Barbie & Ken Breakup

Speaker 1 Come on, Barbie. Let's go party.
Uh-uh.

Speaker 1 I've never seen.

Speaker 1 You've seen Barbie. I've never seen Barbie.
I don't even know how they talk. They like this.
Well, I'm Ken, and that's my girl, Barbie. Hi, and I'm Barbie.
That's not how she talks. How do you talk?

Speaker 1 I'm Barbie. No, that's not how she talks.

Speaker 1 That's how she talks? Yeah. All right.
Trans Barbie. What did you just say?

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 They're all trans. I've seen the dolls.
That's right. They are.
They are. Okay, guys, we have a weird, we have a weird thing happening on the TV.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, can we wish everybody a happy Halloween? What's going on right now? You go right into bits. Happy Halloween.
Say hello and everything. Let's start over.
You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 Come on, Barbie. Let's go party.

Speaker 1 Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come. Come on, Barbie.
Let's go party.

Speaker 1 It hurts.

Speaker 1 Is that how it sounds? So, anyway, welcome to Halloween. Halloween, Halloween.
Halloween. And be careful because you can, you know, indirectly summon evil spirits during the holidays.

Speaker 1 Halloween. And, you know,

Speaker 1 you're inviting the demon to come into your life some day. I agree.
You agree? I agree. I agree too.
I saw a ghost this morning in my house, and I'm actually not. Tell me about your ghost.

Speaker 1 I'm not joking. Describe it to me, the ghost.
So I was looking up. We were cooking breakfast this morning, and I looked up in the hallway.

Speaker 1 There's a little hallway that goes into my living room and then into another hallway. Yeah.
And my dog will often sit and stare at that hallway. And you're like, she sits and stares at it all.

Speaker 1 By the way, your dog? Yeah. The best black dog I've ever seen.
Yeah, I know. We got rid of the white one.
It wasn't good enough. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 1 that dog was doing slam dunks. Yep.

Speaker 1 Did you hear her rap? It was like jigging. Yeah.
Have you met the dog?

Speaker 1 It was like, if you put down a cardboard box, flat, it starts to break down. It's the best.
It's the best black dog. Yeah, anyway, go ahead.
No, but my dog will sit there. Right?

Speaker 1 And she'll stare at the hallway, creeped out

Speaker 1 all the time.

Speaker 1 And then this morning, I looked up from eggs and looked back down,

Speaker 1 and a vision went by.

Speaker 1 Let me describe it to you. Please, please, let me close my hand.
Tall, lanky, long,

Speaker 1 like shitty, wispy hair. It sounds like,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. And it's awkward and it kind of hunches when it walks.
So it has like a very like forward hunch, almost like...

Speaker 1 It was Ari Shafir. Oh, yeah, he was there.
Yeah, he was. Was that Ari? He just slept over.
Oh, I see. Yeah, he was just going to sleep.
Because the hunch. Yeah.
And the way you. Okay.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. He just slept over.
No, but no, demon. Go back to the demon.
Good demon, demon. Long, like one of the tree people.
You know, the tree people that have long, like, like

Speaker 1 daddy long legs, like. Lord of the Rings, tree people? Yeah, the tree people.
Long. Honestly.
I have no idea what those people look like. Oh, you never saw it? You know, I don't know who it is.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, anyways, long.
Well, what's

Speaker 1 the Slenderman? Slenderman. Yeah, Slenderman.

Speaker 1 There's two different. Slenderman and Slenderman.
Or Slenderman's my accountant. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. He's your businessman.

Speaker 1 So my accountant, was that your. Yeah, he was there.
Oh, I see. And he kept walking through the house and he goes, you have to do your taxes.

Speaker 1 He's always at my house doing that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So

Speaker 1 I saw a vision of the body going through the hallway, and I got goose. Do you call them goose pimples or goose bumps?

Speaker 1 Goosebumps. You say bumps, bumps.
What do you say?

Speaker 1 I've never gotten them. You've never gotten goosebumps before? Never.

Speaker 1 Our skin doesn't do it. Asian skin doesn't goose bumps.
No, we don't do shock.

Speaker 1 You guys duck bump? We don't have awakenings. You guys duck bump.
We goose bump, you duck bump. Yeah.
No, dude, I get fucking goosebumps as big as coconut balls.

Speaker 1 What is coconut balls? You mean a coconut? I just woke up, so when I just woke up, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I get goosebumps as big as

Speaker 1 coconuts.

Speaker 1 No, but I'll get them. I mean, when's the last time I had a goose bump? When's the last time you had a goose bump? When people cheer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I'm getting them right now. Yeah, that worked.

Speaker 1 Coconut balls. Whoa, yeah, or when I have a spiritual awakening.
Give me one. Did you have one recently? I haven't had a spiritual awakening in

Speaker 1 many, many years, but I had one when I was the biggest. Well, let's talk about it later, but I never shared it, but I had the craziest where I went.
This is where I went.

Speaker 1 There is no coincidences at all. And this is the Lord's work.

Speaker 1 This is the Lord's work.

Speaker 1 And I could share it. But anyway, tell me to go back to the thing.
I'd rather you share it right now. You're deep in the middle of the house.
You're talking about a demon in your house.

Speaker 1 Let's go there. Okay.
All right. So Moore Slenderman was in the house.
Moore Slenderman walking through the house. Right? Filthy floors.
He hated.

Speaker 1 Hated the house. It was dirty.
It was. We didn't clean.
But I immediately got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that someone had died in the house.

Speaker 1 So I texted my real estate agent and I said, did anybody ever pass away in this home?

Speaker 1 He blocked my number. Whoa.

Speaker 1 So what that means to me is he killed someone in the house while he was selling it. What I think was, this is my brain.
He was showing the house, someone was criticizing it.

Speaker 1 You know, when you go through a house, you're like, well, I don't like the fixtures. This door seems a little, he couldn't do it anymore.
Well, I was at your house last night.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we had a little mini-get together. It was a great get together.
I ran into people that I hadn't seen in a long time. Nick Crees.
Nick Christ, yeah. And then, dude,

Speaker 1 and this is, I'm kind of mad at you. Why?

Speaker 1 In fact, I'm furious. What did I do?

Speaker 1 Because you know that kid, Matt? Yeah. He did Fairfax.
Yeah. You know him, right? Yes.
Yeah, he's a good friend. So check it out, dude.

Speaker 1 Last night I was like, he goes,

Speaker 1 yeah, and I offered you that thing. He did, yeah.
On Fairfax. Yeah, he offered you a role on an animated show.
And I go, wait, it's you? Yeah, Matt.

Speaker 1 Because I'd have known Matt, but when you called me and said, do Fairfax, you never said it was him. I'm sure I did.
No, you didn't. You just gave me what the money was, and I said no.

Speaker 1 Well, that's right. Yeah, you said no to the money.

Speaker 1 If he reached out, though, I would have done it. Here's what it sounded like, boys.
It sounded like this. Hey, my buddy Matt is making this show called Fairfax.
That's actually a cool show on Amazon.

Speaker 1 It's an animated show, and it's offering you X amount of dollars. That's what I said.
What you heard was,

Speaker 1 $800.

Speaker 1 That's what I heard. Yeah.
Yeah, you heard Charlie. But did you say, you know the chubby cheek guy with the glasses? Yeah.
The Jack Osborne-y chubby cheek guy with the glasses?

Speaker 1 I would have been, oh, have him call me. Okay.
Anyway. Well, that was the second time I had to push you.
So you great party. Another thing I saw saw was, oh, you had some.

Speaker 1 You walk in, you go, okay, this is Andrew Santino's private mini party.

Speaker 1 Elite only. No.

Speaker 1 Elite only, right? In my mind. Yeah, it should have been.
I was driving up to your house. I was like, who's going to be there? Chris Pratt.
Right, yeah. You know what I mean? Some other guy.

Speaker 1 He was cleaning the pool. Oh, he wasn't.
Yeah. Anyway, I walk in and I'm like, oh, that's pretty good.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
You know, some producers there. Yeah, some, yeah.

Speaker 1 You had some high tech, right? But then you had mixed in with it, borderline homeless. Yeah.
Well, when you refer to that, LaCarla walks in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, it's not fancy.
Well, here's the deal. Yeah, it's not elite.
We needed someone to get ice. And I said,

Speaker 1 he goes,

Speaker 1 do you mind if I stop by? And I said, you can be there for 15 minutes. Yeah.
I said, drop off the ice, 15 minutes, then you got to go. But the worst person that showed up by far.
Let me guys.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Carlos, obviously. And here's what Carlos.
Why, why, why? And I'm going to tell you. I know you think I'm kidding around.

Speaker 1 He tried to hook up with my wife twice, hit on her two times, drunk as fuck, dropped multiple shit on the ground. I picked it up.
I picked it up. Barely, barely.
Dude, and here's the funniest part.

Speaker 1 Late at night, I'm not making any of this up.

Speaker 1 There's a bag of Tostitos chips,

Speaker 1 right? Yeah. I hear from the fucking other room,

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 I go in. This fucking lunatic, like Tyrannosaurus Rex, is shuffling.
I mean, look, a handful of chips. He's crunched them and

Speaker 1 inhale them like a pig, and he's spilling all over the floor. Yeah.
And I go, dude, one at a time. Yeah.
One at a time. And he goes, He also has a hyena paw.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 So it's like the crunching is like a bunch of people. Look, go like this with your hand.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So he's digging in there and he's crunching them into his little mouth. And I was like, buddy, one chip at a time.
That's not going. They're not going anywhere.
Yeah. They're your chips.

Speaker 1 And those are the chips. What did you say?

Speaker 1 What did you say? What was your response? I don't remember. I just was trying to get them all in at once.
That's what you said. I said that's what are you saying? What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Oh, so if the chips were closer to the mouth, they start whittling away

Speaker 1 because of his breath.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 They jumped. The chips are like, eeeh.
You know what I mean? They just, no,

Speaker 1 no, insane. Yeah, dude.
It was fun. He was shoveling.
I'm sorry. No.

Speaker 1 You're a good guy, but your breath, come on. And then, on top of that,

Speaker 1 on top of that, so little patio. We have a nice little patio.
Beautiful patio. Everyone's hanging out.
I put out, in the case that there might be bugs, just little spindles with little things.

Speaker 1 You light it and it's for bug perfume, you know, bug off, like little off-candles. Andrew, I swear this will.
Time out. You shut your mouth.
This guy

Speaker 1 uses it as an ashtray.

Speaker 1 Dude, Bobby. Bobby.

Speaker 1 You might as well just ash it in that baby's head. There's a baby there.
Oh, no, no, it gets worse. Hold on.
Hold on. Let me get to that part.

Speaker 1 Not only did he use the off-candle thing as an ashtray, he's smoking, sharing cigarettes

Speaker 1 next to my buddy's pregnant wife.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Lunatic.
Lunatic, Lou. You're a lunatic.
It was a joint. Yeah.
Yeah. No, you smoked a cigarette, then you guys smoke joints, then you smoke more cigarettes.

Speaker 1 Next time, if you're going to bring Mexicans, bring the darker-skinned ones. That's right.
Because these lighter-skinned ones, they're arrogant. Well, you know what else? They think they're above it.

Speaker 1 And he didn't even help to clean up, which, you know, a darker-skinned Mexican would have definitely done. They would have done it.
And they would have also built a gazebo and helped with the fence.

Speaker 1 Dude, ripping butts next to my buddy's pregnant wife. And I mean, huffing down cigarettes.
They took no breaks. It was chain smoking weed and cigarettes.
How long, honestly, though?

Speaker 1 Because I left, I was there for an hour, maybe. You were there for an hour and a half.
How long?

Speaker 1 And be honest, was Carlos there for? All night. One of the last ones to leave.
To midnight. Yeah, midnight, 30.
Yeah. One of the last ones to leave.
When did McCone leave?

Speaker 1 In my mind, he was never there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But his physical presence, he was around the same time. They left together because, you know, these two are up to no good together all the time.

Speaker 1 Did most of the the people stay a lot of people kick it a lot of the people had to kick it and also you know it was nice people that wanted to stay late to talk to the old lady was nice and what did we do by the way you want to talk about a dual halloween birthday party we served ramen for you that's true that i was wondering why there's so much ramen here for you we had homemade ramen did you get some homemade ramen that was good it's really good you made home we make the we make the broth from scratch and then we get the fresh noodles from the market wow is it good i mean it was so good you didn't have any He already ate.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. You know what he ate before that? What? Ramen.
You went up to get it.

Speaker 1 Well, if I knew that you were going to have ramen, I wouldn't have gotten the ramen. I just assumed you said I'm probably going to go to dinner, and I thought, well, fine, he wasn't going to die.

Speaker 1 Why was it friends? Anyway, my point is, is okay, so back to the, oh, and then, and then you said something, and then you said, and then, um, and then what, what else? You look good, Barbie.

Speaker 1 Okay, thank you. Honestly, when I see you, I realize why I'm in love with you.

Speaker 1 Come on, Barbie, let's go party. Do you know that song that I'm singing? No, but I don't want to know.
But I don't want to to know it. Look it up.
Who was who sung that? You don't know the song?

Speaker 1 I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie world.

Speaker 1 Life is plastic. It's fantastic.
Vote for Trump 2020 for to get him back. Is that the lyrics? Yes.

Speaker 1 We should vote for Trump.

Speaker 1 And who sings it? Barbie. Aqua.
Or zoom into the lyrics, and let me see if I can get this.

Speaker 1 Hiya, Barbie. Oh, is that the part of the lyrics? I'm saying it to you.
It's the beginning of the song. Hiya, Barbie.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's do this as a dialogue. Well, we're trying, right?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to. All right, all right, sorry, okay.
Hi, you, Barbie. Hi, Ken.
You want to go for a ride? Sure, Ken. Jump in.

Speaker 1 I'm a Barbie girl. Okay, listen to the beat.
Oh, I thought I was just doing the dialogue still.

Speaker 1 No, that's the song.

Speaker 1 Unja, unja, unja, unja, unja.

Speaker 1 I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world.

Speaker 1 Life in plastic is fantastic. You can brush my hair and dress me anywhere.
Imagination, life is your creation. Very good, dude.
That's very, very good. Okay.
Come on, Barbie. Let's go party.

Speaker 1 And then you have to go like this.

Speaker 1 Ready? Come on, Barbie. Let's go party.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? That was a real orgasm, dude.
Did you really just pop one? That's a real orgasm, dude. Come on, Barbie.
Let's go party.

Speaker 1 Is that what you sound like when you shoot yeah dude you don't like it i do not much i do not but i'm not the girl so it doesn't matter well what i do is i give them the little um plug earplugs oh so they can't hear you i put them in right when i'm about to come oh i put them in

Speaker 1 do you know what carlos said to me last night no joke hey man this area this area that you live in has a ton of good prostitution spots oh my god did you say that or am i making that up or not no i did say this is the suburb it's the valley yeah but the but he literally goes this is a hotbed hotbed of prostitution spots.

Speaker 1 Did you say that? I did. I did.
I did say that. Okay, so don't make it sound like you didn't say that.
No, I was embarrassed of my words. That's why.
You said it to the entire party.

Speaker 1 Well, I was just trying to tell you in some detail. Everybody heard.
Andrew, I got to tell you, I woke up and I was like, I know. You don't remember what happened last night.

Speaker 1 No, I remember a little bit and I was like, oh, no. I'm calling you right now.
Let me see how you react.

Speaker 1 Bob.

Speaker 1 I haven't picked up yet. I know.
I just like to talk to you.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Hello. Bob.

Speaker 1 Carlos.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait. What?

Speaker 1 Who is this?

Speaker 1 You don't have caller ID? It's me. No, I just.

Speaker 1 Andrew? Yeah. Okay, Carlos left my house last night.
Drunk. He sucked your house? What?

Speaker 1 You said Carlos sucked your house last night? I got to go.

Speaker 1 I know. Is that your cousin? Your cousin's girlfriend? Was that your cousin's girlfriend? He doesn't have a girlfriend.
Who's that girl, though, then? She was a single girl.

Speaker 1 There were just girls that were there. There's people that were there.
Yeah. She's pretty cute.
Are you interested? No, but who is she? You're interested. Who is she, though?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm not telling you on air. Okay.
But I mean, are you interested?

Speaker 1 There was something about her eyes. I like the eyes, too.
What? The eyes were. I like when women's eyes are close together.
Yes. This is interesting.

Speaker 1 I always date girls with cross eyes and close together. What do you mean? She doesn't have cross eyes.
They're like. You know what she told me?

Speaker 1 She's never been in a relationship in her whole life. God bless.

Speaker 1 She really?

Speaker 1 Are we talking about the same person? Yeah, close eyes. Well, first of all, Carlos was talking to a plant for like three quarters.

Speaker 1 All right. Anyway, can I talk about the spiritual awakening now? Please.
I've been waiting. I know, but it's not funny.
Doesn't matter. But I want you to ask questions.

Speaker 1 You bet I will. Okay.
I'll do it as quick as I can because I don't want to bore the audience. Okay.
Because it's not like there's no comedy. Well, the buildup is killing me, so please do it.

Speaker 1 I'll start. Okay.
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Speaker 1 Use the code bad friends to get this deal. So a long time ago, when I was 17 years old, I got sober.
Yeah. Well, that's it.
What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 No, so I got sober and I was very active in, you know, local San Diego recovery scene. Right.
I had a sponsor and, you know, and all that stuff. Right.

Speaker 1 And so then after about five years, I fucking quit going to meetings. Right.
Right. And I started doing stand-up because it filled my heart.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then I just, it got to the point where years went by and I didn't know anybody from the thing anymore. From what thing? Oh, from the recovery.
From recovery or anything.

Speaker 1 I didn't have a single number. I didn't know anybody.
I hadn't been to a meeting many, many years. And then when I was 30,

Speaker 1 I had almost 13 years of sobriety. When did I relapse when I was on that TV? Yeah, that was the first time you relapsed.
That was the first time, right? Right.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 but that was an opiates run. That's bad.
I had a Vicodin addiction. Pills are so bad.
So bad. It was fucking bad, dude.
At one point, how many Vicodin pills were you taking a day? Do you remember?

Speaker 1 Probably anywhere 40

Speaker 1 to 60. In a day? Yeah, they said Brett Favre takes that.
I go, I do Brett Favre's numbers. I've hung out with him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does.
Like, I could throw a football.

Speaker 1 He's always like, come on, man, take one. You're like, Favre, chill out, dude.
And I was taking a lot.

Speaker 1 40 is insane. And there was this sketch guy.
I can't see his name. No, don't.
But he's like a 500-pound Mexican dude.

Speaker 1 Fluffy? No, who also does sketch comedy. Gabriel and Glacy.
Yeah, I don't know what his name is Gabriel. Was doing opioids with you? Yeah, and he would like, I lived on Sanborn.
I remember Sanborn.

Speaker 1 And I I would look out the window and he would just roll down the hill.

Speaker 1 Here I come. You know what I mean? And he's a roll down.
And he had fucking bags of pills. Joey D.S.

Speaker 1 Somebody like that. Yeah.
Right. Anyway, I almost died.
Right. And then what happened was I went through a withdrawal that you wouldn't believe.

Speaker 1 And I went to a hospital in San Diego and I was desperate. I was dying, dude.
And what they did was they, Abby, my manager, she booked me at a place called the Optimum, Optimum Health Institute.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a fucking rehab. It was a.

Speaker 1 It was a wheatgrass farm. Oh, my God.
So I show up, I'm detoxing alpha Vicodin, and I'm in a room. Abby has a room next to me.
Is she really into wheatgrass? No, she's like, I want to lose weight.

Speaker 1 And so you can detox here, but I can also lose weight. She was shoehorning her weight loss in your fucking

Speaker 1 rehab. So check it out.
I'm at the Optimum Health Institute. I wake up, I'm shaking.
I'm going through.

Speaker 1 They don't have pills or nothing. right? And then they're drinking, you get weak rest for lunch.
Isn't that dangerous? Can't you die? I could have died. Yeah.
Right. And also, I need recovery.

Speaker 1 I need to go to a meeting. Right.
And I was desperate, dude. I was, are you bored? No, I just had an itch.
Stop doing the bored itch. Yeah, yeah, I don't like it.
It's like the bored itch. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Is this boring? No, not at all. Here's the spiritual awakening part.
It's fun for me. Oh, yeah.
Here's the spiritual awakening. So one night I go, I need to go to a meeting.

Speaker 1 She goes, This is not a recovery plan. I go, why am I here? Right.
And so I go, I go, give me money. She goes, why? I need money.
Give me money. So she gave me like 40 bucks.
She goes, why?

Speaker 1 I go, I'm going to leave this place tonight at 11:30.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hop over the fence. I'm going to round up.
It was in San Diego. I was going to run down this hill.
It was probably like a quarter of a mile this hill, right?

Speaker 1 And I know that there's an in-and-out because I'm from San Diego. Yeah.
Around there. There is one down there.
So I run down this hill, right?

Speaker 1 And I go to the In-N-Out. And it was like.
All they had was wheatgrass? No. I ate a hamburger.
And then I I went, there was a Vawn's next door.

Speaker 1 And also, what? Yeah, I'm just gonna go. I go to the Vaughn's next door.
There's always a Vons next door in and out. Yeah, and it's 24 hours, right? Yeah, always.

Speaker 1 And I was also like crying desperate, dude. I was desperate.
I was praying to God when I was running. Like, I need help.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel lost.

Speaker 1 And so, this is going to sound so cheesy even. No, I like it.

Speaker 1 Barbie, come on. Okay, hey, I'm back.
So, here, so I'm at the Vawn's and I go, you know what? I'm going to eat an apple.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, no. What? Guess.

Speaker 1 Then Adam came out and you were Eve.

Speaker 1 And you started.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I thought that was.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 It had nothing to do with Bible.

Speaker 1 That was nothing biblical. Oh, cool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think so.
I didn't think so at all.

Speaker 1 All right, so here, this is the cheesy part. What kind of apple?

Speaker 1 For me,

Speaker 1 I like Laxon Superb.

Speaker 1 I would imagine Fiji for you, but go ahead.

Speaker 1 I like Fiji. Yeah, Fiji.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red delicious is good.
Oh, so good. Golden delicious are so good.
They're very good. Anyway, can we move on? Washington.
There's so many.

Speaker 1 So I pick up an apple, right?

Speaker 1 And I hear, Bobby, the apple is talking to you? No. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
No. And I turn around, and there's a dude right behind me, and he seems familiar.

Speaker 1 You know him, but you don't remember him. Yeah, it's been a while.
Like, was he a teacher of my older man? And he goes, it's me, Will

Speaker 1 Smith. No.
Okay, sorry. Some random guy named Will.
Okay. Some random guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 dude, you were my first sponsor. You know what I mean? When I was 16, you know what I mean? Whoa.
And he goes, yeah, dude. He goes, what are you doing here?

Speaker 1 I go, you know, I relapsed and then I, you know, took Viking and then I ran down this hill. I told him the whole story, right?

Speaker 1 And I go, I go, what are you doing here? He goes, I was speaking at an A meeting in Arizona,

Speaker 1 and I was driving back. Wow.
And I'm on the freeway, and I'm like,

Speaker 1 something told me to come here. I swear to God.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, he says this. Whoa.
And he goes, and he goes,

Speaker 1 and I walk in, and there you are. And I go.
How you like them apples? He didn't say that. It's not.

Speaker 1 Sorry. He could have, though.
Yeah. And then he goes, I have all your, like, you want to call, I have everyone's number from all the numbers I like.

Speaker 1 So I got, you know, Dan, old man, Dan, or Dan,

Speaker 1 Dan, right? And all, and I got all these guys' numbers. And then that week, everyone picked me up at the Optimum Health Institute.
To get you back. To go, to take me to meetings.

Speaker 1 It was a very essential, you know, part of that.

Speaker 1 And I stayed sober for 17 years after that. That works.

Speaker 1 But to me, that felt like a spiritual awakening.

Speaker 1 That is very deep. That is an actual spiritual awakening.
It's probably coincidence. No, I don't believe so.
I've never asked you this.

Speaker 1 Do you believe

Speaker 1 that things happen

Speaker 1 for a reason?

Speaker 1 Like, it's sort of like pre-planned

Speaker 1 destiny? Destiny. Or do you think it's just random chaos? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's tough.

Speaker 1 What do you think? It's tough for me. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Because my answer is going to sound annoying. I want to know for real.
Well,

Speaker 1 it's going to be annoying.

Speaker 1 Can I get this out? It's really bothering me. No, you look so pretty.
I know. My kids can't do it.
Well, the hat, but please leave the hair. No, please, it bothers me because

Speaker 1 I'll leave the hair.

Speaker 1 You look so pretty with it.

Speaker 1 I actually looked at you a few times and I thought, you sexy little Korean chick. That'd be great.
What's your name?

Speaker 1 Tutuyine.

Speaker 1 Oh, Tutuyine. Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Oak Island.

Speaker 1 Hook Island? Oak. Oak, like oak trees? No.

Speaker 1 What, no? Oak, my back. Oh, oak, my back.
Oh, oak, my back island. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, so what do you believe? I believe that

Speaker 1 there is a part, there is things that are out of our control that I'm not saying it's supposed, it was supposed to happen,

Speaker 1 but I do think you do things in life that lead you to where you're definitely supposed to go. We were supposed to do this show, and it was kind of unbeknownst to us.

Speaker 1 You do believe that?

Speaker 1 A little bit.

Speaker 1 When we met that day. at the store and became friendly with each other years, years and years ago, the universe was like, these energies will meet again.
Wow. And I do kind of believe that.

Speaker 1 I don't know why.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying like, we're destined to have a huge podcast and

Speaker 1 go and tour the no, I'm just saying I believe that the universe wanted us to continue to come back together a little bit.

Speaker 1 And just like partially, if I'm going to be honest, I think the universe wanted me to be there for you and you to be there for me for my reasons, for your reasons.

Speaker 1 Me kind of helping you get sober again or this show kind of reinvigorated a part of you as a comedian and as a person. And I don't know.
And then you, for me, get more balance.

Speaker 1 I understand that, but then how do you explain the kids that die in, like, no, I'm not going to say like in Darfur? They're born with HIV. It's a

Speaker 1 war-torn country. They die as baby.
I mean, what is their destiny? What do you mean? They mentally. I mean, did they have a destiny? I know, but that was their destiny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 To be born with HIV, to die in a war. Of course not.
No, no, of course not. No, I think that, I think,

Speaker 1 I think that, like I said, it's not, no one's life is like perfectly mapped out, but I think that when things happen in your life, sometimes it's out of your control.

Speaker 1 Life is a mystery. Life is a mystery.

Speaker 1 But no, why do kids get that's why that's why I don't believe in one omnipotent being.

Speaker 1 Why would you give children cancer? That's insane. Yeah, I believe when I die, I'm going to open my eyes and I'm going to be in some sort of machine,

Speaker 1 right? And

Speaker 1 it's going to open up, right? And I'm going to have a bunch of people that I kind of vaguely know. And they're going to go, that was fun, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool. And I'm going to go up and go, whoa.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to be at some sort of arcade in the future. Yeah.
Like, dude, that was only three spectics. So they played you.

Speaker 1 If there's time, their money. Spectics.
Spectic. I go, spectic, that's our money, right? Yeah, dude.
Yeah, you can. I want to do you, dude.
Because you did the Fakerian comedy one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to check out this other one. It's so much better.
The one that's successful. You know what I mean? You can be Tom Hardy.

Speaker 1 I'll go, oh, there's a Tom Hardy. Yeah, but that's 40

Speaker 1 spectacles. So hard to get 40 spectacles.
Yeah, yeah. I don't have 40 spectics.
I go, oh my God. And I'm going to look at my body.
I'm going to be like 9'9.

Speaker 1 That's how tall I am? Doubt it. Yeah, for their, I'm seven foot three, but everyone else is nine foot.
That's right.

Speaker 1 And I'm gonna, and I'm not even, you know, I'm speaking a different language. I'm like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? And I'm gonna realize, oh shit, I wash dishes

Speaker 1 at this truck stop in space.

Speaker 1 Right? And I just, I'm going to realize the three spectrs that I spent, right, was my month worth of

Speaker 1 life. That was your lifetime.
My life savings. Back to the day.
And in my mom's like, why did I pick the fat Korean ride? Imagine you're a beautiful, handsome, like male model in that other world.

Speaker 1 You pick this body. And this thing because you thought it'd be funny to be a comedian.

Speaker 1 Then you go back to washing dishes and you realize the whole time you'd rather be be a hot guy that watches dishes in space

Speaker 1 than pay three spectix to be a Bobby Lee. Yeah, but it'd be interesting.
I think that's what's going to happen. I'm kidding.
I would pay so many spectics to be you. You're worth all the spectix.

Speaker 1 Well, if everyone's life is a ride, let's see how much spectix there would be. Yeah.
Like Carlos's ride. You know the ones at...

Speaker 1 We're future people, we're aliens or whatever. We're at an arcade that has this thing.

Speaker 1 You know the rides at Six Flags that do like just like 80 loops in a row? Yeah, mine's scared straight. Like if you're in trouble, you're you're a teenager in space.
Oh,

Speaker 1 you be me on Earth. If you were a roller dude, they're going to wake up.
They're going to die. They're going to go in here and they're like, oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Glory holes are bad. You're right.
They'll learn something.

Speaker 1 If they did your ride at the arcade. Oh, okay, okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are we on the right

Speaker 1 comedy frequency? Oh, my God. He's not.
You know why? Because he's hungover and he's guilty about it. No, I had a burger.
I've been drinking water all day. What did you do when you left my house?

Speaker 1 I woke up the next morning. Where did you go? Did you go get food? No.
I went home. I didn't.
You didn't go through a drive-thru? No. What do you think is going to happen when you die?

Speaker 1 Don't give me heaven. Give me something else.
I don't. Heaven.
I don't fucking. When you die, what's going to happen? Nothingness? No, I think I'm reincarnated.
I believe in reincarnation. Into what?

Speaker 1 I come back. I mean, this time, I kind of know a grasshopper.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. I'll tell you why.
When I was a kid,

Speaker 1 kids were killing grasshoppers in the neighborhood. What kind of fucked-up kids were you hanging out with? I went to a terminally mentally challenged school.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 These kids were killing grasshoppers and I stopped someone from doing it and he was like, why? I was like, I don't know. I don't like it.
I didn't like it. And I thought,

Speaker 1 that's going to be me someday. And something's going to save me.
Wow. And the universe paid itself off that day.
Wow. There was a weirdo in our neighborhood used to remind me.

Speaker 1 He'd go catch fish down by the water and he'd throw them against the wall.

Speaker 1 What a fucking asshole. Dude, the first, I remember the first time I saw it and I was like, he's going to kill people when he gets big.
He'll kill people. He would just throw a fish against the wall.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he was so crazy, but no one could say anything because he would have beat the shit out of us.
He was huge.

Speaker 1 He was like a fat, one eye was lower than the other one. He was like a fat goon.
And he would catch fish and be like,

Speaker 1 and he'd go, chick it out. Yeah, and he'd huck it against the wall.
Dude. And we were all so scared to say anything.
Imagine if that happened to us.

Speaker 1 We get dragged into water and a fish throws us against a fucking coral reef. That's what you'd get.
I'm already drowning. I hope that's what he would get.
That's why reincarnation is real. Whoa, dude.

Speaker 1 I think so. I think I'm coming back as a grasshopper.
What would you think would happen? Because I indirectly killed a bird. Dude, that's weird you said that.

Speaker 1 I think you'd come back as a bird, but a flightless bird.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, like a, what do you call it? You're a dodo. Flufingo, flamingo.
Just a dodo. A dode.

Speaker 1 Don't call me that. A duck.
You're a dodo. I'm a dodo bird.
No, he's a dodo. This is 100% a Bobby Lee.
That's not you. That's 100% you.
I guess that is me. Look at that.
That's me.

Speaker 1 I just woke up. It's free.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 that yeah and look at how happy oh he's so happy that is bobby oh a flightless bird the only reason they say these things survived so long is because there was no predators

Speaker 1 really nobody wanted to eat it wow well i think it's where where are they they were in they were in australia right they're still alive i don't think there's a lot left they're still going are they still around extinct dodo becoming sick less than 80 years later because the deforestation, hunting, and destruction of their yeah, so they did die out.

Speaker 1 We could bring them back. They've got to be able able to bring these people out.
Imagine all the things, man, that we fucked it extinct. Well, dinosaurs weren't our fault.

Speaker 1 I know, but after that, man.

Speaker 1 What things do we extinct?

Speaker 1 Well, I know there's like two snow leopards left.

Speaker 1 No, there's more than two. How many snow leopards are out there? There's six, seven thousand.
Not bad.

Speaker 1 Dude, for a species of animal, four thousand is not that good. That's not a good number.
Okay, Boston was about that. Like four or five thousand people.
That was a lot of snow leopards in that.

Speaker 1 The Boston, the arena that the theater we played in Boston, you tell me if those were all snow leopards, you wouldn't be like, that's a fuckload of snow leopards. Oh, wait, let me think.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Spread across the world, though. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot.
Too many. Plenty.

Speaker 1 Animals humans have killed. All right.

Speaker 1 The stellar sea cow, which is also Carlos's mom.

Speaker 1 You've met my mom. What'd you say? You've met my mom.
I know. I love your mom.
I want to hook up with her.

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Speaker 1 I got to be honest with you, most of these animals that we've extinct were pretty unattractive. It's like we killed all the ugly ones and kept the cute ones.

Speaker 1 But why, like, you know, you know, people get killed for like tusks.

Speaker 1 If you're an animal with a tusk,

Speaker 1 right, or horns. Or any of that kind of stuff, you're pretty fucked, huh? No.
No. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, that's why people got why that's why people killed them for like, hey, look what I got. Not all of them.
Yeah. People took elephant tusks for ivory because it was a tradable good.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying

Speaker 1 what do they use ivory for? Huh? What do you use ivory for? Well, it used to be piano keys for one thing, but ivory can be used for a myriad of things. Countertops, tables.
I mean, wow, figures.

Speaker 1 Jewelry, piano keys. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's insane. I mean, chess sets.
You ever played chess with an ivory with ivory chess pieces?

Speaker 1 They're nice.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Very nice.
So interesting. I've never played chess.

Speaker 1 A collector's mentality. People have also been known to use bribe government officials because it's rarer than money or gold.
Right. People go on those hunting expeditions and they get elephant tusks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like Trump's kids. Yeah.
Yeah, they got to do it, right? They got to do it. Go get me a tusk.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been to somebody's house who has like deer antlers on the fucking wall? No. Have you? Never.
But it creeps out. The thought of it creeps me out.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I've never been to a hunter's lodge. Yeah, why would we go? I know.
I want to go to a hunter's lodge. I I mean, I've been to.
That's not true.

Speaker 1 Well, I've never been to like a guy's house that hunts, but I've been to a place to hunt. Yeah, it's interesting.
People do it, and they have half the body of a something-something on the wall. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? No, it's usually the head. Oh, it's a head.
Why don't they do

Speaker 1 humans?

Speaker 1 Why don't. Steps up,

Speaker 1 let's just say that's again

Speaker 1 the way you asked

Speaker 1 humans

Speaker 1 was something that you've been thinking about for so long. For so long.
And you were like, and you looked at me like,

Speaker 1 I'm about to bond with Bobby.

Speaker 1 You go, humans?

Speaker 1 Fuck it, that's what I've been thinking about. Yeah, but if you died

Speaker 1 and I had like a Bobby, like your original body, like in my living room, that'd be insanely awesome. Like on the top of Bobby.
No.

Speaker 1 You want to keep his dead body in your living room? Well, I mean, they make it all nice and stuff, like they do for the light. They make it all nice.
They nice and stuff, yeah.

Speaker 1 They like make they put wax on him. Do you mean they who's they they petrify him? You mean you're talking about like taxidermy? Yeah, you want a taxidermy Bobby? That's just the top, like

Speaker 1 sticking out of a wall, like his bust, yeah, exactly. But you know, not like standing free, it could come out of the wall, like a TV.
Oh, cool, yeah, like so.

Speaker 1 When you have people over, you're like, that's my old buddy Bobby. Yeah, and what expression do I have? Let me guess.
Let me

Speaker 1 Was your friend taking a shit when he died? No, no, he's Asian. Yeah, uh-oh, he's a shit.

Speaker 1 He's Asian. If you had the bust of me in your house, what would my expression be? Very stoic and serious.
Also, look like I'm taking a shit. Yeah, yeah.
We both look like we're taking a shit.

Speaker 1 Well, you should do both of us then. Yeah, next to each other.

Speaker 1 Those are the bad friends.

Speaker 1 Let me be honest. You just poked a little bit of the southernness out of you when he said that.
Because you know he's been waiting to be like, Don't you guys think slavery is like not that bad?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? He says stuff like that.

Speaker 1 You know he says stuff like that, yeah. It's deep inside.
No, I'm not pro-slavery.

Speaker 1 What about

Speaker 1 sounds like there's a butt cut?

Speaker 1 What about formaldehyde?

Speaker 1 If you put me in a tuxedo and a top hat,

Speaker 1 and I'm just floating in formaldehyde.

Speaker 1 They dip you in it. You don't float in it.
They dip you in it. Well, what's the stuff that they put with the frogs they put in the jar? Like an independence day?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, they put a jar and there's that liquid. What's that liquid in the jar? That might be formaldehyde.
That's what I'm saying. But I don't think you could float in that.

Speaker 1 I think when they do that,

Speaker 1 they put it inside of your body. Look up.
I think they put formaldehyde inside of your body. My body wants to be in a jar.

Speaker 1 Like Disney, like Walt Disney's head. Yeah.
Well, he's cryogenically frozen, isn't he? Frozen?

Speaker 1 I thought they put him in jars. There we go, dude.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 There we go. Go to the head.
Well, that's just Halloween. Here's.

Speaker 1 Oh, there I am. That's at a Portuguese university, and it's well preserved.
See, this is perfect. crazy.
It kind of looks like you. I know, dude.
So doing that, but my whole body.

Speaker 1 I imagine that's a good idea, dude. And this would be y'all too.
Oh, cute. You wouldn't want that whole body.
Imagine how weird your penis looks floating in a jar with you. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 You know, I think about that all the time. Like, you know how people say they slip in the shower and they die? You know, that happens a lot.
Like, I slip in the tub.

Speaker 1 And I think, I would, please, God, don't let me slip in the shower and die because they see you.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? and you're wet with your little penis is wet and it's tiny because you're in the shower. Like you're a little wet penis and you're dead.
That's why I got rid of my fungus.

Speaker 1 Because you don't want to die. My left foot, remember, I had a fungus on my left.
Yeah. It's all gone.

Speaker 1 But the reason my biggest fear was if I died and they had to identify my body, my brother would be like, yeah, that's him. Look at the foot.
Look at his foot.

Speaker 1 I got to get rid of that. You got to get rid of it.
Like, my dick. Why do you care about your dick after you're dead?

Speaker 1 Listen, what I'm saying is, I'll I'll tell you, I used to have a joke about it, but I wanted to die with clothes on because it genuinely scares me.

Speaker 1 Because paramedics are going to come in the room and they're going to go,

Speaker 1 dude. No, they're not.
Yeah, they are. No, they're not.

Speaker 1 Santina looks like it. If it was a murder scene, no.
Right. But if it was just, I had a heart attack.
Heart attack. They're going to laugh.
They're going to go, dude, that's the bad friends guy.

Speaker 1 Look at his little naked, wet penis. Like, if I had to identify your body, you know, the unzip.
Yeah. And they look at your face, right? You know how the unzip? No, no.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to go, can you zip it further down? No, not you. I want to, I want to.
I'm saying the paramedics walk in, the coroner walks in, and they go, don't touch it.

Speaker 1 You know, we're trying to leave the body alone until, you know, paramedics get.

Speaker 1 And they all get in there and they're looking at me in the shower, and the water's running, and I'm wet, and my penis is tiny, resting against my balls, and I'm dead.

Speaker 1 And you know, one of them's going to go,

Speaker 1 it's not even that cold in here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you think those guys don't make jokes sometimes? If it's a murder scene, no. But if it's just a regular death, you don't think those guys make some kind of

Speaker 1 a- How do you deal with it? This is what I would do. This is what I would do.
I'd see your body, I would look at your head, I'd go, oh, fuck, I'm a huge fan. And I would look down, I'd go.

Speaker 1 See, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yes. Just a little

Speaker 1 bit. Everybody's penis is gross and water is.

Speaker 1 Right. When you get out of the shower, there's, unless you're like hooking up and you have a heart on, when you just get out of the shower, your penis is so weird and wet and like sad.

Speaker 1 And like a little, you know what? It looks like one of the extinct animals that we had. One of those little extinct animals.
Yeah. It's gross, dude.

Speaker 1 You look at your penis after you take a shower, huh? I'm looking at it the whole time. I'm trying to kiss it.
Yeah. I've been doing stretches.
That's why I hurt my back. My dick, though, goes...

Speaker 1 If I pull it out right now, you won't even see it. I'm not going to.
But it's in my body. Oh, it goes all the way in.

Speaker 1 The whole thing just goes in my body.

Speaker 1 Do you know why it does that? Why? It wants to stay warm. It gets closer to the warmth.
Is that why? Yeah, it squiggles in. That's why your balls go up.

Speaker 1 That's why your balls go upstairs when you're in cold water. I stole.

Speaker 1 You stole? I stole your wife's joke. What?

Speaker 1 I stole it. What joke? With

Speaker 1 the little people. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. I said it on a podcast.
That's okay. And I didn't give her credit.
That's okay.

Speaker 1 I just feel like I was a thief. That's nice.
That joke was so good. Yeah, that was my wife's job.
It got a huge laugh. What pod?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think about what, but I remember thinking when I said it, I was like, oh my god, what am I mintia? But I was like,

Speaker 1 but I was like, oh, I have to tell them that I said that. Yeah.
I don't want you guys to think that I stole, you know what I mean? It's okay. But that's nice to say that to the audience.

Speaker 1 I mean, this will never cross paths, but tell people the joke. You tell people the joke.
You're the one that told it.

Speaker 1 Well, it's not your wife didn't tell the joke. She just made an observation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a joke. Yeah.
And somebody proposed, you know,

Speaker 1 little people have bad breath. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you're right, proposed, it's because their assholes are closer to their mouth.

Speaker 1 Their esophagus is so short.

Speaker 1 And when she said that, I was like, dude, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. It's a very good joke.
She knocked that one. That's a home.
That was very good. Fucking so funny.
Very good one.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, we have

Speaker 1 never mind. Let's say it.
There's a little people couple in our neighborhood.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they went trick-or-treating last year.

Speaker 1 And they went as full-size people. They wore stilts.
That's clever. No, they didn't do that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I was like, that's genius. No, they didn't do that.
Wow. They didn't do that.
But I am excited to feed the little kids candy because I love, I get excited.

Speaker 1 In fact, anybody who doesn't decorate their house, if you live in a neighborhood where kids come through, right? Well, you're in the hills. No one's going to come up in the hills.

Speaker 1 But if you live in the flats, if you live in a neighborhood that's not hard to get to and you don't decorate the house a little bit and you don't hand out candy, you're a piece of shit person.

Speaker 1 And I mean,

Speaker 1 you're a piece of shit. Because I remember what it felt like when I was a kid, and we would go to houses that were decorated, and it was women.

Speaker 1 It felt like what a fucking cool, weird night where, like, people you never met before open up their home and they give you candy. And it's just,

Speaker 1 and we're all in this together. It's like a mob mentality, but for good.
And then there's, there's people, I remember houses that never turned.

Speaker 1 They turned all the lights off and they never decorated and there was no candy. And I wanted to fucking break all their windows.
Right. And we'd egg those houses.

Speaker 1 When I was a teenager, we'd egg the dark houses. If you didn't decorate, you got egged.
And I think today, kids should be doing that. I think you should be egging houses that don't decorate.

Speaker 1 You know what I would do?

Speaker 1 Smoke meth? No, I would dress up too, right? And when they'd ring my doorbell and I open it, they'd go, trick-or-treat. You know what I'd go? I'd be like, I'd have my own basket.

Speaker 1 I'd go, trick-or-treat!

Speaker 1 Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, reverse psychology.
And then they would have to give me their candy. Smart.

Speaker 1 Smart. Has that ever been done? Oh, yeah.
Got it. Yeah, yeah.
By a mentally unstable person.

Speaker 1 Imagine what Halloween is like in a mental institution. Oh, right.
Everyone's just going around.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Imagine a mental institution during Halloween. Yeah.
They dress up like normal, well, like of full-functioning adults. Yeah.
And they have full conversations like, How was your 401k, Mark?

Speaker 1 They pretend to be totally normal. Yeah, yeah.
That'd be cool then.

Speaker 1 How's your wife and your kids?

Speaker 1 That'd be cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, there was an old woman in our neighborhood who used to hand out change. That's good.
And this is so mean. Then the kids would, when they would leave, they'd throw it at her house.

Speaker 1 Oh, they would? Well, it was like pennies. She'd give you like four pennies.
Oh, wow, wow. So, kids would walk down the street and they would throw it at her house.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was like mean but funny, but like, also, don't give people pennies. What the fuck? Yeah, or don't put razor blades in the apple.
No, no, not in an apple.

Speaker 1 You got to be way more creative nowadays.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You got to put in something that's a little bit tricky. I mean, if you put in a Reese's peanut butter cup, I got to tell you, it lays purple.

Speaker 1 A tootsie roll, you could unwrap that. You could put a needle in there, yeah.
Not a needle, but what's fun to put it. By the way,

Speaker 1 I think this is lore. How many times did they really find...
Who's taking the time to do this? And also, you're going to be able to find the house? Yeah. Well, no, you're not, because you're getting

Speaker 1 it. Wow.
Let me look at that. Whoa, dude.
See, this is my problem. Who does that? Somebody did that.
They put a nail in a fucking Kit Kat. Yeah, somebody's a piece of shit.
What a piece of shit, dude.

Speaker 1 But you know what's crazy? What?

Speaker 1 That's Carlos. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Carlos Zano Caramel Apples is here. What's insane is they say, check your kids' candy.
Do you think parents go through all of their kids' candy? That'd be hard to do. No way.

Speaker 1 Would you let your kid trick-or-treat when your kid's old enough? I think so. Because I never had Halloween when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Do you guys don't do anything like that?

Speaker 1 Now it's universal, but when I was growing up, they had Carnival and things like that, but it wasn't as fun as some of the things that's more.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Right, that's the real Mexican.
Oh, I love Mexicans. Yeah.
This is maybe the dopest photo of Halloween. That's the coolest, yeah.
So cool. So what is

Speaker 1 that makeup?

Speaker 1 The calaberas? The calaberas? Skulks. Skulls.

Speaker 1 What is this called in Spain? This is Dia de los Muertos, but we don't celebrate it like this. No.
Dias de las Muertos. It's more of a

Speaker 1 day of the dead? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you don't celebrate anything anything like that, huh? No, not that. You think it's because you guys have killed so many people for so many centuries, right?

Speaker 1 Yes, and you're afraid they'll all come back and fucking kill you. Yes,

Speaker 1 this reminds me of Coco. I don't know if you saw Coco, one of my favorite movies.
Yeah, dude, that movie made me cry.

Speaker 1 Of course, what do you mean, bald? If you didn't cry at Coco, you're a fucking idea. That movie made me cry, dude.
I love Coco. If you didn't cry at almost every Pixar movie, you're a fucking weirdo.

Speaker 1 Okay, what's the

Speaker 1 most you cried at a Pixar movie?

Speaker 1 I know right now. Go up.

Speaker 1 That's it. The montage scene in Up.
The beginning, yeah. It'll break your little fucking heart.
But the rest of the movie, you don't cry, but you cry there. Yeah.
When his wife dies.

Speaker 1 Beautiful montage.

Speaker 1 I didn't cry at all for Inside Out. That wasn't a cry for me.

Speaker 1 I didn't cry there. I liked it, though.
It was good. It was good.
Yeah, I didn't cry there. And what was one with the black guy who's a jazz musician?

Speaker 1 Eric Griffin? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. So, did you see that? Yeah, but that didn't make me cry either.
I didn't see it. Is it good? It wasn't good.
No, it wasn't that good. Did you see the Asian ones?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Mulan.
Mulan. That's not an.
That's not. Oh, that's not.
Yeah, Mulan, but that's not. You're talking about Pixar? Yeah, they call it Pixar.
Turning Red. Turning Red is my documentary.

Speaker 1 It's also not Turning Red. Is it about Asians who drink? Yes.
I never saw the first movie.

Speaker 1 The first Asian-led movie is what it is.

Speaker 1 The first Asian-led Pixar film? Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 Turning.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is that you, Bob?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And all of the kids got to meet Bobby Lee that day. I did one movie.
It's It's called Wish Dragon, but I don't think anyone saw it. Show me Wish Dragon.
Wish Dragon. Oh, that's so cute.

Speaker 1 Is it all Asian? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you the dragon? No, I'm like a henchman.

Speaker 1 Cool. I'm a henchman.
Who plays the dragon? A famous Asian guy? At the Jackie Chan.

Speaker 1 Really? I think so. He can barely speak English.

Speaker 1 What does that say? There you are. That's you playing the henchman.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that you, Bobby? Oh, Constance Wu, Jimmy Organizer, John Cho.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, that must have made some good money, huh?

Speaker 1 I've never heard of this.

Speaker 1 Is it not out? Maybe it's not out. It's out.
It's been out for years. Fuck you, man.
You've never heard of that? Hey, box office Mojo. And they watch everybody.
That's bad.

Speaker 1 Box Office Mojo, that movie. Dragon, whatever.

Speaker 1 Wish Dragon Box Office Mojo. Let's check it out.
It made 21 million. Holy shit, that's bad.
That movie probably cost like $300 million to make. I know, it was bad.

Speaker 1 It was bad. Wait, $21 million? There was never a United States release.
Right, okay. They only put it there.
They only streamed it. We'll do Wish Dragon budget.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 I play a Henry. Who gives a shit? It's not yours.
I do nothing. Well, they lost $4 million.

Speaker 1 No, plus all the market to him. Right, so they lost 50 million bucks.
Dude, can you imagine being part of a production company?

Speaker 1 That's a great rating, though. 68, 70.
It's really good. Yeah, yeah.
Can you imagine being in the production company and they're like, this is going to be it.

Speaker 1 It's going to be this beautiful animated Asian movie. It's going to crush.
Yeah. And then they're like,

Speaker 1 we lost 50 million.

Speaker 1 It's funny. You know, you have literally no control.
Like when you get like that. No control.
You get it. You go, me? I hope it works.
You want me?

Speaker 1 And then you dream. Yeah.
You go, you know, you kind of go, oh, this is going to be it. And then I'm going to do other things.

Speaker 1 This is going to be my Ted Lapso. It never, it's always like that, and then you're like, oh, I'll wait back in line.
Yeah, I'm back. I'm back where I belong.

Speaker 1 A couple years later, you get something else, and then you go back in line. It's really, when people hit a home run,

Speaker 1 out front, no, people do, though. Yeah, it almost never happens.
Yeah, I know. The point is, it almost never happens.
But people, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know who I think is going to hit a home run soon?

Speaker 1 Fancy.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I actually think something's coming for him.
You know why? This universal thing, I swear to God, I feel like something's coming.

Speaker 1 But what I do want to say that I'm not happy about is this SOS VHS and how we deserve residuals for it.

Speaker 1 You know, it's it's he started that on the heels of this place. He's utilizing all of it on my back.
On our back. You started it on my back, dog, and also on.
Have we gotten paid for that?

Speaker 1 Do we get paid for that? Did you guys get anything you want?

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Insane. Okay,

Speaker 1 the numbers are okay. No.

Speaker 1 You know, they're good. They're good.
It's good for a guy who literally never did podcasting till he came to us. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, some people, you give them a little

Speaker 1 mile.

Speaker 1 They take the whole lampana. I've seen you on stage before.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you seen him at the live shows? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do I watch him when we're doing it? No, and when he walks out, I can see the crowd cheering.

Speaker 1 And I can see his ego and everything. He just gets out like it's a drug.
Yeah. You're addicted to it.
Why do you then do this? You're projecting. You're projecting.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Start a fight, dude. I'm not projecting, dude.
Dude, you better leave Barbie alone. You saw me going to the stage.
I'm shaking. He is with excitement.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 George has it. Yeah, George, though.
George is sick.

Speaker 1 He wants it. He loves the fame.
What about you, Carlos? You know he loves the fame. He's fucking eating it up.
Yeah, it's nice. Is your Instagram following growing? Yeah.
Are you getting a lot of DMs?

Speaker 1 Because I saw you

Speaker 1 in Boston. Remember what I whisper to you? Yeah, it was so

Speaker 1 on stage. Do you feel like like you're a big deal?

Speaker 1 No, he said that to me when I grabbed him out of the elevator at the hotel. Do you feel like you're a big deal? No, and then I yelled, you're projecting onto it.
No, no, no. You are a big deal.

Speaker 1 Act like you're a big deal. It's so not true, bro.

Speaker 1 If your actions correlate with how you feel. But I don't act like you're a big deal.
I mean, his head is getting bigger for sure. Oh, my God.
And this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You have, like, when you pick us up at the hotel and stuff to go to the venue, you have this when you're walking this way, guys, and you're like, almost what you like, get out of the way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm trying to do my job well. Important people are coming through.
And when I look at you, I go, just calm down, dude. You're not that big of a deal.
It's because you were. Bobby's power hungry.

Speaker 1 A little bit, dude. Be honest.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Are you a little power hungry? Just a tiny bit.
Okay. Yeah.
That's okay. At least

Speaker 1 admit it. Yeah.
Projection. See, you like it, too.
You think I?

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm like, not me, dude.

Speaker 1 You think me? You think me? Yes. I think you.
Bobby. Oh, give me an example why I'm power hungry.
No, I think you like like power. You like fame.
No, no, I know. When I'm at the venues,

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 I'm scared. That's so not true.

Speaker 1 Who asked more of a star, him or me?

Speaker 1 I think you. You.

Speaker 1 You hide in the green room. That's what shy people.
What the stars do. That's what the stars do.
Oh, they do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Andrew says hi to like the stage hands. Wait, we hide? I go say hi to everybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to talk to them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're probably, every time I meet a stage channel, I go, Are you related to me? They're probably family members of mine. Yeah.
As many labor as I have. What is this video? Oh, gosh.

Speaker 1 It's actually the Bigfoot. And also,

Speaker 1 can we do this? What is this? Oh, yeah. Well, let's see this real fast.
What is this? It's a new Bigfoot video. It's pretty crazy.
Dude, I saw this. Tell me if you think this is bullshit.

Speaker 1 I've never seen it. So, this couple from a Colorado train says they captured this

Speaker 1 and it's a video of a Bigfoot. Okay.
Now loop it again. Go backwards.
You can see. Look at that.
Oh, wow. It's a Bigfoot.
Shut up, Fancy. Oh, wow.
God damn it.

Speaker 1 What do you think? I like how they're highlighted, like, you didn't see it. Wow.
What do you think?

Speaker 1 Any hid down? I just.

Speaker 1 I got to say this. If this was coordinated, pretty good timing on a moving train going on to Colorado because this is far away.
Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 That's not no Bigfoot did. But if Bigfoot...

Speaker 1 Who is that? What is that? It's like a Duncan Trussell. You think that's DT? No, but it's that type of dude.
You know, those guys are like, I'm going to live in the wild.

Speaker 1 And go do something fucked up. That's Arizona.
Yeah, yeah. You know, Ari Shafir, like hairy, out there.
I want to be detached from society. I just don't get it.
That's a hairy thing. It's weird.

Speaker 1 You can't really tell, but also, dude. But it's in the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 1 They did say it's in the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 1 Also, of all the places that I thought Bigfoot would be, not in Colorado. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought it'd be way up north in Canada.

Speaker 1 And he decides to, in open sun, sit in the middle.

Speaker 1 He would sit behind a tree or under the... Why would he do this? Well, he's going to get food or something.
Or

Speaker 1 take a shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is weird. He does blend in really well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do we think? Do we think this is real?

Speaker 1 I got to see a body, dude.

Speaker 1 We got to kill it. Well, we got to kill it.
Yeah, I got to kill one and see.

Speaker 1 What if when Jesus came back, he came back as Bigfoot?

Speaker 1 Wow. That's how he hit it all these years.
He's just super invasive. He's just having fun with us.

Speaker 1 What is this thing we're gonna do? Yo, what is this? Let's do it. Oh no.

Speaker 1 Hey, Andrew. Hey, Bobby.

Speaker 1 You've been really, really bad friends.

Speaker 2 And now you have to prove that you care about the ones who work so hard for you.

Speaker 2 We have

Speaker 2 been to glory holes and milking tables for you. At least one of us has.

Speaker 2 Only one.

Speaker 2 Anyway, in front of each of you, there is a color.

Speaker 2 Please put it on.

Speaker 2 This won't work unless you put it on, so please put it on. I'll wait.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you gonna put it on? I don't want to be shocked. Does it hurt? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's for sure. It hurts.
It's not on. Let me see.
Set it off. It's not on.
It's not on.

Speaker 1 Makong got the wrong thing, so this is a barking thing. It doesn't work.
It's just a... now it's not.
Do we believe these fucking guys?

Speaker 1 No, for real. Macon got the wrong one, so I can't.
I don't do the remote control. So how does it work? You have to bark like a dog.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Put it on and bark.
Oh, you put it on and bark. Roo! Roo! Roo! Wait, put it on against your arm.
It has to be against your throat. No, who doesn't know if it's a throat?

Speaker 1 Roo! Roo! Roo! Roo! Ruff!

Speaker 1 Nothing. This is them fucking with us, just making us bark at these collars.
That's so funny. I'm being fucked up.
You fucking asshole.

Speaker 1 That was good.

Speaker 1 That is very fucking funny. Dude, that's very good.
Fuck you. No, that's good.
You got us. That's embarrassing, dude.

Speaker 1 If you fucking do something, Carlos, I'll fucking beat the shit out of you. I'm dead to you.
I'll fuck you up.

Speaker 1 You fucking dicks. I want to say something, Carlos? Yeah, what's up?

Speaker 1 I will give you $1,000 in cash if you shot him.

Speaker 1 There's no remote, I promise you.

Speaker 1 I'll give you 10 grand to fucking.

Speaker 1 Wait, this is not.

Speaker 1 I'm a Bui Man. I'm like, I'm a wee man.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're obeying the orders. Okay, so this obviously Spanish.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, it's so funny when you hear him, he's like, your people have done so much for you.

Speaker 1 Of all the people that speak clear, coherent English at the studio, I found it to be a lot more menacing. Yeah, with a Spanish accent.
It's a little bit more menacing.

Speaker 1 All right, let's see the rest of the video.

Speaker 1 Is there something that's going to.

Speaker 2 You have to answer two or three questions correctly. for every wrong answer? You get a shocking surprise.

Speaker 2 Answer wisely.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 When did bad friends start? What are you wanting to know? What year?

Speaker 1 No, this is good. Now I wish we did have the shockers.

Speaker 1 2020.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 What is what?

Speaker 1 This is just for them to have fun. Yeah, go.
What is the do it? This is the soft voice. At this point, this has nothing to do with us.

Speaker 1 Get it out.

Speaker 1 Oh my god!

Speaker 1 Go!

Speaker 1 Get it out!

Speaker 1 Oh my god, you can't get he can't get through it.

Speaker 1 What is Carlos's birthday? Month.

Speaker 1 The month, Carlos's birthday month. April.

Speaker 1 I can't hear what he's saying.

Speaker 1 No surprise. Yeah.
No shocks. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What part of Spain is fancy from?

Speaker 1 Southern.

Speaker 1 That's not true. Okay.
Shocking.

Speaker 1 Got it wrong, baby.

Speaker 1 You lost.

Speaker 1 It's not funny, dude.

Speaker 1 He just said that it wasn't on and

Speaker 2 happy Halloween.

Speaker 1 And thank you for being a best friend.