Ask Before You Touch

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Speaker 2 Hey, what up bad friends? I'm still here down on the mite. I'm in Australia, but I'm back soon.
And me and Bobby are on tour. Come see the bad friends.
We're doing 30-plus cities. We're adding cities.

Speaker 2 We're adding shows. I'm so excited to come see you guys.
And me and Bobito finally will be back together again.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 Yellow and orange back together again. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com.
That's where you can see all the dates and all the cities that we're going to.

Speaker 2 Plus, we're adding cities and adding shows. So stay tuned and thank you for being a bad friend.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Yeah, I could not, dude.
Him, what? His Glorio stories last night kept me up. I was so sick.
I could not sleep because I was thinking about his glory. You know what's so funny?

Speaker 2 What? He asked me. After the episode, he's like, was that too much?

Speaker 2 I know. You asked me that, too.
What do you talk? Of course. Yeah, that's exactly.

Speaker 2 exactly it was way too much it was perfect for the show yeah yeah way too much we needed to learn that you were an exploratory guy who is very uh um

Speaker 2 uh easily manipulated yeah and also naive naive hey hey hey naive

Speaker 2 and you trick yourself you trick yourself into thinking that yeah it might not be a guy behind whole numbers one and two what i don't plan on going back like in a couple weeks i don't believe that i don't believe that i think you guess what we won't go one time.

Speaker 2 Never. You'll never go.
I promise. Guess what? I'll let you know.
All right. Would you ever go? Can I say something? What? I love you so much.
I love you. But now, what is wrong with you?

Speaker 2 I love you so much. I'm honestly going to miss you.
I'm missing you in my life. I'm so sick right now.
Anyway, thank you. And I love you too.
And I love you more than I think I've ever loved you.

Speaker 2 I love you more than anything on the Mediman on them. Should we just say something to her right now? Bitch.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 Was that the meat locker joke? The meat locker joke. That's still in my heart, dude.
All right. All right.
Let me say it, Glory Boy. Glory boy.
Let me say it, dude.

Speaker 2 You got my respect last night. You did.
You're a bottom dweller, dude. You're the underbelly of the underbelly, dude.
You really are low down to the bottom.

Speaker 2 Look up the, what are the, what, you know, that fish that like literally lives at the bottom of the ocean? There you are. There you are.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. That kind of looks like you.
Yeah. That's it, dude.
And that's what your parents think of you. Yeah, they do.
Because I've seen the videos. They think about you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've seen the videos, dude. Yeah.
With the whole fuck hotel thing when he looked, when your dad turned around and looked at you, dude.

Speaker 2 Hey, do me a favor. Will you take your hat off and then spike just a little piece of your hair in the side

Speaker 2 just a twisty just twist one of the hairs in the middle together like it's an antenna yeah exactly dude exactly dude look at that and that's where you're gonna die alone no no you're gonna find somebody you know what oh you're gonna find a bottom dweller too down there is there glory holes for girls is that a real thing like how you looked at me well you're the woman on the show yeah how would that work though it's more like a porn category i don't i think it's a myth what do you mean how would that work well how does a glory hole for a woman the hole has to be bigger i mean what are you saying?

Speaker 2 Well, she puts her lip. No, no.
Oh, she's

Speaker 2 her mouth. I love singing vagina.

Speaker 2 You call it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
That.

Speaker 2 Right. That's cool.
Will schwager verden. You know, that's German.
There's so funny about that kind of stuff. Yeah.
All that stuff came from Germany. Yeah.
Yeah. So tell me Nazis did nothing good.

Speaker 2 But let me say something. If you had done that, then we'd be like, okay.
That's fun. That's fun.
I'd be okay with any of it. That doesn't exist, though.

Speaker 4 That's like a production.

Speaker 2 That's not true. That absolutely exists.
Do you think there's not sex clubs and stuff like that? Well, I'm not.

Speaker 4 I tried to go to a sex club a couple of weeks ago.

Speaker 2 Who brought you there?

Speaker 4 Just someone I know. Okay.

Speaker 2 We know.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 We know. Okay, go ahead.
You tried to go. What do you mean? They didn't let you in.

Speaker 4 Well, she asked the owner if I could go was a whole thing. Like, I'm like a random guy.
It's like rich people. It's straight out of like true detective.

Speaker 2 Do you have to send in a headshot?

Speaker 4 I think I would have to send like information about myself.

Speaker 2 Oh, I gotta go. I gotta go.
You think I can go? You can definitely go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you. Can I go with you? No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. Right away.
Yeah, because you're gonna look for holes in the walls. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And I'm gonna go, dude, this is not that kind of house. That's not how it goes, man.
And you're gonna look at people, look at painting, lift paintings up. There's a hole.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Imagine he just going around punching holes in the walls. Yeah, yeah.
So, no, you can't go because it's a beautiful house, probably. Yeah, it's like a nice one.

Speaker 2 So let me ask you this, okay?

Speaker 2 If I go, how many, is it even?

Speaker 2 Like, if you're at a sex party, is it 50 women, 50 men? Gotta be, right?

Speaker 4 I think it really is because it's

Speaker 2 why you want why you want better odds? You want better odds. I need better odds.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because that leaves me with one. I totally agree with you, by the way.
Right. And I'm going to strike out with that one.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I'm going to go to the jacket and I'm going to leave the fucking house. Right? But then some other guy gets two.
Yeah, but it's probably Tom Hardy. But what if you get two?

Speaker 2 What if some other guy strikes out? I don't know if I'm willing to take the risk. I get it.
Also, I don't know how to ask. Here, I'm a girl and ask me at the party.
Hey.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's up?

Speaker 2 Great party. Tell me about it.
I come to these things all the time. Yeah.
Have you been here before? That's my first one. Oh, really? Yeah.
Oh, that's so cute. I know the same person that Carlos.

Speaker 2 No, you probably don't know Carlos. Anyway.

Speaker 2 Who's Carlos?

Speaker 2 You mean the guy that's come serving food? No. Oh,

Speaker 2 that man's name is Carlos. I know, no, it's not that guy.
Okay. You wouldn't know the Carlos because he would be digging putting holes in the walls.
Oh, the whole glory boy. Oh, did he come last time?

Speaker 2 The shit fish. Yeah, he's been here.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? He's been here. You know that guy.
Oh, yeah. Shitfish.
Yeah, he's my friend.

Speaker 2 Anyway, he works for me oh he's yeah anyway i like him he's yeah he's all right so what's up anyway um so it looks like 49 people are hooked up with 49 counting the room yeah everyone is kind of yeah yeah i guess it's you and me baby

Speaker 2 see that's what that that is the nightmare of 99 right but what if it goes like this ready ask me again okay so um 49 well that's 49 people and uh 49 guys 49 girls together yeah that's you and i baby i mean it's what i've always wanted What?

Speaker 2 A Korean.

Speaker 2 I've tasted the entire world. I've never had Korean.
Wait, wait, let's stop right there. The entire world? Yes.
Like who? Oh, I've had 13 countries in Africa.

Speaker 2 How many guys per country?

Speaker 2 100 or so. Per country? Well, yeah.
Condom, though?

Speaker 2 What's a condom?

Speaker 2 Oh, so raw dog? Yeah, oh oh, R-D. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, that's the delingo.
That's what we say. Because I've never been to the sex club before.
It's RD.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
So you raw dogged probably thousands of men.

Speaker 2 Maybe tens of thousands. Tens of thousands.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm wearing my jacket.

Speaker 2 So now you're gone. I couldn't do it.
See what I mean, though? Yeah. What do you mean? It could go both ways.
You could be. You're assuming that you're going to want to fuck someone.

Speaker 2 What if you find nobody you'd like to fuck? That's what I'm saying. My, because that, I mean, if it was like this, if it was like Ukraine right now.
What is this?

Speaker 2 What? How is this like Ukraine? Well, always in an Eastern European country where there's a war,

Speaker 2 there are more women than men. That's true.
Yes, because the men are all dead or gone at war. I didn't want to say that part.
I get it. Yeah, I mean, I get it.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, I could just throw Ukraine out there and you would get what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, I should. Next time, that's my fault.
Right. Is it not like, is it not true, Spanish? Yes.
Right. Lovely metaphor.
Like, if you go to Czechoslovakia, is that how I say it?

Speaker 2 No, but we'll go with it. Yeah, yeah.
If you go to any of these countries, there's always more women than men. The men are off at war.
Exactly. Right.
Okay. So I want, is there like one in Ukraine?

Speaker 2 You want Ukraine odds. I want to go to Ukraine.
Let's just go to the Ukraine. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's do a sex party at Ukraine.

Speaker 4 I'm sure there are a bunch.

Speaker 2 So you got denied entry. They literally said you can't come in.

Speaker 4 Well, I didn't like show up and get turned down at the door.

Speaker 2 You texted this person. They said probably not.

Speaker 4 No, they reached out on my behalf and they were like, I don't know. It's like, you know, it's just him.
It's kind of weird.

Speaker 4 Because the person I know gets paid to hook up with other women like on a bench or on a chair

Speaker 4 Like to turn everyone on like as art as art and that's why I think Bobby actually would have good odds.

Speaker 2 You would have so much fun because people are turning well. I would have fun because it's like how much money is this? I don't know.
We have the website right now. Well, well, let's not show it.

Speaker 2 How much is it? How much is it?

Speaker 2 There's no way there's going to be a fucking like a PayPal page. They're not going to

Speaker 2 February 11th.

Speaker 4 I'm saying that there's an application.

Speaker 2 February 11th. Yeah, you have to apply.

Speaker 4 A couple's ticket starts at $1,200.

Speaker 4 Single gentleman must attend with the female companions approved by us.

Speaker 2 So you didn't get approved? You were the single gentleman that did? Oh, so I have to bring somebody.

Speaker 2 Yes. No.
Because you're SWAT. It sounds like a SWAT.
Can you go? No.

Speaker 3 So far. I would be at the snack bar.

Speaker 2 You have to.

Speaker 2 We'll eat together. I love eating.
We'll go to the snack bar.

Speaker 2 He does love eating.

Speaker 4 If they ask your industry, I mean, that's kind of cool. And you can put what your kink is.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Who could I bring?

Speaker 3 I'd go, but do I have to have sex? No.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. You don't.
I don't think that's part of the thing. I think this is like a sexy party.

Speaker 3 And do you have to be naked? I feel like that's a valid party.

Speaker 2 See, look, you have to upload your full body face and with couples if you're with, if you're with a partner. But let me say that we'll get denied, but the photo we submit is going to be hilarious.

Speaker 3 It's going to be us just like that.

Speaker 2 I think you guys should submit just for the fun of it. Yeah.
I mean, we could dress however we want to. That's right.
I mean, this is basically just a glorified costume party.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I would go for you.
I'd be so uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 I could dress up as Mozart. You could

Speaker 2 dress up as Rocklan and off. Rock on and off.
Right. And we'd have the hair, the wigs,

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 suit. What do you call it? And I'll be Beethoven.
I'll drop you guys off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pull up in an old car and drop a voice off. We'll bring a violin.
You know what I mean? I'll bring a ukulele.

Speaker 3 I'll bring my trumpet.

Speaker 2 Yes. A trumpet.
Oh, the trumpet. I don't think Beethoven played a ukulele, so maybe what else? Harpsichord.
Hopsichord. It's a whole thing.
It's huge. It's huge.
I'll bring it up.

Speaker 2 I guess we're just going to have to trail that part in the car. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But anyway, um so yeah forget that we're not gonna do that twelve hundred dollars for a couple but i did think it was gonna be more in my mind i thought it was gonna be something outrageous like ten grand or something but twelve hundred dollars a couple so six hundred a person but you have to bring someone else and that also means the other person that you bring has to be down to

Speaker 2 other people

Speaker 2 here the rules you always have to ask before you touch well that's just a standard rule of earth

Speaker 2 you can't do outside that's outdoor rules too that's not a party before you touch yeah what does that mean let this land on you for a minute Or let me

Speaker 2 just say it again and let me absorb it. Look at me.
Yeah. Ask.
Ask before.

Speaker 2 Before. Prior.
After. No, no, no.
I always do it after. I know.
And I always get in trouble. Ask before you to anyone.
I touch. I go, Can I grab your breast? Yeah, you can.
Right. And they go, no.

Speaker 2 Okay, so. Yeah.
Yeah. You have to let them know.

Speaker 2 Right. So may I, you know, that's why I'd be fucking, I'll be polite about it.
My lady. Yes.
May I,

Speaker 2 you mean,

Speaker 2 Pinch, as Mozart. Oh, yeah.
Right? Yeah. You're Klitoras.

Speaker 2 It's hard to say no.

Speaker 2 It's hard to say no to Mozart. I got to tell you.
I told you. I know.
It's so hard. Because you're polite.
Right. And I might say yes.
I might have. Maybe do it with an accent.
Yeah. My lady.
My lady.

Speaker 2 My lady. Mozart was what? He was German, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he. I can't do one.
German. He'd say my lady.
German. German.
I'll try to do best I can. Don't

Speaker 2 fuck off. My lady.

Speaker 2 Give me the line and then let me try. German.
Germans sound like this. Germans like.
Well, it depends on how high you want. Do you want to do like a

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 Just forget it. Let's move on.
No, no. I hate these problems.
I always get embarrassed with these fucking parts. Oh, it's an acting class.
All right, go ahead. So, German, this.

Speaker 2 Say this phrase. Say this phrase.
Das. Dash.
East. Das Dash.
East. East.
Good. Good.
Good. So use that good dash is good yeah that's is good yeah can I that's is good that's a good yeah

Speaker 2 that's not what I'm gonna ask the lady though dude well that's is good is not gonna fucking

Speaker 2 just means that is good so you just say it all the time that's a skut that that implies can I breath the ask your breath well

Speaker 2 here is may I touch you my lady is uh

Speaker 2 burulen, manabdamen. Now try it with an Asian accent.
See if it does it better. Darf each ditch buruneral bien dama.
Yeah, pretty good. I think that sounds right.

Speaker 2 Can I touch you, my lady?

Speaker 2 But you know what? Dafi Chica. Let me ask you my thing.
Let me ask you this question, right? Yeah. If

Speaker 2 prostitution was legal and you could have brothels in these cities,

Speaker 2 and what do you think that would do to our society in America?

Speaker 3 Well, you wouldn't be here anymore.

Speaker 2 We'd have to do

Speaker 2 it from the Red Light District. Well, Carlos and I wouldn't be here.
What do you think? Can I? We would have died 20 years ago. You know when I said a legitimate question this morning? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I legitimately said, are there emotional

Speaker 2 escorts where

Speaker 2 therapist?

Speaker 3 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Ma'am, that's not right. Take a walk.

Speaker 2 No, juice, you're right. No, I'm saying, but

Speaker 2 imagine hiring a girl. Imagine hiring a beautiful woman because you're a lonely guy.
Like, say you're a lonely shitfish and you hire a woman just to

Speaker 2 like hug, no sex, not sex stuff, but like hug and to talk and to have like a relationship. They have those.
That exists. Yeah, that exists.
You can hire a girl. Their escorts specifically for that.

Speaker 2 And no sex stuff. No sex stuff.
Huh. Yeah.
Cuddle sanctuary. Book a professional cuddler.
See, this is my thing. I don't want to cuddle.
I mean, that's what I mean. This is what this is.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't do this.

Speaker 2 I know. I'm interested.
I'm interested.

Speaker 2 I literally said, is this a thing? Is that a thing?

Speaker 2 I just thought you hire an escort and someone goes, I just want, like, just want to talk to someone, but they end up at some point, I'm sure, having sex. I have to try this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, what's the site? This is

Speaker 2 cuddlecomfort.com. And there's LA region? Yeah.
Okay, I got to do it. Let's get him one.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Can you pick who it is? Put it on the biz. Put it on the bus.
I can't have anyone bony.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Some really skinny, you know what I mean? Karen Carpenter type of a woman.
woman. Well, go to nobonycuddlers.com because I think that's

Speaker 2 no bony cuddlers. Anyway, we'll, but seriously, go, let's get him someone from the cuddle sanctuary.
I'm interested in that. Just to, because I said, I said, I imagine there's many people

Speaker 2 who are either asexual or they just aren't interested in having sex with strangers that are like, but I do, I just want to talk to some.

Speaker 2 Like, like those sugar babies, you know, sugar babies and sugar daddies. And I watched a documentary on that.
And the whole time, they were like, I didn't even have to hook up with them.

Speaker 2 And then the one other girl girl was like, Yeah, we do. It was like,

Speaker 2 like, she was trying to pretend like they don't, but she was like, Yeah, they end up do something. They do something.
They say they're like, No, it's just money for companionship.

Speaker 2 And, but, like, the other girl who admitted it was like, almost all of us do that. That's not true.
I'm on

Speaker 2 seeking. No, no, I'm on a couple of sugar daddy sites.
Wait, are you serious? Yeah, but I don't put my face on it. I just like to browse the girls, see who's doing it.

Speaker 2 How much money you have to pay for their, like, you pay them a monthly fee?

Speaker 2 well how does that work well and the sites right it's basically like you you you you have to donate money to see certain certain photos right so there's a message board there and these are all girls that are like seeking a sugar daddy uh-huh right but

Speaker 2 i don't know how much it is and i do you get to see them in real life or it's only internet based no you get to see them real real real life but you have to obviously during the messaging and stuff you know i mean you have to convince me for research for the show.

Speaker 2 Can the show pay for you to have a sugar baby for a month? And it's just so we can hear what that's like? And can you have a sugar daddy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I can't put myself. I don't know why, but I don't want to put my face on that side.
I don't know why.

Speaker 2 What do you have to do to have a

Speaker 2 profile and you have to put it on the thing? I'll show you what it looks like. Well, he can bring it up right there.
We have a huge computer. Yeah, but let me just.

Speaker 4 Oh, his factual profile.

Speaker 2 My actual profile. Oh, you have a profile.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
So I'm in LA, California, right? And you can go, and these are, they say the age. Yeah.
And then they show.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 That's my wife.

Speaker 2 Wait, that's crazy, though. So 24,

Speaker 2 and then she, and then they just say what they want. Yeah.
So what they need, like what donations they need or. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And then what do they do for the money?

Speaker 2 That's illegal. That's said, that's that's that's uh I get no, no, no, that's not true because what Bobby asks for is I've never done it.
I've never done it.

Speaker 4 They get like an allowance weekly, I believe.

Speaker 2 Right, you pay for the rent. It's like, yeah, I don't need that, though.
I don't need to. If I was at a point where I needed to do that, I don't need to do it.
See, this is what's funny.

Speaker 2 I've clicked on two of these now, and both of them, it says they haven't filled out their wants section, which means they're open to you saying, here's what I need.

Speaker 2 Tell me, like, look, this one says wants. Oh, this one, fill it out.
Looking for a sweet sugar daddy. Hello.
I'm looking for a real sugar daddy. No games, please.
I'm looking for someone to spoil me.

Speaker 2 I'll be support. I am looking for companionship and to be a loyal sugar baby to the right daddy.
I'm very fun, bubbly, and loyally trustworthy. Body type, fit.
Ethnicity, Hispanic.

Speaker 2 24.

Speaker 2 And her name is Diana.

Speaker 2 I just realized why I have the site. Why? When I look at the photos, I always yell at them.
What do you mean? Get a job.

Speaker 2 Get a job at Subway. This is their job.

Speaker 3 That's a sour daddy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to be a sour daddy at this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but because doesn't this make you, I mean, I mean, just let me just say something, right? Yeah. With OnlyFans, right? And I know there's

Speaker 2 a lot of women, and I support it if you want, you know, but it's just like, there is a part of me that I can't do it, right?

Speaker 2 And it's like, as a male, I've never, I was never able to, you know what I mean, get any kind of money based on the way I looked. That's literally how you make money right now.

Speaker 2 I know, but but it's not no, no, that is exactly how we make money right now. I understand that, but we had to spend 30 years grinding it out.

Speaker 2 So, these women are smarter than us, they beat us to the punch, they figured it out.

Speaker 2 Okay, these women literally cut the line, they figured out why am I wasting my time with loser guys when I can just get paid to talk to other loser guys who aren't broke.

Speaker 2 There's a new study, though, steal their money saying, Look at this society, though. Yeah, The new study is one of three men under the age of 30 do not have sex.

Speaker 2 Okay. Do you know why? Was that different years ago? Yes.
Okay. Why? Because

Speaker 2 in our age of social media

Speaker 2 and in our age of

Speaker 2 the internet, they one of three men, right, they're just obsolete now because they don't have the money, right?

Speaker 2 They don't have the money. They don't have the resources.
They don't have the resources. Right.
And look at it again.

Speaker 3 Sounds like these men need to find a job. No.

Speaker 2 Zoom in. I think she...
Look, it says right here. Disenfranchised.

Speaker 2 A growing body of research has been reported that declines in sex says Chung Chia, Jane Fu, a research associate at the IU School of Public Health in Bloomington, led the study.

Speaker 6 Men do not know how to speak to women anymore because of the phone. Yeah.
And the women don't like losers.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I don't know if that's true. Like, they did a study on like Tinder, right? Like, you know, like if you get 50, if you have 50 men and 50 women on Tinder,

Speaker 2 48, 46 of the women are going for four men on Tinder, right?

Speaker 2 And because it's like those are the ones that they want, right? Yeah, but let me say that. And the rest of them are being excluded.
There's other factors that are involved in this, right?

Speaker 2 We as a society, because of social media, have become way more vain, way more self-involved. And so when they get on these fucking apps, they're looking for the hot guy.

Speaker 2 And you look at some of these studies, studies, they ask young women where they're like, what would you want a guy to make a living, you know, to make you happy?

Speaker 2 And all of these women say insane numbers. I know that's what I'm saying.
They're like, I want a half a million dollars a year.

Speaker 2 It's like, you know, how many men under fucking 30 make a half a million dollars. It's like less than a half of a percent makes that kind of income around the country.

Speaker 2 And they want someone who's tall and they want somebody who this. So you see all these things.
The expectations of humans have just gotten insane because of social media.

Speaker 2 They think they're going to meet the fucking perfect guy, assuming they're the perfect girl.

Speaker 2 Everyone's crazy. Everyone needs to know your number.
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Speaker 2 What do you mean? You know, your fucking number, one through ten, yes,

Speaker 2 as physically or just in the whole thing, your number, it's all the above, everything in, all in. I'm a nine.

Speaker 2 This is what I'm talking about. Crazy fucking doesn't know shit.
He knows his number, you know, your number.

Speaker 2 What's your number? I'm a seven. I've been a seven my whole life.
I know exactly what I'm doing. Oh, I'm seven too then.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 I reached too far. Yeah, you went way too high.
No, but no, I could I wouldn't. This is a room.
I wouldn't defend my knowledge. This is a room filled with sevens.

Speaker 2 No, I believe that you were once a seven.

Speaker 2 I've been a seven my whole life. I've been seven.

Speaker 2 Really, do other sevens get Netflix specials?

Speaker 6 7.5 now.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to name other sevens that got Netflix specials? Yeah, but they're not sevens. They're nines.
No, no.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know, I'm going to. Listen, the truth is, I know you're trying to be humble about it.
No, I'm being serious. I know what I look at.

Speaker 2 But, dude, it's like, I've even been single and reading my direct messages and stuff on my Instagram, so many girls go,

Speaker 2 I think you're not my type, but I think Andrew's hot.

Speaker 2 It's rude. Yeah, it's very fucking rude.
It is, dude. I've gotten up with Theo, too.
Like, I've matched with people on

Speaker 2 Tinder and all these dating sites, and they say, I don't like you. I like Theo.
Can you hook me with Theo or Andrew?

Speaker 3 I thought Theo messaged you.

Speaker 2 No. I don't.
I get it all the time, and it breaks my heart when I see it. I don't like that.
Well, it happens. Well, you know what I get?

Speaker 2 I get messages. You're a good-looking guy.
I get messages where people go,

Speaker 2 love Bobby, love the show. I hate you.
That's fine. That's not fine.
That hurts. That's true.

Speaker 2 You get that? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 You're ruining the podcast.

Speaker 2 I've read a couple of those, but I've read a thousand. We love you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck says you're ruining the show? You're not ruining the show. That's what you're on in.

Speaker 2 We decide. Anybody who thinks that Juicy's ruining the show, stop watching the fucking show.
How about that? No, watch, but just tune her out.

Speaker 2 I mean, come on, let's not go crazy. You know what I mean? We need the numbers, right? Suck comments.
She sucks. All right, let's move on.

Speaker 2 So funny.

Speaker 2 Watch it. But you're a good-looking guy.

Speaker 2 You're a nine. You're a successful person.
You have money.

Speaker 2 You have influence. You're a nine.
Don't pull the seven with me. I'm an eight point five.
What's Juicy?

Speaker 2 She was a four.

Speaker 2 What is she now? A six. Because of this show.
Yes. So you say she was a four, which I disagree with.
And you think now she's a six?

Speaker 3 Yes. I agree.

Speaker 2 Because you gain confidence with it. I think you're a beautiful person, Juicy.
No, we're all the same in terms of God's love. Yeah, my number.

Speaker 2 In terms of God's love, God views us.

Speaker 2 I'm saying here in L.A. I get that.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, what's these two? Oh, wow.
That's a hard one. What's the shitfish?

Speaker 2 Shitfish? Yeah, what's shit fish? Shitfish in real life? I'm sorry that this is sticking, but it sounds so fun to say. Yeah, yeah.
Honestly, dude, I think shit feels you're a seven.

Speaker 2 I just say it's, we have to get shit fish shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we just do your fate, like your head, your floating head? Yeah, on the show.

Speaker 2 And just say in the bottom of the ocean, they say shitfish. I got to say yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got to.

Speaker 2 What's fancy?

Speaker 2 But by the way,

Speaker 2 he's gotten even higher because his status from the show, his status in the community, he's having a fucking baby and women.

Speaker 2 I would say he's an eight. Eight, yeah.
Yeah, wow. Yeah, I would say you're an eight.
I was a 10. But my point is, is that

Speaker 2 there's so many men out there that are, and I just, I don't know who to blame. who i know who to blame who

Speaker 2 fucking mark zuckerberg

Speaker 2 that's true facebook fucking ruined society i completely think it was the demise of social interactions and society it's made some things wonderful but most things dog shit yeah but the internet helped us though so it's like i i struggle with the concept of the internet Yeah, because it's detrimental and it's also so, so good.

Speaker 2 It's like, for me, in terms of my business, it got me

Speaker 2 past the fucking middleman. I agree.
It did help. It did.
And we could just go directly to the people, and the people decide if we're funny. I like it.
And I really appreciate them.

Speaker 2 And that's why we have a great relationship with our fans, right? Because

Speaker 2 we don't have somebody that has to tell us the way we're supposed to talk to our fans and do our version.

Speaker 8 We could have had YouTube without Facebook.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. I think Facebook is what I'm blaming.
Not YouTube, not Google. I think Facebook in general, which was this world.
Dude, I went to Arizona State.

Speaker 2 We were one of the non-Ivy League schools that got Facebook first, right?

Speaker 2 So Ivy League schools went first, and then non-Ivy Leaguers were like Arizona State, Florida State, like these big university state schools. We got it first.

Speaker 2 And I remember, I remember vividly seeing all these photos of people on campus and being like, holy shit. It like opened up this new world of like, you could flirt with anybody on here.

Speaker 2 I can just say hello to a girl that I would never say hi to in public because I don't have the balls. But on here, I can be like, hey, I think you're fucking hot or make, make a funny joke.

Speaker 2 And if she likes it, then I won. And I was like, the power of that is crazy.
It's crazy. Because you don't have the ability to go up to a girl face to face and say something real.

Speaker 2 You can just hide behind the computer forever and you never need to go do the thing if you don't want to. Yeah, that's where my jealousy came through MySpace.
Right. Can I tell you what happened? Huh.

Speaker 2 What was your screen? So me, Bobby Lee. That's it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I was friends with Dr. Ken Jong.
Not Noodles Magoodles or something. No, no.
Come on, man. Come on, Noodles, McGoodles.
What have you done? That was a good one. I didn't think of it.

Speaker 2 I'm saying, come on, man, because that's right. That's so good.
It's good. Nurs Moguros at AOL.
That would have been great. That would have been great.

Speaker 2 This is so embarrassing, this story. So I was friends with Dr.
Ken, and you know how you could, you put your top 10 friends or 15 friends? Yeah, I remember that. Your top friends, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So for years, I was Ken's top friend, but then he started moving up in the world, right? So one day I looked at his fucking MySpace, and it was Apatow, Will Farrell. I mean,

Speaker 2 this is the new people he's hanging out with, right? So I was at fucking Cobbs with him, and I walk up to him, I go, and I was, my tone was bad.

Speaker 2 I go, hey, bitch. Okay, you're moving up.
I am not in your top friend's MySpace. He turns around and he pushes me, dude.
And then Steve Burn had to fucking separate us. We almost got in a fist fight.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. Over the top friends on my space.
Top friends, MySpace. But he did remove you.
Yeah, he never put me back on either. Fuck him.
Fuck that guy. Fuck, that was a stinky move.

Speaker 2 That was a stinky stink. Stinky, stinky move.
Yeah, yeah. That was close to, that was almost like, but that was childish.
I'm like, well, who gives a fuck? What do you mean, you do care?

Speaker 2 It's your friend. I know I did care.
You know what? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did care so much. That's what.
Big deal. I I cared so much.
Back then, that was a fucking huge. Did you have MySpace or no? Yeah.
That was a big deal. How old were you? 12?

Speaker 2 What? No. I was in junior high.
Yeah, I was going to say, probably 16, 15, 14, 15. Yeah.
I was close.

Speaker 3 And into high school, I had it too.

Speaker 2 You know what I hated about MySpace? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That I couldn't gain any ground on it. Like, I felt like I would try to like post stuff and do stuff and it just wasn't gaining.
So I was like, this is a fucking waste of my emotional time.

Speaker 2 But I remember MySpace, I got laid. You know how?

Speaker 2 Tell us.

Speaker 2 I'm sure I can say her name, but um, you don't need to. Okay, there's this one girl, beautiful, right? She was a suicide girl.

Speaker 4 Oh, well, like it's okay.

Speaker 2 She was a suicide girl. A suicide girl.
Yeah, it's a company.

Speaker 2 What? People might not know what you're talking about. A suicide girl is a.
No, she tried to kill herself. Oh.

Speaker 2 I just wanted that. I knew it.
No, but she was a suicide girl. By the way, I was setting you up for that joke.
Waiting, waiting. I know, no.
I did. I took it.
I took it. Thank you.
But,

Speaker 2 And then she only followed all,

Speaker 2 at the time, Asian actors.

Speaker 2 Wow. At the time, right? She's not Asian.
Beautiful red-headed white girl. One of my people.
5'11. So me? Beautiful.
How do you know it wasn't me? What? It wasn't you. Okay.

Speaker 2 Then we fucked. Okay.

Speaker 2 If it was you, you and I fucked it. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 But she, and then just through messaging, you could tell that she only likes Asians. Asian actors.

Speaker 2 And I was the last of the famous Asian actors. She had been through everybody.
Yeah, Jack Lee, I mean, everybody. Ripped through them.
Ripped through them all, right?

Speaker 2 And then I met her in Vegas, and we had sex in my hotel room. Which hotel? It was at the Bellagio, I believe.
That's a good hotel. It was a good hotel.

Speaker 2 What's the worst hotel you've stayed in in Vegas?

Speaker 3 In Vegas? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I stayed in good ones. What's the worst one?

Speaker 3 The fullest one.

Speaker 2 Because when I was coming up and we had to go to Vegas, we stayed at Circus Circus, which is very, very sad. It's the saddest place on earth.
It's so gross and sad in there.

Speaker 2 And the worst one, we had to all split a room. We shared a room in the fucking basement of the Mirage.

Speaker 2 It's so, it smelled like mold. And I thought, well, I'm not going to sleep in this room.
We're going to die.

Speaker 2 I slept outside. I mean, I just sat on the sidewalk and took a nap.
I did not want to go back to moldy basement Mirage Hotel.

Speaker 3 I stayed in the extended Stay America just two nights ago, and it was awful.

Speaker 2 Those are tough.

Speaker 3 The guy sent sent me to the wrong hotel room at 3 a.m.

Speaker 2 Where was this at? In Santa Barbara?

Speaker 3 In Santa Barbara. Yeah.
And I went back down three times and the third time I was like, the key's not working. He's like, maybe you're in the wrong room.

Speaker 2 Jesus. And he did the head thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was like, you tell me, man.

Speaker 2 If we had done that, I would have killed him. I would have murdered him.

Speaker 3 Murdered him. But then he started freaking out that he was going to get in trouble because I told him.
I was like, chill, but I said, man, you sent me to somebody else's room at 3 a.m.

Speaker 3 That could have been pretty dangerous. Yeah.
And he started freaking out. He's like, I'm going to get in trouble.
Like, oh no, this sucks. And I had to calm him down.

Speaker 3 I was like, I'm not going to rat on you, man. I just need the key to my room.

Speaker 2 That's why Hilton fired this guy. He just couldn't get it together.
They're like, go to Extended Stay, man. We can't.
We can't.

Speaker 6 People will know now.

Speaker 3 Well, I didn't. Yeah, I guess.
But

Speaker 2 did you ever play Harris

Speaker 2 in Vegas? I never did. The 16.
We used to, because there was Hera's, you'd have to do 16 shows in one week. Yeah, Monday through Sunday.
Monday through Sunday. Oh, my God.
Mondays were

Speaker 2 Monday through Wednesday were the most brutal shows you could possibly do. And at the time, I had no money.
And so you'd have to, they gave you an employee pass and you ate

Speaker 2 with the employees in the

Speaker 2 basement. In the basement.
I did that for with Laugh Act. Right, right.
And you, you know, you wait in line with the guy, you know,

Speaker 2 everybody, right? With the dealer, the dealers, everybody, right? With janitors, and you can smoke in there too. I remember in the basement, right? You still can.
Yeah, I know, right?

Speaker 2 And so in the Heroes, there's a Geraldina's ice cream place. Is that what I'm saying? I think that's right, yeah.
Geraldini's. Yeah, Gerald, Geraldini's.
No, no, Girardelli's. Gierardelli's.

Speaker 2 Girodelli's.

Speaker 2 And I remember sitting there, I had a fucking banana split, and there was a fucking guy from the South sitting next to me.

Speaker 2 We just sprung up a conversation, and I literally asked him, where can I get a gun in Vegas?

Speaker 2 I remember asking that. He's like,

Speaker 2 he's like, when I'm done with mine, you can use it. Yeah, I go, because I think I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 2 I was literally, that's how miserable I was.

Speaker 3 You're like, I think I'm going to banana

Speaker 2 split.

Speaker 2 That's right here. I love it.
Meat luck or not so much, but.

Speaker 2 And people say you suck. You're good.
So good.

Speaker 2 Vegas, when you're sad and broke, is made

Speaker 2 the toughest place. Me and Mark.

Speaker 3 I stayed in the Howard Johnson.

Speaker 2 This was like eight years ago. I forgot all about it.
The little HJ, baby. Yeah.
The me and my buddy Kenner.

Speaker 2 Where do you eat in Vegas? What's your favorite restaurant? In Vegas? Yeah. Interesting.
What?

Speaker 2 That's what it's called? I kind of don't want to give it away.

Speaker 2 See how foofy is? No, no, on air. On air.
I'm saying.

Speaker 2 You'll tell me? Oh, I would tell you everything. I tell you everything.
Is it in any of the casinos? Nope. Okay.
No, I'll tell you. I'll tell everyone right now.

Speaker 2 I'll blow it up because it's one of the best. It's called Lotus of Siam.
Google Lotus of Siam. And it's an Asian restaurant? It is.
Chinese?

Speaker 2 It is maybe my favorite Thai food I've ever had in my entire fucking life. It's off the strip.

Speaker 2 It was award-winning. It's in a fucking strip mall out in Vegas.
Go to photos of the inside of of it.

Speaker 2 I think Lotus of Siam is one of my fucking favorite Thai restaurants I've ever been to in my fucking life. Wow.
It's so good. And they are award-winning, but it looks like this.
It's old-school Vegas.

Speaker 2 It's been there for like 50 years. It's in a shitty little strip mall.
It's super unassuming. You would never know.
Well, look, they've redone the outside of the whole thing.

Speaker 2 Unless that's a second location.

Speaker 2 They're killing it. When they put neon signs like that, they're killing it.
Is that the second location? Because that's the original. Right there is what the original looks like.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And honestly, my buddy brought me. That is exactly what it looked like right there.
That was was what I went to. Wow.
So my friend says, who's

Speaker 2 a family member lives in Vegas and says, you know, what kind of food do you want? I said, well, you know, let's go off for like a steak or Italian or whatever. And he's like, you want good Thai food?

Speaker 2 And I said, I don't know, man. L.A.
has really good Thai food. And he was like, trust me, though, you will.
I promise you'll love this place. I said, okay.
So we get in the car. We go to this spot.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I got out of the car. I was like, this isn't funny.
This isn't, you're fucking with me. This is not even a funny bit.
Especially when you're hungry. I was starving.

Speaker 2 I was losing my mind.

Speaker 2 We go inside. It was honestly, it was like a Tuesday night.
It was slammed. Tons of people waiting.
I was like, what the fuck? You could not tell from the outside.

Speaker 2 Then, when we get inside, he knows someone. We get a table right away.
Do you speak the language or no?

Speaker 2 Okay, good, good.

Speaker 2 That's all. That's what I want.
Yeah. And honestly,

Speaker 2 I love when he does that. So racist.

Speaker 2 But it was so, look, that's what it was like. I mean, it was like, wow.
It was so slammed. And

Speaker 2 he said to me, he goes, How do you like to order food? And I said, when I go to a place like this, give me as much stuff as we can eat.

Speaker 2 Like, I'll take, I don't want, you know, when you go, I don't want to order one dish. Fuck that.
I want to try all the shit. You and I together? We've eaten together.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It's absurd. It's ups.
We're crazy.

Speaker 2 Give me the whole half of the menu. Yeah, yeah.
But he ordered so much shit. And then you leave it.
I pay for it. But anyway.
That's right.

Speaker 2 You're rich. I'm not.
Yeah, you are. Anyway,

Speaker 2 close to Siam is my favorite place. I'm going to go.
You have to go.

Speaker 2 How come we've never done it?

Speaker 2 Where could we? I'm so sick of that.

Speaker 2 Where can we play in Vegas? Why did I do that? Well, let's do a show in Vegas and then we can. But where?

Speaker 2 What do you mean, where?

Speaker 3 I know. We could go to Wise Guys and stay at Polly's house.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 3 No, I mean, Nicholas Cage is his neighbor.

Speaker 2 I know. He told me that story on my show that Nick Cage was his neighbor and they hang out all the time.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I've seen videos of them, so it's true. No, I believe him.
It's just so funny that Nick Cage and Polly Shore. I mean, it's just like, that's exactly what would be.
Like that new Nick Cage movie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's exactly like what his real life. Did you see that movie?

Speaker 2 yeah and the uh unbearable unbearable unbearable weight or something what massive talent massive talent and carrot top the three of them are in a group chat you know jason schwartzman yeah of course from rushmore yeah he has a brother his older brother yes yeah so i was talking to robert and i go um

Speaker 2 any nick cage stories because you know that's his cousin yeah that's he's no he's the coolest guy he said i mean i love him so much if he walked down the street right now he would hug me and we would you know what i mean he's legit he's a great guy.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, do you know about their family? Is the Coppola family? I didn't know that. Do you know who you knew Francophone Coppola is?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I forgot Nicholas Hidge's a Coppola, but I did hear that before. Yes, but their Schwartzmann side.

Speaker 2 So, so, so, um, Coppola, the director, yeah, his sister is Talia Shire. Yeah, do you know who Talia Shire is?

Speaker 2 She was in the Godfather, but she was also in Rocky. She played Adrian.
Oh, look, you remember Adrian? Family tree.

Speaker 2 Adrian, right? Look at me. Sorry, right? Don't look away from him.
Yeah, look at me. Her two kids is Jason Schwartzman and Robert Schwartzmann.
Or her brother, our sons. Right there.

Speaker 2 And Matthew Scheier. Yeah.
Talia Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola. That whole family is literally.
Giancarlo Coppola, Roman, and Sophia.

Speaker 4 Roman, also a director.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Roman.

Speaker 2 The most famous

Speaker 2 Italian fucking show business family in the world.

Speaker 3 So talented. Do you think?

Speaker 2 Wall. I mean,

Speaker 2 there's no one with that kind of extension. I mean, I I would say the only one that would come close would be like,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't know fucking if Scorsese has extended family, but.

Speaker 3 Maybe the Olsons.

Speaker 2 Take a walk.

Speaker 2 Well, they're all sisters. I know.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 Stop for a second.

Speaker 2 Let's explore that. Okay.
For the fans.

Speaker 2 For the fans. All right.
The Olsons.

Speaker 3 There's someone on a keyboard right now.

Speaker 2 This is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 I mean, because we're doing Italian. Are the Olson's Italian?

Speaker 3 Oh, I didn't know we were doing Italian. I thought it was just.

Speaker 2 Well, let's find out. Are the Olson's Italian?

Speaker 2 Welcome back to Are the Olson's Italian? Ashley Fuller Olson was born 1986 in Sherman Oaks, daughter of Jeanette Jamie Olson.

Speaker 2 Norwegian ancestry. Yeah.
That was close. French, German, and Italian.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right. So the Olson family is one of the oldest historic

Speaker 2 families in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah.
I guess that makes sense. Interesting.
Well, you're bright. Thank you.
You're welcome.

Speaker 2 Those kids, those kids, those adult women now, it's just so funny that they did something so powerful when they were young that they literally never had to work ever again.

Speaker 2 They didn't, they chose to in different ways, but they made so much fucking money as children, they never had to do anything ever again. That's what cute does.
Cute dudes.

Speaker 2 550

Speaker 2 million dollars. No one cuter cuter as white girls.
Macaulay Culkin, cute white boy. He's a cutie, too, dude.
Cutie Patutie. Cute.
You know who also is cute?

Speaker 6 Drew Barrymore.

Speaker 2 Drew Barrymore. Cute as fuck.
But you know, Short Round was cute, too. For an Asian.
We got an Asian in there. Well,

Speaker 2 Data.

Speaker 2 Data was cute. He was cute.
And now he won an award. Oscar?

Speaker 6 But not cute anymore.

Speaker 2 He's not cute anymore. Let me see what he looks like now.
What do you mean he's not cute anymore? He's won an Oscar, right? Golden Globe, yeah. Golden Globe, I mean.
I like him.

Speaker 2 He killed it in that movie.

Speaker 4 I think he's kind of cute, so

Speaker 2 Vroom!

Speaker 2 So I got my mom a car. I bought mom a car, and guess what? I didn't want to have to go out of my way to go jumping around for a while.
Let me ask you, buddy, did you go to the lots?

Speaker 2 No, I couldn't do it. It's dumb, right? I don't want to go.
It's a waste of time. I just don't want to go.
I want to be at the bottom. Where'd you go? Where'd you go, bud? I went to Vroom.com, baby.

Speaker 2 That's where I went. With Vroom, you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you, which I did.

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Speaker 2 And the best part about it, Bobby, you got a full week or 250 miles, whichever one comes first, to test it out, make sure your new ride is right for you.

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When you sell your car in Vroom, you get a price instantaneously.

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That's pound529 from your cell.

Speaker 3 Yeah. There's a really cute.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Let the shit fish explain.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Glory Blowpole.

Speaker 4 I just don't think he's ugly.

Speaker 2 He's not ugly. We didn't say he was ugly.
Who said he was ugly?

Speaker 4 Well, I thought not being cute meant ugly.

Speaker 2 Ah. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Imagine wallpaper.

Speaker 2 Just imagine wallpaper. I'm thinking about it.
Yeah. All right.
You're in Asia, then, right? You walk into a wallpaper, it's like little koi fish. Okay.
Right. And a couple of dragons, right?

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh, I like that. And you're looking, and there's some paintings up there, too, right? One of like

Speaker 2 Sherman Mao. Mao Zedong.
Mao Zedong. Yeah.
Right? Did I say Sherman Mao? Yeah. I just said Sherman Mao.
I don't know what Sherman Mao is. I don't.

Speaker 2 And then you see it. The hole.

Speaker 2 I see it. You see a hole, right? Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 Would you do it? If you knew that he was on the other side?

Speaker 4 I think I would just say hi.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's no. There's no, you can't look, you can't put your eye in it.
No, no, but I wouldn't know if I knew he was. If you put your eye in it, your dick in, that's weird.

Speaker 2 But you're not allowed to talk to him. Yeah, you can't talk to him.
That's part of the rules. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But I've never, but Bobby keeps making these situations where I'm like,

Speaker 4 like on my knees at hole level,

Speaker 4 like I'm the one sucking dick.

Speaker 2 Something. Oh, that's true.
We never even got to that. But no, no, that's not.
No, we haven't got to that. So in these

Speaker 2 situations,

Speaker 2 you never went the other way. It didn't go the other way.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ever. A dick never came out the other way.
No, no. You swear to God.
I swear.

Speaker 4 No, I'm hiding stuff.

Speaker 2 He said, no, he doesn't swear to God, though. The way that he said it sounded really sketchy.
That was sketchy. I swear to God.

Speaker 2 I can't swear to God. Why? Why? It's God.

Speaker 2 Ask me to swear to God right now. I'll do it right now.

Speaker 2 Swear to God. I'll swear to God on anything.
Hey, are you black? Swear to God. No, I swear to God.
Yeah. Easy money.
I'll even say, just say, ask me. Are you black? I'm black.
Swear to God.

Speaker 2 I don't care. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I will lie. Swear to God.
It doesn't matter. Swear to God.
I swear to God. Okay, good.
All right. All right.
I don't mind. I'm not shaking right now.
You see how nervous he is?

Speaker 2 So you wouldn't glory hole him.

Speaker 2 No, I wouldn't. You know, imagine if you did glory hole him the moment that he came, he would go booby-trap.
And then he would.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I got to tell you,

Speaker 2 I got to say, I don't believe that you haven't

Speaker 2 suck-suck. I think you have suck-suck.

Speaker 4 Andrew, I wouldn't. I don't know.

Speaker 2 No, I've been talking about that. Have you suck-sucked

Speaker 4 promise I've never suck-sucked.

Speaker 2 Have you ever gotten fucked in the ass before by a man? No.

Speaker 4 I've never had like butt stuff happen.

Speaker 2 Have you jerked off a man before? Never. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Swear to God? Swear to God.

Speaker 2 Swear to the Lord. Wow.
Interesting. I just don't believe it.
I don't believe it is. For some reason, it just doesn't lay right with you.
Yeah. All right.
Get off of this guy.

Speaker 2 Well, congratulations to him, by the way. We're killing it.
Very much killing it.

Speaker 2 I want to say this because this episode is going to be out and I'm going to be in Australia, mate. Yep.
And I'm very excited to go, but I'm very nervous. And I'm not going to lie.
Why? Last night,

Speaker 2 last night, my buddy Chris said to me, he goes, you've been running really hot. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, well, dude, you were like, you, I was gone for a month.

Speaker 2 Then I came back for four days. Then I went to Paris.
Then I'm back for literally like what, not a full week. And I'm gone again.

Speaker 2 Then he goes, you haven't had time to like register any of this stuff, huh? And I was like, not re, to be honest with you. The The only time I have was talking to you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I really haven't thought about it. And he goes, I bet you so much money the moment you get to Australia in your hotel by yourself, you're going to cry.
He's like, You're going to cry?

Speaker 2 In happiness. In like, just like in just like letting the weight sit on me.

Speaker 2 Honestly, and I said to him, maybe, because I haven't, I don't know the last time I cried. How are you feeling right now?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. You should be so happy.
No, no, but I'm agreeing with what he's saying. I'm killing the game.
No, no, I'm agreeing with you. I'm so proud of you.
What he's saying is true.

Speaker 2 I'm acknowledging. I'm not thinking.
it's like, I can't believe it. I'm leaving in four hours.
Yeah. It still hasn't registered in my body yet.

Speaker 2 Like, when I came back from New York, I was still like, okay, now it's time I can just get back to doing the pod and seeing you guys. And then I have no time.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, it just hasn't registered yet. And I know I'm going to be alone over there a little bit.
So it's going to register.

Speaker 2 No, what's going to happen is that these guys that you're in the movie with over there are going to invite you out because you guys are quarantined.

Speaker 2 We're going to get Cena on this fucking podcast. I don't know, man.
I think those guys are pretty in their own space. I don't.
No, that's what I thought when I went to fucking Hungary.

Speaker 2 And that became friends with all of everybody. Yeah, but you're affable in a different way.
All right. Anyway, let's move on.
This fucking guy fucking plays golfs with celebrities.

Speaker 2 He's invited to private parties. This is the guy.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Sorry. This is the guy.
In New York, you're like, I'm having to, I'm not going to say who, but like famous guys. No.
I went with you. Okay.
All right. So don't play this game right now.

Speaker 2 You were there too. I know, but I was invited by you.
That's right. All right.
So let's move on. You're killing me.
I'm all, but I'm just, no, I am happy. I'm nervous.
I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 2 I'm very, very nervous. You're honestly, every movie you've done has bombed.
No, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 You've stolen the scenes. I agree from these movies.
There's something about you where it's just like people just chuckle once you get on screen. Well, you're the same way.
You're the exact same guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the same guy. Hello, Hollywood.

Speaker 2 Hello, Hollywood. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hello, Hollywood. Hi.

Speaker 2 That's not Hollywood. Can you imagine?

Speaker 2 No, that actually probably is what Hollywood is. That's not Hollywood.
Some fucking goofball guy who barely speaks English. Hi.
Yeah. How are you making your decisions, Hollywood?

Speaker 2 How do you pick movie stars now?

Speaker 8 I look and see who I chuckle with.

Speaker 2 See what I mean? That's Hollywood. I look to see who I chuckle with.
That's why we're fucked. Yeah.
That's why this whole system is shattered. Because guys like this are running the show.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can't get behind it, dude. You're fired.

Speaker 2 Have you ever fucked up a slate so bad? Have you ever fucked up a slate live in front of people?

Speaker 2 You know, like live when you're supposed to like, hey, Amanda Santino, da-da-da-da, six foot one, whatever the fuck. No, I always make it weird.
Live when you're live. Even live.
Yeah. What do you do?

Speaker 2 Because if you make it weird, it makes them, I try to get a laugh in the slate. Yeah, you're memorable.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So like, if they go turn around, or turn to your side profile, I'll turn completely around, do a giggle you know what i mean and shake your ass right right i'll do it like yeah i'll do stuff that make them laugh yeah right and i was this is the thing this is so stupid this is my one of my things though is just you have to pretend that you're grateful to be there but you don't need it that is kind of part of the trick you want do you understand what i'm saying yeah they want you want them to need you right you're like this is kind of you know i mean

Speaker 2 below me but i'm cool you have to be like hey guys sorry i'm late i've all right anyway.

Speaker 2 You've done that. I've done that.
I've done that. I'm sorry I'm late.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I'll do that on the self-tape.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 The self-tape. Hey, Jetsky, sorry I'm late.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The most embarrassing thing that I did,

Speaker 2 when I tested for a fucking SNL, you're supposed to say your fucking name when you got on stage. And I was so excited and nervous and anxious.
I didn't say my name. I went right into a character.

Speaker 2 You're supposed to say your name, say hello to the table.

Speaker 2 Hey, go, hey, you guys, because they're filming it. So it's supposed to go, hey, everybody.
Hey, I'm Andrew Santino. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 Then you're supposed to step back and then start the tape. I literally got on stage and I was like, hey, Rich, hey, Rich.

Speaker 2 No, really? I swear to God. I swear to God.
Wait, who was in the Laura was there, obviously?

Speaker 2 Was Seth there?

Speaker 2 I think. Seth Myers? I think so.

Speaker 2 But they don't, you can't really see the whole table. Right.
Like, they put them kind of in the dark on purpose.

Speaker 2 And then,

Speaker 2 you know, I think Higgins was there. I think there was a, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I think there's a few, you know, people that are part of that pamp family that were just there to like watch and give their opinion.

Speaker 2 But I remember in the middle of the first character, I was panicking, sweat beats, because it was doing well. But I was like, I didn't say my fucking name.
I didn't say my name.

Speaker 2 I was panicking the whole time. And I knew.
And then I thought, once it's done, I can't go, hey, Amanda Santino. I had to go right into another character.
I love it. I was losing my mind upstairs.

Speaker 2 I love it. Yeah, I just started fucking rambling on.
One of my favorite ones that never made it, that I didn't do live, that I did on the tape that they liked, but I was I did

Speaker 2 a huge chef with it with a lisp.

Speaker 2 I said, My name is Salami Samuelson. I'm a huge chef to the stars.

Speaker 2 Today, we're serving Kahimi.

Speaker 2 And I just had a really heavy list. It was a sushi chef to the stars.
Salami Samuelson.

Speaker 2 Did it kill?

Speaker 2 On the tape, it did great. Yeah.
But when we went down the tape lines of like what characters they said I should do live, they said not to do it live. Wow.
Because, and I got it. I knew exactly why.

Speaker 2 Why? Because it's all up here. It's all like my, like you would have to physically see me dressed like a sushi chef and doing something absurd to help the character along with story.

Speaker 2 Where the other ones, you could do story without needing the, you know what I mean? That wasn't, it was so much more voiced than physical, but the other ones were physical.

Speaker 2 But that one I thought was one of my favorites.

Speaker 2 I just love the idea of making the writers write something. I wanted them to write something for me where you couldn't understand a word that I was saying.
You couldn't really hear any of that.

Speaker 2 They all blended together, you know? We should do a Bad Friend sketch show.

Speaker 2 I would do it. I was killed to do a Bad Friend sketch show.
And get some of her friends in it. What do you think? I would love to be a part of that.
All right.

Speaker 2 Well, you're auditioning right now for the Bad Friend sketch show. Okay.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Three impressions, three characters, please. When you're ready.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Hey, what's up? Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Is it good? It's really, really good.

Speaker 2 Fuck. The Asian accent.
You know what the problem was? Not Asian accent? You didn't slate. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 You fired your fucking. Well, I was doing, and that was my second impression of you, Andrea Santino.

Speaker 2 Oh, Bobby.

Speaker 2 All right, wait.

Speaker 2 Do a real impression of me. Go ahead.
Sound like me.

Speaker 3 I had a shitty day. I golfed with a couple millionaires.

Speaker 2 And now I have to go to Australia.

Speaker 3 I think I'm going to cry when I get there.

Speaker 2 I love the film with a big movie.

Speaker 2 All right. God, I'm a good friend.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.
So good. Now do Bobby.

Speaker 3 Hey, fuck you, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's good. Pretty good.

Speaker 2 That sounds exactly like you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know it's fucking good.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, are you guys watching The Last of Us? Oh, it's so good. You told me to watch that.
I just haven't gotten around to it. It's really good, huh?

Speaker 2 What What do you think of it? I like it. But not great.
Oh, Bobby doesn't like it. What?

Speaker 1 I'm into it.

Speaker 4 It's slow, but I think it'll get cooler.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know about mushroom zombies. Show me the pictures.
You told me this. We talked about the video.
No, because the video game's so good, and then I read reviews.

Speaker 2 I saw it for the first time last night. What do you mean it's a video? Oh, it was a video game.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like it's like it's like whatchamacallit. What's the other thing that just did this? Yeah, they're like mushroom zombies.
That's a zombie. Yeah, yeah.
What happened to their heads?

Speaker 2 They're infected with mushrooms, fungi. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, said that's what they're that's what they're fighting? But you know how, like, you know, trees and all these things communicate through the fungi? Correct.

Speaker 2 It's like the internet, the fungi, right? So I guess the internet now has gone into humans and they tell humans what to do.

Speaker 2 So if you, if you step on a fungi, it lets other fucking zombies know they're where they are.

Speaker 2 So they're all communicating. But I just don't get zoom in.
Zoom in on that. What is that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 whoa whoa

Speaker 4 overgrown fungi yeah

Speaker 2 that's developed like hairs and stuff yeah i just i just don't is that scary it's nasty it's pretty scary it's gross yeah it's pretty scary what do you you don't like it it's okay you've seen it yeah i've seen only the first episode what kills them

Speaker 2 it seems like

Speaker 2 zombies are hard to kill yeah like explosive well because look zombies in the in the modern world you can yeah yeah let's go there what what kills a vampire? Tell me.

Speaker 2 Well, a vampire is garlic or a steak to the heart.

Speaker 2 And light. And light.
Very good. And light.
Sunlight. Sunlight.
Right. UV-ray's work, too.
Correct. All right.
What about now you, werewolf?

Speaker 3 Silver bullet.

Speaker 2 Fucking, you're so good. Silverbullah.
Very good. What kills a Frankenstein?

Speaker 2 That's a frankenstein. You remove the bolts from his neck.
Very good. Yep.
Blood.

Speaker 2 Blood.

Speaker 2 That's holding his body together, the bolts. Mommy.

Speaker 3 You got to step on one end and unravel it.

Speaker 2 It's very good. Like a tether ball.

Speaker 2 You can hit him until the ball actually comes off. Yeah, and then you see what they look like, and you don't like it, so you put it back up.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know what they look like underneath that, but I can't. I'll rewrap him.
Yeah, I'll rewrap it.

Speaker 2 Okay, so what's another one? Now, zombie. Zombie, you must shoot in the head.
Exactly. You have to kill the brain.
Yeah. But see, this is what I mean.

Speaker 2 This thing doesn't look like it has a traditional brain. Yeah, I think one bullet went to the head and he kept going.
So I don't know what the fuck happened. So how? There's a bunch of bullets.

Speaker 2 No, I don't like that. See?

Speaker 2 These are fast. These creatures of our modern fantasy, they need to have the one way to kill them, right? Which is why in signs, I was bummed that it was water.

Speaker 2 Spoiler alert. God damn.
You know what? Don't fucking fuck with me with signs, dude. It was water? One of the best movies ever made.
Water. It's fine.
Water. Yeah, that's the way they went inland.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but dude, they landed on a planet that's fucking mostly water. Yeah, but their planet, who knows? What if it was 95% water? No, no, no.
Water kills them. I know.

Speaker 2 They were in a planet, 95%, and they went, let's go to Earth. That's 40% water or whatever.

Speaker 2 So they were surviving on a planet, a species, with all I have no idea. I have no idea.
That's my point. It doesn't make sense.
I don't know what they come from. This is my point.

Speaker 2 It makes no sense they came to a planet that's comprised mostly of water when water is the thing that we also don't know how many planets are there have like the same kind of like um atmospheres that they and us we have almost none of them but why would they come here to the water one Because we don't know what they come from.

Speaker 2 But there's so many other ones without water. I don't know.
Are there? How many? All of them.

Speaker 2 We're one of the only ones like this. This doesn't make sense.
Most of the planets don't have fucking water as abundant as we do. Why would you come here? There could be.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Earth is the only known planet to have consistent stable bodies of liquid water on its surface. Yeah, how many...
No, no, don't laugh at me, guys. Don't laugh at me.

Speaker 2 How many? Okay, let me ask you something, okay? How many planets are in our galaxy? That's unlimited. Nobody's going to be able to do it.
No, just

Speaker 2 billions. No, it's eight.
No. No.
In our galaxy? In our galaxy. No, that's our solar system.
In our galaxy. God damn it, shitfish.
100 billion, right? In our galaxy, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They say that 350 million of them could have atmospheres like us. But we don't.
Yeah, but maybe. Maybe.
That's what I'm saying, though. It could be.
But why do we have to? We're not the alien race.

Speaker 2 We don't have light-speed travel, but that alien from the fucking movie Science can do that. Okay, but imagine he has light-speed travel sciences.

Speaker 2 I've discovered 55 planets that could be Earth-like, could be Earth-like. Where? How far? Who the fuck knows? My point is, say you're zooming through space.
I'm, you and I are an aliens.

Speaker 2 Us three are in the fucking ship. Woo, we're going at light speed.

Speaker 2 Can I drive?

Speaker 2 Even in space, Asians drive.

Speaker 2 That's why I wanted to. You might hit a planet.
I threw a fucking.

Speaker 2 Because you threw me the last joke. I threw you a joke.
Can you imagine? It's a suicide joke? Thank you. You're welcome and thank you.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine, by the way, we get into a car accident in space and I'm like, Bobby, it's infinite.

Speaker 2 How did you hit something? I don't know. I just, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's just hard to fucking, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Park with this. Power steering is tough.
I get it. All right.
It's a blind spot. But say we're zooming through space.
All of us are in the spaceship.

Speaker 2 We're zooming along.

Speaker 2 Why is there three ships? Are we in one? We're together. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Why'd you do three ships? Let us know that stuff's zooming by us.

Speaker 2 Oh, I say we're in the ship and think those are planets we're zooming by. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. And then as we're zooming and I go, where would you guys like to stop?

Speaker 2 By the way, just to remind you, water is the only thing that kills us.

Speaker 2 There are billions and billions of places to stop. Which one would you like to stop at? Well, the only planet that we know that we could live on with the same atmosphere as ours is Earth.

Speaker 2 So let's fucking go there. Aye, but it has too much water.
Yeah, but our planet has 90% water. What do you say, Glorb?

Speaker 3 Hey, have you guys checked out this Bad Friends podcast?

Speaker 3 It's awesome. And these guys are on current.

Speaker 2 That's why they came. They came to us.
You think they came here for us? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was a good movie, though. It was a good movie.
It was. I really liked it.
I know, but I didn't like the catch. I didn't like water.
Oh, that's true.

Speaker 3 I didn't like water. What would you like better?

Speaker 2 What kills them? Yeah. I don't know, but M-Nob Shamalamp, you should have caught up with something else.
What if it was air? They also couldn't open doors. Again, stupid.
Hey, yeah, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 They got here in a fucking spaceship. They couldn't open a door.
Yeah, it's suspension of disbelief, man. I know that.

Speaker 2 I.

Speaker 2 Like, we were watching the movie, you're like, oh, you can't get out of the cupboard. Okay, yeah, they can't.
But why? No way. But no, they have fingers because he chopped one of them off.
Yes.

Speaker 2 So I don't get it.

Speaker 2 They have claws. They had claws.
Yeah, they are. So could the hook not open a door? I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 My dog can't open a door?

Speaker 2 Your dog doesn't die from water. How about this? Google.

Speaker 2 And I've said this before, but I'll tell you the worst part of S-Signs that I hate. I've seen the movie a thousand times.
Yeah. They board up the house.
Yes, I agree.

Speaker 2 Remember, they know the aliens are attacking. What do they hear first?

Speaker 2 Their dog

Speaker 2 dying. Yeah, the dog.
You left the dog out there.

Speaker 2 Who left Scruffy out there?

Speaker 2 I know you were mine.

Speaker 2 The one guy you would get first. I'd get my dog before anybody else.
Anyone else? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean. Dog can't open doors.
You got to get the dog.

Speaker 2 My thing would be Uncle Frank's out there. Leave him.
Yeah, leave him. We got fucking Scruffy.

Speaker 8 He's got a Superman, when his dad goes to save the dog and then he dies, you like that choice.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 What? With Superman. In Superman, he's saying.
With Superman, with Christopher Reeves? No, Kevin Costner. Costner, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's saying his dad goes to save the dog, sacrifices himself to try to save the dog. That's a good choice.
And he's saying that's the choice that you make. Yeah, I think so.
100%. Yeah, 100%.
100%.

Speaker 2 How about you? Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but do you have a dog at home? Yeah. No, you don't.

Speaker 2 You don't love him. You have a dog at home.
You love love him? Yes.

Speaker 2 No, he thought about it.

Speaker 2 You don't love your dog. You piece of shit.
You thought about it. You got a piece of shit.
What's your dog's name? What's your dog? What's your dog's name? Riley. Riley.
Does Riley sleep with you? No.

Speaker 2 Where does his dog sleep? Yeah, where? Her bed. Where is her bed? Outside? Cause you're a fucking piece of shit.
Not bad, Cage. Page.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It was a tympurpedic bed.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 This is because your wife did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you would have left the dog. You don't outside.
Yeah, your wife would have died.

Speaker 2 Saving the dog. Not you, you piece of shit.
You know what, dude? When it all comes down,

Speaker 2 the wife and the dog and the baby now are going to need someone to take care of them because this guy, he's running for the fucking hills. When it gets bad, he's out of there, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm going to slide in there.

Speaker 2 I always wanted a family. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll have your family, dude. Okay.
Uncle, Papa, Tito. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 I cannot believe you wouldn't say that you'd fuck off the dog. Yeah.
How about you, Carlos? Would you sacrifice your life for a dog? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you're not, you don't know if you're sacrificing your life. You're trying to save both of yourselves.
But the assumption would be I might die and that's okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's like, I have to, that's instinct. Gotta.
Right? I have to do it. That's what happened when you made fun of me.

Speaker 2 Remember when the earthquake thing and my dog and I busted my fucking head? Do you remember that? And I went to the ER? What? What? You don't remember this? You made fun of me for like a six months?

Speaker 2 That was foolish. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was foolish. I got up really fast during the earthquake because I heard something break in the front of the house.
So I ran because the dog was sleeping in the front room. Oh.

Speaker 2 And I thought,

Speaker 2 dude, my irrational brain woke up and I was like, not thinking clearly.

Speaker 2 And I heard the big break and I thought, what if the dog got hurt or something happened or it's trapped because one of our old lamps fell on the old ceiling fan that we used to have, shattered and she was stuck in that fucking room.

Speaker 2 So it gives me, it gave me panic. Oh, wow.
So I ran out there. And when I ran out there, the blood rushed to my head because I was so like intense about trying to go get her.
I sat down.

Speaker 2 That's why he used to to make fun of me. I didn't know the dog part.

Speaker 5 That was why I freaked out. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I sat down and I blacked out. My blood rush blacked me out and I smacked my fucking face on the, on the sink counter.
You know what's fucked? Do you know what the doctor said?

Speaker 2 She was like, you are unbelievably lucky. She's like, you should have played the lottery.
You were a centimeter away from that corner hitting your fucking eye and losing an eye.

Speaker 2 Because I hit right here, dude. It hit the corner of my eye.
Oh, imagine that. She's like, you could have lost an eye.
Imagine that. And I would have done that for the dog.

Speaker 2 fancy yeah i would have lost my eye for my dog and i would have been okay with it because you know what i was worried that she was going to be hurt who will play a pirate for that for in the movies are you fucking with me pal play a good pirate bud check this out

Speaker 2 ahoy me

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 anyway um shiver me timbers blow down my doors

Speaker 2 wait why do we even talk about signs because we're talking about fucking aliens and zombies and stuff all right right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 You know, this show, you know, this show goes to aliens and zombies all the time. I love aliens and zombies, Bon.
I'm going to miss you guys more than I think I

Speaker 2 should. Have fun on your trip, man.
But I do hope that we can have some call-ins. Uh,

Speaker 2 when you guys do another taping, I can call in. Maybe, maybe, yeah, maybe.

Speaker 2 I got some good guests lined up, dude.

Speaker 4 They're already lined up. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you know that's not true.

Speaker 2 You're well aware that that's not true. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 How am I fucking doing that?

Speaker 2 That was the test. No, you bring it out of me.
That's so annoying. That's the test.
No, here's the test. How about shut up, you bitch? See what I mean.
You ready to go? No, we're putting that in.

Speaker 2 You're sticking that in.

Speaker 2 You're sticking that in. Because people have to see.
Yeah, they should. Yeah, what that is.

Speaker 2 And that's called being an alpha male. Yeah.
That's being a bully.

Speaker 2 Yeah? Yeah. That's being, I'm in the locker, right? Putting me in the locker.
No, you're too fat for putting a locker. That's the second one.
Write that down, dude. A meat locker.

Speaker 2 That's the second attack. That's the third one.
Yes. That's a third one.
A meat locker. That's where you'd fit.
That's how the whites do it, huh? Yeah. They gang up.
Yeah, we gang up. Yeah, bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bitch.

Speaker 2 Say it, Juice.