Tito Cheeto is Back!

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Welcome back from Australia, Santino.
Who are you? Andrew Santino's back. I haven't seen you in so long.
I haven't seen you in so long. I'm Andrew James Santino.
That's your middle name? Andrew James Santino. Whoa.
You've known me for 12 years. A guy doesn't know my fucking middle name.
What's my middle name? Gong. See, that's what I'm Andrew James Santino.
That's your middle name? Andrew James Santino. You've known me for 12 years.

A guy doesn't know my fucking middle name.

What's my middle name?

Gong.

See, that's what I'm saying.

It's not Gong.

No, it's not.

Yeah, yeah.

It's Robert.

I do know what it is.

It's Robert Raman Lee.

Is it Robert Raman Lee?

No, Udon.

Udon.

Robert Udon Lee.

Udon Lee, dude.

And we have in the studio with us today. Sickler.
Sick Dog. One of my favorite people who's in the studio.
Ryan Sickler's here today. Clap right now.
Everybody clap. Ryan Backpain Sickler.
Backpain Sickler. Wait, what is your middle name, bro? Scott.
Scott. Oh, I love it.
White name. That's very white.
My middle name is Young. Young.
No, Y-O-U-N-G. I'm young and old.
Young. Robert Young.
Lee. Robert Young Lee.
Are you named after Robert E. Lee? He is.
Robert Redford, man. You're a direct descendant of Robert E.
Lee. My dad loved Robert Redford and Steve McQueen.
And my brother Steve McQueen. And I'm Robert Redford.
Are you really? Yeah. What color is Robert Redford's hair? Your hair.
Mm-hmm. Ha-ka-ka.
Ha-ka-ka. Yeah.
Have you ever met Robert Redford? No. Is he still alive? He's still alive, right? Yeah, I went to Sundance.
Uh-oh. Here we go.
This is in the late 90s. You're going to like this.
Sundance is his, that's his festivities, right? Yeah. And I go up with my friend Tracy to see her brother's film and we go out to one, you know It's not all in one location, so we go out to this one remote area to see this film.

There's a few of them there, and Robert Redford's there, right?

And these people are asking him for his autograph, and he's just saying,

no, I'm not going to give autographs, but I'll give you tickets to any show you want to see.

And this guy comes up to him and is like, hey, can I get your autograph?

He's like, again, I'm not giving autographs, but I'll give you tickets to any show you want to see.

And he goes, well, you dropped your credit card, and I I got it and on the back of that credit card is your signature and I really want your autograph he's like I'm not gonna give you my autograph I'll just give you a ticket he's like I'm gonna keep your credit card and he's like okay he kept Robert Rafferty's credit card he had to go cancel that shit he refused yeah I like that guy how smart is that I like the guy that kept the card Yeah, I like that guy. Which guy? How smart is that? I like the guy that kept the card.
Yeah, I like that guy. I would have never thought.
I'm like, oh, yeah. I don't sign the back.
Do you sign the back of your credit card? No. I've never signed anything.
He doesn't know where credit cards are. I don't know what signing is.
I don't know. Where would you sign in the front where the numbers are? Yeah, you sign right over the number.
Oh, I didn't know. Right on top.
With one of those Sharpies? Yeah, Sharpies. Yeah, that's what I'll do.
B-Lee on the front. B-Lee.
Dude, I saw, first of all, welcome back from Australia. All right, first of all.
Say it. Listen, when you were gone, I fucking held down.
You missed me. I don't know.
Say you missed me. I missed you.
I love you. And you're my friend.
I missed you. You look like you lost some weight.
I have not even eating. I know.
You look like you lost some weight. Okay.
Thank you. Stop with the hand up at me.
What? I'm back. Look what I'm doing.
Smile at me. Spock it, dude.
Yeah, I'm spocking it. Spock it up.
Okay. Don't spock me.
So I fucking did an all Korean episode. Loved it.
I did an all Mexican episode. Loved it.
I did a bunch of shit. You're no longer allowed to do movies.
Okay. It's enough.
I did Borderlands. i was gone for two months right yeah you did this

one you're right efron right no more movies efron and john cena okay and i just got offered another movie today no yeah just got offered another one are you gonna say yeah well let me tell you who's in it oh brad pitt oh my fucking god george clooney you ready for the last one you ready Margot Robbie

and me

wow

those three

and me

you're the valet

in the movie you ready for the last one? You ready? Margot Robbie.

And me.

Wow.

Those three and me.

You're the valet in this movie.

Can I have your keys?

First of all, the line is,

are the keys in the car?

No.

How many lines is that?

Is the car still running?

I didn't know the line.

Really?

No, there's not a movie.

I'm kidding.

Okay, thank you.

Thank God, because I was about to,

you know what I mean? But the look in his eyes, dude, it's just for that. For the moment of him panicking.
I was like, God damn, Santino. No, it's not a movie okay okay thank god because i was about to you know but the look in his eyes dude it's just for that for the moment of him panicking no it's not because i want no i want you to work dude i'm just saying that like panicking like because that movie is gonna be shot in new zealand and i have to do five more without you i know i'm not doing that again i'm back and we're going on tour and who hasn't promoted the tour you god it's insane oh my god we're doing we're doing we're doing 30 some odd cities i called you and i told you there's an over under in comedy right now on how many cities you all actually make 14 we're going to all them we're going to all them and the first one is going to be vancouver that's this week and then we go to oklahoma city Then we do St.
Louis, Kansas City. I mean, we're going to all of them.
We're going to all of them. And the first one is going to be Vancouver this week.
And then we go to Oklahoma city. Then we do St.
Louis, Kansas city. I mean, we're everywhere.
We're everywhere. You gotta go.
You gotta come see. We got such a great show plan and we're on a bus and I can't wait to be on the bus with my boy.
But let me tell you about some of my experiences in Australia real quick. Cause I had such a fun time and I want to fill you in.
Did I eat kangaroo with John Cena and drink Guinness? Yeah. You better believe it.
You better eat kangaroo what part of the kangaroo is that like deer it tastes dude exactly it's all muscle it's gamey it's super gamey no no no but honestly you never eat animals that hop you never eat animals that hop yeah that's a korean proverb that's why you don't eat frogs and shit wait bunnies what about rabbit what about rabbits we don't eat rabbits dude they song, Santoki. It's about the fucking rabbit.
This is real? Yeah. Santoki, Toki.
Oh, yes. Odinen ga nunya.
I mean, it's about the fucking rabbit. Santoki, Toki.
Odinen ga nunya. Yeah, dude.
In fact, let me see. This is the fucking truth, right? During the Korean War, the North, the communists, they wouldn't get shot if they hopped.

Shot?

No, that's what I got.

All you have to do is hop, and the other Koreans would be like, no, don't shoot.

Okay.

Kangaroo.

Bullshit.

Kangaroo. It's an old fucking thing, bro.

What's so funny?

Don't eat things that hop.

We don't eat things that hop.

Frogs, rabbits, kangaroos.

Rabbits.

Rabbit.

Frogs. Cats.
Cats. Cats kind of hop.
Gay people. Gay people.
They hop. You can't eat them either.
You can't eat them. You cannot eat those guys.
What else? What else? Oh, somebody with one leg. Yeah, he's hopping.
He's hopping for sure. You know he's hopping.
Yeah, he's hopping. I guess that's a good Korean proverb.
It's a great one. But yes, I did.
I did have kangaroo and it was very, was very very good i liked it a lot of people don't like it but i i liked it do you quality you fucking bastard first of all dude let me inform you guy who's uninformed i at first i thought should i feel bad about eating this i looked it up statistics three to one three to one kangaroo to people in australia they can't wait to get rid of those fucking things. They're,

you know,

when you're like,

I can't wait to see one.

Then you see 40,000.

You're like,

fuck these things.

Get them out of here. No,

really?

They're everywhere.

You gotta be kidding me.

They're everywhere,

dude.

So they're like cats?

Where?

Where are cats all over?

What are you talking about?

You know,

those islands were like,

see what world he lives in.

No,

I saw a documentary where there was an island.

Cat Island?

Yeah.

Like in Japan or whatever.

Is there such thing as Cat Island,

Carlos?

Yeah.

It's an island in Japanese Island.

Thank you. No, I saw a documentary where there was an island.
Cat Island? Yeah, yeah. Like in Japan or whatever.
Is there such thing as Cat Island, Carlos? Yeah, it's an island, Japanese island. Yeah, but that's because the Japanese did that because they like cute shit.
I don't know, man. Island of a kitty.
They love that. They made that.
That was every – We put them on island and coffee shop. They charge people.
You know what I mean? They have one here in LA. No, that's a cat cafe.
no that's a cat cafe that's cat cafe yeah that's different have you paid i paid for one in la your house is i have three cats but i still paid to go to that so stupid that's so dumb the coffee's great isn't that good no in in australia they're all over the place and and i went to go see a tasmanian devil and by the way i learned why they call them tasmanian devils they're ugly as shit these fucking things they're so ugly yeah but when these when the english people came down there to pick out where they were going to drop off their prisoners because it was in tasmania at port arthur which is the biggest the first penal colony by the way the british how stupid are these people they want to dump off their criminals in a place that's supposed to be like treacherous and around the world. Tasmanian, one of the prettiest fucking places I've ever seen.
Wow. Great weather down there.
So the Brits are in shitty rain, gloomy weather. And they're like, I don't teach him to fucking prisoners.
And they left them on a beautiful Island. It was, it's stunning.
It's so pretty. But when you drop off prisoners on an island, what do you do?

To the prisoners?

No, what do the prisoners do?

Party.

They party.

It was open air prisons, by the way.

So it was just like Coachella.

It was Coachella.

It was Coachella.

Yeah, yeah. It was basically Coachella.

Coachella.

You know what I mean?

That's what it was.

But then, do they build houses and stuff?

I don't know.

Yeah, they built a life down there.

Yeah.

And now it's a fully functioning society. It's incredible.
No, but the Tasmanian Devil is called that because when the Brits came down there, when they're young and they are, I mean, not just when they're young, but when they're in breeding, when they're in breeding, they make this noise. It's unmistakable.
It's so creepy. You hear it.
It's like, it's so weird. Whoa.
And they do this heavily at night too when they're breeding. So the British came at night on boats and they would go onto this fucking wooded island and all they heard was echoing in the woods.
I'd be so scared. Well, dude, they thought it was ghosts and witches and they were like, it's ghosts and evil spirits.
So that's why they were like, put the fucking criminals with the ghosts and the evil spirits. Whoa.
They're these little tiny bullshit animals. They're little tiny.
Yeah. Although they will fuck you up.

They can bite.

So you saw one?

Yeah.

I saw a guy.

He fed one of the handlers, like fed it, you know,

like roadkill.

And he fed it in front of everyone.

And he said the jaw is so strong,

it can break through human bone.

Okay, I was going to ask you, raccoon or Tasmanian?

But now I know Tasmanian devil.

Honey badger.

Honey badger, right.

What would win? Honey badger or Tasmanian devil? If Tasmanian got its mouth on it. No, no, honey badger.
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If the Tasmanian got its mouth on it. Tasmanian can't kill snake.
What? That's another Korean proverb. Sing that song.
It's not a song. It's a proverb.
Sing the song. All right.
Tasmanian can't kill snake. No, no.
Do it in Korean.

I only know the English version, right?

With the broken accent.

That's the thing.

He does the English version with the broken accent.

Frank Sinatra did a fucking English version.

Oh, he did?

Yeah.

Tasmania, don't eat snake, yeah.

His Frank Sinatra, one of the best I've ever heard.

Ever.

It was terrible. It was fucking terrible.

Baby blue eyes.

Yeah, baby blue eyes.

It was terrible.

I tried that.

No, but they're tiny, but they're little vicious assholes.

But I'm telling you, the jaw, the strength of them is insane.

He can look it up.

They can literally break through your femur.

They could bite and crack your leg in half.

So can you have one as a pet?

You would never.

Why?

Why?

Well, can you have one as a pet? You would never. Why? Can you have an alligator as a pet? You would never though.
That's what I'm saying. You could have anything as a pet.
But can I say something though? Can I say something? If you live in Dubai. No, no, no.
How about that? If you're one of those guys where they have fucking tigers that roam around their castle. I'm going to say something controversial.
Givemanian is a living species right right and so they might have the same ailments that some human beings have like diabetes even worse what like aids no like you know spinal bifida oh they got their spiny bifida yeah a little spiny devil had spinal bifida and muscular dystrophy. Oh, so the Tasmanian muscular dystrophy.
Yeah. And so it's not as wild.
Right. It's back hurts like Ryan, you know.
It's more docile. Yeah, it's more docile.
And maybe blind in one eye, you know what I mean? You could probably have one of those. A blind eye, blind Tasmanian devil with muscular dystrophy? Yeah.
Not one that's fully like, you know what I mean, functioning. Yeah.
Okay. Carlos, see if you can Google one of those for the tour bus.
See if we can get one of those things on the bus. Have you been on a bus before? I have on Segura's bus.
Yeah. Well, you know his bus is nice for sure.
It's not going to be like our bus. Don't whatever you got on his bus ain't going to be like that with our bus, buddy.
Really? We have to get it. You know how like a propeller plane, you have to get the thing going?

We have to push the bus to get it to roll the startup.

We got a discount bus, dude.

You got an old school bus.

It's a kickstart.

You literally have to just.

Is there no floor and we have to do it like the Flintstones?

How nice was Segura's tour bus?

Oh, my God, dude.

So nice. Yeah.
And I like his security guy. Both of them.
The one from Austin, I mean, with shaved head and the goatee. Hey, another thing.
Don't forget, we have no security on our bus. Oh, we don't? No, we have that little skinny.
It's fucking Carlos. We have the emo guy.
Who? Brandon Derman's friend. McCone.
McCone, yeah. Well, he's not going to be on security.
He weighs like 100 fucking pounds. McCone.
Right? You're going to do security too, right? Look at him. It's me and McCone McCone yeah McCone McCone he weighs like 100 fucking pounds McCone you're gonna do security too right look at him it's me and McCone where I come from that's called a warning that guy goes out to get away hey guys we'd like you to get away we'd like you to would you we're gonna fuck you up first listen guys I'm not gonna have to tell you again don't let me tell you twice.
That's the first guy. What's the food like in Australia?

Okay.

Melbourne.

Melbourne.

One of the greatest cities on planet Earth.

Okay.

I liked Sydney.

It was fun, but Sydney was a city I recognized.

Do you know what I mean?

Melbourne was so fucking cool.

So many of yous.

So many Asians.

No.

No.

Same age.

So many fucking Asians.

It was insane.

And so many different kinds of Asian food. It was phenomenal did you get recognized i did a lot enough enough for what your ego no just enough where it was just enough you felt good well it was nice because i'm around the world it was nice to be like whoa dude fans here is fucking awesome i did a couple of shows i did two shows sold them out 600 seats apiece 500 bang bang bang bang pretty good it was awesome.
I did a couple of shows. I did two shows, sold them out.
600 seats apiece, 500. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Pretty good. It was fucking fun.
I did get recognized once in a while. The coolest thing to be recognized was by restauranteurs.
When a chef would come out because you came into the restaurant, that was way cooler because it was like, Mr. Santino, we're happy that you're in the restaurant.
Can we get you some stuff? And I'm like, yeah, you can get me some stuff. She's so gross.
No, fuck you, man. It was so fun.
You know what you said? No, I wasn't recognized. I went to McDonald's.
I didn't listen to you. Why would I go to McDonald's in fucking, no.
That's true, but you know. No, I had a great time and the food was so good.
So many different kinds of like Asian fusion, which is nice. Because I know you guys up there, you guys don't talk to each other.
But down there, man, they all get along. What do you mean? Up there.
Up there. We're all the Asian.
You think there's a China heaven and a Korean heaven separated? Tell me there's not. I'm pretty sure there is.
You guys are absolutely not going to the same place. I know.
Exactly. Yeah.
You're in your own place. Yeah.
But we're on different clouds. Yeah.
Different crowd. It's a different crowd for a different cloud.
I wasn't sure if he said it. I was confused i thought he was saying you thought i said crowd i thought you were saying crowd i was saying cloud different crowd where are they oh different crowd crowd nine yeah what so you were right maybe there are separations up 100 there's a separation for sure there's a north korea cloud and a south korea cloud in heaven uh or are we the same cloud i would argue one of those doesn't get a crowd see this is interesting to me i didn't where i come from racism it was baltimore was white and black yeah then i moved to la and i didn't realize that black people and brown people had a problem with each other and i was like this is interesting isn't that funny to learn and then i learned about the asian hierarchy brother from a japanese guy i worked with and he we used to have we used to work with this really pretty uh korean girl and he was japanese sorry you said pretty pretty korean uh-huh okay and um he would always say she's a dog and we're You're like, what said pretty? Pretty.
Korean? Uh-huh. Okay, go ahead.
And he would always say, she's a dog.

And we're like, what?

You don't find her attractive?

He's like, no.

And then he explained to us that Japanese,

they feel that they're the premier Asian race

and that Koreans are the dogs.

And went into this whole hierarchy of racism

among the Asians.

And as a white guy, I was like, I'm just going to sit back and watch this and enjoy this right here. You know what the irony is? They all eat dog.
So that's a strange... She's a dog.
She's a dog. She's a dog.
He's just handing out dogs. You get a dog.
You get a dog. All right.
It's a joke. Relax, Bob.
No, after the podcast, write his name down for me.

I still remember it.

It's very Japanese.

Interesting. I still remember.

Yeah.

In the 1940s, this is them.

And then just nuclear shout out.

Okay?

Nuclear shout out.

Man, I'm so happy to be back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm so happy to be back.

I love you.

No, hey, hey, hey.

I'll see you next time. nuclear shout out okay man i'm so happy to be back yeah i'm so happy to be back i love you no hey hey be nice you guys all like each other i love it there is dude the the the levels of hate between asians is not that bad yes it is wow let me tell you something because i made the mistake of calling a restaurant another i went to go to and like a fusion place and i mistook what it was and the server gave me the fucking like no so i'm the server okay okay yeah man this is some this might be some of the best uh some of the best like filipino food i think i've i've ever had oh this is a good crowd i just have to throw out thank you though did you say fil Filipino? Is this not a Filipino fusion? I thought that's No What is this? We are Thai This is Thai Yeah Now what is the difference? Filipino They put mud in the food They put mud in the food Mud and rock mud in the food? Yeah, mud and rock.

Oh, mud, pie, and rocks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Because they said kind of something similar about you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was like a little kind of like.

That sketch didn't go over well, did it?

No.

I got that it was a Thai restaurant, but what was the accent?

Because I went in for crowd, that laugh, and it threw me off. I know you landed the crowd that got a laugh the crowd landed very well no but the food was phenomenal uh the culture was very cool it was cool like see also the thing i learned down there this you'll find this interesting uh because of you know america does this better than anybody but it was nice to see other people do it you know how there's a law or a rule but we'll do something to skirt around it do you know what i mean and it's all just accepted and even the law won't change because even even the law is like it's pretty good they found a fucking loophole you know like in chicago you can't smoke in bars anymore right but if you're a proprietor and you own the building you can smoke in bars in australia no no in chicago so like we have these but australia so years and years ago um there was a log in serving alcohol on private establishments after a certain hour of the day and you know they used to have all these like strict rules about it so what they do what they did was they named these places hotels so most things are called hotels right like uh the uh you know it'll be like the lamier hotel or the napier hotel and all the shit when i first saw it i was like we fucking hold there's a hotel on every corner right why and they're only like a story tall or maybe two and they told me that that was the way around it that when they would when they registered it they registered the bars as hotels and all they would need was at least one room upstairs for a patron to be able to sleep in so if cops or authority came they'd go

no no no they're guests of the hotel they're staying at the hotel oh wow so they could

privately serve booze so when you go around melbourne you'll go to the all these little

tiny hotels they're just bars and lounges can i can i rent the room or no you can't

what just cuz oh okay yeah yeah they would give it to someone like me no you could though no there

is some of those places do have rooms yeah but you wouldn't it'd be like it'd be like going to

I'm not going to a bar here in LA and then it'd be like renting a joke space. You wouldn't do it.
You live there. Why would you rent a hotel? But there are actual hotels, real nice hotels that also have nice bars.
So it's this weird juxtaposition. But most of the time the bar is just a bar.
Called a hotel. But you have to admit you were bored at some time.
Bored? Yeah. Never, not once.
You called me and said you were. I called you in confidence.
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That's betterhelp.com, betterhelp.com slash badfriends. I'm losing my mind.
There's nothing to do. You know what i mean like i was losing my mind a few times you know what it was i told sickle this too i was losing my mind because it's so far there there a couple of days i was getting stoned taking long beautiful walks and it hit me that i'm like so fucking far away from home oh so far like a new level of far a nine day boat ride you know what i mean where you're like this is fucking forever like if the plane isolated and sad you probably missed your wife i missed i missed the comforts of home in the weirdest way yeah you know what i really missed australia these motherfuckers and their toilets dude have the worst toilet they're the water level in here you know how we fill that bitch up with what we fill that bitch up with water so when you put my poop better fall into kaboom i better kaboom yeah out there the water line a little baby water line yeah so you hit the bowl every time you shit every time you shit you leave scrapes shit small then huh shit small that's your that's your new net buy bobby's that's why i do rabbit i do a little rabbit pellets.
No, that's because you need to drink water. Can you control your chips? Can you use your sphincter as a cut? You cut it into pieces.
Like it's a pasta cutter? Yes. That's what you do.
You cut, you cut, you cut by tightening it. You can't do that.
I do do it. If you cut, cut, cut.
The moment you cut, it's going back up in. You've got to let that whole load in.
Half of it goes back in, but you're going to cut that other part. You might not get that out, though.
What do you mean? That other half goes back up. It might just be up in there far enough where it doesn't come back out.
That's why you put air in your stomach. It's a machine.
What the fuck? You store a fart in the stomach. Now I got to bring luggage? Store it up.
So you cut the poo, right? That's a lot going on. And then you use the fart to bring it back out, and you cut some more.
You guys don't even know that? What are you guys, stupid? The poop is in line. The poop is like in line to get into a nightclub.
Yeah. Right.
It has to go in. If you don't let in, it's going to go home.
It's turn your shit away it's gonna go i'm gonna go home i'm not waiting to get out let's go nightclub nightclub analogy okay okay you people are in groups us three right we're in nightclub line right and then you have three mexicans i just arbitrary okay they're not gonna put all six in right they put you guys are three together you guys come in cut right so you guys are three together. You guys come in.
Cut, right? So you're saying. Now the three Mexicans are like, what the fuck is going on, bro? So what you're saying is send the Mexicans back home.
That's what you're trying to say, aren't you? No, but that's what you're trying to say. Go back to your country is what Bobby's trying to say.
He sends the Mexicans back home. So white people do it in one thing.
I'm just learning something new. White people take, yes, we take a shit.
We get it out. You get all of it out.
What are you saving it for?

I'm not saving it because in the Australia situation, when you have a little water.

You're doing it in installments.

Lay away.

No.

Lay away.

You shit in lay away. I'm in there to empty it.

If I could get every demon out of me at that moment, that's the idea.

I'm like a rapper when he gets a bonus check.

It's all coming out.

Oh, it's coming out.

Yeah, you're saving. You're saving.
I'm spending all of that cash. maybe i don't know i mean maybe i'm doing it wrong so do you think this is a white thing you think do you think many other koreans would do this yeah i think koreans we use it and we cut it in little pieces really cute pieces it's gotta look cute i like i like shitting on my i like shitting on my own toilet so much that i'll save it like if i feel it coming, I'm like, I can make it 30 minutes to get home, and I'll save it.
Why? Because home is so much better than someone. So much better.
It's just you know your toilet. It knows you.
Yeah. There's comfort there.
I've got everything. I know I need it there.
Baby wipes are there. I've got my grooves laid in.
I know exactly where I fit. The fucking bidet is there.
My squatty potty is there. It's all there.
I like doing it in gas it in like gas stations what yeah you like that and then you take your time in those filthy fuck that's where i'm trying to get shit and get that's where shit yeah because it's like you know you don't leave the residue of you know when you poo you leave a little residue of smell you do you don't i don't smell that's insane yes you leave a little smell okay thank you that's you just said. Okay.
Stop saying stuff like that. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you leave a little residue of smell? A little something, something.
Yeah, my house never has the residue, man. What do you mean? Are you flushing also? You're pooping flush.
Poop flush? Poop flush. When you cut it.
Are you flushing every time? Are you flushing after you cut every turn? Of course. What? Yeah.
Are you serious? It's like an elevator.

It's an elevator.

First group comes in, you flush.

They get to the floor.

Another group comes in, flush.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, why?

One and done.

One and gone.

No, no, no.

Let it ride.

That's why you get a hydro flush.

The ones that suck a fart right out of your ass.

Those things are my favorites.

Do you do this with diarrhea?

Or do you just let that all go?

Oh, that's a completely different ball game, my friend course i cut there too of course i do it's challenging of course you do little squirt flush little squirt flush i get this that actually made this thank you so much but in australia by the way i found myself talking to other people because i we we were like all talking I was like, I hit the bowl every time. And I said, I feel like no one's coming over.
But even for myself, I feel like I had to scrape it away. Yeah.
Multiple times I had to clean off the bowl because the water didn't get up that high. And even when I flushed, I'm thinking, that'll take care of it.
Did not. It did not.
Wow. Until I got to the hotel and the hotel had the toto Japanese toilet shout out to the greatest toilet ever fucking made I don't know that what is it my brother it's the one that has a heated seat this motherfucker dude it heats up in the middle of the night when you go up to pee it's Japanese you know it's Japanese because they're on a different crowd yeah exactly you've never tried Korean what are Korean toilets like they do more what do they do that japanese they do it vibrates too yeah the korean ones have have a scissors that comes out and cuts for you you don't have to cut yeah in fact there's like a little um like a little robotic you know nanobot right that comes out it's like a cup.
It takes a little poo.

Takes it away.

There's no splash.

There's no splash.

So the Japanese, they're all right.

But the Koreans, man, it's good.

I like the splash, though.

The perfect splash.

When that fucking splash goes right back up into your sphincter and lubricates it.

And not only cleans it,

lubes it for that next one. So you have a poor man's bidet yeah yeah that's a poor man's bidet i'm telling you those japanese toilets when i came home i great we got on the internet and i'm ordering one it warms the seat also it has so you don't have night lights like in our house when we redid the bathroom um the guy was like hey the outlets on the wall now can come with little baby lights as like a little nightlight almost to illuminate at night.
It's amazing. And I was like, oh, that's great.
This toilet, when you get near it, has a glow ring below it. And when it feels you, it glows the toilet.
So you can just see the toilet in the bathroom at night. So you don't have to turn on lights to wake up somebody else in the room.
It's fucking amazing. The seat's always nice and warm's got two angles of bidet two mine has a two at home you have a double bidet double it has a blue led light when i walk in late at night right the seat gets warms but i still have the fucking little fucking robotic thing too see you are in a different crowd next level dude you are next level i'm ordering one of those things i've they were incredible change my at home? Yeah, I have a bidet, but there's nothing like the poor man's bidet.
Yeah, no, the poor man's bidet is number one. Yeah, but the poo is making the water, so the water has a little poo in it.
You like it? My ass has poo in it. Oh, that's true.
That's true. That's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean.
Right. Anyway.
I guess you guess you're right. Theoretically.
Anyway. Theoretically, yeah.
Anyway, well, let's stop talking about poop. I know, me too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a phenomenal time down there.
I did miss you. I missed you a lot.
I called you a lot. I know.
I called you a lot because I missed you very much and I wanted to say hi very often. The hours were so different.
The hours were great, six day so it was great for me because when it was you know around 10 a.m you know i knew that was the afternoon here it was great so he'd be up it was kind of for the first time ever we were on let's say we were cycling yeah same there because most of the time here i have to wait till three or four to hit you up yeah and even still you put on read quietly i don't do that delivered quietly stop fucking doing. Stop fucking doing that.
It pisses me off. I'm going to say something really honest.
Yeah. I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Calm down and just explain it. Dude, this is our entire relationship.
Just explain it. When I text you, it will say notifications turned off by Bobby or whatever, and it'll say delivered quietly, meaning you won't get the pop-up on your phone.

So you won't know until you open up our text.

It doesn't vibrate.

It doesn't ding.

It doesn't do anything.

It just comes into your phone.

I literally thought my phone was broken.

You have it set to that.

You said it to that.

I didn't know that you could do that.

You did it.

Somehow somebody did it on your phone.

I'm going to have to change it.

Yeah, because you'll say delivered quietly.

I was going to go to fucking Verizon and go, can I get a new phone that's broken?

Well, do that anyway. Your phone is broken.
It is broken. Yeah.
You go can i get a new phone that's broken we'll do that anyway your phone is broken it is broken yeah you do need to get so why do people do that like quietly because that's when at night well ninjas would love that yeah don't you think ninjas with the iphone ninja yeah yeah because you know when they're in the tree a ninja calling another ninja he's got ninjas in trees right now what where else are they gonna be where do they live Yeah, where do they live? That's the first place he went to. Yeah.
The ninjas are always in a tree. Like there's a tree house.
Or, you know, on a ceiling. Not on the rooftop.
That's where I wanna go. They have the blowguns in that.
Moms calling. Right.
They're about to assassinate. Blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum, blum.
Yeah, it gives them away. Right? The people look up and go, oh, they're ninja.
Right? That's why probably they have the sound. And they get back to the base, and the boss ninja is like, put on deliver quietly.
You gave our location away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, what is that for, though? At nighttime, if you don't want to be disturbed by text messages and stuff, if you want to tune out and turn off, you put on the deliver notification. Carlos knows.
He's the fucking tech guy. When you're on a date, you don't want other girls blowing up your phone.
Oh, Carlos went on a date and he doesn't want other girls blowing up his phone and see another girl go, who's that? That's a Carlos move. Or like a DM or something like that.
Are you dating a lot right now, by the way? I mean, I'm going on dates. Can we tell the fans about the amount of glory hole requests this guy's gotten? Oh, yeah.
I've gotten a lot. A lot of emails about the glory holes.
I had people reaching out thinking it was their glory hole. They were like, oh, I think I know that one.
Remember he went to the glory hole in West Hollywood? Of course I remember them. We think he thinks that he found the people that he went to.
Yeah, they're like, me and my wife had one. And then when we talked about sex clubs, we got an invite to another one.
You and I did? Yeah. You never fucking said.
Yeah, I know. When do you get invited to sex clubs? Don't tell me.
Well, it's like every weekend we can go. Okay, where's it at? Beverly Hills.
And how much money is it? I think we can roll in for free. And what do I need to bring? Just your dick.
Oh, I got to leave. It's at the shop.
I can't win. I can't sit at the shop.
No, really, I have to bring my dick, and then what? Do I have to? I think we're good, because I think they're fans. I think they're watching right now.
You want to try just for fun? Yeah. Okay, let's try for fun.
Why would you say no? Of course you should go. Yeah, yeah.
I've never been to one. I get nervous.
Most people haven't. Right, right.
You talk about it. Have you been to a sex club? I've never been to a sex club, but when I first moved here, I worked at a hotel, and this dude would come in he was uh he was lapd's bad boy and this dude would always roll in with two prostitutes nice and he was the nicest guy to us and he would invite us out to these things and what he would do he was a rich kid his dad made the money surprise surprise and he would rent a mansion in beverly hills or up in the hollywood hills and then throw a sex party and It was like eyes wide shut in the sense that we could come, but you're not partaking.
You might be able to meet up with someone at the party, but it was like Israeli soldiers standing next to this room in a velvet rope. And then here's a guy and a girl fucking.
And here's a threesome. And here's whatever.
And each room had something different, live sexual act going on while you mingled and you did this you went to this i went to it i didn't partake or anything but i was yeah we all went to it from the hotel like we all rolled together so but when you're there you just you're stoned or you're having a drink you're hanging out at any point are you trying to hook up with anybody you're trying to talk to anybody you can to the people who are there at the party i'm saying you did you no no you just chilled oh yeah i you were high i was high but also like this is the shit when i'm growing up as a kid this is what you hear hollywood is like and then you get to go to one of these you're like oh my god it's fucking real they really do have they really have these what do you buy annual beats uh online or at uh what's the store what's the one store that we've sent you guys to go get stuff to? Hustler. Yeah, Hustler.

Hustler, yeah.

He buys them a Hustler.

Bed Bath & Beyond should have them.

In the Beyond department.

Yeah, that's it.

There should be a fucking area in Bed Bath & Beyond where it's a little risque.

Beyond should be insane.

Beyond should be insane.

When you go to a Bed Bath & Beyond, there's no Beyond department.

Oh, that's funny.

You've never been invited. Wait, there is one? Mm-hmm.
Is it a white people thing? Mm-hmm. So when I go to bed, what, can I put prosthetics on and go in? I don't know.
We'd have to change those eyes, buddy. Yes, the eyes are used.
We could say we got high. You know what I mean? Like, I can go, let's say I'm fucking high, man.
You know what I mean? They go, I don, man? Some high Korean dude trying to get in here today. Can we get in the Beyond Department, bro? I don't know, man.
That ninja two-man-chew is getting away. We don't let white people like that in either.
No, you don't? That's too much. All right, all right, fine.
Fuck. So what's in the Beyond Department? It's for us to learn, man.
Oh, fuck! Please tell me! It's hard, man. I'm sorry.
We signed a thing years ago. You think we want to lose our 20% off coupons? You know who sneaks in? Who? Carlos, because they think he's a white.
Oh, that's right. A white.
They think he's a white. I like him too, but...
By the way, and Bryce, he's too white. When he goes there, they're like, get the fuck out of here, dude.
I think Bryce walks into anywhere and people are like, are this just the cops? Like he's an informant or something? Doesn't he look like an informant? 100%. You look like somebody we wouldn't trust.
Bryce either looks like he works for the feds or he's a school shooter. Oh, that's true.
No, he's like a sniper guy. Oh, sniper.
That's what I meant. Sorry, that's what I meant.
Carlos may be school. School, yeah.
We should maybe not talk about school shooting. No, not now.
Not now. By the way, Bryce, good to see you.
It's been a long time. We haven't seen you in a while.
Appreciate it. What? He said, I appreciate it, but that's the way I like him.
Minimal talk out of that guy. I love you, Bryce.
It's very good to see you. It's been a long time.
You're still tall. I was hoping you'd shrink.
This guy, he's domineering. You know what I mean? Like, because I don't know.
That's the thing about like tall, lanky guys, especially tall, lanky white guys. You don't know.
He could snap in a minute and go nuts. I'm on a crate right now.
Oh, he is? Yeah. I am.
No, I don't know. That's why I was the same height.
When I was playing, remember when I first started playing Stardew Valley yeah and I didn't know how to fish oh that was me that was me I know it that's why I'm saying it thank you slow down be nice I'm sorry I love you I mean that was me that was me I taught you how to fish in Stardew Valley I need to start relax well he gets excited that's what I mean about not getting into the Beyonce but he was so he was so patient with me yeah he just because i used to i thought it had to do with like the repetitive you know mean button pushing no he goes it's just very casual man you just kind of flow with it you gotta flow with it yeah you don't be a good dad you don't video games he is a dad oh you are no no he's not dude do you not know what the show is yes i'm a dad fucking welcome to show. This is why we don't have him around anymore.
I know, I know. Because at least Pete will go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He'll just agree. And when you call George or Andreas, you always hear a baby in the background crying.
I love it. And by the way, Fancy, our boy Fancy and the baby.
I was checking in with him to see how everything is going, and it's not good. It's not good.
She's leaving him 100%. Yeah.
He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know like i i gave the baby sambuca and i was like don't give the fucking baby sambuca dude you're out of your mind man he doesn't know what he's fucking doing yeah he doesn't know what he's doing you don't video game right no not anymore see you know what's so funny is like he's tried multiple times to get me back into it and it's just hard for me and it's not because like it's not like thing.
I've got a couple, I could do it a couple hours at night or something like that. But every time I've tried, this is the, sounds like old man shit.
It's, it's daunting. Too many buttons, too much stuff to do.
I just want old school. Old school, I can do AB, you know what I mean? But he tried to show me.
We were through Warzone one day. Oh my God.
With a bunch of like really good guys, you know what I mean? He put me on like the best Warzone people that play the game. Yeah, yeah.
They're probably real snipers and shit. Yeah, yeah, dude.
No, but I literally look at Andrew's character and he's. Yeah.
I have the gun pointed at the. Spinning in a circle, right? I was my gun.
They're coming. They're coming.
And he's just spinning in a circle. I was, like, so stressful.
I got one kill. I got one kill.
No, you didn't. I did.
No, you didn't. Yes, I did.
This is what happened. You know how in Warzone, you hit somebody and they can fall, right? He didn't finish it off.
Somebody else finished it off. Yeah, I know, but I shot him off the building.
I know. But isn't that count partially? I shot him and he fell off the thing.
You maimed somebody. Congratulations.
It's called maiming? Yeah, yeah. Sick.
At least I fucking maimed. Yeah.
And our team won, by the way. Yeah, because I had the best guys in the country play with us.
I think it was you and I. No, what's not? I think me pointing the gun at the crowds helped.
And after that, I was like, I don't think this is Andrew's thing. Yeah, you didn't have the patience to learn.
You're like, fuck this shit. I didn't.
It's just too complex. Also, I also know me.
I know I'll get addicted and I'll be you because with anything, like golf, I'm obsessed. It's like, if I get into a thing, I'm going to be addicted like you and then I'll spend so much time.
I'll be you because with anything like golf, I'm obsessed. It's like if I get into a thing, I'm going to be addicted like you and then I'll spend so much time, I'll be wasting more time than having fun.
I'll just be addicted to not having fun. You know what I mean? I used to play back in the day.
We do Halo and all that. I used to love Halo.
But we would be up till fucking, I'd look over and I'm like, the sun's coming up. I'd have to call in sick to work and shit.'m not gonna be there yeah it's bad yeah for me it's like i'm playing hot works and i've passed it with four houses jesus i know it's insane what are you talking about what do the houses do what do you mean what are the houses why do you say the houses because you as a kid when you create a character you have to you know they put the hat on no dude i do nothing it.
You ever see Harry Potter the movie? I've never watched one. What? Are you fucking kidding me? I haven't either.
That's insane. We're about to start.
A couple of adult males. No, it's not adult males.
A couple of adult males, never seen it. To me, it's insane.
Okay. It's like, I don't know who Selena is.
Of course, I know who the fuck that was. Thank you.
She's dead. She died? Yeah.
You really don't know anything about Harry Potter. I told you more than.
Okay, so basically. I know more than I should know.
I told you the names of the things. So basically in Harry Potter, right, when you first go as a new student, right, a hat chooses your house.
Wait a minute. Hat chooses.
So, so, so a hat is a room of hats.

No,

one hat.

Okay.

So there's one fucking hat per person.

No.

Oh,

one guy's a hat.

There's one hat.

There's only one hat.

That's unsanitary.

Yeah,

right.

Everyone wears the same.

No COVID protocols or anything like that.

What's going on?

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

So you put on a hat and it tells you.

So basically in the ceremony,

a bunch of kids are there and they'll,

like,

they'll go,

Ron Weasley,

come up.

Ron Weasley will sit down. They put a hat on his head and the hat has a mouth and little eyes.
Little Asian eyes, huh? He's like, whoa, this is Gryffindor and the Gryffindor claps. Ron Weasley leaves, right? And then they put another kid on the fucking stool and put the hat on.
So the hat tells you where you go to live. Yeah.
But that's based on what?

What does the hat fucking know?

It's a hat.

Yeah, because each house has a,

you know, like Gryffindor is about like exploring, right?

They're like explorers.

Slytherin are like people that are like greed or whatever.

So you're Slytherin.

No.

What are you?

Gryffindor.

You're Slytherin.

No, you're Slytherin.

You're Slytherin.

You're Slytherin too.

You can't say it to me when I just said it to you.

All right.

You're Ravenclaw.

Fine.

And what is he?

Hufflepuff.

100%.

Look at him.

Yeah, he's an explorer.

Wait, what's Hufflepuff?

Gryffindor is the explorers.

What's Hufflepuff?

The lazy ones.

Oh, shit.

I mean, Hufflepuff does sound like the old Korean groundskeeper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's no longer that.

There are no Hufflepuff people in the movie.

They just mention it in the movies. It's Sickler and a bunch of old Korean groundskeepers in Hufflepuff.
That's so strange that you guys don't know like a very big pop cultural thing. Well, I know of it.
We know the elements that we needed to know. We know she was a bigot against trans people.
We knocked that out of the park. I know that fucking Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and the girl, Hermione.
Whoa, that's great. I know, but the names, this is what I'm talking about.
In a cultural zeitgeist, I know what I need to know from a framework standpoint of view. I don't need to know the fucking hat that talks.
Let me ask you some questions. What? This is very important.
Sure. There's a game that they play.
Quidditch. Quidditch.
Wow, that's amazing. Because I took my nieces to the ride at Universal.
I did the ride with them. Let me ask you, this is fun.
Let me ask you another question. In the series of the movie, there's one anime, you know what I mean, that is trying to get back.
Now you're fucking with me. There's no anime porn in the fucking movie.
There is. There's anime porn in the movie.
Not anime porn, anime. Enemy? Yeah.
He said anime. He said anime.
Didn't he say anime? I can't understand him sometimes. I heard him say Bed Bath and Blyon.
I'm just rolling with it. Yeah.
I'm just here to promote my special. Yeah.
Welcome to the show. So you don't know about the anime? Enemy? Enemy.
Yeah. The main nemesis.
I know. I've seen him.
Yeah. What's his name? Gargamel.
Gargamel. That's pretty close though.
Cat name as real. Voldemort.
Voldemort. Yeah.
Voldemort. Yeah.
But he was originally named, he was a kid named Tom Riddle. Oh.
And who played Voldemort? The guy that played. So you don't even fucking know.
The Menu. Oh, yeah, I do.
Ralph Fiennes? Ralph Fiennes.

Well, I like Ralph Fiennes a lot.

Yeah, he's great in it.

He's such a good actor.

And then who else is in it?

What's my favorite actor that died that's in it?

He was the... Daniel Radcliffe.

House of Defense.

Legendary.

He was in Die Hard.

Yeah, I even know this guy.

Wait, what's his name?

Die Hard.

He was the main enemy in Die Hard.

What's Sneak? Oh, oh. What is that? What is it? Peter Pan.
Peter Pan. Not Peter Pan, no.
No. What's his name? The guy who played Hans Gruber, Alan Rickman.
Hans Gruber. The enemy in Die Hard.
No, not Hans Gruber. Oh, who are you talking about? The guy that played the enemy in Die Hard, the main bad guy.
Yeah, in the first Die Hard. What actor played him? That's not Hans Gruber.
Well, that's the character's name. Yeah, fuck? Hans Gruber is the character in the film.
Oh, yeah, but what's his actor? Alan Rickman. What? Alan Rickman.
Alan Rickman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hans Gruber. That's Hans Gruber.
Yeah, that is Hans Gruber. But Alan Rickman is in all the movies.
Wow. It's a great cast.
I should see it. You should.
In our defense, you don't need to see Empire Strikes Back to know who Yoda is. Facts.
Or Darth Vader. Facts.
So stupid. That's what high people say.
I don't need to eat a fucking burrito because it's like any other burrito. That's not true.
That's not what he's saying. He's saying it all.
We understand what we need to know to get by. It's like you with English.
You know enough. Doritos.
What? No, man. That's ridiculous.
You didn't even understand what he said. He said what? All the fans out there, boy, oh, boy, am I glad to be back on this fucking show.
And I want to say this. We're going to say goodbye to our guest because he's got to go live a life.
Okay. And timeout.
Timeout. Timeout.
This Wednesday, in two days, Lefty Son is out on YouTube. Go watch this fucking special on YouTube.
We should link it in the description, boys, so they can go click on that easily and watch this fucking special, please, and spread that word around. It's on my YouTube.
Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media.
Subscribe to my podcast, The Honeydew. Do it.
Thank you both for having me. Do it.
Give him a kiss for the mic. Love you.
You know I love you, dude. I do.
So much. I'm so sorry what happened to you.
Thank you, brother. He's alive.
He's alive. Thank you for having me here to support.
I love you guys. I love you.
I love you, man. Alright, get out of here.
We'll talk to you but thank you brother he's alive he's alive thank you for having me here to support i love you guys i love you i love you all right get out of here we'll talk to you soon doordash you know when i was just in hawaii i used doordash so many times because they're the most reliable they have the best options i love doordash missing the syrup from your pancakes sometimes we do yeah or just run out of your favorite coffee creamer with doordash grocery delivery you can get what right when you need it. That's right.
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When you're in Australia,

do you just hold in all your cum or?

Huh?

Say that question again.

What do you need to know?

When I'm in Australia, do I hold it in? Yeah, because you have what you think down under i can't i can't just rope one out oh you do rope it out you don't think i you don't think i don't master me i know some people like steve o they're like i know i saved it for a year well that was that strange he did like a year of celibacy uh or he wanted to do that as a testament to his addiction to see if he could do that as like a i think that's what he said yeah no I mean what the fuck the first day I got to Australia I cried and I jerked off on the couch you know what's so funny my patio faced like five other patios and sadly I was so lonely for the first week because we didn't film yet and I was there without meeting any cast members yeah I was hoping someone would like see me a little bit oh really just to be like oh I was jerking off like at the window on the couch or right through the window well I just wanted someone to go like this you know alright right you know but you know what I had a discussion with oh with our buddy Brian Jarvis one of the writers of the movie who's one of the such a fucking funny dude and Jarvis and I were talking about dude I have a funny story about Brian Jarvis we're gonna tell in a second okay but Jarvis and I were talking about that about how like people can see you and all these windows face other windows. So there's no privacy in the, you have to close the curtain.
Then it feels weirder when you jerk off sad in the dark. So I said, yeah, I sit on my couch and no one can really see me, you know, like maybe kind of or whatever.
And he goes, you know what's so fucking funny about that? All of us kind of want to be seen a little bit. Right.
A little bit. Yeah.
Cause like he goes, there's a girl that would leave, you know know she would be like changing and she knows people can see her but she leaves the blinds open on purpose because she kind of wants to be all of us kind of want to be seen you know it's like in new york you kind of want someone to see you a little bit because even if they're like look at that guy's small dick they can't say it to your face that's they can laugh in their apartment alone yeah but i don't have to hear it yeah no i might give them a little piece of laughter during the day they see my little red penis and they might he might have a cup of coffee and go and they might make his morning yeah me with my little red penis on the couch yeah give him a laugh in the car do you pick your nose and eat it i don't pick my nose okay and and you shouldn't eat it oh okay do you do it can i just say something i discovered the other day, Carlos? And don't try it. Why do you have to- It's so gross.
I have a warning. I know you're going to try this.
Okay. But I'm going to tell you something I discovered.
I know you're going to try it, right? All right, what's up? Is this going to make me sick? It's going to make me sick. Okay.
So. Good.
We haven't had enough gross shit on this podcast yet. All right.
I will say it then. No, please.
You discover, you uncover, you discard. Discard? Huh? You discover, you uncover, discard, you figure it out.
I'm just saying it right now. You're boogers.
Yeah, but boogers. I don't eat them.
By the way, I would throw that out there. You know, I bet we can rewind the tape right now from like the 12th episode and we talk about you eating your boogers.
Why stop? Oh, you kick the habit? Until I discover something new. Wait.
Have you vaped through your nose? No. You hold it a stick and you vape.
Oh, and it dehydrates all your boogers? No, it flavors your boogers. I don't even know if I'm happy to be back right now.
I'm going to try it. You know you're going to try it, right? I'm going to try it, yeah.
But don't do the first one. You don't want to do 15 different flavors up there.
Just do one mango. It was always a good one.
You flavor your booger. I just like, one day I was watching Star Trek.
I was alone on my iPad and I was in front of my nose. And I go, and I remember the smell still being in my nose.
Like, hmm, my house smells mango-y. Uh-huh.
Right? And then, you know, the light bulb. Ding! With my...
The tube of the nose, you know, is like mango-y. Right.
Maybe the boogers. Never didn't do it right away.
Still watching the new Star Trek. And I was like...
And I go, it's like a mango. Oh, God.
Don't. All right, I'm in trouble.
So everyone at home, you know what I mean?

If you do vape-

Don't!

You're going to try it.

Don't!

Why?

Why would you teach people to vape-

Because I feel like people don't eat the boogers

is because it's salty, right?

It causes high blood pressure, salt, and this and that.

You know what else it is, dude?

It's fucking gross.

It is gross.

It's not just the salt.

It's pretty fucking gross.

It's insane.

You shouldn't eat your boogers.

Don't eat your boogers.

You going to try it, Carlos?

He is.

Probably. There's no doubt in my mind.
He's absolutely- You're totally going to try it. Tell me the Brian Jarvis story that you want to tell me.
Oh, well, he's sober. He's a great guy.
Yeah, he's sober. And I remember back in the day when he was loaded.
And he used to work at the 101 Cafe. Yeah, you mean loaded, by the way.
He means on shit, not rich. Yeah, he was on shit.
I know, I know. The word loaded can mean this the word loaded and he's like one of those guys that like you always looked at him and you went this guy is just talent he's so so naturally funny so funny right and then i remember one day i go you know what you know i'm in a i want to take you to a meeting he's like all right man right and i remember driving down the street he opens up the door he just jumps out in the middle while I'm driving.
I see him roll and he's just running the other way. I swear.
How fast are you going? It was a residential area, so I was going maybe 20 miles per hour. That's so fast.
I know, but he just jumped out, rolled and started running. I looked at him in my rear view and I'm like, what the fuck is he doing, right? And eventually I got him in a meeting.
Oh, yeah. But it was crazy.
That's my memory of brian jarvis so when i found out that he wrote them he did punch-ups on the movie or rewrites so

the movie was written a long time ago and then it was rewritten for a few times so jarvis and

his partner jim did the most recent version you know what i mean with pete because it's funny i've

gotten a lot of calls from producers that want to do a movie with us yeah well what the fuck can

jarvis write it uh would love to he would love to do that i'm so down

Thank you. lot of calls from producers that want to do a movie with us yeah well what the fuck can jarvis write it uh would love to he would let's just do that i'm so down have jarvis write it we got to give him some concept to write though we can't just be like write us a movie andres is gonna be pissed well andres is gonna be he's got a baby now he's confused and also by the way yeah we don't speak spanish we don't that's gonna be a tough script for us to fucking read yeah you know i Bailamos.
B You know, I don't know. I don't know what I don't know either.
Stop. No, listen, Andres can have a hand in this, but the guy's going to be too busy.
He can produce it. Yes.
Yeah. He had ideas.
You're just worried that you're cut out. What are you talking about? Yeah, you fuck your ego got in the way.
No, you're projecting right now. You had a year with this project, dude.
Nothing. I wrote a script 18 months ago.
But not the Bad Friends script. Yeah, you fuck your ego got in the way.
No, you're projecting. Yeah.
You've had a year with this project did nothing I wrote a script 18 months ago, but now the bad friends script. Yeah, I wrote bottoms of turtle island Oh, did you really? Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah, good. It is pretty good.
We definitely can't make it It's just not makeable. Yeah, it's good, but it is good I mean and I'm set now that Magnum's over.
We're not gonna be able to do an episode of magnum you bastard man don't even bring that up man wait why i'm serious i wanted to do an episode with you what do you mean they wrote an episode for you yeah dude i fucking couldn't do it i know yeah i was in australia hollywood is magnum not hollywood oh it is yeah also by the way it's about i know also all the comments kirk fox did it oh he's so good yeah he's better than me what do you fucking fine that's great he's a better actor it was fun about... I know.
Also, all the comments... Kirk Fox did it.
Oh, he's so good. Yeah, he's good.
He's better than me. What do you fucking find? That's great.
He's a better actor. It was fun.
Well, that's worth it. Yeah, yeah.
All the comments that say I'm more Hollywood is so comical to me because, you know, he's worked with the same level of like stars, but they do that because they placate his little ego. And it's so annoying.
They're like, oh, Santino's way more Hollywood. How? You do the same kind of shit that I do.
You do the same thing. You do TV and filming and doing such a stuff.
Yeah, I know. But you hang out with them afterwards.
I don't. I cut the line.
No, you know why? No, they don't. You don't cut the line.
I do. You don't cut the line.
They go, hey, you want to go out? No. I cut the line.
And you know what? They go, oh, cool. Thank God.
We were asking him to be nice. He's been sitting in the corner eating his mango boogers at this restaurant no shit I will say this I did get to eat kangaroo and hang out with Sina and John is one of the he's such a nice guy he loves you are you being real he remembers I called you and we talked about the same day I called you come on tell me more see he me more see he does remember the sketches yeah yeah because he said he he made the comment about you know us together yeah it was very complimentary and was super nice about it and then he said you know i used to do shit with bob and i said i know bob told me yeah and then we were just talking about it for a while he's a good dude he's great and talk about a guy that fucking has worked hard for the success it's kind of crazy it's like sometimes you meet people where you're like, how do these people fall face first into luck? But with him, it was like, you can just tell he's a workhorse.
He works. Even when back when he did Mad TV, you could tell that he's just there ready, learning and wanting to do it.
The motherfucker exercises. He plays piano during the day to keep piano up.
Then he practices mandarin during the day to keep all that shit up wow dude and meanwhile i'm you know jerking on my red penis on my couch it's like i feel like i needed to do so much more yeah i mean i'm like vaping out of my nose it's terrible when you meet people that do so much you're like fuck i need to be doing more so what did i do i bought a couple of books while i was there how many did I read there's no way you've read how many did I read zero I swear to god I bought five how many did I read you say zero what do you say Carlos how many did I read two how many Bryce three I read all five fuck all you guys I read all five books from beginning to end no you skip around no really I'll bring them in. I'm going to bring them in.
Are they Cliff Notes? Are they Cliff Notes? Well, down there, it's Claff Notes. Yeah, it's just a Claff Notes.
Yeah. Hey, mate.
They're so fucking nice, by the way. Let me ask you about Australians as a people, right? So nice.
It's annoying as shit. But in terms of beauty.
Ah. Can we talk about that? Well, we can.
All right. Would you say that...
There's a lot of pretty women, but the men are... Look, the mullet there.
Theo Vaughn? Yeah. King.
Is everywhere. Yeah, Theo Vaughn's king.
He's everywhere. Yeah, he's king.
It's all you see is mullets. It's mullet city, dude.
And Carlos's hair? Yeah. You'd be a god.
They'd build a statue out of this guy. Wow.
Dude, there's so many guys that have long, flowy hair that are bald yeah it's it's a it's a vibe but are they stylish at least the guys yeah it's their style which is what australian bogan they call bogan bogan hey you're a bogan mate so what is it khakis or no no they don't wear fucking khakis you know what they look like down there they look like what we used to look like in the 90s. They all wear like super baggy, oversized.
You know, like Doc Martens are – everyone has Doc Martens on. Because I imagine they dress like Panama Jack.
Right? With like a tan vest. No, be real.
I know. Like a safari hat.
No, none of them. Alligator shoes.
No, they're like hip kids. They're like hip kids.
Everyone there looks like a fucking cool kid. Yeah.
like shit they look like cool kids but that was the vibe that was the style was a lot of like mullet haircuts but it looked cool if they styled it looked dope obviously it's not for me or you could do it i guess you could do a mullet i've done a mullet before but it's not really your style no it didn't look good with me that's what i'm saying in I'm getting my haircut. Do you mind if I take a haircut before the tour? I was going to say, I think we should shave our heads for the tour.
I'm really going to shave my head. I think we should all shave our head for the tour.
Would you shave your head? Jesse's got to do it too then. No.
Yeah, Jesse, yeah. We all have to do it as a family.
She's going to do it. Carlos.
This took me years. Yeah, yeah.
I know. We're trying to just play your game your game no i was thinking about doing like a bowl cut i love that like like one of those like like the beetles haircuts edgar cut an edgar cut who's edgar i don't know i just agreed with him yeah but why do you he doesn't know what he's talking about edgar what the fuck is that edgar who what's edgar and is it called edgar yeah it's called ed Cut.
And it's apparently NBC says Gen Z Latinos are crazy about it.

The story is that a young fan asked a barber, Anthony Reyes,

to cut and shape a design of a major league baseball player, Edgar Martinez.

Yeah, Edgar Martinez. I want to look it up right now.

Edgar Cut.

I just told you.

I know, but I want to look what looks Edgar Cut.

There we go.

Yeah.

Let me look.

Reyes is.

No, I'm not doing that.

So wait a minute.

This?

Yeah, that looks dope. That looks so dope.
how about on the i'll do edgar then you'll do edgar yeah i'll do an edgar you know what i'll do with you yeah yeah if you're down we can give each other haircuts on the bus you want to give each other haircuts on the bus no i'm not doing no no no no i need a trim a tiny no no i can't no i want to go to a professional guy and do it i'm gonna get an edgar cut what's the fun in that going to a guy who does hair? Let's give each other cuts on the bus. Because you're going to fucking nick my scalp and stuff.
That's the fucking fun of it. No, because I get boils.
Oh, you have little baby balls. I have little baby balls on the head.
All right, we'll get a professional. Yeah.
But can we do this on the tour? Can we go to a black barbershop and get like fades? Hell yeah. That's tight.
I would love to do that. Also, by the way, we got a shout out from somebody.
Can I go in with Urban Bob or what? No, we can't do Urban Bob. Why? We can.
Yeah. I got a shout out from a guy.
I'm not going to say the name, but we got invited to go to one of the highest end diamond stores to go get iced out. Oh, wait.
You and I did? In H-Town? No, we did. In Houston? I'm not going to say where.
We'll talk about it later oh so what is I stop me go diamond should we go get fucking ice like I like diamond chain necklaces a cost I don't know we'll figure it out when we're in grand 20 grand I don't want to do that I'll lose it let's get grills I would do yeah does that stay in forever no what the fuck you take it out oh yeah no but we can it's like a it's like a fucking what do you call it it's okay yeah like a retainer yeah yeah it's like a retainer and you you call it? It's a cap. Yeah, like a retainer.
Yeah, yeah. It's like a retainer, and you put it over your teeth.
Let's get grills, please. Yeah, yeah.
Let's do it. All right, fuck yeah.
Let's do it. I would love grills.
Grills for the crew. How about this? What else do they do? Huh, what? Who? Where else can you put diamonds on your body? You can put diamonds.
No, no, it's like watches and chains and all. We can put diamonds on your forehead.
Oh, you can do like one of those Indian tut-tuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lil Uzi did that, I think. Huh? Lil Uzi did that, I think.
Lil Uzi Vert has a diamond in his fucking face. Or maybe I would just do like an eye.
Oh, your third eye. Like a third eye, but then blank these out.
So I sew these up, right? And I'm Cyclops. But then I wouldn't be able to see.
But you could convince yourself you could. Oh, those mango boogers.
Mango.

By the way, your new nickname is Mango Booger.

Mango Booger.

Internet, do it.

Internet, do it. Internet, do it.

Internet, do it.

Listen, I was just kidding about that, to be honest with you.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was.

No, you weren't.

I did it for comedic people.

Why would I eat my own boogers, man?

That's insane.

Take a second.

I never fucking did that.

Take a second.

If I could ever even try to do it, it's like, you know, I just threw it out there man i was saying a science experiment if see if it works it works i don't know if it does i've never tried it look at me in the fucking eye and say yeah i never tried it i never tried look at me in the eye and don't look away i never tried it swear to god no see it doesn't swear to god i don't swear to god why i never tried why don't you swear to god I swear to God if I think that swear to God. I've never tried.
Why don't you swear to God? I swear to God if I think that... It's real.
It's real, yeah. If it's real, yeah, yeah.
If it's real, I swear to God. You know why Juicy is in the studio today? We should say that for some of our fans.
Why? Because she's on tour with Anthony fucking Jesselnik. Dude, this cocksucker steals our fucking...
He's a fucking sucker. That's our crew.
He's a sucker, dude. He's infusing in our crew.
Yeah. Fucker.
Dude, he's lucky he's so good at comedy. Otherwise, we'd fight him.
We should fight him. Honestly, I love that guy.
I know. I fucking love him so much.
And that's why it's okay. Like, if it was somebody else that brought Jesse, it would kind of irritate me.
Like who? Who? I don't want to do this. I don't want to do it right now.
I don't want to do it. Get in trouble.
I don't want to do it right now. Just say size.
Okay, how about this? What if Pauly took her out? Because I think right Yeah Pauly does bring her It's fine What if What if Are we going to throw out names No Okay do it Throw out a name What if Who would take her out That would annoy you What if Griffin took her out For dinner That would laugh You laugh Why? I would just laugh I would laugh Come on Juicy No I would go to Juicy And go really You want to do this? If he took her out Would you not let her back On this show? As a punishment For a week at least I would make it seem like We're done with her And then bring her back later Oh my god Right. Right? Because that's a little, if he asked to, that's betrayal.
That is. He's too close to us.
Too close? Yeah. Too close.
Him or, in fact, any of our friend circle, no. Yeah.
If it's somebody we don't know, like Dr. Drew.
Fine. I love Dr.
Drew. You know what I mean? She could open for him.
What if Maren, like Maren? I'm fine. That's interesting though.
It is an interesting one. Because he could.
He might. That is kind of like her vibe.
You know what Sickler said about her that I thought was very nice and he didn't say it when we talked? He goes, you know the reason that she's such a good fit? She has such a great disposition. She's like such a positive fucking vibe.
She's not just. She's such a good.
One of the greatest people I've ever met I think in in my life. I'm honestly, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body.
She's just really just. Well, look, she's a great comic is with the A, that A, the first thing, great comic.
But then like her mood, her thing, the thing I can't describe. So she won't talk bad about anybody.
No, she doesn't want to. How do you feel about this person? She won't do it.
She go another, whatever. Yeah, yeah.
And you go, yeah, but they really good girl. They talk shit about you and she'll go, that's a bummer.
Yeah, yeah. And then she'd move on.
No, she doesn't want to. Like, how do you feel about this person? She won't do it.
She'd go, no, they're whatever. Yeah, yeah.
And you go, yeah, but they-

She's just a really good girl.

They talk shit about you

and she'll go,

that's a bummer.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she'd move on.

Meanwhile, if I said that about you,

if I said, you know who

talks shit about you,

you're like,

I'm gonna fuck it.

I don't know.

It's the Korean side.

That is.

And you know what?

That's not your fault.

It's a cultural thing.

Speaking of Koreans,

go watch Beef on Netflix.

Oh, is it-

Beef just came out.

I know.

I see the billboards.

I haven't seen it.

It just came out.

Yeah, you happy with it?

I haven't seen it.

Yeah.

They did a premiere.

I couldn't go

because I was working.

Thank you. go watch beef on netflix oh beef just came out i know i see the billboards i haven't seen it just came out yeah you're happy with it i haven't seen it yeah they did a premiere i couldn't go because i was i heard show is really good in it he is yeah steven young ali wong of course now young was yo there's so many good people in that you're on it i'm in it but i'm not really in it you'll miss me if you watch it you wouldn't even know i'm there really no i mean also they you know i couldn't go to the premiere because i just got back from from Australia and I was working.
Yeah. And then I got asked by a few people, like, why wouldn't you go? And I said, have you seen the fucking pictures online? What do you mean? It's fucking 37 Asians.
Why would I be the one dickhead like, hey. I already have that.
It's the house party poster. I'm fucking the only dumb white guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey.
Wow, wow. wow wow I don't need that again and also you want to talk about a moment for fucking people of color or minorities this is an all Asian show it's a I think it's probably one of the first of its kind that has that many main character all Asian 100% right so what am I fucking doing there they should have not invited me they should have been like you can't come you white fucking devil because want to use the best sunny thinks you're great no no i'm saying for the promotion of it at the premiere it's like i don't need to be there for that's you guys's time to shine yeah what am i gonna do also i'm barely in it i'm not it's also weird like i went to burt kreischer and whitney's you know um only fans roast uh screening uh-huh and they're like go in the line line go in the fucking um you know the press line oh right right i'm like i'm not in it you're not in it yeah and then please i'm not doing it well because you're not in it i'm not in it but why would i have to do that if you're in it it's different i'll do it if i'm in it right right so it's like but that's the other thing why i wouldn't do anything i mean i would promote.
I posted about it, but it's like me going to the premiere,

even if I could,

I wasn't here,

but even if I could,

it's like,

this is not for me.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's like, it's for them.

It's for Steven and Ali and Young.

No, dude.

Koreans love you.

No, I love them too.

We love, you know?

I know, but I'm just saying,

Carlos, he's nodding off.

He gets me.

I'm saying-

I'm not nodding.

Yeah, why are you nodding off?

No, I was just thinking- No, because he's not. He's using again.
He's he's fucking nodding off dude i've seen him do it three times today your fentanyl are you fentany again i mean just no i'm at one milligram of fentanyl because i saw on the bus ads that it takes two to overdose so you need one see he's half dosing are you being real man no of course not we're gonna keep we're gonna keep a title what a beef is at a hundred percent on rotten tomatoes that's amazing yeah that's great Well, it? No, of course not. I'm not doing it.
No, he's not Fentany. We're going to keep a title.
What? Beef is at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's amazing.
Yeah. That's great.
Well, it's not because of me. It's fucking good.
Those guys are so good in that thing. Dude, honestly, when I saw some of the scenes I wasn't in, just watching, I was like, it's going to be a fucking good show.
Yeah. It's great, dude.
Congratulations. I was a little jealous I wasn't Korean.
What? Imagine being the only white guy on a Korean show. That's how good you as a white I know but they used to they would throw stuff at me at lunch oh really what all the Koreans it's rice it doesn't hurt but handfuls of it hurts yeah oh I see and it's and it's not wet rice it's hard it's a hard one's uncooked rice right and they go lunch is ready white devil and they would huck rice at me yeah and then honestly then honestly, they'd make me take off my clothes and wear tighty-whities.

I had to wear tighty-whities underwear.

Yeah.

That's a wardrobe set.

So I never wore boxers.

And they wore tighty-whities.

And they would hit me with rice.

And then I had to eat it raw and pick it up one by one.

Like, have you ever been on a set where it was all Asians?

Probably not.

That was probably the first set you've ever been on that's like that.

That or the Jet Li film I did.

Did you really?

No, no.

No, that was the only time I. No.
And you know you know what it was fucking you know what's fascinating about that show not like I need to we're not plugging the show but like it was such a great perspective of like what it's like feeling like a young Korean America in Los Angeles in Los Angeles and the culture and the subculture that existed in their world particularly because we weave in and out of religion and they talk a lot about like going to church in it and these church people and to see that as a kid who not not a church guy but i saw white people do that in our world and i was like this is cool to see the perspective of a korean church because how how serious some of them take it because some of the koreans in church that's like holy fucking shit yeah i might start going that's like some white shit the way that you guys are with church is like some white people shit. Yeah.
And it was cool as fuck to see. Beyond the fact that Sonny made an amazing show.
I'm just saying perspective wise, it was cool to watch another culture's perspective on things that we could also compare to and go, oh wow, that's fucking, that's sick. Yeah, yeah.
It was dope. The show is fucking great.
Go watch people. It's an important show.
It's 100%. I think it's important.
100%. 100%.

God bless Asians, man.

Good people.

Yeah.

Great people.

We're the best.

Not the best.

No chance.

I know, but we're good.

You're up there.

No, we're up there.

You know who goes first.

Let me guess.

In terms of Asians or just white people?

Oh, people.

Just people.

Redheads?

Not redheads.

Uh-uh.

You're last.

Uh-uh.

No, we're not last.

You're second to last.

Close. Yeah.
Yeah, we're going to be third or second to last, yeah. Yeah.
White people. Black.
Oh, for sure. Yeah, black.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, blacks are the best.
They're the best. Yeah, they're the best.
Yeah. And then Asians are- They smell so good.
Asians, that's weird. What, last night? Go ahead.
You smell someone that smelled really good? Well, Dave Hellum brought me up.

I love Dave.

And he always hugs me.

Yeah.

And I smelled them.

Wow, they smell so good.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like this sweet, you know, sweet smooth.

It's like they're cigarettes.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm like, cool.

Sweet smooth.

Sweet smooth.

Okay, if black people

like slick

they smell

is that

that sounds racist

yeah it does

it's not

it does

how is slick bad

slick always is a term of like

oh look at this guy

he fucking thinks he's slick

like cool cat

cool cat

yeah right

like 1970s black

I smelled him I was like

and I wanna go

like he left

after

cause I went up after him

I wanna go

how do I get that smooth

you have to have another life

and he's like nah

uh uh

he'd be like nah nah not for you yeah not for me i'm more um pungent yeah is it good yeah so if he's sweet smooth yeah yeah you're pungent rough i'm you know um you know what it's like stale fruit you stale fruit. You stale fruit? I'm stale fruit.
What am I? Oh, you're dry wood. Old baloney.
Dried wood actually is exactly what white people smell like. Yeah, dried wood.
Dry wood. Yeah, yeah.
What about Carlos? What about Mexicans? Fuck, that's a hard one, huh? Mexicans? Well, he's different because he's like an imposter Mexican. Yeah.
He's not one of the ones that we love. Like this guy, you know this guy doesn't make a papusa.
No fucking way. No, I can't make papusa.
No, that's a hard one huh mexicans well he's different because he's like an imposter mexican yeah he's not one of the ones that we love like this guy you know this guy doesn't make a papusa no fucking way i can't make a pupusa no that's what i'm saying it's like he's a fucking phony mexican i would order papusa see though see yeah like a fucking white yeah i'll order papusas fucking white um soccer ball bean i don't know i'm trying to figure out What the fuck? like to you laundry that's good they always smell like clean laundry every neighborhood I go to on the east side smells like laundered frijoles is that offensive no no it's kind of like right on we're kidding we're all kidding we're all kidding we're all kidding for fuck's sake internet yeah i want to take this time while you sip your water to thank you so much for holding down the bad friends family fort you bryce george fancy carlos thank you for holding on when i was gone you've done it always done it you know that's we help each other we help each other we gotta keep this thing going this is the bad friends family and I'm serious when I say this I can't I seriously genuinely can't wait for people to see what we've got planned for the tour on the live show you're gonna get stand up from both of us you're gonna get stand up from juicy you're gonna get bits live bits interactive bits that Carlos is working on now audience members when you show up this is phenomenal this is the first time we've talked about it there is going to be a code that they can sign up to be members of the physical live show to come on stage perhaps to maybe interact with us to maybe get another slice of being a part of the bad friends family 100 so we've worked on this we've got a way to do this you are going to be involved doing great bits from the show uh bobby is going to play music sign your waiver to too, please. Sign your waiver.
Please. I also want to say something that is very difficult for me to say, but I really do love you and you're a real friend.
And I think about like Kalilah, and people around me. And I'm just so blessed to have just great people that love me.
I can feel it, you know. I haven't had the best month of my life, you know.
And it's like you guys are just really there for me, and I really appreciate it, man. I love you so much.
I love you so much. And you know what? It's so hard for me to say.
I know. so hard i know you know it's like giving hitler a high five you know when he's doing this and yeah it's really hard but you did it yeah i did it because i'm your gerbils yeah you you know you you look at your life and you go you look at the people around you and it's like oh i know i have love and support and you never think that you know about your life you know um but when you do it's touching you know and i get emotional about it well i love you and thank you and you know what what thank you for being a bad friend now when you get annual leads you know you would think you would want white ones white ones yeah no Yeah, white ones.
No, you'd think you'd want the ones that don't show anything.

No, you want to see the change of the color.

For me, I want the change of the, like, a mood ring.

Mood beads.

Mood beads.

We should make mood beads.

Ooh, you guys would catch it hard.

But I want it white so that you can know how clean you are.

That's cool.

I understand what you're saying.

Okay, good.

But I think the mood bead one is better.

You think so? Well, because when you understand what you're saying. Okay, good.
But I think the mood bead one is better. You think so?

Well, because when you,

then you're like,

is everything okay?

Right.

You seem,

you're,

you seem moody.

You seem moody?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your booty's moody.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Someone's feeling cheeky.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.hoo. Yeah.
Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.