Magic Water & The 3rd World Genie

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Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey, bad friends, friends, friends. Hey, bad friends.
We are on tour. The tour, baby.
Where are we going? We're going to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, baby.
With beer and cheese. With the cheese.

Speaker 2 With the beer and cheese. Jeffrey Dahmer.
Oh, he's there. Will he be coming to the show? No, but there's those types of whites.
All right, then the next night we're in Chicago.

Speaker 2 Then we go to Minneapolis. John Wayne Casey.
Yes, yes. Chicago.
All your favorite cereal camps. Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Then Minneapolis. The Killer's from there.
And then probably McCone.

Speaker 2 He'll be there. Yeah, McCone's from there.
And then Madison, Wisconsin is how we end the year. And then in the new year, we've got a big run.
We go to the next one.

Speaker 2 January 20th, we're going to end up in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Boy, boy.
Come on, gamble. Salt Lake City, Utah, January 27th, boy, boy.
And then Temecula. Do you know where Temecula is? Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 It's right by Poway, where I grew up. Exactly.
And that's where you're going to meet Dan, my sponsor. I'm going to meet Dan, your sponsor, at Temecula.
So come on out to Pachanga on February 2nd.

Speaker 2 Then we do Reno. Reno, Nevada.
Sacramento.

Speaker 2 Long Beach. Long Beach.
Then we do

Speaker 2 Canada. We do Windsor, Ontario, and Niagara Falls back-to-back.
And Canada, then we do Tucson, Arizona. Where do we finish on 420? Las Vegas, Nevada, April 20th, 2024.
Come see us live.

Speaker 2 Come see us, get your tickets. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 3 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Hello.
Hello, and what do we have here? We have, you know, dude, could I just say something about that? Let me ask you. A million subscribers.
Yay! right? This is incredible.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much, YouTube, for occasionally banning us and demonetizing us. Is that really from YouTube? Yeah.
We got a million. Dude, we got an award from the YouTube?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we passed a million subs. That's amazing.
I didn't know you get awards for that. Let's go back to this now.
Let's go back to that. Okay, so number one,

Speaker 2 when you get water,

Speaker 2 what's the most annoying thing when you have water? What's the most annoying thing when I get water? When you drink water. When I drink water? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That you have to keep drinking it, otherwise you die? Nope.

Speaker 2 nope no what is it nanos this is nano pure you're telling me there's no nanos there's no nanos this sounds like we're doing a plug for this stuff no no no no so we talked about this on the other episode can i just say another thing please right

Speaker 2 when every time i've i've drinking water

Speaker 2 i went there's something wrong with this you know what

Speaker 2 it's structured differently uh than it should be ah

Speaker 2 restructured you're telling me this is fully restructured yeah yeah here's another thing right yeah what do you love about water when it What it has? It keeps me alive. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 There's elements in it. I'll tell you what.
Oh, hydrogen and oxygen. When it's oxygenated, right? But it already has oxygen in it.
But this company?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Not enough oxygen. Hyper.
They need more oxygen. I hypered it out, dude.
Okay, well, let's take a step.

Speaker 2 But I'm going to say this.

Speaker 2 You're already closed-minded. No, I'm not.
No, no, you're closed-minded.

Speaker 2 And you're making fun of it already. Juice, am I closed-minded?

Speaker 3 If I said no, would you be open to that possibility?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 Then I think you're pretty open-minded.

Speaker 2 Right on.

Speaker 2 So, would you like some

Speaker 2 Ephora, please? I would like, I'm going to drink my own water. You drink yours.
You know what? My good old-fashioned Elvis. Elvis loved Mountain Valley.
That's why I like it.

Speaker 2 And I'll drink my Ephora because yours has full of nanos. You're telling me this has tons of nanos.
Yeah, yeah, nanobots in your body, dude. Okay.
Oh, it's a real classic.

Speaker 2 And you're being restructured now. Let me taste.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow, let me taste delicious.

Speaker 2 How is it?

Speaker 2 I'm restructured. Whoa.
Do you feel better? Did you see how

Speaker 2 did you just see that? I didn't do that.

Speaker 2 I didn't do that, dude. The water just did.

Speaker 2 Jesse, did you want to try?

Speaker 3 Oh, no, I think this is what I deserve. I'll just stick with the plastic.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what? I'll stick with my water, okay? So you think this is better? You really do think this is better. Well, look at how much is yours? The Mountain Valley.

Speaker 2 A couple bucks. Yeah.
A couple bucks. $30, dude.
That's a $30 bottle of water.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting. It's not.
But how does it taste? Does it taste better? Dude, I hate water usually. Really? Yeah, I want to keep drinking this, dude.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 If only they could flavor it like Diet Coke.

Speaker 2 Then it'd be really good water. You know, can I say something? What? And I don't want to offend Christians,

Speaker 2 but here I'm going to. Go ahead.
All right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jesus come.

Speaker 2 That's how good it is. That's how good that is.
Dude, if Jesus had come, dude. That's what it would be.

Speaker 2 No. You know how Jesus went? I would spend a hundred dollars on him.
You know how Jesus walked on water? You know how Jesus walked on water? Yes. Do you think this is the water he walked on?

Speaker 2 This is it. Oh, yeah.
This is Jesus' water. And the other dude that split it apart? Moses.
That's that water. Yeah.
Mountain. Part of the sea.
Well, I'd like you to see a video real fast.

Speaker 2 Let's show the boys, show everyone a little video here, Friend Studio, while you sip away. Okay.

Speaker 2 Did you notice any difference in your daughter? No. It tastes the same.
I mean, it's

Speaker 2 a little watery.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 I did taste weird, doesn't it?

Speaker 2 Did I just drink tap water then? You did that to the king? Wait, did I just drink tap water then?

Speaker 2 Where's my stuff?

Speaker 2 Where's my? I swear to God, I was. You know where it is? Yeah, where it is.
It's in my mouth. Is it belly water? It's right here? It's in there.

Speaker 2 How is that?

Speaker 2 Be honest. It tastes exactly like the water that I've.
No, it doesn't. It tastes the same as Mountain Valley.
Give me my water. No way.
Give me my. Look at that.
Okay. Can I say this?

Speaker 2 Can you believe it? Look at what the boys did. They poured you.
Let me say something right. That is bathroom tap water.

Speaker 2 Let me say something right now. Wow.
Let me say something right now. If I get cancer because of this, it's your fucking fault.
Look at him. Look at how meticulous.
He put the sticker back on.

Speaker 2 No, don't do that. We live here.

Speaker 2 That's insane. That's insane, dude.
Kick this away, dude. That's

Speaker 2 you. You know what? You like tricks?

Speaker 2 You like tricks?

Speaker 2 We're not going to play tricks. Okay.
All right. And I'm going to trick you one day.

Speaker 2 And it's going to be worse than that. I'll tell you that right now.
Give me your cup. I'll pour some of your delay.
That's okay. I don't even trust that anymore.
What do you mean? This is the $30 one.

Speaker 2 Oh, here, give me a little bit. They put it in here.
Give me some of that. Like we said in the last episode, this is like

Speaker 2 the Philippine licking woman. Yeah.
That's right.

Speaker 2 That's right. It's all in your mind.
See, it's all in your mind. So good.
It's all in your mind. So let me say something.
That was a good one. That was good.
And you tricked me. That's really good.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you, I'll tell you this, man.

Speaker 2 It's what a time to trick me because I had a terrible night last night. What happened? Are you trickable right now? I'm so trickable, dude.
Why?

Speaker 2 Well, last night, what was last night? What do you mean, what was last night? Last night was just a night. Halloween.
It was Halloween. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, it was.
Was it not? It was. It was.

Speaker 2 Last night was this is Halloween. Yes, it's tricks.
I love tricks, dude. Did you hand out any candy? No, I turned off all the lights.

Speaker 2 The front porch. Ooh, I like it.
So I pretend no one's there. Like a recluse.
Like a recluse, right? Nice. And I just look to see if there's any lights.
You know, some of this have candles.

Speaker 2 You know, the kids, you know what I mean? The kids with safety lights. Yeah.
None around. So I go, you know what? I'm going to sleep early tonight.
440 pieces of candy I handed out yesterday. 440.

Speaker 2 That's great. Yeah.
And I dressed up. Did a record? I dressed up like Ken.
No, the first year I think I lived in the neighborhood was the most. I dressed up like Ken.
We played music.

Speaker 2 We had a fog machine.

Speaker 2 We had a little dance party on the driveway. I had music bumping.
And one of the dads came up to me at the end of the night and said, Hey, thanks a lot for doing this. Really?

Speaker 2 And that's all that I wanted. Oh, God.
Yeah, because I think it's important for the kid, man. I don't live in a neighborhood that does that.
I'm not saying you. You live in the Hollywood Hills.

Speaker 2 You guys do. The hills, they don't do it in the hills.
The hills, they have eyes. They have deep, they're deep, steep, steeps.

Speaker 2 Yeah, by the way, that's where kids go to get kidnapped up in the Hollywood Hills. You're flatland.
I'm in the flats, kiddo. With the Mexicans.
Yes, that's exactly. Oh, shit, I shouldn't say that.

Speaker 2 My point is this.

Speaker 2 I would love to hand out candy, but they just never around well they all come to my hood they all come to my hood now so last night I go you know it's hung on with sleep early right I go to bed but I forget guess what I forget to masturbate no oh that's true

Speaker 2 oh my god

Speaker 2 how didn't you call that that is true that is true yeah he just knows no I told him earlier that's true what did you forget to do last night eat dinner oh no so you had to wake up in the middle of the night and eat something and no middle of the night four in the morning that's the middle of the night I go I go to bed at nine

Speaker 2 p.m yes That's impossible. I try.
You went to bed at 9 p.m. Yeah, I was that tired.
No fucking way. Were you sick? No.

Speaker 2 I would have gone to bed at 9 like a Christian.

Speaker 2 Hey, cross off. Because I don't do the Hollywood thing.
I'm more, I'm Christian on Halloween. Did you say a prayer before you go to sleep? I do, dear God.
Let's hear your little prayer.

Speaker 2 Dear God, amen.

Speaker 2 He fills in the middle.

Speaker 2 You gotta let him do it. I let him fill the middle, dude.
It's a blank check. Right, it's a blank check.
Well, you know, Jesus take the wheel. Jesus take over this prayer.
Yeah. Finish it for me.

Speaker 2 I should have filled it in because what he gave me was a stomachache.

Speaker 2 But go down.

Speaker 2 Four in the morning, I wake up.

Speaker 2 First, you know, Guner. Yeah, Guner Gunner.
You know who Guner is? Your dog. No, I have a cat named the orange cat, Gunner.
Yeah. At around four in the morning, if I don't put earplugs in, I hear

Speaker 2 so bad at sounds. It could be anything.
No, I'm taking shit. Dude, I'm the next fucking police academy award.
I'm Michael Winslow, dude.

Speaker 2 They hired me, dude. Let me hear you do a garbage truck.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Pretty good. Give me another one.
Give me another one. Let me hear you do something.
Oh, this one.

Speaker 2 What's that? You when you come. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How about this?

Speaker 2 You drink

Speaker 2 toilet water.

Speaker 2 You lifting up a lid and drinking toilet water.

Speaker 2 Bing, bing. Yes.
Yes, I get it.

Speaker 2 Thank you, so I'm good. You're very good.
Anyway, I hear

Speaker 2 right. It's Guna trying to get in my room.
Cat scratch fever. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Which I wake up and I go, oh, Guna's trying to get in. And also, I'm hungriest.
Why don't you just leave the door open?

Speaker 2 I can't. Why? Because I have zoomies.

Speaker 2 Because they run around the room. Yeah, cats at night, that's their time.
Yeah. So they just

Speaker 2 zoom

Speaker 2 all over the bed and stuff, right? What's the matter? Just like another case to not have cats. It's just like all the things.
It's fine. They poop inside.
They zoom in in the middle of the night.

Speaker 2 They scratch your door. They don't want to be pet.
You can't take them on a walk. They're no fun to play with.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so I wake up and I go, oh, fuck, I'm hungry. I'm not going to be able to go back to bed.
So I had one thing in the fridge, and guess what it was? Kimchi. I have that already.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's a given. I feel like.
What is it? Juice? Turk.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say tur turds. Turds.
You have packed turds again? There's two words. Tur and ch.

Speaker 2 Turd chips. Turkey chicken.
Turkey chicken. No.
Turkey chicken. Almost.
Turkey sausage. Turkey ch-turkey chips.
Oh, potato chips made.

Speaker 2 Turkey cheese? Chili. Turkey chili.

Speaker 2 Chili. Man, we were way off.

Speaker 2 Turkey chili. Turkey chili.
And I had one of those from Erwan. Yeah.
Another $50 box. Yeah, $50 of, but it's been there forever.

Speaker 3 How long do you think?

Speaker 2 It could be a year.

Speaker 2 A whole year. It could be, I don't know.
You had some bad chili. Dude.
I don't know. You're crazy.
I'm crazy. So I put it in a bowl.
I microwave it, right?

Speaker 2 And then I eat it all. I'm like, oh, I'm hungry still.
And I remember the other night, I got a big, gigantic pint of Dreyer's Rocky Road ice cream. Breyers or Dreyer's? B or D.
Big difference.

Speaker 2 Breyers?

Speaker 2 You choose. I don't know.
I think Breyers. I had myself some Jenny's before I came here.
Delicious. The best.
Yeah. But I'm lactose.
Anyway, I eat half of it. You think you're lactose intolerant?

Speaker 2 Or is it just because you eat eat stuff like a year-old turkey chit?

Speaker 2 You have a bad stomach. I don't know, dude.
And then I go, oh, I feel fine.

Speaker 2 So I go, you know what? I'm not sleepy yet. So I play maybe two hours of

Speaker 2 this game, Starfield. Okay.
But I lock the, so I lock them out. But that's cool because when I play Starfield, I have my headphones.
So I can't hear Gunner scratching. Right.

Speaker 2 And you're in the house alone. I'm so alone, dude.
That's a big house to be all alone. I'm so alone.
And then it started.

Speaker 2 The shits. The aches.
The shits. First ache.
The shits are here. The shits are here.
That's it. Coming out of your mouth and your ear.

Speaker 2 It was achy. Out of your mouth.

Speaker 2 Live in fear. But I didn't go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 I didn't go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 I went to bed.

Speaker 2 And that's when the trouble started.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're good at sound effects, too. Yeah, always have been.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Since you've met me.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You started drinking more toilet water?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 You know what that sounds like?

Speaker 2 A blue whale's breasts in the in the water. Have you ever seen a blue whale? Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 there we go. That's what it feels like.
That's what it sounds like to me.

Speaker 2 Am I dead on?

Speaker 2 So anyway, a blue whale strip club. But I could, I was

Speaker 2 what? Let me get the bit out.

Speaker 2 No, I was thinking that'd be a great strip. The blue whale? Just any whale

Speaker 2 stripping. Just a big, just a big wheel.
But how big? The blue whale's big, so the strip club's got to be.

Speaker 2 When they moan?

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, and do they like you know what they like? They don't like money whales, no. They like fish.
No.

Speaker 2 Whenever I go to a whale strip club,

Speaker 2 you got to bring plenty of plankton. Plankton.
Plankton.

Speaker 2 You got to dry it out, though, because it's hard to throw on stage when they're wet. But anyway, my point is.

Speaker 2 My point is, I only slept for like an hour, and then I had to get up early to go to my A meeting.

Speaker 2 And then I did a podcast with Logic, and I was in traffic because he was all the way in Pacific Palisades. And then I canceled my spot, and I got here, and I'm so tired.

Speaker 2 And I asked you if you have the energy to do this. I got it today.
Good. So I'm so glad that you have it.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, one of the weirdest costumes I saw last night, and I didn't get a photo of it because I felt like it would be weird to take a picture of somebody's kid.

Speaker 2 But we saw a lot of good ones. I saw a lot of good ones.
At the door. That came to my house.
Okay. And the funniest one by far.

Speaker 2 And it was mostly Mexican families that come to the hood. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was a girl.

Speaker 2 I'm not making this up. I swear to God.
Here we go. Something racist.
She was a washing machine. I swear to God of my life.
I was

Speaker 2 losing my shit. Yes.
I was dying. And on top of her, they built a box, like a, they used a cardboard box to make a washing machine.
Yeah. And on top of it was like wool light and bounce sheets.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. I swear to God.
And the middle moved. It was

Speaker 2 one of the coolest costumes I think I've ever seen. But also, it's like.
Would she just take it from work or something? Well, it's you write what you know, you live who you are.

Speaker 3 Did she have a dryer with her?

Speaker 2 No, her sister, her sister was

Speaker 2 her sister was

Speaker 2 a fence, and her dad kept leaping over her

Speaker 2 kid back and forth and back and forth. That's insane.
No, but really, the washing machine is not fake. That was actually a real costume, and it was like the best one of the night.

Speaker 2 So I gave her way more candy. You know what I don't do? If you come up with a shit costume, like especially when like a 14-year-old comes, you know, when the older ones come, you're getting one.

Speaker 2 Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.
You get one. You didn't put any effort into it.
Yeah. And you're too old.
When the kids come, little kids, they're getting handfuls.

Speaker 2 I literally go like this to the kids because they're so cute and sweet. But when a grown kid comes, they don't even say anything.
They just put the bag out. Fucking, you know what I gave them? What?

Speaker 2 Whoppers. Whoa.
The worst. Little Whoppers.
I know what a Whopper is. The worst candy.
That's a shit.

Speaker 2 I thought it was a hamburger. Yeah, I gave him hamburger.

Speaker 2 I handed him a full hamburger.

Speaker 2 Okay. But Whoppers were for the teenagers that didn't dress up.

Speaker 2 But the kids, you know what the kids got? What? They got the Reese's Snickers combo. Oh.
You know what I'm talking about? No.

Speaker 2 Dude, they make the peanut butter Snickers. Explain it to me.
Reese's makes peanut butter Snickers combo now. Okay, so let me, can I, let me ask a question then? Please, yeah.
Don't even Google it.

Speaker 2 Don't Google it because I wouldn't imagine it in my mind. Okay.

Speaker 2 So it's a round circle. It's an egg, oval like an egg.
What? Yeah, it's oval. Oval.
Oval. It's an oval like an egg.
Shaped like an egg then.

Speaker 2 It's not thick like an egg, but it's almost like flat, a flat oval. A flat egg.
Yeah. And so when I bite into it, instead of having a peanut buttery

Speaker 2 um nugget no no friend you do get a peanut buttery nugget

Speaker 2 but you also get caramel and cut and

Speaker 2 shit dude uh-huh so the good so the good kids yeah the cool kids that dressed up they're definitely getting one of those yeah plus a kit kat and they're also getting their little tiny uh little tiny red vines they got all the goods but if you were a teenager and you didn't dress up yeah you get a whopper get out of here it's so easy you can you know like i sometimes on halloween i do like two for one when I dress up.

Speaker 2 I could be one or the other. Right.
So sometimes I'm a ghost. Sometimes I'm a KKK member.
I get it. You know what I mean? And flip-flop.
I can flip-flop it. Or two.

Speaker 2 A ghost and a KKK member could be just a sperm. You kind of look like a sperm.
Well, that's true. It could be all the above.
You can be three things. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But we handed out a lot of candy. It was good to see.
I just, I loved it. I really do love it when the...

Speaker 2 But the guy that said thank you really meant a lot to me because we work hard to make it enjoyable for the kids

Speaker 2 because we've got a lot of Scrooge McDucks on the neighborhood. There's no way it's as good as

Speaker 2 anyway. There's no way as what?

Speaker 2 I didn't hear it. There's no way it's as good as what? I mean, you just claim to think that you have the best Halloween houses.
Ours was one of the best for sure.

Speaker 2 There's no way.

Speaker 2 First of all, there is music. There's fog.
There's graveyards. That's what they're saying.
There's bones all over the place. There's witches that are hanging around.
Dude, we go to the...

Speaker 2 Because I was at your house weeks ago, and there was nothing there like that. Yeah, weeks ago, we weren't prepared.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 I don't want to challenge you. I just...

Speaker 2 You don't do anything. So who are you to talk? You turn the lights out.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying that you could just say you have all these things, but I just, there's, when I was there, there was no proof of it. You weren't there on Halloween.

Speaker 2 You weren't there on Halloween. Like all getting ready to get that going.
There's no fog machine. You weren't there.

Speaker 2 There's a fog machine on the night. Look what I did.
You know what I mean? It's like nothing. As far as I'm concerned.
You weren't there. And what did you do? Nothing.
Yeah. But I admit it.

Speaker 2 I don't go, hey, you guys, I had a fucking hound in a house. I had fucking a gargoyle and all that stuff.

Speaker 2 If you did, you would, you fuckhead. I put it together.
So yeah, that's what what I'm saying. I got the best in the neighborhood.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 You're just angry because you don't have the fucking guts to do it. To go out on an emotional limb.
I don't have kids that come to my fucking house over the hills.

Speaker 2 And that's exactly who you are. You know? A fancy.
Steve Carell in the next limb. Fancy rich guy.
I look at Steve Carell's house. They don't have nothing like that.

Speaker 3 All he had in his house was old chili, turkey chili. He'd be scooping it into kids' bags.

Speaker 3 It's a blessing, he's scared.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. You want old Air One turkey chili, dude? I started the documentary about Mr.
Chow. I don't know if you know his story.

Speaker 2 Maybe one of the saddest stories I've ever heard in my life. He's still alive.
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 His story is insanely sad, I'm telling you. Oh, let me say guess.
Go ahead. He was Chinese.
Correct. He's Chinese.
Came here. Yeah.
Oh, I have no money. I make wonton.
And became famous?

Speaker 2 Not even close. Okay, tell me.

Speaker 2 His.

Speaker 2 Spoiler alert for the Mr. Chow documentary on HBO, but it's pretty incredible.
This guy got shipped away to boarding school when he was a kid.

Speaker 2 His dad was like a famous, a famous theater actor, stage actor. Pretty rare for the times.

Speaker 2 Chao Young Fat? Chao Young-son. Chao Young Skin, Ni.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Yeah, his brother brought him.
Big fan of his movies.

Speaker 2 And then they, and then his sister wanted to be an actor, and it was so just as rare for the time, especially for Chinese people, because you know the roles. You talk about it in your stand-up act.

Speaker 2 You know, racist Hollywood. Every role was like, oh, I do darangri.
You know, like, that was every role he ever got.

Speaker 2 And so when he moved to London

Speaker 2 and was started to get in film, was in popular films as he grew. He hadn't seen his mother forever, couldn't see his mom because his mom was back in China.

Speaker 2 And anybody at the time that went against the Chinese government. I thought you were going to say because his eyes were so slanty.
Well, that's true. And anybody back

Speaker 2 against the Chinese government was blacklisted and killed. So both of his parents.
Really? His parents were murdered. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You knew who also was murdered? Brandon Lee.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bruce Lee's son. Yeah.
Well, that was on accident. No.

Speaker 2 It was on accident. No idea.
You think that had a tie to Rust and that whole thing?

Speaker 2 No. You think that was a reprise of of uh brandon lee rust simon chow you know who he is mm-hmm he was a producer of um

Speaker 2 bruce lee movies back in the day and there's a there's a conspiracy theory that he had his that he had brandon lee killed kill killed and the sister's been in hiding

Speaker 2 because maybe she's next anyway let's move on chow's parents were murdered yeah

Speaker 2 amazing oh man sad so sad then his then his wife because of the shock of the murder of his parents him and his wife start to disconnect Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she goes, steps out in the marriage. And when she comes back,

Speaker 2 she's dying of AIDS.

Speaker 2 Insane. Don't be lit, Dyke.
That's 100% the truth. His wife died of fucking AIDS

Speaker 2 after she stepped out of the marriage because he was disappearing because he couldn't deal with the loss of his parents.

Speaker 2 So then he moved and started to really do the restaurant here in LA. Because it started in.
Wow, I want to watch the documentary. It's crazy.
Dude, it's an insane.

Speaker 2 Because I ran into him one time at the store. And I'm not lying.
I knew who he was. He was in the Mitzi's bucket seat.
I don't know how he got there, but in the bucket seat? Probably because it's Mr.

Speaker 2 Chow. He has Mr.
Chow. I get it.
He grabs me. He goes,

Speaker 2 kicks me outside and he goes, come to my wedding. I go, went, Tomado.

Speaker 2 I go, Tomado, I don't fucking know you. Got to go to his wedding.
I never went. Should have gone.
And I have a photo on my Instagram if you no one believes me. That was that night.
Of Mr. Chow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 Mr. Chow.
Have you been there?

Speaker 3 No, I've never been there, but I've seen that picture of you with him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What's your favorite Chinese dish?

Speaker 3 It's, I do.

Speaker 3 Kung Pao chicken, uh, orange chicken, and I know it's like whatever, but fried rice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's great. Fried rice?

Speaker 3 I know you were going to give me shit about that, but I love it.

Speaker 2 What did you want to say? Fried rice? Peking duck. No, no, Peking duck.
What did you want her to say? There's a beef and broccoli, Mongolian beef. You know what I mean? There's what?

Speaker 2 Aren't these all the white ones anyway? Aren't these because of us? No. When you go to China, they eat that.
No, this is all white people shit. My favorite is

Speaker 2 because it's got a little bit of your people in it. Guess what it is?

Speaker 2 Hmm.

Speaker 2 Oh, Fuevos Francheros.

Speaker 2 Mushu pork.

Speaker 2 That's it, yeah.

Speaker 2 That was good.

Speaker 2 What is it? Mushu pork? That's it. Yeah, mushu pork.
Why, why, why, why? Because it's kind of like a taco. A burrito.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Do you like it? Of course.
And that's the only time I like plum sauce is in mushroom pork. I don't don't like it in any other area.
Well, now that we're stuck on some Asian stuff.

Speaker 2 Tell me about everything.

Speaker 2 I want to play you something, and I want you to close your eyes for a second. Oh, is it Asian music? I love it.
It is Asian music. Okay, go ahead.
I'll tell you what it is.

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You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
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Speaker 2 Black turns to gray, another hair changes shade to rainy clouds. I'm proud of what we

Speaker 2 did allowed me to fly an eagle away from nest. I did my best to grow.
There's nothing to owe. Your strength that shows

Speaker 2 you not here for.

Speaker 2 I knew it is. My brother.
Yeah. Who's it about? My mom.
It's a good song. It's a great song.
He goes, he's probably going to cry. It was great.
I saw you almost cry a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Great song. That's off.
Stevie Reeby's new album. He sent it to me today.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And pretty beautiful relationship I have with the Lee family that he would send it to me and not you to promote on the show. Can you show this out to Bobby on Bad Friends?

Speaker 2 He can't text you, but he'll text me. But his new album is available.
Oh, it's really good. And it's on what? It's on

Speaker 2 Spotify. No.
What's it called? Bandcamp. Bandcamp.
It's on Bandcamp. And the link will be in the description for all the fans.
Please support our Lee family. It's actually some bangers on there.

Speaker 2 What's that track called again? It's for his mom. It's called Oma.

Speaker 2 Which is a soup. So, Mama's soup.
Yeah, yeah. Basically.
Oh, that's pretty awesome.

Speaker 3 That's so awesome. I remember talking to him almost a year ago, and he wanted to make more music and get back into it.
And so now to see his whole album's out, it's really cool.

Speaker 2 There's Stebby Weeby Lee. That's Bobby's brother's new music, new album out.
Go check it out on band camp. Very good.
Isn't that nice?

Speaker 2 Did you connect with your brother a little bit through music, huh? You don't talk, do you talk to him about this stuff ever?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, him and I,

Speaker 2 you know, we're both musically inclined. My brother took a different direction musically.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, like he had more of hip-hop vibe? Yeah, more hip-hop vibe.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, I didn't grow up with, he, for some reason, in his class, he hung out with a lot of black dudes but my class we didn't have any oh they weren't accepted by you and your no we had one guy i forget his name i think it was steve havey or something not harvey not steve harvey steve harvey i gotta tell you that guy's doing well

Speaker 2 i forgot this guy's name show me powwey but he's he stole i remember he stole my he-man

Speaker 2 he never gets that to be a black guy stealing something story why you couldn't no i know that's my thing that's the only story you remember from him Yeah, he stole my He-Mans.

Speaker 2 Multiple? You had multiple He-Man? Well, I had Skeletor, He-Man, all the other characters. Well, you were probably a little rich, little Brad.
I would have stole from you, too.

Speaker 2 And he wouldn't give them back. I'm like, come on, Steve Harvey.
I forgot his name. He had a little mustache back now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But my point is, and then my brother had, you know, a crew and they listened to hip-hop.

Speaker 2 And the only influence I had was my cousin Paul would tell me about the Velvet Underground and other bands, you know what I mean? And so that's my influence.

Speaker 2 But I wish I had more of a hip-hop vibe, but... you know, I don't.
Oh, it's okay. And I apologize.
Have you checked in on your mom since we've done the therapy sessions, by the way?

Speaker 2 We text every night, so I haven't called her physically now. Is she still going? Yeah.
Is she happy with it?

Speaker 2 I haven't gotten the details, but she still likes it, she said. That's great.
I don't want to dive into it because I don't want to get involved.

Speaker 2 The results aren't

Speaker 2 up to me. No, I understand.
I'm just saying. But it's good to know if she's happy going.
If she goes and she likes it, God bless. God bless.
But, you know, the results aren't up to me. And so I'll.

Speaker 2 Just like your addiction, you have to let it's not up to you, right? And my career.

Speaker 2 It's not up to you. It isn't up to me.
You just try your best and see what unfolds. And guess what, guys? It's unfolded very good, my life.
Very well. At 52 years old,

Speaker 2 to just see, you know, Monday night, I went to dinner with a bunch of Korean actors and stuff. Yeah.
They were on fire.

Speaker 2 What? Physically?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I was like putting water on their legs. That's a weird dinner.

Speaker 2 What? Protesting? They were protesting. Oh, wow.
Yeah. Well, yeah, just like in the Vietnam War, those monks, yeah, they were at dinner and they just lit themselves on fire.

Speaker 2 I'm like, a little dinner party. Yeah, and there was no point of it.
I'm like, what do you, what's the cause? Like, we don't know. You're like, I'll get the check.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 These guys are just literally on fire. I go, just get in the heat.
But my point is, is that so I was with some at dinner with a bunch of young Asians in the business. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they're all like talking about their deals. You know, and all the great things that are happening in their lives.
And, you know, and I, for once in my life, went,

Speaker 2 I hope you guys die. No, no, for once in my life, I was like,

Speaker 2 God, I'm just so proud. Do they have a

Speaker 2 group? They don't have that. They don't have a gold plaque from YouTube? No, they have Oscar.
But my point is, no, they don't have nobody there has an Oscar. I know they don't.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But my, but they, um, you know, they're doing their own thing. And I'm like, you know, I'm just kind of watching.
Because, you know, when I started, there was no opportunity. It was so fucking hard.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 But, you know, with them. And And it was so easy for me.
That was the difference, I think. It was a cakewalk for everybody else.
I'm not doing that right now, Dick. No, don't roll your fucking eyes.

Speaker 2 You know who used to do that?

Speaker 2 Mr. Ferguson used to do that.
My fucking biology teacher.

Speaker 2 Every time he would ask me a question in fucking high school, and I didn't know, I never knew that. He would just roll his eyes.

Speaker 2 You asked a question and he would always, because I was always doing something. Stupid.
Well, I don't know, but he'd be just like, Mr. Lee, you know what I mean? What is the, you know,

Speaker 2 that mineral sign or whatever it is. The mineral sign or for a.
I could see why he rolled his eyes,

Speaker 2 right? I'd be like, I don't know, man. You mean the metrics?

Speaker 2 He's like, what are you talking about? Metrics. It's not math.
I go, you know, but the square. Yeah.
You know what I mean? He's like, it's a pie, the pie. The pie square.
Yeah. And he's like, no.

Speaker 2 Anyway, he'd roll his eyes. And I used to go, you piece of shit, dude.
Look at him now. Where is he? Is he dead? I don't know.
Shout out to Mr. Ferguson.

Speaker 2 When I get out of here, I mean, I want to find you, dog.

Speaker 2 I'm going to gouge those eyes out with a fucking skillet. Tough guy.
Yeah. I like this.
I know what a skillet is not bad. Yeah, skillets for cooking.

Speaker 2 You know how hard it would to cut someone's eyes out with a skillet. I know, but it'd be painful

Speaker 2 for both of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so don't roll your eyes at me.
That's my thing. Don't do it.

Speaker 2 I'll roll my eyes at you. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Watch, watch. Halloween decoration.

Speaker 2 A couple of cobwebs.

Speaker 2 How does it feel, man?

Speaker 2 I think your insecurity bleeds. Lopper.
Yeah, it's sad. Blopper is so sad.
It's what you're doing. Your little house.
Anyway, I was so grateful. Your turkey chili.

Speaker 2 The fat, sad boot on the stairs.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, dude.
Okay. Yeah.
All right. Fucking bitch.
Fucking bitch, dude. Fucking bitch ass.
Love Love you though, man. Love you, dog.
It's so fun.

Speaker 2 So fun on the road. You know, fun.
It has been real. We've had some really fun times on the road.

Speaker 2 What was the last place we played? We played. Denver.
Great, great. And then we got Chicago, Milwaukee, and Madison and Minneapolis.
Don't we're great when we're done.

Speaker 2 We're going to the coldest places in the cold in the worst time. Yeah.
Although, you know, you're going to meet Dan.

Speaker 2 Dan rather from CBS News? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How do you know him?

Speaker 2 We follow each other on Etsy.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're like Theo Vaughn today. No, I'm not.
You're like taking things somewhere else that don't belong together. No, no, we both create things on Etsy.
We trade.

Speaker 2 Oh, you follow each other on Etsy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you make on Etsy? Mittens.
You're a mitten guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mitten bamboo. So no fingers, mittens.
They're so stiff, though. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so not warm. Yeah.
And don't wear them around pandas.

Speaker 2 What does he make, Dan Rather, on Etsy? Oh, he makes these.

Speaker 2 So you know how he loves to talk on the mic? Yeah. He makes it it out of,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 linen. Good, you got it.
Yeah, yeah. Linen swabs.
He makes linen microphones. Yeah.
And you know the tips of the Q-tip? Do I?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Cotton? That's not really cotton.
Is it not? No. What's on the tip of a Q-tip?

Speaker 2 Q.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's just a bunch of Q. Yeah.
What do you mean, the tip?

Speaker 2 Dude, the tip of its Q. So that's a bunch of Q woven up? Yeah, man.
Oh, wow. You don't know the difference between Q and Cotton did?

Speaker 2 What is it? Well, I don't know. And that's why it's like mysterious.

Speaker 2 It's like Q, like in Star Trek, Next Generation, there was a character named Q, and he was like, sort of like this character that he was sort of like God.

Speaker 2 He came in and out, but no one could really describe what he was. That's a Q-tip.
So that's what the Q-tip. So the Q-Tip is named after the Q from.
Q is a mystery.

Speaker 2 You know, first of all, isn't that a mystery letter? Q? Yeah. Why? There's not a lot of words with Q in it.

Speaker 3 No, he's saying Y is a mystery letter.

Speaker 2 He's saying Y is a mystery letter. That's another mystery.
There's two of them. How many words start with the letter Q?

Speaker 3 Question, quail,

Speaker 2 queen, quince,

Speaker 2 quagmire, queef, queen. 975 words start with the letter Q.
That's not good. Quadruple.
Now, now, quaff, queen. How many words start with B?

Speaker 2 LS.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 That can't be right.

Speaker 2 How many words?

Speaker 2 Words start with B? How does it say? It's pretty interesting. In the English, yeah.
Yeah, 890. Less words start with B than Q.
We learned something. That's no way, dude.
Pretty impressive.

Speaker 2 There probably isn't a lot of words that start with what I think it starts with. Well, how many? Yeah.
What do you think? What letter has the most.

Speaker 2 Let me see if we can get 20. I can't even think of 20 words that start with B.
20 words?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, you know it. B?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'd have to think, though.
Let's do it right now. Ready? You go one, I go one, you go one.
Oh, and whoever stops? Yeah. Okay.
Go. Buffoon.
Bombastic. Burrito.
Bouquet. Below.
Beef. Bark.
Bussy.

Speaker 2 Bussy. Yeah, a bussy.
That's a new term that's in the dictionary now. Okay.
Yeah, it's a male pussy. Yeah.
Really? You don't know about this? We can do urban stuff? Why couldn't we?

Speaker 2 We have an urban audience, don't we? Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Balls. Booyah.
Black.

Speaker 2 Bounce. Barcuda.

Speaker 2 Barracuda is good. Isn't Barracuda one? Yeah, Barracuda's good.
It's a fish, right? It is a fish. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Beacon. Bamboozle.
Banshee.

Speaker 2 Bowdry. Bent.
Black. I said black.
You did? Bruise. Block.
Bruise. Block then.
Blot.

Speaker 2 Are we going this way now? Here you go. Go.
Blah. What? Blah.
Blah? Blah. B-L-A-H.

Speaker 2 Blood. Oh, blood? Blot? Blah? What are you saying? Forget it.
Blah. Forget it.
Forget this game, man. We're going forever.
We did it. We did it to it.
We did it.

Speaker 3 We did more damage. That was at least 898.

Speaker 2 Now let's see if we can do Q, because Q technically has more. I can't do it.
Let's do it. I know three.
Go. Queen.
You already said it. Quail.

Speaker 2 Quagmire. Question.
Quince.

Speaker 3 Q tip.

Speaker 2 Qualify.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I got no one. Queen Quandry.
I have no idea. Quantify.
Quantify. Quality.

Speaker 2 Question.

Speaker 3 Quaint.

Speaker 2 Quaint.

Speaker 2 Quick.

Speaker 2 Quack!

Speaker 2 Quill. Oh!

Speaker 2 Quit.

Speaker 2 Oh!

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. I'm out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we know a guy who met somebody on a set. Yeah.
And way above... You know, I mean, his pay grade.
She's the most famous person I think we

Speaker 2 anyone knows. Yeah, she's.

Speaker 2 And, you know, you know, this is when he was single.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a long long long time ago and she would live by the up on the hills well multiple houses but yeah yeah yeah and he and late at night we would see him walk down the hill uh-huh right with his face just

Speaker 2 just with just just a fucking pussified puss puss juice pussified famous celebrity puss juice all over his face and he confused he looked confused yeah and gratified happy happy i remember the night we took we took a walk and talked we smoked a joint in my neighborhood and he told me about who it was.

Speaker 2 And it did make me think for a second, are all my friends going to date famous people? All right. Like, it made me go, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is that a normal thing? Can you do that? Yeah. That's what I do.
And you never think you can do that. I thought that was.
But you can do it if they let you. You can.

Speaker 2 They never let me.

Speaker 2 I think you could. Well, I never got like, you know, I had dinner with Kate Blanchett once.
I never got the vibe. Kate Blanchett went to dinner with you? Yeah.
On a date?

Speaker 2 On a movie. When I did a a movie.
Oh, you were shooting a film? Yeah, and at night, she was like, well, let's go take the whole cast out to dinner. And I sat next to her at dinner.

Speaker 2 But you were there with like 20 other people. Yeah, Jamie Lee Curtis, all these people were there.
That's not the same thing.

Speaker 2 And I was sitting there, and in my mind, I'm like, if she did, I would do it. If she made a move.
Yeah, yeah. If Kate Blanchette made a move, what's your move? Look at it.
I'm Kate Blanchette.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, please. Bring me a photo of her so I can play her, please.
Just so I can get in character. No,

Speaker 2 I don't want to get in trouble here. She's British, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She's the nicest person I ever met.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's dead on.

Speaker 2 What will you be ordering? Me? Well, you know, I'm sober, so I'll get a Diet Coke.

Speaker 2 Okay, Diet Coke for the little one.

Speaker 2 Well, what would you be having?

Speaker 2 I'll have a gin and tonic. Oh, that's nice.
A good choice.

Speaker 2 Do you mind if I drink in front of you? I don't mind at all. Do you mind if I have a drink while you're licking my toes later?

Speaker 2 I'm hitting you, Robert. Here? Under the table, you go.
I would do it. You'd go right under the table.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If she said right in front of all those people, you go.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why would you? You can't say no. It's, you know, improv.
Always agree.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, you did, have you done movies with, before you were married, with famous people?

Speaker 2 When you were single out. No, I still don't do movies with famous people.
Kevin Hart's not famous? No, but that's now. That was only a couple of years ago.
No, I never got a big movie.

Speaker 2 I never got to do anything with the only people that I got to work with. Who's the biggest actor you've worked with? In my life? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you just did John Cena. Tom Arnold.

Speaker 2 That's not even fucking... I've done Tom Arnold.
Tom Arnold. I've done Tom Arnold.

Speaker 2 Who's the biggest I ever worked with? Melissa Leo when I did. I mean, she's an

Speaker 2 Oscar man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Huge. And she wouldn't

Speaker 2 not hook up with me.

Speaker 3 Mark Wahlberg.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Wait, what?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I was in the wardrobe department on Transformers 5, and I delivered him his shoe inserts.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Was he nice? How big are they? Really nice.

Speaker 3 How big are they? They were like, not like padding, but just like comforts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you were the 10th person to give him one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right. They were stacking him up.

Speaker 3 I didn't want to say it because I was like kind of shy about that. Yeah, yeah.
He was really nice. He came out of his trailer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if Mark Wahlberg, you know what I mean, hit on you, would you? Yeah, yeah. Even now.

Speaker 3 Well, wait, why do you say even now?

Speaker 2 No, he's older. I mean, I don't know.
Older?

Speaker 2 He's one of those like ageless holidays.

Speaker 2 All right, so if Mark Wahlberg called you out the blue he's looking and he goes hey baby let me take you on a date with you would go on a date with him yeah i would love to go on a date with mark and if he tried to why has he said something

Speaker 2 you would make out and all that stuff with him maybe i mean i would like i mean he's still a person i'd want to get to know him probably what if he but i'd still want to see what if what if he was like you know i want to take you on a date but uh just let you know like i gotta fuck on the first date and it's only anal what would you say oh man you don't do anal first date no but it's marks i mean it's me it's mocky mock like yeah yeah yeah you know

Speaker 2 gotta let me do it baby girl You gotta let me do it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gotta fuck on a first date and I gotta get the ass.

Speaker 3 Is it your ass or my ass?

Speaker 2 Both.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'll be.

Speaker 2 I got a happening post. I'll post.
I'll sign it for you. You never heard of the Wahlberg way?

Speaker 3 Okay, happening post.

Speaker 2 You want free hamburger for my family's family?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and free Wahlberg's for life.

Speaker 2 And you get free Walburgers for life. Yeah, yeah.
It's a good deal. Send me over.
Let's do this thing. It was me.
No, I worked with him. That was me, him, and Kevin Hart.

Speaker 2 I wonder if there's a star that hit on me and I would just go, I just can't. Like a star, like a hot starlet.
Margot Robbie. No, Margot Robbie.
You would say no to Margot Robbie. Too hot.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, too hot? Dude, she's, it would be like, did you get what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would be there and I'd be like, I'd look down, because that's what you do. Like in a war, right? In a war, right? Back in the day when they had muskets and the war's starting, right?

Speaker 2 And you have your musket, right? And you have to look down to see if all the stuff is in there. You don't really.
Yeah, but I would. Okay.

Speaker 2 Immediately dead. No, no, no how did how did private lee die didn't light it shot himself in the fucking head

Speaker 2 then he would look down the barrel no no no i would see if everything's in like so i would look at my dick and go is everything there is if i said if the sack there is a sack there i think if margo robbie was with you you'd be just fine

Speaker 2 saying you don't want to get with margo robbie if she doesn't kiss then no if she doesn't kiss you are insane crazy no i i can't get i you know my thing i know i can't get hard period No, I can.

Speaker 2 Unless I know that they like me. Blue chew.
No. Right.
And so the way I know that a woman likes me, if they make out. So if she, and I can feel during the make out section that they like me.
Right.

Speaker 2 Right. So then I go, okay, I'm in.
But if I'm in a situation where they don't like me, I can't get aroused. How many girls have you slept with that don't like you?

Speaker 3 Careful.

Speaker 2 None. So what do you mean?

Speaker 2 But I've been in situations where one time,

Speaker 2 okay, one time I did this comedy club. I can't name the guy.
Okay. But I guess I, you know, he go, I show up at this town.
He goes, I got you a woman. Got you a woman.
And I go, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, was this 1966? Yeah, and I go, what do you mean? He's like, a woman of the night. I go, who told you that I need this? Carlos.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I walked into the hotel room.

Speaker 2 There was a woman in my hotel room. Just sitting on the bed.
Yeah, and she goes, hi, so-and-so.

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah, get out. I can't do it.

Speaker 2 You didn't even ask her what they paid for? No, I just can you imagine if you got like a discount package? She's like, Hi, I can jerk you off, but it's with my feet.

Speaker 2 There's a girl in West Hollywood who does that just for their, of course, you know the girl. She just feet because she doesn't want to touch.

Speaker 2 I just need somebody to like, I have to know that they like me before I do it.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something: saying no that you wouldn't want to go on a date with Margot Robbie because she's too hot is like saying, I don't want to ride down a mountain on skis because it's over at some point.

Speaker 2 It's like, who the fuck cares? Yes, it's a quick ride. Margo Robbie.

Speaker 2 What if they don't want to go to the mountain? Down to the the mountain on skis. No, she's letting you ride down the mountain, but you're like, it's going to be over at some point.

Speaker 2 But what if you don't like skiing? Then you don't like Margo Robbie. Bingo.
Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would you? I'll take a date with Margot Robbie. You're right, I would go.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would go.

Speaker 2 I would try. If I didn't try, I wouldn't know.
Yeah. Right? So it's like, you know,

Speaker 2 I would go in. And she goes, no, no, just eat my pussy.

Speaker 2 I'd just be like, okay.

Speaker 2 And then make, and then kicks you out. And then the moment you're done, she goes, get out.
There's a newborn bird outside. Get the fuck out.
I'm making. I don't get to come.
What? Gross.

Speaker 2 Yuck, get out. Oh, I wouldn't ask her that.
It would just be an internal dialogue. No, I know.
But she heard you say it inside. She's that good.

Speaker 2 My favorite one.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Does that.

Speaker 2 So I go.

Speaker 2 And then she goes, get out. Get out.
Are you, what are you insane? And by the way, and then tomorrow, you're going to call her anyway. Right.
Margo, I had a great time. Yeah, I know you did loser.

Speaker 2 When can I do it again? Whenever the fuck I want, I'll call you later. Okay, whenever I'll be here.
I'm at 24-7.

Speaker 2 Call me anytime. Viator.
Guess what? Yep. You went to Bora Bora.

Speaker 2 What did I do? For my little birthday, Bobby got me a little excursion with ATVs. And man, what a nice little journey.
A guided tour. From Viator, dude.
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Not only do I've been using Dr. Squatch for years, and they have the best smells.

Speaker 2 It's also sometimes

Speaker 2 when you get a soap like a national brand, you don't feel like it's doing anything to your body. It doesn't.
It's kind of gliding across your skin. Right, but Dr.

Speaker 2 Squatch, you actually feel like you're cleaning stuff. Yeah, it gets in there, baby.
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Speaker 2 this has got to be a deal of a lifetime. I love the pine car soap.

Speaker 2 Dude, I look like

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And cool, fresh aloe soap. Ooh, baby, what do you smell like there?

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Speaker 2 If a genie granted you one wish, what would it be? Oh, yeah, I'm

Speaker 2 where do you find the G, where do you find the bottle? Where do we find the genie bottle? Yeah,

Speaker 2 on a beach or at the desert. Erwan.

Speaker 3 Erewhon.

Speaker 2 Do they sell genie lamps?

Speaker 2 Or I'm at Erewhon. Yeah.
How much do you think a wish would cost?

Speaker 3 Probably like $100

Speaker 2 per wish? It'd be like $100,000 at Erewhon. Yeah, at Erewhon.

Speaker 2 If you got one wish, literally, that would cost probably $25 million. It's interesting.

Speaker 2 Does the genie, does the genie and its lamp and its wish giveth, does that come from where it's located, like where the lamp is found? Like, if you find it in Beverly Hills,

Speaker 2 is he like a fancy-looking genie that gives you like unlimited wishes? But if you find one in like, you know, Torrance, is he like, dude, you get a half a wish? I got a, I got a woman. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I got mine at Ralph's.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If you have a lamp that you you find at Vaughn's.
What's a half-wish? Half-wish, right?

Speaker 2 Only some of it's going to come true. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The genie's kind of lazy.

Speaker 2 My one wish.

Speaker 2 My one wish would be

Speaker 2 for bad friends to last forever.

Speaker 2 For me and Andrew to live forever. For you and I to live forever? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow, dude, can you imagine the apocalypse? Everyone's gone. Everything doesn't exist except for you and I.
But then you have a wish and you can make that better.

Speaker 2 You could double down on our wish. Wait, imagine, though, I had the same wish, and the genie's like, you fucking idiots, you both wished for the same thing.
So we just live together.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I'd be mad. I'd go, no, pussy, dude.
No, dude, I got that. Yeah, so what? I thought you did that.

Speaker 3 That's my first wish.

Speaker 2 No, if we ever get a fucking wish, all right? Okay, let's. I'm going to go, me and Andrew, live forever.
Yeah. And your wish would be that we live forever.
No! Oh, I fucked it up. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That we get a woolly, like our, our, our, our, I get it. The love of our lives would live forever, too.
You do a wish, I'll do one. Ready? Go.
All right. Genie.
May I call call you Genie?

Speaker 3 Yes, you may.

Speaker 2 You're

Speaker 2 sorry, my eyes are.

Speaker 3 I'm a lady genie. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, my bad. This genie looks a lot different than I thought genie's would look like.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, I'm, you know, I'm magic, so I can transform. Cool.

Speaker 2 So, anyway, my one wish is for me and Andrew to live forever.

Speaker 3 Which, Andrew?

Speaker 2 Sentinel. Okay.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the one I do the podcast with. Yeah, you know.
Do I get a wish, genie?

Speaker 3 Okay, you guys live forever. What's your

Speaker 2 wish?

Speaker 2 Andrew, think about it.

Speaker 2 I got got it my wish is that me and my best friend bobbily live forever what okay it's not what see you guys later by it we're doing it no dude i take it back wait so if you're the last ones on earth you guys are fucking right

Speaker 2 wish you were so old at that point wish granted no because there's still gonna be sex that was my secret wish you didn't know no you know what i would go I go, hey, let's get this motorcycle because we'd have motorcycles.

Speaker 2 Of course, we have motorcycles. Right.

Speaker 2 How do we not? We got to go to San Marcos. You know what's at San Marcos? What? You don't know what's at San Marcos? San Marcos, San Diego.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The real doll factory.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Think about it. Just two best friends going to the door.
Going to the real doll factory. Sex doll factory.
And we go in there and we can put the parts. But you know what will happen? What?

Speaker 2 We'll use them all. We'll never clean them.
And then we'll run out. No, we live there.
And we got to go find another sex doll factory. This is a movie.
Two best.

Speaker 2 This is like our Harold and Kumar. They're trying to go to White Castle.
We just are trying to go get sex toys. So we're traveling the country going from sex toy factory to sex toy factory.

Speaker 2 We use them once, we throw them away, and then we got to go find a new one. Well, I'm sure there's about 500 of them.
Well, then let's get started. And they're not one-use things.

Speaker 2 You can use probably one for a year. It's actually a good movie.
Two best friends set out to go because of the apocalypse.

Speaker 2 Instead of going to get like food or rations, they want to go to the ultimate sex toy factory to have sex with the most realistic doll that's just been imported from Japan. Yeah.
Basically a human.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it's a journey.
That's our Haledon Kumar. That's funny.

Speaker 2 And when we get there, what happens? They become real in a weird way. They kill us.
Yeah, they kill us. For sure.
They're hunting us and killing us.

Speaker 2 They're the reasons why there is no more people in the world because they're aliens. Everyone's been getting killed by sex dolls, which are inhabited by aliens.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If we're the last people on Earth,

Speaker 2 once we went to the sex place story, I get a bunch of real dolls. I know we're joking about this, but I do.
Where would you go? I do think this is coming soon. Where would you want to go?

Speaker 2 The end of the world. Where would I go? What? Like, if you and I are the only ones on earth, and I'm like, we got to go to San Marcos, and you probably go, all right, let's go.
I go for you, yeah.

Speaker 2 But then, what, where would you want to go after that?

Speaker 2 That's so fun. Yeah.
Where's my place to go to? Yeah. I'll go anywhere.

Speaker 2 I'd want you to drive across the country with me to Augusta National to go play probably the most coveted golf course in the world.

Speaker 3 Wait, how long?

Speaker 3 Go ahead. How long do you think gasoline would be like available?

Speaker 2 There's so plenty of so much of it.

Speaker 3 For just two people.

Speaker 2 We'd never run out. Never run out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know how you you use generators, do you? Yeah, what do you mean? Please. But we need gasoline for a generator.

Speaker 2 No, but I know there's going to be gas around, but I don't know how any of it works. I got you, baby.
That's why you

Speaker 2 lighting?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? How did we light up a place?

Speaker 3 Electricity, he means.

Speaker 2 Yes. Well,

Speaker 2 the grid will be down, so we'll have to use candles at night. Or generators.
You know, Jenny's with a big light that's heavy. We might as well just use candles.
And loud. They're really loud.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, right. And then here's what we'll do.
Every house we stay in, when we're done, we'll just burn it to to the ground. That's awesome.
Oh, that's fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, and can I ask you this? Like, we'll stay in LeBron James' house.
Can we have like a million dogs? We'll have, well, first of all, they'll be following us.

Speaker 2 We'll be the only ones finding food. We'll naturally just wire that.
That would happen, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You would have like hundreds of dogs following around.

Speaker 2 No cats, though. One.
How? They'll never stay with us. We're on the move.
You don't know some of them. How are we going to carry these dogs? Are we going to put them in a semi?

Speaker 2 We got to get a semi-truck and back up with dogs. Here's what we do then.
And I'm being real. Okay.
No, I'm being real. So am I.

Speaker 2 We have to find one place to stay. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll stay there.
We'll stay in the greatest place on earth. Where? Austin, Texas.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The center of the universe.
We'll go to Joe's house.

Speaker 3 No, a different Joe.

Speaker 3 Joe Biden.

Speaker 2 Oh, the White House.

Speaker 3 Yes. You guys got it at least one night.

Speaker 2 The White House. And we'll paint it yellow.
Yes.

Speaker 2 We're going to own the White House. We're going to live in the White House.
That's what we're going to do. Okay, anyway.

Speaker 2 Wherever we go, right?

Speaker 2 We keep the dogs there. I'll stay there with them.
Fine, and I'll go on a journey. And you got to go to San Marcos, get me this sex doll.
Oh my God.

Speaker 2 If you bring back, like, you know,

Speaker 2 the good kind. You know what's going to end up happening.

Speaker 3 I do.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 3 You're going to try to make Andrew be your servant.

Speaker 2 And Andrew's just going to go off on his own.

Speaker 3 Get you sex dolls. You're going to have to find food because there's no Uber Eats, no steakhouses.

Speaker 2 Don't be silly. She's right.
Oh, yeah. Meat's all food.

Speaker 3 What are you providing?

Speaker 2 Food is all going to go back. Number one, you guys are so dumb, dude.
Number one, okay.

Speaker 2 I can go to a Von's, right? Frozen food's out. Yeah.
There's no more frozen food, it's gone. Exactly, right? Vegetable, fresh, anything fresh is out.
Correct. It's only canned food.

Speaker 2 But canned food, I know how to open those.

Speaker 3 Good, yeah. You s act like you can't plant seeds.

Speaker 2 I know how there's pots, right? And I know how to pour beans in a pot. Correct.
And start a fire. Cause the lighters will be there.
That's right. right right and there'll be wood for to

Speaker 2 do a bonfire yeah um i'm gonna start a michelin star restaurant by myself that no one shows up to every night but i but i prep like someone is gonna come oh that's so sad and i stand outside with a towel on my arm

Speaker 2 and i and as just as the wind just a languid wind

Speaker 2 i just go care for some italian yeah and i just stand by myself yeah losing my mind but i cook like feverishly every day and i'll be the wine guy

Speaker 2 you finally show up yeah Yeah, I show you up. Like Lieutenant Dan DeForest Gump, you finally show up.
I have no legs. I have no legs.
Why did you lose your legs?

Speaker 2 To fire, I was making beans. Lieutenant Lee let his legs on fire.
I was making beans, and I found Andrew again. He never got the sex dolls, but here we have this restaurant now.

Speaker 2 And we're called, the movie's called Lieutenant Lee's Legs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you replaced your legs with the sex doll legs.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Wait, if Bobby's bottom half was a sex doll.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh, yes, I would. Okay.
Okay, of course. What are we even talking about about at some point? Of course, I would.
Yeah. If your bottom half fell off and we had to put a sex doll on the bottom.

Speaker 2 How much money did Lieutenant Dan give Forrest Gump for the shrimp company? What do you mean? How much did Forrest Gump get Lieutenant Dan?

Speaker 2 Didn't Lieutenant Dan make a lot of money off of the shrimp company? Yeah, but Forrest bought the boat from Bubba Gump's mom. I understand that.
And then, like, he gives money.

Speaker 2 How much money does he give Forrest? Well, they got about 15 boats. Right.
Because all the boats were wiped wiped out. Yeah, and they were the only ones left.

Speaker 2 Right, and they made him millions of dollars. They had 10.
And I remember Lieutenant Dan comes to the wedding or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 And I know that Forrest makes money from Lieutenant Dan, but I was wondering if Lieutenant Dan fucked him over a little bit. It felt like he did a little bit.

Speaker 2 Those legs were made out of the same thing that the NASA space shuttle was made out of, so I didn't trust him on the second.

Speaker 2 That's true. That's true.
That trust them all. Yeah, that's true.
When I look at movies like that, I don't like it. Taylor Tomlinson to host CBS After Midnight.

Speaker 2 She's taken over for fucking James Gordon.

Speaker 3 Really? Wow, that's huge news.

Speaker 2 Comedian has scored the late night CBS gig. She beat out ex-Mayo and Ricky Velez for the hosting job.

Speaker 2 The news would announce on the late show with Stephen Colbert, whose host will executive produce the show. Tomlinson, Rising Standup, who's released our Netflix specials, Quarter Life Crisis.

Speaker 2 And look at you. Congratulations to Taylor Tomlinson.
Taylor. Oh my God, she's our homie who's going to be now hosting CBS.
I literally,

Speaker 2 when you told me that,

Speaker 2 it gave me goosebumps at the size of coconut balls. Amazing.

Speaker 2 That's amazing. Honestly, good for Taylor.
Congratulations, Taylor Tomlinson.

Speaker 2 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 3 Like comedy history.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, honestly, that's the first female comedian to host a late-night show.
It's also, she's a part. She's young.

Speaker 3 She's young.

Speaker 2 What is she, 27? Got to be 25, 26.

Speaker 2 But you know what's so funny is that this is, she's walking in the footsteps of some of the greats before, because I will say, Joan Rivers would do guest hosting for Johnny Carson.

Speaker 2 Get her own show, too. But I'm saying Joan Rivers always wanted and probably deserved to get a late-night show.
She did on Fox.

Speaker 2 The main ones we're talking about. She had a main Fox one.
That's why Johnny Carson was mad at her. You're not listening.

Speaker 2 I'm saying like the main shows, the late show the late late show the tonight show like what arsinio does wasn't a real thing it was dude but it's like different category though yeah you're missing what i'm saying the main network television late night shows are the ones that so fox on nate it's not late it's not main

Speaker 2 i don't know what you just said to be honest what i was trying to say was it's impressive to be a female to lead a late night show that is one of the original network late night shows right you're right that's huge it's huge it's a big fucking deal because joan rivers and all these other people that had shows they weren't the main shows.

Speaker 2 They weren't the late night or the tonight show, the late show. And I love they went, you know, we're going to go young young.
Well, she's a voice of a massive generation. Look at her audience.

Speaker 2 She sells out fucking arenas. There's a reason she's so famous.
There's a reason Nate Bargati just did fucking SNL. Yeah, but I hope they don't.
It's, you know,

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 when you watch, you know, Fallon or any of these guys do their monologues and stuff, it's just, it's just,

Speaker 2 it just becomes so watered down and cookie-cutter. You know what I mean? There's no more edge to it.
And I just wish that she doesn't lose the magic. That's all.
She's not really an edgy comedian.

Speaker 2 She's a very, like, she's very, speaks from her own voice and her own perspective. Yeah, but they're going to write her topical stuff.
And I just, just, you know, I just hope it doesn't.

Speaker 2 I don't think it will. I think she'll do it.
She'll lose her edge. I think she'll do a phenomenal.
She doesn't have an edge. She's not an edgy comic.
She's a very, like... I think she's cool, though.

Speaker 2 She is, but she's a wholesome, like a, the reason they booked her on that is because she's receivable to

Speaker 2 an American audience.

Speaker 2 She doesn't go out of her way to talk about poop and jerking off like this show. I'm sorry.
Newsflash, we're definitely not getting on late night anytime soon. Never.

Speaker 2 She's much more clean and concise and intelligent. Her comedy is very,

Speaker 2 it's good.

Speaker 2 And this is bullshit. It's not bullshit.
This is goofball, wackadoo nonsense.

Speaker 2 We're about to show.

Speaker 2 So we did Denver, and what we've been doing, guys, is we're doing talent shows. And because we know our fans have massive talent.
We've had some pretty impressive talents.

Speaker 2 We had a lady that did a hawk, not hawk. No, she did a seagull.

Speaker 2 We had a bunch of rappers. We had a rapper in DC who was actually really good.
We had a rapper in Daniel. And Denver was good too.
We've had a lot of hidden talent fans.

Speaker 2 I think the most impressive talent was what?

Speaker 3 Let's say it on three.

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Queef.
Oh.

Speaker 3 Wait, what were you going to say?

Speaker 2 I was going to say

Speaker 2 that. She wasn't on the lineup, right? And we asked the audience, we have a lot of talented, you know what I mean, people that signed up for the talent show.

Speaker 2 And some random lady in the audience goes, I can queef on command.

Speaker 2 And we immediately get your attention. Yeah, get on stage.
You got to get on stage. Yeah, so that's, to me, I went, stop, hold.
And there was 3,500 people there.

Speaker 2 Not only could she queef on command when she came on stage, which, by the way, you know, they gave us that microphone she used. We have it here.
It's encased in the front room.

Speaker 2 Like, they didn't want to use it again?

Speaker 2 It's melted. The top is just.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see. But this woman could queef on beat.
She made a beat, she could queef with a beat.

Speaker 3 It was incredible, it was like a golden buzzer moment, like an AGT, like everybody vibe.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, we're sending her to the final. Do you remember when Mozart Saliari?

Speaker 2 I remember. Do you remember? Yeah, what Salieri.

Speaker 2 Saliari. You're such an asshole, dude.

Speaker 2 Such a fucking pretentious dickhead.

Speaker 2 You know who you are, dude? You're the kind of guy that likes $35 water. You're a fucking dickhead.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 Saliari. Saliari.
Saliari wrote a piece for the king, right?

Speaker 2 And the king is practicing because he wants to show off in front of Mozart. Right.
Right. And Mozart comes in and goes, well, I think this will be better.
And he made it better.

Speaker 2 That's what this lady was like. Can you imagine Mozart comes in the room when somebody's composing something and he's just like eating something? He just goes, gay, to whatever sentence.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he, um, she came in and goes, hold, hold my drink. Hold my drink.
Yeah. And watch what I can do.
But you know what the weird is you can hear it go.

Speaker 2 It was

Speaker 2 so breathing.

Speaker 2 We can't show the video on the main page here, of course. No, we have a Patreon.
We're going to show it to you. Go watch it on the Patreon if you want.
It's on there.

Speaker 2 We can't show it on the main page. It's the Rockmonanoff of Kweefs.
The Rockmanoff of Kweefs. Go check it out on the Patreon because if we show it on here, YouTube will get mad at us again.
Again.

Speaker 2 And I want to say this:

Speaker 2 I really, really, really love you. Who, me?

Speaker 2 Juice.

Speaker 2 And to the fans out there that that have been asking, we are an inch away from closing down a deal so we can go to Australia to perform for our fans. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Auckland. We're all over the place, down on duh.
We're working on it right now.

Speaker 2 But in the meantime, go see us out in 2024, get the tickets because we're going to be in like Atlantic City. We're going to be in Tucson.
We're going to be Reno, Temecula, Sacramento.

Speaker 2 So go check us out at badfriendspod.com for those tickets. And thank you for being a bad friend.
Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 You know how I knew, by the way, what time you left in Denver? Uh, when I walked past the hotel room, how would I know that you, what you did that morning or that late that night? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 There was a cart in the hallway with all the food on it that you ordered. Yeah.
And I literally go, God, I knew Bobby ate last night. We just ate dinner, and I go, I bet he ate again.

Speaker 2 I lifted up the napkin,

Speaker 2 and she starts cracking up spaghetti, steak, soup, salad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just ate. Yeah.
And he had so much much stuff. So here's the deal.

Speaker 2 Can you never do that again? What? That's my food. I didn't touch it.
It's intrusive. It don't.
You were done. You covered it.
You were done. Did I not cover my food? That's to say I'm done.

Speaker 2 Doesn't matter. It's mine.
Don't look at it. I'm going to look at it every time.
I'm going to do whatever I want. I'll look at your fucking food all I want, especially if you're done.
You're done.

Speaker 2 It's for the garbage. You're throwing it away.

Speaker 2 So, yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you another thing then? Yeah, go ahead. Since we're here at

Speaker 2 this level. Yeah, let's go then.

Speaker 2 I wasn't really gonna fart on your wife

Speaker 2 yeah you were no i wasn't and you acted so fucking weird you farted on everyone in the green room you also did fart right next to her because you thought it was funny and i said don't fucking fart on her but why are you so fucking weird about it because it's crazy disrespectful she did not want that to happen yeah she was not into it that's not okay she doesn't like that okay but don't get that angry about it nobody is nobody shut up i want to fart on your wife next time i see her can you imagine he would be so fucking mad i don't give a fuck now that they have a baby he'll kill you

Speaker 2 yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, you can do whatever you want to me.
Okay. Not well, then how about this? That's out of my life.
You don't look at my food, I don't fart on your wife.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna look at your food all the time. I'm gonna fart on your wife.
And I'll beat the shit out of you. And I'll beat the shit out of me.
Yeah, you will. Okay, I'll beat the shit out of myself.

Speaker 2 God, you get so mad about stupid things, man. To do something so stupid.
There's other things you get mad about. I don't want to do that.
You're 52, and to fart on somebody's wife is insane.

Speaker 2 Backstage, it's fun. It doesn't matter what stage it's on.
Front stage, backstage. Okay.
Anyway. Idiot.
Fucking moron.

Speaker 2 Fucking idiot. Dude, take a chill pill as a 52-year-old that farts on people.

Speaker 2 There's other things, though, too, that you just get mad about. Fart on people.
Yeah. Nobody wants to be farted on, ever.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you another thing that you get mad? No, I don't want to bring it up. Look at your face.
Nobody wants to be farted on. Period.

Speaker 2 I know, but it was a joke. I wasn't really going to do it.
I hadn't.

Speaker 2 You did. You just farted.
That's my butt. That's my butt.

Speaker 2 Put it on the mic. Hey, yeah.