Happy Stardew Birthday, Bobby

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Hey! God, friends, on tour, don't miss out. Yes.
We're going to be in Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.
Washington, D.C., October 21st. Denver, Colorado, October 28th.
Then we go to the Midwest. We go to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, November 24th.
And Chicago, Illinois, November 25th, right after Thanksgiving. Minneapolis, Minnesota, November 30th.
Yeah, that's where you're from, baby. And then we finish it out in Madison, Wisconsin, December 1.
You gotta come see us. Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets.
Badfriendspod.com. Also, a little hint for the inside fans, we might be adding a ton of dates come in the new year.
Oh, we are. We might be going international, my friends.
Oh, yeah. Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets.
Badfriendspod.com. Hey, Bad Friends! Go ahead.
We don't have a Patreon. We got a Patreon.
I got got a patreon excited i know and i'll tell you why we have a patreon why why people are like oh why do you guys have a patreon let me tell you something because we're putting out more content on there we have uh behind the scenes stuff from on the road in which little mconey put together also we have not really a bonus episode but it's a another extra little thing that we put on their levels dog there's fun stuff we put on there for you guys to enjoy if you don't want to join that's fine just still remain a fan and the episodes will come out every single monday but if you really love us you can join and you'll get the episode on friday ad free you can have fun with us and we're putting up uh more stuff as we go it's being added as we go and edited. So the Patreon will be there.
Go to patreon.com slash badfriends. Bad friends, right? Isn't that it? Patreon.com slash badfriends.
Patreon.com slash badfriends to sign up today. The link is in the description below.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Are we ready to get started?

Is your mic broken?

I don't like the way it is.

Well, you crank it up this way.

See how I have... It won't crank.

Yeah, it will.

Oh, there we go.

Told you.

Of course it will.

It cranks up.

A little blue-chew.

A little blue-chew in the microphone?

Should we start the right way?

They're really hard to blow.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. I gotta tell you, that looked like, that did look like KKK for some reason.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? What's KKK in Korean? Oh, it means white power.
That's the same thing it means with us. I know, I're not so different.
Yeah, yeah. Welcome back.
Jetski Juicy Johnson is back on the show. It's my birthday episode.
It's a birthday thing. I didn't realize.
Happy birthday. Thank you.
I like that shirt. 52 years old.
Look at you. 52 years old.
Still playing Starfield video games all day long. No life.
You look so Korean. You look so Korean.
I do? Yeah. Oh, do you? My birthday? Holy moly? So explain to all the viewers that are watching right now, we're wearing Stardew Valley costumes for your birthday.
I don't know why I stopped playing it. Who am I? You're Harvey in the game.
You're the town doctor. Harvey Weinstein, the town doctor.
The town doctor. And he likes- Come to my room.
I'll take care of it for you. Yeah.
And then you're Emily. She's got a lesbian.
She works at the bar. She's a lesbian that works at the bar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh.
Art imitating life. And I'm Sebastian, the emo guy that lives up north.
Hell yeah. What like portland where do you live oh just up north

in the mountains man and then um abigail's not here yet but um so can i just say what's happening yesterday's what happened you know so you know i had uh robert kennedy jr on and i wrote one joke and i wasn't able to tell the joke because i got scared tell the joke well you because I go, well, because his wife was on it too.

Yeah.

Cheryl Hines.

Cheryl Hines.

So they're on it,

and so I do the setup.

I go, hey, do you guys fart on each other?

Go on, go on. And right when I said that,

I realized I couldn't do the joke.

Why not?

Because that, their campaign manager went.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it was almost as if like, what the fuck? They've never never been asked that you didn't do any other kennedy stuff did you no i had a bunch of stuff but after this so what i was gonna say is if they'd said we fart on each other then i go does your fart sound different like your voice that would have been a good joke i feel like that would have been received I know. But because I set up the fart thing and they didn't respond to that,

I couldn't do the fucking, did your farts sound like your voice?

I get it.

Yeah.

I get you had to bail.

I bailed.

You said you were really nervous.

Oh, I was pacing back and forth.

Because I've never had like a politician and stuff.

He's not really a politician, is he?

Was he not in the Congress?

I thought he was a YouTube guy and robert f kennedy jr i'm also a huge fan of cheryl too she's the shit she's the shit so unbelievable what a what a power couple huh politics and hollywood the ultimate cabal yeah how much baby blood do they have at their house huh oh so much so much good babies blood Obama baby blood Obama Obama baby blood Obama Obama baby blood what time is it she's late and she knows it 6.05 and you're running late but you showed up let's give it up for the Rudy Jules put on that wig put on the wig and there's a choker too yeah carlos for some reason is really pushing the choker it's a part of the cost uh-huh all right if the village people were stand-up comics let's go through that photo down that one and let's see who yeah so um craig robinson no in the middle yeah yeah craig robinson top left wait wait let me chris spencer chris spencer yeah yeah in the middle Charlie Finn Charlie Hill Charlie Hill Who's on the far right? Shane Gillis Shane Gillis There's three blacks? That's Tony Hinchcliffe That's a black guy And the far left is It's gotta be me, I gotta be the band You're not in it The far left is Jesus you you're not in it oh the guy the far left is jesus trejo there he is there he is yeah they should remake it look at the rudy jewels back in action one last thing i think about the village people though and i don't even know i and i excuse me for even asking this question i really don't know okay are they all gay no none of them only one of them is gay. Be real.
How many are there? Let's guess.

Okay, out of the six,

let's just, before we go.

Before you Google that,

the obvious answer is all of them.

No. Can you imagine being the one not gay guy

in the village people?

They're out having fun every night after shows.

Yeah, and he's going back to the hotel room.

Just to read a book.

Yeah, he's just, he's bummed.

Imagine that one of them is really religious.

He just goes and reads a Bible in the room while these guys are having

fucking popper orgies. Right.

By the way, if they were still around...

They are still around.

They're not dead. Are they touring, I mean?

If they're touring, Carlos should go

to a show. Oh, that'd be so good.
It's where you'd

find all that you're looking for. Everything

you're looking for is there. Are the village people still touring?

Glenn Hughes, the biker, despite the stereotypical

connotations that surrounded his character, is straight.

Wow. There you go!

Wow. Here we are! Wait a

I'm sorry. looking for is there are the village people still touring glenn hughes the biker despite the stereotypical connotations that surrounded his character is straight wow there you go here we are wait a minute here we are dude randy jones cowboy is openly gay felipe rose the indian is openly gay victor willis the cop is sexuality is unknown let me just throw my hat in that no you can't point your finger wait a minute glenn hughes the biker isn't gay he's not gay the that we thought was riddled with AIDS.
Yeah, the one that we thought had the most. Yeah, I mean, has no AIDS.
Well, you don't know that. Oh, that's true.
I don't know his extracurricular activities. By the way, these guys, imagine after a show, the amount of dick that these guys get.
And then Glenn Hughes has to sit there and pretend. Look it, I'm Glenn Hughes.
You guys are the village people. This is the after party.
Yeah, yeah. Ready? Hey, Glenn.
Hey, what's up? You having fun? Yeah, oh yeah. Great show.
It was such a good show. Dude, your ass was jigging.
Oh, cut it out. Your ass was jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly up there.
Please cut it out. Now, anyway, hey, do the thing that you did, the improv jiggly thing you did on stage.
The show's over. Pull your pants down and do it.
The show's over. Pull your pants down and do it.
The show's over, please. Come on.
You guys, please stop making me do this. I don't want to do this anymore.
Anyway. I'm a man of the Lord.
Hey, you want some of those popsicle? Is it a popper popsicle? No, it's my dick. Oh, that is? There's never a stick at the end of these things.
I know. It'd be such a bummer to be backstage they would get would be absurd and then this guy would have to chill that's not true what if they're all in relationships okay no I'm being real now you're making an assumption okay I'm sorry Anderson is making an assumption that these guys are like still single yeah based on some of the some of the more popular ideologies of touring gay superstars.
Liberace. Committed relationship.
Maybe. Okay.
Elton John was. Committed.
No. He was not? I hung out with Elton John.
Oh, you fucked him? You know what? A girl doesn't kiss and tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rudy Jules, welcome to the party. Hello.
Yeah. Why do you think we're doing this episode today because it's your birthday and you didn't say shit yet because i'm waiting for you to be finished yeah she's doing the polite thing now oh that's so nice um sing happy birthday right now and in tagalog or in your life whatever it is we just say we just sing it no sing it i want you to hear it in a different language you were late so you have to sing to him with long uh That's it.
That's how cool it is. We just sing it.
No, sing it. I want you to hear it.
In a different language. You were late, so you have to sing to him.
Whitlang. Whitlang.
That's it. That's how cool it is.
That's it. That's how fast it is.
What a great song. It's so quick, but to the point.
If you slow it down. If you translate, it's happy.
Happy. They don't say that often out there.
You never hear Whitlang. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah. Did they sing in the Philippines? Did they sing the Christmas songs as well? There's like English and there's Tagalog.
I know, but you celebrate Christmas there? Yeah. Can I say something? What? Look at me right now.
Santa doesn't go there. Santa doesn't go there.
No chance. Yeah, he does.
Oh, really? Yeah. It's the happiest there.
Every Christmas. You think.
Every Christmas and there's always. Imagine what Santa has to do.
Santa has to go to all the states, all the cities in America. Yeah.
All of Europe. You think he goes to America first? No, definitely.
Yeah. L.A.
first. Yeah.
Yeah. L.A., New York.
L.A., New York. Right.
Chicago, Atlanta. He's done.
He's in London. It's 5.30 in the morning.
He's coming, right? Elf calls him. Hey.
Hey. You forgot.
Hey, boss. It's a Filipino elf? No, I don't know.
Hey, boss. You forgot.
You forgot. You forgot to go to the Gipsy.
Yeah, you forgot to go to the Philippines. Oh, no.
Yeah. What is he going to do? Bail.
Bail? Yeah, he's going to bail. He's like, I'm not going to cross the Pacific.
I'm going to that little island. What the fuck? And what does it give you guys? Pineapples and coconuts You guys pick those, pick them Sing it right now, I want to hear it You don't even know the words Go ahead Go ahead I don't care Maligayang Kaarawan Maligayang Kaarawan Maligayang Kaarawan Maligayang Kaarawan Now.
Marigayang Ka'arawan. Marigayang Ka'arawan.

Marigayang Ka'arawan.

Now, how often do you sing happy birthday to someone you love in the Philippines?

Do they never sing?

We sing, but it's in English.

Oh, you're stealing our culture again.

Cultural appropriation.

Do you guys steal Fourth of July?

You can't.

It's not about you.

No, you gotta win that.

You gotta win that, man. Undefeated It's not about you.
You got to win that.

You got to win that, man.

Undefeated.

Undefeated. You guys have Black History Month?

No, we don't.

Fuck you.

You should have one.

Yeah, you really should.

Yeah.

How many black people are in the Philippines?

16, I think, last time we looked.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, do you guys have Gay Pride Month or any of that stuff?

I think so, yeah.

You think so?

You would know.

You would know.

You would know.

Yeah.

Look at this. Metro Manila Pride.ila pride pride safe spaces and lab lab what's a lab lab it's when you get tested tested i have no idea so that's the metro oh there is a manila metro pride 2024 gayout.com why has that been clicked a bunch by you carlos so zoom in oh stop stop are those your gay men yeah god look at how handsome all he's so good wow let me see let me see let me see a photo that looks that looks exactly like here and then let me ask cute yeah cute they're all gonna be cute fil Filipinos are all cute.
I'm just wondering what he does for a living. Let's take a guess.
Okay. He scrapes.
He's a scraper. He scrapes something.
I definitely see scrapers. Yeah, yeah.
There's no doubt. Yeah, he scrapes some sort of dried liquid.
Something that was there for a few days. Like a dentist? On the wall.
On the wall? On the wall. On a wall.
High up. High up on a wall? He's got to have a ladder to get up there.
Oh, I see what he does. I don't know how that's so high.
I know what he does. Like a carpenter? No, not like a carpenter.
No. What? Let me say something.
A carpenter? A carpenter? Yeah. Like Jesus? What is this? Yeah.
Scraping. Oh, no, no.
Carpenters always scrape wall, do they? No. I don't know.
What does a carpenter do? They build and they make houses. You know how there's some podcasts that are for science and arts and all that stuff? And you know why we're so big in the comedy world? Why? There is nothing smart to be gained on this show.
We don't know anything. It's really pathetic.
Not one person in here. Even our help doesn't know anything.

I know. They know less than most.

I'm the help? Yeah, you're the help. I didn't say it, but I'm...

What do you think you are?

I'm the sidekick.

I don't think so.

You know what? You're not the help because you never help.

Yeah. That's true.
You're not the help.

Is sidekick a Asian thing?

You know when someone said, like, you're my sidekick. Am I your sidekick when someone said like you're my sidekick is that am i your sidekick yeah you're my sidekick i'm your co-host wait wait stop stop stop this is gonna this is my birthday it's top all right let's let's get to the root of this all right you're my side and i'm your co-host so am i your side yeah welcome back to the show i'm your you're my sidekick and i'm your co-host yeah i'm so i'm your um ed mcmahon you're my sidekick this is your show and i'm the sidekick no no you're misinterpreting okay go ahead you're my sidekick i can't be your sidekick why because you're my little you're my little sweet you're my big little guy but you're my noodle boy you're my fucking um roast beef man that's right i'm your roast beef man yeah you can say that i'm your right hand i'm your left hand roast beef.
No, you're my side roast beef man. I'm your roast beef man.
Yeah, yeah.

You can say that.

I'm your left-hand roast beef.

No, you're my side side.

No, I'm not your sidekick.

I'm not Asian.

Why, because of the size?

Listen to sidekick.

He wants to be main chorus.

Yeah, sidekick.

Oh, what are you?

Yeah, gunfire.

Gunfire.

I go, hi-yah.

I'm your left chef.

I'm Kato.

Yeah, you are.

Is that what you're referring to Kato?

Now you're picking up what I'm putting down. Sidekick's fine.
If I'm Kato yeah is that what you're you're referring to Kato now you're picking up

what I'm putting down

yeah psychic's fine

if I'm Kato

yeah you are Kato

okay good

yeah

yeah

and then I'm Tonto

that's right

am I Tonto

and I'm John Wayne

yeah beast John Wayne

he's racist

he's not racist

prove that he's racist

he played Genghis Khan

in a movie

pretty well

acting acting

acting acting

and he campaigned for it

did you know that

god bless

has John thing

look has John Wayne

said anything racist

I'm going to go to the next one. Genghis Khan in a movie.
Pretty well. Acting, acting.
Acting, acting, acting. And he campaigned for it.
Do you know that? God bless. Has John Wayne said anything racist ever? Let's see.
USC will remove a John Wayne exhibit after actor's racist tirade. Oh, my bad.
So let's see what he said. Let's see what Mr.
Wayne said, all right? You. Go ahead.
Zoom in. The University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts will remove an exhibit dedicated to John Wayne.
As the actor's past bigoted remarks have come under increased scrutiny. Systemic racism.
Let's see what he said. What did he say? I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility, the actor said.
I don't believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people. That's literally, wait, wait,'t i feel like you're improvising zoom in because i can't read it let me read it i can't fucking believe this is i believe in white supremacy

that alone take the statue down this is out of context it's not a context let me finish it i

can't believe it i believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of

responsibility you know i don't even know what he's talking about maybe he's not talking context. All right, let me finish it.
I can't believe it. I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility.
You know, I don't even know what he's talking about. Maybe he's not talking about people.
He might be talking about like colors of candy, like Mike and Ikes, like candy. Oh, like licorice.
Exactly. Black licorice.
Black licorice. Oh.
I don't believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people. Interesting.
Interesting. Interesting.
Interesting. Interesting.
Interesting. By the the way he said that in a 1971 interview in playboy uh that that uh that accredited uh piece of journalism imagine what if he say you know what he said you know when he said that fucking weirdo you know how sometimes like um actresses what do they speak at a graduation at a college graduation yeah when, when they do the commencement.
What? Commencement. He did it at Brown University.

Imagine it.

Right.

Brown University.

Commencement.

You go do it.

We're black people.

Go ahead.

Say it again.

It's great to be here, pilgrims.

Go back to the speech.

Go back to the speech.

I got to tell you.

Wait.

All right.

Let me say something.

Hold on.

I believe. Let me introduce you.
He always gritted his his teeth You're doing Clint Eastwood by the way Oh, I thought it was the same guy John Wayne is kind of Clint Eastwood-y Yeah, they're similar Howdy partner I'm John Wayne John Wayne kind of talked like this This town ain't big enough for the of us. This town ain't big enough for two of us, black guy.

Hey, 2022 graduates from Brown University.

You guys ready for our commencement speaker?

Yay!

So we're huge fans, guys, of this guy.

He's the lead in so many good Western movies.

He also played Genghis Khan in a movie called The Conqueror uh so give a round of applause for john wayne everybody well hey there pilgrims i believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated enough to a point of responsibility nobody i don't believe in giving authority and positions

leadership a judgment to irresponsible

people

that's my time

thank you John

give him a round of applause

so they pulled down a statue of him

is that what it was at USC

well that's what you get

they're not going to

his name is still in the fucking airport in Orange County

John Wayne Airport in Orange County

what should we take away from him

Thank you. That's what you get.
They're not going to... His name is still in the fucking airport in Orange County.
It's still John Wayne Airport in Orange County.

Yeah.

I mean, what should we take away from him?

From John Wayne?

Yeah.

I mean, he's gone.

He's dead.

What are you going to do?

He is dead, but do we take out...

Give him...

I mean, why doesn't...

Why can't we...

Why can't we...

Why can't we...

Why can't we...

Why can't we...

Why can't we...

That's an even better question.

Yeah, why does it matter anymore?

He's gone.

But you know who he is?

No.

So John Wayne... So you know who Keanu Reeves is? Yes.
That's an even better question. Yeah, why does it matter anymore? He's gone.
But you know who he is? No. So John Wayne,

you know who Keanu Reeves is?

Yes.

That's his father?

Yes.

Yes.

That was his dad.

That was his dad. John Wayne was Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves is John Wayne's third son.

Yeah.

You know who his other one was?

Because John Wayne is John's middle name.

His last name is Reeves,

so his name is John Wayne Reeves.

And you're not going to believe this,

but the original Superman, Christopher Reeves john wayne's other son yep and but and he was on a rhino yeah many years ago he was on a rhino yeah rhino back you know i mean through the forest rhinos flipped and christopher reeves his neck broke i thought it was a horse yeah they call it a horse but it's a rhino yeah it was a rhino was a horse. Yeah, they call it a horse,

but it's a rhino.

Yeah, it was a rhino.

Yeah, in the modern day,

we would call it a horse

because we didn't know

what it was back then.

Back then, we didn't know.

Yeah, now we-

We just thought it was

a gray, fat horse.

A big, fat horse.

Dude, that horse

has been eating

way too much hay.

Way too much.

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So the Reeves, let's go back to the Reeves. Let's go back to the Reeves.
This is John Wayne Reeves. John Wayne Reeves.
Had two kids, Christopher Reeves, and he also had Keanu Reeves, the youngest. And yeah.
So do you know who... They're superstars now.
Superstars now. But why is the father important? He was the star of many leading Western films.
He was basically Brad Pitt back then. He was.
Was he handsome? Let's put up a picture and see if you like... But back in the day, he was considered handsome, I think.
Well, let's see if she likes him. There he is.
There's an image of this guy. Now, keep in mind, he was six foot three, big guy.
Yeah. Leathery skin.
He looked exactly like Trump. He was same height and weight.
Look at him. What do you think? No.
You don't like that? You don't like that. Too much of a white guy? Yeah.
Yeah, too much of a bad boy. Look at him now.
Now, do you like him? Look at him on that rhino. Look at that brown rhino.

Look at him on that brown rhino right there.

No.

You still don't think he's handsome now?

What is it?

He's got a little gut then.

He started getting a gut.

This was great about this guy.

You could be a star of fucking film and be fat.

He was fucking fat.

Wait, Google John Wayne as Genghis Khan, please.

I want to show you.

He played Genghis Khan.

You know who Genghis Khan is, right?

No.

Genghis Khan was like this.

Genghis Khan, one of the greatest. Look at that.
He played an Asian guy in a movie. But tell me who was going to play it better than that.
I mean, that looks really good. Speaking of Asian stuff, dude, I got acupuncture yesterday.
It worked, didn't it? I love acupuncture. Did it work? A little bit, but you know because I have the herniation in my back, so my back and my butt and my leg is all messed up so he tapped a lot of the of the acupunctures in my butt and it was wild your butt your butt kind of convulses when it and it's and he says oh it's grabbing the needle and it and it grabs it and pulls it in more so it got deeper into my butt cheeks and then they put on the infrared you've done it before right no you've never done acupuncture wow it's incredible and then they put on the infrared.
You've done it before, right? No. You've never done acupuncture? Wow, it's incredible.
And then they put on these heat lamps over you. So it's supposed to extract all this.
I'm normal. Huh? I'm like a normal guy.
This came from you guys. I know, but my body doesn't need fixin'.
I... Your Honor, I'm going to have to disagree politely.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't have like...
Your body's had too much fixins. That's the problem.
Oh, you think so? think so too many fixings oh too much fat well fixings fixings is usually side courses there's a main course and some fix right okay anyway like when we go out to eat and you go i'll take a steak and i'll also take everything off the sides menu you do you go i do that you go mac and cheese come on carlos give me a fucking do i do that yeah and it's awesome it is rad thank you no i love it yeah and we're about to go back on our girl and do it again this poor girl has to clean out my refrigerator every week god bless and i eat it i was gonna say i bet you have some great finds that's the scrape that's the scraper we were talking about like what do you find it what do you find that you need you keep ordering din tai feng and you don't eat it and it's so good i love tin tai feng yeah it's so good you know what it is yeah what do you mean It's so good. So good.
You know what it is? Yeah, what do you mean? The soup dumplings and all that?

All right, all right, all right.

They're everywhere, dude.

Everybody has one.

Everyone has one.

They're also such a ripoff.

It's like six dumplings for like 30 bucks.

You're like, what?

Yeah, but it's not like-

We went there, I think, at the restaurant.

Yeah, it's not like Mr. Chow's.

Oh my, what a-

Have you-

I haven't been to Mr. Chow's in a long time.

25 years ago, Mr. Chow in Hollywood,

I remember being an assistant. Mr.
Chow was the spot for famous people to go to, but the food is medium at best. Yeah.
So I have a photo with him on Instagram. Mr.
Chow. Mr.
Chow, right? Well, the reason why is because it was at the store and he comes, I get off stage. He goes, hey, buddy, let me talk to you, right? And he pulls me out and he goes, I'm Mr.
Chow.

Whoa.

Where I go, I don't know, what?

Like, I didn't know what it was.

I go, okay, cool.

He's like, come to my wedding.

Why wouldn't you go to that guy's wedding?

I didn't know who he was until later.

I was like, oh, he owns that restaurant.

Always say yes when a little Asian guy offers you a wedding.

I've always said yes.

A little Asian guy comes up to you and goes,

hey buddy, come to the Bahamas with me. I've been to

16 weddings of people I don't know.

I just, little Asian people, they ask me

and I go. And two of them have turned out to be famous.

Ronnie Chang.

Didn't know who he was.

Invited me. Went to his wedding.
Had a great time.

What do you think the second one was? Well, I know it was't Ken Because I was at I was at that wedding You weren't there Steven Yeun Never met them before Went to their wedding Oh you went to Steven Yeun's wedding Sure did I had no idea Sure did Is that how you got beef That's definitely How I got beef Can you imagine me Wait let me ask you You know remember I had to read Three times for beef Yeah I posted I posted a picture of it on my Instagram today. I know, but how many times did you read?

For beef?

Yeah.

Zero, right?

No, I think I read...

Zero, yeah.

No, that's not true.

I read over the phone twice.

We had to do over the phone.

You read over the phone?

Well, we had to do phone chemistry, Zoom chemistry tests.

We were doing Zoom tests back then.

I see, I see.

We didn't do in person. Okay.
So I did it over Zoom. Anyway.
And you weren't avail. Mr.
Rehab. Mr.
Rehab here. Mr.
Rehab. Tell us what's going on in your world, Jet Ski, now that you're living alone, you're free, we're back from tour, although we're going back in literally a week.
I'm headlining. I've been going around.
I just got back from Austin. I went to my high school reunion in Arizona not too long ago.
Everyone thinks I'm famous. You are famous.
You are famous. Talk about the high school reunion.
Did you shake it at some of the boys that rejected you back in the day? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, okay.
There wasn't. Are you tan? Mm-hmm.
I've been going outside. She's been leaving the the house Are you trying to look a particular way

For the male

No I don't

Hey slow down John Wayne

What man

I don't like it when you get too tan

Pilgrim

Well I went to Phoenix and then Austin for like two weeks

It was so hot out there

Are you showing cleavage

If I knew it would have this effect

On you I would have stayed inside

Holy moly. You did a great, thank you for supporting us in Austin.
That was amazing. I had one night off of no shows and Bobby was like, come by, do Tiger Belly.
I popped in there. Yeah, I know it was not as good as Bad Prince, but the crowd was electric.
It was electric.

It was really fun. It was good.
So you did

Joe Rogan's club? Yeah, I did his

club. I headlined my own show, sold it out,

Sunset Strip. A lot of Bad Prince there.

It was really exciting. Amazing.
The mothership

was awesome. It's like a parallel universe to the comedy

store. It feels similar.

Because I haven't been there. Tell me about it.
A lot of the same

people that you recognize from the store work

there. Really? So it feels

like you're in a...

You know what it's like?

it's like? It feels like you're okay? No, I can't do it. That's okay.
Can I not do the wig? That's okay, buddy. My head's so itchy.
Yeah. It feels like you're at a subsidiary of the comedy store.
It has the same kind of classic comics, comic, run the show vibe. Oh, I see.
It's run by comics. I feel at home there, is that what you're saying? Without a doubt.
Yeah, I'm going back in October. Oh, wow.
You're moving down there, I heard. You're moving in with Shane Gillis.
Yeah, he's got it rid of his New York apartment. We're going to just like- But do they have just like nights you just call in for spots? Is that what the deal is there? Yeah.
Anytime you want to go, they would love to see you. I know, but what do I do what do I do? I call Adam and go, hey, can you just text or call Adam?

But on the weekends

they have headliner shows,

right?

Yeah,

but people drop in

all the time.

But that's also

in the Fat Man,

the little boy

has a bunch of different

shows going on.

That's his secondary room.

There's only two rooms.

I see.

Yeah,

they're both great.

Oh,

great.

They would freak out

to see you.

Bobby was like,

nobody wants to see me there.

No,

they would love to see you there.

All the door guys

were like,

Bobby's in town.

Such big fans.

I went down there,

I did six shows. I mean, there's so many comedy fans.
It's All the door guys were like, Bobby's in town. Such big fans.
I went down there, I did six shows.

I mean, there's so many comedy fans.

It's pretty incredible.

Yeah, that's great.

It's pretty incredible.

It's great.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, she looks miserable.

What's the matter?

You look miserable and bored.

No, I just feel like pooping,

but I don't think I'm going to poop.

Do you have to poop?

There's a bathroom.

No, I don't like pooping in public.

Speaking of which,

did you see this Delta flight that had to get grounded because of the somebody had diarrhea on a delta flight so bad they had to bring it down right delta flight disrupted by passenger with diarrhea somebody was spraying shit in the middle of the aisle on a delta flight i swear to god can't he just go to the bathroom or what or the seat belt light was on i think he couldn't hold it. Look at this.
Look at this. All over the middle of the aisle.
Oh, my God. Imagine.
He wasn't wearing pants or? I think he just pulled him down because I think he was spraying shot. I think he couldn't hold it in.
Wouldn't you go in your pants if you couldn't hold it? No. I'd go right in the aisle like that.
Really? You would? Well, yeah. The way these prices of these flights now are so absurd.
The least you can do is let me shit on the floor. What? Someone what? Andrew.
Just stop for a second. Stop.
We really should cut him off. No, no, no.
Here's the deal. Yeah, you're right.
He was attempting to do a joke from a Dumb and Dumber reference. Oh.
It didn't land well. I didn't like it.
It didn't make any sense. Did you just do Dumb and Dumber on SOS VHS or something? With me.
And so I think that there needs to be a boycott. I agree.
So the boycott is this. That was your last straw, friend? That's it.
You and I will never do his stupid show again. Correct.
Well, we already did it once, unfortunately. We gave him a favor.
Never again. Give that mic to Carlos' side.
I want that facing Carlos from now on. Carlos? Yeah.
Yeah, face you. There we go.
I can't have this guy just yab-yabbing into the mic about nothing. Because Andrew was going to do gold.
Yeah. I could feel it.
I had something building up. As his sidekick.
As his sidekick. Hi-ya.
Hi-ya. I was feeling gold coming on.
And then you, my friend, you fucking put a fucking damn in the middle of it. Well, let's give you another chance to do this bad joke.
What is it? Go ahead. Yeah, so you say what you were going to say.
No, no, no. I want to hear him do it.
No you but he had to interrupt you that the timing is impeccable don't worry he'll interrupt me like he always does so so yeah it was a delta flight and someone was someone did a dumb and dumber uh thing there now i know you're editing this but i want you to slowly punch in on yourself. Slowly zoom in on how dumb you look right now.
Yeah. Thank you.
He thought, he's my perfect opportunity to do that dumb and dumb joke. Why is his inner monologue Korean? I don't know.
He is. This is my perfect opportunity to do my dumb and dumb.
You only get one shot. You get one shot.
Here it goes. Here's my timing.
Someone did a dumb and dumber. You can't try to throw a joke when you barely speak English.
I know. It just didn't come out good.
Not at all. Yeah.
All right. So you went your high school reunion, though.
I do want to know about this. You showed up.
Yeah. Did everyone, was everyone excited to see you? Yeah.
And I was excited to see everybody. It was a celebration of my teacher who started the sketch comedy group when we were in high school.
Oh, that's cool. Kind of just let us do whatever we wanted.
And it was fun. I had a lot of memories come back.
We used to like say crazy shit. Like we'd play this game with me.
Give me an example. Okay.
Well, we used to like joke around like we were going to kill ourselves because we knew our teacher would have to file a bunch of paperwork. This is funny.
So for good. I threaten to kill themselves that to me grade a comedy but i talked to him about it and he's like yeah the kids are still doing that so that like continued 10 generations so kids are still pretending to kill themselves they'll be like hey navarro i'm gonna go kill myself and then like laugh because a teacher if they hear that they have to file a bunch of paperwork wait the teacher came to? Yeah, so it wasn't like a typical high school reunion.
It was a celebration for this teacher who started the sketch. Mr.
Navarro. Yes, Simon Navarro.
So it was in the sanctioned reunion. Right.
It was at the school though. It was at the school.
How many people showed up? Look at this. A hundred.
I went in my mom's high school yearbook when I was at home this past week. Yeah.
Look at me. That's you? That's me.
Oh. That's me and that's my boy Dave Walton, Mr.
Buns. Mr.
Buns chilling at North Stadium. Dude, you were a cool kid, huh? Yeah, I was cool enough.
I mean, I had a vibe there, you can tell. You're a really cool kid there.
How do I look? Do I look like I have a vibe? You look cute. You look cute there, dude.
Yeah. And like family Yeah, I had family problems.
Yeah, that's a kid with family problems. So cool and distant.
By the way, I like it says you will usually see them chilling. Me and Dave Walton chilling at North Stadium.
Diverse friends? Well, yeah, bro. Come on.
What's up? Come on, baby. But look at it says chilling at the state, supporting their teammates.
This means that we weren't playing that day. We were benching.
It looks like, I can't tell,

but it looks like you're muscular maybe.

I've always been pretty good in shape.

What year do you guys think this is?

This is 19.

No, I mean, what grade am I in?

70.

No, this is, you're in.

Sophomore.

You're a freshman.

Freshman, sophomore, what do you think?

I'll say junior.

Just for the sake of it, yeah.

I was a junior, that's my junior year.

Oh, hell yeah. Wow, cool.

And I went back in the book and i looked in the back have you fucked that have i fucked him have you no i mean have you did you fuck before that i had just fucked right before i actually like moments before this that's why you fuck your friend dave he was there he's congratulating you yeah he's putting it he was putting it he's like that's see. But I had just had sex that year right before then.
But man, the amount of gel in that hair was something else. That's all gelled out, baby.
Was that the Roman look, right? Yeah, a little Roman. Dude, this is the late 90s, my dog.
Right. And your friend, how come you've never introduced me to your friend Bunz? He passed away.
So thanks. Yeah.
Lucky it's your birthday no really did he die oh man it's my birthday man let me have that one I fucked up how about this yo what's up buns yo rest in peace buns myonds. My boy, Bonds.

You're like an urban medium right now.

This is good.

Just for you, right?

Happy birthday, bro.

Yeah, but good.

Andrew, he was your homie.

No, he's alive and well.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah.

I'd love to meet him.

He's the fucking man.

Where is he?

Where does he live?

Atlanta, Georgia.

How come?

Did he come to our show?

No, he doesn't like Koreans. Oh, shit.
He's not a big fan. big no but why didn't he come really no not a big fan of Koreans from a neighbor fucking real do you know anything about blacks and Koreans no we you mean we get along what the fuck are you talking about stole their art who stole what art Koreans stole break dancing oh hip-hop stuff that's true BTS stole um he probably I don it.
I don't know. He didn't come to the show.
But do you still talk to him? No. We haven't communicated in a long time.
Why? I wish we did. I don't know.
You kind of grew. You just grew apart from everybody.
I wish we did. I loved him.
When I was in San Diego when my friends came. But I hadn't seen them in 30 years.
I know. None of those guys.
And this guy and I were very very close. I mean mean, him, me, and this kid, Brandon Anderson, a bunch of guys from the basketball team.
But it was wild. You kind of, when you grow up, you grow out and you just keep going.
And it's tough. That's why the high school reunion thing, I never went back to those things because I felt like I talked to the people that I kind of still knew.
And I just never have gone back. But think about this.
I never went back. That means 30 years from now, we could be like that.'re 80 And you're gonna show a photo Of me with a little Asian Like half of the face In the photo Yeah And someone's gonna go You're a nude podcast guy By the way In 30 years I'll be 70 I'm 40 Okay And in 30 years you'll be Cryogenically frozen You will be dead I mean what? You'll be cryogenically frozen Honestly you think you'll be deadogenically frozen.
You will be dead. I mean, what? You'll be cryogenically frozen.
Honestly, you think you'll be able to be dead? Yeah. So by the time I'm 80, you think I'm dead? Pretty close.
Yeah, but I could still be here. You could be of this person.
Let's just go back to the scenario. Thanks.
But in three years, you might be like, oh, yeah, it was a guy I used to hang out with. No, you and I will talk to each other till we die.
So you and Dave didn't have that, what you and I have. Well, I knew Dave for a short period of time, right? I knew him for a couple of years in high school.
Oh, that's true. I know you very well for a long time.
Very long time. That's true.
And by the way, do I love Dave? I miss Dave. I miss Dave.
But you? Love. You're something else.
I suck your dick. It's your birthday.
I love a happy birthday, I mean. Should we 69 on camera for your birthday? we 69 on camera for your birthday 69 you but i read some of the comments in the back of this book the stuff that we said insane i couldn't even take a picture and put it on the why oh i'm telling you absurd shit jokes like just fucking dark weird wild shit written in the back of those yearbooks and i only did it once you know we should bring our yearbooks here i'm gonna back.
When I'm in Phoenix, I'm going to grab my yearbook and bring it back. And let's just read some of them.
I would love to. Yeah, I would love to read it.
I'd love to see what people wrote to you and your, don't overdose on the horse this summer. Don't OD this summer.
I love you. You think that's what my- I mean, it's got to be something about drugs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a weird...
Did you just toot? No. What the fuck are you doing? I didn't.
I had a weird... I'll tell you one.
This is wild. I think I talked about this on this show.
We were driving past this guy's house that I used to remember. I'm not going to say his name, but I've told you this scenario.
We used to go there to do drugs because both of his parents were deaf and he had a brother with Down syndrome. Okay, stop There's too much information Have I talked about this on the show? Go back again say it again I used in high school go to this guy's house High school used to go to this guy's house To do drugs So you're in a car You're going to the guy's school You walk in One line at a time go ahead

I'm in

And his dad is probably there

And his dad is

Deaf

So he's basically like

Is anybody here

We knew he was deaf he didn't do that all the time

He wasn't just walking around going

Anybody here

He was aware that he was deaf

Oh so you walk in and he's like

Hi boo

He wouldn't really say hi he would kind of just go like this

Thank you. All right.
He was kind of signing you. Okay, good.
So, I'm in there. See, he goes, hello.
I go, what's his name? Mr. Watson? I'm not going to say his name.
Mr. Watson? Mr.
Watson. Hello, Mr.
Watson. And Mrs.
Watson, also deaf. There she is.
Hello. There it is.
Okay. And then we would into his room, and sometimes his brother would be in there who had Down syndrome.
Wait, so you would go into Mr. Watson's room? Mr.
Watson's son, our friend. Oh, his son.
What's his name? Fred Watson. Fred Watson.
So you go to Fred Watson's room. You're in Fred Watson's room.
And they'd be doing whippets or sniffing something. So Fred's like, hey, Chunko.
Chunko, yeah. Idiot.
Chunko. Sure.
What's the guy's brother's name? Willie. Willie.
That's better. Fred and Willie.
Yeah. Hey, Willie.
Hey, bud. That's how he sounded? That's exactly how he sounded.
I thought he had Down syndrome. Well, you do it.
No, you do it. No, you do it.
But I'm playing the other guy and i'm praying i'm playing fred so you're willy you're willy yeah you're willy no yeah yeah go ahead yeah what hey willy here's some weed willy willy by the way willy didn't do drugs with us he would just hang sometimes near us Oh, so he's in the corner. He was actually so fucking nice.
I'm sweet. And by the way Willie didn't do drugs with us he would just hang sometimes near us oh so he's in the corner he was actually so fucking nice and by the way we'd eat lunch with him a lot of times really good kid very nice but we did a lot of drugs in front of him yes it was a house of chaos two deaf parents and a kid with down syndrome and my buddy and our buddy and we could do whatever we wanted there dude of course you could of course you could well they weren't blind but they were just dead it's as if the cops came they were like we couldn't hear them smoking like you know right they could smell they just let us do whatever the fuck we wanted in there he also taught me I've talked about this I feel like he taught us IP relay his dad let us use IP relay to play pranks.
Do you know what this is? Morgan and Morgan.

McCone, our buddy, got into a little fender bender.

Look at his neck.

Your neck okay?

No, but you told us.

You did say, you say, hey, man, I got a fender bender.

I'm not injured.

But if I was injured, who would you call?

Morgan and Morgan.

Why would you call them?

Because they're the best.

They're America's number one injury law firm.

They're America's largest injury law firm. And guess what, little Morgan, they have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers, little guy.
If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. You're not, but if you ever do get injured, you can.
Submitting a claim is so, so simple. It's easier than me looking at McCone and saying, you're going to be okay, little guy.
Hey, small fry, small fry, you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay.
And let me tell you something. A lot of people don't know where to turn when they get into an accident.
McCone called me. I got an offender better.
It's not that bad. What do I do? People don't know what to do or who to turn to.
Morgan & Morgan has got you covered. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan.
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That's forthepeople.com. That's forthepeople.com slash badfriends or dial poundlaw pound 529 from your cell.
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IP Relay is a government-provided service

for the deaf, where what they do is

you use a phone

with a keyboard on it

Thank you. So the person would say, you and it's an operator that has to say everything i type human operator yeah and everything i type it has to say it to you so the person would say like if i typed an ip relay and i was like hey bobby i can't wait to come look cream out of your asshole tonight hey bobby i can't wait to come and cream out of your asshole tonight and that's what i would say you would have to say it to the other person on the other all right so she's calling me yeah on the phone yeah so go ahead ring.
Ring, ring. Hello? Hi, I'm the IP relator.

IP relay.

I'm the IP relay.

Sorry, it's my first day on the job.

That's okay.

I apologize.

Yeah, anyway, we've got Mr. Gonzalez that needs to have, he has a message for you.

You have a tan.

Why do you have a tan?

Is it because you're trying to attract boys?

I'm sorry. You have a tan.
Why do you have a tan? Is it because you're trying to attract boys? No, I've just been out in the sun too long. Now you reap...
Cool. And then you charge me $50.
That's right. And then they would charge...
But we would use this all the time and we would prank call tons of people in places with random numbers oh that's fun it was so fucking naughty it was so mean and then you'd listen to the other person had to say it oh they had to say it it's awful they have to say it it's like when they do the sign language person when we're doing a show they have to do it so I do things that there's no way they would possibly know we had that at one of the shows yeah that was fun are they changing signs like they change words to be more progressive oh that's interesting look that up oh that's interesting interesting interesting like updating uh what do you call it like this yeah this needs to be changed yeah could be like this like is sign language changing yeah look at this is it changing over time it must be right today's asl includes some elements of of lsf plus the original location sign language over time these have melded into changing to a rich complex mature language but why would you like let me ask you something yeah why would you change the symbol they change midget to little person right but why can it be the same sign language it is it's just low low low low it's even, low. It's even lower? Yeah, it's way lower.
It's way lower. Oh.

Other changes attempt to make ASL more inclusive and accurate.

Old sign for Italy included a cross, but many Italians are now secular.

The new sign traces the squiggly outline of Italy's shape, the famous boot.

So instead of just going like this to represent Italy, you have to fucking trace.

Oh, so they made it harder.

They made it way harder.

See what the young generation-

Yeah.

They made it harder.

This could have been Italian. Or this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah. Fa-fan-culo.
Fa-fan-culo. Fa-fan-culo.
Yeah, yeah. What would the sign for the Philippines be? Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Whoa! Wait, I was thinking about it.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. I guess that's right.
Yeah, she Oh my god Yeah, yeah, yeah No, no, no I guess that's right Yeah, she's like Dude, that's nuts That's gnarly But she said it so fast She knew that was it Yeah Imagine doing the symbol For all the fucking Like, you know Italy is the The food Yeah, but then What if it's just all the Like, what's Hungary? I mean Oh, you have to trace the country? Yeah, yeah the whole thing. They're not all the tracings.
Like some of them, like Spain, for instance. You know what Spain is? Let me guess.
Do it again. Did I do it? Spain.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I see what it is. Oh, this is Spain.
Little tiny heart. Look at that little tiny heart.
Oh my God. Because they do.
That's Spain. Be real.
That's Spain. They're conquerors.
They're bad people. Yeah, look at that.
This is Spain. Little heart.
What's Korea in sign language? God, I'm loving that. We're learning this.
This is great for the people listening to the podcast. Yeah.
Oh, look at this. They want to go to the eye.
It's Asian with Down syndrome. All right.
Asian down. Right.
Wow. I think the first one was this.
Yeah, that's Chinese. And then somebody went lower.
And they went down to here, right? But we know what he means. We know what he's trying to say.
He's pointing at the eye. Now, what is it for Japanese? I really hope Japan is the superior.
What is it? If it's higher, that'd be great.

Oh, no, it's something cool.

Yeah, let's go.

It's this.

They're so, so cute.

Yeah, because they always use hand.

They're always about.

That's why it's this.

This is Japan.

Together, separate.

This is it right here.

How is A?

No, it's this.

Oh.

It's a heart.

It's a sideways heart.

It is kind of fucking wild.

I'm glad that we have these people at our shows.

I think America should be this.

This is America.

Yeah, this is America.

Right?

That'd be cool.

America.

And this is Canada.

Yeah.

Right.

Mexico.

Go ahead.

Or America.

Yeah, that'd be cool that's good

what's France?

France?

probably this

yeah

and this is England

oh my god

that's really good

we're having fun

that's fun that's fun what do you really want for your birthday? Do you want us to give you your gifts? I think it's gift time. Can I tell you what I want? Yeah.
I'll text you the company, but this pocket pussy that I have, it keeps breaking. I bought two of them already.
I guess guess it's not waterproof. You want us to get a new pocket pussy? But there's one kind that I really like.
What's it called? I forgot. That's why I'm going to text it to you.
You'll text it, and I'll buy it for you. How much is it, though? A couple hundred dollars.
Aw, kiddo, you know I will. That's so funny.
Tom Segura and Bert give each other cars and jet skis, and I'm going to give you a pocket pussy for you. That'd be nice.
Well, let's get your gifts. Do you have a gift, Fancy? Interesting.
Come on, Fancy. I don't think you deserve anything.
Whoa! Fancy told us all to get gifts. And didn't get them himself.
Okay. Wow.
I'll let that slide. No, no, no, no, no.
No, because you'll see what I get you for your birthday. What did you get me? When is your birthday? It wasn't ready.
Yeah, we already passed it. When was it, though? He's going to have another one.
When was it? When was your birthday? In March? Yeah, March. Yeah, and I'll get you one in March.
Oh, okay. And then you're going to look like a fool.
If you're around that long. Him.
Yeah. Yeah, you might be fired.
You're going to look like a fool. All right, McCone, come give him your gift.
McCone, you know he's itching to come back on camera.

He's been relegated to the bowels of the show,

but he got you something really fucking good.

I was with him.

That's just a bag.

No, I know.

I like it already.

It's a T-shirt.

But look what kind of T-shirt it is.

Wow, buddy.

Show the audience, kiddo.

Only foe. if you like it it's not only fans but it's funny wait you didn't get him the other shirt yeah what are you fucking doing give him the real one that was funny that was his bit this you're gonna fucking love he already knows he loves it look at that show it to the crowd star trek deep space nine commander so that's this is let me say something you thought about it you pondered you articulated you registered and i appreciate that oh and what is he out of 10 four okay pocket pussy eight thoughtful gift i'll give it i'll give it a seven all right jetski what do you got okay i got in a lot of trouble last time i got bobby a gift if you guys remember i do um i think the words you gave me were never buy me anything again that is pretty close you know you gave me the cologne yeah so i got you something but I didn't spend any money on it.
But I think it's worth a lot more than money can buy. Okay.
By the way, we should tell that story about your cologne in Philly, outside of the hotel. Read it, read it, read it.
Let me tell the story in the meantime. Where the valet is going to make us move.
Oh my god. We got to get out of the way.
Bobby's- I had like a full- Bobby's full fanny pack. No, I'm sitting on one of those rollers.
That's right. A luggage cart.
A luggage cart. And he goes, excuse me, young man.
Oh, that was nice. Yeah, I need you to move.
He's like, can I please- He was so nervous. He was very polite.
Oh, he was nervous. I guess he was nervous.
He was polite, and he asked you, could you please move off of that? Yeah, and then I got up, and I was wearing my little duffel bag thing, the shoulder strap. Called a fanny pack.
Fanny pack, okay. I was wearing my fanny pack.
Sure. And I had my La Labo Santel 33 cologne, and it spilled out, and it crashed on the ground.
Shattered. Shattered.
Clone all over the place.

Brand new bottle.

Brand new bottle.

We get in the car and Bobby is furious.

That's a $300 bottle of glass.

Yeah.

Live it.

It was live.

Screaming.

And then you got me another one.

And then we went to New York and I saw the place was 10 minute walking from my hotel.

That's right.

So I got it for him as a thank you gift from the tour.

She spent $300 and some odd dollars on it.

Thank you so much.

And I use it now. Yeah, but you were so mad.
I'm going to read this, okay? Okay. Let's read it.
Hey, do you have a lighter? Yeah. It's not a joint.
You want to read it first. I think you're really going to like this.
How funny if I just lit it on fire, though. I think you'd regret it when you read what it is.
I double-dog dare you. I'll tell you what it is after you burn it.
No, no, no. Honest.
Don't burn it. Don't burn it.
No,, but if you want a double dog. It's a selfless gift, so I'd rather you not have it.
Triple dog. No, don't do it.
This is really sweet. It's really sweet.
Let's see. I think it's going to be sentimental.
Okay. Here's what I think it is.
I think it's an appreciation for all the things I've done for you. Yeah.
It's sentimental. Yeah.
It's going to hit the heart. Yeah.
And it's going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I agree.
If it's not that, we're going to have issues. Yeah.
We're going to be pretty happy. Great.
So here we go. Here we go.
Temporary restraining order. Hmm.
For you to use on me. Plaintiff Bobby Lee.
A. Plaintiff has filed an undertaking as required by code SIVPROC515.
No, SIVPROC515. Jargon.
No, no, it's true. Okay.
Plaintiff has established the probability of slight annoyance. So cute.
It is ordered. Defendant Jesse Jetsky Juicy Johnson is restrained from doing the following.
Looking at Bobby, standing near or going for a hug near Bobby, contacting Bobby via phone or social media for eight hours. Must be consecutive.
Consecutive eight hours. Eight hours.
Plaintiff may be... You know, honestly, I have to sign it.
When you want to use it. You sign it and give it to her.
Honestly, I want to frame this. Can I have it? Let me see.
Please don't tear it. Why would I? No, I'm not going to do that.
Look at what she did. Put one of those hammers next to it because I know there will be a sign where.
Yeah, we need to put this in glass but make it breakable glass. Yeah, that's really sweet.
That is so nice. You know what? Can I say something? Good handwriting.
That was thoughtful, precise, ingenious, clever,

and it hit my heart.

I really appreciate it.

Rudy, you're up.

Go ahead, Rudy.

Wait, he's going to rate the gifts, though?

Oh, yeah, rate it.

Nine.

Oh, wow.

Whoa.

That's a nine.

Wow.

Okay.

Got him nervous to give mine.

Okay, mine? Yeah. Okay, mine is...
yeah okay mine is okay i'm gonna explain yeah please okay okay since i've been cleaning your house i know that you really like to take baths you get your salt and you like to like stay there and be like chill And so I thought I would buy you this.

Okay.

Guy loves bath salts.

Stop.

Don't say anything yet.

Okay.

Yeah, don't say anything mean yet.

I'm not going to say something mean.

Wow, look at this.

It's a big bag.

Ultra is a good.

This company is good.

It's Ulta, not Ultra.

There is no L.

Whatever.

I'm going to stick my finger in it.

What is it, bud?

I'm lemon mask sheet.

Oh, it's a face mask.

A lemon face mask.

Love those.

I know.

I want to pull them on individually.

I'm pearl face mask.

Another face mask.

Okay, good.

Yeah, this is good.

Really good. Really good.
Now, can you do brown and blackface if you have face masks on? Is that okay? How much because those are brown? Yeah, you're not gonna be able to see yeah, I have a mask on Oh Changing you magic foot peeling shoes. Mmm.
Somebody needs those. What does this do? You put it on your feet and then you just stick it there.

But what does it do?

It heals the dry skin, the dead skin.

Oh, this is going to be great.

Yeah.

Thank you.

We do think you need that.

Yeah.

I'm just going to pull them all out.

Another mask sheet.

Another mask.

Another mask, face, be juicy skin, Corgi face mask.

Nice.

And this is another mask sheet. A lot of masks.
Yeah, a lot of masks. Did they do a deal? Was it like 10 for five? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's really good. I really appreciate it.
A little lazy. Rank, rank, rank, rank, rank, rank, rank.
Because it's like you went to one place. Ulta.
I know you went to one place. Rank it, baby.
A six. Okay.
Very good. A six.
Okay, who's next? I got you something. It's honestly.
And it's parked outside. It's not that good.
It's not that good, but it is fun. Wow.
Dude. Fucking dope, dude.
Is that sick? Fucking sick. Whoa.
Isn't that sick? Well, first of all, you know that I like designer toys and plush toys. By the way, that's from Japan.

That thing is so fucking amazing.

Dude, it's amazing.

I feel pretty good right now.

Can I say something?

Yeah.

You want your ranking?

Yeah.

Come on, baby.

9.5.

What?

Fuck yes.

9.5.

Now this, You ordered it?

I'm not gonna talk about it

Was it in your house?

No that was not in my house

Okay

No

Did your wife order it?

No no no no

This was all me

Dope as fuck

Thank you

Dope as fuck

Thank you

Happy birthday to you

The candle went out

Fucking light it again

Light it again

McCone fuck

God damn it

Wait wait

Can I just also say this

But before you do

Alright

I wanna say

This isn't

I'm going to go ahead. fucking light it again light it again but mccone fuck god wait wait wait can i just also say this but before you do all right i want to say this isn't something you get at like safeway no this is something that was ordered this is a little pricier that's right high end that's right and this right there is a 10 this is I've never gotten a high-class cake before from you guys.

Hate to break it to you.

Fancy got that.

So that's a 10 for Fancy.

He got the 10.

Wow.

Let me see this fucking thing, man.

Oh, it's got the... Oh, my God.

It's got all this...

I've got to take a photo of it.

Take a photo, kiddo.

Yeah, light the candle, baby.

Where's my phone at?

It's underneath all that stuff, I think. Okay, all right.
I panic. Oh, Bobby.
It's me, your dad. Dad.
Oh, my God, it worked. Dad.
I come to Andrew body. I know, dad Dad Dad Dad What? Wait, why all these guys? Are you gay? No, no, no, I'm not gay, dad I kill you if you're gay No, no, no, no He just looks gay, dad But the kids You don't know the last couple of years Wait, wait The kids look like this now He's village people? No, he's not a village person, dad He looks like village people I know I know, dad.
Does he look sick? Sickly. Yeah, sickly.
Yeah, yeah. Like he has that thing, huh? I miss you, bud.
I miss you, dad. Oh, that's all? Whoa.
Whoa. What the fuck? I feel like I just got lightheaded.
Yeah, my dad just came through. Can I eat some of this? Yeah, of course.
Honestly, guys, thank you so much. Honestly, you didn't get me? You got me the cake.
cake let him eat the whole fucking thing just give him a fork and start eating it i don't even i don't want any do you guys want any cake no oh is that good cake kiddo that's next level now pretend like you're on a cooking show and tell us what what the notes and the hints of flavors that you're getting give it to me well you know, usually in a cake, you expect breading. No.
No, like a cake-like texture. Not breading.
I know, I know. Do you mean spongy and squishy? Not even, yeah, like more drier, but spongy.
Sponge, dry sponge. Dry sponge, right? Like a flourless chocolate cake.
Yeah, and it's also my cooking show so don't i'm so sorry yeah we'll cut that part out sorry about that so ask me again now cut go ahead all right here we go yeah leave it in welcome back to bobby's birthday where we're reviewing bobby's birthday cake yeah what are the notes and flavors you're experiencing, Bob? It's a bread.

Very good.

It's dry and spongy, but that's not what I have.

What do you have?

When you go in here, it's like a pudding.

It tastes like tapioca pudding.

Do we leave it out too long?

It's unbelievable.

It's very good, huh?

If I tell you how much that costs, you're going to mind how much was this take a fucking guess $100 you wish $50 you wish less or higher less $8 $19.95 $10 $5 we got it from Ralph's it was on the it was on the everything must go rack It was literally $5.99 There's no way $5.99 There's no way In the must go rack Literally no way It got cooked three days ago For a guy No Here's what happened This guy This guy came in To ask for a birthday cake And then he found out It was a gay birthday So he wouldn't sell it to him Because I'll tell you why I'll tell you I'll tell you why you're wrong No it's an expensive cake. You know what it is now? And you're going to love this.
You know why? Why? It's tapioca. You know the rice? Get her a fork.
The rice pudding. Yeah, get her a fork.
Go ahead and take a bite. The rice pudding.
Get up there, you fat ass. Give that little fatty a little piece.
Get up there, fat ass. By the way, you are gaining a lot of weight.
You do look heavy. You look hefty.
Yeah, you do. You look hefty, hefty hippo.

And you also have like a Jodie Fox and Foster walk.

Yeah, you do.

Are you leslie now?

Yeah.

You do kind of look heavy.

You kind of look like- Yeah, you're just kind of like, I'm going to go play softball.

You kind of look like one of John Wayne's horses.

Yeah, the rhino kind.

The rhino kind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want some?

Have you guys seen the bear?

Yes.

Yes, chef.

Yes, chef.

Say that every time you take a bite and then yell, yes, chef.

Mouthful.

Whoa.

There it is.

Very good.

Can I make you a little bit jealous right now? What?

I forgot to bring this up on my flight back home to Chicago.

Uh-oh. Well, I got

on the flight and I noticed a man.

A man that

I think you like very much. And he sat right behind me and i okay it's a chicago can i can ask you some questions sure he's not from chicago i know because what's so funny i just like the way you asked that well what why because you knew what it was going to be well no because you always just want to guess the thing before it's just handed of course he does and i think it And I think it's charming.
Yeah, I just think that it's good for the podcast

too. Yeah, and I laughed because

it was entertaining.

So this man, we're

going to Chicago. Is it a sports

figure? No. Is it

an actor or an actress?

No. Does it

have to do with entertainment? Yes.

Okay. Is it a, somebody

that you know personally? No. Although I do now now whoa no no we don't we don't you didn't say hi we did we chatted a lot oh but did you say did he know who you were uh no is he the over the age of 60 no he's probably your age you're probably the same age in fact i bet you're you're the same age Yep he's a year off Does he have to do with music Okay good now we're getting somewhere Is he in a band He's in a band Is he the lead singer He is the band So he goes up his name is the band.
He's the band. Okay.

Is it rock and roll?

It is a crossing multiverse of music.

He does so much.

I don't know who this is.

Okay, let me see.

He's the band.

His name is the band.

How many guys do you know?

He's a multiverse.

He's touched a lot of bases in his extremely long and beautiful career.

So he plays bass?

Stop it.

No, he does not.

Oh, okay.

But that's good.

Okay, what decade genre?

Is it 80s?

No, it's 90s and still.

90s and still?

90s and still.

I think I know.

Do you do?

I think. Okay, you guess.

Does it start with a B? It does. Okay.
Bon Jovi. No.
Bon Jovi! Who was Jon Bon Jovi's brother? Oh, Jon Bon Jovi. No, no, no.
Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi.
It starts with a B. Bon Iver.
Bon Iver. Bon Iver.
You mean Bon Iver. Bon Iver.
Bon Iver. No.
Four letters? Jetsky knows. It's four letters.
It starts with a B. Jetsky knows.
Bon Iver. No Bon Iver Bon Iver no four letters Jetsky knows it's four letters it starts with a B Jetsky knows Bono no but that's obviously a good guess but that's you too and they didn't cross a lot of multiverse I think they were pretty stuck in one kind of B I'm jealous he's my favorite he's your favorite yeah E but if it's not who I'm thinking of it starts with a B and it's four letters.
You got it. I got it right here.

The people at home literally are yelling it at their computers and their phones and their cars.

Bojo.

No.

Bojo.

That's her cat.

This gentleman has made.

I know.

I know what it is.

I know what it is.

I know what it is.

What is it?

Beck.

Yes.

Yes.

Yay, Bobby.

I know.

Beck sat behind me on the plane.

That's so awesome.

That's insane. And by the way.
Yeah. The two tour managers that are with on the plane.
That's so awesome.

That's insane.

And by the way,

the two tour managers that are with us,

that are with him,

one of them was fucking Morrissey's tour manager.

How rad was that,

talking to that fucking guy? Wow.

But I talked to these guys,

and then Beck was like,

chilling, super cool, nice.

We chatted a bunch.

We talked about the podcast.

He knows about bad friends. I think maybe a little, maybe fringe's like can you give me a shout out yeah well fucking shout out back and then but he doesn't know that i've met him before really back when did you meet him i dated a woman yeah for almost a year i met her so i so martin law Lawrence used to do these shows in the main room.

And he would just go, throw any.

I don't care who's opening.

So the store would always just put me up before him.

And she was at the show and met her.

We started dating.

And she lived in a big actor's house.

Whoa.

And she was the nanny of his kid.

Okay. Giovanni Ribisi.
Yeah. it right yeah yeah and so i what's so funny i was thinking about something earlier so i would we'd be because she lived downstairs i'd be down there and i go how come you that's giovanni I can see his little feet.
Little tiny feet. When you hear him,

it's going to the fridge.

So one morning,

she went to go somewhere,

I wake up,

and I went upstairs,

and all these people were there,

and one of them was Beck.

Did you talk to Beck?

Yeah, I said,

hi, I'm Bobby,

I'm dating so-and-so.

What did he say?

He's like,

hey, how are you?

I remember there was a buffet table Of course you remember that part I just remember like this is like Over 20 years ago Did he have a devil's haircut Yeah He did Was he a fucking loser No dude That's funny you're doing references. Come on.
He went odolay. That's what he says.
Odolay. He was, let me say this.
He was nice then, though. He's so nice.
He was so cool. We chatted all a bunch.
And they, of course, were polite enough to go, hey, you want to come to the fucking show tomorrow? Come backstage in Northern Lee Island is where they played in Chicagoago it's a little did you go how awful is this i go it's tomorrow and they're like yeah tomorrow night it's my wife's birthday wow that does she like that and she turned to me and she was like we we can go if you want to go oh no no no no no she's no well, we had a whole thing planned for her birthday. We had all this shit planned and it was like, what am I going to do? Tell my fucking parents, hey, guys, we're going to bail on all the shit we fucking planned because we want to go to Beck.
Yeah, but 20 years from now, when you do the divorce, that's going to be a part of the thing. Yeah, 100%.
That's what I'm going to say. Your Honor, we couldn't go to fucking Beck because the bitch's birthday happened.
Oh, D is my lawyer did you but I'll be honest with you right I was fucking bummed if honestly I was bummed if it was Taylor Swift if it was Taylor Swift and she said to you your wife somehow I got on Taylor Swift's private plane give me someone more reasonable she's not gonna fly in a commercial fucking airline Taylor Swift is sitting in 14 feet. Oh, fuck.
Alright. It's

Adele.

Again. Another miss.

You think Adele

flies commercial? I don't know. Rihanna.

No! Man, you're not good

at this. I don't know what

level.

The little one that was Melina Gomez.

Selena Gomez?

Yeah, Melina Gomez. Her sister.
Yeah, yeah. Selena Gomez.
Give me a rock star from the 90s. Give me another fucking first.
All right, let's go back. Somebody that we love.
Alanis Morissette. Great, perfect.
She's definitely flying commercial. Why can't she be in a private plane? That's rude.
No, I just think they don't. She doesn't probably.
Is that rude? No, no, no. Alanis did so many good songs.
I'm just saying. Sarah McLachlan.
She's definitely not on a private jet.

All right.

So it's Sarah McLachlan.

Sarah McLachlan, right?

By the way, all these people could be on private, but they wouldn't. It's a waste of money.
But if you're me and she looks at your wife and goes hey I'm doing a show all right it's your birthday my birthday it's your birthday yeah but she says to your wife i'm doing a show tomorrow night get you backstage great seats come and your wife said to you she goes who the fuck is that bitch she doesn't like her i don't know if she likes her all right no no i'm kidding what does your wife like cheese okay so cheese Okay, so cheese is back there. Cheese is back there.
Cheese is back there. Yeah, a big block of cheese.
Yeah, a big block of cheese is back there. A big block of cheddar.
Right, a big block. No.
I don't know. Gorgonzola.
She likes brie. She likes brie.
Oh, so there's a melting brie. Yeah.
Cheese. Look it, I'm brie.
Yeah, all right. Hey, I'm playing.
I'm doing a cheese show tomorrow night. Yeah, and guess who's next to brie? Cracker.
Me. Yeah, there's a cracker next to brie.
We're doing a show show tomorrow night. Yeah, and guess who's next to Bree? Cracker.
Me. Yeah, there's a cracker next to Bree.
We're doing a show tomorrow night at Navy Pier downtown Chicago. You should go.
I'm a cracker. Yeah, anyway, right? So then, and then there's an assistant who's fruit.
Yeah. So we can get you guys backstage.
Right. So fruit's there, right? Whatever you guys want, all access passing.
Right. And it's sliced salami.
Yeah. Security guard.
Yeah, security at salami. Yeah, we'll get you.
Don't worry about it. Whatever you guys need.
It's a whole charcuterie plate. It's a charcuterie plate.
Yeah, yeah. So anyway, and they- And they my birthday right you and your wife goes can we go would you go absolutely we're going see then that's what she didn't do that i know that you need to call her and tell her this kind of fucking stuff can i call her no call her right now and tell her she'll be so fucking mad you'll be mad yeah yeah blow it up for shit you're one year older yeah and I appreciate you

being here

and I'm happy that

you're alive

I'm happy to be here

and I want to say

thank you

thank you for being

a bad friend

oh that's good Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah