Harry Potter Magic Boy and Rudy the Fairy Elf

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Hey, man, everybody! Hey, guys, we're back on the road. East Coast.
East Coast. We're doing Baltimore and Philly.
By the way, we're already coming to Montclair and Port Chester. We'll be in Jersey and New York, but they're totally sold out.
But Baltimore, a few tickets left.

Philly, a few tickets left.

And Toronto, the late show.

The late show in Toronto has a few tickets left.

And by the way, just want to say,

I'm sorry for after Toronto,

we're having to reschedule Rochester,

Northfield, and Pittsburgh.

They're going to be scheduled to September.

You can get your money back, obviously,

if you can't do it in September.

But we're going to be coming in September.

We're so sorry.

We're doing fall dates about to be announced,

but we're having to reschedule Rochester, Northfield, and Pittsburgh to September 14, 15, and 16. If you want your money back, they'll refund your money.
Otherwise, you can use it for the show. But we're coming to see you.
So, Philly and Baltimore and Late Show Toronto, come see us, baby. Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends look who's here look who's here look who's here look who's here look who's here look who's here look who's a look who's here. Look who's here.
Yee-haw. The mystery of Jules.
The mystery of Jules returns to bad friends. Let's give it up one time for Rudy Jules.
Yeah. Welcome back, Jack.
She looks like a poo beetle. A little poo beetle.
A little peedle. Look at her.
Hi to two Bobby. Hey, pooh beetle.
Hi to Angela. Hi, she got her hair cut and everything.

Whoa.

She's an American now, right?

No.

Boyfriend.

A year.

They've been dating for one year.

Yeah.

Wow.

College.

A white college.

You love white colleges. All whites.

Yeah, yeah.

All whites.

It's an Aryan college.

What's it called?

Hite.

That's what it's called.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is it called? No, we're not going to say what it's called. We don't want to say what it's called.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. no we're not gonna say what it's called we don't want to say she said she got recognized on campus if there was a height height college what was it what's the like fraternities and sororities like the hazing must be crazy yeah it is you got to drink a drink a bucket of uh beetle poop beetle poop juice yeah yeah rudy jules tell us what's going on um there There we go.
This is where we're waiting for your stories, really. Dude, we're so excited.
And I know you prepared a bunch of stories for the show. Yeah.
Tell us a story. Well, during the spring semester, I was taking organic chemistry.
And I hated that class so much. Like, I kept getting C's.
C's get degrees. Don't forget.
And I thought I was going to fail and so I was really stressed so that's why I cut my hair because I needed like control. Oh, are you also...
That's our version of cutting? Are you cutting? Yeah. No, not cutting.
No cutting. Just cutting my hair.
Cutting your hair. Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's what this generation... We, our generation...
We were hardcore. Skin.
Sick what This generation Our generation We were hardcore Skin But that's like That's like so So 90s Yeah Well you know we're old Okay For us We're a tougher generation We are I'm a generation above you Several Two maybe I'm not a baby boomer You thought I was a baby boomer You'reer x whatever boomer x you're a boomer dog i'm on the corner of millennial and what's the other one i'm on the what's the other one between them uh it's gen x yeah no no he's gen x i'm millennial and one more why gen y no i think you're x i think bobby is trying to sneak into you're a boomer dog don't, dog. Don't try to sneak down by us.
1971 is X. Look it up.
He might be right, actually. I am.
I already know what generation I am, dude. Generation X.
Generation X, dude. Pepsi Max.
If I was a baby, we would have to kill myself. No, you wouldn't.
I'd be living a dream life, dude. You'd be living a dream life.
So listen up here, Gen Z. Is she Gen Z? Yeah.
Listen up, Gen Z. Yeah.
You're going to school. You can't get C's anymore.
How did you flip it around? I don't know. I got like a really bad score in the final, but I guess the teacher- No child left behind.
No. Biology is it you said? Chemistry.
Well, we know about chemistry. Sure we do.
Yeah. We know about that.
You and I got it, Dave. Shit.
Give me a chemical composition. You can composition it up.
Let's hear. Give me a mineral.
C6H1206. Is that- Whoa.
Whoa, that's my phone number. That's Bobby's age on his dating profile.
Yeah, so I don't know anything about chemistry, but- Same. Can you make meth? Yeah, you can with O-Chem.
Like, you can do, like, stuff with the lab. Do you have enough knowledge? No, I don't...
Not me. I don't know.
You give us the knowledge. We have the lab.
Yeah, we got the lab. I have the lab procedures.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.
What are you saying? Like, we have procedures and we just follow. Oh, and we can...
Where where is it at? I have at the house. At your house.
I'll just give it to you. Bring it here.
Bring it here. We'll make meth.
I want this studio to be a meth lab as well. That back room is huge.
Huge. And it's got a ventilation system.
And we won't do it. Yeah, we won't.
Yeah, we won't. No, we won't.
No, we won't. So you learned what in chem? I told you, I don't know anything.
I hate about this can you make cyanide is that chemistry what's the thing that melts people's bones that's the one we want yeah you know where they melt people down yeah they tell you that in class yeah but i don't know i don't remember the name that's that chemo you know you know like that guy that dipped it you can you can oh, lie. Yeah, lie.
Boiling temperature water.

Lie is basically the alternative name

for highly strong base.

N-A-O-H.

Historically, K-O-H.

By using high concentration of lie,

human body can melt.

We can melt a body in lie.

From Fight Club.

Huh?

Fight Club.

Fight Club, that's right.

Oh, yeah, lie on the hand.

Hey, can you get us some N-A-O-H, baby?

I'll steal it for you.

Yeah.

That would be a good villain name. N-A-O-H, baby I'll steal it for you Yeah That would be a good Like villain name N-A-O-H Lie Oh, lie Is it Mr.
Lie Or Sir It can't just be lie It's gotta be something Yeah Bonjour Lie Bonjour Lie Yeah, or something like that Right, is that good? What's Bonjour mean? I think it was Bonjour Mr. Lai.
I can beat that up. Hello and sir.
I throw it out there. Bonjour Lai.
Bonjour Lai. And somebody at home who's an artist, please create a Bonjour Lai art piece and make Rudy in the background mixing the chemicals.
So you can get us. Well, let me ask you about Lai real quick though.
Why do you need that? You can melt a human body. Why would you need it though? Get rid of a body.
You have one. I get it.
You got body. Look.
Yeah. You cut me off in traffic in LA.
You're going to end up in a bucket of lime. Yeah.
No, I don't have one, but if you and I need one, just in case. So it melts bone? It disintegrates an entire human body.
Dogs too? You got some dog bones laying around? Yeah. Late night snack? Cut it out, Rudy.
Cut it out. Honestly, cut it out.
What about is battery acid? That's not chemistry, is it? No, no. Battery acid you have access to.
But the kind you could throw on people people's face you could do that with a bunch of batteries if you empty double d batteries out right i don't know how to do that though well she should know gloves probably don't you know how to empty out battery acid no what the fuck are they teaching you in school anyway teaching you i'm telling you i can't understand it old toothbrush dipped in vinegar or lemon juice gets the job done what is is that? What? Wow. Old toothbrush dipped in vinegar gets the job done.
That's a commercial? That'd be a cool commercial. Old toothbrush dipped in vinegar gets the job done.
Do you or someone you know have battery acid stains on your clothes? You can get it out. Yeah.
Monsieur Lai, to the rescue. Because I always thought it was sad.
Like in India, that was a way of like, you know, they would throw it on battery acid on women's faces. Oh my God, it's terrible.
If your wife, right, if the woman fell in love with somebody else or left you, they would throw battery acid on them. It's insane.
It's disgusting. Would bleach be the same as battery acid? Bleach and battery acid are not the same.
No, not at all. But like the pain.
No, no. Have you ever gotten bleach on your skin before? No.
No, it's not painful. It's just kind of stingy.
It's stingy. Battery acid eats your skin away.
It like, show me somebody who has had battery acid on their face. No, no, no.
I want to see it. She needs to learn.
You got to teach her. The school's obviously not doing anything.
If you get battery acid on your skin, it just deteriorates your face. Look at that.
It rips your skin off. Look at that guy.
That's cool on him. See, that's Montier-Lot.
And he catches revenge. Let's tell the tale.
Oh, boy. Whoa.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What do you mean, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's Mr.
Lai. That is Lai.
And he removes- Bonjour Lai. Bonjour Lai.
Yeah, that's him. And he removes the mask.
That's not a mask. What are those things? You just put fucking- That's holding his eyes in place? No, I think that's like stuff he puts it on to moisturize it.

No, there's like two lines going through by his ear and below his neck.

Those are called glasses.

To get the skin in.

Oh, that's, it is a mask, you're right.

It's a full-on mask.

Oh, sorry about that.

Don't insult Monsieur Lai.

I'm sorry.

Monsieur Lai.

But that's cool, what a cool mask.

When he takes that off, what happens?

The kids are like, ah! Dude, all right. You scare someone to death.
Wow, what a turn. You know, I would probably get battery acid enough just to look like Seal.
Kiss from a rose. Yeah, that's a cool, you know? That's what Kiss from a Rose was about, him getting battery acid thrown on him.
In the streets of Paris? Yeah. Whoa.
Yeah, by Monsieur Lai himself. He's something called Monsieur Lai.
What was that from was it just maybe like acne scars is that what it was originally from by the way this guy didn't slow him down even he married what's her name heidi klum heidi klum come on he killed it that guy it's unbelievable he's still killing there's no way it's the only song i know but there's so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. So DLE is a disfiguring disease.
He has a disease. Oh, man.
Poor guy. The immune cells attack the skin from underneath, creating inflammatory areas and scarring the scalp, ears, face, and sometimes chest and arms.
When they say Asians are yellow. Sure are.

I don't look yellow.

You're not Asian. I don't look yellow.
You're... What is that? You know...
This is the kind... That's climbing a tree.
You are still You're a darker

You're a dark yellow. Yeah.
But why do they say, what are you saying? I don't look yellow. Yeah, you do.
We've gone over this a hundred times. The shirt that you're wearing blends in.
It looks like you're wearing a long sleeve right now. I actually can't tell if you're wearing a long sleeve.
That's silly what you're saying. There's no way.
No, here's the deal. What they're saying is you have a hue to behind your skin.
Like I have a red hue. You have a yellow hue.
Fancy also has a reddish hue. He has a pinkish hue.
Pete has like a brownish hue. Pete's actually more...
We didn't even talk about this. You know Pete is native? Yeah.
He is? No, he is. That's insane.
He is native. He's like 25% native.
He did the DNA test. That's like...
Tell him, Pete. He did a DNA test.
Yeah, Navajo. He's 25% Navajo.
That's like the senator from, what's her name? The one that ran for office? Diane Feinstein? What? No, he's talking about Elizabeth Warren. Elizabeth Warren, she's got 25%.
No, she's got like 5%. 2%? Was that even real? No, I have 2%, I think.
You do? Everybody has 2% native something. I want to go back to see where that happened.
Where you got the 2% in there. Snuck in? I mean, it just, you weren't, hey, huh, ho, and it disappeared.
Yeah. That's it, just gone.
Yeah, when did that happen? 300 years ago in your family lineage? Way longer than 300 years. The native juice.
Native juices were flowing, I think, thousands of years ago. Holy moly.
Yeah. When we were all crossing over each other.
You're Navajo. That's right.
That's the good kind. That's the best kind.
Shout out to Navajos. Our favorite.
We established that. What? We established that.
No, they're all great.

Of course, of course.

Of course, they're all great.

But so do you have, you know, native instincts?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

See how fast he is.

Chase him real quick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me say something.

Fancy, try to grab him by the neck.

See what happens.

See? That is good. Yeah, that's good.
We should give him real quick. Let me say something.
Fancy, try to grab him by the neck. See what happens.
See?

That's good.

That's good.

We should give him a basket.

Of?

Blankets?

Just a basket.

Blankets?

Oh, no.

Not a blanket?

No.

No?

No.

What?

Because I'll give you a jar of smallpox.

You don't have to put it on the blanket.

Put it on the side.

Smallpox on the side, please? No, but we should have you have a basket. See how fast you can gather.
Oh, yes. Yeah.
That's a very good idea. Oh, my God.
He just did three baskets in 10 minutes. He's native.
Native, for sure. God bless.
It would take me years to even fight this fucking shit. Well, your fingers are small, too.
They're hard to grab stuff. Right.
Your hand looks like the claw from the claw machine, the game claw machine. That's's right your hands drop all that yeah it would drop everything rudy who else is in class that you're that you're having fun with you have new friends now i mean what's going on i still don't have friends god bless no you do who thought she would yeah but we barely meet me and then i went to this filipino thing with her secret meeting it's like a concert slash

like meet and then I went to this Filipino thing with her. Oh, what Filipino thing? It's like a secret meeting.
It's like a concert slash like play and it was so bad. We hate whites.
That's what they, we hate whites the whole time. It was a play? A play and a concert.
A play, but I would love to see an all Filipino cast of Oklahoma. That would be insane.
Joseph and the mailing. Cream cup.
You guys do. You should do the Filipino Phantom of the Opera.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
That would be insane. This would be Oklahoma would be great to see.
By the way, look at how many cast members in Oklahoma.'s just one Filipino family yeah that's just one consecutive family

yeah that's one family

they had to cut out

four family members

yeah just as two

they didn't make the cut

yeah

so your classes are what now

what's going on now

it's just summers

oh you're done

that's right

what am I thinking

what was the last couple

of classes you did

chemistry and math

you don't do either of those

what do you mean

five times four

twenty

six times nine

Thank you. chemistry and math you don't do either of those what do you mean? 5 times 4 20 6 times 9 54 9 times 9 81 42 divided by 16 no don't do a divide well then you're not doing college math you can do that? 42 divided by 16 do it 3.865 that's really fast yeah since i don't know the answer i'm sure you're right give me a huge number i can do it i got a little all right 496 divided by 18.5 22.948 oh six five four i didn't of those.
Two, yeah. Whoa.
Yeah. You're like, you know.
I know pie, too. What is it? I can do pie forever.
3.16895642744964968512423. You know what you are? You're good Andrew hunting.
Are you good Andrew hunting? How do you like them apples? Wow. Wait, but I have a story.
Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Thank God. Go ahead.
Okay. So I was at work and then this student called and he was like really distressed.
And then he said like, oh, I have like a late class that I didn't do. Someone needs to help me.
And you're in the dean's office. Yeah.
Okay. And then like, I don't- I'm sorry, Dean's office? She's working in the Dean's office now.
Oh, I thought you were in the bookstore. No, dude, she's a snitch now.
No. Oh, you're in the Dean's office.
Yeah, working for the Dean. And you've met the Dean? Yeah.
What's his name? Okay, whatever. Do you like him? He's fine.
He's old? He's white and old. How old? They're all white and old.
Like 60?

That's not old.

Bobby's 60.

But he looks like old.

Because he's white.

Yeah.

We get old.

And does he know your name?

I don't think so.

Okay, that's why. We don't say hi.

What does he call you?

Nothing.

Brownie?

Yeah.

Brownie, come in here.

Yeah.

He doesn't say anything.

He's never said hi to you.

He just says hi, but like, that's it. You're more famous than he is.
That's what's great. By far.
That's what's insane about it. He should give you respect, that piece of shit, Dean.
How many followers does he have on the gram? I don't know. If he had a gram, maybe tops, 2,000.
Top, tops. Tops.
Maybe 1,500 if he's done some local community stuff. Okay, let me finish.
Please. Okay.
Okay, and then I told him, okay, let me just ask someone because I don't know how to deal with your situation. And he got really mad at me and he started shouting at me, like, why are you so incompetent? Great.
Do you know what you just did? What? How long ago was this? you're lucky that it's summer because that guy was you know that he was he threatened to shoot the school yes yes that's what i just fucking said the guy that calls you mad scary but he threatened to school to shoot shoot the school to. Welcome back to School to Shoot.

On this episode of School to Shoot.

Sorry.

Wait, he said I'm going to do it?

School to Shoot. Yeah.

What did you say?

The manager, I had to transfer it to the manager

because I was getting scared.

That's crazy that someone's like,

I'm going to shoot the school.

You're like, can you hold for a second, please?

And then boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Little fucking elevator music.

So he threatened you.

Then you go, I need to transfer you to somebody else.

Thank you. and then little fucking elevator music so he threatened you then you go I need to transfer you to somebody else yeah but before that he just kept saying you don't know how to do your job you're so stupid what is your job? just answering calls and transferring it that sounds like you did your job you hate your job? what are they paying? $15.50 per hour dude she was living on easy street over here and you went backwards and your attitude it's insane no don't roll your eyes right now do you question your attitude no whoa see you're stubborn you Filipinos are fucking stubborn I love it I love it you'd rather do that I love it than apologize why would I apologize because of girl yeah 1550 an hour yuck and you pay taxes no I don't because I'm a student oh you're illegal that's right you're an illegal alien whoa I forgot so do they pay you every other week no every month and when you look at the check you're like how much is the biggest check you got 700 700 for the whole month yeah not how many days that's not bad hours did you work i can't work for like more than 20 hours a week so i can only like the maximum was only like 14 hours

700 though yeah

wow

do you save it

yeah

no

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it's Kaleala it's Kaleala it's Kaleala we need to teach you about life you've had it too good for too long you have I take care of the dogs that's a human you're supposed to they're your dogs they're your dogs they're my dogs they're his dog yeah and he's not there he's not there because he's busy making money to support you yeah yeah it all trickles down baby it's called Reaganomics Reagan talked about it it's all gonna trickle down and you know what you're living off the government for free because we're paying for you to be here. 700 bucks a month.
You know, I actually think you should give us that 700. You all.
Yeah. Whoa, whoa.
What? We jumpstarted your whole life. Yeah.
You're getting recognized on campus. You're floating through school.
The only reason they're pushing you through school is because of us. You're getting recognized on campus.
Yeah, I was working and like I was giving shirts around the campus. Like friend shirts? No.
Oh, my God. We should send her with some of those shirts.
That'd be cool. Butcher box.
I'll tell you this right now, and this is a guaranteed truth. I'm a meat eater.
I'm a meat eater. And also, yesterday I was driving to the house, and I pull up to the driveway, and there's a butcher box waiting for me.
I open it up, and there's just heavenly delights in it. Oh, it's so good good i love getting a butcher box in my house because i don't like grocery shopping i'm not a big fan and i don't know what to get and how do i get and where do i get high quality meat 100 grass-fed beef free-range organic chicken pork raised crate free and wild caught seafood they have seafood as well people don't know that 100 grass-fed beef that's what you said yeah humanely raised no antibiotics or added hormones every single I get a ButcherBox, I get so excited.
In fact, I share with my neighbor, Steve, sweet guy. I need to give him some because he's always like, I saw the box.
I want to get a little bit. And I said, I'll let you in, but you got to break me off.
Pay for my gardening once a month. ButcherBox is giving us a special deal.
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The Dean's Office

shirts. Who the fuck wants one of those?

Because they're graduates so maybe they want one. A Dean's Office shirts.
Who the fuck wants one of those? Because they're graduates, so maybe they want one. Oh.
A Dean's Office t-shirt? For what? Did they tell you to do that? Or you were like, I think I should do this with this. No, they told me to do it.
What would you ever do with the Dean's Office t-shirt? What would you use it for? Clean my car. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, just the window and stuff. Yeah, it's a jizz rack.
100% jizz rack. They should just write Dean's Office j office jizz rack Class of 23 And so you're passing out this fucking shirt And people are like nah I don't want it No they wanted it It's free The way that fucking college kids love free shit That's like worthless They're never gonna wear it And then a guy was like wait are you jules yeah and then he was like

oh i'm such a huge fan and then like my co-worker was like who was that i was like oh it's just a classmate oh you lied yeah what are you embarrassed you're humble there was another girl who said oh my god you're rudy i was like yeah i was like and then he was she was like i love your i love the podcast so much and then my co-worker was like wait are you on a podcast? yeah well did you tell them the truth which is you're no longer on the podcast yeah because you departed you quit and by the way we didn't get a two weeks notice so we can technically we'll use this for your next employer when they call I'm gonna go bad employee well the truth is people are missing you on the thing yeah big time big time and we're gonna get you back on do we miss her i do i do too because whenever i'm with her when i go to the house she acts as if i'm furniture what yeah you go hello tita bobby and then you just walk into a room no have we ever had a conversation no and i for fucking hours. Because you're so weird.
You're just like... You just keep...
You just like sit down on a couch and then you just look so sad and then you just make noises. You know why he's sad? Because you're not talking to him.
Exactly. It's like losing my daughter in a fire.
Yeah. Or something like that.
Or like a drowning. Or like an acid attack.
Acid attack, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we talked about Hogwarts.
Because it's like, you know, it's like, to me, it's like, what can I talk to this girl about? Right? So I'm like, uh, state of affairs, no. You know what I mean? Things that are going on in the government, no.
She only knows Hogwarts. Oh, the Hogwarts.
Yeah, so I go, uh, you know, Slytherin or whatever. And then you go, no, I'm this.
Are you Gryffindor? You know, first of all, you know I'm Slytherin. You're Slytherin? Yeah, 100%.
Hufflepuff. You know that.
Andreas is Hufflepuff. Why? I just feel it.
Yeah, yeah. So what are you, Pete? What's Pete? Gryffindor? Yeah, for sure.
And me? Hufflepuff. Thank you.
What are you? Ravenclaw. Yeah, that's right.
That couldn't be more true. My God, is that right on the money? Yeah.
Because it's all about color schematics. That's right.
You know, like when I played the video game, right? There was just a kind of warmth to Hufflepuff. The colors.
Slytherin snakes and... You've never seen the movie.
Do you believe he's never seen a fucking movie, a Harry Potter movie? That's insane. Never, not one.
Why? And yet here I am knowing all the bullshit you know. Yeah.
Isn't that funny? The zeitgeist of those books and movies have infiltrated our society. So I know all of it.
But there's no curiosity? I almost know too much. Right.
You don't know the music, though. Yes, I do.
Sing the tune. Because I've taken my nieces on the ride at Universal.
Sing me the Harry Potter tune. The main theme? Yeah.
Okay. Harry Potter, magic boy.
Harry Potter Magic Boy Harry Potter Magic Boy That's it How do you know that? On the ride they sing that? Yeah They sing You're just strapped in Harry Potter Magic Boy Yep Just like the movies Just like it Wow And I know everyone's theme song. You do? It's Ron, Ron Weasley.
Nobody likes him. It's Ron.
Ron Weasley. Nobody likes him.
It's Ron. Oh, yeah.
What about... Hermione? Hermione, yeah.
Hermione sucks. She sucks so bad.
Hermione's, I think, was... It was like, it's weird to sexualize young people.
That's what it was, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah.
They make her like a sex symbol on that fucking, it's so weird. Not in the first movie.
Okay, but everything I see of that girl, they do. I mean, I think they shot them when they were in their 20s, right? I don't like it.
Okay. It's the same thing the way I feel about Eleven from fucking Stranger Things.
They put her in sexy clothes and all that stuff. I was like, what the fuck is this? I don't like it.
But I know all the songs from Harry Potter. I know Gandalf.
You know Gandalf? Oh yeah, man. Gandalf's in the movies.
He's in the background. He's in the background.
Yeah. What does he look like? Big.
He's big. I'm Gandalf, and I'm here to say, Harry Potter, you are gay.
That's his whole thing. Yeah, yeah.
Is it Hedgewick? No, Gandalf. Gandalf.
The gray. The gray.
He makes a surprise business. He can fly with those eagles.
Yep. Right? So he's in Middle Earth, right? He's like, I wonder what Hogwarts, the college is up to.
He flies on the eagle and he just stands in the back. So you barely see him in the movies.
And that whole broom quidditch stuff, I know that game too. Legolas is in that, right? Legolas was in the second one, I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. he too catches a ride with gandalf yep on the fucking bird yep a hawk or whatever that is and they come and you know he plays a little i think it's a condor that they fly on yeah and the quidditch brooms by the way you know those are like sibians what's sibians it's a little like a vibrating dildo you know they put it up their ass that's because you when you see it, you're like, how would they stay on the broom? It's the gas.
It's fart gas. Oh, it is? Yeah.
So it goes in your butt, right? You fart and it powers the fucking broom. You don't know that? Yeah.
It's fart gas. That's how it flies away.
It's fart gas, yeah. Yeah.
And that's where the Mexicans come in. Because they eat refried beans.
By way JK Rowling's gonna sue us

yeah

she's like let me tell you something

I may be a bigot

but don't you fuck up my books

don't you fuck up the story of my books

but I read all of them

we can come up with our own mythological tale

just as good

easy JK

so easy

you ain't shit

we got it like that

we got it like that

we could do it JK

we could do it today

right now

yeah Nucci the woodsman

That's what I'm N be an elf. You fucking sure are.
You sure are. Elf with wings.
You're not going to be Nucci? What's Nucci? No, you're Nucci and I'm Gambimi. I'm Nucci.
Yeah, Nucci and Gambimi. We're in the movies that we're going to write? Yeah.
All right. What the fuck are we doing? Why are we writing this shit for other people? Oh, that's true.
Right. It's Hollywood, baby.
Nucci and Gambimi. And what's her elf name with wings? Ching Ching.
Yeah, that sounds right. We have to go to corporate first.
Imagine the meeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, so we wrote this new, you know, because you love Harry Potter, don't you? We love it. You love it? Yeah, I love it.
Made millions, billions. Billions.
Millions and billions. Yeah, I love it.
Theme parks, merchandise, et cetera, et cetera. We have our own.
Oh, please tell us. It's untitled.
Okay. But we have Nucci and Gambimi.
Wait, the two main characters are Nucci and Gambimbi? Gambini.

Yes.

I love it.

Yeah.

But the sidekick, a flying fairy.

Oh, brilliant.

Flying elf.

Same thing.

I'm sorry, my assistant's here.

Yeah, who is that?

It's my assistant.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Do you work in a dean's office at a local college?

Yeah.

I feel like I've seen you before.

Well, you got the shirt.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got the shirt on. Nucci, Gamb on yeah and who is this this is um ching ching interesting interesting yeah can we hear can well i mean it can fly the wings oh that's true can you how about this i'm a little hesitant because the it just it.
Can we hear your voice, Ching Ching? That's it. She sucks in air and gasps.
She doesn't speak. That's the thing.
Because she needs the air to fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. Ching, ching.
It's what's crazy she does say her name I know what's crazy though it's not her saying it it's what the wings are doing so ching ching because the wing because what you're not gonna believe is the wings right have steel in it and her bodies have steel and when it hits the steel body ching ching ching oh so it's more shing it's more shing than shing yeah yeah yeah right well ching ching sounds good to me write this movie write this movie you die though don't you in the first one first one yeah yeah yeah yeah second one you die in the first one for sure second one i don't know but there's flashback scenes yeah you're in the other one with sure. Second one.
I don't know. But there's flashback scenes.

Yeah, you're in the other one.

With Ching Ching.

What's your superpower?

Flying.

Flying is not a superpower.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody flies.

My wings can produce pixie dust to let other people fly.

What?

So you fly into a McDonald's before having a meal.

You do your pixie

And everyone's just like

Whoa

No no no

Yeah

Ching Ching's here

Imagine how good she'd go over

At like gay nightclubs

Yeah

Ching Ching's here

Yeah yeah yeah

And we could do a flashback scene

Where there's like a little egg

Right

Yeah

That's where we come from

Right

And it opens

And people are in wonderment

And then all of a sudden

Ching Ching

That's it

Ching Ching

Thank you. That's where we come from, right? And it opens, and people are in wonderment.
And then all of a sudden,

Ching Ching.

That's it.

Ching Ching.

That's the beginning of the movie.

That's the beginning.

Ching Ching.

The story of Ching Ching.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Born on a cliff.

Yeah.

A golden mountain cliff.

A golden mountain cliff.

Yeah.

On the 18th planet of our solar system,

Ching Ching was born. She fell down to the earth.
Her egg cracked open and she arose. A metal winged beast.
An ugly, horrific creature. Yeah.
With a face that looked like it had been doused with battery acid. Or lye.
She's nor male or female. She's ambiguous sexually.
Ambiguously sexually. And also very stupid.
Somehow so stupid. Because every once in a while you hear chong and that's you running into a tree.
Ching ching chong. Ching ching chong.
Can I have glitter all over? Sure. Sure if your character has to put that on their face.
I think you got glitter all over the fucking place. On your face.
But you and your face. But you and I, what's our main goal? I'll tell you what it is.
Yeah. You know, like Mario and Luigi, the only thing that upset me about that was? What? Mario always got the princess.
Until the latter versions when they made, you could play as Luigi as lead. Yeah.
Why weren't they, I want them to fight over the girl. We're going to fight over Ching Ching? No, she's not.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not.
I'm the sidekick. all right and barely that because you die in the first episode or the first your first uh installment we could have titty trees just trees with tits on them yeah yeah couldn't agree with you more how wonderful what a beautiful forest with just big tits big tit trees you know tit forest and you can suck on it and like you have something like milk tea or something delicious and then and then there's like a swamp of assholes that's that would be you know instead of quicksand you fall into a butthole and for some reason they're women assholes right so they're not male real tight really tight so they're bouncy yeah they're bouncy so forested boobs and a swamp of assholes what's my name again in it newbie what nucci nucci nucci and what's your gumbeen gumbe.
Yeah, Gambini. We're Italian? I am.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not. Nucci.
Yeah, Nucci. Yeah, you're Japanese.
Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, and I'm Italian.
Because Nucci is a Korean word. For what? Instinct.
Oh, that's amazing. Thank you.
What's Gambini? Look that up. Just say Gambini in Italian.
It's shrimp. No, no, that's, no.
Came from particularly of the leg. The surname Gambini came from a person with some peculiarity of the legs or a strange walk.
And that's a character thing. I think you did that.
Yeah, dude. My legs are just.
Yeah. Like my legs are longer, so long they like go over my head, almost spider-like.
Right. So I have spider-like legs.
I sit like this. These are my legs.
Yeah. I have no arms.
Gambini has no arms. Maybe, can I be small? You're so small.
And I live on, I just chill on your eyebrow. On one of my bushy brows.
Yeah, and I'm just chilling. And I grab onto your bushy brow as my handle.
I I think your one arm swinging. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because you want...

Nucci.

Nucci.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm nucci.

Right.

And somebody's like,

what did you say?

I'm like, nothing.

Yeah.

Oh, you're just like Lenny

from Mice and Men.

Yeah.

Dumb.

Yeah, very.

I'm bright.

You're the brightest.

The brightest of the light.

I'm the brightest of the light there.

Now, these roles are going to be

hard to play for us.

Why?

Well.

You think we're reversing?

That's fucking...

But I do like it.

Okay, good, good.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Who's the princess? Fancy? No. Why not Fancy and Drag? That could be it.
Like, I tell you, when we did pictures of us role reversing as men and women, he was one of the hottest girls in the studio. Okay.
Well, I mean, maybe during the whole movie, Nucci, right? I'm dangling. Yeah, you'd be dangling.
Right. And what's up? You know? Yeah.
And I go, I don't know why you like that fucking princess. Right? She's pretty.
Right. And then what happens? We go to the fucking, you know what I mean, the castle.
And normally, you know, because there's like posters and paintings around you all over the capital. And you only see yourself in like.
Wait, are we storming the capital? No. Did Nucci and Gambini storm the capital on January 6th? Yeah.
But in this world, January 6th, it's something different. Okay.
Yeah, but we do go, an homage. We have to.
As an homage. But I always see you wearing clothes and robes and stuff like that.
But when we visit you, you're completely naked. Now, your face looks like the way you do now.
But your body, we're going to CGI the fuck out of it. So hot.
And I see you. I'm dangling.
And I see you with the hottest body I've ever seen. And then all of a sudden, I let go of your eyebrow.
I got you. No.
Caught you right in my tongue. No, because now, already, now, it's my goal to get her to.
Oh. That's where we...
We separate. We separate.
So now it's you versus I. And then we'll have a conversation.
How come you don't hang out on my eyebrow anymore? Right. Well, that'll be...
That's the end of the second act. Okay.
We know how this goes. Because in the the end you know it's going to end up happening we're fighting for her love right in in the lava pits you know we're back in the lava pits oh turtle island yeah we're back we're back and let's stay away from turtle island okay all right i think this was going to happen let me just throw this as a fucking arc all right so you finally.
I got her. You're in bed with her.

Already made love.

No, not yet.

You're about to.

And you go down,

you know what I mean,

to kiss her vag.

Guess who's already there?

Nucci.

Nucci!

Yeah.

And it goes to black. And there's like a little couch

in her vagina.

And you know what I mean?

I'm already set up a can.

You got a whole family there?

No, I have a flat screen TV.

I'm just chilling there. You're playing Nintendo

Switch. I did it already!

I fucked the princess! Fine.

Yeah, yeah. You get her first.

What do you think? You get the princess. Yeah.

And then Pete comes storming in. Oh yeah, what does

Pete play?

Admiral. He's gotta be like the

Yeah, he's gotta be a captain of some kind.

But he's not

he's half an animal like the yeah he's got to be a captain of some but he he's not he's half an animal like a hippopotamus let's just make him you don't have to do much okay yeah yeah yeah so we'll do sound familiar pete yeah captain what do we call him bartholomew the hippo bottom puss he has a bottomopotamus He's a hippopotamus But it's got a huge vagina sticking out He's a hippopotamus Is it beautiful? Stunning Then you fall in love with him I see where you're going Because I let you have the princess Then I get hippopotamus over there And maybe in the second movie That sounds like a great insult Yeah there's a four way There's a four way in the second movie, there's a four-way. By the way, that sounds like a great insult.
Is there a four-way? Yeah, there's a four-way. There's a four-way in the second movie.
And she's watching us from heaven bummed. No, well, yeah, that's right.
She's dead. She's dead already.
And then God, or the ethereal angel that controls her in the afterlife says, you have to go back down and stop this. So that's the third, the trilogy.
You know, I don't want her to die in the first movie. I'll tell you why, right? I would like, in the four-way, this I veto this I want her dead in the first one okay can I just throw this I'd seen idea though okay but I do want her dead in the four way right we're having a time and I'm shooting in inside I'm shooting inside Hippo's asshole you know the princess's vagina you're everywhere I'm everywhere yeah and fast yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and I'm coming so many times right right? But then all of a sudden, there's a scene.

This is a good, it's for levity.

Oh, this is for levity.

Bring this down to earth.

Isn't levity for laugh?

Yeah, but also, it brings everything down a little bit to earth.

Bring it down to earth.

It's for laughter to make everything feel level.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, then give me another word for it.

No, levity's right.

No, it's not.

Because when she comes, we all float. And then we're like ching ching yep I want that scene what do you think ching ching I like it thanks now that we have the writer's strike I think you guys might have a chance I was gonna say I went out there you know I want to commit commend these guys and girls out there they're protesting all day and I've been been egging them.
I bought eggs, and I've been egging them. And I got to tell you, they hit it with a sign.
Yeah. And I've been hucking at them.
All the writers, I've been just overhand hucking at them. I've hit two or three, but man, really commendable, these guys.
It's going to go on for a while. Yeah, good.
Get their money. Fuck it.
Yeah. The business is full of shit, the amount of money that this fucking machine makes yeah also i was saying i i saw a guy today i can't say the name of him but he was an actor who was on a famous show when we were young and he did you know it went for a while but this is back when you can do one series and make a fucking truckload of money and never work again he has but he didn't have to meanwhile now it doesn't mean shit when you do a series.
Yeah, they think there's going to be a sax right after that.

Sax strike.

I said yes.

I voted yes.

Yeah, yeah.

They sent me the thing in the mail.

They said, do you want to strike?

I said, yeah, fucking strike.

Give us more shit.

Fuck it.

And also, it's for benefits for people that don't make enough money, that are struggling

actors.

Like, dude, these fucking studios, fuck these guys.

They're all making so much money.

All these bigwigs are hiding behind these monolithic buildings of all this money.

And they're like, we do give you guys money.

You don't give a shit.

Fuck out of here.

Give us more money.

Give us all the money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We do all the shit.

The rest of the money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We do all the shit. The writers do all the things.
The producers, the directors, the actors, they make all the shit. So give them the money.
Fuck you, Hollywood. Right? Yep, yep, yep.
You want to protest? You want to go out there? Yeah, I don't know how. I know.
You know what's so funny? I don't know where to get a sign. I don't know where to't know where to go well the sign you know it's funny if we just make our own signs

yeah

I mean

a bunch of writers have called me

and goes

hey you wanna go

and I was like

where is it

just go walk around

I never ask

I just don't

I ignore it

I'll be there

I'll do the next one

this is where you need

a body double

that's right

oh that's right

I know every operating system

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That's like, dude, Bobby was there.

He didn't talk to anybody.

He was seriously upset.

That whole thing of Asians look alike.

This is where it comes into handy.

Right.

Right.

In the situation like this.

You call up Randall Park, send him down.

He's probably already down there.

No, he's already there.

He's like, Bobby Lee.

Yeah.

I could bring. Pay Randall half the day to wear a shirt.
He's like, Bobby Lee. Yeah.
I could bring...

Pay Randall half the day to wear a shirt that said,

I'm Bobby Lee.

That'd be cool.

Yeah.

But I could find a fat Asian guy, maybe.

You're not fat.

Thank you.

No.

Who would I get?

Seth Green?

Who's down there for me?

He's so small, though.

Ron Howard?

Maybe.

Just in a hat?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Or a shirt that says Cocoon. No, it's it's fucking what it's so specific it is yeah you never saw Cocoon I did did you see Cocoon no she was everyone in the room did you see Cocoon yeah everyone over 35 right it's Cocoon such a good movie anyone watch who hasn't seen Cocoon I bet you so many people haven't seen it I bet McCone's never seen it no Cocoon, Cocoon the movie, not Cocoon.
He's never seen it. And he was a fucking film major.

Oh, see that old man? Go to the right.

The very right. That's me? The top.

That's me. That dude right there, when he shot

that movie, was 49 years old.

No way.

That actor was, yeah. Shut up.

One of the actors, I think that's the guy that was like

49 years old. That's like your Dean.

Yeah. He's 60 but he looks 104.
I forgot what

Cocoon was about. It was about old people going to space.
It was about preserving life of the elderly. But I think some of them were aliens, right? Yeah.
Yeah, right? Some of them were aliens, but then I remember Steve Guttenberg was in it. The Goot.
One of the greatest. Right.
You know, old people. Let's talk about old people.
No, we should watch more old people movies. What do you mean? With old people in it? Yeah, I mean, they just don't make it out.
They tried that dude, that one with Sally Fields, the football one with Jane Fonda. Brady, the Brady one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, 80 for Brady. Did anybody see that? Yeah.
You did? How? Why? Why did you see that? I was the first 20 minutes. 80 for Brady? Do you even know what this is? I just want to support older people because I think I'm going to get there.
Right. You're never gonna get there well I'm never gonna be an 80 for Brady part two is that what you're saying yeah yeah what do you mean what would your 80 no no let me ask you what when you say I'm never gonna get there you mean a high profile yours would be 80 for Wayne Brady and you'll have to go meet Wayne Brady you and a bunch of dudes who are obsessed with Wayne Brady doing doing uh you know you're never gonna work when you're 80 why yeah i don't think you're gonna make it you don't think i'm gonna make until i'm 80 yeah i know i mean in the business oh oh yeah probably probably morgan and morgan let me tell you something right now bud if i was in an accident you know and i hurt my little back and my neck, who I call? You're calling Morgan and Morgan.
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First of all, Ken Jeong's a doctor. He's gonna die that's true he's got the secret it's diet coke apparently he told me diet coke yeah he told me

every doctor drinks diet coke like crazy i said really he goes dude every doctor i know six seven

diet coke today yeah but okay well there's gonna be b movies for old people i could be in those

the b movie jerry seinfeld did it no like you know what i'm saying is independent like small

movie when i'm 80 i could do it for what so what you're gonna pay like 30 bucks to do an indie

movie when you're 80 you're tired you're never gonna what? So what? You're going to pay like 30 bucks to do an indie movie when you're 80.

You're tired.

You're never going to do that.

You, you, Bobby Lee will never.

I'll be doing dumb shit like that because I'm a loser.

So what do you think?

I'm going to retire somewhere?

Where am I going to be?

100%.

Where am I going to be?

Well, you're going to, where will you retire?

Yeah.

Probably down in San Diego.

I can see you right now at a big cliff, a house on a cliff overlooking the sea with a harem of beautiful women right all in their 40s when you're 85 years old and they all have they all have like a calendar they're like is it my turn to rub your feet Mr. Lee? that's what I want yeah I see it peace peace and love yeah peace and love peace and love yeah where am I when I'm 80 you tell me oh you? yeah where am I where am I living what am i doing you are believe it or not please say i'm gay please say no you're not gay but believe it or not you were a you decide to keep working but not as an actor or comedian but you wanted to wear a uniform what do i do well you have a grandchild right i have a grandbaby you have a grandbaby what's i crazy about it is you don't have children so.
You have a grandbaby. But what's crazy about it is you don't have children.
So I just have a baby. Yeah, that's what's crazy about it.
We don't know how this happened. But you just one day say, I have a grandchild.
I sure do. And we're like, you don't have any children.
Okay, so you think. Yeah, but we don't know the history and we don't know the story.
Right. Right? What's my uniform? You're the janitor at the kids elementary school

you make a joke i've always wanted to be a janitor that's why i know i know always i know have you seen me with a mop yeah but you're like a wise janitor yeah where the kids ask you questions what's my name i gotta change my name to protect you know my identity i can't be and Mr. Santino, the janitor.

Your bad friends would be long and gone by then.

Yeah, you're right yeah no one's gonna know what calling mr sanny yeah mr sanny mr sanny sanny what happened in your life mr sanny right yeah well one day a good old Asian friend of mine.

Here we go.

Wanted to start a show.

I started a little show.

It was a radio-y show back when people used to listen to people talk.

And that little fucking noodle schemed and scammed me,

sold the company years later, and now he's retired.

Yes.

Noodle is offensive.

To whom?

I mean, you know, these are generations later.

We're far more sensitive to stuff like noodle.

Yeah, yeah.

So this is reframing.

This little dumpling I started a show with. And me.
Yeah, yeah. Just move on.
Okay. Dumpling.
Listen up, you little. I didn't fight in World War III.
Yeah, we don't know. There could have been a World War III.
100%. Yeah, there could be.
What do you mean? There will be a World War III. That's so interesting to me.
And you guys are going to have to fight in it. Well, I can protest and say women should stay in the house.
Oh. Reverse feminism.
Reverse feminism. I like this.
Wow. Because you think women shouldn't work.
Women shouldn't. You know what you've said to me? You've said to me, you've said, Tito Andrew, women shouldn't work or vote or drive't work or vote or drive.
No. She said that.
I'm saying if it's World War III, then I'm going to say that. Yeah, but if it's World War III and you want equality, then everyone has to fight.
Yeah. You want equality? No.
You don't want equality. If it's World War III.
So you want equality unless it's World War III. Got it.
You think World War III is going to be fought on the ground? I don't know. No, it's going to be another version of COVID.
It'll all be biochemical warfare. Like a biochemical warfare, yeah.
And it'll be put in our fucking... We'll all have to drink bottled water because the sink water will kill all of us.
Imagine being in the front lines, though. How scared are you? We're in a foxhole.
If it was real war? Yeah, us three in a foxhole. and there's just bombs going on right and we're just sitting there you know it's okay Rudy you get up there and look first no I'll just kill myself whoa whoa whoa whoa you know what yeah yeah good idea point your guns at me now what would you do if you were in a foxhole with us? I'll just kill myself.
God, come on.

The instinct isn't to do that.

It's to survive.

But why would I go through that and then just have PTSD and just have the worst life?

Because you're a liar.

No, you don't.

No, no, no.

People sometimes experience that have great lives.

You can do EMDR.

There's other ways to deal with trauma.

You can do it.

You can do DMT.

You can do DMT.

You can do ayahuasca.

You can get back.

You can get re-centered. You can get back.
Okay You can do DMT. You can do ayahuasca.
You can get back. You can get re-centered.

Yeah, you can get back.

Okay, I won't kill myself then.

This sounds like a lie.

Yeah.

This sounds like you're going to do it.

Give me your gun.

Yeah.

Give it to me.

That's not a gun.

Give me your gun, please.

Give me your gun.

That's exactly what you're going to do.

And she'd kill you and me

and then go,

those idiots thought I was going to kill myself.

And then she'd jump out of the foxhole. You know know what i would have to take your gun until we're fighting i can't trust i can't sleep and then because every time we'd wake up you probably have the fucking gun to your mouth you know what i mean right and we'd have to like i'm keeping it warm rudy yeah yeah by the way can you imagine me you and her at a campsite right we made it through the first night of war.
First night of war is done. We did it.
There's a campsite? Well, we're camping. We're out in the wild.
We're on the run, dude. It's all every person for themselves.
We've decided to team up, us three, and we've used the rap. So we're, huh? So we've run away from the, what do you call that? We're a.
Deserters? Deserters. Yeah.
Wouldn't we? You, you, you. You.
You're not staying with the pack. That's so fucking offensive to even hear that.
You would 100%. I would fight for my nation.
Nope. You would leave.
I would... You know what? I'd be confused.
What direction? So you'd listen to... I would be confused at what direction to go.
So listen to Gambini and fucking... Right.
Gumbolini or whatever. The only way I would do it is like, you know, you would go let's go with the with the children I think this is a better way around let's get them from behind really what we're doing with deserting yes yes we're tricking them we're like guys we'll go look we're gonna go around infiltrate on behind smart yeah yeah right where are we really headed what where are we really going we're really going to like Boston or something I was gonna say let's go to Mexico oh yeah Mexico let let's go to cabo or something yeah not north we're going no that's why i'm not the leader worse yeah you leader yeah we're going to puerto vallarta okay we're gonna go to mexico we want to go to beach area right so that we can live what if the war is in mexico though the war is definitely not in mexico the war is going on in mexico right now but it's not our war okay it's not a war this war is going on's going on on U.S.
soil. Yeah.
It's on the United States and it's everywhere.

And we're running south to get to Mexico

to go down to Puerto Vallarta.

And let me tell you something. First night, we made it through.

Rudy killed a bunch of people. She's feeling

weird about it. The fire is bubbling.

I'm making food.

You're playing video games.

Bobby's just crying. He's crying.

Why? I feel like

you do that. Yeah.
Because I don't like seeing dead people. That's right.
I don't like war. And I imagine you drawing something in the sand, like playing a game in the sand by yourself.
Yeah, I'm drawing a farm. Yeah, drawing a little farm.
I'm drawing a farm. I'm doing Stardew Valley sand version.
Yeah. And I say, you guys, somebody has to stay up at night to keep the fire going.
Who's going to do it? Well, she's gonna do it But it's gonna go out In the morning Yeah And guess what We freeze to death We die First fucking First night In Mexico we freeze to death On the way down In Boston maybe No on the way down We freeze to death It's the middle of winter Okay okay okay And we're naked You have to fight naked In World War 3 Oh I see Clothes are in You can't do clothes Yeah warfare. We would have to pillage.
Where are we pillaging first? Because if there's a war in the United States, I'm sure there's going to be a Vons that's on fire. Yeah.
We'll just sneak in. I think a John's for sure.
We'll get a John's, right? And then I'll go. Wouldn't it be fun to light? And you know what I would do? This is how honest I am.
I'd still pay for it. I'd put a couple hundred dollars on the counter.
Do you take tap as everything is on fire? Can you just tap? And I would get Sunny Delight. Okay, this is the problem.
We're in the grocery store. What are you getting for us tonight? Sunny Delight.
And? We need vitamin C. What else? Oh, fruit roll-ups.
We need fruit. Yep.
Oh, no, no, really really because let me say something we grab bananas and apples real fruit they're gonna get rotten in the back fruit roll ups stay on forever well you know she's gonna grab bananas yeah those feet are gonna grab bananas for sure yeah you'll grab the bananas I need bananas to poo baked beans we're not worried about poo but need to poo. We all have to poo in the situation.
No, but I'm always constipated. In wartime, you're going to poo.
Okay. Can you imagine the one flaw of our trio is that she's constipated? Yeah.
We can't fight. She can't shit.
Yeah. The other guys are like, come out, you coward.
She's like, I can't poo. Time out, I can't poo.
Asking for a time out because you can't poo. Can you say time out? In war? Yeah.
Yeah, you can. Get up there.
They'll see you anyway, but you can say whatever you want. When's the longest you've gone without pooping? A week.
Seven full days. Wow.
Oh my God. That's insane.
You're supposed to die. No, I lasted three days on tour.
She said seven. I know.
Four more days? Yeah, that's insane. Three is like your body's going to, how many days can you go without pooping? Truly.
I think it's toxic, right? I don't know. Generally, you can go five days without pooping before you run into risk of serious health issues like fecal impaction, hemorrhoids, bowel perforation.
Fecal impaction. That's a band.
Yeah, that's a great fucking band. What's up? We're bowel perforation fecal impaction that's a band yeah that's a great fucking band what's up we're bowel perforation great to be here san diego fecal impaction five days you're supposed to be five you went for seven full days and you pooped on the eighth what's the fecal impaction what is that all your poop is building up It's like stacking on top of each other Wow

Is that what Elvis died?

Yeah

Well he had it

Look at that

It's the result of severe constipation

You're unable to regulate past poop

And then what happens?

It just builds and you become

A bloated piece of shit

Wow

You become a fat piece of shit

That's where the term comes from

Fat piece of shit

Not because of food

Because they had fecal impaction

Wow

Seven days Rudy

You gotta eat fiber

Thank you. You become a fat piece of shit.
That's where the term comes from, fat piece of shit. Whoa.
Not because of food, because they had fecal impaction. Wow.
Seven days, Rudy? You got to eat fiber. I'm taking magnesium.
It helps. But you also have to have a lot of fiber.
That's the only way you can poop. Do you eat apples? Bananas.
Bananas are good, but anything fibrous. You should have Metamucil on something.
Why can't you poop? Are you nervous? Yeah. What are you doing doing we're going back to the old ways these guys got a gift what are we talking what is this show me oh my god like the old days all right just like the old days um all right the boys handed us a scene is there only two of us there's only two there's only two characters all right well then i want to be the director no no why do I Bobby I always have to be a guy you're gonna be Carter and you're gonna be Lee okay is Lee you know who Lee is in the movie right no I've never seen Rush Hour okay so basically you have to tell her the character I think it'd be fun to see how she does it okay I'm directing.
Alright? So you're Lee.

Lee is a foreigner who barely speaks English. Can you put it together?

Yeah.

Ready?

Exit City Street afternoon. Lee and Carter walk down the street.

All of a sudden you're speaking English now, huh?

Sorry. Can I have that line again?

That's really good. No, I don't like it.

No, no, it's good. Take one.
It seems racist.

That was a choice. Nope, sounds good to me.
That was a choice Sounds good to me That was a choice Yep What's your choice Go ahead Lee A real Perfect A little my ass You lied to me I didn't Again From the top? No From my part Cut Sorry sorry sorry sorry I can't work like this How did you hire I didn't It's a favorite It's a family? I didn't. It's a favorite.
It's a family friend. Yeah, but you didn't go to the casting.
It's a family friend. I had to do it.
It's a hire. All right.
Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden, you speak English now, huh? A riddle.
A riddle in my ass. You lied to me.
I didn't say I didn't. You assume I didn't.
Does he have some sort of... Yeah, something's wrong.
Yeah, something's wrong. It's like a mental thing going on.
You know, he's... I can't do Asian acting.
It's not Asian. Wait, why were you doing Asian? What are you talking about? You said foreign Asian.
I said foreigner. I didn't say Asian.
Oh. No, Lee is French.
Yeah. He's a French guy in the movie.
Lee? Yeah. Yes.
His first name is Lee. Yeah.
Lee Bonsoir. Lee Bonsoir, you fucking idiot.
Wait, but I can't do it. Lee Petit Bonsoir.
You know him. He's famous.
Okay. Lee and Carter walk down the street.
I love a student speaking English now, huh? A little. It's the same guy.
It is, but a higher voice.

Go ahead, keep going.

A little my ass, you lied to me.

I didn't say I did it.

You assume I didn't.

Assume I kick your little Beijing ass right now.

Man, I ain't scared of you.

I know you know that little tricky shit.

Come on.

Carter starts doing karate moves. Hi.
Can you do a French accent? No. Oh, you want to mimic mine? Yeah.
All right, I'll do it. Why don't you read it? I'll be Lee, you be Carter.
Yeah. And then she's got to do it over.
Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden you speak English now, huh? Oh, no.
Oh, no, my ass, you lied to me. I didn't say it, didn't you assume I didn't? Assume I kick your Beijing ass right now.
Man, I ain't scared of you. I know that little tricky shit.
Come on. See, that's French.
By the way, this was in the script. Yeah script Assume I kick your little Beijing ass right now

Man I ain't scared of you

I know you ain't

I know you that little tricky shit

Man he had a good gig huh

They really wrote for his voice

Can you imagine

Who else could have done that

I don't know

Cat Williams

Yeah

Let's see if this movie was Cat Williams

Your Cat Williams

Thank you. I don't know.
Cat Williams? Yeah. Yeah.
Imagine, okay, let's do it. Let's do it if this movie was Cat Williams, you're Cat Williams, and who could Lee be? Who could Jackie Chan be instead? Well, right now, they would probably hire Stephen Yeun.
Yeah, but then it wouldn't be funny. Then it's not Fish Out of Water.
You know what I mean? Then it's just like a regular kid from America. Can we just have her version of what you just did? Got it.
Ready? Lee and Carter walk down the street. All of a sudden you speak English now, huh? A little.
A little. My ass, you lied to me.
I didn't say I didn't. That's French.
You assume I didn't. It sounds French to me.
So good, dude. Very good.
Wow. Rudy, I'm really proud of you.
She should be an actress of you be an actress man yeah have you ever thought about acting no I hate it yeah yeah do you miss the show I do I feel like you do miss the show you miss us yeah you got to come to um Riverside when we do it when When is it? June 9th.

I mean, we'll have already done it when this show comes out.

It'll already have happened. It happened, but

you want to go to... Yeah, that's good.

Then it won't be a leak. Do you want to come to Riverside and open up

the show? Open?

You're not

reading a character still, are you?

No!

Open!

What does open mean? Open the show. Go out there, out there introduce us say hello do a little bit of time i can introduce can bobby and i write jokes for you in riverside yeah please i would love it how many seats is riverside we're doing two shows you guys even know yeah how many seats are there no no i don't know we're doing two shows down there.
I can tell you right now, actually. Here, yeah, yeah.
Bad Friends.

We'll write jokes for you.

We're going to write jokes.

Wait.

Two shows.

It's 1,600 apiece.

So it's 3,200 seats.

That'll be funny.

It'll be fun.

June 9th? Yeah.

I can do that.

You better believe you're doing it.

So we're going to write you jokes.

For like two minutes. I'll do it.
It's going to be the longest two minutes of your life. Of your life.
Yeah. But can I bring the script? Or do I have to memorize the script? Yeah, you can bring the paper out there.
Yeah, it'd be too hard for you to memorize. Okay.
I'll do it. Cool.
I'm so excited. Yeah.
Cool. And Jesse will be there.
Yeah, we're going to see who, and by the way, whoever does better gets to keep their spot here on Bad Friends. Yeah, it's a fight to the death.
Okay. That's how it goes, baby.
That's how it goes. Tell me, tell us, the relationship's been a year now with this boy.
Are you going to move in together? Move in? I don't have money to pay. Does he have his own place? No.
How old is he? He's 20. And you're 21? Whoa.
Whoa. that's pretty gross are you is there feelings there's still feelings yeah yeah but i feel like because it's been a year i'm just like always mad at him is that normal yeah yeah yeah that's it that's very normal like i just feel like i hate his face right now yes yes yes that's love yeah you're actually falling in love yeah what else does he do? Does he say things that really...
The way he says a word, what word bothers you the way he says it? Babe? Yeah, babe, disgusting. Anytime he says something, I'm just always angry.
If he's like, hey, babe, do you want something to eat? Yeah, then I... Pissed.
Like, obviously. Yeah, fucking...
Oh, right. Right.
Like, why do you need to ask so what um you're gonna be you're gonna be a great wife i feel so bad for him i just have empathy toward him now what do you do for him he sounds like he's very nice do you do something nice for him um i cuddle him you cuddle him yeah what do you mean you just him a nice hug? What kind of cuddle? You're spooning? Or you're in back? You're the big spoon. You're the big spoon? Or what do you guys do? What's this? Who's in front of you right here? Him.
Right, so you're the big spoon. Oh, you cuddle standing.
What? That's a hug. That's a hug.
Yeah, that's not a cuddle. A standing cuddle is a hug.

I don't really like cuddles.

So I just hug him.

So what do you do that's nice for this man?

I hug him.

That's the only thing you do?

You don't like get him any gifts or anything thoughtful or do anything for him?

I got him a skateboard because he likes skateboards.

That's very nice. That's nice.
Just the board or the whole trimmings The whole thing Okay Where'd you get it from I forgot the brand The brand Like a place Didn't you get it from a place I just ordered it online Don't order a skateboard online Oh Yeah But you don't know what Skateboard company it Fucking awesome. Oh, cool.
That's nice. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Really? Yeah. That's a good skateboard.
No, you did the right thing. The right thing.
That's really nice. Cool.
All right, I think this thing's going to last forever. You think it's going to last forever? All right, so it's not love, and you kind of hate him.
No, I love him. I just hate him right now.
Do you guys say I love you? Mm. Oh, wow.
I really like him. He's a nice kid.
kid. Good luck to you.
Thank you. I don't know if I wish luck.
Yeah. She's not going to know his name five years from now.
Yeah. That's how it works.
But what if we're still together? You won't be. That's sad.
No, it's not. But I like him a lot.
I know. Oh, see, this is just a test.
It's a test I'm doing. It's a test.
We wanted to see it because he's in the room right now. Come on out.
Come on out. Bongolino.
Bongolino. Where is he? Where's Bongolino? All right.
Is he going to come to Riverside then? You make your boyfriend come and watch you do time? Why not? No, because he came to the Ace Theater and he just disappeared. Yeah.
He was shy. Super shy.
They're much alike. They're just leaning against a wall.
how did you meet this guy again school he was just a guy a kid at school yeah and he said i like you you said i like you yeah yeah it's cute it's cute he's a handsome boy nice kid here's what you need to do yeah you need to help coach chito bobby how to get back into a relationship i don't i'm out i don't want to He wants to get in. I don't want to get back in.
Coach him.

What is the key to getting a partner?

Don't be weird.

Don't be weird.

Uh-oh.

Just be nice.

Just be nice.

And be truthful.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't be weird.

Just be nice.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

She said, don't be weird.

And then Andreas goes, uh-oh.

I think something happened with the board.

He was just looking down at the board. No, no, no.
Why are you blushing Kick him out Why did you say uh oh No why why Let's have a conversation why did you say uh oh When she said weird I mean this could be an example of it maybe Telling the leopard to you know No I don't know your fucking animal analogies It's a a good one. He said, tell the leopard to not have spots.

Right.

I don't have spots.

Right.

I'm a spotless leopard.

Okay.

I'm a spotless leopard.

You know 100% I'm a spotless leopard.

So I just want to know, you think I'm a weird guy?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Weird.

And now the truth is out there.

A good weird.

It's a good weird.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody in this room is fucking weird. I don't think anybody in here is not weird in their own way but who's the weirdest in the room you don't think you're weird you look like a fucking illustration of some French cartoon or something you don't even look human Tim Tim what'd you say? Tim Tim? yeah she's Chin Chin he's Tim tim yeah you're tim tim he loves it look at him yeah he's high we can't even believe that anyone would make love to you somebody did somebody did no i you know what you're a nice guy i can believe it i just attacked you for no reason no no but you should have a weird guy i'm sorry no no you should have but you are weird you know you're weird bob you're weird but like a good way you think you're normal yeah i i mean i i feel normal right in the world a schizophrenic probably says i'm not like i you know what i'm about like but you you're right i mean today i went to a meeting and that's very normal yeah but after the meeting um I was talking to people and people have this face like when they're talking to me well they're afraid of what you're gonna do yeah I think no it was an AA meeting yeah they're afraid of what you're gonna do no people have like this cautious kind of like right but I'm always but I'm aware of it I'm like I'm not gonna do anything weird right now what the fuck why are they doing this face at any point do anything weird? No.
But maybe it's like the things I bring up are weird. Like what? Hey, we're at a meeting right now.
Afterwards. What? Hey, man, thanks for sharing.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I said, they're not letting trans in the Olympics. All right, man.
God be with you. I'll see you later.
You'll get some more coffee. Something like that.
You know, some random, you know what I mean? That start off a conversation, you know? With trans with trans olympic stuff I think maybe anything lighter like do you like in and out burger oh I see well I don't maybe you can teach me how to do small talk here we go alright I'm gonna we wanna go real go ahead alright so we're done let's see we're in a coffee shop oh okay we're in the line at a coffee shop. Right.
What kind of underwear do you wear? Does that seem... Oh.
What? I just... I don't get underwear.
I like, I don't... Like, the underwear that I have is the underwear...
What? Hello, police. Really? There's a little fat Asian guy asking me about underwear.
Really? Really? You can't ask me what kind of underwear they're wearing like a good brand no it's good so many easier things all right all right let's start over um okay we're in line at the conversation you know i go man the weather yeah what about it i just don't know much about it about weather about what the weather we're having now well those are cumulonimbus clouds i'm actually uh that's actually what i do for a living oh really yeah um so check it out the participation precipitation we get to today yeah is going to be uh relatively low a bit of the barometric pressure yeah and that what's really going to do is a sweep and swap some of the winds do come to your toenails uh-huh nothing do I what do you ever eat your toenails in fact I do good the guy who likes weather probably does yeah yeah when you ask questions like that I just want to break up the monotony but you don't need to why it's just so boring because you know to hear people talking like I've been at restaurants I've overheard people's conversations i went i would do this with my arm like what are you talking about you know the best way to talk about needles well needles are what needles to do when they're sewing or whatever yeah you know i mean i i overheard two you know me old ladies talking about like what fabrics they use when sewing and i wanted to break up the

conversation by going hey what underwear do you wear or no you don't no don't do that okay

you get in on the joke with them okay a bunch of old ladies are like or i'm an old lady and then i

want to see what you would say okay go ahead so margaret um so i go to the local yarn store and

i got this new um yarn but it's too thick to make um knitting cap. Right? So I wonder what do you use for a knitting cap? Well, Margaret.
They're both called Margaret. Yeah? Well, Margaret, you know, I've never sewed a knitting cap before.
Well, my grandson loves to wear these moccasins. His dad is metrosexual.
He loves to get his son moccasins from the local moccasin store. Anyway, I was thinking about sewing him a moccasin.
I went, Marco, what what fabric deals? Well, Margot, moccasins, you know, sew those. I mean, those are made out of like wood.
Anyway, it's not something that you would sew on a Sunday. Well, what, but do you go to the local yarn shop, Margot? I do, Margot.
And I, I love Demetrius that works there. He great Hey ladies I don't know if you heard but Demetrius got fired Oh no Oh mighty god, no Yeah, they caught him yarning on the job Have a good day, girls Whoa, that's a good job See? That's good.
And one of these old bitches is like, I like him. Looks up my Netflix special.
Whoa, that's really, wow. Oh, see, that's what it is.
That's how you get them. So if I went, do you eat your toenails? I think that's not going to land.
That's not going to land. This is not going to land.
We're going to get there, baby. Yeah, just teach me.
I just take classes. Hey, thanks for coming today, Rudy.
I really, really, really, really appreciate you coming today. I really miss you guys.
We miss you a lot. And I hope you keep coming back.
We want to do an old school episode of Just the Three Amigos, and we got it. And we should send us off into the sunlight.
And he wants us to... In honor of all of you.
Honor of all of us. A new movie coming out tomorrow.
Well, it came out last week, I mean. Yeah.
And it's The Little Mermaid. I think we can sing it.
Is that dialogue or the song? No, Sebastian. Yeah.
Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess.
Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. The seaweed is always a crater in somebody else's lake.

Right, God?

Yeah.

You have to sing.

That's a song?

That's not him talking?

It's Under the Sea.

The song Under the Sea.

Oh, the seaweed is under the sea.

What?

I don't know what.

The seaweed is under the sea.

The seaweed is under the sea.

The seaweed under, under, under. Have you never heard Under the Sea? Never heard it.
Under the sea the seaweed the seaweed under under under have you never heard under the sea never heard it under the sea no under the sea darling it's better down where it's wet no i've never heard that you've never heard this song take it from he's a shell right or conch with little eyes sebastian yeah no he's a lobster he's a crab. He's a crab.
All right. Why does he talk like that? They don't talk.
He's from Jamaica. Oh.
I wonder, you know, just a real quick science question, right? Do you like the lobsters in Japan off the coast, do they have a little lobster accent? Well, tell me where Japan is and I'll let you know.

Japan.

The lobsters?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Like if, you know what I mean?

Puta me beka.

No.

Puta me beka.

They don't speak English,

but would they make... I don't know.

No, they speak English.

Oh, they do?

Everyone in the ocean speaks English.

They say orcas in different areas.

They have different kinds of tones

that they have to listen to.

Oh, that was just French. That's fucking Congo.
That's gay. That's gay, right? Yeah, that's a gay whale.
Yeah, so I get it. Yes, queen.
Yeah. Then they make those sonic noises underneath.
Yes, queen. Since I don't know the song why don't you sing it? We don't need to.
What you did enough I think Rudy has to sing it Rudy sing under the sea real fast Go ahead Okay Under the sea Under the sea Darling it's better Down there it's wetter Take it from me Interesting line Up on the shore they walk all day Out in the sun they slave away weird word while we devote in full time to floating under the sea oh i know that song that's this song oh you just have to do that part i know that one that's a sound like that then? Yes, it does. Oh.
I hear that at Disneyland or I don't know, somewhere like that. In the background.
P.F. Chang's, they played a lot there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Under the sea.
I've been in elevators and I've heard that. I wonder what that called.
That's cool. No, it's under the sea where we all want to live one day yeah we'd be dead it's better down

there

hey Rudy

go ahead and

sign us off

thank you for

being a bad

friend Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Woo-hoo!