Ask Before You Touch

Hey, what up, Bad Friends? I'm still here down on the night. I'm in Australia, but I'm back soon, and me and Bobby are on tour.
Come see the Bad Friends. We're doing 30-plus cities.
We're adding cities. We're adding shows.
I'm so excited to come see you guys, and me and Bobito finally will be back together again. Huh? Yellow and orange, back together again.
Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com.

That's where you can see all the dates

and all the cities that we're going to.

Plus, we're adding cities and adding shows.

So stay tuned and thank you for being a bad friend.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Yeah, I could not. Dude, him.
What? Hisoriel stories last night kept me up. I was so sick and I could not sleep because I was thinking about his Gloriel.
You know what's so funny? What? He asked me after the episode, he's like, was that too much? I know, he asked me that too. What are you talking? Of course, yeah, that's way too much.
It was way too much. It was perfect for the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way too much.
Yeah, we needed to learn that you were an exploratory guy who is very easily manipulated. Yeah.
And also- Naive, naive. Naive.
Hey, hey. Hey.
Naive. And you trick yourself into thinking that it might not be a guy behind whole numbers one and two.
Well, I don't plan on going back in a couple weeks. I don't believe that.
I don't believe that. Guess what? We won't go one time.
You'll never go. Guess what? Would you ever go? Can I say something? I love you so much.
Now, what's wrong with you? I love you so much. I'm honestly going to miss you.
I'm missing you in my heart. I'm so sick right now.
Anyway, thank you, and I love you, too. And I love you more than I think I've ever loved another man.
I love you more than anything on the man. Should we just say something to her right now? Bitch.
Whoa! Was that the meat locker joke? Got that? It's the meat locker joke. It's filling my heart, dude.
All right. All right.
Let me say it, glory boy. Glory boy.
Let me say something to you, dude. You got my respect last night.
You did. You're a bottom dweller, dude.
You're the underbelly of the underbelly, dude. You really are low down to the bottom.
Look up the, what are the, you know that fish that like literally lives at the bottom of the ocean? There you are. There you are.
Oh my God. That kind of looks like you.
Yeah. That's it, dude.
And that's what your parents think of you. Yeah, they do.
Because I've seen the videos. I don't know what they think about.
Oh yeah, yeah. I've seen the videos, dude.
Yeah. With the whole hotel thing when he looked, when your dad turned around and looked at you, dude.
Hey, do me a favor. Will you take your hat off and then spike just a little piece of your hair on the side? Just twist one of the hairs in the middle together like it's an antenna.
Yeah. Exactly, dude.
Exactly, dude. Look at that.
And that's where you're going to die alone. No, Bob.
No, you're going to find somebody. You know what? Oh, you're going to find a bottom dweller too.
Down there. Is there glory holes for girls? Is that a real thing? I like how you look to me.
Well, you're the woman on the show. Yeah, how would that work though? It's more like a porn category.
I think it's a myth. What do you mean how would that work? Well, how does a glory hole for a woman, the hole has to be bigger.
I mean, what are you saying? She puts her lip. No.
Oh, she puts. I'm thinking vagina.
You go? Yeah, right. That.
That's cool. You know that's German.
They're so funny about that kind of stuff. All that stuff came from Germany.
So tell me Nazis did nothing good. But let me say something.
If you had done that, then we'd be like, okay. That's fun.
I'd be okay with any of that. That doesn't exist, though.
That's like a production. That's not true.
That absolutely exists. Do you think there's not sex clubs and stuff like that? Well, I'm not.
I tried to go to a sex club a couple weeks ago. Who brought you there? Just someone I know.
Okay. We know.
We know. Okay, go ahead.
You tried to go? What do you mean they didn't let you in? Well, she asked the owner if go it's a whole thing like i'm like a random guy right like rich people it's straight out of like true detective do you have to send in a headshot i think i would have to send like information about myself like oh i gotta go i gotta go you think i can go you can definitely go yeah let me ask you something go with you no no no no right away yeah because because you're gonna look for holes in the walls. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And I'm going to go, dude, it's not that kind of house. That's not how it goes, man.
And you're going to look at a painting, lift the paintings up. There's a hole.
You know what I mean? Imagine he's just going around punching holes in the walls. Yeah, yeah.
So no, you can't go because it's a beautiful house probably. Yeah, it's a nice house.
So let me ask you this, okay? If I go, how many, is it even? Like if you're at a sex party, is it 50 women, 50 men? Gotta be, right? I think it really is because it's a members thing. Why? You want better odds? You want better odds.
I need better odds. Because that leaves me with one.
I totally agree with you, by the way. Right? And I'm going to strike out with that one, and I'm going to grab the jacket, and I'm going to leave the fucking house.
Right. But then some other guy gets two.
Yeah, but it's probably Tom Hardy. But what if you get two? What if some other guy strikes out? I don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I get it. Also, I don't know how to ask.
Here, I'm a girl and ask me at the party. Hey.
Hey, what's up? Great party. Tell me about it.
I come to these things all the time. Yeah.
Have you been here before? That's my first one. Oh, my first one oh really yeah oh that's so cute I know the same person that Carlos you probably don't know Carlos anyway who's Carlos oh he's not here you mean the guy that's serving food no oh that man's name is Carlos I know no it's not that guy oh okay you wouldn't know the Carlos because he would be digging putting holes in the walls oh the hole glory boy oh he come last time the he come last time? The shit fish.
Yeah, he's been here. Oh, really? Do you know that guy? Oh, yeah.
Shit fish. Yeah, he's my friend.
Anyway, he works for me. Oh, he's sweet.
Yeah, anyway. I like him.
He's sweet. Yeah, he's all right.
So what's out? Anyway, so it looks like 49 people are hooked up with 49 because I'm counting the room. Yeah, everyone is kind of doing their thing.
I guess it's you and me, baby.

See, that's what, that?

That.

Is the nightmare of nightmares.

Right.

But what if it goes like this?

Ready?

Ask me again.

Okay, so.

49 people. Well, that's 49 people and 49 guys, 49 girls together.

Yeah.

I guess you and I, baby.

I mean, it's what I've always wanted.

What?

A Korean.

I've tasted the entire world.

I've never had Korean. Wait, wait, wait.
Let's stop right there the entire world yes like who oh i've had um 13 countries in africa i've had how many guys per country a hundred or so per country well yeah condom though what's a condom oh so raw dog Yeah, O-O-R-D Yeah, yeah Yeah. Oh, that's the lingo? That's what we say.
Because I've never been to a sex club before. It's R-D.
Right. Yeah.
So you raw dog probably thousands of men. Maybe tens of thousands.
Tens of thousands. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I'm wearing my jacket. Hi.
Now you're gone. I couldn't do it.
See what I mean though? Yeah. What do you mean? It could go both ways.
You could be. You're assuming that you're going to want to fuck someone.
What if you find nobody you'd like to fuck? That's what I'm saying. I mean, if it was like this, if it was like Ukraine right now.
What is this? What? How is this like Ukraine? Well, always in an Eastern European country where there's a war. Yeah.
There are more women than men. That's true, yes, because the men are all dead or gone at war.
I didn't want to say that part. I get it.
Hopefully I could just throw Ukraine out there and you would get what I'm saying. Okay, I should.
Next time, that's my fault. Right.
Is it not true Spanish? Yes. Right.
Lovely metaphor. Like if you go to Czechoslovakia, is that how I say it? No, but we'll go with it.
Yeah, yeah. If you go to any of these countries, there's always more women than men.
The men are off at war. Exactly.
Right. Okay, so I want, is there like one in Ukraine? You want Ukraine odds? I want to go to Ukraine.
Let's just go to Ukraine. Yeah.
Let's do a sex party at Ukraine. I'm sure there are a bunch.
So you got denied entry. They literally said you can't come in well i didn't like show up and get turned down at the door you texted this person they said probably not no they reached out on my behalf and they're like i don't know it's like you know it's just him it's kind of weird because the person i know gets paid to hook up with other women like on a bench or on a chair tight like to turn everyone on like as art as art and that's why i think bobby actually would have good odds you would have so much fun because people are turned why would have fun because it's like how much money is this i don't know we have the website right well well let's not show it how much is it how much is it oh you have to there's no way there's going to be a fucking like a paypal page they're not going to you February 11th February 11th Yeah, you have to apply A couple's ticket starts at $1,200 Single gentleman must attend with the female companions approved by us So you didn't get approved? You were the single gentleman that didn't get approved? Oh, so I have to bring somebody Yes No It sounds like a swap Can you go? No far.
I would be at the snack bar the whole time. We'll eat together.
I love eating. We'll go to the snack bar.
He does love eating. They ask for your industry.
I mean, that's kind of cool. And you can put what your kink is.
Yeah. Who can I bring? I'd go, but do I have to have sex? No.
No, you don't. You don't.
I don't think that's part of the thing. I think this is like a sexy party.
And do you have to be naked? I feel like that's a valid question. See, look, you have to upload your full body face in with couples if you're with a partner.
But let me say this. We'll get denied.
But the photo we submit is going to be hilarious. It's going to be us dressed like this.
I think you guys should submit just for the fun of it. Yeah.
I mean, we could dress however we want to. That's right.
I mean, this is basically just a glorified costume party. Yeah.
I would go for you. I'd be so uncomfortable.
I could dress up as Mozart. You could dress up as Rachmaninoff.
Rachmaninoff! Right, and we'd have the wigs and the suit. What do you call it? And I'll be Beethoven.
I'll drop you guys off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll just pull up in an old car and drop you guys off. We'll bring a violin.
You know what I mean? I'll bring a ukulele. I'll bring my trumpet.
Yes. A trumpet.
Oh, the trumpet. I don't think Beethoven played a ukulele, so maybe what else? Harpsichord.
Hopsichord. It's a whole thing.
It's huge. It's huge.
I'll bring it down. I guess we're just going to have to trail that behind the car.
Yeah, yeah. But anyway, so yeah, forget that.
We're not going to do that. $1,200 for a couple.
But I did think it was going to be more in my mind. I thought it was going to be something outrageous, like $10,000 or something.
But $1,200 a couple, so $600 a person. But you have to bring someone else.
And that also means the other person that you bring has to be down to other people. Right.
You're the rules. You always have to ask before you touch.
Well, that's just a standard rule of earth. That's outdoor rules, too.
Ask before you touch. What does that mean? Let this land on you for a minute.
Bobby's never heard of this. I've never heard of this, so just say it again and let me absorb it.
Look at me. Ask before.
Before. Prior.
Not after. No, no, no.
I always do it after. I know.
And I always get in trouble. Ask before you.
I go can I grab your breast yeah you can when they go no no okay so yeah you have to let them know right so may I you know that's why I'd be fucking I'd be polite about it m'lady yes may I you mean as Mozart pinch as Mozart right your clitoris It's hard to say no It's hard to say no to Mozart I gotta tell you I told you I know It's so hard Because you're polite Right And I might say yes I might have Maybe do it with an accent Yeah Mozart was what? He was German, right? Yeah, so he I can't't do one. German.
He'd say my lady. German.
I'll try to do the best I can. Das ist gut.
Fuck off. My lady.
My lady. Give me the line and then let me try.
German. German sound like this.
German's like... Well, it depends on how high you want.
Do you want to do like a... Go ahead.
What? Just forget it. Let's move on.
No, no. I hate these parts.
I always get embarrassed with these fucking parts. Why is it acting class? All right, go ahead.
So, German. German? Yeah, German.
Say this phrase. Say this phrase.
Das. Das.
Das. Das.
Das. Ist.
Ist. Gut.
Gut. Gut.
So, use that. Gut.
Das ist gut, ja? Das ist gut. Ja, can I? Das ist gut.
Das ist gut, ja? Sehr gut. That's not what I'm going to ask the lady, though, dude.
Das ist gut is not going to fucking do... Das ist gut just means that is good.
So you just say it all the time. Das ist gut.
That implies... Can I ask your breath? Well, here.
Can I touch you, my lady? But you know know what let me ask you this question right if prostitution was legal and you could have brothels in these cities and what do you think that would do to our society in America well you wouldn't be here anymore we'd have to do the pot from the red light district. Well, Carlos and I wouldn't be here.
What do you think? We would have died 20 years. You know when I said a legitimate question this morning? Yeah.
I legitimately said, are there emotional escorts? I'm called therapists. I'm sorry.
Maybe that's not right. Take a walk.
No, Juice, you're right're right no I'm saying but imagine imagine hiring a girl imagine hiring a beautiful woman because you're a lonely guy like say you're a lonely shit fish and you hire a woman just to like hug no sex not sex stuff but like hug and to talk and to have like a relationship they have those that. That exists.
Yeah, that exists. You can hire a girl.
There are escorts specifically for that. And no sex stuff.
No sex stuff. Huh.
Yeah. Cuddle sanctuary.
Book a professional cuddler. See, this is my thing.
I don't want to cuddle. I mean- That's what I mean.
This is what this is. You wouldn't do this.
I know I'm interested. I literally said, is this a thing? Is that a thing? I just thought you hire an escort.
Someone goes, I just want to talk to someone. But they end up at some point, I'm sure, having sex.
I have to try this. Yeah.
You know, what's the site? This is cuddlecomfort.com. And there's LA region? Yeah.
Okay, I got to do it. Let's get him one.
Can you pick who it is? Put it on the biz. I can't have anyone bony.
Yeah. Some really skinny, you know what I mean? Karen Carpenter type of a woman.
Well, go to NoBonyCuddlers.com because I think that's what it's called. NoBonyCuddlers.
Anyway, we'll... But seriously, let's get him someone from the Cuddle Sanctuary.
I'm interested in that. Just because I said, I imagine there's many people who are either asexual or they just aren't interested in having sex with strangers that are like, but I just want to talk to some.
Like those sugar babies, you know, sugar babies and sugar daddies. And I watched a documentary on that.
And the whole time they were like, I didn't even have to hook up with them. And then the one other girl was like, yeah, we do.
It was like, yeah, like she was trying to pretend like they don't, but she was like, yeah, they end up do something. They do something.
They say they're like, no, it's just money for companionship. But like the other girl who admitted it was like almost all of us do that.
That's not true. I'm on.
Seeking? No, I'm on a couple of sugar daddy sites. Wait, are you serious? Yeah, but I don't put my face on it.
I just like to browse the girls, see who's doing it. How much money do you have to pay for their, like, you pay them a monthly fee? How does that work? Well, in the sites, right, it's basically like you have to donate money to see certain photos.
And there's a message board there. And these are all girls that are, like, seeking a sugar daddy.
Uh-huh. Right? But I don't know how much it is.
But do you get to see them in real life? Is it only internet-based? No, you get to see them in real life. But you have to obviously during the messaging and stuff, you know what I mean? You have to convince them.
For research for the show, can the show pay for you to have a sugar baby for a month just so we can hear what that's like. And can you have a sugar daddy for a month? Yeah, but I can't put myself, I don't know why, but I don't want to put my face on that side.
I don't know why. What do you have to do to have a, you have to have a profile and you have to put it on.
I'll show you what it looks like. Well, he can bring it up right there.
We have a huge computer. Yeah, but let me just, well, his actual profile, my actual profile.
Oh, you have a profile oh yeah oh yeah so i'm in la california right and you can go and these are they say the age yeah and then they show um yeah yeah oh wow that's my wife wait that's crazy though so 24 and then they just say what they want yeah so what they need like what donations they need yeah yeah and then what do they do for the money that's illegal no no no that's not true because I've never done it they get like an allowance weekly right you pay for the rent It's like, yeah, no, that's not true because... What Bobby asks for.
I've never done it. They get like an allowance weekly, I believe.
Right, you pay for the rent. It's like, yeah, I don't need that though.
I don't need... If I was at a point where I needed to do that, I don't need to do it.
See, this is what's funny. I've clicked on two of these now.
In both of them, it says they haven't filled out their wants section, which means they're open to you saying, here's what I need. Tell me, like, look, this one says once.
Oh,

this one, fill it out. Looking for a sweet sugar daddy.
Hello. I'm looking for a real sugar daddy.
No games, please. I'm looking for someone to spoil me.
I'll be support. I am looking for companionship and to be a loyal sugar baby to the right daddy.
I'm very fun, bubbly, and loyally trustworthy. Body type, fit.

Ethnicity, Hispanic.

24.

And her name is Diana.

I just realized why I have the sign.

Why?

When I look at the photos, I always yell at them.

What do you mean?

Get a job.

Get a job at Subway.

This is their job. That's a sour daddy.
Yeah yeah i want to be a sour daddy i think yeah yeah because doesn't this make you i mean i mean just let me just say something right yeah with only fans right and i know there's a lot of women and i support it if you want you know but It's just like there is a part of me that i can't do it right and it's like as a male i would never i was never able to you know i mean get any kind of money based on the way i looked that's literally how you make money right now i know but it's not no no that is exactly how we make money right now i understand that but we had to spend 30 years grinding it out so these women are smarter than us they beat us to the punch they figured it out okay these women literally cut the line they figured out why am i wasting my time with loser guys when i can just get paid to talk to other loser guys who aren't broke but there's a new study though steal their money saying look at this society though yeah the new study is one of three men under the age of 30 do not have sex okay do you know why was that different years ago yes okay why because in in our age of social media yeah right and in our age of um the the internet they um one of three men right they um they're just obsolete now because they don't have the money, right? They don't have the money. They don't have the resources.
They don't have the resources, right? Look on it again. Sounds like these men need to find a job.
No. Whoa! Zoom in.
I think she, look, it says right here. It's enfranchised.
A growing body of research has been reported. The declines in sex says Chung Chit jane fu a research associate at the iu school of public health in bloomington led the study uh men do not know how to speak to women anymore because of the phone yeah and the women don't like losers so yeah even i don't know if that's true like they did study on like tinder right like you know like if you get 50 if you have 50 men and 50 men women on tinder um 48 46 of the women are going for four men yes on tinder right and because it's like those are the ones that they want right yeah but let me say that and the rest of them are being excluded there's other factors that are involved in this right we as a society because of social media have become way more vain way self-involved.
And so when they get on these fucking apps, they're looking for the hot guy. And you look at some of these studies, they ask young women where they're like, what would you want a guy to make a living, you know, to make you happy? And all of these women say insane numbers.
I know that's what I'm saying. They're like, I want a half a million dollars a year.
It's like, you know how many men under fucking 30 make a half a million dollars? It's like less than a half of a percent makes that kind of income around the country. And they want someone who's tall and they want some of this.
So you see all these things. The expectations of humans have just gotten insane because of social media.
They think they're going to meet the fucking perfect guy, assuming they're the perfect girl. Everyone's crazy.
Everyone needs to know your number. Know your number.
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What do you mean? You know your fucking

number. One through ten? Yes.

Physically or just in the whole thing?

Your number. It's all the above.
Everything in.

All in. I'm a nine.

This is what I'm talking about crazy fucking doesn't know shit he knows his number you know your number what's your number i'm a seven i've been a seven my whole life i know exactly what i'm seven too then sure i you i reached you far yeah you went way too high no but no i could i this is a room i want to defend my nine this is a room filled with sevens No, I believe that you went way too high. No, but no, I I want to defend my nine.
This is a room

filled with sevens. No, I

believe that you were once a seven.

I've been a seven my whole, I've been seven.

Really, do other sevens

get Netflix specials?

7.5 now. Do you want me to

name other sevens that got Netflix specials?

Yeah, but they're not sevens, they're nines.

No, no.

Listen, the truth is, I know

you're trying to be humble about it. No, I'm being serious.

I know what I look like. But dude, it's like

Thank you. Yeah, but they're not sevens.
They're nines. No, no.
Dude, I'm going to listen. The truth is, I know you're trying to be humble about it.
No, I'm being serious. I know what I look like.
But, dude, it's like I've even being single and reading my direct messages and stuff on my Instagram, so many girls go, I think you're not my type, but I think Andrew's hot. Rude.
That's very fucking rude. It is.
Dude, I've gotten up with Theo, like I've matched with people on um tinder and all these dating sites and they say I don't like you I like Theo can you hook me with Theo or Andrew I thought Theo messaged you no I don't I get it all the time and it breaks my heart when I see it I don't like that well it happens well you know what I get what I'm saying I get message you a good looking guy. I get messages where people go, love Bobby, love the show.
I hate you. But that's fine.
That's not fine. That hurts.
That's true. You get that? Oh, yeah.
You're ruining the podcast. I've read a couple of those, but I've read a thousand.
We love you. Yeah.
Who the fuck says you're ruining the show? You're not ruining the show. That's why you're on it.
We decide. Anybody who thinks that Juicy's ruining the show, stop watching the fucking show.
How about that? No, watch, but just tune her out. I mean, come on.
Let's not go crazy. You know what I mean? We need the numbers, all right? Stop commenting.
She sucks. All right, let's move on.
So funny. Watch it.
But you're a good-looking guy. You're a nine.
You're a successful person. You have money.
You have influence. have influence you are nine don't pull the seven with me i'm an eight point five what's juicy she was a four what is she now a six because of this show yes so you say she was a four which i disagree with and you think now she's a six yes i agree because you you gain confidence with it i think you're a beautiful person juicy and i know we're all the same in terms of like god's love yeah my number in terms of god's love god uses the same right i'm saying here in la i get that yeah yeah okay what's these two oh wow that's a hard one what's the shit fish shit fish yeah what shit shit fish in real life i'm sorry that this is sticking but it sounds so fun to say yeah honestly dude i think shit feels you're a seven i just say it's we have to get shit fish shirts yeah yeah yeah we can we just do your fate like your head your floating head on the bottom in the bottom of the oceans they say shit fish i gotta say yes yeah yeah what is what's fancy now but by the way but yeah he's gotten even higher because his status from the show, his status in the community.
He's having a fucking baby and women love. I would say he's an eight.
Eight, yeah. I would say you're an eight out of ten.
But my point is that there's so many men out there that are, and I just don't know who to blame. I know who to blame who fucking mark zuckerberg that's true facebook fucking ruined society i completely think it was the demise of social interactions in society it's made some things wonderful but most things dog shit yeah but the internet helped us though so it's like i i struggle with the concept of the internet yeah because it's detrimental and it's also so good.
It's like, for me, in terms of my business, it got me past the fucking middlemen. I agree.
It did help. And we could just go directly to the people and the people decide if we're funny.
And I really appreciate them. And that's why we have a great relationship with our fans, right? Because we don't have somebody that has to tell us the way we're supposed to talk to our fans and do our version of YouTube without Facebook that's what I'm saying I think Facebook is what I'm blaming not YouTube not not Google I think Facebook in general which was this world I dude I went to Arizona State we were one of the non Ivy League schools that got Facebook first right so Ivy League schools went first and then non Ivy Leaguers were like, Arizona state, Florida state, like these big university state schools, we got it first.
And I remember, I remember vividly seeing all these photos of people on campus and being like, holy shit. It like opened up this new world of like, you could flirt with anybody on here.
I can just say hello to a girl that I would never say hi to in public because I don't have the balls. But on here, be like hey i think you're fucking hot or make make a funny joke and if she likes it then i won and i was like the power of that yeah is crazy it's crazy because you don't have the ability to go up to a girl face to face and say something real you can just hide behind the computer forever and you never need to go do the thing if you don't want to yeah that's where my jealousy came through my space right same i tell you what happened huh what was your screen to me bobby lee that's it yeah oh so i was friends with dr ken john noodles magoodles or something come on man come on noodles magoodles that was a good one i didn't think of it i'm saying come on man because that's bright so good and good noodles magoodles at aol.com right that have been great So This is so embarrassing This story So I was friends with Dr.
Ken And you know how you Could you put your top 10 friends or 15 friends Yeah I remember that Your top friends right Yeah So for years I was Ken's top friend But then he started Moving up in the world right So one day I looked at his fucking MySpace And it was Apatow Will Ferrell I mean This mean, this is the new people he's hanging out with, right? So I was at fucking Cobbs with him and I walk up to him and I go, and my tone was bad. I go, hey, bitch.
Okay. Oh, you're moving up.
I'm not in your top friend's MySpace. He turns around, he pushes me, dude.
And then Steve Byrne had to fucking separate us. We almost got in a fist fight.
What? Yeah. Over the top friends on MySpace.
The top friends on MySpace. But he did remove you.
Yeah, he never put me back on either. Fuck him, dude.
Fuck that guy. Fuck, that was stinky move.
That was a stinky stink. Stinky, stinky move.
Yeah, yeah. That was close to, that was almost.
But that was childish. Who gives a fuck? What do you mean you do care? It's your friend.
I know I did care. You know, yeah.
I didn't care so much. That's a big deal.
I cared so much. Back then, that was a fucking huge.
Did you have MySpace or no? yeah that was a big deal how old were you? 12? what? no I was in junior high yeah I was gonna say probably 16, 14, 15 I was close and into high school I had it too you know what I hated about MySpace? what? that I couldn't gain any ground on it like I felt like I would try to like post stuff and do stuff and it just wasn't gaining. So I was like, this is a fucking waste of my emotional time.
But I remember my space, I got laid. You know how? Tell us.
I'm sure I can say her name. You don't need to.
Okay, there's this one girl. Beautiful.
Right? She was a suicide girl. Oh, okay.
She was a suicide girl. A suicide girl.
Yeah, it's a company's a company People might not know what you're talking about No she tried to kill herself I just wanted that joke No but she was a suicide girl By the way I was setting you up for that joke I know Thank you and then she only followed all, at the time, Asian actors. Wow.
At the time, right? She's not Asian. Beautiful, redheaded white girl.
One of my people. She's 5'11".
So me. Beautiful.
How do you know it wasn't me? What? It wasn't you. Okay.
Then we fucked. Okay.
If it was you, you and I fucked her i fucked it okay all right but she and then just through messaging you could tell that she only likes asians asian actors and i was the last of the famous asian actors she had been through everybody yeah she would jack lee i mean everybody ripped through ripped through them all right and i and then i met her in ve, and we had sex in my hotel room. Which hotel? It was at the Bellagio, I believe.
That's a good hotel. It's a good hotel, yeah.
What's the worst hotel you've stayed in in Vegas? In Vegas? Yeah. Well, I've stayed in good ones.
What's the worst one? Because when I was coming up and we had to go to Vegas, we stayed Circus Circus, which is very, very sad. It's the saddest place on earth.
It's so gross and sad in there. And the worst one, we had to all split a room.
We shared a room in the fucking basement of the Mirage. Ugh.
It smelled like mold, and I thought, well, I'm not going to sleep in this room. We're going to die.
I slept outside. I mean, I just sat on the sidewalk and took a nap.
I did not want to go back to a moldy basement Mirage Hotel. No.
I stayed in the Extended Stay America just two nights ago, and it was awful. Those are tough.
The guy sent me to the wrong hotel room at 3 a.m. Where was this at? In Santa Barbara? In Santa Barbara.
Yeah. And I went back down three times, and the third time I was like, the key's not working.
He's like, maybe you're in the wrong room. Jesus.
And he head thing yeah I was like you tell me man if he had done that I would have killed him I would have murdered him murdered him but then he started freaking out that he was gonna get in trouble because I told him I was like chill but I said man you sent me to somebody else's room at 3 a.m that could have been pretty dangerous yeah and he started freaking out he's like I'm gonna get in trouble like oh no this sucks and I. I was like, I'm not going to rat on you, man.
I just need the key to my room. That's why Hilton fired this guy.
He just couldn't get it together. They're like, go to Extended State, man.
We can't. A million people will know now.
Well, I didn't. Yeah, I guess.
Did you ever play Harrah's in Vegas? I never did. The 16.
Because there's Harrah's. You'd have to do 16 shows in one week.
Yeah, Monday through Sunday. Monday through Sunday.
Oh my God. Mondays were.
16? Monday through Wednesday were the most brutal shows you could possibly do. And at the time I had no money.
And so you'd have to, they gave you an employee pass and you ate at the, with the employees in the, what do you call it? In the basement. In the basement.
I did that with LaughF did that with Laugh Factory right right and you wait in line with the guy everybody right with the dealers the dealers everybody right the janitors and you can smoke in there too I remember in the basement right you still can I know right so in the heroes there's a Geraldina's ice cream place is that what I'm saying I think that's right Geraldini's yeah Gerald no no Gerardelli's Gerardelli's Gerardelli's ice cream and I remember that what I'm saying? I think that's right. Geraldini's? Yeah, Gerald.
No, no, Geraldine's. Geraldine's.
Geraldine's. And I remember sitting there, I had a fucking banana split, and there was a fucking guy from the South sitting next to me.
We just sprung up a conversation, and I literally asked him, where can I get a gun in Vegas? I remember asking that. He's like, when I'm done with mine, you can use it.
Yeah, I go, because I think I'm going to kill myself. That's how miserable I was.
You're like, I think I'm going to banana split. That's right here.
I love it. Meat locker, not so much, but.
And people say you suck. You're good.
So good. Vegas, when you're sad and broke, is maybe the toughest place.
I stayed in the Howard Johnson. This was like eight years ago.
I forgot all of that. Little H.J., baby.
The me and my buddy Kenner. What do you eat in Vegas? What's your favorite restaurant? In Vegas? Yeah.
Interesting. What? That's what it's called? I kind of don't want to give it away.
See how foofy is? No, no, on air. On air.
I'm saying. You'll tell me? I would tell you every.
I tell you every. Is it in any of the casinos? Nope.
Okay. No, I'll tell you.
I'll tell everyone right now. I'll blow it up because it's one of the best.
It's called Lotus of Siam. Google Lotus of Siam.
And it's an Asian restaurant? It is. Chinese? It is maybe my favorite Thai food I've ever had in my entire fucking life.
It's off the strip. It was award winning.
It's in a fucking strip mall out in Vegas. Go to photos of the inside of it.
I think Lotus of Siam is one of my fucking favorite Thai restaurants I've ever been to in my fucking. Wow.
It's so good. And they're award winning.
But it looks like this. It's old school Vegas.
It's been there for like 50 years. It in a shitty little strip mall it's super unassuming you would never know well look they've redone the outside of the whole thing unless that's a second location they're killing it when they put neon signs like that they're killing is that the second look because that's the original right there is what the original looks like wow and honestly my my buddy brought me that's that is exactly what it looked like right there that was wow so my friend my friend says who's uh a family member lives in vegas and says you know what kind of food do you want i said well you know let's go off for like a steak or italian or whatever and he's like you want good thai food and i said i don't know man la has really good thai food and he was like trust me though you will i promise you'll love this place i said okay do we get in the car we go to this spot i swear to god i got out of the car i was like this isn't funny you're fucking with me this is not even a funny bit especially when you're hungry I was starving I was losing my mind we go inside it was honestly it was like a Tuesday night it was slammed tons of people waiting I was like what the fuck you could not tell from the outside then when we get inside he knows someone we get a table right away do you speak the language or no yeah but the song thank you okay good good that's all that's what i want yeah and honestly i love when he does that so racist but it was so look at that's what it was like i mean it was like wow it was so slammed and the and he said to me he goes how do you like to order food and i said when i go to like this, give me as much stuff as we can eat.
Like, I'll take, I don't want, you know when you go, I don't want to order one dish. Fuck that.
I want to try all the shit. You and I together, we've eaten together.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
It's absurd. We're crazy.
Give me the whole half of the menu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he ordered so much shit. And then you leave and I pay for it.
But anyway. That's right.
You're rich. I'm not.
Yeah, you are. Anyway, Lotus to Siam.
Lotus to Siam is my favorite place to play. I'm going to go.
You have to go. How come we've never done...
Where can we... I'm so sick of that.
Where can we play in Vegas? Well, let's do a show in Vegas and then we can go. But where? What do you mean where? I know.
We could go to Wise Guys and stay at Pauly's house. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. No, I mean.
Nicolas Cage is his neighbor. I know.
He told me that story on my show that Nick Cage is his neighbor and they hang out all the time. Yeah.
I've seen videos of them, so it's true. No, I believe them.
It's just so funny that Nick Cage and Pauly Shore. I mean, it's just like that's exactly what would be.
Like that new Nick Cage movie. Yeah.
That's exactly like what his real life. Did you see that movie? Yeah.
Unbearable. Unbearable Unbearable Weight or something Massive Talent Massive Talent and Carrot Top the three of them are in a group chat you know Jason Schwartzman? yeah of course from Rushmore? yeah he has a brother his older butter yes so I was talking to Robert and I go any Nick Cage stories? because that's his cousin yeah that's so no, he's the coolest guy, he said.
I mean, I love him so much. If he walked down the street right now, he would hug me and we would, you know what I mean? He's legit.
He's a great guy. Well, you know, do you know about the- Their family is- The Coppola family? I didn't know that.
Do you know who- You know who Francis Ford Coppola is? Yeah, and I forgot Nicholas Cage is a Coppola, but I did hear that before. He is.
But the Schwartzman side? So Coppola, the director, his sister is Talia Shire. Do you know who Talia Shire is? She was in The Godfather, but she was also in Rocky.
She played Adrian. Do you remember Adrian? The family tree.
Adrian, right? Look at me. Sorry.
Don't look away from him. Yeah.
Look at me. Her two kids is Jason Schwartzman and Robert Schwartzman.
Whoa. Or her brother, our sons.
Right there. And Matthew Shire.
Yeah. Talia Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola.
That whole family is legit. Giancarlo Coppola, Roman, and Sofia.
Roman, also a director. Yeah, Roman.
The most famous Italian fucking show business family in the world.

So talented.

Don't you think?

Well, I mean, there's no one with that kind of extension.

I mean, I would say the only one that would come close would be like,

you know, I don't know fucking if Scorsese has extended family, but.

Maybe the Olsons.

Take a walk.

Well, they're our sisters.

I know.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop for a second.

Let's explore that.

Okay.

For the fans.

For the fans.

All right.

The Olsons.

There's someone on the keyboard right now. This is what I'm talking about.

I mean, because we're doing Italian.

Are the Olsons Italian? Oh, I didn't know we were doing Italian. I thought it was.
Well, let's find out. Are the Olsens Italian? Welcome back to Are the Olsens Italian.
Ashley Fuller Olsen was born 1986 in Sherman Oaks, daughter of Jeanette Jamie Olsen. Norwegian ancestry.
Yeah. That was close.
French, German, and Italian. Oh, shit.
Okay, all right. So the Olsen family is one of the oldest, like, historic Italian families in Hollywood.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that makes sense.
Wow, you're bright. Thank you.
You're welcome. Those kids, those kids, those adult women now, it's just so funny that they did something so powerful when they were young that they literally never had to work ever again.
They didn't. They chose to in different ways, but they made so much fucking money as children.
They never had to do anything ever again. That's what cute does.
Cute. Dude, they were.
$550 million. No one cuter as white girls.
Macaulay Culkin, cute white boy. Dude, he's a cutie too, dude.
Cutie patootie. Cute.
You know who else was cute? Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore.
Cute as fuck, but you know Short Round was cute too. We got an Asian in there.
Well. Data? Data was cute.
He was cute. And now he won an award.
Oscar? But not cute anymore. He's not cute anymore.
Let me see what he looks like now. What do you mean he's not cute anymore? He's won an Oscar, right? Golden Globe, yeah.
Golden Globe, I mean. I like him.
He killed it in that movie. I think he's kind of cute still.
Vroom.com. So I got my mom a car.
I bought mom a car, and guess what? I didn't want to have to go out of my way to go jumping around from lots to lots. Let me ask you a question.
Did you go to the lots? No, I couldn't do it. It's dumb, right? I don't want to go.
It's a waste of time. I just don't want to go.
I want to be at the comfort of my home. Where'd you go, bud? I went to Vroom.com, baby.
Exactly. That's where I went.
With Vroom, you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you, which I did. I got my car delivered from my mom in Chicago, Illinois.
You never have to haggle or negotiate the price of a car so you know you're getting a good deal. With thousands of cars, Andrew, available on Vroom.com, you can make sure you get the ride you really want so you don't have to haggle or negotiate the price of a car so you know you're getting a good deal with thousands of cars andrew available on vroom.com you can make sure you get the ride you really want so you don't have to settle and the best part about it bobby you got a full week or 250 miles whichever one comes first to test it out make sure your new ride is right for you and all these cars on vroom.com come to the 90-day limited warranty and a one-year roadside assistance nationwide can i ask you a question what can i trade in my own car you better believe you can trade in your old car when you buy one.
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You can buy a car from Vroom entirely online. So next time you need to buy a car, just grab your phone, go to vroom.com, and check out thousands of cars.
Morgan and Morgan, hey, one time I got in a little accidental. I got hit by a woman in our neighborhood, and it was not as so good.
She was looking at the wrong way. And we were this way and she was on her mobile cellular phone.
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I didn't know who to go to. In 2020, by the way, there was over 5 million car crashes.
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There's a really cute Wait a minute. Let the shit fish explain.

Go ahead.

I just don't think he's ugly.

He's not ugly. We didn't say he was ugly.
Who said he was ugly?

Well, I thought not being

cute meant ugly.

Yeah. Okay.

Imagine wallpaper.

Just watch it.

Just imagine. I'm thinking about it.
Yeah. All right.

You're in Asia, dude. Right.
You walk into a

wallpaper. It's like

Thank you. Imagine wallpaper.
Just imagine this. I'm thinking about it, yeah.

All right.

You're in Asia, dude.

Right?

You walk into a... Wallpaper is like little koi fish.

Right?

And a couple of dragons, right?

Oh, I like that.

And there's some paintings up there too, right?

One of like...

Sherman Mao.

Mao Zedong.

Mao Zedong.

Yeah.

Right?

Didn't you say Sherman Mao?

Yeah.

I just said Sherman Mao.

I don't know what Sherman Mao is. I don't know Yeah.
Right, right, right. And then you see it, the hole.
I see it? You see a hole, right? Yeah. Right? Would you do it if you knew that he was on the other side? I think I would just say hi.
No, no, it's, no, there's no, you can't look, you can't put your eye in it. No.
no. But I wouldn't.
If I knew he would. Because you put your eye in and stick your dick in.
That's weird. But you're not allowed to talk to him.
Yeah, you can't talk. That's part of the rules.
Yeah. But Bobby keeps making these situations where I'm like, like on my knees at whole level.
Like I'm the one sucking dick. Oh, that's true.
We never even got to that. But, we never got to that.
So in these situations, it didn't go the other way. Yeah.
Ever. A dick never came out the other way.
No, no. You swear to God.
I swear. No, I'm hiding stuff now.
He said no. He didn't swear to God.
The way that he said it sounded really sketchy. That was sketchy.
Say I swear to God. I can't swear to God.
Why? Why? It's God. Ask me to swear to God right now.
I'll do it right now. Swear to God.
I'll swear to God on anything. Hey, are you black? Swear to God.
No, I swear to God. Yeah.
Easy money. I'll even say, just ask.
Are you black? I'm black. Swear to God.
I don't care. It doesn't matter.
I will lie. Swear to God.
It doesn't matter. Swear to God.
I swear to God. Okay, good.
All right. I don't buy it.
I don't buy it either. He's shaking right now.
See how nervous he is? So you wouldn't glory hole him? No, I wouldn't glory hole him. You know, imagine if you did glory hole him the moment that he came, he would go, booby trap.
And then he would. Right.
What? I got to tell you, I got to say, I don't believe that you haven't

suck suck

I think you have suck suck

Andrew I wouldn't

I've been thinking about it

I promise I've never suck sucked

Have you ever gotten fucked in the ass before by a man?

No

I've never had like butt stuff happen

Have you jerked off a man before?

Never

Swear to God to swear to the lord wow interesting I just don't believe I don't believe it either for some reason it just doesn't lay right with me yeah yeah alright get off of this guy congratulations to him by the way he's great killing it very much killing it um I'm gonna I wanna say this because this episode is gonna be out and I'm gonna be in Australia mate yep and I'm very excited to go um i'm gonna i want to say this because this episode is going to be out and i'm going to be in australia mate yep and i'm very excited to go but i'm very nervous and i'm not gonna lie why last night last night my buddy chris said to me he goes you've been running really hot and i was like what do you mean and he's like well dude you were like you i was gone for a month then i came back for four days then i went to par I'm back for literally like what? Not a full week. And I'm gone again.
Then he goes, you haven't had time to like register any of this stuff, huh? And I was like, not really. To be honest with you, the only time I have was talking to you.
Yeah. And I was like, I really haven't thought about it.
And he goes, I bet you so much money the moment you get to Australia in your hotel by yourself, you're going to cry. He's like, you're going to cry.
In happiness. In like, like in in just like letting the weight sit on me but how does honestly and i said to him maybe because i haven't i don't know the last time i cried how are you feeling right now that's what i'm saying you should be so happy no no but i'm agreeing with what he's killing the game no no i'm agreeing i'm so proud of what he's saying is true i'm i'm acknowledging i'm not thinking it's like i can't believe it i'm leaving in four hours yeah it still hasn't registered in my body yet like when i came back from new york i was still like okay now it's time i can just like get back to doing the pod and seeing you guys and then i have no time i was like it just hasn't registered yet and i know i'm going to be alone over there a little bit so it's going to register no what's going to happen is that these guys that you're in the movie with over there are going to invite you out because you guys are quarantined.

And you can have it.

We're going to get seen on this fucking podcast.

I don't know, man.

I think I think those guys are pretty in their own space.

I don't know.

That's what I thought when I went to fucking Hungary.

And that becomes with all of everybody.

Yeah, but you're affable in a different way.

All right.

Anyway, let's move on.

This fucking guy fucking plays golf with celebrities. He's invited to private parties.
This is the guy. Okay.
Sorry. This is the guy.
In New York, you're like, I'm having to, I'm not going to say who, but like famous guys. No.
I went with you. Okay.
All right? So don't play this game right now. You were there too.
I know, but I was invited by you. That's right.
All right, so let's move on. You're killing it.
But I'm just, no, I am happy. I'm nervous.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm very, very nervous.
You're honestly, every movie you've done. Has bombed.
No, it doesn't matter. You've stolen the scenes.
I agree. From these movies.
There's something about you where it's just like, people just chuckle once you get on screen. Well, you're the same way.
You're the exact same guy. I don't know, man.
Yeah, the same guy. How Hollywood? Hello, Hollywood.
Yeah, yeah. Hello, Hollywood.
Hi. That's not Hollywood.
Can you imagine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that actually probably is what Hollywood is.
That's not Hollywood. Some fucking goofball guy who barely speaks English.
Hi. Yeah.
How are you making your decisions, Hollywood? How do you pick movie stars now? I look and see who I chuckle with. See what I mean? That's Hollywood.
I look to see who I chuckle with. That's why we're fucked.
Yeah. That's why this whole system is shattered.
Because guys like this are running the show. Yeah.
I can't get behind it, dude. You're fired.
Have you ever fucked up a slate so bad? Have you ever fucked up a slate live in front of people? You know? Like live when you're supposed to like, hey, Amanda Santino, da-da-da-da, six foot one, whatever the fuck. No, I always make it weird.
Live, when you're live. Even live.
Yeah. What do you do? Because if you make it weird, it makes them, I try to get a laugh in the sleigh.

Yeah, you're memorable.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So I like, if they go turn around or your side profile, I'll turn completely around,

do a giggle, you know what I mean?

And shake your ass.

Right.

I'll do it like, yeah, I'll do stuff that make them laugh.

Yeah.

Right.

And I always, this is the thing, this is so stupid.

This is one of my things though.

It's just, you have to pretend that you're grateful to be there, but you don't need it. That is one of my things, though.
It's just you have to pretend that you're grateful to be there,

but you don't need it.

That is kind of part of the trick.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, you want them to need you.

Right.

You're like.

Like, this is kind of, you know what I mean, below me, but I'm cool.

You have to be like, hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

I've, all right, anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've done that. I've done that.
I've done that. I'm sorry I'm late.
Yeah. I'll do that on the self-tape.
Yeah. The self-tape.
Hey, Jeski, sorry I'm late. Yeah.
The most embarrassing thing that I did, I when I tested for a fucking SNL, you're supposed to say your fucking name when you got on stage. And I was so excited and nervous and anxious.
I didn't say my name. I went right into a character.
You're supposed to say your fucking name when you got on stage and I was so excited and nervous and anxious I didn't say my name I went right into a character you're supposed to say your name say hello to the table hey go hey you guys because they're filming it so it's supposed to go hey everybody hey I'm Andrew Santino blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah this was a step back and then start the tape I literally got on stage and I was like, I started going. No, really? I swear to God.
I swear to God. Wait, who was in the woods? Lauren was there, obviously.
Yeah, Lauren. Was Seth there? I think so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't really see the whole table.
Right. Like, they put them kind of in the dark on purpose.
And then, you know, I think Higgins was there. I think there was, you know what I mean? I think there was a few people that are part of that family that were just there to watch and give their opinion.
But I remember in the middle of the first character, I was panicking. Sweat beats because it was doing well, but I was like, I didn't say my fucking name.
I didn't say my name. I was panicking the whole time.
And then I thought, once it's done, I can't go, hey, I'm Andrew Santino. I had to go right into another character.
I love it. I was losing my mind upstairs.
I love it. Yeah, I just started fucking rambling on.
One of my favorite ones that never made it that I didn't do live that I did on the tape that they liked, was I did a sushi chef with a lisp. I said, my name is Salami Samuelson.
I'm a sushi chef to the stars Today we're serving Sashimi And I just had a really heavy list It was a sushi chef to the stars Salami Samuelson Did it kill? On the tape it did great But when we went down the tape lines Of what characters they said I should do live They said not to do it live wow because and i got it i knew exactly why why

because it's all up here it's all like my like you would have to physically see me dressed like a sushi chef and doing something absurd to help the character along with story where the other ones you could do story without needing the you know what i mean it would that wasn't it was so much more voiced than physical but the other ones are physical but that one i thought was one of my favorite of my favorites. Salami, salmon, and sushi, after the start.
Sashimi, sir? I just love the idea of making the writers write something. I wanted them to write something for me where you couldn't understand a word that I was saying.
You couldn't really hear any of that. They all blended together.
You know? We should do a Bad Friends sketch show. Some salmonockey? I would kill to do a Bad Friends sketch show.

And get some of our friends in it.

What do you think?

I would love to be a part of that.

All right, well, you're auditioning right now for the Bad Friends sketch show.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Three impressions, three characters, please.

When you're ready.

Okay.

Hey, what's up?

I'm Bobby Lee.

Is it good?

It's really, really good. Oh really good.
Fuck. The Asian accent.
You know what the problem was? Not Asian. You didn't slate.
Oh, no. You didn't slate.
You're fired. That was my second impression of you, Andrea Santino.
Oh, burn me. Do a real impression of me.
Go ahead. Sound like like me I had a shitty day I golfed with a couple millionaires and now I have to go to Australia I think I'm going to cry when I get there I love it, so good my big movie alright, alright now do Bobby fuck you man Oh,.
So good. All right, all right.
So good. Now do Bobby.
Fuck you, man. Oh, that's good.
Pretty good. That sounds exactly like it.
Yeah, I know it's fucking good. Whoa.
Whoa. Hey, are you guys watching The Last of Us? Oh, it's so good.
You told me to watch that. I just haven't gotten around to it.
It's really good, huh? What do you think of it? I like it bobby doesn't like it what i'm into it i know about it's slow but like i think it'll get cooler yeah i don't know about mushroom zombies show me the pictures you told me this you caught we talked because the video game's so good and then i read reviews i i saw for the first time last night what do you mean it's a video oh it was a video game yeah video game. Yeah.
It's like, whatchamacallit? What's the other thing that just did this? Yeah, and they're like mushroom zombies. That's a zombie? Yeah, yeah.
What happened to their heads? They're infected with mushrooms. Fungi.
What? Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait.
That's what they're fighting? But you know how, like, you know, trees and all these things communicate through the fungi? Correct. It's like the internet, the fungi, right? So I guess the internet now has gone into humans, and they tell humans what to do.
So if you step out of fungi, it lets other fucking zombies know where they are. So they're all communicating.
I just don't get... Zoom in, zoom in on that.
What is that? Yeah. Whoa.
Overgrown fungi Yeah That's developed like hairs and stuff Yeah I just Is that scary? It's nasty It's pretty scary It's gross Yeah it's pretty scary What do you You don't like it? It's okay You've seen it? Yeah I've seen only the first episode What kills them? It seems like Zombies are are hard to kill yeah like explosive well well because look zombies in the in the modern world you can yeah yeah let's go there what what kills a vampire tell me well vampire is garlic or a steak to the heart and light and light very good sunlight sunlight right you have uv rays work too correct all right what aboutwolf? Silver bullet. Fucking, you're so good.
Silver bullet. Very good.
What kills a Frankenstein? You remove the bolts from his neck. Very good.
Yep. Blood's cushion.
Blood's cushion. Yeah.
That's holding his body together, the bolts. Mommy.
You got to step on one end and unravel him. Very good.
Like a tetherball. You just have to fucking hit him until the ball comes off.
Yeah. And then you see what they look like and you don't like it so you put it back on.
I don't know what they look like underneath that but I don't like it. You just rewrap him? Yeah I rewrap it.
Okay so what's another one? Now zombie. Zombie you must shoot in the head.
Exactly. You have to dismember the brain.
Yeah. But see, this is what I mean.
This thing doesn't look like it has a traditional brain. Yeah.
I think one bullet went to the head and he kept going. So I don't know what the fuck happened.
So how a bunch of bullets. No, I don't like that.
See, it is though. See, these creatures of our of our modern fantasy, they need to have the one way to kill them.
Right. Which is why in Signs, I was bummed that it was water.
Spoiler alert. You know what? Don't fucking fuck with me with Signs, dude.
It was water? One of the best movies ever made. Water.
It's fine. Water? Yeah, that's why they went inland.
Yeah, but dude, they landed on a planet that's fucking mostly water. Yeah, but their planet, who knows? What if it was 95% water? No, no, no.
Water kills water kills them i know they were on a planet 95 and they went let's go to earth that's 40 percent water or whatever so they were surviving on a planet a species with all i have no idea yeah i know my point it doesn't make sense i don't know what they come from this is my point it makes no sense they came to a planet that's comprised mostly of water when water is the thing that also we also don't know how many planets are there are have like the same kind of like um you know atmospheres that they and us we have almost none of them but why would they come here to the water one because we don't know what they come from but there's so many other ones without water i don't know are there how many all of them we're one of the only ones like this this doesn make sense. Most of the planets don't have fucking water

as abundant as we do.

Why would you come here? There could be.

No!

Earth is the only known planet to have consistent

stable bodies of liquid water on its surface.

Yeah, how many...

No, don't laugh at me.

How many... Okay, let me ask you something, okay?

How many planets are in

our galaxy? That's unlimited. Nobody knows that.
It's going to say billions. No, it's eight.
No. In our galaxy? In our galaxy.
No, that's our solar system. In our galaxy.
God damn it, shitfish. 100 billion, right? In our galaxy, right? They say that 350 million of them could have atmospheres like us.
Yeah, but maybe. Maybe.
That's what I'm saying, though. It could be.
But why did it come here? We're not that alien race. We don't have light speed travel, but that alien from the fucking movie Science can do that.
Okay, but imagine he has light speed travel sciences that have discovered 55 planets that could be Earth-like. Could be Earth-like.
Where? How far? Who the fuck knows? My point is, say you're zooming through space. I'm you and I are an alien us three are in the fucking ship we're going at light speed can I drive? even in space Asians that's why I wanted might hit a planet I threw a fucking because you threw me the last joke I threw you a joke can you imagine the suicide joke thank you you're welcome and thank you can you imagine by the way we get into a car accident in space and I'm like, Bobby, it's infinite.
How did you hit something? I just, you know what I mean? It's just hard to fucking, you know what I mean? Park with this. Power steering is tough.
I get it. The blind spot.
But say we're zooming through space. All of us are on the spaceship.
We're zooming along. Why is there three ships? Are we in one? We're together.
Yeah. Why did you do three ships? No, that's stuff zooming by us.
Oh, I see. We're in the ship.
Those are planets we're zooming by. Okay.
Okay. And then as we're zooming and I go, where would you guys like to stop? By the way, just to remind you, water is the only thing that kills us.
There are billions and billions of places to stop. Which one would you like to stop at? Well, the only planet that we know that we could live on with the same atmosphere as ours is Earth.
So let's fucking go there. Aye, but it has too much water.
Yeah, but our planet has 90% water. What do you say, Glorb? Hey, have you guys checked out this Bad Friends podcast? It's awesome, and these guys are on Earth.
That's why they came. You think they came here for us? I think so.
It was a good movie, though. It was a good movie.
I really liked it. I know, but I didn't like the catch.
I didn't like water. Oh, that's true.
I didn't like water. What would you like better? What kills them? Yeah.
I don't know, but Mnob Shamalamp, you should have caught up with something else. What about air? They also couldn't open doors.
Hey, what the fuck? They got here in a fucking spaceship? They couldn't open a door? Yeah, suspension of disbelief, man. I know the hint.
I, I, I, I, I, I, I. Like, you were watching, they were like, oh, you can't get out of the cupboard.
Okay, yeah, they can't. But why? No.
they have fingers Because he chopped one of them off

Yes

So I don't get it

They have claws

They had claws

So could the hook

Not open a door?

I don't know

My dog can't open a door

Your dog doesn't die from water

How about this

Google

And I've said this before

I'll tell you the worst part

Of Sines that I hate

Because I've seen the movie

A thousand times

Yeah

They board up the house

Yes I remember Remember They know the aliens are attacking. What do they hear first? Their dog dying.
Yeah, the dog. You left the dog out there? Who left Scruffy out there? Are you on your mind? The one guy you would get first.
I'd get my dog before anybody else. Anyone else? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean.

Dog can't open doors.

You gotta get the dog.

My thing would be, Uncle Frank's out there.

Leave him.

Yeah, leave him.

We got fucking Scruffy.

You like Superman when his dad goes to save the dog and then he dies?

You like that choice?

Yes.

What?

With Superman?

In Superman, he's saying.

With Superman?

With Christopher Reeves?

No, Kevin Costner.

Costner, yeah. He's saying his dad goes to save the dog, sacrifices himself to try to save the dog.
And he's saying that's the choice that you make and I say 100%. Yeah, 100%.
100%. How about you? Absolutely not.
Do you have a dog at home? Yeah. No, you don't.
You don't love him. You have a dog at home.
Do you love him? Yes. No, he thought about it.
You don't love your dog. You piece of shit.
You thought about it. You piece of shit.
What's your dog's name? What's your dog's name? Riley. Riley.
Does Riley sleep with you? No. Where does his dog sleep? Yeah, where? Her bed.
Where's her bed? Outside? Paige. Fucking piece of shit.
Not bad, Paige. Paige.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.
He has a Tempur-Pedic bed.

What?

This is because your wife did that.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you would have left the dog outside.

Yeah, your wife would have died.

Saving the dog.

Not you.

You piece of shit.

You know what, dude?

What?

When it all comes down.

What?

The wife and the dog and the baby now are going to need someone to take care of them

because this guy, he's running for the fucking hills.

Yeah.

When it gets bad, he's out of there,'m gonna slide in there i always wanted a family yeah i'll have your family dude okay uncle papa tito yeah dude that i cannot believe you wouldn't say that you'd fuck off the dog yeah how about you carlos would you sacrifice your life for a dog for a dog yeah yeah because you're not you don't know if you're sacrificing your life. You're trying to save both of yourselves.
But the assumption would be I might die and that's okay. Yeah, but it's like I have to.
It's instinct. Gotta.
Right? I have to do it. That's what happened when you made fun of me.
Remember when the earthquake thing and my dog and I busted my fucking head? Do you remember that? And I went to the ER. What? What? You don't remember this? You made fun of me for like six months.
That was foolish. No.
Yeah, that was foolish. I got up really fast during the earthquake because I heard something break in the front of the house.
So I ran because the dog was sleeping in the front room. Oh.
And I thought, dude, my irrational brain woke up and I was like not thinking clearly. And I heard the big break and I thought, what if the dog got hurt or something happened or it's trapped because one of our old lamps fell uh on the old ceiling fan that we used to have shattered and she was stuck in that fucking room so it gives me it gave me panic oh wow so i ran out there and when i ran out there the blood rush to my head because i was so like intense about trying to go get her i sat down that's what he used to make fun of me i didn't know the dog.
That was why I freaked out. I'm sorry.
I sat down and I blacked out. My blood rush blacked me out and I smacked my fucking face on the sink counter.
You know what's fucked? You know what the doctor said? She was like, you are unbelievably lucky. She's like, you should have played the lottery.
You were a centimeter away from that corner hitting your fucking eye and losing an eye. Because I hit right here, dude.
It hit the corner of my eye. Imagine that.
She's like, you could have lost an eye. Imagine that.
And I would have done that for the dog. Fancy.
Yeah. I would have lost my eye for my dog and I would have been okay with it because you know what? I was worried that she was going to be hurt.
You will play a pirate in the movies. Are you fucking with me, pal? Play a good pirate, bud.
Check this out. Ahoy.
Ahoy, me matey. Yeah.
Anyway. Shiver me timbers.
Blow down my doors. Wait, why do we even talk about signs? Because we're talking about fucking aliens and zombies and stuff.
Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. You know this show.

You know this show.

It goes to aliens and zombies all the time.

I love aliens and zombies, man.

I'm going to miss you guys more than I think I should.

Have fun on your trip, man.

But I do hope that we can have some call-ins when you guys do another taping.

I can call in.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

I got some good guests lined up dude

they're already lined up

oh yeah

no you know that's not true

you're well aware

that that's not true

thank you for being

a bad friend

how am I fucking

that was the test

no you bring it out of me

it's so annoying

that's the test

no here's the test

how about shut up

you bitch

see what I mean

you ready to go

no we're putting that in. You're sticking that in.
That was the beginning. You're sticking that in.
Because people have to see. Yeah, they should.
Yeah, what that is. And that's called being an alpha male.
Yeah. That's being a bully.
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
That's being, I'm in the locker, right? Putting me in the locker. No, you two fat fit put in a locker.
That's the second one. Write Yeah That's being I'm in the locker right

Putting me in the locker

No you two fat

Put in a locker

That's the second one

Write that down dude

A meat locker

That's the second attack

That's the third

Yes

That's the third

A meat locker

That's where you'd fit

That's how the whites do it huh

Yeah

They gang up

Yeah we gang up

Yeah bitch

Yeah bitch