Bobby’s 1st Year of Celibacy

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Bad friends!

Bad friends, we're doing it.

We're back, and guess who we're back with?

The return of Juicy.

Of Jamie.

Juicy.

Juicy.

Did you call her Jamie?

I didn't know.

I didn't know what you were going to say.

Jamie?

Is that Juicy, right?

Jessie?

Her name isn't Jamie?

Because you were going,

Jamie, and I go, Jamie. Okay, Jamie.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so Jamie's back.
Hey, Jamie. Jessie.
Are you excited to get on the bus and go on tour with us? Where are we going first, Bob? What city? Oklahoma. Oklahoma City.
City. You better come out and see us.
Kansas City. Is that the OK Corral? OK Corral.
Is that where that is? OKC at the OK Corral. Where else are we going to go? We're going to go up to Kansas City.
Kansas City. Great Barbecue.
Then we go to St. Louis.
St. Louis.
That's where The Wire? No, that's Baltimore. That's Baltimore.
Okay. My bad.
And then we go to Indianapolis. Oh, my.
I love that. Then we go to Detroit, Michigan.
Motor City. My sister.
My sister's going to that show. Your sister's going to be at that show.
Then we go to Louisville, Kentucky. Well, I'm going to go to Flint and drink the water.
Okay. It's supposed to be pretty good.
I love the water. We go to Louisville where the horses are.
You want to go see the horsies, buddy? Do you have miniature ones? Yeah, for you. I like the miniature ones.
They have ponies. After Louisville, we go to Nashville, Tennessee.
April 20th, 420. 420.
Bring your pot, bring your acoustic guitar and your cowboy boots

and let's boot scoot

and boogie down

in Nashville.

Where else are we?

Then we go to Atlanta, Georgia.

We got two shows.

Late show got added.

First show, done.

Late show in Atlanta added.

Atlanta, come on out.

Then we go to Memphis,

Norfolk, Virginia.

We go to Durham.

Come on, North Carolina

and Charlotte.

Then we go to San Antonio, Texas. One of my favorite towns.
How many shows do we have in San Antonio? 52. 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2 to Bayou Music Center.
And then we finish it up at the Pavilion. At a factory.
In Irving, Texas, which is actually where? At the Toyota. It's at the factory? Toyota factory? Everybody gets a Toyota in Dallas.
If you come out to the show, everybody gets a Yaris. Then we go to Spokane.
Those are like $7. We go to Spokane, Washington, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Phoenix, Arizona, where Juicy's entire friends and family are coming out.
Then we go to the Dingleberry of the United States, Florida. Jacksonville, St.
Petersburg, Hollywood, Orlando. Let's go and we finish off a few of these dates with two shows in Riverside, one in San Diego, and then we peel back off to the East Close, Montclair, New Jersey, Port Chester, New York.
Let me read one. Then we go to where? Baltimore.
And then I don't know that the little wire! Yeah, and then where?

Philadelphia. That's where the

AIDS movie is. That's right.

I love that AIDS movie. Tom Hanks is going to be

joining us on stage in Philadelphia at the Met.

Dude, out of all the AIDS movies, that's my favorite one.

It's your favorite. Then we have two

shows in Toronto where Drake is going to

be at one of the two shows. We're not going to say

which one, so hopefully you'll pick the right

one. And after that...
Oh, is the weekend coming? The weekend has nothing to do with Toronto. I don't even know what that means.
He's Canadian. Okay, cool.
I heard he likes me. He's going to be there.
Rochester, New York, guys, at the Kodiak. Rochester, Northfield, Ohio, Homestead, PA.
We're bringing it home, you guys. Let's party.
Go to badfriendspod.com. Come see us.
Badfriendspod.com.

Badfriendspod.com.

All right, let's start the show.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

I want to ask.

I want to ask, Jessie.

Sorry for calling you Jamie earlier. That's all right.
I just had a... my dad used to date this lady named jamie we hated her oh really tell me i want to know all about jamie yeah she used to steal stuff from us uh i remember she like went to like hit my sister one day and my sister was like 12 and she goes what are you gonna do hit me and i was like oh I thought it was the coolest thing i've ever seen did she have freckles uh why i i needed i need a description of my mind yeah but don't be discriminatory to people with freckles no if she says no it could be no yeah but she's taking a shot at me by doing that okay did she what kind of size breasts that's again that's at me yeah i'm a b plus right now is she average like five eight she'8"? She dead now.
Oh, she dead? Oh, so she's 3'1". They shrink.
She's 6' under. She's 6' down.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, why did she die? No, I don't know much.
It was just posted on Facebook. I found out a couple years ago.
What a bummer that that's what death is equated to now. Yeah.
Facebook. But when she died, did you cry at all? No, I was just...
Did did you smile so my dad's remarried and i love my stepmom and so and she's been in we've been in family for so long this is ancient history so i just kind of forgot about this lady it was just awful but but i think you told me one time i think you told me one time that she died jamie died in a crazy funny way what was was it again? Yeah. It was a whoopee cushion accident.
I'm not kidding. Whoa, what happened? She sat on it and it was like it like blew up but it also made the noise which is why I'm laughing.
Oh, she died. So she got it.
It was like and then she died. You know what a whoopee cushion would be even better? If you could put farts in it.
Putting actual fart in it. Yeah, because people put air in it.
But if you could actually put a fart in it, it gives it that double, you know what I mean? Like it's a fake fart, but not. It's real.
It's real almost. That's actually really.
But not out of a butthole. We should invent that here.
But how, how, how? What do you mean? How would you fill it up? Well, where do farts come from? We've got to figure that out. What is a fart?

Air?

It's gas.

It's gas.

It's a buildup of gas.

Check it out.

I got it right here.

It's air or gas.

Is it a gas?

It's a gas.

If you put air, let's say you put poo.

Think about it.

Poo in a plastic bag.

And then.

Yes, correct.

You could do that.

Does it turn into gas?

That's right.

It would.

Right.

Yeah.

Somehow put that. No.
Yeah. Put that in it.
Should I call my engineering buddy? I don't know. It's just an idea.
You need to look up this video right now. There's a guy that they, so sometimes they can extricate gas from cows.
Watch a guy release gas from a cow and then light the methane on fire. So check this out.
Okay. This guy extricates like gas from the cow and he lights it on fire.
Look at this. That's like a flamethrower.
Wow. That's because all the gas coming out of that cow.
Wow. The flammable methane gas from a cow is displaced.
What is it called? Ambolism? I got it. I got it.
You take the whoopee cushion. You put it at the end of that.
Instead of instead of lighting it on fire you let because it's coming out right but the but the flame is burning off the methane yeah we take the flame out you don't light it that's how we fill up whoopee cushions that's what I said I know but we sell we have to sell them full but then how do you refill them it's a one time use it's a one time use okay one time use you put that in the packaging I get it yeah one time use only, right? I'm in. And if you want to put regular air, you can use it after that.

But then it's going to taste like fart.

Oh, you blow into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It tastes like a fart.

Interesting.

Yeah, so anyway.

By the way, have you ever had a valet fart in your car when you go to pick your car back up?

He has.

What do you mean?

I farted in your car?

No.

Well, that's probably true.

Yeah, yeah.

No, but I picked my car up from the valet the other night. Yeah, yeah.
And 100% he farted in my car. You can't prove it.
That's why. What do you mean I was sitting in a car? You weren't witness to the fart.
It could be anything. I had dinner for an hour and 25 minutes.
Right. A fart cannot sit that long.
So I didn't do it. What's a rat? Huh? A rat? A rat? A mouse? You think I have animals in my car you think i have animals in my car where are these there could be a little mouse underneath your seat he farted yeah so the mouse farted check this out you're drunk one night you got taco bell right i never but yeah okay okay hypothetically okay get right half a bean burrito right mouse shit i've been down here for six months, man.
How did a mouse get into my... I don't know.
Six months is so long. It's a theory.
I got it. Bean burrito, right? He eats it, right? Farts.
And then he knows the valley is going in. I can blame it on this guy.
Right. Raul.
Right. Raul.
Well, he doesn't have to blame anything because I don't know the mouse is under there for six months. Okay, my bad.
How did he get the burrito? Who? The mouse. You dropped it.
Drunk one night. I dropped a huge burrito.
You were drunk driving. So first of all, I'm drinking and driving.
So the drive-thru. And I just drop a whole burrito under my seat.
Because when I used to get drunk, I used to wake up with like a, what do you call it? A sausage McMuffin with egg. You wake up and you're like, you have something on your face.
You know what I mean? Like a sandwich or something. You fall asleep.
You fall asleep like that. One time in college, we did the thing where I cooked a pizza I put in the oven and it caught on fire because I left it and I fell asleep.
Almost burnt the apartment down. My bad, boys.
It didn't. It didn't.
But it was burnt to a crisp and it was stinky, stinky and smoky, smoky. That was my fault.
I bet you are fans at home. Someone's falling asleep and put a pizza in the oven.
I've done that, but I took it out, but it was already burnt anyway. So I just woke up the next morning and there was a burnt pizza in my bed.
Did you eat it? No, but it felt like a one night stand where I woke up and I was like, oh, what did I do last night? What did I do with you last night? Burnt pizza. Have you ever made a homemade pizza? Yeah.
I tried it. Oh yeah.
No, you go to what Vons and they have that one thing it's like um yeah what's it called it's like it's already crusted well they have pizza dough no not pizza dough it's another thing that's already like the and then you just put cheese and it's crust no it's pizza crust that's already cooked yeah right and that's what i meant and frozen no not frozen where what do you mean i can't even explain it it's like a dried i know what you talking about. Do you really? It's in that clear bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's clear bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like baked already.
It's already baked. So it is cooked, like I just said.
Is that what you said? We keep saying the same thing. What is going on? No, no, I get what he's saying.
No, you know what I'm saying. Yeah.
Right, right. No, don't do that.
But whenever I did that, it just didn't taste good. I've never done it with a real dough.
Oh, I've done it with real dough. Really? Is it worth it? Yeah.
So worth it. I have a bread maker.
I'm not to brag. Rich now.
Tanya Papa over here. You have a bread maker? Little Tom Papa.
Where do you get that? My grandma gave it to me. Oh, it's one of those hand-me-downs.
Yeah, I guess. He doesn't like stuff like that.
I don't like hand-me-downs. Why? Because you can go to Bed Bath & Yon-Beyond and get a new one, right? Yeah, you can.
Like a high-tech one. I like mine.
By Dyson. It tastes better when it's made with love.
Look at that. Oh, wow.
It does. It does.
No, my friend's mom, my friend Michelle's dad, I mean, mom, my friend's dad had a brick pizza oven in their backyard. Brick oven, pizza oven, and it was- That's what they say.
It's good. It's so good.
And he would make us pizzas. I would sit there.
I'd eat pizzas all night. What do you do about sauce? What do you mean? What kind of sauce? Yeah.
Do you go like prego? No. You got to get yourself a can of smashed tomatoes and put it in an emulsifier.
You got to emulsify the smashed tomatoes, put parsley, you can put a little bit of bajaboo in there. And gajaboo.
You ever have bajaboo and gajaboo? I love bajaboo. Bajaboo and gajaboo.
And here's what you do, you emulsify the tomatoes, listen up, you just... You emulsify the tomatoes, put bajaboo and gajaboo on the back side, then you spook a spook a spook a baca all over the pizza.
And you put your toppings on. You put matz, you get fresh matz.
Then you put a little bit of basil. You like basil? I love basil.
Put a little bit of basil. You drizzle some olive oil on there, extra virgin.
You don't want them used. You want them extra virgin.
And then you slide it in there. Sebastian Maniscalco.
That was very good. Thank you.
What's a movie that they cooked Italian food and you were like, I want to eat that right now. I have it in my mind.
Casino. Goodfellas.
Ville Parmigian. Yeah, Goodfellas.
When they're in prison. When he's slicing the fucking garlic.
Oh my God.

When I watch that, I go, I want to eat that.

And also because his fingers are, his fingernails are oily.

I like that so much.

You can see the Italian greaseball oil coming off of his hand.

Yeah.

I'm a greaseball.

Sorry, internet.

Don't get mad at me. I saw.

What are you, Juice?

Are you Italian?

My stepmom's Italian, so I was like raised part Italian.

But I think I've got German and Welsh. German.
not good and a little bit of Jewish too I'm like an 8th Jewish don't do that don't do that thing I'm probably the same Jewish as I am German so they cancel each other other out. I'd say I'm Welsh.
I saw cocaine bear. Did you? Did you like it? I don't know why I made that separation.
When you said I saw cocaine I was like Bobby? Do we need to have a talk? Cocaine bear. What happened? How was it? It's a true story.
Yeah it is a partially true story. That was my biggest beef with it.
That's not the real. It's not? No.
Yeah, I was like rehab. No, but really, because if he's addicted, you know what I mean? He needs to go.
Yeah. But it was a pretty good movie, I thought.
It was? Yeah. Is there any stars in it? Ray Liotta.
He's in it? Yeah. Oh, no.
Is that his last movie? I think so. Oh, fuck.
That's tough. Yeah.
But I was thinking, like, what's part two? Is it Meth Bear what what's part two is it meth bear yeah you know what we the scare is bath salts bear oh oh my god i hung out with that guy hold on look at this poor little girl zoom in by the way to this girl look at what her parents did to her brooklyn prince fuck these people brooklyn prince also they spelled brooklyn wrong no she added the extra M probably. She did.
I want to be different. Brooklyn Prince.
She's 12 years old. I know.
I'm not making fun of her. I'm just saying.
How was it being back in LA? I feel terrible about it. I hate it here.
No, it's great. I'm so happy to be back.
I'm just teasing. I love it here,

especially when I get to come back

and see my little juicy

yin, yin, yin, yin, yin,

Jessica Johnson.

Yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin.

Did you make love a lot

to your wife?

First day.

Is that too, what?

Is that?

First day.

Is that crossing a line?

No, it's fine.

First day she showed up,

we were Porky Porky.

Yeah, yeah.

First day Porky Porky. Second day Porky Porky.
Porky Porky. Yeah, yeah.
First day Porky Porky.

Second day Porky Porky.

Porky Porky.

Third day.

No Porky.

See you later.

All right.

I got to go. You're done.

I got to go.

Yeah.

Well, you need a day rest.

You need one day rest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, God took one, right?

On the seventh day, he rested.

On the seventh day.

On the third day, I rested.

He Porky Porky gives six days.

He Porky Porky.

No, no.

We had a, it was actually, it's so fun when you have sex down under because you come backwards. Does God have sex? Does he? No one's ever asked that question.
Does God have sex? Because he created it all. He must be like, I tried, you know what I mean? A more viable question would be, does Jesus jerk off? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because they made him a figure of a man. Well, in human form, he must have tried it.
He probably did it so much, that's why they nailed him at the wrist. There's the joke.
That's what he couldn't get down to. He's like, let me down.
I need to jerk off. Yeah.
You know what Jesus died with a boner? You know he died with an erection? How? He died with a hard-on. That was a knife.
No. Some people have autoerotic asphyxiation.
Some people are sexualized, what's that, violence. Yeah.
And apparently when they hung him up there, he had an erection. He had a death erection.
Angel lust. Rigor erectus.
Rigor erectus. That's our new band.
Or terminal erection is a post-mortem erection. Technically, a priapism observed in the corpses of men who have been executed, particularly by hanging.
Right. That's the thing.
But for Jesus nailed to the cross, he had an erection. And he-mortem erection technically uh a priapism observed in the corpses of men who

have been executed particularly by hanging right that's the thing but for jesus nailed to the cross

he had an erection he had a death erection wow angel lust dude that's what they say well the

only way you would know that is somebody witnessed it when he was doing it like some roman probably

can you imagine well yeah because they're they're all creeps the romans were all weirdos imagine

they they put them up there and then everyone's like all right that's it for the night that's

enough of the viewing and then one guy was like i'm gonna stick there and then everyone's like, alright, that's it for the night. That's enough of the viewing.
And then one guy

was like, I'm gonna stick around.

And then he lift open

the... Right, he lift something open.

He goes, ah.

No, by the way, Jesus was naked.

All these depictions of them

have him covered. They were nude.
When they did

public, any sort of that public stuff, you were nude.

There wasn't any decency cloth over there. Are you sure?

100%. How do you know this? Because I was around.
How old are you? I'll tell you exactly how I know. In what world would a savage brutalization, like nailing someone to wood and putting them up in public for other people to see die slowly, would you have the decency to be like, cover up his penis? You nailed him to wood.
That's true. You literally hammered a man's body to wood.
why would you have the decency to be like, cover up his penis? You nailed him to wood.

That's true.

You literally hammered a man's body to wood.

Why would you have the psychopathic decency to go, all right, don't let his nuts hang

out.

Come on, we're not monsters.

Yeah, we're not animals.

I wouldn't even show up to that thing, would you?

To what?

You said the flyer.

I'm kidding.

They must have flyers.

You don't got a lot going on.

What? You don't got a lot going on that day. I know.
You went to the market. You got the bread.
There's nothing else to do. That is Netflix.
Right, right. That's their Netflix.
And when they hang them up, they go. What are you supposed to do? Those days, by the way, were consumed with like one task.
You imagine there was nothing to do. So I'm sure that was, you know, like just like gossip.

That's where gossip started.

They were bored and they were like,

you did hear they're going to hang him tomorrow.

And he's like, oh, I'm going to check it out.

There was probably one guy that was late.

He's just, oh, you guys did it already.

Take him down and put him back. The mule, you know what I mean?

Whatever.

The mule's legs broke.

Yeah, oh my God.

He got a pocket full of stones. Yeah.
Do it again. Do it again.
Who's going to throw these? Yeah, yeah. God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know they would go to public stuff like that.
The idea also that like in gangs in New York, I remember when they had those like town squares where they had executions or like punishments and stuff. The awful thing was even the most like good hearted people had to be observant of it because the whole town had to make sure it went according to plan so then you had to have like not just ratty scumbags you had to have like the lawyers and doctors and dignitaries that would have to be there to make sure that it didn't get uh abusive that they were doing it by the book because it was legal to do all that stuff back then wow wow wow yes you had to have someone there for like decency yeah otherwise it'd be run by tyrants it would be like you know if you let carlos you know run this show be glory holes all over this by the way is there a glory hole behind that sign because i moved it the other day and it looks like there is somebody told my good buddy cory said to me who who's a fan of the show, who I love, my boy Corey, and he goes, man, Carlos and that Glory Hill stuff, that's interesting to admit.
I go, that is. But you know what? Respect for you.
Respect to you for admitting because, you know, hey, you did it, no big deal. And it's fine.
I'm owning it. It's funny it's funny you have to own that kind of stuff no has that since it's out there right is it fucking up your game or no no actually actually i had a girl be like i saw that glory hole video and i was like oh my god and she laughed and i was like oh okay so she's cool she's cool she's down yeah yeah she's so wait do you think what if you meet a girl? Okay.
Beautiful girl. You're like in love with this girl.
And she's like, I kind of want to take you to glory holes. And I want to watch you get glory holed.
And you're like, okay. And she's like, I know, but it's got to be, it's got to be in West Hollywood.
Yeah. It's got to be by men, but I want to watch you.
And it turns me on. It makes me love you more.
Are you going? I don't know about that. It's a good question.
I think he is. Well, I'm thinking about it, obviously.
What if he got mentally prepared to do it, and then they got there, and it was just a mini golf place called Glory Hole? But on the 18th, you still have to stick your penis in a hole, and the ball sucker grabs you. I think I would do it.
You would? Wow. Yeah.
Do you think you'd be able to get erect no on the other ones i was able to you were yeah because the because the element of of naughtiness turned you on you're like i'm not supposed to be in this glory hole but this is kind of hot yes that's why i went anyway for the element of naughtiness or danger or whatever right yeah so you get you get aroused by the danger. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.
Well, because he's a drug addict. He's from Mexico.
That's what it is. It's like a dopamine thing.
What did you say, fancy? He's from Mexico. Oh, you think it's a Mexican thing? Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, that border wall is filled with holes for some reason. You go down there.
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Are there glory holes on that wall?

In the border?

In Mexico?

Of course there are.

The Texas border?

Imagine a buddy going

Yeah, there's tunnel there's probably tunnels there too, right 100 but they've already found a bunch of them Yeah, in Texas for years. They've been doing this.
Yeah, but what kind of tunnel are they nice? Yeah

Because you've seen tunnels in movies and you know is there lights there's got to be there's to be string up lights at the bottom of it have you ever seen when they do the night crossings yeah when they go across like the river at night it's like a full coordinated effort they have like it planned out they have break stations where they hide water and stuff my tunnel dude would be so dope you so dope. You would have the dopest tunnel.
Cement.

I'd do a cement thing.

Be a little Korean barbecue halfway through.

Yeah, right? You get hot pot halfway through.

Right.

And then I would probably have drawings on the side.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Little etchings.

No, just people jumping over fences or, you know what I mean?

Like, just fun stuff.

Freedom.

Right.

That's El Chapo's tunnel.

Look at that one.

That was El Chapo's.

Beautiful.

That's what I'm talking about right there.

Oh, yeah. You could ride a motorcycle through it.
Whoa. That's El Chapo's.
Look at that one. That was El Chapo's.
Beautiful. That's what I'm talking about right there.
Oh, yeah. He had a motorcycle.
Whoa. That's so cool.
El Chapo, dude. So, oh, look at that.
It's a motorcycle attached to a push cart, like a train push cart. Wow.
That's really cool. It looks like those carts from the cartoons where they go like this on one side where they pump and pump to the other side.
Have you guys ever seen the videos of the guys? I mean, we might have talked about it on the show, but I watch it every once in a while, it pops back up on my feed of people caving, going into these little tiny crevices of caves. Have we talked about that on the show? Well, I've seen movies like that.
Oh brother, this is so scary. Yeah, that gets my heart good.
Oh, it gets me. There's people that go like tiny cave, people caving in tiny caves.
Oh yeah, I can't watch this gives me yeah look at that why the fuck are you doing it's insane look at this guy he's climbing through this little tiny cave entering a cave now it gets so there's a there's a there's a father and son on the internet who do it and they go to the ones that are like the most challenging like this is nothing you see how wide that is that one was nothing there's one where he barely fits through oh go go more into it go more down the line where you can see how small it gets it creeps me out so much but i watch it when look at that look at that this this one's big he's at a break point i watch it when i'm on the toilet and i'm constipated because i'm like if this guy can get through there you guys are going to be able to get through wouldn't you be pan look at You wouldn't be panicked? Yeah, I would be, yeah. Look at Juicy can't even look at it.
I had a joke, but I can't say it because you're going to be mad. Say it.
No, I don't want to do it. Say it.
We have the power to edit. Oh, you do? Yeah.
Yeah. I thought he was crawling through your mom's vagina.
See, I knew you'd be mad. No, no, no.
It's funny. That's funny.
No, No it's very funny Cause that's what happened to me But anyway Can you google Can you google real fast Squirrel suit flying Cave Squirrel suit Squirrel suit cave flying Cause I wanna show you a video Of somebody going through Your mom's pussy real fast Yeah yeah I wanna see to see my mom. I miss my mom.
Yeah, I want to show you what it looks like. Here, we'll show you.
Here we go. I go that way too.
Yeah. So this is a guy jumping into your mom's vagina.
Here he is. Here he goes.
Okay, there we go. He's about to do it.
If Carlos could only help me with this joke. There it is.
right through your mom's vagina. There it is.
Oh, cause it's yellow? Yeah. And it was last seen in 2013.
Yeah, I don't know why people do that, but- I gotta tell you something. When they die though, I don't feel bad.
Well, because they're stuck in a cave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But also, you know how much money it probably costs to get them out of the cave? They have to give paramedics to go get all this stuff to get them out. That's probably costing the city millions of dollars.
That's tax money. Tax money.
That's tax money. Spoken like a true Spanish Republican.
What about that movie that James Franco did and he got his arm stuck in a cliff? What was that? 125 hours. 127 hours, right? Yeah, even more hours.
Two hours off. That's what the number is.
Well, it had some bearing of significance. He lost his arm, right? One arm, right? Yeah.

By the way, big deal. Lose both arms and then run away.
He cut it off with a

knife this big. Like a Swiss Army knife, right?

Oh, he cut it off. The real

guy did. Oh my God.

There he is. There he is.
Yeah.

Wow. He couldn't have waited

a couple more hours? Apparently not.

Ooh, there it is. 132 hours maybe.

There it is. Yeah.
Was he getting what's that? arm fake arm oh my god well that's incredible dude and there you start that was such a that was such a lazy halloween costume that year you know how many guys were just like i don't know just pretend to cut my arm off like the 127 hours guy what's the worst halloween costume you've ever done juice I was a tourist once I regret that so cheap

yeah

and I would like

take pictures of people What's the worst Halloween costume you've ever done, Juice? I was a tourist once.

I regret that.

So cheap.

Yeah.

I would take pictures of people and act Asian.

It's offensive.

I like that.

She acted Asian.

She acted a little bit of you.

Don't ask me.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

Come on.

I'll get in trouble.

Oh, I know.

Come on.

What?

Blackface?

No.

No, no.

Whoa. No, no, no, no.
Did you ever do blackface? I didn't put... I wore a wig.
What was the character? Who was it? Michael Jackson. Well, he kind of was whiteface.
Yeah, yeah. So that's what I'm saying.
I'm like, I think I'd do Michael Jackson. So I did Michael Jackson, but I remember getting the black.
Right. Right? Because you could do it at school.
We're in middle school, and you can dress up for that day. Yeah, it's middle school.
It's middle school it's middle school by the way that's 40 years ago yeah as a kid I'm like I put one on and I went nah and I put the soap I took the black off and I just put the wig and the glove on but it's not because you were conscious of what blackface was going to mean in the future you just didn't like the way it looked no no no that's no no you didn't know I'm like no this is wrong not, no, no. I'm like, no, this is wrong.
Not when you're a kid. You don't know any better.
Yeah. There's no way you knew any better.
Yeah. And I bit a kid on a thigh.
What? As a Michael Jackson, I bit a little boy on the thigh to play the park. Why can't I say that? Why can't I say that? You can.
Of course you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why did you bite me? Did he not do that? Do you remember the name of the kid that you bit? No, it's just a joke, man. I didn't do that.
I know, and then you make it up. Right.
What are you, new to the show? It was a chimpanzee. It was bubbles.
It was bubbles. Thank you.
It was bubbles. Fucking bubbles.
Yeah, yeah. Remember when he hung his kid over the railing? Blanket.
That was insane. Which kid was it? Blanket.
Oh, it was Blanket. Yeah, the kid's name was Blanket.
Are you kidding me? Kid's name was Blanket. Kid's name was Blanket.
Wow. He hung his blanket out the porch you know what brooklyn prince i take it back i take it back brooklyn prince your name is fine blanket jackson although blanket jackson sounds like a superhero yeah like a 70s you know like don't do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do you guys said when i started this if you 100,000 followers, we're all getting tattoos.
And you got there? I'm pretty close. What are you at? What are you at? 99.1.
Oh my God, look at that. Wow.
Watch this. Watch this.
Juicy, watch this. How many followers away is that from 100,000? What are you talking to? Is it? Less.
hundred. More.
Why are you putting me on the spot, man? Because I knew it would be... No, because you're basically going, oh, he's a broken Asian.
He doesn't know numbers. You're like a discount Asian.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a discount Asian. You're the 99 cent store Asian.
Yeah, yeah. And that's why I love you.
I'm not good at numbers, man. I know, buddy.
I'm good at history. I don't know good at it.
I don't know anything.

You're good at present. What's at present?

You're good in the present. I'm in the present moment.

I know what's going on in the present moment. Right now.

Who's the president? Me, Joe Biden.

That's right. You, Joe Biden.

Yeah, Joe Biden. Imagine if Joe Biden

took off his mask and he was you.

Just a little Korean guy. Yeah.

I have something to reveal.

Yeah.

Oh!

That's why he keeps falling down because he's on stilts. He can't see through the top of that mask.
Do you remember when Joe Biden fucking fell off? He was getting onto the plane. He slipped.
And people thought that it was Jim Carrey. Yeah, like a bunch of Trump supporters.
That's Jim Carrey, man. Remember when Joe Biden talked out of his butthole when he got on that plane and everybody thought it was Jim Carrey? He made it, though.
He made it his entire term. Knock on wood.
I don't want him to run again. I don't think he's going to.
Okay, good. I don't think he's going to.
Physically, he can't. So how was the Jesselneck tour? Good? Oh, wait a minute.
We should ask that a little bit angrier. How was the Jesselneck tour? Yeah, Betrayer.
Betrayer, did you have fun on that tour without us? It was one weekend. You were filming a whole movie.
Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't do that.
I can't have any fun. You're ours.
You're ours. You're ours.
I am yours for the next three months. Yeah, that's right.
No, forever. What? No, you're team bad friends.
You're going to sign a contract. Yeah, you are.
We actually should sign a contract. No Jezelec.
He's a great guy. We love him so much.
It was fun. Good.
I'm doing half hours, so I feel like I'm getting sharp. And every show there were bad friends there, which was really cool.
Fuck yes. Oh, that's fucking awesome.
We love him so much. He's so fucking funny, that guy, that guy man yeah he's probably one of the best joke writers in town i think without question yeah out of town any town he's his switches are so good he's very very talented i don't want to talk about him anymore because he stole you from us we're glad that you were no i love i actually fucking loved it you said that i was like couldn't think of a better person to go out with that i'd like respect as a comic as a human like all the above Sacramento Punchline which I loved it there yeah it's a smaller club but I'm going back you sent me a picture of my wait wait wait Jeseluk played Sacramento Punchline it was so he I talked to him he's doing clubs he was telling me like with his hour he's gonna like put in the most work and do those clubs before doing the theater tour I think that's so smart he was telling was telling me that last time too.
I love that idea. Yeah, you went in the sack and I put up my poster back then from sack.
Yeah. And I said- Andrew was in the green room.
That was the club that I made love to the 60-year-old woman. A waitress? No, she was a- Can I say it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was the club where the grandma came up to me and goes, I think you're so funny, young man. You made love to a 60-year-old woman?

No, I just sucked on her titties.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah, in her car.

And then she had the toys from her grandkids

and I had to readjust my body in the second seat.

And the breasts were very beautiful.

Large freckles.

Maybe they're lesions.

I don't know what they are.

What I'm curious about is

after you had boob play,

nothing else.

And then I called her

at like one in the morning.

I go, come over.

And she's like,

I'm tired.

You know what I mean?

They get up at like 4.30.

You don't put that in your mind

because it was my first,

you know what I mean,

old lady hookup.

Right.

So you don't know.

You know what I mean?

So they have different schedules. Well, she drinks her Metamucil at like five.
She's in bed by my first you know i mean old lady hookup right right so you don't know you know what i mean so they have different schedules well she drinks her metamucil at like five she's in bed by seven you know after she watches her programs yeah but i you know i liked her you know you remember her name no sacramento shout out whoever you are in sacramento please ma'am find us reach out to us bobby still is in love with you and he's single now so let me tell you something he's ready to suck on those 80 year old tears yeah it's so funny because it's like you know she was probably only 45 and you were like 20 something yeah yeah well see that's right in your mind they always it's always so much yeah anything over 40 to when you're in your 20s you go that's pretty old well i was at what i went to my buddy's uh birthday party or wherever at university at boulder in uh colorado and i went there for his birthday and i hooked up with a chick i like ditched them to go hook up with this girl that i met who had her own apartment and we were like 20 years old and i thought i was like what is this bitch 50 she had her own apartment that was insane yeah everyone i knew lived with like 40 other people yeah so to have someone that I, I don't know how old she was. She was significantly older than me.
But I was like, in my mind, I was like, this bitch has got to be a lawyer. She has her own apartment.
Is she a millionaire? Like, I was blown away. And I left my glasses over there.
And I had to go back and get my glasses, my sunglasses. And she didn't look the same as she did before.
Wow. why? It was tough.
What do you mean? My boys were making fun of me. Because you weren't drunk no more so she looked different? She was pretty...
Yeah, she looked different. In what way though? In like her face.
Like Dark Crystal? It's almost like she wiped off her makeup and it was just like oh wow yeah yeah she did that trick by the way and that's the whole you want to talk about uh fucking throwing us a curveball i see these girls on tiktok and on instagram and like they show you their makeup tutorials and they do like a 40 minute makeup like you're a different person now you're not even the same fucking person that should be illegal they change shape have you ever seen these TikTok ones where they go like I don't even know what the hashtag is but it's basically like transformation you see a before picture of a Joey Diaz a woman that looks right and then she looks like Kim like Kim Kardashian. It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable. But they

post it on purpose. They say like

catfish bait transformation

because they know. And it's insane.

These women look nothing alike that they

also do the whole body.

What?

I mean, if you do the face, do the whole body. Why not?

Look at that catfishing makeup transformation.

It's fucking nuts.

Look at that girl. She was hot though.
She was cute. I'm not saying, okay.
Yeah, she's cute. That's a guy.
No, I don't think so. I think she's pretty.
That's a guy. That's a guy.
That wasn't a guy. That's 100% a guy.
Back it up. That's 100% a guy.
Let me look. Oh, it is a guy.
Yeah, it is a guy. You're right.
That's okay. I can't read it.
You can't read it? It doesn't say oh it is a guy yeah it is a guy yeah you're right that's okay i can't read it you can't read it it doesn't say that it's a guy look at that i don't think that's a guy carlos that's your glory hole yeah yeah 100 keep going turn off the tunes turn off the tunes though we can't we're gonna get what are you getting angry oh wow well she just that's not i know that's that's not that's not what i'm talking about'm talking about. She's trying to make herself look bad.
That's not what I'm talking about. Yeah, let's see.
Let's see. It's too much of the setup.
Too much of this. Way too much of a setup.
Yeah, yeah. What is this, an Andrew Santino joke? Too much setup here.
Just get to the punchline, pal. Oh, nice.
Whatever. That's beautiful.
Made fun of myself there. Thanks, guys.
Yeah. It was actually pretty good.
Yeah, that's good. I could have put that on somebody else, but I didn't.
I put it on me. Okay, no.
Just scroll to someone that you see, Carlos. Can I ask you something? Andrew, can I ask you something? Look at this one.
Is that one good? No. She's very pretty.
That's bullshit. Could I do one and look like Randall Park? I wish.
You don't think that I could do a tutorial and look like- How is that not you? Is that not you? Yeah, yeah. Okay.
That's you. That's me.
That's 100% you. You're right, you're right, you're right.
By the way, for the record, the amount of fucking people in Australia, the amount of people in Australia- They're Asian? That yelled at, well, first of all, there's so many Asian because where it is, the amount of people that yelled at me in the street, yelled, and I have proof of people that were with me that just go, yo, I'm Bobby Mara. I'm Bobby Mom.
They love that shit. What's I'm Bobby Mom, I'm Bobby Mom? So we have a viral thing on the internet.
You and I have a viral thing. We do? I cross my eyes and I go, I'm Bobby Mama.
From when I did it. Really? Dude, people lose their fucking mind.
And they do it? They yell it in the street at me. I'm Bobby Mama.
They go, I'm Bobby Mama. They all yell it to me in the street.
That's my newest fan base thing. Yeah.
Is people going, I'm Bobby Mama. And they love it.
And they're they're all their friends you know what I'm known as what people walk up to me hey man down syndrome guy down syndrome guy yeah yeah you are I'm not I don't know if it's just now yeah but if you say down syndrome guy and no one knows what they're thinking people will think I have down syndrome no but like okay if somebody goes who are your closest friends in comedy over the years and I name a bunch of people yeah and if I get to you and they're like, people will think I have Down syndrome. No, but like, okay, if somebody goes, who are your closest friends

in comedy over the years?

And I name a bunch of people.

Yeah.

And if I get to you

and they're like,

and they don't know you,

which is rare,

but if they said who,

and I go,

Bobby Lee,

the Asian Down syndrome guy,

and they go,

oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really?

Then they know right away.

Yeah, Carlos,

we've had this conversation.

A fan came up to,

came up to Carlos,

crazily enough,

this girl,

was like, I love Carlos, I think you're so funny. I've seen you on the trash show or whatever and then Carlos like oh thanks introduce me and she's like oh hey what's up are you a comedian I said yeah and she's like oh I'm really big fan like I love comics who are you like who's your crew and I was like I don't know and then I'm just named I said I have a show with Bobby Lee and she goes I don't know who that is I I'm like, you don't know who, do you not know any comics? She goes, well, who is he? I go, Asian comic, Down syndrome.
And she goes, oh, Bobby Lee. She knew it right away.
She almost like right away. Oh, that hurts.
Well. It burns.
That's what's going on in the streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fine. That's what's going on in the streets.
I'm doing a year celibacy. Oh, yeah.
Are you serious? Yeah. Say that again slower.
Why? Because I want to soak it in. I'm doing one year celibacy.
One year celibacy. When did you start? The last time I got laid.
When was the last time you got laid? Two months ago. No way.
A woman? Whoa. Whoa.
Really? Whoa. Clip that part.
No, no. I'm saying, let's use that for...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
A woman. I don't want to say it to people's names.
You don't have to say their name. Yeah, yeah.
A woman I met on a dating app. Raya? No, Hinge.
Oh. Before I got banned.
Oh, okay. Oh, you got banned, right, because you were lying about your age.
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Are you on any of these?

Yeah, but when we go on tour, though, can I just ask a question?

When we go on tour, what if there's like a man, right?

Handsome man.

I'm going to describe him.

He's got like Michael Shannon eyes.

And one of them is always looking out for you and the other one is looking out for someone else Right He's got a luscious goatee Right Couple of tattoos on the neck What do they say? PETA PETA? Yeah One of them he's PETA Yeah PETA Okay Like the animal Are you saying PETA P-I-T-A Like a PETA bread Or are you saying PETA The organization for animals The bread The bread Totally different guy Yeah he loves bread That is two totally different guys Yeah yeah PETA the organization for animals The bread Totally different guy He loves bread That is two totally different guys PETA for people who have little treatment of animals And the PETA loves PETA bread guy And the next tattoo is gyro Oh he loves gyros and pizzas What am I saying gyro What am I saying when I say gyro The meat Not the money Not gyro Oh the money gyro But not the money it's the meat to the meat yeah g not the that not the money uh so he's not euro oh the money yeah yeah but not the money it's the meat so the meat pita so they can make a sandwich oh so does he have a little sandwich right yeah yeah does he have tzatziki sauce right down here right right so there's that that right yoked jack he's jacked skinny right skinny yeah yeah and he's also check this out he's um bitcoin okay google google this bitcoin bro who's skinny jacked with neck tattoos right here he is that's the guy we're talking about this is the guy right here personal walker isn't that that looks like that's israel it looks like stylebender yeah that's him do you like guys like that no that guy That guy, no. Maybe five years ago.

How about this guy?

This guy.

How about that guy?

I think I really have to know someone's personality.

I can be on dating apps.

The whole, like, just, like, judging them.

Like, obviously, that plays a factor.

But a lot of what I'm attracted to in people are their personalities.

I know you guys. You like the personalities.
That's what you like. You like the personalities their personalities.
I know you guys are talking.

That's what you like.

Sounds like a lot of bullshit to me.

I've done like a connection with somebody.

Do you like wacky guys?

Like, what's up?

How you doing?

That guy.

Everybody loves that guy.

Everyone loves that guy.

What's up?

I'm here.

Party time.

You like that guy?

That kind of personality? Like maybe a little bit. Like 10% wacky for sure.
Hey, what's up? Smooth guy. Smooth guy.
60% that. Yeah.
10% wacky. What's the biggest red flags? This is a big thing on the internet now.
Building like a Sims character. What's a red flag? What's your red flags? How about this? We'll play a game.
I'll give you a thing that they do, right? And see if that's a red flag for you. Okay.
You want to do that? Yeah. Right.
Eat their boogers. Eat their boogers.
Red flag. Red flag.
Why though? But what if they're mango boogers? Yeah, yeah. And they were extracted from their nose.
That was just a joke, by the way. Huh? It was just a joke, man.
Sure, yeah. You think I vape through my nose and eat the boogers? That's insane.
Oh. What else? What does that say? It says mango booger, friends.
I was wondering about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, okay, how about this? Yeah, I'm a millionaire, but I got my money through my grandpa died. What do you think? Red flag or no? Not yet.
Cool. Great.
Yeah. How about this one?

I'm a millionaire and I acquired most of my money through unethical business practices that I could go to jail for at any given point.

Red flag.

Yeah.

Okay.

Of course.

That's a red flag.

No, I don't know.

You know, she could be into guys that go to prison.

Yeah.

So I have two testicles missing.

I have two testicles missing. Sorry to laugh so hard hard.
But I have, you know what I mean? Plastic testicles. Oh, okay.
And they look good because I went to Tokyo to get them. Do they have good ones? Yeah, they have great ones.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. And so we can't have kids, right? But, you know, my brother, thank God my brother, he let me the sperm to go inside my fake testicle.
So we could have a baby. It's my brother.
But, you know, it's coming out of my anyway. Red flag.
Can I kick you in the nuts? Yeah. I don't feel a thing.
That sounds pretty fun. All right.
That's good. That's good.
That's good. I'm glad your priorities are good.
I just want to kick you in the nuts give her another one that's how i know funny in public we can just stage things how about this hey uh i'm i'm an okay looking guy but at any given point my my my teeth can just fall out of my head they just start falling out and i have to pick them up and put them back in it happens to me all day long is this a red flag it It probably is a red flag. Really? I would date him if his personality was really cool.
Okay. Because it'd be kind of funny, though, too.
What if he has Tourette's? Red flag. I could never bring him to anything I do.
Okay. I got one.
All right. A guy says, right? You know what I mean? I'm a good dude.
Where are you guys finding these guys? They're all over the place. When I was 22 years old, I was a school bus driver.
Dude, you said that so Asian. I was school bus driver.
Dude. What? It's like the old you comes back into play.
Yeah, yeah. I school bus driver.
School bus driver. Right.
It's amazing. I was in an accident.
How are you doing it again? It's like the old you comes back into play. School bus driver.

It's amazing.

I was in an accident.

How are you doing it again?

I was going to do it.

Fuck it.

I'll do it live.

Do it live.

We'll do it live.

An accident.

All the kids died.

I'm not playing.

I'm not playing.

Okay.

But I drunk.

Oh, no.

That's a good one.

Red flag?

That was 20 years ago.

Long time ago.

He's paid his penances.

See you. I'm not blame.
I'm not blame. Okay.
But I drunk. Oh no.
Oh no. That's a good one.
Red flag? That was 20 years ago. Long time ago.
He's paid his penance to society. He got out of prison.
But he killed like 38 kids. Let's just order dinner first.
Okay, good. Good, good, good.
She wants to see if you're gonna pay. Yeah.
But like, you don't care if like a guy like us, Hey, we'll go to Ruth's Chris. I mean, you don't need anything fancy.
I don't know what Ruth's Chris. What if a guy says on your first date, can we go to, what if a guy says, can we go on the first date to like Chili's or TJ Friday's or like a chain restaurant? That's fine.
It's fine. Yeah.
What if he says, can we go to fast food? What if he said, can we do Wendy's? Because I don't have a lot of money right now. Or Burger King.
I mean, I, the idea of dating is so weird to me i i can't even fathom it but if i was like if i met somebody i really liked and he's like let's go to burger king i'd be like all right let's go that's so sweet you're so fucking nice person what would you say if a girl was like can you take me to burger king i go do we still smash oh yeah yeah oh, because, you know, as a guy, you go, you know, because I've been on dates and stuff, right? She goes, I want a Whopper in me before you put your junior Whopper in me. You know, you go, I have to take this girl to a fancy restaurant.
You just assume that. Yeah.
Right? So, you know, I've been taking girls to Damien, Bestia. Why are you doing that? I just think that, like, that want.
No, it's not what they want. I know.
I spent thousands of dollars knowing. I found that out.
Yeah, I found that out. But you also like to eat at those places too.
Yeah, but he'd rather go alone and not pay for two people. Yeah.
And you're paying for, are they having like wine or drinks ever? I mean, I had one that's going to make you mad. Go ahead.
So I went on a date with this girl and took to a nice place. And then a week later, let's hang out again.
And when I picked her up, she had her friend. Right? She had her friend and she goes, what nice place are we going to? And I had already made a reservation.
And during dinner, I realized, you know what I mean? They're poor girls. Yeah, they're playing you.
They're playing me. And it really hurt me.
That's fucked up. You ate the meal though, meal though didn't you you took them out didn't you I did you're too nice you're a nice guy that sucked I've taken them out every night since then idiots no it broke my house and when I dropped them off I knew I would never see them again you know what would be awesome though if you would have ate your meal and they'd be like I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then you just left them there yeah that's revenge they fucked you out of it they like basically manipulated you into a me or you pay for your half yeah you pay for your portion yeah and then the waiter goes hey so he paid for his half but yeah you guys have to pay for your fucking no i'm not mean just do it no but it's me i'm the sucker it's me i'm the sucker it's mean of her to bring her friend yeah but i didn't know that you know who could yeah no be honest no jokes what's real red flags that guys do for you what's actually red flags what's the ick that guys do that you're like fuck that's gross I hate when guys are that well like really I don't know if this is one but like it doesn't have a car it would be really hard for me that's a red flag.
No car, red flag. Really? Yeah, because like...
In fucking LA? Yeah, it's just... No, I know dudes that are rich and don't have a car.
Yeah, but okay, but... That's in New York.
Yeah. But also she's saying...
The guy in LA she's referring to that doesn't have a car, it's not rich. What if he owns a house? Owns a house and doesn't have a car? Yeah, who knows? This guy's upside down.
Yeah, but what if he doesn't have the motor skills? Oh Carpal tunnel That's different. Yeah, is that what your hands? Yeah, I have carpal tunnel and I have spinal bifida beneath the knees Do they have that it doesn't mean anything? I've seen a guy that drives with his mouth.
Oh, I've seen that There's a guy like hits the thing. Yeah I've seen that I've seen that.
Okay, so that's not a no no a thing. If he really wants to drive, he'll drive.
That's right. So no car, red flag.
What else? What if he said something like, the best movie ever made is Fast and the Furious Part 4? Well, 5 really, but yeah. Yeah, like any other Fast, like the greatest, better than.
Best cinematic film ever made. Ever made.
I'd hear him out. Yeah, you have to.
It's more like if someone was mean to people. You know? Or like littering.
Littering. You don't need littering? A litter bug.
Nobody likes a litter bug. What are you, Native American? They hate it.
She is one eighth. Oh, that's right.
That's that part. Wait a minute.
Littering, and what was the other one you just said? Somebody is like mean to other people. I really don't like that.
Like rude to customer service. Yeah, like rude.
What if a guy spits a lot outside? I don't really like the spitting. She doesn't like spitting.
No spitters. No spitters.
What about Gleekers? Yeah, I don't like it. You can't help it.
Every time he opens the mouth, a little squirt comes out. Yeah, I'm not into it.
He can't help it every time he opens the mouth a little squirt comes out yeah I'm not into it he can't control it that's fine alright what are your red flags this is a better one what are your red flags things that I do bad yeah yeah yeah this is a trend on the internet now they ask people okay those are the red flags because everyone has these high standards of people that are around them what about you that's interesting I want to do I want to play. You will do.
One second, baby. I'm pretty selfish with my time.
I'm very career-oriented, so that always comes first. What else? You're perfect in every other way? I'm pretty much pretty, I'm narcissistic.
Wow. Wow.
I'm trying to think of like, uh, things like I wouldn't like that. Um.
Well, what has any other ex you've ever dated said? Oh, here's one that's, I'm really particular about time. Like, if you're like 10 minutes late, I'm like really upset by it.
You, you overreact to tardiness. I really overreact to it.
Like in what way? So like I think I have like control issues maybe.

Oh, right, right.

Because we only see this aspect.

Because in a way, we're your boss.

Do you feel that?

Yeah, I feel like I'm giving you like my end. Yeah, you're giving us our best, you know, the best Jesse.

My weakness.

I want to see the, on the road, I want to see the other side.

You're gonna.

Yeah, I want to see random queefs. Oh my God.
I don't think I'll be doing that. Just a random one, you know what I mean? Right? I want to see stuff, you know what I mean? And go, ugh.
You want to be grossed out by her? Not grossed out. I just want to see some of your character defects.
Okay, what are yours? What are your red flags? 12 hours of video games. Huge red flags.
Right? I mean i mean it's massive no movement uh you mean a lack of exercise no movement yeah that's what i meant yeah yeah just that's it yeah that's what i do video game car yeah house video game car um i i do things oh um the way i clean the cat litters wrong you know what i do no i just put more litter on. Yeah.
That's not good. And then I pile it to the point where there's a mound.
And now the cats are like, they're freaking the fuck out. They slip.
They don't like it. You make them play king of the hill of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have to get up a hill of poop.
Yeah. And then what I do is this.
Instead of clearing it up, I'll go buy more more cat boxes so there's like 15 of them right and they're all mounds and i'll get a new one and put the thing in and then so yeah it's that's what else is that a red flag massive yeah for some people you know that's why i'm taking a year off celibacy you're taking a year with celibacy because i just need to find my way you want to get rid of some of these red flags you know i mean and i you know i used to do yoga yeah yeah and i used to do it again i'm gonna do it i'm gonna yoga i'm gonna get a haircut and i'm gonna get abs do we want to make a monetary bet on this oh yeah that you won't get abs well what what do you mean by abs? Exactly. Abdominal muscles that show with definition.
Four pack. Okay, I'll give you a two pack.
He's not getting four. That's insane.
Two pack. Is two pack count? One pack.
Two pack. Two pack.
One pack. Oh, one muscle? I want to show any definition.
You're not showing shit. Oh, I'm gonna.
Okay. Yeah.
So what's my timeline? What's up my timeline? You tell me your timeline. A year? Yeah.
All right. So what's the date now? That's plenty of time.
I know. I'm going to do it in three weeks.
Never going to do it. Watch.
I'm going to do it in three weeks. We're on the road for a month.
Okay. After.
And then another month. You know, after the tour.
And then you're going on vacation. Yeah.
I'm going to take a break. And after the break.
That's six months after the break. By that time, you'll have three months left to do it.
And then the video game championships come up. Oh, yeah.
I got to do that. My point is, you don't realize this, though.
This is what people don't realize, right? When I was 37 years old, I got a trainer, right? And for a year, I lost 20 pounds pounds and I was kind of ripped okay and then when I got in a relationship I started yeah yeah yeah and I think I'm gonna do it again you're gonna do it again I think I'm 51 so I go you know I have one last shot I think 52 this year yeah I have one last shot well let's get you a trainer I'm down yeah should we have a Should we hire a trainer to get with us on the bus on the road to make us do bus workouts? We've spent enough money. It's been actually...
I've ever learned. It's pretty insane.
Yeah, it's pretty insane. Be our trainer, please.
Want me to train you guys? Can I say one last thing about you too? I just... And don't be offended.
Okay. No.
What? I'm not going to say... I just...
Well, whenever somebody says don't be offended... I know.
Now I'm bracing myself. Brace yourself.
No, I'm just casually talking. Okay.
As a friend. You're right.
And your boss. You're right.
Maybe a little tan? Oh, my God. A tan? Yeah.
What do you think? Well, I usually... You want her to get tan? Let's see what happens.
Wait, why do you care if she's tan? Look at how fucking white I am. I know.
I can't. But I don't think you can.
I don't think you can get a tan. I can get sun-kissed.
It's been raining non-stop here. You're right.
In the summer, I'm saying. It's not my fault.
No, I'm not joking. I think you're perfect.
If I was a little more tan. You just have a vampire.
Vampire. Like vampire.
You're one to talk, Dracula. Will you go to the tanning bed with me? Before the tour? No just During my vacation I'm being real When I go on my vacation I want to do a month In Tulum Okay Are you gonna come Well let's not tell people Where we're gonna fucking go But then we're not going to Tulum Oh that's right Yeah we're gonna go somewhere else We'll go to Fiji Somewhere Well we're ruining all these.
We can't go to any of these. But I wanna go to a place where I can drink pineapple juice

and lay down, do my ab work.

I'm sorry.

I'll do my ab work.

You know what's so funny?

You're smiling, you don't think I'm gonna do it.

Everyone's smiling and you don't think I'm gonna fuck it.

Why are you smiling?

That's fucking rude.

Dude.

Dude, fuck you, man.

Dude.

Dude, what?

Show your stomach right now on camera,

just so we can see it.

Okay. It's actually not as big as I thought it was going to be.
But stop sucking it in. Now put it out.
Oh, my God. You should have seen my back when I did that.
My back bloated. Oh, my God.
That was tough. I had to change, like, internal organs.
I heard your body going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was fucking tough. Holding on for dear life That was tough Okay, we're gonna document it Yeah, I wanna do it because I wanna live for a long time I want you to live forever Yeah, I wanna live for a long time You guys are known to live a long time, aren't you? Who's you guys? You people In Okinawa they do What's so funny? Okay What's the is that? In South Korea, 83 years.
Is that good? Wait, we've got to be almost the same in the United States. Japan more.
Japan 84. Yeah, you better believe it.
83 years. That's average, right? Longest life expectancy.
Who is it? Longest life expectancy. Let's guess real fast.
I say Sweden. I was just going to guess that.
It's got to be a Nordic country. No Greece Turkey Something like that Mediterranean No What is it? Japan and Singapore Yeah That kind of makes me sad 85 years But the reason why in Japan You know why right? Why in Japan? Yeah Because they blur the porn They don't get Diluted by bad porn Why? Why do Japanese live so long especially in i only know in okinawa is because they have communal living so they live in villages right so if a baby you know i mean a kid is lost the whole you know the whole neighborhood takes you know it's a whole neighborhood they take care of each other right it's also a lot of fishing yeah so it says low rate of obesity of obesity, low consumption of red meat, high consumption of fish and plants.
Yeah. Soybeans and tea.
But soy is not great for you. Particularly as a man, soy is not good for you because it has a lot of estrogen in it.
What soy processed or just soy in general? Well, soy processed. That's what we eat here in the States.
Yeah, just get the bean. But you know, just the bean.
That's not what people do. That's what I do japan's okinawan island nicknamed the island of longevity locals refuse to die residents suffer from low levels of heart disease cancer dementia and okinawan's robust social life and strong sense of ikagi a unique purpose in life often keeps them alive and healthy past the age of 100 ikagi ikagi it means uh when you have something to do this is why i think like they have the best denim.
Japanese denim is the best denim. No, Okinawa denim.
It's Okinawan denim? Yeah, yeah. Okinawan denim? Yeah, because I go to Self Edge and they get all the Okinawa denim.
It's the best place. If you're ever in San Francisco, New York, or LA, the best place to get denim is Self Edge.
But it's so strong. It's cool.
You got to wear it in. Look at these.
Yeah. How long did it take you 36 years yeah they do look dope i get it yeah are those sauconies i didn't know you like i like sauconies a lot yeah those are really nice yeah we were kids we used to say saccani um okay so on the road we're gonna document some of this i'm gonna bring stuff to work out because i want to work out on the road because you know I like working out.
And you know who we're going to have documented? We have somebody. Macon.
Macon, come in here, Macon. Come sit in the chair.
There he is. That's my boy right there.
This is our new little filthy, dirty, repulsive skank. Yeah, yeah.
He's a little skank slut whore. Look at him a little slut.
Can I say something about this guy? Remember when we met at the store and you gotta put the mic near your mouth rudy yeah yeah it's like the old day yeah yeah and put it near there where did you guys meet again when i called him at the comedy store okay and um usually when people come out to me right at the comedy store i'm a little defensive i'm nice yeah right but there was something about this guy i'm like what do you think it was he's got that 70s he was confident drug dealer vibe he was confident and he talked I think you opened up with movies yeah film would you open up with um because we had actually talked once before then and you told me about uh let the right one in let the right Right One In That's how you opened? Yeah so we started talking about that And then we started talking about Dermer Dermer Our good boy Brendan Dermer One of the greatest of all time Yeah because when I was still in college In 2020 during the pandemic I was back in Minnesota And I heard Dermer on an episode of Tiger Belly And he had gone to the same college that i did columbia chicago so then you know y'all were talking about how just like approachable he was so then i reached out to durmer and then he like you know put me on when i got out here and then yeah eventually through that you know we're all full circle back this guy fell face first into luck it's incredible he's a lifesaver he's a lifesaver yeah people are like that well it is also helps? I don't think it's a, it's not a coincidence. He's a handsome looking kid.
He's got ice blue eyes. Look at Ice Eyes is what I call them.
That's Corky Ice Eyes. Yeah.
You know Corky from Pax Life? Remember Corky? Oh, yeah. The guy with Down syndrome? Yeah, yeah.
That's him, Corky Ice Eyes. Oh, yeah.
His name on my phone is Corky Ice Eyes. Yeah.
Also, when you have a kid that has Down syndrome, don't name him Corky. Why? It just doesn Why Give him a strong name What's wrong with Corky What's better Yeah What What's better What do you associate Jackson Oh Jackson Yeah yeah Yeah I like that Yeah yeah yeah Anyway McCone's gonna come with us McCone are you in a relationship No Wow Single ready to mingle So you and this guy's gonna tear it, no.
Right. Don't even bring anybody my way.
I'm in celibacy. Did you hear that? Yeah.
Not one. It's all your worth, guys.
And by the way, if you see him flirting with someone, then he kind of started to cockblock him real bad. Yeah.
We'll shut that down. You'll see.
You're going to see a completely different human being. I have a date coming to Vancouver.
Okay, good. Do you really? Yeah.
Are you excited for that? A little bit, yeah. She seems cool.
Why are you saying it? I love that. I love it.
When my friends get joy. What if she's beautiful? She probably is.
And what if she's kind of into you? No, she won't be. Listen, they kind of get – I mean, I've seen the girls he's been with.
Yeah. It's not my level.
What do you mean? He's above you? He's out of your league. what you're saying is he's out of he bats out you we just we play in two different teams uh games what are yours my game is like i'm very your shirts he skins yeah yeah i'm very picky right but you i've seen you you know you you know what that was a shot by the way yeah him saying picky means like you you're cool with couple of that.
That's so fucking crazy.

That's not what I meant.

If you say I'm picky, he's not really.

That means he's okay with trash sometimes.

That's what you're saying.

Isn't that right?

He's willing to explore further in the forest.

That's probably true.

That's what I'm saying.

That's true.

A couple of beasts in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Further, it was darker.

Hey, Carlos.

Out of your day, Carlos.

Yeah. And how long have you been in LA? Just over two years hour and a half has it been rough or has it been i don't know i came in during a really weird time because it was like january of 2021 so it was like the height of the pandy and everything so there was like it was like like nothing there was no bars nothing was open so i just kind of like started my internship working on sets and there was nothing else to do so i really just had to focus on work and finishing the last semester of school and then i how old are you now 23 okay wow that's when i started stand-up me too at 22 23 yeah my god and he's way ahead of where we were back then yeah and you're not intimidated by us i don't feel i'm terrified'm terrified.
Yeah, he is. Really? He just hides it really well.
Wow. He didn't grow that mustache for nothing.
That's interesting. Do you remember, Bobby, when we were talking, you were like, I was like stumbling over my words and you were like, here, like, hold on.
I thought you had a stutter. I don't look at this guy, he's from the South or whatever, he has a stutter.
But no, you were like, slow down. Like, let's, we'll grab a seat.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'll listen to what you said.

Yeah, but you were like, you couldn't catch your words.

Yeah.

He said, you said, Brendan Dermot.

You know what I mean?

I came out here.

Film.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, relax, sit down.

Right?

And then you got in the pocket.

But now you're here.

Now you're here.

Look at it.

Cold as ice, baby.

Smooth.

Why are you grabbing your wrist like that?

That's what happens when you get nervous? I don't know. I kind of have to go to the bathroom, too, but I don't actually.
He does have to go. Do you know the hand thing? What is that? I read on an article about when people, you know, there's certain hand gestures they do that dominate the room.
And Elon Musk and other powerful people, they do this with their hands when they talk to people. Really? Yeah.
And this is supposed to do something.

Shut up.

What does it do? I'm being real.

I do feel more powerful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at this.

Yeah.

Try it.

That's the Illuminati.

This shit.

You see this a lot.

Yeah.

Politicians do this.

That's what Mr. Burns does.

Yeah.

This is something.

Anyway, just start doing it.

No, but that's got to be this.

Have you seen this one?

What?

Yeah.

Do this.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Yeah.

What's that?

Thank you. doing that.
No, but that's gotta be this. Have you seen this one? What? Yeah.
Do this. Here you go.

Here you go. Here you go.

What's that?

You've never seen this one?

Rad.

This was a crazy one.

You never did that. You never did that when you were a kid?

I don't ever want to do it again. Check out this one.

Which one? Whoa.

You guys are placating me.

No, no. That's pretty good.
Is that what it's going to be like? It is cool. The whole time.
You've never seen anything like this, but you're young. All right, so here's a couple of rules that we're going to go over for the tour bus when we're on tour.
I'm going to say it again, no pooping. We get it.
I'm going to say it again, no pooping. Another rule.
Whoever does the worst on stage that night Has to drive the bus Because we don't have a bus driver You want me to drive the bus Is it the three of us Or is everybody will be on stage right On stage Will just be me you him And Carlos will be roaming with us It's gonna be like Leonard Skinner if I drive. We are going to Mississippi, I think.
Let's not talk about that. No, no, no.
Yeah, no, no, no. We're fine.
We're going to be good. We're not going to have you drive.
I think I'm going to let an Asian woman drive the bus across the country. Hey, yo.
All right, listen. I'm happy to go on tour.
We're going to so many cities. You better pack the seats when we come out, particularly Oklahoma City.

We're coming to see you guys.

St. Louis, Louisville, Fairfield, Virginia,

Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina, Charlotte,

all of Florida, all over Texas.

You guys show up, show out.

Go to badfriendspod.com and see us.

And at the same time, we're all going to say how we end the show.

One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Yeah.