Bobby Lama

Hey, Bad Friends! Hey, Bad Friends! This week we're going to be in... Spokane.
Spokane. Seattle.
Portland. Phoenix.
Arizona. Come out and see us, you guys.
Those are the dates that we're doing until we take a little baby break, come back, and then we'll be back out on the road doing Florida and the rest of the dates. So for now, go see us at Spokane, Seattle, Portland, and Phoenix, Arizona.
Come see you, hi, because we love giving you hugs and kisses. We love giving you hugs and kisses.
Great shows. BadFriendsPod..com.
Badfriendspod.com for those tickets. We love you.
Come see us. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I mean, there's certain sensitivities that you have. That's very unusual.
Hey, Pot. I'm Kettle.
I'm the kettle. Good to meet you, pot.
I'm the pot. No, I'm pot.
I don't even know what that means. The pot calling the kettle black? There it is.
Yeah, I don't even know what that meant. When I said, hey, pot, I'm Kettle, saying this is the pot calling the kettle black.
But not all pots are black. Sure they are.
No, my pot's silver. Stainless steel at home.
Hey. Doesn't make any sense.
Pots are all black pot lives matter. Okay? I understand that.
That's right. That I understand.
We're back in the studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're back in the studio. We're back in the studio.
Welcome back. We were taking a little baby break from tour.
We just came home. We just came home for baby break.
To kiss everybody. And you know who we want to kiss the most on the mouth ladies and gentlemen it is the return of fancy b fancy b we haven't seen you so long yeah have you been missing me have we been missing you well some of the fans have missed you a little bit we had a shout out we missed you have we missed you that's a very good question we um no no no yeah no

have you missed

have you missed have you missed

fancy when i saw him today i realized how much i missed him oh it's like one of those yeah yeah

you don't know what you got till it's gone it's like when you watch a movie they haven't seen a

long time ago you know i should have seen this movie sooner but you know when you watch that

movie and you go it's okay that i didn't see it that too yeah it's fine yeah it doesn't mean anything when you watch it.

Yeah.

You know, it's like,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

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if you,

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if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you,

if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, when you watch that movie and you go, it's okay that I didn't see it. That too.
Yeah. It's fine.
Yeah. It doesn't mean anything when you rewatch it.
Yeah. But it's so good.
It's like imagine when you're like, you know what? I haven't seen. I haven't rewatched The Godfather in years.
I haven't either. And you rewatch it and you go, that's okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's okay. It's good.
It's good. It's fine.
So good. Yeah.
It's good. No, no.
Fantasy is more like The Matrix. No way.
Why? Yeah. Because you're like, wow, I forgot how good this is.
No. No, no.
The only reason you're saying that is because you were watching the Matrix on DVD on the bus. Yeah, on the bus.
Yeah, it's really good. By the way, God, we have so much to talk about.
So much. It's unbelievable.
What do we do? Yeah, we have so much. Well, first I got a haircut.
Show them. Take off the hat.
Can you show everybody at home? It's so good for those listening.

Look at that.

You got to see it.

Look at that.

Turn to the side so they can see the back a little bit.

I want to change my name to Ricky.

Ricky 2.

Ricky 2.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ricky 2.

But also, I just talk like this.

How are you doing?

Is that your Ricky 2 voice?

Yeah, how are you doing?

What are you doing?

That's the old days. You kind of do look like the old days a little bit.

Yeah, you went back in time.

Oh, my God.

Look at how old. Look at how young.
No, look at the fucking fourth one. No, on second row down.
That one. Yeah, he's so young.
Wow. Look at that.
Young. Young and not that funny.
You look young now. Yeah.
Oh, thanks, man. You look young and healthy right now.
It's almost as if the stress of the tour hasn't gotten to you at all. But the tour wasn't stressful.
It hasn't been. No, the tour was a good reprieve.
It's been a reprieve. From the stress.
I think that's the wrong word, reprieve, but I do like it. Reprieve is not a good word? I don't think so.
I don't think it's the word. What's reprieve mean? Reprieve.
A reprieve is like, yeah, it's like to postpone, to cancel the punishment of someone from someone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Postpone.

Because my LA life is, you know what I mean?

What is it?

It's a horror fest.

Yeah.

So when I go on, it's a reprieve.

Oh, okay.

Well, then you said it right.

Yeah.

The tour has been amazing.

We've been living on a bus.

Juicy has been sleeping in one of the coffins.

Bobby's been sleeping in the coffins.

It's been really...

Andrew gets the fancy room

in the back.

You better believe it.

Yeah, yeah,

because I guess he's the guy.

He's the guy.

Yeah, he's the main man.

He's the guy.

Well, when the bus pulls up,

all the fans outside go,

Sandy, no.

Sandy, no.

And they shake

the physical bus.

It's insane.

Yeah, they go,

they go, hey, Bobby,

where's Andrew?

Where's Andrew? You've really heard that? Really? Yeah. Yeah, they go, hey, Bobby, where's Andrew? Where's Andrew?

You've really heard that?

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've never heard that.

I never heard that chance.

Oh, you're sleeping.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, we did have a guy.

Shout out to our friend in Charlotte.

We said it was Charlotte, not Durham.

Was it Charlotte?

Papi Chulo?

Oh, no.

Papi Chulo, I think, was in Durham.

Durham.

No, it was in Durham before we got to Charlotte.

Oh, that's Papi Chulo?

There was a guy up on the balcony.

This is just to inflate Fancy B's huge Spanish head.

There was a guy who said, where's Fancy B, yo?

And we said, dude, he had a baby.

He's not on the tour.

And I said, what's your name?

He goes, Papi Chulo.

In Durham, North Carolina.

And I was like, what do you do?

And he's like, I'm a DJ.

He's the only Latin DJ in North Carolina.

Right.

Yeah, we-

Hireable.

We met a lot of you guys, and thank you guys so much for coming out. It was really interesting to see the variety of people.
Tons of different kinds of folks. I mean, you got the little ones.
Little, little, little ones. You got the big ones.
You know what I mean? We got the big ones. You got the jigglies.
What's a jiggly Jew? A Jew? What? I said the jiggly Jews. Yeah.
You know, we got skinnies. A lot of skinnies I mean we got the big you got the jigglies what's a jiggly jew a jew what I said the jiggly jews oh yeah you know we got skinnies a lot of skinnies so we got the variety of them we have different sects from different walks of life we have different races classes socio-economic statuses heights weights sexualities sexualities yeah two blind guys that came together yeah a deaf guy with spinal bifida in his spine he He was the best.
Marcuse? Marcuse, yeah. Shout out to Marcuse.
Is that where spinal bifida is in the spine or somewhere else? I think it happens back there. Spinal bifida.
It's in the spine. It's in the spine.
It's in the fucking word. How mean would it be if it happened somewhere else? Spinal bifida.
Yeah, if you had it on your shoulder that'd be weird. It's my rotator cuff.
Is it the spine? Spina bifida. It's spina, not spinal.
Oh, not spinal. It's a birth defect in which an area of the spinal column doesn't form properly.
So why wouldn't they call it spinal bifida? Yeah, they should. You're right in this.
I know I am. Leaving a section of the spinal cord and spinal nerves exposed through an opening in the back.
Spina bifida occurs in one in every 2,000 live births in the United States. Most common central nervous system birth defect.
One in 2,000. That doesn't seem...
We could have got it. All of us could have.
We could have fucking got it. Oh my God, one in 2,000? Yeah, pretty common.
What else is Down syndrome? What's Down syndrome? One in what? What's the commonality of Down syndrome? I just want to know the percentage. What do you think that...
Well, before he types to enter, what do you think it is? Down syndrome is one in what? I say one in 60,000. I say one in 150.
I was going to say one in four. Okay.
Each year, one in every 700 babies. Wow.
Wow. One in 700.
We could have had it. Each year, 6,000 babies born in the United States have down syndrome.
This means a down syndrome occurs one in every 700 babies. Wow.
Does that seem, the odds? It seems more, I thought it'd be, I don't know maybe yeah. Because you know when you they don't all make it.
Whoa. How negative Nancy.
Wait what? You're a wet blanket. What do you mean they're going to make it? It's a comedy show.
This is a comedy show. I'm saying make it to full term.
Okay. How do you know this? Well he just had a baby.
You're right. Do you do all the genetic testing on your baby to find out the health? Yeah.
Ten fingers, ten toes type of thing? Mm-hmm. And then, so when you find out all this stuff, do they tell you any negatives whatsoever before the baby was born? Yeah.
Is there something wrong with the baby at all? No. That's why she's here.
No, but I mean, is there anything that she has that they're like, well, this is a thing, but who knows? No? No. Other than being your child.
Right. But could they be wrong? Like like they do the genetic testing and then it comes out and then there's a bunch of that's some oops going on i don't that i don't know maybe can you i'd be so mad do you think his kid's gonna be good looking when she's older like do you think what are the odds of his baby being good looking she's gonna be like i know what she's gonna look like um a literary agent a lit agent a lit agent oh my god what's that going to look like.
A literary agent. A lit agent.
A lit agent. Oh, my God.
What's that? Like a librarian. Like a librarian.
It's a nice way to sing librarian. Yeah.
A lit agent. Don't get angry, dude.
Oh, you think she's going to be Kate Moss? There's no way, man. You think she's going to be Kate Moss? There's no way, man.
Bobby could have used a more current reference, but Kate Moss. Yeah, I don't know.
Everyone listening right now doesn't know who that is. That's what your kids are looking for.
That's your daughter, dude. There she is.
Hi. What's your kid's name? The librarian.
Perfect. Perfect.
Yeah. Hi, welcome to Bakersfield Library.
I'm the librarian. Hi.
Is Andres your daughter? Yes, Fancy is my father. Wow.
Well, you know, I'm Bobby. Are you looking to check out a book or you can leave? No, it was his father.
Like, we worked together. Oh, what did you do with my father? He ran the boards.
He was very boring. Yeah.
I will tell you something. Dude, who doesn't know who Kate Moss is? Look how old she is still.
I think young people don't know who Kate Moss is. Well, give me a modern day supermodel.
Brady's wife, Tom Brady's wife, ex-wife. Yeah, but you don't even know a name.
Kate Moss is the easiest thing to say. I don't know the name right now because my brain is scrambled eggs, but what is her name? What's Tom Brady's ex-wife? Giselle Bunchen.
Oh, Giselle Bunchen. Well, I hope she's hot with a name like that.
So, Jess, how have you been liking the tour? It's been amazing. feel like On the bus It feels like a sleepover every night With two of the funniest people working today Who? Carlos and McCone? No Carlos is on my last nerve So you're done with Carlos We still have to keep doing it with him I've heard something from Carlos What something from Carlos.
What did you hear? What did he say? He said that Bobby kind of like yelled at him a couple times.

Oh, I snapped.

He's getting yelled at.

Yeah, I snapped a couple times.

He's getting yelled at.

That's his job.

I hit him in the head.

You fucked?

One morning.

Violent with him?

One time.

Oh, when he was in the way, I heard the story.

You were trying to go to the bathroom.

Bobby comes out every day in his underwear, just his underwear.

Yeah.

And by the way, looking real fit these days. Looking skinny because we're only eating once a day.
And Carlos was in the walkway. Now, the walkway on the bus, for people that don't know, have never been on this, it's extremely small.
It's maybe like a foot and a half wall to wall. It's not big.
So you have to skinny through. And Carlos was standing there, being a Carlos, staring at the microwave, which is weird.
I don't know if he does that every day, but he was staring right at the microwave, and Bobby couldn't get through. He said, excuse me, and he didn't move.
Excuse me, and he didn't move. And I whacked him.
And he whacked him. I whacked him once.
He smoked him. Yeah.
He hit him pretty hard, and Juicy was busy staring off into space because that's what she does most of the day and so nobody saw the

crime i did not i didn't even know about this well carlos has the only bunk that's on a second level too which i think is hilarious yeah we also we all get into our beds pretty easy he has to like climb up there's there's no ladder steps it's like a bunk bed without any stairs does he let down his hair on the side the rapunzel rapunzel you does he ever do you ever climb up his hair I see it hanging down, but I'm not touching it.

And he's improved, though.

I mean, before, like, in the beginning, he was lazy. Yeah.
I mean, real lazy. No, but he's helping us out a lot.
But now he's killing it. I love him.
He has a real 180. Because remember in the beginning, he would get drunk.
Every day. And then he would say crazy things.
Every day. Yeah, like, he He would scream out crazy things.
I'm going to get to say what he says. He would scream out real crazy things.
Crazy things. I feel like you were kind of like, say it.
Yeah. I would say it again.
See that crazy cancelable thing again. Right? And he would say it.
And then we'd all be like, why did you say that? Why would you say that? And then we caught Carlos on his birthday night. We celebrated his birthday on the tour.
Nashville? In Nash, Vegas. And I got to tell you, he got so tanked, he was crawling on the floor of the bus.
I thought that was funny. Yeah.
It was. Almost got him fired.
Yeah. Almost got him fired.
You kicked him a little bit. I kicked him as hard as I could.
Did you say something in the alleyway with a woman? He was kissing some girl in an alley. In an alleyway.
Without any exaggeration. Yeah.
Against a dumpster. Against a trash can.
Was pushing. Not pushing, but the girl was leaning against trash and he was kissing her.
Yeah. So what does that say about him? Yeah.
She was pretty though. She was out of his league.
I don't know. Raya? I think Raya did.

I think it was Raya.

Yeah, he had to be.

Yeah.

But he's been a good little boy

helping us so much.

It's been wonderful.

We can talk about

your episode a little bit.

You want to talk about my episode?

I mean, your little episode.

Let's talk about it.

What people don't realize

is that Andrew,

you know,

you see him,

a movie star,

TV star, handsome, golfs, great stand-up, you know, you see him, a movie star, TV star,

handsome,

golfs,

great stand-up,

cheeseburger,

Netflix,

watch it,

you know.

Yeah.

He's got dynamic.

Dave.

Confident.

Dave,

great mentor.

But there are

Royal Crackers,

also on Adult Swim

and on HBO

the next day.

Yeah.

And then,

there's a side of him

that people don't know

is he gets depressed. Very.
Yeah, and he gets super sad. Yeah.
And he there's a side of him that people don't know is he gets depressed.

Very.

Yeah.

And he gets super sad.

Yeah.

And he wants to see mom.

Andrew has clinical depression and anxiety.

Yeah.

So he's been diagnosed.

He's got a tough brain.

Sometimes he gets a little low.

Yeah.

So one morning he wakes up.

Him and Stacy, the tour manager, wake up around 8, 830.

730 every day.

Yeah. Me, Carlos, and McCone wake up at 2 yeah that's right yeah every day that's right I'm a wild card yeah you're sometimes in the morning well I got up a couple times in the early yeah because I didn't sleep yeah yeah but my point is so one morning we're gonna go to Dollywood Dollywood which is in Pigeon Forge Tennessee Pigeon Forge South of Knox Dollywood When you go to Dollywood you scream it Let's fucking do it There you are on Thunderhead Zoom in Bobby got the fast pass This could have been the best day of our tour I'm so happy happy.
Stoked. But do you know why I have this face?

Because of what Andrew pulled. This is after what Andrew pulled.
That's right. All right.
So. That's us at the beginning.
That's us in the beginning. Now zoom into my eyes.
You can see something's going on. Something's going on.
From the get go. He's tired.
He's about to snap. He's sad and tired.
Right. So we get there and, you know, me, McCone and Carlos are like, we got to eat.
So we sit down in a restaurant

And

Andrew just kind of

And Stacey look at us and go, why don't we just not sit down and just grab something so we can just walk around, get the day started? That's right. And I go, no, man, we're eating at this restaurant.
Say the rest. And then I go, you go do what you do.
You go do your own thing. while verbatim let me say my part let me say my piece and you can finish I'll let you finish the story you go do your own thing and we'll do our thing time out just say that that's verbatim exactly what I said but let's read between saying no no no i knew it was bad when you said it i wish we had a time machine at that moment go ahead keep going juice i like it it was earth shattering you go do your own thing and we'll do our thing and then the look in your eyes was like a switch and i was like i hope i see him again by the way we gotta get your better switch switch sounds let's hear it again that's pretty

that's not what they sound like that's not what it's more like yeah a switch i flip she he flipped a switch all right so anyway um so i said why don't you go do your own thing for what i meant was while we're eating go do your own thing i'm sure a lot of people after we're done eating we willgroup. You didn't say that though.
But that's what I meant. See, this is the problem though.
When you say something, people are going to take it as you say it. So for you to go, but I was thinking it a different way.
But that's not how you said it. It's like Hitler.
No. Hitler.
Why? Well, Hitler. I know who he is.
Totally miscommunicated. Yeah.
Yeah.

He was like, let's go get these Jews.

He was trying to gather them together to try to form like a crew with the Jews.

All these other guys, they heard, let's go get these Jews.

So he may have meant something else.

Poor Hitler.

It's when Gandalf, this is basically what Gandalf was like, I'm going to go to Gondor,

but I'll meet back with you.

That's what I meant.

Gondor, Gandalf met back with the crew later.

I've never seen Harry Potter.

It's not Harry Potter.

Lord of the Rings, man.

Okay, so it's basically, I'm saying, you go on your little brief adventure, we'll do ours,

and we will meet, and then we will be the fellowship once again.

So what did Andrew do?

You left the whole fucking park. Well, for the listeners, I was having an episode.
So I was very depressed. We all have depression.
By the way, nothing wrong with being depressed. If you have depression, this is okay.
You have to deal with moments. I had an episode.
Bobby said something. It triggered me.
And instead of doing something rude or mean, I didn't overreact. I didn't yell.
I didn't fight. I did what my training is, which is I walked away.

Instead of starting a fight or being rude, I walked away.

But think about this.

Hold on.

Let me finish.

I walked away politely.

I didn't say a word.

I just walked away.

Then may I.

Can I finish?

I walked away, right?

Yeah.

And so what I did was I called some other people in my life that I wanted to talk to.

And I said, I'm going to go ride a few rides by myself so I rode the wild eagle by myself thunderhead by myself why do you get pictures I wish you got pictures I should have gotten solo photos no but I rode with people next to me there was other singles it was kind of nice and you get to go to the front when you ride single by the way pro tip just go single then you go to the front so I rode on a couple of rides I walked around had a few phone calls of people i wanted to talk to and then i said i think i'm good and i got an uber and then i and i went home so i did my little thing and i and i went home okay actually that's not true i took an uber back to to the to base camp back to the bus and i said i can either go work out in the gym or i can go get shit-faced at margaritaville And so I went to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville and I was wasted away again in Margaritaville. Bum, bum.
Looking for my last hit to the salt. Yeah.
And I texted you 15 times that day. Yeah.
Not a return. That's right.
Side note too. While he was taking the Uber, he told the Uber drivers, right? What's the nearest airport? Well, here's what really is.
Stop. Let me finish.
Let me finish. Okay.
He tells the Uber driver, where's the nearest airport? We're like, oh man, I don't know, 45 minutes or whatever. 45 minutes away.
Right. So they drop him off.
Hours later, we get the same Uber driver. Because there's only one in Pigeon Fort Worth.
There's only one. And the boyfriend and girlfriend ride together.
I thought the guy, when she pulled up in an SUV, there was a guy in the front seat rolled down the window, and he says, what's up, man? And I go, oh, is it for Andrew? Yeah. And I go, are you getting out here? Thinking she's dropping off a ride.
He goes, no, man, it's my baby girl. I got to stay with her, make sure she's safe.
Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay.
So I got in and then they just sat silently. So I Googled, where's the airport? Because I thought I'm close enough to Chicago.
I could go see mom and dad. I haven't seen my parents in a minute.
So I said, how close? There was no flight, so I couldn't do it. But when they picked us up, they go, hey, man, your buddy, ask where the airport is.
In my head, I'm like,'m like oh fuck he's leaving the tour

Right, so it's like why don't you keep your inside thoughts to yourself?

No, I wanted to know I said is the airport far from here so that they said your friend we picked up your friend earlier and I said he was our friend

Yeah, I was pretty mad at you. I felt abandoned

I felt abandoned too and then and they got worse for me that night because he wouldn't talk. Then we went to Alamo.
Yeah, that was crazy. And we walked into that restaurant.
There's a restaurant in Pigeon Fork. Steakhouse.
At Pigeon Fork, the steakhouse, Alamo steakhouse. Alamo steakhouse.
And the fucking host, who's like an older lady, looks up at And she goes Harold White lady But not in a funny way To get a response from me I forgot I need to Venmo her That was really nice Yeah And then me and McCone Looked at each other Because I thought At first I you know, sometimes I feel like white people just in my imagination are being racist.

Right.

But they're really not.

No, but we really are.

I know.

Yeah.

But I looked at, I know.

But I looked at McCone and he gave me a look like, sort of like a little nod.

Like that just happened.

No, you know what the nod was?

The nod was like, you know, when a security guy tells the guy at the death penalty to pull the switch. Yeah, hit it.
It's that nod. Go on.
It was like one of when the the the a security guy tells the guy that at the death penalty to pull the switch yeah hit it it's that nod go it was like one of those nods so he gave me a nod to go ape shit right but i didn't you did not we ate right and then a couple of people recognized me from the restaurant and then the lady seemed to feel i kept looking at her i think the news Bobby her like this but it was the most bold racial thing I've experienced in years but the reason she has to do that is because there is no funny way to say goodbye what do you mean well her role is funny but if she tried to be like goodbye it wouldn't work it yeah it's not like Aloha it's not the same right

yeah you're right

but by the way

for everyone out there

that does want to make

a racist sentiment

towards somebody like Bobby

when you say herro

and he leaves

say herro again

when he takes off

just let it land twice

or she could do a bow

and go bye bye

adios

adios

or something right

but it was like blatantly

but you know what

the food was okay

and then I didn't see you

until the next day

the next morning

because we

so I went out to Margaritaville

and got tanked and met up with some people next to me and just talked. Had a nice afternoon and watched the basketball game, which is what I wanted to do.
I wanted to watch NBA playoffs. And Stacey came.
Stacey said, can I come and have a drink with you? Because she wanted to say hi. I said, yeah, of course.
She said, can anybody else come? And I said, absolutely not. And you know who was asking? Yeah.
You were. I was.
She was. I really wanted to go.
And I said, no, thank you. I don't want to see anybody today.
I needed a day. Cramping up on a bus, by the way, for people that don't know, it's anxiety inducing.
You're on a bus all day, all night with people, and it's constant. So two weeks straight, it's all you're seeing is the same people.
So was just like a breaking point and also you know i was a little like i had some stuff in my mind and i was heavy with some shit so i just wanted to take a break and i got drunk and then stacy and i went and we played um we went to an arcade and it was closed and they let us play for like two hours And we were throwing the things at the clowns.

And we played Jurassic Park with all the guns.

We had so much fun.

And we drove Cruisin' USA or whatever, whatever the new one is.

So we partied.

Then I got back to the bus, slept like a baby.

The next morning, we said hello very calmly.

I didn't even know you were mad at me.

I wasn't mad.

I didn't even know why you behaved the way you did. But this is a correction.
We're talking about live on air. I wasn't mad, but I needed to take some space, so I did.
Okay, but I... But that was okay.
That's fine. And then how do we rectify it? For people that want to know the truth about why Bob and I are very, very, very, very best friends.
Truly. On stage that night, we didn't talk about it all day.

We didn't.

We just went about our day.

And then on stage, somebody asked something in the Q&A.

Somebody said something to the effect of,

who's a better stand-up or who's funnier or who's a whatever?

And they were inciting Bobby to say something funny and take a shot at me.

But instead, Bobby says,

why would I say that about Andrew?

He's my best friend. I love him.
And I gave him a big hug and a kiss and we both knew it's all good. Harold.
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That's babbel.com slash badfriends for up to 55% off your subscription. you go to babble.com slash badfriends that's babble.com slash badfriends for up to 55% off your subscription babble language for life the shows blend together like I don't know what we hit so many cities we hit a lot that you don't remember them you know I thought Nashville was a great one we played the Ryman at the Grand Ole Opry it was awesome unbelievable that was cool everyone came out we made up a song about Kid Rock that night.
We shouted out Kid Rock. Yeah.
We also you know there were some we had some really really good nights. Some really fun.
You guys missed you guys didn't go to Graceland which is insane to me. I went.
I was there the whole time. They they they they did.
I slept. I can't believe you didn't want to see Elvis's crib dude.
You saw they showed you the toilet that he died on and there's a there is a guy on there who reenacts it. Did he really die on a toilet? You press a button and a guy, kind of like a dunk tank, you know, at the clown.
You press a button and he has a peanut butter and banana sandwich and he keels over. And he falls in the exact way that Elvis felt.
But was he on drugs? I mean, I don't know exactly how he died. Yeah.
Yeah. He was on drugs.
He had like 850 pounds of shit inside of him or something like that oh that'll do it no look it up though he had like tons and tons of red meat like jammed and jarred in his body or something weird like that they they when they presented on tour we had a private tour this young girl gave us a private tour which is awesome yeah but they paint it in such a different picture they're like well elvis took a sleeping pail no He needed those pills. He needed it, because he was just, he was going and going and going and going.
For the people. He was spending his whole life for the people.
He was found unresponsive. Grayson, his then-fiancé, Ginger Aiden, found Presley lying unconscious on the floor of the master suite bathroom.
He was rushed to the hospital to pronounce that. Yeah, they don't paint it that way.
They actually painted that he was. One pill.
They gave him the pills because he was serving our country. Because was serving the country the great nation wow so they say the way they say it is what happened was is he was taking pills to go to sleep but he was also taking pills to stay awake right and so he was taking all those pills uh toxicology report uh elvis's blood was found to have extremely high levels of opiates dilaudid perc percadene, dermarol, codeine, and quaaludes.
Yeah, this wasn't in the tour. Guy was a fucking walking pharmacy.
Holy shit. By the way, they have a pharmacy where the barn is now.
I mean, when you have money and you're on drugs, it sucks. Well, I mean, it's convenient.
No, because I remember when I was on Bad TV and I relapsed, and we made $4,000 a week on that show, which is, for a broke comedian, amazing. It's phenomenal money for regular people.
That's great money. Yeah, for regular people.
But I remember six months in, I asked Ari Shafir for money. You did? Yeah, because I had no money.
Because I used it all on drugs. Wow.
Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you have to, like, you know, somebody told me in Mulaney's New Special, he had said that he told his business manager, don't give me, don't let me withdraw cash from the account. Uh-huh.
And he said, which is a terrible idea for a drug addict, because then you're going to find a different way to get money. Yeah.
Because he's like, this will cut off my access. But of course, he would buy a Rolex on a credit card for like 12 grand and then sell it for like six at a pawn shop.
Wow. So just lose six grand just so he could have six grand cash or whatever.
Wow. To go spend on it.
It's insane. Yeah, you do stuff like that.
Well, that's what, but Elvis didn't need to. Yeah, he didn't need to do that.
No, he just went, go get me some more Deloitte. Right, right.
Go get me some more Percocets, baby. It'd be probably easier to get back then.
A hunk, a hunk of Deloitte love. Anyway, shout anyway shout out to the king but honestly we took the tour and it it was it was so sad because the house was cool at the beginning yeah the way it was decorated was cool it was cool then you go through it and then you start to realize this is so weird and sad it's someone's house it's a dead guy's house and they kept everything dude it's exactly the way it was the photos yeah they showed me the photos and it looked great yeah like each room was like stylistic beautiful beautiful yeah yeah but unfortunately at the very end they show you like his last place he played i guess he couldn't go to bed because he was juiced up out of his mind when he got home from a dentist appointment he went and got a dentist appointment at 10 30 at night because that's the only time he would go so people wouldn't bug him.

So he goes to a dentist appointment. He comes home.
There's

one photo that's on the internet that was taken

by a fan, his last remaining photo.

And he's driving through his gates at Graceland. He's like waving

them. They must have been there at 2 in the morning.

He goes. He can't sleep.

He calls one of his buddies.

Says, come play racquetball.

He's a racquetball court.

In the back of his house. By the way, the racquetball court cost him 200 grand.
The house only cost him like 140 grand. He paid more for the racquetball court.
That's it right there. That's the last remaining photo right there.
He's the last photo of Elvis. No, no, the second one.
Sorry, the second one right there. That number two that you see right there.
That's his last photo. The last photo of him alive.
So he was pulling into the gates. He goes and plays racquetball with his buddy, sits down, plays piano.
They have the piano. The last thing he played.
And they play it through the speakers when you walk through the racquetball court. And he plays that.
Says goodbye to his friend. Goes into the house.
Takes a shit. Takes a shit.
I think the dentist did it. See, this is good.
It was the dentist in the shitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With a... maybe he should have been in la if he maybe it would have lived how well where's my yoga mat downward dog downward downward dog weak grass weak grass right and you know i mean i think it would be more new agey because somebody get me a ginger shot don't you think that he would live maybe you think if if he lived in a healthier, you know what? I'm not going to lie.
Because we've been out there. You're out there.
Yeah, we walk. You're in the woods.
You're in the woods. Not only that, you're very correct.
The food? It's a fried Twinkie. They told you what he, they showed us his kitchen.
He was the first person in, in the country, right?

No, no, no.

The first person in the state of Tennessee to have a microwave at the time.

And then what did the microwave cost?

It was like five grand.

It was something hilarious. It was insane.

Dude, it was hilarious.

And it was the size of this desk.

It was huge.

And so then they said his favorite meals were all deep fried.

He never not ate deep fried shit. Yeah.
That's the problem. I know you're right.
I'm agreeing with you. With Dilaudid.
With Dilaudid. With Dilaudid.
Here's how you knew the diets were bad. Juicy and I tried to look up somewhere to go get a snack.
And so there was a health food place up the street. Yeah.
But every meal was served with ranch. Every meal.
Yeah. Even the smoothies.
Smoothie had ranch on it. Yeah.
They give you a little ranch shot, a little sidecar ranch when you get a smoothie so you could tell it was really bad and also Graceland the neighborhood yikes yeah I remember the guy at the sound stage was like Lenny he was like oh you guys are thinking about leaving the park y'all gonna leave Graceland and we were like we're just gonna take a walk up the street and he Really? And we're like, it's a, it's a half a mile up the road. It's just by the CVS.
It's like a, he goes, well, I guess it is daytime. No, really? Verbatim.
I was scared. Yeah.
I thought someone was scared. She held onto my shirt the whole time.
Yeah. And I was like, you don't have to hold on my shirt.
We're walking right next to each other. Yeah.
It was cute. It was scary.
Also, what was it? It was a pigeon fork when we went to the Trump store. Pigeon Forge.
Pige the rest i agree with you i think it should be called yeah i'm gonna call it pigeon so a pigeon fork had a trump store that was probably like 5 000 square feet of all trump gear it was closed so we went to a t-shirt shop that had trump stuff too remember that's why i thought it was the trump store because they had so much trump stuff they had a lot of trump but did you notice on all we went to a couple of stores they're all owned by minorities yeah i noticed that too like black people the trump store was owned by a black guy i went there before you guys got to go there wow the black guy was in there yeah no you'd be real i swear to god yeah yeah yeah but and also the reason that we got attracted to it yeah or even noticed it was because we were at breakfast stacy and i and she goes look at that guy's shirt and this guy was wearing it didn't look like a shirt it looked like a cape a confederate flag half confederate flag half american flag cape that's what the black guy was wearing no it was a white guy on the street but i looked at it and i was like where where the fuck is that from and then she's like there's a trump Trump store right there. And I was like, no shit.
What was the black guy dressed like? He didn't have any clothes on. He was like, I ain't wearing this shit.
No, honestly, it was really kind of, he was just a T-shirt and jeans. But a piece of me thought, does he own this store or is he working here? But then I thought he must own this because he wouldn't want to take this job if he i don't know man but he probably wears like a red white and blue like button up but there's a lot of flags everywhere yeah he has a blm fucking t-shirt yeah he's probably like a closeted you know i mean closeted blmer yeah but he has to wear the car but let me say this all joking aside the south was wonderful, wonderful people.
Amazing fans, people that we loved. And it was awesome to see everyone.
It was amazing, dude. Also, something I want to say that's, when we were in Dollywood, you know, 15 years ago, man, if I went to Dollywood, man.
They wouldn't let you in. Back then, you couldn't bring an angel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby got recognized so many times.

But it was like the love that I felt in Dollywood.

I was just like, oh, we're reaching everywhere.

People would come in on the roller coaster.

You know, the cart comes in, and we're waiting next to get on,

and they'd pull up like, and they'd see Bobby.

That's awesome.

It was great.

I was just like, wow, the power of our show.

This is how you know we're in a good place.

The cop, when we walked in, was like, man.

I remember that.

He goes, I love Bad Friends, man.

Oh, yeah, right when we walked in was like oh i remember that he goes off i love bad friends man oh yeah right when we walked we took a picture with the cop and he goes whatever you guys need i love on that when they say well when he said that i got nervous i didn't like i didn't like no it was we had a really good time down there in the south and and also in in the great midwest detroit showed up like crazy the craziest thing we're not even saying we're forgetting so much because there's so much that happened a dude got engaged a dude proposed to his wife in atlanta oh yeah oh a guy at the second show in atlanta came up to carlos and says hey can i propose to my wife and carlos was like are you full of shit because sometimes you have people that are full of shit they just want to get on stage like the surgeon oh. Oh, yeah.
Didn't you want her to say no? So bad. No.
I so badly wanted. Dude, I would have been in your face with that guy.
It would have been so funny. In your fucking face.
Loser. Like, I would have fucking been crazy, dude.
He bent down on one knee, and he was shaking, visibly shaking so much. I mean, like this, like trembling, his hands.
Yeah. And he pulled up the the ring and she was bawling.
And it was nuts. She got married.
They got engaged at a bad friend. Let me ask you this.
Is she saying yes because of the pressure of the crowd? Probably. Yeah, that's why he did it.
And you think in the car ride, it's like, I was just joking, you know. And he's like, well, baby, I love you.
She's like, I like you just fine, but don't do that at bad friends. It's funny that people, because we would have people come on the stage and they would get nervous a little bit yeah yeah yeah i found that to be cute it was cute we had a couple of weird instances somebody brought their kid twice oh my god somebody brought like a 14 year old boy which was like that's a little young yeah 11 year old girls an 11 year old girl her dad came to the show it was was so weird.
It was very weird. Oh I can also say did you guys

know. But thanks for being fans.
Yeah.

I should say. We also learned that if

you show the inside

of your asshole

it's a $10,000 fine. Did you know

that fancy. You broke.

We had to beg.

Not only did he beg

but Andrew was wearing the shirt

of a woman.

A woman?

I made Bobby take his shirt off and give it away one show.

Oh, my God.

His favorite shirt. His favorite shirt.

He loves it.

I was in the worst mood after that.

I know.

Remember that?

And then a girl, a woman who is well endowed.

That's a nice way of saying it.

In her chest.

In her chest.

Thank you for the clarification.

Said, I want your shirt, Andrew. And I said, well, get well get up here and i take off my shirt only to be fair to bobby and she goes you gots to wear my shit and i was like your tits are way bigger than mine and she goes too bad so i switch shirts but it's a crop top right so i'm wearing a crop top to end the show it fit you snug but uh we it fits me super snug.
And then so the show ends. I don't have a shirt.
We're backstage saying hi to some people. The tour manager, Stacy, calls us into the office, like the principal's office.
Oh, my God. And Bobby and I, like children, with our tails tucked between our legs, go to apologize.
I don't even know what I did at that point. Bobby is begging for forgiveness for showing the inside of his asshole.
I'm wearing a woman's crop top glitter T-shirt. Withtleneck With a turtleneck It's like a tight, tight So this guy And I go to the guy The manager or whatever, right? Yeah Yeah, and I go I didn't know that you couldn't show the inside of your asshole And he looks at me and goes You knew Okay, I did know You go I thought you said don't show penis I didn't know penis and butthole were the same thing and he goes they're the same thing and then we all wanted to make a joke so bad so bad well because fundamentally no they're not they're not the same they're absolutely not the same a penis and a butthole are not the same thing one of them poops and the other one is your butthole okay yeah it was so obviously that this is not the same thing and when he said that all of us looked around like don't do it $10,000 we had to beg this guy who's very and thank you to him thank you because he was like I'm gonna clip you guys 10 grand and we were like please don't do that because we're gonna do this a lot more on the door oh so ass is okay the whole 10 grand 10 grand that's insane to.
That's more than any prostitute. Bobby goes, I don't understand.
I've been completely naked climbing up walls in comedy clubs across the country. This has never happened to me.
Did I say that? Yeah. We did the math backstage.
You would be the most expensive escort in Atlanta. Ten grand for you.
Just to show your butthole. But it's not even my fault.
It's your fault. Yes, it was.
Yes, it was. You tell people to show, Bobby's gonna show the butthole.
I don't say it that way. Everyone goes, yay, I do it, 10 grand.
This is how I do it. I say, you guys love Bobby.
Yeah. You love Bobby's butt? Yeah.
You wanna see it? Yeah. You wanna really see it? Yeah.
Bob, give them what they want. And you don't have to spread it, but you do.
You spread it. But let me ask you, as a comedian, though, let me, no, don't, as a comedian.
Of course the butthole's funnier. You show the hole.
You have to show the hole. The hole's funny.
Yeah. Chuckle.
Chuckle. You wore underwear with your butthole imprinted on it.
Is that okay? I never thought of that.'ve never thought of that. This is very smart.
That's okay, right? We could do that. Yeah.
We could do that. You could sell those.
Yeah, yeah. I bet everyone would want to wear your butthole.
And then we had a fun night. Let me talk about one more night before we get into anything else.
We had a wild night in Louisville. Louisville, Kentucky.
Oh, my God. What happened? There was no food.
Right? Yeah, yeah. so we go traipsing around trying to find something there was one place there well hold on and we're gonna get there i don't remember we go to tgi fridays oh yeah i remember i remember i remember we've never none of us have i've never been to a tgi friday i've been to a chili i've never been one either i've never been i've been yeah one.
Yeah, we know. We know Chandler, Arizona or whatever.
I remember. So Bob and I said, well, it's the only thing open.
I've actually never been to one. So how do I order? Wait, wait, wait.
Also, it's Carlos' birthday. Yeah, Carlos' birthday.
Also, when I order, how do I order? This is how Bobby orders. Hi, how are you? Oh, good.
So on the appetizer front, for the table, we'll take everything you guys have you know mickey mouse in uh that what's fantasia yeah when he's waving the magic wand yeah everything comes to life that's how bobby orders he 100 without any semblance of exaggeration whether it's a steakhouse or tgi why do i do that because this is your drug and you can't use drugs that's not why that's what you said that's what you said i know that's what i said but that's not why you do you, I'm a drug addict and I can't use drugs. That's not why.
That's not why. That's not why.
That's not why. That's what you said.
No, no. I'll tell you why.
Why? Because I've never been there before. So some of it's not good.
You got to try all. True, true.
So if you get six of them, if four of them are bad, you leave the four, you eat the two. Right.
Right. So that's why I do it.
The odds of getting a good appetizer versus a a bad one it's kind of like what we showed our down syndrome mods before it's one in you know it's one in a couple thousand one in 700 appetizers might not be stop it but not at tgi all right so so tgi fridays yeah we order bobby orders um dumplings crazy no i i like the dumplings you order the gross I didn't want them chips and salsa chips and guac french fries french fries mozzarella sticks no pretzel sticks pretzel bread anyway 15 things before we even get to the meal the young woman that's working there and this is no shit on anybody that's working there they were all very nice and polite they bring the chips over we start to snack the to snack. The chips are right next to me.
Now I hear. And it's not me farting.
And I thought it was him farting. It wasn't me farting.
Yeah. And I hear.
And you look at me and I still go. Yeah.
I hear it too. I go.
Am I crazy? I looked at your hands because I go. Are you moving something on the table? And you what is that? And I go what the fuck? I lift up the chip basket and underneath the chips is a living huge living fly.
It was this I'm not kidding it was fucking huge. And it was on its side going kill me kill me.
No it was basically I ate some of the chips right? I'm taking a nap. You know what I mean? I'm supposed to be in the guacamole.
Yeah. So we immediately go, oh, fuck this shit.
I'm not eating. This is insane.
It just turns off every meal. Oh, come on.
I don't want to eat. I go, we got to get out of here.
This is, I'm not. If that's there, if that's in the chips.
What's in the food? What's in the burger? Yeah, yeah. That's, you don't even see what goes in there.
Yeah, yeah. So we say to the woman politely,

I think we're going to pay

for what we've got

and then leave.

And she was like,

oh yeah,

and we were like,

there's a fly here.

And we show them.

They see it.

And the manager too.

The manager sees it.

There's a fly.

He's like,

all right,

we'll pay up.

Wait,

we didn't just pay

for the appetizers.

We paid for the meal

we ordered.

The meal hasn't even come yet.

We paid for the whole

fucking thing.

Bobby paid $126

for DJ Fridays.

Oh my God.

And we walked out.

So then we said, what's going to be open? Okay, this is going to make me so mad. Love it.
So nothing is open. This is the story.
I remember this story. The cop, as we're walking south, we see that there's a McDonald's.
I said, let's go to McDonald's. Bobby walks at the pace of an 84 year old with a walker without tennis balls.
But you walk like you're skiing. I walk like a kid from that.
I walk like a guy with a destination. I want to get there.
There's like a medal involved with you. Yeah.
I mean, you're going to get the gold. You know what I wanted? Yeah.
Golden fucking arches. Yeah.
But but what happens i got to the window and the walk-up window was open and when i got there he goes we're closed i go well can i put an order right now and he goes you got to do it right now and i'm and i go you guys you got i'm yelling i'm calling you guys you guys we got to order now we ran they started running and then the manager comes out and he goes too late and closed the window. Yep.
And now I'm like, damn, you fucking turtles.

If you, they started running and then the manager comes out and he goes too late and close the window yep and now i'm like damn you fucking turtles if you could have just been a rabbit today that's not it but then i said fuck it there's taco bell let's just put something in our body because we hadn't eaten all day we walked to taco bell drive through only the inside is closed and bobby goes no fucking inside is closed fuck this he throws a tantrum and walks away and I go just wait we'll ask someone in a car to get us to pay for no I saw the guy well then the guy pulled out the guy pulled up after you freaked out as you were freaking out there was a plane going over and I go just wait just wait and jet ski like a child mom and dad are fighting and she's just like I don't know who to go with. And I said, well, get out of here.
I'm going to wait to eat.

A guy pulls up. No, you didn't.

You said, order something.

And I said, I will go with Bobby.

You'll go with Bobby.

Right.

Yeah.

Stupid girl.

Because, well, it ended up being fine.

So then a guy pulls up in a scooter.

It was dying.

As it pulled up.

Polly would say, he's crusty, bro.

And I said, hey, man, I'd like to get something to eat. Can I put my order with your order? And he goes, okay.
And I said, I'll just buy your taco. I'll just buy your Taco Bell.
I was going to buy. And he goes, I was fixing to order me about 20 tacos.
It was going to be six. And I was like, you were going to order 20 20 tacos and he goes yeah I was fixing to get me about 20 and I was like order 20 fucking tacos he orders 20 tacos me and Carlos get our two tacos or whatever we pull up to the window I pay at Taco Bell by the way 24 tacos for those that wanna know $19 i swear to god so i was like okay didn't break the bank so we pay and we're walking back and we're eating and bobby and jetski walked away without having taco bell instead door dashed white castle at four in the morning yep and had some sliders so it worked out other things it wasn I had other things.
It wasn't because of the, I hadn't eaten all day. Okay.
I had other things on my mind. So what happened? What happened was a Dollywood to you? You had a little Dollywood then.
Yeah, he did have a Dollywood, but I went with him. That's right.
You did. You know, you're such a little sweetheart.
No, you know what it is? What a little sweetheart you are. When we were kids, we called it kiss ass.
Oh, really? Fucking kiss ass. You're a-ass.
Oh, I love you guys so much. You've been very like, you know, you I'm a negative guy.
No, you're not. No, I go through negativity in my mind.
You go through phases. Phases of negativity.
And when I'm in those phases, you're very good at like being, there's not a bad bone in your body. You looked at me and you go, get out of here.

Go get Taco Bell.

Yeah, I did that.

Like I was like the dog in old yellow.

And you know what that dog did?

She put her head down, put her eyes up and just kept walking behind you.

Yeah, you're a sweetie.

We had a long walk in silence, but I felt like it felt like good to be there next to you.

Yeah.

Because I could tell you were going through something.

No one walked next to me when I was going through it. Yeah, babe.
When I had my Dollywood. Because you left.
Stacey did. You have to.
You have to. Yeah.
You gotta go sometimes. So we both had a Dollywood moment.
And I look through life sometimes in your lens, the way you see it. Yeah.
And it makes me grateful. Oh, that's so nice.
Because a lot of times, you know, we've been at it for a long time. And they're just, you know, we just get hung up on things, you know.
And when I look at you and how positive you are, I just think without you on the tour, it would be... Way harder.
Way harder. I agree.
Likewise. Without you on the tour, there would be no tour.
Yeah, that's right. That's right.
The funniest way way I gotta say of that night when we got the White Castle and Carlos was the one who ordered it and picked it up and then I kind of just remembered that whole night was his birthday yeah it was his birthday it really was oh you know what the best part was? they lost one of his tacos no really? yeah and I was like do you want mine and he's like it's okay I forgot another really cool thing about Louisville was Adam Sandler was in town you guys probably have a lot to talk about that but after the show got out Bobby and I went to visit the comedy club in town and their open mic had just ended but you could just tell how much it not only meant to them but but the local comics were just like, whoa, you're here. That was cool.
And then on the walk back because Adam Sandler- I turned the lights on. Yeah, he turned the lights on.
They turned all the lights on. I went on stage, just feel out the room.
It was a cool night. It was good for their comedy scene.
And then everyone in town getting out of the Adam Sandler show were just like, they just saw Adam. And then Bobby's now just walking in the street and people couldn't believe it but also another thing we did have dinner with Sandler yeah we went to go see after Sandler played the where the Red Wings play in Detroit we the show got out and I said you know we were Mike Binder was there opening and Schneider was there and Kevin James and they invited us back to a bar uh lounge where you eat steak and smoke cigars at the same time which for the record don't know why you want i mean they were a little like and then i was like why do you want to eat a cigar steak but they but they were very pleasant to let us hang out with them and sandler we went to go see the show um and sandler and those guys uh that was the dinner actually beforehand uh but we had a sandler let us hang out with them.
And Sandler, we went to go see the show. And Sandler and those guys, that was the dinner actually beforehand.
But we had a, Sandler let us hang out with them. We were talking.
He was so sweet. He's the best.
And he came up and he gave Bobby a very, very warm hug. And it was really nice to see.
Yeah. And Schneider was there.
Then we had coffee with Schneider the next day, I think. Yeah, Schneider was walking around and met us for coffee and hung out and it's been an unbelievable tour and what I do want to say is honestly from the bottom of our heart thank you it's been a life-changing thing we've it's been so fun to meet the fans the fan art has been wait till you see the studio is gonna be filled when they ship it back to us because it's in the bus so much fan art so much fan love you know we had a guy give Bobby a sobriety sobriety coin oh my god you were it was like a 16 year sobriety corn huge and you were gifted and you were gifted with what is considerably like a key to the city a councilman got a a coin from the city and you were gifted that yeah it was just stuff like that was like and people saying to us that we've helped you guys in tough times i know is a good joke show it's a comedy show we have fun and we usually fuck around but from the bottom of my heart it means so much to us that you guys in tough times.
I know it's a good joke show. It's a comedy show.
We have fun, and we usually fuck around. But from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to us that you guys are like, dude, it gets me through Monday.
It gets me through my week. It's fucking awesome.
But they have saved me as well. And I've had a tough one.
And just to see people look at me and go, I love you, and you know what I mean? It just goes a long way with me. Well, we're trying to give back.
We try to help out some of the fans. If you fans.
I'll suck their dicks. What? No.
We're not sucking anybody. My bad, my bad.
And we're not going to talk about no Bobby Lama stuff. Why can't we talk about it? Okay.
So now you're going to keep doing it. I'm not going to start.
I may have to stop. You said that you're not ever going to stop.
I want to stop. So for those that don't know, the Dalai Lama, you bring up the photo, the Dalai Lama sucked the tongue of like an eight-year-old boy the first week that we were on tour and it went viral.
The boy sucked his tongue. Hey, man.
Let's get it right. The Dalai Lama doesn't suck on tongues.
But look, he's kissing the boy's tongue. So anyway, this is disgusting and insane.
It's insane. And we coined it, or Juicy coined it, the Bobby Lama.
Because now we invite people on stage to kiss Bobby's tongue. Of course, these are of age adults sucking on his tongue.
Yeah, but what's happening is I'm getting sick. Sick.
Oh, yeah. Every show I get a sore throat.
I drink a bunch of vitamin C. Yeah.
And it's not healthy. We've increased our budget for vitamin shots.
Yeah. And also one show I did six times or something.
Six or seven, yeah. Yeah, it was terrible.
You're always the one who brings it up, and you always have the power to choose, and there's these really attractive women who are dying to get a kiss, and you never pick them. It's funnier with a guy.
Way funnier with a guy. If you do it with a girl, it gets creepy, right? So it's like, all right, Jim, come up here.
All right, let me suck your tongue.

The amount of guys that have volunteered to suck your tongue is beautiful.

I'm happy people are living so free out there.

What town were we?

Hey, man, wrong part of town for that shit.

What was he saying?

He said Atlanta, right?

No, no, no.

It was Charlotte.

Yeah, he goes, we don't do that gay shit here.

And I was like, yeah, you do do four guys just asked to do it i was like what are you talking about you idiot yeah and then of course some guy got up moments later and bobby bobby lamed him bobby lamed him yeah it's been it's been great that that stuff has been so much fun for people to like be interactive with the show and i can't wait for uh us to the tour. We're in the middle of it right now, so it's good to keep moving along and seeing new cities and all that stuff.
Yeah, thanks. Come out, guys.
It's been great. It's been great.
It's been really great. Juicy's expanding her stand-up resume.
We're trying to write new stuff on the road, and we're opening with a bunch of new stuff. For people that don't know, by the way, I think people are a little confused.
We never preface this. We're both doing stand-up.
Juicy does stand-up. So you're getting an hour of stand-up up top, and then we're doing stuff from the show.
So what's great is you get stand-up and you get parts of the show. It's a two-hour show.
There's singing. There's a lot of singing.
A lot of singing. There's a lot of fun, man.
A lot of fun. A lot of fun to be had.
Yeah. I want to complain about something off the tour stuff.
Okay, go ahead. That shocks me.
I'm going gonna book a hotel for the end of the tour when i stay an extra day you know before i come back home in what town in phoenix okay but i look online one price i call different price i go on an app different price around the same time i'm on my computer at my house, an ad for Travago comes on, you know, whatever that is. Travel, yeah.
And then they do a commercial where it's like, Janie stayed at a hotel and paid $275. Marissa only paid $186.
And it's like, why is that legal? Why the fuck can she have the same room and get, one just got fucked so it's like why does one person

pay one shouldn't rooms be the same price for everybody some of these apps and these places have deals with i don't like it i know you don't so then you're somebody gets inevitably somebody gets ripped off i'm opening up a hotel where here's the deal first floor everything's the same price second floor same price third floor same price fourth same price so the first floor 150. Second floor,

250. Third, 350.
Every room.

So you know... Second floor, same price.
Third floor, same price. Fourth, same price.
So the first floor, $150.

Second floor, $250.

Third, $350.

Every room.

So you know, and what floor am I on?

What do I pay?

What's the hotel called?

Cheapo People.

Cheapo People.

Welcome to Cheapo People Hotel.

All right, so Cheapo People.

Let me ask you.

So Cheapo People, right?

What if it's a seasonal hotel?

Yeah.

Right?

So in some parts of the year, packed, right?

But there's some off seasons.

And then I got to fill your rooms.

I know, but the prices people deals but they should all be the same i know what fancy just did i just saw what you just did and let me tell me you want to talk about this because i actually do want to talk about it sometimes we'll have people say to us how come this ticket price or this ticket price is so expensive We set the ticket price to one price. What happens is third party sharks and and assholes overcharge.
They buy tickets, they resell them. It's fucked up.
We have no control of that. Our price is thirty nine ninety five for most seats at most venues.
Forty dollars. What happens is the machine in the algorithm does that without our consent and our control.
We have no control over. So when we say, this is a tip for the fans, for real.
When an artist goes, please use the artist code for the pre-sale. Like when we go on sale, the pre-sale, that's when you can get a locked price no matter what.
When it's off the pre-sale, we can't control it anymore. It sucks.
Yeah. And the US is legal.
In Europe, it's illegal. It should be illegal.
So Bruce Springsteen is now in Spain, France doing the tour. And Obama's there.
Yeah. Tickets are like, whatever, $40, $70.
People were paying $5,000 in the US. Oh, my.
But this is the problem. It's crazy.
And when somebody goes, oh, yeah, and you guys are charging this. We don't get that get that money that doesn't go to us it's not like our for filling our pockets when someone else rips you off like that's what bums us out is like i hate when fans are like oh man they're all sold out who do you guys think you are charging that it's like we don't charge that dude that's some machine that someone is reselling and there's third-party machines so my point back to the hotel is that shit should be fucking regulated yeah it shouldn't do that one person shouldn't be fucked because someone else gets something that's just what you need with your schedule and your hotel business yeah you know well first of all now you just lost yourself an executive position at cheapo people hotel listen bobby you're obviously my co-executive but can i say somethingancy, you're housekeeping, clearly.
I couldn't know why you're so angry about it. Here's why.
Because- If it's 200 or 150, who gives a fuck? What do you mean? Because someone shouldn't pay more than the other person paid. That's not fair.
We don't live in communism. Well, we should.
I mean, what I'm saying is that- I just think it's not right. Specifically to you, why do you care it bothered me because because I've done this thing before where I've paid one thing for something and then found out that I could have gotten it cheaper another way and you're like well that's fucking bullshit it's principle I just got ripped so I just got fucked you know what I realize you're very principled when it comes to money well because it's not I know I'm just.
You're very like, you have your books. I mean, you know what people are getting.
You want to be fair. I like fairness when it comes to finance.
Yeah, yeah. Because I think societally, we have a lot of fucked up things in our society that are unfair.
It shouldn't cost you 10 grand to go to the fucking hospital. It's like, we have so much fucked up shit in our country where you're like, this is why people get mad about it.
Because the average average person does get fucked because someone wants to come to our show and reselling machines have fucked someone and so they're like four hundred dollars i can't pay for that it's like well i i wish i could change that how could i do that but if we were to go into dollywood and they said hey man you can be front of the line if you give me two grand let's just let's suppose that that was a thing you did do the fast pass i know we did we did We did do it. Yeah, you did.
We didn't need it. It's elitism.
I know, but is that wrong? Getting a fast pass. No, these are two different things you're talking about.
Why? Because there is a set general admission. It means you wait in a line.
Right. You're paying extra to go to a different line to go early.
Uh-huh. That's unfortunately the system that we all know exists.
Right. With hotels, all this shit, it's like, I don't fuck it.
They just hide it. hide it you don't know same thing with an airplane her seat right next to me could cost cost her 80 bucks less than mine why should have got trivago anyway this is an ad for trivago no it just here's the thing i i know how capitalism works i just think like there's moments like that where the commercial makes mad they're bragging about it that it's like she paid cheaper it's cheaper.
It's like, well, why did that girl get cheaper? That's not right. If you think about McDonald's, if you paid, you know, a $2.95 for a big, I don't know how much they cost.
And I paid $8. Yeah, you'd be fucking livid.
I'd be livid. It's the same shitty cheeseburger.
Yeah. Why didn't we pay the same thing? So I'm opening up Cheapo People Hotel.
Yeah. First floor, $1.50 a night.
Second floor, $2.50, $3.50, $4.50. Penthouse is eight grand to supplement the other fuck tell them about your penthouse oh my god and by the way my math just worked out because if the top guy is willing like the fast pass idiot if he's willing to supplement the other ticket loss like the loss of revenue that i could be getting then i'm fine with it because you're dumb enough to pay for it so it's fine no no no, no, no.
What's going on? What happened in Raleigh was, I said, let's book a hotel. We went to a baseball game.
Yes, so fun. And I said, I need to book a hotel last minute.
We book a hotel. His is already pre-booked.
I go to the hotel front desk. I go, hi, it's Raleigh on a Thursday.
You got to have a room. I mean, that's not what I said, but obviously I thought.
It's interesting that those are the first time where I was responsible enough to get one before you. And let's be honest, you didn't get it.
Somebody else did. No, but I, but two days before I called.
Your manager to book a hotel. No, no, my.
You texted your assistant. My assistant.
I'm just saying, I was still mindful about it. I went, just in case, we're about to hit Raleigh, get me a hotel room.
Right, right, right, right. And get me the most expensive one because I didn't want you to get the most expensive one.
I wouldn't have. I know, but still, it would have hurt me.
I would have gone to cheapopeoplehotels.com. I know.
What I did was, so I walked into Raleigh and I thought, by the way, there's a million hotels in the city. So I thought, I'll get something.
Who cares with him and i said this would be nice can i stay here and the woman goes totally booked out and i was like yeah i remember seriously yeah and she goes totally booked i was like it's wednesday night in raleigh north carolina yeah in the middle of fucking spring i was like what the fuck and she's like yeah no totally booked and i go okay i'll see you later bob i'm gonna go get a hotel on the street i got a hotel anyway then he goes i go let's go get dinner he goes you gotta see my fucking room the penthouse go upstairs yeah it's the entire fancy look at me the whole sixth floor has one room it's his it's my room and you know what his patio is it's the restaurant yeah when he walks outside there's a you know they cut out half the restaurant's patio and it's And made up my room. And you know what his patio is? It's the restaurant.
Yeah. When he walks outside, there's a- No, they cut out half the restaurant's patio.
And it's yours. And made it my patio.
They put like some blankets over a gate so they can't see him. The patio, just his patio, not the hotel.
The patio was bigger than our entire studio. Then all the rooms combined.
Can I tell you something? Yeah. That's only a restaurant.
It's a club. It's a nightclub.
Two in the morning. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
It's fucking chaos. Also, can I say another thing? Right? My bedroom has 52.
It's a fucking church. It's got 52 windows.
Right? So at 5.30 in the morning, right? God shoots his lights in. Let's wake Bob up.
Shoot the lights in. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
It wasn't worth the $1,500 fucking dollars. I paid for two nights in that fucking thing.

I'd rather be in a fucking dungeon with you.

It was a ripoff and fuck you.

Should have come to cheapopeopohotels.com.

It was a nightmare.

It backfired.

It did.

He went and slept on the bus.

I slept on the bus because I was like,

the light,

that's so funny, man.

The light's so bright in there. I go,

there should be no windows in the bedroom.

Should be none. None.
You don't need one. i have different rooms right here's a tip cheapo people hotel we're gonna buy old jails wait a second like this is something that gets me so mad about the u.s they if you go to europe especially if you go to spain for example every window every house doesn't matter where you are has shutters so there is no light coming inside any room if you don't want to anywhere they have shutters too man no here in the u.s everything is he's talking about slats like they they go completely flat yes every single window on every single house i want a shutter dude right we gotta get ourselves oh fuck google shutter dude well you know you dude you they have the window shut boop they close you i don't want one of those It's like an army When you do drapes the sides Seeps the light through I don't like it That's why I travel with a stapler I always staple to the wall You know what.
I've done this. Yeah, I've done this.
I took the fucking iron and put it against the fucking curtain. So everything in my room is like blocked and you know what I mean? I've done this.
Yeah, you've done that. Look at this.
Fully enclosed. Oh, so this opens and closes completely.
If you want a little light, you can leave it like this. Like that.
They lift a little light into the bottom. It also looks like prison.
I don't care. No, I know, but it does look a little prison-y.
Yeah. You like the bunk on the bus, huh? Yeah.
The little coffin. That, it's a coffin, but it's pitch black.
In fact, one, because what happens is we sleep around two in the morning. We drive.
We do. Yeah, you're at 9 p.m.
Yeah. But we're in bed.
You wake up, you open your eyes, and you're in a different city. Which is great.
It's so cool. But one city.
I don't know what happened. But we parked underneath a bridge.
Or something. Like it was an.
Oh. Is that one.
And when I woke up. I literally thought that I had died.
Louisville. Louisville.
Because it was pitch black. I opened my eyes.
And it was so dark. I'm like.
I think I died. I just prepped something on the phone, by the way, because, by the way, many of you have met McCone, our new videographer.
He's lovely. We love the kid.
He's on stage with us now. He's going to be back on the show when we come back.
We love him. He's probably going to be a member of the Bad Friends team for life.
I think you... There's something about you and him.
Why? I love him. No, but there's something going on.
What do you mean?

Not sexual.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I haven't tried.

No, I know.

Do you think I should try?

It's like a dad and son thing. It's like a real father and son.

Not as a mentor, but a real, that relationship.

I see you guys.

Yeah.

Well, here's why.

It's sweet. Like you make him call you daddy.
I make him call me it's sweet first of all it's papa it's sweet papa santino no you know what it is because i really love him and he is uh he is a member of our family because of my good friend brandon dermer our mutual friend who i've known for years directed my first special and he said you're this kid is very intelligent he's extremely like cultured and keen his music sensibility is fucking way beyond his years he's 23 years old and he knows more than most people in our age range and his um talent and depth of talent to come in the future you know when you see someone in your like when we knew jet ski when i first saw you do stand up you just kind of can tell no matter what beyond the fact that you're good now is like well

you're only going to get better i just and i see the same thing in him where i'm like he's only

going to get better at his craft he's annoying he is annoying as fuck and i'm going to tell you

i'll give you an example i needed to say that first before i start i'll give you can i just

throw my thing here's how he's annoying annoying yeah He Because I had already complimented him Before we went on a tour That you're very good at like Starting conversations with people That are famous Or like You're not intimidated by certain situations Environments Right So when we had coffee with Rob Schneider You know Rob has the court I had the second court We had the second court. We're going back and forth, right? And I'm outside on a smoke break.
Yeah. And I'm looking at McCone and I can see him with his lips like.
He's waiting. Waiting for, you know what I mean, to get his fucking thing in.
And he goes, so what was it like on SNL? Was it scary in the, I go, stop McCone. I know what you're doing.
I know what you're doing. Don't make it weird.
You're not doing it like this. Yeah, he made it weird.
I called it out. But he's young.
It doesn't matter. It's annoying.
But you know what you're doing i know what you're doing don't make it weird you're not doing it like this yeah i called it out but he's young it doesn't matter it's annoying but you know what shut your mouth he's a sweet boy shut your fucking mind drove we drove we took an uber down to raldy to go see prof this rapper who's the shit so talented and he goes yo we're gonna get on stage for the last song get on stage and i go i'm good i don't want to you know what i mean i don't want to like take up space for someone's show yeah macone on the other hand i'll go on stage can't fucking wait annoying he's not even at he didn't ask him annoying but i said can the kid go on stage and prof goes yeah that's all good and i was like you're a fucking idiot he didn't ask him yeah yeah so there he is in a hockey jersey. He's in a Minnesota wild jersey because he's from Minnesota as well, dancing.
Look at him dance. He's jiving with everyone, having a good time.
And then, of course, here we go. When it hits, watch it.
That's McCone. Watch McCone go off.
Ready? And there he goes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Amped. Amped.
He's amped. The kid had a great time.
He had a wonderful time. One of many things we've done on the tour that are just so fun.
One last thing about McCone. He doesn't deserve living this lifestyle.
That's for sure. He sent me.
Remember he told me. Well, back in the day, I went to go see Chappelle.
Right? Did you show the video? I don't. Oh, yes.
He goes, I went to go see Chappelle. And I go, okay, cool.
And he goes, he invited everyone out to this club. So I went.
I was like, okay. And he goes, look at this video.
It's basically McCone dancing, but he has the camera in Chappelle's face for like 45 minutes. Yeah, like as close as he gets up.
And at what point Chappelle's like, like, you know what I mean? You can imagine McCone's just like, you know what I mean? Annoying. He's an idiot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love him.
But the most important thing about that moron is that every day he wakes us up at 4, 5 in the morning. That last one was horrifying.
Because he has night terrors. I'm going to play some of them for you here.
He talks in his sleep, but he has night terrors. Wait, before you even play, play this is not an exaggeration it's not any kind of fib no this is it's so real because i i'm a deep sleeper yeah and this motherfucker has woken me up six times oh yeah every time i think people in the live because we've been telling the live shows what's happening and i i can tell people think we're making this we're not making up this is real so there's an app that records your sleep in fact on this show a year and a half two years

ago we played my friend Tyler's nighttime clips who also has an app who has night terror or is night night walking and all that um this is just one clip we don't have all of them obviously this is just one this is him oh. Oh! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! In the middle of the night at four in the morning. Yeah.
Ha! Whoa! Just talking. There was nothing or dirty sad, but I don't imagine much.
A sick, twisted boy. It sounds less scary like this, but imagine you're just in a dead sleep.
In a dead sleep. Yeah, and the first time it happened, I thought someone was getting hurt on the bus.
Like being stabbed. Stabbed.
Yeah. Because he's like, oh, no, no, no.
My God, no. We should do an exorcism.
He says deeper. Deeper.
He does say deeper. Deeper.
No, no. What's the other one he says? One where he's like, no, dad.
No, daddy. No, daddy.
No, daddy. Yes, dad.
Then yes, dad. We keep telling him, gotta go to therapy and he goes nothing happened to me and I said something happened he says doctor said my brain not good what? he said the doctor said my brain's not good yeah well the doctor's right but you only have nightmares like that if something happened no? no that's what his doctor said his brain's it could be that nothing happened to him and his brain's just upset.
I doubt it. I don't know.
I think something happened. I think the doctor did it.
Good trick. Yeah.
Nothing happened to you, right? Right? Take this Klonopin. But it's every morning.
I'm not kidding you. You think he got possessed? Yeah, I think maybe we should do an exorcism on him.
Would love to do that. I think that's what it is.
We got to find a guy. San Antonio.
Right. San Antonio, maybe we'll exorcise the demons.
Where is Carlos in all of this? Can I say something? Please. I'm going to die.
No. I'm going to die.
And I realize it's not the breath. But Carlos, despite his smell, is so confident confident um number one I realize I'm not a scientist yeah right I'm not and I'm not also a P.I.
of any kind yeah right and I'm not analyst correct right so but I've done some deductions you're able to deduce deduce it's not his breath so can I just say that what is it it? It's him. What do you mean? It's his.
Like his armpits? No, his essence. His skin? Let me just make a point, okay? No, please.
He's not here to defend himself. It's fine.
I'm going to get him on the phone. Yeah.
Because he needs to defend himself for this to be fair. Right.
So if you cut him open and you smell his inside. Do you.
Do you remember in Star Wars, the tauntauns? No. Do you remember the tauntauns? You're saying he's rotten to the core.
Yes. Yes.
Carlos. Yo, what's up, man? Hey, man, you're on the podcast right now.
And I felt it was only fair if you were able to defend yourself because Bobby is just bringing up something that he feels about you. I love you.
First of all, I love you. I think you're doing a great job on the tour.
Thank you, Bobby. And I think that you and I have bonded.
I agree. Good.
So that being said, go ahead. Go ahead, Carlos.
I mean, Bobby. What do you mean, me go ahead? All I was saying, I don't think you have bad breath.
Am I in trouble? No, I don't think you have bad breath am I in trouble no I don't think you have bad breath oh thank you Bobby that was just a joke you were doing no it's not a joke um I think I've deduced it down to what the problem is okay what's the problem it's just your core smells my core that's where it comes from my breath no it's not it's just your breath It's just your core smells. My core.

That's where it comes from, my breath?

No, it's not just your breath.

It's everything.

Your essence.

Your essence.

Was that fancy?

Yeah.

You know like the tauntauns from Empire Strikes Back?

Yeah.

He thinks that's you.

I think Han Solo's line was, I thought they smelled bad on the inside. Or on the outside.
Yeah, I thought they smelled— I think you—it comes from your inside. What do you think, buddy? You know, I think I take good care of myself, and I eat well, and all I do bad is Juul and smoke pot, so my inside shouldn't smell that bad.
Okay, fair point. And I think Bobby is making more of an energy joke about me.
Like, oh, I'm a dark, dirty person or something. But I don't think bisexuality or searching things at night should be considered dirty.
Okay. Okay.
So it's like a psychological thing with Bobby. Right, so maybe you don't smell to anybody else but Bobby.
They're talking about a dumpster. Whoa.
It's like a sniper. A little too hot though.
He's, can I tell you? Yeah. I can't wait to get away from this guy again.
No, he was talking about a dumpster. He wants to know.
Talking, talking about a dumpster. He wants to know.
Talk it, talk it about, talk it about a dumpster.

Fancy is referencing the girl that you made out with against a dumpster in Nashville.

Oh,

yeah.

She's cute.

She was,

she was good looking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She,

yeah.

She liked my picture today on Instagram.

So,

okay. Thank you.
We can follow each other now. I miss y'all.
We miss you too, buddy. Yeah, she liked my picture today on Instagram.
So we can follow each other now.

I miss y'all.

We miss you too, buddy.

How's Texas?

It's great.

But, you know, like today I posted a picture of McCone and it made me start to miss the tour.

And I want you to know that Bobby did text me today,

unprompted, a link to Instagram.

And I think he misses me too.

Did you?

Dude, when I send you fucking shit on Instagram, dude,

you do not talk about it.

What was it?

Do not say it.

I'm not going to.

Thank you so much.

Sometimes we have secrets.

Fine.

Carlos.

I'm just saying I think you missed me because you texted me. bond over But let's move on Okay thank you good to see you Bye bye Bye Carlos If you have to know I do I should It was just A kiss cover band.
The name of this Kiss cover band? What? Peck. That's so funny, dude.
But like a fumble. The moment I saw it, I thought.
Peck. Peck.
So good. But can I tell you what he sent me after that then?

What?

It's insane. So then he just starts sending me these.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.
Which is insane. Insane.
It's insane. All right.
Let me say this. We're so happy to be continuing the tour.
Also, for people that stuck around this late in the episode, you're in for a treat. We are going to be doing some dates in the fall i can't tell you

where i can give you some big cities let me give you some hints yeah and i'll give you another one and i'll give you another one there's poop everywhere yeah yeah and i'll and i'll give and I'll give you another.

That's enough.

Thank you so much you guys please come see us we're going to be adding dates and adding cities as we go um also uh we know we had we had to skip uh virginia because it was out of our fucking control we're sorry about that i'm sorry i got sick we're trying we're trying make that up, but it was out of our control what happened. We, you know.

I'm so sorry.

It's a huge bummer.

I'm sorry,

but we're trying to make up everything we can as we go.

And we love you.

And most importantly,

thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.