You're A Good Boy, Bobby Lee!

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 1 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 1 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 2 Hey friends, we got new new merch.

Speaker 2 Okay, guys, so check out these beanies. These beanies are high quality.
Very high quality. Yeah, I love them.
So I love the way they turned out, dude.

Speaker 2 These, if you're not, you're not cool if you don't have one. You're not cool if you don't have one.
We're back to the old school. The OG.
Our OG face is on here. It says bad friends on the back.

Speaker 2 Turn around and show them what it looks like on the back. The shirts are so high quality.
These are so comfortable. Oh, look at that, dude.
The OG is back. Go to bad friends merch.com.

Speaker 2 Badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Probably you two or something. They're bad friends.

Speaker 2 First of all, I have to say some great things have happened in the last week. Wow.
And what I want to say is

Speaker 2 what's happened. Congress is back in session.

Speaker 2 They've been in session. What? It's great when they are.

Speaker 2 It's great when they are, because I want them to keep going. Why are you doing political? No, I'm just telling you the good things that are happening this last week.
What's good about that? Who cares?

Speaker 2 I couldn't think of something good so i just said that yeah the lizard people were back yeah yeah the lizard people are back licking each other in a room

Speaker 2 what strike didn't weren't we in one the actor strike yeah it's over it's over i've been out there every day

Speaker 2 you're by yourself and i i should have said something i drove by you there today you're by yourself i've been sitting out there at paramount it's so sad what does your sign say what i mooned like four executives today yeah

Speaker 2 What does my sign say? Bring back two and a half men. It also says red lives matter.
I don't even know that means.

Speaker 2 I said red life matters. Oh, red life matters.
I was attacked by a security guard outside of Warner Brothers. Anyway, it was racially charged.
Yeah. There's no doubt in my mind.
What else is going on?

Speaker 2 This last week,

Speaker 2 this week was huge.

Speaker 2 I just got back from Vegas. Yeah, you did, right? Vegas was,

Speaker 2 dude. Can I just say this? That video you had with Bert and at that party.
Sucking on his titties. Was it the best party? Sucking on your titties like you won and me calling it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, peaches, dude. I love her.
And also, you know,

Speaker 2 that party I'll I'll never be invited to. This is my favorite kid.
I love it. This is my favorite kitchen.
I want to be a part of the peace. But I'm going to Tim Dylan's party Sunday.

Speaker 2 You're going to go? Yeah, I'm going. Let's go.
I'm going. What else happened? Hold on.
I need to be. A lot of butterflies hatched this week.
Where? From cocoons?

Speaker 2 Is it like a Hollywood thing?

Speaker 2 I need to call someone. Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 I need to call someone. I know.
I have people I can call too, then.

Speaker 2 It's not a competition. Yeah.
I have cool people I can call. No.
Yeah, I want to call someone cool, too.

Speaker 3 I have someone cool, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It just made me mad because what you just said was such a like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, who said that? Who are you calling? I was calling Leanne Chryser because

Speaker 2 I literally said at the party,

Speaker 2 I go, Bobby would love this. This was so fun.
And then, and she goes,

Speaker 2 she goes, yeah, he got all upset about the Burt, you know, they offered you to go on the tour or something like that. And you're like saying you never get invited.

Speaker 2 If you get invited to stuff all the time, you just say no.

Speaker 2 You have a no means yes in my.

Speaker 2 Not to people in the business. No means no.
No.

Speaker 2 No means yes for me, though. No is no.
Hey, yeah, Bobby. No, never means yes.
In this? What? No, means no? No. Yeah, yeah.
But I'm just saying, me personally, no means yes.

Speaker 2 Anyway. And no, no.
Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it. But how cute, though.

Speaker 2 I did mention to Leanne how much I wish you were at the party. You would have liked it.
I love her. It was so funny.
I love her. It was so much fun.

Speaker 2 Bert was doing his Bert thing, like holding down the fort.

Speaker 2 If Bert ever leaves her, I'm going to slide in. You're going to slide in on Leanne.
Yeah. You think you're motherly, dude? Well, yeah, she's nurturing mother.
She's cool. House is clean.

Speaker 2 House is beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Leanne Lee.

Speaker 2 Leanne. Leanne, Bert.
Watch out, dog. It's just me, Leanne Lee.
Yeah. What if she would have a Southern and Asian accent? She's like, it's just me, Leanne.
Lee.

Speaker 2 Well, do the Southern and Asian at the same time. Watch out, man.

Speaker 2 You can't do an Asian and Southern at the same time? So hard to do. Hey, ho, man.

Speaker 2 I own Chang Williams, man.

Speaker 2 Chang Williams, man.

Speaker 2 From the Deepo South.

Speaker 2 Y'all want to go to Cracker Barrel? Let's go to Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 You just nailed it, dude.

Speaker 2 What else happened this week? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What? No, nothing else. Oh, yeah.
Nothing really important.

Speaker 2 Jet ski got passed at the comedy store. Let's give it up for the big Jet Ski.

Speaker 2 You know, we were there at your showcase. We were there.
We were there.

Speaker 2 You told us to leave. Yeah, you did.
You were like, you're like, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 3 Usually you guys do your spots in bounce. And the timing of it was probably an hour, hour and a half until I go up.
So I didn't want any like pressure on you to stay.

Speaker 2 Pressure on us to stay? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're American citizens and we make decisions. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I pay my taxes sometimes and dude, dude, you know.

Speaker 3 I was also worried that I go up there and everyone in the room is just going to be like, Bobby and Andrew are here.

Speaker 2 Bobby and Andrew are here. Yeah.
They did. They did.

Speaker 2 They kept turning around. Should we laugh? And we're like, laugh.

Speaker 2 Bobby. And they laugh.

Speaker 2 Right before you got on stage, went like this. You went, fucking laugh.
Laugh. Right.
And then they would turn to me and I go, right? And they go,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? And they would turn. They would laugh at places they weren't supposed to laugh because they didn't really know

Speaker 2 in your act, you know what I mean? But, you know, I would go, no, no, no, no, no. That's a setup.
Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. So, you know, we directed them.

Speaker 3 You guys were my stage moms.

Speaker 2 No, you know, would Neil, Neil Brennan made fun of us, huh?

Speaker 2 Neil Brennan ripped us apart. Yeah, so what? I'm not afraid he's

Speaker 2 made fun of us. He was.
We did get made fun of. We got made fun of.
Yeah, that we were a little stage mommy because we were standing by the booth and we were both smiling. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we were holding each other. We were

Speaker 2 cuddling a little bit. Yeah, yeah.
There was no more room. All the seats were sold out.
And you went up there to a packed room, sold-out house, standing room only. Literally, people

Speaker 2 were like, Yeah, it was incredible. What a magical night.
And you had to follow a tough, tough run because it went

Speaker 2 Allie Wong, Neil.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Rick Ingram or no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Before Ron, someone went on before Ron and ripped. Oh, I know Fihe Manwar.
Fihe. Yeah, and then Ron Gran.
Alley Wong, Fihehe Manwar, Ron G,

Speaker 2 three killers. I mean, and everyone

Speaker 2 really, really was doing well. No, he didn't do as good.

Speaker 3 As good? Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 What do you say? As good as the other people?

Speaker 3 No, dude. I felt great about it.

Speaker 2 She's a girl. You killed her.
Of course, she's not going to do well. No, no, she's a girl.

Speaker 2 Honest with you. You did so great.
Not just great. You did better than Ron G.

Speaker 3 Well, we don't need to be afraid of it.

Speaker 2 That's because you're racist, dude. That's so.

Speaker 2 I really do believe that. Racist again.
The laughs you were getting, dude, were real. I have.
And I went, I just went. I cheered up, dude.
I was proud of our little girl. Yeah, I got you.

Speaker 2 That would make me cry. Proud of my kid.
You ripped, and now you're regular. You get to call in.
And the best part is now you're going to get really late night spots. That's my favorite.

Speaker 2 So last night what happened?

Speaker 3 That's the night my first spot in the main room.

Speaker 2 Guess who brought me up? Who did?

Speaker 2 The Bob, you brought her on? Yeah. What time was your spot?

Speaker 3 Oh, he gave me the most beautiful intro, and he said.

Speaker 2 Let me say something to you right now. I give the best intros in L.A.

Speaker 3 history, dude. I know.
I was waiting for you.

Speaker 2 Of all the comics I give. Ask anybody.
I give the best intros of the world. Give me your...

Speaker 2 I'm bringing you up, Carlos. Just give me your name.

Speaker 2 I know your name.

Speaker 2 I forgot for a second, right? This next guy, dude. Hold on, hold on.
This guy's a regular at our club?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. he's showcasing.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Can you make sure you, yeah, is this at the oh hot dog venue? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Can you make sure that you say that while you're doing the intro with me? And we're also in Lankers. Where are we at? We're Ottery Park? Modesto.
Modesto. We're in Modesto.
The Oh Hot Dog Comedy Club.

Speaker 2 The Oh Hot Dog Comedy Club at Modesto Comedy. Opening weekend.
That's how bad we are. Let's hear it.
We get Carlos. Let's hear it.
As our first opening weekend headlines.

Speaker 2 Guys, next guy coming to stage, man. Dude, in terms of like the king of all holes, glory holes, this guy, top three, dude.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 Right? Number two, dude, he's not even like the brown kind of Mexican. He's the, I know, but in terms of like the upper snooty Mexican.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. He's top of the line, dude.
Wow. Wow.
This guy sounds like he's going to be great. Right.
He's like the CEO of Baja Fresh. Whoa.
That kind of Mexican. And here he is? And no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to. Wow.
He's also, dude,

Speaker 2 he's only had warts twice.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Right? He's had warts twice. And then also on top of it, dude, he's like,

Speaker 2 dude, in terms of drug addict,

Speaker 2 he should be the president of all that. President of Drug Addict.
Of drug addictness. Ladies and gentlemen.
And alcoholism. Carlos.
And I'd go, last night, I would say to the side. Herrero.
Herrero.

Speaker 2 First joke out of the gate. They come out.
Herrero. They come out.
First joke out of the gate. Go.

Speaker 2 Throw my hat out. Hat off.

Speaker 2 A physical joke. No, we want a joke, a stand-up joke.

Speaker 2 And what's your opening joke? You're 45 minutes. And I have to do an opening joke.
I would literally take my hat off. And that's not a joke.
It's not a joke. That's like I walk off.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 That's what I would do. Well, then, I'm going to call you into the office.
I'm the manager. Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
Yeah, man. What's going on? Hey, Andrew, how are you? Hey, man.

Speaker 2 Don't call me Mr. Santino if you don't mind.

Speaker 2 And I'm Mr. Lee.
Thank you. Like, you're.

Speaker 2 Okay, let me just. Can I ask you something? Mr.
Lee. I know the way he did that.
I know. I know.
Mr. Lee, yes.
What's his name? Mr. Santino.

Speaker 2 Sit down. Sit down.
Sit down.

Speaker 2 You called us and said, may I headline? So we agreed. Well, and begrudgingly, it was only because Earthquake fell out.
Yeah, Earthquake.

Speaker 2 We tried to get Hurricane Tsunami. Both of them out of town.
Out of town. Hurricane Tsunami.
All natural disaster comics out of town. Are out of town.
Then we tried to get hamburger. Uh-huh.
Right?

Speaker 2 I mean, we're the old hot dog. Obviously, we need to get hamburger.
And then you know the Chucky Ducky. Chucky Ducky couldn't do it.
And you know Shrimp and Grits. You know him.
Shrimp and Grits.

Speaker 2 He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it.
He was busy. Yeah.
So naturally, as we fell down the list,

Speaker 2 we got to you. Which I'm grateful I'm on that list.
And by the way, why did your email say you want to be called the Mexican rexican? What does that even mean? What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 It was just like a signature I had on Gmail. Mexican Rexican is your signature on your email? Yeah, on Gmail.
But like, I just want you to recognize me as that. I don't think so, buddy.

Speaker 2 And your rider is crazy. It says, you want parachute pants? Uh-huh.
But from 89? On parachute? We're not going to get that. 1989 parachute pants.
What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 I need to fly down from something, and I'm hoping the pants will likely be done. Well, what is this? This does on the rider, this says you wanted a Sibian? What do you want? What's a Sibian?

Speaker 2 It's like a vibrating thing. You sit on it and it energizes your.

Speaker 2 Is that for pre-performance stuff? Yeah, it's just so I can loosen up. What's this llama that happens to have scoliosis?

Speaker 2 I don't even know where to find a llama, specifically scoliosis.

Speaker 2 It's like a sexual thing. I don't want to talk with you.
What is this?

Speaker 2 What is this on here that says you need one of the staff members to read you Jack and the Beanstalk when you're done with your set? Yeah. Yeah.
is that like a complicated thing?

Speaker 2 It's like a I have to be naked.

Speaker 2 That happens. I was hoping Mr.
Lee could do that part. Yeah, Mr.
Lee is not telling you, Mr. Santino, that we talked earlier and he was actually talking.

Speaker 2 This is what he said to me, and I forgot to take it because it feels like a lie. It is a lie.
This is what he said. He goes, Um, yo, I he said, Yo, by the way, I'm like, What's up, dude?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 anyway, um,

Speaker 2 what's up, Wayans, Sean Wayans?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have a writer.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 he said, I don't need an opener. Really? I'm going to go up cold.
Really? He went up, he threw his hat down, then he said, good night. The show was 45-second long.

Speaker 2 You thought 45 minutes, 45 seconds. You thought 45 seconds? Wait.
Yeah. No, it said S.
It said seconds on the thing. On the writer, I was like, this is for a 45-second show.

Speaker 2 Did we screw up in it, right? I mean, it could have been, because she's our secretary. It could be a clerical.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been to a stand-up show? Have you ever been to a stand-up show? And the show was 45 seconds long? Yeah, I saw you perform at the comedy store.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Go.
Go fuck him up. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You know what, dude? The bitch's funny, so I'm going to let it go. But holy shit, dude.
Holy shit, that's so funny.

Speaker 2 That was so funny. You're a fucking shit.
Why wasn't that in the show?

Speaker 2 That could have been your opening thing.

Speaker 2 I brought you up, fuckface. But I saved the funny for backstage with Mr.
Lee and Mr. Shaw.
Yeah, you should. You should.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Whatever wants their money back. Everybody's going to get their money back.
Yeah. And here's how we're going to make you pay it back.
Here's the deal.

Speaker 2 We're all going to my mom and dad's house for Thanksgiving. Everyone's going to be there.
What day is that?

Speaker 2 Thanksgiving's almost always on a Thursday.

Speaker 2 Almost. It's almost.
Let me ask you something. Is Halloween always on a specific day? The 31st.
Yeah, it's the 31st. Yeah.
But is it like a Monday, Tuesday?

Speaker 2 Is 31st always a certain day?

Speaker 2 You're conflating two different things. Thanksgiving's always on the Thursday.
Third Thursday. Third Thursday.

Speaker 2 of November. But it's not a specific, the dates change.
The date change. The date does change, unfortunately.
Are you being real? Yeah. Okay, well, that's what I was confused about.

Speaker 2 But you've never known that in 52 years spinning on that shirt. I swear to God, I haven't.
All the time you're sitting on the shirt that it spins around. No.

Speaker 2 I always thought it was like the 26th or something. I never did it.

Speaker 2 Well, you're about to do that. I literally Sunday because Tim Dylan

Speaker 2 has having his Thanksgiving party, so I go, oh, I've never been invited on Thanksgiving at the dinner. He's like, it's not Thanksgiving.
You were invited last year. I was going to say last year.

Speaker 2 You were invited with me last year and you you didn't come. I'm going now.

Speaker 2 You're really going to go this Sunday? Yeah. Good.
Are you going to be? Do you want to go together? No, because I'm bringing somebody.

Speaker 2 Who are you bringing, bad boy?

Speaker 2 Who are you bringing? A friend.

Speaker 2 What I would really like is you and I go to a comics party as each other's dates, but you dress up like the woman and I dress up like a man in a suit and I take you on a nice little date, but you have to be in character all night long.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 But it has to be like a Halloween party, right? Or no? Why? I want it to be real.

Speaker 2 So I just randomly show up to like Tim Dylan's birthday party

Speaker 2 as a woman. I'm going to pick you up.
No, you be the woman. But you're the one.
How come I was with the woman? Listen to the way you said it. You sound like a woman.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Whoa, sounds good. You sound like just a

Speaker 2 deep voice woman. Okay, yeah, yeah.
All right. How'd you do last night?

Speaker 3 It was hard work, but it was good.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, the crowd was a little thin or something?

Speaker 3 Well, last night was who? Mark Marin, Bilber,

Speaker 3 Eliza,

Speaker 2 fucking me, bitch.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, we already know you.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry, my bad. I thought you were leaving me out of it.

Speaker 3 When he introduced me, he gave me this beautiful intro, and he says, So, some of you guys know

Speaker 2 this part. Repeat it.
I'm on this part. Repeat the intro.

Speaker 2 Intro, repeat it.

Speaker 3 What an amazing show we've seen tonight.

Speaker 2 I said that, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 3 And then he said,

Speaker 3 It's gonna get better.

Speaker 2 I don't remember.

Speaker 2 Just what you think I said.

Speaker 3 You said,

Speaker 3 I am going to bring up somebody very special. Some of you guys might know that I have a podcast already.
Murmurs in the crowd. Oh, my God.
Is it him? Is it him?

Speaker 3 She has been such a wonderful addition to our podcast.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 3 I heard an audible, oh.

Speaker 2 No, that's not. That's not true.
That's not true.

Speaker 2 And then he said, oh, my God, you're going to make me so fucking mad right now.

Speaker 3 But then he said that

Speaker 3 she is the newest paid regular.

Speaker 2 That is what happened. No, can I tell you what happened? Okay, you tell me.
Okay, first of all, I said, we have something special coming up. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 As you know, that I have a podcast called Bad Friends.

Speaker 3 They all thought it was Andrew.

Speaker 2 No, three people stood up, right? And I go, I go, she, I go, I go, she, you know, I said, you know, in order to do this stage, you have to get past as a paid regular. And it's a very difficult thing.

Speaker 2 It's a big deal. It's a big deal, right? This girl is our sidekick on Baffin.
She opens for us on the road or something like that. And I go,

Speaker 2 this is her first spot as a paid regular. And I can't, I'm so proud of her, right?

Speaker 2 That's what I fucking said. It made me think about it.
It sounds like that's what you said.

Speaker 3 But it was for real. Literally, there were people in the audience I could hear from backstage going, oh.

Speaker 2 No one said that. Yes, fucking.
You're an idiot, dude. Why would I?

Speaker 2 Because you're delusional. No.

Speaker 2 You're influenced by them.

Speaker 3 Can't you see how that could... And then I walked on stage and I said, like, give it up for Bobby.
That was such a nice intro. And sorry, I'm not Andrew.
And a bunch of people left.

Speaker 2 Yeah, see, that's nice. They left, right? Yeah, they got it.
Well, the reason why they left.

Speaker 3 And it was an all-stars lineup. So they were thinking, Santina's coming up.

Speaker 2 Well, I was originally on the lineup. Yeah.
Yeah. And I had to not be on it.
And then what did you call yourself at backstage? I never heard that before. Riffref.

Speaker 3 Riffreff. After Bobby, I said, this is where the riffreff started.

Speaker 2 So I didn't. Who was after you?

Speaker 2 More riff. I said Quincy.

Speaker 3 Great comics, but

Speaker 2 just so much. But I've never, I've never, because we never, when we were new as a paid regular, we never called ourselves Riffraff.
What'd you call yourself?

Speaker 2 We just thought we were part of the lineup.

Speaker 2 I go, people are at different levels, but it made me sad that you would say that about yourself. Really?

Speaker 3 I was just being self-aware that people come to the comedy store to see stars. So there's a divide in the show where it's like...

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you got, yeah, but you're part of the you're a peer. You're a regular now, so you're a peer, even more so that you got passed.
Your name's going to be written in cursive on that wall.

Speaker 3 It feels so crazy.

Speaker 2 Isn't that kind of cool to be on that wall? Yeah. That's a cool.
What part are you in the wall?

Speaker 2 I've seen urine on my name no less than a dozen times. No, what part? I'm not kidding.
Where? I'm by the back entrance and I'm low to the ground. People have pissed all over the bottom wall.

Speaker 2 Drunk guys pee all over the wall. Can you move yours? I've asked to move it multiple times.
You don't mind this? Where? Up front. You're up front.

Speaker 2 Not just up front, above the main room oh you are yeah next to eddie murphy all the

Speaker 2 your headshot is also right by the original room yeah i mean you've been there for 50 i don't have a headshot in the original room in the main room i do in the hallway leading to the original room i i don't have a headshot in the hallway in the you want to bet

Speaker 2 i swear to god i don't i've never seen a headshot there better money bet me a hundred bucks a hundred bucks i'm gonna go there tonight air shake air shake air shake

Speaker 3 Okay, yeah, but I'm texting the door shake.

Speaker 3 I'm texting the door, guys, because I don't want you moving it.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's smart. So

Speaker 2 it's somebody that put it in there accidentally?

Speaker 3 I saw it last night because I was like, where's my head?

Speaker 2 It's got to be new then. It's got to be new.

Speaker 3 No, it's an old headshot.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.
But they put it up new, maybe. Maybe they just re-put it up.

Speaker 3 Maybe.

Speaker 2 But your headshot, and I got a little mad, I'm sorry. But your headshot of the improv, it's in a very nice place.

Speaker 2 Mine is not. They're moving it next to mine.
Are they really?

Speaker 2 I talked to him. He said they're moving them right.

Speaker 2 He goes, do you want Bobby right next to you? I said, yeah. Because mine's in the back, somewhere weird.

Speaker 2 You're in the hall, but you're going to come up to you and no, I'm not in the hall. I'm in the same hall.
I have three up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have one in the hall, one where the bathroom is, and one tiny one upstairs. Yeah, I have one upstairs.
You're going to be right next to me in that, in that entry. Thank you so much.
Moving me up.

Speaker 2 I want you there.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. It's not moving you up.
It's moving you where you're. No, you're moving where, you know what I mean? Where all the cool people are.
Thank you so much. There are like

Speaker 2 the best. It is.
It's like the highest level of, right? And I'm up with Whitney in the corner of some, you know. I did say that at the party.
That was the first club that passed me.

Speaker 2 The store didn't pass me. The improv passed me first.
Wow. And I still have the email.
It's a great club. I have the email from the day I got passed on my birthday.
You know the chances of that?

Speaker 2 Isn't that insane? I got an email from Eric Abrams at the improv say, congratulations from the improv. You are now allowed to call in for spots.
I have something to share with you.

Speaker 2 It's going to make you mad. Go ahead.
Ellie told me not to say anything. Who these guys did? No, the improv.
What is it?

Speaker 2 I don't know why I do this. What is it? Chime.
You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 2 I was terrible at banking. I was confused.
So bad. Get overdraft charges.
Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money. I didn't know how to manage it.
And also, no one was there to help.

Speaker 2 But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 2 That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 2 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal. You can learn more about it at chime.com slash bad friend.

Speaker 2 Today, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, right? You need a little bit of help. You need a little money quicker than normal because something pops up.
It always does.

Speaker 2 You open up a check-in account. with zero monthly fees and no maintenance fees, and you got access to over 47,000 fee-free ATMs.
That's more than the top three national banks combined.

Speaker 2 All those ATMs are there for you to use and don't get clipped. You got to try QIIME.
Work on your financial goals through Chime today.

Speaker 2 Open an account in two minutes at chime.com/slash bad friends. That's chime.com slash bad friends.
Chime feel like progress.

Speaker 4 Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bank Corporation Bank NA or Stride Bank NA.
Members, FDIC.

Speaker 4 Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file.
Fees apply at out of network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs, according to U.S.

Speaker 4 News and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

Speaker 2 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 2 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 2 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes to feel the results. And this is true.

Speaker 2 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers.
The old ways are gone.

Speaker 2 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 2 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro, H-Y-D-R-O-W dot com.

Speaker 2 Code, of course, is Bad Friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 2 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 Vroom!

Speaker 2 You know, I got my brother a car, and the only way I would go to it is if I went through Vroom, because Vroom is the most reliable, easiest way to get a car so simple because you know what getting a car these days it's hassling it's a nightmare you spend so much time driving around from dealership to dealership trying to find the perfect car negotiating thanks to vroom there is a better way to buy and sell used cars it's so so simple when you go to vroom.com you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone they have all the popular makes and models and no haggle pricing so you know you're getting a good deal best of all they deliver your new ride directly to you come on man you can also sell or trade in your current car on Vroom and they'll pick it up for free.

Speaker 2 They gotta get it for free. Just answer a few questions about your car on the Vroom website.
You're gonna get an offer in as little as two minutes. You got two minutes? Get an offer on your car.

Speaker 2 You got no obligation to sell, so there's nothing to lose. So whether it's buying your next car, selling, or trading in your current one, Vroom has you covered.
Start shopping today at vroom.com.

Speaker 2 That's vroom.com. Bespoke post.
Hey, guys, the holidays are coming. You're here, baby.
Just listen to me right now. The best gift you can give anyone is a box of awesome posts.

Speaker 2 This is the box of awesome.

Speaker 2 What did I get? What box of awesome? What did you get today? I got the stealth, baby. The sideliner pocket knife by Baron Son Cutlery Ultimate 701 Tool Pen.
Money clip key capsule.

Speaker 2 This is pretty incredible. This is the best part.
You don't know what you're getting. It is so much fun to open these up.

Speaker 2 Even if you're not getting it for someone else, you can get this for yourself to get new gifts all the time in the mail. But how rad is that, huh?

Speaker 2 A little penmate with a level around it to make sure that I'm still level.

Speaker 2 You get to go online. All you have to do is take a quiz.
It's not really a quiz because there's no wrong answers, but it helps them build the right box of awesome for you.

Speaker 2 And they release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. And these things are valued around 70 bucks.
You're going to pay a fraction of that price.

Speaker 2 Plus, with each box of awesome, Andrew, you support small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand.
I do love this, man. It's great.

Speaker 2 You get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code BADFRINZ at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code BADFRINES friends for 20% off your first box.

Speaker 2 Boxofawesome.com code bad friends. Tough.
What? I just got a pay bump.

Speaker 2 They're paying you more money to do spots? Yeah, and I go, am I making more than

Speaker 2 they go, yeah? Peep pew.

Speaker 3 And they said, don't tell him.

Speaker 2 It's great.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I go, I will not play in this room unless I always get more. Whoa.
And they go, okay. Than me.

Speaker 3 How much more?

Speaker 2 It's got to be at least 100.

Speaker 2 That's funny because I just do it for the art.

Speaker 2 It's so not true. I don't go for the money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, you don't go to the inner.
Thank you, Improv.

Speaker 2 I'm glad you're a paid regular at the comedy store. And let's all say congratulations to our love, our sweet juice, the Jetsky herself.
Congratulations. I'm getting.

Speaker 2 That's a big deal, man. Do you want to tell us about it?

Speaker 2 You're fired from the show. Sorry, we did say we made a pact, and we said as soon as you get past the story, you're fired from the show.
That was literally a pact, and everybody knows.

Speaker 2 And it's kind of a bummer that we didn't tell you earlier, but we're telling you how you're telling me. Yes,

Speaker 3 are you for real? Yep, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 This is how you know. You hurt, though.

Speaker 3 Well, I feel weird that this public firing.

Speaker 2 I know. So, if we're being honest, uh, make sure you don't like, don't wiggle in too much into the chair.
We'd like someone else's butt to be able to be fitting.

Speaker 3 You guys are crazy. I don't believe you.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 can't imagine never doing shows with you.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 We're probably going to. Flip it.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, because,

Speaker 2 you know, I went through some hard times and stuff

Speaker 2 eight months ago, whatever, and

Speaker 2 I had the right kind of person to go on the road with.

Speaker 2 All of you. But you are involved in that.
Big time. That I went, your temperament, your support, your

Speaker 2 positivity was just something I needed at the time. Unmatched.
Unmatched. But now I think your attitude is insane.

Speaker 2 Take that back. But I really, no, I really can't imagine not ever knowing you.
Oh, my God. I mean, I don't think that you would betray me.

Speaker 3 Never. I would never betray you.

Speaker 2 People have betrayed. People betrayed, dude.
People betrayed, dude. Nobody in this room.
No, no one in this room.

Speaker 2 If someone were going to betray,

Speaker 2 it would go Carlos and then McCone. I think McCone first for sure.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't betray.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you didn't do that for me. You did that for laughs and also i'll tell you why you would no fries

Speaker 2 yeah yeah no fries you get a bad ever since this is not even a lie dude ever since i saw that hamburger with no fries that right there was worse than not getting it that's i'd rather get not a hamburger i can't let this go on any longer that was my call no no no no you're eating who you're a part i was with mccone in the car and i told him not to get fries why what's your logic and you waited a whole week to tell us this i was projecting because i wouldn't want fries because i'm trying to stay trim So you get a double double cheeseburger from fucking in and out and that's how you're staying trim?

Speaker 2 Well, protein style half the time.

Speaker 2 He didn't get protein style. Yeah, but he doesn't eat the extra fries and salt.
Whoa. Oh my God.
You're saying he's fat? Yeah. He is.
You're saying he's fat. But I'm saying he's

Speaker 2 a kid. It's McCone's responsibility to go, no, dude.
Thank you, buddy. I'm going to get the fries.
No, no, no, no. That's his challenge.
Carlos, you're not exempt, you fuckhead. No, he's saying.

Speaker 2 He's saying you both fucked up. McCone should have been like, no, I bet you he wants fries.

Speaker 2 And your dumbass shouldn't have stepped in the way of projecting about his weight because you think he's overweight.

Speaker 2 You're overweight. No, you're not.
Allie said it the other day. Who? In front of you, Allie Wong.
Because she weighs about nine pounds. I know, but she looked at, she goes, This is what she said.

Speaker 2 We were in the kitchen. Yeah, I know.
And she looks at you. She goes, what are you doing? You look so good.
And you're like, I'm doing this and this, right? Yeah, but why is he shaped like that?

Speaker 2 She said, and why are you still shaped like that? Yeah, yeah. And I looked at her.
I'm like, ha ha ha. But at least you retained.
That means you retain. You stayed the same.
She sees you the same.

Speaker 2 You're not overweight. I know.
I am a little. No, you're not.
I'm fine. I love it.

Speaker 2 I feel great.

Speaker 2 I do have arthritis, but yeah, I'm fine. Dude, we're falling apart.
We're falling apart. I went to the doctor and I'm on fucking...
Oh,

Speaker 2 I'm on Levitra. What is it called? Levitra.
Levitra? No, I've said it wrong three times. Levitrol.

Speaker 3 Did you talk about what happened in the hotel room?

Speaker 2 What is this for? That's for erectile dysfunction. Oh, yeah.
No, not. I'm on Lipitor.
Lipator. La Vitra's boner pills.
I'm not on those. Why?

Speaker 2 I don't need them. Honestly, I'm not against boner pills, but I don't need them.
I am still very blessed.

Speaker 2 You know, one day when I was fucking like 16 years old, I remember like an ad came on about boner pills, and my dad, my dad, like really slyly was smoking a cigarette, and he's like, you're never going to need those.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what? And he's like, runs into family. You got strong blood.
You said that? Yeah, I was like, holy shit, my dad's still good. You got Clint Eastwood? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm hard on it now. And then he said,

Speaker 2 just the way he smokes. And then he said something about,

Speaker 2 he's like, get out of here, Koreans. He was all, you know, he got real plenty of

Speaker 2 real Eastwoody. Yeah, right.
I'm on Lipitor right now. High cholesterol, high triglyceride level.
So my doctor put me on this. My young Asian doctor put me on this.
And what is that supposed to do?

Speaker 2 Lipitor. Make it so I don't have a stroke or heart attack.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I already have a bad ticker, as everybody knows.

Speaker 2 my heart's bad. I've got a fucking murmur, have a hole in my heart.
And he said my cholesterol levels were high.

Speaker 2 And he said, have you experiencing any semblance of high stress, traveling a lot, being near a Korean for an extended period of time? Dude. And I said, no, not that I can remember.

Speaker 2 I had a dream that you died. Don't.
Why?

Speaker 2 Why would you do that? Can I just say something? No, it's good. It's good that I die.
No, but how I did it. You killed him? What the fuck? You kill me in your dream? No, no.
Let me explain.

Speaker 2 We'll get through it. Right.
I don't know how you die. You know, you don't know the details, but I remember me making decisions of like leaving the country.

Speaker 2 And just, I remember just living in like a cottage. Like, my complete life changed.
So when I die, that's your e-pray love moment? When I die, you get to go on a journey and find yourself?

Speaker 2 No, that's where I die in a cottage by myself in France eating cheese and wine. What the fuck are you talking about? So I die, so you go kill yourself? You slowly eat.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I love you so much, and if you die, it would just devastate me. It sounds like a happy story.

Speaker 2 It sounds like you quit the pod, you took the money, you moved away. What money?

Speaker 2 From my death. I'm in your will?

Speaker 2 Not anymore.

Speaker 2 Not if you're having dreams about it. Yeah, yeah.
You're on my life insurance. Do you have a will? You're on my life insurance.
Do you have a will? I do. I have a will, too.
You're on my will.

Speaker 2 You're not on mine. And I want you to put, I want to put it on.
I'm not on your will. I just didn't consider it until now.

Speaker 2 I'm I'm going to call my guy. I said, if any sort of revenue from this company in the event of my death would all go to you.
Well, no, in your death, half of it would go to your family. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, I cut my family out. You think I want those pigs with my money? I saw awesome.
They're going to spend it on bad stuff. Right.
I want it to go to you. Yeah.
My family. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you get family members? I get cousins. Asking for money.
Yeah, I've been getting it this week a lot. I had, I had.
Out of nowhere. A guy I haven't talked to in 30 years.

Speaker 2 Yo, man, I need 15 grand. I go, are you out of your side? Start with one.
$15,000? Are you out of your fucking mind? That's so much money, dude.

Speaker 2 I mean, I could get it if it was like my mom, she needed surgery. Anything for your mom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would piss in for your mom.

Speaker 2 You know, my titty. What's wrong? My titty gone.
My titty's gone? Yeah, it died. Well, let me taste them.
I'll find out if they're okay. I would not taste my mom's titty.
It's gone.

Speaker 2 Let me taste your mom's titties.

Speaker 2 It's getting weird. How do you say good boy in Korean? I don't know.

Speaker 2 And it's so funny. How do you not know how to say good boy? I never called him that.
That's right. Oh, Jeff.
Oh, Jess. God, you're so quick.
You saw me. How do you speak? Good boy in Korean.

Speaker 2 Imagine me kissing on your mom's boobs while she says that. I would say yamjane.
Yamjane? What is that? He's a nice guy. Nice.

Speaker 2 Chagahan Sonyon.

Speaker 2 Sonyon? That's Chagahan.

Speaker 5 Chakan Sonyon.

Speaker 2 Chakakan Sonyan. Chakan Son.
Chakan is nice. So that's me.
I'm kissing on your mom's booby seas. Chakan Sonyan.
Chakan Sonyan.

Speaker 2 Chakan Sonyan.

Speaker 2 By the way, my new nickname? With your mom today? I don't need to do that because I just want to say. Chakan Sonyan.
Chakan Sonyan. Oh, my God.
Chakan Sonyan. Sonyan.
Please don't stop.

Speaker 2 Here, look, I'm your mom.

Speaker 5 Takan Sunyan. Takan Sunyan.

Speaker 5 Takan Sunyan.

Speaker 5 Takan Sunyan.

Speaker 5 Takan Sunyan. Takan Sun Yun.

Speaker 2 Takan Sun Yun. Stop.
Right. Stop.
Stop.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 Now there's going to be fucking t-shirts with

Speaker 2 Sony.

Speaker 2 I got to deal with it.

Speaker 2 We had somebody make a t-shirt of Bobby's mom with her titties and she's sucking on his bread. Chuck on Sonya.
Deal with it. Please.
No more. No more about my mom.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I died, what would you do?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Please don't ever.
No, but just listen. Sinaire, I want to know.
I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
I already. What would you do?

Speaker 3 I'd have a charity event at the comedy store.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd raise money and she'd take it all. Should we quit this thing and start a band and be happy without Hollywood?

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 a lot of my fears and my sadness comes from Hollywood. So yeah, maybe.
We should quit it. Yeah.
I don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 3 Hollywood is scary, and I watch just to kind of change subjects a bit, but that movie you're in. What movie? Fool's Paradise.

Speaker 3 I didn't even know you were in it, and you opened it up a small scene, but that's all about Hollywood and the industry.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Charlie Day. Charlie,

Speaker 2 my buddy Charlie Day did a movie called Fool's Paradise. It's great.

Speaker 3 I loved your cameo in it.

Speaker 2 You liked the movie?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I liked it a lot. I thought it was really funny.

Speaker 2 It was me and actually I got tagged in it. People say it's me and you.
Yeah, I also thought it was going to be Bobby. Should have been.
No, it's fine. I love Ken.

Speaker 3 I thought it was you about halfway through the kids.

Speaker 2 What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at, dude? I'm not laughing. Yeah, you are.

Speaker 3 How come you keep picking roles with other Koreans that aren't Bobby?

Speaker 2 They hand it to me. They asked me to do it with other Koreans, and I keep fighting to do it with Bobby.
But

Speaker 2 if I'm going to make an announcement here, I will. I'll say it.
I'll say it even though it's not done yet. But Bob and I are doing an animated series right now.

Speaker 2 We're working on it literally right now. We just had a call about it a couple hours ago.
We're going to be doing a little animation.

Speaker 3 You're not going to replace him.

Speaker 2 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 3 Because he keeps working with all these other Koreans.

Speaker 2 Do you know how Hollywood works?

Speaker 3 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 This is what we do together.

Speaker 2 And when it comes to everything else,

Speaker 2 you know, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah. Everything's fine.
I know my place in the world, and I'm very happy. It's a good place.
I enjoy my life. What are you going to do for Christmas, by the way?

Speaker 2 I kill myself.

Speaker 2 I kill myself. So you're getting me a gift.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Finally. Are you going to go back to Arizona and see your mom for Christmas? I might have to, yeah.
I need something, you know. You really just bummed me out just now, man.
I did? Yeah.

Speaker 3 What? because i reminded you about all the other koreans andrew works with

Speaker 2 i love it i love what you're doing right now

Speaker 2 well you can rest easy i won't be in beef season two why i died

Speaker 2 you never watched it they shot me in the head oh they shot me in the face i don't know i think they might bring you back yeah two good friends of mine are now riding on that show

Speaker 2 uh really

Speaker 2 dumbfounded oh yeah yeah dumbfounded yeah yeah and gene gene yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah it's rad it's great rad

Speaker 2 Well, I had a fun little weekend in Vegas, and I'm sad that I came back early because I didn't go to go to F1, but boy, oh boy, did I have fun out there? F1? Tell me about it.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's just, I didn't get to see F1, but I got to hang out with some of the other people that were in it. It was wild to like.
Give me a name. You don't know F1, do you?

Speaker 2 No, but there are celebrities there you hanging out with? No. I mean, F1 guys are celebrities in the F1 world, but if you don't know.
Do you drivers? Yeah, do you know who Lando Norris is?

Speaker 2 Carlos Sands. Bush? Yeah.
But that's NASCAR.

Speaker 2 Kyle Bush? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wrong game. Is it a machine, though? You're driving around on a machine? F1? It's different level.
It's this, dude. All right, all right, I learned.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 3 I don't know anything yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, those guys, I mean, it's just impressive to watch them operate.
But the NASCAR drivers, you guys are also very talented. I mean, it's cockfighting like that?

Speaker 2 Is there like different levels? Oh, yeah. Topcock? Topcock.
Oh, Topcock is different than just regular streets. Topcock on Netflix.
It's one of the best shows out there. Oh, really? Top Cock.

Speaker 2 Who has the best cock fighting skills? You have no idea who Top Cock is right now? Orlando Filandro won Top Cock this season. Is that a real guy?

Speaker 2 Are you joking? Orlando Frolandro won Topcock. Orlando Fernando? Orlando Frolando.
He won Topcock this year. Really? And where is he from? Spain? He's a Cuban guy that lives in fucking Miami.

Speaker 2 And his chicken, his cock. Yeah, and he comes out with his cock and he goes

Speaker 2 to intimidate the the other topic. Really? Yeah.
Wow. He says, Ferlando is here.

Speaker 2 And everyone hates it. And what are those? Are there cocks? What are their names? Like his cock.
What's his cock's name?

Speaker 2 His cock must retire. I mean, how many fights can they do?

Speaker 2 Fuddy. You don't know anything about cock fighting.
They retire when they die.

Speaker 2 They fight to the death. Oh, so he's been alive.
So his main cock, what's his name? Orlando's cock.

Speaker 2 The name of, it's called Orlando's Cock. That's the joke.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Because if I saw Orlando's Cock, I go, hey, Orlando's Cock. You'd go, hey, nice cock.
Jimmy? No, Orlando's Cock. Hi, Jimmy.
And he walks out. He goes, who wants to see Orlando's Cock?

Speaker 2 That's what he does when he comes out. Yeah.
Wow. I had no idea.
And that's kind of his. Top Cock on Netflix.
Top Cock on Netflix. Download it right now.

Speaker 2 Is it all about him or are there other cock fighters? Well, he's featured because he won this season. But give me another guy.
That's maybe his nemesis.

Speaker 2 Orlando's nemesis? Yeah. Miami Jibine.

Speaker 2 They're all from... They're all Cubans that live in.
Oh, Orlando. So Miami-Jabine.
Miami-Jabine. Jabin.
Yeah, Miami Jabin. Lives in Miami, too.
Say it like Miami-Jabin. Miami-Jabine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's one of the other ones. Right.
And then, does he have a cock? Oh, he's got a real nice cock. What's it called? Marcus?

Speaker 2 That's what he called it. Marcus.
Marcus, I think. Has Marcus and Orlando.
Did Orlando's cock fight before? They fought in season one or two. But I thought they fight to the death.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they fought in season one or two.

Speaker 3 You know who I'm rooting for.

Speaker 2 So he no longer, one of them no longer exists, Marcus. Marcus died.

Speaker 3 Marcus is gone.

Speaker 3 There's an undercard, though. Susan Smith.

Speaker 2 Oh, Susan Smith is pretty good.

Speaker 3 She lives in Florida, but her cock is crazy.

Speaker 2 Crazy. Susan Smith's cock is.
Really nice.

Speaker 2 Is it nice? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This cock can knit. It knits right before a fight.

Speaker 2 Maybe one of the nicest cocks I've ever seen.

Speaker 3 She's from Connecticut, but she moved for the competition.

Speaker 2 Whoa. And they have the little

Speaker 2 knives.

Speaker 2 Razors. Razors.
Razors, dude.

Speaker 3 They don't have hands, so hold on.

Speaker 2 If you're gonna talk about stuff, let me see the fucking show.

Speaker 2 I know, but do they have the little razors?

Speaker 3 Yeah, Susan's cocking shredded.

Speaker 2 Is there a company that makes that or is it like dueling companies?

Speaker 2 You know, because at F1 we have the dueling car companies and this and that and brands. Uh-huh.
So does like the razors have their own? Oh, companies that make the razor. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, cock cutters out of cock cutters is what that's out of Dallas, Texas, probably some of the best. Yeah, cock cutters.
Anything from different lands or like a different country? Well,

Speaker 2 you think the Philippines probably. I don't know if I should mention this now, given what's going on in the world right now.

Speaker 2 Israel.

Speaker 2 Israel probably made some of the best cock-cutting tools of all time. Wow.
I mean, Israel probably made some of the best cock-cutting tools,

Speaker 2 but they're not using them right now because of what's going on over there. I see.

Speaker 2 But you could still probably get stuff on black market.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 if I had a cock I was raising and I want the best Israeli

Speaker 2 cot cutter. Cut cutter.
Yeah. I could probably get it in the black market.

Speaker 3 Honestly, the black market has the best cocks.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Some would argue that the black market has the best cocks, but.
The black market has the best cut cutter. Cock cutters.
And cocks.

Speaker 2 No one's afraid. But people are so afraid to use them.
Well, they're probably supposed to be heavy.

Speaker 2 I tell you, when they hit you, they hurt.

Speaker 2 I bet. Yeah.
Just lugging that around.

Speaker 2 It's just bigger than normal. It's bigger than usual.
I want lightweight, like NASA shit. Right.
Well, if I had a cock, I would have lightweight, like a small little Asian one.

Speaker 2 You want a tiny little Asian cock. Yeah, from maybe from China.
Well, little China lightweight one. Well, you do.
You get you can get there's different leagues. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You get to the yellow league. There's a yellow card league.
There is. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I tell you what, though, once you get one of those black cocks, you never turn it back.

Speaker 2 Once you get a black cock, you never turn it back. Oh, so once you let that in the arena, right, you'll never go back.
Never.

Speaker 2 You'll never get a little Asian one. Well, why would you? It's just once you've graduated, you know? Okay.
You don't go from a four-door car down to a fucking smart car, you know?

Speaker 2 Like, you already have a single. Right, I can't know.
I didn't know how to stay up there.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Topcock on Florida. Topcock on Netflix.
I think season three or four. Carlos, what is it? We watch it together.
We're on four Netflix five. Four seasons, yeah.
Season four.

Speaker 2 We're binging it together. Wow.
What's the origin of cock fighting? I don't know anything about it. Where did it start? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is kind of

Speaker 2 like a history piece. If you're a history buff out there, people that were coming to South Florida from Cuba or the DR, mostly from Cuba.
Oh, Dominican Republic. Republic.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 When they're floating over here, when they're rafting here, what ends up happening is you have to bring food and provisions and also pets and friends.

Speaker 2 And they all bring a cock with them, at least one cock. Right.
And when you bump into another raft, you have to go head to head, otherwise you get to sacrifice your rations on the way in. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They can basically deflate it. I heard that one story in 30 years ago where a cock

Speaker 2 still had his little and inflated, deflated one of the other rafts. And they all drowned.
I remember that. That's partially where I was like, take them off and put it in the thing.
Right. But he went

Speaker 2 and they sank. And they was like, your cock popped my raft.
And that was the beginning of everything. I remember that story.
Yeah. I know a little bit about it.
Your cock sunk my battleship.

Speaker 2 It's basically what happened. Right, Right, right.
I know a little bit. Yeah, yeah.
That's interesting. It was.

Speaker 2 You got to watch Top Cock on Netflix right now. Yeah, it's great.
DoorDash. Tis the season to skip the in-store rush.
When the holidays knock, answer with DoorDash, my friends.

Speaker 2 We've been using DoorDash for so long now before they were even sponsors of this show. I love them.
We also are big fans of it when we're out of town on the road. We've been in the middle of the day.

Speaker 2 If I'm in Spokane, if I'm in D.C., if I'm in New York, we'd be DoorDash. If I'm in LA, we'd be Door.
Wherever, wherever, where, wherever. I get DoorDash.
Do you know why? It's the most reliable one.

Speaker 2 You want something to celebrate this holiday season?

Speaker 2 Be the host with the most and the guest with the best with DoorDash. Get missing ingredients, unexpected side dishes, and those last-minute gifts delivered fast.

Speaker 2 Fast, baby, whether it's same-day delivery of gifts, groceries, or last-minute party essentials, DoorDash has got you covered. They got thousands of grocery and retail stores available nationwide.

Speaker 2 If you've never used DoorDash, you don't know what you're missing out. But they also have Dash Pass as a Dash Pass member.

Speaker 2 You can enjoy exclusive offers and perks all season long on stocking stuffers, decor, groceries, meals, and way, way more.

Speaker 2 You also get zero delivery fees and reduced service fees on eligible orders, too. How do they get it, Bob? Order now and get the holiday help you need from DoorDash.

Speaker 2 Use code BF Holiday to get 50% off to $10 value when you spend $15 or more at convenience, grocery, or select retail stores on DoorDash. That's right.
Order right now.

Speaker 2 Get the holiday help you need from DoorDash. Use the code BF Holiday to get 50% off up to a $10 value when you spend $15 or more at convenience grocery or select stores on DoorDash.
Terms apply.

Speaker 2 Dr. Squatch! Do you smell that? Do you smell it? Do you smell this wonderful bag? What are you talking about? Dude, that smell is who I want to be.
This is Dr. Squatch, my good friend.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, guys, years ago, I was looking for a soap because I don't like the traditional ones, and I got Dr. Squatch.
That's all I use now. It's the best.
Give me the wood barrel burden.

Speaker 2 I burden it. I want the wood barrel burden.
Okay, give me the

Speaker 2 peach. You want birchwood break? Yeah, that's bad.
Yeah, because you're very breezy. You're a little breezy, girl.
A lot of people don't know, but this is the big deal with bar soaps. All right.

Speaker 2 Bar soaps are making a big, big comeback. A lot of people thought body wash was the way.
Bar soaps are the best. And here's I'll tell you why.
This is 98% natural.

Speaker 2 You're not going to get all that other crap that other people put in there. You're going to look, smell, look.

Speaker 2 You're going to look, smell, feel good, and you're going to be feeling good in your mind knowing that this is very natural, 98% without all sorts of nonsense in it for your skin.

Speaker 2 Let me just throw you out some of these smells here, buddy. Give it to me.
Cool, fresh aloe soap, man. Pine tar soap, fresh fall soap.

Speaker 2 We got bay rum soap, wood barrel, bourbon soap, birchwood breeze soap. Dude, they're all great.
They're so really good. This cool, fresh aloe smells so nice.

Speaker 2 It's going to smell great on your skin. So, right now, Dr.
Squatch is offering our listeners a huge savings. All new customers will get three free bar soaps.

Speaker 2 Three free bar soaps plus free shipping with any purchase of three bars. Just go over right now to doctorsquatch.com/slash bad friends to receive this buy-three get-three offer.
That is Dr.

Speaker 2 Squatch, D-R-S-Q-U-A-T-C-H h dot com slash bad friends to buy three soaps to get three free it's time to get all the daily routine essentials you'll need to start feeling good and smelling like a man today

Speaker 2 i was gonna say andrew i've been to a real cock fight before in bali there's blood everywhere i had to get out from the cocks there's cock blood all over the place it was crazy did they have a guy that comes up and cleans the cockblood because that sounds like a major mccone no as soon as there's blood i was like i gotta roll you know it's so funny because we took a comedy bit

Speaker 2 And riffed on it.

Speaker 2 And then you brought reality into the game, which sort of fucked up the momentum. No, I know.

Speaker 3 It was really bad.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like, what are you doing? It was funny. I like to monolith blotting.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, a lot of fucking birds died. It was gnarly.
Yeah, yeah, we get it. It's like intense.
Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of there.
It is disgusting. It is

Speaker 2 disgusting. I'll tell you what's more disgusting.
What? Dog fighting. Oh, I can't even.
Don't even. Oh, yeah.
Don't even.

Speaker 2 Don't even. Okay, you want to hear something then? No.
I don't want to know. I don't, I hate it.
No, we're about to. Day even though.
No, no, listen. Yeah.
We're about to get another dog.

Speaker 2 And one of the dogs we're rescuing was part of one of these train kill shelters. Oh, I thought you were training them.
A pit bull? It has pit in it. Yeah, yeah.
It's mixed. But is he nice?

Speaker 2 Well, I haven't met him yet. We're about to go.
We want to go get him. Okay.

Speaker 2 Make sure though. Make sure.
No, dude,

Speaker 2 you can reverse. They train them from the

Speaker 2 puppies. They're puppies.
Oh, they're puppies. Okay, good.
Yeah. I'd love to meet it.

Speaker 2 We're trying to save them because they... It's crazy to think people fucking see a puppy and they're like, I'm going to make it a killing machine.
Yeah. It's a puppy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is wrong with people on earth? I think if you fuck with dogs and fuck up and hurt dogs, I think that should be a higher penalty than when you murder a human.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Am I wrong?

Speaker 2 Babies.

Speaker 2 They're defenseless is the thing.

Speaker 2 A human can fight back. If you killed a human, but you had a reason for someone killing someone, right? Like a gang that hates another gang.
There's reasoning and a human has defense.

Speaker 2 puppy has a dog has no defense.

Speaker 3 What about cocks?

Speaker 2 Cocks are very defensive. Okay.

Speaker 2 And their mood swings are insane. Sometimes they're kind of buckled in.
Sometimes they're really showing off. True, true.
You know what else videos I don't like?

Speaker 2 When people are, when their dog or cat is passing,

Speaker 2 they have the music, they have some sort of like, doo doo-doo.

Speaker 3 I've never seen those videos.

Speaker 2 Your algorithm is different than mine. Yeah,

Speaker 2 right. And it's like, you know, two white.

Speaker 2 Right. Why is it

Speaker 2 white? Because we care? No, because they want to show off their grief. Let's be real.
That's yeah, but when, yeah, because when Asian, they're like, okay, and go.

Speaker 2 They're not crying beforehand. Record,

Speaker 2 right? And they do it, right? And they cut it off. They're like, okay, well, let's go.
You know what I mean? Bye. Bye-bye.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I don't like it. It makes me so sad.
Like, I'm so sensitive to it. I don't like it.
Yeah, I don't like it either. Anything with animals, I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Here's another thing I fucking hate. It makes me so fucking angry, dude.

Speaker 2 I saw a video once where this guy had his dog running by a swamp, and an alligator just comes out nowhere and eats them. I saw that.
Yeah, and it's like, bro, lease it!

Speaker 2 Lease the fucking poppy! You know there's alligators in that shit!

Speaker 2 What are you doing, dude? Leash it! Yeah,

Speaker 2 there's a piece of me that's- God!

Speaker 2 Maybe that one.

Speaker 2 Maybe that guy did that on Paramash.

Speaker 2 Everybody who lives in Florida knows there's alligators all in those fucking. Oh, you think he purposely did this? I think he he was fucking irritated.
A poodle. It was a poodle, I think.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe it was getting on his fucking nerves.

Speaker 3 Do you think when the alligator burped, like, for a just crocodile?

Speaker 2 What if, like, the dogs running around and it was a Chinese guy that came out?

Speaker 2 That'd be a switch. Crocodile!

Speaker 2 Crocodile!

Speaker 3 He's just wearing a crocodile.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a full-blown crocodile now.

Speaker 2 That'd be so funny.

Speaker 2 Anyway, yeah, that drives me crazy.

Speaker 2 What is this? What is this thing? What was you adamant to show us? Oh, that this July, a Portuguese man in Turkey was in prison for three weeks for looking gay.

Speaker 2 Go up to the top. A man was arrested for looking gay and wearing crop top in Turkey, imprisoned for three weeks.
Is he gay? No, I believe that he just looks gay. European.

Speaker 3 He's European. Oh, stolen valor.

Speaker 2 Dude, dude, that's a little too gay for me. That's the guy that got arrested for quote-unquote not being gay? I mean, he's guilty.
He's fucking gay. Lock him up.
Carlos.

Speaker 2 He's guilty. Yeah, lock him up.
Somebody put a ring on this guy. If he's gay, I'm gay.
Fuck it. Let's do it.
Somebody put a ring and handcuffs on this guy. Lock him up.
So cute, though.

Speaker 2 When his cops arrested him, he was like,

Speaker 2 first of all, in Turkey, Turkey is not illegal to be gay.

Speaker 2 What's going on here? I don't know. I'm going to hear Thanksgiving stories, Press.
Right.

Speaker 2 So what? Is it because he was wearing inappropriate clothing? Yeah, it's not illegal, but the

Speaker 2 remains problematic despite certain legal advancements. Homosexuality is decriminalized.
Although homosexuality is decriminalized, well, thank like it's like weed. It's decriminalized.

Speaker 2 You can have homos on you, but you can't be using them when we catch you. You can't do it in public.
Yeah, you can't do that.

Speaker 2 You can't do that in private. You can do that stuff.
You can do gay stuff in private like weed, but you can't pay pay. Well, there's some African countries that's death penalty.

Speaker 2 What do you mean there's still gay?

Speaker 2 There's some Middle Eastern countries where it's fucking death penalty.

Speaker 2 You go get caught in the Middle East and half the places, they'll fucking kill you. That's insane to me.

Speaker 3 That's insane to you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What the fuck? I don't think it's even an argument.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, those are the countries where it's illegal to be gay.

Speaker 3 Why'd they make them pink?

Speaker 2 That's such a gay country. Look at that.

Speaker 2 There's one little pink area in South America. Where's that? What country is that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Guyana. Life in prison.
Guyana. Guyana.
And gay is in it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Guyana. Let's see how gay all these countries sound.
Go over the name of that. Let's see if it sounds gay.
Chad. Chad.
I used to fuck a guy named chad yeah

Speaker 2 i am chad what else

Speaker 2 well you get fined 500 000 west african cfa franch oh that's

Speaker 2 30 bucks

Speaker 2 indonesia i do know that yes it is criminal to be gay there uzbekistan

Speaker 2 stan

Speaker 2 that's pretty like marked on mari death by stoning where stoning

Speaker 2 in muritiana

Speaker 2 muritania

Speaker 2 oh that's sad You know why they do that? They're trying to get attention. I've never heard of this fucking country in my life.
Where the fuck is that? For Itanya in Africa. On the Horn of Africa.

Speaker 2 Stoning. Jesus Christ.
God. Imagine the guy that's got to go get the stones.
That's even more insane.

Speaker 2 You got to go get stones to hurt. If you're getting stoned, can you cover your face with your hands or no? No, they tie you up, I think.
Oh, they do all kinds of. It's a crazy shit.
You can't do this.

Speaker 2 No, you can, but it's like. No, you can't.
Yeah, it's.

Speaker 2 No, no, they tie their hands behind their back. 40 people, no, no.

Speaker 2 Oh. Well, you've been to a couple? I've seen that.
Spain. I'm sure being by the way, you guys have invented gay.
Right. Let's not do a picture of it, bud.
No, I'm just. What's that? That's a stoning.

Speaker 3 Carl's like, I actually went to a stoning one.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's blood everywhere.

Speaker 2 What's that right there? That is a stoning. That's insane.
What is that? I would go to one just to see. All right.
A stoning? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're fucking disgusting.

Speaker 3 He had a stoning this morning.

Speaker 2 A cockfight versus a stoning of a human being? Well, the animals still fight to the death. Yeah, but at least they have a fair shot.
Yeah, the person getting stoned isn't throwing rocks themselves.

Speaker 2 By the way, that's if you do get stoned and they just give you a few back to throw back, they're like, all right, let's go. Oh, yeah, that'd be fair.
Throw a fight back?

Speaker 2 Well, it still wouldn't be fair.

Speaker 3 That guy threw the first stone when he sucked that dick, though.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 I just got back from Texas.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 People in well-decorated interior houses should not be throwing stones. It is unbelievable how some parts of the world is just not the same.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like they're not, they just haven't caught up, or they have these old traditions and rules. It's weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because we're so connected, you know what I mean, through the internet that, like, I just can't see how it's possible. What do you mean? That did people have these weird rules, like, you know.

Speaker 2 Well, these are based on thousands of years of them being indoctrinated with an idea of their most 99% of that is religious-based, that homosexuality is against

Speaker 2 their religious practice. Yeah, but as a kid, I'm I'm not kidding you.
My dad would be like,

Speaker 2 if you're Steve gay, everybody are going to die. I'm going to kill everybody.
Yeah. He would say stuff like that.
Yeah, thank God. Like everybody? Yeah, your friend, Charlie, Franco, they all die.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Insane, right? He was just joking around.
No, he was like saying, it was another one. If you marry a Vietnamese woman,

Speaker 2 well, that I understand. Yeah, yeah.
It's like, I won't call then. Fuck you.
You know what I mean? But even as a kid, you listen to that. You're six years old at dinner.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you get everybody, and I'd be eating my, you know, Korean food, I'd be like, that's insane. That doesn't make any sense.
What did your mom say? She said, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Hinake, hinake. You know what I mean? Like, try to play it off, but it's like, you hear all these things.
And even as a kid living in that house, I was able to go, you know what?

Speaker 2 That just sounds like insane. And it doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, it doesn't, it just doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem right.

Speaker 2 So it's like, and you kind of, so I'm just saying, like these countries, you don't you there's not a kid they're going yeah this seems weird

Speaker 2 you would think there would be a bunch of kids i think but i think if everybody around you is is speaking the same language it'd be hard to learn another one really like i i just don't i just think if everyone dude if you're if you're only shown one thing and and particularly if you're shown that western culture is bullshit if they're talked about that we're bullshit that we're disgusting and against what they believe in their religious beliefs, then of course they fucking hate us.

Speaker 2 Or you see like a group being oppressed and you're doing the oppressing. Like I would in my mind be like, no, this is not, this seems.

Speaker 2 You would think so, but that's only because you've gotten what you've got. No, I think that, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, and I don't know, but maybe I'm wrong.

Speaker 2 But I feel like no matter what society that I'm in, I would look at the circumstances and go, you know, that doesn't make any sense. That's if you're lucky enough to be educated.

Speaker 2 No, I think it's just a thing. No, but I'm saying, if you're young and you're uneducated, Bob, you don't have these kind of...
I was uneducated. I've never read a book in my life.

Speaker 2 You grew up in America in a...

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Like, but do you know? Do you guys understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 Uneducated, and if your needs are not met, then you're thinking of other things like survival.

Speaker 2 There's a group of people that think like that in every country. Yeah, there's people that think how those women like march in Iran, right by the fact that they were

Speaker 2 also helped because of the internet and knowledge, right? So, for a long time, no one had knowledge of any other way. Like, they would live kind of sheltered off.

Speaker 2 So, they would shelter people from learning about Western ideology and culture, about our freedom of, you know, of sex and religion and blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And I think a lot of that was like, that's evil shit when they do read about it. But now with the internet, right, they're privy to seeing way more.

Speaker 2 That's why fucking North Korea, he can't, doesn't have the fucking internet. He doesn't want them to learn what the fuck's going on in the world because they'll all go, what? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We should leave. We would get the fuck out.
Yeah, it's like for me, like my dad beating me and my brother, right?

Speaker 2 It's like, in my mind, I'm like, oh, I'm never going to do this to another human being.

Speaker 2 But there are some kids that perpetuate that cycle and they do it to their own children yeah so I guess I was just have this weird think way of thinking well maybe you're lucky that it turned out that way because you could be an abusive lunatic too I think it's now yeah I think it's luck it was traumatized into you no I just think that some I don't know no I think you're lucky it's like that you're not lucky it turned out the other way I think it's also like

Speaker 2 this ability I don't know forget it

Speaker 2 it's not a comedy but I you know I just want to argue this fact that I see this in you know when people get sober right? It's like

Speaker 2 last week, some guy just got sober that we know, right?

Speaker 2 And he was able to go inside himself and go, you know,

Speaker 2 I think I have a problem. You know, I'm no longer in denial.
And I think that if I keep doing this, I can see down the road that I'm going to lose everything. So I'll stop here.

Speaker 2 I've always been like that, where I'm like, you know, I haven't lost anything.

Speaker 2 Like every time I get sober, I haven't lost anything, but I can feel in a year or two, if this behavior continues, that that I will, so I stop it here. Right.
And some people don't have that ability.

Speaker 2 They just go all the way to the end. Yeah.
No, they can't help it. And I don't know why that is.
Yeah, that's right. But some people just have that.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Some people just can't help the way they react to how

Speaker 2 their

Speaker 2 inner demons or shortcomings or addictions or things control them. That's my point.

Speaker 2 Some people have traumatic things when they were a kid, and it's almost like this deep-rooted thing they can't get rid of. And you're very blessed that you're able to to shift.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's a gift. I just don't understand it myself.

Speaker 2 That's why it must be a gift. It's not you.
If it's not you, it's something else. It's the Lord.
It's the Lord Jesus Christ. The Lord Jesus Christ.
I knew what it was. It's just the Lord Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Our Lord and Savior. Yeah, yeah.
Our Lord and Savior. And I'm sorry for that guy who got arrested for being gay in Turkey.

Speaker 2 You come over here to West Hollywood, and we'll open our arms and our buttholes to you.

Speaker 2 Even if you're not gay. I know he said he's not gay.
He looks gay, though. He does? Yeah.
I mean, I feel like he's lying.

Speaker 2 Have you been to the Abbey? I went years and years ago. I used to go to the Abbey.
It was a little underrated. I got hit on like twice, and I was a little let down.
I was like, twice.

Speaker 2 So I was with him. I was wearing a crop top and everything.
Really?

Speaker 2 No, that guy was.

Speaker 2 So I went to the Abbey with some straight guys, and they met with some other gay friends, and

Speaker 2 we're at a table. Straight guy.
And one of the guys kind of put his hand on my knee from across the table. And I go, oh, no, no.
And he goes, oh, I'm sorry, I read it wrong. I just remember that.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. What do you you mean?

Speaker 2 I think I exude, you know, before people knew who I was or whatever, I think I exuded. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Oh, yeah. One big time.
You do big time, yeah. Yeah.
If I take you to a gay bar. No, no, no, no.
What does that mean?

Speaker 2 If I took you to a gay bar, they'd look at me and be like, what is he doing here? And then go, just leave that one. Get out of here.
Leave him and get out of here.

Speaker 2 They'd think I was dropping you once. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I would have been like one of Dahmer's guys.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because he loved Asians.

Speaker 3 He would have taken you back and be like, this one's too crazy.

Speaker 2 Too crazy, yeah. No, but he, like, really, like, fit tiny little in-shape Asians, like little twinky boys.
He liked twinks. You say I wouldn't fit in the drum.
He liked,

Speaker 2 yeah, you wouldn't fit in the drum. Imagine him, like

Speaker 2 she's like a suitcase. He's like fitting on it.
Yeah, he's got like 15 drums of

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 15 drums of Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 This egg roll just won't go down.

Speaker 2 His egg roll just won't go down.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I think that I would have, because you know, if you watch the show, I think once I saw his hallway and his house, I would have been like, ah.
Yeah, but they were enamored with this guy.

Speaker 2 They thought he was like a hot, cool guy. Yeah, right.
He was cute.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wore workmen's boots, you know.
Or that thing we should listen to on Spotify.

Speaker 2 No, no, the moth. But the moth.
Yeah, the moth. There's a great story on the moth about this, about a guy who

Speaker 2 had an interaction with Dahmer. Yeah, so he's basically, you guys know about us? Yeah, we live in the car.
In the car, yeah. Yeah.
Well, for anyone that's listening,

Speaker 2 I'll explain it to us. It's basically a guy that's, he's talking about something that happened to him in the 80s.
He didn't really come out, and somebody suggested you should go to this gay bar.

Speaker 2 So he went to this gay bar in Wisconsin, and you know, this guy should come in. And when you're listening to the thing, you don't think it's about Dahmer.
And he's like, I started dressing like him.

Speaker 2 And he's like, why wouldn't he hit on me? And he was always leaving with other guys.

Speaker 2 And then years later, a couple years later, he was like teaching in New York and he saw the news. Insane.
How insane is that?

Speaker 2 He was coming into a sexual revolution as a college man who was becoming coming out of the closet. Yeah, it's a great moth story.
And I was wondering, you know, how many brushes of death I evaded?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I evaded. I ever know that's like how many serial killers have I walked by?

Speaker 2 Not even knowing. Maybe not.
Well, also, just like moments in life you could have died. Yeah, like seconds away from it.

Speaker 2 I took a left instead of a right.

Speaker 3 You don't really hear about serial killers no more, hi.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they've come. There's one that's active now.
There's one right now.

Speaker 2 What's his his name? The guy that's out there? He's doing his thing. So there's a, look at this.
There's a, what's it called? Gilgo beat serial killer suspect Rex Hauerman.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Texas serial killer pleads guilty to. There's so many, Jews.
There's so many. There's too many.
That's why.

Speaker 3 I thought there was none.

Speaker 2 You think it was a fad?

Speaker 3 I liked my reality 10 seconds ago.

Speaker 2 No, they're out there.

Speaker 3 I thought they solved it.

Speaker 2 Well, I think the problem is

Speaker 2 there's a mistake of thinking that a serial killer has to be this like famous, notorious and killed hundreds or whatever. But a lot of these guys, they just kill dozens of people.

Speaker 2 They're not as talented. No, yeah, they're not as good.

Speaker 3 They're getting caught fast. I mean, let's be honest.
Are they not as good or are they getting caught faster?

Speaker 2 They're not F1 drivers, you know?

Speaker 3 They're the NASCAR of killers.

Speaker 2 The NASCAR of serial killers. It's dark.
It's dark, but there are ones that are,

Speaker 2 you know, you can see. They got potential.
Not they got potential. They just have their own thing going.

Speaker 3 I mean, you got to be really good right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, John Wayne Casey, the clown stuff. So good.
Hiding the bodies inside his mom's house. So good.
In the walls of her home. In the walls of her home, underneath.

Speaker 3 Very good. You can't do that anymore, though.

Speaker 2 Wow, there's forensic.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know it's too hard. Cameras.
Yeah, we talk about it like we were going to try. Yeah, there's too much.
Like, do you think if the Zodiac, because they've never caught him. Yeah.
The Zodiac.

Speaker 2 You think if it happened now, that we'd be able to catch him? Yeah. I think so.
With the fucking

Speaker 2 clowns and I think sometimes like simple shit can get away. Like the woman at the one of the dealers at the casino, a guy that was sitting at my table made a joke.

Speaker 2 He goes, what if I just grabbed that whole tray and just ran out of here?

Speaker 2 And he goes, yeah, I'd get tackled or shot right away, right? And she goes, yeah, but we had a guy not too long ago grabbed a whole tray,

Speaker 2 ran outside into a car that was waiting in like one of the turnarounds and actually got away.

Speaker 2 But at the place where he was sitting, you know, because he was sitting faking playing cards for a while, he left his ID.

Speaker 2 She was like,

Speaker 2 even the cop was like,

Speaker 3 he's like the Joker leaving his calling card.

Speaker 2 Well, that's happened before, but killers leaving their license or wallet at the fucking crime scene. What are you doing? Don't bring it.
Yeah, don't bring it. And why do you have your actual ID?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're not going to get carded. You're 40.
Yeah. You're fine.
You imagine a killer goes into a place, but he gets carded. He's like, I forgot.
It's like, why?

Speaker 2 He's like, oh, I'm going in there to kill somebody.

Speaker 2 I don't want to leave any F the honest killer.

Speaker 2 And the bouncer's like, all right, get in there, man. You're not going to kill anybody.

Speaker 2 I don't like the fact that I've been in groups of people where everybody gets carded and then they look at me and they go,

Speaker 2 Go ahead, man. And you're just card me anyway.
No, I'm in line. No, but they're saying they probably recognize you because you're famous.
No, because I have an old face.

Speaker 2 I got an old, weathered face.

Speaker 2 That's because they want to make sure it's you. They're like, is this that guy? Because all Asians look alike.
They're like, this just could be another Asian.

Speaker 2 Right. Tell me I'm wrong.
They literally go, is that bro? Touche. Is that

Speaker 2 what you're saying? All I'm going to say is Touche.

Speaker 2 That's interesting. Maybe right.

Speaker 2 I think you just, you know, you're one of those guys.

Speaker 3 I went to a cocaine party on Saturday night. Wait, wait.

Speaker 3 Well, I don't know how interesting it is, though.

Speaker 2 Cocaine parties are always interesting.

Speaker 3 It might end nowhere, but yeah, I went to a billionaire's house and

Speaker 3 partied.

Speaker 2 Did you

Speaker 2 smoked a ballot? In Austin. I didn't do cocaine.
In Austin.

Speaker 3 In Austin, yeah.

Speaker 2 So Joe Rogan's house and did cocaine. No, no.
No, so you did a show.

Speaker 3 I'm hanging out with Tony Henchcliffe. He's got a billionaire friend.
He takes me and a bunch of comics. We go to this beautiful house.
Elon Musk.

Speaker 2 How many people are there?

Speaker 2 50? Hot chicks?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Hot dudes? All the chicks are hot. They're like all from different countries.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 I'm like, they're looking at me like, what is it? You know?

Speaker 3 But then they get to talk to me.

Speaker 2 Why is the servant in street clothes?

Speaker 3 But then by conversation, they're like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Is that Ellen beginners?

Speaker 3 I was dancing for him.

Speaker 2 You were dancing?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. They all thought I was Ellen.

Speaker 2 It was just a joke. Okay.

Speaker 3 But I leaned in.

Speaker 2 Be honest. Did you go skiing?

Speaker 3 No, no, no. But it was everywhere.

Speaker 2 You didn't hit the slopes?

Speaker 3 No, no, no. Jess, you can be honest.
I used to do it.

Speaker 2 I'm all...

Speaker 2 No Coke near you. No, I used to be.
No thing. Honestly, if you ever did it and you died from fentanyl overdose or whatever, I would be so mad.
Yeah. I know.
Don't do it.

Speaker 2 Just test it. Ketamine? Oh, yeah, you can test it.
You can test it and get Narcan. You're fine.
Go do Coke.

Speaker 3 I can't. It's too addictive.
I used to do so much of of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's why I can't do it. Even when I saw it at the party, I was like, I had to hold my breath.

Speaker 2 Were all the hot model chicks doing Coke?

Speaker 3 I

Speaker 3 didn't actually see people doing the Coke. It was just on the table.

Speaker 2 It was just obviously

Speaker 2 conversations were there. Could I, if I was there and I was using, do I have to ask or can I just do it? If you were.

Speaker 2 Do you go, whose is this?

Speaker 3 No, it was like, it looked like. Excuse me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whose Coke is this? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Is this your Coke? Yeah.
Can I?

Speaker 2 Is that cool? Okay.

Speaker 2 That's what I would do. No.
You wouldn't do it.

Speaker 2 So there's Coke at the... What if somebody's like, hey, Drew, left my Coke? Well, then you go like this, and you just put it right back out.
Sorry, my bad. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you showed up to a party and they knew you were using it,

Speaker 2 everybody would be giving you Coke. You would leave with extra Coke.
Could I be like, to go back? Could I shoot heroin right there or no? To go back? Yeah. At a Coke party, can you shoot heroin?

Speaker 2 No, it's a little

Speaker 2 faux pas. It is? Yeah.
That's what I thought. Probably got a gold.
What about other dogs? Like ice. What's ice? Everybody wants to smoke ice.
Meth.

Speaker 3 There was a, that cocaine was out like a bowl of chips. Like anyone could go in.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 And there was a DJ who played like guitar and but DJ'd and sing.

Speaker 2 He was on cocaine. Yeah.
Any guy that's doing that much music. I'm going.
I think I'm going in a couple of weeks. I'm going to Austin.
I want to ask.

Speaker 3 You are? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go at the end of the year. Tony, I want to ask Tony if he's going to take me to a cocaine party.
No. No, just to see.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to do it. Don't go to that house.
What? I just want to see what it's like. Too much there, too much available.
Carlos is nodding his head. He knows.

Speaker 2 Yeah, don't hang out with fucking Tony in Austin.

Speaker 3 Why? He's fun to hang out with.

Speaker 2 No, I'm saying don't go to the Coke house is what I'm saying. You're saying don't go to the Coke house.
Was William Montgomery there?

Speaker 3 No, no. Love that.
William is sober. He has skin cancer.

Speaker 3 He went and got it removed, though. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Thank God. Jesus Christ.
Melanoma.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he's doing good. Love that guy.
Melanoma has been hunting me down for years. Really? I mean, what do you mean? What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Like, I mean, do you have cancer?

Speaker 2 I have a lump in my armpit. Let me see your blump.
Right here. Is it a bump lump? It's a big lump in my armpit.
It's a bump, yeah. Yeah.
Underneath inside your skin?

Speaker 2 You got to go get it checked out. Why?

Speaker 2 Bobby. Take a guess why.

Speaker 2 What if you have lymphatic cancer or something like that? That's where your lymph nodes are. Underneath your armpits.
It's dying down.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's gone down? A little bit. Oh, you're fine.
Don't worry about that. You go get it checked out.
Yeah. I went to the doctor.
I had to go get, you know how hard it was for him to call.

Speaker 2 He called me and was like, oh man, you're fucking, your levels are elevated. I was like, what? Yeah.
It's such a bummer to like hear it. Yeah.
He's like, I got to put you on cholesterol medication.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 And he said, your sugars were high. I was like, I don't even eat sugar.
Yeah. I don't even eat sugar.
Carbs. Huh? Carbs.
I don't eat that many carbs. Skinnier than you, fat ass.

Speaker 2 But can I be honest with you?

Speaker 2 I think I need you guys to

Speaker 2 really push me into getting healthier. Really? I'm at the level.
Hike with me. No, he's not going to do that.
No, I'm at a level. Well, let's find something.
I can feel my body. I don't feel right.

Speaker 3 Yoga, you said you want to do that. That'll make you feel so good.

Speaker 2 I honestly need help.

Speaker 2 I don't feel good. Let's start a program.
We'll start a program. I really don't feel good.
Like, neck hurts. I'm groggy.
I should weak. Let's start a program.

Speaker 3 What should it be? The Bobby Health Ely?

Speaker 2 The uh-oh, hot dog workout program. I just did Dylan Francis' music video and had a dance in it, and it was like exhausting.

Speaker 2 I almost died. Well, how about this? If you are bad friends out there and you have any health tips for Bobby, please let us know about your health tips.
We need help.

Speaker 2 We really need to know how we can get him back to square one. Oh, I have one idea.

Speaker 3 Give Andrew full control of your DoorDash account and any food delivery account.

Speaker 2 That's actually very interesting. And anytime you're hungry, you hit me up and I'll order for you.

Speaker 2 It's actually fucking brilliant.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That's actually fucking brilliant. I have to get my pinkberry.

Speaker 3 Well, you work out the deal with him.

Speaker 2 You might be the only guy in LA that still eats pinkberry. No, Gene 2.
We're addicted to it. It's you too.
We love it. It's dog shit.

Speaker 2 I think the market share showed how bad it was.

Speaker 2 They opened a thousand. They have like four left.
It's a nostalgia. Yeah, it's dog shit.

Speaker 2 Is it ice cream? No. No, it's a shame.
It's disgusting. It's not disgusting.
You get the malt crunch with it.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 Pinkberry with it. It's frozen yogurt.
It was like a tart, tart, frozen yogurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there was a hype for it.

Speaker 2 When I first moved to LA, it became like a big thing, and they opened a million and they shut down.

Speaker 2 It was because Starbucks bought it. No, it's because everyone realized it was shit, and they were like, fuck this.
Let's just have ice cream. Anyway,

Speaker 2 I'll give you a break. Ice cream for life.

Speaker 3 What would you order? For life. You'd have to get a salad every once in a while.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get you. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I think it'd be more of restricted.

Speaker 2 Jersey Mike's going to get that? No. No, no.

Speaker 2 I'm going to read you what I get. You can get sub in a tub.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, that's so disgusting.

Speaker 2 What's a sub in a tub? It's literally like all the ingredients for the sub, but in a plastic tin. It's a tub.
Instead of a

Speaker 2 bread. Okay.

Speaker 2 There's sub in a tub right there. It's actually delicious.
It looks so gross, though. It's just a salad.
That's sub in a tub. What's wrong with that? Sub in a tub.

Speaker 3 Cheese green salad's way better than that.

Speaker 2 It's just, it's just, it's just the ingredients without bread. Okay.
Look at the second one. That's sub in a tub.
That's traditional how they do it with like a turkey one.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll get sub in the tub. I've gotten it before.
It's not that big. It's actually great.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.