Star Trek Dating Advice

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Speaker 2 Hey, friends, fans! Baby, we're coming down to Florida!

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We are coming to see you.

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Check us out.

Speaker 2 Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando.
Come see us. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. We want to give a shout out to so many different people.
Look at the Stardew Valley.

Speaker 2 This is a Stardew Valley marriage pendant. I'm going to give it to somebody one day.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Speaker 2 Why, why won't you marry me? You have no puspos. Yes, I do.
Yeah, but in the game, don't you marry guys? You marry men in the game. I've only married one guy.
What? What's his name? Elliot. What's up?

Speaker 2 What's up, Ellie? What's up, Ellie, bro? And then show the Stardew star that you got from somebody. What does that mean? Someone said that's important, too.
This is a star.

Speaker 2 This is a stardrop. Oh, stardrop.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And

Speaker 2 it enhances your energy. And the young lady that gave it to you said it does what? You don't remember.
This is my favorite part is testing him about the gifts. What did she say? It does what?

Speaker 2 Something special. Yeah, I just told you.
No, it does something,

Speaker 2 it does something practical in the real world. Oh, it does? Yeah.
Oh, it's a water weight. Nope.
Oh, wow. It's a water weight.

Speaker 2 Paperweight, I mean, paperweight. It changes color.
It's a paperweight. It changes color.

Speaker 2 It's a mood. It's got that mood ring thing inside of it.
Where? So when you hold it with your hands, it'll change color. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Let's see what kind of mood you're in. And then we'll...
Oh, gray. You're gray forever.
Yeah, I'm gray forever. And then we got these from a soldier, which I want to say thank you to.

Speaker 2 He gave us these pennies. Semperify.

Speaker 2 So disrespectful. What that temperature is a thing.
That's good, right? Yeah, but you don't know. This kid was in the army.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Flower power. The army is.
I'm the guy that puts the flower on the fucking muzzle. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't do that.

Speaker 2 I poo-poo in there. But my point is, is this.
Thank you for having me, and good to be back. It's good to be back here in the studio.
Another thing is.

Speaker 2 Also, shout out to all the Navajos. Shout out to all the natives that showed up, but mostly Navajo.
Navajo is the best one. Navajo said, though.
We signed more Navajo.

Speaker 2 No, they did say Navajo, they said, was like. They said they were like the Japanese.
That's right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The natives. They said Navajo was top.
We had more Navajoians come out. So shout out to my Navajos that came out.
And my Navajo Bros. Which ones are the ones from the Last of the Mohicans?

Speaker 2 They're my favorite kind. I have no idea.
The ones with the white, and they scalp. They all do that.
I think it's a universal thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think is scalping like a universal thing that Native people do? Yeah, that's the how about dancing? Two. Okay.
Who's the best?

Speaker 2 Is it they don't dance? Is it the darker the Native American, the better dancer they are? Probably, yeah. Did they go to the lighter-skinned natives? Are they just shitty dancers?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they found turntables with the darker ones.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah,

Speaker 2 rainmaker welcome back guys and welcome to rainmaker oh another thing is i wanted before i forgot um when you when we're on the road juice

Speaker 2 do not make fun of my dating style

Speaker 2 and the way i converse with you know what i mean the ladies

Speaker 2 okay the tea shop i know what you're referencing yeah the tea shop go on and go ahead and yeah don't mock me when i'm doing my style where was the tea shop in uh in um it was in spoken spokane washington i went there with a beautiful girl yeah looked looked just like Kalila.

Speaker 3 Can I say that?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 She did look identical.

Speaker 2 Because of type.

Speaker 2 I'm a type.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You know what I mean? Identical.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Malila.
Beautiful. Malila.
What was her name? Malila. Malila.
Malila. Yeah.
So Malila and you had some. I like halfies.
Yeah, you do. You know,

Speaker 2 mixing with a little Andrew. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Me and Andrew.
So wait a minute. You went to go have some tea with Malila.
What happened?

Speaker 3 They're hitting it off.

Speaker 2 Fireworks. No, well, I'm not hitting nothing off.

Speaker 3 I thought so. There was some chemistry.

Speaker 2 What I liked about her, her, too, she's hot, but then she's also good at like breaking the ice. Yeah.
So she started the conversation. So I'm like, oh, hello, baby.
What did she say? Hello.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's hot.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 when they say hello, that's enough. They love it to say hello.
Oh, my God. That gets my engine running.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 When she said hello, you could hear this.

Speaker 2 That's the two squirts of the squirty, squirty? Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I heard it back from her, too, if I'm being honest. I thought, yeah, they're going back and forth.

Speaker 2 And then out of nowhere, Bobby, like, like they're really heading

Speaker 2 conversation go ahead and he goes the thing i like about star trek is how much dilithium crystals there are i'm like dude and you can and you can hear her go

Speaker 3 she literally left to go

Speaker 2 she walked away from the conversation

Speaker 2 yeah that all the way got real dry and tight noise you know i started going into dilithium crystals and then like jeffree's tubes and you're looking at me like

Speaker 2 Like you're trying to shake your head like stop stop. But it didn't stop.
Did she ever say that she liked Star Trek? No. No.
Well, why? Because I always segue into that. All right, we're on a date.

Speaker 2 You and I are on a date. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 Thanks for coming to have tea with me in Spokane. It's rainy.
Let me guess. Your name is Malila.

Speaker 2 I mean, hello. Hi.
You're half gook.

Speaker 2 Do you say half gook? Sure. Yeah, yeah.
You're half, you know. I'm goo.
You're goo. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, what's up? You go?

Speaker 2 Beautiful tea.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thanks. Oh, I know why.
I know what it's. Okay, I know why it's starting.
Yeah, you fucked up this whole date already. No, I already know how it started.

Speaker 2 Now, in the conversation, I know why I brought it up. Go ahead.
Can I have Earl Gray?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I'll get you some Earl Gray tea. You know who else drinks Earl Gray? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jean-Luc Picard. He likes Earl Gray.
Yeah. Is that a friend of yours? No, that's Star Trek Next Generation, one of my favorite shows.
And then.

Speaker 2 Okay, $4.95, please. I know, but the Dylan Crystals run, you go put in the warp engine.
Here it is. Take off.
And there's Jeffrey.

Speaker 2 We're closed.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Yeah.
So that's how it started. That's how it ended, too.
I know.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah. She was stocking items and dry storage.

Speaker 3 Excuse me. She was stocking items and dry storage.
Yes, she was. We packed up our tea and left.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But you know what? How did you fuck that up? Because apparently she liked, she was into you.

Speaker 2 I think I fuck everything up. You don't fuck everything up.
Well, in terms of the right now, I don't know how to do the ladies. Well, then I take a break.
Let's take a break.

Speaker 2 Let's coach you through how to do the ladies. I don't want it, I think.

Speaker 2 Because this guy right here, no, don't shake your head, man.

Speaker 2 Casanova, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, Casanova.

Speaker 2 I do love something. Casanova,

Speaker 2 Casanova. I do.
You know, there's every city we go to, he's got a new lady. Yeah.
I see him in the mornings.

Speaker 2 He walks downstairs in his, you know, on the elevator, whatever, or with a new lady around his arms. And I'm always with my backpack and my

Speaker 2 starting valley.

Speaker 2 I got to play you a song. We're probably going to have to take it out because of, you know, but this is literally his entire life.
Look at this.

Speaker 2 tell me this isn't him this is an old song

Speaker 2 senorita waiting for me

Speaker 2 down in old mexico oh by the way this song gets more and more racist as you listen to it he literally is like got a little ching ching chong

Speaker 2 yeah he really does i swear to god wow he goes ham ricky nelson goes hard in that but he's got girls in every city and every place he goes and every now your name is ricky nelson okay ricky ricky that's ricky ricky ricky ricky um but in the song, so he made love to an Eskimo woman?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I didn't really.
And he says she keeps you warm in her igloo. That's what he says.

Speaker 2 So he does all of them.

Speaker 2 How about Mongol? He says, Mongolians. I leave her coated in glue while she kept me warm in her igloo.
Whoa, I didn't hear that part. Yeah, that was in there.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 he'll go Eskimo. Ricky Ricky goes everywhere, baby.
Ricky Ricky doesn't discern. But anyway, you know how, like, in cartoons, the eyes, if there's someone's dead, they put X's.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Your eyes had fucking

Speaker 2 fingers looking at me at you like fingers fuck you. Yeah, no way.
Every time you do it, you say fuck you to your boss.

Speaker 2 I want to

Speaker 2 I want to what I want to

Speaker 2 hold your hand

Speaker 4 what what happened with those girls in

Speaker 5 Seattle or in Portland you had like four girls with you oh, yeah, and you left with all four and then I asked what happened and you were like oh nothing I'm back in the room.

Speaker 4 But you had like

Speaker 2 a lot of girls with you.

Speaker 3 Five. I was actually up on the fire escape and i saw you birding around on your scooter around town alone alone no he wasn't alone he took me to the enterprise well one time

Speaker 2 one time jesus in phoenix i almost crashed my scooter because of you because of me oh because i was scooting around i hear

Speaker 2 and it was her in the car in the car and i saw wild bobby yeah wild bobby when you see a wild bobby dude

Speaker 2 you gotta take a phone looking at bigfoot it's really cool i took a scooter with my cousin to get a burrito at uh two in the morning that last night in phoenix yeah and we went down to South Phoenix and Chinos.

Speaker 2 Filibertos? Not as so good. Yeah, we went to Filibertos.

Speaker 2 But honestly, dude, he was like, where is this? I was like, it's not bad. It's down the road.
We got halfway down the street and it was like six cop cars, people screaming at us.

Speaker 2 I know why you went to Philibertos. Because when you went to school there, that was good.

Speaker 2 And then now, as an adult, because you have money and you've been eating good Mexican food, it was terrible. It's terrible.
Yeah. I'm the same because we had one in Powell called Albertos.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Albertos. Yeah.
I know. And I drove from LA all the way to Powell two and a half hours just to eat it.
Not worth it. And I had a stomachache.
I'm not joking when I say this.

Speaker 2 This isn't like for the sake of the show. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That night, woke up at 4:30, had to go to the bathroom, woke up to catch my flight, went to the bathroom in the hotel, went to the bathroom at the airport, went to the bathroom on the plane, got home, went to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 And I genuinely called my cousin Luke and I was like, are you okay? He's like, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 He's like, dude, I'm in so much pain. He knows my stomach.
What did you eat? A California burrito. Of course.
It's my favorite, dude. French fries, avocado, cheese, sour cream, carne azada.

Speaker 2 Tico de gella.

Speaker 2 And you pour that salsa. They make homemade salsa down there.
But I got to tell you, that carneatada was something off the side of the road.

Speaker 2 Right. Dude, it was roadkill.
I was rumbly bumbly in the tumbly. Even as we were on the scooter, every bump, I was like, whoa, whoa.
Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 That's a bad idea, I feel like. Yeah, I like the taquitos from Alberto.
Oh, yeah. So good.
With the guacamole on top.

Speaker 2 But what I realized is that, because that was the first time I ever had guacamole.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Back in, you know, when I would live, when wasn't I in high school? The first time was at Alberto. At Alberto.
So I go, this is authentic.

Speaker 2 Right? And it's mixed with 80% sour cream. Yeah, it's all sour cream.
Yeah, yeah, it's white, right? But you think it's, this is like from, I'm in Juarez right now or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 Authentic, right? And then years later, you have real guacamole, and then you eat that shit, and it just fucks your body up.

Speaker 2 There's a, by the way, my favorite place in San Diego used to be next to the comedy store. It was a tiny little fish market called

Speaker 2 Pescadero or something like that. Pescadero, Pescadero.
Yeah, and man. Fish fish.
And I miss it so much. That was so good.
I used to go there all the time. Now they're too fancy for me.

Speaker 2 But we had, I will say this. We had so much fun on the road so far.
We have so much more to do. That was a great lift.
Carlos

Speaker 2 has been, give him some credit, has been working so hard. Thank you, guys.
I'm serious. I made him move a couch five times.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I saw that.

Speaker 2 I made him move a couch from one green room to the other, and I go, put it back in the the other green room he put it back i remember i was there put it on the stage and i want to say this too i had never thought you had work ethic me either until thank you until the tour i got this lazy uppity yeah bean bean yeah we all talked about it worthless that's in my head for the 20 you thought he was refried now he's pinto oh you're black bean oh you're black bean yeah

Speaker 2 you're black bean for sure because then you eat nice yeah you always get i'll have a salmon salad he always has salad yeah but in real time you get mad at me for that

Speaker 2 yeah because it's weird Yeah, it is weird. But I want to be

Speaker 2 all getting steak, and you're like, I'll just take a Sam's salad.

Speaker 2 That's insanely inappropriate.

Speaker 2 So, Ricky, Ricky Blackbean, you're off to a hot start. The next half of the tour is going to be wonderful.
Hell yeah. We hate to tell the fans at home who need to know.

Speaker 2 The tour got broken up a little bit. Our videographer, McCone, got fired on this tour.
He will no longer be with us. He's learning about it right now in studio.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're fired. And you're laughing, but ha ha, you're going to ha-ha your way onto the unemployment line, idiot.

Speaker 2 Also, you texted me the other day like, hey, if you need any help with Tiger Billy, what the fuck kind of help do I need?

Speaker 2 This fucking guy is trying to be proactive. I fucking hate it.
It's so cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.

Speaker 2 I didn't even respond to myself. It's so cute.
We are going to hire him full time. We need him for something.

Speaker 6 I have FOMO

Speaker 6 from this. Seeing you guys having so much fun on the road.

Speaker 2 You know, a lot of fans are asking about you. You would need me, but now we don't need you.

Speaker 2 No, it turns out we don't need you at all.

Speaker 2 In fact, I get that you're being, you're missed on the show. Some people have been asking about you.
Oh, yeah. But the reception they give Carlos is in place of you.
right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, you know, he embodies you. Carlos is soaking up all that energy.
Oh, that moment. No, I was Edmunds.

Speaker 7 Go ahead, what'd you say?

Speaker 5 I did flip off everyone in Phoenix, all 4,000 people.

Speaker 2 Why did you, yeah, what was your attitude in Phoenix about?

Speaker 4 Because I didn't know that you told them to boo me.

Speaker 2 I didn't tell them that.

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 2 She did.

Speaker 5 Oh, Jesse did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so then you got all mad about it in front of Bobby's mom, by the way. People, people got to meet Bobby's mom in Phoenix.

Speaker 4 She left the side-stage shoes. But you know why?

Speaker 2 Because of that? No. Why? Because I could tell my mom, once my mom walked on stage, it just dawned on her

Speaker 2 that she doesn't want to be up there. Right, I saw.
Her eyes are,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? And

Speaker 2 she's like, I have to get the fuck out of here. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What is she? She's still a Pilipano. She's in Filipino now.
She's Filipino.

Speaker 2 She switched. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's just like, and then she disappeared, but she went downstairs and the

Speaker 3 on her iPad. You and your mom are so cute before the show.
They were on the opposite ends of the couch, buried in their iPad, and you and your Switch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, both on their devices.

Speaker 2 She was shopping for dresses. I said,

Speaker 2 What are you looking for? She goes, New dress. Yeah,

Speaker 2 she said to me, New dress.

Speaker 3 In Stardew Valley, he was searching for dresses on that.

Speaker 2 But when I saw my mom do that, I realized what it is. And we have the same problem.

Speaker 2 We just don't want to be in the moment. Yeah, you don't want to live.
Why is it?

Speaker 2 Because, you know,

Speaker 2 generational trauma.

Speaker 2 No, I really do believe. I know.
I told you about her aunt, right? What happened? Yeah. And she never dealt with that, my dad's abuse.
And so

Speaker 2 she doesn't do drugs, but she escapes through being obsessed with BTS or buying new dresses. Buying new dresses or what are you laughing, McConnell? She loves watching videos.

Speaker 2 I saw her watch a bunch of different little videos. And then just being, you know, just not thinking about the moment.
Escapism. Escapism.
Yeah. So what is it? What does your mom do day to day?

Speaker 2 Do you even know? She just watches Korean dramas and Googles BTS and probably just plays with her like

Speaker 2 watching BTS. I was hoping you say plays with her dog or something.
No, no, no, she's not her dog. Not anymore.
Yeah, but she

Speaker 2 probably does that. I mean, it's so funny.
You were going to hang an extra day. I stayed an extra day.
You were supposed to stay an extra day and you didn't. I couldn't.

Speaker 2 You didn't want to hang with her for Mother's Day. I had a movie to do.
It was Mother's Day. I know, but it was literally Mother's Day and you left.

Speaker 2 I know, but I shot Monday early five in the morning. I know, but Sunday was literally Mother's Day, and you didn't even stay to hang with her on Mother's Day.

Speaker 2 She doesn't even know it's Mother's Mother's Day. I said happy Mother's Day to my mom and she goes, good night.

Speaker 2 She doesn't care. She didn't care about Christmas.
She didn't care about my birthday. She didn't care about that's why you don't care about any of those things.
Yeah, I don't care. She didn't care.

Speaker 2 I don't care. Wanting to flip the script and you start caring.
You can't care.

Speaker 2 It's like somebody just texted me today. Are you watching the Hurricanes game? I go, you're in a hurricane.
I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 2 Why would someone ask you if you're watching a hockey game? That's my point. No, you don't like hockey.
I know, but I don't like it. It's like, you know, I'm interested in what I'm interested in.

Speaker 2 That's true. Right.
And so how do you get involved in a holiday when you don't care? You don't have to, I guess. Yeah.
No, it's true. I never know what anything is.

Speaker 2 Well, do you know when Halloween is? Seriously? Yeah, October 25th. Yep.
I don't know. Well, it starts on the 25th.
Is it 31st? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, it's whatever.

Speaker 2 I can tell because you see the

Speaker 2 Mexicans and stuff. You're Forest Comp.
You are 100% Forest Comp.

Speaker 2 I know when it's Halloween.

Speaker 2 Everybody dresses real funny. Yeah, but it's bad when you're in a relationship and you don't know birthdays or

Speaker 2 write them down in your holidays or anniversaries.

Speaker 2 It's always a fight. All right, well, check this out.
We have two birthdays coming up, back to back. Happy birthday to McConnell and Juicy.
Yeah. Juicy, I mean.

Speaker 3 I think my birthday is a travel day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what the letdown is? These kids think they're going to go to Disneyland in Orlando and it's not going to happen. I don't think we are.
Yeah, we're not going to do it. Because it's just,

Speaker 2 it's a travel day to get back to L.A. for the Riverside and san diego shows and they would go you guys can go i'm not going

Speaker 2 after dollywood you know whatever i don't believe in i don't believe in disneyland or world without kids i think you look creepy i don't want to go dolly world is in a is a roller coaster park different disneyland is for children not grown and grown-ups that go alone i'm sure we have disney fans it's i don't get it it's a little scary to me that is for the joy to enjoy like he can take his kid there right but if he goes alone, imagine, look at him, fancy, yeah, if you see him strolling around the magic kingdom, first thing you think, I know.

Speaker 2 Well, look at him,

Speaker 2 that would wait in line three times for it's a small world,

Speaker 2 get off, get back in line, and do it three fucking times. I want to go on the teacups, yeah, we can't go in the teacups.
It's a small world, by the way, is a bullshit ride. I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 It's supposed to be representing the world, right? Yeah, so you see, like, Eskimos up there, there's like eight of them, right? Then you see, like, Denmark or the Netherlands, right? There's like 20.

Speaker 2 But then when you go to China, there's seven. Well, they could.
Would you want a billion?

Speaker 2 No, but I'm just saying, make it 40.

Speaker 2 And then I realized what. Do you sound like you're working for the Chinese government?

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you what, I realized when I was last time I was on, I realized what it was. They were in the water because of the earthquake.

Speaker 2 They're down there doing this. I'm in the water.

Speaker 2 Because it's the only explanation. It's like, I want it to be reflective reflective of the population.
My favorite was the Pirates of the Caribbean ride because they are perverse.

Speaker 2 They're like, ah, nice boobs, young lady.

Speaker 2 They are creepy. Have you ever heard some of those? No.
They literally say creepy stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they do. They go, great cans, my lady.
They say stuff. They used to say stuff like that when we were kids.
Really? They would say, lick my port side.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's blue. That's not that blue.
Nah, kids don't know. Kids don't know the difference.
But you guys can go. If you want to go, if you want to go, you can go.

Speaker 2 But I'm telling you, I'm not going to to go. I hate it.
Do you really want to go for your birthday?

Speaker 3 No, I'll sit on the plane for my birthday.

Speaker 2 We'll buy you tickets. We'll buy you guys tickets.
I'll give you a fast pass. But we're not going.
We're not going.

Speaker 3 I love you guys so much. I'm glad I'm working for you guys.
There's so many people I could have ended up working with, and I think about it every day.

Speaker 2 You're saying it like you have a gun to your head. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, possibly situation. Hey, let's say it real quick.
Let me take a vague. Say it real.
Say it real. Say it real.
Say it real. Say it real.
Now.

Speaker 3 Man, I love you guys so much.

Speaker 2 Okay.

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Speaker 2 Can I just say this? McConnell. Yes.
Right. Scum.
No more caviar for you. Dude, first of all,

Speaker 2 have we talked about caviar yet? No. And you gave this, you gave him caviar.

Speaker 2 No, I know. let me say something.
He does not deserve caviar. I ordered it for myself.
Did I not say? I'll have the caviar.

Speaker 3 Yes, he did.

Speaker 2 I put my finger up, right? And I had my nose up to the sky. Why did you give him some? And then this guy was like,

Speaker 2 you know, I never had it before.

Speaker 2 And I go, what? You've never had caviar? I don't know. No, I've had french fries.
Well, maybe one day you'll get it. That's what I would have said.
And I'm like, and then guess what he made me do?

Speaker 2 Three times, I made it for you. Oh, he made you put it it on the little thing.
Dude, I picked up the bread. I put the fucking crumbs on it.

Speaker 3 He did it on purpose because he wanted control over the caviar amount.

Speaker 2 I can't stand this.

Speaker 2 I can't stand you right now.

Speaker 2 You just fucking ratted me up. What the fuck you say? Say it again.

Speaker 3 But you know it's true. Because that's true.
You didn't want him getting a big old scoop of it.

Speaker 2 So you give him a scoop of it.

Speaker 2 Because he doesn't know how much to put on. You don't.
And he's not going to appreciate it anyway. If he gets too much caviar, he's just going to be like, this is okay.

Speaker 2 And you know, he did one of these because he wants to be sophisticated, but he ate it. And he did one of these went.
He went,

Speaker 2 he de niroed it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you don't like it, bitch. That's good caveat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you don't like it, you don't like it. You didn't like it.
Because he wants to be sophisticated. That was with a different thing we ate earlier.

Speaker 2 Here's another thing you fucking did, you idiot. And I,

Speaker 2 moron, I love you, though. But

Speaker 2 he gets wine, right? And in a movie, or I don't know who taught him this, but to stir it, right? Oh, he swirled it? He's not swirled it one time

Speaker 2 for 20 minutes the whole time. Idiot.
He was just sitting there eating the caviar, just swirling this wine. And I'm like, I think you just swirl it a couple times.
I'm not a wine drinker.

Speaker 2 By the way, cut to when we fire him and he's living on the streets and we see just a crazy kid under a bridge just swirling nothing. Just his hand like this in the air, swirling nothing.

Speaker 3 His own piss. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. His own piss.
It's insane. Last night I didn't rap till three in the morning.
Yeah, you're shooting a Bill Burr movie. Congratulations, Bobby shooting a movie.
That's nuts.

Speaker 2 That's huge. Anyway.
Written and directed by the legend Bill Burr. What more do you want?

Speaker 3 You look badass, too. I saw that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the pictures were cool. Yeah, it was cool.
cool. But I

Speaker 2 just to be, but we're out in nowhere land.

Speaker 2 You know, in the Dark Knight, the original, I think in the first movie, Batman Begins, you know, that whole shipyard container kind of thing. Were you in like San Pedro or something?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're in San Pedro. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was like, they had this moody smokelight and I had guns. That's so cool.
It was so cool. And Bill's like, do it again.
You know what I mean? Do it again.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and he was so like, as a director, I mean, because you know, when you're being directed by a guy like that you look up to, and you know what I mean, it's intimidating.

Speaker 2 It's not no, not because he's my friend,

Speaker 2 but there is a weird thing where it's like, you know, when he's giving you notes, you're like, you know, I gotta do it right. You don't want to fuck it up.

Speaker 2 If it's some guy, TV director, I was like, I'll try my best, but you know what I mean? But with him,

Speaker 2 I don't want to fuck up. There was just a certain kind of pressure.
But it was cool, dude. He was like so cool.
What's the name of the film? I can't tell. I'll talk about it.

Speaker 2 I don't even know how to talk about it. Well, we can talk about your shooting a movie with Bill.
That's fine. Did you know your lines this time?

Speaker 2 Dude, this guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Why don't you go back to your baby? This guy's attitude, Bobby, is

Speaker 2 I don't even know what he means. Here,

Speaker 2 let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 You fancy fuck. All right.
Don't ever talk to me like that again. That's right.
Number one, all right. I've been nice to you.
Too nice. True.
Number two,

Speaker 2 that was uncalled for. Yeah.
All right. I apologize.

Speaker 2 And also, in what circumstance did I not know my lines? The Esther movie. Exactly.
But can I say something this, all right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did my known line. I didn't know my lines.
And also,

Speaker 2 it wasn't that I didn't know my lines. It was

Speaker 2 that particular movie, First Day. It's me and the director.
We have a history, and there was a give and take. And it was just an, it was not, it had nothing to do with the lines, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. So what I'm saying to you does shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Two, all right? Fuck you, dude. And then, you know, you know, I was so proud of you when you had the fucking baby and shit.
Calling you, congratulations. Go fuck yourself, man.
Right on.

Speaker 2 Sitting stewing it, dude. You throw a joke out there.

Speaker 2 You're going to get shot at.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What? Disrespectful, dude.
Carlos knows what he's micro-dosing right now, by the way.

Speaker 2 That's why I know he's being so quiet.

Speaker 2 We got some gifts. Oh, yeah.
And he's micro-dosing for sure.

Speaker 5 I haven't taken any of your gifts.

Speaker 2 But you didn't take any of the micro-dose? Do you take, you ate any of the chocolates? You ate some of the chocolates.

Speaker 5 I had some of the chocolate already.

Speaker 2 How did you like them?

Speaker 5 It's been good.

Speaker 2 Cookies by Carol.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I've been eating more than the micro dose, though.

Speaker 2 Well, you're eating, yeah, to get high. Yeah, exactly.
Can I tell you what I was going to do when the cookies came?

Speaker 2 I was going to pretend that I didn't know what cookie I ate. Oh, and oh, that's horrible.
Well, we made sure because I was like, I know, but that was dangerous. That it was near you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was like, how do I sneak in a cookie? No. Pretend.
You don't even like mushrooms. You never like.
You said you never liked mushrooms. I love shiitake mushrooms in Portobello.

Speaker 2 Not psychedelic. I know.

Speaker 2 But I like mushrooms in general. yeah me too but you don't like psychedelic i don't know i do i just um

Speaker 2 i just yeah it's just you don't need that but i mean there was a split second my alcoholism was like here's a window but i didn't do it well you know what makes it hard to not have alcohol and i'm trying to temper myself on the road but mccone every single day can we get can we get more beer did you do you think we get more beer for the bus by the way polished off two of my whiskey bottles two of my whiskey bottles and then i gave the uh the stage hands i said you guys there's beer and booze in that fridge fridge.

Speaker 2 Have at it. What do I see? He's taken one home.
He took one home. And how do I know he took one home?

Speaker 2 Because I went in his hotel room because the idiot lost his AirPods and goes, I think I love my AirPods. Yeah, we'll get to it.
And then I went in his room.

Speaker 2 By the way, I went in his room with door wide open. Door was open, latched open.
No AirPod. Whiskey bottle drank this much and then left the whole thing.

Speaker 2 So it could have been a gift for somebody else. You ruined it.
And then on top of that, the idiot finds his AirPods after Bobby bought him brand new AirPods.

Speaker 2 I just thought, I thought about that for the last couple of days, right? And I believe this is true.

Speaker 2 I believe

Speaker 2 he always had his AirPods. He wanted new ones.
That is very interesting. And because when I gave him the new ones, so McCung goes, I lost my AirPods, and he was like panicking about it.

Speaker 2 So, you know, me being Bobby Lee and being the nicest guy in the world, I thought, I'm going to get him new ones.

Speaker 2 So we, you know, I had our runner go buy him.

Speaker 2 Right? So, you know, they said, I got him.

Speaker 2 And when I handed it to him, I don't know if you were like grateful or you were the smile on your face was like, I got this guy. Now, did you go from, we can't really hear you, so we'll repeat it.

Speaker 2 Did you have regular AirPods or AirPod Pros? I have regulars. Okay, so what did I buy you? AirPod Pros.
So here's what's annoying. This idiot lost Gen 1 AirPods, and we bought him $400

Speaker 2 or $500. I don't even know how much they are.
They're like $275. Okay, that's $2.75 too much.

Speaker 2 We should have got him the Wired. We should have the best kind.
No, we should should have got him the wired. He deserves wired headphones.
Yeah, yeah. And then, so, was it a trick?

Speaker 2 Because I'm not falling for it again. If you say, I lost my iPad, I'm not going to fucking buy you anything.
Yeah, if you come to us and you're like, I lost my mom and dad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not going to go to China. We're not going to China.
Yeah, we're not finding you nude parents. You can get it cheap.

Speaker 2 Can you find parents? You can find kids. Can you buy parents? You can buy parents.
Yeah. There's some countries that you can buy.
I would love to adopt some parents.

Speaker 2 Well, what kind of parents should we adopt? Shit, man. I would probably get the kind that was like,

Speaker 2 I'd probably go black. You go, you're black adopted.
Nigeria or something. Nice.
Yeah. I think.
What age range are we talking? My parents? Yeah. How are the parents you're going to adopt?

Speaker 2 I want them around for a while, so about 25, 26.

Speaker 2 These are my parents. These are my parents.

Speaker 2 Imagine like these tall, skinny, young black people as my as your parents. My parents would be cool.
Nobody would question it. This is Untuku

Speaker 2 and Maya. And Maya.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you guys.
How long have you... You guys are hoodabby? They're my parents.
What do you mean? Maya, Untuku, hold on.

Speaker 2 I'm mom and dad, I mean, right? These are my parents. I'll speak on their behalf.
Sorry about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So these are my parents.

Speaker 2 I adopted them. You're diverse casting your own family.
That'd be cool. That's smart.
Yeah, I would love to get my buy my own parents. Buy cousins.
Buy into a family would be actually awesome.

Speaker 2 If you could buy a family online to start over again, let's say you're somebody who never had any connective tissue to your real parents. You never knew them or they died or you're adopted.

Speaker 2 Why can't you buy into a family? And Let's start a business, like a website. We'll sell families.
Yeah, we'll even do like the cheaper ones are like second cousins. Right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, $10 for a second cousin. But, like, if you want a real good.
You want a sister? Oh, my God. $100,000.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 that's the ugly one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the low-end sister.
Well, how long are their contracts? How long do these siblings last? Forever. Oh, you get them for life.

Speaker 3 Unless they die. I think it's a yearly subscription.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. I never thought of it.
This is the business. You buy into the family.
Yeah, never right. So, like, if you don't pay your yearly subscription, they just leave.
They disappear.

Speaker 2 They just sneak off to a new family. And they have suitcases, and you're like, Where are you guys going? Like, you didn't pay.

Speaker 2 We should do a family subscription service where if you're out there and you're lonely, you want a family, you never had brothers, sisters, or cousins, or uncles, and aunts, you can buy them from us, from Bad Friends Family, BFF, your BFF for life.

Speaker 2 What's a big brother? Tell me what a big brother is. A big brother is someone who

Speaker 2 was going to do that program. A big brother is when you, usually, it's underprivileged kids who need

Speaker 2 guidance, influence, and

Speaker 2 why don't they have big uncles? That's kind of the same thing. No, because a big uncle's blacking out of the bar.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's a little creepy. Hey, meet me at Hooters.
I'll teach you about life. Yeah, that's the big uncle.
The big uncle. They should have big everything.

Speaker 2 They should have big everything. Big mama.
Well, they do. Oh, who's big? Martin Lawrence shows up every Sunday.

Speaker 2 That's big mom up to your front door. Hey, baby.
Hey, Marlon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so we should, so in our website, we can, we have big people, too. You can, like, big brothers.
Oh, oh, I think big, big people. Do you get to pick the size?

Speaker 2 No, it's like, it's like, you know,

Speaker 2 curated. Going to those, one of those petty, when you go get the doll, the build-a-bear.
Build-a-bear. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Build a parent. Build a friend.
Build an uncle. How great would it be with a Build-A-Bear? By the way, Build-A-Brother would be so cool.
Where there's compartments. You go into a store.

Speaker 2 Now, do you trade in your old one? Like your brother Steve, do do you swap him in for something else? Like it's a lease?

Speaker 2 That'd be cool. Would you trade him in? Yeah.
Imagine you go to trade him in, and they're like, we can get almost nothing for this.

Speaker 2 This thing is used. Anything? I'm sorry, man.
This one's pretty damn interesting. Yeah, but you could sell them for parts.
You can see the Knicks all over this thing.

Speaker 2 This thing is...

Speaker 3 Maybe $5 off your next brother max.

Speaker 2 Or if you could bring your brother to the store and go, I want to just change one thing. I would change the breath.

Speaker 2 You'd swap the breath out. I'd swap the breath out.
Now, is this a shot at someone in the studio? no my brother steve okay

Speaker 2 hey hey hey put the gun down

Speaker 2 oh what the gun down carlos what would okay so carlos

Speaker 2 if we swapped out of carlos yeah let's swap a carlos what would i do i would go um i would go to the hair party you want a hair department yeah you want

Speaker 2 and get like a nice little fill that in a little tuft for um upgrade we'll just up you know what he just needs an upgrade do you have a software update that we

Speaker 2 need to run you through

Speaker 2 just a little taller and more hair that's it i think you're perfect just the way you are and i I mean that. Thanks, Sandy.

Speaker 2 By the way, when Burt Kreischer takes off his shirt on stage, people lose their mind. When this kid takes off his hat, they go fucking crazy.
Ape shit. It's amazing.
Taking anything off is ape shit.

Speaker 2 Well, and you know what? And I promise you. And I promise you, no more swapping shirts.
We know that that last leg, no one. No, I know, but because somebody did say it.
She did.

Speaker 2 And she said, please can I have your shirt? And then you, and I said, immediately I said, what did I say? You said, I'm not doing that anymore. Yeah.
That's what you said. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I said, he's not doing it. And then she said, can you make Andrew give me his shirt? And you go, he actually really likes that shirt.
And I love you for that because I really love that shirt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because that's not what you did for me the last time.

Speaker 2 But we switched, do we switch? We're back to square. I know, I know, but

Speaker 2 I was letting you know this is how you're supposed to behave in that situation. I'm being good.
I'm coaching you, you're coaching me.

Speaker 2 I'm making sure your butthole is facing away from the audience every day. That's true, that's true.
I'm blocking it. Bobby, you know, we talked about it.
We got in trouble.

Speaker 2 10 grand showing his butthole in Atlanta. We're not doing anymore.
Now the buttholes are always at stage.

Speaker 2 But even this butthole in Phoenix, I turned around to the side of the stage to see my because my mom was sitting on the couch. Yeah.
Yeah, she was. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So I turned around, and you know know what i mean she's looking at me and i and i i

Speaker 2 you're not gonna like this but she had binoculars

Speaker 2 she was staring right into it just like that is

Speaker 2 by the way we had a couple of great responses from some of the fans we had one girl when we said give us give us one nickname uh for your vagina or one word that describes it and the funniest one one girl said long and i died yeah long

Speaker 2 i've been thinking about she goes i'm 5'10. yeah of course course it's long.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I go, is it a penis? She goes, no, no, it's just super long.

Speaker 2 But is the lips long? I think it's long. Oh, the canal is long.
The length is long.

Speaker 2 I like long. Well, I know you.
Yeah, I just don't like a drip, dripping down like

Speaker 2 squid legs, you know what I mean? Like Ren from Ren and Stimpy, you know, like drippy lips. Do you want that? Squid legs?

Speaker 5 What? I mean, I'm fine with whatever.

Speaker 2 I know you. Yeah, we know you.
We know. Oh, my God.
No, no, no. You know what? I didn't want to say anything.
That's how you're successful. You have discernible taste.

Speaker 2 It's not like you're actually picky. You don't go after.

Speaker 2 But literally, if there was tentacles coming out like a squid, with none of those options, you would still do it. No, that's not.
Well, dude, tentacle porn is a thing for a reason.

Speaker 2 Somebody must get it. Somebody looks like it.
Yeah. You know, somebody must get into that kind of thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And by the way, I have never had one interaction from my youth where I got naked with a woman and saw and was like, no. I've never done that.
I've never gone, oh, no. Never.

Speaker 2 So you're going to do it anyway.

Speaker 2 Have I said, what do you mean, oh, if you're both naked, and let's say you see that she's just long lips Lenore and she's dragging the floor, you're still going to go through with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's like jumping, like you're skydiving. You're already jumping out.
You can't hold on to the plane. No, you're already in the air.
You're away from the plane, right?

Speaker 2 You're like, I'm in it. I'm out.
I got to do it. Yeah, I have to finish.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what looking at a vagina is like, I hear. But on this, but in this case, you don't pull the rib cord.
You hit the floor and die.

Speaker 5 I've done it. I've gotten back in the plane before with escorts.

Speaker 2 Whoa. So when you get an escort, you don't like the way it is and you say, no, thank you.

Speaker 5 I just have so many times where I've seen an escort and I'm like, I shouldn't have done this. I'm people pleasing right now.

Speaker 4 But like, there's a couple of times. I don't think he's

Speaker 2 like, who are you?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 How are you?

Speaker 2 No, you can people please because I get there and the girl's not as hot.

Speaker 3 You saw it and you're like, I'm not paying for this.

Speaker 2 You paid already and then

Speaker 2 give them the money.

Speaker 5 I feel bad and I'm like, I'll just do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're doing them a service. No, like, because I want to fucking leave and she's not as attractive.
Dude, why don't you be a man and go, hey, why why don't you take the money for your time?

Speaker 2 I appreciate you. Like an adult.
And then go, I think I'm going to go on my way. I just don't feel comfortable having sex right now.
And how grateful they would be.

Speaker 2 They'd be like, I didn't want to have sex with you either. Okay, I'm not such a bad client.
No, no, no. I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 They probably are tired because I know you get girls that are just rifling through people. You're not getting premium.
You're getting some girl that just came from another appointment.

Speaker 2 No, there's no chance you're getting a girl that's fresh for the day.

Speaker 2 You're getting fourth or fifth round. You're not a top-round pick.
You're not round one. You're going sixth or seventh round.
Yeah, I'm not Drake, of course. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 So she's tired.

Speaker 2 She doesn't want to fuck you either let her go yeah but i don't want to have to pay for i don't want to have to give the money and then be like i'm out oh it's a money thing that's yeah i'm not gonna

Speaker 2 yeah it's a money thing with you oh no it's not like that's so shallow you already got them naked they're in front of me like tji fridays i paid for the meal we didn't even eat the fly meal either we didn't even eat it and that's the same thing it's the same thing we saw a fry we saw a fly in our chips and that's like you seeing escort a fly in the vagina oh i do have something to tell you guys And here we go.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. I'm excited.
This is brand new.

Speaker 4 Brand's making new news.

Speaker 2 All right. Okay.

Speaker 5 In

Speaker 5 Louisville, I didn't tell anyone this, but I did have an escort come to the hotel.

Speaker 5 So we can add a girl to the number.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I was going to tell you. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 Wait, we didn't even have a hotel in Louisville.

Speaker 2 You got a hotel.

Speaker 4 No, wait, what city was it then?

Speaker 5 See, I'm forgetting that. I don't even know what city.

Speaker 3 Louisville was the fly in the TGF.

Speaker 5 I think it was the one. When did we go do the ADR for Magnum?

Speaker 2 Oh, that was when we were Charlotte. Yeah.
There you go. Oh, yeah.
Charlotte. No, no, Durham, Durham.
We went from Durham to Raleigh.

Speaker 5 Yeah, she had a thick southern accent.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So you got a little friend of the night in Raleigh.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and she showed up and she was all ratchet. I was like, oh no, they're all going to know.
She showed up through the wrong door.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 And I literally had to be like, cover her up.

Speaker 2 To the Marriott. Yes.
I was like, cover her up. You know what's insane? That night.
I went for a ride on the scoot to

Speaker 2 Duke. You know, I went and scooted to Duke.
I remember doing that. And when I came back i saw a little lady of the night

Speaker 2 i swear to god but i didn't think much of it because i felt like that area had a couple of ladies roaming around well this was from the internet i didn't go on the street but uh-huh yeah but she might have been waiting for her sister to pick her up she had like really tattered dark hair really like tattery like kind of stringy dark hair yeah you might have seen my girl

Speaker 5 did you do it Yeah, it was, I mean, LA is obviously the best, but.

Speaker 2 Bad boy. It was just fun.
Let me ask you. What did the lady of the night cost in Durham?

Speaker 5 I just gave her 300 bucks.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? She didn't ask for money? You just didn't. Well, I mean, it's pretty low in Durham.
300. No, it's not legal.
No, it's not. No, it's not legal.

Speaker 2 If he gets arrested, do we get in trouble? No, of course not. Okay, no, but we leave it.
We leave it in there.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. We will leave you there.
Yeah. No, I'm not going to do that.
No bail.

Speaker 3 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 No bail. You wouldn't help me? You think we want on our record bailing out?

Speaker 2 No. Not as a girl.

Speaker 2 No, you pay for what you did. All right, you're right.
You're right. It's a bad boy.
You serve your time like a man. You're right.
You get out on the other side and you learn a skill.

Speaker 2 Find Jesus and you make a couple of things. I hope you get like assaulted in prison today.
That's right.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 4 because I went to jail for the Xanax thing really quickly, and I went to court.

Speaker 2 Your mom and your dad, I met them.

Speaker 2 They know I've been to jail.

Speaker 2 It's just, I feel so. Your parents are just so normal.
You know what the worst part is, pop? And I met your sisters, like, what happened to you? His father shook my hand,

Speaker 2 looked in my eyes and goes, thank you so much for taking care of Carlos. What you've done for him has been

Speaker 2 instrumental. And I said, you know what? You got a great kid on your hands.
Meanwhile, you're out throwing $300 at somebody upstairs at the Marriott. You're a bad boy.
I shook your father's hand.

Speaker 4 But that's not a bad thing. I gave a woman money for a service and now she

Speaker 2 doesn't want you doing that.

Speaker 4 No, now she gives back to

Speaker 5 the economy.

Speaker 4 I'm creating

Speaker 2 crack. That girl bought crack.
But also, can I say this? By doing that behavior, you're perpetuating trauma. You are.
Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 5 No, you are.

Speaker 2 You don't want you want to be aware of that.

Speaker 4 There's a feminist argument to this.

Speaker 2 Okay, and I'm on the screen. Let me tell you something.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 We're pro-sex work. We believe in safety.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So let's say that. A.
So does she safety?

Speaker 2 B, B, you really want to make up for some of your faults, all right, for some of the ways you've treated these girls and said, go home or whatever, I'm over it. I never said that.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 I want you to get, you know what? In the next city we go to, I do want you to get somebody.

Speaker 2 And I want you to not have any sort of relations with them, give them money and say, I want you to use this to get back on your feet to get

Speaker 2 $1,000. No, $2,000.
Two thousand dollars. That's a really high-end estimate.
Three thousand. Keep talking, and it's gonna go up.

Speaker 3 No sex, though, no touching.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know why.

Speaker 2 You threw a gun at us. You threw a gun.
Hostile.

Speaker 2 Hey, he did it with his Mexican mind. With his Mexican mind.

Speaker 2 Mexican X-Men, dude. That was crazy.

Speaker 2 He went like that. He just went.

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Would you ever get a male escort? I don't think I could. Why?

Speaker 2 Let's get you one on the road. You don't have to do anything with them.

Speaker 3 I would love to go to like a Thunder Down Under show.

Speaker 2 Let's take her to one. Let's go.

Speaker 2 I would love to go. But you guys would.
But do we have to pretend we're... Do you know what the problem is? You know what just happened?

Speaker 2 You and and I both got so excited for that.

Speaker 2 Our fans, we got to calm that down. I know.
Because the fans are like, they're gay. And we're not.
But we do get rid of it. We kind of are.
Yeah, we are. We kind of are.

Speaker 2 Because when she was like, we both went, oh, let's go.

Speaker 2 Strip club, not interested. Under, down, under.
Also, that night you showed me your asshole. It was too long.

Speaker 2 What? What do you mean? How long it was open? He got it. Yeah, you spread your butthole.
I was sitting there. I held it.
And for a comedy joke, two seconds. It goes like this.

Speaker 2 It goes one butthole, two butthole. Close it.
Close, right? Yeah, you're right. It was 30 seconds.
I went one butthole, two butthole. Three butthole.

Speaker 2 I counted the freckles. Nine, by the way.
You know Orion's belt? The shark fix back there. If you look in my asshole long enough, you can see it.

Speaker 3 Bobby sat down and drew it like Leo in Titanic did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was too long, dude. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I think you were buzzed.
I was a little buzzed. You're buzzed.
So you just did it.

Speaker 2 I opened up a little. Yeah.
By the way, you just jumped in my mind something else that I saw today. Is it Bill Pullman was in Titanic? Bill Pullman? Yeah, Bill Paxon.
Paxon. Yeah.
He passed away.

Speaker 2 I know. He told a story that I saw probably on a podcast online from a clip that was from years ago.
Did you guys know that

Speaker 2 the soup on set was spiked with PCP? Have you heard the story? Wow, no. No, this is insane.
Him and James Cameron,

Speaker 2 they're going to go eat food. And every day he had gone out for lunch because the catering wasn't his favorite.
And he was like, I'm just going to go out for lunch. I don't really want to.

Speaker 2 And Cameron was like, I just, I kind of want to get some of this chowder. Like, let's get chowder and we'll go talk and whatever.
He comes down. They both get chowder.
They have some.

Speaker 2 He goes back to his office. Bill goes back to his room.

Speaker 2 He starts, he gets knocked on the door and somebody's like, hey, are you feeling okay? And he's like, yeah. And he's like, well, a lot of people are not doing so well from the chowder.

Speaker 2 And he was like, well, I mean, I think I'm fine. I've been drinking water.
I mean, we'll see. He thinks, oh, man, the chowder went bad.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have the two ends.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 150 people got dosed with PCP on the set of Titanic. Oh, my God.
And he runs over to James Cameron and is like, how are you feeling? And Cameron was like, I think something's going on.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm feeling it. And he goes, he goes, I knew how to beat it.
He goes, I'm really high right now. So he goes, I'm just going to go drink a case of beer and go to bed.
And that's what he did.

Speaker 2 He went and bought a case of beer and shugged it until he got so drunk he fell asleep to beat the acid. Wow.

Speaker 2 But they dosed something. They never caught the guy, never found out who did it, but he dosed the clam chowder and catering.

Speaker 2 And 150 people on the set of Titanic had to go to the hospital because half these people didn't know what was going on. Whoa.
Wow. Tripping on acid.

Speaker 2 And PCP is one of those drugs where you run through walls and stuff, too, right? No, no. PCP is

Speaker 2 acid. Yeah, it's like hard psychosis.
No, but you would hear it's like, oh, that guy was on PCP and he ran through a wall. I mean, I would use stories about that.

Speaker 4 70s propaganda.

Speaker 2 Acid? Am I crazy? It's different. It's different.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 PCP gives you like super strength.

Speaker 2 Super strength.

Speaker 3 People lift cars on it.

Speaker 2 It's called Pixie Dust.

Speaker 2 Oh, right. Right.
It's also known as dust. Yeah, angel dust.
Sorry, that's right. My bad.
And they went.

Speaker 2 But it causes hallucinations, right? So, yeah, you hallucinate like crazy.

Speaker 2 Phenoclidine, phenoquon, piperdine. It's scary.
It's angel dust. Yeah, disassociative anesthetic, mainly use recreationally significant mind-altering effects.

Speaker 2 So these people were all dosed out of their minds on PCP. Whoa.
How? Dude. I would have been great.
Yeah, hell yeah. Imagine that Titanic if they should have filmed it.

Speaker 2 They lift the boat back out of the water.

Speaker 2 It's fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They just fix it. I'm the king of the world.

Speaker 2 Leo running on water. I'm Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 I don't know why that reminded me of it. Oh, but going back, Thunder Down Under,

Speaker 2 we are going to go. Let's take a trip to Vegas and we'll go to Thunder Down Under.

Speaker 3 Holy shit, that would be so fun.

Speaker 2 We should do a Bad Friend show in Vegas in the fall. No, I want to do it.
We should do a Bad Friend Show in Vegas in the fall. We should go to Thunder Down Under.

Speaker 2 In fact, if we really have balls, we should bring them on the stage for our show. Hell yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'm giving away a secret that we don't want to have out to the world. Because maybe we would make that happen.
Maybe we. Do they, like, Thunder Down Under, do they, like, give lap dances?

Speaker 3 I think so. Of course it it would.
To like a few select ones. Can we get one?

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. No, I'm not kidding.
Hey, hey, yeah. I don't want one.

Speaker 2 No, they get super dirty.

Speaker 2 They get dirty. They'll dance right up.
They'll pull women on stage and they'll put their balls right in their face. Oh, yeah.
Like real balls.

Speaker 3 Have you seen Magic Mike?

Speaker 2 Yeah. What do you mean, their balls?

Speaker 2 They don't have like a second set of balls.

Speaker 2 I would have like joke balls.

Speaker 2 You just have four balls. It's just two red

Speaker 2 plastic balls. So you tuck your real ones and you have your face.
Yeah, I don't want my real balls out there. You know what I I mean? I want like beautiful prosthetic balls.

Speaker 3 They keep them in their pants, but they're rubbing them. You've done this before.
I've seen all the Magic Mike movies.

Speaker 2 But is it like you know, some strip clubs, they'll whisper like when they're giving you a lap dance like a little extra, you know what I mean? I'll turn you off.

Speaker 3 Do they drink that? I don't think they do that, but I've never been

Speaker 2 like, for a little extra, I'll let you blow me.

Speaker 3 No, they like throw you in there.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're strong.
When you're watching Transporn,

Speaker 2 not that I have. Go on.

Speaker 2 Not that I have.

Speaker 2 But there's this one I saw.

Speaker 2 You got to check them out. Yeah, yeah.
There's one that I check out. She's beautiful.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, just stunning. Go on.
Right?

Speaker 2 And she,

Speaker 2 or they, I don't know. Whatever.
Yeah, yeah. They

Speaker 2 are getting their penis sucked.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And if I stroke a little bit watching it, what does that make me? Horny. Not that I did.

Speaker 2 Not that I did. But you're asking for permission? No, I'm not asking for permission.
I was just thinking it. Permission to launch.
I did it.

Speaker 2 I did that a little bit. I did it.
It's fantasy. It's not real.
It's not real.

Speaker 3 But if you see a straight porn with a man fucking a woman and you struck to that, same thing.

Speaker 2 Same thing. Same thing.
You're gay. Look, same saying you're gay.
Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 So what? You're gay. What a mistake.

Speaker 2 Have you watched porn and masturbated?

Speaker 2 Porn?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not Disney films, but porn. I've never seen it.
That's a thing. But I'm excited to watch porn.
I've never seen it yet, but I am excited to start it.

Speaker 2 Andreas, have you? Do you watch porn to masturbate?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You guys are just fucking fucked with it. Of course I do.
What do you mean? Of course he does. What do you mean? But do you ever watch anything weird or like, oh, that's a little uncomfortable?

Speaker 2 I've watched, yeah, you know, I've talked about it on the show, I think. Anime, I like anime.
Okay, okay. I told you what I really like.
Or I used to like.

Speaker 2 I don't watch it anymore, but I used to see it. I used to like,

Speaker 2 oh man, what is the one?

Speaker 2 It's an anime

Speaker 2 Overwatch. Overwatch.

Speaker 2 Overwatch.

Speaker 2 It's like mutants with 40 dicks.

Speaker 2 Fucking like 40 chicks.

Speaker 2 It's rad. It is? It's rad.
And it rouses you. It's just fun.
Because I'm sick of the old, like, oh no, I'm stuck in the dryer. It's like, she's not stuck in the dryer.
Right. Fake thing.

Speaker 2 Do you do it as a woman? Do you watch porn?

Speaker 2 Or do you use your imagination?

Speaker 3 I'll do both, but I watch porn sometimes.

Speaker 2 By yourself watching it? Yeah, by myself.

Speaker 2 Do you use a machine?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I use a machine. It's weird to call it a machine.

Speaker 2 What is it called? What's it called?

Speaker 3 A vibrator.

Speaker 2 How many toys do you have?

Speaker 3 One.

Speaker 2 One seems safe. Do you have toys? Yeah.
What kind? Oh, yeah. I mean, you name it.
I got it. No, I'll be real.
You name it?

Speaker 2 No, be real.

Speaker 2 Calls, stalls, calls, calls. I got, what do I have? I have cockring.
Vibrating cockring? Love those. You have a vibrating cockring? I've got two of them.
Do you really? Yeah. Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 It goes to the bottom or just where the top is. Imagine I just keep it on the head.

Speaker 2 No, it goes to the bottom.

Speaker 2 Does it have a

Speaker 2 little

Speaker 2 vibrator at the bottom? I understand.

Speaker 2 I understand. Oh, it's for her.
Well, you can flip it. Look, you can flip it up at the top so it touches her clit, or you can put it down below so it tickles kind of her, you know, the asshole.

Speaker 2 But does it make your penis vibrate? It's on my dick.

Speaker 2 But it's super fun. I love it.
Vibrating cockering is one of my favorites. I mean, they're so, and they're silicone, so they're not, I don't have like a, like, I think, I think

Speaker 2 back in the day, it used to be like an actual hard ring. No, thanks.
Give me the silicone ones. It's easy to slide on and off.
I have like 15 things. What do you have? Oh, you have pocket pussies.

Speaker 2 But not just, I have the ones that you charge and dilithium crystals.

Speaker 2 That's what you put in it.

Speaker 3 He puts it in his ass.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Do you have the enterprise logo on the side?

Speaker 2 When you come, you have to.

Speaker 2 Wait, do you plug it into the wall?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I charge them.

Speaker 2 Wow. So, in your wall sockets are phone chargers, vibrator chargers,

Speaker 2 zape chargers. No,

Speaker 2 my pocket pussy and my switch go into one thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I have those in one. Just like Nintendo intended.

Speaker 2 Imagine the game developers at Nintendo, they have a Switch that also has a Pocket Pussy charger on the side.

Speaker 2 But every year I get a new one because I want to know what the the technology is like and well yeah and they get better and better you know they sure do don't so there's like you know you know they have you know buttons and stuff and what it does is there's vibration and also suction

Speaker 2 you press a button it just

Speaker 2 sucks it out

Speaker 2 really yeah it sucks yeah it pulls your penis in okay i'll admit something what you want an admittance on this show there we go i've never admitted this but i'll admit it to you guys one time we got sex toys for the show we got like uh do you remember this fancy what did we get we got like, we got sex toys.

Speaker 2 We got like a little butt, a little butt, a butt, a little, like a button, a pussy, a silicone one. Oh, yeah.
And I was like, I'll throw these away.

Speaker 2 Yo,

Speaker 2 no, you're getting like that. Where'd you go? Your clip truck? Get ready.
Yeah. I used it at the studio.
Here? At the old studio. Oh, you did? I did.
Yeah. Late at night?

Speaker 2 Late one night after Whiskey Ginger, I was recording in the old studio. Yeah.
And I recorded it. Your guest was probably still there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gatus is still there. What are you doing, dog?

Speaker 2 So good. After my guest left, I wish I remember who it was, but it was after the guest left.
I was in the room doing stuff on my computer, and this was like an hour, two goes by.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Dude, I've been in that room. I know.

Speaker 3 With your glass of whiskey, one candle burning.

Speaker 2 I was just on my computer, and then the box was on the floor, and I was like,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 it's not going to get used.

Speaker 2 And you know how weird this is? I went to the bathroom where

Speaker 2 we kept baby wipes in the bathroom. And I just wiped, even though it was fresh, it was never retouched.

Speaker 6 George might have used it.

Speaker 2 What? George my hobbyist before.

Speaker 3 Eskimo Brothers.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. I knew it tasted weird.
Imagine me going down on a sofa.

Speaker 2 No, but I but I took it out of the, I saw the box. It was looking right at me.
Almost like the whole time. Every time I would type like tick, tick, tick, you know, in the box, I was like, come on.

Speaker 2 So I did. I tried it.
And honestly,

Speaker 2 I had to throw it away. Oh, because it was going to be a problem.
It was too good.

Speaker 2 Honestly,

Speaker 2 I imagine it's like when people do heroin and they're like, oh, no, I want to do this every day for the rest of my life. You know, I'm going to buy one tonight.
Good, let's do it.

Speaker 2 No, I'm really, I'm going to go to the hustle. I'm going to buy a new one tonight.

Speaker 3 Let's go to the sex store together.

Speaker 2 Really? No, inappropriate. Inappropriate.

Speaker 2 Totally not. That's insane.
Also,

Speaker 2 I forgot to mention.

Speaker 3 I feel like a creep going by.

Speaker 2 McCone, Carlos, or Jesse, did you guys wrap me out from the poo? Nope. No, I told you.
I can't believe we haven't talked talked about this on the show. Nope.
So let's talk about it.

Speaker 2 Everyone at home keeps asking,

Speaker 2 has anybody pooped on the bus? Well, guess what? Somebody pooped on the bus and you wouldn't believe who it is.

Speaker 3 Soon in next week to find out.

Speaker 2 So I eat something and then we're driving on the bus, you know, and our driver's driving. We're in the middle of nowhere.
I'm laying there and I have this ache in my stomach. Like a pinch.

Speaker 2 Right. And I'm like, oh, fuck that.
I sit up and I'm cruel over. It was so painful.
And I was gone for the record. I was still in Denver, right? That's when you guys were.
Yeah, you were in Denver.

Speaker 2 So I stayed in Denver. And I did

Speaker 2 an opening, which is a fart.

Speaker 2 When you invited, you invited someone over to the party. The prelude.
My butthole said. Prelude, right?

Speaker 2 My butthole says, hello. That's the formula.
Hello. And the poop goes, we're here.
We're here. Oh, wait.
No, no, no. I didn't clean up yet.

Speaker 2 No, no, you guys can't come in yet. No, no, no.
Yeah. We're here.

Speaker 2 We're here. So I'm, and then, like, I'm telling my butthole, don't shut the fuck up, right?

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden they're at the door.

Speaker 2 You know what reminded me of it? Remember when all those people showed up at

Speaker 2 Bilbo Baggins

Speaker 2 house? Oh, here we go again.

Speaker 2 You know how those dwarves just show up, knock, and then they're like eating in the

Speaker 2 every time this guy.

Speaker 3 The tea shows up.

Speaker 2 That's what it reminded me of. Right.
There's just one dwarf after another showing up. So you had to shit because we were on the end.
And I was going to go, can you pull over?

Speaker 2 But I looked out the window. We're in forest.

Speaker 2 Just forest. And I go, all right, I'm going to get in trouble.
So I took a shit and it smelled immediately. You know, our roadmap was right.

Speaker 2 It just stunk up the fucking place. Yes, because the septic tank is right below where you guys sleep.
Yeah. It smelled like

Speaker 2 the worst. I flush.
I baby wipe my butthole. I lay there.
And I laid there for like four hours like a fucking vampire. And I was just with my eyes open going, I don't know.

Speaker 3 It's like the telltale heart.

Speaker 2 You hear the heart beating from the bottom of the bottom. And then all of a sudden, the shit was just like, we're down here.

Speaker 2 You're not getting rid of us, Bobby.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden,

Speaker 2 I smell chlorine.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's how I woke up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I kind of doze up. I woke up and there's chlorine.

Speaker 2 Bleach. It's bleach.
Bleach, yeah. And the bus driver, our buddy, cleaned it.

Speaker 3 Like he's cleaning up a murder.

Speaker 2 Like a murder. He's mopping.
So I tell these three. Well, he had to unload the tank.

Speaker 2 He has to get rid of it somewhere. He had to go to...
I feel so bad. Yeah, a septic drop because it has to come.
It can't stay in the tank. I feel so bad.

Speaker 2 And so then I tell Carlos, McCone, and Jews: I go, Don't tell Andrew, but I took a shit on the bus.

Speaker 3 Well, you told me privately, you said, Don't tell anybody, but you told that to all of us except for Andrew.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this guy's the don't tell anybody.

Speaker 2 Don't tell everybody. Well, no, because I want to be the fucking.
So, here's who knows. I'm Paul Revere.

Speaker 2 I want to be Paul Revere. I'm telling everyone.
Well, let me tell you something. You took a midnight ride, didn't you? Yeah, I did a midnight ride.

Speaker 2 And then now we're at the venue, and you walk up to me. Spoken, I show up, I fly fly in that.
Yes, spoken, and you go,

Speaker 2 you took a shit on the bus, didn't you? It's out of nowhere. Your face was amazing.
I was livid. That you, you got regular white guy eyes.
They went with the round eye.

Speaker 2 It's like when you saw that ghost. Yeah, same thing.
Yeah, yeah. Same thing.
Yeah, yeah. Literally, you got so scared.
And I go, and I knew that you three had rattled, somebody had ratten me out.

Speaker 2 Right? And let's just get this out of the way now. That's fine.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to say this too, as your boss, guys. All right.

Speaker 2 As your boss. Honestly, dude.
Honestly. Yeah.
No hard feelings. No resentment.
It's just a story. It's in our past.
But you can now admit to me now, with no retaliation,

Speaker 2 who told Andrew?

Speaker 3 It was Carlos.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Here's the deal. Did you really? No.

Speaker 2 I did it.

Speaker 2 You reacted. No, I did.
Holy fuck. You're fired.

Speaker 2 You're fucking fired. You're reacting.
What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 7 You never fucking told me that you pooped on the bus.

Speaker 2 You only told Jesse and McCone.

Speaker 4 I didn't find out till the venue when Andrew pulled up to us.

Speaker 3 Sorry, Carla.

Speaker 2 And you had an intuition? Here's the mystery. My favorite thing in the world was knowing that

Speaker 2 you thought somebody ratted you out. But the truth is, the ultimate truth is nobody ratted you out.
When I stepped onto the bus and nobody was on the bus, it was beyond squeaky clean.

Speaker 2 And it was so clean that I thought, that's really fucking weird. Nobody cleaned.
We don't have a cleaning crew to come clean the bus this week. Why is the bus so clean?

Speaker 2 And then I thought, did Jesse clean the bus? No.

Speaker 2 And then I went into the bathroom to take a piss. And when I got in there, it was almost as if the toilet, when I lifted up the lid,

Speaker 2 the lid spoke to me and went, Bobby, talk.

Speaker 2 Kill me. Because it stunk like chlorine.
It stunk like bleach. Someone had bleached it.
Or you said the dwarves showed up at the Shire. The Shire.
They were there.

Speaker 2 And there was so much bleach in the air. Immediately, I go,

Speaker 2 Fabio, took a shit on the bus.

Speaker 2 I knew right away. Holy fuck.
And I walked inside. I looked you right in the face and I go, took a shit on the bus.
And you went, what?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Who told you? Who told you? You freaked out. And I freaked the fuck out.
Nobody told me, buddy. So if I would have said, what are you talking about? It would have been.

Speaker 2 I would have known. Something was in my body.
Something told me you pooped on the bus. It just, I felt it in my butt.
By the way, my butto told you. Your butto told me.

Speaker 2 You know how girls get on a cycle when they live together? Yeah. You and I are cycling right now.

Speaker 2 I felt it inside. Something inside me was like, Bobby pooped on the bus.
Because we're cycling, baby. So you didn't rat me out, Carlos.
No. But he did rat you out for other stuff.
Tons of other stuff.

Speaker 2 Tons and tons and tons of other stuff. And also, I want to say this.
We love our bus driver. He's great.
He's the best. He's also,

Speaker 2 sometimes at night, I get scared we're going to die. Oh, dude, one night.

Speaker 3 It feels like we're flying.

Speaker 2 We're going like 110. And I felt a bump so bad, everything fell off the shelf.
It was like we went off a fucking Tony McConnell.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it was insane. I swear to God.
So I get up and I'm in the, I'm in my underwear, I'm in the hallway. It's like four in the morning, and in the darkness, you scared the shit out of me.

Speaker 2 Well, because you were turned around and I woke up like you did. These guys stayed in their bunk.
They're ready to die. Yeah, yeah.
They're biggie smalls. They're all ready to die.

Speaker 2 I get out of my bunk and I go look at, I go walk through the hallways. You can't see me.
I can tell. And then when you turn around, I go, Bob, and you go,

Speaker 2 it was so sad. And then both of us were like, What was that? And then I walked up there to see

Speaker 2 because I, I, there's a curtain, so I wanted to see if I saw you peek in there, yeah. And I peeked in to see, and he was sleeping, right? Maybe he was dozing.

Speaker 2 Well, I thought maybe he's dozing off, you know, but no, not at all. Yeah, he was sleeping in the, in the passenger seat.
He must have driving himself. No, he was fine.
It was just,

Speaker 2 it was a little, I felt like a little, maybe he wasn't all the way awake because I heard a little

Speaker 2 when we go to the side. Yeah.
And that's when the

Speaker 2 happens. Yeah, yeah.
So if we die on the next leg, it's been great. It's been great.
And

Speaker 2 I have another question for you. Please.

Speaker 2 If I may.

Speaker 2 I had an incident the other day and I want to ask the room. Yeah, feel the room.
I want to feel the room out to see who's in the wrong. Okay.
So I'm shooting this thing. I'm on your side.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's five in the morning.
Right. I don't know the makeup hair department.

Speaker 2 You mean you're not familiar with them at all? I don't know. I just met them.
Right. Makeup woman, a nice Asian lady.
And she's doing

Speaker 2 my girlfriend in this movie is Chinese.

Speaker 2 I'm just sitting there getting my hair done.

Speaker 2 And I go, hey, what's your name? The actress tells me her name. I go, where are you from? She goes,

Speaker 2 I'm from China. You know, I was born there.
I love China. You know, that's where TikTok and COVID comes from.

Speaker 2 Facts. Facts.

Speaker 2 And then I just hear the room change.

Speaker 2 Because you told her facts?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like everyone laughed.
And I look over. No.
I look over, and the Asian makeup artist and her, they're just.

Speaker 2 Is the Asian makeup artist Chinese as well? Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. No, she's not Chinese.
She's Korean. Oh, she's on your team.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 There's no teams here. Well, yeah, there are.
I know, there should be. Yeah.
I realize she's probably North Korean.

Speaker 2 She's right closer to China.

Speaker 2 My point is this. It changes.
Then

Speaker 2 the girl that plays my girl, she leaves, and I'm sitting there, and then I get moved over to makeup, and the makeup artist goes, I can't fucking believe you said that.

Speaker 2 I go, what? Because I'm tired. She goes, COVID? You think that's funny? Well, I mean.
And I go, I was, is this early? And, you know, I just throw out a joke. It's a joke.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she goes, you know, we've been attacked for that

Speaker 2 as a people. I go, what? What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They make a stink of it. So So does this get around to Bill and everybody? Okay.
No, because I had to nip it in the butt.

Speaker 2 I had to nip it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had to nip it. Yeah, careful.
I had to nip it there. Yeah, you had to nip it in the bottom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a chink in my armor there.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Right, so.
You made a joke. I made a joke.
A small joke. A small joke.
And they did not appreciate it. Oh, no.
It was going to, if there was HR, they would have gone. What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, you know, for me, it's like. How uncomfortable is the love scene then? Did you have a love scene? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Thank God. But I knew what to do.
I turned to the Asian, the makeup artist, and I go, I'm so sorry. It's early.
I threw out a joke. I'm a comic.
I don't know if you know that.

Speaker 2 She's like, I know, but it's not funny. Yes, it is.
I know. And then

Speaker 2 thank you so fucking.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for being on my side. I would have left.
You're my fucking ally. If you said TikTok and COVID, I'd have been like, true.
I would have been on the other side of the makeup trailer.

Speaker 2 We're both now fired. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Well, then we'll walk out together. Also, none of that is rude, to be honest.
It's a joke. Thank you.
But it's real. Thank you, baby.
Are we wrong? Are we wrong here?

Speaker 3 What's going on? Maybe you go next time, go, oh, I love China. That's where TikTok is from.

Speaker 2 Oh, you don't say COVID. You go.

Speaker 3 You leave an ambiguity.

Speaker 2 And then they'll go, what do you mean by?

Speaker 3 And you go, you know.

Speaker 2 Or I'd be clever about it. Dog eating.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You'd be clever about it. You just go,

Speaker 2 that's where TikTok and

Speaker 2 Fauci's family is from.

Speaker 2 That's a little twist around. And then I had to go.
I was on set now, and I see the girl that plays my girlfriend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's sitting there and she's like in a bad mood. I can tell.
Just because of this. I know, right, right.
So they're not. I leaned up against the wall.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 do you have the audition for this? Yeah, I mean, I didn't say it.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to say. I didn't want to say what I wanted to say, right? She's like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, it's offer-only for you, which makes it worse. Yeah, yeah.
So I'm like,

Speaker 2 hey, I just want to tell you, I was really sorry about that, Joe. I was so early.
And she's like, just, yeah, I mean, I'm just really sensitive about it. But

Speaker 2 really? Yeah, I'm okay.

Speaker 2 I just think about it.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to go, you fucking pant fan.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? But I just went, you know, thank you so much. Let's just have a good day.
You know what I mean? Are we wrong here?

Speaker 3 I know, but I think if people are that, or if people are sensitive to jokes in an entertainment environment, then they should have to like alter their behavior.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is good. They should come in the room and go, guys, I'm I'm sensitive about COVID and TikTok jokes.
Yes. I'm letting you know I'm Chinese.
No Chinese jokes, please.

Speaker 3 Yeah, put it on the table.

Speaker 2 But we live in a different world now. Yeah, but that's okay.
Honestly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Fancy.

Speaker 2 Well, no, you're bad to ask because you're on our team. Carlos, be a mediator here.
Be the Zen Buddhist. All right.
Where is COVID from? Wuhan. Wuhan's where?

Speaker 5 It's in a lab in China.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's in China. Carlos, where?

Speaker 2 it's in a lab in China.

Speaker 2 No, no, I mean, literal. Carlos, where's TikTok from? China.
Okay, so two for two. Yeah.
Both of those things are true. And neither of them are like mean.

Speaker 2 It's a fact that a thing happened there, and that's what happened. Maybe if I put a positive one in there for us, I went, that's where TikTok, Yao Ming, and COVID.

Speaker 3 Yeah, maybe you needed the rule of three.

Speaker 2 The rule of three. I think that was the problem.
Dude, that is actually true. It would have been a better joke.
You've been a Joe, yeah, Yao Ming, and COVID.

Speaker 3 Try it again next time you see her with the three.

Speaker 2 Honestly, if you you see her again in a makeup chair, I would do the exact same thing again.

Speaker 6 You just have to do what they do with all movies now. They have a disclaimer.
So, like, oh, this movie is racist, but we're showing it anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or whatever, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You should just wear a shirt that's parental advisory at all times.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's like fancy.
He's saying this to justify his next movie, by the way. It's called The N-word.
And they say the N-word is

Speaker 2 8,000. And it's so funny because it's like, oh, who are you going to go to? Bill Burr? I know.

Speaker 2 Bill, excuse me. I know you're to watch the movie, but excuse me.
Do you know what Bobby said? What?

Speaker 3 He said,

Speaker 2 what did he say? Chinese people are from, you know, they're known for tick-o-tock.

Speaker 2 Copy it, though. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I fucking hear no lies.

Speaker 2 I hear no lies. Yeah.
Rolling. Yeah.
I mean, that's, there'll be no. No repercussions.
Yeah, no reaction. But you made up with her.
Look, I'm sure she's a sweet girl. She took it the wrong way.

Speaker 2 And honestly, she knows that you're a lovable guy. You didn't mean anything by it.
We move on. Life is so, there's so much awful shit.

Speaker 2 This is nothing on the blip of chaos thank you it's nothing it's a nothing burger that's why i love you dude you should get a usb though and give it to her with the pandemic on it

Speaker 2 well she definitely has a computer i mean they make them there okay

Speaker 2 okay but what also realizes there's just two different kinds of asians ones that have fun and ones that don't yeah yeah i think every group has that that's true yeah yeah well look there's uptight whites and there's whites that get it yeah you're either an uptight white or you're a white that gets it there's uptight whites all the time that are just huffity puffity for no reason.

Speaker 2 And you're like, come on, man, what is it? You know, we're joking. Because when we do meet and greets, we see the kind of Asians that come.

Speaker 2 They're the wild kind. Well, let me tell you, our meet and greets,

Speaker 2 we have had an eclectic group. Eclectic.
And when you see the Asians that pass through that door to say hi to you,

Speaker 2 they

Speaker 2 love

Speaker 2 those jokes. They do.
They are ready to laugh.

Speaker 2 They don't take themselves serious. And I've said this before.
Shout out to my Mexican fans. I fucking love our Mexicans fan.

Speaker 2 Everyone that came out, Phoenix, all those Mexicans, because every time I'm around a fucking Latin crowd, they know how to take a joke. They don't give a fuck.
They don't take anything that's serious.

Speaker 2 They have the most fun. Nothing is that big of a deal.
And they like to laugh. I even said it.
I was like, I know you guys are in here. I can smell you.

Speaker 2 They loved it.

Speaker 2 I just want to say, our fans in general. The best.
Are the best.

Speaker 2 Have you had a good reception? Yeah. Except for that one guy that threw a shoe at you.

Speaker 2 One guy, George Buscher.

Speaker 2 She didn't get hit, but she took she died. No, we've had such a good fucking reception from the fans, and it's been, it's been, when people ask me, we come home, people ask, hey, what's been going on?

Speaker 2 How's the tour? I Fitz was on the phone with Fitz Simmons. And he goes, it looks fucking amazing, buddy.
And I was like, it's honestly, I can't even, I don't have like one thing to say.

Speaker 2 Usually you come off the road when you're solo and someone's like, how was wherever? And you're like, it was good, but there was, you know,

Speaker 2 you know, Saturday Night Light Show is not, you know, whatever. And there's always like a thing or two that you're like, I don't know, man.
It just, I wasn't hitting on this night.

Speaker 2 It didn't feel good. My hour was a little weak here.
This has been a dream come true and not trying to be lame, but it was, it's been fucking amazing. I hope we keep doing it.
We were.

Speaker 2 For a long time.

Speaker 2 That being said,

Speaker 2 we are going to cancel the rest of the tour. No, I need it.

Speaker 2 I need this.

Speaker 2 I do want to make one more comment before we depart.

Speaker 2 I did notice your haircut last night in the parking lot, and I told you I said someone got a new haircut.

Speaker 2 And I like it,

Speaker 2 but I was getting used to the old you.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I know. I've gone through so much change.

Speaker 2 But I like it, but I feel like you're growing too fast.

Speaker 3 I know. I can't stop it.

Speaker 2 I know. I don't like it, dude.

Speaker 3 I don't want to change either.

Speaker 2 But if you start showing up really dramatically, Chay, like if she starts doing that thing that people do when they start getting a couple of bucks and the thing and she starts changing, if you show up with veneers in a couple of weeks, I'm done.

Speaker 3 I want one Jay. No.
One J on my canine?

Speaker 2 No, no, you can have that. But if you get a full mouth of veneers, I'm going to be bummed.
All right.

Speaker 2 I also want to say is that I know a lot of headliners that bring one person on, but that that person, the opener, changes and then they cut them off.

Speaker 3 Will you guys tell me if I start changing?

Speaker 2 You already got a haircut. We're warning you now.

Speaker 2 This is the warning.

Speaker 3 I do it what Bobby does.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 You got a haircut.

Speaker 2 I got a haircut. She does follow you.
You do follow me a lot. It's weird.

Speaker 3 I'm a little baby dog.

Speaker 2 I love you.

Speaker 2 You're like a dog. You're like a dog.
Yeah, yeah. We got to pet you all the time.
We always have to clean up your shit. What was that one? Positive reinforcement.

Speaker 2 What was happening that one day where you went, I feel really uncomfortable right now.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I could have been any of the things that I'm doing.

Speaker 2 No, but we were sitting, it was with McCone.

Speaker 2 We were working on jokes or bits for the thing, and I was acting crazy. Do you remember?

Speaker 3 Oh, I was not uncomfortable. I just checked out mentally because you were getting really bossy.

Speaker 2 You were being a meanie-weenie. In what way?

Speaker 2 I regret already saying that.

Speaker 2 Well, now you have to say it. If you're going to go this far, you might as well cross the bridge.
You're on it.

Speaker 3 Well, because we were working, you and me and McCone, we were working on these segments, and we were putting, we went to Goodwill. We put him up, we put it in an hour, we're been an hour into this.

Speaker 3 Bobby slides the door open in his underwear, hair wild, and he's like, write me some bits. What do you got?

Speaker 3 And then we read him one. He's like, not funny.
I hate it. Another one.
Another one. And then I just started doing org.

Speaker 2 That was very funny. He showed up his underwear half off of his body.

Speaker 2 You're naked. Your wiener's out the side of your underwear.
That wasn't. It wasn't saying.
It wasn't showing. Put it out.
And then you put put that part out. And you go, and you go.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where's my bitch? Yeah, where is my bitch? I did not do that. That's insane.
Why are you so defensive about this? You did not.

Speaker 2 You think that.

Speaker 2 I don't do that. You did do this.
I know I did that specific.

Speaker 2 I did that specific day and that specific moment, but that's not a general thing that I do. That bothered you.

Speaker 3 No, it was one day.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen me do that before?

Speaker 3 No, that's why I started doing origami because I was like, I'm not.

Speaker 2 But wait, did this bother you? I didn't know that was bothering you. It did.
It did. No, because you said, no, you looked...
I'd never seen your face like that before. Yeah, I mentally checked out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you go. I feel really uncomfortable right now because I was yelling at you.
Oh, I see. Well, McCone deserves to be yelled at.
What was I yelling at you for?

Speaker 2 He's always doing some dumb shit.

Speaker 3 Probably when he ordered a Bud Light and a Shirley Temple.

Speaker 2 This guy. I've never seen that.
This guy ordered a Bud Light and a Shirley Temple. Same thing.

Speaker 2 Same dinner. It was that in Montana or something, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Such a weird guy.

Speaker 3 Same time, too. It wasn't like one after the other.
It was both.

Speaker 2 Lunatic. He's lunatic.
And real quick, I want to say a couple more things before we go.

Speaker 2 Show your bracelet. You didn't even mention the bracelet.

Speaker 3 I know. I wanted to bring this up.
Go ahead and say it. So Peter Shore, who owns the comedy store, came to Portland.
He lives in Portland.

Speaker 3 He saw our show with his wife there, and he gave me this bracelet, and it used to be Mitzi Shore's.

Speaker 2 Pretty cool. And he gave us Mitzi's scarves.
We have two of Mitzi's old scarves.

Speaker 2 It feels so cool. And also, I do want to give a shout out.
This guy made us these custom shoes. Amazing.
Yeah, those are awesome. And

Speaker 2 he takes shoes and he can reconfigure them to do and say whatever. Like the, you know, the swooshes backwards.
These are the bad friends colors, bad friends on the tongue, and on the inside.

Speaker 2 He also, because of my Netflix special cheeseburger, he put a little cheeseburger where the Air Jordan is. Bobby and I both have a pair.
And we're going to say thank you so much to this guy.

Speaker 2 I want to say it right. It's shoe generous.
Shoe generous.

Speaker 2 That's who did it. Nice guy, Korean dude.
Korean dude. This guy was the fucking man.
Custom shit. We want to thank him for that because that was huge.
And we want to thank all the fans for coming out.

Speaker 2 We appreciate you guys. Check out us in Florida.
We're coming to Florida. Yeah, we're doing a whole run.
We're going to be down in Florida. We're doing St.
Petersburg. We're doing Hollywood.

Speaker 2 We're doing,

Speaker 2 wait, St. Petersburg, Jacksonville.
Is that right? Yep.

Speaker 2 Orlando, St. Petersburg,

Speaker 2 Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, Florida, and Orlando.
Then we come back here.

Speaker 2 We do two shows in Riverside and one in San Diego before we head back to the East Coast and do Jersey, New York, Baltimore, Philly, and Toronto. Wow.
Guys, we cannot wait to see you guys. And so

Speaker 2 you know what?

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.