Transatlantic Goo

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody!

Speaker 1 We're on tour in the fall! We added some dates. It's gonna be great.
September 14th, we're at Rochester. Rochester, New York.
15th, we're in Northfield, Ohio.

Speaker 1 September 16th. Two shows.
Munhall. Munhall, Pennsylvania.
We sold out the first one. The second one is added in Munhall.
Then October 6th, where are we? Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 Then October 21st, we go to Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 Go see. Go see Biden.
And then we have October 28th, we go to Denver, Colorado.

Speaker 1 And then November 24th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
November 25th, Chicago. We go to Milwaukee and then Chicago.
November 20th, Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Speaker 1 November 30th is Minneapolis, Minnesota. December 1st.
Madison, Wisconsin. More dates to come.
Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 1 Also.

Speaker 2 And thanks to you guys, I'm going on my own tour. That's tour.
Two shows in the biggest cities in America. Irvine on July 12th and Bakersfield on July 15th.
Where can they get the tickets?

Speaker 2 Tell Tell them. My website, jetskyjohnson.com.

Speaker 1 Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Hi, Kunipiak University.
Hi, it's Fancy B. Can I do the podcast from this school? Yeah, sure, Fancy.
What do you need? I need it to look as awkward as possible

Speaker 1 without any of the normal accoutrements of podcasts. No microphone, no headphone.

Speaker 1 I want them to be sitting as if it's a live 60-minute special.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, we can definitely find the worst environment. This is awful.
It's the worst environment you can do apart from. There's no chance this is going to turn out good.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. Welcome to another Madam Zambo.

Speaker 1 Welcome. Listen, listen.
I have a question. Yeah, please.
So

Speaker 1 I didn't grow up around trees.

Speaker 1 A lot of woods, right? So let me ask you a question, dude. All right.

Speaker 1 You know, you watch a movie when somebody gets knocked out and then they end up in a warehouse or in the middle of the woods, they're tied. What is the first thing they say when they wake up? Hello.

Speaker 1 Why do they ask that?

Speaker 1 Hello? Yeah, they go, hello. Didn't we talk about that already? We did? Yes.

Speaker 1 A full episode on hello.

Speaker 1 You want to start again? Yeah, let me start again.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Start again.
Are you like me when you listen to a song like Lionel Ritchie or Adele and they say hello? And they say hello, do you say hello back? I always do. Hello? I always go.
Hello.

Speaker 1 Hello. Anyway, that's all I want to do.
I want to start off that way. And we've never talked about that before.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you know what, Lionel Nitchie, man? Lionel Mitchie? Yeah, Lionel Mitchie.
What did he do? His face is out of control. Why? It's just so Lionel Richie-ish.

Speaker 1 Right, it's uniquely his. It's just like, so, and also

Speaker 1 he's got the fucking cosmetics to surgery, so now he's looking like a black Benedict Cumberpatch. Cumber patch? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why does Benedict Cumberpatch look like he had facial plastic surgery all the time? He did. He was in a tragic accident when he was seven years old.
Doctor Strange, he did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was in the car accident. They had to fix him.
Yeah. You remember? I do.
Here we are in Quinnipiac University, home of men's NCAA Division I hockey championships this year. They beat Minnesota.

Speaker 1 They sure did beat Minnesota. The longtime most winningest hockey championship are, of course, Michigan.
I don't like the sport. I don't care about the college sport.

Speaker 1 Of course, Denver and Michigan hold the reigning nine titles apiece, I believe.

Speaker 1 And Quinnipiak University men's NCAA Division I hockey champs of this year, and they've hosted us at their college. Thanks to Fancy B.
Thank you, Fancy B, for having us.

Speaker 1 Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are in the midst of a wooded area that we drove through today in Connecticut.
It's called the Sleeping Giant Hill Woods. State Park.
Sleeping Giant State Park.

Speaker 1 You think your people live in the forest? No, but if you were lost in the forest,

Speaker 1 if you saw a naked Bobby Lee, there

Speaker 1 peek around a fucking oak tree.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'd be like, hey, Paraquilabo.

Speaker 1 Right? You'd be like, fuck, he lives here. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that the language you speak?

Speaker 1 Somebody said that we seem like we have our own language. Do you think we could communicate without using English? Let's try.
Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah. Ready? Ready?

Speaker 1 So we're in an elevator? I need them to know the environment. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I How do I interview? I'm interviewing you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm, and, and I'll tell you what, the factory, it's a factory.
Yeah, for what? Felt. Oh, felt factory.
For Muppets and stuff. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. For puppets.
For puppets and stuff.

Speaker 1 Puppets and Muppets. Yeah, but we're in

Speaker 1 an island

Speaker 1 off of Thailand.

Speaker 1 Off the coast of Tunisia. Gonk.
Oh, Gonk Island. Yeah, Gonk Island.
Got it. Right?

Speaker 1 I replaced the N with another O.

Speaker 1 Right? That's how crafty I am. I like it.
But if you put the O in the replace of the N, it'll sound something different. What is it?

Speaker 1 Exactly. So, Brook Island.
So a different felt factory, ready?

Speaker 1 Para corno.

Speaker 1 Si, ale campodo, vozo. Libado pop popo.

Speaker 1 Paracalino valo.

Speaker 1 Pancala spelimam pompino. So

Speaker 1 papino. Yep.
Papino, papino. Yep.
Calina.

Speaker 1 Slow.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Popo, popo, popo, popo, popo. Pop, pop.

Speaker 1 What happened in that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You said, hi, I'm here to interview you for the job, and you said, do you have any experience? And you said, yes, I have tons of experience with Muppets. And you said, do you finger the Muppets?

Speaker 1 And then you acted out a whole lot of people.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what it was. And then when I brought it to you, what were you thinking?

Speaker 2 And you were like, Who's that? And you're like, I don't know. And I'm also thinking, I don't know who I am in this sketch either.
I was never introduced.

Speaker 1 I did a swipe. So, what was the swipe about?

Speaker 2 I would swipe off or her on Tinder. I don't know which way is way.
Exactly. You would say no to her.
I'm no.

Speaker 1 She looks

Speaker 1 R-worded. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Slow. She's very slow.
And we made fun of your breasts. And my breasts are funny.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's not. I didn't, that's not what I was doing.

Speaker 2 I thought you were saying they were really fun. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I mean. No, I thought this meant like jacket.
Like jacket, jacket. Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, it was boobs.

Speaker 1 What it was.

Speaker 1 In our language, he's either boobs or poncho. Yeah, yeah, poncho, poncho, poncho.
Poncho. Oh, that's what it was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should run a poncho.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So let me ask. Yeah.
Did he get the job?

Speaker 1 He owns a factory. Oh, my bad.
Wait, you just gave it to me like that? I was CAO, CEO, and I was like, no, he's better. He's got to have it.
Yeah, and you and I, right? We die.

Speaker 1 We die, dude. That makes sense.
Who dies first?

Speaker 1 She dies.

Speaker 1 Dude, in any scenario, she dies first.

Speaker 2 I jump to catch a bullet, but it goes through me and kills him anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we go right through you. Yeah.
No, you've gone to the gym a lot lately, so you might be tough. That muscle might be thick.

Speaker 2 I just started going to the gym, but thank you.

Speaker 1 Let me see your muscle. Show me your arm.
My arm muscle? Look at that thing. Something in there.
Jacked.

Speaker 1 We're all going to the gym. I think you should join.
You said you were going to.

Speaker 1 I love to. Let me ask you another question.
May I ask a question? I love you. I love you.
I love you. Diversion.
Diverge. I love to.
Let me ask you something. If we were in a war,

Speaker 1 I got shot and the bullet went through my body and hit you, would you die too? Or would the bullet be not as potent? I think you have enough padding to slow it down.

Speaker 1 I think if it went through me. Just say fat.
Just say fat. No, I said padding.
I think if it went through me, it would kill you immediately. If it went through me.
Right.

Speaker 1 But you've got way more cushion for the pushing. Would you think you would live and I would die?

Speaker 1 If the bullet went through you and hit me? No,

Speaker 1 if it went through me, I'd die.

Speaker 1 I would die and you'd be severely impaired. Right.
I feel like it would bounce off my body, though.

Speaker 1 No? It's going to go right through that thing. Okay.
It's soft. Right.
Like, it looks like it's a tough exterior, but then you can get through it real easy. Like Play-Doh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you rather get shot or got hacked to dead with a machete?

Speaker 1 Shot immediately. Kill me immediately.
Machete. You want to get stabbed slowly?

Speaker 1 I like the drama.

Speaker 1 And I like, I want to show my acting tops.

Speaker 1 You're not going to be acting.

Speaker 1 That's going to be reeling.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's method acting. Oh, that's deep.
Yeah. So you're going to slowly die? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I probably need a couple of takes.

Speaker 1 I would need a couple of takes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just thought about that. Yeah.
And slice me again, I would say.

Speaker 1 Do it again because I wasn't in the moment. Go ahead.
I'm bleeding now already.

Speaker 1 I have to fart. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Let me make you mad. No.
I have egg farts today. I know.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 That's a good defense, though, if you're getting hacked up.

Speaker 1 farting? Yeah. Yeah? Like

Speaker 1 squids put out that black

Speaker 1 ink.

Speaker 1 I do egg fogs. Korean farting.
Yellow fog. Yellow fog.
Just

Speaker 1 wow. And all the prep.
Look at this person going for a run into the hidden forest. And look at those shorts he's wearing.
Good luck, though. You go out there.

Speaker 1 You go out there to where the sleeping giant is. Dude, let me just say something right now.
You white people, you guys really do live this life. I just saw it.
What do you mean? Taking a run? No?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he doesn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm going to wear these shorts. I'm free.
That's a good one. I'm going to go to the woods.
It is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wasn't going to say it. It's a lady.
Yeah, it's a lady. She's hot.

Speaker 1 What do you mean white people live this life? What's this life? Taking a run? Going for a run? It's not just that. Look at the trees.
Right. You're frolicking.
That's not even fucking running.

Speaker 1 That's frolicking.

Speaker 1 You never frolick. That's a skip.
No, we don't do that, man.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Yes, you do. What do you mean? You think Asians don't go for a run? You think when we're on a rickshaw, we frolick? No, we run.
Skip. No, we don't skip.
You never skip. Dude,

Speaker 1 as a fucking rickshaw runner, I'm going to try to get as fast as you can to your destination so I can make more money. More tips.
Yeah. If I get fast, I brought you the Shanghai Hyatt, right?

Speaker 1 And you're staying at the Hyatt? Oh, yeah, four seasons. Thank you.
Shanghai four seasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll go, hey, buddy, get on. And I'll go, hey, man.
You did a great job.

Speaker 1 It was 20. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I would get you to... You'd get me to my destination.

Speaker 1 I think you'd do a great job, but I do think you could live this life. I know you say that, but you could live this life.
With the white people? I think you could eat.

Speaker 1 You've grown up amongst whites. You act like you're white.
I'm white adjacent. I'm Wayowa.
I'm white adjacent. No, I think you're white in.
You're in white. You know, dude, I feel white.

Speaker 1 You're off-white.

Speaker 1 Your Virgil Ablo's off-white. Because you know I'm white.
You're egg white. You're egg white.

Speaker 1 No, no, he's the yolk. I'm the yolk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm the egg white.

Speaker 1 You're the yolk.

Speaker 1 In the breakfast sandwich of Bad Friends, I'm the egg white. He's the yolk.
You're the English muffin.

Speaker 2 I'm the muffin.

Speaker 1 You're the muffin for sure. But I'm the fattening part.
That's right. Hell yeah.
That's why you're the yolk. I get it.
You're all the cholesterol.

Speaker 2 Fats flavor, baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, you're the English muffin.
You're dry.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But I hold everything together.

Speaker 1 Yes, you do. And you have many crevasses.
You have little nooks and crannies. Give us your best British accent right now.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's so bad.

Speaker 1 Do it again.

Speaker 2 What you mean? You didn't like it the first time?

Speaker 1 It's so fucking bad.

Speaker 1 I like it.

Speaker 1 Tell me in your best British accent that your grocery store list. Like you're reading me off your grocery store.
Oh, right. All right.

Speaker 2 Let's see what we got here. I need

Speaker 2 some potatoes. Potatoes.
Let her do it.

Speaker 1 Let her do it.

Speaker 2 Aspira girls.

Speaker 1 Why do you pick that one? Aspergers? She said Aspyers Burgers. Aspergers.
We don't sell that here. Aspergers.
Yeah, you're the store manager. Bonjour.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do. They do.
Hello, Alav.

Speaker 2 Hello, Aloha.

Speaker 1 Are you looking for Asperger's?

Speaker 2 Yes, you have Asperger's here.

Speaker 1 Asperger's is an internal disease, right?

Speaker 1 No, or an affliction.

Speaker 2 The one that makes your piss smell.

Speaker 1 Oh, we have got that

Speaker 1 in the

Speaker 1 veggie aisle. All right, all right.
All right, all right. You know, it's so great.
We're at a, this is like a film school. Yeah.
We're fired. Imagine how little these kids are learning from us.

Speaker 1 They're listening to this, being like, this can't be good. This is not what we should be knowing.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this. I think that sounded good.

Speaker 1 The English come over here, right? And then through time, we came up with our own accent. What the fuck happened? How come we don't talk like this now?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, transatlantic became an accent when they were crossing over the ocean because so many people were blending their accents together.

Speaker 1 And then what happened is when you move to different sections. Transatlantic, so they're binary too, huh? The oceans.
Non-binary. Non-binary.
They're not binary. The oceans are non-binary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, have you ever seen. The oceans are getting involved.
Well, the Pacific Ocean does. So if I call an ocean a lake, they're like, maybe.

Speaker 1 I can be whatever I want.

Speaker 1 So an ocean can be a river. Is that what they're saying? It can now.

Speaker 2 I don't like that. It's just a body.
It's too far.

Speaker 1 A body of water. It's too far for me.
What's next? You're going to take away river rights? Yeah, but if I'm looking at the ocean, I'm going, hey, Pacific,

Speaker 1 you're an ocean. They're like, I'm a puddle.
Then in my mind, I'd be like, I don't think you are, man. Yeah, but I am.
I'm the Pacific Ocean, and I'll be whatever I want to be. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm not even water anymore. How about that?

Speaker 1 I'm land. You have to land.
And land is water. Whoa.
That's intense. So nothing makes sense anymore.
Correct. Nothing means anything.
So transatlantic. I'm transatlantic.

Speaker 1 Do you know what the transatlantic accent was? Do you know what I'm referring to? No.

Speaker 1 When you hear this very like astute, debonair type of talk, when everyone went up,

Speaker 1 that was a transatlantic accent. It was like a, during the course of people coming over, accents were merged and forged together.
So it kind of sounded like this, like TV talk a little bit.

Speaker 1 Old timey Hollywood, yeah, exactly right. Yeah, transatlantic had very much of this, a very astute and

Speaker 1 transatlantic.

Speaker 1 Nobody sounded like that in England. Oh, I talk like this.

Speaker 1 I talk like this now. Get your payback.
Pay the pair.

Speaker 1 But then that stuff all dissipated, and people started to move away. Duke them up.
Duke them up. Pick them up.
Show me what you guys. Well, show me your dukes.
Show me your dukes or put them up.

Speaker 1 It's not duke them up.

Speaker 1 I say, duke them up. Duke them up.
Duke them up. I see.
I say, duke them up.

Speaker 1 Put out some Billy Holidays. So here, come up.
You land on Ellis Island. Yeah.
Right? Where's the first place you're moving to? Ellis Island.

Speaker 1 Well, you can't move here, man. This is the port, so you got to pick a place.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll move to

Speaker 1 Maine.

Speaker 1 Maine?

Speaker 1 What part of Maine? Portsmouth. Portsmouth, Maine.
Is there a Portsmouth, Maine? There sure is. Is there really? So you came all the way here from China, yeah? Yes, I have.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 what's your trade? My trade? Yeah. Dynamite.
So you just have... you make dynamite.
Well, at first, my friend.

Speaker 1 At first, my friend, I was going to work on the railroad. That's it.
I have a movie. This is it.
Yeah, I was going to win the railroad, but I was

Speaker 1 a transatlantic Chinese guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I found out that the Chinese were blowing up. So I decided I'm going to move to Portsmouth.
And I'll tell you, my buddy friend, Duke him up. Duke him up.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to work in the lobster trade. Oh, smart.
And clams and mussels and other crustaceans. Sounds like you got your whole life patterned out.
Does anybody want a paper?

Speaker 1 Why are you trying to fight everyone in front of me? Duke them up. Duke them up.
I'm so angry.

Speaker 1 How'd you know I was Chinese?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Is your publication called? You refuse to work on the railroad.
Is your publication called Duke Em Up? Yes. Duke'em Up Papas.
You see?

Speaker 1 And I, you know, you know, you, from where I come from, right, we do, hi-yah, hi-yah. No, I'm now transatlantic.
I do it dook them up.

Speaker 1 Dude, that would be a cool fucking ramen.

Speaker 1 Ramen? What? Let's start a ramen company called Gookam Up.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I would buy ramen that's called Google Muck. He's hungry.
Yeah, you're so hungry. Yeah, that's all it is.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have breakfast or lunch right now.

Speaker 2 He changed his dynamite business. I like it.

Speaker 1 The transatlantic. The transatlantic.
I like this guy. I like this guy.
Welcome to America, kid. Yes.
Thank you. What's my new name? I'm Chang.
No, not anymore. I know, but I will Chang.

Speaker 2 What is my name now? Now your name's Jimmy. See?

Speaker 1 Jimmy. Jimmy.
Jimmy. Post-Chang.
You're post-Chang. I'm Post-Chang.
What's my last name? Your name is Post-Chang. Jimmy Post-Chang.
Jimmy Post Chang. Jimmy Post Chang.
Jimmy Post Chang.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Duke'em Up Post Chang.

Speaker 1 You know the legend of Jimmy Duke'em Up Post Chang, one of the greatest boxers slash crustacean sellers of all time. Hello.

Speaker 1 But you know what sucks about us back in the day? You know, I mean, we were in San Francisco, Asians, right? Yeah. And probably New York and stuff, right?

Speaker 1 Because, you know, the Chinatown and stuff like that. But there was no cross.
Like, do you think back in the day in the 40s or the 30s, I'd be able to get white girls? No.

Speaker 1 yeah, white girls have no rights. No, what

Speaker 1 you still don't?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You know, I have a little more.

Speaker 1 White girls got no rights. White girls got no rights, Matt.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 They gotta vote, and you can marry one easy. No, but he's saying, could he hook up with white girls? They're not gonna hook up.

Speaker 2 No, you'd have to marry one and be able to get away with that.

Speaker 1 I don't think you would even marry him. I think that they would look right through me.

Speaker 2 Not if you were Jimmy Dugama post-changing.

Speaker 1 Jimmy Dugama Post-Chang. Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm Jimmy Dugama Postchang. Everybody knows you.
Oh, fuck. An East and Seaball.

Speaker 1 Sixiest Chinese men of all time.

Speaker 2 Very successful shellfish business.

Speaker 1 Whoa, yeah. I've heard of you.
Are you Jimmy Dugamup Postchang? Yes. I've heard of

Speaker 1 the crustacean business. I have the crustacean business.
Would you like to eat my white muffin?

Speaker 1 Does it taste like mussels?

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Subject attained, churn to ply.

Speaker 1 Do his accent.

Speaker 1 I gotta say it and I'll do it.

Speaker 1 I need to hear it first.

Speaker 1 I'll be back.

Speaker 1 I'll be back. I'll be back.
I'll be back. I'll be back.

Speaker 1 So exhausted. So exhausted.
Can you believe

Speaker 1 all of the years I spent? All the

Speaker 2 fancy? Can you make an anime

Speaker 1 talking about it?

Speaker 1 It's Schwarzenegger if you have a strong. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could do that one. All of the years.
All of the years

Speaker 1 lifting weights. Lifting weights in Austria.

Speaker 1 That's good. Austria.
It's pretty good. Jimmy, Duke of Polypo.
I'll be back.

Speaker 1 Jimmy, Duke him up post-chang. Anyway, so I always think about, like, you know, this is the only time where my people could be here in the last maybe 30 or 40 years.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, be here in Connecticut? No, in America. You've been in America.
I know, I'm just saying. For a long time.

Speaker 1 I mean, in the early, you know, in the 1800s or early 19th century, I wouldn't be able to be here.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't have the life that I have now. I couldn't do stand-up.

Speaker 1 Do you not know about one of the most famous cowboys of all time? No. Jong Wang.
Jong Wayne. Jong Wayne.
Jong Wayne. Oh, I've never heard of him.
Tell me. He came up with.

Speaker 1 He was a famous bank robber. Whoa.
Yeah. That's interesting.
Tell me more about John Wang. John Wang, hands to the sky.

Speaker 1 And he would go Rob Banks. He literally took trains across the west and read Rob Banks.
He was a famous. This is a real guy.
Really? Famous John Wang. You gotta play me to Marma Manner Man.
Jong Wang.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Let me see if I can play him. Yeah.
Stick him up.

Speaker 1 Hands to the sky. Listen here, Wang.
What?

Speaker 1 You've been through these parts before. You think you're going to get away with this? Oh, you trick me.

Speaker 1 I don't have a gun. Oh.
Didn't have a ping gun. Oh, John.
Gotcha. Oh, John.
He's a comedian, too. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was a comedian. He made the bank tellers laugh.
That's how he got their money.

Speaker 1 I've never seen you do an Asian accent.

Speaker 2 And you never will.

Speaker 2 I would love to hear it. I know.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, have you seen this video that's circulated about the howling? Or

Speaker 1 they call it the.

Speaker 1 What is it called? It's called like the... I watched it the other night about...
There's a bunch of sailors that they say.

Speaker 1 The egger? What? The ones with the lobster with the eggs? No, no, no, no. I was kick him out.
I was.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, no.
There's a bunch of... I'm kidding.
Kick him out. But I'm kidding.
No, no, no. There's a bunch of sailors that there's a, there's a theory.
You have to look it up, McCone, about

Speaker 1 getting called into the sea about mermaids.

Speaker 1 Oh, the sirens. The sirens.
The sirens. I knew.
I loved great history and stuff. Do you know about the sirens of the sea? Yeah, I play video games and they sometimes are sirens.
They sing.

Speaker 1 But have you heard it? There's a video that's circulating on the internet now of a guy, of a fisherman out in the sea, and the sirens sound so. But they can do that in post.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. I'm on the boat.
I'm not not gonna do that. This is shot on like a fucking Samsung Galaxy.
Oh, well, then that's real.

Speaker 2 And he just heard the sound?

Speaker 1 He's recording and he's like, listen to this. And he's showing that there's tracers in the water.
And he's like, what is tracing with us? And his buddy is like, you know, nobody knows.

Speaker 1 And then they're hearing the sirens and they start talking about it. And then all the thread below it is about how the sirens was this old myth that

Speaker 1 mermaids would call sailors to jump in. But this used to happen a lot.

Speaker 1 People would kind of lose their orientation and they would jump into the sea, pirates and sailors and stuff, because of the sirens of these maidens from the sea. It made me really believe in mermaids.

Speaker 1 I genuinely think it's real. Can I ask you this? Seriously, do you not believe in mermaids? I don't.
Actually, no.

Speaker 1 Listen to me, though. I'm not saying mermaid in the traditional sense where you see like half woman with that fish body below.
You believe in aliens, but we have no idea what they look like.

Speaker 1 So why wouldn't you believe in like a merging humanistic form that lives under the sea? Because I don't live in space, so I don't know about the aliens. You believe in Earth.

Speaker 1 do you believe in them yeah but because theoretically there's billions of planets out there some of those planets probably can support life but the depth of the ocean the depths of the ocean we we we have no idea we have no clue we know we know less about the ocean than we know about space ah all right

Speaker 1 i mean it's like do you believe in centaurs

Speaker 1 do i believe that they could have existed at one point absolutely really just some dude that looks like jason mamoa from the waist off do you think everyone has looked like you since the beginning of time?

Speaker 1 I hope not. Me neither.

Speaker 1 I know. So you've changed shape and form.
Do I have to? I'm also a deep cut when it comes to humans.

Speaker 1 You're a pretty shallow cut.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 When it comes to humanistic form, I mean, you're kind of like... No, I'm like an original.
Yeah, you're like the beginning stages. Then they carve it up into something more beautiful.

Speaker 1 No, that's not like I'm a slab of fucking concrete or something. No, I know, yeah.
You're like the beginning. No, dude.

Speaker 1 You're like clay. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Look at that little clay ball trying to get get up on the chair.

Speaker 1 When aliens come down here, they're going to look at me and they go, wow, they did it.

Speaker 1 Wow, they finally fucked it up. No, no, the other way.
Well, the other way. Yeah.
Well, wow, they make one of these, too. We have some on our planet.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, we play with them.

Speaker 1 And they live in the bottom of the R ocean.

Speaker 1 So wait. The mermaid in space is you.
I'm a space mermaid. You're a space mermaid.

Speaker 1 To them, you're a mermaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that. Do you really do believe in mermaids?

Speaker 2 100%. What would your siren call? Can I hear your siren call?

Speaker 1 I don't believe in them so i shouldn't you are a mermaid of space what's your siren call in space

Speaker 1 see

Speaker 1 i would i would steer towards

Speaker 1 it in space

Speaker 1 suck it suck it but then some people at the end of the line wait is she saying suck it what is she saying at the end suck it socket yeah there's no sound in space there is sound there is sound

Speaker 1 if he's on a planet Okay. He's on Mars.
Checks out.

Speaker 2 Checks out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, imagine, though, if we continue space.

Speaker 1 What is that?

Speaker 1 What is that?

Speaker 1 Bobby, we have to go towards that space. You know what you know what that sounds like?

Speaker 1 Eat it.

Speaker 1 I absolutely believe in mermaids. Wow.
I believe in something else. There's other life forms underneath the ocean that we have no idea about.
I don't know what it looks like. I believe in Minotaurs.

Speaker 1 Sure. We saw one.
We know one. Who?

Speaker 1 Don't you?

Speaker 1 You don't think that in one time in the world? I wish we could just say whatever we want in life.

Speaker 1 We can. I know.
I understand we can.

Speaker 1 I wish in our society we could just do a podcast where there's no cutting.

Speaker 2 No consequences.

Speaker 1 No consequences. Nothing.
We could just be free and say whatever you want. And we're about as free as we can get.
No, we're not. Because we are cutting a lot out.

Speaker 1 I want to be able to to say anything I want. Yeah, but then you get, there's consequences.
I don't want consequences.

Speaker 1 Why should there be consequences with the things that you say?

Speaker 1 Because, what do you mean? Because

Speaker 1 you're broadcasting this to hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Grow up. Grow up.
No, it's comedy. Here's the deal.
We say as much as we can in a free form without trying to make people feel bad. Yes.

Speaker 1 You don't have to hurt people. Yeah.
Yeah, I know, but you're right.

Speaker 2 Because people have said things about you that you don't like. And me and Daniel.

Speaker 1 I understand that, but still, they should have every right to do, and I don't think I should be able to ruin their life because they said it.

Speaker 2 But sometimes it's fun to want to ruin their lives.

Speaker 1 Like fatties. I want to talk about fatties now.
People that are chubby. Whatever.
Well, do you think you're allowed to talk about something if you fall in the category?

Speaker 1 But because you're a little chunky right now, don't you think you fall in the category? Yeah, that's why I think I can. No, you can.
I've gained weight, huh?

Speaker 1 A little bit, but stop sucking in your stomach. No, I've gained weight.
I see you doing it right. Let it go.
See? There it is. I feel weight.
I've gained so much weight.

Speaker 1 Can I tip you off of maybe why? Cookies.

Speaker 1 You ordered four sandwiches.

Speaker 2 Four sandwiches that were this biggie.

Speaker 1 He ordered four sandwiches and you didn't even finish them. I gave him a cone because, by the way, he eats once a month.
And

Speaker 1 you left all of them on the table in the fridge. With one bite out.
With one bite. That's so wasteful.
So what? No, that's no, no good. Wasteful.
That's no chance. No chance of wasting.

Speaker 1 Wasteful. That's what your pants say when you put them on.
Because let me say something.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, like the sea creatures out there? Yeah. You know, secretions? Like my little mermaid?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, there are like islands made out of plastics that we, human beings, throw out there? We're cleaning them up.
I don't want them to. You want them to

Speaker 1 pollute the ocean more. No, it's not.
You're not polluting because they float plastic. Yeah.
And, you know, ducks and seagulls, they can relax on them. Okay, so check it out.

Speaker 1 Everybody at home, please start throwing plastic bottles back into the ocean. I agree with this.
I think we should start. I always see.
Look at those colors.

Speaker 1 Look at that pink straw that's jabbed into that fucking duck's eye. Also, when the plastic melts, it creates beautiful colors in the water.
Exactly. Yeah, when the plastic melts.

Speaker 1 It's good for the fish. It's so good.

Speaker 1 Anyway, that's just my two. Well, tell me what you want to talk about fat people then, because you're fat now, so go ahead.
No, I don't. But you're not...

Speaker 1 I have a broader point I want to say. Well, give it to me.
I am giving it to you now.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying that, like, you know, how freeing would it be if we could just say exactly what we want and how we feel about certain things.

Speaker 1 But is it how you really feel, or you know, it's a joke, so you're saying it's not. I think it's a joke, but still, it's like, I want to be able to go there, you know what I mean? But you can't.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. How do you feel about

Speaker 1 fat people?

Speaker 1 How do you feel about them? I hate them. Oh,

Speaker 1 here we go. I love him.
I love him. I love him.
No, see, you just said you wanted to be free. Yeah.
So then be free. No, what I'm saying.
Yeah, you're right. But, you know, my brother.

Speaker 1 This is my point. You don't actually want to say it.
You're right. Because if you did, you'd be.
But I want the freedom to have that as an option, though. It is.
It is.

Speaker 1 Of course you can. There is consequences.

Speaker 1 You can go. You can go around town saying whatever you want.
Something may happen because of it.

Speaker 1 Well, that's the whole point. So we pick and choose what we're okay with maybe saying.
Yeah. But I think that words and actions are two different things.
Yeah, but one can lead to the other.

Speaker 1 That is true. They're not mutually exclusive, but they can.
You're right. You go to an all-black neighborhood, yell the N-word.
See if anything happens. I would never do that.
It's not funny. I know.

Speaker 1 That's my point. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
What are you talking about? In a comedic way, if we could talk about certain things. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, for instance, the whole transatlantic thing we did. Yeah, it was fun.
I know, but in many ways, we might not even be able to fucking air that.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? Or when I did Asian Accent.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, that one we're keeping air.
I know, we are. But also, what you're talking about, the transatlantic joke, was a broader joke.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That is simple. You put that dip back in your mouth? Yeah.
Good. Double dip.
Double dipping, dog.

Speaker 1 That is way past the three-second rule.

Speaker 1 I understand that. But I'm just.
First of all, can we talk about that real quick? What?

Speaker 1 Did scientists measure that fucking three seconds? Why? Three seconds.

Speaker 2 They did. Germs only move at a certain speed.

Speaker 1 That's right. So in three seconds, they're

Speaker 1 56. They found out, they did a bunch of research to find out.
Germs are slow. Germs are very slow.
French fry on the floor. Let's.

Speaker 1 Germs have an extra chromosome.

Speaker 2 I think a dad started that because he was tired of his kids wasting food.

Speaker 2 It's like, three seconds, you can still eat it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Germs have an extra chromosome. They're a little slow.
Oh, they do? They're a little slow. Did you not know that? They're a little slow.
They're downy.

Speaker 1 a little bit okay do they have

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 there's down syndrome germs

Speaker 1 are there germs that have like spinal bifida they kind of you know what i mean that's why they call it downy soap because it like

Speaker 1 balances out the all right is that what it is that's what i'm saying it's like that's are there dwarf germs there are smaller than regular germs yeah yeah yeah smaller than the eye can see right and and the other germs make fun of them they do they pick on yeah come on tommy yeah Catch up.

Speaker 1 I'll try the best I can. Just the right thing to change.

Speaker 1 Right, so what I'm saying, you know. What's the longest something to be on the floor before you'd eat it?

Speaker 1 I've eaten things after like a couple hours, actually. That are on the floor.

Speaker 1 The floor?

Speaker 1 Like a potato chip? Yeah. Oh, see, potato chip I'm okay with because it's fried and coated.
Not gravy. I wouldn't scoop up gravy.

Speaker 1 Of course not. But I want to.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Okay, let's go over the list of things that falls on a dirty kitchen floor that you would pick back up and eat.
A potato chip, I'm totally.

Speaker 1 I couldn't. I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with potato chips. What about a piece of fruit, like a strawberry?

Speaker 2 I was just thinking of that. No.

Speaker 1 No, no. It's too wet.
What about a heart, like an apple has a heart outside? Apple's not wet on the outside. Oh, yeah, 100%.
Apple's fine. A full apple.
Yeah, full apple.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Watermelon, then.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you could wash it.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Sliced watermelon.
No, just a whole watermelon. Ah, and I can't.
No. Of course, water.
That's fine. It sits outside.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 All right, so what about something that's a little bit

Speaker 1 like a like

Speaker 1 a peach? Because a peach is soft and a little moisture.

Speaker 2 It's fine if you could wash it. No, you can't wash it.

Speaker 1 No, that's the whole point of this. You can't wash this.
Yeah, in this fucking center, no washing. You can't wash it.

Speaker 1 That's the whole point of this.

Speaker 1 No washing. A peach? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're eating it. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 For some reason, I would eat a rib.

Speaker 1 Like cooked ribs? Like ribs?

Speaker 2 That is the most. That's the worst.

Speaker 1 It's covered in the corner.

Speaker 1 I can eat one side of it or something. The sauce is like the sauce is so easy.
I know, but if it's like on its side, I could eat the side that's not on the floor. All right, check it out.

Speaker 1 Slice of pizza falls face side up, right? So just the crust hits, you still can eat it? Hell yeah. Ooh, that's interesting.

Speaker 2 Pizza is always good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because the crust is hard. Yeah, I would eat it.
And it's burnt. I would eat it.
You would. How many hours, though? Thick, six.
No.

Speaker 1 Four.

Speaker 1 An hour.

Speaker 1 An hour max? Yeah. What happens after one hour? Oh, that's good.
Well, the downy shrimp catches up.

Speaker 1 The downy shrimps up here. Finally gets there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 what about a liquid that spills

Speaker 1 no liquid at all? If they had Cleopatra's breast milk, I might taste it. That's dried?

Speaker 1 No, it's preserved in a sarcophagus.

Speaker 1 Imagine they open the sarcophagus, she's holding just a bottle of breast milk. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They preserved it. Would you? Yeah, take a sip.
Yeah. It's history.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you,

Speaker 1 okay, let me just ask you another question then.

Speaker 1 Would you meet Abe Lincoln's boogers? You know, they used to collect his boogers.

Speaker 1 Who did? Abe's wife. Mabe.
I'd have to try it. Mabe and Abe.
Mabe and Abe. Because I've had like modern-day boogers,

Speaker 1 but I've never had a when's the last time you ate a booger for real?

Speaker 1 A day, two days?

Speaker 2 Hours.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest with you. Did you eat a booger today?

Speaker 1 In the car? If it has the red driedness to it, I sometimes eat it. Blood? Yeah.
If there's a little bit of blood on it, it gets that flavor, you know what I mean? Yikes. Have you ever eaten a booger?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never eaten a booger. Never in your life?

Speaker 1 No, it's so not true. That's such a lie.
My hand of God. My hand of God.
I've done much. You don't believe in God? I don't give a fuck.
I've done embarrassing stuff.

Speaker 2 Even when you were a kid, that's not.

Speaker 1 Never, never, because I saw the kids that did eat boogers and they grossed me out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me too. But

Speaker 1 sometimes it happens.

Speaker 1 Even worse, you're not scamming it. No, never eat that.
That's insane.

Speaker 1 I'll be the first to admit, I have. No shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nobody's blown away. Not shit.
You've tried poop. Never.
You've licked it. You've licked poop.

Speaker 1 You look at me and say you licked poop. Now, if Cleopatra's fucking putting it on it, maybe I would eat it.
Stop diverting.

Speaker 1 You have one time tasted your poop. Look me in the face.
I swear I gotta have it. Say, swear on everything.
I swear on everything. That you've never tasted poop.
I've never eaten poop.

Speaker 1 That's ridiculous. Tasted.

Speaker 2 Not even on accident.

Speaker 1 There's no flavor.

Speaker 1 I know that. There's no flavor.
I know you've tried it. My point is this is.
I know you've tried it. Have you tried your own spunk? Can I ask you about Peoppo? Have you tried your own spunk?

Speaker 1 Can we go back to Cleopatra?

Speaker 1 Have you tried your own spunk? What's a spunk? Your own jizz? Yes, everyone has. No, I've never had a spunk.
Never.

Speaker 1 Never. Not one time in your life.
Never. No intrusion.
No curiosity. Nope, none.
Yeah. Nope.
I see it. I smell it.
I know it.

Speaker 2 You got to do that tonight, though. The booger and your jizz.
You have to

Speaker 1 taste them both. You got to become a bad person.
And when you do it, you feel like it's cannibalism.

Speaker 1 You're eating your kids. You're eating your own fatigue.
So it's not good. Did you

Speaker 1 like it? Can I ask you something?

Speaker 1 You're a scientist. God bless.

Speaker 1 You discover the tomb of Cleopatra. Here she is.
Right. Mummified.
Right? Yeah. As a scientist, you go, I want to see what's inside.

Speaker 1 You unravel her. There it goes.

Speaker 1 Don't be honest. I know.
Yeah. everything's petrified, except for the badge.
It's perfectly intact.

Speaker 2 That's how you become the mummy.

Speaker 1 It awakens.

Speaker 2 Then Brendan Frazier has to come back and kill her.

Speaker 1 What do mummies not like? But Brendan Frazier as the whale comes back to kill it.

Speaker 1 I've always wanted to be what Indiana Jones did. What? Anthropologist.
Archaeologist. That's what I mean.

Speaker 1 Let him have it.

Speaker 1 Let him have it the way he wants.

Speaker 1 An archaeologist. I think you should be an anthropologist.
No, I'd be cool being an archaeologist.

Speaker 2 You would raid things?

Speaker 1 No, but I've always wanted to go to a dirty field with those little brushes. You imagine you have the patience to do that? That's insane.
You have to go to school first.

Speaker 1 That could ruin my fucking dreams, man. No, but let me ask you a real question.

Speaker 1 You know, you'd have to see. Yeah, of course I go to school, man.
That's not that. You sit out there for hours and hours and hours.
You have the patience to do that. Yeah.
Hunched over in the dirt.

Speaker 1 If I can find an exotic coin. Yeah, but it's hours, and most days you find nothing.
I know, but if I can find one.

Speaker 1 But let's say you don't. You spend your whole life.
But do I get like, you know, like in Jurassic Park and stuff, they give you, like, the city funds it. They find like an

Speaker 1 philanthropic billionaire who funds my fucking research. Most of these are.
I'll just be out there in the middle of a fucking random field and just do that all day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're getting paid by like some nonprofit, but you're not making a lot of money. You can't? A foundation is sponsoring you.
You're making a little bit of money to survive. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that's better than like working at Denny's. Says who? You're right.
The Grand Slam. You don't want to slap those on tables all day long?

Speaker 1 No, but if you could discover, like, you know what I want to discover? What, baby? Find that little knife that stabbed Jesus in the gut.

Speaker 2 Knife? He got nailed.

Speaker 1 He got nailed to a cross. No, but there was a...
Didn't somebody stab him on the side? I knew they read different stories in Korean churches. They did.
They did. They did, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He used to give Judas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he didn't kill him. They didn't kill him.
I know, but if you could discover that knife. Wow.
And then you have Jesus' blood on the tip of the knife. Would you lick it?

Speaker 1 No, I wouldn't lick it. No, I'll clone it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like Jurassic Park. Like Jurassic Park.
Jesus Park.

Speaker 1 And I have a bunch of Jesuses. Jesus Park.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And there's like a Jesus on a tree.

Speaker 1 And they're going, ah!

Speaker 1 They do that. That'd be so cool, dude.
I would make hundreds of them. Yeah, it's not a knife.
It's out of lands. What? The Holy Lands.
Yeah. That's dear Jesus.

Speaker 1 It's called the Holy Lands?

Speaker 2 And they've cloned him? And they found it?

Speaker 1 Lance. I think it's still missing.

Speaker 1 No, Lance. I think it was saying Holy Lands.
It is a Holy Land. Yeah, but so the Holy Lance.
Did they ever find that thing? Spear of Destiny, it's also called. Yeah, Spirit of Destiny.

Speaker 1 Did they ever find it? It's still missing. It's still missing.
Dude, let's find it. Sounds suspect to me.
What? Still missing.

Speaker 1 Didn't happen. Really?

Speaker 1 He was never shanked. I think Jesus made everything bigger than it was, like, walk on water.
He skipped across a pond.

Speaker 2 Judas probably just bumped into it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, did you see what Judas just did? He stopped me.
It was just in the farmer's market. She's just relaxed.
Wait, who's the X-Men that did split the ocean?

Speaker 2 Wolverine. Oh, wait.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 I got my snapshot. He's the guy from the biblical times that did the ocean.
Yeah, there's an X-Men that split the oceans. Oh, yeah, Moses.

Speaker 1 Moses, part of the sea. That's a guy that's dope.
He's not an X-Men.

Speaker 1 Was he? Who else could split the ocean apart like that? Moses. X-Men.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 2 that's interesting.

Speaker 1 Moses was Jewish, right? Or Aquaman. Wasn't he Jewish? Moses? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he split the sea and he goes, oh, oh, too high. The water was so high.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Can I ask you another scene about the Bible? Yeah. I've been thinking about this.
Yeah. You know how Jesus turned water into wine? Why did he do that? Because let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 He's God, right? So he could fucking turn water into any beverage, even beverages that weren't even invented, like a piña colada.

Speaker 1 I imagine if he turned the water into piña colada, I'm like, what is this? But I think one of them is so much easier to communicate. What do you mean? Well, wine.
He's like, you know, grapes, wine.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, okay. But if he started to be like, pini colada, you know.
Yeah. The flavor of coconut that you get.
But that's so cool. Like,

Speaker 1 this is from the future.

Speaker 2 It would be funny if I have to like name brands in the Bible.

Speaker 1 Yes. That's a sugar-free Red Bull.
They're like, whoa, I'm not, I'm not tired.

Speaker 1 What's sugar? Don't worry. It's free of it.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could do any beverage. Yeah.
He should have turned it into.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You know what? That's a real thing.
Think about it. Think about it.
Think about it, dude.

Speaker 1 And why did Jesus, if he was was all so powerful exactly how come he didn't just heal everybody right only lepers what about hiv yeah he let those go yeah imagine if like there was like jesus please i'm i'm dying right will you help me yeah like a freddie mercury guy you know what i mean thick mustache yeah you can imagine yeah that's what jesus looked like no i'm just saying if he could cure him

Speaker 1 they do say jesus was a frequent at bathhouses so but he could only heal the people that believed in him and his dad. Yeah, you had to believe in both.
What if you just believe in one?

Speaker 2 I don't think you can. No, that's like a package of people.

Speaker 1 There's three of them, right? Holy Ghost, Jesus, and God. They're the same thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all three of them you got to believe in.

Speaker 1 No, but the Holy Ghost is Jesus when he's dead.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Dead Jesus is Holy Ghost.

Speaker 2 Wait, I didn't get that far yet. That's at the end.
In the book?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Read and finish it.

Speaker 1 Pretty good. Pretty good book.
He dies.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Sorry.

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Speaker 1 Alcohol

Speaker 1 has been consumed most likely in the history of humanity more than water was consumed at one point because water was deadly and poisonous. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But because through fermentation, people would often drink like it wasn't on, it was, it was not unusual for people of a certain era to drink spirits in the morning for breakfast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 water was poisoned. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Water was filthy. I mean, it was polluted.
Whoa. So they would just, you know, you would make alcohol and it's easier to drink, safer to drink.
You know, who would be the worst follower of Jesus? Who?

Speaker 1 Bert Kreischer. He'd have fucking gallons of water.
Come on, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Every time Jesus would make something, he finishes it. He's like, water into, come on, Burt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you think? Water.
Do water into Tito's back.

Speaker 1 Come on, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Jesus, secret time, secret time, secret time. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know much about the Bible. I was not raised with a religion, so I don't know much about it.
I don't know much either.

Speaker 1 I just know what I've heard. Bullet points, you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It doesn't show.

Speaker 1 What did you just say? It doesn't show. This guy, you know, he's a Catholic.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's the guy? The Jonah? Not Joan.

Speaker 2 Noah's Ark. I was just thinking.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I like that. Not Noah's Ark.
Jonas Brothers?

Speaker 1 Are they in there? Jonas and the Rainbow Cook. No, there was one guy, right? The book of Job.
Yeah, Job. Is that his name? Yeah, Job.
Is it Job or Job? Job. Okay.
But spelled the same?

Speaker 1 Yeah, remember the transatlantic accent? That's where it came from. So Job.
Job. Job.

Speaker 1 It's not Job. It's Job.
Oh, yeah. So, Job, let me talk about Job, right? Tell me all about him.
I don't know much about him. That's what I'm because I'm just through memory.

Speaker 1 God took a lot away from him. Is that that guy?

Speaker 1 Job, yeah, God took from him.

Speaker 2 He loved him. Killed his wife.

Speaker 1 Killed his wife and kids, right? Kids. Yeah.
And all that, right?

Speaker 1 And then. And Job was like, yes.
Yeah, yes. But he was like so dedicated to God that at the end, God goes, here's more women.
Yeah, he gave him all the chicks.

Speaker 2 God told me to do it.

Speaker 1 See?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, sweetheart. This is God's will.

Speaker 1 But would you be like, yeah, that's nice, but what happened to Cynthia?

Speaker 1 And my son, Billy. Replaceable.
They're all replaceable. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I'll be mad. They're in heaven now.

Speaker 1 They're happy. Imagine if you get to heaven and God speaks speaks with a transatlantic accent.

Speaker 1 Hey, we've been waiting for you. Yeah.
Are you a Duke'em Up? I'm a Duke'em Ups. I remember you.
Hi, God.

Speaker 1 Anyway, welcome to the Paralygates. What are some other Bible stories?

Speaker 1 Well, you know about, you know,

Speaker 1 well, what, what about, like, um.

Speaker 2 Well, Noah's Ark wouldn't fly now because he's got two of every animal, but he would have to get

Speaker 2 trans animals too.

Speaker 1 Can I say that?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 you can't, right?

Speaker 1 The thing that tricked me about Noah's Arch is that this one.

Speaker 1 No, no. Cut that out, you know.

Speaker 1 Don't cut it out. No, no.

Speaker 2 Because Noah got two of every hour.

Speaker 1 It's too much. It's too much.
Too many genders.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He couldn't do it. This is a small bow.
He needed a double decker. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, hello it was a double decker bow.
A triple decker. Here's another thought that I had, though, right?

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something. So, Noah brings all these animals, right?

Speaker 1 A pair. But then no two Chinese guys? A Chinese couple? No.
It's just white people then? What do you mean? I mean, think about that. It was just him on a boat with animals.
I know, white guy.

Speaker 1 And somebody.

Speaker 1 But fuck the black people and the Chinese and the Mexicans.

Speaker 1 They weren't. So they had to start over? There wasn't Chinese and Mexicans there.

Speaker 1 There was no Chinese and Mexicans in the Bible back in that day. Dude, you're talking about this is in the fucking Middle East.

Speaker 1 It's in the fucking Middle East.

Speaker 1 Why would the Chinese be in the Middle East? That's my... Really?

Speaker 1 So there are certain fucking animals that or pandas you think pandas are on the middle east but they had two of those no they didn't they said two of all animals

Speaker 1 they did say two of every animal yeah they said two of every animal so the song so we know it's a lie sloth from papua new guinea but do you think about that no because it's all fucking bullshit No, it's real, dude.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, the Bible. No guy had a fucking boat with animals.
It's fucking insane. And where the fuck the unicorns go?

Speaker 1 Exactly, dude. Yeah, it was bullshit.
Oh, maybe they didn't make it on. That's why we don't have have them today.
Oh, they didn't make it, but everybody else made it on. Yeah, no mermaids.

Speaker 1 Crickets made it on.

Speaker 1 Crickets made it on flies. Yeah, centaurs, minotaurs, and mermaids, they didn't make it on.
Why didn't they make it on?

Speaker 2 Well, mermaids can swim.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they could have. What did they want to take a break? They didn't want to hang on the dock.
Exactly. I guess.
Let me tell you. Yeah.
There's no fucking way that guy had every animal.

Speaker 1 That's impossible. There he is again.
That's a woman.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, you're right. So, what?

Speaker 1 But here's what's up, dude? My point is, is this, okay?

Speaker 1 What is it? Look at them. What is it? Something alligators and long-necked geese.
Two humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some

Speaker 1 boats and roses and alligators. What song are you singing?

Speaker 1 No, dinosaur. That's the Noah's Ark.
Do you know that song? I know it in Spanish. What is in Spanish? Está valco codrilo yellorangutan.
Dos pe queña serpientes yel la aguila It's the same rhythm.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's the same song.

Speaker 1 Two alligators and long neck geese, some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats, some rats, and elephants, and sure as you're more.

Speaker 1 Dunno, no dinosaur. Some shit like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because they were pretending like he fucking forgot the dinosaurs. Yeah, it's not.
It's not real. Scam.
You're right. Scam.
I just thought about it. Big bang, baby.
Big bang guy over here.

Speaker 1 You're a big bang.

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 1 Bing bang, boom. I'm a dinosaur guy.
Yeah, big bang. Yeah, man.
Yeah, we believe that they took him out. I'm a dinosaur.
Are you a dinosaur guy?

Speaker 2 Jesus created the dinosaur.

Speaker 1 Boom!

Speaker 1 Not true, not true. Take a walk.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? I don't believe in any of it. Yeah, me either.
You believe in dinosaurs, though? 100%.

Speaker 2 Fuck me.

Speaker 2 Some people do believe that people buried the bones to disprove Christianity.

Speaker 1 Like Satan, like Satan. That's a theory, right?

Speaker 1 Satan went all around the world and fucking planted dinosaur bones to confuse everyone. Can you imagine if Satan was getting frustrated when people were? He's like, not, don't bury it there.

Speaker 1 All right. He just buried his skull there.
That's not going to make sense. He's like, that's it.
You're going to hell. So it's like, well, he's so demanding.

Speaker 1 We're trying our best. I know.
Satan's a dick. He's a dick, dude.
I'm trying my best, Satan. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Does Satan have a son? Yeah.
Because Jesus is not a son.

Speaker 1 He's right here. No, no.

Speaker 1 Isn't Damien Satan's son? Yes, Damien's son. Damian.
Damien is satanic. You never saw Omen? No.
You never saw that? Dude, Omen's the best movie Satan. Damien is the son of Satan.
Yeah, Damien is.

Speaker 2 We're going to watch it tonight.

Speaker 1 Omen's so scary. I think Omen's so scary.

Speaker 2 It is scarier than Hored.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't find it scarier now. I recently saw it like six months ago.
Really? Omen, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are they still scary? The first two, pretty scary. Yeah.
I feel like now with technology, when I see older, scarier movies, I'm like,

Speaker 1 but here's a scary part

Speaker 1 in the Omen movies.

Speaker 1 they go back to like some sort of ancient sta site or archaeology style site and they dig through this tomb and they see a painting of damien in there no yeah pretty scary shit man yeah but okay but think about it like this whenever we saw like hieroglyphics and paintings and stuff like that from a long time ago so many times yeah they were why are they doing this they didn't they didn't know how to draw arms yet oh really they couldn't put them down by the throws like this yeah they just always had him up yeah uh

Speaker 1 what it makes me laugh is like you think about

Speaker 1 how intoxicated were some of these people when they were doing this what do you mean when they were making some of these like crazy drawings like you go back like natives like a lot of native stuff like that they're on they're on fucking they're on

Speaker 1 peyote or mushrooms or or ayahuasca's and yeah you see some so a lot of these visions was it because of the intoxicants?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I've seen some of my notes during the day.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. When I trip and I'm like, this could go on a wall somewhere.
Yeah, but it don't make no sense. Also, they're similar in many caves.

Speaker 1 There wasn't like a Vasquez heroin guy that did his own thing. There had to be, but there's probably.
And then some caveman was like, no, no, that's not good. Not good.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's like, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The poppy seed guy. Poppy seed.
The poppy seed guy. God, the heroin back then must have been so good.
I think it's probably better today.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but if you could figure that out back then. If you're the first guy to do it? Yeah.
You see

Speaker 1 a poppy seed? Yeah, a poppy seed field. How did they figure that out? They look at it.
How did they turn it into heroin? There's probably one guy that smoked everything.

Speaker 1 Like an oak tree. He's like, I don't know.
My throat hurts. Yeah, someone had to try all of that.
They tried everything. And he got fucking lit up on that shit.
A poppy seed.

Speaker 1 And then imagine the first guy that was like, we should put it in my blood.

Speaker 1 Right. Like, put it right inside of my blood.
They're like, Nathaniel, that's not going to work. I don't want to smoke it.
I don't want to eat it. Throw it in my fucking blood.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I'm sure someone tried to stab themselves in the heart with it one time. Wow.
For sure.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. The first heroin.

Speaker 1 The first heroin. Dude.
Or imagine the first time the guy, the first guy that sniffed cocaine. Because I bet they would eat it, taste it, touch it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who made it into powder farm? That guy must have been fucking genius. Yeah.
Who were like, yeah, that's the jam.

Speaker 1 You imagine, you know how, like, you know, when you first start masturbating when you're a kid and you're not really talking to your friends yet about it, you know, like everyone's kind of keeping a secret.

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm saying. And then you slowly start to speak to each other about it, right? But when you first do it, it's kind of like you don't talk about it.
So

Speaker 1 imagine the first couple of guys that were doing cocaine, and then they all get together and one guy's like, so how's it been? He's like, dude, it's been amazing. My nose is a little bit.

Speaker 1 And then one guy's been sticking it in his ass and he's like, wait, you guys are in your nose? Like, yeah,

Speaker 1 where do you put it? He's like, right. I just jam it right at my ass.
I jam it right at my ass. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just coke in my ass.

Speaker 1 You guys are in your nose? Right. Yeah, it goes to your brain.
Yeah, but your assholes. Yeah, I guess I'll try the nose.

Speaker 1 You know, when you and your friends start jerking off and you start to kind of clue each other into shit when you're like you don't start you never talked about it with your friends

Speaker 1 here's the thing about masturbating as a kid and may i say something

Speaker 1 i never thought it was embarrassing but all the kids would like i would i remember saying to my friend fucking craig yeah i masturbate it feels and he's like why do you do that i don't masturbate I get real girls.

Speaker 1 I go, yeah, but it feels good. Yeah, I never felt that.
Like, why, why, why, do you guys notice that when kids didn't admit it? Guy kids?

Speaker 1 Well, there was always a couple of guys in my group that were like, no, I don't really do that. And it's like, really? Yeah, yeah, it feels so good.
I can't stop. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 At one point, I was like three, four times a day. Yeah.
When you're 15 and you're just like,

Speaker 1 you cannot stop. You can't stop.
You guys don't ever have that feeling, do you?

Speaker 1 Like, do young girls need, like, is there, wherever, was there ever a day when you're flicking the bean like two, three times a day?

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, I think, like, I think what I did, a lot of women do is like you're masturbating before you know it's masturbating.

Speaker 1 Because you're rubbing up against stuff. Yeah.
Like

Speaker 1 fruit or vegetables in there or no? No, no. Oh, they're rubbing stuff.
Like pillows. You'd rub pillows.
Yeah, yeah. I would stick.
If I was a hot dog, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 A cucumber, I don't give a fuck. But that's why God made you a guy.

Speaker 2 You would eat it afterwards, too.

Speaker 1 He feels you out, and he's like, this guy's going to shove too much shit in his pussy. Yeah.
Make him a guy. I've had like lamp fixtures in there, like everything.
I would try everything.

Speaker 1 Where did you often jerk off? Was it always in your room at night? Or was it

Speaker 1 bathtubs out? You still, me too. You still today? I love it.
Love in the shower. You know what I do? Yeah.
I get on my knees.

Speaker 1 When the faucet comes down. Yeah.
I sit like.

Speaker 2 You get on your knees and masturbate to God.

Speaker 1 I'm like this, right?

Speaker 1 The faucet's going down.

Speaker 1 And with the water coming down. Have you tried that?

Speaker 1 Have the water pour on your penis?

Speaker 1 I like it. Strong water.
Ow. Ow.
No, no, no, no, no. Lukewarm.
And then sometimes I do freehand. Where's the water hitting? I do freehand and the water hits my dick.

Speaker 1 Are you sure you don't have a vagina? This sounds like you have a vagina. No, no, no, no.
And then sometimes I can come that way. Where is the water hitting? Right on the head.
On my foot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my fucking dick, man. Don't make it sound like I'm weird.
You're having fucking rushing water out of a spout. It hits you on the penis.
Where do you think it's going to fucking hit, man?

Speaker 1 That doesn't feel good. You haven't tried it, man.
You're fucking the water. So you're fucking

Speaker 1 water.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That's nuts.
Something nuts do. My nuts sometimes do.

Speaker 1 I do nuts sometimes. No, you never tried that? No, no one has.
You guys have never done that. No.
You fucked a water spout? Well, there's a whole room of college students trying to kick on your nuts.

Speaker 1 I've never taken you to a waterfall. spout.

Speaker 1 You want to hear a decup, you want to hear a decup, man? Yes. Right? Fucking the fucking jacuzzi.
Have you done that?

Speaker 1 Put my side in it? Yeah, I take my dick out, stick it on the fucking jacuzzi. So strong, the current.
And I just do this like this. Doesn't water get in the tip?

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. That's how you're saying it.
No.

Speaker 2 No, thank you. That also, both of those sound like things women do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 You put your little clit up against the.

Speaker 1 See, when I share things, man, sometimes, man, I want some support, man. Do you use a

Speaker 1 vulnerable, man? No, but

Speaker 1 you can't want support and then also asked if that's what we do. We don't do that, but I support you for doing it.
But it's fucking strange. Share things about myself, man.

Speaker 1 I get fucking ridiculed, man. That's not true.
You're fine. I support you.

Speaker 1 I support.

Speaker 2 I thought it was great, what you just told us. Do you use a vibrator?

Speaker 1 I'm serious.

Speaker 1 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 2 Do you use a vibrator?

Speaker 1 I've used things that vibrate, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Now we can move on.

Speaker 1 It's fucking strange, man. How much have you liked the East Coast now?

Speaker 1 You know, I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 1 It's blowing my mind. It's beautiful over here.
Yeah, because I didn't know much about it. You thought Jersey was people.
Last night he said, I never played Jersey.

Speaker 1 I thought it was just guys like the Jersey Shore. The only thing I knew about Jersey is through Sopranos and Jersey Shore.
So I'm like, this is not my audience. Well, that exists.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my point is that, so every gig that I would get offered in Jersey, I would say, I'm not playing there. Because you thought Tony Soprano.
Philly or any of those East Coast places. Maine?

Speaker 1 I've never been to Maine. Have you?

Speaker 1 No, but Maine is not. We're not going to Maine.
Oh, but they have people there, right? Like a 30. Okay.
There's like 40 people in there. Bob Marley created a fucking career up there.

Speaker 1 Bob Marley's the king of up there. Yeah, yeah.
Bob Marley, people I don't know, we're talking about the stand-up comedian.

Speaker 1 But you know, you know, this tour has been great because you know, I've been exploring

Speaker 1 places that I thought, you know, you think things are one way, but they're not. Yeah, like the South.
We love the South. Yeah, they accepted me.
How much fun do we have in Nashville? I loved it.

Speaker 1 So fun. So fun.
That was a fun night. And so, you know, this whole thing.
Raleigh, you love. You loved Raleigh.
Loved Raleigh. So, you know, I've been having a really good experience, man.

Speaker 1 You know, and it's kind of built my self-esteem up a little bit. Are you about to say thank you to me?

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 go on i want to thank you man

Speaker 1 because um i'm a big fan of yours no without me we wouldn't be doing this because you didn't want to tour some of those cities and i said you should you'll love it i was gonna go even back but further go back

Speaker 1 i'm a big fan of yours thanks man when you asked me to do this podcast

Speaker 1 man i was like winning a lottery

Speaker 1 Thank you, man.

Speaker 1 Is that the face you make when you rub your clit on the the faucet? Yo.

Speaker 1 Stop. You know what? You could be sweet and be honest, but you can't get vulnerable.
No, because you're making a face. You do that same face you do.
Steve does the exact same face. My brother?

Speaker 1 Yeah, same one. Yeah, because we don't feel anything.
I know. You need to learn to feel.
Feeling's important. I feel nothing right now.
Nothing. Well, I feel hungry.
Is that a feeling? Yeah,

Speaker 1 if we eat where we eat, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my stomach's grumbling.

Speaker 1 Let me say that. Beef jerky in my office if you want something.
What is it? Beef jerky. Beef jerky.
That's his nickname on campus.

Speaker 1 Here comes beef jerky.

Speaker 1 This campus, no offense to Quinn of Piak whatsoever. We appreciate you having us.
This looks like a place.

Speaker 1 It looks boring. It looks beautiful, but it looks boring.
I don't know what you would do out here in the woods. Yostari.
This was a university. Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fancy shit.

Speaker 1 Fuck up, man. Loser.

Speaker 1 Loser.

Speaker 1 Yostari. This is a university.
He says that because he's worried, you know, by the way, he's gigging a check from them. You know, he probably got paid for us to come here and do this.
Right.

Speaker 1 You know, they've got their symbol up. You know what? You're a fucking liar.

Speaker 1 There's not going to be no kids here. And there was 35 when you started the show.
Fucking lie, dude. I don't like it.
Okay. I know how many times I fucking tell you, I don't like it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Because the thing is, we do stand up, right? So we have to do, you know, there's a certain rhythm and a way to do a language that is for live. I don't want to do that for podcasting.

Speaker 1 It's so different. Yeah, because it's like a lot of this will cut out.
You know, I want to be able to just kind of say things without waiting for a laugh.

Speaker 1 That's why I don't like doing it with an audience.

Speaker 1 But we do want to. But you fucking get it, man.
We thank Fancy for putting this together. Very good.
Thank you. Thank you for that.

Speaker 1 And thank you for Quinnipiak. And thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, we're going to give it a go. Oh, so why not

Speaker 1 What? I'm gonna say whatever I wanna say.

Speaker 1 There it is, dude. I wanna talk about, what are we talking about? Trans.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Recommend it written right there.

Speaker 1 Where? Where?

Speaker 1 What does it say? Congress.

Speaker 1 Just stop religion. Yeah, you can't stop religion and words.
It's got sort of a Hogwarts vibe, too. I kinda like that.
That's pretty cool. You guys go to school here? Yeah.
You like it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How's your Quidditch team? Are you guys good? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's your record?

Speaker 1 What's Ravenclaw? Raise your hand if you're Ravenclaw. Let's go down and listen to pickies in what house.
In what area?

Speaker 2 The yellow one. Hufflepuff.

Speaker 1 Careful.

Speaker 1 Careful.

Speaker 1 She's a Ravenclaw.

Speaker 1 Sleather in. Sleathernarin'.

Speaker 1 Sleatherny.

Speaker 1 What are you?

Speaker 1 She's a Hufflepuff.

Speaker 1 She's a Hufflepuff. How about you, Billy Joel? Didn't make it.

Speaker 1 Didn't make it. Yeah, you didn't make it.

Speaker 1 He's got kicked out of all of them.

Speaker 1 The one on the scene? Is that what he just says? That's what Harry Potter is incredible, right?

Speaker 1 That's Harry Potter. I'm gonna fart on you.

Speaker 1 Go do it. Go fart on him if you need to.
He'll take a look at the fire. No, my farts are so rancid today.
Oh my god. Yeah, it's been bad.
Dude, I had hey girl. Do you can I fart right now?

Speaker 1 Not by me, please.

Speaker 1 How about you, man?

Speaker 1 I genuinely have no idea.

Speaker 1 What do you watch, man? You don't like fantasies? Oh, no, I watch a lot, yeah. A lot of fantasies? What fantasies do you watch?

Speaker 1 Like what fantasy movies do you watch?

Speaker 1 Are you talking about like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, space, sci-fi, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like.

Speaker 1 You're full of shit.

Speaker 1 Too much, but I can't remember. Anyway, let's go.
Doug Hunter. Where we're doing like sci-fi or the Griffiths? Well, just any kind of...

Speaker 1 What are we doing?

Speaker 1 I think we've started somewhere.

Speaker 1 Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. I'm your host.
See, so it's going to turn off. I'm your host, Bobby Lee.
We have another

Speaker 1 guy here, Andrew Santino. We're like, wham.

Speaker 1 Why would you introduce it like that? I'm sorry. I'm your host.
You're not the host. We're both hosts.
Yeah, I'm one of your hosts.

Speaker 1 Can I start over? Let's start it again. Hello, Omni Viewer.

Speaker 1 You know, welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. That's the name? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm Bobby. I'm one of the people on the show.

Speaker 1 I've got Andrew Santino. He is also another person on the show.
We got this little one right here, which is great.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 let's talk about

Speaker 1 the future of and the state of our country. What do we think? What are we talking about? How's it going? I don't think trickle-down economics works.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I think that

Speaker 1 the rich hoard the money and it doesn't trickle down. What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 And I just think that I actually think

Speaker 1 you are the rich, father.

Speaker 1 You are the 1%. Yeah, he is a huge fan.

Speaker 1 Particularly to these kids. You know, it's funny, whenever I eat eggs.

Speaker 2 Tell them to give everyone $100.

Speaker 1 I'll give everyone $100, but whenever I eat eggs,

Speaker 1 hard-boiled eggs,

Speaker 1 for days my farts smell

Speaker 1 so rancid. Do you think maybe it's time to stop eating hard-boiled eggs? But it's so good for my body, I think.
It sure is. Well, it doesn't seem like it is.

Speaker 1 I think logically it seems like eggs are good for you, but I don't think they're good for you personally. Yeah.
Or maybe things are bad for some people. But how have my farts been? Are they intense?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Pungent, right?

Speaker 1 Windows in the car rolled themselves down on the way here. We didn't even touch them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 a beautiful drive-through Connecticut. Beautiful, beautiful.
Connecticut's a great state. It's so good.
It's very pretty.

Speaker 1 Raise your hand if you're from Connecticut.

Speaker 1 What part of Connecticut are you from? Stanford. Stanford? Beautiful.
We went, yeah, Stanford's not too far away. Why didn't you go to that college? No, no, that's Stam Ford.
Stam Ford.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Stam Ford University. Stanford is in Northern California.
Stanford. Oh, I I don't know.
This is Stanford.

Speaker 1 Is there a college there? No. There's UConn.
Like, there's a small campus there. No, there's UConn.

Speaker 1 UConn. Oh, UConn.
University of Connecticut. It's a good one, right? We'll be right back.

Speaker 1 I don't know anything about it. About Connecticut? Does he have a football team? Does Quinnipiak have one? I don't know.
Do you guys have football team? No.

Speaker 1 What teams do you have? Hockey, Stock, Hockey. I won't win the hockey champions.

Speaker 1 You just won the hockey championship?

Speaker 1 You don't get to throw that out there like that.

Speaker 1 They might, because I don't even hear them even. No, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
This is going to go in the trash. We're not going to even hear that.

Speaker 1 It's never going to work.

Speaker 1 What hockey championship? What class are you guys?

Speaker 1 You won the Division I

Speaker 1 NCAA National Championship. You beat out

Speaker 1 Minnesota, you beat out Michigan.

Speaker 1 You beat out all those guys. What do you have anything to do with that?

Speaker 1 You did the plays? You did the plays? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The plays? I'm the brain. Who did you guys beat in the national championship? Minnesota.

Speaker 1 You beat Minnesota, you beat Michigan, you beat all these guys

Speaker 1 for the national championship. This is a D1 school.

Speaker 1 This is nuts. It's nuts, right? I can't believe it.

Speaker 1 I actually don't believe it. I don't want to believe it.

Speaker 1 But I do like it.

Speaker 2 Our team was just at the White House about it.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you ever heard of the White House.

Speaker 1 Did you go?

Speaker 1 Have you been to the White House? I have.

Speaker 1 Why have you gone to the White House, lady? I love D.C. It's my favorite city.
Oh, you didn't go in it. You got near it.
Yeah. Well, you didn't go to the White House.
You went near the White House.

Speaker 1 Near the White House. You got to read that.
You have politics? I do. Like what? Like political communication, press secretary work.
That's cool. No, that's why she said she was Slytherin.

Speaker 1 You can tell she's up to no good. So you want to work in the bowels of hell of the United States? Yes.
You believe in our government.

Speaker 2 I trust our government.

Speaker 1 You trust our government?

Speaker 1 My God. Can I ask you a personal question? The future is

Speaker 1 what you lean, right or left. Be we all.

Speaker 2 I'm a registered Democrat.

Speaker 1 You are? Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's what Trump said. I know.
So there's not a lot of truth in it. Do you ever see the show Westway?

Speaker 1 I've been told I should watch it. One of the best shows ever.
Okay. The first four seasons are a masterpiece.
What would your end game be in politics?

Speaker 1 Like the dream dream job would be like White House press secretary, like the new Gen Socky. Whoa.
You'd want to be a press secretary. You'd want to handle probing questions.

Speaker 1 Do you have a clean background, a clean record? Mostly. Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Massachusetts. What part of Massachusetts? Central South near Worcester.
Yeah, outside of Worcester. What does mom and dad do?

Speaker 2 My dad, I was actually raised by a stay-at-home dad, and my mom's a breadwinner.

Speaker 1 What does she do?

Speaker 1 She does like insurance.

Speaker 1 Insurance sales?

Speaker 1 That's a good question.

Speaker 1 Because if your dad ever was cuckin', you know they'll find that if you go to be a press secretary.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you know her. Her dad was a cuck.
He'll light you up. That guy will light you up.
You could be an ankle model. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Awesome. I don't know.
Like socks and stuff. What? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 So you want to be the White House press secretary?

Speaker 1 Good luck. Good luck.
I hope you get everything that you've ever wanted.