We Hate Dolphins

Hey, Bad Friends!

We're going to be in Durham.

Then we're going to be in Charlotte. And then we're doing our Texas run, which is San Antonio, Houston, and Dallas, baby.
And Dallas, Texas, my friends. Once we're done with Texas, we're going to the Pacific Northwest for Seattle and Portland and Spokane.
Then we go to Arizona, baby. Phoenix, go get those tickets right now at badfriendspod.com.
Right now. Badfriendspod.
Badfriendspod.com right now. We'll see you out on the road.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? I'm a white dude.

I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
You've heard of the Moonies, though, no? What's the Moonies? What are the Moonies? I don't know what the Moonies are. The Honeymooners.
The Honeymooners? You're an idiot. Aren't they called the Moonies? You don't know what the Moonies are.
Tell us about it. The Honeymooners.
The Honeymooners is... That's...
You're an idiot. You're a moron.
Aren't they called the Moonies? No, you don't know what the Moonies are? No. The show The Honeymooners, I know what The Honeymooners is.
It's a good show. But you know what my favorite one? The black one.
The Jeffersons? No, The Honeymooners with Cedric. Cedric the Entertainer? They did a black Honeymooners.
What? No, they did. I swear to God they did.
Wait, when? Years ago. That's my favorite one.
With Mike Epps? Yeah. Mike Epps, Cedric, and who else is on it? Who are the girls? I don't know.
Gabrielle Union. Gabrielle Union.
Wow. Yeah.
Oh, we're watching this on the bus. We have to watch this on the bus.
We have to buy this on DVD and get it on the bus. I saw it already.
I saw it in 3D. What? Yeah.
To the moon, Alice. Yeah.
Her name wasn't. It was that and Avatar.
I stayed in the theater all day. That's it.
Yeah. Just honeymooners.
No, but the Moonies is a Korean Christian cult. Let me see the Moonies.
The Korean Christian cult. The leader has a crown on that's made out of bullets.
I'm in. I'm in.
Moon is the man. Look at this guy.
Look at this guy. A crown of bullets.
There's no bullets here. Bobby, what are you talking about? Was this a fever dream you had? He looks like a Burger King crown.
Yeah, he does. Oh, that's what it is.
You know, dude, I think it's a fever dream. Can you imagine if he got all this confidence while he was working at a Burger King? I can rule the people.
And they're like, listen here, Moon. You just rule the grill, okay? You're not ruling anybody.
Yeah, that hat looks like it's made out of paper. Yeah, it does.
It's a paper crown. Yeah.
Boy, oh boy, is that a metaphor, huh, for religion? A paper crown. Yeah, but anyway, they were huge in America as well.
And that's- Did you know any Mooners? No, but I tried to burn down the Korean church. Hell yeah, dude.
Did I tell you about that? That's always a good thing to say me and my cousin me and my cousin andy right went this is you know it's gonna sound like a lie when it's not okay and we um so we went to this korean church growing up and um they one day my uncle caught me and andy opening up the trunk of our of my mom's car and dad had a gas, you know, spare gas in there.

I was having it and a lighter,

and we're going to burn down half of the fucking church.

Why would you do that?

We hated it.

With nobody in it, though.

I think so, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I think so, yeah.

We were kids.

It's the same time where I beat my grandmother with a stick.

Oh, yeah, kid stuff.

Yeah.

Burn the church, beat the old lady, kid stuff.

Well, she was paralyzed from neck down, so she didn't feel it.

That's right.

I mean, she was paralyzed from neck down. Ah, she didn't feel it.
That's right. Yeah.
I mean, what kind of stuff did you guys get into as kids? I guess now that I think about it, we got in trouble for spray painting. We got caught for like graffiti.
Yeah. But that wasn't burning down a church.
But we didn't actually do it. I think we were scared, but we had it.
I don't know. You thought about it.
You went through the action of getting the gasoline though. Yeah.
That's a big step. Well, it's not as bad as shooting up a place.
That's true. Hey, look at me.
That's right. I just look at the bright side.
That's a bright side. You weren't a bad kid.
No, I would have friends like Bobby and I'd be so scared. Come on, we'll just burn the church down church down right like please don't make me do it but here's why well here's why it's not that bad it's your own it's your own religion you weren't gonna burn like it wasn't a hate crime because it's your own it's like you wanted to burn down the thing that you were connected to because you were mad about it but not just that i was mad at the at the idea that you know korean parents view their children as trophies right so you know you would hear like at a party uh my my daughter sue she gets three days she go haban right she's getting harbored by somebody no she's going to haban haban she's going to haban haban harvard iran harvard oh harvard yeah i'm just saying the way they said it i'm so sorry i thought you were saying i'll do it again and i'll try to make it more go ahead uh my my daughter so she gets three days she's going to harvard does that feel better that sounds great exactly yeah and then my dad dad would be like...
But imagine a conversation if they did that. Yeah, yeah.
My daughter so intellectual. Yeah.
She gonna go to Dartmouth. It's like a movie dub, but they didn't have enough money.
Yeah. God, it's so funny.
We only have enough money for Harvard, guys. So they what? They show each other off and the kids are trophies.
And my parents never... You wore a consolation prize? What? You wore a consolation prize? Yeah.
No, I mean, I think some Korean people thought I was dead. Because you didn't get talked about? That was never talked about.
What about Steve? Because he got straight A's. He did? Oh, yeah.
My brother was... My brother had Bible passages on his wall.

My brother's room, I swear to God, looked like John Doe's room in Seven.

Yeah.

Like a red cross, black walls.

It was weird.

He was fully in. He was fully in Christianity.

And then what happened is my brother lost state.

Wrestling.

My brother was ranked like four in the nation as a wrestler.

Wow.

And he went to state.

And I remember him, it just, there was so much expectation and pressure, and he couldn't do it. I mean, he was a great wrestler.
And that day, I remember seeing a switch in his eye his eye and they just became a pothead. Good switch.

Yeah, it's a pretty good switch.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you didn't damage anything as a little kid?

I remember being late.

Like when we had a curfew, you know.

Time out.

You remember being late?

Well, it was bad because my mom was like, be home at this time.

And I think it became like a habit.

Like I just kept.

How late?

Like hours. Like I would just disregard any rules.
Oh, you're bad girl wednesday night midnight you come home no maybe like seven or eight but i was in like fourth grade third or fourth grade what who are you what were you doing in third grade staying out till 9 p.m riding my bike with my friend oh hell yeah we weren't doing nothing bad but i remember when i stopped because i came home and my mom and sister set up the christmas tree without me oh wow was that the that was the payback that's how i would get punished it was like uh with guilt yeah did your parents ever give you the talk like what to do if like a van pulls up ready two van guys hey what's going on hey can Can you help us with this couch? Like lifting it? Don't bring it in as a... She's like nine.

Yes. Hey, what's going on? Hey, can you help us with this couch?

Like lifting it?

Don't bring it in.

She's like nine.

Yeah.

What's she going to do with this couch?

Because she's going to lift it and put it in the bag.

You want some candy?

That's the original one.

You never saw the signs of the lamp.

All right, let's start over.

Hey, you want some candy? Yeah. We know your dad.
You want some candy? It's no sugar. Is this 2023? No, I don't know.
Oh, the candy's vegan. It's vegan.
Yeah. Any of you want it? But you know my dad? I know your dad.
Yeah, Cliff? That's not his name. That's his nickname.
It is? Yeah. Oh, you guys must know him better than me.
Anyway, hey, come in the van. All right.
All right. All right.
All right. You wouldn't have done that.
No. No.
Yeah, yeah. No, but I remember one time we had this lake by my house, and I was hanging out with my friend there, Miranda.
She was bad influence. And we were probably breaking the curfew.
And this guy was fishing in the lake, which now that I look back is weird because I grew up in Tempe, Arizona. There's no fish in like- There's no fish in the Tempe Town Lake.
The suburban lake. Yeah, it's disgusting.
But he like gave me a frozen fish. What? And I brought it home to my mom.
She was like, we eating that oh really you can't you know this is a you can't raise your kids in phoenix it's just you just can't you can't they

i mean they're lovely that you turned out so wonderful but man we either turn out like

completely right wing yeah or doug stanhope yeah or her or that she's like she's like uh

you're like our doug stanhope you're what's it what's a female you're like debbie stanhope

Thank you. Right wing.
Yeah. Or Doug Stanhope.
Yeah. Or her.
Or that. She's like, she's like, you're like our Doug Stanhope.
You're what's it? What's a female. You're like Debbie Stanhope.
You're like Debbie Stanhope. I remember when we moved from the suburbs, I mean, from the city to the suburbs.
And I'll never forget. They were like finishing up a plate, like a window that was above our front door, like a little window above our front door, you know, and the kids.
I'm trying to visualize. Slow down.
Yeah. Say it again.
There was a window above our front door, right? Oh, I see. So it's like, let me look.
I'm looking at the door. Yeah.
And then I look up. Yeah, there's a what? There's a little like, is it like? It's big.
It's a good size window. It's a, but for birds to people? For birds to look in the house.
And a couple of kids in the neighborhood threw a big rock through it and shattered it before we moved in. Like before we were even out there.
And then we went to visit the house because the contractor was like kids broke in and did a bunch of damage to the house. Wow.
And I remember being inside the living room and being so mad because I was like, I do this stuff. You don't do this to me.
i was a little asshole i was like oh this is like the universe paying me back for being a little troublemaker i was like ah i'm gonna find out who did this i'm gonna kill those kids yeah i'm not kidding i was so mad because i was like they broke into my mom and dad's new house because this was our first house like we would lived in an apartment until then oh in the city in the city yeah and then i was like they fucked up my mom's first house like oh she bought it well my my mom and my stepdad did but i was like this is the first time she lived in a home did you invest yeah i yeah i invested i think i put in like i need other details 30 or 40 yeah dollars yeah and uh and i remember trying to find out who did it and then I found out who did it in the neighborhood let me guess yeah i guess his name starts with a b oh bartholomew that's right right that's a name right bartholomew bartholomew bartholomew j simpson yeah good he did it and then the guys that i found out that did that i became friends with with. Of course you did.
Of course you did. They were the kids I got caught graffitiing with.
It was like, as soon as I found out, I was like, you guys threw a rock through my mom's window. And they were like, yeah, we're just fucking around.
I was like, cool. Yeah.
I wanted to be friends with them. I was such a puss.
I thought I was going to like fight these kids. But then I was like, I kind of like their vibe.
Yeah. And they were like skateboarding and they were smoking.
And I was like, I got to hang out with these guys. Were you angry kid or no? I mean, I think I always harbored a little bit of like, uh, a little bit of anger.
I mean, the fact that like it was single mom for a while. Then she met my stepdad who was great.
Did you like him at first or no? No, I loved him. He was the man.
From the beginning. Yeah.
I thought he was so cool. He played basketball.
I love basketball. You know what I mean? He was like, he was a cool dude and was so cool to my mom.

So I loved him immediately because my dad wasn't around.

So I was kind of, I probably was upset.

A therapist would tell you I'm upset for my dad not being around.

But I was also bummed because when we moved to the suburbs, it was a weird thing. It was like a, it just like shocked your core where you're like, I don't like this.

I don't know anybody.

I would sit around.

I hated that. Like, I just didn't know.
It's hard to go out and make friends when you're a little kid when you're the new kid and doesn't know i didn't know anything about i didn't like it yeah i just didn't get it it's funny i there's a documentary called it was a book too it's called meet me in the bathroom we we've talked about it i talked about it with um jf last night you haven't heard of it Meet Me in the Bathroom? Meet Me in the Bathroom, no. No.
It's about the late 90s, early 2000s music scene in New York. Okay.
Right? And the Strokes, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, Interpol, TV on the radio, all these bands from Brooklyn and Manhattan. And back then, it's like they were just like all like just creative and crazy and on subways, you know what I mean? And just, you know, just acting a fool.
Young and going off. Young and fun.
And I just, I always knew that like when I grew up in the suburbs, I go, this is not the environment for me. Well, yeah.
You know what I mean? No. Because when I look at those kids, I'm like, no, that's what I would, you know.
Yeah. I'd be doing that.
Yeah. You wanted to be a troubled teen living in the city.
Just expression and like, you know what I mean?minded people yeah i was with like christians and you know i mean and like weirdos i don't know christians are great by the way i love them but korean christians though moons moons mooners are tough no but i just remember feeling like just bummed out and i just didn't like it and then my freshman year of high school my this kid james tickle was the first kid that i became friends with because he skated and he was good and he had a ramp in his he had a little little quarter pipe in his basement yeah a little mini no he had a mini in his basement and he did it we don't go down there and skate oh you're a skater yeah i was yeah when i was young wow did you like bones brigade and all that stuff i did i was like i loved i think like my favorite teams for the longest I always thought, I always thought girl was awesome. Girls are great.
Yeah. You know, like the girl chocolate crew.
I like those two. I'm more Baker zero.
Yeah. You like machine.
Yeah. I like toy machine.
I like Templeton. I like those guys.
I thought they were cool, but yeah, I just, honestly, I never knew you knew anything about skateboarding. Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's a commonality we have.

That is.

Tommy Guerrero once was in the OR.

I mean, Kevin Christie, we went bananas.

Yeah, because he was a big skate fan.

Yeah, yeah.

We went bananas.

It was like Tom Cruise walking in or whatever.

That's your Tom Cruise.

He's my Tom Cruise. Do you like his teeth? Tom Cruise? Yeah.
Does he have new teeth? No, I just... He's shooting a movie in space right now, by the way.
His teeth just bother me. I don't know what it is.
Are they too long? He fixed them. He fixed them? Yeah.
Don't remember when he was a kid? Oh, like 1981. You know when you join Scientology, they give you new teeth.
They do? Yeah, they give you new teeth. That image on the left is fake.
That's a doctor. His teeth are doctored for that role.
That's not what his teeth look like. Oh, okay.
Yeah. No, he had normal teeth.
I think he just got braces. They look like my teeth.
Let me see. Your teeth look great.
You have great teeth. I got to get good her teeth, dude.
I like like your teeth i've so many chips and chunks and my teeth are so messed up i like it though why didn't you get them fixed i i kind of don't give a yeah like a beaver huh yeah it's like a vampire yeah yeah have you ever seen uh look at look at will ferrell's uh teeth you want to see fun teeth his bottom teeth i always notice because you know your bottom teeth start to grow together? Yeah. Yeah.
Look at those bottom teeth. Oh, wow.
I love that, dude. Rocky Mountain High.
Is that the Appalachians? Whoa, dude. I've always noticed that he didn't do anything to the bottom teeth, so mine are going to get that way too.
Well, at least, you know what, dude? At least bleach them. No, I think let him go.

Who cares?

Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

It's so funny.

He's so cool and funny that it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

No, but I do think I do want to get him done.

I do want to get something done.

I've gone a few times.

I need to get certain ones fixed out because I have chips in all my teeth over the years.

I think the chips look good, though.

They're like a character trait.

I know, but they look bad on camera.

I'll see you next time. I'm like, I need to get certain ones fixed out because I have chips in all my teeth over the years.
I think the chips look good, though. They're like a character trait.
I know, but they look bad on camera. Who is that? Anthony Davis.
Anthony Davis, yeah. Before when he was a rookie.
Yeah, he got them fixed, though, right? Of course, yeah. That's nuts, but his eyebrow remains.
Yes. You got to keep the unibrow.
Oh, yeah, branding. There's something about unibrows that for some reason, it like when you're a kid you make fun of it and then you see it with an adult and you're like i kind of like it i don't know why interesting the frida kahlo of it all i like it it's something cool it's like such his face yeah it looks cool i used to shave between my eyebrows with a razor really when i was a kid mine would grow in pretty heavily yeah yeah and which is funny because it doesn't grow in at all anymore like i pluck it sometimes you know like but rarely yeah but when i was like in high school and my my the puberty was like at full mass and i was growing tons of facial hair i would have to shave i would use a razor to shave in between my unibrow because i didn't know about plucking.
I was embarrassed to ask my mom or dad about it. So I would get a face razor.
And my mom was like, why do you want new face razors? You don't even shave your face. I'm like, yes, I do.
I trim it up. Really? Yeah, I used to shave between my eyebrows.
Yeah, those are those things when you're a kid, like no one tells you. So you're not going to ask anybody.

Yeah, you're so self-conscious.

It's like,

I was like,

Mom, can I get Cavaricis?

You know what I mean?

And then I'm like, no Cavaricis, you know?

Right, right.

And then one day they just,

we were at Nordstrom's.

And she bought it.

And I was, yeah,

because I just begged and begged.

And I wore them for a year

and I just never wore them again.

Nordstrom was nice. Your mom took you to Nordstrom's.
Yeah, break dancing dancing you know the break dancing pants oh yeah did you buy those no uh well you didn't break dance i did yeah yeah i did but i had to use adidas track pants just we didn't we didn't have it like you dog yeah we didn't go to fucking nordstrom's we went to we went to like marshall's yeah marshall's was like that's good no it's not That's terrible. Or we'd go to like, what was the other one? JC Penney? No, there was one more with a K.
Not Kohl's, but there was another one. I feel like there was one more that I can't remember the name of.
We'd go to Nordstrom sometime, but my mom would go to Nordstrom's when I know she needed something nice. And if she went to Bloomingdale's, downtown Chicago, I was like, that's, I mean, that's like, would she buy in a Ferrari? In my mind, I was like Bloomingdale's when she had the little brown bag.
Yeah. I was like, whoa, my mom bought something real nice from the store.
Did you do before school started at the end of summer? Did you go school shopping for clothes? Yeah, we did. My parents would do.
We did. But I would use it.
But see, I didn't go to department stores much because I didn't like the clothes. I wanted to go to like a skate store or I would go to, I'd go to like one store and buy all the stuff.
I wasn't good at, I'm still to this day. I told you that story.
I went to, I went to the, I took out money because I was like, I need jeans. This is like two years ago.
And I was like, you got to buy new jeans, dude. You just got to go get new jeans.
And I took out a thousand dollars cash or something like that. I don't even remember how much I had.
I took out a bunch of cash and I was like, you got to buy new jeans, dude. You just got to go get new jeans.
And I took out $1,000 cash or something like that. I don't even remember how much I had.
I took out a bunch of cash. And I was like, you got to just go get a couple pieces of clothing.
And I walked into the store. And I saw someone that I knew personally.
And I turned around and left. Really? I immediately got in my car and went home.
Yeah. I don't like shopping.
It just gives me a lot of anxiety. So you don't like going to the dressing room or whatever and try things on? That makes me so sad.
And they come out from the mirror. I always do like poses.
I know. I really do.
I do like this. This is one.
I do this. I think because I kind of like, I have this like, I hate myself a little bit when I shop because I don't want to, I don't like, you know, I don't like the way my body feels that day.
So I'm like a chick. I'll like get in the mirror and be like, fuck these fucking clothes.

Fuck this shit.

Bullshit.

And I'll just leave.

I'll get mad about it.

You're like an old school dad though.

I just have insecurities about clothes.

I don't like it.

I never liked, so I don't like going to shop and it's not my thing.

It doesn't, I do not like to go to a store and be like, I want this and this and this.

Why'd you get the hat?

And what the fuck happened?

What do you mean?

This is just a t-shirt from Kith. I ordered it on the oh you did yeah and this hat was also bought online oh wow that's interesting to me i can't go into a store i don't like going to stores and shopping it bothers me so much i don't know what it is but it gives me like an uneasy feeling in my chest that's with all like if you buy spoons yeah spoons freak me out you go in there spoons drive me nuts what? What shape? Too big? Too small? I don't know if these are going to be fit in the slot.
I'm being 100% serious. Are you being real? This stuff like that drives me crazy.
Oh, I love shopping for spoons. Well, you're a spoon man.
I'm a spoon man. I'm the spoon man! Door Dash! You know, Andrew and I travel a lot.
A lot. And, you know, sometimes we're in a town and we need food or groceries and whatnot.
DoorDash is the number one delivery system here. It's insane.
You know what's so good about it? If you're missing something, you know, you're missing syrup for the pancakes or jelly for your peanut butter and jelly, or you ran out of your favorite coffee cream or DoorDash grocery delivery now, you can get what you want right now when you need it. What a convenience.
This convenience of getting what you want right to your door is incredible is incredible door dash grocery uh it saves all this hassle of getting in your car when you're in the middle of doing 10 other things and you have to go to the store and wait in line no thank you they will get it for you get exactly what you i get cat litter you do yeah yeah you do get my cats for me for you just to roll around and that's not that big of a deal uh i actually just door dashed last week door i did door dash grocery delivery and i got myself some veggies because I had the meat, but I didn't have no veggies. And I was like, I don't want to go to the vegetable aisle.
Just get on DoorDash grocery delivery, and they bring it to you. Yeah.
When I go to Hawaii, there's a tonkatsu restaurant that's only on DoorDash because they have the best restaurants. They do.
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That's boxofawesome.com. Enter the code BADFRI boxofawesome.com and enter the code badfriends at checkout boxofawesome.com enter the code badfriends today the only way i like shopping uh is for somebody else i'm not i'm not i know that sounds like oh but no really like if i have to buy her something love it because then it's like i don't feel guilty about the money because it's not for me and then also it's like I get to know that someone else gets is gonna enjoy it you know what I mean for me it's my worry of the money why am I spending this money because I've always had that because of my fucking parents and then I'm like I don't need it it's a suit it's an insecurity I've always had I don't know why but But if I had to buy you like a $5,000 gift,

I wouldn't even think twice about it.

I literally would be like,

okay, I'll buy it for Bob.

Yeah.

Because I just,

I've always had that weird thing in my mind

where I'm like,

you don't deserve that.

You don't need that.

But if it's for someone else,

I wouldn't even think twice about it.

Yeah.

You know that game you play in Christmas

where like everyone buys one thing,

you put it in the middle of the room.

White elephant?

Yeah, white elephant.

Yeah.

And they would say, well, you know, it's only $100 minimum. Oh, yeah.
Right? I always buy $1,000. Do you know why? Because I want somebody to go, like, who got me this fucking computer? Yeah.
Right? And I'm like, I don't know, who would buy a MacBook Pro with two terabytes with the new M2 chip? Well, I don't know. You are invited to this year's white elephant.
Yeah, yeah. I love it.
And then you walk out of there with a new set of spoons from him. No thanks.
No, thank you. Do you like that with stuff, with shopping and stuff? I love shopping.
You love it. What do you love? I like clothes.
I like clothes and especially clothes that we're on stage. But I feel like you like vintage stuff, right? Don't you like throwback shit? Thrift shopping is cool.
Yeah, thrift shopping, yeah. And like independent, like I like going on Melrose because there's smaller.
Melrose is all independent, right? That's all from stuff downtown. So it's like cool stuff.
It's not like, you know, a bunch of mass produced, like of the same shirt. Oh.
Yeah, like no one's going to have the thing that you're wearing. Yeah.
Almost like thrift store. You like thrift stores? Yeah.
Me too. We should do a thing where we all pick a name out of a hat and we have to buy the person we picks outfit for the day oh that's fun this is a game that people do on tiktok have you seen this where the a boyfriend and a girlfriend for the date for the night well they'll go to salvation army or they'll go to a thrift store and they'll go to like the pants and the shirts and there's something and there's something and then they'll close their eyes and they run their hands down the line of their size like in the large or whatever and and they close their eyes close their eyes and the other person says, stop.
And then they have to wear that shirt for the night. And then they have to wear those pants.
That's fun. We shouldn't play that game.
Okay, let's do that. So we'll have to do that for one of the cities.
We also have to do this. We have to go to an old school mall in the Midwest and go to some weird photography studio.
Yeah. And like go dress like from the 80s.
100%. We have to do that.
I'm so down. On a day off.
Well, no, I think we should dress. Everybody does old school.
Let's dress like we're from the future. Let's wear shit that doesn't exist.
But no, we go to the thrift store and pick out stuff that we think is going to be in the future. I'm down.
Let's do that. I miss malls so much.
Me too. Did you guys hang out in malls when you were a kid or no? Yeah, when the Chandler fashion mall.
Ooh, that fashion mall. When that opened up, boy oh boy.
It was packed. Yeah.
We had UTC. You know what UTC is? You ever see fairs? Not fairs.
You ever see... With Sean Penn.
Oh, Fast Times. Fast Times at Richmond High.
It was based on that mall. We had that in San Diego.
UTC. Yeah.
That's like the mall. There was the mall.
It's in La Jolla. And then we had North County Fair.
Whoa. It was the best.
Back up. And I used to drop acid.
You know when people drop acid, they go, let's go into the nature. Not me, I wanna go to the mall.
Oh my God, that's like a nightmare for me. That's what I like.
That's crazy. Yeah, I like, it's like, everything's Hellraiser.
Everything is Hellraiser. Yeah, the spike guy with the face.
Yeah, it's the bastard. Welcome to Pacific somewhere.
Can I help you? Yeah. Spencer's gifts went off.
Yeah, you're a nature guy then. When I do drugs, 100%.
Houlosanogenics. Put me to the sea.
Put me by the water. Put me by like mountain ranges.
I don't want to be near a bunch of humans when I'm on drugs. No fucking way, dude.
I like it. I want to ingest the earth because i'm taking the earth in my body i want to see the earth and feel it while i'm tripping i actually one time though me and my buddy tyler got high as shit on mushrooms and went to a haunted house because we were like let's see how fucked up we could get and we were in line for this haunted house and we started tripping balls and the whole time like i almost wanted to hold his hand i was freaking the fuck out just in line to get in this because it was a haunted house in the middle of like cornfields in like rural illinois whoa it was so dope they turned like an old farmhouse into it they do this all the time because illinois once you get way way out you go two hours out it's fucking nothingness you know yeah so we drove out there and we ate the mushrooms on the way tried to time it perfectly which we did and by the time we got there we're waiting in line and i was having a full fucking panic attack because i heard the noises coming from inside and then also people's conversations it was like flowing over me through me so it sounded like a lot of like the screams were behind me in line while i was waiting i don't like and these two chicks were in line with us and had to have been you know know, somewhere in the same similar age range.
They seem maybe a little older than us. And they were like, are you guys scared? And Tyler was like, we're on shrooms! This chick was like, oh, cool.
Walk with us. We're scared.
And at first I was like, I don't want to be near other people. I don't want to be near other people.
But she like held onto us.

Like the girls would grab onto us while we were walking into the house.

And it like centered the fuck out of me.

And for some reason I felt like I was so tripping.

I was like, I'm her protector.

I have to be strong right now.

You became a knight.

A knight.

Wow.

A high knight.

Yeah.

So I was ripped out of my head and I was holding her close.

And I was trying like every time something would jump out, I would like flinch a little bit and then get real tight and be like get out of here really yeah i was so ripped wow and then after the at the end of it i thought okay we made it through this thing like we made it through the haunted house i was like these chicks are gonna want to hang out with us and they're like later and they just got in their car and fucked off and then we had to wait until we calmed down to be able to drive home because I was still lit up. So we had to go to the snack shop nearby and just sit and eat.
Is that a store? Huh? Is that an actual restaurant? No, it was like a little cafe was next to it for hot chocolate and all that stuff. Was it called snack shop? Snack shop.
Snack shop. Okay.
Yeah. No, it was called snatch shop.
It was a big vagina outside. Yeah, and you had to hit the clip to get it let in.
Oh, I love it. And we just sat there and watched people coming out of the haunted house for like an hour so we could like cool our high down before we drove home because I was ripped.
He was like, can you drive? I'm like, no, dude. No, no.
Things are moving. Yeah.
I couldn't do it. We got to go to Hell House.
What is Hell House? You know Hell House, right? No. You know Hell House? It's a haunted house.
I love haunted houses. In Texas, run by Christians.
Say no more. And then you go to a room and it's like a woman getting an abortion.
Whoa, no way. And then a demon in back of them.
Someone will play the devil. And at the end of the fucking haunted house, you go into a room and they try to convert you.
There was a documentary called Hell House. Is this just church? This is just church.
There's murder and there's scenes going on. This is real? Yeah, it's real.
It's in Cedar Hill, Texas. Sugar Hill.
How close are we to Sugar Hill on our trip? Cedar Hill. It's not in October.
They only do it in October. They only do it in October? It's a haunted house for Halloween.
Oh, for church. Yeah, for church.
And people go and it's like... Well, I guess it's worth the trip.
So we'll have to... Oh, it's outside of Dallas.
Yeah. Oh, we got to go.
Yeah. We'll be right there.
They still do it? It says... I mean, I think it's Halloween only because it said permanently closed.
Dude, there should be around the year haunted house. Don't we think there should be haunted houses year round? There be at least one i mean fucking halloween town in burbank stays open all year we could just wander around to walmart that's a haunted house but if we had a haunted house we kill one person a year so you have that fear oh right if you kill one person a year if we had a haunted house people would be like dude we could die you know what i mean ramon felizes died we're all from san diego in this scenario well we could die the one from san diego so ramon felize fucking god decapitated dude yeah dude fucking sick dude but this is fucking awesome because i never i've never i've been on the 50 times through this i've never fucking died dude never died yet dude yeah i did dude.
Yeah, I did. So, you know.
Why does everybody from San Diego sound like that? Why does everybody sound like that? Oh, hey, what's up? Because it's cool. Oh, fucking.
What's up, dude? That's my college roommate. Yeah.
He's from San Diego. Fucking Santino, dude.
Fucking. You fucking.
You get a quesadadilla light. We can fucking get lit up, dude.
Yeah. That's exactly what he sounded like.
Yeah. Or you go go to a beach and in san diego you can't go in the water because the locals they'll fuck you up yeah they'll my brother and i had boogie boards once and we're at wind and sea server did locals only you're like i am local no you're from where are you from man poway that's not local you have to be on that street whoa that's how they'd fight you oh they would fuck you up that's awesome no it's not what do you mean that's awesome because they don't own it yes they do maybe yeah they do locals only dog yeah you would be that way you would 100% be that way if you lived in that part you would absolutely be like locals only bitch you would 100% be the guy that fought people that came into the locals i don't know man yeah we said yes.
Everyone nodded off. You're absolutely that guy.
You're 100% that guy. That's true because when I grew up inland, we had an oak tree.
And no one was allowed at the fucking oak tree. Dude, people would look at the oak tree.
Locals only, dude. Like some kid would come up and be like, I'm from Playa.
And you're like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah.
Yeah. Trees there are Playa, bro.
Right. Like I was very territorial over

that tree. What did you guys have in high school? That was like, like we had, we had

the enchanted forest was like a little forest, like deep behind the high school where people

would like do drugs or get into fights or hook up and all that stuff. Do you guys have

like a forest or a meetup spot like that? No, you didn't. What did you guys have like a forest or a meetup spot like that no you didn't what did you go friends oh yeah yeah no i mean one spot i was so it's such a nerdy answer but it was just like the arts building oh no i know denny's denny's oh denny's right ours was taco bell really yeah everyone has like a restaurant or or well we would go to grandma's grandma's was an old restaurant like an old diner 24 hour 24-hour? Yeah.
Oh, my God. Oh, we did a Burrito Express.

The B Express.

Yeah.

My friend Jensen, 16 years old, we were at-

Did you think about Jensen Karp?

No, Jensen-

Because you said Jensen the other-

Jensen Roof.

He was one of my best friends.

Oh, okay.

And Roof, he-

Great, talented guy.

Is he dead?

No, he's alive.

Where is he at?

LA.

Well, call him up.

He's mad at me. Why? He's been mad at me for years.
What did you do? Because I won't call him back. Interesting.
The reason why I won't call him back is because the last time I hooked up with him, he still plays that game and I don't like it. Don't say hooked up with him.
Yeah, that was weird. That's not the right verbiage.
The last time I hung out with him. Oh.
Yeah, guys don't usually say hook up with other guys. We fucked.
Oh. Be more clear about it.
Oh, sorry about that. No, he does this thing where he'll touch me and run away.
How old is this man? He did that three years ago. How old is the man now? My age.
And he just touches you and leaves? He giggles, and then I have to touch him back. He's playing tag.
It's like whoever gets the last touch wins. That's tag.
So we're just running around a restaurant. Yeah.
And it's like, I remember the last time we did, I was like, I can't do this anymore. Does he have Asperger's? No.
He's talented. 47 years old, running around a restaurant.
I go, you can't use a table to separate us. We're arguing that way.
You know what I mean? And I just realized, I can't. We did that as kids.
We still play the fucking game. fucking game why not though we talked the other day about wanting to be more kiddie like you want to be like a kid and have fun and stop being so you know adult so let's do it well maybe if it's more violent I would do it like tag with guns no you're it no but like a punch the ass or something all right yeah yeah yeah I like that anyway when I was 16 Jensen we were at the denny's local denny's and he saw a girl there uh andrea yeah and he goes she's hot and i go well introduce you and he went on and introduced himself they're still married in this day no way yeah it's beautiful that's gorgeous yeah so he has asperger's though for real no yeah he does he has as does.
What is Asperger? He likes- What? What's Asperger's? Is it a burger made out of ass? Yeah. It's a form of autism.
It's on the spectrum. Oh, you know, I've heard of it.
Yeah. I saw the show.
But you don't have old friends you grew up with like still do bullshit, like brings up stories from when you were 14. Remember fucking Andrew, dude? And he fucking got his nutsack fucking tied up in that fucking branch.
First of all that story yeah remember that dude you did that dude yeah yeah what do you mean when i connect with people that i grew up with we talk about the times that we had together when we were younger that's what everybody does when you get older that's not unusual there's one story they always go remember you drink pee to me well that's because your stories are hard to hear what do you mean well because you have a lot of stories where it's like that like remember you know that remember we all put stuff in your butt that one night and you cried all the way home and it was jellyfish jellyfish you know i was in hawaii at 16 and i had jellyfish markings on my body yeah right and they go you pee you have to let other people pee on you. Well, I didn't know.
I drank it. Like, they weren't specific.
You have to put it on the skin. Yeah.
Yeah. But I went behind a tree.
I go, I don't want one. I don't want it.
And I took a sip of it. And I came back and I saw everyone putting it on their body.
And they go, you have to put it on your body? Do you drink your own pee or somebody else? Mine. Well, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, ah, you you gotta be specific you do though that's right that's actually their fault yeah like you know like ben gay for instance right on the ben gay things it doesn't say you don't put it on your genitals they should put that on there do you put it on your genitals have you tried it no it's hurts so bad it doesn't seem like it belongs there i know I know, but I tried it.
Because isn't Ben gay for your butt? No, Ben gay's for muscles. Yeah.

What's the one for your butt? Preparation H. That one's for hemorrhage.
So wait. Dude, we got to play a game where you and I put Ben Gay on our penises.
Why would I do that? It's such a fun game. It's funny.
Okay. Oh, then you're putting it on your pussy.
Yeah, you think it's so ha-ha.

Yeah, you're getting involved.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm down to do it.

Everyone has to put it on each other then.

Put it on yourself.

God damn it.

Yeah.

So anyway, I don't like old stories.

Well, I don't understand.

It's a connection to your youth and to your history.

But guys, sometimes guys do it every time they see you.

I know because- Remember, dude?

Your stories are funny and embarrassing, so they're funny to talk about let's move on I understand I drank the pee you know what's so funny it's so funny that you didn't you didn't ask anybody you just drank the pee I got jellyfish pee that's all urine dude your own urine really yeah I'm not doing it in front of you I went behind a tree that's you know what honestly i'm on your team on thank you so much here's why why because if someone if you're like jellyfishing the will pee it's got to be pee in your mind you wouldn't go well i should piss on myself right how do you do that right you would never think that you're gonna well they gave me a cup oh well then that was probably a tell that that you should drink that you drink yeah i see I see where your brain went. They gave you a cup.

One of those red plastic cups.

A solo cup.

Yeah, a solo cup.

And I pee and I'm like, here we go.

You think two things.

Here we go.

I was like.

You get a solo cup and someone says,

Pete, you either think we're playing a weird game of beer pong.

Yeah.

Or I'm going to drink my own piss.

Yeah.

So I get it.

Can I ask you another question about pee?

Yeah.

I'm being real.

And then we'll move on.

We can move on from it. I'm saying we'll.
Maybe I shouldn't even ask. Let's get this one out of the way.
Okay. Yeah.
Why? Why are you so uncomfortable about it? No, no, no. I just think pee pee poo poo we can get.
We'll have to get through at some point. Oh, I mean.
We only talked about it for two minutes. Yeah.
Okay. You know what? I'm going to save it for later.
No, I want it right now. Okay.
Really? Yeah. Because when you pee, it's all the same.
Sorry? Like when you pee every time, it's like yellow and warm. That's right.
Right? Yeah. But you drink all kinds of liquids.
It's interesting, is it not? That it comes out like that? One way. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the darker the pee, the worse it is.
It means you're more dehydrated. No, I heard that there's more vitamins in your system.
It depends. It depends.
If you're flush with vitamins, then it could be a brighter yellow. Oh, I see.
but you're more dehydrated no i heard that there's more vitamins in your system it depends it depends if you're flush with vitamins then it could be a brighter yellow oh i see but you're not

if your personal bobby lee not humans if your piece coming out really dark yellow

bad bad news okay yeah tell me if that happens oh yeah what is that every time what's dark

okay and murky you know what it reminds me of?

The water on Yoda's planet.

Deck up a system.

Deck up a system.

Let's look up the water on Yoda's planet.

Yeah.

That's what it looks like.

Yeah.

Oh, Bobby.

Drink that water.

Yeah.

Yeah, drink some water.

How much water do you drink during the day?

Honestly.

Sometimes never. During the day, sometimes you during the day? Honestly.
Sometimes never.

During the day, sometimes you never have a sip of H2O.

Let's start.

Let's do that.

Let's start doing that.

Yeah, that's good.

What does it do, though?

It keeps you alive.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's so funny, man.

It's the only thing you need.

I'm learning.

Fancy?

Don't laugh at him.

General recommendation of the National Academy of Medicine suggests an adequate intake of

daily fluids, about 13 cups and 9 cups for healthy men and women 13 cups is repulsive that's so much water 13 cups of water you seem to be drinking it all day you're supposed to be drinking it all day yeah but you can live without it how long can you live without water it's only like three days three or four days three days and then your muscles atrophy and they drain themselves and then you die.

Yeah.

Three days.

The body needs a lot of water to carry out essential functions.

So three days, dude.

Okay.

When was last time you- You learn something new every day.

Yeah.

Something I think you'd know by now at 51.

I haven't gotten around to it.

But I got to tell you, if you've lasted this long without drinking water,

like there was a guy on one of those My Strange Addiction or whatever

who only drank Coke and never drank water. But isn't that a form of water? Water is in there.
Yeah. Yeah.
But it's not a healthy amount. You know, there's a person that only drank Coke.
So if I was on some sort of deserted fucking planet and I only had Diet Coke. Deserted island or planet? Planet.
So there's Diet Coke in outer space? There's a vendor. God bless.
Yeah, yeah. There's one's one of those machines yeah there's just a diet coke machine that's just getting filled also there needs to be a coin machine next to it can you imagine aliens are like we have to give them diet coke but like if you're and and there's oxygen on this planet but it's deserted could you not survive off of that as a liquid or no no well okay let's see growing body of the engine suggested diet soda consumption correlates with an increased risk of a wide range of medical No.
Well, okay, let's see. Growing body agents suggest

that diet soda consumption

correlates with an increased risk

of a wide range of medical conditions,

heart conditions, heart attack,

high blood pressure, metabolic issues,

including diabetes, obesity,

brain conditions, dementia, and stroke.

Good.

I would love a Diet Coke right now, by the way.

You're good.

I'm never going to drink it again.

No, this is just in moderation.

It just means if you drink it all the time,

Carlos is drinking it right now.

Let's move on from Pumpe. This is no Pumpe.
Pumpe. Pumpe.
Pumpe. How long do you think you could last on a deserted island? I keep watching that nature show.
How long do you really think you could last genuinely on a deserted island? A deserted island or a forest? No, no, no. No, that's actually a very good question yeah how about how about on what kind

of island is it how about this on a deserted part of the world right where um where there is things

to forage like there are there are berries because if you go to canada and some of their islands are

like you know big trees it's very foresty they're way up north okay so how long would i survive yeah

with the knowledge i have now right now i think two weeks two weeks yeah that's really long that's a long time well i know how to do water how what do you mean how what do you mean i know how to do water i know how to make water how do you make water well you go to a river right and then you dig a little hole next to the The soil filters out all the bad stuff, and you drink the water from the hole that you made. Oh.
What? I didn't know that. That's true.
It's partially true. It doesn't mean it's not going to be – it doesn't mean bacteria can't get to it.
Because I don't have – It'll be cleaner than if it's – Yeah, but I don't know how to make a fire, do you? Well, I mean, I know hypothetically how to make a fire.

Yeah, I do too, hypothetically.

But if I have no tools, I'm on an island, right?

I don't know what a flint looks like.

Well, I mean, you could get anything that creates a spark.

Yeah, but up north, it's very damp.

Yeah, I know.

It's very difficult.

So it's like, for me, I'd be like, no, I would have to do that.

And I would try to eat like acorns.

Well, that you definitely can't eat.

Why?

It's a nut.

I know, but how are you going to get the acorn before they fall to the ground?

You're not going to climb a tree.

They fall from the tree like apples do.

But acorns, you're not going to eat acorns.

Toxic to humans.

Oh, fuck.

Well, then forget that.

Forget the acorns. One day.
Berries. I would eat berries, would eat berries yeah Berries That's better But you wouldn't kill an animal I would try Like a weekend Yeah But there's no way Because even professionals Have a hard time doing it They do Yeah I agree So probably two weeks You know what I would do I'd know how to get an animal By the way How In the wild I would get on all fours And spread my butt cheeks.
And I would do noises. To try to get it.
And I'm like, I'm coming up to it. Right? And then, and then what do you do? Stab from behind? Imagine you think that you're going to catch an animal by doing a mating call and it comes up and starts having sex with you but you love it so much that you can't kill it or you know what you do you let them enter and you clench your butthole so they're stuck yeah yeah and they're trying to get away and i don't know how what i would have well you'd flip yeah you'd have to use it well you'd have to use a jujitsu technique for sure all right just arm bar to bear i'll call uh um what's eddie uh what's hisan's got Eddie.
Eddie Bravo. Eddie Bravo.
Yeah. Do I have a cell phone? Mm-hmm.
I have one cell phone? Yeah. The bear has a phone.
Yeah. Oh, the bear does? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. T-Mobile.
Yeah. So it slips out of his pocket.
Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? They have pouches like kangaroos? Yeah, sure.
Yeah. All right.
So I grab it. Eddie.
I think I would call Eddie before the Coast guard you gotta call him first yeah yeah yeah so here's the deal that this is the situation i'm in you know and now you've asked me for many many years to take your class i apologize for that my bad now help me now help me yeah so i have a black bear right inserted inside my anus an afric An African-American bear. Oh, so that's my bad.
Yeah, careful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have an African-American bear, right? And it's like African-American bears' lives matter. I would say that just for the optics of it.
Well, you should. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they do. Right.
He's about to come. Right.
But I've clinched it. Because you know, Eddie, I have a very tight ball.
I know that, bro. You know that, right? And so what do I do? Do I try to grab his head and do a roll? You know what I mean? I mean, what's your suggestion? I think let him finish and then take him out for a meal.
Oh, I see. That's it.
How long would you last in a wilderness situation? I'm not sure because I don't know a lot of survival techniques, but I think I have a high threshold for pain. You do? And I could become one with nature pretty easy.
Alright, let's test the threshold. Can we fight you? Yeah.
I think we should do a bus fight. You want to do bus boxing?

I'll do bus boxing.

But you guys, it's got to be like each person can call it at any time in the trip.

Yeah.

So you just yell bus fight.

Bus fight.

Bus fight.

Could be 2, 3 in the morning.

Bus fight.

You got to wake you up and you got to fight.

Yeah, I would fuck you up, man.

I'd love to see you two fight.

He does fight me all the time.

I would fuck you up, man.

I really want to see you guys fight.

I would never hurt her.

I could take both of you on at once.

I don't think you could I'd fuck both of you guys up so bad It'd be insane At the same time 100% There's no fucking way I would beat the fucking shit out of you guys He'd get his 9 iron No weapons though Barehanded These are my fucking weapons Yeah Dude you against me and you doesn't matter Whatever you guys try to concoct I'll fucking kill you both You have no idea, dude About my legs Dude, you little roly-poly I'll eat you alive No, I have Dude, I have A couple of fucking knees sandwiches To your fucking stupid little face You're gone, dude You're fucking out Out cold I have HRS What's that? No Hidden. Spray.
All right.

So don't fuck with me.

Let me tell you.

You never.

It isn't hidden.

You have RS.

Yeah.

Just RS.

You have just RS.

It's not hidden.

Not even a little bit.

I have RS.

It's not hidden. No, because you would focus on her.
I would sneak up behind you, put you in a rear naked chokehold. The naked part you love the most.
I don't like that it's called that. You're not naked when you do it.
Do what? The rear naked choke. Just call it a rear chokehold.
Why isn't he called naked? I know this episode is going to come out much later. Did you watch the yesterday no this speech was fucking awesome he grabbed the mic from from rogan and look i'm not

a big uh ufc guy i i don't really watch it but on tiktok this speech wasush, shush, listen up. I want to say something.
People, Earth, I need to say something. Listen to me.
I hope every one of you behind the screens or in this arena can feel this level of happiness just one time in your life. I hope all of you can feel how happy I am just one time in your life.
But guess what? You never feel this level of happiness if you don't go for something in your own life when they knock you down, when they try and on you, when they talk about you, and they try and put their foot on your neck. If you stay, get that get that resolve fortify your mind and feel this level of happiness as you rise one time in your life but i'm blessed to be able to feel this again and again and again and again and again so good so good one of the greatest speeches i think i've ever heard a post a.
Like, honestly. Yeah.
The way he was saying it.

He's saying, he's giving himself props for being the shit, but also.

But he didn't thank Jesus.

Yeah, he did.

Oh, he did?

He said, I'm blessed to be able to do this again and again and again.

A blessing is saying I'm thanking the universe for something.

He's appreciating the world.

But the way he's saying it, he's saying, look at what I did, but take from this that you can do something.

Yeah.

But you have to fucking do it. You got to stop saying, i'm gonna i'm gonna i thought that was so great i watched that like four or five times this morning in bed being like what a great fucking message because he's not saying become a fighter he's not saying do he's saying get out of your own fucking way do the thing so you can feel this feeling of of of joy and happiness at least once in your life yeah it's it's great inspiration dude it's for me i'm dumb kind of yes what i'm agreeing with fast what it wasn't when i say that people know you have your say it again start again i'm sorry i'm sorry i, you are.
Yes, you are, buddy. I really, you know, I'm lazy.
You know that, right? Yeah, yeah. I procrastinate.
Yes. Yeah.
The only thing that I've done right in my whole entire life. This podcast.
This podcast. But this stand up, you know, walking through the fear of going on stage and doing that repeatedly is the only thing that I did right.
And it gave me such a big and beautiful life. Right.
So it's

like, I mean, I just love that speech. It's the same thing.
Right. Like, you know, we,

we have that one thing where it's like, I'm going to try this scary thing. And that's all I've done.

And it worked. It worked.
Oh, it's working. It continues to work.
And, you know, anyone out

I love done. And it worked.
It worked. Oh, it's working.
It continues to work. And, you know, anyone out there it's like, I know it's scary.
Oh, it is. You know what I mean? And it's like, oh, well, only this amount of people make it or whatever.
You can't think that way. Just do whatever you think you need to do.
You have to do it. You have to do it.
Yeah, yeah. Right, Juice? That's how I felt after Vancouver.
That is how you felt. That moment of happiness.
Yeah. And gonna feel it again and again and again let's go to juicy's corner real fast and uh juicy welcome back to juicy's corner we want to throw it to juice because she wants to tell us something pretty important whenever you're ready to so you go ahead thank you for being a bad friend no not yet we're not done i don't know what you're talking about don't get that shortcut Huh? Shortcut.
Yeah, she's trying to get out of it, huh? I don't know what you're talking about don't get that shortcut huh

shortcut

yeah she's trying to get out of it

I don't know what you're talking about

well no it's that

I know what he's talking about

it's that

inspiring

because when we were in Vancouver

backstage

you gave me that five minute

inspirational talk

about life

and about

you know what I mean

connections

do your

let's hear your style bender talk

yeah I want to see yours

because the fans

the fans at home

want to know

how did you get from 10k

to 100k

they think

how did she do it

let's give her a different sport

Thank you. Do your, let's hear your stylebender talk.
Yeah, I want to see yours. Because the fans at home want to know, how did you get from 10K to 100K? They think, how did she do it? Let's give her a different sport, though.
What sport would it be? Rugby. Sure.
Yeah, you're a professional rugby player. Yes, you are.
For the, you know, Los Feliz chipnucks. The chipnucks have been pretty good the last couple of years.
You used to have season tickets. Yeah, yeah.
Didn't you? To the chiptunks? I always sold them on SeatGeek though.

Oh, okay. So you're rugby team,

chiptunct captain, right?

And you're in the men's league.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Controversial.

You just won the fucking...

What?

Controversial.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

You just won the East LA Provisional Championship.

Two teams in it.

You and Echo Park.

Yeah, you and Echo Park.

But you still beat them.

Right.

And there's like eight people in this audience. But they're like, they love it.
What sport is it? Rugby. Rugby.
Rugby. Eight people in the crowd.
Two of them are blind. So I'm the Rogan-y guy.
Yeah, you are. You grab the mic.
You know what I mean? Yeah, let me just take this real quick. Will you give it back? I got the mic now.
Shut up. Hey, listen, I can't believe where I am at Los Feliz.
I just won the rugby championship, and I just want you guys to know that if you work hard and you meet somebody more famous than you in the rugby division, they will build your following ten times, and they will give you a platform to shine. And if you just practice your rugby skills and you get that platform,

you're going to make it.

Thank you, God.

It's rugby, not golf.

What's a golf?

No, this is a rugby.

People do that.

In rugby, when you score,

everyone goes...

Yeah.

It's part of the celebration.

Is it cricket?

No, it's just a part of the celebration.

Yeah.

Okay. It's like saying, yes.

That's what it is.

I think I would know.

Yeah.

You would know.

Don't ever question her again, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

Don't ever question her again.

Morgan and Morgan, you guys.

I was just in a car accident a couple of months ago.

Luckily, I wasn't her.

But if I was her, I would have called Morgan and Morgan.

Do you know why?

They're the best in the world.

That's right.

In 2020, there was over five million car crashes.

That's so many.

Thank you. in a car accident a couple of months ago.
Luckily, I wasn't hurt, but if I was hurt, I would have called Morgan & Morgan. Do you know why? They're the best in the world.
That's right. In 2020, there was over 5 million car crashes.
That's so many. It's more than 15,000 a day and 600 an hour.
So many people that get into accidents don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I have insurance? Do they have insurance? How do I handle this? Am I going to be in trouble? Are they going to be in trouble? What is Morgan & Morgan? It's America's largest injury law firm.
They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers. Holy moly.
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I will not go downtown LA anymore. Fuck it.
Fuck it. I'm tired of people being like, it's getting better.
No, it's not. The last time I was fucking down there, we were downtown and the riots were going on, the protests and the riots, you know? And I pull into a parking lot.
I'm going to do a comedy show and I pull into a parking lot and some black woman's like waving her arms at arms at me and i'm like oh am i not am i in the wrong dancing she was just dancing no and then she's like this she's like going like this and i was like what the fuck is going on here's the roof that's what she's she was raising and i rolled down the window and i was like i was like oh is are we not supposed to park in this lot because i was going to a show and she goes no man you ain't you got no business being down here you out of here now. And I was like, for real? She's like, don't you know what the fuck is going on? I was like, I'm going to perform at a show.
And she's like, get the fuck up out of here. And I was like, okay.
I took the advice. And you left? Yeah, I didn't do the show.
And you called the guy who didn't said I can't. Yeah, I said, I'm not doing the show.
I'm not doing the fucking show. Wow.
Because she was probably giving me a warning shot. Like, dude, they'll probably fuck up your car.
No, they'll probably, you'll get out of that car. They're going to kick your fucking windows in.
They'll go, we saw some white, red-headed, you know, some fucking lollipop head-ass motherfucker get out of this car. And they would have busted up my shit because it was the wrong time, wrong place.
So I was like, fuck this. We're going home.
You do have that huge Confederate flag in your window, too. I took it down.
It's on the hood now. It's on the window.
Old faithful. What do you want me to do, dude? What'd you do with the Robert E.
Lee's little thing in front of your car? The statue. The little statue? Yeah.
It's a bobblehead. It's on my front.
It's on my dashboard. Is that now? Okay, I think that's it.
And in my horn, it doesn't honk. It goes, yee! But you still have the speakers and you're doing the turn diaries from it? Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Cool, that's good.

I love your car.

Black people, beware.

Beware, beware.

Yeah.

No, yeah, yeah.

I have the speakers on the roof.

It's great.

But yeah, that was probably a dead giveaway for her to get me out of there.

It was actually very nice.

I was very thankful.

I was like, okay, thanks.

I'm out.

Fuck this.

I'm not staying for that.

If there is a civil war,

if there is a civil war,

you think we'll win again? I'm going to Canada. I'll tell you that.
Really? I'm not staying for that if there is a civil war if there is a civil war you think we'll win again i'm going to canada i'll tell you that really i'm not fighting in that bullshit i'm not gonna fight i'll watch you can't watch they're gonna make you join they're gonna make you pick up a gun and join the the civil war if we have another civil war in america you gotta they're gonna make you fight everyone's gonna have to fight. What would be my position? Sniper.
Probably a ninja. You just hear the gun.
Yeah. Wow.
So I would have to fight. You 100% would have to fight.
Can I be in the back though? Like the last wave? No, they put you in first. Me and the minorities.
Shortest up front. No, it goes by height.
It's not skin color. Oh, really? Well, because it's like it needs to stagger yeah because it's the shape of 100 yeah and also the tall guys need to see the enemy and you would need to see them too you need to be in front of the tall men yeah so you're up there bud but i would run like this and you know i'm doing bicycling no is that a rickshaw this is what i'm running like this you know what what i'm doing? There's a guy in front of me, and my head's stuck, and he's my shield.
What are you holding on to? The back of his shirt. Yeah, but I think you just hold his butt cheeks.
Let's go, Tony. Hold his butt cheeks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just no way.
And then once in a while, come on. Let's go.
All right. What would you do in the Civil War? What side are you going to be on, first of all? Well, the side I'm going to be on, you know they're going to make me fight.
Yeah, you're going to have to fight. Because women are equal.
Yeah, they are now. Yeah, you guys asked for all this.
I cannot wait until that breaks out. And women are like, do you guys want us to sew again and do that stuff? And you're like, no, no, no.
You want to be equal, do you got to fucking pick up a gat and you gotta get imagine that me uh jesse natasha legger everyone that's short yeah who else is it brad williams you brad williams yeah yeah and we're just like we would lose yeah that's why i said i'm going to canada oh that's right i'm going to vancouver dude i'm going back going back. Come on, let's go talk.
You know what I mean? And Doc's in the middle of a way. Come on, man.
Wait up, y'all. Y'all are being ridiculous, man.
Wait up. There's no way.
But, you know, if we had a civil war, though, it's like we have new members. What are you talking about? Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I mean, don't you think MS-13 would fight for us? Gang members? Yeah.
No. What do they? You think they're more...
What? Leaning. What? What do you mean? What? What do you mean? What, what? Well, finish what? They're leaning what? You think they're leaning right? You think the south will get them? No.
No, no. First of all, it won't be divided north and south.
East, west? It'll be... East, west.
It's east, west. I knew that that was the new one.
East, west. Us versus New York? Yeah.
Oh, we're fucked. We're fucked.
Is Chicago east or west? East. They're East? Yeah.
Who do we get? Boise? Fucking, I think we get Boise. I think we get Albuquerque.
Oh, Mexicans. Yeah, but they'll go back.
Right, right, right. They wouldn't stick around.
Yeah, who else do we have? Utah. Is Austin South or, I mean, East or West? Texas is not going to be included.
They're going to be their own little thing. Oh, own little thing oh it's a four they're building a wall right now around texas to the united states not just mexico they're building it all the way wow because they don't want to be with us at all wow they fucking fuck us they don't like us but imagine if there was a north south east west war like a four-way civil war like a bracket yeah like a bracket war like Like, I think we would lose.
The West Coast?

I don't know.

We got a shitload of people.

We have a lot of people.

Oh, that's true.

But they're all like, you know what I mean, techies and stuff.

Liberal softies.

Yeah.

But, but, but, we will get a lot of tech war.

We'll win tech war.

Right.

Fuck yeah, dude.

We'll shut their shit down.

Right.

Shut down your machines.

We have nanobots.

Nanobots.

Do we not have nanos?

And Twitter.

No, we don't.

Elon lives in Texas now. Yeah.
Twitter is theirs. Yeah's theirs also fuck twitter by the way every time i go on it now it sucks it's all a bunch of promoted ads i don't even see people that i follow anymore i've opened it up a few times the last couple days and i shut it down immediately because i'm like i don't follow any of these people i'm just getting pushed promoted ads promoted accounts i don't literally don don't, literally don't see who I, I don't see anybody anymore.
So fuck Twitter. Fuck Twitter.
I'm out of it. Well, I haven't been on Twitter.
It's still stolen. Yeah, yours, well, you've been selling MacBooks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The amount of people that say they bought a MacBook from your fake account.
I know. Scares me.
I know, I think. Because those people get to vote.
Yeah. You're like, you drive a car and have a job and have a family.
You bought a MacBook from a comedian.

You didn't see that that was obviously a hacked account.

Yeah.

That scares me.

That scares me.

Well, I want a piece of it.

I mean, it is my account.

Well, you did.

I mean, you sold, I think you sold like 95 MacBooks.

You should get a piece.

Just reach out to the guy somehow and just be like, look, dude, you fucked me over.

Or why can I have it back?

Yeah, you should deserve it back.

You haven't had it in how many months have been? Almost a year. It's crazy.
I'm not even kidding. Or maybe you can get every other post.
Yeah. Oh, like share it? It'll be like what Tig does.
Doesn't Tig do that with her Twitter? She gives her Twitter up to other people. I love her.
I can't believe that never backfired. I thought for sure that would be hackable then because she would give it up to so many people.
I thought some hacker would be able to loop in and steal it. That's all right, but it's never been a problem.
But she just gives it up. You know this, right? No.
She gives her Twitter account to people to do a residency for a month. What? Still? Yeah.
I don't know. Yeah, I have no idea, but she used to for years.
She did it for years and years. Would you give me your Twitter account? I'm so fucking lootely not.
You'd turn into a Mac store. It's a nightmare.
Yeah. What part of hate group are you a part of? I don't like when people show their beliefs so outwardly.
All right. Let's start a hate group against people that show their beliefs outwardly.
What kind of hate group could we three start for real? Let's start a hate group of our own.

What do we hate collectively?

Like an animal.

What animal do you hate?

Let's choose an animal that people love.

And we hate it?

Yes.

Okay, well,

what do people love

that we hate?

Dolphins.

Dude.

Fuck them.

I'm not kidding.

Yeah.

Hate them.

Hate them.

Hate them.

Yeah, cut it out.

What's that mean?

Cut it out.

Get out of here.

Stop geeky-geeing.

Yeah, yeah. We get it Alright That's what they're saying We get it Dude Yeah You don't need a parade I was petting this dolphin one time in Mexico, and he like popped his head up, you know? And literally, like, you know, they put him on the thing, and I'm rubbing him softly, and he pops his head up, and he goes, did you show me where the poppers are? And then he dove back under.
It was nuts, dude. Wow, that's nuts, dude.
It was crazy. That's so crazy.
Crossing the line, man. It was.
I was like, I'm not gonna give a dolphin drugs. Yeah.
Nuts, dude. Because, do you ever see the documentary, The Cove? Yeah, we talked about it.
I love it. But you know, we should go against dolphins.
Is there a fuck dolphins group? Because we wanna start, because you don't like dolphins either, do you, Juice? No, I fucking hate them. Fucking hate them, dude.
I don't wanna see any dolphins that are here. Yeah, yeah.
You know what the worst thing too is If you meet a girl

And they have a dolphin tattoo

It's a fucking red flag

Red flag

That and like a clover leaf

You know how you guys do it

What are you talking about a four leaf clover

What's wrong with those

A tattoo of it

It doesn't scare me as much as dolphins

But there's not a

If a woman had a tattoo what kind of tattoo would turn you off

What kind of tattoo would turn me off

Thank you. It doesn't scare me as much as dolphins.
But there's not a... If a woman had a tattoo, what kind of tattoo would turn you off? What kind of tattoo would turn me off? Well, I'm not huge into face tattoos.
Because I don't know if that's a good... I like your face.
Right. I don't know if I want to see tons of...
But prove me wrong. Maybe I will later in life meet someone where I'm like...
We met that girl that had a bad friend's tattoo on her leg. Yeah, but that's rad.
That's amazing. Yeah, but it's not on her leg.
It's not on her face. Yeah, but she also colored yours in and mine's completely empty with no color.
That's right. Why? Because yellow was expensive.
Ah. Orange is like the cheapest color out there.
Oh, I see. I see.
I see. I see.
No, what tattoo would turn me off for real? Yeah. Actually, that's not- You know, I take it back.
I go back because there- I have seen some face tattoos that are like neck that bleed up that are sexy as shit yeah I just don't like like a word on your face oh I don't like that like the word like I've seen those people it's like someone has an eyebrow who's famous someone has like above their eyebrow it says something and it's like undisputed or something and I'm like why on your face a word art would be tight you know like like you know when like uh indigenous people or natives have face tattoos that but but it's but it's symbolic that looks sexy and cool yeah that looks cool i just don't want a word on my face like that yeah what does it say always tired what does post malone say yeah always tired yeah i don't i why why though it's a very silly choice and god bless so much confidence too see the cross makes sense I don't mind the cross the word is always tired it's a big what does that say oh that's his address 673 East Apple Drive that's not bad one on the above like below an eye and one on the forehead that's not bad you know what you imagine this guy cannot walk into a PC store wow because he'll be'll get out like imagine if he finally wants to switch to an android and they're like i'm sorry man not with that fucking bullshit on your face yeah but it's so funny when we were younger and you met any hot chick they could have anything on their body the most offensive thing and you still try to smash well right well also because when we were younger times were like tattoos were a little bit more it was a little bit rare and the idea that like people these days everybody has tattoos and they have them all over right when we were kids not a lot of people had this many tattoos oh my god and when you saw people with a bunch you were like whoa that's so fucking rad they were like the rebels of the time now it's like. Well, they were, yeah.
Like in the early eighties, if I was walking in the street and some guy had any tattoo, I'm like, oh my God. Fight you.
He'll fight you. No, no, it's like, this is Escape from New York.
Right? I'm Snake Plissken. You are Snake Plissken.
Love that movie. Do you have tattoos? I forget.
You told me. No, I don't have any.
We're going to get one on the road. That's right.
We have to get the Bad Friends tattoo because you're 100,000 followers. I was thinking of getting a cartoon juice box right on my neck and the straw goes out to my mouth.
Cool. Good idea.
That's pretty good. Yeah, that's a very good idea.
You're going to love that. It's good for acting.
Yeah. All right.
You're going to love that forever. I want to make sure you guys supported it before.
Can I tell you the funniest version of that that you could actually get that no one will see? Have a juice box on your butt cheek and make the straw go into your ass. And no one will ever see that? That's so funny.
That's so funny. That's so good.
What do you mean no one will ever see it? Well, no one will ever see it. Unless you want them to see it.
I mean, I'm saying like no one's gonna know you have that unless you show them. You know what I'm gonna get? Then you have to paint the inside of your butthole like grape juice though you have to do like you have to you have to stain your already is like have you thought about getting a tattoo i've thought about it a thousand times i have one i'm gonna do what on the road let's do it i'm gonna get a tattoo of a penis on my penis of a bigger penis so dumb what what if you do black dick what if you do black cock? Oh, that's true What if you just did a black dick And it changed the way you felt about yourself And you had a bigger dick immediately I mean, it would swell up for sure Or you could even lie Go, this is Gary Coleman's penis Yeah This is Webster's penis Alright, let's get a tattoo on the road then.
But you'll get one? Yeah. But on the ankle or something.

No, an ankle?

What am I, a teenage boy?

And the ankle?

I mean, it's like...

No, I would get it some...

I'd probably get...

You're not going to want it because it's a nightmare when you act.

You act a lot.

You have to go in an hour early.

It's a fucking nightmare.

Just get it on your wrist.

That's what...

I want to do one on my wrist.

I think on my wrist.

No one will see right here much because your hands are like this most times. Okay.
And then makeup, Okay. And then makeup, cover this up will take three seconds.
Yeah, that's true. So what would I get? What would you get? It's your body.
I just want to write, I want to, I want like one polarizing word. Oh, shit.
You know? So many. Except one polarizing, right? You know? I know which one.
We'll say it on the count of three. One.
Well, do this. All right, ready? One, two, three.
Freedom. I knew you were going to betray me.
I knew you bailed. I knew you were going to betray me.
That's why I said freedom. All right, hey, we're on the road.
We're on the road right now. Right now.
Where are we this week? We're going to Virginia. Norfolk.
Norfolk, Virginia. Come on out and see us at the Chrysler Hall.

No association

to Chrysler the Car Company

by the way.

Yeah.

A lot of people

have been asking about that.

Maybe it is actually.

Norfolk, Virginia

and then the next day

we're going to be in Durham.

Home of the Durham Bulls, baby.

Oh, I love it.

In North Carolina

and one more North Carolina.

They shot Bull Durham there.

They shot Bull Durham there.

Yeah.

They shot him down.

Then we go to Charlotte,

North Carolina after that.

So we go Norfolk,

Durham, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina and then in the month of May... San Antonio, Texas, baby.
San Antonio. We go to Texas, baby.
We're going to San Antonio. Two shows, Houston, then Irving, which is Dallas.
People are like, where's... It's in Dallas.
It's between Fort Worth and Dallas. It's Irving.
Come see us. And then we head back to the West Coast at that second week of

May. So, for now though, Norfolk,

Virginia, North Carolina, Durham,

and Charlotte. Please come say hi.

Come say hi to us in Texas.

We love you and you know, we

want to thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.