Bobby Is a Lazy Beaver

Hey, Bad Friends fans! We're on tour, baby. On tour, baby.
And this is our last leg. One of our last legs.
This is one of our last legs for this chunk. And we're going to...
Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville.
We're doing a Florida run, guys. Then we're doing St.
Petersburg. Hollywood, Florida.
And then Orlando, Florida. Oh, my God.
So Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando come out and see us.
After that, we come back to the West Coast, baby. And we're going to go to my hometown, San Diego.
Yeah, we do Riverside and San Diego. Two shows in Riverside and then San Diego.

And then we go back up to the Northeast.

But for now, Florida, Riverside, San Diego.

Come out and see us in Jacksonville, in Orlando, in Hollywood.

You're going to love it.

You're going to learn so much about your life.

Go to badfriendspod.com.

Badfriendspod.com.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Well, we got ourself a brand new Asian. Well, am I being replaced? Because this is fucking...
First of all, she accused me of saying saying a jungle Asian. I've never said that, have I?

No.

Roll the tape.

Yeah.

And also, I love all people.

I know there's some.

Some.

There's some Asians.

I don't even know what island they're from.

Those are the weird ones.

So many of you guys.

There's so many more than I ever thought.

There's different varieties.

I love it.

Look at, he's got his Gooner jersey on.

My boy.

You know what?

I'm so sorry. I love you.

I love your soups. I love your movies.
What was it? Full Metal Jacket. Really good movie.
A classic. It was really good.
Who directed it? Coob. Coob.
The Coobsy. Have you seen it? Oh, yeah.
Coobsy Boobsy, baby. Really, you've seen it? I've seen it.
What is it about? The Army. Yeah.
yeah and wells and a really tough jacket well it is full metal yeah it is a full metal it's tough she's not wrong it's not adamantium steel like no marine wears but it's pretty close yeah pretty good so we got ourselves a brand new asian you have to announce yourself because you're gonna be on camera yeah she's she's on camera she's my new Carlos. She's my new Carlos.
Much better looking. Will you introduce me to Carlos? Hi.
Man, they're all the same, you guys. I'm like that? Quiet and polite.
No, you're not. You're the exception of the rule.
I think I got dropped in my head. 99.9% of Asians are hi, quiet, sweet, polite, just like lovable, wonderful people.
And then there's you. Yeah, my dad goes, pick me up as a baby.
He goes, this one broke. Put a bucket in it.
Cook more. No, no, no.
Your dad tried to shove you back in your mom. Yeah, there was something wrong with me since day one.
Well, she's from where your mother lives. She is a Phoenician, as it were.
We got a new Arizona Phoenician in our midst. So we got two AZ scumbags in the house.
Because I saw you at my house the other day, right? Yes. And you were with, who are you? Oh, you're coming up with.
I thought she was with David So and Tim. What's his last name? Chantaransu.
Chantaransu. Yeah.
And I always call him Tim Cookamonga. I don't know know why, because I used to know how to say his last name.

Sounds right.

Yeah, yeah.

And I thought, oh, Dave and Tim brought their daughter.

I don't know what it was.

You know what I mean?

But then she works for us.

She works for us now.

Amazing.

And I saw she has a tattoo right in the middle of her chest.

It's undeniable.

You have to see it.

It's like she's pulling focus.

What does the tattoo say?

It says 666.

And I was like, what does that mean to you?

Do you know what 666 is?

Well, when she looks at it, it's 999.

That's right.

That's what she said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

666 is the mark of Satan.

The mark of the beast, baby.

Of the beast, Beelzebub.

Beelzebub.

And then, I don't know if you guys know that,

but they just approved Satanism to be taught in schools.

I don't care for the tattoo.

Oh, is this 222? Yeah. Is that what it says? oh shit that's her name area code what is it that's her name that was her mother's pet name to to to come here too yeah that's what it sounds like when i'm making love just the actual sound go anyway um no two two two because it's what in the mic.
Say what it is. It means like alignment and that if you're on like a path that you feel like you're kind of rocky, it's like, no, you're on the right path.
You're aligned. This is a tattoo that only someone from Arizona would have.
Because boy, oh boy, is it treacherous out there. It's pretty treacherous.
Well, so there's a lot of people like you out there, huh? A lot of hipp yeah, yeah, a lot of hippie dippies. It's a hippie vibe, right? Do you like the Grateful Dead? No, I do I think it's terrible really dude.
I don't want to hear a jam in G major for 45 minutes They jam for like 45 fucking minutes, man. I love them.
It's fun big Big fan. You like them? A lot of times.
What was the lead singer's name?

Ted.

Close.

I heard the first part.

Yeah, almost.

Ted.

Ted.

Yeah.

Ted.

No.

Yeah.

Jem.

Jem.

Jem.

That's his name.

Jem's.

Yeah.

How'd you know?

Ted Jem's.

Big fan.

Ted Jem's.

Ted Jem's was the lead singer.

His name was Jerry Garcia. Oh, right, right, right.
There's an ice cream named after him. I thought you meant the guitar.
How many fingers did he have? At least eight. True.
He had nine. He had nine and a half.
Nine and a half, yeah, yeah. He had a little stubby bubby.
My girlfriend in high school, her brother was like a huge deadhead. Yeah.
Or just a fan of Jerry Garcia. And there was like a an iconic poster that has his handprints on it and one finger is obviously missing whoa and every time i went in there i thought he's gonna do that to me because he finds out i'm fucking his sister he's gonna fucking yakuza he was oh he was yeah he was yuck he was yucked up he was yucked up he was yucked up dog yeah when yakuucked up, they're yucked up, dog.
Can I play you guys a song that struck me this week? Go ahead. And we're going to be free and clear on this song.
Can you acapella it? No, no, but I want you to hear some of it. I think we won't get clipped for this because it's public right, because it's PBS.
Okay. I don't want to live on the moon.
Type that in. My buddy Chris O'Connor, shout out O'Connies, send it to me.
I've been listening to it all week. I don't want to live on the moon.
People I love, so although I may go, I'll be coming home soon. Cause I don't want to live on the moon.
No, I don't want to live on the moon. Are you okay, man? I relate to Ernie so much.
This is what you sing when you're in Australia, missing your wife and your dog. No, you know what? Honestly, it's a metaphor for it.
That's written for adults. Maybe a song for kids, but that's definitely for adults.
I literally thought

it was good.

The last line

was going to be

something crazy.

I know you did.

Yeah, yeah.

But I wanted to start it

from the heart.

I wanted the show

to start from a very sweet,

simple place.

And let me tell you something.

That song is so deep

and so perfect.

So simple.

I thought he was going to say,

you know what I mean?

I don't want to live

on the moon.

I'm a fan.

You know what I mean? Like some twist. I think that was implied.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Because he's gay. Oh, yeah.
Well, first of all, are they not allowed on the moon? No, but I just thought that there was going to be a payoff at the end. I know you did.
I listened to two minutes. I know you did.
I wanted you to take that in and really absorb that song. Well, the end is him getting back into bed with Bert and they start fucking.
I observed. They don't have a double.
They have twin brats. Yeah, they push them together.
Oh, they do at the end? Oh, yeah. That's the unedited version.
Oh, really? The explicit version, he pushes it back together and they start 69ing. And you're like, this is made for adults.
Yep. Oh, I see.
I don't want to live on the moon. How beautiful.
It's stunning. You know what, dude? If I think about it, it's so stunning and beautiful.
Because think about it, dude. Okay.
You ever looked at the moon? I want to go out there. And then you think, what am I going to do when I get out there? I got to be back here by everybody I love.
Yeah, I mean, if I was on the moon, I'd die. You would die.
You would die too. No way.
you wouldn't bring shit I wouldn't even bring the thing Carlos would call you the car to the moon you'd get the car to the moon hey man you have a 7am pickup you'd make it I'd show up nothing you'd pack nothing right dude shoot me up everyone has their helmets on and their suit I got nothing you have an arsenal jersey and a vape yeah and a vape can I. Can I vape in space? That'd be their first question.
And I walk out and I just implode. Yeah, you would implode.
Turn into that dust packet from Ramen Noodles. No Wi-Fi on the moon.
Can't switch. Can't switch on the moon, dog.
I think you can. Can you switch on the moon? I'll tell you why.
Why? Because Wi-Fi is from satellites. Boom, there's Wi-Fi.
Nice try, Jess. Yeah, nice try.
Damn. And the satellites, guess where they are? Space.
Not in the sea. Are they in the sea? They are.
They absolutely are. They're in the sea.
Yeah. I'm learning a lot about space.
Dude, what is wrong with you today, dude? I don't know, man. Dude, you know what? Let me say something to you.
That hit me in a weird way. You're jolly right now.
That hit me in a weird way jolly right now that hit me in a way you know what it really is it made me i missed home we got home and i thought that's what that song is about that song is about being back with the people that you love and the tour bus is the moon the tour bus is the moon i don't want to live on the fucking moon but we can visit we can visit the moon we can visit the moon and then i learned about space i learned divine divine heavenly wait divine geometry there is 108 108 moons in between the moon and the earth and there's 108 suns in between the sun and the earth you tell me that's not fucking crazy sacred geometry look up 108 moons maybe literally literally what the fuck is wrong with your own head? Smoked a big one today.

Are you high right now? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got picked.

Yeah, I can tell a little bit.

I don't like it.

108.

Look at that.

Jesus Christ.

Divine geometry.

Look at this.

There's 108 suns between the sun and the earth.

There's 108 moons between the moon and the earth.

You're telling me that's not?

Wait, wait.

Between the moon and the earth, there's 108 moons. Between the sun and the earth, there's 108's not wait wait between the moon and the earth there's 108 moons between the sun and the earth there's 108 suns aren't they asteroids they're not fucking they're not moons i think he means like distance distance dog they're not really the moon i mean she's got it there oh 108 moons if you put them together yeah yeah i think there's 108 moons in between the two fucking things i was like i've never seen that i'm fucking that's how much That's how much I like her.
The movie Dean Pimp. When you finally got it, she clapped a little bit.
She went like this. Oh, you got it.
I like her. I like her a lot.
You know, that's my daughter, right? You wish. Oh, you think if I had a daughter, she wouldn't look like that? No fucking way.
She would look like Ali Wong. Yeah.
No. No.
Who would it look like? Wait, I said yeah too fast. Yeah.
If I had a daughter, who would it look like? You with tits. He has tits.
You before you get your hair cut. You now look like your son.
All the tour you've looked like your daughter. Dude, my daughter would be haughty.
No chance. Fuck yeah, dude.
No chance. First of all, I would have, her underwear would be made out of fucking cage.
Yeah, because she'd be showing her butthole to everybody. Yeah.
Yeah, the butthole queen.

Her butthole would be loose, but her vagina, no one's been there.

Oh, right. So she's Catholic? Yeah.

You let him in the back. Yeah, the back.
Get in the back door. Yeah.
That would not be your daughter. I'm sorry,

dude. First of all, she...
What would my daughter look like then?

Not good. That's offensive.

Because if I fucking had a baby with, like,

Glenn Close. Doesn't matter.

Right? It would look like...

You know what? It would look like an explorer.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
With Glenn Close?

I think it's not even alive yet you'd have a good looking kid I take it back you're a hot guy i i am stoned i know but if you look at my photo of when i was 20 i looked okay you look really cute i did this to myself yes you did dude what's wrong with you right now nothing i like it sing the song for me oh i't want to live on the moon. You don't want to live on the moon.

I want to live on the moon.

Yeah, you do.

See, this is the problem.

That's why Ernie wrote that song, because it's for people like you that think they can live on the moon all the time.

This was a lesson I'm trying to impart on you.

Can't live on the moon all the time, man.

I think you're saying is that we should be grateful for where we are.

That's right.

That's what the song is really about.

It's about that.

I just wanted to bless the room with something peaceful and wonderful to start. Yeah.
It's really beautiful, dude. I really think it is.
Yeah. There was this comic named Peter Chen.
Yeah. Do you know Peter Chen? I don't.
First of all, when I came to LA, he was like a 50-year-old Asian guy. He did his own documentary about his life.
Peter Chen. So he was 50 years old.
He goes, I'm the Asian around here. Right? I don't know what you're doing up here.
Go back to San Diego. I remember you telling me this.
Right? And I go alright dude. Relax.
Right? He was right though. But he had the best he would write his own comebacks.
Okay? I don't want to do hacky ones. I'm not going to do the one like don't bother me when I'm working.
Right? I don't go to and slap the dick out of your mouth yeah those are great those are you know these are hacky you know what I mean no they're great so he did this if someone would heckle they'd go you heckle one more time I stick you on the rocket ship shoot you to the moon that was his fucking comeback that's pretty good and everyone in the back would be like you know what I mean because the audience would be what the fuck but they're clean but the assumption is he's asian must know math must be engineer must be able to get somebody to the moon i see it clear as day dude that's actually a very deep joke you're in right now that's a deep joke it's pretty deep can i tell you a street joke yeah i'll have some i got a street joke for you guys. Good.
Kind of. Kind of clean.
Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are in a bar. I've heard this one before.
You told me this one. Yeah, you told all of us.
You told all of us the other day. At dinner.
So I'm not going to laugh. You're going to laugh.
No, no. All right, say it differently then.
All right, this Jew and his Chinaman are in a bar. Yeah.
Okay. And Jew stands up, punches the Chinaman in the face.
I hate this joke. And he said, that's for Pearl Harbor.
And the Chinaman says, that was the Japanese. He goes, Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me.
Moments later, Chinese guy gets up, cracks the Jew right in the mouth. Jew says, what was that for? He says, the Titanic.
And he says, that was an iceberg. And he says, iceberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me.
You like it? The first time you told it, it was way longer. Yeah, I sped it up.
Yeah. I sped it up.
Sorry, man. Sorry, man.
You know the grasshopper walking to barge? I that joke huh you know that joke no you know this joke um grasshopper walks in a bar bartender goes hey we have a drink name after you grasshopper says you have a drink name steve that's good that's good it's a good one dude street jokes i love don't you love street jokes i do they're so fun yeah yeah they're so simple and so easy There's nothing to them They don't mean anything A gay couple are living together Here we go Right And This is not that funny In sin by the way Go ahead So They're living together They're in love And they love it Right And one guy You know He's a stay at home husband And the other guy know what I mean? And one morning, the businessman that's in the relationship gets up to go to work. And he sees his partner jerking off into a condom.
Into a condom. Yeah, into a condom.
And he goes, what are you doing, man? He goes, I'm just packing your lunch. That's a great joke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got one? Yeah.
My dad told the one at dinner. Oh, give me the one your dad told I didn't know if I heard it he was so excited to tell this to everybody it's a good joke it's this older couple they both go to the doctor because they're having memory problems the doctor says that's fine just write everything down so the next day they're getting he goes do you want some ice cream she goes yeah vanilla, but write that down.
He goes, I'll remember it. And she goes, okay, but I want sprinkles too, and write that down.
He goes, no, I'll remember it. She goes, and I want a cherry on top.
Are you writing this down? He goes, no, don't worry, I'll remember it. So he comes back like 30 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs, and she goes, what are you doing I asked for toast with that I like that longest joke I've ever heard we got nothing but time it's a look it's a long job how much of this is gonna be cut I I'm loving it all okay I know it's pretty long I'm loving it all.
Okay, good. All right, so this is the longest joke.
I know, it's pretty long. Okay.
This takes a whole hour? I hope you can follow along. I'm here.
All right, so there was a great magician named Fernando the Magnificent, right? Sold out Vegas, residency in Vegas, sell out, sell out, sell out. For years, 20 years, sell out every night.
One of the best magicians. And he goes, you know what? I'm gonna retire.
I going to do my final show, right? So he goes, I need to come up with a fucking magic trick, right? That's going to blow everyone's minds away. And so he's sitting there, sitting there, writing it, working on it.
And he fucking figures it out. Okay.
So final show now. Fernando the Magnificent.
Okay. And he goes, toward the end of the show, he goes, for my last act last act i need a volunteer i need the strongest man in the room to help um help me with this next um trick and um no one raises his hand come on the strongest guy please and all of a sudden one hand in the audience six foot eight redneck you know i mean thick muscular you know because he man I'll try right come on what's your name my name is Bubba alright so Bubba see that metal bat see that metal bat on the stage Bubba goes uh huh and we just swing that bat and hit me in the face right and Bubba goes hey man I wanna let you know I'm really strong I'll fucking kill you dude so I'm not gonna do that and he goes hey man come on just I it's a magic trick I got it right just swing it into my face dude it's a magic trick I'm not gonna get hurt all right man all right here we go he swings back hits Fernando in fernando's head splits open his eyes roll back he goes into convulsions he hits his back he goes into a coma right cut to now the hospital i know where this is going i don't i don't you know all right do you guys know right? Right.
Fernando, so Bubba quits his job.

He lives in Alabama.

He quit his job because he feels so bad that he almost killed Fernando the Magnificent.

So he's at his bedside every day, right?

A couple of months later, right, doctor comes in.

Hey, I'm sorry, Bubba, but we're going to have to take him off life part Because um There's just no sign of activity Yeah And Bubba goes Look At his pinky And you see Fernando's pinky Moving like this And the doctor goes Okay That's a sign I'll come back A month later I'm sorry One pinky's not gonna do it Look both pinkies every month he comes in this doctor every finger

a new finger is moving right right so then a year goes by whatever right well um 10 months go by all the fingers are moving right and the doctor comes in and goes um listen i know the fingers are moving but we just got to take them off life to support because his eyes are opening so Fernando's eyes starts opening

he looks at the doctor

looks at Buddha

Baba are moving but we just got to take him off life to support because his eyes are opening so fernando's eyes starts opening he looks at the doctor looks at buda and then he goes i knew it i knew it i feel like you've told that joke on this show have i told that joke before i think so yeah then why'd you make me fucking tell him again you piece of shit worth it worth it why'd you make me tell it again you piece of shit the energy today feels like it's at the right time oh it's like the best of yeah best of let's do the best of door dash you know what andrew i love getting delivery yeah you do and i love delivery apps but my favorite one is door dash i'll tell you why i use it all over the country i'd lose use it in hawaii they have the best options missing the syrup from your pancakes, Andrew, or just ran out of your favorite coffee creamer? With DoorDash Grocery Delivery, you can get what you want right when you need it. Here's the deal.
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What is wrong with you?

You're smiling.

I like it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When did you get high?

About 20 minutes ago.

Why?

I was coming here.

I know, but you never have done that. You've never, I was coming here.
I know.

But you never have done that.

I'm not high.

I'm not high.

Oh, you're not?

No.

Oh.

Look.

Oh, my God.

I think he's lying.

I think you're lying.

I swear.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

There's a namaste about you.

Yeah, dude, I'm trying to zen.

You're peaceful.

I'm trying to fucking zen.

Oh, you're zenned out right now.

I told him you didn't want to do this show, and he said well i'll i'll do some edibles before coming yeah he told me you didn't want to do the show today i didn't i'm just so tired same yeah an hour and then i haven't packed same i'm doing laundry same okay yeah and i just asked still showed up with the show and i'm here too as well did a pod before this i'm here too yesterday. I know you did.
You called me with Meghan Trainor. Yeah, yeah.
She's the best. Oh, wow.
What? That's cool. It's okay.
It's fine. She literally is.
I love her whole family. They're the best.
Actually, her whole family is wonderful. We had dinner with them.
She had dinner with my parents. She told me.
In Australia. In Australia.
Is that your brand, Juice? Yes. That's the movie.
Juice. Oh, okay movie oh okay so let's shake it up ready hold on let me just i'm sorry i gotta walk into it you show your butthole no no not right ten thousand dollars you look like a race car driver yeah like in the best way possible you look like you race mario karts yeah good job you fucking shit.
Let's go. Let's start new.
Sorry. Let's start fresh.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. My name is Bobby.
And you know what, dude? I've been thinking about the moon. What have you been thinking about the moon? I don't want to live there.
Me neither. That would be terrible.
Yeah, dude. Too far.
But I would visit it like Armstrong did. Lance? Or Louis? Did Lance go all the way up there? The one with the nut cancer.
That's Lance. Did you buy one of those yellow bands back in the day? No.
I bought a whole bunch. What was the yellow mean? Remember he had the Livestrong bracelets? I bought a fuckload of them.
Is it because of the steroids or the cancer? Both. One led to the other, I guess.
No, but they were $2, and then $1 went to cancer research, and the other one went to the production of them. You can still buy Livestrong bracelets.
Oh, that's amazing. Why don't we have Bad Friends bracelets? And they should also go to testicular research.
Yeah, but what should the donation be? So $1 goes to the production, and $1 goes to what? Our charity of choice. We should do that.
Yeah, the charity is...

Somebody needs to fund my video game play.

Cannot be you.

It has to be a third party.

Can't be you.

Something you care about around the world

that we should go with.

What do I really care about?

Honestly, stilts for dwarves.

Stilts.

We're a big stilt family.

Because I think that they can be taller.

They can be.

Or that operation. Can I just say something? You know the operation where they sever the bones? In China, they do it.
They sever the bones when Chinese people are short. And then they can't walk for a year, but then the bone grows in.
Yeah. And they become taller.
Yeah, with a callus on it or something. They insert some bone in there.
Can we do that?

Limb lengthening surgery.

Yeah, can we do that?

We can.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can do.

Would you get your limbs lengthened?

What?

Would you get your limbs lengthened?

No, because I don't want just my legs.

I'll look weird.

So funny if you had super long legs.

Me?

Yeah, you look like a lollipop.

If you had really long legs. Well, I would do stuff to my upper body so it would match.
Like what? Sit-ups. Dad, no.
Oh, yeah, I would look like a lollipop. Yeah, you'd be lollipopped.
Or like those cake pops at Starbucks. Yes.
You know what I mean? It's colorful. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting. What would you get done? If you could get a cosmetic surgery, what would you get done? I probably would.
If I could have a body thing, it probably genuinely would be I'd get a butt injection. I'd get a bigger butt.
Whoa. I want a big trunk, dude.
I think you're right about the area, but can I say something? What? Tighten up my butthole, you think? No.

That pipe's been leaking.

I saw your butthole

on the tour bus.

Yeah.

Can I share that?

What'd you see inside of there?

Not inside.

You need rectal darkening.

I know.

I need some coloring.

It's way too pink.

Can you tattoo

the inside of your tour?

You should be able to do it

because it's like,

it was so pink,

it looked like

an octopus pussy.

I'm like, is that octopus pussy? did you see anything hanging out in there no it was because i've had a guy very clean well i've had a temporary resident in there sometimes like a mouse a hemorrhoid oh i've had a tenant i'm like what are you richard here i've had a tenant that's uh not paying rent i gotta tell you and he comes and goes as he pleases he's squatting can you see it i have the outside i I have a hemorrhoid that's not paying rent, I got to tell you. And he comes and goes as he pleases.

He's squatting.

Can you see it from the outside?

I have a hemorrhoid that's squatting right now.

Like if you showed me your butthole, would I be able to see its little eyes stick out?

Yeah.

Does it hurt?

Sometimes, yeah.

It does.

Sometimes it hurts.

But I got it probably from, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, you, this.

Bobby?

How?

Well, you know what would be cool about hemorrhoids? Stress?

That's what they're from, stress.

Oh, I thought.

Have you seen the seashells with the little slugs in it with their beautiful eyes?

Mm-hmm.

And they look so cute.

Yeah.

Right?

Why can't hemorrhoids have that?

That's true.

Sticking out your butt, little eyes sticking out, then it'd be so cute.

Yeah, yeah.

Boink, boink.

And looking around.

Yeah.

That'd be really cool.

You'd be less stressed.

Yeah, I gotta be less stressed.

I know.

No, you'd be less stressed if it was cute like that.

Yeah, like.

No, that'd be more stressed because everybody would want to see it. Dude, if that was your hemorrhoid, look at the live.
That's so cute. So cute.
And then we can go, hey, Charlie. Hey, guys.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that'd be great.
Can I do five minutes to open the show? Yeah. Charlie, you bombed last week.
We're not gonna let you do it twice. Come on, I got some good ones.
My dad had a skin tag in his taint. He had a hanger, huh hanger huh wait how did you see your dad's taint bud this is a story i guess we gotta hear here we go when i was a kid he took me to a korean spa and you know korean if you go to a korean spa they stretch they get get naked and stretch.
Yeah, they do. And they make one noise.

Oh.

No, close.

Aigu, aigu, aigu.

Aigu.

Aigu, aigu, aigu.

In a row.

Aigu, aigu.

So they stretch.

And one day I was just sitting there on like a bench.

And my dad was going, aigu, aigu.

And he bent over and there was a skin tag.

And in my head, this is how fucking crazy it was.

I heard the skin tag talk. and you know what he said help help he's trapped right and then i would have like this inner like dialogue with the skin tag like why didn't you go up in the neck where all the other skin tags are why did you grew in the wrong place no he got lost i know he got lost he got separated transfer that over to the neck you can't yeah imagine ruining a i mean removing a skin tag and then placing it somewhere else on your body from your taint to your neck i just want it here yeah yeah yeah honestly i've never seen my dad's taint i can't believe you got to see that have you seen your dad's genitals penis yeah every boy sees their dad's penis at a certain age there we go yeah.
Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My dad got out of the shower.

I was like seven.

And I was like, oh, sorry.

And I walked in.

And he goes, get over here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And I came back in.

And he goes, you like wind?

I go, wind?

Yeah.

He goes, you like mills?

I go, mills?

Yeah.

He goes, what about windmills?

And he windmilled it.

And he just windmilled it.

And honestly, it was so big, I heard...

That's hilarious.

It was nuts.

You know what my dad used to do?

What?

I don't know why, but he heard about the pink pull my finger.

But he didn't know that there was a fart.

So he'd go, pull my finger.

I pull it, nothing would happen.

What did he think that was? I don't know. I don't know.
I go, dude, it's supposed to be a fart so he'd go pull it in my finger I pull it nothing would happen what did he think that was? I don't know but he just pulled it he goes I go there's supposed to be a fart at the end of that dad by the way you want to know what fine we're actually going to catch on the road the amount of times Bobby's farted into the mic I guarantee you we're getting fucked for some of those mics I've had so many good ones they've been awesome they've been pretty impressive there was one like machine gun vietnam yeah yeah yeah you know what it is too what because your butt is angular thank you thank you it is and it does and it has the perfect slappy pappy sound exactly it does yeah it's got like little bat wings that's what i've been doing yeah yeah i have a very good butthole that is your butt that is a hundred percent oh my god that's my butt. You have Hank Hill's butt.
I have Hank Hill's butt, dude. It's amazing.
Damn it, Bobby. I got that surgically done.
You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so.
Have you seen that guy that's gotten all his surgery? He's gotten muscles, fake muscles put in his whole body. Oh, I'd love to see that guy.
He's like Russian or something. He's got, so look, 100% of all of his body has been surgically done.
Look this look at this look at this that's one of the cases that's not the main guy that but this is them injecting fake muscles into them they they're not strong these guys can't lift anything but it's all like different chemicals and waters and solutions and saline and shit it they look like popeye this guy got fake those are fake into his- Are they drawn in? No, dude, that's put into his body. That's like a physical piece.
Look at his face. Well, that's not an ab.
His face isn't an ab. Oh.
That's an abscess. That's different.
Yeah, it looks manufactured. I mean, let me ask you something.
Being the only girl, you're a girl too. You're like more of a kid though.
Hold on my god what a moment that just happened i'm a girl i never saw my dad's penis no we say guys get to see their dad's penis girls you see your reason why i said that i'm so sorry to apologize did that hurt your feelings no yeah so it did right yeah but can i tell you why I said that Because I don't view you

As a man or a woman

I view you as a comedian

Up here

Oh that's bullshit

No you know what's so funny

Couldn't agree with you more

Couldn't agree with you more

I don't treat you like

Any other comedian that opens for us

And that's my slave

That's beautiful

I know. I don't treat you like any other comedian that opens for us.
That's right. And that's my slave.
That's beautiful. I don't see you as a man either.
Okay, I can take that. You know what? I'll take that.
What do you view me as? A comedian. Okay, thank you.
And that's good. What do you view me as? Also a comedian.
Okay, good. Good, good.
I was waiting. But let me ask you.
To the lady in the room. Let me ask the two ladies in the room.
Is that sexy to you? No. No.
Fake muscle guy, no chance. But why do they do it then? It's for self.
They feel like that's going to help their image. Anyway.
Sad. It's sad.
I like my body. I like your body.
Yeah. It's blobby.
Itby it's not blobby yeah what do you think blobby bobby it's bobby it's blobby yeah yeah you're blobby you remind me of a stress ball because you know how like depending on the day let me think about it yeah no to me it hurt why it's just small first of all everybody wants because it because they're squeezable Everybody wants to touch them. No.
To me. It hurt.
Why? Stress ball?

First of all, everybody wants to. Because they're squeezable.

Everybody wants to touch them.

Yeah.

Okay.

They feel relaxed.

Tell me when I've said something that's not correct about you being a stress ball.

Metaphor stress ball.

Everybody wants to touch it.

Right?

Okay.

Let me say true.

Can I finish?

Let me just say true or false after everyone.

Fine.

So say it again.

Everybody wants to touch it.

Bing.

True.

It's soft and sweet.

Bing.

True.

It's disposable.

You can throw it away whenever you're done with it.

Bong.

False.

I was really waiting on the false sound.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are a stress ball.

Yeah.

You know what you are?

Driftwood.

Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Deadwood?

Yeah.

Just floating along the fucking river?

Misshapen.

I can't wait till a beaver uses me.

True.

Dry.

Ding.

True.

Yeah. Unfuckable.
Ding. True.
You've never seen a good piece of driftwood you wanted to stick your dick in? I fuck everyone. Are you kidding? I fuck every single one.
You ever seen a beaver's dam? I want to fuck the shit out of those things. Yeah.
Show me a good old beaver dam. I'll show you a boner right here in the studio.
When you just said that, it's interesting because if I had my personality in a beaver, I wouldn't have a dam.

Yeah.

Because you have to work really hard to make one.

Look at those two beavers.

If that's you and I, right?

That's you and I.

First of all, you're in the front.

You're sleeping.

Well, because that's a Tempur-Pedic log he's sleeping on.

I don't know if you know that, but yeah.

So I'm sleeping and then you're going,

come on, dude, we got to make the fucking...

Post about the dam!

Post about the dam!

No one's going to know it's here.

We're going to the Phoenix fucking dam in two weeks.

Post about it.

Right, so...

No, honestly, you would be the worst beaver.

You'd die.

No, do you need a dam to live as a beaver?

Why do they build them?

I think flex.

You think that's a big flex?

Yeah, it's like check out my dam. You know what I mean? But I don't need it.
Why do they build? Google that. I have no idea why.
I don't know why. Because it's not that secure, is it? Maybe they like still water.
Yeah, I like that. Maybe they like floating.
Let's try to guess. Why do beavers build a dam? I think, you know what I think it is? What? Breeding.
I think it's for breeding. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
Yeah, it's got to be. Why do beavers build dams? Beavers build dams across streams to create a pond where they can build a beaver lodge to live in.
These ponds provide protection from predators like wolves, coyotes, or mountain lions. So it's got to be for breeding too.
No, but check this out. Check it out.
I have good people skills. The wolves, they love me.
Mm-hmm. No, they do, dude.
You're going to be the one beaver. I'm a wolf.
Ready? Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey.
Char... You're dead already.
You're dead within seconds. Let's try again.
Okay. Give me another chance.
You won't get another life in real life. I don't know.
All right, ready? Hey, Rivera. Remember I gave you the mushroom last week?

And the nut.

Yeah.

I'm just going to go my way.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What?

Where are you from?

Korea.

I'm a Korean beaver.

You're a creeper.

A creeper.

On you go.

Oh, thank you.

I'd let you go.

See, there we go. I'd be friends with all the predators.
I guess I guess that's true Yeah but then you'd attract them back to the dance I wouldn't give a fuss No What she's saying is They would be like I want to hang out and go see that guy But then they would let One guy in the circle would be like I know we like hanging out with him But we should fucking eat him right But then I would have a side deal with that guy And go you can eat all my friends Oh yeah it's a fucking side which which beavers in the room are you throwing under the bus first oh fuck probably you yeah you're gone yeah you're fucking you're gone dude um the asian one you're gone yeah um and then you're last i'm not kidding i'm gone by that time because you've tipped me off i'm running away i'm gonna go guys i'm going to get more wood wink wink right fucking what i would have done is written a letter on a piece of bark. Right? Run.

Run. me off i'm running away i'm gonna guys i'm going to get more wood wink wink right fucking what i would have done is written a letter on a piece of bark right run yeah dear andrew run so i'd hand it to you well you oh no these are my fucking wolves friends yeah yeah yeah with room you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you.
You guys, you know, I just bought a car. And you know what I hate? What do you hate? In the hot summer, going to these lots.
And you get sweaty. Yeah.
Right? And you have to walk around. I'm hungry.
You're hungry, dude. I'm thirsty.
But you could do all that from the convenience of your own home, my friend. You don't have to leave.
You can just get on your phone and get a car. That's insane.
And plus, they give you a you a full week or 250 miles whichever one comes first to make sure that your new ride is right for you plus all the cars on vroom.com come with a 90-day limited warranty and one year of roadside assistance nationwide giving you peace of mind while you're zooming around the road and guess what you can trade in your old car when you buy your new one or you can even just sell your car to vroom when you sell your car on vroom get a price instantly, and they'll even come pick it up. That's how great they were.
We sold my mom's old car on there, and they gave me a price right away. Didn't have to haggle or hassle or none of that stuff.
Told us what it was. Swapped it out.
Very easy. And you don't even have to buy a car from them if you want to sell your car.
Just go ahead and do just that. You can buy a car from Vroom entirely online.
So next time you need to buy a car, just grab your phone, go to vroom.com, and check out thousands of cars. That's right.
Grab your phone, go to vroom.com, and check out thousands of cars today. That reminds me of when we used to sneak out of high school for lunch.
Like before, when we were sophomores or whatever. And we'd sneak off campus, and you couldn't do that, and we'd sneak back in.
But we would pay off or get weed or something because it wasn't always money. These hall monitor type guys, we would just give them whatever they wanted to sneak us inside doors and they would have that whole hand us stuff.
Oh, really? We can't go down certain hallways. Oh, you had connections.
You can't go down sophomore hall because they'll be out that way. Oh, so you were kind of like in your own little mafia.
Yeah, little mafia. Yeah, yeah.
It was actually a very coordinated effort. But they didn't really want us to get in trouble either.
Those guys were just, you know what I mean? Yeah. They were like, ah, fucking don't get busted by the...
I used to smoke weed. I would cup it.
In your hand? Yeah, so I would cup it like this so that it's sticking. And I'd cup it and smoke it.
And it never got caught. And I used to do meth in the math book too.
What? Yeah, in the crease. If you snort, you can snort the meth.
Out of a crease? Yeah, so I'm just reading a book. You know what I mean? Bobby, how are you liking geometry? I love it.
I love it too. I'm going to build a gaze'll build i'll build a gazebo bobby would go on to build one of the best gazebos of all time but the most humiliating was this i was such a poor student my senior year my brother was a freshman and when i went to math class he was in it it was sucked and you've and you still didn't do well in that class did you how many times did you get held back in a class? That was only math.
Yeah. But see, my brother laughed.
Yeah. He went, ah, you know what I mean? Culturally, it's tough.
It was so humiliating. Yeah.
But I was sober, so I was like, ah, fuck school. Fuck school, dude.
You don't need it. You do.
No, you don't. Please don't tell.
Why would you need it? School? Yeah. You need elementary elementary school you can learn everything from movies and television okay i'm not gonna argue with that you're right watch every movie every tv show you can learn the language you can also learn things of how to escape things i mean like in terms of like if you watch um a heist movie okay what do me k i don't like your tone right now dude okay all right or you know when you watch something heist movie.
Okay. What do you mean, Kate? I don't like your tone right now, dude.

Okay.

All right.

Or, you know, when you watch something like Braveheart.

What if you watch Die Hard?

You learn.

What are you going to learn?

You don't walk across the fucking ground when you have bare feet and there's broken glass.

That's true.

So, you know, and have I done that in my life?

Never.

Never.

I've never done that.

Give me another movie.

What if you, Jurassic Park? I never get on those little tourist rides oh so you're not you never are a tourist no i'm i go to the facility right but i don't go on those little and let's see the wilderness so you think you can learn a lesson from every movie exactly and you don't need school no okay i'll give you another movie choke a lot oh Chocolat. Oh, fuck, I didn't see it.
Yeah, it's tough, huh? Well, what's the lesson there then? It chocolat. Don't eat chocolate.
The guy dies of diabetes. Oh, he does? She takes it.
This is so fucking cruel. She takes him on a date.
And look at that. So this is a retelling story of Adam and Eve, right? You know, it's like Eve gave fucking Adam the apple.
He bites it. And of course.
Dude, if Johnny Depp. See that chocolate? If that was your penis, you'd let him suck it in that photo? Well, then, yeah.
Not now. No, not now.
Now that he's a fucking warlock. Not letting that wizard suck my dick.
He's fucking kook. But then, dude.
Oh, my God, dude. He could suck the cream right out of that thing.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at him now.

Just fucking bonkers.

He's okay there.

Yeah, but these are the best pictures they could find.

Right.

He's wearing makeup.

You know, we got into a real discussion about this today,

about the writer's strike that's happening.

Right.

And it's like, I'll tell you what.

Yes, pay the writers.

Obviously, I'm for that.

Also, you know any fucking working actors,

quote unquote, that don't have any money? I know so many of them that are working actors and they make no fucking money it's not it's look it's time for the writers to get what they're due but honestly it's really sad what happens i know people that come and do guest stars and they're guest starring a ton they're still not making enough to survive i mean if i had to seriously live off of just acting i would have a day job that's that's a do look at this Jeffrey Owens turns the tables on Trader Joe's shaming yeah remember him Jeffrey Owens he had to get a job at Trader Joe's but then what happened to him was some Fox it was a newscaster it was a Fox newscaster trying to shame him like look at this guy that used to be on what was it the Martin show what show was he on oh Cosby show Cosby yeah he was on the Cosby show and then they tried to shame him and then directors started getting him jobs I know but how awful that it took like a fucking moment for the internet in shame to have this poor man have to it's just weird to think that that's how that works out sometimes and by the way I don't know man could be a mismanagement of money who knows what was going on in his life an actor, because there's so much streaming, because there's just so much out there that you don't make that much money. And you can't even become.
How would you become super famous from acting now? I think they handpick you. We talked about this.
Yeah, Margot Robbie. I think they handpick you.
Yeah. They package you.
They they make you the thing. Margot Robbie was like born to be star.
Yeah. They wanted her to be family.
You have to be a genetic anomaly almost. You have to look special.
Yeah. You know what I saw today? I saw today.
I saw two women today walking out of this restaurant. And I was like, where did they fucking make you guys? Like they were walking together.
Pristine. Yeah, they looked fake.
They looked and they didn't have like like a lot of work done or anything but they were fucking beautiful and it's like i'm not supposed to be next to you guys they should be separate they should put them in a they should be on the moon they should be on the moon can i be on the moon with them no fucking way i will just be their friend would not pass the test you could drive the rocket ship to the moon maybe get out for a smoke break and say hi yeah just leaning against the squatting for sure like an asian squat squat hey ladies good luck um no thanks i just said good luck back to earth back to earth i'll go that's 100 oh that hurts so you would be driving and i would be like i'd be doing tickets you know i'd be the ticket taker yeah on the ship to space. What would they say to you? They'd be like, oh, what are you? No, they'd be like, oh, are you taking tickets? I go, yeah.
And they're like, you're not so bad. And then I go, thanks girls.
And then as I'd walk away, they go. Yeah.
And I'd get their bags. There we go.
How did we start a fire in this atmosphere? Yeah. When they saw you saw me you're driving I'm taking tickets you're definitely doing the bags yeah and they're like what a nice young man who's that boy that took our bags what's his name yeah he had pink glasses on yeah you know okay except the fate dude we're not going to the hot moon we're not going to hot moon I know you're thinking about it but you're not how do I get into hot moon if I was like Bezos hot moon wait can I own hot moon no fucking way why because have you seen Jeff Bezos look at him they wouldn't let him on even if he Even if he owned it, they'd be like, sorry, Jeff.
Yeah. You got to be really ugly to own the moon.
Yeah. Dude, this is a fucking movie that you're driving the spaceship for the hot people to go to space.
I'm taking tickets and she's loading bags. And we try to devise a plan on how to permanently live up there.
Yeah, like, let me bring your bags. On hot moon.
Yeah. I'll bring your bags to your room on the moon.
And I'm like, you know what? I think you need to get a new ticket. This one doesn't work.
So I'll have to follow you off into the moon and you'll have to get a new credit card. No, you know what I'd do? It would be like the hills have eyes.
And you and I would live in a cave. And they'd walk by and they'd just see four eyes blinking.
Yeah, blink, blink, blink, blink. And it's eerie.
Yeah, it could be. They'll never feel safe.
But wait, why are we doing that? I thought we wanted to hang out. I thought we wanted to hang out.
No, I'd rather affect them because I don't like their attitudes already. So we're just staring at hot people all day? Yeah, yeah, and just blinking.
And I would probably like, and maybe we'd evolve into making, getting red glowy eyes. We need red glowy eyes.

Okay, we'll get those

before we leave.

Yeah, yeah.

We can go to like,

you know,

do they sell at Hot Topic?

Okay.

I don't know.

Are they still around?

I don't know.

What's that store

that you can get red glowy eyes?

Claire's.

Spencer's?

Spencer's Gifts.

You can find that.

But they'll have little dicks

on their pupils.

100%.

Yeah.

Little tiny dicks.

I'd rather freak them out.

But I think that's the truth. We wouldn't be allowed on Hot moon hot moon isn't for us i have an idea yeah when uh you're driving the bus they're distracted on their phones taking selfies you empty everything out of their bags and then when they park you guys get in the bags and then i'll carry you guys you can't carry us i'll have a dolly yes okay and it's the gravity is easier to push.
That's true. And I would look at you and go, you know what? Fuck this place.
Let's create Ugglo Mars. So we go to Mars and make Ugglo Mars.
Ugglo Mars is where we go. And we don't let them come.
The hot moon? They wouldn't want to go. I don't care if you even have a passport.
You can't come to Uglo Moon. But wait, why would they even want to?

Because.

What do we have there that they need?

The hottest what?

We, when we're in hot, this is what happens.

When we're on fucking Uglo Mars, right?

You and I discover something more addictive than opiates.

In the earth. Oh, hell yeah.

Like a lab, right?

And then we send her to fucking. With a sample of it.
Yeah, hot moon. Oh, wow.
Right? You give it to them. It's a little dabble.
She puts it in their bags. Right, right.
They take it. They're jonesing now, right? We need to get to Uglot Mars.
You know what? Sorry, can't come. Exactly, dude.
We do the thing. Do we have a gigantic metal finger that does this? No, no, no, no, no.
yeah and then they're just shivering do we ever go to war with them fuck yeah dude yeah we do we take over hot fucking moon dude we fucking take it over dude honestly we wouldn't make it to hot moon and i'm okay with that you know like i saw dude fucking they're shooting they're finishing rust they're finishing rust they. Oh, really? They're going to finish that movie? They did.
They just wrapped. Is he still in it, Alec? He's still doing it.
He's still shooting up people. Oh, wow.
I didn't know that's what that movie was called. That's the one, Alec.
Yeah, look. They finished production.
They went back to production on it. That's gross.
But honestly... Yeah.
Why would you finish shooting the movie? Yeah, just let it be.

You gotta let that one go.

That one, call it a loss.

I think if someone dies...

It's over.

It's over.

Well, they did that with The Crow.

It's over.

Yeah, they finished it.

They finished it.

Without the star.

It's crazy.

But also,

I know it's a huge loss for the...

It's a big loss,

but that's like,

what is it?

Like, force majeure.

It's like,

there's gotta be an insurance clause that's like, somebody died. got to fucking you can't finish imagine yeah biggest movie of your career you're shooting it next year biggest of your what's it called fucking career what's it called baby ping pong ching chong it's the greatest ping pong champion am i ching chong yes oh you're the star god you're the star i thought you were gonna say Randall Park's ching chong no no you are the great ping pong ching chong yes oh you're the star you're the star i thought you were gonna say randall park's ching

chong no no you're you are pink the great ping pong ching chong you know the story of him don't you oh the the legendary story of ping pong ching chong from the folklore yes oh i know it repeat it you know it i know you love it i know you know it it's incredible and a white guy knowing it it It just puts fucking butterflies in my heart, dude.

He was born...

Born where?

He was born... I know you love it.
I know you know it. It's incredible.
And a white guy knowing it, it just puts fucking butterflies in my heart, dude.

He was born.

Born where?

He was born in Taiwan.

Yeah, exactly.

And his parents,

instead put him in a dumpster or something

that most people,

they bury him.

The last names are the slants.

Right?

Ping pong slant.

Oh, sure.

Why not?

I don't remember that.

Is it? Yeah. Okay.
And they bury him bury him alive oh because they thought it was a girl yep i see and check this because there's only one child policy that's right and so they bury him in the backyard which is disgusting and inhumane yeah so ping pong slants buried but let me tell you something about ping pong what the resiliency what he uses his resources around him he eats worms he's staying alive underground so he's asian so he's born knowing karate already right so he does that umo thurman thing right right like we're donna the evil dead sticking his hand out right but and what that's years later he grew underground that's right i remember that yeah my bad my bad so he grew to be a full-grown man right right, 20 years old. But you're missing the fucking wise earthworm.
What? There's an earthworm when he's on. Remember that wise earthworm? Oh, I love him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What does he say? He's voiced by Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy, right? Yeah. You're going to be the greatest ping pong player of all time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember him? Yes.
Yeah, yeah. And he gives him the knowledge.
The knowledge of it get out of you can get out of the situation you just have to play ping pong right so sure enough he comes to the united states and becomes the greatest champion of all time faces adversity racism hatred setbacks and he becomes the greatest you are playing ping pong ching chong next year amazing who's playing the worm eddie murphy oh but what if he can't do it uh eddie griffin Eddie Griffin definitely. But what if he can't do it?

Eddie Griffin.

Eddie Griffin.

Definitely an Eddie. And if he can't do it,

Cat Williams said he would do it.

But 30th is Eric Griffin.

This motherfucker's

gonna play ping pong.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cat Williams will do it.

I can't wait.

So listen.

Let me say something.

How did he...

How old was he

when he left the fucking earth?

He was a baby.

They put him underground to kill him.

I know, but how long

was he down there

with fucking...

You know what I mean?

20 years.

I don't know. Like he How old was he When he left The fucking earth He was a baby They put him underground I know but how long Was he down there With fucking You know what I mean 20 years He became 20 years And then he gets out And he knows how to speak The worm taught Teaches him everything Chinese Wise worm Cat Williams The wise worm Right Cat Williams I remember Yeah I remember But he speaks like Cat Williams Because that's the only Voice he's ever heard So So Ping Pong Ching Chong is like, I'm ready to fucking play ping pong, bitch.

Right.

That's what you got to do.

Yeah, right.

This motherfucker wants to play ping pong.

I'm ready to play ping pong, bitch.

Exactly.

Fuck yeah.

Do I get the role?

You got it.

Motherfucker.

So here's the deal.

2024, you're shooting in Vancouver.

That's where a lot of films are being shot.

Right.

And you're up there. And sure enough.
McCone's the cinematographer. McCone is- We'll see.
Yeah. We'll see.
We'll see. Yeah.
Back it up, dude. Oh, so now- And I swing the ping pong.
The paddle- I lose it. And it kills- It goes between an actress's mouth.
Mm-hmm. Splits her mouth like the Joker.
Mm-hmm. She dies.
Mm- dies, and then what? And then the studio goes, hey, ping pong. I'm Bobby.
I'm playing ping pong. We refer to you as your character almost always.
But it's just little racist when you call me ping pong when I'm off screen. Sliding you a check.
Oh, $40. So ping pong, back to what I was saying, ping pong? Yes.
You're willing to go 40?

Yes.

Okay.

Can you Google this?

There is a girl snowboarding away from a bear.

I saw this clip today, and I was like, holy fucking shit.

This girl is so, she has no idea.

She's strapping in.

Is this one?

Yeah, and has no idea a bear is chasing her she's like

listening to music look at this and there's a fucking bear right there and

she doesn't see it because the camera's not cameras just facing her she doesn't

see oh my god she doesn't see what's behind her yeah so look no but she has

no idea she's inches away from like a slip-up or whatever from just getting

fucking eaten alive look you think he's gone no he's right there

I'm sorry. No, but she has no idea she's inches away from like a slip up or whatever from just getting fucking eaten alive

Look you think he's gone. No, he's right there

She's just cruising along

And she has no idea no fucking I look at her face She has if she had an idea she'd panic and fall. Thank God.
She never turned around look there. He is right now

Whoa, it's like the revenant every time you think he's gone, he's right fucking there.

Right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And now she gets over the crest of that hill and she rips and she's far away.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'd be dead.

Imagine watching back that footage.

Yeah.

Piss.

Piss myself.

I can smell bear.

Sorry. Say it again.
You can smell bear. Yeah.
You think you've got that keen of a sense of smell? Oh, I know bear. I know bear.
What does it smell like? It smells like wolf, but like heftier. A heavy wolf.
You think a bear is a heavy wolf? They have similar smells. Is this one of your Chinese calendar things? No, because it's like, I'll tell you why though.
I'll be real. I can smell a bear because I know what wet dog smells like.
Well, that I know. So you know, right? That's not what a bear smells like.
Yes, it does. It's in the snow.
It's hair. Wet hair, you can smell it.
I'm like daredevil. No, I have senses, man.
Yeah, you've got the regular ones. No, I have extra smelling sense.
You think you have an extra chromosome. Yeah, dude.
I can't hear that while we're seeing, but it all went into my fucking noise. You tricked him.
Why? Do they have a down syndrome? Okay, good. Very good one.
Very good one. You don't think you can smell bear no I can't smell a fucking bear yeah but that's can you do you smell with your eyes you know you actually can smell with your eyes oh you can I can see smell I mean can you but human beings don't we have an instinctual thing when something dangers around when it's near you yeah yeah that's pretty near dude dude she was born with no fucking no no you know what she was born with what fucking ripper dude she's ripping she's like fuck that dude just gotta rip dog i think that's insane but yes when you.
But yes, when something is near you, something instinctual kicks in to think that something's near. But she might have just thought it's snowy and windy.
I don't know. Yeah.
You know, the biggest fear, I think my biggest fear is being in the wilderness, the tundra, wherever. Yeah, tundra, yeah.
Okay. And you run across a beast.
You run across. I don't know what the beast lives in tundra, but it's got fangs, dude.
What does it look like? Oh, it's got fucking Michael Shannon eyes. What? Wide apart.
Yeah. The actor, Michael Shannon.
Like Amanda Seyfried. Yeah, right.
Yeah. Two saber teeth.
But not coming out of the mouth, though. Where is it coming out of? Cheek.
What? Yeah. But it's got more coming out of the mouth.
What? Yeah, so he's just like melting teeth. Melting teeth.
Right. Michael Shannonized, right? Shannonized melty tooth.
Yeah, yeah. The body of Ralphie Mae.
So slow. Yeah, but the legs of Usain Bolt.
What? Yeah, yeah. She's saying like a 600-pound Hussein Bolt? Yes.
And he can run that fast? Right. Michael Shannonized, remember.
Shannonized and high teeth. And you're there, right? And you know there's nothing you can do.
Imagine that fear. Nothing.
What do you start doing? What? What do you start doing? I would probably smear poo on my face. If it's charging towards you, you smear poo on yourself? Well, I would shit automatically because that's your organic.
That's instinct. Immediately.
On my face. And I would just fall to the ground.
Man gets canceled for doing blackface while getting mauled by. No, I'm not doing poo face.
Right? I would pretend I was poo. What do you think? What do you think? Imagine if they find you but they cancel you because they're like, hey man.
Bobby was doing blackface. Bobby was doing blackface while getting attacked in the Wittondra.
Well, the Michael Shannon creature was nearby. No.
No, no, still did. You didn't need to do blackface.
That's so offensive. Disgusting.
But wouldn't you be fair? Don't you have a fear of an animal like... Curl up in a ball.
You would curl up in a... Curl up in a ball and let it play with you.
No, I think you take sticks and you make it loud. Like, you know those airport guys with the runway guys? What do you want, like a float at the gay pride parade? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why, MC? And then just fuck. No, but you would scream, why? You know what I mean? You would really scream and scare, oh my God, there's a fucking loud gay agent.
You're supposed to get big. You're supposed to get big.
Yeah, go big. Is that true? I thought that was a myth.
No, they say get big. Yeah.
I I thought you weren't smart Here's the deal if a bear is charging towards you You're fucked You're not going to get big You're not going to get small You're not doing fucking shit Like when we sign with sharks in Hawaii You take an hour class And the one I did remember I don't remember the rest of of them splashing you can't splash you're not supposed to splash right you have to swim above them right but the third one never lock eyes look away you look away you look away yeah like you you blush almost that's why autistic kids are so good with sharks You're right

There's never been an autistic kid attacked by a shark. Like with Rain Man.
He didn't even have a bit of that. Was in the ocean.
Never get that. Gotta go to Kmart.
Gotta have sharks. Shark fin soup.
Fins are soup. Super fin.
That's a really good joke. like it imagine yeah imagine imagine though

honestly

even though I knew

that

we went and swam with

manta rays

or

yeah manta ray

manta ray right

manta ray in Hawaii

and even though I know

that they're like

these things aren't gonna hurt you

there's nothing about it

but still

you get near them

and you're like

yeah

what if it fucking turns on me

what if it's not a manta ray

what if it's a Michael Shannon

they kind of look alike

yeah yeah

wait was it a manta

stingray

I don't know, whatever. The sting ray, see, that's what fucks me up because he killed the master, Steve Irwin.
Are manta rays, can they kill you? No, maybe it was a manta ray, right? I don't know. Are they deadly? They look like bats in the ocean, dude.
Look at that. But do they want to hurt the human? I don't remember what we swam with.
Manta rays are quiet, peaceful. Right, they're manta ray.
That's who we swam with, manta ray. They didn't want to- But what stingrays will look up that? Well, yeah, stingrays don't like you.
Stingrays don't like you. Why? Because they're, you know why? Yeah.
Because they're on Ugo Mars. All right.
Look at those fucking things. Look at the fourth picture.
Go to the, click on the fourth. Look at that fucking ugly bitch.
Holy shit, dude. Now look at what a manta ray looks like.
Go to manta ray and look at what those fucking things look at the fourth picture go to the click on the fourth look at that fucking ugly bitch holy shit dude now look at what a manta ray looks like go to manta ray and look at what those fucking guys stingrays are just ugly manta rays beautiful yeah they're on the moon yeah he looks like a fucking he looks like the bat uh the bat i just realized stingrays are the fucking asian fish of the ocean you know know why? Flat faces. Wow.
Wow, dude. Wow, dude.
Wow. Does that offend you? No.
Okay. So the lesson that we learned today was that we are all going to go to Ugo Mars, but beware, Hot Moon.
Yeah. We're fucking coming for you, buddy.
It's a war. It's a war.
a war so pack up right get ready hunker down because i don't think hot hot moon folks are going to be able to handle ago mars what's your plan of attack jesse go shotgun what the fuck yeah i didn't say weapon i just mean jesus christ you're gonna shoot a shotgun into space god God damn it. It would be gnarly.
Yeah.

It would be gnarly.

From Mars?

Yeah.

I just traveled through.

This is her plan of attack.

She's.

And then you're like, what now?

And you're like, we got to wait like a year and a half.

And then it might get there.

Yeah.

We're planning our attack and just fucking take heed.

We're coming for you, baby.

Yeah.

And what will we say when we get there?