Bobby’s 1st Year of Celibacy

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Speaker 1 Bad friends! Bad friends, we're doing it. We're back, and guess who we're back with? The return of Juju Juju Juicy.
Juicy!

Speaker 1 I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to say.
Jamie? Is that Juicy, right? Jesse.

Speaker 1 Her name isn't Jamie.

Speaker 1 Because you were going Jay, and I'll go, Jamie. Okay, Jamie.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so Jamie's back.
Jamie's here. Hey, Jamie.
Jesse.

Speaker 1 Are you excited to get on the bus and go on tour with us? Where are we going first, Bob? What city? Oklahoma. Oklahoma City.
City. You better come out and see us.
Kansas City.

Speaker 1 Is that the OK Corral? Okay Corral. Is that where that is? OK C at the OK Corral.
Where else are we going to go? We're going to go up to Kansas City, Kansas Barbecue. Then we go to St.
Louis. St.

Speaker 1 Louis. That's where

Speaker 1 the wire?

Speaker 1 Baltimore. That's Baltimore.
Okay. Oh, my God.
And then we go to Indianapolis. Indianapolis.
Oh, my God. I love that.
Then we go to Detroit, Michigan, Motor City.

Speaker 2 My sister's going to that show.

Speaker 1 Your sister's going to be at that show. Then we go to Louisville.
Well, I'm going to go to Flint and drink the water. Okay.
It's supposed to be pretty good. I want the water.

Speaker 1 We go to Louisville, where the horses are. You want to go see the horses, buddy?

Speaker 1 Do you have miniature ones? Yeah, for you. I like the miniature ones.
Old ponies. After Louisville, we go to Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 1 April 20th, 4.20. 4.20.
Bring your pot. Bring your acoustic guitar and your cowboy boots.
And let's boot, scoot, and boogie down in Nashville. Where else are we? Then we go to Atlanta, Georgia.

Speaker 1 We got two shows. Late show got added.
First show, done. Late show in Atlanta added.
Atlanta, come on out. Then we go to Memphis, Norfolk, Virginia.
We go to Durham.

Speaker 1 Come on, North Carolina, and Charlotte. Then we go to San Antonio, Texas.
Texas, one of my favorite towns. How many shows do we have in San Antonio? 52.
Two, two, two, two, two shows.

Speaker 1 Two shows, I mean. Two shows in San Antonio.
We got Bayou Music,

Speaker 1 Houston, Texas. And we go to Bayou Music Center.
And then we finish it up at the pavilion. In a factory.
In Irving, Texas, which is actually where? At the Dallas. Is it at the factory, Toyota Factory?

Speaker 1 Everybody gets a Toyota in Dallas. If you come out to the show, a Yaris.
Everybody gets a Yaris.

Speaker 1 Then we go to Spanish. Those are at $10, $7.

Speaker 1 We go to Spokane, Washington, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Phoenix, Arizona, where Juicy's entire friends and family are coming out.

Speaker 1 Then we go to the Dingleberry of the United States, Florida, Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, Orlando.

Speaker 1 Let's go and we finish off a few of these dates with two shows in Riverside, one in San Diego, and then we peel back off to the East Coast, Montclair, New Jersey, Porchester, New York.

Speaker 1 Let me read one. Then we go to where? where?

Speaker 1 Baltimore. When the Willa Wire.
Yeah, and then where? Philadelphia. That's where

Speaker 1 the AIDS movie is. That's right.
I love that. Tom Hanks is going to be joining us on stage in Philadelphia at the Mets.
Dude, out of all the AIDS movie, that's my favorite one.

Speaker 1 It's your favorite. Yeah.
Then we have two shows in Toronto where Drake is going to be at one of the two shows. We're not going to say which one.
Yeah. So hopefully you'll pick the right one.

Speaker 1 And after that. Is the weekend coming? The weekend has nothing to do with Toronto.
I don't even know what that is. He's Canadian.
Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 I heard he likes me. He's going to be there.
Rochester, New York, guys, at the Kodiak. Rochester, Northfield, Ohio, Homestead PA.
We're bringing it home, you guys. Let's party.

Speaker 1 Go to badfriendspod.com. Come see us.
Badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.
All right, let's start the show. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 Really, you two or something. We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 I want to ask, I want to ask, Jesse, sorry for calling you Jamie earlier.

Speaker 2 It's all right. I just had a my dad used to date this lady named Jamie, and we hated her.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Oh, tell me. I want to know all about Jamie.

Speaker 2 She used to steal stuff from us.

Speaker 2 I remember she went to hit my sister one day, and my sister was like 12, and she goes, what are you going to do? Hit me?

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, I thought it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. Did she have freckles?

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 I needed a description of my mind. Yeah, but don't be discriminatory to people with freckles.

Speaker 1 No, if she says no, it could be no. Yeah, but she's taking a shot at me by doing that.
Okay, does she... What kind of size breasts? That's again, that's at me.

Speaker 1 I'm a B-plus right now. Is she average size, like 5'8 ⁇ ?

Speaker 2 She's dead now.

Speaker 1 Oh, she did. Oh, so she's 3'1.
They shrink it. She's 6'2 with the bump.

Speaker 1 She's 6' down. Yeah, yeah.
Hey,

Speaker 1 why did she die?

Speaker 2 No, I don't know much. It was just like posted on Facebook.
I found out a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 What a bummer that that's what death is equated to now. On Facebook.
But when she died, did you cry at all? No, I was just...

Speaker 1 Did you smile?

Speaker 2 So my dad's remarried, and I love my stepmom. And so she's been in, we've been a family for so long.
This is ancient history. So I just kind of forgot about this lady.
It was just awful.

Speaker 1 But I think you told me one time. I think you told me one time that she died.
Jamie died in a crazy, funny way. What was it again?

Speaker 2 Yeah. It was a Whoopeekushi accident.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding. Whoa, what happened?

Speaker 2 She sat on it and it was like

Speaker 2 it like blew up, but it also made the noise, which is why I'm laughing.

Speaker 1 Oh, she died. So she got, it was like, and then she died.
You know what a whoopee cushion would be even better if you could put farts in it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because people put air in it, but if you can actually put a fart in it, it gives it that double, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, it's a fake fart, but not. It's real.
It's real almost. That's actually real.
But not out of a butthole.

Speaker 1 We should invent that here. But how, how, how? What do you mean? How would you feel like that? Whoa, where do farts come from? We've got to figure that out.

Speaker 1 What is a fart? Air? It's gas. It's gas.
It's a buildup of gas. Check it out.
I got it right here.

Speaker 1 It's air or gas. Is it a gas? It's a gas.
If you put air, let's you put poo.

Speaker 1 Think about it. Pooh in a plastic bag.

Speaker 1 And then you. Yes, correct.
You could do that. Does it turn into a gas? That's right, it would.
Right. Yeah.
Somehow put that.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, put that in it. Should I call my engineering buddy?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's just an idea.

Speaker 1 You need to look up this video right now. There's a guy that they so sometimes they can extricate gas from cows.
Watch a guy release gas from a cow and then light the methane on fire.

Speaker 1 So check this out. Okay.

Speaker 1 This guy extricates gas from the cow and he lights it on fire. Look at this.

Speaker 1 That's like a flamethrower. Wow.
That's because all the gas coming out of that cow. Wow.

Speaker 1 The flammable methane gas from a cow's displaced,

Speaker 1 what is it called?

Speaker 1 Embolism. I got it.
I got it. You take the whoopee cushion, you put it at the end of that.
Instead of lighting it on fire, you let it because it's coming out.

Speaker 1 Right, but the flame is burning off the methane. Yeah, we take the flame out.
You don't light it. That's how we fill up whoopee cushions.
That's what I said.

Speaker 1 I know, but we have to sell them full, but then how do you refill them?

Speaker 1 It's a one-time use. It's a one-time use.
Okay, one-time use. You put that in the packaging.
I get it. Yeah, one-time use only, right?

Speaker 1 And if you want to put regular air, you can use it after that. But then it's going to taste like fart.

Speaker 1 Oh, you blow into it. Yeah.
It tastes like a fart.

Speaker 1 interesting um yeah so anyway um by the way have you ever had a valet fart in your car when you go to pick your car back up

Speaker 1 he has what do you mean i farted in your car no well that's it that's probably true yeah yeah no but i picked my car from the valet the other night yeah and a hundred percent he farted in my car you can't you can't prove it that's why what do you mean i'm sitting in a car

Speaker 1 you can't you weren't witness to the fart

Speaker 1 It could be anything. I had dinner for an hour and 25 minutes.

Speaker 1 A fart cannot sit that long, so I didn't do it. Well, what's a rat? Huh? A rat? A rat? A mouse? You think I have animals in my car?

Speaker 1 Where are these? There could be a little mouse underneath your seat. He farted.
Yeah. So the mouse farted.

Speaker 1 Check this out. You're drunk one night.
You get Taco Bell. Right? Never, but yeah.
Okay,

Speaker 1 hypothetically. Okay, good.

Speaker 1 Half a bean burrito. Right? Mouse.
Shit. I've been down here for six months, man.
How did a mouse get into my seat? I don't know. Six months is so.
So it's just a theory. I got it.

Speaker 1 Bean burrito, right? He eats it, right? Farts. And then he knows the valet is going in.
I can blame it on this guy. Right.
Well, Raul. Right.
Raul.

Speaker 1 Well, he doesn't have to blame anything because I don't know the mouse is under there for six months. Okay, my God.
How did he get the burrito? Who? The mouse. You dropped it.
Drunk one night.

Speaker 1 I dropped a huge burrito. You're a drunk driver.
So, first of all, I'm drinking and driving. Do you drive?

Speaker 1 And I just drop a whole burrito on my seat. Because when I used to get drunk, I used to wake up with like a,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? A sausage McMuffin with egg.

Speaker 1 You wake up and you're like, you have something on your face. You know what I mean? Like a sandwich or you fall asleep like that.

Speaker 1 One time in college, we did the thing where I cooked a pizza I put in the oven and it caught on fire because I left it and I fell asleep.

Speaker 1 Almost burnt the apartment down. My bad, boys.

Speaker 1 It didn't. It didn't, but it was burnt to a crisp and it was stinky, stinky and smoky, smoky.
That was my fault. I bet you are fans at home.
Someone's fallen asleep and put a pizza in the oven.

Speaker 2 I've done that, but I took it out, but it was already burnt anyway.

Speaker 1 So I just woke up the next morning and there was a burnt pizza in my bed did you eat it no but it felt like a one-night stand where i woke up and i was like oh what did i do last night what did i do with you last night burnt pizza have you ever made a homemade pizza i tried it oh yeah no you go to what vaughn's and they have that one thing it's like um yeah what's it called it's like it's already crusted well they have pizza dough no not pizza dough it's another thing that's already like the and then you just put cheese and it's crust no it's pizza crust that's already cooked yeah right and that's what i meant and frozen no not frozen

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I can't even explain it. It's like a dried.
I know what you're talking about. What you do really?

Speaker 2 It's in that clear bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a clear bag. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like baked already.

Speaker 1 It's already baked. So it is cooked, like I just said.
Is that what you're saying? We keep saying the same thing.

Speaker 1 What is going on? No, no, I get what he's saying. No, you know.
Keto cocaine. Right, right.
No, don't do that. But whenever I did that, it just didn't taste good.

Speaker 1 I've never done it with a real dough. Oh, I've done it with real dough.
Really? Is it worth it? Yeah. So worth it.

Speaker 2 I have a bread maker. I'm not to brag, but

Speaker 1 Tanya Papa over here. Yeah.
You have a bread maker? Little Tom Papa. Where do you get that?

Speaker 2 My grandma gave it to me.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's one of those hand-me-downs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess. He doesn't like stuff like that.
I don't like hand-me-downs. Why? Because you can go to bed bath and Yambian and get a new one, right? Yeah, like a high-tech one.
I like mine.

Speaker 2 By Dyson. It tastes better when it's made with love.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Oh, wow.
It does. It does.
No, my friend's mom, my friend Michelle's dad, I mean, mom, my friend's dad had a brick, brick, uh, brick pizza oven in their backyard.

Speaker 1 Brick oven, pizza oven, and it was that's what they say, it's good. It's so good, and he would make us pizzas.
I would sit there, I'd eat pizzas all night. What do you do with sauce?

Speaker 1 What do you mean, what kind of sauce? Damn, do you go like prego? No, you gotta put your sauce, you gotta get yourself a can of smashed tomatoes and put it in a put it in an emulsifier.

Speaker 1 You gotta emulsify the smashed tomatoes, put parsley, you could put a little bit of uh

Speaker 1 you could put a little bit of bajabool in there, yeah, and gajagoon. you know what the best you ever had bajaboon

Speaker 1 gajabo and here's what you do you emulsify the the tomatoes listen up you just

Speaker 1 you emulsify the tomatoes put bajabun and gajaboon on the back side then you sprick a spakaspuka paka all over the pizza yeah and you put your toppings on you put mats you get fresh matz

Speaker 1 then you put a little bit of of uh basil you like basil i love basil put a little bit of basil you drizzle some olive oil on there extra virgin.

Speaker 1 You don't want them used. You want them extra virgin? And then you slide it in there.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Meniscalco. That was very good.
Head on.

Speaker 1 What's a movie that they cook Italian food and you were like, I want to eat that right now. I have it in my mind.
Casino. Goodfellas.
Ville Parmigian. Yeah, good fellas.
When you're in prison?

Speaker 1 When he's slicing the garlic. When he's slicing the fucking garlic.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. When I watch it, I go, I want to eat that.
And it also goes

Speaker 1 his fingernails are oily. I like that so much.
You can see the Italian grease ball oil coming off of his hand. I'm a grease ball.
Sorry, Internet. Don't get mad at me.
I saw. What are you, Juice?

Speaker 1 Are you Italian?

Speaker 2 Oh, my stepmom is Italian, so I was like raised part Italian, but I think I've got German and Welsh.

Speaker 1 German. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh. Not good.
I love them all. And a little bit of Jewish.

Speaker 2 A little bit of Jewish, too. I'm like an eighth Jewish.

Speaker 1 Oh, don't do that.

Speaker 1 Don't do that right now. Don't do that thing.
I am.

Speaker 2 I'm probably the same Jewish as I am German, so they cancel each other out. So I'd say I'm Welsh.

Speaker 1 I saw cocaine bear.

Speaker 1 Did you?

Speaker 1 Did you like it? I don't know why I made that separation. When you said I saw cocaine, I was like, Bobby?

Speaker 1 Do we need to have a talk? Cocaine Bear. What happened? How was it? It's a true story.
Yeah, it is a partially true story. That was my biggest beef with it.
That's not the real. It's not?

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, I was like, rehab.

Speaker 1 No, not really, because if he's addicted, you know what I mean? He needs to go. Yeah.
But it was a a pretty good movie, I thought. It was? Yeah.
Is there any stars in it? Ray Liotta. He's in it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Is that his last movie? I think so.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 That's tough. Yeah.
But I was thinking, like,

Speaker 1 what's part two? Is it Meth Bear? Meth Bear. Yeah, crap.
You know what the scare is? Bath Salts Bear.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I've hung out with that guy.
Hold on. Look at this poor little girl.
Zoom in, by the way, to this girl.

Speaker 1 Look at what her parents did to her. Brooklyn Prince.

Speaker 1 Fuck these people.

Speaker 1 Brooklyn Prince. Also, they spelled Brooklyn wrong.
No, she added the extra M, probably. She did.
I want to be different.

Speaker 1 Brooklyn Prince. She's 12 years old.
I know. I know.
I'm not making fun of her. I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 How is it being back in LA? I feel like. I feel terrible about it.
I hate it here. No, it's great.
I'm so happy to be back. I'm just teasing.

Speaker 1 I love it here, especially when I get to come back and see my little juicy yin-yin yin yin yin. Jeski Johnson.
Yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin, yin yin yin yin yan y.

Speaker 1 Did you make love a lot to your wife? First day.

Speaker 1 What? Is that first day we're nothing aligned? No, it's fine.

Speaker 1 First day she showed up, we were porky porky. Yeah, yeah.
First day, porky porky. Second day, porky, porky.
Porky porky. Third day.
No porky. See you later.
All right. I got to go.
You're done.

Speaker 1 I got to go. Well, you need a day's rest.
You need one day rest. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. God took one, right? On the seventh day.

Speaker 1 On the third day, I rested. He porky porky six days.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 it was all, it was actually, it's so fun when you, when you have sex down under because you come backwards. Yeah.
Does God have sex? Does he? No one ever thinks, no one's ever asked that question.

Speaker 1 Does God have sex? Yeah. I mean, I imagine.
I mean, because he has to, he created it all. He must be like, you know what I mean? I tried, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 A more viable question would be, does Jesus jerk off?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Because they made him a figure of a man.
Well, in human form, he must have tried it.

Speaker 2 He probably did it so much, that's why they nailed him at the wrist.

Speaker 1 Here's the joke. That's what he couldn't get down to.
He's like, let me down. I need a jerk off.

Speaker 1 You know what Jesus died with a boner? You know, he died with an erection? How? He died with a hard on. That was a knife.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Some people have auto-erotic asphystiations. Some people are sexualized.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What's that? Violence.
Yeah. And apparently when they hung him up there, he had an erection.
He had a death erection. Angel lust, rigor erectus.
Rigor erectus. That's our new band.

Speaker 1 Or terminal erection is a post-mortem erection, technically a priapism observed in the corpses of men who have been executed, particularly by hanging, right? That's the thing.

Speaker 1 But for Jesus, nailed to the cross, he had an erection. He had a death erection.
Wow. Angel lust, dude.
That's what they say.

Speaker 1 Well, the only way you would know that is somebody witnessed it when he was doing it. Like some Roman, probably.
Can you imagine? Well, yeah, because they're all creeps. The Romans were all weirdos.

Speaker 1 Imagine they put him up there, and then everyone's like, all right, that's it for the night. That's enough of the viewing.
And then one guy was like, I'm going to stick around.

Speaker 1 And then he lifts open, right? He lifts something open. he goes ah

Speaker 1 Yeah, no by the way Jesus was naked all these depictions of them cover have him covered He was they were nude when they did public any sort of that public stuff You were nude.

Speaker 1 There wasn't any like decency clothes

Speaker 1 100%. How do you know this? Because I was around

Speaker 1 I'll tell you exactly how I know yeah in what world would a savage brutalization like nailing someone to wood and and putting them up in public for other people to see die slowly, would you have the decency to be like, cover up his penis?

Speaker 1 You nailed him to wood. That's true.
You literally hammered a man's body to wood. Why would you have the psychopathic decency to go, all right, Dillo, don't let his nuts hang out?

Speaker 1 Come on, we're not monsters. Yeah, we're all animals.

Speaker 1 So I wouldn't even show up to that thing, would you?

Speaker 1 He's still the flyer. I'm getting a lot of fire.
They must have flyers. Well,

Speaker 1 you don't got a lot going on.

Speaker 1 You don't got a lot going on that day anymore. I know.
You went to the market. You went to Netflix.
Right.

Speaker 1 There's nothing else to do. That That is Netflix.
Right, right. That's their Netflix.
And when they hang him up, they go,

Speaker 1 What are you supposed to do?

Speaker 1 Those days, by the way, were consumed with like one task. You imagine there was nothing to do.
So I'm sure that was, you know, like, just like gossip. That's where gossip started.

Speaker 1 They were bored and they were like, you did hear they're going to hang him tomorrow. And he's like, oh, I'm going to check it out.
There was probably one guy that was late. He's just,

Speaker 1 oh, you guys did it already.

Speaker 1 Take him down and put him on your hold. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Both of you're

Speaker 1 broke. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He got a pocket full of stones.

Speaker 1 Do it again. Do it again.
Who's going to throw these? Yeah, yeah. God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, they would go to public stuff like that.

Speaker 1 The idea also that, like, in gangs in New York, I remember when they had those like town squares where they had executions or like punishments and stuff,

Speaker 1 the awful thing was even the most like good-hearted people had to be observant of it because the whole town had to make sure it went according to plan.

Speaker 1 So then you had to have like not just ratty scumbags, you had to have like the lawyers and doctors and dignitaries that would have to be there to make sure that it didn't get abusive, that they were doing it by the book because it was legal to do all that stuff back then.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, so you had to have someone there for like decency.
Yeah. Otherwise it'd be run by tyrants.
It would be like, you know, if you let Carlos, you know, run this show.

Speaker 1 It'd be glory holes all over this place.

Speaker 1 By the way, is there a glory hole behind that sign? Because I moved it the other day, and it looks like there is.

Speaker 1 Somebody told me my good buddy Corey said to me, who's a fan of the show, who I love, my boy Corey, and he says, he goes, man, Carlos and that Glory Hole stuff, that's interesting to admit.

Speaker 1 I know that is.

Speaker 1 But you know what? Respect for you. Respect to you for admitting because, you know, hey, you did it.
No big deal.

Speaker 1 And it's fine. I'm owning it.
It's funny. You have to own that kind of stuff.
Now, has that, since it's out there, right? Is it fucking up your game or no?

Speaker 1 No, actually. Actually, I had a girl be like, I saw that Glory Hole video, and I was like, oh my God.
And she laughed. And I was like, oh, okay.
Oh, so she's cool. She's cool.
She's down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, wait, do you think, what if, okay, what if you meet a girl, beautiful girl,

Speaker 1 you're like in love with this girl, and she's like, I kind of want to take you to Glory Holes, and I want to watch you get glory holed. And you're like, okay.

Speaker 1 And she's like, I know, but it's got to be,

Speaker 1 it's got to be in West Hollywood.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's got to be by men, but I want to watch you and it it turns me on.
It makes me love you more. Are you going?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think he is.
That's a good question. I think he is.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm thinking about it, obviously.

Speaker 2 What if he got mentally prepared to do it and then they got there and it was just a mini golf place called Glory Hole?

Speaker 1 But on the 18th, you still have to sink your penis in the hole. Yeah.
And the ball sucker grabs you. I think I would do it.
You would.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Do you think you'd be able to get erect?

Speaker 1 No. Well, on the other ones, I was able to.
You were. Yeah.
Because the element of naughtiness turned you on. You were like, I'm not supposed to be in this glory hole, but this is kind of hot.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's why I went anyway for the element of naughtiness or danger or whatever. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you get aroused by the danger.

Speaker 1 Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Well, because he's a drug addict.
He's from Mexico. That's what it is.
Yeah. That dopamine thing.
Would you say fancy? He's from Mexico.

Speaker 1 Oh, you need some Mexican tea?

Speaker 1 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Dude, that border wall is filled with holes for some of them.

Speaker 1 You go down there at the end.

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Speaker 1 Butcher box. Every time I see a butcher box outside my front door, yum, yum, yum, I get, yum, yum, so excited.
Yum, yum, yum, yum. I just got myself some butcher box.
I love it so much.

Speaker 1 High-quality meat, 100% grass ped, beef, free-range organic chicken, pork raised, crate-free, and wild-caught seafood.

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Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing is that I'm going to get some good red meat, and then I get some good chicken for the puppuccino for my cute little pup, and then I get some wild-caught salmon for both of us.

Speaker 1 How about that? I get mine, she gets hers, and then we get a little share. You know what I mean? Oh, and guess you like free stuff?

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Speaker 1 Morgan and Morgan.

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There's so many things in it already and it's a brand new car. And guess what you do? You go to Morgan and Morgan.

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Speaker 1 Nobody knows the details of this. And that's why Morgan Morgan is here to help you.
Did you know that you don't need a lot of money to hire a lawyer? Okay, not everyone has the money, right?

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Didn't know how to turn to.

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Speaker 1 This is paid advertisements. Are there glory holes on that wall in the border at the border in Mexico? Like the Texas border?

Speaker 1 Imagine a buddy going, Clement, Clint, no, that's not why I'm here.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sure there's tunnels. There's probably tunnels there too, right? 100%.
They've already found a bunch of them. In Texas for years, they've been doing this.
Yeah. But what kind of tunnel?

Speaker 1 Are they nice? Yeah, they're beautiful.

Speaker 1 Because you've seen tunnels in movies.

Speaker 1 Is there lights? There's got to be. There's going to be string up lights at the bottom of it.
Have you ever seen when they do the night crossings? Yeah. When they go across like the river at night?

Speaker 1 It's like a full coordinated effort. They have like it planned out.
They have brake stations where they hide water and stuff. My tunnel, dude, would be so dope.
You would have the dopest tunnel.

Speaker 1 Cement.

Speaker 1 I'd do a cement thing. Be a little Korean barbecue halfway through.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right. You get hot pot halfway through.
Right. And then I would probably have drawings on the side.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Little etchings. No, just people jumping over fences or, you know what I mean? Like just fun stuff.
Freedom. Right.
That's El Chapos. That was that one.
That was El Chapos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Beautiful. That's what I'm talking about right there.
Oh, yeah. He ride a motorcycle.
He had a motorcycle.

Speaker 1 Whoa. That's so cool.

Speaker 1 El Chapo, dude. So rap.
Oh, look at that. It's a motorcycle attached to a push cart, like a train push cart.
Wow. That's really cool.

Speaker 1 It looks like those carts from the cartoons where they go like this on one side, where they pump and pump to the other side. Have you guys ever seen the videos of the guys?

Speaker 1 I mean, we might have talked about it on the show, but I watch it every once in a while. It pops back up on my feed of people caving, going into these little tiny crevices of caves.

Speaker 1 Have we talked about that on the show? Well, I've seen movies like that. Oh, brother.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, brother? This is so scary. Yeah, that gets my heart going.
Oh, it gets me. There's people that go like tiny cave, people caving in tiny space.

Speaker 1 I can't watch it. It's fucking gives me.
Yeah, look at that.

Speaker 1 Why the fuck are you doing that? It's insane. Look at this guy.
He's climbing through this little tiny cave.

Speaker 1 Entering a cave. Now, it gets so.

Speaker 1 There's a father and son on the internet who do it. And they go to the ones that are like the most challenging.
Like, this is nothing. You see how wide that is? That one was nothing.

Speaker 1 There's one where he barely fits through.

Speaker 1 Go more into it. Go more down the line where you can see how small it gets.
It creeps me out so much. But I watch it when, look at that, look at that.

Speaker 1 This one's big. He's at a break point.

Speaker 1 I watch it when I'm on the toilet and I'm constipated because I'm like, if this guy can get through there,

Speaker 1 you guys are going to be able to get through.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't you be panicked? Look at that. You wouldn't be panicked.
Yeah, I would be. Look, it just isn't.

Speaker 1 I had a joke, but I can't say it because you're going to be mad. Say it.
No, I don't want to know. Say it.
We have the power to edit. Oh, you do? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought he was crawling through your mom's vagina.

Speaker 1 See, I knew you'd be mad. No, no, no, no.
That's funny. No, it's very funny.
Because that's what happened to me. But anyway,

Speaker 1 can you Google real fast

Speaker 1 squirrel suit flying?

Speaker 1 Squirrel suit cave flying? Because I want to show you a video of somebody going through your mom's pussy real fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I want to see it. I want to see my mom.
I want to show you my mom. Yeah, I want to show you what it looks like here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hear me.

Speaker 1 I go that far. That's him.

Speaker 1 So, this is a guy jumping into your mom's vagina. Here he is.

Speaker 1 Here he goes. There we go.
He's about to do it. Uh-huh.
If Carlos could only help me with this joke. There it is.
It's right through your mom's vagina. There it is.
Oh, because it's yellow? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it was last seen in 2013. Yeah, I don't know why people do that, but I got to tell you something.
When they die, though, I don't feel bad. Well, because they're stuck in a cave.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But also, you know how much money it probably costs to get them out of the cave? They have to give paramedics to go get all this stuff to get them out.

Speaker 1 That's probably costing the city millions of dollars. That's tax money.
Tax money. That's tax money.
Spoken like a true Spanish Republican.

Speaker 1 What about that movie that James Franco did and he got his arm stuck in a cliff? What was that? 125 hours? 127 hours, right? Yeah, even one hour.

Speaker 1 Two hours off. I'm not even with the number.
Well, it has some bearing of significance. He lost his arm, right? One arm, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Big deal. By the way, big deal.
Lose both arms and then ride movies off. He cut it off with a knife this big.
Like a Swiss Army knife, right? Oh, he cut it off. The real guy did.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 That's amazing now. There he is.
Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 He couldn't have waited a couple more hours. Apparently not.

Speaker 1 132 hours waited. There it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was he getting so what's that? His arms. Some fake armor.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's incredible, dude. And there he is, Star.

Speaker 1 That was such a lazy Halloween costume that year. You know how many guys were just like, I don't know, just pretend to cut my arm off like the 127 hours guy.

Speaker 1 What's the worst Halloween costume you've ever done, Juice?

Speaker 2 I was a tourist once.

Speaker 1 I regret that. So cheap.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I would like take pictures of people and they act Asian.

Speaker 1 It's just like offensive.

Speaker 1 I like that. She acted Asian.
She actually.

Speaker 1 Don't ask me. What is it? I can't tell you.
Come on. I'll get into it.
Oh, I know. Come on.
What? Blackface?

Speaker 1 No. No, no, no.
Whoa. No, no, no, no.
Did you ever do blackface? I didn't put...

Speaker 1 I wore a wig.

Speaker 1 What was the character? Who was it? Michael Jackson. Well, he kind of was white dressed.
Yes, and that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I think I'm doing Michael Jackson.

Speaker 1 So I did Michael Jackson, but I remember getting the black. Right.
Right?

Speaker 1 Because you could do it at school. We're in middle school, and you can dress up for that day.
It's middle school. It's middle school, right? By the way,

Speaker 1 40 years ago. Yeah, as a kid, I'm like, I put one on and I went, nah, and I put the soap, I took the black off, and I just put the wig and the glove on.

Speaker 1 But it's not because you were conscious of what blackface was going to mean in the future. You just didn't like the way it looked.
No, no, no, that's no. No, you didn't didn't.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, this is wrong. Not when you're a kid, you don't know any better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way you knew any better.
Yeah. And I bit a kid on a thigh.

Speaker 1 What? As a Michael Jackson, I bit a little boy on the thigh

Speaker 1 to play the park. Why can't I say that?

Speaker 1 Why can't I say that? You can. Yeah, of course you can.

Speaker 1 Why did you bitch? Did he not do that? Do you remember the name of the kid that you bit? No, it's just a joke, man. I didn't do that.
I know, and then you make it up. Right.

Speaker 1 What are you new to the show? It was chimpanzee. It was bubbles.
It was bubbles. It was blankets.

Speaker 1 It was bubbles. I got bubbles.
Yeah, yeah. Remember when he hung his kid over the railing? Oh, that was insane.
Which kid was it? Blanket. Oh, it was blanket.
Yeah, the kid's name was Blanket.

Speaker 1 Are you kidding me? Kid's name was Blanket. The kid's name was Blanket.

Speaker 2 Wow. He hung his blanket out the porch.

Speaker 1 You know what, Brooklyn Prince? I take it back.

Speaker 1 I take it back, Brooklyn Prince. Your name is fine.

Speaker 1 Blanket Jackson. Although Blanket Jackson sounds like a superhero.
Yeah. Like a 70s, you know, like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, bank, don't, bang, bank, bounce, blanket Jackson.

Speaker 2 You know, you guys said when I started this, if you get me to 100,000 followers, we're all getting tattoos. And you got there?

Speaker 1 I'm pretty close. What are you at? What are you at?

Speaker 2 99.1.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Look at that.
Wow. Well, watch us, watch us, juicy, watch us.
How many followers away is that from 100,000?

Speaker 1 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 1 Is it? Less.

Speaker 1 100.

Speaker 1 More.

Speaker 1 Why are you putting me on the spot? Because I knew it would be. No, because you're basically going, oh, he's a a broken Asian.
He doesn't know numbers. You're like a discount Asian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I'm a discount Asian. You're the 99 cent store Asian.
Yeah, yeah. And that's why I love you.
I'm not good at numbers, man. I know, buddy.
I'm good at like history. I don't look at it.

Speaker 1 I don't know anything about it. You're good at present.
What's at present? You're good in the present. I'm in the present moment.
Yeah, yeah. I know what's going on in the present moment.
Right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Who's the president? Me, Joe Biden.
That's right. You.
Joe Biden. Yeah, Joe Biden.
Imagine if Joe Biden took off his mask and he was you.

Speaker 1 Just a little Korean guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just have something to reveal. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 That's why he keeps falling down because he's on stilts.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 can't see through the top of that mask. Do you remember when Joe Biden fucking fell off? He was getting onto the plane.
He slipped. Loved it.
And people saw it was Jim Carrey.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like a bunch of Trump suppressors. That's Jim Carrey, man.
Remember when Joe Biden talked out of his butthole when he got on that plane and everybody thought it was Jim Carrey?

Speaker 1 He made it, though. He made it his entire term.

Speaker 1 Knock on wood.

Speaker 1 I don't want him to run again. I don't think he's going to.
Okay, good. I don't think he's going to.

Speaker 2 Physically, he can't.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, how was the Jesilik tour? Good? Oh, wait a minute.
We should ask that a little bit angrier. How was the Jesil tour? Yeah, Betrayer.
Betrayer. Did you have fun on that tour without us?

Speaker 2 It was one weekend.

Speaker 2 You were filming a whole movie.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 don't, don't do that.

Speaker 2 I can't have any fun. You're ours.

Speaker 1 You're ours. You're ours.

Speaker 2 I am yours for the next three months.

Speaker 1 No, forever.

Speaker 1 No, your teammates are. You're going to sign a contract.
Yeah, you are signed. We actually should sign a contract.
No, Jessel Neck. He's a great guy.
We love him so much. Is it fun?

Speaker 2 It was fun. Good.
I'm doing half hours, so I feel like I'm getting sharp. And at every show, there were bad friends there, which was really cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fucking awesome. We love him so much.
He's so fucking funny, that guy, man. Yeah, he's.
He's probably one of the best joke riders in town. I'd think.
Without question. Yeah.
Out of town.

Speaker 1 Any town. He's in the town.
His switches are so good. He's very, very talented.

Speaker 1 I don't want to talk about him anymore because he stole you from us. We're glad that you were able to do that.
No, I actually fucking loved it. You said that.

Speaker 1 I was like, I couldn't think of a better person to go out with that I'd like to respect as a comic, enjoy as a human, like all the above.

Speaker 2 Sacramento Punchline, which I loved it there.

Speaker 1 It's a smaller club, but I'm going back. You sent me a picture of myself.
Wait, wait, wait, played Sacramento Punchline?

Speaker 2 It was, so he, I talked to him.

Speaker 1 He's in clubs.

Speaker 2 He was telling me, like, with his hour, he's going to put in the most work and do those clubs before doing the the theater toys.

Speaker 1 I think that's so smart.

Speaker 1 He was telling me that last time, too. I love that idea.
Yeah, you went into SAC and I put up my poster back then from SAC. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I said, Andrew was in the that was the club that I made love to the 60-year-old woman.

Speaker 1 A waitress? No, she was a... Can I say it or a

Speaker 1 club where the grandma came up to me and goes, I think you're so funny, young man. You made love to a 60-year-old woman? No, I just sucked on her titties.
Oh, that's sweet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in a car, and then she had

Speaker 1 the toys from

Speaker 1 her grandkids, and I had to readjust my, you know, I had to readjust my body in the second seat. And the breasts were very beautiful.
Her breasts were. Large breast

Speaker 1 nipples, large freckles. Maybe they're lesions.
I don't know what they are.

Speaker 1 What I'm curious about is after you had boob play,

Speaker 1 nothing else. And then I called her at like one in the morning.
I go, come over. And she's like, I'm tired.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Because

Speaker 1 I'm not going to get it. They get up at like 4:30.
I don't put that in your mind because it was my first, you know what I mean, an old lady hookup. Right.
Right. So you don't know.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So they have different schedules. Well, she drinks her metamucil at like five.

Speaker 1 She's in bed by seven, you know, after she watches her programs. Yeah.
But I, you know, yeah, I liked her, you know. You remember her name? No.
Sacramento. Shout out.

Speaker 1 Whoever you are in Sacramento, please, ma'am, find us, reach out to us. Bobby still is in love with you, and he's single now.
So let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 He's ready to suck on those 80-year-old tears.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's so funny because it's like, you know,

Speaker 1 she was probably only 45. And you were like 20 something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, see, that's right. In your mind, it seems so much older.
Anything over 40, when you're in your 20s, you go, that's pretty old. Well, I was at what, I went to my buddy's

Speaker 1 birthday party or wherever at universe at Boulder in Colorado. And I went there for his birthday, and I hooked up with a chick.

Speaker 1 I like ditched them to go hook up with this girl that I met who had her own apartment. And we were like 20 years old.
And I thought I was like, what is this bitch, 50? She had her own apartment.

Speaker 1 That was insane.

Speaker 1 Everyone I knew lived with like 40 other people yeah so to have someone that that i i don't know how old she was she was significantly older than me but i was like in my mind i was like this bitch has got to be a lawyer she has her own apartment is she a millionaire like i was blown away and i left my glasses over there and i had to go back and get my glasses my sunglasses and uh she didn't look the same as she did before Wow, why?

Speaker 1 It was tough. What do you mean? My boys were making fun of me.

Speaker 2 Because you weren't drunk no more, so she looked different?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was pretty, she was pretty, yeah, she looked different.

Speaker 1 In what way, though?

Speaker 1 In like her face. Like dark crystal?

Speaker 1 It's almost like she wiped off her makeup and it was just like,

Speaker 1 oh, wow. And something else came out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she did that trick.
By the way, and that's the whole thing. You want to talk about fucking throwing us a curveball.

Speaker 1 I see these girls on TikTok and on Instagram and like they show you their makeup tutorials and they do like a 40-minute makeup. Like, you're a different person now.

Speaker 1 You're not even the same fucking person. That should be illegal.
They change shape. Have you ever seen these TikTok ones where they go, like,

Speaker 1 I don't even know what the hashtag is, but it's basically like transformation. Yeah, you see a before picture of a Joey Diaz.

Speaker 1 A woman looks, right? And then she looks like Kim Kardashian. It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable. But they post it on purpose.

Speaker 1 They do, they say, like, catfish, bait, transformation, because they know. Yeah.
And it's insane. These women look nothing alike that they.
Also, do the whole body. What?

Speaker 1 I mean, if you do the face, do the whole body. Why not? Look at that.
Catfishing makeup transformation. Yeah, it's fucking nuts.
It's nuts. Look at that girl.
She was hot, though. She was cute.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, she's cute.

Speaker 1 That's a guy. No, no, no.
I don't think so. I think she's pretty.
That's a guy.

Speaker 1 That's a guy. That wasn't a guy.
That's 100% a guy. Back it up.
That's 100% a guy. Let me look.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is a guy.

Speaker 1 you go to glory hole yeah it is a guy yeah you're right that's okay i can't read it what you can't read it it doesn't say that it's a guy

Speaker 1 look at that i don't think that's a guy carlos that's your glory hole yeah yeah 100 keep going i would give trips turn off the tunes turn off the tunes though we can't we're gonna get what are you getting angry

Speaker 1 oh wow well she just that's not yeah that's that's not that's not what i'm talking about oh that's not she's trying to make herself look bad yeah that's not what i'm talking about yeah let's see let's see.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 It's too much of a setup of this. Way too much of a setup.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What is this? An Andrew Santino joke? Too much setup here. Just get to the punchline, pal.
No. Oh, nice.
Whatever. That's beautiful.
Made fun of myself there. Thanks, guys.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was actually pretty good. Yeah, that's good.
I could have put that on somebody else, but I didn't. I put it on me.
Okay, no. Just scroll to someone that you see, Carlos.
Can I ask you something?

Speaker 1 Andrew, can I ask you something? Look at this one.

Speaker 1 Is that one good? No,

Speaker 1 she's very pretty. That's bullshit.
Could I do one and look like Randall Park?

Speaker 1 I wish.

Speaker 1 You don't think that I could do a tutorial and look like...

Speaker 1 How is that not you? Is that not you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's you. That's me.
That's 100% you. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
By the way, for the record, the amount of fucking people in Australia, the amount of people in Australia.

Speaker 1 That are Asian? That yelled at me. Well, first of all, there's so many Asian because where it is.

Speaker 1 The amount of people that yelled at me in the street, yelled, and I have proof of people that were with me that just go, yo, I'm Babby Mara. I'm Babi Mom.

Speaker 1 They love that shit. What's I'm Bobby Mamba? I'm Baby Mom.

Speaker 1 So we have a viral thing on the internet. You and I have a viral thing.
We do. I cross my eyes.
Yeah. I go, I'm Babi Mara from when I did it.

Speaker 1 Really? Dude, people lose their fucking mind. And they do it? They yell it in the street at me.
I'm Babi Mara. They go, I'm Babi Mom.
They all yell it to me in the street.

Speaker 1 That's my newest fanbase thing. Yeah.
Is people going, I'm Bobby Mara! And they love it. And they're all their friends.
You know what I'm known as? What?

Speaker 1 People walk up to me, hey man, Down syndrome guy. Down syndrome guy.
Yeah, yeah. You are.
I'm not. I don't know if it's just now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but if you say Down syndrome guy and no one knows what they're thinking, people will think I have Down syndrome.

Speaker 1 No, but like, okay, if somebody goes, who are your closest friends in comedy over the years? And I name a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 And if I get to you and they're like, and they don't know you, which is rare, but if they said who, and I go, Bobby Lee, the Asian Down syndrome guy, and they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Really? Then they know right away. Yeah, Carlos, we've had this conversation.
A fan

Speaker 1 came up to Carlos, crazily enough, this girl, was like, I love Carlos. I think you're so funny.
I've seen you on The Trash Show or whatever. And then Carlos was like, oh, thanks.
Introduced me.

Speaker 1 And she's like, oh, hey, what's up? Are you a comedian? I said, yeah. And she's like, oh, I'm a really big fan.
Like, I love comics. Who are you? Like,

Speaker 1 who's your crew? And I was like, I don't know. And then I'm just naming.
I said, I have a show with Bobby Lee. And she goes, I I don't know who that is.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you don't know who, do you not know any comics? She goes, well, who is he? I go, Asian comic Down syndrome. And she goes,

Speaker 1 Oh, Bobby Ree. She knew right away.

Speaker 1 She almost, like, right away. Oh, that hurts.
Well, it burns. That's what's going on in the streets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's going on in this.
I'm doing year celibacy. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? Yeah. Say that again slower.
Why? Because I want to soak it in. I'm doing one year celibacy.

Speaker 2 One year celibacy. When did you start?

Speaker 1 The last time I got laid. When was the last time you got laid? Two months ago.
By

Speaker 1 a woman? Whoa. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Clip that part.
No, no, I'm saying, let's use that for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 A woman.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say it to people's name. You don't have to say their name.
Yeah, yeah. A woman I met on

Speaker 1 a dating app. Raya? No, Hinge.

Speaker 1 Before I got banned. Oh, okay.
Oh, you got banned because you were lying about your age. Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Are you on any of these? Mm-mm. Yeah, but when we go on tour, though, can I just ask a question?

Speaker 1 When we go on tour, what if there's like a man, right? Handsome man. I'm going to describe him.
He's got like Michael Shannon eyes.

Speaker 1 And one of them's always looking out for you, and the other one's looking out for someone else. Right.

Speaker 1 Right? He's got a luscious goatee, right? A couple of tattoos on the neck. What do they say? Pita.
Pita? Yeah. One of them, he's PETA.
Yeah, PETA. Okay.
Like the animal?

Speaker 1 Are you saying PETA P-I-T-A, like a PETA bread? Or are you saying PETA, the organization for animals? The bread.

Speaker 1 Totally different guy. Yeah, he loves bread.
That is two totally different guys.

Speaker 1 PETA, for people out of school treatment of animals, and the PETA loves PETA bread guys. And the next tattoo is Euro.
Oh, he loves Euros and Pizzas. And PETAs.
Yeah, but what am I saying Euro? Huh?

Speaker 1 What am I saying when I say Euro? The meat. Yeah, G.

Speaker 1 Not the money.

Speaker 2 So he's not. Not Euro.

Speaker 1 Oh, the money Euro. Yeah, yeah, but not the money.
It's the meat. So they meet PETA.
So they can make a sandwich. Oh, so does he have have a little sandwich right here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Does he have Teziki sauce right down here? Right, right. So there's that, that, right? Yolt.
Jacked. He's jacked.
Skinny. Right? Skinny and

Speaker 1 Jacked. And he's also, check this out.
He's Bitcoin. Okay, Google Bitcoin.

Speaker 1 Google this. Bitcoin bro who's skinny jacked with neck tac to his right here.
He is. That's the guy we're talking about.
This is the guy right here. Hersch walker.

Speaker 1 Isn't that that looks like that's Israel?

Speaker 1 It looks like Stylebender. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's him.

Speaker 1 Do you like guys like that?

Speaker 2 No. That guy.
No.

Speaker 1 maybe five years ago.

Speaker 1 This guy. How about

Speaker 1 that?

Speaker 2 I think I really have to know someone's personality.

Speaker 2 I can be on dating apps. The whole, like, just like judging them.
Like, obviously, that plays a factor. But

Speaker 2 a lot of what I'm attracted to in people are their personalities.

Speaker 1 I know you also get that.

Speaker 1 That's what you like. You're like a lot of bullshit to be at.

Speaker 2 I have to have like a connection with somebody.

Speaker 1 Like, do you you like wacky guys? Like, what's up? How you doing?

Speaker 1 That guy. Everybody loves that guy.
Everyone loves that guy. What's up? I'm here.
Party time. You want to make you like that guy?

Speaker 1 That kind of personality?

Speaker 2 Like, maybe a little bit.

Speaker 1 Like, 10% wacky for sure. Hey, what's up? Smooth guy.
Smooth guy.

Speaker 2 60% that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. 10% wacky.
What's the biggest red flags? This is a big thing on this. Building like a red flags.
Sims character, right? What's a red flag? What's your red flags? How about this?

Speaker 1 We'll play a game. I'll give you a thing that they do, right, and see if that's a red flag for you.
Okay. You want to do that? Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 Eat their boogers.

Speaker 1 Eat their boogers.

Speaker 1 Red flag.

Speaker 1 Why, though? But what if they're mango boogers? Yeah, yeah. And they were extracting the badge.
That was just a joke, by the way. Huh? It was just a joke, Joe.
Sure, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why wouldn't I vape through my nose and eat the boogers? That's insane. Oh.

Speaker 1 It says mango booger, friends.

Speaker 1 I was wondering about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, um, okay, how about this? Yeah, um,

Speaker 1 I'm a millionaire, but I got my money, you know, through, you know, my grandpa died. What do you think? Red flag or no?

Speaker 2 Not yet.

Speaker 1 Cool. Great.
Yeah. How about this one?

Speaker 1 I'm a millionaire, and I acquired most of my money through unethical business practices that I could go to jail for at any given point. Red flag.
Yeah, okay. Of course.
That's a red flag.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know. You know, she could be into guys that go to prison.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I have two testicles missing.

Speaker 1 I have two testicles. I'm sorry to laugh so hard, though.

Speaker 1 But I have, you know what I mean, plastic testicles. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 And they look good because I went to Tokyo to get them.

Speaker 1 Do they have good ones? Yeah, they have great ones. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay. And so, but we can't have kids, right?

Speaker 1 But, you know, my brother, thank God my brother, he lent me the sperm to go inside my fake

Speaker 1 testicles. So we could have a baby.
It's my brother, but you know, it's coming out of my anyway. red flag.

Speaker 2 Can I kick you in the nuts?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't feel the thing.

Speaker 2 That sounds pretty fun.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 That's good. That's good.
I'm glad your priorities are straight. I just wanted me to kick you in the nuts.
Give her another one.

Speaker 2 It's funny in public. We could just stage things.

Speaker 1 How about this?

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 I'm an okay-looking guy, but at any given point,

Speaker 1 my teeth can just fall out of my head. They just start falling out, and I have to pick them up and put them back in.
It happens to me all day long. Is this a red flag?

Speaker 2 It's probably a red flag.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't really?

Speaker 2 I would like date him if his personality was really cool.

Speaker 1 Okay, what if he was? Okay, what if he. Because it'd be kind of funny then, too.
What if he has Tourette's?

Speaker 2 Red flag. I could never bring him to anything I do.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I got one. I got one.
Yeah. All right.
A guy says, right? You know what I mean? I'm a good dude.

Speaker 2 Where are you guys finding these guys?

Speaker 1 They're all over the place. Yeah, when I was 22 years old, I was a school breath driver.

Speaker 1 Dude, you said that so Asian.

Speaker 1 I was school bus driver.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 It's like the old you comes back into play. I school bus driver.
School bus driver. Right.
And

Speaker 1 I was in an accident.

Speaker 1 How are you doing it again? I was going to do it. Okay.
Fuck it. I'll do it live, fucking Asian, right? We'll do it live.
Yeah, we'll do it live, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 accident,

Speaker 1 all the kids died. I'm not blame.
I'm not blame. Okay.
Right?

Speaker 1 But I drunk. Oh, no.
Oh, no. That's a good one.
Red flag?

Speaker 1 That was 20 years ago. Long time ago.
He's paid his penances aside. He got out of prison.
But he killed like 38 kids.

Speaker 2 Let's just order dinner first.

Speaker 1 Okay, good.

Speaker 1 She wants to see if you're going to pay. Yeah.
But, like, you don't care if a guy goes, hey, we'll go to Ruth's Chris. I mean, you don't need anything fancy.

Speaker 1 What if a guy says on your first date,

Speaker 1 can we go to...

Speaker 1 What if a guy says, can we go on the first date to like Chili's or TJ Friday's or like a chain restaurant?

Speaker 2 That's fine.

Speaker 1 It's fine. Yeah.
What if he says, can we go to fast food? What if he says, can we do Wendy's? Because I don't have a lot of money right now.

Speaker 1 Or Burger King.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 the idea of dating is so weird to me, I can't even fathom it. But if I was like, if I met somebody I really liked and he's like, let's go to Burger King, I'd be like, all right.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Oh, that's so sweet.
You're so fucking nice.

Speaker 1 What would you say? If a girl was like, can you take me to Burger King? I go, do we still smash? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, because, you know, as a guy, you go, you know, because I've been on dates and stuff, right? She goes, I want a whopper in me before you put your junior whopper in me.

Speaker 1 You know, you go, I have to take this girl to a fancy restaurant. You just assume that.
Yeah. Right? So, you know, I've been taking girls to Damien, Bestia.
Why are you doing that?

Speaker 1 I just think that

Speaker 1 that's what they want. No, it's not what they want.
I know that.

Speaker 1 I know. I spent thousands of dollars knowing I found that out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I found that out.

Speaker 2 But you also like to eat at those places.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he'd rather go alone and not pay for two people. Yeah.
And you're paying for, are they having like wine or drinks ever? I mean, I had one that's because it'd make you mad. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 So I went on a date with this girl and picked her a nice place. And then a week later, let's hang out again.
And when I picked her up, she had her friend.

Speaker 1 Right. She had her friend and she goes,

Speaker 1 what nice place are we going to?

Speaker 1 And I had already made a reservation. And during dinner, I realized, you know what I mean, they're poor girls.
Yeah, they're playing you. They're playing me.
And it really hurt me. That's fucked up.

Speaker 1 Did you, you ate the meal, though, didn't you? You took them out, didn't you? I did. Yeah.
You're too nice. That's you're a nice guy.
That sucks. I've taken them out every night since then.

Speaker 1 No, it broke my house. It's like, and when I dropped them off, I knew I would never see them again.
You know what would be awesome, though?

Speaker 1 If you would have ate your meal and then be like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And then you just left them there.

Speaker 1 That's revenge. They fucked you out of it.
They basically manipulated you into a meat. Or you pay for your half.
Yeah, you pay for your half half. And then you leave.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then the waiter goes, hey, so he paid for his half, but

Speaker 1 yeah, you guys have to pay for your fucking half. No, I'm not mean.

Speaker 1 Just do it. No, but it's mean.
I'm the sucker. It's mean.
I'm the sucker. It's mean of her to bring her friend with me.
Yeah, but I didn't know that. You know, who could.

Speaker 1 No, that's fucking mean. Yeah, that's mean.
What's okay, give us, let's be honest, no jokes. What's real red flags that guys do for you? What's actually red flags? Like, what's your ick?

Speaker 1 What's the ick that guys do that? You're like, fuck, that's gross. I hate when guys are that.

Speaker 2 Well, like, really, I don't know if this is one, but like, it doesn't have a car. It would be really hard for me.

Speaker 1 That's a red flag no car red flag really yeah because like or like fucking LA yeah it's just no I know dudes that are rich and don't have a car yeah okay but that's in New York yeah but also she's saying

Speaker 1 the guy in LA she's referring to that doesn't have a car it's not rich right what if he owns a house owns a house and doesn't have a car yeah

Speaker 1 this guy's upside down yeah but what if he doesn't have the motor skills oh oh oh oh I have carpal tunnel

Speaker 1 oh that's different what is wrong yeah is that what your hands yeah yeah I have carpal tunnel and I have spinal bifida beneath the knees. Do they have that? It doesn't mean anything.

Speaker 1 I've seen a guy that drives with his mouth. Oh, I've seen that.
There's a guy who hits the thing. Yeah, he stares with his mouth.
I've seen that. I've seen that.
Okay, so that's not a thing.

Speaker 1 If he really wants to drive, he'll drive. That's right.
So no car red flag. What else?

Speaker 1 What if he says something like the best movie ever made is Fast and the Furious Part 4? Well, five, really, but yeah, yeah. I understand.

Speaker 1 Like any other fast, like the greatest, better than best cinematic film ever made. Ever made.

Speaker 2 I'd hear them out.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Yeah, you have to.

Speaker 2 It's more like

Speaker 2 if someone is mean to people,

Speaker 2 you know, or like littering.

Speaker 1 Littering. You don't like littering? Litterbug.
Nobody likes littering. What are you Native American?

Speaker 1 They hate it. She is one-eighth.
Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 That's that part.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Littering, and what was the other one you just said?

Speaker 2 If somebody is like mean to other people,

Speaker 2 I really don't like it.

Speaker 1 Like rude to customers. Yeah, like rude.
What What if a guy spits a lot outside?

Speaker 2 I don't really like the spitters.

Speaker 1 She doesn't like spitting. No spitters.
No spitters.

Speaker 1 What about gleekers?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't like it.

Speaker 1 You can't help it. Every time he opens his mouth, a little squirt comes out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not into it.

Speaker 1 He can't control it. That's fine.

Speaker 1 What are your red flags? This is a better one. What are your red flags?

Speaker 2 Things that I do bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a trend on the internet now.
They ask people, okay, those are the red flags because everyone has these high standards of people that are around them. What about you?

Speaker 1 What are you you standing? I want to think.

Speaker 1 I want to play. I want to play.
You will do. One second, baby.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm pretty selfish with my time. Okay.
I'm like, very career-oriented, so that always comes first.

Speaker 1 Okay, what else?

Speaker 1 I'm not sure. You're perfect in any other way.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty much ready. Yeah, I'm narcissistic.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think of

Speaker 2 things like I wouldn't like.

Speaker 1 Well, what has any other ex you've ever seen?

Speaker 2 Oh, here's one that's I'm really particular about time. Like, if you're like 10 minutes late, I'm like really upset by it.

Speaker 1 You overreact to

Speaker 2 I really overreact to it.

Speaker 1 Like, in what way?

Speaker 2 So, like, I think I have like control issues, maybe.

Speaker 1 Right up. Oh, right, right.
Yeah. Because we only see this aspect.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 in a way, we're your boss.

Speaker 2 Do you feel that? Yeah, I feel like I'm giving you like...

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're giving us our best, you know, the best Jesse.

Speaker 2 My weakness is the same.

Speaker 1 I want to see the on the road. I want to see the other side.
You're gonna. Yeah, I want to see, you know, I want to see random queefs.

Speaker 1 Don't take over.

Speaker 1 Just a random one. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I want to see stuff, you know what I mean? And go, ugh.

Speaker 1 You want to be grossed out by her. Not grossed out.
I just want to see some of your character defects. Okay, what are yours? What are your red flags? 12 hours of video games.
Huge red flags. Right?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's massive. No movement.

Speaker 1 You mean a lack of exercise? No movement. Yeah.
No. That's what I meant.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Just

Speaker 1 that's it. Yeah, that's what I do.
Video game car, house, video game car.

Speaker 1 I do things. Oh, the way I clean the cat litters wrong.

Speaker 1 You know what I do? No. I just put more litter on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's not good. And then I pilot to the point where there's a mound.
And now the cats are like,

Speaker 1 they're freaking the fuck out.

Speaker 1 They slip. They don't like it.
You make them play King of the Hill of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They have to get up a hill of poop. Yeah.
And then what I do is this.

Speaker 1 Instead of clearing it up, I'll go buy more cat boxes.

Speaker 1 So there's like 15 of them.

Speaker 1 And they're all mounds. And I'll get a new one and put the thing in.
And then, so, yeah, it's that's a that's what else. Is that a red flag? Massive.
It is. Yeah, for some people.

Speaker 1 You know, that's why I'm taking a year off celibacy. You're taking a year with

Speaker 1 celibacy because I just need to find my way.

Speaker 1 Do you want to get rid of some of these red flags? You know what I mean? And, you know, I used to do yoga. Yeah.
Yeah. And now.
Why don't you do it again? I'm going to do it. I'm going to yoga.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get a haircut.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to get abs.

Speaker 1 Do we want to make a monetary bet on this? Oh, yeah. That you won't get abs?

Speaker 1 What do you mean by abs?

Speaker 1 Exactly. Abdominal muscles that show with definition.
Four pack.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll give you a two pack. He's not getting four.
That's insane. Two pack.
Does two pack count? One puck. Two pack.

Speaker 1 One pack.

Speaker 1 Oh, one muscle? I want to show any definition. You're not showing shit.
Oh, I'm going to. Okay.
Yeah. So what's my time? $1,000.
What's up my timeline? You tell me your timeline. A year?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so what's the date now? That's plenty of time.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it in three weeks. Never going to tell you that.
Watch. I'm going to do it in three weeks.
We're on the road for a month. Okay, after.
And then another month. Yeah, after the tour.

Speaker 1 And then you're going on vacation. Yeah, I'm going to take a break.

Speaker 1 And after the break.

Speaker 1 That's six months after the break. By that time, you'll have three months left.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the video game championships come up.
Oh, yeah, I got to do that.

Speaker 1 You don't realize this, though. This is what people don't realize, right?

Speaker 1 When I was 37 years old, I got a trainer,

Speaker 1 right? And for a year, I lost 20 pounds, and I was kind of ripped. Okay.
And then when I got in a relationship, I started...

Speaker 1 Yep. Yeah, yeah.
And I think I'm going to do it again. You're going to do it again.
I think I'm 51, so I go, you know, I have one last shot, I think. I'm 52 this year.
Yeah, I have one last shot.

Speaker 1 Well, let's get you a trainer. I'm down.
Yeah. Should we have a fun? Should we hire a trainer to get with us on the bus on the road to make us do bus workouts? We've spent enough money.

Speaker 1 It's been excellent. I've ever learned.
It's pretty insane. Yeah, it's pretty insane.
Be our trainer, please. You want me to train you guys? Can I say one last thing about you, too?

Speaker 1 I just, and don't make, don't be offended. Okay.

Speaker 1 What? I'm not going to say, okay. I just a little bit offended.
Well, whenever somebody says, don't be offended. I know, now I'm bracing myself.
Brace yourself. No, I'm just...
Casually talking. Okay.

Speaker 1 That's a friend. You're right.
As your boss, you're right. Maybe a little tan? Oh, my God.
Tan? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you think? Well, I usually. Do you want her to get tan? Let's see what happens.
Wait, why do you care if she's tan? Look at how fucking white I am. I know.

Speaker 1 I don't think you can.

Speaker 1 I don't think you can get a tan. I can get sun-kissed.

Speaker 2 It's been raining non-stop here. You're right.

Speaker 1 In the summer, I'm saying. It's not my fault.
No, I'm not joking. You're perfect.

Speaker 2 If I was a little more tan.

Speaker 1 You just have a vampire. Vampire.
Big vampire. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're the one to talk.

Speaker 2 Will you go to the tanning bed with me?

Speaker 1 No, the Tulsa. Wait, can we just during my vacation? I'm being real.
When I go on my vacation, I want to do a month in Tulum. Okay.
Are you going to come?

Speaker 1 Well, let's not tell people where we're going to fucking go.

Speaker 1 We're not going to Tulum. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, we're going to Tulum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to go somewhere else. We'll go to Fiji.
Somewhere. Well, we're ruining all these spots.
We can't go to any other.

Speaker 1 I want to go to a place where I can drink pineapple juice and lay down, do my ab work.

Speaker 1 I'll do my ab work. You know, it's so funny.
You're smiling. You don't think I'm going to do it?

Speaker 1 Everyone's smiling, and you don't think I'm going to fucking. Why are you smiling? That's fucking rude.
Dude, dude, fuck you, man. Dude, dude, what?

Speaker 1 Show your stomach right now on camera just so we can see it.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's actually not as big as I thought it was going to be.

Speaker 1 But stop sucking it in. Now put it out.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You should have seen my back when I did that.
My back.

Speaker 1 My back loaded.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That was tough.

Speaker 1 I had to change internal organs. I heard your body going.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was holding on for dear life. That was tough.
Okay, we're going to document it. Yeah, I want to do it because I want to live for a long time.
I want you to live forever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to live for a long time.

Speaker 1 You guys are known to live a long time, aren't you? Who's you guys? You people. In Okinawa, they do.

Speaker 1 What's a funny one? Okay.

Speaker 1 What is that? In South Korea, 83 years. Is that good? Wait, we've got to be almost the same in the United States.
Japan more. Japan, 84.
Yeah, you better believe it. 83 years.
Who's the lowest?

Speaker 1 That's average, right? Longest life expectancy. Who is it? Longest life expectancy.
Let's guess real fast.

Speaker 1 I say Sweden. I was just going to guess that.
It's got to be a Nordic country. No, no.
Greece, Turkey, something like that. No.
Mediterranean. No.

Speaker 1 What is it? Japan and Singapore. Yeah.
That kind of makes me sad.

Speaker 1 85 years. Like the reason why in Japan, you know why, right?

Speaker 1 Why in Japan? Yeah. Because they blur the porn.
They don't get

Speaker 1 by a bad porn.

Speaker 1 Why? Why do Japanese live so long? Especially in, I only know in Okinawa, is because they have communal living.

Speaker 1 So they live in villages, right? So if a baby, you know what I mean, a kid is lost,

Speaker 1 the whole neighborhood takes, you know, it's the whole neighborhood, they take care of each other, right? It's also a lot of fishing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it says low rate of obesity, low consumption of red meat, high consumption of fish and plants. Yeah.
Soybeans and tea. But soy is not great for you.

Speaker 1 Particularly as a man, soy is not good for you because it has a lot of

Speaker 1 estrogen. But soy processed or just soy in general? Well, soy processed.
That's what we eat here in the States. Yeah, just get the bean.

Speaker 1 But, you know, just the bean is not what people do. That's the way I do.
Japan's Okinawan Island, nicknamed the Island of Longevity. Locals refuse to die.

Speaker 1 Residents suffer from low levels of heart disease, cancer, dementia.

Speaker 1 And Okinawan's robust social life and strong sense of ikagi, a unique purpose in life, often keeps them alive and healthy past the age of 100. Ikagi.
Ikagi. It means when you have something to do.

Speaker 1 This is why I think. Like they have the best denim.
Japanese denim is the best denim. No, Okinawa denim.
It's Okinawan denim? Yeah. Okinawan denim?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I go to South Edge and they get all the Okinawa. Denim is the best place.
If you're ever in San Francisco, New York, or LA, the best place to get denim is South Edge.

Speaker 1 But it's so, it's so like it's cool. It's so strong.
You got to wear it in. Look at these.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, man.
How long did it take you? 36 years.

Speaker 1 But it's like you don't wash them and they look dope, dude. Yeah, they do look dope.
I get it. Yeah, yeah.
Are those sakanis? I didn't know you liked soccanees. I like saccanes a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those are really nice.

Speaker 1 When we were kids, we always used to say sakani.

Speaker 1 Okay, so on the road, we're gonna document some of this. I'm gonna bring stuff to work out because I want to work out on the road because you know I like working out.

Speaker 1 And you know who we're gonna have documented? We have somebody. Makone.
Makone, come in here, Makon, and come sit in the chair. There he is.
This is our news. My boy right there.

Speaker 1 This is our new little filthy, dirty, repulsive skank. Yeah, yeah.
He's a little skank slut whore. Look at him, little.
Can I say something about this guy? Remember when we met

Speaker 1 at the store?

Speaker 1 You got to put the mic near your mouth, Rudy. Yeah, yeah.
It's like the old days. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Put it near there. Where did you guys meet again? At the comedy store, at the comedy store.
I knew you. Okay.

Speaker 1 And usually when people come up to me at the comedy store, I'm a little defensive. I'm nice.
Yeah. Right? But there was something about this guy, I'm like,

Speaker 1 what do you think it was? He's got that 70s hand. He was confident.
Drug dealer vibe. He was confident, and he talked.
I think you opened up with movies and film. What did you open open up with?

Speaker 1 Because we had actually talked once before then.

Speaker 1 He would not hear it. And you told me about Let the Right One in.
Let the Right One in.

Speaker 1 That's how you opened? Yeah, so we started talking about that. And then we started talking about Dermer.
Dermer,

Speaker 1 my good friend,

Speaker 1 our good boy, Brandon Dermer. One of the greatest of all time.
Yeah, because

Speaker 1 before I, when I was still in college, like in 2020 during the pandemic, I was back in Minnesota, and I heard Dermer on an episode of Tiger Belly, and he had gone to the same college that I did, Columbia, Chicago.

Speaker 1 So then, you know, y'all were talking about how just like approachable he was. So then I reached out to Dermer, and then he

Speaker 1 put me on when I got out here. And then, yeah, eventually through that, you know, we're all full circle back.
That guy fell face first into luck. He's incredible.
He's a lifesaver.

Speaker 1 Some people are a lifesaver. Some people are like that.
Well, you know what it is also helps? I don't think it's not a coincidence. He's a handsome-looking kid.
He's got ice blue eyes.

Speaker 1 Look at ice eyes is what I call him. That's Corky Ice Eyes.
You know, Corky from Facts Life, remember Corky? Oh, yeah. You got with Down syndrome? Yeah, yeah.
That's him, Corky Ice Eyes. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 His name on my phone is Corky Eyes Eyes. Yeah.
Also, when you have a kid that has Down syndrome, don't name him Corky. Don't.

Speaker 1 It just doesn't sound right. Why? Give him a strong name.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with Corky?

Speaker 2 What's better?

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? What's better? What are you associated with? Jackson.
Oh, Jackson. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, McCone's going to come with us.

Speaker 1 He's like, McCone, are you in a relationship? No. Wow.
Single, ready to go. So you and this guy's going to tear it up, Carlos? Oh, no.
Right. Don't even bring any by my way.
I'm in celibacy.

Speaker 1 Did you hear that? Yeah. Not one.
It's all yours, guys. And by the way, it's all yours.
If you see him flirting with someone, that he kind of started

Speaker 1 cockblock him real bad. Yeah, we'll shut that down.
You'll see. You're going to see a completely different human being.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 a date coming to Vancouver. Okay, good.
Do you really? Yeah. Are you excited for that? A little bit.
Yeah, she seems cool.

Speaker 1 Why are you saying it?

Speaker 1 My friends get joy. What What if she's beautiful? It's probably is.
And what if she's kind of into you? No, she won't be. Listen, the kind of get, I mean, I've seen the girls he's been with.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bright war. It's not my level.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 He's above you? He's out of your league. Is what you're saying is he's out of he bad.
No, I do. We just we play in two different teams, games.
What are yours? My game is like I'm very.

Speaker 1 Very pure shirts, he skins. Yeah, yeah.
I'm very picky, right? But I've seen you.

Speaker 1 That was a shock, by the way.

Speaker 1 Him saying picky means like you, you're cool with some

Speaker 1 couple that I'm looking at. That's so fucking crazy.
That's not what I meant. If you say I'm picky, he's not really.
That means he's okay with trash sometimes. That's what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Isn't that right? He's willing to explore further in the forest.

Speaker 1 That's probably true. That's what I'm saying.
That's true. A couple of beasties.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Further in the dark.

Speaker 1 And you're dicky.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And how long have you been in LA?

Speaker 1 Just over two years. An hour and a half.

Speaker 1 Has it been rough or has it been... I don't know.

Speaker 1 i came in during a really weird time because it was like january 2021 so it was like the height of the pandy and everything so there was like it was like like nothing there was no bars nothing was open so i just kind of like started my internship working on sets and there was nothing else to do so i really just had to focus on work and finishing the last semester of school and then i how old are you now i'm 23.

Speaker 1 okay wow that's when i started stand-up me too at 23 22 23 yeah my god and he's way ahead of where we were back then yeah and you're not intimidated by us, I don't feel.

Speaker 1 I'm terrified, yeah, he is really. He's just he just hides it really well.
Wow, you know, he doesn't grow that mustache for nothing. It's interesting.
Do you remember, Bobby, when we were talking?

Speaker 1 You were like, I was like stumbling over my words, and you were like, Here, like, hold on,

Speaker 1 stutter.

Speaker 1 Look at this guy, he's from the south or whatever, he has a stutter. But no, you were like, slow down, like, let's we'll grab a seat.
Oh, let's run away, run away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because but you were like, um, you couldn't catch your words, yeah.

Speaker 1 You just brendan turban, you know what baby i came out here film you know man i'm like relax sit down right and then you you got in the pocket but now you're here now you're here look at it cold as ice baby smooth

Speaker 1 why are you grabbing your wrist like that that's what what happens when you get nervous i don't know i kind of have to go to the bathroom too but i don't actually yeah he does have to go do you know the hand thing what is that

Speaker 1 I read on an article about when people, you know, there's certain hand gestures they do that dominate the room.

Speaker 1 And Elon Musk and other powerful people, they do this with their hands when they talk to people, really? Yeah, and this is supposed to like do something.

Speaker 1 Shut up, what is it?

Speaker 2 I mean, I do feel more powerful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, look at this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, try it.

Speaker 1 That's the Illuminati. This shit, I see that you see this a lot.
Yeah, politicians do that.

Speaker 2 That's what Mr. Burns does.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 this is something. Anyway, just start doing that.
No, but that's got to be. Have you seen this one? What?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do this.
Here you go. Here you go.
Here you go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 1 Never seen this one.

Speaker 1 Rad.

Speaker 1 This is a crazy one. Never did that.
You never did that when you were kids. Don't ever want to do it again.
You're a fan. Check out this one.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 2 You guys are placating me.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Is that what it's going to be? It is cool.

Speaker 1 The whole time.

Speaker 2 You've never seen anything like this.

Speaker 1 You're young. All right, so here's a couple of rules that we're going to go over for the tour bus when we're on tour.
I'm going to say it again, no pooping.

Speaker 1 We get it. I'm going to say it again, no pooping.

Speaker 1 Another rule: whoever does the worst on stage that night has to drive the bus.

Speaker 1 Because we don't have a bus driver. We lost.
You want me to drive the bus?

Speaker 2 Is it the three of us, or is it everybody will be on stage, right?

Speaker 1 On stage? Yeah. Will just be me, you, him, and Carlos will be roaming with us.
It's going to be like Leonard Skynerd if I drive.

Speaker 1 We are going to Mississippi, I think. Let's not talk about that.
No, no, no, yeah, no, no, no. We don't.
We're going to have to drive. We're We're going to be good.
We're not going to have you drive.

Speaker 1 I'm going to let an Asian woman drive the bus across the country. Hey, yo.
All right, listen. I'm happy to go on tour.
We're going to so many cities.

Speaker 1 You better pack the seats when we come out, particularly Oklahoma City. We're coming to see you guys.
St. Louis, Louisville,

Speaker 1 Fairfield, Virginia, Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina,

Speaker 1 Charlotte.

Speaker 1 All of Florida, all over Texas. You guys show up, show out, go to badfriendspod.com and see us.
And at the same time, we're all going to say how we end the show. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.