Two Nuts in Cohoots

Hey, y'all! We're launching a Patreon! That's right! Patreon.com slash BadFriends. And you get more than more.
You get more than more. Not only do you get the episode on Friday instead of Monday, you get it Friday.
Ad free! Ad free! So you get the episode ad free on Friday instead of on Monday, and you get extras! Bonus content! And, you know, weird stuff. Like this! The Bad Friends court is now in session.
Honorable judge Bobby Lee and honorable judge Andrew Santino presided. Let's hear it Here here here here.
Daniel Ortiz versus his brother. He wants to take his brother to court because of dog support We need a better we need a better read Mama Mia claims that Tony Sertoria employees broke into her restaurant and stole her secret recipe for the legendary perfect pizza.
Whoa. Pizza gate! Pizza gate! We know the secret sauce on the count of three.
One, two, three. Hello? Hello? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. There we go.
I got speaker. Hello? Alex! You're over to the bad friends! Hola, que tal? You have to press one.
Yo, what's up, man? What's up, dude? You're over the bad friends

you have to press 1

what's up dude you're on

he's too cool

next

how thick is it

how thick is it? How thick is it? Nobody cares. My fiance's going to be so jealous.
He's at work right now. She has a fiance.
Hang on. She has a fiance.
Hang on. Hey, what's up, you dork? Where does he work at? The Deuce Factory.
I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I love you guys so much.
Who do you like more? We love you, and I hope you don't get deported anytime soon. Goodbye.
So. So.
Patreon.com slash bad friends. What is it, Bob? Patreon.com slash bad friends.
You gotta do it. The link is in the description below.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Here we go.
Here we go. I didn't like that beginning.
Well, we should say that- Let's not even talk about movies. We should say we're missing one of our favorite people here because he's back in España and we're sending all of our love to Fancy B.
Thank you. Thank you, Fancy B.
We love you. We miss you.
I mean, miss you. I said thank you.
That was ridiculous. No, no.
Thank you is also nice. Thank you for being here.
He's not here, but... Bye, bye.
Yeah, bye.

Okay.

He's gone.

I love him.

I miss him.

But we have Carlos here who got a brand new car.

Yes.

Carlos got a brand new car.

Why?

Why don't you show it off?

Show it off to everybody.

I got a car accident.

New car, new puppy?

Yeah, and new apartment.

Is the puppy still alive and stuff?

It's at its foster.

I get him on the second.

This is the car.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He got a brand new Mercedes.

Oh, my God. Whoa.
That's insane. Damn, that tour paying you good.
Yeah, what the fuck? How much did we pay this guy? I did get it from a tour, and I thanked Andrew for it. He did, very graciously.
Yeah. A brand new C300 sedan, what color? Black? Black.
Yeah, I got it in black. Wow.
Honestly, how does he afford that? It's a down payment. We gave him 600 grand for the tour.
Oh my God. I think that's what we paid him.
We did? I wasn't there when we discussed that. No, but it's a good looking car.
Congrats. Because you got into a car accident.
You need a new car. Oh, I just don't know how you...
Why don't you go like Honda Civic? I mean, why that? Because it's sick. I know, but the thing is...
I need it. Because it's sick.
Because it's sick, dude. I'm going going to live in my car.
I understand that, but where do you work? Here with us. I'm here with you.
Yeah, I know, but my mind is like, because I kind of know what you're making here. I don't know why you would buy such an expensive car.
Well, actually, I'm getting money from the insurance for my other car. Okay, that's all I need to hear.
Okay, okay. And your rich dad.
Yeah, that's- Okay, good. But also from the insurance, look, his back hurts.
You know what I mean? Oh, that's what's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your spine is broke. I didn't get the car the day I went to the dealership because my dad still needs to do the co-signing and stuff.
Are you being real? Your dad's doing it? Yeah. He's co-signing.
He's co-signing. He can't get the lease on his own.
What's your credit score? Genuinely. You're like 260? Well, no.
It's like- It's below three. 260? It's got to be below three.
You've got to three you gotta be kidding no it's like 720 or something like whoa yeah really good wow that's good that's really good but for like a benzo you can't you you would have to put a lot of money for that you have to have really good credit for a ben what's your credit score do you know it's i surprised i think it's like 720 which is kind of embarrassing it's lower than carlos? I've been alive longer. I paid bills.
I just started establishing credit. Yeah, that's right.
We got you on credit now, finally. Yeah, it's fun.
I can look up my credit score right now on my Citi app. You guys want to see what it is? Let's hear what it is.
What's my FICO score? I know it's in the 800s. Bobby, what's going on with you? I just don't like this direction.
Okay, let's start over. 865.
Oh my god, you could get a boat.

Should we buy a boat?

I don't know. I don't know how

to even get a credit score.

You establish credit. How many

credit cards do you have? A bunch. I've always

had them. He probably has perfect credit.
Yeah, do you pay

him off every month? Oh yeah. Well then you're done.

You're good. You got great stuff.
I don't know how to get the actual

number. Google Bobby Lee credit score.

Wouldn't that be funny? Like net worth they put up what your credit score is. It just shifts publicly.
What is your net worth right now? Nothing. You pay your own bill.
What does it say? No. I can't imagine him, dude.
Dude, it's so funny. Six months ago, I was at 1 million.
Wow. 10 million is your net worth? Now I'm at 10 million? That's insane.
5-4. That's wrong.
I'm 5-3. All right.
5- three. What the fuck? Month? Wait, that's me?

It says you make a quarter million a month.

Wow.

That's pretty impressive.

What?

Wow.

Good for you, Bob.

I don't do.

That's amazing.

I don't make that at all.

Well, Steve Bennett says you do.

Yeah, Steve Bennett says it.

Well, look up Andrew on that.

Okay.

Look up Andrew on that.

This is how embarrassing this is.

Go ahead.

Go Andrews. You know what? They're going to go user not found.
No, you're on there for sure. Yes, I told you.
That was not impossible. I'm not famous.
Like Bobby's a famous comedian. Are you on in your mind? I know Bobby's famous.
Did that hurt? No. He got hurt.
Look, there's nothing on there. He got hurt.

I thought in your face.

You got hurt.

You got hurt that you weren't found.

No, I just told you.

I said yous are not found.

I thought in your face.

I don't know what that happened.

Where does it say it?

Smoke's coming out of you.

That was so sad.

Five million.

That was so sad you weren't found.

Yeah, you're five mil.

Oh, shit.

That's wrong, too.

I'm so sorry, dude.

No, I...

I'm so sorry, dude. No, you blew this up.
I really don't. I'm the one that called it out.
Oh, my God. That was so sad.
Why would I care? I saw your eye. I hope it's never found.
Ever. Ever.
Ever. Key takeaways.
He's blushing. Oh, God.
That was so funny. Anyway, let's move on.
Holy shit. You know know You're the greatest gaslighter I've ever seen in my entire life To make up something Out of absolutely nothing Yeah yeah yeah It's like I'm the best at it It's probably I'm the master of gaslighters It is a narcissistic skill That you possess I don't have narcissism Bob I don't have narcissism Bobby Yeah Bobby No I have empathy for things I cry every for things.
Excessive interest and admiration of oneself or one's physical appearance. I don't.
Now, the second half, no. The latter part, no.
But admiration of oneself. No, you know that I feel like I'm a piece of shit.
I don't deserve anything. That's not true.
Oh, I do. That's not true.
That's my whole thing. It's like, I bombed, I suck.
But knowing it's your thing makes it not your thing then. All I hear is I, I, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me their dog to watch them suffer.
Oh my God. No, no, that's different.
That's animal abuse. That's not narcissism.
No, that's what narcissists do though. No, narcissists.
They would like to see things suffer. No, no, no.
That's schadenfreude. Yeah.
What's schadenfreude? Schadenfreude is getting enjoyment from other people's pain. That's schadenfreude.
But that's still a part of- Masochism is the enjoyment. But that's still a personality a personality trait within narcissists i don't think so these are two separate things because narcissism is just self-involved masochism refers to the enjoyment of experience pain while sadism refers to the enjoyment of inflicting pain so sadists like watching other things suffer yeah masochists like i mean what i mean if i was a narcissist why would i go on a darkness retreat let's let's let's let's get you on that darkness retreat baby so it's like you know why why would I go on a darkness retreat? Let's get you on that darkness retreat, baby.
So it's like, you know, why would I do that? Because it's all about you. No, it's because I'm in pain.
I want to use. Yeah.
Because I hate myself. No.
I really. You don't hate yourself.
Yeah, yeah. That's it.
So it's like, why would I have my, well, Melanie, what? What? What? What? You looked at Carlos. What did you just do? Just a friendship.
I, hello. What? What? What are you doing? I just saw you do something like this and then.
We didn't. What's going on here? What are you talking? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, let me ask you something.
What in God's name is going on here? What are you afraid of right now? I'm not afraid of anything I'm just saying You guys have sort of No, no, no There's no cahoots Communicating in your own language With your eyes There's no cahoots There's cahoots there There's no cahoots This is riddled with cahoots Something's going on This podcast right now Is riddled with cahoots And I want to get to the bottom of it Pete Yeah, make sure that's what I'm saying stop doing that what we didn't cut that out no we didn't say cut it out over the clip there's no clips there is no clips yeah Pete okay thank you anyway what I'm saying is look at it go get it get it Pete what are you gonna get oh my god something's happening no no nothing's happening nothing we is happening. Something is happening here.
Let me ask you something. I don't have...
What is going on? Dude, major cahoots. By the way, love the word cahoots.
I don't even know where it came from, but I love the word cahoots. But there's something going on, though.
There is no cahoots. Yeah, there is.
Look up cahoots. Where does that come from? Man, I love in cahoots colluding or conspiring that's exactly what it dude bro let me say something you've always been a colluder dude cahooter i've been cahooting my whole life no it's since 1829 southern and western american english of known origin perhaps the french cahoot cabin hoot cohort oh and from some cohort it's just redneck couldn't say cohort They're down there Kahoot Kahootin Kahootin down there Well you know they out there Oh it's Kahootin Rootin Tootin Rootin Tootin Kahootin Anyway I'm not So I'm going to this Darkness retreat I'm going to go in January Can I go with you? It's in New Hampshire You don't know what it is Yes i do it's when you spend it's been you spend five days in complete darkness yeah it's great and when i talked to a comic i said i was gonna go to a darkness retreat because you're going to baltimore and i go that's racist i said i'm not going to baltimore but my point is is this i'm gonna i'm gonna do it for five days i think that's gonna be good for you to find myself because, you know, I'm really sensitive.
Lately, are you feeling on edge? Yeah, I've been like, you know, some weird things online and I read things about myself and it really bums me out. Cut it out.
What? Stop reading shit about it. I know, I should stop.
It's hard not to. It's hard not to.
But then I, so the other day I was, I couldn't sleep because I had read some weird things about myself online. And then I called my girl, Melanie, and I go, get me a darkness retreat.

And so we booked it, cost thousands of dollars, but I'm going to do it.

How much?

It's like $1,000.

But then without the plane tickets and all that stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a whole thing. Well, I'm going on a retreat.

Where?

I'm going to Bora Bora.

What's so funny? You're going to the Four Seasons? No. Dude, that was a cahoots laugh, bro.
Yeah, what is going on? He said Bora Bora. You laughed.
That wasn't necessarily that funny. I know.
So what are you laughing about? That I already knew the story. There's something going on.
Right, right. He's coming with me.
To Bora Bora? Bora Bora. How come I can't go to Bora? Yeah, why? Just Carlos and I.
Two Boras only. Because I've been to Bora.
Yeah, look, Bora Bora. Oh.
It's not Bora Bora Bora. All right, so why can't we make it Bora Bora Bora? We can't.
Yeah, I want to go to Bora Bora. Let's do Bora Bora Bora.
I'm going there. I can't wait.
Show them what it looks like over the huts, over the water, you know? Well, not that image. Give me the fucking hut water image.
Oh my gosh, it's beautiful. Yeah, I'm going to be- One of those huts.
Yeah, one of those. No way.
Yeah, isn't that fucking wild? I hope a tsunami happens. Thank you.
Whoa, look at that one with the pool. Which one? Yeah, we got one with a pool, baby.
Are you kidding me? I'm not cool. Just put me in your suitcase.
Yeah, but imagine getting DoorDash, though. You can't.
Like, how do you get DoorDash there? No, no, they do. They still have DoorDash.
Yeah. Yeah, they do.
Really? No, they come in on little prop planes. Wow.
I'm going here. So I'm going here for my 40th birthday.
It was my birthday gift to myself. going? Your wife? Yeah And Carlos Yeah and Carlos My wife and Carlos Why? Because Carlos Why can't I go? I gotta take care of the dog He's gotta take care of the pup and stuff We need someone along for the ride And also You know I can't reach my back with sunscreen Sometimes she sleeps in And Carlos will do that Yeah Carlos also said he would cook our meals Clip my toenails Can you zoom into that red spot? That's where Bora Bora is? Yeah, it's way up.
Holy shit, dude. Middle of nowhere.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Isn't that scary? It's so scary. What are these other islands? Go down a little bit? Well, it's French Polynesia.
So there's Tahiti and all that stuff is down there. Oh, what's French Polynesia? The French and the Polynesians got together and they decided they'll split it.
Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I want to go there.
Is that cool? The French part is the northern part, the gay part, and the southern one is Polynesian. Oh.
I want to go to the south part then. I'm staying in the north.
Yeah, yeah, go to the north part. Damn, well, I want to do something.
Come on, dude, do something. You guys are doing your darkness retreat.
You're going to Bora Bora. I'm turning 40.
It's a big deal. Happy birthday.
Are you going in October? Thank you. Yeah, we are going in October.
Yeah. My birthday.
I always wanted to go here. I've dreamed about going here for years.
I'm going to get you something. Yeah, fucking.
No, this is different. Buy my plane ticket.
Okay. Got some Korean barbecue last night.
Did you go to the place I told you to go? Couldn't. It didn't take reservations.
We went to another place. Where would you go? I'll tell you, it was fucking phenomenal.
we went to another place where would you go uh i'll tell you it was fucking phenomenal we went over to uh dado oh dado yeah yeah dado yeah wow great you know what i love about these fucking koreans man you know what i fucking love about these here we go dude the way they take pride in cooking this meat that's right and they cook it And they cook it to perfect temperature. They don't ever overcook it.

And he cooked it and he goes, how do you want?

And I said, like medium rare.

That's okay.

He goes, anything okay.

You tell me.

And I said.

That's right.

Medium rare then.

And he goes, okay.

And then.

And then they pick it up and they cut it with scissors with literally like shearing scissors,

which I love. And he goes, and then he shows me, he goes, medium rare.
And I go scissors with literally like shearing scissors, which I love.

And he goes,

and then he shows me,

he goes,

medium rare.

And I go,

that's medium rare.

He goes,

I know.

And puts it down.

That's the best.

What are the best?

I kissed his hand.

He had his hand.

Yeah,

that's what you're supposed to do.

After he put it down,

I went,

thank you.

And he goes,

okay.

Walked away.

Really?

It was so good.

Korean barbecue is so fucking good.

And we had those little frittata pizzas

with sausage and,

what's it called with that special sauce? Ooh, what is it fucking good and we had those little frittata pizzas with sausage and uh what's it called with that special sauce oh what is it fucking called god damn it it was so good it's like a frittata pizza almost korean with sauce and sausage on it what man i wish i knew the name of it it looked like a frittata pizza anyway you went to fucking p fucking Pizzeria Uno. No.
Is that where I went?

Yeah, I think that's where you went.

Did I go to Pizza Hut?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, we don't have that.

No, it was.

It was really good.

It was almost like an egg frittata dish with the sauce. One time I was in Virginia, and some Korean dude calls up to me.

He goes, hey, bro, you know we have the best Korean food.

In Virginia?

I go, in Virginia?

Maybe.

He goes, yeah.

He goes, I'll show you where to go.

So after the show, I was so hungry.

I go, well, let's just go.

He says, it's an hour. I go, yeah, drive me back.
He goes, okay, we drive out in the woods. I'm not kidding you.
This could have been the end of your life. Yeah.
Anyway, Korean food was his dick. No.
So we go to this place, right? And it had the Korean flag on the fucking- In the woods in Virginia. In the woods of Virginia, dude.
You're like, why are there three big Ks above your house? What does that mean? No one's in there. Yeah.
Completely empty, right? And it was like steak and ketchup, mayo. I'm not kidding.
There was barely any Korean food on there. Some rice, you know what I mean? He tricked you into going to the- It was a Korean restaurant, but it was like the worst Korean restaurant you've ever been to.
And you still ate though. I had to.
Yeah, you don't have to. There was no other options.
Did you tell him? And like the fucking guys were all Mexican. It was fucking crazy.
Mexicans in Virginia and Korean food? Yeah, man. It was a sitcom.
It was insane, dude. It was insane.
Four Mexicans moved to the woods of Virginia with their Korean friend and they open up a restaurant. Yeah.
Right in the heart of the KKK. Y'all got that bim-bim-bap in there.
Y'all better give me some kimchi, buddy. One of the K's stands for Korean.
Korean. Korean, Korean, Korean.
That's what they chant. No, we're a totally different agenda now.
We're just Korean, Korean, Korean. I've always wondered, what does clucks mean?

Ku Klux.

Yeah, but are they different?

I think clucks just sounds dope.

Yeah.

Because the Ku Klux, like Ku Klux.

Why don't you just do Clucks, Clucks, Clucks?

Like chickens.

The origin of the name, the name was probably formed combining Greek,

Kyklos, Kluk, which means circle with clan.

So clan's cool.

Clucks, I've never heard. What's Ku? But then if clucks means clan then it's the kuklan clan the kuklan clan oh yeah a white a ku a ku a ku means like a an upper uh avoid and uh uh wait really it's a void i thought a ku meant like a revolute like a like a revolt isn't a ku a revolt i think it's spelled, it's spelled different with a C, I think.
I know, but so is clan is spelled with a fucking C too, not a K. Okay, okay, easy.
Okay, KK. These guys, man, they just are not good guys, huh? I don't know.
I don't know. I keep reading about these guys.
The more I read about them, the more I'm like, they are not good fellas. These guys are just bad boys.
Their costumes are weird. Yeah.
Yeah, get better costumes. After all this time, you think they would get in.
Also, don't use a torch. Use your iPhone, you know what I mean, at the light.
The light. Yeah, yeah.
That's true. Why can't they do that? Jews will not replace it.
Just put your fucking iPhone in the sky. You know? The burning the cross thing must be a whole fucking, just what, I mean, like, imagine the guy that, like, that fashions a really nice cross and just so they can burn it and he's like, you know, can you guys keep it around for a couple more days instead of just burning it every fucking time? It takes a long time to put that thing together.
But that's like their burning men, you know? That is, like part of it. And some guy lights it early and they're like, come on, manew what are you doing man that is pretty fucking ominous there huh it's so dark and disgusting and weird destroying your christian cross lightings they call it lighting so that they're not burning a christian cross but the irony is staggering it's like it looks so anti jesus it's supposed to be extremely pro jesus yeah i'm guessing yeah lighting shit on fire seems pro.
Seems like the opposite. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. When go ahead and lit my wife on fire.
That's insane. Didn't want to burn her.
I wanted to show how much I loved her. So I, I, uh, wife litter.
I didn't burn her. I didn't burn her.
I wife litter. Have you been watching the black mirrors? Yes.
Yeah, man. I watched one and I just.
The first one? Yeah. The one with the Jane is awful.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joan is awful.
Joan is awful. Yeah, yeah.
And it gave me the heebie-jeebies. I like it.
What do you mean heebie-jeebies? It gave me a yucky feeling in my bones. That's what it's supposed to do.
That's what it's supposed to do. I know, but sometimes then it's like sexy.
You know, like sometimes the Black Mir are like, oh yeah, fuck, that's so wild. What a weird twist.
This one wasn't as fun of a twist in that I thought the first three were pretty strong. Do you see the second one and the third one? I did, but remind me, I watched them all, but I don't remember the order.
Well, the third one is those two dudes that are in the space. Oh, yeah.
And then they have their robot. Don't say anything.
That one's really good. That one's insane.
It's so dark. So dark.
And I like that actor who plays Jesse on Breaking Bad. Aaron Paul.
Yeah, Aaron Paul, yeah. This is actually my problem with the new Black Mirror is that I recognize too many people in it.
But there's such great acting. I know, but I like the old Black Mirrors because I didn't know anybody.
I loved that. Even in that first episode, it's like Jaboukie Young White and all these people that I've seen before that I'm like,

oh, I like Black Mirror when it was unknown to me

because then I didn't get to attach a person to a thing.

Now I see Black Mirror.

I'm like, I know these fucking...

Maybe you're just getting so much more famous each year

that you recognize everybody in television.

That's what it is.

No, I think the first season, it wasn't that popular. It was a new show, right? And then once something becomes popular, actors now, they kind of campaign for that.
Like, I want to do that. I know, but I like it when the, if they had the balls to be like, well, we're successful without you.
We'll just use unknowns. Like, I begged to get on Galifianakis' show.
I told them I would pay them to be on that show. And they're like, we like we don't use a lot of actors we almost use no actors Martha Kelly was like the only actor that was on that show on Baskets oh yeah that show they barely would employ actors they wanted locals from Bakersfield and like people that really hadn't done anything and I was like even in the last season I was like begging like please make me like a fucking rodeo clown and it wouldn't even look like me and dress me up and and they do you do that you campaign for yourself like that only a few times i've done this i've only done i'm starting to do that now things that i want to do it feels gross though i don't fucking why you don't care to ask to be on something you enjoy oh yeah i feel like that was stand-up shows but a lot of times the people booking and don't even know you're interested so yeah they'd like to know in fact there's shows where they go yeah bobby's interested your agent calls and goes bobby would love to be on that and they're like seriously they don't think that you're interested.
Yeah, they'd like to know. In fact, there's shows where they go, yeah, Bobby's interested.
Your agent calls and goes,

Bobby would love to be on that.

And they're like, seriously?

They don't think that you might want to do it.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, because they don't,

if it's not in their thought process,

they might not think you'd be interested.

Yeah, I've been doing it.

I love it.

I think it's awesome.

Yeah.

You'd be great on Black Mirror.

Really?

I think so.

Yellow Mirror.

Yellow Mirror.

Yellow Mirror.

This one's oddly dirty. Yeah.
Hair story. Oh, the other day I took a shower and I did the hair story.
I put the stuff in my hair and I used that little cindical. What's it called? Oh, that little hair scrubber.
That little hair scrubber. It felt so good, guys.
So good. New wash.
Hair story has a thing called new wash. Yeah.
It's the first of its kind. The custom formula cleans, conditions, detangles, and restores hair without harsh foams and damaging detergents found in traditional shampoos.
New Wash is like shampoo, but it's actually good for your hair. I got to tell you, I tried it for the first time after we did our first read with them.
Yeah. And it is awesome.
It's like the follicles in your hair is going, thank you. Well, they're tingling.
They go, yay. Yeah, man.
In new washes and not a bunch of harsh nonsense. It's aloe vera, sunflower seed oil, jojoba seed oil.
Let me guess. An evening primzone oil? No, no.
It's evening primrose oil. But it does sound like primzone.
Yeah, yeah. Primzone.
But evening primrose oils. These ingredients are going to help you balance, soothe, strengthen, nourish, and clean your hair versus stripping your hair, what traditional shampoo does, of its natural oils.
You want to keep those natural oils in there, baby. Yeah, hair stories are good for your hair and the environment.
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This is insane. This is what society is today.
This is Black Mirror in real life. And everyone here.
You give consent to everyone to kick you in the nut? This guy's giving consent to these women to rack him in the parking lot. Oh my God.
And she makes him bow down. Also, look at the shitter on this girl.
Nice. Jesus Christ.
This poor guy is saying yes to this stuff. You want to go round two? Sure.
Sure. That confident sure yeah yeah why look at this this guy's in he they're in a parking lot he's in like a jc penny parking lot getting wracked in the dick at 9 p.m you think he's wearing a cup no listen you can hear it listen listen to this next one there's no way this has got to be what he gets off to, huh? This is his thing.

Listen to this. Listen to this.
Oh, my God. Oh, you know what I would do? And then they push him down.
If I was that guy, you know what I'd do? Okay, now it's my turn. Get on your knees.
My kicks. My kicks.
He's spitting in his mouth. He's spitting in his mouth.
He's spitting in his mouth. He's spitting in this guy's mouth.
Oh, fuck. I guess board shorts might be a good choice because you could have a little bit of room.
Oh, my God. There she goes, doing it again.
This is weird. I think it'd be funnier if they were wearing business suits.
Anyway, I tried to find these girls because I was like, you know, I'm interested. I couldn't get a hold of anybody.
Bobby and I will do it.

I don't want, dude, the idea that people can get kicked. This is how sad people's lives are.

He loves it. That guy loves it.
That's a Saturday

night. Yeah, man.
That was in

his calendar. Can you imagine he's texting

his buddies? What are you guys doing tonight? We're going to go out

to the bar and da-da-da. Do you want to come along?

He's like, no, man. I have a

double date. Yeah, yeah.

Two girls. It used to be funny when people got hit in the nut.
Yeah, now it's sad. It's so sad.
What's happening to this woman? But that guy is sexually gratified from it. I think he- It's a sexual thing, right? He walks away from it.
He's smiling. Yeah, happy.
But I don't know. He doesn't get off to it.
No, Carlos does. Yeah, Carlos watches this.
Yeah, I know. I sent this to Carlos.
He goes,

seen it. Seen it.

Seen it. Had my way with it.
My guess is that he jerks

off to it later. That's what my guess is.

Like they videotape it. They send him the videotape.

Yeah, and he jerks off to it. Yeah.
There's got to be some sort

of sexual thing. Isn't that dominatrix?

Yeah, kind of. I don't know.
But dominatrix is

not usually just racking you in the nuts.

I don't. That's how I've been doing it.

Well, keep getting paid, little girl.

Can you cheat?

Huh?

Can you cheat?

Can you cheat?

Yeah.

How?

What do you mean?

Put a nut cup in.

No, but then they would hear it and they'd bully you to take it out.

No, I'd say, I have hollow nuts.

That's why it sounds like that.

I guess.

You know?

I guess you know what?

Yeah.

It's just a sack.

There's nothing in it.

That's why it makes that noise.

Imagine if he was trans and he was like, go ahead, kick me in the nuts. And they go to kick him in the nuts and he's like, ha ha.
Yeah. It would still hurt though.
A little bit. Yeah.
Let me ask you something. Not like it does when you have a hanger.
So if we get hit in the nuts, right? And you get hit in the vagina, kicked in the vagina. Is yours painful? No.
It's painful. Yeah.
But it's not what we experienced. I doubt it.
How do you know what it feels like? You don't have nuts. I've also never been kicked in the vagina, but- Get over here.
Just kidding. All right, all right.
But just getting kicked in general is like, it hurts. So it probably hurt on your- But already, you don't even know what my testicles feel like right now by watching that.
You don't know me. Like, can't you visualize what that feels like? I feel it.
I feel it too. It's like when I get to the edge of a tall building and I look over and my nuts kind of go up a little bit.
They like, they crawl up into my stack. Yeah.
Because they're nervous. They're nervous.
They get scared. They retreat a little bit.
You know what I'm talking about? When your nuts retreat just a little bit. Like when it gets cold, same thing.
They go, whoop, no way. And they retreat just a little bit.
Yeah. That's what they sound like? Yeah, no way.
Well, my right one goes, no way. My left one's like, uh-uh.
No way. Is your right nut lower or your left nut lower? I think they're even.
We talked about that before. They're completely even.
I'm Asian. Everything's like, you know, it's science-based.
Everything's baseline. Yeah, everything's just like perfect.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yours is, huh? One's lower than that? Yeah, one is lower for sure. Why? Well, God made it that God made it that way Oh Yeah Well you know when you're Lacing up your shoes And you're trying to get both laces The equal length Yeah That's kind of what happened With God with nuts He was like eh fuck it whatever And then he put it out Let me ask you something Both nuts right Has the sperm in it? Yeah So No no it creates They make sperm It's not just sitting there Filled with sperm I know, but the two nuts, are they like, it's my turn.
They do it together. They're a team.
Oh, they are? I don't know. It's like you and me.
Oh, really? Yeah. But don't you think if you were a sack, I was a sack, and I'd be like, I'd have a mouth.
Like this, right? And I'd go, you know, okay, well, last time you came, I want to come this time. No, I want to.
Yeah, but you did it last time with that one girl. All right.
All right. What? Oh, my God, nothing came out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, then you do it.
Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, so you said they work in tandem. They work together.

Yeah, together as a team.

I didn't know.

You and I are perfect nutsack.

By the way, that whole analogy, two peas in a pod,

it should be two nuts in a sack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody's got to make that drawing.

You and I are two nuts in a sack.

Right.

Now, who's hanging lower?

You are for sure.

Because I'm just a little taller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are for sure.

But I do crawl up to see you.

I know.

You go, listen.

I'll write back down.

Yeah, right?

You're like Spider-Man.

Yeah.

I think if we were nuts, I think we would like have a movie night 100 yeah i'd come up and hang with you yeah yeah do you have any friends that have their testicle removed from cancer i've had three friends of mine get one nut removed and then only one of them put in a supplemental ball whoa what do you use a marble huh you could? You could. Could I use a marble? A big marble.

You could hypothetically put in whatever you want.

That's what I'm saying. I don't know if they would do it.

Maybe. You got enough, you know, you have enough cash.

Yeah. You know what I would use? What would you supplement? A ping

pong ball. Perfect.
Oh, that's funny.

It's light. Yeah.
But it still has the

girth. I'd want a Fabergé egg.

Whoa! You're talking

different things. Those are hard to find.
Yeah, babe. They're huge.
Also, at night after I'm done fucking, I would shine my phone light on the other side of my sack and you could see my nut glow, you know? Right. So you get a show.
I'd put my balls and then turn off the lights and then you'd see like a kaleidoscope show on the wall. Oh, whoa.
I know what I would do. Yeah, what would you do? I would get my nut from a dead person.
Whoa, who? Dead nut? I would get like a white dude's nut. Okay.
Imagine then. George Washington.
Then my babies come out white. Smart.
Right? One black and one white guy. Smart.
Right? And then I get a Barack Obama. Baby.
You know what I mean? What do you think? Tony Bennett just died. You could have his.
Yeah, real old. Real real old real old nut yeah but a good but musically inclined nut yeah because you already are musically talented I'm still good you got Tony Bennett's nut by the way rest in peace TB one of the greatest of all time sad what would you replace your vag with my vag no it'd have to be one of your tits if one of your tits had to go what would you would you supplement one of your tits with? Can't be a fake tit.
Too obvious. Okay.
Yeah, it's got to be something like... I think it'd probably be something like a soft serve ice cream, frozen yogurt.
Whoa. Bro-yo.
What flavor? I think I want to do... So it's sagging in the summer.
Well, yeah. In the summer, it's just like not...
But in the winter, though, if you're in fucking Canada... Oh, my God, it's hard as a rock.
It also stinks in the summer. Yeah, yeah.
It's summer, it's just like not, but in the winter though, if you're in fucking Canada,

oh my God,

it's hard as a rock.

It also stinks in the summer.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like hot yogurt.

But it happens.

But in the winter,

and I think I'd make it refillable.

So like in the winter,

I could do like pumpkin spice.

Oh, wow.

Maybe in the spring,

I do like- Dude, that is an invention

for milk on a tits.

They should make it

so you could stab tits

and infuse flavor. Kind of like at a coffee shop when you're like- The baby was so happy.
A little bit of caramel in there? Yeah, yeah. The baby was like, chai.
Right? Do you have a Chagaccino? Yeah. Ace ma.
That'd be cool. They would want it.
They would love it. That's so interesting.
A Chagaccino, by the way, I tasted for the first time the other day. What's a Chagaccino? Yeah mushroom and yeah it's a new well it's not new but i mean it's new to me new to the west but i fucking hated it i thought i would maybe like it i was like this might be good it sounded good did he just fall dude i had almost fell mushroom jerky i bought at air one How much was was that 45 something like that yeah so expensive and it's supposed to taste like beef jerky does not not at all yeah not even a little bit yeah it tastes it doesn't taste well there's some guy there's some dickhead i saw on tiktok some little asshole he's going up to people pretending like he's serving food and it's outside of a vegan place and it's meat he's and he trying to trick people into fucking giving them, you know what I mean, the meat and they got...
What an asshole. He's a piece of shit.
But the worst part was the reactions are like built for the internet. Like the one guy's like, barely speaks English and he's like, I gotta call the police.
And he's like, call the police. He's like, I'm gonna call the police.
And it's like, I'm laughing, but it's awful that he just fed him fucking meat out front of a vegan restaurant. That's terrible.
Terrible. I hate pranks.
What? I don't like pranks. I hate pranks.
I hate pranks. No, not a big, I don't like pranks.
Or somebody's at Home Depot and some guy's like doing a fucking prank, like putting something on somebody's head. Or they throw stuff at people.
Oh, I hate it. Yeah.
The only pranks that I actually do like are like, they leave a, there's one where a guy will put a bike, he'll leave a bike like in a park to be stolen and he'll put it on a long chain and then when the guy goes to steal it and ride away with it it yanks the chain and they go flying those are fun i wish i want to prank you man what would you do maybe i you to your wife i go i'm gonna um what's the matter no something happened to your eyes huh you had a loss of energy in your eyes no I'm listening I'm listening to you tell the story you got scared he turned white yeah how are you pranking me I say what's your dog's name Cubby Cubby so I'm gonna get like you know I mean a lot of meat right and the carcass of I think I know Cubby? I still don't know where it's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, I want to get a replica of Cubby's carcass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And you're just going to come in from the road or whatever.
I'm going to be eating steak. I go, thanks, man.
Delicious, Cubby. Is that the prank? Yeah.
I have the cameras. I want to see what.
So the prank. Yum, yum.
The prank is. Cubby yum, yum.
Prank is my best friend is eating my dog. Yeah, it's a good one.
It's a good one. I've never seen that before.
Korean friend eats best friend's dog. Yeah, what do you think? I mean, I think it's believable.
Yeah, it is, right? I think the internet will buy. I'll put blood on my face.
You what i mean it'll be a mess i'll get a clean up crew would that make you mad it depends if it's good does it how does it taste delicious you seasoned it well give me a piece how would you prank me you think um how would i prank you i would probably send you that video that i have my phone of me and Kalilah hooking up. I'd be...
That would be so crazy. That'd be a funny...
That's good. It's a good one.
We're 69ing, actually. Yeah.
That's the best part. I said, we can't kiss.
Bobby will be mad if we kiss. So we kissed each other's genitals.
If you did, if I did walk into my house... And I was fucking Kalilah? And you were fucking Kalilah back when we were dating.
I wonder what I would do. And you're like,

we're just kidding.

Hey,

pranked.

I think I just,

hold on,

we have to finish,

but you're getting pranked.

I don't think I would end

Bad Friends.

I don't think I would.

I was thinking,

it's just,

it's going so well.

But you know what?

Of all the people on this show

that would betray your trust and sleep with Kalilah. I already know.
You know who it is. Yeah.
You know who it is. Go ahead and say it.
I'm going to be real. Yeah.
I'm going to go with Pete. Pete.
That's what I was thinking. Pete would do it.
Look at him because he's so fucking phony, innocent. So phony, innocent, and nice.
No, that's not. Pete.
Why? Why is it me? Oh, what? Kalilah's ugly?

You don't think you'd sleep with her because she's gross to you?

I have a wife.

I have kids.

He never said he wouldn't do it.

Yeah, you never said no yet.

Okay, no.

I don't know if I believe him.

Honestly.

I just don't know.

I think it would be like...

Who would break your heart the most

if they did it?

In all of life?

In our crew.

In our crew.

In our crew?

In our bad friends crew.

If you walked in on one of us. The most confusing one would be Andreas.
I would ponder it for like a year. Like how the fuck did that happen? And which one would hurt your feelings the most? In real life? Yes.
You. And then which one would make you the most angry, not confused? be fancy i would be hurt you that would

piss you off yeah not mccone he wants you to oh i would no because at that point i know how to destroy him right oh i will destroy he's not gonna have a future what about george can you imagine how sick you'd be you'd be sick for months yeah Dude, suicide

Unbelievable

Suicide

Because you know know at that point life would make no sense yeah it'd be over I'd be like I don't know what life's about it's so confusing it's talk about yellow mirror that's your yellow mirror that's a yellow mirror episode dude if you walked in on Carlos hooking up with her like we had we actually ran him through that case already on this show well if he was doing missionary I would pull my pants down and fuck him in the ass world that would be fun dude yeah yeah he would love it then it's like no lessons are learned yeah no lessons but George would suicide would you kill yourself it was George George and my wife yeah not only no I'd kill well I'd kill everybody. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'd run around West Hollywood. I just, the world would be over.
It would be over. I'd be one of those guys where they just, I'd kill as many people as I could.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane.
That would ruin me. But here's somebody that I wouldn't even be mad at all.
I would giggle if it was Jesse. Yeah, that one wouldn't bother me.
Yeah, I'd be like, no, finish, finish. Yeah, if I caught you sleeping with my wife, I'd go, ah, fucking, what are you gonna do? Yeah.
I mean, it would be a discussion. You know why? Because you're so nice and sweet.
So sweet. And clean.
You know, I treat her right. Yeah, you treat her right.
So it's like almost like, what did I lose here? You know what I mean? How nice was I to you the other night? You've been so nice at the store. You seem like you're in a great mood.
I don't feel like you're making it.

I feel like it seems genuine.

Are you being real?

You are a great actor.

Are you being real?

I'm being 100%. I sat with you for like 30 minutes.

That's what she's saying.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was my last day working as a door guy,

and we were in the back video bar,

like the secret room.

Bobby came in there.

It was so fun.

I wish I stayed to see that.

Yeah, we had like-

I took off after my set,

so I was sad that I couldn't come back there.

It's okay. You're no longer a door guy.
Let's give it up for no longer a door guy. Let me tell you something.
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Amalgamation? Amalgamation. Amalgamation.
Can I have it again? Yeah. Amalgamation.
All right. Let me have it again.
Yeah, let's see you do it again, Bob. Okay, here we go.
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How do you feel now that you're free?

I feel pretty weird.

Why? Well, I feel good. You're going to miss that 80 bucks a month? I never worked there for the money.
No, I know. I know.
But, you know, I've kind of gotten, it's like a school and I've gotten everything I could get. Like, you guys have kind of helped build my career and I would have never met you if I didn't work there.
What was great was I saw a lot of people that worked there that wasn't even their shift coming to the store and coming to say goodbye to you. That's what this is.
I'm going to be a little sappy, but this is what's so important about the world of the comedy store to me. Not only is it our home where we most of us started, it's where I started.
You started in the comedy store family. And what is meaningful to me, and the thing I hope never gets lost generationally, is like it is a fucking community.
And it is so cool to see people supporting each other because in a lot of the chaos of comedy and competition, it's hard sometimes. People get inundated with why did they get that? Why don't I get that? But what's beautiful is when you do create a space where people support each other's growth in hopes that you too will get that opportunity, all you're doing is creating a great place to want to like be and come together and create something pretty fucking magical.
And I hope that never dies because I think that is such a cool thing for people to celebrate your graduation from something. It's the best I've ever felt walking away from something because i am i'll still welcome there of course like i just moved into i'm just in development now there but it it felt really like like a closure thing it's a rite of passage yeah rite of passage felt like graduating a school that you really enjoyed going to i i think it's so special i know i'm being sa sappy, stupid, but it's like when I see stuff like that,

even like the names that just got painted too.

Yeah. People are posting names like Laura Peake and it's like, it's a cool

thing. I like that that's a system that

still is in existence. I know a lot of

people don't like the system. I like the

reason.

What's going on? I'm sorry. Wow.

Let me see it again. Yeah, I thought you were going to say

walrus. Walrus pussy.
I like the

walrus pussy. No, listen.

I like that it's difficult to get

and What's going on? I'm sorry Wow Let me see it again I thought you were going to say walrus Walrus pussy I like the walrus pussy No listen I like that it's difficult to get into that room Same Should be A little bit Something to work Yeah I love how difficult it is Yeah It's so hard It felt great And now I think it's also good for me to leave Not just because I need to start headlining And really becoming a full time stand up comedian but me leaving also gives more opportunity that's right because people will come through and say what door guys are going to take on the road and I feel like you know I've I need to now you know I know and people can ask me and it just gives this new class of door guys how'd you sell in Bakersfield Bakersfield and what else sold out you did sold out completely sold out it was. Completely sold out.
It was crazy. How crazy is that? That's insane.
Huge meet and great

line. No.
I got bad friends.

Whoa. Whoa.
It was great.

And Bobby, we get 20%. You owe you.

Yeah, 20%. I know.
I owe you.

My manager gets 10. You guys get 20.

Yeah. I cut out my feature act.

Joel Jimenez came with me. I love Joel

Jimenez. You have your own features now.

Well, I'm going to do my first weekend. This will be after.
It'll air after, but it's my first weekend alone. I can't bring anybody.
Where? Wow. First night in Salt Lake City on Thursday and then Friday.
Wise guys? Yeah, in Vegas. Both wise guys.
Vegas and Salt Lake. And then our Vegas might happen.
Yeah, we're working on it. Yeah, we got it.
I know. I'm excited.
We might do eight. Guys, listen, we might do how many shows? Eight a year? Something like that.
Well, they're working it out I know I'm excited we might do eight guys listen we might do how many shows

eight a year something like that

well they're working it out

in Vegas you want to do them

I just quit my job

you know what

so

I'm going to be so sentimental

I just think it's incredible that this is

that this world is

I'm so happy

that you sold out when I saw that online I was like

man that's fucking I texted you

Thank you. I just think it's incredible that this is that this world is I'm so happy that you sold out when I saw that online I was like man that's fucking I texted you it makes me feel good to see you just cruising man you're cruising you guys posting it helped a lot Irvine was close too and Irvine was twice as big so it's like huge fucking unbelievable unbelievable it's exciting do you guys have any tips about when I get set up with local openers well anyway man the fuck haven't we done enough Jesus you fucking bitch oh no no no whenever you just said no okay yeah we're not doing that the days of local openers by openers.
By the way, there's some that I meet that I'm still friends with today. There's guys that I've come across.
O'Connell. Well, Chris, yeah.
Became one of my best friends. But before that, years and years and years ago when I was touring on the road and I was alone and lonely and I met a couple of really good people.
It is so cool when you meet cool people on the road. I love that.
I didn't know you met O'Connor on the road like that. Yeah, man.
We met in Indianapolis. That makes me feel good.
And a police officer threw up in my Uber. A cop threw up in my Uber.
You hear what I just said? You were driving Uber? We went out that night. We took an Uber.
We went out with like a local Indiana state trooper who was friends with another one of O'Connor's buddies. And this off-duty cop partied so hard he threw up in the uber that i yeah whoa because we shared an uber and he said he goes can i take it back to the to the hotel i said yeah just i'll just add the stop and you can just take my uber then the next morning i wake up with like a 750 charge on my fucking uber account and i was like what the fuck where did this guy go he drive to chicago and then I go on my thing and it says, they don't even say throw up.
They say like internal damage to the vehicle or something. So you don't, it could have been the other end.
No, I asked. Oh, okay.
I texted and I was like, hey man, did you guys fucking, what'd you guys do in the back of that car? And he goes, oh dude, I'll Venmo you. I'm so sorry.
How much? He's like, the entire backseat was coated in throw up. Oh my God.
do that with you man i know i mean why is it when i get drunk it doesn't we don't have that thing because yours is toxic and you get poop all over the place i know but my point is is that well that's enough because always follow me around to see if i'm gonna be okay or whatever yeah because you're insane because when you got drunk in mexico you were up to absolutely no good what because i asked for a drink at the fucking restaurant yeah insane no because when you did get drunk Mexico, you were up to absolutely no good. Why? Because I asked for a drink at the fucking restaurant? Yeah.
Insane. No, because when you did get drunk, you were recluse to your room and we couldn't find you to get a hold of you.
You turn off your phone. You drink by yourself.
You take pills. You throw up.
You poop everywhere. And then you wake up at 5 p.m.
the next day. And I'd rather you wake up at 5 p.m.
the next day without booze and drugs in your body. Rock on, dude.
No, no. no, rock off.
Rock off. Rock off.
Rock off. No, no, no.
Rock and sit. Rock and sit.
Yeah, I don't know how to do it like that. You just don't have that trigger.
Yeah. You don't know how to fucking turn one of the machines off when the other machine goes on.
You know who else is like that? Who? Carlos. Yeah, you are.
I know. This guy's endless.
Dude, it's helped me get so, like, really stay in. Watching you on the bus that one night.
Watching you, I go, oh, yeah, that's why I don't drink. That one night? McCone showed me the video footage of us in Nashville when he was rolling around on the floor of the bus.
Oh, yeah. It was insane.
It's insane. I was under tremendous stress.
You were rubbing your back on the floor of the bus laughing like you were itching, like a bear itching against the tree. And the things you would say.
Huh? I'm not going to repeat what you would say. Say some of it.
No, you would say things. I'm like, oh, shit.
That's the most racist thing I've ever had in my life. 100%.
It was no comedy or nothing. No comedy.
Whatever the word. I felt comfortable with my friends.
That's really. And I think I was under a lot of stress at the beginning of the tour.
I drank more than usual. Victim, victim, victim.
I'm not playing the victim.

I'm saying I had fun with my friend.

You did.

But are you an alcoholic?

Let me ask.

I think I'm, yes, that I'm very much like an addict.

Right.

Yeah, I don't think you're an alcoholic.

I think you're an addict across the board. Because I don't think you need alcohol to function every day.

But I do think that you will take anything and any opportunity to get fucked up. Yeah like do we need to intervene not yet when not yet he said i've tried well you just yell it's time yeah well that's that's i mean that's how i do it it's time it's out of control i was under stress on tour you know what happened to me do you think if we tried to actually get you real help, you would want to go?

No.

Okay.

He's not ready.

I can tell.

Yeah, because you got to want to do it.

How do you get there?

I don't know.

Yeah, but let me ask you.

What got you there when I first met you, you were sober?

Yeah, yeah.

What happened before that to get you there?

Oh, gosh.

I went to rehab and I relapsed after.

And I was like, I can't.

I was too young. it was like destroying my life

when I met you you were using again no I

was sober no you were sober when we first met

yes exactly and then you started using

pretty quickly yeah yeah

and it's been a long time

yeah after divorce and all that I was like

fuck it well divorce is gonna make you relapse

yeah I imagine going through

a divorce makes you relapse I think

me and Kalilah's breakup was

tough I think that was really hard for you

yeah yeah that was tough your dad died that was a big one

Thank you. I imagine going through a divorce makes you relapse.
I think me and Kalilah's breakup was tough.

I think that was really hard for you. Yeah, yeah, that was tough.

Your dad died.

That was a big one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to talk to you guys about the racial inequality of sleep.

Finally.

Black Americans aren't sleeping as well as whites.

And here's why that's a public health problem and what can be done to fix it, said The Atlantic.

This is where we are now in society that we're blaming racial inequality on not getting good sleep.

You know who doesn not getting good sleep.

You know who doesn't get good sleep?

Everybody I know.

I haven't slept in fucking years. I can't sleep at all.

Yeah, I've been having a hard time.

I can't sleep.

Me either.

I can't sleep at all.

You know when you meet someone

that can sleep well,

you're almost suspect of them

when they're like,

oh dude, I'm getting

fucking great sleep

and you're like,

what's going on?

You have nothing going on?

How could you get really good sleep?

You know who gets good sleep at night?

Who?

Pete. Yeah, he gets good sleep.
I think Andreas does too. No, Andreas definitely doesn't.
He doesn't? When we met him, he had a full head of hair. Oh, that's right.
Fucking, he doesn't sleep at all. And now he's got a baby.
He's definitely not sleeping. Pete, when he has his kids, he doesn't fucking pay attention.
His beautiful wife does all that shit. That's right.
Sleep through the cries, you know? Let the wife take care of it. How responsible of a father are you, Pete? How involved are you? Truly.
Honestly. Yeah.
It is Sunday and night. Not a lot.
Not a lot. Yeah, it's Sunday.
He's out fucking- I'm here. When your wife would pump, would you help organize that for her and rub her feet while she was pumping so it made the day easier or cooked her the meal? Nothing.
Did you ever clean while she was taking care of the kids? No. Nothing.
Pete, let me ask you something. When it's good night time, what time is night time? One time is sleepy time? I usually go to bed around 11.
Okay, so when it's sleepy time, you take a shower first? No, I'm a morning shower. Okay, good.
So you lay in bed. You say good night,, sweetie.
Now give me the way. How long does it take? From good night, sweetie, to you going to bed? Physically sleeping, he's saying.
Like an hour. It takes an hour.
It takes an hour. Because I usually go on my phone.
I stay awake. Right.
But then I sleep good. Yeah.
When I lay in bed, it's a four-hour drama. Yeah.
At least. Yeah, yeah.
It's a flight to New York. It's a flight to New York.
Yeah.'s how i feel yeah there's like a lot of suffering going on sleeping is like it is when i think about trying to get to sleep at night i think this is a journey it i'm doing ayahuasca almost every night in bed trying to get to sleep it's fucking impossible yeah but in the middle of the day now i'm able to take a nap once in a while which i never used to be able to do yeah i've been taking nappy now but now i'll play with the dog on the couch until i take a little nappy poo and that's supplemented my lack of sleep but i can't do it do you eat in bed how many people say do i yeah you know me so well yeah i don't eat in bed i don't even eat in my car yeah yeah fucking do you eat in your car carless you eat in your car my car pete you. I never eat in my car.
I can't eat in the car. No.
I want to eat when I get to a location where I can eat. Have you eaten a sandwich in bed? Well, my last place I did for sure because I didn't like the common areas.
Yeah, she had to live. That bed was her place.
We lived in the bed. Yeah.
We ate all meals in the bed. But now, would you eat in your bed now in your new place? A snack.
I'll eat a string cheese in the bed. No, no, no, no.
That's not eating. Yeah, yeah, that's not.
I'm talking about something that- I wouldn't eat a whole chicken. Okay, thank God.
Would you eat- How about this? Let's go through. Would you eat like- If you had a couple slices of pizza, would you sit in bed and eat those? No.
No. So that's because- Spill factor, grease factor.
Oh, God, no. Pizza, no.
Carlos 100% would. Look at his smile.
100%. In my car, I would, for sure.
No, not in bed? What's your limit of eating in bed? What would you eat in bed that you know that I would be like, that's insane? You wouldn't like that I've eaten cereal in bed. That's so funny.
Why are you eating cereal in bed? There's like oat milk dripping. Oh! That's disgusting.
I get nervous. He's the kind of guy that brings the oat milk with him and pours it in.
100%. And you know what he does, by the way? When he's done eating the cereal, he...
I do eat in bed, by the way. What do you eat? Pussy, baby! What's up? Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
When you eat the cereal, I know, Carlos, he'll eat it, right? And then the little bit of milk that's left over at the bottom, he'll put it on his bedside table and it'll stay there for weeks and weeks. He doesn't take that bowl back to the kitchen.
I do. I take the bowl back at night, like at 11 o'clock or something.
No, you don't. The next day, the next day, the next morning.
I've done the next morning before. Do you have a washer and dryer in your unit? Yeah.
That's why he can do stuff like that. What do you mean? Because it's no consequence.

He gets to spill some oat milk.

He just puts some in the thing.

You don't got to get quarters.

You've got to go to a washer.

You've got to go to a location.

Yeah.

I'm not risking.

But is your laundromat inside your apartment complex?

Well, yeah.

It's broken right now.

So you've got to walk somewhere or drive?

I'll drive.

Oh, man.

And you got to get the quarters ready, which is a whole thing.

Do you remember when we used to have to do that?

Are you kidding me? I thought about it.

That's so fucking funny. I literally thought about that the other day.
We were driving

in Santa Monica and there was a huge laundromat and it was midnight. We were coming home from a

restaurant and it was packed with people, packed with people three nights ago. And I thought,

man, I remember that. Me too.
Doing my laundry at one in the morning sometimes between, you know,

like that was the only time it was like freed up enough and I had space and I wasn't working. Yeah.
Hey, can I come to your house to do laundry? No. That's insane.
It's insane. Why would we let you do that? I don't know.
You care about me? I think we've done a lot. Not enough, but...
Wait a minute. I want to go to Vegas.
No, you don't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No more, no more. That's insane.
That's insane what you just i gotta tell you what is this oh oh another video sent me let me see okay big screen all right so picture this there's a couple in australia and they were trying to figure out what to name their baby girl and so the husband had a great idea he said let's name her la nesra this is for you bob Nesra and the wife was like- Pause it. Pause it.
Can you guess? Nesra.

Come on, it's for you. Really? Yeah, it's just for you.
Okay, I want to, can I, because I'm not good at riddles. It's like a Gollum riddle.
Well, look at the name. L.A.
You see it. Do you see it? Well, let me, let me, let me get.
Oh,, I see it It's for you, Bob Lane

Lane's rock

Come on, baby

I don't know

Alright, play it

But it was his favorite soccer team

Arsenal

Oh

Arsenal backwards

As La Nestra

Whoa

That's what you should name Your firstborn. Lannestra.
Or what's Gooner backwards? Noog. Yeah.
What's Gooner? Type in the word Gooner. Let me see what that looks like backwards.
This guy loved Arsenal so much, he named his daughter Lannestra. Well, my favorite rugby team is Coog.
Coog. Yeah.
Oh, no. Facebook Gooner.
It's G-O-O-N-E-R. Yeah.
Renug. Yeah.
Facebook Gooner.

It's G-O-O-N-E-R.

Yeah.

Renug.

Yeah.

Oh, so your son's name is going to be?

Renug.

Renug.

Renug.

Renug is an awesome name.

Yeah.

Renugly?

Renugly.

Renugly.

Yeah, I'm going to do that.

Sounds like the Jungle Book.

Urban Dictionary is a different definition.

A Gooner, a man who watches porn, typically gay, all day long, and strokes for hours while edging nonstop. That's what it says there.
That's what it says. The last part's the craziest.
And becomes retarded in the process. Are you being real? I'm a gooner.
You're a big time gooner. That's perfect.
Speaking of which, you know, fucking Real Madrid is here right now. I know.
This episode will be out, but Real Madrid is here. Arsenal is playing in two nights.
With Barcelona. I think I'm going to go.
You said that you could get me? I'm going to go. We're going to take you.
Arsenal, are they with CAA? Is that what you're looking at? They might have some players with CAA Sports. That's why your reps could.
That's why you could have been an agent, by the way. Just because I know that.
I was in the mailroom at william moore i know you were you could have been an agent you could have been a great agent yeah because you kind of have agent look really yeah especially when you wear the like the gold chain and the suit jacket but with your hair with your hair the way it is like balding with a ponytail is like an a an old agent yeah although you can also withstand insanity yeah watch do it to him bob give it to him because i used to do things in the fucking boss oh yeah and i could see you absorb insanity i love insanity yeah and he's good at like and you'd go bobby you know i mean okay i'll do it yeah he would he would yeah you're like one of those guys you don't fight back yeah that's agent shit but in i insanity gives me like fuel like it's like a it's like a fun job like Who would be on your client list right now? Right now? Yeah, come on. Name some people.
I would have tried to grab y'all. You can't have us.
Yeah. Right now, I would probably go poach people during the strike.
Well, I'll tell you who's available. Armie Hammer.
I would immediately sign him. You would sign him? Yeah, and I would try and get him like a Netflix deal in Yugoslavia or something.
Whoa, look at the CC. He is good.
He is so good. They don't care about like Me Too shit out there.
So they'll just take him. Right, they would take him.
Yugoslavia, they would take him. Yeah.
Who else would you sign? Danny Masterson? From jail, we could do a podcast. Podcast.
See, this guy, he's- Whoa, that's so you're thinking, Dan. He's moving're thinking that he's moving and shaking yeah this guy is always moving and shaking i'll take all the canceled people cosby yeah we'll do what's going on tour we would make so much money he that tour is never going to happen look up bill cosby on tour there's no yeah that's not gonna happen because you're not repping him yeah we would make yeah we would send him to like south america and asian you know who's opening for Bill Cosby? Who? repping him.
Yeah, we would send him to South America and Asia.

You know who's opening for Bill Cosby?

Who?

Whoever he makes.

All right, we'll be right back.

All right, all right.

Plans to tour in 2023.

Yeah, that's an old article.

It's not going to happen.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

Fucking loser.

That guy sucks.

He sucks.

You think he'll sell tickets?

Piece of shit.

Yeah, of course he'll sell fucking tickets.

So many people will go to see him.

They're in denial or they don't know about it.

No, no, it's not even that.

They want to see...

It's like the way

I saw an accident yesterday

and I stopped

like a moron to look at it.

People want to see chaos.

If I asked,

if I said,

I got tickets front row

to a Cosmx show

and backstage,

would you go?

I would immediately

call a hair and makeup person

and get us in disguises.

Right.

Who would you look like? Huh? Who would you look like? Who would I dress up as? Yeah. Steve Harvey.
My hero. Yeah.
I love Steve Harvey. I would do Bernie.
Bernie. Bernie Mac.
Bernie Mac? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skilts.
And I would be like a skeleton because I'm like, you know, I'm dead. Oh, my God.
I'll have a skeleton mummy kind of vibe. So bad vibe.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my God.
What did I see? Look up 105 year old Mexican grandmother. This woman, they gave her like a cake.
It was online. There was a woman in bed on TikTok.
It was 105. And I was like, she's not dead.
Her? She's not dead. Oh, that's the one? That woman? That's got to be the one 105 yeah that's crazy yeah when you're mexican and a woman and you look like voldemort you're dead 105 that's insane 105 yeah she's making the best tamales though she's making the best tamales oh yeah how how could you last that look at that at that's always by the way yeah 119 119 young young still young yeah kane tanaka she was the oldest living person what do you do at 119 for fun sleep i think you get excited look yeah when you do look what i'm doing you when you with your finger if you're able to look to the left.
Right, that's a big thing.

That's a huge deal.

What'd you do today, great-great-great-great-grandmother?

I look to the left.

She turns her head.

You just hear like...

Like, what do you do?

Do you watch Netflix?

Imagine.

She's like, I just listened to Little Yachty's new album.

She knows everything.

She's bumping that shit.

Yeah. She likes raisins and praying.
That's what got her She knows everything. She's bumping that shit.

She likes raisins and praying.

Raisins and gin-soaked raisins and prayer are the things that made her last that long.

Gin-soaked raisins and prayer.

Let's get in on that.

We gotta get in on that.

You can't have that.

I can't have that.

You can't do that.

Yeah, you can't do gin-soaked.

Yeah, I don't know what you do.

What's gonna keep...

You know what keeps you young?

Your attitude. You know how many people I know know go your boy bobby how old is he and i always say he's 51 and they go shut the fuck up everybody because of your attitude and your approach to life everybody thinks you're 40 yeah it's insane that's the way to do it your approach yeah your approach your approach to life is always going to dictate how people receive you yeah look at look at pete pete's 19 whoa you look like shit pete pretty grizzled for yeah yeah yeah whoa and he's never but he looks like he's fought in wars yeah but he hasn't he's just that's his chiseled grizzled way yeah when i see women at my age I'm like you can't date i can't do it and it's not because i just can't do it what's what's the oldest woman you would go on a date with 40 well that's very appropriate don't you think that is a hundred of course that's appropriate a 40 year old woman yeah like a divorcee with a couple of kids yeah 40 40 yeah 40 40 think is, I know you won't, but I think that's commendable.
I got to say this. This episode has been great without Fancy, and I'm happy he's not here.
Oh, no. I thought I was going to miss him.
Didn't miss him even a little bit. Didn't miss him even a little bit.
Who's Fancy? That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
We miss him. I did his podcast.
Yeah, you did his podcast, which, you know, everyone's done it except for me. You got to do it.
It's actually great. I know.
Everybody says you got to do it. I had fun.
Be the rebel, don't. Does it pay? No.
Yeah, well, then why am I doing his podcast? That's what Chet Hanks asked me. Does it pay? Chet Hanks asked for- Money.
Yeah, to be on F on fancy show. That's very funny.
Well,

I mean,

after,

I can't believe he'd want to do anything after being on an Eric Andre show.

Do you see that?

What Eric, what Eric Andre did to him?

No.

My God.

You shouldn't,

you need to watch that.

It's fucking amazing.

What is it?

The Eric Andre show.

He,

you know what it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He fucks with Chet Hanks the whole time.

Bring it.

You'll see.

It's,

I mean,

it's great,

dude.

Is it new season?

Yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

This past year season.

It's great,

dude.

It's just absolute brilliance.

That guy's show.

I wish,

I think... Is it new season? Yeah.
Yeah, this past year's season. Dude, it's just absolute brilliance, that guy's show.
I wish I had a show like that. That's so fun.
If we did a bad friend show, we just fucked with guests live. That'd be so fun.
But is that... He signed up to do that? Does he know? They all do.
They all do. Everyone that comes on there, they know it's chaos.
I mean, if you've watched it once. Yeah, yeah.
Would you do it as a guest? He would never ask me to be a guest. I don't think he would ask me either.
Well, we're friends. It'd be weird.
He wouldn't want me on there. He wants people that he kind of doesn't know.
Right. Because then it's like, you're allowed to get, you can do everything.
You don't want to do that to your buddy. It'd be weird.
It'd be feel. So all, because I've never seen, that was the first time I've ever seen it.
Really?

Yeah.

Oh, it's such a good show.

It's such a good show.

There's so much good shit.

Really?

Like so much.

I want to watch it.

Ugh.

I haven't seen it in a long time.

I saw it when Hannibal was on it.

Yeah.

Now Felipe is,

That's awesome.

Felipe is his like sidekick.

That's great.

Hannibal Buress used to be like the sidekick on the show.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm hysterical.

And they would fuck with people together. I mean, it's just so good.
It it's just like the that's the last remains of like comedy being free and stupid for no reason yeah yeah it's so fun gay blade i mean it's so fun yeah that's what you know what that is not to give credit but like that's why mad tv became successful because it didn't take itself that serious it was fucking wackadoo nonsense yeah yeah yeah it didn't care so people could say whatever they want about comparing that to snl because they were like snl is this like tied that's right patreon.com slash bad friends and you get more than more. You get launching a Patreon.
That's right. Patreon.com slash

BadFriends. And you get more than more.

You get more than more. Not only do you get

the episode on Friday

instead of Monday, you get it Friday.

Ad free. So you get the episode

ad free on Friday instead of on Monday, and

you get extras. Bonus content.

And, you know, weird

stuff. Like this.

The Bad Friends court is now in session.

Honorable Judge

Bobby Lee and Hon judge Andrew Santino presided. Let's hear it.
Here we here Tony Sertoria employees broke into her restaurant and stole her secret recipe for the legendary perfect pizza He's okay. Oh, we know the secret sauce on the count of three.
One, two, three.

You're on with the bad friends.

How thick is it?

How thick is it?

Are you Mormon?

Yeah.

That's great, man.

We love you, and I hope you don't get deported anytime soon.

Goodbye.

So.

So.

Patreon.com slash bad friends.

What is it, Bob?

Patreon.com slash bad friends.

You gotta do it.