Aoki's Science Corner

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

You know what I have to call a bachelor.

All right, let me say something.

You don't open the episode.

I know what you're trying to do. You're funny.
Off the episode. Yeah, yeah.
No. And here's the deal.
First of all, we're back. We're back.
We're back in fire. And it's back to the OG days.
OGG. It's me and Bob.
Yeah. And Fancy brought a sub, a substitute Asian, a Spasian.
A Spasian. And she's back.
The Liz is back. What's her name? Lizzie Wynn.
Lizzie Wynn? That's her name? I love it. Lizzie Wynn is in the house.
Does anybody ever call you Lizzie? Yeah. They do.
Because I go by DJ Lizzie Liz, and they're like, what's up? You're not a DJ. I'm not a DJ.
No. What would she play if she was a DJ? What do you mean? What kind of song? Steve Aoki.
Only? Yeah. She is Steve Aoki.
Oh, no. You kind of look like him.
Yeah, you look like Steve Aoki. Is your new nickname Aoki? Aoki's in town.
What's up? He does that too when he waves. Thank you for coming to the show.
In Vegas. I've seen him do that.
Speaking of great Asian moves in Vegas, I want you to Google. That looks exactly like you.
No. There you are, Liz.
No, your name's not Liz. It's Aoki.
Aoki, there you are. There you are, Aoki.
Hey, that headshot. Can you hook me up with that photographer? That was pretty cool.
I got you. Okay, good.
Hey, look up Asian poker player boob falls out. This girl named Sashimi.
That's not her name. She goes by Sashimi.
Her name is Sashimi. Her name is Sashimi.
Look, click on it. What is her name? What's her name? Click on one of the links and see.
One of her boobs fell out during the... Is her last name Spring Roll? Sashimi.
Look at her. Okay, that's not the photo.
I have a big pair. But look, it says wardrobe malfunction.
One of her boobs fell out of her shirt during the poker game. But what does it say her name is? Shashimi.
No, sashimi. Oh.
Aren't you Asian? I am. What kind did we get? She's not real.
This is not a good one. You have Asian parents or were you adopted? I have Asian parents.
Both of them? Yes. Are you sure? I have two Asian parents.
I was raised by an Asian grandmother. So you should be really up to date.
Super Asian. This is like when you do a software update on your computer.
It's like, you should be really, this should be, we should be running at the highest. That's it right there.
Okay. So one of her tits just fell out at the poker table.
Oh dude, I thought you said, I thought you meant it fell off her body. So I'm like, what the fuck is, because I she had an implant and it came out.
Oh, it just came out? No, but look, though. And this guy, this poor bastard.
Look at this idiot trying so hard to not look at her tip. Poke her face.
Yeah, poke her face. Poke her face.
Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good.
That was pretty good. Look at that.
Sashimi raised to $ 3,000 and 5,000 per tit pretty incredible it's a good move how do you know this the world series of poker is going on right now you watch this? nah but it just made the news so a friend told me about it he was like did you see this video on the internet I thought that made you a fan of sashimi I do like sash do like sashimi. Yeah.
I love it. I like nigiri just as much.
Nigiri's pretty good. Nigiri got kicked out of the tournament quickly.
Nigiri? Yeah, sashimi's gonna last way longer than nigiri is. Have you ever seen the card trickery of omakase? Do you know him? You don't know what's coming.
That's the best part about it. All right, we'll be right back after sushi jokes.
Should we do some sushi jokes? I don't want to talk to you, but I want to say something about sushi. shamase What does that mean? A shamase? When you walk into a sushi joint They go A shamase They think that that's your name They think my name is a shamase Yeah because I've never heard that before Yes you have Nah Shut up They think your name is a shamase Then why do I say it back? That'd be like They think that you're like Torezzi Wow Yeah yeah That's like them going Andrew Andrew Yeah that's what they think going, Andrew.
Andrew! Yeah, that's what they think. Isha Masei.
What does it mean? You guys know? You know what that is. They did it on Curb Your Enthusiasm, an episode.
I don't know what it means, but can we talk about eel sauce? What about it? Why do they even use it? It's for white people. Whites don't like it.
I don't like it. What? Dude, bro, you can't go to Japan and go, hey, can I have eel sauce? Well, I would never do that.
Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, I don't know.
But what I'm saying is that I don't know anybody likes it, right? And yet, if you get a crispy rice with tuna, you have to say, does that come with eel sauce? And they go, oh, yeah, they do it. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, no, then. Get it off.
And they're like, why not? Because no one eats. know why they give it to us? Why? Because they don't eat it over there.
They ship it to America and they're like, maybe eat here. Yeah.
They think we're going to eat all of it. Is it eel? It's eel.
What is eel sauce? You know what? Let's guess before we look. I think they have to, if they made sunshine cream.
If it was sunshine cream, I would eat it. But eel sauce.
I think it's eel tears. Thickened and sweetened soy sauce is perfect for dipping.
It's also unagi sauce. Yeah.
So it's thickened sweet sauce by using what? It doesn't have any eel products. No.
Oh, it's like Panda Express. Oh, shit.
You know, you go to Panda Express, can I have the panda? And they don't have it because it's just the name. It's just sake, mirin, sugar, and soy sauce.
Yeah, it's a lie. No, it feels like there's eel in there.
No. There's no eel.
No, I don't think so. Why do they call it eel sauce? I think it's because I used to work at a poke place, and they always dress the eel in that sauce.
They always dress the eel in that sauce. Yeah, it's like associating.
And so they're like eel sauce. It's like a mistake sauce.
Yeah. There you go.
I don't like this at all. Yeah.
Whatever's going on up in that booth right today, don't stop looking at each other. It's like saying meerkat gravy.
Yeah. What's in this? I like gravy.
I like meerkat. I don't like meerkat gravy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it out of here.
Just change the name. I hate that.
What's the thing you won't eat at a sushi place?

Refuse You know like something that I get all the time

But every time I eat it

It fucks my stomach up

And I always go why did you get that?

Uni?

No

What?

Soft shell crab

Oh

Dude I do not like soft shell crab

And then the fucking

Is it that soft too?

Uh uh

Pretty hard

Because the fucking shit gets in between your teeth

Two days later you have

Oh there's the skin of the soft shell

Oh look at that

Thank you. I do not like soft shell crab.
Yeah, and then the fucking, is it that soft too? Uh-uh, pretty hard. Because the fucking shit gets in between your teeth.
Two days later, you have, oh, there's the skin of the soft shell. Oh, look at that.
There's Sebastian. There's little Sebastian.
Sebastian. Right? Listen.
Well, first of all, as a crab, grow thicker fucking skin. Yeah, come on, man.
What kind of fuck? Were you walking around with no skin? I'm still being honest. You grow like the regular crabs of fucking armor.
But they're just, you know what they are? Are they the case? Yeah, they are. That's soft shells.
Are they the case? Hey. Get out of here.
Hey, get out of here. Maybe the gay crabs do.
Back up. Back up.
Get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can eat me. Now, is there a trans crab That was soft shell But it went hard shell I refuse to go there I refuse to go there Did he go soft shell To hard shell Is there trans crabs Oh yeah Trans crabs lives matter Did he go soft shell To hard shell Or hard shell to soft shell I think soft shell To hard shell I think that you can do both But if you're soft shell right You can go to the surgeon And just add Add layers Add layers And.
Add layers. And then as a regular crab.
Hard shell crab. Don't say regular.
You dig it. As a hard shell crab.
As a regular. What is it? A hard shell crab.
As a hard shell, I think that's a painful operation. Take off the skin.
Right. Well, you're also removing.
Or you could tuck. You could tuck some of the the hardness you don't have to pull it off right it's a choice can i ask you another question please do they have penises and vaginas do crabs have penises and vaginas i know i every time i know i think the reason why this podcast is so low yeah is because of me what are you talking about i always go because these are things that i question in my own mind.
But this is a fine thought. This is a- Yeah, it's science.
First of all, this is science and biology. We're doing science right now.
Oh my gosh, we like pulled up a study. No, you can't pull up a study.
You got to pull up something a little bit simpler than that, Aoki. Let's see.
Aoki, Aoki. By the way, pubic lice popped up.
I know, I don't know. I knew a guy in college that had pubic lice.
What is it? It's lice in your pubes. You know what lice is? Like little tiny- I know what lice is.
And he had pubic lice what is it it's lice in your pubes you know what lice is like little i know what lice is and he got pubic lice but why they call it pubic i mean he's just a traveler no yeah the lice just went from the head to the pubic you gotta change his name he's just like a magellan that's funny he's a traveler what about butt hair lice exactly my point is it's all lies don't discriminate all lice lives matter Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The lice, right.
My point is it's all lice. Don't discriminate.
All lice lives matter.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

The lice usually resides on one's head.

And if they're a voyager and they're like the lower croft of it.

You know what it is?

What is it? They're Jewish lice because they like the curly hair.

They're sick of this hair.

They go, let's get curly.

And then they go down there and they go, this is our land.

Right?

And they build a wall. Little crabs and warts or whatever.
This is our land. It's our holy land.
And there is a small population of lice. There's only a small percentage left.
Yeah. And then the fucking little crabs, right, are in the fucking strip.
Yeah, they're in the strip. Which is the taint.
Right. Right, right, right.
We don't want to be at the strip. Zoom in.
We do religious humor here. We do.
Under the flap of the male. They have two penises, Bob.
No. Left and right.
Those are his arms. No, it says he has a left and a right penis.
Whoa, dude. He gets a pick.
Oh, fuck. Imagine if you got to choose what dick you were going to use that day.
But here deal One of your dicks was super long but very skinny And the other one was really thick but very short Liz have you ever had a micro penis? No I've never Never seen a micro penis Do you have a boyfriend? I have a husband You're married So what is his penis like? No I I'm not going to say that. I bet it's great.
You could just lie. I've never seen a back.
You could just lie. It's very large, and we could have moved on.
Yeah, we could have moved on. Yeah, but by you saying, I'm not going to say that means micropenis.
No, I was just told you I've never seen a micropenis. Mr.
Aoki has a small micropenis. You've never seen one, but have any of your girlfriends seen one?

Yeah, they said one time she put her hand over it,

and she was jacking them off, and it wouldn't even peek through.

Yeah, and so she kind of had to do this.

If it wasn't a wreck, then that might happen.

Yeah, but what if she had a huge hand, you know?

Yeah.

This could have been a WNBA player. The giant female version.

The girl that got locked up in Russia, what was her name, the WNBA player the giant female version the girl that got locked up in Russia what was her name the WNBA player please not let down she could Greiner yeah Lindsay Greiner Greiner Greiner what's her name why can't I think of her name Brittany Greiner Brittany Greiner yes she's got probably hands that would make anybody's penis dwarf she's huge she was in China right China, right? No, she was in Russia. Oh, Russia.

She got arrested over there, I think.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But did you imagine a WNB...

Like, I saw Kevin Hart just posted a photo of him

with a famous athlete who's 6'4", this girl.

You know, and it was like,

shout out to short kings everywhere.

And he didn't even come up to, like, her waist.

And I thought, can you imagine?

Like, what if you, Bobby Lee,

what if you fell in love with, like,

a 6'4", 6'5", chick? I matched with a girl on Raya that's 6'1". That's me.
Okay. No, no, I'm saying it's me.
I'm that girl. I was pretending.
Was that you? I matched you. Oh, fuck.
I swiped yes. Yeah, I swiped yes.
But she was 6'1", and I was just like, and I think I didn't pursue it because I thought maybe what? I think in bed I'd be fine with it but publicly I just can't like bring her into the comedy store well what if she puts you on her back all the time wherever you go she goes up up like a little trick you guys can do tricks at the beach like those people that do tumbling and stuff because one time me and Sarah because Because one time me and Sarah, you know, because Sarah was five. Ten.
Ten. She's pretty tall.
Yeah, and we were in Hawaii. We were holding hands on the beach.
And a bunch of jocks walked by us and they go, he paid for her. Well, in a sense.
No. In a sense.
And it hurt my, it really broke me. In a sense, though.
Okay, stop. Okay.
I'll go there. No, no, no.
I will go there, but I just need time to get in there. But in a sense.
It's a scary door. In a sense.
All right. So I'm in a haunted mansion.
That's what this is. All right.
I see the scary door. There it is.
I'm creeping up to it. I open it up.
Right. And then here we go.
Here we go. So what the fuck do you mean? What the fuck do you mean? In a sense, in a sense, most times you date somebody.
What? Most times when you date somebody. Me specifically or anybody? A lot of men, but you definitely are paying for a high majority of the stuff.
So you're kind of paying for them. But that's chivalry.
Some would say. What do others say? What do others say? It's cuckery, perhaps.
It's cuckery? It's cuckery, perhaps. See, I make the women always pay.
Every girl I've ever dated, I've never paid for one thing. So you're telling me.
I say you pay for the meals. You pay the rent i'm not paying for nothing because people you know when people say online like kalilah or sarah's only going out with bobby lee because he has money first of all i don't have that much money and secondly well i have okay yeah i have okay money i think you're fine right but secondly dude it's like really because you know what about a night you know you I'm a nightmare.
Yeah. Yeah, you know my life, right? Yeah.
You know the smells. Yes.
My sleeping habits. Yes.
My eating. Everything is a fucking nightmare, right? You know what cures it? What? Pussy.
And my point is a woman has to endure all of my behaviors, and that means that they love me. They do love you, but you do have to pay for everything.
You're right. You're right.
You pay. Do you split stuff with your husband, Liz? No, he pays.
He pays for everything. So in a sense.
He's like me. The jocks would walk by and go.
Micro penis. They'd see her and see her husband and go, he paid for that.
Yeah. But they're not wrong.
Yeah, but they implied that she was a prostitute and that I paid. They're not wrong.
No. But I know that you and your wife, you pay for everything.
Yeah. Yeah.
So you're the same. If a guy walked by and saw her and saw me and goes, he paid for her.
You better believe it. I'll tell you why they would never say that.
I think they said it because at that time, Sarah was a beautiful, she's still beautiful. Do you think they think she was out of your league is what you're saying? That's what they're saying.
And people think that. And I always think like, but.
That's not true. Like, look, of the girls that you've been dating in your recent life, I think you deserve all of them.
And they're all beautiful. Now, but back then I wasn't doing well.
You mean physically? No, just just in terms of my career. No one really knew who I was.
But that doesn't matter. I think looks-wise is what we're talking about.
Oh, you think so? Out of your league means physically. When people look at each other, they go, she's out of his...
Like, Andreas' wife is out of his league. That's true.
And I mean that... And I'm not even making a joke on the show.
Yeah. It's fucking unreal.
Yeah. And she pays for everything.
Huh? And she pays for everything. Yeah yeah which makes me question her what's really going on yeah is she on witness protection program sort of program for like data fucking weirdo you know well a foreign read you know what it is i think it's a rehabilitation she murdered someone when she was young and they're like we'll let you back in a society you have to take in a foreigner who's kind of like a oh la la yeah he says oh la la when he comes but liz yes you're 24 and you've been married for how long did we know that you were married no no one asked that last time but wait a minute you're married for how long i'm about to go five years in august this month so you got married when you were 19 19 and what does he do he does insurance how old how old is he he's, he's 24 too.
I'm actually five days older than him. You met at church? No, we met in high school.
Oh, high school. Sweeties.
Is he the only guy you've been with? Sexually? Yeah. That's also...
Is that too personal? Yes. Yeah, it is.
No, it's her call. It's whatever she wants to answer.
I'm proud to say that.

Okay.

That's awesome.

You're proud to say it?

That's amazing.

Yeah, I'm very proud to say that.

Now, did you guys, this is interesting.

Now, you planned, because a lot of people lose their virginity.

No, a lot of people lose their virginity in lame ways, right?

Like, people are like, I wish it didn't happen that way.

I feel like a lot of women go.

Ask her if he's white.

He is white, right?

No.

Whoa! What kind? What kind? Ask her what kind? What kind is he? Wait, let me guess. He's Chinese.
Nope. Let me guess.
The best kind. He's Korean.
Korean. He's Japanese.
Hard no. He's Japanese.
No. He's Taiwanese.
Not an Asian. I'm not playing this game right now.
Just tell be a million things. What knees does he have? Yeah, yeah.
Dirty knees. He's a Mexican.
Oh, wow. Oh, what a loophole.
What a switch. It was like an M.
Night Shyamalan movie. That's Bane and Switch.
That was insane. That really was.
I had no idea that was going to happen. I didn't know the ending would turn out that way.
Well, M. Night, that was good.
She opened the door, and I thought, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, but instead it was instead it was... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Mexican.

From here.

From Southern California.

And your parents must be very...

Huh?

Your parents are disappointed.

Yeah, a little bit.

We're both from Arizona.

Yeah, Arizona.

Arizona.

Wait a minute.

So you met this guy in high school and you date the entire time you were together in high school?

No, we did not. We met freshman year and then he made it very clear to me that he wanted to date me and i didn't date him and then the last year of senior year i was like he's really cool and i took him out to homecoming and he never went and i always go every year and we kind of just kicked it off from there wow that's wild and then and then so wild.
And then so right after high school, you said, well, let's get married.

Like a year after my college, my first year of college, yeah.

We were like, let's get married.

And we got married.

Wow.

Wow.

Is there a baby coming?

No baby.

Don't want babies either.

You guys don't want them, both of you?

No, not anytime soon.

Maybe late 30s or something like that.

Yeah, what is wrong with me?

Because it's like, you know, I know, that wasn't even in my thinking.

What?

At her age.

Getting married?

Yeah.

It wasn't even an option, really.

Well, there's a bunch of stuff going on right now.

First of all, you were smoking crack at that point in your life.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But crack is better than marriage.

Marriage.

Yeah.

Also, yeah.

Someone's like, you want to keep smoking?

Have you ever had crack?

Way better.

Way better than marriage.

Never.

And there's almost no difference, by the way.

They're pretty similar.

No, can you imagine, though?

I can't imagine it.

I had no money.

Yeah, why would you want to get into it?

Yeah, and then I...

Well, no one wanted to fuck me anyway.

I think that's the first problem.

Except for The Rock.

The first problem was...

The Rock loved you.

Oh, yeah, I fucked crack.

You fucked a lot.

I fucked crack, but in terms of the females,

they didn't want to go out with me. So there was no option in that way.
But even if I did date somebody, there's just no way. I had no money.
I was like, I had to figure out financial and all that stuff first. Yeah.
Well, your parents are rich? No. His parents are rich? No, not at all either.
Wow. So are you guys struggling? Was the wedding tough? We had a civil wedding, and then his mom wanted to have a backyard wedding to invite.
Yeah, you said she was Mexican. Yeah.
Oh, backyard. Yeah.
They sometimes do them in the front yards. From time to time, yes.
Front yard wedding. I've seen those before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes.
Well, congratulations, AOP. That is awesome.
Now, what was in the pinata that you broke during the wedding? There were some lollipops. A couple of lollipops.
The little strawberry and chocolate pudding. None of the candy that the wrapper melts in your mouth for you or no? Oh, no, no, no, no.
We didn't really have much of my pochi. Okay.
No mochi. No boba or nothing? No bobi, nothing.
No mochi, no boba? No, none of that. Well, the wedding was a beautiful affair, I'm sure, and I'm sorry that we weren't invited because we didn't know you then.
But would you have invited us? Like now that you know us, would you invite us? Of course I would invite you. We wouldn't go.
No, we wouldn't go. Would you let us, would you let Bobby and I officiate the wedding? That would be fucking amazing.
That would be we should officiate weddings yeah and

also i've never seen in a wedding where you know how that does it you know how they add the priest

preacher asks is a priest or whatever okay who gives a shit who gives a shit and they ask is

there anybody in the audience that uh if there anybody wait it says if anybody in the audience

if anybody object objects to this something like that say please speak now or forever hold your

peace yeah but how come nobody says anything i always want to say something what would you say i don't like it how about this here it is yeah yeah if anybody if anyone sir let me get there okay if anyone objects to these two falling in love sir one moment if anyone objects to these two falling in stop shooting fireworks inside one moment. If anyone objects to these two falling in love.
Stop shooting fireworks inside the church. They're flares.
Flares. Anyway, this is a great sketch.
He never even gets to finish it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, if any, sir, please. Yeah, yeah.
Waving a flag. Yeah.
What would you say? Okay, how about this? This is a bad scenario, but it's real. Imagine Kalilah's getting married.
Uh-oh. And you're there.

There's no way.

What would you say?

I'm the preacher, by the way.

I'm going to marry Kalilah and her new husband.

Yeah.

If anyone objects in here to these two being lawfully married, speak now, forever hold

your peace.

I would go right here.

Yes.

Oh, yes, sir.

And everyone would go.

I have a question to Kalilah.

Everyone would go.

Yeah.

Hey, Kalilah, I have a question.

Yes, what's up?

Who do you think I should use as my next host for Tiger Valley?

Because obviously this is done.

And then she was like, what?

Yeah, Steph Tolove.

I have a list of people.

Because this is definitely a betrayal. All right, this is if she does what if she does get married she won't in the next couple of years i don't think so what if would you allow it or would you protest the marriage would you stand outside on the steps because you know i'll be i'm brothers in arms with you i'll do whatever you want i would no i mean you want the honest truth and not comedy version i like comedy more more than anything.
I know exactly. No, no.
Give me whatever you want. So what's the question? What's the question? It will hurt.
In two years. It would hurt.
Three years if she said. It would hurt.
But would you go? I have to go. You have to go.
I have to go. I don't think you have to go.
I still do things with the family that I don't want to do, but I do anyway. Right.
Because I just feel like it's a part of my family.

It's a part of...

It is a part of your family.

Yeah, so it's like,

like I'm going to go to Hawaii next week.

Do I want to go?

I don't really, not really,

but I'm going to go

because they're going to be there

and I want to participate.

That's not what she said.

What'd she say?

She said that you asked to go.

You know, Andreas,

it's funny.

I literally, you know, at times, at times, Andreas, it's funny. I literally,

you know,

at times,

dude,

at times,

dude,

I have no idea

whose team you're on.

I don't know whose team he's on.

He's changed.

Yeah, yeah.

Ever since he got naturalized,

once he got his citizenship,

this guy's acted like

a fucking dickhead.

You know,

for me,

as a producer,

I would go where the money is.

Yeah.

And I would go

where the numbers are.

That's right.

Right?

But not this guy. Uh-uh.
He doesn't want to make a living. Nope.
Right? And you want to play fire, then. And guess what happens? You get burned, baby.
You get burned, you son of a bitch. Yeah, yeah.
So anyway- Those loud shirts aren't going to save you this time. So what happened? What'd you hear? That she forced you to go.
Very good. Very good.
Good boy. Now you're learning.
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ZocDoc.com slash badfriends. I don't think I would say this.
I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. The truth is this, okay OK, is that first of all, in order for her to get married, she would really have to fall in love because she's much like me.

Right. It takes a it takes it's a long journey to her heart.

Yeah. And if some guy is was going to be able to weather the mountainous regions.

Right. And the valleys and swim the oceans to her heart, then I would obviously support it.
Right. You know what I mean? Unless it was...
Unless it was... If it was somebody...
What if it was someone we know? That's what I'm saying. If it was a guy that I know and I feel like there's some sort of like trickery...
Like Ian Edwards. That could happen.
Yeah, because he's good looking. He's cool.
He's suave. The other night she was like.
He's smooth. He's so funny.
And she saw Ian from far away. And she goes, is that Ian? I go, yeah.
She goes, oh, I'm going to go say hi. And she ran over.
And then she also hugged Jamar neighbors. Well.
What? You think they poke? I think they thought about it. Yeah.
Jamar is jacked if If it was either Ian or Jamar I would be fine with it Marriage? Yeah Oh Because it'll never happen I gotta tell you What? I know Well if you and your wife I know you would handle If you and your wife Yeah Gets a divorce Uh huh Okay Yeah Would you support our marriage? You to my wife.

As a punishment.

As a punishment.

For her.

Would you end the bad friends?

No.

See, that's how deep we run.

That's how deep we run.

But also, I would know that not only

What are you doing?

I've never seen you do this before.

This is insane. This is insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went mafia.
Yeah. So this is my.
Yeah, so what would I do? Not only do I know I wouldn't have to give up a dime on my money. I would then start taking more of your money.
Yeah, if you started boning my ex-wife, I would just take more. I would never even consider it.
No, that's insane. That's insane, yeah.
And vice versa. Thank you and vice versa yeah thank you and vice versa of course yeah yeah of course what did you try to start the show with you try to jam something down our throats what was at the beginning there was a couple in spain that had just a baby and the guy discovered that the baby is a little person and the guy is not a little person so the and the woman had a bachelor party what they hire a little person.
So the, and the woman had a bachelor party. What? They hire a little person to party with them.
And obviously, she fucked the little person. Whoa.
Wait, can I, let me ask you, before you even Google it, all right, I just have to ask a question about little people. Yeah, please.
May I? You're a doctor. Yes.
And a scientist. Yes, yes, yes me Right So can two Full size Full size I think you're The terminology Can two king size candy bars Make the fun size Yeah yeah yeah Can they make a twin bed My point is Is that Yeah Yeah Can they Can two Full size Yeah Even if In the history of their genetics Yeah There's no.
You think that can happen? No, no, no. I think it needs to be in the blood somewhere.
Oh, so like if the great, great uncle was a little guy. It's got to be in the blood.
It's got to be in the blood. Are you sure? I'm almost positive.
Yeah. Yeah.
We can always call. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We can always call the source. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, yeah, call the little man.

Yeah.

The little guy we know.

You know, imagine if I called him and even the phone ring, it was like, bling, bling,

bling, bling, bling.

Sorry, I made you.

Oh, come on.

But look, look at this.

Most occurrences of dwarfism result from a random genetic mutation in either the father's sperm or the mother's egg, rather from either parent's complete genetic makeup.

So it can just happen.

Interesting. So it can just happen.
So in this this situation are you sure it's the little guy we'll read the article because the article looked pretty damning okay go ahead look at this this says bride to be becomes pregnant after having sex with dwarf stripper on hen night that's what they call you know they call a hen hen and stag uh and a husband only realizes when she gives birth. Wow.
What do you do? What do you do? What do you do? Your wife? Your wife gives birth. Well, I would fuck.
First, I would get revenge. I would go to the shop here.
I don't know what the tickets are to Middle Earth. It's got to be pretty expensive.
Yeah, and then I go, hey, do you guys have any, like, Chip and Daly hobbits or whatever running around here? You're talking about Elliot. Yeah.
I go to Elliot. He's up the hill doing push-ups.
And those doors, you know what I mean, they're circular. Yeah, they're low to the ground.
Yeah, yeah, they're circular doors. You know what I mean? Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, right? For you to get in, you gotta do like the Sonic, you know when he ducks down, he...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would just have a little discussion with him.
Just a chat. I mean, he would, first of all, bring out the bread and the butter.
He'd love it, right? He'd love the food. So he would bring out, you know what I mean? He's like, here's your loaf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, I would probably get some sort of like kombucha out of a barrel.
Oh, yeah. Because he loved to ferment things.
He loved ferment stuff. Right? You know, maybe I would change my voice too.
You know what I mean? Yeah, because you're there. You have to change your voice.
Get to his level. my fiance's Bachelorette party What went on buddy? Fuck the shit out of her Alright bye Really? Cookies? They're fresh baked We're in so trouble Can we put that out? First of all We're friends with many of them little people yeah we love no wiki uh brad william homies and they know how to joke around yeah so get out of here with tanya lee davis i know yeah they're home these people are home we man who honestly uh i i don't know how i would feel if on the bachelorette party she gets pregnant with a stranger? That would shatter your whole world.

At the bachelorette party?

Yeah. That would shatter my world.

It's so on the nose. You fucked

a stripper at the bachelorette party?

It's gotta be the other way. You know how many guys

I bet you hook up with some random

chick at a bachelorette party and they knock them up?

I bet you that happens all the time.

All the time. What would you do?

I mean it's just you leave time. Yeah.
All the time. What would you do? I mean, it's just, like, you just leave immediately.

I mean, you go right.

I mean, you're holding the baby.

You look at it.

Do you just drop it?

I mean, what happens?

I mean, I would just put it back.

I go, doctor, scalpel?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

No, we're getting in trouble for that.

Oh, I'm kidding.

I know you're kidding.

I know.

I'd give it right back to her.

I'd go, oh, okay, and then leave. That's it.
Well, you wouldn't use both just one hand you go oh here you go I would leave him stick it on her shoulder would you stick around fancy what if the baby that you just had came out and you obviously was not your baby I know what he'd do what would you do he's like I'm willing to raise the baby as my own she She's like, it's not yours. And she's adamant about it.

She's like, it's not.

I got fucking plowed.

She's like, I went to a sex party and I got destroyed by five Mexican men.

Not Spanish because you know that would cut to his core.

Yeah.

I would have to be the bigger man and accept the baby.

You would.

No fucking way.

No fucking way, right? No fucking way. Someone else's kid.
No fucking way. There he is.

No fucking way, right?

No fucking way.

No fucking way. Someone else's kid?

No fucking way.

But you know what I would do?

I'd go find the guy

and I'd be like,

you gotta fucking take care

of this kid with her.

This is your kid.

What if he's like,

nah, man.

I ain't doing shit.

I go, okay.

Well, then you've ruined a life.

So be it, dog.

I don't know why he's like that. All of a sudden, like that And then I'd be like You're pretty cool Yeah You wanna hang out Yeah man And then I'd befriend the kid I'd befriend him more I don't talk to my wife and my baby And then you move in with him Him and I just to start a relationship And then she has to raise the baby on her own As me and him Become best friends That's a good revenge Wow what That's the best revenge Yeah him and I are homies Yeah you find love With the guy You know what I mean Yeah and then.
That's a good revenge. Wow, that's the best revenge.
Yeah, him and I are homies. Yeah, you follow love.
You know what I mean? Yeah, and then there's a court battle. You're trying to get the baby back.
So that me and him can raise it together. Leave her out of it.
Amazing. That's ice cold.
That's ice cold. That's actually very cool.
That's the best revenge. Yeah, and we could do it in a place in California where we're like, we're a new gay couple.
Right. This woman is, she is spontaneous.
She's irresponsible. Yeah.
Him and I, we want to raise this child together.

Together, yeah.

She's out.

That's a good movie idea. That is a great fucking movie idea.

Right?

That is great.

That's the best revenge.

I think that's, I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

I think that's right.

I think Sandler already did it.

Oh, they did?

Oh.

Yeah, imagine your kid comes out and it's not yours.

By the way, this does happen a lot.

Yeah.

This happens all the time.

Uh-huh. And it's not your kid.
tell me before the nine fucking months that's crazy if you think it might not be my kid yeah wouldn't you fucking tell me you'd wait till it comes out yeah and also think about this that's why i wish like mythology is right yeah because then what if like mythological creatures were like in our world so then you would definitely know yeah it's a minotaur look at that look it's a look at the face the face is a full-blown bowl there's a bowl right and there's no way to deny it with it with the with the with the with the dwarf right you said it could happen it could it's possible but if if literally the baby comes out and it's got like a fishtail you when you were in fucking when you went on that boat with your friends you fucked a mermaid didn't you you know i mean there's no way to get out of it no they know i wish mythology was cool was real real i mean real i mean it is cool as shit yeah i do wish it was real i wish we were amongst eight why don't they let the aliens out? You'd be a great minotaur Centaur You'd be a good centaur What would you be? What do you think? You'd be a little A cherub What do cherubs look like? Google it A little tiny cherub This is 100% you If I could pick anything You're a cherub That's Bobby Lee Oh I'm a fucking cherub Yeah dude I'm a fucking cherub for sure You're the most cheruby dude I know Yeah look at that Look at that Look at that Do they have them in Asia? You know a cherub That's you Dead on cherub right? Do you know what cherubs do? You do it You do it They think No I'm not cherubic Well do a fucking centaur Yeah Dude You're cherubic You know why? i'm not cherubic we'll do a fucking uh center yeah dude you're cherubic you know why because they think and they eat and they're cute and their little butts are always out that's right their little butts are always out right that's me and you that's us dude oh my god oh my god dude somebody has to make a t-shirt or art with you as a centaur and me as a cherub. Dude, that is 100% us.
That's us, dude. That's bad friends.
That is bad friends. I would advise you around all around town.
All day. All around town.
And where do you want to go? We would wave to Gandalf, Voldemort, whoever's around. You know what would happen if this is you and I? What? We'd be traveling through the land, and at some point I'd be talking, talking, talking.
I'd turn around. You're sleeping.
You're not awake.ubs sleep i know a lot we love lips but i can't look i can't really turn all the way around and like a guy who has a neck brace on so i can't tell if you're looking at me but that's why i do it you know i mean because i know you can't you hide behind my head yeah yeah that's amazing by the way i went to a museum where are they going wherever the fuck they want no but they're going somewhere look at that look at the look at the fuckingaur's body language. Can you pinch and zoom on that so I can see up close? Let's zoom in up there.
Oh, I know what's going on. And she's looking at him.
Wait a minute. I've got my hands behind my back.
Oh, we were playing cops and robbers. No.
No. What happened? They're fucking.
What? Look at my lip. Look, my dick's not even erect.
You can it No, I know but look at well first of all number one Oh, you're about to you know where a centaur's butthole is you're right. It could be mid back So wait a minute you're about to pull my hair.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's sexual dude.
It is it's so sexual You're like put your hands behind your back. Yes, officer.
What a big dick on that centaur, huh? Huge. Huge.
Well, it is a horse. Yeah, but half man, half horse.
So what if you got a man dick with a horse bottom? That'd be fucking crazy, dude. Such a bummer.
That would be such a bummer. You got big horse balls, but a small piece.
Or what about this? Even better yet, right? What if you're full, regular bottom half horse, right? But you're a dwarf. sticking you're just kind of sticking out like they're like look at the fucking headless look at the headless horse oh no no that's a fucking dwarf's head door or even vice versa right yeah what if you had the bottom half of a dwarf and you're a fucking minotaur Morgan and Morgan

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I went to a museum this past weekend.

Yeah, I love it.

And it's so funny when you see these sculptures of these naked men because the women's bodies are always pretty shit. Look, they're just pudgy, lumpy, and they don't really like – but with the men, they always sculpt the muscles.
Even if they weren't that muscly, they sculpt them like they were all in perfect shape. Also, there was no photographs back then, so they had to have a guy to stand there and model it.
With his dick out. Yeah.
I know. For like three weeks.
Just like that. Yeah, just hurry, dude.
Like, look. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you do? Oh, that's a fine. That's David.
Oh, David's hot, dude. Little dick, but still.
That was the biggest trick about seeing that live. What do you mean? Seeing Michelangelo's David in person.
Oh, in person. It's weird because it is a comically small penis.
It's almost like he was taking a shot at him. Imagine if he did your body and you're like, what about the dick? And he's like, dick is last, dick is last.
And you're like, oh, really? Okay, great. You see this? You see this? And then you go, can I see it? And he's like, no, no, no.
I will come back. Right.
And then you get into there and then zoom in. That's what he does of you.
And the last day, David brings more marble. He just comes with a bunch of marble.
It's like, all right, can you do the dick now? I brought more for you. No, no, it's complete.
It's complete. Are you sure? No, I am sure.
But look at how buff he's jacked. Jacked.
And you could have given him... I mean, the balls are so much bigger than the wiener.
Zoom in on just the penis. But that's what all the statues look like at the museum I just went to.
It's a bummer. It's like, just make it...
Look at how big his hands! Look at his hands! Look at how big his fucking hands are. Also, can I just say that? Didn't it have Manscaped back then? No.
Look at that bush. Look at that bush.
It's like a cauliflower. Somebody get this guy, the Lawnmower 3.0 already.
Look at that thing, man. I mean, it is incredible that you think he would go back to him and be like, Michelangelo, please.
Please. This would be cemented in history forever.
Please. Make it just a little bit bigger.
That's so funny. You're right.
There was that thing. Of course there was that conversation.
I would rather, if I was sculpted like this back then, I'd rather them do no dick, because some of them, they do no dicks. They just do no dicks.
Much rather no dicks than accurate dick. Oh, you know what I would do? If I was Michelangelo? Not Michelangelo.
Who's the, David? David, yeah. When they're showing it, right? When you know they reveal it, there's a revealing part.
The sheet comes down? The sheet comes down, right? But if I was David, I would just walk around naked. And good luck.
It's a bigger... It's way bigger than that one.
This cannot be accurate. This cannot be accurate.
We ran out. Marble is a shortage right now.
That's what I do. That's so funny to walk around your dick out.
You walk around naked around your own satire. Just to prove it.
Yeah, so that people just spread it around. I don't look...
You know I don't look like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're calling out to women. You're like, Sharice, Sharice.
Tell him my dick is nice. I am a grower at the show, okay? Yeah, that's.
Yeah. That's so funny.

That's so funny.

So where'd you see that?

At the museum here in LA?

I went to the,

I went to,

obviously I didn't see that.

I saw that when I was over there.

I just went to France.

I went to a museum.

Italy.

Italy.

Yeah.

I went to a museum here

called the Huntington Gardens.

Maybe one of the most,

honestly,

dude,

beautiful fucking piece of land

in Pasadena.

And it's stunning how much cool shit that they fucking have. But it's endlessly beautiful.
They've got a beautiful big. Wow.
You can walk around this huge piece of property. It's stunning, dude.
It's just, you know, it makes me feel multiple things. One, how the fuck did these people have this kind of money? Yeah.
Because they own, this must have been four acres of land, five acres of land. Beautiful.
At least, maybe more more i'm probably underestimating but they had a chinese garden they had a japanese they had the lily pad garden but can i say something but i saw so much cool art there when you see the art though yeah are you like me i don't look at the art you look at the people looking at the no i look at the building to see how i would be able to steal it yeah i think about that all that all the time. Do you think about that? Yeah, all the time.
Like what I would do? Or I think about what's the easiest way to steal. Right.
What could I get away with? Yeah, none of it. They had a Civil War letter from the Civil War.
Yeah. And it was like barely encased.
And I was like, whoa. How much is that? What's it worth? Yeah.
A couple hundred grand?

Not a Civil War letter.

An original letter from the Civil War?

Who signed it?

Some fucking jack.

If it's Abe Lincoln.

Duke him up Chang.

If it was Duke him up. Our old friend Duke him up Chang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He signed it.

Yeah.

No, I mean, it wasn't Lincoln, but like, hardly a lot of these letters are still around.

Yeah, just Google how much a fucking-

Oh, what does that say?

Civil War letter for sale.

How much?

200 bucks.

200 bucks.

200 bucks.

200 bucks.

That's how much it works.

Yeah, there's no way that's expensive.

200 bucks.

Yeah.

I'm talking Mona Lisa, dude.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm talking about-

Wait, click on that.

There's no fucking way.

200 dollars, dude.

It's on eBay.

That's a spot at the improv.

Wait, I don't believe this.

Yeah, yeah. I don't believe this.
How much are those other ones? 135, 12 people watching. Here's the deal.
Here's the deal. You know this is not real.
That's the other thing. They can't verify this.
It's $135 for that letter. Okay, but a Civil War letter, what if it's done by someone of nobility? That's why I asked if it was from Abe Lincoln written to, you know what I mean? Who? Robert E.
Lee.

Abe Lincoln to Robert E. Lee.

Well, they were around the same time, right?

Yes, they were.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Click Civil War letter from Abe Lincoln.

Let's see if maybe that's what it was, and I just don't know the difference.

I wonder what that would be worth.

Let me guess.

Nothing less, more than 50 grand.

An Abe Lincoln letter? Yeah. 85K.
Closer to mine than yours. Yeah, 85K.
Why would I think it'd be so much more money? It's not. Like 85K, because also, if you get caught, you're in prison for a while.
How long? So you wouldn't do it. A couple years? A couple years.
Two years. Two years.
Yeah, but you know what? With our kind of status, the judge will be a Bad Friends fan and be like, that's it, Mr. you're in deep trouble just quarter journey pull me side and be like you're good dude yeah you're just don't do it again just don't do that kind of fucking crazy shit i mean 85 grand 85 grand that's it i cannot believe i thought for sure it's worth no when i was in tampa i went to the um um dali salvador dali yeah you guys went to there by myself i took a fucking fucking What do you call those? Bird scooter I went down there I paid Me I mean Me Yeah You know I don't do nothing I know Yeah In the heat I went there I thought about you yesterday In this exact same scenario Really? When I was at the museum I thought I'd love Bobby to come here But he would never come to this but I do sometimes you do sometimes when it comes to museums I do yeah you do yeah and I walked around and I looked at but it's like I can watch it look at it for five seconds and that's it Salvador Dali doesn't hit you in any art any art yeah I can't I look at the art I go okay okay I got it what do you do

you do this you do this I go like this you know how girls do this I do this she goes like this what do you look for what I like to see see, like if it's a, like look up, you know, like Renoir. Or you know what? Yeah, Renoir.
Renoir. Yeah, look up Renoir.
I like Renoir. Yeah.
Yeah. It's like if I see a Renoir, it's like at face value, right? You see something pretty, like this, right? Zoom in.
I would see something pretty monotonous okay right yeah but then but then what you really get in there zoom in a little bit more then you get in there and then you start looking at the guy in the boat and i imagine what he's saying to that man so that's what i'll start to do i'll start to go what's that conversation because this was taken from a real piece of life like this stupid little bitch in the front i don't give a fuck about her that little idiot she picked these flowers look at her mom she's pissed because there was a sign that said oh so the mom obviously dresses the kid the kid doesn't mean wearing a flower hat no that's the mom yeah but obviously there was a sign that said don't pick the flowers and there's a guy now talking to the mom that's going i told you lady for the fifth fucking time you can't pick the flowers and she's pretending not to hear oh the ladies are karen yeah she had karen's pretends. They had Karens back then.
We'll just go pick where we want to pick. My great-grandfather used to live on this lake.
Oh, so you, there's scenarios. 100%.
That's my favorite thing to do in ours. With a fucking, you know what I mean? Dali, you can't do that.
A melting clock can't yell, you know what I mean? And a fucking giraffe. Okay, you're saying if it's any sort of like hyper-realism.
Hyper-real, you can't do that. I can do scenarios like that.
Okay, zoom in that. What do you imagine? This is called The Great Masturbator.
I know this piece. Yeah, yeah.
And I got to tell you something. Yeah.
After staring at this one time in a college dorm room for a while, I saw this image in my head when I jerked off for about a month and a half. Really?'t stop seeing this yeah because it's called the great masturbator yeah oh i see the head now but some people interpret her sniffing a dick that's what that's what i've heard she sniffs dick right what's okay let me just ask you some questions but see i do want to stare at this for longer because there's a lot going on like is that a horse hide is that a mohawk back there? Yeah, you're right.
And why is the tail on a chain? I'll go back. See what I'm saying? Yeah, I'll go back.
You and I have never done things like this. I want to.
In the fall. Let's make a list.
You and I will do, in the fall. In the fall.
Museum one. Love.
You know what? I've never had ice cream with with you i'd love to have ice cream with you have we ever had an ice cream no but can we feed each other see we have desserts together at dinner we do we don't we never go to our ice cream shop no and i would love to share a banana split with you get out are you being serious can we pull the banana in our mouth and just at the same time suck the banana from both ends well promise me this there's two bananas on each side we work on one banana at a time fine I don't be stuck on one banana you're gonna suck on the other banana I know you get one and I get together you suck on the same banana yeah yeah yeah so what else have we done together we haven't picnic we've never picnicked dude you and I have never picnicked why haven't we sat under a tree and ate something? In a blanket. On a basket.
In a basket. I don't know why.
And Carlos can serve us. Yeah.
He's our little waiter. Yeah.
Okay, so Carlos can do that. Okay, so picnicking.
Museum. We never shared a fucking banan split.
Shared ice cream sundae. Do you want to fly a kite together? Dude.
I would love to fly a kite together. I've never flown a kite with you before, dude.
Why haven't we done that? Because I think that it would be a competition. Look at how big my fucking kite is.
Yeah, whose kite's bigger? We can't do that. We have to get equal kites.
Can we play tag in a field of sunflowers? Can I frolic? I want to frolic with you. Dude, I've never frolic with you.
Actually, you know what I would love to do with you? And I'm not kidding. Skinny dip at a waterfall.
I'd love to skinny dip at a waterfall. I've never done that with you.
I would love to do that with you. Can we like fuse that in with the picnic? Yeah.
Yeah, let's just get, you kill two birds with one stone, why don't we? And then maybe we'll bring a painting. Yeah.
You know what else I want to do? What? I want to go to a little puppy place and play with puppies together. You know what else I want to do with you? Pottery.
Dude. Who sits in back? Who sits in front? Should we do? In the back, I wouldn't get any piece of the pottery.
That's the funniest part. Like I want to be able to touch the fucking.
It'd be like a motorcycle. You'd be hugging onto my hips.
I know. I got to be in the front because I want some of the vase.
Correct. Right? Okay.
But you can be behind me. We've never done that before.
No. And I want to do, I want to, I want to be, I want I want to have my foot On the wheel though Right So I can spin it The ghost You and I should remake ghost Dude Let's remake ghost You and I dude Look at that Oh my god Look at that Look at his arms Look at his arms He was so fucking sexy Dude he was the woman I got turned on By that scene so much And it wasn't because of her I gotta tell you She wasn't looking that good in that scene She really wasn't Yeah What Demi Moore wasn't? She looks fine But she doesn't look like him Look at how hot We can reenact this shit Much better than they could How come we've never reenacted this shit I don't know I really want to You know what you and I should do? A calendar With Famous movie scenes? Famous movie scenes dude Fancy Fancy Start it But I want it to be we want to get a photographer make it good to make it almost identical that's exactly what i want let's do it i'm dead serious i'm not kidding it's a good christmas gift it's a good christmas gift it's a great christmas yeah yeah so we do what are some other great scenes oh here we go well ghost okay so ghost is yes yeah yeah we are doing a ghost yeah i think we should do um basic instinct who's it's just one person spreading their legs.
Yeah, yeah. We are doing a Ghost show.
Yeah, I think we should do... Basic Instinct.

It's just one person spreading their legs.

Yeah, yeah.

It's got to be a two-person shot.

Aren't you a cinematographer?

Maybe the accused.

Okay.

I'll be on the pinball team.

I'll be on the pinball.

You are on the pinball machine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all the guys can be you.

We could like, you know what I mean?

Oh, you know what else?

What?

The Pulp Fiction scene where I'm the cop and you're Ving Rhames

and you have the ball gag in your mouth and I'm about to have sex. No, no.
You're the other guy. You're Bruce Willis.
Okay, okay. So we're both going to get fucked.
Yeah, we're both gagged. Yeah, we're both gagged.
That's you and me. That's you and I.
That's us. Dude, we got to do that, dude.
That's such a good shot. Yeah, and then we also get like, you know, we get ball caps and stuff.
Oh, dude, yes. We're doing all this.
No, but like a professional. We'll get Jen Aspinall, the Mad TV makeup person.
She won an Emmy. I want her to do this.
And we'll have her do it. What else do we do? This is great.
What else is famous two single, a shot? Brokeback Mountain. Great two shot.
A great two shot of Brokeback Mountain? We got to do a Brokeback Mountain scene. Brokeback Mountain for sure.
What other scenes can we do? Let's name a couple more. Let's do a couple more.
Because just so I want to get it out of my head. Yeah, let's do a, we have to do a Brokeback Mountain what other scenes can we do let's name a couple more because just like I want to get it out of my head yeah let's do a we have to do a sci-fi one right right but it has to be shining the twins twins we can do the twins we're the twins yeah that's hot we do the twins yeah we'll do the twins I like that that's so good all right well I know we'll do a list oh you know what there's one thing I definitely wanted to show you real fast.
Hold on one second. This is 1954.
Look at... Professional...
What is that? Wellfinder. ...the physical reaction to water is so strong that she is literally pulled this way and that in the direction of the underground stream she locates for Cornish farmers.
Since she discovered her gift three years ago, Catherine has located 300 deep boreholes and has been right 98 times in every hundred. Today, she is one of Britain's most successful professional water diviners.
Do you buy this? Or is this 1954 gobbledygook? No, that's real, dude. Look at that, look.
Dude, I'm like that, but with pussy. No, I'm like, there could be no one around.
No, don't be real. It could be no one around, and I can could be no one around and I can find it yeah you can find it you are good like that you have that special thing you can find it anywhere it is what is that? I don't know what it is that's your zhuzh I can smell it I can feel it my chromosomes change You start to shape shift a little bit.
Right. Yeah.
When you see good pussy, you start walking. Yeah, I start walking.
Whoa. When Bobby finds himself pussy in a crowd, he must topple over sometimes on his face.
So I relate to it. It's a sham.
It's such a sham. It's a sham, man.
But how did she trick so many people into finding wells? What you do is like, where are we going? Oh, we're going to this field. And she's there all night long.
Right? With a fucking stick. You know what I mean? I think this is, you know.
Yeah. Something's going on.
I don't know, man. They said 98% correct.
98%. She was only wrong 2% of the time.
That doesn't make sense. I know, but you know, some people have abilities that, you know.
Okay, how about this? You believe in the palm reader thing and all that stuff? like you know you see these palm readers of the time that doesn't make sense i know but you know some people have abilities that we you know okay how about this you believe in the palm reader thing and all that stuff like you know you see these palm readers all over los angeles do you believe in it no you think oh it's all cockamamie tea leaves no palm reader no um what about mind reading no what about what about um seance can you do you believe people can talk to the dead no you don't believe that at all? Oh, 100%. No, you don't.
You don't fucking believe that. Palm reading, no.
Because that's every Armenian woman I see on Hollywood Boulevard. Right.
But I do believe that there are certain people that have connections with the dead, the beyond. That I totally believe.
Well, then that goes into like, you know, do I believe in spirits? Do I believe in an afterworld do i do do i you do i do you do i think the spirit thing scares the shit out of me so i don't want to fucking think about have you ever been alone in your house and said something to your dad or talked or thought about your dad and then a thing has happened where you're like that's fucking weird have you ever had that no never my dad well and someone else that's dead in your fucking life i've never been in contact with the spirit world in that way but i have like been led the right direction in life right you think that might be their influence it could be i mean i do i do believe that like um here's as mystical as i get i believe that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. And I believe that there is some sort of like path.
And you don't know what it is, but you're on. There's just too many things that happened in my life where I went.
Yeah, that's just a weird coincidence. There's no way that's a coincidence.
That was like a divinely divine intervention. You believe in destiny.
I do. Divine intervention.
I'm supposed to be here right now. I'm supposed to be here in this moment with you right now and everything that led up to this moment.
I agree. I believe in this.
I think you can change little tiny elements of it. It's like the path is there,

but you could put on a jacket sometimes.

Yeah, but you sway between the two

because it's like then you watch documentaries

about World War II and you go,

oh my God, 16,000 kids died in this war.

What was their destiny?

To die in the war.

Yeah, exactly.

But I don't know what happened

in those minute moments when they were on the field. Right.
What do you mean? What happened when they were about to die? They were like, fuck, I'm going to die. No, no, no.
No, it's not beyond that. What is it? It's like, oh, fuck, my buddy Bill, you know what I mean, was just shot with shrapnel, you know what I mean? And he's on the ground.
And you crawl over to him, right? And you hold him. And you do things for him that he needs in that moment.
Maybe that was your purpose. Sure.
You know what I mean? And then right when you're holding Bill, you die. But then somebody, your cousin Larry holds you and Bill.
And somebody kills him. And eventually and somebody eventually like right a guy's holding 15 dudes at some point you've killed your whole family they're all dead i don't know i mean i don't know what happens i don't know why these things happen these dark things but it's like you know i still believe that there's some sort of path there is but i'm saying you believe it yeah i believe a big portion of it but i do think that like there are a lot of things are beyond our control but i think we have some control we make choices within our yeah but the choices are presented to us and that's that's what life is about but i'm saying they are presented but i don't think they're pre-picked i think they're presented and you kind of choose it and that helps continue on in this in this way i they're pre-picked.
You think they're all pre-chosen? Yeah.

Wow. Like for instance, maybe during

World War II, I would have gone to Canada.

You would have definitely gone.

And be a deserter. Yeah.
You'd desert too.

No. I would have fought.

No. You're a deserter, dude.

I would have left. You and I both.

Yeah. It would have been you and I together.

On a covered wagon. We're cowards.

Yeah.

Deserter? Oh yeah. Absolutely.
He's gone. Gone.
What about Aoki? I'm a deserter. Yeah, she's gone.
No one here would fight. Yeah, we're cowards.
We're unpatriotic pieces of shit. Well, it's like when I see those guys at the airport that are wearing the military garbs, I'm always like, thank you.
Thank you. No, I'm grateful they do it.
I can't believe someone's got the balls. But when Muhammad Ali goes the balls remember muhammad ali's like yeah i'm not gonna get drafted i'm not doing that and he could have just punched everybody but he got in trouble he didn't fight for four years because of that i know right but you know because of religious because he was a muslim yeah but it's also he was a super famous so it's kind of like he gets an exemption of like well we don't want this guy to die at war he war.
He is kind of like an international icon. Yeah, but you kind of need he wasn't gonna fight what they were going to use him for was to do a little show.
Well, he should have an exhibition or something. Do a show for the boys.
Yeah, but he didn't want to even do that. You should do a show for the boys.
But it's just like hired people to kill brown people. That has nothing to do with you.
Depends. Well, give me an example.
Well, Vietnam. World War II too because of the Holocaust.
Vietnam, we should have. I mean, man.
You know what I mean? These people. Look at them.
They won. Look how sneaky they are.
Yeah. What is up with trails? You really love trails.
These guys love trails guys love trails yeah they've read too many

children's books yeah about things in the woods yeah you know they could hide up in a tree for three months at least with no food at least with a banana and a diet coke you built your own house yeah the place you live now with your own two hands these hands right here you and your husband live in the same place yes you sleep in the same bed yes you share the same bathroom yeah are you in love i'm in love she is she's sung young love yeah i can't wait till you fall out of that though hey do you think it will no well you fall back in love it'll wane it'll it'll go through swings because you guys met when you're so young you're gonna change so much next couple years so you'll have big changes in your life you know he'll gay. You'll lose your vision.
What? I've already read your life book. He's coming out to you.
You're losing your eyesight. What would you do if he gets in a car accident and he's paralyzed from the neck down? Oh, I'm staying with him 100%.
No matter what? No matter what. What if he's just a head? I love that head.
Really? Wow. Really? 110%.
Where do they find people like this? They don't exist anymore. In Vietnam, baby.
In Vietnam. In Vietnam, they do it.
No, you're from Arizona. Relax.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
The Phoenix greater area. All right.
I want to say this. We are excited for the fall.
Yeah. I can't wait to get back out there.
And in fall we decided Bob and I we're going to do a picnic

we're going to do a museum

and also after an ice cream

but more importantly Fancy's going to start

working on this calendar that we're going to put together

so you guys can give it for Christmas gifts right?

Alright good that's it

Thank you for being a bad friend Um, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.