Bad Breath Friends

Speaker 0 Hey!

Speaker 1 Bad friends on tour! We're on tour right now. And look at the run that we're going on.
We're going to go on the Texas run. We're going to do a little bit of

Speaker 1 a trend. This week we're going to be in

Speaker 1 Canada, Dallas, Dallas, Houston.

Speaker 1 And then we go up to the northwest. We go to Saskatchewan.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're going to

Speaker 1 go this West Coast run.

Speaker 1 And then we go to Phoenix, where my mom is. Bobby Mama.
I'm Bobby Mara. And then after the big break, we go down to Florida to finish the rest of the trip.
We're going to badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 1 badfriendspod.com for those tickets. And we want to say sorry to our friends in Virginia.
Yes, so sorry. We had a scheduling conflict.
We had to cancel it and we had a scheduling conflict.

Speaker 1 It was stuff out of our control. I'm so sorry we had to reschedule.
We'll figure it out. We'll get back out there sometime, somehow, some way.
It wasn't us. No, we're going to make it up.

Speaker 1 We're going to make it up. It's out of our control.
So I'm sorry. It's all Carlos's fault.
It's all Carlos's fault, Virginia. Blame it on Carlos, the Gloria Hulk King.

Speaker 1 Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets. Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 And we're back with the boy. We're back with the boy that kissed the Dalai Lama.
There he is, right there. So, how was it when the Dalai Lama kissed your tongue? I thought it was weird.

Speaker 1 It was a little strange. He has a thick tongue.
Did you see it, Juice? Did you see the Dalai Lama kiss a little boy's tongue?

Speaker 2 Oh, I watched it a lot of times.

Speaker 1 Let's check it out. I know this episode's going to come out way after this, but man, do I want to see this? Yeah, yeah.
Give me some.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Give me a kiss.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 So weird. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 weird. So weird.
Does the Dalai Lama have not people, like other monks around him going, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, cameras. Dolly cameras.

Speaker 1 There's a Catholic church down the street. We can go there.
Well, but look, but look, the funniest part about it is he didn't sneak it. He stuck it out and led with it.

Speaker 1 You know, when you see someone go like this, when you see someone go to kiss someone, they go, oh, he led with his tongue. He led with the tongue.

Speaker 1 You got to chill out, get there, then look at his tongue in the middle. Right, you close mouth, and then you dart the tongue in.

Speaker 1 Like a little arrow. Yeah, he sparked controversy, film kissing a boy.
Suck his tongue. What a weird.
He asked him. Well, that's what Namaste means.
Oh, that's namaste.

Speaker 1 People don't know what namaste means. Suck my tongue.
Suck my tongue. Namaste.
Namaste.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That being. That's a weird.

Speaker 1 Do you think it's over? No, no, no, no. It's the beginning.
I think we're going to find out how many tongues he's kissed. Right.
I think this is the Dalai Lama's thing. That's my opinion.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are they celibate? Do they have to be?

Speaker 1 the Dalai Lama have to be celibate or no? Because then we got a whole Catholic Church thing going on. Pete, you say yes? I say yes.
Pete says yes. Carlos has no idea.
I say no.

Speaker 1 Ultimately, the Dalai Lama, who, like all Tibetan monks, is celibate himself. Yes.
So, yes, said gay marriage was up to each government and was ultimately individual business.

Speaker 1 No. Gay marriage is, no.
Come on, Dalai Lama. It can be a business.
This says

Speaker 1 he voices support. That doesn't sound like he supports gay marriage.
That sounds like he's saying, yeah, kind of. It's up to you.
If the local government says you can, yeah.

Speaker 1 What he's saying, he's like, look, if they stone you, they stone you.

Speaker 1 I think you got to let them do whatever the fuck they want. Who cares? That's insane.
Man, gay marriage.

Speaker 1 This is a gay marriage, by the way. You and I.

Speaker 1 This is a legal gay marriage. Yeah.
We've been performing together for how many years now? This has got to be under California state law. We don't have that.
We rent this place together.

Speaker 1 I know, but I looked it up. They don't have it.
You're worried about it. I don't want to marry you.
Too late. I don't be legally fucking bonded to you.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's going to be two versions?

Speaker 1 You do the American version, we do Asian version. Oh, they come with a gong gong gong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Juicy is back in the studio with us. Thank God, because man, did we miss you? What? Where have you been?

Speaker 2 You know, after that tour we've been doing,

Speaker 1 yeah, we've been on tour. We've been on tour so much, so heavy.
How much fun have we had on tour? Oh, I love it. It's been incredible.
I love it so much. It's been incredible.
Can't wait to do more.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't wait. And can I just say one more gripe I have? Give me the gripe.
I'll give you one more gripe, right?

Speaker 1 I was driving down the street almost on an accident because I looked at a billboard, right? They did another Peter Pan.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? I can't watch another Peter Pan. There's a new one.
And you know the two things that whites do? Peter Pan every year, and they make a Robin Hood.

Speaker 1 I don't like any white people dressed in green, green. Can I tell you? First of all, that's my ancestry.
That's my history.

Speaker 1 Leprechauns can do it. Thank you.
Right? What's wrong with Peter Pan? Every year they make a movie about Peter Pan and Robin Hood, man. What's wrong? Why?

Speaker 1 What's wrong with this Peter Pan? Why don't you like it? Because I know the story. Look at that.
That's literally our show. That's you on the left.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's juicy as Peter Pan. So would you be Peter Pan? I'm Hook for sure.

Speaker 1 I'm the

Speaker 1 Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell.
Yeah, you are. You got to be Tinkerbell.
Is Tinkerbell in this? Is that Tinkerbell? I don't know. The black chick on the left.

Speaker 1 There's never been a fat Asian guy's Tinkerbell, by the way. Can you imagine? Yeah.
He'd have to take so many breaks flying around. He wouldn't be able to fly.

Speaker 1 He'd just be walking around with his breaks. A flightless Tinkerbell? Yeah, Flightless.
Yes, the black girl. Wait, who is it? That's what's her name.
I know her, right? She's Yara Shahidi.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yara Shahidi. No, she's famous.
She's really good. She's super talented.
So she's Tinkerbell. Who's Pan? Who's playing Pan, my dog?

Speaker 1 Who we got on Pan? Probably a black guy. Oh, Gaffigan is in this.
That's right. I heard that.
Peter Pan is a kid named Alexander

Speaker 1 Maloney.

Speaker 1 Oh, so

Speaker 1 they went a different way. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Zoom in. I'm not,

Speaker 1 they went a different way. I got to be honest with you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. You look at that picture of that gentleman.
Yeah. That looks like Tinkerbell to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That totally looks like Tinkerbell. What? That looks like Tinkerbell.
Why couldn't that be? By the way, why couldn't Tinkerbell be a guy? Why not? That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if we're fighting all this equal rights shit, then how come Tinkerbell can't be a guy? Thank you. A fat Asian guy.
Oh, so who's playing Rufio?

Speaker 1 A different movie, dude. Totally different.
That's a completely different world.

Speaker 1 You're involving two completely different storylines in a thing that.

Speaker 1 Is that Peter Pan? Nah, it is, but that's a sub, that's like under the umbrella of the pan universe, just like Hook is under the umbrella of the pan universe. Peter Pan is the star of this.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Ruffio exists. Hook exists, but in this one, the stars are, you know, Jude Law is playing Captain Hook in this.
Uh-huh. Perfect.

Speaker 1 Perfect. Gaffigan's playing Shme, which is amazing.
Amazing. No Rufio, because I don't think maybe they don't show Rufio some love.
Okay. You know the Rufio Rufio.
Rufio.

Speaker 1 You know that guy, that actor? I love him. What's his name? Why can't he say that? His name is

Speaker 1 their brothers.

Speaker 1 Because I used to audition against them all the fucking time. Dante.
Dante Bosca. Dante Bosca.
Dante Bosca. Yeah.
Dante and his brothers, I used to see them at commercial auditions in the 90s.

Speaker 1 He's the man. Yeah.
This dude, he can rap, break dance. He can do everything.
He can do everything, dude. This guy, look at him.
He's sing. He's pretty.
Yeah. He's got it all.
Half mustache.

Speaker 1 Half stash. Yeah.
You can't grow grow a real, real beard, though. I know, but he can't even grow a full mustache.
Look at that. Get pepper it in.
Okay. They paint it in.
There's that one.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so if this studio, if bad friends became, for real, let's be honest, if bad friends became Peter Pan, if they do the rendition next year, you're complaining, but if they offered it to us, we would all do it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Right? Okay, well, Pete would play the boat.

Speaker 1 Come on, man. Well, you can float, right?

Speaker 1 Their name is Pete. Who would be the boat out of us? Us the screw? All right, Pete.
the boat. Pete's the boat.
First of all, Pete would be Shme. He'd be Schmee.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I want to be hook. Right.
Peter Pan has got to be Juice. That's got to be Peter Pan.
Even though he's a redhead, clearly a redeter pan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And Carlos is going to be who, Wendy Darling? Or no, he's Mr. Darling.
He's Mr. Darling.
Look at him there. Wasn't Mr.
Darling bald in the original?

Speaker 1 But also, can't we just like, he could be this guy, right? Aren't there a bunch of pirates on the boat? So many pirates. He could be pirate number 14.
Let's hear you're a pirate.

Speaker 1 I want to be a pirate. Let's hear you're a pirate.
Yeah. Armady.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Fire.

Speaker 1 You're never going to get the job. By the way, I thought you got to fucking try.
Not only did you not commit, you didn't even try. Armady.
Armady. Armedy.
Is that how you would do that?

Speaker 1 We're serious about this, dude. We're pitching Peter Pan, Bad Friends.

Speaker 1 I feel like pirate number 14 doesn't really talk.

Speaker 1 We're producing the movie. We're going to give you a line, fuck face.
No, not anymore. Not with that attitude.
I don't keep that. That's a line.
That's just. All right, how about this?

Speaker 1 You can be caught chief. You'll be caught chief.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, who's caught chief? Or Or slightly. I don't know much about it.

Speaker 2 I think that's from Wynne King.

Speaker 1 No, dude, that's Peter Pan, my dog. Caught chief.
Look. He's like a native.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's one of the native characters. He's Tiger Lily's father.
I don't remember this story. Well, you should watch the movie again, like I do every year when the whites remake it.

Speaker 1 But you're a Robin Hood fan, too?

Speaker 1 Look, I liked Robin Hood, but steal from the rich to give to the poor. It's like the poor have enough.
You know what I mean? Right, porridge. It's so delicious.

Speaker 1 No, no, keep the rich rich is my whole thing. I want Robin Hood where he robs from the poor and gives it to the rich.
Yeah. I want Robin.
I want actor Robin Hood robbing the hood.

Speaker 1 Rob from the poor, give to the rich. Give to the rich.
That's what I always say. That's me too.
Give to the rich. It's easier to rob the poor as well.
Way easier. Way easier.
They don't have security.

Speaker 1 You're in.

Speaker 1 Right. You're in.
They don't have much. So it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do a real Robin Hood. Yeah.
Yeah. And then

Speaker 1 who we give it to? Elon Musk? You got to give to someone that's struggling, you know? Someone like Gates or somebody. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gates or someone that needs it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I read a thing today that's a very, it was obviously from a conservative post, and it said, Bill Gates' private jet in one flight causes more carbon emissions than your entire lifetime of the vehicle that you own, the car that you own.

Speaker 1 Wow. Look that up.
Bill Gates says flying in a private jet doesn't make him part of the problem because he invests billions into fighting climate change. Oh, I have black friends.
That's what that is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah.
But I have black friends. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All that means to me, all this really says to me, is: get rid of your car. Let's all have a jet.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You think what Bill Gates dies and I died at the same time that we would be waiting in the same line at the Pearlie Gates, or is he treated differently? You think you're going to the gates?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm just assuming. Bill Gates goes to the gates.
I know. I don't go to the gates.

Speaker 2 He's named after the gates.

Speaker 1 Do I get stuck around?

Speaker 1 You probably know someone that will sneak you in. Totally, one of them.
You, for sure. For sure, yeah, yeah.
For sure. I know people.
Where am I, though, in line? This. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bob! Bob!

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you go.
No, I'd be like,

Speaker 1 I don't think I know him.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll be like, hey. What about, would you let Jetsuki in?

Speaker 2 I'd already be in. I'd be like, these guys are good.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you. And that's really confident of you.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I would probably let maybe Hern, yeah.

Speaker 1 I would let.

Speaker 1 Who evil would you let in? If you could sneak people into the Pearly Gates, who would be someone that shouldn't get in, that they're in the purgatory line? Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I mean, because I want to make movies out there. Oh, you do want to pick me in the afterlife.
I mean, yeah, that's, I mean, I think I'm going to try my hand at directing in heaven.

Speaker 1 So, who are you sneaking in? I know. Spacey dogs.
Space Dog.

Speaker 1 We got to have to produce it. You got it.
Yes, that's true.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And there's some comedy elements built on. Rowan Polanski, would you let him in? Oh, yeah, he'll direct.
It'll serious. He'll seriously.

Speaker 1 I can promise he can get the second movie.

Speaker 1 But that's only for creative, to be creative. Juice, who would you let in?

Speaker 1 If you could sneak in some people that you know don't deserve to be in, but you'd let someone in, who would you have to sneak in?

Speaker 1 Who would you be okay with being like, Look,

Speaker 1 you gotta let him in?

Speaker 1 It's like Michael Jackson.

Speaker 1 Come on, man.

Speaker 2 Is Stephen Hawking still alive?

Speaker 1 Nope. No, he's dead, right? Did he die? Yeah, he's dead.
I'd let him in. You would.
He's already in. Why would he not be in?

Speaker 1 Why would Stephen Hawking not be in? I don't know, man. What? Because he's twisted? Well, because I don't think it's wheelchair accessible.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's wheelchair accessible.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a stairway to heaven.

Speaker 1 It's a stairway to heaven.

Speaker 1 It's like a song that's so.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a stairway to heaven.
It is. is.
Oh, before we get too far off, I have an announcement to make. Oh, shit.
I got a text message. From who? From the big Q at the comedy store, from Quincy.

Speaker 1 They finally got those. I know I've been getting texts from doormen all day.
Well, I didn't get any texts from anybody but Quincy.

Speaker 2 I told them to thank you guys. No.

Speaker 1 They all came up to me and went, thank you so much. I mean, they were so great.
Finally, the show that we did for charity finally got paid to the door people.

Speaker 1 The men and women of the comedy store, I did not get any text other than from Q, but thank you to Quincy.

Speaker 2 I'm going today after this podcast.

Speaker 1 I just haven't been to the store since. I actually haven't been since

Speaker 1 I left for Australia. So I haven't been in what? Months? Three months? Yeah, four months? Yeah.
So I haven't gone back, but I did hear that they got paid.

Speaker 1 So thank you for the comedy store for being our home club, our palace, and giving back to the people that we wanted to give back to, because that's what Bad Friends does. We give back.

Speaker 1 Isn't that true? We do. We do.
We do. We do.
We give back. So thank you.

Speaker 1 And I hope everyone uses it for something that they need. You didn't get any.

Speaker 2 I'm going to.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to get a check.

Speaker 2 You guys guys told me to.

Speaker 1 She was still a door person when we did the whole deal. Still am a door person.
Give it to somebody else. All right.
No, no, no. Don't let her have it.
I don't want you to have it.

Speaker 1 She just is in an apartment. Yeah, you're right.
Give us an update on the new apartment, by the way.

Speaker 2 Oh, I love it. But they're evicting my neighbor.

Speaker 1 Is that why you love it?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to love it even more soon. But she does like weird things, like

Speaker 2 plays her music really loud at night. And she's getting evicted because I think she stole some packages from the.

Speaker 1 What are you, my dad?

Speaker 1 I'm not evicting her. Slow down, Snitch plays music at night like someone that's cool and steals like a cool person.

Speaker 1 What do you don't like about this person?

Speaker 2 I'm just relaying the message.

Speaker 1 Is it electric guitar or just acoustic guitar?

Speaker 2 It's the speaker is loud.

Speaker 1 Oh, the speaker. Oh, she's not playing it herself.

Speaker 2 Well, she says it's like religious music. Oh, yeah, yeah.
But I'm like, who's got to pray that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They don't sound like that. It's like

Speaker 1 yeah, I think that's Coptic Christian. I think it's a new, I think that's a whole new thing that they do listen to like EDM now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I went to church a couple of months ago because I met that girl. I met a girl and she was Christian.
I went to church. Did you know that? You told me, but I don't think you really went.

Speaker 1 You actually went to the church. I literally went.
I wore a suit and everything.

Speaker 1 What church did you go to? It's called.

Speaker 1 I don't want to see. I don't want to, because I'm about to rip on them.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Well, can we beep it? Yeah, it's called

Speaker 1 church or something like that. Oh, dude, this is one of those new age weirdo churches.

Speaker 1 But here, their music. You know how Christian music used to be kind of bad?

Speaker 1 When?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 throughout history. When was it bad?

Speaker 1 You love it? Bathe in the blood of Jesus.

Speaker 1 I love that stuff. Oh, you do? I love that stuff.
Okay, well, you know, they're doing now like a lumineers kind of sound. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They had the guitars out. Like, hey, you know what I mean? And like, I want to go, hacky.

Speaker 1 And create something new. You know what I mean? Like, I know what you're doing.
You're trying to hip it up for the youth, right? But it's like lumineers, bro.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with hipping it up for the kids? Create your own shit, bro.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, I mean, be original.
Here's

Speaker 1 the vent. Dr.
Dogg is playing My Church this weekend. There's a couple of good bands that are coming through my church this weekend.
Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that?

Speaker 1 Here's why I'm not a Christian, okay?

Speaker 1 I can tell you why, okay? This is the only reason why.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, God can't go to Tommy Ork and go, hey, write me a song.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Why can't God go to the best singer-songwriters? Right? But he doesn't. He always goes to like Creed.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
I'm crossing the line. Scott Stapp is the best songwriter.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
To each his own. What did you want him to? Who did you want him to go to? Tom York, by the way.
Go to the Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to Carinot and write us a song.
Okay, I get that.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'll like it. Carino would be a

Speaker 1 banger about God. Yeah, yeah.
Who do you think would make the best, genuinely, the best rock song about God stuff?

Speaker 1 Like, who could, not just saying a good band, but like who in their repertoire would make a song that would line up with like God's shit?

Speaker 1 Well, if I was the producer, I'd say, you know, make it about God, but don't say God.

Speaker 1 Allude to it so that everyone can like it. Well, like that, like that song.
You know what? Like that song, Take Me to Church by Hosier. Yeah, yeah.
That's a great song.

Speaker 1 That's God's shit, but that's a great song. Yeah, that's a great song.
Take me to church. I know that song.
I haven't. Sing it.
Take me to church. I shout with the Saturday night.

Speaker 1 Be in a bite. I don't hella, he, ha-ho, huna.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Donna.

Speaker 1 Something like that, right? That's it. Take me to the church.
Yeah. Take me to church.
You know the lyrics go. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lives.

Speaker 1 I'll show you my sins if you can sharpen your knife.

Speaker 1 Offer me that practice, bro. Yeah, that's good.
Let me give you my life.

Speaker 1 Take me to church. I love that.

Speaker 1 By the way, that's a dismantling of Catholicism. That song is so powerful.
That's what he's saying. I'll I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lives, a shrine of your lives.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you my sins. You can sharpen your knife.
Offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life.
It's a great poking the bear of the church. That's one of my favorite songs.

Speaker 1 It's a good song. I have it.
Oh, so this is one of those things that your parents could listen to and be like, what a song. They have no idea what he's saying.

Speaker 1 I love it. He's singing about God.
Yeah. Take me to church.
He's saying, someone wants to take him to church.

Speaker 1 By the way, my dad made this mistake. I'll never forget.
Remember, Because I Got High? Remember that song? Because I Got High, Because I Got High. Yeah.
Who sung that?

Speaker 1 I was going to go to work, but then I got high. Afro Man.
Afro Man. My dad, I'll never forget, who shunned me for smoking pot most of my youth, one day was like, have you heard that song by Afro Man?

Speaker 1 Because I Got High? And I was like, yeah, how have you heard it? He's like, well, listen to the lyrics. He tells you exactly why his life went downhill, because he got high.

Speaker 1 I was like, no, dad, this is promotional of marijuana. He's like, no, it's not.
Bring up the lyrics.

Speaker 1 Because he he says I was gonna go to work Then I got high I was gonna do this, but then I got high He's like see it's a downward spiral of failure. I was gonna clean

Speaker 1 well. He goes I was gonna clean my room then I got high.

Speaker 1 Yeah, see my room is messed up and I know why really yeah, my father thought this was like him trying to say hey man don't smoke pot You won't get anything done right.

Speaker 1 I was like no dad This is him saying I was gonna do this stuff my homework, but I don't feel like it because I want to get stoned. Yeah.
He's like no you're wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm like well however you interpret it. That's how you learn.
Music is going to mean something to other people, and it doesn't matter because the writer doesn't have control over how people go.

Speaker 1 That's why I like it. Yeah.
You know, it's like, remember when Bruce Springsteen admitted that he was like, I never worked in a fucking factory. Did you see that on the documentary? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Springsteen did a documentary. He was like, his dad did.
Yeah, but he was like, I didn't. He witnessed his dad do it.
Yeah, he saw humans live these lives, but he's like, I didn't fucking,

Speaker 1 I lived a middle-class life.

Speaker 1 I didn't work in a coal mine. But he witnessed it.

Speaker 1 It's around his world. Yeah.
But it wasn't his exact.

Speaker 1 It wasn't his exact thing. Like, if I couldn't, I couldn't sing about it because I don't know where a coal mine is in San Diego.
There's two of them. Oh, there are.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, it has one of the biggest.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Oh, really? We're going to be there.
When we play San Diego, we got to go to the coal mine. We got to visit it.
Yeah. You got to go.
We should go together. In middle school,

Speaker 1 we would go to dance, and they would always play white lines, but we had no idea what it was.

Speaker 1 White lines. And you're like, you know,

Speaker 1 13.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You think it's like about the football field.
Do you know that song? You know what white lines are?

Speaker 2 I must have heard it.

Speaker 1 Well, it's an older song, but it's all about doing cocaine.

Speaker 1 White lines.

Speaker 1 You never heard of it? No. God,

Speaker 1 Bob,

Speaker 1 we're old. You forget we're old.

Speaker 1 I know what Moonlight Sonata is. That was thousands of years ago.
I was fucking born. Do you think she knows what that is? You know what Moonlight Sonata is?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I went to school for music.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, you don't know white lines. I'm a little upset.

Speaker 1 We didn't learn that in trumpet class.

Speaker 1 I bet there's a trumpet version, by the way. Right now, you're learning white lines to play on stage on tour.
What?

Speaker 2 I gotta practice on the story.

Speaker 1 It's actually perfect because it

Speaker 1 in school, what do they play like at the dance? I can remember Rock Lobster, too. Oh, I love rock.

Speaker 1 And then there was that thing where, like, you know, what you go down, like, the whole, right?

Speaker 1 And who,

Speaker 1 like, I saw the music video didn't do that in in the music video

Speaker 1 We did that's the same thing as like but we had no internet back then So how did the San Diego middle school contact fucking Chicago this is the beauty of before internet things got how did sweet Caroline dun dun dun that's not in the song

Speaker 1 People say what bop bop

Speaker 1 everyone sings that

Speaker 1 But it's not in the song What? Yeah, there is nobody says bop bop I know but that's a horner I know but people say it bomb bomb ba as if it's a part of of the song, but it's really not.

Speaker 1 But it's the only way you would explain it to somebody that doesn't know it, right? Bomb, but you don't have a fucking horn with you.

Speaker 1 I just go, oh, I can pull out my trumpet. You know, there's a bomb bomb.
I know, but she has one. Well, that's what she is.
She's a trumpeter.

Speaker 1 But I think you're losing your mind. No, but everyone else would go, sweet Caroline.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Good times, Nicholas. No, no, no, no, no, no.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 If you were going to explain it to somebody, you would do the bomb bop bop. There's no way they would feel that.
You know the song. Sweet Caroline.

Speaker 1 So good. So good.
That's not in it either. And everybody else, so good.
Yeah. That's what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1 We all add in our jazz. We added in our jazz.
So, you know, it was like Marilyn Manson. When it went down and up, that was just a kinetic thing that we all knew.

Speaker 1 Okay. It was like Marilyn Manson.
It's the rumor that got around before the internet that he removed a rib and could blow himself. Remember that? Yeah.
How did that get around?

Speaker 1 Before the internet, right? It's just that was the magic of word of mouth before Twitter, before all the bullshit inundated us with nonsense.

Speaker 1 You would just hear something wild and cool, and it got spread. Urban legends.
Cultural urban legends. I love urban legends.
Well, they're gone now. I know.
No, there's

Speaker 1 no, it doesn't exist. There's no, what's an urban legend now? Seriously, what's something that you've heard recently? No, because you could verify it.
Immediately you'd change it.

Speaker 1 Internet, yeah. You used to be able to tell big fish stories.
Oh, man. One time

Speaker 1 doesn't exist. Man, Charlie? Yeah.
Well, one time. One time.
One time there was a guy who went to to my high school.

Speaker 1 Mark Bloman. Mark Bloman.
I've never heard of that last name, but. Mark Bloman.
Yeah. He was incredible, this guy.
He did four backflips on a BMX bike off of a mini ramp. Really? Yep.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Landed it perfectly. And both tires popped at the exact same time.
And he stayed on? Stayed on? Wow. Yeah, he sells insurance right now in Riverside.

Speaker 1 He's got to be on his games? No, he's not an ex-games. Oh, okay.
No, he's got an ex-wife. He's a two-ex-wife.
Yeah, it's been tough for Mark Bloman. Yeah.
Used to be able to tell.

Speaker 1 Used to be big fish tales.

Speaker 1 They'll never exist again. Because someone will go, Google Mark Bloman.

Speaker 1 Hello, Fresh. What is HelloFresh? And people ask.
I'll tell you what it is. With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep.

Speaker 1 Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal, kid.
It is America's number one meal kit.

Speaker 1 I hate going to the grocery store. I'm not good at it.
I don't know what to get. With HelloFresh, it gets delivered to my door.
I don't even have to think about it. And guess what?

Speaker 1 This May, HelloFresh is celebrating Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Yeah, I love it.
Limited time authentic recipes created in partnership with Chef Sherby Shani. I'm sorry, Sherby

Speaker 1 Sanhi

Speaker 1 of New York City's Tagmul restaurant and enjoy cultural taste right in your own kitchen.

Speaker 1 Also, if you're not a pro, HelloFresh's foolproof recipes arrive pre-portioned and easy to prepare in just a few steps. I love it so much.

Speaker 1 You save so much money because you get really good food, right, delivered to your door,

Speaker 1 and and it's like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's restaurant quality, so you get that in your house. And your house becomes the restaurant.
And by the way, don't order takeout and spend all that money on takeout. Cook it yourself.

Speaker 1 Be that sexy little chef that you always wanted to be. HelloFresh takes, they care about quality.

Speaker 1 That's why their seasonal ingredients are picked at peak ripeness and travel from the farm right to your home in less than seven days. That's so good.

Speaker 1 Go to hellofresh.com slash bad friend16 and use code BADFRIN16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping.

Speaker 1 That's right, go to hellofresh.com slash bad friend16 and use code bad friend16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping hello fresh america's number one deal kit morgan and morgan um a couple of months ago i was in a car accident yeah you were i wasn't injured right but if i did i would go to morgan and morgan that's the best they are the best man i got to tell you something Sometimes we get in car accidents, fender benders, bumper bumpers, bumper rumpers, and we don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 And you don't know how you get what you're entitled to. You think about, should I sue? Am I in pain? Because I got to tell you, only a couple years ago in 2020, there was over 5 million car crashes.

Speaker 1 It's more than 15,000 a day, 600 an hour. So, like many of us who have been in one, myself, Bobby, you don't know where to turn.
You got to turn to someone like Morgan and Morgan.

Speaker 1 And some people have questions like, did you know that you're not suing the person who hit you, rather, their insurance company? Did you know that you don't need a lot of money to hire a lawyer?

Speaker 1 All these things, you know what I mean? People think they need money, but they don't. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan.

Speaker 1 Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers.

Speaker 1 With over $15 billion recovered for clients, Morgan and Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation.

Speaker 1 Submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy, it's more like using an app than hiring a lawyer. That's right.

Speaker 1 If you're ever injured in an accident, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win.
For more information, go to forthepeople.com/slash bad friends or dial pound law.

Speaker 1 That's pound529 from your cell phone. That's the people.com slash bad friends or pound law pound five two nine from your cell.

Speaker 1 That's for F-O-R thepeople.com slash bad friends or pound law pound five two nine from yourself. There's a paid advertisement.

Speaker 1 What would they play at your school if you had it went to a dance? Like in middle school or whatever?

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 1 country grammar.

Speaker 2 Like the sweat to the balls. That's all.

Speaker 2 It was all hip-hop.

Speaker 1 It was? Yeah, it was. Hell yeah.
That was all. Dude, she's in the age range where that became the standard.
You still had rock that existed.

Speaker 1 We had no black people in my school. Well, that's not a good idea.
No, they didn't know.

Speaker 1 They're not going to play fucking Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Speaker 1 I think that we're not on Earth, Wind, and Fire either. I think that's on your school's Wikipedia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No black people, right on the Wikipedia.
It was like three. Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's like, they're not going to

Speaker 1 cater the whole fucking dance for three guys. Okay.

Speaker 1 So fucking funny because you're saying only black people like rap. No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm just... Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right.
It sounds weird. Let me defend.

Speaker 1 Let me defend. You're right.
But my brother, right, you know, my brother is a rapper. I know.
You know that, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 So I remember when I graduated, then his generation just started listening to hip-hop.

Speaker 1 And then they told me to go, abide, you know, low-end theory, go buy, you know, and that's how I learned about it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What was the first hip-hop song you heard that made you, as someone that didn't really love rap, go, I think I could get into this? It was three feet feet high and rising. It's de la solo.

Speaker 1 De la sol one of the

Speaker 1 because it was catchy, right? And yet I could understand also, you know, what they were talking about. And I just loved it.
It just felt such good music. So good.
What was that for you? Missy Elliott.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, she was my favorite. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ugh. Here's my window.

Speaker 1 I can't stand the ring.

Speaker 2 Who's got the keys to the G?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's an Ann People song, by the way, for those for the older generation.
So that's what they did. Oh, yeah.
Hip-hop. Hip-hop.
That's what, I mean, that was me, too.

Speaker 1 But I mean, we had rock and hip-hop.

Speaker 1 What I didn't like is when we used rock at school dances from like my dad's generation, there would be like corny shit that would sneak in there sometimes because the teachers wanted to hear shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, why? Like what? You know, they want, like, they would, like ABBA, like shit like that. We're like, fuck ABBA.
Fucking fuck ABBA. Shut up.
Abba's.

Speaker 2 I like Abba.

Speaker 1 Dancing queen.

Speaker 1 What? Dancing queen with me. Dancing with bronze.
No, it's not. You can imagine dancing with dolphins.

Speaker 1 Dancing queen. You know, she's wearing a game.
Let me remind you. Yeah.
We have a hate group here at Bad Friends for Dolphins. I want to remind you.
Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 Bad Friends Hate Dolphin group. Yeah, yeah.
This is your dancing queen? Yeah. Dancing queen.
I love it. I imagine you didn't get a lot of dances, did you? I never went.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you go to prom and homecoming and everything? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, you really never went to dancing queen? I did.

Speaker 1 I went to homecoming.

Speaker 2 Oh, I was going to say we should throw a dance for Bobby.

Speaker 1 Oh, we should. That would be fun, right? We should do homecoming.

Speaker 1 You know what? Comics should do a homecoming dance. We should.
I'm being real. I would love to.
Like an old school one where people have to dress like in the 80s or whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, we do the reunion at the comedy store, and that's kind of a thing, you know? What reunion? Or the Christmas party. The Christmas party.
Is that a reunion? Well, that is like a reunion.

Speaker 1 It's like everyone comes back into town and goes to the store. Yeah, but I don't like those parties.
You know why?

Speaker 1 There's always a group of people you don't want to see. You don't want to see it.
No, you don't either. I've seen you do it.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
I've seen you do it. Go, don't lie.

Speaker 1 Don't fucking laugh. I've seen you do it.
My problem problem is. That's not it.
If I tell the truth, you will get in a fight. Just admit that I know what you do.
I've been watching you, right?

Speaker 1 I do the same thing. So that's it.

Speaker 1 Okay. There's a couple of people that nobody wants to see.
I know.

Speaker 1 You'll walk into the club, right? You'll see four people together, and you go around. Yeah, okay,

Speaker 1 admit that. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I still like to go. No, you don't.
No, yes, I do. Yes, I do.
I do go to all of them. You know, I go.
I go, I go.

Speaker 1 Have you seen me or him more? I've only worked there a year and a half. Yeah, she's brand new.
I'll go.

Speaker 2 I've seen Bobby more, though.

Speaker 1 You've seen him more only because he stays longer than I do. Yes.
I leave. You look at the crowd.
I leave. And you leave.
I pay my dues. I say hello.
I kiss the ring.

Speaker 1 I wish I could name names, but I can't. It'll hurt people's feelings.
Sometimes you have to leave. You have to leave.
Sometimes you have to leave. Because

Speaker 1 the worst are, oh, God, I feel so bad even saying it.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say it. We can cut it out.
Really? Well, Pete's right now. The worst is, you know, and I'm a huge fan of comedy.
Generations before me, right? And when

Speaker 1 I know when the old comics are in the parking lot, they stay by one little location and they wait for the entrance. It's like, how do we get into the building? There they are.

Speaker 1 You got to go through them. Right.
You have to go through them. That's like the troll at the bridge.
That's like, FIFO, fun. You must answer questions three to get through me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Comedy history.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But here's what I don't like.
This is what I don't like. I don't like the younger generation, like your generation of doormen, that don't know who they are.
I always knew who they are.

Speaker 1 Well, but they couldn't. That was 20, 30 years ago.
You do research. No.
You think I know who Mort Saul is? Well, yeah, yes, you do know who Mort Saul is. Do you know who Mort Saul is?

Speaker 2 These are those legends you were talking about earlier.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he wasn't there. I'm just saying it's like.
No, but Mort is a part of that. But I just kind of knew, you know what I mean, who came before me.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I just don't see a lot of that happening. They don't give a shit.
They're looking for now, not the past. Right.
Good for them. Fuck them.
You know what? We got it.

Speaker 1 Kip Adana. You know who that is? You don't know Kip? Oh, wow.
That's wild.

Speaker 1 Well, you adapt or die, basically.

Speaker 2 But how would we know someone we don't know?

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 2 How would we know someone we don't know?

Speaker 1 He's saying. Because you were on TV and stuff back.

Speaker 1 When we were coming up, you kind of had to know those before you. It was like a part of the system, but that's not how it is now.
It doesn't fucking matter.

Speaker 1 Even when I was your age, this is also what I did. I go, I would go, what does Dave Becky look like? Yeah, I remember.
Right. Or managers.
And go say hi.

Speaker 1 I would either go say hi, or if I knew they were in the room, I would try to do a good set. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 So it's like I was just kind of privy to who was in the business, behind the scenes, who had power, Pat Buckles. I knew what people look like.
Yeah, you had to.

Speaker 1 But your generation, because of the internet, you don't have that. They're just TikToking their way through town, baby.

Speaker 1 It's interesting. And that's fine.
That's fine. We're the old bones, dude.

Speaker 1 We're the old bones in the back of the fridge.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm the new blood.

Speaker 1 New blood. Oh, dude.
I don't know how far you think you're

Speaker 1 Just the way you just said that. You really bother me.
You've created a monster.

Speaker 1 Honestly, this is all your fault. True, I know.
You did this. Like, I'm supportive, but you really do.
You're feeding this little beast. This little tiny.
I cannot wait.

Speaker 1 I cannot wait to see how worse she gets on the tour. She's already had demands.
So far on the tour, for people that want to know what's really been going on,

Speaker 1 she makes the bus pull over because she needs smoke breaks. Yeah.
And she smokes, and I can hear her mumbling on the side of the bus. She's like, fucking Bobby, a piece of shit.
I hear it.

Speaker 1 Stupid fucking bad jokes. Oh, Santino, cool outfit, you fat loser.
And she'll be saying this stuff while she's smoking. I hear her on the side of the highway.

Speaker 1 Every other hour we do a nature walk. Why do we have to do that? You know, why is that? I don't want to go on a long nature walk on the side of the highway.
You're going to do it.

Speaker 1 You're going to like it.

Speaker 1 It's really forcing your agenda, man.

Speaker 1 We do. She can't even do it like for real.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's so nice.

Speaker 1 She doesn't have it in her. Now, you don't have an immune bone in your body, I don't think.

Speaker 2 I would love to just become a megalomaniac and go crazy.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 I don't think you would feel guilty at that.

Speaker 2 I think I'd feel too guilty. But it'd be kind of funny.

Speaker 1 Him and I can do it. For like a day.
I mean, can. We have.
Do. We do.
Here we are.

Speaker 1 No, I think the meanest thing that we've done so far on the tour is make sometimes when Bobby gets frustrated with Carlos, he'll make him run alongside the bus. And I don't think that's nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm in good shape right now. I got to tell you, you've lost some great weight on the tour, and you look really thin and tight.
Thank you. And maybe, perhaps that's working, Bob.

Speaker 1 I think maybe that's a workout plan. I think he wants me thin and like...
Oh, so like you're trying to shape me into like a sculpted young man or something. Like you want me to look good.
You. Me?

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about? But you keep trying to get me to run outside the bus and sometimes. Because I don't want to be around you.

Speaker 1 That's so rude. Can I just say another thing? All right, what? Oh, I don't want.

Speaker 1 No, it's like you'll get upset.

Speaker 1 Try. A couple of girls told me that you smell.

Speaker 1 They did not say that. Is this seriously? Are you being serious?

Speaker 1 What happened? Wait, in what city did they say this? Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Just in general. Oh, you had a couple.

Speaker 1 You got tipped off?

Speaker 1 They said it. Somebody got tipped off.
Is there any validity to this? I mean, I don't think I smell Bobby. What is this?

Speaker 1 You think if a piece of poo, a piece of poo goes, oh, I smell poo. No, he's used to the smell.

Speaker 1 All right, the poo is used to the smell. No, this is a conspiracy theory.
You're trying to knock me down. What? You're trying to plant this into

Speaker 1 my mind right now.

Speaker 1 No, this is a plan. This is very manipulative, and man, it's good.
I'm not being manipulative. Let me say something, right?

Speaker 1 When you look in the mirror, do you think you smell good just visually?

Speaker 1 See, I know.

Speaker 1 You think visually you smell good? No, I think visually I smell bad. Exactly.
Because you do. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Stop being mean to the guy. I'm not being mean.
He showers daily. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. It's inside.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it's a core problem. It's a core problem, though.

Speaker 1 I've never seen him. Look at it now.
He's flustered. I know.
Look at him. I fucking fucked him up.
That was pretty hard. I know.

Speaker 1 I made it up. I know you did.
I know, but why'd you get all flustered? Because I needed a way to battle it.

Speaker 1 Has a girl ever said something? Did this ring true to you? Because has a girl ever said something that touched close to this? No, that's why I was a little confused at first.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something. If a woman's, if you're with a girl, let me ask you, right? First date, and their breath smells weird, do you say anything?

Speaker 1 If you're on a first date with a guy and his breath smells bad, do you say something?

Speaker 2 Oh, I would not say anything, but it would bother me.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not on any dates with anybody, but

Speaker 1 in the day. No, no, no.
I would say just in present day, if I'm hanging out with somebody,

Speaker 1 just a friend or a homie or even like, let's make it comparable.

Speaker 1 Not a date, but like a work person I barely know that I'm trying, that we're doing business together, so that's a sensitive relationship and their breath smell. Yeah, I'd slide them a couple of mints.

Speaker 1 You would?

Speaker 1 But you would have to eat some first, like you were going to eat some. Yeah, you always go, oh man, do you want some mints? I just bought these.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because it'd be rude if you're just, hey, just eat this. That's not weird.
I don't eat any. Why is that weird?

Speaker 1 If somebody went, hey, here, have some mints. I would go, oh, my breath probably stinks.
I don't know. I don't know.
What's wrong with telling people that their breath smells? It's humiliating.

Speaker 1 It's humiliating. You know what's more humiliating? Has my breath ever smelled? Be honest.
No, actually, no. Yours either.
No, I never.

Speaker 1 But I would tell you. But him, yes.

Speaker 1 That's insane.

Speaker 1 I have some in my car.

Speaker 1 You know what we're going to buy now that he's got this whole thing about you? Obviously, that's what this is. This is a roundabout way of him saying he didn't like the way your breath smells.

Speaker 1 Is that true? Yeah, it is. This is what he's trying to say.
I'm not in on this, by the way. But we need to buy you Fisherman's Friends.
It's not bad. Look up Fisherman's Friends.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 These are the strongest breath mints on earth.

Speaker 2 I had one in Vancouver.

Speaker 1 Altoids are bullshit compared to these. Fisherman's Friends, by the way.
Wait, Andrew, you suggested I buy these. At the airport.
Yeah. So did you smell my friend? White Carlos? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 Do you know White Carlos? No.

Speaker 1 No, are you serious?

Speaker 1 Fuck up. Do you know white Carlos?

Speaker 1 No, because we've talked about it.

Speaker 1 He's Carlos.

Speaker 1 He tried to do the Fisherman Friends for you and fucking back over. No, this is not a plan.
I don't know who to believe. That is not true.

Speaker 1 You pick someone.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 That's fancy. That's not true.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't even do it. I was letting it go.
I smell it. I'm letting it go.
No. He actually fucking pulled it.
First of all, this is not true. Two things are happening at the same time.

Speaker 1 I did suggest Fisherman Friends because you said, what are these? I said, you know what?

Speaker 1 They're bomb-ass breathmints. And I said, but those that you bought were what? Lozenges.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 So your theory's wrong. Exactly what he said was.
No. The thing that you bought isn't going to help you.

Speaker 1 You need the full-on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you did, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's trying to sabotage me right now.

Speaker 1 You know the truth. You know I'm real, right? Carlos, look at me.
You know I'm telling the truth, right? Why would he bring that up? No. Okay.
You know why?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why. Let's move on from a minute.
They're canada

Speaker 1 no they're from can't they're in australia as well i had it when i was down there but but let me say this

Speaker 1 now that you have a gauge on people's breath yeah does her breath smell yeah oh it doesn't no never thank god yeah but you're very you're very tooth uh you're very tooth conscious i can see you brush you floss your teeth are nice yeah i mean i have a list i had an excellent like i have literally a list of people that stinky mouths but stinky mouths yeah and i could never say it out loud i know i want you to say it right now we'll just blank it all out because i want to hear it no if you meet someone and their breast smells, it should be okay to say, hey,

Speaker 1 I think you might need to grab a mint or gum. And why can't that be something you say?

Speaker 1 You know what that is? Hey, you have something on your shirt. You have something on your face.
Why is that? It's the same thing.

Speaker 1 Why is it so bad? I thought it was normal. No, I don't think it is.
It's not. It's a big faux pas.
I think mouth is a thing. What's also the genitals, too?

Speaker 1 When somebody has stinky genitals? Yeah, you can't say anything with that. Depends on where you're going.
You guys take a fucking altwater with that fisherman thing in the back.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to put this Fisherman thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't do that. No, you're good.
Yeah. Let's just put it.
Here, let me pop.

Speaker 1 By the way, it depends on how far along in the relationship that you are. Oh, that's true.
But if you're a first date, you can't say it. I got to tell you, if I ever got single again, I would.

Speaker 2 Okay. On a first date? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, you're at an age now. You certain point.
There's no games anymore.

Speaker 2 You're like, your breath stinks and your dick stinks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. By the way, if my dick stunk, I'd want to know.

Speaker 1 You'd want to know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd want someone to be like, you kind of stink. I'd be like, shit, okay, let me shower up.
Let me clean up. Yeah.
Let me get fit for you. But then the shower, you'd be like, fuck, man.

Speaker 1 For real. But can I tell you something?

Speaker 1 Much like your parent doing a thing to you that embedded in your mind, you'd never have a stinky dick ever again, would you? You'd think about it all the time. And you'd hold it.

Speaker 1 You'd smell it before you went.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 1 If you went on a date with a girl, you like her. It's like you connect.
She's funny, hot, everything. Love her.
Right.

Speaker 1 Two or three dates in, she's back at your place. You guys are making out.
And then she's like, wait a second. And she takes her leg off.

Speaker 1 Her own leg? Like a complete leg. Her right or left leg.
Is this like Deuce Bigelow? Yeah, Deuce Bigelow, yeah. Was that in that movie? I don't remember that movie.
Yeah, yeah. She takes a leg off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What would you do?

Speaker 1 You know, I'm fine. You know,

Speaker 1 no, it's fine. I mean, it's just fine.
Where are you going to put it?

Speaker 1 On the mantle. Oh.
Above the fireplace. Above the fireplace.

Speaker 1 Nothing I I've got. Yeah.
I wouldn't mind. Would you say anything, though? No,

Speaker 1 that's a loose leg. No.
You have to say something. What are you going to say?

Speaker 1 You know, on your tender profile. You had two legs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You got new legs.
You got new legs. Yeah, yeah.
I think that wouldn't bother me. Okay.
Okay. An arm would be a little bit alarming.
Okay. If somebody popped off an arm.

Speaker 1 You would know that in the date, though. No, you would not.
If they have a long-sleeve shirt on, how would I know? Okay. You have no idea.
Yeah. If you pop off an arm, I'd go, ooh, ah.

Speaker 1 That one would be a little bit more hindering for some reason. What's worse, eyeball or leg?

Speaker 1 Eyeball. Eyeball.
Eyeball for sure. Is worse? Yeah, if someone pops on a fucking eyeball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, leg's not that bad.
By the way, that opens up some more room for you.

Speaker 1 That's true. That's not a problem at all.
Yeah, but like if you have one leg here, right, and you're trying to... Oh.

Speaker 1 Seeds! Seeds DSO1 daily symbiotic supports healthy regularity, healthy motility, and ease of evacuation. I got to tell you, everyone poops, right, Bob? You poop, I poop.

Speaker 1 Almost everybody on this show poops except for Pete, and that's okay. We've talked about it to him because he needs seed, all right?

Speaker 1 And I got to tell you, you want healthy movements, you want to promote digestive health for healthy regularity and the ease of bloating.

Speaker 1 You want reinforced healthy stool hydration and ease of evacuation. There's no good way to talk about this, but you want to be clean and feel healthy and all the way pushed through.

Speaker 1 Well, DSO1 Daily Symbiotic has that for you.

Speaker 1 Seeds capsule in capsule via cap safeguards viability through digestion for for delivery of an average of 100% of our probiotic starting dose to your colon.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, I've been using some seed and I feel good. I'm not joking.
I drink it in the morning. I have my little coffee.
And boy, oh boy, do I get movers?

Speaker 1 It is really good. Seed's DSO1 Daily Symbiotic has four specific probiotic strains that have been shown to promote healthy skin and reinforce a healthy gut skin access.
I want that.

Speaker 1 I want clean, sparkly, shiny skin when we're on the road in front of our fans, and I also want my gut to feel good and be empty and clean. Start a new healthy habit today.

Speaker 1 Visit seed.com slash bad friends and use code bad friends to redeem 25% off your first month of C's DSO1 daily synbiotic. That's seed.com/slash bad friends and use that code bad friends.

Speaker 1 Seed.com/slash bad friends code is bad friends.

Speaker 1 If you had to lose a limb, what are you losing?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Well, if the universe was like, you're going to have to lose a limb right now to stay alive, we're going to take one from you. What are considered limbs?

Speaker 1 You're a a four. Can I tell you something? You're a limb? No.
Why?

Speaker 1 It's an ear.

Speaker 1 It sticks out. It's an ear.
I know.

Speaker 1 What's the definition of a limb on a human body? But it's just arms and legs. Let me just see the definition real quick.
The only exception is a bat's wing. An arm? Bird's wing.

Speaker 1 Arm and leg of a person or a four-legged animal. So it's your arms and your legs.
Those are your limbs. Which limbs are you? Or a wing? Well, you don't have wings, buddy.
Okay.

Speaker 1 That's true. Sometimes I feel my tailbone in the shower, and I wish we still had a tail.
That'd be cool. I think about how fun that would be.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 You don't want a tail?

Speaker 2 It's too telling.

Speaker 2 Of what? Like, if you're happy, but what if you are trying to play cool?

Speaker 1 Oh, because your tail will go up with emotion.

Speaker 2 It'll be wagging and you'd be like,

Speaker 2 I'm not that excited right now.

Speaker 1 Because when you see a cat, like my cat Bojo, will stick his tail up and it'll start shaking. That's him saying hello.
He's stoked. He's stoked.
He can't wait to see you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then when it puffs out, they're like defensive and shocked and like ready to fight. That's true.
It's too much of a tell. It's too much of a tell.
But you could you control your tail.

Speaker 1 Maybe humans could adapt and control it. What I would love is, you know, a kangaroos, they can lean on it.
They bounce on it. Whoa.
Have you ever seen this? They use it as force.

Speaker 1 Kangaroos, when they go to kick, can lean on the weight of their tail and kick with their legs. That's how strong their fucking tail is.
It's a muscle. Interesting.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be nice. If you wanted to sit back and have a snack somewhere? Yeah.
Sorry, man, there's no seats left.

Speaker 1 I'm good.

Speaker 1 You lean back on your tail.

Speaker 2 My friend told me kangaroos have five vaginas.

Speaker 1 Six. Six? No, I have no idea.
Your friend insane insane i've never heard that before in my life do you know there's three vaginas isn't that crazy do you know kangaroos have three vaginas what

Speaker 1 bobby's going to australia one for babies one for sex and one for poopin i think that's like humans isn't it no no no i only have one interesting the common connection for three vaginas they have side vaginas sperm travels up these oh so they're not openings they're just

Speaker 1 you can't hit you can't hit it from the side

Speaker 1 or no let me tell you if she takes one of those legs off before you hook up

Speaker 1 okay middle vagina the Joey travels down. So the baby travels down the middle.
One, the side vaginas are sperm.

Speaker 1 That seems pretty logical. Is there pleasure for kangaroos? Any animal.
They love it.

Speaker 1 Dolphins have sex for fun. One of the male dogs.
Okay, so there's pleasure. Some animals.
That's cool. I mean, the one I learned about that will blow your mind is the female duck.

Speaker 1 What is it? Not only do animals enjoy the deed, they also have orgasms, some of them. Difficult to measure directly, but watching facial expressions, body movement, muscle relaxation.

Speaker 1 Scientists concluded animals can reach reach pleasure. I'll tell you one that blows your mind.
A duck vagina.

Speaker 1 Look up a duck vagina. This is one of the most complex things on planet Earth.
Look at this. It's a corkscrew, right? Okay.

Speaker 1 And the reason that they have it like this is to thwart off unwanted suitors.

Speaker 1 So a duck has an internal defense mechanism against other ducks' dicks that are trying to get in there, trying to get it. So it's a corkscrew.

Speaker 1 So they can unwind the screw for someone that they want in there. Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 Does it kick the penis out of the vagina? Well, the duck penis has to adapt to it. Look at that.
You can can see, zoom in. It is also corkscrewy.

Speaker 1 So it's like a key. If it doesn't fit in the key slot, I'm still calm.

Speaker 1 Just as long as I calm, I'm fine. Right? I mean,

Speaker 1 it's impressive nature. It's impressive.
So that's the, yeah, right. That's a duck penis right there.
Whoa, look at that thing. Whoa.
It's a corkscrew. Whoa.
You can open wine with it as well.

Speaker 1 I feel like Tony Hinchcliffe has a penis like that

Speaker 1 for some reason.

Speaker 1 Corkscrew.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. A little corkscrew, my friend.
Anyway, let's not talk about animal vaginas anymore. All right.
All right.

Speaker 1 How did we get from wherever... Oh, with the leg.
My left leg. You're going to remove your left leg? Yes.
I go to the left leg. So why left? That's interesting.
Because that's my weakest leg.

Speaker 1 My right leg is a stronger one.

Speaker 1 I need both the arms to play video games and to do drive and other things. But imagine you're...
Look, I'm not taking a shot at you. You're not that good at video games.

Speaker 1 You're good, but you're not that good.

Speaker 1 But if you had no arms and you play with your feet, you could be, you know what I mean? Like the special best of that guy. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 Wow. So that's the thing to think about.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 what would you lose?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm thinking arm only because we might have the technology to make a really cool Bionic.

Speaker 1 No, you're not allowed to do that.

Speaker 1 You can't do these asterisks in what would you rather. You can't do the million dollar man thing.
You're not allowed to do that.

Speaker 1 I want to shoot lasers. You can.
You can, kiddo, and we're going to get you some lasers. But

Speaker 1 you can't do it with the hope that it's going to get fixed. This is a permanent fixture.
You lose it. It's gone.

Speaker 2 I still think arm because a fake leg I could hobble up on stage, but I could still use my arms and stand it.

Speaker 2 I guess. Oh wait, no, then it would be leg.
It'd be leg. Yeah, because you need your hands.

Speaker 2 And I'd be really good at fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is.
I mean, you could fake perform with a fake leg. Or jeans.
What's wrong with the fake arm, though? Many people have fake arms. On stage? And you don't because you know.

Speaker 1 How would you know? What do you mean? They make arms that look, look up a good new age. You could tell, it's shiny.
You can't tell these days, dude. They're so good.
Look at that. Look at that.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Let me, let me look.
Let me look. That's incredible.
A prosthetic arm. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. First of all, that's a severed.

Speaker 1 This guy brings up a severed arm

Speaker 1 from Halloween. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, good prosthetic arm. Yeah, good.

Speaker 1 Because they're all like

Speaker 1 mechanical-looking. They're not human-looking.

Speaker 2 That's what I would want.

Speaker 1 A human one or a mechanical? A mechanical. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
But you know what you could get is a power glove. Okay, let me get the second.
These are really good.

Speaker 1 The bodyguards with the fake arms yeah the bodyguards with fake arms do you know about this yeah I know that dude that looks fake dad no it doesn't yeah who does that just all day long bodyguards okay that looks real to me okay there's it I can't even tell if it's fake see she doesn't know she never knew about this juicy doesn't know about the fake arm bodyguard because he has a gun pointed right here whoa

Speaker 1 Isn't that so tough?

Speaker 1 And he's going to kill Melania in that photo, but they took it right before they stopped him right now. Thank God.
Thank God. Isn't that crazy that that's what that is?

Speaker 1 He's got a gun pointed out at any moment. Could come.

Speaker 2 That's like the thing where you

Speaker 1 do the shirt thing. That's right.
Why can't you just have him out? I mean, that's not. Then no one would shoot.
I think, oh, that guy has a sniper. That guy's an ape.

Speaker 1 It's optics. They don't want people to get freaked out by this.
This isn't Russia. You can't just march around with fucking guns at public events.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but no one would attempt it if you had guns out. A bazooka? Imagine that.
Just walking down the street with a bazooka. The president's here.

Speaker 1 We're going to shoot guns in Texas. Hell I won't do it.
You are. You have to.
I don't know. They asked for you specifically.
Are you being real? Yes, they asked me. I'm there then.
Okay, good.

Speaker 1 They asked me for you specifically. That's shit.
Best trick of all. Who invented gunpowder?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who? Chinese.
Chinese. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's all I know.

Speaker 1 Because if they had the inclination and they just went further, like the white people did, because what the white people did was take the fucking gunpowder and go, no, we can make these weapons of war, this and that.

Speaker 1 The Chinese didn't do it. Okay.
What do you mean? Okay, what? Don't blame the whites.

Speaker 1 Don't blame the whites. Who created guns?

Speaker 1 Who was the first gun fabricated off? I guarantee you, it was China. The first firearms can be traced back to 10th century China.
Chinese, the first to invent gunpowder.

Speaker 1 Historians typically credit the first guns as weapons of the Chinese, okay? Cut it out. Don't fucking put that on us.
That's true. Yeah, you fucking asshole.

Speaker 1 How come they let people take over? I don't think whites invented any weapons, if you want to be honest. Chinese with guns, Native Americans with bow and arrows and spears.

Speaker 1 Bazookas were Filipinos, believe it or not.

Speaker 1 No idea.

Speaker 1 White people invited me to the bottom of the village. You know what we invented? Torture.
They have like torture mechanisms. We're probably the whites.
That's Western European chaos. Who, by the way,

Speaker 1 who invented the cannon?

Speaker 1 Because that's maybe the coolest fucking weapon of all the people. That's a pretty good one.
They were like, could we throw a bowling ball out of this?

Speaker 1 The cannon was invented.

Speaker 1 Chinese, dude? Oh, the Turks. The cannon.
Do the Chinese eventually started using gunpowder weapon in the 10th century.

Speaker 1 It's the Turks who get the credit for formulating gunpowder to high enough quality to be used effectively in combat. The cannon appeared in Europe beginning of the 12th century.
So it was the Turks.

Speaker 1 Wow, the Turks. God bless the Turks, dude.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. Put a bowling ball into that thing, shoot it at a boat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Imagine the moment they were shooting guns at boats, right? They were shooting,

Speaker 1 and it wasn't doing shit. It wasn't doing anything in the boat.
Yeah. So some guy was like, what if we have a big bullet?

Speaker 1 That was just some guy's like, how big? Like a bowling ball. Oh, I was thinking, ping-pong.
No, I wanted like a bowling ball.

Speaker 1 No holes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then you would have to light it, right? A wick.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. You know what's a cool weapon?

Speaker 2 Huh? The catapult.

Speaker 1 Sick. Who's the first asshole to go, shoot me out of it?

Speaker 1 No, you know what it was. Because they did right, Evil, Knivo, whatever those guys.

Speaker 1 No, you know how that originally started. One guy in the group that they hated.
They were like, will you sit on this thing thing for a second?

Speaker 1 No, not the catapult. No, didn't they put, don't human beings go in cannons? Yeah, Evil Knievel used to get a bunch of people.
That's what I'm saying. It's like, why? Because it looks awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it looks like a, I mean, it looks awesome. But imagine being in the tube, freaking out.
Freaking the fuck out. I mean, I think it's so rad that Evil Knievel had the balls to just do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Get shot out of a cannon.
Yeah. I mean, that guy, why come we don't have daredevils anymore? Yeah,

Speaker 1 Johnny Knox.

Speaker 1 Yeah, jackass. I know, but daredevil, but those guys aren't going off the side of a of the Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Yeah, but they're throwing themselves in front of crocodiles and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, I don't know. I want more like old-timey stuff where you like jump off a train.
You know?

Speaker 1 Right. You know, like the back, it blows up in dynamite.
You jump off a train. No one does evil kin evil.
Nobody on a motocross bike jumps, you know, 50 cars or whatever, like he used to.

Speaker 1 Like in the old West, when they hide, they tied the lady to the train tracks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine that death. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Train tracks. Oh, my God.
The fear. Imagine.
Okay. Here you are in the Old West.
Juicy is tied to the train tracks. Help, help, help.

Speaker 1 It says on the screen because you can't say that because it's not a talkie. You know? Help, help.

Speaker 1 Where am I?

Speaker 1 Where am I? The Wild West. You're in a way.
I know where. You're looking right at her.

Speaker 2 You're right next to me.

Speaker 1 You're 100 yards, a football field away. Do I have my switch? You got your switch.
All right, so I'm playing games. You're playing games.
All right, so I'm on my switching games. And a steam engine.

Speaker 1 Boba, drive a boba. You got to have a boba.
Because boba makes me tired. And

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 and the steam engine is rolling, right?

Speaker 1 And juicy. Help, help.
And look, there she is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I have my earphones on. Oh, you can't hear?

Speaker 1 And the train.

Speaker 1 Just, that's it. Yeah, and you'd let her go, you'd let her go.

Speaker 1 God, no. You know, I would help for like 10 seconds, but then once I realized I can't do it, I would run.
You don't know how to untie a knot. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I would say, though? I'm sorry. That's nice.

Speaker 1 When you say that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Farewell. Like, be very nice about it.
There was a guy

Speaker 1 in college. There was a guy in my town in Tempe who had a cow pusher on the front of his car.
And I thought that was one of the funniest things.

Speaker 1 You know, on steam engines, they have the sloped thing on the front of a train.

Speaker 1 It's a cow mover or a cow pusher on a train. But he had one on his fucking SUV.
That thing, cow catcher. Wow.
Because cows would just wander on the tracks. That's what that thing is for.

Speaker 1 They just move cows out of the way. That does? That thing on the front of its fucking steam engine.
that's what that's for, to just get cows off the train tracks. It would kill them, no?

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't. It like shoves them aside.
Oh, wow. The trains used to run over them all the time, so they had to invent this thing because the fuckers would wander around.

Speaker 1 So they would, but a guy in my neighborhood had like his makeshift version on his SUV. Oh, crazy.
And now that I think about it, that guy was, something was wrong. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought it was great in college.

Speaker 1 It must have been so sick.

Speaker 1 But he had one on his fucking Ford Explorer.

Speaker 1 It was kind of cool. I don't know why.
I mean, he he had mental health issues. Yeah.
I've never even been next to a cow. You've never been next to a cow.

Speaker 1 I've driven down the freeway, like, you know, when you're going up to like San Francisco or whatever, and you see a couple of cows, you go, look, cow. We need to milk a cow on the tour.

Speaker 1 I will not touch one. Why? I'm not good.
You don't even know. I don't even drink off good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do. Is it the same style? It's down instead of out.
Oh, I see. Have you milked a cow?

Speaker 2 I think in school, I did a long time ago. What?

Speaker 1 Remember doing that? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 It was elementary school? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, we did like a farm field trip, and you had to milk a cow, yeah. It's weird feeling, but you got to do it.
I like it, dude.

Speaker 1 I think it's rad. I saw a pig get slaughtered once, okay,

Speaker 1 live, yeah, it was terrible. Did you eat it? Yeah, I'm so hungry, so hungry, you know.
I'm not even like, it's not even a joke.

Speaker 1 I know, I was so Mencia back in the day, Carlos Mencia took me to Honduras, and one morning goes, Hey, bro, we're gonna slaughter the pig. Now I'm sleeping.
No, thank you. You got to do it, dude.

Speaker 1 It's experience. They tie this thing from behind, you know what I mean? And then they the neck and the and it's doing this thing.
And I just went back to sleep.

Speaker 1 I go, but that didn't make you stop eating pig. I ate it like an hour later.

Speaker 1 It was very delicious. I've thought about seeing animals and being like, man, I shouldn't eat meat.
Me too. But it's hard.
It's so hard not to.

Speaker 1 Do you think we can try to do it at some point together as a team?

Speaker 2 Going vegan?

Speaker 1 Just veg. Vegan's tough.
Fish. We'll do fish.
That's pescatarian. Okay.

Speaker 1 that's out. No, we can do that.
We can do fish. Yeah, that would be veg, not vegan.
I can't do vegan because I want cheese and shit. We do cheese, eggs.
Eggs. Yeah, yeah.
And fish is a pescatarian.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And steak at least once.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then maybe a couple times chicken if we're hungry for it. Yeah.
And I just thought of it. And turkey is fine, probably, right?

Speaker 2 And this sandwich form.

Speaker 1 Right, and ham sometimes and serve. Why don't we just amputate certain parts and keep the chicken alive?

Speaker 1 Like an

Speaker 1 organ donor? No, just a leg. We take a leg off.
Right. We eat that, but they're still alive.
I guess that's probably, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, you take all the limbs off, and we put them in a little, like, little, like a roly-poly thing with wheels and stuff. And do you think they can live beyond that now or no? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Aren't you? That's just, they're going to die then. No, they're not.
How do they get any resources? We feed it. So they have to just sit there and get fat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're like. That's not more inhumane to just stop.
No, they're like Stephen Hawking-y kind of

Speaker 1 chickens. You know what I mean? So chicken and wheelchairs.
That's what we named the farm, Stephen Hawking's Farm.

Speaker 1 Stephen Hawking.

Speaker 1 King's farm. And all the animals just have limbs missing.
Okay. Right? And we're not killing them.
Right. Give them great lives.
We give them massages.

Speaker 1 Why do they need to get massages? Because they're so depressed. We took their legs.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what? We should do kill them. What are we doing? Just kill them.
They can still have a happy life. If you fed them, you put a fucking iPad in front of them, show them fucking.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Something like

Speaker 1 what? Something. I just, in my mind, imagine giving a chicken an iPhone and it has a TikTok account in like a week

Speaker 1 and it's getting more streams than we are for some reason. Just an idea, guys.
All right. No, no, I like it.
Let's not kill it. Let's just amputate it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But let me ask you this. If you take one leg, who's eating the leg?

Speaker 1 I am. I'm starving.

Speaker 2 Okay, so he gets a leg. Right.

Speaker 1 You want a leg to get one chicken. There's other chickens.
There's millions. There's millions of chickens.
We looked this up one time on the show. How many chickens are on earth?

Speaker 1 There's millions of chickens, man. There's way too many.

Speaker 1 This is why I don't feel bad. 33 billion.

Speaker 2 Wow. Are there supposed to be that many, or are we just breeding them to eat them?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I got to tell you, that's the most populous bird in the world. The conditions that he live in is terrible.
I mean, we got to fucking do something, man.

Speaker 1 Well, what should we look at that?

Speaker 1 That's fucking Oshawitz for animals, man. Oh, I can't eat chicken.
It's fucking terrible.

Speaker 1 I mean, think about it. It's fucking terrible, man.
Yeah, but they might like it. No, they don't.
They don't like it. They don't like it.
I promise you they don't like it.

Speaker 1 Have you talked to a chicken? I have. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 And they go,

Speaker 1 they hate it. It is bad.
It's so bad. Okay, let's move to something that's more, a little bit more happy.

Speaker 1 Ben Affleck speaking Spanish sounds great.

Speaker 1 I got to tell you, that's going to turn me bright on. Would you learn a language for a girl?

Speaker 1 No. Ladies, no, never.
I just wouldn't be able to do it. I can barely speak English.
You know, I can't even pronounce certain words. Would you learn a different language for a guy?

Speaker 1 If a guy was like, let's say you met like an El Salvadorian kid or something.

Speaker 2 And I fell in love?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't fucking know how deep you are in this thing.

Speaker 2 It's just getting started. Yeah, if I fell in love with somebody, I would learn their language.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm just saying, not love. You liked them.
This is going on for a couple months now. And he's like, Jetki,

Speaker 1 I enjoy time with you. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Does he have Down syndrome too?

Speaker 1 I said he was El Salvador. All right, my bad.

Speaker 1 I love my time with you.

Speaker 1 Will you

Speaker 1 learn my language? Maybe

Speaker 1 while I learn English? Will you learn my language?

Speaker 2 I'm going to stop you right there. I can't understand anything you're saying.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 2 I'm going to learn your language.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 She's willing to give. She's willing to give.
What about you? You met, you're not married. Yeah.
You met a beautiful woman. Oh, gorgeous, huh? Connected.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But she's from

Speaker 1 a tribe in Africa.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Would you learn the

Speaker 1 clicks? Yeah, the clicks.

Speaker 1 You better believe it.

Speaker 1 You know what it is with me? You know what it is if I was single and

Speaker 1 I was trying to fall for somebody? Yeah. Depends on the language.
Oh, I see. If it's a hot, you know, French girl, yeah.
Yeah, that's a sexy language. That's a sexy language, yeah.
If it's German,

Speaker 1 probably not. Yeah.
I'm probably going to stick to English because of all the atrocities and crimes that they had towards humanity. Vietnamese.

Speaker 1 No, I can't. I can't do it.

Speaker 1 Cannot. I'm going to get in trouble.
Oh, my God. No, you won't.

Speaker 1 Really? No, but I think it depends on the language. I think that's my point.
It depends on the the language. Yeah, that's true.
You know, like Portuguese, Portuguese, beautiful.

Speaker 1 Like, I wish I could learn. Let's learn that.
Yeah. I do that.
It just depends. You know, like Canadian, I try.
If I fell in love with a Canadian, I can learn their language. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's French or English. Canadians? Yeah.
That's like a whole different language up there. We were just there, dude.

Speaker 1 You communicated with those people. Yeah.
I couldn't understand a word that they were saying. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, go over there, bad, god, bad. I didn't understand a thing.

Speaker 1 Not a thing. Yeah, yeah.
I want to show you a text message that I got.

Speaker 1 This is a little humble brag, but it's made me feel good. It was nice to get this.
Hey, you probably don't remember this. But one time I was working with you and I was poor as fuck at the time.

Speaker 1 I was wearing beat-up shoes. And you looked at me and you said, player needs a new pair of shoes.
And a couple of days later, you came back and gave me a few pairs of circa skate shoes.

Speaker 1 Just wanted to say, congrats on all your success. Times are much better for me now.
And wanted to say, thank you so much. Stoked to see you're doing well.

Speaker 1 And then he sent a link to his band that he plays in. But I thought that I was like, oh man, that makes it going to make me cry, man.
But he remembered it. And I was like, and I didn't.

Speaker 1 I didn't remember it. Yeah.
But it wasn't because that's the thing I'm saying. It's like, it's not for you to remember.
It's you did the cool thing. They'll remember it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember Annie Wharton. She may not remember me fucking that, no, even know who I am.
Yeah. But she was nice for no reason and was like, those guys suck.
Yeah. You're cool, man.
Don't fucking.

Speaker 1 Can I tell one last one then? Jimmy Schubert. Yeah.
I moved here from L.A. LA, and

Speaker 1 I have no place to live because a guy lied to me. So for two weeks, I slept in my fucking,

Speaker 1 I had a truck with no window in it, and they let me park in the parking lot at the comedy store. Yeah.
And I would sleep in the front.

Speaker 1 And then one day, I get a knock on the window, the side that has the window because the other side didn't. Anyway, it was Jimmy Schubert.
And I go, hey, what's up? And he goes, you hungry? I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 He goes, let me buy you some breakfast.

Speaker 1 And I will always remember that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Those little gestures of like, of love and somebody being nice to you and kind to you.

Speaker 1 And then I remember years later, I was doing New Year's and I go, no, Jimmy has to do New Year's with me because I was kind of a name back, you know, with Mad TV and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 And me and Jimmy headline, we split the money. And then I got him a nice hotel room, not at the condo, but at the colonial.
Yeah. And I set it up for him.
He was with a girl and it was a fun weekend.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you never forget things like that. So what we're saying is, now that you're on the rise, you're becoming a thing.

Speaker 1 I know where this is going. Yeah, you better start doing nice shit for us.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for you guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I'm going to do.
What? I want you guys to have my bad friend's money.

Speaker 1 You got it. You got it.

Speaker 2 All right. I'm going to go to the store tonight and get it.

Speaker 1 Okay, good for us.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey,

Speaker 1 that's enough of that.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a bad friend.