Aliens, Gyoza & Japanese Dog Men, Oh My!

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Speaker 1 patreon.com slash bad friends that's right patreon.com slash bad friends sign up with us today in the fall we're going on

Speaker 1 rochester new york baby yeah then northfield which is basically cleveland ohio it's just south of cleveland ohio homestead pennsylvania which is in pittsburgh pittsburgh we're doing two shows the first one sold out the late show is there then we go to boston Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., the home of our presidents.

Speaker 1 Then we go to Denver, Colorado, Milwaukee, my hometown of Chicago, Illinois, Minneapolis, and finally in Madison. We're adding dates as we go.
Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets.

Speaker 1 Bad FriendsPod. Come check us out, baby.
Check us out, bye, baby. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Funny father. But anyway, um.
Who called you every day that you had COVID? Who called you every day that you had COVID? You did. I did.

Speaker 1 You'd text me a couple times. Right.
But and then who else? Pete nothing from Pete. You're on the road.
You're headlining. But you called me the most, I think.
You texted me the most. I did.

Speaker 1 I was worried about you. When you said, when I first called you, I said, how are you feeling? You're like,

Speaker 1 yeah, but Robin would call Batman if Batman was sick.

Speaker 1 Well, no, no, it's the other way around, buddy.

Speaker 2 I think I'm Robin, and I did call you.

Speaker 1 No, I'm Batman for sure. You're 100% not Batman.
Yeah. 100% Batman.
You're definitely not Batman. Bro, if you're going to see my house, it's a cave.

Speaker 1 There's nothing beautiful and ominous about you at all. There's nothing like sexy.
How do you... Batman's not sexy.
Yes, it absolutely is. Who gets more pussy? Robin or Batman? Batman, are you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Robin's gay, I think.

Speaker 1 Robin's gay. Oh, he is? He gets no pussy.
Oh, it's the color of the costume. He's got to change that up.
No, I can't. Like a salmon or something.
I think it's Chris O'Donnell.

Speaker 1 You're right, right, right, right, right, right. But I thought that was always batman between us but okay you're a little bit closer to ant-man

Speaker 1 cockroach boy they're different universes cupcake guy

Speaker 1 no ant-man marvel cupcake guy yeah yeah i'm cupcake guy you're closer to cupcake guy yeah you're whatever superhero orders too many things to eat what superhero is that i'll be wombat full menu guy oh yeah you are wombat one batman womb man one batman

Speaker 1 woman

Speaker 1 woman okay all right yeah i'll give you a batman i'll give you a batman yeah thanks yeah carlos is what Alfred? Yeah, for sure. Slave.
I don't know. I kind of like

Speaker 1 I love Alfred. I think Pete is closer to Alfred.
Pete's closer to Alfred. Yeah.
Right, right. Carlos is a little bit closer to like the penguin.

Speaker 1 Right. Carlos is definitely penguin.
Yeah. You are poison ivy? That's poison ivy or catwoman.
No, that's poison ivy. Poison ivy.
Yeah, you have more of a hippie vibe. You know what Pete is, actually?

Speaker 1 Pete is, what was Schwarzenegger? Remember, what was it? Iceman. Mr.
Freeze.

Speaker 1 Mr. Fries.
Mr. Fries.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Welcome back. Bobby's healthy.
Hello. You're back off the road, headlining

Speaker 1 Jetsky Johnson.

Speaker 1 We're back in the studio, man. Look at this.
We're all back together. I love it.
A family, a team. How was the shows?

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 1 Sold out? Sold out.

Speaker 2 The people were great, and Vegas was.

Speaker 1 You played Wise Guys?

Speaker 2 Played Wise Guys.

Speaker 1 One night?

Speaker 2 It was my first weekend. I did Thursday and Salt Lake City, Friday, Saturday, Vegas.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Thursday you did one show? All wise guys. All wise guys? Yeah.
Okay, you sold that out?

Speaker 2 Very close each night.

Speaker 1 It's either a seller or not. Just say, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll give you that. Friday.
Yeah. Sold out.
Everything's sold out. Sold out.
Sold out, sold out. Great.
They even sold out the sold-out sign. Sold out.
Somebody bought it.

Speaker 1 Oh, somebody bought that part. Yeah, that's what happens.

Speaker 2 Seinfeld was in town, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you believe Jesse's across that street? It was crazy.

Speaker 2 And Vegas was wild.

Speaker 1 It's different without us, though, no?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a lot lonelier, but I worked a lot harder.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Were you nervous?

Speaker 2 The first night I was pretty nervous.

Speaker 2 And I like just remembering all my jokes, but I was more nervous flying alone.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because we were there for comfort.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know? But she used to fry.
We'd cry and wait her. Yeah.
Oh, that's cool. Congratulations.
Speaking of flying, man,

Speaker 1 the government just admitted that we have UFOs, legit, like legit, legit. It's over.
Yeah, not. Wrap it up, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What government? Look it up.
What are your government? The only one that matters. What administration, Biden or Trump? Because I only trust Trump.

Speaker 1 Rand Paul's. Remember Rand Paul? That's kind of his thing.
Oh, I like him. Yeah, we love that guy.
No, dude, the government, they got

Speaker 1 Tea Party, Tea Party, Tea Party, Tea Party. No, they literally admitted.

Speaker 1 Look it up, right? Didn't they admit to saying that we have contact with aliens? Is that what it was? And they showed us. They have physical contact.
Dude, wello. Hello.
I'm John.

Speaker 1 They didn't say hello.

Speaker 1 Is that Ibadagopa? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hi, I'm John.
What's your name? Idiacopa. Idiacopa.
Idiacopa. Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola's nephew.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Alien.
I direct up there, too.

Speaker 1 Space father. They said that we have contacts.
Whistleblower tells Congress the U.S. is concealing a multi-decade program that captures UFOs.
Wait, whistleblower tells, like, who's this whistleblower?

Speaker 1 Someone that worked, that worked. Yeah, but who knows who that is? What do you mean? Who's the whistleblower?

Speaker 2 What if it was me? No, I saw him.

Speaker 2 He's a white guy.

Speaker 1 It's a white guy. Yeah.
We got to to trust him. Yeah.
Oh, if it's a white guy you trust?

Speaker 2 He's like tall, too.

Speaker 1 What? Have you learned nothing about this country? Oh, white people tell the truth. That's right.
That's right. They never lied.

Speaker 1 No, but they basically said that we got contact with these people, that we've been going up, that we've been talking to them for a long time. Multiple times.

Speaker 1 Doc was right. Doc was right the whole time.
And I apologize. Yeah, man.
I told y'all, man, that was crazy, man. Y'all thought I was on wine.
I was telling y'all the truth.

Speaker 1 It's insane how true it did come to be. And we captured them.
What does that mean? That we've got them somewhere. I got to believe that we have one somewhere.

Speaker 1 somewhere four shocking moments from congress ufo hearing non-human pilots to possible contact with aliens come on dude

Speaker 1 what do you mean you don't buy it i don't buy it dude this is this is every every every valid news source is talking about this if i see an alien idiopapa right what was his name

Speaker 1 idioc if i see a photo of idiocopola right yeah going hello and a photo you can't take pictures of them why you You can't capture them. They're translucent? Yes.
You can't capture them.

Speaker 1 Or they're like your dick. Trent see-through.
Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah. Whoa.
This is real, dude. Look, they made contact with extraterrestrial life.

Speaker 1 Grush personally interviewed people with direct knowledge of non-human origin craft.

Speaker 1 He personally spoke with people that have been on non-human origin crafts.

Speaker 1 Let's say you captured me. Yeah.
I'm an alien. I'm Idiacoppola.
That's kind of what this show is, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the first question you would ask? Hello.

Speaker 1 Well, hi. Hi.
Idiocoppola. Hi, Idiacopola, where you from? What is your name?

Speaker 1 My name is Pete.

Speaker 1 Pete. My name is George Kimmel.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If you're trying to kill anybody that I...

Speaker 1 Please go after the Kimmel family.

Speaker 1 What's the first question I would ask you? Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Cleveland. You're from Cleveland, Ohio.
You caught me, no.

Speaker 1 Where are you from? I'm from Abria Poppop.

Speaker 1 Aubria Pop up. Yeah.
How long did it take you to get here? It took me 3,000 light years, 2 seconds, 0.5.

Speaker 1 And we must have a different numbering system, I feel like. We do.
Yeah. It's in metrics.
Ah, that's the

Speaker 1 metrics. Yeah.
Yeah. You do seem British.
Bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Gone.

Speaker 1 I would ask like this.

Speaker 1 You be somebody. Hello, my name is Professor.
This is my scientist.

Speaker 2 You say your name? Hi, I'm Dr. Clavorian,

Speaker 2 and we're researching a.

Speaker 1 Dr. Clavorkian.
Clavorkian? Oh, then let's get this thing over with.

Speaker 2 How are you doing today?

Speaker 1 Perfect.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 What's your name? Boscoke. Baskoke? Boscoke.
Baskoke.

Speaker 1 Baskoke. We caught a mafia alien guy.
Oh, hell yeah. That's what he is.

Speaker 1 Baskoke, are you going to have us whacked?

Speaker 1 Well, maybe you can.

Speaker 1 He just kept us an Italian guy.

Speaker 1 All right, that's cool. I mean, truly,

Speaker 1 the best example of this was with men in black when they took the bodies of humans. You know, they're doing this.
You know that they took the bodies of humans.

Speaker 1 Remember the woman on the plane like two weeks ago that's like, she, that motherfucker's not. Oh, I see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
Did she see what she wasn't supposed to see?

Speaker 1 It was a guy in a hoodie.

Speaker 1 I saw a testimonial from a guy that was on the flight who said he saw her talking to a guy with his hoodie up who didn't see, who acted as if he didn't speak to her once, but they communicated telepathically.

Speaker 1 Like the sherry. For like five minutes straight.
Whoa. So she thought,

Speaker 1 I don't exactly know what's going on. She thought she saw somebody in the batch.
She spoke to a person who had a hoodie on, who was bent down, and she said

Speaker 1 it wasn't real. He wasn't real.

Speaker 2 She said, that motherfucker's not real.

Speaker 1 Not real. This distressed woman had a meltdown on a plane saying there was a passenger that was there that wasn't there.

Speaker 1 She wants off the plane. Wait, so there's a guy.
But was he really there?

Speaker 1 There's some skater kid in a hoodie guy.

Speaker 1 Apparently, there was a guy that was there. And he's like, whoa, I don't know what's going on.
Yeah, I don't know. They haven't spoken to this guy.
This guy hasn't come forward. You know why? Why?

Speaker 1 Because that motherfucker's not real.

Speaker 1 I'll fucking blow my mind around. Told you, dude.

Speaker 1 Why don't they have an interview with him? Because he's not real.

Speaker 1 Whoa, little.

Speaker 1 Can I say something? You know, when people get yellow? Ugh, sorry.

Speaker 1 Okay. I don't know what that was.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. I had a social media.

Speaker 1 Honestly.

Speaker 1 Well, people.

Speaker 1 Stop. Sorry.
You were thinking one thing. Yeah.
You weren't looking at me. I know.
Then you looked right at me, and then you said yellow. Yeah, I did.
That was weird.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, when people get sick, they turn green and

Speaker 1 sing red.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's what you did.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When people get sick, they turn yellow and green, right? Don't they say, like, you're turning green or turning yellow? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You look the same.

Speaker 1 So you wouldn't know if I was being nauseous or anything. Right.
How would I know you're nauseous? That's such a good point. You could throw up just regular.
Exactly. No warning.

Speaker 1 Did you throw up the last couple of days?

Speaker 1 no no bathroom trouble no i stopped picking the boogers in my left nostril though that's kind of nice you know why why it would if i picked even a little booger

Speaker 1 it would gush out blood oh uh will you dry was your nose dry were you just always dry drink some water and put some uh affrin up there i don't know but anyway um you were just bleeding out of your nose all day my left nostril yeah let me see

Speaker 1 lift up it looks good yeah it's fine now yeah yeah well it's stuffy how was this covet versus the other one do i rank them? Yeah, you rank them.

Speaker 1 We gotta, if we're gonna keep getting them, we should keep ranking them. I think it was the second worst.
Really? The first time I got it was the worst. This was the second worst.

Speaker 1 Give it to me out of 10. How many out of 10? I've only had COVID three times.
Four. You've had it four times.
Uh-oh. Yeah, this is your fourth time.
My fourth time. Yeah.
Air memory fog.

Speaker 1 Shit. Shit.
Holy shit. Yeah, you're right.
So out of the four times? Yeah, out of the four times. What does this rank? Second worst, I said.
Second worst number out of 10.

Speaker 1 Pain out of 10.

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, dude, the fucking Monday night was

Speaker 1 Monday and Tuesday. I don't even remember.
Night sweats?

Speaker 1 Night fever. Oh, you had bad fever.
Fever dreams, night fever. Oh, give us a fever dream.

Speaker 1 It's well, I didn't really recall what they are. Yeah, you don't remember them? It's just the feeling of horror every dream.
I had a nightmare the other night.

Speaker 1 I kept chasing somebody who I didn't really know who it was from room to room to room. Like they were like, come on, come on, come on.
And I was trying to get.

Speaker 1 into another room and then I'd get in another room and it'd be a totally different place and they were like, come on.

Speaker 1 And I'd follow them into 50 rooms and I could never get to them or get to where I needed to go. Did you consider that a nightmare? It was kind of an anxiety inducing.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's got to be a metaphor. Jesse, go ahead.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't like it, though.

Speaker 1 What? All that running?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 We scooter together. Yeah, you guys do.
Anyway. What are you implying, though?

Speaker 2 That you hate running.

Speaker 1 I think there's more in that implication.

Speaker 2 No, you dislike exercise.

Speaker 1 Take it to the next level. I can't wait to see you in a rascal one day.
Yeah. I'm fat.

Speaker 2 No, when you were talking about being fat man, I was going to make a joke calling you fat man, but I didn't.

Speaker 1 Am I fat? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 Actually, you look pretty good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you look good now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think you're fat. Appreciate it.
The sickness did it. Oh, you think so? I think it got you back in shape.
Yeah, but I need to. Let's get you COVID every quarter.

Speaker 1 Think about it. Imagine that's a new trainer's model.
He's like, listen, lick a pole, get sick once a quarter.

Speaker 1 That way you don't have to eat less. You just, you know, you'll get sick and you'll be fine.
Yeah. Lose a couple pounds.
Yeah, but I just watched reruns of stuff. It was fine.

Speaker 1 I saw a bunch of X-Files again. I saw cold cases, and that's it.
Did we watch Barbie?

Speaker 2 No, not yet. No.

Speaker 1 None of us.

Speaker 2 I want to see it, though.

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't think I will.
I want to. I don't think I'm going to.
I think I was going to go, and then I saw how many tickets they sold. They're good.
Do you know how much money Barbie's made?

Speaker 1 Pull up Box Office Mojo. This is going to blow your fucking mind.
It's crushing Oppenheimer. It is.
Which speaks volumes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That tells you, if you really want to know where society is at right now, go ahead and look at the differences of Barbie and Oppenheimer. Barbie's made $700 million worldwide.

Speaker 1 $74 million worldwide. Oh, my God.
They're going to clear a billion. Wow.
Without a doubt. Due Oppenheimer, what have they made so far worldwide? $400 million.
It's crushing it by $300 million.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, we already know what happens in Oppenheimer.

Speaker 1 No, we don't. We don't know what happens in Barbie.
Yeah, that's true. That is very true.

Speaker 1 I just don't, I don't, I mean, the colors, I think. Ken gets a dick at some point in Barbie.

Speaker 2 Oh, no spoilers, please.

Speaker 1 Sorry, okay.

Speaker 1 What happened to it? Ken Ken doesn't have a dick. Have you ever seen a Ken doll? They have no dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just like a triangle.

Speaker 1 It's just a slope. It's the same as Barbie.
What do you mean? It's gender neutral. Oh, if you pull down its little panties.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I got panties.

Speaker 1 I don't know if Ken wore panties, but you know what? New Age. Whatever.
New Age Ken. Whatever he has.
He probably does. Yeah.
Did you have Barbies as a kid? Oh, yeah. I had mannequins, though.

Speaker 1 Whoa, a big Barbie. Well, my, because my parents won't have to be.
Oh, there's a store. That's so creepy.
Did you talk to them? No, but you know, remember I got in trouble?

Speaker 1 Well, because my dad goes, huck them.

Speaker 1 Because this.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 there was these broken mannequins, right, in the storage room upstairs in one of my dad's stores. And I remember, like, we were there all day, my brother and I.

Speaker 1 And then one day, my dad just goes, Why? Upstairs, uh, mannequin, huh? Why hole?

Speaker 1 And my brother and I, what are you talking about? Right? The hole!

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Big hole in. Not a big hole.

Speaker 1 we know what I think what happened was we tried to do it, but it's like the kind of material it was, we did it too hard. Yeah, it's shattered, it's plastic, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 My brother and I were just like, pop, pop, pop it,

Speaker 1 like when I work on our railroad, just

Speaker 1 right, and it's shattered, the next one, you know what I mean, pop, pop, but I think we tried, yeah, I know you did, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 you're a good kid.

Speaker 1 I'm a good kid, I am, I know I am, you are a good kid, I'm one of the best, you're probably the best kid. But when I was, you know, the baby, I tell you what happened when I was a baby, though.

Speaker 1 My parents go to a wick store downtown San Diego. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And there's a crib. They put my crib in the mannequin because in wick stores, they don't have the body.
It's just mannequin heads. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But all the broken ones, right, they put like a hundred of them on these shelves in this room. But my carriage was in the middle of this fucking room.
That's why you turned up.

Speaker 1 So as a baby, I would look up and there was like a hundred, like, it was like some sort of, you know, Star Wars Senate Yeah, you know what I mean watching over watching over me.

Speaker 1 I don't know what what was I thinking as a baby dude were you thinking that these are all my protectors?

Speaker 1 That's why you have a god complex You assume that your parents left you with hundreds of people to watch over you whoa

Speaker 1 special little boy special I think it fucked me up then

Speaker 1 really yeah because he had no bodies

Speaker 1 Oh, you have a disconnect to the oh right right

Speaker 1 there's just a floating heads above me Do you think you see people as floating heads? Like when you see Liz, you just see a floating head and not a body? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 2 That explains a lot.

Speaker 1 That does. Yeah.
Disconnect from the person. But yeah, what a horrifying way to grow up.
Yeah. Yeah.
Frightening. The first year.

Speaker 2 But maybe you got comfortable in front of audiences.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like a lot of people.

Speaker 1 You know what? Really, be honest with you. I was never afraid of audiences.
Yeah, because people were always looking at you. Whoa.
Whoa. Do you see the guy? There's a guy.

Speaker 1 Show him the guy that turned into a dog. You know this guy? I saw that.

Speaker 2 It's so weird.

Speaker 1 You don't know about that. I would love to see Asian dogs.
This man spent 14 grand to turn himself into a border collie. He goes by Toko.
Isn't that your nickname for you?

Speaker 1 Don't you call yourself Toko somewhere? My penis is Toki. Toki, yeah.
Pretty close. Dog dick.
Toki the dum dum.

Speaker 2 Wait, if you go to the end, I don't know if you really want to see it, but if you search for it in Instagram, you'll see the video of him walking.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go. Look at him roll over.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Carlos.

Speaker 1 And they had to put Asian music behind it.

Speaker 1 There he's getting pet.

Speaker 1 It's so weird, dude.

Speaker 1 Do you know what's amazing? What? I want one.

Speaker 1 You want a Japanese guy dressed as a dog? Yeah. Yeah.
Can we buy one? We got to get one of these. By the way, how funny is this? Imagine this wasn't this guy in his own admission.

Speaker 1 This white girl was like, the only way I'll be with you is if you turn into a dog. Yeah.
Like, he didn't want it. And she's cute, too, huh? Kind of, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is weird, but it's not sexualized. There's no fetish part of it.

Speaker 1 He just wants to be a dog.

Speaker 1 So cute. That's so crazy.
Somebody likes eating shit.

Speaker 1 That is so crazy. He waves.
That's not a

Speaker 1 dog. A dog.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But for real. I mean, that's not real.

Speaker 1 There's a human being in the costume. Oh, no, no, that's him for life.

Speaker 1 That's him. He never gets out of that? Can't.

Speaker 1 It's permanent. That's not true.
You said he goes to work. Huh? You said he goes to work without the.
As a dog.

Speaker 1 He always shows up with a suit or something. He works at PetSmart.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's Petsmart. Yeah.
Walks around. Right.
By the way, a dog in a suit. So cute.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he meets other dogs. Chime.
You know, when I was younger,

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Speaker 1 Hydro.com, code is bad friends. So you mean, what if I had to transform into, am I a human version of an animal? Or do I...

Speaker 1 It's like this. You have to transform into something else.
I know. My point is that if I say cricket, will I go this small? You'd have to.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You still have my mind? Yeah, the laws of the universe exist. This guy still is this guy.
Whoever that guy is. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 So if I ever, I think i would probably and this is let me say it on the count of three let's say it one two three sea otter oh sea otter for sure for me for you really you look like a sea otter already i was gonna say dragon

Speaker 1 does that oh that's ridiculous yeah yeah stop that well mine was real why dragon why dragon dragon's not even real there is no why dragon

Speaker 1 because sometimes like when you're mad you'll be like you just woke the dragon tell me that's not you that's a hundred percent you oh that's me yeah that's right that is look at you floating on your back yeah yeah I mean, that's you.

Speaker 1 That's true. You're a sea otter.
Let's make, let's get you a sea otter costume. Pete, spend 15 grand on a sea otter costume for Bobby, please, immediately.
You got it. I would be an orangutan.

Speaker 1 I'm closer to monkey than you. I don't know orangutan for you, man.
They're vulnerable. They're annoying.
Look at that. That's 100% me.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 that's true.

Speaker 1 That is true, you. I mean,

Speaker 1 I can. But we can never see each other.
Why? That's what's sad about you. You think orangutans and sea otters can't be homies? Yeah, I'm in a fucking lake.

Speaker 1 You're in a jungle.

Speaker 1 You think there's no lakes and jungles? That's insane. There's rivers and jungles.

Speaker 1 The Amazon River goes through the jungle. Okay.
Float down the river, dog, and come say hello. What about this then? Yeah.
You move to the forest. Oh, I have to move.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I'm not moving to the jungle. Oh, some random river.
It's so funny. Of course, there's crocodiles.
Just like this show, I have to move to fit your needs. Oh, that's not fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 The thing is, is that you don't have as many predators as I do. True.
I'm protecting you. Nothing's going to hurt you.
That fat fuck orangutan is going to protect me when they know. Look at me.

Speaker 1 That's me protecting you right there. That's you and all that's you and your buddies.

Speaker 1 That's you and everyone that lives in your house at any given time. Okay, that's right.
That's true. I mean, honestly.
I'll go to the fucking.

Speaker 1 I'll go to the junk.

Speaker 1 What would Jessica say? Can I ask you something?

Speaker 2 If I was a clam, would you eat me or would you be my friend?

Speaker 1 Oh, if you were a clam.

Speaker 1 If you were a clam?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and you found me and you were like about to eat me, but I was like, whoa, Bobby, it's me. I'm a clam now.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't eat you. I would eat everything around you, though, your family, everything.
I got to tell you, in the middle of the night, as an orangutan, I would eat her. Oh, you wouldn't eat.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, clam?

Speaker 1 Yeah, look, there's you right there talking to her. Oh, right.
I just would eat. I would just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I feel like I would eat her on accident.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's me complaining. Like, you couldn't fucking pick something with legs.

Speaker 1 I had to carry around every fucking weird. That's kind of true.

Speaker 1 That's me.

Speaker 2 It's kind of true now.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you? Can we make an animated version of us where you play a sea otter, she's the clam, and I'm the rangutang that we all live in harmony? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love that.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. And then you're like, why can't you carry her? Look at how big you are.
I know. And I'm like, I've got too much for it, man.
I'm tired. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Plus, I've been throwing poop all day. My hands are filthy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They just throw poop. You know that ranging tang? All right.
Throw poop all the time. And I'd be so mad at you because it's like, you purposely picked something that's going to be in my area.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know, but I would, I know. It's very similar to real life.

Speaker 1 Look at that. That is me.
It's totally you. It's 100% me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where? Right there hanging from a rope. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is you. That is you, for sure.
Look at the eat. Look at them eating and smoking.
That's me. I like all this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What is Carlos? A bald eagle. Yeah, bald eagle.
Look at the bald eagle. Yeah, he's a bald eagle.
No, they're symbolic for freedom. Just type in really bald eagle.

Speaker 1 Is there an actually bald, bald eagle?

Speaker 1 Has there ever, ever been a bald, bald eagle? Right, to the rare. There is Carlos.

Speaker 1 There you are, Carlos. You're right.
really false healer eagle. There you are, bud.
Dude, that's 100% Carlos. Yeah.
That is so fucking funny. That's so funny.
That's actually Carlos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A really bald eagle. Straight from a glory hole.

Speaker 1 But he stuck his head in. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at his beak. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. He got ripped in that whole glory.
By the way, in this animated series, he is called a really bald eagle. The really bald eagle.
Morgan and Morgan.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something, bud. Like, if you're ever in a car accident or something happens on the road or something like that, right? If you don't call Morgan and Morgan, you're going to get gypped.

Speaker 1 okay? Submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy. It's so simple.
It's just like using an app, then hiring a lawyer.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing: I got into a car accident a couple years ago in our neighborhood. Who did I turn to? I had no idea where to go.
Who had insurance? How do I get my money? When do I get my money?

Speaker 1 Ow, my neck hurts.

Speaker 1 Who am I going to call? You got to call Morgan and Morgan here. You got to call Morgan and Morgan.
And what is it? Morgan Morgan is America's largest injury law firm.

Speaker 1 They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers, dog. That's so many.

Speaker 1 With over 15 billion dollars recovered for clients, Morgan Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation.

Speaker 1 If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Submitting an injury claim, like Bob said, through Morgan and Morgan, is so simple and easy.
Okay, you can do it very quickly.

Speaker 1 What do you do? If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win.

Speaker 1 For more information, go to forthepeople.com/slash bad friends or dial poundlaw pound529 from your cell phone. That's for the people.

Speaker 1 F-O-R thepeople.com slash bad friends or pound law pound five two nine from your cell. There's a paid advertisement.
Do you feel normal at post post getting sick?

Speaker 1 Do you feel like everything else is lined up fine?

Speaker 1 Well, last night I had some difficulties at the comedy store. Why? You went up last night? Yeah.
Why? Because I felt like I canceled too much.

Speaker 1 You were sick with COVID. No, I wasn't.
No. Seven days ago I got it.
Oh, okay. And also, I never tested.
Yeah, I know. That's a assumption.

Speaker 1 He literally called me and I go, hey, did you test negative yet? And he goes, I didn't even test the first time.

Speaker 1 Right, so who knows? Yeah, I was like, well, how the fuck did you think you had it? I was sick. You could have just said I was sick instead of saying I had COVID.
It's more dramatic with COVID.

Speaker 1 It sure is with you. Yeah.
Yeah. You're such a drama coach.
Yeah, guys. I'm drama.
What happened last night at the comedy store? I just kind of lost my way on stage mentally.

Speaker 1 In the middle of your jokes. Yeah.
And then I remember like, you know, sometimes, you know, you're performing and in your head, you're like, you just make this realization, like, oh,

Speaker 1 I'm not connecting with them at all. The audience wasn't good then, maybe.
Maybe it wasn't.

Speaker 1 Maybe it wasn't, but in my head, I was like, I did something wrong, and then I started losing like how to say certain jokes and this and that. Really? Yeah, and I kind of lost my way up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a little bit. And you felt like you got off and it felt weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then I was, it was also fucking hot as fuck. No, the AC is broken.
Yeah, so I was like sweating. And then I

Speaker 1 went to Dean Del Rey and and I go,

Speaker 1 I got to get out of here. And he goes, why, buddy? And I go,

Speaker 1 come on and stay. I go, yeah, I go, I think I lost my way up there.
I just, I'm feeling embarrassed about it. So I got, and then that fucking guy calls me.
Who, Dean? Dean Del Ray 30 minutes later.

Speaker 1 And I put it on speaker. I go, what's up? And he goes, the audience loved you, buddy.
Say something. And the whole audience, he did it on stage.
That's funny. The whole crowd went, ah, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And like, you motherfucker, you know what I mean? Showing you love. Yeah.
I need help, I think. I think I've lost my weight because I am having memory loss.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe.

Speaker 1 What else don't you remember? Can I ask you some questions then? Please.

Speaker 1 Am I still dating Kalila? Look at me in the face right now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Kalila died a couple years ago, buddy. I hate to do this.

Speaker 1 I hate to say this on the show because it's fucked up. We've already gone through this, but

Speaker 1 Kalila was,

Speaker 1 it was an accident.

Speaker 1 She was riding a massive wave.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 A massive wave.

Speaker 1 No. She was riding a massive wave.
I thought he's a dick. I did not at all.

Speaker 2 It's sad, but funny because you make that joke every time we do this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, every time we've done this. We've talked about this before.
Yeah. Every time we tell you about this, it's like you make the same

Speaker 1 dick joke. Yeah.
And I should have changed it to she was riding a wave. I should just say wave.
Don't say riding. It is kind of funny.
Well, then when you're with me. If I forget again,

Speaker 1 she was surfing. A dick.

Speaker 1 A wave.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. All right.
Yeah, yeah. And what happened was, is she didn't see that there was like a double break.

Speaker 1 There were two barrels, and two barrels intersected, and there was someone else swimming underneath.

Speaker 1 And she tried to get out of the way as fast as she could.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 she slipped, and he fucked her to death in the ocean. He fucked her together.
I told you there was a dick. Well, there was, but you can't fuck her that fast.

Speaker 1 I knew there was a dick in her. He fucked the shit out of her as they were barrel rolling and killed her because she couldn't get up for air.

Speaker 1 He was fucking her while they were swirling in the barrels. Okay.
He lived, by the way.

Speaker 1 I completely forgot about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's gone. What else is going on? So,

Speaker 1 is my brother okay?

Speaker 2 He's really famous right now.

Speaker 1 He's the most famous he's ever been. It's insane.
He's selling out fucking arenas right now. Really good.
Yeah. My brother Steve.
Steve is selling out arenas.

Speaker 2 And because of all your memory fog, he actually, they replaced him in the, and just like that, he's in the new.

Speaker 2 But he took over for you. It's good.

Speaker 1 He's killing us. Is he playing the same part? Yeah, same part.
Same name, same everything. Wow, wow.
And people, they don't care? He's up for two Emmys this year.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's killing it.

Speaker 1 He's actually really proud. Really ripping.
I'm so happy for him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So happy for him. Well, he went over his speech with Jesse.
He gave her his speech because they do kind of tell you if you're going to win. He said he was going to win an Emmy.

Speaker 1 And he said he's going to thank you first. Oh, cool.
But he's... Anyway, I got to go to the hospital now.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you remember you have brain funnels?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's talk. Okay, let's now.
That's fun and games. That was a nice 10-minute bit.
This is the best version of 50 First Dates I've ever seen. Let me ask you.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something, guy, right?

Speaker 1 Did that, what was the original thing?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he still doesn't remember. I don't fucking even remember.
I'm so fucking livid. Hey, what are some of the weird things? Did you order weird shit while you were sick?

Speaker 1 Did you eat a bunch of fucking crazy shit? Did you order stuff all day to the house? Well, I do just my normal food runs.

Speaker 1 You didn't get anything like obscure because you were sick to make you feel good? I mean, I went to, well, I could look at my... I'll show you where what? I want to hear your ordering history.

Speaker 1 Because knowing that you like to eat out, not being able to leave the house once, what are you looking for, kiddo? God damn, it's hitting an artist.

Speaker 1 This memory thing is really striking him to a different degree.

Speaker 1 The memory fog is scaring me.

Speaker 1 What am I looking for?

Speaker 1 Are you being serious, right? What was I looking for?

Speaker 1 Your car keys. You were just looking for your car keys.
I don't know where they are. Because the show is done.
You're going to go home. We said, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Pete just said it.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I'm sweating, dude. What the fuck is going on?

Speaker 2 That was a funny episode, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was good. It's really good.
What the fuck is going on right now, dude? Two hours is longer than we usually do. My God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, best,

Speaker 1 actually, most boring M Night Shamelon twist ever.

Speaker 1 That would have been crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but anyway, what did I order? Yeah, what'd you order? Let's go back to ordered. What'd you get?

Speaker 1 I went to Cohen.

Speaker 1 Genghis Cohen. Love Genghis.
I thought they closed. No.

Speaker 1 Still open, huh?

Speaker 1 Are they?

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No! Dude, where did I go, dude?

Speaker 1 Holy fuck.

Speaker 1 Are they?

Speaker 1 Do you imagine if we go down to Genghis Cohen and it's just, it's a ghost town down there? Damn. Whoa, there's like it's completely empty? Yeah, I would love it so much.

Speaker 1 I would have lost my mind. Yeah.
If I look, because because I look, I remember ordering it on my app.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had that when you thought something was a thing and then it's not a thing and you can't believe it's not like Bernstein Bears. Oh, yeah.
Well, that's, that's what you call it.

Speaker 1 That's Mandela effect. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, isn't that Mandela effect?

Speaker 1 When you think it's one thing, but it's the other. I'm talking about when you think a thing was there, like you were just there the other day and it's gone.
Whoa, yeah.

Speaker 1 That happened to me when I went back to the old neighborhood in West Hollywood. I was literally just there.

Speaker 1 I remember driving by, going to the store, and then I drove by again and the restaurant that was there,

Speaker 1 gone. And I was like, that can happen overnight.
But it felt like it was packed the night before. It was the weirdest feeling on earth.
The chairs were gone. The thing was down.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The sign was up closed. I still think Greenblatts is open sometimes.
That fucks me up. I know, well, I miss it a lot.
Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I think, I want to go to Greenblatt.
Is it open?

Speaker 1 And then I go, I don't think it is. I don't know how long it's been closed.
A while. This city, everything fucking opens and closes right away.
Speaking of which, I want to open up a restaurant.

Speaker 1 I'm ready. If you want to invest, can I pitch it to you? Let's go.
Gioza.

Speaker 1 Everybody loves Geoza. Yeah.
Right? okay check this out well can we just can i do it with you or no yeah but can i give you my pitch but can i you're pitching me to be a business partner

Speaker 1 so i get to add my own of course go ahead gyoza right like it you get in line as you're in line you pick from three menus one the kind of meat or meatless two

Speaker 1 the flavoring And three, the sauce. Get ready.

Speaker 1 I went to a place in Japan that did this. You pick the meat or meatless, right? That five kinds of meat.
It was like chicken, pork, beef, dog,

Speaker 1 pig,

Speaker 1 something else.

Speaker 1 And then the second one was flavorings, which was like

Speaker 1 physical spices or physical, like, you know, it'd be like peanut sauce or. No, no, no.
That's sauce is his third. Second one was dustings.
It was like dustings, right? It's a dusting. You know, like

Speaker 1 a curry powder, powders. Like a powder.
Right.

Speaker 1 So, and the third one is sauces, like that. It would be like fish sauce or eel sauce or soy sauce or whatever.
And so what you do is they give you the fucking gyoza that you want.

Speaker 1 Let's get another question, though. Listen, they give you the gyoza that you want.
They put the powder the flavoring in a bag. It's like powder.

Speaker 1 And then you shake it up and then you get the sauce on the side and you dip it in. You take it out of the bag that's shaken up.
So you create it right there. You go, I want this, this, that.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 And I did it in Japan. And I was like, how come we don't do that here? Yeah.
And it's always to go. We don't have to worry about overhead.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to worry about anybody sitting down and eating. It's to go.
Everything is to go. To cut costs, though,

Speaker 1 since I'm your business partner. Love this.
Get rid of the bags.

Speaker 1 How do they flavoring it? We do it for them? No. Oh, we just give it to them in their hand.
Yes. Okay.
And you could shake it like this. I feel like it's not saving enough money, but I like it.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? How much is a fucking bag?

Speaker 1 1 15th of a penny of a cent each bag. So we save $3 a day.

Speaker 1 This guy's smart.

Speaker 1 I should never question you again.

Speaker 1 So you have to wait like this. So you just go like this.

Speaker 1 Right. And they put it in your hands.
Yes. And then you roll it it around and just eat it.
Right.

Speaker 1 And do we pour the sauce in your mouth? We don't even let them have sauce to go. Exactly.

Speaker 1 You're so good, dude. I like this.
Right. So you go in, you put your hands out like this.
Yeah. Right.
And they go, pork, dog, or chicken. What was it? Pork.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then pork curry, pork yellow curry with fish sauce. But you said there was a dog option earlier.
It's always there. All right.
So, oh, it's like when you go to In and Out and you get

Speaker 1 a secret menu. All right, secret menu.

Speaker 1 It's actually called animal style. Right, animal style.
Oh, yeah, animal style. We took that from them.
That's funny. Yeah, Kyos.
I go, animal style, they stick it in there. Then the powder.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 In your hand, right? Yeah, what do you want? Do you want like a green curry, a red curry? Do you want cinnamon? Yeah. Do you want nutmeg? Do you want

Speaker 1 nutmeg? Okay. They throw it in there, right? Got it.
And then the guy behind the

Speaker 1 guy behind the fucking counter goes, close your hand. Close your hand.
You close like this.

Speaker 1 Then, you know what I mean? Shake. Shake.

Speaker 1 Shake, right? Right. Open your mouth.
Then we have a guy.

Speaker 1 Squirt your mouth, right? Yeah. Then you eat it.
Perfect. Perfect.
Do we have to have a sing for them to wash their hands?

Speaker 1 No. Just a bucket.

Speaker 1 What about a bucket of rain water? They can just dunk their hands in and walk out. Just a bucket.
No, something better. Because I know the catch.
All right.

Speaker 1 At the door,

Speaker 1 there's a hand. Just a guy's hand.
No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You know how sometimes in baseball games or football games, they have that gigantic hand? Oh, right. The high-five hand.
High high five hand. We have what like...
A foam hand.

Speaker 1 A foam hand, and you high five. And that wipes

Speaker 1 your hands. I like this.
Two hands. You go, hype.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 High pipe. High pipe.
High five, right? And you leave. By the way, can the restaurant be called high five? High pipe.
High pipe.

Speaker 1 What are you guys thinking? We lose.

Speaker 1 No napkins. No napkins.
Right? No plastic bags. Nothing.
Wasteful. We're saving.
Wasteful. Right.
We're saving the environments by the way. That's exactly why we're doing it.

Speaker 1 High pipe. Yeah, yeah.
We should open up a restaurant. Usually do? I 100% would do this.

Speaker 2 Can I say something about

Speaker 1 David Dobrik? Yeah. The pizza place.
I finally went there.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Is it good?

Speaker 1 I went there too. Is it good? Let me see here.
Your opinion first.

Speaker 2 Okay, I thought it was good, except it's way too much parmesan.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, I love parmesan.

Speaker 2 The crust is like parmesan crisp.

Speaker 1 I really like parmesan. That's a tough self.

Speaker 1 It was too much dough, not enough red sauce. Well, it's called Dobrik's pizza.
I mean, the whole thing is. I know, I know.
I just chunk.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's huge. Like a cake, really.
The bread. Let's do Bad Friends Pizza then.

Speaker 1 You think so? We could. And go open it next to his.

Speaker 1 So fuck. How fun with that? Just take over Saddle Ranch.
Have a fucking

Speaker 1 shit. Keep the bowl, though.
Yeah. Actually, the bull is how you shake up our Gyoza.
I think Gyoza is perfect because it represents you and me. So we do use a high bibe there.
High bibe.

Speaker 1 We do a high bibe next to Dobrik. 100%.
I'm so down to do this. Do it where the old cigarette store used to be.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 By the way, since since we talked last time about that, I got an in-home massage again. Okay.
And I asked her if I could get naked this time because we talked about this before. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I said, hey, do you hate it when clients get naked? And she goes, what? No. Oh.
You can get naked. What do you mean? Of course.
She goes, it's privacy. It's privacy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 She goes, no, no, no, that's not unusual. I said, oh my God.
Was she attractive?

Speaker 1 You know, I think about her in a professional sense, not in that sense.

Speaker 1 Whoa, no, no, she's no, no, no, she, but nine or ten. No jokes, no, all jokes aside.

Speaker 1 She is a, she is a, uh, yeah, I mean, in the sense of like, I'm not attracted to her, but she's an attractive woman.

Speaker 2 Hoba, huba, hubba.

Speaker 1 That's what I heard. But I get,

Speaker 1 I get, I mean, I'm very much not attracted to her. I don't want to be, I'm not trying to be mean.

Speaker 1 I'm not attracted to her.

Speaker 1 I know you, though. I know you.
Well, I. Do I not know you? Yeah, sure.
You know me, right? Yeah. Yeah.
So let me ask you something. Because the theory is flawed.
I get on naked for

Speaker 1 anybody who massages me. But just hear me.
It doesn't mean like I pick who I get. I get naked for a massage.
I like it. But I feel comfortable.

Speaker 1 This particular one, though, isn't offended because she's not attractive. Honestly, I get naked for every massage.
I don't discriminate. I don't care.

Speaker 1 They say dress to your comfort level. My comfort level is naked.

Speaker 2 What about like a foot massage?

Speaker 1 I still get naked. That's crazy.
Well, it's a massage. Okay, so if I...
When I get a manicure, when I get a manny petty, I sit in that chair butt naked with my dick out and my balls out.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine if I just get a I go for a mani petty and I'm just sitting there with my

Speaker 1 cock out

Speaker 1 one girl on my hand, one girl rubbing my feet and she's saying to the other girl.

Speaker 1 Why his dick so small?

Speaker 1 If I was a massager, masseuse, a maszooz, gay guy. Why? Yeah, why?

Speaker 1 That's who I am. Oh, you would.
I am.

Speaker 1 Like, hey, hey, get naked.

Speaker 1 You got it. And you wouldn't have a problem.
Why would I care? You're a professional masseuse. It's your job to be professional.

Speaker 1 I assume you're going to stay professional in this professional place that we're in. Okay, so

Speaker 1 you're on this chair. Yeah.
Your face is in the donut hall. You start eating my ass.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What would you do? I'm not snitching.

Speaker 1 You literally wouldn't say anything. Of course I would say something.
What would you say? Down to the left. Yeah.
You'd say, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. You wouldn't go, I'd go, uh-huh.
Is it taint?

Speaker 1 Is it

Speaker 1 taint an add-on, or is that included? So you wouldn't be offended. So if anyone touched you in a sexual way, you wouldn't say anything.

Speaker 1 Well, no, I would say something. But you wouldn't press charges.
I don't think I would press charges.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't press charges either. Well, unless it was like, look, if it was an accident, but if she started like, if a masseuse like grabbed my dick,

Speaker 1 I would just be like, I wouldn't press charge, but I'd be like, hey, hey, come on.

Speaker 1 I don't want that. But you would still continue with the massage.
Well, yeah, I want my back done. My back hurts.

Speaker 1 My fucking back hurts. I mean, okay, so if you got a massage and someone grabbed your genitals,

Speaker 1 make up a word.

Speaker 1 You stumbled. You were like, grabbed your langola.
Your langola. Okay, yeah.
Somebody grab your langola. Somebody grabbed your langola.
Langola. Right.
And it is long. And you go, stop.

Speaker 1 Would you finish the massage or would you press charges? What would you do? Be real. If it's a guy, if it's a guy, it's obviously sexual assault.
If it's a girl.

Speaker 2 It's a girl. I'm getting off.
See?

Speaker 1 Really? See, she's going to get off.

Speaker 2 And then I'll get the rest of the massage.

Speaker 1 But even me as a guy, even if it was a guy or a girl and they touched my genitals, I wouldn't press charges and I probably would finish the massage.

Speaker 1 If a guy grabbed your dick aggressively, you'd want it to stop.

Speaker 1 Let me think.

Speaker 1 Like he's like, like this? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there you are. You're resting.
Am I on my back? Of course. No, you're on your stomach, and he's grabbing your dick

Speaker 1 from the side. And through

Speaker 1 your cock is sideways. Yeah, you're laying on it.
He's pulling it from the back.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 I'm laying down like this, right?

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm laying down like this, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Reaches under. Right.
Where's Where's his hands at?

Speaker 1 Whoa,

Speaker 1 right? I would be like, sir,

Speaker 1 please don't let go.

Speaker 1 Please don't let go. He's like, yeah, is my tip going to be good? It's going to be a great tip.
Gently put it down. There you go.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Because if we went, pop, then I would hurt.
Yeah, no, that would hurt. Yeah, yeah.
Now hit those shoulders, baby. Yeah, so what I would do is I would be like, don't stretch my dick again.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
That hurt a lot.

Speaker 1 Um, I've never gone to one of those massage parlors. I have no interest in them.
No, I've never either. I've never been to a happy ending.
Carlos did. I know Carlos has.
3,000 times. 3,000 times.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why I don't like it. Why? Well,

Speaker 1 amongst the obvious reasons. But

Speaker 1 remember, I've never been to a masseuse.

Speaker 1 Only the milking table and escorts.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that dude.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. He's fucking.
Sorry about that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Voidy toys. Yeah, thanks for the clarification.
I just want to let you know. You're right.
And we're wrong, actually. We're wrong.
And I'm sorry. I don't know.
I've never been grazed.

Speaker 1 I've never been touched inappropriately.

Speaker 1 I've gotten

Speaker 1 semi-hard once,

Speaker 1 and I was a little embarrassed.

Speaker 1 I was getting massaged and my wiener got a little hard because I was fading into sleep. And I kind of was having, you know what I mean? Right.
Was it male or female masseuse? It was a guy. Oh, cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Amazing.
And he was like, he's like, oh, you got a little hard there.

Speaker 2 He said that to me.

Speaker 1 He said that out loud.

Speaker 1 And I said, little hard. I'm full.

Speaker 1 And he said, right, we call those little hearts.

Speaker 1 He bullied me. He bullied you.
And then my dick went soft right away. So he bullied me.
No, I didn't get hard.

Speaker 1 It was a female masseuse, actually. And I started to get worried about it.
Oh, I see. Like, I was on my stomach, thank God.
I wasn't on my back. And I was like, oh, my God, why am I?

Speaker 1 I was like, don't, don't, don't, stop. Yeah.
Cut it out. But I asked one time a friend who's a massage therapist, and she said, it happens.
It happens. Yeah.
People just get hard.

Speaker 1 There's nothing, what can you do? That girl from the sam tripoli shows she you know she does

Speaker 1 massages in the back yeah dude she's good joy eileen joy joy yeah she's really good yeah she my right shoulder hurt so bad before a show and she did she did something but it really helped how hard did you get

Speaker 1 my shoulder no you're did you get an erection no i do no oh i don't know they do say it happens though i was embarrassed i was embarrassed but they do say it happened so it made me feel like oh okay this isn't like the first time i feel like because you guys can't control your boners right i can well you you know.

Speaker 1 Oh, the way you summon like your own boners. I would argue you have less control now than ever.
I have complete control. Get a boner right now.
There's no way I could. Right now.
Okay. Ready?

Speaker 1 Can I play with myself? No, no, no, please, God, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Not on the shot.

Speaker 1 I can't do it spontaneously. Yeah, like crying? It's like no, it's like crying, right?

Speaker 1 I can do it accidentally.

Speaker 1 You still get accidental boners? boners? At night, when I'm asleep, four in the morning, sometimes I'll be like, why am I erect right now? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But I mean, you won't get a boner

Speaker 1 out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking about a woman.
You're not going to be at Jersey Mike's and get hard. Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 Although that is a good sandwich. It's so funny.
I just went there today. I know you did.
I can smell it on you. Are you being real? You smell like Jersey Mike's.
Whoa. Whoa.

Speaker 1 It's a very obvious smell. Jersey Mike's.
Really? Yeah, I can smell it. That's insane.
Did you get in Mike's way? I didn't because my friend told me you never get in Mike's way delivered.

Speaker 1 And I go, why? Because the oil and vinegar soggies it up. Soggies it up.
That makes perfect sense. It depends on how long the distance is.

Speaker 1 So I did it once.

Speaker 1 Because we had an argument about it, and I go, you're fucking wrong, man. Those fucking buns and that bread is tough.
She's right, isn't she? She was fucking right as fuck, bro.

Speaker 1 The bottom was unedible. Soggy Boggy.
Soggy Boggy. So today I got two sandwiches.

Speaker 1 No oil and vinegar. What, just in case? You got two? Or you ate both? No, I saved one for my night munches.

Speaker 1 Cutie pie. I always have something in the fucking chamber.
Just in case. Either chili or something or yogurt.
Chili? And granola. Yeah.
Chili and yogurt.

Speaker 1 And at the same time, oatmeal sometimes. That's a healthy snack.
Steel cut. I'd like to see that more at night.
Yeah, so sometimes I'll either do chili, steel-cut oatmeal, or

Speaker 1 every once in a while, pot pie.

Speaker 1 Bad boy.

Speaker 1 Let's guess what Liz's late-night snack is.

Speaker 1 What do you think? What do you think she wakes up in the middle of the night and eats? I know. Chocolate-covered crickets.

Speaker 1 I was not thinking. Insects, chocolate-covered insects.
Look at her. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was thinking like ants or something.

Speaker 1 Oh, chocolate-covered ants?

Speaker 1 I was going more like tofu. Chocolate-covered tofu? No, just tofu in general.
Who the fuck is eating anything non-sweet in the middle of the night?

Speaker 1 I'm eating sweets when I'm waking up in the middle of the night. Really? I want sweets.
I don't want like a fucking meal. I do.

Speaker 2 I want like a French dip.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there we go. There we go.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.
Yeah, you keep on that train, dude. You're going to fucking.
I know. But I haven't had breakfast in years.
Well, because you miss it. It's right through it.
I miss it.

Speaker 1 You can't wake up at 20%. I miss breakfast.
You miss breakfast. And that's a very, that's double-layered.
You miss it because you miss it. Oh, wow.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Yeah. I miss it because I miss it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I never miss breakfast.
I love breakfast. It's my favorite meal.
Yeah. You could get, I haven't eaten lunch.
Don't care. Yeah, I just like the baked bean thing that you told me about.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I love it so much.

Speaker 1 You never cook yourself? You never cook yourself? See, she has an Asian accent. Oh, maybe it's an Arizona.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 So, you heard the question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't.

Speaker 1 You can cook.

Speaker 2 I feel like you would love cooking. You love food so much.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't like cleaning, though. Oh, God.
That's why, like, I have three juicers, but I haven't used any of them in years.

Speaker 2 Maybe you got four juicers here.

Speaker 1 Anyway. It's pretty good.
It's pretty good.

Speaker 1 But cleaning those things is a nightmare. Just throw them out.
Get a new one. I just keep throwing them out.
Buy one, throw it out. Wow, throw it out.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But have you ever tried to clean one of those? It's just like just the carrot carcass. I have our blender.
I don't even like the fuck. I have one of those.
What are they?

Speaker 1 The Neutra Bullet. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 The one that cuts through fucking humans. I thought that was the Neutra Bullet.
Will It Blend? You know that show, Will It Blend? Oh, yeah. What's Will It Blend?

Speaker 1 What are those called?

Speaker 1 What's the name of the blender? We have that blender.

Speaker 1 Blend tech. We have one of those.
It's like crazy strong. You could fucking.
Have you ever seen this guy? Whoa.

Speaker 1 This guy's funny. He's like, iPad.
Will it blend? He'll like throw a fucking iPad in there. Watch this.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he has the best blender. Pretty good blender.
Look at it. You have that blender? Yeah.
Turns it into dust. That was one tough pad.

Speaker 1 How do I know that that's Macon's uncle? You know what I mean? How do I know that that's Macon's? I got to get one of those. Blend tech, dude.
You can blend anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you got to rinse it immediately.

Speaker 1 You do have to rinse it out right away. I just put it right in the sink with hot, soapy water.
I'm going to buy one today. Buy one today.
Because I want to blend. I got kava.
No, not kavaka.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you're trying to say. I don't know.
I'm going to try to get there. Let's try.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Kava? Not kava. Yeah, it's a kava.
It's like it's the new. Yeah, it's the new.

Speaker 1 Let me see if I can get there. He has no idea.
It's a powder. Yes.
Yeah, what's it got?

Speaker 2 It's like the Polynesians or the islanders drink it. It's like they're alcohol.

Speaker 1 It's powder. No, no, no, that's not that.
That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 What's the brand called? I was like, did we find out you're not sober anymore? No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's not a Polynesian. It's called vodka.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 it's like a meal-powdered pack.

Speaker 1 It's like a meal-in-one. Right.
But I've been trying to like, because I want to lose weight. So I've been using just tap water and the powder.

Speaker 1 And it just clumps into these balls. It tastes terrible.
Just got to eat those balls, baby. So let me ask you something.
If I get a blender, it'll break it up. Yeah, but what do I put in it? So I put

Speaker 1 powder. How about some ice? Ice.
Maybe a little vanilla flavoring or peanut butter, maybe. Or frozen blueberries.
Yeah, blueberries, banana.

Speaker 1 I can put bananas in it, peanut butter, ice. What else is good? Vanilla ice cream? Maybe a splash of some kind of dairy product like milk or oatmeal.
Okay, okay. So you think that'll work?

Speaker 1 I mean, it'll help smooth it out for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is how you make a smoothie, bud. Are we teaching you how to make a smoothie? Yeah, that's what I'm going to make.
That's really

Speaker 1 literally what the ingredients are. Okay, I didn't know.
You're going to be our smoothie king. Or just go to Smoothie King.
You can get it there. That's better.
I know.

Speaker 1 This is the point.

Speaker 2 If you got the monies, there's places out here that make them so good.

Speaker 1 There's so many good smoothie joints. Yeah.
Well, I'm excited. The reason I brought up Austin is I'm excited.
I'm going to play Joe's Club for the first time. That's great.

Speaker 1 I am excited to go down there and see the club. Yeah, they asked me.
I said, I'll do it next year. Why'd you say you want to take a year?

Speaker 1 Not ready? Yeah, I want to do it next year.

Speaker 1 And we've been on the road a lot. We're going to go back in the fall.
I know. It's going to be exciting.
And then, what? Vegas, maybe. Vegas, maybe.
And on top of that,

Speaker 1 we got offered to go do Europe. No.
Yeah, we did. London.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got hit up with Australia about it. Should we do that too or no? I think we should do everything.
And then she's nodding like she's going to get to go.

Speaker 1 We're going to have to decide if you're going to. You know, you know,

Speaker 1 what you did to him earlier is going to

Speaker 1 be real.

Speaker 2 I told you it affected me, and you said it didn't affect you.

Speaker 1 That's true. But it did.

Speaker 1 It affected me. Yeah, it affected us.
I know. It affected us.
I know.

Speaker 2 Things were going so good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So, who

Speaker 1 do we bring? You know, Allie Mac.

Speaker 1 Allie Makofsky. Yeah, we should bring Allie Mac on the road.
She's open for you guys before. Yeah, she's great.
She'd be great.

Speaker 2 She's really funny.

Speaker 1 She's great. You know what she doesn't do? Very likable.
Deceive you. And sabotage.
That's right. Yeah, yeah.
She lives in a

Speaker 1 very clear.

Speaker 1 You know, I almost pulled a Bobby Lee the other day, by the way. Which is what?

Speaker 1 I almost bought bought a pair of shoes like you, the way you do shoes. Where? A rip-off, you know, your golden shoes.

Speaker 1 Where, where?

Speaker 1 At Bloomies.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you do it? I just couldn't pull the trigger on something so silly. How much was it? They're like $600.

Speaker 1 Golden Goose? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you wanted them. There was a pair like them.
It wasn't Golden Goose. I don't know the brand.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I looked at them and I laughed. Why?

Speaker 1 You should treat yourself to a pair. That's crazy.
Why? I bought a bean bag for $900. It's coming tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Like a love sack? I don't know what it is. I saw it on Instagram.
You bought a $1,000 bean bag. On Instagram.

Speaker 1 Do you sit in it? I don't know what it does, but it's like, it's cute.

Speaker 1 Salmon. So it's a salmon? Yeah.
So an Instagram ad got you and was like.

Speaker 1 It gets me every time, dude. I have all kinds of stuff.
This guy looks like a bean bag. He'll buy it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to buy a bean bag. I already did.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you buying all sorts of shit from Instagram? Yeah. Really? A lot.
What else?

Speaker 1 I get a lot of clothes for sure. They've got you then.
They're really humming. Is most of your Instagram then ads? Is it a lot of ads? It's mostly ads.
Do you have ads? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I have like almost no ads. Once in a while, I'll get an ad.

Speaker 1 They have great products on Instagram. And they cater to you.
I know. Yeah.
It just makes me uncomfortable that I'm supporting the fucking chaos. I know, but it's like you let them in your house.

Speaker 1 I know, but you have, you know,

Speaker 1 Imogene and Willie is a great for t-shirts. Imogene and Willie? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of them.

Speaker 1 The map. Oh, this one.
This is Imogen and Willie. It is.
It's on there. It's got to be on there.
It is on there. But my point is that I'll buy this.
They got you.

Speaker 1 And the more we talk about it, the more I'm going to get an ad for it on my phone now, too.

Speaker 1 I want you. Yeah, now I'm going to get one.
So that Aviator Nation and probably Made Warren are the t-shirts. So those are the ads that pop up and you buy them.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And then furniture now.

Speaker 1 And you're buying,

Speaker 1 yeah, beanbag. You're going to start with Beanbag.

Speaker 1 You'll be doing beds and shit in no time. Is Willie Nelson still alive? Yes.
Yeah. He is? He just had his birthday party at the Hollywood Bowl.
Wait, really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why didn't we go?

Speaker 1 He's 90. He's 90 years old.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Would you smoke? I would let you crack your sobriety if we got invited to hang out with Willie Nelson.
I'd let you smoke a joint with him.

Speaker 1 But I'd have to take you home afterwards and stay with you. No, I would do shrooms with him, too.
No. Yeah, yeah, let's do the whole thing.
He's like, I would do a cocoa tank. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shrooms the whole whole thing. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to give me one night with him, you got to let me do everything.
Can you imagine we go backstage with Willie Nelson?

Speaker 1 He's drinking like a La Croix. He's like, I don't want to smoke, man.
Yeah. He just wants his night off.
Do you ever think Snoop just wants a day off when someone's like, yo, the smoke is blunt?

Speaker 1 Do you ever think he's like, guys, I don't want to get high right now? Yeah. I've been doing this way too much for too long.
I'm tired. Yeah.
I'd like to not get stoned. No.

Speaker 1 You think he's down all the time? Yeah. That's, see, to me.
I think he'll die if he stops. Right.
Like when the alcoholics get the shakes and stuff.

Speaker 1 like i saw a guy last night we went bowling the other night and a guy got out of his car and it was like a plume of weed smoke and then like a little girl you know he there was a group of people and the little girl was like uncle and she started running up to him he's like hey baby girl and he picked her up and he was just like i mean like she got stoned she was like enshrouded in fucking weed

Speaker 1 and i thought i remember being a guy who always smoked weed going to places yeah and and i just i thought i don't miss that anymore because the anxiety of showing up really fucking high just does not appeal to me anymore.

Speaker 1 I don't want to show up to like an event ripped out of my head. I used to fucking love it

Speaker 1 because I could disappear. Yeah.
But now I'm like, oh, I'd be thinking about too much. Also, because we're a little bit known, people are staring at you.

Speaker 1 You're pretty healthy, though, in terms of you're very moderate. Everything's in moderation with you.
I try. I mean, I try.
No, no, I look at you. You're very healthy.
I try. You exercise.

Speaker 1 We're on the row. You're always like, I did a hike.

Speaker 1 I lifted.

Speaker 1 You know why?

Speaker 1 You know why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I'm not as blessed as you when it comes to you can, you're 52. Yeah, 51.

Speaker 1 You barely exercise and you're alive. If I did your lifestyle, you would be alive too.
I'd be dead. No, you'd be alive too.
I would be fucking 500 pounds.

Speaker 1 If I lived your life, if I ate a sandwich at midnight, your little midnight snack, if I had a fucking Jersey Mike's at at midnight, I'd be fucking 800 pounds because I would do it all the time.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'd be, it's like there wouldn't be a night throughout the week. I didn't, like a pint of ice cream, I'd laugh at.
I'd get the gallon and I'd smoke it. Yeah, I don't do ice cream anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. This is my point.
I can't, once I go down that path, it's over. Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't even, if I buy a bag of chocolates, I'm eating the whole fucking thing. Yeah.
I'm not, why would I stop? Peanut butter cookies is what I eat at night, too. I would wreck a bag.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you eat the whole thing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, see what I mean? I'd be dead. I'd be fat and dead if I was you.
Yeah, I'll drink almond milk. It's great.

Speaker 1 Drink it with almond milk? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So good. Does that regulate the...

Speaker 1 Does that curb your fat? You think? Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, but I think I'm gaining a lot of weight. You're not.
You don't think I am? No, you look the same.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Liz, what do you think? How does he look?

Speaker 2 I think you look great.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Liz. No, that's a fucking crocker shoe.

Speaker 1 Liz, stop, stop. I think you look great.
Be honest. I think you You look great too, Liz.
I think you're glowing today, Bob. Your glore.
Yeah. Your glore?

Speaker 1 I've been watching cold cases, though, and you know what bones me about the cold cases? Sometimes they kick, like,

Speaker 1 because of DNA now, they'll catch some guy, some guy that's 85.

Speaker 1 They'll show up to their house and go, you know, in 1968, you know what I mean, you left this little sperm, you know what I mean, sperm inside this lady. Yeah.
And now we got you.

Speaker 1 And the 85 is like, all right.

Speaker 1 I have a year left. Who gives a fuck? You get done.

Speaker 1 There's no satisfaction. He's going to die on the way to the field.
Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 What would you rather them happen? Have it to do the DNA in the 60s.

Speaker 1 Technology. Oh, so go back in time and get better technology.
Get better technology back in time. That makes sense.
My point is, it's not fair, man. It'd be fun if they just killed him on the spot.

Speaker 1 Right, right. Yeah, yeah.
It's like the Grim Cold Case Grim Reaper. Oh, that's sick.
What if they did that? What if they did this? Here's your sperm back. They gave it back.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Thank you.
He sticks it back in his dick.

Speaker 1 I just think if you committed a crime 40 years ago. I have an idea.

Speaker 2 You committed a crime 40 years ago. They find your sperm.
They take, you're 80 now, the guy who committed the crime.

Speaker 2 Take the sperm, you clone it, you get their son, and then you put their son in jail for life.

Speaker 1 This is a black mirror episode. That's intrinsic.
Whoa, that's a black mirror. That's such a good episode.

Speaker 1 The son didn't do it. He's paying for the crimes of his father.

Speaker 1 So they're saying, would you care? Listen, they're saying be good in this life because you're affecting others' lives. It's metaphor for how you treat everybody in the current life.

Speaker 1 Your life now can affect others. Butterfly effect.
You can place your son in jail by being a criminal. But my point is.
I love this. But Andrew, check this out.
But I still like mine.

Speaker 1 When they committed a crime, they show up to you and they shoot you right in the middle. Yeah, that too.
That one's fun. I give back the sperm.
That's my thing. Guy, that's you.

Speaker 1 But check this out. What? You lost this in the 60s.
We found it inside of a China.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you. I was looking for that.

Speaker 1 How is she?

Speaker 1 But yeah, those cold cases are wild, you know? Well, it's insane that they can go that dark. I mean, dude, look at you speaking of the most notorious cold case.

Speaker 1 They just found more evidence for Tupac.

Speaker 1 Did you see all that shit?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What do you mean? Among the items saw by investigative computer laptops are articles about Tupac and his death. Evidence case is now being presented to Las Vegas grand jury.

Speaker 1 No charges have been filed. The investigation is expected to continue for weeks to months.
They found a bunch of new evidence from the Tupac case. Who killed him? Today, yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Home search, Tupac and Tupac murder in Vegas. Police searched a home in the Las Vegas area on Monday night in a long dormant murder case of hip-hop legend Tupac Shakur.

Speaker 1 So they found a bunch of shit that might tip them off to maybe finding some more shit out. But apparently the guy that killed Tupac's dead, right? Isn't he dead? Didn't they say that?

Speaker 1 I thought he died. He was shot, though, right? No, they kissed him to death.

Speaker 1 And he was like, I went that guy's shit. And then

Speaker 1 the mob. It's a crazy mob.
Wow. Get rid of those.
To this day, Tupac Shakur's killer remains a mystery. Ah, suspect would never come.
I thought for some reason they said they did.

Speaker 1 Anyway, look, yeah, they've got all this new evidence for this guy. And that's the case is what, 30 years ago now? How many? He died in 97.
Seven or eight? Yeah, 97. Almost.
That's crazy, man.

Speaker 1 So crazy. Dude, honestly, if somebody killed me, how long would you search for the murderer?

Speaker 1 Honestly.

Speaker 1 Bobby,

Speaker 1 how much time would you spend?

Speaker 1 What do you mean, spend?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. I want to be clear.
Oh, Oh, my fucking bad. What do you mean by spend? You know what I fucking mean.
No, good.

Speaker 1 Here's. Will I be thinking about it? Thinking about it? All the time.
I think about my dead grandmother. That's not what I'm talking about.
So I've been watching all these cold cases.

Speaker 1 And what happens is there's always somebody to keep it alive. A warm case.
Right, to keep it a warm case, right?

Speaker 1 So you need somebody to call every once in a while, the police, and go, what's the new evidence? What are you guys doing? Would you do that for me?

Speaker 1 I'll have Melanie do it.

Speaker 1 Your fucking assistant? Yes. She can't even book you a flight at the house.
I understand that. That woman fucks up.
Every once I'll call Melanie and go, so what's up with that? What's his name again?

Speaker 1 Andrew.

Speaker 1 No, I won't. I'll go, you know, the Andrew thing.

Speaker 1 She's like, yeah, I emailed him six months ago. By the way, she didn't even.
You know, she forgets the email. That's all a lie.
No, how long would that? In her. You know, I would go all the way, dude.

Speaker 1 I like Melanie. I'm just kidding.
I would get,

Speaker 1 it would consume me. I mean, I would quit comedy.
To find my killer? Oh, yeah. My whole life would be that.
Here's our other this place right here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It would be just like one of those fucking beautiful mind right offices with like lines connecting lines connecting and me trying to figure out. Will you be there?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I'd quit comedy.
We'd be like disgruntled.

Speaker 1 Who do you think did it out of our crew? Because someone, oh, it's always someone from the inside. Isn't it though, right? Don't they find out like the number one? It's always someone from the inside.

Speaker 1 Who did it? Who did it? Who done it?

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 1 Doc did it.

Speaker 1 You killed you, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, man, but that joke you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't be having that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I died. Who killed me?

Speaker 1 Doc. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're actually Doc. I am Doc.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Doc for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I genuinely think mine is Bryce.
And this is inside baseball, but I think Bryce would, yeah. He's quiet.

Speaker 1 He's quiet. Right, Bryce for sure.
Unassuming. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the way, Carlos was there smoking a cigarette, watched it happen.

Speaker 1 he's like, oh man, that's fucked up. You know what I mean? That's all he would do.
Look at that. Hey, I killed Andrew Stantino.
Fucking murder. How obviously does that guy kill me?

Speaker 1 He obviously kills me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes when he talks to me, I think he might think about

Speaker 1 killing me when he speaks to me. The least believable person killed me is I think Pete would kill me.
Because that's the last person people would think.

Speaker 1 Well, it's great because, yeah, no one would think so. Yeah, yeah.
But why did you kill me, Pete? Yeah, why, Pete?

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes I get a little frustrated with what you're doing. You know, in the heat of the moment.
Yeah. You know, and maybe stab you 20 times and then black out and go, oh, what happened?

Speaker 1 Thought about it. He's thought about it.
He's thought about it. Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, he's thought about it. That's a scenario.
That's 100% he's thought about it. That's 100% he's thought about it.

Speaker 1 Because remember the Force Awakens? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. Remember the Porgs? Yeah.
You remember the Porgs, right? What was that other creature that the liquid milk?

Speaker 1 Is that

Speaker 1 Pete? That's Pete's body. Wow.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you who it actually is. Because I've wanted to milk your kids before.
I'll tell you who

Speaker 1 would actually kill everybody.

Speaker 1 Go find him. Find the guy.
Get him milking.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 There's Pete.

Speaker 2 That's Pete's body. That's why he's going to kill you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Pete's body. That's how I sit, too.
Is that you on vacation?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There he is. How funny would it be to post that?

Speaker 1 I never finished. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's Pete's body. That's a wild story.
How funny would it be to post that on your Instagram and just be like, hey, made it to Italy. Just

Speaker 1 chilling on the beach.

Speaker 1 Well, look at him. Look at Pete.
All right, so check it out. Maybe we'll go to Europe in the new year.
Maybe we'll go to Australia. Maybe we have a Vegas for income.

Speaker 1 We have all sorts of fun stuff that we're trying to come up with. Yeah.
But we'll

Speaker 1 see, baby. It's great.
Hey. Yeah.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Even more than that.
What? I love you. I am going to miss you when I move to Austin.
You're not moving there.

Speaker 2 Do you want to come with me when I go visit?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Anyway.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.