Is It Poo Or Is It Cake?

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Bad friends live! And we're at the tail end of our trend. We're going to go back.
We're going to tail end. This is.

Speaker 1 And we're, dude, we've got a special show.

Speaker 1 And if you don't go, dude, you're dumb, dude. You're dumb, dumb.
Dude, we're coming up in Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 Denver, then Denver. Denver, Colorado.
You've got to get tickets now. That's right.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yep.
Chicago, Illinois, my hometown. Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Speaker 1 Where you're from, Minnesota. What happened to me there? And then the very last date is Madison, Wisconsin.
Yeah, go check it out, dude. So let me tell you something.
D.C.,

Speaker 1 you're up next. Then Denver, get ready.
Get ready.

Speaker 1 We're strolling down the line in front of the Midwest. We love you guys.
Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com.
If it hits my face from there, right? I'll promote tomorrow.

Speaker 1 If I can spit a nick and hit your face, you'll promote tomorrow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll blow my back up doing this. Ready? Yeah.
Please, guys.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 shoulder. Shoulder, dude.

Speaker 1 Try what?

Speaker 1 If he just hits my head. Shoulder.
I'm not promoting tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I'm not promoting them. I'm not going to promote anything.
You fucking fat.

Speaker 1 There we go. There we go.
There we go. There's the hostility.

Speaker 1 Dude, you don't know how to take a fucking loss, dude. I should just learn from you, dude.
I don't know how to take losses. Yeah?

Speaker 1 I'm the L King, yeah.

Speaker 1 Great news.

Speaker 1 That's she's great.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Well, here's the deal about Halloween. Yeah.
We're not going to be here this year. And last year.
Where were you? I'm going to be. I'll be.
Where are we going to be? I won't be here.

Speaker 1 Where am I going to be? Well, you'll be here, kiddo. You'll be here, bud.
Oh, then I'm going to be here.

Speaker 1 But wherever you're going to be, there's still going to be Halloween. Yeah, but I won't have to hand out candy this year.
I've never handed out candy.

Speaker 1 I turn all the lights off. Well, kids don't go to the hill.
Who's going to the hills to get fucking candy? That's what I'm going to do. Look at Hollywood Hills.
I still turn off the lights. For who?

Speaker 1 Your neighbors?

Speaker 1 I do it it for Jehovah's Witness and Halloween. You don't want to talk to some Jay Wits? No, dude.
Really? Yeah, I'm always like in the dark like this, seeing them walk by.

Speaker 1 See, I like to hand out candy. Don't you think it's cute when the kids come through?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my last place was such a trap house. I didn't want anyone coming up there.

Speaker 1 You didn't want to give them some fentanyl on the way home? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 why candy, though? Huh? We should switch it up. No, it's easier to lure them in with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I mean,

Speaker 1 wouldn't a taller be cool? or do you want a king-size?

Speaker 1 Huh? Oh, come on in.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't a dollar be cool? Yeah, there, there were always, that's so funny you say that. There were Asians in my neighborhood that handed out that's right, that's why we did it.
You handed out money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a dollar. What is that with you guys? We love it.
Money is better than candy. I'll tell you that right now.
Because money gets you candy. Dude, for fucking Christmas, let me say something.

Speaker 1 Let me say something about Christmas, dude. Okay.
Growing up, when we were six years old, my dad goes, no more.

Speaker 1 He goes, no more Christmas tree.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 when I was five, they put one up and it stayed in the house all year round. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 But to the point where all the pine fell off. Needles.
Is that what it is? The needles, yeah. Yeah.
So it was just branches. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. So all your, and then my mom would put squid on it.

Speaker 1 What? You had to dry the squid. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like laundry. Well, laundry makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like laundry and like dried squid on this fucking branch tree.

Speaker 1 And my dad won, he goes, no more.

Speaker 1 That's really the nightmare before Christmas. That's what that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the most impressive thing you ever got?

Speaker 2 For Christmas? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, my dad would give me those Visa gift cards, but I was like, I wish you put some thought into this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what is about you guys and thoughts? I don't know.

Speaker 1 You white people with your thoughts.

Speaker 2 Your brother's not one.

Speaker 1 I want feeling with it. Yeah, we do.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Every year, like Kalila, right? I would just go, here's an iPad.

Speaker 1 And she was. But she's like, you know, you know, every year I get an iPad.
But she's. I know, but that's $800.

Speaker 1 She's mixed, right? Yeah, but she's still white. The white side was like.
The white side was like,

Speaker 1 I want thoughts. Yeah, it'd be nice to get an iPad and a note.
No, note. What's the note for? Show some love.
Yeah. No, I say it verbally.
Do it to me right now. Give me a note.
Okay, dear.

Speaker 1 Wait, who are you? Me.

Speaker 1 Do you have to be you? I'm me, homie. I don't want you to be you, honestly.
I don't love me to be. Be just some, my neighbor, John.
I'm John, your neighbor. Okay, dear John.

Speaker 1 what a beautiful neighbor you are. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Are you okay, John? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, you know, it's so, what a joy this time of year to share my holiday greetings with my neighbor, John. Anyway, happy Christmas.
I have cancer.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I go, bye.

Speaker 1 Oh, here's our iPad. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. A re-edition Hushbish.
Yeah. But what I'm saying is, is you guys, especially women, with their, I want feeling, you know, it's like.
Yeah, we want some emotional attachment.

Speaker 1 No, no, like that's more important than the gift.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.
Yes, it is. Oh, so you'd rather have, okay, you'd rather, let me say something, all right?

Speaker 1 You'd rather, you. Okay.
I'm sorry. A lot of white women in the studio today.
I don't care if fuck it. You're outnumbered.
It's getting me crazy. I know.
Enough of the pumpkin spice.

Speaker 1 It's not a good flavor. I agree with you.
This is bullshit. It's not a good flavor.
It's never been a good flavor. Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 You're never going to stop that. Yes.

Speaker 1 And stopping. That skin has no business.
White people, stop crocheting. No, no, no.
That one I'm cool with.

Speaker 1 And you're batmitting. We need batmitten.
I love it. I'm tired of your white waves.
You don't want to smack a shuttlecock once in a while.

Speaker 1 It's called a shuttlecock. You don't want to smack that thing around.
Yeah, you don't want to smack a cock in the backyard. I'm sorry.
But so no more pumpkin spice

Speaker 1 and no more thoughts. No, thoughts are nice.
Because let me say something. And this year, for your birthday,

Speaker 1 Because you did such a great job on my birthday. Thank you.
I'm going to have to put some thoughts into it. Yes.

Speaker 1 But I don't want to.

Speaker 1 that's why it means something that's why it means something yeah but you're the only one I'm gonna give you thoughts I like that yeah yeah I like that

Speaker 1 I'm like I'm we're I'm going to Hawaii with a young lady

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 all right private jet

Speaker 1 no first class spirit yeah

Speaker 1 oh yeah you give her the window seat yeah yeah um WestJet

Speaker 1 WestJet back right and you know you gotta stop by Canada first? Yeah. So you're going to Hawaii with a nice young sweet.
What am I saying is. And you're going to rebuild houses?

Speaker 1 That's no, we're going to find kids first. What are you going to do with them? You know, I mean, there's some people missing, so we're going to go to Maui and find some kids.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're to search for the universe. That's nice.
But then we're going to tan too and eat nice food.

Speaker 1 And this is how I tan right here. Like this.

Speaker 1 But anyway,

Speaker 1 that alone, right, is a thoughtful thing that I'm going to. Taking someone to Maui.

Speaker 1 Like when I take you to dinner and I pay for it, right? Yeah. Do I pay for it?

Speaker 2 You always do.

Speaker 1 I always do, right? Yeah. That's thoughtful.
I love those. But I don't have to say it and I don't have to put any thought into it.
Right. Yeah.
But, you know, the gesture is nice.

Speaker 1 I do every day, I do generous gestures of love. Give me a GG of love right now.
What did you do today? What's a generous gesture of love that you did today? To you? In general, that you did today.

Speaker 1 What did you do today? You said you do them every day. What's today? Oh,

Speaker 1 I know. Okay.
Today's Tuesday.

Speaker 1 You got your nails done. That's not it, though.
You got your hands shortened. No, no, no.
I mean, no, I got it. No, I got my nails done.
Oh, right, right. I don't know if they're shrunk.

Speaker 1 So I go to a place where you know with a bunch of

Speaker 1 hold on, let me see. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beverly Hills housewives. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They've got work done. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. And they're always, they're always like,

Speaker 1 they're always like,

Speaker 1 right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And I give the $100

Speaker 1 tip, hands and foot. What? Separate.
$100 a piece? Yeah. That's insane.

Speaker 1 That's generous. Is that thoughts? No.
That's just

Speaker 1 thoughts. That's rich guy shit.
Yeah. Yeah, but still, dude, I'm telling you right now.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call somebody out right now.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call somebody out right now, dude. All right.
Okay. Well, I'm not going to say his name, but you can guess.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He wrote a bunch of spiritual books, very popular spiritual. L.
Ron Hubbard.

Speaker 1 Someone like that. All right.

Speaker 1 And so I used to work at a restaurant way, way back. We know.
Okay. Yeah.
And the spiritual guy used to come in there and he wouldn't tip that well. And we knew that he had money.
But we talked about.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? Ram Das or whatever his name is? Not Ram Das.
What are you fucking talking about? Ram Das would tip. Yeah, yeah.
Jesus, Ram Das. He would all tip.
What's going on with you? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ram Das. Was that a joke or was that an honest guess? No, I thought it would, because he's by San Diego sometimes, so I really thought.
When's the last time you jerked off?

Speaker 1 You look, you feel like you're built up.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. I hooked up with the girl last night.
Come?

Speaker 1 She had a shirt that said, I love you. Did you come? Yes, I can.
Okay. All right.
We'll get to that in a second. Yeah, yeah.
Give me back to the famous guy who tip didn't tip. Four days, by the way.

Speaker 1 Huh? Four days. For you? Yeah.
Someone's holding out. I'm holding out.
That thing is going to.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Four days. So hard.
And last night was the toughest one. I know.
Last night was. Pumping up up that balloon.
It's going to pop up. I was playing Starfield, right?

Speaker 1 You were just coming during Starfield. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah. So exciting, the game.
No, I'm playing Starfield and I'm on a planet and I'm like, you know, at a weapons installation. Got it.

Speaker 1 But let me finish. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? There's too many details. Just and

Speaker 1 also like the Crimson Fleets there. So I'm going around right with my fucking gun.
I got a new gun that, you know what I mean? Upgrades and stuff in my house in

Speaker 1 Aquila City. I have a house in Aquila killer city oh cool

Speaker 1 let me finish

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 and so i'm like you know snipe snipe snipe snipe snipe yeah yeah yeah but my dick is like snipe snipe too oh see what i'm saying got it do you understand you're ready to snipe right and i'm like hello toke you know what's my penises tokey dum dum the dum dum the dum dum sorry apologize what the fuck dude i know i know yeah don't want to offend the guy tokey the dum dum right was up

Speaker 1 ready to go, right?

Speaker 2 Man, this story is like your sex life. Like, is he ever going to finish?

Speaker 1 That's a zinger, dude. Thank you.
That's a zinger, dude. I like it.
Montreal next year.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Montreal next year.

Speaker 1 Few faces. Anyway, um,

Speaker 1 uh-oh. We'll be right back.
I'll take back what I said. I'm sorry.
Did you do that? I hope not. When you give him a good zinger, that's like when you poke one of those voodoo dolls.

Speaker 1 I'll never choke again. So anyway, I'm fine.
This guy didn't tip very well down in rich guy style. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Well, no, I pinched the head of my dick.

Speaker 1 Let me finish last night.

Speaker 1 I like how these two things are kind of.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like a I'm like a Tarantino movie, dude. You really are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I pinched the head of my dick,

Speaker 1 and he went,

Speaker 1 but then he went back to sleep.

Speaker 1 I did like a... Well, you tapped him out.
I did a rear nick and choke. I did a rear nick of choke to my dick, dude.
You tapped out your dick? I tapped out my dick, dude.

Speaker 1 And he's like, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Right, right? There was no ref.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's no ref. No, that's it.

Speaker 1 Yes, I can let him pass out. Wow.
Yeah. You know, because my fingers are like, you know, black belt and jiu-jitsu.

Speaker 1 So I pinched him out. He felt.
Anyway, back to the spiritual guy. He didn't tip that well every time.
And I know a lot of guys that don't. So for you, you know, when I went to the

Speaker 1 remote. Nail salon.
Yeah, so don't do that.

Speaker 1 Don't not tip. No, I'm just saying, don't say that because I have a little bit of money and I tip.
That was still generous on me. First of all, $100 is more than generous.
That's rich guy shit.

Speaker 1 $20 a person would have been generous.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you why I do that, though? Because you only have hundreds. No.
Well, that's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's true. Yeah.
Let me look at my there is no, there's no small bills. That's the problem.
Let me look. Same thing.
We were, what, we were valeting somewhere. I said, do you have any money?

Speaker 1 I said, just give me a couple bucks. $100 bill.
It's like, I can't give that to the valet. That's insane.
Why would it, that's, that's too much money. You would have done that, though.

Speaker 1 Look, hundred, hundred, hundreds, hundreds. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, they're all hundreds. Right.
So that's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah.
But do you know why, though? Get smaller bills. No, but guess why?

Speaker 1 Do you know why? Because you get paid in hundreds. From where? Shows.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
So it's not.

Speaker 1 But go to a thing and break it. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
What was I saying? Give that money to the girls. No, I don't want to.
Give it to the girls. Damn, I love money.
Look at them.

Speaker 1 They do not. Yeah, look at them.
They do not change before the show. Pumpkin Spice Girls.
Are they pumpkin spice girls? Yeah. Pumpkin spice girls.

Speaker 1 Look at them.

Speaker 1 They crochet. Well, one of them nips.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess which one nits? They probably have an ottoman.
Do you have an ottoman? What do you mean? I have an ottoman at the house? Gay. Gay.

Speaker 1 Who's gay here? Right? Well, it's easier to blow my boyfriend when my knees are on the ottoman. I don't want to go on the ground.

Speaker 1 I bet you money, you girls, right? Have nooks. Yeah, they have a nook.
A reading nook. A reading nook.
A breakfast nook. And you probably have candles that smell nice, right?

Speaker 1 I love candles. I refuse.
I love it. No thoughts and no candles.
These are all good. And you probably have a barrel of rice somewhere.
I mean, yeah. We all have our things.

Speaker 1 We all have our things. Okay.
All right. All right.
Anyway. You don't have good smelling candles at the house? I actually do.
Yeah, I do. I just bought some.

Speaker 1 I bought a gigantic Santel one. I love those.
It's a gigantic Santel 33 from

Speaker 1 Lalabo.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I got a gigantic.
It was so expensive. Give me, what, six, seven hundred dollars? A thousand.
No.

Speaker 1 I don't want to talk about it now because of the. Tell me how much.
Tell me how much. The big deal.
Well, I bought two candles and a gigantic one and then two sprays. I spent about 400 bucks, maybe.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, that's not bad.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's a lot of money, but I thought it would, for some reason in my mind, I thought that was going to be one of those.

Speaker 1 FYI, I don't really have a lot of money. ¿Qué los dorata? Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's move on.

Speaker 1 I thought, by the way, I thought when Oliver was here, he was going to get you to put down the vape. He did make it seem like he was going to get you to stop vaping.

Speaker 1 Well, whose fault is this? The guest in the room, whose fault was Jules.

Speaker 1 Wait, whose fault is the Jules? Why I'm smoking Jules again? Carlos. Thank you.
Well, I mean, I know. Thank you.
You fucked me up again. You know, you fucked me up.
How did I fuck you up?

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll tell you this. Okay, you tell me everything.
You gave me a hundred milligram edible. It got me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa, a couple years ago. I'm sober now, almost two years.
Yeah, it lifted me into another level of weed use, and I've never gone back.

Speaker 2 So he forced you to eat it?

Speaker 1 Well, he offered it to me, and, you know, I didn't want to deny it. So I put you at another level of consciousness.
Yeah, I like it. Yeah, good.

Speaker 1 also. And you're probably dreaming better.

Speaker 1 That night, I did dream really well. You're welcome.

Speaker 2 And then he employed you and pays your rents.

Speaker 1 And I employed you. He employ you and pay your bills

Speaker 1 and whatnot and such. Thank you for everything.
Did you get your car fixed? You know, he got his car keyed? Oh, shit. The first fucking week, this guy's got a car.
It gets keyed. Yeah.
This guy.

Speaker 1 You got it fixed? No, I'm not. No, you're never going to get fixed.
That's what I said.

Speaker 1 My car? That's what I said. Well, you're never going to get that fixed.
I'm never going to get that fixed. Everybody at the comedy store, there's a running bet on if you're going to fix it.

Speaker 1 Are you really?

Speaker 2 Richie over there is like, just let me fix it for you Yeah, let's see

Speaker 1 yeah, he wants he wants to fix it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like I wish we could show a photo to the fans of your car. It's hysterical.

Speaker 1 You know when you see a car people at home, you know when you see a car that's in one of the junkyards and it gets smushed from one of those machines? His is like if they did it to the sides.

Speaker 1 They smashed the sides and they picked it up and moved it. Well, I know it's not your fault, but it's hysterical.
It's been that way for what, six months? A year? Yeah. I just, okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, I just don't know what to do. Well, do you want me to do it for you? Because I would be.
I know you gave me a guy. Then I had my guy call the guy.
We made an appointment.

Speaker 1 They go, okay, come at three o'clock or whatever, whatever, right? I just never showed up. Well, that's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 By the way, Mike. You have to show up.
My guy's so good. He'll fix it for.
I mean, it's. I know.
The guy, we contacted that guy. That guy was like an easy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And when we go on tour the next time, this time. We're getting it fixed.
We're getting it fixed. I like it.

Speaker 1 All right. Tell us about your little expedition the other night.
Oh, I went on a date with this girl. Yeah.
And she shows up wearing a tank top that says, I love come.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 In public? Yeah, in Echo Park. Oh, man.
I get back in my car and go home. No, she's hot.
Why? She's Italian. That means she.

Speaker 1 You're gonna walk around with a girl that has a shirt on that says, I love cum. Let me say something, okay? To be fair, if I'm a smoothie, huh? If I'm a smoothie, you're not.

Speaker 1 I know, but let's suppose I was a smoothie hypothetical. I see it now.
You see it, right? And I'm like, you know, a banana smoothie. Oh, yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 And, um, chocolate lovers. And

Speaker 1 I want someone to drink me, right? I'm going to drink it. And I'm on a hinge.

Speaker 1 I match with a girl. Oh, I thought you said unhinged.
Right. So I...
True. You know what I mean? They don't have leg smoothies.
No. Right.
But, you know, I mean, I get to the house, I knock, right?

Speaker 1 And the door opens and she goes, I love smoothies. Oh, I drink smoothies or whatever.
I would be excited. That's what I'm saying.
Right. But in this scenario, it's too real.
You have cum inside you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She likes the cum.
Right. You like it when the cum is being retrieved from your body.
Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah, I do.
You don't like it when it's released from your body.

Speaker 1 No, but it's more fun when I don't really know how much she loves it. Yeah.
Yeah, but what if she didn't like it at all? Let me give you a better example. Okay, go ahead.
All right.

Speaker 1 Sorry, that was an addict. When I go to my family's, no, it's a great example.
When I go to my family's house,

Speaker 1 like my extended family,

Speaker 1 and they cook a dish that I like,

Speaker 1 that's a fun surprise.

Speaker 1 I don't need to know the whole time that the dish is on its way. I like to be surprised.
Right. I like to get through.
But what if they bring out poo?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 See, that's what I'm saying. Oh, you're thinking they might flip it on you.
Yeah, they might flip it on you, right? So. Wouldn't it be cool? What's your favorite dish? Of all time?

Speaker 1 No, the dish that you're at home and

Speaker 1 it's a surprise or whatever. Lasagna.
Oh, great. Love it.
Lasagna. So you're sitting there, right? You smell lasagna, right? You're at the dinner table, right? They light the candles, you know.

Speaker 1 What are the candles for? Oh, the smell good in the room? Yeah, yeah. The whole house smells like lasagna.
What do you think? Yeah, yeah. And there's like the flavor of the candle is pumpkin spicy.

Speaker 1 No, I don't like the. Oh, whatever.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay. I'm blowing them out.
And you're like, you're looking at the nook and you're like, what book am I going to read? And you, I want to put my feet up on that ottoman, right?

Speaker 1 Like what she knitted, right? And then, in your head, right, and you're like, I smell lasagna's coming, right? And then they bring out poo.

Speaker 1 So, what I'm saying is, is that

Speaker 1 if your aunt had lasagna's coming on her shirt,

Speaker 1 you had some weird dates, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, is it poo or is it cake?

Speaker 2 That's a good show.

Speaker 1 Is it poo or is it cake? You should have. I think, I don't think my, I don't think it could, you got it.
What I was saying,

Speaker 1 no one else on planet Earth understood what I was saying. But you know what? Imagine if you had to eat it first.
Yeah, that's me. Is it poo or is it cake?

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to cut it except eat. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying.
Okay, good. Let's hear the rest of this bullshit on the same date.
A girl who wrote, I love calm on her shirt, which, by the way, it's not sold.

Speaker 1 You can't scoop that up at American Eagle. That's a custom shirt she had made.
Well, yeah, she told me.

Speaker 1 She went down to the Santa Monica Pier for the same guy that does like caricatures, and he's like, You want a shirt? What do you want it to say? Yeah, she liked it. It said, I love cum.

Speaker 1 And it did get me a little excited. But then, to be fair, you do forget about it after a while.
You forget that she's wearing a shirt that says, I love cum?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because she has a jacket and like it just says, I love C for a second. So you could kind of forget about the whole thing.
Yeah, I wouldn't forget. Oh, so the C is in the middle of the shirt?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it says C-U-M.

Speaker 1 No, it's vertical. It's C-U-M.
Oh, it's a, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So what I also want to know is where did you take this human on a date?

Speaker 1 Oh, so we went on a walk with Archie, my dog, at the park. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Not to a restaurant or a facility or a bar. That was her fucking idea.
I'm normally not the, oh, let's go on a walk guy. Like, that's crazy.
That's not crazy. I think that's a nice date.

Speaker 1 See, well, I never do that. I'm just like, meet me at a bar or restaurant.
No, no, no. Take a walk.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we go to a bar. I can't bring my dog in.
So I go, why don't we just go to my place? Oh, a little trickery.

Speaker 1 Trickery.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's a little trickery. That's wizardry at hand.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Well, she invited me to her place. So I was like, no, we'll go to my place.
I knew my place would be nice.

Speaker 1 That's Expelius Seminus. You did a little fucking trickery on her, right? Harry Potter did.
Thank you, dude. Expelius Simeus, dude.
Expelius Seminus. Yeah, yeah.
Here's the problem.

Speaker 1 Now you're going to employ this in the future because you know you can take the dog out and go, we can't bring the dog in here. Oh, a million percent.
Right. So it just taught him a new move.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now he's going to take the dog on all the dates and go, you guys don't take dogs to here? And they're like, no. Is it a service dog? And he's like, well, yeah.
And they're like, I'm sorry we don't.

Speaker 1 He's like, this is embarrassing. Yeah.
And this is my best friend. You're not going to let me and my best friend and meet this new girl I'm dating.
I mean, this is a fucking move, dude. I know.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. This is a huge move for you.
Yeah. So you guys went right back to your place and that's it.
What if she says, though, what if she says, well, just drop the dog off and then we'll go.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I was like, let's just go to my place.
She was all in. No, he's asking you a question, an alternative.
This, he's calling it a bunch of people. What an alternative.
What's the question?

Speaker 1 If she says, drop the dog off of the house, I want to go back to the bar.

Speaker 1 That's a lot of driving. To go all the way home.
Okay, good, good, good.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to be deliberate. I got to tell you, you're, if you say that to her, you're kind of cutting yourself out.

Speaker 2 Keep in mind, she loves.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, she loves it. Okay, let me, okay, you're in the place now.
Yeah. Because I have certain moves.
Okay. Well, don't give them away on the show.
I'm never going to say my moves. I hear you.

Speaker 1 No, I'm going to write a book one day. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Bobby's moves. Yeah, you'll write.
Yeah, you'll write a book. You're going to love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll write a book.

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Speaker 1 They're chilling like a

Speaker 1 cheese. They're hanging out.
Yeah, dude. Like you and I.
Bobby's wearing sheaths now. He wears them all the time.
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Speaker 1 What do you do? Do you go... The movie is sitting outside on my deck.
What? I like, we like chill outside on the deck, smoke weed, have some. Oh, you smoke weed, do drugs? It's not drugs.

Speaker 1 I'm not giving her fentanyl. I know, I know, but still, weed is a drug.
Well, they're not going to be sober.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I know. All right, so you smoke weed, you giggle, you tell a joke.
Yeah, we talk about things. We go, oh, you probably Google like dwarf skeletons.
No, that's only

Speaker 1 right. That's a good one.
No, I can't do it. Give us a topic on a date that you bring up in a conversation.
Yeah, you're the girl. Yeah.
Yes, I am. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 This is a nice deck. Oh, thanks.
I just moved in here. Cool.
Yeah. What do you pay for rent here?

Speaker 1 Like $3,500. That sounds right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you want to smoke a joint?

Speaker 1 I'm going to light one. Okay, cool.
That's cool. Do you want some? No, I'm okay.
It's pretty good. I'd rather have cum

Speaker 1 right this way.

Speaker 1 Okay. Whoa.
I guess that worked. Yeah.
Wow. Did she keep the I Love Cum shirt on while you guys were hooking up? No.
That would have been funny. Yeah, it would have been, but no, she.

Speaker 1 You're taking each other's clothes off.

Speaker 1 When does she smoke the cum? She's. I'd rather come, right?

Speaker 1 I smoke it.

Speaker 1 I did go to a girl's place, and out of nowhere, she lights heroin on a spoon. It starts bubbling like pulp fiction.
Out of nowhere? Let me tell you something. I bet you it wasn't out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 You're right. It was an escort.
It was Hollywood. Yeah, yeah.
An escort in Hollywood. Who's an escort?

Speaker 1 No regular Joe Schmo

Speaker 1 is just lighting up H on a spoon, like, whoa, where did that come from? I bet you the circumstances led themselves to know this person's going to do heroin. Can I say that?

Speaker 1 I was at the Korean spa at two in the morning the other night. And it was on, on, so I was on Western and Wilshire.
Sixth. Like in that area, right?

Speaker 1 And then, you know, there's a string of prostitutes out there. And I stopped and I had my window rolled down.
And I see a prostitute. And she looks, and I, I went, hi.

Speaker 1 She said hi? I did. Why? I don't know why.

Speaker 1 You were playing with fire. You wanted.
No, I didn't know what to do. So I go, hi.

Speaker 1 And she's like, she did something with her friends. Like, move on.
Cop, cop, cop, cop. Right away.
Really? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You'd feel like a cop.
I'd be like, that's a cop. Hi.
And I roll.

Speaker 1 I was like, why'd you say hi like that? I've never been propositioned.

Speaker 1 I had a girl look at my car, then like look at me, and then go,

Speaker 1 and then look the other way. I've never even had a.
You look like a cop then, too. I look like a cop, 100%.
Yeah. I rolled out my window once in Hollywood and just stopped where they all are.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I have my door unlocked. Yeah.
And I just wanted to see what would happen. Waiting for one to get in.
Yeah. And one did get in, but it was

Speaker 1 not a woman. What? It was a man dressed like a woman, and I went, Oh, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

Speaker 2 He was also wearing an I Love Come shirt, by the way.

Speaker 1 Same guy, but I was really lucky he, she got out of the car. They got out of the car, teach yourself the right shit.
All right, Pal. I have a story to tell, yeah, please.

Speaker 1 So, one time I gotta say this guy's name. So, there's a comic name.

Speaker 1 Do you remember him? Yeah, I remember that guy. Right.
So, one night he was like

Speaker 1 after a show, we're at the store. He's like, Let's go down to Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 I go, Is there a restaurant there? It's like one in the morning. There's stuff to eat down there.
I know. And I go, where is it? No, no, no.
Let's get,

Speaker 1 you know, prostitute. Oh.
I go, but they're all guys down there. He's like, dude, you're not going to know the difference.

Speaker 1 Really? You're not going to know the difference. Well, some of them are really hot.
I've seen some really hot transport. I mean, I would know the difference.
I think I would know the difference.

Speaker 1 I think I would know the difference.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I don't know the difference. No, no.

Speaker 1 No, we don't. Wait, sometimes you don't know the difference? What? You don't see the Adams apple? I don't look there.
I'm not looking at your throat when I meet you. Oh, you don't look at the throat.

Speaker 1 That's the key. Never look at the throat.

Speaker 1 Look at the throat. That makes sense.
It's more just like... Hands, you don't look at the hands either.
No, and that's what happened.

Speaker 1 So the guy who got in the car, it was like a black guy, huge hands. I was just like, dude, this is not a good thing.
You got to be careful letting people into your world like this. I know.

Speaker 1 Did you see this cop that hooked up in the backseat of his cruiser? Did you see this? No. They have it on video.
It's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1 He's like hooking up with this chick and then they get in the backseat of his cop car in like broad daylight. It wasn't even like trying to be discreet.
You saw this fans? It's crazy. No.

Speaker 1 But then apparently he says, it was in the news. Apparently he said that it was consensual and they had done this before.
He stopped someone and then but it looked like

Speaker 1 it obviously looked like he was being bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you? Those are good lyrics. You should write a song.
Seriously? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's really cool. Bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you?

Speaker 1 Like, that's essentially

Speaker 1 like a lyrical, you know. Like a vibe? Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 What is it? Say it again. Bad boy, bad boy.
Bad boy, bad boy. What you going to do? Oh, this is great.
Britney Spears dancing with knives. Let's take a look at this real fast.

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 can I tell you? I already made a joke about this a long time ago. I was spinning.
On this show.

Speaker 1 We were all like free Britney, free Britney. And I said on this show, are you sure? Remember?

Speaker 1 are you sure? You're saying she's too free. Are you sure you want her free? Yeah, she's a little too free, right? People are like, She doesn't need a conservative ship.
Are you sure?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. Are you sure? You're right.
She's wielding kitchen knives. Look at her dogs in the background.
One of those things is going to end up at a restaurant.

Speaker 1 Look at the way she's waving around those knives.

Speaker 1 Show play the video again.

Speaker 1 It's bonkers.

Speaker 1 I feel, I love this girl. I feel bad.
There's no way this is chill.

Speaker 1 Started playing with knives today. Why, Britt?

Speaker 1 Don't worry. They're not real knives.
Halloween is soon. Yes, they are.

Speaker 1 Those are knives.

Speaker 1 What would it be like hooking up with her, you think?

Speaker 1 I like that. She's pretending those are not real knives.
Those are definitely real knives. They are real.
There's for sure real.

Speaker 1 Those knives are definitely not fake, says the internet. What would it be like to hook up with her? Is that what you're saying? Well, just the after.
To date her? No, no, just the after hookup talk.

Speaker 1 You know, you have that talk. The chat? Yeah, the chat.
You're naked. Yeah.
You know, you get the towel.

Speaker 1 I'm a towel guy. So you stay naked the whole time? I do.
After you hook up, do you put on any kind of clothing?

Speaker 2 Most times.

Speaker 1 You put on something. Yeah.
Not me. Not me.
I put on a costume.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to do that. I used to do that.
I used to do the Robin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll just put on, I'll put on a

Speaker 1 Iron Man mask just to butt-naked Iron Man mask.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I feel like you and Britney Spears would be perfect.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, now that I think about it. But what would she talk about, do you think? I imagine.
You just have her legs over you.

Speaker 1 You're sweating. She feels.
You're like, oh, that was great. She might sing to you.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 Ooh. A new song, though.
Not even a bad one. Bobby.
Oh, Bobby, Bobby. How was I supposed to know?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then you probably do a dance, too, right? Hit me, Bobby, one more time, tight, tight.
You're like, I got to go.

Speaker 1 I have to leave my cars here. Wait, you haven't seen my knives dance.
Come see my knife dance. Ooh, you're going to love it.

Speaker 1 In my living room, I wave knives and I TikTok.

Speaker 1 By the way, I called it on the show a long time ago. If this leads to something crazy, like they put her back, they 51.50 her.
I should have made a bet on our fans because people were like...

Speaker 1 What's 5150? That means it's the for

Speaker 1 mental health. What is it called?

Speaker 2 What's the...

Speaker 1 Pops come and take you you and take me to the mentality 5150 is when you are mentally unstable that's when you um

Speaker 1 what is it called uh allows a person with a mental challenge to be involuntarily detained for 72 hour psychiatric hospitalization so you can 5150 someone to be like i'm worried they're gonna hurt themselves or hurt someone around them yeah like we could 5150 you

Speaker 1 please don't you could 5150 me yeah i would never do that though of all the people in here that we would 5150 let me guess one two three carlos i mean what the fuck Wait, you think I'm like losing my mind?

Speaker 1 No, I just think you're a threat to society. Yeah, yeah.
Like, I feel like you could cause physical harm to society. I do.
When I leave the house, I definitely like. I know.

Speaker 1 I want you inside more than out. But you know what, though? Can I be honest with you? He's the only one I really trust here.
100%. I agree.
He knows that. And he's like, he knows that.

Speaker 1 You would fucking, if I called you and I go, You got to help me buy this body. Oh, it would be so fun.
See, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You you need a 5150 in your life. You need 15150.
One would need a 151.50 in your life. Get 151.50 around.
Yeah. Like, honestly, this is a true.
Like, let's say I relapsed.

Speaker 1 Already excited. Well, see, I'm nervous.
See, this makes me mad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because a party dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, party dude's not going to help you.

Speaker 1 Honestly, if I relapse and I called you, I'm like, dude, check it out. I want some old school, a sheet of acid.
Do you know where to go?

Speaker 1 My closet. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 yeah and would you bring it over um be honest honestly i would call andrew

Speaker 1 it's about love dude thank you

Speaker 1 no it's on dude no that's huge that is such a big

Speaker 1 50 though dude he's changed dude he's 51 49 now

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 1 all right you know what i'm so glad you said that because i was about to fucking get really and then okay so then you call him then you know what happens i'm coming to get your ass and dude what are are you going to do?

Speaker 1 If I decide I'm going to relapse, I'm going to relapse. No, you're not.
Not around me.

Speaker 1 Not around fucking me. You're not.
I'm. I'm in Mexico.
Then Andrew runs to have dinner. Okay, I don't know what the fuck you just said, dude.
Let me tell you, what did you just say?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what did you say? Slow it down. I said, unless you're in Mexico, then Andrew runs to have dinner with some friends and Bobby gets dropped in my lap.
Yeah, put him. I put him in your lap.

Speaker 1 Well, no, you already showed up fucked up in Mexico. You were already fucked up.
When did you were babysitting me in Mexico? Yeah, you got fucked up at dinner. You don't remember this?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember you tried to order me like a sprite. He tried to start a fight with me because I ordered him a mocktail.
Yeah, he's so

Speaker 1 stupid that day. I'm stupid? Yeah, because I'm like, I'm going to get what you're getting.
And you come back with a mocktail. You have alcohol.
No, I don't. I didn't have alcohol in mind.
Nobody had.

Speaker 1 Nobody had alcohol, you fuckhead. But you were pissed off because there was no booze in it.
You were mad. You were throwing a big fit.
And then you went to. I'm an alcoholic.
I know, dude.

Speaker 1 We were trying to stop you. And then you went and got fucking booze anyway.
And you pooped all the way up.

Speaker 1 Well, there's a way. I know.
It's unfortunate. So if I'm going to call him, he doesn't pull through.
I will call somebody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but at least when he calls me, I'll be over at your house to fucking get in your way to make it more annoying for you to use. But would you...

Speaker 1 I'd get in your... I'd roadblock you for you.
I know, I know, but that would be a nightmare if I relapsed, huh? Oh, yeah. I would not be happy about it.
No, no. Let's not, let's not do it.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do about it?

Speaker 2 I would cry.

Speaker 1 You would cry?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I've never met you in that state, but I've heard all these stories, and I feel really lucky.

Speaker 2 Like when we, I you came into my life and you're like on this good track up and it would be kind of devastating to see that thoughts see and then I'd 5150 you

Speaker 1 that's thoughts that's thoughts that's pure thoughts dude that's pumpkin spice right there

Speaker 1 in the flesh in the flesh dude you know what dude I'm grabbing totating toward it I'm gonna get that next time at Starbucks let's get it let's all get it together yeah pumpkin let's all get it in fact you know what order pumpkin spice right now right i'm being real yeah delivered here

Speaker 1 McConney. McConnell.
Go get me some pumpkin spice.

Speaker 1 I'm a changed man, dude.

Speaker 2 I want a cold version.

Speaker 1 Do you girls want pumpkin spices? Yeah, get that. I want everybody, dude.
You know what I mean? Carlos, give him the card. Carlos.
But I want also an iced version. I have money here.
Come here.

Speaker 1 Pumpkin. No, just come here.
Let's give him cash. Come here.

Speaker 1 Get cash.

Speaker 2 Get cash here. McCone, will you get me a cold?

Speaker 1 Is this enough?

Speaker 2 Is this enough? Pumpkin cold foot.

Speaker 1 No, give him 200 just in case. Really? Thank you.

Speaker 2 I think Bobby will want that too. He wants an ice.

Speaker 1 I don't think it costs $200. It does.
It does. It does.
They do now.

Speaker 1 They're expensive pumpkin spice.

Speaker 2 It's a really limited spice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, limited. It is.
He's going to text Macone. Oh, okay.
Coney, you know, Starbucks is right down the street.

Speaker 1 Great, yeah. So get me, but I want mine iced, whatever you get me.
And add two shots to it of Espresso. He'll text you.
Okay, good. And you get these girls, they want stuff too.

Speaker 1 Ask them what they want, Macone. You guys just tell Carlos.
Yeah, tell Carlos.

Speaker 2 All right. Are you getting hot or cold? We got some pumpkin spice latte.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's get back to where we are. This is so exciting.
I know. Yeah, yeah.
But now you're changing. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts.
And I'm leaning toward pumpkin now. I like this.
I like it.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good. You're changing me, dude.
It's great. See? Yeah, I love it.
Power of thought.

Speaker 1 You know, Ottomans and Nooks, I don't know yet. But no, you'll get to trust me.
And by the end of the episode,

Speaker 1 you think so? Ottoman, you'll be there. Yeah.
Nook is a tougher one to get you on. Yeah.
But automatic.

Speaker 1 Never going to happen. Never going to happen.
Yeah. One of the flight attendants on the flight back was knitting something.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it reminded me of how I used to get knit stuff from family members. So lucky.
And how much it means to me when you get that.

Speaker 1 That's why the whites do that stuff because you get a knit thing from somebody and you go,

Speaker 1 it doesn't even matter if I don't love it. It's so wonderful somebody made it.

Speaker 1 And then, guess what? It goes under the bed in a rubber cupperware. I know, yeah.
You don't ever see it again. You never see it again.
Well, it's like a lot of gifts. There's a lot of things I get.

Speaker 1 You don't see it again, but at the moment, it matters. It's nice that they made a thing.
Like some one guy gave me a scaber with my face on it. Yeah, that was so dope.
No, that was the one we made.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, he actually took a board and just drew art on it. And I go, that's cool.
And you'll, right? That's good thoughts. Well, how about this?

Speaker 1 The toys that I got you, those custom toys, where did you put those in your house? I'm like, right in my living room. You'll see, right, right, right, right, where everything is.

Speaker 1 That makes me feel really good. But that was a, that was the real good thoughts.
Thoughts. Good thoughts.
Sometimes the thoughts aren't good. Well, give me an example when thoughts aren't good.

Speaker 1 What's the worst present I've ever gotten?

Speaker 1 Well, you mentioned any kind of card. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Of anything.

Speaker 1 At all. Because I don't even know what it is.

Speaker 1 They'll go here. Here's

Speaker 1 Climpendale's. Climpendale's.
The restaurant? Climping. No, I'm just making it.
Climpendale's. Climpendale.
Yeah, Climpendale. Yeah, I've been there.
Right. And you're like, what is this?

Speaker 1 Oh, you can get yarn. Oh, right.
Right. And you're like, oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 And it goes in a drawer. I get it.
And then 10 years later, you're like, well, Climpondale card. You know what I mean? What are we going to do with it? Yeah.
So I don't like that.

Speaker 1 I don't like shit like socks or a tie. Yeah, any of that.

Speaker 1 Well, what? Who's giving you socks? My brother used to give me spa socks. Well, every fucking day.
That's because he's, you know, I know, I know. Yeah, they love socks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they put them on their hands and their feet. Right, right.
What? They put them on their hands and their feet. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, this, the reason I got that image in my head is because a guy that's helping out around our house right now, he had, I think he was trying to like,

Speaker 1 he didn't have, maybe one glove was missing. He had a sock on his hand.

Speaker 1 And I was like,

Speaker 1 who did we hire?

Speaker 1 He had a full-blown sock. Well, one hand had a glove, the other one had a sock.
I think maybe it was for it. I don't know.
I, so I did. He put holes to the fingers, or it was just a sock?

Speaker 1 It was like a mitt.

Speaker 1 It was gloves. It was a glove and a mitt.
It had the color stripes at the bottom. It was, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an old-school gym sock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, because we're getting our yard dug up and the pipes are.
Can you help me with something though?

Speaker 1 I need somebody.

Speaker 1 I don't know where to go. I Googled it.
I just need somebody to put wallpaper up in my house. Oh, I got the guy.
I have the guy. And then also wood paneling and stuff like that.
Yeah, I have the guy.

Speaker 1 Cool. I'll give it to you.
I'll give you. But is he a good guy? Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 I don't want to give too much of a story away because it's not my business, but he was at one point someone of a name that people know. It's going to blow your mind off the air.
And he could help me?

Speaker 1 Yeah. He literally fixed it.
He builds houses. He used to be somebody you know.
Like an architect, like Jason. No, no, no.
He was an actor. Frank Lowe's right.
He was an actor.

Speaker 1 He was an actor that was. Oh, so it's an actor that I would, if he came over,

Speaker 1 you're

Speaker 1 when he was young, he was an actor. Smith's Part 2, dude.
You were so good at that.

Speaker 1 Small Wonder? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So it's somebody I know.

Speaker 1 You might recognize the name, yeah. Really? And he fixes stuff.
Can you do this and just tell me? Now I'll tell you off the air. Okay.

Speaker 1 I got the guy. You do? 100%.
He's great. Okay.
And he's meticulous and he's slow and sweet and he listens to jazz while he does it.

Speaker 1 He puts a little jazz music on. What's wrong with that? I actually really enjoyed it.
I don't have to be there, though, right? Of course not. Okay, sure, go, go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 DoorDash.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, we love DoorDash. DoorDash.
Bob uses DoorDash literally every time.

Speaker 1 Let me see something right here. This is my DoorDash.
Don't show them. I'm not going to show them.
Look at all the things I get. Oh, my God.
It's my favorite list.

Speaker 1 It says load more, and I'm not going to do it. But my point is that when you're on the road or you're at home, wherever you are in the country, if you want groceries, you want delicate food.
Yep.

Speaker 1 You want elegant food. Yep.
You want something fast, like a taco taco. Yep.
Right. You go to DoorDash.
You've got to go to DoorDash, ladies and gentlemen.

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Whether it's food or bleach for something that you got to clean up, what did you do?

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Whatever you want, they got it.

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I don't like jazz. It's like, you know, like that goes crazy.

Speaker 1 I like.

Speaker 1 See, that sounds like jazz that goes crazy. That doesn't sound like good jazz.
What? No, that's like, you know, I like. You like.

Speaker 1 No, that's too fast.

Speaker 2 Too fast.

Speaker 1 It's smoky.

Speaker 2 It's smoky. I know what you don't like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I'm walking in. I have my suit on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And I lean with my cane.
I pull out a cigar.

Speaker 1 Right? I do a little jiggy. I do a little jiggy.
Right?

Speaker 1 And then I fall over.

Speaker 1 And I die. Right.
Yeah. But I like slow jazz.
Slow jazz. Yeah.
Well, I like to, you know, what's the,

Speaker 1 what your people do. Like a not a Bossa Nova, but like.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the kind of music? The empanina mini.

Speaker 1 Empanina. empanina empanana flamenco? Flaminco.
No. Girl from empaninas.
Girl from empanadas.

Speaker 1 That's not that.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 1 I'm walking through an airport in the 1960s.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how that's how. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 What kind of music is that?

Speaker 1 You would know that's your people. Brazilian.
Like a Brazilian. Oh, that's not your people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my bad.

Speaker 2 Why don't you like one one of us, the social club?

Speaker 1 I love that. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Cuba. Very good.
Still not his people, by the way. But it's adjacent.
Can we learn to do capoeira? That's one of my favorite things.

Speaker 1 Is that the spinning martial arts? Yeah, can we learn to do? I already know how to do it, dude. Get fucked.
Teach us. Do it right now.
Can you get up and do.

Speaker 1 I can do capanada.

Speaker 1 Capoeida. Capoeded.
Capoeida. Capoe.
Oh, is this a capoeida? Yeah, show me some capoeida. Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I need an opponent. Yeah, Carlos is capable.
Carlos, well, Carlos.

Speaker 1 Carlos is your opponent?

Speaker 1 Alright, well, you better film it, fans. Hold on.
I need some space.

Speaker 1 Alright, go ahead. No, no, no.
Let's see.

Speaker 1 What's the capoeira music?

Speaker 1 Whoa,

Speaker 1 you lost.

Speaker 1 You fucking lost, dude. Whatever.
That ever that was, you lost.

Speaker 1 What? That was dope.

Speaker 1 That's it, dude. Dude, you lost.
That you lost.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that ended so fast.

Speaker 1 It ended fast, dude. Don't you know how dance battles take place? Yeah, dude.
Once you get embarrassed, it's over. It's over, dude.
I'm seeing stars. I was just going to say, you're about to pass out?

Speaker 1 I'm about to pass out. I'm seeing stars right now.
That was crazy, dude. Sugar cups.
Because I'm

Speaker 1 when I put my,

Speaker 1 I don't even know what to say. The weight on your arm.
Arm, dude. It started trembling.
I started seeing stars. I'm like, this is a bad idea.

Speaker 1 It hurt. My stomach hurts a little.
He got me. That's what it is, though.
That's capital idea.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to tell you, dude, I never even took a class. Get out of town.
You never took one class. No way.

Speaker 1 I think that, honestly, I think that some people are born knowing the secrets of the martial arts.

Speaker 1 You think you've got it in you. I think I'm instinctually, I instinctually know all forms of martial arts simultaneously going within my body.
Holy shit. And my spirit there.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 Careful with those. Ow.
Ow. Do you understand? Ow.
That's what I'm saying. How did you hit me from over there?

Speaker 1 I don't even need to take a class, Dad. No, you don't.
I know how to bow.

Speaker 1 I love bow. That stuff's so good.
You got

Speaker 1 pork, yeah? Well, they're pork vegetables.

Speaker 1 Red bean, red bean, red bean. No, no, that's sticky buns.
I like those. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's red bean, red paste. No, not bow, the fucking pastry.

Speaker 1 What else? Bow. Yeah, I will.
Yeah, I'll eat it. I'll have it.
Oh, whatever. No, like before.

Speaker 1 You don't even know what I'm saying. What are you talking about? Bow, the dumpling.
No, no, no, no. Bow.
The actual gesture.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, thank you for the bow.

Speaker 1 What is the gesture?

Speaker 1 Go come here, Carlos.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Are you stretching your back?

Speaker 2 No, kick him again.

Speaker 1 Okay, sorry. So much violence on this show.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 I did hot yoga for the first time.

Speaker 1 It was really fun. How hot was it?

Speaker 2 It's like 98 degrees or hotter.

Speaker 1 No, it's got to be hotter than that. Yeah, 120 degrees.
Is that a boy band? 30 98 degrees or hotter. Yeah.
No, isn't it isn't it a boy band like 98 degrees or something? Yeah, 90 degrees. Nick Lachey.

Speaker 1 Okay. One of my boys, dude.
One of my my top dogs. How hot is hot yoga?

Speaker 2 It was so hot. I couldn't believe it.
I was thinking about you, Bobby, though, if you were there, and I just think you'd fart a lot in that class.

Speaker 1 Between 90 and 108. I was, if you fucking, you go to one of those things, I'm calling an ambulance on the way there.
No, I'm good.

Speaker 2 You've done hot yoga?

Speaker 1 No, dude. You guys don't even understand my body, dude.
I don't know if you understand your body. I do.
You guys don't even comprehend

Speaker 1 the temperatures my body can take, dude.

Speaker 1 You know what? We're going to come come over to the house and get in the ice bath and let's see what you do. Let me tell you something right now.
We got an ice bath? Yeah, we got an ice time.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you something right now, okay? At the Korean spa that I keep inviting you to,

Speaker 1 their ice plunge is illegal. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 Polarversk hasn't been cleaned in fucking 40 years.

Speaker 1 You're right, it's gross. It's dirty, but not.
I'm getting in.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something about the Korean spa. Do you dude? You're fucking racist, dude.
Yes, I am. I've said that on this show for years.

Speaker 1 I'm not going in a fucking spa with thousands of yous that go there. Don't be what I do.
Fuck you, dude. You're you guys in there.

Speaker 1 Don't, dude. Don't.

Speaker 1 Don't, dude.

Speaker 1 You don't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something. Okay.
You want me to go to a Korean spa. I know they don't sanitize that fucking place.
That's so un

Speaker 1 true. It's untrue.
Yeah. You've never gotten anything.
You've never gotten a toenail fungus from there or an athlete's foot because I know you have. You fucking told me personally.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and say it. I don't know where I got it.
Yeah, fuck off.

Speaker 1 Where else? I literally don't know. Could it be the place where people are nude and sweating all over each other? Okay, how about this, dude? Give it.
Athlete's foot. Athletes get it, right?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no. Do they not get it?

Speaker 1 And they get it by running. No, they don't.

Speaker 1 No, they get it from sharing showers. They're sharing their fucking shoes.
From sharing showers. That's what that's from, from dirty feet, bacterial infections in public places.

Speaker 1 Anyway, you guys don't know about my body and my temperature, how much it can take. Well, then let's go to hot yoga together.
I'm down. I'll do it.

Speaker 1 My body can take all kinds it was so fun but pompeo i would have survived it did you tell the story about the

Speaker 1 pompei or ellen pompeo

Speaker 1 are you talking about ellen pompeo the actress no i'm talking about the politician

Speaker 1 okay okay is there is there a politician named pompeo yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm talking about him dude what about what about it go ahead babe did you tell the story about the shuttle bus at the airport No,

Speaker 1 don't tell that story. Okay.
No, tell it.

Speaker 2 We might have to. I don't know how interesting it was, but it was the hardest I've laughed in so long.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we get off of there. Where was it? What city was it? Oh, God, I don't even know.
Cleveland. You guys were out without me.
All right, so we're at an airport, and we take a shuttle, you and I.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're the last two on the last two, and it's a packed shuttle.

Speaker 1 It's packed. And, you know, it's one of those shuttles.
It's all, you know, you girls will love it. It's very all-American.
The shuttle they love?

Speaker 1 No, but the people that are in it, it's like kids wearing baseball. They just got back from a tournament.
Families, old women, grandmothers. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Hey.
What?

Speaker 1 They have just like an apple pie with them or something. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And a baseball. The baseball was inside the apple pie.
Yeah, doing it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And it's like, and quiet, and people are.

Speaker 2 And we have to stand.

Speaker 1 And I'm wearing, I'm listening to music. And I go, I go,

Speaker 1 uh-oh.

Speaker 1 It's a common.

Speaker 1 You know how your mind does that?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And I don't know how. So I have my music playing.
So I bent over a little bit.

Speaker 2 No, you walked to me. Okay.
You bent over onto me.

Speaker 1 Under her. And I ripped one so loud.
So loud.

Speaker 1 Right. That the whole bus heard it.
Yeah. Right? The all-American bus.
Yeah. It was so cool.
And people were like, you're like, right? But one father, an old white gentleman,

Speaker 1 along with her, tears in his eyes, laughing so hard.

Speaker 1 He was laughing so hard.

Speaker 2 The lady behind you, you didn't see her, she was laughing too.

Speaker 1 Oh, she was? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was that loud. It was like,

Speaker 2 and then right after the bus driver goes, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the shuttle? So like no one could react.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no one could really react to it. Did you hear it? The bus driver didn't hear it? Everyone heard it.
The fucking bus trembled.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like that good.
You would have laughed so hard.

Speaker 1 It was so quiet in there.

Speaker 2 And then he walked, like, then we're on the bus. It's like two minutes into the ride.
And he walks over to me and goes, Was that loud? I have my headphones in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little.
And she was laughing so hard. Everybody was kidding.
Dude, we had what a moment. You know, you and I have moments, huh? On the road? We had some moments.

Speaker 1 Some some good, good moments. I'm glad I missed that one.
It was, I can't explain it. It was so hard.
Watch one.

Speaker 1 I'm happy I missed it. Because I was in Chicago with my family, not getting far from it.
That was a budget. Yeah.
Because

Speaker 1 you know, I would have been like, Bob?

Speaker 1 Like a dad. I'm upset.
But guess what?

Speaker 1 Did it smell?

Speaker 2 It did.

Speaker 2 Okay, fuck.

Speaker 1 My bad.

Speaker 1 My bad. My bad.
My bad. My bad.

Speaker 1 I apologize to anyone on the bus.

Speaker 1 You thought you were going to cruise right over that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You shot it right down.
It did.

Speaker 1 It is

Speaker 1 funnier than it's called because it's like floating. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 1 I missed our little meals at the airport.

Speaker 1 We're going back out. I know, but just thinking about the

Speaker 1 tour, the little meals you and remember that little wine bar restaurant that we sat at Ana?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was really nice. That was really nice.
Are you at the store tonight?

Speaker 1 I have one show tonight, yes.

Speaker 2 Let's get dinner before.

Speaker 2 I'm at the store.

Speaker 1 Let's get dinner from here to the store. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What time do you go up?

Speaker 2 10:30.

Speaker 1 I'm at 10:30. Oh, really? You're not in the same room.
Oh, yeah, we're not in the same room. Don't worry.
How long have you been in? What room are you in? The belly room. Yeah.
Oh, the small one.

Speaker 1 The tiny one.

Speaker 1 She is small. She's a small one.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that changes are coming soon.

Speaker 2 I know it. The shift is coming.

Speaker 1 All right, let's hand out the coffee real fast. Let's hand.
Let's get some coffee in here, McConney Boney.

Speaker 1 Ooh,

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Did Jesse get one? Is it pumpkin?

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 Cheers. Cheers to pumpkin.
Dude.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you right now, very good. You like it?

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Dude, I'm in, dude.
I'm white. You're white.
I'm in, dude. You're white.
I'm white now, dude. One of us.

Speaker 1 One of us.

Speaker 2 I think mine's vanilla.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 I wasn't sure if I should say something, but it's kind of funny because we were talking about the pumpkin.

Speaker 1 You're always vanilla? Why'd you get her vanilla? I just followed what Carlos tells me.

Speaker 2 It says vanilla, cold foam.

Speaker 1 I didn't write vanilla. I said cold brew with cold foam.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's just funny because it was.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, no, no.
Honestly, because I'm not going to have it. It's a waste.
Please do it. Wait, because you can't, you're not going to be able to sleep today.
I'm allergic to pumpkin.

Speaker 1 I should have mentioned

Speaker 1 it. It felt like a bad idea.

Speaker 1 Why did I do this to myself? Yeah, yeah. Imagine I just turned into a pumpkin.

Speaker 1 What did we learn today? I learned. I actually learned.
I learned about thoughts. And you learn.

Speaker 1 You might be white. I might be white.
Will you do me a favor, Carlos? Will you get on Wayfair and buy him an Ottoman right now and ship it to his house?

Speaker 1 I just want to see how you feel about an Ottoman once we put it in your house. I've never had one, but I don't know what to do with it.

Speaker 2 I bet you do have one.

Speaker 1 And you just don't know what it is. Yeah, you have a couch, right? Yeah.
Do you have another piece of the couch where your feet go on? Yeah. That's a good one.
You have an ottoman. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what an ottoman is?

Speaker 1 Oh. You're white, dude.
Oh, I thought it was more like an Ottoman Empire kind of thing. I'm about to blow your mind.

Speaker 1 What, what? I'm about to blow your mind. Go ahead.
You have a little, I mean, I've been to your house. You have a formal dining room, right?

Speaker 1 There's a place to eat, right? There's also a little part off your kitchen that's not really a dining area, but it's just kind of like a little place to like you could snack, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a nook, buddy.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 you're so white. You're the fucking whitest friend I have.
You're so fucking white.

Speaker 1 But I never go in there. It's a twinkle.

Speaker 1 okay oh okay okay

Speaker 1 oh my god dude that's a layer joke that's so good

Speaker 1 give him credit dude what the fuck did you call me dude you are the twinkie of this show holy shit that's so good

Speaker 1 explain twinkie for the viewers that doesn't know and i'm a Reese's peanut butter cop yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 so so

Speaker 1 yeah you are I really am. So, tell me what a Twinkie is, my friend.
Yeah, what do you mean to the audience? What do you mean by Twinkie? What do you think about that, buddy?

Speaker 1 It's like yellow on the outside, but white on the inside.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 Interesting. Interesting.
Because I grew up during the suburbs.

Speaker 1 Wow, dude. Twinkie is pretty good.
Yeah, Twinkie is a very good thing. And I also can I say something.
Then what do you call somebody that's just full-on just yellow?

Speaker 1 What about you? What do you call it?

Speaker 1 Well, what is full yellow?

Speaker 1 The reason why I ask, I don't know. I can tell you.
Tell me. I call you behind your back sometimes.
What do you call me? Lemonhead. Oh, I'm fucking fucking.
That's full yellow.

Speaker 1 That's full yellow all the way through. Dude,

Speaker 1 you're right, dude. Lemonhead.
Yeah. Or a lemon.
No, lemon head. Okay, I'm talking about the lemon head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, bring up an image of lemon head, the guy, you know, the guy in the box.

Speaker 1 How is that not you?

Speaker 1 That's my little, you're my little lemon head. Dude, I'm a fucking lemonhead, dude.
When people get a little bit of a music, and I'm not, you know, dude, let me say something to you.

Speaker 1 I'm not mad at that, dude. I know.
Yeah, yeah. It's sweet.
Yeah, yeah. You're my little lemon head.
When they say, when people come to the studio and they go, what goes on in here?

Speaker 1 I say, me and my little lemon head, dude, a show and from here. Yeah.
This is me and my lemon head.

Speaker 1 It's great, dude. I don't like the, do you like that candy, though? No, it's not candy.
I think it's a trick.

Speaker 1 I think they fucking put it out just to fuck with you. No one ever likes lemon.
There's no chance someone gets a box of, look at that guy. Remember that guy from the commercials?

Speaker 1 Whoa. Do him as a a guy.
Look at him. Look at that.
Yeah, look. Do you not remember these commercials? No, I don't.
Dude, that was a horror show. Go to YouTube.
Go to YouTube. Bring up a lemon head.

Speaker 1 This was insane. They ran these for a short amount of time.
Yeah, yeah. They were nightmare-inducing.
Dude, that, okay. This is one of the candies, by the way, that was handed out sometimes.

Speaker 1 If you see someone at the movie theater getting a box of lemon heads, yeah, leave. I'm not watching the movie with that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sicko.
Yeah, and what's a juju?

Speaker 1 Whoa, can't say that, man. It was just Yum Kippoor, bud

Speaker 1 B.

Speaker 1 Ah! Juju P. Juju B.
Yeah, Juju P.

Speaker 1 What is a Juju B? Yeah, because I had it. There's no flavor.
It's just chewy. They're gross.
Yeah. I mean, is Juju

Speaker 1 beef? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a jujood?

Speaker 1 Is juju bee good? No, they're not. No, it doesn't even look good.

Speaker 1 No, it's that, though. It's the colorful ones.

Speaker 2 Oh, I was just going to say, I did get a really good candy recently, and it's these little tiny gummies with mini nerds sprinkled.

Speaker 1 Bro, those are so good. So good.
It's nerds wrapped around like a gummy squishy in the inside. So the outside is a ball of nerds, and the inside is a squishy thing.
So good. I know.

Speaker 2 All the door guys at the mothership are eating them.

Speaker 1 Nerds, gummy clusters. Those are so good.
Whoa, dude. I got to get one of those, dude.
Top shit. Those are top shit.
Dude, they combine two things into one.

Speaker 1 Let's do that right now with a different candy. You got it.
Go.

Speaker 1 Here we go. We take,

Speaker 1 you know, I know what candy corn.

Speaker 1 I'm already out. Yeah, it's like the worst.

Speaker 1 It's the worst candy ever made.

Speaker 2 And you put it with circus peanuts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, circus peanuts. You're like, what if we wrap juju bees with tic-tacs? It's like,

Speaker 1 well, no. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. By the way, tic-tacs, breathmint, white, the orange ones, candy.
Yeah. What was that? Breath mints were the white one.

Speaker 1 They said the other ones were breath mints, but the orange ones were just candy. Yeah.
I never used it. That wasn't a mint.
That was candy. Yeah, that's true.
What are the two things you'll wrap?

Speaker 1 Okay, I got one. Okay.

Speaker 1 You know, the Chinese think, speaking of Chinese,

Speaker 1 that invisible,

Speaker 1 That invisible. Communism?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? That invisible cloak covers the side. We've never been a communist.

Speaker 1 No, man. Wait, what? Let me get it out.

Speaker 1 All right. It's that wrap that melts in your mouth.
It's an invisible.

Speaker 2 Oh, the Listerine strip?

Speaker 1 They're like Listerine strips.

Speaker 1 Or Breathman candy. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, it's an invisible. You've never seen this before? The candy with the fucking

Speaker 1 invisible

Speaker 1 dots on it. No, there's a piece of candy, a Chinese candy, and on the outside of it, it's like a

Speaker 1 how do I explain it? I think it was scam. No, it's a clear, fuck you, man.
It's a clear, like, wrap, and it melts in your mouth. How much do you pay for the invisible candy? What does it take like?

Speaker 1 Give me another hundred. I have some here.

Speaker 1 Invisible Chinese wrap paper candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Invisible Chinese wrap paper candy. Paper candy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what does it taste like?

Speaker 1 What does it taste like, bud? Oh, is that a 50 sheets of transparent edible glue? That's that. No, that's rice paper.
That's rice paper. Are you eating rice paper?

Speaker 2 They use that for baking.

Speaker 1 Dude, I swear to fuck God, man. That? No.
That's gelatin. It's a candy with.

Speaker 1 Put this out.

Speaker 1 Honestly, right? Chinese

Speaker 1 candy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 With

Speaker 1 it, it melts in your mouth. There's a piece of.

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 a layer.

Speaker 1 A layer. It's like a sheet? Like a sheet wrapped around a candy that melts in your mouth before the candy.
What's the candy inside?

Speaker 2 Oh, like a gob stopper?

Speaker 1 No, those are everlasting.

Speaker 1 Oh, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 That. That?

Speaker 1 That.

Speaker 1 White rabbit.

Speaker 1 White rabbit, dude.

Speaker 2 I never had that. Buddy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What in the fuck is this?

Speaker 1 White rabbit cream? Yeah, dude. Is that the code name of the girl that came over to Carlos's house?

Speaker 1 Cream candy? Yeah, it's a cream, and there's a... Yeah.

Speaker 1 See the outside? It's a paper. And you just eat that? You eat it, and the paper melts in your mouth first.
See that paper? Yeah. And then you get to the fucking rabbit candy.
You know what happened.

Speaker 1 These poor little Chinese.

Speaker 1 Yeah, these poor little Chinese kids, they just don't know how how to, they just forgot to unwrap it. And then the company was like, yeah, eat it.
Fine. Fuck it.

Speaker 1 Order a bag of that for us, please. Yeah, yeah, you're going to love it.
I want to have a bag of that in the studio. I mean,

Speaker 1 it looks just like taffy. Yeah.
Is that what it is? It's delicious, though. It's that creamy and it's very light.
Now, do we like taffy? Do you like taffy? Salt water taffy?

Speaker 1 I never, you know, when I go to that's a white. When I go to fairs, I don't eat it.
What do you eat at the fair then?

Speaker 1 You got to get taffy. I get anything that's fried like a, like a, you know, deep fried Oreos? Deep fried something, something.
Deep fried Oreos are unbelievable.

Speaker 2 We got so many great snacks with that cracker barrel.

Speaker 1 Also, fudge. You guys love fudge.
No, no, no, no, no. Not all the whites.
I'm not a big fudgy guy. Me either.
What's up with like big blocks of fudge? Some whites like huge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, some whites like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you the type of whites? Okay. She's a little bit of a fudge girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a little fudge.

Speaker 1 She'll pack a little bit of fudge in, but not much.

Speaker 1 But can I say what you guys do? What are the whites? It's a true delight. And thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Caramel apples.

Speaker 1 I don't like them. Wrong.
They heard me wrong. Wrong.
You're wrong. That's where you lost all your teeth.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Don't make fun of my dentals on Hyde.

Speaker 1 You know what's going to make you feel better about that? What? Bring up Johnny Depp's teeth. It just went viral the other day.
I mean, look at this guy. This looks like my fence.

Speaker 1 It looks like my fence in my front yard. Zoom in on that.
Oh, shit. Look at that.
No, that's the picture right next to it. That's the one right there.
No, the Esquire one, bud. That's one.

Speaker 1 That's his teeth after the, that they just got a photo of him. Now, look, I'm not being mean, but yes, I am.
What's going on? Are you eating mud? That's so rude.

Speaker 2 Maybe he did that for Pirates of the Caribbean.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what he did. You know what this was?

Speaker 1 He was shooting, is it poop? He was shooting an episode of Is It Poop.

Speaker 2 It does look like method was involved.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, does he?

Speaker 1 I mean, he's a millionaire. This was Bud Pirates of the Caribbean.
He was eating so much ass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's a multi-multi-millionaire. Bud Pirates of the Caribbean.
He was on the high seas.

Speaker 1 Okay, I forget this. Okay, can you do a different,

Speaker 1 give me a different, like, okay, let's go to the Pirates.

Speaker 1 Those are prosthetics. So if those are fake teeth.
Look at that. Those are fake teeth.
Those are nice, though. Those are fake teeth.
That's not his real teeth. Those look better than his real teeth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's interesting. No, it's not interesting.
It's crazy. Yeah, yeah.
What are you? Is he? But ladies, even though he has fucked up teeth, you'd still hook?

Speaker 1 Not after the Amber Heard trial, they wouldn't. Yeah.
What are you talking about? No, really. Honestly, if Johnny Depp asks you out on a date, Johnny Depp, are you single? No.
Are you single?

Speaker 1 Are you single? Are you single? No. Okay, fuck it.
If you are single. You are.
You're single, right? Well, let's get a pull of all three.

Speaker 1 If you were single and Johnny Depp asked you on a date, would you go out? No.

Speaker 1 Would you go out? No.

Speaker 1 That's a no from her real fast. This one's pausing.
Not Austin. Why not?

Speaker 1 Why not? She just wants the experience, right?

Speaker 1 She wants the experience. Yeah, it's that's how it starts.

Speaker 1 Yup. Then a couple months later, you're pooping in his bed to get back at him,

Speaker 1 throwing a glass at your face in the living room. I wonder if if there's a woman out there that's beautiful that has controversy like johnny dipped that i wouldn't date uh ellen

Speaker 1 well there's a couple reasons that that would yeah that wouldn't oh yeah yeah i forgot about controversial a controversial public figure roseanne

Speaker 1 yeah roseanne would you date roseanne

Speaker 1 you know i mean i have a thing for her she actually

Speaker 1 i love her i love her amanda knox would you date amanda knox she just did our show in seattle you know that right yeah would you date her if you were saying she's a nice woman you we have to name a controversial woman that you would go on on a date with.

Speaker 1 Who's got some who's controversial Hollywood female starlets? Now, Amber Heard. Amber Heard, right? The easiest one.
There you go.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 of the trial, I just know things about it. I just wouldn't get along.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know Amanda Bynes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. But I know Amanda, so no, I don't do it.
You guys are so famous for Cat Playlist game.

Speaker 1 No, I knew her because. What about Kim Kardashian? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, thanks. Yeah, yeah.
You wouldn't go out with her? I already have. We dated a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 You did? Right after Ray J.

Speaker 1 Okay. No.
Yeah. What about Kaitlyn Jenner? She's got to come out of her.
She killed somebody.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Could I do it? You know, I would do it for the optics. Oh, because it's good publicly.
Or what about

Speaker 1 what's the one? Maybe like Kaitlyn Jenner and her purse show up to one of the

Speaker 1 imagine how small you'd be next to it. She's like 6'4, 6'5 ⁇ .
She'd fucking

Speaker 1 one of the greatest Olympians of all time. Oh, you're saying that I would look like a purse? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just mean like she brought like a little bag. Like a mobile fetish she brought.
She put it like a string on you and carry around. I couldn't be like her, like Maddox.
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 You might be her Ottoman.

Speaker 1 Adopted kid, no?

Speaker 1 Bag? Bag. Your little purse.
No, then. I don't know.
I can't. There's no controversial woman.
There's no controversial woman. Courtney Love.
What's controversial about her? She killed Kirk Cobain.

Speaker 1 Jesus. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 McCain.

Speaker 1 McCain? McCoat. Is it John? John McCain.

Speaker 1 Dude, his new nickname is McCain.

Speaker 1 100% McCain. Here we go.
All right. Lindsay Lohan.
Yeah. 100%.
100% Dick. I wouldn't even think twice.
Yeah, yeah. I would go out with her.
Britney Spears. 100% Madison.
Bring the knives.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bring the knives. Madonna.
Madonna. 100%.
Dude, Madonna, change accents while we're talking. Nikki Minaj.

Speaker 1 Nikki Minaj is not controversial. She's the shit.
Yeah, yeah. What did she do?

Speaker 1 Kim Kardashian, you say, Roseanne Barr.

Speaker 1 What about Hilaria Baldwin?

Speaker 1 Who's from America but says she's from fancy? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All those girls all the way across.
And Hathaway, fuck it. What did she do? Yeah, what she did.
What did she do? I just don't like her. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 She's also. Oh, can I just say her? Great actress.
Yeah, no shit. So no shit.
Great actress. Who's Kangana Rangut?

Speaker 1 Who is that? Who's this?

Speaker 2 Ranao.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's a Bollywood star. Yeah.
No?

Speaker 1 So it looks, yeah. She's Bollywood star.

Speaker 1 Now that would be a land. What? Marrying a Bollywood star.
Yeah. Do you know how successful those people are over there? It would blow your mind.
They're rich. The richest.

Speaker 1 They're like. I know they can't.
Our movie stars are bullshit compared to these people. But can I say something? Yeah.
They only want light-skinned Indians to make it.

Speaker 1 Well, look at how light-skinned you are. Yeah, I'm not Indian.
You could be. What?

Speaker 2 You didn't know that?

Speaker 1 No. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 You're right. I am.
I am.

Speaker 1 I am an idiot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because even in certain of these countries, they prefer lighter-skinned of their people.
That's the same thing in your countries. We're just light-skinned.
No, but Japanese like.

Speaker 1 There's no dark. Well, that's why Japanese carry on umbrellas and stuff for the sun.
They don't want to get any pigmentation in their skin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but why is that a thing in the world that, like, that's... Well, it's racist.
It's racist, but it's also like even... It's class.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a form of class. It's right.
It's a class system because if you worked outside, your skin was darker. This goes back,

Speaker 1 this is as old as time. So if you were

Speaker 1 a light-skinned Spaniard, right, it meant that you were wealthy enough to not have to work outside. Right.
That's all it was.

Speaker 1 And then if you're... And then if you're a guy that, you know, fucks hookers on Hollywood Boulevard, you're Carlos.
Yeah, you're Mexican. Yeah, but it's not Hollywood Boulevard.
Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Sorry.
Oh, look, he's mad at you today. Did you see that? I know.
I'm not mad at him. You're in a little bit of a nook yourself right now.
You're in a little eating nook.

Speaker 1 Well, it's because he kicked me earlier. Are you still in pain from this?

Speaker 2 You knew it was going to happen when you challenged him.

Speaker 1 Brother, if you don't challenge Bobby in Capoeta, you're going to get fucking worse. Yeah.
No, it's my fucking fault. Well, I got to tell you, we learned a lot today, and I'm happy that you're white.

Speaker 1 Thank you. It changes my whole perspective on our friendship.
I love being at

Speaker 1 thanks for having me. What can I get? If I'm a part of the club now, what do I get? Drink some more pumpkin spice latte.
Oh, yeah. Do I get it like a Lakeview house?

Speaker 2 You get anything you want, baby.

Speaker 1 I can get in the Lakeview house? And you'll be able to get it. I'm white now.
You'll be near the lake. You won't be able to leave.
Can I go to the country clubs?

Speaker 1 You can come to the dinner functions.

Speaker 1 Work there, you mean?

Speaker 1 Like pour water? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you for being white.
Thank you for being a bad friend.