Tito Cheeto is Back!

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Welcome back from Australia, Santino. Who are you? Andrew Santino is back.
I haven't seen you so long. I haven't seen you

Speaker 1 in so long. I'm Andrew James Santino.
That's your middle name? Andrew James Santino. Oh.
You've known me for 12 years. The guy doesn't know my fucking middle name.
What's my middle name? Gong.

Speaker 1 See, that's what I'm saying. Well, it's not Gong.
No, it's not. Yeah, yeah.
It's Robert.

Speaker 1 I do know what it is. It's

Speaker 1 Robert Raman Lee. Is it Robert Raman Lee? No, Udon.
Udon. Robert Udon Lee.
Udon Lee, dude.

Speaker 1 And we have in the studio with us today.

Speaker 1 Sick dog, one of my favorite people who's in the studio. Ryan Sickler's here today.
Clap right now. Ryan Slickler.
Back pain sickler. Back pain sickler.
Back pain sickler.

Speaker 1 Wait, what is your middle name, bro? Scott. Scott.
Scott. I love it.
White name. Whiteberry.
Scott.

Speaker 1 my middle name is young young no y-o-un-g like i'm young and old young robert young

Speaker 1 lee robert young lee dude do you know how you're after robert e-lee he is

Speaker 1 robert redford man you're you're a direct descendant of robert no my dad loved robert redford and steven um steve mcqueen uh-huh and my brother steve mcqueen and i'm robert redford are you really yeah what color is robert redford's hair Your hair.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever met Robert Redford?

Speaker 1 No. Is he still alive? He's still alive, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I went to Sundance.

Speaker 2 This is in the late 90s. You're going to like this.

Speaker 1 Sundance is his. That's his special special.

Speaker 2 And I go up to my friend Tracy to see her brother's film, and we go out to one, you know, it's not all in one location. So we go out to this one remote area to see this film.

Speaker 2 There's a few of them there, and Robert Redford's there, right? And these people are asking him for his autograph.

Speaker 2 And he's just saying, no, I'm not going to give autographs, but I'll give you tickets to any show you want to see. And this guy comes up to him and is like, hey, can I get your autograph?

Speaker 2 He's like, again, I'm not giving autographs, but I'll give you tickets to any show you want to see. And he goes, Well, you dropped your credit card, and I got it.

Speaker 2 And on the back of that credit card is your signature. And I really want your autograph.
He's like, I'm not going to give you my autograph. I'll just give you a ticket.

Speaker 2 He's like, I'm going to keep your credit card.

Speaker 1 And he's like, Okay.

Speaker 1 He kept Robert Refford's credit card. He had to go cancel that.
No, really?

Speaker 1 That's he refused? Yeah, I like that guy. That's who, which, which, how smart is that? I like the guy that kept the card.
Yeah, I like that guy.

Speaker 1 I never thought I'd like, oh, yeah, you're, I don't sign to back do you sign to back your credit card i've never even signed i don't never sign anything robbery credit cards are what signing is

Speaker 1 i don't know what where would you sign in the front where the numbers are yeah you sign right over the numbers oh i don't know right on top with one of those sharpies yeah sharpie yeah that's what i'll do beely on the front

Speaker 1 dude i saw first of all welcome back from australia all right first of all say it listen when you were gone you missed me held down you missed me i thought

Speaker 1 say you missed you i missed you i love you and you're my friend i missed you you look like you lost some weight i have not even been eating. I know.
You look like you lost some weight. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Stop with the hand up at me. What? I'm back.
Look what I'm going. Smile at me.
Spock it, dude. I'm spocking you.
Spock it up. Okay.
Don't spock me. So I fucking did an all-Korean episode.
Loved it.

Speaker 1 I did it an all-Mexican episode. Loved it.
I did a bunch of shit. You're no longer allowed to do movies.
Okay. It's enough.
I did Borderlands. I was gone for two months, right?

Speaker 1 You did this one with Efron, right? No more movies. Efron and John Cena.
Okay. And I just got offered another movie today.
No. Yeah.
Just got offered another one. Are you going to say yeah?

Speaker 1 Well, let me tell you who's in it.

Speaker 1 Brad Pitt. Oh, my fucking God.
George Clooney.

Speaker 1 You ready for the last one?

Speaker 1 You ready? Margot Robbie.

Speaker 1 And me. Wow.
Those three and me. You're the valet in the movie.

Speaker 1 Can I have your keys? First of all, the line is: are the keys in the car? No. How many lines is that? Is the car still running? I don't know the line.
No, that was not a movie. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But the look in his eyes, dude, it's just for that. For the moment of him panicking.

Speaker 1 No, I want you to work, dude. I'm just saying that, like, panicking, like, because that movie's going to be shot in New Zealand and then I have to do five more without you.
I know.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing that. I'm back, baby.
I'm back, and we're going on tour.

Speaker 1 And who hasn't promoted the tour? You.

Speaker 1 God, it's insane. Hello.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We're doing

Speaker 1 30 some odd cities.

Speaker 2 I called you and I told you there's an over-under in comedy right now on how many cities you all actually make in 14

Speaker 1 We're going to all of them. We're going to all of them and the first one is going to be Vancouver this week.
And then we go to Oklahoma City. Then we do St.
Louis, Kansas City.

Speaker 1 I mean, we're everywhere. We're everywhere, man.
You got to go. You got to come see it.
You got to come.

Speaker 1 We got such a great show plan, and we're on a bus, and I can't wait to be on the bus with my boy.

Speaker 1 But let me tell you about some of my experiences in Australia real quick because I had such a fun time and I want to fill you in. Did I eat kangaroo with John Cena and drink Guinness?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you better believe it. You better believe it.
Kangaroo? I eat kangaroo. What part of a kangaroo? Is that like deer? It tastes dude, exactly.
It's all muscle. It's gamey.
It's super gamey.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. But honestly, you never eat animals that hop.
You never eat animals that hop. Yeah, that's a Korean proverb.
That's why you don't eat frogs and shit.

Speaker 1 Bunnies? What about rabbits? What about rabbits? We don't eat rabbits, dude. They hop.
There's a Korean song, Santoki. It's about the fucking rabbit.
This is real? Yeah, Santoki Toki.

Speaker 1 I I mean, it's about the fucking rabbit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 In fact, in fact, let me see. This is a fucking truth, right? During the Korean War, the North, the communists, they wouldn't get shot if they hopped.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. All you have to do is hop, and the other Koreans would be like, no, don't show, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 So it's a whole fucking thing, right? What's so funny? Don't eat things that hop. You don't eat things that hop.
So don't eat what else hops? Rabbits, kangaroos. Rabbits.
Rabbits.

Speaker 1 Frogs. Cats.
Cats. Cats kind of hop.
Gay people?

Speaker 1 Gay people. They hop.
You can't eat them either. You can't eat them, right?

Speaker 1 What else hops?

Speaker 1 Oh, somebody with one leg? Yeah, he's hopping. He's hopping for sure.
You know, he's hopping. Yeah, he's hoping.
I guess that's a good Korean proverb. It's a great one.

Speaker 1 But yes, I did have kangaroo, and it was very, very good. I liked it.
A lot of people don't like it, but I liked it. Do you eat quality too, you fucking bastard?

Speaker 1 First of all, all, dude, let me inform you, guy who's uninformed. At first, I thought, should I feel bad about eating this? I looked it up.
Statistics. Three to one.

Speaker 1 Three to one kangaroo to people in Australia. They can't wait to get rid of those fucking things.

Speaker 1 You know when you're like, I can't wait to see one? Then you see 40,000. You're like, fuck these things.
Get them out of here. No, really? They're everywhere.
You got to be kidding me.

Speaker 1 They're everywhere, dude. So they're like cats?

Speaker 1 Where? Where are cats all of? What are you talking about? You know, those islands where like... Dude, see what world he lives in? No, I saw a documentary where there there's an island.
Cat Island?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 like in Japan or whatever. Is there such a thing as Cat Island, Carlos?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's an island in a Japanese island. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's because the Japanese did that because they like cute shit. I don't know, man.
Island of Akiti. They love that.

Speaker 1 They made that.

Speaker 1 That was everybody. They put them on island and coffee shop.

Speaker 1 They charge people. You know what I mean? They have one here in LA.
No, that's a cat cafe. That's a

Speaker 1 cafe. Yeah, yeah.
That's cat.

Speaker 1 Have you paid? I paid.

Speaker 1 What in LA? Your house is L.A. I have three cafes.

Speaker 1 But I still paid to go to that little. That's so stupid.
That's so dumb. The coffee's great.
Isn't that good?

Speaker 1 No, in Australia, they're all over the place.

Speaker 1 And I went to go see a Tasmanian devil. And by the way, I learned why they call them Tasmanian devils.
They're ugly as shit, these fucking things. They're so ugly.

Speaker 1 But when the English people came down there to pick out where they were going to drop off their prisoners, because it was in Tasmania, at Port Arthur, which is the biggest, the first penal colony.

Speaker 1 By the way, the British, how stupid are these people? They want to dump off their criminals in a place that's supposed to be like treacherous and around the world.

Speaker 1 Tasmania, one of the prettiest fucking places I've ever seen. Wow.
Great weather down there. So the Brits are in shitty, rain, gloomy weather, and they're like, I don't take you to fucking prisons.

Speaker 1 And they left them on a beautiful island. It's stunning.
It's so pretty. But when you drop off prisoners on an island,

Speaker 1 what do you do? To the prisoners? No, what do the prisoners do? Party.

Speaker 1 They party. It was open-air prisons, by the way.
So it was just like

Speaker 1 Coachella. It was Coachella.
It was Coachella. Yeah, yeah.
It was basically Coachella. Coachella.
You know what I mean? That's what it was. But then, do they build houses and stuff? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they built a life down there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And now it's a fully functioning society.
That's incredible. No, but the Tasmanian devil is called that because when the Brits came down there,

Speaker 1 when they're young,

Speaker 1 I mean... Not just when they're young, but when they're in breeding, when they're inbreeding, they make this noise.
It's unmistakable. It's so creepy.
You hear it. It's like

Speaker 1 it's so weird. Whoa.
And they do this heavily at night, too, when they're breeding. So the British came at night on boats and they would go onto this fucking wooded island, and all they heard was

Speaker 1 echoing in the woods. And so scared.
Well, dude, they thought it was ghosts and witches, and they were like, it's ghosts and evil spirits.

Speaker 1 So that's why they were like, put the fucking criminals with the ghosts and the evil spirits. They're these little tiny bullshit animals.

Speaker 1 They're little tiny. Yeah.
Although they will fuck you up. They can bite.
So you saw one. Yeah.
I saw a guy. I saw a guy,

Speaker 1 he fed one of the handlers, like fed it, you know, like roadkill, and he fed it in front of everyone. And he said, the jaw is so strong it can break through human bone.

Speaker 2 Okay, I was going to ask you, raccoon or Tasmanian, but now I know Tasmanian Devil. Honey Badger.

Speaker 1 Honey Badger, right? That's what would be, what would win? Honey Badger for Tasmanian Devil. If the Tasmanian got the call, if it got its mouth on, no, no, Honey Badger.
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If the Tasmanian got its mouth on, Tasmanian can't kill snake.

Speaker 1 That's another Korean folk proverb. Sing that song.

Speaker 1 That song is a proverb. Sing the song.
All right. Tasmania can't kill No, no,

Speaker 1 do it in Korean.

Speaker 1 I only know the English version.

Speaker 1 I only know the English version, right? Chungle nocho snake with a broken accent. That's the thing.
He does the English version with the broken accent.

Speaker 1 Frank Sinatra did a fucking English version of it. Oh, he did? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Tasmania, don't eat snake. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is Frank Sinatra one of the best I've ever heard? Ever.

Speaker 1 It was fucking terrible. Baby Blue Eye.
Yeah, baby blue eyes. Yeah, it was terrible.
I tried that. No, but they're tiny, but they're little vicious assholes.

Speaker 1 But I'm telling you, the jaw, the strength of them is insane. He can look it up.

Speaker 1 They can literally break through your femur. They could bite and crack your leg in half.

Speaker 1 So can you have one as a pet? You would never.

Speaker 1 Why? Why?

Speaker 1 Can you have an alligator as a pet? But you know what? Yeah. You would never, though.
But that's what I'm saying. You could have any guy as a alligator.
But can I say something about one?

Speaker 1 Can I say something about that? If you live in Dubai. No, no, no.
How about that?

Speaker 1 If you're one of those guys where they have fucking tigers that roam around their castle, I'm going to say something controversial. Give it.
But Tasmanian is a living species, right?

Speaker 1 Right? And so they might have the same ailments that some human beings have. Like diabetes?

Speaker 1 Worse. What? Like AIDS? No, like, you know, spinal bifida.
Oh, they got their spiny bifida. Yeah.
A little spiny bid. The Tasmanian Devil had spinal bifida and muscular dystrophy.

Speaker 1 Oh, so the Tasmanian muscular dystrophy. Yeah.
And so it's not as wild. Right.
Its back hurts like Ryan, you know? It's more docile.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's more docile. And maybe blind to one eye.
You know what I mean? You could probably have one of those. A

Speaker 1 blind Tasmanian devil with muscular dystrophy. Yeah,

Speaker 1 not one that's fully like, you know what I mean, functioning.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Carlos, see if you can Google one of those for the tour bus. See if we can get one of those things on the bus while we're traveling.
Have you been on a bus before?

Speaker 2 I have on Segora's bus.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 You know, his bus is nice for sure. It's not going to be like our don't, whatever you got on his bus ain't going to be like that with our bus, buddy.
Really? We have to get it.

Speaker 1 You know how, like, a propeller plane, you have to get the thing going? We have to push the bus to get it to roll the start.

Speaker 1 And we got a discount bus, dude. We got an old-school bus.
It's a kickstart. You literally have to just get that, get it, get that, get that, get that, that, that, that.

Speaker 1 Is there no floor, and we have to do like the flintstones?

Speaker 1 How nice was Seguro's tour bus?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 1 So nice. It's, it's, yeah.
It's nice. And then, like,

Speaker 1 his security guy, both of them.

Speaker 1 The one from Austin, you mean, with the shaved head and the goatee? Hey, another thing. Don't forget, we have no security on our bus.
Oh, we don't? No, we have that little security.

Speaker 1 It's fucking Carla. We have the emo guy.
Who?

Speaker 1 Brendan Dermer's friend. McCone.
McCone, yeah. Well, he's not a security.
McConnell. He weighs like 100 fucking pounds.
My God.

Speaker 1 Right? You're going to do security too, right? Look at him. It's me and McCone.

Speaker 1 Where I come from, that's called a warning. That guy goes out and says, hey, guys,

Speaker 1 we'd like you to get away. We'd like you to.
Would you? We're going to fuck you up first.

Speaker 1 Listen, guys, I'm not going to have to tell you yet.

Speaker 1 don't let me tell you, Todd. First guy gets fucked up.
What's the food like in Australia?

Speaker 1 Okay, Melbourne. Melbourne, one of the greatest cities on planet Earth.
Okay. I liked Sydney.
It was fun, but Sydney was a city I recognized. Do you know what I mean? Melbourne was so fucking cool.

Speaker 1 So many of you, so many Asians.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No. Same age.

Speaker 1 So many fucking Asians. It was insane.
And so many different kinds of Asian food. It was phenomenal.
Did you get recognized? I did.

Speaker 1 A lot? Enough. Enough for what? Your ego? No, just enough where it was just enough.
It felt good. Well, it was nice because I'm around the world.

Speaker 1 It was nice to be like, whoa, dude, fans here is fucking awesome. I did a couple of shows.
I did two shows, sold them out, 600 seats at Pastebovner. Banga, bang, boom, bang, bang, bang.
Pretty good.

Speaker 1 It was fucking fun. I did get recognized once in a while.
The coolest thing to be recognized was by restaurateurs, when a chef would come out because you came into the restaurant.

Speaker 1 That was way cooler because it was like, Mrs. Antino, we're happy that you're in the restaurant.
Can we, you know, get you some stuff? And and i'm like yeah you can give me some stuff

Speaker 1 he's so gross no you man it was so fun you know what you said no i wasn't recognized i went to mcdonald's i didn't listen to you why would i go to mcdonald's in

Speaker 1 no that's true but you know no i had a great time and the food was so good so many different kinds of like asian fusion which is nice because i know you guys up in the you know up there you guys don't talk to each other but down there man they all get along.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Up there. Up there.
We're all the Asian. You mean there's a China heaven and a Korean heaven separated? Tell me there's not.
I'm pretty sure there is.

Speaker 1 You guys are absolutely not going to the same place. I know exactly.
Yeah, you're in your own place. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But we're on different clouds. Yeah, with different crowd.
It's a different crowd for a different cloud.

Speaker 1 I wasn't sure if he said.

Speaker 1 I was confused. I didn't know what he was saying.
I thought he was saying. You thought I said crowd? I thought you were saying crowd.

Speaker 1 I would say cloud.

Speaker 1 A different crowd.

Speaker 1 Where are they? Oh, a different crowd. Crowd 9.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? So you were right.
Maybe there are separations up there. 100% there's a separation, for sure.
Do you think there's a North Korea cloud and a South Korea cloud in heaven?

Speaker 1 Or are we the same cloud? I would argue one of those doesn't get a crowd. See, this is interesting to me.

Speaker 2 I didn't, where I come from, racism was Baltimore, was white and black.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Then I moved to LA and I didn't realize that black people and brown people had a problem with each other. And I was like, this is interesting.

Speaker 1 Isn't that funny to learn?

Speaker 2 And then I learned about the Asian hierarchy from a Japanese guy I worked with.

Speaker 2 And he we used to have, we used to work with this really pretty uh Korean girl, and he was Japanese.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you said pretty. Pretty.
Korean. Uh-huh.
Okay. And

Speaker 2 he would always say, She's a dog. And we're like, what? You don't find her attractive? He's like, no.

Speaker 2 And then he explained to us that Japanese, they feel that they're the premier Asian race and that Koreans are the dogs. And went into this whole hierarchy of racism among the Asians.

Speaker 1 And as a white guy, I was like, I'm just going to sit back and watch this and enjoy this right here. You know, the irony is they all eat dogs.
So that's a strange part.

Speaker 1 She's a dog. She's a dog.
She's a dog. He's just handing out dogs.
You get a dog. You get a dog.

Speaker 1 All right. It's a joke.
Relax, Bob. After the podcast, write his name down for me.

Speaker 1 I still remember it. I hear it's Japanese.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah. In the 1940s, this is them.

Speaker 1 And then just nuclear shadow. Okay?

Speaker 1 Nuclear. Man, I'm so happy to be back.
Yeah, yeah. I'm so happy to be back.

Speaker 1 I love you.

Speaker 1 No, hey, hey, hey, hey, be nice. You guys all like each other.
I love it. There is, dude.

Speaker 1 The levels of hate between Asians, it's not that different race. Yes, it is.
Wow. Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 Because I made the mistake of calling a restaurant another, I went to go to a fusion place and I mistook what it was. And the server gave me the fucking like.
Oh, it's a on the server. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Man, this is some, this might be some of the best, uh, some of the best like Filipino food I think I've ever had. Oh, this is a good crowd.

Speaker 1 I just have to throw it out.

Speaker 1 Thank you, though. Did you say prepare?

Speaker 1 Is this not a Filipino fusion food? I thought that's. No.

Speaker 1 What is this?

Speaker 1 Thai.

Speaker 1 This is Thai. Yeah.
Now, what is the difference?

Speaker 1 Filipino, they put mud in the booth. They put mud in the boot? They put in the mud and rock.
Oh, mud, pie, and rocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they said kind of something similar about

Speaker 1 you guys.

Speaker 1 She was like a little kind of like. That sketch didn't go over well, did it? No.
It was a Thai restaurant. I got that it was a Thai restaurant, but what was the accent? Because I went in for crowd.

Speaker 1 That laughed. The crowd was laughing.
And it threw me off. I know.
Well, you landed the crowd. That got a laugh.
The crowd landed very well.

Speaker 1 No, but the food was phenomenal. The culture was very cool.
It was cool to like see.

Speaker 1 Also, the thing I learned down there, you'll find this interesting.

Speaker 1 Because of, you know, America does this better than anybody, but it was nice to see other people do it. You know how there's a law or a rule, but we'll do something to skirt around it.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? And it's all just accepted. And even the law won't change because even the law is like, it's pretty good.
They found a fucking loophole, you know?

Speaker 1 Like in Chicago, you can't smoke in bars anymore. But if you're a proprietor and you own the building, you can smoke in bars.
In Australia. No, no, in Chicago.

Speaker 1 So like we have these laws. But in Australia, so years and years ago, there was a law against serving alcohol on private establishments after a certain hour of the day.

Speaker 1 And, you know, they used to have all these like strict rules about it. So what they do, what they did was they named these places hotels.
So most things are called hotels, right? Like

Speaker 1 the,

Speaker 1 you know, it'll be like the Lamier Hotel or the Napier Hotel and all this shit. When I first saw it, I was like,

Speaker 1 there's a hotel on every corner. Why? And they're only like a story tall or maybe two.
And they told me that that was the way around it, that

Speaker 1 when they registered it, they registered the bars as hotels. And all they would need was at least one room upstairs for a patron to be able to sleep in.

Speaker 1 So if cops or authority came, they'd go, no, no, no, they're guests of the hotel. They're staying at the hotel.
Oh, wow. So they could privately serve booze.

Speaker 1 So when you go around Melbourne, you'll go to all these little tiny hotels. They're just bars and lounges.

Speaker 1 Can I rent the room or no? You can't.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Just cuz. Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They would give it to someone like me. No,

Speaker 1 you could, though. No, there is some of those places do have rooms, but you wouldn't.

Speaker 1 It'd be like going to

Speaker 1 a bar here in LA and then it'd be like renting a joke space. You wouldn't do it.
You live there. Why would you rent a hotel? But there are actual hotels, real nice hotels that also have nice bars.
So

Speaker 1 it's this weird juxtaposition. But most of the time, the bar is just a bar called a hotel.
But you have to admit, you were bored at some time. Bored? Yeah.
Never, not once.

Speaker 1 You called me and said you were. I called you in constant.

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This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, Andrew, what saved my life in

Speaker 1 three or four years is therapy. Always.
Trauma therapy. I want to always improve my life, and I want to be free from all the baggage that's inside my body.
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Speaker 1 I'm losing my mind. There's nothing to do.
You know what I mean? I was losing my mind a few times. You know what it was? I told Sickler this too.
I was losing my mind because it's so far.

Speaker 1 A couple of days I was getting stoned, taking long, beautiful walks, and it hit me that I'm like

Speaker 1 so fucking far away from home. Oh.
So far. Like a new level of far.
A nine-day boat ride. You know what I mean? Where you're like, this is fucking forever.

Speaker 1 Like, if they're isolated and sad, you probably missed your wife.

Speaker 1 I missed the comforts of home in the weirdest way.

Speaker 1 You know what I really missed? Australia?

Speaker 1 These motherfuckers and their toilets, dude, have the worst toilets.

Speaker 1 The water level in here, you know how we fill that bitch up with water? We fill that bitch up with water. So when you poop, my poop better fall into kabloom.
I better kablum. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Out there, the water line,

Speaker 1 a little baby water line, so you hit the bowl every time you shit. Every time you shit, you leave scrapes.
Shit small then. Huh?

Speaker 1 Shit small. That's your new net.

Speaker 1 By Bobby's network. That's why I do rabbit.
I do a little rabbit palette.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, that's because you need to drink water.
Can you control your chips? Like, can you use your sphincter as a cut? You cut it into little pieces.

Speaker 1 So wait, you put it in. Like it's a pasta cutter.

Speaker 1 That's what you do. Uh-uh.
You cut, you cut, you cut by, you know what I mean, tightening it. Brother.
You can't do that. I do do it.
If you cut, cut, cut. The moment you cut, it's going back up in.

Speaker 1 You got to let that whole flow load in.

Speaker 1 Half of it goes back in, but you're going to cut that other part. You might not get that out, though.
That's right. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 When that other half goes back up, it might just be up in there far enough where it doesn't come back in. Well, that's what you put.

Speaker 1 You put air in your stomach. It's a machine.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 You store a fart in the stomach. Now I got to bring it up.

Speaker 1 Store it out.

Speaker 1 So you cut the poo a lot. And then you use the fart to bring it back out and you cut some more.
You don't guys even know that? Dude, you guys stupid.

Speaker 1 The poop is in line. The poop is like in line to get into a nightclub.
Yeah. Right.
It has to go in. If you don't let in, it's going to go home.
No, but it's going to go home.

Speaker 1 If you turn your shit away, it's going to go, I'm going to go home. I'm not waiting for you.
Let's go to nightclub analogy. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 People are in groups. Us three, right? We're in the nightclub line, right? And then you have three Mexicans.

Speaker 1 Just arbitrary. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They're not going to put all six in, right? They put, you guys are three together. You guys come in.
Cut, right? So you're saying. So three Mexicans are like, what the fuck is going on, bro?

Speaker 1 So what you're saying is, send the Mexicans back home. That's what you're trying to say, aren't you? No, but but that's what you're trying to say.

Speaker 1 Go back to your country is what Bobby's trying to say. He sends the Mexicans back.
So, white people do it in one thing. I'm just learning something.
White people take a, yes, we take a shit.

Speaker 1 We get it out. You get all of it out.

Speaker 1 What are you saving it for? I'm not saving it because, in the Australia situation, when you have a little water.

Speaker 2 You're doing it in installments.

Speaker 1 Layaway. No, layaway.
You shit in layaway.

Speaker 2 I'm in there to empty every, like, if I could get every demon out of me at that moment, that's the idea.

Speaker 1 I'm like a rapper when he gets a bonus check. It's just

Speaker 1 coming out. Yeah, you're saving.
You're saving.

Speaker 1 I'm spending all of that cash. Well, maybe, I don't know.
I mean, maybe I'm doing it wrong. So, do you think this is a white thing? Do you think many other Koreans would do this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think Koreans, we use it and we cut it into little pieces. Really? Cute pieces.
It's got to look cute.

Speaker 2 I like shitting on my own toilet so much that I'll save it. Like, if I feel it coming, I'll be like, I can make it 30 minutes

Speaker 1 and I'll save it.

Speaker 1 Because home is so much better than somewhere else. It's just, you know, your toilet.

Speaker 1 It knows you it know it yeah there's comfort there i've got everything i i know i need it there my grooves i've got my grooves laid in my fucking battery is there my my squatty potty's there it's all there i like doing it in like gas stations what yeah you like that and then you take your time in those filthy fucking that's where i'm trying to get a shit and get that's where yeah because it's like you know you don't leave the residue of you know when you poo you leave a little residue of smell you do you don't i don't smell that's insane.

Speaker 1 Yes, you leave a little smell. Thank you.
That's insane what you just said. Okay.
Stop saying stuff like that. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you leave a little residue of smell?

Speaker 1 Something, something. Yeah, my house never has the residue, man.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Are you flushing also? You're pooping flush.

Speaker 1 Poop, flush.

Speaker 1 When you cut it,

Speaker 1 are you flushing after you cut every turn?

Speaker 1 What? Yeah. Are you serious? It's like an elevator.
No, you.

Speaker 1 It's an elevator. First group comes in, you flush.
Throw it to the floor. Another group comes in, flush.
Uh-uh. Yeah.
Why? One and done. One and gun.
No, no, no. Let it ride.

Speaker 1 That's why you get a hydro flush. The ones that

Speaker 1 suck a fart right out of your ass. Those things are my favorites.

Speaker 2 Do you do this with diarrhea? Or do you just cut it?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a completely different ballgame, my friend. Of course, I cut there, too.

Speaker 1 Of course I do. It's challenging.
Of course I do.

Speaker 1 You do little squirt, flush. Little squirt, flush.
I get this. That actually made this.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 But in Australia, by the way, I found myself talking to other people because we we were like all talk talking about it that i was like i hit the bowl every time and i said i feel like i'm having no one's coming over but even for myself i feel like i had to like scrape it away yeah so multiple times i had to like clean off the bowl because the water didn't get up that high and even when i flushed i'm thinking that'll take care of it did not it did not wow until i got to the hotel and the hotel had the todo japanese toilet shout out to the greatest toilet ever fucking made i don't know that what is it my brother it's the one that has a heated seat.

Speaker 1 This motherfucker, dude, it heats up in the middle of the night when you go up to pee.

Speaker 2 It's Japanese.

Speaker 1 You know it's Japanese because they're on a different crowd. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 You've never tried Korean. What are Korean toilets like? They do more.
What do they do that Japanese?

Speaker 1 They do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Korean ones have a scissors that come out and cuts for you. You don't have to cut.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 In fact, there's like a little, um, like a little robotic, you know, nanobot, right, that comes out. It's like a cup, right? It takes the little poo,

Speaker 1 takes it away. There's no splash.

Speaker 1 There's no splash.

Speaker 1 Right? So the Japanese, they're all right. Okay.
The Koreans, that's good. They got it better.
I like the splash, though. Brother, me too.
Gotcha. The perfect splash.
Yep.

Speaker 2 When that fucking splash goes right back up into your sphincter and cleans

Speaker 2 and not only cleans, it lubes it for that next one.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you have a poor man's bidet? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a poor man's bidet. I'm telling you, those Japanese toilets, when I came home, I agree.
We got on the internet and I'm ordering one. It warms the seat.

Speaker 1 Also, it has, so you don't have night lights. Like in our house, when we redid the bathroom,

Speaker 1 the guy was like, hey, the outlets on the wall now can come with little baby lights as like a little night light almost to illuminate at night. It's amazing.
And I was like, oh, that's great.

Speaker 1 This toilet, when you get near it, has a glow ring below it. And when it feels you,

Speaker 1 it glows the toilet. So you can just see the toilet in the bathroom at night.
So you don't have to turn on lights to wake up somebody else in the room. It's fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 The seat's always nice and warm, and it's got two angles of bidet. Two.
Man has a two at home. You have a double bidet? Double.
It has a blue LED light when I walk in late at night, right?

Speaker 1 The seat gets warm, but I still have the

Speaker 1 fucking little fucking robotic thing too.

Speaker 1 See, you are in a different crowd. Next level, dude.
You are next level. I'm ordering one of those things.
They were incredible. You don't have a bidet at home?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have a bidet, but.

Speaker 2 But there's nothing like the poor man's bidet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, the poor man's bidet is number one. Yeah, but they also, but the poo is making the water.
So the water has a little poo in it.

Speaker 1 You like it. My ass has poo in it.

Speaker 1 That's true. That's true.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Anyways. You're right.
Anyway. Theoretically.

Speaker 1 Anyway. Theoretically.
Yeah. Anyway, let's stop talking about pooh.

Speaker 1 I know, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I had a phenomenal time down there. I did miss you.
I missed you a lot. I called you a lot.
I know. I called you a lot because I missed you very much and I wanted to say hi very often.

Speaker 1 The hours were so so different. The hours were great.
Six hours in a day. So it was great for me because when it was, you know, around 10 a.m., you know, I knew that was the afternoon here.

Speaker 1 It was great. So he'd be up.
It was kind of for the first time ever. We were on the same, we were cycling.
Samely, yeah, samely.

Speaker 1 Because most of the time here, I have to wait till three or four to hit you up. Yeah.
And even still, you put on read quietly.

Speaker 1 Don't do that. Delivered quietly.
Stop fucking doing that. It pisses me off.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say something really honest. Yeah.
I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Just calm down and just explain it. Dude, this is our entire relationship.
Just explain it. When I text you,

Speaker 1 it will say notifications turned off by Bobby or whatever, and it'll say delivered quietly, meaning you won't get the pop-up on your phone. So you won't know until you open up our text.

Speaker 2 It doesn't vibrate. It doesn't ding.
It doesn't do anything. It just comes into your phone.

Speaker 1 I literally thought my phone was broken. You have it set to that.
You said it. I didn't know that you could do that.
You did it. Somehow, somebody did it.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, then I'm going to have to change it. Yeah, because you'll say delivered quietly.

Speaker 1 I was going to go to to fucking Verizon and go, can I get a new phone that's broken? Well, do that anyway. Your phone is broken.
It is broken. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do need to go to the phone.

Speaker 1 Why do people do it that quietly? Because that's when at night they're. But ninjas would love that.

Speaker 1 Don't you think ninjas would be in the middle of the iPhone ninja? Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, when they're in the tree.
A ninja calling another ninja. She's got ninjas in trees right now.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Where else are they going to be? Where do they live? Yeah, where do they live? First place he went to.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And ninjas are always in a tree.

Speaker 1 Or, you know, on a ceiling. not on a rooftop.
Right. They're about to blow guns and that.
Mom's calling. Right.
Right. They're about to assassinate.
Blum, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam, blum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. It gives them away.
Right. The people look up and go, oh, the ninja.
And then,

Speaker 1 right? Yeah. That's why probably they have the sound.
And they get back to the base, and the boss ninja is like, put on deliveries. Quietly.

Speaker 1 You gave our location away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, what is that for, though? Like, if you're.

Speaker 1 At night time, if you don't want to be disturbed by text messages and stuff, if if you want to like tune out and turn off Yeah, you put on the deliver notification to Carlos knows he's the fucking tech guy

Speaker 1 you don't want other girls if you want oh De Carlos went on a date and he doesn't want other girls blowing up his phone to see another girl go who's that? Mm-hmm. That's it.
That's a car.

Speaker 3 Or like a DM or something like that.

Speaker 1 Are you dating a lot right now, by the way?

Speaker 3 I mean, I'm going on dates.

Speaker 1 And can we tell the fans about the amount of Glory hole requests this guy's gotten?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've gotten a lot, a lot of emails about the Glory Holes. I had people reaching out thinking it was their Glory Hole.

Speaker 1 They were like, oh, I think I know that one. Remember, he went to the glory hole in West Hollywood.

Speaker 1 We think he thinks that they found he found the guy, the people that he went to.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're like, me and my wife had one. And then when we talked about

Speaker 3 sex clubs, we got an invite to another one. You and I did?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, you never fucking said.
Yeah, I know. We can.
Well, you get invited to the sex club. Don't tell me.
Well, it's like every weekend we can go. Okay, where's it at? Beverly Hills.

Speaker 1 And how much money is it?

Speaker 3 I think we can roll in for free.

Speaker 1 And what do I need to bring? Just your dick. Oh, God.
It's in the shop.

Speaker 1 I get when. And I get to the shop.
Yeah, no, really, I have to bring my dick, and then what? Do I have to. I think we're good because I think they're fighting.

Speaker 1 I think they're watching right now. You want to try just for fun?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, let's go.
Why would you say no? Of course you should go. Yeah, yeah.
I've never been to one. I get a little bit nervous.
Most people haven't. Right, right.
You talk about it.

Speaker 1 Have you been to a sex club?

Speaker 2 I've never been to a sex club, but when I first moved here, I worked at a hotel, and this dude would come in.

Speaker 2 He was LAPD's bad boy, and this dude would always roll in with two prostitutes. Nice.
And he was the nicest guy to us, and he would invite us out to these things.

Speaker 2 And what he would do, he was a rich kid. His dad made the money, surprise, surprise, and he would rent a mansion in Beverly Hills or up in the Hollywood Hills and then throw a sex party.

Speaker 2 And it was like eyes wide shut in the sense that we could come, but you're not partaking.

Speaker 2 You might be able to meet up with someone at the party, but it was like Israeli soldiers standing next to this room in a velvet rope.

Speaker 2 And then here's a guy and a girl fucking, and here's a threesome, and here's whatever.

Speaker 2 and each room had something different live sexual act going on while you mingled and you did this you went to this I went to it I didn't partake or anything but I was yeah we all went to it from the hotel like we all rolled together so but when you're there you just you stoned or you're having a drink you're hanging out at any point are you trying to hook up with anybody are you trying to talk to anybody you can to the people who are there at the party you're saying you did you no no you just chilled oh yeah I you were high I was high but also like this is the shit when I'm growing up as a kid this is what you hear Hollywood is like.

Speaker 2 And then you get to go to one of these.

Speaker 1 You're like, oh my God, it's fucking real. They really do have these.
They really have these fuckers. Where do you buy annual beads?

Speaker 1 Online or at what's the store? What's the one store that we've sent you guys to go get stuff to? Hustler? Yeah, Hustler. Hustler, yeah, he buys them at Hustler.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond should have them.

Speaker 1 In the Beyond department. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 There should be a fucking area in Bed, Bath, Beyond where, you know, it's a little risque. It should be the crazy.
Beyond should be insane. Beyond should be insane.

Speaker 1 When you go to a Bed, Bath, and Bed Beyond, there's no Beyond department. Oh, that's funny.
You've never been invited. Wait, there is one? Mm-hmm.
Is it a white people thing?

Speaker 1 So when I go to bed, what can I put prosthetics on and go in? I don't know. We'd have to change those eyes, buddy.
Yes, the eyes.

Speaker 1 We could say we got high.

Speaker 1 I can go, I'm fucking high, man.

Speaker 2 It's this high Asian guy, right?

Speaker 1 What do you mean, man? Some Korean dude trying to get in here today. Y'all.
Hey, can we get in the Beyond Department, bro? I don't know, man. That ninja must go.
That ninja must be a good thing.

Speaker 1 That's all.

Speaker 1 We don't let white people like that in either. Please tell me you don't.
That's too bad. All right, all right, fine, fuck.
So what's in the Beyond Department? It's for us to know. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Please tell me. It's hard, man.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 It's like we signed a thing years ago. You're not supposed to.
I mean, you don't. Because we want to lose our 20% off coupons?

Speaker 1 You know who's gotten, you know who sneaks in? Boo. Carlos, because they think he's a white.
Oh, that's right. A white.

Speaker 1 They think he's a white. I like him too.

Speaker 1 By the way, and Bryce farts, he's too white. When he goes there, they're like, get the fuck out of here, dude.

Speaker 1 I think Bryce walks into anywhere and people are like, this is the cops?

Speaker 1 No, like he's an informant or something. Doesn't he look like an informant? Yeah, 100%.
Well, Bryce either. You look like somebody we wouldn't trust.

Speaker 1 Bryce either looks like he works for the feds or he's a school shooter.

Speaker 1 No, he's a no, he's like a sniper guy. Oh, snipe.
That's what I meant. Sorry, that's what I meant.
You're not. Carlos, maybe school.

Speaker 1 yeah. Maybe not talk about school shooting.
No, not now. Not now.

Speaker 1 By the way, Bryce, good to see you. It's been a long time.
We haven't seen you in a while.

Speaker 1 What? And he said I appreciate it, but that's the way I like him. Minimal talk out of that guy.
I love you, Bryce. It's very good to see you.
It's been a long time. You're still tall.

Speaker 1 I was hoping you'd shrink. This guy, he's domineering.
You know what I mean? Because I don't know. That's that's thing about like tall, lanky guys, especially tall, lanky white guys.
You don't know.

Speaker 1 He could snap in a minute and go nuts.

Speaker 3 I'm on a crate right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, he is? Yeah. I am.
No, I don't know. He's the same height.
When I was playing, remember when I first started playing Stardew Valley? Yeah. And I didn't know how to fish.
Oh, that was me.

Speaker 1 That was me. I know it.
That's why I'm saying it. Thank you, Chase.
Thank you. Slow down.
Be nice. I love you, Amin.

Speaker 1 That was me. That was me.
I taught you how to fish in Stardew Valley. I didn't start relaxing.
Well, he gets excited.

Speaker 1 That's what I mean about not getting into the Beyoncé. But he was so tough like that.

Speaker 1 He was so patient with me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I used to, I thought it had to do with the repetitive, you know what I mean, button pushing. No, he goes, it's just very casual, man.
You just kind of of flow with it. You got to flow with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He'd be a good dad, dude.
You know, video games. He is a dad.
Oh, you are? No. No, he's not.
Dude, do you not know what the show is?

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm a dad. I'll talk about it.

Speaker 1 Fucking welcome to the show.

Speaker 1 This is why we don't have him around. I know.
I know. Because at least Pete will go, yeah,

Speaker 1 he'll disagree.

Speaker 1 And when you call George or Andreas, you always hear a baby in the background crying. I love it.

Speaker 1 And by the way, Fancy, our boy Fancy and the baby, I was checking in with him to see how everything is going, and it's not good. It's not good.
She's leaving leaving him 100%.

Speaker 1 He can't, he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know.
He's like, I gave the baby Sambuka. And I was like, don't give the fucking baby Sambuka, dude.
You're out of your mind, man.

Speaker 1 He doesn't know what he's fucking doing. Yeah, he doesn't know what he's doing.
You don't video game, right?

Speaker 2 No, not anymore.

Speaker 1 See, you know what's so funny is like, he's tried multiple times to get me back into it. And it's just hard for me.
And it's not because, like,

Speaker 1 it's not like a time thing. I've got a couple.
I could do it a couple hours at night or something like that. But every time I've tried, this is the, it sounds like old man shit.
It's, it's daunting.

Speaker 1 too many buttons too much stuff to do i i just want old school old school i can do a b you know what i mean but he tried to show me

Speaker 1 warzone one day oh my god with a bunch of like really good guys you know i mean he put me on like the best warzone people that play the game yeah yeah they're probably real snipers and yeah yeah but i literally look at andrew's character and he's yeah i have the gun pointing spinning in a circle right i was my gun

Speaker 1 they're coming and he's just spinning in a circle i was like so stressful i got one kill i got one kill no you didn't i guess i did You didn't. Yes, it is.
That's what happened.

Speaker 1 You know how in Warzone, you hit somebody and they can fall? Right? He didn't finish it off. Somebody else finished it off.
Yeah, I know, but I shot him off the building. I counted.

Speaker 1 But his net count partially, I shot him and he fell off the field. You maimed somebody.
Congratulations. It's called maiming? Yeah, yeah.
Sick. At least I fucking maimed.
Yeah, but

Speaker 1 our team won, by the way. Yeah, because I had the best guys in the country play with us.
I think it was you and I. No, it wasn't.
I think me pointing the gun at the

Speaker 1 pointing the gun at the crowds helped. No.
And after that, I was like, I don't think this is Andrew's thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you didn't have the patience to learn. You're like, fuck the shit.
I didn't.

Speaker 1 It's just too complex. Also, I just,

Speaker 1 I also know me. I know I'll get addicted and I'll be you because with anything, like golf, I got it.
I get, I'm obsessed. It's like, if I get into a thing, I'm going to be addicted like you.

Speaker 1 And then I'll spend so much time, I'll be, I'll be wasting more time than having fun. Yeah.
I'll just be addicted than not having fun. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Robert and I used to play back in the day. We'd do Halo and all that.

Speaker 1 Oh, I used to love Halo.

Speaker 2 But we would be up till fucking, I'd look over and I'm like, the sun's coming up. I'd have to call in sick to work and shit.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be there. Yeah, you know, it's bad.
So for me, it's like, I'm playing hot work.

Speaker 1 And I've passed it with four houses. Jesus.
I know. It's insane.
What are you talking about? What do the houses do?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What are the houses? Why do you say the houses? Because as a kid, when you create a character, you have to, you know, they put the hat on? No, dude, I do nothing about it.

Speaker 1 You've ever seen Harry Potter the movie? I've never watched one. What are you saying?

Speaker 1 I haven't either. That's insane.
About the Stars. A couple of adult males.

Speaker 1 A couple of adult males never seen it. To me, it's insane.
Okay. It's like, I don't know who Selena is.
Of course, I know who the fuck that was. Was.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 She's dead. She died? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You really don't know anything about Harry Potter. I told you more than

Speaker 1 I know more than I should know.

Speaker 1 I told you the names of that

Speaker 1 things. So basically, in Harry Potter, right, when you first go as a new student, right,

Speaker 1 a hat chooses your house. Wait a minute.
Hat chooses.

Speaker 1 So a hat is a room of hats. No, one hat.
Okay, so there's one fucking hat per person. No.
Oh, one guy's a hat. There's one hat.
There's only one hat. That's unsanitary.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Everyone's going to be a human.
No one comes with protocols or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you put on a hat and it tells you.

Speaker 1 So basically, in the ceremony, a bunch of kids are there and

Speaker 1 they'll go,

Speaker 1 Ron Weasley, come up. Ron Weasley would sit down.
They put a hat on his head and the hat has a mouth and little eyes. Little Asian eyes, huh?

Speaker 1 Right? He's like, whoa, I think this is Gryffindor. And the Gryffindor claps, Ron Weasy leaves, right? And then they put another kid on the fucking stool and put the hat on.

Speaker 1 So the hat tells you where you go to live. Yeah.
But that's based on what? What is the hat fucking know? It's a hat. Yeah, because each house has a, you know, like, Gryffindor is about like

Speaker 1 exploring, right? They're like explorers. Slytherin are like people that are like greed or whatever.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you're Slytherin? No. What are you? Gryffindor.
You're Slytherin. No, you're Slytherin.
You're Slytherin. You're Slytherin, too.
You can't say it to me when I just said it to you. All right.

Speaker 1 You're Ravenclaw. Fine.
And what is he? Hufflepuff. 100%.
Yeah, he's an explorer.

Speaker 1 Wait, what's Hufflepuff?

Speaker 2 Gryffindor is the explorers.

Speaker 1 What's Hufflepuff? The lazy ones. Oh, shit.
I mean, Hufflepuff doesn't know. You're like the old Korean groundskeepers.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's no longer. There are no Hufflepuff people in the movie.
He didn't mention it in the movies. It's Sickler and a bunch of old Korean groundskeepers in Hufflepuff.

Speaker 1 That's so strange that you guys don't know a very big pop cultural thing. I know of it.
We know the elements that we needed to know.

Speaker 1 We know she was a bigot against trans people. We knocked that out of the park.
I know that fucking Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and the girl, Hermione.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great. I know, but the names, this is what I'm talking about.
In the cultural zeitgeist, I know what I need to know from a framework point of view.

Speaker 1 I don't need to know like the fucking hat that talks. Okay, let me ask you some questions.
This is very important. Sure.
There's a game that they play Quidditch. Quidditch.
Wow, that's amazing.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I took my nieces to the ride at the universe. At Universal, I did the ride with them.
Let me ask you, this is fun. Let me ask you another question.

Speaker 1 In the series of the movie, there's one anime, you know what I mean, that is trying to get back. No, now you're fucking with me.
There's no anime porn in the fucking movie.

Speaker 1 There is. There's anime porn in the movie.
No, anime. Not anime porn.
Enemy.

Speaker 1 Enemy. Yeah.
There's just anime.

Speaker 1 He said anime. Didn't he say anime?

Speaker 2 I can't understand him sometimes.

Speaker 2 I heard him say bedbath and bleon.

Speaker 1 I'm just rolling with it, Sam.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm just here to promote my special.

Speaker 1 Yeah, welcome to the show. So you don't know about the enemy.

Speaker 1 Enemy? Enemy. Yeah.
The main nemesis. I know, I've seen him.
What's his name? Gargamel. Gargamel.

Speaker 1 That's pretty close, though. Catman.
Voldemort. Israel.
Voldemort. Voldemort, yeah.
Voldemort. Yeah, but he was originally named, he was a kid named Tom Riddle.
Oh. And who played Voldemort?

Speaker 1 The guy that played

Speaker 1 the menu. Oh, Oh, yeah, I do.
Ray Fiennes? Ray Fiennes. Oh, I like Ray Fiennes a lot.
Yeah, he's great in it.

Speaker 1 He is such a good actor. And then who else is in it?

Speaker 1 What's my favorite actor that died? That's in it. He was the Daniel Radcliffe.
House of Defense.

Speaker 1 Legendary. He was in Die Hard.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I even know this guy.
Wait, what's his name?

Speaker 1 He was the main enemy in the world.

Speaker 1 What's Sneak? Oh,

Speaker 1 what is that? What is it? Peter Pan. Peter Pan.
Nether Pan, no.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 What's his name?

Speaker 3 I played Hans Gruber. Alan Hans Gruber.

Speaker 2 The enemy in Danielle.

Speaker 1 No, not Hans Gruber. Oh, who are you talking about?

Speaker 1 The guy that played the enemy in Die Hard, the main bad guy. Yeah, in the first actor that played him.
That's not Hans Gruber. Well, that's the character's name.
Yeah, not the fact.

Speaker 1 Hans Gruber is the character in the film. Oh, yeah, but what's his name? Actually,

Speaker 1 what? Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Hans Gruber, that's Hans Gruber.
Yeah, it is Hans Gruber. But Alan Rickman is in all the movies.
Wow. It's a great cast.

Speaker 1 I should see it. You should see it.

Speaker 2 In our defense, you don't need to see Empire Strikes Back to know who Yoda is.

Speaker 1 Facts. Or Darth Vader.
Facts. Stupid.

Speaker 1 That's what high people say. That's the point.
You don't need to eat a fucking burrito because it's like any other burrito. That's not true.
That's not what he's saying. He's saying.

Speaker 1 We understand what we need to know to get by.

Speaker 1 It's like you with English. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 No, man. That's ridiculous.
You didn't even understand what you said. He said, what?

Speaker 1 All the fans out there, boy, oh boy, am I glad to be back on this fucking show.

Speaker 1 And I want to say this. We're going to say goodbye to our guest because he's got to go live a life.
And time out, time out. Time out.
This Wednesday, in two days, Lefty's son is out on YouTube.

Speaker 1 Go watch this fucking special on YouTube. You should link it in the description, boys, so they can go click on that easily and watch his fucking special.
Please, and spread that to me. All my YouTube

Speaker 1 channels.

Speaker 2 Ryan Sickler on all social media. Subscribe to my podcast, The Honey Do.

Speaker 1 Do it. Thank you both for having me.
Do it. Give him a kiss for the mic.
Love you. See you too, Bob.
You know, I love you, dude. I do know.
So much. I'm so sorry what happened to you, Bob.

Speaker 1 Thank you, brother.

Speaker 1 He's alive. He's alive.

Speaker 2 Thank you for having me here to support. I love you guys.

Speaker 1 I love you. I love you, man.
All right, get out of here. We'll talk to you soon.

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I love DoorDash.

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Speaker 1 When you're in Australia, do you just hold in all your come?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 Say that a question again.

Speaker 1 What do you need to know? When I'm in Australia, do I hold it in? Yeah, because you have to, what, you think down under I can't just rope one out? Oh, you do rope it out.

Speaker 1 You don't think I don't think I don't masturbate? I know. Some people like Steve O, they're like, ah, no, I saved it for a year.
Well, that was, that's strange.

Speaker 1 He did like a year of celibacy, or he wanted to do that as a testament to his addiction to see if he could do that as like a, I think that's what he said. Yeah.
No, I mean, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 The first day I got to Australia, I cried and I jerked off on the couch. You know what's so funny? My patio faced like five other patios.

Speaker 1 And sadly, I was so lonely for the first week because we didn't film yet and I was there without meeting any cast members. I was hoping someone would like see me a little bit.
Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Just to be like, oh.

Speaker 1 I was jerking off like at the window on the couch. Oh, right through the window.
Well, I just wanted someone to go like this.

Speaker 1 You know, I just want to say that. It's all right, right.
You know, but you know what? I had a discussion with,

Speaker 1 our buddy, Brian Jarvis, one of the writers of the movie, who's one of the, such a fucking funny dude. And Jarvis and I were talking about.
I have a funny story about Brian Jarvis.

Speaker 1 We're going to tell in a second. But Jarvis and I were talking about that, about how, like, people can see you, and all these windows face other windows.
So there's no privacy.

Speaker 1 And you have to close the curtain. Then it feels weirder when you jerk off sad in the dark.
So I said, yeah, I sit on my couch and no one can really see me. You know, like maybe kind of or whatever.

Speaker 1 And he goes, you know what's so fucking funny about that? All of us kind of want to be seen a little bit. Right.
A little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because, like, he goes, there's a girl that would leave, you know, she would be like changing and she knows people can see her, but she leaves the blinds open on purpose because she kind of wants to be, all of us kind of want to be seen.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like in New York, you kind of want someone to see you a little bit because even if they're like, look at that guy's small dick, they can't say it to your face.

Speaker 1 They can laugh in their apartment alone. Yeah.
But I don't have to hear it. Yeah, no.
I might give them a little piece of laughter during the day.

Speaker 1 They see my little red penis and they might, you might have a cup of coffee and go,

Speaker 1 and that might make his morning. Yeah.

Speaker 1 me with my little red penis on the couch yeah give him a laugh in the card you pick your nose and eat it i don't pick my nose okay but and you shouldn't eat it oh okay do you do can i just say something i discovered the other day carlos and don't try it

Speaker 1 why do you have some

Speaker 1 warning

Speaker 1 i know you're gonna try this okay but i'm gonna tell you something i discovered i know you're gonna try it right is this gonna make me sick it's gonna make you sick okay

Speaker 1 Good, we haven't had enough gross shit on this podcast.

Speaker 1 All right, I will say it then. No, please.
Yo, you discover, you uncover, you discard.

Speaker 1 Discard. Huh? You discover, you uncover, discard.
You figure it out. I'm just saying it right now.
Your boogers. Yeah, but boogers.
I don't eat them. By the way, I'm gonna throw that out there.

Speaker 1 You know, I bet we can rewind the tape right now from like the 12th episode, and we talk about you eating your boogers.

Speaker 1 Well, I stop.

Speaker 1 Oh, you kicked the habit? Until I discover something new. Wait,

Speaker 1 have you vaped through your nose?

Speaker 1 No. You hold it a sit, and

Speaker 1 you vape.

Speaker 3 Oh, and it dehydrates all your boogers.

Speaker 1 No, it flavors your boogers. It flavors your boogers.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if I'm happy to be back right now.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try it.

Speaker 1 You know, you're going to try it, right?

Speaker 1 But don't do the first one. Do same one flavor.
You don't want to do 15 different flavors up there. Yeah.
Right? Just do one mango. Oh, there's always a good one.
You flavor your booger.

Speaker 1 Well, I just like, one day I was watching Star Trek. I was alone on my iPad, and I was

Speaker 1 my nose. And I go, and I remember the smell still being in my nose.
Like, hmm, my house sounds mango. It smells mangoe.

Speaker 1 Right. And then, and then, you know, the light bulb.
Bing.

Speaker 1 Well, my, the two of the nose, you know, is like mangoe. Right.
Maybe the boogers. Never didn't do it right away.
Still watching the new Star Trek. And I was like,

Speaker 1 and I go, it's like a mango. Oh, God.
Don't. All right.
I'm going to try to. So everyone at home, you know what I mean? If you do vape, you're going to try it.
Don't. Why?

Speaker 1 Why would you teach people to vape? Because I feel like people don't eat the boogers is because it's it's salty.

Speaker 1 Right? It causes high blood pressure, salt, and this and that. You know what else it is, dude? It's fucking gross.
It is gross. It's not just the salt.
It's pretty much.

Speaker 1 I'm saying you shouldn't eat your boogers. Don't eat the boogers.
You're going to try it, Carlos? He is. Probably.
There's no doubt in my mind. He's absolutely.
You are totally going to try it.

Speaker 1 Tell me the Brian Jarvis story that you want to tell me.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, you know, he's sober. He's a great guy.
Yeah, he's sober. And I remember back in the day when he was loaded, you know, and he used to work at the 101 Cafe.
Yeah, you mean loaded, by the way?

Speaker 1 He means on shit, not rich. Yeah, he was on shit.
I know, I know. The word loaded can be.
And he's like one of those guys that, like, you always looked at him and you went, this guy is just talent.

Speaker 1 He's so

Speaker 1 naturally funny. So funny.
Right. And then I remember one day I go, you know what? You know, I'm in AA.
I want to take you to a meeting. He's like, all right, man.
Can't leave me. Right.

Speaker 1 And I remember driving down the street. He opens up the door and he just jumps out in the middle.
Well, I'm driving.

Speaker 1 I see him roll and he's just running the other way. I swear.
How fast are you going? It was a residential area, so I was going maybe 20 miles per hour.

Speaker 1 But he just jumped out, rolled, and sort of run. I looked at him in my rear view.
I'm like, what the fuck is he doing? Right. And eventually I got him in a meeting.

Speaker 1 But it was crazy.

Speaker 1 That's my memory of Brian Jarvis. So when I found out that he wrote the, he did punch-ups on the movie or rewrites.
So the movie was written a long time ago, and then it was rewritten a few times.

Speaker 1 So Jarvis and his partner, Jim, did the most recent version. You know what I mean? With Pete.
Because it's funny, I've gotten a lot of calls from producers that want to do a movie with us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, what the fuck do you do? Can Jarvis write it? Would love to. He would love to.
Let's just do that. I'm so down.
Have Jarvis write it. We got to give him some concept to write, though.

Speaker 1 We can't just be like, write us a movie. Andres is going to be pissed.

Speaker 3 Andreas is going to be pissed.

Speaker 1 He's got a baby now. He's confused.
And also, by the way, we don't speak Spanish.

Speaker 1 That's going to be a tough script for us to fucking read. Yeah.
You know, Balamos. Balamos.
I don't know. I don't know what Balamos even says.
I don't know it either. Stop reading.
Stop. No.
Listen.

Speaker 1 Andres can have a hand in this, but the guy's going to be too busy.

Speaker 1 Also. Produce it.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He had ideas.
You're just worried that you're cut out. What are you talking about? Yeah, you fuck.
Your ego got in the way. No, you're producing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, you had a year with this project, dude. Nothing.

Speaker 3 I wrote a script 18 months ago.

Speaker 1 But not the Bad Friends script. Yeah, I wrote Bottoms of Turtle Island.
Oh, did you really? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't know. Is it good? It is pretty good.
We definitely can't make it.

Speaker 1 It's just not makeable. Yeah, yeah.
It's good, but it is good. It's just not makeable,

Speaker 1 too. I mean, and I'm sad now that magnum's over we're not gonna be able to do an episode of magnum

Speaker 1 you bastard man don't even bring that up man wait why i'm serious i wanted to do an episode with you what do you mean they wrote an episode for you yeah dude i couldn't do it i know yeah i was in australia hollywood

Speaker 1 is magnum not hollywood oh it is yeah also by the way it's about i know also all the comments kirk fox did it oh he's so good yeah he's better than me what do you find that's great he's a better actor it was fun well that's worth it yeah yeah all the comments that say i'm more hollywood is so comical to me because you know, he's worked with the same level of like stars, but they do that because they placate his little ego.

Speaker 1 And it's so annoying. People like, oh, Santita's way more Hollywood.
How? You do the same kind of shit that I do. You do the same thing.
You do TV and film you do all sorts of stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, but you hang out with them afterwards. I don't.
I cut the line. No, you know why? No, they don't.
You don't cut the line. I do.
You don't cut the line.

Speaker 1 They go, hey, they go, hey, you want to go out? No.

Speaker 1 I cut the line. I know what they go, oh, cool.
Thank God.

Speaker 1 You were asking him to be nice.

Speaker 1 he's been sitting in the corner eating his mango boogers at this restaurant no shit

Speaker 1 yeah i will say i will say this i did get to eat kangaroo and hang out with cena and john is one of the fuck he's such a nice guy it's like a new level he loves you are you being real he remembers i called you and we talked about i talked the same day i called you about because come on tell me more

Speaker 1 see

Speaker 1 He does remember the sketches. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because he said, he made the comment about, you know, us together. And it was very complimentary and was super nice about it.

Speaker 1 And then he said, you know, I used to do shit with Bob. And I said, I know Bob told me.
And then we were just talking about it for a while. He's a good dude.
He's great.

Speaker 1 And talk about a guy that fucking has worked hard for the success. It's kind of crazy.
It's like sometimes you meet people where you're like, how do these people fall face first into luck?

Speaker 1 But with him, it was like, you can just tell

Speaker 1 he's a workhorse. Yeah.
He works. Even when back when he did Mad TV, you could tell that he's just there ready, learning and wanting to do it.
Dude, the motherfucker, the motherfucker exercises,

Speaker 1 He plays piano during the day to keep piano up. Then he practices mandarin during the day to keep all that shit up.
Wow. Dude.
And meanwhile, I'm jerking on my red penis on my couch.

Speaker 1 It's like, I feel like I needed to do so much more. You got me, I'm like vaping out of my nose.

Speaker 1 It's terrible. When you meet people that do so much, you're like, fuck, I need to be doing more.
So what did I do? I bought a couple of books while I was there. How many did I read?

Speaker 1 There's no way you've read. How many did I read? Zero.
I swear to God. I bought five.
How many did I read? You say zero? What do you say, Carlos? How many did I read? Two. How many, Bryce?

Speaker 1 Three. Hmm.
I read all five. Fuck all you guys.
I read all five books. I'll bring them in.
Beginning to end. No, you skip around.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Well, no, really. No, I swear to God.
I'll bring them in. I'm going to bring them in.
Are they Cliff Notes?

Speaker 1 Are they Cliff Notes? Well, down there, it's Claff Notes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just Claff Notes. Yeah.
Hi, Mate. They're so fucking nice, by the way.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you about Australians as a people, right? So nice. It's annoying very.

Speaker 1 But in terms of beauty. Ah.
Can Can we talk about that? Well, we can. All right.
Would you say that there's a lot of pretty women, but the men are stranded. Look, the mullet there, Theo Vaughan? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is everywhere. Yeah, Theo Vaughn.
He's everywhere. He's king.
That's all you see is mullets. It's mullet city, dude.
And Carlos's hair? Yeah. You'd be a god.
They'd build a statue out of this guy.

Speaker 1 Wow. Dude, there's so many guys that have like long, flowy hair that are bald.

Speaker 1 It's a vibe. But are they stylish, at least the guys? Yeah, it's their style.
Which is what?

Speaker 1 Australian Bogan. They call it Bogan.
Bogan. Yeah, you're a Bogan, right? So what is it, khakis or no? No, they don't wear fucking khakis.
You know what they look like down there?

Speaker 1 They look like what we used to look like in the 90s. They all wear like super baggy, oversized.
You know, like Doc Martens are

Speaker 1 everyone has Doc Martens on. Because I imagine they dress like Panama Jack.

Speaker 1 Right? With

Speaker 1 a tan vest. No, I'll be real.

Speaker 1 Like a safari hat. No, none of them.
Alligator shoes? No, they're like hip kids. They're like hip kids.
Everyone there looks like a fucking cool kid. Yeah.
We look like shit. They look like cool kids.

Speaker 1 But that was the vibe. That was the style.
Was a lot of like mullet haircuts, but it looked cool. If they styled it, it looked dope.
Obviously, it's not for me or you could do it, I guess.

Speaker 1 You could do a mullet. I've done a mullet before.
But it's not really your style. No, it didn't look good with me.
That's what I'm saying. In fact, I'm getting my haircut.

Speaker 1 Do you mind if I take the haircut before the tour? I was going to say, I think we should shave our heads for the tour. I'm really going to shave my head.

Speaker 1 I think we should all all shave our head for the tour would you shave your head jesse's got to do it too then yeah no yeah jesse yeah she we all if one if we all have to do it as a family if she's gonna do it carlos this took me years yeah yeah

Speaker 1 i know we're trying to just play your game no i was thinking about doing like a bowl cut i love that

Speaker 1 like like one of those like like the beetle haircuts edgar cut an edgar cut cut yeah who's edgar i don't know i just agreed with him yeah but why do you what the fuck is that he doesn't know what he's talking about edger what the fuck is that edgar who what's edgar and is it called edgar yeah it's called edgar cut cut and it's apparently uh nbc says gen z latinos are crazy about it the story is that a young fan asked a barber anthony reyes to cut and shape a design of a major league baseball player edgar martinez yeah edger martinez i want to look it up right now edgar cut i just told you i know i want to look at what looks edgar cut well

Speaker 1 there we go yeah let me look reyes is no i'm not doing that so wait a minute this yeah that looks dope that looks so dope

Speaker 1 How about on the bus?

Speaker 1 I'll do Edgar then. You'll do Edgar? Yeah, I'll do an Edgar Cut.
You know what I'll do with you? Yeah, yeah. If you're down, we can give each other haircuts on the bus.

Speaker 1 You want to give each other haircuts on the bus? No, no, I'm not doing it. No, no, no, no, no.
I need a trim. A tiny.
No, no, I can't. No, I want to go to a professional guy and do it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get an Edgar cut. What's the fun in that? Going to a guy who does hair? Let's give each other cuts on the bus.
Because you're going to fucking nip my scalp and stuff.

Speaker 1 That's the fucking fun of it. No, because I get boils.
Oh, yeah, little baby boils. I got little baby boils on the head.
All right, we'll get a professional. But can we do this on the tour?

Speaker 1 Can we go to a black barber shop and get like fades?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's tight.
I would love to do that. Also, by the way, we got a shout-out from somebody.
Can I go in with Urban Bob?

Speaker 1 No, we can't do Urban Bob.

Speaker 1 We can. Yeah.
I got a shout-out from a guy.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say the name, but we got invited to go to like one of the highest-end

Speaker 1 diamond stores to go get like iced out. Oh, wait, you and I did? What's this town? No, we did.
In Houston? I'm not going to say where. We'll talk about it later.
Oh, so... What does iced out mean?

Speaker 1 Go diamond. Should we go get fucking iced? Like diamond chains.
Chunch money necklaces? What does it cost? I don't know. We'll figure it out when we get it.

Speaker 1 10 20 grand i don't want to do that i'll lose it let's get grills i will do yeah does that stay in forever no what the you take it out oh you do no but we can it's like a it's like a fucking what do you call it it's like yeah like a retainer yeah yeah it's like a retainer and you put it over your teeth let's get grills please yeah yeah let's do it all right yeah let's do it i would love grills grills for the crew how about this what else what else do they do Huh, what?

Speaker 1 Who? Where else can you put diamonds on your body? You can put diamonds. No, no, it's like watches and chains and all.
We can put diamonds on your forehead.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can do like one of those Indian datats. Yeah, little candy.
candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little Uzi. Indian datat, right?

Speaker 3 Lil Uzi did that, I think.

Speaker 1 Little Uzi Vert has a diamond in his fucking face. Or maybe I would just do like an eye.
Ooh, your third eye. Like a third eye, but then blank these out.

Speaker 1 So I'd sew these up, right? And I'm Cyclops. Oh.
But then I wouldn't be able to see. Uh-huh.
But you could convince yourself you could. Oh.
Yeah. Those Mango Booger stuff.
Manger Mango. Mango Mango.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, your new nickname is Mango Booger.
Mango Booger. Internet, do it.
Internet, do it. Internet, do it.
Internet, do it.

Speaker 1 Listen, I was just kidding about that, to be honest with you. No, you weren't.
Yes, I was. No, you weren't.

Speaker 1 Why would I eat my own boogers, man? But I'm sitting. Take a second.
I never fucking did that. Take a second.
I've never even tried it, dude. It's like, you know, I just threw it out there, man.

Speaker 1 I was saying, science and experiment. See if it works.
It works. I don't know if it does.
I've never tried it.

Speaker 1 Look at me in the fucking eye and say you had never tried it. I never tried it.
Look at me in the eye and don't look away. I never tried it.
Swear to God. No.
See?

Speaker 1 It doesn't swear to God.

Speaker 1 I don't swear to god why never tried why don't you swear to god i swear to god if i think that um it's real it's real yeah yeah it's real yeah yeah if it's real i swear to god but you know why juicy is in the studio today we should say that for some of our fans why because she's on tour with anthony fucking jesselnick this cocksucker steals our

Speaker 1 sucker that's our crew he's a sucker he's infusing in our crew yeah fucker dude he's lucky he's so good at comedy otherwise we'd fight him we should still we should fight him i honestly i love that guy i know i fucking love and that's why it's okay like if it was somebody else else that brought Jesse, it would kind of irritate.

Speaker 1 Like, who? Who? I don't want to do this. I don't want to do it right now.

Speaker 1 I don't want to do it. Get in trouble.
I don't want to do it right now. Just say size.

Speaker 1 Okay, how about this? What if Polly took her out? Because I think, well, Polly does, right? Yeah, Polly does bring her. All right, so how about her? That's fine.
What if, what if?

Speaker 1 Are we going to throw out names? No. Okay, do it.
Throw out a name.

Speaker 1 What if

Speaker 1 who would take her out? That would annoy you. What if Griffin took her out?

Speaker 1 For dinner. I would laugh.
You'd laugh. Why? I would just laugh.
I would laugh. Come on, Juicy.

Speaker 1 No, I would go to Juice and go, really? You want to do this?

Speaker 1 If he took her out, would you not let her back on the show? As a punishment for a week at least. Ooh.

Speaker 1 I would make it seem like we're done with her and then bring her back later. Oh, my God.
Right. Because that's a little, if he asked to,

Speaker 1 that's betrayal. That is.
He's too close to us. Too close? Yeah.
Too close.

Speaker 1 Him or, or, in fact, any of our friend circle, no. Yeah.
If it's somebody we don't know, like Dr. Drew.

Speaker 1 Fine. I love Dr.
Drew. You know what I mean? She could open for him.
What if Marin, like Maren?

Speaker 1 I'm fine. That's interesting, though.
It is an interesting one. Because he could.
He might. That is kind of like her vibe.

Speaker 1 You know what Sickler said about her that I thought was very nice and he didn't say it when we talked? He goes, you know what? The reason that she's such a good fit? She has such a great disposition.

Speaker 1 She's like such a positive fucking vibe. She's not just

Speaker 1 a good, like... one of the greatest people I've ever met, I think, in my life.
I'm honestly, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body, in her body. She's just really just.

Speaker 1 Well, look, she's a great comic with the A, that A, A, the first thing, good, great comic. But then, like, her mood, her thing, the thing I can't describe.
So she won't talk bad about anybody.

Speaker 1 No, she doesn't want to. Like, how do you feel about this person? She won't do it.
She'd go, no, they're whatever. Yeah, yeah.
And you go, yeah, but

Speaker 1 they talk shit about you. And she'll go, that's a bummer.
And then she'd move on. Meanwhile, if I said that about you, if I said, you know who talks shit about you, you're like i'm gonna fuck

Speaker 1 it's the korean side that is and you know what that's not your fault it's a cultural thing speaking of koreans go watch beef on netflix oh it's a bad beef just came out i know i see the billboards i haven't seen it just came out yeah you happy with it i haven't seen it yeah they did a premiere i couldn't go because what i was show's really good in it he is yeah stephen young alley of course now young was yo there's so many good people on that thing you're on it i'm in it but i'm not really in it you'll miss me if you watched it you wouldn't even know i'm there really no i'm it also they you know i couldn't go to the premiere because i just got back from australia and i was working yeah and then i you know got asked by a few people like why wouldn't you go and i said have you seen the fucking pictures online

Speaker 1 what do you mean it's it's fucking 37 asians why would i be the one dickhead like hey

Speaker 1 i already have that it's the house party poster i'm fucking the only dumb white guy yeah yeah yeah hey wow wow i don't need that again and also You want to talk about a moment for fucking people of color or minorities?

Speaker 1 This is an all-Asian show.

Speaker 1 it's the, I think it's probably one of the first of its kind that has that many main character all-Asians 100%, right? Yeah, so what am I doing there?

Speaker 1 They should have not invited me, they should be like, You can't come, you white fucking devil

Speaker 1 because they want to use the best. Sonny thinks you're great.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I'm saying for the promotion of it at the at the premiere, it's like, I don't need to be there for that's you guys' time to shine. Yeah, what am I gonna do?

Speaker 1 Also, I'm barely in it, I'm not gonna do it. It's also weird, like I went to Burt Kreischer and Whitney's, you know, um, OnlyFans roast uh screening, Uh-huh.
And they're like, go in the

Speaker 1 line. Go in the fucking, you know, the press line.
Oh, right, right. And I'm like, I'm not in it.
You're not in it. Yeah.
And they're like please, I'm not doing it. Well, because you're not in it.

Speaker 1 I'm not in it, but why would I have to do that? If you're in it, it's different. I'll do it if I'm in it.
Right. Right? So it's like...
But that's the other thing, why I wouldn't do anything.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would promote it online. I posted about it, but it's like me going to the premiere, even if I could.
I wasn't here, but even if I could, it's like, this is not for me.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's for them. It's for Steven and Alan.
No, dude.

Speaker 1 Koreans love you. No, I love them too.
We love you. You know? I know, but I'm just saying, Carlos, he's nodding off.
He gets me. I'm saying.

Speaker 3 I'm not nodding.

Speaker 1 Why are you nodding off? No, I was just thinking. No, because he's using again.
He's fucking nodding off, dude. I've seen him do it three times today.
You're fentanyl? Are you fentany again?

Speaker 3 I mean, just, no, I'm at one milligram of fentanyl because I saw on the bus ads that it takes two to overdose. So you need one.

Speaker 1 See, he's half dosing. Are you being real, man? No, of course not.
I'm not doing that,

Speaker 1 We're going to keep a title. What? Beef is at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Speaker 3 That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's great.
Well, it's not because of me. It's fucking good.
Those guys are so good in that thing.

Speaker 1 Dude, honestly, when I saw some of the scenes I wasn't in, just like watching, I was like, it was going to be a fucking good show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's great, dude. Maybe I was a little jealous I wasn't Korean.
What?

Speaker 1 Imagine being the only white guy on a Korean show. That's how good you are as a white.
I know, but they would throw stuff at me at lunch. Oh, really? What? All the Koreans.
It's rice. It doesn't hurt.

Speaker 1 It does.

Speaker 1 But handfuls of it hurts. Yeah.
Oh, I see. And it's not wet rice.
It's hard to eat. It's hard rice.
It's uncooked rice. Right.
And they go, lunch is ready, white devil. And they would huck rice at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then honestly,

Speaker 1 they'd make me take off my clothes and wear tidy whiteys. I had to wear tidy whitey underwear.
Yeah. That's a wardrobe set, so I never wore boxers.

Speaker 1 And I wore tidy whiteies, and they would hit me with rice, and then I had to eat it raw and pick it up one by one. Like, have you ever been on a set where it was all Asians? Probably not.

Speaker 1 That was probably the first set you've ever been on that that's like that. That or the Jet Lee film I did.

Speaker 1 You really really would. No, no, I never.

Speaker 1 No, that was the only, that was the only time I. No, and you know what? It was fucking, you know what was fascinating about that show?

Speaker 1 Not like I need to, we're not plugging the show, but like it was such a great perspective of like what it's like feeling like a young Korean America in Los Angeles in Los Angeles and the culture and the subculture that existed in their world, particularly because we weave in and out of religion and they talk a lot about like going to church in it and these church people.

Speaker 1 And to see that as a kid who not a church guy, but I saw white people do that in our world.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is cool to see the perspective of a Korean church because how serious some of them take it. Because some of the Koreans in church, that's like, holy fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I might start going. That's like some white shit.
The way that you guys are with church is like some white people's shit.

Speaker 1 And it was cool as fuck to see.

Speaker 1 Beyond the fact that Sonny made an amazing show, I'm just saying, perspective-wise, it was cool to watch another culture's perspective on things that we could also compare to and go, oh, wow, that's fucking, that's sick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It was dope.
The show is fucking good.

Speaker 1 It's an important show. It's 100%.
I think it's important. 100%.
100%. God bless Asians, man.
Good people. Yeah.
Great people. We're the best.
Not the best. No chance.
I know, but we're good.

Speaker 1 You're up there. No, we're up there.
You know who goes first.

Speaker 1 Let me guess.

Speaker 1 In terms of Asians or just white people? Oh, people. Just people.
Redheads? Not redheads. Uh-uh.
You're last. Uh-uh.
No, we're not last.

Speaker 1 You're second to last. Close.
Yeah. Yeah, we'll be third or second to last, yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 1 White people. Black.
Oh, for sure. Yeah, black.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, blacks are the best.
They are the best. Well,

Speaker 1 they're the best. Yeah.
And then Asians are. They smell so good.
Asians, that's weird.

Speaker 1 What last night. Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Do you smell someone that smells really good? Well, Dave Hallam brought me up. I love Dave.
And he always hugs me. Yeah.
And I smelled him.

Speaker 1 Wow, they smell so good. Yeah.
Yeah, it's like this sweet, you know,

Speaker 1 sweet smooth. It's like they're cigarettes.

Speaker 1 They're sleeping. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know.
Cool. Sweet smooth.
Yeah, sweet smooth. Okay, if black people so slick.
Like slick. They smell sweet.

Speaker 1 That sounds racist? Yeah, it does. It's not.
It does, though. How is slick bad?

Speaker 1 Slick always is a term of like, oh, look at this guy. He's fucking mixed slick.
Like, cool cat. Cool cat.
Yeah, right? Like, 19. I smelled him.
I was like, and I, and I want to go,

Speaker 1 like, he left after, because I went up after him.

Speaker 1 And I want to go, how do I get that smooth? You have to have another life. And he's like, nah.
Uh-uh. He'd be like, nah.
Nah, not for you. Yeah, not for me.
I'm more pungent. Yeah.
Is it good?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so if he's sweet, smooth. Yeah, yeah.
You're pungent, rough.

Speaker 1 No, I'm, you know, um,

Speaker 1 you know what? It's like stale fruit.

Speaker 1 You stale fruit? I'm stale fruit. What am I? Oh, you're

Speaker 1 dry wood. Old bologna.
Dried wood actually is exactly what white people smell like. Yeah, dried wood.
Dry wood. Yeah, yeah.
What about Carlos? What about Mexicans?

Speaker 1 Fuck, that's a hard one, huh? Mexicans? Well, he's different because he's like an imposter Mexican. Yeah, he's not one of the ones that we love.

Speaker 1 Like this guy, you know, this guy doesn't make a papusa. No fucking way.
No, I can't make papusa. No, that's what I'm saying.
It's like he's a fucking phony Mexican. I would order papusa.
See, though?

Speaker 1 See? Yeah. Like a fucking white.
Yeah. I'll order papusas.
Fucking white.

Speaker 1 Soccer ball bean. I don't know.
I'm trying to figure out. I'm trying to figure out.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 No, I'm trying to find.

Speaker 1 What do Mexicans smell like to you?

Speaker 1 Laundry.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yeah.
Laundered. They always smell like clean laundry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every neighborhood I go to on the east side smells like bouncing.
Laundered frijoles. London frijoles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that offensive? No, no.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like right on. We're kidding.
We're all kidding. We're all kidding.
We're all kidding, for fuck's sake, internet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to take this time while you sip your water to thank you so much for holding down the Bad Friends Family Fort.

Speaker 1 You, Bryce, George, Fancy, Carlos, thank you for holding down the Bad Friends Family. You did it when I was gone.
You've done it. Always done it.
You know, we help each other.

Speaker 1 We've got to keep this thing going. This is the Bad Friends family.
And I'm serious when I say this.

Speaker 1 I seriously, genuinely can't wait for people to see what we've got planned for the tour and the live show. You're going to get stand-up from both of us.
You're going to get stand-up from Juicy.

Speaker 1 You're going to get bits, live bits, interactive bits that Carlos is working on now. Audience members, when you show up, this is phenomenal.
This is the first time we've talked about it.

Speaker 1 There is going to be a code that they can sign up to be members of the physical live show, to come on stage, perhaps, to maybe interact with us, to maybe get another slice of being a part of a best friend's family.

Speaker 1 100%. So, we've worked on this.
We've got a way to do this. You are going to be involved doing great bits from the show.

Speaker 1 Bobby is going to play music.

Speaker 3 Sign your waiver, too, please.

Speaker 1 Sign your waiver.

Speaker 1 I also want to say something that

Speaker 1 is very difficult for me to say, but I really,

Speaker 1 I really do love you.

Speaker 1 And you're a real friend.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 I think about like Kalila, you, and people around me.

Speaker 1 And I'm just so blessed to have just great people that love me. And I can feel it, you know.

Speaker 1 I haven't had the best month of my life, you know, and it's like

Speaker 1 you guys are just really there for me. And I really appreciate it, man.
I love you so much. I love you so much.
And you know what? It's so hard for me to say. I know.
It's so hard. I know.

Speaker 1 It's like giving Hitler a high five.

Speaker 1 You know, when he's doing this, and

Speaker 1 that's really hard.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's really hard.

Speaker 1 But you did it. Yeah, I did it because.
I'm your Goebbels. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you look at your life and you go, you look at the people around you, and it's like, oh, I know I have love and support. And you never think that, you know, about your life, you know.

Speaker 1 But when you do, it's touching, you know, and I get emotional about it. Well, I love you.
And thank you. And you know what? What? Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Now, when you get annual bleeds, you know, you would think you would want white ones. White ones? Yeah.
No, you'd think you'd want the ones that don't show anything.

Speaker 1 No, you want to see what the change of the color.

Speaker 1 For me, I want the change of the case, like a mood ring.

Speaker 1 Mood beads. Mood beads.
You should make mood beads.

Speaker 1 But I want it white so that you can know how clean you are. That's cool.

Speaker 1 I understand what you're saying. Okay, good.
But I think the mood bead one is better. You think so? Well, because when you

Speaker 1 then you're like, is everything okay?

Speaker 1 You seem

Speaker 1 to be moody.

Speaker 1 moody!

Speaker 1 Your booty's moody. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Someone's feeling cheeky.