Harry Potter Magic Boy and Rudy the Fairy Elf

Speaker 1 The Subaru Share the Love Event is on from November 20th to January 2nd. During this event, Subaru donates to charities like Make-A-Wish, helping grant more than 3,900 wishes so far.

Speaker 1 When you purchase or lease a new vehicle during the 2025 Subaru Share the Love Event, Subaru and its retailers will make a minimum $300 donation to charity. Visit Subaru.com slash share to learn more.

Speaker 2 Hey, Mary Funch! Guys, we're back on the road. East Coast this time.
East Coast. We're doing

Speaker 2 Baltimore and Philly. By the way, Philly.
We're already coming to Montclair and Port Chester. We'll be in Jersey and New York, but they're totally sold out.
But Baltimore, a few tickets left.

Speaker 2 Philly, a few tickets left. And Toronto, the late show,

Speaker 2 the late show in Toronto has a few tickets left. And by the way, just want to say, I'm sorry for after Toronto, we're having to reschedule Rochester, Northfield, and Pittsburgh.

Speaker 2 They're going to be scheduled to September. You can get your money back, obviously, if you can't do it in September.
But we're going to be coming in September.

Speaker 2 We're doing fall dates about to be announced, but we have it rescheduled Rochester, Northfield, and Pittsburgh to September 14, 15, and 16.

Speaker 2 If you want your money back, they'll refund your money. Otherwise, you can use it for the show.
But we're coming to see you. So, Philly and Baltimore and Late Show Toronto, come see us, baby.

Speaker 2 Go to badfriendspod.com. BadfriendsPod.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 two are something. We're bad friends.
Look.

Speaker 2 Who's here?

Speaker 2 Look, who's here? Look, who's here? Look, who's here? Look who's here. Look who's here.
It's a look who's here. Look who's here.
Yee-ho!

Speaker 2 Dandle, dandle, dandle, dandle, dandal, dandle, dandle, danital.

Speaker 2 The mystery of jewels. The mystery of jewels returns to bad friends.
Let's give it up one time for Rudy Jewels.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Welcome back, Jack.
She looks like a poo beetle. A little poo beetle.
A little peedle. Look at her.
Hi, Tatuba. Hey, poo beetle.
Hi to Angela. Hi, she got her hair cut and everything.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 Well, she's an American now, right? No. Boyfriend.
A year. They've been dating for a year.
For one year. Yeah.
Wow. College.
A white college. You look white colleges.
All whites. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 All whites. It's an Aryan college.
What's it called?

Speaker 2 Hype!

Speaker 2 That's what it's called. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is it called? No, we're not going to say what it's called. We don't want to say what it is.
She said she got recognized on campus. If there was a hype

Speaker 2 college,

Speaker 2 what's the fraternities and sororities like?

Speaker 2 The hazing must be crazy. Yeah, it is.
You got to drink a bucket of

Speaker 2 beetle poop juice. Yeah.
Yeah. Rudy Jules,

Speaker 2 tell us what's going on.

Speaker 2 There we go. This is what we're

Speaker 2 waiting for your stories, really.

Speaker 2 Dude, we're so excited. And I know you prepared a bunch of stories for the show, yeah.
Tell us a story. Well,

Speaker 3 during the spring semester, I was taking organic chemistry

Speaker 3 and I hated that class so much.

Speaker 3 Like, I kept getting C's.

Speaker 2 C's get degrees. Yeah, don't forget.

Speaker 3 And I thought I was gonna fail, and so I was really stressed, so that's how I cut my hair because I needed like control.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you are you? Are you also a version of cutting? Are you cutting? Yeah, uh, no, not cutting, no cutting, just cutting my hair, cutting your hair. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, that's what these this generation, we, our generation, we were hardcore skin.

Speaker 3 That's like,

Speaker 3 that's like so.

Speaker 2 So 90s? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, you know, we're old, okay? For us, and it was. We're a tougher generation.
We are. Why am I generation above you? You're

Speaker 2 two, maybe.

Speaker 2 I'm not a baby boomer. You thought I was a baby boomer.
You're a boomer? X. Whatever, boomer.
X. You're a boomer, dog.

Speaker 2 I'm on the corner of millennial and what's the other one?

Speaker 2 What's the other one between them? It's Gen X. Yeah.
No, no, no. He's Gen X.
I'm a millennial and one more. Why? Gen Y?

Speaker 4 No, I think you're X. I think Bobby is trying to sneak into the menu.

Speaker 2 You're a boomer, dog. Don't try to sneak down by us.
1971 is X. Look it up.

Speaker 2 Anyway, he might be right, actually. I am.
I already know. I know what generation I am.
Generation X. Generation X, dude.
Pepsi Max. If I was a baby, I would have to kill myself.
No, you wouldn't.

Speaker 2 No, you wouldn't. You'd be living a dream life, dude.
You'd be living a dream life.

Speaker 2 So listen up here,

Speaker 2 Gen Z. Is she Gen Z? Yeah.
Listen up, Gen Z.

Speaker 2 You're going to school. You can't get C's anymore.
How did you flip it around?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I got like a

Speaker 3 really bad score in the final, but I guess.

Speaker 2 No child left behind. No.
Biology, is it you said? Chemistry. Well, we know about chemistry.
Sure, we do. Yeah, we know about that.
You and I got it, baby. Yeah.
Give me a chemical composition.

Speaker 2 Composition it up. Let's hear.
Give me a mineral.

Speaker 3 C6H1206.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Whoa, that's my phone number.

Speaker 2 That's Bobby's age on his dating profile. Yeah, so I don't know anything about chemistry, but

Speaker 2 can you make meth?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you can with OCAM. Like, you can do like stuff with a lab.

Speaker 2 Do you have enough knowledge?

Speaker 3 No, I don't, not me.

Speaker 2 I know, no, you give us the knowledge. We have the lab.
Yeah, we got the lab.

Speaker 3 I have the lab procedures.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, wait, stop, stop. What are you saying?

Speaker 3 Like, we have procedures, and we just follow.

Speaker 2 Oh, and we can... Where is it at? I have it at the house.
At your house. I'll just give it to you.
Bring it here. Bring it here.
We'll make meth. I want this studio to be a meth lab as well.

Speaker 2 That back room is huge. Huge.
And it's got a ventilation system. And we won't do it.
Yeah, we won't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we won't. No, we won't.
No, we won't. So you learned what in Chem?

Speaker 3 I told you. I don't know anything.

Speaker 2 I hate the clouds. Tell me like this.
Can you make cyanide? Is that chemistry? What's the thing that melts people's bones?

Speaker 2 You don't want to know that one. That's the one we want.

Speaker 2 You know where they melt people down? Didn't they tell you that in class?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I don't know. I don't remember the name.

Speaker 2 That's that chemical. You know, like that guy that dipped it.
You can, you can, oh, lie. Yeah, lie, boiling temperature water.

Speaker 2 Lie is basically the alternative name for highly strong-based NAOH, historically KOH. By using high concentration of lie, human body can melt.
We can melt a body and lie. Dude, fight club.

Speaker 2 Fight club. Fight club, that's right.
Oh, yeah, lie on the hand. Hey, can you get us some NAOH, baby?

Speaker 3 I'll steal it for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would be a good

Speaker 2 villain name. N-A-O-H.
Lie. Oh, lie.

Speaker 2 Is it Mr. Lie or Sir?

Speaker 2 It can't just be lie. It's got to be something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Monjour Lie. Monjour Lie.

Speaker 2 Or something like that. Ooh.
Right? Is that good? What's Monjour made? I think it was Bonjour and Mr. Lie.
I just made that up. It was hello and sir.
I throw it out there. Monjour lie.
Monjour lie.

Speaker 2 And somebody at home who's an artist, please create a manjour lie art piece and make Rudy in the background mixing the chemicals. So you can't do that.

Speaker 2 Well, let me ask you about lie real quick, though.

Speaker 2 Why do you need that? You can melt a human body. Why would you need it, though? Get rid of a body.

Speaker 2 Have one. I get it.
You got bodies. Look.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You cut me off in traffic in LA.

Speaker 2 You're going to end up in a bucket of lime. Yeah.
No, I don't have one, but if you and I need one, just in case.

Speaker 2 So it melts bone? It disintegrates an entire human body. Dogs too?

Speaker 2 You got some dog bones laying around?

Speaker 2 Late night snack. I'm angry that way.

Speaker 2 Cut it out, Rudy. Cut it out.

Speaker 2 Cut it out. What about

Speaker 2 is battery acid? That's not chemistry, is it?

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 2 Battery acid, you have access to.

Speaker 2 But, you know, the kind you could throw in people's face. You could do that with a bunch of batteries if you emptied double D batteries out, right? I don't know how to do that, though.

Speaker 2 Well, she should know. D gloves, probably.
Don't you know how to empty out battery acid? No. What the fuck are they teaching you in school? What are they teaching you?

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, I can't understand it.

Speaker 2 Old toothbrush dipped in vinegar or lemon juice gets the job done what is that what wow old toothbrush how to clean battery acid

Speaker 2 gets the job done that's that's a commercial that'd be a cool old toothbrush dipped in vinegar gets the job done

Speaker 2 do you have

Speaker 2 do you or someone you know have battery acid stains on your clothes

Speaker 2 you can get it out yeah monsieur lie to the rescue

Speaker 2 because i always thought it was sad like in india that was a way of like you know they would throw it on battery acid on a women's face. Women who's facing face.
Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Speaker 2 If your wife, right, it's like if the woman

Speaker 2 fell in love with somebody else or like left you, they would, yeah, they would throw battery acid on their face.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting. Would bleach be the same as battery acid? Bleach and battery acid are not the same.
No, no, no.

Speaker 3 But like the pain.

Speaker 2 No, no. Have you ever gotten bleach on your skin before? No.
No, it's not painful. It's just kind of stingy.
It's stingy. Battery acid eats your skin away.

Speaker 2 Show me somebody who has had battery acid on their face. No, no, no.
I want to see it.

Speaker 2 She needs to learn. You got to teach her.
The school's obviously not doing anything.

Speaker 2 If you get battery acid on your skin, it just deteriorates your face. Look at that.
It rips your face. It rips your skin off.
You look at that guy.

Speaker 2 That's cool on him. See, that's Monsieur Lai.

Speaker 2 And he catches revenge. That one.
Let's tell the tale. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What do you mean? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. That's Mr.
Lai.

Speaker 2 That is lie. And he removes the

Speaker 2 Monjour Lie. Yeah, that's him.
And he removes the mask. That's not a mask.

Speaker 2 What are those things? You just put fucking shit. That's holding his eyes in place.

Speaker 2 I think that's like stuff he puts it on to moisturize it. No, there's like two lines going through by his ear and

Speaker 2 below his ear. Those are called glasses.

Speaker 4 To give the skin in.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's. It is a mask.
You're right. It's a full-on mask.
Oh, sorry.

Speaker 2 Don't insult Monsieur Lai. Sorry.
Monsieur.

Speaker 2 That's cool. What a cool mask.
When he takes that off, what happens?

Speaker 2 The kids are like,

Speaker 2 dude,

Speaker 2 scare someone to death. Wow, what a terrible.
You know, I would probably get battery acid enough just to look like seal.

Speaker 2 Kiss from a rose. Yeah, that's a cool.
Do you know what? That's what Kiss from a Rose was about. Him getting battery acid thrown on him.
In the streets of Paris? Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah, by Montiela.

Speaker 2 Monsieur Ali.

Speaker 2 What was that from?

Speaker 2 Was it just

Speaker 2 acne scars? Is that what it was originally from? By the way, this guy didn't slow him down even. He married what's her name? Heidi Klu.
Heidi Klu. Come on.
He killed it, that guy. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 He's still killing. There's no way he's.

Speaker 2 It's the only song I know, but it's a name.

Speaker 2 So much a man can tell you. So much he can say.
So DLE is a disfiguring disease. He had a disease.
Oh, man. Poor guy.

Speaker 2 The immune cells attack the skin from underneath, creating inflammatory areas and scarring the scalp, ears, face, and sometimes chest and arms. Why? Where does he...

Speaker 2 You know, when they say Asians are yellow. Sure are.

Speaker 3 I don't look yellow.

Speaker 2 You're not Asian.

Speaker 2 I don't look yellow.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 This is the cut.

Speaker 2 That's climbing a tree.

Speaker 2 You are

Speaker 2 a darker. You're a dark yellow.
Yeah. But why do they say, what are you saying? I don't look yellow.
Yeah, you do. We've gone over this a hundred times.
The shirt that you're wearing blends in.

Speaker 2 It looks like you're wearing a long sleeve right now. I actually can't tell if you're wearing a long sleeve.

Speaker 2 There's no way. No, here's the deal: what they're saying is you have a hue to behind your skin.
Like, I have a red hue, you have a yellow hue.

Speaker 2 Fancy also has a reddish hue. He's a pinkish hue.
Pete has like a brownish hue. Pete's actually more colorful.

Speaker 2 We didn't even talk about this. You know, Pete is native.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He is. No, he is.
That's insane. He is native.
He's like 25% native. He dig

Speaker 2 That's like. Tell him, Pete.
He did a DNA test. Yeah, Navajo.
He's 25% Navajo. That's like

Speaker 2 the senator from May. What's her name? The one that ran for office? Ian Feinstein.
No, the one that ran. Bogajontes.
What? Elizabeth Warren? Boga Jontes. No, no, he's talking about Elizabeth Warren.

Speaker 2 Elizabeth Warren. She's got 25% Navajo testing.
No, she's got like 5%.

Speaker 2 2% and the 2%.

Speaker 2 Was that even real? No, I have 2%, I think. You do? Everybody has 2% native something.
I wonder. I want to go back to see where that happened.

Speaker 2 Where you got the 2% in there. Snuck in.

Speaker 2 I mean, it just, you weren't. Hey, huh.
Ho.

Speaker 2 It disappeared. Yeah.
That's it. Just

Speaker 2 gone. Yeah, when did that happen? 300 years ago in your family lineage? Way longer than 300 years.
The native juice.

Speaker 2 Native juices were flowing, I think, thousands of years ago. Holy moly.
Yeah, when we were all.

Speaker 2 You're Navajo. That's right.
That's the good kind. That's the best kind.
Shout out to Navajos. Our favorite.
We established that. What?

Speaker 4 We established that.

Speaker 2 No, they're all great.

Speaker 2 Of course, of course. Of course, they're all great.
Of course. But so, do you have

Speaker 2 native instincts?

Speaker 2 I think so, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can survive. See how fast he is.

Speaker 2 Chase him, Roman. Yeah, yeah.
Let me say something. Fancy, try to grab him by the neck.
See what happens.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, we know. That's native shit right there.
That's native. That's good.
That's nice. You should give him a basket of blankets.
A A basket. Blankets? Well, no.
Oh, God. No.
Not a blanket?

Speaker 2 No. No.
What? Because

Speaker 2 I'll give him jar off smallpox. You don't put it on the blanket.
Put it on the side. Smallpox on the side, please.
No, but we should have you have a basket and see how fast you can gather. Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's a very good idea.
Oh, my God. He just did three baskets in 10 minutes.
He's native. Native, for sure.

Speaker 2 It would take me years to even find the fucking shit. Well, your fingers are small, too.
They're hard to grab stuff. Right.

Speaker 2 Your hand looks like the claw from the claw machine, the game claw machine. That's right, that's right.
Your hands drop all that stuff. Yeah, it would drop everything.

Speaker 2 Rudy, who else is in class that you're having fun with? You have new friends now? I mean, what's going on? I still don't have friends. God bless.
No, you hate Joe. Who thought she would?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but we barely meet. And then I went to this Filipino thing with her.

Speaker 2 Oh, one Filipino thing. It's like a secret meeting.

Speaker 3 It's like a concert/slash

Speaker 3 play, and it was so bad.

Speaker 2 We hate whites. That's what they we hate whites the whole time.

Speaker 3 It was a play, a play, and a concert.

Speaker 2 A play.

Speaker 2 I would love to see an all-Filipino cast of Oklahoma.

Speaker 2 That would be insane.

Speaker 2 Joseph and Demeling Techara Cream Cup.

Speaker 2 You guys do. You should do the Filipino Phantom of the Offer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
That'd be insane.

Speaker 2 This would be, Oklahoma would be great to see. By the way, look at how many cast members in Oklahoma.
That's just one Filipino family.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's just one consecutive family.
Yeah, that's one family. They had to cut out four family members.
Yeah, just to see.

Speaker 2 They didn't make the cut. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, your classes are what now? What's going on now?

Speaker 3 It's just summers.

Speaker 2 No, oh, you're done. That's right.
What am I thinking? What was the last couple of classes you did?

Speaker 3 Chemistry and math.

Speaker 2 You don't do either of those. What do you mean? Five times four.

Speaker 3 Twenty.

Speaker 2 Six times nine.

Speaker 2 Fifty-four.

Speaker 2 9 times 9.

Speaker 3 81.

Speaker 2 That's enough. 42 divided by 16.
No, don't do a divide. Well, then you're not doing college math.
Yeah. You can do that? 42 divided by 16? Yeah.
Sure, I can, dude. 3.865.

Speaker 2 That's really fast. Yeah.
Since I don't know the answer, I'm sure you're wrong. Give me a huge number.
I can do it. I got a little test.
All right, 496 divided by 18.5.

Speaker 2 22.948. Oh, shit.
654.

Speaker 2 I didn't know you were one of those. Two.
Whoa. Yeah.
You're like, you know. I know pie, too.

Speaker 2 What is it? I can do pie forever. 3.168956427.
3.16. 44964968512.
You know what you're doing? 423. You're good, Andrew Hunting.

Speaker 2 Are you good, Andrew Hunting? How do you like them, apples?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 Wait, but I have a story.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, thank you. Thank God.
Go ahead.

Speaker 3 Okay, so I was at work, and then this student called and he was like really distressed.

Speaker 3 And then he said, like, oh, I have like a late,

Speaker 3 late class that I didn't do. And someone needs to help me.

Speaker 2 And you're in the dean's office? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 3 And then I was like, I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Dean's office? She's working in the dean's office now.
Oh, I thought you were in the bookstore. No, dude, she's a snitch now.
No. Oh, you're in the dean's office?

Speaker 2 Yeah, working for a sneaker. And you've met the dean? Yeah.
What's his name? Okay, whatever. Do you like him? He's fine.
He's old?

Speaker 3 He's white and old. How old?

Speaker 2 They're all white and old. Like

Speaker 2 60? What? That's not old. Bobby's 60.

Speaker 3 But he looks like old.

Speaker 2 Because he's white. Yeah.
We get old. And does he know your name?

Speaker 3 I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's what I mean. We don't say hi.
What does he call you?

Speaker 2 Nothing. Brownie? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Brownie, come in here. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He doesn't say anything.

Speaker 2 He's never said hi to you.

Speaker 3 He just says hi, but like, that's it.

Speaker 2 You're more famous than he is. That's what's

Speaker 2 what's insane about it. He should give you respect that piece of shit, Dean.
How many followers does he have on the Gram? I don't know. If he had a Gram, maybe tops, 2,000.
Top, tops.

Speaker 2 Tops, tops, maybe 1,500 if he's fucking, if he's done some local community stuff.

Speaker 3 Okay, let me finish.

Speaker 2 Please. Okay.

Speaker 3 Okay, and then, like, I kept, I told him, like, okay, let me just ask someone because I don't know how to deal with your situation.

Speaker 3 And he got really, like, mad at me and he started like shouting at me, like, like, why are you so incompetent?

Speaker 2 Like, great.

Speaker 2 Do you know what you just did? What? How long ago was this?

Speaker 3 Two months ago.

Speaker 2 You're lucky that it's summer. Because that guy was.

Speaker 2 You know, that he was.

Speaker 3 He threatened to shoot the school.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes. That's what I just fucking said.
The guy that calls you, man. He was scary.
Wait, he threatened to school the shoot.

Speaker 2 School the shoot.

Speaker 2 Shoot the school. School the shoot.
Well, you come back to school the shoot on this episode of School of the Shoot. Sorry.
Wait, he said I'm going to do it? School the shoot. Yeah.
What did you say?

Speaker 3 The manager, I had to transfer it to the manager because I was getting scared.

Speaker 2 That's crazy that someone's like, I'm going to shoot the school. Can you hold for a second, please?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And then

Speaker 2 little

Speaker 2 fucking elevator.

Speaker 2 So he threatened you. Then you go, I need to transfer you to somebody else.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but before that, he just kept saying, you don't know how to do your job. You're so stupid.

Speaker 2 What is your job?

Speaker 3 Just answer the phone. Just answering calls and transferring it.

Speaker 2 That sounds like you did your job. Do you hit your job? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are they paying?

Speaker 3 $15.50 per hour.

Speaker 2 Dude, she was living on Easy Street over here.

Speaker 2 And you went back to it. Your attitude.
It's insane.

Speaker 2 No, don't roll your eyes.

Speaker 2 And now do you question your attitude?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Whoa, so you're stubborn. You Filipinos are fucking stubborn.
I love it. I love it.
You'd rather do that

Speaker 2 than apologize. Why would I apologize? That's a bad attitude.
Yeah, bad girl. Bad attitude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. $15.50 an hour.

Speaker 2 Yuck. And you pay taxes.

Speaker 3 No, I don't, because I'm a student. Oh, you're a legal.

Speaker 2 That's right, you're an illegal alien. Whoa.
I forgot. So, do they pay you every other week?

Speaker 3 No, every month.

Speaker 2 And when you look at the check, you're like,

Speaker 2 How much is the biggest check you got?

Speaker 2 $700. $700 for the whole month? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many days? How many hours did you work?

Speaker 3 I can't work for like more than 20 hours a week.

Speaker 3 So I can only like the maximum was only like 14 hours.

Speaker 2 700, though.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Did you save it?

Speaker 2 Yeah. No.

Speaker 2 Is Kalila making you pay rent? No.

Speaker 2 They should. They should.
No.

Speaker 2 We need to teach you about life. You've had it too good for too long.

Speaker 3 You have. I take care of the dogs.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's a huge.

Speaker 2 You're supposed to. They're your dogs.
They're your dogs. They're my dogs.
They're his dogs. Yeah, and he's not there.
He's not there because he's busy making money to support you.

Speaker 2 It all trickles down, baby.

Speaker 2 It's called Reaganomics.

Speaker 2 Reagan talked about it. It's all going to trickle down.
And you know what? You're living off the government for free because we're paying for you to be here $700 a month.

Speaker 2 I actually think you should give us that $700. You owe it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 We jump-started your whole life.

Speaker 2 You're getting recognized on campus. You're floating through school.

Speaker 2 We're pushing you through school is because of us. You're getting recognized on campus.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was working and like I was giving shirts around the campus.

Speaker 2 Like bad friend shirts? No!

Speaker 2 Oh my God, you should send her with those

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Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, the dean's office shirt.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck wants one of those? Yeah.

Speaker 3 And because they were graduates, so maybe they want one.

Speaker 2 Oh. A dean's office t-shirt

Speaker 2 for what?

Speaker 2 Did they tell you to do that? Or you're like, I think I should do it this way. No, they told me to do it.
What would you ever do with the Dean's Office t-shirt? What would you use it for?

Speaker 2 Clean my car. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just the window and stuff. Yeah, it's a jizz rack.
100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. They should just write Dean's Office Jizzra.

Speaker 2 Class of 20. And so you're passing out this fucking shirt.
Yeah. And people are like, no, I don't want it.

Speaker 3 No, they wanted it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 It's free. Yeah, it's free.
Okay.

Speaker 2 The way that fucking college kids love free shit, that's like worthless. They're never going to wear it.
You know? So then what happened?

Speaker 3 And then a guy was like, wait, are you Jules? I was like, yeah. And then he was like, oh, I'm such a huge fan.

Speaker 3 And then like my

Speaker 3 co-worker was like, who was that? I was like, oh, it's just a classmate.

Speaker 2 Oh, you lied. Yeah.
Well, are you humbling?

Speaker 3 But then there was another girl who said, oh, my God, you're Rudy. I was like, yeah.

Speaker 3 And then she was like, I love your, I love the podcast so much. And then my coworker was like, wait, are you in a podcast?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, did you tell them the truth, which is you're no longer on the podcast? Yeah. Because you departed.
You quit. And by the way, we didn't get a two weeks' notice.

Speaker 2 So we can technically, we'll use this for your next employer. Okay.
When they call, I'm going to go, no, bad employee. Well, the truth is people are missing you on the thing.
Yeah, big time. Big time.

Speaker 2 And we're going to get you back on.

Speaker 2 Do we miss her? I do. I do too.
Because whenever I'm with her, when I go to the house, she acts as if I'm furniture. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you go, hello,

Speaker 2 and then you just walk into a room. No, we can't.
Have we ever had a conversation? No, and I'm there for fucking hours.

Speaker 3 Because you're so weird. You're just like, you just keep, you're just like sit down on a couch, and then you just look so sad, and then you just make noises.
You know why he's sad?

Speaker 2 Because you're not talking to him. Exactly.

Speaker 2 It's like losing my daughter in a fire. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or something like that.

Speaker 2 Or like a drowning attack. Or like an acid attack acid attack yeah yeah but we talked about hogwarts

Speaker 2 because it's like you know it's like to me it's like what can i talk to this girl about right so i'm like uh

Speaker 2 the state of affairs no you know i mean things that are going on the government no she only knows hogwarts only hogwarts yeah so i go uh you know slitherin or whatever and then you go uh no i'm this are you griffinder

Speaker 2 you know you know first of all yeah you know i'm slithering You're Slytherin? Yeah. 100%.

Speaker 2 Hufflepuff. You know that.
Andreas is Hufflepuff. Why?

Speaker 3 I just feel it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. So what are you, Pete? What's Pete? Gryffindor? Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 And me? Hufflepuff. I thank you.
What are you?

Speaker 3 Raven Claw.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 That couldn't be more true. Oh, my God.
Is that right in the money? Yeah. Because it's all about color schematics.
That's right.

Speaker 2 You know, like when I played the video game, right, there was just a kind of a warmth to Hufflepuff. The colors.
Slytherin snakes.

Speaker 2 You've never seen the movie.

Speaker 2 You believe he's never seen a fucking movie, a Harry Potter movie? That's insane. Never.
Not one. One.
And yet here I am knowing all the bullshit you know. Yeah.
Yeah. Isn't that funny?

Speaker 2 The zeitgeist of those books and movies have infiltrated our society. So I know all of it.

Speaker 2 But there's no curiosity.

Speaker 2 I almost know too much. Right.
Look, it's almost like... You don't know the music, though.
Yes, I do. Sing the tune.
Because I've taken my nieces on the ride at Universal. Sing me the

Speaker 2 Harry Potter tune. The main theme? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Harry Potter,

Speaker 2 magic boy.

Speaker 2 Harry Potter, magic boy. That's it.
How do you know that? On the ride, they sing that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They sing. You're just strapped in.
Harry Potter, magic boy. Yep.

Speaker 2 Just like the movie. Just like it.
Wow. And I know everyone's theme song.
You do? It's Ron, Ron, Weasley. Nobody likes him.
It's Ron. Ron, Weasley.
Nobody likes him. It's Ron.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What about

Speaker 2 Hermione? Hermione, yeah. Hermione sucks.

Speaker 2 She sucks so bad. Hermione's, I think, was, it was like...

Speaker 2 It's weird to sexualize young people. That's what it was, I think.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They make her like a sex symbol on that fucking... It's so weird.
Not in the first movie. Okay, but everything I see of that girl, they do.

Speaker 2 But she, after they were, I mean, I think they shot them when they were in their 20s. Yeah, right.
I don't like it. Okay, it's the same thing the way I feel about 11 from fucking

Speaker 2 Stranger Things. They like put her in sexy clothes and all that stuff.
And I see on. Yeah, it's weird.
I was like, what the fuck is this? I don't like it. But I know all the songs from Harry Potter.

Speaker 2 Literally all them. I know, oh,

Speaker 2 Gandalf.

Speaker 2 You know the Gandalf? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You know, Gandalf's in the movies. He's in the background.
He's in the background. Yeah.

Speaker 3 What does he look like? Big.

Speaker 2 He's big.

Speaker 2 I'm Gandalf, and I'm here to say, Harry Potter, you are gay. That's his whole thing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it Hedgway?

Speaker 2 No, Gandalf. Gandalf.
The gray. The gray.
He makes a surprise business.

Speaker 2 He can fly with those eagles. Yep.
Right? So he's in Middle-earth, right? He's like, I wonder what Hogwarts the College is up to. He flies on the eagle, eagle and he just stands in the back.

Speaker 2 So you barely see him in the movies. And that whole broomed Quidditch stuff, I know that game, too.
Yeah. Legolas is in that, right? Legolas is, Legolas was in the second one, I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He, too,

Speaker 2 catches a ride with Gandalf on the fucking bird. Yep.
Or Hawk or whatever that is. And they come and, you know, he plays a little bit.
I think it's a condor that they fly on.

Speaker 2 It's a condor, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Quidditch brooms, by the way, you know, those are like Sibians.
What's Sibian? It's a little like a vibrating dildo.

Speaker 2 You know, know they put it up their ass that's how because you when you see it you're like how would they stay on the broom it's it's the get the get it's fart gas oh it is yeah so it goes in your butt right you fart and it powers the fucking broom you don't know that

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 that's how it flies away

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 yeah and that's where the mexicans come in

Speaker 2 because they eat refried beans by the way jk rowling's gonna sue us yeah she's like let me tell you something I may be a bigot, but don't you fuck up my books? Don't you fuck up the story of my books.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I read all of them. We can come up with our own mythological tale just as good.
Easy, JK. So easy.
You ain't shit. Yeah.
We got it like that. We got it like that.
We could do it, JK.

Speaker 2 We could do it today, right now. Yeah, Nucci the Woodsman.

Speaker 2 Let's start there.

Speaker 2 What about Gumbimi? You know, Gumbimi. Yeah, Nucci and Gumbimi.
The little Italian guy. Gumbimi.
Exactly. And Nucci, they live in the forest.
Nucci and Gumbimi.

Speaker 3 I want to be an elf.

Speaker 2 You fucking sure are. You sure are.

Speaker 3 Elf with wings.

Speaker 2 You're not going to be Nucci.

Speaker 2 What's Nucci? No, you're Nucci and I'm Gumbimi.

Speaker 2 I'm Nucci. Yeah, Nucci and I'm Nucci and Gambi.
We're in the movies that we're going to write. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 Why are we writing this shit for other people? Oh, that's true, right? Hollywood, baby. Nucci and Gambimi.
And what's her elf name with wings? Ching Ching. Yeah.
That sounds right.

Speaker 2 We have to go back.

Speaker 2 We have to go to corporate first.

Speaker 2 Imagine the meeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, so we wrote this new, you know, because you love Harry Potter, don't you? We love it. You love it.
Yeah, I love it. Made millions, billions.
Billions.

Speaker 2 Billions and billions. Yeah, I love it.
Theme parks, merchandise, et cetera, et cetera. We have our own.
Oh, please tell us. It's untitled.
Okay. But one of the, well, we have Nucci and Gabini.

Speaker 2 Wait, the two main characters are Nucci and Gambimbi? Gambini.

Speaker 2 Yes. I love it.
Yeah. But the sidekick, a flying fairy.
Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Brilliant. Flying elf.

Speaker 2 Same thing. I'm sorry, my assistant's here.
Yeah, who is that?

Speaker 2 It's my assistant. Oh, right.
Yeah. Do you work in a dean's office at a local college? Yeah.
I feel like I've seen you before. Well, you got the shirt.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got the shirt on. Nucci, Kabibi, and who is this? This is

Speaker 2 Ching Ching.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's what I'm saying. Can we hear.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, it can fly.

Speaker 2 The wings. Oh, that's fine.
But can you.

Speaker 2 How about this? I'm a little hesitant because

Speaker 2 it seems close.

Speaker 2 Can we hear your voice, Ching Ching?

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 She sucks in air and gasps.

Speaker 2 She doesn't speak. That's the thing.

Speaker 2 Because she needs the air to fly. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Ching, ching.

Speaker 2 And it's what's crazy. She does say her name.
I know. What's crazy, though, it's not her saying it, it's what the wings are doing.
So,

Speaker 2 ching, ching, because the wing, because what you're not going to believe is the wings, right, have steel in it.

Speaker 2 And her bodies have steel. And when it hits the steel body,

Speaker 2 oh, so it's more shing, it's more shing than

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Well, Ching Ching sounds good to me.

Speaker 2 Write this movie, write this movie. You die, though, don't you, in the first one? First one, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, second one, second one,

Speaker 2 you die in the first one for sure,

Speaker 2 second one, I don't know, but there's flashback scenes, yeah, you're in the other one with Ching Ching. What's your superpower?

Speaker 2 Flying, flying is not a superpower, yeah,

Speaker 3 Everybody flies. My wings can produce pixie dust to let other people fly.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 So you fly into a McDonald's. People are having a meal.
You do your pixie dust. And everyone's just like, whoa, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Ching Ching's here.

Speaker 2 Imagine how good she'd go over at like gay nightclubs. Yeah.
Ching Ching's here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And we could do a flashback scene where there's like a little egg, right? Yeah. That's where you come from, right? And it opens, And people are in wonderment.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden...

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 That's the beginning of the movie. That's the beginning.

Speaker 2 The story of Jing Ching.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Born on a cliff.
Yeah. A golden mountain cliff.
A golden mountain cliff.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 On the 18th planet of our solar system, Ching Ching was born. She fell down to the earth.
Her egg cracked open and she arose. A metal-winged beast.
An ugly, horrific creature

Speaker 2 with a face that looked like it had been doused with battery acid.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 she's no male or female. She's ambiguous and sexually

Speaker 2 sexually and also very stupid. Somehow, so stupid.
Because every once in a while you hear chong, and that's you running into a tree. Ching, ching, chong.
Ching, ching, chong.

Speaker 2 You run into hitting something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Can I have glitter all over?

Speaker 2 Sure. Sure, if your character has to put that on their face.
I think you got glitter all over the fucking place.

Speaker 2 But you and I, what's our main goal? I'll tell you what it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, like Mario and Luigi, the only thing that upset me about that was Mario always got the princess until the latter versions when they made you could play as Luigi as lead. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why weren't they fighting? I want them to fight over the girl.

Speaker 2 We're going to fly fight over Ching Ching? No, she's not. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't know why.

Speaker 3 And the sidekick.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.
And barely that, because you die in the first episode or the first, the first installment. We could have titty trees.
Just trees with tits on them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Couldn't agree with you more. How wonderful.
What a beautiful forest with just big tits. Big tit trees.
Trees. Tit forest.

Speaker 2 And you can suck on it and you have something like milk tea or something delicious.

Speaker 2 And then there's like a swamp of assholes. That's that's that would be

Speaker 2 instead of quicksand, you fall into a butthole. And for some reason, they're women assholes.
Right. So they're not male.

Speaker 2 Real tight. Really tight.
So they're bouncy. Yeah, they're bouncy.
So forest of boobs and a swamp of assholes. What's my name again in it? Newby? What? Nucci? Nucci.
Nucci.

Speaker 2 Gumbini. Gumbini.
Yeah, gumbini. You were Italian? I am.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not. Nucci.
Yeah, Nucci. Yeah, you're Japanese.
Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, and I'm Italian.
Because Nucci is a Korean word.

Speaker 2 For what? Instinct. Oh, that's amazing.
Thank you. What's gumbini? Look that up.

Speaker 2 Just say gumbini in Italian. Shrimp.

Speaker 2 No, no, that's no.

Speaker 2 Came from particularly of the leg.

Speaker 2 What is it? The surname Gambini came from a person with some peculiarity of the legs or a strange walk.

Speaker 2 And that's a character thing. I think you did that.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 My legs are just.

Speaker 2 Yeah. In fact, my legs are longer, so long they go over my head, almost spider-like.
Right. So I have spider-like legs.
I sit like that. These are my legs.
Yeah. I have no arms.
Gambini has no arms.

Speaker 2 Maybe, can I be small? You're so small. And I live on, I just chill on your eyebrows.
On one of my bushy brows. Yeah, and I'm just chilling.
And I grab onto your bushy brow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, as my hand is. I think you're one arm arm swinging.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you want.

Speaker 2 And somebody's like, what did you say? I'm like, nothing. Yeah.
Oh, you're like Lenny from

Speaker 2 Mice and Men. Yeah.
Dumb. Yeah, very.
I'm bright. You're the brightest.

Speaker 2 The brightest little light. I'm the brightest little light there.
Now, these roles are going to be hard to play for us. Why? Well,

Speaker 2 you think we're reversing?

Speaker 2 That's fucking funny. But I do like it.
Okay, good, good. Well, let me stretch my wings.

Speaker 2 She's doing it for me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
No, but let me. Who's the princess? Fancy?

Speaker 2 No. Why not fancy and drag?

Speaker 2 That could be it. Like, I tell you, when we did pictures of us role-reversing as men and women, he was one of the hottest girls in the studio.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, maybe during the whole movie, Nucci, right? I'm dangling. Yeah, you'd be dangling.
And whoops up, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I go, I don't know why you like that fucking princess.
Right? She's pretty.

Speaker 2 And then what happens we we go to the fucking you know made the castle

Speaker 2 and normally you know because there's like posters and paintings around you all over the capital and you only you only see yourself in like wait are we storming the capital no because nucci and gambini storm the capital on january 6th yeah but in in this world january 6th it's something different okay yeah but we do go you know as a homage we have to as a homage but we always i always see you you know wearing like you know clothes and robes and stuff like that but we when we visit you you're completely naked.

Speaker 2 Now, your face looks like the way you do now, but your body, we're going to CGI the fuck out of it. So hot.
And I see you, I'm dangling, and I see you with the hottest body I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, I let go of your eyebrow. I got you.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Caught you right in my tongue. No, because now, already, now it's my goal to get her to.
Oh. That's where we...
We separate. We separate.
So now it's you versus I. And then we'll have a conversation.

Speaker 2 It's like, how come you don't hang out on my eyebrow anymore? Right. Well, that'll be, that's a, that's the end of the second act.
Okay. We know how this goes.

Speaker 2 Because in the end, you know what's going to end up happening. We're fighting for her love, right?

Speaker 2 In the lava pits. You know, we're back in the lava pits.
Oh, Turtle Island? Yeah, we're back. We're back.

Speaker 2 Let's stay away from Turtle Island. Okay, okay.
All right, all right. I think this is what's going to happen.

Speaker 2 Let me just throw this as a fucking arc. All right.
So you finally get her. I got her.
You're in bed with her.

Speaker 2 Already made love. No, not yet.
You're about to.

Speaker 2 And you go down, you know what I mean, to kiss her, Vaj.

Speaker 2 Guess who's already there?

Speaker 2 New Jesus. New Jersey!

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it goes to Pete.
And there's like a little couch in her vagina. And you know what I mean? I've already set up a camera.
You got a whole family?

Speaker 2 No, I have a flat-screen TV. I'm just chilling there.
You're playing Nintendo. I'm switching already.

Speaker 2 I fucked the princess. Fine.
Yeah, yeah. You get her.
What do you think? You get the princess. Yeah.
And then Pete comes storming in. Oh, yeah.
What does Pete play?

Speaker 2 Admiral. He's got to be like the...
Yeah, he's got to be be a captain of some kind, but he he's not

Speaker 2 he's half an animal, like a hippopotamus.

Speaker 2 Let's just make him a hippo. You don't have to do much, okay? Yeah, yeah, we can do that.
Yeah, yeah, so we'll do that. Sound familiar, Pete?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 captain, what do we call him?

Speaker 2 Bartholomew the hippo

Speaker 2 Bartholomew the hippo bottom puss. He has a hippo-bottom puss.
He's a hippopotamus, but it's got a huge vagina sticking out. He's a hippo bottom puss.
Is it beautiful? Stunning.

Speaker 2 Is that then you fall in love with him?

Speaker 2 I see where you're going. Because I let you have the princess, then I get hippopotamus over there.
And maybe in the second movie, there's a lot of people. No, but that sounds like a great issue.

Speaker 2 There's a four-way? Yeah, there's a four-way.

Speaker 2 There's a four-way. Yeah, she's watching us from heaven.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's true. She's dead.
She's dead already. And then God, or the ethereal angel that controls her in the afterlife, says, you have to go back down and stop this.
So that's the third episode.

Speaker 2 The third

Speaker 2 trilogy. You know, I don't want her to die in the first movie.
I'll tell you why, right? I would like in the four-way, this is what I would like. Can I veto this? I want her dead in the first movie.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I just start this scene idea, though? Okay, but I do want her to die. In the four-way, right? We're having a good time.
And I'm shooting in inside.

Speaker 2 I'm shooting inside Hippo's asshole, you know, the princess's vagina.

Speaker 2 I'm everywhere. Yeah.
And I'm fast. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm coming so many times, right? But then all of a sudden, there's a scene.
This is a good thing. This is for levity.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is for levity.

Speaker 2 This is for levity, right? Bring this down to earth. Yeah, yeah, this is good.

Speaker 2 Isn't levity for laugh?

Speaker 2 yeah but also it brings everything down a little bit to like to earth bring it down to level oh well then it's it's for laughter to make everything feel level oh i don't know well then give me another word for it no levity's right no it's not because when she comes we all flow oh and then we're like chin ching yep

Speaker 2 i want that scene what do you think chin ching i like it Thanks

Speaker 2 now that we have the writer's strike, I think you guys might have a chance. I was going to say, I went out there, you know,

Speaker 2 I want to commend these guys and girls out there. They're protesting all day, and I've been egging them.
I bought eggs, and I've been egging them, and I got to tell it with the signs.

Speaker 2 They hit it with a sign. Yeah.
And I've been hucking at it. All the writers, I've been just overhand hucking it.
And I've hit two or three, but man, really commendable, these guys.

Speaker 2 It's going to go on for a while. Yeah, good.
Get their money. Fuck it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The business is full of shit, the amount of money that this fucking machine makes. Also, I was saying, I saw a guy today.

Speaker 2 I can't say the name of him, but he was an actor who was on a famous show when we were young.

Speaker 2 And he did, you know, it went for a while, but this is back when you can do one series and make a fucking truckload of money and never work again. He has, but he didn't have to.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, now it doesn't mean shit when you do a series. Yeah, they think there's going to be a sax right after that.
Sacks right there. I said yes.
I voted yes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They sent me the thing in the mail. They said, do you want to strike? I said, yeah, fucking strike.
Give us more shit. Fuck it.

Speaker 2 And also, it's for benefits for people that don't make enough money, that are struggling actors.

Speaker 2 Dude, these fucking studios, fuck these guys. They're all making so much money.
All these big wigs are hiding behind these monolithic buildings of of all this money.

Speaker 2 And they're like, we do give you guys money. You don't give a shit.
Fuck out of here. Give us more money.
Give us all the money. Yeah.
We do all the shit. The writers do all the things.

Speaker 2 The producers, the directors, the actors, they make all the shit. So give them the money.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Hollywood. Yep, yep.
Right? Yep, yep, yep. You want to protest? You want to go out there? Yeah, I don't know how.

Speaker 2 I know. You know what's so funny? I know where to get a sign.
I know where to go. Well, the sign, the sign you can, you know, it's funny if we just make our own signs.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, a bunch of writers have called me and goes, hey, you want to go? And I'm always like, where is it? Just go walk around your house. I I never ask a word.
I just don't. I ignore it.

Speaker 2 I'll be there. I'll do the next one.
This is where you need a body double. That's right.
Why could you, oh, that's right. You need to hire someone that's like, dude, Bobby was there.

Speaker 2 He didn't talk to anybody. He was seriously upset.
That whole thing of Asians look alike, this is where it comes into handy. Right.
Right. In the situation.
You call up Randall Parks, send him down.

Speaker 2 He's probably already down there. They go, Look at this.
No, he's already there. He's like, Bobby Lee.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could bring.

Speaker 2 Pay Randall half the day to wear a shirt that said, I'm Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 That'd be cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I could find a fat Asian guy, maybe.

Speaker 2 You're not fat. Thank you.
No. Who would I get? Seth Green? Who's down there for me? He's so small, though.
Ron Howard.

Speaker 2 Maybe. Just in a hat? Yeah.
You know what I mean? Ron Howard. Richard, this is Cocoon.

Speaker 2 No, it's fucking. What? That's so specific.
It is? Yeah. You never saw Cocoon? I did.
Do you see Cocoon? No, she was a cool. Everyone in the room could see Cocoon? Yeah, everyone over 35.
Right.

Speaker 2 It's Cocoon such a good movie. Anyone watch? Who hasn't seen Cocoon? I bet you so many people haven't seen it.
I bet McCone's never seen it.

Speaker 2 No, cocoon the movie not cocoon he's never seen it and he was a fucking film major oh see that old man go to the right the very right that's me the top that's me that dude right there when he shot that movie was 49 years old

Speaker 2 i'm not no way that actor was yeah shut up one of the actors was i think that's the guy that was like 49 years old that's like your dean yeah yeah 60 but he looks 100 i forgot what cocoon was about it was about old people going to space it was about

Speaker 2 It was about preserving life of the elderly, but I think they were, some of them were aliens, right? Yeah. Yeah, right? Some of them them were aliens, but then I remember Steve Gutenberg was in it.

Speaker 2 The goot. One of the greatest.
Right. You know, old people.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about old people. No, we should watch more old people movies.
What do you mean, with old people in it? Yeah, I mean, they just don't make it out. They tried that dude, that one with

Speaker 2 Sally Fields, the football one with Jane Fonda. Brady, the Brady one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, 80 for Brady. Anybody see that? Yeah.
You did? How? Why? Why did you see that?

Speaker 2 I watched the first 20 minutes. 80 for Brady.
Do you even know what this is? I just want to support older people because I think

Speaker 2 I'm going to get there. Right.
You're never going to get there. Well, I'm never going to be an 80 for Brady Part 2.
Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah.
What do you mean? What would you be 80 for?

Speaker 2 No, no, let me ask you. When you say I'm never going to get there, you mean yours is profile.

Speaker 2 Yours will be 80 for Wayne Brady, and you'll have to go meet Wayne Brady.

Speaker 2 You and a bunch of dudes who are obsessed with Wayne Brady doing improv.

Speaker 2 No, you're never going to work when you're 80. Why? Yeah, I don't think you're going to make it.

Speaker 2 You don't think I'm going to make it until I'm 80?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I mean, in the business.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 Probably. Morgan and Morgan.
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Speaker 2 who I call? You call him Morgan and Morgan. I call Morgan and Morgan, man.
Because I got into an accident not too long ago in my own neighborhood. You know why?

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I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know what to do.

Speaker 2 Do I need to get a lawyer? Do I sue?

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Speaker 2 You guys, you know, I bought a car and I, you know, I thought to myself, should I go to these dealerships? So I tried a couple.

Speaker 2 Hot, they were rude. No, thanks.
Yeah,

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You think you're going to work when you're 80 years old?

Speaker 2 I feel like if like Ken Jong, Randall Parker, they all die.

Speaker 2 First of all, Ken Jong's a doctor. He's never going to die.
That's true. He's got the secret.
It's Diet Coke, apparently. He told me Diet Coke.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He told me every doctor drinks Diet Coke like crazy. I said, really? He goes, dude, every doctor I know, six, seven Diet Coke a day.
Yeah, but okay, well, there's going to be B movies for old people.

Speaker 2 I could be in those. The B movie.
Jerry Seinfeld did it. No, like, no, what I'm saying is independent, like small movie when I'm 80.
I could do it. For what? So what?

Speaker 2 You're going to paid like 30 bucks to do an indie movie when you're 80? You're tired. You're never going to do that.
You, you, Bobby Lee, will never.

Speaker 2 I'll be doing dumb shit like that because I'm a loser. So what do you think? I'm going to retire somewhere? Where am I going to be? 100%.
Where can I be?

Speaker 2 Where will you retire? Probably down in San Diego. I can see you right now at a big cliff, a house on a cliff overlooking the sea with a harem of beautiful women, right?

Speaker 2 All in their 40s when you're 85 years old. And they all have like a calendar.
They're like, is it my turn to rub your feet, Mr. Lee? That's what I want.
Yeah, I see it. Peace.
Peace and love.

Speaker 2 Yeah, peace and love. Peace and love.
Yeah. Where am I when I'm 80? You tell me.

Speaker 2 Oh, you? Yeah, where am I? Where am I living? What am I doing?

Speaker 2 You are, believe it or not. Please say I'm gay.
Please say I'm gay. No, no, no, you're not gay.

Speaker 2 Believe it or not,

Speaker 2 you decide to keep working, but not as an actor or comedian, but you wanted to wear a uniform. What do I do? Well, you have a grandchild, right? I have a grandbaby.
You have a grandbaby.

Speaker 2 What's crazy about it is you don't have children. So I just have a baby.
Yeah, that's what God. What's crazy about it? We don't know how

Speaker 2 this happened, but you just one day say, I have a grandchild. I sure did.
And we're like, you don't have any children. Okay.
Yeah. So you think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but we don't know the history and we don't know the story. Right.
Right. What's my uniform? You're the janitor at the kids' elementary school.

Speaker 2 You make a joke? I've always wanted to be a janitor. That's why I know.
I know that. Always.
I know. Have you seen me with a mop? Yeah.
But you're like a wise janitor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where the kids ask you questions.

Speaker 2 What's my name? I got to change my name to protect, you know, my identity. I can't be Mr.
Santino, the janitor.

Speaker 2 Bad friends would be long and gone by then.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No one's going to know what to do.
They'll call me Mr. Sanny.
Yeah. Mr.
Sanny? Mr. Sanny? Sanny? What happened in your life, Mr.
Sanny? Right. And I go, well,

Speaker 2 one day, a good old Asian friend of mine

Speaker 2 wanted to start a show.

Speaker 2 I started a little show. It was a radio-y show back when people used to listen to people talk.

Speaker 2 And that little

Speaker 2 fucking noodle

Speaker 2 schemed and scammed me, sold the company years later, and now he's retired. Yes,

Speaker 2 noodle is offensive.

Speaker 2 To whom? I mean, you know, it's just these are generations later. We're far more sensitive to stuff like noodle.
Yeah, yeah. So let's just reframe it.
This little dumpling I started a show with.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Just move on.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Dumpling.

Speaker 2 Listen up, you little.

Speaker 2 I didn't fight in World War III.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we don't know. There could have been a World War III.
100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there could be. What do you mean? There will be a World War III.
That's so interesting to me. And you guys are going to have to fight in it.

Speaker 3 Well, I can protest and say women should stay in the house.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 reverse feminism. Reverse feminism.
I like this. Wow.
Wait, because you think women shouldn't work.

Speaker 2 You know what you've said to me? You've said to me, you said, Tito Andrew, women women shouldn't work or vote or drive. No.

Speaker 2 She said that.

Speaker 3 I was saying, if it's World War III,

Speaker 3 then I'm going to say that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but if it's World War III and you want equality, then everyone has to fight. Yeah.
You want equality? No. You don't want equality.

Speaker 3 If it's World War III.

Speaker 2 So you want equality unless it's World War III. Got it.
You think World War III is going to be fought on the ground? I don't know. No, it's going to be another version of COVID.

Speaker 2 It'll just be an, it'll all be biochemical warfare. It'll be biochemical warfare, yeah.
And it'll be put put in our fucking, it'll

Speaker 2 all have to drink bottled water because the sink water will kill all of us. Imagine being in the front lines, though.

Speaker 2 How scared are you? We're in a foxhole. If it was real war? Yeah, us three in a foxhole and there's just pew pee-pew bombs going on.

Speaker 2 Right? And we're just sitting there. You know, it's.
Okay, Rudy, you get up there and look first.

Speaker 3 No, I'll just kill myself.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what? Yeah, yeah.
Good idea.

Speaker 2 Point your guns at me now.

Speaker 2 What would you do if you were in a foxhole with us?

Speaker 3 I'll just kill myself.

Speaker 2 God, come on. You got to do that.

Speaker 2 The instinct isn't to do that, it's to survive.

Speaker 3 But why would I go through that and then just have like PTSD and just have the worst life?

Speaker 2 Because you're alive. No, you're not.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 People sometimes experience that and have great lives. You can do EMDR.
There's other ways to deal with trauma. You can do it.
You can do DMT. You can do DMT.
You can do ayahuasca. You can get back.

Speaker 2 You can give resistance. You can get back.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. I won't kill myself then.

Speaker 2 This sounds like a lie. Yeah.
This sounds like you're going to do it. Give me your gun.
Yeah. Give it to me.

Speaker 2 That's not a gun. Give me your gun, please.
Give me your gun.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what you would do. And she'd kill you and me and then go, those idiots thought I was going to kill myself.
And then she'd jump out of the foxhole.

Speaker 2 You know what? I would have to take your gun until we're fighting.

Speaker 2 I can't trust you. I can't sleep.
And then, because every time we'd wake up, you'd probably have the fucking gun to your mouth. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Right? And we'd have to like, I'm keeping the war.

Speaker 2 Rudy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, can you imagine me, you, and her her at a campsite, right? We made it through the first night of war.
First night of war is done. At a campsite?

Speaker 2 Well, we're camping.

Speaker 2 We're out in the wild. We're on the run, dude.
It's all every person for themselves. We've decided to team up, us three, and we've used the.
So we're. Huh? So we've

Speaker 2 run away from the... What do we call that? We're

Speaker 2 deserters? Deserters. Yeah, of hundred.

Speaker 2 Wouldn't we? You? You, you? You're not staying with the past. That's so fucking offensive to even hear that.
You would 100%. I would fight for my nation.
Nope. You would would leave.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'd be confused. What direction? So you listen? I would be confused at what direction to go.
So listen to Gambini and fucking Gambolini.

Speaker 2 The only way I would do it is like, you know, you would go, let's go with the children. I think this is a better way around.
Let's get them from behind. Really, what we're doing with deserting.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes. We're tricking them.
We're like,

Speaker 2 guys, we'll go look. We're going to go around.
Infiltrate on behind. Smart.
Yeah, yeah. Right? Where are we really headed? What? Where are we really going?

Speaker 2 We're really going to like Boston or something. I was going to say, let's go to Mexico.
Oh, yeah, Mexico. Let's go to Cabo or something.
Yeah, not north. We're going.

Speaker 2 No, where the fuck are we going to go? Well, that's why I'm not the leader. Yeah, I'm not going to be.
You leader again. We're going to Puerto Vallarta, okay? We're going to go to Mexico.

Speaker 2 We want to go to a beach area. Right.
So that we can live. What if the war is in Mexico, though? The war is definitely not in Mexico.
The war is going on in Mexico right now, but it's not our war.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's not a war. This war is going on on U.S.
soil. Yeah.
It's on the United States and it's everywhere. And we're running south to get to Mexico, to go down to Puerto Vallarta.

Speaker 2 And let me tell you something. First night, we made it through.
Rudy killed killed a bunch of people. She's feeling weird about it.
The fire is bubbling. I'm making food.
You're playing videos.

Speaker 3 Bobby's just crying.

Speaker 2 He's crying. Why?

Speaker 3 I feel like you do that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I don't like seeing dead people. That's right.
And I don't like war. And I imagine you drawing something in the sand, like playing a game in the sand by yourself.
Yeah, I'm drawing a farm.

Speaker 2 Yeah, drawing a little farm. I'm drawing a fan.
Doing Stardew Valley. Stardew Valley sand rooting.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I say, you guys, we have somebody who has to stay up at night to keep the fire going.
Who's going to do it?

Speaker 2 Well, she's going to say she's going to do it, but it's going to go out in the morning.

Speaker 2 And guess what? We freeze to death. We die fucking first night.
In Mexico, we freeze to death?

Speaker 2 On the way down. In Boston, maybe.
No, on the way down, we freeze to death. It's the middle of the winter.
Okay. Okay, okay.
And we're naked. You have to fight naked in World War III.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 Clothes are in. You can't do clothes.
Yeah. But naked warfare.
We would have to pillage.

Speaker 2 Where are we pillaging first?

Speaker 2 Because if there's a war in the United States, I'm sure there's going to be a Vons that's on fire. Yeah.
We'll just sneak in. I'm going to get John's for sure.
And we get a John's, right?

Speaker 2 And then I'll go. Wouldn't it be fun to learn? You know what I would do? This is how honest I am.
I'd still pay for it.

Speaker 2 I'd put a couple hundred dollars on the counter.

Speaker 2 Do you take tap as everything is on fire?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I would get Sunny Delight.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 this is the problem.

Speaker 2 We're in the grocery store. What are you getting for us tonight? Sunny Delight.
And we need vitamin C.

Speaker 2 What else? Oh, fruit roll-ups. We need fruit.
Yep. Because, oh, this hard.
Oh, no, no, really? Because let me say something. We grab bananas and apples, real fruit.

Speaker 2 They're going to get rotten in the bag. Fruit roll-ups stay on forever.
Well, you know, she's going to grab bananas. Yeah.
Those feet are going to grab bananas for sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you'll grab the bananas.

Speaker 3 I need bananas to poo.

Speaker 2 Baked beans?

Speaker 2 We're not worried about poo.

Speaker 2 But I need to poo.

Speaker 2 We all have to poo in the situation. Let me tell you.
No, but I'm only

Speaker 2 constipated. In wartime, you're going to poo.
Okay. Can you you imagine the one flaw of our trio is that she's constipated? Yeah.
We can't fight.

Speaker 2 She can't shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The other guys are like, come out, you cowards. She's like, I can't poo.

Speaker 2 Timeout, I can't poo.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Asking for a timeout because you can't poop.

Speaker 3 Can you say timeout?

Speaker 2 In war?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you can't. Get up.
I'll ditch at you anyway, but you can say whatever you want. When's the longest you've gone without pooping? A week.

Speaker 2 Seven full days. Wow.
Oh my gosh. You're supposed to die.
No, I lasted three days on tour. She said seven.
I know. Four more days? Three is like.
That's insane. Your body's going to.

Speaker 2 How many days can you go without pooping? Truly. I think it's toxic, right?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Generally, you can go five days without pooping before you run into risk of serious health issues like fecal impaction, hemorrhoids, bowel perforation. Fecal impaction? That's a band.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a great fucking band. What's up? We're bowel perforation.
Great to be here, San Diego.

Speaker 2 Fecal impaction. impaction

Speaker 2 five days you're supposed to be

Speaker 2 you went for seven full days and you pooped on the eighth

Speaker 2 i don't know what's fecal impaction what is that all your poop is building up it's like stacking on top of each other wow is that what elvis died yeah well he had it look at that it's the result of severe constipation

Speaker 2 you unre you're unable to regulate past poop and then what happens it just builds and you become a bloated piece of shit wow you become a fat piece of shit that's where the term comes from fat piece of shit Not because of food, because they had fecal impaction.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Seven days, Rudy? You got to eat fiber.

Speaker 3 I'm taking magnesium. It helps.

Speaker 2 But you also have to have a lot of fiber. That's the only way you can poop.
Do you eat an apple? Do you eat apples? Bananas. Bananas are good, but anything fibrous.

Speaker 2 You should have met a mucil on something.

Speaker 2 Why can't you poop? Are you nervous? Yeah. What are you doing? We're going back to the old ways.
These guys got a gift. What did we talk about? What is this? Show me.

Speaker 2 For all time's sake. Oh, my God.
Like the old old days. All right.

Speaker 2 Just like the old days.

Speaker 2 It's a movie called Rush Hour. All right, the boys handed us a scene.
Is there only two of us? There's only two. There's only two characters.
All right, well, then I want to be the director.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Why do I, Bobby, you're

Speaker 2 always have to be a guy. You're going to be Carter and you're going to be Lee.
Okay. Because Lee.
You knew Lee is in the movie, right? No.

Speaker 3 I've never seen Rush Hour.

Speaker 2 Okay, so basically, you have to tell her the character. I think it'd be fun to see how she does it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm directing. All right, so you're Lee.

Speaker 2 Lee is a foreigner who barely speaks English. Can you put it together? Yeah,

Speaker 2 ready.

Speaker 2 Exit City Street afternoon. Lee and Carter walk down the street.
All of a sudden, you're speaking English now, huh?

Speaker 2 Sorry, can I have that line again? That's really good.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's good. Take one.
Seems racist. That was a choice.

Speaker 4 Sounds good to me. That was a choice.

Speaker 2 Yep. What's your choice? Go ahead, Lee.

Speaker 2 A re-roll. Perfect.

Speaker 2 a little my ass you lied to me

Speaker 2 i didn't

Speaker 2 again

Speaker 2 from the top no from my

Speaker 2 sorry sorry sorry sorry can't work like this how did you hire why i didn't i did it's a favor it's a family friend yeah but you can go with the casting it's a family friend i had to do it it's a hire all right lean carter walk down the street all of a sudden you're speaking english now huh a riddle a little my ass you lied to me i didn't say i didn't you assume i didn't.

Speaker 2 Does he have some sort of

Speaker 2 mental thing going on? You know, he's.

Speaker 3 I can't do Asian action. It's not Asian.

Speaker 2 Wait, why were you doing Asian?

Speaker 3 You said foreign Asian.

Speaker 2 I said foreigner. I didn't say Asian.
Oh. No, Lee is French.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a French guy in the movie. Lee? Yeah.
Yes. His first name is Lee.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Lee Bonsois. Lee Bonsois, you fucking idiot.
Wait, but I can't do that. Lee Petit Bonsois.
You know him. He's famous.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden, speaking English now

Speaker 2 a little,

Speaker 2 it's the same guy, it is, but higher voice. Go ahead, keep going.
A little, my ass, you lied to me.

Speaker 3 I didn't say I didn't. You assume I didn't.

Speaker 2 Assume I kick your little beiging ass right now, man. I ain't scared of you.

Speaker 2 I know you know that little tricky shit. Come on.

Speaker 2 Carter starts doing karate moves.

Speaker 3 Hi.

Speaker 2 Can you do it a friend? No, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want to mimic mine? Yeah. All right, I'll do it.
Why don't you read it?

Speaker 2 I'll be Lee. You be Carter.
Yeah. And then she's got to do it over.
So, Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden, you're speaking English now, huh?

Speaker 2 I look at my ass. You lied to me.
I ain't scared of you.

Speaker 2 Assume I kick your beiging ass right now. Man, I ain't scared of you.
I know that little tricky shit. Come on.
See, that's French.

Speaker 2 By the way, this was in the script. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Assume I kick your little beiging ass right now. Man, I ain't scared of you.
I know you ain't. I know you, that little tricky shit.
Man, he had a good gig, huh? He did a good gig.

Speaker 2 They really wrote for his voice. Yeah, they did.
Can you imagine? Yeah. Who else could have done that?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Cat Williams?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Imagine. Okay, let's.

Speaker 2 Let's do it if this movie was Cat Williams. You're Cat Williams.
And

Speaker 2 who could Lee be? Who could Jackie Chan be instead? Well, right now they would probably hire Stephen Young.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then it wouldn't be funny. Then it's not fish out of water.
You know what I mean? Then it's just like a regular kid from America. Can we just have her version of what you just did? Got it.

Speaker 2 Ready? Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden, you speak English now, huh?

Speaker 2 A little.

Speaker 2 Pretty bad.

Speaker 2 A little, my ass, you lied to me.

Speaker 3 I didn't say I didn't.

Speaker 2 That's French.

Speaker 3 You assume I didn't.

Speaker 2 It sounds

Speaker 2 so good, dude. So good, dude.
Very good.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Rudy, I'm really proud of you. You should be an actress, man.
Yeah, have you ever thought about acting?

Speaker 3 No, I hate it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you miss the show? I do. I feel like you do miss the show.
Do you miss us? Yeah. You got to come to Riverside when we do it.

Speaker 3 When is it?

Speaker 3 June 9th.

Speaker 2 I mean, we'll have already done it when this show comes out. It'll already have happened.

Speaker 2 Okay. It happened.
But you want to go to. Yeah, that's good.
Then it won't be a leak. Do you want to come to Riverside and open up the show?

Speaker 2 Open?

Speaker 2 You're going.

Speaker 2 You're not reading a character still, are you? No.

Speaker 2 Open. Open.

Speaker 3 What does open mean?

Speaker 2 Open the show. Go out there, introduce us, say hello, do a little bit of time.

Speaker 2 I can introduce. Can Bobby and I write jokes for you in Riverside? Yeah, please.
I would love it. How many seats is Riverside? We're doing two shows.
Do you guys even know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many seats are there? No, no, no. I don't know.
We're doing two shows down there. I can tell you right now, actually, here.

Speaker 2 Bad friends.

Speaker 2 We'll write jokes for you. We're going to write jokes.
Wait. Two shows.
It's $1,600 a piece. So it's 3,200 seats.

Speaker 2 That'll be funny. It'll be fun.

Speaker 2 June 9th. Yep.
I can do that. You better believe you're doing it.
So we're going to write you jokes.

Speaker 3 for like two minutes. I'll do it.

Speaker 2 It's going to be the longest two minutes of your life of your life.

Speaker 3 Yeah. But can I bring the script or do I have to memorize the script?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it'd be too hard for you to memorize. Okay.

Speaker 3 I'll do it. Cool.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited. Yeah.
Cool. And Jesse will be there.
Yeah, we're going to see who. And by the way, whoever does better gets to keep their spot here on Bad Friends.
Yeah. It's a fight to the death.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's how it goes, baby.
That's how it goes. Tell me,

Speaker 2 tell us. The relationship's been a year year now with this boy.
Are you going to move in together?

Speaker 3 Move in. I don't have money to pay.

Speaker 2 Does he have his own place?

Speaker 3 No. How old is he? He's 20.

Speaker 2 And you're 21. Whoa.
Whoa. That's pretty gross.

Speaker 2 Is there feelings?

Speaker 3 There's still feelings. Yeah, yeah.
But I feel like, because it's been a year, I'm just like always mad at him. Is that normal?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's very normal.

Speaker 3 Like, I just feel like I hate his face right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yes, yes, yes, that's love.
Yeah, you're actually falling in love.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What else does he do? Does he say things that really bother you? The way he says a word, what word bothers you the way he says it? Babe.
Yeah, babe. Disgusting.

Speaker 3 Like, anytime he says something, I'm just

Speaker 3 always angry.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If he's like, hey, babe, do you want something to eat?

Speaker 3 Yeah, then I get. Pissed.
Like, obviously.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fucking I'm always.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Like, why do you need to ask?

Speaker 2 So what, um,

Speaker 2 you're going to be a great wife? I feel so bad for him.

Speaker 2 I just feel empathy toward him. Now, what do you do for him? He sounds like he's very nice.
Do you do something nice for him?

Speaker 3 I cuddle him.

Speaker 2 You cuddle him. Yeah.
What do you mean? You just give him a nice hug? What kind of cuddling? You're spooning? Oh, you're in back. You're the big spoon.
You're the big spoon?

Speaker 2 Or what do you guys do? What's this? Who's in front of you right here? Him. Right, so you're the biggest.
You're catching, standing. Oh, you hug, standing.
You cuddle, standing. What? That's a hug.

Speaker 2 That's a a hug. Yeah, that's not a cuddle.

Speaker 2 A standing cuddle is a hug.

Speaker 3 I don't really like cuddles. So I just hug him.

Speaker 2 So, what do you do that's nice for this man?

Speaker 3 I hug him.

Speaker 2 That's the only thing you do. You don't get him any gifts or anything thoughtful or do anything for him?

Speaker 3 I got him a skateboard because he likes skateboards.

Speaker 2 That's very nice. That's nice.
Just the board or the whole trimmings? The whole thing. Okay.
Where'd you get it from?

Speaker 3 I forgot the brown.

Speaker 2 The brand?

Speaker 2 Like a place? Didn't you get it from a place?

Speaker 3 I just ordered it online.

Speaker 2 Don't order a skateboard online. Oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you don't know what skateboard company it was?

Speaker 3 Fucking awesome?

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. Okay, fucking cool.
That's nice. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Really? Yeah. That's a good skateboard.
No, you did the right thing. The right thing.
That's really nice. That's cool.

Speaker 2 All right, I think this thing's going to last forever. You think it's going to last forever? All right, so it's not love.
And you kind of hate him?

Speaker 3 No, I love him. I just hate him right now.

Speaker 2 Do you guys say I love you?

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 I really like him. He's a nice kid.
Yeah. Good luck to you.
Thank you. I don't know if I wish luck.
Yeah. You know, she's not going to know his name five years from now.
Yeah. That's how it works.

Speaker 3 But what if we're still together? You won't be.

Speaker 2 That's sad. No, it's not.
But I like him a lot. I know.
Oh, see, this is just a test. It's a test of time.
It's a test. We wanted to see because he's in the room right now.
Come on out. Come on out.

Speaker 2 Bongolino.

Speaker 2 Bongolino. Where is he? Where's Bongolino?

Speaker 2 All right. Is he going to come to Riverside then? You make your boyfriend come and watch you do time? Why not? No, because

Speaker 2 he came to the Ace theater and he just disappeared, Brilliant. Yeah.
He was shy, super shy. They were much alike.
They were just leaning against the wall.

Speaker 2 How did you meet this guy again? School. He was just a kid at school.
Yeah. And he said, I like you.
You said, I like you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's cute. It's cute.
He's a handsome boy. Nice kid.
Here's what you need to do. Yeah.
You need to help coach Tito Bobby how to get back into a relationship. I'm out.
I don't want to.

Speaker 2 He wants to get in. I don't want to get back in.
Coach him.

Speaker 2 What is the key to getting a partner?

Speaker 3 Don't be weird.

Speaker 2 Don't be weird. Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 Just be nice. Just be nice.
And be truthful.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't be weird.
Just be nice. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 She says, don't be weird. And then Andreas goes, uh-oh.
I think something happened with the board. He was just looking down at the board.
No, no, no. Why are you blushing? Kick him out.

Speaker 2 Why'd you say, uh-oh?

Speaker 2 No, why? What?

Speaker 2 Let's have a conversation. Why did you say uh-oh when she said weird?

Speaker 2 This could be an example of it, maybe. Telling the leopard to, you know, not have no, I don't know your fucking animal analogies.
It's a good one. He said, tell the leopard to not have spots.
Right.

Speaker 2 I don't have spots. Right.
I'm a spotless leopard.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You are.

Speaker 2 I'm a spotless leopard. You 100%.
I am a spotless leopard. So I just want to know, you think I'm a weird guy?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Now the truth is out there. A good weird.
It's a good weird. Yeah, yeah.
Everybody in this room is fucking weird. I don't think anybody in here is not weird in their own way.
Yeah, yeah. I'm weird.

Speaker 2 But who's the weirdest in the room? You don't think you're weird?

Speaker 2 You look like a fucking illustration of some French cartoon or something.

Speaker 2 You don't even look human. You're like.
Tim Tin.

Speaker 2 What'd you say? Tim Tim? Yeah, she's Tin Chin. He's Tim Tim.
Yeah, you're Tim Tim?

Speaker 2 He loves that. Look at him.

Speaker 2 He's high. You can't even believe that anyone would make love to you.

Speaker 2 Somebody did. Somebody did.
No, you know what? You're a nice guy. I can't believe it.
I just attacked her for no reason. No, no, but you shouldn't have.
I'm a weird guy. No, no, you should have.

Speaker 2 But you are weird. You know you're weird.
Bob, you're weird. But like a good way.

Speaker 2 You think you're normal?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I feel normal. Right.
In the world. A schizophrenic probably says I'm not.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. Like, I,

Speaker 2 you know, when I'm about, like, but you're right. I mean, today I went to a meeting and that's very normal.
Yeah, but after the meeting,

Speaker 2 I was talking to people, and people have this face, like,

Speaker 2 when they're talking to me. Well, they're afraid of what you're going to do.
Yeah, I think. No, it was an AA meeting.
Yeah, they're afraid of what you're going to do.

Speaker 2 No, people have like this cautious kind of like, right, but I'm always, but I'm aware of it. I'm like, I'm not going to do anything weird right now.
What the fuck? Why are they doing this face?

Speaker 2 At any point, did you do anything weird? No. But maybe it's like the things I bring up are weird.
Like what? Hey, we're at a meeting right now. Afterwards, what? Hey, man, thanks for sharing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I said, they're not letting trans in the Olympics.

Speaker 2 All right, man. God be with you.
So you're like, you get some more coffee. Something like that.
You know, some random, you know what I mean? That starts off a conversation, you know?

Speaker 2 With trans Olympic stuff? I think maybe anything slighter. Like, do you like in-and-out burgers? Oh, I see.
Well, I don't, maybe you can teach me how to do small talk. Here we go.
All right.

Speaker 2 We want to go real? Go ahead. All right, so we're done.
Let's do

Speaker 2 a coffee shop. Oh.
Okay, we're in the line of the coffee shop. Right.

Speaker 2 What kind of underwear do you wear?

Speaker 2 Does that seem?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I just.

Speaker 2 I don't get underwear. I like, I don't.
Like, the underwear that I have is the underwear. What?

Speaker 2 Hello, police. Really? There's a little fat Asian guy asking if you like.
Do you like underwear? Really? You can't ask me what kind of underwear they're wearing. They go brand? No.

Speaker 2 So many easier things. All right.
All right. Let's turn over.

Speaker 2 Okay, we're in line.

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 man,

Speaker 2 the weather.

Speaker 2 Yeah? What about it? I just don't know much about it. About weather? About what the weather we're having now.
Well, those are cumulonimbus clouds.

Speaker 2 That's actually what I do for a living. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So check it out. The

Speaker 2 precipitation rate difficulty today

Speaker 2 is going to be relatively low compared to the barometric pressure on it. And what's really going to do is sweep and swap some of the winds that come to Coote.
Do you eat your toenails?

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 2 Do I what? Do you ever eat your toenails?

Speaker 2 In fact, I do.

Speaker 2 The guy who likes weather probably does eat his toenails.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 When you ask questions like that, I just want to break up the monotony. But you don't need to.
Why?

Speaker 2 It's just so boring.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, to hear people talking, like, I've been at restaurants, I've overheard people's conversations.

Speaker 2 I would do this with my arm. Like, what are you talking about? You know what I mean? The best way to do that.
I'm talking about needles.

Speaker 2 Well, needles are what needles to do when they're sewing or whatever. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I overheard two

Speaker 2 old ladies talking about what fabrics they use when sewing. And I wanted to break up the conversation by going, hey, what underwear do you wear? Or

Speaker 2 no, you don't? No, don't do that. Okay.
That's what she's talking about.

Speaker 2 You get in on the joke with them. Okay.
A bunch of old ladies are like. Or I'm an old lady, and then I want to see what you would say.
Okay, go ahead. So, Margaret,

Speaker 2 so I go to the local yarn store and I got this new yarn, but it's too thick to make a knitting cap, right? So, I wonder what do you use for a knitting cap? Well,

Speaker 2 Margaret, they're both called Margaret. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 Margaret, you know, I've never sewed a knitting cap before.

Speaker 2 Well, my grandson loves to wear, you know what I mean, these moccasins. And he got it, you know, his, you know, his dad is metrosexual and, you know what I mean, loves

Speaker 2 to get his

Speaker 2 moccasins from the local moccasin store.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I was thinking about sewing him a moccasin. I went, Marco, what fabric do you go? Well, Marco,

Speaker 2 moccasins,

Speaker 2 you know, sew those. I mean, those are made out of like

Speaker 2 wood.

Speaker 2 Anyway, that's something that you would sew on a Sunday. Well, what but do you go to the local yarn shop, Marco?

Speaker 2 I do, Marco.

Speaker 2 And I love Demetrius that works there.

Speaker 2 He's great. Hey, ladies.
Yeah. I don't know if you heard, but

Speaker 2 Demetrius got fired. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Almighty God, no. Yeah, they caught him yarning on the job.

Speaker 2 Have a good day, girl. Whoa, that's a good joke.
See? That's really good. And one of these old bitches is like, I like him.

Speaker 2 Looks up by Netflix special.

Speaker 2 Wow. Oh, see, that's what it is.
That's how you get it. So, if I went, do you eat your toenails? I think that's not going to land.
That's not going to land. That's just not going to land.

Speaker 2 We're going to get there, baby. Yeah, just teach me.
I just take a class. Hey, thanks for coming today, Rudy.
I really, really, really, really appreciate you coming today. I really miss you guys.

Speaker 2 We miss you a lot. And I hope you keep coming back.
We want to do an old school episode of Just the Three Amigos, and we got it. And we should send us off into the sunlight.

Speaker 2 And he wants us to, he wants us to

Speaker 2 have a new movie coming out tomorrow. Well, it came out last week, I mean,

Speaker 2 and it's The Little Mermaid. I think we can sing it.
Is that dialogue or the song? Oh, Sebastian. Yeah.
Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess.

Speaker 2 Life under the sea is better than anything that's been there.

Speaker 2 The seaweed is always a crater in somebody else's lake.

Speaker 2 Right, Girl? Yeah. You dream about it.

Speaker 3 You have to sing.

Speaker 2 That's a song?

Speaker 2 That's not him talking? It's under the sea, the song under the sea. Oh, the seaweed is under the sea.
What?

Speaker 2 I don't know what the seaweed is. The seaweed is under the sea.
The seaweed is under the sea. The seaweed.
Under, under, under.

Speaker 2 Have you never heard under the sea? Never heard it. Under the sea.
No, under the sea, darling, it's better. Down where it's wet.
No, I never heard that. You've never heard this song.
Take it from me.

Speaker 2 She's a shell, right? Or conch

Speaker 2 with little eyes.

Speaker 2 Sebastian? Yeah. No, he's a lobster.
He's a lobster. Or a crab.
He's a crab. All right.

Speaker 2 Why does he talk like that? They don't talk. He's from Jamaica.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I wonder, you know, just for a quick science question, right? Do like the lobsters in Japan off the coast, do they have a little lobster accent? Well, tell me where Japan is and I'll let you know.

Speaker 2 The lobsters? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Like, if you know what I mean. Putami Beka.

Speaker 2 No. Putami Beka.
They don't speak English, but would they make...

Speaker 2 I don't know. No, they speak English.
Oh, they do?

Speaker 2 Everywhere in the ocean speaks English.

Speaker 3 They say orcas in different areas. They have different kinds of tones that they have to listen to.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 that was just French.

Speaker 2 That's fucking Congo. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's gay.

Speaker 2 That's gay, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, that's a gay queen. Yeah, that's a gay whale.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I get it. Yes, queen.
Yeah. When they make those sonic noises underneath.

Speaker 2 Yes, queen.

Speaker 2 Since I don't know the song, why don't you sing it? We don't need to. Okay, because what you did was good enough.
I think Rudy has to sing it. Rudy, sing Under the Sea real fast.
Go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 3 Under the sea.

Speaker 3 Under the sea.

Speaker 3 Darling, it's better. Down there, it's wetter.
Take it from me.

Speaker 2 Interesting line.

Speaker 3 Up on the shore, they walk all day.

Speaker 3 Out in the sun, they slave away. Weird word.
While we devote in full time to floating under the sea.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know that song. That's this fucking song.
Oh, you just have to do that part.

Speaker 2 I know that one.

Speaker 2 Doesn't sound like that then? Yes, it does. Oh.

Speaker 2 I hear that at

Speaker 2 Disneyland or I don't know some word like that.

Speaker 2 In the background. P.F.
Chang, they played a lot there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Under the sea. I've been in elevators and I've heard that.
I wonder what that conked in. That's cool.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's under the sea where we all want to live.

Speaker 2 One day, yeah, we'd be dead. It's better down there.
Hey, Rudy. Go ahead and sign us off.

Speaker 3 Thank you for being a bad friend.