Barnacle Bobby & Lice Balut w/ Rudy and Her Sister

Hey!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Look at the shirt!

It's the competition.

The competition is on for only a couple more weeks, ladies and gentlemen.

You gotta go to badfriendsmerch.com.

We're competing to see who can sell more shirts.

And the loser, the loser, has to do what, Robert?

The loser has to massage the other guy.

Butt naked.

Butt naked.

On camera.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone's gonna see it across the universe.

So this is my little beautiful I'm Bobby Mom shirt.

And he's got his beautiful little cartoon. Show them.
Can I just say something about his,? It's a great shirt. It's a catchphrase.
It's like glorious, right? Yeah, it's great. But you can find that on Etsy.
No, no, no, no, no, no. But my point is that this one right here, this Miyazaki one, man, it's so original.
It's cute. You can wear it out.
Yeah, you can wear it out, okay? But this one you can wear in. So wear this inside.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com for this.

Only two more weeks left of this competition.

Once the competition's over, we don't sell the shirts anymore.

That's it.

And also, this weekend we're in Salt Lake City, then Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach,

Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson.

Then we finish in Vegas.

April 20th.

April 20th in Vegas.

We end the tour.

So that's it for a while. We're not going to tour again until 2025 or something.
Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Hey, ladies.
You said you've done this before, right? Yeah, she did it one time. Hi.
Hi. Good to see you again.
When did she do it? Huh? When did she do it? I forgot. Last year.
Last year. At the end of last year, right? Mm-hmm.
All right, let me see if I won the millionaire jackpot. And this was given to Bobby because Carlos hit Bobby's mom in the face.
Mm-hmm. Pretty hard.
Yeah. Ten top prizes of a million dollars.
Any of your numbers match the winning numbers? Okay, so the winning numbers are 15, 2, 28, 36, and 4. Now, if I win, is it just me and you, or are we going to give some to the girls? Give some.
Yeah, obviously. Not with that attitude.
Yeah, after that attitude. You know what? You dictate.
We'll deport them. Deport.
Okay, good. If I don't win, you get deported.
We're deporting them. So if I don't win, even a little bit, even like a dollar, you guys are both going, back to the jungle, baby.
You know where you were? You're in the Philippines, baby. Yeah.
And you're going to die. All right.
4, 36, 28, 15, and two. Let's go so no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no get out get out i don't want to go back too bad too bad not my problem dude the lotto dictated all that 36 man i was too off but twice really tough to win these I don't want to go back.
Too bad. Too bad.
Not my problem. Dude, the lotto dictated all that.
36, man. I was two off.
Twice. Really tough to win these things.
I don't ever get these things. My whole family loves playing the lottery.
Uh-huh. And it's the saddest shit.
But the big lottery right now, I just saw on the news, what's the Powerball up to right now? 88 million. Oh.
Wow. Shouldn't we get it? I'll buy the ball you buy the power ball gigantic red ball

wow that would be amazing how much is that what's it is that ball what is it made of

the power ball itself yeah oh money i feel like there's liquid in it what's in there

it's like boba boba the power boba ball but also just a unicorn come is inside there yeah yeah wow

that's where it's been the whole time is unicorn come good good? No. I don't think so, right? It's probably rainbow color.
Because unicorns are so physically active. Right.
Right? I feel like it would taste good. Like what? They make Starbucks drinks out of that.
Out of unicorn cum. A unicorn cum? Yeah, the unicorn cum.
I have a venti unicorn cum half sweet. Yeah.
Well, I didn't know. Is that like a side menu, special menu? No, it's in the secret menu.
That's in the Philippines. Oh, in the Philippines they have it.
Oh, you have unicorn cum and pog pog. Pog what? Oh, he wants me to go pog pogging, where you go- You know what pog pog is? Sifting through the trash.
What's pog pog? Where you go sifting through the trash. Yeah, yeah, what's Pog Pog?

Pog Pog is two unicorns.

Fucking no, no, no, that's not Pog Pog.

It does make that sound.

It does make that sound.

You're right, you're right.

Pog Pog Pog Pog Pog.

But isn't there a dish in the Philippines called Pog Pog?

Pog Pog?

Yeah.

P-A-G, P-A-G.

Pog Pog.

Pog Pog's like.

He sent it to me.

Yeah, set it up.

Look it up.

It's when you go dumpster diving and you make food out of dumpster diving. Oh.
What's it called there? Look. Pog Pog.
Pog Pog. I've never had it, but I know what it is.
How do you say it? Pog Pog. What the fuck did I just say? Pog Pog.
Pog Pog. Pog Pog.
Say it again? Pog Pog. No, you say it.
Pog Pog. Pog Pog.
Pog Pog. Yeah, they're sounding like Bug Bug.
Oh. Pog Pog Bug.
Oh, Pog Bug. Bug Bug.
Okay. So what it is, look at these photos.
You dig through the trash. We'll go back to the Wikipedia because I think it says, there's a literal definition of it.
It's the tag along term for leftover food from restaurants, usually from fast food restaurants, scavenged from garbage sites and dumpsters. And then you collect a dinner out of it.
You guys have never heard of this before? I've seen the exact reel that I think you're talking about. Wow, that's just insane.
Oh, so you've never seen people eat it? No. Oh.
I thought that you ate that and did a shot of unicorn cum. It's probably a tradition somewhere.
Well, that's Tagalong. You guys speak the other one.
Tagalog, right? What is it? No. What's one of you speak? Visaya.
Okay, fucking shut up. How many are there? That island is the size of Los Angeles.
There's a lot of dialects. How big is the Philippines? It's not that big.
It's not that big. It's small.
There's just a lot of islands. There's just so many people though.
It's too many. Not too many.
No, I think so. It's a good amount.
Home to 120 and 180, between 120 and 187 languages. That is fucking absurd.
That's too many. In America, we have one.
Three. Spanish.
Oh, yeah, Spanish. Spanish, baby.
Spanish. Is there a better language? Than Spanish? No.
It's the most globally spoken language, right? Is it really? I thought English dominated. No, Chinese.
Chinese. Wait.
It's Mandarin. You know what? Chinese is Mandarin.
Since you've been here, you've been very fucking like. You know what? Since you've been gone.
Yeah. I can't breathe for the first time.
They're killing it. I got to let them go.
Oh, good. So.
You have to introduce for the people that don't. So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
Hello. Welcome to another episode of Tiger Belly.
mean Bad Friends Bad Friends

I mean

Because I see them all the time

Don't get so

Don't get so angry

But anyway

Ladies and gentlemen

Let me start over

Ladies and gentlemen

Boys and girls

Welcome to another episode

Of Bad Friends

The greatest podcast

On earth

With the greatest host

Andrew Santino

What a handsome young man

Leading actor

Big star

Give him a round of applause

Ladies and gentlemen

Thank you so much

I love this podcast

Anyway we've got

Thank you so much. I love this podcast.
Anyway, we've got two. We got two beautiful.
We got a regular here. She's a part of the family.
We've got fucking Jules here. But then her sister from the Philippines is here for a couple of weeks.
You're leaving tomorrow. I am.
Yeah. But it was really good to see you.
And so give her, what's your Instagram tag? Because I know you like followers. Because you always want me to like, should I tag you on this? Or you want to repost it? No.
Every time we take a fucking photo. She wants to be famous.
So every time we take a photo, you're always like, you want to collaborate? No, no, no. My point is, throw your Instagram out.
Okay, it's a Vera, but with a double Z and an R. Okay.
Double R. You heard it here first.
Yeah, yeah. How old are you now? I'm 15.
Don't show her Instagram to anybody. What are we talking about? She's a kid.
You got to be thinking stuff. Oh, yeah.
It like the people like how about this i'm here found me yeah they started like bombarding my dms like the weirdest thing gross this is disgusting this is our family here on this show you can only uh dm or even follow her click to follow her is it private uh yeah good and you can only even try if you're under 17. Right? Under 17.
She has a boyfriend now, though.

It doesn't.

I'm just saying in general. What does that have anything to do with anything right now? I know.
You do have a boyfriend? I do. How old is he? He's 16.
For a second I thought she said 60 and I was like welcome to America. He's 16.
You're 15. He can drive? No.
They don't have cars there. What? Oh, is it like the Flintstones? Right on the back of unicorns.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.
But he can... Oh, it's in the Philippines.
That's right. I forgot.
Do you get licenses there at 16 or no? No. You can only get the...
Yeah, the student's permit is at 17. And then 18 is the legal driving age.
But no one really drives. No, there's a lot.
I mean, you could afford, your dad's a lawyer. I like his car.
I don't want his car. What does he have? Oh, he just has an Elantra, but he like tweaked it.
So it's like. It's a tricked out Elantra.
Yeah. Wait, Andrew, I want to tell you something.
Can I tell you something? We are the best country in the world. We are.
A lawyer drives an Elantra. Yeah.
Wait. Andrew, I want to tell you something.

Can I tell you something?

We are the best country in the world.

We are.

A lawyer drives an Elantra?

I know.

Tough times over there.

A Mitsubishi Elantra is top tier?

Yeah.

But they have running water.

That's good.

Is that your cousin's name, running water?

No, but at one point, they didn't have running water, remember?

No way.

Yeah, we didn't.

No, they did.

No, they didn't. No, they did.
No, they didn't.

No, but your dad has a tricked out Elantra, and you love it?

Yeah.

Is he going to give it to you?

I hope so.

Me too.

We can ask him.

Yeah.

Let's ask him.

And then you have two little brothers.

Yeah, they want it too.

I have a competition.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but you're the oldest.

Yeah.

So you get it.

Are they still crazy or no?

Every time I see them, they're just running around in circles. Oh, the youngest is crazy.
Oh, yeah. I just want to, like, punch him all day.
You don't like him? How old is he? Ten. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. He's a child.
But he's just so... But they grow up faster there.
No, they don't. Yeah, he has a mustache like fucking Manny Pacquiao.
They all have... They're born with mustaches in the Philippines.
What were you going to ask me? What? Oh, no. I was going to tell you that my mom has the biggest crush on you.
Also, why is there a dick pic on your house? Of what? What's up? Of what? Of dicks. There's a big dick and small, small dicks around it.
Polaroids? What are you doing? You have dick pics at your house on the wall? I literally have no idea. Whose dicks are they? I literally have no idea.
Whose dicks do you have on your wall? I literally have no idea. Whose dicks are on your wall at your house? First of all, back up.
I'll leave here right now and get your house to see you. Back up right now.
No, because you don't do this to me. I don't like being challenged.
You disrespected me, first of all, and called this fucking belly tiger bullshit, whatever the fuck that is. I'm going to go to your house.
If there's other dicks on that wall that aren't mine we're in a fucking fight it's your dick dude no it's not i know is it orange it's kind of yeah it was your dick oh all right then we're cool anyway can i explain the dick pic or no please we're all waiting so you know the wednesday meeting i go to yeah right so i go to this wednesday that's what you guys do at AA so there's this guy named I can't say his name because but anyway there's this guy who's a newcomer and one day he goes hey let's do a Christmas like an elephant whatever Christmas elephant thing right a white elephant yeah whatever you draw a name out of the fucking thing so I get him for some reason right and i brought i forgot about it so i brought cash so i gave i gave a friend of my a hundred dollars and then this other guy gives me a beanie inside the beanie was that fucking polaroid of a dick pic of his dick i don't know whose dick it is but when i opened it up and i did it, it, I go, oh fuck, I said just put it on the ledge. You kept it.
But why is there like one big dick and then like small dicks around it? Wait, wait, in one photo? You really are in Hollywood. Yeah, in one photo.
Yeah. Did I take it? I don't know.
Dude, this is what Cat Williams was talking about. You're in Hollywood, dude.
You're getting weird dick pic Polaroid proposals. You are fucking Hollywood.
Who's more Hollywood now, Bad Friends fans? The guy that has dick pics on his wall? No, no. Wow, dude.
I'm not ashamed. You're evil.
I'm not ashamed. Who did you have to suck to get that Fox deal? Oh, we want to give you a show.
No, no, no. Why anyway, that's what that- Why did you put it on your wall? Why didn't you just throw it away? It's not on a wall.
Oh my God, you guys are fucking- Where is it? Yeah, if I was ashamed of it, why would I put it with a drawer? I put it right there. Why would you just throw it away? It's funny.
People walking up, they see a gigantic dick pic. It's funny.
Okay. I don't know.
Would you have dick pics in your house, guys? Just laying around? Carlos, I shouldn't be asking you. That's why you're in the program, too.
Right. But I mean, you know, if you're going to...
First of all, do you want to clean my house again? Again? You're telling everybody the inside secrets of my house? I'm just telling, like, weird stuff in your house. Yeah.
You have a dick on display. Thank you.
I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm also this, right? It's so contradictory to what you just said. You're mad about it, but then she's like, no, it's displayed.
You're like, thank you i'm not ashamed of it and i'm also this right it's so contradictory to what you just said you're mad about it but then she's like no it's displayed you're like right i'm not embarrassed i'm not embarrassed i'm manning up but my point is this okay is just that next time you see some stuff like that but i can't keep a secret that's right see something say something thank you rudy okay you got to teach them right they're doing good yeah and then why is it when you clean my house if you want to just if you want to talk about things then let's talk about things right here on the show talk about whatever you want on the show why is it why is it when you clean my house and stuff like that um I see your phone it's on uh-oh right and you're in a different room okay you're in a different room cleaning but who's on the phone oh my boyfriend yeah yeah and he's just Ew, what? Yeah. So she's cleaning another room.
Like you're FaceTiming and he just lays there? But he's not even, she's not in, she's downstairs. Because we just like, she's downstairs, right? And I'm getting a drink, you know what I mean, in the kitchen.
And I look, I see her phone and I see this gigantic nose. Oh my God.
Oh my God, what? He doesn't have a big nose? No. He doesn't have a big nose.
Does he have a big nose? No. See? Is that wide? No.
Okay. It's normal from where you from, but from here, dude.
Yeah. It's snuffleupagus.
Your nose is not even normal. So don't make fun.
Oh, go ahead. Call me out.
What's up with my nose? What is up with your nose? Tell me about my nose. Why is it not normal? Let me see.
Lift up. Yeah.
Yeah, well. I don't know.
Yeah, it's pretty. Really good.
Pretty normal. Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, why do you have this kid? He's your slave. What do you mean? It's creepy that he watches you.
I'm cleaning the house, but I'm not even in the room, but you have to stay on the phone, on FaceTime. We just like to stay on call.
It's normal for us. The fact is he likes it.
Yeah. It's love, maybe.
No, that's not love. That's weird.
He just lays there while she cleans? Yeah, yeah. That sounds like some weird fetish shit.
No, because he's watching something, and we're just doing different things, but staying on call. Does your boyfriend stay on FaceTime with you when you're doing something? Maybe it's just what young people do.
It's what they do. You don't? Is these women? FaceTime my wife? Are you fucking out of your mind? I live with her.
Yeah. FaceTime? No, you don't do that.
I mean, we FaceTime if I'm across the country on the road, but your boyfriend lives in the same city. You call him.
It's different. They, young people do FaceTime shit.
Okay. They love FaceTime.
Anyway. How many times have you done FaceTime? What do you mean? In general.
You never do FaceTime. I do it every night.
To who? To who? I've been FaceTiming somebody every night. Who have you been FaceTiming? Cleveland.
Who have you been FaceTiming? Cleveland Who have you been FaceTiming?

You know what dude?

What's going on here today?

What is going on here today?

That's why everybody wore your shirt

So they could call you out for shit

And make you not feel bad

Yeah anyway I do FaceTime

Are you FaceTiming with someone that you enjoy right now?

Yeah

How long do you stay on FaceTime with this person?

Half an hour maybe

That's pretty good

Do you remember when we were young

And we'd talk on the phone to someone we liked for hours?

No when we were like young young

Oh my god. And they would sit on the phone for hours and hours and hours.
You guys don't know about landlines. No.
When I went on the road, my first road date was in San Antonio and I was seeing this girl, Jennifer Field. Remember the girl that had texted me when I was 23 and I ate her fucking vagina in her mom's closet.
Who could forget? Yeah. Who could forget? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I remember going to, because I was opening for Mencia, Carlos Mencia, and we're at that San Antonio mall. LOL.
Not LOL. It wasn't even there yet.
It was in the mall. The other one, yeah.
Right. And they had this weird condo that I had to stay in.
And I remember from after the show, maybe it was like 1 o'clock in the morning.

I talked to her until like 8 in the morning.

Yeah.

On a landline.

I remember those days.

On a landline.

Yeah.

And she's like, I love you.

I miss you.

You know what I mean?

Be falling asleep and wake up and keep talking.

Yeah.

I miss those days.

Me too, man.

I'm never going to get that ever again.

Now these kids just stay on FaceTime where they clean other people's houses.

Now when a girl calls me, I treat them like a telemarketer. I gotta go.
I can't. Wrong number.
Wrong number. I can't.
Rocket Money. I have so many subscriptions.
Too many, honestly. On my phone and all my iPad, all my stuff, right? And it's like, I don't even I'm losing money as we speak.
Tons of money. And what does Rocket Money do, dude? Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills.
We all want to lower our bills in the new year. We're all sick of paying for stuff that we don't want to pay for anymore.
You got to use Rocket Money. They have over 5 million users and they've helped save their members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions.
You never got to get on the phone with customer service. Look, I've used Rocket Money to cancel a bunch of stuff that I didn't need, a bunch of apps.
And also I signed up for stuff. They have reoccurring charges.
You guys know what I'm talking about when they say first month is this much. And then you forget how much the next 10 months are and it adds up.
Rocket Money finds it and gets you to stop paying unnecessary bills. That's right right they'll even get you a refund for the last couple of months wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest stop wasting money on things you don't use guys cancel your own unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash bad friends that's rocket money.com slash bad friends rocket money.com slash bad friends.
That's rocket money.com slash bad friends, rocket money.com slash bad friends, butcher box. I love meat dog.
You know, I love me. I love protein and I love high quality meat.
And that's the problem right now. A lot of times people are getting meat.
That's not high quality. And they don't know where to turn to go get it.
They don't want to go to a butcher shop. They don't want to go to a grocery store.
Now you can easily find high quality meat and seafood. You can trust it's 100% grass fed beef, right? Free range organic chicken, pork raised crate free and wild caught seafood.
Oh my God. Humanely raised.
No antibiotics or hormones. None of that stuff injected into your food.
Get rid of that crap. There's nothing better than driving up in your driveway and seeing a butcher box box outside your door.
That's so exciting. I know what I'm making for the night.
Pork chops. Salmon.
Salmon. I love those little critters.
And pork and chicken and beef. I'm a beef eater.
I do love it. And 100% grass fed is the only way to go because there's so much stuff out there that's nasty and inhumanely raised.
Butcher box is doing it the right way. New members get two pounds of ground beef, three pounds of chicken breasts, or two pounds of salmon for free in every order for a whole year.
For a year. Plus get $20 off your first order.
20 bucks off your first order as well is insane. Sign up today at ButcherBox.com slash BadFriends and use that code BadFriends to choose your free offer and get $20 off.
But you know, here's the thing about Young Love though. Yeah.
I've been asking around to people where has it gone? Young Love? For me? Well, you're 52. I'm not saying Young Love.
Where's Old Love? No, no, no. Old Love.
I'm just saying the feeling of like You know, St. Andrew's Retirement Home is right down the street from me.
Yeah. Come by sometime.
I know. What I'm saying is the feeling of like, you're in a pink cloud, butterflies.
You get- No, I don't. You don't get that anymore? You don't get it.
I remember in your age, it was intense. It's different.
It was like- But you're feeling it for the first time. Yeah, but it was just like, oh my God, this is it.
This is going to fulfill every- And it doesn't, does it? No, because you always get betrayed. It lets you down.
Yeah, yeah. In some way, you're going to get let down.
But- But what I'm saying is, I'm trying to find that in my life now. But you're going to get- That feeling.
No, I haven't felt that since I was their age. You'll get a different version of it.
What about Atika Laila when you first met her? I did get with her for a couple years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway.

No, but you're going to find it in a different way.

Stop rubbing your tits.

What do you mean?

Stop it.

No, I just.

Stop.

There's a warm feeling.

Stop.

No, can I just do this?

You're going to get me hard if you keep doing that.

I know, but I want to feel it in my chest like love.

You're going to get the love.

It's just going to feel different.

You're not that young anymore. Your viewpoint on the world is different.
So you're not going to feel the same. You know what it's like for an addict? Remember the first time you got high? Yeah.
Greatest thing in the world. Yeah.
And then the second time and the third time and the fourth time you got high. And by the 50th time you got high, it didn't feel like the first time you got high at all.
It was kind of a letdown. I think that's what it is.
So you're looking at it looking for the old high. You need to chase the new high, not drugs.
You need to chase love in the way of like, this is just who you are now. They should have a business, like a Black Mirror episode, a place where they wipe your memories.
Scientology's open 24 hours a day. I know, but just a place where I can just restart.
Well, when you die, I think you restart. You think so? 100%.
I think when we die, we restart into another soul and body and entity. I think you've died a thousand times.
You just don't know it. Not as Bobby Lee, but as other shit.
What do you think I was? Before this? A worm. Samurai? A samurai worm? Yeah.
A samurai worm. A nobile worm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if you were a unicorn? Oh, that's why you love it so much.
I don't love it. That's why you're mentioning it now.
I'd rather have minotaur. I'd rather have minotaur come.
You're definitely not minotaur. No.
You're a minotaur? I'm definitely more minotaur than you are. Yeah.
I'm a centaur. You're not a centaur.
Oh, fuck. Why not? You're a unicorn.
You're a worm. How about a siren? You're a worm.
No. I'm not a worm.
You're a warrior worm. Worm's not a mythological creature.
Sure it is. Worms have been around for billions of years.
I've been studying the folklore of... It is now.
How about, can I be a worm like in Dune? No. Yeah, I want to be a gigantic worm.
No, you're an earthworm. You're a little tiny baby earthworm.
No, no, no. I want to be one of those in the desert.
No. Dune, Dune.
I want to be a dune worm. That's you.
You're an Asian jumping worm. No, Google dune worm.
Google dune worm. That's an Asian jumping worm.
Google dune worm. Dune worm, dude.
No, you're not. That's me, dude.
No, you don't. Yeah, that's my butthole.
No. Have you seen my butthole? Exactly like that.
No, it's not. What? It's got the lines and everything.
Look, that's me, dude. And that's pussy right there, those two girls.
You're an Asian jumping worm. They're going into your butthole? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. You're an Asian jumping worm.

Then what are you then?

Ask the girls.

What was I in my previous life?

I feel like Tito Andrew would be like a horse.

Yeah, a centaur.

Yeah.

Right there.

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, so he gets a good one.

Yeah.

I get worm.

No, no, no.

But you've...

Okay, how about this, girls?

What was he before he was a worm?

Maybe you were the one that rode to Andrew.

That's right.

I rode him?

You rode on my back.

You were like in my horse hairs.

No, it's...

No, dude.

Okay, check it out.

No, it's like those, you know, on a whale, right?

They had the little fish that cleaned their back.

That's you.

That's not me.

100%, that's you.

You're the barnacles on the whales.

You're the barnacles.

You're a fucking barnacle. I'm a barnacle on your whale back.
Fuck, dude. I% that's you.
You're the barnacles on the whales. You're the barnacles.
You're a fucking barnacle.

I mark barnacle on your whale back.

Fuck you.

Dude, that looks exactly like you.

Does that even have a brain and feelings?

Do you?

No.

Okay, barnacle.

I'm a barnacle.

Barnacle Bobby.

Yeah, barnacle Bobby.

Barnacle Bobby riding on a whale's back.

All right, dude.

Enough.

Make you feel better.

What was he before he was a worm? Because you lived other ones. So many minutes, so many lives.
What was he before he was a worm, girls? Maybe you were working on 9 to 5. Yes, you were.
I was working on 9 to 5. Yes.
A regular guy working on 9 to 5. What? He was a blowfish? Man, you've been...
Working 9 to 5 at a restaurant? Yeah. Working on...
Can I speak to the manager? I'm sorry, but the blowfish has forgotten. Our drinks came late.
Yeah. Well, I don't have any hands.
What a shitty server. Shitty.
Or I was a blowfish. You're a blowfish.
Well, let's go to you guys then. Oh, yeah.
What were the girls? Oh, shit. How many varieties of maggots are there? You can't make the call because we already made your call yeah yeah oh really so once you make the call i can't make a call what kind of fucking game is this what are you talking about i think i think i think rudy oh my god i can i can see it now her previous life butterfly butterfly no butterfly Rudy was Have you ever been to the Great Wall of China? No At the Great Wall of China There's a little patch A little crack in the rocks And flowers grow.
What? Coral? Flowers.

There's a group of wild flowers.

And the Chinese government has just let it continue to grow.

So now it's a patch of wild flowers.

I think you were a wild flower at the Great Wall of China. That's so cute.

That's good.

He said, where were you before this?

I can see it in my head.

Let me see it.

Oh, I see it.

I see it.

I see it.

Oh, my God.

I see it.

I see it now.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. What, what, what? Oh, my God.
I see it. Yeah, yeah.
I see it now. Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

What, what, what?

No.

What, what, what?

No, she was, oh, my God.

She was a little ground squirrel.

A little.

Oh, no.

Oh.

A little tiny ground squirrel.

And she popped up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

At a construction site.

And her head came right off.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
It was a tragic death. tragic death that was oh you have the ability i can see oh my god let me see carlos you really have the oh i can see carlos oh yeah oh my god i can see carlos what is it what it was hold on what is it oh oh oh oh my god you remember oh my god you know in in new york in central park they had the horses on the carriages yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know the bag that catches all the horse poop? Carlos. That's Carlos.
He was a bag of horse shit. Oh, shit.
He was the bag that collected all the horse shit in Central Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh my God, at the turn of the 27th. Whoa, you're gifted.
Wow. Well, let me see if I can do fancy.
We should have a 1-800 number. Just call me.
Yeah, yeah. Call me now for your free history reading.
Yeah. It's Mr.
Cheeto. Mr.
Cheeto. Okay, hold on.
Let me see if I can do fancy. Hold on.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh! I know.
Can you feel it? Wait, wait, wait. I just gave it to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just gave it to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Yeah.
What is it? He's the, um. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what it is.

He's a, he lies.

Oh, I see it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but not on top of human head.

No, no, no.

Pussy.

No, not for a pussy.

Not for a pussy.

Not for a pussy either.

Not a pussy.

Not a pussy.

No, no, no.

Grabs?

No, no, no.

It's a turd.

It's a turd. It's a turd.

It's a turd.

It's a turd creature.

Oh.

It's, it's, It's a turd. It's a turd.
It's a turd. It's a turd creature.
Oh. It's Eric Griffin.
Dude, I like that. I like that Rudy said you're a fucking pussy lice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy lice.
Women don't get lice. Do they get lice? You guys know about pussy lice? Is that a real thing? Yeah.
No way. It's called crabs.
Yeah. No, crabs and lice are two different.

Two different things.

Cubic lice is super common.

Tiny insects that look like tiny versions of the crabs you see at the beach.

They live on the skin and coarse hairs.

People get pubic lice.

Whoa.

No way.

Have you guys ever known anybody that's got that?

No.

No.

But we used to have so much lice on our hair.

When you were kids.

Oh, really?

Yeah, a lot.

Really?

A lot.

So funny. We were picking it out.
Yeah, guess what? Guess what? Andrew and I never had it. Never were kids.
Oh, really? A lot. Really? A lot.
We took like weeks

like picking it out.

Yeah, guess what?

Guess what?

Andrew and I never had it.

Never had it.

You know why?

Shower.

It's probably because

you were a lice

in your old life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

And then you died

from getting picked

and then you were born

as Bobby Lee.

Oh, wow.

Picked on, picked.

I get it.

Wait, how do you get lice

out of your hair?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Roll around the dirt. That was how you got it out? I feel like that's how you get more lice.
Yeah. Combing wet hair with a fine tooth, knit comb, remove lice, and some nits.
There's something called nits. Yeah, we used to have a lot.
And like eggs and like everything. Oh, and the egg? Yeah, you used to be like crawling.
And I bet you money, I bet you money you eat those too. No.
No. Yeah, right before it's about to hatch Right, you eat it Like balut Like little tiny balut balls No, we don't eat it Yeah, little balut balls You want some balut with sprinkle of lice? Yeah, yeah Right, so basically So you get the little eggs too up there Yeah So lice comes from eggs Yeah They lay them They're just reincarnating on your head.
They're so itchy.

I bet.

Imagine that.

That's awful.

You never had lies?

No. We never have lies.

We don't ever get stuff like that.

If you live in a swampy area,

if you go swimming, you can get leeches.

Ticks.

Ticks and leeches from the woods.

And ticks give you Lyme disease. You know what know what that is yeah you guys have that over there no lyme disease but they have you have leeches in the water don't you have leeches show them a leech you don't have leeches at all i've never seen i've never seen one oh they suck on your skin like that they suck your blood they're little vampires maybe tito bobby was like Oh, my God.
Oh, really? Now I'm that too? You were a vampire. You were a leech.

Oh, really? Now I'm that too? You weren't a vampire, you were a leech. Oh, really? Interesting.
She's saying before this was another life. Have I ever had a good life? You were a 9-5 bloke? No.
I was a 9-5 bloke as a waiter. And then you were a leech.
Where? Where was he a leech? Was he working? In the Philippines. Oh, you were a leech in the Philippines.
Oh, in the Philippines.

He wasn't working.

He was homeless. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

I was a lazy vampire leech?

No, you were a homeless leech.

All right, so I didn't even want to work.

No, you were just-

No, you just couldn't work.

You guys go in and suck the blood.

I'm just going to sit here on the corner and beg for fucking-

You couldn't get any blood.

You would beg for blood.

You'd sit.

All the guys would go suck all day.

They'd come home and you'd be like, We got any blood? Wow. And no one would give you any.
Speaking of blood, I was watching Earth, Planet Earth. Yeah.
Right? And there was an episode where they have this island where these birch birds, right? Birch bird. A birch bird.
Yeah. And this tiny island, there's not a lot of food and stuff, right? Mm-hmm.
So how do they eat? They have these gigantic seagulls that fly over there right because they can't make it to the mainland these little bridge and what they do is they jump on top of their backs they poke them their back mm-hmm and they start drinking their blood whoa that is very smart yeah and the fucking those gigantic bird they don't even know what's going on they don't walk around you Just walking around like, you know what I mean, they don't know. Wow, they suck the blood out of their backs to stay alive.
Yeah, vampire birch birds maybe. They're like zombies.
They are like, look at their eyes are blood red. Oh.
So they drink blood. See, right there.
Whoa. Whoa.
Zoom into that photo. That's cool.
And the big bird doesn't care. No, look at him.
He's like, oh. Oh, he just digs in.
They dig in. Isn't that unbelievable? So they're just taking advantage of this other bird's blood, but they don't ever eat anything but blood? I think there's certain times of the year where they can't get anything, so they go, Oh, we'll go blood.
They just got to eat blood. Isn't it unbelievable though? Look at that.
Do you even get full with blood? I don't want you to try to find out. It depends on how much blood you drink.
I'm sure you can. You can get full off of blood.
Yeah, yeah. You ever had blood? No.
Oh. Someone's not in Hollywood.
You never had baby blood? You never had baby blood? You never been to a restaurant where they offer you blood? Yeah. No.
You know what's so gross though is that bird, that little blood bird, I bet you in a species format

has outlived humans

and will outlive humans forever.

And they're sucking blood. Meanwhile, we're eating Wendy's

and fucking Taco Bell.

Maybe we should be sucking blood to live longer.

Here's a concern though. What if the seagull's gay

and he's unprotected?

Yeah, he's dangerous blood.

Flies back.

Infects the whole fucking... Now you're a bunch of Mercury Birch birds.
You know? I saw this morning, I was watching the History Channel. I love this stuff.
I love the History Channel. I love nature and history.
Me too. Do you like ancient aliens? I love anything that's ancient.
Me too. Nothing current.

No modern shit.

You like ancient?

Like ancient old stuff.

Old stuff.

Is there old shit?

Like when you're in the Philippines, is there like old ruins that you can go visit and stuff?

They're not ruins, but they are old.

There's old shit.

Like old natives.

There's no like Mayan temple?

Well, the Mayans wouldn't be there. I mean, just some temple that you guys.

I don't think temples. No.
You guys never did buildings back in the day. They still don't have buildings now.
I know. Let me go back to the five ruins.
Go back to the magical five ruins of the Philippines you just were at. Yeah.
Ruins of famous ruins in the Philippines. Here we go.
Here we go. Fortune Island.
Oh, the sunken cemetery is cool, though. Yeah, what's going on there? Oh, yeah.
There's this. Whoa.

That's dope.

That's cool, yeah.

So wait, there's a cemetery that got overtaken by water over the years?

That sounds like the Spaniards did this.

This is from the Spaniards.

That's disgusting.

I think this was because of a volcano.

Yeah, the Spaniards.

We call them volcanoes here. Oh.

So Mount Vulcan.

Or that could be Aquaman's family.

Right, they're all dead. Yeah.
Sunken dead Yeah Cut that out that's not even funny I just throw things out And I go why did I just say that sorry You guys have never been here You swam down there No we can't swim Because they said it's haunted Shut up It's haunted there's so many graves there oh really there's have you ever seen a ghost in the water swimming doing a backstroke yeah yeah yeah probably can't swim so when there's someone swimming on top they're gonna try to reach onto you to get back up in the air oh so we're buoys yeah to fucking ghosts but what happens if a ghost catches But what happens if a ghost catches you? What happens in the water? It's not going to kill you. It's going to drown you.
Yeah. Oh, just like in Lord of the Rings.
Do you remember? No. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Lord of the Rings? Yeah, but when does someone underwater- I think movie there's a swamp area and golem tells frodo not to look about the starry eyes shut the fuck up do you remember i'm not a nerd dude i've seen the movie before do you guys not know this right and so then frodo fucks up and he stares at a looks into the water looks in the water and there's kind of a dead glowy eye in there but doesn to get him.
No, but then he goes into a trance. Oh, right.
Then he falls into the fucking swamp. So they trance him.
And then all the fucking ghosts in the water try to grab him. And guess what? The fat fuck Sam, right, dives in and gets him.
He gets him. Oh, he's a fatty to save the day.
No, it was Gollum, actually. It was a fat fuck.
Oh, thank God. Was Sam and the other guy gay? Yeah.
Okay. What? No! Yeah, they were.
No, they weren't gay, dude. It came out years later, they were gay.
They were? Mm-hmm. The internet.
It broke the internet. Look it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was Sam from Lord of the Rings gay? Is it because they cried a lot on each other's arms? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, sometimes that happens when you're about to die too the fantasy science fiction author uh marion zimmer bradley wrote that frodo and sam are the most intense love described in the book told you yeah but it's not it's the kind of love me and andrew have no no no no no yeah yeah shut the fuck up hold up back up first of all the love that you and i have pictures of my cock are in your hallway same thing as sam and frodo that's what i'm saying it saying.
It's the love we have. Yeah, gay.
It's not gay. Most guys would argue it is.
No, check it out, dude. We go down to Alabama and talk about our love? This is gay, dude.
Our love is so intense. Chinese and Irish man are fucking gay, dude.
Y'all seen that Chinese dude? That little fucking redhead and Chinese dude? Them dudes is gay, dude. They flirt all the time.
He kissed his nutsack one time on live stream. I did, I did.
But that's not gay. Okay.
What? Let me just explain myself real quick. I want to be real, not even in a comedy way.
All right. And I really believe this, okay? Okay.
I believe that you and our love is so intense, right? It's on the edge of gay, but it hasn't crossed the line. It's so close to gay, it's a million miles away.
Exactly. So basically what I'm saying is that if you and I went on a journey, much like Frodo and Sam.
You're saying like a date? No. Well, yeah.
A date journey, however you want to say it. Okay.
Right? And we're having meals out in the forest. Some call it picn Okay You know what I mean I just call it second breakfast Second breakfast Yeah right B2 Yeah And you and I You know what I mean At night Because it's cold at night It is Right Because we're trying to get to Mordor It's far away Yeah what do we do Get naked and hug each other Butt fuck No we don't We don't butt fuck We don't butt fuck dude We just get naked and hug We get't butt fuck, dude.
We just get naked and hugged. We get naked and hugged because of our body.

Body warmth.

Yeah.

And we're so comfortable with each other.

That's right.

Right?

Butt fuck.

No, we don't butt fuck.

We don't.

We sleep, first of all.

Who's the little spoon?

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's.

Who's the little spoon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

And also, can I just say this?

I'm a fucking ladle.

Yeah.

He's a little, like a little baby spoon.

Oh, so the ring is so dangerous that we wrap it around Andrew's dick. Right? And my butthole is the safe.
It has to turn and lock? Yeah, but that's not gay. We're protecting the ring.
That's right. No one can pull me out.
Once I'm in and locked, I can't get out. And we sleep, right? Gollum's in the tree watching us going, look at these fucking gay fucks.
Right. Right? But we do that do that right We do And then in the morning When we go travel We unlock And this And I do a little sigh Like aww You know what I mean And then we go on Our voyage again Right Every night we do The fucking routine Lock the We lock We lock the ring Into the safe Right But that's not gay dude That's just keeping The ring safe Yeah we're keeping it safe I really commend you guys for keeping it safe Thank you Yeah but then when we get to the fucking When we get to the fucking Mordor When we arrive We're trying to throw it in Right We both die Yeah we both Because we forgot to unlock We just jump in together Yeah This is how we want to go Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah.
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Displate, collect your passions.

Are you sad that you're going to go home tomorrow?

Yeah, I'm pretty sad.

When are you going to come back to the States?

Do you even know?

No.

No, it's undetermined.

Wow.

Yeah.

Last time you were here was a year or two ago.

A year?

A year.

God, that's wild.

So do you usually come every year though or no?

Yeah, lately.

Once a year.

Yeah.

Well, you came for her birthday.

I remember that.

Yeah.

Once a year is a good...

Are you going to end up moving here?

You said you wanted to last time. I want that.
Yeah. Once a year is a good...
Are you going to end up moving here? You said you wanted to last time.

I want to.

I think she should come for college.

Well, you've still got to get through high school first.

You never know if she might not graduate.

But can we do the same program?

I get good grades.

Yeah.

Can we do the same thing we did for you?

Same program.

Well, you came in high school, right?

Mm-hmm.

And you lived at my house.

You came your senior year, right?

Junior.

Junior.

And we walked you through high school.

Why can't we do the same for her?

I don't know.

She can.

You want to do that?

I guess.

But she's going to miss.

Yeah.

She doesn't want to leave.

So why don't you finish high school, dump your boyfriend, and then you can move to the States.

But also, we got white boyfriends here.

What? Oh, yeah. Your boyfriend's brown? Yeah.
Oh the States. Also, we got white boyfriends here.
What?

Oh, yeah.

Your boyfriend's brown?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

We got some good whites.

We got some good whites.

Well, he's not brown, actually.

He's not brown.

He's the whiter side of the Philippines.

I know, but wait till you get here.

Yeah.

Wait till you see how white some of these guys are.

It's unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

The skin is so dry.

Top whites.

Top whites. Yeah, yeah.
Top whites. Yeah.
yeah yeah and we also what would we have blacks too we have everything we have everything yeah everything you've ever we have a more variety so why not let me ask you something in the philippines if you go to a 31 flavors you know what that is they don't have that baskin robbins and ice an ice cream place right is there only one flavor there? No Poop Poop Poop Yeah poop Yeah yeah yeah Welcome Poop We have all the flavors All the flavors We have every single one You've ever dreamed of And more She likes her boyfriend Don't dump your boyfriend Have fun But move out here Why don't we do that? Yeah Nah What? We had enough with her What do with her. What do you mean? Well, here's the deal.
One comes in, one's got to go. No, no, no.
You've got to go back. That's the deal.
No. Fancy came in because someone left.
That's the only reason this worked. Oh, George? No, no, no.
I mean, from Spain. When you come here from Spain, you have to send a Spaniard back to Spain.
That's the only way it works. It's reciprocation.
You have to... It is.
We're full. Don't you

listen to Donald Trump? We have

too many. Yeah.
We're fucking full.

Poisoning the blood. Yeah, that's true.

You're poisoning the blood of pure

Americans. Pure Americans.
What do you mean poisoning?

I'm not doing anything. Yeah, right.

Your boyfriend, right, is

an American, is he not? Yeah.

And if you guys had a baby, what happens? Green

card. Poison the blood.
But the blood's poisoned. No.
No? I'm not gonna have kids. I'm gonna abort it.
Alright, alright. Hey, she really is American.
Yeah, you are American. Jesus Christ.
What does that say? Schools in the Philippines have a stricter management. They have stricter management than the United States.

They have a higher standard of education.

Do they really?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Look at this fucking country.

We're upside down.

Higher standard of education in the Philippines.

Students are taught well.

Teachers are considered second parents to the students.

Wow.

Are your teachers like your parents?

Yeah.

It's like best friends.

Like you hug them goodbye and stuff?

Yeah.

That's insane.

I fucking, my teacher's opposite. Yeah.
Hated. Hated them.
Hated. They hated me.
I fucking hugged them goodbye and stuff? Yeah. That's insane.
My teacher's opposite.

Yeah.

Hated.

Hated them.

Hated.

They hated me.

I fucking hated them.

They hated them, man.

We were bad kids.

Oh, yeah.

Really bad.

What happens with bad kids in the Philippines?

I don't know.

There's not even a detention.

Yeah, there's no detention.

What?

There's no detention.

There's no suspension.

You just go talk to the principal or something.

Yeah, but that's it. What does he say? Yeah.
Stop being so. What does he say? Stop being so bad.
Be bitter. Because I remember on the third grade, someone stabbed someone with a pencil.
Right. What is it, prison? No.
It's their Sandy Hook. There was a mess stabbing today with a number two pencil two pencil Yeah And you know how hard Those are to acquire So he stabbed him With a number two Did he die Nothing Yeah yeah I don't know what happened But he was still there He was still going to school Nothing happened That's a That is a And that's a talked about thing Wait wait So a student Stabbed a teacher with a pencil No No, no.
A student stabbed another student.

Right.

What if that kid still had the pencil in his neck?

Can't take it out?

He can't take it out.

He draws with it.

Very good.

What does that say, though?

You go back.

It said there's never, ever been a school shooting in the Philippines.

Yeah, the school shooting shots are really cool.

It's fucking, why can't we do this?

They don't have guns.

That's right.

There's no guns in the Philippines? The cops have guns. It's illegal to have.
It's access. No, but wait a minute.
The cops do have guns. Yeah, yeah.
There's got to be some bad cops doing bad shit, though. See, the cops are up to no good.
There was one shooting at Ateno de Manila. Oh, Ateno de Manila.
It's at a university. Yeah.
Is that high school there? No, that's a college. It's at his college.
Wow. Shooting at a college? Oh, Ateneo.
Ateneo is a good school. That's a good school.
Think about this, though. It's a good school.
English is a second language to them, right? Of course. But look how great she speaks.
Yeah. We don't realize that that's, you know, her language is her native tongue.
No, I know. And she can do- They're smarter than us.
I think that's what it is. They pay more attention to shit.
Yeah. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
I don't think, would you if she said she was born here? They sound identical. Yeah.
Okay. And she's been here for much longer.
But you got- Yeah. But I think she has more of like a American or something.
She has better English than me because I feel like I still have the accent. Well, she's smarter than you.
That's

true. Yeah, that's a big piece of it.
Hey, can you guys

talk like a valley girl? Oh, yeah. Let's hear you talk like a valley.

Oh, my God. Yeah.
See?

She can do it. That sounds exactly.

Exactly. For the next couple

minutes, just talk that way. Okay.

Say today, I want

What do kids do?

Order a coffee.

Yeah, I'm so good at this. Ordering coffee? I do it on purpose in the Philippines.
Let me be the guy. Hi.
Okay, sorry. Where are you? The Philippines.
She's here. Let's do it like that because that's how I do it in the Philippines.
I always purposely do it. That's not.
That's not the accent. No.
Welcome to Starbucks. What's the local coffee shop called there? Yeah.
We don't have one. There's no local.
Just Starbucks. Only Starbucks.
Or Coffee Bean. Welcome to Coffee Bean.
Box. You can do Bose.
Bose. Welcome to Bose.
Can I take your order, please? Hi, can I get a grande matcha latte, please? Oh, my God. Oh Oh my god.
That's so good. That sounds exactly like a valley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, Rudy, you try.
Now it's Rudy's turn. Okay, welcome to Oh, she's sitting up.
Hi, can I get an iced vanilla latte? You sound like you. That's you.
You didn't even fucking try. What is she doing? You didn't even value I can't do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can. Go far crazier.
Try it. Yeah, yeah, there we go your body into it.
Yeah. Yes, queen.
Yes, queen. Can I get an ice vanilla latte? That's pretty good.
One with autism, but still. Yeah, that's great.
That one's so good. That that really sounds like if you close your eyes say oh my god I lost my valet ticket oh my god I lost my valet ticket that's fucking oh my god dude we gotta get an agent when I close my eyes I literally see like a white chick I do too that's what some of my friends say cause I do it with my friend a lot and then it's become like my accent kind of.
Wait, who taught you to, where did you hear to do it? Were you just from online? Online. Yeah.
The internet. But then I would meet new friends on the internet and they would think I would be a white girl.
Wow. Wow.
What a superpower. You could catfish.
I can. Yeah.
Wow. She'd be queen.
Wow, you should catfish as a

wife. I have catfished.
Really?

I got money from it. Wait,

tell us. Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Yes.

Oh, I have

to tell you guys something. Okay, okay.
I have

okay, so you know how

you stalk people on Instagram,

right? No, we don't. You don't?

I've heard about it. Stalk people?

I stalk people. You mean

you're saying look at someone's Instagram, like

an ex-boyfriend or something like that? Yeah.

Yeah, but... no we don't you don't i've heard about it people i stalk people you mean you're saying look at someone's instagram like an ex-boyfriend or something like that yeah yeah but you make another account it's like a finster yeah oh yeah you know what's a finster a fake one yeah fake account i know what it is and you stalk it yeah i have a fake account because i saw a reel and it was like it was something about like having a finster right and so i was like i'm gonna make an indian man finsta so i have i'm just i have an account where i just act like an indian man and then i talked to my mom on it oh yeah i tried scamming her for an iphone 15 and she replied to me no she did wait a minute did your your you tried to pretend that you were a guy interested in dating your mom? No, I tried to scam her.
I can't say the username because everyone's going to know. Yeah, don't say it.
Wait, how did you get money? Who gave you money? Oh, no, no. I didn't get money from that.
I got money from Discord. What did you do on Discord to get money? I would pretend to be like a really cute japanese girl and they would give me like nitro and like one time i got minecraft but then when i stopped talking to them he took it away i was so mad how much money did can you get on discord um i didn't get money money i got things like that could buy from you could buy with money Wow It's crypto basically Yeah Yeah yeah yeah That's amazing Now what you do

Dude you need to be a full-time scam artist. Yeah, yeah.
Why not? Do you do an Indian accent or not? No, I can't. Okay.
Yeah, but you should really think about being a full-time scam. No one's a criminal anymore, a professional criminal.
That's not out to hurt people physically, but a professional scammer. That'd be great.
dream big dream fucking big think about it there's some old guy right now there's some really old guy right whose wife died years ago he's got six or seven million dollars he doesn't know what to do you could steal from that guy yeah yeah he could be dead soon you could steal from that guy i'd support that because the money is going to you guys anyways it's going to my family that's right that's right so you should support it yeah that's very good all right ins get in here i get in here now yeah yeah that's amazing on you know what's so funny though i don't know um uh carnegie you guys don't you know who carnegie is no carnegie was one of america's richest men right and carnegie believed that if you die rich you're a soulless man so he gave away look it up look up how much money carnegie gave away at the end of his life this guy gave away most of his fortune at the end and he believed to influence other rich people to be philanthropic it was kind of the turn of the century he he He was like, people should give away. He distributed $350 million and had $30 million left, which went to corporations' endowment fund towards other things.
He passed, had a single goal, achieving world peace. So Carnegie believed if you die with money, you're kind of a sucker.
So he tried hard to give away all of his money. Imagine being Carnegie's son.
Yeah, fuck. Dad.
I got fucking $10? A bus ticket. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah i'd be so pissed well this influenced this influenced um many other rich rich families richer than him to do the same thing which was kind of interesting i watched the whole thing about this it was fucking insane but he was but because the the amount of wealth acquired by him uh was equal i think they had said at the time was equal to like $62 billion that he ended up like lording over and then realized it was worthless.
He couldn't do anything with it. Wow.
He had too much money, more money than anybody we ever have seen today. Because what's our richest guy on earth today has like upwards of 12, 20 billion, something like that.
Elon Musk. Elon Musk is not in the 200.

Oh my, holy fucking shit.

Holy fuck, that's a lot.

I didn't know it was in the hundreds of billions.

That's a lot.

He's the only person who also lost 200 billion.

And got it back.

He's also Bobby's age.

What?

Wow.

Oh, you're saying I'm a failure.

No, he's just saying-

You think I'm a failure?

That's a pretty big gap of achievement.

I know, I know, I know.

But think about it.

This is my point. What the fuck is he going to do with 229 billion dollars give it to us he should he should you listening here elon can you imagine i watched your podcast genghis khan all these guys sick trillionaires who lived on earth and reached the pinnacle genghis khan akbar the great wow but would you do that though just give out all your money when like you're dying already you should If you're dying what the fuck are you going to do with it You should give it all away when you're dying If you're dying you should spend a lot have fun How do you know when you're going to die I think if you reach an age when you're like Yeah Hey man it's probably soon Yeah but still you're like in hospice Right And you're getting all the treatment, you know, the rich man treatment, right? When do you do it? The day before? Well, I don't think it's like an immediate death.
No, I just want to know, man. On your deathbed, you push the button.
Right, you go, okay, all of it. You can draft up a fucking living will, and then in your living will says...
Oh, I see. That's what I would do.
Yeah, on my final... But right now, because when I'm alive on Earth, I still want all of it.
Well, you don't want all of it. No, to the end.
And then when I'm dead, then go. Bad boy.
No, not a bad boy because you're going to still... You're just like Genghis Khan.
That's right. I am.
Fuck it. You should give it away.
I will when I die. Once I'm no longer conscious in here, then I'll have it all worked out with my lawyers.
Who would be the most unlikely person that you would give money to when you die? Oh my God, there's so many. You're going to give people money that you know don't deserve it or you don't like anymore just to show them up or something? Oh, you know what? That's cool.
You know what I would do? I would give people money and just go, listen, dude, I knew you were a fucking jackass while I was here and a complete and other fucking asshole and i fucking every time i hear your name or saw you i wanted to vomit all right but dude here's a million dollars that's like the best revenge is that cool yeah that would be a cool way to say fuck you fuck off have you ever heard the adam sandler story um about adam sandler was at nyu and college and drama school i might be misquoting but and i guess one of the professors took him out for a beer and the professor was like you don't have it you just i'm sorry but you just like don't have it like i like you're such a great guy but like you got to find another thing dude like this is not gonna work comedy no no yeah well acting in comedy and everything and then you know adam was obviously like oh fuck that i'm not gonna stop and the guy was like i'm just telling you i just don't think this is you're gonna be your lifelong career wow right and then at the height of adam's career wow when he's like tip top i guess he's in a bar with a bunch of friends yeah and sees that this there. Wow.
Right? And an opportunity to go up to him and what endless of possibilities. What would you do? Well, hold on.
Let me finish. Okay.
This. This is what kind of guy Sandler is.
I love it. I love it.
He walks up to the professor with his friends and says hello to him. His professor says hi.
And he turns to his friends and he says, you know what? This was the only professor that bought me a beer. Oh.
And then introduced him to his friends and that was that. I know.
Class. Talk about a grade A classy guy, Sandler.
Really classy. What a fucking cool fucking dude.
He could have done so many smart assy things. Not rude, but like he could have been like, I guess it worked out.
But does the professor's the thing remember Adam Sandler does he remember saying that to Adam if you took a guy out for a beer for sure you remember this wasn't in class if he was like Bobby next time the scene has got to be no no he took him out just him and him for a beer one on one to tell him he doesn't think he should continue. He remembered.
And after Adam Sillow said that, I would love the professor to double down. He'd be like, still not working out.
Once that Netflix deal is done, you're shit. You're tough.
You won the lottery. You know that.
Oh, you go that. Do that double down, right? Right.
You're garbage. You still don't have any talent.
Yeah. Right.
You would double down. No.

No.

I don't know.

What would you say to the professor?

There's got to be people in your life that at the beginning of your comedy career were

like, you're not, you're not going to make it in comedy.

Or they said something around.

I had, I had one incident like that.

What?

Well, I was just saying, bleep his name out.

An agent.

His name is.

Mm hmm.

From.

I know who he is.

You do?

Yeah.

So Abby sent me a meeting with him. And we're sitting there.
I'm in his office. And he looks at me across from the desk.
And he goes, yeah, I just, you're not going to work. And I go...
Not going to get work? Yeah. I go, what do you mean? He's like, you're funny, but it's like, you're just never going to work.
And I go, oh. And he goes, I just don't see it.
Wow. And I go, okay.
And I remember tears rolling up in my eyes. Oh.
And then we took the elevator down. Together? No, me and Abby.
Oh, I was going to say, how weird. And my manager was like, it's okay, so we will find somebody else.
Right? And I'm like, I just don't. Like, it's pointless.
Why? You know? And then years later, I was on MAD. And David Salzman, the owner of MAD, goes, hey, Bobby, come into my office.
I get windows off. And he goes, I need a Hispanic guy as an actor on the show.
We had Nelson Incentio, but it's been years ago. So I go, Johnny Sanchez.
He's my friend. So he goes, who is that? And I kind of educated him, and I called Johnny, and I helped Johnny through the auditioning process.
He got the show. But his agent...
Wow. Right? So now we're at the first live, and I'm at Video Village, and Johnny, he played Joker, one of his agent.
Wow. Right.
So now we're at the first live, right? And I'm at video village and it's Johnny. He played Joker, one of his characters.
And it was front of a live studio audience. And I'm sitting at video village and I, cause I'm so nervous for Johnny too.
Cause I want him to hit a home run. And I, I feel a presence right here.
And it's, it's a smell. Yeah.
Not a presence. It's a smell.
Yeah. Right? And I look and I go, I see my periphery and I go back to the monitor and I go, like I do one of those.
And I turn around, he locks eyes and he's smiling. And I go, hey man, and I hugged him.
Wow. Hey, congratulations on Johnny.
I'm so happy for him. That is class he's like thanks for but then I regret that why every single day no I should have done something different Bobby that's a classy move yeah yeah class I think at the end of the day you fantasize about all these things but your your true self comes out yeah in those situations you go who gives a shit because your heart is really good yeah who gives a shit yeah but I've had have you had a moment like that oh dude when i was a pa when i first moved out here there was a person who was a super powerful executive and uh i wasn't a big fan he just was pretty diminutive the way he spoke i was young anyway but he they treated us like shit back in the day hollywood they if you're a pa dude they might as well pissed on you in the mornings like they fucking you were dog shit and when i finally went to quit because i was quitting to go try to do comedy really like full time and uh i had to say it to one of these people and somebody else and uh i'm being very vague on purpose but but they got but i said when after i put in my two weeks or whatever the fuck he walked down the hallway because we were going on the same way and he turned to me he's like you really think this comedy you're gonna do this comedy thing huh and i said i mean i really believe like i really want to give it a shot and he was like hmm you know most people don't make it and i was like no no i understand that and honestly but like i have to try and he goes yeah and he kind of like stood there for a second and he looked me in the face and he goes good luck but it wasn't good luck as in good luck there's a way to say good luck this when i learned the phrasing the intonation of a word matters he literally went good luck like you're fucked it sounded like you're fucked yeah instead of hey man good luck Right.
Different, no this was yeah good luck good luck like fuck off good yeah and it hurt me a little bit because i was bummed and i was like god these motherfuckers they think i'm dog shit and i was out every night doing shows two shows a night so i just gotta add something real quick real quick yeah those little things too're so, comics are extra sensitive. Of course.
That we replay those things in our head. Oh, I see his fucking face.
Yeah, they just last a long time. Forever.
Forever. Embedded in your- I don't know my mom's middle name, but I remember that guy's fucking face saying that to me.
I know, I know. And then years later, I was at an event and I had gotten on, I'm dying up here.
Like I just booked the show and it was like in the headlines of like, Jim Carrey produces, you know, handpicks, Jim handpicked us. Yeah.
You know? And I was at an event and he was there working for a company and I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's there next to me and other people he's in this group setting yeah and i see him kind of looking over at me waiting to say something yeah and i and i'm like and i wonder what this fucking talking and talking and talking and he turns to me and he goes andrew congratulations uh on the show and And I said, I'm sorry.
Wait, no, there's no way. I said, I'm- No, there's no way you did that.
I'm sorry. Sorry what? I'm sorry what? Say your name again.
Oh. And I go, I'm just kidding.
I'm just fucking around. Oh, very good.
It was a nice, it was No, but you still had that little, yeah, it was a joke. You had a dagger.
And then he kind of chuckled at it, shook my hand. He said, I'm very proud of you.
Like, happy for you. I said, thanks a lot, man.
Yeah, thank you so much. And then I kind of broke off and went to get a drink.
But it felt so good because I wasn't mean. I was just joking.
It was clear I was kidding. But I went to get a drink and man i got fucking wasted excited just drinking at a party it's like look at me man yeah yeah it felt it just felt like do you think he remembers probably not yeah probably because i don't think that's my guy remembered no they probably don't yeah yeah they don't remember hurting your feelings no i have another story give another.
But it's not about that. It's more about like,

it's kind of that,

how if you're nice,

something happens.

Yeah.

I was working the back door.

I've never shared this story before.

Good.

And I,

because it's one of those stories

where it's like,

I just feel,

it's too magical almost.

Too perfect.

It's a magical story.

Yep.

You want to hear magic? Mm-hmm. How about you? You bitches like magic? You guys like magical stories? I like magic.
I love magic. So I don't want to name any names, but I was working the back door of the comedy store.
And at that time, I had no bank account. I had no money at all.
I had maybe 15 bucks in my pocket. And I remember Jason Glurn.
You know Jason, right? He's like like you know i'm you know what i like about you bobby you're nice to people even though you're completely struggling and things are bad i know calling it out yeah so one night i was working there and i see this lady in the parking lot and this is when the comedy star nobody wanted to go there was shootings right and it was just got a bad vibe to it yeah and I see this lady she was wearing like a power suit she looked like a businesswoman she didn't look like she belonged right so I walked up to her and I go excuse me ma'am um can I help you and she goes I just fucking hate this club I don't know how to get in here you know i mean i'm seeing somebody you know i mean i'm an agent right and i and i go okay um come here follow me i go to the back door and i go just come into the i'll get you mitzi's seat and i go do you want it wine and she goes i would love some wine i go what would you like i i bought it because they didn't get to give me for free. You paid for it.
I paid for her wine. Wow.
Right? Gave her a wine. She saw whoever she needed to see.
And when she was leaving, she goes, what's your name? And I go, Bobby Lee. She goes, you do comedy, huh? I go, yeah, I mean, I'm doing okay.
I'm about to do premium blend or something I don't know you know what I mean that was a big deal

yeah yeah

and she goes okay

and then

she leaves the agency

that she's at

and now she's at Fox

right

and I'm auditioning for Mad

right

and so at the end

the final audition

for the test

it was between me

and Taryn Killam

and I'm sitting

and they

and all

everyone's telling me

you're not gonna get it

Thank you. for the test it was between me and Taryn Killam and I'm sitting and they I and all everyone's telling me you're not gonna get it Taryn's getting it right because they want a white guy and they only have one spot but they're you're just the option right so I'm sitting there like I don't think I'm gonna get it oh and I walk into the room.
And as I walk into the room, because Taryn had just left,

I see the sea of executives.

Because at that time, when you tested,

you had a test in front of live.

It's a fucking worse.

You had to audition for the executives and the president.

And they're just sitting in a room staring at you.

And I already know I'm not going to get it.

So they're just like, right?

But as I walk in, that lady walks in with me.

The Fox lady.

The lady that I helped in the parking lot.

And then they go, some of the executives go,

hey, what are you doing here?

She's not even supposed to be there.

She goes, oh, I'm here to see his audition.

Wow.

And they go, oh.

And as soon as I left the room, I got a call.

I got it.

Wow.

You can't say her name.

I'm going. Wow.
You can't say her name. Uh-uh.
But how wild. Yeah.
Powerful. Do you still keep in touch with her? Don't.
Nope. No.
No, I don't. I don't know what.
I think she got out of the business or whatever. But my point is, is that.
She's at home right now watching this being like, I'm still in the yeah yeah but i just remember that that's powerful yeah yeah just be nice you guys got any cool uh biz stories no no biz stories are you not not no biz stories no rudy because of the success of you on the show have you ever gotten offered anything on the online like has anybody said they want you for something no nothing i'm shocked i'm shocked too i would assume somebody would reach out and be like hey i want you to be a part of this thing yeah yeah no well listen here uh directors writers and producers we'd love you to cast rudy in something or even isa now well isa's isa's gonna be fine oh yeah we're worried about this one also if isa you come back and you live here maybe you could be a part of the family part of the family. I mean, but do this, you know what I mean? Regularly? Yeah.
No. Yeah, maybe not.
No, yes, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course. Maybe not.
Of course. I want to talk about Joe Coy.
Okay. I do.
What, can I put on some chapstick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will you do sexy music while I do this? Okay.
Go ahead. I love Joe Coy.

What the fuck?

I said do some sexy music while I do this.

Oh, you want me to acapella?

Yeah, because he's going to zoom in on my face right now doing it. Go ahead.

All right, Joe Coy. All right, Joe Coy.
I'm not done. All right, so what do you want to say about Joe Coy? What I want to say is that I thought he did a good job at the Golden Globe.
I'll tell you why. Joseph.
Joseph. Joseph.
You guys know Joe Coy, don't you? He had 10 days to do this thing, right? It was a risk. He did the best he could.
I thought that they didn't do him any favors in editing. Life.
Okay. No, but what I'm saying is editing, like cutting into the audience and seeing some reactions that...
That's what I meant. Oh, right, right, right.
That's what I meant. Okay.
All right. They didn't do any favors for him.
Cut into the person he's mentioning. Go ahead.
Finish with you. I don't want to go.
No, finish your thing. I don't want to continue.
Please. I want to hear you finish.
You're really on my last nerve. And I honestly want to believe.
What I'm saying is that. Dude, you're so fucking rude.
So rude. You're so fucking rude and so funny.
So funny. Okay, go ahead.
Yeah. What I want to say is that, you know, because I've known Joe since the...
May I? I didn't say anything. What the fuck? I didn't say anything.
I think you made a noise. I took a breath.
Don't. I hear you breathing into the mic all the time.
Okay, sorry. known Joe for a long time yeah and what I'm saying is is that he's a hard worker he's an extraordinary performer and it was like a difficult circumstance he was in 10 days to take this gig on what I'm saying is is that you know I love him he's such a talented guy he's but But here's the thing that people don't get.
He's a super kind guy too. And so I just thought, I re-watched it and I was just like, you know what, dude? I think he did a great job.
You watched it again. I did.
Did Barbie win this time? Anyway. Oppenheimer didn't win? He got a lot of flack online.
My heart goes out to I love him so much and he will be he'll be back and he's never gonna go away and he's gonna kill it well nothing changed for him he's a stand up yeah yeah that's true anyway you want a game yeah okay yeah we want to see how good you would be in the business if you if you were in the Okay. So the rhythm would be Right? So try it.

Hi, I'm Rudy Jules, and welcome to Rudy News.

Perfect. Very good.

Magandang araw, kapabayan.

First tonight, a Manila man named Hernando Guanlao

turns his house into a library,

and local patrons are forever grateful.

Public libraries are rare in my country. For students Claire Maika Ogoy and Jane Rainvinida, Mang Nanny's Library is a significant aid in their studies.
More and more, it's more expensive than on social media andnando that's it with rudy news again again that's it with rudy news i'm rudy jules goodnight correct it's not you you did great you did did the writing? It's just not funny. Was it supposed to be funny? Well, it's a real news story.
Yeah, but I thought at one point it was going to get crazy in it. Yeah, and funny.
And funny. Yeah, we need a writer.
Yeah. But you are.
He is a comedy writer. Yeah, it's just the news.
I know, but I... What we assumed you you were gonna do was take the news and interject insanely wild shit well i thought it was already funny the way it was well you're wrong just the regular news you don't take your headphones off yeah yeah what's that move me mad at bobby are you gonna make him use you're gonna make him fucking use be nice no no no sober dude i'm dude i'm so happy for your sobriety.
And I know you did your best.

But as a comedy writer.

Yeah, yeah.

I was waiting for it to get so crazy that we would all be laughing.

You copy and pasted the news.

Well, just the quotes because I can't write that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You copy and pasted though.

Not completely.

I was reading it and then writing it out myself too.

It wasn't plagiarized.

I thought you were going to go,

crazier words, you know what I mean?

Show Bob that video, then. Show the video

that I sent you.

For having me, and

I'm very excited to pitch

at Degree Field.

That one's tough. That's a tough one.

Go back to that real fast. That one's

the toughest part. That's a tough one.

Where are you excited to pitch at?

For having me, and

Thank you. That one's tough.
That's a tough one. I'm looking forward to...
Go back to that real fast. That one's the toughest part.
That's a tough one. Were you excited to pitch at? For having me, and I'm very excited to pitch at Wiggly Field.
Okay. Stop.
Stop. Stop.
Stop. Since he woke up that morning, he was repeating Wiggly Field.
Wiggly Field. Wiggly Field.
Wiggly Field. Wiggly Field.
Wiggly Field. And the driver is like, Wiggly Field.
And he's like, Wiggly Field. Wiggly Peels.
Wigglypill. Wigglypill.
Wigglypill. Wigglypill.
And the driver is like, Wigglypill. And he's like, Wigglypill.
Wigglypill. That's what I mean.
Okay, keep going. They don't make us do that when we go over there.
What do you mean? You know when like basketball players go play overseas, they don't have to fucking like learn the language to do a press conference. That's so hard.
But is there a word in Japanese that Americans can't say? All of them. Everything.
Oh, you think so? We can't speak Japanese. Well, like, give me like a little Japanese model.
I can think I can do it. Isa, Isa.
Yeah, Isa can do it. You can speak Japanese? Yeah.
Oh, that's right. You were learning it last time.
Yeah, yeah. Speak some Japanese.
Say, hey, I'm so excited to be here in Los Angeles. That's it.
They really do everything really more efficient than us, don't they? You can say that. That's I'm excited to be here in Los Angeles.
But saying toても興奮しています is like I'm so like. Very overly excited.
Like excited in a way that it's like sexual. Really? Say it again.
I want to try to repeat that. Yeah, let's see.
Can you do it? Absolutely not. Okay, do it again.
Try it again. want to try to repeat that Can you do it? Absolutely not I'm so excited Just to say I'm so excited To be here Just say to be here Nope, I have Coco I have Coco That's it That's it Go, have Coco.
That's it. That's it.
One more time. One more time.
It's so hard. Coco Coco Coco.
I don't understand how that's so hard to do. It's crazy.
As a 15-year year old young person, as you're starting to come into looking forward into like, you're not a little kid, you're not a grown grown up. Do you start to see the world in a way where you're thinking about what you might want to do in the world? What do you think you want to do in the world? I don't know.
But does anything interest you like that? Are you like, you know what I would do for a job would be fun? I should be a scam artist. Yeah, that's true.
We did say that on this show. Yeah, I think that was bad to influence her to do that.
But Izzy, what do you want to do? What would be fun to be as your life? I should be a realtor. Okay.
What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, she could sell a house. Yeah.
Sell us a house. This is my wife.
This is my wife, Babina. Okay.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. I'm Babina.
What a beautiful house. Very beautiful.
This was picked especially for you. Wow.
Wow. What do you mean? We literally just came here.
It's an open house. No, you're supposed to.
You're supposed to tell me what you want. Oh.
No, well, it says open house. It says open house and we walk in.
Hi, I'm Babina. This is my Felipe.
I'm Felipe. That's Babina, my wife.
Yeah, so you instinctually know that this is our house? Wow. Yeah, I can feel it from your bones.
You can feel bone energy? What are you, Armie Hammer? What's wrong with our bones? Leave our bones out of this. Yeah, yeah.
So, miss, what's your name? Oh, um, Bibina. What, you're- You have the same name as my wife? Yeah.
Fucking crazy. No, that's how I knew that you wanted this house.
Can I see your ID real quick? Oh, my God, sweetie, look. It is Bibina.
Wow. Look, it is Bibina.
Wow. Wow.
Okay, miss, well, how many bedrooms and how many bathrooms are this? Oh, this has six bedrooms. Wow, that's a lot.
That's a lot. Yeah.
That's a lot. How many bathrooms? How many bathrooms? Four bathrooms.
Six and four. That's not bad.
That's not bad. How many square feet? Um...
Yeah? You must know the property. You've been here all day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many square feet? Around as much as you would want it to be.
What would that be? What would that be, the specific number? How many do you think? Because we do have- We have. We have certain- We have furniture.
Yeah, that's right. How about let's ask my partner.
No, no, no, no, no. Pupina.
You have another partner named Pupina? No, her name's Pupina. Oh, Pupina.
Oh, Pupina. Hi, Pupina.
Hi, Pupina. Oh, she's deaf.
Oh, she's a mute.

A mute.

I mean, she's mute.

All right, so, Pupina, how many square feet do you think it is?

Just guess.

Maybe around...

Just throw out a number.

Throw out a number.

Okay.

10?

10 square feet.

Wow, so six... Wait, wait.

Wait, excuse me for a second.

Can I ask something?

Six bedrooms, four bathrooms in 10 square feet.

This is insane.

This is how they do it in the Philippines.

In the Philippines.

Wow.

These rooms are so small.

This is unbelievable.

Well, how big is the lot around it?

How many square feet is the lot that we're on?

20.

So 20 square feet, so just double... Double the...
Yeah, so... Wow.
Wow. How much is the lot around it? How many square feet is the lot that we're on? 20.
So 20 square feet, so just double.

Double the 10.

Yeah, so.

Wow.

Wow.

How much is it?

How much is this house?

Well, do you want around pesos or?

Well, dollars would be preferred here in the United States.

Yeah, because we're American.

But around 30 mil?

30 mil?

30 mil?

30 million dollars.

10 square feet of land?

Oh, my God. Six better, four better.
Intense. Wow.
30 mil 30 million dollars square feet of land oh my god 6 better 4 better intense wow wow 30 million 30 million we gotta call our accountant I don't know if we can afford yeah well can you can you explain to me the school system because we have 6 kids yeah Yeah. What kind of schools are in the area?

Well, the one near us actually had a shooting, so I wouldn't recommend that one. Oh, just a shooting.

Maybe the other closest one would be around two hours away.

Two hours away.

Wow.

I think you're selling us.

Yeah.

I think you're selling it.

We do want to be away from everything.

How about crime?

Yeah, what's the crime rate out here? A lot. A lot? It's hot.
Tell us how much. $30 million house in a high crime area.
Yeah, 10 square feet, high crime, no school. Six bed, four bath.
Six bed, four bath. Wow.
There are actually a lot of people that would try to carry your house, so you might want to be careful of that. Carry it.
Oh, so it's portable. Portable.
So this is on wheels? It's a portable house. We are buying a portable $30 million house in a bad neighborhood.
That they can carry. Huh.
Like, huh. Is there HOA fees? Is there any...
What does that cost? Yeah. You know what the HOAs are over here? No.
What do you think? Oh, there isn't any or there are none? Because it says there's HOA right on the flyer. Yeah, there are.
How much would that be? A month. What is that? A month.
A month? Maybe half 30 mil. So 15 million.
15 million a month. 15 million.
So 15 million. Let me get this straight.
HOA fees, 15 million a month. Wow, what a deal.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
Does that provide security of some kind? Yeah. Of course.
There's actually Poopina outside. Oh, so she comes with the house.
She comes with the house. She comes with the house.
Wow. But she can't talk, so if something bad happens- She actually can't talk and fight, so she would try to sign the robber.
She would sign the robber. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go away. Beware.
Okay. Dog.
Okay, I see. All right, so are there any other offers on this house? Because we might be interested.
Yeah, yeah. Are there competitors out there? Are people trying to buy this house? There's a lot of people who- A lot of competition for this house.
A lot of competition. You might want to buy it now.
Wow. Okay.
So people want to buy it right now. I see.
What percentage down payment do you require to buy this? What percent? Yeah. Around 90.
90% down payment. So we need to drop around $25 million.
Do we have 25 of liquid money? We do. We do.
I know. I just don't know if this is our...
That's all we have. That's all we have though.
25 million. 15 million a month.
So that's a lot. For HOA.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

I think you got a future in real estate.

Yeah, I do.

I do.

That's great.

All right.

So look, we're happy you're back.

We're sad you're leaving.

We hope when you come back, you come see us.

You know how we log off the show.

So you want to say it?

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Perfect.