Ying, Yang, Yong

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Hey, everybody! Hey, we're on tour in the fall. In the fall.
We're going to be in Rochester, New York. Yeah, baby.
Then we're coming to Northfield, which is Cleveland, Ohio. Homestead, Pennsylvania.
Homestead, Pennsylvania. We're doing two shows.
That's basically Pittsburgh. The first one sold out.
Come to the Late Show. Then where did we go? Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston. We are in Boston, Massachusetts.
D.C. Washington, D.C.
Denver. Denver, Colorado.
Milwaukee. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Then Chicago, my hometown. Minnesota.
Minneapolis. Then Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Twin Cities.
And we end it all in Madison, Wisconsin. Come check us out.
It's going to be great. Come check us out.
Go to badfriendspod.com. We're adding dates as we go.
Badfriendspod.com. Daka.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Yeah, it's funny.

I'm not, I'm like, I've always been, I've never looked at a cop in the eyes.

You can't.

When they pull me over, I'm always, you know what you do is you look at their ear.

What?

Yeah, I always look at their right ear.

Look at me.

I'm looking at your ear right now.

So you're the cop.

Yeah.

Right?

So this is what I do. Go ahead.
You know why I pulled you over no whoa see I gotta tell you I don't know if it's your eyes but it's worth I can't tell what you're looking at exactly this is amazing it's amazing maybe it's your eyes let me do it to you let me see let me see yeah and I go hello wait the cops say hello yeah I don't know. What do they say? Cops say stuff like license and registration.
Do you know why I pulled you over? I've never seen a little Korean cop before. I'm out of here.
Gone. You'd be gone? Yeah gone in a heartbeat you're not getting me i've been pulled over by mostly asian cops in southern california we got a lot look up look at look it up i think actually the majority of cops in southern california are mexican i think it's like 54 latino well it's just the majority of california is mexican well no shit fancy and you whenever an asian cop pulls's over, I mock them.
Look, it's like they're chasing you. Asians only make up 10% of police officers.
So when they go, you know why I pulled you over? I go, do you know why I pulled you over? I always do that. And I always get a ticket.
He goes, he stutters. You go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
You know why I pulled you over? Yeah. Give me the ticket.
And in the back, I'm in the back seat. I come in.
I go, gong. 21.
Okay. 61% of federal law enforcement officers were white.
You got to do California. You got to do California.
What percentage of cops are Mexican in California? I guarantee you. But whites are the scariest cops.
No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.
Dude. Oh, yeah.
For me growing up, whites were always the scariest cops. Because you were in San Diego.
Big whites. Dude, in Poway, there is a fucking saying.
What is it? I don't know. But I know there is.
But generally what the saying is, is that they pull you over more often than not. Is that the saying? You know those white cops, they're going to pull you over a lot.
Although I haven't been pulled over in LA in 12 years. What? I've not been pulled over in 12 years.
When was the last time you got pulled over? It was a couple years ago in Arkansas. Here in LA, I said.
Never. You've never been pulled over in LA.
What was that? Whoa. What's going on with you guys? There's tension here.
Pull the mic closer to yours, Rudy. Yeah, listen.
Listen to me. What's going on between you guys? There's something going on, right? Listen to me.
I don't know either. Yeah, what's going on with you? I don't know.
Because since I've been here, you've been acting aloof, and I feel like another doc's happening. Wait a minute.
Do you have beef with him? Yeah, is there a doc beef going on? Because it's like, I need to know. He knows what he's doing.
What do I know I'm doing? I have a theory. What's a theory? I think over the tour, Bobby and I became very close.
And I think, you know him longer than me, but I think he's scared of how close we got. And I think now he's actively trying to push me away.
And I, you know, do you do that? Do you think you do that? Do you think you push people away? They get too close. Is that a pattern with it? I think I do.
Yeah. Cause at the comedy, we've gone through huge waves of being close, not talking.
Being close, not talking. Well, it's happening to me now and I hate it.
What can I say? Welcome to the club. When I'm coming to the club, who am I with? Sometimes no one.
Am I the rudest then? I feel like I'm more rude when I'm with somebody. I will say that but you're're always rude lately.
In what way, though? I just don't look at you. Well, yeah, and you make it like, don't look at me.
Oh, no. Like, you don't want me looking at you.
And do I say to you, don't look at me? Sometimes. I do, yeah.
Yeah. I'll walk up to you and go, hey, man, just for tonight, don't look at me.
Or you look really fake and you smile really vague. No, that's real.
And you go, hi. You know, I'm fucking tired of people telling me that my fucking smiles are fucking fabricated and not real.
Let's go through. Yeah, show Andrew what you think.
This is the smile I give her. That's real.
No, it looks like you're going to kill me. That looks pretty real to me.
Yeah. Look, I won the lottery.
He was also holding a knife up to my neck. Oh, he was? Yeah.
I was? He was holding a knife. You were also holding a knife up to my neck.
I would never do that. All right, say hi to me and I'll say hi with a smile.
Tell me if this is fake or real. Hey, Andrew.
Hey! Was that real? That's real for me. That's about as real as it gets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I see you, that's what I do.
Then I apologize. I'm misreading the situation.

And you know what?

You're right.

I should check my behavior.

I've been at the club twice,

not the improv and the store,

and I see you either in the corner of my eye

or on the lineup,

and I just don't say hi to you anymore.

Whoa, this is weird.

I didn't know this was going on.

I was out and about.

I haven't been around in a while,

so I don't know what's going on.

I didn't know that there was a little bit of undercurrent, if you will. He's Zuko-ing.
Are you Danny Zuko-ing her? Oh, shit. You mean from the movie The Grace? So I'm a-lovin', had me a bond.
That's my favorite lyric. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Having some bond? Having some bond, dude. Bon-bons.
Look, Danny Zuk, by the way? Yeah. What a babe.
That's what you're doing. You're Zuko-ing her, dude.
I'm Zuko Zuko in her dude yeah yeah well I mean because we're no longer in the summer we had a great no we're back at school and when we're back at school Danny Zuko is you know you realize we're in the middle of summer right now yeah it's still no but when I say summer I mean the tour okay the tour was summer like like in Greece and now we're in school and now we're in school and we're back in class. Going to the comedy store is like a school.
Yeah. Right? Yeah, I'll get it.
We're there every night, right? And so I'm too cool for school for you. Yeah.
That's so funny. This feels like Mean Girls, where you're like talking shit about her right after you hang out with her.
Because I don't want a McCone to happen. Yeah, but I'm getting- Rest in peace, by the way, McCone.
He died? He sure did. Damn.
So I apologize, and I'm going to be more mindful about how I treat you. Wow.
And I will, you know those fake smiles? I'm going to keep doing them because that's how I feel. You don't have to fake smile to me.
Okay. In fact, I love you so much.
If it is a status thing for you, for me to socialize with you amongst your friends,

I'll hide in the corner.

I think you're just being ultra sensitive.

I think I'm being an appropriate reaction.

You think it's appropriate reaction?

Yeah.

What do you think we are?

I think we're friends.

What do you think it is?

I don't think it's friends.

Are you talking about you two?

No, just in general,

Jewel, Jesse.

Well, I guess that says it all. Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah You're Jessie, right? Surrogate I think Jessie is If you were like a daughter I thought you were going to say a dog A dog daughter Kind of like a dog daughter Yeah, a dog daughter, right? Also, you're an employee Sit You're an employee Yeah Right, so I'm kind of your boss No no you're literally her boss i'm literally your boss so it's like how do you treat your employees how do you treat your your your employee who's also your daughter like shit oh wait wait wait stop family business you think i treat you like shit you think i treat you like shit no we're talking about her okay good good it's so funny to have you yell at him in a clip going you think i You you like shit? No, we're talking about her.
Okay, good, good. It's so funny to have you yell at him in a clip going, You think I treat you like shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't treat her like shit either. No, you don't.
There's nobody who gets treated like shit in here except for when Carlos is here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he's a shit human. Wow.
I know, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.
But Jess, can I say this? Yeah, yeah. If you came out to me in life and whatever you needed, I would provide for you.

Even like a hello?

No, not that.

No, but if you're like.

He means something real.

My toes fell off.

Why are your toes falling off?

I don't know.

Where are you?

I'm just trying to create some sort of like physical thing that could happen. I get it, but I like it.
No, but like, you know, you got black toes. Okay.
Careful. No, no, what I'm saying is that I'm not like James Baldwin black toes.
You know what I mean? Is black feet like black face if you put on black? Is that bad? I can dance now. Yeah, when white people go to Antarctica and they get black feet from the fucking, you know what I mean, snow.
They're canceled. They should get canceled.
Those aren't your toes, man. That's fucking black toes.
Well, people have black hands. Look up frostbite hands.
Yeah, yeah. When they have that and they come back, we should publicly cancel that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's insane.
Wow, it's insane. That this happens, by the way.
I know. That you're out there long enough to lose your fingers.
I know. It's crazy.
Why would you ever do that well you maybe you're stranded that's look at how many times it's on the internet these people aren't all stranded so why do people do get why do they get black toes though in anyway if you were in the comedy store what why do you get black toes from frostbite yeah what is it what's that about it's dead it died you're like the nerves holy fuck like there's blood circulating. And then do you have to chop them off or does it fall off automatically? I mean, they're usually not fixable when it's at that degree.
They have to cut them off. So it's like gangrene.
I guess, yeah. It's got to go.
Hey, that's what they say. They walk in, they go, got to go.
Is it green gangrene or is it just an arbitrary? It's like a shade of green. Because if it's purple, it would make no sense.
Purple green. No, we're like gang purple.
Go ahead. Did you watch Indy? Did you watch Indy? Mm-mm.
New Indiana Jones, are you not going to go see it? I've never, honestly, can I say something? You've never seen the original. I've never seen any Indiana Jones.
Not true. What? In my life.
I know what it is. He's a professor or something, right? Wait a minute.
Oh, my God. You've never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark I don't know why but as a kid I thought it was more of a historical kind of a movie you of all people I don't think I like it would fucking love I don't believe it I've never seen Indiana Jones I know what it is he's real I know what it is he's real ask me questions I know what it is there's a boulder because it's in pop culture like you and I know he knows Harry Potter I know bould.
I know what it is. He's real.
Ask me questions, I know what it is. There's a boulder, because it's in pop culture.

Like you and,

I know, he knows the Harry Potter.

I know boulders, I know that he has a whip

from the posters.

What does he do that with?

Slaves.

There's, really?

I know it's not about slaves.

He owns slaves.

That's what the whip is for in Indiana Jones.

Whoa.

Yeah, that's why Indiana, the Midwest.

Slave owner, South Indiana. No, I saw saw because I know that Short Round is a character right which is like the guy that was in yeah right and he's in that new movie my point is is that no he owns slaves and I think I saw a clip of them in Asia but it could have been Indiana I don't know well tell me about is it good though it's fucking amazing how many of there's like 20 movies though right or something no it's not 20 of them there's like 5 4 or 5 yeah you see it 40 can I watch this one and not watch the other ones yes I'm sure that I'm sure many people they've done this because this is so long ago now I'm sure they make in it where you can see anything with Sean Connery is in Indiana Jones he's in the the third one.
He plays his father. Are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't believe him, but yes.
He does. What do you think the Temple of Doom is about? Holy fuck, that's a movie? What do you think it's about? Well, just based on the word, right? There's a temple.
No, that's what people would think. Really? There's no temple? No temple.
It's this temple. Oh, the body's a temple.

It's your brain.

Right, and inside your body is bad things going on.

Doom.

Doom.

Yeah.

Doom and gloom, dude.

Right.

Right, so it's a guy.

Oh, Temple of Dune is the enemy in the movie.

And the enemy is who?

Yourself.

Oh, so Indiana Jones is the Temple of Dune?

Doom.

M.

Doom.

Oh, not Dune. Doom.
Dune is a different movie. It is? Yeah.
Yeah, no, I know Dune. I like Dune.
I like anything sci-fi. My point is that so the Temple of Dune is really a reflection of Indiana Jones' own body.
So it's happening within himself. It's a very introspective film.
Whoa. There's no adventure? I thought it was adventure.
No. Low action, high, high introspect introspective weird visuals there's like a 10 minute scene where he whips himself, but No, wait, no, wait.
Does it sound like it's a hit? It doesn't sound like a real thing. First of all.
Yeah, he's hitting himself He's being forced to do this like from outside voices. He's hearing voices.
He's schizophrenic is short round his son because? Because I haven't seen any. How many movies is he in?

Short Round is literally in the first two seconds of the film.

He's the cab driver.

That's it.

He drops him off.

Each movie starts with him coming in off a plane, off a military plane.

And Short Round picks him up from the thing.

Every movie picks him up.

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

Great to see you, Indy.

Indy, Indy.

And then he drops him off. But he knows who he is because he's famous He's a famous slave owner Indiana Jones Oh he had Asians too? Yes Wait what slaves do you think he had? The black guy ones No Asians It was all Asian slaves That's disgusting There's Asian slaves in Indiana Back in the day Where do you think you guys Got your start here in the United States? the railroads where do you think that went to Indiana in the middle of the country so which one did I start with the first one I think mix it up I think go to see this one right now I just feel like it's too late you know because I haven't seen Back to the Future either okay it's too late now this we can't play out on the fucking show.

Big oof.

No one's going to believe that.

I really haven't seen Back to the Future.

That you have.

How do you know?

Because it's impossible.

Is that impossible?

No, it is impossible.

Is that impossible not to see Back to the Future?

It is impossible to not have seen Back to the Future.

It's almost like one of those things.

It was like it chipped in our brain somehow.

Yeah, it's almost as impossible as not seeing Indiana Jones. Really? Hey.
Yeah. You're close to getting fired.
You're getting fired. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So, um...
But I want to see The Dial of Destiny. I do want to see it.
Oh, you haven't seen it yet? No. Why'd you bring it up? I saw it.
Because I was asking if you've seen it. Wait, you said it was amazing earlier.
No, Indiana Jones was amazing. Oh, I haven't seen it.
What's The Dial of Destiny? That's the new one. Oh, I see.
I really want to see it, but I'm also hesitant because I like the original so much that I'm like, is this going to be yucky? It is. See? I know.
That's why I'm... It was bad, wasn't it? Can I ask? The magic is gone.
The magic is gone. I have a trivia question.
Damn it. Who was the...
You probably already know this. I'm going to ask, you know, you've seen the Indiana Jones? Who was the original person they wanted,

but he couldn't do it

because he was on another TV show.

Do you know?

I do know.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

I,

yeah,

it was Will Smith.

Yep.

You haven't seen it,

so how do you know if I'm wrong?

No,

she's right,

because he was shooting Wild Wild West

when he got asked to do it.

No,

that was way too younger.

I'm not dumb.

Buddy,

Wild Wild West came out

at the exact same time as Indiana Jones. It was Tom Selleck.
The Wild Wild a tom sellick it was tom sellick yeah imagine it'd be just as good tom sellick's the fucking man yeah but mr baseball that was one of my favorite movies of all time what's the mr baseball mr baseball mr baseball mr baseball what is it he's like a hot shot look up mr is. Are you kidding me? Look at me.
He's a hot shot MLB player who then is on the end of his ropes of his career. And he goes to play baseball in Japan.
Falls in love with the commissioner of baseball's daughter. Oh, my God.
Mr. Baseball.
Oh, it's an Asian movie. Yeah, he plays for the Dragons.
Oh, Geddy Wananabi's in it. Yes.
Dude, it's such a good movie, Mr. Baseball.
I love it. You guys have never heard of this? Nobody? Getty Wananabi was in a movie called 16 Candles.
He played Long Duck Dong. That's right, Long Duck Dong.
There was another movie called Gung Ho. And so when I was on Magnum once, I asked, can we get Getty Wananabi for this one part? And they got him.
So I got to work with him. Whoa.
And I sat with Getty Wananabi for a week. And I peppered him with questions.
But it was really interesting. I go, you know, because, you know, Long Duck Dong, that character, you know, it's kind of had there's a backlash on that character because Asians are like, well, that was so stereotypical, this and that.
And then some actors even say, like, why would he do? Listen, he's an actor. Every Asian actor.
Right. In America vied to get that part because it was the only one available.
Sure. Right? I would have been like, what's happening, hot stopper? My audition? I would have been like, what's happening, hot stopper? I would have been so, I would have done anything.
I would suck everyone's dick. I suck a dick's hot stopper.
Right? I would fuck the executive just to get that part. What the fuck? You know, so I look at Get It.
I go, Get It? You know what? I get it. You get it.
And congratulations for doing that role. And you killed it.
He did. He took what was given and he fucking killed it.
He did kill it. Yeah.
Anyway, Japan should do a movie about- Sending Shohei Otani here? No, like a sumo wrestler going to Louisiana with fat white people. Oh, that would be insanely funny.
That'd be great. You know what I mean? Mr.
Sumo. What would it be the other way? Mr.
Sumo. Mr.
Sumo. Mr.
Sumo. Well, look at this here, Sumo.
That's what they should do to get revenge. Just send a sumo wrestler to Louisiana? Yeah.
Come on down. Come on yeah and they could have like you know some fun times but the sumo guy then he would slowly transition into being like a southern boy because he start falls in love with japan really yeah he falls in love with japan he falls in love with a woman in the country a sumo guy a white girl would go out with him or not would that believable it'd be so funny that'd be so funny well could i be him no you'd have to gain like 500 i'll.
I'll do it for the fucking movie. Well, then let's do it.
I want to plug you up. If it's an A24 movie.
I would do it. What would you be willing to do? Anything.
Say it. Okay, so.
I would do it. I'm A24.
Yeah. Hey, man.
Yeah, and you know, we don't, you know, we're an organic company. Oh, that I know.
Yeah, and it's method. Yeah.
Yeah, and you know, we're doing a movie about one eye, man. About one eye, man.
Yeah, one eye, man. Oh, that I know.
Yeah. It's method.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, we're doing a movie about One Eye Man.

About One Eye Man?

Yeah, One Eye Man.

Oh, wow.

It's based on One Punch Man.

But this, One Punch Man is a very funny, a great animation movie, right?

Yeah.

There's a One Eye Man.

Is there?

He has one eye.

Cool.

White guy.

But he lives in post-apocalyptic Japan.

Whoa.

White.

You have to lose an eye.

You don't think we could CGI it? We're not CGI it

We're not gonna

Organic

Right

We're natural

Let me just pitch this

Yeah

We put an eye patch over the eye that you want gone

And we CGI it

No eye

No eye

Okay let me think about it

Yeah

Yeah yeah

No?

No

Okay alright well then you're not willing

Are you gonna lose an eye?

You're not willing

Would you lose an eye?

It depends on how much money it is

Two million

No Thank No. Okay, all right.
Well, then you're not willing. Are you going to lose an eye? You're not willing.
Would you lose an eye? It depends on how much money it is. Two million.
No. Ten.
If it was like 25 million, I would lose an eye. Okay, that's weird.
Because when I said 10 to you, I thought you'd say yes, because I said yes to 10 in my mind. I'd lose an eye for 10.
10 million? Come on. Take it out.
out 25 because you're not gonna

do you hear that 824

I'll do it for less

right

also

after that right

you're gonna be in auditions

does it have to be 824

yeah

it does

it has to be 824

but wait a minute

you're the audition

now you're the guy with one eye

that's what I'm saying

so every audition

you're like

I'm not gonna get this

no that's a good thing

what

diversity

are you gonna

are you the one eye Korean guy

yeah

they're out

this episode is brought to you

by Progressive Insurance

Thank you. I'm not going to get this.
No, that's a good thing. What? Diversity.
Are you going to. Korean guy? Yeah.
Oh, they're out here.

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Get me the one-eyed Korean guy. That's what they say.
And I could do like if they do a Korean Cyclops movie. Who else? I could just do this.
You're a Marvel superhero overnight. They can move a tear.
You go from A24 cool indie to superhero Marvel movie overnight. Overnight.
Yep. Right.
But can they move the eye to here? Yeah. I think we'll have to.
Right. Thank you.
Overnight you become a star. That'd be great.
I saw a clip the other day that said Edward Norton said that he's never made a dime doing Wes Anderson movies. Never once.
What are you talking about? You can Google it. He said, I think he's from Moonrise Kingdom.
He made $4,200 total. I know he made no money.
If you look at the Asteroid City you look at their past. Every single one of their cast is a gigantic star who usually gets millions for a part.
And you look at Wes Anderson movies, what it does in the box office. I've seen all of them.
But they're not like, you know what I mean? They're not box office smashes.

Yeah, they're not smashes, so I 100% agree.

But that's crazy, the $4,200 for a whole film, for a guy like that.

That's like a Woody Allen movie in the past and all of that.

Yeah.

People just want to show them.

Now it would be a lot cheaper to do a Woody Allen movie.

I bet he'd have to pay a lot of money.

Woody calls, Woody calls,

Bobby, would you like to be in one of my films? If I can play Sun Yi. Only if I'm Sun Yi.
I would watch it. I don't feel that way about it.
Yeah. It is an interesting question.
It's like, I'm asking you as an actor, right, too, and you too, would you prefer to do a critically acclaimed movie that's going to get awards but you're only going to make a couple of thousand dollars or some trashy blockbuster thing where you make five million ten million and it doesn't get any awards or prestige see it's hard for that's hard for me because i don't care about the awards and the prestige i just care that that it's good. I want it.
I wish it could be good. But if you're telling me on the table is a fucking Marvel franchise that everyone's going to laugh at me for the rest of my fucking life.
Are they? Well, let's. I don't think they will.
No, I'm saying in this scenario, let's just say it's a Marvel franchise and I'm not taking a shot. It's okay like ant-man is kind of a bummer for paul rudd is such a fucking cool dude and not that ant-man's bad wasn't bad the last one was bad yeah but i mean the franchise in and of itself is kind of like yeah yeah yeah yeah no one's making fun of fucking paul rudd because he's the shit he's a shit okay but i saying, but doing like Ant-Man versus doing like everything everywhere all at once for like no money at all.
Literally like fucking not making any money. Yeah.
I probably fucking do Ant-Man. Really? Here's why.
Here's why. I'll tell you why.
I know why. Because a lot of those actors that you read about that do those beautiful indie movies, they're fucking, they're broke and they don't get any more work.
And people are like, wait, didn't you make – and they're like, no, after I got off that movie, nobody gave me any fucking money. The point of what's going on in our business right now is because nobody's getting paid anymore.
And the fucking big cats up top are keeping all the money. So, yeah, I'm going to steal the fucking money from these scumbags because they're rob robbing us our whole career Also, I just did four independent comedy movies, right? You made 30 bucks.
Not just the 30 bucks Yeah, when you're shooting you can feel it. Yeah, there's 15 guys in a little room No air conditioning right and you have fucking corn nuts as that's the only thing you get for your craft service, right? Make no money.
You're there forever all day all two two years ago i did borderlands with all those stars right i'm at the four seasons eating nice food the catering is amazing i mean everything's amazing you feel right like oh my god you know i mean i'm a part of it even if you're underpaid for that movie for borderlands it's still all the perks are nice okay so i'm 50 50 because i agree sometimes like i did curb you don't make any money on curb it was a dream of mine so it's like there's things that you want to do that are a dream but i don't want to make a big career move for a dream because they're who knows if it'll pay off but that's why actors do both yeah if you're lucky if you're lucky that's my point most people aren't lucky enough tom hates can dip down and go i'll do asteroid city for nothing he's one of the only ones i can do that yeah he. He can do that when he's already like at the top.
It's like when, we've talked about this, but like, it's like when Jim and Carrie is like, you know, everything is fake and money means nothing and life is fake. And you're like, yeah, because you haven't been to the grocery store in 25 years.
No shit, it's fake. I went to the hardware store today.
When you don't have to do those things, you lose reality fast. I was on my roof today blowing off the fucking shit from my roof so I didn't ruin the roof because it stains from the tree.
I was up there and my neighbor was smoking pot and I'm... That's me.
Jim Carrey's not on his roof blowing shit off. I was at the coffee bean earlier, right? I was sitting there waiting for my Vietnamese iced coffee and a guy came up to me and he goes, wait, no entourage? I go, who the fuck do you think I am? You know what I mean? By the way, can we start bringing entourages somewhere? Yeah, I will.
But like people that don't look like they should be our entourage. No, I want to bring – I know exactly who my crew is.
You have Carlos. No, I'm going to use Dan Ramos.
Yeah. I don't know who that is.
You know Dan Ramos? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan Ramos is a – Dan Ramos? Yeah, he looks like a Filipino insect.
Dan Ramos comedy. This dude looks like he has to take a shower.
Oh, that guy yeah that guy I've seen him before the second photo over to the left far left the second photo to all far left far left far left down second row there you go no no not that one the one right next to that one the obvious one that we want to see that's crazy that's who he is I gotta have in my entourage oh who else do you need because people walk away you say a filipino insect yeah interesting why no it's accurate i don't even know what they look like but i imagine it looks like that yeah i love the filipinos some yeah all some except for him yeah yeah i love him but i'm just saying but i i do do you have a entourage in your your mind who who would who would i bring along for the ride well i i'm i'm pretty sure there's a couple of shirt talkers shirt talkers okay what's that mean he means white people shirt talkers shirt talkers and i didn't mean white people yeah he does he's always derogatory toward the white community no i'm not i'm not a shirt talker is not a dog and let me tell you something brothers we can't let this guy keep talking to us like this i'm not saying that next thing you know he's going to want to cut off our kids penises so let me tell you something brothers your friends i've seen some of them have golf shirts on and they tuck it into their khaki pants never in a million years you couldn't even name one unless we were golfing yeah when have you ever seen me golfing you've never seen me go i've seen you go in and like from either you see me go to the golf Ofing. Yeah.
When have you ever seen me golfing? You've never seen me golfing? I've seen you go in and out, like, from either after. You've seen me go to the golf course.
Exactly. Yeah.
In the attire and then after the attire. Sure, but no friends? You've never, if you were golfing.
I've seen your friends. I promise you I have.
Where? Your cousin. My cousin? Yeah.
Yeah. He sometimes wears that kind of clothes.
When we're golfing. Yeah, I've never seen, he's been to three of our shows on tour i've never seen a shirt tucked in but never because he burned into my psyche though no it's not real you're making it up when we're golfing you took your shirt yeah yeah when you're golfing i don't like it i know i get that you don't like order this guy never tucks his shirt in no he doesn't have a shirt he shouldn't be wearing a shirt in my entourage would probably be, I keep looking at that picture of you as an Indian AI.
That guy. I want that guy.
Honestly, I want Indian little people. Indian little people.
Only Indian little people in my entourage. Oh, you would seem wise.
Yes. A nobleman.
A nobleman. Passing through gracefully, slowly.
Right. And they're all, they for some reason have candles.
Of course they have two candles. Yeah.
But one of them, only one of them's lit. Oh, one of them.
Why so people question. Yep.
Why is only one of them? It's like a yin yang thing. I love that.
You like yin yang? Yeah. Yeah.
Are you more yin or yang? I'm yang. I'm more yang too.
Yeah. Yeah.
We're way outside. Yeah, we're outside the whole.
By the way, have you guys seen Indian slap boxing?

No.

Oh my God.

Really?

I've seen the slap being.

No, no, no.

No, no.

Indian slap boxing is all over the internet again.

Look at this.

Thank you.

This is amazing.

Go to the first one.

Look at this shit.

This is so fucking wonderful.

This makes me want to go to India.

Look at these.

Look at these. Wow.
So what's happened is they're politely

battling.

Slap, slap, slap.

Oh, it's great. So if you make a fist

you're out. You can't punch.

It's slapping.

And it's in the sand. Look at the beautiful

sand. And there's one guy just chilling in the ring.

He's meditating.

Yeah, he's thinking about all the pain that they're enduring.

He's trying to wish their pain away.

Oh, you can throw.

I almost posted this today and was like, this is me and Bobby on tour.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can toss.

You can toss.

But the slapping is fine.

You just can't punch.

It's genius.

That guy won for sure.

Yeah.

I mean, beautiful.

I would love to see a woman do a female fight.

That's just how women always fight.

It's a. That guy won for sure.
Yeah. I mean, beautiful.
I would love to see a woman do a female fight.

I don't know.

That's just how women always fight.

That's right.

Oh, that's right.

Have you guys ever actually slapped somebody?

No, punch.

Just only punch.

Slap?

Yeah.

Slap's a weird ring. I've slapped asses.

No, no.

She means like out of aggression.

Yeah, or like.

Aggressive.

I like it.

Trust me, it's aggressive. I lick my palm and everything.
Yeah. Aggressive.
Trust me.

It's aggressive.

I lick my palm and everything.

Do it right now.

What?

Let me see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Do it again.

It's actually this.

Come on, Bobby.

Yeah.

Hit me harder, baby.

Yeah, that's what I like.

Come on, Bobby.

I want to learn how to fight.

Little get up. Let's do it.
Well, Bobby taught me some moves on the road, some defense moves. Yeah, just get a gun.
Yeah, that would be easier. Let's just get you a gun.
Can we get her a gun? But I'd rather learn something, because what if I forget my gun or it's not loaded one night? Keep that thing on you, baby. You want to learn how to fight? Let's do it.
You want to take Krav Maga? What's the best one to take? Krav Maga? I mean, that's the Israeli defense shit. Let's rank them.
Jiu-jitsu is so in right now. I just don't like either you got Jew-jitsu.
Or Krav Maga. I know.
It's a little shaky. Yeah.
In terms of like what really works in real life, you can look at the MMA and go, okay, so it's like you never see some guy that's like, he's a black belt in Taekwondo. Taekwondo is probably not going to do it.
Right. You never see Tai Chi.
Tai Chi is moving energy. I know, but it's still a martial art.
It is a martial art. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it's for fighting, right? Or no? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right? But I think Jiu-Jitsu is probably the number one.
Yeah, Jiu-Jitsu is probably the number one yeah jiu-jitsu is probably a practical karate that's a crazy one to start with though right it's so popular right now but you're like so up and kung fu do you mean karate kung fu bruce lee kung fu never heard of it kung fu what is that is that a dish kung fu bistro yeah i've been to Kung Fu or B-star? Yeah, yeah, that's delicious. So Taekwondo, Kung Fu, Judo.
Yeah, Judo's big. Judo's a good one.

Muay Thai. Muay Thai's fine.
Good. What's the difference between them, though? Well, Muay Thai's a lot of kicking.
And you know what I like? The Muay Thai. Kickboxing.
When you grab the back of the neck. Oh, my God.
And your Muay Thai, the face of the knee. Yeah.
Anderson Silva did that a lot. Yeah, he would grab the head.
Yeah, grab the head and do that. Je Muay Thai the face to the knee.
Anderson Silva did that a lot.

Yeah, he would grab the head.

Jeet Kundu from China.

That's just a guy.

You just talk to him for a while. all-purpose cleaner in the home carefree.
Yes. Like dog slobbing on the coffee table and cleaning it with Clorox

carefree. He's on a roll now.

Spit toothpaste on the faucet. You got

it. You got it.

Peanut butter on the light switch.

Oh, spritz spritz.

Nisprit spritz.

Clorox, man.

Clean feels good. Okay, we're back.

Use as directed.

That sounds nice. Yeah, it's just a conversation.
What else is that? Aikido is with swords, right? Aikido's good, yeah. Isn't that with samurais? Yeah.
Look at Japan's fucking dominating, by the way. Non-aggressive.
Oh, Aikido's not aggressive. Never mind.
Bro, I've been watching Ken Burns' World War II documentary and the Japanese brutal. They were cray-cray.
They were insane. I know.
insane I know They went everywhere Dude imagine invading China They went to China That's why I like them though Yeah yeah The balls on those guys Right But it's like they went to the Philippines They went everywhere And they did so many crazy things A lot of bad shit They did so many bad things Scraping people And like cutting Pretty gross It gross. And then we got them back.
Did we not? We got them, baby. Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Right? Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
No, it was really. What's so funny? Is that bad? It is true.
It is true. Yeah.
It's, you know. They were nuts in a good way, though.
They were fun. Imagine crashing a plane with you inside of it.
The balls fucking balls to be like you got to stay in it they're like no jump out they're like you stay in it oh okay inside it i'm literally inside or just metaphorically inside no no your spirit and your body are inside also my body yeah you're in it no no're in it. No.
No? Yeah, yeah, no, no. Okay, take this.
What is this? Just take it. Okay.
Go ahead. Take it.
How about now? Yes. You know they were jacked up on methamphetamine.
You know that, right? Oh, they were? You don't know about this? You've never heard this? No. Same thing with the Nazis.
It's the exact same shit. Meth, huh? Yeah, they were on fucking methamphetamines.
That's amazing. So they would get them jacked up out of their fucking mind, kamikaze pilots, and then they would just, they'd be like, we gotta do it! Yeah.
Let me ask you something. I would say I would do it, but you know what I would do.
If I could tuck it behind your ear and use it for later. No, well, not no.
In terms of like the bonsai thing, the kamikaze shit I mean, right? I would have jacked. You would shoot out.
shoot out right before i hit i would they would see just a random japanese with guys waiting in the water but they'd also see your parachute and be like what did you pack a shoot no i lost weight i lost weight in the ocean this is my swimsuit okay yeah okay but can i say another thing huh is that in this documentary so there were some islands that had Japanese civilians living. They had towns and stuff, right? Yeah.
And once the Americans or the allies took over the island, the Japanese citizens, they just jumped off the cliff because Emperor Hiroeto said, you can't surrender, so you have to kill yourself. No surrender, no retreat.
So people just jumped off cliffs. They would find like

civilians just in the water

with babies

and that's how crazy they were.

They were so indoctrinated

into, you know,

I mean, this dude.

Nationalism.

Nationalism.

It's insane.

Well, they believed.

You know?

Sometimes you gotta believe.

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Play a cricket who lives in Alabama. Wait.
You don't have to tell us what you are. Just read the lines.
All right. Just read the lines.
You know, it's a dinner date. Hey, y'all.
Yeah. My name is Bob Hoskins.
Is that a real person? It says Bob Hodgkins. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Lymphoma.
Hey, y'all. He has cancer.
Is that the cricket noise? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Cricket, cricket, cricket. My name is Bob.
I'm a guy. You know what? I think it's safe to date this girl.
I'm not good, right? Give me another shot. Give me something else.
Go ahead, Juice. You got one.
What character can you play? Okay. You are a dragon.
A dragon. Relax.
You don't even know the fucking scene yet. I know, but I got to get into dragon mode.
You just woke up from 300 years of slumber. That part he'll kill.
I'm kind of giving him a softball here. Yeah.

It's a softball player?

It's a softball playing dragon.

What?

Who just woke up for 300 years of sleep,

and you're at the championship game,

and you're at the plate.

Yeah.

And the catcher is talking shit.

Wait, once I wake up,

where's my bat?

Where's my bat? Where's my bat?

Hey, man, just step up and hit the ball, will you?

That's it.

That's really good.

Thank you.

I know. Well, you do one then.

Fucking make a character.

I'll do it right now.

All right.

High energy.

Easy.

Right.

High energy.

Almost meth-like.

Right?

Speedy. Speedy Speedy Sloth A sloth Yeah yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah There's lines Excuse me Yeah yeah There's There's lines Sir Excuse me.
Yeah, yeah. There's lines, sir.
Read the lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do me a favor. Very good.
Damn, that's good. Yep.
A little slower, probably the language dialogue, but. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much.
Do it again. Sl, my God.
Slower. He, like, hit it out of the park.
Slower. I couldn't have done it any better.
All right. I feel like you got to give me a gig.
You got it. You got it.
You got it. I've been watching a lot of that fucking...
Not Planet Earth, but it's like the... Our Planet 2.
And basically... Oh, I've seen Our Planet.
Our Planet, the second one. Yeah.
And this one's got a lot more killing. You know the other one, kind of they look away when the kill is about to happen?

Yeah.

Not this one, dude.

Yeah.

They showed little baby sea turtles

trying to get to the water.

Oh, dude.

Dude.

It's awesome.

Just a fucking bird just coming down,

just smoking it, dude.

And one guy got flipped over by a bird

and a little turtle couldn't get back over

and a crab just came and grabbed it

and went away.

It was so dope.

There was one I saw where there was like iguanas in Mid-Island.

They have their babies, right?

Yes.

And the snakes are just chilling.

Like, look at these idiots, right?

And they would just get them.

And I'm like, you know what I mean?

How about do it closer to the fucking water, bitch?

Show me how they get them.

Joey, I like when you animate it.

Look at the snake chilling.

There he is. Hey, Frankie, there they are again Another year Stupid idiot Yeah So check this out Look at the one right there The little The one with the Ah, the juicy one Well, I was gonna say something else What? I think it was born Okay No, say it I know you don't wanna get canceled But say it Look at that little one.
I think it's missing a little hand. And its spine is twisty.
Oh, no. Yeah, look at that one.
Easy pickings. Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, I'm having the best day of my life by this water. Forget easy pickings.
What do you call that, Frankie? Frankie, what do you call that? It starts with an R. A Liz Tart.
It's a Liz Tart. Let's get it.
Wrap you up and take you down, baby. I feel bad for the Gwanova.
Happy for the snakes. I know.
Hold on a second. He had to get his vape off the charger.
Dude, that's so funny. You made it out to be like you forgot you had to do something important.
Yeah. Like, shit, I had to call my mom.
No, it turned green. I was like, that's my time.
It's my time. I thought we were going to put away vapes.
I know. It was Carlos' fault.
There's no way those things are good. It's not good.
It's not good. You know what? Can I be honest with you? My right arm is tingly.
Like all the time? Smoke up, baby. Like all the time.
It tingles. And the other night, dude, something fucking happened.
I literally thought I was having a stroke. So at 4.30 in the morning, I had a pinch in my back where I went, ow, ow, ow.
I would like verbally said, ow, ow, ow, ow. And I had to stand up.
And I had to bang my back against the wall to where it was hurting. But it was so excruciatingly hurtful and painful that I almost went to the hospital.
The pinch in your back, where? How high? Mid-back. In the middle of my back, maybe off to the right a little bit.
It fucking hurt that bad. Like, your right, it sounds like you might be talking about your heart.
Your left. Okay, never mind.
Making sure you're having a heart attack.

The back heart part. The back heart part? Yeah.
Is the back heart part important? It's the whole, your whole back is your back heart part. Yeah, but it's important.
Very. It's probably the most important, they say.
That's why they tell you to sleep on your side, not on your back. Yeah, I slammed it and then eventually I did some breathing exercises and it went away.
What were they? and I held my breath in and I calmed my nerves and it just slowly went away. Really? Yeah.
I also did downward dog. Yeah, I love downward dog.
I did downward dog. You know, I did some yoga stuff that I've learned.
You know what I mean? Downward syndrome dog. You're...
Yeah. Yeah, downward syndrome.
Downward syndrome. Yeah.
I was doing downward syndrome dog and eventually, you know, and doing those positions. Eventually I had my own Olympics.
Yeah. You know what I saw when you said to me, it reminded me when you said about him not being able to look him in the eye.
I saw the image of you like looking down when he looks at you and it made me really sad. Really? Yeah, because I want to just bring this beginning i love you so much i love you too that's all i wanted we moved past it no honestly but then you brought it back i love you so much and i talk about you all the time to people and i always go like who's that creep staring at me over there no i always say like who do you think is the next thing up i think she is well you deserve you you deserve the continuation continuation.
You texted me the other day about bad news. It ended up being really good news.
What was the bad news? I didn't get JFL. What? But here's what happened.
What? Yeah, I know. I love you so much.
What? She didn't get it. That's insane.
Well, I was sad about it for a few hours but I got over it because what happened was I know trust me no don't get over it it's a war it's a diss on us it's a diss they think that agents have the power by getting over it it actually brought the power back into what I want to do and what I want to create I started bringing the trumpet back into my act and really just like feeling fearless of what I'm doing because I'm tired of like auditioning for a while I'm tired of like showing off for these people I want to like me maybe it's just not the time you know but i don't know if it is the time fuck the trumpet but i have so many people supporting me now from bad friends from you guys like going on the road stop being positive but here let's go negative let's stay in the dark place for a second okay there is a dark sliver to this where i'm like i'm done doing this stuff right i'm going to focus on the support I have. War! We're going to war! But I'm so sorry to hear that.
But I did find out after the fact that there already are agents scouting me. Hell yeah.
Oh yeah they are. I've been asked from my people about you.
They're out there baby. See yeah things are happening.
You're on the map. I'm headlining I'm doing my own thing while we're on break from the tour plug it yeah can i tell you no say it right now she's in irvine irvine next wednesday that oh well i should say oh this is already out but i can plug the two uh i'm doing the wise guys one that you took me to yeah keith is having me back doing one night at salt lake city and two nights in vegas the 27th in Salt Lake City, and the 28th and 29th in Vegas.

Wait, of this month?

Of July.

Of July.

July.

So Salt Lake City, go see her,

and Vegas, go see her, Wise Guys.

I went there with Polly,

and I went to Salt Lake City with you,

and that's where I met Keith as a feature,

and now I'm coming back to Headline.

It's awesome.

Amazing.

That's the kind of shit that I love to hear.

See, that's the positive spin I like.

And I just want to be the best comedian I can be.

That's all I'm looking at.

It seems like they're going after people

Thank you. Amazing.
That's the kind of shit that I love to hear. See, that's the positive spin I like.
And I just want to be the best comedian I can be. That's all I'm looking at.
It seems like they're going after people who've already made a following. No.
And they're not really a new face. They're ticking boxes.
Ticking boxes. Yes.
Ticking bombs, are you saying? Boxes. Checking boxes.
Checking boxes. Oh, checking boxes.
I was like, they're bombs. I was like, they're ticking bombs.
You're right. They're checking boxes.
No, they're going, oh, we have the Puerto Rican blind guy. How is that guy? He's great.
I've heard he does really well. He crushes.
He can't make it to the stage half the time. Yeah, he keeps falling.
Yeah, yeah. He does stand up sometimes from the side of the room.
And sometimes he doesn't show up to the venue because he has to.

Like a lot of times I see he hits his eyes and goes, is this thing on?

Right, which is a funny job.

That's a funny bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a funny bit.

That's a good one.

And then, you know, the 9'3 Nigerian female who happens to be, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, the girl from the WNBA?

Yeah.

Is doing stand-up now?

She's awesome.

I look up to her somewhere.

Yeah, so she, you know what I mean? They have, you know, they check boxes like do we have, and you're. Who else are they checking? Yeah.
She's doing stand-up now? She's awesome. I look up to her.
Yeah. They check boxes.
Who else are they checking? Just tell me some of the other people that they're checking. The Irish black guy who also has to be a dwarf, but he also has bilingual issues.
Bilingual issues? Yeah. You're talking about Laquan Murphy.
Yes. Laquan Murphy is really good.
He mixes the two languages. He sometimes will, one word would be Korean.
Right. The next word would be fucking, you know what I mean? I thought you said Irish black guy.
That's what's crazy about it. But he speaks Korean.
And Portuguese. Which is what's crazy about it.
What? What a hook. What? What a hook.
I gotta tell you. I actually kind of get it.
I'm always on board for our games. Yeah.
I don't think I can do that. What? I was gonna try to do Portuguese, Korean, Irish, black guy.
Out of all the things, I think you've stumped me. I know.
I'm giving you a challenge. It's so hard.
Will you try? Korean, black, Irish, Portuguese guy. Yeah, no, but the language is one word is in Korean, the other one's in Portuguese.
Give it a go. That is true.
Give it a go. Give it a go, give it a go.
So hard. I know, I know.
It's so hard. But this is the challenge of your life.
Wait, say it again, I don't even quite understand this. So he's a black Irishman, right, who happens to be a dwarf.
Oh, what, he's a little person as well? Yeah, but that doesn't mean, it's just the voice is different. I didn't know.
The voice is more like this. You know what I mean? Oh.
Yeah, so. The voice is different.
You can change the voice. But it's in the language, right? So you need to do, you know, one word in Korean.
You can make that up. If you don't even know.
Goju Jeng Pascado. Is that him? That's him.
There it is. That's him.
But it's got to be higher. Yeah.
Goju Jeng Pascado. That ever famous.
That's it. That's it.
He's good. I like he'll get a deal from HBO right now

Who do you think who else got got their box ticked?

You know you keep asking because you know all the comics I got

Your fingers on the pulse

Well, I know one we go ahead. Oh, yeah

They're half and half half and and half what? Cream and milk? Gender. Oh.
Half and half. So they're gender non-specific.
But it's like, I know what it is. I know what you, I've seen that person.
You know who I'm talking about? Yeah, it's like Harvey Two-Face. Oh, wow.
So it literally is half. Half a dick.
Yeah. Half men, half women from down the line.
It's half this I've seen her She's great They're great So it's half a dick and one ball Well we can't ask You can't ask I shouldn't even know what? That could happen, and I'm just throwing it out there, science-wise, and I've read this on theories, but when you open up her vagina, there's a penis inside it. Well, that is their opening.
Yeah, yeah. But how do you feel about not ever being on a list of anything? I mean this with all my heart.
Yeah. I couldn't fucking care less.
Yeah. I care so fucking little about that it's i maybe sometimes i think i should care and then i go no i don't fucking give a shit yeah but like when a friend gets it stoked yeah i couldn't be happier when someone i know because i don't care about it but i don't know i know i don't fucking give a shit at all rejection can be a.
Well, you deal with it your whole life. Your whole career is fucking get out of here.
You stink. It does motivate you, though, to get rid of any expectations or pressure.
Yeah. Because it was like, okay, no one's fucking with me anyway.
And that's how you get in your head when you feel rejection. Even though many people are fucking.
Many people do. But you just kind of feel free to create.
And you should feel like that all the time. Totally.
Our TV show Dave got one Emmy nomination. Did we talk about this? Yeah, congratulations.
This is so funny. Soundtrack? Yeah.
No, really? Yeah, shoes. We're both of best shoes.
What is it? It's Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt got nominated for best guest star in a comedy series.
Wow. Yeah, I mean, he's not going to win.
Yeah, but that's so cool. He's not going to come close.
Because Ted Lasso is going to fucking sweep it again like it does every time. Brad Pitt, Best Comedy Guest Actor for Dave.
He's never won an Emmy, I don't think. And so this is like their shot, I guess.
But it's not going to fucking happen. But it won't be SNLL and if it's not Leslie Odom Jr.
it'll be Nathan Lane or Only Murders because he's fucking, have you seen that show? I heard it's great. It's fucking non-stop good to me.
Did you guys watch The Idol? No I've heard that too. I'm gonna watch it but let's go back to the I'll go to The Idol.
Tell me about it. What? The one that.
Only Murders? Yeah. Steve Martin, Martin Short.
I know what it is. Is it great? It's phenomenal.
I'm going to watch it. I think it's so good.
I think it's so good because they're so – I love the – It's kitschy. It's kitschy.
It's a little old-fashioned. It's kitschy.
Yeah. But it's aware of itself.
Like it's very self-aware. It knows it's kitschy, but it's wonderful.
And Steve Martin and Martin Short. Martin Short might be one of the fucking funniest humans to ever walk the earth.
The he's like this he's so like he's so theatrical his manner he's so good he's so funny but yeah Brad Pitt got a nom for Dave I think that was the only nomination you know who I took a photo with the other day can I tell you about this he was so nice it was Chevy Chase oh yeah oh really love Chevy Chase I also got to meet him once yeah he was so nice was he at the he at the club? Yeah. Well, his daughter works at the club.
Yeah, and I walked off stage, and then he goes, Robert, do you want a photo? Let's take a photo. Well, he kind of volunteered it, and I took a photo with him.
I was just like, oh, my God, this is amazing. That's so cool.
Because I've been so, like, intimidated. Because, dude, Fletch, fucking Caddysh.
I mean, you name it. Yeah.
Vacation. I mean, legend.

Yeah, it's insane.

Yeah, so nice.

But you would hurt things, too, that maybe he's a little weird, but I didn't see that.

All I ever heard was that, and they'd been public about it, that he was tough to work with sometimes.

Yeah, but no.

Do you think people say that about you?

Tough to work with sometimes?

Well, I mean, you know, Aries Spiros just did my other podcast. I know you don't meet me.
We right we don't say the word by the way we surpassed them in subscribers last week we surpassed them bad friends good yeah it should be that's right because you and i are wham we're wham yeah i'm wha and you're am yeah but i remember aries going um yeah you pooed you know i mean in my dressing room or something. I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

Tough to work with. Not in the toilet, on the ground.

Yeah. Well, that's because back

home, they just have a hole in the ground.

No, those are on a TV show.

But I mean, where you're from, don't you guys poop in holes?

You mean from San Diego?

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

Is San Diego

South Korea? Yes.

We say it like... San Diego.
Oh, you mean San Diego, California? No, no. San Diego, South Korea? Yes.
Oh. We say it like San Diego.
San Diego. San Diego.
Oh, you mean San Diego, California? No, no. San Diego.
I've been having the best sleep of my entire life. You have? I got to tell you, I've got the remedy.
I texted Taylor Tomlinson two nights ago. That's it? That's the solution? If you text Taylor Tomlinson right before you go to bed, she gives you like a little soliloquy to go to bed.
Oh, I didn't know. I'll text her tonight then.
She goes, rest your head. You'll soon be dead.
It's unfortunate that your hair is red. And I went to bed.
gives you like a little soliloquy oh i didn't know i'll text her tonight then she goes rest your head you you'll soon be dead it's unfortunate that your hair is red and i went to bed i'll do that tonight no seriously i texted her because i saw her to post something on instagram about um not being able to sleep after coming back from australia she just got back and i said i swear to god i thought this was so stupid but i cut out coffee for a little bit when i got back because a buddy was like cut out coffee for a couple days so your body's not like humming on as much caffeine as you usually do and then right before you go to bed drink a warm glass of milk and i thought yeah right and i did i swear to god i passed out and i've been doing it now if i have a little bit of trouble sleeping a warm glass of milk and i'm i'm lactose they get a lactose free warm glass of fucking milk i, you new age pussy. No, but I don't get diarrhea in the middle of the night.
That's even funnier. You sleep like a baby just shitting yourself the whole night.
Just... Let me ask you another question.
Can I ask you a question? Plastic sheets. Are you really lactose intolerant? I am.
I never knew that about you. Oh, yeah.
We eat cheese and shit all the time together. And ice cream.
Yeah, we eat ice cream together. And you're not there for the aftermath.
That's true. Send us a video.
It's a disaster. You just have to take lactate? Is that what you do? Last night I had to.
I was at Bob's Big Boy. And the person I was with, he gave me my lactate.
Who was it? Some girl I'm hanging out with. Is this a new love interest? Well, I was going to ask you something.
Yeah. Is it okay to date a girl who's also thinking about, she had one open mic.
Oh, it's dangerous. This is really dangerous.
I know, but I like her and I told her, I go, listen, you know, I've been in these situations, but it generally doesn't work out you know i mean because we're just in two different places she's like what do you mean you know i mean and it's like i want to support her because i think she can do it you know sure yeah but it's like i don't know if i want it's tough to be the beginning of someone's career that's tough yeah that's a tough place to be and how do you set boundaries you know i mean well that's going to be harder because i've done it before and this is what always happens how come i you don't ask me to open yeah and then you do and then you're dealing up sucks and then it sucks no i'll tell you what sucks about it is you start taking on their nervousness oh like one time i took a girl that was a comic that was dating up to for me. And she wasn't featuring.
She had a five-minute guest spot. And she was pacing back and forth backstage.
I got to kill, man. I got to kill.
And I was taking all her nervousness. And in my mind, I'm like, this doesn't feel right.
Yeah, it's not. Yeah, because I have to focus on my headlining.
You could date a girl who's a comic who's established. Yeah, yeah.

I think it'd be harder

to date someone

that's starting out.

Yeah.

Do you really like this person?

I do, but...

Look at me in the eyes.

I do.

You do.

Yeah, but...

Were you looking at my ear

or my eyes?

Your ears.

Okay.

Definitely your ears.

Wait a minute.

You really do like her, though.

Yeah, man, she's cool.

I like her a lot,

but I'm just saying

it's an issue.

That's dangerous.

It's so dangerous.

It sucks.

How many girls have slept over at the house since you've been single sleep over through the night into the morning sleep over one one one girl and in the morning how does that go because you're interesting in the morning I don't sleep right so you just stay up all night staring at them staring No, I'm just... Staring at the ceiling.
Yeah. Do you ever think I want...
Oh, no, sometimes I do this, though. Sometimes I'll be like this, and I'll look over at my PlayStation, and I'll look back on the sky.
Because that's what I want to be doing. Why don't you just put a screen on the ceiling? Oh, that'd be cool.
Why wouldn't you do that? You could play on your back. Then you just play on your back the whole night.
Oh, that's amazing. Let's do it.
You can afford it. I'm going to do it.
I'm going to buy that for Christmas. I'm going to install one of those.
That's really cool, yeah. Yeah, because then you don't have to wake her up you don't get up so one girl slept over in the morning I'm seeing one girl that goes do I'm seeing this other girl right now how many people are on your roster you got a football team or a basketball I'm only physically seeing one person no no I bet I know that I'm not trying to call you out I'm saying how many people many people are you talking to? Football team.
Football team. Yeah.
Nice. But I'm seeing this one girl, and she goes, this is the best.
Off front, she's like, first of all, we're never going to sleep on the same bed. I can't sleep next to somebody.
Cool. And in my mind, I went, ding.
Yes. Right? And she goes, also, if we hypothetically ever live together, she goes, I need to sleep in either a different house or a different room.

This is even better.

You love this.

Ding.

And then I asked her a question.

I go, so if I said to you, I want to play 12 hours of video games, right?

What do you – she goes, I don't give a fuck.

It's your life.

Ding.

Right?

And the only negative, she has a penis.

Okay. Boom.
No, no. There's no negative.
But my point is that, and then, like, so she's been, you know, at my house, and she's always like, right after we have, you know, hookup, she's like, are you going to call me an Uber? She's ready to go. Yeah.
It's really cool. Hey.
Yeah. That's a lot of dings.
Yeah. Have you been dating anybody? No.
You're keeping it celibate. I bought new pedals for my trumpet.
Holy fucking shit. I've gone full into my stand up.
You're diving deep into you. Yeah.
I really like that. Good for you.
New pedals for your trumpet? Yeah. I have this amp and I have the mute.
I showed you guys. It's like an electronic mute and you can plug it into guitar pedals and switch the sound up.
So you're really using the money wisely. Oh, yeah.
It's all going back into the art. She really is, dude.
But why is that? Because I will make it back. I know, but my point is, why are you cutting off a very important aspect of the human experience? Which is intimacy.
Fucking and sucking. Yeah, love will come.
I have to. Slow down.
Slow down, bud. Because you don't always get to come.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, go. But I have, and I'm also headlining in Austin.
We already did that. We did the pitching.
I have five hours to go through. Eventually, I'm going to have to do more tapings if I want.
Like, I really have to focus right now. Yeah.
And I really want to deliver a good product for people to come out to see. But that never goes away, though.
That's the problem. Yeah, you do have to have a balance of life and love and happiness and work because all that stuff will crash down.
Otherwise, you'll just be focused on one thing and then it'll all... I just feel hungry right now for like well that's good then if it's if it's servicing you then you should but don't deny the other stuff no i won't and i also don't go out in la like do you guys go out at the store tonight no no my my best friend's coming to town so i'm the next couple nights go out well we might tomorrow do we go out no i don't go fucking go out i out with my parents this weekend because they were here for the fourth.
We went out and had a fucking blast. How come I didn't see your parents? Honestly? Be real.
You don't want to introduce me? No, I took them. Every single day, we went out to do a thing, and it's a lot.
But I want to meet them. I know, dude, but it was so much of- I've never met your mother.

I know.

Carlos met them.

Fancy, why would you bring that up? Carlos met them because he was here.

It was so funny.

We were getting breakfast,

and I said, hey, we're near the studio.

You know?

Actually, I didn't even offer it.

Someone else did.

And then my mom was like, can I see the studio?

And I said, yeah, I guess. So we walk over here.
And I open the door. And it stinks like fucking weed.
And I mean, reeks. Like someone was ripping fucking six foot.
So he smokes, does drugs in your fucking. You smoke weed? Carlos.
Oh, I thought fancy was there too. I opened the door.
I opened the door. And Carlos is shit face stoned on the couch like this and he goes hey Andrew what's up man and closes his laptop I go what are you doing here man and he was like I'm waiting for packages for fan stuff and I was like okay and he met your parents and I was like here's my parents and they were like, who's that mini me Larry David guy that we met?

And then my mom goes, who is that man?

And I said, we kind of taken him in like a stray.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I let him sleep in the studio because he doesn't really have a place to live.

Did they state your house?

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

So you spent a lot of time with your parents?

We sat by the pool and talked.

Oh, that's nice.

We talked about all the controversial stuff that you want to get into with your parents.

but I'd love to be honest with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but then we took them to go watch the fireworks because I get to go see a special fireworks show because I'm a special. Yeah, I've never seen that.
What? At the 4th of July, I remember sitting by myself. I was playing Elden Ring again.
And in the distance here, pew, pew. And I realized, I go, oh, I've never seen that.
You've never gone to watch fireworks? I've seen it in the movies where I'm like, oh, that's what fireworks look like. So I've never seen it in real life.
I don't believe you. Well, he's walked outside and seen them he's not he means he's never like been near a show in the distance no like in the distance like from far away i'll go oh what's that a nuclear bomb oh no it's fireworks fireworks right sometimes it could be nuclear it's in your dna to feel that way yeah yeah but it's like i've never like been no one's ever called hey let's go to the beach and watch i don't know if they do at the beach i'm sure'm sure they do it.
Like that? Like up close? I've never seen that. It's so dope.
Well, invite me next time somebody. Okay.
I'm being real. Yeah, we do it right here and they put it right over our heads.
I don't get invited to anything. I would have invited.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.
You wouldn't have come to the thing I... Yeah, you don't want to go to things that you get invited to.
I think that's a... Well, then start to change it.
Change what? i'm willing to go anywhere with anybody so everyone and everyone anyone that's listening yeah ask them ask me you have to say yes for a week whatever i say you have to be

say yes i'll do it yeah yeah yeah i'll do well it's not like easter egg hunting i don't want to do

that well why see this is interesting i don't want to do that well why it's dumb why because i have

eggs in my fridge yeah but these are colored and sometimes you have white eggs oh yeah yeah

Thank you. Well why? See this is interesting I don't want to do that It's dumb Because I have eggs in my fridge Yeah but these are colored

You have white eggs

Thank you for being a bad friend Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.