Toilet Water Waddle

Hey!

We're going back on tour.

We're going to be in Rochester, New York.

Yeah, then we go to Cleveland, Ohio.

Then we're in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Two shows.

First show is sold out.

The second one still needs some people out there in Pittsburgh.

Let's go, September 16th.

Boston, Massachusetts.

Then we play Boston.

You know what we are in Boston?

Dude, we're at the Green Monster in Boston.

We're at Fenway.

Fenway.

Shawks play.

Then we go to D.C.

Our founding fathers would love us there.

Love it.

Then where do we go?

Denver, Colorado, your hometown.

Yeah, no, I'm not from there.

I'm from Chicago.

You love Denver.

You love it, though.

Then we're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

And then we're in my hometown, Chicago.

Chicago, Illinois, where the creature lives.

That's right.

In Chicago theater.

She's going to come smack you.

And then Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Is she coming?

Yes, she is.

I'm going to give her a hug.

And we finish it off in Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin.

So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.

Where?

At badfriends.com.

Badfriendspod.com.

Bad FriendsPod.

BadFriendsPod.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

Never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

That's Trump on the end of the shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.

Never gonna get it.

Like, if you're gonna do a mug shot,

what mug shot would you do?

Mine would be like this.

It's gonna be in my license.

Let me see your mug shot.

Wait.

Oh.

You know?

This is my mug shot.

Yeah, you ready?

Yeah.

You've never been arrested.

Yes, I have.

You have a mug shot?

I don't have a mug shot.

I don't know what dictates getting it on the internet.

But where did you get arrested?

I was in college.

I got arrested.

I didn't okay, man.

Really?

But it doesn't count?

It doesn't count in college.

How does college not count?

What do you mean it doesn't count?

I'm an adult.

I'm over 18.

Yeah, but you're practicing to be an adult.

I somewhat agree with the statement.

It's true, actually.

Yeah, you haven't worked out the kinks.

By the time you're 21, 22, then it's.

When do you work out the kinks?

Are your kinks worked out?

Yeah.

At 45.

You think all of your kinks got worked out by 45?

Do I have a mug shot?

Do you?

No.

You're saying people that have a mug shot didn't work out the kinks?

Yes.

Oh, so you think.

I work out your kinks, dude.

I'm kinked out.

Yeah, I know.

You're already kinked out, dude.

But when I was 19, no kinks.

You were riddled with the kinks.

Kinked up.

Yeah, you're kinked up.

Yeah.

I got arrested when I was in college twice.

Once for.

I was looking for myself, sorry.

I was.

You have a mug shot?

Yeah, from a couple of years ago.

Well, keep finding it.

Let's see.

I want to find yours.

I got arrested for fighting in public, and then I got urinating in public.

Pissing outside of a bar.

And they made me go to sex ed classes.

Whoa, why?

Well, because they could register you as a sex offender if your genitals are out in public.

Are you being real?

Yeah, I mean, obviously,

I mean, I should have had 52,000 fucking mushrooms.

Yeah,

trust me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've been battling them away every city we go to.

It's actually hard for us to deal with.

I mean, no, but I got urinating in public and I had to go to one of those.

Oh, you know what I had to go to, dude?

A class that DUI guys have to go to.

Oh, I love those ones.

And the stories were horrific.

Yeah.

Like,

they'd literally be like, I'm sure this is at meetings.

Sometimes you experience this, where guys are like, yeah,

I would get blacked out drunk first thing in the morning while I fed my kids breakfast and then drove them to school in the morning.

Yeah.

And I would hit stuff on the way home.

And then I'm like, I was pissing outside of an Irish pub.

Yeah.

It's like, why am I here?

Dude, I know a guy in the AA, he shared that he was a school bus driver.

Uh-oh.

What?

And he was blacked out drunk.

Blacked out drunk.

Yeah.

I think it was like elementary school kids.

Weren't they all when we were kids?

Right.

But he he drove off a canyon and what they all died except for him yeah so he lived yeah and bees all

oh he's a people

yeah yeah yeah

what happened was i drove off and they canyon a cliff i'm kidding i made that up okay good yeah yeah but also i don't know why i just i saw you backpedal i saw you backpedal it because i go they drove off a cliff and he lived and you're like he lived

I know.

Everybody.

He's the first guy to probably go.

No, but there was a...

Wait, what do do you mean?

There's that girl.

Look this up.

That girl that just got sentenced to two consecutive 15-life sentences.

Oh, the girl that goes, I don't need to go to college?

No.

Oh, is that the same girl?

Remember, she's like, I got to go to, I don't know what.

I got to go to class.

And the cops, like, you killed the family, right?

No, this is Mackenzie Shirilla.

Yeah, drove 100 miles an hour into a brick wall, killing her boy.

It was her boyfriend and his best friend.

She lived 100 miles an hour into a brick wall.

Let me guess.

Huh?

She was fat.

That's right.

No.

No.

No, dude, look at how skinny and small.

No, she's a tiny little girl.

That's her.

Whoa.

Two life sentences.

She got into a fight with her boyfriend, and this fucking lunatic drives her car into a brick wall with his best friend in it.

17, she was drunk.

Yeah.

Hasn't worked out her kinks.

She's full of kinks.

She's so full of kinks, dude, right?

And one of her kinks was

killing her boyfriend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

So I guess the rumor was they got into a fight.

Yeah.

And she's like, I'll take this into my own hands.

But how do Jesus?

Jesus, take the wheel.

Yeah, but how do they prove that?

Because this is if he's dead.

It's actually interesting you say this.

Yeah.

Well, there's proof that they were in a fight via the text messages that they brought up in court.

Still, it's like.

And then

they can prove her motive because

these cars all now, every car now, they've got these computers, right?

Onboard computers that can tell when you break, how far you break, how fast you were going.

Yeah, that's true.

She sped up before she hit the wall.

Yeah, but if she was drunk, was she drunk?

No, I don't think she was drunk.

Oh, if she wasn't drunk, then that's no, I don't don't think so.

I don't know why drunk came into my mind then.

Well, you would assume she had a brick wall going 100 miles.

Oh, so she wasn't drunk.

No, I don't think so.

Fucking

break it.

Lunatic.

Lunatic.

But she didn't break, and she sped up.

The car registered.

She hit the fucking gas off.

And then they hit the wall.

Now, when you re-would, did she go in a coma, or did you, she realized she was still alive?

No, I think she's she was fine right away.

But then I would take charge and oh, and kill yourself.

I mean,

I mean, you really?

Because her intention was to kill herself as well, right?

Sit down.

What's on your forehead, Rudy?

Rudy just walked in and she's got a mole.

It's one of those things.

No, this is a new pimple sticker.

This is a pimple sticker.

Carlos uses these too.

Oh, yeah.

There's a new thing.

So, Carlos is a teenage girl, by the way.

But he used one too.

It's a sticker to put on a pimple for how long?

All day?

All day.

And all night?

You can do all night, all day.

Why does it work?

Why don't you do the star?

Why does it look like a mole?

It's a poo.

It's a piece of poo?

Yeah.

Oh, you got the poo design.

Yeah, poo design.

Oh, blended in with your face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, this is so interesting.

This is the hip way to cover up blemishes so you're not as embarrassed.

Yeah,

no, they work because I use this.

You don't use the stickers?

I've never used the stickers.

Oh, they're the best.

No.

Those stickers work.

But I don't get pimpales anymore.

Well, then there you go.

I mean, I had my fun.

It already got me yours.

But you have one.

I mean, where is it?

What's this?

No, that's it.

I've had this since I've known you.

It's a birthmark.

I thought you was a forever pimple.

A fimple?

Yeah.

You think I got fimple?

Yeah, I thought it was a fimple.

By the way, I do have a fimple right below my right butt cheek.

It's been there for so long.

Yeah, put a sticker on there.

No.

Why?

I'll do it.

I let it rock.

Okay.

He's got his own personality.

Okay.

That's Cuncus.

What's his name?

Cuncuz.

His name is Cuncus?

Cuncus.

Oh, yeah.

I want to meet Cuncus.

He's Spanish.

I'll let you meet him someday.

Anyway.

He's a good guy.

Rudy Jules is back in the house.

Yeah.

What's in the tote bag?

What did you bring for us?

Nothing.

Straight from school?

No, from work.

Work and school.

Someone's growing up.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

And now she came to her other job.

Let's see what's inside.

Open it up.

This is my emergency bag.

What's in the emergency bag?

Okay.

What could be in there?

Tampons.

Yeah, good.

Okay.

Yeah.

Face spray.

Yeah, for what do you mean?

Just like mints.

Rosemary?

Yeah, rosemary.

Rosemary's nice.

Mints?

Yeah, you need those.

Allegra.

Allergies, Yeah,

allergies.

Tylenol.

Okay, that's enough.

Let's finish this up.

Here we go.

Perfume.

Circus clown.

There's a thousand picks in there.

Another allergy event.

A streamer.

A rabbit.

Um

the tooth thing.

I love those.

Floss?

Yeah.

Those are the best.

Floss picks?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, there's more.

Oh my god.

Pepper spray?

I don't have pepper spray.

Why?

That should be.

All those cosmetics still look good and nothing to thwart off crimping treminals.

I have a taser, though.

Okay, got it.

Can we see it?

Not here.

I forgot it.

Oh, that's always convenient.

Yeah.

And then...

I have a gun, but I never have it on me.

What spray?

That's poupoury.

We have that at the house.

Okay.

That's it.

That's it?

Yeah.

Very good.

I don't have a bag.

Do you have a bag?

I never carry.

You actually used to carry fanny packs and bags.

I don't carry anything at all.

Yeah, but it's all this stuff.

This is my wallet.

This is all I have.

Yeah.

That's it.

I have nothing on my person.

Yeah.

You can't get anything from me.

You're never going to smash and grab me.

There's nothing on me.

You do.

I'm going to say something to you.

You have a talent.

You have a gift, my friend.

What is it?

She's the best cleaner person.

You finally cleaned up all the cat, puke, and poop?

You're better than Mexicans.

And I don't say that.

Wow.

All of them?

All of them.

Wow.

Wow, dude.

That's pretty big.

They're amazing.

I would put my lady up against her any day of the week.

I bet you're better at like jumping fences than Mexicans, too.

Or going under them.

Depends on how creative you are.

Yeah, I think you're Mexican.

You're ultra Mexican.

I want to be Mexican.

Good.

She's so good.

And you can be anything you want to be.

You know what she does?

Can I tell you what she does?

That's special.

Okay.

So, you know, for me,

my toothpaste, the tip of it, always looks like,

you know,

a volcano erupting.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's just like coagulated and fucking, you know what I mean, junked out.

Where like

the fucking, it won't even come out.

Right.

Right?

The pace.

Yeah.

It's clogged.

She unclogs it.

Wow.

And you clean around it, huh?

She cleans around it like it's a brand new little tip.

Let me just guess.

Go ahead.

Let me guess.

You're one of those guys who doesn't push from the bottom.

You squeeze from the middle.

Yeah.

Definitely.

100%.

Yeah.

Oh, why?

It's so, it's so funny.

Why is it funny?

It's just, there's two kinds of people.

Somebody squeeze in the middle and some push from the bottom.

Yeah.

When I I jerk off, I squeeze from the middle.

And I push from the bottom.

I know you do.

I hold my nuts and stuff.

And that's why women go blind.

That's why your wife has infections in her eye.

Well, first of all, if you go from the bottom,

she's got an infection in one of her eyes.

We always fix one and get the other one done.

I understand.

We trade off.

Right.

But when you jerk off from the middle, right, it drops down.

Less can happen, right?

Less trouble.

Yeah, less trouble, dude.

It's a smaller wave.

It's a big, smaller wave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all it is.

You squeeze from the...

Let's see, what else is like this?

When you put toilet paper, when you run out of toilet paper, you don't put it back on the, on the rack, you just put it on a counter on the side or something.

I don't put it.

I don't have toilet paper.

Right.

I do this.

I look, oh.

You only bidet.

You don't pat, pat, pat, with the paper.

I do, but it's always, oh, fuck.

And I do this walk.

So you're walking off.

Yeah.

My pants down, right?

Clinch cheeks.

You know what I mean?

Go into the cupboard to get, and I won't even bring the whole thing over.

I'll just take it from the cupboard.

You'll wipe there.

No, I'll bring it back.

You go all the way back to the bathroom and wipe it.

And then, if it wasn't enough, I do the trek back

to the cupboard.

With pants on the ankles, wobbling around.

Yeah, wobbling around.

That's who I am.

Toilet water is dripping out of your ass.

I'll tell you another thing, right?

Peanut butter, dude.

I love it.

What do you mean?

It's so good.

What do you mean?

Peanut butter, dude, is the best.

I enjoy it.

TJ Miller has a great peanut butter.

TJ Miller makes peanut butter.

You don't know that?

No.

He has the best peanut butter in the business.

What is it called?

He has varieties, dude.

That's TJ.

TJ Miller, the stand-up comedian, has chocolate cherry peanut butter.

Bro, I won't eat any peanut butter unless it's TJ Miller brand, my friend.

Are we reading an ad for this?

No, I'm not reading an ad.

I don't even want to even talk about it because I want to end up doing a single.

Peanut butter?

It's the best peanut butter in the market.

Why would it be?

Because he puts stuff in there that you wouldn't think that peanut butter there should be.

Toffee.

Give me an example.

Like cherry, dried cherries.

In peanut butter.

Yeah.

But I just want peanut butter.

Well, then you go and get Jiffy.

No, no, no, no.

Who do you think I am?

Or what do you get?

Jiffy?

Jiffy-Jiffy.

What's it called?

Jiffy-Jiff?

Jiff.

Jiff.

Choosy moms choose Jiff.

Yeah, yeah.

By the way, what a white phrase.

Choosy moms choose Jiff.

Yeah, it's a Karen saying that.

That is a Karen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What other slogans are Karen slogans?

By men and

women.

That's the only one I know.

Slogans that are.

Burger King.

Yeah.

Have it your way.

Yeah.

That's Karen.

That's a Karen E.

What's Target's slogan?

What is the slogan for Target?

Target is a general.

Expect more, pay less.

Expect more and pay less.

That's a little bit of a Karen phrase.

Yeah.

What else?

What's Walmart?

What's Walmart catchphrase?

I feel like I don't know any of these catchphrases.

Me either.

Save money, live better.

Do you know why?

Because back in the 70s, right?

Rice, a roni, a San Francisco treaty, right?

They used to have music.

Yeah.

Bye.

Man.

Right.

It's a song, right?

Jingles.

These laser jingles, dude.

Jingle, jam.

These pieces of shit.

No jingles.

They just write it down.

Well, this is the problem.

Save money live better.

This is why the jingle union is pretty much.

Let's come up with a jingle.

Do you guys know McDonald's?

Let's give Walmart a fucking jingle.

That's right.

He's right, McDonald's.

Yeah.

Love, kuto.

I'm loving.

Wait, wait, what?

Let's be quick.

Let's go.

What?

What?

Let's do.

Love, kuto.

Love, kato.

Let's all.

Okay.

Love kuto.

What the fuck

are you talking about?

Yeah.

That's in the Philippines.

Love, kato.

Love, koto.

That means I'm loving it.

I love this.

No, no, no.

The phrase is I'm loving it.

Love, got to.

I'm

loving it.

Wait, love.

What's that?

Love.

Okay, you have to do it.

So love is love?

Yeah, love.

Love, gato.

What's got?

Ko is me.

Toe is the toes.

That I love the feet.

That's what she said.

Oh, I love the feet.

Para papa pa.

I love the feet.

Not the beat.

That's what it is.

You said the toe.

Love, guto.

Love, guto.

No, the phrase is, I'm loving it.

You're saying it's, I love this.

It can be either way.

No, it can't.

No, it can't.

Maybe they don't have the fucking words.

Then you make up your own song.

That's the same company, dude.

Doesn't matter.

They don't have the same menu.

Yeah.

They serve bat over there.

They have bat burgers.

They have a bat burger.

A double, what is it called?

A big bat?

The Big Mac Big Bat?

Yeah.

Big Big bat.

Get yourself a big bat.

Look at the McDonald's in the Philippines menu, by the way.

It is different than here.

Yeah, what is it?

She knows.

You've told me before it's all different.

Okay, let's do it then.

What's on it?

Look at the size of those fries.

Look at the

fucking like a single drumstick.

A drumstick with bone in it.

But it might not be chicken.

Is it bone?

Yeah.

Is there a bone in there?

There can be bone or there can be no bone.

One-piece chicken.

Wait, wait, wait.

I order that and I bite into it and I go, there's no bone.

Is that what you're saying?

They fucking fuck me with the bone.

It's a surprise.

Wow.

And then sometimes there's a bone.

Yeah.

What animal is it?

It's not a chicken.

It's not a chicken.

It's not a chicken.

That's a huge bone.

Yeah.

Bats.

Yeah, it's bat bone.

That's a batwing.

Bat bone.

Go up a little bit.

Let's see what else is out of it.

That's what's a lot of fish they have there.

A lot of fish.

A lot of fish.

A lot of fish and fries, fish and soup.

It's fish and soup, right?

Down below, there's a soup one.

It's fish and soup.

Spicy McChicken, McDough, and fries.

What kind of fish is it?

Let's be real.

What is going on?

Oh, yeah, what kind of fish is it?

You've never have you ever had a fish sandwich from McDonald's?

No.

From Lab Cato?

No.

Interesting.

But you know, McDonald's are

expensive there, right?

Is it?

Yeah.

How much?

What do you mean by that?

Like, what's the price of a burger?

Like, the same price as a house or something?

No, like, for us, there, it's expensive.

Like, you only go there if you like selling.

We went to the Philippines.

So if it's if you're fancy, you go to McDonald's.

That's a rich person's restaurant.

Kind of, yeah.

Wow.

We went to McDonald's when we were there.

Yeah, we did.

And also, Chicken McDowell was a little bit more than that.

So the first time I went to the Philippines, I was with her family, right?

Yeah.

And we're like driving down and we parked.

I go, yo, I'm going to go to the Starbucks.

And they're like, no, no, no, no.

We can't go in there.

Oh, they're not allowed.

And I go, why?

It's a Four Seasons?

They acted like it was like a Four Seasons.

No, no, we can't afford.

Oh, Bob.

You were like, I'll pay for everybody.

Yeah.

You're like, I'll buy a Starbucks.

But they acted as if it was like for privilege only, right?

Yeah.

How much would a cup of coffee be there at Starbucks?

I don't know.

What's the money again?

What's the money?

What is the money?

Peso?

Fats.

It's peso.

You have pesos.

What?

Like, just like these guys.

Yeah, dude.

Well, except you're on the Euro now, huh?

Scum.

Couldn't hold out, could you, bitch?

Well, when we went over there, yeah, it was like fancy.

Fancy.

Yeah, but now when you go there now, you eat it.

You drink it.

How many pesos is a cup of, is like a latte?

A latte, maybe

500 pesos.

And how much is 500 pesos to a dollar?

$8.

Wow.

That's much more expensive than America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's a latte here?

I don't actually, what the fuck?

I have

five bucks, right?

Five six bucks, yeah.

Yeah, so it's not that much more.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess that's a lot of money.

But still, that's a lot of money.

But they didn't want to even go in the building.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

But I forced them.

You made them all go.

And guess what?

Everybody brought cake pop.

Starbucks?

Yeah.

Kicked them out.

Out.

Out.

Out.

No homeless.

Right.

Yeah.

And I was like, all right, guys, I'll get it for you.

And they waited outside.

They're talking to you as well.

They probably thought you were homeless.

That's a funny thing.

People in America with money always look homeless.

They have spaghetti there, too.

How is the spaghetti in McDonald's?

Just like Italy.

It's got to be so good.

It's so cooked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

By the way, Italy,

spaghetti is from the Philippines.

It is?

Yeah.

Oh, that's right, it is.

Spaghetti.

Yeah.

Have you tried Filipino spaghetti tutu, Andrew?

Have I tried Philippine spaghetti?

Where?

Jolly B.

Jolli B.

I've never done Jolli B.

We've talked about it on the show.

I'm never going to order it again.

Why not?

Because look, when you eat, you end up looking like that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

That guy's a white guy.

Yeah.

He was handsome.

That guy was a white white guy.

He was a handsome white guy.

He ate a fucking Jolly B fucking spaghetti.

And look what happened.

He has John does now.

Yeah.

It turns out everyone that's eaten Filipino food turns out.

Look at him at the Asian.

Yeah.

That guy.

The Filipinos used to be white people.

Tell me this isn't related to someone that you know.

Come on.

Who?

This guy.

Look at this guy.

Me?

Yeah, look at this guy.

He's Korean.

Yeah, he's pretty Korean.

He's 100% Korean.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

A Korean.

I heard some Korean this morning at the doctor's office.

Yeah.

Because what do you call mom?

Mom, mom.

Oma.

Omaha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the woman said that to the, and so I was in the doctor's office, and

this one Korean woman, no less than 112.

I swear to God, I mean, I cannot believe you could see her heart out of her shirt.

Really?

She was so fucking old and frail, and she's sitting down, and her daughter might have been 85.

Wow, and her daughter was like,

She like shuffled to the front, yeah, and she's like, too much paper.

And the woman's like, Okay, you have to fill out all the paperwork.

She's like, Too much, what the daughter did, yeah, and she handed it back to the woman at the front, yeah, as if to say, Fuck you, I won't do it.

It was amazing.

I was like, Why can't we all be this way?

Too much paper, and she literally gave it back to her.

Yeah, then goes back and she goes, Okay, then, uh, Miss, you know, whatever, Mrs.

Lee, go ahead, you you have to take her down to the third floor.

She has to go get an MRI.

We talked about this, and she goes, Oma, Oma, and then she's doing some of your Korean jazz, you know.

Fucking guy, Chitty Chitty,

we love you.

Bing, bong, chitty, chitty, bang, bang, chitty, chitty, bang, bang, oma, too.

Have some respect, guy.

Okay, okay.

So she

so she was chitty chitty bang banging to her mom.

We stuck with the chitty chitty bang.

Chitty chitty bang bang.

And she goes, and out of all the stuff, she was like, you know, Korean, Korean, Korean, and then goes, oma, oma, oma, MRI.

And the mom goes, no.

No, really?

Yeah, she said, no.

So they just left?

No.

And she goes, come on, come on, go on.

And she goes, no, no.

And then she wheeled her out.

And I thought, I bet you they went home.

I bet you she was like, fuck the paperwork, fuck the MRI.

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Have you thought about what you'd be like at 100?

Dead.

I'll be fucking dead.

There's no way I'm last and past.

100?

I'd be 90.

I'm lost.

I can see

Eastwood went to 90.

You have an Eastwood vibe.

Do you think it's why?

Because we both hate Eastwood.

You don't got Koreans?

Yeah.

You guys hate the Asians.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, what are you going to be like?

At that age?

Yeah.

But I see I won't be a member of society anymore.

We've talked about this.

I'm going to live in complete isolation.

Yeah.

I'm not going to be, I won't be living living in a major metropolitan area.

Yeah.

What happens if you get sick, Andrew?

Then I die by the lake.

Yeah.

I go down to the water and I fall in like a man.

Do you believe that Jimmy Carter and his wife are still alive still right now?

No, they're not.

He died.

No.

Jimmy Carter.

He's still, they're in hospice.

Both.

Both of them are dying together.

He's 98 years old.

They're dying together, though.

See, this is no way to live.

But isn't that romantic?

No.

If you're dying, that's your wife.

Okay, here's Jimmy Carter.

Here's wonderful trendy.

Look at that.

No disrespect to the Carter family.

Here's Jimmy Carter.

Yeah,

fucking right.

No, no.

All they're hearing.

They're hearing.

And then the nurse.

Mr.

Carter, you shit all over the bed again.

We have to lift you up and clean up all the poop.

Yeah.

Really?

That's what it is every day.

You're falling apart in front of someone you love.

Yeah, but he's not, one last time.

No, thanks.

You think she's crawling over there?

There's no teeth.

It must feel good.

You want a gummy gimme?

Yeah.

No, I mean, look.

You look at that.

Who am I?

That's another face.

Yeah.

Who am I?

You're on the moon.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, we never went there in the first place.

You're Anaka Skywalker.

I just don't want to be that old where, look, the love that the woman is.

Oh, my God.

Look at the wife.

The commitment and the love.

But what does she look like?

This is like.

That's her now.

I know, but what did she look like before?

Probably stunning.

Yeah.

What's her name?

Judy Carter.

What's her name?

Isn't that weird we don't know her name?

Yeah, what's her name?

Rosalynn.

Rosalind, yeah.

Look, zoom in.

Young.

A young Rosalind Carter.

Yeah.

Yeah, still old.

Why does he look old?

That was in 1944.

Well, give me the one that they got married.

You can see their fucking.

Look at that.

Beautiful.

Let's zoom that in.

Oh, yeah.

That's the Rosalind.

Right, that's the Rosalind.

Look how handsome he was, dude.

A little bit.

I got to tell you.

What do you mean?

Like a sniper.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, those teeth are sniping something.

Chomper whompers.

Yeah, yeah.

She was pretty, though.

She was pretty.

Yeah, yeah.

But look, my point is, dying next to someone you love like this.

A little titties, huh?

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Carlos, back real.

No, no, no.

She looks like she's a little Kiwi tier too.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

1950s.

This is a first time.

1940s little kiwiti titi ti ti tier.

He looks like Cillian Murphy.

You think he looks like Cillian Murphy?

No?

Oh, because she's got a big crush on him.

Yeah, look at him.

He's one of your faves, isn't he?

So we've moved on past.

No, I'm still in love with Harry Styles.

Yeah, oh, my God.

Did you want to go to Taylor Swift's concert while they were here?

You did, but why didn't you go?

It's too expensive.

Look at this.

You have old money bags over here.

Scrooge McDuck, you wouldn't have given her money for the tickets.

If she said, Tito Bobby, I really want to go see Taylor Swift, you wouldn't give it to her?

I could have.

When's your birthday?

November 9th.

She's gone, man.

Yeah.

The shows are gone.

Yeah.

Unless you want to go see her somewhere else.

No, I'm fine.

Oh, a big fan, I see.

She leaves.

she no I don't need to see her yeah but you know I know of somebody that went to the show in Washington Nikki Gleaser went to like four or five yeah and but this this person

is an average person doesn't have Nikki Glazer funds right right so she she afforded it yeah so she had to take this girl that I know had to take a bus

you you park and there's a bus filled with screaming eight-year-old girls jam-packed in a bus.

And then you can't even go into the fucking thing for a couple hours.

That's like Carlos's dream.

Yeah, dude.

Dude, I'm not into eight-year-old girls.

That's insane.

Oh, nine.

It's nine.

Anyway, I don't know.

So then she, then she waited four hours after that because she had to wait for the bus to pick everyone up.

But the line was so long and it was cold and she was shaking.

And I'm like, is it worth it?

I mean,

I think it is.

Hi.

It's me.

Oh, I'm the problem.

I'm the problem.

It's me.

Yeah, it'd all be worth it.

It'd be be worth it.

I think it's worth it.

You know what it is when you're young?

Do you remember going to a concert when you were in the business?

The pesh mode I went to.

And it was fucking amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

It was worth it.

When you're young, it's so worth every second.

That's why when you get older and you go somewhere, you're like, I'm going to do this as conveniently as possible.

You're like, I'm going to make it easy for me to do this.

What is this?

Behind-the-scenes footage?

No, speaking of concerts, Carlos Santana had an anti-trans rant last night.

Whoa, let's hear it.

Yeah, I can't wait.

God made you and me

before we came out of the womb, and you started believing

that you could be

something that

it sounds good,

but you know it ain't right

because the woman is a woman and the man is a man.

By the way, how funny, dude, how funny is this?

Ready?

He's like, I don't like trans people.

And it's just like the ocean under the moon.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is he doing?

I'll tell you why.

Wait, but Jesse.

I'll tell you why.

Why does he care to talk about it in the middle of a concert?

What a weird thing to bring up in the middle of a show.

Transgender people should stay in the closet, he says.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

That's accepting.

Yeah.

That's nice and warm.

But look at his audience, probably.

Old Latinos?

Yeah, I mean, there's not that.

Is that who it is?

There's not like a 22-year-old girl there with blue hair.

You know what I mean?

I don't know if that's true.

Carlos Santana transcended a lot of generations.

I would argue a lot.

Have you been to it, Carlos Santina?

I didn't say me, but I said he does transcend generations.

I bet you.

I don't know anybody that went, oh, dude, I went to the Carlos Santana show.

Let me think real quick.

No, no, no.

Nobody I know, but he has been.

Nobody I've ever met.

So who does go?

I don't know.

That's why.

Google, who is Carlos Santana?

Have you you heard of Carlos Santana?

No, she doesn't know what he's talking about.

See, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, but he is a phenomenal guitarist.

I mean, imagine her at the concert going, what the fuck is he doing?

Is he good enough of a guitarist to be publicly against trans people?

And then we still support him?

No, no.

It's insane.

It's insane.

Carlos Santana.

Wow.

I imagine it's old white guys.

Is it old white guys making it?

Is this kind of like the Jimmy Buffett click?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Is it Margaritaville type of cats?

Did you look up Carlos Santana's audience?

Yeah.

Fan base.

Oh, yeah, fan base.

Well, go to their fan page.

They got to have a...

So here's the deal.

Carlos

is struggling with something of his own.

What do you mean?

Why else would he bring it up so adamantly?

He's going through something.

It's an interesting.

Nobody would bring that up out of nowhere if they themselves weren't going through something.

Like, he's literally on stage vocalizing, a man is a man.

You're born a man.

Yeah.

I mean, seriously.

It's like when someone's like, fucking hate the gays.

And then they go to like a gay, like when a politician is like, gay people don't deserve to be married.

Yeah.

And then they catch them at a fucking gay nightclub blowing three dudes.

What's he going through?

From Team Santana, Carlos Santana, Salvador Santana, and Jose Santana released a new song.

Yeah.

Was it?

Well, there's a fan, Jaheed Khan.

Jahid Khan.

Oh.

There's Rhonda.

She met Carlos and we met Carlos Santana on a cruise out of Galveston, Texas.

He sat with my family for a while, just hung out.

My husband is disabled and can't walk.

Well, that's why he hung out so long.

Carlos is such a beautiful soul.

My husband is now in ICU in Gainesville.

That's so sad.

Meeting Santana was a highlight of his life.

That's very nice.

I mean...

No, that's very sweet.

Yeah.

Unless the whole time he met with his husband, he was just like, what's up with these trans people, dog?

Husband's like, I couldn't leave.

Yeah.

There was nowhere.

Oh, Carlos Santana.

Oh, look at see.

A brand new PS5.

My son played it before he had COVID.

He passed away three weeks ago.

See, this is what's fucked up.

This guy selling fake PS5s saying his son had COVID and died.

This is like the scam that you ran on Twitter.

I'm still running.

Are you making a lot of money on that?

Yeah, I can't get that thing back.

You know how many people have literally hit us up and been like, why did Bobby run a PS5 scam on Twitter?

I know.

I know.

Flopped up.

Well, how do you get a Twitter account back?

We got to call Elon.

Yeah.

And you know what he wrote right there after he said the trans rant?

Nobody's perfect.

Nobody's perfect.

That's such a good laugh moment.

Anyway, you don't even know who that is.

No, I don't.

Guess.

What kind of music do you think it is?

Rock.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's rock.

Yeah, it's rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Latin rock.

It's rock.

The songs are popular.

What says

popular songs?

I think the popular song has no vocals to it, right?

Keep going.

Oh, I know that.

Yeah.

Keep going.

Are you going to play over there?

Yes, they play that at the disco.

And B.

At the disco?

Yeah.

I literally, when you just did that, what fucking year are you?

Also, couldn't I just say that?

I don't know what song you're do it again.

I don't know what song.

Do you know what song?

Do it again.

You got it.

Do it again.

Wait.

Wait.

Try to do that, like the bass, maybe, because I'm more of a bass guy.

I knew more of a bass guy.

I'm all about that bass.

Yeah.

He doesn't play the bass.

I'm doing the best.

Give us the fucking song.

Give us a song.

Yeah.

By the way,

I got lost sometimes.

I died too.

Yeah, I do.

And honestly, that was much better than the first time.

How did you even pick up on that?

I don't know.

Fancy is just really good.

So when you're at the disco, which I don't know what disco you would go to.

Yeah, what disco are you going to?

Yeah.

In the Philippines.

Okay.

Angry.

What's it called?

What's it called?

I don't know.

Disco.

You go to a place and you don't know what it's called.

Yeah, because

it changes names every week.

No.

In every town, there's like a festival.

Every week.

Not every week.

Every month.

Okay.

And then there's like a in like the basketball court.

By the way, how low is that hoop?

There's no way that's 10 feet.

Yeah.

You guys just know what you can get it up then.

Yeah, yeah.

So

at the basketball court, you guys do disco.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow, look at them.

So that's you when you're a little kid.

Uh-huh.

And who dances there?

All ages?

All ages.

That's inappropriate.

They should have some separation.

Can I just say something?

Like, this kid is part.

Look at that guy on Coke in the background.

This white guy is on Coke stumbled into this party.

But when I do my talent show there, though,

you've been to how many?

Two?

Two.

Yeah, yeah.

The whole place fills up.

Oh, yeah.

They got nothing else to do.

Also, I bet you there was AC in there.

It was outside.

Oh, really?

It's literally outside.

Yeah.

The fans?

No.

I'm sweating.

You're dripping and sweating.

I'm like in a dry song.

Because you sweat when it's cold in here.

I know.

I'm sweating now.

I know.

Yeah, yeah.

It's sweaty.

It's a sweaty business.

Does anybody have air conditioning out there?

Only the rich people.

Super rich.

Super.

Have you ever been in a house in the Philippines with air conditioning?

Yeah, her mom's house.

So your mom is super rich.

Her dad's a lawyer.

And so, you can't get McDonald's or Starbucks, you fucking liar.

You guys have air conditioning.

Before, like, when she grew up as a kid, right?

Yeah.

There was no running water.

The showers were like shh with a bucket.

Yeah.

Right.

I still like a bucket shower.

Yeah.

I do them sometimes in my back.

You would have to heat up the fucking water.

No.

We don't even heat it.

Heat it up.

Shower cooking.

It's $195 all year round out there.

Right.

Just leave it outside.

So you do that.

Yeah.

There's like leaks.

Like, our house was so small that we had to just sleep in one bedroom, and there's like mouse, cockroaches, everything.

And then the bathroom was so

funny.

Carlos?

You can't tell the difference between the cockroaches and the mouse?

I mean, I can't believe there's both of them there.

I just, I'm feeling for Rudy, right?

Is there a war?

Let me ask you something.

There's no war.

No, I want to know about the cockroaches and the mouse.

There is.

There's no war.

It's been a long standing.

I'm a cockroach.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

To me?

Yeah, you're a mouse.

I cockroach.

So?

Okay, what?

You want to team up?

You want to team up?

Let's attack this little brown girl.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

What do you want to do?

Well,

I'll take a shit on her face while she sleeps.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What about you?

Nibble, nibble, nib, nibble.

You're going to eat her.

Other toe.

Nibble toe.

Let's go.

And there's like, I don't know the English word, but it's train train.

Oh, there's a choo-choo train.

No.

No, wait, wait, wait.

What?

It's like.

Hey, hey, you want to do a train train?

No, it's an insect.

It's an insect.

Let's pull the old train train.

That one, that one, that one.

A rolly collie.

Oh, who's that?

That's Bobby Lee Live.

Do you call those train trains?

Train trains.

They're so long, it's two trains.

Yeah.

And then they burn you when they like.

What do you mean?

They burn.

All that is, is that's just a fucking

millipede.

Never seen anything like that.

That's a millipede.

Never seen anything like that.

I've seen a centipede and a millipede before.

We have these in the United States.

So, what does a train train do?

Choo-choo.

They just like

autistic kids love these things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does a train train do?

Nothing, but they burn you if they touch your skin.

Right, does a train train burn you?

Does it burn you?

Does a train train insect burn you?

I've tried it.

You tried to.

Like, there's like red marks on your skin.

Well, then don't do it.

Yeah, millipede.

See, it's a millipede.

There's a toxin that's in millipedes.

Oh, I see.

We have these.

Millipede toxin can cause blisters and burns.

Wash your skin right away.

If you don't think a millipede has emitted any liquid onto your skin,

this can help prevent a possible allergic reaction.

You might develop.

Do people use millipede toxins for good?

Because I'd be curious to know.

Whoa, dude.

What do you work for Putin?

None of your business.

Why don't you see what happens in the middle?

ATV, huh?

Yeah.

Wow.

Millipede toxin.

Is it bad?

Can you eat it?

Food.

See, you're eating millipedes as food.

So let me ask you something.

You have the train trains, cockroaches, and mouse.

Mice.

Mice.

Right.

What else?

Spiders.

Of course.

Yeah.

Lizards.

I like lizards.

Yeah.

Salamanders?

Yeah.

You have salamanders.

Yeah.

Monitor lizard, the one that I ate.

Oh, yeah, the monitor.

I do like monitor lizards.

Yeah, yeah.

Does anybody have to keep any of these as pets?

Spiders.

We like play with it.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So you just will get a spider.

You get a spider.

You put it on a matchbox

to like have like a house.

You put a spider inside of a matchbox.

Yeah, as their house.

And then you play fights with other people who have spiders.

And like they battle in like a stick.

What do you mean?

You throw.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

They're like cockfights?

Oh my god.

Go back.

What's this?

Go back, go back, go back.

This is insane.

Do you guys bet?

Yeah, bet.

So you put your spider on a stick.

On a stick on the other side.

Yeah, on the other side.

And how fight?

How do you know that they'll fight?

What if they just go up to each other and like, hey?

Well, sometimes they don't fight.

You know why they fight because you've trapped them in a fucking box forever, and they're they don't know why.

Yeah, you put them in a matchbox, but we feed it, feed them.

What do you feed them?

What do you feed them?

Train trains?

No, look at this.

Look at this.

There it is.

Yeah, like that, like that.

Oh, my God.

We have UFC.

They have that.

Yeah.

It's like saying.

So, this is a cool, this is a thing that a lot of of kids do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And yeah, and if he tries to web away, they just grab his web and put it back.

They put it back.

They put it back.

Oh, okay.

Until something dies.

Or something.

So there's death.

Or someone gets hungry.

There's hunger.

Or someone gets hungry.

What's that?

What's that?

That's a matchbox.

That's where you put it.

That's a MacBook.

Oh, so you got it.

You can even bring it in school.

What?

You can bring it in school so that you can play with the other students.

wake up man how have i not gone to the philippines yet

i know right look at that that's insane insane i want to go i want to see this i want to see the war though that looks like a fucking spider that'll bite yeah yeah so no

is there kids that die from spider bites not that i heard of yeah because they don't tell anybody they want to keep this game going

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There's a lot of money in Spider-Friend.

Imagine one of those spiders biting a Philippine kid that bit Spider-Man.

There's not a lot of buildings there.

So he's like labbing toward like trees.

And he's just kind of just

spider-man, spider-man.

Philippines do not have a lot of spiders.

The ones they do have are mainly harmless.

Even so, the Philippines is home to a few dangerous species, such as the redback and the black widow.

But is there a deadly insect there that you guys are afraid of?

No.

Do you have Lyme disease there or no?

Like ticks?

They've got to have ticks.

There's ticks, but there's no such thing as Lyme disease.

That's a white people thing.

That's us.

Is it real?

Lyme disease?

Yeah.

It's real for whites.

But you know it will complain about anything.

Oh, yeah?

Yep, my back.

I think it's the Lyme disease.

I think it's a real thing.

Yeah.

Dengue fever.

Tuberculos.

Have you had that?

I've had that.

I want dengue fever so bad.

So it's mosquitoes bite you, and then you, what do you shit and vomit for like days and days and days?

Yeah, but you lose so much weight.

You look great afterwards.

Should we get some dengue in here?

I want dengue fever.

It's so bad.

Why is Bill Gates working on another COVID?

Let's get a dengue going over there.

Yeah, yeah.

How about this?

Rabies?

How common is rabies over there?

Are you getting bit by dogs?

Malaria is a classic.

Yeah, that's old school.

And hepatitis has been there, done that.

Yeah.

But I do think rabies is wild.

In the Philippines Department of Health,

Epidemology Bureau,

55 human rabies cases and deaths.

What?

So far this year?

Yeah.

That's so many people.

55 people are dying from rabies?

I don't know, dude.

There's a lot of people there, dude.

How many Americans?

How many people die from rabies in the United States?

Public health problem.

It's a big deal.

But in rabies, how about in America?

Why are you laughing at Carlos and all these fucking things, dude?

Carlos, this isn't funny, dude.

Did you go?

You didn't go with us to the Philippines.

You went, right, Andreas?

That was fun, right?

I feel like Carlos would die in the Philippines.

He would probably die.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

No,

there's got to be glory holes there.

That's how we get to denge.

Can you get dengue from a glory hole?

I feel like I do well over there.

In what way?

I feel like people just like me in other countries.

I just smile and kind of just smoke a cigarette or something.

I know, but you know,

can I just say something about you, dude?

What you know about, oh, God.

I mean, what?

There's like some sexual shit that he's going to get involved in.

Yeah, like, it's not even, it's not far from like Bangkok, all that stuff.

No, they have it there.

Oh, they do?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What they have, like, ladyboys and stuff?

Yeah.

But that's in Thailand mostly, right?

No, they have it there.

There's a lot of lady boys.

There's so many ladyboys there.

Were you friends with any ladyboys growing up?

Yeah, I had a lot.

Anyone in your family was a ladyboy?

No.

Carlos Santana would have hated that, huh?

Dude, what if your cousins had a a Bobby Lee shirt on?

Oh, oh, hot dog shirt.

Oh, yeah, Paul.

Yeah, Paul.

Dude, I go to this village where his cousin lives, and I sort of got he has my face on it when I play bass on it, right?

Going, uh-oh, hot dog.

But he's out there like doing grout work with it.

Yeah, you're his work shirt.

Yeah, but it was insane.

I was like,

I don't know, I've always had that.

Yeah, well, you know, we fly in stuff for them.

Yeah.

Anything of the goodwill, we drop in boxes.

I was flattered, actually.

Well, he didn't buy it.

Oh, what?

Those were,

you know, we give them just boxes of shit.

Yeah.

What?

You know what it is?

You know, like, when.

No, you went to a special thrift store to get it.

No, you know, when they make two different, they make shirts for in a championship for sports.

They make one for each team in case the other one wins.

Yeah.

And then, and the other ones go to the Philippines.

That's mixed in with a box of Mad TV stuff.

Oh, okay.

A couple of mixology posters.

Yeah.

All the old, all the old bangers that we used to do.

Yeah.

How many, how many rabies' diss are there a year in the United States?

I gotta know.

I was just pulling up the.

Oh, Oh, yeah, like loser shirts overseas.

Look at that.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

You know what, though?

Yeah.

Those to me are more valuable than the winner.

Yeah.

Anybody can get their hands on a fucking winning shirt, but it's harder to.

They send them to Africa and stuff.

Rabies' death in humans in the U.S.

America.

Okay.

89, there were more here.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's over the course of 1960 to 2018.

Those are due to exposure to bats, raccoons, skunks, and other stuff.

Only 89 through left, 40.

Dude, I can't believe I haven't talked about this yet.

There is a fucking raccoon that's got some fucking balls.

This rat, I'm in my house.

Dude, he's sitting on my fence the other night.

Yeah.

I go outside.

Huh?

He's staring at me.

Yeah.

Go.

Go.

But why?

Get out of here.

Come here.

Come here.

You can have him.

You want me to bring him to your house?

But here's the thing.

Because he goes through the trash, he knocks it over, and they spill it.

That's their vibe.

I don't want my trash on the ground.

I know, but if you say, come here, come here, you could be friends.

You don't.

No new friends.

As Drake said, no new friends.

What I'm saying to you, dude.

You think I want a coon as a friend?

That's what I'm saying.

You think I want some coon in my house?

Yeah.

As not framed?

And that's that vibe, dude.

First of all, my dog is full black.

The raccoon is a fucking mix.

The raccoon is Barack Obama.

I know, but.

The raccoon is Barack Obama, which I like.

Yeah.

But my dog.

Because

you don't fully do that.

My dog is full black.

Okay, I can't say a joke right there.

You can.

I don't want to.

My God, I'm giving you so much.

I'm literally setting you up for a joke.

And for our fans at home, we're getting censored by fancy.

Yeah.

We're trying to give you a good black joke there.

I gave it to him right there.

All right, so I'll give you the joke.

I'll give you the joke.

Are you telling me that your dog is full black?

Yes.

And the raccoon is half black.

Half black, half white.

Half black, half white.

Yeah.

That's what you're telling me.

I like the full black one much more.

Whoa.

No, what I'm saying is,

what you're saying is, instead of pushing, shoo-shoeing away the raccoon, invite him in.

What I'm saying is, have you the Dodo bird, right?

People have raccoons as pets, and they're the cutest little critters in the world.

Maybe what is a Dodo bird?

What does that have to do with it?

It's a website?

No, no, Dodo, the Dodo.

Dodo Rescue.

Dodo.

Dodo Rescue.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not Dodo Bird.

Raccoons as pets.

Not Dodo Bird yet.

That's usually like in, it's usually illegal and it's like in foreign countries like in asia or something where no it's only legal in 16 states to own pet raccoons so 16 of the 50 states said yes yeah it's california one of them no

way no way no way in this state you can't they let the gays get married here they're gonna not let you have a raccoon

oh i see the logic no look at this texas florida tennessee nebraska arkansas south dakota illinois my home oklahoma wisconsin wyoming vert new jersey those are the only ones.

Surprise.

Well, I'm actually quite surprised about

Vermont.

You think that was a Bernie thing?

Yeah, that was Bernie.

Loves raccoons.

We're going to have raccoons.

So just kill it then.

Thank you.

No.

Yes, shoot him in the head with a shotgun.

Thank you.

No, you don't want to.

Blow the little brains out.

I really do love.

I do love

the head.

They're so cute, but they're vicious little fucking animals.

But I want you to pull up a clip.

This isn't, this is, it's going to make you cry.

Are you ready to get emotional today?

I love it.

Woman saves raccoon on side of road.

Here we go.

This made me cry on TikTok.

Hold on.

Scroll down.

Scroll down.

Hold on.

Let me see if I can see her.

That one right there.

Second video.

Second video.

Second video.

You ready to cry?

Yeah, go ahead.

Play it full screen and let me cry.

Let's get some tunes.

Okay, well.

Because the music is going to make you cry.

I'm getting horny.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, she fucks it.

It's at the beginning.

Oh, yeah.

And then when she's done, then she saves it.

She's trying to save it, but it doesn't know.

It thinks it's going to hurt her.

Found a leather jacket, used it because he was trying to bite her.

He thinks she's trying to hurt him because he already got hit by a huge.

Yeah, I know, dude.

And he's dying.

Okay.

Why can't you do that with your raccoon?

That's it?

That gets me, man.

Did you read the last line?

No.

She said,

I like the white part of him, not the black part.

That's what she said.

I'm protecting the white part, not the black part.

I was thinking that.

No, it says I'm just trying to give him some comfort as he passes.

Oh, he died?

Yeah, dude.

But look what it says.

Just trying to give him some comfort as he passes.

And isn't this what we all want in this world?

A little bit of comfort as we pass?

No.

I want to be alone.

You want to die alone.

Yeah, because if he was stayed on the road.

Well, you were the one that was stayed on the road.

Shibby fucking Carter.

You know, you like laying in the room with his fucking dying wife.

I'm saying people want comfort as they pass.

But if he was on the road, a truck would have killed him right away.

No.

He's in pain right now, dude.

She's giving him comfort as he passes.

You know how much pain is in right now?

I can't wait to be there when you die.

Don't.

I'm going to tell you something.

When you're dying, I'm going to get you naked every day.

I'm going to scrub every inch of your body.

I'm going to dry.

What is it?

Dry brush?

Carlos, Carlos.

I'm going to dry brush every part of your body when you die.

I'm going to comb your little hair.

I'm going to wax your little mustache.

Carlos, what's up?

I'm going to teach you blinking language.

Okay, Morris Cohen.

Okay.

Because I'm not going to be able to feel my arms or my legs and be able to talk.

So we're going to learn this, okay?

Wait a minute.

When you're dying?

Yeah.

You think he'll last?

This guy's dead in a decade.

10 years max.

No, I'm just saying maybe in five years I get.

You're going to be dead.

It's going to take you 40 more years to die.

We'll live longer then.

He can't.

Why?

His behavior, his lifestyle.

Andreas will still live for a long time.

He's moving back to spain right

she won't be around either

no see i'll do blinking language right

cyanide oh no yeah yeah cyanide wait a minute if you get to okay so listen if you get to a hundred and you're dying you don't want to be assisted

you want to just die on your own because i'm doing that i told you i'm jumping in the lake but you you love attention you love people you love family you know what i've thought about doing what is vlogging it it.

Vlogging your death.

Are you going to monetize it?

Yeah.

Who's going to get the money?

Somebody that I like.

Somebody you care about.

Yeah.

But I would do like a...

You know what we don't see enough?

People like to...

People dying on the internet?

Yeah.

No, but people like...

I feel like we do.

No, but people just go like, oh, this is what I'm feeling.

Oh, yeah.

This, you know what I mean?

You mean vlogging?

Their death.

You're not going to be able to talk.

How would you you'd want to vlog your death?

Yeah, I'd be like, okay, so I thought I was going to die a second ago, right?

Because

my pancreas, you know what I mean, feels like it's on fire.

And then, you know, my eyeballs start jittering.

There it goes again.

It's jittering.

I'm still alive.

Mr.

Lee, it's time for your bath.

Oh, this bitch again.

Mr.

Lee, it's time for your bath.

Okay.

Where do you want me to scrub today?

Where would you like a scrub?

You know.

Okay.

Flip over.

My My asshole again.

A little butthole scrub for Mr.

Lee.

No, not that, I guess.

That's when I'm going to do it.

Please.

And I'm going to use my special brush, the one that doesn't have any bristles.

Oh.

What is this, Fancy?

So, Spain won the World Cup.

That's great.

Female World Cup.

Time, time out, time out, time out, time out.

You can't jump over that.

Spain won the female World Cup.

Yeah.

So here in America, you have to, that's important.

Okay.

You You can't just go, Spain won the World Cup, the World Cup, the female World Cup, and then go on.

Right.

Yeah.

So

say it right there.

No, no, no.

I'm going to.

Spain.

I'm going to go to the Female World Cup.

The men's World Cup isn't playing now.

I know.

That's what I'm saying, though.

For the listeners.

I already automatically assumed it was the female World Cup.

I know, no.

But for the listeners, he's stumbly, rumbly, bumbly.

He's drunk again, and he's

adding in stuff late.

Yeah, anyway, they won the female World Cup.

They won it.

And the president of the Spanish Federation kissed one of the players

on the cheek.

No, on the mouth.

On the chin.

That looks like cheek.

Well, that's probably just the cheek photo.

The lip photo they probably don't post.

And it just, you know, light the whole press on fire.

She said that she didn't like it.

Oh, she said she didn't like it.

Is it traditional to kiss on the mouth in Spain?

No.

Well, there is Kay's kissing on the mouth.

Yeah, that's Dalai Lama vibes.

Yes.

Dalai Lama.

That's Dalai Lama vibes.

I got to tell you, this guy, let me see solo photos of him.

Let me see if I'd let him kiss.

So what do you guys think?

That's him?

He's handsome.

No, he's not.

That little butt chin.

Yeah, and that's the girl?

Wait a minute.

So he kisses this one.

He kissed a bunch of other girls.

Did he kiss anybody else on the lips or just her?

Yes, her.

Oh, well, he was.

She was the captain.

Send him a message.

She was the captain.

Oh, she was the captain?

The one who likes to.

Well, you got to kiss the captain on the girl.

You didn't have to say this, though?

You kissed the captain.

How about this?

Not grab the head.

Just kiss?

No head.

I mean, look the way he's grabbing the head.

Both heads on the thing.

She has nowhere to move.

What did she say?

What's her statement?

She said, I didn't like that.

And then everybody asked for him to step down.

And then when the president of Spain, the you know, the whole press, even worldwide, is he's the president of the Spain, Spanish women's team.

Yeah, the Spanish Federation.

Spanish Federation.

Yeah.

And so the president of men and women's.

So the president of Spain said, you got to go.

Yes.

He goes, and the president of Spain, you know what he really said.

He's like, you know, I like this behavior.

Yeah.

This is what we do.

Yeah, don't grab the headless.

But you can't get it.

If you just kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

It's okay.

Because if you turn it like this, you get the chance.

Their rule is always not on camera.

Now, this is the prime minister of Spain.

Yeah.

This guy had

kissed me on the fucking mouth.

Right.

Wow.

So, Rudy, if this guy kissed you after a soccer game, are you letting him do it?

Yeah.

Right, double standard.

This is my point.

Yeah.

This is my point.

Mr.

Handsome, they call him.

Yo, he fucking is.

And look at our guy.

Go back to that.

With Mr.

Jess.

Yeah, Mr.

Hands.

Man, look at it.

There's a picture of Mr.

Handsome and

fucking weekend at Bernie's.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

We got to get a new guy.

Why can't we get someone that's relatively

fucking young?

We got to get a new guy.

We got to get a thousand-year-old men?

Yeah, yeah.

Does everyone have to be a thousand?

Look at how young and handsome that guy is.

Roberto.

Beto Aror?

Yeah, he's good looking.

He's not going to win.

He can't win, though.

No, he can't win.

We're talking about viable options of people that can win.

Let me get more pictures of this guy.

What's his name?

Pedro Sanchez.

Pedro Sanchez.

How old was he when he got into office?

50.

50 years old.

Yeah.

Why can't can't we

get his daughter?

No, that's the princess of Spain.

She's the princess of Spain.

Carlos is bookmarking the princess of Spain so he can look her up again.

Perv.

By the way, she's not.

That's the one.

She's going to the military.

Huh?

She's going to the military.

They have to.

They have to.

Yeah, they don't have a choice.

Wow.

I'm definitely going to the Spanish military.

That's the Spanish military?

Are those fucking military-issued pants?

Look at those things.

I thought that was a Hollywood gay pipe dress.

It looks the same.

That basically is the Spanish military.

You know what those straps are for?

Hold their head while they're fucking blowing.

But they're also not even camouflaged.

Well,

we can see it, though.

No, they want to be seen.

Oh, they want to be seen.

Yeah.

Wow.

They're so handsome.

You know why they have their chin up.

You don't get anything in their eyes.

Wow.

Clever.

By the way, their shirts are fucking open with suspenders on.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what a military guy looks like.

No wonder you guys see that.

There's no way that's the military.

Is that really the military?

It is.

It really is.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

There's no way.

Wow.

Wow.

So that's like our navy.

Yeah.

No, stop.

That is insane.

That's not them.

There's no way.

Yes, it is.

It's a Spanish military, but

Fire Force Spanish Legion.

It's called the Legion.

Yeah.

Does the Philippines have a military?

Yeah.

Look a Filipino military.

I think they probably got some leftover stuff from us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wouldn't fuck with those guys.

Those guys?

No.

They're insane.

They're insane.

They'll throw a box of spiders at you.

They'll get you good.

Yeah.

What's this going on?

What's going on here with the faith?

It's Lady Gaga.

It's yay.

It's Yay.

No, you wouldn't fuck with the Filipino military.

They'd fuck you up.

Yeah.

Spanish military, though, I'll take those guys on any day.

That's nuts.

Who's that?

That's the Philippine leader?

Yeah.

President.

President right now.

Yeah, see, those are proper suits.

That's what the military should wear, buttoned all the way up.

Yeah.

You guys got your fucking chest hair showing.

Did you guys have to do like cadet military high school?

Yeah, we all do.

Yeah, we have to do it.

When you're 12.

When you're 12 to 15, you do cadet.

Do you know that?

Here?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You have to go to boot camp.

Especially if your dad catches you smoking weed in the garage, then you definitely have to go to boot camp.

So I did it when I was 12.

I went to Montana, and I did the mud crawl.

You were mud crawling?

Well, you didn't have mud crawl.

Oh, yeah, because that was before you.

Yeah, you were years before me.

For 20 miles, we had to crawl in a field of just mud.

Mud, yeah.

Yeah.

And you just, you know what I mean?

It's in your face.

It's on your forearms.

It's on.

It's your forearms and your knees.

Yeah.

And even if you get up like that, they kick your head back down.

Push you right back in.

Right.

And go, young man.

Back then, they'd be like, chong.

Cha-chang.

Yeah, cha-chang-chong.

Cha-chang chang.

You face back in the mud.

And they push you back.

You can't breathe.

You can't breathe.

And you're 12 years old.

You're a young kid.

Yeah.

And then you don't sleep for five days.

They put you in a cave.

And I had to go.

I had to go.

What was yours like?

It was like a camp almost.

It was on a lake.

And every night we would go into our little cabins.

And

we had to play hide and go seek, and the counselors

would come after you, and if they found you, they got you.

And

what?

And if they get you, they got you.

Yeah, they got you.

Yeah.

How?

Well,

if they get you, they got you.

Because when I did it, right, the mud crawl, we didn't have the hide-and-go-seek.

They just gotcha.

They got you.

Like, what do you mean by gotcha?

Well, they would say it.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Right?

And you're like, I've been here.

Like, I didn't even get to hide.

Gotcha.

But they got you.

Right?

And then

what?

No.

They just say gotcha.

No,

and then your pants are removed.

Right.

It's a phrase you don't understand.

In the same way that,

you know, Labitau or whatever the name is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, with McDonald's thing.

Getcha, you gotcha is our thing.

Is our thing.

Once they get you, they got you.

Right?

It's an American phrase.

Pull the pants down.

And they butt fuck you.

No, I know your fucking mind shit.

What is wrong with you?

It's a cadet military.

No, they smacked it.

I know your fucking mindset.

It's gross.

Gross.

Pull down their pants.

Exactly.

Yes, dude.

To give you a little spanky tight, a little spanky spank.

Yeah, gotcha.

Gotcha.

They spank you with their dicks.

But they don't fuck you.

That's gross.

Yeah, it doesn't go in the bottle.

No, they smack you with it, though.

Sometimes it hits

the rim of the butt hole.

The rim.

Actually, often, oddly enough.

Yeah, and they would go, oops, oops, oops.

Yeah, Yeah, they say oopsie, which is

oopsie, whoopsie.

Right.

What is going on?

What is going in?

What is that?

Bobby, I sent you this.

I know you did.

I don't watch your videos, dude, because they're fucked.

Like, they're fucked.

I watch the ones you're.

Is this claiming that Michael Jackson is still alive?

Yes.

This is one of these conspiracy theories.

Yeah.

Wow.

What do we think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think you think he went?

You think he removed all of his surgery?

Is that what this is saying?

It could be him.

That looks nothing like him.

Yeah.

That looks nothing like him.

Even a little bit.

Does he claim to be?

Does he claim to be Michael Jackson?

Does he sound like him?

Let me hear him.

Let me hear what he sounds like.

I was not in the hospital at the time.

I was in interim back and forth.

I will tell you this.

Yeah.

That person is not Michael Jackson.

But they probably have the same vibe.

Thing going on.

Thing going on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They have the same thing going on.

He went to Everland Ranch.

Right.

And he never left.

Exactly.

Yeah.

You get what I'm saying.

Like, if you put a thigh out

of a little boy,

gotcha.

He would bite it.

He'd bite it.

Yeah.

Little nibblers.

In fact, in that interview, they should have brought up just

a leg meet some boy, little boy leg meeting.

It's a mannequin leg of a boy.

You see his teeth chattering.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's drooling.

You know he's into it.

Yeah.

Right?

And then bite it, right?

He moonwalks out of there with a boy's leg in his mouth.

Yeah.

Rudy, tell me what's been going on in your little life.

How's your boyfriend?

Good.

He built me a PC.

Did he really?

Yeah, and then I had to hide it because Atikalaila hates games.

She called me and complained.

What do you mean, why?

She hates video games?

Because I wanted to go outside and now she's she's doing this

yeah did my headphones work or no they're really good cool really good cool wait a minute though you he built you a pc for playing what game uh stardew valley hogwarts valorant a lot of games a lot of games yeah i'm obsessed with stardo valley right now really

you started a farm yeah you want to do a co-op yeah we can do a co-oping you want to co-op farm with me yeah but atikalila might get mad at us who cares and it's so funny because I could work on the farm when you're not around.

So when you go back on, you're like, oh, Bobby, like, did this.

So

you'll just do her farm for her?

Yeah.

No, we do it together.

That's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

On your farm, what do you have so far?

I have the greenhouse already.

You do have the greenhouse?

Yeah.

So you're doing the bundles.

Bundles.

Yeah, you're doing the bundles.

Uh-huh.

I have so much.

I have

to go.

No, just let's talk.

Yeah.

I have the barn.

I have the coop.

What do you have in the barn?

Cows, sheep, pigs.

You have pigs already?

Yeah,

so you're getting truffles.

Truffles.

Already.

You're far along then.

Yeah.

That's pretty far along.

Are you being real?

I am.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Thank you for being a bad man.

That's right.

Have you married anybody yet?

I can marry someone?

Yeah.

Oh, so what are you, a girl or a boy?

Girl.

Okay.

So do you know Elliot?

Mm-hmm.

Who's that?

The guy that lives, I think, downstairs.

In the beach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Sebastian.

I don't know.

He lives with Maru.

Robin's his mom.

Oh, okay.

He's the emo guy with the black hair.

Yeah, that guy.

Who went to Neverland and never came out.

What?

Who went to Neverland and never got out?

Where are you going?

I gotta go.

I have a question.

Oh, please.

Okay.

So when I'm cleaning Tito Wabi's house, I...

Oh, wait, stop, stop.

No, no, no.

You let her talk.

But watch.

No, let her talk.

Don't let him get in.

Watch.

No.

Watch.

Go ahead.

No.

I don't.

Fuck him.

I'm just confused as to what it is because in your bathroom.

Okay, stop.

Scott, you stop.

Go ahead, Rude.

There's, like, near the bathtub, there's, like, a jelly, jelly thing that looks like a jellyfish.

Yeah.

And it's, like, really squishy.

And I thought it was, like, a, you know, like, duck.

Duck toys in the

duck toy.

Yeah,

I thought it was like toys.

I love duck toys at the top.

So I tried touching it, and it's like

sticky and squishy.

Yeah.

So I had to ask Matthas, my grandma, because she cleans

his house too.

Yeah.

And she said, oh, it's his sex toy.

It is his sex toy.

Yeah.

But why are there so many?

Yeah, you know, one would ask why there are so many.

There's one in the kitchen, one in the pantry.

Go, go, go, go, go.

No, no, no, where are the rest?

They're all over the place, I bet.

All over.

Yeah.

There's a dozen?

There's got to be a dozen.

Baker's dozen?

No, half a dozen.

Half a dozen.

And

it's like a robot thing, like suction.

There's like different kinds.

Right.

And he leaves them for you to claim.

Oh.

Interesting Tito.

But I thought at first it was like the duck toy.

It is a duck toy.

Robotic tuck toy.

Yeah, because when he uses it, he goes, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Okay.

And,

you know, stuff you find around the house.

Shut your fucking mouth.

You know?

Do you sign an NDA?

No.

Well, okay.

Okay, what about the maggots?

What about the maggots?

What about the maggots?

What do you think?

Not one more word about the maggots.

Well, what about the maggots?

They're my friends.

You have the raccoon have the maggots.

That is true.

No.

And then the next week,

there's maggots already.

How do they?

What's going on over there?

I grow them.

Have you ever heard of a science?

Yeah.

Right?

And I want to explore.

I want to know how they work and how they behave.

And I'm jotting down their behavioral.

Maggots don't just show up out of the blue.

Maggots are cleanly in your house.

That means a fly first found its way into your home through an entry point, decided to lay eggs.

Flies tend to flock to rotting material, spoiled food, old garbage, or sex toys.

And they use that as their breeding ground.

Interesting.

The maggots were in the cat food.

Yeah.

Nah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah, in the sex toy.

It says it could come from anywhere.

Okay.

It's in the fucking.

Was it not in the cat food?

Was there maggots on any of the sex toys?

Oh my gosh.

Was there?

Just in the cat food.

Just in the cabinet, but guess what?

In the cabinet?

In the cat food.

Where is the cat food?

In the aisle thing.

In the kitchen.

Oh, but you said there was a sex toy in the kitchen as well.

Yeah.

Interesting.

How far away was the sex toy to the fucking.

Not far.

Not far.

Yeah, but that's still.

Your Honor.

Your Honor.

That's still

proof.

But I don't get why you have a sex toy in your kitchen.

Why do you have sex toy?

In the pantry.

Can I tell you why?

And I'll tell you why.

We're waiting.

I'll tell you why.

The reason why, my friend, it's none of your business, but I'll tell you, right?

Is I energize them in different areas of my house.

Interesting.

Okay, they're all chargeable.

Oh, right.

So, all my plugs in my bedroom, right, have my phones and my gadgets and stuff like that.

That makes sense.

My bathroom has two plugged-in sex toys that I'm energizing.

And there's a third one because I'll tell you what happens.

Please.

I'll tell you what happens.

They run out of energy because they vibrate and they swirl around.

Sometimes I'm like,

you got to plug it in.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

So I grab another one.

And I go to the kitchen.

So you're walking around with your dick out around your house just grabbing sex toys that die.

I'm not walking.

I'm running.

You're running.

Because I'm wet.

It's in the bathtub.

I do it in the bathtub.

Yeah, you're always wet.

Yeah, yeah.

So you stay in the bathtub and you get out, you go grab a toy, bring it in, go grab another one, and you do this repeatedly.

I don't know why we're even talking about that.

Why don't you have any outlets in your bathroom?

Keeping them all in the bathroom.

plug them all in and there.

Because I have an electric toothbrush.

Electric toothbrush takes up a lot of space.

I don't even know why we're talking about this right now.

We got to develop an electric toothbrush that's also a sex toy.

Okay, can I just say this?

I already admitted that I use them, and I don't think it's wrong to use them.

It's not.

I think women have vibrators and they use them.

Yeah.

And I'm using my sex toys.

What's the problem?

There's nothing wrong with that.

But does Rudy have to clean them?

No, he does.

She doesn't.

And I've never asked you to do it.

I've never asked you to do it.

But at first, the first time I cleaned, I didn't know what it was.

Yeah, that's your fault.

That's your fault.

And I didn't want to ask you because it's awkward.

I agree.

It is your fault.

Mine?

Yeah.

You got to know what it is.

You got to know what it is.

But it looks like a jellyfish.

No, of course.

That's why it sells so well.

That's one of the best on the market.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

We all want to fuck a jellyfish.

You never seen those things in the wild?

I can't wait to put my cock in one of those things.

Do you use gloves?

Yeah.

Okay.

You do?

Okay.

You're fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But when you look at the opening, you think that that's what a jellyfish's mouth looks like?

I don't want.

It doesn't look like that.

That's what jellyfish sound like.

If you pick them up out of the ocean, they go, oh.

You know what I'm going to do now?

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to hide them from you.

Okay.

Ooh, and then you got to find them.

Yeah, you get paid per toy you find.

10 bucks a toy.

You find them, you get buried.

But you are missing out.

On sex toys?

Yeah.

No, I've used, I've used

the vibrating, you know what I mean?

Well, buy me one for my birthday.

Really?

Yeah, I'd love one.

I will buy you one.

Buy me the top of the line one and I'll use it.

Okay.

But I'll have to keep it here at the studio.

You're going to use it every time you do whiskey ginger or something?

Yeah, I haven't done that podcast in years.

I just go jerk off in that room.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm so down.

Will you do that?

You buy me a nice one?

I'll buy you one nice one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, let me say this.

Rudy, it's nice to have you back.

It's awful that you try to call out Tito for having a very healthy, normal sex toy

sex toys at his house.

I'm on your team.

Thank you.

And I want to say thank you for the pillow.

And thank you for being a bad friend.