Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo

Speaker 1 What up, bad friends? I am on my way back to the US of A from Aussie, baby, and I'm so very excited to go on tour. Me and Bob are on tour.

Speaker 2 You want to get those tickets?

Speaker 1 Get those tickets at badfriendspod.com. We added dates, we added cities, we added shows, we added shows in Riverside, San Antonio, Toronto, Canada.
Come out and show that love for Bad Friends Pod.

Speaker 1 We're doing a huge tour: Oklahoma, Kansas City, St.

Speaker 1 Louis, Indianapolis, Detroit, Louisville, Atlanta, Memphis, Norfolk, Durham, Charlotte, San Antonio, Houston, Irving, Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix, Jacksonville, St.

Speaker 1 Petersburg, Hollywood, Orlando, Riverside, San Diego, Montclair, Porchester, Baltimore, Philly, Toronto, and much, much more. We're adding as we go.
Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 4 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know how to. Oh,

Speaker 3 Dana.

Speaker 3 I love

Speaker 3 When he died, when Richie Valence died, was that sad for you guys?

Speaker 2 It tore me apart from the movie.

Speaker 3 Really? Yes, it tore me apart. That's like your Harry Styles, right?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Richie Valence? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 Harry Styles, I didn't know anything about.

Speaker 3 Until when? Until I heard a song called,

Speaker 3 was it Watermelon Shakespeare? Yeah, he loved fruit.

Speaker 2 Well, that's what I thought it it was. I was like, man, this guy loves that waferisca.

Speaker 3 You know what, bro? I feel like I'm being racist with the fucking mouth stash and shit, bro. You know what I mean? Welcome to

Speaker 3 yo, dude. Mexican amigos, bro.

Speaker 3 Welcome. I'm going to take off now.
Okay. It feels weird.

Speaker 2 Anyway. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 You had another one underneath on the top.

Speaker 3 I love it. So, welcome to it.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So good to see you guys, man.
Because let me tell you something, man.

Speaker 3 Andrew's been out of town, and I've been doing this all alone, and I needed friends, bro. And we did an all-Korean episode, bro.

Speaker 3 I thought, what's next, bro? Mexicans, dude. I fucking love them, bro.
We got a fucking, I want to introduce the people

Speaker 3 in the room, bro. We got a fucking raccoon in the house.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 A fucking raccoon. He's half raccoon, half fucking Mexican.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Bro, when's the last time you slept, dog?

Speaker 4 I stayed up late last night, but I have these all the time, anyways, Bobby.

Speaker 3 Dude, it's at a point.

Speaker 4 I know, I need to get some work.

Speaker 3 You're gonna have to Michael Jackson it. Yeah, I know.
You're gonna have to Michael Jackson underneath your eye because it's like it's so prominent. Listen, I looked into it.
Here's the problem.

Speaker 3 Are you a panda? Can I ask you that? The panda's good too. Panda raccoon.

Speaker 2 Do you want Charlie to have Sammy Sosa lids?

Speaker 4 You know, there's a laser. There's a laser thing.
Yeah. But you have to go to somebody really good because if they take off too much, dude, then it gets, it's like, it'll be pale.
It's worse.

Speaker 3 I don't know, dude.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I think pale is better.

Speaker 3 It's bad, huh? It's so. No, it's you.

Speaker 2 It's you.

Speaker 2 Some people just have dark circles.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it's bad.

Speaker 4 Look, it's bad. That's bad.
That's pretty bad.

Speaker 3 I don't think so. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But it's going to get, you know, it's going to get, the dermatologist told me it's going to get darker. It's just going to keep getting darker as I get older.

Speaker 4 And it's going to. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Please don't get them done that. And it's going to have to see what happens.

Speaker 4 Like in about five years, it'll be,

Speaker 3 it goes lower and lower. Oh, please.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. When we start calling him Crater Sanchez.

Speaker 3 Crater.

Speaker 3 Crater. Crater Sanchez, bro.

Speaker 2 Man, people have tried to hike it, but they've never gone.

Speaker 3 They've never seen it again.

Speaker 3 So we got Johnny Sanchez, my old friend. Yeah, buddy.
You good, bro? Yeah, I'm all right. All right.
I'm sorry for making fun of you, man. That's right.

Speaker 4 Yeah. It goes,

Speaker 3 that's how our relationship goes. It's always been like that.
It'll never change. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I love you. It's, you know, it's funny.

Speaker 3 And it's just the next person? Well, just real quick.

Speaker 4 You always go. It's always been funny.
You've always gone after my looks. Like, you always make fun of me.

Speaker 3 But you, you. I called you cricket.

Speaker 4 Yeah, cricket. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But you.

Speaker 4 You make fun of me like you look like Brad Pitt. That's what makes me.
I look like Chet.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I look like Chet.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 3 I look in the mirror. Okay.
And I know where I'm at. I know who I am.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we're going to talk about that, right?

Speaker 3 About what? Dating and yeah, yeah, yeah, we will. But can I introduce you?

Speaker 4 That's what I was going to say. Yeah.

Speaker 3 We have one Mexican that's not even shown up yet. Yeah, he's on Mexican time.
He's on Mexico. What does that mean? Anyone?

Speaker 3 I get it.

Speaker 3 I get it.

Speaker 3 So the next person that I want to introduce is somebody that I met many, many years ago. She was living in Dallas.
Yes. And you were working at the Addison Improv.
Yeah, I was the office manager.

Speaker 3 You were the office manager. Oh, my God.
And I found out then that you were doing stand-up. I had just started.
You just started.

Speaker 3 And the way you rose,

Speaker 3 it was just, I was so proud of you. I'm still very proud of you.

Speaker 3 You just dug your way out, and you're so talented and funny. Crystella Alonso, she had her own sitcom.
What was it called?

Speaker 4 Crystella. Crystella.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It was actually called Nine is Enough.

Speaker 3 It could have been called Crystilla versus Crystella.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. You're right.

Speaker 3 It could have been.

Speaker 2 Look, George Lopez has used his name on every show. And even then, when he has a new show, I'm like, it could be Paul this time.

Speaker 3 You never know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Thanks for being here. I haven't hung out with you in a while.
Yeah. And I called you out of the blue, and you were like, let's do it.
And

Speaker 3 yeah, um, I was telling Johnny before the show

Speaker 3 that we're at an age where

Speaker 3 we're pretty much going to be, we're unfuckable,

Speaker 3 and we have sad futures ahead of us, you know. Um, do you,

Speaker 3 do you what?

Speaker 4 Do you, do you, uh, can you see yourself with a woman that would be like in her late 40s, early 50s? You like, still like young people.

Speaker 3 That's crazy. I didn't know what you're accusing me of.

Speaker 3 What are you accusing me of? No, no.

Speaker 4 Young, like you like girls that are like 20s and like maybe early 30s.

Speaker 3 Listen, I don't care about the age.

Speaker 3 It's what I see. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 4 So you probably wouldn't go out with a woman that's like 48, 49, 50.

Speaker 3 It depends. Oh, right.
If I'm in a case.

Speaker 2 I'm 44, by the way.

Speaker 3 You look great.

Speaker 3 You look wonderful. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 4 But are you saying that's for me to be careful the way I do?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, I don't give a shit. No, I'm saying like like I'm 44.

Speaker 2 I'm saying that there's people that are women that are 49, 48 that probably still don't look, you know, it's like it, yeah, it just depends.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right? If I'm in a bakery, right, and if the cake looks fresh, I want to eat it, right? But if it's damaged, you know what I mean? There's

Speaker 3 you know

Speaker 3 rotting

Speaker 3 wear and tear, you mean? There's some wear and tear. Yeah, you're wearing tears.

Speaker 2 It's what I call moisturizer. It's like, see like there have been times and there have been times i do this all the time i will google people i hated in high school

Speaker 2 and i know that we're the same age and a lot of them look like

Speaker 2 and it's because i tell people they never learned to moisturize so it's like we're the same thing it's like that thing about like not knowing how to take care of yourself maybe because you're too busy you're having a fucked up life where you're trying to survive and shit like that whatever it is you didn't do it so people sometimes look different than other people the same age because they just didn't do they didn't take care of themselves moisturize it's about moisture like putting lotion on your face is that what you're saying yeah i'm simplifying it like that just to say that that's like the example can i give can i add on to that let's do it could it be about also stress levels yes absolutely well that's what i mean is that the moisturizing is just an example of how like people do extra steps sometimes that they probably don't even think about like the moisturizer is a thing obviously stress level because that's what i'm saying it's like if you have a life of survival of like trying to to get by or something, or shit's just fucked up, sometimes you trying to take care of yourself like physically is the last fucking thing on your mind.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The mind fuck, I suffer from depression and anxiety. And when I get depressed, I get depressed.
And when I feel like that, I don't give a shit what I look like. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And that's

Speaker 2 it's kind of going to your fresh cake.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You know, but you know, also too, culture.

Speaker 3 Oh, what? Go ahead. Well, I want you to talk.
Culturally,

Speaker 4 I feel like white people age faster. The lighter complexed

Speaker 3 fair skinned people

Speaker 4 seem to get more wrinkled earlier than people who have oily skin and darker complexion.

Speaker 3 So you're saying black people look good?

Speaker 3 Well, we all know that. Don't call them oily, though.
That's weird. No, I thought I called them.

Speaker 3 Like, my dad. Yeah, well, you just call them oil enemies.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 My the Mexican, like, my dad has very oily skin. Yeah, he's 80, gonna be 88.
He looks fantastic.

Speaker 3 Is he the raccoon part of your family? Or no, okay.

Speaker 3 I did not get it from my mom or my dad. Where does that come from, though?

Speaker 4 That I had a great aunt that had it, and I had an uncle that had it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, not my mom and dad.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know what?

Speaker 3 I just realized you look like you're about to play football. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so that's cool. Anyway,

Speaker 3 I love you. Thanks for coming out.
You're one of my favorite.

Speaker 3 You're one of my favorite. Hey, you piece of shit.
I love you, buddy. I love you, buddy.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, you fucking disappointed.

Speaker 3 I'm alive. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 2 I'll win. Hey, we're good fist bump, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Like, I'll give you the, like, Rachel Bielson.
You know who that is? Yes. Yes.
I remember her. Yeah.
I know.

Speaker 3 And she's, you know, in her 40s, right? And she's beautiful. I mean, I would, you know, I mean, if I could date her, I would, I probably,

Speaker 3 I mean, she,

Speaker 3 she had a baby with Darth Vader.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dating Christian. Princess.
Yeah, yeah. So that's the level that she's at, right? Yeah, yeah.
But I'm just saying, if like... She's a fucking young Anakin.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Young Anakin.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because she can't fuck with a young Anakin. Yeah, exactly.
Because in the Star Wars universe, I'm a Jawa.

Speaker 3 Because a Jawa fuck fucking... No.

Speaker 2 I am like the Jar Jar Binks one-night stand.

Speaker 3 Like in the Star Wars universe, who would you be?

Speaker 3 I know. I already know.

Speaker 4 Oh, what's his name?

Speaker 3 I know what you are, dude. What? Remember that blue guy that was like flying? He was the boss?

Speaker 3 He was the boss.

Speaker 3 One of the newer ones? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 What was his name? The blue one that was. Yeah, that's you.
That dude.

Speaker 3 That's fucking you. Oh, my God, dude.
Unfuckable. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That reminds me of when people say, like, when women come up to me, they're like, you remind me of my friend.

Speaker 2 I'm like, what did I do to you?

Speaker 3 You have big feet?

Speaker 2 wide other wide because i i used i grew up barefoot like apocalypto

Speaker 2 dude that's my cousin

Speaker 3 yeah yeah yeah like back in the day you probably could have just run up a tree oh i could still do that

Speaker 2 like no i i used to i was barefoot all the time we were really really poor so my mom would give me one pair of shoes for the whole year

Speaker 2 so then during the summer i used to be barefoot all the time i'd walk to the stores barefoot and everything you know. So I have white feet.

Speaker 3 Whoa. You know?

Speaker 2 I'm dropping some fucking honest nuts.

Speaker 3 No, I really like it. But they're pretty pretty.
I've never seen them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I will say

Speaker 2 that they are on the internet. And I have been approached in public by somebody that wanted me to show them off.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the foot fetish thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the foot fetish thing.

Speaker 3 If I wanted to, like, let's say I was a guy on the internet, I saw your feet, and I hit you up on DM'd you, and I go, hey, how much could I give you money-wise?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so I just want your feet feet on my penis, but I'll jerk off the tip, but just have the penis at the

Speaker 3 thought into this at the base, right? And I'll just, you know, I'll take,

Speaker 3 you know, me and Luke, I'll just jerk off. Can I come on your feet? How much would you charge?

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, I always hate these questions

Speaker 2 because I would probably do that shit when I'm drunk for free.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I hate when people say, like, how much would you blow somebody for a million dollars? Bitch, I've done that for a nickel.

Speaker 2 No, I think that the feet thing has always been very, well, any fetish to me that I'm not familiar with has always been like, whoa, really? Yeah. For that much,

Speaker 3 this person's a stranger. No, you have to do it sober.
You wouldn't do it at all. No, I wouldn't do it.
For a million dollars.

Speaker 2 No, because I can actually,

Speaker 2 because I think I can make my million dollars some other way.

Speaker 3 That's true. Okay, good.
Good. Would you do it?

Speaker 3 How would that work?

Speaker 3 No. Oh, the girl.

Speaker 3 I'm a guy. Yeah.
I DM you. Oh.

Speaker 3 I love doing Kay Loco.

Speaker 3 I didn't do Kay Loco. Oh, yeah, that's why you did it.

Speaker 2 I was not cool enough to do Kay Loco.

Speaker 4 That is so crazy.

Speaker 3 He turned it down.

Speaker 4 I said no. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you were starting. You were young.
You were starting.

Speaker 3 You started.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of shit that I didn't get. Yeah, that was.

Speaker 2 You know what? This is interesting. So I started in Dallas, moved to LA.

Speaker 2 In Dallas, I was kind of like the only Latina comic in the scene.

Speaker 2 Then I moved to LA. There were a lot of Latino comics that didn't like me.
And it was this thing where I didn't realize that there was this thinking, and I've talked to people about this all the time.

Speaker 2 A lot of the older comics, and by that I mean people that had been doing it longer, not like age-wise, right? Like,

Speaker 2 they thought that I had disrespected them

Speaker 2 when I met them by not trying to shake their hands and saying, Hey, it's really nice to meet you.

Speaker 3 It's so interesting you say this because it's like, I have the same issues as you do, but I'm beginning to think it's a perception thing. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Just stop.

Speaker 3 Stop. No, stop, stop, stop.
All right. To you, it's real.
Yes. Okay.
Yeah. I believe that.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 3 But is there a perception thing? A little bit.

Speaker 3 Because people live. Listen,

Speaker 3 I feel the same way. I say

Speaker 3 it's all quiet.

Speaker 4 Everything just stops.

Speaker 3 What's up, bro? Do you guys know him? Of course.

Speaker 3 We didn't know he.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's funny. He lowers his chair.

Speaker 3 It's all lowrider.

Speaker 3 Let me get all lowrider right here, real quick.

Speaker 4 Where were you, Frankie?

Speaker 3 It's for my family.

Speaker 3 It's Sunday, right?

Speaker 3 Is it Sunday? Yeah, yeah. Sunday's a big deal for you people, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sunday is our Sunday.

Speaker 3 That's right. Sounded weird.
Sounded weird. Sunday is our Sunday.
I caught myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're with your family, bro? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 What were you guys doing?

Speaker 3 You know, we're just kicking and doing funny stuff, but

Speaker 3 barbecue or

Speaker 3 home. It's raining.
Oh, shit, is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't barbecue inside? No.

Speaker 3 That's called cooking, babe.

Speaker 3 That's right away. Did you eat food? Was that, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Good time? Yeah.
All right. All right.
What's wrong with you right now? Yeah, what's going on?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're came in all fucking shifty. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Totally shit.

Speaker 2 Is this like the movie Speed where you can't say a full sentence?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You're not high, right?

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 You good? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You look cute.

Speaker 3 Uh-huh. Thank you.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 4 can I introduce him or no?

Speaker 3 Yeah, do it.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. Introduce him and then let him

Speaker 4 about what she was talking about because that's interesting.

Speaker 3 I forgot what she was saying. About, you know, not being welcomed.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 3 She didn't feel welcomed or whatever. You know, Frankie Quinonez.
Yeah, Quinones, yeah. I said it right.
Frankie Quinnozo. Quinonez.
Yeah. You mean Quinano? Total Fit.

Speaker 3 Yeah. One of my.

Speaker 3 He's on the show. Hey, homie.
What's it?

Speaker 3 Hey, Fool. Hey, Fool.
Hey, homie.

Speaker 3 This fool.

Speaker 3 I got him. He's on the show, hey, homie.

Speaker 2 He's on a very successful hit show.

Speaker 3 It's great. spouse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking love, hey, homie, dog.

Speaker 3 That's actually a good name, bro. I know.
Hey, homie. Hey, homie.

Speaker 2 Dude, you got to steal their idea.

Speaker 3 I want to do Hey Homie, dude.

Speaker 3 Us three can do Hey Homie.

Speaker 3 And we'll go on Hulu and compete against your show, bro.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 He's on This Fool. Second season now, or no? Yeah, yeah.
You guys already shot it? No, we're like halfway through. Oh, so you're in the middle of production? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it going well?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, it's going good, yeah, wow, you're really good on that show, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, oh, thank you, yeah, very had an audition for the show, I didn't do it, I didn't do it. Why?

Speaker 2 Because I couldn't, I couldn't shoot the, I was out of town, I couldn't shoot the tape in the deadline or something, but I it's oh, don't you hate when that happens?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I don't get why the process is like that, they're like, hey, we want you for this part, we need it tomorrow by 3 p.m.

Speaker 2 It was like this, like I remember I had an audition for a movie that that is coming out this year that was that I got the audition like two years ago, Yeah. Right.
And it was a quick turnaround.

Speaker 2 Like, hey, you got to turn this in tomorrow.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 2 And I asked for an extra day because I was like flying back. Right.
And they're like, no, we got to do this right now. That shit did not get cast for another eight months.

Speaker 2 And I was like, come on, really?

Speaker 3 Like, you're going to give me another eight months. Dude, they're fucking liars.
They are. They're fucking liars.

Speaker 3 And it's like, we all fucking dance for them, right? We want to see it now. And you know what I say to them, man? Fuck you.

Speaker 3 You're not going to see it. We'll be poor and we're never going to make it.
That's not what you say. What do I say? Yes, right now.
And just start dancing.

Speaker 3 Oh, you think I'm a dancer? You're not a dancer. Oh, you fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 3 You're right. I am a dancer, dude.

Speaker 3 You want to meet the tape right now? All right.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I have done that. At midnight.
I have.

Speaker 3 Because when you're at my age, you're like, you hear the talk clicking. Talk clicking.

Speaker 3 Talk ticking. Talk.
Talk clicking.

Speaker 3 Another good thing for a show. Let me just see.
Talk clicking. A talk show.

Speaker 2 Talk clicking. Talk clicking.

Speaker 3 Hey, homie. Talk clicking.
Hey, homie. Clock ticking.

Speaker 3 Clock ticking. I fucked it up.

Speaker 2 It's okay. No, you didn't.

Speaker 3 You created magic. I just created magic.
Okay, so my point is, is this, right? So you think, this is my only shot. You know what I mean? Like in your 30s, you go, oh, I'm going to talk to you.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 4 When I think back of how many times I said no for auditions, like, what?

Speaker 3 By tomorrow, no, fuck that.

Speaker 4 Just, oh,

Speaker 4 I'm not going to go in. I know.
They got to give me more time.

Speaker 4 They won't give me more time, John. Well, then I'm not going to go in.

Speaker 3 But you regret it now.

Speaker 4 I should have just said.

Speaker 3 No!

Speaker 3 I should have went in. That's a lesson to you.
Fucking do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. No, I'm very picky about the shit I do.
I say no all the time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you're going to regret the no.

Speaker 2 That's what he just said. No, because you know what?

Speaker 2 You can either regret the no's or you can regret the yeses because then you see the bullshit that you, you, that you were done with like that you did or shot and then you regret what the fuck you did

Speaker 3 Let me say something to you

Speaker 3 are you are you fucking mugging me right now? Yeah, you're pretty poppin' right now

Speaker 3 You're right, you have integrity No, here's the thing because even the shitty shit that you I've said yes to things right and it didn't turn out the way I thought it was gonna turn out But you always learn from these situations.

Speaker 3 Yes. You meet, you always, it's all about relationships in this town, right? So I've done shitty things, met somebody, and then three years later, gotten a job out of that person that I met.

Speaker 3 My point is, is that it's not all out the window and a waste of time.

Speaker 2 No. Here's my thing.

Speaker 2 I am very, like, I have learned, the industry has taught me that in order for me to be on TV, I have to write the thing myself.

Speaker 3 For me.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Now, that's because people, for some reason, can't write for me because they make assumptions of who the fuck the Latino character is. Not even me.
So it's like this thing.

Speaker 2 I realized when I had, yes, when I had my sitcom, I was in every fucking audition. I was in the room at every audition and I would see their resumes as they came in.

Speaker 2 And I noticed that with the Latinos, like Latino men, Latino women, they didn't have comedy experience because we weren't writing for them. So how the fuck do you teach timing?

Speaker 2 How the fuck do you teach people how to act in sitcoms if you're not casting if you're not writing the parts?

Speaker 2 So for me, for me to be on TV, because at that point, you know, it's like, people told me, you'll never be on TV. You're fat.
You got a crooked tooth. So for me, I was like, that's great.

Speaker 3 You don't have a crooked tooth. I fixed it, dude.
You fixed it all. Sitcom money.
That's all right.

Speaker 3 Who got that specific?

Speaker 3 Fuck you.

Speaker 3 That's it.

Speaker 2 But the only thing, but the thing is, is that like, I had put it out of my mind that I was ever going to be on TV because they told me I was never going to be on TV.

Speaker 2 But I wrote my show and I accidentally got on TV. You know, so it's like this thing, though.
When I see like roles that come to me, I don't fit the box that they want for Latinas.

Speaker 2 So I end up getting a lot of sassy, a lot of sassy roles that end up getting cast by black women because I don't fit the box that they want.

Speaker 2 I always say that with Latinas, you're a sex pot, everybody wants to fuck you. And then you have to go away and like slightly slightly retire for 10, 15 years.

Speaker 2 And then you come back as the grandmother.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always like, I'm,

Speaker 2 I did not come to this country. So you can't do that.

Speaker 3 You're looking at this character.

Speaker 3 This is my favorite part of the movie.

Speaker 3 I love it.

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Speaker 3 Do you ever guys think about like what you guys go ahead? No, no.

Speaker 4 I just want to jump. I'm going to jump back on what auditions and roles and stuff.

Speaker 3 Go ahead.

Speaker 3 Well, no, I want you to go now.

Speaker 3 Because I'm going to, we're going to a different direction.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay. You know what I've noticed recently with auditions for Mexican or Latino roles in general?

Speaker 3 They've been requiring a lot of Spanish.

Speaker 4 Oh my gosh. And I'm out.
That's out for me, man. That's out.

Speaker 3 But Frankie's in, right?

Speaker 4 Frankie's good. You didn't say that.
I have to.

Speaker 3 I can't do like conversational, like getting interviewed in Spanish. I was like, fuck off.
Oh, okay. You're kind of like me then.

Speaker 4 But I scripted, I could do.

Speaker 3 Well, let me give you some sentences.

Speaker 3 I want to give you some sentences. See if you guys can do it.
Let's do a fucking little game here. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 Excuse me.

Speaker 4 Where is the

Speaker 3 bathroom?

Speaker 3 Adona salvaño. Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 4 But I wouldn't have, he should have asked me first because I was just everyone could chop it.

Speaker 3 He just got a point.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I just

Speaker 3 don't know.

Speaker 2 Am I playing? Because I'm Spanish in my first language.

Speaker 3 Well, wait, you just know if you just

Speaker 3 kill everybody else.

Speaker 2 No, but I raised my hand and then you went to him.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God, my bad. I went to the page.
Or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you also said, excuse me.

Speaker 2 So the correct thing would have been con permiso.

Speaker 3 Ton des advanced. Oh, yeah, confirmiso en salad.
Ah, look at it.

Speaker 3 That's yours. Oh, yeah.
That's my

Speaker 3 mom.

Speaker 4 See, I wouldn't be able to do that. I'd have to call my mom.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And then my mom would tell me how to say it. I would write it down phonetically,

Speaker 4 not in Spanish. I would write it down phonetically.

Speaker 3 I grew up in farmland.

Speaker 4 And my parents speak Spanish. Yeah.
So

Speaker 4 I understand it. We just never,

Speaker 3 they didn't teach us Spanish.

Speaker 2 Were you part of the generation where your parents spoke Spanish, but they didn't want you speaking Spanish?

Speaker 3 Because it was like you got a job.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, in my neighborhood, it was like, like, there were a lot of people that spoke Spanish parents that had kids that wouldn't teach them English because it almost seemed like

Speaker 2 because it almost felt in a weird way, and I don't mean this, but it's like, like, it's like, it's almost like a promotion. Like, they were here in the United States.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is what happened.

Speaker 4 My dad, you know, my mom is is a stay-at-home mom. My dad's like, I'll work, you know, back in the day, right? It's back in the old school style.
So he told my mom, you teach them Spanish at home.

Speaker 4 But then my mom said, no, I don't want to teach them Spanish because she thought we would have an accent.

Speaker 4 And when she was growing up, they put all the Mexican kids in the back who had who had accents. They put them in the back of the class.
So my mom was like, no, I don't want them to have any accents.

Speaker 4 So, which is not true.

Speaker 3 It is true. Look what I'm at.
He doesn't have an accent. They put me here in the back of the

Speaker 3 podcast. You see? Oh, yeah.
They do. Yeah, yeah.
You don't have to stay in the back. You're not alone there.
You're not alone in my Spanish.

Speaker 3 You're the one that fucking colonized the family. Exactly.

Speaker 3 You're a pale-ass Spanish.

Speaker 2 That's why I came to do this podcast to fucking knock you out.

Speaker 3 And Detsa not a Mexican either, Carlos. Are you Mexican? Really? These are real Mexicans here.
I'm really Mexican. My parents are from Mexico City.

Speaker 4 All right. Yeah, well, he's got his blood.
He's got his ancestors.

Speaker 3 Right. Is what you guys had.

Speaker 4 See, I would have been an Aztec warrior, dude, if it hadn't been for his ancestors coming over.

Speaker 3 Frankie and I would have been freaking warriors, bro.

Speaker 3 So anyway,

Speaker 4 so get this.

Speaker 3 Let me tell you what happened.

Speaker 4 All right. So I did one.
I think it was for that show. I did an audition for that show.

Speaker 3 Hentified.

Speaker 3 Hey, homie.

Speaker 3 Hey, why is it?

Speaker 3 It's got to be. We got to do something.

Speaker 4 Anyway, Hentified, remember that series?

Speaker 4 Yes, yes. But they required, they even asked at one point, when you're done with the audition, like after you do your read, we want you to do 30 seconds, a minimum of a convers.

Speaker 4 Tell us about yourself in Spanish, minimum of 30 seconds, dude.

Speaker 3 So Rob DeRocha helped me.

Speaker 4 I had to have Rob DeRocha come over because he's fluent.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 4 So, and then I'm doing poor guy's like trying to help me.

Speaker 4 Then there was a couple of lines, and I have, I gotta, I gotta post this one of these days, but I read my line in Spanish and Rob starts to deliver his line and he just starts laughing.

Speaker 3 Like he's like, so bad. It was that bad.

Speaker 4 And I read my line, whatever it was.

Speaker 3 That's great. That's great.
Johnny.

Speaker 3 I masked everything you said.

Speaker 3 So what do you say?

Speaker 3 What you just said? I don't remember what it was, but it was. Peter, penny, pedophile, petal.

Speaker 3 It was something like that,

Speaker 3 or something like that.

Speaker 3 And then Rob starts to go, see, Betty, you go take it! And he starts laughing his ass off. I go, what happened?

Speaker 4 He goes, dude, it's just, yeah, you're not sick. Like, I don't, because I.

Speaker 3 And because he did that in the audition, you probably fucked yourself off.

Speaker 4 That was it right there.

Speaker 3 I mean, you know, it was a home test. You go in with that.
But no, no, no. Oh, it was tape.

Speaker 4 It was tape. And you sent it in.
but still,

Speaker 4 he just kind of went. He took the best out of all the bad, all the bad ones, and he just goes, I would send that one.

Speaker 4 He goes, besides, white people are going to think maybe if the producers aren't Latino or they're not Mexican, they might think it's okay.

Speaker 4 But I've been seeing a lot of Spanish in auditions, dude. And that's just, it's a, it's a, I can't do that.
I can't do that.

Speaker 3 But you can.

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 3 I cannot have conversation.

Speaker 4 Like he said, I can't have conversations.

Speaker 3 Look at the Australians, right, that learn how to speak in an American accent. But that's a conflict.

Speaker 3 I'm not learning the whole language.

Speaker 3 Hey, look at me. I'm speaking Spanish right now.

Speaker 3 That's different. I am so fluent in Spanish.

Speaker 3 Remember that time at the place talking?

Speaker 3 That was crazy, man. Ricky, it turns out you know Spanish all along.

Speaker 3 Spanish is hard.

Speaker 3 Hey, it's in my broad.

Speaker 3 So if you had an audition, and if, oh, you do speak Korean, right?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah, that's so

Speaker 3 could you speak some Korean?

Speaker 4 Could you go in a, if it's, if it's an audition and you're supposed to have a conversation back and forth, would you be no?

Speaker 3 Okay. No, no, no, no, no.
So do you get hit up for auditions like that? Yeah, but my agent's not going, he's not going to do it. Yeah.
Oh, okay. They already know.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because I can't.

Speaker 3 I've tried it. Even my Asian accent sucks.
I have two types. Yeah.
High and low.

Speaker 4 That sounds like an Asian's name.

Speaker 3 How are you doing today?

Speaker 3 Like Chinese, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 And then you do that Japanese thing a lot.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sometimes I think, but can I pivot now a little bit or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 I just wanted to say that I'm noticing this has not been good for me lately because I don't know what's going on and why everybody's requiring Spanish these roles, but you know, look at Pedro Pascal and these guys, dude.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 they're already fluent.

Speaker 4 So it's, so I got to write my, in other words, kind of, kind of going off of what Crisela was talking about, for me, I feel like I have to do the same thing because they're not going to write shit for a coconut, dude.

Speaker 4 They don't want, Hollywood doesn't want coconut

Speaker 3 people what coconut is.

Speaker 4 Brown on the outside, white on the inside. I'm a banana.
You're a banana.

Speaker 3 Filipinos are twinkies. A twinkies, yeah.
Yeah. What are you? Well, same thing.
Pocho, you say pocho is like a

Speaker 4 pocho's bad.

Speaker 4 That's a low dig. It is? I used to get in fights over pocho, dude, when I was in school.

Speaker 3 It's similar to coconut, though. Yeah, but isn't it? Coconut sounds worse.

Speaker 3 There's a couple of implications there that you're kind of crazy. Okay.

Speaker 4 Okay, because we said

Speaker 4 Koreans, a banana, right?

Speaker 4 Filipinos, Twinkie.

Speaker 4 We know blacks, Oreo, right?

Speaker 3 Can I just say something? Wait, wait, let me get it.

Speaker 4 Guess what I found out? Native Americans call the whitewashed ones radish.

Speaker 4 How great is that one?

Speaker 3 That's great because of red. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 4 Red on the outside, white on the the in.

Speaker 3 Oh, I didn't know.

Speaker 3 Why is it all about food? I know, right?

Speaker 3 Matt. I know, I know.

Speaker 2 There's a fucking hungry generalizer.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
But when they say white in the inside, it's not white. We're American.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but it's. Why did they always like say

Speaker 4 whitewash? They just say whitewash.

Speaker 3 We were born. I was born in America.
Yeah. And I'm an American.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know what I? I don't call myself a Mexican. You know what I consider a Mexican-American? What?

Speaker 4 It's somebody who was born in Mexico and then came here and became and then got their citizenship and became American or Armenian American.

Speaker 4 I was calling myself American-Mexican when I was in school, and everybody laughed at me back then.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you guys love Antonio Banderas? Antonio Banderas. Oh my God, dude, I love Antonio Banderas.
Yeah, I love that. Is he Mexican? No, no, no.
No, he's not. My bad.

Speaker 3 He's Spanish, right? Yeah, he's Spanish.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's my bad mother.

Speaker 2 He's not dressed as his uncle.

Speaker 3 He's not that's his uncle.

Speaker 3 Dude,

Speaker 3 I remember that preview from the trailer from Interview with a Vampire back in the day.

Speaker 3 We used to die laughing because the announcer would be like, you know, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 We're like, eh, holy that's his son.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He was in the movie? Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 4 Interview with a vampire.

Speaker 3 Wait, he was a Spanish vampire? His Arman. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 3 I haven't seen that in so long. I forgot about that.

Speaker 4 It's so good.

Speaker 3 It's a talent. Yeah, yeah.
I haven't seen it in years, but I've been loving it.

Speaker 3 Can we pivot a little bit about that? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you have anything else you don't have to say about the topic of auditioning and stuff?

Speaker 3 No, but I was going to say. We're not going to talk about it here.
No, no.

Speaker 4 I just want to say, remember one time on Mad?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 I was supposed to come out. They were doing a fake thing that Mad was going over to Mexico.
Mad TV. Yeah, that the show was going to start airing.

Speaker 3 We were both on Mad TV. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And so Colton Dunn loved Colton, right?

Speaker 3 great writer actor

Speaker 4 I don't I don't I don't like this you're just you're just going through the motions so I get this over with he's telling for a new generation who's watching this

Speaker 4 got it that's true they don't even know about it

Speaker 4 he wrote a monologue for me to come out and I and I was gonna do it and so he wrote it in English and then he just hit translate the translation

Speaker 4 I don't know what the kind of Spanish that was all right there were words in there I had never I was like what is this and Colton's like it's, I just hit translation on Google.

Speaker 3 You were so funny on that, Joe.

Speaker 3 I was so proud to work with you.

Speaker 4 It was fun. Yeah.
It was a fun two years.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
Go on. You know what? That was,

Speaker 3 that you can cut out. No, we're not.
That last piece of that. No, we're keeping it up.
No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pivot, panic.

Speaker 3 Pivot, panic. All right, Lommy.
What you got now?

Speaker 3 Hey, homie, episode one. Pivot, panic.

Speaker 3 Yeah, pivot. I'm going to pivot right now a little bit.

Speaker 3 You about to pivot?

Speaker 3 Now I kind of don't want to pivot. No, not even.
Now I feel like the pivot's not going to work. No, no.

Speaker 3 Do you have any desire to learn, speak more Korean, or are you just like, ah, I am who I am? That's it. Well, I just don't know how that would help me.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Because, you know, Koreans, you know, are doing well in movies, but the Koreans in Korea are making their own movies. I'll never be as good as them to be in a movie like that.
So it's like, and

Speaker 3 I don't really get Asian parts anymore. I'm just like, I think I'm more known as a slackery kind of fuck up.
You know what I mean? And so I'm getting kind of those stonery kind of.

Speaker 2 Which is actually a really cool place to be at. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Once you become, I'm sorry,

Speaker 4 but once you be, it's, you know, called it like you're, once you become a type,

Speaker 4 you could work all forever. And I'm telling you, like those actors that are character actors, they, they're a type.
Like Luis Guzman.

Speaker 4 This dude has worked because he's always going to be, when they go, hey, we need kind of like a sloppy Hispanic dude, it's Luis Guzman. They're going to go to Luis every single time.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 He's a type. He's been a type for 30 years.

Speaker 3 But even if I'm like, if I'm on Reservation Dogs and I play a doctor, I'm the same kind of as the Magnum Piago. I'm just

Speaker 3 bad guy. Yeah.
You know, pivot. Yeah.
Pivot.

Speaker 4 I come every time I start talking, it's pivot time.

Speaker 3 Because you talk a lot.

Speaker 3 I've actually been. Okay.

Speaker 3 You're right. No, you're talking.

Speaker 3 You're right. You're right.
No, I talk a lot.

Speaker 3 My bad. You did.

Speaker 3 I love you. I have taught me the most.
I have talked the most. I have talked the most.

Speaker 3 I can't attack her. Yeah, you can.

Speaker 4 No, but she's bringing up great points. She's making it interesting.

Speaker 3 You guys are killing it. This is so fun.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much for being there. That just seemed to be fun.
No, I'm being real. I mean, this has been so fucking fun.
Oh, I love it. Okay.
Thank you. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 Pivot.

Speaker 2 He only pointed to us because you were late.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, I love it. No, I know.
Hey, brother, bro. You have family time.
You have fun with you. I know.

Speaker 3 I was relieved to see they were here, though, because when George and me was like, yeah, they're going to have Mexican Day or Bad Friends. I was like, what?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Mexican Day.
Who'd you think I was going to be here? I was like, oh, I don't know, like a big old home. Okay, by the way,

Speaker 2 I wasn't even told that it was Mexican Day. Oh, you weren't?

Speaker 3 Well, when I told you it was with the two people that are on here, you didn't make that assumption?

Speaker 2 No, I just thought that we were comics.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're right.

Speaker 3 He told me.

Speaker 2 And then I come here and it's a fucking, like, he said you're right in South Padilla.

Speaker 3 The Spanish fuckers did this. This bitch

Speaker 3 betray you.

Speaker 3 It's a betrayal.

Speaker 3 Again, the Spanish.

Speaker 3 So I always think to myself, if I see a Western or whatever, right, I think to myself, oh, if I was an Asian back then, I'm who I am now, with all my eccentric behaviors and who I am, what would I do like a hundred years ago?

Speaker 3 What job would I have? What kind of woman would I have as a wife, you know, in America? What do you guys think you'd be doing?

Speaker 4 I would, I would have, oh, like if I grew up in my dad's era, my dad was born in 1935. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I probably would have been like him, like a lot of labor work,

Speaker 4 construction, pull plastic.

Speaker 3 You're little too, so. What's that got to do with LA? What's that? Yeah.

Speaker 3 What does that have to do with construction?

Speaker 3 Or if I owned the farm, I would just. God, look at the little guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know, you would have gone to an interim camp and not even being Japanese. You probably would have been sent to an interim camp.

Speaker 3 Let's go.

Speaker 4 Because they would have just been like, we don't care if you're Korean.

Speaker 3 I'm pretty sure there were some Koreans there. Like, what are we doing here? Right.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Like that.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So you would be working. What are we doing here? I would be.

Speaker 3 I know, right? It's like.

Speaker 2 You know, it's actually, that does sound like a Mexican accent.

Speaker 2 If you did the whole, like, what are you doing here?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 go up. Yeah, go up.
What are you doing here? What about you, Cristella?

Speaker 3 I think. I already know what you'd be, but go ahead.

Speaker 2 I come from a family that's very old-fashioned. My dad kidnapped my mom in

Speaker 2 her village in Mexico.

Speaker 3 Your dad kidnapped your mom.

Speaker 2 That's how people got married back then.

Speaker 3 God, the simpler days. I know, Jay.
Oh, those are the jokey assistants.

Speaker 2 Imagine if you were still unfuckable in those days.

Speaker 3 No. Well, what if my kidnapped skills aren't good? No, if you have to delure.
You would have no choice.

Speaker 2 No, the man would just go to the house and make the woman go with him and the woman had no option. So that's my mom.

Speaker 3 So I would say that if I was she eventually fell in love with your dad? No.

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 My mom was actually the first woman in her family to ever leave her husband. She tried to leave him and she went to her brother and her brother took her back to the husband

Speaker 2 that was abusive. and he said your job as a woman is to be his wife poor women

Speaker 2 to me like that's what i would that's what i would say my life would be my life would be to just

Speaker 2 i was raised as a kid in texas to make sure that my brothers were taken care of all the men you know had more rights than i was and that's why it's kind of weird that i get to do stand-up and that i've gotten to the place that i've been at because it's a total 180 from where i grew up in you know so like for me i wasn't saying you're going to be a community organizer or something you seem like one of of those people that were like

Speaker 3 with the fault, you know,

Speaker 3 half my life is that back in the day, you know, back in the day, half my life is that.

Speaker 2 Like, right now, that's what like I'm going to DC

Speaker 2 tomorrow to do a anyway.

Speaker 3 What about you, Frankie?

Speaker 3 I was going to go to DC tomorrow

Speaker 2 to

Speaker 2 you know, to put my feet around someone's dick.

Speaker 3 Oh, he missed that. He wasn't here.
He wasn't here. He wasn't here.
He wasn't here.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, I'm sorry, Frankie, That's my side hustle.

Speaker 3 See, Frankie's here.

Speaker 3 Well, I proposed this earlier.

Speaker 2 Hey, homie, that's part of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 If somebody DM'd you and said, hey, bro, I'm a big fan.

Speaker 3 You know, I'm a billionaire, right?

Speaker 3 How much would I have to pay you?

Speaker 3 I don't know. Billionaires talk like that.
Hey, bro, I'm a big fan. I'm a billionaire.
He invented Lowriders. He invented Lowrider.

Speaker 3 Hey, bro. I invented Lowriders lowriders and mariachi.

Speaker 3 Mariachi. Mariachi.
Just one. Mariachi.

Speaker 3 500 years old. Mariachi.
You know what I mean? Is that a guitar or a singer or a player?

Speaker 3 Mariachi? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's a whole crew.

Speaker 4 It's a group.

Speaker 3 Oh, a mariachi is a group. Yeah, the mariachis.
So if like one guy's like,

Speaker 3 whatever. You're still

Speaker 3 a mariachi.

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Speaker 3 You rabbit fuck? Yeah. Like,

Speaker 3 yeah, fuck, pop, pop, pop, fuck, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 You like when guys rabbit fuck, do you like it or not? I didn't even know rabbit fuck was a thing.

Speaker 3 So now she has a woman with a short guy. I mean, Asia's called the sewing machine.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't fuck with the store guy.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 What is your side? Short guy.

Speaker 2 I thought you said store guy.

Speaker 3 Store guy.

Speaker 3 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 3 So no one's ever rabbit fucked you? Like really fast?

Speaker 3 Really? So you do slow form?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is that a short guy thing? Is that a

Speaker 3 rabbit fucking thing? I don't always rabbit fuck, though. Do you always sewing machine? What? I do sewing machine all the time.
Every time?

Speaker 3 Do you think that in your head I'm like, oh, I'm fucking her good because I'm rabbit fucking

Speaker 3 accent in his head?

Speaker 3 No, but I'll do slow form, and then all of a sudden, you know, if you could see him, if I was a cartoon, you would see a light bulb of my head. Oh, right.

Speaker 3 And then you would see that would vanish, and you'd see a rabbit, right? And then I'm like, rabbit time. Right? Oh, shit.
And I'll do it for like 20 stages hard. Right? Like, hard.

Speaker 3 And the R. And the Google, I don't know what their faces are like, but I don't think they like it.

Speaker 3 And then they're like,

Speaker 3 this is weird.

Speaker 3 It's too fast. It's too fast.
This is for him. Maybe it's hard.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck, man.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 for him. I think I'm doing it for her, but it's probably.
Oh, no, it's not for her. No, that's not for her.
It's not for her. It's not for her at all.

Speaker 2 Right there, when you start doing that, they think that it's all about you and you're interested in getting it off and you're not going to do shit for her.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's

Speaker 3 offensive, what you just said.

Speaker 3 Because it's true. No, because you're saying that when I rabbit fuck, at the end of my rabbit fucking, there's come.

Speaker 3 It's not. No.
I go back to slow form. No, no, no.
I'm saying that. I go back to slow form.

Speaker 2 No, it's not offensive because I'm saying that's what they think at that moment.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 2 they don't know what's coming.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 4 literally.

Speaker 3 Are they relieved when I start going back into slow form? I would say so.

Speaker 3 Yes, I would say so.

Speaker 3 I would say so. I would say so.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I can see them thinking that.

Speaker 4 Yeah, right.

Speaker 3 Like, oh, he's going to rabbit. He's ready to bust.
He's going to write.

Speaker 3 And they go, oh, no, just kidding.

Speaker 4 Just kidding.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 She's Mexican.

Speaker 4 She probably is relieved at that point.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 3 all right.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like when you're playing a video game and you're full power of your character. And then rapid fuck is full power.
And then you're like, oh, I got to like wait to load up again.

Speaker 3 Right, right. The little energy bar kind of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You got to like take it to the edge and

Speaker 3 recharge it.

Speaker 2 Like, you got to find like a life support shit or something.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 some crates, you know. Well, I'm old and I'm not in shape.
Yeah, I could rabbit fuck for days in my early 20s. I always pictured you.
Who likes to rabbit fuck, though, as women? Yeah. Are you serious?

Speaker 3 Bro, I could rabbit fuck for days, bro. Well, you want rabbit fucking a vibrator.

Speaker 2 No, it's not.

Speaker 3 A vibrator is a vibrator. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm not the flash. Yeah, I am.

Speaker 3 The flash could do a vibrating thing.

Speaker 2 Babe, you're writing your own Yelp review.

Speaker 3 I never asked.

Speaker 4 I always pictured you as a, I'm just going to lay on my back and have the girl ride you. You seem like that kind of guy.

Speaker 3 No, but

Speaker 3 I'm not. I can see that.
I can see that.

Speaker 3 Because you're a slacker guy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I just, I totally would not picture you doing the sewing machine. Because you're lazy.
You know, you even say it. You don't like to do anything.
You're fucking lazy.

Speaker 2 Wow. He's like, Bobby's accepting all of this.

Speaker 2 He's like really processing this.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you know what's weird? Whenever they say something, you laugh hysterically. I say something, you say.

Speaker 3 No, okay, draw it.

Speaker 3 Damn, dude.

Speaker 3 Pivot, panic, pivot, panic.

Speaker 3 Pivot, panic. Pivot panic.

Speaker 3 What you're saying,

Speaker 3 I think about, right? Because it's very potent what you're saying and real. And I'm trying to analyze what you're saying.
That's why. Oh.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because you do like being on

Speaker 3 a girl on top, right? That's true. But can I say something right now?

Speaker 3 My friend.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 3 My old friend.

Speaker 3 Amigo. Yep.
You can rap a style from the bottom. What's that about? Oh,

Speaker 3 check him out. You're doing the under power thrust.

Speaker 3 You're getting the undercurrent, you know. Right?

Speaker 3 You don't know my moves from the bottom on my back.

Speaker 2 I will tell you this. I think that

Speaker 2 women, or maybe me,

Speaker 2 when I meet a guy, I imagine how they're going to fuck.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 2 And sometimes I don't want to fuck them by what they look like.

Speaker 3 Oh, right. yeah.
How about this? This is great.

Speaker 4 Have you ever been surprised, though, when you thought you had a homie figured out?

Speaker 3 Rarely. Okay,

Speaker 2 but I'll tell you this. And I but

Speaker 2 when I say, let me disclaim it: when I say by what they look like, I don't mean physical looks, I mean by like

Speaker 2 when you were saying the slacker thing, yeah, like I agreed with you.

Speaker 3 Oh, like they're vibe. All right, so let's just play this game.
Let's do it.

Speaker 3 Wait, wait, we don't know Frankie, Johnny, or me. No, right? We're at a fucking of you, none.
We could be at a bar or a quincinera, whatever whatever you want. Okay.

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 3 whatever you want in this scenario, okay? Let's go bar.

Speaker 3 All right. Okay.
So we're at a bar, right?

Speaker 3 In

Speaker 3 Albuquerque.

Speaker 3 Been there, love it. Okay.

Speaker 3 So we're in a bar in Albuquerque, right? We're homies. Yeah.
Us three. We walk in.
Yeah. Hey, homie.
You know how we do. Yeah.
Hey, homie. Hey, homie.

Speaker 3 You know how we do it, right?

Speaker 3 And you're looking at us. So go to Johnny first.
How would he fuck? Just based on his look.

Speaker 3 And be real, Johnny's a strong guy. He's a comic legend.

Speaker 3 Let's go read it.

Speaker 3 She's gonna know that whole backstory, though. She's going based off just look.

Speaker 3 That's what she said that she can do.

Speaker 3 That's what she said she can do.

Speaker 2 I would say that Johnny likes to take his time in a good way.

Speaker 2 I think that just by looking at him, I know that he's not like, he's not in his 20s. So he actually has been around where he might have picked up a couple lessons, like a lot of tips.

Speaker 2 So I think that for me, like, just seeing that, I'm like, you know what? If I saw Johnny at a bar and like we were in that realm, I would be like, you know what? I would maybe chance it.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I would probably, you know, it's like, because, because of the, it's like, what, and by the way, question.

Speaker 2 Like, when I say that I assume, like, you know, that I guess what the guys are and stuff, I also mean that I've talked to them a little bit too.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So it's like, so, okay.

Speaker 3 You want to get some conversations going on?

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to have that.

Speaker 3 Okay. But you know kind of vaguely what he talks like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I would be like, just from that and like what he looks like, I would be like,

Speaker 2 he might be like a decent fuck. Frankie.

Speaker 2 Frankie, I think.

Speaker 3 Bro, bro, bro. This could hurt.
So I'm just too excited.

Speaker 3 How do you feel right now?

Speaker 4 She's pretty spot on, and I'll tell you.

Speaker 3 Oh, so gross.

Speaker 3 So gross.

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you why.

Speaker 4 I don't know if it's because I was raised with three older sisters, no brothers.

Speaker 3 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 4 I take care of the woman first.

Speaker 3 It's all about her.

Speaker 2 People rarely do that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 3 Like, men rarely do that.

Speaker 4 Men don't. It's all about them.
So I take my time. I've always,

Speaker 4 I'm not lying. I've been told I'm very,

Speaker 4 one word that's been used for me for years and years, passionate. And I'm very passionate.

Speaker 3 Oh, I almost vomited in my mouth. Yeah.
Oh, that's so. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I take my time.

Speaker 4 I make sure she's all right.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to do it. Yeah, Frankie.
Frankie and I do that too, dog.

Speaker 3 We do it too, dog. She's pretty close.
All right, let's go to Frankie now.

Speaker 2 Now, I would think that Frankie, if we were at a bar, I would be excited to see him. If we talk, I'm like, oh, you know what? This could go either way.
He could either be really great, but I doubt it.

Speaker 2 Because I actually think that he's the kind of guy that would probably have a couple choices.

Speaker 2 And when people have a couple choices, they don't really focus on one person because they're spreading it around.

Speaker 3 So, what you're saying is

Speaker 3 she's like, he would be happy to have,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 3 This is his only shit that's going on. He's got a fucking water buffalo.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's exactly what I think. Exactly.
I know.

Speaker 3 And that's true.

Speaker 3 No, no, no. And

Speaker 3 she's spot on. Okay, good.

Speaker 4 I've never been a guy that's had a bunch of options.

Speaker 2 I've never been a woman that's had a lot of options.

Speaker 3 Like, I've never had options. He's lying.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm telling the truth.

Speaker 4 You are lying. That was only because they didn't see me perform and I was young.

Speaker 3 When he was young and the hottest comic NLA, this guy used to be the hottest comic NLA, right? When he says this,

Speaker 3 dude, leather jacket. I used to watch you from the back.
I go, this guy's a rock star. Yeah.
A fucking rock star.

Speaker 4 But the girls are hooked up with me because I was on stage, Bobby. That's they.

Speaker 3 How many can we? Any of us get it?

Speaker 3 enough about that. No me.

Speaker 3 So here's the thing.

Speaker 3 What are you looking at, bro? I know.

Speaker 3 Because I know pain's coming.

Speaker 3 I know pain's coming, so I need some support. That's why I look at Carlos, right? I know some pain's coming.
I'm not going to lock eyes with you during this segment, right?

Speaker 3 I'm going to look at Carlos, right? And I'm not going to have any expressions, and I'm going to take it like a man. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Since you said that we had already talked, I think that I would consider you very hard to impress on my end.

Speaker 2 I think that you're actually somebody that, you know, because you think that you're not fuckable or whatever, but the way that you talk,

Speaker 2 you're actually somebody that's very intimidating towards a woman. So because like the way that you talk, you're not playing any games that the women are used to.

Speaker 2 You are not like, you are not what women are used to dealing with. So they don't know what the fuck to do with you.

Speaker 2 So like imagine, like, you know, like, that's why when Johnny was saying that you look like a, like, because you give off the slacker vibes, you would expect that the woman would be like dominant, meaning that you want to be dominant and like not doing anything.

Speaker 2 And that is actually very confusing because at this point, it's just like, wait, I either, A, I'm going to have to do all the work because you seem like you don't give a shit enough, like, like, where you're just, like, happy, you're like

Speaker 2 calm, you're where you are, like, whatever. But when I talk to you, it's just like, man,

Speaker 2 does he want to fuck or not?

Speaker 2 And it's that thing where, like, so when we actually get to have sex, yeah, you know, it's like, I don't, it's a riddle because, and I'll tell you this, I will say,

Speaker 3 it was a mind game. I'm a Batman villain.

Speaker 2 You're a henchman. Like, you wait your turn.

Speaker 3 I can't even think I'm not.

Speaker 3 I can't even think I riddle me these.

Speaker 2 No, you know why you're a henchman? Because people don't know shit about the backstory of the henchman. And that's you.
Oh, wow. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Everybody knows a fucking people.

Speaker 2 You got a bad side to you.

Speaker 3 Oh, there we go.

Speaker 4 But with Bobby, do you think the end result would be satisfying? Or you'd be doing it too much work?

Speaker 2 There is no answer because Bobby, like,

Speaker 2 I will say, fucking Bobby is having like,

Speaker 2 buying a candy that's a mystery flavor. Wow.
And you don't know.

Speaker 3 Like a Harry Potter candy.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know anything about Harry Potter, but like airheads, they have a mystery flavor that's like question mark.

Speaker 3 You're like, ooh, question mark? What is it?

Speaker 2 Like, you would be.

Speaker 3 I'm a mystery flavor.

Speaker 2 He's like somebody that I wouldn't know.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't know. Which way it's going to go, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I could have a dig or a platypus foot.
Oh, no, you definitely.

Speaker 2 No, you definitely have a dick. But it's either, like, you know what it is? It's like, I would either expect that, like, when you tell people, like, like, I could either be like, fucking Bobby Lee.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly. That's a fucking

Speaker 3 shut up. Fuck you, Frankie.
Fuck you, Frankie.

Speaker 4 I never saw you this interesting. I'm like, oh, wow.

Speaker 2 You know what? Because, you know,

Speaker 2 I was actually saying this right, I think right before we started recording it.

Speaker 2 It's like, the reason I said, like, when Bobby asked me to be on the podcast today, I said, yes, I like Bobby a lot because he's no bullshit. So it's that thing where like he doesn't hold back.

Speaker 2 He's very him. So like, that's the thing that, for me, I'm like, whatever he says goes.
And it's just like, and that's how you know who he is.

Speaker 2 So at a bar, if I saw you and we talked, I'm like, that's what, like, at least I know who the fuck you are. You're not telling me that you're looking for something serious.

Speaker 2 You're not trying, like, just to get me, like, just to try to get me back into your, like, to your house or something.

Speaker 3 Now, it's our turn.

Speaker 3 Hey, by the way, I don't mean to pivot real quick, but she was talking about villains.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 4 I just want to ask a question, because I find myself, ever since I was a kid, I always gravitated to the villains and not the heroes.

Speaker 3 Me too. Okay.

Speaker 4 Like when I, I remember watching the first Star Wars, you know, the very first Star Wars.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 4 you know, there's Luke, there's Han Solo, whatever. I just was like, nothing, nothing.
I'm just like this. As soon as I saw Darth Vader, I'm like, there's my guy.

Speaker 4 And I've always been, I just lean toward, I love the Riddler. I love, the Joker's my favorite villain of.

Speaker 3 Because they're complex characters. I mean, you look at Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver, right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, what a dark character, but you're on his side because a lot of his issues you kind of relate to, you know, the isolation, the overthinking, you know, you know,

Speaker 3 if I was in a stand-up comic and had the life that I had, I could see myself not become a killer or anything like that, but I could see myself going dark and thinking a lot.

Speaker 3 And I mean, because I have weird inner thoughts, you know what I mean? I just don't act on them and whatnot, but I relate to those characters. Me too.
Is that what it is?

Speaker 4 Maybe that's, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that to me, it's kind of like I see certain villains as an underdog.

Speaker 2 And it's because the way that we show the good, the quote-unquote good.

Speaker 4 How you're supposed to be kind of.

Speaker 2 The good team, the good side is always very like, oh, man, they're just perfect.

Speaker 4 Vanilla.

Speaker 2 Like, they're just, oh, man, look at, like, they have.

Speaker 4 The looks.

Speaker 2 They have everything. It's kind of like, I always go back to like Bad News Bears, right? It's like a team of just like these like people that come in together and try to make it work.

Speaker 2 And like, they're seen as the underdog.

Speaker 2 And a lot of the villains, Darth Vader to me, is kind of like a different thing because if you look at the merchandising, Darth Vader is just so dominant over the good side because the good side has so many heroes, but we always go back to Darth Vader, right?

Speaker 2 So he's dominant, right?

Speaker 3 But it's that thing where like there's also so empathy there because you have the emperor, yes, right? So, you know, he's not, you know, he's being manipulated too from a guy above him.

Speaker 3 100%.

Speaker 2 And then he had a lot of trauma as a young kid right yeah and anger issues yeah yeah when you see the prequels you actually start thinking like oh when you see anakin's rise you're thinking oh now i know why he's darth you know and you kind of can't like what is it uh with like like princess amidalia or whatever it's like you know you start seeing him and you're like fuck like now i get why he's a dick you know what i mean yeah to me that's why like when we get to delve into the villains and honestly i think that the villains the villains and the heroes those are labels that we create but in our everyday life we have villains and we have heroes that we label because the heroes are nice to us and the villains aren't and sometimes the villains aren't nice to us because maybe we're the villains back to them

Speaker 4 you know so i love that kind of yeah i'm probably a villain when i drink right bobby

Speaker 4 i changed to the villain yeah yeah um that's interesting yeah yeah you know you said you brought up teams like the bad news bear when i was a kid My dad was a diehard 49er fan, right?

Speaker 4 So he had the whole outfit for me

Speaker 3 You can finish. I promise you'll finish.

Speaker 4 I promise you'll finish.

Speaker 3 Let me just

Speaker 3 see you work. Okay.
All right. Yes.
Let's go on baseball now. No, no, no, no.
Let me just say this. I'm not going to go into baseball.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 3 So I'm a 49er fan, right?

Speaker 4 The colors, gold, red, white. It's a bright.
I started watching the Raiders. They were mean.
They were dirty. They cheated.
And they were black. They were in black.

Speaker 4 And I just fell in love with that team, dude.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And the jerseys were black.

Speaker 3 I mean, the jerseys were black. That helmet was silver.

Speaker 4 Their hair was outside of their helmets.

Speaker 3 They call them mullets.

Speaker 4 They didn't even, that wasn't even mullets, Steve. This is the

Speaker 3 70s.

Speaker 4 So I remember I switched to the, you know, broke my dad's heart. The rest of my family, all all Niner fans, all of them.
And I went to the Darks

Speaker 4 just because, like she said, she liked the bad news. I love the Raiders because

Speaker 4 they were mean and dirty, dude. And as a kid, I was just like,

Speaker 4 and I think that's because I got picked on a lot. You know what I mean? Because I was the smallest kid in the class.

Speaker 3 Middle guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, it's funny is that my family, I'm the only Cowboys fan. Everybody in my family is Steelers.

Speaker 3 And I totally understand that. Steelers.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, because I want to say that in the 70s, they had an exhibit game or or something in Mexico, and my family, we just became in love with the Steelers.

Speaker 2 And because I was born and was raised in Texas, I picked cowboys. And it's just that thing where your family doesn't understand why.

Speaker 2 It's almost like you have

Speaker 2 this problem.

Speaker 3 Yeah, totally.

Speaker 3 Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But anyway, I just was curious about villains, people with

Speaker 4 I just didn't know that. But I guess other people do that and gravitate towards.

Speaker 2 I love Bobby's facial expressions throughout all of it. He hides nothing.
Like,

Speaker 2 you talk about trying to change it, and he's like, oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But how come he keeps doing that face when I talk and nobody else?

Speaker 3 Can I be completely honest with you? Can I be honest with you?

Speaker 4 Yeah, Bobby.

Speaker 3 Of course. Because I know you the best.

Speaker 3 I have a long history with you. Yeah, right.
And

Speaker 3 yeah, I mean, I

Speaker 3 love you, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like we visited his, like, if we visited Bobby's house, Frankie and I would use the guest bathroom.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're in the main.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're like,

Speaker 2 you get to use the fantasy soaps.

Speaker 3 My body washers do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 We do go back, man. You know, I met you in 9, we met in 98.

Speaker 3 I know. Oh, my God.
I know.

Speaker 4 That's 25 years ago.

Speaker 3 That's insane.

Speaker 2 What? 25? I thought it was.

Speaker 4 98.

Speaker 3 98? Is that 25? 25 years ago.

Speaker 2 Man, I was going to add 10.

Speaker 4 No, you're thinking 90.

Speaker 3 You're thinking 88.

Speaker 3 88 is 35 years ago.

Speaker 3 98 is 25. How old do you think we are?

Speaker 2 Well, apparently from your stories.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm older than Bob.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 I've known you. I was

Speaker 3 enamored by you. Yeah.
Anyway.

Speaker 4 And I was the only one nice to Bonnie at the comedy store.

Speaker 3 Let me just say this, okay?

Speaker 3 Great episode.

Speaker 4 Oh, are we done? Yeah.

Speaker 3 No one great episode. Chemistry was great.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I generally don't laugh that hard. But with

Speaker 3 these ones, when I do this, kind. He was going to say myself.

Speaker 4 These ones like these.

Speaker 3 He was going to be like, oh, I did. The grand one was so fun, too.
Oh, yeah. And they're just talking about.

Speaker 4 You like the themed ones.

Speaker 3 Not just themed. I like being with

Speaker 3 people that I like, that are funny, and seeing what the mixture is. Because even the last one, I didn't know what the mixture would be like.

Speaker 3 It just could have gone awry. Yeah.
You know what I mean? I even called Carlos

Speaker 3 and I go, I don't know what this mixture is going to be like. You know what I

Speaker 3 But it was, it's just beyond, you know what I mean,

Speaker 3 expectation.

Speaker 3 Johnny, can you look at this camera and say, gracias porcer, malos amigos?

Speaker 3 Say that again?

Speaker 2 Gracias porcer, malos amigos.

Speaker 4 Gracias? Gracias porcer

Speaker 2 malos amigos.

Speaker 4 Malos amigos.

Speaker 2 Parcias? Gracias.

Speaker 4 Oh, gracias. You said it like you said parcias.

Speaker 3 No, no, because he's a Spaniard.

Speaker 3 Is there a word?

Speaker 3 Basias? Parasias? Is there anything? Parascias? No. No, there isn't.
So

Speaker 3 I know that. I don't know that.
I know that, right? I've never heard of that before. So you would just assume it'd be gracias.

Speaker 3 I would, if somebody said, hey,

Speaker 3 say thank you, I would just go, gracias y todo.

Speaker 4 That's all I would say.

Speaker 4 Does that cover it? Gracias y todo?

Speaker 3 No, because what he's trying to say is

Speaker 3 the way we close the show is somebody looks in the camera and goes, thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, that's right.
Okay. Okay.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Gracias porcer malos amigos.

Speaker 3 So pasios, go ahead.

Speaker 3 Gracias, gracias. Don't help him again.
Just do it. Whatever comes out.
Okay. Go ahead.

Speaker 4 Gracias.

Speaker 4 Gracias par sol malos amigos.

Speaker 3 Can play close. What did I say? Conversation pretty much.

Speaker 3 Okay. All right.