Bobby Is a Lazy Beaver

Speaker 1 Hey, Bad Friends fans! We're on tour, baby. Tour, baby.
And this is our last leg. What is our last leg? This is our one of our last legs for this chunk, and we're going to Jacksonville, Florida.

Speaker 1 Jacksonville, Florida run, guys. Then we're doing St.
Petersburg, Hollywood, Florida. And then Orlando, Florida.
Oh, my God. Jacksonville, St.
Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando. Come out and see us.

Speaker 1 After that, we come back to the West Coast, baby. And we're going to go to my hometown, San Diego.
Yeah, we do Riverside and San Diego. Two shows in Riverside and then San Diego.

Speaker 1 And then we go back up to the Northeast.

Speaker 1 But for now, Florida, Riverside San Diego come out and see us in Jacksonville in Orlando in Hollywood you're gonna love it you're gonna learn so much about your life go to bad friendspod.com bad friendspod.com you two are bad friends who are these two idiots

Speaker 2 white dude and an Asian dude

Speaker 2 you two are disgusting

Speaker 1 Well, what?

Speaker 1 We got ourselves a brand new Asian.

Speaker 1 Am I being replaced? Because this is fucking. First of all, she accused me of saying a jungle Asian.
I've never said that, have I? No, roll the tape.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And also, I love all people.

Speaker 1 I know there's some. Some.
There's some Asians. I don't even know what island they're from.
Those are the weird ones. So many of you guys.
There's so many more than I'm going to be.

Speaker 1 There's different varieties. I love it.
Look at he's got his gooner jersey on. My boy.
You know what? I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I love you. I love your soups.
I love your movies. What was it? Full metal jacket?

Speaker 1 Full metal jacket.

Speaker 1 Really good movie. A classic.
It was really good. Who directed it? Koob.
Koob. The Koobs.
Have you seen it? Oh, yeah. Koobsy Boobsy, baby.
Really, you've seen it?

Speaker 3 I've seen it.

Speaker 1 What is it about?

Speaker 3 The Army.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And wells. And a really tough jacket.

Speaker 1 Well, it is full metal. Yeah.
It is a full metal. It's tough.
She's not rumpy. It's not Adamante and Steel, like what Marine wears, but.
But it's pretty close. Yeah.
Pretty good.

Speaker 1 So we got ourselves a brand new Asian. You have to announce yourself because you're going to be on camera.
Yeah, she's on camera. She's my new Carlos.
She's my new Carlos. Much better looking.

Speaker 1 We introduced her to the cards. She's a Carlos.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi. Yeah.
Man, they're all the same, you guys.

Speaker 1 I'm like that? Quiet and polite. No, you're not.
You're the exception of the rule. I think I got dropped in my head.
99.9% of Asians are hi, quiet, sweet, polite, just like lovable, wonderful people.

Speaker 1 And then there's you. Yeah, my dad goes, pick me up as a baby, and go, this woman broke.

Speaker 1 Put it back in it. Cook more.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Your dad tried to shove you back in your mouth. Yeah, there was something wrong with me since day one.
Well, she's from where your mother lives.

Speaker 1 She is a Phoenician, as it were. We got a new Arizona Phoenician in our midst.
So we got two AZ scumbags in the house. Because I saw you at my house the other day, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 And you were with, who are you? Oh, you're coming up with. I thought she was with David So

Speaker 1 and Tim Chakarung Lol. What's his last name?

Speaker 3 Chantaran Su.

Speaker 1 Chantaran. Chandran Su.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and

Speaker 1 I always call him Tim Kukamanga. I don't know why because it's nobody say his last name.
Sounds right. Yeah, yeah.
But, and I thought, oh,

Speaker 1 Dave and Tim brought a, you know, their daughter. I don't know what it was.
You know what I mean? But then she works for us. She works for us now.
Amazing.

Speaker 1 And I saw she has a tattoo right in the middle of her chest. It's undeniable.

Speaker 1 You have to see it. It's like she's pulling focus.
What does the tattoo say? It says 666. And I was like, what does that mean to you? Do you know what 666? Well, when she looks at it, it's 999.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 So that's what she says. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 666 is the mark of Satan. The mark of the beast.
Of the beast. Beelzebub.
Beelzebub. And then I don't know if you guys know that, but they just approved

Speaker 1 Satanism to be taught in schools.

Speaker 1 Oh, is this 2-2-2? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that what it says? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit.
2-2-2.

Speaker 1 That's her name. Is that area code? What is it? That's her name.
That was her mother's pet name.

Speaker 1 Come here, too.

Speaker 1 That's what it sounds like when I'm making love.

Speaker 1 Just the actual sound go. Anyway,

Speaker 1 no, toot because it's what? Explain it in the mic. Say what it is.

Speaker 4 It means like alignment and that if you're on like a path that you feel like you're kind of rocky, it's like, no, you're on the right path.

Speaker 1 You're aligned. This is a tattoo that only someone from Arizona would have.

Speaker 1 Because boy, oh boy, is it treacherous out there? It's pretty treacherous.

Speaker 1 Well, so, there's a lot of people like you out there, huh? A lot of Arizippers. Yeah, a lot of hippie dippies.
It's a hippie vibe, right?

Speaker 1 Do you like the Grateful Grateful Dead? No. Oh, goodness.
I do.

Speaker 1 I think they're terrible. Really? Dude, I don't want to hear a jam in G major for 45 minutes.

Speaker 1 They jam for like 45 fucking minutes, man. I love them.
It's fun. Big fan.
You like them? A lot of them. What was the lead singer's name?

Speaker 1 Ted.

Speaker 1 Close. I heard the first part.
Yeah, almost. Ted.
Ted.

Speaker 1 Ted? No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jim.

Speaker 1 Jem.

Speaker 1 That's his name, Jems.

Speaker 1 How'd you know? Ted Jems.

Speaker 1 Ted Jems. Ted Jems was the lead singer.
His name was Jerry Garcia. Oh, right, right, right.
There's an ice cream named after him.

Speaker 3 I thought you meant the guitarist.

Speaker 1 How many fingers did he have?

Speaker 3 At least eight.

Speaker 1 True. Pretty good.
He had nine. He had nine and a half.
Nine and a half, yeah, yeah. He had a little stubby bubby.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend in high school, her brother was like a huge deadhead. Yeah.
Or just a fan of Jerry Garcia.

Speaker 1 And there was like an iconic poster that has his handprints on it, and one finger is obviously missing. Whoa.

Speaker 1 And every time I went in there, I thought, he's going to do that to me because he finds out that I'm fucking his sister. He's going to fucking.
Was he like Yakuza? He was. Oh, he was?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was yachted. He was yawked up.
Yo, he was yawked up. He was yawked up, dog.
Yeah, when Yakuza are yawked up, they're yawked up, dog. Can I play you guys a song that struck me this week?

Speaker 1 Go ahead. And we're going to be free and clear on this song.
Can you acapella it? No, no, no, but I want you to hear some of it.

Speaker 1 I think we won't get clipped for this because it's public right because it's PBS. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't want to live on the moon. Type that in.
My buddy Chris O'Connor, shout out O'Connie's, sent it to me. I've been listening to it all week.
I don't want to live on the moon.

Speaker 1 People I love, so although I may go, I'll be coming home soon.

Speaker 1 Cause I don't want to live on the moon.

Speaker 1 No, I don't

Speaker 1 want to live

Speaker 1 on the moon.

Speaker 1 Are you okay, man? I relate to Ernie so much.

Speaker 3 This is what you sing when you're in Australia, missing your wife.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? Honestly, it's a metaphor for it. That's written for adults.
Maybe a song for kids, but that's definitely for adults.

Speaker 1 I literally thought it was good. The last line was going to be something crazy.
I know you did. Yeah, yeah.
But I wanted to start it

Speaker 1 from the heart. I wanted the show to start from a very sweet, simple place.
And let me tell you something. That song is so deep and so perfect.
So simple.

Speaker 1 I thought he was going to say, you know, I don't want to live on the moon. I'm a f.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, a summer implied. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Because he's gay.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, are they not allowed on the moon?

Speaker 1 No, but I just thought that the end, there was going to be a payoff at the end. I know you did two minutes.
I know you did. I wanted you to take that in and really absorb that song.

Speaker 3 Well, the end is him getting back into bed with Bert and the other two.

Speaker 1 No, they're not.

Speaker 1 I observed they don't have a double. They have twin brothers.
Yeah, they push them them together. They push them together.
Oh, they do at the end? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's the unedited version.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? The explicit version, he pushes it back together and they start 69ing.

Speaker 3 And you're like, this is made for adults.

Speaker 1 Yep. Oh, I see.
I don't want to live on the moon. How beautiful.

Speaker 1 It's stunning. You know what, dude? If I think about it, it's so stunning and beautiful.
Because think about it, dude. Okay.

Speaker 1 You ever looked at the moon? I want to go out there. And then you think, what am I going to do when I get out there? I got to be back here by everybody I love.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, if I was on the moon, I'd die. You would die.
You would die too. No way.
I'd be prepped. You wouldn't bring shit.
I wouldn't even bring the thing.

Speaker 1 Carlos would call you the car to the moon.

Speaker 1 You'd get the car to the moon. Hey, man, you have a 7 a.m.
pickup. You'd make it.
I'd show up. Nothing.
You'd pack nothing. Right.
They would shoot me up. Everyone has their helmets on in the suit.

Speaker 1 I got nothing. Nothing.
You have an Arsenal jersey. And a vape.
Yeah, and a vape. Can I vape in space? That'd be their first question.
And I walk out and I just implode.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You would implode.
You turn into that dust packet from ramen noodles.

Speaker 3 No Wi-Fi on the moon. You can't switch.

Speaker 1 You can't switch on the moon, dog. I think you can.

Speaker 1 Can you switch on the moon? I'll tell you why. Why? Because Wi-Fi is from satellites.
Boom. There's Wi-Fi.
Nice try, Jess. Yeah, nice try, Jess.

Speaker 1 And the satellites, guess where they are?

Speaker 3 Space.

Speaker 1 Not in the sea.

Speaker 1 Are they in the sea? They are.

Speaker 1 They absolutely are. They're in the sea.
Yeah. I'm learning a lot about space.
Dude, what is wrong with you today, Jess? I I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 You're... Dude, you know what? Let me say something to you.
That hit me in a weird way. I'm jolly right now.
That hit me in a way. You know what it really is?

Speaker 1 It made me... I missed home.
We got home, and I thought, that's what that song is about. That song is about being back with the people that you love.

Speaker 3 And the tour bus is the moon.

Speaker 1 The tour bus is the moon. I don't want to live on the fucking moon.
But we can visit it. We can visit the moon.
We can visit the moon. And then I learned about space.
I learned divine, divine

Speaker 1 heavenly, wait, divine geometry. There is

Speaker 1 108 moons in between the moon and the earth, and there's 108 suns in between the sun and the earth. You tell me that's not fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Sacred geometry? What the fuck is wrong with that? Look up 108 moons, maybe.

Speaker 1 Literally, what the fuck is wrong with you right now? I smoked a big one today. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you high right now? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could tell a little bit. Yeah, I got it.
I don't like it. 108.
Look at that. Jesus Christ.
Divine geometry. Look at this.
There's 108 suns between the sun and the earth.

Speaker 1 There's 108 moons between the moon and the Earth. You telling me that's not...
Wait, wait. Between the moon and the Earth, there's 108 moons.
Between the Sun and the Earth, there's 108 suns.

Speaker 1 Aren't they asteroids? They're not fucking... They're not moons.

Speaker 3 I think he means like distance. Distance, dog.
They're not really the moons.

Speaker 1 I mean, she's got it there. Oh, 108 moons if you put them together.
Yeah. I think he meant that there was 108 moons in between

Speaker 1 the two fucking things. I was like, I've never seen that.
I'm fucking. That's how much I like her.
The movie Dean Pimp. When you finally got it, she clapped a little bit.
She went like this.

Speaker 1 Yo, you got it.

Speaker 1 I like her. I like her a lot.
You know that's my daughter, right?

Speaker 1 You wish.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think if I had a daughter, she wouldn't look like that? No fucking way. She would look like Allie Wong.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, yeah. No.
Who would it look like? Wait, I shouldn't get too fast.

Speaker 1 If I had a daughter, who would it look like?

Speaker 3 You with tits.

Speaker 1 She has tits. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You before you get your hair cut.

Speaker 1 You now look like your son. All the tour you've looked like.
My daughter would be haughty. No chance.
Fuck yeah, dude. No chance.

Speaker 1 First of all, I would have her underwear would be made out of of a fucking cage.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because she'd be showing her butthole to everybody.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, the butthole queen.

Speaker 1 Her butthole would be loose, but her vagina, no one's been there. Oh, right.
So she's Catholic? Yeah. You let him in the back.
Yeah, the back end. The back door.
Yeah. That would not be your daughter.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, dude. First of all, she's.
What would my daughter look like then? Not defensive. What? Because if I fucking had a baby with like

Speaker 1 Glenn Close. Doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 It would look like. You know what? It would look like an explorer.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
With Glenn Close. An explorer? Yeah, like, you know, he travels the seas or she.
They. They.
Oh, they.

Speaker 1 You let your daughter choose their gender, bud. Don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Yeah. It's not even alive yet.
You'd have a good-looking kid. I take it back.
You're a hot guy.

Speaker 1 I am stoned. I know.

Speaker 1 I know you are. But if you look at my photo of when I was 20, I looked okay.
You look really cute. I did this to myself.

Speaker 1 Dude, what's wrong with you right now? Nothing. I like it.
Sing the song for me. Oh, I'd like to live on the moon.
No, I don't want to live on the moon. You don't want to live on the moon.

Speaker 3 I want to live on the moon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do. See, this is the problem.

Speaker 1 That's why Ernie wrote that song, because it's for people like you that think they can live on the moon all the time. This was the lesson I'm trying to impart on you.

Speaker 1 Can't live on the moon all the time, man. I think you're saying is that

Speaker 1 we should be grateful for war where we are. That's right.
That's what the song is really about.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to bless the room with something peaceful and wonderful to start. Yeah.
It's really beautiful, dude. I really think it is.
Yeah. There was this comic named Peter Chen.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know Peter Chen? I don't.

Speaker 1 First of all, when I came to LA, he was like a 50-year-old Asian guy. He did his own documentary about his life.
Peter Chen. So he was 50 years old.
He goes, I'm the Asian around here.

Speaker 1 Right? I don't know what you're doing up here. Go back to San Diego.
I remember you telling me this. Right? And I go, all right, dude, relax, right? He was right, though.
But

Speaker 1 he had the best. He would write his own comebacks.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't want to do hacky ones. You know, I'm not going to do the one like, you don't bother me when I'm walking, right? I don't go to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those are great. Those are, you know, these are hacky.
You know what I mean? No, they're great. So he did this.
If someone would heckle, they go, you heckle one more time.

Speaker 1 I stick you on the rocket ship, shoot you to the moon.

Speaker 1 That was his fucking comebacks. That's pretty good.
And everyone in the back would be like, ah, you know what I mean? Because the audience would be like, what the fuck? But they're clean.

Speaker 1 But the assumption is he's Asian, must know math, must be an engineer, must be able to get somebody to the moon. I see it clear as day.
Dude, that's actually a very deep joke.

Speaker 1 You're in right now, Douglas? That's a deep joke. It's pretty deep.
Can I tell you a street joke? Yeah, I'll have some. I got a street joke for you.
You guys are clean. Is it clean? Yeah.
Good.

Speaker 1 Kind of.

Speaker 1 Kind of clean.

Speaker 1 Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are in a bar.

Speaker 1 I've heard this one before. You told me this one.
Yeah, you told all of this. You told all of this the other day.
At dinner. So I'm not going to laugh.
You're going to laugh. No, no.
All right.

Speaker 1 Say it differently, though.

Speaker 1 All right, there's Joe and his Chinaman are in a bar. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Jew stands up, punches the Chinaman in the face. I hate this joke.
And he said, That's for Pearl Harbor. And the Chinaman says, That was the Japanese.
He goes, Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me.

Speaker 1 Moments later, Chinese guy gets up, cracks the Jew right in the mouth. Jew says, What was that for? He says, The Titanic.
And he says, That

Speaker 1 was an iceberg.

Speaker 1 And he says, Iceberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me.

Speaker 1 You like it?

Speaker 3 The first time you told it, it was way longer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I sped it up. Yeah.
I sped it up. Sorry, man.

Speaker 1 Sorry, man. Do you know the Grasshopper walking to a bar? I like that joke.
Huh? You know that joke? No. You know this joke? I don't know.
Grasshopper walks into a bar.

Speaker 1 Partners goes, hey, we have a drink name after you. Grasshopper says, you have a drink name, Steve?

Speaker 1 That's good. That's good.
It's a good one, dude. Street jokes.
Don't you love street jokes? I do. They're so fun.
Yeah, yeah. They're so simple and so easy.
There's nothing to them.

Speaker 1 They don't mean anything. A gay couple are living together.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And this is not that funny. In sin, by the way.
Go ahead. So they're living together.
They're in love and they love it. Right.
And one guy, you know, he's a stay-at-home husband.

Speaker 1 And the other guy works. You know what I mean? And one morning,

Speaker 1 the businessman that's in the relationship gets up to go to work, and he sees his partner jerking off into a condom. Into a condom.
Yeah, into a condom. And he goes, what are you doing, man?

Speaker 1 He goes, I'm just packing your lunch.

Speaker 1 That's a great joke.

Speaker 1 You got one?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you get one. My dad told one at dinner.

Speaker 1 Oh, give me the one your dad told. I didn't know if I got it.

Speaker 3 I was so excited to tell this to everybody. Yeah, it's a good joke.
It's this older couple.

Speaker 3 They both go to the doctor because they're having memory problems. The doctor says, oh, that's fine.
Just write everything down. So next day they're getting, he goes, do you want some ice cream?

Speaker 3 She goes, yeah, I want chocolate and vanilla, but write that down. He goes, I'll remember it.
And she goes, okay, but I want sprinkles too. And write that down.
He goes, no, I'll remember it.

Speaker 3 She goes, and I want a cherry on top. Are you writing this down? He goes, no, don't worry.
I'll remember it. So he comes back like 30 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs.

Speaker 3 And she goes, what the hell are you doing? I asked for toast with that.

Speaker 1 That's very very good

Speaker 1 i like that yes can i tell you the longest joke i've ever heard we got nothing but time

Speaker 1 it's a it's a long joke how much of this is going to be cut i i'm loving it all okay good

Speaker 1 all right so this is the longest joke i know it's pretty long okay

Speaker 1 this takes a whole hour i hope you can follow along i'm here all right so there was a great magician named Fernando the Magnificent, right?

Speaker 1 Sold out Vegas, residency in Vegas, sell out, sell out, sell out for years, 20 years. Sell out every night.
One of the best magicians. And he goes, you know what? I'm going to retire.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do my final show. Right.
So he goes, I need to come up with a fucking magic trick. Right.
That's going to blow everyone's minds away.

Speaker 1 And so he's sitting there, sitting there, writing it, working on it, and he fucking figures it out. Okay.
So final show now. Fernando the Magnificent.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And he goes, for my last, toward the end of the show, he goes, for my last act, I need a volunteer. I need the strongest man

Speaker 1 in the room to help me with this next trick. And no one raises his hand.
Come on, the strongest guy, please. And all of a sudden, one hand in the audience, six foot eight, red neck.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Thick, muscular. You know, he goes, hey man,

Speaker 1 I'll try. Right? Come on, what's your name? My name is Bubba.
All right, so Bubba, see that metal back? Bat? See that metal bat on the stage? Bubba goes, uh-huh.

Speaker 1 I always just swing that bat and hit me in the face.

Speaker 1 you get

Speaker 1 right. And Bubble goes, Hey, man, uh, I want to let you know I'm really strong.
I'll fucking kill you, dude. So, I'm not going to do that.
And he goes, Hey, man, come on, just it's a magic trick.

Speaker 1 I got it, right? Just swing it

Speaker 1 into my face, dude. It's a magic trick.
I'm not gonna get hurt. All right, man.
All right, here we go. He swings back, hits Fernando in the face.
Fernando's head splits up,

Speaker 1 blitz up his skull, right? His eyes roll back, he he goes into convulsions, he hits his back, he goes into a coma.

Speaker 1 Right? Cut to now the hospital.

Speaker 1 Cut to the hospital. I know where this is going.
I don't, I don't. You know, all right.
Do you guys know? Right.

Speaker 1 Fernando. So Bubba quits his job.
He lives in Alabama. He quit his job because he feels so bad that he almost killed Fernando the Magnificent.
So he's at his bedside every day. Right?

Speaker 1 A couple of months later, right?

Speaker 1 Doctor comes in. Hey, I'm sorry, Bubba, but we're going to have to take him off life of support because

Speaker 1 there's just no sign of activity. And Bubba goes, Look, it is pinky.

Speaker 1 And you see Fernando's pinky moving like this.

Speaker 1 And the doctor goes, Okay, that's a sign. I'll come back.
A month later, I'm sorry, one pinky is not going to do it. Look, both pinkies.

Speaker 1 Every month he comes in. This doctor, every finger, a new finger is moving.

Speaker 1 Right, right. So the year goes by, whatever, right? Well, 10 months go by.
All the fingers are moving, right?

Speaker 1 And the doctor comes in and goes, listen, I know the fingers are moving, but we got to take them off life to support. He goes, his eyes are opening.
So Fernando's eyes starts opening.

Speaker 1 He looks at the doctor, looks at Buddha Bubba, and then he goes, Ta-da!

Speaker 1 I knew it. I knew it.
I feel like you've told that joke on this show. Have I told that joke before? I think so.
Yeah. Then why'd you make me fucking telling you?

Speaker 1 Worth it. Worth it.
Why'd you make me tell it to get a piece of shit? The energy today feels like it's at the right time. Oh, it's like the best of? Yeah.
The best of. Let's see the best of.

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Speaker 1 butcher box. Andrew, I'm a meat eater, Bobby.
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Am I not right? Like I just said? You don't have to do anything. It just comes right to you.

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Speaker 1 What is wrong with you? You're smiling.

Speaker 3 I like it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 When did you get high?

Speaker 1 About 20 minutes ago. Why? I was coming here.

Speaker 1 I know. But you never have done that.

Speaker 1 I'm not high. I'm not high.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're not? No. Oh.
Look.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I think he's lying, though. I think you're lying.
I swear.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 There's a namaste about you. Yeah, dude.
I'm trying to zen. You're like peaceful.
I'm trying to fucking zen. Oh, you're zen out right now.

Speaker 1 I told him you didn't want to do the show, and he said, well, I'll do some edibles before coming.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 he told me he didn't want to do the show today no he said i didn't i'm just so tired same yeah our and then i i have them packed same i'm doing laundry same

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 yeah and i just asked still showed up with the show and i'm here too as well did a pod before this i'm here i did two yesterday i know you did you called me from with megan trainer yeah yeah she's the best wow what that's cool yes it's okay it's it's fine She literally is the her, I love her whole family.

Speaker 1 They're the best. They are.
Actually, her whole family is wonderful. We had dinner with them.
She had dinner with my parents. She She told my parents in Australia.
Is that your brand, Juice?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 That's the movie. Juice.
Oh, I think.

Speaker 1 So let's shake it up. Ready? Hold on.
Let me just start. I'm sorry.
I'm going to walk, Angela. Can you show your butthole? No, no, not right now.
$10,000.

Speaker 3 You look like a race car driver. Yeah.
Like, in the best way possible.

Speaker 1 You look like you raced Mario cars. I was like, I'm going to go to the fireman.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good job.

Speaker 1 You fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Let's start new.
Sorry. Let's start fresh.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. My name is Bobby.
And you know what, dude? I've been thinking about the moon.

Speaker 1 What have you been thinking about the moon? I don't want to live there. Mean me.

Speaker 1 That would be terrible. Yeah, dude.
Too far. But I would visit it like Armstrong did.
Lance? Or Louis? Did Lance go all the way? No, with a nut cancer. That's Lance.

Speaker 1 Did you buy one of those yellow bands back in the day? No. I bought.
I bought a whole lot of them. Well, what's the yellow mean? Remember, he had like the Live Strong bracelets?

Speaker 1 I bought a fuckload of them. Is it because of the steroids or the cancer? Both.
One led to the other, I guess.

Speaker 1 No, but they were $2, and then $1 went to cancer research, and the other one went

Speaker 1 to the production of them.

Speaker 1 You can still buy Livestrong bracelets. Oh, that's amazing.
Why don't we have Bad Friends bracelets?

Speaker 1 And they actually

Speaker 1 have particular research. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 what should the donation be? So a dollar goes to the production and a dollar goes to what? Our charity of choice. We should do that.
Yeah, the charity is

Speaker 1 well, somebody needs to fund my video gameplay. Cannot be you

Speaker 1 has to be a third party can't be you um something you care about around the world that we should what do i really care about honestly um

Speaker 1 stilts for dwarves stilts we're a big stilt family because i think that they can be taller they can be

Speaker 1 you know or that operation can i just say something you know the operation where they sever the bones in china they do it they sever the bones when Chinese people are

Speaker 1 short, and then they can't walk for a year, but then

Speaker 1 the bone grows in and they become taller. Yeah, with a callus on it or something.
They insert some bone in there. Can we do that? Limb lengthening surgery.
Yeah, can we do that? We can.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do.

Speaker 3 Would you get your limbs lengthened? What? Would you get your limbs lengthened?

Speaker 1 No, because I don't want just my legs. I'll look weird.
So funny if you had super long legs.

Speaker 1 Me? Yeah, you look like a lollipop.

Speaker 1 If you had really long legs. Well, I would do stuff to my upper body so that it would match.
Like what?

Speaker 1 Sit-ups. Dad, no.
Oh, yeah, I would look like a lollipop. Yeah, you'd be lollipoped.
Or like those cake pops at Starbucks. Yes.

Speaker 1 Colorful. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting. What would you get done? If you could get a cosmetic surgery, what would you get done?

Speaker 1 I probably would.

Speaker 1 If I could do, if I could have

Speaker 1 a body thing, it probably genuinely would be, I'd get a butt injection. I'd get bigger butt.
Whoa. I want a big trunk, dude.

Speaker 1 I think you're right about the area, but can I say something? What? Tighten up my butthole, you think? No. That pipe's been.
I saw your butthole on the tour bus. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I share that? What'd you see inside of there? Not inside.

Speaker 1 You need rectal darkening.

Speaker 1 I know. I need some coloring.
It's way too pink. Can you tattoo the inside of your tooth? You should be able to do it because it's like, it was so pink.
It looked like a octopus pussy.

Speaker 1 I'm like, is that octopus pussy? Did you see anything hanging out in there? No, it was

Speaker 1 very clean. Well, I've had a temporary resident in there sometimes.
Like a mouse? A hemorrhoid. Oh,

Speaker 1 I've had a tenant. Oh, what do you, Richard Gere?

Speaker 1 I've had a tenant that's not paying rent, I got to tell you. And he comes and goes as he pleases.
He's got a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Can you see it? I have on the outside? I have a hemorrhoid that's squatting right now. Like, if you showed me your butthole, would I be able to see its little eyes stick out? Yeah.
Does it hurt?

Speaker 1 Sometimes, yeah, it does. Sometimes it hurts.
But I've, you know, I got it probably from,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you, this.
Bobby, how? Well, you know what would be cool about hemorrhoids? That's what they're from, stress. Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 1 The seashells with the little slugs in it with their beautiful eyes. And they look so cute.
Yeah. Right.
Why can't hemorrhoids have that? That's true. Sticking out your butt, little eyes sticking out.

Speaker 1 That'd be so cute. Yeah, yeah.
Point point. And looking around.
Yeah. You'd be less stressed.
Yeah, I got to be less stressed.

Speaker 3 I know you'd be less stressed if it was cute like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like no, that'd be more stressed because everybody would want to see it. Dude, if that was your hemorrhoid, look at the little eyes.
That's so cute.

Speaker 1 And then we can go, hey, Charlie. Hey, guys.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that'd be great.
Can I do five minutes to open the show?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Charlie, you bombed last week.
We're not going to let you do it twice. Come on, I got some good ones.
My dad had a skin tag in his tank.

Speaker 1 He had a hanger, huh?

Speaker 1 Wait, how did you see your dad's taint, bud?

Speaker 1 This is a story, I guess, we got to hear.

Speaker 1 Here we go. When I was a kid, he took me to a Korean spa.

Speaker 1 And, you know, Koreans, if you go to a Korean spa, they stretch.

Speaker 1 They get naked and stretch. Yeah, they do.
And they make one noise.

Speaker 1 No, close.

Speaker 1 I go, I go, I go. I go.
I go, I go, I go. In a row.
Aigo, I go. So they stretch.
And one day I was just sitting there on like a

Speaker 1 bench.

Speaker 1 And my dad was going, I ago, I go. And he bent over and there was a skin tag.
And in my head, this is how fucking crazy I was.

Speaker 1 I heard the skin tag talk.

Speaker 1 And you know what he said?

Speaker 1 Help. Help.
He's trapped. Right.
And then I would have like this inner dialogue with the skin tag. Like, why didn't you go up in the neck where all the other skin tags are?

Speaker 1 Why you grew in the wrong place? No, he got lost. I know he got lost.
He got lost. There's no way to transfer that over to the neck.
You can't. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine ruining a, or I mean, removing a skin tag and then placing it somewhere else on your body

Speaker 1 from your taint to your neck. I just want it here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, I've never seen my dad's taint.
I can't believe you got to say that. Have you seen your dad's general? penis? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every boy sees their dad's penis at a certain time. There we go.
Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And my dad got out of the shower. I was like seven, and he goes, and I was like, oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 And I walked in. He goes, get over here.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa. And I came back in and he goes,

Speaker 1 you like wind?

Speaker 1 I go, wind? Yeah. He goes, you like mills? They go, mills? Yeah.
He goes, what about windmills? And he windmilled it.

Speaker 1 And he just windmilled it. And honestly, it was so big, I heard

Speaker 1 that's hilarious it was nuts you know what my dad used to do what

Speaker 1 he i don't know why but he heard about the pink pull my finger but he didn't know that you there was a fart

Speaker 1 so he go pull my finger i pull it nothing would happen what did he think that was

Speaker 1 i go there's supposed to be a fart at the end of that dad

Speaker 1 by the way you want to know what fine we're actually going to catch on the road the amount of times bobby's farted into the mic i guarantee you we're getting fucked for some of that i've had so many many good ones out there.

Speaker 3 They've been awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they've been pretty impressive. Yeah,

Speaker 1 there was one like machine gun Vietnam.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what it is, too? What? Because your butt is angular.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
It is. And it does, and it has the perfect slappy-pappy sound.
Exactly. It does.
It's got like little bat wings. That's what I've been doing, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I have a very good butthole. That is your butt.
That is 100%. Oh, my God.
That's my butt. You have Hank Hill's butt.
I have Hank Hill's butt, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's amazing. Damn it, Bobby.
I got that surgically done. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you seen that guy that's gotten all his surgery? He's gotten muscles, fake muscles put in his whole body.

Speaker 1 He's like Russian or something.

Speaker 1 So look, 100% of all of his body has been surgically done.

Speaker 1 Look at this, look at this, look at this. That's one of the cases.
That's not the main guy.

Speaker 1 But this is them injecting fake muscles into them.

Speaker 1 They're not strong. These guys can't lift anything, but it's all like different chemicals and waters and solutions and saline and shit.

Speaker 1 They look like Popeye.

Speaker 1 This guy got fake. Those are fake abs.
They're injected. Are they drawn in? No, dude.
That's put into his body. That's like a physical piece.
Look at his face. Well, that's not an ab.

Speaker 1 His face isn't an ab. Oh.

Speaker 1 That's an abscess. That's different.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 It looks manufactured.

Speaker 1 I mean, and let me ask you something. Being the only girl.
You're a girl, too.

Speaker 1 You look more of a kid, though. Hold on, though.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What a moment that just happened.

Speaker 3 I'm a girl. I never saw my dad's penis.

Speaker 1 No, we say guys get to see their dad's penis. Girls, you see your denier.
The reason why I said that, I'm so sorry to apologize.

Speaker 1 Did that hurt your feelings?

Speaker 3 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it did. Right.
Yeah. But can I tell you why I said that?

Speaker 1 Because I don't view you as a man or a woman. I view you as a comedian, a peer.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's bullshit.

Speaker 1 No, you know what's so funny? Couldn't agree with you more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Couldn't agree with you you more. Yeah, I don't treat you like

Speaker 1 I would any other comedian that opens for us. That's right.
And that's my slave.

Speaker 3 That's beautiful. I don't see you as a man either.

Speaker 1 Okay, I can take that. You know what? I'll take that.
What do you view me as?

Speaker 3 A comedian.

Speaker 1 Okay, thank you. And that's good.
What do you view me as? Also a comedian. Okay, good.
Good, good.

Speaker 1 I was waiting for you to ask me. Let me ask you to the lady in the room.

Speaker 1 Let me ask the two ladies in the room. Is that sexy to you?

Speaker 4 No. No.

Speaker 1 Fake muscle guy, no chance. But why do they do it then? It's for self-image.
They feel like that's going to help their image. Anyway.

Speaker 1 Sad. Sad.

Speaker 1 I liked my body. I like your body.
Yeah. It's blobby.
It's not blobby. Yeah.
What do you think? Blobby? Bobby. It's Bobby.
It's blobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're blobby. You remind me of a stress ball.

Speaker 1 Because you know how depending on what they are. I know what they are, but let me think about it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 to me, it hurt. Why? Stress ball, first of all, everybody wants to touch them.
Because

Speaker 1 you're squeezable. Everybody wants to touch them.
Yeah. Okay.
They feel relaxed. Tell me when I've said something that's not correct about you being a stress ball, metaphor stress ball.

Speaker 1 Everybody wants to touch it. Right? Okay.

Speaker 1 Let me say something. Can I finish? Let me just say true or false after everyone.
Fine. So say it again.
Everybody wants to touch it. Bing.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 It's soft and sweet.

Speaker 1 Bing.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 It's disposable. You can throw it away whenever you're done with it.

Speaker 1 Boom. Balls.

Speaker 1 I was really waiting on the false sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You are a stress ball. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what you are?

Speaker 1 Driftwood.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
Dead wood just floating along the fucking river. Misshapen.
I can't wait till a beaver uses me. True.

Speaker 1 Dry.

Speaker 1 True. Yeah.
Unfuckable.

Speaker 1 True. You've never seen a good piece of driftwood you wanted to stick your dick in? I fuck every single one.
Are you kidding me? I fuck every single one. You ever seen a beaver's dam?

Speaker 1 I want to fuck the shit out of those.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Show me a good old beaver dam.
I'll show you a boner right here in the studio.

Speaker 1 When you just said that, it's interesting because if I had

Speaker 1 my personality in a beaver, I wouldn't have a dam.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because you have to work really hard to make one.
Look at those two beavers. If that's you and I, right? That's you and I.
Right.

Speaker 1 First of all, you're the front, you're sleeping.

Speaker 1 Well, because, you know, that's a tempurpeutic log he's sleeping on.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you know that, but yeah.

Speaker 1 So I'm sleeping, and then you're going, come on, dude, we got to make the fucking.

Speaker 1 Post about the dam.

Speaker 1 Post about the dam. No one's going to know it's here for you.
We're going to go to the Phoenix fucking dam in two weeks. Boast about it.
Right. So, um.
No, that it, that,

Speaker 1 honestly, you would be the worst beaver. You'd die.
No, you do you need a dam to live as a beaver. Why do they build them?

Speaker 1 I think, flex.

Speaker 1 You think that's a big flex? Yeah, it's like, check out my dam. You know what I mean? But I don't need it.
Why do they build Google that? I have no idea why. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 Because it's not that secure, is it?

Speaker 3 Maybe they like still water.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like that. Maybe they like float.
Let's try to guess. Why do beavers build a dam? I think, you know what I think it is? What? Breeding.
I think it's for breeding. Yeah, that's what it's doing.

Speaker 1 It's for breeding. Yeah, it's got got to be.
Why do beavers build dams? Beavers build dams across streams to create a pond where they can build a beaver lodge to live in.

Speaker 1 These ponds provide protection from predators like wolves, coyotes, or mountain lions. So it's got to be for breeding, too.
No, but check this out. Check it out.
I have good people skills.

Speaker 1 The wolves, they love me.

Speaker 1 No, they do, though. You're going to be the one beaver.
I'm a wolf. Ready? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 char.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 You're dead already.

Speaker 1 You're dead within seconds. Let's try again.
Okay. Give me another deal.
You won't get another life in real life. I know.
All right, ready? Hey, Rivera.

Speaker 1 Remember I gave you the mushroom last week and the nut?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to go on my way. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Wait. What? Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Korea. I'm a Korean beaver.
You're a creever.

Speaker 1 A creever! On you go. Oh, thank you.
I'd let you go. See it? There we go.
I'd be friends with all the predators. I guess that's true.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but then you'd attract them back to the dam.

Speaker 1 Because they'd be like, where's my body?

Speaker 1 What she's saying is they would be like, I want to hang out and go see that guy.

Speaker 1 But then they would let one guy in the circle would be like, I know we like hanging out with them, but we should fucking eat him, right? But then I would have a side deal with that guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can eat all my friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking side deal. Which beavers in the room are you throwing under the bus first? Oh, fuck.
Probably you. Yeah, you're gone.
Yeah, you're gone. You're fucking

Speaker 1 gone, dude. The Asian one, you're gone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you're last. I'm not kidding.
I'm gone by that time because you've tipped me off. I'm running away.

Speaker 1 Guys, I'm going to get more wood. Wink, wink.
We're fucking gone. What I would have done is written a letter on a piece of bark.

Speaker 1 Right? Run. Run.
Yeah, dear Andrew, run. Dear Andrew.
So I'd hand it to you. Well, you'd.
I know these are my fucking Wolves friends. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Going In the hot summer, going to these lots,

Speaker 1 and you get sweaty, right? And you have to walk around. I'm hungry.
You're hungry, dude. I'm thirsty.
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Speaker 1 that reminds me when we used to sneak out of high school for lunch like before when we were sophomores or whatever and we'd sneak off campus and you couldn't do that and we'd sneak back in but we would pay off you know or give or get weed or something because it wasn't always money these like hall monitor type guys we would just give them whatever they wanted to sneak us inside doors and they would have that whole like hand us oh right we can't go down certain hallways

Speaker 1 oh you had connection. Like you can't go down sophomore hall because they'll be out that way.
Oh, so you were kind of like in your own little mafia. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was actually a very coordinated effort. It was perfect.
But

Speaker 1 they didn't really want us to get in trouble either. Those guys were just.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
They were like, ah, fucking, don't get busted by the.

Speaker 1 I used to smoke wheat. I would cup it.
In your hand? Yeah, so I would cup it like this so that

Speaker 1 it's sticking. And I cup it and smoke it.
And never got caught. And I used to do math in the math book too.
What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, in the crease. If you snort, you can snort the math.
Out of a crease. Yeah, so I'm just reading a book.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Bobby, how are you liking geometry?

Speaker 1 I'm going to build a gazebo.

Speaker 1 I'll build a gazebo.

Speaker 1 Bobby would go on to build one of the best gazebos of all time. But the most humiliating was this.
I was such a poor student. My senior year, my brother was a freshman.

Speaker 1 And when I went to math class, he was in it.

Speaker 1 It was sucked. And you still didn't do well in that class, did you? How many times did you get held back in a class? That was only math.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But my brother laughed.
Yeah. He went, ah, ah! You know what I mean? Culturally.

Speaker 1 It was so humiliating. But I was sober, so I was like, ah, fuck school.
Fuck school, dude.

Speaker 1 You don't need it. You do.
No, you don't. Please don't.
Why would you need it? School? Yeah. You need elementary school.
You can learn everything from movies and television.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm not going to argue with that.

Speaker 1 If you watch every movie, every TV show, you can learn the language.

Speaker 1 You can also learn things of how to escape things. You know what I mean? Like in terms of like, if you watch a heist movie.
Okay. What do you mean, Kate? I don't like your tone right now, dude.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Or, you know, when you watch something like Braveheart.
What if you watch Die Hard? You learn. What are you going to learn?

Speaker 1 You don't walk across the fucking ground when you have bare feet and there's broken glass. That's true.

Speaker 1 So, you know, and have I done that in my life? Never. Never.
I've never done that. Give me another movie.
What if you watch Jurassic Park?

Speaker 1 I never get on those little tourist rides. Oh, so you're not, you never are a tourist? No, I go to the facility, right? But I don't go on those little

Speaker 1 and let's see the wilderness. So you think you can learn a lesson from every movie? Exactly.
And you don't need school? No. Okay, I'll give you another movie.
Choke a lot.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. I didn't see it.
Yeah, tough, huh?

Speaker 1 Well, what's the lesson there then? It It took a lot.

Speaker 1 Don't eat chocolate.

Speaker 1 The guy dies of diabetes. Oh, he does.
She takes it. This is so fucking cruel.

Speaker 1 She takes him on a date. And look at that.

Speaker 1 This is a retelling story of Adam and Eve. You know, it's like Eve gave fucking Adam the apple.
He bites it. And of course, dude, if Johnny Depp, see that chocolate?

Speaker 1 If that was your penis, you'd let him suck it in that photo. Well, then, yeah.
Not now. No, no, not now.
Now that he's a fucking warlock.

Speaker 1 Not letting that wizard suck my dick. He's fucking cool.
Back then, dude? Back then. Oh, my God, dude.
He could suck the cream right out of that thing. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, look at him now.

Speaker 1 Just fucking bonkers. He's okay there.
Yeah, but these are the best pictures they could find. Right.
He's wearing makeup.

Speaker 1 You know, we got into real discussion about this today about the writer's strike that's happening. Right.
And it's like, I'll tell you what. Yes, pay the writers.
Obviously. I'm for that.
Also,

Speaker 1 you know how any fucking working actors, quote unquote, that don't have any money? I know so many of them that are working actors and they make no fucking money.

Speaker 1 It's not, it's look, it's time for the writers to get what they're due, but honestly, it's really sad what happens.

Speaker 1 I know people that come and do guest stars and they're guest starring a ton and they're still not making enough to survive. I mean, if I had to

Speaker 1 live off of just acting, I would have a day job.

Speaker 1 That's a fact. Most do.
Look at this. Jeffrey Owens turns the tables on Trader Joe's shaming.
Yeah. Remember him, Jeffrey Owens? He had to get a job at Trader Joe's.

Speaker 1 But then what happened to him was some Fox, it was a newscaster, it was a Fox newscaster, tried to shame him. Like, look at this guy that was used to be on, what was it, the Martin Show?

Speaker 1 What show was he on? A Cosby show. Cosby, yeah, yeah, he's on the Cosby show.

Speaker 1 And then they tried to shame him, and then directors started getting him jobs.

Speaker 1 I know, but how awful that it took like a fucking moment for the internet in shame to have this poor man have to, it just, it's just weird to think that that's how that works out sometimes.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I don't know, man. Could be a mismanagement of money.
Who knows what was going on in his life?

Speaker 1 Yeah, as an actor, because there's so much streaming, because there's just so much out there that you don't make that much money, and you can't even become, how would you become super famous from acting now?

Speaker 1 I think they hand-pick you. We talked about this a lot.
Yeah, Margo Robbie. I think they hand-picked you.
They package you. They make you the thing.
Margo Robbie was like born to be a star. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They wanted her to be famous. You have to be a genetic anomaly almost.

Speaker 1 You have to look special. Yeah.
You know what I saw today? I saw two women today. walking out of this restaurant.
And I was like, where did they fucking make you guys?

Speaker 1 Like they were, they were walking together like

Speaker 1 model. Yeah, they looked fake.
They looked, and they, they didn't have like a lot of work done or anything, but they were fucking beautiful. And it's like, I'm not supposed to be next to you guys.

Speaker 1 They should be separate. They should put them in a, they should be on the moon.

Speaker 1 They should be on the moon. Can I be on the moon with them? No fucking way.
I will just be their friend. Would not pass the test.

Speaker 1 You could drive the rocket ship to the moon, maybe get out for a smoke break and say hi. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just leaning again, like leaning against the squatting

Speaker 1 like an Asian squat.

Speaker 1 Hey, ladies, good luck. No, thanks.
I just said, good luck. Back to Earth.

Speaker 1 Back to Earth, I'll go.

Speaker 1 That's 100%.

Speaker 1 Oh, that hurts so bad. You would be driving, and I'd be doing tickets.
You know, I'd be the ticket taker on the hot ship to space. What would they say to you? They'd be like, oh, what are you?

Speaker 1 No, they'd be like, they go, oh, are you taking tickets? I go, yeah. And they're like, you're not so bad.
No, they are. And then I go, thanks, girls.
And then as I'd walk away, they go,

Speaker 3 Yeah. And I'd get their bags.

Speaker 1 They would go, how did we start a fire in this atmosphere? Yeah. When they saw you.
When they saw me.

Speaker 1 You're driving. I'm taking tickets.
You're definitely doing the bags. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And they're like, what a nice young man.

Speaker 1 Who's that boy that took our bath?

Speaker 3 What's his name? Yeah. He had pink glasses on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, okay.

Speaker 1 Accept the fate, dude. We're not going to the hot moon.
We're not going to hot move.

Speaker 1 I know. You're not going to go to hot moves.
I don't even think about it but you don't you're not how do i get into hot moon you don't you if i was like bezos hot moon

Speaker 1 what can i own wait can i own hot moon no fucking way why because have you seen jeff bezos look at him they wouldn't let him on even if he owned it they'd be like sorry jeff yeah you got to be really ugly to own the moon yeah

Speaker 1 dude this is a fucking movie that you're driving the spaceship for the hot people to go to space i'm taking tickets and she's loading bags and we try to devise a plan on how to get how to permanently live up there yeah like let me bring your bags on a hot moon.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'll bring your bags to your room on the moon.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, you know what? I think you left, I think you need to get a new ticket. This one doesn't work, so I'll have to follow you off into the moon, and you'll have to get a new credit card.

Speaker 1 No, you know what I do?

Speaker 1 It would be like the hills have eyes, and you and I would live in a cave. Oh, yeah.
And then they'd walk by, and they just see four eyes blinking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, blink, blink, blink, blink. And it's just, it's, it's eerie.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'll never feel safe. But wait, why are we doing that? Thought we wanted to hang out.

Speaker 1 I thought we wanted to hang out.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I'd rather affect that because I don't like their attitude. So we're just staring at hot people all day? Yeah, yeah, and just blinking.

Speaker 1 And I would probably like, and maybe we'd evolve into making getting red, glowy eyes. We need red, glowy eyes.
Okay, we'll get those before we leave. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We can go to like, you know, do they sell it hot topic?

Speaker 1 Okay. I don't know where they're still around.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 What's the store that you can get red, glowy eyes? Claire's. Spencer's original.
Yeah, Spencer's gifts. Yeah, yeah.
You can find that.

Speaker 3 But they'll have little dicks on the pupils.

Speaker 1 100%. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Little tiny eggs. They'll freak them out.
But I think that's the truth. We wouldn't be allowed on Hot Moon.
Hot Moon isn't for us.

Speaker 1 I have an idea. Yeah.

Speaker 3 When you're driving the bus, they're distracted on their phones taking selfies. You empty everything out of their bags.
And then when they park, you guys get in the bags. And then I'll carry you guys.

Speaker 1 You can't carry us?

Speaker 3 I'll have a dolly.

Speaker 1 Yes, okay.

Speaker 3 And it's the moon, so the gravity is like easier to.

Speaker 1 That's true. Push.
And I would look at you and go, you know what? Fuck this place. Let's create create Uglo Mars.

Speaker 1 So we go to Mars and make Uglomars. Uglo Mars is where we go.
Oh, yeah. And we don't let them come to hot moon? They wouldn't want to go.
It doesn't matter. I don't care if you have a passport.

Speaker 1 You can't come to Uglo Moon. But wait, why would they even want to? Because

Speaker 1 what do we have there that they need? The hottest what?

Speaker 1 When we're in hot, this is what happens. When we're on fucking Uglo Mars,

Speaker 1 you and I discover something more addictive than opiates

Speaker 1 in the Earth. Oh, hell yeah.
Like a lab, right? And then we send her to fucking. With a sample of it.
Yeah, hot moon. Oh, wow.
Right? You give it to them. It's a little dabble.

Speaker 1 She puts it in their bags. Right, right.
They take it. They're Jonesing now.
Right. We need to get the Uglo Moon of Mars.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Can't come.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 We do the thing. Do we have a gigantic metal finger that does this? No, no, no, no, no.
No hotties. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice try. Yeah.
And then they're just shivering. Do we ever go to war with them?

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, we do.
We take over hot fucking moon, dude. We fucking take it over, dude.
Honestly, we wouldn't make it to hot moon, and I'm okay with that.

Speaker 1 You know, like I saw, dude, fucking, they're shooting, they're finishing Rust. They're finishing Rust.
They just wrapped Rust.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? They're going to finish that movie? They did. They just wrapped.

Speaker 1 He's still in it, Alec? He's still doing it. He's still shooting up people.

Speaker 3 Oh, I didn't know that's what that movie was called. That's the one that Alec.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look, they finished production.

Speaker 1 They went back to production on it.

Speaker 1 that's gross but honestly yeah why would you finish shooting a movie yeah i just let you gotta let that one go that one call it a loss i think if someone dies it's over it's over well they did that with the crow it's over yeah they finished they finished it without the star it's crazy but also i know it's a huge loss for the it's it's a big loss but but it's like what is it like forced majority it's like there's got to be an insurance clause that's like somebody died yeah you got to fucking you can't finish imagine yeah Biggest movie of your career.

Speaker 1 You're shooting it next year. Biggest of your

Speaker 1 fucking career. What's it called, baby? Ping pong Ching Chong.
It's the greatest ping pong champion. Am I Ching Chong?

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, you're the star.

Speaker 1 You're the star. I thought you were going to say Randall Parks Ching Chong.
No, no.

Speaker 1 You are the great Ping Pong Ching Chong. You know the story of him, don't you? Oh, the legendary story of Ping Pong Ching Chong?

Speaker 1 From the folklore? Yes. Oh, I know it.
Repeat it. You know it.

Speaker 1 I know you love it. I know you know it.
It's incredible. And a white guy knowing it, it just puts fucking butterflies in my heart, though.

Speaker 1 He was born. Born where?

Speaker 1 He was born in Taiwan. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Exactly. And his parents instead put him in a dumpster or something that most people, they buried him.

Speaker 1 Last names are the slants.

Speaker 1 Right? Ping pong slant? Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Why not? I don't remember this. Is it? Yeah.
Okay. And they bury him alive.
Oh, because they thought he was a girl? Yep.

Speaker 1 I see. And check this out.
Because there's only one child policy. That's right.
And so they bury him in the backyard, which is disgusting and inhumane. Yeah, so Ping Pong's land's buried.

Speaker 1 But let me tell you something about Ping Pong. What? The resiliency.
What? He uses his resources around him. He eats worms.
He's staying alive underground.

Speaker 1 Also, he's Asian, so he's born knowing karate. Already.
Right, so he does that Umother Thurman thing. Right.
Right? Like, remember Donna the

Speaker 1 Eagle Dead, sticking his hands out, right? But

Speaker 1 that's years later. He grew underground.
That's right. I remember that.
Yeah, Yeah,

Speaker 1 my bad. So he grew to be a full-grown man, right? Right, right.
He's 19, 20 years old. You're missing the fucking wise earthworm.
What? There's an earthworm when he's on that.

Speaker 1 Remember that wise earthworm? Oh, I love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What does he say?

Speaker 3 He's voiced by Eddie Murphy.

Speaker 1 Eddie Murphy, right?

Speaker 1 You're going to be the greatest ping pong player of all time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember him? Yes.
Yeah, yeah. And he gives him the knowledge of it.
The knowledge of it, right?

Speaker 1 You can get out of the situation. You just have to play ping pong.

Speaker 1 So, sure enough, he comes to the United States and becomes the greatest champion of all time, faces adversity, racism, hatred, setbacks, and he becomes the greatest.

Speaker 1 You are playing ping pong ching chong next year. That's amazing.
Who's playing the worm? Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy.
But what if he can't do it?

Speaker 1 Eddie Griffin.

Speaker 1 Eddie Griffin.

Speaker 1 And if he can't do it, Cat Williams said he would do it. But 30th is Eric Griffin.
This motherfucker's going to play ping pong. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cat Williams. I can't wait.
So listen.

Speaker 1 Let me say something. How did he

Speaker 1 like he, how old was he when he left the fucking earth?

Speaker 1 He was a baby. They put him underground to camp.
I know, but how long was he down there with fucking, you know what I mean? 20 years. He became 20 years.
20 years.

Speaker 1 And then he gets out and he knows how to speak. The worm teaches him everything.
Chinese. Wise worm.
Cat Williams, a wise worm. Right.
Cat Williams. I remember.
Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 3 But he speaks like Cat Williams because that's the only voice he's ever heard.

Speaker 1 So Ping Pong Ching Chong is like, I'm ready to fucking play ping pong, bitch. Right.
That's what you got to do. Yeah, right.
This motherfucker wants to play ping pong.

Speaker 1 I'm ready to play ping pong, bitch. Exactly.
Fuck yeah. Do I get the role? You got it.
Motherfucker. So here are the here's the deal.
2024, you're shooting in Vancouver.

Speaker 1 That's where a lot of films are being shot. Right.
And you're up there.

Speaker 3 And sure enough. Macone's the cinematographer.

Speaker 1 Macone is, yeah. We'll see.
Yeah. We'll see.
We'll see. Yeah, back it up, dude.
Oh, so now, and I swing the ping-pong.

Speaker 1 The paddle

Speaker 1 I lose it. And it it kills.
It goes between an actress's mouth, slits her mouth like the Joker.

Speaker 1 She dies.

Speaker 1 And then what? And then the studio goes, Hey, ping-pong. I'm Bobby.
I'm playing ping-pong. We refer to you as your character almost always.

Speaker 1 But it's just a little racist when you call me ping-pong when I'm off-screen. Sliding you a check.
Oh, $40.

Speaker 1 So, ping-pong, back to what I was saying, ping-pong? Yes. You're willing to go for it? Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 There's a girl. Can you Google this? There is a girl whose girl snowboarding away from a bear.
I saw this clip today. Yeah.
That's fine. And I was like, holy fucking shit.
This girl is so...

Speaker 1 She has no idea. She's strapping in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And has no idea a bear is chasing her.
She's like listening to music. Look at this.

Speaker 1 And there's a fucking bear right there. And she doesn't see it because the camera's not.
Camera's just facing her. She doesn't see it.
Oh, my God. She doesn't see what's behind her.
Yeah. So look.

Speaker 1 No, but she has no idea. She's inches away from like a slip up or whatever from just getting fucking eaten alive.

Speaker 1 Look, you think he's gone? No, he's right there.

Speaker 1 She's just cruising along.

Speaker 1 And she has no idea. No fucking idea.
Look at her face. If she had an idea, she'd panic and fall.
Thank God she never turned around. Look, there he is right now.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, it's like the revenant. Every time you think he's gone, he's right fucking there.
Right there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 And now she gets over the crest of that hill and she rips and she's far away. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I'd be dead. Imagine watching back that footage.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Piss. Piss myself.

Speaker 1 I can smell bear.

Speaker 1 Sorry?

Speaker 1 Say it again.

Speaker 1 You can smell bear. Yeah.
You think you've got that keen of a sense of smell? Oh, I know bear.

Speaker 3 I know bear dude. What does it smell like?

Speaker 1 It smells like wolf.

Speaker 1 But like heftier. A heavy wolf.

Speaker 1 You think a bear is a heavy wolf?

Speaker 1 They have similar smells. Is this one of your Chinese calendars? No, because it's like...
No, I'll tell you why, though. I'll be real.

Speaker 1 I can smell a bear because I know what wet dog smells like. Well, that I know.
So you know, right? That's not what a bear smells like. Because it does.
It's in the snow.

Speaker 1 It's hair. Wet hair, you can smell it.
So I have a key. I'm like daredevil.

Speaker 1 No, I have senses, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you've got the regular ones.

Speaker 1 No, I have extra smelling scents. You think you have an extra chromosome.
Yeah, dude. I can't hear that well with C, but it all went into my fucking nose.
You jerked him.

Speaker 1 Wait, do they have a down syndrome?

Speaker 1 Okay, good. Very good one.
Very good. You don't think you can smell bear? No!

Speaker 1 I can't smell a fucking bear.

Speaker 3 And she had the big goggles on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's... Can you, do you smell with your eyes? But it can be all over your nose.
You know, you actually can smell with your eyes. Oh, you can.

Speaker 3 I can see smell.

Speaker 1 I mean, can you,

Speaker 1 but human beings, don't we have an instinctual thing when something dangerous is around? When it's near you, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty near, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude, she was born with no fucking

Speaker 1 no. You know what she was born with? What? Fucking ripper, dude.
She was ripping. Oh, she is ripping.
She's like, fuck that, dude. Just got a rip, dog.
I think that's insane. But yes.

Speaker 1 When something is near you,

Speaker 1 something instinctual kicks in to think that something's near. But she might have just thought it's snowy and windy.
I don't know. Yeah, you know what? The biggest fear,

Speaker 1 I think my biggest fear is being in the wilderness, the tundra, wherever. Yeah, tundra, yeah.
Okay. And you run across a beast.

Speaker 1 You run across. I don't know what the beast lives in tundra, but it's got fangs, dude.
What does it look like? Oh, it's got fucking Michael Shannon eyes.

Speaker 1 They're wide apart. Yeah.
The actor, Michael Shannon. Like Amanda Seifred.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Two saber teeth. But not coming out of the mouth, though.
Where is it coming out of? Cheek. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's got more coming out of the mouth. What? Yeah, so he's just like melting teeth.
Melting teeth. Right.
Michael Shannon eyes, right? Shannon eyes, melty teeth. Yeah, yeah.
The body of

Speaker 1 Ralphie May.

Speaker 3 So slow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but the legs of Hussein Bolt. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. She's saying like a 600-pound Hussain Bolt.
Yes. And he can run that fast.
Right. Michael Shannon eyes.
Remember. Shannonize.
And high teeth. And you're there, right?

Speaker 1 And you know there's nothing you can do.

Speaker 1 Imagine that fear. Nothing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you start doing? What? What do you start doing? I would probably smear poo on my face.

Speaker 1 If it's charging towards you, you smear poo on yourself? Well, I would shit automatically because that's your organic. That's instinct.

Speaker 1 Immediately on my face. And I would just fall to the ground.
Man gets canceled for doing blackface while getting mauled by the mouth. No, no, no, not being.
I'm doing poo face. Right?

Speaker 1 I would pretend I was poo. What do you think? What do you think? Imagine if they find you, but they cancel you because they're like, hey, man.

Speaker 1 Bobby was doing blackface. Not getting attacked.

Speaker 1 Yeah. In the Wood Tomb.
Michael Shannon creature was nearby. No.
No, no. Still, dude.
You didn't need to do blackface. That's so offensive.

Speaker 1 Don't you have a fear of an animal?

Speaker 1 Curl up in a ball. You would curl up in a ball.
That's it. Curl up in a ball and let it play with you.

Speaker 1 No, I think you tick sticks and you make it loud.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, those airport guys with the. What do you want, like a phone with a gay gay pride parade? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? Yeah, I'm seeing it. And then just.
No, but you would scream. Why?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You would really scream and scare.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, there's a fucking loud eight. You're supposed to get big.
You're supposed to get big. Yeah, go big.
Is that true?

Speaker 3 I thought that was a myth.

Speaker 1 No, they say get big.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I know they say that, but I thought you weren't supposed to.

Speaker 1 Here's the deal: if a bear's charging towards you, you're fucked. You're not going to get big.
You're not going to get small. You're going to go like this.

Speaker 1 That's it. You're not doing shit.
You're not doing fucking shit. Like when we signed with sharks in Hawaii, you take an hour class.
And the one

Speaker 1 I did remember, I don't remember the rest of them. Splashing.
You can't splash. You're not supposed to squash.
Right.

Speaker 1 You have to swim above them. Right.

Speaker 1 But the third one, never

Speaker 1 lock eyes. Look away.
You look away. You look away.
Yeah. Like you blush almost.
That's why autistic kids are so good with sharks.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 You're right. There's never been an autistic kid attack by a shark.
Like with Rain Man.

Speaker 1 They've never been back there. Fin in the ocean.
Never get back. I got to go to Kmart.
Sharks. Shark fins, soup.
Finns are soup. Soup.

Speaker 1 That's a really good joke. I like it.
Imagine? Yeah, imagine. Imagine, though.
Honestly,

Speaker 1 even though I knew that we went and swam with

Speaker 1 Manta Rays or... Yeah, Manta Ray? Manta ray, right? Mana-ray in Hawaii.
And even though I know that they're like, these things aren't going to hurt you.

Speaker 1 There's nothing about it, but still, you get near them and you're like, yeah. What if it fucking turns on me? Or what if it's not a mana ray? What if it fucking won't turn me?

Speaker 1 What if it's a Michael Shannon?

Speaker 1 They kind of look alike. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, was it a stingray? I don't know. Whatever.
Stingray. See, that's what fucks me up because it just killed the master, Steve Irwin.

Speaker 1 Or mana rays, can they kill you? No, maybe it was a manta ray, right? I don't know. Are they deadly?

Speaker 1 They look like bats in the ocean, dude. Look at that.

Speaker 1 But do they want to hurt the human? I don't remember what we swam with. Mana-rays are quiet, peaceful.
Right, the mana-ray. That's who we swam with.
Manta ray. They didn't want to hit.

Speaker 1 Stingrays, though. Look up that.
Well, yeah, stingrays don't like you. Stingrays don't like you.
Why? Because they're. You know why? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they're on Elgo Mars. Oh, really? Look at those fucking things.
Look at the fourth picture. Go to the click on the fourth.
Look at that fucking ugly bitch. Holy shit, dude.

Speaker 1 Now look at what a mana ray looks like. Go to mana ray and look at what those fucking guys.

Speaker 1 Stingrays are just ugly. Mana rays? Beautiful.
They're on the moon. Yeah.
He looks like a fucking, he looks like the bat, the batmobile.

Speaker 1 I just realized stingrays are the fucking Asian fish of the ocean. You know why? Flat faces.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
Wow, dude. Wow.

Speaker 1 Does that offend you? No. Okay.
So the lesson that we learned today was that we are all going to go to Uggo Mars. But beware, Hot Moon.
Yeah. We're fucking coming for you, buddy.
It's a war.

Speaker 1 It's a war. So pack up, get ready, hunker down.
Because I don't think hot moon folks are going to be able to handle a go-Mars. What's your plan of attack, Jesse? Go.

Speaker 3 Shotgun.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Yeah. I didn't say weapon.
I just mean Jesus Christ. Are you going to shoot a shotgun into space? God damn it.
It would be gnarly. It would be gnarly.

Speaker 3 From Mars?

Speaker 3 It just traveled through.

Speaker 1 This is our plan of attack. She's just,

Speaker 1 and then you're like, what now? And you're like, we got to wait like a year and a half.

Speaker 1 And then it might get there. Yeah, yeah.
We're planning our attack, and just fucking take heed. We're coming for you, baby.
Yeah, and what will we say when we get there? Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being our bad friend.