Aliens, Gyoza & Japanese Dog Men, Oh My!

Last week was our first playoff game, and my plaque psoriasis was so itchy under all my gear. Sometimes just thinking about scratching could take me out of the moment.
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Get medical help right away if you have trouble breathing or swallowing,

swelling of the face, lips, tongue, throat, or arms.

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Ask your doctor about Otesla. Call 1-844-4OTESLA or visit otesla.com for prescribing info, info about cost, and more.
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In the fall,

we're going on tour.

Rochester, New York, baby.

Yeah, then Northfield,

which is basically

Cleveland, Ohio.

It's just south of

Cleveland, Ohio.

Homestead, Pennsylvania,

which is Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh.

We're doing two shows.

The first one sold out.

The late show is there.

Then we go to

Boston, Massachusetts.

Washington, D.C.

Denver, Colorado.

Then we go to Denver, Colorado. Washington, D.C., the home of our presidents.
Then we go to Denver, Colorado, Milwaukee,

my hometown of Chicago, Illinois,

Minneapolis, and finally in Madison. We're adding

dates as we go. Go to BadFriendsPod.com

for those tickets. BadFriendsPod.com

Come check us out, baby!

You two are bad friends!

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Funny.
Funny, funny. But anyway.
Who called you every day that you had COVID? Who called you every day that you had COVID? You did. I did.
You called and texted me a couple of times. Right.
And then who else? Pete Nothing from Pete. You're on the road.
You're headlining. But you called me the most, I think.
You texted me the most. I did.
I was worried about you. When I first called you, I said, how are you feeling? You're like, okay.
Yeah, but Robin would call Batman if Batman was sick. Well, no, no.
It's the other way around, buddy. I think I'm Robin and I did call you.
No, I'm Batman for sure. You're 100% not Batman.
Yeah. 100% Batman.
You're definitely not Batman. Bro you seen my house? It's a cave.
There's nothing beautiful and ominous about you at all. There's nothing like sexy.
Batman's not sexy. Yes, it absolutely is.
Who gets more pussy? Robin or Batman? Batman, are you? Yeah, Robin's gay, I think. Robin's gay.
Oh, he is? He gets no pussy. It's the color of the costume.
He's got to change that up.

No, I just-

Like a salmon or something.

I think it's Chris O'Donnell.

You're right, right, right, right.

But I thought I was always Batman between us, but okay.

You're a little bit closer to Ant-Man.

Cockroach Boy.

They're different universes.

Cupcake Guy.

No, Ant-Man Marvel.

Cupcake Guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm Cupcake Guy?

You're closer to Cupcake Guy.

Yeah?

You're whatever superhero orders too many things to eat.

What superhero is that?

I'll be Wombat. Full menu guy.
Oh, yeah, you are Wombat. Wombatman.
Wombatman. Wombatman.
Wombatman. Wombatman.
Wombatman. Okay, all right.
I'll give you a Batman. I'll give you a Batman.
Yeah, thanks. Yeah, Carlos is what? Alfred? Yeah, for sure.
Slave. I don't know.
I kind of like- I love Alfred. I think Pete is closer to Alfred.
Pete's closer to Alfred. Yeah.
thanks. Carlos is what? Alfred? Yeah, for sure.
Slave. I don't know.

I kind of like... I love Alfred.

I think Pete is closer to Alfred.

Pete's closer to Alfred.

Yeah.

Carlos is a little bit closer to like the penguin.

Right.

Carlos is definitely penguin.

Yeah.

You are Poison Ivy?

That's Poison Ivy.

Or Catwoman?

No, that's Poison Ivy.

Poison Ivy.

You have more of a hippie vibe.

You know what Pete is actually?

Pete is...

What was Schwarzenegger's?

Remember Ice...

What was it?

Iceman. Mr.
Freeze. Mr.
Freeze. Mr.
Freeze. Mr.
Freeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Welcome back.
Bobby's healthy. Hello.
You're back off the road headlining Jetski Johnson. We're back in the studio, man.
Look at this. We're all back together.
I love it. A family.
A team. How was the shows? Amazing.
Sold out? Sold out. The people were great and Vegas was wild.
Yeah, baby. Wait, waitgas was baby wait you played wise guys played wise guys one night uh it was my first weekend i did thursday in salt lake city friday saturday vegas okay so thursday you did one show all wise guys yeah okay you sold that out very close each night it's either a seller or not just say Just say yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
Yeah.

Okay, I'll give you that. Friday.

Yeah. Sold out.
Everything sold out. Sold out.
Sold out.

They even sold out the sold out sign.

Sold out. Somebody bought it.
Oh, somebody bought that part?

Yeah, that's what happens. Seinfeld was in town

too, but. Yeah.
Can you believe

Jesse's across the street? It was crazy.

And Vegas was wild.

It's different without us though, no?

Oh yeah, it's a lot lonelier, but I worked a lot harder. Really? Yeah.
Were you nervous? The first night I was pretty nervous and I like just remembering all my jokes, but I was more nervous like flying alone. Yeah.
Because we were there for to comfort her. Yeah.
You know? When she used to fly, we'd fly with her. Yeah.
Oh, that's cool. Congratulations.
Speaking of flying, man, the government just admitted that we have UFOs. Legit.
Like, legit, legit. It's over.
Yeah. Wrap it up, dude.
Yeah. What government? Look it up.
It's, what are your government? The only one that matters, right? What administration? Biden or Trump? Because I only trust Trump. Rand Paul's.
Remember Rand Paul? It's kind of his thing. Oh, I like him.
Yeah, we love that guy. No, dude, the government, they got...
Tea Party. Tea Party? Tea Party.
Tea Party. Tea Party.
No, they literally admitted. Look it up, right? Didn't they admit to saying that we have contact with aliens? Is that what it was? And they showed up...
They have physical contact. Like, hello.
Hello, I'm John. I'm Ibaragopa.
Is that Ibaragopa?opa? Yeah. Hello.
Hi, I'm John. What's your name? Idyakopa.
Idyakopa. Idyakopa.
Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola's nephew. Yeah.
Alien. I direct up there too.
Space father. They said that we have contact.
Whistleblower tells Congress the U.S. is concealing multi-decade program that captures UFOs.
Wait, whistleblower tells, like, who's this whistleblower? Someone that worked. Yeah, but who knows who that is? What do you mean? Who's the whistleblower? What if it was me? No, I saw him.
He's a big, he's a white guy. It's a white guy.
Yeah. We got to trust him.
Yeah. Oh, if it's a white guy, you trust? Yeah.
He's like tall too. What? Have you learned nothing about this country? Oh, white people should tell the truth.
That's right. Yeah.
That's right. They never lie.
No, but they basically said that we got contact with these people. That we've been going up, that we've been talking to them for a long time.
Multi-decade. Doc was right.
Doc was right the whole time. I apologize.
Yeah, man. I told y'all, man.
That was crazy, man. Y'all thought I was on wine.
I'll tell y'all the truth. It's insane how true it did come to be.
And we captured them. What does that mean? That we've got them somewhere.
I got to believe that we have one somewhere. Four shocking moments from Congress UFO hearing.
Non-human pilots to possible contact with aliens. Come on, dude.
What do you mean? You don't buy it? I don't buy it. Dude, this is every valid news source is talking about this.
If I see an alien, right? What was his name? Iria Coppola. Coppola.
Iria Coppola. Iria Coppola.
If I see a photo of Iria Coppola, right? Yeah. Going hello.
And a photo. You can't take pictures of them.
Why? They're translucent? Yes. You can't capture them on film.
Oh, they're like your dick.

Trent see-through.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Whoa.

This is real, dude.

Look, they made contact with extraterrestrial life.

Grush personally interviewed people with direct knowledge of non-human origin craft.

So he personally spoke with people that have been on non-human origin crafts.

Let's say you captured me.

Yeah.

I'm an alien.

I'm Edia Coppola. That's kind of what this show is,'t it yeah yeah what what would you what's the first question you would ask hello well hi idia coppola hi idia coppola where are you from my name is my name is uh my name is pete pete all right my name is george kimmel yeah if you're trying to kill anybody that i please go after the Kimmel family.
What's the first question I would ask you? Where are you from? Cleveland. You're from Cleveland, Ohio.
You caught me. No.
Where are you from? I'm from Aubreyapapap. Aubreyapapap.
Yeah. How long did it take you to get here? It took me 3,000 light years, two seconds, 0.5.
And we must have a different numbering system, I feel like. We do.
Yeah. It's in metrics.
Oh, that's the, well, British. We do it in metrics.
Yeah. Yeah.
You do seem British. Bye.
Bye. Gone.
I would ask like this. You be somebody.
Hello, my name professor. This is my scientist.
You say your name.

Hi, I'm Dr. Klavorian, and we're researching a...

Dr. Kvorkian.

Kvorkian.

Oh, then let's get this thing over with.

How are you doing today?

Pretty good.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Baskolk.

Baskolk?

Baskolk.

Baskolk.

Baskolk.

Baskolk.

We caught a mafia alien guy.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.
What's your name? Baskoke. Baskoke? Baskoke.
Baskoke. Baskoke.
We caught a mafia alien guy. Oh, hell yeah.
That's what he is. Yeah.
Baskoke, are you going to have us whacked? Oh, maybe you can. He just kept us on an Italian guy.
You keep that. All right, that's cool.
I mean, truly the best, the best example of this was for men in black when they took the bodies of humans. You know, they're doing this.
You know that they took the bodies. Remember the woman on the plane like two weeks ago? That's like she, that motherfucker's not real.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Did she see what she wasn't supposed to see? It was a guy in a hoodie.
I saw a testimonial from a guy that was on the flight who said he saw her talking to a guy with his hoodie up who didn't see who who acted as if he didn't speak to her once but they communicated telepathically like the shining like five minutes straight whoa so she thought i i i don't exactly know what's going on she thought she saw somebody in the back she spoke to a person who had a hoodie on yeah was bent down and she said it wasn't real he wasn't real she said that motherfucker's not real this distressed woman had a meltdown on a plane saying there was a passenger that was there that wasn't there she wants off the plane wait so there's a guy but was he really there there's some skater kid in a hoodie going apparently there was a guy that was there and he's like whoa I don't know what's going on Yeah, I don't know if they haven't spoken to a guy. But was he really there? There's some skater kid.
Apparently there was a guy that was there.

And he's like, whoa, I don't know what's going on.

Yeah.

I don't know.

They haven't spoken to this guy.

This guy hasn't come forward.

You know why?

Why?

Because that motherfucker's not real.

Oh, fuck.

It blew my mind.

Told you, dude.

Fucking blow my mind. Why don't they have an interview with him?

Because he's not real.

Whoa, dude.

Can I say something?

You know when people get yellow?

Oh, sorry.

Okay.

I don't know what that was. Wait, wait, wait, stop.
I am so sorry. No, honestly.
Well, people- Just stop. Sorry.
You were thinking one thing. Yeah.
You weren't looking at me. I know.
Then you looked right at me and then you said yellow. Yeah, I did.
That was weird. I was going to say when people get sick, they turn green and yellow.
When people get sick and red, that's what you did. Yeah.
When people get sick, they turn yellow and yellow and green right don't they say like you're turning green or turning oh yeah yeah yeah you look the same so you wouldn't know if i was being nauseous or anything right how would i know you're nauseous that's such a good point you could throw up just regular exactly no warning did you throw up the last couple of days no no bathroom trouble no i stopped picking the boogers in my left nostril though. That's kind of nice.
You know why? Why? If I picked even a little booger, it would gush out blood. Oh.
Were your nose dry? Were you just dry? It's always dry. Drink some water and put some afrin up there.
I don't know. But anyway.
You were just bleeding out of your nose all day? My left nostril, yeah. Let me see you it looks good yeah it's fine now yeah yeah well it's stuffy how was this covid versus the other one do i rank them yeah you rank them we gotta if we're gonna keep getting them we should keep ranking them i think it was the second worst really first time i got it was the worst this was second give it to me out of 10 how many out of 10 i've only had covid three times four you've Uh-oh.
Yeah, this is your fourth time. There's the memory loss.
Yeah, there's the memory fog. Shit.
Shit, holy shit. Yeah, you're right.
So out of the four times? Yeah, out of the four times. What does this rank? Second worst, I said.
Second worst number out of 10. Pain out of 10.
Oh, I mean, dude, the fucking Monday night was... Monday and Tuesday, I don't even remember.
Night sweats? Night fever. Oh, you had bad fever dreams, night fever.
Oh, give us a fever dream. Well, I didn't really recall what they are.
Yeah, you don't remember them. It's just the feeling of horror, every dream.
I had a nightmare the other night. I kept chasing somebody who I didn't really know who was from room to room to room.
Like they were like, come on, come on, come on. And I was trying to get into another room.

And then I get another room and it'd be a totally different place.

And they were like, come on.

And I'd follow them into 50 rooms and I could never get to them or get to where I needed to go.

Would you consider that a nightmare?

It was kind of anxiety inducing.

I mean, it's got to be a metaphor.

Jesse, go ahead.

What is it?

You wouldn't like it though.

What?

All that running.

What?

We screwed her together. Yeah, you guys do.
Anyway anyway what are you implying though that you hate running there's i think there's more on that implication no you dislike exercise take it to the next level i can't wait to see you in a rascal one day yeah i'm fat no when you were talking about being i was gonna make a joke calling you fat man but i didn't am i fat no okay actually you look pretty good yeah you look good now thank you i don't think you're fat i appreciate it the sickness did it oh you think so i think it got you back in shape yeah but i need let's get you covet every quarter i think about it imagine that's a that's a new trainer's model he's like listen lick a pole get sick once a quarter that way you don't have to eat less you just you know You'll get sick and you'll be fine yeah lose a couple pounds yeah i just just watch reruns and stuff it's fine i saw a bunch of x files again i saw um cold cases and that's it did we watch barbie no not no none of us i want to see it though i don't i don't think i want i want to i don't think i'm gonna i think i was gonna go and then i saw how many tickets they sold. They're good.
Do you know how much money Barbie's made? Pull up Box Office Mojo. This is going to blow your fucking mind.
It's crushing Oppenheimer. It is.
Which speaks volumes. Yeah.
That tells you if you really want to know where society is at right now, go ahead and look at the differences of Barbie and Oppenheimer. Barbie's made $700 million worldwide.
Oh my god. $774 million worldwide.
Oh my god.

They're going to clear a billion. Wow.
Without a doubt.

Do Oppenheimer. What have they made

so far worldwide? $400 million.

It's crushing it by $300

million. Yeah, well we already know what happens in

Oppenheimer. No, we don't though.
We don't know what happens

in Barbie. Yeah, that's true.
That is very true.

I just don't, I don't, I mean

the colors, I think. Ken gets a dick at some point in Barbie.
Oh, no spoilers please. Sorry, okay.
What happened to it? Ken doesn't have a dick. Have you ever seen a Ken doll? They have no dick.
Yeah, it's just like a triangle. It's just a slope.
It's the same as Barbie. What do you mean? It's gender neutral.
Oh, if you pull down its little panties. Well, you know, I got panties.
I don't know panties but you know what new whatever new age ken whatever he has he probably does yeah did you have barbies as a kid oh yeah i had mannequins though whoa a big barbie well my because my parents owned the store that's so creepy did you talk to them no but you know i remember i got in trouble well because my dad goes how come because so there was these broken mannequins right in the storage room upstairs in one of my dad's stores and I remember like we were there all day out my brother and I and then one day my dad just goes why upstairs mannequin huh why hole my brother and I what you talking about right the hole the know i mean big hole not a big hole no yeah but i know i know what i think what happened was we tried to do it but it's like the kind of material it was we did it too hard yeah it's shattered it's plastic yeah yeah yeah my brother and i were just like like when we're working on a railroad just right it's shadow get the next one you know i mean pop up but i think we tried yeah i know you did yeah yeah you're a good kid i'm a good you are a good i'm one of the best you're probably the best yeah but when i was you know the baby i tell you what happened to when it was a though my parents went to wick store downtown san diego yeah and there's a crib they put my crib in the mannequin because in wick stores they don't have the body it's just mannequin heads yeah but all the broken ones right they put like a hundred of them on these shelves in this room but my carriage was in the middle of this fucking room that's why you turned out so as a baby i would look up and there was like a hundred like it was like some sort of you know star wars senate yeah you know what i mean watching over watching over me i don't know what was i thinking as a baby what were you thinking that these are all my protectors that's why you have a god complex you assume that your parents left you with hundreds of people to watch over you. Whoa.
Special little boy. I'm special.
I think it fucked me up, dude. Really? Yeah, because he had no bodies.
Oh, you have a disconnect to the, oh, right, right. There's just a floating heads above me.
Do you think you see people as floating heads? Like when you see Liz, you just see a floating head and not a body? Yeah. Wow.
That explains a lot. That does.
Yeah. Disconnect from the person.
But yeah, what a horrifying way to, you know. To grow up? Yeah.
Frightening. The first year.
But maybe you got comfortable in front of audiences. It's kind of like a lot of people watching you.
You know, really, be honest with me, I was never afraid of audiences. Yeah, because people were always looking at you.
Whoa.

Whoa.

You see the guy?

There's a guy.

Show him the guy that turned into a dog.

Do you know this guy?

Oh, I saw that.

It's so weird.

You don't know about this?

I'd love to see Asian dogs.

This man spent 14 grand to turn himself into a border collie.

He goes by Toko.

Isn't that your nickname for you?

Don't you call yourself Toko sometimes?

My penis is Toki.

Toki, yeah.

Pretty close.

Dog dick.

Toki the dum-dum. Wait, if you go to the...
I don't know if you really want to say but if you search for it on instagram you'll see the video of him walking there it is okay here we go look at him roll over whoa carlos and they had to put asian music behind it there he's getting pet. So weird, dude.
Do you know what's amazing? What? I want one. You want a Japanese guy dressed as a dog? Yeah.
Yeah, can we buy one? We gotta get what it is. By the way, how funny is this? Imagine this wasn't this guy in his own omission.
This white girl was like, the only way I'll be with you is if you turn into a dog.

Yeah.

Like he didn't want it.

She's cute too, huh?

Kind of, yeah.

Yeah.

This is weird, but it's not sexualized.

There's no fetish part of it.

He just wants to be a dog.

So cute.

That's so crazy.

Somebody likes eating shit.

That is so crazy. He waves.
That's not real. That's not a dog.
Yeah. But for real, I mean, that's not real.
Yeah. There's a human being in a costume.
Oh, no, no. That's him for life.
That's him. He never gets out of that? Can't.
It's permanent. That's not true.
You said he goes to work. Huh? You said he goes to work without the...
As a dog. Oh, he shows up with a suit? He works at PetSmart.
Yeah, he just... Oh, at PetSmart.
Yeah. Walks around, right.
By the way, a dog in a suit, so cute. Yeah.
And he meets other dogs. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? into, am I a human version of an animal or do I? It's like this. You have to transform into something else.
I know. My point is that if I say cricket, will I go this small? You'd have to.
Okay. Duh.
Okay. Duh.
You still have my mind? Yeah. The laws of the universe exist.
This guy still is this guy still is this guy whoever that guy is yeah right so if i ever i think i would probably and this is let me say it on the count of three let's say one two three sea otter oh sea otter for sure for me for you really you look like a sea otter already i was gonna. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop, stop, stop.

Well, mine was real.

Why dragon?

Why dragon?

Dragon's not even real.

There is no real dragon.

Because sometimes like when you're mad,

you'll be like,

you just woke the dragon.

Tell me that's not you.

That's 100% you.

Oh, that's me.

Yeah, that's right.

Look at you floating on your back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's you.

That's true.

You're a sea otter.

Let's make,

let's get you a sea otter costume.

Pete, spend 15 grand on a sea otter costume for Bobby, please, immediately. You got it.
I would be an orangutan. I'm closer to monkey than you.
I don't know orangutan for you, man. They're vulnerable.
They're annoying. Look at that.
That's 100% me. Oh, yeah.
That's true. That is true, you.
I mean, I can- But we can never see each other. Why? That's what's sad about it.
You think orangutans and sea otters can't be homies? Yeah, I'm in a fucking lake. You're in a jungle.
You think there's no lakes and jungles? That's insane. There's rivers and jungles.
The Amazon River goes through the jungle. Okay.
Just float down the river, dog, and come say hi. What about this then? Yeah.
You move to the forest. Oh, I have to move.
Yeah, because I'm not moving to the jungle oh my random river so funny i of course there's crocodiles just like this show i have to move to fit your needs oh that's not fucking bullshit the thing is that you don't have as many predators as i do true i'm protecting you nothing's gonna hurt that fat fuck orangutan is gonna protect me when they look at me that's me protecting you That's you and all. That's you and your buddies.
That's you and everyone that lives in your house at any given time. Okay, that's right.
That's true. I mean, honestly.
I'll go to the fucking. Thank you.
I'll go to the. What would.
What would Jesse be? Can I ask you something first? Yeah. If I was a clam, would you eat me or would you be my friend? Oh, if you were a clam.
If you were a clam? Yeah, yeah. And you found me and you were like about to eat me, but I was like, whoa, Bobby, it's me.
I'm a clam now. I wouldn't eat you.
I would eat everything around you, though. Your family, everything.
I gotta tell you, in the middle of the night, as an orangutan, I would eat her. Oh, you would lose, you would lose.
Yeah, look, there's you right there talking to her. Oh, right.
I just would eat, I would just. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel like I would eat her on accident.

Yeah, yeah.

That's me complaining.

Like, you couldn't fucking pick something with legs?

I had to carry her on every fucking word?

That's kind of.

Jesse, that's me.

It's kind of true now.

Can I tell you?

Can we make an animated version of us where you play a sea otter, she's the clam, and

I'm the orangutan that will all live in harmony?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would love that.

That's amazing.

And then you're like, why can't you carry her? Look at how big you are. I know.
And I'm like, I've got too much fun, man. I'm tired.
Yeah. Plus, I've been throwing poop all day.
My hands are filthy. Yeah.
They just throw poop. You know that orangutan? All right.
Throw poop all the time. And I'd be so mad at you because it's like you purposely pick something that's going to be in my area.
Yeah. I know.
But I would. I know it's very similar to real life, but- Look at that.
That is me. That is totally you.
That's 100% me. Yeah.
Where? Right there hanging from the rope. Hanging right there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is you. That is you, for sure.
Look at them eating and smoking. That's me.
I like all this. Yeah.
Look at that. Oh, yeah, yeah.
What is Carlos? A bald eagle. Yeah, a bald eagle.
Yeah, he's a bald eagle. No, they're symbolic for freedom.
Just type in really bald eagle. Is there an actually bald bald eagle? Has there ever been a bald bald eagle? There he is! There you are, Carlos! You're right, a really bald eagle eagle.
There you are, bud. That's 100% Carlos.
That is so fucking funny. That's actually Carlos.
A really bald eagle. Straight you are, bud.
That's 100% Carlos. Yeah.
That is so fucking funny.

That's so funny.

That's actually Carlos.

Yeah.

A really bald eagle.

Straight from a glory hole.

But he stuck his head in.

Yeah.

Look at his beak.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He got ripped in that hook.

By the way, in this animated series,

he is called a really bald eagle.

The really bald eagle.

Morgan and Morgan.

Let me tell you something, bud.

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Who am I going to call? You got to call Morgan & Morgan, dude. I got to call Morgan & Morgan.
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For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash badfriends or dial poundlaw pound 529 from your cell phone. That's for the people.
F-O-R the people.com slash badfriends or poundlaw pound 529 from your cell there's a paid advertisement. Do you feel normal post getting sick? Do you feel like everything else is lined up fine? Well, last night I had some difficulties at the comedy store.
Why did went up last night yeah why because i felt like i canceled too much you were sick with covet no i wasn't no seven days ago i got it oh okay and also i never tested yeah i know this is a funny assumption he literally called me and i go hey did you test negative yet and he goes i didn't even test the first time wait so who knows yeah i was like well how the fuck did you think you had it i was sick you could have just said i was sick instead of saying i had covid it's more dramatic with it sure is with you yeah yeah you're such a drama guys i'm drama what happened last night at the comedy store i just kind of lost my way on stage mentally in the middle of your jokes yeah and then i remember like you know sometimes you know you're performing and in your head you're like you just make this realization like oh i'm not connecting with them at all the audience wasn't good then maybe maybe it wasn't maybe it wasn't but in my head i was like i i did something wrong and then started losing like how to say certain jokes and this and that really yeah i kind of lost I kind of lost my way up there. Yeah, a little bit.
And you feel like you got off and it felt weird. Yeah, and then I was, it was also fucking hot as fuck.
Oh, the AC's broken. Yeah, so I was like sweating.
And then I went to Dean Del Rey and I go, I gotta get out of here. And he goes, why buddy? And I go, I- Come on and stay.
I go, I go yeah I go I think I lost my way up there I just I'm feeling embarrassed about it so I got and then that fucking guy calls me who Dean? Dean WI 30 minutes later and I put it on speaker I go what's up and he goes the audience loved you buddy say something and the whole audience he did it on stage that's funny the whole crowd went right yeah i'm like you motherfucker you know what i mean but showing you love yeah i need help i think i think i've lost my way because i am having memory loss well maybe what else don't you remember could i ask you some questions then please am i still dating kalilah look at me in the face right now yeah kalilah died a couple years ago buddy i hate to do this and i don to do this. I hate to say this on the show because it's fucked up.
We've already gone through this, but Kalilah was, it was an accident. She was riding a massive wave.
What? She was riding a massive wave. I thought he's a dick.
I did not at all. It's sad, but funny because you make that joke every time we do this Every time we've done this We've talked about this before Every time we tell you about this it's like you make the same Dick joke And I should have changed it to she was riding a wave I should just say wave Don't say riding If I forget again She was surfing A dick a wave oh shit all right yeah yeah and what happened was is she didn't see that there was like a double break there was two barrels and two barrels intersected and there was someone else swimming underneath and she tried to get out of the way as fast as she could and okay he slipped and he fucked her to death in the ocean he fucked her i told you there was a dick well there was but you can't look that fast i knew there was a dick he fucked the shit out of her as they were barrel rolling and killed her because she couldn't get up for air he was fucking her while they were swirling okay he lived by the way i completely forgot about that um yeah she's gone what else is going on i was so am i I Is my brother okay He's really famous right now He's the most famous He's ever been It's insane He's selling out Fucking arenas right now Really good Yeah My brother Steve Steve is selling out arenas And because of all Your memory fog He actually They like replaced him And just like that He's in the new But he took over for you It It's good.
He's killing it. The same part? Yeah, same part.
Same name, same everything. Wow, wow.
And people, they don't care? He's up for two Emmys this year. Yeah, he's killing it.
He's actually really proud. Really ripping.
So happy for him. Yeah.
So happy for him. Well, he went over his speech with Jesse.
He gave her his speech because they do kind of tell you if you're going to win. He said he was going tomy and he said he's gonna thank you first oh cool but he's anyway i gotta go to the hospital now oh so you remember you have brain fog yeah yeah okay let's okay let's now we that's fun and games that was a nice 10 minute bit this is the best version of 50 first dates I've ever seen let me ask you so let me let me ask you something guy right did that what was the original thing oh no he still doesn't remember I don't fucking even remember I'm so fucking livid hey what is some of the weird thing did you eat did you order weird shit while you were sick did you eat a bunch of fucking crazy shit did you order stuff all day to the house? Well, I do.
Just my normal food runs.

You didn't get anything like obscure

because you were sick to make you feel good?

I mean, I went to...

Well, I can look at my...

I'll show where I went.

I want to hear your ordering history.

Because knowing that you like to eat out,

not being able to leave the house once...

What are you looking for, kiddo?

God damn, it's hitting him hard.

Oh no, we lost it.

This memory thing is really striking him

to a different degree.

Oh no.

The memory fog is scaring me a little bit.

What am I looking for?

Are you being serious right now?

Yeah what was I looking for?

Your car keys.

You were just looking for your car keys.

I don't know where they are.

Because the show is done you're going to go home.

We said thank you for being a bad friend.

Pete just said it.

Oh.

I'm sweating dude. What the fuck is is going on that was a funny episode though yeah it was good what the fuck is going on right now dude two hours is longer than we usually do my god yeah by the way best actually most boring M.
Night Shyamalan twist ever that would have been crazy yeah but anyway, but anyway, what did I order? Yeah, what'd you order? Let's go back to what I order. What'd you get? I went to Cohen.
Genghis Cohen. Love Genghis.
I thought they closed. No.
Still open, huh? Are they? Oh, no! No! Where did I go, dude? This is good. Holy fuck! Are they? Oh, no.
No. Dude.
Where did I go, dude? This is good. Holy fuck.
Are they? Do you imagine if we go down to Genghis Cohen and it's just, it's a ghost town down there? Yeah. Whoa.
That's like, it's completely empty. Yeah.
I would love it so much. That would, that I would have lost my mind.
Yeah. If I look, cause I look, I remember ordering it on my app.
Have you ever had that when you thought something was a thing and then it's not a thing and you can't believe it's not like Bernstein bears. Oh yeah.
Well that's what you call it. That's Mandela effect.
Mandela effect. When you think it's one thing but it's the other.
I'm talking about when you think a thing was there like you were just there the other day and it's gone. Whoa yeah.
That happened to me when I went back to the old neighborhood in West Hollywood. I was literally just there.
I remember driving by going to the store store. And then I drove by again in the restaurant that was there, gone.
And I was like, that can happen overnight. But it felt like it was packed the night before.
It was the weirdest feeling on earth. The chairs were gone.
The thing was down. Yeah.
The sign was up close. I still think Greenblatt's is open sometimes.
That fucks me up. I know.
Well, I miss it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes I think, I'm going to go to Greenblats. Is it open? And then I go, I don't think it is.
I don't know how long it's been closed. A while.
This city, everything fucking opens and closes right away. Speaking of which, I want to open up a restaurant.
I'm ready. If you want to invest, can I pitch it to you? Let's go.
Gyoza. Everybody loves gyoza.
Yeah. Right? Okay, check this out.
Well, can we just, can I do it with you or no? Yeah, but can I give you my pitch? But can I, you're pitching me to be a business partner? Mm-hmm. So I get to add my own? Of course.
Go ahead. Gyoza, right? Like it.
You get in line. As you're in line, you pick from three menus.
One, the kind of meat or meatless. Two, the flavoring.
And three, the sauce. Get ready.
I went to a place in Japan that did this. You pick the meat or meatless, the flavoring and three the sauce get ready i went to a place in japan that did this you pick the meat or meatless right that five kinds of meat it was like chicken pork beef dog carne a pig something else yeah yeah and then the second one was flavorings which was like um physical spices or sauce or physical like uh you know it'd be like peanut sauce or no no that sauce is his third second one was a dustings it was like dustings right it's a dust, you know, it'd be like...
A peanut sauce or... No, no, no.
That sauce is his third.

Second one was a dustings.

It was like dustings, right?

What's a dusting?

You know, like a curry powder, powders.

Like a powder.

Right.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, and the third one is sauces like that.

It would be like fish sauce or eel sauce

or soy sauce or whatever.

And so what you do is

they give you the fucking gyoza that you want.

Can I ask you another question though?

Listen.

Okay.

They give you the gyoza that you want.

They put the flavoring in a bag.

It's like powder.

And then you shake it up

Thank you. They give you the fucking gyoza that you want.
Can I ask you another question though? Listen. Okay.
They give you the gyoza that you want. They put the flavoring in a bag.
It's like powder. And then you shake it up.
And then you get the sauce on the side and you dip it in. You take it out of the bag that's shaken up.
So you create it right there. You go, I want this, this, that.
Whoa. And I did it in Japan and I was like, how come we don't do that here? Yeah.
And it's always to go. We don't have to worry about overhead.
Yeah. It doesn't have to worry about anybody sitting down and eating.

It's to go.

Everything is to go.

To cut costs though, since I'm your business partner.

Love this.

Get rid of the bags.

What are they?

How are they flavoring it?

We do it for them?

No.

Oh, we just give it to them in their hand.

Yes.

Okay.

And you could shake it like this.

I feel like it's not saving enough money, but I like it.

What do you mean?

How much is a fucking bag?

One, one 15th of a penny of a cent. bag so we'll save three dollars a day this guy's smart I should never question you again I'm good right so you have to wait and like this so you just go like this right and they put it in your hands yes and then you roll it around and just eat it right and do we pour the sauce in your mouth we don't even let them have sauce to go.
Exactly. Dude, you're so good, dude.
I like this. Right.
So you go and you put your hands out like this. Yeah.
Right. And they go pork, dog or chicken.
What was it? Pork. Yeah.
And the pork curry, pork, yellow curry with fish sauce. But you said there was dog option earlier.
It's always there. All right.
So, oh, it's like when you go to In-N-Out and you get animal style and out and you get that's animal style menu all right it's actually called animal style right animal style oh yeah animal we took that from them that's funny yeah so i go animal style they stick it in there then the powder yeah in your hand right yeah what do you want like you want like a green curry or red curry do you want uh cinnamon yeah do you want nutmeg do you want nutmeg okay they throw it in there right got it and then the guy behind the guy behind the fucking counter goes close your hand close your hand you close like this then you know what i mean shake shake shake right right open your mouth then we have a guy squirt your mouth right yeah then you eat it Perfect. Do we have to have a sink for them to wash their hands? No.
Just a bucket. What about a bucket of rainwater they can just dunk their hands in and walk out? Just a bucket.
No, something better. Here's another catch.
All right. At the door, there's a hand.
Just a guy's hand. No.
No. You know how sometimes in baseball games or football games,

they have that gigantic hand?

Oh, right.

The high five hand. High five hand.

We have one like.

A foam hand.

A foam hand.

And you high five.

And that wipes it clean.

It cleans your hands.

I like this.

Two hands.

You go hype.

You know what I mean?

Hype.

Hype.

Hype.

Hype.

Hype.

Hype, right?

And you leave.

By the way, can the restaurant be called high five?

Hype.

Hype.

Hype.

Hype.

What do you guys think? We lose.kins no napkins right no plastic bags nothing wasteful we're saving waste wasteful right we're saving the environment so that's exactly what we're doing it's a really good idea yeah yeah we should open up a restaurant you really do i 100% would do this can i say something about david uh david uh The pizza place. I finally went there.
What do you mean? Is it good? I went there too. Is it good? Let me see here your opinion first.
Okay. I thought it was good except it's way too much Parmesan.
Oh man, I love Parmesan. The crust is like Parmesan crisp.
I really like Parmesan. That's a tough selfie.
Here, it was too much dough, not enough to red sauce. Well, it's called dobrik's pizza i mean the whole thing i know i know i just it was i mean it's huge like a cake really the bread let's do bad friends pizza then you think so we could go open it next to his how fun would that just take over saddle ran have a fucking war dude keep the bowl though yeah actually the bowl is how you shake up our gyoza i think gyoza is perfect because it represents you and me so we do use a high vibe there high vibe we do a high vibe next to dobrook 100 i'm so down to do this okay do it where the old cigarette store used to be yeah okay um dude by the way since we talked last time about that i got an in-home massage again okay and i asked her if i could get naked this time because we talked about this before yes and i said hey do you hate it when clients get naked and she goes what no oh you could get naked what do you mean of course she goes it's privacy it's privacy yeah yeah she goes no no no that's not unusual i said oh my was she attractive um you know i think about her in a professional sense not Not in that sense oh no no she's no no she but nine or ten no jokes no all jokes aside she is a she is a uh yeah i mean in the sense of like i'm not attracted to her but she's an attractive woman that's what i heard but i get i mean i'm very much not attracted to her i don't want to be i'm not trying to be mean here's i'm not attracted to her i know you though i know you well i do not know you yeah sure right you know me right yeah yeah so let me ask you something the theory is flawed i get naked for i get naked for anybody who massages me but just hear me it doesn't mean like i pick pick who I get.
I get naked for a massage. I like it.
I feel comfortable. This particular one though isn't offended because she's not attractive.
Honestly, I get naked for every massage. I don't discriminate.
I don't care. They say dress to your comfort level.
My comfort level is naked. What about like a foot massage? I still get naked.
That's crazy. Well, it's a massage.
When I get a manicure, when I get a mani-ped pedi I sit in that chair butt naked with my dick out and my balls out can you imagine I just get a I go for a mani pedi and I'm just sitting there with my cock out one girl on my hand one girl rubbing my feet and she's saying to the other girl yeah yeah why his dick so small yeah yeah if I was a massager yeah masseuse a masseuse gay guy why do you why why that's who i am oh you would i am yes i'm like hi hey get naked you got it and you wouldn't have a problem why would i care you're a professional masseuse it's your job to be professional i assume you're going to stay professional in this professional place that we're in okay so you're on the chair yeah your face is in the donut hole you start eating my ass yeah what would you do i'm not snitching you you literally wouldn't say anything of course i would say something what would you say down to the left yeah he'd say oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah you wouldn't go i'd go is it taint is it taint is taint an add- that included? So you wouldn't be offended. So if anyone touched you in a sexual way, you wouldn't say anything.
Well, no, I would say something. But you wouldn't press charges.
I don't think I would press charges. I wouldn't press charges either.
Well, unless it was like, look, if it was an accident, but if she started like, if a masseuse like grabbed my dick. Yeah.
I would just be like, I wouldn't press charge.

But I'd be like, hey, hey, come on.

I don't want that.

But you would still continue with the massage.

Well, yeah.

I want my back done.

My back hurts.

My fucking back hurts.

I mean, okay.

So if you got a massage and someone grabbed your genitals.

Yeah.

Right.

Make up a word.

Huh?

You stumbled.

You were like, grabbed your.

Langola.

Your Langola.

Okay.

Yeah.

Somebody grabbed your Langola.

Somebody grabbed your Langola.

Okay.

Langola.

Right.

And.

It is long.

And you go, stop.

Would you finish the massage?

Or would you press charge?

We'll be right back. Langola Your Langola Okay yeah Somebody grab your Langola Somebody grab your Langola Langola Right

And

It is long

And you go stop

Would you finish the massage

Or would you press charge

What would you do

Be real

If it's a guy

If it's a guy

It's obviously sexual assault

If it's a girl

If it's a girl

I'm getting off

See

Really

See

She's gonna get off

And then I'll get the rest of the massage

But even me as a guy

Even if it was a guy or a girl

And they touched my genitals

I wouldn't press charges

And I probably would finish the massage

If a guy grabbed your dick aggressively

I'm like... Yeah, there you are.
You're resting. Am I on my back? Of course.
No, you're on your stomach and he's grabbing your dick.

Oh, so on my stomach.

And threw up like a tail?

No, your cock is sideways.

Yeah, you're laying on it.

He's pulling it from the side.

All right, so I'm laying down like this, right?

Okay, so I'm laying down like this, right?

Yeah.

Reaches under.

Right.

Where's his hands at?

Whoa. Right? I would be like, sir sir please don't let go please don't let go he's like yeah is my tip going to be good it's going to be a great tip gently put it down there you go thank you because he went pop now hit those shoulders baby yeah so what I would do is i would like don't stretch my dick again right right that hurt a lot um i've never gone to one of those massage parlors i have no interest in them no i've never either i've never been to a happy ending carlos i know carlos has three thousand times three thousand times i'll tell you why i don't like it why well amongst amongst the obvious reasons but remember i i've never been to a masseuse only the milking table and escorts oh yeah okay sorry he's fucking sorry about that yeah just wanted to yeah thanks for the clarification you're right and we're wrong actually we're wrong and i'm sorry i don't know i've never been grazed.
I've never been touched inappropriately. I've gotten semi-hard once and I was a little embarrassed.
By who? Who? I was getting massaged and my wiener got a little hard because I was fading in and out of sleep and I kind of was having, you know what I mean? Right. Was it male or female masseuse? It was a guy.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
Amazing. And he was like, he's like, oh, you little hard there he said that he said that out loud and i said little hard i'm full oh and he said right we call those little hearts ah yeah he bullied me he bullied you and then my dick went soft right away so he bullied me no i didn't get hard it was a it was it was a uh it was a female masseuse actually and i started like get worried about it oh i see like i was on my stomach thank god i wasn't on my back and i was like oh my god why am i i was like don't stop yeah cut it out but i asked one time a friend who's a massage therapist and she said it happens it happens yeah yeah it will just get hard there's not what can you do that girl from the sam tripoli shows she you know she does massages in the back yeah dude.
Dude, she's good. Joy Eileen.
Joy, yeah. She's really good.
Yeah, she's very good. My right shoulder hurt so bad before a show and she did something, but it really helped.
How hard did you get? My shoulder? No, did you get an erection? No, I didn't. Oh, I don't know.
They do say it happens, though. I was embarrassed, but they do say it happens, so it made me feel like, oh, okay, this isn't like the first time.
I feel like because you guys can't control your boners, right? I can. Oh, the way you suck on like you're a bastard.
I would argue you have less control now than ever. I have complete control.
Get a boner right now. There's no way I could.
Right now. Okay.
Ready? Can I play with myself? No, no, no. Please, God, no.
Not no please god no i can't do it spontaneously yeah like crying it's like no that's like crying right i can i can i can do it accidentally you still get accidental boners at night when i'm asleep four in the morning sometimes i'll be like why do i why am i erect right now well yeah yeah yeah but I mean you won't get a boner out of nowhere I wasn't thinking about a woman you're not going to be at Jersey Mike's and get hard yeah no although that is a good sandwich it's so funny I just went there today I know you did I can smell it on you you smell like Jersey Mike's it's a very obvious smell Jersey Mike's insane. Did you get it Mike's way? I didn't because my friend told me, you never get Mike's way delivered.
And I go, why? Because the- Oil and vinegar soggies it up. Soggies it up.
That makes perfect sense. It depends on how long the distance is.
So I did it once. I go, I, because we had an argument about it.
And I go, you're fucking wrong, man. Those fucking buns and that bread is tough.
She's right, she she was fucking right as fuck bro the bottom was uneat edible soggy boggy so i today i got two sandwiches no oil and vinegar why just in case you got two or you ate both no i saved one for my night munchies cutie pie i always have something in the fucking chamber Just in case either chili or something or yogurt and granola yeah chili and yogurt and at the same time oatmeal sometimes that's a healthy snack i'd like to see that more at night yeah so sometimes i'll either do chili steel cut oatmeal or um every once in a while a pot pie bad't admit it. Let's guess what Liz's late night snack is.

What do you think she wakes up in the middle of the night and eats?

I know.

Chocolate covered crickets.

I was not thinking.

Insects, chocolate covered insects.

Look at her.

No.

I was thinking like ants or something.

Oh, chocolate covered ants?

I was going more like tofu.

Chocolate covered tofu?

No, just tofu in general.

Who the fuck is eating

anything non-sweet

in the middle of the night?

I'm eating sweets

when I'm waking up

in the middle of the night.

Really?

I want sweets.

I don't want like a fucking meal.

I do.

I want like a French dip.

Yeah, there we go.

There we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, you keep on that train, dude.

You're going to fucking...

I know.

But I haven't had breakfast in years.

Well, because you miss it.

You've slept through it.

I miss it.

You can't wake up at two. I miss breakfast.
You and that's a very that's double layered you miss it because you miss it oh wow oh right yeah yeah i miss it because i miss it yeah i never miss breakfast i love breakfast it's my favorite meal yeah you could get i haven't eaten lunch don't care yeah just like a you know the baked bean thing that you told me about oh my god love it so much you never cook yourself you never cook yourself see she has an asian accent oh it is in arizona yeah yeah what so uh you heard the question yeah i can't um you can cook i feel like you would love cooking you love food so much yeah i don't like cleaning though oh god that's why i Like I have three juicers, but I haven't used any of them in years. Hey, you got four juicers.
It's pretty good. It's pretty good.
But cleaning those things is a nightmare. Just throw them out.
Get a new one. I just keep throwing them out.
Buy one, throw it out. Wow.
Yeah, yeah yeah but have you ever tried to clean one of those it's just like just the carrot carcass i have our blender i don't even like the fuck i have one of those uh what are they uh the nutribullet no no no the the the one that like cuts through fucking like humans i thought that was a nutribullet uh will it blend you know that show will it blend oh yeah what's will it blend what are the what are those those called what's the name of the blender we have that blender Blendtec we have one of those it's like crazy strong you could fucking have you ever seen this guy whoa this guy's funny he's like iPad will it blend he'll like throw a fucking iPad in there watch this oh so he has the best blender pretty good blender look at that you that. Do you have that blender? Yeah.
Turns it into dust. That was one tough pad.
How do I know that that's McCone's uncle? You know what I mean? How do I know that that's McCone's? I gotta get one of those. Blendtec, dude.
You can blend anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You gotta rinse it immediately. You do have to rinse it out right away.
I just put it right in the sink with hot, soapy water. I buy one today buy one today because i want to blend i got kava what no not kava what um i don't know what you're trying to say i'm i'm gonna try to get there let's try yeah yeah um kava no kava yeah it's a it's like it's the new yeah it's the new but um let me see if i'm gonna get there he has no idea it's a powder yes yeah what's it got it's like the Polynesians Or the Islanders drink it It's like their alcohol It's powder No no it's not that That's not what I'm talking about What's the brand called I was like Did we find out You're not sober anymore No no no It's not a Polynesian It's called vodka No no no Anyway it's like a it's like a meal powdered pack.

It's like a meal in one.

Right.

But I've been trying to like,

because I'm going to lose weight.

So I've been using like just tap water and the powder.

And it just clumps into these balls.

It tastes terrible.

You got to eat those balls, baby.

So let me ask you something.

If I get a blender.

It'll break it up.

Yeah, but what do I put in it?

So I put powder. How about some ice? Ice ice maybe a little vanilla flavoring or peanut butter maybe or frozen blueberries for be a blueberries banana i can put bananas in it um peanut butter ice what else is good vanilla ice cream maybe a splash of some kind of dairy product like milk or or okay okay so you think that'll work i mean it'll help smooth it out for sure yeah that's how this is make a smoothie, bud.
Are we teaching you how to make a smoothie? Yeah, that's what I'm going to make. That's literally what the ingredients are.
Okay, I didn't know. You're going to be our smoothie king or just go to Smoothie King.
You can get it there. That's better.
I know. This is the point.
If you got the monies, there's places out here that make them so good. There's so many good smoothie joints.
Yeah. Well, I'm excited.
The reason I brought up Austin is I'm excited I'm going to play Joe's Club for the first time. That's great.
I am excited to go down there and see the club. Yeah, they asked me.
I said, I'll do it next year. Why'd you say you want to take a year? Not ready? Yeah, I want to do it next year.
We've been on the road a lot. We're going to go back in the fall.
I know. It's going to be exciting.
And then. What? Vegas maybe.

Vegas maybe.

And on top of that.

And the next city.

We got offered to go do Europe.

No.

Yeah, we did.

London.

Yeah, I got hit up with Australia.

Should we do that too or no?

I think we should do everything.

And then she's nodding like she's going to get to go.

We're going to have to decide if you're going to.

You know.

What you did to him earlier is going to.

Yeah.

That's a problem.

I'm being real. I told you it affected me and you said you it didn't affect you that's true but it did it affected me yeah it affected us i know it affected us i know i think we're going so good yeah yeah so who do we bring you know ally mac ally makovsky yeah we should Ally Mack on the road.
She's open for you guys before.

Yeah, she's great.

She'd be great.

She's really funny.

She's great.

You know what she doesn't do?

Very likable.

Deceive you.

And sabotage.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She lives in a... Very clear, you know.

I almost pulled a Bobby Lee the other day, by the way.

Which is what?

I almost bought a pair of shoes like you,

the way you do shoes.

Where?

A rip off, you know, your golden goose shoes. Yeah, where, your golden where where at the at bloomies why didn't you do it i just couldn't pull the trigger on something so silly how much was it they're like 600 bucks golden goose yeah but you wanted them there was a pair like them it wasn't golden goose i don't know the brand yeah but i looked at them and i laughed why you should you should treat yourself to a pair that's great why i bought a beanbag for 900 it's coming tomorrow like a love sack i don't know what it is i saw it on you at instagram you bought a thousand dollar beanbag on instagram do you sit in it i don't know what it does but it's like it's cute so it's a salmon yeah so an instagram ad got you and was like it gets me every time dude i have all kinds of stuff this guy looks like a beanbag he'll buy it yeah yeah you'll you're gonna buy you're gonna buy a beanbag i already did wow yeah are you buying all sorts of shit from instagram yeah really a lot what else i get um a lot of like clothes for sure they've got you then they're really humming is most of your instagram then ads is it a lot of ads? It sure.
They've got you then. They're really humming.

Is most of your Instagram then ads?

Is it a lot of ads?

It's mostly ads.

Do you have ads?

Oh, yeah.

I have like almost no ads.

Once in a while, I'll get an ad.

They have great products on Instagram and they cater to you.

I know.

Yeah.

It just makes me uncomfortable that I'm supporting the fucking the chaos.

I know, but it's like you like let them in your house. I know, but you have Imogene and Willie.
Is it great for t-shirts? Imogene and Willie? Yeah. I've never heard of them.
Oh, this one. This is Imogene and Willie.
It is. It's on.
It's got to be on there. It is on there.
My point is that I'll buy this. They got you.
And the more we talk about it, the more I'm going to get an ad for it on my phone now, too. I want you.
Yeah, now I'm going to get one. So that Aviator Nation and probably Maidworn are the t-shirts.
So those are the ads that pop up when you buy them. Yeah.
Ugh. Yeah.
And then furniture now. And you're buying, yeah, beanbag.
Start with beanbag. You'll be doing beds and shit in no time.
Is Willie Nelson still alive? Yes. Yeah.
He is? He just had his birthday party at the Hollywood Bowl.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

Why didn't we go?

He's 90.

He's 90 years old.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Would you smoke?

I would let you crack your sobriety

if we got invited to hang out

with Willie Nelson.

I'd let you smoke a joint with him.

But I'd have to take you home

afterwards and stay with you.

No, I would do shrooms with him too.

No.

Yeah, yeah. Let's do the whole thing.
He's like, I would do a Coke yeah yeah if you're gonna give me one night with with him you gotta let me do everything can you imagine we go backstage with willie nelson he's drinking like a la croix he's like i don't want to smoke man yeah he just wants his night off do you ever think snoop just wants a day off when someone's like yo the smoke this blunt you ever think he's like don't want to get high right now. Yeah.
I've been doing this way too much for too long. I'm tired.
Yeah. I'd like to not get stoned.
No. You think he's down all the time? Yeah.
That's, see, to me. He'll die if he stops.
Right. Like when the alcoholics get the shakes and stuff.
Like I saw a guy last night, we went bowling the other night and a guy got out of his car and it was like a plume of weed smoke. And then like a little girl, you know, there was a group of people and the little girl was like, uncle.
And she started running up to him. He's like, hey, baby girl.
And he picked her up and he was just like, I mean, like she got stoned. She was like enshrouded in fucking weed.
And I remember being a guy who always smoked weed going to places. Yeah.
i just i thought i don't miss that anymore because the anxiety of showing up really fucking high just does not appeal to me anymore i don't want to show up to like an event ripped out of my head i used to fucking love it because i could disappear yeah but now i'm like oh i'd be thinking about too much also because we're a little bit known people are staring at you're pretty healthy though in terms of you're very moderate everything's in moderation with you i try i mean i know you know i i look at you you're very healthy i try you exercise we're on the road you're always like i'm i did a hike or you know i lift you know why you know why because i'm not as blessed as you when it comes to you can you're 52 yeah 51 you barely exercise and you're alive if i did your lifestyle you would be alive too i'd be dead no you'd be alive too i would be fucking 500 pounds if i lived your life if i ate a sandwich at midnight your little midnight snack if i had a fucking jersey mike's at midnight yeah i'd be fucking 800 pounds because i would do it all the time oh i'd be it's like there wouldn't be a night throughout the week i didn't like a pint of ice cream i'd laugh at i'd get the gallon and i'd smoke it yeah i don't do ice cream anymore yeah this is my point i can't once i go down that path it's over okay chalk i can't even if i buy a bag of chocolates i'm eating the whole fucking thing yeah i'm not why would i stop peanut butter cookies is what i eat at night too i would wreck a bag okay do you eat the whole thing yeah yeah see what i mean i'd be dead i'd be fat and dead if i was you I drink almond milk it's great drink it with almond milk yeah so good does that regulate the does that curb your fat you think yeah man yeah you know but I think I'm gaining a lot of weight you're not you don't think I am no you look the same thank you Liz what do you think how does he look I think he look great thank you Liz That's some fucking Crocker shit Liz stop I think he look great You look great too Liz You're glowing today You're glower You're glower I've been watching Cold cases though And you know what Bones me about cold cases Sometimes they Like Because of DNA now They'll catch some guy Some guy that's 85 They'll show up to their house and go, you know, in 1968, you know what I mean, you left this little sperm, you know what I mean, sperm inside this lady. Yeah.
And now we got you. And the 85ers are like, all right.
I have a year left. Who gives a fuck? He's done.
There's no satisfaction. He's going to die on the way to the...
Yeah. He doesn't give a fuck.
What would you rather them happen? Have it to do the DNA in the 60s. Technology.
Oh, so go back in time and get better technology? Get better technology back in time. That makes sense.
My point is it's not fair, man. It'd be fun if they just killed him on the spot.
Right. Right.
It's like the cold case Grim Reaper. Oh, that's sick.
What if they did that? What if they did this? Here's your sperm back. They gave it back.
Yeah. Thank you.
He sticks it back in his dick. I just think if you committed a crime 40 years ago.
Oh, I have an idea. You committed a crime 40 years ago.
They find your sperm. They take, you're 80 now, the guy who committed the crime.
Yeah. Take the sperm.
You clone it. You get their son and then you put their son in jail for life.
This is a mirror episode that's interesting whoa that's a black mirror but that's such a good episode the son didn't do it he's paying for the crimes of his father so they're saying would you care listen they're saying be good in this life because you're affecting others lives it's metaphor for how you treat everybody in the current life. Your life now can affect others.
Butterfly effect.

You can place your son in jail by being a criminal.

But my point is... I loved it.

But Andrew, check this out. But I still like mine when they committed a crime, they show up to you and they shoot you right in the head.

Yeah, that too. That one's fun.
I give back

the sperm. That's my thing.
Yeah, that's you.

But check this out.

What? You lost us in the 60s. We found

inside a vagina.

Oh, thank you. I was looking for that.
How is she? But yeah, those cold cases are wild, you know? Well, it's insane that they can go that dark. I mean, dude, look at you speaking in the most notorious cold case.
They just found more evidence for Tupac. Did you see all that shit? What do you mean? What do you mean? Among the items stopped by an investigator computer laptops, articles about Tupac and his death.
Ev evidence case is now being presented to las vegas grand jury no charges have been filed investigation is expected to continue for weeks to months they found a bunch of new evidence from the tupac case they who killed him today yeah wow home search tupac and tupac murder in vegas police searched a home in the las vegas area on monday night in a long dormant murder case of hip-hop legend tupac Shakur. So they found a bunch of shit that might tip them off to maybe finding some more shit out.
But apparently the guy that killed Tupac's dead, right? Isn't he dead? Didn't they say that? I thought he died. He was shot though, right? No, they kissed him to death.
And he was like, I with that guy's shit. And then he was like a mob.
It's a crazy mob. Wow, I've rid of those.
To this day, Tupac Shakur's killer remains a killer remains a mystery ah suspect would never call I thought for some reason they said they did anyway look yeah they've got all this new evidence for this guy and that's the oh that case is what 30 years ago now yeah he died in 97 or 8 yeah almost that's crazy man so crazy dude honestly if somebody killed me how long would you search for the murderer? Honestly. Bobby.
How much time would you spend? What do you mean spend? No, no, no. I want to be clear.
Oh, my fucking God. What do you mean by spend? You know what I fucking mean by spend.
No, because here's, will I be thinking about it? Thinking about it? All the time. I think about my dead grandmother.
That's not what I'm talking about. So I've been watching all these cold cases.
Yeah. Right? And what happens is there's always somebody to keep it alive.
A warm case. Right, to keep it a warm case, right? So you need somebody to call every once in a while to please and go, what's the new evidence? What are you guys doing? Would you do that for me? I'll have Melanie do it.
Your fucking assistant? Yes. She can't even book you a flight at the right time.
I understand that. That woman fucks up everything.
But every once in a while, I'll call Melanie and go, so what's up with that? What's his name again? Andrew. Don't forget.
No, I won't. I'll go, you know, the Andrew thing.
She's like, yeah, I emailed him six months ago. By the by the way she didn't even you know she forgets the email that's all that's all a lie no how long would i in her in her you know i would go all the way dude i like melanie i'm just kidding i would get um it would consume me i mean that would i would quit comedy to find my killer oh yeah my whole life would be that here's our other this place right here yeah would be just like one of those fucking beautiful mind offices with like lines connecting and me trying to figure out will you be there oh yeah I'd quit comedy we'd be like disgruntled who do you think did it out of our crew because it's always someone from the inside isn't it though right don't they find out like the number one it's always someone from the inside who did it who did it who done it doc doc did it you killed you did i'm sorry man but that joke you did yeah you can't be having that yeah yeah wow yeah dude i died who killed me doc yeah you're actually doc i am doc yeah yeah i for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I genuinely think mine is Bryce.
And this is inside baseball, but I think Bryce would, yeah. He's quiet.
He's quiet. Right, Bryce for sure.
Unassuming. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the way, Carlos was there smoking a cigarette, watched it happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's like, oh man, that's fucked up. You know what I mean? That's all he would do.
Look at that. Hey, I killed Andrew Santino.
Fucking murder. How obviously does that guy kill me? He obviously kills me.
Yeah. Sometimes when he talks to me, I think he might think about, he's thinking about killing me when he speaks to me.
The least believable person killed me is I think Pete would kill me. Because that's the last person people would think.
Well, it's great because yeah, no one would think so. Yeah.
Yeah. But why did you kill me, Pete? Yeah.
Why, Pete? Well, sometimes I get a little frustrated. With what? You know, in the heat of the moment.
Yeah. You know, and maybe stab you 20 times and then black out and go, oh, what happened? Thought about it.
He's thought about it. He's thought about it.
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, he's thought about it.
That's a scenario. That's 100% he's thought about it.
That's 100% he's thought about it. Because remember The Force Awakens? Yeah.
Right? Remember the Porgs? Yeah. Yougs yeah you remember the porgs right what was that other creature that's a liquid milk is that is that pete that's pete's body wow i'll tell you who would actually because i've wanted to milk your tits before i'll tell you who would actually kill everybody go go room.
Go find the guy. Get him milking.

What?

There's Pete.

That's Pete's body.

That's why he's going to kill me. Yeah, that's Pete's body.

That's how I sit, too.

Is that you on vacation?

Yeah, yeah.

There he is.

How funny would it be to post that on your Instagram and just be like, hey, made it to

Italy.

Just chilling on the beach.

Look at him.

Look at Pete.

All right.

So check it out.

Maybe we'll go to Europe in the new year.

Maybe we'll go to Australia.

Maybe we have a Vegas friend come.

We have all sorts of fun stuff that we're trying to come up with.

Yeah.

But we'll see, baby.

This will be great.

Hey.

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Even more than that. I love you.
I am going to Thank you for being a pet friend. Even more than that.

I love you.

I am going to miss you when I move to Austin.

You're not moving there.

Do you want to come with me when I go visit?

No.

All right.

Are you going?

Anyway.

Thank you for being a pet friend.