Bad Breath Friends

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up to the Northwest. We go to Spokane, Seattle, Portland.
And then we end this West Coast run. And then we go to Phoenix, where my mom is.
Bobby Mama. I'm Bobby Mata.
And then after the big break, we go down to Florida and finish the rest of the tour. We'll go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com for those tickets. And we want to say sorry to our friends in Virginia.
Yeah, so sorry. We had a scheduling conflict.
And we had a scheduling conflict. It was stuff out of our control.
I am so sorry we had to reschedule. We'll figure it out.
We'll get back out there sometime, somehow, someway. It wasn't us.
No, we're going to make it up. We're going to make it up.
It was out of our control. Yeah, yeah.
So I'm sorry about that. Carlos' fault.
It's all Carlos' fault, Virginia. Blame it on Carlos, the glory hole king.
Go to badfriendspod.com for tickets. Badfriendspod.com.
are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends and we're back well we're back we're back with the boy that kissed the dalai lama there he is right there so how was it when the dalai lama kissed your tongue i thought it was weird it was a little strange he's a thick tongue did you see it juice did you see the Dalai Lama. There he is right there.
So how was it when the Dalai Lama kissed your tongue? I thought it was weird.

It was a little strange.

He has a thick tongue.

Did you see it, Juice?

Did you see the Dalai Lama kiss a little boy's tongue?

Oh, I watched it a lot of times.

Let's check it out.

I know this episode is going to come out way after this, but man, do I want to see this.

Yeah, yeah.

Give me smooch.

Give me a kiss.

Oh.

So weird.

Yeah.

So weird.

So weird.

Does the Dalai Lama have not people like other monks around him going, yo yo yo yo yo cameras Dalai cameras there's a there's a catholic church down the street we can go there well but look but look the funniest part about it is he didn't sneak it he stuck it out and led with it you know when you when you see someone go like this when you see someone like go to kiss someone they go he led with his tongue he led with the tongue you gotta chill out get there then look at he's tongue in the baby right you close mouth and then you dart the tongue in like a little arrow yeah he sparked controversy film kissing a boy suck his tongue what a weird he asked him well that's what namaste means oh that's namaste yeah yeah yeah people don't know what namaste means that's what it means suck my tongueuck my tongue. Suck my tongue.
Namaste. Namaste.
Namaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That being said-

That's a weird-

You think it's over?

No, no, no, no.

It's the beginning.

I think we're going to find out how many tongues he's kissed.

Right.

I think this is the Dalai Lama's thing.

That's my opinion.

Yeah.

Are they celibate?

Do they have to be-

Does the Dalai Lama has to be celibate or no?

Because then we got a whole Catholic church thing going on.

Pete, you say yes?

I say yes, yeah.

Pete says yes.

Carlos has no idea.

I say no.

Ultimately, the Dalai Lama has to be celibate or no? Because then we got a whole Catholic church thing going. Pete, you say yes? I say yes, yeah.
Pete says yes. Carlos has no idea.
I say no. Ultimately, the Dalai Lama who, like all Tibetan monks, is celibate himself.
Yes. So yes, said gay marriage was up to each government and was ultimately individual business.
No. Gay marriage is, no.
Come on, Dalai Lama. It can be a business.
This says he voices support. That doesn't sound like he supports gay marriage.
That sounds like he's saying, yeah, kind of. It's up to you.
If the local government says you can't. Yeah.
What he's saying, he's like, look, if they stone you, they stone you. I think you got to let them do whatever the fuck they want.
Who cares? That's insane. Gay marriage.
This is a gay marriage, by the way, you and I. What? This is a legal gay marriage.
Yeah. We've been performing together for how many years now? This has got to be under California state law.
They don't have that. We rent this place together.
I know, but I looked it up. They don't have it.
You're worried about it. I don't want to marry you.
Too late. I don't want to be legally fucking bonded to you.
Bum, bum, ba-bum. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Oh, there's going to be two versions? Mm-hmm. You do the American version, we do the Asian version.
Gong, gong, gong, gong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Juicy is back in the studio with us. Thank God, because, man, did we miss you.
Where have you been? You know, after that tour we've been doing, I've... Yeah, we've been on tour.
We've been on tour. So much, so heavy.
How much fun have we had on tour? Oh, I love it. It's been incredible.
I love it so much. It's been incredible.
Can't wait to do more. Yeah, I can't wait.
And can I just say one more gripe I have? Give me the gripes. I'll give you one gripe, right? I was driving down the street.
I almost had an accident because I looked at a billboard, right? They did another Peter Pan. What are you talking about? I can't watch another Peter Pan.
There's a new one. And you know the two things that whites do? Peter Pan every year and they make a Robin Hood.
I don't like any white people dressed in green. First of all, that's my ancestry.
That's my history. Leprechauns can do it.
Thank you. Right, but.
What's wrong with Peter Pan and Wendy? Every year they make a movie about Peter Pan and Robin Hood, man. What's wrong? Why? What's wrong with this Peter Pan? Why don't you like it? Because I know the story.
Look at that. That's literally our show.
That's you on the left. Yeah.
That's juicy as Peter Pan. Would you be Peter Pan? I'm hook for sure.
You're Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell.
Yeah, you are. I gotta be Tinkerbell.
Is Tinkerbell in this? Is that Tinkerbell? I don't know. The black chick on the right.
There's never been a fat Asian guy's Tinkerbell, by the way.

Can you imagine?

Yeah.

He'd have to take so many breaks flying around.

He wouldn't be able to fly.

He'd just be walking around with his wings.

A flightless Tinkerbell?

Yeah, flightless.

Yeah, it's the black girl.

Wait, who is it?

That's what's her name?

I know her, right?

Yara Shahidi.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Yara Shahidi.

No, she's famous.

She's really good. She's super talented.
Yeah. So she's Tinkerbell who's Pan who's playing Pan my dog who we got on Pan probably a black guy oh Gaffigan is in this that's right I heard that Peter Pan is a kid named Alexander Maloney oh so they went they went a different way what do you mean zoom in they went a different way I gotta be honest with you yeah okay you look at that picture of that gentleman yeah that looks like Tinkerbell to me yeah yeah yeah that totally looks like Tinkerbell what that looks like Tinkerbell why couldn't that be by the way why couldn't Tinkerbell be a guy why not that's true yeah if we're fighting all this equal rights shit then how come Tinkerbell can't be a guy? Thank you.
A fat Asian guy. Oh, so who's playing Rufio? Oh, different movie, dude.
Totally different. That's a completely different world.
You're involving two completely different storylines in a thing that- What about, is that Peter Pan? Nah, it is, but that's like under the umbrella of the Pan universe. Just like Hook is under the umbrella of the Pan universe.
Peter Pan is the star of this okay rufio exists hook exists but in this one the stars are you know jude law is playing captain hook in this uh-huh perfect perfect uh gaffigan's playing shmi which is amazing amazing no rufio because i don't think maybe they don't show rufio some love okay you know the rufio ruf. Rufio.
Rufio. You know that guy, that actor? I love him.
What's his name? Why can't I think of him? His name is, they're brothers. Because I used to audition against them all the fucking time.
Dante? Dante Bosco. Dante Bosco.
Dante Bosco. Yeah.
Dante and his brothers. I used to see them at commercial auditions in the 90s.
He's the man. Yeah.
This dude, he can rap, break dance. He can do everything.
He can do everything, dude. This guy, look at him yeah he's got it all half mustache half stache yeah you can't grow a real real beard though i know but he can't even grow a full mustache look at that get peppered in okay they paint it in there's that one oh yeah that's right okay so if this studio if bad friends became for real let's be honest if bad friends became Peter Pan, if they do the rendition next year, you're complaining,

but if they offered it to us, we would all do it.

Right? Okay, well, Pete would play

the boat.

Come on, man.

Well, you could float, right?

My name is Pete.

Who would be the boat out of us, this crew?

Alright, Pete's the boat.

First of all, Pete would be Shmee.

He'd be Shmee.

I want to be Hook. Peter Pan has got to would be Shmee.
He'd be Shmee. Okay.
I want to be Hook.

Right.

Peter Pan has got to be Juice.

That's got to be Peter Pan.

Even though he's a redhead, clearly a role for him.

You have to be Peter Pan.

Yeah.

And Carlos is going to be who?

Wendy Darling?

Or no, he's Mr. Darling.

He's Mr. Darling.

Look at him there.

Wasn't Mr. Darling bald in the original?

But also, can't we just like, he could be this guy, right?

Aren't there a bunch of pirates on the boat? So many pirates. He could number 14 let's hear your i want to be a pirate let's hear your pirate yeah armady oh no you're never gonna get the job by the way i thought you gotta fucking try not only did you not commit you didn't even try armady is that how you would do it we're serious about this dude we pitching Peter Pan, bad friends.
I feel like pirate number 14 doesn't really talk. And that's why- We're producing the movie.
We're gonna give you a line, fuckface. No, not anymore.
Not with that attitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think that's a line. That's just a noise.
All right, how about this? You can be caught chief. You'll be caught chief.
Thank you. Who's caught chief? What do you mean? Who's caught chief? Or slightly? I don't know much about it.
I think that's from Lion King. Yeah, dude.
No, dude. That's Peter Pan, my dog.
Caught Chief, look. He's like a native.
Yeah, he's one of the native characters. He's Tiger Lily's father.
I don't remember this story. Well, you should watch the movie again like I do every year when the Whites remake it.
But you're a Robin Hood fan too? Look, I liked Robin Hood, but steal from the rich to give to the poor. It's like the poor have enough.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Porridge.

It's so delicious.

No, no.

Keep the rich rich is my whole thing.

I want Robin Hood where he robs from the poor and gives it to the rich.

Yeah.

I want Robin.

I want the real Robin Hood robbing the hood.

Rob from the poor.

Give to the rich.

Give to the rich.

That's what I always say.

That's me too.

Give to the rich.

It's easier to rob the poor as well. Way easier.
They don't have security. You know what I mean? Right? You know what I mean? They don't have much.
So it's like, yeah. Let's do a real Robin Hood.
Yeah. And then who do we give it to? Elon Musk? You got to give to someone that's struggling, you know? Someone like Gates or somebody like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gates or...
Someone that needs it. Yeah.
I read read a thing today that's a very it was obviously from a conservative post and it said bill gates's private jet in one flight causes more carbon emissions than your entire lifetime of of the vehicle that you own the car that you own wow look that up bill gates says flying in a private jet doesn't make him part of the problem because he invests billions into fighting climate change oh i have black friends that's what that is yeah but i have black friends yeah all that means to me all this really says to me is get rid of your car let's all have a jet yeah you think what bill gates dies and i died at the same time that we would be waiting in the same line at the pearly gates or is he treated differently you think you're going to the gates well i'm just assuming bill gates to the gates i don't go to the gates he's named after the gates do i get do we get stuck around you probably had know someone that will sneak you in totally 100 you for sure for sure yeah for sure i know people where am i though in line this yeah yeah bob bob yeah and you go and no i'll be like i i don't i don't think i know him i don't'll be like, hey. What about, would you let Jetsky in? I'd already be in.
I'd be like, these guys are good. Oh, thank you.
And that's really confident of you. Yeah, yeah.
That's really confident. I would probably let, maybe her in, yeah.
I would let, Who evil would you let in? If you could sneak people into the pearly gates, who would be someone that shouldn't get in, that they're in the purgatory line? Oh, God. I mean, because I want to make movies out there.
Oh, you do want to pick me in the afterlife? I mean, yeah. I think I'm going to try my hand at directing in heaven.
So who are you sneaking in? Space dog. We have to produce it.
You got it. Yes, that's true.
Harvey Harvey wants to see. You know what I mean? And there's some comedy elements, Bill Cosby.

Roman Polanski, would you let him in?

Oh, yeah, he'll direct a little series.

I can promise he can get the second movie.

But just only to be creative.

Juice, who would you let in?

If you could sneak in some people that you know don't deserve to be in,

but you'd let someone in, who would you have to sneak in?

Who would you be okay with being like,

look, you gotta let him in.

It's like Michael Jackson. He doesn't, come on, man.
Is Stephen Hawking still alive? Nope. No, he's dead, right? Did he die? Yeah, he's dead.
I'd let him in. You would.
He's already in. Why would he not be in? Why would Stephen Hawking not be in? I don't know, man.
Why, because he's twisted? Well, because I don't think it's wheelchair accessible. I don't think it's wheelchair accessible.
Yeah, it's a stairway to heaven. It's a stairway.
Just like the song. It's so, yeah.
It's a stairway to heaven. It is.
Oh, before we get too far off, I have an announcement to make. Oh, shit.
I got a text message. From who? From the big Q at the comedy store, from Quincy.
They finally got those pictures. I know.
I've been getting texts from Dorman all day. Well, I didn't get any texts from anybody but Quincy.
I told them to thank you guys.

No, they all came up to me and went, thank you so much.

I mean, they were so great.

Finally, the show that we did for charity finally got paid to the door people, the men

and women of the comedy store.

I did not get any texts other than from Q, but thank you to Quincy.

I'm going today after this podcast.

I just haven't been to the store since.

I actually haven't been since I left for Australia. So I haven't been in what? Months.
Three months. Yeah, four months.
So I haven't gone back, but I did hear that they got paid. So thank you for the Comedy Store for being our home club, our palace, and giving back to the people that we wanted to give back to because that's what Bad Friends does.
We give back. Isn't that true? We do.
We do. We do.
So thank you yeah and uh and i hope everyone uses it for

something that they need you didn't get any i'm i'm going to oh you're gonna get a check you guys told me to she was still a door person when we when we did that whole deal i still am a door person give it to somebody else all right no no no let her have it she just got a new apartment give us an update on the new apartment by the way oh i love it but they're evicting my neighbor Is that why you love it?

Well, I'm gonna love it even more soon

But she does like weird things like put plays her music really loud at night and she's getting evicted because i think she stole some packages from what are you my dad i'm not evicting her slow down snitch plays music at night like like someone that's cool and steals like a cool person what are you not what do you don this person? I'm just relaying the message. Is it electric guitar or just acoustic guitar? The speaker is loud.
Oh, she's not playing it herself. Well, she says it's like religious music.
But I'm like, who's got to pray that? Yeah. They don't sound like that.
It's like... I think that's Coptic Christian.
I think it's a new... I think that's a whole new thing that they do listen to like EDM now.
Yeah. It's...
You see these... I went to church a couple months ago because I met that girl.
I met a girl and she's a Christian. I went to church.
Do you know that? You told me, but I don't think you really went. You actually went? I literally went.
I wore a suit and everything. What church did you go to? It's called...
I don't want to see...'t want to Because I'm about to rip on them Okay Yeah yeah yeah Well Can we beep it? Yeah it's called Church or something like that Oh dude This is one of those New age weirdo churches Yeah But here Their music Do you know how Christian music used to be Kind of bad. When? Oh, throughout history.

When was it bad?

You'd love it?

Bathe in the blood of Jesus.

I love that stuff.

Oh, you do?

I love that stuff.

Okay, well, you know,

they're doing now like a Lumineers kind of sound.

Like, you know what I mean?

We have the guitars out.

Like, hey!

You know what I mean?

And I'm like, I want to go, hacky!

Yeah, pray something new!

You know what I mean?

Like, I know what you're doing! You're trying to hip it up You know for the youth Right but it's like Lumineers bro What's wrong with Hipping it up for the kids Create your own shit bro Okay Yeah I mean Be original Here's I have a vent Dr. Dog is playing My church this weekend There's a couple of good bands That are coming through My church this weekend Yeah I mean what mean, what's wrong with that? Here's why I'm not a Christian.

Can I tell you why?

Okay.

This is the only reason why.

Because it's like God can't go to Tom York and go, hey, write me a song.

Right.

Why can't God go to the best singer songwriters?

Right.

But he doesn't.

He always goes to like Creed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm crossing the line.
Scott Stapp is the best songwriter ever. Okay.
All right. To each his own.
What did you want him to? Who did you want him to go to? Tom York, by the way. Go to Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Go to Carano and like write us a song. Okay, I get that.
Maybe I'll like it. Carano would be a banger about God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who do you think would make the best, genuinely, the best rock song about God stuff? Like who could, not just sang a good band, but like who in their repertoire would make a song that would line up with like God shit? Well, if I was the producer, I'd say, you know, make it about God, but don't say God.
Allude to it so that everyone can like it. Well, like that song.
You know what? Like that song, Take Me to Church by Hosier.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a great song.

That's God shit, but that's a great song.

Yeah, that's a great song.

Take me to church.

I know that song.

I have it.

Sing it.

Take me to church.

Saturday night.

Begin a bite.

Aloha.

Hee, ha, ho, ha, na.

Go ahead.

Da, na.

Yeah. Yeah, right.
Something like that, right? That's it. Take me to church.
Yeah.

Something like that, right?

That's it.

Take me to church.

You know the lyrics go.

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your life.

I'll show you my sins if you can sharpen your knife.

Offer me that practice breath.

Yeah, that's good.

Good God, let me give you my life.

Take me to church.

I love that song.

By the way, that's a dismantling of Catholicism. That song is so powerful.
That's what he's saying. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lives.
A shrine of your lives. I'll tell you my sins.
You can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death.
Good God, let me give you my life. It's a great poking the bear of the church.
That's one of my favorite songs. It's a good song.
I have it. Also, this is one of those things that your parents could listen to and be like, what a song.
They have no idea what he sang. I love it.
He's singing about God. Yeah.
Take me to church. He sang, someone wants to take him to church.
By the way, my dad made this mistake. I'll never forget.
Remember, Because I Got High? Remember that song? Because I got high, because I got high. Yeah.
Who sang that? Shaggy? I going to go to work, but then I got high. Afro man.
Afro man. My dad, I'll never forget, who shunned me for smoking pot most of my youth, one day was like, have you heard that song by Afro man? Because I got high.
And I was like, yeah, how have you heard it? He's like, well, listen to the lyrics. He tells you exactly why his life went downhill.
Because he got high. Yeah.
I was like like, no dad, this is promotional of marijuana. He's like, no, it's not.
Bring up the lyrics. Cause he says, I was going to go to work.
Then I got high. I was going to do this, but then I got high.
He's like, see, it's a downward spiral of failure. I was going to clean.
Well, he goes, I was going to clean my room. Then I got high.
Yeah. See my room is messed up and I know why.
Really? Yeah. My father my father thought this was like him trying to say hey man don't smoke pot you won't get anything done right i was like no dad this is him saying i was going to do this stuff my homework but i don't feel like it because i want to get stoned yeah he's like no you're wrong i'm like well however you interpret it that's how you learn music is going to mean something to some to other people and it doesn't matter because the writer doesn't have control over how people go that's why i like it yeah you know it's like remember when bruce springsteen admitted that he was like i never worked in a fucking factory do you see that on the documentary yeah springsteen did a documentary he was his dad did yeah but he was like i didn't he witnessed his dad do yeah he saw humans live these lives but he's like i didn't fucking i lived class life.
Yeah. I didn't work in a coal mine.

But he witnessed it.

It's around his world.

Yeah.

But it wasn't his exact, it wasn't his experience.

I couldn't sing about it because I don't know where a coal mine is in San Diego.

There's two of them.

Oh, there is?

Yeah, La Hoya has one of the biggest ones.

They have, really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, really?

We're going to be there.

When we play San Diego, we got to go to the coal mine.

Oh, I got to visit it.

Yeah.

You got to go.

We should go together. In middle school, we would go to dance and they would always play White lines But we had no idea What it was White lines And you're like You know 13 Into my mind Yeah You think it's like About the football field Do you know that song? You don't know what White lines is? I must have I must have heard it Well it's an older song But it's all about doing cocaine.
Hey! White Lines. You never heard of it? No.
What? That's insane. We're old.
You forget. I know what Moonlight Sonata is.
That was thousands of years before. You think she knows what that is? You know what Moonlight Sonata is? Yeah, but I went to school for music.
Oh, well, you don't know White Lines. I'm a little upset then.
We didn't learn that in trumpet class. I bet there's a trumpet version.
By the way, right now, you're learning White Lines to play on stage on tour. What? I got to practice on the bus? It's actually perfect because it...
In In school, what did they play? Like I did the dance. I can remember Rock Lobster too.
Oh, I love Rock Lobster. And then there was that thing where like, you know what? You go down.
Like the whole. Right.
And who. Like I saw the music video.
I didn't do that in the music video. Like who fucking made that up? We did.
That's the same thing as like. But we had no internet back then.
So how did the San Diego middle school contact fucking- Chicago. This is the beauty of before internet things got- How did Sweet Caroline- Dun, dun, dun.
That's not in the song. People say- What? Ba, ba, ba.
Everyone sings that. But it's not in the song.
What? Yeah, there is. Nobody says ba, ba, ba in the song.
I know, but that's the horn or whatever. I know, but people say it- Ba, ba, ba.
As if it's not in the song What? Yeah there is Nobody says bop bop bop I know but that's the horn I know but people say it Bomp bomp bop As if it's a part of the song But it's really not But it's the only way You would explain it to somebody That doesn't know it right Bomp bop You don't have a fucking horn with you Yeah but you could just go Oh then you pull out my trumpet You know there's a Bomp bop I know but she has one Well that's what she is She's a trumpeteer But I think you're losing your mind. No, but everyone else would go, Sweet Caroline.
No. Good times never.
No, no, no, no, no. That's crazy.
No, no, no, no. If you were going to explain to somebody, you would do the bop, bop, bop.
There's no way they would do that. You know the song.
Sweet Caroline. Good times never.
No, there's no way. So good.
So good. That's not it either.
And everybody yells so good. Yeah yeah that's what I'm trying to say I see we all add in our jazz we add it in our jazz so you know it was like Marilyn Manson when we went down and up that was just a kinetic thing that we all knew we did it okay it was like Marilyn Manson it's the rumor that got around before the internet that he removed a rib and could blow himself.
Remember that? Yeah. How did that get around before the internet?

Right.

It's just that was the magic of word of mouth before Twitter, before all the bullshit inundated us with nonsense.

You would just hear something wild and cool and it got spread around.

Urban legends.

Cultural urban legends.

I love urban legends.

Well, they're gone now.

I know.

No, it doesn't exist.

What's an urban legend now?

Seriously, what's something that you've heard recently?

No, because you could verify it.

Immediately you checked.

Interv I know. No, it doesn't exist.
What's an urban legend now? Seriously, what's something that you've heard recently? No, because you could verify it. Immediately you checked.
On the internet, yeah. You used to be able to tell big fish stories.
Oh, man, one time. Doesn't exist anymore.
Yeah, Charlie. Yeah.
Well, one time. One time.
One time there was a guy who went to my high school. Mark Bloman.
Mark Bloman. I've never heard of that last name, but...
Mark Bloman? Yeah. He was incredible, this guy.
He did four backflips on a BMX bike off of a mini ramp. Really? Yep.
Oh, my God. Landed it perfectly.
And both tires popped at the exact same time. And he stayed on? Stayed on.
Wow. Yeah, he sells insurance right now.
In Riverside. Wait, not X Games? No, he's not an X Games.
Oh, okay. No, he's got an ex-wife.

He's two ex-wives.

It's been tough for Mark Bloman.

Yeah.

Used to be able to tell,

used to be Big Fish Tales.

They'll never exist again because someone will go,

Google Mark Bloman.

La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks.

Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza

con el Ice Lavender Matcha.

Que lo disfrutes.

Tus Ice Lavender Lattes están

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That's pound 529 from your cell phone. that's for the people dot com slash bad friends or pound law pound five to nine from yourself that's for for the people dot com slash bad friends or pound law pound five to nine from yourself there's a paid advertisement what what what would they play at your school if you went to a dance like in middle school or whatever like um country country grammar uh like the sweat to the balls that's like it was all hip-hop it was yeah hell yeah that was all dude she's she's in the age range where that became the standard you still had rock that existed rock we had no black people in my school well that yeah they're gonna play fucking earth and Fire.
I think that's on your school's Wikipedia.

No black people.

Right on the Wikipedia.

There was like three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's like they're not going to cater the whole fucking dance for three guys.

Okay.

What's so fucking funny?

Because you're saying only black people like rap.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

You're right, you're right, you're right. It sounds weird.
Let me defend. Let me defend.
You're right. But my brother, you know, my brother is a rapper.
I know. You know that, right? Yes.
So I remember when I graduated, that his generation just started listening to hip hop. And then they told me to go by, you know, low end theory, go by, you know, and that's how I learned about it.
You I learned about it. What was the first hip hop song you heard that made you, as someone that didn't really love rap, go, I think I could get into this? It was Three Feet High and Rising.
De La Soul? De La Soul. Because it was catchy, right? And yet I could understand also what they were talking about, and I just loved it just felt such good music so good what was that for you missy elliot yeah yeah she was my favorite yeah it's my window i i can't stand who's got the keys to the cheap yeah that's an and people song by the way for those that for the older generation So that's what they did oh yeah hip-hop hip-hop that's what i mean that was me too but i mean we had rock and hip-hop what i didn't like is when we used rock at school dances from like my dad's generation there'd be like corny shit that would sneak in there something because the teachers wanted to hear shit oh why like what you know they want like they would like abba like shit like that where the fuck out of it.
I love ABBA. Fucking fuck ABBA.
Shut up. ABBA stinks.
I like ABBA. Dancing queen.
Dang. What? Dancing queen? Dancing queen.
That's a great one. No, it's not.
You can imagine dancing with dolphins. Dancing queen.
You know, she's wearing a dress of dolphins. Let me remind you.
Yeah. We have a hate group here at Bad Friends for Dolphins.
I want to remind you. Oh, yeah, that's right.
Bad Friends hate dolphin group. Yeah, yeah.
This is your dancing queen? Yeah. Dancing queen.
I love it. I imagine you didn't get a lot of dances, did you? I never went.
Yeah. Did you go to prom and homecoming and everything? Yeah.
Wait, you really never went to a dance? I did. I went to homecoming.
I was going to say we should throw a dance for Bobby. Oh, we should.
That would be fun, right? We should do homecoming.

You know what? Comics should do

a homecoming dance.

We should.

I'm being real.

I would love to.

Like an old school one

where people have to dress

like in the 80s or whatever.

Well, we do the reunion

at the comedy store

and that's kind of a thing,

you know?

What reunion?

Or the Christmas party.

The Christmas party, I mean.

That's not a reunion.

Well, that is like a reunion.

It's like everyone

comes back into town

and goes to the store.

Yeah, but I don't like

those parties.

You know why? There's always a group of people you don't want to see. You don't want to see.
No, you don't either. Who? I've seen you do it.
No, no, no. I've seen you do it.
Don't lie. Don't fucking lie.
I've seen you do it. My problem is.
If I tell the truth, you will get in a fight. Just admit that I know what you do.
I've been watching you. Right? I do the same thing.
So that's it. Okay.
okay there's a couple people that nobody wants to see i know there's you you'll walk into the club right you'll see four people together and you go around yeah okay admit that okay okay all right good okay but i still like to go no you don't no yes i do yes i do i do go to all of them you know know, I go. I go.
I go. Have you seen me or him more?

I've only worked there a year and a half.

Yeah, she's brand new.

I'll go.

I've seen Bobby more, though.

Yeah, yeah.

You've seen him more only because he stays longer than I do.

Yes.

I leave.

You look at the crowd.

I leave.

And you leave.

I pay my dues.

I say hello.

I kiss the ring.

I wish I could name names, but I can't.

It'll hurt people's feelings.

Sometimes you have to leave.

You have to leave. Sometimes you have to leave.
Because the worst is the worst are oh god I feel so bad even saying it I'm gonna say it we can cut it out really well Pete's right the worst the worst is you know and I'm a huge fan of comedy generations before me right and when I know when the old comics are in the parking lot they stay by one little location yeah yeah and they yeah. And they wait for everybody.
It's like, how do you get into the building? There they are. You gotta go through them.
Right, you have to go through them. That's like the troll at the bridge.
That's like, fee-fi-fo-fun. You must answer questions three to get through me and comedy history.
Yeah. But here's what I don't like.
This is what I don't like. I don't like the younger generation, like your your generation of doormen that don't know who they are I always knew who they are well but they couldn't that was 20-30 years before you do research no you think I know who Mort Saul is well yeah yes you do know who Mort Saul is do you know who Mort Saul is these are those legends you were talking about earlier yeah no he wasn't there I'm just saying it's like no but Mort is a part of that but i just kind of knew you know i mean who came before me and you know i just don't see a lot of that happening they don't give a shit they're looking for now not the past right good for them fuck them you know what we gotta we like kip adada you know what that is you don't know kip oh wow that's wild yeah yeah well you adapt or die basically but how would we know someone we don't know? What's that? How would we know someone we don't know? What he's saying is- Because you were on TV and stuff back in the day.
When we were coming up, you kind of had to know those before you. It was like a part of the system, but that's not how it is now.
It doesn't fucking matter. Even when I was your age, this is also what I did.
I go, what does Dave Becky look like? Yeah, I remember. Right, or managers.
And go say hi? I would either go say hi, or if I knew they were in the room, I would try to do a good set. Yeah.
Right, so it's like I was just kind of privy to who was in the business, behind the scenes, who had power, Pat Buckles. I knew what people looked like.
Yeah, you had to. Yeah, but your generation, because of the internet, you don't have that.
They're just TikTok-ing their way through town, baby. interesting and that's fine that's fine we're the old bones dude we're the old bones in the back of the fridge yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm the new blood new blood just the way you just said that you really bothered you're you've created a monster honestly this is all your fault truly i know you did this like i'm supportive but you really do you're feeding this little beast this little tiny i cannot wait i cannot wait to see how worse she gets on the tour she's already had demands so far on the tour for people that want to know what's really been going on yeah she has she makes the bus pull over because she needs smoke breaks yeah and she smokes and i can hear her mumbling on the side of the bus she's like fucking bobby piece of shit fucking bad jokes.
Oh, Santino, cool outfit, you fat loser. And she'll be saying this stuff while she's smoking.
I hear her on the side of the bus. I want you to hear it.
Every other hour, we do a nature walk. Why do we have to do that? Why is that? I don't want to go on a long nature walk on the side of the highway.
You're going to do it, you're going to like it. She's really forcing her agenda, man.
We do. She can't even do it for real.
Do you see that? I know. She's so nice.
She doesn't have it in her. You don't have a mean bone in your body, I don't think.
I would love to just become a megalomaniac and go crazy. Really? I don't think you would feel guilty, I think.
I think I'd feel too guilty. But it'd be kind of fun.
Him and I can do it. For like a day.
I mean, we can. We have.
Do. We do it.
Here we are. No, i think the meanest thing that we've done so far on the tour is make sometimes when bobby gets frustrated with carlos he'll make him run alongside the bus and i don't think that's nice yeah yeah but but i'm in good shape right now i gotta tell you you're you've lost some great weight on the tour and you look really thin and tight thank you and maybe perhaps that's working bob i think maybe that's a workout plan i think he wants me thin and like oh so like you're trying to shape me into like a sculpted young man or something like you want me to look good you me what the fuck you're talking about but you keep trying to get me to run outside the bus and sometimes because i don't want to be around you oh that's so rude can i just say another thing all right what oh i don't know what you'll get upset try a couple of girls told me that you smell they did not say that is this seriously are you being serious what happened wait in what city did they say this wait a minute just in general oh you had a couple you have you got tipped off they said it somebody got tipped off is there any validity to this i mean i i don't think smell Bobby what is this you think if a piece of poo a piece of poo goes oh I smell poo no he's used to the smell alright the poo is used to the smell no this is a conspiracy theory you're trying to knock me down you're trying to plant this into the audience's mind no this is a plant this is very plant.
This is very manipulative, and man, it's good.

I'm not being manipulative. Let me say something, right?

When you look in the mirror, do you think

you smell good just visually?

Visually? See, I knew it was a visual thing.

You think visually you smell good?

No, I think visually I smell bad. Exactly.

Because you do. Okay.

Okay. Stop being mean

to the guy. I'm not being mean.
He showers

daily. It doesn't matter.

It does matter. It's from the inside.

Oh, it's a core problem.

It's a core problem It's a core problem dude I've never seen him Look at it now He's flustered I know look at him I fucking fucked him up That was pretty good I don't think I'm dirty I made it up I know you did I know but why'd you get all flustered Because I needed a way to battle it Has a girl ever said something Did this true to you? Because has a girl ever said something that touched close to this? No, that's why I was a little confused at first. Let me ask you something.
If you're with a girl, let me ask you, right? First date and their breath smells weird. Do you say anything? If you're on a first date with a guy and his breath smells bad, do you say something? Oh, I would not say anything, but it would bother me.
I mean, I'm not on any dates with anybody, but I got to tell you- Back in the day. No, no, no.
I would say just in present day. If I'm hanging out with somebody, just a friend or a homie or even- Let's make it comparable.
Not a date, but a work person I barely know that we're doing business together, so that's a sensitive relationship, relationship and their breast smell I'd slide them a couple of mints you would but you would have to eat some first like you were gonna eat some yeah you always go oh man do you want some mints I just bought these right hey just eat this why is that weird if somebody went hey here have some mints I would would go, oh, my breath probably stinks. I don't know.

What's wrong with telling people that their breath smells?

It's humiliating.

It's humiliating.

You know what's more humiliating? Has my breath ever smelled?

Be honest.

No, actually, no.

Yours either.

No, I've never.

But I would tell you.

But him, yes.

That's insane.

I have gum in my car.

You know what we're going to buy now?

That he's got this whole thing about you? Obviously, that's what this is. This is a roundabout way of him saying he didn't like the way your breast smells.
Is that true? Yeah, it is. This is what he's trying to say.
I'm not in on this, by the way. But we need to buy you Fisherman's Friends.
It's not bad. Look up Fisherman's Friends.
Go ahead. These are the strongest breath mints on earth.
I had one in Vancouver. Altoids are bullshit compared to these.
Fisherman's Friends, by the way. Wait, Andrew, way Wait Andrew You suggested I buy these At the airport Yeah So did you smell my breath Do you know why Carlos No Do you know why Carlos No Yes Fuck off Are you serious Carlos Fuck off Do you know why Carlos I'm No because We've talked about it Are you serious Are you serious Are you trying to do The fisherman's friends To you In No, this is a fucking plan.
I don't know who to believe.

That is not true.

You piece of shit.

That is not true.

Oh my God.

Look at this fish.

It's not true.

I would never do it.

I'm just letting it go.

I smell it.

I'm letting it go.

No.

He actually fucking pulled it.

First of all, this is not true.

Two things are happening at the same time.

I did suggest Fisherman Friends

because you said, what are these?

I said, you know what?

They're bomb-ass breath mints.

And I said, but those that you bought were what?

Lozenges.

Exactly.

So your theory is wrong.

Basically, what he said was, the thing that you bought isn't going to help you.

You need the full-on Fisherman.

Yeah, you did, dude.

He's trying to sabotage me right now.

You know the truth.

You know I'm real, right?

Carlos, look at me.

You know what I'm real, right? Carlos, look at me. You know I'm telling the truth, right? Why would he bring that up? No.
Okay. You know why? I'll tell you why.
Let's move on from it. They're only from Canada.
No, they're in Australia as well. I had it when I was down there.
But let me say this. Now that you have a gauge on people's breath, does her breath smell? No.
Oh, it doesn't? No. Never.
Oh, thank God. Yeah, but you're very tooth conscious.
You brush, you floss, your teeth are nice. I mean, I have a list.
I had an extra. I have literally a list of people.
Of stinky mouths? Of stinky mouths, yeah. And I can never say it out loud.
I know, I want you to say it right now, we'll just blank it all out because I want to hear it. No.
If you meet someone and their breast smells, it should be okay to say, hey, I think you might need to grab a mint or gum. Yeah.
And why can't that be something you say? You know what that is? Hey, you have something on your shirt. You have something on your face.
Why is that? It's the same thing. Why is it so bad? I thought it was normal.
No, I don't think it is. It's not.
It's a big faux pas. I think mouth think mouth is a thing what's also the genitals too when somebody has stinky genitals yeah you can't say anything with that depends on where you can't take a fucking altruid or that fisherman thing i'm just gonna put this fisherman thing yeah you can't do that no you're good yeah just put it here let me pop by the way it depends on how far along in the relationship that you are oh that's that's true.
But if you're a stranger, first in a date, you can't say it. I got to tell you, if I ever got single again, I would.
Okay. On a first date? Yeah.
Dude, you're at an age now at a certain point. There's no games anymore.
You're like, your breath stinks and your dick stinks too. Yeah.
By the way, if my dick stunk, I'd want to know. You'd want to know.

Yeah.

I'd want someone to be like, you kind of stink.

I'd be like, shit.

Okay, let me shower up.

Let me clean up.

Yeah.

Let me get fit for you.

But then in the shower, you'd be like, fuck me.

Yeah.

For real.

But can I tell you something?

Yeah.

Much like your parent doing a thing to you that embedded in your mind, you'd never have

a stinky dick ever again, would you?

Uh-uh.

You'd think about it all the time. And you'd hold it.
You'd smell it before you get a while. Let me ask you this.
If you went on a date with a girl, you like her. It's like you connect.
She's funny, hot, everything. Love her.
Right. Two or three dates in, she's back at your place.
You guys are making out. And then she's like, wait a second.
And she takes her leg off. Her leg? or left leg is this like Deuce Bigelow? Yeah, Deuce Bigelow.
Yeah She takes a leg off. Yeah, yeah, what would you do? You know, I'm fine.
You know, well, I Know it's fine. I mean, it's just fine.
Where are you gonna put it? Where's the metal? Oh Oh Above the fireplace That's what I would like I wouldn't mind Would you say anything though

No

It's a loose leg

No Where are you going to put it? On the mental. Oh.
Above the fireplace. Above the fireplace? That's what I would put it.
I wouldn't mind. Would you say anything though? No.
It's a loose leg. No.
You have to say something. What are you going to say? On your Tinder profile.
You had two legs. Yeah.
You got new legs. You got new legs.
I think that wouldn't bother me. Okay.
An arm would be a little bit alarming. Okay.
If somebody popped off an arm. You would know that in the date though.
No, you would not. What if they have a long sleeve shirt on? How would you know? Okay.
You have no idea. Yeah.
If you pop off an arm, I'd go, ooh, ah, that one would be a little bit more hindering for some reason. What's worse? Eyeball or leg? Eyeball.
Eyeball. Eyeball for sure.
Is worse? Yeah. If someone pops out a fucking eyeball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, leg's not that bad.
By the way, that opens up some more room for you. That's true.
That's not a problem at all. Yeah, but like if you have one leg here, right, and you're trying to...
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If you could, if you had to lose a limb, what are you losing? What do you mean? Well, if the universe was like, you're going to have to lose a limb right now to stay alive. We're going to take one from you.
What are considered limbs? What? You're a four. Can I tell you something? You're a limb? No.
Why? It's an ear. It sticks out.
It's an ear. I know.
What's the definition of a limb on a human body? But it's just arms and legs.

Let me just see the definition real quick.

The only exception is a bat's wing.

An arm?

Bird's wing.

Arm and leg of a person or a four-legged animal.

So it's your arms and your legs.

Those are your limbs.

Or a wing.

Well, you don't have wings, buddy.

Okay.

That's true.

Sometimes I feel my tailbone in the shower and I wish we still had a tail.

That'd be cool. I think about how fun that would be.
I I wouldn't you don't want a tail? it's too telling of what? like if you're happy but what if you are trying to play cool? oh because your tail will go up with emotion it'll be wagging and you'll be like that's really smart I'm not that excited right now because when you see a cat like my cat Bojo will stick his tail up and it'll start shaking that's him saying saying hello. He's stoked.
He's stoked. He can't wait to see you.
Yeah. And then when it puffs out, they're like defensive and shocked and like ready to fight.
That's true. It's too much of a tell.
It's too much of a tell. But you could, you control your tail.
Maybe humans could adapt and control it. What I would love is, you know, kangaroos, they can lean on it.
They bounce on it. Whoa.
You ever seen this? They use it as force. Kangaroos, when they go to kick, can lean on the weight of their tail and kick with their legs.
That's how strong their fucking tail is. It's a muscle.
Interesting. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, that'd be really nice.
If you wanted to sit back and have a snack somewhere? Yeah. Sorry, man, there's no seats left.
I'm good. Yeah.
You lean back on your tail. My friend told me kangaroos have five vaginas.
Six. Six? No, I have no idea.
Your friend is insane.

I've never heard that before in my life.

Do you know they have three vaginas?

Isn't that crazy?

Wait, do you know kangaroos have three vaginas?

What?

Bobby's going to Australia.

One for babies, one for sex, and one for pooping.

I think that's like humans, isn't it?

No, no, no.

I only have one.

Interesting.

The common connection for three vaginas.

They have side vaginas.

Sperm travels up these.

Oh, so they're not openings.

They're just.

You can't hit it from the side.

Can you or no?

Let me tell you.

If she takes one of those legs off before you hook up, you're in good shape.

Middle vagina, the joey travels down.

So the baby travels down the middle.

When the side vaginas are sperm.

That seems pretty logical.

Is there pleasure?

For kangaroos.

Any animal. They love it.
Dolphins have sex for fun. Okay, so there's pleasure.
Some animals. That's cool.
I mean, the one I learned about that'll blow your mind is the female duck. And what is it? Not only do animals enjoy the deed, they also have orgasms.
Some of them. Difficult to measure directly, but watching facial expressions, body movement, muscle relaxation.
Scientists concluded animals can reach pleasure. I'll tell you one that blows your mind.
A duck vagina. Look up a duck vagina.
This is one of the most complex things on planet Earth. Look at this.
It's a corkscrew, right? Okay. And the reason that they have it like this is to thwart off unwanted suitors.
What? So a duck has an internal defense mechanism against other ducks' dicks that are trying to get in there, trying to get it.

So it's a corkscrew.

So they can unwind the screw for someone that they want in there.

Let me ask you something.

Does it kick the penis out of the vagina?

Well, the duck penis has to adapt to it.

Look at that.

You can see.

Zoom in.

Right.

It is also corkscrew-y.

So it's like a key.

If it doesn't fit in the key slot.

I still cum.

Just as long as I cum, I'm fine.

Right?

I mean.

It's impressive nature.

So that's the.

Yeah, right.

That's a duck penis right there.

I don't know how did we get from Wherever Oh with the leg My left leg You're gonna remove Your left leg Yes I go to the left leg So why left That's interesting Because that's My weakest leg Right My right leg Is a stronger one Yeah I need both arms To play video games And to do Drive and other things But imagine You're Look I I'm not taking a shot at you. You're not that good at video games.
You're good, but you're not that good. But if you had no arms and you played with your feet, you could be, you know what I mean? The special limits of that.
You could be the best of the foot guy. So that's the thing to think about.
I haven't thought about that. What would you lose? Well, I'm thinking arm only because we might have the technology to make a really cool bionic arm.
No, you're not allowed to do that. What? You can't do these asterisks in what would you rather.
You can't do the million dollar man thing. You're not allowed to do it.
I want to shoot lasers. You can.
You can, kiddo. And we're going to get you some lasers.
But you can't do it with the hope that it's going to get fixed. This is a permanent fixture.
You lose it. It's gone.
I still think arm because a fake leg I could hobble up on stage, but I could still use my arms and stand it. I guess.
Oh, wait. No, then it would be leg.
It'd be leg. Yeah, because you need your hands.
And I'd be really good at fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is true. I mean, you can fake perform with a fake leg.
Wear jeans. What's a fake arm though People Many people have fake arms On stage And you don't Because you know How would you know What do you mean They make arms that look Look up a good You can tell It's shiny You can't tell these days dude They're so good Look at that Look at that Let me look That's incredible A prosthetic arm Yeah That a severed arm.
This guy brings up a severed arm from Halloween. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, good prosthetic arm. Yeah, good.
Because they're all like mechanical looking. They're not human looking.
That's what I would want. A human one or a mechanical one? A mechanical one.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But you know what you could get is a power glove.
Okay, let me get the second photo. These are really good.
The bodyguards with the fake arms.

Yeah, the bodyguards with fake arms.

Do you know about this?

Yeah, I know that.

Dude, that looks fake, Dad.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah.

Who does that just all day long?

Bodyguards.

Okay.

That looks real to me.

Okay.

I can't even tell if it's fake.

See?

She doesn't know.

She never knew about this. Juicy doesn't know about the fake arm bodyguard.

Because he has a gun pointed right here. Whoa.
Isn't that so tough? That's awesome. And he's going to kill Melania in that photo, but they took it right before they stopped him.
Thank God. Yeah.
Thank God. Isn't that crazy that that's what that is? He's got a gun pointed out at any moment.
That's like the thing where you do the shirt thing. That's right.
Why can't you just have him out? I mean, that's badass. Then no one would shoot.
I think, oh, that guy has a sniper. That guy has an AK-47.
It's optics. They don't want people to get freaked out by it.
This isn't Russia. You can't just march around with fucking guns at public events.
Yeah, but no one would attempt it if you had guns out. A bazooka? Imagine that.
Just walking down the street with a bazooka. The president's here.
We're going to shoot guns in Texas. Hell yes.
I won't do it. You are to Why do I know They asked for you Specifically Are you being real Yes I'm there then Okay good They asked for you Specifically Holy shit Best trick of all You know who invented Gunpowder Yeah Who Chinese Chinese Yeah Yeah That's all I know Because if they had The inclination and they just went further like the white people did because what the white people did was take the fucking gunpowder go no we can make these weapons of war this and that the chinese didn't do it okay what do you mean okay what don't blame the whites don't blame the whites who created guns who who who was the first gun fabricated off i guarantee you it China.
The first firearms can be traced back to 10th century China. Chinese, the first to invent gunpowder.
Historians typically credit the first guns as weapons of the Chinese. Okay? Cut it out.
Don't fucking put that on us. That's true.
Yeah, you fucking asshole. How come they let people take over? I don't think whites invented any weapons, if you want to to be honest chinese with guns native americans with bow and arrows and spears uh uh bazookas uh were filipinos believe it or not no idea white people by white people you know we invented torture they have like torture mechanisms were probably the whites that's western european By the way.
I stand corrected. Who invented the cannon? Because that's maybe the coolest fucking weapon of all time.
That's a pretty good one. They were like, could we throw a bowling ball out of this? The cannon was invented.
Chinese, dude? No, the Turks. The cannon.
Through the Chinese, eventually started using gunpowder weapon in the 10th century. It's the Turks who get the credit for formulating gunpowder to high enough quality be used effectively in combat the cannon appeared in europe beginning of the 12th century so it was the turks wow the turks god bless the turks dude that's amazing put a bowling ball on that thing shoot it at a boat yeah imagine the moment they were shooting guns at boats right they were shooting and it wasn't doing shit it wasn't doing anything in the boat yeah so some guy was like what if we of a big bullet.
That was just some guy. Like how big? Like a bowling ball.

Oh, I was thinking ping pong. No, I want it like a bowling ball.
No holes. Yeah.
And then you'd have to light it, right? A wick. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. You know what's a cool weapon? Huh? The catapult.
Sick. Who was the first asshole go, shoot me out of it?

No, you know what it was.

Because they did it, right?

Evil Knievel, whatever those guys.

No, you know how that originally started.

One guy in the group that they hated, they were like, will you sit on this thing for a second?

No, not the catapult.

Didn't they put, don't human beings go in cannons?

Yeah, Evil Knievel used to get shot out of it.

That's what I'm saying.

It's like, why?

Because it looks awesome. Yeah.
I mean, it looks awesome. But imagine being in the tube.
Freaking out. Freaking the fuck out.
I mean, I think it's so rad that Evel Knievel had the balls to just do that. Yeah.
Get shot out of a cannon? Yeah. I mean, why come we don't have Daredevils anymore? Yeah.
I mean, we have like Steve-O and that kind of thing. I know, but Daredevil, those guys aren't going off the side of the Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Yeah, but they're throwing themselves in front of crocodiles and stuff. Yeah, it's like, I don't know.
I want more like old-timey stuff where you like jump off a train. You know? Right, right.
You know, like it blows up in dynamite. You jump off a train.
No one does Evel Knievel. Nobody on a motocross bike jumps, you or whatever like he used to.
Like in the Old West when they tied the lady to the train tracks? Yeah. Imagine that death.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
The fear. Imagine.
Okay. Here you are in the Old West.
Juicy is tied to the train tracks. Help, help, help.
It says on the screen because you can't say that because it's not a talk not a talkie you know help help where am i where am i the wild west you're in arizona i know but where you're looking right at me from her you're right next to me you're 100 yards a football field away do i have my um switch you got your switch all right so i'm playing games you're playing games all right so i'm on my switch playing games and a steam engine boba do you have a boba you gotta have a boba because boba makes me tired and yeah the steam engine is rolling right and juicy help help and look there she is yeah but i have my earphones on oh you can't hear and the train just that's it yeah you'd let her you'd let her go god no you know i would help for like 10 seconds but then once realized I can't do it, I would run. You don't know how to untie a knot.
I know. Yeah.
You know what I would say, though? I'm sorry. That's nice.
Oh, that is nice. Wouldn't you say that? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Farewell.
Like, be very nice about it. There was a guy in my college, in college.
There was a guy in my town in Tempe who had a cow pusher on the front of his car. And I that was one of the funniest things.
You know on steam engines they have the sloped thing on the front of a train. It's a cow mover or a cow pusher on a train.
But he had one on his fucking SUV. That thing.
Cow catcher. Wow.
Because cows would just wander on the tracks. I thought that thing is for.
They just move cows out of the way. That does? That thing on the front of a fucking steam engine.
That's what's for to just get cows off the train tracks it would kill them no no it doesn't it like shoves them aside oh wow the trains used to run over them all the time so they had to invent this thing because the fuckers would wander around so they would but a guy in my neighborhood had like his makeshift version on his suv oh crazy and now that i think about it that Like I was, something was wrong. Yeah, yeah.
I thought it was great in college. Yeah, this would be wrong.
So sick. Yeah, yeah.

But he had one on his fucking Ford Explorer. That's insane.
It was kind of cool. I don't know why.
I mean, you know, he had mental health issues. Yeah.
I've never even been next to a cow. You've never been next to a cow? I've driven down the freeway, like, you know, when you're going up to, like, San Francisco, whatever, and you see a couple of cows, go look cow we need to milk a cow on the tour i will not touch one why i'm not good you don't even know i don't even jerk off good yeah you do is it the same style it's down instead of out oh i see have you milked a cow i think in school i did a long time ago what i remember doing something it was elementary school yeah yeah yeah.
We did like a farm field trip. And you had to milk a cow.
Yeah, it's weird feeling. But you gotta do it.
I like it, dude. I think it's rad.
I saw a pig get slaughtered once. Okay.
Oh my gosh. Jesus.
Live? Yeah, it was terrible. Did you eat it? Yeah, I was so hungry.
So hungry. You know, I'm not even lying.
It's not even a joke. I joke I know So Mencia, back in the day Carlos Mencia took me to Honduras And one more He goes, hey bro We're going to slaughter the pig Now I'm sleeping No thank you You got to do it, dude It's experience They tie this thing from behind You know what I mean? And then the neck And it's doing this thing And I just went back to sleep But that didn't make you stop't make you stop eating pig.
I ate it like an hour later. Yeah, it was very delicious, but I thought about seeing animals and being like, man, I shouldn't eat meat.
Me too, but it's hard. It's so hard not to.
Yeah, we can try to do it at some point together as a team going vegan. Just veg.
Vegan's tough. Fish.
We'll do fish. That's pescatarian.
Yeah, That's out? No, we can do that. We can do eggs.
Yeah, that would be veg, not vegan. We can't do vegan because I want cheese and shit.
Could we do cheese, eggs? Yeah, yeah. And fish is a pescatarian.
Yeah. And steak at least once.
Yeah, and then maybe a couple times chicken if we're hungry for it. Yeah.
I just thought of something. And turkey is fine probably, right? And a sandwich form.
Right. And ham sometimes in certain parts.
Why don't we just amputate certain parts and keep the chicken alive? Like an organ donor? No, just a leg. We take a leg off.
Right. We eat that, but they're still alive.
I guess that's probably, yeah. Like you take all the limbs off and we put them in a little, like a roly little, like, a roly-poly thing, you know, with wheels and stuff.
And do you think they can live beyond that now, or no? What do you mean? Aren't you, that's just, they're gonna die, then. No, they're not.
How do they get any resources? We feed it. So they have to just sit there and get fat? Yeah, they're like.
That's not more inhumane to just stuff it? No, they're like Stephen Hawking-y kind of, you know. Oh.
Chickens, you know what I mean? So chicken in wheelchair. That's what we named the farm.
Stephen Hawking's farm. Stephen Hawking's farm.
And all the animals just have limbs missing. Okay.
Right? And we're not killing them. Right.
We give them great lives. We give them massages.
Why do they need to get massaged? Because they're so depressed. We took their legs.
All right. Well, you know what we should do? What? Kill them.
What are we doing? Just kill them. They can still have a happy life.
If you fed them, you put a fucking iPad in front of them, show them fucking... You know what I mean? Something like...
What? Something. I just in my mind imagine giving a chicken an iPhone and it has a TikTok account in like a week and it's getting more streams than we are for some reason.
Just an idea, guys. Sorry.
No, no. I like it.
Let's not kill it. Let's just amputate it.
Yeah. But let me ask you this.
If you take one leg, who's eating the leg? I am. I'm starving.
Okay, so he gets a leg. Right.
You want a leg too? There's not one chicken. There's other chickens.
Millions. There's millions of chickens.
We looked this up one time on the show. How many chickens are on Earth? There's millions of chickens, man.
There's way too many. This is why I don't feel bad.
33 billion. Wow.
Are there supposed to be that many or are we just breeding them to eat them? I don't know, but I got to tell you, that's the most populous bird in the world. But the conditions that they live in is terrible.
I mean, we got to fucking do something, man. Well, what should we look at that? That's fucking Auschwitz for animals, man.
Oh, I can't eat chicken no more. It's fucking terrible.
Think about it. It's fucking terrible, man.

But they might like it.

No, they don't.

They don't like it.

They don't like it.

I promise you they don't like it.

Have you talked to a chicken?

I have.

Oh, okay.

Cluck, cluck.

And they go, cluck, cluck, cluck.

They hate it.

It is bad.

It's so bad.

Okay, let's move to something that's a little bit more happy.

Ben Affleck speaking Spanish.

Sounds great.

It doesn't make me.

I got to tell you, that's going to turn me me bright on would you learn a language for a girl no ladies no no I just wouldn't be able to do I can barely speak English you know I can't even pronounce certain words would you learn a different language for a guy if a guy was like let's say you met you met like an El Salvadorian kid or something and I fell in love well. Well, I don't fucking know how deep you are in this thing.

It's just getting started.

Yeah, if I fell in love with somebody, I would learn their language.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, not love.

You like them, this is going on for a couple months now.

And he's like, Jetty, I enjoy time with you, buddy.

Wait, wait, wait.

Does he have Down syndrome too?

I said he was El Salvadorian. All right, my bad.
I love my time with you buddy wait wait wait does he have down syndrome too i said it was el salvador all right my bad yeah i love my time with you will you will learning my language maybe while i learn english will you learn my language i'm gonna stop you right there i can't understand anything you're saying okay you know what i'm gonna do what i'm gonna learn your language wow see she's willing to give yeah she's willing to give what about you you met you're saying. Okay.
You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to learn your language. Wow.
That's great. She's willing to give.
Yeah. She's willing to give.
What about you? You met, you're not married. Yeah.
You met a beautiful woman. Gorgeous, huh? Connected.
Yeah. Right? But she's from a, you know, a tribe in Africa.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Would you learn the...
Learn the clicks? Yeah, the clicks. You better believe it.
You know what it is with me? You know what it is with if I was single and I was trying to fall for somebody? Yeah. Depends on the language.
Oh, I see. If it's a hot, you know, French girl, yeah.
Yeah, that's a sexy language. Sexy language, yeah.
If it's German, probably not. Yeah.
I'm probably going to stick to English because of all the atrocities and crimes that they had towards humanity. Vietnamese.
No,'t I can't do it Cannot I'm going to get in trouble Oh my god No you won't Really? No but I think It depends on the language I think that's my point It depends on the language Yeah that's true You know like Portuguese Beautiful I wish I could learn Let's learn that I do that It just depends You know like Canadian I try if I fell in love with a Canadian I could learn their language Yeah it's French Or English Canadians? Yeah There's like a whole different language up there We were just there You communicated with those people Yeah I couldn't understand a word That they were saying Really? Yeah I didn't understand I see I see Not a thing Yeah yeah I want to show you a text message that I got. This is a little humble brag, but this made me feel good.
Okay. It was nice to get this.
Hey, you probably don't remember this, but one time I was working with you, and I was poor as fuck at the time. I was wearing beat-up shoes, and you looked at me, and you said, player needs a new pair of shoes.
And a couple of days later, you came back and gave me a few pairs of circus skate shoes just wanted to say congrats on your success times are much better for me now i want to say thank you so much stoked to see you're doing well and then he sent a link to his band that he plays in but i thought that i was like oh man that makes it gonna make me cry man but he remembered it and i was and i didn't i didn't remember it yeah but it wasn't because that's the thing i'm saying is like, it's not for you to remember. It's you did the cool thing.
They'll remember it. Yeah.
I remember Annie Ward. She may not remember me fucking that, know who I am.
Yeah. But she was nice for no reason.
And was like, those guys suck. Yeah.
You're cool, man. Don't fucking.
Can I tell you one last one then? Yeah. Jimmy Schubert.
Yeah. I moved here from LA and I have no place to live because a guy lied to me.

So for two weeks, I slept in my fucking, I had a truck with no window in it.

And they let me park in the parking lot at the comedy store.

Yeah.

And we sleep in the front.

And then one day I get a knock on the side that has the window because the other side.

Anyway, it was Jimmy Schubert. And I go, hey, what's up? And he goes, you hungry? I go, yeah.
He goes, let me buy you some breakfast. And I will always remember that.
Those little gestures of love and somebody being nice to you and kind to you. And then I remember years later, I was doing New Year's, and jimmy has to do new year's with me because i was kind of a name back you know mad tv and stuff like that and me and jimmy headline we split the money and then i got him a nice hotel room not at the condo but at the colonial yeah and i set it up for him he was with a girl and it was a fun weekend but um you never forget things like that so what we're saying saying is, now that you're on the rise, you're becoming a thing.
I know where this is going. Yeah.
You better start doing nice shit for us. Yeah.
For you guys? Yeah, yeah. This is what I'm going to do.
What? I want you guys to have my bad friends money. You got it.
You got it. All right.
I'm going to go to the store tonight and get it. Okay.
Get it for us.

All right.

Hey.

Yeah.

That's enough of that.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah