Yabba Dabba Dr. Phil

Speaker 1 Happy New Year! Thanksgiving! No, dude, it's just the new year. All right, and welcome to the we've got tour dates.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the We've Got Tour dates.

Speaker 1 Welcome to it.

Speaker 2 We're going to be in Atlantic City.

Speaker 1 New Jersey, Salt Lake City, Utah.

Speaker 2 Temecula, California.

Speaker 1 Reno, Nevada. Sacramento.
Long Beach, California. Windsor.
Ontario, Canada. Niagara Falls, Canada.
Tucson, Arizona.

Speaker 2 And we finished the tour 420 in.

Speaker 1 Las Vegas. I can't wait for that.
Vivo. Las Vegas.
Las Vegas.

Speaker 2 Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets. Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 1 You two two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.

Speaker 2 It's 2024.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year to all the bad friends.

Speaker 2 What a year we've had.

Speaker 1 What a year we've had. What happens?

Speaker 1 Take that out of your mouth.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 What did we learn over the weekend? We learned that Bobby and I are both year of the pig. We want to talk about our birth birth years,

Speaker 1 he's a golden pig. A gold pig.

Speaker 2 Golden pig. And I'm a water pig.

Speaker 1 I'm a little water.

Speaker 1 You're a water pig.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know what a pig, what does a pig sound like in water?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 3 Hypopotamus.

Speaker 2 Hypopotamus.

Speaker 1 Hypopotamos. That's actually very smart.
Rosie O'Donnell's a water pig, too. Okay.
Her birth year. Oh, okay.
Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, she's a little water pig.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Rest in peace. She's not dead.
Oh, I know. Is she? No, but I saw her the other night.

Speaker 2 She was cool. We're going to kill her.
You know, on the show.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry. No, no, no.
I want her to live. You guys, Happy New Year.
Congratulations to everyone for surviving her other year. And let me say something right now, man.

Speaker 1 What a beautiful 2024 we got ahead of us.

Speaker 2 We got some stuff lined up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What are your resolutions?

Speaker 2 My resolutions are

Speaker 2 to get off of cholesterol medication. I want to get in good enough heart health shape so I don't have to take cholesterol medication.

Speaker 2 That would include not doing this podcast anymore.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year, guys.

Speaker 1 What? I have no idea.

Speaker 1 Sorry? Excuse me? Can I help you? Yeah. Oh, this isn't the intervention for

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 fuck. The fuck that guy apart? I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 My agent told me that I was doing a podcast today, and she said, improvise as much as possible. Yeah.
So I wanted to come in hot, you know, no pun intended. Brought a nice coffee.
You sure did.

Speaker 1 But I also brought a minor. Were you Jeremiah's the beginning?

Speaker 1 What's that? You came in too hot.

Speaker 2 Came in too hot.

Speaker 1 Oh, is he known for doing that? Yes. Well, way too hot.
Is that what he's known for? Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, do you want to put on your headphones that way you can hear?

Speaker 1 Always. I want to hear and feel everything you guys are doing because I've been watching from afar and it's nice to see it up close.

Speaker 2 You never use headphones there before, Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil? Dr. Phil.
Can somebody help Dr. Phil, please?

Speaker 1 I do think it's important for us to celebrate what we've created.

Speaker 1 Oh. Bobby, you can go first.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 2024 is around the corner. What did 2023 bring to you? And then I'll get to you, Andrew.
Oh, okay. Oh, well, I just, you know,

Speaker 1 my enemy, I said no to my enemy, and I put him on Ina's Tracks. And that enemy is called ice cream.

Speaker 2 You're not going to stop eating.

Speaker 1 My enemy is called ice cream. I thought you were going to say like Jackie Chen.
No, not Jackie Chen, no, man. He's a good guy.
I'm a good guy.

Speaker 1 For sure, but I still would love to see you fight to the death. Yeah, yeah.
Jackie and Jackie? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Over a bowl of mint chocolate chip.

Speaker 1 Well, that's cool. Congrats.

Speaker 2 Are you really trying to quit ice cream for real? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You are. Yeah, because you know, all my.
You know what I'm going to do now?

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. I'm sending gallons of McConnell's ice cream to your front door for the next month straight.
Protempt me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's going to be out there, baby.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's just going to melt out there.

Speaker 1 A sticky river.

Speaker 2 A little sticky river. He's going to want to slide down in that steep driveway.
And at the bottom of that, I'm going to put up one of those little kiddie pools.

Speaker 2 It's just going to slowly fill up with melted ice cream. So every time you back out of your car, how are you going to resist

Speaker 1 it? What flavor? If you get the flavor right, then maybe it's going to be bad.

Speaker 2 Buddy, I'm going to do all of them. You're not going to get one flavor.
It's going to be like suicide from a fountain drink.

Speaker 1 But let me say something. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've questioned our friendship.

Speaker 1 And I don't think that you know me a lot. I don't think you know me.
So I'm going to ask you, what kind of ice cream would I be tempted to eat? Good question. Thank you so much, Doctor.

Speaker 1 And if you get that right, dude, we're besties. If you get it wrong, we have a long way to go, my friend.
Well, no, there should be a real bet here.

Speaker 1 If he gets it wrong, something has to happen to him. Like what? I don't know.
Maybe he gets punched in the taint. Dr.
Phil,

Speaker 1 you're aggressive.

Speaker 2 You solve shit on your show?

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, but I'm not on my show anymore.

Speaker 2 Right. You're on my show.
Correct.

Speaker 1 So shut the fuck up. Whoa.
How does that feel, Dr. Phil?

Speaker 1 Can I be honest? It feels good.

Speaker 1 He likes to be talked to. I do.
Hey.

Speaker 1 I make my wife wear a mask of me just to know what it's like to go fuck myself.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow, Doctor.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, wow. So you were saying about your favorite creamery.

Speaker 2 You can tell what your favorite kind of ice cream is.

Speaker 1 Do you know what it is? Yeah. Oh, give me.
Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 I bet I know.

Speaker 1 What is it? Well, here's the hard part. That's why.

Speaker 2 Because you're not, no, I do know you well, but you're not shy when it comes to indulgence. It's not like one is your ultimate.

Speaker 1 I know if you can, you eat a lot. I have five that I like.
If you can name one of the five.

Speaker 2 Well, Rocky Road for sure as well.

Speaker 1 That's not my number one. I know that's it.
I know. Well, then, why did you even?

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to say sugar-free Red Bull.

Speaker 1 They don't make it. They don't make them ice cream.
I don't know about that attitude. Oh, you're right.

Speaker 1 We want that to happen. That's actually true.
Yeah, yeah, we want it to happen. You're manifesting it.
He is. Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 When you moved out your house, how come you had machine guns on the fucking wall? Don't you see that? Yeah. Yeah, I I mean, you know.

Speaker 1 Do you see that?

Speaker 1 Was that his house?

Speaker 2 Yeah, look at Dr. Phil's house online.
What's the deal, dude?

Speaker 1 When you moved out, what was this about?

Speaker 2 You just load up AK?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What is that all about, guys? Well, to be fair, I've never seen this picture before.

Speaker 1 But I will tell you this much. I have so many rooms in my house.
I've got an arcade.

Speaker 1 I've got a room that's just filled with bidets. So you have one of those, you have one of those shitty days, literally.
Right.

Speaker 1 And you just want to pop around to each fucking hose and let them just, you know, run into town. But the gun room came into play when I saw the new Grand Theft Auto came out.

Speaker 1 And then I had also seen a Mission Impossible movie and had a couple run-ins at the local Ride Aid where I was like, I wish I was packing. So

Speaker 1 built a room, hung up some memorabilia.

Speaker 2 Can you zoom in on that? I mean,

Speaker 1 that's an astonishing.

Speaker 2 It's also in your dining room.

Speaker 1 Look at the toys, too. Yeah.
To the left, the last one. That's my favorite part: all the added ones.

Speaker 2 Are you a big Murakami fan?

Speaker 1 Oh, Mirakami, Miragumi. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Teramasu? Teramasu. No, the

Speaker 1 Origami. So you've got on the wall.
On the wall, from what we can see, there's

Speaker 2 about five or six assault rifles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, imagine being an Uber Eats driver and getting my order wrong and still having the nerve to show up. Imagine me walking into that room and going, maybe next time you don't forget the max salad.

Speaker 2 You honestly would invite an Uber Eats guy into your house?

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm trying to play cool and tweet.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't know you were that kind of guy. I'm realizing how humble and cool you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I try to relate. You get to a certain level, and you guys are

Speaker 1 in it right now, you know, where the tide is changing. You're jumping out into the ocean with not just a surfboard, but a game plan.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I have no idea what he's talking about. Jesse, you know, you tell me.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's saying you're guys as famous as Dr. Phil level fame.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, wow. Well, Tyler, what's this relationship about? How do you know Dr.
Phil?

Speaker 4 I just watch a lot.

Speaker 1 On Facebook. Yeah.
Well, I follow you on Facebook. You do? You do.
I follow about 16 people on Facebook. Dave Coolier.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jess.

Speaker 1 Shit. Tony Robbins is

Speaker 1 agent.

Speaker 1 Let me guess.

Speaker 1 Teapox Chopra. Teep Chopra.
Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 Gary Vee.

Speaker 1 Gary Vee. Gary Vee.
Cannon.

Speaker 1 The situation. The situation.
Yeah. Yep.
It got to be the situation.

Speaker 1 Papa John, just because I love a good racist rant from time to time. All right, right.
I know, I know. Mike Lindell.
Boom. What a funny guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He is hilarious. Hilarious.
Yeah. Good, yeah.
Is that all the people? There's three or four more in there. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What about Marlo Cyrus, the other Miley Cyrus' unknown sister? Yep.

Speaker 1 And then there's a guy that looks like Billy Eilish that works at Trader Joe's.

Speaker 2 Oh, William Eilish. Yep.

Speaker 1 I know him. And then

Speaker 1 Billy, Billy Billy, as we call him.

Speaker 2 Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day?

Speaker 1 Yep. I follow him.
Billy Joel. Yep.
And then Billy Joel. Billy Joel, the actual Billy Joel.
No, there's an actor who plays. Billy Joel.
Yep. He's a stunt guy, I guess.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 Sometimes Billy Joel falls off stage from playing piano. So there's a guy that comes out, and then Obama's fan page off all the way.
Oh, good.

Speaker 1 So because if you didn't say that, because they were all pretty much white, they were all white. Except for Indian, Deepak.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he's white. Oh, he's pretty white.
Very tan. Very tan.
Very tan. That's a Scooby-Doo situation.

Speaker 1 Really? Oh, you'll pull back. Did you read his books? Scooby-Doo? No, Deepak Shofra.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Scooby-Doo has a couple. What was this? What's it? Rabba-Dabba? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Wrong dog. Wrong dog? Or was it the wrong dog? Wrong dog.

Speaker 1 Wait. What was I even doing? I didn't know what the.
I started doing Scooby-Doo, but then I forgot what. You did Fred Flintstone.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fred Flintstone. I forgot what he says.
So I was going to go, Robadaba-doo.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. There's not enough space in my heart.
That is so bad. That's my bit to do.
What? Roba Daba Doo? That's my bit. Oh, I stole your bit.
Don't Rabba Daba Doo, dude.

Speaker 2 That's me.

Speaker 1 Easy. I better know about it.
Sorry about that. You know what you sound like? Well, that's not Scooby-Doo.
That's like Scooby-Doo's

Speaker 1 nemesis, Raw Dog.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 2 A less popular cartoon for somebody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Raw Dog. Can you imagine a true animated series called Raw Dog? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's like a crime fighting, crime-solving dog.

Speaker 2 And his arch nemesis is a condom.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Just a big, like

Speaker 1 Dr. Condom.
Just a true. Dr.
Condom. Dr.
Condom Koopa for Mario Brothers. Dr.
Condom. Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to cover you up. No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And Raw Dog's like,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to fuck shit up in this city. Well, wait, Raw Dog's not a dog.
Oh, he is, but he talks. Oh, I didn't know.
Okay, clearly. Yeah, okay.
You just talked yourself out of an EP credit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm sorry. We were producing this thing.
My bad. I am.
Hey, you always got to be thinking of show.

Speaker 1 Oh, I just found it. Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Okay. Classic coming.

Speaker 1 Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 Scarier than that needed to be. Do you know what that was, Dr.
Phil? Oh, ghost. Genuinely? Yeah.
We have a ghost. Yeah.
So I don't know if I can handle that.

Speaker 2 There was a young, small gentleman who used to be on the show, and he passed away live in the studio.

Speaker 2 He used to drink wine often down here.

Speaker 2 And he passed away in the studio. And that was a little ghost of him trying to rest his little head on one of those.

Speaker 1 And it popped it. How big is his fucking head?

Speaker 2 It's pretty tiny. Okay.
So, if you want to say anything to the afterlife, he's in the room right now.

Speaker 1 Well, I've read a bunch of things on how to get rid of ghosts. And

Speaker 1 they actually say you're supposed to ask the ghost if they know they're dead or not, which to me feels counterproductive.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, you guys are fucking dead. You know that? And then they're like, yeah, but they can't talk back because they are dead.
Do you get what I'm getting at? No, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 I honestly don't. Okay, well,

Speaker 1 let me just.

Speaker 1 Hey, little boy, your balloon

Speaker 1 charade scared the fuck out of me.

Speaker 1 But I get it.

Speaker 1 And I get what you're doing and I get why you're doing it. But

Speaker 1 I want to know if you could come back here and

Speaker 1 be back on the show, Bad Friends, what would you do? What would you add?

Speaker 1 My email is at Phil, FillIt Up, at AOL.com. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, Phil, fill it up?

Speaker 1 Did I stutter? You said at Phil. Oh, at Phil, Fill It Up.
Fill it up.

Speaker 2 Are you talking to like a gas station attendant?

Speaker 1 It's hey, Phil, fill it up.

Speaker 1 Phil, fill it up.

Speaker 1 I got it. F-I-L-L for fill it up or P-H-I? P-H-I.
Okay. Okay, so hold on one second.
One of my first jobs was a.

Speaker 2 Let's be quiet and let's see if he'll answer your question.

Speaker 1 I love that. Ready?

Speaker 2 Be quiet. Go ahead

Speaker 1 why'd you look at me i thought yeah i had to do something no i thought i thought i thought it was like your look it was that callback loop no it was it was it was perfect yes okay

Speaker 2 fancy would just add in doc's voice being like yeah tino oh in the background yeah yeah yeah that's good the rabbit dab is even better

Speaker 1 i'd love to be uh just a fly on the wall inside your brain as that phrase was getting constructed yeah As you go, I'm saying Abba Dabbadoo again or whatever the fuck you said.

Speaker 2 Jesse, what are your New Year's resolutions?

Speaker 4 Honestly, or funny.

Speaker 1 No, honestly.

Speaker 4 I stopped smoking cigarettes.

Speaker 2 Okay, and then funny.

Speaker 4 Probably. Smoke more cigarettes?

Speaker 1 Smoke heroin.

Speaker 4 I've never done it, but I'm a trumpet player, and I think it would elevate me to the next level.

Speaker 1 Now, is a trumpet known for being like conducive for drug abuse? Hell yeah.

Speaker 4 You ever hear of Miles Davis?

Speaker 1 Come on, dude. Come on.
What did he do? Bertha Cool. Yeah, but what was he sucking on?

Speaker 1 Sipping on.

Speaker 1 He was probably sucking, too.

Speaker 4 He was on heroin.

Speaker 4 He did hookers. Yeah.
This might be a good segue.

Speaker 1 Into the

Speaker 1 movie. That's right.
I'm a hooker movie. It's Pretty Woman Meets Shadow Knights.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I like to talk about my real addictions. No.

Speaker 2 Well, can we get, hold on. Do you really think, this is a very interesting question.
Do you think that the influence of drugs elevated

Speaker 2 artists more than they would have ever been without it? The reason I asked this is because I saw a video an hour ago of Bradley Knowles' son performing, and he sounds exactly like him.

Speaker 2 And I literally was eating thinking, I wonder if this kid,

Speaker 2 sober, is as talented as his dad was.

Speaker 1 I don't know Bradley Knowles.

Speaker 1 Sublime. Sublime.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, let me ask you this. And could he imitate his dad if his dad never did the drugs?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. So it is the drugs, isn't it?

Speaker 1 It is the drugs.

Speaker 2 That's my point. As I kept eating, being like, it's got to be the drugs.

Speaker 4 Yeah. We should do some drugs right now.

Speaker 2 I am down. I told you that I'm down, dude.
Jacob Noel, is that his name? Yeah. There was a video that was viral on the internet of him singing at a bar somewhere.

Speaker 2 And it sounded exactly like, dude, it was like shocking how close it was.

Speaker 1 Well, weren't the Beatles all on Crystal Myth? No. No, you're thinking of someone.
Yeah, I'm thinking of someone. You're thinking of Twisted Sister.
There it is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, a great band. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What was the Twisted Sister song? He had one good song, right?

Speaker 2 He sung Twisted Sisters.

Speaker 1 What's the big hit? Twisted Sisters. All you need is love? No.
No, that's the Beatles. What the fuck are you? No, no.

Speaker 2 It was

Speaker 2 Hold My Hand.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 What was it? It was a safety dance. No.

Speaker 1 What was the Twisted Sister main song?

Speaker 1 Their number one.

Speaker 2 Girls Rock the Boys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Girl.
Come on, Philip. Feel the noise.
Girls. Girls rock the boys.

Speaker 1 We'll get

Speaker 1 you do it like my mom.

Speaker 2 Where you guess, you know it phonetically, but you're guessing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know the lyrics. Fuck us,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 2 You are like what an Asian kid does when a band comes to their.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what? I love is like Afghanistan. I saw this one Afghanistan guy or some guy that, you know, a Middle Eastern guy.
Sure.

Speaker 1 No, and he was like singing a song, an American song, but he was just making up the lyrics, but he sounded. Oh, I saw that guy on the internet.
Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. I like when that happens.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because phonetically,

Speaker 1 phonetically.

Speaker 2 I don't know who said that. Maybe I think I remember watching an interview with

Speaker 2 what's a kid's name, Brandon from Incubus. He said it was wild we would go to like Japan and they would phonetically know word for word.

Speaker 1 But they don't song with gibberish English.

Speaker 2 Okay, well what's you have to have a root song and then do that.

Speaker 1 No, I just make up a song too on top. Okay, great, do it.
Hey, Kenneth, Silent Town.

Speaker 1 I don't care. And all around

Speaker 1 you to care about ceiling down. Rolling round and gone down in the battle style.
You sound like a deaf person.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's like a deaf girl imitating a song.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 there's no way that singer can hear.

Speaker 1 Well, I tried. I fucked it up.
Turn it up in my headphones. That's what that's.
You try one. You try one.
That's hard.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 No English, but it's got to sound like English.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2 Escape musket.

Speaker 1 Got to stay a hoof as how.

Speaker 1 Get hip. Get hip.
Get out of.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was so pretty. Also deaf sounding good.

Speaker 1 I know. They all sound deaf.
I would love to hear a Hootie in the Blowfish cover of that. Okay.
A lot of Hootie in the Blowfish songs kind of sounded like that.

Speaker 1 It almost sounds

Speaker 1 Hootie sounds like

Speaker 2 Hootie and

Speaker 1 Redbot Chili Bubbas.

Speaker 2 Stone Temple Pilots could be kind of

Speaker 1 spin doctors.

Speaker 2 Right in the same.

Speaker 1 Everyone heard it. Hammer.

Speaker 2 All right, Jess, let's hear you do a song that has no English on it.

Speaker 1 No rhythm that we've heard before.

Speaker 1 No rhythm you've heard before.

Speaker 2 We just did two songs that you've never heard before.

Speaker 1 You didn't hear those.

Speaker 1 But I'd like to.

Speaker 4 Wanna say, yeah, we're trying to be beloved Design.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that. Yeah, very pearl jammy.
That was very,

Speaker 1 very Pearl Jammy. All right, D-Phil, you're up.

Speaker 1 Me.

Speaker 1 Any me, merchanty, bitty.

Speaker 1 And I won't kick him. wheel.

Speaker 1 Chicken wheel.

Speaker 1 Fun, fun, fun. Chicken wheels are fun.
French

Speaker 4 Michael McDonald.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I love me some Michael.

Speaker 1 Taking it to the street.

Speaker 2 Taking it to the streets.

Speaker 1 That guy, what was he taking, by the way? I have no idea. Probably some hookers.

Speaker 2 That was

Speaker 2 one of my test auditions for SNL was on the original tape. I didn't do it live, was Michael McDonald ordering at McDonald's.

Speaker 1 Very funny. Do the bet.
Can we hear it? I'll have a number one without cheese, please.

Speaker 1 Didn't end up doing it live.

Speaker 2 But I put it on the original tape because I thought it was ridiculously stupid. Michael McDonald ordering McDonald's.

Speaker 1 Hold the pickles, please. Hold the pickles, please.
Hold the pickles, please. That's a great bit.
Yeah, well, it did not.

Speaker 2 They were like, don't do that live.

Speaker 1 Now, did you purposely want to sing? Because there's always a singer on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I just thought it was a really, I was high, and I thought of it, and I thought.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you what a character I did for my Mad TV audition? Please. I didn't know how to do impressions.
Still don't.

Speaker 1 I know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We saw your Scooby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do your Scooby-Doo again. Scooby-Doo, me, Scoob.
What? What? That's Def Scooby-Doo. That's Def Scooby.

Speaker 1 That's Def Scooby. Hearing impaired Scooby-Doo.
Bag-goo, bag-goo. Okay.

Speaker 1 Still deaf.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Joined. Scooby.

Speaker 1 Wait, is that Def Shaggy? Yeah, Def Shaggy. Yeah, Def Shaggy.
Pretty good. Great rep.

Speaker 1 So they go, we need three impressions from you. And I was like, I don't know how to do it in my mind, right? Yep.
So I thought, number one, this is how clever I am, right?

Speaker 1 I go, I want to do impressions of people that they don't know what they sound like. They're famous.

Speaker 2 Smart.

Speaker 1 So I just saw this interview with Chow Young Fat. It was on E.

Speaker 1 And every, and I explained this to the producers when I auditioned. I go, every three lines, he would change his position.

Speaker 1 So they go, you know, how they over-pronounce it in Chinese. Hello, my name is Chao Yang Fat.
You know what I mean? And I would start like this, right? And every three lines, I would change.

Speaker 1 But by the end of the auditions i was on my head in the corner of the room backwards oh my god i did the interview like that and it crushed but i i so i just decided to just you know figure out what this sketch was right yeah and let that be the thing that's going to be funny rather than the impression smart thank you

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Too many. That I don't even, I'm not even aware of, right? From games to

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Speaker 2 All that money you were wasting. And here's the deal.
Finally, through Rocket Money, is able to save a pretty fair amount of money. Their average they save is $720 a year.

Speaker 2 That's remarkable how many people are wasting money on stuff that they'll never need or never use. And I've signed up for many, many apps that thankfully Rocket Money said, are you still using this?

Speaker 2 And I was like, I don't even know what that is. It was like a sneak, it was like a sneaker club that I no idea was using.

Speaker 1 Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills.

Speaker 2 Rocket Money has over 5 billion users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million and canceled subscriptions. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 That's rocketmoney.com slash bad friends. Rocketmoney.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 Then you did Connie Chung. I did audition with they made me.

Speaker 2 Did you ever meet her in real life, Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil? Oh, I've met Connie Chung and Michael Chang, the tennis player.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Every sort of Chung-Chang combination I've met. Maybe all the Chinese people you've met.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 Boy, what are we, 20 minutes in? I thought you were going to ask me that from the get-go.

Speaker 1 Michael Chang, Check. Jackie Chan, Check.
Yeah. Jet Lee.
Check.

Speaker 1 Who was the other one?

Speaker 1 Connie Chung? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Connie had a whole family with her.
Right, right. So I met all them.
Mildred Chung. Mildred Chung.
Mildred Chung.

Speaker 1 One of the most underestimated of the Chung family.

Speaker 1 Boy. Ariana.
Yep. Ariana Chung.
Ariana Grande. No, Chung.

Speaker 2 Her last name is Chung.

Speaker 1 Oh, this? Oh, I didn't know. Yep.

Speaker 1 You don't spend a lot of time online, do you?

Speaker 1 There's also... Fuck, help me out, Andrew.

Speaker 2 I won't do it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah,

Speaker 1 fair enough. And then that, well, oh, no, and the guy from

Speaker 1 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Secret of the Us. Splinter.
He played Keno. Splinter Lee.

Speaker 1 Remember the guy? Well, Splinter Lee, yeah. But then Kino.
Remember the pizza delivery guy? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Kino. Yeah, Keno.
I think he was in Three Ninjas. He was in Three Ninjas.
How about the guy that, how about that?

Speaker 1 Ruffio. Rufio.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 James Cash and Lee from Heroes.

Speaker 1 What about quite a few?

Speaker 2 What about the guy in Liu Kang in the action series Mortal Kombat?

Speaker 1 Yep. Liu Kang, you met him?

Speaker 1 That might be the one that I've yet to get a face-to-face with. Chung Li, you know Cheng Lee? From Street Fighter.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And I've fucked a couple of Cheng Lee's in my day.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Really? Well, this is college, pre-college.
And where'd you go to school? Tulane.

Speaker 2 You went to Tulane University?

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, what did you study there?

Speaker 1 Biochemistry. Really? Minor.

Speaker 1 I wanted to go to your Wikipedia page to find out how how much you know about it. Well, it's not up to date.
But

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 Well, let's click. Let's hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Let's get this. And by biochemist, I meant like, you know, radio and television.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Communications. There you are, dude.
What a nice photo.

Speaker 2 So zoom in, please, on college career.

Speaker 1 Go to college. Born in Oklahoma, I think it was Missouri State I tried to get into, but

Speaker 1 the program there, the Mississippi State, Midwestern, is where I ended up going.

Speaker 2 You went to Shawnee Mission North High in Overland Park, Kansas, then you played linebacker high school. That's correct.
You went to University of Tulsa. You were in a football scholarship.

Speaker 2 You failed to mention that.

Speaker 1 Tulsa, Tulane, you know, tomato, tomato, rare railway. No, way off, not even close.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Then I said you transferred to Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls.

Speaker 1 Texas. That I remember.
You do. Look, when you do so much cool shit.
Yeah. Right.
You just forget. What did Jay-Z say? Like, you know, I got two for my pimps and six for my hoes or something.

Speaker 1 No, I said never to know. Well, Andrew, you get it.
I mean, like,

Speaker 1 you probably don't even think about when you were on the office because you've done so much cool shit since. No, I think about it.

Speaker 2 I fucked fucked that up pretty bad.

Speaker 1 Well, that was one of my favorite episodes. Really, Dr.
Phil? Well, just because I've always wanted to get on a boat and travel the world, and I've never done it.

Speaker 1 And that episode, if we can cut to it, was there was, we can't, I'll explain it. There was you on a boat, and Ed Helms was taking off for Florida, I believe.

Speaker 1 And you were giving him the boat, and you had a sweater, a boat sweater. That's right.
And I just got real jealous because I've always wanted to hop on a boat. Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, you can afford to be on a boat.

Speaker 1 I think you're very well off. Yeah, but not the type that like that Ed Helms was in the office, like a little fisherman's boat.
Oh. I can't afford that.
Well, look at this.

Speaker 2 The internet says your net worth is $460 million.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 It's a bit low. Yeah.
If I buy you a boat, is that weird?

Speaker 4 Literally a boatload of money.

Speaker 1 Let's go. We'll end some laughter.

Speaker 1 Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, you've accumulated an absurd amount of money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 What are you doing for your community?

Speaker 1 I was told there'd be no charitable

Speaker 1 inquiries, but I'll tell you, there's an orphanage called Loving Hands that I just donated

Speaker 1 some funds to. Really?

Speaker 2 Is that the Catholic priesthood? What is that?

Speaker 1 No, it's kids that are tossed to the side or babies that are born, but

Speaker 1 the parents are like,

Speaker 1 we got to go to Denny's. We can't be a dad.
So they drop the kid off and then Loving Hands picks him up.

Speaker 2 Okay, I actually want to approach something real fast with this guy. There's some controversy that we want to go over right now, if you don't mind, Dr.
Phil. Sure.

Speaker 2 In February of last year, a dozen current and former employees of your show alleged that they had experienced verbal abuse in a workplace that fosters fear, intimidation, and racism.

Speaker 2 Seven employees currently still claim that the show guests often manipulated and were treated unethically. Attorneys for you, Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, and your co-producer, Carla Pinketton, they categorically denied every allegation. However,

Speaker 2 I feel like you've had some hush money paid out.

Speaker 1 Well, I prepared a statement. Thank you.

Speaker 1 In response to the recent allegations, I'd just like to say,

Speaker 1 and you sound like a bunch of pussy-ass losers. Wow.
Wow. You wrote that down?

Speaker 1 But typed it. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I also ask you in 2016, you and your wife filed a $250 million defamation laws?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And what ended up happening with that?

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, you've been to court? No.

Speaker 1 You ever seen Amir K's traffic court bit? Yeah, such a good bit. One of my favorite bits about traffic.

Speaker 1 I think that

Speaker 1 that day was just... Amir K?

Speaker 1 No, I said Circle K, the gas station. What are you doing? Your deaf comic bit again? Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Dude, this guy's ripping you.

Speaker 1 You need to take a timeout?

Speaker 1 I apologize. Hey, can I be honest?

Speaker 1 I drank a four loco in the car.

Speaker 1 That really pissed me out. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you know what I feel like? I feel like

Speaker 1 trying to come hard in the paint at a diner, and you're just not having it. Yeah.
Because you're buying something. We're going to blank that name out, by the way.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You can't be just a moment.
Okay, let's move on.

Speaker 1 So, court, Amir K, the court bit. I love the court bit, but what I hate about court is that you're there for something important.
And I didn't want to be. So, Andrew, that.

Speaker 1 Sorry, dude. That lawsuit was a real pain in my toot.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you know what? I don't want to bring that up anymore. It's fine.
I apologize, but I will say,

Speaker 2 you made Bad Baby famous, right? That's like on.

Speaker 1 Not on purpose either. But it was inevitable.
Certain people have star quality. Jetsky? Yeah, let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 To my right, there's a star shining, and you can see it, and you understand it, and you want it to shine. Bad Baby, no one had any intention of seeing her fly

Speaker 1 up into the sky. And I apologize for rhyming so quickly, but I just...
I think that what she's doing is impressive. And

Speaker 1 I stand by the choices she made.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she came on my show, and I'll be honest with you, Andrew and Bobby, when she first opened her mouth, all I could think in my head was, shut your fucking dumb mouth, you stinky twat.

Speaker 1 Whoa, but then that's a little aggressive, Dr. Phillips.
Oh, but then she spoke, and I go, I get it.

Speaker 2 You knew right away. I could tell.

Speaker 1 You could tell because the attitude was real and the character was relatable, kind of like Theo Vaughn.

Speaker 1 We'll blink, we'll blur that name. No, no, we don't have to blur that one.

Speaker 1 We'll just, how about we blank off the Theo and see if people can guess what Vaughn we're talking about? I bet they will. Can we switch a little bit? I want to ask about your show real quick.

Speaker 1 Please, may I? Yeah, please. You guys were guessing and phenomenal.
Appreciate you.

Speaker 1 Okay, anyway.

Speaker 1 A lot of times I see on your show you have people with phobias.

Speaker 1 What's the craziest phobia you saw on your show? Very good. Well, arachnophobia is a big one.
It's fear of spiders. Spiders.

Speaker 1 That's not really a big one. Yeah, yeah.
I've seen like cucumbers. People are afraid of cucumbers.
Well, let me finish. In the Jewish community.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Careful, Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 When you say spiders,

Speaker 1 when you say spiders, do you mean hamas?

Speaker 1 Is that what you're talking about? Well, now that we're here, yeah. Oh, wow.
So, so let me just back that up and put it in reverse. You could keep that in because I'm not saying it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, go ahead. Oh, yeah.
No, we're keeping it in. My lawyers already drafted up a whole thing about this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The biggest phobia I saw was the fear of public speaking. Okay.
I get that, but the biggest fear

Speaker 1 was fear of sexual intimacy. Okay.

Speaker 1 Still not weird, but. Well, I've seen other shows.
You'd seen people. Okay.
Okay. Let me finish.
With hermaphrodites. Uh-oh.
So hermaphrodite intimacy, who's playing Coachella, I think. Next year.

Speaker 1 No, no, second night. This year, second night.
Second night. Doing the hologram thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Tupac.

Speaker 1 Fear of just sexual touching.

Speaker 1 And then fear of

Speaker 1 gas stations. You ever seen Strange Addiction on A ⁇ E? Yeah.
Where like a girl will be like, I can't start my day on this. I eat a bar of soap.

Speaker 1 And you're like, well, I feel bad for you, but also gross. Gross.
Yeah. yeah yeah so we just try to deal with it as it comes but phobias are uh everyone's got a phobia of something

Speaker 2 what's your phobia phil

Speaker 1 well

Speaker 1 ghosts who pop balloons unexpected big fear

Speaker 2 um i heard you say black people

Speaker 1 yeah but that was a joke

Speaker 2 okay okay yeah i mean you know yeah what's your real fear dr phil i want to break you down what is genuinely the thing that that that shakes you what really gets under your skin you're playing a pickup game at 24-hour fitness.

Speaker 1 Basketball, yeah. Oh, yeah.
And someone's talking a little bit too much shit and they can't back it up. So you dig deep, right? You stretch a little bit extra and you throw a couple bows.

Speaker 1 You drop a little Charles Oakley on them.

Speaker 1 But sometimes that doesn't go your way and they ban you from that 24-hour fitness. That's your fear.
Well, I'm getting to it. Please.
My fear is not being able to control my anger. Oh,

Speaker 2 against certain kinds of people.

Speaker 1 That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Well, it did sound like it.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, look, most of the pickup games are featuring less than white characters. Yeah.
Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, you can just say I'm racist. Say that.

Speaker 1 I won't say it.

Speaker 1 Okay. I won't say it because Oprah will be mad.
Oh, I've been with everybody, and I think once you experience everybody, you get to know truly that this country is made up of a cool species of people.

Speaker 4 I'm listening actively.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you.

Speaker 1 Let me see if you were the real Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 There was a comedian that taught you how to play tennis. Yeah.
Who was that comedian's name? Taught him? Is that true? Oh, Kirk Fox. Yeah.
Want to see my Kirk Fox impression? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's really good. You do know him.

Speaker 2 Very good. There you go.
You do know him.

Speaker 1 We're all just doing it.

Speaker 1 E.O.R.

Speaker 1 took it again.

Speaker 1 Very good. What Mitchie wanted.
So, you know, but I don't do impressions actively. Seems like you do.

Speaker 1 But I taught Kirk tennis. He's got a good forehand.
Backhand could use some work. You taught him tennis.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought he taught you, you know, he was like a professional.

Speaker 1 Kirk's going around telling everybody that he taught me. Let's okay.

Speaker 1 And I don't want to say I write a lot of his material because I don't, but I have influenced some punchlines. Wow.
You guys know what it's like when you're hanging out, busting balls.

Speaker 1 Someone says something funny and they go, you're going to use that?

Speaker 2 You do that with him?

Speaker 1 I don't have to, but I do it.

Speaker 2 What's Dr. Phil's favorite meal? Swimming

Speaker 1 after breakfast. Because it challenges my body to step up.

Speaker 1 Right. You don't have breakfast.

Speaker 2 You don't have a great body, Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil. It's not where I want it to be, but 2024 is coming up, and I'm looking to, I don't know, get a stair-stepper or a trainer or Zempic.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're going to get on the Oz?

Speaker 1 Is that what the kids are calling it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you should know that for your show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd suck on Dorothy's titties. Because your friend, your friend, well, I can take you down that yellow brick road.

Speaker 2 Your friend Oprah revealed she was

Speaker 2 like, yeah. now is this why you got influenced to do it because the big o did it well prepared a statement

Speaker 1 so oprah as you said recently on the uh on the oz is that all written on one paper or is this a statement yeah prepared a lot of statements all right

Speaker 1 uh it's uh size eight courier new

Speaker 1 you're a courier new guy yeah i look through i think i think wing dings all day now which one is that again because it's been a minute since i've written a paper it's all the simple that's wingdings.

Speaker 2 That's a great. That's wingdings.

Speaker 1 Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, get it together, bud.

Speaker 1 All right. So

Speaker 1 a lot of heat is coming towards my pal Oprah. They go, hey, you were bigger, and now you're not.
What'd you do?

Speaker 1 Well, in her defense, you know, food has been an issue for quite some time, as it has been for me as well. One night in particular, I think it was 1996, and I just

Speaker 1 gotten some sort of an award, and we were getting a little stony bologna, dipping gushers into Cool whip i digress but i think that that night told us a lot about ourselves that we we have a sugar addiction so leave her leave the leave her the fuck alone

Speaker 1 wow

Speaker 1 i'm glad you write this stuff down

Speaker 1 there we are toasting i think that's when i i think i just i don't know dyed my pubes or something what do we know she was toast oh that was when the uh the book came out I will say that's a very relatable thing to drink crystal.

Speaker 2 I think most Americans.

Speaker 1 Oh, and that picture was not staged.

Speaker 2 I would say most Americans want to see you in Louboutin shoes cheers in Crystal. You want to get back to your roots.
You want to relate to the people. You got to wear $5,000 shoes

Speaker 1 drinking $2,000 champagne.

Speaker 2 We're of the people. Dr.
Phil, we're people, people.

Speaker 1 That's a good Oprah.

Speaker 2 We're people people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she says that a lot. We're people, people.
We're people, people.

Speaker 2 Well, I love the big Oak because she's Chicago. She represents my city.
I love that.

Speaker 1 Now, going to an Oprah taping seems like almost like a mad TV taping from the 90s? Energy. I was on that show.
I know. That's why I brought it up.
Oh, I know. Yeah, let's not go back to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, let's not bring it up. Fair enough.

Speaker 2 I went to Jerry Springer when I was in high school.

Speaker 1 Did you really? Yeah. That's awesome.
On Senior Ditch Day. Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God.

Speaker 2 On Senior Ditch Day, that's where we went to Jerry Springer downtown.

Speaker 1 A, he was a legend. And B, the audience must have been Banana City.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Keep it right here. No, yeah.

Speaker 2 I went to Jerry Springer, and I just, I don't know why we haven't talked about this for my senior ditch day. I I didn't know that.
It was fucking the most fun I think I've ever had.

Speaker 1 Was there violence that day?

Speaker 2 I bet you can guess the category of what it was that day.

Speaker 1 Baby's Mama?

Speaker 2 Baby's Mama was the first one. What do you think the second one was?

Speaker 1 Animal Attack video. No, but that's very good.

Speaker 2 I wish we got an animal.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So Baby's Mama and then

Speaker 2 who's the daddy was the first one. Oh, who's the daddy? So the category was called the baby mama.
That was the first one.

Speaker 1 What's the second one called?

Speaker 1 Was it Rebellious Kid? No, not Rebellious Teen. Yeah, that's a good guess.

Speaker 1 Those are my favorite guesses. Those are great when they get scared straight.
You see the one where the guy's like,

Speaker 1 fuck you. And then the kid's like, he's like,

Speaker 1 where's your dad? And he's like,

Speaker 1 and then he's like, you want me to be your dad? And then the kid's like,

Speaker 1 I've never seen that one. Oh, it's fucking sad.

Speaker 1 I like it when the kids, though, double down. I love that.
You get me? Fuck you, bitch. Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 2 You don't tell me what to do.

Speaker 1 And then they never get kicked out of the house. They win.

Speaker 2 I love it. Then sometimes they they send them to Scared Straight.
Remember that TV show? Yeah. Where they put them in a prison?

Speaker 1 I did went to one.

Speaker 2 You went to Scared Straight?

Speaker 1 No, mine was in a forest. Are you serious? Scared Gay? What was that?

Speaker 1 Mine was.

Speaker 2 Come here behind this tree.

Speaker 1 No, mine was, you have to walk from Mammoth to Yosemite and back.

Speaker 2 You did not do that. I did.
You did not do that.

Speaker 1 No way you completed that task. I did.
You walked from the 12 rebellious kids. I did it.
I did it my junior year, sophomore year in high school.

Speaker 2 You walked from Mammoth.

Speaker 1 Not in a day. Like, it took weeks and weeks.

Speaker 2 Where did you stay at night?

Speaker 1 In a tent. You did this.
Yes.

Speaker 2 How the fuck have we never talked about this?

Speaker 1 Is that something I want to talk about? I want to talk about it. I was always the last guy.
I remember going, catch up, Lee.

Speaker 2 Dude, that entire walk would take, how long did it say?

Speaker 1 14 hours. 14 fucking hours.
Did you shoot it? It would take weeks.

Speaker 1 Would you guys go?

Speaker 2 Would you do a mile a day?

Speaker 1 No, we would camp and then you would

Speaker 1 talk to us about rocks.

Speaker 1 Okay, this sounds made up. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Did you learn anything? No, but I remember. I didn't sound like it.

Speaker 1 But I won the talent show.

Speaker 2 What was the talent?

Speaker 1 I sang a song called Edie Amin. Sing it right now.
I don't remember the song, but I made up a song. I go, Edie Amin, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Something like that. Are you serious? Yeah, and all the guys were like, yeah, we did.
And that

Speaker 1 won.

Speaker 1 That won. They won it.

Speaker 2 Did no one else do anything?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, that's

Speaker 1 you're very talented. Fuck you.
That's not it. Yes, it is it.
No, that's not good. I performed it.
Somebody must have done something.

Speaker 1 I mean, I went out there and I did it, dude.

Speaker 2 Did you give a pube shot?

Speaker 1 No. Back then, you couldn't do that.
Why? It was against the rules, but...

Speaker 2 You walked from your station.

Speaker 1 And I remember jumping in a lake on a cliff. What lake? I don't remember.

Speaker 2 Well, zoom in. There's one right there.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not. And I'm going to say this, too.
I have photos to prove it at home.

Speaker 1 Next week, you're bringing them back. I will.
I have photos to prove it. Grant lake.
Grant Lake would have been the one he passed through. Grant Lake jumped in.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How was it?

Speaker 1 I remember being cold, but I remember doing it. And I remember being proud of myself.
Did nobody else do it? Everyone did it. We were all meth kids.
Right. Wow.

Speaker 2 So the great meth hike from Yosemite.

Speaker 1 Yeah. By the way, a real meth head would have done it in a day.
But it was like a scare straight kind of a program. And I came back.
I remember going, yeah, I'm going to do more meth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would make me wave when it didn't work. Yeah, it's almost like when the dare officer tells the kids about drugs and he just gets them fired up to taste them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they bring in bongs. I thought that was was so funny.
They were like,

Speaker 2 I used to use these, and you would absolutely want to use them.

Speaker 1 They show how fun it is to take a bong rip.

Speaker 2 Dr. Phil, you smoke pot.

Speaker 1 Oh, all the time. I have another all day, every day, Snoop style.

Speaker 1 Blue Chew. Guys, I'm a 50-year-old man, 52-year-old man, and I like to go out and I like to smash.
And guys, I have some problems down below. And I guess what I've been using?

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Speaker 2 Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Lovitra, but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of

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Speaker 2 It's pretty impressive. Tell them about what you do when you get yourself some Blue Chew.

Speaker 1 I choo-choo, choo-choo, right? And I wait a little couple seconds and then choo-choo, and then it's choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo-choo.

Speaker 2 You're on the train to poundtown, my friend.

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I think that there is

Speaker 1 something about your journey, though, that I dig. What?

Speaker 1 Well, I went to another rehab in Oceanside. I met this girl, right? And this is why I relapsed.

Speaker 1 No, I relapsed. So I met this girl at rehab, and remember she lived in Vista,

Speaker 1 right? And we were like, we're about to go to an A meeting. And she goes, let me try something on you.
And I go, okay. And she put her, my body in between her legs and she squeezed.

Speaker 1 What came out of you? Nothing.

Speaker 1 Not toothpaste? No,

Speaker 1 nothing, dude. Yeah, yeah.
That's like why you're not. Red bean paste.
Red bean paste.

Speaker 1 No, nothing. And no, that's not what it was.
Then I go, let me, because I was on the wrestling team. So I go, let me try.
She goes, okay. And I locked it in and I squeezed and she almost died.

Speaker 2 You almost killed her. She couldn't breathe.
So then you did heroin again.

Speaker 1 No, and then she would, I remember her crying, going,

Speaker 1 how could you do it so hard? That's a fair thing. She She had done it to me, and then I went on relapse.
Wait, Edie, I mean, don't you,

Speaker 1 do you know what?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 Edi, I mean, Dante,

Speaker 1 winner of all talent shows, my friend. Yeah, you are.
There had to be somebody else competing against you in that talent show. Like, did anybody do like a Michael Clark Duncan or a Terry Shabbat?

Speaker 1 That wasn't around in the 80s. Fuckface.
Right. Impressions were? No, Michael Clark Duncan.
Oh, right.

Speaker 1 I did a movie with him, my very first movie. What was it called? It was called

Speaker 1 Underground Comedy Movie. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 So Underground.

Speaker 1 So Underground.

Speaker 1 Put Bobby Lee, Underground Comedy movie. Right there.
Oh, the Shanwell guy was in it. No, he was the main guy.
So put Bobby Lee in there. You'll see what I did.
I played the most racist fucking part.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who did you? James, watch.

Speaker 1 Am I in there? No. They cut you out of the poster.
Yeah, they probably cut me out. Anyway, I was in that.

Speaker 2 Dr. Phil, there's a lot of non-comedians that are going to be in this year's Netflix as a Joke festival I've been seeing online.
Are you going to make an appearance by any chance?

Speaker 1 I think so. I think we locked in a show for May the 6th.

Speaker 1 Wow. Are you in one?

Speaker 2 No. I wasn't either.
No, I'm not in one. I did see Tom Brady is doing it, which

Speaker 1 makes a lot of sense. Which makes perfect sense.
Because when I think of comedy, especially

Speaker 1 Sushi Mama.

Speaker 2 Your name was Sushi Mama?

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh my God. That's incredible.
Well, we're buying that shirt. Yeah, look at that shirt, dude.
It's in stock. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 It's in stock.

Speaker 1 No shit, Carlos.

Speaker 1 $220. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No shit. Go buy it.

Speaker 1 I'm buying one. In fact,

Speaker 1 I'll buy one for you.

Speaker 2 Give Dr. Phil, give him your credit card.
He's going to buy it right now. Yep.

Speaker 1 We can do it later. We can do it later.
Or I'll do it mine.

Speaker 1 I remember. I'm the first time I've taken my wallet out.

Speaker 2 I just figured $460 million. That's not a big deal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that is fucking wild.

Speaker 2 Sushi Mama is definitely a band.

Speaker 1 You think it is? Sushi Mama Mama? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We should start a band called Sushi Mama.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Was that like a hidden gem character? You know what I'm saying? Like a fan favorite? No, what they did was I remember

Speaker 1 the character.

Speaker 1 I was at the La Jolla comedy store. I was in the open mic.
Shout out. And the fucking Sham Wao guy comes up to me.
Vince. Yep.
And what did he say? He goes, yo, I'm the Sham Wao guy. Jesus.

Speaker 1 And it was like the first celebrity I ever met. Yep.
So I froze. Yeah, I missed that spiky hair.
That's when I first got wind of you. Really? Back in the day? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You got those headshots with the spiky hair and the the Hawaiian shirt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, dog.

Speaker 1 I bought that same shirt just because I loved that headshot so much. Okay, good.
I'm a big fan of. I'm a big fan of yours, too.

Speaker 1 My headshots are boring. I just, I'm just

Speaker 1 Kirk Fox.

Speaker 2 I've got Phil's headshots. I want to see who some of your good headshots are, dog.

Speaker 1 They're all normal. You know, you're.

Speaker 1 I'll go through the faces. Ready? Yeah.
This is me being like, okay. What's that face? Who touched you?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's it? Yeah. What's this face? It was this one.

Speaker 1 I touched you.

Speaker 1 you.

Speaker 1 All right. You can make my mustache fall up, Bobby.
All right, let's all let's take turns.

Speaker 2 So then, Jess, you do the next one.

Speaker 1 This is a fun game. This is a fun game.
What's the next one, sir?

Speaker 4 I just farted.

Speaker 1 Yes, it is. That's very good.
Yep. Let's see.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 No, for real, I did just fart.

Speaker 1 Now, my question is, where do you think I farted it? Oh. Oh.
Like what room?

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you meant guess the fart. I know this one.
I know this one. I farted too much.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 There's a little poo. And then go to the next one.
That's the face of a guy who's about to shit his pants on the 405.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this one.

Speaker 1 Oh, what's this one? Oh. The other one's I'm about to fart.
I'm about to fart. About to fart.
They're all pre- and post-fart.

Speaker 2 And that one is, you know what I did.

Speaker 1 You know what I did.

Speaker 2 That's what my dog looks like.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? You know what that is?

Speaker 1 That's when I'm driving to the Laker game. Yeah.
Yeah. And you're in shotgun, and I get out first after I've let one rip.

Speaker 1 And I get out, and I look at the valet guy, and I go,

Speaker 1 Keep that photo. Keep it.
Can you do that? What? That face.

Speaker 1 I'm now seeing it from your vantage point. This is terrifying.
Let me see if I can.

Speaker 2 Somehow, you always go cross-eyed.

Speaker 4 It is a little.

Speaker 1 What? I am a little cock-eyed.

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's your eyes, but you go cross-eyed when you do faces like that.

Speaker 1 That's so fucking racist. Look at me in the middle.
No, it's not. Do it big.

Speaker 2 You go cross-eyed. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the right one's in.

Speaker 1 I have that headshot, too.

Speaker 1 Whoa, dude.

Speaker 2 I don't think you guys were made to imitate.

Speaker 1 Like the machine mouth. Let me see if I can't.
Let me see if I can keep them straight. Yeah.
I'll do the noise. I'll do the noise again.
Oh, you're doing it again.

Speaker 1 It's better, though. That's better.
Creepy, though. Oh, it hurts so bad.
But they're moving so much. Yeah, I'm controlling it.

Speaker 2 Asian eyes are not supposed to

Speaker 2 do facial expressions. Yeah, yeah.
Right, because look at this. Like, like your mom, like this.
If I say to your mom, somebody died, her facial expression would be what?

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I don't know what kind of camera play. I don't know what kind of thing.
She would have no expression. Oh, she wouldn't? She wouldn't go, oh.
Okay, okay, ready?

Speaker 2 Somebody died.

Speaker 2 I just got a big promotion.

Speaker 2 That's what you're saying? Mom, I'm gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's great.
Do you think when the two bombs dropped, there was facial expressions? Probably. No.
They were just.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Atomic bomb.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine? That's right. And Godzilla minus one.
I saw them running. They were like, wait a minute.
Godzilla. What do you think is scarier? Godzilla or a bomb?

Speaker 2 Godzilla with a bomb. Godzilla is a bomb.

Speaker 1 What about watching Godzilla bomb at the ha ha?

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 2 His new shit is pretty good.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine? We got Earthquake. What if a comedian came out and was like, my name's Godzilla? Could you do that?

Speaker 2 Well, more elements would be if we had another comedian that was like Tornado.

Speaker 1 Well, we had Chinaman. Oh, yeah.
Who's that? Mark Britton.

Speaker 2 His name was Chinaman. Yeah, so

Speaker 1 years ago, I was in Texas. Does the story get better? Yeah, it does.

Speaker 1 It does.

Speaker 1 So Mark Britton, what was his name? Chinaman. Oh, I remember this guy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 His name was Chinaman.

Speaker 2 That's him.

Speaker 1 He's half Asian.

Speaker 2 His name is Mark Britton. Can we get this guy on this?

Speaker 1 Can I say something? Let me say something about Mark. Please.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He taught Pablo Francisco how to do impressions.

Speaker 2 No way. Yes.

Speaker 1 This guy is the best impressionist you'll ever see. The movie Trailer Voice is probably from him, right? Number two, right?

Speaker 1 He would sell out every fucking show in Texas. Sure, I don't doubt it.
And number three, he came up to me once and he goes,

Speaker 1 Yeah, man, I don't know. I can't make, you know, get anything going in Hollywood.
And I go, Maybe because your name is Chinaman?

Speaker 2 What is the name of his album?

Speaker 1 Because you know, now he changed his name to guess what? His name is Kid Walk. Kid Walk.
Wait, look at his website.

Speaker 1 No, you're kidding. I swear to God.
www.misofunny.com is where you find his work.

Speaker 2 That's a very funny website. Miso.
MisoFunny is very good.

Speaker 1 Kid Walk. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kid Walk. Funny.
The Chinaman was, and he would sell it.

Speaker 1 But he wasn't even full Asian. That was what's crazy.
Well, but half. Used to get the hottest chicks, too, back in the 90s.
Do you think it was the goatee? Or one of them at least?

Speaker 1 Could have been one of them. He's so funny, this guy.
I once

Speaker 1 had two girls in San Jose that had been with Pauly Shore. They had nothing but great things to say.

Speaker 1 And I got to be honest, I was a little jealous. Of the girls or Polly? Maybe a little bit of both.

Speaker 1 Because I've never hooked up with a celebrity. You are a celebrity.
Have you ever jerked off? Today?

Speaker 1 Have you jerked off?

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't like to say it's a problem, but it's not an issue.

Speaker 2 Do you need to tell us something?

Speaker 1 All right. I jerk off a lot.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 What do you jerk off to? Music. Oh.
Oh, can we guess? Wow. Can we guess the band? Sure, I got no shame.
It's classical. No.
Sometimes, but not usually.

Speaker 2 Megadeth. Yep.

Speaker 1 That's what you jerk off to.

Speaker 1 Okay, don't act so surprised.

Speaker 2 No, we're not. It's fine.
It's cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's, I don't know. It's the contrast.
Some people like a little bit of lotion. I'm more of a soap guy.
I thought you were Bruce Hornsby.

Speaker 1 That's just the way it is. Yes.
Where's that guy? Love that song, though. Love it.
Just the way it is. What was the lyrics in the beginning? Stay with some time

Speaker 1 rating for the marriage. Yeah, some sad shit.
Yeah, working-class work shit, and then that's just the way it is. I think it was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 9 to 5 abortion time or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nine to five abortion time. But he played the piano with such

Speaker 1 dad just died. Dad just died.
It got dark real quick. Yeah, it got real quick.

Speaker 1 That's just the way it is. That's the way it is.
And then you're listening going, I guess.

Speaker 1 It is the way it is. I guess I have to suck it up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then the sweet piano would make you forget about your

Speaker 1 life is great. That's just the way it is.

Speaker 1 I guess I can get a job. Right.
No, you can't. You know another song, Fast Car by fucking, what's her name?

Speaker 2 Tupac Tupac then used that song, by the way, and made it amazing. What?

Speaker 1 Fast Car? No, that's the way it is. Oh, it is? Yeah.
Fast Car is another depressing song from Tracy. You got a Fast Car.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
That was

Speaker 1 hit my fucking heart tonight.

Speaker 1 You got a Fast Car.

Speaker 4 You know what Bob's jacking off to tonight? Yeah,

Speaker 1 wow. Yo, you're two for two, and I might be going on tour.
So what's that song about Fast Car?

Speaker 1 It's about

Speaker 1 her dad, something, right?

Speaker 1 Her dad has diabetes or something, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's

Speaker 2 legless. Legless.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So she's where's she going to in that fast car? She wants to go somewhere with her man.

Speaker 2 A combination KFC Taco Bell.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 speaking of a fast car, we got to go to KFC and you want Taco Bell. Yeah.
I want my bash potatoes and I go, Dita. See? Go, Dita.

Speaker 1 Lucky a can, Tina. There it is.
Okay. There it is.
I once stayed at the Taco Bell Hotel. That's not something I tell everybody, but.
How was the Taco Bell Hotel? Diarrhea City. Really?

Speaker 1 Everyone was shitting themselves. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I had a stand-up joke about Taco Bell slash KFC. Okay.
Well, you just did the punchline though. What?

Speaker 1 It's hard to decide when you go to those things. Like, how bad do I want my diarrhea? Oh, funny.
You can have it. Nope.
I already did it. Well, you know, I've been doing it.
That was in the 90s.

Speaker 1 Well, I shot a special on Vimeo.

Speaker 1 You know? Did you really? Yeah. Yeah, but it's, you know, I'll send you the link, but it ain't, it's not worth watching twice.
Anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah, KFC and Taco Bell. What a combination.
What other combination do you wish were out there?

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 That's nice. What do you wish?

Speaker 1 How about this, like two. Okay, so what about this? Yeah.
Tommy Burger. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jamba Juice. Yikes.

Speaker 2 That's really good.

Speaker 1 Why? Why would I say that? Because I think that's what I'm saying. Tommy Burger always fucks up your stomach.
Yep. Yeah.
With the chili. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But then you're like, oh, I'll have some wheat grass. Level you out.
Level me up. Like a ginger shot.
Yeah, yeah, like ginger shot. I'm going to empty everything for Christmas hot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What is another good combination?

Speaker 2 What's a good combination?

Speaker 1 In-n-Out and orange Julius. Pretty.

Speaker 1 Well, the In-N-Out burgers, you know, going to treat you right, Dairy Queen style, but also, you know, hot eats, cool treats are coming up inside you. Drop down a nice little Julius on top.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. Very good.
Circle gets the sweater. I get it.
I get it. Circle gets it.
Yeah, yeah. But I think that, yeah, it's the sweet.
It's a sweet on sweet that I like. Jess?

Speaker 4 I'd probably do like a jack-in-the-box Box with a CVS.

Speaker 1 Ooh. Wow.
You're very smart.

Speaker 4 Just because I get like so much from Jack in the Box, I can't help myself because I'll get the tacos, the jalapeno bloppers, the sourdough jack.

Speaker 1 How about an egg roll?

Speaker 4 Sometimes an egg roll, too.

Speaker 1 Maybe a chicken teriyaki bowl if you're getting frisky.

Speaker 4 I've never gotten. They have that at Jack.
They have everything at CVS.

Speaker 1 They have everything.

Speaker 4 And they have everything at CVS to cure

Speaker 1 everything that you get.

Speaker 1 And more beverages, too. You can get a Gatorade Zero to CVS.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and you guys are ever like on your period and then you have to get fast food, and then you have to go to the.

Speaker 1 I know what that's like. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I know what that's like.

Speaker 1 I would want to combine

Speaker 2 firehouse subs.

Speaker 1 Oh, good fucking call. You know, firehouse subs? I love them.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Firehouse subs and a

Speaker 1 AutoZone.

Speaker 1 Why? Why?

Speaker 2 I have to change my fucking oil and I just can't get there.

Speaker 2 But if you put it near in a combination of firehouse subs, because I'm going to eat lunch, but how often can I go fucking to Autozone to change my oil? That's nuts. I need oil in my car.

Speaker 2 Haven't been there. It's been beeping at me for a month and a half.

Speaker 1 Put them together. I'll fucking do it.
I love that.

Speaker 2 Let me get a fucking turkey avocado. I'll get some oil then.

Speaker 4 That's a really good idea because AutoZone doesn't have snacks.

Speaker 1 No, there's no snacks there.

Speaker 2 But they have a lot of things that you need for your vehicle.

Speaker 4 But not for your vehicle.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I pointed at you to do it.

Speaker 1 We're going to keep it right here because I do have something to say about that. Bless you.
Is that chicken pox or monkey pox?

Speaker 4 I don't know. You're the doctor.

Speaker 1 I have a statement prepared for you.

Speaker 1 Jesse, sarcasm's been an issue lately. Sharkasm?

Speaker 1 Is that sarcasm? Sharkasm. Oh, sharkasm.
It's when you're like, I didn't shoot my parents, but you did. Yeah, you did.
You know what you did and who you are.

Speaker 1 Bobby, what's in that pen?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. He's going to have an intervention on you right now.

Speaker 1 No judgment, just curious. Okay, what's in the pen? It's um, it's called a jewel, and it's uh,

Speaker 1 it's like a tobacco-flavored uh vibe vape, all good, all good. What flavor is it?

Speaker 1 I just tobacco,

Speaker 1 like a strawberry or a cheesecake, tobacco, man. Okay,

Speaker 1 and when you suck on it, okay, where are you going?

Speaker 1 Where are we going, dude? You need it, huh?

Speaker 1 I don't need it. Okay, yeah, go ahead because I don't need this

Speaker 2 interesting approach, Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 every patient's different. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're still.

Speaker 2 Okay, he's trying to get you off the pen.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. No, no.
And if anything, I'd like to encourage more of it.

Speaker 2 You want him to use the vape pen more?

Speaker 1 I think he's not vaping enough.

Speaker 1 That's not going to work either. Listen, Dr.
Phil,

Speaker 1 I don't drink. I don't do drugs.

Speaker 1 I quit smoking cigarettes. I vape some.
Congrats on the

Speaker 1 this is my last hurrah here. Right.

Speaker 1 So I think I'm doing pretty good, man.

Speaker 2 That and food.

Speaker 1 You know, it's so funny when that's not a shot. What my mom said to me yesterday, I've been, did I share about it? I shared about MIA meeting.
Okay. I'm not taking a shot at you.

Speaker 1 And what my mom said, you were there. Yeah.
She goes, you'd be handsome if you lost weight.

Speaker 2 She said, you used to look like Elvis.

Speaker 4 I didn't cheer it. She said your face doesn't match your stomach.

Speaker 2 That's what she said.

Speaker 1 That hurts. That's fucking, that's deep.
That's deep, dude.

Speaker 4 She said you have a beautiful face. She did.

Speaker 1 She said it. What about my body? I think your body's fine.

Speaker 2 She poked your stomach about five times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what do you think about my body?

Speaker 4 Me as your employee?

Speaker 1 That was a great fucking answer. Very ride back.
Very good. Yeah, very good.

Speaker 4 You never know our dynamics.

Speaker 1 I mean, do you think I should lose some weight?

Speaker 4 I think you should. I think you're perfect just the way you are, like, looks-wise, but you should walk.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll never feel like how you were.

Speaker 2 After you gorge a a big meal, I want you to sit at the piano all slovenly and just go,

Speaker 1 that's just a word.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Things will never be

Speaker 2 fall asleep. I don't think you need to lose any weight.
Thank you. All I think you need to do is continue being happy and that your health will follow suit.

Speaker 1 I actually look at Carlos.

Speaker 2 Carlos, he looks as healthy and happy as I've ever seen him. He hugged me today when I came in the studio.
I was here early yelling at somebody.

Speaker 2 And Carlos walked in and had a big smile, didn't you?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 you looked very good. You feel good.

Speaker 1 He came to the meeting today.

Speaker 2 Well, I was going to let him share it, but do you want to share this on the show or no?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I went to an AA meeting for the first time in like six years today.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Hey, that's a big deal. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.

Speaker 2 No one didn't. No one said it wasn't.

Speaker 1 Well, they might. No, they won't.

Speaker 1 There's haters out there. Phil.
Phil,

Speaker 1 what the fuck are you doing? What are you trying to stop the hay different than today? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought you were about to throw a plastic instead of glasses. Let me say something about you, Phil, dude.
Get him.

Speaker 1 Even since I've been in here, before even the cameras went on, man, you've been negative and fucking weird, swearing up a fucking storm. Get him, Bob.

Speaker 1 You're acting like the opposite of what you fucking represent on television. Get him.
I'm fucking tired of this shit, dude. I love this.
Who the fuck are you, dude?

Speaker 1 It's good to see some emotion coming from you.

Speaker 1 Doctor, are you high right now, dude? Look at your eyes, dude.

Speaker 1 Doctor Phil, Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 You're stoned right now. When did you eat an edible?

Speaker 4 You know, that didn't pause it no you're not doing anything

Speaker 1 yeah it's been a rough couple weeks what's been going on phil my goldfish died okay oh man we'll get you a new one bud yeah okay it's tough to replace uh the first fish you buy oh

Speaker 1 oh when did you buy it they live like three days three days ago okay

Speaker 2 Well, Dr. Phil, I would like you to get to the root of what's going on with Carlos.
I'm sorry to step you out of your goldfish quandary, but we'll get you a new one. It doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 2 And Carlos, we are proud of you.

Speaker 2 I want to say how happy I am.

Speaker 2 You have looked like you're feeling like a new man. Your clarity the other day was remarkable.
Thank you, Andrew.

Speaker 1 You were intimidating Bobby a little bit. Oh, yeah, I did.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we had some good riffs on the show.

Speaker 1 It was pretty surprising. I was surprised.
I feel good about how good you feel.

Speaker 5 It was interesting, like, coming in sober to that episode. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I felt more like

Speaker 2 sharper. You want to show us something shiny?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I got this 24-hour chip.

Speaker 2 That's amazing.

Speaker 5 And I showed it to Andrew, and I almost started crying.

Speaker 2 And I gave him a big hug.

Speaker 1 But are you serious, though? He is? What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Wait, what the fuck are you talking about? He is.

Speaker 2 He gave me a big hug and almost started crying.

Speaker 1 I know, I know, because I don't know. Are you or not? Yeah.
I don't, I just,

Speaker 1 I want you to want it, but if you don't want it, I'm fine too.

Speaker 5 I mean, I wouldn't have gone to the meeting if I didn't, if I didn't want to explore that. Like I tried to stay sober last night and it didn't work.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I was like.

Speaker 1 And tonight.

Speaker 5 No, tonight I'm going to.

Speaker 1 Really? I'm going to call him. Let him do it.
I believe him. I believe he's got

Speaker 1 the token to prove it.

Speaker 3 It's not real 24 hours then.

Speaker 2 Put talking to the mic, sweetheart.

Speaker 3 It's not been 24 hours then.

Speaker 1 No, no. Well, listen, we need to cut pieces of shit out of people's lives.
The negative fucking name. You mean fancy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, negative fancy. That's your new name.

Speaker 1 Negative fancy, dude. I'm just saying he.
No, no, no. Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 3 You told me yesterday you didn't drink.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, but then I did drink.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is what happened. So in addiction, fancy, it goes up and down.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You arrogant piece of shit.
I was trying to drink.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude, that's Spanish. This is a Spanish-Mexican thing.

Speaker 1 I know. That's what that's.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 Can I take a stab at trying to see how we got here? Yeah. Go ahead.
Carlos, you've been sober a day now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like

Speaker 1 10 hours. Yeah, like 10 hours.
10 hours. So, like five back-to-back episodes of Save by the Bell the College years.
Exactly. That's not a long time.

Speaker 1 But you spent your time prior to that enjoying

Speaker 1 the benefits of alcohol consumption. No? Yes.
What were some of the most fun things you did? And do you miss it right now?

Speaker 2 Phil, is this going to keep him sober?

Speaker 2 I don't know your approach. You're a doctor.

Speaker 1 Why don't we go one of the negative? Yeah. Well, that sounds like a good place to start.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 What got you, what did you hate about yourself?

Speaker 5 Honestly, that I would wake up, not remember how I got home.

Speaker 1 That, by the way, is something

Speaker 1 we've all been there. Oh, my God.
The nightmare of...

Speaker 1 I've never been there.

Speaker 1 Imagine us getting the call.

Speaker 2 Call me.

Speaker 1 Okay. Ring, ring.

Speaker 2 Oh, hey, what's up?

Speaker 1 Hey, Carlos. No, it's me, Bobby.
Oh, hey, Bobby. Yeah.
Why are you calling from Carlos' phone?

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on. What are the numbers?

Speaker 2 What are the numbers of the show?

Speaker 1 We're doing really well this week. Good, good, good, good, good.
Good. We hit all the checkpoints.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Speaking of hit, you got anything to tell me?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, why do I have Carlos' phone? That's right.

Speaker 1 Why? He's

Speaker 1 he's well, he's in the back of a police car.

Speaker 1 What's new? Yeah, well, what's new is

Speaker 1 the new part about this is that a family died.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Officer James. I'm here to tell you about the family.

Speaker 2 Now, are you calling me or are you here with me right now?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm here. Oh, Officer James.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry. It's good to see you.

Speaker 1 What fans are you?

Speaker 1 Oh, you guys showed up.

Speaker 1 Oh, you came together. Yeah, we're here together.
We're just going to show you guys. Jessica, what the accident here?

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 4 Have you been with these guys all day?

Speaker 1 No, I thought we were recording. Yeah, we were supposed to shoot.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 Officer James, wrap this up.

Speaker 2 We have to have to film Bad Friends now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, and I know that, and I realize that this happened close to home, and I hate that for you, but your friend Carlos

Speaker 1 hit a family, and they were on their way to

Speaker 1 Chuck E. Cheese, yeah.

Speaker 2 You look exactly like Dr. Phil.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was thinking that. I thought, too, that.
Are you? It was crazy. Dr.
Phil?

Speaker 1 Let me live a normal life, huh?

Speaker 1 Oh, I know. You're like Steven Seagal.
Yeah, I'm like Undercover Brother. Sometimes he's a cop and stuff.
You ever see Undercover Brother with Eddie Griffin? Conversely. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm the white version of that. Wow.

Speaker 2 So you cosplay as a cop.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're like Shaq. You're like a

Speaker 1 murderer's officer

Speaker 1 family it's so you there was i think they were it was all adults yeah but but the good news andrew is where are they going andrew yeah the good news raccoons ate them oh the body of raccoons

Speaker 1 well yeah yeah who ate the bodies of the family that was real that's true that is true

Speaker 1 we opened them up yeah and there was a hispanic family inside the bodies how many people was this well i mean you know 30 felt like five but they just kept coming out yeah yeah yeah just like they do in like a regular car yep yeah Well, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 Sorry, officer, I just didn't get that bit. A lot of them.
No, what do you mean? They fit a lot.

Speaker 1 You're like clowns.

Speaker 1 What's the Mexican one?

Speaker 1 That's it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry. That was all.
Let's get back to the truth. Carlos is here.
What's up? Let's get back to the truth.

Speaker 2 Thank God. Thank God.
You didn't do anything fucking trash.

Speaker 4 That we know of.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true, because that's not okay. And hey, what's in your hand right now?

Speaker 2 If you drink and drive again, I will fuck you up.

Speaker 1 I will fuck you up.

Speaker 1 I don't like it. It's not funny.
I don't like it. It's not funny.
Not funny.

Speaker 1 Okay, what is this? Bring it over.

Speaker 5 MDMA, mushrooms, and cocaine.

Speaker 2 Give it to me now.

Speaker 1 Well, and then leave it here first, and then I'll bring it over to Andrew.

Speaker 2 So you're surrendering some stuff that you have for me.

Speaker 1 Good for you. What is it?

Speaker 2 Now, do you want to measure this to make sure that none of you have to pick up?

Speaker 1 Okay, so what's the white powder? Hey, I'm proud of you, hey, my man. What's a white powder? What's a white powder? Big fucking.
Well, this is Coke, yeah?

Speaker 4 I don't know. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Officer Doctor? No. I'm not going to say that.
Do you let you in your mind? Coke. Yeah, cocaine.
Last time I did Coke was at a third eye

Speaker 1 concert. Molly.

Speaker 5 Molly from a different dealer.

Speaker 2 Molly from a different dealer.

Speaker 1 I think I rented that in a house. I'm actually a molly.

Speaker 5 Mushrooms. Mushrooms.
Mushrooms. More mushrooms.

Speaker 1 And the Coke, no fentanyl.

Speaker 5 So it's good to go, Doctor.

Speaker 2 You've tested it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's the last of it. I've done it, and then I had it as a backup in case I needed an oomph in the morning.

Speaker 1 And then. Dr.

Speaker 3 Phil, I made him pee on a cup, and I want to make sure you, you know, you test it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll have my producer, Tina, will test it. Oh, I thought you were.

Speaker 1 We call her P. Tina.

Speaker 2 Oh, there you go. So you peed in the cup before the show.
Dr. Phil, do you want to make sure that

Speaker 2 it's clean?

Speaker 2 So he's not lying.

Speaker 1 It's real American urine? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, Mexican.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Now, Mexican-American. What's the difference?

Speaker 1 If you taste it, you'll know. Yeah.
It's spicier. Yeah.
It's just to make sure it's. It's got a little bite to it.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I just want to make sure that it's drug-free.

Speaker 1 Drug-free. That's real piss.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give it one small sip, Doctor.

Speaker 4 That's how you test it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, smell the pee.

Speaker 1 I'm not a doctor.

Speaker 1 Shit, I smell it to make sure. Dr.

Speaker 2 Phil, relax. She's not a doctor.

Speaker 1 I never tested piss before. She doesn't know.
Well, you haven't truly lived then.

Speaker 1 All right, here we go. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is it clean?

Speaker 4 Oh my God, his pupils are dilating.

Speaker 1 I really wish I hadn't done that. Why?

Speaker 1 Because now he's poked. Now you're poking.
It's delicious. Pound it, dude.

Speaker 1 Pound it, Dr. Phil.
That's great. Wow.

Speaker 5 Wow. It's the last of my margarita in my system.

Speaker 1 You okay? There's tequila in there.

Speaker 3 It's not clean, right? Return the chip.

Speaker 1 I mean, it definitely is P, but this guy. Return the chip.
Such an asshole. Return the chip.
You sound like a James Bond villain. Return the chip.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 2 You must return the chip.

Speaker 2 Dr. Bond.

Speaker 1 Dr. Bond.

Speaker 2 Dr. Bond.
I have an idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, good.

Speaker 4 Well, because Fancy has been so negative lately and Carlos is just getting out of drugs. I think I saw this in a movie.

Speaker 4 If they switch places, so Carlos could raise Fancy's baby and have a beautiful wife and learn responsibility. And Fancy could start doing cocaine and kind of loosened up

Speaker 3 to be up on time every Monday.

Speaker 4 Do you see what I'm saying? Like, he could lose

Speaker 1 a little bit. There was a negative though.
Now, let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 2 Even if you switch places physically, let's see if it dynamically changes how you guys are.

Speaker 1 This is like that Bateman Reynolds movie, The Change-Up. It's exactly what I'm doing.
That's what I'm thinking, you know.

Speaker 2 All right, let's see if maybe this helps even a little bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like this. Yeah.
Oh, wow. You're

Speaker 1 like the position. Oh, you look so good there.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Hey, fans.

Speaker 2 How are you feeling?

Speaker 1 I feel like drinking. Okay.

Speaker 1 Imagine going on a cruise boat and hearing that in the room across the hall.

Speaker 1 I feel like drinking.

Speaker 1 And you go, we must be in the weird part of the ship. By the way,

Speaker 2 you pass by that room. You pass by the room thinking, right on, man.
But you see he's just looking in the mirror by himself.

Speaker 2 I feel like drinking.

Speaker 2 No one's even in there with him.

Speaker 1 You poke your head and you go, my man, you need a sandwich or something?

Speaker 1 Dr.

Speaker 2 P, I feel like those Eddies are kicking in right now, aren't they?

Speaker 1 I'm feeling pretty good.

Speaker 1 Can't taste the pea residue.

Speaker 1 Carlos, congrats again, man. Thanks, Don.
I want to give you a big shout out and a quick little pat me on the back for yourself. Appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I like to do it for myself, and then I just do that to you.

Speaker 2 See, now, Dr. Bill, this wouldn't mean like brush it away.
This means like this is kind of dismissive.

Speaker 1 Oh, sign language. Isn't this like fuck off?

Speaker 2 No, this is fuck off.

Speaker 1 That's fuck off. You know Adam Ray, right? Sure.
Yeah. Can you.

Speaker 4 Can I say something? I want to say

Speaker 1 I'm not a fan. Oh, me.
Well, it's awesome.

Speaker 1 I've seen him on YouTube. But I did a video with Andrew and Adam Ray about Olympic video.
Oh, that's it. It was done very well on the internet.
My favorites, yeah. One of my favorites.

Speaker 1 But I want to say something. Just relate this to Adam, if you may.
Okay. I'm

Speaker 1 super proud of him. Because I can see him coming up in the comedy world in terms of like the numbers and people talking about him.
Okay. He's working super hard.
He is, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I honestly, I tell him I'm really proud of the guy. That's so nice.
Well, that means a lot. There it is.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a grind.

Speaker 1 And as you guys know, you know, we just try to put one foot in front of the other for the day. That day when we did that, what was my attitude like? Miserable.

Speaker 2 Was that really? Yeah, you were being a little asshole.

Speaker 4 Wow, 11 years ago.

Speaker 1 11 years ago. Look at that.

Speaker 2 And you left early. You left the shoot before we were done.

Speaker 1 I mean, look at the look at the

Speaker 1 coke.

Speaker 2 Someone's dealing Coke in a video game well you left the shoot before we were done yeah we had access to the gym for a certain amount of time yeah and hoot tattoo was a great name for unbelievable yeah hoot tatuti

Speaker 1 well you look good you look good haven't changed a bit your mom would like this this was 11 years ago i can't

Speaker 1 say his mom looked like this no she would like him here You see, you didn't get less negative for some reason.

Speaker 2 It's like you said.

Speaker 1 I'm positive. He looks great.

Speaker 2 No, you said your mom would like this. It's like a backhanded compliment.

Speaker 3 No, she

Speaker 1 looked great. You're a fucking asshole.
You look great.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 4 11 years ago, you're saying

Speaker 1 a decade ago. Yeah.
Bobby know what I love about Hoot's outfit. It looks like a real coach's outfit.
It does. Did you have that jacket or did you buy it?

Speaker 2 Oh, that was in his trunk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was my trunk.

Speaker 2 It was in the trunk of his car. I remember you getting it out.

Speaker 1 It was very funny.

Speaker 1 You know who complimented me about this video? Who? Allison Jones.

Speaker 1 No way. Yeah.
She goes, I saw that video deal with Andrew and Adam. She goes, so funny.

Speaker 2 You know what was really funny about this moment that we're starting to shoot this? You didn't want to do it, and then you asked if you could smoke in the gym. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2 And I thought, of all the places you probably can't smoke, it's in a fucking gym.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a kid's gymnasium.

Speaker 1 But you know what? But what a fun video.

Speaker 1 You killed. You're violent.

Speaker 1 What a funny thing, too. It's like violence is only funny if it's done by the right people.
Yeah, that's right. That's true.
Schwarzenegger. What? Ooh, wow.
The way you said that.

Speaker 1 I don't like the way you said that. Arnold.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the last name. Well, now you're making me self-conscious.

Speaker 1 Say it the last name.

Speaker 2 Do you know him, Arnold?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, we've in passing, you know, we've been at premieres together.
I mean, the Schwartz was fine. Yeah, Schwartz sounded normal.
Let's just leave it at that then.

Speaker 1 Arnold Schwartz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we met at the premiere of, God, what was it? That's your old accountant, Arnold Schwartz. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, Arnold Schwartz, yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. What a film.
Wow. With Christina Applegate and a very

Speaker 1 early Stillgetti.

Speaker 2 Love Christina Applegate, dude. I had such a crush on her.

Speaker 1 Big crush. Still Getty.
Elizabeth Elizabeth Shu in that? No. No.
No, that's. That's.

Speaker 2 Babysitter. That's.

Speaker 1 Babysitter. No, no babysitter.

Speaker 1 Don't tell.

Speaker 1 Adventures in Babysitting. Yeah.
Boy, a lot of babysitting. She's

Speaker 1 doing pretty good, huh?

Speaker 2 Elizabeth Shue. Yeah.
What is she doing? I'm not privy to what you're saying.

Speaker 1 She's in the boys. Oh, the boys, the boys.

Speaker 1 You see the boys? I have. Great show.
Very funny. I don't see a lot.
I watch a lot of Dr. Pimple Popper.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. A lot of

Speaker 1 other doctors. Chop Jr.
Boy, they're mean to those kids. They're like, hey, Caleb.
Do you know Dr. Scholz? Oh, the medicine woman.
Oh, no, the product.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I also know Dr. Pepper.
The shoe guy.

Speaker 1 Dr. Scholz a shoe guy or no? Do you know Dr.
Pepper? Sure. You know Dr.
Pepper? I know Justin Guarini, if that's what you're getting at. Yeah, guy.
I can call him right now. Don't, please.

Speaker 1 Please don't. No.
Yeah. I'll read the room.

Speaker 1 Do you know mythological doctors?

Speaker 1 Well, Dr. Doom.
Dr. Doom.
Yeah. Well, Dr.
Claw is probably the most famous of the fake docs. Or maybe Mick Dreamy.

Speaker 1 Who do you think gets more pussy? Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget or Patrick Dempsey?

Speaker 2 I'm going to go with Dempsey. That looks like it's a wild guess, but I think Dempsey does, for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, agree to disagree, but

Speaker 1 yeah, Dempsey, he really popped off. Jess, who was your like hunk? Probably

Speaker 1 Dr. Octavius.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 A man with eight arms. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. There we go.
Hey, you're three for three.

Speaker 2 Don't his fingers have tongues on them?

Speaker 4 They probably could.

Speaker 1 Isn't that how they turned?

Speaker 4 I've thought about it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine that?

Speaker 4 They don't, but they could.

Speaker 1 They could. Can you imagine getting fingered and there's a tongue on the finger? These are the things I think about.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine Dr. Ock.
What's his name? Octavius? Octavius.

Speaker 1 Him being a goalkeeper for a soccer team. Amazing.
Undefeated.

Speaker 2 Undefeated.

Speaker 1 I mean, imagine you doing a penalty kick and he's just... Unstoppable.
And then just tongues everywhere. Yeah.
Yeah, tongues everywhere.

Speaker 1 Does he win?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Ronaldo would be scared.
Everybody would be.

Speaker 2 No, Ronaldo could get him.

Speaker 1 You think so? Yeah. Yeah, he's the best.

Speaker 1 FIFA Ronaldo could. Fuck yeah, man.
Do you know much about soccer? Love FIFA. Scored on my own team in the fourth grade.
True story.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? My friend's dad called me a fucking idiot. Yeah, wait, own goal? What's that? It's called an own goal.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The goal he was trying to dive out of the way, the ball was going towards the sideline. Yeah.
And I kicked it, and this is me telling the story, not Adam Ray. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I've heard him tell a similar story, and he's fabricating. Me, this happened to me.
Yeah, ball's going towards the sideline, tried to kick it out of bounds, it slashed around the goalie.

Speaker 1 He dove in slow motion, and I went, oh, fuck. A friend's dad on the ride home goes, you fucking idiot.
Really? Fifth grade. Oh, wow, wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was terrifying. As a child, you learn that, you know, even adults are doing their best.
But in that moment,

Speaker 1 I wanted to grab the wheel and crash this into a Wendy's.

Speaker 1 Jesus, Dr. Jesus Christ.
Dr. Phil.
But I didn't.

Speaker 2 Thank God. Yes.

Speaker 1 Self-discipline. You're still here, buddy.
Well, I'm clicking a ticking. I'm feeling good.

Speaker 1 Wasn't it just your birthday?

Speaker 1 In September. Coming up.
Last September. No, I guess.
We're further away.

Speaker 1 We're in the mid.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 In the next six months, it'll probably happen again. That's like a golden shower birthday or something.
What do you mean? When it's your midpoint birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you think it's called? I don't know.
I just drank some piss and I'm still thinking about it. Oh, okay.
I might have, you know what?

Speaker 1 Even though it's going to be my 53rd birthday, congrats. Thank you.
I might have a party.

Speaker 1 Because back in the day, I don't know if you guys, do you ever go, Carlos? I used to have these big parties. You know where I used to have them?

Speaker 1 Spaghetti Factory. Yep.

Speaker 1 Do you ever go? Did Adam ever go? I believe he sent me some pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it looked like a blast. I used to rent out half a fucking spaghetti factory.

Speaker 2 Whose dad owned it? We knew the kid's dad.

Speaker 1 It was a comic.

Speaker 2 Whose dad owned the spaghetti factory

Speaker 1 on Hollywood Boulevard, right? Yeah, it was on Sunset Editor. Sunset Event.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a kid that his dad owned that spaghetti factory. A comic.
I don't remember. When we were coming up,

Speaker 2 when Adam and I were younger. Yeah, we remember.

Speaker 1 He tells me a lot of

Speaker 1 your up-and-coming stories, the Robbie Picard bar shows.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, Robbie Pickard, yeah, down in Orange County. Orange County.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of shit gigs you guys do, and I really want to say, you know, in my world, it's like, yeah, you kind of get thrust into the limelight pretty quick, but you guys got to just take it or leave it.

Speaker 2 It doesn't seem like it was quick for you. Didn't you become famous in your like 50s?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I felt like I was famous in my 20s. But you weren't.
What did we learn today?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 we learned that Scooby-Doo has

Speaker 1 a different way of looking at life. Yeah, yeah.
Yaba daba-doo. Yep.
We learned that

Speaker 1 we learned that, you know, I've got all sorts of different looks for the camera. We learned this.
We learned your dance from EDMA. EDME.

Speaker 1 What did we also learn?

Speaker 2 Well, what we did learn is that Carlos is on a new path to happiness and

Speaker 1 redemption.

Speaker 2 Why don't we do this? Why don't we say goodbye to Dr. Phil and we can wrap up without Dr.
Phil so we can talk bad about him behind his back a little bit.

Speaker 1 Happy New Year, by the way. Happy New Year.
Dr. Phil.
This was a resolution of mine was to come on this show.

Speaker 2 We really appreciate you, Dr. Phil.
Thank you for being on the show.

Speaker 1 Be good to yourself. That's great.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 thanks for Dr. Phil coming through.

Speaker 1 That was a little awkward.

Speaker 1 Lockwood? That was a little.

Speaker 1 Shout out, Matt Lockwood. Matt Lockwood.
That was a little Lockwood.

Speaker 2 Dr. Phil.

Speaker 2 He's different. He's a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, he's...

Speaker 1 What's the word I'm looking for? He's a little.

Speaker 1 Skinnier?

Speaker 2 He's skinnier than I thought.

Speaker 1 That is for sure. Yeah.
That's so sad. But also, you can tell when it hit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can tell, can't you?

Speaker 1 No, be real.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can tell when the edibles kick.

Speaker 1 It hit, and then his eyes, you could tell, like... Ripped.
Ripped, and then he didn't know really what he was talking about. He drank piss.

Speaker 2 I mean, this guy is...

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 1 It's so gross.

Speaker 2 But did he help solve anything in the studio?

Speaker 1 No, not at all. He made it worse.

Speaker 2 He tried to get Carlos to keep using.

Speaker 2 Fancy definitely is not in support of Carlos for sobriety, which is

Speaker 1 honestly,

Speaker 2 I'm annoyed, but it's like, well, how do I really dictate how mad I am? Let's talk about the year in general.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about the year in general? Please,

Speaker 1 we had some great moments this year, but we've had some dark times.

Speaker 5 We have to go through those to get to the light.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, one day sober. Whoa, one day sober.
Fucking Yoda now. What the fuck? Andre Andre says, I'm not even one day.

Speaker 5 Hey, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It works if you work it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, you know, it's, you know, to

Speaker 1 as a family, we went through a lot of tough times. We had some good times.
But, you know, at the end of the day, we're still standing and we will move forward.

Speaker 2 We're sitting right now.

Speaker 1 Okay. We'll be sitting and we'll sit forward.

Speaker 2 We'll sit forward. I am leaning forward.

Speaker 1 I know you are. And we will continue.
I imagine us doing this for many good years.

Speaker 2 One

Speaker 1 We're done?

Speaker 1 No, I'll be real. No,

Speaker 1 I think till 2025 for sure, though.

Speaker 2 I'd say 2030.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's a lot.

Speaker 1 Well, you won't be here. You won't be here.

Speaker 1 You won't be here. Yeah, you'll be directing fucking commercials or something then.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 But you know what kind? It'll be like...

Speaker 1 Industrial commercial. Yes, 100%.

Speaker 2 Or you know what? He'll be washer dryer. It'll be like combo washer dryer.

Speaker 2 Do you want to wash and also dry at the same time?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, he'll be directing bullshit like that for sure.
I think I can predict what we're going to be in the next couple of years.

Speaker 1 I think Carlos, in five years, is no longer going to be in L.A. What? Just hear me out.

Speaker 1 He's going to be one of those guys that's going to live amongst other people like him in an island, do beads. Whoa.
You know what I mean? A lot of smells. I like this.

Speaker 1 Like lighting, like, you know what I mean? Powders and stuff. Okay.

Speaker 2 Where's McCone going to be?

Speaker 1 McCone is going to go back to Minnesota. Yeah.
Yeah. He'll have to.
I mean, that's my prediction. You're going to be back in Minnesota, but you're the bigwig.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You're going to be in part of some sort of like,

Speaker 1 you know, a design.

Speaker 1 You're going to do something with design.

Speaker 2 That's the name of your design firm is Bigwig.

Speaker 1 Bigwig. What design?

Speaker 1 Bigwig Design. It's going to be in Minneapolis.
You'll have an office. What about Fancy?

Speaker 1 Fancy's, I like industrial commercials.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Oh, we mean that.
Yes. Okay, good.
He's not working for us anymore then, if I view it. Okay.
What about Jetsky?

Speaker 1 Jetsky's going to be, and this is where it turns bad. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 This one's going to hurt. This one's going to hurt.
It had to be. It's going to hurt us, not you.
What? You're going to be a huge comedian.

Speaker 1 You'll have your own talk show. Oh, like big, like super fat.
Yeah. Like, yeah.
Yeah. No, she will gain weight.
Yeah, a lot. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I'm a woman.
And her new name is going to be Roly Poly.

Speaker 1 Roly Poly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the introduction of the song, Roly Poly.

Speaker 1 That's it. And she's going to roll down this hill, right? Like, you know, like, you know, like a pill bug.
Yes. And you'll come out like that, right? Yeah.
And you'll go, you ready to have some fun?

Speaker 4 Right. Everyone in the audience arena is wearing roly-poly shirts.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 Roly poly bug glasses.

Speaker 1 And then you will delete us from your phone.

Speaker 2 You'll delete us from your phone.

Speaker 1 You will delete us from your phone.

Speaker 1 You will go, oh, like when we come up, let's say something to me. About us.

Speaker 1 I'm Jesse in the future. Oh.

Speaker 1 Jess, it's been so long. How

Speaker 1 about roly-poly?

Speaker 2 No, we know you're Roly Poly.

Speaker 1 And do you love it, though? It's so cool. It's through the scales, up in the fucking heavens.

Speaker 2 So you lost your ability to talk?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 You got so famous you couldn't formulate for

Speaker 2 me.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, you know, when I go down that hill, dude, that's for real. And I do it every show.
So,

Speaker 2 how come you haven't gotten contact with us again? We've been calling you to come back on the Bad Friend show. And you excuse me?

Speaker 1 We just would. You're not an interviewer from News.

Speaker 2 It's me, it's Andrew.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 4 hey, hey, Roly, it's Bobby.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 you're the sound guy, right?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, but yeah, I've been doing it part-time, but I was wondering if you wanted to.

Speaker 1 What's the text?

Speaker 2 Whoa, you know what? You're going to be doing in five years.

Speaker 1 Sound.

Speaker 1 Oh, the sound guy now. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner.

Speaker 4 Like old times?

Speaker 1 We get a

Speaker 4 tomahawk steak.

Speaker 1 Roly Poly is fine. Roly Poly Poly is fine.
It's a therapy thing. No, like she just goes into herself.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so sad.

Speaker 1 It's so sad. All right, what happens to me in five years? You're not my driver?

Speaker 1 The Sonic people have drivers?

Speaker 1 I just got an Uber X.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not Uber. You got an Uber X? No, I'm Lyft.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're Lyft? Yeah. Okay, well, we got to get to the airport.
I have to drive you?

Speaker 2 Yes. Where are you headed?

Speaker 1 Well, my private plane.

Speaker 1 You think you're

Speaker 2 a sound guy has a private plan?

Speaker 1 No, you're the sound guy. I'm Jesse still.
You're you. Oh, right now? Right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 I got to say this.

Speaker 2 You are going to be working sound on Roly Poly Live shows. Yeah.
And I'm going to be the driver.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be the local driver.

Speaker 1 I know. I know.
This is where we are in five years. I know.

Speaker 2 The team is dismantled. Carlos has fallen in love.
He's moved to Texas.

Speaker 2 He's opened up a business of bead making. You're correct.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 McCone, by the way, couldn't get to Minneapolis. He got to Duluth instead.

Speaker 1 Couldn't get all the way back to Minneapolis. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 And the only thing you got wrong, because all this is right, because you know, I've seen the future,

Speaker 2 is the fancy part.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 2 Did not get to direct one commercial.

Speaker 1 I know. Not one.
I know. Close, though.
Pretty close.

Speaker 2 Pretty close. They were considering.

Speaker 1 They met with the ad agency.

Speaker 2 And they liked him.

Speaker 2 He was in the.

Speaker 1 They didn't understand it. He was in the mix.

Speaker 2 They didn't understand that.

Speaker 1 They didn't understand it.

Speaker 1 What's your vision?

Speaker 2 My vision is to.

Speaker 1 Okay, we can't.

Speaker 2 We have to have someone with some more clear, concise answers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's it in five. But the next year, we'll be still here.

Speaker 2 Next year will be a great big year for Bad Friends. We are finally going to announce our down-under tour dates.
We have 10 cities we're playing.

Speaker 2 We really appreciate it. I mean this.
We got the numbers and the tickets that we sold this year, the cities that we played. It was monumental.
It was like one of the best years

Speaker 1 to sell this year. Around 100,000.

Speaker 1 100,000 people came to go see us.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's insane.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. Thank you for being bad friends.