Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, spaghetti.

Speaker 1 I'm ready to go. Are you ready to go? Zamachina.com.
You're in the blue one. In the blue one.
Take a seat.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Dude, where do you even get something?

Speaker 1 Wow, dude.

Speaker 1 Wow. You know what, you forgot.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, what is that? The machine.

Speaker 1 Fancy.

Speaker 1 I'm allowing myself to have the best day of my life. You're having the best day of your life because you deserve it, baby boy.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to get emotional. Don't get emotional.
Don't cry.

Speaker 1 He's crying already. Oh, you prince.
It has been amazing. You deserve it.
It's been the best day of my life. The best day of my life.
You want to put your cans on or no? Wow. Don't.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what, Bert? In celebration of your movie, Bobby and I wanted to. We figured you'd needed a drink.
I know you brought Bud Light. Please tell me.
You want to drink? Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 We figured you needed something to drink. Yeah.
We're doing an anal chug

Speaker 1 because I'm in. Colonoscopy.

Speaker 1 There we go. Some ice.
Just a little bit of ice for you there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what do you want? What do you want with it? Just a little bit of vodka? A little bit of vodka. Oh, what is this?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it just vodka? I I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It doesn't matter. We have to have this.
I mean, I got a podcast.

Speaker 1 Now, do you want, what do you want with it, though? I've got

Speaker 1 ginger beer. I have a little bit of starry.
You want lemon lime soda? Lemon lime soda would be awesome. Yeah, let's get it.

Speaker 1 Do you want ginger beer at all or no? No, no, no, no. Just lemon lime so just a little soda.
Just a little soda. Just a little bit.
I have a Korean pea, just a little bit. Yeah, a little cream pee.

Speaker 1 A little cream pea. Yeah.
In Korea, that's how we do it. I got to tell you, Bert, while this is making for you,

Speaker 1 we had the best time last night. It's genuine.
I'm genuine when I said this.

Speaker 1 I hugged you tight. It's such a great, funny movie.
It's so good for comedy. We're so proud of you.
We're so happy for the machine, baby. Thank you.
Thank you. We're happy for the machine.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 It was so good seeing all my friends. Bobby, where were you? I was there.
You were there? Where were you, buddy? It was so good.

Speaker 1 It was so good. And

Speaker 1 when I was in the theater, I was going, I go, this not only, this is... This movie is a franchise.
Yeah, how did you feel about it? I felt like moved. I was crying, and then I got

Speaker 1 you sitting. Where were your seats? Yeah, where were your seats? Where were we? In the box,

Speaker 1 with your grandparents, dude. That was fucking so good, dude.
That was sick. And the after party, the dancing.
Where was the after party at? At the W Hotel, dude. Of course.

Speaker 1 Was I not there? You were there. I wasn't there.
I thought it was Roy Choi. I wasn't there.
I came up and I gave Roy Choi a hug and said, Bobby,

Speaker 1 I went. Ask him.
I went. I couldn't find parking.
He couldn't. That's a lie.
I swear to God. No, Bobby is the king of this.
No, no, no. But you know what, Bert? I'll be honest.
I'll be genuine.

Speaker 1 He texted me and goes, I'm on my way.

Speaker 1 And I said, dude, do you want me to pick you up? And he goes, I'm taking a nap. It was four o'clock.
I go, okay, okay. That's what I said.
Okay. I love you.
And then I hung up, and then he texted me.

Speaker 1 We sat in the seats. And then he goes, I'm here.
And I said, great, where? And he goes, looking for parking. I pin-dropped him the three parking garages on Gaylee.

Speaker 1 This guy goes, I can't find it. I'm going home.
For real? Yeah, but can I say this, though? What?

Speaker 1 And this is going to make you feel so good okay please

Speaker 1 um when I was at the comedy store that night and I felt guilty please he comes in privately yeah andrew and he looks at me privately goes can I be honest with you I go yeah he goes that movie was so fucking good it's good for comedy dude it was good and he did it he did it secretly without people listening so I was like you know what because he never gives compliments

Speaker 1 what the fuck are you talking yes I do don't do that

Speaker 1 you what I give compliments.

Speaker 1 But you save them. You don't like throw them out like jelly beans.
Then it makes it worth it. Then they really matter.

Speaker 1 I don't know why jelly beans, but I'm saying is, you know how people give away jewelry? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Robert Reagan.
Yeah, Robert Reagan did it, right?

Speaker 1 So my point is that he said it privately. Yeah.
And he goes, this is good for comedy. This is good for everybody.
And I went to myself, I thought to myself, wow, it must be really good.

Speaker 1 And this is going to blow up, and you're going to be at a different level. Congratulations.
Thank you. It's beautiful.

Speaker 1 Thank you, buddy. I appreciate this cocktail.

Speaker 1 I started drinking the second I woke up this morning. God bless, dude.
You deserve it. You deserve it.

Speaker 1 You know what, man? I had a night last night,

Speaker 1 my wife has a saying, earn your Mondays, right?

Speaker 1 Can I say it how she says it? Earn your Mondays. Earn your Mondays.

Speaker 1 She's got a raise.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking pretty amored. Earn your Mondays.
Earn your Monday, Spurs. Earn your Mondays.
Earn your Mondays. And Amy Schumer, she earned her Monday.
She earned her Monday.

Speaker 1 That fucking, that movie was good. I don't care what you say.
Train Wreck was a good movie, and she earned her Monday. And I went,

Speaker 1 and it's true. It's like you do all the hard work to get through the weekend as comics.
We know what that feels like. And then on Monday, when you get on the airplane, you get a little break, right?

Speaker 1 And I love that feeling. And I...
I woke up this morning and it's not Monday yet. We haven't gotten numbers in.
Who knows? I mean, when this airs, it will be. But I was like, fuck it.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck. I earned my Monday.
You did. I earned my Monday.
You You earned it. You did.
I busted my ass. I almost lost my arm for it.

Speaker 1 Like, and Andrew, Bobby, I wish you could have been there. Andrew, your compliment to me yesterday was so heartfelt.

Speaker 1 The fucking beautiful thing about this goddamn comedy community is I got compliments from dudes I really respect. Like, you know, you know how we are.
Like, we really respect. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, and, uh, it, it, I had one of the best nights of my entire life. I won the best nights.
I had maybe the best night of my entire life. The red carpet was next.

Speaker 1 So much fun. Dude, you, dude, I threw axes.
We did put-putt. We've did flip cock.
We've got a big cock. So hard to get this in my throat.
Come on, baby.

Speaker 1 Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.

Speaker 1 How's it taste?

Speaker 1 What does it need? It's not the best.

Speaker 1 It's not the best. What does it need? What does it need? Salt.
Don't think you put salt in margaritas? Maybe a ginger beer? No, a little less, a little less asbestos.

Speaker 1 I'm going to sit in here. I'm going to to sip on a Bud Light as I slip on this.
There's MSG in it because I want to. By the way, this chair is deflating.
Does anyone notice in this?

Speaker 1 I'm going to be sitting on the floor still.

Speaker 1 It's getting shorter and small. What did you do to our chair?

Speaker 1 You fucked up our chair, dude. Those are brand new chairs.
We just bought this. Look at how small this chair is.

Speaker 1 It's falling apart. I'm sleeping.
Crisscross applesauce.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're earning your Monday right now. I'm earning my fucking Monday.

Speaker 1 Go in the pink one then. Oh, yeah, the pink one.

Speaker 1 That's what it is. It's not that I'm fucking fat as fuck and you couldn't afford a budget to get goddamn chairs from Ashley's furniture.

Speaker 1 That's from her sister. That's Joanne.

Speaker 1 Scoot over to the pink one. We'll get you on the pink one.

Speaker 1 No, you know what?

Speaker 1 Let him stay. This is fun.
Yeah, this let it let it happen. Are you comfortable like that?

Speaker 1 All right, good. Okay, not bad.
And you're can I say something about your wife? Yes, I've never met somebody so like mindful and generous. Aileen, is that her name? Eileen.
Eileen. Eileen.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Eileen. It's Leanne.

Speaker 1 Okay, dude, it's Eileen. Leanne, I met.
You're combining Isla and Leanne together. Okay.
You're taking all of my bits and turning them into one.

Speaker 1 You know, the time

Speaker 1 the Russian mafia farted on your shin during oral sex? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She sends me over the years. Buddy, she loves you.
Knives. She loves you.
She sent me

Speaker 1 gifts.

Speaker 1 She's always calling me. She texted me today as we're driving here and she goes, if Bobby wants to do any fully loaded dates, opens the offer still open.
I want to do them. Well, then come on.

Speaker 1 You know, you don't, you lying.

Speaker 1 You don't. You don't.
And look, I know you guys listen to this podcast. Andrew, are you doing a fully loaded dates? 100%.
I am. You know how that works?

Speaker 1 I send you an offer, and then you said that I said, yep. And then you there.
And then you know how Bobby works?

Speaker 1 I never got that offer. I never got that offer.

Speaker 1 I never got that offer. Call him out.
Oh, no, finally.

Speaker 1 Call me out. Bobby, you are the fucking.

Speaker 1 I'm the best.

Speaker 1 I'm the best. You're my favorite.
You're my favorite. I'm going to say something.

Speaker 1 I'm your favorite neighborhood gook. Hey, slow down.

Speaker 1 Slow down. I got two of my favorite.
Do it slow.

Speaker 1 Do it slow. Now go.

Speaker 1 I'm your favorite friendly neighborhood gook. There it is.

Speaker 1 Can we say that or no? Yeah, you can. You can definitely say that.
All right, because I want to say this, okay? That here's what happens. Oh, I know what happens.
You don't have to tell me.

Speaker 1 But no, because I have to tell you. I feel like I do have to tell you.
Go ahead. I want to hear your version.
There's no version. There's the truth and not the truth.

Speaker 1 Okay, I want to hear what you're doing. We're not doing this fucking fucking QAnon bullshit.
What? You know how things get rumored and like there's conspiracy to theories. This is not QAnon.

Speaker 1 You fucking Captain Reddit over here. Yeah, what's going on? I'm capping Reddit right now.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and do it. Here's what happens, okay? I want to hear it.
Is that I get a call from my

Speaker 1 the Jews

Speaker 1 Is Edinburgh Jewish?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, he might be my agents, my agents, he's half, yeah, and they go, you got this offer, but you know what I mean, This and this. And they somehow talk me out of it.
Yeah, I know. Right.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, and I, and I, I should stick up for myself. When you say they talked you out of it, do you mean they asked, do you want to do this? And you said, I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Number one, you had that yacht party. I wanted to do the yacht party.
It's called a cruise. Yeah, it's a cruise.
And it cruise out.

Speaker 1 And it's sold out in 24 hours. I know.
I wanted to do it because. By the way, by the way, we were off and you, like, just so we're, if we're, I don't really give a fuck anymore.
I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 Bobby was my first go-to. He was my first go-to for that.
What'd you do?

Speaker 1 And immediately he said, no.

Speaker 1 Now, listen, I'll tell you how someone says no.

Speaker 1 Tim Dylan. Shout out to Tim Dylan.
Yeah. He said yes.
We signed it on, and then he goes, I can't do it. But he called me and said, hey, man, I'm not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 And you were like, okay, I got it. That's nice.
Yeah. Bobby says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How come I'm not included? How come I want to go to barbecues at your house?

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, you send me the offer. And then it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then

Speaker 1 less reliable than Tim Dylan. Whoa.
Tim Dylan.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you, Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz.
And the people that work with me. I sent Andrew Schultz an offer.

Speaker 1 I sent Andrew Schultz an offer. And you know what he said? He texted me immediately.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have to respectfully decline.

Speaker 1 I'm not available for those. I'm fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What does Bobby do? He goes, I want to do it.
I want to do it. I still do.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, though.

Speaker 1 That's the thing that you don't fucking fully understand, my little daughters. My daughters want you on it.
My wife wants you. Everyone loves you, Bobby.
Everybody wanted you on it.

Speaker 1 You're not loving yourself, is what this is. Yeah.
What it is, is this, okay? This and that.

Speaker 1 Put your arms inside. Why? Don't be so big.
Okay. You're trying to threaten.
Don't threaten. All right.
Call me. Okay, so go through our steps.

Speaker 1 I'm now sitting on the ground.

Speaker 1 Just to be very clear.

Speaker 1 I'm taking my flip-flops off because I'm going crisscross applesauce in a second.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be genuine when I say this. We are going to bill you for that chair.
That's a brand new chair.

Speaker 1 That's a brand new chair. Oh, I'll give you 13 bucks.
Fine, fine. We're still sending the bill.
Step up your fucking Bobby. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 For the yacht, though, the yacht is that they're like, It's a cruise, Bobby. We're not on a fucking yacht.
Let him keep saying yacht because it's never going to leave his brain. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're not going to cruise means he doesn't know. Fully loaded cruise.
The only thing that Tom cruise, I know that's the only cruise I know.

Speaker 1 And you know, cruising for dick at night in West Holland. Oh, yeah, I do that.
That's fun. Yeah, yeah.
Bush cruising. And they're both not good.
No. Yeah, Tom or that is good.
No, Tom's great.

Speaker 1 He's great. And I love him.
This is so sad.

Speaker 1 Just look at me, Fris.

Speaker 1 This

Speaker 1 i think you should switch the chairs nope okay i'm owning it i'm owning it it's so fucking funny people were like my mic people were like well you're recording did you put a fucking hole in this on purpose to make it look like i'm so fat fuck you punks no who would dare to something like that wait what yeah it's hard to understand all right go ahead

Speaker 1 they're like you know you just got sober do you want to be on a uh yacht cruise yeah for 30 days or whatever and i got like maybe 30 days it's not 30

Speaker 1 We're not going to South America. It's just to the fucking islands out of Miami.
It's three days. Three days.
Three days. That's all it is? It's not 30 fucking days.
Three days.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 sounds like you need to make a call to your agent live on the show and say yes.

Speaker 1 Anyway, anyway, really good movie.

Speaker 1 You haven't even fucking seen it.

Speaker 1 Because he tells me, can I say another thing? Please? Whoa, whoa, don't he tells me. I didn't do anything.
I showed up. I was there early.
I took photos. I took a picture of the music.

Speaker 1 He gave me a hug. Give me a big hug and a kiss.
In my ear, told me, for real, legit, gave me my flowers and was like, dude, you killed it. This was awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm in legit.

Speaker 1 I was so happy with who showed up.

Speaker 1 I would love for you to have been there. But like, the people that showed up, Busting with the Boys, right? Busting with the Boys came in.
They flew from Nashville. They don't even live here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Leanne. And they made it.
Leanne flew them out and gave them 24 hours' notice. Sent him a text.
Said, yo, a ticket's for you at Nashville Airport. They both flew out.

Speaker 1 Had a great Christy Mac came out.

Speaker 1 Adrian Acechik came out.

Speaker 1 Tommy, dude, can I tell you the move of the year? Give me the move.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Tom

Speaker 1 doesn't reply.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, are you going to make it to the premiere? Please tell me to make it to the premiere. No reply.
I then call him and he's like, hey, man, I can't fucking make it. And I go,

Speaker 1 actually, I'm actually bothered by it.

Speaker 1 like I'm bothered I go you're my best friend we have a podcast together and we have a movie set up over at legendary fat astronauts you guys need to make it that's a great no one no one replies no one replies tom hits me up

Speaker 1 I'll read the Tom ones your glasses are on that chair I saw him hunting for it you see he did the thing that my dad does where he puts it right here and he touches the ghost glasses yeah he thinks they said I have a publicist texting me this morning.

Speaker 1 I have a signing for my book, which is going into paperback.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, when it does make the move from heart to paper. Yeah, that's a big deal.

Speaker 1 That is a very big deal. Very big deal.
That's a fucking deal. And he goes, I forgot I had this.
And then he writes back

Speaker 1 just, you know, like a couple hours later, he goes, you're not responding to this. And it's making me feel like this whole thing is getting weird.
And I go, sorry, I didn't open it. I did.
I lied.

Speaker 1 I said, sorry, I didn't open it. No worries.
That's all I wrote. No worries.
And he goes, I can't get out of it.

Speaker 1 I'm coordinating with my publisher, and it's Barnes and Noble, so it's kind of a big deal. It's coming out in paperdack.
Aren't they closing closing down yeah

Speaker 1 didn't they close down I'm the fool in this story yeah because I'm listening to Barnes and Noble he's like plus I have a VHS signing a blockbuster and fries and I think I got a

Speaker 1 and I think uh straight guys can get aids and he's like all the things that we thought back then yeah and so he goes uh and I said I got you no worries and he goes um

Speaker 1 Hey man, congrats on your big day. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it.
Very excited to see you in this movie and in movie theaters. Have a great weekend.
I love you. Have fun.

Speaker 1 And I just wrote, thanks, Tommy. I wish you could be here.
I understand. I love you.
And then this

Speaker 1 shows up. He showed up.
I know that because you told me that he showed up. I did.

Speaker 1 And I cried. He cried real hard.
Oh, so it was all a ruse.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what they call it. The kids call it a ruse.
Yeah. It was all a deception.
Yep. Shadow play.
Shadow play. Shadow play.
Yeah. And it got me good.
I fell apart hard. I was good.
I cried.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he was going to come all along. Yeah, apparently.
And I told him, I said, said i don't know why you did that you could have just said you were coming and then i just had a great day also

Speaker 1 early and didn't know either and i told rogan uh tom's cheating on christina

Speaker 1 i was like something's going on man like he was acting so fucking weird yeah because it's just off it's out of character out of integrity from him yeah and so i i was talking to rogan the other night and we're like and he's like

Speaker 1 How's everything going? You know, you know, Rogan sometimes can get that inside vibe from you. Yeah.
I go, something's going on with Tommy. He goes, wait, wait, what's going on?

Speaker 1 I said, I don't know, man. I can't track it, but he's not coming to my premiere.
And Rogan's like, whoa. He's not coming to your premiere.
And I was like, dude.

Speaker 1 And then, and then you know how, like, sometimes you sell your buddies under the bus. I was like, he was in Europe for 40 days.

Speaker 1 We only had like 10 shows. Like, what's going on? Yeah.
And he's like, wait, what do you think is going on? I go, I think he's cheating on Christina. He's got a wife over there now.

Speaker 1 He's got a Swedish wife. And then he's like, and I go, he's looking good.
He's in great shape. He's wearing Gucci everywhere.
He's got Rolex's Porsches.

Speaker 1 He smells like I would swoop in on Christina if that happened. Really? Yeah, because I know that she's dated Asians before.
Two. Oh, she has.
Two Asians.

Speaker 1 So she has that fucking little fucking thing. She likes little stuff.
She likes the yellow one.

Speaker 1 I think they were like, no offense, but I think they were like, they were like gentrified Asians. What do you mean? I think they were like regular, like,

Speaker 1 more accessible Asian. No, no, no, no.
No, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. You're like, you're like.
I'm the rice guy. I carry the rice in the rice.
No, no, no, no. You're like more like food truck Asian.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They were like,

Speaker 1 They were more like a chef. No, they were like corner office Asian.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm more like Roy Choi. Like I have my own like, you know what I mean? Yeah, he owns a food truck.
Yeah. He owns a food truck.
Food truck. That's what he's saying.
You are Roy Troy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you are Roy Choi. No, that's what I'm saying.
I agree with you. Like I have one called Coconut Cupcakes.
Soyboy. You're soy boy.
Soy boy. Soy boy, coconut cupcake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no, no. I agree with you.
Still cool. Still regular Asian.
I agree with you. Okay.
Here's the deal. She's not going to fuck you, man.
It's definitely not. You're fishing.

Speaker 1 She's not going to fuck you. If Tom cheated on her and she was single.
No. I could think I could swoop in and do it like a fucking little bird.

Speaker 1 I swoop in with her. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I would argue

Speaker 1 she's upgraded so much to like

Speaker 1 I bet she's not even her sons are bigger than you. That has nothing.
Size has nothing to do with it. It has almost everything.
And the aura. One of them's seven.
What?

Speaker 1 He's seven. He's bigger than you and I.

Speaker 1 They can't have their new dad be smaller than them. Right.
That's not how it works. And they live in Austin.
You show up in the house and they're like, don't make the bed, but it's okay.

Speaker 1 Well, let me ask you something. Does Danny DeVito have a shot? Yeah.
No, not with Christina. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Listen, let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 This is a great pivot. What would Christina fuck after Tom?

Speaker 1 So wait, now here's the deal. Remember, she's into fat guys.
That's who she married. A fat guy.
And then he lost the weight. Yeah.
And he's unrelatable now. And for my side,

Speaker 1 are we gonna be real or not? Yeah,

Speaker 1 and we go to do it at live shows, and they break, they chant, bring back fat Tom. Bring him back fat Tom, yeah, who would be who would be the next pick?

Speaker 1 Who's kind of a chunky bunky that she'd get into? Stavros, oh, she would fuck the shit out of me.

Speaker 1 She would go out with Stavros before me, he's so hot, way before you. That's so hot, okay.
This is the weight thing then. I think that's her thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, she's a chubby chaser, yeah, like Leanne, right? If Leanne married again, do you, I don't, I don't, I don't, you might be in her wheelhouse.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 your wife? Yeah. Oh, yeah, for Leanne.
Because she would be like, cool, cool, cool, cool, I'd swap. Woo! Like a bird.

Speaker 1 I swarm in. She would love you.
Little Asian bird swap. I go inside the nest, boink, boink, leave.
And you don't like to have sex a lot. You like to play video games.

Speaker 1 I like to fuck. No.
I'm a fuck machine, dude. Well, hold on.
That's not the story I read on Reddit.

Speaker 1 I still like to fuck. I'm a fuck machine.
No, no, no. You don't think I'm a fuck machine? You're not really a fuck machine.
You're like a, you know, you're, you're like a. I'm not electrical.

Speaker 1 I'm like more the, what the. You're handy.

Speaker 1 You're going to wind it up. Okay, okay, hold on.
Let's define ourselves. I would say I argue that people say that I work too much, right? So I'm a work machine.
Andrew, you are.

Speaker 1 Kind of a work machine. I'm a little workhorse.
A little workhorse. Bobby, if you had to name yourself one type of machine, is it fuck machine or is it? Sleep machine.
I'm a sleep machine.

Speaker 1 Probably a sleep machine. I'm a sleep machine.
That happens to fuck. You know, you know what you are?

Speaker 1 You know what machine you are? What? You're the ice cream maker at McDonald's because it's always broken. It works sometimes.
Once in a great day.

Speaker 1 That's good analysis. It's going to, but when you're going to be able to do it, sometimes

Speaker 1 it's delicious. It's delicious.
I know, but it never fucking works. Right.
It never works. And you know what? Everyone comes by and goes, how come that thing is still out of operation? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's 51 years old. How is it not fixed by now? And they go, we don't know.
We've tried over the years. It's just in sleep mode, and we can't wake it up.
Because if we do, it shakes and sputters and

Speaker 1 so you got to let it rest. Okay, you have to let it rest.

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This sunburned. This, look at this.

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Forever poster, baby. They're so well done.

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So, how do they get it, Bob?

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Speaker 1 This morning I woke up and

Speaker 1 it was beautiful. I was listening to Lil Goose and I was fucking, I was naked, Leanne was naked, and we were walking around the, I say in the presidential suite at the W.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 They gave it to me. You guys fucked today? You fucked this morning? Fucked this morning.
God bless. I love it.
Fucking nice, too. Really nice.
Yeah, it was really nice. Good make out session before.

Speaker 1 We just started making out again, like making out, like full-blown making out. And it's so

Speaker 1 secret time, but I'll share it. We fucked in my car the other night.

Speaker 1 Whoa, where?

Speaker 1 Was it a Bronco? 50s. No, it's a big Mercedes.

Speaker 1 We came home from the comedy store.

Speaker 1 We went to dinner at Saddle Ranch.

Speaker 1 What? At midnight. You did?

Speaker 1 And Leanne saw...

Speaker 1 She'll never listen to this, so I'm going to share everything. Yeah.
So Leanne saw two people, a guy and a girl, walk into the women's bathroom together.

Speaker 1 And she came out and we got in the car, and I was a little buzzed. And she was like, can you believe they fucking in there?

Speaker 1 they going in to fuck isn't that crazy can you can you believe that is this miss pat your wife it is

Speaker 1 there last night i know she was shout out to miss pat and not bobby and so i said i said you used to be like that i just randomly said i used to be like that

Speaker 1 we pull into our house she pulls under the carport so i like can't see her out of us out of her room

Speaker 1 and she grabs my dick

Speaker 1 and i'm like whoa and she just starts making out with me like making out like we're making out making out and then takes all of her clothes off in our fucking under our carport.

Speaker 1 And dude,

Speaker 1 I got, I got,

Speaker 1 I got three times. I remember fucking Leanne, right? Three times, so like when I die on my deathbed, the three times one was on a jet ski in a cove, totally naked when we were very young.

Speaker 1 Was it still rumbling?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I was worried about alligators and snakes, and then no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 what y'all doing down there? Hey, boy. Hey, boy.
How am I getting somebody? Leave it in. Leave it in, or boy.
One time was in my truck where I slammed my thumb in the car and I finished anyway, right?

Speaker 1 And then this time was in my Mercedes, and it was. What are we talking? Front seat, backseat? Front seat, front seat, reclining all the way back.

Speaker 1 By the way, my assistant and my social media manager are going to have a hard time driving home with me in that car. Yeah, now they are.
Now they are. I've seen your testicle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you've seen me naked. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A couple times. Yeah, but I saw it and it was a wonder.

Speaker 1 I still, I'm mesmerized by it. Big balls.
Have you seen my shoulders reject? We saw last time.

Speaker 1 I went benched 285 the other day.

Speaker 1 285 for real. And how old are you right now? 50.
There's not a lot of 50-year-olds that can do that. Yeah.
What do you think you can bench? Be genuine. Be real? Yeah.
Like, the bar is 45.

Speaker 1 I've never tried it. Well, the bar is 45.
You think you get the bar?

Speaker 1 I'm going to jump in and answer this. No, I'm going to jump in and answer this for him.
Yeah, yeah. My daughter has a hard time in the bar, and I'm betting Bobby will too.

Speaker 1 It's, it's, you guys have no idea, dude. All right.
Yay! Shame. My point is, is this, okay? I was on a wrestling team.
Dude, 30 fucking years ago, stop doing that. You're living in the past, dude.

Speaker 1 I bet I could throw a football over the mountains. It's over.
It's over. People sit there.
I can't even move. You don't fucking move.
You don't move. You don't,

Speaker 1 dude. Check this out.
Get in front of us right now. And do what? And do a push-up.

Speaker 1 Do a couple.

Speaker 1 Do a bunch. Let's see.
And I weigh 285.

Speaker 1 Let's see. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you ain't got it. I want to see it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, do it facing us.

Speaker 1 Let's go. All the way down and hold it.
Come on back. One.
One. That's actually impressive right there.
Two. Keep going.
Three. Let's get to 10.
Four.

Speaker 1 Five. He's speeding up because he's getting nervous.
Six. Go all the way down.
Seven. All the way down.
Eight. Come on.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 1 Ten. And we're running out of breath.
The whole podcast will be you. Look at this.
Go great.

Speaker 1 Dizzy, he's going to pass out.

Speaker 1 It's going to hit his fucking head. You know what? Yeah.
You can do the bar. You can do the bar.
You can definitely do the bar. Now breathe into the mic.
Let me hear your breathing.

Speaker 1 I haven't done it so long.

Speaker 1 I didn't know if I had it, but

Speaker 1 I still got it. I saw it.
You still got it. You still got it.
You still got it. You know what I mean? So that's in your face.
Yeah, it is in your face. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's right in your face, Daniel. You can be a t-shirt.
So that's in your face. Yeah, and also I can do a lot of things

Speaker 1 you don't even know. Name them.
Log it. The log thing.
Oh, you can log. You can log.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 We're on the log and we're twinning. Log rolling? Yeah, and we're on the lake.
And somebody, whoever, I can do that good.

Speaker 1 And I've never done it, but I know I can do it well. Oh, yeah, I believe it.
Yeah. I've done it.
It is. It's really hard.
It's so hard to do. It's so fucking hard.
Right. Legolas.

Speaker 1 Using you can shoot both. I would say take it up.
I never want to both, but I'm pretty sure I could hit not the center, but the the actual circle.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
I'm pitching it. Hey, guys.
Do you like the show, Bad Friends? Well, get ready to subscribe to the new show called Better Than Me.

Speaker 1 And it's Bobby Lee going out to find out if he's better than other people who has also never done it.

Speaker 1 That's good. That's good.
I like this. I like this.
We send you out in the world. When you're on tour, you go out and you bow shoot, bow hunt, bow whatever

Speaker 1 against another random dude. Yeah, who doesn't do it? Who doesn't do it? Yeah, yeah.
I like it. We bring an expert in.
Whoa. He goes in and he talks you both through it.

Speaker 1 He shows it to you and then you compete. I love it.
Can I ask a question?

Speaker 1 Name them all. By the way, I've done everything you're talking about, I've done.
That was called my travel channel job. Everything you've done, I've done.
By the way, I'm superior at bow hunting.

Speaker 1 Superior.

Speaker 1 Superior. You're an axe guy.
You're not better than Rogan.

Speaker 1 Can you pull it up real quick?

Speaker 1 So you do archery regularly. Yeah.
So you,

Speaker 1 and then there's people who regularly do it, and you guys have a certain,

Speaker 1 you know, comfort with like the whole, like the equipment and how to.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 if you were to grab all your friends who don't shoot regularly, like they don't practice regularly, and you go try to do this, I'm 100% certain that of that group, he would do the best.

Speaker 1 Of people that don't practice, if you were just like, this is how you shoot it, because he has really impressive, I'm telling you, hand-eye coordination.

Speaker 1 Like he has really good, like, anything like shooting a dart, throwing a ball, hitting a baseball, all that stuff

Speaker 1 is what he actually excels in. I've seen him play pool.
He could play a look in your eyes. I didn't know that.
Yeah, not first time playing Rogan and I.

Speaker 1 If he wasn't such a drunk, he'd probably be an amazing athlete.

Speaker 1 By the way, play that part.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, you couldn't fucking add it to that.

Speaker 1 You would still be drunk and be a great athlete. So many great athletes were drunks or are drunks.
So I think you're still on par, baby. I can't feel my arms.
Why? From the push-ups.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's funny as shit.

Speaker 1 I don't feel great. Yeah, you don't feel good.
Yeah, you don't feel good. I'm sitting on a brick.

Speaker 1 Do you want to switch to the comfy chair? Nope. Okay, good.
I own it.

Speaker 1 Can we get him some more Bud Light? Do we have more Bud Light? Hey, let's talk about

Speaker 1 getting people that are listening to this to go out to the movie theaters this weekend. No, honestly, people do need to go.
People do need to go to the theater and watch it.

Speaker 1 And Bobby should go himself. And you know what? I want you to buy a ticket this weekend and go watch it.
Will you do that? Say, I'll do that. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 I already bought it yeah where what theater arc light no he did the little mermaid and our light is closed arc lights closed down nice try good job bobby nice job they're opening for the machine you don't just for the machine yeah all right they're gonna close again oh for real yeah it's amazing we're doing a we're doing a theater run tonight where we go to the sold-out theaters and we surprise everyone oh that's great oh that's amazing but here's what i want to say about it okay like i said he gave you the compliment right but i've based on the trailer right

Speaker 1 um i went even when i saw the trailer, I was like, this is going to do something because you don't see comedy movies anymore. Like Will Farrell, all these guys, they can't put them out anymore.

Speaker 1 I think this is the new wave. I think you're going to revolutionize it for us, pave the way.
And maybe Brett Bad Friends will do a movie one day because of your fucking...

Speaker 1 Hey, from your mouth to God's ears,

Speaker 1 I say this all the time. I said this when I introduced the movie yesterday.

Speaker 1 Just if we know we can provide ticket sales in theaters and in arenas and in comedy clubs. We know that we we can.
We know there are people that like our comedy.

Speaker 1 We know that in podcasting, that people like our comedy.

Speaker 1 We need those people to support us in theaters because movie theaters are dying.

Speaker 1 Don't let them die because that is, here's where the real money's made is when you make the studios money, that's when they fucking double down.

Speaker 1 And so if this movie does good numbers and makes money, I guarant fucking T you,

Speaker 1 there's a buddy comedy with you two.

Speaker 1 I guarantee you next summer in the lineup, it's sold because you guys will roll into Lionsgate or Sony or wherever the fuck it is and be like, yo, we have a podcast.

Speaker 1 And they're going to look at your numbers on your podcast and go, Bert can do that. Let's get them.
Let's isolate his fans. Let's bring their fans in.
And then you guys will show up.

Speaker 1 Obviously, everyone listening will show up to this, but it has to start. It has to start somewhere.

Speaker 1 And I'm hoping it starts this weekend that people get out of their house, go to the movie theaters, and enjoy a movie theater.

Speaker 1 This movie, Andrew, correct me if I'm wrong, it should be seen on a big screen. Yeah, it's a big treat.
You can't watch it.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could watch it at home, but it's one of those things where it's like, you want to see, like, like John Wick shit.

Speaker 1 It's like, sure, watch out at your house, I guess, but also definitely watch it in the theater. This has so much action.
Dude, which part did you like the most about the action scenes? In what?

Speaker 1 In his movie. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The fucking. When they came down the mountain.

Speaker 1 The mountain scene? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's why I was part of the Gandalf, right? The Gandalf was in it. The Gandalf the Grey was in it.
With Gandalf the Grey. And they were so close.

Speaker 1 Do you remember who was hanging on the rope coming down the mountain? Rosario Dawson. Rosario Dawson.
Yeah. Yeah, but it wasn't.
And then there was a fucking.

Speaker 1 Who's shooting the bow? Who was it? This guy.

Speaker 1 He was. Who was he shooting? God, you're too shit.
Who was shooting at fucking the spoiler alert, dude? Spoiler alert. Steven Seagal.
Steven Seagal was down there. Yeah, and then

Speaker 1 the little man came back. Who's that? The little guy from.

Speaker 1 Mini-Me. Yeah, no, the guy that died.
Vern Troy. Vern Troy came back.
Yeah, he came back. It goes to Vern Troy.
Just for this movie. Yeah, he was on your shoulder.

Speaker 1 No, you need to see this in the theater. You gotta watch this.
It was amazing, man. And people are gonna go see it.
I know people are gonna see it. Get out of the fucking house.
That's my thing.

Speaker 1 Let me think. Okay.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like hand jobs.

Speaker 1 Here it is. If you ignore them, then you never get them again.
But they're really good.

Speaker 1 What? Let's see if I can think about it.

Speaker 1 All right, keep it going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right? The thing is, there are certain things you just overlook. And then if you overlook them, then you never get them.
And then you're like, well, fuck, I kind of missed that a little bit.

Speaker 1 Right. Movie theaters.
but movie theater. Let's go back to the hand job.
Let's go back. Let's keep going around.
Let's keep going around the corner. Yeah, so if the movie was...

Speaker 1 Because I didn't hear from the other day. My dog was chasing a squirrel.
Okay. And you were.
And I was watching him chase a squirrel, and it's like his favorite thing to do.

Speaker 1 And did the squirrel give their dog a handjaw? No, no. The little thing.
And then he caught the squirrel. Okay.
And it was not what he thought it would be.

Speaker 1 And I said, my dog chasing the squirrel is like anal sex.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a good time. Yeah.
But then when it actually happens, it's way more messy. A lot of blood every time.
A lot of blood. And it's not what you think.

Speaker 1 Squirrel died. And then Mac looked at me like, I thought he would play more.
Oh, wow. And I was like, oh, buddy, you killed it.
Yeah. You ripped it.
You ripped it wide open.

Speaker 1 So movie theaters are like. Movie theaters are like 69ing.
You know, look. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's going to smell like shit a little bit. A little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And there's a lot of cleanup that you're not going to do. But you're both winning.
Yeah. You know what I mean? They get paid.
We have a good time. Yeah.
Go around the horn, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like. But let me ask you about 69.
Bobby, movie theaters are like. It's like a bowl of white rice.
Oh, of course. Right?

Speaker 1 If you don't eat it, right,

Speaker 1 someone else will.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Movie theater or something like that. Can I ask you about 69 real quick? Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you're on the bottom, definitely not listening.

Speaker 1 When you're on the bottom, right? Yeah. Do you grab their cheeks like this, or do you just no hands? What do you mean when you're on the bottom? He's not on the top with sympathy.

Speaker 1 You think I'm going to crush her? Jesus Christ, murder. You think Leanne's going to let me throat fuck her? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 267 pounds. Yeah, but you can't.

Speaker 1 Of course, you grab the butt. Oh, you do? What do you do? Your hands are just out wide?

Speaker 1 I always question it, so I kind of almost like try to do it, but I'm like, no, I

Speaker 1 give up. No, you have to rub the butt.
In fact, you can put a digit in there. You spread it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Rip it off. Movie theaters are like having sex with black people.
Okay. Okay, here we go.
When they're there, it's a little louder.

Speaker 1 What are movie theaters like, Bobby? You got to do it. Bobby, yeah, come on.
Movie theaters.

Speaker 1 I'm not good with these analogies. Yeah, Bobby, you just stop doing that and say the thing.
Start it, and it moves forward. You're just doing it.
You know what?

Speaker 1 You're going to get that information and you yes-sand it. That's right.

Speaker 1 You start it, and I'll finish it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like a katana sword. Jesus Christ, Bobby.
Right.

Speaker 1 Why would you be so aged? If you don't use it, the samurai will die. Perfect.
Nailed it. Is that right? Movie theaters are like dingleberries.
Right.

Speaker 1 Movie theater are like dingleberries, right? If you don't remove it, right, it's going to smell.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like grandparents. You forget how much you love them until they're not there.
What's wrong? Let's do a vampire one. Movie theaters are like vampires.
Right.

Speaker 1 If you don't watch it at night, you're not going to get bit.

Speaker 1 By the. Yeah, okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I like it. I like vampires.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like virgins. Right.
If you don't have sex with them, they'll never have sex.

Speaker 1 Right? That's what if you go to the movie theater and you don't go, then it never happened and they'll die. So yeah, the virgin will die.
Right. Their pussy will die.
Movie theaters are like.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like

Speaker 1 girlfriends from high school.

Speaker 1 Okay. You forget how much fun they are until you're inside them again.
There it is.

Speaker 1 Right. That's a good one.
That's the best one. I understand that.
You do one now.

Speaker 1 But let me give you giraffes. Go.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters are like giraffes. Yeah, here we go.

Speaker 1 They're terrified of lightning. They're a great place to be with lightning strikes.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 See? Wow. You did it for me.
You want to be an extra giraffe during a lightning storm? Because they get hit first. Well, they'll get smoked.
Yeah. Really? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I grew up in Florida. How long it is.
In Florida, we have a lot of lightning. We were not allowed to have giraffes at our zoos.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Wow.
No fucking way.

Speaker 1 No way. There's no way I'm going to be able to do that.
I get Theo Von. I get Theobon.
Yeah, you're Charltheovonis. Yeah, dude.
Fucking man. Hey, man.
I grew up with two giraffes. I bought two online.

Speaker 1 You can buy, if you buy one, you get one free now from Africa, man. Saves on shipping costs.
Go to giraffe.com.

Speaker 1 But bad friends, listeners now, listening, right? Please. If you support Bert, you're basically supporting our movie.

Speaker 1 That's the case. That's what we're trying to say.
Listen. That's true.
The way Hollywood works is

Speaker 1 you only get the things you like if you make people money. That's how it works.

Speaker 1 And as creatives, our sense of humor has not been appreciated totally. Like, I think the industry has kind of shied away from our sense of humor,

Speaker 1 which makes you laugh right now.

Speaker 1 The horrible jokes we've all just made on this podcast. Yeah.
That is

Speaker 1 not

Speaker 1 what's happening in Hollywood. Hollywood is a more awoke agenda, which I'm not being this political guy.
I'm just telling you that's where it is.

Speaker 1 They'd rather make a movie with everyone else and not us. And not us.
Maybe Bobby, maybe Bobby. Maybe me and you, Andrew, are the only ones.

Speaker 1 Bobby seems to get cast a lot these days as the indigenous guy. Anyway,

Speaker 1 you can't even make that joke in Hollywood. You can't make that joke in Hollywood.
They get no. We laugh at it, right?

Speaker 1 So if you support just comedies, go see Sebastian's. It's out this week.
Go see Sebastian's. See mine.
Just support comedy in movie theaters.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, Hollywood, all they care about is fucking money. Yeah, that's all they care.
That's all they care about. It's the truth.
I'm in business with a lot of them right now.

Speaker 1 But if you make them money, then they go, how do I make more money?

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you, the first thing they do, and we all have seen this a million times. We saw it with touring companies.
We saw it with promoters. They pilfer the podcasters.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And which is a good thing if you're a fan, is the first thing they do is they grab you two. two.
Buddy Comedy, what do you guys want to do?

Speaker 1 And it's sold tomorrow, and you guys get to make whatever the fuck you make.

Speaker 1 Tom and I are signed up for Fat Astronauts. It's great.

Speaker 1 Is he going to get fat again? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's got to get fat. I love it.
I love it more than anything.

Speaker 1 You know, without the strokes hitting it back in the New York scene, right? There would be no yeah, yeah, yeah, inner pole

Speaker 1 and these bands because

Speaker 1 look at grunge. Grunge music hit, Nirvana hits, and then they sign everyone.
Everyone. And then

Speaker 1 without Nirvana, no Sound Garden. Yeah.
No Pearl Jam. No Pearl Jam.
Right. And

Speaker 1 that's the way the industry works. Yeah.
So if you support this, we have another couple weeks, three weeks in movie theaters. I don't know how long we're in movie theaters.

Speaker 1 But I know we're, if you're listening to this on Monday, I know you were there this weekend. We're there Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Speaker 1 Go see this movie in movie theaters, and then let us fucking own movie theaters. Our sense of humor, the shit you like, let us own it.
Let us own it. Dude, I went hard.
You saw the movie. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I went hard.

Speaker 1 There were times,

Speaker 1 secret time,

Speaker 1 hardcore secret time, there was a time Mark Hamill was not cool with the scene. And he was like,

Speaker 1 it's not funny. I don't like it.
I don't want to be a part of it. It's the,

Speaker 1 yeah. Oh, yeah.
And I went, it's funny. And he was like,

Speaker 1 it's the scene that everybody talked about. It's the one.
It's the one. It's aggressive.

Speaker 1 There's a couple really aggressive ones. And I went, I said, just trust me.
Just trust me on this. And it's hard, man.
These studios, these actors,

Speaker 1 they're sensitive people. They're real people.
And they're like, I don't want to be associated with the way our brains fucking think.

Speaker 1 Because our brains think fucking sideways. Yeah.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 it's the best thing in the movie. It's so fucking bad.
It's the best thing in the world.

Speaker 1 When you cast Mark Hamill, were you... Because I'd be so nervous.
I'm such a huge fan of his.

Speaker 1 I'm a Star Wars guy.

Speaker 1 Were you intimidated at all? Were you. Oh, hardcore.
Yeah. Yeah.
yeah.

Speaker 1 Because you're trying to act cool.

Speaker 1 Because you want to be.

Speaker 1 No, my biggest concern was because we took a private jet to Serbia together.

Speaker 1 And my biggest concern was him watching me drink.

Speaker 1 So I put baby bottles of Jax in my pockets

Speaker 1 so I can sneak him in the room. That's not a problem.

Speaker 1 So I was like, I don't want him to see me drink like a fucking lunatic on a 17-hour flight to Serbia. And I go anywhere in a really tight capsule.
It's like, he's watching me.

Speaker 1 And so I put baby bottles of Jax in my pocket. I took edibles.
Does he have a little? Is he a little drinker? No, he's, man, he's sober. Sober as a judge.
I think, yeah, he eats pizza. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Adam and Eve. I'll tell you right now, because I'm a single guy, Andrew.
Yeah, you are. And I, you know, when I pleasure myself with my hand, sometimes it's not good enough.
Let me see your hand.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it doesn't look good enough. It doesn't look good enough.
No, man. But I got some stuff from Adam and Eve, and I've been using it at home.
Right. And it's been so good.

Speaker 1 Well, we talked about it on the last episode that I said my favorite thing is my ding-dong ring. I love it so much.
It's silicone and it

Speaker 1 rubs. And Adam and Eve sent me a whole bunch of them to say thank you.
And I want to say thank you because I want better sex. You know what? And your partner wants it too.
Why not have fun?

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Speaker 1 Bobby, what do you eat? Like, what's your average day of food look like? It's bad. Do you want this? I brought this for you.
It's really bad. Fucking Twinkies are banana.
Do you want Twinkies?

Speaker 1 I don't know if you want one, but I brought them for you. Here we go.
I want a fucking Twinkie more than I want a dick in my ass.

Speaker 1 I'll eat, like, I'll go to. Dude, Twinkies,

Speaker 1 I have a place in my heart. When I saw it, I thought of you.
I thought, I'm going to give him a little little gift. I brought you a bucket of vodka and I thought, I want to give him a little Twinkie.

Speaker 1 So, let me,

Speaker 1 I want to share something. I want to share something.
When I was in first grade, I had separation anxiety. I couldn't be away from my parents.
And

Speaker 1 I had to look at life. Oh, man, we might be fighting my trauma right now.
I had to look at life as

Speaker 1 secret victories, secret treats, right?

Speaker 1 Can I get through

Speaker 1 the first two periods and then get to snack and then I get a Twinkie?

Speaker 1 Can I get to lunch and then I get a Twinkie? And then if I can get through lunch, I can get through the rest of the day. I swear to God, we're figuring out my trauma.
This is it.

Speaker 1 You got a little snack if you made it through a certain amount of time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how my, you got snack, and then I had a Twinkie, and then I could sit back and just have a Twinkie. And then

Speaker 1 my parents always packed Twinkies. My dad always put Twinkies in my lunchbox.
And then I was like, cool, man.

Speaker 1 I get a little bit of reprise from this whole fucking chaos of missing your parents and not knowing anybody.

Speaker 1 I got a moment where I could like be myself and like open up my lunchbox and have a Twinkie. Take a bite and let me see how you feel.
And

Speaker 1 I'm going to get deeper right now. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 And if I felt strong,

Speaker 1 if I got through the day,

Speaker 1 I'd save my Twinkie to give it to my dad. When he picked me up, I'd go like,

Speaker 1 I'd go, hey, I didn't eat my Twinkie. Like, like, I got through it.
And my dad would be like, oh, thanks, buddy. And then we'd share my Twinkie in the car, ride home.

Speaker 1 I don't normally treat myself to treats like this. I'm trying to be a little healthier.
But I'm really looking forward to this banana with vanilla cream in it. This one's for your dad.

Speaker 1 We had a moment last night. Your dad was there? My dad cried.
Dude, it was beautiful. His parents cried.
Leah Thompson came up to me and said, that movie is fantastic. My dad was sobbing, crying.

Speaker 1 And he goes, buddy, I underestimate what you do. It was a great moment.
And this is, this Twinkie is for my dad.

Speaker 1 Nothing like shoving something phallic in your mouth and say, this one's for my dad, isn't it? Isn't that nice?

Speaker 1 My mom had a moment when she went on stage. That was incredible.
So my mom, you know, was in Phoenix, Bert.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Let him sit in it.
This one's for Papa. It's so good.

Speaker 1 It always delivers. It's the best.
It's the best. The fact that they teased us, they were going to take it away.
Remember that when they were like, Mike, go away?

Speaker 1 And they were like, just fucking with you. We're going to keep it.
Like the Mexican pizzas. Yeah.
They were fucking with us.

Speaker 1 They were just fucking with us. That was fucking good that is

Speaker 1 that delivers every time every time tweakies don't every time that it's like a pop-chart oh they deliver a dorito they deliver every time very seldomly hey man shout out to these corporations that make foods that give us cancer because they deliver every time every time every time very seldomly do you jump into a bag of lays or a bag of combos and go

Speaker 1 oh these are off no right they're always on they're on they're always on And you know what's good about these foods? You're never going to have a bonding moment over broccoli.

Speaker 1 It's never going to happen. Never.
You need a little bit of cancer to go, Dad, this is for you and me.

Speaker 1 And those chemicals in it that make you, that's bad, that makes it bad. I'm eating the other one, man.
Thank you for those chemicals because

Speaker 1 it makes it taste better. It tastes much better.
Damn it. So, you know, the cancer is.
I've never been there.

Speaker 1 I don't know when this was made or shelved or put in a fucking bag. Yeah.
And it's so goddamn moist. The Lord came inside this thing and is so fucking good.
It's so fucking good.

Speaker 1 A little bit of Jesus chizz inside of there, baby. Dude, beer doesn't do what these guys do.

Speaker 1 Beer, you ever get a beer and you're like, what? This tastes off. Wine, it can be corked.
Oh, yeah. I have bad wine all the time.
But a Twinkie does not miss.

Speaker 1 It never misses. It never misses.

Speaker 1 It's never miss. It's like unprotected sex.
It's always good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Twinkie? Twinkie's like what?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You just said Twinkies like not protecting sex. It's always good.
Twinkies are like what? Oh, Twinkies are like shooting heroin. Movie theaters.

Speaker 1 Movie theaters, I mean. Twinkies are like movie theaters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were gonna go away.
Yeah, I'm not good at these, man. Twinkies are like movie theaters.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You forgot how good they were. Like, I've never saw the riddle.
I don't know what riddles mean. I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to do puns. Just try.
Anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't even know what. So, what? Tell me again.

Speaker 1 Twinkie. A Twinkie is like

Speaker 1 a cushion guy. Yeah.
What? Yeah, Twinkies are the gay guy that grew up in America. They're yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
There it is. Fuck yeah.
There it is. That's perfect.

Speaker 1 With a dinger. That's a

Speaker 1 dinger.

Speaker 1 Fucking Big Bird comes in with a dinger. What's a dinger me? Is that good? Yeah, dude.
You hit a home run. Hit a home run.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jacket rattles.
That's what Twinkies are like.

Speaker 1 You know, Bobby? Yeah. Oh, fuck.
I think a lot of people sleep on exactly how funny you fucking are.

Speaker 1 I think they go, like, guys like me and you, we get written off as these guys that are just crazy on podcasts. We say wild shit and whatever.
Whatever it is. You're fucking funny, dude.

Speaker 1 So funny, dude. I forgot how funny.
Sometimes people forget how fucking funny you are. You're like a twinkle.
And what's forgotten? No, a lot of people forgot. I forgot.

Speaker 1 You forgot how I've forgotten until right now.

Speaker 1 Do we have more Twinkies? Yeah, yeah. All I do is show up.
I do the best I can. I go home.
That's not true. What do you mean? You're kind of phoning in a lot.

Speaker 1 More than nothing. More than not.
Motherfucker, finally. Jesus Christ.
Two? You brought him two? There needs to be way more than two.

Speaker 1 Give one to Andrew. Hi, Mateo.

Speaker 1 Mateo's here. He's like, oh, shut the fuck up.
Hi, Mateo. Mateo's so funny.

Speaker 1 Mateo's the fucking. There you go.
Float him up, guys. Mateo, do you want a beer? No, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 It's like three o'clock in the afternoon. Absolutely not.
Mateo, come sit here and have a beer with me. Should I go sit over there and have a look at him? Come sit over there and have a beer with me.

Speaker 1 His movie just fucking premiered. My movie just premiered, Mateo.
What?

Speaker 1 Look at how jacked he is, by the way.

Speaker 1 And this is no TV. I'm just as jacked.
You're just as jacked as him? I'm not as ripped as him, but I'm just as jacked.

Speaker 1 You're strong. You're always at the gym, and you're always like, I don't understand.
Like, you're like, like, lifting trucks.

Speaker 1 Can I show you? I don't know where my phone is. Paris, I just, she was a DJ the other night at a party was that? DJ.
Hot as fuck. Hardcore, I fucked me.
Hardcore, I fucked me.

Speaker 1 And I put that on the fucking record. She got a baby right now, right? Did she have a baby?

Speaker 1 Paris? No.

Speaker 1 I thought she had a baby. Paris Hilton did have a baby.
When? So you fuckers. You're questioning my social fucking knowledge? I know what's going on.
Did she have the baby or did it stern hell?

Speaker 1 She looked pretty good. I don't think she, and she hardcore I fucked me just for clear.
Like, what are we talking? How long? Was it like this? Like, let's do it right now. Look, okay, ready?

Speaker 1 Ready? I'm going to walk out with my posse, right? Right? You're me. Ready?

Speaker 1 That looks more confused.

Speaker 1 Well, I was shirtless. I was shirtless.
Okay. So it might have been

Speaker 1 confused.

Speaker 1 It just isn't I fucking.

Speaker 1 This is I fucking. I'm Paris and you're you.
Ready? You're staring at Paris and I walk in.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fine. Oh, I didn't get that.
I didn't get that.

Speaker 1 If I got, hey, what's that fat guy doing on the dance floor with you? Let me try. I fucking let me try that.
Yeah, let's, Bobby. So I'm at a club.
Wait, open him up. Open him up.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So you're Paris.

Speaker 1 You're Paris. I'm at a club.
All right. And I do this one.
Everybody dance now.

Speaker 1 That was really good.

Speaker 1 That's good, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Attention, $20.

Speaker 1 There's a lost train ball.

Speaker 1 Are you lying? That's good. You thought it was good? No.
I fuck me. I fuck me.
I fuck you.

Speaker 1 I fuck you. I fuck you.

Speaker 1 I fuck you. You fuck me.
I fuck you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I fuck you. You would fuck me? You want me to fuck you? No, do you?

Speaker 1 I fuck. I fuck you.

Speaker 1 I'm going to i fuck Bobby. Who's up first? Look at me in the eyes, and I'm going to catch eyes with Bobby.
I'm going to i fuck Bobby, okay? Okay.

Speaker 1 Why are you laughing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I just

Speaker 1 too real. Yeah.
You really want it to be real and breakdown? Do it, Mateo. I fuck Bobby.
Yeah, yeah. Bobby, Bobby's at the corner.
Oh, oh, oh, do me too. Wait, don't

Speaker 1 take.

Speaker 1 Your turn is coming.

Speaker 1 I'm taking the I let's fuck look. So look, he's obsessed with you.
You're a famous celebrity. He's staring at you.
You walk in and you see him and then you I fuck him. I'm at a bar.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm at a bar. I don't know what I'm doing.
You're not at a bar. Oh, I want to be drinking.
Well, okay, be drinking. You're not a drink.
Drink, drink, drink. Break your sobriety.
Yeah, break my.

Speaker 1 I'm relapsing.

Speaker 1 I'm Karis Hilton. Yeah.
Okay, I'm relapsing. I'm relapsing.
I'm fucking sexy as fuck for the record. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Cooling. A little bit, a little bit.

Speaker 1 My God.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's hard not to look at it.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to.

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm dancing. I'm dancing.
I'm dancing.

Speaker 1 Everybody dance. Now,

Speaker 1 what do you see?

Speaker 1 Wait, is that how you do it? That's how you do it? You're disgusted.

Speaker 1 What do you see? Well, that was honest.

Speaker 1 No, I think that was that was me acting.

Speaker 1 Wait, so that's how you do it? No, I don't know. I haven't been out to a club in forever.
Real? Usually it's just like on Instagram. All right.
For real?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That must be fun as fucking shit.

Speaker 1 I saw something on the net there. Have you heard of foreign accent syndrome? No.
Where the lady got the stroke and talked like an Asian person? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 Is that real? I had it one time. I had my what? Oh, shit.
No, no, it's not real. No, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a thing, I guess. So they're not.
Are they faking it? Is it

Speaker 1 real?

Speaker 1 It might be. I just think it's like a way for someone to be racist.

Speaker 1 Really? 24 hours a day? Do white ladies like, what? White people are always like, what else can we do to just be racist? Although it is extremely rare, it is a real medical condition.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, there's 7 billion people on Earth. I'm sure at least one person is.
Well, then that's the one. That lady's the one, you know? She's an idiot.

Speaker 1 I kind of want to hit my head so I can talk about you. Yeah, but it's never like a European sound like an American.
It's always some weird either.

Speaker 1 It's always Asian.

Speaker 1 Hold on. There's Americans that sound like British people.
I know that.

Speaker 1 That one makes a lot more sense than that. But the white woman that sounds like an Asian woman, what is that? You know what that is? Maybe that's fucking history, baby.

Speaker 1 The center of civilization maybe is Asia, and that's she regressed back to the beginning. Oh, my God.
That's what it is. And then he shows us he's a genius.
See that? Do you see that?

Speaker 1 It's the cradle of civilization. You have a stroke, and you turn back to Mesopotamia.

Speaker 1 That's what our movie's about. Yes.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 But have you guys ever heard the theory that a lot of people think that Native people in America were descendants from Asia and they crossed the Bering Straits?

Speaker 1 And that's way of native. But they think that it could have happened the other way around.

Speaker 1 That the beginning of civilization probably happened in America with native and they came across and then they got all Ching Changyi. No, I think

Speaker 1 everything started in Africa. Oh, okay.
But also, my mom. You're offending his people.
You're offending my people, but go ahead.

Speaker 1 But actually, that's what's interesting is like, so my mom just did her 23andMe. My mom is Italian and Mexican.

Speaker 1 So if you're Mexican, like indigenous to Mexico, it says my mom's 2% Korean because it goes all the way back. So it says East Asian, part Korean, and then it says Native American.

Speaker 1 So I don't know whether that's like... Aztec, Maya.
I don't know what that means. One is Spanish, Portuguese.
We all have something about us. Well, not everyone.
Andrew and I are perfect.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're exactly. What do you mean? You don't think we're just like, we're just white.
Just no, did you do a 23 with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what did it say? Nothing? It said 100%.

Speaker 1 White. Aryan white.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I did the allergy test.

Speaker 1 Mine said that I don't like cilantro and I don't. It tastes like soap.
Wait, it said you don't like it. Wait, it's it.
Oh, it's true.

Speaker 1 Here one says you didn't like it. I know what I don't like.
I don't need to take it.

Speaker 1 It's a genetic thing.

Speaker 1 It also just had an X through a vagina. No, but

Speaker 1 you know, I get it fucked in the ass.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wow, this is not that.

Speaker 1 This app really knows me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, fucking bitch. Does cilantro taste like soap to you? So you can't eat guacamole with cilantro in it.
If I could taste it, it's like I'm eating pine salt.

Speaker 1 I hate cilantro. Wait, oh, yeah.
Yes, you probably have it. Let's run through the list.
Run through the list. Garlic, I can't have enough of it.
Love garlic. I love garlic.
Love garlic.

Speaker 1 But by the way, a lot of Italians, it's a misconception. They do not cook with that much garlic.
It's really not that common in dishes in Italy.

Speaker 1 put so much garlic and stuff. You know, when they sell the bag of garlic

Speaker 1 and all the nine different pods, I put it all in. That's the way to do it.
Yeah. I won't.
I like it in the morning. I love garlic.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you eat carbs? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 I just had pasta for lunch. For real? Yeah.
Yeah, but he just two.

Speaker 1 Me and Chelsea Hanlon went to Little Dom's.

Speaker 1 You hung out with Chelsea Hamlet? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did her podcast.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable. I love her.

Speaker 1 She's the best.

Speaker 1 There's a couple of bad bitches in this business where you're like, we're like, you watch them get flack, but you love them and you respect them. Sarah and Chelsea.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sarah and Chelsea, for me, are like just bad bitches where you're like, you understand,

Speaker 1 it's weird because there are bad bitches in this business that maybe I'm pretty drunk. I should stop talking.
No, you're not saying anything wrong. Chuck it.

Speaker 1 There's a couple ones that you go, you watch them get flack and you're like, ah, fuck them, right? There's a couple, but not them. Isn't that weird? Yeah, well, like, I like, I like when Chelsea.

Speaker 1 I think she's authentic. I don't get the sense that she's putting anything on, so you have to respect someone for being authentic.
Who they are, yeah.

Speaker 1 But she's always been that, she hasn't changed that much, Chelsea.

Speaker 1 She's always treated me the same like shit. But anyway,

Speaker 1 she's always been kind of like, you know what I mean, very direct with me, you know, and I respect that, you know. And you're saying Sarah Silverman, too? Dude, she's amazing.
Sarah Silverman.

Speaker 1 I love Sarah Silverman. She's the motherfucker.
Motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Like, I fucking, I'm a ride or die for her.

Speaker 1 She's been cool when she didn't have to be cool. She was always nice.

Speaker 1 And I don't know Chelsea. We have texted with Chelsea or whatever.

Speaker 1 And she's always very sweet. But I think that was mostly through Joe.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But Sarah is the motherfucker. Like, she is funny as fucking shit, top to bottom.
Jesus' magic is one of the best specials out there.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 And she's, this is, I don't like doing this because it

Speaker 1 kind of pulls away from how great they are as comics.

Speaker 1 Gorgeous, gorgeous. Beautiful.
Parties, fun.

Speaker 1 Like, those are the things that you go, that shouldn't be part of the conversation. But man, she's gorgeous.
Number one, number one.

Speaker 1 Simmerman had that, when she used to have those parties at her old condo on the rooftop. Did you ever go to one of those? She used to have a party.
She would have a party.

Speaker 1 She had a couple parties on her rooftop condo, and there were huge plate glass windows. And I showed up.

Speaker 1 I was late. I was doing a spot at the store.
And I don't, I know her, but not like that well, but like we're cool. And I showed up late and I was texting to see who was there.

Speaker 1 So I wasn't uncomfortably walking around a party when you're like, who am I going to run in? You know, who's here?

Speaker 1 And someone runs up to me, another comic, and he goes, he goes, dude, where have you been? I was like, I mean, I was doing a spot. I thought like the party just kicked off.

Speaker 1 He's like, dude, somebody already fell in the pool and a dude ran through a plate glass window. It's fucking awesome.
And I was like, really? And he's like, dude, they're always like this.

Speaker 1 Something's always going on at her fucking rooftop party. Sounds like an 80s movie.
It was fun as shit, dude. It was fucking great.
She rented out the whole roof. You can't buy me love.

Speaker 1 The whole roof was her.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you who I'm like, if we're going to get deep in the weeds on this, we're already in the weeds. We're deep down.
Fucking Janine Garofilo.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. That's so funny.
He said, I've been on a Janine Garofilo kick this past week. Bro, for WTF and everything.
I fucking love Janine Garoffalo. I love her.
That is.

Speaker 1 So when I started comedy,

Speaker 1 I watched Chris Rock's Bring the Pain.

Speaker 1 One of the best specials of all time. And I was like, I want to get into comedy, right? But that's all I'd really seen.
I wasn't like a comedy nerd.

Speaker 1 I didn't like, I watched Comedy Central, but it all kind of sucked, in my opinion, at the time.

Speaker 1 This is the 90s. So Keith Robinson, if you're watching.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's a great artist.

Speaker 1 I love Keith. I love Keith.
Keith is actually who I'm dating, I should be honest. And so

Speaker 1 I go, I'm getting ready. I've already bought my ticket to move to New York.
I'm moving to New York. I reached out to a dude named David Wayne.
He's a director. I'd met him in Greece.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 he gave me his phone number in Greece, and I reach out to him. I'm moving to New York.
And I sit down and I watch HBO. And it's Janine Garoffilo doing her HBO.
And she's got her notebook out.

Speaker 1 And she's doing like weird non-sequiturs of like, of like...

Speaker 1 The one joke I remember that just kind of changed the way I thought about comedy in that moment was the other day I was in my pickup truck outside my apartment

Speaker 1 making out with my boyfriend.

Speaker 1 and i thought i'm fucking 30 what the fuck am i doing and it just to me i was like oh so they don't need to be set up punch it can be an idea or a thought and i sat there and i was like oh that's badass and i fucking i like i like chunky janine a little more

Speaker 1 you know yeah like she's beautiful now she's really skinny she looks great secret time yeah secret time

Speaker 1 so uh coolest moment i have in this business i do like a ciso special or something congratulations Thank you.

Speaker 1 I was really hoping it would blow my career up.

Speaker 1 I think Ciso was also hoping that it would blow anyone's career up. Yeah.
It's me, Janine Graflo, John Dore.

Speaker 1 Love John Dore. John Dore.

Speaker 1 That's all I remember. And a lot of other people.

Speaker 1 Janine goes on and does 25 minutes.

Speaker 1 of Stream of Conscious, all brand new material, nothing that she's ever written. And it is fucking gold.
She's talking about FDR, Like fucking shit, where you're like, huh?

Speaker 1 Like, you're in the back watching someone think. Watching someone think.
Looking at your notes, like, well, no one's going to want to hear my selling sunset bit after we're talking about FDR.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 But we are, by the way. Oh,

Speaker 1 of course.

Speaker 1 And I go on after her.

Speaker 1 I bomb, I bomb, eye bomb really bad. I get off.
The CISO room has like a room where it's all CISO executives. Sounds crazy to say out loud now.
CISO executives. CISO executives.

Speaker 1 I go back to where the make hair and makeup was, and it's Janine. And she's sitting like crisscross applesauce in the corner.
And I go, hey, what are you doing? I don't know her at all.

Speaker 1 She goes, I bombed. Like, just, she's just a comic.
She's not Janine Graffolo, the movie star. She's not Janine Graffolo, the fucking personality.
The fucking... She goes, I bombed.

Speaker 1 I said, we all bombed. She goes, I'm embarrassed.
I said, huh? And mind you, this is before any success I've ever had in this business. And I go, you're embarrassed.
And she goes, yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm embarrassed. I made a fool of myself.
And I went, you're Janine Grofflo. She was like, yeah, I know.
I don't want to go into the green room. I go, Janine,

Speaker 1 as a comic, I watch what you did. You're a genius.
You're brilliant. Everything you do is amazing.
I'm telling you, you walk into that room and it makes that green room into a special place. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Please walk in with me. Like it would be an honor.
And she was like, was it bad? And I went, I go, Janine, you didn't see my set.

Speaker 1 We walked into that CISO fucking green room, and the room lit up. Janine Garofno, holy fuck, dude,

Speaker 1 she's the motherfucker. I'm pretty drunk.
I should leave. No.
You're good, baby. You're good.
I can say that. Well, let me say this.
Let's tie this bow up. Tie this bow up.
I'm going to say this.

Speaker 1 You haven't seen my movie? No, I haven't seen it. It wasn't there.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We only.
We just did it. We just did it.
But it does only aired. Like it's Star Wars.
It's been out since 1970.

Speaker 1 That's so interesting.

Speaker 1 My movie premiered on the same night Star Wars did 45 years ago. That's right.
And my dad in the movie is played by George Lucas. Mark Hamill.
Mark Hamill.

Speaker 1 I love Mark Hamill. For all of our friends at home, all of our bad friends, if you really want to be a bad friend, please do us a favor.
Go see the machine now.

Speaker 1 It would mean a lot to us and to the community. Bert, I'm looking to help us out.

Speaker 1 I love you, guys. I love you, David.
It's so good to see you.

Speaker 1 I love everyone in this room. It's so good to be a part of a community where we're all friends and we support each other and we just want to see each other blow up.
So thank you.

Speaker 1 go buy a ticket go buy a ticket and burt uh say thank you for being a bad friend into that camera thank you for being a bad friend thank you for being

Speaker 1 you did put a hole in that

Speaker 1 you