We Hate Dolphins

Speaker 1 Hey, bad friends! We're gonna be in Durham. Then we're gonna be in Charlotte, and then we're doing our Texas run, which is San Antonio, Houston, and Dallas, baby.
And Dallas, Texas.

Speaker 1 Come out and see us. Once we're done with Texas, we're going to the Pacific Northwest for Seattle and Portland and Spokane.
Then we're going to Arizona, baby, Phoenix.

Speaker 1 Go get those tickets right now at bad friendspod.com. Right now.
Bad friendspod. Badfriendspod.com right now.

Speaker 1 We'll see you out on the road.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 But you've heard of the Moonies, though, no. What's the Moonies? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are the Moonies? I don't know what the Moonies are. Tell us what the Moon is.
The Honeymoon Mooners. The Honeymooners is...
That's... That's

Speaker 1 an idiot. You're on a large one.
Are they called the Moon? No, you don't know what the Moonies are? No.

Speaker 1 The show The Honeymooners, I know what The Honeymooners are. It's a good show.
But you know what my favorite one? The Black One.

Speaker 1 The Jeffersons? No,

Speaker 1 The Honeymooners. With Cedric.
Cedric the Entertainer?

Speaker 1 They did a black honeymooners. No, they did.
I swear to God, they did. Wait, when? Years ago.
That's my favorite one.

Speaker 1 With Mike Epps? Mike Epps, Cedric, and who else is on? Who are the girls? I don't know. Gabriel Union.
Gabrielle Union. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, we're watching this on the bus.

Speaker 1 We have to watch this on the bus. We have to buy this on DVD to get it on the bus.
I saw it already. I saw it in 3D.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 To the moon, Alice. Yeah, it was named an avatar.
I just stayed at the theater all day. That's it.
Yeah. Just honey movie.
No, but the moonies were

Speaker 1 a Korean Christian cult. Let me see the moonies.
The Korean Christian cult, the moonies. The leader has a crown on that's made out of bullets.
I mean, I'm in. Moon is the man.
Look at this guy.

Speaker 1 Look at this guy. A crown of bullets.
There's no bullets here. Bobby, what are you talking about? Was this a fever dream you like? He looks like a Burger King crown.
Yeah, he does. Oh, that's what.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what it is. You know, dude, I think it's a fever dream.
Can you imagine if he got all this confidence while he was working at a Burger King?

Speaker 1 I can rule the people.

Speaker 1 And they're like, listen here, Moon, you just rule the grill. Okay.
You're not ruling anybody. Yeah, that hat looks like it's made out of paper.
Yeah, it does. It's a paper crown.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Boy, oh boy, is that a metaphor? How for religion? A paper crown.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but anyway, they were huge in America as well.

Speaker 1 And that's.

Speaker 1 Did you know any Mooners? No, but I tried to burn down the Korean church. Oh.
Hell yeah, dude. Did I tell you about that? That's always a good thing to say.

Speaker 1 Me and my cousin Andy, right, went.

Speaker 1 This is, you know, it's gonna sound like a lie but it's not okay and we um so we went to this Korean church growing up and um they one day my uncle caught me and Andy opening up the trunk of our my mom's car and my dad had a gas you know spare gas in there us having it and a lighter and we're gonna burn down half of the fucking church why would you do that we hated it with nobody in it though

Speaker 1 I think so, yeah. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 I think so, yeah. We were kids.
It's at the same time where I beat my grandmother with the stick. Oh, yeah, kid stuff.

Speaker 1 Burn the church, beat the old lady, kid stuff. Well, she was paralyzed from Nick Down, so she didn't feel it.
That's right. I mean, what kind of stuff did you guys get into as kids?

Speaker 1 I guess now that I think about it, we got in trouble for spray paint. We got caught for like graffiti.
Yeah. But that

Speaker 1 wasn't burning down a church. We didn't actually do it.
I think we were scared, but we had it. I don't know.
You thought about it. You went through the action of getting

Speaker 1 the gasoline, though. Yeah.
That's a big step. Well, it's not as bad as like, you know, shooting up a place.
That's true.

Speaker 1 Hey, look at me. Right.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just look at the bright side. That's a bright side.
What did you do? You weren't a bad kid.

Speaker 2 No, I would have friends like Bobby that'd be like so scared. They'd be like, come on, we'll just burn the church down.
And I'd be like, please don't make me do it.

Speaker 1 But here's why. Well, here's why it's not that bad.
It's your religion.

Speaker 1 It's your own religion. You weren't going to burn, like, it wasn't a hate crime because it's your own.

Speaker 1 It's like you wanted to burn down the thing that you were connected to because you were mad about it But not just that I was mad at the at the idea that you know Korean parents view their children as trophies

Speaker 1 right, so you know you would hear like at a party

Speaker 1 My my daughter Sue

Speaker 1 she gets straight A she go harbor, right? She's getting harbored by somebody

Speaker 1 Chabad. She's going to Chabad Chabad

Speaker 1 Harvard. Oh Harvard.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying the way they said it. I'm so sorry.
I thought you were saying Chabad. I'll do it again, and I'll try to make it more.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 My daughter, Sushi, get straight away. She's going to Harvard.

Speaker 1 Does that feel better? That sounds good.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
And then my dad would be like, they would.

Speaker 1 But imagine a conversation if they did that. Yeah, yeah.
My daughter, so intellectual.

Speaker 1 She's going to go to Dartmouth.

Speaker 1 It's like a movie dub, but they like didn't have enough money.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 We only have enough money for Harvard girls.

Speaker 1 So they what? They show each other off and the kids are trophies. And my parents never

Speaker 1 consolation prize. What? You wore a consolation prize? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I think some Korean people thought I was dead. Because you didn't get that.
That was never talked about. What about Steve? Because he got straight A's.
He did? Oh, yeah. My brother was.

Speaker 1 My brother had Bible passages on his wall.

Speaker 1 My brother's room, I swear to God, looked like John Doe's room in seven. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a red cross.

Speaker 1 Big red pill.

Speaker 1 And just like, it was weird. He was fully in.
He was fully in Christian. Christianity.
And then what happened is my brother lost state.

Speaker 1 My brother was ranked like four in the nation

Speaker 1 as a wrestler. Wow.
And he went to state, and I remember he just dropped the ball. And I remember him, it just...

Speaker 1 There was so much expectation and pressure, and he couldn't do it. I mean, he was a great wrestler.
And I could, that day, I remember seeing a switch in his eye, and then he just became a pothead.

Speaker 1 Good switch? Yeah, it's a pretty good switch. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you didn't damage anything as a little kid?

Speaker 2 I remember being late. Like, when we had a curfew, you know,

Speaker 1 timeout. You remember being late?

Speaker 2 Well, it was bad because my mom was like, be home at this time. And I think it became like a habit.
Like, I just kept.

Speaker 1 How late?

Speaker 2 Like, hours. Like, I would just disregard any rules.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're

Speaker 1 a bad, bad girl.

Speaker 1 Wednesday night, midnight, you come home?

Speaker 2 No, maybe like seven or eight, but I was in like fourth grade, third or fourth grade.

Speaker 1 What? Who are you? What were you doing in third grade staying out until 9 p.m.?

Speaker 2 We're riding my bike with my friend. Oh, hell yeah.
We weren't doing nothing bad, but I remember when I stopped because I came home and my mom and sister set up the Christmas tree without me.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Was that the payback?

Speaker 2 That's how I would get punished. It was like with guilt.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Did your parents ever give you the talk like what to do if like a van pulls up?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Ready? Two van guys.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on? Hey, can you help us with this couch?

Speaker 2 Like lifting it?

Speaker 1 They're bringing it into the. She's like nine.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What's she going to do with this couch?

Speaker 1 Because she's going to lift it and put it in the bed. You want some candy? That's the

Speaker 1 original one. You never sell silence of the lamp.

Speaker 1 All right, let's start over.

Speaker 1 Hey, you want some candy? Yeah. We know your dad.
You want some candy? It's no sugar.

Speaker 1 Is this 2023? No, I don't know. Oh, the candy's vegan.
It's vegan.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, you'll want it.

Speaker 2 But you know my dad?

Speaker 1 I know your dad. Yeah, Cliff?

Speaker 1 That's not his name. That's his nickname.

Speaker 1 It is?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, you guys must know him better than me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 hey, come in the man.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't have done that. No.
No. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, but I I remember one time we had this lake by my house, and I was hanging out with my friend there, Miranda. She was bad influence.
And we were probably breaking their curfew.

Speaker 2 And this guy was fishing in the lake, which now that I look back is weird because I grew up in Tempe, Arizona.

Speaker 2 There's no fish in like Tempe.

Speaker 1 There's no fish in the Tempe Town Lake. No suburban lakes.
Yeah, it's disgusting.

Speaker 2 But he like gave me a frozen fish.

Speaker 1 What? And I brought it home to my mom. She was like, we're not eating that.
Oh, really?

Speaker 1 You can't, you know, this is a, you can't raise your kids in Phoenix. It's just,

Speaker 1 you just can't. You can't.
I mean,

Speaker 1 lovely that you turned out so wonderful, but man, weird. You either turn out like completely right-wing or Doug Stanhope.
Yeah, or her. Or that.
She's like, she's like, you're like our Doug Stanhope.

Speaker 1 What's a female? You're like Debbie Stanhope. You're like Debbie Stanhope.
I remember when we moved from the suburbs, I mean, from the city to the suburbs.

Speaker 1 And I'll never forget, they were like finishing up a plate, like a window that go that was above our front door, like a little window above our front door, you know?

Speaker 1 And the kids-I'm trying to visualize, slow down. Yeah.
Say it again. There was a window above our front door, right? That like.
Oh, I see. So it's like, let me look.
I'm looking at the door. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I look up. Yeah, there's a what? There's a little like, is it like.

Speaker 1 It's it's big. It's a good size window.
It's a and but for birds to peep.

Speaker 1 For birds to look in the house.

Speaker 1 And a couple of kids in the neighborhood threw a big rock through it and shattered it before we moved in, like before we were even out there.

Speaker 1 And then we went to visit the house because the contractor was like, kids broke in and did a bunch of damage to the house.

Speaker 1 And I remember, I remember being inside the living room and being so mad because I was like, I do this stuff.

Speaker 1 You don't do this to me.

Speaker 1 Like I was a little asshole. I was like, oh, this is like the universe paying me back for being a little troublemaker.
I was like, oh. I'm going to find out who did this.
I'm going to kill those kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I'm not kidding.
I was so mad because I was like, they broke into my mom and dad's new house because this was our first house. Like, we lived in an apartment until then.
Oh, in the city.

Speaker 1 In the city. Yeah.
And then I was like, they fucked up my mom's first house.

Speaker 1 Oh, she bought it. Well, my mom and my stepdad did.
But I was like, this is the first time she lived in a home. Did you invest? Yeah, I invested it.
I think I put in like

Speaker 1 30 or 40

Speaker 1 marks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I remember trying to find out who did it. And then I found out who did it in the neighborhood.
Let me guess. Yeah, I guess his name

Speaker 1 starts with a B. Oh, Bartholomew Mew.
That's right. Right.
That's a name, right? Bartholomew. Bartholomew.
Bartholomew Simpson. Bartholomew J.
Simpson. Yeah, good.
He did it.

Speaker 1 And then the guys that I found out that did that, I became friends with.

Speaker 1 Of course you did. Of course you did.
They were the kids I got caught graffitiing with. It was like, as soon as I found out, I was like, you guys threw a rock through my mom's window.

Speaker 1 And they were like, yeah, I were just fucking around. I was like, cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was such a puss. I thought I was going to like fight these kids, but then I was like, I kind of like their vibe.
Yeah. And they were like skateboarding and they were smoking.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I got to hang out with these. Were you an angry kid or no? I mean, I think I always harbored a little bit of like,

Speaker 1 a little bit of anger. I mean, the fact that it was single mom for a while, then she met my stepdad, who was great.
Did you like him at first or no? No, I loved him. He was the man.
In the beginning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I thought he was so cool. He played basketball.
I love basketball. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He was like, he was a cool dude and was so cool to my mom. So I loved him immediately because my dad wasn't around.
So I was kind of, I probably was upset.

Speaker 1 A therapist would tell you I'm upset from my dad not being around. But I was also bummed because when we moved to the suburbs, it was a weird thing.

Speaker 1 It was like a, it just like shocked your core where you're like, I don't like this. I don't know anybody.
I would sit around. I hated that.
Like, I just didn't know.

Speaker 1 It's hard to go out and make friends when you're a little kid when you're the new kid and doesn't know. I didn't know anything about it.
I didn't like it. Yeah.
I just didn't get it. It's funny.

Speaker 1 There's a documentary called, it was a book too. It was called Meet Me in the Bathroom.

Speaker 1 and we've talked about it i talked about it with um jf last night you have you heard of it meet me in the bathroom meeting in the bathroom no no it's about um the um late 90s early 2000s music scene in new york okay right and the strokes yeah yeah yeah's interpol tv on the radio all these bands from book and brooklyn and manhattan and back then it's like they were just like all like just creative and crazy and on subways you know what i mean and just you know just acting young and going young and fun and i just i always knew that like when I grew up in the suburbs, like, this is not the environment for me.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah. You know what I mean? No.

Speaker 1 Because when I look at those kids, I'm like, no, that's what I would, you know, I'll be doing that. Yeah, you wanted to be a troubled teen living in the world.

Speaker 1 Missed expression and like, you know what I mean? Being like with like-minded people. Yeah.
I was with like Christians and, you know what I mean? And like weirdos.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. No, Christians are great, by the way.
I love them.

Speaker 1 Korean Christians, though. Moons, moons.
Moody's.

Speaker 1 Mooners are tough. No, but I just remember feeling like just bummed out, and I just didn't like it.

Speaker 1 And then my freshman year of high school, this kid, James Tickle, was the first kid that I became friends with because he skated and he was good, and he had a ramp in his, he had a little quarter pipe in his basement.

Speaker 1 Yeah. A little mini.
No, he had a mini in his basement. And you did it? We don't go down there and skate.
Oh, you're a skater? Yeah, I was. Yeah, when I was young.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Did you like Bones Brigade and all that stuff? I did. I was like, I loved, I think, like, my favorite teams

Speaker 1 for the longest time. I always thought, I always thought Girl was awesome.
Girls are great, yeah. You know, like Austin.
The girl chocolate crew, I always

Speaker 1 like those two. I more Baker, Zero.
Yeah, you like Toy Machine. Yeah, I like Toy Machine.
I like Templeton. I like those guys.
I thought they were cool. PRS.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just, honestly, I never knew you knew anything about skateboarding. Yeah.
Yeah. I think that's a, you know, a commonality we have.
That is. Tommy Guerrero once was in the OR and me and Eric

Speaker 1 Kevin Christie, we went bananas. Yeah, because he was a big skate fan.
Yeah, yeah. We went bananas.
Like, it was like Tom Cruise walking in or whatever. That's your Tom Cruise.
He's my Tom Cruise.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you like his teeth? Tom Cruise? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does he have new teeth? No, I just. He's shooting a movie in space right now, but his teeth just bother me.
I don't know what it is. Are they too long? He fixed them.

Speaker 1 He fixed them? Yeah. Have you don't remember when he was a kid? Oh, like 1981.

Speaker 1 You know, when you join Scientology, they give you new teeth. They do? Yeah, they give you new teeth.

Speaker 1 That image on the left is fake. That's a doctored.
His teeth are doctored for that role. It's not what his teeth look like.
Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he had normal teeth. I think he just got braces.

Speaker 2 They look like my teeth.

Speaker 1 Let me see. Your teeth look great.
You have great teeth. I got to get gooder teeth, dude.

Speaker 1 I like your teeth. I have so many chips and chunks, and my teeth are so messed up.
I like it, though.

Speaker 2 Why didn't you get them fixed?

Speaker 1 I kind of don't give a fuck. Yeah.
Like, have you ever seen a fever? Huh?

Speaker 1 He's like a vampire. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen,

Speaker 1 look at Will Farrell's teeth? You want to see fun teeth. His bottom teeth, I always notice.
Because you know, your bottom teeth start to grow together. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at those bottom teeth. Oh, wow.
I love that, dude. Rocky Mountain high.

Speaker 1 Is that the Appalachians? Whoa, dude. I've always noticed that he didn't do anything to the bottom teeth, so mine are going to get that way.
Well, at least, you know what, dude? At least,

Speaker 1 at least bleach him. No, I think I think let him go.
Who cares? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 It's so funny.

Speaker 1 He's so cool and funny that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 No, but I do think I do want to get him done. I do want to get something done.
I've gone a few times.

Speaker 1 I need to get him like, I need to get certain ones fixed out because I have chips in all my teeth over the years. I think the chips look good, though.

Speaker 2 They're like a character trait.

Speaker 1 I know, but they look spat on camera. I've never, whoa.
Who is that? Anthony Davis. Anthony Davis, yeah.
Before when he was a rookie. Yeah, he got them fixed, though, right? Of course, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's nuts. But his eyebrow remains.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You got to keep the unibrow. Oh, yeah, branding.

Speaker 1 There's something about unibrows that for some reason, it's like when you're a kid, you make fun of it, and then you see it with an adult, and you're like, I kind of like it. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 Interesting. The Friticalo of it all.

Speaker 1 I like it. It's something cool.
It's like such his face. Yeah, it looks cool.
I used to shave between my eyebrows with a razor.

Speaker 1 Really? When I was a kid, mine would grow in pretty heavily. Yeah, yeah.
And which is funny because it doesn't grow in at all anymore. Like, I pluck it sometimes, you know, like, but rarely.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But when I was like in high school and my, my, the puberty was like at full mass and I was growing tons of facial hair, I would have to shape, I would use a razor to shave in between my unibrow because I didn't know about plucking.

Speaker 1 I was embarrassed to ask my mom or dad about it. So I would get a face razor and my mom was like, why do you want new face razors? You don't even shave.
You don't even shave your face.

Speaker 1 I'm like, yes, I do. I trim it up.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, I used to shave it between my eyebrows. Yeah, those are those things when you're a kid, like, no one tells you.
So you're not going to ask anybody. Yet you're so self-conscious.

Speaker 1 It's like, I was like, mom, can I get cavaricis?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And they're like, no, cavarici, you know?

Speaker 1 And then one day they just, we were at Nordstrom's. And she bought it.
And I was, yeah, because I just begged and begged. And I wore them for a year and I just never wore them again.

Speaker 1 Nordstrom was nice. Your mom took you to Nordstrom's.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, the breakdancing pants? Oh, yeah. Did you buy those? No.
uh well you didn't break dance i did yeah yeah i did but i had to use adidas track pants just

Speaker 1 we didn't we didn't have it like you dog yeah we didn't go to fucking nordstroms we went to we went to like marshalls yeah marshalls was like that's good no it's not it's terrible or we'd go to like uh what was the other one jc penny no what was there was one more like with a k like cold not cold's but there was another one I feel like there was one more that I can't remember the name of.

Speaker 1 We'd go to Nordstrom sometimes, but my mom would go to Nordstrom's when I know she needed something nice.

Speaker 1 And And if she went to Bloomingdale's, downtown Chicago, I was like,

Speaker 1 I mean, that's like, would she buy in a Ferrari? In my mind, I was like, Bloomingdale. When she had the little brown bag.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like, whoa, my mom bought something real nice from the store. Did you do

Speaker 1 before school started, you know, at the end of summer, did you go school shopping for clothes? Yeah, we did. My parents would do that.

Speaker 1 We did, but I would usually, but see, I didn't go to department stores much.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't like the clothes. I wanted to go to like

Speaker 1 a skate store or I would go to, I'd go to like one store and buy all the stuff.

Speaker 1 I wasn't good at, I'm still to this day. I told you that story.
I went to, I went to the, I took out money because I was like, I need jeans. This is like two years ago.

Speaker 1 And I was like, you got to buy new jeans, dude. You just got to go get new jeans.
And I took out a thousand dollars cash or something like that. I don't even remember how much I had.

Speaker 1 I took out a bunch of cash and I was like, you got to just go get a couple pieces of clothing. And I walked into the store and I saw someone that I knew.
personally and I turned around and left.

Speaker 1 Really? I immediately got in my car and went home. Yeah.
I don't like that. Why? It just gives me a lot of anxiety.
So you don't like going to the

Speaker 1 dressing room or whatever and try things on? That makes me so sad. And they come out from the mirror.
I always do like posting. I know.
I really do. I do it like this.
This is one.

Speaker 1 You know, I do this. I think because I kind of like,

Speaker 1 I have this like, I hate myself a little bit when I shop because I don't want to, I don't like, you know, if I'm, I don't like the way my body feels that day.

Speaker 1 So I'm like a chick. I'll like get in the mirror and be like, fuck these fucking clothes, fuck this shit, bullshit.
And I'll just leave. I'll get mad about it.
You're like an old school dad, though.

Speaker 1 I just have insecurities about clothes. I don't like it.
I never like, so I don't like going to shop, and it's not my thing.

Speaker 1 It doesn't, I do not like to go to a store and be like, I want this and this. Why'd you get the hat? And it's like, what the fuck happened? What do you mean? This is just a t-shirt from Kith.

Speaker 1 I ordered it on the internet. Oh, you did? Yeah, and this hat was also bought online.
Oh, wow, that's interesting to me. I can't go into a store.
I don't like going to stores and shopping.

Speaker 1 It bothers me so much. I don't know what it is, but it gives me like an uneasy feeling in my chest.
That's with all like if you buy spoons. yeah spoons freak me out the most

Speaker 1 you go in there spoons drive me nuts what size am i getting are you what shape too big too small i don't know if these are going to be fit in the slot i'm being 100 serious are you being real this stuff like that drives me crazy oh i love shopping for spoons

Speaker 1 well you're a spoon man i'm a spoon man i'm the spoon man

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Speaker 1 The only way I like shopping is for somebody else.

Speaker 1 I'm not playing, I'm not, I know that sounds like, oh, but no, really, like, if I have to buy her something, love it.

Speaker 1 Because then it's like, I don't feel guilty about the money because it's not for me.

Speaker 1 And then also, it's like, I get to know that someone else gets, is going to enjoy it. You know what I mean? For me, it's my worry of the money.
Why am I spending this money?

Speaker 1 Because I've always had that. Because of my fucking parents.
And then I'm like, I don't need it.

Speaker 1 It's an insecurity I've always had. I don't know why.
But if I had to buy you like a $5,000 gift, I wouldn't even think twice about it. I literally would be like, okay, I'll buy it for Bob.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I just, I've always had that weird thing in my mind where I'm like, you don't deserve that. You don't need that.
But if it's for someone else, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, like that game you play in Christmas where like everyone buys one thing, you put it in the big, in the middle of the room. White elephant? Yeah, white elephant.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they would say, well, you know, it's only a hundred dollar minimum. Oh, yeah.
Right. I always buy a thousand.

Speaker 1 Do you know why? Because I want somebody to go, like, who got me this fucking computer? Yeah. Right.
And I'm like, I don't know. Who would buy a MacBook Pro with two terabytes with a new M2 chip?

Speaker 1 You already invited to our this year's way though. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I love it.
And then you walk out of there with a new set of spoons from him.

Speaker 1 No, thanks. No, thank you.
Do you, are you like that with stuff, with shopping and stuff?

Speaker 2 I love shopping.

Speaker 1 You love it. What do you love?

Speaker 2 I like clothes. I like clothes and they and like, especially clothes to wear on stage.

Speaker 1 But I feel like you like vintage stuff, right? Don't you like throwback shit?

Speaker 2 Thrift shopping, yeah, thrift shopping, yeah. And like independent, like I like going on Melrose because there's smaller house.

Speaker 1 Melrose is all independent, right? That's all from stuff downtown.

Speaker 2 So it's like cool stuff. It's not like, you know, a bunch of mass-produced, like of the same shirt.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, like no one's gonna have the thing that you're wearing. Yeah.
Almost like thrift store. You like thrift stores? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Me too. We should do a thing where we all pick a name out of a hat and we have to buy the person we pick's outfit for the day.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fun. This is a game that people do on TikTok.
Have you seen this?

Speaker 1 Where a boyfriend and a girlfriend for the date for the night, well, they'll go to Salvation Army or they'll go to a thrift store and they'll go to like the pants and the shirts and the something and the something.

Speaker 1 And then they'll close their eyes and they run their hands down the line of their size, like in the large or whatever, and they close their eyes and the other person says, stop.

Speaker 1 And then they have to wear that shirt for the night. And then they have to wear those pants.

Speaker 1 We should play that game. Okay, let's do that.
So we'll have to do that for one of the cities. We also have to do this.

Speaker 1 We have to go to an old school mall in the Midwest and go to some weird photography studio. Yes,

Speaker 1 and they take photos and like go dress like from the 80s. 100%.
We have to do that. I'm so down.
On a day off. Well, no, I think we should dress.
Everybody does old school.

Speaker 1 Let's dress like we're from the future. Let's wear shit that doesn't exist.
But no, we go to the thrift store and pick out stuff that we think is going to be in the future.

Speaker 1 I'm down. Let's do that.
I miss malls so much. Me too.
Did you guys hang out in malls when you were a kid or no?

Speaker 2 Yeah, when the Chandler Fashion

Speaker 1 Mall, when that opened up, it was

Speaker 1 packed. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We had UTC. You know what UTC is? You ever see Aferis, not Ferris, but do you ever see

Speaker 1 with Sean

Speaker 1 Oh, Fast Times, Fast Times at Richamont High. It was based on that mall.
We had that in San Diego, UTC, yeah, that's like the mall.

Speaker 1 There was the mall, it's in La Jolla, and then we had North County Fair. Whoa, it was the best back up, and I used to drop acid.

Speaker 1 I'm just, I, you know, when people drop acid, they go, let's go into the nature, not me. I want to go to the mall.
Oh, my God, that's like a nightmare for me. That's what I like.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like it. It's like everything's Hellraiser.

Speaker 1 Everything. Yeah, the spike guy with the face.
Yeah, it's the best.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Pacific Software.

Speaker 1 Can I help you?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Spencer's gifts went off.
Yeah, you're a nature guy then. When I do drugs, 100%.
Halucinogenics. Put me to the seed.
Put me by the water.

Speaker 1 Put me by like mountain ranges.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be near a bunch of humans when I'm on drugs. No fucking way, dude.
I like it. I want to ingest the earth.
Because I'm taking the earth in my body.

Speaker 1 I want to see the earth and feel it while I'm tripping.

Speaker 1 Actually, one time, though, me and my buddy Tyler got high as shit on mushrooms and went to a haunted house because we were like, let's see how fucked up we could get.

Speaker 1 And we were in line for this haunted house and we started tripping balls.

Speaker 1 And the whole time, like, I almost wanted to hold his hand. I was freaking the fuck out.
Just in line to get in this.

Speaker 1 Cause it was a haunted house in the middle of like cornfields in like rural Illinois. Whoa.
Oh, it was so dope. They turned like an old farmhouse into it.
They do this all the time because Illinois.

Speaker 1 Once you get way, way out, you go two hours out. It's fucking nothingness, you know? Yeah.
So we drove out there and and we ate the mushrooms on the way, tried to time it perfectly, which we did.

Speaker 1 And by the time we got there, we're waiting in line, and I was having a full fucking panic attack because I heard the noises coming from inside, and then also people's conversations.

Speaker 1 It was like flowing over me

Speaker 1 through me. So it sounded like a lot of like the screams were behind me in line while I was waiting.

Speaker 1 And these two chicks were in line with us and had to be, you know, somewhere in the same similar age range. They seem maybe a little older than us.
And they were like, are you guys scared?

Speaker 1 And Tyler was like, raunchrooms.

Speaker 1 This chick was like, Oh, cool. Walk with us.
We're scared.

Speaker 1 And at first, I was like, I don't want to be near other people. I don't want to be near other people.
But she like held on to us.

Speaker 1 Like the girls would grab on to us while we were walking into the house. And it like, like, centered the fuck out of me.
And for some reason, I felt like I was so tripping.

Speaker 1 I was like, I'm her protector. I have to be strong right now.

Speaker 1 You became a knight. A knight.

Speaker 1 A high knight. So I was ripped out of my head and I was holding her close.

Speaker 1 And I was trying, like, every time something would jump out, I would like flinch a little bit and then get real tight and be like, get out of here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was so ripped.

Speaker 1 And then after the end of it, I thought, okay, we made it through this thing. Like, we made it through the haunted house.
I was like, these chicks are going to want to hang out with us.

Speaker 1 And they're like, later. And they just got in their car and fucked off.

Speaker 1 And then we had to wait until we calmed down to be able to drive home because I was still lit up. So we had to like go to like the snack shop nearby and just sit.
Is that a store? Huh?

Speaker 1 Is that an actual restaurant?

Speaker 1 No, it was like a little, like a little, like a little cafe was next to it for like hot chocolate and all that stuff. That's a snack shop though? Snack shop.
Snack shop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was, no, it was called Snatch Shop. It was a big vagina outside.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you had to hit the cliff to get it.
Oh, I love it.

Speaker 1 And we just sat there and watched people coming out of the haunted house for like an hour so we could like cool our high down before we drove home because I was ripped. He was like, can you drive?

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, dude. No, no.
Things are moving. I couldn't do it.
We got to go to Hell House. What is Hell House? You know, Hell House, right? No.
Known Hell House?

Speaker 1 It's a haunted house. I love haunted houses.
In Texas, run by Christians.

Speaker 1 Say no more. And then you go to a room, and it's like a woman

Speaker 1 getting an abortion. Whoa, no one.
And then a demon in back of them, like someone will play the devil.

Speaker 1 And at the end of the fucking haunted house, you go into a room and they try to convert you. There was a documentary called Hell House.
Is this just church? What do you mean? This is just church.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's like there's murder and there's scenes going on.

Speaker 1 This is real? Yeah, it's real.

Speaker 1 What? It's in Cedar Hill, Texas. Yeah, Sugar Hill.
Yeah. How close are we to Sugar Hill on our trip? Cedar Hill.
Cedar Hill. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 it's not in October. They only do it in October.
Oh, they only do it in October. It's a haunted house for Halloween.
Oh, for church. Yeah, for church.
And people go and it's like.

Speaker 1 Well, I guess it's worth the trip. So we'll have to.
Oh, it's outside of Dallas. Yeah.
Oh, we got to go. Yeah.
Yeah. We'll be right there.
They still do it.

Speaker 1 It says, I mean, I think it's Halloween only because it said permanently closed. Dude, there should be a round-the-year haunted house.
Don't we think there should be haunted houses year-round?

Speaker 1 There should be at least one. I mean, fucking Halloween town in Burbank stays open all year.

Speaker 2 We could just wander around to Walmart.

Speaker 1 That's a haunted house. But

Speaker 1 if we had a haunted house, we'd kill one person a year, so you have that fear. Oh, yeah.
Right? If you kill one person a year, if we had a haunted house, people would be like, dude, we could die.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Ramon Feliz has died.

Speaker 1 We're all from San Diego in this scenario.

Speaker 1 do we could die the one from san diego though ramon feliz fucking god decapitated dude yeah dude you know

Speaker 1 this is fucking awesome because i never i've never i've been on it 50 times through this i've never fucking died dude never died yet dude yeah i did so you know why is everybody from san diego sound like that why does everybody sound like that oh hey

Speaker 1 it's cool oh fucking uh what's up dude that's my college roommate yeah he's from san diego Fucking Satito, dude. Fucking you fucking.

Speaker 1 You just get you get a kiss daddy light. We can fucking get lit up, dude.
Yeah. That's exactly what he sounded like.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or you go to a beach and in San Diego, you can't go in the water because the locals. They'll fuck you up.
Yeah, my brother and I had boogie boards once and we were at Winden Sea.

Speaker 1 Surfer, dude, locals only. You're like, I am local.
No, you're from, where are you from, man? Poway. That's not local.
You have to be on that street.

Speaker 1 Whoa. It's like that's how they're territory.
Oh, they would fuck you up. That's awesome.
No, it's not. What do you mean? That's awesome.
Because they don't own it. Yes, they do.
Maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do, dude. Locals only, dog.
Yeah. You would be that way.
You would 100% be that way. If you lived in that part, you would absolutely be like, locals only, bitch.

Speaker 1 You would 100% be the guy that fought people that came into the locals only. No, no, no, no.
Yeah, we all said yes. Everyone nodded off.
You're absolutely that guy. You're 100% that guy.

Speaker 1 That's true because when I grew up inland with an oak tree

Speaker 1 and no one was allowed at the moment. No,

Speaker 1 no, no.

Speaker 1 People would look at the oak tree, like,

Speaker 1 locals only, dude.

Speaker 1 Like, some kid would come up and be like,

Speaker 1 I'm from playa and you're like get the fuck out of here yeah trees there in Playa bro

Speaker 1 right like I was very territorial over that tree what did you guys have in high school that was like like we had that we had the enchanted forest was like a little forest like deep behind the high school where people would like do drugs or get into fights or hook up and all that stuff did you guys have like a forest or a meetup spot like that

Speaker 1 no you didn't what did you go friends oh yeah yeah no

Speaker 2 I was it so it's such a nerdy answer but it was just like the arts building.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, I know Denny's, Denny's. Oh, Denny's, right.
Ours was Taco Bell. Really, yeah.
Everyone has like a restaurant.

Speaker 1 Well, we would go to Grandma's. Grandma's was an old restaurant, like an old diner.
24 hours. Yeah, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 Oh, we did have Burrito Express.

Speaker 1 The B Express. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My friend Jensen, 16 years old, we were at. Are you talking about Jensen Karp? No, Jensen.
Because you said Jensen the other time. Jensen Roof.
He was my best friend, one of my best friends. Okay.

Speaker 1 And Roof, he's a great talented guy. Is he dead? No, he's alive.
Where is he at? L.A. Well, call him up.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's mad at me. Why? He's been mad at me for years.
What did you do? Because I won't call him back.

Speaker 1 Interesting. The reason why I won't call him back is because

Speaker 1 the last time I hooked up with him, he still plays that game and I don't like it. Don't say hooked up with him.
Yeah. That's not the right verbiage.
The last time I hung out with him. Oh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Guys don't usually say hook up with other guys. We fucked.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Be more clear about that.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He does this thing where he'll touch me and run away. How old is this man? Like he did that three years ago.
How old is the man now? My age. And he just touches you and leaves?

Speaker 1 He giggles, and then I have to touch him back. He's playing tag.
It's like whoever gets the last touch wins.

Speaker 1 Someone's just running around a restaurant.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it's like, I remember the last time we did, I was like, I can't do this anymore.
Does he have Asperger's? No, he's talented. 47 years old, running around a restaurant.

Speaker 1 I go, you can't use, you can't use a table.

Speaker 1 Separate us. We're arguing that way.
You know what I mean? And I just just realized, like, I just, I can't. We did that as kids.
We still play the fucking game. Why not, though?

Speaker 1 We talked the other day about wanting to be more kiddie-like. You want to be like a kid and have fun and stop being so, you know, adult.
So let's do it.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe if it's more violent, I would do it. Like, tag with guns.
No, no, no, no, no. You're it.
No, but like a punch the ass or something. All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I like that. Anyway, when I was 16, Jensen, we were at the Denny's, the local Denny's, and he saw a girl there,

Speaker 1 Andrea.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he goes, she's hot. And I go, well, introduce you.
And he went on and

Speaker 1 introduced himself. They're still married to this day.
No way. Yeah, it's beautiful.
That's gorgeous. So he has Asperger's, though, for real.
No. Yeah, he does.
What is Asperger? He likes.

Speaker 1 What? What's Asperger's? It's a burger made out of ass? Yeah. It's a form of autism.
It's on the spot. Oh, no, I've heard of it, yeah.
I saw the show.

Speaker 1 You don't have old friends you grew up with like still do bullshit, like brings up stories from when you were 14.

Speaker 1 Remember fucking Andrew, dude, and he fucking got his nutsack fucking tied up in that fucking branch.

Speaker 1 First of all, love that story. Oh, yeah.
Remember that day you did that, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 When I connect with people that I grew up with, we talk about the times that we had together when we were younger. That's what everybody does when you get older.

Speaker 1 That's not unusual. There's one story that they always go, remember you drank pea to me.
Well, that's because your stories are hard to hear. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, because you have a lot of stories where it's like that. Like, remember, you know,

Speaker 1 remember when we all put stuff in your butt that was like,

Speaker 1 jellyfish. Jellyfish.
You know, I was in Hawaii at 16 and I had jellyfish markings on my body. Yeah.
Right. And they go, you pee.
You have to let other people pee on you. Well, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 I drank it.

Speaker 1 Like, they weren't specific. You have to put it on the skin.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I went behind a tree. I go, I don't want one.
I don't want it. And I took a sip of it.

Speaker 1 And I came back and I saw everyone putting it on their body. And they go, you have to put it on your body? Do you drink your own pee or or somebody else's? Mine.
Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they're like, ah, you're an idiot. You drank the pea.
And I'm like, you got to be specific. You do, though.

Speaker 1 That's actually their fault. Yeah.
Like, you know, Ben Gay, for instance,

Speaker 1 right? On the Bengay things, it doesn't say you don't put it on your genitals. They should put that on there.
Do you put it on your genitals? Have you tried it? No. It hurts so bad.

Speaker 1 It doesn't seem like it belongs there.

Speaker 1 I know, but I tried it. Because isn't Ben Gay for your butt? No, Ben Gay for muscles.
Yeah. What's the one for your butt?

Speaker 1 Preparation H.

Speaker 1 That one's for having

Speaker 1 to do. Dude, we got to play a game where you and I put Bengay on our penises.
Why would I do that? It's such a fun game. It's funny.
Okay, oh, then you're putting it on your pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you think it's so ha ha.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're getting involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm down to do it. Everyone has to put it on each other then.

Speaker 1 Put it on yourself. God damn it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I don't like old stories. Well, I don't understand.
It's a connection to your youth and to your history. But guys, sometimes guys do it every time they see you.
I know, because

Speaker 1 your stories are funny and embarrassing, so they're funny to talk about. Let's move on.
I understand.

Speaker 1 I drank the pee, you know?

Speaker 1 What's so funny? Dude, it's so funny that you didn't even, you didn't ask anybody. You

Speaker 1 drank the pea. I got jellyfish.
Pea. That's all there's a urine, dude.
Your own urine. Really? Yeah.
I'm not doing it for you. I went behind a tree.
You know what? Honestly, I'm on your team on this.

Speaker 1 Thank you, someone. Here's why.
Why? Because if someone, if you're like jellyfish and you're like, well, pee, it's got to be P.

Speaker 1 In your mind, you wouldn't go, well, I should piss on myself. Right.
How do you do that? Right. You would never think that you're going to.
Well, they gave me a cup.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, then that was probably a tell.

Speaker 1 So you drink it. That you drink it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I see where your brain was.

Speaker 1 They gave you a cup. One of those red plastic.
A solo cup. Yeah, a solo cup.
Yeah. And I pee, and I'm like, you think two things.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 you get a solo cup, and someone says, P, you either think, we're playing a weird game of beer pong, or I'm going to drink my own piss. Yeah.
So I get it. Can I ask you another question about P? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm being real. And then we'll move on.

Speaker 1 We can move on from it. I'm saying we'll.
Maybe I shouldn't even ask them. Let's get this one out of the way.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Why? Why are you so uncomfortable about it? No, no, no.
I just think pee-pee-poo-poo, we can get, we'll have to get through at some point.

Speaker 1 Oh, we only talked about it for two minutes. Yeah.
Okay. You know what? I'm going to save it for later.
No, I want it right now. Okay.
Really?

Speaker 1 Because when you pee, it's all the same. Sorry?

Speaker 1 Like, when you pee every time, it's like yellow and warm. That's right.
Right? Yeah. But you drink all kinds of liquids.
It's interesting, is it not? That it comes out like that. One way.
Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Well, the darker the pee, the worse it is.
It means you're more dehydrated. No, I heard that there's more vitamins in your system.
It depends.

Speaker 1 It depends. If you're flush with vitamins, then it could be a brighter yellow.
Oh, I see. But you're not.

Speaker 1 If your personal, Bobby Lee, not humans, if your pea is coming out really dark yellow, bad. Bad news.
Okay. Yeah.
Tell me if that happens.

Speaker 1 It always does. Every time? Well, it's dark.
Okay. And murky.

Speaker 1 You know what it reminds me of? The water on Yoda's planet.

Speaker 1 Dagaba system. Dagaba system.
Let's look up the water on Yoda's planet. Yeah.
That's what it looks like. Yeah.
Oh, Bobby.

Speaker 1 Drink that water. Yeah.
Yeah. Drink some water.
How many bottles? How much water do you drink during the day?

Speaker 1 Honestly. Sometimes never.

Speaker 1 During the day, sometimes you never have a sip of H2O.

Speaker 1 Let's Let's do that now. Let's start doing that.
Yeah, that's good. But what does it do, though? It keeps you alive.
Okay. Yeah.
Let's do it. It's the literal.
It's funny, man.

Speaker 1 It's the only thing you can do. You're learning.
Fancy, don't laugh at him.

Speaker 1 General recommendations at the National Academy of Medicine suggest an adequate intake of daily fluids, about 13 cups and nine cups for healthy men and women. 13 cups is repulsive.

Speaker 1 That's so much water. 13 cups of water? You seem to be drinking it all day.
You're supposed to be drinking it all day long. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you can live without it. How long can you live without water? It's only like three days, three or four days? Three days.
And then your muscles atrophy and they drain themselves and then you die.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Three days.
The body needs a lot of water to carry out essential functions. So three days, dude.
Okay. When was last time?

Speaker 1 You learned something new every day. Yeah.
Something I think you'd know by now at 51.

Speaker 1 But sometimes I haven't gotten around to it.

Speaker 1 But I got to tell you, if you've lasted this long without drinking water, like there was a guy on one of those My Strange Addiction or whatever who only drank Coke and never drank water.

Speaker 1 But isn't that a form of water? Water is in there. Yeah, but it's not a healthy amount.
You know, it's there's a person that only drank Coke.

Speaker 1 So if I was on some sort of deserted fucking planet and I only had Diet Coke. Deserted island or planet? Planet.
So there's Diet Coke in outer space? There's a vendor. God bless.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's one of those machines. Yeah, there's just a Diet Coke machine that's just getting filled up.

Speaker 1 Also, there needs to be a coin machine next to it. Can you imagine aliens are like, we have to give them Diet Coke?

Speaker 1 But like if you're and there's oxygen on this planet, but it's deserted, could you not survive off of that as a liquid or no? No.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 okay, let's see.

Speaker 1 Growing bodyguards suggests that diet soda consumption correlates with an increased risk of a wide range of medical conditions, heart conditions, heart attack, high blood pressure, metabolic issues, including diabetes, obesity, brain conditions, dementia, and stroke.

Speaker 1 Good. Okay.
I would love a Diet Coke right now, by the way.

Speaker 1 You're good. I'm never going to drink it again.

Speaker 1 No, this is just in moderation. It just means if you drink it all the time, Carlos is just

Speaker 1 right now.

Speaker 1 Let's move on for Pumpy. This is no Pumpe.

Speaker 1 Pumpy. Pumpy.

Speaker 1 Pumpy. How long do you think you could last on a deserted island? I keep watching that nature show.
How long do you really think you could last genuinely on a deserted island?

Speaker 1 A deserted island or a forest?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, that's actually a very good question.

Speaker 1 How about on a deserted? What kind of island is it? How about this? On a deserted part of the world, right, where

Speaker 1 there is things to forage. Like, there are berries.
Because if you go to Canada and some of their islands are like, you know, big trees, it's very foresty. They're way up north.

Speaker 1 Okay, so how long would I survive? Yeah. With the knowledge I have now? Right now.

Speaker 1 I think two weeks. Two weeks.
Yeah. That's f really long.
That's a long time. Well, I know how to do water.

Speaker 1 Do water?

Speaker 1 How?

Speaker 1 What do you mean, how? What do you mean, I know how to do water? I know how to make water. How do you make water? Well, you go to a river, right? And then you dig a little hole next to the river.

Speaker 1 The soil filters out all the bad stuff and you drink the water from the hole that you made.

Speaker 1 Oh. What? I didn't know that.
That's true. It's partially true.
It doesn't mean it's not going to be, it's not going to, it doesn't mean bacteria can't get it.

Speaker 1 I don't have it, like, it'll be cleaner than if it's,

Speaker 1 yeah, but I, I, I don't, I don't know how to make a fire, do you?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I know, I know hypothetically how to make a fire, yeah, I do too, hypothetically, but if I'm, if I have no tools, I'm on an island, right? I'm like, I don't know what a flint looks like.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, you could get anything that creates

Speaker 1 up north, it's very damp. Yeah, I know the dampness.
It's very difficult. So it's like, for me, I'd be like, no, I would have to do that.
And I would try to eat like acorns.

Speaker 1 Well, that you definitely can't eat. Why? It's a nut.

Speaker 1 I know, but how are you going to get the acorn before they fall to the ground? You're not going to climb a tree. They fall from the tree like apples do.

Speaker 1 But acorns, you're not going to eat acorns. Toxic to humans.
Oh, fuck. Well, then forget that.
Forget the acorns. One day.
Berries. I would eat berries, yeah.
Berries. That's better.

Speaker 1 But you wouldn't kill an animal. I would try at the weekend.
Yeah. But there's no way.
Because even professionals have a hard time doing it. They do.
I agree. So probably two weeks.

Speaker 1 You know what I would do? I'd know how to get an animal, by the way, in the wild. I would get on all fours and spread my butt cheeks.
Yeah. And a treadmill.
And I would do noises

Speaker 1 to try to get it.

Speaker 1 And I'd go,

Speaker 1 I'm coming up to it.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And then, woo, woo, right? And then what do you do? Stab from behind?

Speaker 1 Imagine you think that you're going to catch an animal by doing a mating call And it comes up and starts having sex with you, but you love it so much that you can't kill it and eat it.

Speaker 1 Or you know what you do? You let them enter and you clinch your butthole so they're stuck. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they're trying to get away. And I don't know how what I would have to do.
Well, you'd flip. Yeah, you'd have to use it.
Well, you'd have to use a jiu-jitsu technique for sure. All right.

Speaker 1 Just arm bar, the bear. I'll call

Speaker 1 with Eddie. What's his name? Who? Joe Rogan's got Eddie.

Speaker 1 Eddie Bravo? Eddie Bravo. Yeah, yeah.
Do I have a cell phone?

Speaker 1 I have one cell phone. Yeah, yeah.
The bear has a phone. Yeah.
Oh, the bear does? Yeah, he's

Speaker 1 T-Mobile. Yeah, so it slips out of his pocket.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? They have pouches like kangaroos. Yeah, sure.
Yeah. All right.
So I grab it. Eddie.
I think I would call Eddie before the Coast Guard. You got to call him first.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
So here's the deal. This is the situation I'm in.
You know, and now you've asked me for many, many years to take your class. I apologize for that.
My bad. Now help me.
Now help me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I have a black bear, right,

Speaker 1 inserted inside of my anus. An African-American bear.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that's my bad. Yeah.
Careful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have an African-American bear, right? And it's like, African-American bears' lives matter.

Speaker 1 I would say that just for the optics of it. Well, you should.
Yeah, yeah. Because they do.
Right. He's about to come.

Speaker 1 Right? But I've clinched it. Because you know, Eddie, I have a very tight ball.

Speaker 1 I don't. I know that, bro.
You know that, right?

Speaker 1 And so what do I do?

Speaker 1 Do I try to grab his head and do a roll? You know what I mean? I mean, what's your suggestion? I think let him finish and then take him out for a meal.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see that.

Speaker 1 How long would you last on a, on, like, on a, in a,

Speaker 1 in a wilderness situation?

Speaker 2 I'm not sure because I don't know a lot of survival techniques, but I think I have a high threshold for pain. And I, and I'm, like, one, I could become like one with nature pretty easy.

Speaker 1 All right, let's test the threshold. Can we, can we fight fight you yeah i think we should do a bus fight you want to do bus boxing

Speaker 1 but you guys you it's got to be like each person can call it at any time in the trip yeah so you just yell bus fight bus fight bus fight could be two third two three in the morning bus fight you gotta wake you up and you gotta fight that would fuck you up man i'd love to see

Speaker 1 you he does fight me all the time that would fuck you up man I really want to see you guys fight. No, I would never hurt her.
I could take both of you on at once. I don't think you could.

Speaker 1 I'd fuck both of you guys up so bad it'd be insane

Speaker 1 at the same time. 100%.
There's no fucking way. I would beat the fucking shit out of you guys.

Speaker 2 He'd get his nine iron.

Speaker 1 No weapons, though. Barehanded? These are my fucking weapons.
Yeah. Dude, you against me and you doesn't matter.
Whatever you guys try to concoct, I'll fucking kill you.

Speaker 1 You have no idea, dude, about my legs. Dude, you little roly-poly, I'll eat you alive.

Speaker 1 No, I have, dude, I have a couple of fucking these sandwiches to your fucking stupid little face, you're gone, dude. You're fucking out.

Speaker 1 Out cold. I have HRS.

Speaker 1 Herpes? Hurfies? No.

Speaker 1 Hidden at the spray.

Speaker 1 All right. So don't fuck with me.
Let me tell you.

Speaker 1 Part isn't hidden.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You have RS.
Yeah. Uz.
It's just RS. You have just RS.

Speaker 1 It's not hidden.

Speaker 1 Not even a little bit. RS is a

Speaker 1 no, because you would focus on her. I would sneak up behind you, put you in a rear naked chokehold.

Speaker 1 The naked part you love the most.

Speaker 1 I don't like that it's called that. You're not naked when you do it.
Yeah. Do what? The rear naked choke.
Just call it a rear chokehold. Yeah.
Why is it going to be called naked?

Speaker 1 I know this episode's going to come out much later. Did you watch the fights yesterday? No.
This speech was fucking awesome. He grabbed the mic from Rogan.
And look, I'm not a big

Speaker 1 UFC guy.

Speaker 1 I don't really watch it. But on TikTok, this speech was like going viral.

Speaker 1 Hey, sure, sure. Listen up.
I want to say something.

Speaker 1 People,

Speaker 1 earth, I need to say something. Listen to me.

Speaker 1 I hope every one of you behind the screens or in this arena can feel this level of happiness just one time in your life.

Speaker 1 I hope all of you can feel how

Speaker 1 happy I am just one time in your life. But guess what?

Speaker 1 You will never feel this level of happiness if you don't go for something in your own life when they knock you down when they try on you when they talk about you and they're trying to put their foot on your neck if you stay

Speaker 1 get that resolve fortify your mind and feel this level of happiness as you rise one time in your life but i'm blessed to be able to feel this

Speaker 1 again and again and again and again and again

Speaker 1 so dope so good one of the greatest speeches i think i've ever heard post-a-fight. Like, honestly,

Speaker 1 the way he was saying it, he's saying, he's giving himself props for being the shit, but also.

Speaker 1 He didn't thank Jesus. Yeah, he did.
Oh, he did. He said, I'm blessed to be able to do this again and again and again.
A blessing is saying I'm thanking the universe or something.

Speaker 1 He's appreciating the world. But the way he's saying it, he's saying, look at what I did, but take from this that you can do something.

Speaker 1 But you have to fucking do it. You got to stop saying, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to.
I thought that was so great.

Speaker 1 I watched that like four or five times this morning in bed being like, what a great fucking message. Because he's not saying, become a fighter.

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Speaker 1 He's not saying do it. He's saying get out of your own fucking way.
Do the thing so you can feel this feeling of

Speaker 1 joy and happiness at least once in your life. Yeah, it's great inspiration, dude.
It's for me, I'm dumb, kind of. Yes.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'm a great.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What is it when I say that? People go, no, you have your. Say it again.
Sorry again. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm dumb. Yes, you are.

Speaker 1 Yes, you are, buddy.

Speaker 1 I really, you know, I'm lazy. You know that, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I procrastinate.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The only thing that I've done right in my whole entire life. This podcast.
This podcast.

Speaker 1 But this

Speaker 1 stand-up, you know, walking through the fear of going on stage and doing that repeatedly is the only thing that I did right. And it gave me such a big and beautiful life, right?

Speaker 1 So it's like, I mean, I just love that speech. It's the same thing, right? Like, you know, we have that one thing where it's like, I'm going to try this scary thing.

Speaker 1 And that's all I've done. And it worked.
It worked. Oh, it's working.
It's working to work. And, you know, anyone out there, it's like, I know it's scary.
It is. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And it's like, oh, we'll only this amount of people make it or whatever. You can't think that way.
Just do whatever you think you need to do. You have to do it.
You have to do it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right, Juice?

Speaker 2 That's how I felt after Vancouver.

Speaker 1 That is how you felt, that moment of happiness.

Speaker 1 And you're going to feel it again and again and again.

Speaker 1 Let's go to Juicy's Corner real fast. And Juicy,

Speaker 1 welcome back to Juicy's Corner. We want to throw it to Juice because she wants to tell us something pretty important.
Oh, gosh. Whenever you're ready, Juice, you go ahead.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. No.

Speaker 1 Not yet.

Speaker 1 Not yet. Not yet.
We're not done. I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't get a shortcut.

Speaker 1 Shortcut. Yeah, she's trying to get out of it, huh?

Speaker 2 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Well, no, it's that. I know what he's talking about.
It's that inspiring, because when we were were in Vancouver backstage, you gave me that five-minute inspirational talk

Speaker 1 about life and about, you know what I mean, connections.

Speaker 1 Let's hear your style bender talk. Yeah, I want to see yours.
Because

Speaker 1 the fans at home want to know, how did you get from 10K to 100K? They think, how did she do it? Let's give her a different sport, though. What sport would it be? Rugby.
Sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're a professional rugby player. Yes, you are.
For the, you know, Los Felas Chipnucks. The Chipnucks have been pretty good the last couple of years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You used to have season tickets. Yeah, Yeah, yeah.
Didn't you to the Chipnux? I always sold them on SeeGeek, though. Okay.
So you're rugby team Chipnuck captain, right? And you're in the men's league.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Controversial. You just won the fucking

Speaker 1 controversial. Yeah, yeah.
I love it. You just won the East LA Provisional Championship.
Two teams in it.

Speaker 1 You and Echo Park. Yeah, you and Echo Park.
But you still beat them. Right.
And there's like eight people in this audience. But they're like, they love it.

Speaker 2 What sport is it?

Speaker 1 Rugby. Rugby.
Rugby. Yeah, eight people in the crowd.

Speaker 2 Two of them are blind so i'm the i'm the i'm the rogany guy you know i mean guy you grab the mic you know yeah hey let me just take this real quick will you give it back hey i got the mic now shut up hey listen i can't believe where i am at los felice i just won the rugby championship and i just want you guys to know that if you work hard and you meet somebody uh more famous than you in the rugby division uh they will build your following 10 times and they will give you a platform to shine.

Speaker 2 And if you just practice your rugby skills and you get that platform,

Speaker 1 you're gonna make it. And thank you, guys.

Speaker 1 What's a golf?

Speaker 1 No, this is a rubber. That's a role.
People do that. In rugby, when you score, everyone goes,

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's part of the celebration. Is it cricket? No, it's just a part of the celebration.
Okay. It's like saying yes.
Oh, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 I think I would know.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You would know.
Don't ever question her again, dude. I'm sorry, man.
Don't ever question her again.

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I will not go downtown LA anymore. Fuck it.
Fuck it.

Speaker 1 I'm tired of people being like, it's getting better. No, it's not.
The last time I was fucking down there,

Speaker 1 we were downtown and the riots were going on, the protests and the riots, you know? And I pull into a parking lot. I'm going to do a comedy show.

Speaker 1 And I pull into a parking lot and some black woman's like raising rape waving her arms at me and I'm like oh am I not am I in the wrong dancing she was just dancing

Speaker 1 no and then she's like this she's like going like this and I was like what the fuck is going on here's the roof that's what she's doing she was raising her arms and I rolled down the window and I was like I was like oh is are we not supposed to park in this lot because I was going to a show and she goes no man you ain't not you got no business being down here you better get the fuck out of here now and I was like for real?

Speaker 1 She's like, don't you know what the fuck is going on? I was like, I'm going to perform at a show. And she's like, get the fuck up out of here.
And I was like, okay, I took the advice. And you left?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't do the show. And you called the guy who didn't tonight.
Yeah, I said, I'm not doing the show. I'm not doing the fucking show.

Speaker 1 Because she was probably giving me a warning shot. Like, dude, they'll probably fuck up your car.
No, they'll probably, you'll get out of that car. They're going to kick your fucking windows in.

Speaker 1 They'll go, oh, we saw some white, red-headed, you know, some fucking lollipop head-ass motherfucker get out of this car.

Speaker 1 And they would have busted up my shit because it was the wrong time, wrong place. So I was like, fuck this.
We're going home.

Speaker 2 You do have that huge Confederate flag in your window, window, too.

Speaker 1 I took it down. It's on the hood.
It's on my window.

Speaker 1 Hold faithful. What do you want me to do, dude? What'd you do with the Robert Elys little thing in front of your car? The statue.
The little statue? Yeah, it's a bobblehead. It's on my front.

Speaker 1 It's on my dashboard.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's it. Okay.
And in my horn, it doesn't honk. It goes, yeah!

Speaker 1 But you still have the speakers, and you're doing the turn diaries from it.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool. I love your car.
Black people, beware, beware, beware. Yeah.
No, yeah. Yeah, I have the speakers on the roof.
It's great. But yeah, that was probably a dead giveaway for her

Speaker 1 to get me out of there. It was actually very nice.
I was very thankful. I was like, okay, thanks.
I'm out. Fuck this.
I'm not staying for that. If there is a civil war,

Speaker 1 if there is a civil war, you think we'll win again? I'm going to Canada, I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1 Really? I'm not fighting in that bullshit. I'm not going to fight.
I watch. You can't watch it.
They're going to make you join. They're going to make you pick up a gun and join.
The civil war?

Speaker 1 If we have another civil war in America,

Speaker 1 they're going to make you fight. Everyone's going to have to fight.

Speaker 1 What would be my position?

Speaker 1 Sniper.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 probably a ninja.

Speaker 1 You just hear the gun. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, so I would have to fight. You 100% would have to fight.
Can I be in the back, though, like the last wave? No, they put you in first? Yeah. Me and the minority.
Shortest up front.

Speaker 1 No, it goes by height. It's not skin color.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Well, because it's like it's needs to stab. It's a pawn.
Yeah, because he's a pawn. 100%.
Yeah, yeah. And also, the tall guys need to see the enemy.

Speaker 1 And you would need need to see them too. You need to be in front of the tall men.
Yeah. So you're up there, bud.
But I would run like this.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm doing?

Speaker 1 Bicycling? No. No, no.
Is it a rickshaw? This is what I'm running like this. You know what? What I'm doing? Right? There's a guy in front of me.
And my head's ducked. And he's my shield.

Speaker 1 What are you holding on to? The back of his shirt. Yeah, but I think you just hold his butt cheeks.
Oh, Tony. Hold his butt cheeks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just no way.

Speaker 1 And then once in a while, come on. Let's go.

Speaker 1 All right. And he's like,

Speaker 1 What would you do in the Civil War? What side are you going to be on, first of all?

Speaker 2 Well, the side I'm going to be on, you know, they're going to make me fight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're going to have to fight. Because women are equal.
Yeah, they are now. Yeah, you guys asked for all this.
I cannot wait till that breaks out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And women are like, do you guys want us to sew again and do that stuff? And you're like, no, no, no. You want to be equal to you.
Got to fucking pick up a gat. And you got to get.

Speaker 1 Imagine that. Me,

Speaker 1 Jesse, Natasha Leger, everyone that's

Speaker 1 short yeah who else is it brad williams you brad williams yeah yeah and we're just like

Speaker 1 we would lose yeah that's a deck that's why i said i'm going to canada oh that's right

Speaker 1 yeah yeah going to vancouver dude

Speaker 1 you know what i mean

Speaker 1 there's no way come on man wait up y'all

Speaker 1 that would be ridiculous man wait up there no way but you know if we had a civil war though it's like we have new members

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I mean, don't think MS-13 would fight for us? Gang members? Yeah. No.

Speaker 1 What do they? You think they're more

Speaker 1 leaning. What? What do you mean? What? What do you mean? What? What? Well, finish what? They're leaning what? You think they're leaning right? You think the south will get them? No.
No, no.

Speaker 1 First of all, it won't be divided north and south. East, west? It'll be east-west.
It's east-west. East-West.
We knew that there was the new one. Right.

Speaker 1 Us versus New York. Yeah.
Oh, for fuck. We're fucked.
It's Chicago East or West? East. They're East.
Yeah. Who do we get? Boise?

Speaker 1 Fucking, we get. I think we get Boise.
I think we get Albuquerque.

Speaker 1 Oh, Mexicans.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they'll go back.

Speaker 1 They wouldn't stick around. Yeah, who else do we have?

Speaker 1 Is Austin South or I mean, East or West? Texas is not going to be included. They're going to be their own little thing.
Oh, it's a four-way city.

Speaker 1 They're building a wall right now around Texas to the United States, not just Mexico. They're building it all the way

Speaker 1 because they don't want to be with us at all. Wow.
They fucking fuck us. They don't like us.
But imagine if there was a north, south, east, west war, like a four-way civil war. Like a bracket?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like a bracket war. Like, I think we would lose the west coast.
I don't know. We got a shitload of people, we have a lot of people.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's true, but we have- But they're all like, you know, I mean, techies and stuff, liberal software, yeah. But, but, but we will get a lot of tech war.
We'll win tech war, right?

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah, dude. We'll shut that shit down, right? Shut down your, shut down your machines.
We have nanobots, nanobots. Do we not have nanos and Twitter? No, we don't.
Elon lives in Texas now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Twitter is theirs. Yeah, Twitter is theirs.
Also, fuck Twitter, by the way. Every time I go on it now, it sucks.
It's all a bunch of of promoted ads.

Speaker 1 I don't even see people that I follow anymore. I've opened it up a few times the last couple of days, and I shut it down immediately because I'm like, I don't follow any of these people.

Speaker 1 I'm just getting pushed promoted ads, promoted accounts. I don't literally don't see who I've, I don't see anybody anymore.
So fuck Twitter. Fuck Twitter.
I'm out of it.

Speaker 1 Well, I haven't been on Twitter. It's still stolen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yours is. Well, you've been selling MacBooks.

Speaker 1 The amount of people that say they bought a MacBook from your fake account

Speaker 1 scares me. I know.
I think they're. Because those people get to vote.

Speaker 1 You're like, you drive a car and have a job and have family. You bought a MacBook from a comedian.
You didn't see that that was obviously a hacked account. Yeah.
That scares me. That scares me.

Speaker 1 Well, I want a piece of it.

Speaker 1 I mean, it is my account. Well, you did.
I mean, you sold, I think you saw like 95 MacBooks.

Speaker 1 You should get a piece. Just reach out to the guy somehow and just be like, look, dude, you fucked me over.
I shouldn't have it back. Yeah, you should deserve it back.

Speaker 1 You haven't had it in how many months have been almost a year.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. I'm not even kidding.

Speaker 2 Or maybe he

Speaker 2 can get every other post.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, like share it?

Speaker 1 It would be like what Tig does. Doesn't Tig do that with her Twitter? She gives her Twitter up to other people? I love her.
I can't believe that never backfired.

Speaker 1 I thought for sure that would be hackable then because she would give it up to so many people. Yeah.
I thought some hacker would be able to like loop in and steal it.

Speaker 1 That's all I, but it's never been a problem. But she just gives it up.
You know this, right? No. She gives her Twitter account to people to do like a residency for like a month.

Speaker 1 What? Still?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I have no idea. But she used to for years.
She did it for years and years. Would you give me your Twitter account? I'm so fucking lootly not.
You'd turn into a Mac store.

Speaker 1 It's a nightmare. Yeah.
What part of hate group are you a part of?

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 2 I don't like when people show their beliefs so outwardly.

Speaker 1 All right, let's start a hate group against people that show their beliefs outwardly.

Speaker 1 What kind of hate group could we three start for real? Let's start a hate group of our own. What do we hate collectively? Like an animal.
What animal do you hate?

Speaker 1 Let's choose an animal that people love. And we hate it? Yes.
Okay, well, what do people love that we hate? Dolphins. Dude.
Fuck them. I'm not kidding.
Yeah. Hate them.
Hate them. Hate them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, cut it out. What's that mean? Cut it out.
Cut it out of it. Stop geeky, geeky, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We get it. Yeah.
And then

Speaker 1 we get it. All right.

Speaker 1 That's what they're saying.

Speaker 1 We get it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You don't need a parade.
I was petting this dolphin one time in Mexico, and he like popped his head up, you know, and literally, like,

Speaker 1 you know, they put him on the thing and I'm rubbing him softly. And he pops his head up, and he goes, you show me where the poppers are? And then he goes back under.
It was nuts.

Speaker 1 It was nuts, dude. It was so nuts.
It was so crazy. Crossing the line, man.
It was. I was like, I'm not going to give a dolphin drugs.
Yeah. Nuts, dude.

Speaker 1 Because do you ever see the documentary, The Cove? Yeah, we talked about it. I love it.
But, you know, we should go against dolphins. Is there a fuck dolphins group?

Speaker 1 Because we want to start, because you don't like dolphins either, do you, Juice?

Speaker 2 No, I fucking hate them.

Speaker 1 Fucking hate them, dude.

Speaker 2 Fucking hit them. I don't want to see any dolphins on our group.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know what the worst thing, too, is

Speaker 1 if you meet a girl and they have a dolphin tattoo, it's a fucking red flag. Red flag.
Red flag. Red flag.
That and like a clover leaf. You know how you guys do it? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 A four-leaf clover? Yeah. What's wrong with those? A tattoo of it?

Speaker 1 It doesn't scare me as much as dolphins. But there's not a tattoo.

Speaker 1 If a woman had a tattoo, what kind of tattoo would turn you off?

Speaker 1 What kind of tattoo would turn me off? Well,

Speaker 1 I'm not huge into face tattoos

Speaker 1 because I don't know if that's a good... I like your face.
Right. I don't know if I want to see tons of dad.
But prove me wrong. Maybe I will later in life meet someone where I...

Speaker 1 We met that girl that had a bad friend's tattoo on her leg. Yeah, but that's rad.
That's amazing. Yeah, but it's not on her leg.
That's not in her face.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but she also colored your Zen, and mine's completely empty with no color. That's right.
Why? Because yellow is expensive.

Speaker 1 Orange is like the cheapest color. Oh, I see.
I see. I see.
I see. No, what tattoo would turn me off for real? Yeah.
Actually, that's not, you know, I take it back.

Speaker 1 I go back because I have seen some face tattoos that are like neck that bleed up that are sexy as shit. Yeah.
I just don't like like a word on your face. Oh, I don't like that.
Like the word.

Speaker 1 Like I've seen, look at those people, it's like,

Speaker 1 someone has an eyebrow. Who's famous? Someone has like above their eyebrow, it says something, and it's like undisputed or something.
And I'm like, why? On your face? Yeah. A word.

Speaker 1 Art would be tight. You know, like, like, you know, when like indigenous people or natives have face tattoos, that, but it's, but it's symbolic.
That looks sexy and cool. Yeah, that looks cool.

Speaker 1 I just don't want a word on my face. Like that.
Yeah. What does it say? Always tired?

Speaker 1 What does Post Malone say? Yeah, always tired. Yeah.
I don't, I, why, why, though? It's a very silly choice. And God bless you.
So much confidence, too. See, the cross makes sense.

Speaker 1 I don't mind the cross. The word is

Speaker 1 always tired. It's a big, what does that say? Oh, that's his address.

Speaker 1 673 east apple drive that's not bad one on the above like below an eye and one on the forehead that's not bad you know imagine this guy cannot walk into a pc store

Speaker 1 wow because they'll be like get out

Speaker 1 like imagine if he finally wants to switch to an android

Speaker 1 and they're like i'm sorry man not with that fucking bullshit on your head yeah but it's so funny when we were younger and you met any hot chick

Speaker 1 they could have anything on their body the most offensive thing and you still try to smash.

Speaker 1 Well, if you're also because when we were younger, times were like tattoos were a little bit more, it was a little bit rare.

Speaker 1 And the idea that, like, people these days, everybody has tattoos and they have them all over. Right.
When we were kids,

Speaker 1 not a lot of people had this many tattoos. Oh, oh, my God.
And when you saw people with a bunch, you were like, whoa, that's so fucking rad. They were like the rebels of the time.

Speaker 1 Now it's like, no, you would be scared. Well, they were, yeah.
Like in the early 80s, if I was walking in the street and some guy had any tattoo, I'm like, oh my god. Fight you.
He'll fight you.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's like, this is Escape from New York right

Speaker 1 I'm snake pliskin

Speaker 1 you are snake pliskin love that movie do you have tattoos I forget you told me no I don't have any we're gonna get one on the road that's right we have to get the bad friends a tattoo because you're a hundred thousand followers I was thinking of getting like a cartoon juice box right on my neck and the straw goes out to my mouth cool good idea

Speaker 1 yeah that's a very good idea you're gonna love that

Speaker 1 yeah all right yeah you're gonna love that forever i wanted to make sure you guys supported it before can i tell you the funniest version of that that you could actually get that no one will see?

Speaker 1 Have a juice box on your butt cheek and make the straw go into your ass.

Speaker 1 And no one will ever see that? That's so funny. That's so funny.
That's so good.

Speaker 2 What do you mean no one will ever see it?

Speaker 1 Well, no one will ever see it. Unless you want them to see it, I mean.
I'm saying, like, no one's going to know you have that unless you show them. You know what I'm going to get?

Speaker 1 Then you have to paint the inside of your butthole like grape juice. You have to do like,

Speaker 1 you have to stain your butthole.

Speaker 2 Already is.

Speaker 1 Like, have you thought about getting a tattoo? I've thought about it a thousand times. I have one I'm going to do.
What? On the road? Let's do it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get a tattoo of a penis on my penis, of a bigger penis.

Speaker 1 So dumb. What? What if you do black dick? What if you do blackface, blackcock? Oh, that's true.
What if you just did a black dick

Speaker 1 and it changed the way you felt about yourself and you had a bigger dick immediately? I mean, it would swell up for sure. Or you could even lie.
Go, this is Gary Coleman's penis.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is Webster's penis. All right, let's get a tattoo on the road then.
But you'll get one? Yeah. But on the ankle or something.
No, an ankle. What am I, a teenage boy and the ankle?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's like... No, I would get it some.
I'd probably get... You're not going to want it because it's a nightmare when you act.
You act a lot. You have to go in an hour early.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking nightmare. Well, you just get it on your wrist.

Speaker 2 That's what I want to do on my wrist.

Speaker 1 I think on my wrist, no one will see right here much because your hands are like this most times. Okay.
And then makeup to cover this up. It'll take three seconds.
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 So what would I get? What would you get? It's your body. I just want to write.

Speaker 1 I want like one polarizing word. Oh, shit.
You know? So many.

Speaker 1 Except one polarizing. Right? You know? I know which one.

Speaker 1 We'll say it on the count three. One.

Speaker 1 Well, don't do this. Yeah, Jesus.
All right, right? One, two, three. Freedom.

Speaker 1 I knew you were going to betray. I knew you bailed.
I knew you were going to betray. That's why I said freedom.
All right, hey, we're on the road. We're on the road right now.

Speaker 1 Right now, right now, this week.

Speaker 2 We're going to Virginia.

Speaker 1 Norfolk. Norfolk, Virginia.
Come on out and see us at the Chrysler Hall. No association to Chrysler the Car Company, by the way.
Yeah. A lot of people have been asking about that.

Speaker 1 Maybe it is, actually. Norfolk, Virginia.
And then the next day, we're going to be in Durham, home of the Durham Bulls, baby. I love it.
In North Carolina. And one more North Carolina day.

Speaker 1 They shot Bull Durham there. They shot Bull Durham there.
They shot him down. Then we go to Charlotte, North Carolina after that.
So we go Norfolk, Durham, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina.

Speaker 1 And then in the month of May. San Antonio, Texas, baby.
San Antonio. We go to Texas, baby.
We're going to San Antonio. Two shows.
Houston, then Irving, which is Dallas. People are like,

Speaker 1 it's in Dallas. It's between Fort Worth and Dallas.
It's Irving. Come see us.

Speaker 1 And then we head back to the West Coast at that second week of May. So for now, though, Norfolk, Virginia, North Carolina, Durham, and Charlotte, please come say hi to us in Texas.

Speaker 1 Please come say hi to us. Come say hi to us in Texas.
We love you, and you know, we want to thank you for being