Just Date Me, Please!

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I've been wearing it on stage. Have you seen me? Look at this, dude.
Look at this shirt. This is the OG shirt.
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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

We walked in the studio.

Here we go.

We did a couple spots.

Bob and I did a back-to-back spot at the store.

And then we walked in the studio and McCone tried to make up for all his blunders by getting Bobby in and out.

That's very nice.

But what did you forget?

What did you forget, McCone?

Fries.

Yeah, French fries.

The quintessential pairing.

The quintessential pairings.

The quintessential pairings, I guess?

Yeah.

A burger and fries.

Peanut butter and jelly. Right? Yeah yeah what don't you understand about that i don't think i've ever gotten a cheeseburger without fries freddie aids freddie mercury freddie mercury and aids you know these two things go hand in hand magic johnson aids yeah yeah easy e aids i next time i'm in an in and out i'll think about easy I'm sorry.
Next time you're in the order and they say. Magic Johnson, AIDS.
Yeah, yeah. Easy E, AIDS.

Next time I'm in an In-N-Out,

I'll think about Easy E and AIDS.

I'm sorry.

Next time you're in the order and they say,

welcome to In-N-Out,

how can I help you?

What would you like?

Some AIDS.

Welcome to In-N-Out,

how can I help you?

What would you like?

A double-double with regular onions

and fries and a Coke,

Diet Coke, please.

Okay, a double-double with AIDS coming right up.

Window two.

See, they'll know.

They'll know.

They'll automatically know.

And I'm not making fun of people with that disease.

It's terrible.

No, we're saying the two things that go together.

Yeah, they do come to go together, but it's a terrible disease.

Well, a burger was a very nice gesture.

Thank you.

But a burger without fries seems worthless to me. But see what I did you call me I'm just leaving the store I said I was at 7-Eleven you go get me some snacks get me some snacks what I do I said please what I do though you got me seven different things to choose from see that's how you do it that's what friendship is that's what love is that's what family is and you that.
You don't complete it. Like when I play a video game, I need to complete all the objectives.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And here's another thing.
Hi, guy. Hi, guy.
Me? Yeah. You're ripped.
You're ripped. You're stripped.
Out of your mind stone. I told you it's later in the evening.
I'm going to start drug testing on this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The employees on the show are going to go into rigorous drug testing. I'm not kidding.
You're so high right now. I'm not so high.
I'm normal high. Yeah, I've seen your eyes.
Get on Amazon right now and order drug tests for the crew because I want to start drug testing everybody. Yeah.
This is a sober show. Bobby is sober.
He's going through the program. You show up here on drugs and alcohol.
McCone said you were drinking. Whenever I look at you, I get uncomfortable.
Look at him. He's itching.
He's itching right now. I want marijuana too.
No, Bob. He's given me marijuana before.
Yeah, because we get him for free at comedy shows. He gives you what we get.
When? Hawaii. Was I high? Yeah.
When I was high. Yeah, when you were relapsing.
Yeah. That doesn't count.
We were in Hawaii together? Yeah, bro. Wait, wait, wait.
Why? We did a show. No, we didn't do a show in Hawaii.
No. What? You mean Mexico? No, I was in Hawaii with him with Trash Tuesday.
Oh. Oh, you were? Yeah, and you were filming something, and so you were there too.
And then, yeah, it was chaos. But do we get high together? Oh, yeah.
Fun. Yeah, it was fun.
Hey. No.
Yes. Bad.
Carlos, bring me back to Hawaii. No.
No, I won't. I won't.
Andrew will get too mad. And these drug tests are pretty reasonably priced, too.
Yeah, well, I want the whole crew drug tested. Fancy, I want you to drug test as well.
You're not exempt from this because I don't know what you're up to if you're using. He seems like he could be using.
And Carlos, meanwhile, what did McCone say? You were drinking in the car before you came in.

The Topo Chico margaritas are good.

McCone, go get a Bud Light out of the fridge.

He has to drink one on the air now.

Hell yeah.

Don't drink that on camera, okay?

You pig, just do that like the sad pig you are.

Hide it behind the wall.

It's the gay drink, right?

It's, well, it's trans drink. Yeah, the Bud Light supports trans rice.

Yeah, let me ask you a question, Andrew, my best friend.

Yeah, baby?

Why is it that you can't mix foods? Who are you talking about? What do you mean? What do you mean? I can mix foods? No, but think about what I'm saying. You can't different lands, right? You can't, at a restaurant, get a California roll.
Did you give him weed? I promise I did. Beef stroganoff.
I'm trying to tap into it. No, you can do that.
It's at a buffet. California roll.
Beef stroganoff. At a buffet.
Have you ever been to a buffet? They have all that stuff. They have pizza, spaghetti.
And a Baja Fish taco. Go to any...
When we're in Vegas, you can get all that at one. We'll go to the famous...
You shouldn't do it. No, yes you should.
Why? Because that's what makes America great. Oh, that's true.

That's what Donald Trump was talking about.

Right.

Can you get a torch?

I want a torch.

A tiki torch?

I want a tiki torch, and I want to be able to wear, not a red hat, but without anything

on it.

Just a white hat.

No, red hat.

Like a red baseball hat.

They're talking about a white hat.

Like a pointy white hat?

I want that at night.

Yeah, with the torch. Yeah, at night.
night but during the day wear the red hat right with nothing on nothing on it and let them infer right i think you can mix mix foods but honestly do you even like it what do you want to you want to get a california roll and then have spaghetti yeah i mean i've never had a california with beef stroganoff before is this something that you want well i just in, I'm like, there's no way that's good. I don't know.
I kind of think that might be really good. But with a Baja Fizz taco too? I mean, what's wrong with it? I just don't get it.
I just don't see what's bad about this. An epanada.
Again, these are all home run. All right, okay.
I don't hear any flaws in this. Okay, what about this? If I take a California roll.
Got it. I take a bowl and I stir it.
Like you mash it? I mash it. Got it.
Then I put B stroganoff in. Stir it.
Right? Steel cut oatmeal. Why? Stir it.
What do you mean why? Why not is what I said. Why not? I mean, you're Irish, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that our thing? Well, I mean, I put it in a California roll.
You need... Cut up some potatoes.
Put some potatoes in there. You stir it, right? Right.
And then what else would you put in there? I think you'll have enough. You think so? No, I think you put an entire packet of American cheese.
That's right. On top.
Slices. Singles.
Craft singles. The craft powder.
Ooh. Right? The macaroni and cheese powder.
The macaroni and cheese powder? Yeah. You pour that in there, right? You mix it.
Then you bake it. Yeah.
350 in the oven, right? And you bake it for two hours. That's so long.
Two hours? Yeah. All right.
All right, no, hour. What's long? I never baked anything.
30 minutes. All right, 30 minutes of baking.
At 400. Can you put flour in there? Just like a rose? Yeah, yeah.
You can. Yeah, like a dandelion.
A begonia? A begonia, yeah. You throw that in there.
No, I put flour like the wheat flour, the bread flour. Right? Why? Could you make a bread out of it? Not if you just put flour in it.
That's not going to do anything. Oh, how do you make bread? We need flour.
Let me guess. Water, flour, egg, butter, yeast, yeast, yeast, yeast, yeast, yeast.
Let it rise. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. We'll get Tom Papa on the show.
He'll teach us how to make bread. Oh, really? You know what I did in the middle of the night that I have to admit and I feel very bad about? I stepped on my dog going to piss in the middle of the night.
Oh, no. You know that sound that they make when you step on it? It's different.
Yeah. It's different.
There's a different sound that they emit. It's like inside their computer, deep inside of the algorithm.
And when you step on them, it's like. Yeah.
They've never made that sound before. Yeah.
I've stepped on a Jewish person before. What do they say? Same thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just stepped on one? I stepped on one, yeah. Wow.
Oy vey. Oh, yeah.
That's a Jew with my Jewish dog. Oy vey.
But so you stepped on your dog? Your dog's so cute. You're a poodle.
I feel so bad. She was- See, what happens is she does this.
I don't know if your dog does this, but she goes on and off the bed during the course of the night. Like sometimes if she's too warm, she'll jump down off of the bed and then she sleeps under the bench.
She gets cold. She wants to come back up on the bed again.
Well, last night she must have jumped off before I passed out because I didn't know. Yeah.
And my fat ass rolled out of bed and I took a big thud onto the ground and I stepped on the back of her legs and her butt. I mean, hard.
And did it wake your wife up? Yeah. Freaked out.
Well, because the dog went, it did that thing. And did he walk out of the room? No, she panicked.
She started moving around the room like crazy. And I was trying to hold her to see if she was in pain.
And I picked her up and I was holding her and I just started, I went piss. I had to piss.
You pissed while you were holding the dog? Well, I was comforting her, but I had to piss. What am I going to do? Not piss? I got to comfort the dog.
Has your dog seen your penis? Seen it. Seen it? How else did you adopt the dog? That's how you let him know who you are.
Oh, that's right. know peanut butter baby peanut butter oh yeah yeah yeah i was holding the poor girl and i'm peeing yeah and she was like whimpering and shaking i felt so bad so bad i know so we killed her we had to get rid of her that's it bojo my cat my middle cat yeah no the youngest cat bojo's the youngest he's fat he's overweight i wouldn't say he's fat Fat's a mean word.
He's overweight. You know, sometimes I'll look at him and on my bed.
When he's on my bed, he'll go, and like spread his legs like this. He goes, Just to show you his goods? No, he doesn't.
He wants belly rubs. Oh, yeah, bellies.
That's what we say. But it's not.
He wants his popito rub. No, I I don't know.
I don't know, dude. He wants his poqueño touch.
I don't know. But I swear to God, he goes, meow, right like this, right? And okay, Bojo.
And I'll start doing the belly and he'll go. Oh, down.
He wants it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He'll go, meow, right? And I'll go, no, Bojo. You know, the next time you are on a date with a girl, I want you to just at dinner just go,

Meow.

You think so?

Yeah, see what she'll do.

Like this?

See if she'll rub in the middle of it.

Right.

You and I are on a date right now.

Okay.

Thank you for taking me to Cheesecake Factory.

This is rad.

I've never been here.

You're welcome.

I like it.

What?

That's not you.

I'm the lady.

I know, but your voice,

I just felt like I had to match it.

No, it's you.

Oh, you're welcome.

I like it.

You're just you.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
I really like this restaurant. This is great.
Thanks for taking me here. Oh, you're welcome.
What? Who are you now? Me. Okay, great.
That's how I am. She's black, right? What are you doing? I'm black? I thought the character was black.
I was doing my own thing. Oh, you're right.
Okay, perfect. You're welcome.
So, I know we matched on Raya. Yeah.
And I want to tell you, a lot of girls online, they're not into first date hookups. Yeah.
I am. I'm a first date hookup type of girl.
Meow. Meow.
Oh, wow. Oh, no, no.
Meow. There it is.
That got me going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That got me going. That would get me going.
That's better? me gone That's better Oh yeah Okay sorry my bad I want you to meow The next time you take someone on a date Just do that Lift up your If it's not going well If it's not going well Well just let it bomb anyway What's the difference Okay well I want to see what the Okay let's say We're having a conversation That's uncomfortable You know Sometimes the date's not going well and you go,

and you kind of know,

oh,

I'm not going to hook up with this girl.

This is going to be bad.

You're ready to just bail.

Yeah.

So let's,

all right.

So we're middle conversation.

Okay,

here it is.

Yeah,

yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I just think,

I don't know.

I disagree with you.

I think reparations are in order

and I think we should be giving

everybody money.

I think we should be giving

every black individual

in the United States money.

I don't know why you agree.

We'd have to give

the natives money

I think it's are in order, and I think we should be giving everybody money. I think we should be giving every black individual in the United States money.
I don't know why you agree. We'd have to give the natives money, and then we'd have to give everyone money.
And we should. And we should give more and more and more.
The hard-working taxpayers money. They should all go to every minority.
What about infrastructure? What do we need that for? The roads will— What do we need that for? Can we get out of here? Really? See how fast that switched? She was so politically charged until you finally meowed at her. Yeah.
That's all she needs. Wow.
I did not know. That is a panty dropper.
Meow. Meow.
Panty dropper, kiddo. Anyway, Bojo.
What did Bojo do? You rubbed him? No, I rub his belly and then every time I'll do a wider,

I'll do a wider rub.

You know what I mean?

Like one of those like,

you know, wax on, wax off,

you know, Karate Kid rub.

A little Miyagi stuff.

Yeah, so I go wide and it goes toward his area.

Right.

And he goes,

he loves it.

Yeah.

So I don't know, man. I know, man.
What do you know? It's wrong. I think you've trained him to do that.
No, that's not true. Yes.
That's not true. Yes, it is.
That's out of pocket. It sounds like.
I did not train. I'm not into that.
It sounds like you started it. You started it.
He wouldn't know that if you didn't start it. You did it one time.
He liked it. You kept going back to the well.
No, he's pee-pee. He's pocaño.
But a cat's pee-pee... What are you doing? What are you Googling? Can you sexually arouse a cat? Yeah, male cats can be sensitive to testicle stimulation.
Oh, sorry, tactile. Some finish off the arousal reaction by biting or clawing.
Does he bite you and claw you when you're rubbing his belly? It's not really a bite. Does he bite you and claw you? Your Honor, I will interview the way to...
Does he bite you and claw you? Your Honor, it's a way Does he bite you and claw you? Your honor It's a nibble It's not a bite But does his hands go down there And he bites and nibbles? It's a high five Yeah Not a claw Good work is what he's saying He's going Thank you I'm telling you High five This can get reported I didn't do anything What is it? The ASPCA or whatever? I didn't do anything I didn't do anything Straight up No no we, no. We can't say that word.
You can't say that word, dude. What the fuck are you doing, dude? He's stoned on drugs.
He's high. Zophilia.
Oh, shit. You can't say that.
You can't say that either, I'm sure. No, no, no.
I'm just saying. So anyway, go back to your dog.
Is your dog okay? Well, I'm certainly not going to pet her puss. I didn't say that.
I didn't say that. That's exactly what you said.
I didn't say that. You said you had a wide berth

and then you accidentally rubbed on his pecanion.

No, I'm just going, you know, wax on.

Anyway, okay.

I would not.

I rub her belly and I stay high

and up by her neck and her little belly.

Yeah.

But she's going to be fine.

We'll find out.

Let me ask you this.

She's got trauma for sure.

Can I ask you this, though?

What if, like, the little prince, right?

Little LP?

I had a little wand.

Yeah. And your dog turned into a human.
She's female, right? She's a girl, yeah. She looked like Margot Robbie.
Mm-hmm. Right, so I go.
Like, you know the little prince? Don't they do that? Little frog turning into the prince? Yeah, they do. I turn your dog into Margot Robbie.
Yeah, amazing. Right? Yeah.
You're going to raise her as your- Nothing would change. I'd make her get on all fours.
I'd put on a leash on her and I'd walk her around. I'd take her for walks in the morning.
Really? Yeah, well, she's my dog. And you wouldn't do belly rubs? I would absolutely do- You wouldn't do long belly rubs? I would do belly rubs.
The long kind? I don't know. What do you mean? I would take her for long walks.
I would clean up her poop. But you know what would be weird, though? They probably don't know English.
They probably still a dog, right? So you still, you know? No, dogs know English. Dogs know the language in which you speak to them.
You go to Mexico, they speak Spanish. Oh, really? What does a Mexican dog sound like? Hey, bark, bark.
You know what, dude? You're right. Ba-wal.
Ba-wal. Hey, man,, bow wow.
Yeah. What do they sound like in China? Help, help, help.
That's me. Oh, cut it out.
Why? What does a dog sound like in China? Oh, wow. No, no, no.
First of all, that's Japanese. All right.
Chin, chink. Okay.
You can't do that. Why can't you do that? Chin-chink.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're saying chin-chin. I think chin-chin, yeah.
Good restaurant, by the way. Right.
You like chin-chin? Love. I love chin-chin.
Chin-chin is a clean restaurant. The food is so clean.
Chin-chin is like the McDonald's of Chinese food. Like it's consistent.
It always has the same thing. Right.
You know what you're getting. Yeah.
It's the old school. It's the simple menu, right? And it used to be when we were broke, that used to be the place.
We're like, oh, man, in two weeks, I get to go to Chin Chin. Well, that was like high end.
That was like a fancy. For us.
Yeah. If I could go to Chin Chin on Sunset, that was a fancy Chinese night out.
Yeah. What's a fancy night out for you, McCone, right now? Now that you're making a couple bucks, we've got you hired.
Are you treating yourself? I went to Barney's the other night. The bar? Barney's Beanery? Yeah.
Not the department store. Yeah, he can't do that.
The one on Santa Monica. Yeah, the one on Santa Monica.
You want to know the irony about that place? I've been going to that place for years. Me too.
I used to love going there. Me too.
Barney's is in the heart of West Hollywood. For people that don't know, West Hollywood is the predominant gay neighborhood in Los Angeles.
It is the mecca of gay. It's where the gay parade is, right? Barney's, in its origination, was owned by this old decrepit guy that hated gay people moving into the neighborhood.
So on the roof, look it up. Look at what he used to say on the roof of Barney's Beanery.
Oh no. Look at what he used to say.
This is real. This is a factual thing from the history of Barney's Beanery.
He painted on the rooftop.

Carlos is so high.

He can't even do Barney.

So high.

I'm typing this correctly.

Picture of Gaisler

on Barney's Beanery roof,

I guess.

I mean,

there was pictures

all over the internet

at one point.

Where is it?

Am I crazy?

Is this one of those,

what do you call them?

A Mandela effect

where we know

it said something on the roof?

I think it's a Mandela effect. No, no, no.
Look at that. I always thought it was this one, Andrew, honestly.
Maybe that is it. That's the famous Barneys.
Am I losing my mind that it used to say it? I've never heard that. I never heard that.
Well, you just saw the article about it, so it is true. It's weird.
I've sucked three dicks in Barneys being a real. I just know.
So can I ask you about Barneys? Yeah. Back in the day, there were a lot of chicks.
There were a lot of chicks. Yeah.
I usually go out on the east side and it's more like a hipster vibe over by where I live in Echo Park and Silver Lake. I don't really go out in WeHo that much, but everyone there is like aggressive.
They're like really hot, but pretentious and they kind of look like Nepo babies. Nepo babies.
Nepo babies. Something you wish you were.
You're just a bum from Minnesota. You got no connections in this business.
But it was kind of fun being at Barney's. Because with this, it felt like I had a suicide vest on.
Be honest. Have you gotten laid? Since? Yeah.
No. Since you've shaved your head like this.
No. Do you think this is a deterrent? Oh, yeah.
Not helping. He showed me a video of this really hot girl that apparently he soaks up with, and then he takes off his hat, and it's like a reveal video, and the girl's like freaked out.
And it's kind of offensive to me because that's what I really just look like. Yeah, that's what you look like all the time.
That's why he did it as a bit. Now, what's the goal with this?

Are we going to keep shaving your head?

How are we going to get through this?

No, I think I'm going to mullet it once it grows.

My hair is...

I'm just going to look weird for like a few months.

It's not weird, dude.

Why don't you shave the whole thing and then start from the beginning?

I like...

Dude, you are balding though, aren't you?

When I have this...

Yeah.

It's like nothing has changed.

Yeah, I mean this looks... Yeah, but then you take your hat off when you get a girl to your apartment and she's going to be bummed.
Unless you keep your hat on the whole time that you're hooking up. Hat stays on.
So did you say that to her? Hat stays on. Hat stays on.
I can imagine that could... Do you think that would work if you could get butt naked and just leave the hat on? It doesn't work.
You've tried? I've tried. It doesn't work.
Yeah, we should ask the resident bald guy. Yeah, tried it doesn't work it's not cool to do you just gotta like be up front you gotta post pictures of yourself looking the way you are on you've tried okay so back in the beginning when you were going bald like this you'd get a girl to hang out with you and you would just try to keep the hat on the whole time did any of them say take it off when they do ask to take it off i will take it off but sometimes they don't what's the response if you take it have you ever had a girl you take it off, I will take it off, but sometimes they don't.
What's the response if you take it off? Have you ever had a girl, you take it off and she goes, I got to get out of here? No, never. Never.
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So check this out, man. It's displate.com slash bad friends code bad friends displate collect your passions it's like if you were a girl with a girl and she goes excuse me i gotta take something she took her legs off gotta go sorry gotta go no you're already in the bed dude i yes legs yeah yeah yeah you're already in the bed excuse me one second yeah yeah what is she mrs potato head she's just taking off portions of her body? No.
I'd love to know that. You're already in the bed.
Excuse me one second. Yeah, yeah.
What is she, Mrs. Potato Head?

She's just taking off portions of her body?

No.

I'd love to know that.

You know what I do?

That's what a nice guy I am.

After we make love?

You'd want to know.

I take the prosthetics and I put the Vaseline in to put it back on their legs.

The funny thing, you think they use Vaseline to put it back on?

How do they get on?

Well, it depends, but a lot of them link in.

It snaps in.

Into their skin?

Do you need Vaseline?

In their skin?

I'm not. back on.
How do they get on? Well, they're, a lot of, it depends, but a lot of them link in, they like, it snaps in.

Into their skin? Do you need Vaseline? In their skin?

Yeah. Yeah, they have hooks in their

skin, just hanging out, just like

fishing hooks. Anyway.
You would

not, you're a liar. And I also would

carry them. Well, like

in play We Are the Champions

by Queen, after you had sex?

Yeah. Parade her around? Yeah, hooray! You know? You be honest.
If you got home to a girl that you're dating and she just takes them both off, you're not going to react any type of way. I'm not saying you kick her out of bed, but you're not going to go, oh shit, I didn't know you didn't have fucking legs.
I use my acting skills. Do them right now.
I would go pretend like it's not like it's not. She's not taking off limbs.
Yeah, so do it. I've had such a good night.
Me too. I'm feeling frisky.
I feel frisky too. Wow.
Oh, I feel so much better. Look.
Oh, look at the... Oh, when I rub my nubs, it feels so good after a long day.
Are you thirsty? Sometimes I hit my, look at this, there's no place like home. There's no place like home.
Are you thirsty? I hit my nubs together. Will you get some lotion and rub up my nubs, please? Have you ever licked a nub in bed? Ooh, you want a nub? You're right, you're right.
It would never work. Well, if they did it that way.
They got to say something about it. They're not going to lick my nubs.
They're going to say something. They have two fucking legs missing.
They're going to say a joke or they're going to be self-aware. Yeah, yeah.
They have to. Carlos makes a joke.
When he takes his hat off, he makes a joke. I always go, oh, I have crazy hair.
And they go, but they always go, I know, because every girl nowadays Googles you before you go out. Yeah, but you especially because you have a little bit of public recognition now.

But before that, you would make jokes about it.

Oh, my God.

He would say, you told me one time, you'd go, oh, I'm having a bad hair day.

And he would take his hat off and the girls like it.

Yeah.

That's a killer line.

I'm having a bad hair day.

You know what's worse than no legs?

Having a prosthetic vagina.

Who has those?

I don't know.

Trans people.

Right?

And then boom. Boom.
That would be a bummer. Trans people.
Right? And then boom.

Boom.

That would be a bummer.

Can you hold this?

Yeah.

I'd grab the thing and just start fucking tatters.

Yeah.

Prosthetic, any prosthetic.

You're right.

You're right.

You're absolutely it.

What about eyeball?

Like one eyeball?

Just.

Yeah.

Comes right out? Yeah. That would be funny.
I would ask if I could use it. Oh, you do? What? I'd be like, oh, there's another hole.
Oh, right, right. There's one more hole.
I see, I see. I mean, imagine, though, if she did take her eyeball out.
Yeah. What if she took her eyeball out and she was like let's use this for foreplay a bead yeah one bead well it's not her eyeball yeah it's a but it's fake yeah it's not a real eyeball just it's a marble or a glass they made of glass so the ball glass eyes the ball goes in my hole of course it does but guess what what it comes out of your mouth goes in your butt and you go yeah wow what are they made of glass what are most fake eyes made out of glass eye were really made of glass then now they're made of hard plastic acrylic of course that makes sense the glass would be so much more dope to have a glass eyeball but i bet you it's just too how much is it i want to know like if i want to buy one, let's order a couple of glass eyes to the studio.
No, but I want to see how high-end it goes. Holy shit, $8,000.
The cheap one's $2,500. I bet you I can get you one on the east side of LA for like $40.
I bet you in my life I can go get you one for $40. Like it's made out of wood? Yeah.
Cuban style eye. Used.
It says used on Etsy. 20 bucks.
Oh, 20 bucks used. That's fine.
Hand-blown glass eye. See, I'm sure people get them for cheap.
But you could get a dope one for $8,300. Okay, Bob.
Let me see when $8,300 eye is. They last 10 years, too.
That's long enough. Bob, can you think about that? What? If you lost an eye, how dope would you customize your eye? Oh, my god, I have like pterodactyl eyes.
He's so cool. I would have eyes that are like so otherworldly.
Yeah, I'd want something. Oh, look at that guy up top.
Look at the first picture up top. That guy third in.
That's cool. See, if you lose an eye, you gotta walk into the fire.
Oh, you know what I would do? Cyclops. That's the way.
Or I would do one Marty Feldman eye. What?

Marty Feldman?

Yeah, what do you mean?

Look at his eyes.

I would do one gigantic eye.

Just a huge eye like that?

Yeah.

But it's always looking the wrong way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would put a gigantic Marty Feldman eye.

Imagine having a conversation with that guy.

Like imagine if you come over to his house and you work for like the gas company.

You know when he has to do like mundane stuff? Yeah. He looks cool in that photo.
I think when he bulges his eyes out, like that's weird, but. Well, that's his thing.
When does he not bulge? That's what he looks like. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, yeah. I like it.
This dog's looking over there. That dog's looking over there.
But he was such a great actor. I don't know what he was in other than knowing he

was young frankenstein yeah but what else i don't know okay so yeah that's it but he was great in that okay fine they needed a guy who could look both ways at the same time what has he done marty feldman should have been a crossing guard at one point in his life yeah he should be in all eye movies eye movies. Hills have eyes.
Yeah, Marty has eyes. Yeah, yeah.
Eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shut.
Marty eyes wide shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He did a lot of stuff, obviously, but the one thing that took off clearly was Young Frankenstein. That's the only thing he really was going to pop from.
Yeah. I mean, that's so good.
Anybody listening to, if you've never seen that movie, you're dumb. Young Frankenstein.
One of the funniest movies ever made. You gotta see it.
Classic, right? Andreas, can you back me up on that? Awesome movie. Yeah, yeah.
It is very, very funny. That is one of those.
What would you say that 70s, 80s, the iconic, 70s iconic comedy movies that you have to watch? Well, I would say if you're a comedy fan and you're young now, you probably don't know Monty Python and I would highly suggest watching Monty Python. I say sleeper sleeper woody allen sleeper yeah sleeper i would do um mel brooks anything mel brooks really did blazing saddles but i would also say probably go back and watch like uh like old school shit like watch like i would say look up chaplin stuff because you want to talk about the original shit.
That dude was the original shit. You don't watch Chaplin.

What do you mean?

I'm not popping it in now, but I have seen it.

That's why-

So funny.

No, dude, it's so funny.

How funny?

It's not funny.

Yes, I swear to God it is.

I promise you it is.

You're doing it right now.

Yeah.

Is that funny?

Yeah.

You'd have been Charlie, Charlie Chaplin.

Just be in the jungle.

They're shooting at me.

Oh, my God.

That's a great movie.

Charlie, Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie, Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie, Charlie.

That would be great.

Yeah.

No, I really do.

I mean, in the history of time, when I've watched these old movies you go i get where comedy now i see bruise from yeah like you don't watch it again but you go oh my god that's where so-and-so gets the way he falls the way farley falls right the way farley did pratt yeah falls that was indicative of so many other big fucking uh what's his name um buster keaton huh buster keaton well buster keaton for sure fatty arbuckle yeah right it's like all these guys that were like overweight that like did physical comedy yeah you saw it again and again and again in our new guy i mean we do it we steal from oh yeah whatever comedy from our history and our childhood was in our mind the way our brains and our faces work yeah who was a comic when you were a kid that you try to emulate or an actor that you would do his motions nobody you never saw a guy and you tried like the obvious reason for me i would scream like sam kennison in the bathroom but that's it no that's see that's a big thing because that does help yeah that's what you do on stage sometimes yeah yeah without you know yeah yeah i'm very influenced by him mine was always i mean jim was everything jim did i wanted to mock let me ask you something and this is gonna be a weird question to ask you okay yeah so when we were when i was a kid in stand-up i would because i never did the main room back then right and you see all the comics back there. And I would look up to them,

and I'd go,

wow, they're cool, this and that.

But when we're back there,

it doesn't feel like we're cool.

No, they don't like us.

Has it changed?

No, that's not true.

I'm sure that younger comics-

People look at it like,

oh, there's Andrew Centino, Bobby Lee, or whatever.

Some comics.

I mean, I'm sure not all of them like all of us.

Because my argument is this,

and I'm not going to call out names, but here we go. The doormen at the comedy store sometimes feel too comfortable.
Oh, wow. They talk to me as if – why are you laughing, McCone? Because I've seen it.
Yeah. They talk to me as if they're headliners too.
Like, you know. Why don't you say something to them then? I try, but it's like, I go, you're acting like you're a headliner.
And no offense, I've had your job, but it's like, you know, you give me a noogie. They're grabbing you? Yeah.
Really? Oh, yeah. Push me around.
I've never seen this. Yeah.
Go dance. They don't do it in front of you.
They do it in front of you they do in front of me though yeah they would not do that and I'm like I would I would not wait a second I'm what happened to the rules we gotta fight back then what do I do punch man punch back well you can't punch spit lick oh lick I do too I do too much of that I think that's what it is too right so you play with them too much or they think it's comfortable to play back? Well, there's some, like...

Yeah, okay.

Go ahead.

Well, I mean...

Go ahead.

Like Chappelle Lacey.

What do you do to Chappelle?

Well, the other day he walked by me

and he crushed his fingers against my neck.

Can you imagine?

He would fucking murder you.

That dude is so strong. I know.
He would fucking break you. That dude is so strong.

I know.

He would fucking break you.

But when he's playing with me,

he pretends I'm like a baby chimp.

To him, you are.

I know.

You're just a little.

You can see him kind of letting me.

Dude, he could crack you like a fortune cookie.

I know.

I understand that.

Like a little fortune cookie,

just right in the middle.

What can't just be like an oatmeal cookie?

Just a little fortune cookie.

I can't be a peanut butter cookie. No, because just like a fortune all right you're filled with wisdom that's right see yeah but so i him and i stopped doing to ian edwards well he doesn't like to be with you don't touch ian ian's very i did it for 20 years yeah it's not a good idea yeah he's still not over it it's weird i just like i'll tackle him from behind and come on fam yeah but with the young guys there They just they don't have the same respect I don't know if this is true, but do you to you and sebastian.
I see how they treat you guys I think they look at you like this No, that's not I see I've seen it That's the other day. I swear to god.
They were like Look at you like this like everything you say is wisdom with me. They they're like, well, what are you?

But they push me around and stuff.

And they're like.

Well, that's the end of it tonight.

We're not putting up with any of that anymore.

No more.

And I would call out names.

Well, do it.

But I will not.

Oh.

I will not because I want to give everyone a shot.

But it's like I've noticed that.

And you know, I'm glad, McCollum, that you've seen it.

He's seen it.

I know.

He's hanging around the store a little bit too much. Yeah.
It does bother me. He was chumming it up with what's-her-name the other night.
Who? Curly-haired girl. Angie? Angie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's buddying up way too close to her.
Oh, the girl you hung out with instead of him that one night? What does that mean? What are you implying? Hi, guy? I'm not hi, bro. Yeah, what are you implying though? No, I was just trying to like remember.

Listen, guy.

Hey, guy.

Check this out, dude.

Oh, I was just trying to remember.

Listen, guy.

Okay.

All right.

What's up?

I'm, I like to take, like we did with Jesse, with other people.

And I did it with Esther.

I did it with Benji.

I did it with a bunch of.

You've done it with me.

Yeah, you.

I've done it with Sandy Dan to all these guys, right?

I like to mentor and take him to dinner and go, here are the ropes. Do you need any help? I promise I wasn't implying anything else.
I don't know what you're implying, friend. There's no dark magic or art.
I did it with you. I know.
And here I am. Thank you.
Yeah. You're welcome.
I appreciate it. Yeah.
Yeah, it was a bad idea to do it.

Sometimes you make a mistake.

Your instinct is wrong.

Your instincts are wrong.

You're going to pick a few bad horses.

Yes, dude. They're not all going to win the race.

I still think of you when we pass by some of those places.

What places?

When he's picking up crack at night.

No, we went to the newsroom cafe on Robertson.

That's gone.

Well, we went back in the day.

Yeah, I remember.

Where's the nicest place he took you? The Chinese place on Beverly with Charlie. Charlie Finn.
Yeah, he was cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Charlie Finn. You know Charlie Finn? I don't know who that is.
He's like one of my best friends, Charlie Finn. Charlie Finn was on a sitcom with Zack Knighton and Miles Jobrani.
I'll show you the picture, but we... Life on a Stick.
Just for Andrew. Oh, yeah, I like this guy.
Yeah. I know him.
I like him. Yeah.
And Charlie Finn is so funny. What a face on that guy.
He was Super Troopers. He was so good.
So good in Super Troopers, yeah. But he's one of my best buddies in the whole world, that guy.
Yeah? Yeah. Look, you come up when you Google him.
Huh? Interesting. Of course.
What did you do together? That's why. You shot something together? No.
Him and I. So I was on Mad TV and he was on Life on a Stick.
It was a bug show? No. So they did a TV show called Life on a Stick with Zach Knighton, who's on Magnum PI, Miles Drabani, and Charlie.
And it was a show about. Life on a Stick.
Hot Dog on a Stick. Oh, they worked at Hot Dog.
Who's the girl? I know who the girl is, but- Well, let's find out. So they- Yeah, they work on a hot dog on a stick.
Oh, I see why this one didn't taste. I know, I know.
It's crazy. You know what the irony is? Yeah.
This has feelers. It feels to me reminiscent of the two broke girls.
It has that same vibe. Right.
It's got the same colorization, the same look. the same look.
It's shot the same way. This is what always bothered me about TV back in the day.
We only found out recently. Look at her fucking hair.
Her hair, the girl who works at the hot dog stand doesn't have fucking hair like that. These good looking kids don't work at hot dog stands.
You know who works at a hot dog stand? McCone. That's who works at a stand.
Exactly. Take off your hat.
This is the kid you see in the mall going, you guys want a hot dog? That's who does it. Yeah.
Not some beautiful girl and two really good looking guys. That was the problem of TV.
They casted hot people in non-hot roles. Is that a DVD? It's fan made.
It even says it. Oh, right.
Fan made. Jesus Christ.
By the way, you know who works in a hot dog stand today? Who? You and me. What do you mean? We would pass on a show like this today.
Oh, that's true. You can't get two hot people on there.
You got to get two guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Two goof asses who failed out of life. But anyway.
Who was the girl? Look up the name right there. Go back to all.
I'd like to see what her name is to see if she's now Lily. Oh, no.
Sage Thompson and Rochelle Lefair. Zach is killing it, but I still talk to Zach.
I'm sure they're all doing great. I mean, I want to see it.
We all do shows that didn't go. Yeah.
But it's good. I mean, I'm sure they're all, you know, we keep moving along in this business.
Yeah. You try these pilots.
I've tried so many, but you've tried so many pilots. You've tried so many pilots.
Try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Yeah.
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You're maybe one of the best brothers I've ever known. We all know how much of a hassle buying car can be, right? It stinks.
You spend so much time driving around, right, Andrew, trying to find the perfect car? I hate it. You go from dealership to dealership, and you're like, I want to go get lunch.
I don't want to hassle. I don't want to haggle and negotiate.
Poof. Poof.
Now what we got? We got Vroom. We got Vroom.
It's so much easier. No more, man.
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You did get me stuff. You always have a good time.
Well, I do. I did an ATV ride.
That was great. I did a little beautiful little hike.
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You'll remember, do more with Viator. Can you call our friend? Oh, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on now? I got a little present for you.
Oh, I love it. It's a big...
Dude, this is wild. All right.
Does he know? Yeah, we just texted a couple seconds ago. Who is it? Hello? Hello? Hello, yes.
Hello. Is this the great Michael Winslow? What's the last of him? Hello? Hello, yes.

Hello.

Is this the great Michael Winslow?

What's left of him?

Wait, what do you mean?

What do you mean what's left of you?

We're on the phone with the great Michael Winslow.

He's a legend.

A legend.

We talked about you.

But Michael, do you live in L.A. or no?

Oh, I'm in Florida, but I'm also up in Washington. We're up outside of Olympia right now.
Oh, you are? You're on the road? Yeah, we're in the mountains right now. In the mountains.
So for people we want to explain at home, one of the- We have Starlink in the mountains, so- Oh, you're Starlink in it up there. You got Elon technology.
Ooh, fancy. Fancy boy.
I mean, how else am I going to upload and download 4K if I want to do stuff? That exactly right the porn one of the greatest actors and voice actors here's the thing you gotta be able to have especially for music oh my gosh i got i gotta have data link stuff because we do you know i got music coming coming out mr windlow what do you think i gotta have i gotta have that quality to be able to uplink what do you think if starlink had uh what would it sound like when it was communicating through space zapping down to

you well remember in space no one can hear you scream you still got it in spades you have to understand as long as everybody makes noises you you guys know that every person man woman whoever you got a skill set you got the sounds but we don't use it you could have so much fun and it could go so many different ways provided you use the sounds for the proper good. Michael do you now do you during the course of the day do you continually imitate things that you hear as you go about the course of your day and put it down in your phone to like give yourself notes to keep working on sound that sounded just like a cough without a cough sorry let me put my headphones on here i'm just trying that was good that sounded exactly like a real cough yeah uh well uh here up up in the mountains we have this thing called scotch broom it's it's pollen and um if you're are you you guys use your voices every day so you understand yes yeah yeah yeah yeah we've had a lot of a lot of allergens in the air i don't know if you heard me i was saying during the course of the day, so you understand.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we've had a lot of allergens in the air.

I don't know if you heard me.

I was saying during the course of the day, do you record yourself listening to sounds

and you imitate them during the course of the day?

Do you ever do that?

Not necessarily.

It depends on what the day is.

If I'm doing voiceover stuff, I'm listening for what possibilities I can bring into it.

Right.

Okay.

If I do a sound, do you think you could find out quickly what it is?

Because I feel like you're such in tune with noises.

All right.

I'm going for what possibilities I can bring into it. Right.
Okay. If I do a sound, do you think you could find out quickly what it is? Because I feel like you're such in tune with noises.
All right. I'm going to do a sound.
You tell me what you think it is. Ready? Are you going to make it or is this an actual recording? I'm going to make it.
I promise. And then I want you to tell me what you think it is.
Ready? Go ahead. What do you think? Hang on.
Let me ask my hip-hop app, Sneary. Yo, Sneary, what do you think that is? Yo, I think it is a vacuum cleaner.
Whoa, Siri. Whoa, Siri.

I got to be honest with you.

No, no, no.

This is their cousin Sneary with an N.

Oh, Sneary.

Rad.

Wow.

I hate to tell you that was a Tesla Model X,

but it does sound like a vacuum cleaner.

Let's try one more time.

You got a noise, Bob?

Here you go. I don't got it.

Here you go now what do we think that is I think it's if I'm not mistaken what do you think Snary yo you're on your own. Yo.
Thanks. Snarey doesn't know.
Thanks. Well, you know what? I did buy it at the Snooper market.
So, you know, she was next to the Snoop Loops. Snoop Loops.
Oh, Snoop Loops. Oh, by the way, you can get those.
Anyway, what I think that is, to me, because of my sense of humor, it kind of sounds like a sheep trying to get out of a Tesla. That's what it is.
That's what it was. That's what it is.
That's exactly what it was. Whoa, dude.
You're kidding. You're kidding.
Yeah, that's what it is. You are a legend.
Oh, you're a legend, dude. Unbelievable.
I really appreciate you listening to our sounds. I do want to see if we could do it back with you.
Will you make a sound and see if maybe I can identify what it is? Yeah. Oh, I already did.
But anyway.

Oh, let's see. Yeah.
What do you got in the chamber, baby?

Oh, in terms of the chamber. Well, let.
Owl, what up, yo? Mean who? Mean fool? Mean fool? Sorry, that's Mr. Owl.
By the way, where's my Tootsie pops fucking amazing amazing amazing i don't want to take up too much of your time we appreciate we just we talked about you on the podcast we're huge to reach out to you we're huge fans and we really appreciate you and we love you and uh thank you thank you so much for taking the time when you come down to la will you Oh, absolutely. I'd be honored.
And besides, you guys make noises. Are you kidding me? We do.
We do. We do.
Not like you, but we do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're different. We could work on it.
We could work on it. Oh, we would love that.
I would take class. I would absolutely love it.
I would absolutely take one of your classes. Yeah.
Here, with us. Let me give you one that give you one that's easy.
Right. OK.
OK.

This is something that they use in all of the science fiction films regarding trolls and elks and orcs and everything else. Bobby's an orc.
I'm an orc. This is one of the Lord of the Rings type of noises.
OK. Something simple.
Horse hoofs. Are you ready? Yes.
OK. How? How?

How? Horse hoofs. Are you ready? Horse hoofs.
Yes. Okay, this is easy.

Wow.

How, how, how?

So.

Wow.

You know, that also sounds, yeah.

It sounds like.

And don't forget, and don't forget.

Oh, yeah.

He farted.

He farted. Oh, actually, that's the wrong end, but you're close.
We want to tell you that we love you and we appreciate you. And we'll be talking to you soon because we want to get you on the show.
Will you guys continue to make noises and breaking rules and organize that? We shall. We shall.
Thank you, Michael. You're the best.
Bye, Michael. You're the best.
So that's incredible. That man is an amazing machine.
God, I wish we could do that. You can.
You did it. Yours is way better than mine.
Let's hear when a phone gets disconnected. No.
That's pretty good

Really?

Yeah

What about you?

Let's do an open

He did opening a door

Do opening a door

Perfect

Really?

That's so good

You do one

Whoa

That's all my doors

They sound like

Oh they do?

Well they gotta be

They're too wedged to the ground

But those are easy ones

Let's try to do a hard one

Okay

Like a car engine

I don't know if I

Can you do

Yeah man Thank you. That's all my doors.
They sound like. Oh, they do? Well, they got to be.
They're too wedged to the ground. But those are easy ones.
Let's try to do a hard one.

Okay.

Like a car engine.

I don't know if I can do.

Yeah, man.

Go ahead.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How about this?

Do a toaster.

Okay.

Hold on. Hold on.
Let me try. It's hard, ready? Mine's like this Mine's like Bread Oh wow Yeah, we tuned mine to say bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is this?

What do you got?

Here, I have this.

Bro, we didn't see any banana somewhere, right?

Yeah, little Chinese kid sees a black guy.

Why do they react that way? Why do they react that way? I don't know that that's why. She said foreigner, foreigner, little black, little black.
No, he didn't. It's translated right there on the screen.
He goes, where's the banana? He said that? Yeah, but I think he's just genuinely looking for bananas that have something to do with. And the kid was going, I know Chinese.
Bro, any

banana somewhere, right?

Okay, stop, stop, stop. So that, there's

two things going on. It's a racist little kid.
No, that's not

what it is. That is a racist little kid.

Grandma, look.

Foreigner, right?

African.

Little black, little black.

What the crap is? That is crazy. That is insane that she...
Man, that little Chinese girl. Let's cancel her.
Let's find out where she lives. Her preschool is.
And cancel her. And cancel her.
Take away her toys. Yeah.
Wow. We won't stand for this kind of behavior in our society anymore.
And I mean it. Cancel this young little Chinese girl.
Thank you, Carlos, for bringing that to my attention. Yeah, no problem, man.
These young Chinese kids. But there was a video I saw of a black guy in Africa meeting a white girl and he ran away.
It's the same thing. No, it's not.
It is. No, because historically, whites that meet Africans, probably not a good look.
Yes. Africans see whites coming, and they're like,

get these fucking pigs out of here.

Okay.

Not the same.

Everything that's coming out is the Get Out trailer.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, was that just the movie Get Out that you thought it was?

Yeah, I think it was Jordan's movie.

I saw a movie.

That's what it was

That is insane

Wow that's a crazy video

Give me something Carlos

Pig

I just found out

I'm up for two Grammys

My very first time you guys

Wow

My name is Bobby Storm

And I'm up for two Grammys

Two And I'm up for two Grammys. Two? I don't need anything.
I need you by my side. Shine your light up my low.
Are you going to be quiet? But they're enjoying it. So while we're sitting here, could I please? I'm not enjoying it.
So I'm asking you, can you be quiet? Okay, well, I'll find that up. That's a yes or no.
Is this fake? No, it's not fake. Okay.
Wait a minute. She's nominated for two Grammy.
Okay, what is she though? Yeah, TMZ is reporting that she's like an actual gospel singer nominated for the Grammy. Her name is Bobby Storm.
Wait a minute. And this flight attendant really told her to shut up? Yeah.
Just get her on a Southwest flight. Those idiots sing all the time.
I mean, she's not in Delta Comfort either. She's like a normal coach.
Are you judging her by her class? Even I fly Delta Comfort. Yeah, and you don't deserve it.
You know what, Bob? We're knocking him down. He's not flying Comfort anymore because of that last comment.
You think you're better than the girl that won two Grammys? You're not. I am because I don't yell during flights.
Well, yeah, you're on drugs. You pass out the whole time.
You're intoxicated the whole flight. Have you ever taken a bad friend's flight with us and not been on drugs or alcohol no of course not but don't you want it that way so i'm medicated i wanna i just don't want you to have a freak out moment of that guy's not real like that chick while you're baked on something she's doing i i know i know what the situation is now well let's finish it let's see the rest i know't...
Can you please answer my question? Are you willing and able to be quiet right now? I'm doing what the Lord is telling me to do. I'm asking you a question, yes or no.
I'm your flight leader. I need you to follow my instruction.
Okay. My instruction for you to answer my question.
Are you able to be quiet right now? What do you guys think? I'm asking you, man. I'm asking you guys.
He better break out in song, too. If you're not able to follow my instruction, you will not be taking this flight.
Ah, okay. Are you able to be quiet? If that's the case, then that's fine.
If you are the person in charge of it all. I'm your flight leader, yes.
If you are the person in charge of it all, then that's fine. Okay, all right.
Thank you. I don't buy this.
I don't buy it. They're both in the wrong.
Time out. I don't buy that this guy.
Oh, they're not? How could this happen? He sees the camera the whole time. You're telling me that guy sees that camera and is acting like that? I think she's the middle seat guy.
Like, I would have started filming too if something was done. Gospel singer Bobby Storm nearly kicked off.
No, he was filming the whole time she announced that she won the Grammy. She must know the human that filmed this, dude.

No.

It's filming while she announces I won a Grammy.

It's not as if he's aware

of what's going on.

What if the guy's like slyly doing it?

He's not! Look at how fucking obvious it is! You can tell

he's not hiding it. What are you angry about?

Because this makes me mad. This isn't real.

There's something about this that looks fake as

fuck. I call fake as fuck on this.
There's something about this that looks fake as fuck.

I call fake as fuck on this.

This is a faff moment.

Fake as fuck.

Carlos is going to go on his own profile now?

No, it's because I saved it. I get it.

Look.

Okay, let's just break it down.

Look at how coordinated this is.

Let's break it down.

You're getting angry.

My very first time, you guys.

My name is Bobby Storm.

Stop for a second. Stop it.
So what you're saying is everyone's in on it? No, goofball. The guy that's filming it is clearly in on it.
Look at how clear the image is. Him recording this girl.
She said But some of those little cameras now with the CIA and stuff? Cut it out if we're going to have a real argument. Cut it out.
Cut out what? Cut that bullshit out. This isn't a little fucking CIA.
You're really angry about that? This guy isn't coach. This isn't CIA.
He's filming on his fucking iPhone like this. Okay.
And she said, film me. She turned around.
She told all the people on the plane, I'm up for two Grammy nominations. This fucking flight attendant is definitely in on this.
There's no chance he would act like this because she's singing. Oh, so they did that so she could get more? Yes! No! What's the...
Because it blew up on the fucking internet and we're talking about it! It worked! It worked like a charm. She won.
Look at us. We have to do it.
Yes, let's blow up on the next flight. No, we're not going to blow up a flight.
We mean blow up the next flight. Wow, I never...
So obvious it's all overZ. Yeah, Carlos, bring a gun to the airport when we fly out.

We could bring the gun on the flight and then I could pull it out.

Yeah, bring the gun on the flight.

You could tackle me and we could go viral.

Yeah, bring a gun to the airport, Carlos.

That's not the same thing, I don't think.

Who do we hire here?

But we could put bad friends on the gun.

You know what it is?

I want you to strip naked on the plane and sing Daddy While You Die.

And I'll record it.

Done.

That's interesting. Press play again.
Watch. And I'm up for two Grammys.
I don't need anything. I need you.
Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Really.
Rewind it right before it cuts. He was already there.
He was already there. Correct.
And he was listening to her. Thank you.
Interesting. Interesting.
Go ahead. Now she's singing beautifully, by the way.
Are you going to be quiet? But they're enjoying it. Stop for a second.
Are you going to be quiet? Why would he do it? She's just chatting. It's not illegal to sing.
Look at the back of her head. Let's see.
Is she a robot? She's AI? No. She's white.
This is a girl in blackface. Look at the back of her head.
This is a girl in blackface. Yeah, it's blackface.
Wow, good find. Whoa, dude.
I thought that was a plug. I thought she was plugged in somewhere.
I thought she was AI. Yeah, no.
Well, we found you out. We found you out, Whitey.
Whitey. What's her name? She did a good job.
Bobby Storm. I don't believe the second of this.
In fact, get her on the show if you want to talk about it because I think this is phony baloney. Incredible though.
But if- Who would stop a woman from singing beautiful music? That doesn't make sense. Well, I was the- My other theory was is that he's better.
I thought he was going to start singing with her and duet. That's what I thought.
No, but I thought like I have this job. It was a great job, right? But you're getting a Grammy, but I can sing better.
So what? So he's like, watch this. Shut the fuck up.
I don't want to. Yeah, that would have been dope if he did that.
Yeah. Then I would have been like, this is a flight attendant.
By the way, I don't want to. Then where's my Grammy? When we fly and the flight attendants do that thing where they like get chummy and sing and make jokes.
Cut it out. Cut it the fuck out.
I don't want jokes. We're in a flying machine in the sky.
You're really negative right now, dude. What if they're gay though? They're all gay.
They're all gay, dude. What are you talking about? There isn't one guy flight attendant that's that.
You think that guy wasn't gay? Well, that's what I was saying. It's on the job description.
But I don't like when the girls like do their thing. But when the guys do it, I'm like, yeah, it's okay.
I don't like when anybody's song and dances. When the whole plane laughs, though, and the guy makes a joke, I always look at everyone I can look at and I go...
Because you're jealous. What? I think I'm jealous a little bit.
I'm not jealous. I'm just on a machine where I'm flying in the sky.
I just want to go to the place I'm going. I don't need to be like a funny pilot.
I don't, nobody needs a funny pilot. Hey, we're going to be going over the Rockies today.
Might be a little bump or a little Rocky, if you might add. Fuck off.
Fuck off. You're flying a plane.
Fuck off. Don't make a joke.
You're in a death machine in the sky. There's nothing fun.
I don't want a funny pilot. I don't want a uh i don't want a nice bartender there's some things that require different vibes but doesn't it but but let me i was just gonna say about flying i do have something to say about that i don't want a funny pilot i don't want a nice bartender i don't want a non-racist cop but the things i like right but in a plane right it's some people have tension and anxiety right and sometimes a funny pilot or funny okay you're a funny pilot and i'm a guy on a flight with terrible anxiety yeah okay get over the pa system and make a joke here we go well guys uh we're gonna have a safe and uh nice ride i've only crashed three of them I'm kidding folks There's a bomb on the plane

There's a bomb on the plane! There's a bomb on the plane! There's a bomb on the plane! Well, you incited it, because you're a goofball pilot. Lol, lol, lol.
Not funny. Fly the can.
But don't you think that, like... Just get me to Spokane! What if there was a funny, like, Nazi soldier that was funny during the camp?

Doesn't that...

His personality, no?

What would a funny Nazi soldier be like?

I don't know.

Give us an example.

Yeah.

You do the accents.

Go ahead.

You're the funny Nazi.

You know?

I'm someone you're...

Please don't hurt me. Please don't...
I'm not kidding. I don't know.
We'll get Michael Winslow on the phone. He'll do a funny Nazi.
I don't know. Can we talk anything about love or dating or anything with you or not? Oh, no.
Yeah, I have an update. Let's give an update.
Oh, hold on. Bobby Love Update, it's a Bobby Love Update.
Bobby Love Update, it's a Bobby Love Update. Oh, the song isn't that long.
We gotta read it. Oh shit, sorry.
What's an update? Let's go. I'm gonna die alone.
Shut up. No, I'm done.
what do you mean you're done i i realized i don't want to do it yes you do i don't know i carlos you get what i'm saying no here's what it is first of all don't be on carlos i know we're in the same tribe please yeah he's on substances it's just i can't do it what can't you do conversations with with women yeah i just everything annoys me i've never met anybody where i'm like oh i'm not annoyed you don't like small talk i don't like what they sometimes even have to say even most of the time well i mean i mean you have to be obsessed with them to be into it i have to be like obsessed to be into it yeah yeah i mean it's like you know you have to be in love what are you being obsessed what a gross word yeah i have to have like a crush on them yeah say that it's like you know when they say stuff like you know i love the fall when when when leaves change color lou the guy i have to be obsessed with them like what a creep but i get what he's saying though i have to want to stalk them yeah you have to have that that's. That's actually true.
Crush. You have to have a crush.
A crush. Yeah, yeah.
That's what it means. Yeah, yeah.
Not stalk. Yeah.
But when they say stuff like, you know, like the fall, the leaves change color. They say stuff like that.
And you go, yeah. But you don't like any of that.
No. What kind of conversation do you want? You want deep philosophical shit? You want a girl to be like, what's the meaning of life? No, like where?...
You know, what if a girl said this to you on a date? First date. Give me an example.
Why can't totally different foods mix? Like, if I took a California roll, and I had it with beef stroganoff, why can't I do that? See, that right there is more interesting to me. I know, I'm saying.
So you want you as a girl. And I'd like, yeah, dude, right? Let's get you as a girl.
Yeah. Let's find.
Girls out there. Here, we're putting it out to fans.
If you're a weirdo chick. That's not a weirdo thing.
100% it is. No, because listen to people's conversations.
It's all whack. Conversations are mostly bullshit.
When I hear people talk, I go, what are they talking about? So find a weirdo that you can have don't want i don't like the connotation that you're saying it's weird you are weird i'm not weird it's not a weird thing i just i'm uh i don't know the word i'm uh eccentric eccentric yeah that's like a nice way weird unique yeah unique yeah i'm unique yeah weird yeah dude you're weird i'm weird we're weird no it's okay it's like you know like we're weird it's okay well so i can't like even if i start a conversation with a girl they just don't know what i'm talking about it's like i go dude you think that like the talking heads were just on um what's so funny steven colbert yeah all four of them they haven't announced a reunion tour so i you know I was on a date and I go so what does that mean do you think and she's like what's that and I go what's what the talking heads alright you called me and I go what you called me yeah didn't I call you about that yeah we called you talked to me about it yeah yeah you asked me about the talking heads and we went over their albums yeah yeah my point is see I'd fuck you so then'd fuck you. So then you should date me.
I'd fuck you. Well, then let's date me.

But like, yeah, that's what I, I want a girl that doesn't look like that, but has shares

similar, you know what I mean?

All right.

And somebody also, that's funny.

So me, why don't you just date me?

I don't want to fuck you though.

You're ugly to me.

I'm not ugly.

I'm not as tragic as you.

Oh, get over it.

Also, can I just say something about you?

You haven't dated?

You're also temperamental.

So are you.

Yeah, I don't want to go out temperamental.

Fine.

All right.

You're too temperamental.

Let's go. I'm not as fast as you.
Oh, get over it. Also, can I just say that you're also temperamental.
So are you.

Yeah, I don't want to go out with temperamental.

Fine.

All right.

You're too temperamental.

Let's put it out there.

If you're a girl

who's a little eccentric.

Like Carlos, actually.

Ew, what?

You would fuck him

before you'd fuck me?

A female version of him, yeah.

You'd fuck him

before you'd fuck me?

Out of all the people in the room,

probably he's first,

McCone's second,

you're third,

and Andreas is fourth. I'm okay with that yeah okay I'm not why? that pisses me off shut the fuck up dude I'm a babe dude no you're not someone I'll even double down on it alright you're pissing me off dude I off, dude.
I don't even know sometimes. This is going to start a fight.
Sometimes I look at your wife and I want to go, like, how do you do it? I think I did mention it to her. She goes, I just have my ways of doing it.
She never fucking said that. Something like that, yeah.
It's you're a lovely guy let me say something that intro i gave you tonight fuck you dude shut the fuck up did i give you a good intro tonight it was fake but it was good yeah it was good fake and you what you smile at me what you smile at me yeah i say you son of a No, you didn't. You hugged me.
I hugged you. And you go, I'll see you later, pal.

Yeah. That's what you said to me.
Did you not? I did. That's what we are.
You're one of my best friends. There we go.
So why don't you want to fuck me? Because of that, you're town. I get it yeah yeah yeah

also like a girl

imagine a girl version

where are you going

oh I'm in

I'm gonna be in Mazatlan

playing golf for five days

it's like where

how fun for you

you don't have to talk to me

about anything

I get to I go

I am out of your hair

we just don't have those things in common

that's the best part

you don't want a girl

that has stuff in common with you

you just said you don't want to talk to them

about anything

I just want somebody to

know what I know

just date me

please

okay Thank you. You just said you don't want to talk to them about anything.
I just want somebody to know what I know. Just date me.
Please. Okay.
No, but Carlos, if you find a girl that's like you, but not as high and has hair. So not him.
I feel like I know some girls. Do you want to talk to him in terms of like, because I feel like when we're on the road, you can handle my bullshit.

Yeah.

You have a...

You pay him to handle your bullshit.

No, no, no.

He's always been like that.

He can withstand insanity.

Because...

He absorbs it.

McCone can't do it.

He's like a deer in headlights.

Yeah, he's not.

He smiles and...

You know who McCone is?

McCone's the guy

that forgets fries with a burger.

Yeah, that's that guy.

I don't want that guy.

And Carlos does not... Carlos will forget both, but he wouldn't forget one.
Boring! Boring! What the fuck? If you call him after night, he won't pick up. No chance.
Not a chance. He literally said tonight, we're going to be recording late.
He goes, I will be in my P.A.'s, but I will be there. My P.A.'s.
Do you wear pajamas to bed at night? I do. You fucking nerd.
Carlos, let me ask you this. You put on literal pajamas? Fucking nerd.
Carlos, out of girls, if we were all girls, who would you date first? If I was in it for the long haul and I wanted to really settle down. Yeah, yeah.
How philosophical. The long haul.
I really think I would date Andrew. Yeah.
For haul It's obvious dude But the reason why Security Yes No no not security It's more that Andrew It's the golfing and stuff It's like go do your thing And I'll like We go do our separate things But the reason why Is I'll have side girls like you Oh you're gonna be hooking up With him behind my back? Exactly. Alright.
Yeah. No, you know what you don't

understand is that. Fine.
Imagine, I'm a girl.

Uh-huh. Okay? So if I'm not

golfing, what am I doing at home?

We fuck all the time. Yeah, we hang.

No, we fuck all the time.

You guys are going to get bored.

You're going to get bored. I can feel it.

I can fuck two people, though.

If I fuck Andrew and then he goes and golfs in

Mazatlan, I can fuck you. Yeah, but I don't want to fuck you behind his back.
What am I doing in Mazatlan, by the way? Play golf. You're golfing.
I wish. There's not a golf course there? There is.
I've never been. But y'all wouldn't know about each other.
I would lie. Oh, so we don't have this.
We're not two bad female friends. You know what? We'd run into each other at Trader Joe's one day.
Right. And he would be on the phone FaceTiming with you.
And I'd go, is that? Oh, so your dick smells? It would be on us. Yeah, I'd smell it.
Oh, my God. It doesn't smell? 100%.
Carlos? I'd go, yeah. Be real.
Your dick smells, dude. It doesn't smell.
Yeah, dude. I'll put cologne on it.
Yeah. I smell it on you.
Is that Carlos? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.
Is that Carlos? Yeah, it was in my mouth. I breathed out.
Sorry. Me too.
Hey. You know what? It appeared like one of those Ghostbusters ghosts.
The green one. The green smog.
Yeah. All right.
Well, we're going to find a lady for you. No, I'm done.
I'm done. I want to find a lady for you.
Please email carlosinthebooth at gmail.com

It doesn't work.

I'm not attracted to any of them.

carlosinthebooth

at gmail.com

They all have tattoos on their neck.

carlosinthebooth

at gmail.com

Please email

carlosinthebooth

at gmail.com

I don't want to turn down anybody.

And send us a video

of your proposal

of why you want to date Bob.

And maybe we'll get you on a go.

You never know, dude.

There's so many fish out there.

You just got to put your line in the water.