Bad Friends Battle Rap

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you, I was up in the belly room and I knew he was in the audience and he really wanted to see all of us go up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the belly room has a window to the main room, so I knew you just went on stage. So I bring McConnell.
I could tell he doesn't know how to get anywhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I take him down the back stairwell through the kitchen to get to the main room. And when we get in the kitchen, he goes,

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wait, stop. Sorry, your burp messed up the timing.

Speaker 2 People are going to think he burped if they're listening.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 listen. Do it again.
I feel like you're going to do something wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm not. Do it again.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I bring him down the stairwell to get to the main room.

Speaker 1 And right when we get down there, he goes, No!

Speaker 1 Sorry, sometimes I have day terrors.

Speaker 1 I have day terrors. I knew that was going to happen.
Let me get this straight.

Speaker 1 So he was upstairs in the belly room. Yeah, yeah.
Through the little window, he heard. I heard it.
You heard Santino being announced in the main room.

Speaker 2 I text him.

Speaker 1 Santino's like stay drinking. So then you go, let's go.
But he went ahead of you?

Speaker 2 No, no, he was like, he saw the text and he looked up and he's like,

Speaker 2 I don't know what to do with myself.

Speaker 1 Right. And then he went down to the kitchen.

Speaker 2 I wave and I

Speaker 1 went down to the kitchen.

Speaker 2 He showed him how to get down the kitchen.

Speaker 1 And then when he went to the kitchen, he went, let me get this. Let me get this.
He went, whoa. No, he went, wow.
Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Wow.
And is there a panda in it or a ninja assassin or anything happened in the story?

Speaker 2 Well, that's why I was like, why is he so amazed by the kitchen?

Speaker 2 But he just really loved that place.

Speaker 1 Why don't you make up that story again and tell it?

Speaker 1 Can we just let that story sink in for a second? Yeah, it's sunk in. On me, it's sunk.
Why don't we get

Speaker 1 we know any writers? I don't know, because they're on strike. They're on strike.
Yeah, bring them in here. Maybe we could write this down, and maybe this is a movie.

Speaker 1 That's how interesting your story is. It kind of sounds like a film.
It's like a film. We got to get Mel Gibson in it.
He's in already. Right.
Yeah. We should get Steven Sagal for

Speaker 1 it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They're the bar teams.

Speaker 1 It's an action-adventure, comedy. It's got everything.
Thriller, history. It was a roller coaster film.
Oh, my God. The level of the movies you guys are doing.

Speaker 1 I know, because when he was going down the stairs to the kitchen, I was like, oh, that's the end of the story. Yeah.
That's what you're talking about? No, I thought that was the story.

Speaker 1 No, that's the end of the story.

Speaker 1 But then you M night Shannon.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 In the kitchen. Whoa.

Speaker 2 It's so good to be here. It's been a year since I've been on the show.

Speaker 1 Wait, is this your one-year episode? Yeah. Let's give it up for Jetsky.
One year she's been on the show. This is your last episode.

Speaker 1 They're really not coming through. That's it.
Yeah. McCone's lurking in the back.

Speaker 1 Fancy, don't ever leave the board again. That's like when you leave the boat.

Speaker 1 I don't want the captain to leave the wheel. Don't let one of the skippers fucking take the wheel.
You know, I don't want to crash portside. Congratulations on one calendar year of being on this show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you think you're going to last longer?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 wait, what?

Speaker 1 I have a story. Give it.

Speaker 1 So, oh my God. So today I woke up this morning, right? I got up from my bed, and you can't believe what happened.
I went down my hallway and I got a cup of coffee.

Speaker 1 Wow. Oh, yeah.
And then I went, whoa. Whoa.
Yeah. That's a good story.
Thank you, man.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest. You tell me one.

Speaker 1 Today, Today,

Speaker 1 my dog jumped up on the ottoman. Oh, no.
Wait, and she spun around and then sat down. Holy fuck.
And she looked back at me, and I was like, wow.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Pretty cool. Whoa, dude.
Pretty cool. That's a pretty cool story, dude.

Speaker 2 I worked late last night. I worked a regular shit.

Speaker 2 I'm sick. I want to go back to theaters.

Speaker 1 Where did you work last night? At the store? Yes, I was at the store last night.

Speaker 2 I worked back door at the store.

Speaker 1 You were stressed out.

Speaker 2 I was really stressed out.

Speaker 1 Why did Kanye leave?

Speaker 2 Bobby was stressed out because Kanye was there and nobody recognized him.

Speaker 1 Kanye was there? Wait, stop. What did you say?

Speaker 2 You told me nobody recognizes me tonight. This sucks.
That's not what he said.

Speaker 1 Yes, he said. That's not what I said.
And your fault, that's blasphemy.

Speaker 1 That's not what I said. Was Kanye there? Kanye was there.

Speaker 1 Kanye was there. William was there.

Speaker 1 William and Kanye was there. The weekends were there.

Speaker 2 Kali was there.

Speaker 1 Khalid was there. Yeah, everyone was there.
Khali.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Makon knows who he is.

Speaker 1 No, Taleb Kwali, yeah. Taleb Kuali was there.
That's crazy. With Kanye.

Speaker 1 And we're not together.

Speaker 1 They were all there.

Speaker 1 And I did not say that. I just said.

Speaker 1 That's not what I said. Kind of, though.
It's not kind of, but, you know, tell them what I said.

Speaker 2 It's different tonight.

Speaker 2 No one knows who I am.

Speaker 2 That's what I remember you saying.

Speaker 1 I didn't say that.

Speaker 1 Why would I say that's the fuck the grossest thing in the world? Can we go back to Kanye? Was there? Okay, let's go to Kanye. That's insane.
Kanye was there with William,

Speaker 1 Talib Kwali, and Khalid. I was with a young lady in the patio, and then we look out, and Kanye's running across Sunset from the store, and

Speaker 1 I guess he couldn't get into the Chappelle show. Why did he leave?

Speaker 2 I don't know why he left. Wow.
He could definitely get in.

Speaker 1 Did he say anything anti-Semitic?

Speaker 1 He did a hand thing like, Bye. Bye,

Speaker 1 say it later. Right.
No, that makes sense. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whatever.

Speaker 1 You'd think he'd hate the store because it's owned by Jews.

Speaker 1 It is? Oh, I know. Oh, my God.
I'm playing somewhere else now. Holy shit.
Gross. You'd think he would not want to go there.
That's really weird that he showed up. Yeah, he showed up.
It's a Jew place.

Speaker 1 They just called the Jew store. They do.
They used to.

Speaker 1 Or Jerusalem 2. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, it's so Jewy. It is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we love it.
We fucking love it. I mean, $19 for a Diet Coke, but that's fine.
That's how it is. Why wasn't I there last night?

Speaker 1 Where was I last night? What did I do? You rested last night. Remember, you told Kusa you were taking a night off.
You went golfing in the day yesterday. I did need to rest.

Speaker 1 And then you said, I'm resting. But you should have been there last night.
God, I wish I would have been there for Kanye. I had so much stuff.
I do stuff about him. I do a joke about him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were. You weren't.
Because he had people around him, right? A couple of guys around him.

Speaker 2 When I was, because I had the help in the lot at one point, so many entourage came in, and he was there.

Speaker 1 The whole cast of Entourage was there, too. They were there.
Dude, this night is crazy. It was crazy.
It was crazy. Was Lloyd there for some reason?

Speaker 1 The cast of glee. What? Yeah.
They were singing and dancing and hopping around.

Speaker 2 They all drove in separate cars. It was a mess.

Speaker 1 Get him. Fuck it.
That's wild. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think what I said was that because.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Could I just say something? Please. Anything that I say to you, can you just keep it to yourself? Because I have things that I can say about you.

Speaker 1 Do it.

Speaker 1 I have something. I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, you made me look like a fool. I'm going to let that go.

Speaker 1 I don't remember what I said, but probably I did say that. But

Speaker 1 just don't say that stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's because

Speaker 2 I said that story and made myself look like a fool, so I was trying to make you the target.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that what it was?

Speaker 1 Smooth. But we liked your story.
We loved it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So, Fancy, show that video that I sent to you. I really want to show you something, Bob.
I think this is revolutionary stuff right here.

Speaker 1 How clever. So

Speaker 1 clever. By the way, so I found battle raps in the Philippines are huge.
Huge.

Speaker 1 I propose you and I go do a battle rap in the Philippines. Okay, but bad friends battle rap Philippine.
I need to brush up on my Tagalog. I know everything he just said.
Well, I did too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can understand it. I'm talking it.
Like, say something.

Speaker 1 I know you took the class. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 I am fat.

Speaker 1 So I think we should do a Bad Friends

Speaker 1 battle rap in the Philippines. I swear to God, we'd have so much fun.
That's the most thing we've ever done. Yeah, that was so fun.
We should do the whole episode like that. But

Speaker 1 I found these videos online. They have millions of views, and people are obsessed.
They're pushing them around.

Speaker 1 And I think somebody said Bad Friends Battle Rap Philippines would be the echelon to me of us traveling internationally. So I think we should go over there, do a show, and do a Bad Friends Battle Rap.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, we went out there and did our

Speaker 1 Friday Show. I know.
When does that come out?

Speaker 1 Fancy?

Speaker 1 It's coming. Oh, it's coming.
You know what that means. Yeah, nothing.
Yeah, nothing at all. Well, he edited it.
It was. Anyway, let's move on.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, dude.

Speaker 1 What did did you just roll your eyes at me, dude? Never. You just did, though.
No. So you just did that.
I have something. Oh, I see.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's getting cocky ever since. Dude, he's getting real cocky.
Why?

Speaker 1 I don't even want to say it. It's going to get hype him up.
What is he cocky? He's got a fucking podcast now, and he's like all, you know, upsetting it. I did it.
Did you do it?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 1 Because you are.

Speaker 1 He texted me. Andrew, please come talk to me for a bad da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
And you know what I said? Yeah. Nothing.

Speaker 1 Great. Yeah, I'm not really.
I should have said nothing. I just responded to that guy.
Here's another thing. What did you do? What movie did you do?

Speaker 1 I don't remember, but I remember being angry because it was the ad where he has props

Speaker 1 and wardrobe. Oh, wow.
Who does wardrobe for a podcast? He does.

Speaker 1 Also, Bobby and Rooney.

Speaker 1 You know, I have a script and he decided to.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think he was going to follow the script? Right. Come on.

Speaker 1 I know. That's your fault.
Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it soon because I'm proud of the kid and I want to help him out.
What are you, Aaron Sorkin?

Speaker 1 You have to do it word for word the way you wrote it, you fucking piece of shit, dude. All right, you're a producer.

Speaker 1 I'm not. Look, I want you to pull up a photo.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying I'm not trying to make a joke or anything, but do

Speaker 1 Jonah Hill. Somebody saw another photo.
This guy, you know how he gets big and skinny and big and skinny?

Speaker 1 There was a picture that came out that somebody showed me today that I was like, man, it looks concerning. Like Jonah Hill now.
There's no way. No, it was kind of wild.

Speaker 1 There's it's got to be on images, maybe. Images.

Speaker 1 Nah, that wasn't it. There he is.
He looks good. No, no.
Just click images, bud. The word, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I think that's it. That's actually the one, right? He looks good.
Yeah, but look at the whole body. He's got.
Tell me the whole body.

Speaker 1 He looks great. He looks great.
He looks

Speaker 1 so skinny and jacked. Yeah.
What's he doing, dude?

Speaker 1 Ozempic.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, oh, Ozempic.

Speaker 1 What's Ozempic?

Speaker 1 It's like a. Is it a weight loss drug? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whatever the case, dude,

Speaker 1 the kid's looking great. Shout out to that kid.
But I saw saw a photo and I was like, he's got kind of like a Tom Hanks

Speaker 1 castaway thing up top, but down below, a little Tom Hardy. Tom Hanks up top, Tom Hardy down below.
Yeah. Skinny tattooed, right? Like, look, he's in fucking great shape.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, what is he working on? This doesn't look like just life stuff. This looks like he's working on a movie thing.
Well, he looked like that in a YouTube movie, right? With Eddie Murphy.

Speaker 1 This is the most in-shape I think I've ever seen the guy. That Eddie Murphy movie, he looked good, but this is like fucking crazy.
He's jacked, he's skinny, muscles out. I just have to say, he's

Speaker 1 a matter of fact. He's the nicest guy.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm not saying anything negative himself. That's what I'm saying.
He must be planning for something, is my point because he's looking like such a nice guy.

Speaker 1 Have you met him? Yeah. Jules? A Jess? No, not a Jessie.

Speaker 1 Jules. I know.
She'll be here soon. I saw her yesterday.
What happened? Nothing. I went over to their house.

Speaker 1 You went to go see Jules and Kalila at their house? Kalila goes, let's watch a movie. So I go, I had some time.
You know what that means. What?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 That was with a young lady last night, right? No, Popsicles. Did you hear? Yeah.
How was she?

Speaker 2 She looked kind of like Kalila.

Speaker 1 Kalila, too.

Speaker 1 She was very pretty. Every girl that get married looked like Kalila.
That's a good question. I've never said that to you.
I know you haven't. No, never.
And I wouldn't cross that line.

Speaker 1 That's really offensive.

Speaker 2 So you do have a tall, beautiful, model-esque, long-term.

Speaker 1 Oh, so every tall, pretty girl is Kalila now?

Speaker 2 Long, dark hair.

Speaker 1 The blondes don't like me, baby. I don't think it's a bad thing.

Speaker 1 Have you never had blondes before? Sarah Highland. She's kind of dirty blonde.
Yeah, but like a blonde blonde? Oh, no. Like a platinum blonde? No.
Why do you think they wouldn't like you?

Speaker 1 What is it? Maybe it's God's law. God's law? Yeah, maybe it's a prophetic God thing.
What is God's law?

Speaker 1 Son, you will not get top of the line. You won't get top of the line.
You'll get 9.

Speaker 1 0.5. 9's still pretty good.
But not 10.

Speaker 1 Why not? Is that God? Is that a pretty good God? Yeah, but why not, God, I would say. Korean God.

Speaker 1 Korean God, fancy?

Speaker 1 What does Korean God sound like to you?

Speaker 1 Why not? No, that's not. You Korean God.

Speaker 1 Andrew, you know Korean God.

Speaker 1 My son.

Speaker 1 That's Korean God.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Audo Bet.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 What do you think God says about you, fans? You think you have a better God than some of us? There's a Spanish God? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Pervert.
He's probably a pervert.

Speaker 1 He can't be much of a god. He's out whistling at women in the street.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking perv. You had a perv god.
So, wait, you went over to the house and what happened? You watch a movie? Yeah, and the movie is the most triggering movie I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Soft and quiet.

Speaker 1 I know. I mean,

Speaker 1 it sounds awful. Let me see if it's awesome.

Speaker 1 It's on the fucking Netflix.

Speaker 1 Have you heard of it? Yeah. 2.1.
They shot it in four days. Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's it about? A horror movie.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 it's a stretch to say it's a horror movie. Why?

Speaker 1 Where does it land? Oh, it's a blumhouse. It's a blumhouse movie, so you think, you know what I mean, it's a horror movie, but...

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck it. I'll just talk about it.
I don't give a fuck. I'll talk about it.
Do it. All right.

Speaker 1 A bunch. So it's shot in one shot.

Speaker 1 So basically,

Speaker 1 it's one shot. So it's like the whole, there's no cuts.
Steady cam the whole time. Yeah, fake.

Speaker 1 It's fake because I could see like when they point to the sky. Yeah, you have to cut.

Speaker 1 Edit there. Birdman cut.
It's a birdman cut. But it's still seamless.

Speaker 1 You don't know where the cuts are. So it's from beginning to end.
It starts off with a teacher,

Speaker 1 elementary school teacher. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's she doing, Crayon Stone?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I like it. Go on.

Speaker 1 And it's after school. She has a pie.
It is after school with a pie.

Speaker 1 And anybody listening don't want spoilers. There's no way to say it without.
Oh, no, I like it. You like it? This is how all good movies start.
After school with a pie. Wink, wink.
Go on.

Speaker 1 What else happens?

Speaker 1 So then the football team comes in, don't they? And then you see her go out in the front of the school. It's pretty day.
It's like 4 p.m. or whatever.
She's a little kid.

Speaker 1 And the little kid goes, what do you have? He says, I have a pie. And it shows the woman, white woman, walk into a forest.

Speaker 1 She finds a church. Well, yeah,

Speaker 1 she's a white woman wandering as they do.

Speaker 1 She sees

Speaker 1 a bunch of her other white female friends in the church, and it's this meeting. Oh, wow.
What? Was Kanye there? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought this. Okay.
It could be. He could have been it.
Because watch. Okay.
And, you know, this is now 15 minutes. You know, it takes a while for her to get there.
She opens up

Speaker 1 the pie, and on the surface of the pie is a swastika. Seriously? Swartika.
Oh, shit. Okay.

Speaker 1 You love it now. No, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now I want to see it. Did you see that? Before I was just like, oh, teacher, wandering woods.
Swastika. You got my attention.
Right. And then

Speaker 1 they proceed to have a

Speaker 1 meeting, a KKK meeting.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. And that's the film.
Oh, it's the beginning of the film. You said it was a comedy or is it a horror? To me, it's a comedy.
It sounds like a comedy.

Speaker 1 To me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then that's the meeting. There's a bunch of old white women in the room.
Well, not even old.

Speaker 1 It ranges from early 20s to late 50s. Wow.
These women, right? And then... What's the significance of the pie?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 They ate it. But why a pie? There is something.

Speaker 1 There's got to be something about it. Is that significant? Well, there's got to be something about the pie, right?

Speaker 1 Because you could have put a swastika on anything. They could have done it on pizza.
They could have done it on...

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 lasagna would have been fun. It's one of those pieces of swastika lasagna.
It's a very American thing.

Speaker 1 How do you do it on the lasagna? It's hard to read.

Speaker 1 You think I've never put a swastika on a lasagna?

Speaker 1 You do it with the cheese, you weirdo. And then you flame pro.

Speaker 1 You gotta come to Wednesday nights. I keep saying, come to Wednesday nights.
Oh, yeah. That's when we do the lasagna swastaka.
All your friends are there, though. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and we'll sneak you in. All right.

Speaker 1 So they put a swastika on the pie. That's it.
By the way, it's not really a...

Speaker 1 What do you call this? This isn't like a spoiler alert. It's on the internet right there.
Yeah. They already show it, so it's not that hidden.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then then they go, and then a priest walks up to the main lady and goes, get the fuck out of here. Like, I guess they're not even supposed to be there.

Speaker 1 The priest is like, get on here. We got some kids coming in.
Get on here. Yeah.
And so one of the women goes, well, let's go to my one of them owns a store.

Speaker 1 So they go to a store and they see these two.

Speaker 1 They seem maybe native, two girls, but they could be Hispanic. I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what the producer said. Yeah.
They were like, they seem Hispanic, but we don't know. I don't know.
But they're browns. We're not going to say it.

Speaker 1 They're credited as brown people. They could be half milano blacks.
Ooh, tough word.

Speaker 1 Tough word, but I love it. Good for you.
What? That's how you say it? I think that's it. Half milanano.
It's milano, like the cookie. Milano.
Oh, like Alyssa Milano. Pepperidge Farm Milano.

Speaker 1 Is that Alyssa Milano half? She is. Oh.
Yeah. That's the way they could say it like that.

Speaker 1 That's where it comes from. Fuck, I knew that.
Pepperidge Farm, Alyssa Milano. I knew that there was something I didn't trust about her.
Same.

Speaker 1 So anyway,

Speaker 1 and they basically tell these two girls, the store is closed. Well, they're in the store.
Yeah. We're just going to get a wine.
And they go, get the fuck out of here. That type of thing.
And then

Speaker 1 they go, you have to buy the most expensive wine then. And, you know, when you tell a minority that, they're like, well, I can do it.
So they buy a $300 bottle of wine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then when they were leaving, there was some sort of altercation. And then the the women go, Let's go to their house and fuck them up.
What? Why? I don't know why.

Speaker 1 This is what's so infuriating about this movie. Did this movie do well?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it got 86% on Rotten Tomatoes. It was a South by Southwest

Speaker 1 movie.

Speaker 1 It's a TikTok movie, so people are talking about it on TikTok. Okay.
And it's one of those where they're like, they can't, people can't even get through it. Did you get through it? We didn't want to.

Speaker 1 But you finish it. We're like, we look at each, we and Claude look at you like, this is so fucked up.
That's how I feel about succession. Really?

Speaker 1 Every time I start a new episode, I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. It's exhausting.
It's like it's taxing. It's right.
Am I wrong? It's exhausting.

Speaker 1 It's like abusive. Will they, won't they? Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they? It's like.
So anyway,

Speaker 1 they go to the woman's house. These two, their sisters.
Let me guess. What? Swastika pie?

Speaker 1 They already ate the pie. There's got to be another one.
But they took a shit. So maybe the same pie?

Speaker 1 They did a shit with a swastika. That's so hard to do.
Pretty talented. Pretty talented.
Yeah. And then, just, you know, if you want to watch the movie, I'm going to give it away now.
Give it away.

Speaker 1 They kill them.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 End of move me.

Speaker 1 End of move me.

Speaker 1 It did move you.

Speaker 1 Can I get that? No, no, no. Can I get that back? No, no.
Yeah, I need to read another take. End of move me is powerful.
I know, but that's not what I meant to say. That is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what you're saying is

Speaker 1 moved me. Move me.
Movie. End of moved me.
End of movie.

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Speaker 1 Let me ask you this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's say you are... Okay, not for you.
You're sober. You're going to a dinner party of somebody fancy, very famous.

Speaker 1 I need a name.

Speaker 1 Jake Gyllenhal. I love him.
I know you do. Yeah.
Let's say he says, Bob, I want you to come over for dinner. I don't know.
Tell a story. Jake Gyllenhaal.
Tell another story. No, cover.

Speaker 1 What do you bring to Jake Gyllenhaal's house? Why do I have to bring anything? See, this is interesting.

Speaker 2 Wow, you didn't even think about it.

Speaker 1 So you wouldn't show up to Jake Gyllenhaus' house with something as like a, you know, hey, thank you for having us. If he's like, we're doing a UFC party, why would I bring gloves?

Speaker 1 I mean, what the fuck do I bring? Well, most people bring booze or food or a gift of some kind of unique, fun thing.

Speaker 1 I've never brought anything to anyone's house. But what I'm telling you is, you want to leave a better impression because you're such a lovable, fun guy.

Speaker 1 If you also bring something, they'll remember it forever. It'll be like, it'll be like, man, I love Bobby Lee.
And you know what he did? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He brought over a a slinky, just one slinky, and he gave it to me. Whoa.
That would stay in there for the rest. Am I wrong? For the rest of time.
Because your presence is wonderful.

Speaker 1 And then if you gave something small and fun, I know what.

Speaker 1 Ruben's cute, but I would switch out a couple of the colors. Genius.
So that they could never get it inside.

Speaker 1 There's like one more green than red. Uh-huh.
So they're just confused. Like, we can never solve this.
What would you give as a fun gift of going to a famous person's house? What's a fun gift?

Speaker 2 Jake Gillenall?

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. For you, just make it up.
Whoever it is. But what's the fun little quirky gift?

Speaker 2 maybe origami.

Speaker 1 I could be wrong. You would make origami for them.

Speaker 2 No, I'd bring a bunch of paper and some instructions.

Speaker 1 And then everyone could do it together. And it'd be like a fun animation.
Sounds like another kitchen story.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 That could be fun. So you would bring them work?

Speaker 2 No, but some people think it's fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you were doing origami the whole trip. The whole time on the bus.
On the bus. How many did you make? There was a bunch on the

Speaker 1 seven on the windowsill on the windowsill. Of the same animal, by the way.
Same animal. Lazy.
Yeah, very lazy.

Speaker 1 Trying to perfect it.

Speaker 1 But you did a swan. We've been there to nut, you know? But it was like a handicapped swan.
I know, I know. It's like one wing, one wing was.
At first I thought it was a fucking T-Rex.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because the neck was crooked. The hands.
It was all crooked. Well, there were the wings.

Speaker 1 What would you bring to a nice party? Oh, that's easy. Drugs.
Drugs. What kind, though? I'd probably bring mushrooms.
And maybe some other stuff. Oh, yeah, you're going to show up to Jake Gyllen's.

Speaker 1 I have mushrooms. They don't do drugs.
I guarantee you he likes mushrooms. No, I don't.
I'd be willing to bet my bank account Jake Gillen held mycundosis at all.

Speaker 1 I'd be the guy with mushrooms, and if there's like hot girls, there's some guys, they'd be like, oh, he's the guy with the mushrooms. I bring drugs, yeah.
What about you, fans?

Speaker 1 I would bring a nice bottle of wine. Right, but this is the stand.
That's what I'm saying. That's a standard answer.
When he brought up the wine in the shop, I thought, wine is this go-to thing.

Speaker 1 And by the way, every time I brought wine to somewhere, they don't give a fuck. So now I don't do it anymore.
I bring a unique thing from something fun.

Speaker 1 I said Rubik's Cube without a fucking thing. It's fucking something fun.
Level up. Level up something fun and interesting and new.
Mushrooms is you obviously you would bring that. Look at you.

Speaker 1 Right? But surprise them.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Here we go. You're a writer, so go ahead.
Hey.

Speaker 1 Easy one would be swastika pie.

Speaker 1 Swastika pie is really easy. There probably is a lot of swastika stuff on eBay, so I would get them like a belt with a swastika on it.

Speaker 1 Cool.

Speaker 1 Very cool.

Speaker 1 Very cool. The other thing that I do is cooking something Spanish that is very unique.
Empanada. Empanadas, tortilla.

Speaker 1 That actually works. I don't know if I would do it to Jake Killer.
Jake Gyllenhaal.

Speaker 1 If Jake Gyllenhaal, listen, if you're listening right now, you want to invite me to your party, I'm going to surprise you with something fun. What am I going to bring?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what. I know what I would do again.
Go ahead. I would bring one single shoe of a child.
Whoa. A little tiny shoe.
Whoa. And you know what? I'd hand it to him.

Speaker 1 Would never talk about it ever again. Or dress up as a movie character for one of his movies.

Speaker 1 Of Jay Chillenhall? See, this is funny too. I know what I'm going to do.
What?

Speaker 1 As a wave.

Speaker 1 What? A gigantic wave. From what? Oh, I know.

Speaker 2 I've seen that movie.

Speaker 1 Day After Tomorrow. Yeah.
Oh, very good. But you'd have to say that.

Speaker 1 He would love that. So Wayne would love that.

Speaker 1 He'd be like, what? And I'd go, remember?

Speaker 1 He would. Yeah, he would remember.
He was like, oh, and then I'm just sitting there watching UFC in a wave costume.

Speaker 1 You'd be just on a fucking ruby. But you have to be a frozen wave like that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a frozen wave.

Speaker 2 It did freeze.

Speaker 1 It did eventually freeze.

Speaker 1 There is a scene where a wave, a gigantic wave.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. What are they called? You should know.
Tsunamis. There it is.
Bingo.

Speaker 1 What's the root origin of tsunami? Why is it called a tsunami? Do you know? It's a Japanese word. Yeah, go on.
And in Japanese, it translates to big wave? Big wave. That's right.

Speaker 1 We added the T. It used to be called tsunami, but we added the T.
Yeah. We wanted to be a little different.
Tusanami. Exactly.
To tsunami, because it sounds like, you know, sashimi, tsunami.

Speaker 1 You had to separate it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you were Jake Joe, what would you, what character would you dress up as?

Speaker 1 Well, I'd be

Speaker 1 the. By the way, no, he might listen to this and also invite you to his house one day.
Yeah, so what movie character?

Speaker 2 Probably the rabbit from Donny Darko. I'd really stand out and people be like, who's that?

Speaker 1 Great movie.

Speaker 2 And then I'd sit next to you the whole time because I know you.

Speaker 1 Or if Tom Hanks, what would you dress up as, Tom Hanks? You know, I just realized I wanted to dress up as.

Speaker 1 I want to be the animal from Okja, from Okja.

Speaker 1 You look at the animal from Okja. Remember Okja? Remember that movie? Yeah.
The pig? Huh? The pig. Yeah, it's a pig.
It's a big, oversized pig. That's what I want to be from Okja.
Super pig.

Speaker 1 And who's who's in that movie? He is. Jake.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jake's in Okja? Yeah. He's the pig.
Oh, he is? No. No.
But I want to be a big pig. But you know what that is? Well, you could go to wherever that girl's name.

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee. Tell me that's not me and you.

Speaker 1 When we go out for a night on the town, you think we don't look like that to most people?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've actually walked into a restaurant and I've heard somebody go, Okja.
They think that it's you and me out on the town. That looks more like Falcor from Never Ending Story than anything else.

Speaker 1 So a Tom Hanks movie, what would you show up as a character? That's good. Philadelphia is easy, isn't it? That's what I was thinking.
Did I take it from you? I know. Well, no.

Speaker 1 No, because at that point, right, if I know, we would like try to beat each other. Who would be more AIDS? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd out AIDS. You know what I would do? No, I would out AIDS you then.
No chance. You know, I would get AIDS.

Speaker 1 Good. I would get AIDS and I would wait a year.
And who would you get it from? What? Me. Shutting already there.
Way ahead of you, pal.

Speaker 1 What Tom Hanks movie would you do?

Speaker 2 I'd be like a FedEx delivery driver.

Speaker 1 From what? From Castaway.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. That's a long stretch.
To stretch. To stretch what I like.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But he was like a more corporate level in there.

Speaker 1 He was never wearing the outfit. Yeah, he wasn't.
Oh, yeah, he was on the plane.

Speaker 2 You have to be a character he played.

Speaker 1 No, but.

Speaker 1 They just explain, like, well, I know you're not a FedEx. I mean, you were corporate, but.
I'll be the snowman

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 the train.

Speaker 1 Elvis. What?

Speaker 2 Elvis.

Speaker 1 Man, you're stretching all this fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 It seems to me that you haven't seen a lot of Tom X movies.

Speaker 2 But I don't want to be from the Burbs. I would just be a dad.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 he just plays a lot of old men. Man called Otto, big.
He literally is playing an older man.

Speaker 1 Well, he's playing. You could show up as a mermaid.

Speaker 2 But that's not him.

Speaker 2 That's from Splash.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. It's from...
But he'll get it. I don't have to play it.
Yeah, it's just something. He'll get it.

Speaker 2 Fine. I'll be Forrest Gount.

Speaker 1 No. No.
Again. Yeah.
Hacky. Okay.
One of the weird little bugs from the green mile that comes out of the big guy's mouth. You could be that.

Speaker 1 That's kind of more up your alley.

Speaker 1 See what I mean? That's more up your alley.

Speaker 2 I'll be the bug.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 This is a fun game.

Speaker 1 So give another movie. What Tom Hanks movie would you be? How about this? What

Speaker 1 actor? Let's do another actor. What Tom.

Speaker 1 What I was going to say, Tom Cruise.

Speaker 2 Sandra Bullock.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 that's a good one. I would show up.
Was she the blind side?

Speaker 1 I would be Michael Orr. I'd show up as a big black guy.
And I would commit. I'd do ball blackface.
Yeah. And I would gain 600 pounds.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 You know what I would do? Well, it's for the party. Yeah, you got to commit.
Me and Eric Griffin together

Speaker 1 would play a bus

Speaker 1 from speed.

Speaker 1 I couldn't do it by myself, but if Eric was like the bulk of it. He's the bus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could be on his shoulder as a driver.
Hey, Bobby Choo Choo, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true.
That's a pretty good one. That is very good.
What would you do?

Speaker 2 I've never seen any of your movies.

Speaker 1 Sandy? You never seen a Sandy flick?

Speaker 2 No, I have.

Speaker 2 I'd probably be like Miss Congeniality for you.

Speaker 1 Love me a good Sandy flick, by the way. Yeah.
She's one that we can't lose. She's the most likable.

Speaker 1 She's so non-offensive. I know, but then you find out that she's addicted to fentanyl and she's nodding out on what's it called in Philly.
Have you seen her?

Speaker 1 No, they caught her on the side of the street. Look at Philly Fentanyl.
Look up, Sandra Bullock, Philadelphia Fentanol. She's on the street.

Speaker 1 They caught her doing fentanyl on the side of the street, nodding off. It's insane.
Do videos. You'll see it.
It's not her, dude. It's got to be.
It can't be her. Do images.
It's got to be.

Speaker 1 You'll see her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Look right there in the top fifth, six photo.
Up. Keep it.
Right. Boom.
That's her in Philly. She's on the phone.
That's the movie she did with fucking channeling. No, it's not, dude.

Speaker 1 You're seeing stuff. And then this one.
There it is. It's not looking good.
She's been nodding off on fentanyl. No.
Buddy, you don't believe me. That's your choice.

Speaker 1 She's just walking down the street, man.

Speaker 1 On fentanyl. Okay.
Look at what this is what's going on in Philly.

Speaker 1 He knows. By the way, have you seen what is going on in Philadelphia? No.

Speaker 1 Go to, just Google search Philadelphia fentanyl. I don't even know the name of the street, but there's a prominent street in Philly where people are nodding off on the side of the road.

Speaker 1 But that's every every American city. Nah, nah, this one's like crazy.
It's crazy bad. But people are like halfway up.

Speaker 1 Like that guy go down a little bit, down, fourth road, down, down, down one more, one more down. This one.
So this is what everybody looks like now.

Speaker 1 Everybody is half nodding.

Speaker 1 It's like they're trying to suck their own dick, but they're trying to stay away. You know what we should do when we're there? Fentanyl? Yeah.
We're going to Philly.

Speaker 1 Hum this.

Speaker 1 Like a thriller.

Speaker 1 And then when we're walking down the street, we could do a thriller thing.

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Thriller! Because this is fentanyl!

Speaker 1 Fentanyl! Get so high.

Speaker 1 You try to suck your dick in the middle of the daylight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's when the zombies coming out of the earth.

Speaker 1 Right there.

Speaker 1 This is terrible. Yeah, I know, because there's

Speaker 1 a terrible thing. We're sick, and this is an epidemic.
It's an epidemic. We're sorry.
But it's.

Speaker 1 Down, down, down, down.

Speaker 1 Because this is Freyland!

Speaker 1 Freya!

Speaker 1 I got to tell you.

Speaker 1 It's terrible. That's terrible.
It's terrible. What are we doing?

Speaker 1 That's what's worth it. Kensington, right? Look that up.

Speaker 1 That's it. Kensington Avenue in Philly.
It's the most prominent area of fentanyl use in the United States. Oh, my God.
It's so sad, so tragic. It's wild, but they are, it does look like thriller.

Speaker 1 Imagine if one guy was nodding off and you walked by him and he just popped up and went, shambown! And then you're right back.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 Because this is fentanyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, should we bring in our guest?

Speaker 1 We got a guest that's here. He just showed up.
He's here, right? Is he here? He's here. Bring him the fuck on in.
I forgot who it was.

Speaker 1 Good friend of ours, one of our favorite homies on Earth, Jay Larson. Oh, the Jay Larson's here.

Speaker 1 Hello, Captain. How are you? Good to see you.
Jay Lawson. Great to be here.
Jay Lawson, sit down there. Jay, you live still on the west side or what? I'm on the west side, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you like it over there? Yeah, I love it. Can I just say my favorite thing is that there's not even glass right there.
They're just like in a takeout window.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they do with the Hispanics.

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all,

Speaker 1 you made it racial, and although that may be true, we don't need to communicate that to the public. Right.
Don't make it about race. You're back there because you're below us.

Speaker 1 I do love that he's the whitest Hispanic I've ever seen in my life. They both are.
Carlos is Mexican.

Speaker 1 That is Carlos and Andres. We couldn't find more light-skinned Spanish people on Earth.

Speaker 1 That's what they said in the ad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yay. Let's play a game.
Do you remember the one time that you were mad at me? Ooh, I want to hear it. Oh, yeah.
But I think there's more than one. No, that's the only...

Speaker 1 I could only think of one, but

Speaker 1 you know the more than one time you were mad at me? Time? No, I remember the...

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Plural? Times? When we were going to run your special and you didn't show up that time? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what's funny? What? I just went on a date with a girl.

Speaker 1 And we matched on a dating app, went on a date, and she's like, yeah, you know,

Speaker 1 the first time I started being interested. No, actually, I never wanted to do, yes, I did.

Speaker 1 She goes, I started being interested in you, and she was like, Went to see Bobby Lee for on his hour, and he didn't show up.

Speaker 1 And I remember everyone was so bummed that Bobby wasn't there, but then you went up and you had such a great set. And I was like, Who's this guy? Amazing, stolen, stolen, right?

Speaker 1 Out from under you. But the thing is, I love Bobby Lee and always, always have.
And I was more, I wasn't mad at you. I just wanted you to care more because I

Speaker 1 think everybody loves watching you do stand-up. That's right.

Speaker 2 That sounds like a good story, though.

Speaker 1 Sounds like a great story. Bob was mad at me for a while, though.
How long were you mad at Bob for?

Speaker 1 Not long. Maybe two, two and a half years.

Speaker 1 I honestly thought it took a while because

Speaker 1 there was like a weirdness between us, I think. No, because, yeah, because you're fucking weird as fuck.
Yeah, you're weird. That's unsalting.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Unsalting?

Speaker 1 Unsalting? No, no, don't. He just learned unsalted, so he gets these confused dogs.
All right, because it's not. Because when we go out and something's unsalted, he goes, that's insulting.

Speaker 1 And I go, Bob, it's unsalted. Unsalted.
And he'll just mix these things up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you trying to, honestly, look, are you trying to say that for any genuine that you're not strange?

Speaker 1 You're strange in a good way. No.
You don't think you're strange at all. Listen, I'm going to say, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Bobby is right.

Speaker 1 By the way, write it down, Bobby. 100% Boby now.

Speaker 1 I think you've grown a lot emotionally in that it used to be that you come up and you'd be like, hey, buddy, and you give a hug hug, and then you try to slap me in the dick, and then you would leave.

Speaker 1 And now you come up and you genuinely look at me, like, hey, how are you? You know what I mean? You're growing as a man. That's great.
Would you say that's I'm fine?

Speaker 1 Will you say this then? Yeah. That was once weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think you were just worried about

Speaker 1 you would, you thought I was going to be mad at you, and so you were going to be awkward, but I was like, I still love you, bro. Yeah.
Yeah. I just don't want any fucking bad feelings between us.

Speaker 1 And there are no. Was there another time that I'm that weird? No, no, not at all.
I imagine there there was all right.

Speaker 1 Let me get the list.

Speaker 1 Since Hito had me prep, he's like, Have you had falling outs with other comics before?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't look at this as a falling out with you. Yeah.
It's funny. I have falling outs.
Every comic has falling outs with other comics. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a part of the world of the business of like, she's too young to know it yet. Have you had any?

Speaker 2 Not like... No, like I've drifted away from people, but I think that's different than

Speaker 1 we're talking about. No, no, thank you.
Don't need to see you ever again.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 1 That happens in our business because we're too close. We're on top of each other all the time.
Yeah. So you eventually go, no, thank you.
I'm okay.

Speaker 1 And then you've got to navigate it because sometimes they're famous or whatever and they're doing well. So it's like you do it in your own way by ignoring.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, we all have our own way, but you know, for the most part, it's. I have a list.
I know. Do you have a list? Of what? Of people you don't like?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Jay, if you're going over to a famous man or woman's house, they invite you to a dinner party. What are you bringing?

Speaker 1 I mean, you got to bring a bottle of wine, right? See, that was the initial thing, was wine. They're not going to want you to bring food.
But we said nowadays, they don't even care about the wine.

Speaker 1 No one gives a shit anymore. They fuck it off.
They usually go, oh, thank you. Yeah.
And then they throw it away. So we said you got to bring something else a little bit more fun or memorable.

Speaker 1 He said a Rubik's Cube missing a couple of colors.

Speaker 1 That's not what I'm starting with. I was thinking maybe you bring like you you make like a pre-made high-end cocktail for everyone.

Speaker 1 If we're not fucking with wine, we're like, but

Speaker 1 if they're bougie and they do it right, they're going to have everything dialed in food and drink-wise anyway. So maybe the Rubik's is the play.

Speaker 1 I don't know about missing the colors. No, you want to find it.

Speaker 1 We add extra colors.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'll never be able to

Speaker 1 solve it. Got it, yeah.
It's unsolvable.

Speaker 1 But you think they're going to just sit down and be like, hey, guys, everybody, hold up. We got a Rubik's.
Let's solve this real quick. Well, you know, those guys can solve it in six seconds, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Rick Lassman can. Yeah, yeah.
Anybody with autism, I think that's part of the thing. They can do it.
It's what it comes to. It's like you're born with a wizard.

Speaker 1 What's the world record on solving a Rubik's Cube? I'll tell you right now. What? Give it.
Before I look.

Speaker 1 I'll say it's 3.8 seconds.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say

Speaker 1 4.7. 4.7.
I'd say 7.4. Seven seconds.
We say Chetsky.

Speaker 2 I was thinking minutes originally.

Speaker 1 Well, go for it then. Stick to your bad answer.
Three minutes. Don't bail out on a shitty answer.
I know what's wrong now with your guesses. Your way though.

Speaker 1 Rubik's Cube World Record, talented nine-year-old Chinese boy. 469.
That was pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen this? Can you just put,

Speaker 1 show them how. You're not going to believe this shit.

Speaker 1 I've never solved one. Me either.
Have you ever solved one? Never. I've had one.
Never. All my life.
It's still not. I've never solved it.
And I don't care if I ever do. I don't ever want.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I threw it. I am.

Speaker 1 I am. I got to be honest.
I'm blown away he's Chinese.

Speaker 1 I mean, of all the places I think

Speaker 1 he would be from. That's not, that's a white.
That's a man. Just to see him do it.
That's an old standard white. No, it's not.
He's not. No, go, go, go.

Speaker 1 Ready? Look at it. That's 4.22.
This is a new world record. Oh.

Speaker 1 Boom. Wow.
Holy shit. My favorite is when they, you see how he picked it up at first and looks at it? Yeah.
They look at it. They get time to look at it.
So they have it like under a thing.

Speaker 1 Then you get a chance to look at it and then they put it down, like, all right, I'm ready. So they process what it looks like, and then they go.

Speaker 1 But I feel like there's got to be a category where you don't get to look at it first, because that to me seems like the real challenge. Not looking at it.
All right. Well, am I wrong?

Speaker 1 Make it hard enough. Then make it hard enough.

Speaker 1 You know what's so funny about the human mind?

Speaker 1 I bet you at some point in the future, not looking at it and looking at it, they'll be able to beat the looking at it before because that's how dedicated the mind is.

Speaker 1 Or there's just going to be two records. There'll be two records.
Two records, right? Well, he looked at it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say something that's going to be a controversial. You might have to cut it out.
No, no, leave it in. All right, leave it in.
So,

Speaker 1 notice the people that are doing it are all skinny. A fat guy wouldn't be able to do it.
I'd be thinking about food the whole time.

Speaker 1 Their fingers are too big. Their fingers are too big.
Oh, is that what it is? I think so. You have to be nimble, no? Is that a controversial?

Speaker 1 Look, Google, is there any fat Rubik's Cube chip? I love that. This is controversial for you.
Oh,

Speaker 1 well, I've said some things. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It doesn't always work that way, though, because the hot dog champion, he's skinny. The hot dog.

Speaker 1 Joey Chestnut.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's skinny.

Speaker 1 But the inside's fat.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, no, he's skinny fat. There is a thing called skinny fat where he's

Speaker 1 his

Speaker 1 he's bigger than you look than he looks. He's not fat, but he's just got more space than no.
I mean, they're pretty skinny, I think. Some of them I've seen.

Speaker 1 I don't even understand. How does he even find out that that's the skill set that he has? See,

Speaker 1 this is another thing, right? Like with sports. With sports, you go, you can see athleticism started.
You go, wow, the kid's got a thing in the thing. This is a dare.

Speaker 1 Like in college, like she said, for real, Del Taco used to have 25 cent tacos on Tuesday nights.

Speaker 1 So we would go to the dorm, and there's a couple of guys, we would all usually just get a few tacos, but there's a couple of guys that were like, I'm going to see how many I can eat.

Speaker 1 And they would battle, and whoever ate more, the other guy would pay for them. And there was one dude on our haul that was a little tizzy.
He had a little tizzom. Interesting cat.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't look you in the eye.

Speaker 1 A little tizzy. Looked you on a third button down.
Sweet kid. He could eat like 20 tacos, no shit from Del Taco, house them, 20 tacos, and still be fine.
Didn't like pass out a throw up.

Speaker 1 He felt ill, but it was fine. And I think it's one of those moments like that that people go, I think I have a weird capability of eating way too much food.

Speaker 1 Go to a full body one. You can't tell from the chest up there.
See, he's bigger than you think. He's got a pistachio commercial right now.
He does the joke. Joey chestnut.
That's not big.

Speaker 1 He might have that like

Speaker 1 beer gut, you know, but he's just. I think he's got a big can.
Maybe his can is good size.

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Speaker 1 In college, we used to go to parties. If we went to a frat house and they had a pool room, they'd always had a pool table.
We'd steal one ball. We'd always steal one ball.

Speaker 1 Did you ever get the full set? No, no, no, no. We'd always just like to steal a ball because it would fuck because

Speaker 1 now they have to go get. Yeah.
And you can't buy one ball. Amazon didn't exist back then.
Some pledge got his ass handed to me. I know.
I love one ball. We used to steal one ball all the time.

Speaker 1 My dad fired three employees because of me, and I never told anybody. Why?

Speaker 1 Because I stole $14,000 from my dad's save.

Speaker 1 Timeout. Hold on.
$14,000? Escalated. What the fuck, Bobby? I used to steal a pool ball.
You stole $14,000? Not in one shot. Even still.

Speaker 1 What was your average?

Speaker 1 When I was in using it, when I was 17, when I was using drugs,

Speaker 1 every Friday, my dad would, he had six clothing stores in San Diego. Fashion Gal.
Right.

Speaker 1 So he would go, he would go to every fashion gale and pick up money in these brown paper bags that were stapled.

Speaker 1 and then bring it back to our house, put it in the safe, and then Monday he would deposit it. I don't know why he did it that way.
And you knew the safe combination? No, I said,

Speaker 1 I had my license, so I'll do that for you, dad. Scumbag.
Right? So I would go, I would get, I bought a stapler, and I opened the bag, I would take a couple hundred bucks out. It's so funny.

Speaker 1 I love that the big investment was a stapler for this whole operation.

Speaker 1 But I got to get a lot of credit. I would stable it back together.
And in his mind, he thought it was like his employees, so he fired them. So three people lost their jobs.
It was you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I had to do math.

Speaker 1 And now your dad is dead because of all this. Yeah.
He knows now, probably, wherever he is. Wait, you think he's dead for the stress from the firings?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he knew those people were good people. They had nothing to do with that.
Yeah. No, and I think his dad died honestly because those people were good people.
He knew it. He felt bad.

Speaker 1 And he thought something was afoot.

Speaker 1 And sure enough. That's not one of them.
But you think you stole around $10,000 to $14,000? Yeah, a lot. Did you? Yeah.
How much? You know, I used to steal from my dad. My dad kept his wallet

Speaker 1 in his top sock drawer. And if it wasn't on him and it was in there, I know that's because he's in the shower or he always kept his wallet on him.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't know because you heard the shower running. If I knew he was in the shower, I could get in there and go get the wallet.

Speaker 1 But he would always keep, like, he always kept cash, but he would keep a couple hundred bucks in his wallet at any given time.

Speaker 1 But if he had broken 100 during the day, I could snipe a 20 or two out of there. But if I took 100, he'd beat the shit.
He would know.

Speaker 1 Did you ever get caught?

Speaker 1 One time he said something to me about, I think he had asked,

Speaker 1 he forgot if he gave me money to get me and my sister pizza. And he's like, did I give you cash for that? And I was like, yeah, I think you did.
And he's like, did you give me the change?

Speaker 1 And I was like, I think I did give you the change. And he's like, yeah, I'm short a little bit of money.
Did you, you gave me the change? And then I immediately got to my room.

Speaker 1 And then I, oh, I found it. Yeah.
He knew. In my jeans.
Very good. Very good.
I found it, Dad. I'm sorry.
That was. But then I think he put it together.
That I must have been sniping.

Speaker 1 But a $100 bill would have never. That's insane.
But even in consequence, he would punch you? Well, he'd punch me in just for

Speaker 1 regular days, but

Speaker 1 in the face or just like in the shoulder, like a couple of body shots. I got a body shot.
No, he wouldn't punch me. I don't know.
I actually don't know. Like, every kid steals from their parents.

Speaker 1 I don't know what they would have done if they found out that I was thievering. Did you guys steal? Did they have that in Mexico? No.
What about in Spain? You don't steal from your parents?

Speaker 1 You don't steal at all. Nobody's missing.
Are pesos coins? Hold on. Did your parents have money? Yeah, look at them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, if your parents have the money to give you, then it's a different story. But if you're like needing to get something, you know,

Speaker 1 did you ever steal money?

Speaker 2 No, I did steal Viking.

Speaker 1 You did for your mom?

Speaker 2 No, my stepdad had a

Speaker 2 pill bottle in the bathroom. And I would just get one pill at a time.
Similar to your story, I wouldn't take the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Can't you take the whole thing?

Speaker 2 A little bit off the top.

Speaker 1 You never can, yeah.

Speaker 1 I know you're from Arizona. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're going for money. You're going for pills.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I never stole money. I'd stole money when I worked at the coffee shop when people wouldn't tip.
I would, like, add a dollar to the receipt.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I sold. That's like fraud.
That's not even stealing. That's straight up fraud.
Prison. You go to prison for that.

Speaker 2 I made it out, but yeah, I did some fraud.

Speaker 1 Sunny Delight. From who?

Speaker 1 From my roommate, Alex.

Speaker 1 Sonny Delight. And you know what happened? Uh-uh.

Speaker 1 He yelled at me. He goes, I know you're fucking drinking.
He goes, and he started putting a red marker where he left it off, And I would fill it with water. So eventually it was just water.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never stole from my roommates.
You never did? I never stole from roommates. I was always so scared of that thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I liked them. You didn't like your roommates.
No, no, I was like, but also,

Speaker 1 the only time I ever had an inclination was

Speaker 1 I wanted a new phone. And I couldn't afford it.
And they gave me rent because I was the responsible one.

Speaker 1 And I thought, I should just fucking go buy that fucking phone and not give the rent money, and then we'll figure it out later. But I didn't do it, I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 When you're poor, though, with fucking phone. I remember doing it, I was 24, and I was like, I need a phone so bad, and I was gonna do it, and I didn't do it.

Speaker 1 I'm glad I didn't do it, but I really thought about it because when you have the cash in your hand, you're like, I could do it.

Speaker 1 You're never gonna know. Yeah, what would you do then? You would have to make up the money, though, no? Yeah, but at that point,

Speaker 1 you're so horny from the thing that you're running on that high.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't care.
You're just gonna do it. I mean, we used to steal.
I've talked on the show. I used to steal from McDonald's constantly.

Speaker 1 My buddy Chris got, they got fired for stealing cash. We just steal food and sometimes a couple of bucks.
What are we calling stealing? They would steal. Those guys got fired.

Speaker 1 They stole a couple hundred bucks every week. I think they would.

Speaker 1 I did too when I was bartending. You would like.
Bartending that's par for the course. You have to steal when you bartend.
It's part of the course. It's part of the game.
It's part of the game.

Speaker 1 Do you remember?

Speaker 2 What the hell was his name?

Speaker 1 Pete Johansson? Oh, yeah. He used to work work at

Speaker 1 The Roxbury on Sunset back in the 90s, and his bar manager would come over to him at the beginning of the night and be like, make sure you're taking a little for yourself tonight, because if you're not taking a little, you're taking a lot.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 And that's like what goes down with bartenders. They know.

Speaker 1 But when you're poor, the kind of fights you have with your roommates are ridiculous. Because I remember we had a phone bill, and

Speaker 1 I was living in Silver Lake, and Khalisa looked at the phone bill and goes, Who called Santa Monica?

Speaker 1 Santa Monica. And I'm not paying the three cents.
I mean, it's like those kind of fights. Oh, yeah.
Because you're so hungry and you have no money. We used to fight.

Speaker 1 The toilet paper fight was endless. It was endless.
Because it was like, I'm not buying it. It's like, well, I'm not fucking, I'm not buying it until you get a bathroom that's of your own.

Speaker 1 When you're always sharing bathrooms, always an argument in a fight. I already bought it.
You fucking, you buy it.

Speaker 1 And then finally, one of you gets an office job and you're like, I'm going to steal it from the office. So I'd steal toilet paper from my office constantly.
I'd literally get a backpack.

Speaker 1 I will load up on whatever I could get from the office,

Speaker 1 and then come back home and I'd have toilet paper, turkey.

Speaker 1 There's always deli meat in the office. Colcuts, you know, yeah, I would.
There's always deli meat. There's always somebody go get some PA had to go get deli meat.
So I'd get toilet paper, turkey,

Speaker 1 pens and printer paper and printer ink. I used to steal printer ink constantly.

Speaker 1 I used to steal that constantly from the old office. Wow.
And they never questioned it because the guy wasn't keeping inventory. He would just put it on the thing to go get.

Speaker 1 And then assume an executive was just printing a lot of scripts.

Speaker 1 Were you guys ever a point where you didn't eat at all? Like you were just starving? Yeah. Literally starving.
When I first moved to Dale,

Speaker 1 I would say

Speaker 1 just to the point where I ate ramen for like a week and a half straight every day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I did it for, I would do

Speaker 1 ramen in the morning, and then at night I try to at least like buy like a from the grocery store or the 7-Eleven, I mean, not the grocery store, I'd buy like an old sandwich, you know?

Speaker 1 First of all, you can't buy an old, what do you mean? Like, you guys throw that out, I'll take it it for half price. Dude, at 7-Eleven,

Speaker 1 everything there is old-eleven. Everything is old.

Speaker 1 It's the premises. Nothing's new.

Speaker 1 Well, let me say this. Now that you're...
So you're both single. Bobby is...

Speaker 1 What is it like?

Speaker 1 Are you miserable? Are you killing it?

Speaker 1 What is it like? So aggressive. Tell me! Well, clearly, I'm not sucking dudes' tongues right now.
So buddy.

Speaker 1 Is it going well? Is it going well, Jay? It's what it is. You know, when you have kids,

Speaker 1 it's a different situation, you know? Yeah. What about you? No.

Speaker 1 It's not good.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 He's having a tough time. Why? I think he doesn't really.

Speaker 1 His standards are ridiculous. My standards are too high.
And then he meets somebody that is probably wonderful and he just bails on them. Or he just checks out.
I mean, like he did for his...

Speaker 1 When he was supposed to run. For his hours six.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like for your hour six. He still doesn't remember it.

Speaker 1 But he does, but he needs advice. Help him out with this.
I mean, what are your standards? Why did they have to be so high?

Speaker 1 Because he's a special little prince. I don't know.
Maybe it's,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I just, I like what I see.
You know what I mean, Doc? Yeah, dude, I know it. But I mean,

Speaker 1 I think I'm like,

Speaker 1 even with the weight, I'm like a seven, seven and a half. I feel like you're a solid, like 4-5-5,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 2 You say 45.

Speaker 1 What do we up there? Well, I know, but I think, don't you think what you do for a living raises that?

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, I think people enjoy laughter and and charm and you have that and you are adorable yeah yeah you know what I mean so yeah but I mean I think it comes down to sometimes you just like what do you think's Bob's flaw juice and and why he hasn't found a new thing well for one I think it's okay to have high standards yeah thank you I think you know what you want and you shouldn't settle um but you mean even talking for a quick smash but for a quick smash

Speaker 1 I'm with you stay with quick smash that's where I was going next well I mean you should Carlos is good at Quick Smashes. Probably the Kickstarter.
But he'll smash anything. No, that's not true.

Speaker 1 You've seen me with Hot Girls. But I've seen you with other ones as well.
That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, thank you. Well, when you were wrestling, did you wear a mouth guard?

Speaker 1 Do you remember back in the days and they'd throw it in a boiling fucking pot of water? Yeah, I always did that. You just bite down on it, and your dad was like, it's not that hot.
It's steaming hot.

Speaker 1 And you'd singe the roof of your fucking mouth with it. I've always hated doing that.
I was like, just let me use an old one. He's like, you can't, you got to get a new one.
The old ones don't work.

Speaker 1 And you'd sit there, he'd boil it. My dad, he would take it out.
I'd be like, oh,

Speaker 1 here, put it in your mouth.

Speaker 1 Shove it in your skull. Yeah, yeah.
Singe your mouth. Drop it.
Hated it. The dropping the weight for the tournament before is the worst where you're wearing, you know what I mean? What do you call it?

Speaker 1 A sweatsuit? Not a sweatsuit, but we wear a plastic bag, like a suit, and then we'd go in a dry sauna. Like garbage bags.
The garbage bags. And then we would have to sweat it out.

Speaker 1 What age did you wrestle till? You know, he was really good. Do you know this?

Speaker 1 And his brother was really good, too. Yeah.
I'm athletic. No, seriously, they were really good.

Speaker 1 I'm super athletic. Well, that's, again, don't do that.
We've talked about this. That's not true.
You're good at some things.

Speaker 1 Athletic means you have a broad range of athleticism across a border. That's what it means.
That's literally what it means. Look at what a fuck athletic means.
What do you think it means?

Speaker 1 What other sports are you good at?

Speaker 1 Tennis. Starting with athletes.
Wrestling. Tennis.
I was on a tennis team in high school. The physical equalities that are characteristic of athletes, such as strength, fitness, and agility.

Speaker 1 So you're not across those boards. You don't have strength.
I could be if I wanted to be. Well, and if that's the thing, agility, quick as fuck, bro.
Like the flash.

Speaker 1 Still. Bing, bing, ding.
That's me, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm all over the place, right?

Speaker 1 What's the other one? I like the I could be. Strength, fitness, and agility.
Yeah, I could do all that shit. I just don't want to.
I like pizza. Yeah, and if I was black, I'd be in the NBA.

Speaker 1 I don't like, that's such a bad argument. I could.

Speaker 1 You're making me mad because the thing is that I'm never, I could prove it to you, but I don't want to. It's bullshit then.
Then it's fake. No, because just because I don't want to prove it.

Speaker 1 It's not real then. All right.

Speaker 1 It's not real. If you want to show me your athletic show.
Are you athletic?

Speaker 1 Don't insult me. Don't insult me on our show.
Are you athletic? He's athletic. 100% I'm athletic.
Me too, then. No, you're fucking not.
Because you play golf? I played many sports. My whole life.

Speaker 1 No, you didn't.

Speaker 1 You played, you wrestled, and that was it. What tennis team? What years on these things? I was on the high school tennis.
Look at the yearbooks. Wrestling and Jay, get the yearbook.

Speaker 1 I thought that he acts like it's a Wikipedia page for it.

Speaker 1 I have photos on my Instagram

Speaker 1 year of tennis. No, years.
I played with Michael Chang. I was good.

Speaker 1 Look at that. That's me and my brother wrestling.

Speaker 1 That's fine. First of all, it's a picture of you in wrestling uniform.
35 years ago. Yeah.
No, that was in high school. 35 years ago.
And then look at the third photo up. There.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's more like that.

Speaker 1 No, no, stay on that.

Speaker 1 Triple H.

Speaker 1 That's Triple H. Is that for Mad TV? What's that for? That's a high school fucking face.
Yeah, that's a high deck guy. Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's on. You see the photo, fuck face.

Speaker 1 You don't know shit, but are you in the same weight class? That's me break dancing, dude. Wrestling, breakdancing.
I do it all. He is multifaceted.
Breakdancing is athletic. Let's be honest.

Speaker 2 Can't do it. There he is, eating chicken wings.

Speaker 1 There he is, eating chicken wings. Scroll down.

Speaker 1 That's who you are. Yeah, now.
Oh,

Speaker 1 that's you. That's the Bob I love, and I know.
That guy right there.

Speaker 1 Jay Larson is a good old friend of ours who we've both known for a long time who's a hilarious comedian. And we would highly recommend you please watch Jay Larson's special on YouTube.

Speaker 1 What's it called, Jay? We'll link it, yeah, fans, link it, please, in the description.

Speaker 1 I appreciate that, boys. It's called Sounds Like Bruce.
Sounds like Bruce. Sounds like Bruce.

Speaker 1 Which is a phrase from arguably not just Jays, but one of the best jokes I've ever

Speaker 1 heard. If you know it, you know it.
If you've seen it on the internet, people probably, some people, I'm assuming a lot of people already know.

Speaker 1 But it's a good call to to one of the best jokes I've seen on the internet. What is it? Thanks, Bell.
Bobby sent this to me.

Speaker 1 Bobby sent this to me and said, We got to go to church.

Speaker 1 You sent this to me. I did not see you that.
I'll show you the DM. I think I did, yeah.
You did.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he said, We need Jesus.
We need Jesus in our lives.

Speaker 1 This man is just beating his patrons with a bell.

Speaker 1 And they're taking it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a Sunday morning, by the way. Where is that?

Speaker 1 What's that? Do you know where it is? Temecula. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Temecula, California, my friend.

Speaker 1 We don't know. I don't know where it's from.
He said it to me and just said, we got to go to church.

Speaker 1 I just felt like the Lord calling me. To get beat.
You want to get beaten public? I deserve it. You think so? Yeah.

Speaker 1 A little. Don't you deserve it? I think it's pretty dogmatic to want pain and pleasure and all that.
I get what it means to you.

Speaker 1 It's one of those things where you kind of go, you know how you see a cooking show and go, oh, I'd love to eat that meatloaf.

Speaker 1 I want to know what that feels like.

Speaker 1 To be in a church and get beat by your preacher? Well, I mean, it's not like he's repeatedly doing it, so maybe one swack, you know, maybe my buns will jiggle. Just one swack of it, it's fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't you think? Yeah. I just wanted to know what that feels like.
Let me make amends real fast. All right, sorry.
Okay? Go ahead. You are athletic.
No, it's okay. Look at me.

Speaker 1 I've seen you do things that are very athletic. Okay?

Speaker 1 And you're strong and you're smart. No.
And I care about you. No, no.
And you have a good penis, a regular, nice, regular penis, okay?

Speaker 1 Okay? No. You don't want it? I don't want it, man.
You really made me mad. Shut up.

Speaker 1 Shut up. Fuck you.
No, fuck you. You shut up.
You're acting like a fucking guy. I just said nice stuff to you.
I know, but you know, and then you said nothing. No, that's 45 minutes.
You're weak.

Speaker 1 You got nothing. I didn't say weak once.
I didn't say got nothing once. Did I call it?

Speaker 1 Did I say anything like that? No, it was just implied. It's implication.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 you don't think I can take implications? I know what they mean. What did they mean? That means I could read through the lines, between the lines.
I know what you mean. What? What is it?

Speaker 1 You're calling me a little bitch. No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. And when you get together with your white jockey friends, and yeah, I'm calling you out, Doc.

Speaker 1 Jockey.

Speaker 1 You mean like a white guy?

Speaker 1 Like a few fucking bullies getting together, right? And you team up on the little

Speaker 1 guy. Of us three, the only guy that could be a jockey would be you.

Speaker 1 That's another joke. That's not a joke.
Very funny. Another joke.
No, I just. I will say this.
The only reason I say you couldn't be a jockey is because they're very athletic. They're very athletic.

Speaker 1 They're very athletic. Look at that.
See what you guys do when it goes together. You know what, dude? Try me, dude.
Stop.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, try you? Or you come to my podcast and you fucking treat me like that, both of you? He's been saying it was his the whole time. Yeah, yeah, I know.
He thinks it's his. All right.

Speaker 1 All of you in the room, hear me roar. We love you.
Hear me roar right now. You too.

Speaker 1 You need to slow down. You're a part of the whole thing.
All you people, dude.

Speaker 1 No. I've had enough of it, dude.
I'm drawing the line right now. I draw of you.
I'm 51. I'm athletic.
I could be. You're right.
You could be. Yeah, even more.
I choose not to. I agree.
I like that.

Speaker 1 All right. And I will fuck you guys up one day.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.