Magic Water & The 3rd World Genie

Hey!

Bad friends, friends, friends! Hey, bad friends, we are on tour! Tour, baby! Where are we going? We're going to Milwaukee! Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Yeah, baby, beer and cheese! With the beer and cheese! And Jeffrey Dahmer! Oh, he's there! Will he be coming to the show? No, but there's those types of whites. All right, then the next night we're in Chicago.
Then we go to Minneapolis. John Wayne Gacy! Yes, yes! From Chicago.
All your favorite serial killers are going to be there. Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Then Minneapolis. One killers from there.
And then probably McCone. He'll be a future killer.
Yeah, McCone's from there. And then Madison, Wisconsin is how we end the year.
And then in the new year, we've got a big run. We go to- January 20th.
We're going to be Atlantic City. Atlantic City, New Jersey, baby.
Come on, gamble Atlantic City. Salt Lake City, Utah, January 27th, baby.
Then Temecula. Do you know where Temecula is? Yeah, man.
It's right by Poway where I grew up. That's exactly right.
And that's where you're going to meet my Dan, my old sponsor. I'm going to meet Dan, your sponsor, Temecula.
So come on out to Pechanga on February 2nd. Then we do Reno.
Reno, Nevada. Sacramento.
Long Beach. Long Beach.
Then we do Canada. We do Windsor, Ontario, and Niagara Falls back to back in Canada.
Then we do Tucson, Arizona. And where do we finish on 420? Las Vegas, Nevada, April 20th, 2024.
Come see us live. Come see us.
Get your tickets. Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Hello. Hello, and what do we have here? We have, you know, dude, can I just say something about that? Let me ask you.
A million subscribers. Yay, right? This is incredible.
Thank you so much, YouTube, for occasionally banning us and demonetizing us. Is that really from YouTube? Yeah, we got a million subs.
No, we got an award from the YouTube. Yeah, we passed a million subs.
That's amazing.

I didn't know you'd get awards for that.

Let's go back to this now.

Let's go back to that.

Okay, so number one, when you get water, right?

What's the most annoying thing when you have water?

What's the most annoying thing when I get water?

When you drink water.

When I drink water?

Yeah.

That you have to keep drinking it, otherwise you die?

Nope.

No, what is it?

Nanos.

This is Nanopure. You're telling me there's no Nanos? There's no Nanos.
This sounds like we're doing a plug die? Nope. No, what is it? Nanos.
This is nanopure.

You're telling me there's no nanos?

There's no nanos.

This sounds like we're doing a plug for this stuff.

No, no, no, no.

So we talked about this on the other episode.

Can I just say another thing?

Please.

Right?

Every time I've,

I've drunken water,

I went,

there's something wrong with this.

You know what?

It's structured differently

than it should be.

Ah.

Restructured. You're telling me this is fully restructured? Yeah, yeah.
Here's another thing than it should be. Restructured.

You're telling me this is fully restructured.

Yeah, yeah.

Here's another thing, right?

Yeah.

What do you love about water?

What it has?

It keeps me alive.

No, no, no.

There's elements in it.

I'll tell you what.

Oh, hydrogen and oxygen.

When it's oxygen in it, right?

But it already has oxygen in it.

But this company?

What?

No.

Not enough oxygen.

Hyper.

They need more oxygen. They hypered it out, dude.
Okay. Well, let's take a second.
Well, here's... But I'm going to say this.
Uh-huh. You're already closed-minded.
No, I'm... How am I...
Yeah, you're closed-minded. Juice, juice, juice.
And you're making fun of it already. Juice, am I closed-minded? If I said no, would you be open to that possibility? Yes.
Then I think you're pretty open-minded. Right on.
Okay, good.

So would you like some Ophora, please?

I would like, I'm gonna drink my own water.

You drink yours.

You know what?

My good old-fashioned Elvis.

Elvis loved Mountain Valley.

That's why I like it.

And I'll drink my Ophora.

I'll take it.

Because yours has full of nanos.

You're telling me this has tons of nanos.

Yeah, yeah, nanobots in your body, dude.

Okay.

Wow, it's a real classic.

And you're being restructured now.

Let me taste. Oh, yeah, nanobots in your body, dude.
Okay. Wow, it's a real classic.
And you're being restructured now. Let me taste.
Yeah. Wow.
Let me taste. Delicious.
How is it? I'm restructured. Whoa.
Do you feel better? Did you see how? Did you see that? I didn't do that. I didn't do that, dude.
The water just did. Jesse, did you want to try? No, I think this is what I deserve.
I'll just stick with the plastic. Yeah, you know what? I'll stick with my water, okay? So you think this is better? You really do think this is better? Well, look at how much is yours? The Mountain Valley's a couple bucks.
Yeah. A couple bucks.
$30, dude. That's a $30 bottle of water.
It It's disgusting It's not But how does it taste Does it taste better Dude I hate water usually Really Yeah I want to keep Drinking this dude Wow Yeah yeah It's the best If only they could flavor it Like Diet Coke Then it'd be really good water You know can I say something What And I don't want to Offend Christians But here I'm going to Go ahead Jesus come That's how good that is Dude if Jesus had come dude That's what it would be I would spend $100 on that You know how Jesus walked on water Do you think this is the water he walked on This is it This is Jesus water yeah. This is Jesus' water.
And the other dude that split it apart?

Moses.

That's that water.

Part of the sea.

Well, I'd like you to see a video real fast.

Let's show the boys, show everyone a little video here for in-studio while you sip away.

Okay.

Did you notice any difference in that water?

No.

It is.

I mean, it's...

A little water.

Oh, my god. I did taste weird.
Oh my god. Did I just drink tap water, dude? You did that to the king? Wait, did I just drink tap water, dude? Where's my stuff? I swore to god.
You know where it is? Yeah, where is it? It's in my mouth. Is it really?

It's water.

It's right here.

Is it in there?

How is that?

Be honest.

It tastes exactly like water that I've...

No, it doesn't.

It tastes the same as Mountain Valley.

Give me my water.

No way.

Give me my...

Look at that.

Okay, can I say this, dude?

Can you believe?

Look what the boys did.

They poured you some...

That is bathroom tap water, dude. Dude, dude, dude.
Let me say something right now. Wow.
Let me say something right now. If I get cancer because of this, it's your fucking fault.
Look at how meticulous he put the sticker back on. Son of a bitch.
No, don't do that. We live here.
That's insane. That's insane, dude.
Take this away, dude. That's so funny.
You know what? You like tricks? You like tricks? We're now going to play tricks. Okay.
Alright? And I'm going to trick you one day. And it's going to be worse than that, I'll tell you that right now.
Give me your cup. I'll pour some of your delicious.
That's okay. I don't even trust that anymore.
What do you mean? This is the $30 water. They put it in here.
Give me some of that. Like we said in the last episode, this is like the Philippine licking woman.
Yeah, that's right.

It's all in your mind.

That's right.

It's all in your mind.

See, it's all in your mind.

So good.

It's all in your mind.

So let me say something.

That was a good one.

That was really good.

And I'll tell you, I'll tell you this, man.

What a time to trick me because I had a terrible night last night.

What happened?

Are you trickable right now?

I'm so trickable, dude.

Why?

What was last night?

What do you mean, what was last night? Last night was just another- Halloween. It was Halloween.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, it was. Was it not? It was.
It was. Last night was, this is Halloween.
Yes, it's tricks. A lot of tricks, dude.
Did you hand out any candy? No, I turn off all the lights. The front porch.
Oh, I like it. So I pretend no one's there.
Like a recluse. Like a recluse, right? Right.
And I just look to see if there's any's any lights You know, sometimes they have candles You know, the kids, you know what I mean? The kids They have like safety lights Yeah None around So I go, you know what? I'm going to sleep early tonight 440 pieces of candy I handed out yesterday 440 That's great Is that a record? I dressed up like Ken No, the first year I think I lived in the neighborhood was the most I dressed up like Ken We. We played music.
We had a fog machine. We had a little dance party on the driveway.
I had music bumping. And one of the dads came up to me at the end of the night and said, hey, thanks a lot for doing this.
Really? And that's all that I wanted. Oh, God.
Yeah, because I think it's important for the kid, man. I don't live in a neighborhood that does that.
I'm not saying you. You live in the Hollywood Hills.
You guys don't need to get Ken. The Hills, they don't do it in the Hills.
The Hills, they have eyes. They have deep, they're deep, steep, steeps.
Yeah. By the way, that's where kids go to get kidnapped up in the Hollywood Hills.
You're flatland. I'm in the flats, kiddo.
With the Mexicans. Yes, that's exactly right.
Oh, shit. I shouldn't say that.
My point is this. I would love to hand out candy, but they just never around.
They all come to my hood. So last night I go, you know it's Halloween what's hard on with sleep early, right? I go to bed, but I forget.
Guess what I forget? To masturbate. No.
That's true. Oh my God, Carlos.
How did you call that? That is true. He just knows? No, I told him earlier.
What did you forget to do last night? Eat dinner. Oh no.
So you had to wake up in the middle of the night and eat something.

No, not in the middle of the night.

Four in the morning.

That's just the middle of the night.

So I go to bed at nine.

P.M.?

Yes.

That's impossible.

I try.

You went to bed at nine p.m.?

Yeah, I was that tired.

No fucking way.

Were you sick?

No.

So you went to bed at nine.

I'm going to go to bed at nine like a Christian.

Hey, cross off.

Because I don't do the Hollywood thing. I'm Christian on Halloween.
Do you say a prayer before you go to sleep? I do, dear God. Let's hear your little prayer.
Dear God, amen. He fills in the middle.
You got to let him do it. I let him fill the middle, dude.
Blank check. Right, it's a blank check.
Well, you know, Jesus take the wheel. Jesus take over this prayer.
Finish it for me. Well, Jesus, I should have filled it in because what he gave me was a stomachache.
All right. But go to bed hungry.
There are four in the morning. I wake up.
First, you know, Gooner. Yeah, Gooner, Gooner.
You know who Gooner is? Your dog. No, I have a cat.
The orange cat, Gooner. Yeah.
At around four in the morning, if I don't put earplugs in, I hear. You know, you're so bad at sounds, it could be anything.

You could be taking shit, scratching.

Dude, I'm the next fucking Police Academy Award.

I'm Michael Winslow, dude.

They hired me, dude.

Let me hear you do a garbage truck.

Okay.

That's good.

Pretty good.

Give me another one.

Give me another one.

Let me hear you do something.

Oh, this is what? What's that? You when you come. Yes.
Yeah. How about this? You drinking toilet water? You lifting up a lid and drinking toilet water? Yes, dude.
Yes, I get it. Thank you, so I'm good.
You're very good. Anyway, I hear, right, it's Gooner trying to get in my room.
Cat scratch fever. Yeah, yeah.
Which I wake up and I go, oh, Gooner's trying to get it. And also, I'm hungry.
Why don't you just leave the door open for Gooner? I can't. Why? Because I have zoomies.
Because they run around the room. Yeah, cats at night, that's their time.
Yeah. So they just zoom zoom All over the bed and stuff, right? What's the matter? Just like another case to not have cats It's just like all the things It's fine They poop inside, they zoom in the middle of the night They scratch your door They don't want to be pet You can't take them on a walk They're no fun to play with Go ahead Anyway, so I wake up and I go Oh fuck, I'm hungry I'm not going to be able to go back to bed.
So I had one thing in the fridge. And guess what it was? Kimchi.
I have that already. Okay.
That's a given. I feel like.
What is it? Turc. I was going to say tur.
Turds? Turds. You have packed turds again? There's two words.
Tur and ch. Turd chips? Turkey chicken No Turkey chicken Almost

Turkey sausage

Turkey chips

Oh potato chips

No turkey

Cheese?

Chili

Turkey chili

Man we were way off

Turkey chili

Turkey chili

And I had one of those

from Air One

Yeah

Another $50 bottle

Yeah $50

But it's been there forever

Right

How long you think?

It could be a year

A whole year

It could be

You had some bad chili. Dude.
I don't know. You're crazy.
I'm crazy. So I put it in a bowl.
I microwave it, right? And then I eat it all. And I go, I'm hungry still.
And I remember the other night, I got a big, gigantic pint Dreyer's Rocky Road ice cream.

Breyers or Dreyers?

B or D?

Big difference.

Breyers?

You choose.

I don't know.

I think Breyers.

I had myself some Jennys before I came here.

Delicious.

The best.

Yeah.

But I'm lactose.

Anyway, I eat half of it.

You think you're lactose intolerant or is it just because you eat stuff like a year old

turkey chili that you have a bad stomach? I don't know and then i go i feel fine so i go you know what i'm not sleepy yet so i'll play maybe two hours of this game starfield okay right but i locked so i lock them up but that's cool because when i play starfield i have my headphones so i can't hear gunner scratching right and you're in the house alone i'm so alone dude that's a big house to be allfield, I have my headphones. So I can't hear Gunnar scratching.
Right?

And you're in the house alone.

I'm so alone, dude.

That's a big house to be alone. I'm so alone.

And then it started.

The shits.

The aches.

The shits.

First ache.

The shits are here.

The shits are here.

Coming out of your mouth and your ear.

The shits are here.

The shits are here.

It was achy.

Out of your nose.

Live in fear.

But I didn't go to the bathroom.

You were in the shits.

I didn't go to the bathroom.

I went to bed.

Uh-oh.

And that's when the trouble started.

No.

You're good at sound effects, dude.

Yeah, always have been.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Since you've met me.

Yeah.

You started drinking more toilet water?

Yes.

Yeah.

Bing.

You know what that sounds like?

A blue whale's breast in the water.

Have you ever seen a blue whale?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait. There we go.
That's what it feels like. That's ever seen a blue whale? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There we go.

That's what it feels like.

That's what it sounds like to me.

Am I dead on?

So anyway.

A blue whale strip club.

But I could, I was.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

Let me get the bed out.

No, I was thinking that'd be a great strip club.

The blue whale?

Just any whale stripping. Just a big, just a big.
But how big, the blue whale's big, so the strip club's gotta be. When they moan? Yeah, yeah.
And do they like, you know what they like? They don't like money. Whales? They like fish.
No. Whenever I go to a whale strip club, you gotta bring plenty of plankton.
Plankton, yeah. Plankton.
You gotta dry it out though Because it's hard to throw on stage when they're wet But anyway my point is My point is I only slept for like an hour And then I had to get up early to go to my A meeting And then I did a podcast with Logic And I was in traffic Because he was all the way in Pacific Palisades And then I cancelled my spot And I got here and I'm so tired and I asked you if you have the energy to do this. I got it today.
Good, so I'm so glad that you have it. I got to tell you, one of the weirdest costumes I saw last night and I didn't get a photo of it because I felt like it would be weird to take a picture of somebody's kid, but we saw a lot of good ones.
I saw a lot of good ones. At the door? That came to my house.
Okay. And the funniest one by far.
And it was mostly Mexican families that come to the hood.

Yeah.

It was a girl.

I'm not making this up.

I swear to God.

Here we go.

Something racist.

She was a washing machine.

I swear to God of my life.

I was losing my shit.

Yes.

I was dying.

And on top of her, they built a box.

They used a cardboard box to make a washing machine.

And on top of it was like wool light and bounce sheets. i swear to god i swear to god in the middle moved it was one of the coolest costumes i think i've ever seen but also it's like would you just take it from work or something well if you write what you know you live who you are did she have a dryer with her no her sister her sister was um her sister was uh uh a fence and her dad kept leaping over her back and forth and back that's insane no but really the washing machine is not fake that was actually a real costume and it was like the best one of the night so i gave her way more candy you know what i don't do yeah if you come up with a shit costume yeah like especially when like a 14 year-old comes, when the older ones come, you're getting one.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

You get one.

You didn't put any effort into it.

Yeah.

And you're too old.

When the kids come, little kids, they're getting handfuls.

I literally go like this to the kids because they're so cute and sweet.

But when a grown kid comes, they don't even say anything.

Just put the bag out.

Fucking, you know what I gave them?

What?

Whoppers.

Whoa.

The worst. You know the little Whopper? I know what a Whopper is, dude.
The worst candy. I thought it was a hamburger.
Yeah, I gave him hamburgers. I handed him a full hamburger.
Okay. But Whoppers were for the teenagers that didn't dress up.
Yeah. But the kids, you know what the kids got? What? They got the Reese's Snickers combo.
Oh. You know what I'm talking about? No.
Dude, they make the peanut butter Snickers. Explain it to me.
Reese's makes peanut butter Snickers combo now. Okay.
So let me ask a question then. Please.
Yeah. Don't even Google it.
Don't Google it because I wouldn't imagine it in my mind. Okay.
So it's a round circle. It's an egg, oval like an egg.
What? Yeah. It's oval, oval, oval.
It's an oval like an egg, shaped like an egg then. It's not thick like an egg, but it's almost like a flat oval.
A flat egg. And so when I bite into it, instead of having a peanut buttery nugget.
No, no, friend, you do get a peanut buttery nugget, but you also get caramel and nougat and cut. Holy shit, dude.
So the good kids, the cool kids that dressed up, they're definitely getting one of those, plus a Kit Kat, and they're also getting their little tiny red vines. They got all the goods.
But if you were a teenager and you didn't dress up, you get a whopper. Get out of here.
It's so easy. You can, you know, like I sometimes on Halloween, I do like two for one when I dress up.
I could be one or the other. Right.
So sometimes I'm a ghost. Sometimes I'm a KKK member.
I get it. You know what I mean? You can flip flop.
I can flip flop. Or a ghost and a KKK member could be just a sperm.
You kind of look like a sperm as well. That's true.
Could be all of the above. You can be three things.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But we handed out a lot of candy. It was good to see.
I just, I love it. I really do love it when the, but the guy that said thank you really meant a lot to me because we work hard to make it enjoyable for the kids.
Oh my God. Because we've got a lot of Scrooge McDucks on the neighborhood.
There's no way it's as good as that. But anyway.
There's no way as what? There's no way it's as good as what? I mean, you just claim to think that you have the best Halloween house. Ours was one of the best for sure.
There's no way. First of all, there's music.
There's fog. There's graveyards.
That's what you that's what you say bones all over the place there's witches that are hanging around dude i we go to the because that was at your house weeks ago and it wasn't there's nothing there like that yeah weeks ago we weren't prepared okay okay i don't want to i don't want to challenge you i just you don't do anything so who are you to talk you turn the lights out i'm just saying that you could just say you have all these things but i just there when I was there, there was no proof of it. You weren't there on Halloween.
Not even the garage. You weren't there on Halloween.
All getting ready to get that going. There's no fog machine.
You weren't there. There's a fog machine on the night.
Look what I did. You know what I mean? Nothing.
As far as I'm concerned. You weren't there.
And what did you do? Nothing. Yeah.
But I admit it. I don't go, hey, you guys, I had a fucking haunted house.
I had a fucking gargoyle and all that stuff. If you did, you would, you fuckhead.
I put it together. So yeah, that's what I did.
But it's not the best in the neighborhood. I'm sorry.
You're just angry because you don't have the fucking guts to do it, to go out on an emotional limb. I don't have kids that come to my fucking house over the hills.
And that's exactly who you are. Yeah.
A fancy, fancy rich guy. I look at Steve Carell Carlson.
They don't have nothing like that. All he had in his house was old chili, turkey chili.
He'd be scooping it into kids' bags. It's a blessing.
Yeah, dude. You know what? Old Air One turkey chili, dude? I started the documentary about Mr.
Chow. I don't know if you know his story.
I love it. Maybe one of the saddest stories I've ever heard in my life.
He's still alive. What do you mean? I just saw him.
His story is insanely sad, I'm telling you. Oh, let me say a guess.
Go ahead. He was Chinese.
Correct. He's Chinese.
Came here. Yeah.
Oh, I have no money. I make wonton.
And it became famous? Not even close. Okay, tell me.
His, spoiler alert for the Mr. Chow documentary on HBO, but it's pretty incredible.
This guy got shipped away to boarding school when he was a kid. His dad was like a famous theater actor, stage actor.
Pretty rare for the times. Chaoyoung Phat? Chaoyoung Sun.
Oh. Chaoyoung Skin.
Ni. Whoa.
Yeah, his brother. Big fan of his movies.
And then his sister wanted to be an actor, and it was just as rare for the time, especially for Chinese people, because you know the roles. You talk about it in your stand-up act.
You know, racist Hollywood. Every role was like, oh, I do the wrong.
That was every role he ever got. And so when he moved to London and was started to get in film, was in popular films as he grew, he hadn't seen his mother forever.
Couldn't see his mom because his mom was back in China. And anybody at the that went against the chinese i thought you were gonna say because his eyes were so slanty well that's true and anybody back at again uh against the chinese government was blacklisted and killed so both of his parents really his parents were murdered yeah you know who else was murdered brandon lee yeah bruce lee's son yeah well that was on accident No.
It was It was on accident. No idea.
You think that had a tie to Rust and that whole thing? No. You think that was a reprise of Brandon Lee, Rust? Simon Chow, you know who is? Mm-hmm.
He was a producer of Bruce Lee movies back in the day. And there's a conspiracy theory.
That he had had brandon lee killed killed and the sister's been in hiding because maybe she's next anyway let's move on chow's parents were murdered yeah uh amazing oh man so sad then his then his wife because of the shock of the murder of his parents him and his wife start to disconnect yeah and she goes steps out of the marriage. And when she comes back, she's dying of AIDS.
Insane. Don't be lit.
That's 100% the truth. His wife died of fucking AIDS.
Yeah. After she stepped out of the marriage because he was disappearing because he couldn't deal with the loss of his parents.
Yeah. So then he moved and started to really do the restaurant

here in LA

because it started in...

Wow.

I want to watch the documentary.

It's crazy.

Dude, it's an instant.

Because I ran into him

one time at the store

and I'm not lying.

I knew who he was.

He was in Mitzi's bucket seat.

I don't know how he got there,

but in the bucket seat?

Probably because he's Mr. Chow.

Yeah, Mr. Chow.

I get it.

He grabs me

and he goes,

let me talk to you.

Kicks me outside and he goes, come to my wedding. I go, when? Tomato.
I go, tomorrow? Iow. I get it.
He grabs me. He goes, let me talk to you.
Kicks me outside.

He goes, come to my wedding.

I go, when?

Tomato.

Wow.

I go, I don't fucking know you.

You gotta go to his wedding.

I never went.

Should have gone.

And I have a photo on my Instagram, if you don't want to believe me, that was that night.

Of Mr. Chow.

Yeah.

Anyway, have you been there?

No, I've never been there, but I've seen that picture of you with him.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What's your favorite Chinese dish?

I do.

Top three.

Kung Pao chicken, orange chicken, and I know it's like whatever, but fried rice. Yeah, it's great.
Fried rice? I know you were going to give me a shit about that, but I love fried rice. What did you want her to say? Fried rice? Peking duck.
No, no, Peking duck. What did you want her to say? There's beef and broccoli, Mongolian beef.
You know what I mean? There's what? Aren't these all the white ones anyway? Aren't these because of us? No. When you go to China, they eat that? No.
This is all white people. My favorite is, because it's got a little bit of your people in it.
Guess what it is? Hmm. Oh.
Fuevos rancheros. No.
That's it. Yeah.
That was good. That was really good.
What is it? Mushu pork? That's it. Yeah mushu pork Why, why, why, why? Because it's kind of like a taco A burrito Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, exactly Do you like it? Of course And that's the only time I like plum sauce Is in mushu pork I don't like it in any other area.
Well, now that we're stuck on some Asian stuff.

Tell me about everything.

I want to play you something,

and I want you to close your eyes for a second.

Oh, is it Asian music?

It is Asian music.

Okay, go ahead.

I'll tell you what it is.

And it's amazing.

Morgan and Morgan.

I'm in a car accident.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I don't know what to do.

Well, call Morgan and Morgan.

That's exactly, obviously,

how you have to do that.

Clearly. God, if you're ever injured, guys, you could check out Morgan and Morgan.
Man, you got hurt from that car. I know.
It gave you a cough. 35% of all fatal accidents occur between 6 p.m.
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My brother. Yeah.
Who's it about? My mom. It's a good song.
It's a great song. He goes, he's probably going to cry.
It was great. I saw you almost cry a little bit.
Yeah. It's a great song.
That's off. Stevie Weeby's new album's new album he sent it to me today yeah and pretty beautiful relationship i have with the lee family that his he would send it to me and not you to promote on the show can you show this to bobby on bad friends he can't text you but he'll text me but his new album is available now it's really good and it's on what it's on uh it's.
What's it called? Bandcamp? Bandcamp. Yeah, it's on Bandcamp.
And the link will be in the description for all the fans. That was really good.
Please support our Lee family. It's actually some- There's some bangers on there.
What's that track called again? It's for his mom. It's called Oma? Chigae.
It's kimchi chigae, which is a soup. So mama soup, basically.
Oh, that's a good song. That's so awesome.
I remember talking to him almost a year ago, and he wanted to make more music and get back into it. And so now to see his whole album's out, it's really cool.
There's Stevie Weeby Lee. That's Bobby's brother's new music, new album out.
Go check it out on Band Camp. Very good.
Isn't that nice? Didn't you connect with your brother a little bit through music? Do you talk to him about this stuff ever? Well, him and I, we're both musically inclined. My brother took a different direction musically.
What do you mean? Like he's more of a hip-hop vibe? Yeah, more hip-hop vibe because I didn't grow up with – he, for some reason, in his class, he hung out with a lot of black dudes. But in my class, we didn't have any.
Oh, they weren't accepted by you and you were. No we had one guy I forget his name I think it was Steve Havy or something not Harvey Steve Harvey Steve Harvey I gotta tell you that guy is doing well.
I forgot his name I forgot this guy's name Show me Poway but he stole I remember he stole my He-Man and never gave it back. Why is that to be a black guy stealing something story? Why? I know, that's my thing.
That's the only story you remember from him?

Yeah, he stole my He-Mans.

Multiple?

You had multiple He-Men?

Well, I had Skeletor, He-Man, all the other characters.

Well, you're probably a little rich little brat.

I would have stole from you too.

And he wouldn't give them back.

I'm like, come on, Steve Harvey.

I forgot his name.

You have a little mustache back then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But my point is, and then my brother had a crew

and they listened to hip hop.

And the only influence I had was my cousin Paul

All right. little mustache back then yeah but my point is and then my brother had you know a crew and they listen to hip-hop and the only influence i had was my cousin paul would tell me about the velvet

underground other bands you know i mean and so that's my influence but i wish i had more of a

hip-hop vibe but you know i don't oh it's okay and i apologize have you checked in on your mom

since we've done the therapy sessions by the way we text every night so i haven't called her

physically now is she still going yeah is she happy with it? I haven't gotten the details but she still likes it, she said. That's great.
I don't want to dive into it because I don't want to get involved. It's not, the results aren't up to me.
No, I understand. I'm just saying.
But it's good to know if she's happy going. If she goes and she likes it, God bless.
God bless.

But the results aren't up to me.

Just like your addiction, it's not up to you, right?

And my career.

It's not up to you.

It isn't up to me.

You just try your best and see what unfolds.

And guess what, guys?

It's unfolded very good, my life.

Very well, yeah. At 52 years old, just to see.
Mondayay night i went to dinner with a bunch of korean actors and stuff yeah they're on fire you what physically yeah and i was like putting water on them that's a weird dinner what they were protesting oh wow yeah well yeah just like in the vietnam war those monks yeah they we had dinner and they just lit themselves on fire i'm like. Yeah, and there was no point of it.
I'm like, what's the cause? Like, we don't know. You're like, I'll get the check.
These guys are lighting themselves on fire. I go, just get in the heat.
But my point is that, so I was at dinner with a bunch of young Asians in the business. Yeah.
And they're all like talking about their deals,

you know,

and all the great things that are happening in their lives.

And,

you know,

and I,

for once in my life,

went,

I hope you guys die.

No,

no.

But once in my life,

I was like,

God,

I'm just so proud.

Do they have a,

they don't have that.

They don't have a gold plaque from YouTube? No, they have Oscar. But my point is, no, they don't have Oscar.
Nobody there has an Oscar. I know, they don't.
But they're doing their own thing, and I'm like, I'm just kind of watching. Because when I started, there was no opportunity.
It was so fucking hard. Here we go.
But with them, it's nice. And it was so easy for me.
That was the difference, I think. It was a cakewalk for everybody else.
I'm not doing that right now, dude. No, don't roll your fucking eyes.
You know who used to do that? Mr. Ferguson used to do that.
My fucking biology teacher. Every time he would ask me a question in fucking high school, and I didn't know, I never knew that he would just roll his eyes.
You asked a question and he would- No, he would always, because I was always doing something. Stupid.
Well, I don't know, but he'd be just like, Mr. Lee, you know what I mean? What is the, you know, that mineral sign? Whatever it is.
The mineral sign? Or for a. I could see why he rolled his eyes.
Right? I'd be like, I don't know, man. You mean the metrics? He's like, what are you talking about metrics it's not math i go you know but the square yeah you know i mean he's like it's a pie the pie the pie square yeah and he's like no anyway he rolled his eyes and i used to go like you piece of shit dude look at him out where is he is he dead i don't know shout out to mr fer Ferguson.
When I get out of here, I'm going to find you, dog.

I'm going to gouge those eyes out

with a fucking skillet.

Tough guy.

Yeah.

I like this guy.

I don't know what a skillet is.

Yeah, a skillet's for cooking.

You know how hard it would

to cut someone's eyes out

with a skillet?

I know, but it'd be painful.

For both of you.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah,

so don't roll your eyes at me.

That's my thing.

Don't do it. I'll roll my eyes at you.
Yeah. Watch, watch.
Halloween. A couple of cobwebs.
How does it feel, man? I think your insecurity bleeds. Whopper.
Yeah, it's sad. Whopper is so sad.
dude In your little house Anyway I was so grateful With your turkey chili The fat sad boot on the stairs Yeah Yeah Yeah dude Okay Yeah Alright Fucking bitch Fucking bitch dude Fucking bitch ass Love you though man Love you dog It's so fun So fun on the road You know It has been We've had some really fun times On the road What was the last place we played Denver Great And then we got Chicago, Milwaukee And Madison And Minneapolis Donezo Great when we're done We're going to the coldest places In the cold In the worst time Yeah Although you know You to meet Dan. Dan Rather from CBS News?

Yeah.

How do you know him?

We follow each other on Etsy.

Dude, you're like Theo Vaughn today.

No, I'm not.

You're like taking things somewhere else that don't belong together. No, we both create things on Etsy.

We trade.

Oh, you follow each other on Etsy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you make on Etsy?

Mittens.

You're a mitten guy?

Yeah.

Mitt on Babu. So no fingers.
Mittens. They're so stiff though.
Yeah. Right.
You just can't have to pick it up. And so not warm.
Yeah. And don't wear them around pandas.
What does he make, Dan, rather on Etsy? Oh, he makes these, so you know how he loves to talk on the mic? Yeah. He makes it out of, you know, linen.

Good.

You got it.

Yeah, yeah.

Linen swabs.

He makes linen microphones?

Yeah.

And you know the tips of the Q-tip?

Do I?

Yeah.

Cotton?

That's not really cotton.

Is it not?

No.

What's on the tip of a Q-tip?

Q.

Oh, it's just a bunch of Q.

Yeah. What do you think the tip? Dude, the tip of a Q-tip? Q.
Oh, it's just a bunch of Q. Yeah.
What do you think the tip? Dude, the tip of its Q. So that's a bunch of Q woven up? Yeah, man.
Oh, wow. You don't know the difference between Q and Cotton did? What is it? Well, I don't know.
And that's why it's like mysterious. It's like Q, like in Star Trek, Next Generation, there was a character named Q.
And he was like sort of like this character that he was sort of like God.

He came in and out, but no one could really describe what he was.

That's a Q-tip.

So that's what the Q-tip.

So the Q-tip is named after the Q from-

Q is a mystery.

You know, first of all, isn't that a mystery letter?

Q?

Yeah.

Why?

There's not a lot of words with Q in it.

No, he's saying Y is a mystery letter.

I'm saying Y is a mystery letter.

That's another mystery.

There's two of them.

How many words start with the letter Q?

Question, coil.

Queen, quince, quagmire.

Queef.

975 words start with the letter Q.

That's not good.

Quadruple.

Now, how many words start with B?

L, less.

Wow. That can't be right.
How many words start with B? L less Wow That can't be right How many words start with B? How does it say? It's pretty interesting In the English, yeah Yeah, 890 Less words start with B than Q We learned something That's no way, dude Pretty impressive There probably isn't a lot of words that start with what I think it starts with Well, how many Yeah, what do you think? What letter has the most Let me see I can't even think of 20 words that start with what I think it starts with. Well, how many? Yeah.
What do you think? What letter has the most... Let me see.
I can't even think of 20 words that start with B. 20 words? Yeah.
No, you know it. B? Yeah.
I'd have to think, though. Let's do it right now.
Ready? You go one, I go one, you go one. Oh, and whoever stops? Yeah.
Okay. Go.
Buffoon. Bombastic.
Burrito. Bouquet.
Below. Beef.
Bark. Bussy.

Bussy.

Yeah, a bussy.

That's a new term that's in the dictionary now.

Okay.

Yeah, it's a male pussy.

Yeah.

Really?

You don't know about this?

We can do urban stuff?

Why couldn't we?

We have an urban audience, don't we?

Okay, go ahead.

Balls.

Booyah.

Black.

Bounce.

Barcuda.

Barracuda's good. Isn't barracuda one? Yeah, barracuda's good.
A fish, right? It is a fish. Yeah.
Beacon. Bamboozle.
Banshee. Boudry.
Bent. Black.
I said black. You did? Bruise.
Block. Bruise.
Block then. What? Are we going this way now? Here, go.
Blah.

What?

Blah.

Blah?

Blah.

B-L-A-H.

Blood.

Oh, blood?

Blot?

Blah?

What are you saying? Forget it.

Blah.

Forget it.

Forget this game, man.

We're going forever.

We did it.

We did it, do it.

We did it.

We did more time.

That was at least 898.

Now, let's see if we can do Q, because Q technically has more.

I can't do it.

Let's do it.

I know three.

Go.

Queen. You already said it.
I know three. Go.
Queen.

You already said it.

Quail.

Quagmire.

Question.

Quince.

Q-tip.

Qualify.

I don't know.

I got no one.

Queen quandary.

I have no idea.

Quantify.

Quantify.

Quality.

Question. Quaint.
Quaint. Quick.
Quack. Quell.
Oh. Quit.
Oh. Oh, wow.
I'm out. Yeah.
so we know a guy who met somebody on a set yeah and way above yeah i mean his pay grade she's the most famous person i think we know anyone knows yeah she's and you know you know this is when he was single yeah it was long long long time ago and she would live up on the hills. Well, multiple houses, but yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And late at night, we would see him walk down the hill, right, with his face just fucking- Pussified.
Puss juice. Pussified.
Famous celebrity puss juice all over his face. And he confused and gratified happy I remember the night we took a walk and talk we smoked a joint in my neighborhood and he told me about who it was and it did make me think for a second are all my friends going to date famous people? alright like it made me go oh my god is that a normal thing? you can do that? yeah that what you never think you can do that i thought that but you can do it if they let you you can they never let me i think you could well i never got like you know i had dinner with cape blanchett once i never got the vibe cape blanchett went to dinner with you on a date or on a movie when i did a movie oh you were shooting a film yeah night, she was like, well, let's go take the whole cast out to dinner.
And I sat next to her at dinner. But you were there with like 20 other people.
Yeah, Jamie Lee Curtis. All these people were there.
That's not the same thing. And I was sitting there.
And in my mind, I'm like, if she did, I would do it. If she made a move.
Yeah, yeah. If Cate Blanchett made a move, what's your move? Look it, I'm Cate Blanchett.
No, no, no, please. Bring me a photo of her so I can play her.
Please. Just so I can get in character.
No, I don't want to get in trouble here. She's British, right? Yeah, yeah.
She's the nicest person I've ever met. Bobby? Yeah.
That's dead on. What will you be ordering? Me? Well, you know, I'm sober, so I'll get Diet Coke.
Okay, Diet Coke for the little one. What would you be having? I'll have a gin and tonic.
Oh, that's nice. A good choice.
Do you mind if I drink in front of you? Oh, I don't mind at all. Do you mind if I have a drink while you're licking my toes later? I'm hitting you, Robert.
Here? Under the table, you go. I would do it.
You'd go right under the table? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If she said right in front of all those people.
Oh, yeah. Why would you? You can't say.
It's, you know, improv. Always agree.
Well, I mean, have you done movies before you were married with famous people? When you were single ever? No, I still don't do movies with famous people. Kevin Hart's not famous no that but that's now that was only a couple years ago no i never got a big movie i never got to do anything with the only people that i got to work with who's the biggest actor you've worked with in my life yeah because you just did john cena tom arnold that's not even fucking i've done tom arnold tom arnold i've done done Tom Arnold.
Who was the biggest I ever worked with? Melissa Leo when I did... I mean, she's an Oscar winner.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge.
And she would not hook up with me. Mark Wahlberg.
Whoa! Wait, what? Yeah, because I was in the wardrobe department on Transformers 5, and I delivered him his shoe inserts. Whoa.
Was he nice? How big are they? Really nice. How big are they? They were like, not like padding, but just like comfort.
Yeah, but you were the 10th person to give him one. Yeah, that's right.
They were stacking them up. I didn't want to say it because I was like kind of shy about that.
Yeah, yeah. He was really nice.
He came out of his like trailer. Have Mark Wahlberg, you know what I mean, hit on you, would you? Yeah.
Even now. Well, wait, why do you say even now? No, he's older.
I mean, I don't know. Older? He's one of those, like, ageless Hollywood.
All right, so if Mark Wahlberg called you out of the blue. And he goes, hey, baby, let me take you on a date.
You would go on a date with him? Yeah, I would love to go on a date with Mark Wahlberg. And if he tried to.
Why, has he said something? He would make out and all that stuff with him? Maybe. I mean, I would, like, I mean, he's still a person.
I'd want to. want to Get to know him Probably But I'd still want to see where he goes What if he was like Yo I want to take you on a date but Just let you know like I gotta fuck on the first date And it's only anal What would you say? Oh man You don't do anal on the first date? No But it's me it's Mocky Mock Yeah yeah yeah I know You gotta let me do it baby girl You gotta let me do it Yeah Gotta fuck on the first date And I gotta get the ass Is it your ass or my ass? Both I'll both do it I mean I'll fuck your ass I got a happening poster I'll sign it for you You never heard of the Wahlberg way? Okay Happening poster You want free hamburgers for my family? Yeah and free Wahlbergers And you get free Wahlbergers for life Sounds a good deal Ben me over Let's do this thing No I worked with him That was me him and Kevin Hart I wonder if there's a star That hit on me And.
Let's do this thing. No, I worked with him.
That was me, him, and Kevin Hart.

I wonder if there's a star that hit on me,

and I would just go, I just can't.

Like a hot starlet.

Margot Robbie.

No Margot Robbie.

You would say no to Margot Robbie.

Too hot.

What do you mean too hot?

Dude, it would be like,

do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I would be there, and I'd be like,

I'd look down, because that's what you do. Like in a war, right? In a war, right? Back in the day when they had muskets and the war's starting, right? And you have your musket, right? And you have to look down to see if all the stuff is in there.
You don't really. Yeah, but I would.
Okay. Immediately dead? No, no, no, no, no.
How did Private Lee die? I didn't light it. Shot himself in the fucking head.
Because he would look at it down the barrel. No, no, no.
I would just see if everything's in, like, so I would look at my dick and go, is everything there? Is my sack? If the sack there, is the sack there? I think if Margot Robbie was with you, you'd be just fine. Saying you don't want to get with Margot Robbie.
If she doesn't kiss, then no. If she doesn't kiss? You are insane.
Crazy. No, I can't get, you know my thing.
I know. I can't get hard.
Period. No, I can, unless I know that they like me.
Blue chew! No. Right? And so the way I know that a woman likes me, if they make out.
And I can feel during the make out section that they like me. Right.
Right? So then I go, okay, I'm in. But if I'm in a situation where they don't like me, I can't get aroused.
How many girls have you slept with that don't like you? Careful. None.
So what do you mean? But I've been in situations where one time, okay, one time I did this comedy club. I can't name the guy.
I show up at this town. He goes, I got you a woman.
Got you a woman. I go, what do you mean? Was this 1966? I go, what do you mean? He's like, a woman of the night.
I go, who told you that I need this? Carlos. Then I walked in the hotel room.
There was a woman in my hotel room. Just sitting on the bed she goes hi so-and-so and I go yeah get out I can't do it you didn't even ask her what they paid for no I just can you imagine if you got like a discount package she's like hi I can jerk you off but it's with my feet there's a girl in West Hollywood who does that just of course you know the girl she just feet because know that.
She just feet because she doesn't want to touch. I just need somebody to like.

I have to know that they like me before I do it.

Let me tell you something.

Saying no that you wouldn't want to go on a date with Margot Robbie because she's too hot

is like saying I don't want to ride down a mountain on skis because it's over at some point.

It's like who the fuck cares?

Yes, it's a quick ride.

Margot Robbie's never going to.

What if they don't want to go down to the mountain on skis?

No, she's letting you ride down the mountain, but you're like it's going to be over at some some point But what if you don't like skiing? Then you don't like Margot Robbie Bingo Oh wow Yeah Would you? I'll take a date with Margot Robbie You're right I would go What? Yeah I would go I would try If I didn't try I wouldn't know Yeah Right I would go in. And she goes, no, no, just eat my pussy.

I'd just be like, okay.

And then kicks you out.

And then the moment you're done, she goes, get out.

There's a new bird outside.

Get the fuck out.

I don't get to come?

What?

Gross.

Yuck.

Get out.

Oh, I wouldn't ask her that.

It would just be internal dialogue.

No, I know.

But she heard you say it inside.

She's that good.

Oh, my favorite one.

Yeah.

Does that?

So I go.

And then she goes.

Get out.

Thank you. internal dialogue.
No, I know. But she heard you say it inside.
She's that good. Oh, my favorite one.
Yeah. Does that...
So I go...

And then she goes... Get out.

Get out. Are you...
What are you, insane? And by the way,

and then tomorrow, you're gonna call her anyway.

Right. Margot, I had a great time.

I know you did, loser.

When can I do it again? Whenever the fuck I want.

I'll call you later. Okay, okay.
Whenever. I'll be up 24-7.

Call me anytime.

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If a genie granted you one wish, what would it be? Where do you find the bottle?

Where do we find the genie bottle?

On a beach or the desert?

Air One.

Air One.

Do they sell genie lamps?

Or I'm at Air One.

How much do you think a wish would cost?

Probably like $100.

Per a wish?

It'd be like $100,000 at Air One.

Yeah, at Air One.

If you got one wish, literally, that would cost probably 25 million. This is interesting.
Does the genie and its lamp and its wish giveth, does that come from where it's located, like where the lamp is found? Like you would find it in Beverly Hills. Yeah.
Is he like a fancy looking genie that gives you unlimited wishes? But if you find one in Tor you know torrance is he like dude you get a half a wish i gotta yeah yeah i got mine at ralph's okay yeah if you have a lamp that you find at vaughn's what's a half wish half wish right you may only some of it's gonna come true yeah the genie's kind of lazy my one wish my one wish would be um that's a one, huh? For bad friends to last forever. For me and Andrew to live forever.
For you and I to live forever? Yeah. Wow, dude, can you imagine the apocalypse? Everyone's gone.
Everything doesn't exist except for you and I. But then you have a wish and you can make that better.
You could double down on our wish. Wait, imagine though I had the same wish and the genie's like, you fucking idiots.
You both wish for the same thing. So we just live together.
Oh no, I'd be mad. I'd go, no pussy, dude.
No, dude. I thought you did that.
That was my first question. No, if we ever get a fucking wish, all right? Okay, let's do it.
I'm going to go, me and Andrew live forever. Yeah.
And your wish would be? That we live forever. No! Oh, I fucked it up again? No, no, no, no.
That we get a love for our lives would live forever too.

You do a wish.

I'll do one.

Ready?

Go.

All right.

Jeannie.

May I call you Jeannie?

Yes, you may.

You're a Jeannie.

I'm sorry.

My eyes are okay.

I'm a lady Jeannie.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

Whoa.

My bad.

This Jeannie looks a lot different

than I thought Jeannie's would look like.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm, you know,

I'm magic so I can transform.

Cool.

So anyway, my one wish is for me and Andrew to live forever.

Which, Andrew?

Santino.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The one I do the podcast with.

Yeah, yeah.

Do I get a wish, genie?

Okay, you guys live forever.

What's your...

My wish...

Andrew, think about it.

I got it.

My wish is that me and my best friend, Bobbi, live forever. it's done see you guys later bye we're doing it no dude I take it back wait so if you're the last ones on earth you guys are fucking right we're so old at that point wish granted no because there's still gonna be sex wars that was my secret wish you didn You know what I would go? I'd go, hey, let's get this motorcycle because we'd have motorcycles.

Of course we have motorcycles.

Right.

How do we not?

We got to go to San Marcos.

You know what's at San Marcos?

What?

You don't know what's at San Marcos?

No.

San Marcos, San Diego.

Oh, yeah?

The real doll factory.

Oh.

Think about it.

Just two best friends. Going to the real doll factory.
Sex doll factory factory And we go in there And we can put the parts But you know what'll happen What? We'll use them all We'll never clean them And then we'll run out No we live there And we gotta go find another Sex doll factory This is a movie Two best This is like our Harold and Kumar They're trying to go to White Castle We just are trying to go Get sex toys So we're traveling the country Going from sex toy factory To sex toy factory We use them once We throw them and Kumar. They're trying to go to White Castle.
We just are trying to go get sex toys. So we're traveling the country going from sex toy factory to sex toy factory.
We use them once. We throw them away.
And then we got to go find a new one. Well, I'm sure there's about 500 of them.
Well, then let's get started. And they're not one use things.
You can use probably one for a year. It's actually a good movie.
Two best friends set out to go because of the apocalypse. Instead of going to get like food or rations, they want to go to the ultimate sex toy factory to have sex with the most realistic doll that's just been imported from Japan.
Basically a human. And it's a journey.
That's our Held and Kumar. That's funny.
And we get there, what happens? They become real in a weird way. They kill us.
Yeah, they kill us. For sure.
They're hunting us and killing us. They're the reasons why there is no more people in the world because they're aliens.

Everyone's been getting killed by sex dolls, which are inhabited by aliens.

Yeah.

If we're the last people on earth, once we went to the sex place, the story, I get a

bunch of real dolls.

I know we're joking about this, but I do.

Where would you go?

I do think this is coming soon.

Where would you want to go?

The end of the world.

Where would I go?

What?

Like if you and I are the only ones on earth and I'm like, we got to go to San Marcos and you'd probably let's go I'd go for you yeah But then where would you Want to go after that? That's so fun Yeah Where's my place to go to? Yeah I'll go anywhere I'd want you to drive Across the country with me To Augusta National To go play probably The most coveted golf course In the world Wait how long Go ahead How long do you think Gasoline would be's got to be so much. There's so much of it.
For just two people. We'd never run out.
Never run out. I don't know how to use generators, do you? Yeah, what do you mean? Please.
But we need gasoline for a generator. No, but I know there's going to be gas around, but I don't know how any of it works.
I got you, baby. Lighting? What do you mean? How did we light up a place? Electricity, he means.
Yes light up a place electricity he means yes well the grid will be down so we'll have to use candles at night or generators you know jenny's with a big light that's heavy we might as well just use candles and loud they're really loud yeah yeah right and then here's what we'll do every house we stay in when we're done we'll just burn it to, that's fine. Yeah.
Oh, and can I ask you this? Like, we'll stay in LeBron James' house. Can we have like a million dogs? We'll have, well, first of all, they'll be following us.
We'll be the only ones finding food. We'll naturally just acquire dogs.
Dude, that's what would happen, right? Yeah. You would have like hundreds of dogs following around.
No cats, though. One.
How? They'll never stay with us. We're on the move.
You don't know some of them. How are we going to dogs Are we gonna put them in a semi We gotta get a semi truck And fill them back up with dogs Here's what we do then And I'm being real Okay No I'm being real So am I I go We have to find one place to stay No Yeah yeah yeah yeah I'll stay there We'll stay in the greatest place on earth Where Austin Texas Yeah yeah The.
The center of the universe. We'll go to Joe's house.
A different Joe. Joe Biden.
Oh, the White House. Yes, you guys got at least one night.
The White House. And we'll paint it yellow.
We're going to own the White House. We're going to live in the White House.
That's what we're going to anyway. Yeah.
Wherever we go, right? We keep the dogs there.

I'll stay there with them. Fine, and I'll go on a journey.

And you gotta go to San Marcos, get me

this sex doll. Oh my god.
If you bring down,

if you bring back, like, you know,

the good kind. You know what's

gonna end up happening? What? I do.

Go ahead. You're

going to try to make Andrew be your

servant. Mm-hmm.
And Andrew's

just gonna go off on his own. Get you sex dolls.
You're to find food because there's no Uber Eats, no steakhouses. Don't be silly.
She's right. Oh, yeah.
What are you providing? Food is all going to go bad. Number one, you guys are so dumb, dude.
Number one, okay. I can go to a Vons, right? Frozen food's out.
There's no more frozen food. It's gone.
Exactly, right? Anything fresh is out. But canned food, I know how to open those.
You act like you can't plant seeds. I know how there's pots, right? And I know how to pour beans in a pot and start a fire because the lighters will be there.
And there'll be wood there'll be wood it's true to do a bonfire yeah um i'm gonna start a michelin star restaurant by myself that no one shows up to every night but i but i prep like someone is gonna come oh that's so sad and i stand outside with a towel on my arm and i and as just as the wind just a languid wind. I just go, care for some Italian? Yeah.

And I just stand by myself.

Losing my mind, but I cook like feverishly every day.

And I'll be the wine guy.

You finally show up.

Like Lieutenant Dan DeForest Gump, you finally show up.

I have no legs.

Why did you lose your legs?

The fire, I was making beans.

Lieutenant Lee let his legs on fire.

I was making beans and I found Andrew again.

He never got the sex dolls, but here we have this restaurant now. The movie's called Lieutenant Lee's Legs.
Yeah. And then you replaced your legs with the sex doll legs.
Yeah. Wait, if Bobby's bottom half was a sex doll.
Yes, I would. Okay.
Of course. What are we even talking about at some point? Of course I would.
Yeah.

If your bottom half fell off and we had to put a sex doll on the bottom.

How much money did Lieutenant Dan give Forrest Gump for the shrimp company?

What do you mean?

How much did Forrest Gump get Lieutenant Dan?

Didn't Lieutenant Dan make a lot of money off of the shrimp company?

Yeah, but Forrest bought the boat from Bubba Gump's mom. I understand that.
And then like he gives money. How much money does he give Forrest? Well, they got about 15 boats.
Right. Because all the boats were wiped out.
Yeah, and they were the only ones left. Right, and they made millions of dollars.
They had tens of millions. And then I remember Lieutenant Dan comes to the wedding or whatever, right? And I know that Forrest makes money from Lieutenant Dan, but I was wondering if Lieutenant Dan fucked him over a little bit it felt like he did a little bit those legs were made out of the same thing that the NASA space shuttle was made out of so I didn't trust him when he said that that's true that's true when I look at movies like that I don't like it Taylor Tomlinson to host CBS After Midnight she's taken over for fucking James Corden really wow that's huge news comedian has scored the late night CBS gig she beat out ex-Mayo and Ricky Velez for the hosting job.
The news would announce on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, whose host will executive produce the show. Tomlinson, rising stand-up, has released her Netflix specials, Quarter Life Crisis.
And look at you. Congratulations to Taylor Tomlinson.
Taylor, oh my god. Our homie, who's going to be now hosting.
I just, I literally, when you told me that, it gave me goosebumps at the size of coconut balls. Amazing.
That's amazing. Honestly, good for Taylor.
Congratulations, Taylor Thomason. It's absolutely amazing.
It's like comedy history. Yeah.
I mean, honestly, that's the first female comedian to host a late night show. She's young.
She's young. What is she, 27? Gotta be.
25, 26. But you know what's so funny is she's walking in the footsteps of some of the greats before because I will say,

Joan Rivers would do guest hosting

for Johnny Carson.

She had her own show too.

But I'm saying,

Joan Rivers always wanted

and probably deserved

to get a late night show.

She did on Fox.

The main ones we're talking about.

She had a main Fox one.

That's why Johnny Carson was mad at her.

You're not listening.

I'm saying like the main shows,

the late, late show,

the late, late show,

the tonight show.

So what Arsenio did wasn't a real thing. It was, dude.
It's like different categories. You're not listening.
I'm saying like the main shows, the late, late show, the late, late show, the tonight show. Like,

so what our senior does,

it wasn't a real thing.

It was dude,

but like different category though.

Yeah.

You're,

you're missing what I'm saying.

The main network television,

late night shows are the ones that,

the Fox is not late.

It's not me.

I don't know what you just said.

To be honest,

what I was trying to say was it's impressive to be a female to lead a late night show.

That is one of the original network. Late night.
You're right. That right that's huge it's huge it's a big fucking deal because joan rivers and all these other people that had shows they weren't the main shows they weren't the late night or the tonight show the late and i love they went you know we're gonna go young young well she's a voice of a massive generation look at her audience she sells out fucking arenas there's a reason yeah he's so famous there's Nate Bargatze just did fucking SNL.
Yeah, but I hope they don't. It's, you know, because when you watch, you know, Fallon or any of these guys do their monologues and stuff, it just becomes so watered down and cookie cutter.
You know what I mean? There's no more edge to it, and I just wish that she doesn't lose the magic that's all she's not really an edgy comedian she's a very like she's very speaks from her own voice and her own perspective it's but they're gonna write her topical stuff and i just just you know i just hope it doesn't i don't think it will i think she'll lose her i think she'll do a phenomenal she doesn't have an edge she's not an edgy comic she's a very like cool though. She is, but she's a wholesome, like a- The reason they booked her on that is because she's receivable to an American audience.
Yeah. She doesn't go out of her way to talk about poop and jerking off like this show.
I'm sorry. Newsflash, we're definitely not getting on late night anytime soon.
Never. She's much more clean and concise and intelligent.
Her comedy very uh it's good and this is bullshit it's not bullshit this is goofball wackadoo nonsense we're about to show so we did denver and um we've been doing guys is we're doing talent shows and because we know our fans have massive talent we've had some pretty impressive we had a lady that did a uh hawk Not Hawkk. No, she did a seagull.
A seagull. We had a bunch of rappers.
We had a rapper in DC who was actually really good. We had a rapper in Denver.
The Denver was good too. We've had a lot of hidden talent fans.
I think the most impressive talent was what? Let's say it on three. One, two, three.
Queef. Oh.
Wait, what were you going to say? I was going to say that say so we're doing that she wasn't on the lineup right and we asked the audience we have a lot of talented you know i mean people that signed up for the talent show and some random lady in the audience goes i can queef on command and we always gets your attention yeah get on stage yeah you got to get on stage. Yeah, so that's, to me, I went stop, hold,

and there was 3,500 people there.

Not only could she queef on command when she came on stage,

which, by the way, you know, they gave us that microphone she used.

We have it here.

It's encased in the front room.

Why, they didn't want to use it again?

It's melted.

The top is just...

Oh, I see.

But this woman could queef on beat.

She made a beat.

She could queef with a beat.

It was incredible. It was like a golden buzzer moment, like an AGT, like everybody.
Oh my God, we're sending her to the finals. You remember when Mozart, Salieri.
Salieri. I remember.
You remember? Yeah. What? Salieri.
Salieri. You're such an asshole, dude.
You're a fucking asshole. You're such a fucking pretentious dickhead.
You know who you are, dude? You're the kind of guy that likes $35 water. You're a fucking dickhead.
Yeah. Salieri.
Salieri. Salieri.
Salieri wrote a piece for the king, right? And the king is practicing because he wants to show off in front of Mozart. Right.
Right? And Mozart comes in and goes, well, I think this will be better. And he made it better.
it better that's what this lady was like you imagine Mozart comes to the room when somebody's composing something and he's just like eating something just go gay to whatever yeah but he um she came in and goes hold hold my drink hold my drink yeah and watch what I can do but you know what the weird is? You can hear it go. It was incredible.

It was so.

It was incredible.

We can't show the video on the main page here, of course.

But we have a Patreon.

We're going to show it there.

Go watch it on the Patreon if you want.

It's on there.

We can't show it on the main YouTube page.

She's the Rachmaninoff of Queefs.

The Rachmaninoff of Queefs.

Go check it out on the Patreon.

Because if we show it on here, YouTube will get mad at us again.

Again.

And I want to say this.

I really, really, really love you. Who, me? Juice.
Oh, me. And to the fans out there that have been asking, we are an inch away from closing down a deal so we can go to Australia to perform for our fans.
Oh, yeah. Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Auckland.
We're all over the place, down under. We're working on it right now.
But in the meantime, go see us out in 2024.

Get the tickets because we're going to be in Atlantic City. We're going to be in Tucson.
We're going to be in Reno, Temecula, Sacramento. So go check us out at badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
And thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
you know how i knew by the way what time you left in denver uh when i walked past the hotel room how would i know that you what you did that morning or that late that night what do you mean there was a cart in the hallway with all the food on it that you ordered yeah and i literally go god i knew bobby ate last night we just ate dinner and i go i bet he ate again. I lifted up the napkin and she starts cracking up.
Spaghetti, steak, soup, salad. We just ate and he had so much stuff.
So here's the deal. Can you never do that again? What? That's my food.
I didn't touch it. It's intrusive.
It don't. You were done with it.
I covered it. You were done.
Did I not cover my food? That's to say I'm done. Doesn't matter.
It's mine. Don't look at it.
I'm going to look at it every time. I'm going to do whatever I want.
I'll look at your fucking food all I want, especially if you're done. You're done.
It's for the garbage. You're throwing it away.
Can I tell you another thing then? Yeah, go ahead. Since we're here at this level.
Yeah, let's go then. I wasn't really going to fart on your wife.
Yeah, you were. No, I wasn't.
And you acted so fucking weird about it. You farted on everyone in the green room.
You also did fart right next to her because you thought it was funny. And I said, don't fucking fart on her.
But why are you so fucking weird about it? Because it's crazy disrespectful. She did not want that to happen.
Yeah, she was not into it. That's not okay.
She doesn't like that. Okay, but don't get that angry about it.
Nobody is. Shut up.
I'm going to fart on your wife next time I see her. Can you imagine? He would be so fucking mad.
I don't give a fuck. Now that they have a baby, he'll kill you.
That's instant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway. You can do whatever you want to me.
Okay. Well, then how about this? That's out of bounds.
You don't look at my food, I don't fart on your wife. I'm going to look at your food all over the place.
I'm going to fart on your wife. And I'll beat the shit out of you.
And I'll beat the shit out of me. Yeah, you will.
wife and i'll beat the shit out of you and i'll beat the shit out of me yeah you will okay i'll beat the shit out of myself god you get so mad about stupid things man to do something so stupid there's other things you get mad about anyone you're 52 and to fart on somebody's wife is insane backstage it's fun it doesn't matter what stage it's on front stage backstage okay anyway idiot fucking moron you Fucking idiot. a chill pill as a 52 year old that farts on people there's other things though too that you just get mad about fart on people yeah nobody wants to be farted on ever can i tell you another thing that you get no i don't want to bring it look at your face nobody wants to be farted on.
Period.

I know, but it was a joke.

I wasn't really going to do it.

You did.

You just farted.

Ask my butt.

Ask my butt.

Put it on the mic.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.