Ooh La La!

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 bad friends. We got more dates for the fall.
We got game. We got game.
And we got shows coming up. We got shows in the fall.
So look, we shifted some shows.

Speaker 1 We added a second show Saturday, September 16th in Mun Hall PA. Picked up.
Oh, hell.

Speaker 1 Then Friday, October 6th. October 6th, we're going to be in Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston, Massachusetts. Then October 21st, we're going to be in Washington, D.C.
I've heard of it.

Speaker 1 And then October 28th, we're going to be in Belco Theater at Denver College. That's my favorite Belco of all the Boston.

Speaker 1 And then Friday, November 24th, we are at the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah.
And then the 25th of November, we go to Chicago Theater in the hotel.

Speaker 1 Where the creatures are. And then November 30th, we're in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Speaker 1 I got molested. And then Friday, December 1st, we're at the Orpheum in Madison, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 More days are coming. But that second show added in Monhall, Boston, D.C., Denver, Milwaukee, Chicago, Minneapolis, Madison.
Let's go.

Speaker 1 Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.
And here's the deal. Here's the deal.

Speaker 1 The pre-sale for the artist pre-sale is Wednesday. Starts this Wednesday, June 21st at 10 a.m.
Oh, that's good. And it goes until Thursday, June 22nd.
Password is bad friends. Bad friends.

Speaker 1 Bad friends.

Speaker 1 And then it's all on sale on Friday, but try to get those tickets Wednesday, June 21st at 10 a.m.

Speaker 1 Password is bad friends. Go to

Speaker 1 badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 It's an old Korean tune.

Speaker 1 That's about the little boy that died in the well? Yes, yes, yes. Love that song.
Yeah, it's a good song, right? You know what happened? You know what was down in the well.

Speaker 1 A girl. That's right.
And this is the story about why you shouldn't ever chase women because you end up dying in a well. And that's what's unfortunately the truth about life.

Speaker 1 You go after women, you end up dying in a well, Bob. You got to be careful, Bob.
She drink a lot of ginger beer. She did.

Speaker 1 She did.

Speaker 1 Way too much ginger. If you drink too much ginger beer, it's not good.
Well, you end up in a well. You end up in a well.
You know what happens when you drink too much ginger beer, right? You get

Speaker 1 diabetes. You do? Because of the sugar.
And then what happens, the whole town puts you in a well. Right.
And then they go, well, the ginger.

Speaker 1 You know what happens is you get too fat from the ginger beer, from the diabetes, and they put you down there, and you look up and you go, why? And they go, well,

Speaker 1 well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting.
Okay, let's start the show. Here we are today back in the studio.
Oh, good to see. Rudy Jules is back.

Speaker 1 She's on her phone. She's got a brand new phone, a big iPhone 14 Plus, the Max Plus.
Good to see. Good to see.
Someone's rich. Someone's rich.
Good to see. Good to see.
Good to see you, Jules.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday. Thank you.
It's your birthday. It was.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We're back. We're back.
Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.
Thank you. Sing it in Tagalog.
Sing it in Tagalog or whatever. I could do it.
Come on, you guys.

Speaker 1 Do you guys have your own happy birthday melody?

Speaker 2 In Tagalog, but I

Speaker 2 speak Cebuano. It's different.

Speaker 1 Then speak Cebuano.

Speaker 2 But there's no song.

Speaker 1 Wait, are you saying Sabarro, like the pizza place? Yeah. Is that where it's from? Is the Philippines? Exactly.
That's why it's not good. That's why I taste like wood.
No, it's good. Sabaro's good.

Speaker 1 Is it good? It's really good. Do you like Sabaro?

Speaker 2 Yeah, in the Philippines. I always go there.

Speaker 1 So funny. I was right.
It is from the Philippines.

Speaker 1 What do you get there? What Sabaro pizza do you get? Bat pizza? What do you get down there?

Speaker 2 No, I not the pizza. I get the

Speaker 1 bat pizza with with balut. I say pizza.
That's a huge pizza. Have you seen their bats? They're huge.
Yeah, we've talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I get the white pasta.

Speaker 1 Isn't that funny then? You hate white things, but you like the white pasta. It's really creamy.
That's why I like it. Oh, what's also creamy? White guys.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Creamy white guys.

Speaker 1 Sing, sing happy birthday to her. Sing, sing.

Speaker 2 I don't know the Cebuano.

Speaker 1 Would you never have a fucking birthday?

Speaker 2 But we just sing it in English.

Speaker 1 Stealing from us again. Steal, steal.
Steal, steal, steal. Yeah.
Do you guys have like a Christmas song? Because the Mexicans have the Caliz Navidal. That's one of my favorite ones.
We have. They do.

Speaker 1 There's ghosts. I can't believe we didn't die.

Speaker 1 Another year we didn't die.

Speaker 1 Next year we might die.

Speaker 1 But this year we didn't die.

Speaker 1 That's the film. But it's more like this.
This year we didn't die.

Speaker 1 It's more like that. It's more like that.

Speaker 2 Visual ghosts.

Speaker 1 This year we didn't die.

Speaker 1 Next year we might die.

Speaker 1 All right, well, it was her birthday. If it's my birthday, say something in your language that says happy birthday.
Not the song, but just what would you say?

Speaker 1 Way too much. So much.
Way too much.

Speaker 1 Call the government, condemn. She's like starting up a plane.
She's like,

Speaker 1 Way too much. Too much.

Speaker 2 That's happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's just, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So, um, you had a great birthday.

Speaker 2 I had an amazing birthday.

Speaker 1 What did Andrew do for you?

Speaker 2 Andrew extended my trip in Orlando and my hotel so I could stay at the resort with his sister and her best friend, Stacey. That's right.
Shout out, Katie and Stacey.

Speaker 1 Shout out my sister and Stacey. Well, both of my.
They're kind of both my sisters, but we had a good time in Orlando. You guys got to stay by the pool.
You were drinking. Wait, did you go?

Speaker 1 I said go out for dinner.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dinner and drinks? Girls' night out.
It was awesome. Your sister.
You paid for it.

Speaker 1 I did?

Speaker 2 The ladies paid for it. You paid for all of our drinks at the pool.

Speaker 1 Wait, Wait, the ladies didn't put the. So they paid for the dinner? Yeah.
Oh, that's very nice. What did I pay for?

Speaker 2 You got me breakfast and you called me. I did call you, didn't you? You called me at 2 a.m.

Speaker 1 And I said happy birthday again. What is the soccer shirt you're wearing today? Oh, it's just because it gets a little cool here, and I want to be able to sweat through something.

Speaker 1 You know nothing about it. You know why it gets cold in here? Because you fucking weigh 100 pounds and you eat Caesar salads.
You should eat a meal once in a while. I'm trying to be trim.

Speaker 1 I'm 36 years old. It's easy to gain weight.
36 years old, how much do you weigh?

Speaker 1 135. And how tall are you? 5'7 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 I weigh 180. I'm 5'3.

Speaker 1 That's not even a joke. I know.
That is funny. It's insane.
How much do you think I weigh? I weighed today. I'm kind of bummed.
Two.

Speaker 1 Wow. Do I look fat?

Speaker 2 No, you're trimmed, muscle.

Speaker 1 202 pounds. That's great.
I'm 202.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. But it is, but I do feel fit.
I'm just, I am going to the gym more, but I feel fat.

Speaker 1 It sounds fat. When I hear 202 pounds, that sounds like a lot of weight.

Speaker 2 I think I'm like 150 pounds.

Speaker 1 That's fine. Carlos weighs less than me.
Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 Carlos is sick. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here and body. Yeah.
You know, if you told me you had a terminal illness,

Speaker 1 my response, let's say I have a terminal. Andrew, tell me right now.
Hey, Andrew, I have a terminal illness. I know.
Yep. I would just say I know.
Really?

Speaker 1 We've been thinking it's been coming for a long time. We think you're hiding it from us.
No, of course not. I would tell you guys anything.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 This feels like one of those, the Black Panther guy thing where you're hiding it and nobody knows. That's like too noble for me to die in.
What was his name? Chadwick Bozer? Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 That poor guy, and he hid it from everyone. You would tell everyone, you would scream it from the raptors.
You look iron carpenter without the talent. That's so mean.
But that's what you look like.

Speaker 1 You know who you look like? Crosby still is a Nash? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right as he was going bald. That's exactly what you look like.
Right, right. That's exactly what you look like.

Speaker 1 Crosby still, you'd be and.

Speaker 1 In that man, you'd be and Amber Sand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's talk about Rudy Jules. What's been going on in your little world?

Speaker 1 Nothing. Oh, fuck.
I'm so happy you're came.

Speaker 1 And I, and I, because she's coming to Riverside Show, and I called her on boyfriend. Is he coming? And I go, make sure, do everything you can to come and bring Rudy.

Speaker 1 He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it. You know what I mean? And

Speaker 1 now he's not coming. Why doesn't he not like me?

Speaker 2 No, he has to work.

Speaker 1 That's why. Where does he work?

Speaker 2 The pharmacy, Walgreens.

Speaker 1 How much did he get paid that night? I don't know. The pharmacy, Walgreens.
He works at the pharmacy? Yeah. What does he do?

Speaker 2 Pharmacy tech.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? He just stocks pills? Is he a pillboy? That's a patriot. Can he get us pills?

Speaker 2 I've been telling him to get me Ozempic.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 That's a weight loss drug. Why would you need it? Why would you need that?

Speaker 2 Because I need it.

Speaker 1 How are you doing that?

Speaker 2 Just in case I get really, really fat.

Speaker 1 No, you don't. I got to tell you, this is smart planning.
It's pretty good. Because she's not fat now.
She's not getting fat now, but she knows at some point she will be fat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because you know that, and I know that. You've seen what happens in the Philippines.
At some point,

Speaker 1 they just balloon up. Although your mom was really big.
Big, and now she's small because of

Speaker 1 Ozempic. Yeah.
Occentric?

Speaker 1 Because she's eccentric. Yeah, yeah.
Ozempic. We got to get you some Ozempic so you can lean out.
Can I be on Ozempic?

Speaker 1 You don't. You don't need it.
Why? Because

Speaker 1 I think it would trigger you.

Speaker 2 A drug frenzy? It's a gateway drug.

Speaker 1 I think it would put you in a place where you want other. Because what it does to you, right, it suppresses your appetite.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what is that going to do? It's the only thing you live for.

Speaker 1 It's the only thing you crave. That's the only thing.

Speaker 1 I talked to Jarvis today. I had lunch with Jarvis, who says hi.
Brian Jarvis? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And we talked about it, we got salt and straw ice cream afterwards because I love that stuff so fucking good. It's

Speaker 1 like annoying. Every time I pass one, I go, I should stop by.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you do that with your hand.

Speaker 2 Because he's flaming.

Speaker 1 I'm gay. Yeah.
Big deal. It's my month.
Exactly. So listen,

Speaker 1 it is my month.

Speaker 1 We missed the Comedy Store parade thing. With the, what, the, it's just, it's in Justin Martindale's asshole.
It's just the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Everyone just comes out of it. That's where the parade is.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't find it.
It's a microphone. It's in his butthole.
The microphone moves up and down.

Speaker 1 They crank a mic in and out of his butthole. That's the, you know, that's the moving part.
Yeah. No, but I, I, we talked about you and I said, he orders the same thing.

Speaker 1 He does a lot of desserts and a lot of appetizers. And I said, well, you said to me, you said, I'm an addict.
This is my only vice. You got to let me have this.

Speaker 1 And I did say to you, I said, You're right. And I agree with that.
And you're right. Because you're like, This is all I have.
So imagine on Ozempe, your appetite's suppressed. What do you have?

Speaker 1 If you don't have food, what do you got? Elven ring.

Speaker 1 You're gonna be. Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 I have something to say. Tito Bobby doesn't eat a lot.
He buys a lot of food, but he doesn't eat a lot.

Speaker 2 So I think he'll be fine.

Speaker 1 I don't, I don't miss you on this show.

Speaker 1 That's a true point, though.

Speaker 1 It's a partial truth. Here's the deal.

Speaker 1 He eats often, small things, but all the time, right? Like when we were together multiple times, I picked him up when we were in St. Petersburg.
I said, Where are you?

Speaker 1 He said, I'm at this little cafe getting breakfast. And I said, Well, I'm going to go to this other cafe that the valet recommended.
He goes, Good, I could eat again. So I picked him up.

Speaker 1 He ate a meal. No, I'm like a hobbit that's a second breakfast.
Yeah, but then you ate a third breakfast.

Speaker 1 You ate three. Hobbits sometimes do that.
I think hobbits are only two.

Speaker 1 Search, how many breakfasts do hobbits usually eat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think two is max.
You had three. But there's two dinners.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you also get two dinners.

Speaker 1 How many lunches, though? You could skip a lunch. I don't know.

Speaker 1 According to the books, it's six traditional Hobbit mealtimes. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Six in a day, dude.

Speaker 1 So two, four, six, or three, three.

Speaker 1 Oh, three, one, two. I do three, one, two, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, seven. This one says seven z's.
Brodo does it. Exactly.
Breakfast, second breakfast, 11 Z's, lunch and afternoon tea.

Speaker 1 11 Z's is what I do. 11 Z's.
I think yours are 12 Z's, to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. They're a little bit more.
Yeah. No, but they eat a lot.
But you cannot get on. Please don't get on Ozempic.
I have to do it. I have to lose weight.
No, because look at the side effects.

Speaker 1 What? It's like, it's insane. People that have gone on this, I've heard a few horror stories.
I'm not going to lie. What are the side effects?

Speaker 1 I'll see if I can deal with this. I love that it says possible.
Nausea, diarrhea, stomach, abdominal.

Speaker 1 I have those already. Vomiting, constipation.

Speaker 1 Smeglatude. The biggest side effect is smeglatude.
What's smeglitude?

Speaker 2 I hate when I get that.

Speaker 1 That's actually what Ozempic is. What's smeglatude? It can cause side effects some people are unable to tolerate.
Nausea, vomiting, and constant diarrhea.

Speaker 2 That's how you lose weight?

Speaker 1 By the way, the original name of Ozepic is called smeglitude.

Speaker 1 Smeglatude, like shmegma, inflammation of your pancreas, changes in vision, low blood sugar, kidney problems, kidney failure, serious allergic gallbladder problems, hypoglycemia.

Speaker 1 Dude, pancreatitis, you want to fuck it. You want to have...
Your pancreas stop working?

Speaker 1 That's like a 1% of the people. No, it's not.
I'm sure it's much higher than that.

Speaker 1 Dude, what percentage of Ozepic users have side effects? What percentage of Ozepic users have side effects? And I'm telling you, it's more than you think.

Speaker 1 Users have side effects. 16%.

Speaker 1 Nausea occurs. 20% of people, 16%.

Speaker 1 You're getting diarrhea and nausea from this, dude. I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you. Well, I mean, could you try it? And then, like, if the diarrhea comes, it's too much.
I can go, I'm going to stop. Yeah, but you won't want to stop.
You know you. You'll keep going.

Speaker 1 I love it. Yes.
I love that. You'll feel good.
You'll be losing weight.

Speaker 1 your stomach your tummy will be flat yo i want to look good babe so do i but then why don't you just get on a little bit of an exercise rubber donuts me too don't be great what's your what's the one breakfast item you cannot live without like if they're like a we're well i'll tell you what i get every time if there's like a pastry basket

Speaker 1 fuck man give it give it give it oh yeah we had that it was i know dude did we not do that yeah i've never seen that before we had cinnamon roll muffins oh yeah where do we have that in st.

Speaker 1 Petersburg at that

Speaker 1 oh my second breakfast yeah your second breakfast yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 at the um at the biscuit place oh my god oh my lord they had but they made homemade biscuits and he's got biscuit and gravy it was delicious yeah yeah and then they go but you guys know we make this homemade cinnamon muffin and I was like a cinnamon roll muffin no it's a biscuit I'm sorry cinnamon roll biscuit okay and he was like yeah yeah it's the inside swirled and filled biscuit yeah and then the outside is as crispy and flaky as a biscuit with cinnamon sugar layers in between wait what was the restaurant we went we had a dessert at a restaurant where it was a cinnamon roll but inside in the middle was not cinnamon roll.

Speaker 1 St. Petersburg.

Speaker 2 That was also St. Petersburg.
You went to that place twice.

Speaker 1 And what's the place called? I don't remember. Oh, yeah.
Cow. No, that's Jacksonville.
Cow. No.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Jacksonville.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Cowabunga. Not Cowabunga.
Yeah, not Baba. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Leonardo was in the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hey, man, I'm Bart Simpson.
I'll be your server. Cowford's or something.

Speaker 1 Cowford. Cowford.
Cowford chop house. That's what it's called.
Really good. I ate there twice.
Yeah, it was good.

Speaker 2 It was really good. That best service I've ever seen, too.
I felt kind of guilty.

Speaker 1 All right, let's stop plugging this place. What are we doing? What are we giving them free ad space? No, but can we talk about the service? Fuck that.
No, that was amazing. The service was amazing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the whole thing was incredible.

Speaker 2 It was like 30 people.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes we go, some towns we go,

Speaker 1 it feels like a big deal.

Speaker 1 Sometimes, no.

Speaker 1 Sometimes they're mad we're there. Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Sometimes they're like, you guys couldn't go anywhere else? Yeah, Jacksonville felt like

Speaker 1 a big deal. Yeah.
But Orlando did not. Yeah, because it's fucking Orlando.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Will Trump us every fucking thing. Yeah, but they did tell us.
You can't fuck with Trump. But they did tell us, they took us into

Speaker 1 the John Lennon room. That was cool.
Oh, they did. And we saw the piano signed by all these legends.
That was pretty fucking amazing. Do you like John Lennon, Rudy?

Speaker 1 Imagine if you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm okay.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. You don't like him? No.
Do you know who he is? What band did he sing for her? Beatles. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Do you know all the members of the Beatles?

Speaker 2 No. She gulped.

Speaker 1 She gulped. Can you name some of them?

Speaker 2 John Lennon. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Easy one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The one that has a weird voice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, weird voice. What's his name?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? You know who she's talking about.

Speaker 2 The lead.

Speaker 1 I think you're thinking of John Lennon.

Speaker 2 The one that I always see in the middle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's his name?

Speaker 1 Come on, we can help you. Jim?

Speaker 2 Not Jim. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Jim. Well, Jim is in the band.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jim. Ma.

Speaker 1 Ma.

Speaker 1 Jim Mahoney. Jim Mahoney.
Ah!

Speaker 2 Wait, say it again.

Speaker 1 Jim Mahoney.

Speaker 1 Ma.

Speaker 1 Ma.

Speaker 2 It's not Jim Mahoney.

Speaker 1 Okay, so good. That's good.
No, no, this is good. This is good.
So I'm going to give you the right

Speaker 1 Paul. Paul McCartney.

Speaker 1 Paul McCarthy?

Speaker 1 Or McCartney. Is it McCartney, McCarthy, or McCarthy?

Speaker 1 McCarthy. Yep, Paul McCarthy.

Speaker 1 McCourtney. McCarthy.

Speaker 1 Paul McCarthy. Paul McCourney.
Ah, Paul McCourtney.

Speaker 2 From the Beatles.

Speaker 1 From the Beatles. Good old Paul McCarthy from the Beatles.

Speaker 1 And at the John Lennon room, that was great. They had the piano, some drawings.
There was a little Asian lady sweeping up. It was Yoko.
It was Yoko was there.

Speaker 1 It was great. Pick up your feet.

Speaker 1 Pick up your feet now. And she would sweep under each footstep.
Pretty inefficient.

Speaker 2 She's the one that broke the band.

Speaker 1 She's the one that broke the bone. Oh, so you know little tidbits.
A little bit. What are you picking at your face? My pimple.
No, good. Stop doing it while you're on camera.

Speaker 1 Can you save it until you get home?

Speaker 2 No, it's annoying.

Speaker 1 We all have pimples. It's okay.
It'll come and it'll go.

Speaker 1 How's the Dean's job so far?

Speaker 1 It's fine. Yeah.
Still doing it. It's boring.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's the Dean job?

Speaker 1 She works at the Dean's office.

Speaker 2 I thought you were working at the bookstore. No, it's a different one.

Speaker 1 Damn. She never got that job.

Speaker 1 You put her in the back.

Speaker 2 But quick promotion to the dean's office. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I liked on tour? The NFL players.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tampa Bay Buccaneers came to say hello to us. That was pretty cool.
That was fucking really rad.

Speaker 1 Very good guys. Who else was there?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Mario came. Yeah, Mario Lopez came.
Which is incredible.

Speaker 1 With his schedule, I'm surprised he showed up. He did Mario Lopez come.
He likes us. I guess he said he was a huge fan.

Speaker 1 I didn't mind it.

Speaker 3 Have you ever met him, Mario Lopez?

Speaker 1 No, and I feel like I never will. He's one of those guys I feel like I'll never sit down with.

Speaker 1 He's always at Sebastian Manoscalco's party. That sounds right.
But he never, like, I'm never around him. No, he kind of floats.
He kind of floats on his own.

Speaker 1 Is there any new anime you're watching?

Speaker 2 No, I'm kind of like...

Speaker 1 You're over it. What's been going on in your life, Rudy?

Speaker 2 I'm just going to school, work,

Speaker 2 sleep, eat. That's it.

Speaker 1 American dream. Yeah, that is kind of the American dream.
You didn't have to work hard. Well, you went on a picnic

Speaker 1 theater

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, where's he from?

Speaker 1 Your boyfriend. Yeah.
So you're over a year now. Wait a minute.
He took you to a little picnic. Was it for your one-year anniversary?

Speaker 2 No, he just stopped by and then we went.

Speaker 1 Does he tell you he's going to do stuff like that, or he just surprises you?

Speaker 2 Sometimes he surprises me.

Speaker 1 Was this a surprise? Yeah. So he says, I've got a basket full of stuff for us to go.
He doesn't have an accent. Well, I want him to.
Okay.

Speaker 2 He was born here.

Speaker 1 So?

Speaker 3 So he doesn't have an accent.

Speaker 1 You were born here. He has an accent.
I'll have a little bit of accent. See?

Speaker 1 Just a little bit. Fancy has an accent.
He was born here. No.

Speaker 1 Yes, he was.

Speaker 2 He told me he had a visa coming here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got a visa. I know.

Speaker 1 When you meet his wife, you think, what was in it for her?

Speaker 1 She had to get this guy legalized here.

Speaker 1 She had to put up with him and have a baby with this guy. I know a girl that's...

Speaker 1 What was in it for her? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine his wife spreading his. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 what in his thigh and just kissing that little no man's land right there, and him going, ooh, la la.

Speaker 1 Say ooh la la.

Speaker 1 Ooh la la.

Speaker 1 How creepy is that? That's French, though. Yeah.
What would the Spaniard say if you kissed his taint? He would say the French one. Yeah, you'd be like, say oo la la.
Yeah, ooh la la with an accent.

Speaker 1 Do you make weird noises when you're making love? Of course. Who doesn't? I don't.

Speaker 1 You're completely silent. You're quiet when you have sex.
Yeah, I have my ninja mask and everything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I have the fucking swords. You know what I mean? Well, those clang together.
That's what I heard that other night in the hotel. What? Just two swords.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So you make noises? Of course.

Speaker 1 Can you record them? Sure. That'd be great.

Speaker 1 How funny would that be? Hearing fancy sex noises. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 This is great. I am great.

Speaker 1 I am coming. But it's all about him.
He doesn't say anything. He's like, I'm the best.
I am in a good position now.

Speaker 1 This a lie.

Speaker 1 It's been, you know, I got to tell you, it's been a weird, wobbly time since I've been home. I felt so disconnected because I feel like we're home and then we got to go.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I don't feel much going on. You've been doing spots.

Speaker 1 I haven't done any. You're doing tonight.
Tonight I am. Yeah, yeah.
But I haven't since we've been back. No.
I went and visited the dogs. I needed to see the dogs.
I saw that online. How was that?

Speaker 1 They were real nice. I mean, they just get so excited to see me.
And

Speaker 1 all of them just lay on my head. It's heartbreaking, actually.
Because all you have is the cats of the house. Yeah.
And the cats don't know who I am. Right.
So it's a completely different

Speaker 1 experience. Who do they think you are? I don't know, but Bojo, the fat one,

Speaker 1 he's just,

Speaker 1 he's always like, where am I?

Speaker 1 Like, he doesn't know what's going on. Is he concussed? No, he's just...
I think he's dumb. You think he's an idiot? Yeah, he just wanders in a circle and he looks at me like for the first time.

Speaker 1 He's never seen me before. Maybe he needs an assistant.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
That is what

Speaker 1 is wonderful.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 So you're just saying

Speaker 1 assistant right now? Is that what you're doing? No.

Speaker 1 What are you saying? Some people needed, you know, help to work on assistant. Oh, so you're saying I'm like Bojo.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, Bojo is Bobby Jr.
That's why you call him Bojo. Yeah, that is the name, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is kind of right on the money.
Kind of right on the money, right?

Speaker 1 But watch your fucking mouth.

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Speaker 1 Bespoke post!

Speaker 1 You guys, you know, I love bespoke posts. I love bespoke posts.
I love

Speaker 1 Box of Awesome. That's a Box of Awesome right there.
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We walked past two cats last what, two nights ago.

Speaker 1 We take neighborhood, like nighttime neighborhood walks, and all I hear from across the street, like behind the bush,

Speaker 1 love,

Speaker 1 love, and I was like, oh, are they smashing? They're fucking? Yeah. And oh, wow, wow.

Speaker 2 Well, cats have razors on their days. You hear about this? Sorry?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, hooks.
Hooks. So it hurts.
So it hurts. So it hurts.
Yeah. I thought they were erasers.

Speaker 2 Well, feral cats have razors.

Speaker 1 Wait, so their penises have little hooks on them? Oh, yeah. And it hooks the.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, you know what you're fucking with? There's little razor dicks. Yeah, they have like a little, look at that.
So that's why when they're having, it goes, ow, wow, wow. Yeah.
My vaginal walls. Ow.

Speaker 1 But I go to the bush, and one cat is so fucking fat. Like, we thought they were strays.
One was huge. How big? No identification on it.
No identity.

Speaker 1 So neither of them, I thought they were just strays. How big? Yeah.
So big. How big was it? I'll tell you how big it was.
It was bigger than about a bass.

Speaker 1 And it was huge. And the other one was real thin.

Speaker 1 And that was the guy. That was the boy.
And I thought, look at you. Look at you.

Speaker 1 And it was a black cat. I knew it.
I could take it.

Speaker 1 It was a white, fat, fat, white cat.

Speaker 1 From New Orleans or something.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, no, Atlanta. I think Atlanta.
Atlanta. But it was so funny because it was a frail, thin little black cat.
Yeah. I mean, it looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the fat, lumpy white cat just, and it was lethargic because they had just probably finished.

Speaker 1 But then the black cat sauntered over to me real slowly.

Speaker 1 And then he looked at me and he goes, what's up?

Speaker 1 I was waiting. I was waiting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that's perfect. That's perfect.

Speaker 2 If you guys could change your opinions into anything, what would it be?

Speaker 1 Well, I think that.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Like the size of the shape, or what do you mean? I don't know. Magic.
Anything in the world?

Speaker 2 And sky's the limit.

Speaker 1 I think it would be cool if, like, you know, those block games where you put the square into the square hole, right? Sure. So if a woman's vagina is like a square and my piece was a square, right?

Speaker 1 And I could play that game. And then if she has a circle, I have a square, dick, right?

Speaker 1 We're not meant to. I'd still try to jam it in.
Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 I was trying to jam it in, but you know what I mean? I would love for mine to be able to sing. Oh, that's like

Speaker 1 a hike agreement. Hit it, and he goes, oh,

Speaker 1 just, I would love to see like a penis mouth open. I want to be with you everywhere.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool. I like that.
Oh, I'll tell you a dick joke I heard the other day, like an old street joke. This is really fun.
I like this.

Speaker 1 A guy, a guy's going through the woods, going hiking through the woods, and

Speaker 1 he sees a lamp on the ground, and a genie comes out of it. And he goes, oh, whoa, whoa, a genie.
And he goes, genie goes, all right, you got

Speaker 1 two wishes. Let's go.
And he goes, two? I thought it was always three.

Speaker 1 What kind of genie only grants two wishes? And the genie goes, look in your pants. And he opens his pants.
He goes, whoa, my dick is huge.

Speaker 1 And the genie goes, yeah, I've been doing this for a long time.

Speaker 1 You like it. He liked the street joke.

Speaker 1 I don't understand it.

Speaker 1 The first wish every man has is always make my dick bigger.

Speaker 1 It is?

Speaker 1 Well, that's the joke.

Speaker 1 It is. What would you wish for? What was your three wishes? Yours should be dick bigger,

Speaker 1 by the way. Also, when she said, what would you change about your dick anything, I was hoping you would just go normal.

Speaker 1 Whoa,

Speaker 1 that's fucking rude. I'm not saying anything you haven't said.

Speaker 1 Can I say something? I haven't said anything you haven't said.

Speaker 1 You said. I know, but I know what I'm working with.
Yeah. All right? And if I'm with a girl and she still wants to stay with me with what I'm working with,

Speaker 1 you're locked in, baby. I understand.
I don't have a grizzly dick, and that's why they're staying with me because I have a grizzly dick. Well, no, why would you want a grizzly dick?

Speaker 1 I mean, you know. No.

Speaker 1 Not like a grizzly bear. Oh, wow.
Not a hairy bear. What is a grizzly dick? You know, like, you know, that one black man that died? The meme that they used to use? It was that guy's dick.
Big beefy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
What was his name? That big guy. Whatever.
All right, what's the three wishes if you had a genie? I'm a genie.

Speaker 1 What kind of girl? I will grant you three wishes. You do a different voice.
Poof. I'm going to grant you three wishes.

Speaker 2 That's your first wish, brother. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my first wish? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, go back.

Speaker 1 That's your second wish.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You only have two wishes left.
All right.

Speaker 1 I like to be able to freeze time and

Speaker 1 be able to move around.

Speaker 1 You cannot add. Just freeze time.
Good, go. Poof.
You have one left. And can I move around when I come back? No, just freeze time.
That's it.

Speaker 1 You don't get details. You don't get details.
You don't get details. Well, the third one that would be

Speaker 1 to fly. Poof, Don.

Speaker 1 You know what the hard part is with a genie? Because he would grant you the wish to fly. Doesn't mean you didn't mean

Speaker 1 how fast or you can land.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 You might just have to fly and fall. Yeah.
Holy shit, you're right.

Speaker 2 Or you could buy an airplane ticket and fly.

Speaker 1 Interesting. That's interesting too.
Interesting. Interesting.
Interesting.

Speaker 1 What would your three wishes be?

Speaker 1 Pfff. Jotsuke, three wishes granted.
Go.

Speaker 2 True love.

Speaker 1 Ugh. He throws up.

Speaker 1 Into the fucking bottle, whatever you're looking at. Right in the lamp light.

Speaker 1 Okay, true love, go.

Speaker 2 And the second wish,

Speaker 2 bring my childhood dog back from the dead.

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 2 And third one,

Speaker 2 I just want to have enough money,

Speaker 2 like a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Wait, are you sure about your second choice?

Speaker 1 Child of Doug? Just go to the pound.

Speaker 2 I already have a dog. I want the wish.

Speaker 1 I already got the wish. Yeah.
I would just have to watch the water.

Speaker 1 What would yours?

Speaker 1 Three wishes. Rudy, Jules, go.

Speaker 2 Be rich.

Speaker 2 Really, really rich.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 2 Invisible.

Speaker 1 Wait. You realize you're not asking me to be able to turn invisible.
You're just saying you are invisible now.

Speaker 1 Got it. You're invisible.
No one can see you. No one can see you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want that.

Speaker 1 You want to be rich and no one can see you. And then your money.
You go to the bank, no one can see you. You can't get your fucking money.

Speaker 2 Well, I can just steal.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Why would you have to be rich and then also then still have to steal? Okay, okay, okay, I can't stop.

Speaker 1 You can't take it back. You can't take it back.
You're invisible. Because that's not how it works.

Speaker 1 You're invisible. Oh, so imagine that.
She had, like, all we see is floating money in your hands.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, there's ghostly money floating around.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. Can I take back my

Speaker 1 third one? That's the whole point.

Speaker 2 Well, the third one could be.

Speaker 1 Please don't be smart for her.

Speaker 1 Kill everyone.

Speaker 1 Shuttle is gonna be

Speaker 1 and then I can have all the money. So, wait a minute, time out.
So, you're invisible. This is how dumb she is.
No one else is on the earth. She's the richest person in the world.

Speaker 1 She's invisible, and nobody exists.

Speaker 1 Insane. I want that.
And

Speaker 1 Jesse figured out the whole is all she had to do for the third wish is wish that she wasn't invisible all the time. All you had to do is reverse the wisdom.

Speaker 2 No, but I want to be invisible.

Speaker 1 Okay, here you are invisible. Nobody can see you.
It doesn't matter because nobody fucking exists. But you're the richest person on earth that no one can see.
You don't exist.

Speaker 1 And there's no one on planet Earth. And there's no one on planet Earth.

Speaker 2 Why do you even need money at that point? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I wasn't thinking.

Speaker 1 Well, you're fucked. You're fucked.
I hope you don't run into a genie anytime soon. Yeah.
And you know what's so weird about that idea,

Speaker 1 her thought process, her ideology of this? She wanted to be rich, but totally alone. What would you do with all the money? I don't know.
Let's say you're not invisible.

Speaker 1 Let's say we make you the richest woman in the world. Okay.

Speaker 1 What would you do with all the money?

Speaker 2 I'd

Speaker 2 give some to my family.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Okay, get through that.
You got all the money in the family.

Speaker 2 Get a lot of animals.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you say you want to be alone, and that's still being with somebody. So you can't have that.

Speaker 1 You have to be alone. You have to be super rich and alone.
What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 Just sleep all day and get fat.

Speaker 1 No Ozempic then?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's what you want? Yeah, it's really sad. It's making you feel like you're not.

Speaker 1 Look, you know you're wrong. You know that's not what you want.
Who are your road models?

Speaker 1 It's hard for you to get a word out these days.

Speaker 1 And I don't mean a word in.

Speaker 1 It's hard for you to get a word in.

Speaker 1 It's hard for them to get a word out these days.

Speaker 1 Roll, roll, roll, roll. Dude, people that just came over today from China speak better English than we do.

Speaker 2 You sound like my dog yawning.

Speaker 1 You know how when immigrants they come here back in the day and they change their names because you know what I mean? Yeah. He'd be rural.
Roll roll.

Speaker 1 He gets to the board of the through generations, rural roar. Like, what's your surname? He's like,

Speaker 1 all right, well done, rural.

Speaker 1 And then your great-great-great-can congratulations have to explain that fucking bullshit. Yeah, my great-great-great-grandfather was retarded.

Speaker 1 He got nervous, and you know,

Speaker 1 I was thinking Spanish. What are you thinking of Spanish? What was in Spanish?

Speaker 1 Who are your role models? Your role, roll, role models.

Speaker 2 Does it have to be like someone famous?

Speaker 1 No, your role model can be anybody. It can be your fucking mom.
It could be someone you met years ago that influenced you, that made you feel good.

Speaker 1 Can you get me a blanket and pillow for a second? No, stop. Jesus Christ.
My.

Speaker 1 I meant for you to only want to be rich and fat.

Speaker 3 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I was just thinking about myself.

Speaker 2 Ati Kalai.

Speaker 1 That is your role model? Yeah. Kalila.
Kalila. Okay.
And she's not fat. She always works out.
So they say. That's what they say.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know. She's your role model.

Speaker 2 Right now. Okay.

Speaker 1 Who else?

Speaker 3 No one.

Speaker 1 When you were young, who did you look up to? When you were in the Philippines living in that cave,

Speaker 1 and you went outside to go collect berries for the winter,

Speaker 1 who was your role model?

Speaker 2 No one.

Speaker 1 You didn't look up to anybody?

Speaker 3 No. Good.

Speaker 1 And that's why she doesn't want to do anything. Who was your role model?

Speaker 1 Probably my dad. My stepdad.
My stepdad.

Speaker 1 Because he was a great guy. And he just had his life together.
And I remember going over to his apartment.

Speaker 1 Put your fucking hand down. I remember going to his apartment, and he was like responsible.
And you know, like he had, he had like, he had stuff.

Speaker 1 And we didn't really ever have a lot of stuff. So I was like,

Speaker 1 this guy's like a cool guy. He's got a job.
He works hard. He cares.
And he was so nice to me. He didn't have to be nice to me.
He didn't have to be fucking nice to me.

Speaker 1 He could have been like, this lady's kid. Fuck this kid.
Who gives a shit? But he was. He was nice.

Speaker 1 He was super.

Speaker 1 I say that all the time about stepdads and all this shit. And I'm not making a joke.
Fucking, thank God for all the stepdads that care about a kid that isn't their fucking kid.

Speaker 1 because that you could have turned out so differently yeah dude because i know a lot of friends of mine who had no relationship and then their stepdads were there my buddy one of my good friends tyler one of my closest best friends from growing up his stepdad was a piece of shit piece of shit didn't pay him two fucking cents of the day didn't care about him he was like i already had kids that's what that he would say that to him i already raised kids and he's like my kids are grown i'm not your fucking dad why would the mom be with a guy like that because she i don't know

Speaker 1 honestly but you don't know what she's going through but it's like this kind of stuff happens to people. I can't believe it.
He was so dismissive. It was like,

Speaker 1 you know, yeah, it was fucked up to watch. It was like, that guy's not fucking nice to you.
He could be a little bit nicer, but he didn't give a shit because he's like, it's not my kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sometimes I'm on a dating app and they'll say, we have children, and you'll see a photo of them, and I look at the kids and I go, no. No, thanks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They have to be attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't like it. You're not going to be.
That big-headed fucking mongol. All right, let's be real.
Would you ever date a woman who had a kid? Like, seriously? 100%.

Speaker 1 And you think you'd be a Baby Baba? Papa Baba?

Speaker 1 I would go to the softball game. Oh, my God.
For her? The daughter plays softball or the son plays softball? Whatever. Well, if the son plays softball, I wouldn't go.

Speaker 1 You really?

Speaker 1 Why? Because, oh, I see. Like baseball or nothing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, okay.
I would go to the games, the plays, you know what I mean? If they're at night.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm look, you're dating my mom, all right? I'm dating you, and you're the kid. And I'm a little kid, right? Am I driving? And I'm eight years old.
Yeah, we driving. We're in the car together.

Speaker 1 Okay. Thanks.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Mr. Lee, for taking me out to dinner tonight.

Speaker 1 Dad.

Speaker 1 I can call you Dad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Daddy, thank you so much. You're welcome,

Speaker 1 Jim.

Speaker 1 Slim. Slim? Is that your name? Slim Jim.
Slim Jim, yeah, yeah. I'm named after the beef sticks.
I don't know. Yeah.
Where are we going for dinner, Dad? We just ate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I just fucking ate. But I eat like a hobbit.
I have two dinners every night. Oh, that's right.
That's right. You're just like your stepdad.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We are just alike.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I be Chinese like you one day?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can. Okay, let's practice.
All right, so take your fingers. Here, I'll just take the wheel and crash it.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you my role model. Woohoo.

Speaker 1 Dan.

Speaker 1 You making this up?

Speaker 1 No, I made it up. You sound like you found it.
I'll tell you why I paused on the last name. You might have forgot it.
No, it's because you'll see when I tell the story. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 So when I was a junior in high school, I went to this rehab. It was my third one.
It was called the McDonald's Center. It was in La Jolla.
Like McDonald's, the company, it's a corporation. I think so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 during one of the sessions, like counseling sessions, I go,

Speaker 1 I've been to AA meetings. I never see

Speaker 1 Asians in AA. Because at the time, you didn't.
Yeah, they just kill them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, their parents kill them. Their parents are like.
Yeah, if if their parents

Speaker 1 are right, they kill you. It's terrible.
So I go, There are no Asians in A. I don't think there's alcoholics that are Asian.

Speaker 1 So the next day, I get a knock on my, I was in a hospital, and one of the counselors says, We have somebody in the lobby that wants to meet you.

Speaker 1 And I go in the lobby, and there's this man standing there, Korean, full Korean, full, full Korean, full, full blown, all the way, full blown, yeah, wearing the full hair. Full long white hair,

Speaker 1 right down to the back of his

Speaker 1 back,

Speaker 1 middle of his back, tattoos to his wrists,

Speaker 1 right? He looked like Mortal Kombat.

Speaker 1 Liu Kang, yeah, Liu Kang. And he walks up to me and he goes,

Speaker 1 hey,

Speaker 1 I'm Dan, and I'm your sponsor.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 1 And I go, and he spoke, he was adopted when he was

Speaker 1 12, came from Korea, so he knew Korean, so he can communicate with my parents. Wow.
Right. And then Dan, my senior year, the Powei High School said that I had to do it an extra year.

Speaker 1 They go, because you missed your whole job. We know why.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not real. And Dan goes, no, no.

Speaker 1 He went to the school, this guy, and goes, what can we do? to get him to graduate with his friends. They go, it's hard.
He has to do a zero period, lunch period, and night school.

Speaker 1 And he looks at me and he goes, You're doing all that. So I did all that.
And I graduated with my friends.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then

Speaker 1 yeah, I mean, he took me to this monastery, and we, for two weeks, we lived in this month. I swear to God.
No, I know, but I didn't. This part is weird for me.

Speaker 1 He fucked me.

Speaker 1 How close did you get?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Now you pay me back. No, because they were, you know, because

Speaker 1 in the steps, they talk about meditation and stuff. So in this monastery, you're not allowed to talk at all.

Speaker 1 You can't talk at all. No one talked.
For how many days? For like a couple of weeks. I think we live there.

Speaker 2 British can't go there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I remember not talking, meditating. It was like a Buddhist monastery, but it wasn't like a Catholic.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And

Speaker 1 I just learned all this stuff from him, you know? Well, the reason why I don't want to see his last name is because of the AA thing. We'll blank it out.
Just Dan.

Speaker 1 No, you can say Dan and then blank out the last name. That's fine.
Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.

Speaker 1 That's revolutionary. What? That he changed your life like that.
Have you ever changed somebody's life, you think? Oh, yeah. Through

Speaker 1 sponsor? Yeah, Brian did say that. Yeah.
I mean, there's a lot of people that I have brought to

Speaker 1 my meeting. I have a meeting

Speaker 1 Wednesdays, and I've brought a lot of comics that are struggling there. If I showed up, would you be mad? Yeah.
Why? You're not an alcoholic. Yes, I am.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Speaker 1 He is.

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You did laugh.

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Speaker 1 Who was your role model?

Speaker 2 I think, in the sense of somebody who you aspire to be like, and I'm not just kissing ass, but you guys.

Speaker 1 No, stop it.

Speaker 2 And so it's not so like, like, ooh, you know, Anthony Joslinik, Annie Letterman, like these people who've taken interest in me and kind of grown me as a comic.

Speaker 2 Like, I want to be like that for someone else. I, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I also think your sobriety has like motivated me to try to like

Speaker 2 be a better person. And it's kind of inspiring that you strive to be better.

Speaker 1 And she's getting a little, she's not getting sober, but she's, she's

Speaker 1 changing her life.

Speaker 2 I see it a little bit, yeah. I'm pacing myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Changing a little bit.
Yeah. In a good way.
When we, we had a conversation about it. And I said, if you think you need to clean out, clean out.
There's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 1 And you, can I say something about you? I love it. Is your handling,

Speaker 1 I mean, I've been watching from afar.

Speaker 1 And, you know, there was one show we did where they were still seating people that was really tough in the room oh yeah but you still handle it you know in the most mature way you're becoming a professional and

Speaker 1 every night you're just doing so well it is impressive it's impressive and I get to live through you because Andrew and I are jaded yeah that's

Speaker 2 true you know I mean like sometimes I don't feel anything yeah you know well the first part of the tour was so like party party and it was so fun but this like second and third leg of the tour, it's like I just feel really focused.

Speaker 2 I'm just like eating, breathing, sleeping, like getting better at stand-ups.

Speaker 1 It's the best way to do it.

Speaker 2 Coming home, doing spots at the store. I'm like training new door guys.

Speaker 1 It's great. We don't feel nothing, but what we feel is we love the fans and we love the

Speaker 1 I was being exaggerated. I know, I know, but here's what's behind.
Do you want to be honest? I want to be honest. We've been doing it for a while.

Speaker 1 The moment when you're on stage connecting with the fans,

Speaker 1 it's the greatest thing on planet Earth.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And the second you step off, it's like

Speaker 1 I want to go back on. Yeah.
And then the second it's over, or the second the morning we're traveling to and all that stuff, it's, you know,

Speaker 1 we'll never be able to explain to people at home that listen to the show that, whether they care or not, what the

Speaker 1 reason that people have such highs and lows in our business is because the highs are so high, it's unexplainable the way you feel. It's crazy.
It feels fake. It feels like

Speaker 1 you're riding the biggest wave ever and it feels like it's never going to end.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's a little creepy. And what it does to your psyche is something very unique.

Speaker 1 What I think is that, you know, I used to have the business try to fix me.

Speaker 1 So it feels like spiritual because, you know, you feel like, you know, these dopamine hits and people, you know what I mean, going, oh, you're killing it.

Speaker 1 And, you know, you're around cool people, this and that. But what you realize is that it's just fake God.

Speaker 1 Fake God? Yeah, it's fake spirituality. It doesn't feel like the real thing.
You know what I mean? And so

Speaker 1 what I've had to do is, you know, look at my life and go, this is what I do for a living. And find spirituality and find self-esteem and all these other things that I need outside of that.

Speaker 1 Find your God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And to really, and

Speaker 1 to think that, like, you know, because, you know, a lot of my fears are like, if I lose, you know, you know, like when people try to cancel you and stuff, right?

Speaker 1 You feel like you're going to lose all these things, right? But then it's like,

Speaker 1 I got to a point where it's like, if those things leave, I'm still going to be good. And that's where I want to be.
Because of investments. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Because of other.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I see money.
I see money. I have money.
I have money. I have to see some money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But my point is, but you understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You understand what I'm saying? Is that

Speaker 1 You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. I don't know.

Speaker 1 If I didn't have that, maybe I don't know. No, the point is,

Speaker 1 you got comfortable with yourself enough to know that you're always going to be okay, regardless of what life throws at you. Well, I know who I am, and I know

Speaker 1 how I feel about myself and the world.

Speaker 1 Do you know who you are, Rudy?

Speaker 2 No, and I'm like strangely.

Speaker 1 Can we find you? I feel like we need to help you find yourself.

Speaker 2 But it's hard because I feel like I don't have any

Speaker 2 interest in anything.

Speaker 1 Get interested. Find yourself.
How old are you, though? 21. It's so hard.

Speaker 1 Dude, I didn't find any interest until I was 23.

Speaker 2 But it feels like everyone around me knows who they are.

Speaker 1 Because everyone around you is much older.

Speaker 2 And it takes work. Like, I still, I know who I am, but I still work every day, like, to work on myself.

Speaker 1 I promise your peers around you, your age, do not know who they are.

Speaker 2 But it feels, they are.

Speaker 1 I know they're all putting on an act because everybody wants to feel grown up and everybody wants to feel like they've got their life together.

Speaker 1 But all of us at every age, none of us have our shit together. We're all fledging through the same bullshit, trying to pretend like we know what we're doing.

Speaker 1 Fancy is a new dad, pretending like he's fucking, he's got it figured out. He doesn't know shit.
That kid doesn't even fucking like him and he doesn't even know.

Speaker 1 We're all falling through earth. We're falling through life.
I don't give a fuck how old you are. The oldest person I've ever met to the young people,

Speaker 1 they're all figuring it out. We're all fucking liars.
Everyone pretends to be an adult. There is no adult.
It doesn't exist.

Speaker 1 We make adultism make it, but it's not real. We pretend to be an adult.
I literally feel like a kid. You are.

Speaker 1 I know I am. That's what's great.
And that's what's great. I'm not, you know, 51.
I am. I feel 51.
You do? I feel like I'm much older than you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I used to think everyone on the inside was like a kid on the inside, but you're not. You're a dad.

Speaker 1 I'm a dad. Yeah.
And I'm not a dad, but I'm just an old man. No, no, because you tap into your kidness, and I've seen it.
No, I do. So, no.
No, I do. You're a kid.

Speaker 1 I know, but most of the day I'm the old man in the sea. You're responsible.
The only responsible person. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you something. I'm here tonight.

Speaker 1 I'm here tonight.

Speaker 1 Why? Because I'm being responsible. I had other engagements, right? And

Speaker 1 this is more important. And I canceled a bunch of shit because of your fault.

Speaker 1 Because you didn't tell me that I had to work tonight, right?

Speaker 1 So, who's irresponsible? Soccer Jersey is fault, it's his fault. Can you do me a favor? Yeah, will you call your assistant on the show and make up something insane and see if it'll actually happen?

Speaker 1 Like, what? Just be like, hey, I'm going to need you. I need you to go.
Oh, no, I feel bad. Go look for band-aids.
And it's a specific

Speaker 1 and go, hey, I want skin-colored band-aids for Asians. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Asian color and find them. Because I know they do.
Do they make them?

Speaker 1 hello, hey Melanie. Hi, how are you?

Speaker 3 Good, how are you?

Speaker 1 I'm okay, uh not really. Um,

Speaker 1 I was in a car thing

Speaker 1 accident.

Speaker 1 Oh no,

Speaker 1 yeah, and um, I got a gouge on my shoulder.

Speaker 3 Oh my god, yeah, and I need um

Speaker 1 skin-colored band-aids,

Speaker 3 okay,

Speaker 1 yellow

Speaker 1 if they have Asian ones.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 1 Would do they have them?

Speaker 1 Because if you give me black if you give me black ones, I don't want to look like, you know,

Speaker 1 Denzel. Like, I want part of my body to look like Denzel.

Speaker 3 Oh, my gosh. No.

Speaker 3 I'll look and see if they have skin colored band-aids, but I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'll look.

Speaker 1 Maybe if you go to little Tokyo Little Tokyo, it's a gouch.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Yeah.
It's a double. Are you okay?

Speaker 1 Well, I can't feel my right side of my body. Should I go to the hospital? Oh my god.
Yes. But do you think that they have

Speaker 1 yellow band-aids?

Speaker 4 I don't think that that should be your concern. I think that you should get that like stitched.

Speaker 1 You're on the podcast. I'm sorry.
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 Do you think they make yellow band-aids?

Speaker 1 I love you, Melanie. Have fun.
We love you. What a roller coaster.

Speaker 1 I love you, buddy. She's the best.
You know why we wanted to see the errand? We weren't going to send her on an errand for the people at home. Do you have an assistant? No.
What about a little kid?

Speaker 1 The reason, McCone is more of your assistant. Let me tell you something.
What we did, you sent him on a wild goose chase, and it was kind of fucking hilarious. We had to leave.
Where were we?

Speaker 2 Okay. This was in

Speaker 2 Jacksonville.

Speaker 1 And we were trying to leave Jacksonville. And Bobby said, I said, where are you? I called.
I said, where are you, dude? We're leaving soon. And he goes, Bobby said he wanted earplugs really bad.

Speaker 1 And Bobby said, I got to go get them. This kid went to five pharmacy locations.
Yep. Ubered around town to find you earplugs.
Yep. Couldn't find them.

Speaker 1 And then, after not finding them, did find them finally, then took an Uber, took his fifth Uber

Speaker 1 to a hotel that wasn't our hotel across the river.

Speaker 1 And we had to pick him up out front. And I said, how did you end up at this hotel? And he goes, I didn't know there was more than one Marriott in this city.

Speaker 1 Insane. I know.

Speaker 1 He's a little slow on the upswing. You get what you pay for.

Speaker 1 That's the fact. That's the truth.
That is the fact.

Speaker 1 That is a fact. I want to say this, all right?

Speaker 1 Every pharmacy has earplugs. Every single one.
Yes. Right, Andre?

Speaker 1 Not the wax kind that you requested. Every single one on planet Earth.
Wait a minute. The foam ones, yes.
You're saying wax is tough. you request phone.

Speaker 1 Every fucking pharmacy has a wax one. Wax is tough.

Speaker 1 It's not tough.

Speaker 1 It's tough. Ever since I was 18 years old, I've been using fucking wax earplugs, right? I've gone to pharmacies all over the planet Earth.
In Thailand, they have it. And I found them.
I got there.

Speaker 1 Well, don't make it so I went to nine different places. Just went to one place.

Speaker 1 Let's call. I'm going to call a pharmacy, see if they have that.
All right, good. I'm going to call the two around us.
Let's see if he's right.

Speaker 3 Thank you for choosing Walgreens. This is Kristen.

Speaker 1 How can I help you? Hey, Kristen, this is Marcus.

Speaker 1 I'm looking for, I have terrible, I can't sleep at night, and I'm looking for earplugs, and I've been just scouring the earth to find wax earplugs, like beast wax. Do y'all have wax earplugs?

Speaker 3 Wax earplugs? Let me check for you, sir.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 We'll see.

Speaker 1 So, we'll see. Because you keep telling me everybody's got them.
I don't think everybody's got them. I'm calling the Walgreens right now just to find out.

Speaker 1 I hope they don't. They're not called wax earplugs.
Yeah, they are called wax. What would they be called? They're called.
I'm going to look them up. They're called wax earplugs.
No, they're called.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Wax earplugs.

Speaker 1 That's what it is.

Speaker 1 I got you. Wax earplugs.

Speaker 1 Ooh, loop-quiet earplugs. That looks nice.
They're like silicone earplugs. No, they're wax.

Speaker 1 They're molded silicone silicone is what i wanted they're made of wax

Speaker 1 or silicone okay so we don't we don't carry the wax ones we carry the foam ones but we're out of stock uh-huh so foams are gone as well wait it's silicone oh what about silicone is it no silicone just it's just foam huh

Speaker 1 all right just foam but we are out of stock you're out of everything anyway everyone's got it everyone needs them in their ears i guess god damn it thank you

Speaker 1 no problem sorry i'm calling no i'm calling i gotta tell you something

Speaker 1 there's no way way they're calling. Not only did they not have them, they didn't even have the foam ones.
And I said, everyone carries foam. Yeah.
Not everyone carries wax, but everyone carries foam.

Speaker 1 And let me say something right now. I don't even believe her.

Speaker 1 I still don't believe it. You think she's a liar? Yeah, she's a fucking liar.

Speaker 1 She sounded like a liar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's a fucking liar. She went like this.
Oh, I'll go check. Yeah, she didn't check.
There's no way they don't have it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's no way they don't have it. You'd be surprised.
No, you're surprised. I am surprised.

Speaker 1 You're fucking.

Speaker 1 You're fucking a fucking liar. But you sent him on a goose chase, and I got to tell you, it was one of the 10 Korean commandments.

Speaker 1 And the goose chases will continue.

Speaker 1 Yep. No, but you are going to go.
You are going to continue.

Speaker 1 In fact, the 10 Korean commandments that he bestowed upon you, one of them was to go get a medial task, and that was to go get wax earplugs.

Speaker 1 Number two, which you never completed, you know what number two was. So number two was getting him a Spit Cup.
No. No.
No, no, no, no. That was.

Speaker 1 You know, one of the

Speaker 1 small talk.

Speaker 1 I fucking hate it. He doesn't have it.
This is him. How was your meal?

Speaker 1 Who gives a fuck? He did ask you some really, really fucking stupid question. Stupid questions.
And also, when I'm not looking at you, stop looking at me. Look what he's doing right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm at dinner, right? And I look over, and McConne's just looking at me. I fucking hate it.
It's fucking, you know what?

Speaker 1 It's your fault, too. You give him caviar.
You gave him caviar. I fucked it up.
I already know I fucked it up. Thank you.
I gave him fucking eye

Speaker 1 pods. Air pods.
I got him fucking caviar. Caviar.
And then, yeah, I fucked you up, dude. You should never be like this.
We did fuck you up, and I'm sorry about it. And I will say this.

Speaker 1 It's been amazing having Rudy back in the studio. Do we need her back ever again? Yes.
I'm not sure. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, yes. Yes.
Don't fucking wince at me, buddy. Don't wince at me.
I asked you to maybe bring a story. Bring a story, I said.

Speaker 2 I told you all the stories on the last episode.

Speaker 1 I'm out of fuel already.

Speaker 1 What was the story from the last episode?

Speaker 2 The shooting.

Speaker 1 What shooting? What shooting?

Speaker 1 And what kind of gun is this? Wait a minute. What shooting story? What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 The guy that threatened to shoot the school.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, great story.

Speaker 1 You brought trauma to the show.

Speaker 1 Not like, hey, a cool thing happened to me.

Speaker 1 There's not a story from your homeland that you can tell, like a folklore or something. There's old lore, yeah, an old line.

Speaker 1 Well, here we go.

Speaker 1 What about the island? Isn't there an island in the folklore?

Speaker 2 There's so many islands. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Let me finish what I'm fucking saying. Like this, I like this.
There's 7,000 islands. I know.
But isn't one of the islands with witches and stuff?

Speaker 2 It's not an island. It's part of Cebu.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 Sikihora is the name.

Speaker 1 Sikihora. Hell yeah.
That was one of my girlfriend's nicknames.

Speaker 1 And she had lesions on her fucking snatch.

Speaker 2 It's like a

Speaker 2 three-hour drive

Speaker 2 from my home. And then when you go there, they say there's a lot of witches.
And then that's where you get

Speaker 2 people to heal you if you're sick or if you're feeling like

Speaker 1 wait is that Kalila?

Speaker 1 That's a sicky whore witch? Uh-huh. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 By the way, she looks like a sicky whore though. Sicky whore witch has a smoking blind after a cup of water.
That's a dope rap name. Yeah, yeah.
Sicky whore witch in this motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at her.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad. Thank you for the information about Sicky Horror.

Speaker 1 Look at him. Look at what's what's on her.
What's in her hand? Probably something. Tell us what that is on her hand.
Alcohol and beads.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Carlos knows all too well what alcohol and beads.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what for punishment, Carlos, what I would like, actually? This is fun. Here's a bit for the crowd.
And I'm dead serious. Wait, punishment for what? Huh? Punishment for what? Pick one.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 At this point, pick one.

Speaker 1 Can we just knock out two at once?

Speaker 1 No, no. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 I'm dead serious for the San Diego show.

Speaker 1 Not kidding even a little bit.

Speaker 1 When you get to San Diego,

Speaker 1 when you're on the side stage, before we call you out to say hello,

Speaker 1 I want you to

Speaker 1 put anal beads in your butt, and on the live show, Bobby and I are going to rip them out. Okay?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm good. Does that hurt?

Speaker 1 We've done it, Juicy. We're going to make it hurt.

Speaker 1 And I don't want bullshit marble anal beads. I want sizable ones.
And the deeper it is, the funnier it is. If it's one bead, it's not stupid.
I'm not going to do one bead. We got to hear 15.

Speaker 1 So I have to clean out my asshole first, right?

Speaker 1 No. No.
Okay, okay. Yeah.
But I'm dead serious. If there's less than 10 beads in there, fired.
I want the beads to be white. No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The beads have to be white.

Speaker 1 We want to see the difference. I'm just telling you, you better get to stuffing.
And you should be at home practicing too. Yeah, I was going to say I have to practice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to do that for the first time, live.

Speaker 1 what would happen if you put a firecracker in your anus and lit it on fire? Let's try it with Carlos. Yes.

Speaker 1 Whatever it is. Yeah, would you do that? No.
Why? That sounds dangerous. Johnny Knoxville would do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Johnny would do it. Yeah, don't you want to be like Johnny Knox?

Speaker 1 Don't you want to be Johnny Knoxville? All right, fine. I would probably

Speaker 1 McConnell would do something like that. McCohn, we're going to let a firework in your asshole.
That's Korean. That's.
Oh, he's down. No, I think you would blow your asshole apart.

Speaker 1 Well, let's do an M80.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What's an M80?

Speaker 1 It's a thick, it's like a half a stick of dynamite. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 We can widely coyote it on the other side.

Speaker 1 I think it's a quarter stick. Yeah, it's a quarter stick.

Speaker 1 That's what an MN80 is. So fun.
Dude, M80s are fucking brutal. So because they say if you hold an M80 and you let, your hand will blow up.
Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Blow your hand right now. Look at that thing.

Speaker 2 Probably finding an asshole, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure. Well,

Speaker 2 those things are resilient. What about a Roman candle? And then he could shoot it out of his asshole.

Speaker 1 That's what we should do at the amphitheater in San Diego. Roman candles out of your butt because that's not unsafe for the other side.

Speaker 1 Let's 100% get those. Please.
You could put one end in your butt, the other end shoots out. Are you sure you know what's going to San Diego?

Speaker 1 It's like obviously a fire hazard, but I would do it anyway. No, we're outside.

Speaker 1 You know, some states are lucky. They sell fireworks.
California does not. Yeah, it's illegal here.
It's illegal. You can go to Nevada, right? Doesn't Nevada have fireworks?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but usually like in Compton or something on 4th of July, you can get them. Whoa, damn.
What are you saying? What are you saying? What are you saying? I've got them there on 4th of July.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm doing. You go to Compton for fireworks? I went to Drew League one year, and it was down there on 4th of July, and I grabbed fireworks from some black kids.

Speaker 1 I paid them. Why did you have to put the last part in there? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why do you have to call them kids? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, not everyone lives in Compton, but yeah, no, I just want to add more color to the. Can you imagine how hard they would roast him when he goes down to Compton?

Speaker 1 No, I feel like they would know him.

Speaker 1 Carlos. Oh, Carlos is here.
Yeah, Ainel Beat Carlos is here, man.

Speaker 1 No, I do head nods at people. ABC.
Ain't no beat Carlos. There come ABC.
Oh, you do head nods? I do head nods, yeah. Yeah, let me see a head nod.
So him and I are at 13. Sure.
We're at a red light.

Speaker 1 We're at a red light.

Speaker 1 What's up, bro? What's up, bro? Yo, what up? Oh, I don't know. How do you feel about it?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm a little shaky.
I don't know. Where are you from, dog? Oh, I live in West Hollywood.
Were you gay?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 The uh

Speaker 1 why the uh dog? No, you know, because sometimes you don't ever. No, we don't know.
No, we don't know. Gotcha.
No, I think gangsters, they like me. Yeah, I think gangsters like me.

Speaker 1 Who me? I'm pretty sure gangsters like me.

Speaker 1 Let me see if my what-up's good. You guys are a hardcore gang.
You too. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, wait, don't let me hang.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, you look nervous.

Speaker 1 No, because they were confused. That's what happens.
They try to kick me. You're going to say something to me.
You're the gang. No, we don't.

Speaker 2 We're the gang. You're supposed to say it.

Speaker 1 No, because we said. Stay in character.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's up? What up?

Speaker 2 I just asked you what's up.

Speaker 1 How's my what up?

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, sorry.
Who's this?

Speaker 1 You have a gun?

Speaker 2 No, it's just my finger.

Speaker 1 I'm just pointing at it. Oh, it is.

Speaker 2 Brah, brah, you mute?

Speaker 1 Brah, brah. Brah, brah.

Speaker 2 Brah, you mute. She asked you a question.

Speaker 1 He just went to mind school, dog.

Speaker 2 There he is. That's pretty good, actually.

Speaker 2 So, should we stab these guys?

Speaker 1 All right, everybody. Thank you for that.
Thank you for being a bad friend.