oh, look at this. Oh.
Is this an ashtray? No.

Speaker 1 What is it? It's a stupid mask. Is it a.

Speaker 1 It's a porcelain mask.

Speaker 1 Is that for the next pandemic? What is that? No.

Speaker 1 Get out of here. These are so.
Honestly, these are cool, though. Yeah, these are very pandemic.

Speaker 1 The carpet is going to be broken. I threw it on the floor.

Speaker 1 His fingers are all bloody.

Speaker 1 Does this go on my wall? These are great. Now, is this for good luck? Yes.
The price tags in here. No.
$6.99. Yeah.
Fucking cheap.

Speaker 1 These are beautiful. Oh, look at this one.

Speaker 1 That one looks more like you. Yes, because those are the eyes are closer to it.
What is this one? This is not luck. Yeah.
It's death, I see. Is it death? So Fancy Explain.
What are these called?

Speaker 1 What is this called?

Speaker 4 It's called Sargadellos, which is a ceramic company.

Speaker 1 Sargadello. In Galicia.
What does Sargadello mean?

Speaker 5 And there's... no, it doesn't mean anything.
It's just the name of the, of the guy who

Speaker 1 created it.

Speaker 5 And it's all based on like the mythology of the Celtic region where Galicia is from.

Speaker 1 Wow. So did you understand anything he just said? No, but look, these are one of those things 200 years from now, like at the antique rogue show.
It's gonna be worth like 500 grand. Yeah, easily.

Speaker 1 It could be because it has one of those marks. So I could see it at the antique store and somebody just buying it for a dollar and then going to antique and some guys.
This is a salgadano.

Speaker 1 I don't even know where you got this from. Yes.
But the fact that you have a sargardello,

Speaker 1 you know, in good condition, these things would auction for anywhere between $250,000 to $400,000.

Speaker 1 This, my friend, is in impeccable condition.

Speaker 1 A sargadello like I've never seen.

Speaker 1 He still has the box. Oh my God, in the box in the paper.
Not really, do we ever see the box? We never see the box.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I would value this at anywhere between $700,000 and $4.8 billion

Speaker 1 given an auction.

Speaker 1 This is very nice, Fancy. Thank you so very much.
Are Are you going to put that up in the house, the Sacred Dallas? This is going to go in my garage. There you go.

Speaker 1 My fucking house? What are you out of your mind? No way. I value my home.

Speaker 1 There you go. No, you know what? We should bring this to an antique store, see how long it would take for them to sell it.
You know what's going to really happen?

Speaker 1 We're going to leave it in the studio and never see it. Oh, that's right, that's right.
No, I thought I'll leave it here. Can I have it? No.
Bring back a gift for my kids? No. No.

Speaker 1 So stupid. So here I was down in Australia shooting that movie, and we were out.
I'm going to say it. Well, Ricky Sinicky, it says, come on.
Yeah, well, we're out.

Speaker 1 I was at, we're, this is too many names, but we were at Zach Efron's house and we were drinking and hanging out.

Speaker 1 And then Pete Fairley, the director, calls and goes, Hey, do you want to go to Russell Crowe's house? And immediately, I was like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, what the fuck? Of course, I want to go to Gladiator Crow.

Speaker 1 But does a little bit of social anxiety come up, even a tad bit of like, shit, don't blow in front of Russell Crowe, even though I know you've been around everybody?

Speaker 1 No, because we were with so many people. I knew we weren't.
It wasn't a small get-together. There were already people at his house, so it made me feel comfortable in that.

Speaker 1 If it was just us, I'd be a little fucked up about it. I'd be be like, I don't want to go to the gladiator's house.

Speaker 1 So he's like, yeah, dude, he's got a great crib. He's going to have us over.
So we're drinking and

Speaker 1 I'm getting a little stony. And we show up to the gladiator's house.

Speaker 1 And it's exactly the way you think it would be. It's fucking beautiful.
I mean, beautiful. On the water and everything? Yeah, like we don't, I don't deserve to be there.
You know, I took my shoes off.

Speaker 1 And then one of the guys was like, put your shoes back on. I thought we were.

Speaker 1 I took my shoes off because I thought, don't you take your shoes off? I mean, you people do. Don't you take your shoes off?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, I would put it.
When I go to people's houses, I take my shoes off. Well, I always, because my family's Puerto Rican, I take my shoes off, but I always have a backup pair of chanclertas.

Speaker 1 He's a legendary actor, right? A-list. A-list.
Legendary. Legend.
If I was walking into like Robert De Naro's house, I'd be very aware about not touching things. I wouldn't go.
I wouldn't probably go.

Speaker 1 I'd blow it. But my point is that there are some people like that, and then there are some people who are like, ah, fuck it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to throw the glass down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So who would be like Steve Buscemi? Would you be nervous going to his house? No, he lives in a house,

Speaker 1 right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bouchemi, Boucemi lives in some kind of weird.

Speaker 1 I would go to that one for sure. Bouchami, yes.
Yeah, yeah. And sharing his teeth on it.
Goldbloom, I'd want to see Goldblum. Oh, yeah, yeah, that'd be fine.
I'd want to see where he lives.

Speaker 1 I'd want to see where Tom Cruise lives.

Speaker 1 I'd want to see where he lives. Really? You wouldn't? Would you go to his party? I would go to Tom Cruise's party.
I would 100% go to Tom Cruise's party. Hey, what's up, babe?

Speaker 1 You got to take off all your clothes before you come in. Sure.
Leave your your shoes on, but take your clothes off. They say he knows everybody's name.
He remembers everybody's name, Tom Cruise.

Speaker 1 That's supposedly what's my house on Staten Island.

Speaker 1 Dude, I would go to one Tom Cruise party, but you wouldn't make it out. Right.
You'd have to stay. Right.
That's what I've heard. They'd stay.
Once you go in, you don't come out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, you know, get out. He does get in.

Speaker 1 Get in. Get in.
I, um, the uh, did I ever tell you my Phil Collins story when I met Phil Collins? No. No, I, all right, I told the story.

Speaker 1 I thought I told it here. Maybe I didn't.
It's on one of my specials. But so I get to go, I get invited to the Knicks game, right? This is like 2016.

Speaker 1 So it was Easter Sunday, and the Knicks and Philadelphia 76ers were the bottom of the league. They were the last-place NBA teams.

Speaker 1 So nobody wanted to go on Easter Sunday and sit courtside at the Knicks game. Like, I was very, I had never gotten a call.
I knew some people at MSG, but I never gotten the call to sit courtside.

Speaker 1 So they call me the morning off. They're like, listen, we got two empty seats.
You can sit courtside. Okay.
Bring somebody.

Speaker 1 Don't talk to anybody. Okay.
This is, you know, Madison Square Garden. Don't talk to anybody.
Don't talk to anybody. They said there probably will be a couple.

Speaker 1 They said we know there are a couple of other big celebrities that are going to be sitting around you guys. Don't acknowledge them.

Speaker 1 Don't talk to them like, you know, we're giving you this opportunity, you know, for whatever. But it was because it was Easter Sunday and it was the last place teams and people didn't want to go.

Speaker 1 So I call my my dad. So my father is like, 100%, I'm in.
You know, we used to sit in the upper, you know, rafters or whatever.

Speaker 1 So we go and we sit down and my dad immediately start, I was sitting here, my dad was in the middle, and then there was a famous guy sitting next to him.

Speaker 1 And my dad immediately starts talking to this guy. Just immediately starts talking to him, chatting him up, talking about crazy shit, you know.

Speaker 1 And I don't, I swear to God, I didn't even look over to see who it was because I was like wildly embarrassed, but I'm not going to tell my dad not to say anything.

Speaker 1 So I hear my dad telling this guy that his son's a comedian. I hear.
And then, and then, so, and my dad go, he's talking, and my dad goes, Chris, where, where, where, where are you again?

Speaker 1 Next weekend, I might, this guy might come show. I swear to Christ, I was performing at Bananas Comedy Club.
I've been there. It's inside of Holly and Express in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.

Speaker 1 It's off the side of Route 17. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 it wasn't even remotely close to being sold out. Like, I had, I had sold like 100 tickets over, you know, the course of a weekend.
Is that the old Jewish couple that own it? Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 After you're done with this, I got to tell you something. Yeah.
Okay. So, so I'm like, Bananas Comedy Club.
He goes, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I said, you know, don't, Bananas Comedy Club down, but I said, we're not supposed to be talking to these people. Like, just let's watch the game.

Speaker 1 And I hear my dad immediately go, yeah, Bananas Comedy Club. That's where it'll be.
If you are in New York, you know, come through. And then I'm like, okay.
So

Speaker 1 my dad, you know, it's talking, whatever.

Speaker 1 He had Easter candy. Okay.
The guy, my dad was talking to me, Easter candy. And he's giving my dad Easter candy.
And I'm like, my dad's like, you want a Cadbury? What do you want?

Speaker 1 I was like, I don't want any candy. Just like trying to watch the game.
So

Speaker 1 they put

Speaker 1 Phil Collins. My father was talking to Phil Collins.
He had no idea. He had no idea who Phil, he has no idea who Phil Collins is, doesn't know anything.
They put Phil Collins up on the Jumbotron.

Speaker 1 Kiss Cam with your dad? No. They put him up on the Jumbotron.
And I've never seen this. They play, you know, normally they just throw a picture up or whatever.
They play

Speaker 1 coming in the air tonight. Doo douche, doo, douche, dude, douche, dude, douche, and i've never seen this in madison square garden during a live game you know during a timeout they put the lights down

Speaker 1 and then put this guy in the jumbo trot and he got a standing ovation yeah because he's phil collins okay yeah and my dad turns to me goes who the fuck is he and i

Speaker 1 and i go dad that's phil collins yeah yeah

Speaker 1 within

Speaker 1 Five seconds of the lights coming down. Yeah.
I have my head down. I'm like, oh, that was pretty cool.
Yeah. I see the people walking with the cameras.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I see their shoes stop right in front of me.

Speaker 1 And they take the camera, and the lady comes over. I swear to Christ, the lady from the Knicks half comes over.
She goes, Chris

Speaker 1 Stevlakolo.

Speaker 1 I said, De Stephana, she goes, You're up next. I said, What do you mean? She goes, We're going to put you on the Jumbotron.
Just wave. It'll be great.
They put me on the Jumbotron.

Speaker 1 I swear to Christ, they put me on the Jumbotron. I have video footage of this.

Speaker 1 They put me on the Jumbotron.

Speaker 1 Absolute pin drop silence.

Speaker 1 I swear to God.

Speaker 1 Nobody's saying anything. I swear to Christ.
And this is not a bit. I swear to Christ.
The only thing I feel is my father's hand rubbing my back.

Speaker 1 And he's going, it's going to be all right, Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's going to be all right. And then I swear to Christ,

Speaker 1 I'm getting my back rubbed by my dad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 As soon as it's over, all of a sudden, a hand reaches across. It's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy,

Speaker 1 a bag of Hadbury eggs. And he goes, and he goes, it's going to be all right.
That's what he said. I really,

Speaker 1 but then my dad, so that was like a horrific experience. But then because of the bomb and all that, and my dad has just got like that gift again, Phil Collins like loved my dad.

Speaker 1 Like they were talking. He fucking loved my daddy.
Wow. Then he started asking me.
He's like, oh, so you do comedy? And I said, yeah, you know, like trying, whatever.

Speaker 1 And he was like, well, you know, if they're putting you up there, they must think you have potential. So just keep going.
Wow. I was like,

Speaker 1 did the people know, though, who you were then? Maybe because you're a New York guy now?

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Now.

Speaker 1 No. No, not at all.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, no. Because you're a New York guy.
No,

Speaker 1 there's not a really New York guy there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.
No, they did not. They did not.
And

Speaker 1 it was wild. Tell me about the old Jewish company family at Go Bananas.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't forget it. Why? They top that story, man.
That story was so good. It is a good story.
Phil fucking Collins. Phil Collins, bro.
But it was, you know.

Speaker 1 I can feel it coming in the edge of night.

Speaker 1 I'm just

Speaker 1 copying it. Copying what you said, bud.
Okay. All right.

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Speaker 1 Factor. Every time I do a performance, you know, I exert a lot of energy and I put my life essence on the stage.
You really do? Yeah. All of it.
Yeah.

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And we live on a crazy schedule.

Speaker 1 Bob and I live in insane schedules. We're leaving for the airport now in like an hour.
And so we can't eat a sit-down. This isn't Humphrey Bogart.
It's Hungry Bogart. You're very Humphrey Bogart.

Speaker 1 Back in the day.

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Speaker 1 I'm going to privately tell you, I'm not going to say who, but somebody told me they were like, I can't explain this to you, but I'm so attracted to Carlos. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wait, seriously? Wait, Bobby, are you mad at that? Yep. And she was like, something about

Speaker 1 something about this bald. No, no, she loved the hair, but you're bald and your hair.
It's like Stombros. Stombros is another

Speaker 1 reason. Like, she was obsessed with his head.
She was like, yeah, she goes, tell him not to shave his skin. Right.
It's like, it's like, you look so bad, it's good.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm sure you've talked about this before, how they're like, they're switched. Like,

Speaker 1 Carlos, like, the way Fancy talks, his name should be Carlos. And Carlos should be Fancy.
Like, when Fancy starts talking, like, I got you a gift, that guy's name should be Carlos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, you're right. But then, and then, and then, and then.
But do you know what his real name is? Fancy's real name? Fabricio. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Fabricio.
No, his name is Andres. Andres.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, Andres. I knew that.
Which is just Andrew in Spanish. It's just me in Spanish.
Carlos physically assaulted me in the original room. Like, physically, literally physically assaulted me.

Speaker 1 A couple nights ago. Oh, well, I know, look, but that's because he looks like Ari Shafir.
That's too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you not? And I want an apology on air, dude. What did you do? No, no, no, Bobby.
You called me and apologized for what you did. What did you do?

Speaker 1 Bobby threw water on me in the OR. Oh,

Speaker 1 what the hell is that about, dude?

Speaker 1 Half the audience during someone's set. Oh.
The thing is. Who was on stage? I think Adam Ray.

Speaker 1 Man, he can take the bit. Why did he he throw water?

Speaker 1 He threw water. No, what Carlos and McCone do from our show

Speaker 1 is. Yes, you do.
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
I don't, bro. You did.
I did that one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do all the time.

Speaker 1 What they do is they pull their weight, their bad friend's weight. Oh, my God.
And they sit in the booths in the back in the original room where, like, the comics sit. They told me I should.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up for a second, okay?

Speaker 1 The paid regulars can only sit. You know what it is like in the cellar, that corner booth? Yes, comics only.
I literally, I walk in the OR and they're sitting like they're

Speaker 1 smoking? No, no that but yeah there's nothing in their fingers you guys are doing this and not even smoking and you know what Carlos did he did the fucking

Speaker 1 Corey Feldman he passed banned you dude wow but that

Speaker 1 sitting there like that it drove me crazy I just threw water on though no I get it I get that so I got up and grabbed a stick yeah well that's not okay yeah do you want to do you want to clear the air well I want to apologize for that for for real but also something happened at the airport with your mom that we never told you uh oh okay

Speaker 1 okay is it gonna upset me yeah what then is it what i did with her in the lounge uh in the delta lounge it's worse oh

Speaker 1 i just

Speaker 1 tell it to me tell it to me i'm fine okay i'm gonna look in the camera this camera right here i'm embarrassed and i'm gonna be real i know in my real reaction go ahead Karlos gave her a bump of coke

Speaker 1 no when um she was going to her gate we were in different terminals and she didn't want us to help her anymore because she was over it and when I I was hugging her, I hit her in the face really hard.

Speaker 1 Like I swung my arm at her.

Speaker 1 You physically assaulted Bob's mom?

Speaker 1 And she was like, oh,

Speaker 1 it's okay. But then I was like super apologetic, but I definitely hit Bobby's mom.
So you gave her CTE?

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
That's so fucked up, dude. It's not.
I was sober, bro. What? I was sober, though.
At the time, yeah. I was.
How do you feel, Bob?

Speaker 1 I get to hit your mom now.

Speaker 1 It's only fair, dude. I get to hit your mom.
He gets to hit your mom as hard as he can. Close-fisted, too.
Yes. She can take it.
She's young. All right, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she's Mexican, right? Yeah, she's from Mexico. She could take the hit.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Imagine Carlos's mom is the one that has the hair like him.

Speaker 1 My dad's bald. I'm just taking it crazy farther.

Speaker 1 It really does look great. When you guys rock it with confidence, it looks awesome.
Hell yeah. Why don't you tell Bobby? What's up? Oh, tell Bobby.
Now that you started. Tell him what's going on.

Speaker 1 Tell him what you told me.

Speaker 1 Be honest. I poem.

Speaker 1 The honest moment of bad friends. Okay.
Okay, when Andrew walked in earlier, I didn't want to tell him this, and it was actually, it was hard for me to say, but I have three days sober now.

Speaker 1 I went out. I had a little slip-up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I told him. It's all good.
It was hard, though. Like, I didn't intend to drink that night, and then I drank.
And it was the same thing. It was crazy.
Because you went on a date. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you felt pressure to drink. Yeah, I felt felt nervous, so I had a martini.

Speaker 1 Did she order a drink? Yeah, well, I bought her a drink. No, but I'm saying, like, who ordered first? She wanted a drink.
It was like, yeah, we're going to get drinks. Did you tell her I don't drink?

Speaker 1 I didn't say that. Yeah.
Are you afraid to say that to a girl when you're on a date? Right now I am. Yeah.
I mean, you know, that's normal. Yeah.
You know what they say, right?

Speaker 1 For the first year of sobriety. What do they say? Go to a meeting every day.
No, that. You shouldn't be in a relationship.
Oh. That's all.

Speaker 1 Okay. You shouldn't be in a relationship.
It was tough. It was work on yourself.
Okay. It's all the same.
And no more glory holes. But can he be out there getting pussy? No.
You're not supposed to.

Speaker 1 But I saw a glory hole on a dating app. I think I sent you the picture.
I know you sent me the glory hole picture. Trust me.
I log all of them.

Speaker 1 But when you said that to me, you didn't go to it, though. I didn't go, and I didn't go to the milking table.
I told you not to go. Yeah, I didn't go.
Okay. Yeah, I didn't go.
You can't go. No.

Speaker 1 Just take a year off. From Glory Holes?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 Is that not in the book in the 12 steps? It's not in the book, but what it's saying. It seems like the fourth.
I was talking to Jimmy Schubert the other day. You know, Jimmy, right?

Speaker 1 So funny, Jimmy Schubert. 59 years old.
Yeah, right. You like Jimmy? Rips.
Rips. So funny.
Ripper. He's one of my best buddies.
I love him. Love him, right?

Speaker 1 He goes, Yeah, guy, I'm going to the Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines? He's ripping ass.
Sure. Right?

Speaker 1 You can rip ass at any age.

Speaker 1 You're young. It's still going to be there.
Your dick energy.

Speaker 1 Look at me. Yeah.
My little dick energy. Yeah.
It's still working, baby. Nobody calls it rip ass, by the way.

Speaker 1 That's rivering. Rip ass.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Yeah, farting. You said Jimmy Schubert's going to the Philippines to fart.

Speaker 1 You guys fly in a 17-hour flight just to let it all out?

Speaker 1 You can still rip ass sexually. Hey, I'm in the Philippines.

Speaker 1 Dude, Jimmy Schubert calls turd sewer pickles. Sewer pickles.
He's like, I got a sewer pickle.

Speaker 1 It's always going to be there, my point. You can rip ass your whole life.
But I think it's, and it's also, it's good that you're, you know, being open and honest. I think that's a big thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you gotta.
Yeah, that's why I called you today. Well, I'm appreciative, and I, and we want to keep promoting you to stay, stay good.
Thanks, bro. And stay healthy.

Speaker 1 I put the bottle down. No more drinking for me for a while.
Really? Why? It's been gone for a while. I don't know.
I just felt like I needed to. How long, for how long have you been not drinking?

Speaker 1 The holidays, since before the holidays? Yeah. Did I inspire you? No.
Okay. No.
You don't inspire me at all. I just had to ask you.
Or influence me.

Speaker 1 No. No, no, no.
You know what it really was? Was like

Speaker 1 just getting older. I don't know.
Yeah, I get it. I don't know.
I just, I've getting a little bit older. The body pains are a little bit different now, and you have a couple.
And

Speaker 1 I don't know. And I don't want to end up looking like Andres.
You know what I mean? How old is Andres?

Speaker 1 Fucking 13. Did you enjoy some of your time in Espana?

Speaker 4 Yeah, it was nice. It was good.
It was good.

Speaker 1 Good to see family. Good to see family.
Are they proud of you? They don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 4 I hide this from them.

Speaker 1 You're embarrassed about this? Yes. Wow.

Speaker 1 A lot of people are. Wait, you're embarrassed about working for bad friends? Mm-hmm.
Well, yes. No, I get it.
No, I don't. I don't get it.
I get it. I don't get it.

Speaker 1 We're one of the top podcasts on planet Earth. No, I know, but conquistador is all the history of these guys.
You know, they're not. Miss Arroy.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 I mean, he'll tell you all the history of Spain. Give us a quick synopsis of the history of Spain.
Go. Me? Yeah.
No,

Speaker 1 I only know America. Oh, you don't know Spanish? Spain? Well, I know Spain had territories in the United States.

Speaker 1 That's why Cuban people speak Spanish and how influential the Spanish colonial empire was, the Invincible Armada. or you would say the Invincible Armada.

Speaker 1 I know them, but I don't know the history of actual mainland Spain. I don't know it as well.
Other than they're like, you know, they're the original, you know, people speak Spanish.

Speaker 1 And most countries that speak Spanish is because Spain conquered them. Right.
Mexico. Mexico is not, they don't, they don't speak Spanish.
Puerto Ricans don't speak Spanish. It's just the Spain.

Speaker 1 This is what it is about when people attack white people. It's like, well, then you have to attack Spanish people too, because

Speaker 1 they were worse than

Speaker 1 our whites. Yeah.
And you know who was the absolute worst? Asians. Well, they are the most rapid.
The Japanese are the other worst.

Speaker 1 No, Koreans are the worst. Koreans very.

Speaker 1 No, they're not. We read on this show that they have the largest unbroken chain of slavery in the history of the world.
Korea. Aside from that, though.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 That were great. That's it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.
It's insane. Yeah, but do China,

Speaker 1 the countries that Japan occupied, do they speak Japanese? No.

Speaker 1 They let them keep their language. Right.
But the Spanish did not. You talk like we talk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? That's a Spanish accent?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Spanish, the Spanish Inquisition, very bad Spanish Inquisition. But people just want to talk about whites.
Oh, you want to talk about white people being. What about the Spanish Inquisition?

Speaker 1 Very not good. No bien.
No bien.

Speaker 5 I think they consider us white.

Speaker 1 Right. Who does? Not us.
Well, exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm not inviting you to a party. Let me see your papers.
Where were you on Jan 6? Were you there? Did you go to the anniversary? I was looking. Yeah, he was thinking about it.
For me,

Speaker 1 Jan 6 was a hell of a holiday this year because it was my holiday, of course, storming the capital, but then also it's Puerto Rico. It's Little Christmas.
I know you said that. It's so wild.

Speaker 1 That's the Puerto Rican Little Christmas. So I had a big, big day.
That was my big day of the year. Little Christmas.

Speaker 1 Little Christmas. Pequeña Navidad.
Pequeño Navidad. What do you do on Little Christmas? Three Kings, Three Kings Fest.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, in Puerto Rico, we just kind of, I give my family gifts wrapped up in aluminum foil.

Speaker 1 And they infuse that foil to clean with it. Yes.
Like I'm going to go fucking stream. Yes.
And then I say, come on, this is what we're going to take our lunch with.

Speaker 1 Best day of the year. Best day of the year.
When you pack the kids' lunch,

Speaker 1 what's the lunch that you pack?

Speaker 1 So, like, sometimes when Jazz makes lunch, she makes like good, you know, like lunch for them, like sandwiches and stuff.

Speaker 1 Jazz, who's Jazz? Jazz is my girlfriend. Jazz.
Jasmine, my girlfriend. My girlfriend, the mother of my kids.

Speaker 1 But the other day, my kids, Jazz, she'll have early, she's a fitness instructor so she'll have early classes sometimes and she asked me to back the kids lunch and the other day i didn't i had no idea what to give them for lunch so i just took out tumblewares and i gave them leftover tortellini alfredo and tumblewares and then they couldn't eat it because it was like frozen together and they called the school like you know they're like that she you know your kids have no lunch they can't eat this lunch and jasmine was like what What did you give them for lunch?

Speaker 1 I was like, tortellino, Alfredo, and Tumberwares. She was like, are you a fucking asshole? Why would you do that? I was like, What did you want me? They don't have a microwave at school.

Speaker 1 Fucking heat it up. No, the kid, they won't let, dude.
You know what it is crazy with my with how much the world's changed the pandemic?

Speaker 1 This is one of the biggest, most fun parts of lunch that they've taken away. My kids in school cannot share their food with their friends, you can't do trades.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know, I would trade you a dunkaroo for some kimchi. Yes, yeah, they kimchi, by the way, probably wouldn't make that trade.
Yeah, oh, why?

Speaker 1 I'd be like, Don't talk to him, he has nothing good to offer.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Go chijang, nothing.

Speaker 1 No, I would say, Bobby, why is my food is barking?

Speaker 1 So, but

Speaker 1 they won't let them trade food anymore. It sucks.
That is bullshit. That was such a big thing in school

Speaker 1 swapping. Yeah.
Because there was always a kid who had all the good shit.

Speaker 1 I never got good shit. I never had anything fucking.
They made me eat lunch at school. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 My kids eat lunch at school. No, no, no.
They didn't pack. We had food at

Speaker 1 school lunch. We used to have school lunch.
The fucking fucked up pizza, all that stuff. Tater cocks.
Shitty pizza. Yeah.
Burgers. How often did you steal? Did you steal the food from the cafeteria?

Speaker 1 No, you know what I would do? I was escape.

Speaker 1 We belonged to Stone Ridge Country Club. Ooh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. Family.
Stop licking your lips after you say so. Why? Why? I don't know.
I love it.

Speaker 1 It's devious. So we went to Stone Ridge.
We would escape, go to Stone Ridge. They had a restaurant.
And because my parents remembers, I used to get gourmet hamburgers and then sign it over.

Speaker 1 Right. That's unbelievable.
You live like this. Yeah, yeah.
And then I would go back to school. It's fucked.
And people were like eating these fucking ham sandwiches.

Speaker 1 I just had a gourmet fucking thick ass French fries. Oh, my God.
Diet Coke. Steak fries.
Yeah. Love it.
Yummy. And a Sunday.
I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time.

Speaker 1 And I'd put the burgers in my pockets. I'd have

Speaker 1 as many burgers as I could put in my pockets. Yeah.
I loved stealing from school. That was like my favorite thing.
Dude, how much shit could I steal? Just steal it all.

Speaker 1 I would say, I was a big thief because I didn't want to pay for it. I didn't have any money anyway.
Right. My school had, did you guys have this?

Speaker 1 In the 80s, we had a

Speaker 1 fucking whole area with a fence smoking cigarettes. Yeah, smoking.
We had smoking. Yeah.
Yeah, we had a smoke. In high school.
No, we couldn't smoke. Kids just smoking cigarettes.

Speaker 1 We had a patio off of the main, off of one of our main

Speaker 1 kind of like, oh, actually, it was a freshman sophomore cafeteria, and there was a junior, senior area. And then off of there was an indoor, there was a patio, and kids could smoke out there.

Speaker 1 If you were a senior, you could go out there and smoke.

Speaker 1 I thought that was so fucking wild because I didn't think much of it until later that I was like, wow, that's crazy that you used to be able to fucking just walk outside and smoke and come back inside.

Speaker 1 I was scared because it was the heavy metalers. It was a cool guide.
It was a cool guy. And we had Mexican heavy metal people, so they're scary.
They're the scariest. They're the scariest.

Speaker 1 They all look like slash.

Speaker 1 They're scary.

Speaker 1 The honey buns. I used to like honey buns.
And the honey bun, the machine, the honey bun machine was over by the smoking door. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I fucking never would go over there if there was older kids by the door smoking because I didn't want them to make fun of me.

Speaker 1 You know, but so if there was, if there was nobody outside, I'd go get a honey bun. But that was my biggest deflection: was smokers.

Speaker 1 I've been trying to talk about my love life all day, man.

Speaker 1 You haven't even brought it up once.

Speaker 1 And then I want to talk about my love life. Yeah.
Are you doing good? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 I have a new theory. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to edge love.

Speaker 1 So you're going to edge love. You're not even doing what I'm talking about.
You're not going to go. You're not edging in sex, but love.
You're not going to go all the way in with love.

Speaker 1 I'm not even going to meet them. Well, that's not.
Well, I don't know if that's edging.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to check it out. I think you've misinterpreted what edging is.
No, no, I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. Okay.
All right. May I explain? Please.

Speaker 1 Like, in like in sex, right?

Speaker 1 I'm about to come. I'm about to come, right? But I don't come.
That's edging, yeah. That's edging, right? Yeah.
I'm going to see her. I'm going to see her.
I'm not going to see her.

Speaker 1 Right? So it's that, so that mystery and that, you know what I mean? Like, what's going to happen is always there. And then you just never see each other.

Speaker 1 Could you be filling this time doing something constructive?

Speaker 1 What do you mean, man? I don't know, like comedy or job or like anything. No, this is side stuff.

Speaker 1 But you're not really doing it. Yes, I am doing it.
It's like you're mapping out the plans to a building and you're never going to build it. That's exactly.
You're edging architecture.

Speaker 1 Why would you be an architectural edger? What? Why? Because it's like dream of it.

Speaker 1 Because what I realized is once you hook up, it loses that magic. Sure.
Well, that's a piece of it. Yeah.
It's all about the chase, the anticipation of it all. The hunt is better than the kill.
Right.

Speaker 1 So it's like, what? I said, such a drug addict.

Speaker 1 That's a drug addict thing. Why are you

Speaker 1 chasing the endorphins of it? That is the definition of what you're doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I realize being single, and once you do it, and then once you're in the smashing and you come and you do all that, it loses something. So I'm just going to try this for the next year.

Speaker 1 This is, dude, this is why TikTok, every girl on there is like men are fucking me up. Why? Because this is gonna fuck them up.
No, are you masturbating to them? No,

Speaker 1 you have to

Speaker 1 lie. What? That's a terrible lie.
Yeah. In fact, last night, I haven't masturbated in four days.
And

Speaker 1 what? You haven't.

Speaker 1 I'm not revealing this, but I swear to God, four days I didn't masturbate. Last night I go, you know what? Bobby deserves a little session.
Right?

Speaker 1 So, you know, my, you know, the, um, I have a machine.

Speaker 1 I have a machine. Suckmaster 3000.
Right, but it broke because I got too much water in it. Oh.
Because I do it in the bathtub. Right.
So, like, the electrical components rusted. Rusted?

Speaker 1 Yes, I put the batteries in there and sitting in the tub. Why do you do it in the bathtub? I have to do it in the bathtub.
You have a water jerk? Yeah. He likes

Speaker 1 to freeze it. It's attached to the wall.
Yeah. But I got too much water in it.
It rusted. Yeah.
So I took the actual vaginal part out. Yeah.
Right. Right.
And I've been gripping that and doing it.

Speaker 1 Sure, sure. Right.
That's fine. So what? What if? No.
What if you got rid of the vaginal part and then just gripped it with your hand? Have you ever done that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've done it so many years with that. Okay.
Tired of it. Oh, you're over it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're over it. I'm over it.
So it is. Did it.
It ain't broken. I know.

Speaker 1 When I would get bored of like my hand, I would jerk off with my catcher's mitt. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah, so that part. You're talking about your girlfriend's face.

Speaker 1 Let me finish my thing. So last night I'm in the bathtub and I was like, fuck, I can't fuck it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. So I'm going to edge it all.
Oh, you're edging all of it? I'm edging all of it, dude. What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 I mean, I think we voiced it halfway through. It was a bad idea.
I think it's going to work. I think it sounds like a bad idea.
It does. It sounds like a bad idea.
Let me try it, though.

Speaker 1 I think, what about abstinence in general? Just say no thank you to everything. And then you don't have to set yourself up.
Because I like the cutesy shit. Okay.
That's mine. I like the babes.
Right.

Speaker 1 You want to be a cutesy poop. Hey, babe.
Hey, babe. My podcast every Thursday.
Every Thursday. Yeah, go check that out with Sal Volcano.
What? What's your love? What's your love?

Speaker 1 You want to talk about yours?

Speaker 1 Oh, well, no.

Speaker 1 You sounded like you wanted to.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I was going to think of a Kalila joke, but I couldn't.

Speaker 1 No, I'm good. My thing.
Oh, you want to fuck Kalila? No.

Speaker 1 No. I actually don't.

Speaker 1 Why don't you say it's nicer? Do you want to hang out with her?

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't.
You love her so much. I don't want to fuck Kalila.

Speaker 1 So funny, dude. I'm crazy.
So uncomfortable. I'm a crazy person.
Hey, whatever, dude. You only live once.

Speaker 1 This might all be a simulation. You ever think about this? Let me put this theory.

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard this? Some of you ever heard this.

Speaker 1 What about this? This is brought up by my podcast partner, Mike Cannon, who's with me now on my podcast every week of Chrissy Chaos.

Speaker 1 Is that that guy little guy there? No, no, Mike Cannon's back on the East Coast. That's Don DePetta.
That's Lil Don. And then Steve, that's Steve Ciccone Ricarone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Steve Ciccone. Where do you get like a little Manson guy like that? A little Stevie, like that? I got him at the guitar, I got him at Guitar Center.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he was on the show. He's got like the handsome structure of the face, but if he was taller, it'd be good, but he's so small, so it ruins it.
Yeah, he's like a wish, he's like a wish.com version of

Speaker 1 another guy. He's almost there, but not

Speaker 1 town. You're going to do shows down.
This will be out by the time you already did it. What are you doing in Brea? Where are you? No,

Speaker 1 I'm doing the Magnolia Theater in San Diego, and then I'm doing the Wilturn Theater in L.A. And let me tell you, I got two words: big mistake.
Kids about 50% sold on both shows. Big mistake.

Speaker 1 Where's a Wilturn? Huge. When's a Wilturn? Saturday, this Saturday.
It'll sell. We'll tweet about it.

Speaker 1 I literally have 50% of the rooms sold on both. I was like trying to beg my edge.
I was like, can we just cancel? And he was like, no.

Speaker 1 Bring up Christie Comedy right now. Yes.
And I also need help in Nashville at the Ryman. Kid bit off more than he can.
GG.

Speaker 1 We love. We had a great time at the Ryman.
At the Ryman, yeah. Two upcoming shows there.
Upcoming shows. Yeah, I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of comedy.
No, dude. No, you're not.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. It's just an honest feeling.
Give me the money. I'm hoping it's going to go away.
It's the Wilturn. There it is.
Fuck me. Let's see.
Let's see how bad. Go to the seat view map.

Speaker 1 We'll just see what it looks like. Yeah, we want to see what it looks like.
Let's see what a shit fest this is. No, what do you mean the floor is totally sold out? No, dude.
No, no, no. Up top.

Speaker 1 But I'll tell you what. Plus symbol? Yes.
Go to the plus symbol in the top right. See it? Click on that.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 What do you mean that's sold out? That's all out. Andrew, Andrew, no, you know what they do here.
They're blocking out seats on the digital map so it forces you to buy.

Speaker 1 I don't think i've sold though you're sold out there's curtain no there's curtains up i would say you're selling out no you're selling out i'm telling you there's no way i have that many tickets bob and i are going to promote it you're selling fine you're not going to come to our city and not sell out

Speaker 1 but it wasn't missing i'd be when i come to la we probably should just do the comedy clubs that's probably the better idea well here's the problem it's like with me and this guy in new york like i'll be i'll see you in a week when i go to new york I when someone's like, hey, do you want to go play?

Speaker 1 What did I play that you came to? I played City Town Hall. Town Hall.
Yeah. And they were like, you want to do that again?

Speaker 1 No, I'd rather just play the seller and whatever and work out because it's a workout city. LA is tough, too.
It's a workout city. We're all here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I also did the Brea improv, the Oxford improv. Well, those are good because they're away.
Right. But I would assume it has something to do with.

Speaker 1 Why don't you just do Irvine and Improv? You guys have so much money. I should have.

Speaker 1 It was, I probably next year moving forward, you know, if I.

Speaker 1 Hey, we're playing Reno. We're doing the Grand Sierra.

Speaker 1 I mean, my tickets there are so beyond dog shit. It's unbelievable.
What do we do? What a full fucking zero I am. What are we at? No, you know what's funny? I I have like 500 tickets sold out.

Speaker 1 If there's 2,500 seats, I mean,

Speaker 1 let it low. I mean, there is, you cannot imagine.
I think I have 10% of the rooms sold there.

Speaker 1 I'm just going because the next day I'm interviewing Jerry Rice at the Super Bowl. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's cool, right? Wait, you're in Reno what day? February 8th, Friday. We're there on the 3rd.
We're there before you. Shaiza.
Yeah, but our tickets are bad in Reno, too. You know why? Fucking.

Speaker 1 It's a casino. It's a casino in Reno.
It's a nice guarantee up front, so that's why I took it.

Speaker 1 And I love state capital, so Carson City's capital in Nevada is 20 minutes away. But

Speaker 1 I mean, they're laughable. The only one I'm doing good in is the Warner Theater in D.C.
That one's almost sold out. Hey, guys, let's be the comics that only do clubs now.
We shouldn't.

Speaker 1 We just want to make the money.

Speaker 1 It's just too much. We're playing 10 shows at big theaters coming up.
After that, after the audio, I was like, what the fuck? And then I'd do a Segura thing in the summer, and then after that, clubs.

Speaker 1 But you guys are. Yeah, let's talk about our little beef.
You're leaving me for Segura, huh? Oh, come on. No, go ahead and say it.
Go ahead and tell the world what you did. I call him up.

Speaker 1 He goes up to Hawaii for Segura. He does a show for him.
And then he tells me, I'm going to do a bunch of shows with Segura later, too. Oh.
You're leaving me for Segura. Six.

Speaker 1 Six shows. That's as many as we're doing in the new year.
Right. We did 50, you and I.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
And then you're a bona fide, one of the greatest headliners. You know what I mean? Not me.
No.

Speaker 1 So I'm just, I'm just, wherever the wind takes me, I go. No, it's okay.
If that's how you want to end this whole thing, it's okay. It's no, we're not ending.
Dude, if this is how you want to end.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. See?

Speaker 1 what he's doing. Let me say something.
I'm sorry, guys, yeah, all right. I want to say something real in here, dude.
Tom Segura, I mean, he's famous, yeah. You know what, you know what, Bobby?

Speaker 1 You know what? I think you've been hearing in your head in your Asian head. I think you've been hearing you've been mispronouncing the word loyalty for loyalty.
Loyalty, you think you're loyalty, wow,

Speaker 1 loyalty. So, that L and R is a big one for you right now.
Thank you, you think you're loyalty, but we're saying loyalty, loyalty.

Speaker 1 You want to talk about loyalty?

Speaker 1 You want to talk about loyalty right now, dude?

Speaker 1 Are we doing Australia?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we are.

Speaker 1 Guess who's not going? Russell Crowe.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm doing six shows. I'll never do it again.
No, no, it's okay.

Speaker 1 Does it hurt my feelings? Yeah, it really does. Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah. Are you being real? Yes, Tom Segura.

Speaker 1 Those guys? You're going to go with those guys? Me, Tom, and Jessica Curson.

Speaker 1 I love Jessica Curson, but Tom Segura?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. He doesn't need two lesbians.
He doesn't die to me.

Speaker 1 He doesn't need two lesbians.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, DeStefano is here. Dude, I haven't seen you in so long, my little fucking buddy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 5 That's why they don't have Asians on the show.

Speaker 1 I will rip your fucking bags. Honestly, start Asian hate again.