Is It Poo Or Is It Cake?

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You keep those ears on, you hear? Don't just pay, baby PayPal Learn more at PayPal.com Hey! Hey! Bad Friends Live! And we're at the tail end of our tour, guys We're at the tail end, this is it And we're, dude, we've got a special show Yeah If you don't go, dude, you're dumb, dude You're dumb, dumb, dude We're coming up in Washington, D.C. Denver, Then Denver.
Denver, Colorado. You got to get tickets now.
That's right. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Yep. Chicago, Illinois.
My hometown. Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Where you're from. Minnesota.
It happened to me there, man. And then the very last date is Madison, Wisconsin.
Yeah, go check it out, dude. So let me tell you something.
D.C., you're up next. Then Denver, get ready.
Get ready. We're strolling down the line.
Get in. Coming to the Midwest.
We love you guys. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.
Badfriendspod.com. You can hit my face from there, right? I'll promote it.
If I can spit it and it can hit your face, you'll promote tomorrow. Yeah.
I'll blow my back up doing this. Ready? Yeah.
Please, guys. Oh! Shoulder.
Shoulder, dude You're gonna fucking try. Try what? I think it would just hit my head.
Shoulder. I'm not promoting tomorrow.
I'm not promoting tomorrow. You're not gonna promote anything you fucking fat.
There we go. There we go.
There's the hostility. Fat.
Dude. You don't know how to take a fucking loss dude.
I should just learn from from you. I'm the Elk King.
I'm the Elk King, yeah. Great musician.
She's great. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Well, here's the deal about Halloween. Yeah.
We're not going to be here this year. And last year...
Where were you? Where are we going to be? I won't be here. Where am I going to be? Well, you'll be here, kiddo.
You'll be here, bud. Oh, then I'm going to be here.
But wherever you're going to be, there's still going to be Halloween. Yeah, but I won't have to hand out candy this year.
I've never handed out candy. I turn all the lights off.
Well, kids don't go to the... Who's going to the hills to get fucking candy? That's great.
You live in the Hollywood Hills. I still turn off the lights.
For who? Your neighbors? I do it for Jehovah Witness and Halloween. You don't want to talk to some Jay Wits? No, I did.
Really? Yeah, I'm always like in the dark like this, seeing them walk by. See, I like to hand out candy.
Don't you think it's cute when the kids come through? Yeah, my last place was such a trap house. I didn't want anyone coming up there.
You didn't want to give them some fentanyl on the way home? Yeah. No, let me, why candy though? Huh? We should switch it up.
No, it's easier to lure them in with it. Yeah? Yeah.
You know, I mean, wouldn't a dollar be cool? Or do you want a king size? Huh? Oh. Come on in.
Wouldn't a dollar be cool? Yeah. There were always, that's so funny you say that.
There were Asians in my neighborhood that handed out money. That's right.
That's why we did it. You hand out money? Yeah, a dollar.
What is that with you guys? We love it. Money's better than candy.
I'll tell you that right now. Because money gets you candy.
Dude, for fucking Christmas, let me say something. Let me say something about Christmas, dude.
Okay. Growing up, when we were six years old, my dad goes, no more no more christmas tree because the lat will fit when i was five they put one up and it stayed in the house all year round yeah but to the point where all the pine fell off needles is that what it is yeah yeah so it was just branches yeah Yeah.
So all your, and then my mom would put squid on it. What? You had to dry the squid.
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like laundry.
Well, laundry makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it was like laundry and like dried squid on this fucking branch tree. And my dad wanted to go, no more.
That's really the nightmare before Christmas. That's what that is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the most impressive thing you ever got?

For Christmas?

Yeah.

I mean, my dad would give me those Visa gift cards, but I was like, I wish you put some thought into this.

Yeah, what is it about you guys and thoughts?

I don't know.

You white people with your thoughts?

Your brother's not white.

I want feeling with it.

Yeah, we do.

No, no.

Every year, like Kalilah, right?

I would just go, here's an iPad.

And she was- She's like, you know, every year I get an ipad but she's i know but that's eight hundred dollars she's mixed right yeah but she's still white the white side was like the white side was like i want thoughts yeah it'd be nice to get an ipad and a note no note what's the note for show some love yeah no i say it verbally do it to me right now give me a note okay dear who are you me do you have to be you i'm me all the time i don't want you to be you want me to be be just some my neighbor john i'm john your neighbor okay dear john what a beautiful neighbor you are thank you are you okay john oh yeah yeah and you know so what a beautiful neighbor you are thanks are you okay john oh yeah yeah and you know it's so what a joy this time of year to share my holiday greetings with my neighbor john anyway happy christmas i have cancer yeah and i go bye oh here's our ipad oh yeah yeah i'll read this in hospice yeah but what i'm saying is is you guys about especially women with their i want feeling you know it's like yeah we want some emotional attachment no no like that's more important than the gift yeah no yes it is oh so you'd rather have okay you'd rather let me say something all right you'd rather you okay i'm sorry a lot of white women in the studio today be careful you're outnumbered that's why it's getting me crazy I know enough of the pumpkin spice it's not a good flavor I agree with you this is bullshit pumpkin's bullshit it's not a good flavor it's never been a good flavor go fuck yourself you're never gonna stop that pumpkin has no business white people stop crocheting no no no that one I'm cool with and your. We need batminton.
We love it. I'm tired of your white ways.

You don't want to smack a shuttlecock once in a while.

What?

It's called a shuttlecock.

You don't want to smack that thing around.

You don't want to smack a cock in the backyard.

I'm sorry.

But no more pumpkin spice.

Pumpkin spice is disgusting. And no more thoughts.

No, thoughts are nice.

Because let me say something.

And this year, for your birthday, because you did such a great job on my birthday thank you

i'm gonna have to put some thoughts into it yes but i don't want to that's why it means something that's why it means something but you're the only one i'm gonna give you thoughts i like that yeah yeah i like i'm like i'm we're going i'm going to hawaii with a young lady okay Alright

Private Jet?

No

Spirit?

Yeah okay all right private jet no first class spirit yeah oh yeah you give her the window seat yeah yeah um west jet west jet back right and you know you're gonna stop by canada first yeah so you're going to hawaii with a nice young sweet one i'm saying is and you're going to rebuild houses that's no we're going to find kids first what are you going to do with them no i mean there's some people missing so we're going to go to maui oh you're going to search for the un sure oh that's sweet that's why we're there that's nice but then we're going to tan too and eat nice food and this is how i tan right here like this but anyway um anyway, that alone, right, is a thoughtful thing that I'm doing. Taking someone to Maui.
Yeah. Like when I take you to dinner and I pay for it, right? Yeah.
Do I pay for it? You always do. I always do, right? Yeah.
That's thoughtful. It is.
I love those words. But I don't have to say it and I don't have to put any thought into it.
Right. Yeah.
But you know, the gesture is nice.

I do every day.

I do generous gestures of love.

Give me a GG of love right now.

What did you do today?

What's a generous gesture of love that you did today?

To you?

In general that you did today.

What did you do today?

You said you do them every day.

What's today?

Oh, I know.

Okay.

Today's Tuesday.

You got your nails done.

That's not it though. You got your hands shortened.
No, no, no. I mean, no, I got it.
No, I got my nails know. Okay.
Today's Tuesday. You got your nails done.
That's not it though.

You got your hands shortened.

No, no, no.

I mean, no, I got it.

No, I got my nails done.

Oh.

Right, right.

I don't know if they're shrunk.

So I go to a place with a bunch of.

Hold on.

Let me see.

Yeah.

Beverly Hills Housewives.

Yeah.

They've got work done.

Yeah.

Right.

And they're always like... They're always like...

Right?

Right?

Right?

And I give them $100 tip, hands, and foot.

What?

Separate.

$100 a piece?

Yeah.

That's insane.

That's...

But...

That's generous.

Is that thoughts?

No. That's just...
Is that thoughts? That's rich guy shit yeah yeah but still dude i'm telling you right now i'm gonna all right i'm gonna call somebody out right now i'm gonna call somebody out right now dude all right okay well i'm not gonna say his name but you can guess okay he's a he wrote a bunch of spiritual books very popular spiritual l ron hubbard Someone like that I used to work at a restaurant Way way back And the spiritual guy used to come in there And he wouldn't tip that well And we knew that he had money Ram Dass or whatever his name is Not Ram Dass What are you fucking talking about? Ram Dass would tip Jesus Ram Dass he would all tip What's going on with you? Yeah, yeah? Ram Dass or whatever his name is. Not Ram Dass.
What are you fucking talking about? Ram Dass would tip. Yeah, yeah.
Jesus, Ram Dass, he would all tip. What's going on with you? Yeah, yeah.
Ram Dass. Was that a joke or was that an honest guess? No, I thought it was because he's by San Diego sometimes.
So I really thought. When's the last time you jerked off? You look, you feel like you're built up.
Days ago. No, I'm not.
I hooked up with a girl last night. Come? She had a shirt that said I look.
Did you come? Yes, I can. Okay.
All right, we'll get to that in a second. to that in a second.
Give me back to the famous guy who didn't tip. Four days, by the way.
Huh? Four days. For you? Yeah.
Someone's holding out. I'm holding out.
That thing is going to... I know.
It's so hard. And last night was the toughest one.
I know. Last night was...
Pumping up that balloon, it's going to pop everywhere. I was playing Starfield, right? You were just coming during Starfield.
No, no, no. Well, yeah.
So exciting exciting the game now i'm playing starfield and i'm on a planet and i'm like you know at a uh weapons installation got it but let me finish yeah right there's too many details just and yeah and also like the crimson fleets there so i'm going around right with my fucking gun i got a new gun guy that you know I mean upgraded and stuff in my house in a killer city I have a house in a killer city oh cool let me finish right and so I'm like you know snipe snipe snipe snipe yeah yeah yeah but my dick is like snipe snipe too oh see what I'm saying? Got it. Do you understand? You're ready to snipe.

Right.

And I'm like, hello, Toki.

You know, what's my penis's name?

Toki Dum Dum.

The Dum Dum.

The Dum Dum.

Sorry.

Apologize.

What the fuck, dude?

I know, I know.

Yeah.

Don't want to offend the guy.

Toki the Dum Dum, right, was up.

Ready to go.

Right?

Man, this story is like your sex life.

Like, is he ever going to finish?

That's a zinger, dude.

Thank you.

That's a zinger, dude.

Thank you. That's a zinger, dude.
I like it. Montreal next year.
They hunt. Oh, this guy.
Montreal next year, dude. Get only up.
New faces. Anyway.
Uh-oh. We'll be right back.
I take back what I said. I'm sorry.
Did you do that? I hope not. When you give him a good zinger, that's like when you poke one of those voodoo dolls.
I'll never choke again. So anyway, I'm fine.
This guy didn't tip very well down rich guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Well, no, I pinched the head of my dick.
Let me finish last night. I like how these two things are kind of.
Well, it's like I'm like a Tarantino movie, dude. Really are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I pinched the head of my dick and he went when you're right choked him out but then he went back to sleep right i did like a well you tapped him out i did a rear naked choke i did a rear naked choke to my dick dude you tapped out your dick i tapped out my dick dude and he's like tap tap tap tap right right but there was no ref yeah there's no ref no that's it he let's it.
He let it happen? Yeah, so I let him pass out. Wow.
Yeah, you know, because my fingers are like, you know, black belt in jujitsu. So I pinched him out.
He fell. Anyway, back to the spiritual guy.
He didn't tip that well every time. And I know a lot of guys that don't.
So for you to, you know, when I went to the. Nail salon.
Yeah, so don't do that. Don't not tip.
No, I'm just saying, don't say that because I have a little bit of money and i tipped that was still generous first of all a hundred dollars is more than generous that's rich guy shit twenty dollars a person would have been generous can i tell you why i do that though because you only have hundreds no well that's true yeah that's true yeah let me look at my there is no there's no small bills that's the problem let me look same thing we were what we were valeting said, do you have any money? I said, just give me a couple bucks, a hundred dollar bill. It's like, I can't give that to the valet.
That's insane. Why would it...
That's too much money. He would have done that though.
Look, a hundred, a hundred, a hundred. Yeah.
Oh yeah, they're all hundreds. Right.
So that's what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, but do you know why though? Get smaller bills.
No, but guess why? Do you know why? Because you get paid in hundreds. From where? Shows.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
So it's not. But go to a thing and break it.
You're right, you're right, you're right. What was I saying? Give that money to the girls.
No, I don't want to. Give it to the girls.
They have money. Look at them.
They do not. Yeah, look at them.
They do not. They're Pumpkin Spice Girls.
Are they Pumpkin Spice Girls? Yeah. Look at them.
They're Pumpkin Spice Girls. Look at them.
They're crochet. Well, one of them knits.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess which one knits.

They probably have an ottoman.

Do you have an ottoman?

What do you mean?

I have an ottoman at the house?

Gay.

Gay.

Who's gay here?

Right?

Well, it's easier to blow my boyfriend when my knees are on the ottoman.

I don't want to go on the ground.

It's hard.

I bet you one of you girls, right, have nooks.

Yeah, they have a nook.

A reading nook.

A reading nook.

A breakfast nook. And you probably have candles that smell nice.
Right? I don't. I love candles.
I refuse. No thoughts and no candles.
These are all great things. And you probably have a barrel of rice somewhere.
I mean, yeah. We all have our thing.
We all have our thing. Okay.
Alright. Anyway.
You don't have good smelling candles in the house? I actually do. Yeah, you do.
I just bought some, I bought a gigantic Santel one. I love those.
What's that? It's a gigantic Santel 33 from La Laba. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a gigantic. It was so expensive.
Give me, what? Six, $700? $1,000. $2,000.
I don't want to talk about it now because of the- Tell me how much. Tell me how much.
The big- Well, I bought two candles and a gigantic one And then two sprays I spent about 400 bucks maybe Oh that's not bad I mean it's a lot of money but I thought it was For some reason in my mind I thought that was going to be one of those FYI I don't really have a lot of money Okay let's move on I thought by the way I thought when Oliver was here he was going to get you to Put down the vape he did make it seem like he was going to get you to stop vaping well this whose fault is this the guest in the room whose fault was Jules wait whose fault is the why I'm smoking Jules again Carlos thank you well I mean I know thank you you fucked me up again well you know you fucked me up how did I fuck you up? Okay, I'll tell you this. Okay, you tell me everything.
You gave me 100 milligram edible. It got me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
A couple years ago. I'm sober now, almost two years.
Yeah, but it lifted me into another level of weed use, and I've never gone back. So he forced you to eat it? Well, he offered it to me, and I didn't want to deny it.
So I put you at another level of consciousness. Yeah.
I like it. Yeah, good.
And you're probably dreaming better. That night, I did dream really well.
You're welcome. And then he employed you and pays your bills.
He employed you and pay your bills and whatnot and such. Thank you for everything.
Did you get your car fixed? You know he got his car keyed? Oh, shit.

The first fucking week

this guy's got a car

he gets keyed.

Yeah.

This guy.

You got it fixed?

No, you're never going to get it fixed.

That's what I said.

Like my, you know, my car?

That's what I said.

Well, you're never going to get that fixed.

I'm never going to get that fixed.

Everybody at the comedy store,

there's a running bet

on if you're going to get it.

Are you really?

Richie over there is like,

just let me fix it for you.

Yeah.

No, he wants to fix it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I wish

we get to show a photo to the fans of your car. It's so badical you know when you see a car people at home you know when you see a car that's in one of the junkyards and it gets smushed from one of those machines his is like if they did it to the sides they smashed the sides and they picked it up and moved it well i know it's not your fault but it's hysterical it's been that way for what six months a year yeah i just okay i mean i just don't know what to do well do you want me to do it for you because i know you you gave me a guy then i had my guy call the guy we made an appointment they go okay come at three o'clock or whatever whatever right yeah i just never showed up well that's so by the way my guy's so good he'll fix it for i mean it's i know the guy we contacted that guy that guy was like yeah and when we go on tour the next time, this time- We're getting it fixed.
We're getting it fixed. I like it.
All right, tell us about your little expedition the other night. Oh, I went on a date with this girl.
Yeah. And she shows up wearing a tank top that says, I love cum.
Stop. In public? Yeah, in Echo Park.
Oh, man, I get back in my car and go home. No, she's hot.
Why? She's Italian. That means she- You're going walk around with a girl that has a shirt on that says I love cum? Let me say something, okay? To be fair.
If I'm a smoothie... Huh? If I'm a smoothie...
You're not. I know.
But let's suppose I was a smoothie hypothetically. I see it now.
You see it right. And I'm like, you know, a banana smoothie.
Oh, yeah. Right? And...
Chocolate lovers? And I want someone to drink me.

Right.

I'm going to drink it.

And I'm on I'm on a hinge.

I match with a girl.

Oh, I thought you said unhinged.

Right.

So I.

True.

You know what I mean?

They don't have leg smoothies.

No.

Right.

But, you know, I mean, I get to the house.

I knock.

Right.

And the door opens and she has.

I love smoothies. Oh, I drink smoothies or whatever.

I would be excited.

That's what I'm saying.

Right.

But in this scenario. Yeah.
It's true. You have come inside you yeah she likes the come right you like it when the come is being retrieved from your body you know yeah you don't like it when it's released from your body no but it's more fun when I don't really know how much she loves it yeah but what if she didn't like it at all let me give you a better example okay all right sorry that was when I go to my family's no it's a great example when i go to my family's house yeah right like my extended family yeah and they cook a dish that i like yeah that's a fun surprise i don't need to know the whole time that the dish is on its way i like to be surprised right i like to get through but what if they bring out poo what see that's what i'm saying oh you're thinking they might flip it on you.
Yeah, they might flip it on you, right? So... Would it be cooler? What's your favorite dish? Of all time? No, the dish that you're at home and you, you know, it's a surprise or whatever.
Lasagna. Oh, great.
Love lasagna. So you're sitting there, right? You smell lasagna, right? You're at the dinner table, right? They light the candles, you know.
What are the candles for? Oh, does it smell good in the room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the whole house smells like lasagna what are you doing yeah yeah and there's like the flavor of the candles pumpkin spicy no i don't like them oh whatever okay okay i'm blowing them out and you're like you're you're looking at the nook and you know what book am i gonna read and you i'm gonna put my feet up on that ottoman right what she knitted right and then in your head right and you're like i smell the lasagnas coming, right? And then they bring out poo.
So what I'm saying is, is that. Wait a minute.
If your aunt had lasagnas coming on her shirt. You had some weird dates, Bobby.
Wait a minute. Is it poo or is it cake? That's a good show.
Is it poo or is it cake? I think, I don't think my, think it could you got it what i was saying no one else on planet earth understood what i was saying but you know what imagine if you had to eat it first is it poo or is it cake you're not allowed to cut it right i know what you're saying i know what you're saying okay good let's hear the rest on the same date. A girl who wrote, I love cum on her shirt, which by the way, it's not sold.
That's, you know, I can't scoop that up at American Eagle. That's a custom shirt she had made.
Well, yeah, she told me. She went down to the Santa Monica Pier for the same guy that does like caricatures and he's like, you want a shirt? What do you want it to say? Yeah, she liked it.
It said, I love cum and it did get me a little excited but then to be fair you do forget about it after a while you forget that she's wearing a shirt that says i love cum yeah because she has a jacket and like it just says i love c for a second so you could kind of forget about the whole yeah i wouldn't forget oh so the c's in the middle of the shirt yeah it's a c-u-m the cum goes up no it's vertical it's c-u-m oh it's oh okay okay okay okay. So what I also want to know is where did you take this human on a date? Oh, so we went on a walk with Archie, my dog, at a park.
Oh my God. And then- Not to a restaurant or a facility or a bar.
That was her fucking idea. I'm normally not the, oh, let's go on a walk guy.
Like, that's crazy. That's not crazy.
I think that's a nice date. See, I never do that.
I'm just like, meet me at a bar or restaurant. No, no, no.
Take a walk. Okay.
Yeah. So we go to a bar.
I can't bring my dog in. So I go, why don't we just go to my place? Oh, a little trickery.
It wasn't trickery. No, no.
It's a little trickery. That's wizardry at hand.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Well, she invited me to her place. So I was like, no, we'll go to my place.
I knew my place would be nicer. That's Expellius Siminus.
You did a little fucking trickery on her right there. Harry Potter, dude.
Thank you, dude. Expellius Seamanus, dude.
Expellius Seamanus. Yeah, yeah.
Here's the problem. Now you're going to employ this in the future because you know you can take the dog out and go, we can't bring the dog in here.
Oh, a million percent. Right.
So it just taught him a new move. Yeah.
Now he's going to take the dog on all the dates to go, you guys don't take dogs in here? And they're like, no. Is it a service dog? And he's like, well, yeah.
And they're like, I'm sorry we don't. He's like, this is embarrassing.
Yeah. And this is my best friend.
You're not going to let me and my best friend and this new girl I'm dating. I mean, this is a fucking move, dude.
I know. Hell yeah.
This is a huge move for you. Yeah.
So you guys went right back to your place and that's it. What if she says, we'll just drop the dog off and then we'll go? No, no, no.
I was like, let's just go to my place. She was all in.
No, he's asking you an alternative. an alternative this he's calling it alternative what's the question if she says drop the dog off the house i want to go back to the bar that's a lot of driving to go all the way home okay good good i'm just i'm just trying to be diligent i gotta tell you you're you're you're if you say that to her you're kind of cutting yourself out keep in mind she loves let me oh yeah that's right okay let me you're in the place now yeah it's because i have certain moves okay well moves Well don't give them away on the show I'm never going to say my moves No I'm going to write a book one day Bobby's moves You'll write a book You'll write a book At Sephora we've got what you want Because you're obsessed with, and we're obsessed with what it needs.
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Sheathunderwear.com What do you do? Do you go... The movie's sitting outside on my deck.
What? We like, we like chill outside on the deck,

smoke weed.

Oh, you smoke weed,

do drugs?

It's not drugs.

I'm not giving her fentanyl.

I know, I know.

But still, weed is a drug.

Well, they're not going to be sober.

I know.

All right.

So you smoke weed,

you giggle.

Do you tell a joke?

Yeah, we talk about things.

Oh, you probably Google like

dwarf skeletons.

No, that's only...

Right?

That's a good one.

No, I can't do...

Give us a topic on a date

that you bring up in a conversation. Yeah, you're the girl i am yeah oh man this is a nice deck oh thanks i just moved in here cool yeah what do you pay for rent here uh like 3 500 that sounds right yeah do you want to smoke a joint um i'm gonna light one okay cool that's cool do you want some no i'm okay you it's pretty good i'd rather have come right this way okay wow i guess that worked yeah wow did she keep the i love cum shirt on while you guys were hooking up no that would have been funny yeah it would have been but no she you're taking each other's clothes off she's what smoke the cum she said i'd rather cum right i smoke it i did go to a girl's place and out of nowhere she lights heroin on a spoon she started it starts bubbling like pulp fiction out of nowhere let me tell you something i bet you it wasn't out of nowhere you're right it was yeah yeah an escort in hollywood was an escort no regular joe schmo is just lighting up h on a spoon like whoa where did that come from i bet you the circumstances led themselves to know this person's gonna do heroin can i say i was on i was at the korean spot at two in the morning the other night and it was on so i was on western and wilshire six like in that area right and then there's a string of prostitutes out there and I had I stopped and I had my window rolled down and I see a prostitute and she looks and I went hi she said hi I did why I don't know why you were playing with fire you wanted no I didn't know what to do so I go hi and she's like she did something with her friends like move on cop cop cop cop right away really yeah yeah you'd feel like a cop i'd be like that's a hi and i rolled up i was like why did you say hi like that i've never been propositioned i had i had a girl look at my car then like look at me and then go and then look the other way i've never even had a look like a cop.
I look like a cop, 100%. Yeah.
I rolled out my window once in Hollywood and just stopped where they all are. Yeah.
And I had my door unlocked. Yeah.
And I just wanted to see what would happen. Waiting for one to get in? Yeah.
And one did get in, but it was not a woman. What? It was a man dressed like a woman.
And I went, oh, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm good. He was also wearing an I Love Come shirt, by the cum shirt by the way same guy but I was really lucky he she got out of the car they got out of the car teach yourself the right shit all right I have a story to tell yeah please so one time I gotta say some this guy's name so there's a comic name do you remember him yeah I remember that guy right so one night he was like after a show we're at the store he's like let's go down to Santa Monica I go is there a restaurant there it's like one in the morning there's stuff to eat down there I know and I go where is it no no no let's get you know prostitute oh I go but they're all guys down there he's like dude you're not gonna know the difference ooh you might he's right wait dude really you're not gonna know the difference well some of them are really hot I've seen some really hot trans I mean I would know the difference I think I would know the difference I think I would know the difference yeah sometimes I don't know the difference no no no we don't wait sometimes you don't know the difference what you don't see the Adam's apple I don't look there I'm not looking at your throat when I meet you oh you don't look at the throat that's the key never look at the throat don't look at the throat it makes sense it's more just like hands you don't look at the throat.
That's the key. Never look at the throat.
Don't look at the throat. That makes sense.
Hands? You don't look at the hands either. No, and that's what happened.
So the guy who got in the car, it was like a black guy. Huge hands.
I was just like, dude, this is not a group. You got to be careful letting people into your world like this.
I know. Did you see this cop that hooked up in the backseat of his cruiser? Do you see this? No.
They have it on video. It's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like hooking up with this chick and then they get in the backseat of his cop car in like broad daylight it wasn't even like trying to be discreet you saw this fans it's crazy no but then apparently he says it was in the news apparently he said that it was consensual and they had done this before he stopped someone but it looked like yeah it obviously looked like he was being bad boy bad boy what you gonna do what you gonna do when they come for you those are good lyrics you should write a song seriously yeah that's really cool bad boy bad boy what you gonna do what you can do when they come for you like that's essentially like a lyric you know like a vibe yeah man what is it say the bad boy bad boy bad boy what you gonna do oh this is great britney spears dancing with knives let's take a look at this real fast fuck yeah dude hey can i can i tell you i already made a joke about this a long time ago spinning on this show we were all like free britney free Britney.
And I said on this show, are you sure? Remember? Are you sure? You're saying she's too free. Are you sure you want her free? Yeah, she's a little too free right now.
People are like, she doesn't need a conservatorship. Are you sure? Yeah, you're right.
Are you sure? You're right. She's wielding kitchen knives.
Look at her dogs in the background. One of those things is going to end up at a restaurant.
at the way she's waving around those knives show play the video again it's bonkers i feel i love this girl i feel bad there's no way this is chill started playing with knives today why brit don't worry they're not real knives halloween is soon yes they are those are knives what would it be like hooking up with her you think i like that he's pretending those are not real knives those are definitely real knives they are real those for sure real those knives are definitely not fake says the internet what would it be like to hook up with her is that what you're saying well just the date her no no just the after hookup talk you know you have that talk the chat yeah the chat you're naked yeah you know you get the towel i'm a towel guy so you stay naked the whole time i do after you hook up do you put on any kind of clothing this is most most times you put on something yeah not me not me me, not me. I put on a costume.
Oh. Oh, really? Yeah.
I used to do that. Yeah.
I used to do that. I used to do Robin.
Yeah, I'll just put on, I'll put on a costume. I'll put on Iron Man mask, just a butt naked Iron Man mask.
Honestly, I feel like you and Britney Spears would be perfect. Yeah, yeah, now that I think about it.
But what would she talk about, do you think? I imagine. Her legs over you, you're sweating.
She feels like, oh, that was great. She might sing to you.
Ooh. I know.
Ooh. A new song though.
Not even a better. Oh, Bobby, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby, Bobby. How was I supposed to know? Yeah.
And then you probably do a dance too right hit me bobby one more time time time you're like i gotta go i have to leave my cars here wait you haven't seen my knife dance come see my knife dance oh you're gonna love it yeah in my living room i wave knives and i tick tock oh by the way i called it on the show a long time ago if this leads to something crazy like they put her back they 51 50 her i should have made a bet on the on our fans because people were like it's 51 50 that means it's the for for uh mental health uh what is it called what's the pops come and take you and take me to them 51 50 is when you are mentally unstable that's when you um what is it? Allows a person with a mental challenge to be involuntarily detained for 72 hours psychiatric hospitalization. So you can 5150 someone to be like, I'm worried they're going to hurt themselves or hurt someone around them.
Yeah, like we could 5150 you. Please don't.
You could 5150 me. Yeah, I would never do that though.
Of all the people in here that we would 5150. Let me guess.
One, two, three. Carlos.
I mean, what the fuck? Wait, you think I'm like losing my mind? No, I just think you're a threat to society. Yeah, yeah.
Like I feel like you could cause physical harm to society. I do.
When I leave the house, I definitely like. I know.
I want you inside more than outside. But you know what though? Can I be honest with you? He's the only one I really trust here.
100%. I agree.
He knows that. He knows that.
You would fucking... If I called you and I go, you gotta help me borrow this body.
Oh, it'd be so fun. See, that's what I'm saying.
See, that... You need a 5150 in your life.
You need one 5150 in your life. You need one 50 150 in your life.
Get one 50 150 around. Yeah.

Like, honestly, this is a

like, let's say I relapsed.

Already excited. Well, see, I'm nervous.

See, this makes me mad. Yeah, because they party together.

Yeah, party dude's not

going to help you. Honestly,

if I relapse and I called you, I'm like,

dude, check it out.

I want some old school, a sheet of

acid. Do you know where to go my my closet oh no yeah and would you bring it over um be honest honestly i would call andrew it's about love dude thank you that's fucking bullshit no it's not dude no that's huge that is such a big leap.
That's not 5150 though, dude. He's changed, dude.
He's 5149 now. All right.
All right. You know what? I'm so glad you said that because I was about to fucking get really...
Okay, so then you call him. Then you know what happens.
I'm coming to get your ass. And what are you going to do? If I decide I'm going to relapse, I'm going to relapse.
No, you're not. Not around me.
Not around fucking me or not.

I'm sorry, Mexico. Then Andrew runs to

have dinner. Okay, I don't know what the fuck

you just said, dude. Let me tell you.
What did you just say?

Yeah, what did you say? Slow it down. I said, unless you're

in Mexico, then Andrew runs

to have dinner with some friends

and Bobby gets dropped in my lap.

Yeah, put him. I put him in your lap.
Well, no.

You already showed up fucked up in Mexico.

You were already fucked up.

You were babysitting me in Mexico? Yeah, you got fucked up at dinner. You don't remember this? Oh, yeah.
I remember you tried to order me like a Sprite. He tried to start a fight with me because I ordered him a mocktail.
Yeah, you're so stupid that day. I'm stupid? Yeah, because I'm like, I'm going to get what you're getting, and you come back with a mocktail.
You have alcohol. No, I don't.
I didn't have alcohol in mine. Nobody had.
Nobody had alcohol, you fuckhead. But you were pissed off because there was no booze in it.
You were mad. You were throwing a big fit.
And then you went. I'm an alcoholic.
I know, dude. We were trying to stop you.
And then you went and got fucking booze anyway. And you pooped all over the room.
There's a way. I know.
It's unfortunate. So if I'm going to call him, he doesn't pull through.
I will call somebody. Yeah, but at least when he he calls me I'll be over at your house to fucking get in your way to make it more annoying for you to use but would you I'd get in your I'd roadblock you I know I know but that would be a nightmare if I relapse huh I would not be happy about it no no let's not let's not do what are you gonna do about it I would cry and we cry yeah cuz I've never met you in that state, but I've heard all these stories, and I feel really lucky.
You came into my life, and you're on this good track up, and it would be kind of devastating to see that. Thoughts.
See? And then I'd 5150 you. That's thoughts.
That's thoughts. That's pure thoughts, dude.
That's pumpkin spice right there. the flesh in the flesh dude you know what dude I'm grabbing and rotating toward it I'm gonna get that next time at Starbucks let's get it let's all get it together yeah pumpkin let's all get it in fact you know what order pumpkin spice right now I'm being real get it delivered here McConey McCone go get me some pumpkin spice dude I'm a changed man dude I want a cold do you girls want pumpkin? Yeah get pumpkin spice For everybody dude You know what I mean Carlos give him the card Carlos But I want also an ice version I have money here Come here Pumpkin No just come here Give him cash Come here Get cash Get cash here McCone will you give me Cold food Is this enough Is this enough Pumpkin cold food No give him 200 just in case Really Thank you I think Bobby will want that too He wants an ice I don't think I don't think it costs $200.
It does. It does.
It does. They do now.
They're expensive, pumpkin spice. Yeah.
Okay. It's a really limited spice.
Yeah, limited. It is? He's going to text McCone.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Coney, you know Starbucks is right down the street. Yep.
Great. So get me, but I want mine iced, whatever you get me.
And add two shots to it, an espresso. He'll text you.
Okay, good. And you get these girls, they want stuff too.
Ask them what they want, Moncone. You guys just tell Carlos.
Yeah, tell Carlos. All right.
Are you getting hot or cold? Okay. Let's get back to where we are.
This is so exciting. I know.
Yeah, yeah. But now you're changing.
Anyway, thanks for the thoughts. And I'm leaning toward pumpkin now.
I like this a lot. It's pretty good.
You're changing me, dude. It's great.
See? Yeah, I love it. Power thought you know ottomans and nooks i don't know yet but no you'll get to trust me by the end of the episode ottoman you think so ottoman you'll be there yeah nook is a tougher one to get you on yeah but all she never gonna happen never gonna happen you know one of the flight attendants on the flight back was was knitting something yeah and uh it reminded me of how i used to get knit stuff from family members so lucky and uh how much it means to me when you get that that's why the whites do that stuff because you get a knit thing from somebody and you go i don't even it doesn't even matter if i don't love it it's so wonderful somebody made it and then guess what it goes under the bed in a rubber tupperware i know yeah you don't ever, it doesn't even matter if I don't love it.
It's so wonderful somebody made it. And then guess what? It goes under the bed in a rubber Tupperware.
I know. Yeah.
You don't ever see it again. You never see it again.
Well, it's like a lot of gifts. There's a lot of things I get.
You don't see it again, but at the moment it matters. It's nice that they made a thing.
Like some, one guy gave me a skateboard with my face on it. Yeah.
That was so dope. No, that was the one we made.
Oh, oh. But he actually took a board and just drew art on it.

And I go, that's cool.

And you'll, right. That's good thoughts.

Well, how about this?

The toys that I got you, those custom toys, where did you put those in your house?

I'm like, right in my living room, you'll see, right, right, right, right, right where everything is.

That makes me feel really good.

But that was a, that was the real good thoughts.

Thoughts.

Good thoughts.

Sometimes the thoughts aren't good.

Well, give me an example when thoughts aren't good.

What's the worst present I've ever gotten? Well, you mentioned any kind of card. Yeah.
Yeah. Of anything.
At all? Because I don't even know what it is. They'll go here.
Here's Clim... Climpendales.
Climpendales. The restaurant? Climpendales? Yeah, I'm just making it.
Climpendales. Climpendales.
Yeah, Climpendales. Yeah, I've been there.
Right? And you're like, what is this? Oh, you can get yarn. Oh, right.
Right? And you're like, oh, thank you. Well.
And it goes in a drawer. I get it.
And then 10 years later, you're like, well, Climpendale card. You know what I mean? What are we going to do with it? Yeah.
So, I don't like that. I don't like shit like socks or tie.
Yeah, any of that. Well.
What? Who's giving you socks? My brother used to give me spa socks every fucking year because he's you know i know i know they love socks yeah but they put them on their hands and their feet right right what they put them on their hands and their feet yeah oh this the reason i got that image in my head is because a guy that's helping out around our house right now he had i think he was trying to like he didn't have maybe one glove one glove was missing. He had a sock on his hand.
And I was like, who did we hire? He had a full blown sock? Well, he, one hand had a glove. The other one had a sock.
I think maybe it was for, it was, I don't know. I, so.
Did he put holes in the fingers or it was just a sock? It was like a mitt. It was gloves.
It was a glove and it had the color stripes at the bottom. It was, yeah.
It's like old school's like old school gym socks yeah wow yeah because we're getting our yard dug up in the pipes or can you help me with something though i need somebody i don't know where to go i googled it i just need somebody to put wallpaper up in my house oh i got the guy i have the and then also wood paneling and stuff like that yeah i have the guy who i'll give it to you i'll give you but is he a good guy unbelievable I don't want to give too much of a story away because it's not my business but he was at one point someone of a name that people know it's gonna blow your mind off the air and he could help me yeah he literally fixed it he builds houses he used to be somebody you know like an architect like James no no no he was an actor he was... Oh, so it's an actor that I would...
If he came over... When he was young...
When he was young, he was an actor. Smissions part two, dude.
You were so good at that. Small Wonder? Yeah.
Yeah. So it's somebody I know.
You might recognize the name, yeah. Really? And he fixes stuff.
Can you do this and just tell me? No, I'll tell you off the air. Okay.
I got the guy. You do? 100%.
He's great. Okay.
And he's metic yeah really and he fixes stuff can you do this and just tell me no i'll tell you off the air okay i got the guy you do i 100 he's great okay and he's meticulous and he's slow and sweet and he listens to um jazz while he does it he puts a little jazz music on what's wrong with that i actually really enjoyed it i don't have to be there though right of course not okay yeah yeah door dash oh man we loveDash. Fab uses DoorDash literally every time he eats food.
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I don't like jazz. It's like, you know,

like, that goes crazy.

I like

See, that sounds like jazz that going crazy crazy that doesn't sound like good jazz what no that's like you know i like you like no that's too fast too fast it's smoky it's smoky i know what you know like where it's yeah and i'm walking in i have my suit, yeah. And I lean with my cane.
I pull out a cigar. Right? I do a little jiggy.
I do a little, right? And then I fall over. And I die.
Right. Yeah.
But I like slow jazz. Slow jazz.
Yeah. Well, I like to, you know, what's your people do? Not a not a pasta nova but like oh yeah

what's the

what's the kind of music

the impanina mini

impanina

impanina

no no

flamenco

flamenco

no

girl from impanina

girl from impanina

impanadas

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

that's how

I like that

I'm walking through an airport

in the 1960s

yeah that's how

that's how

yeah that's good. What kind of music is that? You would know that's your people.
Brazilian. Like a Brazilian.
That's not your people. Not at all.
Yeah, my bad. You would like one of us, the social club.
I love that. Yes.
Cuba. Very good.
Still not his people, by the way. But it's adjacent.
Can we learn to do capoeira? That's one of my favorite things. Is that the spinning martial arts? Yeah.
Can we learn to do that? I already know how to do it, dude. Get fucked.
Teach us. Do it right now.
Can you get up and do? I can do capoeira. Capoeira.
Capoeira. Was this a capoeira? Yeah, show me some Capoeira.

I need an opponent.

Yeah, Carlos is your opponent.

All right. Well, you better film it, fans.

Hold on.

All right, go ahead.

No, no, no.

Let's see.

What's the Capoeira music? to music whoa you lost you fucking lost dude whatever whatever that was you lost what that was dope that's it dude dude you lost that you lost that ended so fast fast dude don't you know how dance battles take place? Yeah, dude. Once you get embarrassed's it, dude.
Dude, you lost. That you lost, dude.
Yeah, that ended so fast. It ended fast, dude.

Don't you know how dance battles take place?

Yeah, dude.

Once you get embarrassed, it's over.

It's over.

I'm seeing stars right now.

I was just going to say, you're about to pass out?

I'm about to pass out.

I'm seeing stars right now.

That was crazy, dude.

You sugar-troned a valley.

When I put my...

I don't even know what to say.

The weight on your arm?

Arm, dude.

It started trembling.

I started seeing stars. I'm like, this is a bad idea.
It hurt. My stomach hurts a little.
He got me. That's what it is, dude.
I know. That's a couple of, yeah.
And I'm going to tell you, dude, I never even took a class. Get out of town.
You never took one class. No way.
I think that honestly, I think that some people are born knowing the secrets of the martial arts. You think you've got it in you.
I think I'm instinctually, I instinctually know all forms of martial arts simultaneously going within my body. Holy shit.
And my spirit, dude. Wow.
Oh my God. Oh.
Careful with those. Ow, ow.
Do you understand? Ow. That's what I'm saying.
How did you hit me from over there? And I don't even need to take a class, dude. No, you don't.
I know how to bao. I love bao.
That stuff's so good. Dude, I...
Pork, yeah? Well, they're pork, veggie. Red bean.
Red bean. Red bean.
Red bean. No, no.
That's sticky buns. I like those.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's red bean, red paste.
No, not bao, the fucking pastry.

What else?

Bao.

Yeah, I will.

Yeah, I'll eat it.

I'll have it.

No, whatever.

No, like before.

You don't even know what I'm saying?

What are you talking about?

Bao, the dumpling.

No, no, no.

Bao.

The actual gesture.

Yeah, like thank you for the bao.

What is the gesture?

Come here, Carlos.

Oh. Are you stretching your back? No, kick him again.
What? What? So much violence on this show.

Sorry.

I did hot yoga for the first time.

Oh, shit.

It was really fun.

How hot was it?

It's like 98 degrees or hotter.

No, it's got to be hotter than that.

Yeah, 130.

Is that a boy band?

98 degrees or hotter?

Yeah.

No, isn't it a boy band like 98 degrees or something? Yeah, 90 degrees. Nick Lachey.
Okay. One of my boys, dude.
One of my top dogs. How hot is hot yoga? It was so hot.
I couldn't believe it. I was thinking about you, Bobby, though, if you were there, and I just was thinking you'd fart a lot in that class.
Between 90 and 108. I would say, if you fucking, you go to one of those things, I'm calling an ambulance on the way there.
No, I'm good in... You've done hot yoga?

No, dude.

You guys don't even understand my body, dude.

I don't know if you understand your body.

I do.

You guys don't even comprehend

the temperatures my body can take, dude.

I'm going to, you know what?

You're going to come over to the house

and get in the ice bath

and let's see what you do.

Let me tell you something.

You want the ice bath?

Yeah, we got an ice bath.

I'm going to tell you something right now, okay?

At the Korean spa that I keep inviting you to yeah their ice plunge yeah is illegal yeah because polar bears yeah because it hasn't been cleaned in fucking 40 you're right it's gross it's dirty but not getting in let me tell you something about the korean spa do you do this fucking racist yes i am i've said that on this show for years i'm not going in a fucking spa with thousands of yous that go there don't be what i need to fuck you dude you guys in there don't don't don't don't don't do it you don't yeah let me tell you something okay you want me to go to a korean spa i know they don't sanitize that fucking place that's so untrue it's untrue yeah you've never gotten anything you've never gotten a toenail fungus from there or a athlete's foot because i know you have you fucking told me personally go ahead and say it i don't know where i got it yeah fuck off where else i literally don't know could it be the place where people are sweating all over all over each other? Okay, how about this, dude? Give it. Athlete's foot.
Athletes get it, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. Do they not get it? And they get it by running.
No, they don't. Yeah, yeah, dude.
No, they get it from sharing showers. They get it from sweating in their fucking shoes.
From sharing showers. That's what that's from.
From dirty feet to bacterial infections in public places. Anyway, you guys don't know about my body and my temperature.
Well, then let's go to hot yoga together. I'm down.
I'll do it. My body can take all kinds.
It was so fun. But Pompeo, I would have survived it.
Did you tell the story about the Pompey or Ellen Pompeo? Are you talking about Ellen Pompeo, the actress? No, I'm talking about the politician. Okay.
Okay. Is there a politician named Pompeo? Yeah.
Yeah. I'm yeah.
I'm talking about him, dude. What about it? Go ahead, babe.
Did you tell the story about the shuttle bus at the airport? No. What happened? Don't tell that story.
Okay. No, tell it.
We might have... I don't know how interesting it was, but it was the hardest I've laughed in so long.
All right. Okay, so we get off of there.
Where was it? What city was it? Oh, God. I don't even know.
Cleveland. You guys were out without me.
All, so we're at an airport, and we take a shuttle, you and I. Yeah, we're the last two.
The last two, and it's a packed shuttle. Packed.
And, you know, it's one of those shuttles, it's all, you girls will love it. It's very all-American.
The shuttle they love? No, but the people that are in it, it's like kids wearing baseball, they just got back from a tournament, families, old women, grandmothers. Hey.
What, they have just like an apple pie with them or something? Yeah. And a baseball.
The baseball was inside the apple pie. Yeah, dude.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And it's like quiet and people are.
And we have to stand. And I'm wearing, I'm listening to music.
But I go, I go, uh- i go oh it's a coming you know how your mind does that right and i don't know how so i have my music playing so i bent over a little bit no you walked to me okay bent over onto me onto her and i ripped one so loud right that the whole bus heard it. Yeah.
Right? The all-American bus. Yeah.
It was so quiet. And people were like, right? But one father, an old white gentleman, along with her, tears in his eyes laughing so hard.
He was laughing so hard. The lady behind you, you didn't see her.
She was laughing too. Oh, she was? Yeah.
It was that loud. It was like...
And then right after, the bus driver goes, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the shuttle? So no one could react to it. Yeah, no one could really react to it.
The bus driver didn't hear it? Everyone heard. The fucking bus trembled.
It was like that, but good. You would have laughed so hard.
It was so quiet in there. Then then we're on the bus It's like two minutes Into the ride And he walks over to me And goes Was that loud? I have my headphones in Yeah yeah yeah Just a little And she was laughing so hard I really was Dude we had What a moment You know you and I Have moments huh On the road Yeah we had some moments Some good moments I'm glad I missed that one It was I can't explain it It was so loud That's one that I'm I'm happy I missed Why Because I was in Chicago With my family Not getting farted out But that was a good Yeah That was a really that one.
I can't explain it. That's one that I'm happy I missed.

Because I was in Chicago with my family not getting farted off.

That was a good, yeah.

Because you know I would have been like,

Bob?

Like a dad.

I was upset.

But guess what?

Did it smell?

It did.

Okay, my bad, my bad.

My bad, my bad, my bad.

My bad.

I apologize to anyone on the bus side.

You thought you were going to cruise right over that yeah you shot it right down it did it made it so much funnier than it felt because it's like floating yeah you know i i'm you know i missed our little meals at the airport we're going we're going back out i know but just thinking about the tour, the little meals you and I. Remember that little wine bar restaurant that we sat at A&M? Yeah, that was really nice.
That was really nice. Are you at the store tonight? I have one show tonight, yes.
Let's get dinner before. I'm at the store.
Let's get dinner from here to the store. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What time do you go up? 10.30. I'm at 10.30.
Oh, really? You're not in this same room. We're not in this same room, don't worry.

How long have you...

What room are you in?

The belly room.

Yeah.

Oh, the small one.

The tiny one.

She is small.

She's a small one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But that change is coming soon.

I know it.

The shift is coming.

All right, let's hand out the coffee real fast.

Let's get some coffee in here, Makoni Boney.

Ooh. Ooh.
Thank you. Ah.
Did Jesse get one? Is it pumpkin? Ooh. Cheers.
Cheers to pumpkin. Dude, I'm telling you right now, very good.
You like it? Oh, man. Dude, I'm in, dude.
I'm white. You're white.
I'm in, dude. You're white.
I'm white now, dude. One of us.
One of us. Yeah, yeah.
I think mine's vanilla. Oh.
I wasn't sure if I should say something, but it's kind of funny because we were talking about the pumpkin. You're all vanilla.
Why'd you get her vanilla? I just followed what Carlos said. It says vanilla cold foam.
I didn't write vanilla. I said cold brew with cold foam.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's just funny because all of it was her pumpkin. No, no, no.
Honestly, because I'm not going to have it. It's a waste.
Please do it. Why? Because you're not going to be able to sleep tonight? I'm allergic to pumpkin.
I should have mentioned something. This felt like a bad idea.
Why did I do do this to myself imagine I just turned into a pumpkin what did we learn today I learned I learned about thoughts it's important you might be white will you do me a favor Carlos will you get on like Wayfair and buy him an ottoman right now and ship it to his house I just want to see how you feel about an ottoman once we it in your house. I've never had one, but I don't know what to do with it.

I bet you do have one and you just don't know what it is. Yeah, you have a couch, right?

Yeah. Do you have another piece of the couch where your feet go on?

Yeah. That's an Ottoman.
You have an Ottoman.

Yeah. Oh, that's what an Ottoman is?

Oh. You're white, dude.

I thought it was more like an Ottoman Empire

kind of thing. I'm about to blow your mind.

What? What? I'm about to blow your mind.

Go ahead. You have a little, I mean,

I've been to your house. You have a formal dining room,

right? There's a place to eat,

right? Sure, sure. There's also a little part

off your kitchen that's not really a dining area,

but it's just kind of like a little place to, like,

you could snack, right? Yeah.

That's a nook, buddy. Dude!

You're so white.

You're the fucking whitest friend I have.

You're so fucking white. But I never go go in there It's a Twinkie Okay Oh my Oh my god dude That's a layered joke That's so good Give him credit dude What the fuck did you call me dude You are the Twinkie of this show That's so good You Holy fuck.
Give him credit, dude. What the fuck did you call me, dude? You are the

Twinkie of this show. Holy shit.
That's

so good. And explain

Twinkie for the viewers

that doesn't know. And I'm a Reese's

peanut butter cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, you are.

Yeah, you are. I really am.
So tell me what

a Twinkie is, my friend. Yeah, what do you mean?

To the audience, what do you mean by Twinkie? What do you mean by that, buddy?

It's like yellow on the outside, white on the inside interesting interesting interesting because I grew up during the suburbs wow dude Twinkie is pretty good yeah Twinkie is a very good thing and also kind of say something then what do you call somebody that's just full on just yellow? What about you? What do you call it? Well, what is full yellow? The reason why I ask, I don't know. I can tell you.
Tell me. I call you behind your back sometimes.
What do you call me? Lemonhead. That's full yellow.
That's full yellow all the way through. Dude, you're right, dude.
Lemonhead. Yeah.
Or a lemon. No, Lemonhead.
Okay. Something about the okay something about the lemon heads yeah yeah like bring up an image of lemon head the guy you know the guy in the box how is that not you oh that's my little you're my little lemon head dude i'm a fucking lemon head dude when people and i'm not you know dude let me say something to you i'm not mad at that i know yeah it's sweet yeah yeah you're my little lemon head when they say when people come to the studio and they go what goes on in here i say me and my little lemon head dude is showing from here yeah this is me and my lemon head it's great dude i don't like the do you like that candy though no it's not candy i think it's a trick i think they fucking put it out just to fuck with you yeah no one ever likes lemon there's no chance someone gets gets a box.
Look at that guy. Remember that guy from the commercials? Whoa.
Do him as a guy. Look at him.
Look at that. Yeah, look.
Do you not remember these commercials? No, I don't. Dude, that's a horror show.
Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube.
Bring up a lemon head. This was insane.
They ran these for a short amount of time. Yeah, yeah.
They were nightmare inducing. Dude, that.
Okay. This is one of the candies, by the way, that was handed out sometimes.
If you see someone at the movie theater getting a box of lemon heads, leave. I'm not watching the movie with that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sicko.
Yeah, and what's a juju? Whoa. You can't say that, man.
It was just Yum Kapoor, bud. Bee.
Ah! Jujubee. Jujubee.
Yeah, Jujubee. What is a Jujubee? Yeah, because I had it.
There's no flavor. It's just chewy.
They're gross. Yeah, I mean, it's Juju...
It's a Jujubee. Is Jujubee good? No, they're not.
Ew, it doesn't even look. No, it's that.
It's the colorful ones. Oh, I was just going to say, I did get a really good candy recently, and it's these little tiny gummies with mini nerds sprinkled.
Oh, those are so good. So good.
It's nerds wrapped around like a gummy squishy in the inside. So the outside is a ball of nerds and the inside is a squishy thing.
So good. I know.
All the door guys at the mothership are eating them. Nerds gummy clusters.
They're so good. Whoa, dude.
I got to get one of those. Top shit.
Those are top shit. They combine two things into one.
Let's do that right now with a different candy. You got it.
Go. Here we go.
We take, you know, I know what candy corn. I'm already out.
Yeah. It's like the worst.
It's the worst candy ever made. And you put it with circus peanuts.
Yeah. Circus peanuts.
You're like, what if we wrap jujubees with Tic Tacs? It's like, well, no. Yeah.
All right. By the way, Tic Tacs, breath mint white, the orange one's candy.
Yeah. What was that? Breath mints were the white one.
They said the other ones were breath mints, but the orange ones were just candy. Yeah.
I never used it. That wasn't a mint.
That was candy. Yeah, that's true.
What are the two things you'll wrap? Okay, I got one. Okay.
You know the Chinese. Speaking of Chinese.

That invisible.

That invisible.

Communism?

What are you talking about?

That invisible cloak over society?

Nothing sweeter than communism.

No, man.

Wait, what?

Let me get it out.

All right.

It's that wrap that melts in your mouth.

It's an invisible.

Oh, the Listerine strip?

They're like Listerine.

Or Brethman candy.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, it's an invisible wrap?

You've never seen this before?

The candy with the fucking invisible.

I thought you were talking about the sheet with the dots on it.

No, there's a piece of candy, a Chinese candy. And on the outside of it, it's like a...
How do we explain it? I think you were a scam. No, it's a clear...
Fuck you, man. It's a clear, like, wrap, and it melts in your mouth.
How much did you pay for the invisible candy? What does it take, like? Give me another hundred. I have some here invisible chinese wrap paper candy yeah yeah yeah there we go visible chinese wrap paper candy paper candy yeah what does it taste like what does it taste like bud oh is that a 50 sheets of transparent edible glue that's that no that's rice paper that's rice paper are you eating rice paper they use that for baking I swear to fuck god man

that? No, that's rice paper. That's rice paper.
Are you eating rice paper? They use that for baking. I swear to fuck God, man.
That? No. That's gelatin.
It's a candy with... Put this out.
Honestly, right? Chinese candy with... It melts in your mouth there's a piece

it's a

a layer

a layer it's like a sheet

like a sheet wrapped around a candy

that melts in your mouth before the

candy what's the candy inside oh like a

gobstopper

no those are everlasting oh right

right right right

that

white rabbit

white rabbit dude I never had that

And no those are everlasting oh right right right no that that white rabbit white rabbit dude i never had that buddy yeah what in the fuck is this white rabbit cream yeah dude is that the code name of the girl that came over to carlos's house cream candy yeah it's a cream and there's a yeah see see the outside it's a paper and you just eat that you eat it and the paper melts in your mouth first see that paper yeah and then you get to the fucking rabbit you know what happened these poor little chinese yeah these poor little chinese kids they just don't know how to they just forgot to unwrap it and then the company was like yeah eat it fine fuck it whatever order a bag of that for us please yeah yeah you're gonna love it i want to have a bag of the studio i mean it does it looks just like taffy yeah is that what it is delicious though it's that creamy and it's very light now do we like taffy do you like taffy saltwater taffy i never you know when i go to that's a white when i go to ferris i don't eat it what do you eat at the fair then you gotta. I get anything that's fried like a, you know.
Deep fried Oreos? Deep fried something something. Deep fried Oreos are unbelievable.
We got so many great snacks at that Cracker Barrel. Also fudge.
You guys love fudge. No, no, no, no.
Not all the whites. I'm not a big fudgy guy.
Me either. What's up with like big blocks of fudge? Nah, some whites like that.
Yeah, some whites like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
fudge girl Yeah, yeah, yeah She'll pack a little bit of fudge in but not much But can I say what you guys do? What do the whites do? It's a true delight And thank you so much Caramel apples I don't like them Wrong, you're wrong That's all your teeth. Okay.
Don't make fun of my dental phone hygiene. I think so.
You know what's going to make you feel better about that? What? Bring up Johnny Depp's teeth. It just went viral the other day.
I mean, look at this guy. This looks like my fence.
It looks like my fence in my front yard. Zoom in on that.
Oh, shit. Look at that.
No, that's the picture right next to it. That's the one right there.
No, the Esquire one, bud. That's one.
That's his teeth after the, that they just got a photo of him. Now, look, I'm not being mean, but yes, I am.
What's going on? Are you eating mud? That's so rude. Maybe he did that for Pirates of the Caribbean.
That's exactly what he did. You know what this was? That's called methadone.
He was shooting, is it poop? He was shooting an episode of, is it poop? It does look like meth was involved. Yeah.
I mean, does he... I mean, he's a millionaire, right? This was Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.
He was eating so much ass. Yeah, he's a multi-multi-millionaire.
Butt Pirates of the Caribbean. He was on the high seas.
Oh, I forget this. Okay, can you...
Give me a... Like, okay, let's go to the Pirates.

Those are prosthetics.

Those are fake.

Look at that.

Those are fake.

Those are nice.

Those are fake teeth.

That's not his real teeth.

Those look better than his real teeth.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

No, it's not interesting.

It's crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you... But ladies, even though he has fucked up teeth, you'd still hook?

Not after the Amber Heard trial, they wouldn't.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

No, really, honestly,

if Johnny Depp asks you out

on a date,

Johnny Depp,

are you single?

No.

Are you single?

No.

Okay, fuck it.

If you are single.

You are.

You're single, right?

Well, let's get a poll of all three.

If you were single

and Johnny Depp asked you on a date,

would you go out?

No.

Would you go out?

No.

That's a no from her real fast.

This one's pausing.

Not Austin.

Why not? Why not? She just wants the experience, right? She wants the experience. Yeah, it's like- That's how it starts.
Yep. Then a couple months later, you're pooping in his bed to get back at him.
Throwing a glass at your face in the living room. I wonder if there's a woman out there that's beautiful that has controversy like Johnny Depp that I wouldn't date.
Ellen? Well, there's a couple reasons that that wouldn't happen. Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot about that.
A controversial public figure? Roseanne. Yeah, Roseanne.
Would you date Roseanne? I mean, I have a thing for her. She actually is really...
I love her. Amanda Knox.
Would you date Amanda Knox? She just did our show in Seattle. You know that, right?

Yeah.

Would you date her if you were single?

She's a nice woman.

We have to name a controversial woman that you would go on a date with.

Who's controversial Hollywood female starlets?

Amber Heard.

Amber Heard, right.

The easiest one.

There you go.

Because of the trail, I just know things about it.

We wouldn't get along.

Oh, I know Amanda Bynes.

Oh, yeah.

But I know Amanda, so no, I wouldn't do it.

You guys are so famous.

We can't play this game.

No, I knew her because...

What about Kim Kardashian?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

You wouldn't go out with her?

Who do you have?

We dated a couple years ago.

You did?

Right after Ray J.

Okay.

No.

Yeah.

What about Caitlyn Jenner?

She's got to come out with her. She killed controversy she killed somebody oh yeah would i do it you know i would do it for the optics oh could it's good publicly or what about um what's what's the one maybe like caitlin jenner and her purse show up to one of the imagine how small you'd be next to her like six four six five fucking One of the greatest Olympians of all time Oh you're saying that I would look like a purse? Yeah Like a little bag? Like a mobile fetish she brought She put like a string on you and carry around I couldn't be like her like Maddox? I don't think so You might be her Ottoman Adoptopted kid, no? Bag? Bag.
Your little purse. No, then.
I don't know. I can't.
There's no controversial woman. There's no controversial woman.
Courtney Love. What's controversial about her? She killed Kurt Cobain.
Jesus. Oh my God.
What the fuck? McCain? McCoy! Is it John McCain? John McCain! Dude, his new nickname is McCain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
100% McCain.

Here we go.

All right, Lindsay Lohan.

100%.

100%.

I wouldn't even think twice.

Yeah, yeah, I would go out with her.

Britney Spears.

100%.

100%.

Bring the knives.

Yeah, bring the knives.

Madonna.

Madonna.

100%.

Dude, Madonna.

Change accents while we're talking.

Nicki Minaj.

Nicki Minaj is not controversial.

She's the shit.

Yeah, yeah.

What did she do?

Kim Kardashian, who says that Roseanne Barr.

What about Hilaria Baldwin?

Who's from America, but says she's from fancy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All those girls all the way across.

Anne Hathaway.

Fuck it.

What did she do?

Yeah.

What did she do?

I don't like her.

I don't give a fuck.

She's also.

Oh, can I just say about her?

Great actress. Yeah.
No shit. So good.
No shit. Great actress.
Who's Kangana Rangut? Who is it? Who's this? Renau? Oh, she's a Bollywood star. Yeah.
No? Yeah. Bollywood star.
Now that would be a land. What? Marrying a Bollywood star? Yeah.
Do you know how successful those people are over there? it would blow your mind they're real rich the richest they're like I know our movie stars are bullshit compared to these people but can I say something? yeah they only want light-skinned Indians to make it well look at how light-skinned you are yeah I'm not Indian you could be what? you didn't know that i mean who if i you're right i am i am i am indian yeah because even in certain these countries they they prefer lighter skinned of their people it's the same thing in your countries we're just light skinned no but japanese like dark well that's why that's why japanese carry around umbrellas and stuff for the sun they don't want to get any pigmentation in this yeah but why is that a thing in in the world that like that's how it's racist it's racist but it's also like even it's class it's yeah it's a form of class it's a class system because if you worked outside your skin was darker right this goes back this is this is this is as old as time so if you were a a light-skinned spaniard right it meant that you were wealthy enough to not have to work outside right that's all it was and then if you're and then if you're a guy that you know fucks hookers on hollywood boulevard you're carlos yeah you're mexican yeah but it's not hollywood boulevard santa monica thanks sorry he's mad at you today did you see that i know I'm not mad at him you're in a little bit of a nook yourself right now you're in a little eating nook well it's because he kicked me earlier are you still in pain from this you knew it was going to happen when you challenged him brother you don't challenge Bobby in Capoeira you're going to get fucking work no it's my fucking I got to tell you, we learned a lot today and I'm happy that you're white.

Thank you.

It changes my whole perspective on our friendship.

I love being it.

Thanks for having me.

What can I get?

If I'm a part of the club now, what do I get?

I'll drink some more pumpkin spice latte.

Oh, yeah.

Do I get it like a Lakeview house?

You get anything you want, baby.

I can get a Lakeview house?

I'm white now.

You'll be near the lake.

You won't be on the lake.

Right.

Can I go to the country clubs?

You can come to the dinner functions.

Work there, you mean?

Oh, I'm white now. You'll be near the lake.
You won't be on the lake. Right.
Can I go to the country clubs? You can come to the dinner functions.

Work there, you mean?

Oh, yeah.

Like pour water?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you for being white.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.