Ooh La La!

Hey! Bad friends, we got more dates for the fall. We got game.
We got game. And we got shows coming up.
And we got shows in the fall. So look, we shifted some shows.
We added a second show. Saturday, September 16th in Munhall, PA.
Oh, no! Then, Friday, October 6th, we're gonna be in Boston, Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.
Then, October 21st, we're gonna be in Washington, D.C. I've heard of it!.
And then October 28th, we're gonna be in Belco Theater at Denver, Colorado. That's my favorite Belco of all of all of those.
And then, Friday, November 24th, we are at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah.
And then the 25th of November, we go to Chicago Theater, my hometown Chicago. Chicago, what's up, what's up, where the creatures are.
And then November 30th, we're in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I got molested.
And then Friday, December 1st, we're at the Orpheum in Madison, Wisconsin. More dates to come, but that second show added in one hall.
Boston, D.C., Denver, Milwaukee, Chicago, Minneapolis, Madison. Let's go.
And Madison. Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com. And here's the deal.
Here's the deal. The pre-sale for the artist pre-sale is Wednesday.

Starts this Wednesday, June 21st at 10 a.m.

Oh, that's good.

And it goes until Thursday, June 22nd.

Password is badfriends.

Badfriends.

Badfriends.

And then it's all on sale on Friday.

But try to get those tickets Wednesday, June 21st at 10 a.m.

Password is badfriends.

Badfriends.

Badfriendspod.com.

Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.com badfriendspod.com badfriendspod.com

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends it's an old korean tune That's about old Korean tune. Bing bitty bing bing boink boink.
Bing bitty bing bing boink boink. Bing bitty bing bing boink.
That's about the little boy that died in the well? Yes, yes, yes. Love that song.
It's a good song, right? You know what happened? You know what was down in the well? Mm-mm. A girl.
That's right. And this is the story about why you shouldn't ever chase women because you end up dying in a well.
And that's what's unfortunately the truth about life. You go after women, up dying in a well Bob You gotta be careful buddy She drank a lot of ginger beer She did A lot Too much Way too much ginger beer If you drink too much ginger beer It's not good Well you end up in a well You end up in a well You know what happens When you drink too much ginger beer Right You get Diabetes You do Because of the sugar And then what happens The whole town puts you in a well.
Right. And then they go, well, the ginger.
You know what happens is you get too fat from the ginger beer, from the diabetes, and they put you down there, and you look up and you go, why? And they go, well. Well, well.
Well, well, well, well, well. Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting.
Okay, let's start the show here we are today

back in the studio good to see rudy jewels is here back she's on her phone she's got a brand new phone a big iphone 14 plus the max plus good to see good to see someone's rich someone's rich good to see good to see good to see good to see you jack jewels have a happy birthday thank you it's your birthday it was It's a booty.

Oh, my God.

It's a booty.

We're back.

We're back.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God. It's your birthday.

We're back.

We're back.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Sing it in Tagalog.

Sing it in Tagalog or whatever.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Come on.

You can sing it.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Meet the pop, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip,

skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip. Is there like a, do you guys have your own happy birthday melody? In Tagalog, but I speak Cebuano.
It's different. Then speak Cebuano.
But there's no song. Wait, are you saying Sbarro, like the pizza place? Yeah.
Is that where it's from, is the Philippines? Exactly. That's why it's not good.
That's why it tastes like wood. No, it's good sabaro pizza yeah in the philippines i always go there so funny i was right it is from the philippines what do you get there what sabaro pizza you get bat pizza what do you get down there no i not the pizza i get the bat pizza with balut i said that's a huge have you seen their bats they're huge yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get the white pasta. Isn't that funny that you hate white things but you like the white pasta? It's really creamy.
That's why I like it. Oh, what's also creamy? White guys.
Yeah. Creamy white guys.
Sing happy birthday to her. Sing, sing.
I don't know the Cebuano. Would you never have a fucking birthday?

Well, we just sing it in English.

Stealing from us again.

Steal, steal, steal.

Do you guys have like a Christmas song?

Because the Mexicans have the Feliz Navidad.

That's one of my favorite ones.

We have.

They do.

There it goes. I can't believe we didn't die.

Another year we didn't die.

Next year we might die. But this year we didn't die Next year we might die But this year we didn't die That's the film But it's more like this This year we didn't die It's more like that This year we didn't die Next year we might die Alright well it was her birthday If it's my birthday say something in your language That says happy birthday Not the song but just what would you say Way too long That's so much Call the government She's like starting up a plane Way too much That's happy birthday That's happy birthday.
Okay, good. That's just, yeah.
Yeah. So you had a great birthday.
I had an amazing birthday. What did Andrew do for you? Andrew extended my trip in Orlando and my hotel so I could stay at the resort with his sister and her best friend Stacy.
That's right. Shout out Katie and Stacy.
Shout out my sister and Stacy. Well, both of them.
They're kind of both my sisters, but we had a good time in Orlando. You guys got to stay by the pool.
You were drinking. Wait, did you go? I said go off for dinner.
Yeah. Dinner and drinks? Girls night out.
It was awesome. Who paid for it? I did? The ladies paid for it.
You paid for all of our drinks at the pool. Wait, the ladies didn't put the...
So they paid for the dinner? Yeah. Oh, that's very nice.
What did I pay for? You got me breakfast.

Exactly.

And you called me.

I did call you, didn't I?

You called me at 2 a.m.

And I said, happy birthday again.

What is this soccer shirt you're wearing today?

Oh, it's just because it gets a little cool here,

and I want to be able to sweat through something.

You know nothing about soccer.

You know why it gets cold in here?

Because you fucking weigh 100 pounds,

and you eat Caesar salads.

You should eat a meal once in a while.

I'm trying to be trim.

I'm 36 years old. It's easy to gain weight.

36 years old, how much do you weigh?

135.

And how tall are you? 5'7".

I weigh

180. I'm 5'3".

That's not even a joke.

I know. That is fun.

It's insane. How much do you think I weigh?

I weighed today. I'm kind of bummed.
Two. Wow.
Do I look fat? No, you're trimmed muscle. 202 pounds.
That's great. I'm 202.
That's awesome. But it is.
But I do feel fit. I am going to the gym more, but I feel fat.
It sounds fat. When I hear 202 pounds pounds that sounds like a lot of weight i think i'm like 150 pounds that's fine carlos weighs less than me yeah well carlos carlos is sick yeah here and body yeah you know if you told me you had a terminal illness i i would my response let's say i have a terminal andrew tell me right now hey andrew i have a terminal illness i know yep i would just say i know really we've been thinking it's been coming for a long time we think you're hiding it from us no of course not i would tell you guys anything i don't know this feels like

one of those the black panther guy you know thing where you're hiding it and nobody knows that's

like too noble for me to like die in peace chadwick boseman yeah exactly that poor guy and he hid it

from everyone you would tell every you would scream it from the rap you know iron carpenter

without the talent that's so mean but that's what you look like you know who you look like

Thank you. Exactly.
That poor guy, and he hid it from everyone. You would tell everybody.
You would scream it from the rappers. You look like Karen Carpenter without the talent.
That's so mean. But that's what you look like.
You know who you look like? Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Yeah.
Right as he was going bald. That's exactly what you look like.
Crosby, Stills. You'd be and.
In that band, you'd be and. Ampersand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk about Rudy Jules.
What's been going on in your little world? Nothing.

Oh, fuck.

I'm so happy you came back.

And I, and I,

because she's coming to Riverside Show

and I called her boyfriend.

Is he coming?

And I go,

make sure,

do everything you can to come

and bring Rudy.

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

You know what I mean?

And now he's not coming.

Why doesn't he not like me? No, he has work. That's why.
Where does he work? The pharmacy, Walgreens. How much did he get paid that night? I don't know.
The pharmacy, Walgreens. He works at the pharmacy? Yeah.
What does he do? Pharmacy tech. What does that mean? He just stocks pills? Is he a pill boy? That's a good job.
Can he get pills? I've been telling him to get me Ozempic No That's a weight loss drug Yeah Why would you need that? Why would you need that? Because I need it For what? Are you fat? Just in case I get really really fat What? No you don't I gotta tell you this is smart planning It's pretty good Because she's not fat now She's not getting fat now But she knows at some point she will be fat Yeah Because. Because you know that and I know that.
You've seen what happens in the Philippines.

At some point, they just balloon up.

Although your mom was big and now she's small.

Because of her ozempic.

Yeah.

Ozempic?

I don't know what it's called.

Because she's eccentric.

Yeah.

Ozempic.

We got to get you some ozempic so you can lean out.

Can I be on ozempic?

You don't. You don't need it.
Why? Because I think it would trigger you. A drug frenzy? It's a gateway drug.
I think it would put you in a place where you want other... Because what it does to you, right? It suppresses your appetite.
Yeah, but it's not going to do it. It's the only thing you live for.
It's the only thing you crave. I talked to Jarvis today.
I had lunch with Jarvis who says hi. Brian Jarvis? Yeah.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah and and we talked about we got the salt and straw ice cream afterwards because i love that stuff so fucking good it's so good it's like annoying every time i pass one i go i should stop by yeah and uh i don't know why you do that with your hand because he's flaming i'm gay yeah big deal it's my month exactly so listen yeah it is my month. We missed the Comedy Store Parade thing.
It's in Justin Martindale's asshole. It's just the whole show.
Everyone just comes out of his butthole. That's where the parade is? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I couldn't find it. It's a microphone.
It's in his butthole. The microphone moves up and down.
They crank a mic in and out of his butthole. That's the moving part.
No, but we talked about you and I said, he orders the same thing. He does a lot of desserts and a lot of appetizers.
And I said, what you said to me, you said, I'm an addict. This is my only vice.
You got to let me have this. And I did say to you, I said, you're right.
And I agree with that. And you're right.
Because you're like, this is all I have. So imagine on Ozempic, you're appetite suppressed.
What do you have? If you don't have food, what do you got? Elden Ring. You're going to be, let me tell you something.
I have something to say. Tito Bobby doesn't eat a lot.
He buys a lot of food, but he doesn't eat a lot. So I think he'll be fine.
I don't miss you on this show. Why? That's a true point, though.
It's a partial truth. Here's the deal.
He eats often. often small things but all the time right like when we were together multiple times I picked him up when we were in St.
Petersburg I said where are you he said I'm at this little cafe getting breakfast and I said well I'm gonna go to this other cafe that the valet recommended he goes good I could eat again so I picked him up he ate a meal no I another meal. Second breakfast.
Yeah, but then you ate a third breakfast. You ate three.
Hobbits sometimes do that. I think hobbits are only two.
Search how many breakfasts do hobbits usually eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think two is max. You had three.
But there's two dinners. Yeah, you also get two dinners.
How many lunches, though? You could skip a lunch. I don't know.
According to the books, there's six traditional hobbit mealtimes. Exactly.
Six in a day, dude.

So two, four, six, or three, three?

So three, one, two.

Oh, three, one, two.

I do three, one, two, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, seven.

This one says seven.

Frodo does it.

Exactly.

Breakfast, second breakfast, 11sies, luncheon, afternoon tea.

11sies is what I do.

11sies.

I think yours are 12sies, to be honest with you.

Yeah, yeah.

They're a little bit more.

Yeah.

No, but they eat a lot.

But you cannot get on. Please don't get on Ozempic.

I have to do it.

I have to lose weight.

No, because look at the side effects what it's like it's insane people that have gone on this yeah I've heard a few horror stories I'm not gonna lie what are the side effects I'll see if I can deal with it I love it it says possible nausea, diarrhea, stomach, abdominal I have those already vomiting, constipation smeglitude the biggest side effect is smeglitude what's smeglitude I hate when I get that that's actually what ozempic is what's smeglitude it can cause side effects some people are unable to tolerate nausea vomiting and constant diarrhea that's how you lose weight by the way the original name of ozempic is called smeglitude smeglitude like schmegma inflammation of your pancreas changes in vision low blood sugar kidney problems kidney failure serious allergic gallbladder problems hypoglycemia dude pancreatitis you want to fuck you want to have your pancreas stop working that's that's like a one percent of the people no it's not i'm sure it's much higher than that do what what percentage of those epic users have side effects what percentage of those epic users have side effects? What percentage of those Epic users have side effects? And I'm telling you, it's more than you think. Users have side effects.
16%. 20% of people, 16%.
You're getting diarrhea and nausea from this, dude. I'm telling you.
I'm telling you. Well, I mean, could you try it? And then if the diarrhea comes, it's too much, I can go, I'm going to stop? Yeah, but you won't want to stop you know you you'll keep going.
I love it. Yes I love that you'll feel good.
You'll be losing weight Your tummy will be flat. Yeah, I want to look good babe So do I but then why don't you just get on a little bit of an exercise? I love donuts.
Me too. What's your what's the one breakfast item you cannot live without? Like if they're like a word well, I'll tell you what I tell you what I get every time.
If there's like a pastry basket, fuck, man. Give it, give it, give it, give it.
Oh yeah, we had that. I know, did we not do that? Yeah, I've never seen that before.
We had cinnamon roll muffins. Oh yeah, where did we have that? In St.
Petersburg. Oh, my second breakfast.
Yeah, your second breakfast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At the biscuit place. Oh my God.
Oh my Lord. They made homemade biscuits and he's got biscuit and gravy.
Delicious. Yeah, yeah.
And then they go, you guys know we make this homemade cinnamon muffin. And I was like, a cinnamon roll muffin.
No, it was a biscuit. I'm sorry, cinnamon roll biscuit.
Okay. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the inside swirled and filled biscuit. And then the outside is as crispy and flaky as a biscuit with cinnamon sugar layers in between.
Wait, what was the had a dessert at a restaurant it was a cinnamon roll but inside the middle was not cinnamon st petersburg it was that was also st petersburg you went to that place twice and what's the place called i don't remember oh yeah cow no that's jacksonville Cow, no. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cow.
Cowabunga. Not Cowabunga.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Leonardo was in the front.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cowabunga Not Cowabunga

Oh yeah yeah

Leonardo was in the front

I'm Bart Simpson I'll be your server

Calford's or something

Calford Calford Chophouse

I ate there twice

That best service I've ever seen

I felt kind of guilty

Let's stop plugging this place

What are we giving them free ad space Can No, but can we talk about the service? No, that was amazing. The service was amazing.
Yeah, the whole thing was incredible. There was like 30 people.
You know, sometimes we go, sometimes we go, it feels like a big deal. Sometimes, no.
Sometimes they're mad we're there. Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Sometimes they're like, you guys couldn't go anywhere else? Yeah, Jackson felt like big deal a big deal yeah but orlando did not yeah because it's fucking orlando right yeah will trump us every fucking yeah but they did you can't fuck with but they did tell us they took us into the um to the john lennon room that was cool they did and we saw the piano signed by all these legends. That was pretty fucking amazing.
Do you like John Lennon, Rudy?

Imagine if you did.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm okay.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't like him?

No, I...

Do you know who he is?

What band did he sing for?

Beatles.

Whoa.

Do you know all the members of the Beatles?

No.

She gulped.

She gulped. Can you name some of them? John L? No.
She gulped. She gulped.

Can you name some of them?

John Lennon.

Yeah.

Easy one.

Yeah.

The one that has a weird voice.

Yeah, weird voice.

What's his name?

What are you talking about?

You know who she's talking about.

Yeah.

The lead.

I think you're thinking of John Lennon.

The lead?

The one that I always see in the middle.

Yeah, what's his name?

Come on, we can help you. Jim.
Not Jim. Yeah.
Jim. Well, Jim is in the band.
Yeah. Jim.
Ma. Ma.
Mahoney. Ah! Wait, say it again.
Jim Mahoney. Ma.
Ma. It's not Jim Mahoney.
Okay, good. That's good.
No, this is good. This is good.
So I'm going to give you the right Paul. Paul McCartney.
Paul McCarthy. Or McCartney.
Is it McCartney, McCarthy or McCorthy? McCarthy. Yep.
Paul McCartney. McCartney.
McCartney. Paul McCourtney From the Beatles From the Beatles Good old Paul McCartney From the Beatles And at the John Lennon room That was great They had the piano Some drawings There was a little Asian lady Sweeping up It was Yoko It was Yoko It was great Pick up your feet Pick up your feet And she would sweep Under each footstep Pretty inefficient No Yoko.
It was Yoko. It was great.
Pick up your feet. Pick up your feet.

And she would sweep

under each footstep.

Pretty inefficient.

No Yoko Ono?

She's the one

that broke the band.

She's the one

that broke the band.

So you know

little tidbits.

A little bit.

What are you picking

at your face?

My pimple.

Oh, good.

Stop doing it

while you're on camera.

Can you save it

until you get home?

No, it's annoying.

We all have pimples.

It's okay.

It'll come and it'll go.

How's the Dean's job so far? It's fine. Yeah.
Still doing it? Yeah. Yeah.
What's the dean job? She works at the dean's office. I thought you were working at the bookstore.
No. It's a different one.
Dang. She never got that job.
Yeah. They put her in the back.
But quick promotion to the dean's office. Yeah.
You know what I liked on tour?

What?

The NFL players.

Yeah, Tampa Bay Buccaneers came to say hello to us.

That was pretty cool.

That was fucking really rad.

Yeah.

Very good guys.

Who else was there?

Oh, yeah, Mario came.

Yeah, Mario Lopez came.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is incredible.

With his schedule, I'm surprised he showed up.

Yeah, why did Mario Lopez come?

He likes us.

I guess he said he was a huge fan.

Yeah.

I didn't mind it.

Have you met him, Mario Lopez?

No, and I feel like I never will.

He's a of those guys I feel like I'll never sit down with He's always at Sebastian Manoscocco's like Party That sounds right But he never Like I'm never around him No he kind of floats He kind of floats on his own Is there any new anime You're watching? No I of like... You're over it.
What's been going on in your life, Rudy? I'm just going to school, work, sleep, eat. That's it.
American dream. Yeah, that is kind of the American dream.
You didn't have to work. Well, you went on a picnic hike the other night.
Oh, yeah. Where's Ephraim? Your boyfriend.
Yeah. So over a year now.
Wait a minute. He took you to a little picnic.
Was it for your one-year anniversary? No, he just stopped by and then we went. Does he tell you he's going to do stuff like that or he just surprises you? Sometimes he surprises me.
Was this a surprise? Yeah. So he says, I've got a basket full of stuff for us to go to.
He doesn't have an accent. Well, I want him to.
Okay. He was born here.
So?

So he doesn't have an accent.

You're born here.

He has an accent. I have a little accent.

See?

Just a little bit.

Fancy has an accent.

He was born here.

No.

Yeah.

Yes, he was.

He told me he had a visa coming here.

Yeah, he's got a visa.

I know.

When you meet his wife, you think, what was in it for her? She had to get this guy legalized here. She had to put up with him and have a baby with this guy.
I know a girl that she's... What was in it for her? Yeah.
Imagine his wife spreading his... Uh-oh.
Just imagine his sack and his thigh and just kissing that little no man's land right there. And him going, ooh la la.
Say ooh la la. Ooh la la.
How creepy is that? That's French though. What would the Spaniard say if you kissed his taint? He would say the French one.
You'd say ooh la la. Yeah, ooh la la with an accent.
Do you make weird noises when you're making love? Of course, who doesn't? I don't. You're completely silent? You're quiet when you have sex? Yeah, I have my ninja mask and everything.
Yeah, I have the fucking swords. You know what I mean? Well, those clang together.
That's what I heard that other night in the hotel. What? Just two swords.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you make noises? Of course.
Can you record them?

Sure.

That'd be great.

How funny would that be?

Hearing fancy sex noises?

Oh, my God.

This is great.

I am great.

I am coming.

But it's all about him.

He doesn't say anything.

He's like, I'm the best.

I am a good position now.

This I like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, la, la.

Ooh, la, la.

It's been, you know, I got to tell you,

it's been a weird, wobbly time since I've been home I felt so disconnected because I feel like we're home and then we got to go yeah so I don't feel much going on you've been doing spots I haven't done any you're doing tonight tonight I am yeah yeah but I haven't since we've been back no I went and visited the dogs I needed I saw that online. How was that? Real nice.
I mean, they just get so excited to see me. And all of them just lay on my head.
It's heartbreaking, actually. Because all you have is the cats at the house.
Yeah. And the cats don't know who I am.
Right. So it's a completely different experience.
Who do they think you are? I don't know. But Bojo, the fat one, he's just he's always like, where am I? He doesn't know what's going on.
Is he concussed? No, he's just, I think he's dumb. You think he's an idiot? Yeah, he just wanders in a circle and he looks at me like for the first time he's never seen me before.
Maybe he needs an assistant. Wow.
That is wow. Wow're just, you're my assistant right now? Is that what you're doing? No.
Maybe. What are you saying? Some people needed, you know, help to organize.
Oh, so you're saying I'm like Bojo. Yes.
Wow. Well, Bojo is Bobby Jr.
That's why we call him Bojo. Yeah, that is the name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is kind of right on the money.
Kind of right on the money, you're right? But watch your fucking mouth. Babbel! If you have upcoming summer trip abroad, my go-to travel hack is Babbel.
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We walked past two cats two nights ago.

We take nighttime neighborhood walks.

And all I hear from across the street,

like behind the bush,

wow.

Love.

Wow.

Love.

And I was like, oh, they're fucking?

Yeah.

And wow.

Well, cats have razors on their dekes. You hear about this? Sorry? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, hooks.
Hooks. So it hurts.
So it hurts. So it hurts.
Yeah. I thought they were razors.
Well, feral cats have razors. Wait, so their penises have little hooks on them? Oh, yeah.
And it hooks the vet. Yeah.
Wait, you never fucking got before? There's little razor dicks. Yeah, they have like little, look at that.
So that's why when they're having a dicks, ow wow my vaginal walls ow but I go to the bush and one cat is so fucking fat like we thought they were strays one was huge no identification on it I thought they were just strays How big? Yeah. So big.
How big was it?

I'll tell you how big it was.

It was bigger than anybody.

It was huge.

And the other one was real thin.

And that was the guy.

That was the boy.

And I thought, look at you, look at you.

Oh.

And it was a black cat.

I knew it.

I could take a white cat.

It was a white, fat, fat, white cat.

From New Orleans or something. I'm just saying.
No, cat. I knew it.
I could take a white cat. It was a white, fat, fat white cat.
From New Orleans or something.

I'm just saying.

No, Atlanta.

I think Atlanta.

Atlanta, yeah.

But it was so funny because it was a real thin little black cat.

Yeah.

And it looked like it hadn't eaten in weeks.

Yeah.

And the fat, lumpy white cat just.

And it was lethargic because they had just probably finished.

Yeah.

But then the black cat was sauntered over to me.

Yeah.

Real slowly.

And then he looked at me. he goes what's up I was waiting yeah I know that's perfect if you guys could change your penis into anything what would it be what do you mean like the size or the shape or what do you mean I don't world? Any.
Sky's the limit. I think it would be cool if, you know those block games where you put the square into the square hole, right? Sure.
So if a woman's vagina is like a square and my penis was a square, right? And I could play that game. And then if she has a circle, I have a square, dick, right? We're not meant to.
I still try to jam it in. Yeah, you are.
I was still trying to jam it in, but you know what I mean? I would love for mine to be able to sing. Oh, that's cool.
If I could go, hit it, and he goes Oh. I would love to see like a penis mouth open.
I want to be with you everywhere. I'm like, that's enough, dick.
Oh, that's cool. I like that.
Oh, I'll tell you a dick joke I heard the other day, like an old street joke. This is really fun.
I like this. A guy's going through the woods, going hiking through the woods, and he sees a lamp on the ground, and a genie comes out of it.
And he goes, oh, whoa, whoa, a genie. And he goes, genie goes, all right, you got two wishes, let's go.
And he goes, two? I thought it was always three. What kind of genie only grants two wishes?

And the genie goes, look in your pants.

And he opens his pants. He goes, whoa,

my dick is huge. And the genie goes, yeah,

I've been doing this for a long time.

You like it. He liked the street joke.

I don't understand it.

The first wish every man has is always make my dick bigger. It is? Well, that's the joke.
It is! What would you wish for? What was your three wishes? Your should be dick bigger, by the way. Also, when she said, what would you change about your dick anything, I was hoping was hoping you would just go normal.
That's fucking rude. I'm not saying anything you haven't said.
Can I say something? I haven't said anything you haven't said. You've said.
I know, but I know what I'm working with. Yeah.
All right. And if I'm with a girl and she still wants to stay with me with what I'm working with, you're locked in, baby.
I understand. I don't have a grizzly dick and and that's why they're staying with me, because I have a grizzly dick.
Well, no, why would you want a grizzly dick? I mean, you know. No.
Not like a grizzly bear. Not a hairy...
What is a grizzly dick? You know, like, you know that one black man that died? The meme that they used to use? That guy's dick. Big beefy.
Yeah. Yeah, what was his name? That big guy.
Whatever. All right, what's a three wishes if you had a genie? I'm a genie.
I will grant you three wishes. Do a different voice.
Poof. I'm a grant you three wishes.
That's your first wish, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's my first wish? Yeah. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, go back.
That's your second wish. Oh my God.
You only have two wishes left. All right.
I'd like to be able to freeze time and be able to move around. You cannot add.
Just freeze time. Good, go.
You have one left. And can I move around when I can? No, just freeze time.
That's it. You don't get details.
You don't get details? You don't don't get details Well the third one that would be To fly You know what the hard part is with a genie Because he would grant you the wish to fly Doesn't mean you didn't Doesn't mean how fast or you can land Alright You might just have to fly and fall Holy Yeah. Holy shit, you're right.

Or you could buy an airplane ticket and fly.

Interesting.

That's interesting, too.

Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would your three wishes be?

That's okay.

Three wishes granted.

Go.

True love.

He throws up.

Into the fucking bottle, whatever.

Right in the lamp.

Okay, true love, go.

And a second wish, bring myhood dog Back from the dead Poof Pock pock Cool And third one I just want to have Enough money Like a lot of money Wait Are you sure About your second choice Child Child of dog, just go to the pound.

I already have a dog.

I want the other one.

Charity got the wish.

Yeah.

Rudy, what would yours be, Rudy?

You fucked it up.

Three wishes, Rudy.

Jules, go.

Be rich.

Really, really rich.

Got it.

Invisible.

Wait, you realize you're not asking me to be able to turn.

You're saying you are invisible now.

Got it. You're invisible.
No one gets you you. No one can see you.
Yeah, I want that. You want to be rich and no one can see you.
And then your money, you go to the bank, no one can see you. You can't, you're my fucking money.
Well, I can just steal, right? Why would you have to be rich and then also then still have to steal? Okay, okay, okay, I take it back. You can't take it back.
You can't take it back. You're invisible.
That's not how it works. Yeah.
You're invisible. Also, imagine that.
She had, like, all we see is floating money in your hands. Holy fuck, there's ghostly money floating around.
Okay, okay. Can I take back my one? No.
The third one. That's the whole point.
Well, the third one could be. Please don't be smart for her.
Kill everyone. You shouldn't listen to me.
See? And then I can have all the money. So wait a minute, time out.
So you're invisible. This is how dumb she is.
No one else is on the earth. She's the richest person in the world.
She's invisible and nobody exists. That's insane.
I want that. And all she had, Jessie figured out the whole list.
All she had to do for the third wish was wish that she wasn't invisible all the time. All you do is reverse the wish.
No, but I want to be invisible. Okay, here you are invisible.
Nobody can see you. Doesn't matter because nobody fucking exists.
But you're the richest person on earth that no one can see. You don't exist.
And there's no one on planet earth. And there's no one on planet earth.
Why do you even need money at that point? Yeah. I don't know.
I wasn't thinking. Well, you're fucked.
You're fucked. I hope you don't run into a genie anytime soon yeah and you know what's so weird about that idea that her like her thought process her ideology of this she wanted to be rich but totally alone what would you do with all the money i don't know let's say you're not invisible let's say we make you the richest woman in the world okay what would you do with all the money I'd give some to my family Okay great

Okay get through that

You got all the money i'd give some to my family okay great you go okay get through that you got all the money in the family get a lot of animals yeah but you see you want to be alone and that's still being with somebody so you can't have that you have to be alone you have to be super rich and alone what are you gonna do just sleep all day and get fat no it was epic then no then no, okay. Well, that's what you want.
Yeah, it's really sad

It's making you look look you know, you're wrong, you know, that's not what you want. Who are your road models?

It's hard for you to get a word out these days

It's hard for you to get a word in. It's hard for him to get a word out these days.

Roll, roll, roll.

Roll, roll, roll.

Roll, roll, roll.

Dude, people that just came over today

from China speak better English than English.

You sound like my dog yawning.

Roll, roll, roll, roll, roll.

You know how when immigrants,

they come here back in the day and they change their names, you know what what I mean? Yeah. He'd be rural.
Rural. He gets to the border of the list.
Through generations, Rural is his last name. What's your surname? He's like, Rural.
All right, well done, Rural. And then your great, great, great, congratulations have to explain that fucking bullshit.
Yeah, my great was retarded he got nervous and you know i was thinking in spanish what are you thinking of spanish what was in spanish roll roll who are your role models your role role role models does it have to be like someone famous no your role model can be anybody it can your fucking mom. It could be someone you met years ago that influenced you, that made you feel good.
Can you get me a blanket and pillow for a second? No, stop. Jesus Christ.
My. I meant for you to only want to be rich and fat.
Oh, no.

I was just thinking about myself.

That is your role model?

Yeah.

Kalilah.

Kalilah.

Okay.

And she's not fat.

She always works out. So they say.

That's what they say.

I mean, I don't know.

She's your role model.

Right now.

Okay.

Who else?

No one.

When you were young, who did you look up to? When you were in the Philippines living in that cave and you went outside to go collect berries for the winter, who was your role model? No one. You didn't look up to anybody? No.
Good. And that's why she doesn't want to do anything.
Who was your role model? Probably my dad. My stepdad.
My step my stepdad oh he was a great guy and he just had his life together and i i remember going over to his apartment what and put your fucking hand down i remember going to his apartment and he was like responsible and he you know like he had he had like he had stuff and we didn't really ever have a lot of stuff so i was like this guy's like a cool guy he's got a job he works hard he cares and he was no it was so nice to me he didn't have to be nice to me didn't have to be fucking nice to me he could have been like this lady's kid fuck this kid gives a shit but he was he was nice and he let oh he was super he did that's i said all the time about stepdads and all this shit and i'm not making a joke fucking thank god for all the stepdads that like care about a kid that isn't their fucking kid because that you could have turned out so differently yeah dude because i know a lot of friends of mine who had no relationship and then their stepdads were there my buddy one of my good friends tyler one of my closest best friends from growing up his stepdad was a piece of shit piece of shit didn't pay him two fucking cents of the day. Didn't care about him.
He was like, I already had kids. He would say that to him.
Wow, wow. I already raised kids.
Wow. And he's like, my kids are grown.
I'm not your fucking dad. And why would the mom be with a guy like that? Because she, I don't know.
It's insane. Honestly, but you don't know what she's going through.
But it's like, this kind of stuff happens to people. I can't believe it.
He was so dismissive. It was like, you know, yeah, it was fucked up to up to watch it was like that guy's not fucking nice to you he could be a little bit nicer but he didn't give a shit because he's like it's not my kid yeah sometimes i'm on a dating app and they'll say we have children and you'll see a photo of them with and i look at the kids no thanks yeah yeah yeah they have to be attractive yeah i don't like it you're to be...
That big-headed fucking mongrel. All right, let's be real.
Would you ever date a woman who had a kid? Like, seriously? Yes, 100%. And you think you'd be a Bobby Papa? Papi Baba? I would go to the softball game.
Oh, my God. For her? The daughter plays softball or the son plays softball? Whatever.
Well, if the son plays softball, I wouldn't go. You really? Why? Because, oh, I see.
I'd like baseball or nothing yeah okay i would go to

the games the plays you know i mean if they're at night okay i'm i'm look you're dating my mom all right i'm dating and you're the kid and i'm a little kid right am i driving and i'm eight years old yeah we're driving we're in the car together okay thanks thanks mr lee for taking taking me out to dinner tonight.

Dad.

I can call you dad?

Yeah.

Daddy, thank you so much. taking me out to dinner tonight.
Dad. I can call you Dad?

Yeah.

Daddy, thank you so much.

You're welcome, Jim.

Slim.

Slim?

That's your name?

Slim Jim.

Slim Jim, yeah, yeah.

I'm named after the beef sticks.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Where are we going for dinner, Dad?

We just ate.

We just fucking ate.

But I eat like a hobbit i have two dinners

every night oh that's right that's right you're just like your stepdad yeah we are just alive yeah can i be chinese like you one day uh yeah yeah yeah you can okay let's practice all right so take your fingers here i'll just take the wheel and crash it I'll tell you my role model.

Whoa.

Danny.

You making this up? It looks like you made it up. You sound like you found it.
No, I'll tell you why I paused on the last name. You might have forgot it.
No, it's because you'll see when I tell the story. Okay.
So when I was a junior in high school, I went to this rehab. It was my third one.
It was called the McDonald Center. It was in La Jolla.
Like McDonald's the company, the corporation. I think so.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. And during one of the sessions, like counseling sessions, I go, I've been to AA meetings.
I never see Asians in AA. Because at the time you didn't.
Yeah, kill them Yeah their parents Their parents are like Yeah if their parents Droga Or gay Yeah You're gay Or gay Right They kill you It's terrible So I go There are no Asians in AA I don't think There's alcoholics That are Asian So the next day I get a knock on knock on my, I was in a hospital, and one of the counselors says, we have somebody in the lobby that wants to meet you. And I go in the lobby, and there's this man standing there.
Korean, full Korean. Full Korean.
Full long. Just all the way.
Full long. Yeah, wearing the flag.
All long, white hair. Wow.
Right down to the back of his back. Middle of his back.
Tattoos to his wrists. Whoa.
Right. He looked like Mortal Kombat.
I can't wait. Yeah, Liu Kang.
And he walks up to me and he goes, hey, I'm Dan and I'm your sponsor. Wow.
And I go, and he spoke, he was adopted when he was 12 was 12 came from Korea so he knew Korean so he can communicate with my parents wow right and then Dan my senior the Poway High School said that I had to do an extra year they go because you missed your whole career we know why yeah it's Dan goes, no, no. He went to the school, this guy, and goes, what can we do to get him to graduate with his friends? They go, it's hard.
He has to do a zero period, a lunch period, and night school. And he looks at me and he goes, you're doing all that.
So I did all that. And I graduated with my friends.
Damn. Yeah.
And then, yeah, I mean, he took me to this monastery. And for two weeks, we lived in this monastery.
I swear to God. No, I know, but this part is weird for me.
What? What? You fucked me. How close did you get? Now you pay me back.
No, because in the steps, they talk about meditation and stuff.

So in this monastery, you're not allowed to talk at all.

You can't talk at all?

No one talked.

For how many days?

For like a couple of weeks.

I think Rudy's going to go there.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I remember not talking, meditating. It was like a Buddhist monastery, but it wasn't like a Catholic.
You know what I mean? And I just learned all this stuff from him, you know? Well, the reason why I don't want to say his last name is because of the AA thing. We'll blank it out.
No, you can say Dan and then blank out the last name. That's fine.
Yeah, we can do that. That's revolutionary.
What? That he changed your life life like that have you ever changed somebody's life you think oh yeah through it's your sponsor yeah brian did say that yeah i mean there's a lot of people that i have brought to my meeting i have a meeting uh wednesdays and i've brought a lot of comics that are struggling there. If I showed up, would you be mad?

Yeah.

Why?

You're not an alcoholic.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

He is.

Zoc Doc.

You've been stirring about a health problem you have.

You almost resort to texting your group chat

to get your friends' opinions.

Why would you do that when you have Zoc Doc?

Yeah, come on, man.

We actually had somebody in our crew

who I won't mention who said to me,

hey, can you take a look at this thing for me?

And I did.

And I said, Carlos, everything is gonna be fine.

That's not that big of a deal,

but you shouldn't trust me.

You should do ZocDoc.

Thousands of medical professionals are on ZocDoc.

They're there to help you.

They listen like a friend

and give you the expert care that you need,

not some uneducated advice from your buddy.

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I've used this many times, in fact, because I don't want to go to an urgent care and I don't have time to make an appointment. If it's something small and I say, hey, I just want to speak to someone about something minor, like when I fell and I hit my head and Bobby laughed at me.
I did not laugh. You did laugh, but I called ZocDoc.
Thank God, and they helped me get the help that I needed to eventually have a suggestion for me to go to the ER the next day. Go to ZocDoc.com slash badfriends and download the ZocDoc app for free.
Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours.
That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C.com, Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash badfriends. ZocDoc.com slash badfriends.
Morgan and Morgan. Hey, Andrew, if you were in a car accident, who would you call? Morgan Morgan? Of course, of course.
Right. A lot of people, you know, you want you want injury attorneys to be trustworthy.
Yeah. Right.
And this is that this is a list stuff here. Well, here's the best part about Morgan and Morgan.
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This is a paid advertisement. Who is your role model? I think in the sense of somebody who you aspire to be like, and I'm not just kissing ass, but you guys.
No, stop it. And so it's not so like, like, like like you know anthony jeselnik annie letterman like these people who've taken interest in me and kind of grown me as a comic like i want to be like that for someone else i yeah and and i also think your sobriety is like motivated me to try to like be a better person and it's kind of inspiring that you strive to be better.
She's not getting sober, but she's changing her lifestyle. I see it a little bit, yeah.
I'm pacing myself. Changing a little bit.
In a good way. We had a conversation about it.
And I said, if you think you need to clean out, clean out. There's nothing wrong with that.
And can I say something about you? love is your handling i mean i've been watching from afar and you know there was one show we did where they were still seating people that was really tough in the room oh yeah but you still handle it you know in the most mature way you're becoming a professional and um every night you're just doing so well it is impressive it's impressive and I get to live through you because Andrew and I are jaded yeah let's be honest that's true you know what I mean like sometimes I don't feel anything yeah you know well the first part of the tour was so like party party and it was so fun but this like second and third leg of the tour it's like I just feel really focused I'm just like eating, breathing, sleeping like getting better at stand-up it's the best way to do it coming home doing spots at the store i'm like training new door guys and oh it's great we don't feel nothing but what we feel is we love the fans and we love no we love it yeah you i was being exaggerating i know i know but here's let me let's be honest you want to be honest i want to be honest we've been doing it for a while the moment when you're on stage connecting with the fans nothing it's the greatest thing on my on planet earth yeah and the second you step off it's like it's i want to go back on yeah and then the second it's over or the second we're the morning we're traveling to and all that stuff it's you know i we'll never be able to explain to people at home that listen to the show that whether they care or not what the the reason that people have such highs and lows in our business is because the highs are so high it's unexplainable the way you feel it's crazy it feels fake it feels like you're kind of you're riding the biggest wave ever and it feels like it's never going to end yeah and it's it's a little creepy and what it does to your psyche is something very unique what what i think is is that you know i used to have the business try to fix me so it feels like spiritual because you know you feel like you know these dopamine hits and people you know i mean going oh you're killing it and you know you're around cool people this and that but you what you realize is that it's just fake god fake god yeah it's fake spirituality it doesn't feel like the real thing you know i mean and so what i've what i've had to do is you know look at my life and go, this is what I do for a living and find spirituality and find self-esteem and all these other things that I need outside of that. Find your God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And to really, and to think that like, you know, because, you know, a lot of my fears are like if I lose, you know, you know, like when people try to cancel you and stuff right you feel like you're gonna lose all these things right but then it's like you i got to a point where it's like if those things leave i'm still gonna be good and that's where i want to be because of investments what do you mean because of other i see my money i'm kidding yeah yeah but you understand what I'm saying you understand what I'm saying is that you're right you're right you're right I don't know if I didn't have that maybe no the point is you got comfortable with yourself enough to know that you're always going to be okay regardless of what what life throws at you. Well, I know who I am,

and I know how I feel about myself and the world.

Do you know who you are, Rudy?

No, and I'm stressed out about it. Can we find you?

I feel like we need to help you find yourself.

But it's hard because I feel like

I don't have any interest in anything.

Get interested.

How old are you, though?

21, and it's so hard. I didn't find any interest until I was 23.
But it feels like everyone around me knows who they are. Because everyone around me is much older.
And it takes work. Like I still, I know who I am but I still work every day like to work on myself.
I promise your peers around you your age do not know who they are. But it feels like feels like they're all putting on an act because everybody wants to feel grown up and everybody wants to feel like they've got their life together but all of us at every age none of us have our shit together we're all fledging through the same bullshit trying to pretend like we know what we're doing fancy is a new dad pretending like he's fucking he's got it figured out he doesn't know shit that kid doesn't even fucking like him and he doesn't even know we're all falling through earth we're falling through life i don't give a fuck how old you are the oldest person i've ever met to the young to the young people we're they're all figuring it out we're all fucking liars everyone pretends to be an adult there is no adult it doesn't exist we we make adultism make it but it's not real we pretend to be an adult.
There is no adult. It doesn't exist.
We make adultism but it's not real. We pretend to be an adult.
I literally feel like a kid. You are.
I know I am. That's what's great.
And that's what's great. I'm not 51.
I am. I feel 51.
You do? I feel like I'm much older than you. Yeah.
I used to think everyone on the inside a kid on the inside, but you're not. You're a dad.
I'm a dad. Yeah.
And I'm not a dad, but I'm just an old man. No, no.
Because you tap into your kidness and I've seen it. I do.
So no. No, I do.
You're a kid. I know, but most of the day I'm the old man in the sea.
You're responsible. The only responsible person.
What do you mean? Uh-oh. What do you mean? I'll tell you something'll tell you something i'm here tonight kids i'm here tonight why why because i'm being responsible i had other engagements right and i this is more important and i canceled a bunch of shit because of your fault because you guys you didn't tell me that i had to work tonight.
Right? So who's irresponsible?

Soccer jersey is his fault. It's his fault.
Can you do me a favor?

Yeah. Will you call your assistant on the show

and make up something insane and see if it'll actually

happen? Like what?

Just be like, hey, I need you to go

Oh no, I feel bad.

Go look for band-aids and it's a specific

it's skin and go, hey, I want

skin colored band-aids.

For Asians. Asian skin.
And find them because I know they do. Do they make them? Hello.
Hey, Melanie. Hi.
How are you? Good. How are you? I'm okay.
Not really. I was in a car thing.
Accident. Oh, no.
Yeah. And I got a gouge on my shoulder oh my god yeah and I need um skin colored band-aids okay yellow if they have Asian ones what do they have them because if you give me but if you give me black ones i don't want to look like you know uh denzel like a part of my body to look like denzel oh my gosh no i'll look and see if they have skin colored band-aids but i don't know i'll.
Maybe if you go to Little Tokyo.

It's a gouge.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Well, I can't feel my right side of my body.

Should I go to the hospital?

Oh, my God.

Yes.

But do you think that they have yellow band-aids?

I don't think that that should be your concern.

I think that you should get that, like, stitched.

You're on the podcast.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Do you think they make yellow Band-Aids?

I'm kidding.

I love you, Melanie.

Have fun.

We love you.

What a roller coaster.

Bye. Bye.

I love you.

Bye.

She's the best.

You know why we wanted to see the air? We weren't going to send her on an errand for the people at home. Do you have an assistant? No.
What about a little kid? The reason, McCone is more of your assistant. Let me tell you something.
What we did. You sent him on a wild goose chase and it was kind of fucking hilarious.
We had to leave. Where were we? This was in Jacksonville.
We were trying to leave Jacksonville. And Bobby said, I said, where are you? I called.
I said, where are you, dude? We're leaving soon. And he goes, Bobby said he wanted earplugs really bad.
And Bobby said, I got to go get them. This kid went to five pharmacy locations.
Yep. Ubered around town to find you earplugs.
Yep. Couldn't find them.
And then after not finding them, did find them finally,

then took an Uber, took his like fifth Uber to a hotel

that wasn't our hotel across the river.

Okay.

And we had to pick him up out front.

And I said, how did you end up at this hotel?

And he goes, I didn't know there was more than one Marriott in this city.

Insane.

I know. Yeah.
He's a little slow on the upswing. You get what you pay for.
That's the truth. That is a fact.
That is a fact. I want to say this, all right? Every pharmacy has earplugs.
Every single one. Yes.
Right, Andre? Not the wax kind that you requested. Every single one on planet Earth.
Wait a minute. The foam ones, yes.
You're saying wax kind that you requested every single one on planet earth the foam ones yes you're saying wax specific he requested wax ones every fucking pharmacy has a wax one wax is tough ever since I was 18 years old I've been using fucking wax earplugs I've gone to pharmacies all over the planet earth in Thailand they have it and I found them I got I got there well don't make it so I went to nine different places did you one place let's call I'm gonna call a pharmacy see if they have them all right good I'm gonna call the two around us let's see let's see if he's right thank you for choosing Walgreens this is Kristen how can I help you hey Kristen this is Marcus I'm looking for I terrible, I can't sleep at night and I'm looking for

earplugs and I've been just scouring

the earth to find wax earplugs

like beeswax. Do y'all have wax earplugs?

Wax earplugs?

Let me check for you, sir.

Thank you.

We'll see.

So, we'll see. Because you keep telling me everybody everybody's got them I don't think everybody's got them I'm calling the Walgreens right now just to find out I hope they do they're not called wax ear plugs yeah they are called what would they be called they're called I'm gonna look them up They're called wax earplugs.
No, they're called...

Look at that.

Wax earplugs.

That's what it is.

That's the kind I got you.

Wax earplugs.

Ooh, loop quiet earplugs.

That looks nice.

They're like silicone earplugs.

No, they're wax.

They're moldable.

Silicone is what I wanted.

They're made of wax.

Or silicone. Hi there.
Okay, so we don't carry the wax ones. We carry the foam ones, but we're out of stock.
Uh-huh. So foams are gone as well.
Wait, it's silicone. Oh, what about silicone? Is it no silicone? It's just foam, huh? Right, just foam, but we're out of stock.
You're out of everything anyway. Everyone's got it.
Everyone needs them in their ears, I guess. God damn it.
Thank you. No problem.
sorry. Bye.
No, I'm calling. I gotta tell you something.
No, I'm calling. There's no way.
Not only did they not have them, they didn't even have the foam ones, and I said everyone carries foam. Yeah.
Not everyone carries wax, but everyone carries foam. Let me say something right now.
I don't even believe her. I still don't believe her.
You think she's a liar? Yeah, she's a fucking liar. She sounded like a liar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a fucking liar.
She went like this. Oh, I'll go check.
Yeah, she didn't check. There's no way they don't have it.
Yeah. There's no way they don't have it.
You'd be surprised. No, you're surprised.
I am surprised. You're fired.
You're fired. Yeah.
You're fired. Fucking liar.
But you sent him on a goose chase, and I got to tell you, it was one of the Ten Korean Commandments. And the goose chases will continue.
Yep. No, but you are going to go.
You are going to continue. In fact, the 10 Korean commandments that he bestowed upon you, one of them was to go get a medial task, and that was to go get wax earplugs.
Number two, which you never completed. You know what number two was.
Number two was getting him a spit cup. No.
No, no, no, no. You know what? Small talk.
I fucking hate it. This is him.
How was your meal? Who gives a fuck? He did ask you some really, really fucking stupid shit. Stupid questions.
And also, when I'm not looking at you, stop looking at me. Look at what he's doing right now.
Yeah, I'm at dinner, right? And I look over and McCone's just looking at me. I fucking hate it.
It's fucking, you know what? It's your fault too. You give him caviar.

You gave him caviar. I fucked it up.

I already know I fucked it up. Thank you.

I gave him fucking

AirPods. I got him fucking

caviar. Caviar.
And then, um, yeah,

I fucked you up, dude. You should

never be like this.

We did fuck you up, and I'm sorry about it.

And I will say this. It's been

amazing having Rudy back in the studio.

Do we need her back ever again?

Yes. I'm not sure.
Yes.

Okay, yes. Yes.
Don't fucking

wince at me, buddy. Don't wince at me.

I asked you to maybe bring a story.

Bring a story, I said.

I told you all the stories

on the last episode.

I'm out of fuel already.

What was the story from the last episode? The shooting. What shooting? What shooting? And what kind of gun is this? Wait a minute.
What shooting story? What are you talking about? The guy that threatened to shoot the school. Oh, yeah.
Great story. You brought trauma to the show.
Not like, hey, a cool thing happened to me. There's not a story from your homeland that you can tell like a folklore.
Give us an old lore. Yeah, an old wives tale.
Give me a folklore. Well.
Here we go. What about the island? Isn't there an island in the Philippines? There's so many islands.
What are you talking about? Let me finish what I'm fucking saying. Like this.
There's 7,000 islands. I know.
But isn't one of the islands with witches and stuff? It's not an island.

It's part of Cebu. And Sikihore is the name.
Sikihore. Hell yeah.
That was one of my girlfriend's nicknames. And she had lesions on her fucking snatch.
It's like a three-hour drive from my home. And then when you go there, they say there's a lot of witches.
witches and then that's where you get like people to heal you if you're sick or if you're feeling like wait is that Kalilah? that's a sicky whore witch? uh huh oh wow by the way she looks like a sicky whore witch She's just smoking a blunt Out of a coconut That's a dope rap name

Yeah yeah

Sickie whore witch

In this motherfucker

Yeah look at her

Well I'm glad

Thank you for the information

About sickie whore witches

Look at them

Look at what's

What's in her hand

Probably sick

Tell us what that is

On her hand

Alcohol and beads

Yeah

Carlos knows all too well

About alcohol and beads

Yeah

You know what

You know what for punishment

Carlos

What I would like, actually? This is fun. Here's a bit for the crowd.
And I'm dead serious about this. Wait, punishment for what? Huh? Punishment for what? Pick one.
You know what I mean? At this point, pick one, bud. Yeah.
Can we just knock out two at once? No. No.
I'm dead serious For the San Diego show. Not kidding even a little bit.
When you get to San Diego, when you're on the side stage, before we call you out to say hello, I want you to put anal beads in your butt and on the live show, Bobby and I are going to rip them out okay okay okay does that hurt i've never done it juicy we're gonna make it and i don't want bullshit marble anal beads i want sizable ones and the fun the deeper it is the funnier it is if it's one bead it's not i'm not gonna do one we gotta got to hear 15. So I have to like clean out my asshole first, right? No.
No. Okay, okay.
Yeah. But I'm dead serious.
If there's less than 10 beads in there, fired. I want the beads to be white.
No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The beads have to be white. We want to see the difference.
I'm just telling you, you better get to stuffing. And you should be at home practicing.
Yeah, I was going to say I have to practice. Yeah, I wouldn't do that for the first time.
What would happen if you put a firecracker in your anus and lit it on fire? Let's try it with Carlos. Yes.
Whatever it is. Would you do that? No.
Why? That sounds dangerous. Johnny Knoxville would do it.
Yeah, Johnny would do it. Yeah, don't you want to be like Johnny Knoxville? Don't you want to be Johnny Knoxville? All right, fine.
I would probably do it. That a boy.
McCone would do something like that. McCone, we're going to light a firework in your asshole.
That's Korean. Oh, he's down.
I think you would blow your asshole apart. Well, let's do an M80.
Oh, my God. What's an M80? It's like a half a stick of dynamite.
So much. We can Wiley Coyote it on the other side.
I think it's a quarter stick. It's what an M80 is.
So fun. Dude, M80s are fucking brutal.
So fun. Because they say if you hold an M80 and your hand will blow up.
Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Blow your hand right off.
Look at that thing. Probably finding an asshole, though.
Yeah, for sure. Those things are resilient.
What about a Roman candle? And then he could shoot it out of his asshole. That's what we should do at the amphitheater in San Diego is Roman candles out of your butt because that's not unsafe for the other side.
Let's 100% get those, please. You can put one end in your butt, the other end shoots out.
You sure you don't want to go to San Diego? It's obviously a fire hazard, but I would do it anyway. No, we're outside.
You know, some states are lucky. They sell fireworks.
California does not. Yeah, it's illegal here.
It's illegal. You can go to Nevada, right? Doesn't Nevada have fireworks? Yeah, but usually like in Compton or something on 4th of July, you can get them.
Whoa. What are you saying? What are you saying? What are you saying? I've got them there on 4th of July.
That's why. You go to Compton for fireworks? I went to Drew League one year and it was down there on 4th of July and I grabbed fireworks from some black kids kids i paid the money why did you have to put the last part in there yeah yeah why you have to call

him kids yeah well not everyone lives in compton but yeah no i just want to add more color to the

can you imagine how hard they would roast him you know when he goes down to compton no i feel like

he would they would know him what do you think carlos oh carlos is here yeah anal beat carlos

is here man no i do head nods at people abc anal beat there come ABC oh you do head nods I do head nods yeah yeah let me see a head nod so him and I are at us 13 sure we're at a red light we're at a red light what's up bro what's up bro yo what up well I don't take it how do you feel about it I don't know I'm a little? I don't know. I'm a little shaky.

Where are you from, dog?

I live in West Hollywood.

Are you gay?

No.

The uh.

Why the uh, dog?

No, you know, because sometimes you don't ever know. No, we don't know.

Got you.

No, I think gangsters, they like me.

Yeah, I think gangsters like me.

Who, me? I'm pretty sure gangsters like me.

Let me see if my what-up's good.

You guys are a hardcore gang.

You too.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, don't let me hear you.

Yeah, you are.

What?

Oh, you look nervous.

No, because they were confused.

That's what happens.

They try to confuse you.

You're going to say something.

You're the gang.

No, we don't.

We're the gang.

You're supposed to say it.

No, because we said... Stay in character.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What's up? What up? I just asked you what's up. How's my what up? Okay.
Oh, sorry. Who's this? You have a gun? No, it's just my fingers.
I'm just pointing at him. Oh, it is.
Bra, bra, you mute?

Bra, bra.

Bra, bra.

Bra, you mute?

She asked you a question.

He just went to mine school, dog.

There he is.

That's pretty good, actually.

So should we stab these guys?

All right, everybody.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Yeah. Woo.