Transatlantic Goo

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Hey, everybody! We're on tour in the fall. We added some dates.
It's going to be great. September 14th, Rochester.
Rochester, New York. 15th, we're in Northfield, Ohio.
September 16th. Two shows.
Munholl. Munholl, Pennsylvania.
We sold out the first one. The second one is added in Munhollhall.
Then October 6th, where are we? Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.
Then October 21st, we go to Washington, D.C. Go see Biden.
And then October 28th, we go to Denver, Colorado. And then November 24th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin. November 25th, Chicago.
We go Milwaukee and then Chicago. November 20th, Minneapolis, Minnesota.
November 30th is Minneapolis, Minnesota. December 1st, Wisconsin.
Madison, Wisconsin. More dates to come.
Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.
Also. And thanks to you guys, I'm going on my own tour.
That's tour. Two shows in the biggest cities in America.
Irvine on July 12th and Bakersfield on July 15th. Where can they get the tickets? Tell them.
My website, jetskijohnson.com. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Hi, Quinnipiac University. Hi, it's Fancy B.
Can I do the podcast from the school? Yeah, sure, Fancy. What do you need? I need needed to look as awkward as possible without any of the normal accoutrement of podcasts no microphone no headphone I want them to be sitting as if it's a live 60 minutes special oh good we can definitely this is awful it's gonna turn Yeah, you could do a podcast.
There's no chance this is going to turn out good. You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Welcome to another...

Welcome.

Listen, listen.

I have a question.

Yeah, please. So, you know, I didn't grow up around trees.
A lot of woods, right? So let me ask you a question, dude. All right.
You know, you watch a movie when somebody gets like knocked out and then they end up in a warehouse or in the middle of the woods. They're tied.
What is the first thing they say when they wake up? Hello. Why do they ask that? Hello? Yeah, they go they go hello didn't we talk about that already we did yes a full episode on hello you want to start again yeah let me start go ahead start again are you like me when you listen to a song like lionel richie or adele and they say hello and they say hello do you you say hello back? I always do.
Hello. I always go hello.
Hello. Anyway, that's all I want to.
I want to start off that way. And we've never talked about that before.
Yeah. And you know what? Lionel Richie, man.
Lionel Richie? Yeah, Lionel Richie. What did he do? His face is out of control.
Why? It's just so Lionel Richie-ish. Right.
It's uniquely him. Yeah, it's just like, and also he's got the fucking cosmetics to surgery, so now he's looking like a black Benedict Cumberpatch.
Cumberpatch? Yeah. Why does Benedict Cumberpatch look like he had facial plastic surgery all the time? He did.
He was in a tragic accident when he was seven years old. Dr.
Strange, he did. Yeah.
He was in a car accident. They had to fix him.
Yeah. You remember.

I do.

Here we are in Quinnipiac University,

home of men's NCAA Division I hockey championships this year.

They beat Minnesota.

They sure did beat Minnesota.

The longtime, most winningest hockey championship are, of course, Michigan.

I don't like the sport.

I don't care about the college sport. Of course, Denver and Michigan hold the reigning nine titles apiece, I believe.
And Quinnipiac University men's NCAA Division I hockey champs of this year. And they've hosted us at their college thanks to Fancy B.
Thank you, Fancy B, for having us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We are in the midst of a wooded area that we drove through today in Connecticut. Yeah.
It's called the Sleeping Giant Hill Woods. State Park.
Sleeping Giant State Park. You think your people live in the forest? No, but if you were lost in the forest, and you saw naked Bobby Lee there, peek around a fucking oak tree.
Yeah, you'd be like, he belongs in. And I go, paraquilabo.
Right? You'd be like, fuck, he lives here. Yeah.
Paraquilabo. Is that the language you speak? Yeah, like a lululubana.
Somebody said that we seem like we have our own language do you think we can communicate without using English let's try oh yeah yeah ready ready I'm gonna so we're in an elevator I need to know the environment yeah had job interview I'm interviewing you yeah and I'm and I'll tell you what the factory it's a factory for what? felt oh felt factory for Muppets and stuff oh okay for puppets for puppets and stuff puppets and Muppets yeah but we're in an island off of the off of Thailand off the coast of Tunisia Gonk oh Gonk Island yeah Gonk island got it right I replaced the end with another

oh hmm right that's how crafty I am I like it but if you put the o in the place of N it'll sound something different what is it exactly so different felt factory ready hmm What's up?

Yes, I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one.

I'm going to go to the next one. Felt Factory, ready? Mm-hmm.
What happened in that?

Yeah.

You said, hi, I'm here to interview for the job.

And you said, do you have any experience? And you said, yes, I have tons of experience with Muppets. And you said, do you finger the Muppets? And then you acted out a whole fingering of the Muppets.
That's exactly what it was. And then when I brought it to you, what were you thinking? And you were like, who's that? And you're like, I don't know.
And I'm also thinking, I don't know who I am in this sketch either. I was never introduced.
But I did a swipe. So what was the swipe about? I would swipe off her on Tinder.
I don't know which way is way. You would say no to her on Tinder.
Deny. She looks R-worded.
Slow. She's very slow.
And we made fun of your breasts. And my breasts are funny.
Oh, that's not. I didn't.
That's not why. I thought you were saying they were really fun.
Yeah. That's what I mean.
No, I thought this meant like jacket.

Like jacket, jacket.

Oh.

Oh, no, it was boobs.

Oh, it was.

Yeah.

In our language, it's either boobs or poncho.

Yeah, yeah, poncho, poncho, poncho.

She wearing a poncho.

Oh, that's what it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, she wearing a poncho.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So let me ask.

Yeah.

Did he get the job?

He owns a factory.

Oh, my bad.

Wait, you just gave it to me like that?

Yeah, I was CEO.

I don't CEO. And I was like, no, he's better.

He's got to have it.

Yeah, and you and I, right?

We die.

We die, dude.

That makes sense.

Who dies first?

She dies first.

Dude, in any scenario, she dies first.

I jump to catch a bullet, but it goes through me and kills him anyway.

Yeah, we'll go right through you.

Yeah.

No, you've gone to the gym a lot lately, so you might be tough.

That muscle might be thick.

I just started going to the gym, but thank you. Let me see your muscle.
Show me your arm. My arm muscle? Look at that thing.
Something in there. Jacked.
We're all going to the gym. I think you should join.
You said you were going to start doing it. I'd love to.
Let me ask you another question. May I ask you a question? Diversion.
I'd love to. Diversion.
Diversion. I'd love to.
Let me ask you something. If we were in a war where I got shot and the bullet went through my body and hit you, would you die too? Or would the bullet be not as potent? I think you have enough padding to slow it down.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
I think if it went through me. Just say fat.
Just say fat. No, I said padding.
I think if it went through me, it would kill you immediately. If it went through me.
Right. But you've got way more cushion for the pushing.
Would you think you would live and I would die? If the bullet went through you and hit me?

No, it went through you.

Oh, if it went through me, I'd die.

And it hit me?

I would die and you'd be severely impaired.

Right.

I feel like it would bounce off my body though.

Mm-mm.

No?

Gonna go right through that thing.

Okay.

It's soft.

Right.

Like it looks like it's a tough exterior, but then you can get through it real easy.

Like Play-Doh.

Yeah.

Would you rather get shot or get hacked to death with a machete? Shot. Immediately.
Kill me immediately. Machete.
You want to get stabbed slowly? I like the drama. And I like I want to show my acting chops.
You're not going to be acting. That's going to be reeling.
Yeah, it's method acting. Oh, that's deep.
Yeah. So you're going to slowly die? Yeah.
I probably need a couple of takes.

I would need a couple of takes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just thought about that.

Yeah.

And slice me again, I would say.

Do it again because I wasn't in the moment.

Go ahead.

I'm bleeding now already.

I have to fart.

Hold on.

Let me make you mad.

No.

I have egg farts today. I know.
Sorry. That's a good defense, though, if you're getting hacked up.
You start fart. Hold on.
Let me make you mad. No.
I have egg farts today.

I know.

Sorry.

That's a good defense, though, if you're getting hacked up.

You start farting?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Like squids put out that black ink.

That's yours.

I do Korean farts.

Yellow fog.

Yellow fog.

Wow.

And all the...

Look at this person going for a run into the hidden forest.

And look at those shorts he's wearing.

Good luck, though. You go out there to where the sleeping giant is.
Dude, let me just say something right now. You white people, you guys really do live this life.
I just saw it. What do you mean? Taking a run? Yeah, but he doesn't give a fuck.
I'm going to wear these shorts. I'm free.
That's a girl. I'm going to go to the woods.
It is? Yeah. I wasn't going to say it.
It's a lady. Yeah, it's a lady.
She's hot. What do you mean white people live this life? What's this life? Taking a run? Going for a run? It's not just that.
Look at the trees. Right.
You're frolicking. That's not even fucking running.
That's frolicking. You never frolick? That's a skip.
No, we don't do that, man. What do you mean? Yes, you do.
What do you mean? You think Asians don't go for runs? You think when we're on a rickshaw, we frolic? No, we run. Skip.
No, we don't skip. You never skip.
Dude, as a fucking rickshaw runner, I'm going to try to get as fast as you can to your destination so I can make more money. More tips.
Yeah. If I get fast, I'd bring you the Shanghai Hyatt.
Right? You're staying at the Hyatt? Oh, yeah. Four Seasons.
Thank you. Shanghai Four Seasons.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go, hey, buddy, get on.
And I'll go, hey, man, you did a great job. It was 20.
Yeah. And I'll get you to...
You'd get me to my destination. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think you'd do a great job, but I do think you could live this life. I know you say that, but you could live this life.
With the white people? I think you could.

You do.

You've grown up amongst whites.

You act like you're so foreign.

I'm white adjacent.

No, I think you're white in.

You're in white.

No, dude, I feel white.

You're off white.

You're Virgil Abloh's off white.

Because you know I would.

You're egg white.

You're egg white.

No, no.

He's the yolk.

I'm the yolk.

Yeah.

I'm the egg white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the yolk.

In the breakfast sandwich of Bad Friends, I'm the egg white. He's the yolk.
I'm the yolk. I'm the egg white.
I'm the egg white. In the breakfast sandwich of Bad Friends, I'm the egg white.
He's the yolk. You're the English muffin.
I'm the muffin. You're the muffin for sure.
But I'm the fattening part. That's right.
Hell yeah. That's why you're the yolk.
I get it. You're all the cholesterol.
Fat's flavor, baby. Yeah.
Well, you're the English muffin. You're dry.
Yeah, but I hold everything together. Yes, you do.
And you have many crevasses. You have little nooks and crannies.
Give us your best British accent right now. Okay, okay.
Oh, my God. That's so bad.
Do it again. What do you mean? You didn't like it the first time? It's so fucking bad.
Very good. It's so bad.
I like it. Tell me in your best British accent, like, your grocery store list.

Like, you're reading me off your grocery store list.

All right, all right.

Let's see what we got here.

I need some...

Potatoes.

Potatoes.

Let her do it.

Let her do it.

Asperger's.

Why do I pick that word?

Asperger's.

She said Asperger's.

Asperger's.

We don't sell that here.

Asperger's.

Yeah, you're the store manager.

Bonjour. I would not do anything.
Yeah, they do. They do.
Hello, hello. Hello, hello.
Are you looking for Asperger's? Yes, you have Asperger's here. Asperger's is an internal disease, right? No, no.
Or an affliction. The one that makes your piss smell.
Oh, we have got that in the veggie aisle. All right, all right.
All right, all right. You know what's so great? This is like a film school.
Yeah, we're fired. Imagine how little these kids are learning from us.
They're listening to this being like, this can't be good. This is not what we should be knowing.
Let me ask you this. I think that sounded really good.
The English come over here, right? And then through time, we came up with our own accent. What the fuck happened? How come we don't talk like this now? Well, you know, transatlantic became an accent when they were crossing over the ocean because so many people were blending their accents together.
And then what happened is when you moved to different sections. Transatlantic, so they're binary too, huh? The oceans.
Non. They're non-binary.
The oceans are non-binary. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting. Like have you ever seen...
The oceans are getting involved. Well involved well the Pacific Ocean does not so if I call an ocean a lake they're like maybe I can be whatever I want they want oh so an ocean can be a river is that what they're saying it can now I don't like it it's just a body it's too far a body of water it's too far for me what's next you gonna take away river rights yeah I'm looking at the ocean, I'm going, hey, Pacific, you're an ocean.
They're like, I'm a puddle. Then in my mind, I'd be like, I don't think you are, man.
Yeah, but I am. I'm the Pacific Ocean, and I'll be whatever I want to be.
Okay. Okay, I'm not even water anymore.
How about that? I'm land. You have to respect that.
And land is water. Whoa.
That's intense. So nothing makes sense anymore.

Correct.

Nothing means anything.

So transatlantic.

Transatlantic.

Yeah.

Do you know what the transatlantic accent was?

Do you know what I'm referring to?

No.

When you hear this very like astute debonair type of talk when everyone went up.

Yes.

That was a transatlantic accent. During the course of people coming over, accents were merged and forged together.

So it's kind of sounded like TV talk a little bit.

Thank you. a transatlantic accent.
There was like a, during the course of people coming over, accents were merged and forged together. So it's kind of sounded like TV talk a little bit.
Old timey Hollywood. Yeah, exactly right.
Yeah, transatlantic had very much of this. A very astute.
Transatlantic. Nobody sounded like that in England.
I talk like this now. I talk like this now.
Get your paper. Paper here.
But then that stuff all dissipated and people started to move away. Duke them up.
Duke them up. Duke them up.
Duke them up. Show me what you got.
Well, show me your dukes or put them up. It's not Duke them up.
I say Duke them up. Duke them up.
Duke them up. I see.
I say Duke them up. Put out some Billie Holiday.
Duke them up. You land on Ellis Island.
Yeah. Right? Where's the first place you're moving to? Ellis Island.
Well, you can't move here, man. This is the port.
So you got to pick a place. Okay.
I'll move to Maine. Maine? What part of Maine? Portsmouth.
Portsmouth, Maine. Is there a Portsmouth, Maine? There sure is.
Is it really? So you came all the way here from China, yeah? Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
And what's your trade? My trade? Yeah. Dynamite.
so you just have the way here from China yeah yes I have yes I have what's your trade my trade dynamite so you just you make dynamite well at first my friend at first my friend I was gonna work on the railroad that's it I have a movie this is it I was gonna work on the railroad but I found out a transatlantic Chinese guy yeah yeah but I found out that the Chinese were blowing up so I decided I'm gonna move to Bortsmouthortsmouth. And I'll tell you, my buddy friend, duke him up.
Duke him up. And I'm going to work in the lobster trade.
Oh, smart. And clams and mussels and other crustaceans.
Sounds like you got your whole life patterned out. Does anybody want a paper? Why are you trying to fight everyone who's trying to win? Du'em up.
Duke'em up? That's so angry. How do you know how it's Chinese? Yeah.
Is your publication I refuse to work on the railroad. Is your publication called Duke'em up? Yes.
Duke'em up papers. Yes.
See? And I, you know, you know, from where I come from, right, we do, hi-yah, hi-yah. No, I'm now transatlantic.
I do a Duke'emgum up dude that would be a cool fucking ramen

ramen?

what?

let's start a ramen company

called gugum up

what do you mean?

I don't know

I would buy ramen

that's called gugum up

he's hungry

yeah you're starving

yeah that's all it is

I'm so hungry

I had breakfast

and lunch right there

he changed his dynamite

I like this

transatlantic

the transatlantic

I like this guy

I like this guy

welcome to America kid

yes

thank you

what's my new name

I'm Chang Thank you. What's my new name? I'm Chang.
No, not anymore. I know, but I was Chang.
What is my name now? Now your name's Jimmy, see? Jimmy. Post Chang.
You're Post Chang. Post Chang.
What's my last name? Your name is Post Chang. Jimmy Post Chang.
Jimmy Post Chang. Jimmy Post Chang.
Jimmy Post Chang. Jimmy Duke-em-Up Post Chang.
You know the legend of Jimmy Duke-Em-Up Post Chang?

Yeah.

One of the greatest boxer slash crustacean sellers of all time.

Hello.

But you know what sucks about us back in the day?

You know, I mean, we were in San Francisco Asians, right?

Yeah.

And probably New York and stuff, right?

Because, you know, the Chinatown and stuff like that.

But there was no cross...

Like, do you think back in the day in the 40s or the 30s, I'd be able to get white girls? No. Yeah.
White girls have no rights. No.
You still don't? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I have a little more.
White girls got no rights? White girls got no rights back then. What are you talking about? Well, they could have voted.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You could marry one, easy.
No, but he's saying, could he hook up with white girls? They're not going to hook up with... No, you'd have to marry one and be with her forever.
No, I don't think they would even marry him. I think that they would look right through me.
Not if you were Jimmy Dugum up post-Chang. Jimmy Dugum up post-Chang.
Oh, Jimmy Dugum up post-Chang? Everybody knows you. Oh, fuck.
On the Eastern Seaboard. You're the hottest, sexiest Chinese man of all time.
Very successful shellfish business. That's right.
Yeah. I've heard of you.
Are you Jimmy Dugamup Post Chang? Yes. I've heard of you.
Yes, I am. Crustacean business.
I have the crustacean business. Would you like to eat my white muffin? Does it taste like mussels? This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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Turns apply. Do his accent.
I gotta say it and I'll do it. I need to hear it first.
I'll be back. I'll be back.
I'll be back. I'll be back.
I'll be back. So exhausted.
So exhausted. Can you believe? Can you believe? There it is.
Can you believe? All of the years I spent. All of the years I spent.
exhausted can you believe can you believe all of the years can you believe all of the years I spent all of the years I spent fancy can you make an animated pussy talk wait it's Schwarzenegger if you had a strong yeah right I could do that all of the years all of the years that that I spent I spent lifting weights lifting weights in Austria yeah Austria that. In Austria.
That's good. Austria.

It's pretty good. Jimmy, do come up post-Chang.

Jimmy, do come up post-Chang.

Anyway, so I always think about like, you know, this is the only time where my people could be here in the last 30 or 40 years.

What do you mean be here in Connecticut?

No, in America.

You've been in America.

I know.

I'm just saying.

For a long time.

In the early, you know, in the 1800s or early 19th century, I wouldn't be able to be here. I wouldn't have'm just saying.
For a long time. In the 1800s or early

19th century, I wouldn't be able to be here.

I wouldn't have the life that I have now.

I couldn't do stand-up.

Do you not know about one of the most

famous cowboys of all time?

Jong Wang.

Jong Wang.

I've never heard of him. Tell me.

He was a

famous bank robber.

That's interesting. Tell me more about Jong up.
He was a famous bank robber. Whoa.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Tell me more about Jong Wang.

Jong Wang, hands to the sky.

And he would go rob banks.

He literally took trains across the West and would rob banks.

He was a famous.

This is a real guy.

Really?

Famous.

I've got to play him in a movie game.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let me see if I can play him.

Yeah.

Stick him up.

Hands to the sky.

Listen here, Wang.

What? You've been through these parts before. You think you're going to get away with this? Oh, you trick me.
I don't have a gun. Oh.
These are my fingers. Oh, John.
I got you. Oh, John.
I'm a comedian too. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was a comedian. He made the bank tellers laugh.
That's how he got their mind. I've never seen you do an Asian accent.
And you never will. I would love to hear it.
I know. Well, dude, have you seen this video that circulated about the howling? Or they call it the they call it the...
What is it called? It's called like the... I watched it the other night about there's a bunch of sailors that they say...
The egger? What? The ones with the lobster with the eggs? No, no, no. I was...
Kick him out. I was...
No, no, no. No, no, there's a bunch.
I'm kidding. You can kick him out.
But I'm kidding. No, no, there's a bunch of sailors that there's a theory, you have to look it up, McCone, about getting called into the sea about mermaids.
Oh, the sirens. The sirens.
The sirens. I loved great history.
Do you know about the sirens of the sea? Yeah, I play video games and sometimes they're sirens and they sing.

Have you heard it?

There's a video

that's circulating

on the internet now

of a guy,

of a fisherman

out in the sea

and the sirens sound so...

But they can do that in post.

I don't mind.

No, no, no, no.

Unless I'm on the boat,

I'm not gonna...

This is shot on like

a fucking Samsung Galaxy 1.

Oh, well then that's real.

And he just heard the sound?

He's recording

and he's like,

listen to this

and he's showing that there's tracers in the water and he's like, what is tracing with us? And his buddy is like, you know, nobody knows. And then they're hearing the sirens and they start talking about it.
And all the thread below it is about how the sirens was this old myth that mermaids would call sailors to jump in. But this used to happen a lot.
People would kind of lose their orientation. and would jump into the sea, pirates and sailors and stuff because of the sirens of these maidens from the sea.
It made me really believe in mermaids. I genuinely think it's real.
Can I ask you this? Seriously, do you not believe in mermaids? I don't. Actually, no.
Now, I'm not saying, listen to me though. Yeah.
I'm not saying mermaid in the traditional sense where you see like half woman with a fish body below. You believe in aliens, but we have no idea what they look like.
So why wouldn't you believe in like a merging humanistic form that lives under the sea? Because I don't live in space, so I don't know about the aliens. Do you believe in them? Do you believe in them? Yeah, but because theoretically there's billions of fucking planets out there.
Some of those planets probably can support life. But the depths of the ocean, the depths of the ocean, we have no idea.
We have no clue. We know, we know less about the ocean than we know about space.
All right. I mean, it's like, do you believe in centaurs? Do I believe that they could have existed at one point? Absolutely.
Really? Just some dude that looks like Jason Momoa from The Waste Up? Do you think everyone has looked like you since the beginning of time? I hope not. Me neither.
I know. So we've changed shape and form.
But I'm also a deep cut when it comes to humans. You're a pretty shallow cut.
What? When it comes to humanistic form, I mean, you're kind of like- No, I'm like an inoriginal. Yeah, you're like the stages.
Then they carve it up into something more beautiful. No, that's not...
Like I'm a slab of fucking concrete or marble or something? Kind of, yeah. You're like the beginning.
Like clay. You're like clay.
No, no, no. Look at that little clay ball trying to get up in the chair.
When aliens come down here, they're going to look at me and they go, wow, they did it. Wow, they finally fucked it up.
No, no, the other way. Well, the other way.
Well, wow, they make one of these too. We have some on our planet.
Yeah, we play with them. And they live in the bottom of the hour oceans.
So wait, the mermaid in space is you. I'm a space mermaid.
You're a space mermaid. Fuck yeah, dude.
To them, you're a mermaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that. Do you really do believe in mermaids? I'll be honest.
100%. What would your siren call? Can I hear your siren call? I don't believe in them so I shouldn't have.
You are a mermaid of space. What's your siren call in space? See? Suck it.
I would steer towards that. I would say suck it in space.
Suck it. Suck it.
But in some people at the end, is she saying suck it? What is she saying at the end? Suck it. Sock it? Yeah.
There's no sound in space. There is sound.
There is sound. If he's on a planet.
Okay, okay. If he's on Mars.
Checks out. Checks out.
Dude, imagine though if we could take a space. Whoa, what is that?

What is that?

Bobby, we have to go towards that sound. You know what that sounds like?

Eat it.

I absolutely believe in mermaids.

Wow.

I believe in something else.

There's other life forms underneath the ocean that we have no idea about.

I don't know what it looks like.

I believe in minotaurs. Sure.
one we know one who you don't think that in one time i wish we could just say whatever we want in life we can i know i'm gonna say we can't i wish we could do i wish in our society we could just do a podcast where there's no cutting. No consequences.
No consequences, nothing. We could just be free and say whatever you want and not get canceled.
We're about as free as we can get. No, we're not because we are cutting a lot out.
I want to be able to say anything I want. Yeah, but then you get, there's consequences.
I don't want consequences. Why should there be consequences with the things that you say? What do you mean? Because you're broadcasting this to hundreds of thousands of people.
Yeah. Grow up.
Grow up. No, it's comedy.
Here's the deal. We say as much as we can in a free form without trying to make people feel bad.
Yes. Right.
You don't want to hurt people. Yeah.
Yeah, I know, but you're right. Because people have said things about you that you don't like.
And me. I understand that, but still, they should have every right to do it.
And I don't think I should be able to ruin their life because they said it. But sometimes it's fun to want to ruin their lives.
Like fatties. I want to talk about fatties, man.
People that are chubby. Whatever.
Well, do you think you're allowed to talk about something if you fall in the category? But because you're a little chunky right now, don't you think you fall in the category? Yeah. That's why I think I can.
You can. I've gained weight, huh? A little bit.
Stop sucking in your stomach. No, I've gained weight.
I see you doing it right now. Let it go.
See? There it is. I feel I've gained weight.
I've gained so much weight. Can I tip you off as maybe why? Cookies? You ordered four sandwiches yesterday.
Four sandwiches that were this big each. Yeah, yeah.
He ordered four sandwiches and you didn't even finish them. I gave him a cone because, by the way, he eats once a month and you left all of them on the table in the fridge.
With one bite out. With one bite.
That's so wasteful. So what? No, that's no no good.
Wasteful. That's what his pants are saying.
Wasteful. Yeah.
That's what your pants say when you put them up. Because let me say something.

You know,

you know,

like the sea creatures out there?

Yeah.

You know sea creatures?

Like my little mermaid?

The little mermaids?

Yeah.

You know there are like islands made out of plastics

that we human beings

throw out there?

We're cleaning them up.

I don't want them to.

You want them to

pollute the ocean more?

No,

you're not polluting

because they float plastic.

Yeah.

And you know,

ducks and seagulls,

they can relax on them.

Okay, so check it out.

Everybody at home,

please start throwing plastic bottles

back into the ocean.

I agree with this.

I think we should start with this.

I always say,

look at those colors.

Look at that pink straw

that's jabbed into that fucking duck's eye.

Also, when the plastic melts,

it creates beautiful colors in the water.

Exactly.

Yeah, when the plastic melts.

It's good for the fish.

It's so good.

You know, anyway,

that's just my tool. Well, tell me what you want to talk about fat people then because you're fat now, so go ahead.
No, I don't – but you're not – I don't think – I have a broader point I want to say. Well, give it to me.
I am giving it to you now. I'm just saying that like, you know, how freeing would it be if we could just say exactly what we want and how we feel about certain things? But is it how you really feel or you know it's a joke so you're saying it is – I think it's a joke but still it's like I want to be able to go there but you can't.
Go ahead. How do you feel about fat people? How do you feel about them? I hate them.
Wow. Here we go.
I love them. I love them.
No see you just said you wanted to be free. Yeah.
So then be free. No what I'm saying.
Yeah you're right. But you know my brother.
This is my point. You don't actually want to say it.
You're right this is my point

you don't actually want to say it

you're right

but I want the freedom to have that as an option

it is

of course you can

there is consequences

you can go around town saying whatever you want

something may happen because of it

well that's the whole point

so we pick and choose what we're okay with

maybe saying

but I think that words and actions are two different things

Let's go. something may happen because of it.
Yeah. Well, that's the whole point.
So we pick and choose what we're okay with maybe saying. Yeah.
But I think that words and actions are two different things. Yeah, but one can lead to the other.
That is true. They're not mutually exclusive, but they can.
You're right. You go to an all-black neighborhood, yell the N-word, see if anything happens.
I would never do that. It's not funny.
I know. That's my point.
Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about. What are you talking about?

In a comedic way, if we could talk about certain things.

You know what I mean?

Like, for instance, the whole transatlantic thing we did.

Yeah, it was fun.

I know, but in many ways, we might not even let it fucking air that.

What are you talking about?

Or when I did Asian accent.

Yeah.

No, that one we're keeping air. I know, we are.

But also, what you're talking about, the transatlantic joke was a broader joke. Yeah.
That is simple. Did you put that dip back in your mouth? Yeah.
Good. Double dip.
Double dipping, dog. That is way past the three second rule.
I understand that. But I'm just- First of all, can we talk about that real quick? What? Did scientists measure that fucking three seconds? Why three seconds? They did.
Germs only move at a certain speed. That's right.

Right, so in three seconds.

In 1956, they found out.

They did a bunch of research

to find out.

Germs are slow.

Germs are very slow.

French fry on the floor.

Let's, oh.

Germs have an extra chromosome.

I think a dad started that

because he was tired

of his kids wasting food.

Yeah.

It's like, ah, three seconds.

You can still eat it.

Okay.

Germs have an extra chromosome.

They're a little slow.

Oh, they do.

They're a little slow. I did not know that.
They're a little slow. They're downy? A little bit.
Okay. Do they have boo? What? There's down syndrome germs? Are there germs that have like spinal bifida? They kind of, you know what I mean? That's why they call it downy soap because it like balances out the germs.
All right. Is that what I'm saying.
Is that are there dwarf germs? There are. Smaller than regular germs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Smaller than the eye can see. Right.
And the other germs make fun of them. They do.
They pick on them. Come on, Tommy.
Catch up. I try the best I can.
Just the right. Right? So what I'm saying, you know.
What's the longest something could be on the floor before you'd eat it? I've eaten things after like a couple hours, actually. Got it on the floor.
Yeah. The floor? Floor? Like a potato chip? Yeah.
Oh, see, potato chip I'm okay with because it's fried and coated. Not gravy.
I wouldn't scoop up gravy on the floor. Of course not.
But. I want to.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Okay, let's go over the list of things that falls on a dirty kitchen floor that you would

pick back up and eat.

A potato chip, I'm totally...

I'm okay with it.

I'm okay with potato chip.

What about a piece of fruit, like a strawberry?

I was just thinking that.

No.

No.

It's too wet.

What about a hard...

Like an apple has a hard outside.

Apple's not wet on the outside.

No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, 100%.

Apple's fine.

Oh, like a full apple.

Yeah, full apple.

Not cut.

Yeah. Not cut out.
Oh, then watermelon then. Yeah, because you could wash it.
Oh no, sliced watermelon. No, just a whole watermelon.
Ah, and I can't, no. Of course, water, that's fine.
It sits outside. That's what I'm saying.
All right, so what about something that's a little bit like a peach because a peach is soft and a little moist in it. It's fine if you could wash it.
No, you can't wash it. No, that's the whole point.
You can't wash this. Yeah, in this fucking center, no wash it.
You can't wash it. No, you can't wash it.
That's the whole point. You can't wash this.
Yeah, in this fucking center, no washing. You can't wash it.
That's the whole point of this. No washing.
A peach? Yeah. You're eating it.
Yeah. Okay.
For some reason, I would eat a rib. Like cooked ribs? Like a cooked rib? That is the most.
That's the worst. It's covered in like glue.
For some reason, I could eat one side of it or something. The sauce is like, the sauce is glue.
I know, but if it's like on a side, I could eat the side that's not on the floor. All right, check it out.
Slice of pizza falls face side up, right? So just the crust hits, you still going to eat it? Hell yeah. Ooh, that's interesting.
Pizza's always good. Yeah, because the crust is hard.
Yeah, I would eat it. And it's burnt.
I would eat it. You would.
How many hours though? Six. No.
Four.

An hour.

An hour max?

Yeah.

What happens after one hour?

Ugh, that's so good.

Will the downy spurt catch us up?

The downy trams I mean.

Finally gets there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, what about like,

what about a liquid that spills?

No.

No liquid at all?

If they had Cleopatra's breast milk,

I might taste it.

That's right?

No, it liquid at all.

If they had Cleopatra's breast milk, I might taste it.

That's right?

No, it's preserved in a sarcophagus.

Imagine they open the sarcophagus.

She's holding just a bottle of breast milk.

They preserved it.

Yeah, take a sip.

It's history.

Yeah.

Would you... Okay, let me just ask you another question then.

Would you eat Abe Lincoln's boogers? You know, they used to collect his boogers. Who did? Abe's wife, Mabe.
I'd have to try it. Mabe and Abe.
Mabe and Abe. Because I've had like modern day boogers, but I've never had historic boogers.
When's the last time you ate a booger for real? A day? Two days? Hours. I'll be honest with you.
Did you eat a booger today? In the car?

If it has the red driedness to it, I sometimes eat it.

Blood?

Yeah.

If there's a little bit of blood on it.

You get that flavor, you know what I mean?

Yikes.

Have you ever eaten a booger?

Yeah.

I've never eaten a booger.

Never in your life?

No, because-

That's so not true.

That's such a lie.

Fuck you.

My hand to God.

My hand to God.

I've done much more-

You don't believe in God?

I don't give a fuck.

I've done embarrassing stuff.

Even when you were a kid?

Never.

Never. Because I saw the kids that did eat boogers and they grossed me out.
Yeah, me too. But sometimes it happens.
Even worse. I've never eaten a scam.
Never. That's insane.
I'll be the first to admit. I have.
No shit. Yeah.
Not shit. Nobody's blown away.
Not shit. You've tried poop.
Never. You've licked it.
You've licked poop. No, I've never pooped.
You look at me and say you've licked poop. If Cleopatra's fucking poo-ed-ed on it, maybe I would eat it.

Stop diverting.

You have one time tasted your poop.

Look me in the face.

I swear I gotta have it.

Say swear on everything.

I swear on everything.

That you've never tasted your poop.

I've never eaten poop.

That's ridiculous.

Taste it.

Not even on accident.

There's no flavor.

I know that.

There's no flavor.

I know you've tried.

Have you tried your own spunk?

Can I ask you about that?

Have you tried your own spunk?

Can we go back to Cleopatra? No. Have you tried your own spunk? Can I ask you about that? Have you tried your own spunk? Can we go back to Cleopatra?

Have you tried your own spunk?

What's a spunk?

Your own jizz?

Yes, everyone has.

No, I've never had.

Never.

Never.

Not one time in your life.

Never.

No interest.

No curiosity.

Nope, none.

Yeah.

Nope.

I see it.

I smell it.

I know it.

You got to do that tonight, though.

The booger and your jizz.

You have to.

Taste them both.

You got to become a human being.

But when you do it, you feel like it's cannibalism.

Because you're eating your kids.

You're eating your own food peeps.

So it's not good.

No.

You didn't like it?

Can I ask you something?

You're a scientist.

God bless.

Right?

You discover the tomb of Cleopatra.

Here she is.

Right?

Mummified.

Right?

Yeah.

As a scientist, you go, I want to see what's on the inside.

Right?

You unravel her.

There it goes.

Right?

I'm joking. Don't be honest.
I know. know.
Everything's petrified, except for the vag. It's perfectly intact.
That's how you become the mummy. It awakens.
Then Brendan Fraser has to come back and kill her. What do mummies sound like? But Brendan Fraser as the whale comes back to kill her.
I've always wanted to be what Indiana Jones did.

What?

An anthropologist.

Archaeologist.

That's what I mean.

Let him have it.

Let him have it the way he wants it. Yeah, no, an archaeologist.

I think you should be an anthropologist.

No, I'd be cool being an archaeologist.

You would raid things?

No, but I've always wanted to go to a dirt field with those little brushes. You imagine you have the patience to do that that's insane you have to go to school first oh i could ruin my fucking dreams man no but let me ask you a real question yeah you know you'd have to see you yeah of course i go to school man that's not that you sit out there for hours and hours and hours you have the patience to do that yeah hunched over in the dirt if there's can find like an exotic coin.
Yeah, but it's hours and most days you find nothing. I know, but if I can find one.
But let's say you don't. You spend your whole life.
Do I get like, you know, back in Jurassic Park and stuff, they give you like the city funds it. They find like a philanthropic billionaire who funds my fucking research.
I'll just be out there in the middle of a fucking random field and just do that all day. Yeah, you're funded by some non-profit but you're not making a lot of money.
You can't? A foundation is sponsoring you. You're making a little bit of money to survive.
Yeah, but that's better than working at Denny's. Says who? You're right.
The Grand Slam? You don't want to slap those on tables all day long? No, but if you could discover like, you know what I want to discover? What, baby? Find that little knife that stabbed Jesus in the gut. Knife? He got nailed.
He got nailed to a cross. No, but there was a, didn't somebody stab him on the side? I knew they read different stories in Korean churches.
They did, they did. They did, right? He's thinking of Judas.
Yeah, but he didn't kill him. I know, but if you could discover that knife, and then you have Jesus' blood on the tip of the knife.
Would you lick it? No, I wouldn't lick it. No, I'll clone it.
Yeah, like Jurassic Park. Like Jurassic Park.
Jesus Park. They have a bunch of Jesuses.
Jesus Park. Yeah, yeah, Jesus Park.
They're going to... Right.
And there's like a Jesus on a tree. They're going...
They do not in it. That'd be so cool, dude.
I would make hundreds of them. Yeah, it's not a knife, it's a lance.
What? The Holy Lance. Yeah.
That's Spirit Jesus. It's called the Holy Lance? The Holy Lance.
And they've cloned him? And they found it? Lance. I think it's still missing.
Lance. I think it was saying Holy Lance.
It is a Holy Lance. Yeah, but so the Holy Lance, did they ever find that thing? Spear of Destiny it's also called.
Yeah, spear of destiny. Did they ever find it? It's still missing.
It's still missing. Dude, let's find it.
Sounds suspect to me. What? Still missing.
Didn't happen. Really? He was never shanked.
I think Jesus made everything bigger than it was. Like walk on water.
He skipped across a pond. Judas probably just bumped into it.
Oh, did you see what Judas just did? He stopped me. It was just in the farmer's market.
Jesus, relax. Wait, who's the X-Men that did split the ocean? Wolverine.
Oh, wait. Sorry.
I got my stories. Who's the guy from the biblical times that did the divine? Yeah, there's an X-Men that split the oceans.
I got Moses. Moses is part of the sea.
That's a guy that's dope. He's not an X-Men.
Was he? Who else could split the ocean apart like that? Moses. X-Men.
He's like... That's interesting.
Moses was Jewish, right? Or Aquaman. Wasn't he Jewish? Moses was Jewish.
Yeah. And he split the sea and he goes, Oh, too high.
The water was so high. Oh, really? Can I ask you another thing about the Bible? Yeah.
I've been thinking about this. Yeah.

You know how Jesus turned water into wine?

Why did he do that?

Because let me ask you something.

He's God, right?

So he could fucking turn water into any beverage,

even beverage that weren't even invented,

like a pina colada.

Imagine if he turned water into pina colada,

and they're like, what is this?

But I think one of them is so much easier to communicate.

What do you mean?

Well, wine.

He's like, you know, grapes, wine. And everyone's like, okay.
But it'd be hard to be like, pina colada, you know. Yeah.
The flavor of coconut that you get. But that's so cool.
Like, this is from the future. It would be funny if you have to like name brands in the Bible.
Yeah. That's a sugar-free Red Bull.
They're like, whoa, I'm not tired. What sugar? Don't worry.
It's free of it. Yeah.
I mean, you could do any beverage. Yeah.
He should have turned it into, I don't know. You know what? That's a really, really good question.
Think about it, dude. And why did Jesus, if he was also powerful? Exactly.
How come he didn't just heal everybody? Right. Only lepers? What about hiv? Yeah, he let those go.
Yeah. Imagine if, like, there was, like, a...
Jesus, please. I'm dying.
Right. Will you help me? Yeah.
Like a Freddie Mercury guy, you know what I mean? Thick mustache. Can you imagine? Yeah.
That's what Jesus looked like? No, I'm just saying, if he could cure Hiv... They do say Jesus was a frequent at bathhouses.
But he could only heal the people that believed in him and his dad.

Yeah, you had to believe in both?

What if you just believed in one?

I don't think you can.

It's like a package deal. There's three of them, right?

Holy Ghost, Jesus, and God.

They're the same thing.

Yeah, all three of them you got to believe in.

No, but the Holy Ghost is Jesus when he's dead.

Whoa.

Dead Jesus is Holy Ghost.

Wait, I didn't get that far yet.

That's at the end. In the book? Yeah.
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HelloFresh is America's number one meal kit. But alcohol has been consumed most likely in the history of humanity more than water was consumed at one point because water was deadly and poisonous.
Yeah. But because through fermentation, people would often drink.
Like it was not unusual for people of a certain era to drink spirits in the morning for breakfast. Yeah.
Because water was poisoned. Yeah.
Water was filthy, I mean. It was polluted.
Whoa. So they would just, you know, you would make alcohol, and it's easier to drink, safer to drink.
You know who would be the worst follower of Jesus? Who? Bert Kreischer. He'd have fucking gallons of water.
Come on, Jesus. Every time Jesus would make something, he finishes it.
He's like, water. Come on, Bert.
Don't you think? Water. Do water into Tino's vodka.
Come on, Jesus. Jesus, secret time, secret time, secret time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know much about the Bible.
I was not raised with a religion, so I don't know much about it. I don't know much either.
I just know what I've heard. I know bullet points you know yeah that's a show that's what you say it doesn't show this guy you know he's a Catholic yeah who's the guy the Jonah no it's Ark I was just thinking I was our Jonas brothers the rainbow no there was one guy right the book of Job yeah Job that Is it Job or Job? Job.
Okay. But spelled the same? Yeah.
Remember the transatlantic accent? That's where it came from. So Job.
Job. It's not Job.
It's Job. Oh, yeah.
So Job, let me talk about Job, right? Tell me all about him. I don't know much about him.
That's what I'm about because I'm just through memory. God took a lot away from him.
Is that that guy? Job. Yeah, God took from him.
A lot his wife and kids and kids and all that right and then and Job was like yes yes but he was like so dedicated to God that at the end God goes here's more women yeah he gave them all the chicks God told me to do it see I'm sorry sweetheart this is God's will but wouldn't you be like yeah that's nice but what happened to Cynthia and my son Billy replaceable they're all replaceable yeah I'll be mad they're in heaven now they're happy imagine if you get to heaven and God speaks with a transatlantic accent hey we've been waiting for you are you a duke em ups I'm a duke em ups I remember you hiups. I remember you.
Hi, God. Anyway.
Welcome to the Parley Gates. What are some other Bible stories? Well, you know about, you know.
Tell me about. Well, what about like.
Well, Noah's Ark wouldn't fly now because he's got two of every animal, but he would have to get trans animals too. Can I say that? Mm-hmm.
Because you can't, right? The thing that tripped me up about Noah's Ark is that- No, no. Cut that out.
Don't cut it out. No, no.
Because Noah got two of every animal. It's too much.
It's too much. Too many genders.
Yeah. He couldn't do it.
At least it's a small bow. He needed double-decker.
Yeah. No, it was a double-decker bow.
A triple triple-decker. Here's another thought that I had, though, right? Let me ask you something.
So Noah brings all these animals, right? A pair. But then no two Chinese guys? A Chinese couple? No.
It's just white people, then? What do you mean? I mean, think about that, right? It was just him on a boat with animals. I know, white guy on a boat.
And some of his family. But fuck the black people and the Chinese and the Mexicans.
So they had to start over? There wasn't Chinese and Mexicans there. There was no Chinese and Mexicans in the Bible back in then.
Dude, you're talking about this is in the fucking Middle East. It's in the fucking Middle East.
Why would the Chinese be in the Middle East? That's my? Really? So there are certain fucking animals that are... Pandas.
You think pandas are on the Middle East? But they had two of those. No, they didn't.
They said two of all animals. That's not in the song.
They did say two of every animal. Yeah, they said two of every animal.
So we know it's a lie. Sloth from Papua New Guinea.
But do you think about that? No, because it's all fucking bullshit.

No, it's real, dude.

No, I had a fucking boat with animals.

It's fucking insane.

And where the fuck the unicorns go?

Exactly, dude.

Yeah, it was bullshit.

Oh, maybe they didn't make it on.

That's why we don't have them today.

Oh, they didn't make it on.

But everybody else made it on.

Crickets made it on.

Crickets made it on. Yeah.

Flies.

Centaurs, minotaurs, and mermaids. They didn't make it on.
Why didn't they make it on? Well crickets made it on flies yeah centaurs minotaurs

and mermaids

they didn't make it on

why didn't they make it on

well mermaids can swim

yeah but they could

they didn't want to take a break

they didn't want to hang on the dock

exactly

I guess

let me tell you

yeah

there's no fucking way

that guy had every animal

that's impossible

there he is again

that's a woman

so yeah you're right

so what

but here's

what's up dude

my point is this

Thank you. impossible.
There he is again. That's a woman.
Yeah, you're right. What's up, dude? My point is this.

Okay.

What is it? Look at him. What is it?

Something alligators and long

neck geese. Two Humpty back camels

and some chimpanzees.

Some boats and running

all the way. What song are you singing?

But you don't want to see no dinosaur. That's in Noah's Ark.
Do you know that song? I know it in Spanish. What is in Spanish? Estaba el cocodrilo y el orangután, dos pequeñas serpientes y el águila real.
It's the same rhythm. Yeah.
It's the same song. Two alligators and long neckies, some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants and sure as you're born.
I've got no dinosaur. Some shit like that.
Yeah, because they were pretending like he fucking forgot the dinosaurs. Yeah, it's not real.
Scam. You're right.
Scam. I just thought about it.
Big Bang, baby. Big Bang guy over here.
Right. You're Big Bang? 100%.
Bing Bang Boom.

I'm a dinosaur guy.

Yeah, Big Bang.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, we believe that they took him out.

I'm a dinosaur guy.

Are you a dinosaur guy?

Jesus created the dinosaurs.

Boo.

Boo.

Not true, not true.

Take a walk.

Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

What?

I don't believe in any of it.

Yeah, me either.

You do believe in dinosaurs, though.

100%.

Fuck me.

Well, some people do believe that people buried the bones to disprove Christianity. That's a theory, right? Satan went all around the world and fucking planted dinosaur bones to confuse everyone.
Can you imagine if Satan was getting frustrated when people were... He's like, don't bury it there.
He just buried his skull there. That's not going to make sense.
He's like, that's it. You're going to hell.
He's so demanding. We're trying our best.
I know. Satan's a dick.
He's a dick. I'm trying my best, Satan.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
Does Satan have a son? Yeah. Yeah.
Because Jesus is God's son. He's right here.
Oh no. Isn't Damien Satan's son? Yes, Damien.
Damien. Damien is...
You never saw Omen? No. You never saw that? Dude, Omen's the best movie.
Damien is the son of Satan. Yeah, Damien is...
We're going to watch it tonight. Omen's so far scary.
I think Omen's so scary. It is very scary.
Scarier than Heretic Eye? You wouldn't find it scarier now. I recently saw it like six months ago.
Really? Omen, yeah.

Are they still scary?

The first two, pretty scary.

Yeah.

I feel like now with technology, when I see older, scarier movies, I'm like, eh.

But here's the scary part in the Omen movies.

They go back to like some sort of ancient site, archaeology site, and they dig through this tomb, and they see a painting of damien in there no yeah pretty scary shit man yeah but okay but think about it like this whenever we saw like hieroglyphics and paintings and stuff like that from a long time ago so many times yeah why are they doing this they didn't know how to draw arms yet oh really they couldn't put them down by their Yeah. They just always get them up yeah uh what it makes me laugh is like you think about how intoxicated were some of these people when they were doing this what do you mean when they were making some of these like crazy drawings like you go back like natives like a lot of native stuff like that they're they're on fucking they're on peyote or mushrooms or ayahuasca's and yeah you.
So a lot of these visions, was it because of the intoxicants? Yeah, because I've seen some of my notes during some of my visions. That's what I'm saying.
When I trip and I'm like, this could go on a wall somewhere. Right.
But it don't make no sense. Also, they're similar in many caves.
There wasn't like a Basquiat heroin guy that did his own thing. There had been, but there's probably- And then no no that's not good not good yeah yeah and he's like well well yeah the poppy seed guy poppy seed the poppy seed guy god the heroin back then must have been so good I think it's probably better today yeah but if you could figure that out back then if you're the first guy to do it yeah you see it what see a poppy seed? Yeah, a poppy seed field.
How did they figure that out? They look at it? How did they turn it into heroin? There's probably one guy that smoked everything. Like an oak tree.
He's like, my throat hurts. Someone had to try all of them.
But they tried everything. And he got fucking lit up on that shit.
A poppy seed. And then imagine the first guy that was like, we should put it in my blood.
Right. Like put it right inside of my blood.
And they're like, Nathaniel, that's not gonna work. I don't want to smoke it.
I don't want to eat it. Yeah, yeah.
Throw it in my fucking blood. Wow.
I'm sure someone tried to stab themselves in the heart with it one time. Wow.
For sure. Oh my God.
The first heroin. The first heroin.
Dude. Or imagine the first time the first guy that sniffed cocaine.
Because I bet they would eat it, taste it, touch it. Yeah, who made it into powder form? That guy must have been fucking genius.
Yeah. We're like, yeah, that's the jam.
You imagine, you know how like, you know when you first start masturbating when you're a kid and you're not really talking to your friends yet about it. You know, like everyone's kind of keeping a secret.
No, no, I'm saying, and then you slowly start to speak to each other about it. Right? But when you first do it, it's kind of like's kind of like you don't talk so imagine imagine the first couple guys that were doing cocaine and then they all get together and one guy's like so how's it been he's like dude it's been amazing my nose is a little bit and then one guy's been sticking it in his ass and he's like wait you guys are in your nose like yeah what do you put it he's like I just I jam it right at my ass yeah my asshole yeah just coke.
You guys are in your nose? Right. Yeah, it goes to your brain.
Yeah, but your assholes. Yeah, I guess I'll try the nose.
You know when you and your friends start jerking off and you start to kind of clue each other into shit when you're like, you don't start, you never talked about it with your friends? Here's the thing about masturbating as a kid. May I say I never thought it was embarrassing but all the kids like I remember saying to my friend fucking Craig yeah I masturbate and he's like why do you do that I don't masturbate I get real girls I go yeah but it feels good yeah I never felt like that do you guys notice that when kids didn't admit it guy kids well there was always a couple of guys in my group that were like, no, I don't really do that.
And it's like, really? Yeah, it feels so good. I can't stop.
Yeah, I know. At one point, I was like three, four times a day.
Yeah. When you're 15 and you're just like, you cannot stop.
You cannot stop. You guys don't ever have that feeling, do you? Like, do young girls need, like, is there, were there ever a day flicking the bean like two, three times a day? No, I think, like, I think what I did, a lot of women do, is like, you're masturbating before you know it's masturbating.
Because you're rubbing up against stuff. Yeah.
Like, fruit or vegetables in there, or no? No, no. Oh, they're rubbing stuff.
Like pillows, you'd rub pillows. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would stick, if I was a girl, hot dog, I don't give a fuck. A cucumber, I don't give a fuck.
But that's why God made you a guy.

You would eat it afterwards too.

He feels you out

and he's like,

this guy's gonna shove

too much shit in his pussy.

Yeah.

Make him a guy.

I'd have like lamp fixtures in there.

Like everything.

I would try everything.

Where did you often jerk off?

Was it always in your room at night?

Bathtub.

Bathtub guy.

Still me too.

You're still today?

I love it. Love in the shower.
You know what I do? Yeah. I get on my knees.
When the faucet comes down. Yeah.
I sit like. You get on your knees and masturbate to God? I'm like this, right? I'm like prayer for it.
And the faucet's going down. And with the water coming down.
Have you tried that? Have the water pour on your penis? I like it. Strong water.
Ow. Ow.
No, no, no, no. Lukewarm.
And then sometimes I do freehand. Where's the water hitting? I do freehand and the water hits my dick.
Are you sure you don't have a vagina? That sounds like you have a vagina. No, no, no.
And then sometimes I can come that way. Where is the water hitting? Right on the head.
On my foot. Yeah, my fucking dick, man.
Don't make it sound like I'm weird. You're having fucking rushing water off a spout.
It hit you on the penis? What do you think it's gonna fucking hit, man? Well, that doesn't feel good. You haven't tried it, man.
You're fucking the water, so you're fucking the water. Yeah, man.
That's nuts. It's nuts, dude.
My nuts sometimes do. I do nuts sometimes.
No, you've never tried that? No, no one has. You guys have never done that? No.
You fucked a water spout? Well, there's a whole room of college students who are gonna go do that that. I'm never taking you to a waterfall.
You want to hear a deep cut? You want to hear a deep cut, man? Yeah. Right? Fucking the fucking jacuzzi.
Have you done that? Put my penis in it? Yeah, I take my dick out, stick it on the fucking jacuzzi. So strong though current.
And I just do this like this. Doesn't water get in the tip? Yeah, man.
That's how you clean it.

No. No, thank you.

That also, both of those sound like things women do.

Yeah, exactly.

You put your little clit up against them.

See, when I share things, man,

sometimes, man, I want some support, man.

Do you use a... I support you.
I'm vulnerable, man. No, but you can't

want support and then also

ask if that's what we do. We don't do that,

but I support you for doing it, but it's

fucking strange. Share things about myself,

Now, let's go. I'm vulnerable, man.
No, but you can't want support and then also ask if that's what we do. We don't do that,

but I support you for doing it,

but it's fucking strange.

Share things about myself, man.

I get fucking ridiculed, man.

That's not true.

You're fine.

I support you. That's all, though.

I support you.

I thought it was great,

what you just told us.

Yeah?

Do you use a vibrator?

I'm serious.

What do you mean by that? Do you use a vibrator? I've used things that vibrate, yeah. Alright.
Now we can move on. It's fucking strange, man.
How much have you liked the East Coast now? You know, I'll be honest with you. It's blowing my mind.
It's beautiful over here. Yeah, because I didn't know much about it.

You thought Jersey was people.

Last night he said, I never played Jersey.

I thought it was just guys like the Jersey Shore.

The only thing I knew about Jersey is through Sopranos and Jersey Shore.

So I'm like, this is not my audience.

Well, that exists.

Yeah, but my point is that every gig that I would get offered in Jersey,

I would say, I'm not playing there. Because you thought Tony Soprano would show up.
Or Philly or any of those East Coast places. Maine? I've never been to Maine.
Have you? No, but Maine is not. We're not going to Maine.
Oh, but they have people there, right? Like a 30. Okay.
There's like 40 people in Maine. Bob Marley created a fucking career up there.
Bob Marley's the king of up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bob Marley, people I don't know, we're talking about the stand-up comedian. Yeah, but you know, this tour's been great because I've been exploring places that I thought, you know, you think things are one way, but they're not.
Yeah. Like the South.
We love the South. Yeah, they accepted me.
How much fun do we have in Nashville? I loved it. So fun.
That was a fun night. And so, you know, this whole thing.
Raleigh you loved. You loved Raleigh.
I loved Raleigh. So, you know, I've been having a really good experience, man, you know, and it's kind of built my self-esteem up a little bit.
Are you about to say thank you to me? Yeah. Go on.
I want to thank you, man. Because I'm a big fan of yours.
No, without me, we wouldn't be doing this because you didn't want to tour some of those cities. And I said you should.
You'll love it. I was going to go even back, but further.
Go back. I'm a big fan of yours.
Thanks, man. And when you asked me to do this podcast, I was like winning a lottery.
Thank you, man. Is that the face you make when you rub your clit on the faucet yeah stop you know what you could be sweet and be honest but you can't get vulnerable no because you're making a face you do that same face you do Steve does the exact same face my brother yeah same one yeah because we don't feel anything I know you need to learn to feel feeling's important I feel nothing right now nothing well I feel hungry Well, I feel hungry.
Is that a feeling? That is definitely a feeling. Where we eat, right? Yeah, my stomach's grumbling.
Let me say this. What is it? Beef jerky.
Beef jerky. That's his nickname on campus.
Here comes beef jerky. This campus, no offense to Quinnipiac whatsoever.
We appreciate you having us. This looks like a place.
It looks boring. It looks beautiful, but it looks boring.
I don't know what you would do out here in the woods. You study.
This is a university. Oh, fuck you.
Fancy shit. Shut the fuck up, man.
Loser. Loser.
You study. This is a university.
He says that because he's working. You know, by the way, he's getting a check from them.
You know, he probably got paid for us to come here and do this. Right.
You know, they've got their symbol up. You know what? You're a fucking liar.
How? There's no going to be no kids here. And there was 35 when we started the show.
Fucking lie, dude. I don't like it.
Okay. I don't know how many times I have to fucking tell you I don't like it.
Okay? Because the thing is we do stand up, right? So we have to do, you know, there's a certain rhythm and a way to do a language that is for live. I don't want to do that for podcasting.
It's so different. Yeah, because it's like a lot of this will cut out.
You know, I want to be able

to just kind of say things

without waiting for a laugh.

That's why I don't like

doing it with an audience.

But we do want to...

But you don't fucking get it, man.

We thank Fancy

for putting this together.

Very good job.

Thank you.

Thank you, Fancy.

So grateful for you.

And thank you for Quinnipiac.

And thank you for being a bad friend.

That's great.

Well, you know,

we're going to give it a go. Also, thank you- What? I'm going to say whatever I want to say.
You're not going to put me down here. There it is, dude.
I want to talk about, what are we talking about? Trans. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you feel about it? Yeah.
Right. Where? Where? What does it say? What does it say? Congress? Yeah, you can't stop religion in words.
It's got sort of a Hogwarts vibe, too, kind of like that. That's pretty cool.
You guys go to school here? Yeah. You like it? Yeah.
How's your Quidditch team? Are you guys good? Yeah. What's your record? It's okay.
It's Ravenclaw. Raise your hand if you're Ravenclaw.
Let's go down and listen. Pick these in what house? What are you The yellow one, Hufflepuff.
Careful, careful. She's a Ravenclaw.
Slytherin, Slytherin, he's a Slytherin, he's a Slytherin. What are you? She's a Hufflepuff.
You're a fucking evil. She's a Hufflepuff.
How about you, Billy Joel? Didn't make it. I never watched it.
Didn't make it, yeah. You don't know any of the houses.
He's got kicked out of all of them. The one on the stairs? I know about that.
The one on the stairs? Is that what you just said? That's where Harry Potter is, right? That's Harry Potter. I'm going to fart on him, dude.
Go do it, bud. Go do it.
Go fart on him if you need to. He'll take me.
No, my farts are so rancid today. Oh my God.
Yeah, it's been bad. Dude, can I fart right now? Not by me, please.
How about you, man? I genuinely have no idea. What do you watch, man? You don't like fantasies? Oh, I watch a lot, yeah.
A lot of fantasies? What fantasies do you watch? What fantasy movies do you watch? Are you talking about like... Yeah, space, sci-fi, you know what I mean?

Nothing.

Nothing.

You're full of shit.

Too much, but I can't remember.

Anyway, let's go.

Duck Hunter.

Where we're doing sci-fi or The Gryffindor.

Well, just any kind of movie.

What are we doing here?

Let's start.

I think we've done a lot of work. I think we've started.

Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends.

I'm your host.

See, so it's going to turn out.

I'm your host, Bobby Lee. We have another guy here, Andrew Santino.
We're like, wham. Why would you introduce it like that? I'm sorry.
I'm your host. You're not the host.
We're both hosts. Yeah, I'm one of your hosts.
Can I start over? Start with it again. Hello.
Bonjour. Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends.
That's the name? Yeah. I'm Bobby.
I'm one of the people on the show. Andrew Santino, he is also another person on the show.
We've got this little one right here, which is great. And we'll talk about the future and the state of our country.
What are we talking about? How's it going? I don't think trickle-down economics works. You know what I mean? I think that...
You want to talk about economics? I think the rich hoard the money, and it doesn't trickle down. What do you guys think? And I just think that...
I'm so thinking... You are the rich, Bobby.
Yeah, you are the 1%. Yeah.
Particularly to these kids. You know, it's funny.

Whenever I eat eggs...

Tell them to give everyone $100.

Give everybody $100.

I'll give everyone $100.

But whenever I eat eggs, hard-boiled eggs,

for days my farts smell so rancid.

Do you think maybe it's time to stop eating hard-boiled eggs?

But it's so good for my body, I think.

It sure is.

Well, it doesn't seem like it is.

I think logically it seems like eggs are good for you, but I don't think they're good for you

personally. Yeah.
Because some things are bad for some people. But how have my farts been? Are they

intense? Oh, yeah, yeah. Pungent, right? Powerful.
The windows in the car rolled themselves down on the way here.

We didn't even touch them. Yeah.
And then... A beautiful drive-thru, Connecticut.
Beautiful, beautiful.

Connecticut's a great state. It's so good.
It's very pretty. Raise your hand if you're from Connecticut.
What part of Connecticut are you from? Stanford. Stanford, beautiful.
We went, yeah, Stanford's not too far away. Why didn't you go to that college? No, no, that's Stanford.
Stanford. Stanford.
Stanford University. Stanford is in Northern California.
Stanford. Oh, I don't know.
Is there a college there? No, there's UConn. University of Connecticut.
It's a good one, right? We'll be right back. About Connecticut? Does Quinnipiac have one? I don't know.
Do you guys have a football team? No. What teams do you have? You just won the hockey championship? You don't get to throw that out there like that.
Are they mic'd? Because I don't even hear them even. No, but it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
This is going to go in the trash. We're not going to use it.

It's never going to work.

What hockey championship, what class are you guys?

D1.

You won the Division I NCAA National Championship. You beat out Minnesota.

You beat out Michigan.

Yes.

You beat out all those guys.

What do you have anything to do with that?

You did the plays?

You did the plays?

Yeah, yeah. All right.
The plays? I'm the brain. Who did you guys beat in the national championship? Minnesota.
You beat Minnesota, you beat Michigan, you beat all these guys. Yes.
For the national championship. This is a D1 school.
Yes, it is. This is nuts.
It's nuts, right? I can't believe it. I actually don't believe it.
I don't want to believe it either. I don't believe it either.
But I do like it. Our team was just at the White House about it.
Wait, wait, stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't know if you ever heard of the White House. Did you go? Have you been to the White House? I have.
Why have you gone to the White House, lady? I love D.C. It's my favorite city.
Oh, you didn't go in it. You got near it.
Yeah. Well, you didn't go to the White House.
You went near the White House. You got to read.
Yeah. I do.
Like what? Like political communication. Amazing.
No, that's why she said she was Slytherin. You could tell she's up to no good.
So you want to work in the bowels of hell of the United States. Yes.
You believe in our government. I trust our government.
You trust our government. You really trust it? My God.
Can I ask you a personal question? The future is flawed. What do you mean, right or left, P-Wheel? I'm a registered Democrat.
You are? Yes. Fuck yeah, man.
Yeah, but that's what Trump said. I know.
So there's not a lot of truth in it. Do you ever see the show West Wing? I've been told I should watch it.
One of the best shows ever. Okay.
The first four seasons are a masterpiece. What would your endgame be in politics? Like, the dream, dream job would be, like, White House press secretary, like the new Jen Psaki.
Whoa. You'd want to be a press secretary.
You'd want to handle probing questions. Do you have a clean background, a clean record? Mostly.
Where are you from? Massachusetts. What part of Massachusetts? Central South near Worcester.
Yeah, outside of Worcester. What does mom and dad do? My dad, I was actually raised by stay-at-home dad, and my mom's a breadwinner.
What does she do? She does like insurance sales. That's a good question.
Because if your dad ever was cucking, you know they'll find that if you go to be a press secretary. I don't know if you know her.

Her dad was a cuck.

He'll light you up.

That guy will light you up.

You could be an ankle model.

Thank you.

You're awesome.

I don't know.

Like socks and stuff.

What?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

So you want to be the White House press secretary.

Good luck.