Aoki's Science Corner

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two are something.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. You know what? I have to contact everybody.
All right, let me say something, baby.

Speaker 2 You don't open the episode.

Speaker 2 I know what you're trying to do. You're funny.
You're not going to open the episode. Yeah, yeah, no.
You really don't. And here's the deal.
First of all, we're back. We're back.

Speaker 2 We're back to the OG days.

Speaker 2 It's me and Bob,

Speaker 2 and Fancy brought

Speaker 2 a sub,

Speaker 2 a substitute Asian, a smasian, a smasian, and she's back. The Liz is back.
What's her name? Lizzie Wynn. Lizzie Wynn.
That's her name.

Speaker 2 I love it. Lizzie Wynn is in the house.
Does anybody ever call you Lizzie?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They do.

Speaker 4 Like, because

Speaker 3 I go by like DJ, Lizzie Liz, and they're like, what's up?

Speaker 2 You're not a DJ. I'm not a DJ.
No.

Speaker 2 What would she play if she was a DJ? What do you mean? What kind of play? Steve Ayoki. She only.
Yeah. She is Steve Ayoki.
Oh, no. You kind of look like everyone.
Yeah, you look like Steve Ayoki.

Speaker 2 Is your new nickname Aoki? Aoki's in town. What's up? He does that too when he waves.

Speaker 2 Thank you for coming to the show. In Vegas, I've seen him do that.
Speaking of great Asian moves in Vegas, I want you to Google. That looks exactly like you, Liz.
There you are, Liz.

Speaker 2 No, your name's not Liz. It's Aoki.
Aoki, there you are. There you are.

Speaker 2 Hey, that headshot. Can you help me with your photographer? That was pretty cool.
I got you. Okay,

Speaker 2 hey, look up, look up Asian poker player

Speaker 2 Boob Falls out. This girl named Sashimi.
That's not her name.

Speaker 2 She goes by Sashimi.

Speaker 2 Her name is Sashimi. Look, click on it.
What is her name? What's her name? Click on one of the links and see. One of her boobs fell out

Speaker 2 during the. Is her last name Spring Roll?

Speaker 2 Sashimi.

Speaker 2 Look at her. Okay, that's not the photo.
I have a big pair. But look, it says wardrobe malfunction.
One of her boobs fell out of her shirt during the poker game. But what does it say her name is?

Speaker 3 Sashimi.

Speaker 2 No, Sashimi. Oh, Shashi.
Aren't you Asian? I am. What kind did we get? She's not real.
This is not a good one. You have Asian parents where you adopted? I have Asian parents.
Both of them?

Speaker 2 Yes. Are you sure?

Speaker 2 I have two Asian parents.

Speaker 3 I was raised by an Asian grandmother.

Speaker 2 So you should be really up to date.

Speaker 2 Super Asian. This is like when you do a software update on your computer.
Like, you should be really, this should be, we should be running it the highest. That's it right there.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So one of her tits just fell out at the poker table. Oh, dude, I thought you said, I thought you meant it fell off her body.

Speaker 2 So I'm like, what the fuck is it? Because I thought she had like an implant and it came out.

Speaker 2 Oh, it just came out? No, but look, though. And this guy, this poor bastard,

Speaker 2 look at this idiot trying so hard to not look at her tits. Poke her face.
Yeah, poke her face. Poke her face.

Speaker 2 Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good fancy.

Speaker 2 But look at that. Sashimi raised to 3,000

Speaker 2 and 5,000 per tit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Pretty incredible.

Speaker 2 It's a good move. How do you know this? Huh?

Speaker 2 The World Series of Poker is going on right now. You watched this? Nah, but it just made the news.
Oh, did it? So a friend told me about it. He was like, did you see this video on the internet?

Speaker 2 Because I thought maybe you were a fan of Sashimi. I do like Sashimi.
Yeah. I love it.
I like Nigiri just as much. Nigiri's pretty good.
Nigiri got kicked out of the tournament quickly. Nigiri.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Sashimi is going to last way longer than Nagiri.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen the card trickery of Omakase?

Speaker 2 Do you know him? You don't know what's coming. That's the best part about it.
All right, we'll be right back. After sushi jokes.

Speaker 2 Should we do some sushi jokes?

Speaker 2 But I want to say something about something. Why do they say to you,

Speaker 2 Yeshamasei, what does that mean? Ashamase? When you walk into a sushi joint, they go, Oshamase, they did it. They think that that's your name.
They think my name is Ashamase.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I've never heard that before. Yes, you have.

Speaker 2 They think your name is Shashamase. Then why do I say it back? That'd be like.
They think that you're like Teretzi or I'm weirdo.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah, yeah.
That's like them going, Andrew. Andrew? Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's what they think. Ishamasei, what does it mean? You guys know? You know what that is.
They did it on Curb Your Enthusiasm an episode.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it means, but

Speaker 2 can we talk about eel sauce?

Speaker 2 What about it? Why do they even use it? It's for white people. Whites don't like it.
I don't like it. Well, yes, dude, I'm not white.
You can't go to Japan and go, eh, can I have eel sauce?

Speaker 2 No, I would never do that. Yeah, yeah, I'm just saying, I don't know.
But what I'm saying is that I don't know anybody likes it, right? And yet, it's like if you get a crispy rice with tuna,

Speaker 2 you have to say,

Speaker 2 does that come with eel sauce? And they go, oh, yeah, it does. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, no, then. Get it off.
And they're like, boil on.

Speaker 2 Because no one, you know why they give it to us? Why? Because they don't eat it over there. They ship it to America and they're like, maybe eat here.
Yeah. They think we're going to eat all.

Speaker 2 Is it eel? It's eel. What is eel sauce?

Speaker 2 You know what? Let's guess.

Speaker 2 Like, if they made

Speaker 2 sunshine cream.

Speaker 2 If it was sunshine cream, I would eat it. But eel sauce.
I think it's eel tears. Thickened and sweetened soy sauce says perfect for dipping.
It's also unagi sauce. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's thickened sweet sauce by using what? It doesn't have any eel products. No.
Oh, it's like Panda Express. Oh, shit.
You know, you go to Panda Express. Can I have the panda?

Speaker 2 And they don't have it because it's just the name. It's just sake, mirin, sugar, and sauce.
It's a lie. It does.
No, it feels like there's eel in there. No.

Speaker 2 There's no eel. No, I don't think so.
Why do they call it eel sauce?

Speaker 3 I think it's because I used to work at a pokey place and they always, you know,

Speaker 3 they always dress it, dress the eel in that sauce.

Speaker 2 They always dress the eel in in that sauce.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's like associated. And so they're like eel sauce.

Speaker 2 It's like saying the steak sauce. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There you go. I don't like this at all.

Speaker 2 Whatever's going on up in that booth right today,

Speaker 2 don't stop looking at each other. It's like saying meerkat gravy.
Yeah. What's in this? I'll just gravy my kids.
I like gravy. I like meer gravy mat.
I don't like meerkat gravy.

Speaker 2 Get it mouthy.

Speaker 2 Just change the name.

Speaker 2 I hate that. What's the thing you won't eat at a sushi place? Refuse.

Speaker 2 You know, like something that I get all the time, but every time I eat it, it fucks my stomach up. And I always go, why did you get that? Ooni? No.
What?

Speaker 2 Soft shell crab. Oh,

Speaker 2 dude, I do not like soft shell crab. Yeah, and then the fucking.

Speaker 2 Is it that soft too? Uh-oh. Because the fucking shit gets in between your teeth.
Two days later, you're like, oh, there's the skin of the soft shell. Oh, look at that.
Yeah. There's Sebastian.

Speaker 2 There's a little Sebastian. Sebastian in my pocket.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Listen.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, as a crab, grew a thicker fucking skin. Yeah, come on, man.
What kind of fuck will you walk around with no skin?

Speaker 2 I'm still be honest. You grow like with the regular crabs, a fucking armor.
But they're just all. You know what they are?

Speaker 2 Are they the case? Yeah, yeah, they are. That's soft shells.
Are they the case? Hey.

Speaker 2 Get out of here. Hey, get out of here.

Speaker 2 Maybe the decay crabs, dude. Back up.
Back up. Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can eat me.
Now,

Speaker 2 is there a trans crab that was soft shell hard shell? I refuse to go there. I refuse to go there.
Did he go soft shell to hard shell?

Speaker 2 Is there trans crabs? Oh, yeah. Trans crabs' lives matter.
Did he go soft shell to hard shell or hard shell to soft shell? I think soft shell to hard shell.

Speaker 2 I think that you could do both, but if you're soft shell, right? You can go to the surgeon and just add. Add layers.
Add layers. And then as a, you know what I mean, a regular crab.
Hard shell crab.

Speaker 2 Don't say regular.

Speaker 2 As a hard shell crab. As a regular.

Speaker 2 What is it? What is it? A hard shell crab.

Speaker 2 As a hard shell,

Speaker 2 I think that's a painful operation.

Speaker 2 Take Take off the skin. Right.
Well, you're also removing. Or you could tuck.
You could tuck some of the

Speaker 2 hardness. You don't have to pull it off.
Right. It's a choice.
Can I ask you another question? Please. Do they have penises and vaginas? Do crabs have penises and vaginas? I know.

Speaker 2 I think the reason why this podcast is so low is because of me. What are you talking about? I always go, because these are things that I question in my own mind.
But this is a fine thought.

Speaker 2 This is a job. For science.
This is science and biology. It's science right now.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh, we like pulled up a study.

Speaker 2 No, you can't pull up a study. You got to pull up something a little bit simpler than that, Aoki.

Speaker 2 A-okay, A-oki. By the way, pubic lice popped up.
I know. I knew a guy in college that had pubic lice.
What is it? It's lice in your pubes. You know what lice is? Like little.
I know what lice is.

Speaker 2 And he got pubic lice. But why do they call it pubic? I mean, he's just a traveler.
No. Yeah, the lice just went from the head to the pubic.
You got to change his name?

Speaker 2 He's just like a magella. That's lice.
That's funny. He's a traveler.
What about butthaire lice? Exactly. My point is that it's all lies.
Don't discriminate. All lice lives matter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The lice

Speaker 2 usually resides on one's head. And if they're a Voyager and they're like the lower croft of the

Speaker 2 you know what it is. What it is.
They're Jewish lice because they like the curly hair. They're sick of this hair.
They go, let's get curly. And then they go down there and they go, this is our land.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And they build a wall.

Speaker 2 Little crabs and warts or whatever.

Speaker 2 This is our land. It's our holy land.
And there is a small population of lice.

Speaker 2 There's only a small percentage left. Yeah.
And then the fucking little crabs, right, are in the fucking strip. Yeah, they're in the strip.
Creatures of the taint. Right.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 We don't want to be at the strip.

Speaker 2 Zoom in.

Speaker 2 We do religious humor here. We do.

Speaker 2 Under the flap of the male. They have two penises, Bob.
No.

Speaker 2 Left and side. Or his arms.
No, it says he has a left and a right penis. Whoa, dude.
He gets a pick.

Speaker 2 Imagine if you got to choose what dick you were going to use that day. But here was the deal.
One of your dicks was super long, but very skinny, and the other one was really thick, but very short.

Speaker 2 Liz, have you ever had a micro penis?

Speaker 2 No, I've never never seen a micro penis.

Speaker 3 Never seen a micro penis.

Speaker 2 Are you going to make a microphone? Do you have a boyfriend? I have a husband. You're married.
Married. So what does his penis like? No, I'm not going to say that.
I bet it's great.

Speaker 2 I've never seen a vicar. You could just lie.
It's very large, and then we could have moved on. Yeah, we could have moved on.
Yeah, I bet you could have just lied.

Speaker 2 By you saying, oh, you're not going to say that means micro-penis.

Speaker 5 No, I was just told you I've never seen a vibe. Mr.

Speaker 2 Rao P has a small micro penis.

Speaker 2 You've never seen one, but have any of your girlfriend seen one?

Speaker 3 Yeah, they said one time she like put her hand over it and she was jacking them off and it wouldn't even like peek through.

Speaker 2 Aww. Yeah, and so she kind of had to do this.
If it wasn't a wreck, then that might have happened. Yeah, but what if she had a huge hand, you know? Yeah.
This could have been a WNBA.

Speaker 2 Andrea, the giant female person.

Speaker 2 The girl that got locked up in Russia, what was her name, the WNBA player? Please not let down.

Speaker 2 Griner? Yeah,

Speaker 2 Lindsay Griner. Greiner Griner.

Speaker 2 What's her name? Why can't I think of her name? Brittany Griner. Brittany Griner.
Yes. She's got probably hands that would make anybody's penis dwarf.
She's huge. She was in China, right?

Speaker 2 No, she was in Russia. Oh, Russia.
She got arrested over there, I think.

Speaker 2 But do you imagine a WNBA? Like, I I saw Kevin Hart just posted a photo of him with a famous athlete who's 6'4, this girl. You know, and it was like, shout out to Short Kings everywhere.

Speaker 2 And he didn't even come up to her waist.

Speaker 2 And I thought, can you imagine? Like, what if you, you, Bobby Lee, what if you fell in love with like a 6'4, 6'5 chick?

Speaker 2 She, I matched with a girl on Raya that's 6'1.

Speaker 2 That's me. Okay.
No, I'm no, no, I'm saying it's me. I'm that girl.
I was pretending.

Speaker 2 Was that was you? I matched you. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. I swiped, yes.
Yeah, I swiped. I swiped yes.

Speaker 2 But she was 6'1, and I was just like, and I think we, I didn't pursue it because I thought maybe.

Speaker 2 What? I think in bed, I'd be fine with it. But publicly, I just can't, like, bring her into the comedy store.
Well, what if she whoop puts you on her back all the time wherever you go? She goes up.

Speaker 2 Up up. Yeah, yeah.
Up up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a little trick. You guys can do tricks at the beach, like those people that do tumbling and stuff.
Yeah. Up up.

Speaker 2 Because one time me and Sarah, you know, because Sarah was five. Ten.
Ten. She's pretty tall.
Yeah, and we were at in Hawaii. We were holding hands on the beach.

Speaker 2 And a bunch of jocks walked by us and they go, he paid for her.

Speaker 2 Well, in a sense. No.

Speaker 2 In a sense. And it hurt my, it really broke me.
In a sense, though.

Speaker 2 Okay, stop. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll go there.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. I will go there, but I just need time to get in there.
But in a sense. It's a scary door.
In a sense. All right, so I'm in a haunted mansion.

Speaker 2 That's what this is. All right.
I see the scary door. There it is.
I'm creeping up to it.

Speaker 2 I open it up. Right.

Speaker 2 And then here we go. Here we go.
So what the fuck do you mean?

Speaker 2 What the fuck do you mean? In a sense, in a sense,

Speaker 2 most times

Speaker 2 you date somebody. What? Most times when you date somebody.
Me specifically or anybody. A lot of men, but you definitely.
are paying for a high majority of the stuff.

Speaker 2 So you're kind of paying for them. But that's chivalry.

Speaker 2 Some would say. But I'm.
But what do others say?

Speaker 2 What do others say? It's cookery, perhaps. Cuckery.

Speaker 2 Cuckery? It's cookery perhaps. It's cookery, perhaps.
See, I make the women always pay. Every girl I've ever dated, I've never paid for one thing.
So you're telling me.

Speaker 2 I say you pay for the meals, you pay for the rent. I'm not paying for nothing.

Speaker 2 Because people, you know, when people say online, like Kalila or Sarah's only going out with Bobby Lee because he has money. First of all, I don't have that much money.
And secondly,

Speaker 2 I have okay. Yeah.
I have okay money. I think you're fine.

Speaker 2 But secondly, dude, it's like, really? Because you know what about a night? You know what?

Speaker 2 You know that I'm a nightmare.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
You know my life, right? Yeah. You know the smells.
Yes. My sleeping habits.
Yes. My eating.
Everything is a fucking nightmare, right? Noah cures it. What? Pussy.

Speaker 2 Dung, don't, don't, don't. I know, but my point is a woman has to endure all of my behaviors.
And that means that they love me.

Speaker 2 They do love you. But you do have to pay for everything.

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 2 You're right, do pay. Do you split stuff with your husband, Liz?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 2 he pays for everything. So in a sense.

Speaker 2 He is like me. The jocks would walk by and go

Speaker 2 see her and see her husband and go, he paid for that.

Speaker 2 But they're not wrong. Yeah, but they implied that she was a prostitute and that I paid like an ass for it.

Speaker 2 But I know that you and your wife, you pay for everything. Yeah.
Yeah. So you're the same.
If a guy walked by and saw her and saw me and goes, he paid for her. They would never say that.

Speaker 2 You better believe it. I'll tell you why they would never say that.
I think they said it because

Speaker 2 at that time, Sarah was a beautiful league. She's still beautiful.
Do you think they think she was out of your league is what you're saying? That's what they're saying. And people think that.

Speaker 2 And I always think like, but. That's not true.
Like, look, of the girls that you've been dating in your recent life, I think you deserve all them. And they're all.

Speaker 2 Now, but back then, I wasn't doing well. You mean physically? No, just in terms of my current.
No one really knew who I was. But that doesn't matter.
I think looks-wise is what we're talking about.

Speaker 2 Oh, you think so? Out of your league means physically. When people look at each other, they go, she's out of his league.
Like, Andreas's wife is out of his league. That's true.

Speaker 2 And I mean that, and I'm not even making a joke on the show. Yeah, yeah.
It's fucking unreal. Yeah.
And she pays for everything. Huh?

Speaker 4 And she pays for everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, which makes me question her. What's really going on?

Speaker 2 Is she on witness protection programs? Is that some sort of program for like data fucking weirdo? You know,

Speaker 2 a foreign reader. You know what it is? I think it's a rehabilitation.
She murdered someone when she was young. And they're like, we'll let you back into society.

Speaker 2 You have to take in a foreigner who's kind of like a

Speaker 2 oola.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he says oola la when he comes. But Liz, you're 24 and you've been married for how long? Did we know that you were married?

Speaker 3 No, no one asked that last time.

Speaker 2 But wait a minute. You're married for how long?

Speaker 3 I'm about to go five years in August this month.

Speaker 2 So you got married when you were 19? 19. And what does he do?

Speaker 3 He does insurance.

Speaker 2 How old is he? He's

Speaker 2 58. No,

Speaker 3 he's 24 too. I'm actually five days older than him.

Speaker 2 You met at church?

Speaker 3 No, we met in high school.

Speaker 2 Oh, high school.

Speaker 2 Is he the only guy you've been with?

Speaker 2 Sexually?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's also... That's also.
Is it too personal? Yes. No.
Yeah. It is.
No, it's on her. It's her call.
It's whatever she wants to answer.

Speaker 2 I'm proud to say that. Okay.
That's awesome. You're proud to say it? That's amazing.
Yeah, I'm very proud to say that, yeah. Now, did you guys, this is interesting.

Speaker 2 Now, you planned, because a lot of people lose their virginity. No, a lot of people lose their virginity

Speaker 2 in lame ways, right? Like, people are like, I wish that didn't happen that way. I feel like a lot of women go.
Ask her for his, he's white. He is white, right?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 What kind? What kind? Ask him. What kind? What kind? What kind is he? Wait, let me guess.
He's Chinese.

Speaker 3 Nope.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. The best kind.
He's Korean. Korean.
He's Japanese. I'm hard.
No. He's Japanese.

Speaker 2 No. He's Taiwanese.
Note that. I'm not playing this game right now.
Just tell us what

Speaker 2 knees does he have. Yeah, yeah.
Dirty knees. He's a Mexican.
Oh, wow. Oh, what a loophole.
What did I do with Swiss? It was like M-Night Chevalier.

Speaker 2 That was insane. That really was.

Speaker 2 I didn't know I knew that was going to happen. I didn't know the ending with terms.
Oh, M. Night, that was good.

Speaker 2 She opened the door, and I thought, don't, don't, don't, ding, now. But instead, it was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
Wow. Yeah.
Mexican from here. And your parents must be very, very,

Speaker 2 your parents are disappointed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a little bit.

Speaker 3 He's from, we're both from Arizona.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Erison now, is it? Arizona. Wait a minute.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you met this guy in high school and how did you date the entire time you were together in high school?

Speaker 3 No, we did not. We met freshman year, and then he made it very clear to me that he wanted to date me, and I didn't date him.
And then the last year of senior year, I was like, he's really cool.

Speaker 3 And I took him out to homecoming, and he never went. And I always go every year, and we kind of just kicked it off from there.

Speaker 2 Wow, that's wild.

Speaker 2 And then, so right after high school, you said, well, let's get married.

Speaker 3 Like a year after my college, my first year at college, yeah. We were like, let's get married.

Speaker 2 And we got married. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 3 Is there a baby coming? No, baby. I don't want babies either.

Speaker 2 You guys don't want them, both of you?

Speaker 3 No, not anytime soon. Maybe late 30s or something like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what is wrong with me? Because it's like, you know, I just, that wasn't even in my thinking

Speaker 2 at her age.

Speaker 2 Getting married? Yeah. Well, it wasn't even an option, really.
Well, there's a bunch of stuff going on right now. First of all, you were smoking crack at that time when you're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But crack is better than marriage. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Also, yeah. Someone's like, you want to keep your money? Have you ever had crack? Way better.
Way better than marriage. Never.

Speaker 2 And there's almost no difference, by the way. It's pretty similar.
No, can you imagine, though? I can't imagine it. I had no money.
Yeah, why would you want to get into it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I, well, no one wanted to fuck me anyway.

Speaker 2 I think that's the first fact. Except for the rock.
The first problem was. The rock loved you.
Oh, yeah. I fuck crack.
Yeah. He fucks a lot.

Speaker 2 I fuck crack, but in terms of female version, the females, they didn't want to go out with me. So there was no option in that way.
But it's all even if I did date somebody, there's just no way.

Speaker 2 I had no money. I had no,

Speaker 2 it was like I had to figure out financial and all that stuff first. Yeah.
Well, your parents are rich.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 His parents are rich? No, not at all either.

Speaker 2 Wow. So you guys, are you guys struggling?

Speaker 2 Was the wedding tough?

Speaker 3 We had a civil wedding and then his mom wanted to have a backyard wedding to invite him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you said she was Mexican? Yeah. Oh, backyard.
Yeah. There you go.
They sometimes do them in the front yards

Speaker 2 from time to time.

Speaker 2 Front yard wedding? I've seen those before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, yes. Well, congratulations.
That is awesome. That's amazing.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Now, what was in the piñata that you broke during the wedding?

Speaker 3 There were some like

Speaker 2 lollipops,

Speaker 3 the little strawberry and chocolate pudding.

Speaker 2 None of the candy that the wrapper melts in your mouth for you?

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 We didn't really have much in the middle.

Speaker 2 No mochi. No boba or nothing.
No bobi, nothing.

Speaker 2 No mochi, no boba? No, none of the.

Speaker 2 Well, that's, the wedding was a beautiful affair, I'm sure, and I'm sorry that we weren't invited because we didn't know you then. But would you have invited us?

Speaker 2 Like, now that you know us, would you invite us? A freaking course I would invite you.

Speaker 2 We wouldn't go. No, we wouldn't go.

Speaker 2 Would you let us, would you let Bobby and I officiate the wedding?

Speaker 2 That would be fucking amazing. Yeah, that would be an amazing thing.
We should officiate weddings.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and also, I've never seen a wedding where, you know, how does it, you know, how the preacher asks, is it a priest or whatever?

Speaker 2 Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? And they ask, is there anybody in the audience that.

Speaker 2 If there anybody.

Speaker 2 Wait, it says, if anybody in the audience if anybody objects to this something like that say please speak now or forever hold your peace yeah but how come nobody says anything I always want to say something what would you say I don't like it

Speaker 2 how about this here it is yeah yeah if anybody

Speaker 2 if anyone

Speaker 2 sir let me get there okay if anyone objects to these two falling in love sir one moment if anyone objects to these two falling in love stop shooting fireworks inside the church sir flares flares

Speaker 2 Anyway, this is a great sketch. He never even gets to finish it.

Speaker 2 He's like, if any, sir, please. Yeah, yeah.
Waving a flag. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What would you say?

Speaker 2 How about this? This is a bad scenario, but it's real. Imagine Kalila's getting married.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 And you're there. There's no way.
What would you say? I'm the preacher, by the way. I'm going to marry Kalila and her new husband.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If anyone objects in here to these two being lawfully married, speak now and forever. Hold your peace.
I would go right here. Yes.
Oh, yes, sir. And everyone would go.
I have a question to Kalila.

Speaker 2 Everyone would go, oh. Yeah.
Hey, Kalila, I have a question. Yes, what's up? Who do you think I should use as my next host for Tiger Belly?

Speaker 2 Because obviously, this is done.

Speaker 2 And then she was like, what? Yeah,

Speaker 2 Steph Tolov. I mean, I have a list.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Because this is definitely a betrayal. All right, this is real.

Speaker 2 What if she does get married? She won't. in the next couple of years? I don't think so.
What if?

Speaker 2 Would you allow it? Or would you protest the marriage? Would you stand outside on the steps? Because you know I'll be on brothers in arms with you. I'll do whatever you want.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, you want the honest truth and not comedy version? I like comedy more than anything.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No, give me whatever you want.
Oh, so what's the question?

Speaker 2 What's the question? It will hurt. In two years.
It would hurt. Three years if she says.
It would hurt. But would you go? I have to go.
You have to go. I have to go.
I don't think you have to go.

Speaker 2 I still do things with the family that I don't want to do, but I do anyway.

Speaker 2 Because I just feel like it's a part of

Speaker 2 my family. It's a part of.
It is a part of your family. Yeah, so it's like, I'm going to go to Hawaii next week.
Do I want to go? I don't really, not really. You like Hawaii?

Speaker 2 I'm going to go because they're going to be there and I want to participate. That's not what she said.
What did she say? She said that you asked to go.

Speaker 2 You know, Andreas,

Speaker 2 it's funny. I literally, you know, at times, dude, at times, dude, I have no idea whose team you're on.
I don't know whose team he's on. Yeah, I literally, yeah, yeah.
Ever since he got neutralized,

Speaker 2 once he got his citizenship, this guy's acted like a fucking dickhead. You know, you know, for me, as a producer, I would go where the money is.
Yeah. And I would go where the numbers are.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 But not this guy.

Speaker 2 He doesn't want to make a living. Nope.

Speaker 2 Right? And you want to play fire, dude.

Speaker 2 And guess what happens? You get burned, baby. You get burned, you son of a bitch.
Yeah. So anyway, loud shirts aren't going to save you this time.
So what happened? What did you hear?

Speaker 4 That she forced you to go.

Speaker 2 Very good. Very good.
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Speaker 2 I don't think, I would say this. I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon, but

Speaker 2 the truth is this, okay, is that, first of all,

Speaker 2 in order for her to get married, she would really have to fall in love because she's much like me.

Speaker 2 It takes, it's a long journey to her heart. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if some guy was going to be able to weather the mountainous regions, right and the valleys You know what I mean and swim the oceans to her heart Then I would obviously support it right you know I mean unless it was unless it was um if it was somebody what if it was someone we know that's what I'm saying if it was a guy that I know and I feel like there's some sort of like trickery like Ian Edwards like

Speaker 2 that could happen yeah because he's good looking he's not gonna be the other night she was like he's smooth she was at the store and she saw Ian from far away and she goes Is that Ian?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 She goes, Oh, I'm gonna go say hi. And she ran over.
And then she also hugged Jamar neighbors. Well, well, what you think they poke? I think they thought about it.
Yeah. Jamar is jacked.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So if it was either Ian or Jamar, I would be fine with it.

Speaker 2 Marriage? Yeah. Oh.

Speaker 2 It'll never happen. I got to tell you.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 If you and your wife get to divorce. Uh-huh.
Okay. Yeah.
would you support our marriage? You to my wife.

Speaker 4 As a punishment.

Speaker 2 As a punishment. For her.

Speaker 2 What I would do is. Would you end the bad friends?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 See, that's how deep we run it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's how deep we run it. But also, I would know that not only

Speaker 2 I've never seen you do this before.

Speaker 2 This is insane.

Speaker 2 You He went mafia.

Speaker 2 Not only do I know,

Speaker 2 I wouldn't have to give up a dime of my money, I would then start taking more of your money. Yeah, if you started boning my ex-wife, I would just.
I would never even consider it. Nah, that's insane.

Speaker 2 That's insane. Yeah.
And vice versa. Yeah,

Speaker 2 thank you. And vice versa.
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
Of course. What did you try to start the show with? You tried to jam something down our throats.
What was it at the beginning?

Speaker 4 There was a couple in Spain that had just a baby, and the guy discovered that the baby is a little person.

Speaker 4 And the guy is not a little person, so the and the woman had a bachelor party.

Speaker 4 Would they hire a little person to party with them? And obviously,

Speaker 2 she fucked the little person. Whoa, wait, can I let me ask you before you even google it? All right, I just have to ask a question about little people.
Yeah, please. May I?

Speaker 2 You're a doctor and a scientist. Yes, yes.
Yes, yes. And if you guys can educate me, right?

Speaker 2 So, can two

Speaker 2 full-size.

Speaker 2 Can two candy-size candy bars make two?

Speaker 2 Can they make a twin bed? My point is, is that, yeah, can they,

Speaker 2 can two full-size,

Speaker 2 even if in the history of their genetics, there's no little people. I actually think.
Do you think that can happen? No, no, no. I think it needs to be in the blood somewhere.

Speaker 2 Oh, so like if the great, great uncle was a little guy. It's got to be in the blood.

Speaker 2 It's got to be in the blood source. Are you sure? I'm almost positive.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We can always call Yeah, yeah. We can always call the source.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, call.
Oh, yeah, call the little man. Yeah.
The little guy we know.

Speaker 2 You know, imagine if I called him and even the phone ring and was like,

Speaker 2 sorry, I missed you. Oh, come on.

Speaker 2 But look, look at this. Most occurrences of dwarfism result from a random genetic mutation in either the father's sperm or the mother's egg, rather from either parent's complete genetic makeup.

Speaker 2 So it can just happen.

Speaker 2 Interesting. So it can just happen.
So this, in this situation, are you sure it's the little guy? Well, read the article because the article looked pretty damning. Okay, go ahead.
Look at this.

Speaker 2 This says,

Speaker 2 Bride to be becomes pregnant after having selected Dwarf Stripper on Hen night. That's what they call stag.
You know, they call hen and stagnant and a husband only realizes when she gives birth. Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow. What do you do? What do you do? What do you do? Your wife just goes to the doctor.
First, I would get revenge. I would go to the shire.

Speaker 2 I don't know what the tickets are to Middle-earth. It's got to be pretty expensive.
Yeah, and then I go, hey, do you guys have any chip and daily hobbits or whatever running around here?

Speaker 2 You're talking about Elliott. Yeah.
I go to Elliot's. He's up the hill doing push-ups.
And those doors, you know what I mean? They're circular. Yeah, they're low to the ground.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They're circular doors. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, right? For you to get in, you got to do like the sonic button. You know, when he ducks down, he's like,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. And I would just have a little discussion with him.
Just a chat. I mean, he would, first of all, bring out the bread and the butter.

Speaker 2 He'd love it, right? He had love the food. So he would bring out, you know what I mean? He's like, here's your loaf.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, I would probably get some sort of like kombucha out of a barrel. Oh, yeah.
Because he loved fermented stuff. He loved fermented stuff.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And, you know, maybe I would change my voice too. You know what I mean? Yeah, because you're there.
You have to change your voice. Yeah,

Speaker 2 so hey, buddy, you were at my fiancé's bachelorette party. What went on, buddy? That fucked the shit out of her.

Speaker 2 All right, bye.

Speaker 2 Really? Cookies? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're fresh baked. Yeah, yeah.
This is so we're in so trouble. No, but you know what? Can we put that off? First of all, we're friends with many of them.
Little people. Yeah, we love them.

Speaker 2 Nick No Wicky, Brad William, homies. And they know how to joke around.
Yeah. So get out of here with that.
Tanya Lee Davis. I know.
Yeah. They're homes.
These people are homies. We man.
Who else?

Speaker 2 Honestly,

Speaker 2 I don't know how I would feel if on the bachelorette party she gets pregnant with a stranger. Like, that would shatter your whole world.
Yeah. And at the bachelorette party,

Speaker 2 that would shatter my world. It's a so on the nose.
You fucked a stripper at the bachelorette party? Yeah. It's got to be the other way.

Speaker 2 You know how many guys, I bet you hook up with some random chick at a bachelorette party and they knock them up. I bet you that happens all the time.
Yeah. All the time.
What would you do?

Speaker 2 I mean, it's just like you just leave. You leave immediately.
I mean, you go right. You're holding the baby.
You look at it. Do you just drop it? I mean, what happens?

Speaker 2 I mean, I would just, but I would put it in the back of the bag. I go, doctor, scalpel.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No.
No, we're getting in trouble for that.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. I know, you're kidding.
I know. I'd give it right back to her.
I'd go, oh, okay. And then leave.
That's it. Well, you wouldn't use both arms, just one hand.

Speaker 2 You go, oh, here you go.

Speaker 2 I would leave him. Stick it on her shoulder.
Would you stick around, fancy? What if the baby that you just had came out

Speaker 2 and you obviously was not your baby? I know what would you do?

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 I'm willing to raise the baby as my own. She's like, it's not yours.
And she's adamant about it. She's like, it's not.
I got fucking plowed. Whoa.

Speaker 2 She's like, I went to a sex party and I got destroyed by five Mexican men, not Spanish, because you know that would cut to his core. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I would have to be the bigger man and accept the baby.

Speaker 2 You would.

Speaker 2 No fucking way. There he is.

Speaker 2 No fucking way, right? No fucking way. No fucking way.

Speaker 2 No fucking way. But you know what I would do? I'd go find the guy and I'd be like, you got to fucking take care of this kid with her.
This is your kid. What if he's like, nah, man.
I go.

Speaker 2 I ain't doing shit. I go, okay.
Well, Well, then you ruined, then you've, then you've ruined a life. So be it, dog.

Speaker 2 I don't know why he's like that.

Speaker 2 All of a sudden he's like, then I'd be like, you're pretty cool. Oh, yeah.
You want to hang out? Yeah, man. And then I befriend the kid.
I befriend him more. I don't talk to my wife and my baby.

Speaker 2 And then you move in with him. Him and I just to start a relationship.
And then she has to raise the baby on her own. Because me and him become best friends.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's the best revenge.
Yeah. Him and I are homies.
Yeah, you fall in love. She's a good guy.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then there's a court battle.
You're trying to get the the baby back. So that me and him can raise it together.
Leave her out of it. Amazing.
That's ice cold. That's ice cold.

Speaker 2 That's actually very cool. That's the best revenge.
Yeah. And we could do it in a place like California.
We're like, we're a new gay couple. Right.
This woman is, she is spontaneous.

Speaker 2 She's irresponsible. Yeah.
Him and I, we want to raise this child together. Together, yeah.
She's out. That's a good movie.
That is a great fucking movie idea.

Speaker 2 Right? That is great.

Speaker 2 I think that's I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. I think that's right.
Mike Sandler already did it. Oh, they did? Oh.
Yeah. Imagine your kid comes out and it's not yours.

Speaker 2 By the way, this does happen a lot. Yeah.
This happens all the time.

Speaker 2 And it's not your kid. Tell me before the nine fucking months.
That's crazy. If you think it might not be my kid,

Speaker 2 wouldn't you fucking tell me? You'd wait till it comes out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And also think about this.
That's why I wish like mythology is right. Yeah.
Because then what if like mythological creatures were like in our world? So then you would definitely know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a minotaur. It's a minotaur.
Look at It's a fucking look at the face. The face is a full-blown bull.
There's a bull. Right? And there's no way to deny it.

Speaker 2 With the dwarf, right? You said it could happen. It could.
It's possible. But if literally the baby comes out and it's got

Speaker 2 a fishtail,

Speaker 2 when you went down that boat with your friends, you fucked a Merby, didn't you?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? There's no way to get out of it. No, they know.
I wish mythology was cool. Was real.
Real, I mean, real, I mean. It is cool as shit.
Yeah, I do wish it was real.

Speaker 2 I wish we were amongst a why don't they let the aliens out? You'd be a great minotaur.

Speaker 2 No, no, you know, you would be no centaur, a centaur. You'd be a good centaur.
What would you be?

Speaker 2 What do you think? You'd be a little, a cherub.

Speaker 2 What do cherubs look like? Look, Google it. Look a little, a little tiny cherub.
Yeah, this is 100% you. You're, if I could pick anything, you're a cherub.
That's Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm a fucking cherub. You know that, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm a fucking cherub for sure. You're the most cheruby dude I know.
Yeah, look at that. You're cheruby.
Look at it, look, look, look. Look.

Speaker 2 Look, look, look. Asia.
You know what Cherub?

Speaker 2 Right. You're stand-on cherub, right? Do you know what cherubs do? You do it.
You do it. They think.
No,

Speaker 2 I'm not cherubic. We'll do a fucking

Speaker 2 centaur. Yeah!

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 2 Dude. You're cherubic.
You know why? It's very cherubic. Because they think and they eat and they're cute and their little butts are always out.
That's right. Their little butts are always out.
Right.

Speaker 2 Look. That's me and you.
That's us, dude. Oh, my.
Oh, my God, dude. Somebody has to make a t-shirt or art with you as a centaur and me as a cherub.
Dude, that is 100% that friend. That's bad us, dude.

Speaker 2 That's bad friends. That is bad friends.
Moving on,

Speaker 2 all day. All around town.
And where do you wanna? You wave the gandalf, older martin, whoever's around. You know what would happen if this is you and I? What?

Speaker 2 We'd be traveling through the land, and at some point, I'd be talking, talking, talking. I'd turn around.
You're sleeping. You're not awake.
You're just snoozing on my company. Cherubs sleep.

Speaker 2 I know a lot. We love cherubs.
But I can't, look, I can't really turn all the way around. I'm like a guy who has a left face on.

Speaker 2 So I can't tell if you're looking at me. But that's why I do it.
You know what I mean? Because I know you can't do it. You can hide behind my head.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing.

Speaker 2 By the way, I went to a museum. Where are they going?

Speaker 2 Wherever the fuck they want. No, but they're going somewhere.

Speaker 2 Look at the fucking centaur's body length. Can you pinch and zoom on that so I can see it up close? Yeah, let's zoom in up there.
And he's.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know what's going on. And she's looking at him.
Wait a minute. I've got my hands behind my back.
Oh, we're playing cops and robbers. No.

Speaker 2 No. What happened? They're fucking.

Speaker 2 How? What? Look at my lip. Look, my dick's not even erect.
You can see it. No.
I know, but look at. Well, first of all, number one, what about you? Oh, you're about to pull out.

Speaker 2 We don't know where the centaur's butthole is. You're right.
It could be mid-back.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. So, wait a minute.
You're about to pull my hair. Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 It's sexual, dude. It is.
It's so sexual. And you're like, put your hands behind your back, bitch.
Yeah. And I do.
Wow. Yes, I'm a big fan.
What a big dick on that centaur, huh?

Speaker 2 Huge. Huge.
Well, it is a horse. Yeah, but half man, half horse.
So what if you got a man dick with a horse bottom?

Speaker 2 That'd be fucking crazy. That'd be such a bummer.
That would be such a bummer. Big horse balls, but a small bummer.
Or what about this, even better yet, right?

Speaker 2 What if you full, regular bottom half, horse, right? But you're a dwarf.

Speaker 2 So you're just kind of sticking out. You're just kind of sticking out.
Like they're like, look at the fucking headless. Look at the headless.
Headless horse. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 No, that's a fucking dwarf centaur.

Speaker 2 Or even vice versa, right? Yeah. What if you had the bottom half of a dwarf and you're a fucking mentor?

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I went to a museum this past weekend. Yeah, I love it.

Speaker 2 And it's so funny when you see these sculptures of these naked men because the women, the women's bodies are always pretty shit.

Speaker 2 They're in a, look, they're just pudgy, lumpy, and they don't really like.

Speaker 2 But with the men, they always sculpt the muscles. Even if they weren't that muscly, they sculpt them like they were all in perfect shape.

Speaker 2 Oh, so there was no photographs back then, so they had to have a guy to stand there and model with his dick out. Yeah, I know.
For like three weeks, just like that. Yeah, just hurry, dude.
Like,

Speaker 2 what do you do? Oh, that's a fun. That's David.
That's oh, David's hot, dude. Little dick, but still.
That was the biggest trick about seeing that live.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Seeing Michelangelo's David in person. Oh, in person.
It's weird because it is a comically small penis. It's almost like he was taking a shot at him.

Speaker 2 Like, imagine if he did your body and you're like, What about the dick? And he's like, Dick is last, dick is last.

Speaker 2 And you're like, Oh, oh, really? Okay, great. Like, you see this, you see this, and then you go, Can I see it? And he's like, No, no, no, I will come back.

Speaker 2 Right. And then you get into there and then zoom in.
That's what he does of you. And the last day, David brings more marble.

Speaker 2 He just comes with a bunch of marble. It's like, all right, just can you do the dick now? I brought more for you.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's a complete. It's a complete.

Speaker 2 Are you sure? Yes, I am assured.

Speaker 2 But look at it. I mean, look at how buff he's jacked.
He's jacked.

Speaker 2 And you could have given him, I mean, the balls are so much bigger than the wiener. Yeah.
Zoom in on just the penis.

Speaker 2 But like, that's what all the statues look like at the museum I just went to. It's a bummer.
It's a, it's like, just make it. Look how big his hands are.
Look at his hands.

Speaker 2 Look at how big his fucking hands are. Also, can I just say that? Didn't have manscaped back then? No.
Look at that push.

Speaker 2 Look at that push. It's like a bunch of people.
Somebody hit this guy the lawnmower 3.0 already. Look at that thing, man.
I mean, it is incredible

Speaker 2 that you think he would go back to him and be like, Michelangelo, please.

Speaker 2 Please.

Speaker 2 This would be

Speaker 2 cemented in history forever. Please.

Speaker 2 Make it just a little bit bigger. That's so funny.
You're right.

Speaker 2 Of course, there was that conversation. I would rather, if I was sculpted like this back then, I'd rather them do no dicks.
Because some of them do no dicks. They just do no dicks.

Speaker 2 Much rather no dicks than accurate dick. Oh, you you know what I would do? If I was Michelangelo?

Speaker 2 David? David, yeah. When they're showing it, right? When you know, they reveal it.
There's a revelation, right? A revealing. The sheet comes down.
The sheet comes down, right?

Speaker 2 But if I was David, I would just walk around naked.

Speaker 2 I go, look.

Speaker 2 It's a bigger thing. It's a way bigger than this one.

Speaker 2 This cannot be accurate. It's not accurate.
We ran out. Marvel is a shortage right now.

Speaker 2 That's what I do. That's so funny to walk around naked around your own statue.
Just to prove it. Yeah, so then people just spread it around.
I don't look.

Speaker 2 You know I don't look like this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're calling out to women, you fucking like, Sharice, Sharice.

Speaker 2 Tell him that my dick is a nice.

Speaker 2 I am a grower at the show. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's so funny.
That's so funny. So where'd you see that? At the museum here in L.A.? I went to the, I went to, obviously, I didn't see that.
I saw that when I was over there. I just went to...

Speaker 2 Oh, in France. I went to a museum.
That's

Speaker 2 Italy. I went to a museum here called the Huntington Gardens.

Speaker 2 Maybe one of the most, honestly, dude, beautiful fucking piece of land in Pasadena. And it's stunning how much cool shit that they fucking have.
But it's endlessly beautiful.

Speaker 2 They've got a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2 You can walk around this huge piece of property. It's stunning, dude.
It's just, you know, it makes me feel multiple things. One, how the fuck did these people have this kind of money? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because they own, this must have been four acres of land, five acres of land.

Speaker 2 Beautiful. At least, maybe more.
I'm probably underestimating. But they had a Chinese garden.
They had a Japanese. They had the lily pad garden.

Speaker 2 Can I say something that I? I saw so much cool art there. When you see the art, though,

Speaker 2 are you like me? I don't look at the art. You look at the people looking at the art? No.
I look at the building to see how I would be able to steal it. Yeah, I think about that all the time.

Speaker 2 Do you think about that? Yeah, all the time. Like what I would do? Well, or I think about the vent.
I think about what's the easiest way to steal. Right.
What could I get away with? Yeah.

Speaker 2 None of it. They had a Civil War letter from the Civil War.
Yeah. And it was like barely encased.
And I was like, whoa.

Speaker 2 How much is that? What's it worth? Yeah. A couple hundred grand? Not a civil war letter.

Speaker 2 An original letter from the Civil War? Who signed it? Some fucking Jack.

Speaker 2 If it's Abe Lincoln. Duke him up Chang.
If it was Duke Chang, our old friend Duke him up Chang. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He signed it. Yeah.
No, I mean, it wasn't Lincoln, but like,

Speaker 2 hardly a lot of these letters are still around. You're just Google.
Oh, what is a fucking Civil War letter for sale? How much? 200 bucks. 200 bucks.
200 bucks. 200 bucks.

Speaker 2 That's how much it it will sale.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's no way that's expensive. $200.
Yeah. I'm talking more to Lisa, dude.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
I'm talking about... You can't click on that.
There's no fucking way.

Speaker 2 That's $200, dude.

Speaker 2 That's a spot at the improv. Wait, I don't believe this.
Yeah, yeah. I don't believe this.
How much are those other?

Speaker 3 $135, 12 people watching.

Speaker 2 Here's the deal. Here's the deal.
You know this is not real. That's the other thing.
They can't verify this. It's $135 for that letter.

Speaker 2 Okay, but a Civil War letter, what if it's done by someone of nobility? That's why I asked if it was from Abe Lincoln written to, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Who? Robert E. Lee.

Speaker 2 Abe Lincoln to Robert E. Well, they were around the same time, right?

Speaker 2 Yes, they were. Yeah.
Yeah. That's so.

Speaker 2 Click Civil War letter from Abe Lincoln. Let's see if maybe that's what it was, and I just don't know the difference.
I wonder what that would be worth.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. Nothing less more than 50 grand.

Speaker 2 An Abe Lincoln letter? 85K.

Speaker 2 85. Closer to yours.
Mine. Yeah,

Speaker 2 85K. Why would I think it'd be be so much more money? It's not like 85k

Speaker 2 because, also, if you get caught, you're in prison for a while. How long? You wouldn't do it.
A couple years. A couple years.
Two years. Two years.
Yeah, but you know what?

Speaker 2 With our kind of status, the judge will be a bad friends fan and be like, that's it, Mr. Sanchino, you're in deep trouble.
Just court adjourned. They'd pull me aside and be like, you're good, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're fucking good.
Just don't do it again. Just don't do that kind of fucking crazy shit.
I mean, 85 grand. 85 grand.
That's it. I cannot believe.
I thought for sure it's worth it. No.

Speaker 2 When I was in Tampa, I went to the

Speaker 2 Dali.

Speaker 2 Salvador Dali? Yeah. You guys went to there.
By myself. I took a fucking, what do you call those? Bird scooters.
Bird scooter. Kim Kim Hinging.
I went down there. I paid me.

Speaker 2 I mean, I mean, me. Yeah, yeah.
You know, I don't do nothing. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In the heat, I went there. I thought about you yesterday in this exact same scenario.
Really? When I was at the museum, I thought, I'd love Bobby to come here, but he would never come to this.

Speaker 2 But I do sometimes. You do sometimes.
When it comes to museums, I do. Yeah, you do.
Yeah. And I walked around and I looked at it, but it's like

Speaker 2 I can watch it look at it for five seconds and that's it Salvador Dali doesn't hit you in any art any art yeah I can't I look at the art I go okay I got it no no wait what do you do I have to sit in really you're a pretentious fuck no you do this

Speaker 2 no I do this I go like this

Speaker 2 you know how girls do this I do this yeah yeah she goes like this yeah yeah yeah all right what do you look for for what i like to see like if it's a like look up um um

Speaker 2 you know like like renoir or you know what yeah renoir renoir yeah look up like renoir yeah yeah it's like if i see a renoir it's like

Speaker 2 at face value right

Speaker 2 you see something you see something pretty pretty okay like this right zoom it zoom in I would see something pretty monotonous. Okay.
Right? Yeah. But then

Speaker 2 what? You really get in there, zoom in in a little bit more. Then you get in there and then you start looking at the guy in the boat.
And I imagine what he's saying to that man.

Speaker 2 So that's what I'll start to do. I'll start to go, what's that conversation? Because this was taken from a real piece of life.
Like this stupid little bitch in the front.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck about her. That little idiot.
She picked these flowers and her mom. Look at her mom and she's pissed because there was a sign that says, Oh, so the mom obviously dresses the kid.

Speaker 2 He doesn't mean we're wearing a flower hat. No, that's the mom.
Yeah. But obviously there was a sign that said, don't pick the flowers.

Speaker 2 And there's a guy now talking to the mom that's going, I told you, lady, for the fifth fucking time you you can't pick the flowers. And she's pretending not to hear him.
Oh, and the lady's a Karen.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she pretends. And Karen's back then.
We'll just go pick where we want to pick. You know, my great-grandfather used to live on this lake.
Oh, so you, there's scenarios. 100%.

Speaker 2 That's my favorite thing to do. Do it.
With a fucking, you know what I mean? Dolly, you can't do that. A melting clock can't yell.
You know what I mean? And a fucking giraffe. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 You're saying if it's any sort of like hyper-realistic. Hyper-real, you can't do that.

Speaker 2 I can do scenarios like that. This is called.
Okay, zoom that. Zoom that.
Zoom in that. Do you know what? What do you imagine? This is called the Great Masturbator.
I know this piece. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I got to tell you something. Yeah.

Speaker 2 After staring at this one time in the college dorm room for a while, I saw this image in my head when I jerked off for about a month and a half.

Speaker 2 Really? I couldn't stop seeing this. Yeah.
Because it's called The Great Masturbator. Yeah.
Oh, I see the head now. But some people interpret her sniffing a dick.
That's what I've heard.

Speaker 2 She sniffs dick. Right.

Speaker 2 What's okay, let me just ask you some questions. But see, I do want to stare at this for longer because there's a lot going on.

Speaker 2 Like, is that a horse hide? Is that a mohawk back there? Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 And why is the tail on a chain? I'll go back. See what I'm saying? Yeah, I'll go back.

Speaker 2 You and I have never done things like this.

Speaker 2 I want to.

Speaker 2 In the fall. Let's make a list.
You and I will do in the fall. In the fall.
Museum one. Love.
You know what?

Speaker 2 I've never had ice cream with you. I'd love to have ice cream with you.
Have we ever had ice cream? No, but can we feed each other? See, we have desserts together at dinner. We do.

Speaker 2 We don't go to our ice cream. We have a cream shop.
No. And I would love to share a banana split with you.

Speaker 2 Are you being serious? You got

Speaker 2 to go. Can we pull the banana out of our mouth and just at the same time suck the banana from both ends? Well, promise me this.

Speaker 2 There's two bananas on each side. We work on one banana at a time.
Fine.

Speaker 2 I don't be sucking on one banana. You're going to suck on the other one.
I know. You get one end, I get one banana.
I got the same banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So

Speaker 2 what else have we done together? We haven't

Speaker 2 picniced. We've picnicked.
Dude, you and I have never picnicked. Why haven't we sat under a tree and ate something in a blanket?

Speaker 2 In a basket. I don't know why.
And Carlos can serve us. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's our little waiter. Yeah.
Okay, so Carlos can do that. Okay, so picnicking,

Speaker 2 museum. We never shared a colour.
We shared ice cream sales.

Speaker 2 Do you want to fly a kite together? Dude. I would love to fly a kite.
I've never flown a kite with you before, dude. Why haven't we done that?

Speaker 2 Because I think that you would, it would be a competition. Look at how big my

Speaker 2 kite is. Yeah, whose kite's bigger? We can't do that.
We have to get equal kites. Can we play tag in a field of like sunflowers?

Speaker 2 Can I frolic? I want to frolic.

Speaker 2 I've never frogged with you. Actually, you know what I would love to do with you? I'm not kidding.
Skinny dip at a waterfall.

Speaker 2 I'd love to skinny dip at a waterfall. I've never done that with you.
I would love to do that with you. Can we like fuse that in with the picnic? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You killed two birds with one stone. Why don't we?

Speaker 2 And then maybe we'll bring a painting.

Speaker 2 You know what else I want to do? What? I want to go to

Speaker 2 a little puppy place and play with puppies together.

Speaker 2 You know what else I want to do with you?

Speaker 2 Pottery.

Speaker 2 Dude, who sits in back? Who sits in front? Should we do pottery?

Speaker 2 In the back, I wouldn't get any piece of the bottom. That's the funniest part.
Like, I want to be able to touch the fucking bottom. It'd be like a motorcycle.
You'd be hugging onto my hips. I know.

Speaker 2 I got to be in the front because I want some of the vase. Correct.
Right. Okay.
But you can be behind me.

Speaker 2 We've never done that before. No, and I want to do, I want to hold.

Speaker 2 I want to have my foot on the wheel, though. Right.
So I can spin it. The ghost.
You and I should remake Ghost. Dude, let's remake Ghost, you and I, dude.
Look at that. Oh, my God.
Look at that.

Speaker 2 Look at his arms. Look at his arms.
He was so fucking sexy. Dude, he was the one.
I got turned on by that scene so much. And it wasn't because of her.
I got to tell you.

Speaker 2 She wasn't looking that good in that scene. She really wasn't.
Yeah. What, Demi Moore wasn't? She looks fine, but she doesn't look like him.

Speaker 2 We can reenact this shit though. Much better than they could.
How can we never reenact this shit, though? No, no, no. I really wouldn't.

Speaker 2 You know what you and I should do? A calendar with

Speaker 2 movie scenes. Famous movie scenes, dude.
Fancy. Fancy.
Start it. But I want it to be, we want to get a photographer

Speaker 2 to make it almost identical. That's exactly what I want.
Let's do it. I'm dead serious.
I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm dead serious.

Speaker 4 It's a good Christmas gift.

Speaker 2 It's a good Christmas gift. It's a great Christmas gift.
Yeah, yeah. So we do what are some other great scenes? Oh, here we go.
Well, ghost, okay, so ghost is yes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We are doing a ghost scene. Yeah, I think we should do

Speaker 4 Basic Instinct.

Speaker 2 It's just one person spreading their legs. Yeah, yeah.
It's got to be a two-person shot. Aren't you a cinematographer? Maybe the accused.
Okay,

Speaker 2 I'll be on the pinball thing. I'll be on the pinball.
You are on the pinpoint.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And all the guys can be you.

Speaker 2 We could, like, you know what I mean? Oh, you know what else? What? The pulp fiction scene where I'm the cop and you're Ving Rames, and you have the ball gag in your mouth. And you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I'm about to have sex with you. No.
You're the other guy. You're Bruce Willis.
Okay. Okay.
So we're both going to get some guns. Yeah, we're both gagged.
Yeah. We're both gagged.

Speaker 2 That's you and me. That's you and I.
That's us.

Speaker 2 Dude, we got to do that, dude. That's so good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then we also get,

Speaker 2 like,

Speaker 2 you know, we get

Speaker 2 ball caps and stuff. Oh, dude, yes, we're doing it.
Doing like a professional. We'll get Jen Aspinall, the Mad TV makeup person.
She won an Emmy. I want her to do it.
And we'll have her do it.

Speaker 2 What else do we do? What are those famous two singles?

Speaker 2 A shot. Brokeback two mountains.
Great two shot. A gray two shot of Brokeback Mountain? We got to do a broke back.
Brokeback Mountain scene.

Speaker 2 What other scenes can we do? Let's name a couple more. Let's do a couple more.
Just so I want to get it out of my head. Yeah, let's do a we have to do a sci-fi-y

Speaker 2 one. Right, right.
Right, but it'd have to be shining. The twins, the twins, we can do the twins.
We have to do the twins. We're the twins.

Speaker 2 That's hot. Can we do the twins? Yeah.
We'll do the twins. I like that a lot.
So good.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, anyway, we'll do a list.
Oh, you know what? There's one thing I definitely wanted to show you real fast. Hold on one second.
This is 1954.

Speaker 2 Look at

Speaker 2 professional. What is that?

Speaker 6 Well, finding her reaction to water is so strong that she is literally pulled this way and that in the direction of the underground stream she locates for Cornish farmers.

Speaker 2 Since she discovered her gift three years ago, Catherine has located 300 deep boreholes and has been riped 98 times in every hundred.

Speaker 6 Today, she is one of Britain's most successful professional water diviners.

Speaker 2 Do you buy this? Or is this 1954 gobbledygook? No, that's

Speaker 2 look.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm like that, but with pussy.

Speaker 2 I'm like...

Speaker 2 I think there could be no one around.

Speaker 2 No, no, be real. It could be no one around, and I can find it.
Yeah. Yeah, it's special.
You can find it. Yeah.
You are

Speaker 2 that special thing.

Speaker 2 You can find it anywhere it is. Yeah, yeah.
What is that? I don't know what it is. That's your zhuzh.
It's my zhuzh. That's your zhuzh.
I can smell it. I can feel it.
My chromosomes change. Right.

Speaker 2 You start to shape-shift a little bit. Right.
Yeah. When you see good pussy, you start walking.
I start walking.

Speaker 2 When Bobby finds himself pussy in a crowd, he must topple over sometimes on his face.

Speaker 2 So I relate to it. It's a sham.
It's such a sham.

Speaker 2 But how did she trick so many people into finding wells? What you do is like, where are we going? Oh, we're going to this

Speaker 2 field. Yeah.
And she's there all night long, right? With a fucking stick. You know what I mean? I think this is, you know, there's something's going on.
I don't know, man. They said 98% correct.

Speaker 2 Really? 98%. She was only wrong.
2% of the same. That's insane.
That doesn't make sense. You know what? I know, but you know, some people have abilities that we, you know.
Okay, how about this?

Speaker 2 You believe in the palm reader thing and all that stuff? Like, you know, you see these palm readers all over Los Angeles. Do Do you believe in it? No.
You think it's all kakamimi? Tea leaves? No.

Speaker 2 Palm reader? No.

Speaker 2 What about mind reading? No.

Speaker 2 What about seance? Do you believe people can talk to the dead? No. You don't believe that? I do.
Oh, 100%. No, you don't.
The dead? You don't fucking believe that. Palm reading? No.

Speaker 2 Because it's like every, that's every Armenian woman I see on Hollywood Boulevard.

Speaker 2 But I do believe that there are certain people that have connections with the dead, the beyond. That I totally believe.
Well, then that goes into like, you know, do I believe in spirits?

Speaker 2 Do I believe in an afterworld? Do I believe in the,

Speaker 2 do I? You do.

Speaker 2 I do. You do.

Speaker 2 I think the spirit thing scares the shit out of me, so I don't want to fucking think about it.

Speaker 2 Have you ever been alone in your house and said something to your dad or talked or thought about your dad? And then a thing has happened where you're like, that's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 Have you ever had that?

Speaker 2 No. Never.
My dad? Well, and someone else that's dead in your fucking life. I've never been in contact contact with the spirit world in that way, but I have like been led the right direction in life.

Speaker 2 And you think that might be their influence? It could be. I mean, I do believe that like, um,

Speaker 2 here's as mystical as I get.

Speaker 2 I believe that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and I believe that there is some sort of like

Speaker 2 path.

Speaker 2 And you don't know what it is, but you're on it. There's just too many things that happened in my life where I went,

Speaker 2 yeah, that's just a weird coincidence. There's no way that's a coincidence.
That was like

Speaker 2 divinally divine intervention. You believe in

Speaker 2 destiny. I do.

Speaker 2 Divine intervention. I'm supposed to be here right now.
I'm supposed to be here in this moment with you right now and everything that led up to this moment. I agree.
Yeah. I believe in this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 you can change little tiny elements of it. Like it's like the path is there, but you could put on a jacket sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then it's a but but you sway between the two because it's like then you watch documentaries about World War II and you go, oh my gosh, 16,000 kids died in this war. What was their destiny?

Speaker 2 To die in the war. Yeah, but I don't, yeah, exactly.
But I don't know what happened in those minute moments when they were on the field. Right.
No, no.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What do you mean? Sure. What happened when they were about to die? No, no, no.
We're like, fuck, I'm going to die. No, no, no, no, no.
It's not beyond that. Right?

Speaker 2 It's like,

Speaker 2 oh, fuck, my, you know what I mean, my buddy Bill, you know what I mean, was just shot with shrapnel, you know what I mean? And he's on the ground, and you crawl over to him, right?

Speaker 2 And you hold him, and you, you know what I mean, and you do things for him that he needs in that moment. Maybe that was your purpose.
Sure. You know what I mean? But you think this is.

Speaker 2 And then right when you're holding Bill, you die. But then somebody, your cousin Larry holds you and Bill.
And somebody kills you. And then eventually, like, right?

Speaker 2 A guy's holding 15 dudes. At some point, you've killed your whole family.
family

Speaker 2 they're all dead i don't know i mean i don't know what happens i don't know why these things happen these dark things but it's like it you know i still believe that there's some sort of path there is but i'm saying do you believe it

Speaker 2 yeah i believe a big portion of it but i do think that like there are a lot of things are beyond our control but i think we have some control we make choices within our yeah but the choices are presented to us and that's the that's what life is about but i'm saying they are presented but i don't think they're pre-picked i think they're presented and you kind of choose it it, and that helps continue on in

Speaker 2 this way. I think they're pre-picked.
You think they're all pre-chosen? Yeah. Wow.
Like, for instance, maybe during World War II, I would have gone to Canada.

Speaker 2 You would have. And a deserter.
Yeah. You desert too.
No.

Speaker 2 I would have fought. No.
You're a deserter, dude. I would have left.
You and I both. Yeah.
It'd have been you and I together. On a covered wagon.
We're cowards. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Deserter?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
He's gone. Gone.
What about Aoki?

Speaker 3 I'm a deserter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's gone. No one here would fight.
Yeah, we're cowards. We're unpatriotic pieces of shit.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like when I see those guys at the airport that are wearing the military garbs, I'm always like,

Speaker 2 thank you. Thank you.
No, I'm grateful they do that. I can't believe someone's got the ball.
But when Muhammad Ali got balls, remember when Muhammad Ali's like, yeah, I'm not going to get drafted.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing that. And he could have just punched everybody.
But he got in trouble. He didn't fight for four years because of that.
I know. Right?

Speaker 2 But, you know, because of religious, because he was a Muslim. Yeah, but it's also, he was a super famous.
So it's kind of like he gets an exemption of like, well, we don't want this guy to die at war.

Speaker 2 He is kind of like an international icon. Yeah, but you kind of need he wasn't going to fight.
What they were going to use him for was to do a little show. Well, he should have done it.

Speaker 2 Should have done an exhibition or something. Do a show for the boys.
Yeah, but he didn't want to even do that. You should do a show for the boys.

Speaker 2 But it's just like hired people to kill brown people. That has nothing to do with you.

Speaker 2 It depends.

Speaker 2 Give me an example. Well, Vietnam.

Speaker 2 World War II too, because of the Hall of Fame. Vietnam, we should have.
I mean, man,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? These people. But look at them.
Look at them. Look at them.
They really do. Look how sneaky they are.

Speaker 2 What is up with trails? You really love trails. These guys love trails.
Yeah, yeah. They read too many children's books about things in the woods.
You know?

Speaker 2 They could hide up in a tree for three months. At least.
With no food. At least.
With a banana and a Diet Coke. You built your own house, yeah, the place you live now? With your own two hands?

Speaker 3 These hands, right here.

Speaker 2 You and your husband live in the same place? Yes. You sleep in the same bed? Yes.
You share the same bathroom? Yeah. Are you in love? I'm in love.

Speaker 2 She is. She's sung.
She's a young love.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can't wait till you fall out of that, though. Hey.
Do you think it will? No.

Speaker 2 She'll fall back in love. It'll wane.
It'll go through swings. And then it goes back up.
Because you guys met when you were so young, you're going to change so much in the next couple years.

Speaker 2 So you'll have big changes in your life. You know, he'll come out as gay.

Speaker 2 You'll lose your vision.

Speaker 2 What? I've already read your life book.

Speaker 2 He's coming out to you. You're losing your eyesight.
What would you do if he gets in a car accident? He's paralyzed from the neck down.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm staying with him 100%.

Speaker 2 No matter what. No matter what.

Speaker 3 What if he's just a head?

Speaker 2 I love that head.

Speaker 2 Really? Wow. Really? Really? 110% of the time.
Where do they find people like this? They don't exist anymore. In Vietnam.

Speaker 2 In Vietnam, they do it. No, you're from Arizona.
Relax. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
The Phoenix greater area.

Speaker 2 All right. I want to say this.

Speaker 2 We are excited for the fall. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to get back out there. And in the fall, we decided.
Bob and I, we're going to do a picnic. We're going to do

Speaker 2 museum. And also, after an ice cream, but more importantly, Fancy is going to start working on this calendar that we're going to put together so you guys can give it for Christmas gifts, right? Yep.

Speaker 2 All right, good. That's it.
Thank you for being a bad friend.