Poo Man On The Wall

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And on that site, you can also sign up for the the email list.

And that email list lets you know when we're dropping new stuff, exclusive stuff.

And our Patreon, shout out to our Patreon members.

The top tier is going to get a discount on merch.

And also, the Bad Friends are on the road, baby.

And

we only got a few dates left.

Hey, guys, this weekend, guess what?

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Milwaukee with the cheeseheads, then in Chicago.

Illinois, yep.

We do Minneapolis and Madison.

Minnesota.

So Minneapolis and Madison, that empties out the year for us.

And in 2024, we are coming around the bend.

We're coming to Atlantic City, New Jersey, Salt Lake City, Utah, Temecula, California, Reno, Nevada, Sacramento, California, Long Beach, California,

Englewood, then we're in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Windsor, Canada, then we're in Niagara Falls, Canada, Tucson, Arizona, Tucson, and then we finish out 420.

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

You two are disgusting.

You two or something.

We're bad friends.

Dude, can I pour you some $35 water?

Wait, is this real though?

Yeah, look, it's never been opened.

Are you sure?

Yeah, look.

I told them we had to get you a real one.

This is the real water.

Look, the seal is there.

Yeah, but I smelled it.

No, they did the seal.

Oh, I see.

Give me your cup, please, so I can put it in.

$38 bottle of water.

This is what I deserve.

How do you feel, my little prince?

Me?

Yeah, you feel me.

I'm grateful to see you guys.

Grateful to see you as well.

Yeah, I've had three days of family.

Family day?

Yeah, I went to Disneyland.

How was Disneyland?

Dude, Disneyland's in the best, huh?

Yeah, when you have the

clearance that you got.

I didn't get a clearance, but let me say something.

I'll give you my

one with the...

What's the one with the lady and the cat?

I don't know what they're called.

With the crazy cat.

She went to the hole.

Alice in Wonderland?

Yes, that.

I did that.

I did the green man.

The green man, the Hulk?

No, no, no.

The green kid.

Peter Pan.

Peter Pan.

You knew what I'm saying.

The green man.

So those two.

What did they have in Korea?

Was it all different in Korea?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They had China Pan.

China Pan.

Yeah, yeah.

And China Pan was all in yellow.

And he had a rickshaw in the sky.

And it was beautiful.

What are we doing?

So anyway, I went to Disneyland.

What is it?

Nine things you didn't know about Disneyland star treatment.

What does that mean?

Well, you got star treatment at Disneyland.

I didn't get star treatment.

You jumped the line.

No, I got a chaperone.

Somebody held your hand as you walked around the Disneyland.

Well, no, I just go,

can we go in the green man?

She was Peter Pan.

I go, yeah.

And I go, how much the weight?

She said, there's no weight.

You go to the front of the line.

Yeah, and there's, you know, so there's Mexican, you know.

What is that?

In the wheelchairs, they're in the line for nine hours.

Yeah.

Hey, bro,

why do you get the good round, bro?

You know what I mean?

And I'm always like, chaperone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, chi-ching.

But my point is, and then.

So you walked by paralyzed kids waiting for their dream ride.

I don't know if they were paralyzed, but they were.

They're all paralyzed at Disneyland.

What else do you get?

Do you get a nice dinner?

Do you get a nice food?

Well, you can get reservations.

I didn't want to do any of that.

Didn't want to eat there, huh?

Well, in the Star Wars land, they had this thing where it was like a pita thing with

stuff that they get on Tatooine, some sort of vegetable.

They get shipped straight from Tatooine.

Wow.

And it was pork meat.

Ooh.

Yeah.

And porgs.

Yeah.

Chewbacca loves them.

And what else?

So I did the Star Wars.

I did the Manilians Vulcan.

But you know what?

I did the Incredible Roller.

You sound like when an eight-year-old goes to Disneyland.

I did the Incredible Roller.

And then we did the Green Man.

And then we did.

And we got pork.

And then what else did we do?

Oh, you know, we had Guardians of the Galaxy.

Whoa.

That was fun, too.

But the Incredible.

We did the Incredible Coaster twice.

It's pretty fun.

So it sounds like you had a good time.

So you went to both parks.

Yeah, you went to both parks.

I guess so.

You went to Great Adventure.

What's it called?

Great Adventure?

California.

California Adventure.

And then at five, we lost her at five.

And she goes,

well, we can do a couple more.

I go, no, we're fine.

What do you mean you lost her at five?

The guide was done.

No, because you pay for a certain chunk.

Right.

And I was just like, it's so expensive.

I was like, no, we're good.

How much is it?

I can't say it on the air.

Go ahead and do it.

Well, you guess.

People could Google it, I'm sure.

Yeah, you guess.

Is it per person or just for the time?

I don't know.

I mean, I just go, what is an hourly?

What do you think?

What was it hourly?

An hour?

Yeah.

With a private guide and skip the line?

Yeah.

$1,000?

An hour?

Yeah, I don't know.

No.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Way less.

Oh, $500?

$100?

Right between.

$250 an hour.

It was $700 something an hour.

Right between.

Well, you have to do it eight hours.

What?

Do you know how you fucking just did that?

No, you said thousand.

I go, no.

You said 500.

I go, in between.

So in between 500 and 1,000.

You said way less.

Way less than 1,000.

Not way less.

750 is not way less than 1,000.

That's not much.

I just don't want the people listening to think that I have a lot of money going on.

$7.50 an hour.

That's fucking wild.

Cool.

Did you ever get to do that with him?

No.

No?

Would you ever want to?

Yeah.

Yeah, you would.

You would want the privilege, wouldn't you?

Would you want to go in the green man?

You do the green man?

I just don't know how anyone, because they're two-hour lines.

Yeah, people, people spend their whole they spend their whole time.

And they play these, like, because a lot of Mexicans, they play like, hey, bro, let's do Mexican, let's see on A.

You give me a Mexican name in A, right?

So they go, okay, um,

Alejandro or whatever.

You know what I mean?

And then they play these games.

I don't know what kind of games they play.

No, that sounds like it.

Armando.

But it was fun.

And then where else did I go?

So then we went to then

Universal 2.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, the next day.

Jesus.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

So you're exhausted.

I'm gone.

You're not even here.

I'm a dead man.

Basically, more Hollywood.

Go ahead.

I'm not more Hollywood than it is.

Go ahead.

No chance.

So, Andrew, can I clean your new house?

No.

No, because we need someone that's proficient.

Yeah, but I don't want to get robbed and know it's an inside job from her

bunch of Filipinos.

That's it.

I'm so offensive because she

is better than anyone else you could get.

But I know what she does at your house, and I don't want her to come over after doing like an hour poop scrub and then have to come clean my house.

She would probably pick a different day.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

But she does a great job.

I want you to wear a hazmat suit.

I don't have a house, but if I do get another one, I will.

You have a nice house.

And I was there for your little vacation

party you had the other day.

Thanks, man.

And it was fancy people there, producers.

No.

Really?

The big movie that I did with...

Let me just say this.

I don't want to get in a fight with you because I'm in a movie.

It seems like you're begging for a fight all day.

You're just trying to start.

I'm poking.

I'm poking.

Yeah.

Because I haven't seen people in three days, so I'm just saying.

Well, don't take it out on me.

I won't.

Take it out on these fuckheads.

Let me just get this out.

Yeah, and then can you get mad about this whole thing that's going on over there?

What's going on here then?

Well, you know.

You know what happened with Carlos.

Why don't you talk about that?

Carlos called me crying on Friday.

I mean, he was really upset.

All right.

Tell the fans.

We should be honest.

If we're going to be honest about everything, tell the fans.

Okay, let's be honest about all of it then.

All right, then he's in fucking.

Carlos moved back to Texas and he's no longer on the show.

Good.

Well, he deserved it.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He pissed me me off.

He upset Bobby pretty bad.

He pissed me off.

Bobby texted me about 30 times and four calls, and I finally picked up.

I was outside, and I got my phone, and I was like, what's going on?

And what did you say?

I think he's going to get fired.

He's irresponsible.

You said he has to be fired now.

He has to be fired now.

But I don't feel the same way now.

Oh, so, well, we fired him.

I feel different.

I can call him.

You want him back?

I can call him.

Can I get him back?

Well, hold on.

Yeah.

In lieu of this, we had a little bit of a replacement here.

Yeah, but once I saw the replacement, I was like, no, I want to.

You want Carlos back?

Back, yeah.

But McCone put in some effort to be your Carlos.

Will you

tell him?

Tell him.

I had to go full Carlos for you, Bobby.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Look at this.

I did that for you, okay?

My beautiful hair.

For people that can't see the show, McCone has shaved his head.

Here's

Carlos.

And man, is it awesome?

I want to say this, okay?

Look at this.

Show play the video.

Play the video.

Look at it.

His buddy came over to his house an hour ago

and shaved his head in his living room.

And this is all based on the fact that I said last week, I said, you really want to be Carlos?

And you said, can I please be at the board, please?

And I said, do you really want to be Carlos?

I said, well, then you ought to shave your head like Carlos and be bald like him.

And dude,

he committed.

Let's give it up for the commitment.

That's a good commitment.

That is huge.

I'm going to double down on it.

What?

You want him to go to a a glory hole no no no no no no no and i'm we're gonna do i'm really gonna do this i'm in the mood okay be in the mood i really respect that and that's a game dude and that's clutch and i love it right but here's the deer yeah deal we're cutting that part out

so you did that for no reason

so we're gonna cut that whole thing put the hat back on put the hat back on put the hat back on right leave it off

you put the hat back on right you're gonna keep that on there right we're gonna cut the shaved thing up so you did that for no reason.

And I think that's

sufficient.

That's so mean.

It's even funnier, though.

I've had it on you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't test me.

Why?

It looks fucking funny.

Test me.

Do not test me right now.

We're going to keep it in.

That's insane.

Why would you?

Keep it out for an hour.

No, keep it out for me.

It's so funny.

Leave his hat on.

It looks great.

Look how good he looks.

Well, you're not my Carlos then.

Ben down.

What happened to Carlos, boss?

Yeah, what did happen to Carlos?

I don't want to get into my personal life.

Okay.

But if I may, I may.

You don't have to.

Why don't you call Carlos and let me say this?

Okay.

He had to do one job.

He was supposed to pick somebody up from the airport.

He was supposed to arrange a car.

Right.

So for a week, every day, I'm just like, dude, so you got it?

He's like, I want it.

It's already booked.

Right.

And I go, okay, every day.

Dude, you got it?

Yeah, dude.

The name, birthday, everything.

He's going to be there.

Right.

11 o'clock happens.

I wake up.

This person calls.

Yeah.

There's nobody here.

So I go, what the fuck?

And I call the company.

And they go, the person that booked it

canceled it two minutes ago.

Carlos.

Yeah.

Should we get him on the phone?

You want me to call him?

And I went, ape shit.

Yeah, you did try to burn down the whole world.

Yeah.

Let's get it.

I'll get him on the phone here.

I'll get him on.

Okay, you get him on.

Why did you put Carlos in charge of something so important?

Yeah, why would you do that, actually?

That is it.

That is because he does it for the tour.

And every time on the tour, they're there.

Yeah, but he screwed up this time.

So, yeah, yeah.

I'll call him.

I'll call him.

Here.

He's in Texas with his family.

I don't care.

His grandma died.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Andrew, what's up?

Hey, man.

So we're on the show show now, and Bobby is pretty upset, and he wants to talk to you about something.

Oh, yeah.

But did he tell you what I did for him?

Oh, God.

What did you do?

I sent him Air One desserts.

Ooh, desserts.

You know what those are?

I sent him four.

Yeah.

Chocolate mousse.

Right.

No wheat.

It's all, what's it called?

Gluten-free?

Gluten-free.

Oh, so it's all gluten-free?

It's sugar-free, gluten-free.

It's garbage.

It's still outside my door.

But it was expensive.

I don't care.

Literally, go pick up the Air One bag that's outside my door.

It's been there for three days.

I have not pulled it inside the house.

What?

We'll get it.

All right.

It's rotting.

There's smell.

I don't know what it is.

I haven't even opened it.

But let me say something.

What you did there was

out of pocket.

There's no other word.

There's no other word.

Just no other word.

All right.

And I'm going to say that you really dropped the ball on that one.

I'm sorry about that.

And is this not true?

Is this not true?

I called the company and they go, excuse me, sir, but you canceled it two minutes ago.

And I said, the person that booked it canceled the fucking pickup two minutes ago when she's there.

Why did you do that?

Because the pickup was for 5.30 p.m., not 9.30 a.m.

Can I ask you a valid question?

Of course.

Did I not give you the flight information?

You did.

And does the flight information say 5.30 in the afternoon or 9 in in the morning?

It says 9 in the morning.

So why, let me just, just curiosity.

Why would one...

I give you the flight information.

Why would one ridiculously book a 5.30 out in the afternoon thing?

Bob, it's military time.

It's the whole thing.

It's getting my mind all messed up.

You know, but I don't want to throw excuses your way.

Wait a minute.

You use military time?

Military time?

You've never been in the military.

Yeah.

Yeah, which is a valid reason why I would mess up.

dude this mind trickery you're doing is working it's not working for me it's working for me

i almost agreed with him i was like right

yeah do you use military time when you book the bad friends tour stuff

no they you know what i think the website recently changed to military time i think it's a new thing oh oh out of the blue you think it just happened while you were booking like in the middle of your booking yeah like they switched over like uh they were like oh it switched over to a military account for some reason

Bobby.

It was a glitch in the system Okay Carlos a memoir a glitch in the system

That's gonna be your boy

I Told you this would never happen again all right, so what happens?

What do I get if it does happen again

You can put something in my butt

I've done that already, dude.

That's like I could do that without this.

All right, you can spank me?

No, too easy.

You have to give him your dog, your new dog.

No, no.

He's got to drink a Bobby Lee concoction.

Oh, boy.

Do you hear that?

It's a shot glass.

A shot glass of whatever I put in there.

You just got to drink it.

Shot glass.

Six ounces.

Six ounces.

No, it'll kill him.

So?

The six ounces, what I got in mind will kill him.

Okay.

All right.

The shot glass.

You get a shot of whatever, and then I'm going to make a video of how I made it.

Yeah.

And what it entails.

And we have to drop you off at Kaiser Permanente.

You don't get to go.

Right after that.

Yeah, you have to go to Kaiser.

Am I having the hookup at Cedars, though, because of my dad?

Too bad.

So sad, kiddo.

You got to go to Kaiser.

All right.

I'll go to Kaiser.

All right.

So I'm going to give you another shot.

You're not fired.

I'm going to keep.

I'm going to keep coming to you to book things, but you drop the ball one time, dude.

You will get a shot glass of something just so otherworldly.

So grotesque.

It'll mess up your body.

And you guys have no idea.

You're thinking calm right now.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

Not my calm.

No, I'll tell you that right now.

Worse, mine,

yeah, yeah.

All right, well, then you're not fired, so you can come back soon.

Come back soon, okay.

Thanks, guys.

Bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye, babe.

Okay.

Big mess up.

Big freak out, big mess up.

But everything's okay now.

Everything's fine.

So that happened.

But it's been, you know, I'm just, I would have missed everyone in this room.

Yeah.

I just missed.

Yeah, I like my life too.

I like my life.

You're saying you like, you like

the way things are the way you've got them.

You don't leave, you don't need outside forces.

I don't think I need anything more than what I have.

That's nice.

You know, I think I have.

In fact,

I miss some of the things I've had.

You miss me?

What?

What?

You're your fucking mind.

I know.

No, every fucking day.

I didn't think it was me.

You said miss me.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

All right.

What?

Nothing, dude.

Dude, that's chill out.

No, dude.

Oh, chill out.

Dude, you need,

dude, you need to get another dog or something because that was weird.

I miss you.

Whoa, dude, that's so uncomfortable.

You know what?

Truth be told, I miss you, too.

I saw a guy today

from the back who had long black hair like you.

Yeah, yeah.

And I legitimately.

I'm driving.

I go, Bobby.

Yeah.

You know what's so funny?

I miss you.

So today,

I was with somebody, and she was like, Did you see the TikTok with Andrew and Nikki Glazier about the

Taylor Swift?

Oh, yeah.

The punk, right?

Yeah.

And I go, you know what?

I don't even need to see

the TikTok of it.

I want to go to YouTube.

I want to watch the whole video.

The whole thing.

Right?

And I watched the whole video and I was laughing so hard.

It was such a dumb prank.

And during the prank,

I stopped laughing.

And I went, God, I miss him.

Oh, see?

My prince.

How long were you gone, Titobabi?

None of your fucking business.

Business, bitch?

Like, you can't

fucking.

You ungrateful bitch.

You can't.

You fucking ask me fucking questions, bitch.

None of your fucking business, lady.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You miss him like you've been gone for a year.

It's a thing that happens when you get older.

You don't get it, dude.

You don't get it right now, lady.

You don't get it.

God, my young fucking business.

You don't miss anything, do you?

You missed.

Three days.

Three days.

That's unreasonable.

That's a long time.

Yeah.

And we clean my house

today, Sunday.

That's not my fault.

Hey, you better watch your mouth.

Watch your fucking mouth, man.

God, I missed you.

God, I missed you.

How long do you take to clean his house for real?

All day.

All day.

How much would you pay somebody?

To clean all day.

To clean my whole house all day?

Yeah.

And it's messy.

Like, it's

everything in it.

My house isn't messy, so it wouldn't be that much.

How much would it it be to clean your house all day?

There's poo stains everywhere.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because it goes on to the internet.

People think I'm a poo man.

You are a poo man.

But it's in the toilet, she's saying.

It's not on the wall.

Yeah, yeah.

It's on the wall.

No, it's not on the wall.

It's insane.

It's on the wall.

I had to wipe it.

I do art.

No.

No.

Yeah.

He's the poo man.

Skiba, da-ba-ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-da-ba.

Hey, I think 80 bucks.

80 bucks.

For the day.

For the day.

That's all you should be paying her.

Oh.

I just did the math in my head.

80 bucks.

Yeah, so what I'm saying.

And I think that's.

10 bucks an hour.

Eight hours.

I think that's 80 bucks.

Let me see what your cleaning hand looks like.

Go ahead and do it.

No, no, no, no.

Way too aggressive.

You're going to scratch it.

No.

You're going to scratch the fridge to it.

Well, if you're fragile, then nothing is going to.

But what I do, Andrew, is little tricks.

She doesn't know.

This is not even a lie.

What?

What do you do?

I hide little things to see if she cleans it.

And she gets all of them, and I go, okay, she's doing a good job.

So what I do is I'll go to the cat litter and I'll take tiny pieces of poo and just put them in really weird spots.

That's why.

Yeah, I put them in weird spots.

I put off the couch.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Little weird spots in the run the house.

I go, let's see if she gets this.

A poop cleaner, you are.

Yeah.

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Get your jingle balls ready for the holidays.

Holidays?

I also want to ask.

Go ahead.

And don't it's not about Pooh or nothing about please.

It's not about you right now.

Okay, good.

Thank you.

It's about Andrew.

Very good.

Very good.

It's not about you right now.

Okay.

So during your

puberty, boy puberty for me.

Yeah.

You're asking him or me?

Both of you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to come back.

Okay.

What was

your first sign of knowing you like a girl?

Is your boyfriend going through puberty right now?

No, me.

Oh, you're going through puberty right now.

I think he got there.

No, I'm like, like, I feel like I like girls.

I think you do.

I think we've said this before, and I think you do i think you're i think you're admitting it a little bit because your boyfriend you don't like at all i don't know man what do you mean

you want to be real i want to know your experience

you want to know what it is what i think your generation

everybody's gay

you ex you guys you guys are like accepting a lot of things and and pondering which is fine i'm okay with it but you ponder more than we did Well, I just don't, I think it was just, it's not a part of culture like it is now when we were kids.

Like, now it's like everyone's like, am I gay?

Look at that.

Well, since I did an am I gay test.

Since I did a bi quiz, why don't we do a quiz with her?

All right, here we go.

Do am I gay tests.

Here we go.

Are you ready?

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

All right.

Zoom in.

Zoom in.

Why are you taking this?

I usually fantasize or have romantic feelings towards people of my same gender.

I sometimes find myself attracted to more than one gender or just for fun.

One.

I usually fantasize about have romantic feelings.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, go back to.

Oh, my God.

No, you can be the answer you want.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Let's stick to it.

No, go back, go back, go back.

Go back, go back, go back.

Wait, let her stick to it if she says.

All right, start now.

All right.

Have you ever looked at a person your same gender and felt sexually attracted to them?

Yes, all my crutches are my same gender.

Sometimes I find myself attracted more than

sometimes.

Go ahead.

How frequently do you have sexual fantasies or dreams about people of your same gender?

All of them are about people some of the time, or all of my fantasies are about a gender other than mine.

Dreams.

In your dreams, some of the time.

There you are.

Okay.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you?

No.

No.

Wait.

Like my relatives?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's not the incest.

Well, it is kind of one and the same.

There is something below it that does say you might like a family member.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender?

Yes.

Just my mom.

Yeah, they just go back to no.

No, no.

That's no, it's no.

It's no, it's a no.

But no, that says no, and I don't want to.

It doesn't matter.

No.

Yes, but

I want.

See?

Yes, want to kiss people.

Okay, so middle.

Okay.

If your partner offered you a three-yes.

something to try.

There you go.

That's pretty big.

Do you find yourself romantically interested in people your same gender?

Yes.

So is it, I am only romantically interested in people my same gender?

Or

and others.

Right.

Okay.

Think about the people you have formed the strongest or most intense emotional bonds in your life.

These people tend to be the same gender.

Same gender.

Same gender.

Okay.

Yeah, because there's no other gender in them.

When I think about having sex or being romantically involved with someone of another gender, I feel

of another gender.

Like a boy, uninterested.

Open to it.

Yeah, no, that sounds unshe went.

Uh, that doesn't sound open.

When I think about having sex or being romantically involved with someone of my same gender, I feel positive and excited, or open, or uninterested.

Open to it.

Open.

When I watch porn, I it includes two people of the same gender.

It's always the same gender.

It's always two girls.

Okay.

You're gay.

You're gay.

60% gay, 39% bi.

Wow.

Yeah, you're gay.

All right, dude.

Okay.

How do you feel?

That doesn't sound gay to me.

That sounds pretty straight.

Would your mom be mad?

No, she's fine with it.

She always, she's always.

I don't know how to say English.

She.

Say it in non-English.

Say it in English.

Okay.

Oh, she's always a little bit frustrated, but she'll get through it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what that is.

Yeah.

What if the bad friend's family set you up with somebody?

No, I don't trust.

No, we're going to get the banger.

What do you mean?

You don't trust us to set you up with somebody?

We got bangers, dude.

No, I want to do it my own way.

This is your own way.

Yeah.

You're calling out for help and we're going to help you.

Yeah, you can't be drowning in the ocean and us throw you a fucking lifesaver and then be like, I don't want it.

What are you talking about?

No, just to get one out of the way.

We're here to help.

Not a relationship, just one night, go to a hotel room, see what happens.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What do you mean?

I'm just saying we're going to put it out there that anybody wants to know.

Oh, that's what I'm at.

Yeah, that's what I'm at.

What are you talking about?

Bad friends fans out there.

If you are a young lady in the ages of 21, your age, 21.

What are you, 21 or 22?

How old are you?

I'm turning 22 this week.

That's right.

22 this week.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, you idiot.

And because we knew it was your birthday, we got you a gift.

George, bring it in here.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

What is that?

Thank you, George.

Look at that gift we got.

You.

What is this?

Come on, don't you know that?

The ding.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't hit it.

You make a wish.

You blow a wish into it.

It's a wish catcher.

There you go.

Very good.

Oh,

I feel like it's a pie pie.

It is a pipe pie.

It's a pie.

Yeah, it's a pie pie.

If that's what size look like in your head.

If there's a 21-year-old female to 26, 27, right?

How old would you go?

21 to 24.

Okay.

What about like a MILF?

No, I don't think I can handle older ladies.

But they're financially secure.

They can get you out of that gig.

That's true.

But I feel like they're aggressive.

Not all of them.

What do you mean aggressive?

Like, they just know what they want.

Exactly.

They will.

Do you get it?

Like, I want it to be, like, chill.

Oh, patty cake.

Yeah.

Is that what that is that patty cake?

Baker's Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, what's that's what's what is this?

Like, chill.

Yeah, that's how do you fuck when it's chill.

Okay.

This is chill.

Do you know?

Do you even know some of the positions that women do?

I mean, do you?

No.

What the fuck?

That's what I'm asking.

No, I don't.

Wait, I feel like I'm asking.

I've tried it.

I feel like this is.

You're saying stuff that we know nothing about.

What do you mean?

I thought scissor was a one.

No, nobody does that.

No one does scissors?

I do that with fancy.

Oh, I see.

Indeed.

Yeah.

Look at this.

Googling lesbian sex position.

How to have lesbian sex.

And this would be the next step.

It would be the next step.

Here we go.

So what's the first one?

Buy a Subaru?

Why does it say that on the list?

I think I can make up sexual moves.

For lesbians?

Yeah.

How about one that they're bent over,

but their butts are facing each other and there's a dildo attaching it.

Yeah, like that's great.

What do you think of that?

I like that one.

And they back up into into each other.

Yeah.

And they go, toot, toot.

I got a good one.

Okay.

They're walking down the street.

Yeah.

And they're scoffing at white males.

Scoffing.

What's a scoff?

Oh, shit.

I hate scoffs.

I've got scoffs all my life.

You've been getting scoffed at.

That's scoffing.

Ooh, I've done that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that seems generic.

Yeah, that seems pretty good.

Wait, what's the hand doing?

Robbin.

I think she's taking the necklace.

Oh, she's robbing her.

She's robbing her.

Are a lot of lesbian?

Because she's holding one of the arms.

It's like, I want that necklace.

All right, that's a pretty good one.

Well, that's a reason to be a lesbian.

You could steal from them.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you could become a thief.

Yeah.

That's so fucking fun.

Well, look, any young woman that's out there that's looking to date Rudy, please

why don't you send an email to

carlosinthebooth at gmail.com.

That's carlosinthebooth at gmail.com.

And the boys will make that.

And so I want to date Rudy.

So submit your photo,

where you live, who you are, and why you want to date Rudy.

And we'll maybe get on a date with you.

You do have a tomboy-y kind of a vibe, I think.

Where did that phrase come from?

Tomboy.

Tomboy.

I don't know.

Tomboy.

Tomboy.

Tomboy.

I'm a girl.

No, Tomboy.

I am?

Because I like softball.

First appeared in the 1500s, meaning wild, romping girl who acts like a boy.

19th century America being a tomboy.

I've seen as many extremely healthy

for girls who are.

But they're not all like tomboys, aren't all lesbians.

Like, I'm sure Rhonda Rousey was a tomboy.

For sure.

Yeah, she likes dick.

Yeah, I guess.

I don't know.

So there's probably a lot like that.

I watched a video of her yesterday, by the way.

It's weird you say that.

It popped up about her.

She's so fucking strong.

She was so fucking

strong.

Were you kind of a tomboy when you were a little kid?

No.

That's right.

I didn't know how to answer that.

I was like, I don't think I was.

Like, tomboy, they're all rugged, right?

And we're overalls.

I don't do that.

Were you a tomboy?

I was a tom girl.

You're a tom girl.

Okay.

I was born a girl, but I looked like a tough guy.

Yeah.

No, born a guy, I looked like a tough girl.

Tomboy.

Yeah.

We had tomboys in my neighborhood that could fucking beat everybody at everything.

They beat all the boys at everything.

Yeah.

They would literally beat all the boys at all the shit.

It is kind of fascinating to think about now.

What?

What?

Wow.

Well, your eyes went

cross.

When you're thinking, your eyes do something cute.

That's cute, dude.

Okay.

Yeah, don't be cute, right?

Do you want me to scoff at you, dude?

Don't scoff.

Oh, no.

Anyway.

Look, we'll get you a date, and we'd like to know how the progress goes.

Okay.

But you do, if you do, you got a date, don't you got to break up with your boyfriend?

What if I just ask him, I want to go on a date?

Call him up.

He's at work.

Yeah, call him up.

He's at work.

Well, then call Cheesecake Factory.

Tell them you need five.

He's at work.

No, I'm not.

I don't want to involve.

I don't want to involve him.

He's a shy guy.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

He's really shy.

Yeah, you're the one that's trying to get her to break up with this fucking guy.

No, I like him actually.

I like him a lot.

I have another topic to talk about.

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah.

Okay, so when you were a kid, did you have a hard time holding your pee?

Saving it?

No, like hold, like when you laugh and you have to hold it.

Oh, did you, did you have a hard time with that?

No, you saying, have I ever?

Like fifth grades.

Have I ever fifth, sixth grade?

Peed myself?

No.

Really?

I've no, never.

I've never pissed my pants.

Never neither.

Although, at the age that I'm at, which you are older, I know you leak sometimes a little bit, don't you?

You leak.

Well, I'll tell you what I do.

You leak.

I leak.

Okay, here's what I do.

Leaky, leaky.

I tell you what I do?

Yeah.

I have to spend a little longer peeing.

Yeah.

Right?

Because

the dance isn't over usually.

Yeah, a couple more.

Even when the music ends, the dance is still going.

Do you ever leak, fancy?

No.

I was like, fucking liar dig.

You never have a couple of extra drips?

No, so far.

When you're done peeing and you put it away, you put it back in its,

you sheath it.

Yes.

You don't have a drip that dropped that comes out?

You know where the drips come out of?

His tits.

With your pork tits, dick.

George, tell me.

You have a drip or two that comes out sometimes.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

You shake and then you try to shake again and then you put it in.

Sometimes.

And then you look down and there's a little wet spot on the outside.

Thank you, George.

Okay, that's it.

I just washed my hands.

Dude, we got to get Carlos back there.

We really do got to get Carlos back in.

This is what.

Yeah, so let me ask you this.

But he's being real.

That is true.

McCone doesn't experience you.

You're too young yet to have a little drip drop.

I haven't dripped.

You will do.

And you will leak bad.

Trust me.

Yeah, Yeah, I have a hard time holding it.

Wait, do you pee?

Have you pissed yourself before?

Yeah, in the fifth grade.

And

that'll never leave your brain, huh?

Yeah, because it was in front of everyone.

Somebody made you laugh, and you pissed yourself.

Yeah, and I don't like peeing in public bathrooms, so I had to hold it the whole day.

And then when I laughed, it just everything came out.

And I kind of

lied and said that I had a magic pants.

You had magic pants.

And they believed it.

Yeah.

Idiots.

Well, I think they believed it.

This is in the Philippines?

Yeah.

Yeah, they'll believe anything.

Yeah.

Are magic pants expensive in the Philippines?

Mm-hmm.

Only certain people can get them.

Yeah.

I have something that happened.

And I wasn't even going to bring this up, but.

Please do.

By the way, I used to hold in my poop.

I didn't want to poop at school.

Yeah, I used to wait to poop at home.

Yeah.

But then sometimes you'd get home and he'd come out rabbit, rabbit turds.

So I can't say names.

Yeah.

And I don't even know if I should even be talking about this.

Come on.

But yesterday, I was doing...

it.

So I know this guy who's a producer.

Okay.

He's a guy I've known for a very long time.

Probably 30 years.

30 years.

Okay.

Okay.

Trying to put it together.

And so we were doing a business call about a project.

And I go, okay, man.

I'll see you later, ugly.

He goes, okay, man.

All right.

Stay ugly.

I said.

And he goes, okay, dude.

I go, don't look in your mirror.

He's going to crack them.

I hung up, right?

You said it three times?

Jesus Christ.

Could have done it once.

I know.

I know.

And late at night, like one in the morning, the dude texts me.

He's like, you know what, dude?

Fuck you.

He texts me.

And he's what?

Basically, he goes, I've known you for 30 years, dude.

And you fucking been saying that, right?

For 30 years.

And you know what, dude?

I'm not ugly.

I swear to God.

He goes, I'm not ugly.

And dude, I'm not a fucking 22-year-old fucking doorman at the store where you can talk to like that, dude.

Benji Aflalo.

No, I'm no, he's not a producer.

He goes, you know, I'm, you know i got a family and you know and people think i'm good looking you know so he goes

you and i'm like i was so i'm the side of the bed reading this thing laughing not laughing just going

i scoffed at it you scoffed

right but then i texted him back like you know what i'm so sorry i go overboard i apologize just kidding i know but then as hours went by i was laying in bed just mad that i texted him back you shouldn't have done it You don't think.

So, what was your play?

You should have let it sit.

Oh, so you call me ugly.

I send you a fucking text going, don't call me, don't do that anymore.

I don't respond.

You don't respond.

And then what happens?

Because you sit with it until we see each other again.

Which could be six months.

Hilarious.

That it's sitting in your fucking brain.

Right, right, right.

It's like, if you're that insecure, you know I'm kidding.

If I've known you for 20 fucking years, you don't know that I'm kidding around.

Yeah.

Grow up.

Well, I'll tell you exactly what I said.

So funny.

I don't know why, after all these years, you talked so much shit to me,

calling me ugly and all kinds of stupid shit.

I always show respect to you.

I am not some fuckhead 22-year-old door guy who enjoys being ridiculed.

This is a fifty-year-old man.

A friend of yours.

A friend of mine.

So mine is, I'm so sorry.

Beep, his name.

I was just kidding, but Mama, Papa, mi cuerpo crece a un grino alarmante.

Y la roba que me comprenora, me que dora muy pe queña, very pronto.

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Sometimes I just go overboard.

I'll never do it again.

I make fun of people I love and I love you.

Sorry.

Yeah, you're mean to me.

Yeah.

So and then, did he say anything else?

Yes.

I kind of want to know.

What did he say?

I mean, we have to.

All right.

So he goes,

all good, dude.

I always take it as good natured.

It pissed me off for some reason today.

I love you too.

Thanks for the note.

He's just fucking having a bad day.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

But, dude, the response back, I sat on it.

You didn't want to send it.

And never going to send it again.

I think you're right.

I think it would have been more fun just to fuck around.

Yeah.

But

here's the broader picture question I have for you.

You and I, right, are not normal, right?

Correct.

We talk to certain people thinking, because, you know, we're around comics a lot, and they can handle all kinds of shit.

No, we always say weird.

But then you go to Pep Boys or any out there, right?

And then you act the same, and then you realize that, no, people don't necessarily don't know you, and they don't really know that sense of humor.

Sure.

And sometimes I've had other people have to say to other people, like, oh, he's a comic.

He doesn't, right?

He doesn't mean that or whatever.

Right.

And it's like, do you have to edit yourself when you're out in the wild?

Or?

Yeah, I'm usually kind of, yeah, you have to be more reserved because you're, I don't know if people are going to get it if we're fucking around.

Sometimes I will fuck around.

Yeah.

And she'll be like, what are you doing?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, because I'm like,

I just thought I would.

Your wife says that.

Just kidding.

Yeah, I'm just fucking around.

Yeah, yeah.

But people don't get it.

And sometimes she'll be like, why would you say that?

I know.

I was just fucking around.

Do I say something to, are you, do I offend you ever?

The first time we met, Ate Kalila had to tell us, like, oh,

you can't take anything you say seriously.

Yeah, yeah.

The first time,

you said so many, like, shocking things that I was, like, kind of like,

like, what was, give me an example of something I would say.

I don't know, like, my face and, like, my ear or, like, monkey, something.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's what?

What?

No, I do believe that.

That sounds pretty.

Face in your ear, you're a monkey.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, it's not.

I had to say that.

No one has said that to me but you for the first time that I met you.

And then I think Claudia says that.

That's the first thing I said out of my mom.

Your face, your ears, you look like a monkey.

Yeah.

I bet you went, look at at your face.

Look at your ears.

Yeah, you fucking monkey.

Yeah, yeah.

I bet that's what you said.

And do you remember Issa crying?

Okay, his sister.

Her sister cried.

Would you call her a monkey?

What did I call her?

I forgot, but I feel like you called her like a pussy.

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Sometimes I get like batteries because sometimes my

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People have to know that you don't mean it.

I don't mean any of it.

I love everyone.

Not everyone.

Most people.

No.

No, most people.

I love.

And if I'm going to say that to somebody, it's out of love.

Yeah.

Because you don't think I know what I look like?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What am I?

What are you doing?

You know what I look like?

I know what you look like.

I know what I look like.

What?

I look like fucking...

Like...

Bloating corn.

Bloated corn.

Yeah, you know?

Yeah.

Do you ever see like

baked Mexican corn?

Yeah, I love Mexican corn.

Don't you love it?

Yeah.

Where they put the little stuff on it, right?

And sometimes they cook it way too much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And one of the kernels is...

Yeah, that's exactly how it looks.

That's me.

That looks yummy.

Yeah, really.

No, delicious.

I get it, but I look.

You know what a gourd?

You know, like a gourd?

Yeah.

You kind of have gourd.

What?

A little bit of gourd.

I have a gourd.

Yeah, there it is.

Go down.

G-O-U-R D.

That's kind of gourdy.

Yeah, I'm a gourd.

That's That's you and me.

That's you and me combined.

Combined.

That's our baby dude.

That's our baby.

I'm a gourd baby.

I know what I look like.

And people rip me to parts.

They rip me to shreds.

You don't think I go to New York and the first thing out of comics' mouth is just rip, rip, rip?

Yeah.

Right?

And it's like, I deserve it.

I know I look like this.

But when it's not comics, people don't know.

Yeah, maybe.

That's the thing.

But trust me, I get it.

Like, as mean as we are to George,

he deserves it, but he gets it.

But he's had to learn.

He's had to learn.

There were moments.

Yeah, in the beginning, no, you've had to learn.

No, I learned.

You were sensitive before.

When?

When I first met you at Baker?

Oh, come on.

Oh, yeah, I did.

You were sensitive.

Whoa,

George.

How was I sensitive?

Let's get this out of the air.

I like this.

I like this.

George, you better buck up.

Yeah, yeah.

How was I sensitive?

I looked at my clock, my watch, once when you walked in and you flipped out.

You were like,

I can show up 15 minutes late.

It's my shoot.

Hey, Bob.

This guy's built for podcasts.

I can see why you work with him.

He's not sensitive.

That's not me being sensitive, dude.

I'm like, I could do what I want.

That's right.

You were being a bitch, and you were like, oh, 15 minutes late.

First of all, Maker's suit is way the fuck out of nowhere.

Remember, it was in the middle of no century city.

You better, just because you're in a suit doesn't mean you touch a tone with us.

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking attorney.

Did you wear a suit suit for the show to look?

No, he always would.

He's been wearing that every time.

You've been wearing suits now.

Oh, yeah.

You're a suit guy.

Yep.

It is funny to watch someone make the transition from regular guy to suit guy.

Yeah.

That's a big thing.

That is like in the comedy world, too, when comics just become suit comics.

That's a, it's a thing you want.

I remember Steve Byrne did it.

Steve Byrne became a suit guy.

Ryan Stout.

Scoff right in his face.

Remember Ryan Stout?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Suit guy.

Rick Ingram.

Ingram, Rick.

There's nothing wrong with it.

No, only when he opens up a Chris Rock.

Yeah.

And Chris makes him do it.

But there's nothing wrong with it.

I'm just saying you see it happen.

It's interesting to watch your friends become suit guys.

Yeah.

I know you look good.

I'm not bothered by it, but you're a suit guy now.

The only issue I have with the suit is that the footwear should be kind of a popping highlight, and those shoes are fucking ridiculous.

Take one off and put it up to the camera so they see what you're wearing.

Come on.

No.

Come on, baby boy.

No, no.

Show it off.

Show those pretty little feet.

Also, the kind of suits you wear is like more liberace.

Well, he's a little bit liberace, isn't he?

It's a little too like, I like it when it's more basic.

No,

you got to dress 49% gay because the gays have fashion.

49% gay

without being false advertising.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Never read that before.

What percent gay do we dress?

Bubby's a 51.

No, look at that.

That's a 10% gay.

Fancy, you're going to fucking get your ass beat, buddy.

Oh, my goodness.

What did you say, Rax?

What did you say, bud?

You look good.

You look good, is what I meant.

Run in his mouth.

You're 10,000% gay, dude.

I like that.

I heard through the grapevine, did you see Killers of the Flower Moon?

No, is it good?

I haven't seen it yet, but I just heard through the Grapevine that Scorsese got mad because he caught wind that they were doing intermissions at certain places.

Because, you know, it's a three-hour movie?

Yeah.

Three and a half.

220, yeah.

Apparently,

people were doing like their own intermission?

Intermission.

Yeah, and he heard about it through the grapevine and was fucking livid about it.

But it is a long-ass movie.

That's a long movie.

Yeah, I'd be mad because when do they do the intermission?

He should be able to choose when.

Look at that.

Intermission violations.

Apple Paramount crackdown on a handful of theaters breaking the agreement.

I got to tell you, though.

Yeah.

I need to piss.

Yeah.

Three and a half hours.

Can I piss?

Let me piss.

You can't drink anything or you can't drink or eat.

And by the way, unless you piss the moment you've got to the theater, three and a half hours, you probably need to leave because you've been eating and drinking while you've been there.

So you think it's a violation.

You think you got to sit through it.

No, I think that they should call Scorsese and have him go, when do you think the right part.

He says, no.

No, they made an agreement.

He made them sign a contract saying you will not make an intermission.

And theaters were like, fuck off.

They did it anyway.

Okay.

I mean, Score says he wouldn't let you take a break.

No chance.

When's the last time I did a movie where there was intermission, though?

I don't remember.

Ben Hurr?

Ben Hur?

Yeah.

That was fucking what?

Yeah, Ben Hur.

I think Gandhi had one.

Yeah, there's another movie I saw.

I think it was Once Upon a Time in America.

One of those kind of.

I haven't done a break in a film, and I can't remember.

The Hay Fool A, I think, had one.

Did it?

I think so.

Not sure.

I don't remember going.

I don't remember taking a break.

I don't think it did.

But I feel like, I don't know.

I feel like I kind of get it.

The theater's like, people like it.

People want a break.

Only the 70mm did.

70mm Roadshow had a break, and the Hateful 8.

Because it was longer.

But see, like her generation,

would you sit through a three and a half hour movie?

Yeah, I can do it.

In the theater?

Do your friends like that kind of stuff?

What's the last movie you saw at three and a half hours?

Avengers.

that's not three and a half is it three and a half hours

was it yeah and they didn't have an intermission they didn't have one no action movies aren't gonna have intermission but you can go any like you're not gonna be able you're not gonna miss anything no you could just leave yeah oh hulk is still fucking shit up oh cool yeah paul rudd's in this that's what you say when you come back

ant-man might be one of the weirdest franchises I think I've ever seen in my entire life.

Yeah.

I mean, like, no diss, but also, what is that?

That's such a strange.

It's such a strange thing.

Yeah, I know.

No intermission.

Like, Ant-Man's one of those movies where I was like, oh, I can get in that.

I'm surprised you didn't get Ant-Man.

You are Ant-Man for sure.

That is you 100%.

Ken Jong got a little part in the Avengers and the Ant-Man part.

Did he, really?

Yeah.

At the very beginning.

You think we'll ever be in Marvel?

Ever?

You could be in.

What, man?

There's.

I remember that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's playing.

That's you.

I know.

He's playing Bobby Lee.

They literally were like, Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

That's offensive.

Yeah.

Do you ever talk to Ken?

Yeah.

You still do?

Yeah.

Do you ever say stuff like, that should have been me?

No, because it sounds weird.

And, hey, man, how's the family?

That should have been me.

And then Benjamin.

What, man?

No, I just saw it.

Nothing.

Just should have been me.

Should have been me.

It was literally me.

It looked like me.

You know, it's so funny.

These kind of movies, I'm not even, you know, I mean, I don't even know how people get them well i don't people because because people go well i know other actors like yeah you know i track movies and then when they start casting i get in the process i i tried so i tried that with uh

um the um the chinese uh shang chi no the um the rich hidden dragon the crazy rich crazy rich asians

so i i followed that along Yeah.

In the trades.

I go, okay, this is the casting, right?

And I'm like, and I called my agent.

I go, just tell them I'm interested.

But they're mostly mostly Chinese, yeah.

I know, and they're like, they're not interested, dude.

Because you're Korean.

Well, that's what they said, but then they put Kenya.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

He's Chinese passing, though.

And then Shang-Chi, I did it, and they were like, really good, but you're not going to ever get that.

No.

They gave it to Ronnie.

Ronnie Chang's great.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

So you try, you read for it, right?

Yeah.

And

you put in the tape, and they're just like, no.

And then you're like, okay.

Yeah, but that's going to happen

yeah have you gotten one of those well they're not making a lot of howdy duty movies fuck am i what am i i don't want to talk about show business and my my frailty i i we we do that all the time it's just like it's i you know we're blessed i'm blessed with what i have that's right i got stuff too man who gives a fuck man you do yeah yeah you know what and dude it's not even for me dude you know i'll tell you something pal you know what i realized when i've been on the streets pal right

we're like snake oil salesmen you and I, yeah, yeah.

This show, we're selling snake.

No, what I'm saying is, we go door to door and we go, hey, you know, we're not like, you know, we're not in the part of this big machine, they won't let us in the big box store, right?

So we go door to door and we sell it that way.

And you know what, dude?

It's the end, and it's so funny because these other ones that are, they get the green light from, you know,

Hollywood.

They're trying to do what we're doing.

Two Bears.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like, not two bears, but you, you, you don't understand.

Yeah.

And it's like, um, no, we're doing it the way.

Old school.

That's just old school.

It's the, I think the right way to do it.

Well, it's the most authentic way to do it.

Like, this is me by me.

And there, and people, and a lot of people hate me, but

a lot of people are like, I love that.

People don't hate you.

I know.

People hate.

Those hates.

Those guys.

I mean,

this guy, probably the most.

Yeah.

I will give you you some props for shaving your head.

I do think that's an incredible move on your part.

I mean, balls.

And now, or what are you going to do now?

What's the rest of the haircut going to be?

I'm going to wait for it to.

I'm just going to kind of be weird for like a few months.

I get to be like Carlos, like kind of undercover.

Because being Carlos being bald, he's like an undercover person with hair.

Whenever he puts his hat on, no one knows.

But you've got to shave all of it.

I'm going to do it, like, keep it like this for a while.

No, no.

And then I'm going to mullet it.

No.

I think the mullet is rat.

I'm going to do the mullet.

Once it grows out and levels, I'm going to do the sides.

And he still gets more girls than me.

It's great.

Good job.

You should have.

Yeah.

That's not true.

It is.

I've been watching you, dude.

And you know what?

I accept it.

You're the young gun in the factory.

And

my hat's off to you, dude.

New blood.

I don't know.

I fumble the bag, though, a lot.

What?

I fumble the bag, though, a lot.

I fumble all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A lot of bags fumbled, my friend.

Did I ever tell you my Pete Davidson story?

I don't want to hear it.

You used used to fuck Pete Davidson.

Yeah, I don't want to hear it.

And then I fumbled the bag.

Yeah, yeah.

What happened with Pete Davidson?

Well, no, so this was like right when I moved out to LA.

I was 22.

I was at a bar, and this older woman started talking.

She was like 30.

She started flirting with me, and she was like, You give me a real Pete Davidson vibe.

I really like that.

Really, like, I think that's really cool.

And I was like, Okay, cool.

And then, like, as we were drinking through the night, I was like, We started making out in the bar and I was like, I should lean into this Pete Davidson thing.

What do I know about Pete Davidson?

Uh-oh.

So we're making out, and then I whisper in her ear, My dad died died in 9-11.

And

it didn't go well.

Like, as I was saying it, she didn't think my hat's off to you.

That's so funny.

She didn't like it.

No, as I was saying it, I was like, there's a 50, like, this is a pretty bad bomb if it bombs.

Because nowhere in my mind would I think that this would be a good move.

I think that's so funny.

If I was making out with her, I'm like, my dad died in 9-11.

You know, it would have been boss on her part if she was like, which tower?

Yeah, yeah.

No, she just said, did he really?

And I was like, Oh, no, I was just leaning to Pete Davidson.

She's like, Yeah, like, I'm a little older than you, and I'm from New York, so like, I kind of know what that's insane.

I love it.

She was being real.

I love it.

And you, did you ask her if she lost anybody in 9-11?

Yeah, and then she said, Well, no, but we like knew of people, and I was like, Okay, so can I finger you still?

How uncomfortable is that?

That is so awkward.

Damn, dude.

Good move.

Good shitty move.

It's not even a Pete Davidson story.

That's a you not getting pussy from being a weirdo story.

It's the anti-Pete Davidson story.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know,

lean in, dude.

But I don't know.

Carlos honestly is the most successful

with women.

So like maybe this will help in a weird way.

Maybe you'll start to land a little bit more.

It is just like after it's gone, I was so nervous for like the past two days.

I was like...

I have to just do it.

And after I did it, it's kind of freeing.

Are you going to walk around like this?

Every now and again.

I do get ashamed.

Why?

It looks cool.

See, it does look cussy.

And she's hip.

She's young.

She gets it.

Well, I was even, I was walking with my friends that cut my hair, Tristan and Chloe.

We were walking afterwards, and then they loved it.

They were just like, take your hat off again.

And we were in public.

And I just, I felt like a piece of meat a little bit, you know, but like, now I know what Carlos feels like, like, constantly.

Piece of meat.

It brings me back to when we were in San Diego and we were at that bar.

Remember that bar?

No.

Yeah.

On the street.

On the street now.

Right.

And the girl walks up to me and she goes, she didn't know who I was.

So I felt like this kid over here did.

And she goes, I think you're cute.

I was like, me?

What?

And she started making out with me.

And she goes, I'm going to come to your hotel room tonight.

So I gave her my number.

Cut to eight hours later.

I'm by the door in my hotel staring at my phone.

It's like the sun's out now.

And I go, I don't think she's calling.

Why not?

Why do you think she didn't?

You think she said that to a lot of guys that night?

I think so.

Yeah.

I think so.

She was just shooting herself.

I think I got fucked.

Oh, I remember that.

I was like, I'm not.

I was episode 50 years old.

I'm like, I'm never going to do this again.

Why?

Wait all night.

You didn't want to wait all night.

To wait and stare at a phone like a fucking psychopath.

Right.

And then my mom, because my mom will text me at three in the morning and go, I rob you.

So one time I was like, oh, fuck, it's my mom.

Fuck.

But it was like, yeah, I mean.

Yeah.

And I think about you.

I had another friend that, you know, that was able to just walk into a bar and women will just make out with them.

Who?

His name was Khaleesa.

I've talked to him about him before.

And you're like that.

You remind me of him.

Congratulations, man.

My hat's off to you.

And I hope you direct a movie one day.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Have you ever hooked up in a bar?

No.

I'm not honestly.

I say shit like that.

I'm not very successful in like.

Have you hooked up in a bar?

Or

in a public place?

Well, I ate a girl's vagina on the stairway right below mitzi's office that's public pretty public in the stairwell yeah in that creepy little weird stairwell it's like a haunted house i know you were like

yeah yeah it's like i saw it like literally people don't know the back of mitzi's yeah old office it's so creepy it's so creepy no lights yeah and it's like this haunted little like uh stairwell that goes to three different places yeah oh it's so fucking creepy yeah so what you brought her back there and you were like hey let's go upstairs.

Well, I got her

pants down

right and it went to the bottom of the stairs and I crawled up like the exorcist.

Right.

And she was like, ooh, yeah,

yeah.

I just started throwing up everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, I've had a lot of weird hookups up there.

In the comedy store?

Oh, yeah.

The belly room, especially.

Not the belly room.

Yeah, the belly room green room.

A couple of times.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Later at night.

Wait, but people can come.

I know.

There's two doors that people can come in.

So there's a lot of like.

You know what I mean?

Just looking.

Yeah, yeah.

Moving her head to block it.

Yeah, I get that.

Have you ever hooked up in public?

No.

No, good.

Don't ever do it.

Don't ever do it.

I won't.

I broke a girl's heart once there in the belly room.

Go on.

I don't know if I should share it, but I feel bad about it.

Well,

well, I met her in a town.

Love meeting people in town.

One of my favorite places to meet people.

It was a small town, and I was opening for Polly.

Okay.

And I opened.

I used to crush.

You still do?

I know, but back then, you know what I mean?

Just different.

Different kind of crush.

And I met her, and she's like, I'm going to come out to LA.

She does.

And then I had a La Jolla gig.

Yeah.

Right.

And

back in there when you played La Jolla, you would

stay at the condo with two or three other comics.

Sometimes six other comics.

I go, stay with me.

Right.

In the condo?

Yeah, she stayed at the condo all weekend.

Right.

Right.

And, um, but she brought her guitar.

She did.

Yeah.

And late at night, she would go, like, I'm with comics.

I think it was Jeff Richards, Kelly Kurzen, and she would just bust out her guitar and start singing her songs.

Were they good?

No.

Yeah, they had a bit of heaven and sun.

You know, my little Asian boy.

And they would like, you know, everyone in the room, their eyes would roll.

And then one day she, it was a Sunday.

I feel so bad.

I don't even share this.

Did I tell you about this dingleberry?

What happened?

I've told you about this dingleberry.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm

having sex with her from behind.

I smell poo.

Right.

Yeah, I remember this, yeah.

And she goes, and I, you know, I was, I lifted my two thumbs, separated her.

Right.

Bung.

Yeah.

And there was a little hair sticking out of her butthole.

And there was a little piece of poo.

Hi.

Exactly.

If it had a fucking, that was dead on to.

Hi.

Hi.

Buddy.

Yeah.

I'm from a small town.

Yeah.

And my boss plays the guitar.

She's a singer-songwriter.

She's struggling.

It's so funny, a piece of poo saying, I'm from a small town.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm from a small town.

Right.

So,

and I, in my mind, I'm like, what the fuck?

And then she says,

I just had a vision.

While I'm behind her, she goes, I had a vision that we had a house and two kids and a white picket fence.

And I said, I had a vision that we went to CVS and got toilet paper right now.

Right?

And she was mortified.

I never said that.

What did you say?

The second part I didn't say.

She said the fucking small picket fence.

In my mind, I said it.

Yeah, but you never talked to her again?

No, I flicked it.

Right?

And then I dissed her.

You just never talked.

Yeah, and I felt so bad about it.

Well, if you're out there, Miss Dingleberry, wherever you are,

we hope you're doing well in your small town.

Was she white?

They're always white.

They're always white from a small town.

Come on, dude.

Black women wipe their buttholes.

Was she white?

Yeah.

Do you wipe your butthole?

No.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Of course he does.

Wash it?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

I have one of those wall things in my shower, and I just open up.

Very, very clean.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, because this episode

came out right before Thanksgiving.

I'm going to get to her house, right?

What?

Yeah, we're all going to be at.

Wait, say it again.

I'm going to your parents' house?

Yeah, everyone's going to go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving.

I can't wait.

It's going to be

me, you, and you're not going to be there.

Picking you guys up from the airport.

You are?

I'm driving from Minnesota that morning to pick you guys up at two.

But can you not go to Thanksgiving?

What if you just drop us off at my mom's house and you leave?

Is that fine?

That's what I was going to do.

We'll give you money to go to a steakhouse.

I just can't.

I can't do Thanksgiving with your life.

Steakhouse?

No.

No.

We'll give give you a couple bucks.

You can go to McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll go to Wiener Circle.

Well, it's so funny.

What if we make him sleep in his car outside of my mom's house?

Who's going to be there?

The crew.

Me, you, him.

Everyone but Stacey.

Yeah, Stacey's going to be already in Milwaukee.

So, me, you, juice, him, Carlos.

And Carlos, if you let him, if you let him in.

I don't have to stay at your parents' house, right?

We're not going to

go to this.

Well, surprise, surprise.

Don't want to.

You're staying at my mom's house.

These guys get a hotel.

We didn't get you one.

I've always wanted to, you know what?

I like recording, you know, field noises.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And I want to feel what creatures do at night.

White people?

You're your mom.

Yeah.

Scary creatures.

It's like a field recording.

You know what I mean?

You know.

Yeah, we're going to have anti-it's anti-Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving.

We don't do Thanksgiving.

We're going to have like fucking.

I can't wait.

Yeah, we're going to have to.

You don't even...

See, here's the deal.

You don't know this version of me.

What, me, my mom?

No, you don't know the family.

I'm a family man, dude.

No, when it comes to going to people's houses and being in those kind of environments, I play a role, and I play the family man.

Same thing.

No, I wear,

I don't, I'm not even inappropriate.

You should dress up.

I'm going to wear a nice shirt.

I want to be, thank you so much for the turkey brisket.

Thank you.

Very nice.

I'm going to use the right utensils.

I'm going to put the little handkerchief in.

A napkin?

Whatever.

Why do you have a handkerchief?

I have my own handkerchief.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, for dinners.

Okay.

Right.

Put that in, right and i'm gonna oh oh so at the end of the meal um do you need help

you never do that not in your family not your in his family you watch when he comes to a white house it all changes yeah yeah i'm gonna go bring i'm gonna bring the plates to the thing i'm gonna wash it off no way i swear to god you know what i'm gonna make you do what i'm gonna make you say a prayer before the dinner dude i have to go mom bobby loves to say grace You want to hear it?

Yeah, let's hear it right now.

Prep.

Well, first I would make an announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone here at their dinner, let's be grateful for what we have.

It's Thanksgiving.

And may I do prayer?

Oh, please.

May I?

Please.

Can we all hold hands?

Please.

So we hold hands.

Dear Heavenly Father, Lord and Savior, God grace, heavens be.

Together we are, and together we be in the future and in the past, in the moment.

But most importantly, we have each other.

And we're grateful for the land, the sea, the oxygen, the land that we stand on, the earth that we work.

We work on the earth.

We do.

Yes, and we grind.

But we get pleasure out of success.

And by the end of the night, when the sun goes down, we get to be with each other once again.

And to

scurry.

We scurry.

Whimsically.

Oh.

Yeah.

Through the fields in our mind.

Right.

But we're still in our home.

That's right.

Developing all these glorious moments.

So, Lord, thank you.

Amen.

And take care.

Good night.

You're leaving.

I leave.

You don't want to eat.

No, I do a salute.

No, dude.

I do a salute, right?

And I vanish.

Whoa.

Smoke bombs.

I put through smoke bombs and I'm gone, dude.

And then you're gone, and we're like, people just get so confused about it.

When you leave, we're like, there's rice everywhere.

What the fuck happened?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I lit my own white rice.

You do prayer,

Lord Jesus.

Amen.

I close it out with you.

I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for the power that you've instilled in this Anglo-Saxon family.

Mayflower material.

Thank you for letting us come together and bond with one of our Asian brethren, a man of the Orient who brought no spice, no rug,

no rice, but love.

I'm sweating, by the way.

Just watch.

I'm sweating.

We love him even though he is our enemy.

In the name we pray.

Jesus, keep him safe.

Keep him short.

And keep him round.

Amen.

Amen.

Will you please do that?

Yeah.

Fuck.

Are you kidding me?

Write my because I improvised mine.

Will you write mine down?

Yeah.

I thought it was good.

Yeah, it was really good.

Please write it down because I'm going to say that.

And will you print it out, Macone, so he can hand it out to everybody at the table?

Yeah, yeah.

I need to hand it out to everybody.

They can read it with you.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought the stuff of like screwing was great.

Really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got anything else, kiddo?

No.

Tell the people goodbye.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

What?

It's been so much.

The magic thing pulling on your cat.

Shit.

Yes

Woof

Yof

Woof

Yes