Star Trek Dating Advice

Hey!

Hey, Bad Friends fans! Baby, we're coming down to Florida. Orlando, Jacksonville.
Orlando, Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood.
We are coming to see you. And then we come back to the West Coast and we do two shows in Riverside and then one in San Diego before we head back to the East Coast.
But come out and see us in Florida. Check us out! Jacksonville, St.
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Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com! You two friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends we want to give a shout out to so many different people look at the stardew valley this is there's a spartan stardew valley marriage pendant i'm gonna give it to somebody one day me me me me, me.
No, no, no, not you, no. Why? Why won't you marry me? You have no puss-puss.
Yes, I do. Yeah, but in the game, don't you marry guys? You marry men in the game.
I've only married one guy. What? What's his name? Elliot.
What's up? What's up, Ellie? What's up, Ellie, bro? And then show the Stardew star that you got from somebody. What does that mean? Someone said that's important, too.
This is a Stardew. This is a um star uh this is a um star drop oh star drop yeah yeah and you um it it enhances your um energy and the young lady that gave it to you said it it does what you don't remember this is my favorite part is testing him about the gifts what did she say it does what something special yeah i just told you no it does something in it's practice it does something practical in the real world Oh, it's a water weight.
Nope. It's a water weight.
Paper weight, I mean. Paper weight.

It changed. you no it does something in its practice it does something practical in the real world oh this yeah oh it's a water weight nope it's a water weight paperweight it changes it's a paperweight changes

color it's a mood it's a mood uh it's got that mood ring thing inside of it where so when you

hold it with your hands it'll change color yeah exactly yeah that's right oh let's see what kind

of mood you're in and then we'll know gray you're gray forever yeah i'm gray forever and then we got

these from a soldier which i want to say thank you to he gave us these pen and for fi so do

I'm going to go puts the flower on the fucking muzzle hell yeah yeah no i don't do that no no i poo poo in there but uh my point is is this um thank you for having me and good to be back it's good to be back here in the studio another thing is um also shout out to all the navajos shout out to all the natives that showed up but mostly navajo is the best navajo we signed more navajo no they did say navajo they said was like they said they were like the japanese that's right yeah yeah. They said Navajo was top.
We had more Navajoians come out. So shout out to my Navajos that came out.
And my Navabros. Which one's the one from the last of the Mohicans? They're my favorite kind.
I have no idea. The ones with the white and the scalp.
Did they all do that? I think it's a universal thing. Is scalping like a universal thing that native people do? Yeah.
How about dancing? Two. Okay.
Who's the best? They don't dance? Is it the darker the native American, the better dancer they are? Probably, yeah, yeah. If they go to the lighter skin natives, are they just shitty dancers? Yeah, and they found turntables with the darker ones.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Rainmaker.
Welcome back, guys. Rainmaker.
Oh, another thing is I wanted, before I forgot, when we're on the road, Juice, do not make fun of my dating style and the way I converse with, you know what I mean, the ladies. Okay, I know what you're referencing.
Yeah, the tea shop. Go ahead and say it.
Don't mock me when I'm doing my style. Where was the tea shop? It was in Spokane, Washington.
Spokane, Washington. Beautiful girl.
Yeah, looked just like Kalilah. Can I say that? Oh my god.
Oh no. She did look identical.
Yeah, I know. He has a type.
I have a type. Yeah.
Identical. Yeah.
Beautiful. Malilah? What was her name? Malilah.
Malilah. Malilah.
Yeah. So Malilah and you hadla and you had some i like halfies yeah you do you know mixed in with a little andrew you know what i mean yeah yeah me and andrew so wait a minute you went to go have some tea with malayla what happened they're hitting it off fireworks no i'm not hitting nothing off i thought so there was some chemistry she's what i liked about her too she's hot but then she's also good at like breaking the ice.
Yeah. So she started the conversation, so I'm like, oh, hello, baby.
What did she say? Hello. Oh, that's hot.
Dude, when they say hello, that's nuts. That's all it takes.
Oh my God. That gets my engine running.
Yeah, yeah. When she said hello, you could hear this.
That's two squirts of cum. You're a little squirty, squirty? Yeah.
And I heard it back from her too i felt being honest oh really yeah they're going back and forth and then out of nowhere bobby like they're really hitting it up conversation go ahead and he goes the thing i like about star trek is how much dilithium crystals there are and i'm like dude and you can and you can hear her literally left to go stock items. She walked away from the conversation.

Yeah, that all the way. Got real dry and tight.

That noise all the way to storage.

I started going to death with the crystals

and then like Jeffrey's tubes

and you're looking at me like,

like you're trying to shake your head like,

stop, stop, stop.

But it didn't stop.

Did she ever say that she liked Star Trek?

No.

Well, why?

Because I always segue into that.

All right, we're on a date.

You and I are on a date. Yeah.
Hi. Thanks for coming to have tea with me in Spokane.
It's rainy. Let me guess.
Your name is Malilah. I mean- Hello.
Hi. You're half gook.
Can you say half gook? Sure. Yeah, yeah.
You're half, you know. I'm goo.
You're goo. Yeah.
Anyway, what's up? You good? Beautiful tea Yeah, thanks Oh, I know why I know why Okay, I know why Yeah, you fucked up this whole date already I already know how it started Now, in the conversation I know why I brought it up Go ahead Can I have Earl Grey? Oh, yeah, I'll get you some Earl Grey tea You know who else drinks Earl Grey? Oh, yeah Yeah Jean-Luc Picard He likes Earl Grey Yeah gray yeah is that a friend of yours no that's star trek next generation one of my favorite shows and then um okay 495 please i know but the dilapidated crystals run you go put in the warp engine here it is take off thank you bye we're closed really yeah so that's how it started that's how it ended too i know well yeah she was stocking items in dry storage is this me she was stocking items in dry storage yeah she was packed up our tea and left yeah but you know what how did you fuck that up because she i apparently she liked she was into you i i think i fuck everything up you don't fuck everything up well in terms of the right now i don't know how to do the ladies well then i take a break. I take a break.
Let's coach you through how to do the ladies. I don't want it, I think.
Oh, okay. Because this guy right here.
No, don't shake your head, man. Casanova, dude.
Ooh, Casanova. I don't know what's up.
Casanova. Casanova, bro.
What did I do? You know, there's a song. Every city we go to, he's got a new lady.
Yeah. I see him in the mornings.
He walks downstairs on the elevator

or whatever with a new lady

around his arms.

I'm always with my backpack.

Stardew Valley.

I gotta play you

a song. We're probably gonna have to take it out.

But this is literally his entire

life. Look at this.

Tell me this isn't him. This is an

old song.

Senorita waiting for me down in old mexico oh by the way this song gets more and more racist as you listen to it he literally is like got a little ching ching chong yeah he really does i swear to god wow he goes ham ricky nelson goes hard in that but he's got girls in city and every place he goes. And now your name is Ricky Nelson.
Okay. Ricky, Ricky.
That's Ricky. Ricky, Ricky.
Ricky, Ricky. But in the song, so he made love to an Eskimo woman? He has a.
I don't know. I don't really.
And he says she keeps you warm in her igloo. That's what he says.
Oh, right. So he goes all of.
He said. How about Mongolians? He says.
Mongolians. I leave her coated in glue while she kept me warm and her in glue.
Whoa, I didn't even hear that part. Yeah, that was in there.
So he'll go Eskimo. Ricky, Ricky goes everywhere, baby.
Ricky, Ricky doesn't discern. But anyway, you know how like in cartoons, the eyes, if someone's dead, they put X's? Yeah.
Your eyes had fucking fingers looking at me. At you like that.
Middle fingers? Fuck you. Yeah.
No way. Every time you do it it you say fuck you to your boss I wanna what I wanna hold your hand I wanna what happened with those girls in Portland you had like four girls with you and you left with all four and then I asked what happened and you were like oh nothing I'm back in the room but you had like a lot of girls with you five I was actually up on the fire escape and I saw you birding around on your scooter around town alone alone no he wasn't alone he took them to the enterprise well one time in Phoenix I almost crashed my fucking scooter because of you because of of me? Oh, because...
I was scooting around. I hear...
And it was her in the car. In the car.
And I saw a wild Bobby. Yeah, a wild Bobby.
When you see a wild Bobby, dude, you gotta take a photo. They're looking at Bigfoot.
It's really exciting. I took a scooter with my cousin and get a burrito at two in the morning that last night in Phoenix.
Yeah. And we went down to South Phoenix and she knows.
Filiberto's? Not so good. Yeah, we to Filibertos.
But honestly, dude, he was like, where is this? I was like, it's not bad. It's down the road.
We got halfway down the street and it was like six cop cars, people screaming at us. I know why you went to Filibertos.
Because when you went to school there, that was good. And then now as an adult because you have money and you've eaten good Mexican food, it was terrible.
It's terrible. Yeah.
I'm the same because we had one in Poway called Alberto's. Yeah, Alberto's, yeah.
I know that. And I drove from LA all the way to Poway two and a half hours just to eat it.
Not worth it. And I had a stomachache.
I'm not joking when I say this. This isn't like for the sake of the show.
Yeah. That night, woke up at 4.30, had to go to the bathroom.
Woke up to catch my flight, went to the bathroom in the hotel, went to the bathroom at the airport, went to the bathroom on the plane, got home, went to the bathroom in the hotel went to the bathroom at the airport went to the bathroom on the plane got home went to the bathroom yeah and i genuinely called my cousin luke and i was like are you okay he's like absolutely not i'm in so he's like dude i'm in so much pain yeah my stomach you eat a california burrito of course it's my favorite dude french fries avocado cheese sour cream carne asada pico gallo. And you pour that salsa.
They make homemade salsa down there, but I gotta tell you, that carne asada was something off the side of the road. Right.
It was roadkill. It was rumbly bumbly in the tumbly.
Even as we were on the scooter, every bump, I was like, whoa, whoa. That's a bad idea, I feel like.
Yeah, I like the taquitos from albertos oh yeah so good with the guacamole yeah but what i realized is that because that was the first time i ever had guacamole what what what do you mean back in you know when i lived when wasn't i in high school the first time was at alberto's at alberto's so i go this is authentic right and it's mixed with 80 sour cream yeah it's all sour cream yeah it's white right but you think This is like from, I'm in Juarez right now, right? And it's mixed with 80% sour cream. Yeah, it's all sour cream.
Yeah, it's white, right? But you think this is like from, I'm in Juarez right now, whatever, right? Authentic, right? And then years later, you have real guacamole and then you eat that shit and it just fucks your body up. By the way, my favorite place in San Diego used to be next to the comedy store.
It was a tiny little fish market called Pescadero or something like that. Yeah, Pescadero, Pescadero.
Yeah, and man. Fish, fish.
And I miss it so much. That was so good.
I used to go there all the time. Now they're too fancy for me.
But we had, I will say this, we had so much fun on the road so far. We have so much more to do.
That was a great leg. And Carlos has been, give him some credit, has been working so hard.
Thank you, guys. I'm serious.
I made him move a couch five times yeah I saw that I made him move a couch from one green room to the other and I go put it back in the other green room he put it back I remember I was there put it on the stage and I want to say this too I never thought you had work ethic me either until the tour I go this lazy uppity bean bean yeah we all talked about it he's worthless that's in my head for the 20 years. You thought he was refried.
Now he's pinto. Oh, you're black bean.
Oh, you're black bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you. You're black bean for sure.
Because then you eat nice. Yeah.
You always get, I'll have a salmon salad. He always has salad.
Yeah, but in real time, you get mad at me for that. Yeah, because it's weird.
Yeah, it is weird. But I want to be- We'll go to a steakhouse.
We're all getting steak, and you're like, I'll just take a salmon salad. That's insanely inappropriate.
So Ricky Blackbean, you're off to a hot start. The next half of the tour is going to be wonderful.
Hell yeah. We hate to tell the fans at home who need to know, the tour got broken up a little bit.
Our videographer McCone got fired on this tour. He will no longer be with us.
He's learning about it right now in studio. Yeah, you're fired.
Yeah. And you're're gonna haha your way on onto the unemployment line idiot so you text me the other day like um hey if you need any help with tiger belly what the fucking guy is trying to be proactive i fucking hate it it's so cute yeah yeah i didn't even respond it's so cute we are gonna hire him full-time we need him for something i have fomoO from this.
Seeing you guys having so much fun on the road. You know, a lot of fans are asking about you.
I thought you would need me, but now saying that you don't. We don't need you at all.
No, it turns out we don't need you at all. In fact, I get that you're missed on the show.
Some people have been asking about you. Oh, yeah.
But the reception they give Carlos is in place of you. Right.
Yeah, yeah. You know? He embodies you.
Carlos is soaking up all that energy. All that love.
I know. Go ahead.
What'd you say? I did flip off everyone in Phoenix, all 4,000 people. Yeah, what was your attitude in Phoenix about? Because I didn't know that you told them to boo me.
I didn't tell them that. I did.
She did. Oh, Jessie did.
Yeah, so then you got all mad about it. In front of Bobby's mom, by by the way People got to meet Bobby's mom in Phoenix She left the side stage shoes

But you know why?

Because of that?

No

Why?

Because I could tell my mom

Once my mom walked on stage

It just dawned on her

That she doesn't want to be up there

Right I saw

Her eyes were

You know what I mean

And she's like

I have to get the fuck out of here

You know what I mean

What is she?

She's top

Filipino

Filipino now

She's Filipino

She switched

Thank you. Her eyes are, you know what I mean? And she's like, I have to get the fuck out of here.
You know what I mean? What is she? She's top to Filipino now. She switched? Yeah.
She just like, and then she disappeared, but she went downstairs and escaped. On her iPad.
On her iPad. You and your mom are so cute.
Before the show, they were on the opposite ends of the couch, buried in their iPad, and you and your Switch. Yeah, both on their devices.
She was shopping for dresses. I said, what are you looking for? She goes, new dress.
Yeah. That's all she said to me.
New dress. In Stardew Valley, he was searching for dresses.
But when I saw my mom do that, I realized what it is and we have the same problem. What is it? We just don't want to be in the moment.
Yeah, you don't want to live it. Why is that? Because, you know, generational trauma really do believe i know i told you about his her aunt right what happened yeah and um she never dealt with that my dad's abuse and so she is she doesn't do drugs but she escapes through being obsessed with bts or buying new dresses new dresses or um why are you laughing she loves watching watching videos.
I saw her watch a bunch of different little videos. And then just being, you know, just not thinking about the moment.
Escapism. Escapism, yeah.
So what does your mom do day to day? Do you even know? She just watches Korean dramas and Googles BTS and probably just plays with her like, badge. Okay.
Oh my God. Watching BTS.
I was hoping you'd say plays with her dog or something. No, no, no.
She doesn't have a dog. Not anymore.
Yeah. But she probably does that.
I mean, it's so funny. You were going to hang an extra day.
I stayed an extra day. You were supposed to stay an extra day, and you didn't.
I couldn't. You didn't want to hang with her? No, because I had a movie to do.
It was Mother's Day. I know, but.
It was literally Mother's Day, and you left. I know, but I shot Monday early in the morning.
I know, but Sunday was literally Mother's Day and you didn't even stay to hang with her on Mother's Day. She doesn't even know it's Mother's Day.
I said happy Mother's Day to my mom and she goes, good night. She doesn't care.
She didn't care about Christmas. She didn't care about my birthday.
She didn't care about any of that. That's why you don't care about any of those things.
Yeah, I don't care. She didn't care.
I don't care. Why don caring you can't care if it's like it's like somebody just texted me today are you watching the hurricanes game i go you're in a hurricane i don't know what the is going on why would someone ask you if you're watching a hockey game that's one by point i don't know you don't like hockey i know but i don't like it's like you know i'm interested in what i'm interested in that's true right and so you how do you get involved in a holiday when you don't care you don't have to i guess yeah no it's true i don't never know what anything is well you do you know when halloween is seriously yeah october 25th yep is it i don't know it starts on the 25th the 31st yeah is it yeah it's whatever i can tell because you see i can tell because you could see like the mexicans and stuff you're Gump.
You are 100% Forrest Gump. I know when it's Halloween.
Everybody dresses real funny. Yeah.
But it's bad when you're in a relationship and you don't know birthdays or holidays or anniversaries. It's always a fight.
All right. Well, check this out.
We have two birthdays coming up back to back. Happy birthday, McCone.
McCone and Juicy. Yeah, Juicy, I mean.
I think my birthday's a travel day. Yeah, you know what the letdown is? These kids think they're going to go to Disneyland in Orlando and it's not going to happen.
I don't think we are. Yeah, we're not going to do it.
Because it's a travel day to get back to L.A. for the Riverside and San Diego shows.
And they would go. You guys can go.
I'm not go I'm not going after Dollywood you know whatever I don't believe in I don't believe in Disneyland or world without kids I think you look creepy I don't want to Dollyworld is in a is a roller coaster park different Disneyland is for children not grown and grown-ups that go alone I'm sure we have Disney fans it's I, I don't get it. It's a little scary to me.
That is for the joy to enjoy. Like, he can take his kid there, right? But if he goes alone, imagine, look at him, fancy.
If you see him strolling around the Magic Kingdom, first thing you think. I know.
Well, look at him. This is the type of guy that would wait in line three times for It's a Small World.
Get off, get back back in line and do it three fucking time. I want to go on the teacups.
Yeah, we can't go on the teacup It's a small world by the way is a bullshit right? I'll tell you why it's supposed to be representing the world, right? Yeah, so you see like Eskimos up there's like eight of them, right? Then you see like Denmark or the Netherlands, right? There's like 20.

But then when you go to China, there's seven.

Well, they could.

Would we want a billion?

No, but I'm just saying make it 40.

And then I realized what.

You sound like you're working for the Chinese government.

And I'll tell you what.

I realized when I was last time I was.

I realized what it was.

They were in the water because of the earthquake.

They're down. They're doing this.
I'm they're doing this because it's the only explanation it's like i want it to be reflective yeah of the population my favorite was the pirates of the caribbean ride yeah because they are perverse they're like nice boobs young lady yeah they are creepy yeah have you ever heard some of those no No. They literally say creepy stuff.
Yeah, they do.

They go, great cans, my lady.

They used to say stuff like that when we were kids.

Really?

They would say, lick my port side.

Oh, that's not that blue.

No, kids don't know.

Kids don't know the difference.

But you guys can go if you want to go.

If you want to go, you can go.

But I'm telling you, I'm not going to go.

I hate it.

Do you really want to go for your birthday?

No, I'll sit on the plane for my birthday.

We'll buy you tickets.

We'll buy you guys tickets.

I'll get you a Fast Pass.

Thank you. But I'm telling you, I'm not going to go.
I hate it. Do you really want to go for your birthday? No, I'll sit on the plane for my birthday.
We'll buy you tickets. We'll buy you guys tickets.
I'll get you a FastPass. But we're not going.
We're not going. I love you guys so much.
I'm glad I'm working for you guys. There's so many people I could have ended up working with.
And I think about it every day. You're saying it like you have a gun to your head.
Yeah. Like a hostage situation.
Like say it fucking. Let me take it back.
Yeah, say it real, dude. Say it real.
Say it real. Say Say it real Say it real Say it real Now Man I love you guys so much Okay Bespoke Post You know Bespoke Post is my favorite You know why? Box of Awesome I love Box of Awesome If you have a friend Or a loved one That has a birthday Or a Christmas gift A Box of Awesome Is the best gift You can give anybody I just want to open A Box of Awesome live Do it please do it Because I gift.
A box of awesome is the best gift you can give anybody. I just want to open a box of awesome live on the show.
Do it, please do it. Because I just got this box of awesome, by the way.
Yeah. And what do we got in here? A Lumi light bulb with flicker-free sleep.
Incredible. This is the coolest thing about getting this.
You got Gravity Razors. Most of the stuff that comes in your box, by the way, is being sourced from small companies like mom and pop type stuff that you're supporting.

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I'm going to go ahead. Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you.
They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Yeah, and the best part is it's not just for you.
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You'll remember, do more with Viator. Can I just say this? McCone.
Yes. Right? Scum.
No more caviar for you. Dude, first of all, okay, time out.
Have we talked about caviar yet? No. And you gave this, you gave him caviar.
No, let me say something. He does not deserve caviar.
I ordered it for myself did I not say all how the caviar yes he did put my finger up right and I had my nose off to the sky why did you give him some and then this guy was like you know I never had what you've never had caviar no I've had french fries. Maybe one day you'll get it.

That's what I would have said.

And then guess what he made me do?

Three times.

I made it for you.

Oh, he made you put it on the little thing?

Dude, I picked up the bread.

I put the fucking creme fries.

He did it on purpose

because he wanted control over the caviar amount.

I can't stand this kid.

I can't stand you right now.

You just fucking ratted me out.

What the fuck did you say? Say it again. But you know it's true.
That's not true. You didn't want him getting a big old scoop of it.
Because he doesn't know how much to put on. Right, and he's not going to appreciate it anyway.
If he gets too much caveat, he's just going to be like, this is okay. And you know, he did one of these because he wants to be sophisticated, but he ate it and he did one of these.
He went, mmm. He de Niro'd it? Yeah.
You don't like it, bitch. That's a good caveat.
Yeah. If you don't like it, you don't like it.
You didn't like it? Because he wants to be. That was a different thing we ate earlier.
What? Here's another thing you fucking did, you idiot. And I.
Moron. I love you, though.
But he gets wine. Right.
And in a movie or I don't know who taught him this, but to stir it. Right.
He swirled itled it? He not swirled it one time. Forever.
For 20 minutes the whole time. Idiot.
He was just sitting there eating the caviar, just swirling this wine. And I'm like, I think you just swirl it a couple times.
I'm not a wine drinker. By the way, cut to when we fire him and he's living on the streets and we see just a crazy kid under a bridge just swirling nothing.
Just his hand like this in the air swirling nothing. His own piss.
Yeah. His own piss.

It's insane.

Last night,

I didn't rap

until three in the morning.

Yeah,

you're shooting

a Bill Burr movie.

Congratulations,

Bobby's shooting a movie.

It's nuts.

That's huge.

Anyway.

Written and directed

by the legend Bill Burr.

What more do you want?

You look badass too.

I saw the pictures.

Yeah,

it was cool.

But we're out in New Orleans. You know, in the Dark Knight, the original, I think the first movie, Batman Begins.
You know, that whole shipyard container kind of. Were you in like San Pedro or something? Yeah, we're in San Pedro.
Yeah. And we're in like a ship.
It was like, they had this moody smoke light and I had guns. That's so cool.
It was so cool. And Bill's like, do it again.
You know what I mean? Do it do it again yeah and he was so like as a direct I mean because you know when you're being directed by a guy like that you you look up to and you know I mean it's intimidating it's not no not because he's my friend but there is a weird thing where it's like you know when he's giving you notes you're like you know I gotta do it right you don't want to fuck it up if it's some guy's some TV director, I was like, I'll try my best, but you know what I mean? But with him, I don't want to fuck up. There was just a certain kind of pressure.
It was cool, dude. He was so cool.
What's the name of the film? I can't tell. I'll talk about it.
I don't even know what to talk about. Well, we can talk about you're shooting a movie with Bill.
That's fine. Did you know your lines this time? Dude, this guy.
Yeah. Why don't you go back to your baby? This guy's attitude, Bobby is doing.
No, no Bobby is doing I don't even know what he means Let me tell you something You fancy fuck Don't ever talk to me like that again Number one I've been nice to you Number two That was uncalled for And also In what circumstance did I not know my lines? The Esther movie. Exactly.
But can I say something to this, all right? Yeah. I did not know my lines.
And also, it wasn't that I didn't know my lines. It was that particular movie, First Day, it's me and the director.
We have a history and there was a give and take and it was just an, it was it had nothing to do with the lines man yeah no no no but what i'm saying to you shut the fuck up too all right fuck you dude and then you know you you know i was so proud of you when you had the fucking baby and shit calling you congratulations go fuck yourself man right on sit and stewing it dude you throw a joke out there how How dare you do that? You're going to get shot at in this studio.

Oh, my God.

What?

Disrespectful, too.

Carlos knows.

He's microdosing right now, by the way.

That's why I know he's being so quiet.

We got some gifts.

Oh, yeah.

And he's microdosing for sure.

I haven't taken any of your gifts.

But you didn't take any microdose?

You ate any of the chocolates? You ate some of the chocolates? I had some of the chocolate already how did you like them it's been good cookies by Carol yeah I've been eating more than the microdose though well you're eating to get high can I tell you what I was going to do when the cookies came I was going to pretend that I didn't know what cookie I ate oh that's horrible well we. Well, we made sure because I didn't want to give you substance.
But that was dangerous. That it was near you.
Yeah, I was like, how can I sneak in a cookie? No. And pretend.
You don't even like mushrooms. You said you never liked mushrooms.
I love shiitake mushrooms and portobello. Yeah, but not psychedelic.
I know. But I like mushrooms in general.
Yeah, me too, but you don't like psychedelic. I I do I just I just yeah it's just you don't need that but I mean there was a split second my alcoholism was like here's a window but I didn't do it well you know what makes it hard to not have alcohol and I'm trying to temper myself on the road but McCone every single day can we get can we get more beer do you think we get more beer for the bus by the way polished off two of my whiskey bottles two of my whiskey bottles and then i gave the crust um the stage hands i said you guys there's beer and booze in that fridge have at it what do i see he's taken one home he took one home and how do i know he took one home because i went in his hotel room because the idiot lost his airpods and goes i think i love my airpods yeah we'll get to it and then i went in his room by the way i went in his room with door wide open door was open latched open no airpod whiskey bottle drank this much and then left the whole thing so it could have been a gift for somebody else you ruined it and then on top of that the idiot finds his airpods after bobby bought him brand new airpods this is a i just thought i thought about that for the last couple days right and i believe this is true i believe he always he always had his airpods he wanted new ones that is very interesting and because when i gave him the new so mcung goes i lost my airpods and he was like panicking about it so you know me being bobby lee and being the nicest guy in the world i thought i'm gonna get new ones so we you know i had a runner go buy them.
Right?

And so... Bobby Lee and being the nicest guy in the world, I thought, I'm going to get new ones.
So I had our runner go buy him. Right? So they said, I got him.
When I handed him, I don't know if you were grateful or the smile on your face was like, I got this guy. Now did you go from, we can't really hear you, so we'll repeat it.
Did you have regular AirPods or pros okay so what did i buy you airpod pros so here's what's annoying this idiot lost gen one airpods and we bought him four hundred dollars or five hundred i don't know how much they are they're like 275 okay that's 275 too much yeah we should have gotten the wire the best kind no we should have got him the wired he deserves wired headphones yeah yeah and then so was it a trick because I'm not falling for it again if you say I lost my iPad I'm not gonna fucking buy you anything yeah if you come to us and you're like I lost my mom and dad yeah I'm not gonna go to fucking China we're not finding you nude parents and get it cheap can you find parents you can find kids can you buy parents you can buy parents yeah countries that you can buy. I would love to adopt some parents.
Well, what kind of parents should we adopt? Shit, man. I would probably get the kind that was like, I'd probably go black.
You go black and out? Nigeria or something. Nice.
Yeah. I think.
What age range are we talking? My parents? Yeah. How old are the parents you're going to adopt? I want them around for a while, so about 25, 26 These are my parents These are my parents Imagine like these tall, skinny, young black people As my parents Nobody would question it This is Untuku and Maya And Maya? Nice to meet you guys You guys are who to Bobby? They're my parents.
What do you mean? Let me, Maya and Tuku, hold on, I'm mom and dad, I mean, right? These are my parents. I'll speak on their behalf.
Sorry about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So these are my parents. You're, you're, I adopted them.
You're diverse casting your own family. That'd be cool.
That's smart. Yeah.
I'd love to get my, buy my own parents. Buy cousins.
Buying a family would be actually awesome. If you could buy a family online to start over again, let's say you're somebody who never had any connective tissue to your real parents you never knew them or they died or you're adopted why can't you buy into a family let's start a business like a website we'll sell families the cheaper ones are like second cousins yeah yeah yeah $10 for a second cousin but like if you want a real good.
You want a sister? Oh my God. A hundred grand.
And then if. That's the ugly one.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's the low end sister. Well how long.
Are there contracts? How long do these siblings last? Forever. Oh you get them for life.
Unless they die. I think it's a yearly subscription.
Oh shit. I never thought of it that way.
This is the business. You buy into the family.
Yeah. I never.
Right. so like if you don't pay your yearly subscription, they just leave.
They disappear. They just take off to a new family.
And they have suitcases and you're like, where are you guys going? They're like, you didn't pay. We should do a family subscription service where if you're out there and you're lonely, you want a family, you never had brothers, sisters, or cousins, or uncles and aunts, you can buy them from us.
From Bad Friends Family, BFF, your BFF for life. What's a big brother? Tell me what a big brother is.
A big brother is someone who, I was going to do that program. A big brother is when you, usually it's underprivileged kids who need guidance, influence, and you.
Why don't they have big uncles? That's kind of the same thing. No, it's not.
Because a big uncle is blacking out of the bar. Yeah.

He's a little creepy.

Hey, meet me at Hooters.

I'll teach you about life.

Yeah.

That's the big uncle.

The big uncle.

They should have big everything.

They should have big everything.

Big mama?

Well, they do.

Oh, who's big mama? Martin Lawrence shows up every time.

That's big mama to your phone door.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Martin.

Yeah, so we should...

So on our website,

we have big people too.

What do you mean?

Oh, I thought you meant big people.

Do you get to pick the size?

You should.

It's like, you know...

Curated?

Going to those...

What are those petty...

Where you go to get the doll...

Build-a-bear.

Build-a-bear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Build-a-parent.

Build-a-friend.

Build-an-uncle. That's how great it would be with a build-a-bear build a bear.
By the way, build a brother would be so cool. Where there's compartments.
You go into a store. Now, do you trade in your old one? Like your brother Steve, do you swap him in for something else? Like it's a lease? That'd be cool.
Would you trade him in? Yeah. Imagine you go to trade him in and they're like, we can get almost nothing for this.
This thing is used. Anything? I'm sorry, man.
This one's pretty damaged. Yeah, but you could sell them for parts.
You can see the nicks all over this thing. I mean, this thing is...
Maybe $5 off your next brother. Max.
Or if you could bring your brother to the store and go, I want to just change one thing. I would change the breath.
You'd swap the breath. I'd swap the breath out.
Now, is this a shot at someone in the studio? No, my brother Steve. Okay.
Hey, hey, hey. Put the gun down.
Carlos? Okay, so Carlos. If we swapped out a Carlos? Let's swap a Carlos.
What would I do? I would go to the hair department. You want one with the hair department.
And get like a nice little, fill that in. A little tuft.
Upgrade. You know what? He just needs an upgrade.
Do you have a software update? We need to run you through. in a little tuft upgrade we'll just up you know what he just needs an upgrade do you have a software update we need to run you through just a little taller and more hair that's it i think you're perfect just the way you are and i mean that thanks by the way when when burt chrysher takes off his shirt on stage people lose their mind when this kid takes off his hat they go fucking crazy it's amazing taking anything off is ape shit well and you know what and i promised you and I promised you no more swapping shirts.
We know that last leg, no one. No, I know.
Somebody did say it. She did.
And she said, please can I have your shirt? And then you. Immediately I said what I said.
You said, I'm not doing that anymore. Yeah.
That's what you said. Yeah.
And I said, he's not doing it. And then she said, can you make Andrew give me his shirt? And you go, he actually really likes that shirt.
And I love you for that. Because I really love that shirt.
Yeah. Because that's not what you did for me the last time yeah but we switch do we switch we're back to square i know i know we're all good i was letting you know this is how you're supposed to behave in that situation i'm being good i'm coaching you you're coaching me i'm making sure your butthole is facing away from the audience that's true i'm blocking it bobby you know we talked about it we got in trouble 10 grand shown his butthole in atlanta we're not doing anymore now the buttholes are always at stage.
But even this butthole in Phoenix, I turned around to the side of the stage to see my mom, because my mom was sitting on the couch. Yeah.
Yeah, she was. Yeah, yeah.
So I turned around, and you know what I mean? And she's looking at me, and I, I, I, I. You're not going to like this.
What? But she had binoculars. She was staring right into it.
Just like that is.

By the way, we had a couple of great responses from some of the fans.

We had one girl when we said, give us one nickname for your vagina or one word that describes it.

And the funniest one, one girl said long and I died.

That's so funny. Long was the funniest.

I've been thinking about that.

She goes, I'm 5'10".

Yeah, of course it's long.

I go, is it a penis?

She goes, no, no, it's just super long.

But is the lips long?

I think it's- Oh, the canal's long. The length is long.
I like long. Well, I know.
I just don't like a drip dripping down like squid legs. You know what I mean? Like Ren from Ren and Stimpy, you know, like drippy lips? Do you want that? Squid legs? What? I mean, I'm fine with whatever.
I know you are. Yeah, we know you are.
We know. Oh, my God.
you we know my god no no you know what i didn't want to say that's how you're successful you have discernible taste it's not like you you're actually picky you don't go after uh but literally if there was tentacles coming out like a squid you would still do it no that's well dude tentacle porn is a thing for a reason somebody somebody must like must like that. Yeah.
You know, somebody must get into that kind of thing. Yeah.
And by the way, I have never had one interaction from my youth where I got naked with a woman and saw and was like, no, I've never done that. I've never gone.
Oh, no, never. So you're going to do it anyway.
Have I said, what do you mean? If you're both naked and let's say you see that she's just long lips lenore and she's dragging the floor you're still gonna go through with it yeah but that's like jumping like you're skydiving you're already jumping it out you can't hold on to the plane you know you're already in the air you're away from the right you're like i'm in it i'm out i gotta do yeah i have to finish yeah that's what looking at a vagina is like i hear but on this but in this case you don't pull the ripcord you know i've done the floor and die i've done it i've gotten back in the plane before with escorts whoa well so when you get an escort you don't like the way it is and you say no thank you i just have so many times where i've seen an escort and i'm like i shouldn't have done this i'm people pleasing right now but like there's a couple times he's like who are you coming into i know how are you no it No, you can people please because I get there and the girl's not as hot. You saw it and you're like, I'm not paying for this.
You paid already and then, yeah, give them the money. I feel bad and I'm like, I'll just do it.
Oh, you're doing them a service? No, like I, because I want to fucking leave and she's not as like attractive as I thought. Why don't you be a man and go, hey, why don't you take the money for your time? I appreciate you.
I've done that. And then go, I think I'm going to go on my way.
I just don't feel comfortable having sex right now. And how grateful they would be.
They'd be like, I didn't want to have sex with you either. Okay, I'm not such a bad client.
No, no, no. I'm just saying, they probably are tired because I know you get girls that are just rifling through people.
You're not getting premium. You're getting some girl that just came from another appointment.
No, there's no chance you're getting a girl that's fresh for the day. You're getting fourth or fifth round.
You you're not a top round pick you're not round one you're going sixth or seventh round yeah i'm not drake of course well that's what i'm saying so she's tired she doesn't want to fuck you either let her go yeah but i don't want to have to pay for i don't want to have to give the money and then be like i'm out oh it's a money thing that's yeah i'm not gonna leave yeah it's a money thing with you oh no it's not that's so shallow you You already got them naked thing. You already got them naked.
Like TGI Fridays. I paid for the meal.
We didn't even eat the fly meal. Yeah, we didn't even eat it.
And that's the same thing. It's the same thing.
We saw a fly in our chips, and that's like you seeing the escort. A fly in the vagina.
Oh, I do have something to tell you guys. Here we go.
Oh my God. I'm excited.
And this is brand new, brand spanking new news, all right? Okay. In Louisville, I didn't tell anyone this, but I did have an escort come to the hotel.
So we can add a girl to that number. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait, we didn't even have a hotel in Louisville. He got a, you got a hotel.
No. Wait.
What city was it then? See, I'm forgetting. You don't even know what city was it.
Louisville was the fly in the TGF. I think it was the one.
When did we go do the ADR for Magnum? Oh, that was when we were in Charlotte. Charlotte.
Yeah. There you go.
Oh, yeah. Charlotte.
No, no. Durham.
Durham. We went from Durham to Raleigh.
Yeah. She had a thick southern accent.
Yeah. Yeah.
So you got a little friend of the night in Raleigh. Yeah.
And she like showed up and she was all ratchet. I was like, oh no, they're all going to know.
She showed up through the wrong door. Oh my God.
And I literally had to be like, cover up. To the Marriott.
Yes. I was like, cover up.
You know what's insane? That night, I went for a ride on the scoot to Duke. You know I went and scooted to Duke.
I remember Duke. Yeah.
And when I came back, I saw a little lady of the night. No.
I swear to God, but I didn't think much of it because I felt like that area had a couple of ladies roaming around. Well, this was from the internet.
I didn't go on the street, but yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah. But she might have been waiting for her sister to pick her up.
She had like really tattered dark hair, really like tattery, like stringy dark hair. Yeah.
You might have seen my girl. Mm-hmm.
Did you do it? Yeah. It was, I mean it was i mean la is obviously the best but bad boy it was just fun let me ask you what did the lady of the night cost in durham uh for i just gave her 300 bucks what do you mean she didn't ask for money you just well i mean it's pretty low in durham 300 no it's not legal no it's not legal if he gets arrested do we get in trouble no of course not okay Okay.
No, but we leave him in the city. No, no, no.
We will leave you there. Yeah.
No bail. What are you talking about? No bail.
You wouldn't help me? You think we want, on our record, bailing out? No. That doesn't go on our record.
No. No, you pay for what you did.
All right. You're right.
You're right. My bad.
My bad. It's a bad boy.
You serve your time like a man. You're right.
You get out on the other side and you learn a skill. Find Jesus and you make a couple i hope you get like assaulted in prison that's right you know i know because i went to jail for the xanax thing really quickly and i went to core your mom and your dad i met them they know i've been to jail it's just i feel so that your parents are just so normal and you know what the worst part is and i met your sisters like Like, what happened to you? His father shook my hand.
Yeah, like a man. Looked in my eyes and goes, thank you so much for taking care of Carlos.
What you've done for him has been instrumental. And I said, you know what? You got a great kid on your hands.
Meanwhile, you're out throwing $300 at somebody upstairs at the Marriott. You're a bad boy.
I shook your father's hand. That's not a bad thing.
I gave a woman money for a service. And now she.
He doesn't want you doing that. No.
Now she gives back to, you know, the economy. I created a job.
She's buying crack. That girl bought crack.
But also, can I say this? By doing that behavior, you're perpetuating trauma. You are.
Oh, my gosh. No, you are.
You don't want. There's a feminist argument to this okay let me tell you something go ahead we're pro we're pro sex work we believe in safety yeah and so let's say that a so did she safety b b you really want to make up for some of your faults all right for some of the ways you've treated these girls and said go home or whatever i'm over it i never said that okay i want you to get you know what in the next city we go to i do want you to get somebody and I want you to not have any sort of relations with them.
Give them money and say, I want you to use this to get back on your feet to get out of this position. Yeah, $1,000.
No, $2,000. $2,000.
That's a really high-end sport. $3,000.
Keep talking and it's going to go up. No sex though.
No touching. Yeah.
Whoa. Did you just throw a gun at us? I don't know why that happened.
Holy shit, you a gun at us, man. You threw a gun.
Hostile. Hostile.
And he did it with his Mexican mind. With his Mexican mind.
You're a Mexican X-Men, dude. That was crazy.
He went like that. He just went...
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For more information, go for the people.com slash bad friends or dial pound law pound five to nine from your cell phone. That's for the people.
F-O-R for the people.com slash bad friends or pound law pound five to nine from your cell is a paid advertisement. Would you ever get a male escort? I don't think I could.
Why? Let's get you one on the road. You don't have to do anything with them.
Black. I would love to go to like a Thunder Down Under show.
Let's take her to one. Let's go.
I would love to go. With you guys would be so fun.
But we have to pretend we're. You know what the problem is? You know what just happened? What? You and I both got so excited for that.
Our fans. We got to calm that down.
I know. Because the fans are like, they're gay.
And we're not. But we do get really excited.
Yeah, we are. We kind of are.
Because when she was like Thunder, we both went, oh, let's go. Strip club? Not interested.
Thunder down under? Also, that night you showed me your asshole. It was too long.
What? What do you mean? How long it was open? He got a long asshole? You spread your butthole. I was sitting there.
I held it. And for a comedy joke, two seconds.
It goes like this. It goes, one butthole, two butthole, close it.
Close, right? Yeah, you're right. It was three seconds.
I went, one butthole, two butthole, three butthole. I counted the freckles, nine by the way.
You know Orion's belt? The stuff? It's back there. If you look at my asshole long enough, you can see it.
Bobby sat down and drew it like Leo in Titanic. Yeah, yeah.
It was too long, dude. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I think you were buzzed.
I was a little buzzed. You were buzzed, so you just did it for...
I opened up a little. Yeah.
By the way, you just jumped in my mind something else that I saw today. Is it Bill Pullman was in Titanic? Bill Pullman? Yeah, Bill Paxton.
He passed away. I know.
He told a story that I saw probably on a podcast online from a clip that was from years ago. Did you guys know that the soup on set was spiked with PCP? Have you heard this story? Wow.
No insane him and James Cameron um they're gonna go eat food and every day he had gone out for lunch because the catering wasn't his favorite and he was like I'm just gonna go out for lunch I don't really want to and Cameron was like I just I kind of want to get some of this chowder like I just let's get chowder and we'll go talk and whatever he comes down they both getder. They have some, he goes back to his office.
Bill goes back to his room. He starts, he gets knocked on the door and somebody's like, Hey, are you feeling okay? And he's like, yeah.
And he's like, well, a lot of people are not doing so well from the chowder. And he was like, well, I mean, I think I'm fine.
I've been drinking water. I mean, we'll see.
He thinks, oh man, the chowder went bad. I'm going to have, I'm going to have the two ends.
No, 150 people got dosed with pcp on the set of titanic oh my god and he runs over to james cameron and is like how are you feeling and cameron was like i think something's going on like i'm feeling it and he goes he goes i knew how to beat it he goes i'm i'm really high right now so he goes i'm just gonna go drink a case of beer and go to bed and that's what he did he went and bought a case of beer and chugged it until he got so drunk he fell asleep to beat the acid. But they never caught the guy, never found out who did it, but he dosed the clam chowder and catering.
And 150 people on the set of Titanic had to go to the hospital because half these people didn't know what was going on. Tripping on acid.
We should do that. PCP is one of those drugs where you run through walls and stuff too, right? No, no.
PCP is... Psychedelic.

It's acid.

Yeah, it's like hard psychedelic.

No, but you would hear it's like,

that guy was on PCP

and he ran through a wall.

I mean, I used to hear stories like that.

No, but isn't PCP acid?

Am I crazy?

It's different.

It's different.

Yeah, PCP gives you like super strength.

Super strength.

People lift cars on it.

It's called pixie dust.

Oh, right, right.

It's also known as dust.

Yeah, angel dust.

Sorry, that's right.

My bad.

And they went...

But it causes hallucinations, right?

That's right. It's also known as dust.

Yeah, angel dust.

Sorry, that's right.

My bad.

But it causes hallucinations, right? So yeah, you hallucinate like crazy.

Phenoclidine, phenochloropathyperdine.

That's scary.

It's angel dust.

Yeah, disassociative anesthetic.

Mainly use recognition and significant mind-altering effects.

So these people were all dosed out of their minds on PCP.

That's awesome.

How, dude?

That would have been great.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Imagine that Titanic

if they kept filming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They lift the boat

back out of the water.

It's fine!

Yeah.

They just fixed the whole.

I'm the king of the world!

That's what it is.

Leo running on water.

I'm the king, Jesus Christ!

I don't know why

that reminded me of it.

Oh, but going back,

Thunder Down Under,

we are going to go,

Let's take a trip to Vegas and we'll go to Thunder Down Under. Holy shit.
That would be so fun. We should do a bad friend show in Vegas in the fall.
No, I want to do it. We should do a bad friend show in Vegas in the fall.
We should go to Thunder Down Under. In fact, if we really have balls, we should bring them on the stage for our show.
Oh my God. Maybe I'm giving away a secret that we don't want to have out to the world.
Because maybe we would make that happen. Maybe we could.
Do they like, Thunder Down Under, do they like give lap dances? I think so. Of course.
To like a few select women. Can we get one? Uh-huh.
No, I'm not kidding. Hey, hey.
Yeah. I don't want one.
But how would, I mean. No, they get super dirty.
They get dirty. They'll dance right up.
They'll pull women on stage and they'll put their balls right in their face. Oh, yeah.
Like real balls. Have you seen Magic Mike? Yeah, what do you mean? Their balls.
They don't have like a second set of balls. I would have like joke balls.
You just have four balls? Just two red joke plastic balls. So you tuck your real ones and you have your fake balls.
Yeah, I don't want my real balls out there. I want like beautiful prosthetic balls.
They keep them their pants, but they're rubbing them. You've done this before? I've seen all the Magic Mike movies.
Is it like some strip clubs, they'll whisper when they're giving me a lap dance, it's like, for a little extra, I'll drink it off. I don't think they do that.
But I've never been. They do that.
What do they do at Thunder? They're like, for a little extra, I'll let you blow me. No, they you blow me No they like throw you in there Oh yeah Oh yeah they're strong When you're watching trans porn Not that I have Go on Not that I have But there's just one I saw You gotta check them out Yeah yeah yeah There's one that I check out She's beautiful Yeah I mean.
I mean, just stunning. Go on.
Right?

And she or they, I don't know.

Whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

They are getting their penis sucked.

Right?

And if I stroke a little bit watching it,

what does that make me?

Not that I did.

Not that I did.

But you're asking for permission?

No, I'm not asking for permission.

I was just thinking it. Permission to launch.
I did it. I did But you're asking for permission No I'm not asking for permission I was just thinking it Permission to launch I did it I did it I did it It's fantasy It's not real It's not real But if you see a straight porn With a man fucking a woman And you stroke to that Same thing Same thing You're gay Look same saying you're gay Oh I'm gay So what if you're gay have you watched porn and masturbated porn yeah not disney films but porn i've never seen it that's but i'm excited to watch porn i've never seen it yet but i'm but i am excited to start it i mean andreas have you do you watch porn to masturbate what you guys are just fucking fuck with of course i do what do you mean of course he does what do you ever watch anything weird or like oh this is a little uncomfortable i've watched yeah you know i've talked about it on the show i think i've anime i've saw i like anime okay okay i told you what i really like or i used to like i don't watch anymore but i used to see i used to like uh uh uh uh oh man what is the one it's a it's a it's an anime um under...
Under... Underwhere? Overwatch.
Overwatch. Overwatch.
It's like mutants with 40 dicks. And they're fucking like 40 chicks.
It's rad. It is? It's rad.
And it arouses you. It's just fun.
Because I'm sick of the old like, oh no, I'm stuck in the dryer. It's like she's not stuck in the dryer.
Right.

Fake. Do you do it as a woman? Do you watch porn? Or do you use your imagination?

I'll do both but

I will watch porn sometimes. By yourself

watching it? Yeah by myself.

Do you use a machine?

Yeah I use a machine.

It's weird to call it a machine.

What is it called?

A vibrator. How many toys do you have? One.
One seems safe. Do you have toys? Yeah.
What kind? Oh, yeah. I mean, you name it, I got it.
No, I'll be real. You name it! No, be real.
Do you have- Balls, stalls, calls, balls. I got, what do I have? I have cock ring, vibrating cock ring.
Love those. You have a vibrating cock ring? I've got two of them.
Do you really? Yeah. Yes, I do.
It goes to the bottom or just where the top is? Imagine I just leave it on the head. He can do those.
No, it goes to the bottom. Does it have a...
It's got a little vibrator at the bottom. I understand.
Oh, it's for her. Well, you can flip it.
Look, you can flip it up at the top so it touches her clit,

or you can put it down below so it tickles kind of her, you know, the asshole.

But does it make your penis vibrate?

It's on my dick.

Okay, good.

But it's super fun.

I love it.

Vibrating cock ring is one of my favorites.

I mean, they're so, and they're silicone, so they're not,

I don't have like a, like I think, I think in the,

back in the day it used to be like an actual hard ring.

No thanks. Give me the silicone ones.
It's easy to slide on and off I have like 15 things What do you got? You have pocket pussies But not just I have the ones that you charge And Dilithium crystals That's what you put it in He puts it in his ass Wait a minute Yeah there's an enterprise logo On the side When you come You have to Yeah yeah yeah plug it into the wall yeah I charge them wow so in your wall sockets are phone chargers vibrator chargers vape chargers my pocket pussy and my switch go into one thing yeah so I have those just like Nintendo Imagine the game developers at Nintendo, they have a Switch that also has a pocket pussy

charger on the side.

But every year I get a new one because I want to know what the technology is like.

And they get better and better.

They sure do, don't they?

So there's like, you know, they have, you know, buttons and stuff.

And what it does is there's vibration and also suction.

You press a button and it just sucks it out. Really? sucks yeah it pulls your penis in okay i'll admit something what you want an admittance on this show there we go i've never admitted this but i'll admit it to you guys one time we got sex toys for the show we got like uh do you remember this fancy what did we get we got like we got sex toys We got like a little butt a little butt a little like a button a pussy a silicone one

And I was like, I'll throw these away

Would you go your trunk get ready yeah, I used it at the studio here at the old studio. Oh you did I did

Yeah, late at night late one night after whiskey ginger. I was recording in the old studio.
Yeah, and I recorded it

Gators is still there. What are you doing, dog? So good.
After my guest left, I wish I remember who it was, but it was after the guest left, I was in the room doing stuff on my computer, and this was like an hour, two goes by, and I was like... Dude, I've been in that room.
I know. With your glass of whiskey, one candle burning.
I was just on my computer and then the box was on the floor and I was like, you know, it's not going to get used. And you know how weird this is? I went to the bathroom where we kept baby wipes in the bathroom and I just wiped it.
Even though it was fresh, it was never touched. George might have used it.

What?

George might have used it before.

Eskimo brother.

Oh, man.

I knew it tasted weird.

Imagine me going down on a silicone.

No, but I took it out of the...

I saw the box.

It was looking right at me.

Almost like the whole time.

Every time I would type like...

And the box was like...

Come on. So I did.
I tried it. And honestly...
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm it i'm gonna but no i'm really i'm gonna go to the hospital i'm gonna a new one tonight. Let's go to the sex store together.
Really? No. Inappropriate.
No. You're my daughter.
That's insane. Also, I want to also, I forgot to mention.
I feel like a creep going by myself. McCone, Carlos, or Jesse, did you guys rat me out from the pool? No.
No. I told you.
I can't believe we haven't talked about this on the show. Nope.
So let about it everyone at home keeps asking did has anybody pooped on the bus well guess what somebody pooped on the bus and you wouldn't believe who it is all right soon next week to find out so i eat something we're driving on the bus you know and our driver's driving we're in the middle of nowhere i'm laying there and i have this have this ache in my stomach. Like a pinch.
Right? And I'm like, oh, fuck that. I sit up.
And I'm crulled over. It was so painful.
And I was gone. For the record, I was still in Denver, right? That's when you guys went through.
Yeah, you were in Denver. So I stayed in Denver.
And I did an opening, which is a fart. When you invited.
You invited someone over to the party. The prelude.
My butthole said, hello. The prelude, right.
My butthole says, hello. That's the forward.
And the pooh goes, we're here. We're here.
Oh, wait. No, no, I haven't cleaned up yet.
No, no, you guys can't come in yet. No, no, no.
Yeah. We're here.
We're here. And then like, I'm telling my butthole, don't.
Shut the fuck up, right? And all of a sudden, they're at the door. You know, it reminded me of it me of it remember when you know all those people showed up at you know Bilbo Baggins house you know how those dwarves just show up knock and then they're like eating in the every time this guy that's what it reminded me of there's just one dwarf after another showing up so you had to shit because we were on and i was gonna go can you pull over but i looked out the window we're in forest just forest and i go all right i'm gonna get in trouble so i took a shit and it smelled immediately you know our road matters was right it just stunk up the fucking place yes because the septic tank is right below where you guys sleep yeah it smelled like the worst i flush i baby wipe my butthole i lay there and i laid there for like four hours like a fucking vampire and i was just with my eyes over going i don't know it's like the telltale heart you heard the heart beating for the rest of the bus and then all of a sudden the shit was just like we're down here you're not getting rid of us Bobby and then all of a sudden- The shit was just like, we're down here.
You're not getting rid of us, Bobby. And then all of a sudden, I smell chlorine.
Yeah, that's how I woke up. That's how I- Yeah, I kind of dozed up.
I woke up and there's chlorine and- Bleach. It's bleach.
Bleach, yeah. And the bus driver, our buddy, cleaned it.
Like he's cleaning up a murder. Like a murder.
He's mopping. So I tell these three- Well, he had to unload the tank.
He has to get rid of it somewhere. He had to go to I feel so bad.
Yeah, a septic drop because it can't stay in the tank. I feel so bad.
And so then I tell Carlos, McCone, Andrews, I go don't tell Andrew. But I took a shit on the bus.
Well, you told me privately, you said don't tell anybody. But you told that to all of us except for Andrew.
Yeah, this guy's the don't tell everybody. Don't tell everybody.
Well, no, because I want to be the fucking- So here's who knows. I'm Paul Revere.
I want to be Paul Revere. I'm telling everyone.
Well, let me tell you something. You took a midnight ride, didn't you? I did a midnight ride.
And then now we're at the venue, and you walk up to me. Spokane.
I show up. I fly in that day.
Yeah, Spokane. And you go, you took a shit on the bus, didn't you? It's out of nowhere.
Your face was amazing. I was livid.
You got regular white guy eyes. They went with the round eyes.
It's like when you saw that ghost. Yeah, same thing.
Yeah, yeah. Same thing.
Yeah, yeah. Literally, you got so scared.
And I go, and I knew that you three had ratted, somebody had ratted me out. Uh-huh.
Right? And let's just get this out of the way now. That's fine.
Okay? And I'm going to say this too as your boss, guys. All right? As your boss.
Honestly, dude. Honestly.
Yeah. No hard feelings.
No resentment. It's just a story.
It's in our past. But you can now admit to me now, with no retaliation, who told Andrew?

It was Carlos.

What?

Here's the deal.

Did you really?

No.

Because I did.

Your reaction.

Holy fuck.

You're fired.

I'm just kidding.

You're fucking fired.

You're reacting.

What the fuck, dude?

You're a rat.

You never fucking told me that you pooped on the bus. You only told Jesse and mccone i didn't find out till the venue when andrew pulled up to us sorry carla and you had an intuition here's the mystery my favorite thing in the world was knowing that you thought somebody ratted you out but the truth is the ultimate truth is nobody ratted you out.
When I stepped onto the bus and nobody was on the bus, it was beyond squeaky clean. And it was so clean that I thought, that's really fucking weird.
Nobody clean. We don't have a cleaning crew to come clean the bus this week.
Why is the bus so clean? And then I thought, did Jesse clean the bus? No bus no no way and then i went into the bathroom

to take a piss and when i got in there it was almost as if the toilet when i lifted up the lid it the lid spoke to me and went bobby talk about shit because it stunk like chlor it stunk like bleach someone had bleached or he said the dwarves showed up at the shire the shire they were there and there was so much bleach in the air

immediately I go

Bobby Joker shit on the bus. Really? I knew right away.
Holy fuck. And I walked inside.
I looked you right in the face, and I go, took a shit on the bus. And you went, what? No.
Who told you? Who told you? You freaked out. I freaked the fuck out.
And I said, nobody told me, buddy. So if I would have said, what are what are you talking about it would have been i would have known i something was in my body something told me you pooped on the bus it just i felt it in my by the way my butthole told you your butthole told me you know how girls get on a cycle when they live together yeah you and i are cycling right now i felt it inside something inside was like bob Bobby pooped on the bus.
Because you guys,

we're cycling, baby.

So you didn't rat me out, Carlos?

No.

But he did rat you out for other stuff.

Tons of other stuff.

Tons and tons and tons of other stuff.

And also,

I want to say this.

We love our bus driver.

He's great.

He's the best.

He's also,

sometimes at night I get scared,

we're going to die.

Oh, dude, one night.

That one night.

It feels like we're flying. We're going like 110.
And and i felt the bump so bad everything fell off of the shelf it was like we went off a fucking yeah yeah it was insane i swear to god i get up and i'm in the i'm in my underwear i'm in the hallway it's like four in the morning and in the darkness you scared the shit out well because you were turned around and i woke up like you did. These guys stayed in their bunk.
They're ready to die.

They're Biggie Smalls.

They're all ready to die.

I get out of my bunk

and I go walk through the hallways.

You can't see me.

I can tell.

And then when you turn around,

I go, Bob.

And you go,

It was so scary.

And then both of us were like,

what was that?

And then I walked up there to see.

Because there's a curtain.

So I wanted to see if.

I saw you peek in there.

Yeah.

And I peeked in to see.

And he was sleeping, right?

Maybe he was. Well, I thought maybe he's dozing off you know but no not at all he was sleeping in the passenger seat the bus was driving itself no he was fine it was just it was a little I felt like a little maybe he wasn't all the way awake because I heard a little when we go to the side and that's And that's when the.
Happened. Yeah.
Yeah.

So if we die on the next leg, it's been great.

It's been great.

And.

I have another question for you.

Please.

If I may.

I had an incident the other day and I want you.

I want to ask the room.

Yeah.

Feel the room.

I want to feel the room out to see who's in the wrong.

Okay.

So I'm shooting this thing.

I'm on your side.

Thank you.

Yeah. It's five in the morning.
Right. I don't know the wrong? Okay.
So I'm shooting this thing. I'm on your side.
Thank you. Yeah.

It's five in the morning.

Right?

I don't know the makeup hair department.

What do you mean?

You're not familiar with them at all?

I don't know.

I just met them.

Right.

Makeup woman,

a nice Asian lady.

And she's doing,

my girlfriend in this movie

is Chinese.

I'm just sitting there

getting my hair done.

And I go, hey, what's your name? The actress tells me her name. I go, where are you from? She goes, I'm from China.
I was born there. I love China.
That's where TikTok and COVID comes from. Facts.
And then I just hear the room change. Because you told her facts? Yeah.

Like everyone laughed?

And I look over, no.

I look over and the Asian makeup artist and her, they're just.

Is the Asian makeup artist Chinese as well?

Yes.

Yeah.

No, she's not Chinese.

She's Korean.

Oh, she's on your team.

There's no teams here.

Well, yeah, there are.

I know there should be.

Yeah.

I realize she's probably North Korean.

Right closer to China. Right China my point is this my point is this it changes then my the girl that plays my girl she leaves and I'm sitting there and then I get moved over to makeup and the makeup artist goes I can't fucking believe you said that I go what because I'm tired she goes COVID you think that's funny well i mean and i go i was this early and you know i just throw it's a joke yeah and she goes you know we've been attacked for that as a society as a people what yeah they make a stink of it so does this get around to bill and everybody okay, because I had to nip it in the butt I had to nip it I had to nip it I had to nip it There was a chink in my arm right there Wait a minute You made a joke A small joke And was going to.
If there was HR, they would have gone. What? Yeah.
And, you know, for me, it's like. How uncomfortable is the love scene then? Did you have a love scene? No, no, no.
Thank God. But I knew what to do.
I turned to the Asian makeup artist and I go, I'm so sorry. It's early.
I threw out a joke. I'm a comic.
I don't know if you know that. She's like, I know, but it's not funny.

Yes, it is.

I know.

And then, thank you so fucking, thank you so much for being on my side.

I would have laughed.

You're my fucking ally, dude. If you said TikTok and COVID, I'd have been like, true.

I would have been on the other side of the makeup trailer.

We're both now fired.

What the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, then we'll walk out together.

Also, none of that is rude, to be honest. It's a joke.
Thank you. But we wrong are we wrong here what's going on maybe you go next time go uh oh i love china that's where tiktok is from oh you don't say covid you go you leave an ambiguity and then they'll go what do you mean by and you go you know or i go i go dog eating you'd be clever about it you just go that's where tick that's where tick tock and Fauci's Fauci's family is from ah that's a little twist around I had to go I was on set now and I see her the girl that plays my girlfriend yeah she's sitting there and she's like in a bad mood I could tell just because of this I, right.
So then I leaned up against the wall. Hey, do you have the audition for this? I don't want to say it.
I don't want to say it, right? She's like, yeah. Meanwhile, it's offer only for you, which makes it worse.
Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, hey, I just want to tell you, I'm really sorry about that.
I was so early. She's like, just, yeah, I mean, I'm just really sensitive about it.
Really? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just thinking about it.
And I'm going to go, you fucking pant face. You know what I mean? But I just went, thank you so much.
Let's just have a good day. You know what I mean? Are we wrong here? I know, but it's- I think if people are sensitive to jokes in an entertainment environment, then they should have to alter their behavior.
Oh, this is good. They should come in the room and go, guys, I'm sensitive about COVID and TikTok jokes.
Yes. I'm letting you know I'm Chinese.
No Chinese jokes, please. Yeah, put it on the table.
But we live in a different world now. Yeah, but that's...
Okay, honestly fancy you're well no you're bad to ask because you're on the you're on our team carlos be a mediator here be the zen buddhist all right where is covid from wuhan wuhan's where uh it's in a lab in china okay it's in china yeah carlos where wuhan is in a lab in china no no i mean literal yeah. Carlos, where's TikTok from? China.
Okay, so two for two. Yeah.
Both of those things were true and neither of them are like mean. It's a fact that a thing happened there and that's what happened.
Maybe if I put a positive one in there first, I went, that's where TikTok, Yao Ming and COVID was from. Yeah, maybe you needed the rule of three.
That's why she was upset. I think that was the problem.
That is actually true. It would have been a better joke.
It would have been a joke, yeah. Yao Ming and COVID.
Try it again next time you see her with the three. Honestly, if you see her again in a makeup chair, I would do the exact same thing again.
You just have to do what they do with all movies now. They have a disclaimer.
They're like, oh, this movie is racist, but we're showing it anyway. Yeah.
Or whatever, you know. Also, you should just wear a shirt that's parental advisory at all times yeah that's it that's like fancy he's saying this to justify his next movie by the way it's called the n-word and they say the n-word 8 000 times it's so funny because it's like oh who you gonna go to bill burr i know yeah oh bill excuse me i know you're directing movie but excuse me do you know what bobby said what he said said what did he say? Chinese people from you know they're known for tickle talk in corporate yeah I fucking hear no lies I hear no lies yeah rolling yeah I mean that's there would be no no repercussions yeah no but you made up with her look I'm sure she's a sweet girl I'm so glad she took it the wrong honestly, she knows that you're a lovable guy.
You didn't mean anything by it. We move on.
Life is so, there's so much awful shit. This is nothing on the blip of chaos.
Thank you. It's nothing.
It's a nothing burger. That's why I love you, dude.
You should get a USB though and give it to her with the plandemic on it. Well, she definitely has a computer.
I mean, they make them

there. Okay!

Okay! But what I also realized, there's just two

different kinds of Asians. Ones that

have fun and ones that don't? Yeah.

I think every group has that. That's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, look, there's uptight whites

and there's whites that get it. Yeah.
You're either an uptight

white or you're white that gets it. There's uptight whites

all the time that are just huffity-puffity

for no reason and you're like, come on, man. You know we're joking we're joking because when we do meet and greets we see the kind of asians that come they're the wild kind well let me tell you our meet and greets we have had an eclectic group eclectic and when you see the asians that pass through that door yeah say hi to you yeah they love those jokes they do they are ready to to laugh yeah they don't take themselves serious and i've said this before shout out to my mexican fans i fucking love our mexicans fan everyone that came out in phoenix all those mexicans because every time i'm around a fucking a latin crowd they know how to take a joke they don't give a fuck they don't take anything that's serious they have the most fun nothing is that big of a deal and they like to laugh i even said said it.
I was like, I know you guys are in here. I can smell you.
They loved it. I just want to say, our fans in general are the best.
Have you had a good reception? Yeah. Except for that one guy that threw a shoe at you.
One guy, George Bushed her. She didn't get hit, but she tushy-dotted.
No, we've had such a good fucking reception from the fans. And's been it's been when people ask me we come home people ask hey what's been going on how's the tour i fits was on the phone with fitz simmons and he goes it looks fucking amazing buddy and i was like it's honestly i can't even i don't have like one thing to say usually you come off the road when you're solo and someone's like how was wherever and you're like it was good but there was you know you know saturday Show is, you know, whatever.
And there's always like a thing or two that you're like, I don't know, man. It just, I wasn't hitting on this night.
It didn't feel good. My hour was a little weak here.
This has been a dream come true and I'm not trying to be lame, but it's been fucking amazing. I hope we keep doing it.
We were. For a long time.
That being said, we are going to cancel the rest of the tour no i need it i need this yeah i do want to make one more comment before we depart i i did notice your haircut last night in the parking lot and i told you i said someone got a new haircut yeah and i like it but it's but but i was getting used to the old you yeah i know i've gone through so much change but much change. But I like it, but I feel like you're growing too fast.
I know. I can't stop it.
I don't like it, dude. I don't want to change either.
But if you start showing up really dramatically, like if she starts doing that thing that people do when they start getting a couple of bucks in the thing and she starts changing, if you show up with veneers in a couple of weeks, I'm done. I want one J.
No. One J on my canine? No, no, you can have that, but if you get a full mouth of veneers, I'm going to be bummed.
Alright. I also want to say is that I know a lot of headlines that bring one person on, but that person, the opener changes, and they cut them off.
Will you guys tell me if I start changing? You're changing. You already got a haircut.
We're warning you now. This is the warning.
I do what Bobby does. What? You got a haircut.
I got a haircut. She does follow you.
You do follow me a lot. It's weird.
I'm a little baby duckling. Oh, I love you.
You're my mama. You're like a dog.
You're like a dog. Yeah, yeah.
We got to pet you all the time. We always have to clean up your shit.
Positive reinforcement. What was happening that one day where you went, I feel really uncomfortable right now.
I don't know. It could have been any of the days.
It was with McCone. We were working on jokes or bits for the thing and I was acting crazy.
Do you remember? Oh, I was not uncomfortable. I just checked out mentally because you were getting really bossy.
You were being a meanie weenie? In what way? I regret already saying that. Well, now you have to say it.
If you're going as well cross the bridge you're on it well because we were working you and me and mccone we were working on all these segments and we're putting like we went to good will we put him put in an hour we're been an hour into right when we were in yeah bobby slides the door open in his underwear hair wild and he's like write me some bits what do you got and then we read him one he's like not write me some bits. What do you got? And then we read him one.
He's like, not funny. I hate it.
Another one. Another one.
And then I just started doing work. That was very funny.
He showed up his underwear half off of his body. You're naked.
You're wieners out the side of your underwear. No, it wasn't.
It was insane. It wasn't showing.
Cut it out. No.
And then you go, where's my bitch? Yeah, where's my bitch, people? I did not do that. That's insane.
It wasn't showing. Put it out.
No. Put that part out.
And you go, where's my bitch? Yeah, where's my bitch, people? I did not do that. That's insane.
Why are you so defensive about this? You didn't say- You think that- I don't do that. You did do this.
I know I did that on specific- I did that specific day in that specific moment, but it's not a general thing that I do. That bothered you a lot.
No, it was one day. Have you ever seen me do that before? doing origami because i was like i'm not but wait did this bother you i didn't know that was bothering you it didn't no because you said no you looked i've never seen your face like that before yeah i mentally checked out yeah wow no you go i feel really uncomfortable right now because i was yelling at you oh i said well mccone deserves to be yelled at what was i yelling at you for well he's he's always doing some dumb probably when he ordered that bud light and a shirley temple this guy i've never seen this guy orders bud light and a shirley temple same dinner same dinner was that in montana or something right yeah yeah such a weird guy same time too it wasn't like one after the other it was both lunatic lunatic uh and real quick i want to say a couple more things before we go um show your bracelet you didn't even mention the bracelet I know I wanted to bring this up go ahead and say it so Peter Shore who owns the comedy store came to Portland he lives in Portland he saw a show with his wife there and he gave me this bracelet and it used to be Mitzi Shore pretty cool and he gave us Mitzi's scarves we have two of Mitzi's old scarves yeah it feels so cool.
And also, I do want to give a shout out. This guy made us these custom shoes.
Amazing. Yeah, those are so fun.
And he takes shoes and he can reconfigure them to do and say whatever. Like the swooshes backwards.
These are the Bad Friends colors. Bad Friends on the tongue and on the inside.
He also, because of my Netflix special cheeseburger, he put a little cheeseburger where the Air Jordan is. Bobby and I both have have a pair and when i say thank you so much to this guy it's i want to say it right it's shoe generous shoe generous that's that's who did it nice guy korean dude korean dude this guy was the fucking man yeah custom shit we want to thank him for that because that was huge and we want to thank all the fans for coming out we appreciate you guys check out us in florida we're coming to florida yeah we're doing a whole run we're going to be down in florida uh we're doing st petersburg we're doing hollywood we're doing um uh wait st petersburg jacksonville is that right yeah orlando orlando st petersburg uh jacksonville st petersburg hollywood florida and orlando then we come back here we do two shows in riverside and one in san diego before we head back to the east coast and do Jersey, New York, Baltimore,

Philly,

and Toronto.

Wow.

Guys,

we cannot wait to see you guys.

And so,

you know what?

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.