Ying, Yang, Yong

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Speaker 1 Hey, everybody. Hey, we're on tour in the fall.
In the fall. We're going to be in Rochester, New York.
Yeah, baby. Then we're coming to Northfield, which is Cleveland, Ohio.
Homestead, Pennsylvania.

Speaker 1 Homestead, Pennsylvania. We're doing two shows.
That's basically Pittsburgh. The first one sold out.
Come to the late show. Then where do we go? Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston.

Speaker 1 We are in Boston, Massachusetts. D.C.
Washington, D.C., Denver. Denver, Colorado.
Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Then Chicago, my hometown. Minnesota, Minnesota.

Speaker 1 Then Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Twin Cities. And we end it all in Madison, Wisconsin.
Come check us out. Come check us out.
Go to badfriendspod.com. We're adding dates as we go.
Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Yeah, it's funny.
I'm not, I'm like, I've always been, I've never looked at a cop in the eyes. You can't.

Speaker 1 When they pull me over, I'm always, you know what you do is you look at their ear. What? Yeah, I always look at their right ear.
Look at me. I'm looking at your ear right now.
So you're the cop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? So this is what I do. Go ahead.
You know why I pulled you over? No.

Speaker 1 Whoa. See? I got to tell you, I don't know if it's your eyes, but it's worth it.
I can't tell what you're looking at. Exactly.
This is amazing. It's amazing.
Maybe it's your eyes. Let me do it to you.

Speaker 1 Let me see if you can tell. Let me see.
Let me see. Yeah.
Boot, wood, wood. And I go, hello.
Wait, wait, the cops say hello? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
What do they say? Cops say stuff like

Speaker 1 licensed.

Speaker 1 I gotta, I gotta see.

Speaker 1 wood, wood. Do you know why I pulled you over?

Speaker 1 I've never seen a little Korean cop before. I'm out of here.

Speaker 1 You'd be gone? Yeah, I'm gone in a heartbeat. You're not getting me.
I've been pulled over by mostly Asian cops. In Southern California, we got a lot.

Speaker 1 Look it up. I think, actually, the majority of cops in Southern California are Mexican.
I think it's like 54% Latino. Well, it's just the majority of California is Mexican.
Well, no shit, fancy.

Speaker 1 And whenever an Asian cup pulls me over, I mock them. Look, it's like they're chasing you.

Speaker 1 Asians only make up 10% of police officers. So when they go, do you know why I pulled you over? I go, do you know why?

Speaker 1 I always do that.

Speaker 1 I always get a ticket.

Speaker 1 He goes, he stutters. Dude, do you go? You go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, you know why I pulled you over.
Yeah, give me the ticket. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And in the back, I'm in the back seat. I come in, I go, gong.

Speaker 1 21, okay, 61% of federal law enforcement officers were white. You got to do California.
You got to do California. What percentage of cops are Mexican in California? I guarantee you.

Speaker 1 But whites are the scariest cops. No, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah. Dude,

Speaker 1 for me growing up, whites were always the scariest cops. Because what? You were in San Diego.
Big whites. In Poway, there is a fucking saying.
What is it? I don't know it.

Speaker 1 But I know there is. But generally, what the saying is, is that they pull you over more than off more often than not.

Speaker 1 You know, those white cops, they're going to pull over

Speaker 1 a lot. Although, I haven't been pullover in LA in 12 years.
What? I've not been pullover in 12 years. When was the last time you got pulled over?

Speaker 2 It was a couple years ago in Arkansas.

Speaker 1 Here in LA, I said. Never.
You've never been pulled over in LA.

Speaker 1 Whoa. What's going on?

Speaker 1 Hold the mic closer to your spirit. Yeah, Rudy.
Yeah, listen. Listen to me.
What's going on with you? There's something going on, right? Listen to me. I don't know either.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's going on with you? I don't know. Because since I've been here, you've been acting aloof, and I feel like another dock's happening.
Wait a minute. Oh, do you have beef with him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, is there a dock beef going on? Because it's like, I need to know.

Speaker 2 He knows what he's doing.

Speaker 1 What do I know I'm doing?

Speaker 2 I have a theory. What's a theory? I think over the tour, Bobby and I became very close.
And I think I don't, you know, him longer than me, but I think he's scared of how close we got.

Speaker 2 And I think now he's actively trying to push me away. And

Speaker 2 do you do that?

Speaker 1 Do you think you do that?

Speaker 1 Do you think you push people away that get too close?

Speaker 2 Is that a pattern with him?

Speaker 1 I think I do. Yeah, because at the comedy.
We've gone through huge waves of being close, not talking. Being close, not talking.

Speaker 2 Well, it's happening to me now.

Speaker 1 And I hate it. What can I say this? Welcome to the club, kid.
When I'm coming to the club, who am I with?

Speaker 2 Sometimes no one.

Speaker 1 And is that, am I the rudest then?

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm more rude when I'm with somebody.

Speaker 2 I will say that, but you're always rude lately.

Speaker 1 In what way, though? Well, I just don't look at you.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, and you make it like, don't look at me. Oh, no.
Like, you don't want me looking at you.

Speaker 1 And do I say to you, don't look at me? Sometimes. I do, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll walk up to you and I go, hey man just for the tonight don't look at me or you look really fake and you smile really vague no that's real and you go you know i'm fucking tired of people telling me that my fucking smiles are fucking fabricated and not real let's go through

Speaker 1 yeah show andrew why this is the smile i give her

Speaker 1 that's real

Speaker 1 i'm like you're gonna kill me that looks pretty real to me yeah look i won the lottery

Speaker 1 he was also holding a knife up to my neck oh he was yeah i won you were also holding a knife up to my neck i would never do do that. All right, say hi to me and I'll say hi with a smile.

Speaker 1 Tell me if this is fake or real.

Speaker 1 Hey, Andrew. Hey!

Speaker 1 Was that real? That's real for me. That's just about as real as it gets.

Speaker 1 When I see you, that's what I did.

Speaker 2 Then I apologize.

Speaker 1 I'm misreading the situation. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what? You're right.

Speaker 1 I should check my behavior.

Speaker 2 I've been at the club twice now, the improv and the store, and I see you either in the corner of my eye or on the lineup, and I just don't say hi to you anymore.

Speaker 1 Whoa, this is weird. I didn't know this was going on.
I was out and about.

Speaker 1 I haven't been around in a while, so I don't know what's going on. I didn't know that there was a little bit of

Speaker 1 undercurrents. He's Zuko.
Zuko in her.

Speaker 1 Are you Danny Zuko and her?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. You mean from the movie The Grace? Salma Love.
Loving. Haddon Bond.
That's my favorite lyric. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Having some bon? Having some bond, dude. Bon bons.

Speaker 1 Look, Danny Zuk, by the way, what a babe.

Speaker 2 That's what you're doing.

Speaker 1 You're Zuko and her, dude. You're Zuko.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, because we're no longer in the summer.

Speaker 2 We had a great summer.

Speaker 1 No, we're back at school. And when we're back at school, Danny Zucco is, you know.
You realize we're in the middle of summer right now. Yeah, it's still summer.

Speaker 1 But when I say summer, I mean the tour. Okay.
The tour was summer, like in Greece. And now we're in school.

Speaker 1 And now we're in school and we're back in class. Going to the comedy store is like a school.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah, we're there every night, right? And so I'm too cool for school for you. That's so funny.

Speaker 1 This feels like Mean Girls, where you're like, you're like talking shit about her at Red Eview You Hangout. Because I don't want a Macon to happen.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm getting.

Speaker 1 Rest in peace, by the way, Macon.

Speaker 2 He He died?

Speaker 1 He sure did.

Speaker 1 So I apologize, and I'm going to be more mindful about how I treat you. Wow.
And I will, you know, those fake smiles, I'm going to keep doing them because that's how I feel.

Speaker 2 You don't have to fake smile to me.

Speaker 1 Okay, but

Speaker 2 in fact, I love you so much. If it is a status thing for you, for me to socialize with you amongst your friends, I'll hide in the corner.

Speaker 1 I think he's just being ultra-sensitive.

Speaker 2 I think I'm being an appropriate reaction.

Speaker 1 You think it's an appropriate reaction? Yeah. What do you think we are?

Speaker 2 I think we're friends.

Speaker 1 What do you think it is? I don't think it's friends. Are you talking about you two? No, just in general.

Speaker 1 Jesse.

Speaker 1 Well, I guess that says it all. Yeah, yeah.
You're Jesse, right?

Speaker 1 I think Jesse is

Speaker 1 like a daughter.

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to say a dog.

Speaker 1 A dog daughter. Kind of like a dog daughter.
Yeah, a dog daughter, right? Also, you're an employee. Sip.
You're an employee. Yeah.
Right? So I'm kind of your boss. No, you're literally her boss.

Speaker 1 I'm literally your boss. So it's like, how do you treat your employees? How do you treat

Speaker 1 your employee who's also your daughter? Like shit. Oh, so do you? Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop.
Family business. You think I treat you like shit?

Speaker 1 You think I treat you like shit? No, I wouldn't talk about her. Okay, good, good.
It's so funny to have you yell at him in a clip going, you think I treat you like shit?

Speaker 1 You don't treat her like shit either. No, I don't.
No, you don't. There's nobody who gets treated like shit in here except for when Carlos says.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's a shit human.

Speaker 1 I know, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.
But, Jess, can I say this? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If you came out to me in life and whatever you needed, I would provide for you.

Speaker 2 Even like a hello?

Speaker 1 No, not that.

Speaker 1 No, but if you're like... You mean something real? My toes fell off.

Speaker 1 Why are your toes falling off?

Speaker 1 Where are you? I'm just trying to create some sort of like physical thing that could happen. I get it, but I like it.
No, but like, you know, you got black toes.

Speaker 1 Careful.

Speaker 1 No, what I'm saying is that I'm not like James Baldwin black toes. You know what I mean? Is black feet like blackface if you put on black? Is that bad?

Speaker 1 You can dance now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when white people go to Antarctica

Speaker 1 and they get black feet from the fucking, you know what I mean? Snow?

Speaker 1 They should get canceled.

Speaker 1 Those aren't your toes, man. That's fucking black toes.
When people have black hands,

Speaker 1 look up Frostbite hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When they have that and they come back, we should publicly cancel that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's insane. Wow, it's insane.
That this happens, by the way.

Speaker 1 I know. That you're out there long enough to lose your fingers.

Speaker 1 I know. Why would you ever do that?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe you're stranded.

Speaker 1 Look at how many times we've signed on the internet. These people aren't all stranded.
Dude, why do people do get, why do they get black toes, though?

Speaker 1 Anyway, if you were in the comedy store.

Speaker 1 What? Why do you get black toes from Frostbite? Yeah, what's that about? It's dead. It died.
You're like the nerves. Holy fuck.

Speaker 2 Like there's no blood circulating.

Speaker 1 And then do you have to chop them off or does it just fall off automatically? I mean, they're usually not fixable when it's at that degree. They just have to cut them off.
It's like gangrene.

Speaker 1 I guess, yeah, that's the. Yeah, it's got to go.
Hey, that's what they say. They walk in, they go, got to go.
Is it green, gangrene, or is it just an arbitrary?

Speaker 1 It's like a shade of green. Because if it's purple, it would make no sense.
Purple, green. No, like gang purple.
Go ahead. Did you watch Indy?

Speaker 1 Did you watch Indy?

Speaker 1 New Indiana Jones? Are you not going to go see it? I've never honestly, can I say something? You've never seen the original. I've never seen any Indiana Jones.
Not what? In my life. I know what it is.

Speaker 1 He's a professor or something, right? Wait a minute. I've never seen Raiders the Lost Art.

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but as a kid, I thought it was more of a historical kind of a movie. Of all people, I know

Speaker 1 you're fucking.

Speaker 1 I don't believe it. I've never seen Indiana Jones.

Speaker 1 I know what it is. He's real.

Speaker 1 I know what it is. He's real.
Ask me questions. I know what it is.
There's a boulder because it's in pop culture. Like you and

Speaker 1 Harry Potter. I know boulders.
I know that he has a whip from the posters.

Speaker 1 What does he do that with? Slaves. There's really? Oh, no, it's not about slaves.
He owns slaves. That's what the whip is for in Indiana Jones.
Whoa. Yeah.
That's why. Indiana, the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Oh, slave owner. South Indiana.
No, I saw it because I know that Short Round is a character,

Speaker 1 right? Which is like the guy that was in

Speaker 1 theater, and he's in that new movie. My point is that.
No, he owns Slaves. And I think I saw a clip of them in Asia, but it could have been Indiana.
I don't know. Well, tell me about it.

Speaker 1 Is it good, though? It's fucking amazing. How many of them? There's like 20 movies, though, right? There wasn't like 20 of them.
There was like five, four or five, yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I watch this one and not watch the other ones? Yes. I'm sure

Speaker 1 I'm sure many people. They've done this because this is so long ago.

Speaker 1 Now, I'm sure they're making it where you can see anything. Wait, Sean Connery is in Indiana.

Speaker 1 What is he? He's in the third one. He plays his father.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't believe him, but yes. He does.
What do you think the Temple of Doom is about?

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, that's a movie. What do you think it's about? Well, I mean, just based on the word, right? There's a temple.
No, that's what people would think. Really? There's no temple? No temple.

Speaker 1 It's this temple. Oh, the body's the temple.
It's your brain. Right.
And inside your body is bad things going on.

Speaker 1 Doom. Yeah.
Doom and gloom, dude. Right.
Right. So it's a guy.
Oh, Temple of Dune is the enemy in the movie. And the enemy is who?

Speaker 1 Yourself.

Speaker 1 Oh, so Indiana Jones is the Temple of Dune?

Speaker 1 Doom. M.
Doom.

Speaker 1 Oh, Doon, not Dune. Doom.
Dune is a different movie. It is? Yeah.
Yeah, no, I don't Dune. I like Dune.
I like anything sci-fi. My point is that.

Speaker 1 So the Temple of Dune is really a reflection of Indiana Jones' own body. So it's happening within himself.
It's a very introspective film. Whoa.
There's no adventure? I thought it was adventure.

Speaker 1 No, low action, high, high introspective, weird visuals.

Speaker 2 There is like a 10-minute scene where he whips himself, but that's not the same thing.

Speaker 1 I think you're kidding. There's no way.

Speaker 1 It's a hit. It doesn't sound like a real thing.
First of all, he's hitting himself. He's being forced to do this.
Like from outside voices. He's hearing voices.
He's schizophrenic.

Speaker 1 Is Short Round his son? Because I haven't seen.

Speaker 1 How many movies is he in? Short round is literally in the first two seconds of the film. He's the cab driver.

Speaker 1 That's it. She drops him off.

Speaker 1 Each movie starts with him coming in off a plane, off a military plane. And Short Round picks him up from the thing.
Every movie picks him up. Yes.

Speaker 1 Really? Yes. Great to see you, Indy.
Indy, Indy. And then he drops him off.
But he knows who he is because he's famous. He's a famous slave owner, Indiana Jones.
Oh, what they had.

Speaker 1 Oh, he had Asians too? Yes.

Speaker 1 He was the best. Wait, what slaves do you think he had? The Black Islands.
No, Asians. It was all Asian slaves.
That's disgusting.

Speaker 1 There's Asian slaves in Indiana back in the day. Where do you think you guys got your start here in the United States? No, you're over the railroads?

Speaker 1 Where do you think that went to? Chuga chugga chuga joe. Indiana in the middle of the country.
So which one did I start with? The first one? I think mix it up. I think go to see this one right now.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's too late, you know, because I haven't seen Back to the Future either.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's too late. Now, this we can't play out on the fucking show.

Speaker 1 No one's going to believe it. I really haven't seen Back to the Future.
That you have. How do you know? Because it's impossible.

Speaker 1 It's not impossible. No, it's not impossible.
It is impossible to not have future future. It's not impossible not to see Black Dutch.
It is impossible to not have seen Back to the Future.

Speaker 1 It's almost like one of those things. It was like it chipped in our brain somehow.
Yeah, it's almost as impossible as not seeing Indiana Jones.

Speaker 1 Really? Hey,

Speaker 1 you're close to getting fired. You're getting fired.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So,

Speaker 1 but I want to see the Dial of Destiny. I do want to see it.
Oh, you haven't seen it yet? No. Why'd you bring it up? I saw it.
Because I was asking if you've seen it.

Speaker 2 Wait, you said it was amazing earlier.

Speaker 1 No, Indiana Indiana Jones was amazing. Oh, I'm not sure.
I haven't seen it. That's the first guy I love destiny.
That's the new one. Oh, I see.
I really want to see it.

Speaker 1 But I'm also hesitant because I like the original so much that I'm like, is this going to be yucky? It is. See?

Speaker 1 I know. That's why I'm.
It was bad, wasn't it? Let me ask you. The magic is gone.
The magic is gone. I have a trivia question.
Damn it. Who was the?

Speaker 1 You probably already know this. I'm going to ask you.
You've seen the Indiana Jones? Who was the original person they wanted, but he couldn't do it because he was on another TV show? Do you know?

Speaker 1 I do know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, it was Will Smith.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 You haven't seen it, so how do you know if I'm wrong?

Speaker 1 No, she's right, because he was shooting Wild Wild West when he got asked. No, that was way too younger.
I'm not Tom West. Buddy.
Yeah. Wild Wild West came out at the exact same time as Indiana Judge.

Speaker 1 It was Tom Salak. The Wild Wild West.
Was that a Tom Salak? It was Tom Salek. Yeah.
Imagine. It'd be just as good.
Tom Salek's the fucking man. Yeah, but it too.
Mr. Baseball.

Speaker 1 That was one of my favorite movies of all time. What's the Mr.
Baseball? Mr. Baseball? Mr.
Baseball? Mr. Baseball.
What is it? He's like a hot shot. Look up Mr.
Baseball so you can see what it is.

Speaker 1 Look at me. He's a hot shot MLB player who then is on the end of his ropes of his career.
And he goes to play baseball in Japan, falls in love with the base commissioner of baseball's daughter.

Speaker 1 Mr. Baseball.
Oh, it's an Asian movie. Yeah, he plays for the baseball.
Oh, Getty Wananabi's in it. Yes.
Dude, it's such a good movie, Mr. Baseball.
I love it. You guys have never heard of this?

Speaker 1 Nobody? Getty Wananabe was in a movie called Long 16 Candles. He played Long Duck Dong.
That's right, Long Duck Dong. There was another movie called Gung

Speaker 1 And so, when I was on Magnum once, I asked, Can we get Getty Wanabe for this one part? And they got him. So, I got to work with him.
Whoa. And I sat with Getty Wanabe for a week.

Speaker 1 And I peppered him with questions, but it was really interesting.

Speaker 1 I go, you know, because, you know, Long Duck Dong, that character, you know, it's kind of had, there's a backlash on that character because Asians are like, well, that was so stereotypical, this and that.

Speaker 1 And then some actors even say, like, why would he do? Listen, he's an actor. Every Asian actor, right, in America vied to get that part because it was the only one available.
Sure. Right?

Speaker 1 I would have been like, what's happening, a hot stopper?

Speaker 1 Like, I would have, my audition, I would have been like, what's happening, hot stopper?

Speaker 1 I would have been so, I would have done anything. I would suck everyone's dick.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would fuck the executive just to get that part. What the fuck? You know, so

Speaker 1 I look again.

Speaker 1 I go, Getty, you know, I get it. You get it.
And congratulations for doing that role. And you killed it.
He did. He took what was given and he fucking killed it.
He did kill it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Japan should do a movie about... Sending Shohei Otani here? No, like a sumo wrestle going to like Louisiana with fat white people.
Oh, that would be insanely funny. That'd be great.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Mistasumo.

Speaker 1 Nobody be famous. Mr.
Sumo. Mr.
Sumo. Mr.
Sumo. Well, look at this here, Sumo, dude.
That's what they should do to get revenge. Just send send a sumo wrestler to Louisiana.
Yeah. Come on down.

Speaker 1 Come on down. Yeah.
And they could have, like, you know, some fun times. But the sumo guy, then he would slowly transition into being like a southern boy because he started falling in love with Japan.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, he falls in love with Japan. He falls in love with a woman.
I think it's a good thing. I think that's a fact.
A sumo guy, a white girl, would go out with him or not.

Speaker 1 Would that be believable? It'd be so funny. That'd be so funny.
Well, could I be him?

Speaker 1 No. You'd have to gain like 500 feet.
I'll do it for the fucking movie. Well, then let's do it.
I want to play.

Speaker 1 If it's a good, if it's an 824 movie, I would do it. What would you be willing to to do? Anything.
Say it. Okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm A24. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, man. Yeah.
And, you know, we don't, you know, we're an organic company. Oh, that I know.
Yeah. And it's method.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, we're doing a movie about one-eye man.

Speaker 1 About one-eye man. Yeah, one-eye man.
Oh, wow. It's based on one punch man, but this, yeah, it's one punch man is a very funny, yeah, a great animation movie, right? Yeah.
There's a one-eye man.

Speaker 1 He has one eye. Cool.
White guy, but he lives in post-apocalyptic Japan. Whoa.
White. You have to lose an eye.

Speaker 1 You don't think we could CGI? We're not CGI. We're not going to.
Organic. Right.
We're natural. Let me just pitch this.
We put an eye patch over the eye that you want gone, and we CGI. No eye.

Speaker 1 No eye. Okay, let me think about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No? No.
Okay. All right.
Well, then you're not going to be able to do it. Are you going to lose an eye? You're not willing.
Would you lose an eye?

Speaker 1 It depends on how much money it is.

Speaker 1 2 million. No.
10.

Speaker 1 If it was like 25 million,

Speaker 1 I would lose an eye. Okay, that's weird because I just, when I said 10 to you, I thought you'd say yes, because I said yes to 10 in my mind.
I'd lose an eye for 10. 10 million? Come on.
Take it out.

Speaker 1 25.

Speaker 1 Because you're not going to. Because after that.
Do you hear that A24? I'll do it for less. Right.
But also, after that, right, you're going to be in auditions. Does it have to be A24?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it has to be A24. But wait a minute.
You're the audition. Now you're the guy with one eye.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Every audition, you're like, I'm not going to get this. No, that's a good thing.

Speaker 1 Diversity.

Speaker 1 Are the one-eyed Korean guy? Yeah. Oh, they're out here.

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Speaker 1 Right. Get me the one-eyed Korean guy.
That's what they say. And I could do like if they do a Korean Cyclops movie.
Who else? I could just do this. You're a Marvel superhero.
Make a movie.

Speaker 1 Make a movie.

Speaker 1 You go from A24 Cool Indie to superhero Marvel movie. Yeah.
Overnight. Overnight.
Yep. Right.
But can they move the eye to here?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think we'll have to.
Right. Thank you.
Overnight, you become a star. That'd be great.

Speaker 1 I saw a clip the other day that said Edward Norton said that he's never made a dime doing Wes Anderson movies. Never once.
What are you talking about? You can Google it.

Speaker 1 He said, I think he's from Moonrise Kingdom. He made $4,200 total.

Speaker 1 I know he is. If you look at the asteroid city, look up the castle.
You look at their cast. Yeah, I know.
Every single one of their cast is a gigantic star who usually gets millions for a part, right?

Speaker 1 And you look at Wes Anderson movies, what it does in the box office.

Speaker 1 I've seen all of them. But they're not like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They're not money. They're not even smashes.
Yeah, they're not smashes. So I 100% agree.
But that's crazy, the $4,200 for a whole film for a guy like that.

Speaker 1 That's like a Woody Allen movie in the past and all of that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now it would be a lot cheaper to do a Woody Allen.

Speaker 1 I bet you he'd have to pay a lot of money. What do you call it? What do you call it? Bobby,

Speaker 1 would you like to be in one of my films? If I can play Sun Yi.

Speaker 1 Only if I'm Sun Yee.

Speaker 1 Your wife. I don't feel that way about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It is an interesting question.
It's like, I'm asking you as an actor, right, too, you know,

Speaker 1 and you too.

Speaker 1 Would you prefer to do a, you know, a critically acclaimed movie that's going to get awards, but you're only going to make a couple of thousand dollars or some trashy blockbuster thing where you make five million ten million and it doesn't get any awards or prestige see it's hard for that's hard for me because i don't care about the awards and the prestige i just care that it's good i want it to i wish it could be good yeah but if you're telling me on the table is a fucking marvel franchise that everyone's gonna laugh at me for the rest of my fucking life are they well let's not think they will no i'm saying in this scenario, let's just say it's a Marvel franchise, and I'm not taking a shot.

Speaker 1 It's okay. But, like, Ant-Man is kind of a bummer.
For Paul Rudd is such a fucking cool dude. And not that Ant-Man's bad.
Wasn't bad. But Joshua was bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I mean, the franchise in and of itself is kind of like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah.
No one's making fun of fucking Paul Rudd because he's the shit. He's the shit.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I'm saying, but doing like Ant-Man versus doing like everything everywhere all at once for like no money at all, literally like fucking not making any money yeah

Speaker 1 i i

Speaker 1 i probably fucking do ant-man

Speaker 1 really

Speaker 1 here's why here's why i'll tell you why i know why because a lot of a lot of those actors that you read about that do those beautiful indie movies they're fucking they they're broke and they don't get any more work and people are like wait didn't you make didn't you and they're like no after i got off that movie nobody gave me any fucking money the point of what's going on in our fucking in our business right now is because nobody's getting paid anymore yeah and the fucking big cats up top are keeping all the money.

Speaker 1 So yeah, I'm going to steal the fucking money from these scumbags because they're robbing us our whole career. Also, I just did four independent comedy movies, right? You made 30 bucks.

Speaker 1 Not just the 30 bucks. When you're shooting, you can feel it.
Yeah. There's 15 guys in a little room, no air conditioning, right? And you have fucking corn nuts.

Speaker 1 That's the only thing you get for your craft service, right? You make no money. You're there forever.
All day all day. And two years ago, I did Borderlands with all the stars, right?

Speaker 1 I'm at the four seasons, eating nice food. The catering is amazing.
I mean, everything's amazing. You feel, right, like, oh my God, you know what I mean? I'm a part of it.

Speaker 1 Even if you're underpaid for that movie for Borderlands, it's still all the perks are nice. Okay, so I'm 50-50 because I agree sometimes.
Like, I did Curb, you don't make any money on Curb.

Speaker 1 It was a dream of mine. So it's like, there's things that you want to do that are a dream, but I don't want to make a big career move for a dream because

Speaker 1 who knows if it'll pay off. But that's how actors do both.
Yeah, if you're lucky enough. If you're lucky.
That's my point. Most people aren't lucky enough to.

Speaker 1 Tom Hates can dip down and go, I'll do Asteroid City for a while. He's one of the only ones I can do.
He's a millionaire. Yeah, he can do that when he's already at the top.

Speaker 1 It's like when we've talked about this, but it's like when Jim Carrey is like, you know, everything is fake and money means nothing and life is fake. And you're like, yeah, because.

Speaker 1 You haven't been to the grocery store in 24 hours.

Speaker 1 No shit is fake.

Speaker 1 I went to the hardware store today.

Speaker 1 When you don't have to do those things, you lose reality fast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you, I was on my roof today blowing off the fucking shit from my roof so I didn't ruin the roof because it stains from the tree. I was

Speaker 1 up there and my neighbor was smoking pot and I'm

Speaker 1 that's me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jim Carrey's not on his roof blowing shit off. I was at the coffee bean earlier, right?

Speaker 1 I was sitting there waiting for my Vietnamese iced coffee and a guy came up to me and he goes, wait, no entourage? I go, who the fuck do you think I am?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 By the way, way, can we start bringing entourages somewhere? Yeah, I will. But like people that don't look like they should be our entourage.
No, I want to bring, I know exactly who my crew is.

Speaker 1 You have Carlos. No, I'm going to use Dan Ramos.
Yeah. I don't know who that is.
You know Dan Ramos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan Ramos is a...
Dan Ramos? Yeah, he looks like a Filipino insect.

Speaker 1 Dan Ramos comedy.

Speaker 1 This dude looks like he hasn't taken a shower.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know that guy. Yeah, that guy.
I've seen him before.

Speaker 1 The The second photo over to the left, far left. The second photo to the all far left.

Speaker 1 Far left. Far left.
Down. Second row.
There you go. Down.
No, no, not that one. The one right next to that one.
The obvious one that we want to see. That's the one.

Speaker 1 That's who he is. I got to have him in my entourage.
Oh, yeah. Who else do you need? Because people walk away.
You say a Filipino insect. Yeah.
Interesting. Why? No, it's accurate.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what they look like, but I imagine it looks like that. Yeah, yeah.
I love the Filipinos. Some.
Yeah. All.
Some. Except for him.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I love him, but I'm just saying. But

Speaker 1 do you have an entourage on your mind?

Speaker 1 Who would I bring along for the ride? Well, I'm pretty sure there's a couple of shirt talkers. Shirt talkers? Okay.
What does that mean?

Speaker 1 He means white people. Shirt talkers? Shirt tuckers.
And I didn't mean white people. Yeah, he does.
He's always derogatory toward the white community. No, I'm not.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 A shirt tucker is not a big one.

Speaker 1 And let me tell you something, brothers. We can't let this guy keep talking to us like this.
I'm not saying that. Next thing you know, he's going to want to cut off our kids' penises.

Speaker 1 So let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 Your friends, I've seen some of them have golf shirts on and they tuck it into their khaki pants. Never in a million years.
You couldn't even name one. Unless we were golfing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When have you ever seen me golfing? You've never seen me golfing. I've seen you go in and like from either.
You've seen me go to the golf course. Exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 In the attire, and then after the attire. Sure, but no friends.

Speaker 1 I've seen your friends. I promise you I have.
Where?

Speaker 1 Your cousin. My cousin? Yeah.
Yeah. He sometimes wears that kind of clothes.
When we're golfing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've never seen it. He's been to three of our shows on tour.
I've never seen a shirt tucked in.

Speaker 1 But never because he lended to my psyche, though. No, it's not real.
You're making it up. When we're golfing, you tuck your shirt in.
Yeah. Yeah.
When you're golfing. I don't like it.
I know.

Speaker 1 I get that.

Speaker 2 You don't like order. This guy never tucks his shirt in.

Speaker 1 No. He doesn't have a shirt.

Speaker 1 He shouldn't be wearing a shirt.

Speaker 1 In my entourage, it would probably be.

Speaker 1 I keep looking at that picture of you as an Indian AI. That guy.
I want that guy.

Speaker 1 Honestly, that guy? I want Indian little people. Indian little people.
Only Indian little people in my island. Oh, you would seem wise.
Yes. A nobleman.
A nobleman. Passing through gracefully, slowly.

Speaker 1 Right. And they, for some reason, have candles.
Of course they have two candles. Yeah.
But one of them, only one of them is lit. Oh, one of them is lit.
Why some people question? Yep.

Speaker 1 Why is only the yin yang thing? I love that. You like yin yang? Yeah.
Yeah. Are you more yin or yang?

Speaker 1 I'm yang.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm more young, too. Yeah.
Yeah, we're way outside. Yeah, we're outside the whole yang.
By the way, have you guys seen Indian

Speaker 1 slap boxing? No.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Really? I've seen the slap being.
No, no, no. No, no.
Indian slap boxing is all over the internet again. Look at this.

Speaker 1 This is amazing. Go to the first one.
Look at this shit. This is so fucking wonderful.
This makes me want to go to Indian Market.

Speaker 1 Look at these. Look at these.

Speaker 1 So what's happened is

Speaker 1 they're politely battling. slap slap slap oh it's great so if you make a fist they're out you can't punch it's slapping

Speaker 1 and it's in the sand look at the beautiful sand and there's one guy just chilling in the ring

Speaker 1 who's meditating yeah he's thinking about all the pain that they're enduring he's trying to wish their pain away

Speaker 1 oh you can throw I almost posted this today and was like, this is me and Bobby on tour. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can toss. You can toss.
But the slapping is fine. You just can't punch.
Okay. Genius.
That guy won for sure. Yeah.
I mean, beautiful. I would love to see a woman do females fight.

Speaker 2 And that's just how women always fight.

Speaker 1 That's right. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever actually slapped somebody?

Speaker 1 No, punch. Just only punch.
Slap?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Slaps with weird voices.

Speaker 1 I slap asses. No, no, she means like out of aggression.
Yeah, or like. Aggressive.
I like it.

Speaker 1 Trust me, it's aggressive.

Speaker 1 I lick my palm and everything.

Speaker 1 Do it right now. What? Let me see.
Yeah. Pash! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh! Yeah. Oh, no, do it again.
It's actually like this.

Speaker 1 Pash! Come on, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what we harder, baby. Yeah, that's what I like.
Come on, Bobby.

Speaker 2 I want to learn how to fight.

Speaker 1 Lil, get up. Let's do it.

Speaker 2 Well, Bobby taught me some moves on the road. Some defense moves.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just get a gun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be easy.

Speaker 1 Let's just get you a gun. Can we get her a gun?

Speaker 2 But I'd rather learn something because what if I forget my gun or it's not loaded? We're not.

Speaker 1 You'll get that thing on you, baby You want to learn how to fight? Let's do it. You want to take Krav Maga?

Speaker 2 What's the best one to take Krav Maga?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's the Israeli defense.

Speaker 1 The Israeli defense shit. Let's rank them.

Speaker 2 Jiu-Jitsu is something. You rank them?

Speaker 1 I just don't like it. Either you got Jiu-Jitsu or Krav Maga.
I know. It's a little shaky.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 In terms of like

Speaker 1 what really works in real time, in real life. Yeah.
You can look at the MMA and go, okay, so it's like you never see some guy that's like, he's a black belt and Taekwondo.

Speaker 1 Taekwondo isn't probably not going to do it. Right.
You never see Tai Chi.

Speaker 2 Tai Chi is moving energy.

Speaker 1 I know, but it's still a martial art. It is a martial arts.
Oh, yeah. And it's for fighting, right? Or not.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 But I think jiu-jitsu is probably the number one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, jiu-jitsu's probably

Speaker 1 a karate.

Speaker 2 That's a crazy one to start with, though, right? It's so popular right now, but you're like so up and down.

Speaker 1 Kung Fu?

Speaker 1 Do you mean karate? Kung Fu. Brizzly.

Speaker 1 Kung Fu. Never heard of it.
Kung Fu. What is that? Is that a dish? Kung Fu Bistro? Yeah, I've been to Kung Fu Bistro.
Yeah, that's delicious. So Taekwondo, Kung Fu, Judo.
Yeah, Judo's good. Judo Gudo.

Speaker 1 Judo's good. Muay Thai.
Muay Thai is fine. Good.

Speaker 2 What's the difference between them, though?

Speaker 1 Well, Muay Thai is a lot of kicking. And you know what I like?

Speaker 1 The Muay Thai...

Speaker 1 Kickboxing. When you grab the back of the neck and you Muay Thai, the face of the knee.
Yeah. Anderson Silver did that a lot.
Yeah, he would grab the head. Yeah, grab the head and do it.

Speaker 1 Jeek Kundu from China. Whoa.
That's just a guy.

Speaker 1 You just talk to him for a while.

Speaker 1 That sounds nice. Yeah, it's just a conversation.
What else is that? Akido. Akido is with swords.
Akido's good, yeah. Isn't that with samurais? Yeah.
Look at Japan's fucking dominating, by the way.

Speaker 1 Non-aggressive. Oh, Akido's non-aggressive.
Never mind. Bro, I've been watching

Speaker 1 Ken Burns' World War II documentary, and the Japanese... Brutal.
They were cricket.

Speaker 1 They were insane. I know.
They went everywhere.

Speaker 1 Dude, imagine invading China.

Speaker 1 They went to China. That's why I like them, though.
Yeah. The balls on those guys.
Right. But it's like they went to the Philippines.
They went everywhere. And they did so many crazy things.

Speaker 1 They did a lot of bad shit. They did so many bad things.
Scraping people and cutting. Pretty gross.
It's gross. And then we got them back.
Did we not? We got them, baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, bomb, bomb, bomb, right? Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
No, it was really... What's so funny? Is that bad?

Speaker 1 It is true. It is true.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They were nuts in a good way, though. They were fun.
Imagine crashing a plane with you inside of it. The balls.
The fucking balls. To be like, you got to stay in it.
They're like, no, jump out.

Speaker 1 They're like, no, no.

Speaker 1 You stay in it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Inside it. I'm literally inside or just metaphorically inside.
No, no. Your spirit and your body are inside.
Oh, so my body. Yeah, you're in it.
No. No.

Speaker 1 Okay, take this. What is this? Just take it.
Okay. Go ahead.
Take it.

Speaker 1 How about now? Yes.

Speaker 1 You know they were jacked up

Speaker 1 on methamphetamine. You know that, right? Oh, they were? You don't know about this? You've never heard this? Same thing with the Nazis.
Exact same shit. Meth, huh?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they were on fucking methamphetamine. That's amazing.
So they would get them jacked up out of their fucking mind, kamikaze pilots, and then they would just, they'd be like, we got to do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'd be something.

Speaker 1 I would say I would do it,

Speaker 1 but you know what I would do. If I could tuck it behind your ear and use it for later.
No, well, not no. In terms of like the bonsai thing, the kamikaze shit, I mean, right? I would eject.

Speaker 1 You would shoot at me. Right before I hit, they would see just a random Japanese guy waiting in the water.
But they'd also see your parachute and be like, what? Did you pack a shoot?

Speaker 1 No, I lost weight. I lost weight in the ocean.
This is my swimsuit. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
But can I say another thing? Huh? Is that in this documentary?

Speaker 1 So there were some islands that had Japanese civilians living. They had towns and stuff, right?

Speaker 1 And once the Americans or the Allies took over the island, the Japanese citizens, they just jumped off the cliff because the Emperor Hiroito said, you can't surrender, so you have to kill yourself.

Speaker 1 No surrender, no rest. So people just jumped off cliffs.
So they would find like civilians just in the water with babies. And that's how crazy they were.

Speaker 1 They were so indoctrinated into, you know, I mean, this dude. Nationalism.
Nationalism. It's believed.
Well, they believed. Yeah.
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Speaker 1 Like, like, watch this. Play a cricket who lives in Alabama.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 Hey, me, hey, man.

Speaker 1 What's going on? I'm a cricket.

Speaker 1 You don't have to tell us what you are. Just.
Oh, shit, shit, yeah. Just read the lines.
All right.

Speaker 1 Just read the lines. You know, it's a dinner date.
Yeah, y'all. Yeah.
My name is Bob Hoskins.

Speaker 1 Is that a real person? It says Bob Hodgkins. Like, like,

Speaker 1 Lynn Fox. Hey, y'all.
He has cancer.

Speaker 1 Is that that cricket noise? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket. My name is Bob.

Speaker 1 I'm a guy. You know what?

Speaker 1 I think it's safe to date this girl.

Speaker 1 I'm not good, right? Give me another shot. Give me something else.

Speaker 1 You, you, go ahead, Juice. You got one.
What character can you play?

Speaker 2 Okay, you are a dragon. Oh, a dragon.

Speaker 1 And you just relax. You don't even know the fucking scene yet.
I know, but I got to get into dragon mode.

Speaker 2 You just woke up from 300 years of slumber.

Speaker 1 That part he'll kill.

Speaker 2 I'm kind of giving it up a softball here.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a softball player. It's a softball playing dragon

Speaker 1 who just woke up from 300 years of sleep and you're at the championship game and you're at the plate. Yeah.
And the catcher is talking shit.

Speaker 1 Wait, what? I wake up.

Speaker 1 Where's my bat?

Speaker 1 Where's my bat? Hey, man, just step up and hit the ball, will you?

Speaker 1 That's it. That's really good.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Well, you do one then.

Speaker 1 Fucking make a character. I'll do it right now.
All right.

Speaker 1 High energy. Easy.
Right? High energy. Almost meth-like.
Right?

Speaker 1 Speedy. Speedy.

Speaker 1 Sloth.

Speaker 1 A sloth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's lines. Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's lines, sir. Read the lines.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do me a favor.

Speaker 1 Very good. Yeah, that's good, right? Yeah, a little slower, probably the language dialogue, but.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you so much. Do it again?

Speaker 1 Slower. He didn't like hit it.
Slower part. I couldn't have done it any better.

Speaker 1 I feel like you got your joint.

Speaker 1 You got it. You got it.

Speaker 1 I've been watching a lot of that fucking, not Planet Earth, but it's like the Our Planet 2.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've seen Our Planets. Our Planet the Second one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this one's got a lot more killing. You know how the other one kind of they look away when the kill is about to happen?

Speaker 1 Not this one, dude. Yeah.
They showed little baby sea turtles trying to get to the water. Oh, dude.
Dude. It's awesome.
Just a fucking bird just coming down, just smoking it, dude.

Speaker 1 And one guy got flipped over by a bird, and a little turtle couldn't get back over, and a crab just came and grabbed it

Speaker 1 and went away. It was so dope.
There was a one I saw where there was like iguanas in mid-island, they have their babies, yes, and the snakes are just chilling, like, look at these idiots, right?

Speaker 1 And they would just get them, and I'm like, you know what I mean? How about do it closer to the fucking water, bitch?

Speaker 1 Show me how they get them. Chill me.
I like when you animate it. Look at the snake chilling.
So they, you know, there he is. Eight pranky, there they are again.

Speaker 1 Another year.

Speaker 1 Stupid idiots. Yeah.
So check this out. Look at the one right there.
The little

Speaker 1 one with the. Ah, the juicy one.
Well, I was going to say something else. What? I think it was boring.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 No, say it. I know you don't want to get canceled, but say it.
No. Look at that little one with the.
I think it's missing a little hand.

Speaker 1 And its spine is twisty. Oh, no.
Yeah, look at that one. What do you call it? Wait, wait, no.
Oh, I'm having the best time of my life, Frankie.

Speaker 1 What do you call that, Frankie? Frankie, what do you call that?

Speaker 1 It starts with an R. A Lizzard.

Speaker 1 It's a Lizzar. Let's get it.

Speaker 1 Wrap you up and take you down, baby.

Speaker 2 I feel bad for the iguana, but happy for the snakes.

Speaker 1 I know. Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 He had to get his vape off the charger. Dude, that's so funny.
You made it out to be like you forgot you had to do something important. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, shit, I had to call my mom. No, it's just, it turned green.
I was like, oh, it's my time. It's my time.
I thought we were going to put away vapes. I know.
I just, but it's Carlos's fault.

Speaker 1 There's no way those things can be. It's not good.
Those things can't happen. It's not good.
You know what? Can I be honest with you? My right arm is tingly.

Speaker 1 Oh, like all the time. Smoke up, baby.
It likes me all the time. It tingles.
And the other night, dude, something fucking happened. I literally thought I was having a stroke.

Speaker 1 So at 4:30 in the morning, I had a pinch in my back

Speaker 1 where I went, ow, ow, ow, I like verbally said, ow, ow, ow, ow. And I had to stand up and I had to bang my back against the wall to where it was hurting.

Speaker 1 But it was so excruciatingly hurtful and painful that I almost went to the hospital. Would the pinch in your back, where? How high?

Speaker 1 Mid-back, in the middle of my back, maybe off to the right a little bit. It fucking hurt.

Speaker 2 Like your right... It sounds like you might be talking about your heart.
Your left.

Speaker 2 Okay, never mind. Just making sure you're high.

Speaker 1 The back heart part. The back heart part? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is the back heart heart part important? It's the whole, your whole back is your back heart part. Yeah, but is it important? Very.
Okay. It's probably the most important, they say.
Okay.

Speaker 1 That's why they tell you to sleep on your side, not on your back. Yeah, I slammed it and then eventually I did some breathing exercises and it went away.
What were they?

Speaker 1 And I held my breath in and I calmed my nerves and it just slowly went away. Really? Yeah.
I also did Downward Dog.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I love Downward Dog. I did Downward Dog.
You know, I did some yoga stuff that I've learned. You know what I mean? Downward Syndrome Dog, yours.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Downward Syndrome.

Speaker 1 Downward Syndrome.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I was doing Downward Syndrome Dog.
And eventually, you know, and doing those positions. Eventually, I had my own Olympics.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I saw when you said to me, it reminded me when you said about him not being able to look you not being able to look him in the eye.

Speaker 1 I saw the image of you

Speaker 1 looking down when he looks at you. And it made me really sad.
Really? Yeah, because I want to just bring this back to the beginning. I love you so much.
I love you too.

Speaker 2 That's all I wanted. We moved past it.

Speaker 1 Honestly, but then you brought him up. I love you so much, and I talk about you all the time to people.

Speaker 2 And I always go, like, who's that creep staring at me over there?

Speaker 1 No, I always say, like, who do you think is the next thing up? I think she is. Well, you deserve, you, you deserve the continuation.

Speaker 1 You call, you texted me the other day about bad news, but it ended up being really good news.

Speaker 2 What was the bad news? I didn't get JFL. I didn't, but it, but it, I what,

Speaker 2 but here's what, what, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I love you so much. What, what?

Speaker 1 She didn't get it. That's insane.

Speaker 2 Well, I was sad about it for a few hours, but I got over it because what happened was

Speaker 1 I know, trust me. No, no, no, no.
No, don't get over it. It's a war.
It's a war. Well,

Speaker 1 no, no, no. It's a diss on us.

Speaker 1 It's a diss. They think that agents have the power.

Speaker 2 By getting over it, I meant it actually brought the power back into what I want to do and what I want to create.

Speaker 2 I started bringing the trumpet back into my act and really just like feeling fearless of what I'm doing because I'm tired of like auditioning for a while. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm tired of like showing off for these people. I want to like me.
It's like, maybe it's just not the time, you know, but I don't know if I'll be able to.

Speaker 1 It is the time.

Speaker 2 Fuck the trumpet. But I have so many people supporting me now from bad friends, from you guys, like going on the road.

Speaker 1 Stop being positive. But here we go.
Let's go negative.

Speaker 1 Let's stay in the dark place for a second, okay?

Speaker 2 There is a dark sliver to this where I'm like, I'm done doing this stuff.

Speaker 2 I'm going to focus on the support I have.

Speaker 1 We're going to war! But I'm so sorry to hear that.

Speaker 2 But I did find out after the fact that there already are agents scouting me.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Oh, yeah, they are.

Speaker 1 I've been asked from my people about you. They're out there, baby.

Speaker 2 They're out there. Things are happening.
You're on the map. I'm headlining.

Speaker 2 I'm doing my own thing while we're

Speaker 2 on break from the tour.

Speaker 1 Plug it in. Yeah.
Can I tell you? No, say it right now. She's in Irvine.

Speaker 2 irvine next wednesday that oh well i should say oh this is already out but i can plug the two uh i'm doing the wise guys one that you took me to yeah keith that has is having me back doing one night at salt lake city and two nights in vegas the 27th in uh salt lake city and the 28th and 29th in vegas where what wait of this month of july of july july so salt lake city go see her and vegas go see her wise guys i went there with polly and i went to salt lake city with you and that's where i met keith as a feature and now i'm coming back to headlines awesome Amazing.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of shit that I love to hear. See, that's the positive spin I like.

Speaker 2 And I just want to be the best comedian I can be. That's all I'm looking at.
It seems like they're going after people who've already made a following, and they're not really a new family.

Speaker 1 They're ticking boxes.

Speaker 2 Ticking boxes? Yes.

Speaker 1 Ticking bombs, are you saying? Boxes. Checking boxes.
Checking boxes. Oh, checking boxes.
I was like, they're bombs.

Speaker 1 I was like, they're ticking bombs.

Speaker 1 You're right. They're checking boxes.

Speaker 1 No, they're going, oh,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 we have the you know the Puerto Rican blind guy. How is that guy? He's crazy.
I've heard he does crush really well. He crouches.
He can't make it to the stage half the time. Yeah, he keeps falling.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does stand up sometimes from the side of the room.
And sometimes he doesn't even show up to the venue because he has to.

Speaker 1 Like a lot of times I see he hits his eyes and goes, is this thing on? Right, which is a funny job. That's a funny bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a funny bit.
That's a good one.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, the 9'3 Nigerian female who happens to be, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Wait, the girl from the WNBA? Yeah, she's a stand-up channel.

Speaker 2 She's awesome. I look up to her somehow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so she, you know what I mean? They have, you know, they check boxes. Like, do we have...
And you're... Who else are they checking?

Speaker 1 Just tell me some of the other people that they're checking. Yeah, the Irish black guy who also has to be a dwarf, but he also has bilingual issues.

Speaker 1 Bilingual issues? Yeah. You're talking about LaQuan Murphy.
Yes. Laquan Murphy is really good.
He mixes the two languages. Like, he sometimes will, one word would be Korean.
Right.

Speaker 1 The next word would be fucking, you know what I mean? I I thought you said Irish black guy. That's what's crazy about it.
But he speaks Korean and Portuguese. Which is what's crazy about it.

Speaker 1 What a hook. What? What a hook.
Yeah, I actually kind of get it. I'm always on board for our games.
Yeah. I don't think I can do that.
What?

Speaker 1 I was going to try to do Portuguese, Korean, Irish, black guy.

Speaker 1 Out of all the things, I think you've

Speaker 1 stopped me. I know.
I'm giving you a challenge. It's so hard.

Speaker 1 Will you try?

Speaker 1 Korean, black, Irish, Portuguese guy. Yeah, no, but the language is one word is in Korean, the other one's in Portuguese.
Give it a go.

Speaker 1 That is true.

Speaker 1 Give it a go. Give it a go, give it a go.

Speaker 1 So hard. I know.
It's so hard. It's so hard.
It's a challenge of your life.

Speaker 2 Say it again. I don't even quite understand it.

Speaker 1 So he's a black Irishman, right? Who happens to be a dwarf? Oh, what? He's a little person?

Speaker 1 That doesn't mean. It's just the voice is different.
I didn't know. The voice is more like this.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 The voice is different. You can change the voice, but it's in the language, right? So you need to do, you know, one word in Korean.
You can make that up. If you don't even know.
Boju Jeng Poscado.

Speaker 1 Is that him?

Speaker 1 That's true. It is.

Speaker 1 But it's got to be higher. Yeah.
Boju Jeng Poscado.

Speaker 1 That ever famous. That's it.
He's good. I like it.
He'll get a deal from HBO right then. Who do you think? Who else got their box ticked?

Speaker 1 You know. Why do you keep asking? Because you know all the comics that got their box ticked.

Speaker 1 You know some of the comics. You got your finger on the pulse.
Your finger's on the pulse.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 I know one. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 They're half and half.

Speaker 1 Half and a half what? Cream and milk?

Speaker 2 Gender.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 Half and half.

Speaker 1 So they're gender non-specific. But it's like, I know what it is.

Speaker 1 I've seen that person. You know who I'm talking about? Yeah, it's like Harvey Two-Face.
Yeah. Oh, right.
So it's literally

Speaker 1 a calf. Yeah.
Half man, half woman from down the line. It's half this way.
Right, so the lipstick on this side of the mouth.

Speaker 1 I've seen her. yeah but they're all she's great yeah wait she's great they are great they are oh my bad they are they're great

Speaker 1 my bad so it's half a dick and one ball well we can't ask well we have to ask yeah you can't ask

Speaker 1 i shouldn't even

Speaker 1 ask you shouldn't even know yeah i mean you know what that could happen and i'm just throwing it out there science-wise and i've read this on you know i mean theories but when you open up her vagina there's a penis inside it

Speaker 1 so that is their opening yeah yeah but how do you feel about not ever being on a list of anything um I mean this with all my heart. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I couldn't fucking care less. Yeah.
I care so fucking little about that. It's I maybe sometimes I think I should care.
And then I go, no, I don't fucking give a shit.

Speaker 1 But like when a friend gets it, stoked. Yeah.
I couldn't be happier when someone I know because I don't care about it. But I don't know.
No, I don't fucking give a shit at all.

Speaker 2 Rejection can be a positive thing, though.

Speaker 1 Well, you deal with it your whole life. Your whole career is fucking

Speaker 1 get out of here.

Speaker 2 You stink. It does motivate you, though, to like get rid of any expectations or pressure.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because it was like, okay, if someone's fucking with me anyway, then, and that's how you get in your head when you feel really good.

Speaker 1 Even though many people are fucking with me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, many people do.

Speaker 2 You just kind of feel free to create, and you should feel like that all the time.

Speaker 1 Totally.

Speaker 1 Dave, our TV show, Dave, got one Emmy nomination. Can we congratulate this? Yeah, congratulations.
This is so funny. Soundtrack? Yeah.
No, really? Yeah, shoes. But we're both of best shoes.

Speaker 1 What is it? It's Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt got nominated for best guest star in a comedy series.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, he's not going to win. Yeah, but that's still cool.
He's not even going to come close.

Speaker 1 Because Ted Lasso is going to fucking sweep it again like it does every time. Brad Pitt, best comedy guest actor for Dave.

Speaker 1 He's never won an Emmy, I don't think. Oh, okay.
And so this is like their shot, I guess. But it's not going to fucking happen.
But it won't be SNL.

Speaker 1 And if it's not Leslie Odom Jr., it'll be Nathan Lander, Only Murders.

Speaker 1 Because he's fucking. Have you seen that show? Uh-uh.
I heard it's great. It's fucking non-stop good to me.

Speaker 2 Did you guys watch The Idol?

Speaker 1 No, I've heard that. I'm going to watch it.
Let's go back to the

Speaker 1 Idol.

Speaker 1 Tell me about it. What?

Speaker 1 Only Murderers? Yeah. Steve Martin, Martin Short.
I know what it is. Is it great? It's phenomenal.
I think it's so good. I think it's so good because they're so love.
I love the. It's kitchen.

Speaker 1 It's kitschy. It's a little old-fashioned.
It's kitschy. Yeah.
But it's aware of itself. Like, it's very self-aware.
It knows it's kitschy, but it's wonderful. And Steve Martin and Martin Schrewer.

Speaker 1 Martin Schwerry might be one of the fucking funniest humans to ever walk the earth. The way he's like this, he's so like,

Speaker 1 he's so theatrical. His manner is so good, man.
He's so funny. But yeah, Brad Pick got a nom for Dave.
I think that was the only nomination. The new I took a photo with the other day.

Speaker 1 I tell you about this. He was so nice.
It's Chevy Chase. Oh, yeah.
I really love Chevy Chase.

Speaker 2 I also got to meet him once.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was so nice. Was he at the club? Yeah.
Well, his daughter works at the club. Yeah, and I walked off stage, and then he goes, Robert, do you want a photo? Let's take a photo.

Speaker 1 Well, he kind of volunteered it, and I took a photo with him. I was just like, oh my god, this is amazing.
That's because I've been so like intimidated. Because, yep, dude, Fletch, fucking caddish.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you name it. Yeah.
Vacation. I mean, legend.
Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, so nice.
Then you've heard things too that maybe he's a little weird, but I didn't see that.

Speaker 1 All I ever heard was that they, then they'd been public about it, that he was tough to work with. Yeah, but no.
Do you think people say that about you? Tough to work with sometimes

Speaker 1 well i mean you know aries spears just did that uh my other podcast i know you know me right we don't say the word by the way we surpassed them in subscribers last week

Speaker 1 we surpassed them bad friends good yeah it should be that's right because you and i are wham we're wham yeah i'm wooh and you're am yeah but i remember aries going um

Speaker 1 Yeah, you pooed, you know what I mean, in my dressing room or something. I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Tough to work with. Not in the toilet, on the ground.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's because back home, they just have a hole in the ground. No, it does on a TV show.
But, I mean, where you're from, don't you guys poop in holes? You mean from San Diego? San Diego.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about, man?

Speaker 1 Is San Diego San Diego, South Korea? Yes. Oh.
We say it like San Diego. San Diego.
Yeah. San Diego.
Oh, you mean San Diego, California? No, no. San Diego.

Speaker 1 I've been having the best sleep of my entire life. You have? I got to tell you, I've got the remedy.
I texted Taylor Tomlinson two nights ago. That's it?

Speaker 1 That's the solution? If you text Taylor Tomlinson right before you go to bed, she gives you like a little soliloquy to me. Oh, I didn't know.
I'll text her tonight then. She goes, rest your head.

Speaker 1 You'll soon be dead. It's unfortunate that your hair is red.
And I went to bed. I'll do that tonight, then.
No, seriously, I texted her because I saw her post something on Instagram about

Speaker 1 not being able to sleep after coming back from Australia.

Speaker 1 She just got back, and I said, I swear to God, I thought this was so stupid, but I cut out coffee for a little bit when I got back because a buddy was like, cut out coffee for a couple of days so your body's not like humming on as much caffeine as you usually do.

Speaker 1 And then, right before you go to bed, drink a warm glass of milk. And I thought, yeah, right.
And I did. I swear to God, I passed out.

Speaker 1 And I've been doing it now if I have a little bit of trouble sleeping. A warm glass of milk.
And I'm. I'm lactose.

Speaker 1 They get a lactose-free warm glass of fucking milk. I don't know, you new age pussy.
No, but I don't get diarrhea in the middle of the night. That's even funnier.

Speaker 1 You sleep like a baby, just shitting yourself all night. Just

Speaker 1 let me ask you another question. Just get a bed.

Speaker 1 Plastic sheets.

Speaker 1 If you're. Are you really lactose intolerant? I am.
I never knew that about you. Oh, yeah.
We eat cheese and shit all the time together. And ice cream.
Yeah, we eat ice cream together.

Speaker 1 And you're not there for the aftermath. That's true.
Send us a video.

Speaker 1 It's a disaster. You just have to take lactate.
Is that what you do? Last night I had to. I was at Big Bod's big boy, and the person I was with gave me my lactate.

Speaker 1 Who was it? Some girl I'm hanging out with. Is this a new love interest?

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to ask you something. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it okay to date a girl who's also thinking about she had one open mic?

Speaker 1 Oh, it's dangerous. This is really dangerous.
I think the fact that I'm like,

Speaker 1 listen, you know, you know, I've been in these situations before. It generally doesn't work out.
You know what I mean? Because we're just in two different places. She's like, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And it's like, I want to support her because I think she can do it.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah.
But it's like, I don't know if I want to be the beginning of someone's career. That's tough.
Yeah. That's a tough place to be.
You know, how do you set boundaries? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Well, that's going to be harder. Because I've done it before, and this is what always happens.

Speaker 1 Come on, you asked me to open. Yeah.
And then you do, and then you're dealing.

Speaker 1 It sucks. And then it sucks.
No, I'll tell you what sucks about it is you start taking on their nervousness. Oh.
Like one time

Speaker 1 I took a girl that was a comic that was dating

Speaker 1 to open for me. And she wasn't featuring.
She had a five-minute guest spot.

Speaker 1 yeah and she was pacing back and forth backstage like i gotta kill man i gotta kill like and i was taking on her nervousness and in my mind i'm like this doesn't feel right yeah it's not yeah because i have to focus on my um headlining you could date a girl who's a comic who's established i think yeah i think it'd be harder to date someone that's starting out yeah do you really like this person i do but look at me in the eyes i do you do yeah but were you looking at my ear or my eyes your ears okay definitely your ears wait a minute you really do like her though yeah i mean she's cool I like her a lot, but I'm just saying

Speaker 1 it's an issue. That's dangerous.
It's so dangerous. It sucks.
How many girls have slept over at the house since you've been single?

Speaker 1 Sleepover through the night into the morning. Sleepover? One.

Speaker 1 One.

Speaker 1 One girl.

Speaker 1 And in the morning, how does that go? Because you're interesting in the morning. I don't sleep.
Right. So you just stay up all night staring at the ceiling.
No, I'm just staring at the ceiling. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, no, sometimes I do this, though. Sometimes I'll be like this, and I'll look over at my PlayStation, and I'll look back on the sky.

Speaker 1 Because that's what I want to be. Why don't you just put a screen on the ceiling? Oh, that'd be cool.
Why wouldn't you do that? Play on your back. Then you just play on your back the whole night.

Speaker 1 Let's do it. You can afford it.
I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to buy that really for Christmas.
I'm going to install that. That's really cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because then you don't have to wake her up. You don't have to get up.
So one girl slept over in the morning. I'm seeing one girl that goes, Do I'm seeing this other girl right now?

Speaker 1 How many people are on your roster? You got a football team or a basketball team?

Speaker 1 I'm only physically seeing one person. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 i know that i'm not trying to call you out i'm saying how many people are you talking to football team football team yeah nice but i'm seeing this one girl and she goes this is the best up front she's like first of all

Speaker 1 we're never gonna sleep together on the same bed i can't sleep next to somebody cool and in my mind i went ding yes right and she goes um also if we hypothetically ever live together she goes i need to sleep in either a different house or a different room this is even better better.

Speaker 1 You love this. Ding.

Speaker 1 And then I asked her a question: I go, so if I said to you, I want to play 12 hours of video games, right? What do you? She goes, I don't give a fuck. It's your life.
Ding, right?

Speaker 1 And the only negative, she has a penis.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 No, no, the only, there's no negative.

Speaker 1 But my point is, is that, and then, like, so she's been, you know, at my house, and she's always like, right after we have, you know, hookup, she's like, are you going to call me Uber?

Speaker 1 She's ready to go. Yeah, it's really cool.
Hey, yeah, it's a lot of things. Yeah, you've been dating anybody, no, you keeping it celibate.

Speaker 2 I bought new pedals for my trumpet.

Speaker 1 Holy fucking shit.

Speaker 2 I've gone full into my stand-up.

Speaker 1 You're diving deep into you. Yeah, I really like that.
Good for you. You have new pedals for your trumpet?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have this amp, and you can, I have the mute. I showed you guys, it's like an electronic mute, and you can plug it into guitar pedals and switch the sound up.

Speaker 1 I'm just you're really using the money wisely. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's all going back into the art.

Speaker 1 She really is, dude. But why is that?

Speaker 2 Because I will make it back.

Speaker 1 I know, but no, my point is, why are you cutting off a very important aspect of the human experience?

Speaker 1 Which is, you know, ultimately fucking and sucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, love will come. I have to, uh, hey, but I have to.

Speaker 1 Slow down. Slow down, bud.
Because you don't always get to come. Yeah, yeah.
Hey, go on, go.

Speaker 2 But I have, and I'm also headlining in Austin. Okay,

Speaker 1 we already did that already. We did the pitching.

Speaker 2 I have five hours to go through. Eventually, I'm going to have to do more tapings if I want.
Like, I really have to focus right now. Yeah.
And I really want to deliver a good product for people.

Speaker 1 But that never goes away, though. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you do have to have a balance of life and love and happiness and work because all that stuff will crash down. Otherwise, you'll just be focused on one thing and then it'll all

Speaker 2 I just feel really hungry right now for like

Speaker 2 if it's if it's servicing you then you should but don't deny the other stuff no I won't and I also don't go out in LA like do you guys go out are you at the store tonight no no my my best friend's coming to town so I'm the next couple nights

Speaker 2 well we might tomorrow

Speaker 1 do we go out no I don't go fucking go out I went out with my parents this weekend because they were here for the fourth we went out and had a fucking blast how come I didn't see your parents honestly be real you don't want to introduce me I know I took them I we every single day we went out to do a thing and it was

Speaker 1 a lot. But I want to meet them.
I know, dude, but it was so much fun. I've never met your mother.
I know. Carlos met them.

Speaker 1 Fancy, why would you bring that up?

Speaker 1 Carlos met them because he was here. It was so funny.

Speaker 1 We were getting breakfast, and I said, hey, we're near the studio. You know? Actually, I didn't even offer it.
Someone else did. And then my mom was like, can I see this dude?

Speaker 1 And I said, yeah, I guess. So we walk over here,

Speaker 1 and I open the door, and it stinks like fucking weed. And I mean, reeks of like someone's ripping fucking

Speaker 1 smokes, does drugs in your fucking.

Speaker 2 You smoke weed?

Speaker 1 Carlos. Oh, Carlos.
That's Carlos? I opened the door.

Speaker 1 I opened the door and Carlos is shit face stoned on the couch like this. And he goes, hey, Andrew, what's up, man? And he closes his laptop.
I go, what are you doing here, man?

Speaker 1 And he was like, I'm waiting for packages for fan stuff. And I was like, okay.

Speaker 1 And he met your parents? And I was like, here's my parents. And they were

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 yeah, they were like, who's that like

Speaker 1 mini-me Larry David guy that we met? And then my mom goes, who is that man? And I said, we kind of taken him in a stray.

Speaker 1 And I let him sleep in the studio because he doesn't really have a place to live. Did they stay at your parents? Your house? Yeah.
Oh, that's cool.

Speaker 1 So you spent a lot of time with your parents. We sat by the pool and talked.
Oh, that's nice. We talked about all the controversial stuff that you want to get into with your parents.
Bud Light. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, good, good, good, good.

Speaker 1 That's it. Good, good, good.
We spent four days talking about Bud Light, if I'm going to be honest with you. No, but then we took them to go watch the fireworks because

Speaker 1 I get to go see a special fireworks show because I'm a special person. Yeah, I've never seen that.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 At the 4th of July, I remember sitting by myself. I was playing Elden Ring again.

Speaker 1 And in the distance, you hear, pew, pew, pew, pew. And I realized, I go, oh, I've never seen that.
You've never gone to watch fireworks?

Speaker 1 I've seen it in the movies where I'm like, oh, that's what fireworks look like. So I've never seen it in real life.

Speaker 2 I don't believe you.

Speaker 1 Well, he's walked outside and seen them. He means he's never been near a show.
In the distance, no, like in the distance, like from far away, I'll go, oh, what's that? A nuclear bomb?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, it's fireworks. Fireworks, right? But sometimes it could be nuclear.
It's in your DNA to feel that way. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's like, I've never like been, no one's ever called, hey, let's go to the beach and watch. I don't know if they do at the beach.
I'm sure they do it at the beach. Like that? Like up close.

Speaker 1 I've never seen that. It's so dope.

Speaker 1 Invite me next time to somebody. Okay.
I'm being real. Yeah,

Speaker 1 we do it right here, and

Speaker 1 they put it right over our heads. I don't get invited to anything.
I would have to. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't do that.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't have come to the thing I.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you don't want to go to things that you get invited to. I think that's a.

Speaker 1 Well, then start to change it. Change what? I'm saying right now, I'm willing to go anywhere.

Speaker 1 With anybody. So everyone and everyone, anyone that's listening, ask them.
Ask me. You have to say yes for a week.

Speaker 1 Whatever I say. You have to say yes for a week.
I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll do it. Well, it's not like Easter egg hunting.
I don't want to do that. Well, why? See, this is interesting.

Speaker 1 No, I don't want to do that. Well, why? It's dumb.
Why? Because I have eggs in my fridge. Yeah, but these are colored.
And sometimes. You have white eggs.
Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.