Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

Spaghetti-o!

You ready to go?

You ready to go?

The machine to come!

You're in the blue one.

In the blue one.

Take a seat.

You're getting matching?

Wow.

Dude, where do you even get something? Wow, dude. I'm a movie star now, Bobby.
Wow. You know what? Get the guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the machine. It's fancy.
I'm allowing myself to have the best day of my life. You're having the best day of your life because you deserve it, baby boy.
And you know what? Buddy, buddy,'t get emotional don't cry up front he's crying already oh you prince it has been amazing you deserve the best day of my life the best day of my life you want to put your cans on or no wow don't well you know what bert in celebration of your movie bobby and i wanted to we figured you needed a drink i know you brought bud light please tell me you want a drink yes I do yes I do we figured you needed something to drink yeah we're doing an anal jug cuz I'm in colonoscopy there we go some ice ice for you there yeah and what do you want what do you want with it yeah just a little bit? Just a little bit of vodka? A little bit of vodka. Oh, what is this?

Yeah, yeah.

Is that good vodka?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It doesn't matter.

We have to let this out.

I'm going to take 7-Eleven forever, yeah.

I'm pretty sure it's good.

Yeah, I do.

Now, what do you want with it, though?

I've got ginger beer.

I have a little bit of starry.

You want lemon-lime soda?

Lemon-lime soda would be awesome.

Yeah, that's cool.

Do you want ginger beer at all or no?

No, no, no.

Just lemon-lime soda?

Just a little soda.

Just a little soda.

I don't know. I have a little bit of starry.
You want lemon lime soda? Lemon lime soda would be awesome. Yeah, that's cool.
Do you want ginger beer at all or no? No, no, no. Just a little soda.
Just a little bit. How about Korean pee? Just a little bit.
Yeah, a little Korean pee. A little Korean pee.
Yeah. In Korea, that's how we do it.
I got to tell you, Bert, while this is making for you, we had the best time last night. It's genuine.
I'm genuine when I said this. I hugged you tight.
It's such a great, funny movie. It's so good for comedy.
We're so proud of you. We're so happy for the machine, baby.
Thank you. Thank you.
We're happy for the machine. Thank you.
It was so good seeing all my friends. Bobby, where were you? I was there.
You were there? Where were you, bud? It was so good. It was so good.
When I was in the theater, I was going, I go, this movie is a franchise. Yeah, how did you feel about it? I felt like moved.
I was crying, and then I got exhilarated. Where were you sitting? Where were your seats? In the box seats.
In the box seats. With your grandparents, dude.
That was fucking so good. That was sick.
And the after party, the dancing. Where was the after party at? The W Hotel, dude.
Of course. Was I not there? You were there.
I wasn't there. I there I thought it was Roy Choi I wasn't there I came up and I gave Roy Choi a hug and said Bobby I went ask him I went I couldn't find parking he couldn't that's a lie I swear to God no Bobby is the king of this no no no but you know what Bert I'll be honest I'll be genuine he texted me and goes I'm on my way and I said dude do you want me to pick you up and he goes i'm taking a nap it was it was four o'clock i go okay okay that's what i said okay i love you and then i hung up and then he texted me we sat in the seats and then he goes i'm here and i said great where and he goes looking for parking i pin dropped him the three parking garages on gaily on this guy goes i can't find it i'm going home for real yeah but can i say this though what and i'm gonna and this is gonna make you feel so good okay please um when i was at the comedy store that night and i felt guilty please he comes in privately yeah andrew and he looks at me privately goes can i be honest with you i go you? I go, yeah, he goes, that movie was so fucking good.
It's good for comedy. Dude, it was so good.
And he did it secretly without people listening. So I was like, you know what? Because he never gives compliments.
What the fuck are you talking? Yes, I do. Don't do that.
Do what? I give compliments. But you save them.
You don't throw them out like jelly beans. Then it makes it worth it.
Then they really matter. I don't know why jelly beans, but what I'm saying is, you know how people give away jelly beans for free? Ronald Reagan.
Yeah, Ronald Reagan did it, right? So my point is that he said it privately, and he goes, this is good for comedy. This is good for everybody.
And I thought to myself, wow, it must be really good, and this is going to blow up, and you're going to be at a different level. Congratulations.
Thank you. It's beautiful.
Thank you, buddy. You're welcome.
I appreciate this cocktail. I started drinking the second I woke up this morning.
God bless, dude. You deserve it.
You deserve it. You know what, man? I had a night last night, and my wife has a saying, earn your Mondays, can i can i say it how she says it earn your mondays is she occasion now she's got a raise uh yeah i'm fucking pretty hammered earn your monday earn your monday earn your monday and i amy schumer shared her monday she earned her monday that fucking that movie was good i don't care what you say train wreck was a good movie and she earned her money and I went and and and and it's true it's like you do all the hard work to get through the weekend as comics we know what that feels like and then on Monday when you get on the airplane you get a little break right yeah and I love that feeling and I I woke up this morning and I it's not Monday yet we haven't gotten numbers in.
Who knows? I mean, when this airs, it will be.

But I was like, fuck it.

I don't give a fuck.

I earned my Monday.

You did.

I earned my Monday, dude.

You did.

I busted my ass.

I almost lost my arm for it.

And Andrew, Bobby, I wish you could have been there.

Andrew, your compliment to me yesterday

was so heartfelt.

The fucking beautiful thing

about this goddamn comedy community

is I got compliments from dudes I really respect. Like, you know how we are? Like, we really respect.
Yeah. And I had one of the best nights of my entire life.
I had maybe the best night of my entire life. The red carpet was next level.
So much fun. It was.
Dude, I threw axes. We did putt-putt.
We did flip cup. I feel like I'm fucking a cock.
So hard to get this in my throat. Come on, baby.
Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck.
Suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck.
How's it taste? It's not the best. What does it need? It's not the best.
It's not the best. What does it need? Salt.
Don't you put salt in margaritas? Maybe a ginger beer or something? No, a little less asbestos I'm going to sit in here I'm going to sip on Bud Light as I sip on this There's MSG in it By the way, this chair is deflating Is anyone noticing this? I'm going to be sitting on the floor It's getting shorter and shorter What did you do to our chair, dude? You fucked up our chair, dude Those are brand new chairs We just bought them Look at how small this chair is it's falling apart i'm gonna be saying crisscross applesauce

dude you're earning your monday right now i'm earning my fucking monday yeah go in the pink

one then oh yeah let's see if you break that that's what it is it's not that i'm fucking fat

as fuck and you couldn't afford a budget to get goddamn chairs from ashley's furniture

that's from her sister that's joanne scoot over to the pink one we'll get you on the pink one

Thank you. budget to get goddamn chairs from Ashley's furniture.
That's from her sister. That's Joanne.
Scoot over to the pink one. We'll get you on the pink one.
No, you know what? Stay. I can't get out.
Let him stay. This is fun.
Yeah, let it happen. Are you comfortable like that? Not bad.
All right, good. Not bad.
Can I say something about your wife? Yes. I've never met somebody so mindful and generous.
Aileen, is that her name eileen eileen eileen yeah eileen it's leanne okay dude it's eileen leanne i met you're combining isla and leanne together okay you're taking all of my bits and turning them into one you know the time you uh the russian mafia farted on your shin during oral sex yeah Yeah. It's all my bits.
She sends me, over the years, knives. Buddy, she loves you.
She loves you. She sent me gifts.
She's always calling me. She texted me today as we're driving here, and she goes, if Bobby wants to do any fully loaded dates, the offer's still open.
I want to do them. Well, then come do them.
You don't, you lying f look i know you guys listen to this podcast andrew are you doing fully loaded 100 i am you know how that works i send you an offer and then you said i said yep and then you know bobby works well i never got that offer i never got that offer i never got that offer call him out oh finally call me out bobby you are the fucking i'm the best you're my favorite you're my favorite I'm gonna say something I'm your favorite neighborhood gook hey slow down slow down do it slow do it slow now go I'm your favorite friendly neighborhood gook there it is can we say that or no yeah you can you can definitely say it alright cause I. All right, because I want to say this, okay? Here's what happens.

Oh, I know what happens.

You don't have to tell me.

No, because I have to tell.

I feel like I do have to tell you.

Okay, go ahead.

I want to hear your version.

There's no version.

There's the truth and not the truth.

Okay, I want to hear what your middle ground is.

We're not doing this fucking QAnon bullshit.

What?

You know how things get rumored and there's conspiracy theories.

This is not Q. Oh, fucking Captain Reddit over here.
Yeah, what's going on okay all right what I said go ahead and do it here's what happens okay I want to hear is that I get a call from my the Jews is Edinburgh Jewish yeah yeah he might my Agents to my agents. He's and they go you got this offer but you know i mean this and this and they they somehow talk me out of it yeah i know right and i'm like and i and i i should stick up for myself when you say they talk you out of it do you mean they they asked you want to do this and you said i don't know number one you had that yacht party i wanted to do the yacht party it's called a cruise yeah a cruise.
Yeah, it's a cruise. And it sold out in 24 hours.
I know. I wanted to do it because I'd be fine.
By the way, we were off in you. I don't really give a fuck anymore.
I don't give a fuck. Bobby was my first go-to.
He was my first go-to for that. What'd you do? And immediately he said no.
Now listen, I'll tell you how someone says no. Tim Dillon.
Shout out to Tim Dillon. Yeah.
He said yes. We signed it on.
And then he goes, I can't do it. But he called me and said, hey, man, I'm not going to be able to do it.
And you were like, okay, I got it. That's nice.
Yeah. Bobby says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How come I'm not included? How come I want to go to barbecues at your house? And then all of a sudden you send the offer and then it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then less reliable than Tim Dillon whoa Tim well you know I'll tell you Andrew Schultz I sent Andrew Schultz an offer I sent Andrew Schultz an offer you know what he said he texted me immediately. I'm going to have to respectfully decline.

I'm not available for those.

I'm sure you'll move your whatever.

Yeah.

What does Bobby do?

He goes, I want to do it.

I want to do it.

I still do.

That's crazy, Bob.

That's a thing that you don't fucking fully understand, my little friend. My daughters want you on it.

My wife wants you.

Everyone loves you, Bobby.

Everybody wanted you on it.

You're not loving yourself is what this is.

That's not what it is.

Yeah.

What it is is this okay.

This and that. Put your arms inside.

Why? Don't be so big.

You're trying to threaten. Don't threaten.

Go through our steps.

I'm now sitting on the ground.

Just to be very clear.

I'm taking my flip flops off

because I'm going crisscross applesauce

in a second. I'm going to be genuine

when I say this. We are going to bill you for that chair.
That's a brand new chair. I'll give you 13 bucks.
Fine, fine. We're still signing the bill.
Step up your fucking... Bobby, go ahead.
For the yacht though, the yacht is that they're like... It's a cruise, Bobby.
We're not on a fucking yacht. Let him keep saying yacht because it's never going to leave his brain.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know what cruise means.
He doesn't know. Fully loaded cruise.
The only thing that... Tom Cruise, I know that and you know cruising for dick at night in west holland oh yeah i do that that's fun yeah bush cruising and they're both not good no yeah tom or that no tom's great he's great and i love him this is so sad just look at me for a second this is so sad i think you should switch the chairs nope okay i'm owning it owning it.
It's so fucking funny. People were like, well, you're recovering.
Did you put a fucking hole in this on purpose to make it look like I'm some fat fuck, you cunts? No. Who would dare do something like that? Wait, what? Yeah, it's hard to understand.
All right, go ahead, Bobby. They're like, you just got sober.
Do you want to be on a yacht cruise for 30 days or whatever? 30 days. It's not 30.
We're not going to South America. It's just the fucking islands out of Miami.
It's three days. Three days.
Three days. That's all it is? It's not 30 fucking days.
Three days. Oh, man.
Well, sounds like you need to make a call to your agent live on the show and say yes. Anyway, anyway, really good movie.
You haven't even fucking seen it. Because he tells me, can I say another thing? Please.
Whoa, whoa. Don't he tell me.
I didn't do anything. I showed up.
I was there early. I took photos.
I depressed. Gave me a hug.
Give him a big hug and a kiss in my ear told me for real legit gave me my flowers and was like dude you killed it this was awesome yeah i had i had i'm in legit i was so happy with who showed up i would love for you to have been there but like the people that showed up boys bustin with the boys right when the boys came in they flew from nash. They don't even live here.
Yeah, Leanne flew them out and gave them a 24-hour notice. Sent them a text.
Said, yo, a ticket's for you at Nashville Airport. They both flew out.
Had a great, Christy Mack came out. Adriana Chechik came out.
Tommy, dude, can I tell you the move of the year? Give me the move. Tom doesn't reply.
Hey, man, are you going to make it to the premiere? Please tell me I'm going to make it to the premiere. No reply.
I then call him, and he's like, hey, man, I can't fucking make it. And I go, actually, I'm actually bothered by it.
Like, I'm bothered. I go, you're my best friend.
We have a podcast together. And we have a movie set up over at Legendary.

Fat astronauts, you guys need to make it.

That's a great one.

No one replies.

No one replies.

Tom hits me up.

I'll read the Tom ones.

Your glasses are on that chair.

I saw him hunting for it.

You see he did the thing that my dad does where he puts it right here and he touches the ghost glasses.

Yeah.

He thinks they were there.

He said, I have a publicist texting me this morning.

I have a signing for my book, which is going into paperback.

I'm sorry I didn't open it. I did.
I lied. I said, sorry, I didn't open it.
No worries. I'm sorry about it.
No worries. And he goes, I can't get out of it.
I'm coordinating with my publisher and it's Barnes & Noble so it's kind of a big deal. It's coming out in paper deck.
Aren't they closing down? Yeah. Didn't they close down? I'm the fool in this story because I'm listening to Barnes & Noble he's like plus I have a VHS signing at Blockbuster and fries and I think I got a good fries electronics and I think straight guys can get AIDS and he's like all the things that we thought back then yeah and so he goes and I said I got you no worries and he goes hey man congrats on your big day I'm so sorry I couldn make it.
Very excited to see you in this movie and in movie theaters. Have a great weekend.
I love you. Have fun.
And I just wrote, thanks, Tommy. I wish you could be here.
I understand. I love you.
And then this shows up. He showed up.
I know that because you told me he showed up. I did.
It was beautiful. And I cried.
He cried real hard. Oh, so it was all a ruse.
Yeah, that's what they call it. The kids call it a ruse.
Yeah. It was all a deception.
Yep. Shadowplay.
Shadowplay. Shadowplay, yeah.
And it got me good. I fell apart hard.
I cried. I cried.
Oh, so he was going to come all along. Yeah, apparently.
And I told him, I said, I don't know why you did that. You could have just said you were coming and then I just had a great day also.
But Leanne didn't know either. And I told Rogan, Tom's cheating on Christina.
I was like, something's going on, man. Like, he was acting so fucking weird.
Yeah. Because it's just off.
It's out of character, out of integrity from him. Yeah.
And so I was talking to Rogan the other night, and he's like, how's everything going? You know how Rogan sometimes can get that inside vibe from you? I go, something's going on with Tommy. He goes, wait, what's going on? I said, I don't know, man.
I can't track it, but he's not coming to my premiere. And Rogan's like, whoa.
He's not coming to your premiere? And I was like, dude. And then you know how sometimes you sell your buddies under the bus? I was like, he was in Europe for 40 days.
My mom had like 10 shows. Like what's going on? And he's like, wait, what do you think is going on? I go, I think he's cheating on Christina.
He's got a wife over there now. He's got that Swedish wife.
And then he's like, and I go, he's looking good. He's in great shape.
He's wearing Gucci everywhere. He's got Rolexes, Porsches.
He smells different. But I would swoop in on Christina if that happened.
Really? Yeah, because I know that she's dated Asians before. Two.
Oh, she has. Two Asians.
So she has that fucking little fucking thing. She likes little something.
Yeah, she's like the yellow one. I think they were like, no offense, but I think they were like gentrified Asians.
What do you mean? I think they were like regular, more accessible Asians. No, no, no, no.
No, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, you're like. I'm the rice guy.
I carry the rice in the field. No, no, no.
You're like more like food truck Asian. Yeah.
They were like more like, they were more like a chef. No, they were like corner office Asian.
Yeah. Yeah, but I'm more like Roy Choi.
Like I have my own like, you know. Yeah, he owns a food truck.
Yeah. He owns a food truck.
That's what he's saying. You are Roy Choi.
Yeah, you are Roy Choi. No, that's what I'm saying.
I agree with you. Like I have one called Coconut Cupcakes.
Soy Boy. You're Soy Boy.
Soy Boy Coconut Cupcakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, no, no.
I agree with you. Still cool.
Still regular Asian. I agree with you.
Okay. Here's the deal.
She's not going to fuck you, man. It's definitely not happening.
You're fishing. She's not going to fuck you.
If Tom cheated on her and she was single, I think I could swoop in, dude, like a fucking little bird. Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. I swoop in, we don't even know.
No, no, no, no, no. I would argue she's upgraded so much.
I'm upgraded. I bet she's not even.
Her sons are bigger than you. That has nothing, size has nothing to do with it.
It has almost everything to do with it. It has the heart and the aura and the energy.
One of them's seven. What? He's seven.
He's bigger than you at seven years old. They can't have their new dad be smaller than them.
Right. That's not how it works.
And they live in Austin. You show up in the house and they're like, don't make the bed, but it's okay.
Well, let me ask you something. Does Danny DeVito have a shot? Yeah.
No, not with Christina. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes, he does. Listen, listen.
This is a great pivot. What would Christina fuck after Tom? Yeah.
So wait. Now, here's the deal.
Okay. Remember, she's into fat guys.
That's who she married. A fat guy.
And he's lost the weight. Yeah.
And he's unrelatable now. And for my son.
Are we going to be real or not? Yeah, dude. And we go to do live shows and they chant, bring back fat Tom.
Bring back fat Tom. Who would be the next pick? Who's kind of a chunky bunkie that she'd get into? Stavros.
Oh, she would fuck the shit out of Stavros. Wait, wait, wait.
She would go out with Stavros before me? He's so hot, dude. Way, way before you.
He's so hot. Okay, the weight thing then.
I think that's her thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's a chubby chaser. Yeah.
Like Leanne, right? If Leanne married again, do you, I don't, I don't, you might be in her wheelhouse. Yeah, your wife? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, for sure. Because she would be able to, I could, go, go, go, go, I'd swoop, like a bird.
I swoop in. She would love you.
Little Asian bird swooping in. I go inside the nest, wank, wank.
Leave. And you don't like to have sex a lot.
You like to play video games. I like to fuck.
I'm a fuck machine, dude. Well, hold on.
That's not the story I read on Reddit. I still like to fuck.
I'm a fuck machine. No, no, no.
You don't think I'm a fuck machine? You're not really a fuck machine. You're like a, you know, you're like a...
I'm not electrical. I'm like more than what the...
You ourselves I would say I argue that people say that I work too much right yeah so I'm a work machine Andrew you are kind of a work machine I'm a little work yes a little horse Bobby if you had to name yourself one type of machine is it fuck machine or is it Sleep machine? I'm a sleep machine. Yeah.
Probably a sleep machine. I'm a sleep machine.
That happens to fuck. You know what you are? You know what machine you are? What? You're the ice cream maker at McDonald's because it's always broken.
It works sometimes. Once in a great world.
That's a good analogy. Sometimes.
When you get it, it's fucking delicious. I know, but it never fucking works.
Right. It never works.
And you know what? Everyone comes by and goes, how come that thing is still out of operation? Yeah. It's 51 years old.
How is it not fixed by now? Right. And they go, we don't know.
We've tried over the years. It's just in sleep mode and we can't wake it up.
Because if we do, it shakes and sputters and. Yeah.
So we got to let it rest. Okay.
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This morning I woke up and it was beautiful. I was listening to Little Goose and I was fucking, I was naked, Leanne was naked and we were walking around the, I say in the presidential suite at the W.
Hell yeah. They gave it to me.
Did you guys fuck today? You fucked this morning? Fucked this morning, man. God bless.
I love it. Fucking nice, too.
Really nice. Yeah, it was really nice.
Good make out session before. We just started making out again.
Like making out. Like full blown making out.
And it's so, secret time, but I'll share it. We fucked in my car the other night.
Wow, where? Was it a Bronco? 50s. No, it's a big Mercedes.
Okay. We came home from the comedy store.
We went to dinner at Saddle Ranch. What? At midnight.
You did? And Leanne saw, she'll never listen to this, so I'm gonna share everything. Yeah.
So Leanne saw two people, a guy and a girl walk into the women's bathroom together, and she came out, and we got in the car, and I was a little buzzed, and she was like, can you believe they fucking in there? They going in to fuck? Isn't that crazy? Can you believe that? Is this Miss Pat, your wife? It is. Miss Pat was there last night.
I know, she was. She was Miss Pat.
And not Bobby. And so I said, you used to be like that.
I just randomly said, you used to be like that. Oh, boy.
We pull into our house. She pulls under the carport so I can't see her outside of her room.
And she grabs my dick. Whoa like whoa and she just starts making out with me like making out like we're making out making out and then takes all of her clothes off in our fucking under our carport and dude I got I got I got three times I remember fucking Leanne right three times like when I die on my deathbed the three times I remember fucking Leanne.
Right? Three times. Like, when I die on my deathbed, the three times.
One was on a jet ski in a cove, totally naked when we were very young. Hot.
Was it still rumbling? Yeah. And I was worried about alligators and snakes.
And then, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What y'all doing down there? Hey, boy.
Hey, boy. How am I getting in? Leave it in.
Leave it in there, boy. One time was in my truck where I slammed my thumb in the car, and I finished anyway, right? And then this time was in my Mercedes, and it was so fun.
What are we talking? Front seat, back seat? Front seat reclined all the way back. By the way, my assistant and my social media manager are going to have a hard time driving home with me in that car.

Yeah, now they are.

Now they are.

I've seen your testicle.

Yeah, you've seen me naked.

Yeah.

A couple times.

Yeah, but I saw it and I was a wonder.

I was, I still,

I'm mesmerized by it.

Big balls.

Have you seen my,

my shoulders are jacked.

We saw, last night.

I benched two,

I once benched 285 the other day.

Wow.

285 for real. And how old are you right now? 50.
There's not a lot of 50-year-olds that can do that. Yeah.
What do you think you can bench? Be genuine. Be real? Yeah.
Like the bar is 45. Well, I've never tried it.
Well, the bar is 45. You think you can get the bar? Oh, I'm going to jump in and answer this.
Of course I can do it. No, I'm going to jump in and answer this for him.
Yeah, yeah. My daughter has a hard time at the bar, and I'm betting Bobby will too.
It's the... It's...
It's... You guys have no idea, dude.
Alright? Yay! Shame. My point is this, okay? I was on a wrestling team.
Dude, 30 fucking years ago. Stop doing that.
You're living in the past, dude. I bet I could throw a football over the mountains.
It's over. It's over.
People think that I can't even move. You don't fucking move.
You don't move.

You don't move.

Check this out.

Get in front of us right now.

And do what?

And do a push up.

Do a couple.

Do a bunch.

Let's see.

And I weigh 285.

Let's see.

Let's see.

Yeah, you weigh 285. I want to see it.

Yeah, do it facing us.

Let's go. All the way down and hold it.
Yeah, do it facing us. Let's go.

All the way down and hold it.

Come on back.

One.

That's actually impressive right there.

Two.

Keep going.

Three.

Let's get to 10.

Four.

Five.

He's speeding up because he's getting nervous.

Six.

Go all the way down.

Seven.

All the way down.

Eight.

Come on.

Nine.

Ten, and we're running out of breath. The whole podcast will be you.
this so great dizzy he's gonna pass out gonna hit his fucking head you know what yeah you can do the bar you can do the bar you can do the bar now breathe into the mic let me hear your breathing i haven't done it so long i didn't know know if I had it, but I still got it.

You still got it.

You still got it.

You still got it.

You know what I mean?

So that's in your face.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right in your face.

Thank you.

That needs to be a t-shirt.

So that's in your face.

Yeah.

And also, I can do a lot of things you don't even know.

Name them.

Log it.

The log thing.

Oh, you can log.

You can log?

No, no.

The log, we're on the log and we're trying.

Log rolling?

Yeah.

And we're on the lake and somebody, I can do that good.

And I've never done it, but I know I can do it well.

I'll see you next time. you can log you can log no no the log we're on the log and which one log rolling yeah and we're on the lake and and somebody whoever i can do that good and i've never done it but i know i can do it well yeah i believe it yeah i've done it it's really hard it's so hard to do it's so fucking right legolas you think you can shoot both i want to take you i've never done a bow but i'm sure i'm pretty sure i could hit not the center, but the actual circle.
All right.

All right.

I'm pitching it.

Hey, guys.

Do you like the show, Bad Friends? Well, get ready to subscribe to the new show called Better Than Me. And it's Bobby Lee going out to find out if he's better than other people who has also never done it.
That's good. I like this.
I like this. We send you out in the world.
When you're on tour, you go out, and you bow shoot, bow hunt, bow whatever, against another random dude. Yeah, who doesn't do it either.
Who doesn't do it. Yeah, yeah.
I like it. We bring an expert in.
Whoa. He goes in, and he talks you both through it.
He shows it to you, and then you compete. Done.
I love it. Can I ask a question? No.
Name them all. By the way, I've done everything you're talking about, I've done.
That was called my travel channel job. Everything you've done, I've done.
By the way, I'm superior at bow hunting. Superior.
Come on, man. You're an axe guy.
You're not better than Rogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you pull it up real quick? So you do archery regularly? Yeah. So you, and then there's people who regularly do it, and you guys have a certain, you know, comfort with like the whole, like the equipment and how to, but if you were to grab all your friends who don't shoot regularly, like they don't practice regularly, and you go try to do this, I'm 100% certain that of that group, he would do the best.
Hmm. Of people that don't practice, or if you were just like, this is how you shoot it.
Because he has really impressive, I'm telling you, hand-eye coordination. Like he has really good, like anything like shooting a dart, throwing a ball, hitting a baseball, all that stuff is what he actually excels in.
I've seen him play pool. He can play pool.
The look in your eyes. I didn't know that.
Yeah. Not bad.

If he wasn't such a drunk, he'd probably be an amazing athlete.

Why don't we play that part?

Jesus Christ, you couldn't fucking edit it?

By the way, you'd still be drunk and be a great athlete.

So many great athletes were drunks or are drunks.

So I think you're still on par, baby.

I can't feel my arms.

Why?

From the push-ups.

Yeah, that's funny as shit.

I don't feel great. Yeah, you don't feel good.
I'm sitting on a brick. You want to switch to the comfy chair? Nope.
Okay, good. I own it.
Can we get him some more Bud Light? Do we have more Bud Light? Hey, let's talk about getting people that are listening to this to go out to the movie theaters this weekend. No, honestly, people do need to go.
People do need to go to the theater and watch it. And Bobby should go himself.
And you know what? I want you to buy a ticket this weekend and go watch it. Will you do that? Say, I'll do that.
What do you mean? I already bought it. Yeah, where? What theater? Arclight.
No, he did The Little Mermaid. And I like this clothes.
Arclight's closed down. Nice try.
Good job, Bobby. Nice try.
They're opening for the machine. You don't know this? Just for the machine.
Yeah. All right.
They're going to close again. Oh, for real? Yeah.
It's amazing. We're doing a theater run tonight where we go to the sold-out theaters, and we surprise everyone.
You're popping in. Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's fucking amazing. Yeah.
But here's what I want to say about it, okay? Like I said, he gave you the compliment, right? But based on the trailer, right? I went, even when I saw the trailer, I was like, this is going to do something. Because you because you don't see comedy movies anymore like will ferrell all these guys they can't put them out anymore i think this is the new wave i think you're gonna revolutionize it for us pave the way and maybe brett bad friends will do a movie one day because of your fucking hey from your mouth to god's ears i say this i say this all the time i said this when i introduced movie yesterday.
Just if we know we can provide ticket sales in theaters and in arenas and in comedy clubs. We know that we can.
We know there are people that like our comedy. We know that in podcasting that people like our comedy.
We need those people to support us in theaters because movie theaters are dying.

Oh, yeah.

Don't let them die because that is here's where the real money is made is when you make the studio's money.

That's when they fucking double down.

And so if this movie does good numbers and makes money, I guarantee you there's a bad.

There's a buddy comedy with you two.

I guarantee you next summer in the lineup. It's sold because you guys will roll into Lions Gate or Sony or wherever the fuck it is and be like, yo, we have a, and they're gonna look at your numbers on your podcast and go Bert can do that.
Let's get them. Let's isolate his fans.
Let's bring their fans in and then you guys will show up. Obviously everyone listening will show up to this but it has to start, it has to and i and i'm hoping it starts this weekend that people get out of their house go to the movie theaters and enjoy a movie theater this movie andrew correct me if i'm wrong it should be seen on a big screen yeah it's a big screen you can't watch it i mean you could watch it at home but it's i it's one of those things where it's like you want to see like like john wick shit it's like sure watch at your house i definitely watch it in the theater.
This has so much action. Dude, which part did you like the most about the action scenes? In what? In his movie.
Oh my God, the fucking, when they came down the mountain. The mountain scene? Yeah.
That's right. That's right.
The Gandalf was in it. The Gandalf the Grey was in it.
Was Gandalf in it? You were so close. And do you remember who was hanging on the rope coming down the mountain? Rosario Dawson.
yeah yeah and then there was a fucking who's shooting the bow who was it this guy he was who was he shooting at you're shooting at fucking the spoiler alert dude steven seagal steven seagal was down there yeah and then um for russia the little man came back who's that the little guy from uh from uh mini me yeah no the guy that died verne troye yeah he came back. The ghost of Fern Troy! Just Mini-Me.
Yeah, no, the guy that died.

Vern Troy.

Vern Troy came back.

Yeah, he came back.

The ghost of Vern Troy.

Just for this movie.

Yeah, it was on your shoulder.

No, you need to see this in the theaters.

You gotta watch this.

It was amazing, man.

And people are gonna go see it.

I know people are gonna see it.

It's gonna do well.

Get out of the fucking house.

That's my thing.

It's like, if we...

Let me think.

Okay.

Movie theaters are like hand jobs.

Here it is.

If you ignore them, then you never get them again. But they're really good.
Let's see if I can think a better one. I do like that.
Yeah, right? The thing is, there are certain things you just overlook. And then if you overlook them, then you never get them.
And then you're like, well, fuck, I kind of missed that a little bit. Right.
Movie theaters. Let's go back to the hand job.
Let's go back. Let's keep going around.
Let's keep going around the table. Because I had a good one the other day.
My dog was chasing a squirrel. Okay.
And you were. And I was watching him chase a squirrel.
And it's like his favorite thing to do. And did the squirrel give their dog a hand job? No, no.
The little hands. And then he caught the squirrel.
Okay. And it was not what he thought it would be.
And I said, my dog chasing a squirrel is like anal sex. It sounds like a good time.
But then when it actually happens, it's way more messy. A lot of blood everywhere.
A lot of blood everywhere. And it's not what you think it's going to be.
Squirrel died. And then Mac looked at me like, I thought he would play more.
And I was like, oh, buddy, you killed it. Yeah, you ripped it.
You ripped it wide open. So movie theaters are like 69ing.
You knowing you know look what yeah it's gonna smell like shit a little bit a little bit yeah yeah and there's a lot of cleanup that you're not gonna do but you're both winning yeah you know i mean they get paid we have a good time yeah go around the horn bobby movie theaters are like well let me ask you about 69 bobby movie theaters are like it's like um of white rice. Oh, of course.
Right? If you don't eat it, right, someone else will. Yes.
Movie theaters are good. Let me ask you about 69 real quick.
Yeah. When you're on the bottom...
I'm definitely not listening. When you're on the bottom, right, do you grab their cheeks like this or do you just...
No when you're on the bottom he's not on the top of some you think i'm gonna crush her jesus christ murder is gonna let me throat fucker yeah yeah oh 267 pounds yeah but you can't of course you grab the butt oh you do what do you do your hands are just out wide i always question so i kind of almost like try to do it but i'm like no i no you have to give up no So you have to rub the butt. Oh, you do? What do you do? Your hands are just out wide.
I always question, so I kind of almost try to do it, but I'm like, no.

No, you have to rub.

I give up.

No, you have to rub the butt.

In fact, you can put a digit in there.

Do you spread it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Rip it open, baby.

Movie theaters are like having sex with black people.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

When they're there, it's a little louder.

What are movie theaters like, Bob? yeah come on movie theaters i don't i'm not good with like these analogies yeah bobby just stop doing that and say the thing start it and it moves forward you just do it you know what you're right add information and you yes and it that's right right you start it i'll finish it okay movie theaters are movie theaters are like a katana sword Jesus Christ Bobby Right If you don't use it the samurai will die Perfect Nailed it Movie theaters are like dingleberries Right If you don't remove it, right, it's going to smell. No, no, no.
Movie theaters are like grandparents. You forget how much you love them until they're not there.
Let's do a vampire one. Movie theaters are like vampires.
Right. If you don't watch it at night, you're not going to get bit.
Yeah, okay. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah? I like it.
I like vampires. Movie theaters are like virgins.
Right. If you don't have sex with them, they'll never have sex.
Right? That's me. If you go to the movie theater and you don't go, then it never happened and they'll die.
So, yeah, the virgin will die. Right.
Their pussy will die. Movie theaters are like girlfriends from high school okay you forget how much fun they are until you're inside them again there it is right that's a good one that's the best one i understand that you do one now but let me give you giraffes go movie theaters are like giraffes yeah here we go're terrified of light.
They're a great place to be with lightning striking. Yes, yes.
See? He did it for me. You want to be an extra giraffe during a lightning storm? Because they get hit first.
Well, they'll get smoked. Yeah.
Really? Yeah, dude. I grew up in Florida.
Look at how long it is. In Florida, we have a lot of lightning.
We were not allowed to have giraffes at our zoos. Really? Yeah.
Wow. No fucking way.
No way. There's no way.
I can't Theo Vaughn this. I can't Theo Vaughn this.
Yeah, you're a short Theo Vaughn. Yeah, dude.
Fucking man. Hey, man.
I grew up with two giraffes. I bought two online.
You can buy. If you buy one, you get one free now from Africa, man.
Saves on shipping costs. Go to giraffe.com but but bad friends listeners now listening right please if you support burt you're basically supporting our movie that's the that's what we're trying to say listen that's true the way hollywood works is you you only get the things you like if you make people money that's how it works yeah and as creat, our sense of humor has not been appreciated totally.
I think the industry has kind of shied away from our sense of humor, which makes you laugh right now. The horrible jokes we've all just made on this podcast, that is not what's happening in Hollywood.
Hollywood is a more woke agenda, which I'm not being this political guy.

I'm just telling you that's where it is.

They'd rather make a movie with everyone else and not us.

And not us.

Maybe Bobby.

Maybe me and you, Andrew, are the only ones.

Bobby seems to get cast a lot these days

as the indigenous guy.

Anyway.

He's native.

But you can't even make that joke in Hollywood.

You can't make that joke in Hollywood.

But we laugh at it, right? So if you support comedies, go see Sebastian's. It's out this week.
Go see Sebastian's. See mine.
Just support comedy and movie theaters. And then all of a sudden, Hollywood, all they care about is fucking money.
Yeah, that's all they care. That's all they care about.
It's the truth. I'm in business with a lot of them right now.
But if you make them money, then they go, how do I make more money? And I'll tell you the first thing they do, and we all have seen this a million times. We saw it with touring companies.
We saw it with promoters. They pilfer the podcasters.
And which is a good thing if you're a fan, is the first thing they do is they grab you two. Buddy Comedy, what do you guys want to do? And it's sold tomorrow, and you guys get to make whatever the fuck you make.
Tom and I are signed up for Fat Astronauts. It's great.
Is he going to get fat again? Yeah. He's got to get fat.
I love it. I love it more than anything.
You know, without the strokes hitting it back in the New York scene, right? There would be no

Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs,

Interpol,

and these bands

because they're like,

Look at Grunge.

Grunge music hit.

Nirvana hits.

And then they sign everyone.

Everyone.

No Soundgarden.

Without Nirvana,

no Soundgarden.

Yeah.

No Pearl Jam.

No Pearl Jam, right.

And that's the way

the industry works.

Yeah.

So if you support this,

we have another

couple weeks, three weeks in movie theaters.

I don't know how long we're in movie theaters.

Yeah.

But I know we're, if you're listening to this on Monday, I know we're there this weekend.

We're there Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Go see this movie in movie theaters.

And then let us fucking own movie theaters.

Our sense of humor, the shit you like, let us own it.

Let us own it.

Dude, I went hard.

You saw the movie. Oh, my God.
i went hard i there were there were times secret time hardcore secret time there was a time mark hamill was not cool with the scene and he was like didn't want to do it not funny i don't like it i don't want to be a part of it it's the yeah oh yeah and and i went it's funny and he was like it's the it's the scene that everybody talked about it's the one it's the one it's aggressive it's very there's a couple really aggressive ones and i went i said just trust me just trust trust me on this and it's hard man these studios these actors they're they're they're sensitive people they're real people and they're like i don't want to be associated with the way our brains fucking think right because it's not our brains think fucking sideways yeah yeah and uh and it it's the best it's so fucking it's best in the world now when you cast mark uh hamill were you because i'd be so nervous i'm such a huge fan of his i'm i'm a star wars guy you know were you intimidated at all were you oh hardcore yeah yeah yeah it's luke skywalker because you're trying to act cool like you because you want to be you know my biggest concern was uh because we took a private jet to serbia together yeah and my biggest concern was uh him watching me drink so i put baby bottles of jacks in my pockets so that i could so i could sneak them in the bathroom yeah yeah yeah so i was like i don't want him to see me drink like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
On a 17-hour flight to Serbia? And I go anywhere in a really tight capsule. It's like, he's watching me.
And so I put baby bottles of Jack's in my pocket. I took edibles.
Does he have a little? Is he a little drinker? No, no. Man, he's sober.
Sober as a judge. I think, yeah, he eats pizza.
Yeah, yeah. What? Adam and Eve.
I'll tell you right now because I'm a single guy, Andrew. Yeah, you are, baby.
And I, you know, when I pleasure myself with my hand, sometimes it's not good enough. Let me see your hand.
Yeah, it doesn't look good enough. It doesn't look good enough.
No, man. But I got some stuff from Adam and Eve and I've been using it at home, right? And it's been so good.
Well, we talked about it on the last episode that I said my favorite thing is my ding dong ring. I love it so much.
It's silicone and it rubs. And Adam and Eve sent me a whole bunch of them to say thank you.
And I want to say thank you because I want better sex. You know what? And your partner wants it too.
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Bobby, what do you eat?

Like, what's your average day of food look like?

It's bad.

Do you want this?

I brought this for you.

It's really bad.

Fucking Twinkies are banana.

Do you want Twinkies?

I don't know if you want one, but I brought them for you.

I want a fucking Twinkie more than I want a dick in my ass. I'll eat like...
Dude, Twinkies I don't know if you want one buddy I want a fucking Twinkie more than I want a dick in my ass I'll eat like dude Twinkies have a place in my heart when I saw it I thought of you I thought I'm gonna give them a little gift I brought you a bucket of vodka and I thought I want to give them a little Twinkie so let me I want to share something I want to share something when I was in first grade I had separation anxiety I couldn't be away from my parents. And I had to look at life.
Oh, man, we might be finding my trauma right now. I had to look at life as secret victories, secret treats, right? Can I get through the first two periods and then get to snack and then I get a Twinkie? can I get to lunch and then I get a Twinkie and then if I can get through lunch I get through the rest of the day I swear to god we're figuring out my trauma this is it the twink you got a little snack if you if you made it through a certain amount of time yeah that's how much you got snack and then I had a Twinkie and then I could sit back and just have a Twinkie.
And then my parents always packed Twinkies.

My dad always put Twinkies in my lunchbox. And then I was like, cool, man.
I get to like a little bit of reprise from this whole fucking chaos of missing your parents and not knowing anybody. I got a moment where I could like be myself and like open up my lunchbox and have a Twinkie.
Take a bite and let me see how you feel. And I'm like, get deeper right now.
And if I felt strong, if I got through the day, I'd save my Twinkie to give it to my dad. When he picked me up, I'd go like, I'd go, hey, I need my Twinkie.
Like, I got through it. And my dad would be like, oh, thanks, buddy.
And then we'd share my Twinkie in the car, ride home. I don't normally treat myself to treats like this.
I'm trying to be a little healthier, but I'm really looking forward to this banana with vanilla cream in it. This one's for your dad.
We had a moment last night. Your dad was there? My dad cried hard.
Dude, it was beautiful. It was so pretty.
Leah Thompson came up to me and said, that movie is fantastic. My dad was sobbing, crying.
And he goes, buddy, I underestimate what you do. It was a great moment.
And this is, this one is for my dad. Nothing like shoving something phallic in your mouth and say, this one's for my dad.
Isn't that nice? My mom had a moment when she went on stage. That was incredible.
So my mom, you know, was in Phoenix,enix burt oh my god let him sit in it this one's for papa it's so good it always delivers it's the best it's the best the fact that they teased us they were going to take it away remember that when they're like might go away and they were like just fucking with you we're gonna keep like the maximum pizzas yeah they were fucking with us they were just fucking good that is that delivers every time every time twinkies don't it's like a pop chart oh they deliver a dorito they deliver every time very seldomly hey man shout out to these corporations that make foods that give us cancer because they deliver every time every time every time very seldom jump into a bag of Lay's or a bag of combos and go, oh, these are off. No.
Right? They're always on. They're on.
They're always on. And you know what's good about these foods? You're never going to have a bonding moment over broccoli.
It's never going to happen. No, never.
You need a little bit of cancer to go, dad, this is for you and me. And those chemicals in it that's bad, that makes it bad?

I'm eating the other one, man.

Thank you for those chemicals, because it makes it taste better.

It tastes much better.

So, you know, the cancer is...

I don't know when this was made or shelved or put in a fucking bag.

Yeah.

And it's so goddamn moist.

The Lord came inside this thing and it's so fucking good. It's so fucking good.
A little bit of Jesus jizz inside of there, baby. Dude, beer doesn't do what these guys do.
Beer, you ever get beer and you're like, what? This tastes off. Wine, it can be corked.
Oh, yeah. I have bad wine all the time.
But a Twinkie? Does not miss. It does not miss.
It's never missed. It's never missed.
It's like unprotected sex. It's always good.
Yeah. Twinkie? Twinkie's like what? What do you mean? You just said Twinkie's like unprotected sex.
It's always good. Twinkies are like what? Oh, Twinkies are like shooting heroin.
Movie theaters. Movie theaters, I mean.
Twinkies are like movie theaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They were going to go away. Yeah.
I'm not good at these, man. Twinkies are like movie theaters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were gonna go away.
Yeah. I'm not good at these, man.
Twinkies are like movie theaters. Yeah, yeah.
You forgot how good they were. Like, I've never saw the riddle.
I don't know what riddles mean. I don't know how to do puns.
Just try. Anything.
Yeah, I don't even know. So what? Tell me again.
Twinkie. A Twinkie is like an Asian guy.
Yeah. What? Yeah, Twinkies are like an Asian guy that grew up in America.

They're yellow on the outside, white on the inside.

There it is.

Fuck yeah.

There it is.

That's perfect.

With a dinger.

That's a really dinger.

Fucking Big Bird comes in with a dinger.

What's a dinger mean?

Is that good?

Yeah, it's good.

You hit a home run.

You hit a home run.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You jacked it right out of the park.

That's what Twinkies are like.

You know, Bobby?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I think a lot of people sleep on exactly how funny you fucking are. I think they go, like, guys like me and you.
Yeah. We get written off as these guys that are just crazy on podcasts.
We say wild shit and whatever. Whatever it is.
You're fucking funny, dude. So funny, dude.
I forgot how funny. Sometimes people forget how fucking funny you are.
You're like a Twinkie. I don't think everyone's forgot.
There are a lot of people. People forgot.
Who forgot? Who forgot? I forgot until right now. And we have more Twinkies? Yeah, yeah.
All I do is show up, I do the best I can, I go home. That's not true.
What do you mean? You're kind of phoning in a lot. More than not.
More than not. Motherfucker, finally.
Jesus Christ. Two? You brought him two? There needs to be way more than two.
I'll take two. Give one to Andrew.
Hi, Mateo. Mateo's here.
Oh, shut the fuck up! Hi, Mateo. Mateo's so funny.
Mateo's the fucker. There you go.
Load him up. Mateo, do you want a beer? No, I don't want to.
It's like three o'clock in the afternoon. Absolutely not.
Mateo, come sit here and have a beer with me. Should I go sit over there? Yeah, sit over there.
Go sit over there and have a beer with him. Have a beer, Mateo.
Have a beer. AJ's movie just fucking premiered.
My movie just premiered, Mateo. What? And have a beer with me should i go sit over there and have a beer with him have a beer aj's movie just fucking my movie just premiered mateo what and have a look at how jacked he is by the way this is and this is no teach i'm just as jacked you're just as jacked as him i'm not as ripped as him but i'm just as jack he's you're strong you're always at the gym and you're always like i don't understand like you're like like lifting trucks can i can i show you i don't know where my phone is i'm, she was a DJ the other night at a party.
Was that? DJ. Hot as fuck.
Hardcore I fucked me. Hardcore I fucked me.
And I put that on the fucking record. She got a baby right now, right? Did she have a baby? Paris? No.
I thought she had a baby. Paris Hilton did have a baby.
When? So you fuckers. Questioning my social fucking knowledge.
I know what's going on. Did she have the baby or did Sarah get help? She help she looked pretty good i don't think and she hardcore i fucked me just so we're clear like what are we talking how long was it like this like let's do it right now look okay ready i'm gonna walk out with my posse right right you're me ready that looks more confused i was shirtless i was shirtless so it might have been might have been confused.
I think it was an eye-fucking. This is eye-fucking.
I was shirtless. I was shirtless.
So it might have been

might have been confused.

I took it as an eye fucking.

This is eye fucking.

I'm Paris and you're you.

Ready?

You're staring at Paris

and I walk in.

Oh, that's fine.

Oh, I didn't get that.

I didn't get that.

I got,

I got,

hey, what's that fat guy

doing on the dance floor

with this girl?

Let me try eye fucking.

Let me try that.

Yeah, let's Bobby try.

So I'm in a club.

Wait, open him up.

Open him up.

Oh my God. He's saving the drugs.
I'm a club. Oh my god

So you're Paris what your Paris I'm at a club All right

Are being lying that's good Wow That's good Bobby Attention club doors There's a lost Korean boy Is that real or no Are you lying? That's good You thought it was good? No I fuck me I fuck you I fuck you I fuck you I fuck you I fuck you You fuck me? I fuck you Yeah I fuck you You would fuck me? You want me to fuck you? No do I Do I fucking? I fuck me I'm gonna I fuck Bobby Who's on first? Look at me in the eyes, and I'm going to catch eyes with Bobby. I'm going to I fuck Bobby, okay? Why are you laughing? Yeah, why? Because it's too real.
You really want it to be real and break down? Do it, Mateo. I fuck Bobby.
Yeah, yeah. Bobby's at the call.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do me too! Do me too! Wait, hold on, Portake. I don't even know what it feels like.
Your turn's coming. I think of the let's fuck look.
So look, he's obsessed with you, you're a famous celebrity, he's staring at you, you walk in and you see him and then you I fuck him. I'm at a bar.
You're at a bar? You're not at a bar. Well, I want to be drinking.
Well, okay, be drinking, you're at a bar. Drink, drink, drink! Break your sobriety! Yeah, I'm relapsing.
Okay, and I'm Paris Hilton. Yeah, okay,, yeah, yeah.
I'm relapsing. I'm relapsing.
Fucking sexy as fuck for the record. Okay, good.
All right. Shooting a little bit, a little bit.
My God. No, no, no.
It's hard not to look at it with a pity. I don't know how to...
No, I'm dancing. I'm dancing.
Okay, he's dancing. Now walk in.
Everybody dance now. What do you see? Wait, is that how you do it? That's how you do it? You're disgusting.
You seem disgusting. Well, that was honest.
We're acting. No, I think that was honest.
That was me acting. Wait, so that's how you do it? No, I don't know.
I haven't been out to a club in forever. For real? Usually it's just like on Instagram.
All right. For real? Yeah.

That must be fun as fucking shit.

I saw something on the net there.

Have you heard of foreign accent syndrome?

Where the lady got the stroke and talked like an Asian person. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I love it.

Is that true?

Is that real?

I had it one time.

Hello, mate.

What?

Oh, shit.

No.

No, it's not real.

Yeah, it's a thing, I guess. So are are they faking it is it i don't know it might be i just think it's like a way for someone to be racist really 24 hours a day just white ladies like what white people are always like what else can we do to just be although it is extremely rare it is a real medical condition well yeah there's seven billion on earth.
I'm sure at least one person is real. Well, then that's the one.

That lady's the one, you know?

She's an idiot.

I kind of want to hit my head so I can talk like you.

Yeah, but it's never like a European sound like an American.

It's always some weird either.

It's always Asian.

It's always Asian.

Hold on.

There's Americans that sound like British people.

I know that.

I've seen that.

That one makes a lot more sense.

But the white woman that sounds like an Asian woman, what is that? Maybe that's fucking history, baby. The center of civilization maybe is Asia, and that's she regressed back to the beginning of time.
Oh my God. And then he shows us he's a genius.
See that? It's the cradle of civilization. You have a stroke and you turn back to Mesopotamia.

That's what our movie's about.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

But have you guys ever heard the theory that a lot of people think that native people in America were descendants from Asia and they crossed the Bering Strait.

And that's the way of native.

But they think that it could have happened the other way around, that the beginning of civilization probably happened in America with native, and they came across, and then they got all ching-chong-y. No, I think everything started in Africa.
Oh, okay. But also my mom.
You're offending his people. You're offending my people, but go ahead.
But actually, what's interesting is like, so my mom just did her 23andMe. My mom is Italian and Mexican.
Yeah. So if you're Mexican, like indigenous to Mexico, it says my mom's 2% Korean because it goes all the way back.
So it says East Asian, part Korean, and then it says Native American. So I don't know what that's like Aztec, Maya.
I don't know what that means. One of them.
Spanish, Portuguese. We all have something about us.
Well, not everyone. Andrew and I are perfect.
Yeah, we're exactly right there.

You don't think you have anything? We're just white.

Just white.

Did you do a 23andMe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what did it say, nothing?

It said 100%.

White.

Arian white.

No.

I don't know.

I did the allergy test.

Mine said that I don't like cilantro, and I don't.

It tastes like soap.

Wait, it said you don't like it.

Wait, it said.

Hold on, what's up?

It's a genetic thing.

Your one says you didn't like it? I know what I don't like. I don't even take it.
It's a genetic thing. It also just had an X through a vagina.
No, but... You don't like getting fucked in the ass? I'm like, oh, shut up.
I'm going to stop that then. This app really knows me.
Oh, fucking potato. So cilantro tastes like soap to you? So you can't eat guacamole with cilantro in it? If I could taste it, it's like I'm eating pine salt I hate cilantro Let's run through the list Garlic, I can't have enough of it I love garlic By the way, a lot of Italians It's a misconception that they do not cook with that much garlic It's really not that common in dishes in Italy I I put so much garlic and stuff you know when they sell the bag of garlic in the in in the yes all the nine different pods i put it all in that's the way to do it yeah i want to fart in the morning i love i love garlic okay uh uh do you eat carbs yeah of course i just had pasta for lunch for real yeah yeah but he just took a little me and chel you hung out with Chelsea? yeah I did her podcast unbelievable I love her she's the best she really is there's a couple like bad bitches in this business where you're like you watch them get flack but you love them and you respect them Sarah and Chelsea yeah Sarah and Chelsea for me are like just bad bitches where you're like you understand like it's weird because there are bad bitches in this business that maybe I'm pretty drunk I should stop talking you're not saying anything wrong there's a couple ones that you go you watch them get flacky and you're like ah fuck them right there's a couple There's a couple.
But not them. Isn't that weird? Yeah.
Like, I like when Chelsea... I think she's authentic.
I don't get the sense that she's putting anything on. So you have to respect someone for being authentic.
Who they are. Yeah.
But she's always been that. She hasn't changed that much, Chelsea.
I've never known her. She's always treated me the same.
Like, shit. But anyway...
No,, she's always been kind of like,

you know what I mean?

Very direct with me,

you know?

And I respect that,

you know?

And you're saying Sarah Silverman too?

Dude.

She's amazing.

Sarah Silverman is a love

Sarah Silverman.

She's the motherfucker.

So funny.

Like I fucking,

I'm a ride or die for her.

Like she's been cool

when she didn't have to be cool.

She was always nice.

And I don't know Chelsea. We have texted with Chelsea or whatever.
And she's always very sweet. I think that was mostly through Joe.
Yeah. But Sarah is the motherfucker.
Like she is funny as fucking shit. Top to bottom.
Jesus is magic is one of the best specials out there. there and she's um this is i don't like doing this because it it uh kind of pulls away from how great they are as comics gorgeous gorgeous beautiful parties fun like those those are the things that you go that shouldn't be part of the conversation oh man she's gorgeous when someone never one okay when had that when she used to have that those parties at her old that old condo on the rooftop did you ever go to one of those she used to have a party she would have a party she had a couple parties on her rooftop condo and there were huge plate glass windows and i showed up i don't i was late i was doing a spot at the store and i don't i know her but not like that well but like we're cool and i showed up late and i was texting to see who was there So I wasn't uncomfortably walking around a party when you're like, who am I going to run in? You know, who's here? And someone runs up to me, another comic.
And he goes, he goes, dude, where have you been? I was like, I mean, I was doing a spot. I thought like the party just kicked off.
He's like, dude, somebody already fell in the pool. And a dude ran through a plate guy's window.
It's fucking awesome. And I was like, really? And he's like, dude, they're always like this.
Something's always going on at her fucking rooftop party sounds like an 80s movie it was fun as shit dude it was fucking great she rented out the whole can't buy me love the whole roof was her i'll tell you i'll tell you who i'm like if we're gonna get deep in the weeds on this we're already in the weeds we're deep down fucking janine garofalo i wait a minute that's so funny you said i've been on a janine garofalo kick this past week bro her wtf and everything i i fucking love janine garofalo I love her. That's so funny.
You said I've been on a Janine Garofalo kick this past week. Bro, I.
Her WTF and everything. I fucking love Janine Garofalo.
I love her. That is.
So when I started comedy, when I watched Chris Rock's Bring the Pain. That one of the best specials of all time.
And I was like, I want to get into comedy. Right? But that's all I'd really seen.
I wasn't like a comedy nerd. I didn't like.
I watched Comedy Central, but it all kind of sucked in my opinion at the time well this is the 90s so keith robinson if you're watching yeah he's a great artist and so i love keith is actually who i'm dating i should be honest and so uh i go i'm getting ready i've already bought my ticket to move to new york i'm moving to new york i reach out to a dude named David Wayne. He's a director.

I had met him in Greece.

He gave me

his phone number in Greece and I reach out to him. I'm moving to

New York. I sit

down and I watch HBO and it's

Janine Garofalo doing her

HBO. She's got her notebook out and

she's doing weird non-sequiturs of

like...

The one joke I remember that just kind of changed the way I

thought about comedy in that moment was

the other day I was in my pickup truck

I'm sorry. And she's doing weird non-sequiturs of like...
The one joke I remember that just kind of changed the way I thought about comedy in that moment was

the other day I was in my pickup truck

outside my apartment making out with my boyfriend

and I thought, I'm fucking 30.

What the fuck am I doing?

And it just, to me, I was like,

so they don't need to be set up punch.

It can be an idea or a thought.

And I sat there and I was like, oh, that's badass.

And I fucking... I like Ch chunky janine a little more you know yeah like she's beautiful now she's really skinny she looks great secret time yeah secret time so uh coolest moment i have in this business i do like a cso special or something congratulations thank you i was really hoping will blow my career up.
I think CISO special or something. Congratulations.
Thank you. I was really hoping it would blow my career up.

I think CISO was also hoping that it would blow anyone's career up.

Yeah.

It's me, Janine Garofalo, John Doerr.

Love John Doerr.

John Doerr.

That's all I remember.

And a lot of other people.

Janine goes on and does 25 minutes of stream of conscious all brand new material nothing that she's ever written and it is fucking gold she's talking about FDR like fucking shit where you're like huh like you're in the back watching someone think watching someone think looking at your notes like well no one's gonna want to hear my selling sunset bit after we're talking about yes yes but we are by the way oh it's a good place of course really good and i go on after her i bomb i bomb i bomb really bad i get off the seesaw room has like a room where it's all seesaw executives i was crazy to say out loud now seesaw executives i go back to the where the hair and makeup was and it's Janine and she's sitting crisscross applesauce in the corner and I go hey what are you doing I don't know her at all she goes I bombed like just she's just a comic she's not Janine Garofalo the movie star she's not Janine Garofalo the fucking personality the fucking said, we all bombed. She goes, I'm embarrassed.
I said, huh? And mind you, this is before any success I've ever had in this business. And I go, you're embarrassed.
And she goes, yeah, I'm embarrassed. I made a fool of myself.
And I went, you're Janine Garofalo. She was like, yeah, I know.
I don't want to go into the green room. I go, Janine, as a comic, I watched what you did.
You're a genius. You're brilliant.
Everything you do is amazing. I'm telling you, you walk into that room, and it makes that green room into a special place.
Yeah. Please walk in with me.
Like, it would be an honor. And she was like, was it bad? And I went, I go, Janine, you didn't see my set.
We walked into that CISO fucking green room and the room lit up. Janine Graffler, holy fuck.
Dude, she's the motherfucker. I'm pretty drunk.
I should leave. No.
You're good, baby. You're good.
I can sit here. Well, let me say this.
Let's tie this bow up. Tie this bow up.
I'm going to say this. You haven't seen my movie? No.
No, I haven't seen it. It wasn't there.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We only put it last night.

We just did it. We just did it.

Like it's Star Wars. It's been out since 1970.

That's so interesting. My movie

premiered on the same night Star Wars did

45 years ago. That's right.

And my dad in the movie is played by

George Lucas. Mark Hamill.

I love Mark Hamill.

For all of our friends at home, all of our bad friends,

if you really want to be a bad friend

please do us a favor

go see the machine now

it would mean a lot

to us and to the community

it's only going to

help us out

I love you guys

I love you

it's so good to see you

I love everyone

in this room

it's so good to be

a part of a community

where we're all friends

and we support each other

and we just want to

see each other blow up

so thank you

go buy a ticket

go buy a ticket

and Bert

say thank you

for being a bad friend

into that camera

thank you for being

a bad friend

I love you. Go buy a ticket.
Go buy a ticket. And Bert, say thank you for being a bad friend into that camera.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

You did put a hole in that.

You fucking...