Barnacle Bobby & Lice Balut w/ Rudy and Her Sister

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Who? Look at who's through.

Speaker 1 It's the competition. The competition is on for only a couple more weeks, ladies and gentlemen.
You got to go to badfriendsmerch.com. We're competing to see who can sell more shirts.

Speaker 1 And the loser, the loser,

Speaker 1 has to do what, Robert? The loser has to massage the other guy. Butt naked.
Butt naked. On camera.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's going to see it across the universe.

Speaker 1 So this is my little beautiful I'm Bobby Mom shirt. And he's got his beautiful little cartoon to show them.
Something about his, though. It's a great shirt.
It's a catchphrase. Yeah, it's great.

Speaker 1 Glorious.

Speaker 1 But you can find that in Etsy. No, no, no, no, no, no.
But my point is that this one right here, this Miyazaki one, man, it's so original. It's cute.
You can wear it out. Yeah, you can wear it out.

Speaker 1 Okay. But this one you could wear in.
So wear this inside. Go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com for this.
Only two more weeks left of this competition.

Speaker 1 Once the competition's over, we don't sell the shirts anymore. That's it.
And also, this weekend we're in Salt Lake City.

Speaker 1 Then Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson. Then we finish in Vegas.

Speaker 1 April 20th. April 20th in Vegas.
We end the tour. So that's it for a while.
We're not going to tour again until 2025 or something. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Hey, ladies.

Speaker 1 You say you've done this before. Yeah, she did it one time.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Good to see you. When did she do it? Huh? When did she do it? I forgot.

Speaker 1 She did it.

Speaker 1 Last year. At the end of last year, right?

Speaker 1 All right, let me see if I won the millionaire jackpot. And this was given to Bobby because Carlos hit Bobby's mom in the face.
It's pretty hard.

Speaker 1 Ten top prizes of a million dollars. Any of your numbers match the winning numbers.
Okay, so the winning numbers are 15, 2, 28, 36, and 4.

Speaker 1 Now, if I win, is it just me and you, or do we going to give some to the girls? Good zombies. Yeah, obviously.
Not with that attitude. Yeah, after that attitude.
You know what?

Speaker 1 You dictate. We deport them.
Deport. Okay, good.
If I don't win, you get deported. We're deporting them.

Speaker 1 So if I don't win, even a little bit, even like a dollar, you guys are both going back to the jungle, baby.

Speaker 1 You know where you are?

Speaker 1 You're in the Philippines, baby.

Speaker 1 And you're going to die.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 4, 36, 28, 15, and 2. Let's go.
So.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. Get out! Get out! I don't want to go bugged.
Too bad. Too bad.
Not my problem.

Speaker 1 Dude, the lotto dictated all that.

Speaker 1 36, man. I was two off, twice.
Really tough to win these things. I don't ever get these things.
My whole family loves playing the lottery,

Speaker 1 and it's the saddest shit. But the big lottery right now, I just saw on the news.
What's the power ball up to right now? 88 million. Oh.
Wow. Shouldn't we get it? I'll buy the ball.

Speaker 1 You buy the power ball?

Speaker 1 Wow, that would be amazing. How much is that?

Speaker 1 Is that ball? What is it made of? The power ball itself? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Money. I feel like there's liquid in it.
What's in there? It's like boba. Boba.
The power boba ball. But also just unicorn cum.
Is inside there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's where it's been the whole time. Is unicorn cum good? No.
I don't think so, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no. It's probably rainbow color.
It's too because unicorns are so physically active. Right.
Right? It's got to be.

Speaker 1 I feel like it would taste good. Like what? They make Starbucks drinks out of that.
Out of unicorn. Unicorn cum?

Speaker 1 Trial of a venti unicorn, uh, unicorn cum, half sweet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't know. Is that like a side menu, special menu?

Speaker 1 That's in the Philippines. Oh, in the Philippines they have it.
Oh, you have unicorn cum and Pog Pog.

Speaker 1 Pogwag? Pogpog? Oh, he wants me to go pogpogging. Where you go singing.
You know what Pogpog is? Sifting through the trash.

Speaker 1 What's Pogpog? Pogpog. Where you go sifting through the trash? Yeah, yeah.
What is Pogpog? Pogpog is two unicorns.

Speaker 1 Fucking. No, no, no, that's not Pogpog.

Speaker 1 It does make that sound. It does make that sound.
You're right. Pogpog.
Pugpogpog. But isn't there a dish in the Philippines called Pogpog? Pogpog? Yeah.
P-A-J-P-A-J. Pugpug.
Pogpog's like...

Speaker 1 He sent it to me. Yeah, I sent it up.
Look it up. It's when you go dumpster diving and you make food out of dumpster diving.
Oh. What's it called there? Look, Pugpog.
Pogpog.

Speaker 1 I've never had it, but I know it's a bit of a drink. Wait, how do you say it? How do you say it again? Pogpog.

Speaker 1 What the fuck did I say? I say. Well, let me hear you.
Hold on, hold on. Pogpog.
Say it again? Hogpog. No, you say it.
Pogpugbug.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're sounding like bug bug. Oh,

Speaker 1 bug bug. Okay.
So what it is, look at these photos. You dig through the trash.
We'll go back to the Wikipedia because I think it says there's a literal definition of it.

Speaker 1 It's the tag-along term for leftover food from restaurants, usually from fast-food restaurants,

Speaker 1 scavenged from garbage sites and dumpsters and then you collect a dinner out of it you guys have never heard of this before or i've seen the exact reel that i think you're talking about wow that's just interesting oh so you've never seen people eat it no

Speaker 1 oh because i thought that you ate that and did a shot of unicorn come

Speaker 1 it's probably a tradition somewhere yeah yeah well that's tagalong you guys speak the other one tagalu right what is it

Speaker 1 which one do you speak

Speaker 1 okay fucking shut up

Speaker 1 how many are there that that island is the size of like los angeles There's a lot of dialects. How big is the Philippines? It's not that big.
It's not that. It's small.
There's just a lot of islands.

Speaker 1 There's just so many people, though. It's too many.
Not too many. No, I think so.
It's a good amount. Home to 120 and 180, between 120 and 187 languages.
That is fucking absurd. Too many.

Speaker 1 In America, we have one. Three.
Spanish. Oh, yeah, Spanish.
Spanish, baby. Spanish.
Is there a better language? Than Spanish? No. It's the most globally spoken language, right? Is it really?

Speaker 1 I thought English dominated.

Speaker 1 No, Chinese. Mandarin.

Speaker 1 Chinese.

Speaker 1 It's Mandarin.

Speaker 1 You know what? Chinese is Mandarin.

Speaker 1 Since you've been here, you've been very fucking like. You know what?

Speaker 1 Since you've been gone. Yeah.
I gotta have a breath for the first time. They're killing us.
I gotta let them go. So good.

Speaker 1 I have to introduce for the people that are going to be able to do it. All right, so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hello.
Welcome to another episode of Pop Tiger Belly.

Speaker 1 I mean, Pop Bad Friends.

Speaker 1 Bad friends? I mean, because I see them all the time.

Speaker 1 They'll get so angry. But anyway, ladies and gentlemen, let me start over.
Ladies, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to another episode of Bad Friends, the greatest podcast on earth with the greatest host, Andrew Santino.

Speaker 1 What a handsome young man, leading actor, big star. Give him a round of applause.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. I love this podcast.
Anyway, we've got two.

Speaker 1 We got two beautiful. We got, you know, a regular here.
She's a part of the family. We've got fucking Jules here, but then her sister from the Philippines is here for a couple of weeks.

Speaker 1 You're leaving tomorrow. I am.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was really good to see you. And so give her a research.

Speaker 1 What's your Instagram tag? Because I know you like followers.

Speaker 1 Because you always want me to like, you always like, should I tag you on this? No, because you're going to be able to. Oh, you want to repost it? No.
Every time we take a fucking photo,

Speaker 1 she wants to be famous. So every time we take a photo, you're always like, you want to collaborate?

Speaker 1 And I'm always like, fuck you. So my point is, throw your Instagram out.
Okay, it's Izay Bera, but with a double Z and an R. Okay.
Double R. You heard it here first.
Yeah, yeah. How old are you now?

Speaker 1 I'm 15. Don't show her Instagram to anybody.

Speaker 1 What are we talking about? She's a kid.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was so weird. And when the people

Speaker 1 from here found me, they started bombarding my DMs with the weirdest thing. Gross.
This is disgusting. This is our family here on this show.
You can only

Speaker 1 DM or even follow her, click to follow her. Is it private? Private.
Oh, yeah. Good.
And you can only even try if you're under 17.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Under 17. She has a boyfriend now.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, in general, even if, like, what does that have anything to do with anything, right? I know. You do have a boyfriend? I do.
How old is he? He's 16.

Speaker 1 For a second, I thought she said 60. And I was like, oh, my God.
Welcome to America.

Speaker 1 He's 16. You're 15.

Speaker 1 He can drive. No.
You don't have cars there. What? Oh, you.

Speaker 1 Is it like the Flintstones with their family?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. But he can.
Oh, it's in the Philippines. That's right.
I forgot.

Speaker 1 Do you get licenses there at 16 or no? No.

Speaker 1 You can only get the.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the student's permit is at 17. And then 18 is the legal driving age, but no one really drives.
No, there's a.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could afford. Your dad's a lawyer.

Speaker 1 I like his car. I don't want his car.
What does he have? Oh, he just has an Elantra, but he like tweaked it, so it's like. It's a tricked-out out elantra

Speaker 1 yeah wait andrew i want to tell you can i tell you something yeah we are the best country in the world we are we really a lawyer drives an elantra i know tough times over there

Speaker 1 a mitsubishi elantra is top tier yeah but they have running water that's good

Speaker 1 that is that your cousin's name running water no but they did they at one point they didn't have running water remember no way yeah no they did no they didn't no but your dad has a tricked out elantra and you love it yeah is he gonna give it to you I hope so.

Speaker 1 Me too.

Speaker 1 We'll tell him. We can ask him.
Yeah. Let's ask him.
And then you have

Speaker 1 two little brothers. Yeah, they want it too.
They want the competition. Oh, really? Yeah, but you're the oldest.
Yeah. So you get it.

Speaker 1 Are they still crazy or no? Every time I see them, they're just running around in circles. Oh, the youngest is crazy.
Oh, I just want to punch him all day. You don't like him? How old is he?

Speaker 1 10. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. He's a child.
But he's just so. But they grow up faster there.
No, they don't. Yeah, he has a mustache like fucking Manny Pacquiao.

Speaker 1 They all have they're born with mustaches in the Philippines. What were you gonna ask me? What? Oh, no, I was gonna tell you that my mom has like the biggest crush on you

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 why is there a dick pic on your house? What?

Speaker 1 What's up? Of what? Of like dicks. There's like a big dick and like small, small dicks like around it.

Speaker 1 Polaroids? What are you doing? You have dick pics at your house on the wall? I literally have no idea. Whose dicks are they? I literally have no idea.
Whose dicks do you have on your wall?

Speaker 1 I literally have no idea. Whose dicks are on your wall at your house? First of all, I'll be here right now and back your house as zero.
Back up right now, Dad. No, because you don't do this.

Speaker 1 I don't like being changed. You disrespected me, first of all, and called this fucking

Speaker 1 belly tiger bullshit, whatever the fuck that is.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to your house. If there's other dicks on that wall that aren't mine, we're in a fucking fight.
It's your dick, dude. No, it's not.
I know. Is it orange? It's kind of orange.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was your dick. Oh, all right, then we're cool.

Speaker 1 Anyway, can I explain the dick pic or no? Please. We're all waiting.

Speaker 1 So, you know, the Wednesday meeting I go to? Yeah. Right? So I go to this Wednesday.
That's what you guys do at AA. No, that's not what we do.
So there's this guy named, I can't say his name because.

Speaker 1 But anyway, there's this guy who's a newcomer, and one day he goes, hey, let's do a Christmas, like an elephant, whatever, Christmas elephant thing, right? A white elephant?

Speaker 1 Yeah, whatever, wherever you draw a name out of the fucking thing. Yeah.
So I get him for some reason, right? And I brought, I forgot about it. So I brought cash.

Speaker 1 So I gave, I gave a friend of my $100.

Speaker 1 And then this other guy gives me a beanie. Inside the beanie was that fucking Polaroid of a dick pic.
Of his dick? I don't know whose dick it is. But when I opened it up and I did it, I go, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I said, just put it on the ledge.
You kept it. But why is there like one big dick and then like small dicks around it? Wait, wait, in

Speaker 1 a photo? You really are in Hollywood. Yeah, in one photo.
Yeah. Did I take it? I don't know.
Dude, this is what Cat Williams was talking about.

Speaker 1 You're in Hollywood, dude. You're getting weird dick pic Polaroid proposals.
You are fucking Hollywood. No.
Who's more Hollywood now, Bad Friends fans? The guy that has dick pics on his wall? No, no.

Speaker 1 So that's. Wow, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm not ashamed. You're evil.
You're in this. I'm not evil.
I'm not ashamed.

Speaker 1 Who did you have to suck to get that fox deal?

Speaker 1 Oh, we want to give you a show.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. So, anyways, why did you put it on your wall? Why didn't you stick it?

Speaker 1 Oh, my my God, you guys are fucking. Where is it? Yeah, if I was ashamed of it, why would I put it with a drawer? I'd put it right there.
Throw it away. It's funny.
People walking up this

Speaker 1 gigantic dick pic. It's funny.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Would you have dick pics in your house, guys, just laying around? Carlos, thank you.
Thank you, Carlos. Thank you, Carlo.
Thank you. That's why you're in the program, too.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But I mean, you know, if you're going to. First of all, do you want to clean my house again?

Speaker 1 Again? You're telling everybody the inside secrets of my house. I'm just telling like weird stuff in your house.
Yeah. You have have a dick on display.
Thank you. I'm not ashamed to bet.

Speaker 1 And I'm also this, right?

Speaker 1 It's so contradictory what you just said. You're mad about it, but then she's like, no, it's displayed.
You're like, right.

Speaker 1 I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed.
I'm manning up. But my point is this, okay? Is this next time you see some stuff like that? But I can't keep a secret.
I can't tell it.

Speaker 1 See something, say something. Thank you, Rudy.
Okay. You got to teach them right.
They're doing good. Yeah.
And then why is it when you clean my house,

Speaker 1 if you want to talk about things then? Let's talk about things. Right here on the show.

Speaker 1 Talk about whatever you you want on the show why is it why is it when you clean my house and stuff like that um i see your phone it's on uh right and you're in a different room okay you're in a different room cleaning but who's on the phone oh my boyfriend yeah yeah and he's just laying there like this yeah what yeah so she's cleaning another room like you're facetiming and he just lays there but he's not even she's not in she's downstairs

Speaker 1 because we just like she's downstairs right and i'm i'm getting a drink you know in the kitchen and i look i see her phone, and I see this gigantic nose. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What?

Speaker 1 He doesn't have a big nose? No.

Speaker 1 He doesn't have a big nose. Does he have a big nose? No.
See? It's not wide. No.
Okay. It's normal.
From where you're from.

Speaker 1 But from here, dude? Yeah. It's snuffalope.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Your nose is not even normal. So don't make fun of me.

Speaker 1 Oh, go ahead. Call me out.
What's up with my nose? What is up with your nose?

Speaker 1 Tell me about my nose. Why is it not normal? Let me see lift up yeah it's yeah well not all good yeah it's pretty really good pretty normal yeah yeah anyway why do you have this kid he's your slave

Speaker 1 what do you mean it's creepy that he's watching the house but you i'm not even in the room but you have to stay on you know i mean on the phone face on face time we just like to stay on call it's normal for us the fact is he likes it yeah

Speaker 1 it's love maybe no that's not love that's weird he just lays there while she cleans yeah yeah That sounds like some weird fetish shit.

Speaker 1 No, because he's watching something and we're just doing different things, but staying on call. Does your boyfriend stay on FaceTime with you when you're doing something?

Speaker 1 Maybe it's just what young people do. It's what they do.

Speaker 1 Is he whipped? No. FaceTime my wife? Are you fucking out of your mind?

Speaker 1 I live with her. Yeah.
FaceTime? No, you don't do that. You don't do.
I mean, we FaceTime if I'm like across the country on the road. But your boyfriend lives in the same city.
You call him.

Speaker 1 It's different. Young people do FaceTime shit.
Okay. They love FaceTime.
Anyway. How many times have you done FaceTime?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? In general. You never do FaceTime.
I do it every night. To who?

Speaker 1 To who? I've been FaceTiming with somebody every night. Who you been FaceTiming? Cleveland.

Speaker 1 Who you been FaceTime? You know what, dude? What's going on here today?

Speaker 1 What is going on here today? That's why everybody wore your shirt so they could call you out for shit and make you not feel bad. Yeah, anyway, I do FaceTime.

Speaker 1 Are you FaceTiming with someone that you enjoy right now? Yeah. How long do do you stay on FaceTime with this person? Half an hour, maybe.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 Do you remember when we were young and we'd talk on the phone to someone we liked for hours? No, when we were like young, young. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And they would sit on the phone for hours and hours and hours. You guys don't know about landlines.
No,

Speaker 1 when I went on the road, my first road date was in San Antonio, and I was seeing this girl, Jennifer Field.

Speaker 1 Remember the girl that texted me when I was 23 and I ate her fucking vagina in her mom's closet? Who could forget? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who could forget? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I remember going to because I was opening for Mencia Carlos Mencia and we're at the that San Antonio mall LOL not LOL it wasn't even there yet it was in the mall the other one yeah right and they had this weird like condo that I had to stay in and I remember from after the show maybe it was like I was one o'clock in the morning I talked to her till like eight in the morning yeah on a landline

Speaker 1 on a landline yeah and she was like I love you I miss you you know I mean be falling asleep and wake up and keep talking yeah I miss those days. Me too, man.
Never going to get that ever again.

Speaker 1 Now, these kids just stay on FaceTime where they clean other people's houses. Now, when a girl calls me, I treat them like a telemarketer.

Speaker 1 I got to go. I can't.
Wrong number. Wrong number.
I can't.

Speaker 1 Rocket money. I have so many subscriptions.
Too many, honestly. On my phone and all my iPad, all my stuff, right? And it's like, I don't even, I'm losing money as we speak.
Tons of money.

Speaker 1 And what does Rocket Money do, dude?

Speaker 1 Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills we all want to lower our bills in the new year we're all sick of paying for stuff that we don't want to pay for anymore you got to use rocket money they have over five million users and they've helped save their members an average of 720 dollars a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions you never got to get on the phone with customer service um look i've used rocket money to cancel a bunch of stuff that i didn't need a bunch of apps and also i signed up for stuff they have reoccurring charges you guys know what i'm talking about when they say first month is this much and then you forget how much the next 10 months are, and it adds up.

Speaker 1 Rocket Money finds it and gets you to stop paying unnecessary bills. That's right.

Speaker 1 They'll even get you a refund for the last couple of months wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you up to 20%.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is take a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. Stop wasting money on things you don't use, guys.

Speaker 1 Cancel your own unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. That's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.
Rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. Butcher box.
I love meat, dog.

Speaker 1 you know i love money i love protein and i love high quality uh meat and that's the problem right now a lot of times people are getting meat that's not high quality uh and and they don't know where to turn to go get it they don't want to go to a butcher shop they don't go to the grocery store now you can easily find high quality meat and seafood you can trust it's 100 grass-fed beef right free-range organic chicken pork raised crate free and wild caught seafood humanely raised no antibiotics or hormones none of that stuff injected into your food get rid of that crap there's nothing better than driving up in your driveway and seeing a butcher box box outside your body.

Speaker 1 That's so exciting. I know what I'm making for the next pork chops.

Speaker 1 Salmon. Salmon.
I love those little critters. And pork and chicken and beef.
I'm a beef eater. I do love it.

Speaker 1 And 100% grass-fed is the only way to go because there's so much stuff out there that's nasty and inhumanely raised. Butcherbox is doing it the right way.

Speaker 1 New members get two pounds of ground beef, three pounds of chicken breasts, or two pounds of salmon for free in every order for a whole year. Plus,

Speaker 1 $20 $20 off your first order. $20 off your first order as well is insane.
Sign up today at butcherbox.com/slash bad friends and use that code bad friends to choose your free offer and get $20

Speaker 1 off.

Speaker 1 But you know, here's the thing about young love, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been asking around to people,

Speaker 1 where has it gone?

Speaker 1 Young love? For me? Well, you're 52. I know.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying young love. Where's old love? No, no, no.
I don't mean old love. I'm just saying the feeling feeling of like...
You know, St. Andrew's retirement home is right down the street from me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Come by sometimes.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What I'm saying is the feeling of like you're in a pink cloud, butterflies.
You get that. No, I don't.
You don't get that anymore? You don't get it.

Speaker 1 I remember in your age, it was intense.

Speaker 1 It's different. It was like...
But you're feeling it for the first time. Yeah, but it was just like, oh my God, this is it.

Speaker 1 This is going to fulfill every

Speaker 1 dream. No, because

Speaker 1 you always get betrayed. It lets you down.
Yeah, yeah. In some way, you're going to get let down.
But.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is, I'm trying to find that in my life now. But you're going to get that feeling.
No, I haven't felt that since I was their age. You'll get a different version.

Speaker 1 What about Ati Kalailo when you first met her? I did get with her for a couple years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But anyway. No, but you're going to find it in a different way.
Stop rubbing your tits.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Stop it. No, I just.
Stop. You're going to get it.
It's a warm feeling.

Speaker 1 No, can I just do that? You're going to get me hard if you keep doing that. I know, but

Speaker 1 I want to feel it in my chest, like love. You're gonna get the love.
It's just gonna feel different. You're not that young anymore.

Speaker 1 Your viewpoint on the world is different. So you're not gonna feel the same.

Speaker 1 You know what it's like for an addict? Remember the first time you got high? Yeah. Greatest thing in the world.
Yeah. And then the second time and the third time and the fourth time you got high.

Speaker 1 And by the 50th time you got high, it didn't feel like the first time you got high at all. It was kind of a letdown.
I think that's what it is. So you're looking at it looking for the old high.

Speaker 1 You need to chase the new high, not drugs. You need to chase love in the way of like, or like this is just who you are now.
They should have a business, like a black mirror episode,

Speaker 1 a place where they wipe your memories.

Speaker 1 You Scientology is open 24 hours a day, I know, but just a place where I can just restart. Well, when you die, I think you restart.
You think so? 100%.

Speaker 1 I think when we die, we restart into another soul and body and entity. I think you've died a thousand times, you just don't know it.
Not as Bobby Lee, but as other shit. What do you think I was?

Speaker 1 Before this? Yeah. A worm.
Samurai.

Speaker 1 A samurai worm? Oh, yeah. A samurai worm.
A noble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if you were a unicorn? Oh, that's why you love it so much. I don't love it.
That's why you're mentioning it now.

Speaker 1 I'd rather have Minotaur. I'd rather have Minotaur come then.
You're definitely not Minotaur. No, no.

Speaker 1 You're a Minotaur? I'm definitely more a Minotaur than you are. Yeah.
But I'm not. You're not a Centaur.
You're not a Centaur. Oh, fuck.
Why not? You're a unicorn. You're a worm.

Speaker 1 How about a siren? You're a worm. No.
No. I'm not a worm.
You're a warrior. A worm's not a mythological creature, a worm.
Sure, it is. Worms have been around for billions of years.

Speaker 1 A worm is not in the folklore of.

Speaker 1 It is now.

Speaker 1 How about it? Can I be a worm like in Dune? No. Yeah, yeah, I want to be a gigantic worm.
No, you're an earthworm. You're a little tiny baby earthworm.
No, no, no, I want to be one of those

Speaker 1 in the desert. Uh-oh.
Dune, dune. I want to be a dune worm.
That's you. You're an Asian jumping worm.
No, Google Dune worm. Google Dune worm.
That's an Asian jumping worm. That's a Dune worm.

Speaker 1 You're a Dune Worm. Dune Worm, dude.
No, you're not. That's me.
No, you're not. No.
Yeah, that's my butthole. No.
Have you seen my butthole? Exactly like that. No, it's not.
What?

Speaker 1 It's got the lines and everything. Look, that's me, dude.
You're an Asian. And that's pussy right there, those two girls.
You're an Asian

Speaker 1 They're going into your butthole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're an Asian jumping worm.
Okay, well, then what are you then? Ask the girls. What was I in my previous life? I feel like Tito Andrew would be like a horse.
Yeah, a centaur. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's me.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he gets a good one. Yeah.
I get one. No, no, no.
But you've okay, okay, how about this, girls? What was he before he was a worm? Maybe, maybe you were the one that rode Tito Andrew.

Speaker 1 That's right. I rode him.
You rode on my back. You were like in my horse hairs.

Speaker 1 No, it's.

Speaker 1 No, dude. Okay, check it out.
No, it's like those, you know, on a whale?

Speaker 1 Right? They have the little fish that cleaned their back. That's you.
That's not me. 100%.
That's you.

Speaker 1 You're the barnacles on the whale. Oh, the barnacle.
You're a fucking barnacle. I'm our barnacle on the back.
You're a whale back.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Dude, that looks exactly like you.

Speaker 1 Does that even have a brain and feelings? Do you? No. Okay, barnacle.
Barnacle. Barnacle Bobby.
Yeah, barnacle bobby. Barnacle Bobby riding out of whales back.
All right, dude. Enough.

Speaker 1 Make you feel better. What was he before he was a worm? Because you lived enough.
You lived other lives. Somebody made so many lives.
What was he before he was a worm, girl?

Speaker 1 Maybe you were working on 9 to 5. Yes, you were working on a 2009.
I was working on

Speaker 1 5. Yes.
A regular guy.

Speaker 1 Working on 9 to 5. Yeah.
What? He was a blowfish? Man, you've been working. Working 9 to 5 in a restaurant? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Worker girl.

Speaker 1 Can I speak to the manager? I'm sorry, but the blowfish has forgotten.

Speaker 1 Our drinks came late. Yeah.
Well, I don't have any hands.

Speaker 1 What a shitty server. Shitty.
Or I was a blowfish. You're a blowfish.
Well, let's go to you guys then. Oh, yeah.
What were the girls? Oh, shit. How many varieties of maggots are there?

Speaker 1 You can't make the call because we already made your calls. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, really? So once you make the call, I can't make a call.
Can't make a call, baby. What kind of fucking game is this?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? He to address. Yeah, he's too far.

Speaker 1 I think Rudy.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I can see it now, her previous life. Butterfly, butterfly.

Speaker 1 No, not butterfly. Rudy was...
Dolphin. Rudy was...

Speaker 1 Mermaid. Have you ever been to the Great Wall of China? No.
At the Great Wall of China, there's a little patch,

Speaker 1 a little crack in the rocks, and flowers grow through it.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Coral? Flowers.

Speaker 1 There was a group of wild flowers. And the Chinese government has just let it continue to grow.
So now it's a patch of wildflowers. I think you were a wildflower

Speaker 1 at the Great Wall of China.

Speaker 1 That's good. He said, Where were you before this? I can see it in my head.
Let me see it. Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, I see it. I see it.
I see it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God. I see it.

Speaker 1 I see it now.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 What, what, what? No, she was. Oh, my God.
She was a little ground squirrel. A little

Speaker 1 tiny ground squirrel. And she popped up

Speaker 1 at at a construction site

Speaker 1 in her hut.

Speaker 1 Head came right off.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, it was a tragic.

Speaker 1 That was. Oh, you have the ability? I can see.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Let me see Carlos.

Speaker 1 Oh, I can see Carlos. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. I can see Carlos.
What is it? What was it? Hold on. What is it?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, oh, my God. You remember? Oh, my God.
You know, in New York, in Central Park, they had the horses on the carriages? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the bag that catches all the horse poop?

Speaker 1 Carlos. That's Carlos.
He was a bag of horse shit. Oh, shit.
He was the bag that collected all the horse shit in Central Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. At the turn of the 26th.

Speaker 1 Whoa, you're a gift. Oh, wow.
Well, let me see if I can do fancy. We just have a 1-8-800 number.
Just call me. Yeah, yeah.
Call me now for your free history reading.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's

Speaker 1 Mr. Cheeto.
Mr. Cheeto.
Yeah. Okay, hold on.
Let me see if I can do fancy. Hold on.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, I know.
Oh, would you kid? Can you feel it?

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait. I just gave it to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just gave it to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. What is it?

Speaker 1 He's the um oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what it is.
He's a he lice. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, but not but not on top of human head. No, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 no, no, no, not on a pussy.

Speaker 1 Not a turd pussy either. Not a pussy, not a pussy.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's a, it's, it's a turd. It's a turd.
It's a turd. It's a turd creature.
It's a turd creature. Oh, it's, it's, it's Eric Griffin.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 I like that Rudy said you're a fucking pussy lice. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Women don't get lice. Do we get lice? Do you guys know about pussy lice? Is that a real thing? Yeah, yeah, no.
Crabs.

Speaker 1 Crabs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, the crabs and lice are two different things. Two different things.

Speaker 1 Pubic lice is super common. Tiny insects that look like tiny versions of the crabs you see at the beach.
They live on the skin and coarse hairs. People get pubic lice.
Whoa. No way.

Speaker 1 Have you guys ever known anybody that's got that? No. No.
But we used to have have so much lice on our hair when you were kids. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Really? You know, it was like

Speaker 1 picking it out. Yeah, guess what? Guess what? Andrew and I never had it.
Never had it. Do you know why? Shower.

Speaker 1 It's probably because you wear a lice in your old life. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you died from getting picked, and then you were born as Bobby Lee. Oh, wow.
Picked on, picked. I get it.

Speaker 1 Wait, how do you get lice out of your hair? I don't know. I don't know.
Roll around the dirt. That was how you got light.
I feel like that's how you get more lice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Combing wet hair with a fine-tooth knit comb, remove lice and some knits. There's something called knits.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we used to have a lot. And like eggs and like empty.

Speaker 1 Oh, at the egg. Yeah, yeah, you used to like crawl in.
And I bet you money. I bet your money you eat those too.
No.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, right before it's about to hatch, right? You eat it like

Speaker 1 little tiny balut balls. Oh, we don't eat it.
Yeah, little balut balls. You want some balut with sprinkle of lice? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right, so basically, so you get the little eggs too up there. Yeah.
So lice comes from eggs. Yeah.
They lay them. They're just reincarnating on your head.
Oh, that's interesting. They're so itchy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I bet.

Speaker 1 Do they come from... Oh, imagine that.
That's awful. Oh, that's awful.
You never had lice? No. You never had lice.

Speaker 1 We don't ever get stuff like that. If you live in like a swampy area, you can get like, if you go swimming, you can get leeches.
Ticks? Ticks and leeches from the fore from the woods.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You can get ticks.
And ticks give you Lyme disease. You know what that is? Yeah.
Do you guys have that over there? No. Lyme disease? But you have leeches in the water.
Don't you have leeches?

Speaker 1 Show them a leech. You don't have leeches at all? I've never seen one.
I've never seen one. Oh, they suck on your skin like that.
They suck your blood. They're little vampires.
Who's that?

Speaker 1 Every Tito Bobby was like that. Oh, my God.
Oh, really? Now I'm that too? You were a vampire? You were a leech.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Interesting. She's saying before, before, this was another life.
Another life.

Speaker 1 Ever had

Speaker 1 a good life? You were a 95 blowfridge. Wow.
I was a 95 blowfridge as a waiter. And then you were a leech.
Where? Where was he a leech? Was he working in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 Oh, you were a leech in the Philippines? Oh, in the Philippines. He wasn't working.
He was. He was.
Wait, wait, wait. I was a lazy vampire leech.
No, you were a homeless leech.

Speaker 1 All right, so I didn't even want to work. No, no, you were just

Speaker 1 like, you guys go in and suck the blood. I'm just going to sit here on the corner and beg for fucking.
You couldn't get any blood. You would beg for blood.
You'd sit.

Speaker 1 All the guys would go suck all day. They'd come home and you'd be like, you got any blood? And no one would give you any.
Speaking of blood, I was watching

Speaker 1 Planet Earth. Yeah.
Right? And there was an episode where they have this island where these birch birds, right? Birch bird. A birch bird? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this tiny island, there's not a lot of food and stuff, right?

Speaker 1 So how do they eat? They have these gigantic seagulls that fly over there, right? Because they can't make it to the mainland, these little birch.

Speaker 1 And what they do is they jump on top of their backs, they poke them. their back

Speaker 1 and they start drinking their blood. Whoa.
That's kind of smart. That is very smart.
Yeah. And the fucking those gigantic birds, they don't even know what's going on.
They don't care.

Speaker 1 They're fucking like, you know what I mean? They don't know. Wow.
They suck the blood out of their backs to stay alive. Yeah.
Vampire birch birds, maybe. They're like zombies.
They are like zombies.

Speaker 1 Look at their eyes are blood red.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 So they drink blood. See, right there.

Speaker 1 That's cool. And the big bird doesn't care.
No, you look at him. He's like,

Speaker 1 oh, he just digs in. They dig in.
Unbelievable. So they're just taking advantage of this other bird's blood, but they don't ever eat anything but blood.

Speaker 1 I think there's certain times of the year where they can't get anything, so they go, oh, we'll go blood. They just got to eat blood.
Isn't it unbelievable, though? Look at that.

Speaker 1 Can you even get full with blood? Well, I don't want you to try to find out. Yeah, it depends on how much blood you drink.
I'm sure you can. You can get full off of blood.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You ever had blood? No. Oh.
Someone's not in Hollywood.

Speaker 1 You never been to a restaurant? You ever had baby blood?

Speaker 1 You never been to a restaurant where they offer you blood? Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 You know what's so gross, though? Is

Speaker 1 that bird,

Speaker 1 that little blood bird,

Speaker 1 I bet you

Speaker 1 in a species format would outlive, it has outlived humans and will outlive humans forever. And they're sucking blood.
Meanwhile, we're eating Wendy's and fucking Taco Bell. But you know what?

Speaker 1 Maybe we should be sucking blood to live longer. Here's a concern, though.
What? Because the seagull's gay and he's unprotected.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's

Speaker 1 dangerous blood. Flies back.
That's right. Infects the whole fucking up.
Maybe a bunch of friends perch birds.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 I saw this morning. I was watching the history channel.
I love this stuff. I love the history channel.
I love nature and history. Me too.
Do you like ancient aliens? I love anything that's ancient.

Speaker 1 Me too.

Speaker 1 Nothing current. Yeah, yeah.
No modern shit. Yeah.
You like ancient? Like ancient, old stuff.

Speaker 1 Is there old shit? Like, when you in the Philippines, is there like old ruins that you can go visit and stuff? They're not ruins, but they are old. There's old shit.

Speaker 1 Like old native shit.

Speaker 1 There's no like Mayan temple. Well, the Mayans wouldn't be there.
I mean, just some temple that you guys.

Speaker 1 I don't think temples? No. You guys never did buildings back in the day.

Speaker 1 They still don't have buildings now. I know.
Let me go back to the five ruins. Go back to

Speaker 1 the magical five ruins of the Philippines you just were at. Yeah, ruins of famous ruins in the Philippines.
There we go. Here we go.
Fortune Island. Oh, the sunken cemetery is cool, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's going on there? Oh, yeah. There's just...
Oh,

Speaker 1 that's dope. That's cool, yeah.
Yeah, wait, there's a cemetery that got overtaken by water over the years? That sounds like the Spaniards did this. This is from the Spaniards.
That's disgusting.

Speaker 1 I think this was because of the volcano. Yeah, the Spaniards.
We call them volcanoes here.

Speaker 1 So, Mount Volume. Or that could be

Speaker 1 Aquaman's family. Right there, all dead.
Yeah. Sunken.

Speaker 1 Throw that out. That's not even funny.

Speaker 1 I just throw things out and I go, why did I just say that? Sorry. You guys have never been here.
I've been there. You swam down there? No, we can't swim.
Because they say it's haunted.

Speaker 1 Shut up. It's haunted.
There's so many graves there. I know.
Oh, really? There's a spirits with them. Have you ever seen a ghost in the water swimming doing a backstroke?

Speaker 1 You probably can't swim. So when there's someone swimming on top, they're going to try to reach onto you to get back up in the air.

Speaker 1 Oh, so we're buoys. Yeah.
To fucking ghosts. They drink the blood to you.
But what happens if a ghost catches you?

Speaker 1 What happens in the water? It's not going to kill you. It's going to drown you yeah oh just like in lore of the rings

Speaker 1 you remember no

Speaker 1 what what are you talking

Speaker 1 what are you talking about lore of the rings yeah but when does he cut when does someone underwater in the third movie there's a swamp area and gollum tells frodo not to look but the starry eyes shut the fuck up

Speaker 1 do you remember i'm not a nerd dude that i've seen the movie before do you guys not know this right and so then frodo fucks up and he stares at a... Looks into the water.

Speaker 1 Looks in the water, and there's kind of a dead, glowy eye in there. But doesn't try to get him.
No, but then he goes into a trance. Oh, right.
Then he falls into the fucking swamp. So they trance.

Speaker 1 And then all the fucking ghosts in the water try to grab him. And guess what? The fat fuck Sam

Speaker 1 dives in and gets him. He gets him.
Oh, he's a fatty to save the day. No, it was Gollum, actually.
It wasn't fat fuck. Oh, thank God.
Was Sam and the other guy gay? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, he was.
Yeah, they were. No, they weren't gay, dude.
They came out years later, they were gay.

Speaker 1 They were? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 The internet. It broke the internet.
Look it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Was Sam from Lord of the Rings gay? Is it because they cried a lot on each other's arms? Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, sometimes that happens when you're about to die, too.

Speaker 1 The fantasy science fiction author Marion Zimmer Bradley wrote that Frodo and Sam have the most intense love described in the book. Told you.
Yeah, but it's the kind of love me and Andrew have.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shut the fuck up. Hold up, back up.
First of all, it's the love that you and I have. Pictures of my cock are in your hallway.

Speaker 1 Same thing as Sam and Frodo. That's what I'm saying.
It's the love we have. Yeah, gay.
It's not gay.

Speaker 1 Most guys would argue. No,

Speaker 1 check it out, dude. We go down to Alabama and talk about our love.
No, it's. This is gay.

Speaker 1 Our love is so. That little Chinese and Irishman are fucking gay, dude.
Y'all seen that Chinese dude, that little fucking red-headed Chinese dude?

Speaker 1 Them dudes is gay, dude. They flirt all the time.
He kissed his nutsack one time on live streams. I did, I did.
But that's not gay. Okay.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Let me just explain myself real quick. And I want to be real.
Not even in a comedy way.

Speaker 1 All right. And I really believe this, okay? Okay.
I believe that you and our love is so intense, right? It's on the edge of gay, but it hasn't crossed the line.

Speaker 1 It's so close to gay, it's a million miles away. Exactly.

Speaker 1 So basically, what I'm saying is that if you and I went on a journey,

Speaker 1 much like Frodo and Sam. You're saying like a date? No, well, yeah.

Speaker 1 A date journey, journey, however you want to say it. Right.
And we're having meals out in the forest. Some call it picnics.
Okay. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I just call it second breakfast. Second breakfast.
Yeah, right. Me too.
Yeah. And you and I, you know what I mean? At nights, because it's cold at night.
It is. Right?

Speaker 1 Because we're trying to get to Mordor. It's far away.
Yeah, what do we do? Get naked and hug each other. Butt fuck.
No, we don't fuck each other.

Speaker 1 We don't butt fuck. We don't butt fuck.
We just get naked and holding up. We get naked and hold because of our body warmth.
Body warmth. Yeah.
And we're so comfortable with each other. That's right.

Speaker 1 Right? Butt fuck. No, no, we don't butt fuck.
We don't. We sleep first of all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, noise.

Speaker 1 Who's the little spoon? Yeah, yeah. Come on.
Yeah. And also, could I just say.
I'm a fucking ladle. Yeah.
He's like a little baby spoon.

Speaker 1 Also, the ring is so dangerous that we wrap it around Andrew's dick. Right?

Speaker 1 And my butthole is the safe.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 It has to turn and lock. Yeah.
But that's not gay. We're protecting the ring.
That's right. No one can pull me out.
Once I'm in and locked, we can't get out. And we sleep, right?

Speaker 1 go all under the tree watching us going look at these gay

Speaker 1 right right but so we do that right and then in the morning when we go travel we unlock and this and i i do a little sigh like oh

Speaker 1 you know what i mean and then we go on our voyage again right every night we do the routine lock the we lock

Speaker 1 we lock the rig into the safe

Speaker 1 right but that's not gay dude that's just keeping the ring safe yeah we're keeping it safe i really commend you guys for keeping it thank you yeah but then when we get to the the fucking when we get to the mortar when we arrive we try to throw it in

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 we both die yeah we both

Speaker 1 because we forgot to unlock

Speaker 1 we just jump in together yeah this is how we want to go yeah yeah yeah

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Speaker 1 Display, collect your passions. Are you sad that you're going to go home tomorrow? Yeah, I'm pretty sad.
When are you going to come back to the States? Do you even know? No. No, it's undetermined.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Last time you were here was a year or two ago. A year? A year.
God, that's wild. So do you usually come every year, though, or no?

Speaker 1 Yeah, lately. Once a year.
Yeah. Well, you came for her birthday.
I remember that. Yeah.
Once a year is a good. Are you going to end up moving here? You said you wanted to last time.
I want to.

Speaker 1 I think she should come for college. Well, you've still got to get through high school first.
You never know if she might not graduate. But can we do the same

Speaker 1 program? I got good grades. Yeah.
Can we do the same thing we did for you? Same program. Well, you came in high school, right?

Speaker 1 And you lived at my house. You came your senior year, right? Junior.
Junior.

Speaker 1 And we walked you through high school. Why can't we do the same for her?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 She can. You want to do that?

Speaker 1 I guess.

Speaker 1 She's going to miss. Yeah.
She doesn't want to miss. So, why don't you finish high school, dump your boyfriend, and then you can move to the States? But also, we've got white boyfriends here.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, yeah. Your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend's brown. Yeah.
Oh, man. We got some

Speaker 1 good whites. We got some upgrades.
Some good whites. Well, he's not brown, actually.
He's not brown. He's the whiter side of the Philippines.
I know, but

Speaker 1 wait till you get here. Yeah.
Wait till you see how white some of these guys are. It's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 The skin is so dry. Top whites.
Top whites. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And we also, we have blacks, too. We have everything, really.
We have everything here. Yeah, everything you've ever had.
We have a more variety, so why not? Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 In the Philippines, if you go to a 31 flavor, do you know what that is? They don't know that.

Speaker 1 that basket robins an ice cream oh basket and ice cream place right is there only one flavor there no no we all poop yeah poop yeah yeah yeah one welcome poop

Speaker 1 yeah we have we have all the flavors all the flavors we have every single one you've ever dreamed of and more she likes her boyfriend don't dump your boyfriend have fun and then come but move out here why don't we do that yeah yeah

Speaker 1 nah

Speaker 1 had enough with her what do you mean well here's the deal one comes in one's got to go

Speaker 1 you got to to go back. That's the deal.

Speaker 1 No. Fancy came in because someone left.
That's the only reason it was.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I mean from Spain.

Speaker 1 When you come here from Spain, you have to send a Spaniard back to Spain. That's the only way it works.
It's reciprocation.

Speaker 1 It is. We're full.
Don't you listen to Donald Trump? We have too many. We're fucking full.
You're poisoning the blood. Yeah, that's true.
You're poisoning the blood of pure Americans. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 You're American.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing anything. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Your boyfriend, right, is an American, is he not? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if you guys had a baby, what happens? Green card. Poison the blood.
But the blood's poisoned. No.
Yeah. No.
No? It's up to you. I'm not going to have kids.
I'm going to abort it.

Speaker 1 All right, all right. All right.
Okay. Man, hey, she really is American.
Hey, yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
What does that say? Schools in the Philippines have a stricter management.

Speaker 1 They have stricter management than the United States. They have a higher standard of education.
Do they really? Well, I'm not surprised. Look at this fucking country.
We're upside down.

Speaker 1 Higher standard of education than the Philippines. Students are taught well.
Teachers are considered second parents to the students. Wow.
Are your teachers like your parents?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like best friends. Like you hug them goodbye and stuff.
Yeah. That's insane.
I fucking, my teachers, opposite. Yeah.
Hated. Hated them.
Hated. Hated them.
They hated me.

Speaker 1 I fucking hated them. Hated them, man.
We were bad kids. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Really bad.

Speaker 1 What happens with bad kids in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 I don't know. There's not even a detention.
Yeah, there's no detention. What? There's no detention.
There's no suspension of the tension.

Speaker 1 We'll go talk to the principal or something.

Speaker 1 What does he say? Stop being so bad.

Speaker 1 Stop being so bad. Stop something else.

Speaker 1 Be better.

Speaker 1 Because I remember on the third grade, someone stabbed someone with a pencil. Right.
What is it, prison? No.

Speaker 1 It's there, Sandy Hook.

Speaker 1 There was a mess stabbing today

Speaker 1 with a number two pencil.

Speaker 1 And you know how hard those are to acquire? So he stabbed him with the number two. Did he die? Nothing.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened, but he was still there. He was still going to school.
Nothing happened.

Speaker 1 And that's a talked about thing. Wait, wait, wait, so a student stabbed a teacher with a pencil? No, no.

Speaker 1 A student stabbed another student. Right.
What if that kid still had the pencil in his neck?

Speaker 1 Can't take it out? Can't take it out. He draws with it.

Speaker 1 Very good. What does that say, though? You go back.
It said there's never ever been a school shooting in the Philippines. Yeah, the school shooting faster.
are fucking. Why can't we do this?

Speaker 1 They don't have guns. That's right.
There's no guns in the Philippines. The cops have guns.
They kind of hung. It's illegal to have.

Speaker 1 It's access. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but wait a minute. The cops do have guns, though.
Yeah, yeah, they call it. There's got to be some bad cops doing bad shit, though.

Speaker 1 Cops, see, the cops are up to no good. Yeah, there was one shooting at Ateno de Manila.
Oh,

Speaker 1 Ateno de Manila. It's at a university.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that high school there? No, that's a college.

Speaker 1 College.

Speaker 1 Wow. Shoot.

Speaker 1 Oh, Ateneo.

Speaker 1 Atheneo is a good school. But that's a good school.
Think about this, though.

Speaker 1 English is

Speaker 1 a second language to them, right? Of course. But look how great she speaks.
Yes. We don't realize that that's, you know, her language is her native tongue.
I know, I know. And she can do.

Speaker 1 They're smarter than us. I think that's what they do.
They pay more attention to shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be able to tell a difference. I don't think.
Would you, if she said she was born here? They sound identical. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. And she's been here for much longer.

Speaker 1 But I think she has more of like a American or something. She has better English than me because I feel like I still have the accent.
Well, she's smarter than you. That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a big piece of it. Hey, can you guys talk like a Valley girl? Oh, yeah, let's hear you talk about that.
Yeah. See? She can do it.
That sounds exactly.

Speaker 1 For the next couple of minutes, just talk that way.

Speaker 1 Say, today, I want... What do kids do? The mall?

Speaker 1 Order a coffee. Oh, yeah, I'm so good at this.

Speaker 1 I do it on purpose in the Philippines. All right, let me be this.
Let me be the guy.

Speaker 1 Hey, don't. Hi, can you? No, let me.
Oh, here's the sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 Where are you? The Philippines. She's here.

Speaker 1 I can still have it. Let's do it like that because that's how I do it in the Philippines.
I always purposely do it.

Speaker 1 That's not the accent. No.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Bose.

Speaker 1 What's the local coffee shop called there? Yeah. We don't have one.
There's no local. Just Starbucks.
Only Starbucks. Or Coffee Bean.
Welcome to Coffee Bean. Box.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Bose. Bose.
Welcome to Bose. Can I take your order, please? Hi,

Speaker 1 can I get a grande matcha latte, please? Oh my god. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 That's so fucking. That sounds exactly like a valley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Rudy, you try.
Now it's Rudy's turn. Okay, welcome to

Speaker 1 sitting up. Hi, can I get an iced vanilla latte? You sound like you.
Yeah, you. I didn't even fucking try.

Speaker 1 You need the valley to ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can. You go far crazier.
Try it. Yeah, yeah, there we go.

Speaker 1 Get your body into it. Yeah.
Hey, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, queen. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I get an iced vanilla latte? Oh, that's pretty good.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 One with autism, but still.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's great. This is so, that one's so good.
So good. That really sounds like, if you close your eyes,

Speaker 1 say,

Speaker 1 oh my God, I lost my valet ticket. Oh, my God.
I lost my valet ticket. That's...

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, dude. We got to get an agent.
When I close my eyes, I literally see like a white chick. I do too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's what some of my friends say, because I do it with my friend a lot, and then it's become like my accent, kind of.

Speaker 1 Who taught you to, where did you hear to do it? Were you just from China? Online. Online.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The internet.
But then I would meet new friends on the internet and they would think I would be a white girl. Wow.
Wow. What a superpower.
You could catfish. I can't.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. Cat queen.
Wow, you should catfish as a white girl. I have catfished.
Really? I got money from it. Wait, tell me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, I have to tell you guys something. Okay, okay.
I have, okay, so you know how you stalk people on Instagram, right? No, we don't. You don't.
I've heard audit people. I stalk people.

Speaker 1 You mean you're saying look at someone's Instagram, like an ex-boyfriend or something like that? Yeah. Yeah, but you make another account.
It's like a Finsta. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. You know what's a Finsta?

Speaker 1 A fake one. Yeah, a fake account.
I know what it is. And you stalk it.
Yeah. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 I have a fake account because I saw a reel and it was like it was something about like having a finsta right and so i was like i'm gonna make an indian man finsta so i have i'm just i have an account where i just act like an indian man and then i talk to my mom on it

Speaker 1 oh yeah i tried scamming her for an iphone 15 and she replied to me no she did wait a minute did you you're you tried to pretend that you were a guy interested in dating your mom no i tried to scam her

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I can't say the username because everyone's going to know. Yeah, don't say it.
Don't say it. Wait, how did you get money? Who gave you money? Oh, no, no.
I didn't get money from that.

Speaker 1 I got money from Discord. What did you do on Discord to get money? I would pretend to be like a really cute Japanese girl and they would give me like nitro.

Speaker 1 And like, one time I got Minecraft, but then when I stopped talking to them, he took it away. I was so mad.
How much money did you can you get on Discord? Um, I didn't get money, money.

Speaker 1 I got things like

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 you could buy with money. Wow.
It's crypto, basically. Crypto.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing.
Now, what you do, you need to be a full-time scam artist.

Speaker 1 Why not? But do you do an Indian accent or not? No, I can't. Okay.
Yeah, but you should really think about being a full-time scam. No one's a criminal anymore, like that, a professional criminal.

Speaker 1 That's not out to hurt people physically,

Speaker 1 but a professional scammer. That'd be great.
Dude, dream big.

Speaker 1 Dream fucking big. Think about it.
There's some old guy right now. There's some really old guy, right, whose wife died years ago.
He's got six or seven million dollars. He doesn't know what to do.

Speaker 1 You could steal from that guy. Yeah.
Yeah, he could be dead soon. You could steal from that guy.
I'd support that.

Speaker 1 Because the money is going to you guys anyways. It's going to my family.
That's right. That's right.
So you should support it. Yeah.
That's very good. All right, INS get in here.

Speaker 1 Get in here now. Yeah, yeah.
That's amazing. You know what's so funny, though?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Carnegie, you guys don't know. You know who Carnegie is? No? Carnegie was one of America's richest men, right? And Carnegie believed that if you die rich, you're a soulless man.
So he gave away.

Speaker 1 Look up how much money Carnegie gave away at the end of his life.

Speaker 1 This guy

Speaker 1 gave away most of his fortune at the end, and he believed to influence other rich people to be philanthropic. It was kind of the turn of the century.
He was like, people should give away.

Speaker 1 He distributed $350 million and had $30 million left, which went to corporations' endowment fund towards other things. He pacifists had a single goal, achieving world peace.

Speaker 1 So, Carnegie believed if you die with money, you're kind of a sucker. So, he tried hard to give away all of his money.
Benjamin Carnegie's son. Yeah, fuck.
Dad. I got fucking $10.

Speaker 1 A bus ticket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm so pissed. Well,

Speaker 1 this influenced

Speaker 1 many other rich families, richer than him, to do the same thing, which was kind of interesting. I watched the whole thing about this.
It was fucking insane.

Speaker 1 But he was, but because the amount of wealth acquired by him

Speaker 1 was equal, I think they had said at the time, was equal to like $62 billion that he ended up lording over and then realized it was worthless. He couldn't do anything with it.
Wow.

Speaker 1 He had too much money. More money than anybody we ever have seen today.
Because what's our richest guy on earth today? Has like upwards of 12, 20 billion, something like that? Elon Musk. Elon Musk is

Speaker 1 not in the 200. Oh my, holy fuck.
Holy fuck, that's a lot. I didn't know it was in the hundreds of billions.
That's a lot.

Speaker 1 Is the only person who also lost 200 billion? And got it back. He's also Bobby Sage.

Speaker 1 What? Wow. Oh, you're saying we're a failure.
No, he's just saying

Speaker 1 that's a pretty big gap of achievement.

Speaker 1 I know, I know, I know. But think about, this is my point.
What the fuck is he going to do with $229 billion?

Speaker 1 Give it to us. He should.
He should. You listening here, Elon? Can you imagine? I watched your podcast.

Speaker 1 Genghis Khan, all these guys, sick trillionaires who lived on earth and reached the pinnacle. Genghis Khan, Akbar the Great.

Speaker 1 Wow. But

Speaker 1 you don't know that, though. Just give out all your money when you're dying already.
You should. If you're dying, what the fuck are you going to do with it?

Speaker 1 You should give it all away when you're dying. Yeah.
If you're dying, you should spend a lot, have fun. How do you know when you're going to die? I think if you reach an age when you're like,

Speaker 1 hey, man, it's probably soon. Yeah, but still, you still don't.
You're like in hospice,

Speaker 1 right? And you're getting all the treatment, you know, the rich man treatment,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 When do you do it?

Speaker 1 the day before?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think it's like an immediate death. No, I just want to know, man.
On your deathbed, you push the button. Right? You go, okay, all of you.

Speaker 1 You can draft up a fucking living will, and then in your living will says, Oh, I see. That's what I would do.
Yeah, on my final. But right now, because when I'm alive on earth, I still want all of it.

Speaker 1 Well, you don't want all of it. No, to the end.
And then when I'm dead, then you go. Bad boy.
No, no, no, bad boy, because you're going to still. You're just like Genghis Khan.
That's right.

Speaker 1 I am. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 You should give it away.

Speaker 1 i will when i die when once i'm no longer conscious and here yeah then i'm gonna i'll have it all worked out with my lawyers who would be the most unlikely person that you would give money to when you die oh my god there's so many

Speaker 1 you're gonna give people money that you know like don't deserve it or you don't like anymore just be just to like show them up or something oh you know what that's cool i you know what i would do i would give people money and just go listen dude on your fucking jackass while i was here and a complete and other fucking asshole and i fucking every time i hear your name or saw you, I wanted to vomit.

Speaker 1 All right. But dude, here's a million dollars.

Speaker 1 That's like the best revenge. Isn't that cool? Yeah, that would be a cool way to say fuck you.
Fuck off. Have you ever heard the Adam Sandler story

Speaker 1 about Adam Sandler was at NYU in college and drama school? I might be misquoting, but, and I guess one of the professors took him out for a beer and the professor was like,

Speaker 1 you don't have it. You just don't, I'm sorry, but you just like don't have it.
Like,

Speaker 1 you're such a great guy, but like, you got to find another thing, dude. Like, this is not going to work out.
Comedy? No, no. Yeah, well, acting and comedy and everything.
Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, Adam was obviously like, well, fuck that. I'm not going to stop.
And the guy was like, I'm just telling you, I just don't think this is going to be your lifelong career. Wow.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And then at the height of Adam's career, when he's like tip-top, I guess he's in a bar with a bunch of friends. Yeah.
And sees this professor is there. Wow.
Right.

Speaker 1 And an opportunity to go up to him and what endless of possibilities.

Speaker 1 What would you do? Well, hold on, let me finish. Okay, this.

Speaker 1 This is what kind of guy Sandler is. I love it.
I love it. He walks up to the professor with his friends and says hello to him.
His professor says hi.

Speaker 1 And he turns to his friends and he says, you know what? This was the only professor that bought me a beer.

Speaker 1 And then introduced him to his friends, and that was that.

Speaker 1 I know. Class.
Talk about a grade A, classy guy, Sandler. Really classy.
What a fucking cool fucking dude. He could have done so many smartassy things.

Speaker 1 not rude but like he could have been like i guess it worked out you know what i mean like professor remember that's a thing professor remember adam sandler no does he remember saying that to out oh if you took a guy out for a beer for sure you remember this wasn't in class if he was like bobby uh next next time you the scene has got to be no no he took him out just him and him for a beer one-on-one to tell him he doesn't think this should he should continue.

Speaker 1 He remembers.

Speaker 1 And after Adam Sandler said that, I would love the professor to double down. And be like, still not working out.

Speaker 1 Or it's like, once that Netflix deal is done, you're shit. You're tired.
Or you, you won the lottery. You know that.
Oh, oh, oh, you're double.

Speaker 1 Right? Right. Like, you still have your garbage.
You still don't have any talent. Yeah.
Right. It would double down.
No. No.
I don't know. What would you say to the professor?

Speaker 1 There's got to be people in your life that at the beginning of your comedy career were like, you're not going to make it in comedy. Or they said something around.
Well, I had one incident like that.

Speaker 1 What? Well, I was just

Speaker 1 sweep his name out. An agent.
his name is

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 i know who he is you do yeah so

Speaker 1 abby sent me a um a meeting with him and we're

Speaker 1 and we're sitting there i'm in his office and he looks at me at across from the desk and he goes

Speaker 1 yeah i just you're not gonna work

Speaker 1 and i go not gonna get work is what yeah i go what do you mean He's like, you're funny, but it's like, you're just never going to work.

Speaker 1 And I go, oh, and he goes, I just don't see it. Wow.
And I go, okay. And I remember tears rolling up in my eyes.

Speaker 1 And then we took the elevator down. Together? No, me and Abby.
Oh, it's just how weird. And my manager was like, it's okay, Sue, we go find somebody else.
Right. And I'm like, I just don't.

Speaker 1 Like, it's pointless. Why? You know?

Speaker 1 And then years later, I was on Mad.

Speaker 1 And David Salzman, the owner of Mad, goes,

Speaker 1 hey, Bobby, come into my office. Like, windows off.
And he goes,

Speaker 1 I need a Hispanic guy as an actor on the show. We've just, we had Nelson and Sencio, but that's been years ago.
So I go, Johnny Sanchez. Yeah.
He's my friend. Yeah.
So he goes, who is that?

Speaker 1 And I kind of educated him. And I called Johnny and I helped Johnny through the auditioning process.
He got the show.

Speaker 1 But his agent,

Speaker 1 wow. Right.
So now we're at the first live, right? And I'm at Video Village. And it's Johnny.
He played Joker, one of his characters, and it was front of a live studio audience.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting at Video Village, and I, because I'm so nervous for Johnny, too, because I want him to hit a home run.

Speaker 1 And I feel a presence right here. And that's it.
It's a smell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not a presence. It's a smell.
Yeah. Right.
And I look and I go,

Speaker 1 I see my peripher. I go back to the monitor.
I go.

Speaker 1 Like I do one of those.

Speaker 1 And I turn around.

Speaker 1 He locks eyes and he's smiling. And I go, hey, man.
And I hugged him. Wow.
Hey, congratulations on Johnny. I'm so happy for him.
That is a classy move. He's like, thanks for.

Speaker 1 But then I regret that. Why? Every single day.
No. I should have done something different.
Bobby, that's a classy move. Yeah, yeah.
Classy.

Speaker 1 I think at the end of the day, you fantasize about all these things, but your true self comes out in those situations and you go, who gives a shit? Because your heart is really good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who gives a shit? But have you had a moment like that? Oh, dude. When I was a PA, when I first moved out here, there was a person

Speaker 1 who was a super powerful executive,

Speaker 1 and I wasn't a big fan. He just was

Speaker 1 pretty diminutive the way he spoke. I was young anyway, but they treated us like shit.
Back in the day, Hollywood, if you were a PA, dude, they might as well have pissed on you in the mornings.

Speaker 1 Like, they fucking, you were dog shit.

Speaker 1 And when I finally went to quit, because I was quitting to go. try to do comedy really like full-time

Speaker 1 and uh i had to say it to one of these people and somebody else and uh i'm being very vague on purpose but but the guy but i said when after i put in my two weeks or whatever the fuck he walked down the hallway because we were going on the same way and he turned to me he's like you really think this comic you're gonna do this comedy thing huh

Speaker 1 and i said i mean i really believe like i really want to give it a shot and he was like hmm you know most people don't make it And I was like, no, no, no, I understand that.

Speaker 1 And honestly, but like, I have to try. And he goes, yeah.
And he kind of like stood there for a second and he looked me in the face and he goes, good luck. But it wasn't good luck as in good luck.

Speaker 1 There's a way to say good luck.

Speaker 1 When I learned the phrasing, the intonation of a word matters, he literally went, good luck. Like, you're fucked.
It sounded like you're fucked. Yeah.
Instead of, hey, man, good luck. Right.

Speaker 1 Different, right? Yeah. No, this was good luck.
Good luck. Like, fuck off.
Good luck.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it hurt me a little bit because I was bummed and I was like, God, these motherfuckers, they think I'm dog shit. And I was out every night doing shows, two shows a night.

Speaker 1 Can I just add something real quick, real quick? Yeah. Those little things, too, because we're so comics are extra sensitive.
Of course. That we replay those things in our head.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see his fucking face. Yeah, they just last a long time.
Forever. They're forever.
Embedded in your... I don't know my mom's middle name.

Speaker 1 I remember that guy's fucking face

Speaker 1 saying that to me. I know, I know.
And then years later,

Speaker 1 I was at an event and I had gotten on

Speaker 1 I'm Dying Up Here. Like I just booked the show.
And it was like in the headlines of like, Jim Carrey produces, you know, hand picks, Jim handpicked us. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 1 And I was at an event, and he was there working for a company, and I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And

Speaker 1 he's there next to me and other people. He's in this group setting.
And I see him kind of looking over at me, waiting to say something.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm like, and I wonder what this fucking

Speaker 1 talking and talking and talking.

Speaker 1 And he turns to me and he goes,

Speaker 1 Andrew, congratulations on the show. And I said,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Wait, no, there's no way. I said,

Speaker 1 there's no way you did that. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 1 Say your name again.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 and I go, I'm just kidding. I'm just fucking around.
Oh, very good. It was a nice, it was just to fuck around.
No, but you still had that little.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a joke. You had a dagger.
A dagger.

Speaker 1 And then he kind of chuckled at it, shook my hand. He said, I'm very proud of you.
Like, happy before. I said, thanks a lot, man.
Yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 And then I kind of broke off and went to get a drink. But it felt so good.
Because I wasn't mean. I was just joking.

Speaker 1 It was clear I was kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I went to get a drink, and man, I got fucking wasted, excited, just drinking at a party. It's like, look at me, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It just felt like. Like, do you think he remembers? Probably not.
Yeah. Probably not.
Because I don't think that's. My guy remembered.
No, they probably don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They don't remember hurting your feelings. No, I have another story.
Give another one, but it's not about that. It's more about like it's kind of that how

Speaker 1 if you're nice, something happens. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was working the back door. I've never shared this story before.
Good.

Speaker 1 And I because it's one of those stories where it's like, I just feel

Speaker 1 it's too magical almost. Too perfect.
It's a magical story.

Speaker 1 You want to hear magic?

Speaker 1 How about you? You bitches like magic? You guys like magical stories? I love magic.

Speaker 1 So I want to name any names, but I was working the back door of the comedy store. And at that time, I had no bank account.
I had no money at all. I had maybe 15 bucks in my pocket.

Speaker 1 And I remember Jason Glern, you know, Jason, right? He going, he's like, you know, you know what I like about you, Bobby?

Speaker 1 You're nice to people, even though you're completely struggling and things are bad.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Calling it out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So one night I was working there and I see this lady in the parking lot. And this is when the comedy store, nobody wanted to go.
There were shootings,

Speaker 1 right? And it just got a bad vibe to it. Yeah.
And I see this lady. She was wearing like a power suit.

Speaker 1 She looked like a businesswoman.

Speaker 1 She didn't look like she belonged. Right.
So I walked up to her and I go, excuse me, ma'am.

Speaker 1 Can I help you? And she goes, I just fucking hate this club. I don't know how to get in here.
You know what I mean? I'm seeing somebody. You know what I mean? I'm an agent.
Right. And I go, okay,

Speaker 1 come here, follow me. I go to the back door and I go, just come into the, I'll get you Mitzi's seat.
And I go, do you want a wine?

Speaker 1 And she goes, I would love some wine. I go, what would you like? I, I bought it because they didn't get it to give it to me for free.
You paid for it. I paid for her wine.
Wow. Right.
Gave her a wine.

Speaker 1 She saw whoever she needed to see. And when she was leaving, she goes, what's your name?

Speaker 1 And I go, Bobby Lee. She goes, you do comedy, huh? I go, yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm doing okay.
I'm about to do premium blend or something, I don't know. You know what I mean? That was a big deal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And she goes, okay.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 she leaves the agency that she's at, and now she's at Fox.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And I'm auditioning for Mad,

Speaker 1 right? And so at the end, the final audition for the test, it was between me and Taryn Killam.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting and they, I, and all, everyone's telling me, you're not going to get it. Taryn's getting it.

Speaker 1 Right. Because they want a white guy and they only have one spot.
But you're just the option.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting there like, I don't think I'm going to get it.

Speaker 1 And I walk into the room. And as I walk into the room, because Taryn had just left, I see the sea of executives.
Because at that time, when you tested, you had to test in front of live.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking worse. You have to audition for the executives and the president.
And they're just sitting in a room.

Speaker 1 And I already know I'm not going to get it. So they're just like,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 But as I walk in, that lady walks in with me. The Fox lady.
The lady that I helped in the parking lot.

Speaker 1 And then they go,

Speaker 1 some of the executive goes, hey, what are you doing here? She's not even supposed to be there. She goes, oh, I'm here to see his audition.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 And they go, oh.

Speaker 1 And as soon as I left the room, I got a call. I got it.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You can't say her name.

Speaker 1 But how wild. Yeah.
Powerful. Do you still keep in touch with her?

Speaker 1 No. No.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. I don't know what.
I think she got out of the business or whatever. But my point is that.

Speaker 1 She's at home right now watching this being like, I'm still in the business.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But I just remember that.
That's powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just be nice. You guys got any cool biz stories? No.

Speaker 1 No biz stories? No. Are you not no biz stories? No.
Rudy, because of the success of you on the show, have you ever gotten offered anything online? Like, has anybody said they want you for something?

Speaker 1 No, nothing. I'm shocked.
I'm shocked too. I would assume somebody would reach out and be like, hey, I want you to be a part of this thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

Speaker 1 Well, listen here, directors, writers, and producers. We'd love you to cast Rudy in something.
Or Issa or even Issa now. Issa.
Well, Issa's going to be fine. Oh, yeah.
We're worried about this one.

Speaker 1 Also, if Issa, you come back and you live here, maybe you could be a part of the family. She is a part of the family.
I mean, but do this, you know what I mean? Regularly? Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 Maybe no, maybe not. No, yes, of course.
Of course. Maybe.
Of course. I want to talk about Joe Coi.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I do. What can I put on some chapstick? Yeah, yeah.
Will you do sexy music while I do this? Okay. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 I love Joe Coi. What the fuck? I said.

Speaker 1 Put on some sexy music while I do this. Oh, you want me to acapella? Yeah, because he's going to zoom in on my face right now, doing it.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 All right, Joe Coi. No, no, no.
All right, Joe Coy. I'm not done.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 All right, so what do you want to say about Joe Coi? What I want to say is that I thought he did a good job at the Golden Globe. I'll tell you why.
Joseph. Joseph.
Joseph.

Speaker 1 You guys know Joe Coi, don't you? He had 10 days to do this thing, right?

Speaker 1 It was a risk. He did the best he could.
I thought that they didn't do any of him any favors in editing.

Speaker 1 Life.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 No, but what I'm saying is editing, like cutting into the audience and seeing some reactions that's what I meant. Oh, right, right, right.
I understand. That's what I meant.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 They didn't do any favors for him. I didn't cut into the person he's mentioning.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Finish what you're saying.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go. No, finish your thing.
I don't want to continue. Please.
I want to hear you feel. You're really, you're really on my last nerve.

Speaker 1 And I want to, no, I honestly want to believe. What I'm saying is, is that,

Speaker 1 dude, you're so fucking rude. So rude.
You're so fucking rude and so funny. So funny.
Okay, go ahead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What I want to say is that, you know, I, because I've known Joe since the

Speaker 1 may I? I didn't say anything. What the fuck? I didn't say anything.
I think you made a noise. I took a breath.
Don't. I hear you breathing into the mic all the time.
Okay, sorry. Sorry.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 You've known Joe for a long time. Yeah.
And what I'm saying is, is that he's a hard worker. He's an extraordinary performer.
And it was like a difficult circumstance he was in.

Speaker 1 10 days to take this gig on.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is that, you know, I love him. He's such a talented guy.

Speaker 1 But here's the thing that people don't get. He's a super kind guy, too.

Speaker 1 And so I just thought, you know, I re-watched it and I was just like, you know what, dude?

Speaker 1 I think he did a great job. You watched it again.
I did. Did Barbie win this time?

Speaker 1 Anyway, Oppenheimer didn't win.

Speaker 1 He got a lot of flack online. My heart goes out to him.
I love him so much, and he will be

Speaker 1 back and he's never going to go away and he's going to kill it. Well, nothing changed for him.
He's a stand-up. Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Anyway, let's win the game. Yeah, okay.
We'll do reading news.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we want to see how good you would be in the business if

Speaker 1 you were in the business. Okay.
Okay. All right.
So the rhythm would be na na na na na na na na na na na na na. Ba na

Speaker 1 right? So try it.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Rudy Jules, and welcome to Rudy News. Perfect.
There we go. Ma gandang aro kababayan.

Speaker 1 First tonight, a manila man named Hernando Guanlao turns his house into a library and local patrons are forever grateful. Public libraries are rare in my country.

Speaker 1 For students Claire Mica Ogoy and Jane Rainfinida, Mangnani's library is a significant aid in studies.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Hernando. That's it with Rudy News

Speaker 1 again, again.

Speaker 1 That's it with Rudy News. I'm Rudy Jules.
Good night. Craig?

Speaker 1 It's not you. You did great.
You did great. Who did the writing?

Speaker 1 It's just not funny. Was it supposed to be funny? funny well

Speaker 1 it's a new the real news story yeah but i thought at one point it was gonna get crazy in it yeah and funny and funny

Speaker 1 yeah we need a writer yeah but you are he is a comedy writer yeah it's just the news i know but i i know i i what we assumed you were gonna do was take the news and interject insanely wild shit well i thought it was already funny the way it was well you're wrong

Speaker 1 just the regular news you no don't take your headphones off yeah yeah

Speaker 1 what's that move me mad at bobby are you gonna make him use you're gonna make him fucking use be nice nice. No, no, no, no.
Sober, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm so happy for your sobriety. Thanks, Michael.
And I know you did your best. But as a comedy writer.
Yeah, yeah. I just, I was

Speaker 1 more like it to get so crazy that we would all be like laughing. You copy and pasted the news.
Well, just the quotes because I can't write them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You copy and pasted, though.

Speaker 1 Not completely. I was reading it and then writing it out myself, too.
It wasn't plagiarized. Like, I thought you were going to go, shama, lama, ding, da, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And just do crazier words. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Show Bob that video then. Show the video that you said I sent you.

Speaker 1 For having me and

Speaker 1 I'm very excited to pitch at degree fear. That one's tough.
That's a tough one. I'm looking forward to go back to that real fast.
That one's the toughest part. That's a tough one.

Speaker 1 Where are you excited to pitch at?

Speaker 1 For having me, and

Speaker 1 I'm very excited to pitch at degree fear. Okay,

Speaker 1 since he woke up that morning, he was repeating Wigglyfield. Wiggly feeled.
Wiggity peeled. Wiggity peeled.
We get a wiggly feel. Wiggity feel.
And the driver is like, wiggly

Speaker 1 feeled. And he's like, wiggity peeled.

Speaker 1 Wiggity leaf peels. That's the mean.
Okay, keep going. They don't make us do that when we go over there.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You know, when like basketball players go play overseas, they don't have to fucking learn the language to do a press conference. That's so hard.

Speaker 1 Is there a word in Japanese that Americans can't say?

Speaker 1 All of them. Everything.
Everything. Oh, you think? We can't speak Japanese.
Well, like,

Speaker 1 give me a little Japanese monologue. I can think I can speak.
Issa, Issa. Yeah, Issa can do it.
You can speak Japanese. Yeah.
Oh, that's right. You were learning it last time.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's give me here? Speak some Japanese. Say, hey, I'm so excited to be here in Los Angeles.
America daisy.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 They really can, they really do everything really more efficient than this, don't they?

Speaker 2 You can say that.

Speaker 1 That's, I'm excited to be here in Los Angeles. But saying tomo cofun stemas is like, I'm so like

Speaker 1 very over

Speaker 1 excited in a way that it's like sexual.

Speaker 1 Really? Really?

Speaker 1 Say, say it again. I want to do that.
I want to try to repeat that. Yeah, let's see.
Can you do it? Absolutely not. Okay.
Do it again. Try it again.
I'm so excited. That's good.

Speaker 1 Just to say, I'm so excited to be here. Just say to be here.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Nope, I have cocoa. I have cocoa.
That's it. I have cocoa.
That's it.

Speaker 1 That's it. Coca-Cola.
One more time. One more time.

Speaker 1 It's so hard.

Speaker 1 I don't understand how that's so hard to do. Crazy.

Speaker 1 As a 15-year-old young person,

Speaker 1 as you're starting to come into

Speaker 1 looking forward into like, you're not a little kid, you're not a grown grown-up.

Speaker 1 Do you start to see the world in a way where you're thinking about what you might want to do in the world? What your contribution? What do you think you want to do in the world? I don't know.

Speaker 1 But does anything interest you like that? Are you like, you know what? I would do for a job would be fun. I should be a scam artist.
Yeah, that's true. We did say that on this show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that was bad to influence her to do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but Izzy, what do you want to do? What would be fun to be as your wife? I should be a realtor. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, she could sell a house. Yeah.
Sell us a house. This is my wife.

Speaker 1 This is my wife, Babina. Okay.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi, Babina.

Speaker 1 What a beautiful house.

Speaker 1 Very beautiful. This was picked especially for you.
Wow. Wow.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 We literally just came here. It's an open house.
No,

Speaker 1 you're supposed to tell me what you want. And then

Speaker 1 it says open house. This is an open house when we walk in.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 I'm Babina. This is my Felipe.
I'm Felipe. That's Babina.
My wife. Yeah,

Speaker 1 so you instinctually know that this is our house? Wow. Yeah, I can feel it from your bones.

Speaker 1 You can feel bone. Bone energy.
What What are you, Army hammer? What's wrong with our bones? Leave our bones out of this. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, Miss, what's your name? Oh,

Speaker 1 Babina. What?

Speaker 1 You have the same name as my wife? Babina? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. No, that's how I knew that you wanted this house.
Can I see your ID real quick?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, sweetie. Look.

Speaker 1 It is Babina. Babina.
Wow. It is Babina.
Wow. Wow.
Okay, Miss. Well, how many bedrooms and how many bathrooms are this?

Speaker 1 It has six bedrooms. Wow, that's a lot.
That's a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's a lot.
How many bathrooms? How many bathrooms? Four bathrooms. Six and four? That's not bad.

Speaker 1 How many square feet?

Speaker 1 You must know the property. You've been here all day.

Speaker 1 How many square feet? Around

Speaker 1 as much as you would want it to be. What would that be? What would that be, the specific number? How many do you think? Because we do have.

Speaker 1 We have certain certain

Speaker 1 certifications.

Speaker 1 How about let's ask my partner. No, no, no, no, no.
Pupina. You have another partner named Papina? No, her name's Pooh Pooh Pina.
Oh, Babina. Poopina.

Speaker 1 Hi, Poo Pina. Hi, Papina.
Oh, she's deaf. Oh, she's a mute bina.
Mute. I mean, she's mute.
All right, so Babina, how many square feet do you think it is? Just guess.

Speaker 1 Maybe around.

Speaker 1 Just throw out a number. Throw out a number.

Speaker 1 Okay. 10? 10 square feet.

Speaker 1 Wow, so six. Wait, wait.
Wait, excuse me for a second. Can I ask something?

Speaker 1 Guys,

Speaker 1 six bedrooms, four bathrooms, ten square feet. This is insane.
This is how they do it.

Speaker 1 In the Philippines. In the Philippines.
Wow. These rooms are so small.
This is unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Well, how big is the lot around it? How many square feet is the lot that we're on? 20. So 20 square feet.
So it's just double. Double the debt.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
How much is it? How much is that? How much is this house? Well, do you want it in around... Do you want around pesos or? Well, dollars would be preferred in North America.
Yeah, and we're

Speaker 1 30 mil? $30. $30 million.
Square feet of land.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Six bed or four bed. Intense.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 30 million. 30 million.
We're going to call her an accountant. I don't know if we can afford it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well,

Speaker 1 can you explain to me the school system? Because we have six kids. Yeah.
Oh. Well, what kind of schools are in the area?

Speaker 1 Well, the one near us actually had a shooting, so I wouldn't recommend it. Oh, there's a just a shooting.
Maybe

Speaker 1 the other closest one would be around two hours away. Two hours? Two away.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I think you're selling us. Yeah.
I think you're selling us.

Speaker 1 We do want to be away from everything. How about crime? Yeah, what's a crime rate out here? A lot.
A lot.

Speaker 1 Tell us how much. A $30 million house in a high crime area.
Yeah, 10 square feet, high crime, no school.

Speaker 1 Six bed, four bath. Six bed, four bath.
Wow. Wow.
There are actually a lot of people that would try to carry your house, so you might be, you might want to be careful of that. Carry it.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's portable. Portable.
So this is on wheels? It's a portable house. We are buying a portable $30 million house in a bad neighborhood.
That they can carry. Huh.
Like, huh. Is there HOA fees?

Speaker 1 What does that cost? Yeah. Do you know what the HOAs are over here? No.
What do you think? Oh, there isn't any? Or there are?

Speaker 1 Because it says there's HOA right on the flyer. Yeah,

Speaker 1 what would that be? What is that? A month. A month.
A month? Yeah. Maybe half half 30 mil.

Speaker 1 So 15 million a month. 15 mil.
So 15 million.

Speaker 1 Let me get this straight.

Speaker 1 HOA fees, 15 million a month. Wow, what a deal.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 Does that provide security of some kind?

Speaker 1 Of course, there's actually

Speaker 1 Poo Pina outside. Oh, so

Speaker 1 she comes with a house. She goes with the house.
She comes with a house. Wow.

Speaker 1 But she can't talk, so if something bad happens. She can't talk and fight.
So she would try to sign the robbery. She would sign

Speaker 1 go away. Beware, okay,

Speaker 1 okay, I see. All right, so are there any other offers on this house? Because we might be interested.
Yeah, yeah. Are there competitors out there? Are people trying to buy this house?

Speaker 1 There's a lot of people who a lot of competition

Speaker 1 might want to buy it now. Wow.
Oh, so people want to buy right now. I see.
What percentage down payment do you require to buy this? What percent? Yeah. Around

Speaker 1 90? 90%

Speaker 1 down payment. So we need to

Speaker 1 fucking

Speaker 1 have $25 million.

Speaker 1 Do we have 25 liquid money? We do. We do.
I know. I just don't know if this is our.
That's all we're doing. That's all we have, though.
$25 million. $15 million a month.
So that's

Speaker 1 a lot. For HOS.
Wow. Wow.
Okay. Okay.
Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I think you got a future in real estate.
Yeah, I do. I do.
That's great.

Speaker 1 All right. So look,

Speaker 1 we're happy you're back. We're sad you're leaving.
We hope when you come back, you come see us. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know how

Speaker 1 we log off the show. So you want to say it? Thank you for being a bad friend.
Perfect. Amazing.