Bobby Goes Fishing

Hey, Bad Friends! Hey, you guys, we're Bad Friends Live. It's the best live show you'll ever see.
In your life. In your life.
And this week, we're gonna be where, Juicy? Where are we this week? Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, Kentucky, where the horsey's done racing.
The booze is made down in Bourbon County, baby. And then we go to Atlanta, Georgia, baby.
Atlanta, baby. Two shows in Atlanta, by the way.
First show sold out. First show's gone.
Get the second show. Where do we go after Atlanta, Jess? Graceland Soundstage.

Graceland Soundstage?

Where's that at?

Memphis, Tennessee.

Memphis, Tennessee, man.

Baby.

Norfolk, Virginia, guys.

Norfolk, Virginia.

We're going to be coming to you guys, and then we're going to do a little run in North

Carolina.

Durham, come on out and see us.

And Charlotte, before we head to Texas in May, those are the dates.

Come out and see us.

Go to badfriendspod.com.

Badfriendspod.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I've never seen Avatar. Why? I don't know.
Well, you're not a sci-fi guy. I'm not a sci-fi guy is probably the best way to describe it.
I've never been a sci-fi guy. I'll never be a sci-fi guy.
But your heart's closed. No, no, no, no.
I have no interest in that category of film. Oh, I like it all.
You're allowed to. I'm allowed to say no.
Do you like classical music? I do. Like, would you listen to it all day, all night? I do.
Do you like spoken word poetry? No, it sucks. Yeah.
I hate it. Yeah, people go there.
People go like in New York. I love New York, and I love people.
Yeah. I do.
I love both things. Yeah, totally.
But then they have those jams. They're at a coffee shop.
You know what I mean? Beatniks. You know what I mean? With their fingers and stuff, right? Hell yeah.
You know what I mean? And candles um candles why are there candles in case the power goes out oh that's right but it's like you know back in the day like with um uh ginsburg and back in the 60s the beatnik scene right i am you will we are make me right life, yeah, yeah. The white man wants you to think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am.

Yeah.

Less than.

I want to boo.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Thank you.

So that's what I'm saying.

I met him once.

Sci-fi films are spoken word poetry to me.

Not interesting.

I met Allen Ginsberg.

You met Ginsberg?

Yeah.

Where?

At D.H. Wells Bookstore in La Jolla

I thought you were going to say D.H.L.

I was shipping something

And so I had the

He wrote a book called The Howl

Or The Howling

What is it called?

That's Carlos by the way

He looks exactly like Ginsberg

They have the same hair

But you know what he wrote in my book?

What?

You watch too much TV

Allen Ginsberg

He's probably right Yeah but I don't know how he knew that he could look at you oh really you got a tv body oh like a turnip right yeah yeah you're more like a squash like a squash summer squash because they're yellow but i remember being offended like reading and going what the fuck how do you know fuck you bitch but he's right though but he's totally right yeah and the last thing I want to say about that is I chased Lou Reed down the street I love Lou Reed when I was 16 years old what do you mean you try to fight Lou Reed no I was obsessed with Lou Reed and so me and my friend Jensen went to his he had a poetry reading you know with his lyrics from his songs yeah and there was not a lot of people there maybe 60 people and and then he went out the back i mean just let's i had my velvet underground shirt let's go around right we saw him in the alleyway and we started running toward him he got in his car and just he drove away he's like that and he and when he, he went, Lou Reed. Yeah.
I've never chased a celebrity. You haven't? No, I've never chased anybody.
My dad, I've told this on this podcast before, but the first celebrity I actually saw, well, the first celebrity I ever saw was with my mom in an ice cream store in Chicago. I saw that we saw the mother from, um, uh, uh, let me guess.
Yeah. Let me guess me guess wait what's wrong with me? Let me guess oh yeah Malcolm in the middle What no the mother and Malcolm in the middle? No, I was a child when this happened This was all about this many years ago.
I like this bonanza Is there mother in there? No, I don't listen to show.'s got to be a mom in Bonanza. No.
Oh, how about this?

The one with fucking the guy that went to.

Exactly.

No, no, listen.

Can I just explain?

You guessed it.

Yeah.

The one with the guy that went to the thing.

No.

No, what's the one where Little House on the Prairie?

How old do you think I am?

You said you're young.

Yeah, but that wasn't on when I was a kid.

Little House on the Prairie? Dude, you're thinking about you. Oh.
I'm 40. You're 50.
you said you were young yeah but that wasn't on when i was a kid little house from prairie

dude you're thinking about you oh i'm 40 you're 50 i used to love that show it was the it was the mom it was kevin arnold's mom it was uh oh my god what's wrong with me why can't i think of the name of the show dude that's her right there yeah that's her from wonder years what's her name she was so sweet and so nice

and she signed a napkin

she signed it

huh That's her right there. Yeah, that's her from Wonder Years.
What's her name? She was so sweet and so nice. And she signed a napkin.
She signed a napkin for me at the ice cream store. She was the first.
And then the second one, we saw Tom Selleck in the airport in Chicago at O'Hare by the baggage. And my dad goes, Tom Selleck.
No, I swear to God. Was it embarrassing? Yeah, I was like bright orange, like hotter than I ever have been.
Just like illuminating orange, and then he looked over and kind of gave like a what? And my dad was like, hey. Really? It was so weird.
My dad. I was like, why did you just yell at Tom Selleck? My dad's never heard a song before.
What? What? He doesn't know what music is. He never heard music.
What do you mean? He doesn't know what it is. There's music when you're like in a store.
I know, but that's how anti like anything he is. He wouldn't know what Mozart was.
He wouldn't know what like Bruce Springsteen was. If you played him a song, it all sounds the same to me.
Just noise. Was he not allowed to listen to music as a kid? He's just not a music listener or a movie watcher or anything what did he do for fun when he was a lot work that was fun no earn money in fact he was so cheap we me and my brother went to his he owned a clothing store called fashion gal oh yeah we know we know and um he we went to his and he and i go where are the employees i know i do everything everything i do do.
And me and my brother looked below the cash register. There's a fucking gigantic jar of pee.
What? Because he has no employees, right? So he just pees. You know what I mean? In this gigantic jar, right? Welcome, welcome.
And they're like, P-U. What smells in here? Is that where P-U came from? Probably.
P-U. Yeah, P-U.
On the U. Dude.
But yeah, my dad doesn't know anything. And when he was dying, right? This is a really heartfelt story.
Give it. All right.
So when my dad was dying, my brother had air pods or whatever and he stuck in his ear right first he plays tribe called quest i mean that's a good way to start and my dad was started shaking right then i go no no no so i changed it to um eric lapton uh you know stare you know no uh if you saw tears in heaven tears in heaven tears in heaven I swear to God He had one tear He heard a song for the first time Then he died His last words on his deathbed He was just like Can I kick it Can I kick it Can you imagine Holding his hand and you're like Yes you can And he's like, can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Can I kick it? Yes, you can. And he's like, can I kick it? Or like a week later.
Yes, you can. Or a week later, we come back home and he's like, dressed like Tupac.
Like he's totally in it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like Biggie, why are you kidding? Where's the coaster? Juicy, how much fun did you have in Vancouver, Canada? Oh, it was amazing. I can't believe it.
She cried. 2,700 seats.
Juicy came out hot as a pistol. Didn't miss a beat.
Crushed. Crushed.
So excited. That was the beginning of the tour.
It's all smooth sailing from here, kiddo. We had a really nice moment, Bobby and I.
Yeah, really nice. Yeah.
She goes, because, you know, I mean, I've had a really bad couple weeks, and that show happened at the right time. It was awesome.
It was awesome. That's what Andrew's been saying.
I knew. I said it.
I said, this is exactly what we need to start the tour in Vancouver with a big, huge audience of people in Canada that were, like, so excited to come out. It was so awesome.
And we were leaving. I go, let's go.
We got to get a car chair or whatever. And she goes, no, I want to go back on the stage again.
So I went with her. I made him come with me.
And she goes, look. And you know, this beautiful theater.
Such a pretty theater. Beautiful theater.
Like stained glass on the ceiling. Oh, my God.
And I could see her tear up, right? And I went, you know what? You just taught me a lesson. This is it.
This is it. This is it.
There's nothing else. Living it right now.
Right now. You really taught me a lesson.
I was so glad because I didn't tell you at the time, but I think it was because I was pretty drunk. Because I didn't drink during the show, but then after, we kicked it in the green room yeah some guests came back yeah i drank one and a half ipas that'll do it back on the stage and i was like so it wasn't a real emotion no it's real but it was fueled but you but you were like are you getting emotional and then i was like yeah and then.
Stop. You weren't emotional then? You were faking it? Well, I didn't want to tell you.
I think a lot of it was because of the alcohol. Yeah.
But it was still real. I had a spiritual profound moment.
You were fucking drunk? Yeah, but wait a minute. Wait a minute.
People take ayahuasca to see God. So they're intoxicated with something when they see something else so i believe chemicals can sometimes open your brain to the spiritual world so this was her just realizing look at how beautiful this is oh you don't need chemicals you're above it you've you've transcended chemicals let me tell you i wish i had chemicals the last two or three weeks yeah well now you don't but now you don't need them.
With poo on my face in a hotel room, like in Mexico. How could I forget? Anyway, that was a great experience.
I'm so glad, you know what I mean, that we get to live through YouTube because it's like, here's the deal. When you've been in show business, so gross even saying that, but in this business as long as I have.
Yeah. I remember those first moments.
Huge. The first time you did TV as a stand-up.
The first time you did a theater, all that stuff. And I remember it being so powerful and like, you know, visceral.
And it was just such an experience. And as you get older, you just kind of like, we're always telling you, like, you know, the first time you play the belly room in the comedy store is exciting.
Yeah. But after the 10,000th, 10,000 000 time it just becomes like a thing that you just do right yeah it's like you you should take every moment and just go you know what this is this is great this is we talked well we talked about this before the show what's in front of you see what's in front of you stop looking this way and that way backwards.
What's right here in front of you right now? Yeah. It's like, that's the way to like live through life.
It's, you know what? It's almost like shoveling snow for people that grew up in places with snow. When you go outside, you see the driveway and you're like, fuck, fuck.
It's forever. But if you just look at the little chunk every time that you're getting a little chunk of snow, every time you start to just forget that there's all space and at some point then you turn around you're like oh fucking i'm almost done because instead of overwhelming yourself with look at all the shit that i have to do you're like well let me just take it one little chunk at a time just hire somebody to do that we didn't grow up with the san diego money dude we didn't grow up in poway we weren't fucking billionaires we did that for our snow in san diego you didn't get any I know And you know We paid too much for the guy We paid him $100

And I'm like dad, I don't... There's no snow.
It would be... Mr.
Lee, I will do your driveway but it's no snow for me to get. You want me to scrape snow for the driveway? It's winter.
Okay. So you have to do it.
You have to just see. I'm more curious because I didn't grow up in snow.
As a kid I did in Minnesota, but I don't remember. But why do you have to do it? Shovel the snow.
I don't know anything about the culture. How do you get your cars out? It's a driveway.
I see. Also, people need to get to your home.
That's how they get up up the driveway to your house wouldn't that be a great excuse not to show up to work though i'm stuck yeah it's a snow hello hello oh my dad my dad i don't know why i just did that i don't know i was trying to figure something out hello hi uh is this uh is this the boss over at uh over at uh where do i work oh i have pep boys over a pep boys hey is this mike yeah man hey mike i'm not gonna be able to make it in today why not man snow oh shit there's snow tons it's like four or five inches i can't go, man, huh? Snow. Yeah, if you can make it back.
I feel like you might be stuck at Pep Boys. Really good improv.
Thanks. I love our little improv.
Yeah, it's so good. They're really good.
None of you guys grew up with snow. That's fucking insane.
You're a Houston kid. You're from where? LA.
Yeah, you're from here, kind of, right? I lived in snow once, though.

Where?

In Flagstaff, Arizona.

Love, love Northern Arizona.

Yeah, and then my car got snowed in, and I just left it there.

Seriously?

You'd pulled a Bobby?

Yeah.

It was my first car.

Is that where Doug Stanhope lives, or?

Mm-mm.

Where does he live?

He lives in Bisbee.

Bisbee.

What's his Bisbee?

It's a little small town.

Yeah.

And it's just, it's like his town.

It's like he runs that whole fucking place. You know, I've known him longer than any other comedian, I think.
Stanhope? Yeah. I met him in 1997.
Yeah. Yeah.
He was funny back then. He's so funny.
Yeah, so funny. He's a professional drinker.
Nobody's better. I think Burt's probably one of the best, but I Stanhope is...
Like, I had a phone call this weekend with Whistlepig, my boy Patrick at Whistlepig, who's going to work with us with Whiskey Ginger. And he was telling me that he was having a few drinks with Stanhope.
And he's like, I just... Nobody can keep up with that guy.
But he's super coherent. He can drink all night, hang out, nothing.
Doesn't act like a fool. Doesn't like get all...
You know what i mean just keeps it keeps it level he's a nice guy let me ask you about burke reicher i love him great heart yeah and i and i think about him all the time i love him so much i don't know how his heart is with all that weight i mean right but is there are you ever concerned for him or no for? For the partying and all that stuff or no?

No, because I think he's got something.

He must have figured out something to keep balance. Yeah, there's something he's doing.

I can't figure it out.

I think he's faking.

Whoa.

You don't think he's drinking.

I don't think he's really drinking.

All right, call him out.

Say it right now, Bert.

You ain't drinking.

It's iced tea, huh?

I think I just did.

Well, then call it out.

Say how you really feel.

You think he's faking it.

Bert Krasher, I think you're full of shit.

Whoa.

I think you're sipping on it. One theater and now we go.
I'm kidding. So you think he never drinks.
You think it's non-alcoholic. That would be hilarious.
If he's like taking the shots and spitting them out. Spitting them out.
Yeah. Or he's drinking NA beers or he's de-alkalized booze.
It'd be smart. This is a good theory.

What?

Next time in the audience, if a beautiful woman wants my number, give it to him.

All right, let's talk about this. Let's talk about what happened.

That's fucked up.

There was multiple girls in Vancouver who were pretty that wanted to be Bobby's lover.

And one of them in particular was a young woman that was up in the balcony and was really committed.

Yeah.

And Carlos went up there to go let her talk. Yeah.
And she asked a question a question basically will you hook up with me is what she said yeah and carlos sabotaged the situation he cock blocked the situation by not only not giving her your number yeah but he tried to sneak a dm to her exactly i have a reason why though yeah celibacy you said you're doing a year of celibacy you said it last week yeah i know celibacy unless something comes my way you know what I mean for me it's like this I'm not going to pursue it but if it comes my way if I'm walking down the street and I see a vagina I'm going to pick it up because when you're chasing it it becomes like a drug you get the dopamine hits there's a mystery the chase all that stuff and i just feel like it feels unhealthy so i'm not i don't want to do that but it's like you know if i'm walking down the street you mean and somebody says here hands you a pussy that's like being handed a box with a ribbon on it or whatever it's got to be nicer than a dick for sure yeah d Dicks just get thrown at you. Always.
But I feel like that's like drinking a beer just because someone offered it to you when you're sober. Oh, this is interesting.
That's an interesting thing. Yeah.
That is interesting. If somebody threw a crack rock.
I don't have an addiction to that. You think I do? I think there's potential for it.
Do you think you're addicted? I know you always push this on me. Let's start there.
And who's more addicted you or me i'm you're way more addicted i was gonna call out a guy right who's maybe addicted when you're the most addicted it's like am i not right or no yeah but i can see my brother in arms like i can see my brother like like i can see as someone who's addicted i can see the traits of addiction famous for his own that's He goes out there. Andrew, have you noticed them? I saw what he did out there a few times.
Yeah. I mean, you're just swimming in ego.
That's not true. A girl said she was taller than me in the audience.
She did. Yeah.
What's good about Carlos, why I love him so much, is his confidence level has taken him farther in life than life was going to take him. you have to have that kind of bravado to last yeah you know what i mean he's got to have that swagger he's not tall he's not strong he's not smart he's bald he's gay yeah he's got all these things going against him he's like you know what your your type is as a man cr? Crumb.
Wait, that's what someone would call. No, like you're that category of white dude.
Yeah, Crumb. San Francisco weird artist.
Crumb. Yeah, drawing.
You don't know Crumb? No. Robert Crumb? You know him? Look it up.
Yeah, look it up. Robert Crumb.
You're that type. That's crummy.
That guy looks cool. No, look at him in the 70s.
But I'll this can i give you a compliment all jokes aside yeah carlos is a handsome cool dude he's got great swagger and that's why girls like him the problem is there's a balance between that's oh my god carlos that's you that's your type yeah your type that's the kind of person you are yeah he looks cool. Yeah.
His neck looks grabbable.

I should be so lucky to be Robert Crumb.

Yes, I agree.

He has Kirk Fox's neck.

Such a long neck.

Oh, yeah.

The giraffe, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

So talented.

What I'm saying is

the problem is, right,

both of you guys,

talented, cool, wonderful dudes,

you're both out there fishing.

What?

Even though you're fishing a little bit. How? By being on stage and being like- Just because I have a fishing rod? Don't make an assumption that I have a fishing rod, right? And I've got bait.
You know what I mean? That I'm fishing. Okay.
I'm just prepared for a big school. I get it.
But the point is, and Juicy can attest, she's actually probably the best balance of all this because she saw it all go down.

We need to have a regulated way.

If a girl says flirting with Bobby,

that you need to step back and let that happen

and let that thing go,

and then you can get your own girls, right?

Yeah.

I mean, how did they handle the situation?

You think it was bad?

Yeah, I think if they say,

I want to date Bobby, that should be pretty clear. Pretty clear.
Pretty cut and dry at that point. And there was two of them.
Yeah, there think if they say I want to date Bobby That should be pretty clear Pretty clear Pretty cut and dry at that point Yeah, and there was two of them Yeah, there was two Well, I just want to say The real issue is that Bobby and I Are now in the same dating pool Weirdly enough Oh, really? Yeah, you gotta change that water Yeah No, I think so What? I think so No Can I tell a story that Sandy Downs Told me? Yeah Yeah, yeah, please Is it about me? Yeah, but it will go full circle Oh, this is great Okay, tread carefully No, no, no, no It doesn't show you in a bad light But it was about when you were opening for Polly Me? Yeah And Sandy was saying that there was a point where you like passed this threshold of like now you're picking up all these chicks on the road, you know. And one time, anybody who knows Pauly knows he asked his opener to sell his merch for him.
And Sandy tells me that one time you didn't do that. Instead, you went, instead of selling.
I went fishing. Not only did he go fishing, but he went, he found these girls.
They wanted to hang out with him. You totally skipped the meet and greet line.
And I was told. No, keep going.
I like it. I remember where it was.
And then Pauly was so mad he took your girls. No, that's not the story.
How did it end? That's how weird. Here it is at the comedy store.
That's absolutely not the story It's insane It's fucking you know It's so fucking Let me tell you something I'm emotional Alright let me just get it out okay It makes me so angry This is what happened Display You guys as posters but you would you know you'd have a poster for like a year and they get shredded apart yeah you want something solid and something heavy and beautiful like this look up here right now look at that this display has both branded and artistic artwork they have over a million designs available for everyone including official designs from brands like marvel dc star wars netflix nasa plenty of games movies games, movies, including Bad Friends designs. Our Bad Friends disc plates are up there.
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Okay, okay. It was in Ohio.
Yeah, Columbus is in Ohio. It is? Yes, it is.
And I got it right. Yeah, you did.
Columbus, Ohio. And he's on stage.
I'm at the bar. Two beautiful girls go, Hey, we just thought you were so funny.
And I go, thank you. Yeah, that's how I said it too.
And they go, hey, we're just kind of drunk and, you know what I mean, we want to fucking hang, you know, and we think you're cute. It was like, you know, a present.
Yeah, that was the gift. So there was a limo driver that, you know, because at that time, Pauly had always a limo driver waiting outside.
Right?

So I went into the limo with these two girls.

What's so funny?

No, it sounds good.

Yeah.

And I'm making out with them, right?

And I'm like, oh, I won the lottery.

Yeah.

You're making out with both of them?

Yeah.

This is great.

I won the lottery.

And then all of a sudden the door opens.

He goes, what about me, dude?

What about you, dude?

He grabs both of them and they leave.

Now I'm sitting in the fucking limo.

Saddest limo.

The saddest limo on planet Earth.

But also the rage.

Yeah.

Can I say another thing he did to me?

Yeah.

This is crazy.

Yeah.

I'm in Shreveport, Louisiana.

Right?

He has a girl there.

Right?

I think it's a hamburger or whatever he's on stage I go into the green room the girl that he's with has my wallet in her hand because I took cash out and I left the wallet there and she's rummaging through my fucking wallet grabbing money and shit I go what the fuck bitch you know what I mean that's my fucking wallet I'm gonna tell Pauly Pauly gets off stage and I go this girl you're with stole money from my wallet and he goes so what dude and so for that whole weekend I had to be in a car with her after she robbed you? after she robbed you after she robbed me I had to sit there with them and just look at her and she was like look at me like what are you gonna do? you know what I mean? it was so painful and this is instances of white privilege that it just has gotta stop it's got white privilege has to stop that was white privilege that was why she she did it. Yeah.
Because she said, I'm going to steal from this little noodle. He's not going to do anything.
But I don't like the way that that story. So who told you that story? Sandy Danto? Yeah.
Okay. It's not a bad story.
I'm just saying that's what Carlos did to you. Yeah, that's what Carlos.
Yeah, that's what you did to me. He Paulied you.
You Paulied you. Yeah, well, this is actually a pretty good comparison, Juicy.
That is sounds like a Paul. There was a Paulie story, and I don't know if this is true, but that he would take those guys to Subway for lunch, because he was just like, you'll pay for the opener's lunch or dinner, and he'd take them to Subway, but he'd make them get the footlong, but he'd go, you could have footlong, but you have to eat half now half later they were only allowed to eat six inches of it at lunchtime because he wanted them to save it for the dinner because the dinner wasn't comp for openers at the club like the clubs will comp the headliner meal but they won't do opener me i mean some of them yeah back in the day they didn't they used to just goliners get a meal, but the opener would get like a discount or they'd get, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
But he said, I'm half now. By the way, full logs were $5.
He made me cry once. What? He did a prank on me, but I thought it was real and I literally cried like with panic.
Why? Because I go to the hotel, we're in Detroit and we go to the hotel and i open my door and he's behind me and he brings his luggage and everything into the room what and he got your hotel yeah he goes dude we're sharing a room and i go what yeah dude you know we're not making a lot of money on this tour man money. And he starts like taking stuff out of his fucking thing,

putting it in the drawers.

And I sat on the bed, right?

There was a twin bed.

And I literally just started crying.

It was like, oh, this is gonna be the worst.

Yeah.

But then he was like, I'm kidding.

And he went to this room.

But a piece of him, he was like, kidding, dude.

Then he went down to the front desk.

He's like, I need another room.

Yeah.

He definitely didn't have it planned.

He definitely did that last minute.

But I would not, I'll just, you know, I would never, I wouldn't be where I'm at today without him and his family.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I love them so much.

Yeah, that's right, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

There's good, there's beautiful history to that that we have to always respect.

But funny, quirky guy, dude.

He's a really interesting guy.

He's such a legend.

He's a legend.

Yeah, man.

Like every story is like, I don't know if this is true or not.

Yeah.

But I hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's the stories that we're gonna come off the road with anybody like early on no man that was a that was like a sore spot for me for some reason i i i i asked someone one time and i'm not gonna say who but i said to a headliner i was like yeah man you know a lot of i've never i've never been taken out like i never got taken out. And the person said, yeah, well, dude, you're pretty good for your age range.
Like you're good for your class. I think that would be my problem with you.
And I was like, yeah, but I still need it. Nobody knows me.
And they were like, yeah, but headliners would rather have someone a little bit less developed that they can develop. And they were like, you're gonna be okay and i was so mad at that that i was like yeah but that i need money like i need to go out with somebody and a not even a year later i got punked and when i got punked uh i was able to parlay that with a a shitty manager at the time who was getting me D rooms.
I was playing like Winnemucca Casino for $185. I've been there.
Oh yeah, dude, I did all that. So I was just headlining D rooms with 38 minutes or whatever trying.
So I started headlining quote unquote young, not legitimized. But by the time I got to a point then when i was developed i nobody i couldn't have gone out with anybody so it's almost like i jumped that step and then rogan started taking me out five six years ago i don't even know that's like oh come on man that's amazing no i'm saying that was the first i ever had was rogan was the first guy that was like you should open for me me.
And I was like, yeah, I'll open for you. I remember the first time I saw you.
At the store? Yeah. I know.
Yeah, you told us. Yeah.
No, but I said. I watched you.
I'm like, oh, no, that's a given. But I said, you know, the moment that I had that you had with Rogan, I will say this.
When he took me, we played Chicago Theater. And I went back home to Chicago.
and the stage manager said, I was looking at the stage

and I was like,

God, it, so big. It's unreal.
And he was like, you'll play it. And I was like, okay, dude.
Like, yeah. Okay.
And sure enough, then I went back and played it, you know, so those moments are like, like Bobby was saying before, look at the snow in front of you. Like that's, soak it up because those are that's why it's amazing yeah it's incredible to be able to be a part of that but yes no i got to skip over i skipped over that featuring thing for some reason i but i was so jealous man all my friends in my class were going out with people but every comic has their thing like you have that right but because i used to open for Dice sometimes.
Like, that would have been so fun. Mencia, Pauly.
But I never got to do festivals. Right.
As a young comic. I just never was invited.
You know? So it's like, you know, everyone has their thing. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I wish that, why didn't that happen? Or whatever.
But your path is your path. No, yeah.
And that's where there is no direct path. Like, you didn't know.
You don't know. You don't know.
You didn't know and don't know what's to come. This came and this wasn't planned.
You know what I mean? I reached a point where I was like, I'm not going to quit. So even if I'm just playing bars, you know, for the rest of my life, then I'll just do that And I'll be happy doing that.
And then I got the job and met you guys

and a lot has happened.

My manager will not stop talking about you.

Really?

Oh my God.

Does she remember my name?

Let's talk about, yeah.

Does she know her name?

What?

Does she know her name?

Yeah, there's something going on.

She's like, is Lindsay coming downstairs?

I was like, who's Lindsay?

No one is named Lindsay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know, Jessica.
Let's talk about what happened to your manager, by the way. Within the first hour.
This is concerning. Within the first hour, we go to get food.
She wants to smoke a cigarette. Borrows a lighter from the bartender.
Who was the dishwasher. Yeah.
Dishwasher's lighter. Right.
Who he needs that lighter. Yeah.
If you're washing dishes, I'm smoking. You're smoking.
I'm smoking. Yeah.
So gets it from the bartender who got it from the dishwasher. She goes outside, has a cigarette, comes back in within seconds, goes, I lost the lighter.
You just were smoking. Where would it be? Yeah.
So we're turning it upside down. and she's empt she's emptying her purse her pockets all this stuff and the bartender comes over good looking guy my god right holy shit they were all good looking and he comes over and he goes hey can I get that lighter and she's like I I'm so sorry to say this I I lost the lighter his face was so funny.
His face was like, are you keeping it? Because you just smoked outside. That was three minutes ago.
And then so he goes, and he literally goes, the funniest thing he goes, I guess I'll go tell the busboy, or the dishwasher, you lost this lighter. Like, you know, I'm mad.
He has to wash dishes. His job is already fucking annoying.
And then he goes, hey, what's up? And the guy's like, oh, she lost your lighter skin. He's like, what the fuck? So mad.
And guess where it was? She was sitting on it. Sitting on it.
So that's the first, like, that was the first time I went, hmm, that's a little weird. Yeah.
Airport. Airport.
So I'm sitting there with Jetsky and we're like eating the nice restaurant nice pizza bobby's giving me all

this wisdom about my career and show business and i could see from afar abby running around in circles sprinting yeah like she's running one way the other and i'm watching her going what the fuck is she doing yeah and she's sweating right and she comes and goes i don't know when my phone is

and she's like do you know where it is

no Adam we're eating. Where's my phone? Yeah, yeah.
And then she goes, she pulls out her computer. She goes, it's here.
Right. But I don't know where here is.
So then you had to leave the fucking table and go find. Where was it? It was at.
We found it pretty fast. A gate agent had it.
Yeah. And she could not...
She was like, why does the gate agent have it? And I was like, someone probably found it. Yeah, and gave it to a gate agent.
Yeah. Thank God somebody just gave...
They could have just removed the SIM and got a phone. Yeah.
Dude, she's multiple... And then what? The bag.
With the bag. They had to check her bag because they're...
All right, all right. And then she was like as you're gonna be on the plane or on it she's like oh my favorite part was every time it happened she goes i swear this never happens i swear this never happens it felt like a sitcom character's tagline you know i mean like a sitcom character like every time something was like like you know glue all over the place and she's like this never happens never happens.
Commercial break. I mean, it was so insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was concerning.
But Vancouver is so, it was such a cool city, so much fun. Oh my God.
And then we went out afterwards. We hung out for a little bit.
It was great. With a bunch of friends, a bunch of people that we know.
Mo Mandel was there. Mo Mandel, Jenna Sunday, and Ted was there who made these signs for us.
And then, what did I do? I said, Juice, time to go home. I had a call first thing eight in the morning.
So I said, Juice, it's time for us to go home. I got to work in the morning.
And she goes, yeah, I'm a little buzzed. So we get a car.
And I said, Carlos, do you want to take a car back to the hotel? What did Carlos do? I think I'm going to, look at it, he said it like this too, real creep style. He goes, I think I'm going to stick around.

I think I'm going to stick around.

And he said it real low and I was like, ew.

Right.

Ew.

And may I say this?

Uh-huh.

I think your eyes are too big.

What?

I like my eyes.

No, no, no.

What do you mean?

I could tell you.

I'm not going to name names, right?

Okay.

But there is somebody in your group that obviously doesn't like them. Me? Yeah.
Oh, right, right, right. Right? And you were like, yeah, I think I have a shot.
Oh, my God. And I literally went, wow, you have to get smaller eyes.
You have to get my eyes, right? Because you're swinging way, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, he's like an elementary school little leaguer, right? In the fucking big league.
His eyes are too big. Yeah, yeah.
There's no way. No way.
You're what I mean? He's like an elementary school little leaguer in the fucking big league. There's no way.
You're saying he was at Yankee Stadium and he plays T-ball? There's no way. What do you think? It's like I played at LSU and now I'm at Yankee Stadium and I'm like, oh, this is kind of like Louisiana.
She's so above your league. It's un-fucking-believable.
I agree that she's above my league, but I think I can make can make it to the next level the confidence i'm telling you this guy's confidence is staggering i've seen it in the past couple years i feel like oh i'm like what was the biggest hiccup in that whole thing though uh she was married she's married yeah that's how delusional but he's got i tell you i tell you he's got the horse blinders on and he was going he thought dude i think this girl might did me yeah and it's like and i didn't say anything because i was like yeah man yeah i gotta you gotta let the kid fly i got flaked on and that's why the wings well let me tell you yeah you know how the you know how that we've shown it on this remember the birds that we've seen that that are born on the cliff and the and the mom lets it out of the, they let it fall. And they hit their head the whole way down.
And the ones that wake up are the ones that get to carry on with them. But the ones that die, die.
I'm Mama Bert. And he said that, he goes, he's pretty good looking.
And I was like, oh yeah. And he goes, I think I'm gonna try.
And I was like, go ahead and fall on the cliff. I wanted him to put his head all the way down.
Why would I say anything?

I woke up though.

I woke up.

I'm here the next day.

This is my point though.

He did wake up.

He had a lot and he learned.

He learned.

I got to let him fall.

What am I going to do?

Wow.

But in the future, this whole conversation wrapped up.

Here's the deal.

We'll take a poll.

In fact, we should put a poll up at the show. Girls don't want to talk to Carlos.
Girls don't want to talk to Bobby. We can put a QR code up.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah.
That way you guys aren't fighting because fighting live. I'm not fighting.
No, no, no. I'm saying live for the, when girls say that they like you guys, great.
No more infighting within the family because it's going to be bad. I know, but if a girl walks up to me and she goes, I'm interested in Carlos, right? I will do it.
I mean, it'll hurt. It'll hurt bad.
It'll burn, right? But I'll do it because that's the code. That's the code.
I know it's going to be way late by the time this airs, but did you see this video of Kid Rock shooting a gun at the Bud Light because he's all mad about that campaign? Did you see this? No. So stupid.
Look at how dumb this video is. This will be weeks after this happened.
But look at this guy. Grandpa is feeling a little frisky today.
First of all, gross. That's what Carlos is going to be like.
You know Kid Rock looks like a Culkin. He does look Culkin-y.
Yeah, yeah, you're very Culkin-y.

Look at that.

All right, start it over, though.

Yeah.

Look at this opening line.

Tough opening line.

MAGA.

Oh, he's got a MAGA hat on.

Wow.

Wait, tough opening line, though.

Go ahead.

Grandpa is feeling a little frisky today.

Gross.

Let me say something to all you and be as clear and concise as possible. Gross.

Hmm.

Huh. Guy's a big Coors Light fan it turns out like loves Miller Light just hates Anheuser-Busch really hates him they did like a tiered campaign with that Dylan Mulvaney I told you about and so this is his response to that which it I gotta tell you seems like a logical response from a well-balanced human being can you imagine being so mad at a campaign you're like go get go get six cases of it yeah and I'm gonna shoot it in my backyard not one person in his circle is like I don't feel I don't even think you need to do that we could just not buy it anymore yeah if you really didn't like it it's like this is basically like Yelp review.
That's on the same level to me as someone that's like, the service was unbearably slow. You're like, just don't go back.
Just don't go back. How much is a bullet? How much your bullets cost? Yeah, I don't know.
For that kind of gun? I mean, let me guess. A bullet probably costs $1.50.
That's a pretty good guess. I would imagine.
Pretty good, you think? Yeah, 33 cents a round. Oh, wow.
Wow. They're really cheap.
Really cheap. That was Chris Rock's best joke from that special.
That's considered, oh, right. Just make bullets too expensive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why isn't AR-15 ammo so expensive? It's considered expensive, that price.
33 cents. Around, yeah.
Well, yeah, because, you know, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty expensive, I guess.
I mean, it is in the world because you heard he just, you know what I mean? Right, right, right. But really sweet, though.
I mean, really. It just feels like that's a message of love and hope in the future.
Shoot a bunch of cans of beer. I just, when the video popped up on my TikTok, I was like, why is this the move? Does he live in Virginia or something? It looks kind of rural.
Where does he live? I think he lives in Tennessee. He lives in Nashville.
Tell him to come to the show. It it's so weird you talk about chris rock special misplaced anger i like that part a lot it's he's got to be angry about something else yeah yeah that's 100 true it's like what is that what was that about like you had to have a bad morning do you know i mean let's let's go through his day that led to kid rock shooting of the bud light right yeah yeah okay didn't get any sleep last night yeah sleepless You know, because his Aunt Tilly is having heart surgery.
Tilly Rock. Huh? Wait, his last name's not Rock, is it? It is now.
It is. For the sake of this bit, it is.
Yeah. Yeah, Tilly Rock.
Tilly Rock. Great name, by the way.
But his Aunt Tilly had open heart surgery. You know that, right? This is her second one, I think.
Oh, fuck. I didn't know.
I don't know anything about him. I'm making all this shit up.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That happened.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Antelie.
Oh, that Antelie. Yeah.
She's great. Open.
Open. Her heart's open.
So she had, you know she had open heart surgery for the second time, so he didn't get good sleep, right? Yeah. In the middle of the night, he woke up a bunch of times to go to the bathroom.
He was rubbing his forehead a lot in stressful pain, looking into the mirror thinking, what if this is Till Dog's last day on Earth? And I didn't get to say goodbye. Because she's living in Canada.
Where does she live? She lives in Wales, England. Oh, she lives in Wales.
That's so far away. Wales thinks that's right, Wales.
Small town. Small town.
Far. So he's mad about that.
Yeah. Then he wakes up first thing in the morning.
He goes to get out of bed, steps on one of his dogs, chew toys. Right.
Goes right through his foot. But it makes the sound, so it's kind of funny.
But it went through his foot. And then in the distance, he heard his rooster die.
Yeah, when they die in mid good morning, that's a good morning, right? Is that what they're doing? Well, how do they do it? Good morning! Is that what they're doing? It's cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah, I know, but I'm translating.
Let's hear it. Good morning! That's awesome, by the way.
They actually went, good morning! Yeah, so they're doing that. So he died in the middle of sleep.
Yeah, he was... That's it.
Oh, no. Didn't get good sleep.
Worried about Tilly. Steps on his dog toy.
Punctures his foot. his foot rooster dies right then what happens at breakfast uh he found out his favorite show got canceled wow which one is what show got canceled it's this canadian show i actually watched it in the hotel room what's it called being erica oh being erica i love that devastating wait they canceled that show erica i might shoot up a case of Bud Light over that.
Yeah. Yeah, Being Erica did get canceled, unfortunately.
Well, he just started watching it, and so he didn't realize it ends at a certain point. So on top of all these things, now Being Erica gets canceled.
Okay, and so I bet his eggs taste it. It's so funny.
It's like a show that he would not watch, i love it how do you mean i mean look at it

there's no way kid rock watches that first of all the religion between erica and jack the guy in

the back right there this like constant will they won't they it's one of the best storylines i've

ever seen it's amazing and their boss derrick who's right to their their immediate right

yeah this guy derrick dies right it's a murder mystery he gets murdered yeah yeah that's right

they're all smiling in the classroom now but guess what dude when he gets shivved different world

so that ruins breakfast eggs taste bad right eggs are gonna right. They're all smiling in the classroom now, but guess what, dude? When he gets shivved, different world.
So that ruins breakfast. Eggs taste bad, right? Eggs are gonna taste bad.
Maybe one black guy in the show? I don't know. Well, that's why Kid Rock loves it.
Oh, that's why he loves it. Yeah, there was no black guy.
Oh, Kid Rock loves it because of no minorities. Better not be any blacks on that show.
Oh, it's a Canadian show. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
That's where Tilly used to live. I told you, you she was from canada and she moved to wales so he loved all the canadian stuff so then eggs tasted bad he had a bad breakfast this guy and then on top of all that stuff he goes on the internet right oh shit here we go and he sees yep this endorsement campaign for this dylan mulvaney with bud light and it's not about dylan mulvaney and Bud Light it's not at all is it? it's about Tilly, it's about being Erica it's about the eggs tasting bad, the rooster dies the toy punctures his foot the shower by the way, didn't even say that cold water only no hot water because a hot water heater broke in the middle of the night the same reason the rooster died right? everything was going bad.
So what does he do? He grabs his AK-47, he goes out to the field, and he yadadadadadadada, a case of Bud Light. Whoa, heavy.
That's what happened. That's what happened.
This is the real breakdown. It's not about the Bud Light.
It's not about the Bud Light. By the way, those were his cases.
He bought that for the party he was going to have tonight for Tilly's homecoming, but she got in the hospital. I have a question.

Can you eat a rooster?

You can eat anything. Let's Google it.

Can you eat a rooster?

Roosters can be eaten, but they're not commonly found

in the marketplace. The meat is much more challenging

than hens because it hasn't been bred to grow

fast and heavy like broilers or fryers.

If you decide that rooster

sounds tasty, make sure you cook them low and slow

for best results. So people do eat them.

Ah.

That's all I want to know. I've never had a rooster sandwich.

You know what I mean? if you decide that rooster sounds tasty, make sure you cook them low and slow for best results. So people do eat them.

Okay, that's all I want to know.

I've never had a rooster sandwich.

You know the photo to the right in that tube?

Yeah, the one to the right?

Just pinch and zoom.

That one right there?

What do you think?

What word?

What word? Yeah, what word do you think when you see that photo?

What's one word that I think when I see that photo right there?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, gross, probably. probably oh not me what missionary does that not think missionary no no i'll get my back i gotta tell you it does not look appetizing i can say that there's some erotic right or no carlos be honest yeah is that erotic to you guys? Yeah, the legs.
Like, the dark meat looks like... Yeah.
Yeah, it looks like she's getting fucked. Don't leave me alone with these guys on the tour.
Juicy, I got you. You're fine.
Wait a minute. That doesn't look erotic to you, Juice.
No. You guys are taking an anime out.
That's why the celibacy thing is not going to last.

We're getting hard-ons from... It looks like death to me.

Yeah, that looks death to me.

Are there any farms we're going to on the tour?

That's what me and Carlos are going to do.

I feel like we're chicken mom.

You guys are going to fight over the chicken.

Actor and comedian Bobby Lee was arrested today for fucking a rooster.

There are some farms on the way.

We'll get you something.

Bobby is going to be like, what are you doing, Carlos?

That was my rooster.

She said she liked me.

Yeah.

Bobby!

Bobby!

Do you ever think that?

Like, what would we do if you and I just lived on a farm?

Well, I'd be working all day, and then you'd be sleeping all fucking day,

so it'd be tough.

Yeah, but I'd do the night work.

Night work?

There is no night work. There's night work.
There's got gotta be night work. Yeah, there...
Are there fireflies? Yeah, what are you gonna do? I whisked them away. No.
Yeah. You want the fireflies? You want the fireflies? They're good.
Are there other ones that you don't like? Like ticks? No one wants Lyme disease. I know, but you're not gonna go...
I'm destroying them. Okay, you're gonna go find ticks? Yeah, I'm a tick destroyer.
Okay, this is not going to work. You know what you could do for me?

What?

On the farm that we work on?

What?

I'll tell you what you could do in the afternoon

because you don't have to do it in the morning.

You could be a beekeeper.

Oh, I love that.

You can keep our bees.

Can I wear the suit or no?

You have to wear the suit.

Oh, I don't want to.

Okay.

I'm going to be the first beekeeper to be completely naked.

What if you get your dicks done?

It's fine.

No, it's not.

Because they sense fear.

There's no fear.

I know why you want it.

Why?

Because it'll swell it up a little bit.

That's fucking rude.

That's fucking rude.

That's fucking rude.

You just want to get a swollen bee sting dick.

Yeah.

So you can...

Oh, you know what's funny?

That just reminded me. Whenever the girl, Nick, that used to cut our hair in Australia on the movie, she would say like, she'd like, we need a little trim today, Andrew? And I'd be like, oh, maybe.
And she goes, I'll just take a little off, just a bee's dick. That's what she used to say.
A bee's dick. A bee's dick.
Just a bee's dick on your hair. And she would just take just a little snip off.
She goes, just a bee's dick, not much. I was like, I love that phrase.
In America, if you said that at a corporate setting, they'd be like, you're fired. Oh, right.
You can't talk about dicks. As I put more chaps to come.
Every time I say dick, I got to put some chaps to come. There is a lot of work to be done on a farm at night.
So give me one. Harvest, equipment, transportation, maintenance, and pesticide.
Okay, so pesticide application. That one's legit.
Yeah. And I would do that.
Okay, fine. You'll hear the plane.
Boss, boss, the plane, the plane. The plane.
You're flying it, but I'm saying it to myself. They do it with the plane, right? Like crop duster? Yeah.
I would do that at night. Okay.
This would actually be a good, but in the morning, there's so much more work to be done. There's so much more heavy lifting during the day.
Oh, that's true. We'd hire what do you think we're doing we're going to buy a farm why'd you pick me to lift everything well you gotta help me out he's sleeping i'm sleeping you remember matt damon bought a zoo no this is bad friends buys a farm oh my god wait what was it called we bought a zoo we bought a zoo matt damon bought a zoo we bought a farm bad friends buys a farm if you or someone you know in your local community has a farm for sale please hit up bad friends pod uh and let us know because we'd love to buy a farm i think we should do it not only that i mean this is not a joke no no this is a joke oh it's not no it's not is it is a joke i want to buy a farm no i i want an animal sanctuary love that i want to like raise animals and stuff i absolutely love that yeah That's similar to a farm.
Yeah is yeah that's what i mean yeah so yeah we do want a farm yeah but he means but he wants free roaming he wants free roaming animals that are not touched for use of the farm oh i love that but like jurassic park but with pigs and we have a little you know the ride wait wait do we have patrons that are going to come see our farm yeah we ride. You're right.
Can we shoot guns on the tour? Yeah, we are going to shoot guns. Okay.
I refuse. No, you are.
No, because I'm going to get... What? Are you going to kill yourself? No, the kickback.
Oh, no, no, no. No, you'll put it on to the side.
I'll go with brain damage. We'll show you how to do it.
And I'm brain damage. I'll be your arms.
Yeah. I don't think I've never done...
There's a kickback, right? Yeah, but it's not like that. It's not that extreme.
It's not. I don't want to go pop into the bird falls.
Well, that'd be a good shot. That was pretty good, yeah.
What if I stand behind you and I'm your arms and I fire the guy? Oh, we could do that. Cutest thing on earth.
Like you guys are in Ghost doing pottery but with guns. But I can't see because I'm behind you.
You know what I watched on the plane was the, it was called, it was a new show on Netflix, like Wilderness People. It's kind of like the one that we both like where they put them in Alaska, you know, and they have to survive the longest to make money.
I love it. Yeah, but this one's wild.
I don't know the name of it, but it's, watch, no, that's not it. I don't know the name of the show.
I downloaded it, but the wild thing was, it's to win the money, you have to be with a team and the team starts sabotaging each other. So like at the beginning, the old one that's alone, alone is the one we used to like.
I love it. Where you win a million dollars if you survive the longest.
This one is you're with a team of people, five people, and you can only win the money if you're with a team. You can't win solo.
So some people drop out, some people try to switch teams, and then other people start sabotaging other teams like ruining their tents at night stealing their gear whoa that's a good one it's tight it's tight but they they only learn later in the series that they're allowed to kind of there are no rules like at the beginning they're all kind of playing by the you know the rules that you would assume is like we don't need to go near the other group we fish individually we dah dah dah but then at some point somebody breaks the rule steals from another camp because they're hungry how far can you go i can't tell you how it ends really it's pretty dark i'll go all the way you're just gonna kill everybody except for one guy you need a guy or girl with you because you need to win with a team does a guy have to be alive you can simply a team here they are yeah yeah there's something about bernie you mean can you do that by the way the combination of weekend at bernie's and something about mary might be one of the funniest movies there's something about bernie his dead his his dead body has just he just has come come in movies wow but imagine them dragging him to a party with jizz in his hair like there's something about Bernie that's true what a what a great movie it's a great movie what did you watch on the plane you better you guys better load up your iPads to watch stuff on the bus the streaming is gonna be tough you better. You better download, baby.
Oh, we can't. Wait, but

is there going to be a DVD player?

Yeah, there's a DVD. Do you have

DVDs? Well, I'm hoping we can

play a movie on the bus

at all times. Okay, we

will, but also, who has

DVDs? I'll bring the DVDs.

I've got the Matrix trilogy.

Love it. I've got

View from the Top with Gwyneth

Baltrow. Great.

I'm just going to watch my own.

Take out some George Carlin DVDs.

Let's watch some stuff with her.

I like TV on at night. Do you guys like TV

on at night? No.

No. No.

This is going to be a long time.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah question yeah please I never thought about this you know before I go to bed I masturbate yeah there's a rule we didn't talk about before I go to bed every night I masturbate, I be sleeping on the bus right we are, so what does one do you have to go outside in it doesn't have to be the woods. It can be the fields, but you have to jerk off.
You have to bring a jerk blanket. You don't know about this? No.
This is a tour bus staple. You got to bring a little blanket.
You lay down on the ground. You burrito yourself on the blanket.
You jerk off on it. Okay.
On the ground? Yeah, you got to lay down. Outside the bus? Yeah.
Or maybe, you know what? I'll take this opportunity not to do it. Actually, this is nice.
If you want to practice real celibacy, then no ejaculation at all. Yeah, I think I'm going to do it.
But if you go too long without ejaculating, you know it starts leaking out of you. Ew.
Through the digger. Everywhere.
Just everywhere. You cry it? You can.
You're like Jesus with stigmata? First of all, you wouldn't even have to tell us that you're jerking off You would just do it In your bunk Without us knowing Why would How loud are you When you jerk off Well I've never done a silent I'm ruckus It's a ruckus What do you mean You're audible When you're doing it Yeah I make Yeah of course Oh yeah You know what I mean No No Nobody makes noises When they jerk off like that He He's like, harder. I do.
To himself?

Yeah.

I go, to the left, to the left.

Well, Beyonce's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you guys make noises when you jerk off?

No.

No, that's insane.

Everybody is quiet.

When you grew up in a house with your brother and your parents, you didn't have to jerk

off quietly like a human?

Everyone has to be quiet when they do it.

Well, I always do it in the bathroom.

Yeah, me too.

In the bathtub, though.

You still have to be quiet in there.

Yeah.

You know?

I'll learn how to do it. I'll be a ninja.
I ninja i mean it's in your blood i'll masturbate like a ninja i gotta tell you the most embarrassing thing about learning to jerk off in the in the bathroom was my dad like what an asshole we're at dinner and i had just gone through you know really learning about how to do it and we're're at dinner and like, it's quiet.

And my dad has like shoveling peas in his mouth.

I remember him eating peas and he like takes a break and he's like chewing.

And he goes,

I've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom.

And my mom was like,

Hey,

and I was like,

Oh my God, they've been talking about it.

Wow.

It gave me the worst panic on earth, dude. Wow.
And after that moment, I didn't jerk off for like a day. No, it was, it fucked me up, dude.
It gave me so, I was so embarrassed. I was like.
But you did it through memory back then, right? What, jerking off? Yeah. Oh yeah, well back then you didn't have anything.
I mean, computers barely loaded a porno picture. It took like 25 minutes.
Yeah, we had to jerk off to the, you know what I did the most actually was Victoria's Secret. Victoria's Secret was my favorite, dude.
I'd steal that immediate. My mom never got one issue.
Never. Right.
I'd give her like the holiday one. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Then I'm like, yeah, I guess I only sent it out for Christmas. It's so funny how jaded we are now.
How spoiled we are, you mean? When it comes to that, if you said, I'll give you a million dollars, here's a Victoria's Secret. You might as well just give me the Bible because I'm not going to be able to do it.
Not going to be able to do it. Could you masturbate through a Victoria's Secret? I mean, 20 years ago.
Now. No, not now.
There's no way. I could probably now.
I mean, I don't mean. If I went two months without doing it, maybe I can do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But not next day after watching porn or whatever.

Do you need visuals, Juicy?

Sometimes, but also a pretty good imagination.

See, women have such better imaginations than men.

That's a creative Harry Potter.

Yeah.

What about.

There's a woman right with that.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

And she was jacking off to that when she read it.

She was definitely jacking off to her own stuff.

Also, your imagination. I thought you were were gonna say also the vaccines aren't real yeah also trump 2026 um no but i do think that most women in in in my life that i've ever encountered can do that without porn.
Don't need visuals. Yeah.
Don't need it. They don't need it.

Because... I do think that most women in my life that I've ever encountered can do that without porn.
Don't need visuals. Yeah.
Don't need it. They don't need it.
Because their brains are more powerful when it comes to sexualization. We are weak.
We are weak with that stuff. We need to see stuff.
That's why fucking men see things. And it's like, you know, like the cartoon where they get the googly eyes and the jaw drops.
It's because we're visual beasts. We need the thing to be like oh yeah they don't need that like women love to sometimes make love in the dark i hate the dark i do i need a little bit of a bathroom light i have a floodlight on in the room yeah i don't like it in the dark do you like sex in the dark um yeah i think better than yeah they like the dark because they don't want to see us oh really yeah i'm sure br Pitt nobody wants to fuck that guy in the dark I like you know you know what I mean no one ever fucks a hot guy in the dark yeah yeah we're getting fucked in the dark because that's standard yeah oh that's what it is I heard yeah yeah wow it's interesting the problem is they don't want to see us yeah I had a girlfriend of mine who every time she'd get up from the bed she would cover her ass she hated hated her ass.
What do you mean? She put her hand over her crack? With both hands she would get up and just cover her ass and go to the bathroom. That's very weird.
I never saw it. I never saw it live.
You never saw it? Do it live! Do it live! Do you think it's because she didn't want you to like thumb her or something? Why would I that well maybe somebody did in her past and she's now like yeah every time she gets up she's like well that's a thing that happens yeah she just hated it but do you cover your penis what like if you're with back in the day when you're with a woman yeah it's you know you know wherever you are yeah it's lit right yeah i sometimes after you make love you know it shrinks right? Yeah. Sometimes after you make love,

you know it shrinks.

No.

What?

It shrinks.

After you make love to a woman,

your penis doesn't stay hard.

It shrinks.

Back to its normal state.

I mean, I think post-coitus, I still stay pretty,

I don't stay hard,

but it stays pretty nice.

I mean, I think it's my favorite look.

Oh, you think you like it?

Yeah, it's like my fall look.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah.
When it goes down, there's my best... Oh, you do have fall colors.
Yeah. Yeah.
What season am I? You're 100% fall as well. This whole show is fall.
Oh, it is? Yeah, we're yellow and orange. We're fall.
Oh. And we also have a little bit of...
She's spring. She's definitely spring.
Yeah, summer spring. What's Carlos? Winter.
Yeah.

Winter nights. Old winter nights.

Freezing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice.

Yeah, and then... Pete? Winter.

No, I think... I gotta be honest with you.

What's the guy? Paul Bunyan?

He's... Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

I think Pete... Pete's autumn.
Oh, maybe, yeah.

Which is the same as

fall. A different word for fall, yeah.
but honestly but but autumn is different because you're you're different you scare us a little bit i'm not gonna lie there's days where pete comes in and i think he's gonna hurt us i'm a little bit serious yeah see yeah yeah and he's such a lovable creature when you know him you know him but man oh man there's days when i walked in today he Andrew? I said, I sure did, bud. Yeah.
And he goes, I'm back from Spain. Wow.
Yeah. You know, he was in Spain for like, how long were you there? One week.
Was it fun? God, it felt like so long. It was a lot of fun.
Would you go with Andreas or no? No, I went with my family. My wife's from Spain.
Oh, wow. I had this incestuous thing where like, he's with a Spanish girl.
Andreas is with a Pete type of girl. Love Spain.
Spain's the best. See what I mean? And George is with Filipinos.
It's all weird and twisted. It's twisted.
I don't like it. I like real Americans.
What? Like true Americans. I'm from here.
I just went on a vacation. Yeah.
Foreigners. What the fuck? Yeah, dude.
Get it right. Get it right, man.
Here's the deal. Well, I to louisville because sarah my ex-girlfriend sarah is from louisville louisville kentucky i used to go to her house and you know spend the christmases and stuff there i love louisville that's where the that's a cool we're gonna go see the horsies by the way you know that right i've never ridden a horse oh i love i don't think they're gonna let you on one but we're gonna go we're gonna be in louis this week, and then we're going to be in Atlanta.
We have two shows in Atlanta. The second show.
First show's sold out. First show's sold out.
Come get the second show. Second show.
I love Atlanta so much. Yeah.
One of my favorite cities to go perform in. And then we do- Memphis.
Memphis, Tennessee. By the way, we found out before this, drag is illegal in Tennessee, so we're going to be all in drag for almost the whole show.
Because I think we'll get fined. Isn't that where Elvis got in

trouble? Didn't he get a ticket in Memphis for

you know where did Elvis get in trouble for gyrating

his hips? He got like a ticket.

Did he get arrested for it or something?

Anyway in Memphis, Tennessee because

Tennessee is against drag we're going

to be wearing all

drag. Everybody is going to be in

drag for the show. Remember when Ozzy Osbourne

peed on the Alamo? Love it.

Did you know that? Love it. He was banned from

ever going to the Alamo for the show remember when ozzy osborne peed on the alamo love it did you know that love it oh yeah he was banned from ever going to the alamo for biting a bat there what but also have you been to the alamo i have yeah it's worth peeing on yeah i want to every time i look at it i want to pee on yeah they fought mexicans there fuck that yeah we don't like it don't raid the fucking building then in jacksonville florida that's where got arrested? Yeah. So stupid.
All right, so hey, Memphis, and then we go to Norfolk, Virginia. I bet you almost none of you guys have been to Norfolk.
I've been there. You have? Mm-hmm.
You played? Yeah. Well, we're doing it.
And then we're doing North Carolina. Hey, Durham, home of the Durham Bulls, great ball club, and then Charlotte after that in North Carolina, because after that in May, baby, in May, we're going to Texas.
We're doing our big old Texas run. We got two shows in San Antonio.
Houston, we're going to see his family. I want to say something just for – so that we can get along and I think we should – if there's resentments that build up or anything that we want to say, we should just say it at the time.
Okay. Because I don't want to hold in anything.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Are you going to tell us something now? No.
us something now no i don't know what's gonna come up okay right but there's like certain things like you know carlos don't do that you know i mean so i just want to be able to let's be mindful about people's emotions yeah because we're going on the road i've never spent that much time with you no no have you ever spent that much time with me no well i mean we we've gone on. Yeah, but that's different than this.
Yeah, this is like. Well, so I think we should have, this will be really fun.
You know what I think we should do? Let's do a bad friend's box. Put a box on the table and it's anonymous and you can drop cards in there anonymously about what's bothering you that's happening on the bus.
Okay, yeah. And then we'll read it off at the end of the week.
End of the week. Yeah.
Let's be real about after let's be real about let's not fuck around well let's just say it yeah yeah i'm gonna say it let's be honest and say it can i put my initials well then it's not anonymous buddy what's i'm not saying with the full name yeah but maybe i'll put his initials oh see that's what i'm saying that's gonna be my complaint she always puts my fucking initials how will you know yeah yeah you won't know i Yeah, I won't know, yeah. This is good.
Bad Friends box on the bus.

Bad Friends box on the bus.

Come see us live.

BadFriendsPod.com.

Come see us so much.

We're touring around

all over the place.

We're in the middle

of the tour right now.

Love you guys.

I love you guys.

Thank you for being

a Bad Friend.

Bad Friend.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.