Bad Friends Battle Rap

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude.
I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Can I tell you, I was up in the belly room and I knew he was in the audience and he really wanted to see all of us go up. And the belly room has a window to the main room so I knew you just went on stage.
So I bring Makon, I can tell he doesn't know how to get anywhere yeah so i take him down the back stairwell through the kitchen to get to the main room and when we get in the kitchen he goes wow wait stop sorry your burp messed up the timing people are gonna think he burped if they're listening listen do it again i feel like you're gonna do something worse I'm not do it again okay so I bring him down the stairwell to get to the main room and right when we get down there he goes sorry I have day terrors I knew that was gonna happen let me get straight. So he was upstairs in the belly room.
Yeah, yeah. Through the little window, he heard.
I heard it. You heard Santino being announced in the main room.
I text him. Santino's on stage right now.
So then you go, let's go. But he went ahead of you? No, no.
He was like, he saw the text and he looked up and he's like, I don't know what to do with myself. Right.
And then he went down to the kitchen.

I wave and I showed him how to get down to the kitchen. And then when he went to the kitchen, he went, let me get this.
He went, whoa. No, he went, wow.
Wow. Not whoa.
Not whoa. Wow.
And is there a panda in it or a ninja assassin or anything happened in the story. Well, that's why I was like,

why is he so amazed by the kitchen?

But he just really loved that place.

Why don't you make up that story again and tell it?

Can we just let that story sink in for a second?

Yeah.

It's sunken.

On me,

it's sunk.

Why don't we get,

do we know any writers?

Cause they're on strike.

They're on strike.

Bring them in here.

Maybe we could write this down and maybe this is a movie. That's how interesting your story is.
Kind of sounds like a film. It's like a film.
We got to get Mel Gibson in it. He's in already.
Right. We should get Steven Seagal.
He'll do it. They're the bartenders.
It's an action adventure, comedy. It's got everything.
Thriller, mystery. It was a roller coaster.
The level of the movies you guys are doing. I know because when he was going down the stairs to the kitchen I was like oh that's the end of the story yeah that's what I thought no I thought that was it that's the end of the story whoa then you M.
Night Shyamalan wow in the kitchen whoa it's so good to be here it's been a year since I've been on the show wait is this your is this your one year episode yeah let's give's give it up for Jetsky. One year she's been on the show.
Your last episode. Honestly.
With that fucking story. You're really not coming through with that shit.
Yeah. McCone's lurking in the back.
Yeah. Fancy, don't ever leave the board again.
That's like when you leave the boat. I don't want the captain to leave the wheel.
Don't let one of the skippers fucking take the wheel. Right.
You know? I don't want to crash port side. Congratulations on one calendar year of being on this show.
Yeah, I have a story. Do you think you're going to last longer? Well, wait, what? I have a story.
Give it. So, oh my God.
So today, I woke up this morning, right? I got up from my bed and you can't believe what happened. I went down my hallway and I got a cup of coffee.
Wow. Oh yeah, and then I went, whoa.

Whoa.

Yeah.

That's a good story.

Thank you, man.

I'll be honest.

You tell me one.

I hate this.

Today, my dog jumped up on the ottoman.

Oh no.

Wait, and she spun around and then sat down.

Holy fuck.

And she looked back at me and I was like, wow.

Wow.

Whoa, dude.

Pretty cool.

Whoa, dude. Pretty cool.
It's a pretty cool story, dude. Pretty cool.
I worked late last night. I worked a regular shift.
I'm sick. I want to go back to theaters.
Where did you work? At the store? Yeah. At the store last night.
I worked back door at the store. You were stressed out.
I was really stressed out. Why did Kanye leave? Bobby was stressed out because Kanye was there and nobody recognized

him. Kanye was there?

Wait, stop. What'd you say? You told me

nobody recognizes me tonight. This

sucks. That's not what he said.
Yes, he did.

That's not what I said. And your fault, that's

blasphemy. Wait a minute.
That's not what I said.

Was Kanye there? Kanye was there.

Kanye was there. Will.i.am was there.

Will.i.am and Kanye was there.

The weekends were there. Kali was

there. Khalid was there.

Kali. I don't know.i.am was there.
Will.i.am and Kanye was there. The weekends were there.
Khalid was there. Khalid was there.
Yeah, everyone was there. Khalid.
I don't know. Mako knows who he is.
No, Talib Kweli, yeah. Talib Kweli was there.
That's crazy. With Kanye.
And Will.i.am. And Will.i.am.
And Will.i.am. They were not together.
They were all there in that last night. And I did not say that.
I just said. That's not what I said.
Kind of, though It's not kind of, but you know, tell them what I said. It's different tonight.
No one knows who I am. That's what I remember you saying.
Why would I say that? That's the grossest thing anyone would say. Can we go back to Kanye was there? Okay, let's go to Kanye.
That's insane. Kanye was there with Will.i.am, Talib Kweli, and Khalid.
I was with a young lady in the patio and then we look out and Kanye's running across Sunset from the store and I guess he couldn't get into the Chappelle show? Why'd he leave? I don't know why he left. He could definitely get in.
Did he say anything anti-Semitic? He did a hand thing like, bye store. I'll say it later.
Right. No, that makes sense.
Yeah. Well, I don't know.
Whatever. You'd think he'd hate the store because it's owned by Jews.
It is? Oh. I know.
Oh my God. I'm playing somewhere else now.
Holy shit. Gross.
You'd think he would not want to go there. That's really weird that he showed up.
Yeah, he showed up Jew place They should just call it The Jew store They did They used to Or Jerusalem 2 Yeah Yeah yeah Because it's like It's so Jewy It is Yeah yeah yeah And we love it We fucking love it I mean $19 for a Diet Coke But that's fine Why wasn't I there last night Where was I last night What did I do last night? You rested last night. Remember you told me you were taking a night off.
You went golfing in the day yesterday. I did need to rest.
And then you said, I'm resting. But you should have been there last night.
God, I wish I would have been there for Kanye. I had so much stuff.
I do stuff about him. I do a joke about him.
Yeah, you weren't, because he had people around him, right? A couple of guys around him. When I was, because I had the help in the lot at one point, so many entourage came in, and he was.
The whole cast of entourage was there too? They were there. Dude, this night is crazy.
It was crazy. Was Lloyd there? And for some reason, the cast of Glee.
What? Yeah. He was singing and dancing and hopping around.
They all drove in separate cars. It was a mess.
Get him. Fuck it.
That's wild. Yeah.
I think what I said was. I think what I said was, because...
What? Can I just say something? Please. Anything that I say to you, can you just keep it to yourself? Because I have things that I can say about you.
Do it. I have something, I'm not going to.
I'm just saying, you made me look like a fool. I'm going to let that go.
I don't remember what I said, but probably I did say that, but just don't say that stuff okay it's because i've i said that story and made myself look like a fool so i was trying to make you the target oh is that what it was smooth but we were we liked your story we loved it so fancy show that video that i sent to you i really really want to show you something, Bob. I think this is revolutionary stuff right here.
You know what's the rhyme in confetti? What? You're so cute, bro. Confetti? You're so cute, bro.
Huh? You're so cute, bro. That's good.
He's brutal. He's not sl By the way So I found battle raps In the Philippines Are huge Huge I propose You and I go do a battle rap In the Philippines Okay Bad friends Battle rap Philippines I need to brush up on my Tagala.
I know everything he just

said. Well, I did too.
Yeah. I can understand it.
I'm talking it. Say something.
I know you took the class. Yeah.
Oh, shit, dude. I am fat.
Hey, hey, hey. Yeah.
Yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Yeah.
So I think we should do a Bad Friends Battle Rap in the Philippines I swear to God we'd have so much fun That was the dumbest thing we've ever done That was so fun We should do the whole episode like that I found these videos online They have millions of views and people are obsessed. They're pushing them around.

Yeah.

I think somebody said

Bad Friends Battle Rap Philippines

would be the echelon to me

of us traveling internationally.

So I think we should go over there,

do a show,

do a Bad Friends Battle Rap.

Well, I mean,

we went out there,

did our variety show.

I know.

When does that come out?

Fancy?

It's coming.

It's coming.

You know what that means. Yeah, nothing.
Yeah, nothing at all. Well yeah nothing at all well he edited it was anyway let's move on okay okay dude what did you just roll your eyes at me dude never you just did though so you just did that one time oh i see yeah yeah he's getting cocky ever since dude he's getting real cocky why i don't even want to say it's gonna get it's gonna hype him.
What is he cocky? He's got a fucking podcast now, and he's all up his own ass. I did it.
Did you do it? No, I'm not doing that. Because you are.
He texted me. Andrew, please come talk to me.
And you know what I said? Yeah. Nothing.
Great. Yeah.
I should have said nothing. Responding to that guy.
Here's another thing. What did you do? What movie did you do? I don't remember, but I remember being angry because I had to wear.
He has props and wardrobe. Oh, wow.
Who does wardrobe for a podcast? He does. Also, Bobby ruined it.
You know, I have a script and he decided to. Oh, you think he was going to follow the script? Right.
Come on, man. I know, I know.
That's your fault. Yeah, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it soon'm i'm proud of the kid and i want to help him out what are you aaron sorkin you have to do word for word the way you wrote it you fucking piece of shit dude all right you're a producer i'm not look i want you to pull up a photo i'm not saying i'm not trying to make a joke or anything but do jonah hill somebody saw another photo this guy you know how he gets big and skinny and big and skinny there was a picture that came out that somebody showed me today that i was like man it looks concerning like jonah hill now there's no way no it was kind of wild there's it's got to be on images maybe images no that wasn't it there he is he looks good no no just click images bud the word yeah um i think that's it that's actually the He looks good. No, no.
Just click images, bud. The word.
Yeah. I think that's it.
That's actually the one right there. He looks good.
Yeah, but look at the whole body. He's got...
Give me the whole body. He looks great.
He looks great. He looks so skinny and jacked.
Yeah. What's he doing, dude? Oh, is that where you're...
Ozempic. Oh, oh, oh, Ozempic.
What's Ozempic? It's like a... is it a weight loss drug yeah yeah whatever the case dude he he's looking the kid's looking great shout out to that kid but i saw a photo and i was like he's got kind of like a um tom hanks uh castaway thing up top but down below he little tom hardy tom hanks up top tom hardy down below yeah skinny tattooed right like in fucking great shape.
So I'm like, what is he working on? This doesn't look like just life stuff. This looks like he's working on a movie thing.
Well, he looked like that in a YouTube movie, right? With Eddie Murphy. This is the most in shape I think I've ever seen the guy.
That Eddie Murphy movie, he looked good, but this is like fucking crazy. He's jacked.
He's skinny, muscles out. I just have to say, he's the nicest guy you could ever fucking be.
I'm not saying anything negative. I'm saying he must be planning for something is my point because he's looking like such a nice guy.
Oh, like a movie? Have you met him? Yeah. Jules? Jess? No, no, no.
Jules. I know.
She'll be here soon. I saw her yesterday.
What happened? Nothing. I went to her over to the house.
You went to go see Jules and Kalilah at their house? So Kalilah goes, let's watch a movie. So I go, I had some time.
You know what that means. What? No, no, no.
That was with a young lady last night, right? No, popsicles. Did you see her? Yeah, yeah.
How was she? She looked kind of like Kalilah. Kalilah too? She was very pretty.
Why does every girl that I like look like Kalilah? That's a good question. I've never said that I know you haven't No never And I wouldn't cross that line That's really offensive That's so offensive for me You do have a tall Beautiful Model-esque Long dark hair Oh so every tall Pretty girl is Kalilah now Long dark hair The blondes don't like me baby I don't think it's a bad thing Have you never had blondes before Sarah Hyland She's kind of dirty blonde Yeah but like a blonde blonde Oh no Like a platinum blonde No Why do you think they wouldn't think it's a bad thing.
Have you never had blondes before? Sarah Hyland. She's kind of dirty blonde.
Yeah, but like a blonde blonde? Oh, no. Like a platinum blonde? No.
Why do you think they wouldn't like you? What is it? Maybe it's God's law. God's law? Yeah.
Maybe it's a prophetic God thing. What is God's law? Son, you will not get top of the line.
You won't get top of the line. You'll get 9.5.
9 is still pretty good. But not 10.
Why not? Is that God? Is that pretty good God? Yeah, but why not God, I would say? Korean God. Because.
Korean God? Fancy? What does Korean God sound like to you? Like that? No, that's not. Do Korean God.
Andrew, you know Korean God. My son.
There My son There we go that's Korean God Eight out of it Yeah Out of it Yes What do you think God says What do you think God says about you fans You think you have a better God than some of us Is yours a Spanish God Yeah Yeah Yeah Pervert he's probably a pervert Fucking pervert dude He can't be much of a God He's out whistling at women in the street. Yeah.
Fucking perv. You had a perv god.
So wait, you went over to the house and what happened? You watched a movie? Yeah, and the movie is the most triggering movie I've ever seen in my life. What's it called? Soft and Quiet.
Cool. I know.
Have you heard of it? It sounds awful. Let me see Soft and Quiet.
It's on the fucking Netflix. Have you heard of it? Yeah.
2.1. They shot it in four days.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's it about? A horror movie. Well, I mean, it's a stretch to say it's a horror movie.
Why? What is it? Where does it land? Oh, it's a Blumhouse. It's a Blumhouse movie.
So you think, you know what I mean? It's a horror movie. But, oh, fuck it.
I'll just talk about it. I don't give a fuck.
I'll talk about it. Do it.
All right. A bunch.
So it's shot in one shot. So basically, it's one shot.
So it's like the whole. There's no cuts.
Steadicam the whole time. Yeah, fake.
It's fake because I could see when they point to the sky. Yeah, you have to cut.
Birdman cut. It's a Birdman cut.
But it's still seamless. You don't know where the cuts are, so it's from beginning to end.
It starts off with a teacher, elementary school teacher. Oh, yeah.
What you doing? Crayon stuff? No, no, no. I like it.
Go ahead. It's after school.
She has a pie. It is after school with a pie.
Anybody listening don't want spoilers. There's no way to say it without spoilers.
No, no, I like it. You like it? This is how all good movies start.
After school with a pie. Wink, wink.
Go on. What else happens? Huh? So then- The football team comes in, in, don't they? And then you see her go out in the front of the school.
It's pretty... It's like 4 p.m.
or whatever. She's a little kid and the little kid goes, what do you have? He says, I have a pie.
And it shows the woman, white woman, walk into a forest. She finds a church.
Well, yeah. She's a white woman.
Wandering as they do. She sees a bunch of other white female friends in the church.
And it's this meeting. Oh, wow.
What? Was Kanye there? No. No, I thought this.
Okay. It could be.
He could have been there. Because watch.
Okay. And, you know, this is now 15 minutes.
You know, it takes a while for her to get there. She opens up the pie, and on the surface of the pie is a swastika.

Seriously?

Swastika.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Well, you love it now.

Yeah.

Now I want to see it.

Did you see that?

Before, I was just like, oh, teacher, wandering woods, swastika.

You got my attention.

Right.

And then they proceed to have a A meeting A KKK meeting Really? Yeah And that's the film Oh it's The beginning of the film You said it was a comedy Or is it a horror? To me it's a comedy It sounds hilarious To me Yeah and then That's the meeting There's a bunch of old White women in the room. Well, not even old.
It ranges from early 20s to late 50s. Wow.
These women, right? And then. What's the significance of the pie? What do you mean? They ate it.
But why a pie? There is something. There's got to be something.
Is that significant? Well, there's got to be something about the pie, right? Because you could have put a swastika on anything. They could have done it on pizza.
They could have done it on, you know. Lasagna would have been fun.
It's one of those pastry. A swastika lasagna.
It's a very American thing. How do you do it on the lasagna? It's hard to read.
You think I've never put a swastika on a lasagna? You do it with the cheese, you weirdo. And then you flame pro.
You got to come to Wednesday nights. I keep saying come to Wednesday nights.
Oh, yeah. That's when yeah that's when we do lasagna swastika all your friends are there though you know what I mean yeah and we'll sneak you in alright so they put a swastika on the pie that's it by the way it's not really a what do you call this this isn't like a spoiler alert it's on the internet right there yeah they already show it so it's not that hidden yeah and then they go and then a priest walks up to the main lady and goes get the fuck out of here like i guess they're not even supposed to be there what the priest is like get on here we got some kids coming in yeah and so the and one of the women goes well let's go to one of them owns a store so they go to a store and they see these two they seem maybe native two girls but they could be hispanic i don't know that's exactly what the producer said yeah we're like it seemed hispanic but we don't know we don't know but they're browns we're not gonna say yeah they're credited as brown people they could be half mulatto blacks tough word but i love it good for you what is that that's how you say it i think that's it it's

milano like the cookie oh like alissa milano pepperidge farm milano is that alissa milano she is oh yeah that's what he said that's where it comes from fuck i knew it pepperidge farm alissa milano there's no i knew it there was something i didn't trust about her same so anyway um and they basically um tell these two girls the store is closed while they're in the store yeah then we're just gonna get a wine and they go get the fuck out of here that type of thing and then they go you have to buy the most expensive wine then and and you know when you tell a minority that they're like well i can do it so they buy a 300 bottle of wine yeah and then when they were leaving there was some sort of altercation and then the women go let's go to their house and fuck them up what why i don't know why that's what this is what's so infuriating about this did this movie do well yeah it got 86 on rotten tomato it was a south by sideways yeah movie in that it's aiktok movie so people are like talking about on tiktok yeah okay and it's one of those where they're like they can't people can't even get through it did you get through it we didn't want to but you finished it we're like we look at it i mean clon look at you like this is so fucked up that's how i feel about succession really every time every time I start a new episode, I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore.

It's taxing.

Right?

Am I wrong?

It's exhausting.

I get it.

It's like abusive.

Will they?

Won't they?

Will they?

Won't they?

Will they?

Won't they?

It's like.

So anyway, they go to the woman's house.

These two.

They're sisters.

Let me guess.

What?

Swastika pie.

They already ate the pie. There's got to be another one.
be another one But they took a shit So maybe the same pie They did a shit With a swastika That's so hard to do Pretty talented Pretty talented Yeah And then just You know If you wanna watch the movie I'm gonna give it away now Give it away They kill him Oh wow End of move me End of move me Sorry It did move you Can I get that? No no no Can I get that back? Keep it Yeah I need another take End of move me is powerful I know but that's not what I meant to say I thought something Yeah yeah yeah Yeah what you're saying is End of move me It moved me Move me Movie End of moved movie. DoorDash.
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You'll remember do more with Viator. Let me ask you this.
Yeah. Let's say you are, okay, not for you.
You're sober. You're going to a dinner party of somebody fancy, very famous.
I need a name. Jake Gyllenhaal.
I love him. I know you do.
Yeah. Let's say he says, Bob, I want you to come over for dinner.
Tell a story. Jake Gyllenhaal.
Tell another story. No, cut it out.
Let's break it up. What I don't know Jake Gyllenhaal tell another story what do you bring

to Jake Gyllenhaal's house

why do I have to bring anything

see this is interesting

so you wouldn't show up to Jake Gyllenhaal's house

with something

hey thank you for having us

if he's like we're doing a UFC party

why would I bring gloves

what the fuck do I bring

most people bring booze or food

or a gift of some kind of unique fun thing

Thank you. He's like, we're doing a UFC party.
Why would I bring? Gloves? I mean, what the fuck do I bring? Well, most people bring booze or food. Or a gift of some kind of unique, fun thing.
I've never brought anything to anyone's house. But what I'm telling you is you want to leave a better impression because you're such a lovable, fun guy.
If you also bring something, they'll remember it forever. It'll be like, man, I love Bobby Lee.
And you know what he did? Yeah. He brought over a slinky.
Just one slinky, and he gave it to me. Whoa.
That would stay in there for the, am I wrong? For the rest of time. Because your presence is wonderful.
And then if you gave something small and fun. I know what.
Rubik's cute, but I would switch out a couple of the colors. Genius.
So that they could never get inside. Fucking genius.
There's like one more green than red. Uh-huh.
So they're just confused. Like, we can never solve this.
What would you give as a fun gift of going to a famous person's house? What's a fun gift? Jake Gyllenhaal?

It doesn't matter. For you, just make it up.

Whoever it is. But what's the fun little quirky gift?

Maybe origami.

You would make origami for them?

No, I'd bring a bunch of paper

and some instructions.

And then everyone could do it together.

Sounds like another kitchen story.

Whoa. That could be fun.
So you would bring them work? No, but some people think it's fun. Yeah.
Well, you were doing origami the whole trip. The whole time on the bus.
On the bus. How many did you make? There was a bunch on the...
There was seven on the window sill. On the window sill.
Of the same animal, by the way. Same animal.
Lazy. Yeah, very lazy.
I was trying to perfect it. But you did a swan.
We've been there tonight, you know. But it was like a handicapped swan.
I know, I know. It was like one wing.
One wing was huge. At first I thought it was a fucking T-Rex.
Yeah, because the neck was crooked. With the hands.
It was all crooked. Those are the wings.
But what would you bring to a nice party? Oh, that's easy. Drugs.
Drugs. What kind, though? I'd probably bring mushrooms and maybe some other stuff.
Oh, yeah. You're going to show up to Jake Gyllenhaal.
I have mushrooms. They don't do drugs.
I guarantee you he likes mushrooms. I'd be willing to bet my bank account Jake Gyllenhaal microdosis.
At all. I'd be the guy with mushrooms, and if there's hot girls or some guys, they'd be like, oh, he's the guy with the mushrooms.
I'd bring drugs, yeah. What about you, fans? I would bring a nice bottle of wine.
Right, but that's what I'm saying. That's a standard answer.
When he brought up the wine in the shop, I thought, wine is this go-to thing. And by the way, every time I brought wine to somewhere, they don't give a fuck.
So now, I don't do it anymore. I bring a unique thing from around the house.
Something fun. I said Rubik's Cube without a fucking thing.
Fucking something fun. Level up, dude.
Level up something fun and interesting and new. Mushrooms, obviously you would bring that.
Look at you. Right? But surprise them.
Okay. Here we go.
You're a writer, so go ahead. Hey.
Easy one would be Swastika pie Swastika pie is really easy There probably is a lot of swastika stuff on eBay So I would get them like a belt With a swastika on it Cool Very cool The other thing that I do is cooking something Spanish That is very unique Empanadas Emp, tortilla. That usually works.
I don't know if I would do it to Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake Gyllenhaal? If Jake Gyllenhaal, listen, if you're listening right now, you want to invite me to your party, I'm going to surprise you with something fun.
What am I going to bring? I'll tell you what. I know what I would do again.
Go ahead. I would bring one single shoe of a child.
Whoa. A Whoa A little tiny shoe Whoa And you know what I'd hand it to him Yeah I would never talk about it ever again Or dress up as a movie character For one of his movies Oh no See this is funny too I know what I'm gonna do What As a wave What A gigantic wave From what Oh I know I've seen that movie Day After Tomorrow yeah oh very good but you don't because it's a he would love that he would love that right he'd be like what I go remember he would yeah he would remember he's like and then I'm just sitting there watching UFC in a wave costume you'd be just on a fucking Rubik's Cube but you'd have to be a frozen wave like Yeah, yeah It wasn't a frozen wave It did freeze It did eventually freeze It eventually freezes There is a scene where A wave A gigantic waves Yeah, that's it What are they called? You should know Tsunamis There it is Bingo What's the root origin of tsunami? Why is it called a tsunami? Do you know? It's a Japanese word.
Yeah, go on. And in Japanese, it translates to big wave.
Big wave. That's right.
We added the T. It used to be called tsunami, but we added the T.
Yeah. We wanted to be a little different to tsunami.
Exactly. To tsunami, because it sounds like, you know, sashimi, tsunami.
You had to separate it. Yeah.
If you were, Jake, what character would you dress up as? Well, I'd be, I'd probably be the. By the way, know he might listen to this and also invite you to his house one day.
Yeah, so what movie character? Probably the rabbit from Donnie Darko. I'd really stand out and people would be like, who's that? Great movie.
And then I'd sit next to you the whole time because I know you. Or if Tom Hanks, what would you dress up as, Tom Hanks?

You know what I just realized I wanted to dress up as?

I want to be the animal from Okja.

From Okja.

Hey, look at the animal from Okja.

Remember Okja?

Remember that movie?

The pig?

Huh?

The pig.

Yeah, it's a pig.

It's a big, oversized pig.

That's what I want to be from Okja.

Super pig.

And who's in that movie?

He is.

Jake. Oh, Jake's in Okja? Yeah.
He's the pig oh he is no no but i want to be a big pig but that you know well you could go to wherever that girl's name bobby lee tell me that's not me and you when we go out for a night on the town you think we don't look like that to most people yeah i've actually walked into I've heard somebody go, Okja! They think that it's you and me out on the town.

That looks more like Falkor from Never Ending Story than anything else.

So a Tom Hanks movie, what would you show up as, as a character?

That's good.

Philadelphia is easy, isn't it?

That's what I was thinking.

Did I take it right?

I know.

Well, no.

Because at that point, right, if I know, we would try to beat each other. Who would be more AIDS-y Yeah I'd be way I'd out AIDS-y You know what I would do No I would out AIDS you though No chance You know I would get AIDS Good luck I would get AIDS And I would wait a year And who would you get it from What Me So I'm already there Way ahead of you pal Yeah yeah yeah What Tom Hanks movie would you do? I would be like a FedEx delivery driver.
From what? From Castaway. Oh, okay.
That's a long stretch. It's a stretch.
It's a stretch, but I like it. Oh, yeah, he was a, but he was like a more corporate level in it.
He was never wearing the outfit. Yeah, he wasn't.
He was on the plane. He had a character he played.
No, but you know what? I mean, but it's like, then you have to explain, like, well, I know you're not a FedEx. I mean, you were corporate, but.
I'll be the snowman. From the train.
From Elvis. What? Elvis.
Man, you're stretching all this fucking bullshit. Snowman.
It seems to me you haven't seen a lot of Tom Hanks movies. I have, but I don't want to be from the burbs.
I would just be a dad. And then they just place a lot of old men.
Mancom, old, Otto, Big, he literally is playing an older man. You could show up as a burm mermaid.
But that's not him. That's from Splash.
It doesn't matter. It's from, but he'll get it.
He doesn't have to play. Yeah, it's just something.
He get it fine I'll be for a scout. No, no again.
Yeah Hackey, okay One of the weird little bugs from the green mile that comes out of the big guy's mouth. You could be that That's kind of See what I mean? That's more up your alley.
Yeah, I'll be the bug This is a fun game. So give me another-

What Tom Hanks movie would you be?

How about this?

Give me another actor.

Let's do another actor.

What Tom-

I was gonna say Tom Cruise.

Oh, Sandra Bullock.

Oh, that's good.

That's a good one.

I would show up as-

Was she the blind side?

Yeah.

I would be Michael Orr.

I'd show up as a big black guy.

And I would commit.

I'd do all blackface.

Yeah.

And I would gain 600 pounds.

Whoa.

Whoa. You know what I would do? Well, it's for the party.
Yeah, you gotta commit. Me and Eric Griffin together would play a bus from Speed.
I couldn't do it by myself, but if Eric was like the bulk of it. He's the bus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could be on his shoulder as a driver.
I don't know. Man, Bobby Choo Choo, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true.
That's a pretty good one, yeah. That is very good.
What would you do? I've never seen any of her movies. Sandy? You've never seen a Sandy flick? No, I have.
I'd probably be like Miss Congeniality for sure. Love me a good Sandy flick, by the way.
Yeah, she's the best. She's one that we can't lose.
The most likable.

She's so non-offensive.

I know, but then you find out that she's addicted to fentanyl,

and she's nodding out on what's it called in Philly.

Have you seen her?

No.

They caught her on the side of the street.

Look at Philly fentanyl.

Look up, Sandra Bullock, Philadelphia fentanyl.

She's on the street.

They caught her doing fentanyl on the side of the street,

nodding off. It's insane.
Do videos. It's not her.
It's got to be. She's on the street.
They caught her doing fentanyl on the side of the street, nodding off.

It's insane.

Do videos.

It's not her.

It's got to be.

It can't be her.

Do images.

It's got to be.

You'll see her.

Yeah.

Look right there in the top six photo up.

Right.

Boom.

That's her in Philly.

She's on.

That's the movie she did with fucking Channing Tatum.

No, it's not, dude.

You're seeing stuff.

And then this one. There it is.
Yeah, not looking good. She's been nodding off on fentanyl.
No. Buddy, you don't believe me.
That's your choice. She's just walking down the street, man.
On fentanyl. Okay.
Look at what, this is what's going on in Philly. He knows.
By the way, have you seen what is going on in Philadelphia? No. Go to, just Google search Philadelphia fentadelphia fentanyl i don't even know the name of the street but there's a prominent street in philly where people are nodding off on the side of the road but that's every american city no no this one's like crazy it's crazy bad but people are like halfway up like that guy go down a little bit down uh fourth row down down down one more one more down this one so this is is what everybody looks like now everybody is half nodding it's like they're trying to suck their own dick but they're trying to stay away you know what we should do when we're there fentanyl? we're going to Philly we'll hum this like thriller and then when they're walking down the street we could do a thriller thing hey Da-na- This is fentanyl.
Fentanyl. Get so high.
You try to suck your dick in the middle of the daylight. Yeah, that's when the zombie's coming out of the earth terrible i know because they're sick it's a terrible they're sick and this is epidemic it's an epidemic we're sorry but it's I gotta tell you.
Hold on. It's terrible.
It's terrible. What are we doing? There's it.
That's what it's called. There it is.
Kensington, right? Look that up. That's it.
Kensington Avenue in Philly. It's the most prominent area of fentanyl use in the United States.

Oh, my God.

So sad.

So tragic.

It's wild.

But they are.

It does look like Thriller.

Imagine if one guy was nodding off and you walked by him and just popped him and went,

Shaman!

And then he brought back up.

Jesus.

Because this is fentanyl.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, should we bring in our guest? We got a guest that's here. He just showed up.
He's here, right? Is he here? He's here. Bring him the fuck on in.
I forgot who it was. Good friend of ours.
One of our favorite homies on earth. Jay Larson.
Oh, the Jay Larson's here. Hello, Captain.
How are you? Good to see you. Jay Larson.
Great to be here. Jay Lawson, sit down there.
Jay, you live still on the west side or what? I'm on the west side, yeah. Yeah.
You like it over there? Yeah, I love it. Can I just say my favorite thing is that there's not even glass right there.
They're just like in a takeout window. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what they do with the Hispanics. Put you right there.
Okay, first of all, you made it racial, and although that may be be true We don't need to communicate that to the public Don't make it about race You're back there because you're below us I do love that he's the whitest Hispanic I've ever seen in my life They both are Carlos is Mexican That is Carlos and Andres We couldn't find more light skin, you can't. That's what they said in the ad.
Yeah. Must be white.
Yay. Let's play a game.
Do you remember the one time that you were mad at me? Oh, I want to hear it. Oh, yeah.
But I think there's more than one. No, that's the only.
I can only think of one, but you know the more than one time you were mad at me? Time? No, I remember plural times when we were gonna run your special and you didn't show up that time yeah you know what's funny what i just went on a date with a girl and we matched on a dating app went on a date and she's like yeah you know i uh the the first time i started being interested no actually i never want to do yes i did she started being interested in you. She goes, I went to see Bobby Lee run his hour, and he didn't show up.
And I remember everyone was so bummed that Bobby wasn't there. But then you went up, and you had such a great set.
And I was like, who's this guy? Amazing. Stolen.
Stolen? Right out from under you. But the thing is, I love Bobby Lee and always, always have.
And I was more – I wasn't mad at you. I just wanted you to care more because I think everybody loves watching you do stand up.
That's right. That sounds like a good story, though.
Sounds like a great story. He was mad at me for a while, though.
How long were you mad at Bob for? Not long. Maybe two, two and a half years.
I honestly thought it took a while because there was like a weirdness between us, I think. No, because...
Yeah, because you're fucking weird as fuck. Yeah, you're weird.
That's unsalting. Wait a minute.
Unsalting? Unsalting? No, no. He just learned unsalted, so he gets these confused all the time.
Because when we go out and something's unsalted, he goes, that's insulting. And I go, Bob, it's unsalted.'s unsalted and he'll just mix these things up yeah yeah are you trying to honestly look are you trying to say that for any genuine i that you're not strange you're strange in a good way no you don't think you're strange at all listen i'm gonna say bobby uh bobby is right by the way write it down bobby 100 bobby now I think you've grown a lot emotionally in that it used to be that you come up and you'd be like hey buddy and you give a hug and then you try slap me in the dick and then you would leave and now you come up and you genuinely look at me like hey how are you you know what I mean you're growing as a man that's great would you say that I'm fine will you say this then yeah that was once weird yeah i think you were just worried about about you would you thought i was gonna be mad at you and so you were gonna be awkward but i was like i still love you bro yeah yeah i just don't want any fucking bad feelings between us and there are none was there another time that i'm that we no no not at all i imagine there was all right there's a let me get the list.
Centino had me prep. He's like, bring the list.
Have you had falling outs with other comics before? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but I don't look at this as a falling out with you. Yeah.
It's funny. I have falling outs.
Every comic has falling outs with other comics. Yeah.
It's a part of the world or the business of like, she's too young to know it yet. You have it, Eddie? Not like, no.
Like I from people but i think that's different no but not out of rage we're talking about no thank you don't need to see you ever again no no that happens in our business because we're too close we're on top of each other all the time yeah so you eventually go no thank you i'm okay and then you kind of navigate it because sometimes they're famous or whatever and they're doing well so it's like you do it in your own way by ignoring yeah well we all have our own way but you know for the most part I have a list I know you have a list of what of people you don't like Jay if you're going over to a famous man or woman's house they invite you to a dinner party what are you are you bringing? I mean, you got to bring a bottle of wine, right? That was the initial thing was wine. They're not going to want you to bring food.
But we said nowadays they don't even care about the wine. No one gives a shit anymore.
They fuck it off. They usually go, oh, thank you.
Yeah. And then they throw it away.
So we said you got to bring something else a little bit more fun or memorable. He said a Rubik's cube missing a couple of colors.
That's not what I'm starting with. I was thinking maybe you bring like a, you make like a pre-made high end cocktail for everyone.
If we're not fucking with wine, we're like, but if they're, if they're bougie and they do it right, they're going to have everything dialed in food and drink wise anyway. So maybe the Rubik's is theik's is the play.
I don't know about missing the colors. No, you want to fuck them up a little bit.
No, not missing. We add extra colors to the red.
Yeah, they'll never be able to solve it. Got it, yeah.
It's unsolvable Rubik's. But you think they're going to just sit down and be like, hey, guys, everybody, hold up.
We got a Rubik's. Let's solve this real quick.
But you know those guys can solve it in six seconds, right? Yeah, Rick Glassman can. Yeah, yeah.
Anybody with autism, I think that's part of the thing. They can do it.
It's what it comes to. It's like you're born with a waste.
What's the world's record on solving a Rubik's Cube? I'll tell you right now. What? Give it.
Before you look it up. I'll say it's 3.8 seconds.
Whoa. I'm going to say 4.7.
4.7. I'd say 7.4.
7 seconds. That's high.
Jet ski. I was thinking minutes originally.

Well, go for it then.

Stick to your bad answer.

30 minutes.

Don't bail out on a shitty answer.

I know what's wrong now with your guesses.

Your way up.

Rubik's Cube world record.

Talented nine-year-old Chinese boy.

4.69.

I was pretty close.

I said 4.7.

Have you ever seen this?

Can you just show them how?

You're not going to believe this shit.

I've never solved one. Me either.
Have you ever solved one? Never. I've had one all my life.
I've never solved it. And I don't care if I ever do.
I threw it. I got to be honest.
I'm blown away he's Chinese. I mean, of all the places you think he would be from, that's a white.
It doesn't matter. Just white no it's not go go go ready look at it that's 4.22 this is the new world record oh boom wow holy shit my favorite is when they does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers.
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Terms and conditions apply. You see how he picked it up at first and looks at it? Yeah.
They look at it. They get time to like look at it.
So they have, they have it like under a thing. Then you get a chance to look at it and then they put it down like, all right, I'm ready.
So they, they process what it looks and then they go. But I feel like there's got to be a category

where you don't get to look at it first,

because that to me seems like the real challenge.

Not looking at it.

All right.

Well, am I wrong?

It's hard enough.

Then make it hard enough.

You know what's so funny about the human mind?

I bet you at some point in the future,

not looking at it and looking at it,

they'll be able to beat the looking at it before,

because that's how dedicated the mind is. Or there's just going to be two records.
There'll be two records. Two records, right.
Well, he looked at it. I want to say something that's going to be controversial.
You might have to cut it out. No, no, leave it in.
Leave it in. Notice the people that are all skinny.
A fat guy wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be thinking about food the whole time.
Their fingers are too big. Their fingers are too big.
Oh, is that what it is?

I think so. You have to be nimble, no? Is that controversial? Look, Google.
Is there any fat Rubik's Cube champ? I love it. This is controversial for you? Oh, no.
Well. I've said some things.
Yeah. It doesn't always work that way, though, because the hot dog champion, he's skinny.
Joey Chestnut. Yeah, he's skinny.
But the inside's fat. Yeah, no, he's skinny fat.
There is a thing called skinny fat where he's bigger than he looks. He's not fat, but he's just got more space than you see.
No, I mean, they're pretty skinny, I think some of them I've seen. They look really skinny.
I don't even understand. How does he even find out that that's the skill set that he has? See, this is another thing, right? With sports, you can see athleticism started.
You go, wow, the kid's got a thing of the thing. This is a dare.
Like, in college, like she said, for real, Del Taco used to have 25-cent tacos on Tuesday nights. So we would go to the dorm and there's a couple of guys, we would all usually just get a few tacos, but there's a couple of guys that were like, I'm going to see how many I can eat and they would battle and whoever ate more the other guy would pay for him and there was one dude on our hall that was a little tizzy he had a little tism interesting cat wouldn't look you in the eye a little tizzy looked you on a third button down sweet kid he could eat like 20 tacos no shit from del taco house them 20 tacos and still be fine didn't like pass out or throw up he felt ill but it was fine and i think it's one of those moments like that that people go i think i have a weird capability of eating way too much food go to a full body go to a full body one you can't tell from the um chest up see he's bigger than you think he's got a pistachio commercial right now he does the joey chestnut that's him not big he might have that like look at those are your gut know, but he's just crazy.
I think he's got a big can. Maybe his can is good size.
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we used to go to parties if we went to a frat house and they had a pool room they'd always

had a pool table we'd steal one ball we'd always steal one ball did you ever get the full set

Thank you. We used to go to parties.
If we went to a frat house and they had a pool room, they'd always had a pool table. We'd steal one ball.
We'd always steal one ball. Did you ever get the full set? No, no, no.
We'd always just like to steal a ball because it would fuck because now they have to go get. Yeah.
And you can't buy one ball. Amazon didn't exist back then.
Some pledge got his ass handed to him over that one ball. I know.
We used to steal one ball all the time. My dad fired three employees because of me and and I never told anybody.
Why? Because I stole $14,000 from my dad's safe. Time out, hold on.
$14,000? What the fuck, Bobby? I used to steal a pool ball. You stole $14,000? Not in one shot.
Even still. What was your average withdrawal? When I was using drugs, every Friday my dad would, he had six clothing stores in San Diego.
Fashion gal. Right.
So he would go to every fashion gal and pick up money in these brown paper bags that were stapled and then bring it back to our house, put it in the safe, and then Monday he would deposit it. I don't know why he did it that way.
And you knew the safe combination? No. I said I had my license.

So I'll do that for you, Dad.

Scumbag. Right? So I would go

I bought a stapler and

I opened the bag and I would take a couple hundred bucks

out. What's so funny? I love that the

big investment was a stapler for this whole

operation. But I just need to restable.

And I would stable it back together and

in his mind he thought it was like his employees so he fired them so three people lost their jobs because of you yeah I'm sorry I had to do math and now your dad is dead because of all this yeah he knows now probably wherever he is wait you think he's dead of the stress from the firings yeah because he knew those people were good people they had nothing to do with that yeah, and I think his dad died honestly because those people were good people. He knew it.
He felt bad, and he thought something was afoot. And sure enough.
That's not what I am. But you think you stole around $10,000 to $14,000? Yeah, a lot.
Did you? Yeah. How much? You know, I used to steal from my dad.
My dad kept his wallet in his top sock drawer, and if it wasn't on him and and it was in there i know that's because he's in the shower or he always kept his wallet on him like he didn't you wouldn't know because you heard the shower running if i knew he was in the shower i could get in yeah go get the wallet but he would always keep like he always kept cash but he would keep a couple hundred bucks in his wallet at any given time but if he had broken 100 during the day i could snipe a 20 or two out of there but if i took 100 he'd beat the shit i he would know hundred did you ever get caught one time he said something to me about i think he had asked he he forgot if he gave me money to get me and my sister pizza and he's like did i give you uh cash for that and i was like i did yeah i think you did and he's like did you give me the change and I did give you the change. And he's like, yeah, I'm short a little bit of money.
You gave me the change? And then I immediately got to my room and then I, oh, I found it. Yeah.
He knew. In my jeans.
Very good. Very good.
I found it, Dad. I'm sorry.
But then I think he put it together that I must have been sniping. But a $100 bill, that's insane.
What would it come to us? He would punch you? Well, he'd punch me just for regular days. What do you mean? In the face or just like in the shoulder like a charley horse? Just a couple body shots.
I got a body shot. No, he wouldn't punch me.
I don't know. I actually don't know.
Like every kid steals from their parents. I don't know what they would have done if they found out that I was thievering did you guys steal did they have that in mexico no what about in spain you don't steal from your parents you don't steal at all nobody's pieces coins hold on did your parents have money yeah look at them yeah okay well if your parents have the money to give you then it's a different story but if you're like right needing to get something you know did you ever steal? no I did steal Vicodin you did for your mom? no my stepdad had a pill pill bottle in the bathroom and I would just get one pill at a time similar to your story I wouldn't take the whole thing can't you take the whole thing a little bit off the top you never can this is how I know you're from Arizona oh yeah yeah we're going for money you're going for pills yeah I never stole money I'd steal money when I worked at the coffee shop When people wouldn't tip I would like add a dollar to the receipt Oh Okay I sold That's like fraud That's not even stealing That's straight up fraud That's prison You go to prison for that I made it out But yeah I did some fraud I stole Sunny Delight From who? What? From my roommate Alex Sunny Delight? You know? And you know what happened? Uh-huh.
He yelled at me. He goes, I know you're fucking drinking.
And he goes, and he started putting a red marker where he left it off. And I would fill it with water.
So eventually it was just water. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never stole from my roommates.
You never did? I never stole from roommates. I was always so scared of that thing.
Yeah. Well, I liked them.
You didn't like your roommates? No, no. I was like, but also, the only time I ever had an inclination was I wanted a new phone and I couldn't afford it and they gave me rent because I was the responsible one and I thought, I should just fucking go buy that fucking phone and not give the rent money and then we'll figure figure it out later.
But I didn't do it. I did the right thing.
Well, you're poor, though, with fucking. I remember doing.
I was 24. And I was like, I need a phone so bad.
And I was going to do it. And I didn't do it.
I'm glad I didn't do it. But I really thought about it.
Because when you have the cash in your hand, you're like, I could do it. They're never going to know.
Yeah. What would you do then? You would have to make up the money, though, no? Yeah point you're you're so you're so horny from the thing yeah you're running on that high yeah you don't care you're just gonna do it i mean we used to steal i've talked on the show i used to steal from mcdonald's constantly yeah my buddy chris got they got fired for stealing cash we just steal food and sometimes a couple of bucks but what do we call stealing they would steal those guys got fired they stole a couple hundred bucks uh every week i think they would i mean they were i did too when i was bartending you would like bartending it's part of par for the course you have to steal when you bartend it's part of the game it's part of the game you remember do you remember uh what the hell was his name pete johansson oh yeah he used to work at at the Roxbury on Sunset back in the 90s.

And his bar manager would come over to him at the beginning of the night and be like,

make sure you're taking a little for yourself tonight because if you're not taking a little, you're taking a lot.

Wow.

And that's like what goes down with bartenders.

They know.

But when you're poor, the kind of fights you have with the roommates are ridiculous.

I remember we had a phone bill.

And I was living in Silver Lake

and Kalisa looked at the phone and goes

who called Santa Monica

Santa Monica

I'm not paying the three cents

I mean it's like those kind of fights

because you're so hungry and you have no money

it's terrible

the toilet paper fight was endless

because it was like I'm not buying it

it's like well I'm not buying it

until you get a bathroom that's of your own

when you're always sharing bathrooms always an argument

and Toilet paper fight was endless. It was endless.
Because it was like, I'm not buying it. It's like, well, I'm not fucking buying it.
I'm not buying it until you get a bathroom that's of your own. When you're always sharing bathrooms, always an argument in a fight.
I already bought it. You fucking, you buy it.
I bought. And then finally one of you gets an office job and you're like, I'm going to steal it from the office.
So I'd steal toilet paper from my office constantly. I'd literally get a backpack.
Yeah, well. Load up on whatever I could get from the office.
Yeah. And come back home, and I'd have toilet paper, turkey.
There's always deli meat in an office. Goal cuts.
Yeah, I would. There's always deli meat.
There's always somebody go get it. Some PA had to go get deli meat.
So I'd get toilet paper, turkey, printer paper, and printer ink. I used to steal printer ink constantly.
Printer ink is gold. I used to steal that constantly from the old office.
Wow. And they never questioned it because the guy wasn't keeping inventory he would just put it on the thing to go get and then assume an executive was just printing a lot of scripts we ever you guys are ever on point where you didn't eat at all like you were just starving yeah literally starving when i first moved to la i would say i would just to the point where i ate ramen for like a week and a half straight every day.

Yeah.

But I did it for,

I would do ramen in the morning and then at night I'd try to at least buy

from the grocery store,

or the 7-Eleven, I mean, not the grocery store.

I'd buy like an old sandwich, you know?

First of all, you can't buy an old,

what do you mean?

Like, you guys throwing that out,

I'll take it for half price.

Dude, at 7-Eleven, let me tell you something. Everything there is old.
Everything is old. Nothing's made on premises, man.
Nothing's new. Well, let me say this.
Now that you're, so you're both single. Bobby's.
Yeah, how is it? What is it like? Is it, are you miserable? Are you killing it? What's it like? So aggressive. Tell me.
Well, clear. I'm not sucking dude's tongues right now.
So, buddy. Is it going well, Jay? It's what it is.
When you have kids, it's a different situation. Yeah.
What about you? No. It's not good.
What's funny? He's having a tough time. Why? I think he doesn't really...
His standards are ridiculous. My standards do high.
And then he meets somebody that is probably wonderful and he just bails on them. Or he just checks out.
You mean like he did for his... When he was supposed to run his hour set? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The one. Like for your hour set.
He doesn't remember it. But he does.
But he needs advice. Help him out with this.
I mean, what are your standards? Why do they have to to be so high because he's a special little prince i don't know maybe it's um i don't know i i just i like what i see you know what i mean don't yeah dude i know but i mean yeah i think i'm like with even with the weight i'm like a seven seven and a half i feel like you're a solid like four five five right he's saying 45 what are we up there well i know but i think don't you think what you do for a living raises that i think yeah i think people enjoy laughter and charm and you have that and you are adorable yeah yeah you know what i mean so yeah but i mean i think it comes down to sometimes you just like what do you think's bob's flaw juice, and why he hasn't found a new thing?

Well, for one, I think it's okay to have high standards.

Thank you.

I think you know what you want, and you shouldn't settle.

You mean even talking for a quick smash?

But for a quick smash, I'm with you.

Stay with quick smash.

That's where I was going next.

Well, I mean, Carlos is good at quick smashes.

But he'll smash anything. No, well.
That's not true. You've seen me with hot girls.
But I've seen you with other ones as well. That's true.
Yeah. Don't think you.
Well, when you were wrestling, did you wear a mouth guard? Mm-hmm. Do you remember when you're back in the days and they'd throw it in a boiling fucking pot of water? Yeah.
I always did that. You just bite down on it.
And your dad was like, it's not that hot. It's steaming hot.
Yeah. And you'd singe the roof of your fucking mouth with it i always hated doing those i was like just let me use an old one he's like you can't you gotta get a new one the old ones are don't work and you'd sit there he'd boil it my dad he would take it out and be like oh here put it in your mouth shove it in your skull yeah yeah singe your mouth i hated it the dropping the weight for the tournament before is the worst where you're wearing, you know what I mean? What do you call it? The sweatsuit? Not a sweatsuit, but we'd wear a plastic bag, like a suit, and then we'd go in a dry sauna.
Like garbage bags. The garbage bags.
Yeah. And then we would have to like sweat it out.
What age did you wrestle to? You know he was really good. Do you know this? I just, I...
And his brother was really good too. Yeah.
I'm athletic. No, seriously.
They were really good wrestlers. I'm super athletic.
Well, that's... Again, don't do that.
We've talked about this. That's not true.
You're good at some things. Athletic means you have a broad range of athleticism across a board of sports.
That's not what it means, right? That's literally what... Yes.
Look at what the fuck athletic means. What do you think it means? What other sports are you good at? Tennis.
Starting with that. Wrestling.
Tennis. I was on a tennis team in high school.
Oh, right.. The physical qualities that are characteristic of athletes such as strength, fitness, and agility.
So you're not across those boards. You don't have strength.
I could be if I wanted to be. Well, and if fucking.
And that's the thing. Agility, quick as fuck, bro.
Like the flash. Mm-hmm.
Still. Bing, bing, bing.
That's me, dude. I'm all over the place, right? What's the other one? I like that I could be.
Strength, fitness, and agility. Yeah, I could do all that shit.
I just don't want to. I like pizza.
Yeah, and if I was black, that's what I'm all over the place right what's the other one I like that I could be strength fitness and agility yeah I could do all that shit I just don't want to I like pizza yeah and if I was black I'd be in the NBA I don't like that's such a bad argument I could if I was if it did you're making me mad because the thing is is that I'm never I could prove it to you but I don't want to it's bullshit then then it's fake no because just because I don't want to prove it it's not real then alright it's not real if you want to show me you're athletic are you athletic? don't insult me don't insult me on our show are you athletic? he's athletic 100% I'm athletic me too then no you're fucking not because you play golf? I play many sports my whole life me too my whole life no you didn't you played you wrestled and that was it and tennis team what years on these things? I was on the high school tennis. Look at the yearbooks.
Wrestling and tennis team. Jay, get the yearbook.
I thought they'd be acting like it's a Wikipedia page for it. I have photos on my Instagram.
You did one year of tennis. No, years.
I played with Michael Chang. I was good.
Look at that. That's me and my brother wrestling.
That's fine. First of of all It's a picture of you In wrestling uniforms

35 years ago

Yeah

No that was in high school

35 years ago

And then look at

Look at the third photo

There

That's more like that

Go to the other one

No no stay on that

Look at what I'm wrestling

Triple H

That's triple H

Is that for Mad TV?

No

That's a high school fucking

Yeah that's a high school

He didn't fight that guy

Yeah yeah

Well it's on

You see the photo fuck face

Yeah no shit

But you're in the same weight class

That's me break dancing dude

Thank you. That's the Bob I love and I know.
That guy right there. Jay Larson is a good old friend of ours that we've both known for a long time who's a hilarious comedian.
And we would highly recommend you please watch Jay Larson's special on YouTube. What's it called, Jay? We'll link it, yeah? Fans, link it, please, in the description.
I appreciate i appreciate that boys it's called sounds like bruce okay which is a which is a phrase from arguably not just jay's one of the best jokes i've ever uh ever heard if you know it you know it if you've seen it on the internet people probably some people i'm assume a lot of people already know uh but it's a good call call to one of the best jokes I've seen on the internet.

What is this?

Thanks, pal.

Bobby sent this to me.

Bobby sent this to me and said, we got to go to church.

You sent this to me.

I did not see you that.

I'll show you the DM.

I think I did, yeah. You did.

Yeah. And he said, we need Jesus.
We need Jesus for life. This man is just beating his patrons with a belt.
And they're taking it. Yeah.
That's a Sunday morning, by the way. Where is that? What's that? Do you know where it is? Temecula.
No. Temecula, California, my friend my friend we don't know I don't know where it's from he sent it to me and just said we got to go to church I just felt like the Lord calling me you want to get beaten I deserve it you think so yeah a little don't you deserve it I think it's pretty dogmatic to want pain and pleasure and all I get I get what you it means to you It's one of those things where you kind of go, you know't you deserve it? I think it's pretty dogmatic to want pain and pleasure.

I get what it means to you.

It's one of those things where you kind of go...

You know how you see a cooking show

and go,

oh, I'd love to eat that meatloaf.

Right?

I want to know what that feels like.

To be in a church

and get beat by your preacher?

Well, I mean,

it's not like he's repeatedly doing it.

So maybe one swack,

you know,

my buns will jiggle.

Just one swack of it's fine.

Yeah, don't you think?

Yeah. I just want to know what that feels like.
Let me makeack of it's fine. Yeah, don't you think? Yeah.

I just wanted to know what that feels like.

Let me make amends real fast.

All right, sorry.

Okay?

Go ahead.

You are athletic.

No, it's okay.

Look at me.

I've seen you do things that are very athletic, okay?

And you're strong and you're smart.

No.

And I care about you.

No, no.

And you have a good penis, a regular, nice, regular penis, okay?

Okay? No. You don't want it? I don't want it, man.
You really made me mad. Shut up.
I see that. Shut up.
Fuck you. No, fuck you.
You shut up and fuck you. You're acting like a fucking guy.
I just said nice stuff to you. I know, but you...
No, and then you said no. For the last 45 minutes, you're weak.
You got nothing. I didn't say weak once.
I didn't say got nothing once. Did I fancy...
It's a whole podcast. You're weak.
You got nothing. Did I say anything like i didn't say got nothing once did i podcast you're weak you got nothing did i say any anything like that no it was just implied it's implication yeah you i you don't think i can take implications i know what they mean what did they mean that means i could read through the lines between the lines i know what you mean what what is that calling me a little bitch no i'm not yeah no i'm not and you when you get together with your white jockey friends and and yeah, I'm calling you out, dog.
Jockey? You mean like a horse rider? Like a horse rider? You fucking bullies getting together, right, and you team up on the little guy. Of us three, the only guy that could be a jockey would be you.
That's another joke. That's not a joke.
Very funny, another joke. No, I will say this.
The only reason I say you couldn't be a jockey is because they're very athletic They're very athletic See what you guys do when you guys get together Try me dude What do you mean try you? Or you come to my podcast and you fucking treat me like that Both of you He's been saying it was his the whole time I know he thinks it's his All of you in the room, hear me roar. We love you.
Hear me roar right now.

You too, fuck.

You need to slow down.

Yeah, you're a part of the whole thing.

All you people, dude.

I think you're trying.

I've had enough of it, dude.

I'm drawing the line right now.

Draw of you.

I'm 51.

I'm athletic.

I could be.

You're right.

You could be.

Yeah, even more.

I choose not to.

I agree.

I like that.

All right.

And I will fuck you guys up one day.