Yabba Dabba Dr. Phil

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Happy New Year!

Thanksgiving!

No, dude, it's just the new year.

All right, and welcome to the, we've got tour dates.

Welcome to the, we've got tour dates.

Welcome to it.

We're going to be in Atlantic City.

New Jersey, Salt Lake City, Utah.

Temecula, California.

Reno, Nevada. Sacramento.
Long Beach, California. Windsor.
Ontario, Canada. Niagara Falls, Canada.
Tucson, Arizona. And we finish the tour 420 in.
Las Vegas. I can't wait for that.
Viva Las Vegas. Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets.
Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Happy New Year! Happy New Year! It's 2024. Happy New Year to all the bad friends.
What a year we've had. What a year we've had.
Take that out of your mouth. Why?

What did we learn over the weekend?

We learned that Bobby and I are both year of the pig.

Yep.

If we want to talk about our birth years.

Yep.

I'm a golden pig.

Golden pig.

And I'm a?

Water pig.

I'm a little water pig.

You're a water pig.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know what a pig, what does a pig sound like in water?

Huh?

Hypopotamus.

Hypopotamus.

That's actually very smart. Rosie O'Donnell's a water pig too.
Okay. Her birth year.
Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense.
No, she's a little water pig. Rest in peace.
She's not dead. Oh, I know.
Is she? No, but I saw her there and I thought she was cool. We're gonna kill her.
You know on the show. We say someone's name.
Oh, sorry. No, no, no.
I want her to her to live you guys happy new year um congratulations to everyone for surviving over the year and let me say something right now man what a beautiful 2024 we got ahead of us we got some stuff lined up yeah what are your resolutions my resolutions are to get off of um cholesterol medication i want to get in good enough heart health shape so I don't have to take cholesterol medication. That would include not doing this podcast anymore.
Happy New Year, guys. What? I have no idea.
Sorry? Excuse me? Can excuse me can i help you yeah oh this isn't the intervention for uh the the fuck the fuck that guy apart i'm sorry my agent told me that uh i was doing a podcast today and she said improvise as much as possible yeah so i wanted to come in hot you know no pun intended brought a nice coffee you sure did but i also brought a mind will you jeremiah walkins the beginning what's that you came in too hot came in too hot oh is he known for doing that yes well way too hot is that what he's known for dr phil do you want to put on your headphones that way you can always i want to hear and feel everything you guys are doing because i've been watching from afar and it's nice to see it up close headphones there before dr. Phil dr.
Phil can somebody help dr. Phil please well I do think it's important for us to celebrate what we've created oh Bobby you can go first oh yeah yeah we're 2024 is around the corner what did 2023 bring to you and then I then I'll get to you, Andrew.
Oh, okay. Oh, well, I just, you know, my enemy.
I said no to my enemy, and I put him in his tracks. And the enemy is called ice cream.
You're not going to stop eating ice cream. My enemy is called ice cream.
I thought you were going to say, like, Jackie Chan. No, not Jackie Chan.
No, man. He's a good guy.
I'm a good guy. For sure, but I still would love to see a fight to the death.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie, me and Jackie? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Over a bowl of mint chocolate chip.
Well, that's cool. Congrats.
Are you really trying to quit ice cream for real? Yeah. You are.
Yeah, because all my- You know what I'm going to do now? Uh-oh. I'm sending gallons of McConnell's ice cream to your front door for the next month straight.
To tempt me. Yeah.
Okay. It's going to be out there, baby.
Yeah. It's just going to melt out there.
A sticky river. A little sticky river.
He's going to want to slide down in that steep driveway. And at the bottom of that, I'm going to put up one of those little kiddie pools.
It's just going to slowly fill up with melted ice cream. So every time you back out of your car, how are you going to resist to get flavor? Get out.
What flavor? If you get the flavor right, then maybe it's going to be bad. Buddy, I'm going to do all of them.
You're not going to get one flavor. It's going to be like a suicide from a fountain drink.
But let me say something. Yeah.
I've questioned our friendship. And I don't think you know me a lot.
I don't think you know me. So I want to ask you, what kind of ice cream would I be tempted to eat? Good question.
Thank you so much, doctor. And if you get that right, dude, we're besties.
If you get it wrong, we have a long way to go, my friend. Well, no, there should be a real bet here.
If he gets it wrong, something should have to happen to him. Like what? I don't know.
Maybe he gets punched in the taint. Dr.
Phil, is this how you solve shit on your show? Yeah. No, but I'm not on my show, Andy.
Right. You're on my show.
Correct. So shut the fuck up well how does that feel dr phil can i be honest it feels good he likes to be talked to like that yeah so i i make my wife wear a mask of me just to know what it's like to go fuck myself so you were saying about your favorite creamery what do you tell what your favorite kind of ice cream is Do you know what it is? Yeah Okay go ahead I bet I know What is it? Well here's the hard part That's why Because you're not No I do know you well But you're not shy when it comes to indulgence It's not like one is your ultimate You eat a lot I have five that I like if you can name one of the five well Rocky Road for sure is one that's not my number one I was going to say sugar free Red Bull they don't make ice cream I don't know with that attitude we want that to happen we want it Let me ask you something.
When you moved out of your house, how come you had machine guns on the fucking wall? What's up with that? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know.
Do you see that? Was that his house? Yeah, look at Dr. Phil's house online.
What's the deal, dude? When you moved out, what was this about? You just load up AK-47. Yeah, yeah.
What is that all about, guys? Well, to be fair, I've never seen this picture before. But I will tell you this much.
I have so many rooms in my house. I've got an arcade.
I've got a room that's just filled with bidets. So you have one of those shitty days, literally.
Right. And you just want to pop around to each fucking hose and let them just, you know, go to town.
But the gun room came into play when I saw the new Grand Theft Auto came out. and then I had also seen a Mission Impossible movie and had a couple of run-ins at the local Rite Aid where I was like, I wish I was packing.
So built a room, hung up some memorabilia. Can you zoom in on that? I mean, that's an astonishing.
It's also in your dining room. Look at the toys, too.
Yeah. To the left.
The last one's favorite part is all the added on. Are you a big Murakami fan oh murakami miragumi uh all right uh what is it uh teramont what uh tiramisu tiramisu no the origami so you've got on that wall from what we can see there's a hand about five or six assault rifles yeah imagine being an uber eats driver and getting my order wrong and still having the nerve to show up imagine me walking you into that room and going maybe next time you don't forget the mac salad you honestly would invite an uber eats guy into your house hey i'm trying to play cool and no i didn't know you were that kind of guy i'm realizing how humble and cool you are yeah i mean i try to relate it's you get to a certain level you guys are are are in it right now you know where the where the tide is.
You're jumping out into the ocean with not just a surfboard, but a game plan.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I have no idea what he's talking about.

Jesse, you can tell him what I'm saying.

Yeah, you say your guys' fame is Dr. Phil level fame.

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

What's this relationship about?

How do you know Dr. Phil?

I just watch a lot.

Facebook.

Yeah.

Well, I follow you on Facebook.

You do?

You do.

I follow about 16 people on Facebook. Yeah.
Dave Yeah Jess Uh huh Shit Tony Robbins is Of course Agent Let me guess Um Deepak Chopra Deepak Chopra Fuck yeah Gary V Gary V Yeah Gary V The situation The situation Yeah Gotta The situation. Yeah.
It got to be the situation.

Papa John, just because I love a good racist rant from time to time.

Oh, right, right.

I know.

I know.

Mike Lindell.

Boom.

What a funny guy.

Yeah.

He's hilarious.

Hilarious.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

And then.

Is that all the people?

That's it?

There's three or four more in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about Marlo Cyrus, the other Miley Cyrus' unknown sister?

Yep.

And then there's a guy that looks like Billie Eilish that works at Trader Joe's. Oh, William Eilish.
Yep. I know him.
And then Billy, Billy Billy as we call him. And then- Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day? There's a- Yep.
I follow him. Billy Joe.
Yep. And then Billy Joel.
Billy Joel, the actual Billy Joel. No, there's an actor who plays Billy Joel.
Yep, he's a stunt guy, I guess.

Right, right, right. Sometimes Billy Joel falls

off stage for playing piano, so there's a guy

that comes out, and then Obama's fan

page I'll follow. Oh, good.
Oh, that's nice.

Because if you didn't say that, because they were all

pretty much white. They were all white.
Except for Indian,

Deepak.

Oh, no, he's white. Oh, he is pretty white.

Very tan. Very tan.
That's a Scooby-Doo situation.

Really? Oh, you'll pull back. Did you read his books? Scooby-Doo? No, Deepak Chopra.
Yeah, Scooby-Doo has a couple. What was this? Rabba Dabba? Oh, my God.
Wrong dog. Wrong dog? Oh, was that the wrong dog? Wrong dog.
Wait. What was I even doing? I didn't know.
See, I started doing Scooby-Doo, but then I forgot what. You did Fred Flintstone.
I forgot what he says, so I was going to go, Rab-a-dab-a-doo. Oh my God.
There's not enough space in my heart. That is...
So bad. That's my bit to do.
What? Rab-a-dab-a-doo? That's my bit. Oh, I stole your bit? How dare you? You don't Rab-a-dab-a-doo, dude.
That's me. Easy.
You better know better. Sorry about that.
You sound like that's not Scooby-Doo. That's like Scooby-Doo's is a nemesis, Raw Dog.
Oh. A less popular cartoon for some reason.
Yeah, Raw Dog. Can you imagine a true animated series called Raw Dog? Raw Dog.
Oh my God. It's like a crime fighting, crime solving dog.
And his arch nemesis is a condom. Just a a big yeah like a just a big doctor condom just a doctor condom king koopa for mario brothers yeah doctor condom yeah yeah i'm gonna cover you up no yeah and raw dog's like i gotta i'm trying to i'm trying to fuck shit up in this city well raw dog's not a dog oh he is.
Oh, I didn't know. Okay.
Clearly. Okay, you just talked yourself out of an EP credit.
I'm sorry. We were producing this thing.
My bad. I am, right? You always got to be thinking of shit.
Oh, I just farted. Excuse me.
Classic comedy. Okay.
Dr. Phil.
That was way more scarier than that needed to be. Do you know what that was, Dr.
Phil? No, ghost? Genuinely? Yeah. We we have a ghost yeah so i don't know if i can handle that there was a young small gentleman who used to be on the show and he passed away live in the studio yeah he used to drink wine often on here and he passed away in the studio and that was a little ghost of him trying to rest his little head on one of those and popped it how big is his fucking head it's pretty tiny okay so do you want to say anything to the afterlife he's in the room right now well i've read a bunch of things on how to get rid of ghosts and i've they actually say you're supposed to ask the ghost if they know they're dead or not which to me feels counterproductive hey hey you guys are fucking dead you know that and then they're like yeah but they can't talk back because they are dead do you get what i'm getting it no actually not i honestly don't okay well let me let me just hey little boy uh your balloon uh uh charade scared the fuck out of me but but i get it and i get what you're doing and i get why you're doing it but i i want to know if you could come back here and and uh be back on the show bad friends what would you do what would you add my email is at phil fill it up at aol.com

yeah hey phil fill it up did i stutter you said at phil oh at phil fill it up fill it up

usually talking to like a gas station attendant it's hey phil fill it up fill it up i got it

Thank you. You said at Phil.
Oh, at Phil, fill it up. Fill it up.
Are you talking to a gas station attendant? It's hey, Phil, fill it up. Hey, Phil, fill it up.
I got it. F-I-L-L for fill it up or P-H-I? P-H-I.
Okay. Okay, so hold on one second.
One of my first jobs was a- Let's be quiet and let's see Phil answer your question. I love that.
Ready? Be quiet. Go ahead.
You're a-ba-da-ba-doo. Why'd you look at me i thought yeah i had to do something no i thought i thought i was like i thought it was like your look was a callback loop no i look it was it was it was perfect yes okay fancy would just add in doc's voice being like yeah tino oh in the background yeah yeah that's good the rabidab is even better yeah i'd love to be uh just a fly on the wall inside your brain is that phrase was getting constructed.
Oh. In the background.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.
The rabidab is even better. I'd love to be just a fly on the wall inside your brain as that phrase was getting constructed.

Yeah.

As you would go, I'm saying the abidabidoo again or whatever the fuck you said.

Jesse, what are your New Year's resolutions?

Honestly or funny?

No, honestly.

I stopped smoking cigarettes.

Okay.

And then funny?

Probably.

Smoke more cigarettes?

Smoke heroin. Oh, shit.
I've never done it. But I'm a trumpet player and i think it would elevate me to the next level now is the trumpet known for being like conducive for drug abuse hell yeah you ever hear miles david come on dude what did he do the cool yeah but what was he sucking on sipping on he's probably sucking too He's on heroin.
He did hookers. Yeah.
This might be a good segue. Into my hooker movie.
That's right. I wrote a hooker movie.
It's Pretty Woman meets Shein' Night Nights. Whoa.
I like to talk about my real addictions. No.
Well, can we get, hold on. Do you really think...
This is a very interesting question.

Do you think that the influence of drugs elevated artists more than they would have ever been without it? The reason I ask this is because I saw a video an hour ago of Bradley Noel's son performing, and he sounds exactly like him. And I literally was eating thinking, I wonder if this kid sober is as talented as his dad was.
I don't know Bradley Knowles. Sublime.
Sublime. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Well, let me ask you this.
Could he imitate his dad if his dad never did the drugs? That's what I'm saying. So it is the drugs, isn't it? It is the drugs.
That's my point. As I eating, being like, it's got to be the drugs.
Yeah. We should do some drugs right now.
I am down.

I told you that.

I'm down, dude.

Jacob Noll.

Is that his name?

Yeah.

There was a video that was viral on the internet of him singing at a bar somewhere.

And it sounded exactly like, dude, it was like shocking how close it was.

Well, weren't the Beatles all on Crystal Myth?

No.

No, you're thinking of someone.

Yeah.

I'm thinking of someone.

You're thinking of Twisted Sister. There it is.
Yeah. Also a great band.
No, you're thinking of someone. Yeah.
I'm thinking of someone. You're thinking of Twisted Sister.

There it is.

Yeah.

Also a great band.

Yeah, yeah.

Twisted Sister.

What was the Twisted Sister song?

He had one good song, right?

He sung Twisted Sister.

What's a big hit of Twisted Sister?

All You Need Is Love?

No.

That's the Beatles.

What the fuck?

Oh, sorry.

No, no.

It was Hold My Hand.

No, no.

What was it? It was Safety Dancer. No.
What was the Twisted Sister main song? Their number one song. Girls rock the boys.
Yeah. Girl, come on, feel the noise.
Girls rock the boys. We'll get wild, wild, wild.
You do it like my mom, where you guess. You know it phonetically, but you're guessing.
Yeah, I don't know the lyrics. Fuck us, kid, a fuck.
Yeah. You are like what an Asian kid does when a band comes to their country.
You know what I love is like Afghan, I saw this one Afghanistan guy, some guy, you know, Middle Eastern guy. Sure.
No, and he was like singing a song, but he was just making up the lyrics, but he sounded. Oh, I saw that guy on the internet.
Yeah, I like when that happens. Yeah, because phonetically.
Phonetically. I don't know who said that.
Maybe I think I remember watching an interview with. What's the kid's name? Brandon from Incubus.
He said it was wild. We would go to like Japan.
Yeah. And they would phonetically know word for word.
Let me make up a song with gibberish English. Okay.
Well, you have to have a root song and then do.. No, I just make up a song, too.
Okay, great. Do it.
I care about my city town. I don't care.
And all around you need to care about city town. I'm roaming around and going down in the battle town.
You sound like a deaf person. It's like a deaf girl imitating a song.
There it. There's no way that singer can hear it.

Well, I tried.

I fucked it up.

Turn it up in my headphones.

That's what that sounds like. You try one.

You try one.

That's hard.

Okay.

No English, but it's got to sound like English.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

I'm going to get it fast, I do.

Let's keep on getting down.

I got to get up. That's how get up get up that was so good also deaf sounding I know they all sound deaf I would love to hear a Hootie and the Blowfish cover of that I think a lot of Hootie and the Blowfish songs sounded like that Hootie sounds like hootie hootie hootie and um red hot chili bubbles no stone temple pilots could be kind of spin doctors right in the same it won't hear it come on all right jess let's hear you do a song that has no english on it no rhythm we've heard before no rhythm you've heard before we just did two songs that you've never heard before.
You didn't hear those. Yeah, we used to hear them.
But I'd like to. You wanna say, yeah, I want to show you the baby beloved D.
Oh, I like that. Yeah, very Pearl Jammy.
That was J. Yeah, very Pearl Jammy.
All right, D. Phil, you're up.
Meh. Ain't they me, much anybody in a sea, a second And I want a chicken wheel Chicken wheels? Fun, fun, fun Fun, fun, fun Chicken wheels are fun French Michael McDonald Yeah Yeah, yeah Oh, I love me some Michael Taking it to the streets Taking it to the streets That guy, what was he taking, by the way? I have no idea.
Probably some hookers. That was one of my test auditions for SNL was on the original tape.
I didn't do it live. It was Michael McDonald ordering at McDonald's.
Very funny. Do the bet.
Can we hear it? I'll have a number one without cheese, please. Didn't end up doing it live.
But I put it on the original tape because I thought it was ridiculous. Michael McDonald ordering McDonald's.
Hold the pickles, please. Hold the pickles, please.
Hold the pickles, please. That's a great bit.
Yeah, well, it did not. They were like, don't do that live.
Now, did you purposely want to sing? Because there's always a singer on the show.

Yeah, no.

I just thought it was a really... I was high, and I thought of it, and I thought...

Can I tell you a character I did for my MTV audition?

Please.

I didn't know how to do impressions.

Still don't.

I know.

Yeah.

We saw your Scooby.

He didn't know that, too.

Yeah, do your Scooby-Doo again.

Scooby-Doo-Boo.

What?

That's deaf Scooby.

That's deaf Scooby. Hearing impaired Scooby-Doo.
Scooby-Doo. Okay.
Still deaf. Joined Scoob.
Wait, is that deaf Shaggy? Yeah, deaf Shaggy. Yeah, deaf Shaggy.
Pretty good. Great reference.
So they go, we need three impressions from you. And I was like, I don't know how to do it in my mind, right? Yep.
So I thought, number one, this is how clever I am, right? I go, I want to do impressions of people that they don't know what they sound like. They're famous.
Smart. Yeah, so I did.
So I just saw this interview with Chow Yun-Fat. It was on E.
And every, and I would explain this to the producers when I auditioned, I go, every three lines, he would change his position. So he would go, you know how they overpronounce it? Hello, my name is Chow Yun-Fat.
You know what I mean? And I would start like this, right? And every three lines I would change, but by the end of the auditions, I was on my head in the corner of the room backwards. Oh my God.
You know what I mean? I did the interview like that, and it crushed. But I decided to just figure out what the sketch was.
Right, yeah. And let that be the thing that's going to be funny rather than the impression.
Smart. Thank you.
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Rocketmoney.com slash badfriends. Then you did Connie Chung.
I didn't audition with them they made me did you ever meet her in real life dr phil oh i've met uh connie chung and uh michael cheng the tennis player yeah yeah every sort of chung cheng combination i've met maybe all the chinese people you've met okay okay boy what are we 20 minutes in i thought you're gonna ask me that from the get-go uh michael chang jack jackie chan check yeah jet lee check um who was the other one i said johnny chung yeah yeah and then connie had a whole family with her right so i met all them mildred chung mildred chung yeah yeah one of the most underestimated of the family um boy ariana yep ariana chung yeah ariana grande no chung her last name is chung yeah oh this yeah oh i didn't know yep you gotta you don't spend a lot of time online do you uh there's also fuck help me out andrew uh won't do it okay yeah fair enough and then that well oh no then the guy from um from teenage mutant ninja turtles two secret of the ooze splinter he played keno splinter And then the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Secret of the Ooze.

Splinter.

He played Kino.

Splinter Lee.

Remember the guy?

Well, Splinter Lee, yeah.

But then Kino.

Remember the pizza delivery guy?

Oh, yeah.

Kino.

Yeah, Kino.

I think he was in Three Ninjas.

He was in Three Ninjas.

How about the guy that-

Rufio.

Rufio.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

James Cass and Lee from Heroes.

What about the guy- I know quite a few. What about the guy in Liu Kang in the action series Mortal Kombat.
Yeah. James Cass and Lee from Heroes.
I know quite a few.

What about the guy in Liu Kang in the action series Mortal Kombat?

Yeah.

Liu Kang?

You met him?

That might be the one that I've yet to get a face-to-face with.

Chung Li.

You know Chung Li?

From Street Fighter.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And I've fucked a couple of Chung Lis in my day.

Really?

Well, this is college, pre-college.

Where'd you go to school?

Tulane. You went to Tulane University? I'm pretty sure, yeah.
Okay. What'd you study there? Biochemistry.
Really? Minor. I wanted to go to your Wikipedia page to find out how much you know about yourself.
Well, it's not up to date, but I did- Well, let's hold on one second. Let's get this.
And by biochemist, I meant like, you know, radio and television. No.
Communications. There you are, dude.
What a nice photo. So zoom in, please, on college career.
Go to college. Born in Oklahoma.
I think it was Missouri State I tried to get into, but the program there, the Mississippi State, Midwestern is where I ended up going. So it says here that you went to Shawnee Mission North High in Overland Park, Kansas.

Then you played linebacker high school.

That's correct.

You went to University of Tulsa.

You earned a football scholarship.

You failed to mention that. Tulsa, Tulane, you know, tomato, tomato, rare.

No, way off.

Not even close.

Okay.

And then it says you transferred to Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, Texas.

That I remember.

You do.

Look, when you do so much cool shit.

Yeah.

Right.

You just forget.

What did Jay-Z say?

Like, you know, I got two for my pimps and six for my hoes or something no i didn't say that well andrew you get it i mean like you probably don't even think about uh when you were on the office because you've done so much cool shit since i think about it i fucked that up pretty bad well that was one of my favorite episodes really dr phil well just because i've always wanted to get on a boat and travel the world and i've never done it and. And that episode, if we can cut to it, was- We can't.
We can't. I'll explain it.
There was you on a boat, and Ed Helms was taking off for Florida, I believe. And you were giving him the boat, and you had a sweater, a boat sweater.
That's right. And I just got real jealous because I've always wanted to hop on a boat.
Dr. Phil, you can afford to be on a boat.
I think you're very well off. Yeah, but not the type that Ed Helms was in the office, like a little fisherman's boat.
Oh, right. I can't afford that.
Well, look at this. The internet says your net worth is $460 million.
That's a lot of boats. It's a bit low.
Yeah. If I buy you a boat, is that weird? Literally a boatload of money.
Let's go. We'll let it in some laughter.
That was fucking funny. Dr.
Phil, you've accumulated a certain amount of money. Yeah, it's crazy.
What are you doing for your community? I was told there'd be no charitable inquiries. But I'll tell you, there's an orphanage called Loving Hands that I just donated some funds to.
Really? Is that the Catholic priesthood? What is that? No, it's, uh, you know, kids that are, uh, tossed to the side or babies that are born, but you know, the parents are like, you know, we got to go to Denny's. We can't be a dad.
So they drop the kid off and then loving hands picks them up. Okay.
I want to, I actually want to approach something real fast with this guy. We, there's some controversy that we want to go over right now, if you don't mind, Dr.
Phil. Sure.
In February of last year, a dozen current and former employees of your show alleged that they had experienced verbal abuse in a workplace that fosters fear, intimidation, and racism. Seven employees currently still claim that the show guests often manipulated and were treated unethically.
Attorneys for you, Dr. Phil, and your co-producer, Carla Pinkerton, they categorically denied every allegation.
However, I feel like you've had some hush money paid out. Well, I prepared a statement.
Oh, thank you. In response to the recent allegations, I'd just like to say, and you sound like a bunch of pussy-ass losers.
Wow. Wow.
You wrote that down? Well, I typed it. Okay.
it okay yeah now i also ask you in 2016 you and your wife filed a 250 million dollar defamation lawsuit yeah yeah and what ended up happening with that i mean you know you've been to court no you ever seen a mere case traffic court bit yeah such a good bit one of my favorite bits about traffic I think that that day was just a- Did you say Amir K? No, I said Circle K, the gas station. What are you doing your Def Comic bit again? Oh my God.
Dude, this guy's ripping you. Do you need to take a timeout? I apologize.
Hey, can I be honest? Hold on, hold on. I drank a Four Loko in the car.
Wow, I was just like, that really pissed me out. Yeah, I saw that.
You know what I felt like? I felt like trying to come hard in the paint at a diner, and you're just not having it. Yeah.
Because you're buying the food. We're going to blank that name out, by the way.
Yeah, yeah. Can't be just making up names.
Okay, let's move on. So, court.
Amir K., the court bit. I love the court bit.
But what I hate about court is that you're there for something important.

And I didn't want to be.

So, Andrew, that.

Sorry, dude.

That lawsuit was a real pain in my tooth.

Okay.

So you know what?

I don't want to bring that up anymore.

It's fine.

I apologize.

But I will say you made bad baby famous, right?

That's like on your watch.

Not on purpose either.

But it was inevitable.

Certain people have star quality.

Jet ski? Yeah. Let's talk about it.
To my right, there's a, there's a star shining and you can see it and you understand it and you want it to shine. Bad baby.
No one had any intention of seeing her fly, uh, up into the sky. And I apologize for rhyming so quickly, but I just, I think that what she's doing is impressive and it's, I stand by the choices she made.

Yeah, she came on my show and I'll be honest with you, Andrew and Bobby, when she first

opened her mouth, all I could think in my head was, shut your fucking dumb mouth, you

stinky twat.

Whoa.

Whoa.

But then.

That's a little aggressive, Dr. Phil.

But then she spoke and I go, I get it.

You knew right away.

I could tell.

You could tell.

Because the attitude was real and the character was relatable. Kind of like Theo Vaughn.
We'll blur that name. No, no, we don't have to blur that.
How about we blank off the Theo and see if people can guess what Vaughn we're talking about. I bet they will.
Can we switch a little bit? I want to ask about your show real quick. Please.
May I? Yeah, please. You guys were guests and phenomenal.
Appreciate you. Okay, anyway.
A lot of times I see on your show you have people with phobias. What's the craziest phobia you saw in your show? Very good.
Well, arachnophobia is a big one. Fear of spiders.
Spiders? That's not really a big one. Yeah, yeah.
I've seen like cucumbers. People are afraid of cucumbers.
Well, let me finish. In the Jewish community.
Careful, Dr. Phil.
When you see spiders, do you mean hamás? Is that what you're talking about? Well, now that we're here, yeah. Oh, wow.
So let me just back that up and put it in reverse. You could keep that in because I'm not saying it.
Oh, yeah, no, we're keeping it in. My lawyers already draft up a whole thing about this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The biggest phobia I saw was the fear of public speaking.
Okay. I get that.
But the biggest fear was fear of sexual intimacy. Okay.
Still not weird, but I've seen other shows. You'd seen people'd seen people okay okay let me finish with hermaphrodites oh so hermaphrodite intimacy who's playing coachella i think no no second night this year second night doing the hologram thing yeah yeah with tupac uh fear of fear of just sexual touching uh and then fear of um gas stations you ever seen strange addiction on a and e yeah where like a girl would be like i can't start my day unless i eat a bar of soap and you're like well i feel bad for you but also gross gross yeah so we just try to deal with it as it comes but phobias are uh everyone's got a phobia of something.
What's your phobia, Phil?

Well, ghosts who pop balloons, unexpected, big fear.

I heard you say black people.

Yeah, but that was a joke.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, you know.

What's your real fear?

Dr. Phil, I want to break you down.

What is genuinely the thing that shakes you?

What really gets under your skin? You're playing a pickup game at 24-Hour Fitness. Basketball, yeah.
Oh, yeah. And someone's talking a little bit too much shit, and they can't back it up.
So you dig deep, right? You stretch a little bit extra, and you throw a couple bows. You drop a little Charles Oakley on them.
But sometimes that doesn't go your way, and they ban you from that hour fitness. That's your fear.
Well, I'm getting to it. My fear is not being able to control my anger.
Oh, okay. Against certain kinds of people.
That's not what I'm saying. Well, it did sound like it.
Well, okay. Look, most of the pickup games are featuring less than white characters.
Dr. Phil, you can just say I'm racist.
Say that. I won't say it.
You won't? Okay. I won't say it because...
Oprah will be mad. Oh, I've been with everybody.
And I think once you experience everybody, you get to know truly that this country is made up of a cool species of people. What? I'm listening actively.
Let me ask you. I want to see if you're the real Dr.
Phil There was a comedian that taught you how to play tennis Yeah Who was that comedian's name? Oh Kirk Fox Want to see my Kirk Fox impression? That's really good You do know him Very good We're all just doing it EOR took it again Very good What Very good. You do know.
Well, we're all just doing it. EOR took it again.
Very good. What Mitchie wanted.
But I don't do impressions actively. Seems like you do.
I taught Kirk tennis. He's got a good forehand.
Backhand could use some work. You taught him tennis.
Oh, yeah. I thought he taught you.
He was like a professional. Kirk's going around telling everybody that he taught me let's okay and i don't want to say i write a lot of his material because i don't but i have influenced some punch lines wow you guys know what it's like when you're hanging out busting balls someone says something funny and they go you're gonna use that you do that with him i don't have to but i do it what's dr phil's favorite meal swimming after breakfast because it challenges my body to step up right breakfast you don't have a great body dr phil it's not where i want it to be but 2024 is coming up and i'm looking to i don't know get a stair stepper or a trainer or zempic oh you're gonna get on the oz is that what the kids are calling it that? Yeah, and you should know that for your show.
Yeah, I'd suck on Dorothy's titties. Your friend, well, I can take you down that yellow brick road.
Your friend Oprah revealed she was on Ozempic. I saw that.
Yeah. Now, is this why you got influenced to do it? Because the big O did it? Well, I prepared a statement.
Oh, please. So, Oprah, as you said, recently on the Oz.

Is that all written on one paper or is this a separate? Yeah, I prepared a lot of statements.

All right.

It's a size eight, courier new.

You're a courier new guy?

Yeah, I look at you.

I think wingdings all day.

Now, which one is that again?

Because it's been a minute since I've written a paper. It's all the symbols.
That's a great. That's wingdings.
Dr. Phil, get it together, bud.
Right. So a lot of heat is coming towards my pal Oprah.
They go, hey, you were bigger and now you're not. What'd you do? Well, in her defense, you know, food has been an issue for quite some time as has been for me as well one night in particular i think it was 1996 and i just uh gotten some sort of an award and we were getting a little stony bolognum dipping gushers into cool whip i digress but i think that that night told us a lot about ourselves that we we have a sugar addiction, so leave her the fuck alone.
Wow. I'm glad you write this stuff down.
There we are toasting. I think that's when I just, I don't know, dyed my pubes or something.
No, she was toasting. Oh, that was when the book came out.
I will say that's a very relatable thing to drink Cristal. I think most Americans- Oh, and that picture was not staged.
I would say most Americans want to see you in Louboutin shoes, cheers in Cristal. You want to get back to your roots? I think so.
You want to relate to the people? You got to wear $5,000 shoes drinking $2,000 champagne. We're of the people.
Dr. Phil, we're people people.

That's a good Oprah.

We're people people.

Yeah, she says that a lot.

We're people people.

We're people people.

Well, I love the big O because she's Chicago.

She represents my city.

I love that.

Now, going to an Oprah taping seems almost like a mad TV taping from the 90s.

Energy stuff.

I was on that show.

I know.

That's why I brought it up.

Yeah, let's not go back to it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's not pretty good.

Fair enough.

I went to Jerry Springer when I was in high school.

Did you really?

Yeah.

That's awesome.

On Senior Ditch Day.

Are you... that's why i brought it up yeah let's not go back to it yeah yeah i'm a big fan i went to jerry springer when i was in high school did you really yeah that's awesome on senior ditch day are you fucking kidding me i swear to god on senior day that's where we went that's we went to jerry springer downtown um hey he was a legend and b the audience must have been banana city we'll be right back keep it right here no yeah i went to jerry springer and i just i don't know why we haven't talked about this for my senior ditch day i didn't know that it was fucking the most fun i think i've ever had was there violence that day you i bet you can guess the category of what it was that day baby's mama baby's mama was the first one what do you think the second one animal attack videos no no no that's very good i wish we got an animal yeah so baby's mama and then um who's the daddy who's the daddy? Who's the daddy? Oh, who's the daddy? That's what the category was called, the baby mama.
That was the first one. What's the second one called? Was it rebellious kid? No, not rebellious teen.
That's a good guess. Those are my favorite.
Those are great when they get scared straight. You see the one where the guy's like, fuck you, and then the kid's like, he's like, where's your dad and he's like and then he's like you want me to be your dad and then the kid's like i've never seen that one oh it's fucking sad i like it when the kids though double down i love that you know i mean fuck you bitch yeah i love that you know you gotta go tell me what to do and then they never get kicked out of the house they win and then i love it then sometimes they send them to scared straight remember that tv show yeah where they put them in a prison i did went to one you went to scared straight no mine was in the forest are you serious scared gay what was that no no mine was um come here behind this tree no mine was you have to walk from mammoth to yosemite and back you did not do that i.
I did. You did not do that.
No way you completed that task. I did.
You walked from Mammoth. It was 12 rebellious kids.
I did it my junior, sophomore year in high school. You walked from Mammoth.
Not in a day. It took weeks and weeks.
Where did you stay at night? In a tent. You did this? Yes.
How the fuck have we never talked about this? It's not something I want to about i want to talk about i was always the last guy i remember to go catch up lee dude that entire walk would take how long did it say 14 hours 14 fucking hours did you sleep weeks how would you guys go there and back would you do a mile a day no we would camp and they would talk to us about rocks okay this, this sounds made up. Did you learn anything? No, but I remember.
It doesn't sound like it. I did, but I won the talent show.
What was the talent? I sang a song called Edie Amin. Sing it right now.
I don't remember the song, but I made up a song. I go, Edie Amin, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Do you know what I mean? Something like that. Are you serious? Yeah, and all the guys were like, no one knew what he was.
I didn't even know who he was. That won.
It won it. Did no one else do anything? Fuck you, dude.
No, I mean, you're very talented. Fuck you, dude.
That's not it. Yes, it is it.
No, that's not good. I performed it.
Somebody must have done something. I went out there and did it, dude.
Did you give a pube shot? No. Back then, you couldn't do that.
Why? It was against the rules. But you walked from your...
And I remember jumping in a lake on a cliff. What lake? I don't remember.
Well, zoom in. There's one right there.
I mean, I'm... I want to say this too.
I have photos to prove it at home. Next week, you're bringing them in.
I will. I have photos to prove it.
That lake? Grant Lake would have been the one he passed. Grant Lake jumped in.
Yeah. How was it? I remember being cold, but I remember doing it.
And I remember being proud of myself. Did nobody else do it? Everyone did it.
We were all meth kids. Right.
Wow. So the great meth hike from Yosemite.
Yeah. By the way, a real meth head would have done it in a day.
But it was like a scared straight kind of a program. And I came back, I remember going, yeah, I'm going to do more meth.
Yeah, that would make me do way more meth. It didn't work.
Yeah, it's almost like when the DARE officer tells the kids about drugs and he just gets them fired up to taste them. Yeah, they bring in bongs.
I thought that was so funny. They were like, don't use these.
And you would absolutely want to use them. They show how fun it is to take a bong rip.
Dr. Phil, you smoke pot.
Oh, all the time. All day, every day, Snoop style.
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I think that there is something about your journey, though, that I dig. What? I went to another rehab in Oceanside.
I met this girl. Right? And this is why I relapsed.
The girl? No, I relapsed. So I met this girl at rehab, is why I relapsed The girl? No I relapsed So I met this girl at rehab And I remember She lived in Vista Right And we were like We're about to go to an A meeting And she goes Let me try something on you And I go okay And she put her My body in between her legs And she squeezed What came out of you? Nothing Not toothpaste? No nothing, nothing, dude.
Yeah, yeah. That's why you got- Red bean paste.
Red bean paste. Oh, wow.
No, nothing. No, that's not what it was.
Then I go, let me- Because I was on the wrestling team. So I go, let me try.
She goes, okay. And I locked it in, and I squeezed, and she almost died.
You almost killed her? She couldn't breathe. So then you did heroin again.
No, and then she would- I remember her crying, going, why could you do it so hard? It's a fair response. She had done it to me, and then I went on relapse.
Wait, what? Idiot, you mean? Do you know what I mean? Idiot, you mean? Winner of all talent shows, my friend. Yeah, you are.
There had to be somebody else competing against you in that talent show. Did anybody do like a Michael clark duncan or a terry shabbo that wasn't around in the 80s fuck face right impressions weren't no michael clark duncan oh right i did a movie with him my very first movie what was it called it was called um um um underground comedy movie fuck yeah so underground so underground you put bobby lee underground comedy movie, the ShamWow guy was in it.
No, he was the main guy. So put Bobby Lee in there.
You'll see what I do. I played the most racist fucking part.
Yeah, who'd you play? Am I in there? No. They cut you out of the poster? Yeah, they probably cut me out.
Anyway, I was in that. Dr.
Phil, there's a lot of non-comedians that are going to be in this year's Netflix as a joke festival I've been seeing online.

Are you going to make an appearance by any chance?

I think so.

I think we locked in a show for May the 6th.

Wow.

Are you in one?

No.

I wasn't in one either.

No, I'm not in one. I did see Tom Brady is doing it, which-

Of course.

That makes a lot of sense.

Which makes perfect sense.

Because when I think of comedy, especially-

Yeah, Sushi Mama.

Your name was Sushi Mama? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God.
That's incredible. Well, we're buying that shirt.
Yeah, yeah. Look at that shirt, dude.
It's in stock. That's awesome.
It's in stock. No shit, Carlos.
$220? Buy it, please. No shit, go buy it.
I'm buying one. In fact, I'll buy one for you.
Give Dr. Phil, give him your credit card.
He's going to buy it right now. Yep.
We could do it later. We could do it later.
We'll do it. The first time I've taken my wallet out.
I just figured $460 million, that's not a big deal for him. Dude, that is fucking wild.
Sushi Mama is definitely a band. You think it is? Sushi Mama? Yeah, yeah.
We should start a band called Sushi Mama Like a surf rock Was that like a hidden gem character? You know what I'm saying? Like a fan favorite? No what they did was I remember I was at the La Jolla Comedy Store I was in the open mic And fucking ShamWow guy came up to me Vince He goes yo. And what'd he say? He goes, yo, I'm the ShamWow guy.
Jesus Christ. And it was like the first celebrity I ever met.
Yep. So I froze.
Yeah, I miss that spiky hair. That's when I first got wind of you.
Really? Back in the day? Oh, yeah. You got those headshots with the spiky hair and the Hawaiian shirt? Yeah, yeah, dog.
I bought that same shirt just because I loved that headshot so much. Okay, good.
I'm a big fan of- I'm a big fan of yours, too. My headshots are boring, though.
I just... I'm just...
I'm just Kirk Fox-ed it up. Let's see Dr.
Phil's headshots. I want to see what some of your good headshots are.
They're all normal. You know, you're...
I'll go through the faces. Ready? Yeah.
This is me being like, okay... What's that face? Who touched you? Oh, that's it? Yeah.
What's this face? What's this one? I touched you. one i touched i touched you all right you can make my mustache fall off bobby all right let's all let's take turns so then jess you do the next one it's a fun game it's a fun game what's the next one yeah i just farted yes it is very good yep let's see no for real i did just fart yeah now now my question is where do you think i farted it like what room oh I thought you meant guess the fart I know this one I know this one I farted too much there's a little poo that's the face of a guy who's about to shit his pants on the 405 yeah yeah yeah oh what's this one I'm about to fart they're all pre and post fart and that one is you know what I did you know Oh.
That one's I'm about to fart. I'm about to fart.
About to fart. They're all pre and post fart.
And that one is, you know what I did.

You know what I did.

That's what my dog looks like.

You know what that is?

That's when I'm driving to the Laker game.

Yeah.

And you're in shotgun.

And I get out first after I've let one rip.

And I look at the valet guy and I go.

Keep that photo. Can you do that what that face well now seeing it from your vantage point this is terrifying let me see what i get somehow you always go cross-eyed it is a little what i am a little cock-eyed it's your eyes but you go cross-eyed when you do faces like that that's so fucking racist.
No, it's not. Do it big.
You go cross-eyed. Yeah, you do.
Yeah, the right one's in. I have that headshot too.
What? Whoa, dude. I don't think you guys were made to imitate.
Like the machine malfunction. Let me see if I can.
Let me see if I can keep them straight. I'll do the noise.
I'll do the noise. Oh, you're doing it again.
It's better, huh? That's better. Creepy, though.

It hurts so bad, though.

They're moving so much.

Yeah, I'm controlling it.

Asian eyes are not supposed to do facial expressions.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, because look at this.

Like your mom, like this.

If I say to your mom, somebody died, her facial expression would be what?

Okay, okay.

No, no.

I don't know what kind of camera play.

I don't know what it went up. She would have no expression.
Oh Somebody died I just got a big promotion That's what you're saying? Mom I'm gay That's great Do you think when the two bombs dropped, there was facial expression? Probably. No.
They were just... Oh, my God.
Atomic bomb! Yeah. Can you imagine? That's right.
In Godzilla minus one, I saw them running. They were like...
Wait a minute. Godzilla! What do you think's scarier, Godzilla or a bomb? Godzilla with a bomb.
Godzilla is a bomb. What about watching Godzilla bomb at the ha ha His new shit is pretty good Can you imagine we got Earthquake What if a comedian came out and was like My name is Godzilla Could you do that More elements would be if we had another comedian that was like Tornado Well we had Chinaman Who's that Mark Britton His name was Chinaman yeah so years ago i was in texas was this story get better yeah it does it does so i wasn't so mark britain what was his name chinaman oh i remember this guy yeah yeah yeah his name was chinaman yeah that's him he's half asian his name was mark britain can we get this guy on the show can i say something let me say something about mark please okay he taught pablo francisco how to do impressions no yes this guy on the show? Can I say something? Let me say something about Mark.
Please. Okay.
He taught Pablo Francisco how to do impressions.

No way.

Yes.

This guy is the best impression that you'll ever see.

The movie trailer voice is probably this guy.

Yeah, from him, right?

Number two, right?

The world.

He would sell out every fucking show in Texas.

Sure, I don't doubt it.

And number three, he came up to me once and he goes,

yeah, man, I don't know.

I can't get anything going in Hollywood. And I go, maybe because your name is Chinaman.
What is the name of his album? Because you know, now he changed his name. Guess what? His name is Kid Walk? Kid Walk.
Wait, look at his website. No, you're kidding.
I swear to God. www.mesofunny.com is where you find his work.
That's a very funny website. Misounny is very good.
Kidwalk. Yeah.
Kidwalk, funny. But Chinaman was, and he was solid.
So, you know, but he wasn't even full Asian. That was what's crazy.
Well, but half. Used to get the hottest chicks too back in the 90s.
Do you think it was the goatee or one of them at least? He's so funny, this guy. I once met two girls in San jose that had been with polly shore yeah they had nothing but great things to say yeah and i gotta be honest i was a little jealous of the girls or polly maybe a little bit of both yeah because i've never hooked up with a celebrity you are a celebrity have you ever jerked off today have you jerked off i mean i don't like to say it's a problem, but it's not an issue.
Do you need to tell us something? All right. I jerk off a lot.
I don't know. What do you jerk off to? Music.
Oh. Oh, can we guess? Wow.
Can we guess the band? Sure, I got no shame. It's classical.
No. Sometimes, but not usually.
Megadeth. Yep.
That's what you jerk off to. Okay, don't act so surprised.
No, we're not. It's fine.
It's cool. Yeah, I don't know.
It's the contrast. Some people like a little bit of lotion.
I'm more of a soap guy. I thought you were Bruce Hornsby.
That's just the way it is. Yes.
Where's that guy? Love that song, though. Love it.
Just the way it is. What was the lyrics in the beginning staying in time marking time waiting for the marriage yeah some sad shit like working class work shit and then that's just the way it is i think it was like yeah wait like nine to five abortion time or something yeah yeah nine to five abortion but he played the piano with such uh your dad just died i just died it got dark real quick yeah it got real quick That's just the way it is.
And then you're listening. Dad just died.
It got dark real quick. Yeah, it got real quick.

That's just the way it is.

And then you're listening going,

it is the way it is.

It is the way it is.

I guess I have to suck it up.

Yeah.

And then the sweet piano would make you forget about your- And he laughs.

Life is great.

Just the way it is.

Okay.

I guess I can get a job.

Right.

No, you can't.

You know, another song, Fast Car by fucking, what's her name?

Tupac then used that song, by the way, and made it amazing.

What?

Fast Car by fucking What's her name? Tupac then used that song By the way and made it amazing What? Fast Car? No that's the way it is Oh it is? Yeah Fast Car is another depressing song From Tracy You got a fast car Oh fuck Oh shit Oh shit Bro bro You just hit my fucking heart Just night You got a fast car You know what Bobby's jacking off to tonight Yeah Wow Yo you're two for two and i might be going on tour so what's that song about fast car it's it's about your dad dad something right it's uh her dad has diabetes or something right yeah yeah yeah he's uh legless legless yeah where's she going to in that fast car she wants to go somewhere with her man a combination kfc TacoFC Taco Bell. Whoa.
Speaking of. You got a fast car.
Yeah. We got to go to KFC and you want a go bell.
Yeah. I'm going to bash potatoes and a gordita.
See? Go on, dee-da. Sweet.
What can be a cantina? There it is. Okay.
There it is. I once stayed at the Taco Bell Hotel.'s not something I tell everybody How was the Taco Bell Hotel? Diarrhea City Everyone was shitting themselves I had a stand up joke about Taco Bell Slash KFC You just did the punchline though It's hard to decide when you go to those things How bad do I want my diarrhea? Oh funny, you can have it I already did it well you know i've been doing that was in the 90s well i shot a special on vimeo you know did you really yeah yeah but it's you know i'll send you the link but it ain't it's not worth watching twice anyway yeah kfc and taco bell what a combination what other combination do you wish wish were out there? Oh, really? That's nice.

What do you wish?

How about just like two.

Okay.

So what this?

Yeah.

Tommy burger.

Okay.

Jamba juice.

Yikes.

That's really good.

Why?

Why would I say that?

Because I like the bowl. It always fucks up your stomach.

Yeah.

With the chili.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But then you're like, oh, I'll have some wheatgrass.

Level you out.

Level me. Like a little ginger shot.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like a ginger shot. I'm going to empty everything from the chili.
Yeah. You know what I mean? But then you're like, oh, I'll have some wheatgrass.
Level you out. Level me.
Like a little ginger shot. Yeah, yeah, a ginger shot.
I'm going to empty everything from inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is another good combination? What's a good combination? In-N-Out and Orange Julius. Pretty good.
Well, the In-N-Out burger's, you know, going to treat you right, Dairy Queen style, but also, you know, hot eats, cool treats are coming up inside you. Drop down a nice little Julius on top.
Okay, good. Very good.
Circle gets the square. I get it.
Circle gets the square. Yeah, yeah.
But I think that, yeah, it's a sweet on sweet that I like. Jess? I'd probably do like a Jack in the Box with a CVS.
Ooh! Why? Very smart. Just because I get like so much from Jack in the Box, I can't help myself because I'll get the tacos, the jalapeno bloppers, the sourdough Jack.
How about an egg roll? Sometimes an egg roll too. Maybe a chicken teriyaki bowl if you're getting frisky.
I've never got... They have that at Jack...
They have everything at Jack in the Box. They have everything.
And they have everything at CVS to cure. Everything that you get.
Ah. And more beverages too.
You can get a Gatorade Zero to CVS. Yeah, and you guys are never on your period and then you have to get fast food and then you have to go to the...
I know what that's like. Yeah.
I know what that's like. I would want to combine Firehouse Subs.
Oh, good fucking call. You know Firehouse Subs? I love them.
I like them. Yeah.
Firehouse Subs and a AutoZone why why i've been i have to change my fucking oil and i just can't get there but if you put it near in a combination of a firehouse subs because i'm gonna eat lunch but how often can i go fucking to auto zone to change my oil that's nuts i need oil in my car haven't been there it's been beeping at me for a month and them together. I'll fucking do it.
Wow. I love that.
Let me get a fucking turkey avocado. I'll get some oil then.
That's a really good idea because AutoZone doesn't have snacks. No, there's no snacks there.
Yeah. But they have a lot of things that you need for your vehicle.
But not for your vehicle. Thank you.
We'll be right back. Yeah.
Oh, okay. I pointed at you to do it.
We're going to keep it right here because I do have something to say about that. Bless you.
Is that chicken pox or monkey pox? I don't know. You're the doctor.
I have a statement prepared for that. Jess, your sarcasm has been an issue lately.
Sharkasm? Mm-hmm. Sharkasm.
Sharkasm, Shark-hasm. It's when you're like, I didn't shoot my pants.
But you did. Yeah, you did.
You know what you did and who you are. Bobby, what's in that pen? Oh, no.
He's going to have an intervention on you right now. No judgment? Yeah.
Just curious. Okay.
What's in the pen? It's called a Juul, and it's like a tobacco-flavored vape. All good, all good.
What flavor is it? I just said tobacco. Like a strawberry or a cheesecake? No, I just said tobacco, man.
Okay. And when you suck on it.
Okay, where are you going? Where are we going, dude? You need it, huh? I don't need it. Okay.
Yeah, go ahead. Because I don't need it okay yeah okay because i don't need this

interesting approach very interesting well every patient's different yeah oh you're still okay he's trying to get you off the pen go ahead no no and if if anything i'd like to encourage more of it you want him to use the vape pen more i think he's not vaping enough that's not going to work either

listen Dr. Film

I don't drink

I don't do drugs. I quit smoking cigarettes.
I vape some. Congrats on the no smoking.
This is my last hurrah here. Right.
So I think I'm doing pretty good. That and food.
You know what's so funny? That's not a shot. What my mom said to me yesterday, I shared yesterday I shared about it at my A meeting I'm not taking a shot at you What my mom said, you were there She said you'd be handsome if you lost weight She said you used to look like Elvis I thought you said your face doesn't match your stomach That's what she said That's deep She said did.
She said. What about my body? I think your body is fine.
She poked your stomach about five times. Yeah.
What do you think about my body? Me as your employee. That was a great fucking answer.
Very good. Yeah.
I never know our dynamics. I mean, do you think I should lose some weight? I think you you should I think you're perfect just the way you are

Like looks wise but you should

Walk

It's just the way it is

Yeah

You'll never be like how you were

After you gorge a big meal I want you to sit at the

Piano all slovenly just go

That's just the way

Things will never be the same

Fall asleep

I don't think you need to lose any weight

Thank you. You just go, da-da-da.
That's just a word. Yeah.

Things will never be the same.

Yeah, yeah.

Fall asleep.

Yeah.

I don't think you need to lose any weight.

Thank you.

All I think you need to do is continue being happy and that your health will follow suit.

I actually really agree with that.

Look at Carlos. Carlos looks as healthy and happy as I've ever seen him.

He hugged me today when I came in the studio.

I was here early yelling at somebody.

Uh-huh.

And Carlos walked in and had a big smile, didn't you?

Uh-huh.

And you just, you looked very good.

Thank you. He hugged me today when I came in the studio.
I was here early yelling at somebody. And Carlos walked in and had a big smile.
Didn't you? And you looked very good. You feel good? He came to the meeting today.
Well, I was going to let him share it. But do you want to share this on the show or no? Yeah, I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years today.
Whoa. Hey, that's a big deal.
Don't let anyone tell you it's not. No one didn't.
No one said it wasn't. Well, they might.
No, they won't. There's haters out there.
Phil, what the fuck are you doing? What you represent on TV is different than today. Yeah.
I thought you were about to throw a plastic set of glasses at me. Let me say something about you, Phil, dude.
Get him. Even since I've been in here, before even the cameras went on, man, you've been negative and fucking weird, swearing up a fucking storm.
Get him, Bob. You're acting like the opposite of what you're fucking representing on television.

I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude. I love this.

Who the fuck are you, dude?

It's good to see some emotion coming from you.

Doctor. Are you high right now, dude?

No. Look at your eyes, dude.

Dr. Phil

is stoned. Dr.
Phil, you're stoned right now.

When did you eat an edible?

You know that didn't pause it.

No, it didn't do anything.

Yeah, it's been a rough couple weeks.

What's been going on, Phil?

My goldfish died.

Okay.

Oh, man, we'll get you a new one, bud.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's tough to replace the first fish you buy.

Oh.

Oh. When did you buy it? I'm good.
They live like three days. Three days ago.
Okay. Well, Dr.
Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with Carlos. I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new one.
It doesn't mean anything. And Carlos, we are proud of you.
Big time. I want to say how happy I am.
You have looked like you're feeling like a new man. Your clarity the other day was remarkable.
Thank you, Andrew. You were intimidating Bobby a little bit.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we had some good riffs on the show when I was sober.
I was surprised. Yeah.
I feel good at how good you feel. It was interesting.
Coming in that episode I felt more like I felt sharper You want to show us something shiny? Yeah I got this 24 hour chip And I showed it to Andrew and I almost started crying And I gave him a big hug Are you serious though? He is Shut the fuck up Wait what the fuck are you talking is. He gave me a big hug and almost started crying.
I know because I don't know.

Are you or not?

Yeah.

I don't.

I just.

I want you to want it.

But if you don't want it, I'm fine too.

I mean, I wouldn't have gone to the meeting if I didn't. If I didn't want to like explore that.

Like I tried to stay sober last night and it didn't work.

Yeah.

And I was like.

And tonight.

No, tonight I'm going to.

Really? I'm going to call. Let him do it him do i believe him i believe he's got the the token to prove it it's not real 24 hours then put talking to the mic sweetheart it's not been 24 hours then no no well listen we did a cut pieces of like shit out of people's lives the negative fucking name you mean fancy yeah yeah Negative Yeah.
Yeah, negative fancy. That's your new name.
Negative fancy, dude. I'm just saying he- No, no, no.
Fuck you, dude. You told me yesterday you didn't drink.
No, no, but then I did drink. Yeah, this is what happens.
So in addiction, fans, it goes up and down. Oh my God, you arrogant piece of shit.
I was trying. Fuck, dude.
This is a Spanish-Mexican thing. I know what it is that's what it is can i can i say can i take a stab at trying to see what how we got here yeah go ahead carlos uh you've been sober a day now yeah like uh yeah like 10 hours so like five back-to-back episodes of saved by the bell the college years exactly that's not a long time but you spent your time prior to that enjoying the uh the benefits of alcohol consumption no yes what were some of the most fun things you did and do you miss it right now phil is this gonna keep him sober i just i don't know your approach you're a doctor what are the negative yeah well that sounds like a good place to start.
Yeah, exactly. What got you? What did you hate about yourself? Honestly, that I would wake up, not remember how I got home.
That, by the way, is something we've all been there. Oh, my God.
The nightmare of... Imagine.
I've never been there. Imagine us getting the call me okay oh hey what's up uh yeah hey carlos no it's me bobby oh hey bobby yeah why are you calling from carlos's phone uh good hold on hold on what are the numbers what are the numbers of the show i think we're doing really well this week good good good we hit all the checkpoints yeah speaking of hit you got anything to tell me oh yeah yeah oh why do i have carlos's phone that's right um why he's he's uh well he's in the back of a police car what's new yeah well what's new is um yeah what's the new part about the new part about this is that um family died.
Hi, I'm Officer James. I'm here to tell you about the family.
Now, are you calling me or are you here with me right now? Oh, I'm here. Oh, Officer James.
I'm so sorry. It's good to see you.
We came. Oh, you guys showed up.
I was in the car, yeah. Oh, you came together.
Yeah, we came. Yeah, we came.
Yeah, we came. Yeah, we came.
Yeah, we came. Yeah, we came together.
Jesse, what are you doing here? What the fuck? Have you been with these guys all day no i thought we were recording yeah we're supposed to shoot yeah anyway officer james wrap this up we have to have to film bad friends now yeah well and i know that and i realize that this happened close to home and i and i hate that for you but your friend carlos uh hit a family and they were on their way to can i stop you for a second you look exactly like Dr. Phil yeah I was thinking that I thought too that are you it was crazy Dr.
Phil let me live a normal life huh oh you're like oh I know you're like Steven Seagal yeah I'm like undercover sometimes he's a cop and stuff you ever see Undercover Brother with Eddie Griffin 100% yeah yeah I'm the white version of that wow so you So you cosplay as a cop. Yeah.
You're like Shaq.

You're like a-

Should we go to the murderers first?

Oh, what happened?

So the family, it's so there was, I think they were, it was all adults.

Yeah, but the good news, Andrew-

Where were they going?

Andrew.

Yeah?

The good news, raccoons.

Ate them.

Oh, it was a family of raccoons.

It was a family of raccoons.

Well, who ate the bodies of the family that was real.

That's true.

That is true. We opened them up, yeah, and there was a Hispanic family inside the bodies of the raccoons.
How many people was this? Well, I mean, you know. 30? Felt like five, but they just kept coming out.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just like they do in like a regular car.
Yep. Yeah.
Well. What do you mean? Sorry, officer.
I just didn't get that bit. A lot of them.
No, what do you mean? They fit a lot. They're like clowns.
What's the Mexican one? That's it. Sorry.
That was awesome. Let's get back to the truth.
Oh, Carlos is here. What's up? Let's get back to the truth.
Thank God. Thank God, baby.
You didn't do anything fucking tragic. That we know of.
Yeah, that's true, because that's not okay. And hey.
What's in your hand right now? If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up. I will fuck you up.
You're close, Dad. I don't like it.
It's not funny. I don't like it.
It's not funny. Not funny.
I've stepped to surrender to you today. Okay, what is this? Bring it over.
MDMA, mushrooms, and cocaine. Give it to me now.
Well, and then leave it here first, and then I'll bring it over to Andrew. So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.
Good for you. What is it? Now do you want

to measure this to make sure that none of you... Okay, so what's

the white powder? Hey, I'm proud of you. Hey, my man.

What's the white powder? Big fucking deal.

Well, this is Coke, yeah? I don't know.

Can I see? Officer, doctor? No.

I'm not going to see that. Do you want to hear your mind? Coke.

Yeah, cocaine. Last time I did Coke was

at a third eye concert. Molly? Molly.

Molly from

a different dealer. Molly from a different dealer.
I think I rented that high school molly uh mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms more mushrooms and the uh coke no fentanyl so it's good to go doctor you've tested it yeah that's the last of it i've done it and then i had it as a backup in case i needed an oomph in the morning and then then... Dr.
Phil, I made him pee on a cup,

and I want to make sure you test it.

Yeah, we'll have our...

My producer, Tina, will test it.

Oh, I thought you were, Dr.

We call her Pee Tina.

Oh, there you go.

So you peed in the cup before the show.

Dr. Phil, do you want to make sure that it's clean?

Yeah, cute.

So he's not lying?

Is this real American urine?

Yeah.

Well, Mexican.

Okay. Mexican-American.
What's the difference? If you taste it, you'll know. Spicier.
It's spicier. It's got a little bite to it.
Yeah. I just want to make sure that it's drug-free.
Drug-free. That's real piss.
Yeah. Give it one small sip, doctor.
That's how you test it? Yeah, I smell the pee. Okay.
I'm not a doctor. I don't just eat shit.
I smell it to make sure it's... Dr.
Phil, relax. She's not a doctor.
I've never tested piss before. She doesn't know? Well, you haven't truly lived then.
All right, here we go. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Is it clean? oh my god oh my god is it clean oh my god his pupils are dilating i really wish i hadn't done that why because now i'm hooked now you're it's delicious pound it dude pound it dr phil that's great wow wow it's the last of my margarita in my system. You okay? There's tequila in there.
It's not clean, right? Return the chip. I mean, it definitely is pee, but...
This guy... Return the chip.
Such an asshole. Return the chip.
You sound like a James Bond villain. Return the chip.
There it is. You must return the chip.
Dr. Bond.
Dr. Bond.
I have an idea. Because Fancy's been so negative lately and Carlos is just getting out of drugs.
I think I saw this in a movie. If they switch places.
So Carlos could raise Fancy's baby and have a beautiful wife and learn responsibility and Fancyancy could start doing cocaine and kind of loosen up a little bit. Do you want the show to be up on time every Monday? Do you see what I'm saying? Like he could loosen up a little bit.
There was a negative. Now let's see.
Strike one. Even if you switch places physically, let's see if it dynamically changes how you guys are.
This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie, The Change Up. It's exactly like that.
That's what I'm thinking of. All right, let's see if maybe this helps even a little bit.
Oh, I like this. Yeah.
Oh, wow, you're, yeah. You like the position.
Oh, you look so good there. Thank you.
Hey, fans. How are you feeling? I feel like drinking.
Okay. Wow.
Imagine going on a cruise boat and hearing that in the room across the hall.

I feel like drinking.

And you go, we must be in the weird part of the ship.

By the way, you pass by that room.

You pass by the room thinking, right on, man.

But you see he's just looking in the mirror by himself.

I feel like drinking.

No one's even in there with him.

You poke your head and you go, my man, you need a sandwich or something? Dr. P, I feel like those Eddies are kicking in right now, aren't they? I'm feeling pretty good.
Can't taste the pea residue. Carlos, congrats again, man.
Thanks, Doc. I want to give you a big shout out and a quick little pat me on the back for yourself.
I like to do it for myself and then I just do that to you. See now, Dr.
Bill, this wouldn't mean like brush it away. This is kind of dismissive.
Oh, sign language. Isn't this like fuck off? No, this is fuck off.
That's fuck off. You know Adam Ray, right? Sure.
Yeah. Can you Can I say something? Not a fan.
I'm either. Not a fan.
I've seen him on YouTube. But I did a video with Andrew and Adam Ray about an Olympic video.
It's done very well on the internet. One of my favorites, yeah.
One of my favorites. But I want to say something.
Just relate this to Adam, if you may. Okay.
I'm super proud of him because I can see him coming up in the comedy world in terms of like the numbers and people talking about him okay he's working super hard he is yeah and I uh honestly I tell him that I'm really proud of the guy that's so nice well that means a lot there it is yeah well you know it's a grind and as you guys know you know we just try to put one foot in front of the other that day when we did that what was my. Was I really? Yeah, you were being a little asshole.
Wow, 11 years ago. 11 years ago.
Look at that. And you left early.
You left the shoot before. I mean, look at the Coke.
God, someone's dealing Coke in a video game. Well, you left the shoot before we were done.
We had access to the gym for a certain amount of time. Yeah.
And Hoot Tututi was a great great name for- Unbelievable. Yeah.
Hoot Tututti. How skinny I was.
Well, you look good. You look good, haven't changed a bit.
Look what Hoot looks like. Your mom would like this.
This was 11 years ago. I can't believe it.
Is that crazy? Is that his mom look like this? No, she would like him here. You see, you didn't get less negative for some reason.
It's like you stayed- I'm positive. He looks great.
No, you said your mom would like this.

It's like a backhanded compliment.

No, she looked great.

You're a fucking asshole, man.

You look great.

Fuck you, dude.

11 years ago, you're saying.

It's a decade ago.

Yeah.

Bobby, you know what I love about Hoot's outfit?

It looks like a real coach's outfit.

It does.

Did you have that jacket or did you buy it?

No, that was in his trunk.

Yeah, that was my trunk.

It was in the trunk of his car.

I remember you getting it out. It was very funny.
You know who complimented me about this video? Who? Allison Jones. Oh, really? No way.
Yeah, she goes, I saw that video you did with Andrew and Adam. She goes, so funny.
You know what was really funny about this moment that we were starting to shoot this? You didn't want to do it and then you asked if you could smoke in the gym. Oh, that's right.
And I thought, of all the places you probably can't smoke, it's in a fucking- Yeah, it's a kid's gymnasium. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know what? But what a fun video. You killed.
You're violent. What a funny thing, too.
It's like, violence is only funny if it's done by the right people. Yeah, that's right.
That's true. Schwarzenegger.
What? Ooh, the way you said that. I don't like the way you said that.
Well, Arnold. Yeah, but the last name.
Well, now you're making me self-conscious. No, no.
Say the last name. Do you know him, Arnold? Yeah.
You know, in passing. We've been at premieres together.
I mean, the Schwartz was fine. Yeah, Schwartz sounded normal.
Let's just leave it at that then. Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we met at the premiere of, God, what was it? That's your old accountant, Arnold Schwartz.
Yeah, yeah, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
What a film. Wow.
With Christina Applegate and a very early Estelle Getty. Love Christina Applegate.
Dude, I had such a crush on her. Big crush.
Elizabeth Shue in that? No. No, that's a- Babysitter.
No, Babysitter. Don't Tell- Adventures in Babysitting.
Yeah. Boy, a lot of babysitting movies.
She's doing pretty good, huh? Elizabeth Shue. Yeah.
What is she doing? I'm not privy to what you're saying. She's in The Boys.
Oh, The Boys, The Boys. Whoa.
You see The Boys? I have. Great show.
Very funny. I don't see a lot.
I watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. A lot of.
Other doctors. Chopped Junior.
Boy, they're mean to those kids. Yeah.
They're like, hey, Caleb. Do you know Dr.
Scholes? Popper. A lot of Chopped Junior.

Boy, they're mean to those kids.

They're like, hey, Caleb.

Do you know Dr. Scholl's?

The medicine woman.

Or no, the product.

Yeah, I also know Dr. Pepper.
The shoe guy.

Isn't Dr. Scholl's a shoe guy or no?

Do you know Dr. Pepper?

Sure.

Do you know Dr. Pepper?

I know Justin Guarini,

if that's what you're getting at.

I can call him right now. Don't, please.
Please don't. I Do you know Dr.
Pepper? Sure. You know Dr.
Pepper? I know Justin Guarini, if that's what you're getting at. Yeah.
I'm the guy. I can call him right now.

Don't.

Please.

Please don't.

No.

Yeah.

I'll read the room.

Do you know mythological doctors?

Well-

Like Dr. Doom?

Dr. Doom?

Yeah.

Well, Dr. Claw is probably the most famous of the fake docs.

Yeah.

Or maybe McDreamy.

Who do you think gets more pussy?

Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget or Patrick Dempsey? I'm going to go with Dempsey.
Yeah wild guess, but I think Dempsey does for sure. Yeah.
I mean, agree to disagree, but yeah. Yeah, Dempsey, he really popped off.
Jess, who was your hunk? Probably Doc Ock. Dr.
Octavius. Oh, yeah.
A man with eight arms. Are you kidding me? Oh, okay.
There we go. Hey, you're three for three.
Don't his fingers have tongues on them? They probably could. Isn't that how they taste? I've thought about it.
Yeah, yeah. Can you imagine that? They don't, but they could.
They could. Can you imagine getting fingered and there's a tongue on the finger? These are the things I think about.
Yeah. Imagine Dr.
Octavius. What's his name? Octavius.
Octavius. Him being a goalkeeper for a soccer team.
Amazing.feated I mean imagine you're doing a penalty kick And he's just Unstoppable And then just tongues everywhere He don't have tongues does he? Oh my god Ronaldo would be scared Everybody would be No Ronaldo could get him You think so? Yeah he FIFA Ronaldo could. Fuck yeah, man.
You know much about soccer? Love FIFA. Scored on my own team in the fourth grade.
True story. What do you mean? My friend's dad called me a fucking idiot.
Yeah, wait, own goal? What's that? It's called an own goal. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. The goalie was trying to dive out of the way.
The ball was going towards the sideline. Yeah.
And I kicked it. And this is me telling the story, not Adam Ray.
Yeah ray yeah yeah because i've heard him tell a similar story and he's fabricating me this happened to me yeah ball's going towards the sideline tried to kick it out of bounds it sliced around the goalie he dove in slow motion yeah and i went oh fuck my friend's dad on the ride home goes you fucking idiot really fifth grade oh wow wow mean. As a child, you learn that, you know, even adults are doing their best.
But in that moment, you know, I wanted to grab the wheel and crash us into a Wendy's. Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ. Dr.
Phil. But I didn't.
I thank God, yeah. Self-discipline.
You're still here, buddy. Well, I'm clicking and ticking.
I'm feeling good. Wasn't just your birthday in september coming up last september no i guess we're further away we're further we're in the mid yeah it's like six months it'll probably happen again that's like a golden shower birthday or something what do you mean when it's your midpoint birthday yeah yeah yeah yeah is that what you think it's called i don't know i just drank some about it.
Oh, okay. I might have, you know what? Even though it's going to be my 53rd birthday.
That's right. Thank you.
I might have a party. Because back in the day, I don't know if you guys, do you ever go, Carlos? I used to have these big parties.
You know where I used to have them? Spaghetti Factory. Yep.
Did you ever go? Did Adam ever go? I believe he sent me some pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it looked like a blast. I used to rent out half a fucking Spaghetti Factory.
Whose dad owned it? We knew the kid's dad. I don't remember.
It was a comic whose dad owned the Spaghetti Factory. Get the fuck out of him.
On Hollywood Boulevard, right? Yeah, it was on Sunset. Sunset, I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a kid that his dad owned that Spaghetti Factory, a comic.
I don't remember. When we were coming up, when Adam and I were young.
Sure. Yeah, we remember.
He tells me a lot of your up and coming stories, the Robbie Picard bar shows. Oh, yeah.
Robbie Picard, yeah. Down in Orange County.
Orange County. There's a lot of shit gigs you guys do.
And I really want to say, you know, my world, it's like, yeah, you kind of get thrust into the limelight pretty quick, but you guys got to just take it or leave it. It doesn't seem like it was quick for you.

Didn't you become famous in your 50s?

Yeah, but I felt like I was famous in my 20s.

But you weren't.

What did we learn today?

Well, we learned that Scooby-Doo has a different way

of looking at life.

Yeah, yeah.

Yabba-da-ba-doo.

Yep, we learned that.

That was good.

We learned that I've got all sorts of different looks for the camera. We learned this.
We learned your dance from EDMN. EDMN.
Right, what else did we learn? Well, what we did learn is that Carlos is on a new path to happiness and redemption. Yeah, that's a big deal.
Yeah, sure, sure. Why don't we do this? Why don't we say goodbye to Dr.
Phil and we can wrap up without Dr. Phil so we can talk bad about about him on his back okay a little bit happy new year by the way happy new year this was a resolution of mine was to come on this show we really appreciate you dr phil thank you for being on the show be good to yourself that's great well all right well thanks for dr phil coming through um that was a little awkward lockwood that was a little shout out shout out matt lockwood that That was a little awkward.
Lockwood? That was a little...

Shout out.

Shout out Matt Lockwood.

Matt Lockwood.

That was a little awkward.

Dr. Phil...

He's different.

He's a little bit...

Yeah.

Well, he's...

What's the word I'm looking for?

He's a little...

Skinnier?

He's skinnier than I thought.

That is for sure.

Yeah.

But also, you can tell when it hit.

Yeah, you can tell, can't you?

No, be real.

Yeah, you can tell when the edibles kick in.

It hit, and then his eyes, you could tell, like...

Ripped.

Ripped, and then he didn't know really what he was talking about he drank piss that's insane but did he help solve anything in the studio no not at all he tried to get Carlos to keep using Fancy definitely is not in support of Carlos' sobriety, which is, honestly, I'm annoyed, but it's like, how do I really dictate how mad I am? Let's talk about the year in general. Can we talk about the year in general? Please.
We had some great moments this year, but we've had some dark times. We have to go through those to get to the light.
Yeah. Oh, one day.
Whoa! One day sober. Fucking Yoda now.
What the fuck? Andres says I'm not even one day. Hey, man.
Yeah, yeah. It works if you work it.
Yeah. But, you know, it's, you know, to, as a family, we went through a lot of tough times.
We had some good times. But, you know, at the end of the day, we're still standing and we will move forward.
We're sitting right now. Okay.
We'll be sitting and we'll sit forward. We'll sit forward.
I am leaning forward. I know you are.
And we will continue. I imagine us doing this for many good years.
One more. We're done? No.
No. Be real.
I think till 2025 for sure though. I'd say 2030 wow that's a lot well you won't yeah you won't be here you won't be here yeah you'll be directing fucking commercials or something then oh my god you know you but you know what kind it'll be like uh it'll be like industrial commercial yes 100 or you know he'll be washer dryer it'll be like combo washer dryer yeah do you want to wash and also dry at the same time? Yeah.
He'll be directing bullshit like that for sure. I think I can predict what we're going to be in the next couple of years.
I think Carlos in five years is no longer to be in LA. What? Just hear me out.
Okay. He's going to be one of those guys that's going to live amongst other people like him in an island, do beads.
Whoa. You know what I mean? A lot of smells.
I like this. Like lighting like you know what I mean? Powders and stuff.
Okay. Where's McCone going to be? McCone is going to go back to Minnesota.
Yeah. Yeah.
He'll have to. I mean that's my prediction.
You're going to be back in Minnesota but you're the big wig. You know what I mean? You're going to be a part of some sort of like a design.
You're going to do something with design. That's the name of your design firm is Big Wig.
Big Wig. Designs.
Big Wig Designs. It's going to be in Minneapolis.
You'll have an office. What about Fancy? Fancy? I like industrial commercials.
Thank you. Oh, we mean that.
Yes. Okay, good.
He's not working for us anymore then in five years. Okay.
What about Jetski? Jetski's going to be, and this is where it turned bad. Oh, no.
This one's going to hurt. This one's going to hurt.
It had to be. It's going to hurt us, not you.
What? You're going to be a huge comedian. You'll have your own talk show.
Oh, like super fat? Yeah. Like, yeah.
Yeah. No, she will gain weight.
A lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I And her new name is gonna be roly-poly And the introduction of the song roly-poly That's gonna roll down this hill right like you know like you know like a pill bug. Yes, and you'll come out like that, right? Right everyone in the audience arena is wearing roly-poly shirts.
Roly-poly butt glasses. And then you will delete us from your phone.
You'll delete us from your phone. You will delete us from your phone.
You will go, oh, like when we come up. Let's say something to me about us.
I'm Jesse in the future. Oh.
Jess, it's been so long.

How's it been?

Roly poly.

No, we know you're roly poly.

Do you love it though?

It's so cool.

It's through the scales up in the fucking heavens.

So you lost your ability to talk?

What do you mean?

You got so famous you couldn't formulate phrases?

Hey guys, when I go down that hill, dude, that's for real.

And I do it every show.

So how come you haven't gotten in contact with us again? We've been calling you to come back on the Bad Friends show. Excuse me? You're not an interviewer from news? It's me.
It's Andrew. Oh.
Hey, hey, Rolly. It's Bobby.
Oh, you're the sound guy, right? Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I've been doing it part time, but I was wondering if you- What's the tagline? Whoa, you know what you're going to be doing in five years? Sound.
Oh, shit. I'm the sound guy now.
Yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner.
Like old times? We get a tomahawk steak. Roly poly is fine.
Roly poly is fine. It's a therapy thing.
No, like she just goes into herself. Oh, that's so sad.
It's so sad. All right, what happens to me in five years? You're not my driver.
Wait, excuse me. People have drivers? I just got an Uber X.
No, I'm not. You're an Uber X? No, I'm Lyft.
Oh, you're Lyft?

Yeah.

Okay, well, we gotta get to the airport.

I have to drive you?

Yes.

Where are you headed?

Well, my private plane.

You think you're... Wait.

A sound guy has a private plane?

No, you're the sound guy.

I'm Jesse still.

You're you.

Oh, right now?

Right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I got to say this.
Yeah. You are going to be working sound on Roly Poly live shows.
Yeah. And I'm going to be the driver.
I'm going to be the local driver. Oh, my God.
I know. This is where we are in five years.
I know. The team is dismantled.
Carlos has fallen in love. He's moved to Texas.
Yeah. He's opened up a business of bead making.
You're McCone by the way couldn't get to Minneapolis He got to Duluth instead Couldn't get all the way back to Minneapolis And the only thing you got wrong Because all this is right Because you know I've seen the future Is the fancy part Did not get to direct one commercial Not one Close though Not one. I know.
Close, though. Pretty close.
Pretty close. They were considering- He met with the ad agency.
And they liked him. He was in the- They didn't understand him.
He was in the mix. They didn't understand him.
They didn't understand him. What's your vision? My vision is to- Okay, we can't- You're out.
You're out. Get to someone with more clear, concise English.
Yeah, so that's it in five, but the next year, we'll be still here, next year will be a great big year for Bad Friends, we are finally going to announce our Down Under tour dates we have 10 cities we're playing we really appreciate it, I mean this, we got the numbers and the tickets that we sold this year the cities that we played it was monumental, it was like one of the best years of my entire life. How many tickets did we sell this year? Around 100,000.

100,000 people came to go see us.

Yeah, it's insane.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for being a bad friend. We are bad friend.
Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.