See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano

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Hey, Bad Friends, we are on tour. We keep adding cities as we go.
People are like, come here, come here, come here. We're trying.
We're figuring it out. But go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com to get those tickets.
We're going to be all over the country, baby, adding cities as we go. Go to badfriendspod.com to get those tickets we're gonna be all over the country baby adding cities as we go go to badfriendspod.com grab them tickets to see your boys on the road are we ready are we green lit okay i need to set my stuff up man i need to look good here it is oh you look good no but look how fat i am no but but but it's it's pop it's um it's i look like a dumpling from chinatown yeah no you look no it's me right now looking at this yeah look at it look at it see what it looks like let's see you yeah right there yeah you look like um buddha happy buddha no but you look like you're enjoying life you look like you're having a good time on this planet i wouldn't say say you're necessarily fat at all.
I would say you look like you probably have about 18 months left. Okay.
Yeah, that's rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You really? You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Yeah.
I mean, because I'm filling in for Santino, I thought I wanted to look like him. Okay, good, good, good.
So I got to just, you know, because I know he's in Australia now and who knows what. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I don't, because I want the people at home to, you know, not think that he's being replaced or anything. I want them to think that it I'm – Right, but you still have the bigger dick.
Than Andrew Santino? You think I have a bigger dick than Andrew Santino? Oh, my God. His is so small.
He does have a little red – Yeah, it's like pale. It's like one of those worms that you would see on the moon.
Right. Right? Because it's like it gets no sun and there's no like vitamins and nutrients in the soil.

Yeah.

The worm is just barely alive.

He looks like, his dick, I bet you looks like just a pale, like just like pale little unhealthy

grotesque thing that always looks like it's like looking in the sun.

That's why, what does he call his dick?

What?

Bobby Lee.

Okay.

That, I didn't know that I was going to come that way.

You know what I mean?

It went like this.

I was like, we're having a good time.

And then boom, right back to me.

You were at the big boy's house.

It was like a boomerang.

Oh, yeah. his dick what bobby lee okay that i didn't know that i was gonna come that way you know i mean it went like this i was like we're having a good time and then boom right back to me you were at the big boomerang oh is that what is that what new york does yes well the new york guys big boys okay ask dave king he knows right he's putting me in his next movie all right um so here's the deal um may i begin because it is still you know i mean my podcast kind of yeah well not for long well we'll see what yeah we'll see what happens yeah first of all i want to say um um thank you so much for your help today because you know andrew too he's you know he's hollywood santino is yeah oh you know you get it right yeah yeah i'm doing cena zach afron yeah you know he goes to these private like port country clubs with Bateman and all those guys.
Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And they, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they do.
Yeah. Right? Yeah, no, he's Scientologist.
These are tambourines, by the way. Yeah.
These aren't dicks. He, Andy Santino, who I'm playing the part of today, is a known Scientologist.
And I have text messages to prove that. 100%.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's so funny because he had a briefcase once, one of those old briefcases and one of the latches were broken, right? And he was kind of in a rush to get it and it fell, Dianetics, right? And then a little orb, right? Right. And I touched it, right? And the Zinu appeared.
Whoa. Fuck yeah.

I got so scared.

So scared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, right?

David Miscavige came out of nowhere.

Oh my God.

Right, grabbed the shit.

Yeah.

Got in a limo and just drove off.

Just drove off.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me tell you something.

Here's what's going to happen for the time on this podcast.

Because I'm going to be Andrew Santino, but I'm going to be a little bit different.

And the key difference is, guess what?

I'm going to be the Andrew Santino who isn't mean to you. I'm going to be the Andrew Santino who's nice to you.
And who doesn't have a compilation of him yelling at you on the podcast, which I don't support. I'm going to be nice to Bobby Lee.
Yeah. Well, can I just say this? Yes.
Is you don't have the ability to do it even if you wanted to. Because I don't have that in me.
You're a softie.

I'm a softie and he's mean.

Yeah.

You're gay.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I am.

Gay.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're sensitive.

And, you know, like, you know, we were talking about playing the Hogwarts Legacy.

You wouldn't even be able to handle that.

No, I don't even know what that is.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I don't even know what that is.

When I hear warts, I start looking at my penis.

I bet you money any Harry Potter movie scares you. you any Voldemort oh right yeah right i don't know the only thing i know about harry potter is i went on i went on the ride i went on his ride once in disney world yeah you closed your eyes probably close my eyes yeah yeah i closed my eyes on that on that on that thing on the on the ride and i was literally and and and and yeah anything with harry potter to me

and my family is gay that's what i tell my kids yeah yeah let me ask you about harry potter do you know anything about it be real okay what i know this name me all four houses you could do that okay the only thing i know about harry potter is i have my my views align very well with its author.

That's what I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what i know yeah yeah yeah that's what i know it's so funny yeah yeah it's good it's good it's good yeah no i don't know i couldn't tell you one of the harry potter houses i don't know i know that it's uh not daniel craig what's the lead's name daniel uh radcliffe radcliffe who i know he got naked and did a uh a play i think the vagina monologues I know that I know I know the girl who was uh who was Belle from uh from the Beauty and the Boost movie that I watched my kids is in the movie the Boost Beauty and the Beast yeah yeah Beauty and the Beast she's fucking hot that girl oh yeah yeah and then I think uh not in Harry Potter no not in Harry Potter yeah yeah yeah but no when she's got way way older yeah well way over 18 way way yeah yeah yeah and then so and so i know about that but i i gotta be honest with you i have not seen i don't think one second you so you couldn't you couldn't name any of the houses even uh house of uh is voltimore in uh harry potter yeah voldemort voldemort yeah that's not a house but it's not a house it's a guy i honestly dude i couldn't name you i could not even a character i couldn't i know harry potter that's it i don't know because that's in the fucking and the hogwarts it's which is a school that's good okay that's a win but i learned that from the ride oh i see you got on the ride i got it probably said yeah yeah yeah so i know i'm not a harry potter what are you guys big harry potter fans well i you know i number one i'm an american citizen right right number two

yeah number two i have eyes okay right and i'm i just simple cultural things i know right i think

that harry potter is a cultural thing that people should have like kind of a it's like when you know

i met this girl on hinge and she goes what are the beatles what yeah if that's what harry when

you say i don't know anything about harry potter that's what it feels like what are the beatles see you like any how about this you don't like any i feel like you're not a fantasy guy no no like um like i literally like uh to prepare uh to prepare for this show because i was going to do a show with you, watched everything anywhere all the time you know that big movie i watched that to prepare because i was like let me get you know bobby want to speak about you would think that that would why that movie because it's the most relevant one yeah because yeah there's so many other movies you could have watched it's the asian one yeah yeah and i thought you should start with thought— You should have started with Kung Fu Panda. Right.
That's a good one. Kung Fu Panda's good.
It's a very good one. Crazy Rich Asians.
No, you even go back. Oh.
You could have even gone back. Mulan.
Yeah, you could have gone— Yeah, Mulan. Mulan is one of my favorite ones.
I can't believe Ronnie Chang wasn't in Mulan. Yeah, Kung Fu you could have done, the TV show.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one.
David Carradine. Yes.
I mean, he was— My favorite. I like David Caruso better.
You do? Yeah. Why? Didn't he even the one who auto-erotic asphyxiated himself? Yeah, David Carradine was.
David Carradine was. Sorry.
I apologize. I was blinded by Carlos's head.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, Carradine.
Yeah. Yeah, Carradine did it.
Wow. He tied him.
You know what I mean? Do you think you could kill yourself? You think that's a martial art? Autorotic asphyxiation?

You think that's like a move?

I think it's a talent.

I do think it's a move.

And I think that, you know, my kids are in jujitsu.

I'm hoping, I'm wondering when that lesson is.

Yeah.

That's the one I'll go to.

You think that when the door opens, he goes, hi-yah!

You know what I mean?

And that's when you come?

Yeah, that's when you come.

Hi-yah!

Yeah, you come.

Yeah, yeah.

And some guy gives you like a stripe on your belt.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that, yeah, autorotic asphyxiation. Let's try it.
You want to try it? Not now. No, you ready for this? I really want to try it with you.
I'm on my new blood pressure medicine, shout out Losartan, and it's doing its trick, 50 milligrams, but not as horny, and I don't get, I'm not waking up with morning wood. It's actually causing some issues in the relationship.
Omolodipine?

Oh, Losartan.

Okay, I take omolodipine.

What's your BP?

What does that mean?

Blood pressure.

Bad.

Still even on the meds?

No, on the meds, it's okay.

Right, but do you ever forget to take the meds or you take them religiously?

I ran out.

Dude, you're telling me-

Like seven months ago.

You're like, oh, you're like, oh-

I take it.

You're like, oh, sorry, I've had a 48-hour stomach virus.

I'm like, no, dude, I think you're having stroke symptoms. Yeah, yeah, symptoms.
I think that's what it is. Oh, yeah, I want to announce to everybody.
So did I already say it in front of everyone? I had a 48-hour virus. I'm here in New York shooting the Sex and the City show.
I rapped late, and then I came to the hotel. I don't want to say it was the hotel.
I don't know where I got it. But I shat for a long time and then my dick smells weird.
It really does. It smells so weird.
Because I think the poo, because when you have diarrhea that long, you forget to wipe. It sucks, yeah.
You know what I mean? And everything just, you know. I feel bad for the prostitute that got that on her chest when she came over.
Yeah, don't,. It was me.
It was my cousin. But my point is, so then today I woke up and I had my first meal in two or three days.
What was it? I had a BTS. BLT? BLT.
No, BTS is the Korean pop-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I ate that one time too. Yeah.
It was delicious. Yummy,? BLT.
Oh, no, BTS is the Korean pop group. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was, yeah.

I had to eat that one time too.

Yeah.

And it was delicious.

Yummy, yum.

Yeah, in Korea.

I got it in Korea.

I think that, well, I'm happy that you're better

and then you have your first meal.

Well, no, because I feel, no,

because I don't feel fully like,

you know what I mean, comedy ready.

Right.

You know what I mean?

So, you know, when you came in,

I'm like, I'm glad it's you

because you're so good.

You know what I mean?

You have a gigantic pimple on your nose too.'s that from man man it sucks that you wouldn't even bring that up but yeah no i thought it was because you missed santino you just wanted to make your nose beat right so you can at least see something yeah man there was because for two days i didn't even wash my face and i woke up like with this thing on my nose but here's the good thing about being being Korean as we speak about this is even though you haven't bathed, Koreans don't have it. They have a gene that makes them smell less.
You don't smell. In the pits, I don't.
It's impossible. So you could say whatever you want.
You want to smell my dick? I'll smell your dick. Really? Dude, it does smell like shit.
Yeah. Oh my i haven't taken a shower in three days his penis literally it fucking stinks oh no it doesn't no it doesn't i put cologne on it no no no it smells good no yeah don't do that bad no it's that was a trick dude that was from hogwarts dude yeah that's from the game dude i learned that from the game bro it's pretty good what you said the size yeah thank you the lord savior for being like soft whatever soft dick it's not bad bro let me can i can may i defend myself real quick by the by may i right for the public right i've been single for what six months right this is the honest truth okay what's your name what's your name again man wolf wolf hear me out you know because you're the only one that doesn't know me here right you know when you look at me wolf right look at me wolf right you and i know you're not you know you're not gay or another i get it right you're mad, all that stuff.
But when you look at a guy like me, right,

you would make an assumption that I had a small penis.

Be real.

I wouldn't.

You wouldn't?

You wouldn't have any opinion probably.

No opinion.

Okay.

But you would.

How old are you?

29.

He doesn't even see gender, 29-year-old.

So he wouldn't even think about that.

Oh, you're thinking I'm a they.

Oh, I get it. You dress like a they.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad.
My bad, dude. I didn't know.
Wolf. But Wolf, I will tell you from firsthand account, he does have an above average size penis bar.
So the women that have seen it since I've been single this time, right, they've all remarked, what a surprise. And I think, honestly.
I agree. And I think that's better going in like that yeah because if I was a if I was Wolf right right who happens to be a black guy can I say that sure right if I was Wolf and Wolf had my size penis it would be a disappointment it would be a problem it would be a problem, right, is I think I'm winning.
Yeah, Wolf, I would say if there was a contest and I would say whose dick is bigger, Wolf's or Bobby's, I would not think you. But after seeing your penis, I think you could be within striking distance of Wolf.
Thank you so much. Yeah.
You know, I'll take that as a win. Speaking of Wolf's.
Yeah, go ahead. I've seen Twilight.ry potter's but i've seen twilight team edward team jacob okay why because that's stuff that my daughter and uh my girlfriend want to watch but they don't want to watch harry potter harry potter my stepson wants to watch and he's you know not my you know we're we're we're connected because he's my stepson but i don't watch the kind of stuff he wants to watch.
I only watch my biological children. Okay.
That's fair. I'm kidding.
I love my stepson. I know, but if you wanted to watch – so he's asked, Daddy.
Yeah. Daddy, can you watch Harry Partridge with me? Yes.
Harry Partridge, yeah. Well, he's the one that wants to watch – How old is he? Does he talk like that? Twelve.
Twelve. Yeah, he talks like that yeah daddy he has down syndrome daddy no that's not rude this is what white 12 year old kids I did the fucking I'm a sketch guy you are a sketch guy I've always been sketching for 8 years I've done the research yeah right and I know about right on television not this shit that people do on YouTube well he thinks you're Bowen Yang Well, he thinks you're Bowen Yang.
No.

What?

He thinks you're Bowen Yang.

I'm not Bowen Yang, right?

I was before him.

But that was another good one.

Thank you.

Yeah, but my point is that, so I've done my research, so this is.

Daddy.

Right?

What a body witness.

What would you say?

To him, what I would say, I would say, I would say, hold on. Well of all yeah i would i would remove my penis from his mom's mouth and i'd say oh i see yes and i would say i told you to fucking knock when i'm in here with you my dog a salad do i mean yeah yeah i'd say what do you want to watch harry potter i harry potter i would say i would say okay fine you can watch it after i watch the game Now go get me a beer That's what I'd say Oh the game The game Right I would say you watch We're watching the game first Because this is my house Okay If you don't like it You can go live with Your own fucking family Go Patriot No Is that what he would say? No Well he would say that And then he'd get a smack Just like his mother Oh then he would say Let me guess Yeah.
What's New York? New York. Jets.
He'd get another fucking smack. Ow.
I get it wrong every time. Just like his mother.
Ow. Okay, okay.
Go Yankees. Yeah.
Then I would say, okay, good. Oh, thank you for not hitting me, daddy.
Yeah. He hit his face again.
Yeah. Because he hurts so bad.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, what else? Oh, I know. The New York Red Bulls.
Hit me. Hit me, daddy.
Red Bulls. And he's jerking off.
Yeah, he's jerking off right there. No, and by the way, I would never hit my kid.
And he would never jerk off. And this is just a sketch.
I would never hit my kid. This is just a fucking sketch.
I would never hit my kid. I would never hit my girlfriend.
I would never make my stepchild watch me get a blowjob from his mother. I'm impersonating Andrew Santino.
Those are things he would do. He would 100% do it.
And those are always playing by Scientology rules. Playing by Scientology rules.
Yeah, but he wouldn't be on medication. That's what it is.
Yeah, no, I made my stepson watch Cheeseburger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it's funny, Chris. What's going on?

Carlos is shocking every time I see him, by the way.

He doesn't look like,

he's from this era.

He literally...

What era does he look like?

Carlos, honestly,

he looks like a woman

from the future.

I was going to do the past.

Like Galileo.

No, this is what the future's going to...

This is what's happening now

with Jen.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a future woman. This is a future woman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlos is a woman.
Look, King wrote, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is a future woman. This is a future woman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, King wrote it down again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good premise.
Yeah. Woman from the future whose dick smells like diarrhea.
That's the movie. Yeah.
Yeah. We should do a movie.
She, 2086. Yes.
And it's Carlos is the star. You're the star.
And what happened? Now, does the woman that looks like that in the future, right? Well, look, because some people don't know. Let's just, oh, yeah, people know who you look like.
People know who Carlos looks like. Yeah, but just stand in front of the thing real quick.
Look, this is what a woman from the future looks like. This is the new movie.
Yeah, go ahead. Sit next to me.
This is the new movie. Yeah, 2000, she, 2086, right? Dude, it's, we both actually, me and you both look like women from the future.
Yeah, yeah. So let me ask you.
In the women from the future, right, is the vagina still the same shape and whatnot? No, because I think it's morphed over the time. It's having less and less children.
Nobody has kids right now. So it's – Oh, so it's harder to find? It's even harder to find.
Tighter. That's good.
It's calcified. It's more calcified.
Is it the hymen? Does the hymen grow back? And creates a wall? Where's this chain from? Is that Amazon? Oh, that's a Gucci chain. I like that.
Fucking idiot. How much? Big money? Like 900.
900 for that. I fucking like that, dude.
You got it from Italy? No. You know what it is? Not hard work.
Rich parents. Do you have rich parents? Good.
Nice, dude. Well, I'm also at work right now.
I flew i know thank you so much you flew over just to walk him we flew you here yeah the company flew you first class right no of course not yeah well here's here's the question i have can you get on screen or yeah come on get on screen where's wolf at wolf left wolf yeah yeah wolf because he's 29 he's a 29 old black. Yeah.
That's it. All right.
See, this is what happens if you give them time on, then they keep going. Yeah, I'm in the wild.
Now, see, Santino would never allow this to happen. He wouldn't let Paulus on screen.
No, I want him on. I want him on.
Yeah, yeah. Just for a second, though.
Wait a second. Is Fancy out then? Where's Fancy? Baby.
Had a baby? Yeah. I have texts to prove that Fancy's on Russia's side.
Fancy has taken Russia in this great war. This episode of Bad Friends is brought to you by BetterHelp.
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So maybe he has – maybe he knows Putin. I think he does.
Or maybe he has – is his wife Russian? No, she's a white girl from the South. Are you sure? By the way – She could be a sleeper agent.
With Fancy's hip and ass he has, also looks like a woman from the future. Fancy loves portos.
Dude, that's true, right? Right? He's got handles. He does have handles.
Yeah, yeah. Dude, if I was in prison with Fancy, dude, I would just grab the skin around it.
Yeah. And that's a lot of skin.
Yeah. And I would just yank it down onto my dick, dude.
Fancy, he's got a body like one of those guys, like he lost 300 pounds and never got the skin surgery, but he was never found to begin with. So he was just born with the DNA of a guy who lost all this weight, but he never had to lose it.

Right.

He would confuse Dr. No.
Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, he would walk in.
Dr. No is like, buddy, you need to get the skin removed.
He's like, I'm not one of those. Yeah.
Right. Oh, buddy, did you trick me? Yeah, yeah.
That's what Dr. No would do.
Do you love that show? No. That's the one.
600 pounds. 600 pounds.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that show.
I like that show but sometimes i feel like what happens now with television is is it makes people almost want to be fat just so they get on that show right like i think sometimes people like oh let me get to eight nine hundred pounds on my casting tape they see that i'm like a real fucking whale yeah you couldn't be like 150 and go i gotta get to 600 so you're like no you have to be like 400. If you were 400 pounds, I could see you're laying in bed like, you're 400, right? And you're watching TV and it's like, God, they just don't do shows about 400 pounds, right? And then your head clicks.
Right. And he goes, if I just ate three extra pizzas today, a day, I could get to the TV level.
Yeah. Right? And then that's the the thing i think there's somebody out there that does that right i think that there's somebody out there that would has has has tried to get on the show just that by overeating with the simple fact that i just want to get cast on that show that's what i think yeah by the way you haven't commented i lost weight and you didn't say anything.
You look great, Chris. Not only did you look great.

Honestly, when you walk into the fucking thing, I gasped.

Yeah.

I gasped because I went, oh, my God, here's a real star.

I'm being real.

Can you take the wig off now?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you commented about money.

You're a good looking guy.

Give me the wig.

Fuck the wig.

All right?

Now, you have good hair.

You like that? Dude, I'm telling you right now, dude. I'll be real real with you, dude.
I'll do this. You could be, I hate to say this, you could be the best looking male comic in show business right now.
What about Matt Reif? No. Hottie with a body.
He is hottie, right? But there's, he's suspect to me.

Got it.

Like if he's straight or gay?

No.

Are you cray cray?

No, what's suspect about him? Are you cray cray right now?

No, what's suspect about him?

Right?

Are you cray cray right now?

No, I'm Matt.

I'm Matt Wright with Keith Beckinsale.

I know what he does.

I know that if Matt, I got to fart. Do it.
Into the mic. Do it.
Nice. Thanks, dude.
Look here. I took a sexy pic for you too.
So could I say something about Matt Reif? Yeah. He's hot.
Fuck, dude. Holy shit, dude.
You can almost see my penis. I love it, dude.
You want me to put it up on the show? yeah put it on the show i'll text it to you let me see matt rife is somebody i look at him and i go oh i could beat him up but he's a boxer though it doesn't matter i feel like i can so he wouldn't be but you i just know you would defeat me right in a real you would never because your insides would go against it my point though because you're a good guy but i'm just saying if we didn't know each other yeah and i went in and i you know you know hoogly boogly your kids you know what i mean yeah you're saying i could get it to a level what does hoogly boogly mean who knows who knows because i would do this because i think because i think you know what the difference is because i think i know a little bit more about history than matt rife so my hate for asians is more than him. Because when you look back at history, you really want to hate the Asians.
Can we talk about that real quick? Yeah. Because, you know, I have a new stand-up joke about Oppenheimer.
Love him. Right.
Love him. He did a good thing.
Okay. Manhattan Project, he needed to do that because the Japanese were out of fucking control.
Yeah, so the joke is, you know what I mean, there's certain movies I can't be, can I just tell you the joke? Yeah. That I wrote, right? Let's do it.
So, you know, just some movies I can't be in, like Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan, it's a white movie. You know what I mean? The guy invented the atomic bomb, right, you know, Matt Damon, Robert Downey Jr.
And I said, I could be in Oppenon-ammer too, Hiroshima, right? That's a chikadro, right? I'll be on screen for five seconds, you know what I mean? Yeah. I have only one line, do you have a plane? You know what I mean? And that's the bit, right? And it's working really well.
That's a great joke. But when I tell the joke, though, I get angry.
And because it always fucking reminds me, because look at Pearl Harbor, dude. Yeah.
Right? They show that movie. Right.
Look at what they did. Right.
they were sleeping yeah emperor hirito no right yeah right and then check this out right what in return it's like the old russian um um not fable um thing that they say if you hit me with a feather i'll hit you back with a tank yeah right yeah they hit us back with 10. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. They hit us back with 10,000, I'm not Japanese, but they hit them back with 30,000 tanks.
Yeah. Kamikaze isn't a feather.
You think it was like the right? But do you understand that? Dave. Dave.
Dave. Dave's a Jew.
You're Jewish. Dave, as a Jew, I'm here to tell you.
I mean, Hitler didn't like Jews because of art class, right? Some Jewish kid in the class painted a better picture. You guys are more creative.
Hitler preserved all the art in World War II, by the way. Little known fact.
All right. Anyway, so let's argue that.
What the fuck, bro? Okay, so here's what happened. Yeah.
So I think people, too, you don't understand why the United States, they're why would Japanese hit the US? They had to because you know that – first of all, you're Korean. You know, if I was a Chinese person, which I'm not saying I'm not.
I'm United States. I was definitely made in China.
Yeah, yeah. But I am saying that Chinese people from the era of the 20s, 30s, and 40s, they have a lot of reasons to hate the Japanese.
You know, everybody talks about how bad, you know, white people are and the straight white male, and that's all in the news. The fucking Japanese, what they did to the Chinese is so much more barbaric.
What did they do to the Koreans? What they did to the Koreans? They would bayonet babies, light people on fire, all in the name of Manifest Destiny. My dad told me this story once.
Yeah. Because as a kid, I used to go, dad, all the white kids, you know, I mean, their parents tell them bedtime stories and you never do.

And I said it for like a year. Right.
And so one night I was like maybe 11, 10 years old. I was in bed.
And my dad walked in. He goes, he goes, story time.

Right. Like more like with a smile.
Yeah. I'm like, this is cool.
Right cool right yeah and he goes um you know in korean war way back you know when japanese oppressed okay they take korean they take and they tie them with a rope upside down and i go okay and they take a gigantic you know big you boiling water, you know, and they hang a tree, you know, sometimes building a tree, right? And they dunk, you know, Korean upside down into boiling water. So many times, layer of skin.
They go, they scream, ah! He would do the movement. Ah! Right, right? And I remember going, okay, thank you, goodnight.
You know, like I didn't want him to finish to finish right yeah but like that's the kind of shit they used to do yeah yeah yeah that was they were and so the japanese atrocities but it's not it's one guy right yeah did you take off your hair to show that you're more japanese now because you you just busted out samurai ponytail in the back you went from korean japanese you know i'm 10 japanese are you 10 japanese yeah i did it at the uh the 23 and me so more okay well probably because it was raped into you that's probably what it was like no seriously they probably being real they came and raped it oh they raped it in me the 1930s japanese the 1930s japanese can go fuck themselves the 1930s japanese deserve the nuke not and not the not the civilians but the 1930s japanese soldiers oh the ones that are cool. The 1940s Japanese soldiers deserve, oh yeah, now the fucking Japanese.
Pokemon, Godzilla, Godzilla, Hello Kitty. Yeah, all of them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know what I mean? Nice, nice proportion.
The best feed Japanese. The candies? Amazing.
And he dunked a little stick into the top end. Pokey, Pokey.
So delicious. I love a modern day Japanese, but back then.
Yeah, yeah. And that's why the United States, the atrocities were so bad in Nanking.
You know, they've heard of the rape of Nanking. You know, the rape of Nanking? No.
So, okay. Nanking, China, right? That sounds like a good restaurant to go to, the rape of Nanking, don't you think? Would you eat at a place called the rape of Nanking? 100%.
Yeah. It'd be delicious.
Yes. So Nanking, Nanking Cole.
Nanking was the, was the capital of China, called the Republic of China,ay-z and so nanking the japanese when they were invading china right before world war ii they said we got to invade china and they said we need to have a terror we need to put fear into the chinese people because they viewed the chinese as subhuman so they started they would end it to nanking they bayoneted the babies, raped the women, tortured the women, killed them, burned families alive

in front of the father,

all that stuff.

Horrific, horrific, horrific.

And then the United States

heard about that.

The whole world heard about that.

And they said,

we're done dealing with Japan.

Embargo.

No money for oil.

No money.

We're not helping them out

in any way, shape or form.

Because Japanese were like

manifest destiny.

Like we want to take over

all of Asia.

That shit is ours.

So then that's why

they bombed us, the Japanese.

Because they had,

we stopped giving them money

to fuel their war machine

and oil to fuel their war machine.

So they hit Pearl Harbor

I'm going to do one on your hair. I think you're're right but what bothers me about it is because the people that died though right did not literally have nothing to do with it zero that's the government it's emperor hereto they worship him as a sun god right yeah and it's like all these people babies people what's it why are you smiling you piece of shit because of the sun god thing laugh.
Yeah. What? That's what they said, sun god.
Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy.
The sun god would have a $900 Gucci chain. That's true, right? This is the sun god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think because of how rich he grew up and privileged life he has, that was God's way to balance out.
I said, I'm not going to grow any hair in the middle of your head for your whole life. You can only grow on the sides.
Wolf is disturbed. Even Wolf sisters right yeah do they have the same yeah they have hair they do yeah are you sure i've yeah i saw i mean is it like if i look at their head in the sun when i see gaps no no no they have actual hair yeah honestly this he has the type of hair that looks like he was born in the outskirts of Hiroshima.
Right, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah.
Is your pubes fully there? Yeah, yeah. I'm good everywhere else.
I grow a beard. Yeah.
What I like about Carlos is the commitment to this because much like Stavros, when Stavros will come out and have hair only, you know, no hair in the middle and a gap in the tooth, beautiful, beautiful women are like confident, confident. And Carlos, beautiful.
Are you gay?

No.

Okay.

Allegedly, beautiful, beautiful women.

Yeah.

Beautiful women, I bet you come up to Carlos and they're like, because they're confident.

Confident, confident.

Because you pull off that look, it is very, very difficult.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he has the beautiful hair in the back, but it's just in the middle.

That's crazy.

Yeah, that's good.

When did you start losing it?

Oh, like when I was 20.

Right.

Yeah, I'm 35 now.

It looks, I'm telling you, I don't know if you had a full head of hair.

I don't know if you had a full head of hair. I don't know if you'd be as handsome.
I think you're better off this way. I like it more.
Was the drug addiction because of the hair? No. I wasn't addicted to drugs because I was sad about my hair.
See, that was gay. I don't know.
I was asking. Can we replay that? No, I wasn't addicted to drugs.
No, you could have been like 17 and like you saw a clump came out. I want to get on fentanyl.
No, my dad's bald and I knew it was coming. Oh, you knew it was coming.
I just didn't know it would show up so quick. No, but the thing is.
It comes from your mom's side though, no? That's what they say. Nail pattern baldness comes from the mom's side.
Yeah, yeah. That's what they say.
Yeah, I mean, I just saw my dad being bald and I was like, I assumed I would be. No, dude, it looks, it really does like you does like you really do look really good like that and you pull off and it's interesting because when you put the hat on it's like oh look this flowing hair and then boom cancer yeah i mean i've mentioned this before i used to work at a coffee shop with this midget a dwarf little person right he's all three whatever he's all three they don't mind the yeah yeah midget dwarf don't mind.
Major dwarf little person. You know what I mean? Yeah.
They love it all. Hobbit.
That I've seen. Right.
But he, I worked with him back in the early 90s. Oh.
At a coffee shop. They had rights.
Did they even have rights back then? No, you could step on them. You could do anything.
Okay. Whatever you want.
Sometimes you would put them in the coffee grinder. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like lean on them.
Yeah. You know what I mean? They hated it.
You know what I mean? Yeah, but you had to deal with it. You could use them as a, you know, but no rights back then.
But this kid had tattoos, though. Okay.
And he had a gold tooth. Whoa.
Right? So he was one of those. Nice.
Wow, magical. What? He was, like, magical almost.
Yeah, and he was, like, aggro. What the fuck are you looking at, man? You know what I mean? Like one of those guys.
And he always had the hottest chicks I've ever seen. Confidence.
And one day, you know, because he was only an inch shorter than me. Right? So I would kind of look at him like this, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
And go, I think, yeah. But yeah, I'm Asian.

But my point is that how come, you know, you get so many women?

He used to call me Lee.

Lee?

You're right.

You're one of those guys, you know what I mean?

I've seen you around, man.

You don't even try.

You're scared.

You know what I mean?

I go to a bat a hundred times.

I strike out 98 times. And sometimes I'll hit two.
You don't strike. Wow.
And I still never strike after that lecture. I still didn't do it, but I got it.
I realized why. What's the reason? Because I never, I was too scared.
Oh, but why did you not even try though? Like, what's the reason? Because I'm not willing to get rejected 98 times. Right.
But that's, but that pain. But why did you pick a life in comedy then? It's our whole life is rejection.
That's a different kind of rejection. You think that a woman, you being rejected from a role or something like that is different because comedy rejection, I always felt that with society.
I got, how could it get, be worse than what society is doing? Right. Right? So, you know, I always viewed stand-up as a war.
Me versus the audience. And I'm going to win.
The military veterans right now are agreeing with you. Thank you.
The ones who are sitting there, you know, somebody has a torso is listening to Bad Friends right now. Comedy is war.
Like they're fucking using a straw to fucking,

they're blowing into a straw

to fucking

All right,

you're right.

I should have used

a different analogy.

No,

but I like it.

Okay,

okay.

My point is,

is that,

but being rejected

by a woman

is a different kind of pain

and now I'm okay with it.

I'm fine with it.

Yeah.

I throw it out all the time

and I don't care.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

who cares?

I mean,

at this point,

what the hell's the difference?

There's no difference. You're 50 years old, but we've been rejected.
You're going to find a woman in your dreams. Can I go back to the China though? Yeah.
And this is more of a historical thing. Please.
I had read somewhere that it was the Chinese hundreds of years ago that were the first people to invent gunpowder. Yeah, that is true.
Right? So they could have... And pasta.
And pasta. Yeah.
So they could have had, you know what I mean, guns and spaghetti way before- Way before the mafia. The Italians and the mafia, right? Yeah.
And my point is, is that if they would have developed that, the gunpowder into guns, because the Europeans took the gunpowder and they made these weapons and that's why they took over the world. Yeah.

Right?

But why didn't the Chinese do that? I think because at that time the Chinese – some of the stuff I read was that they knew the power behind it and they wanted to leave it. But where the Europeans said, we know the power behind it.
We're going to make like Oppenheimer. Yeah.
Isn't that interesting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you think it's religious-based? Because the Chinese are Eastern religions like Buddha, you know what I mean? Sure, peaceful people.
Peaceful people, this and that. Not Taiwan, we'll see.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
But the Christians are more like, you know what I mean, crusades, you know what I mean? We'll make you believe, you know? Yeah. It's interesting, man.
I think because with Christianity, I think that the fundamental difference is, I don't think in Buddhism and the Eastern religions, I don't think they place such an emphasis on what happens here on earth, on where you get placed in the afterlife. I think it's like spiritual ancestors, where with Christianity, they're so worried about where they're going to be placed in the afterlife.
So their actions here on earth get dictated by that. That's what I think one of the, that's why I think Christianity, the guilt, the anxiety, the, you know, at one point, you know, the fucking being like, you better be a Christian or else I'm not, if I don't convert as many Christians, I'm going to go to hell for it.
All that stuff is, they believe placement here. But don't you, isn't murderous sins? Listen, people at different times in history, you can convince anybody of anything.
I mean, you know, Russia just wants to land in the Ukraine. But they're saying all these – they're calling Ukrainian Nazis and this and that, which may or may not be true.
Well, Nazis are bad. They're just taking the land.
You know, there was one – here's the thing. What? Nazis were bad.
Fuck the Nazis. But do you know there was a Nazi? Okay.
There was a Nazi who actually tried to – In Nanking. Oh, nanking tried to help your people in nanking when the japanese were executing all the people of nanking the there was a nazi his name was john and he that was his name what's his last name i forgot bar maybe his name was roseanne's father john john bar okay yeah i'm with it yeah yeah john wanted john the nazi wanted to help the Chinese citizens flee Nanking.

And he went up to Hitler and said, can we organize help?

And Hitler said no.

Hitler said –

He didn't like Chinese.

He said, well, no.

Hitler was like, I want them all dead because Hitler was – he was like, they don't have enough art for me.

Hitler didn't like the Chinese art.

The ceramics.

I love it.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm not pro-Hitler at all. I'm just Yeah.
Well, wait, wait. So let me ask you about Hitler.
Cause obviously you know a lot. Sure.
Right. So he didn't like the Chinese either.
He didn't like anybody who wasn't Aryan, who wasn't, who wasn't, he specifically said, I want the entire race of people to have blonde hair and blue eyes when he didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes. That's so wild.
Yeah. Had he ever even met a black person? I don't think he ever met.
If he met one, I think he'd like him. Sure.
He probably met one. Like if he met Wolf? Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean? He would be like, this guy's got the big penis. Bigger than Bobby Lee.
Well, no, you would have to hide it. I think they would be threatened by that yeah hide the dick wolf you don't have to hide the dick I would tuck it yeah right and I would you know I would just say it no man because I know I say I ruin the fucking room.
Why? you won't bobby it's your show oh now what is um what is going on here with this podcast is it what do you think do you think bad friends are we coming to the end is it going to go for another 10 years is it going to blow up is it going to be oppenheimer what do we think hello fresh hello fresh you're going to get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep.

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Morgan and Morgan, hey, have you been in an accident? We all have. I've been hit multiple times.
I got hit in my own neighborhood by a woman who was looking right at us. And I got to tell you, it's a huge bummer.
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Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash badfriends or dial pound law.'s pound five to nine from your cell phone that's for f-o-r the people.com slash bad friends or pound law that's pound five to nine from your cell let me look can i ask you this question why are you asking because i want because i feel like you're asking me this because you want to do something with andrew i want to do something no no no no i no believe it or not i'm not asking because of that i'm asking because it's similar because i want to do something with you are you being real with me right now yeah i want to do you and i would have a good one yeah yeah i want to do something with you yeah who else could be in there uh wolf wolf let me ask you something bud let's be real dude do you own here? No.
No, you're just an employee, right? Yeah. Right.
But check it out, dude. Right.
If you got to produce a Bobby Lee Chris fucking podcast, you would leave this company? No. What? Why? We could.
Why? We could pay. He's got sex.
Do you know how much money you would make with our fucking podcast do it i'm happy he doesn't want to do it bro hello fresh gives us real money oh my god i love to integrity yeah that's integrity integrity hitler would have killed him for that yeah no no that's it you would have died for that make no mistake the nazis they kill the artists and they kill the people like that with the integrity i hate integrity he can't be broken yeah i don't like unbroken he can't be

prone i want to break people oh yeah why are you so unbreakable you can't break them don't you hate do you like that or you think it's admirable his i think i think wolf is admirable because fahim anwar did that to me fahim anwar did what to you so i was on mad tv do you hear about this I was on Matt TV, right?

And Fahim Anwar was an open-miker, right?

An open-miker!

Right. to you so i was on mad tv do you hear about this i was on mad tv right and fahim anwar was an open miker right an open miker right you i saw an open mics and i was at mad tv and i go uh i wrote a sketch with um a couple of writers and i it was like um dave navarro was in it okay right and um it was like what you know was one mtv had those crib that crib show sure so i was gonna do a bobby lee crib show right and you know you go through my house and you open up and i go this is my Cloud, you know, it was when MTV had that crib show.
Sure. So I was going to do a Bobby Lee crib show, right? And, you know, you go through my house and you open up.
And I go, this is my collage. You open up.
And I wanted an Arab man, right? Like kind of with just wearing a, you know what I mean? Little head thing, making something. And just look up.
We don't even address it and just close it, right? Like making food or a bomb? No, I don't know. An Oppenheimer.
Yeah, I don't know what it was. You know what I mean? No, a stew or something.
That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah.
And he said, no, Fahim. So I walked up to him.
He was in open. I go, yeah, dude, it's like, it's SAG, you know what I mean? And you'll get paid like $1,500 because we're going to use it as a, you know what I mean, a guest star or whatever.
And he goes, no. I go, why? He goes, I don't want to play an air person.
He's like, Wolf. I like that.
Yeah. Now, Wolf.
He's one of those guys. The difference is Wolf would have did it.
No, he wouldn't have. You don't think Wolf would have did it? No, no, no, no.
You know what? I would have sucked dick for it. I would have sucked everyone's dick for it.
Even the fucking sound yeah i wouldn't even ask what you do you would he has a boom what do you do i'm a boom oh you have no power you know what my point is is that yeah i would like i'm that guy i think i'll do anything to make it right would you but now uh i would say a few years ago yes but that's what i think back then Yeah, now, but but but what now that you have made it in many ways what what do you feel is missing because i feel like you're a guy who you've careers become so successful but you push the goal post further and further away and you don't realize your success oh no no i'm already there you feel it you feel good about yourself now then no i i feel um uh-oh it just she broke it just no the matrix i'm not i'm not i'm being real because i don't know because i'm being real and i want to say the right thing right i feel like i have everything that i've ever wanted or needed, right? The future is bright. Why the fuck you say that, man? I'm just kidding.
Did you get a new maid, by the way? Or is it still Klyla's mom? Klyla's mom. It's still your maid? That's beautiful.
Because you're connected to her. It's a beautiful thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a control thing, I think.
Oh. From who? From you to, you want to have some sort of control still.
I need to know things. Yeah.
You want to be able to, you know what I mean, ask questions. Yeah.
You know what I mean? I mean, the other day I go to Kalilah, I go, hey, I want to come over to your new house and see the dogs. She goes, not today.
I go, why? Do you have a guy over? She's like, yeah. Oh, she just said yes.
And I go, okay. Does that hurt you? What guy? That's all I want to know.
So it does hurt you still. And could I say another thing? Yeah.
I would like to get this off of my chest. And you're not going to fucking believe this, David.
Right? Let me tell you another thing.'s on raya right we know okay you have seen her on there i know i've seen her on there too okay i've seen you on there and a guy you've seen me on there no no i deleted that account a guy that we've had on my that we're associated with right liked her on raya okay oh yeah went for him her right it's not good and now this guy has been texting me hey let's hang out but you know that he went in on raya you know he went for a raya yeah he doesn't know that you know i because he never texts me and it's been like two or three texts in a week right so i think I think he thinks he has a feeling. Right? So let's hang out.
Let's pot. You know what I mean? Let's get.
Let's hang. Right? And I'm like, yeah, let's do it.
Next time I'm back. You know what I mean? But.
You know. I know.
How did you know that he messaged on Raya? She told you? She showed me. She showed you.
She looked at who liked me. Got it.
Right? And there should be a rule, no? There no because dave if you and esther in the middle of this yeah dave if you and esther right broke off right there should just be rude that carlos can't like esther oh my god why are you putting me in that situation because you guys are all close that you would perturb you So this guy is like a Carlos in your life. Like he's close with you.

Yeah. you guys are all close that you would perturb you so this guy's like a carlos in your life like he's close with you yeah it was george kimmel dude that would laugh that was hilarious no no this person is like a guy that i'm a huge fan of oh shit yeah i'll tell you later i'll tell you later who it is so yeah i um i i you're not gonna believe it wolf i think uh yeah you're not gonna believe you might work for his podcast i i think that i think that my general rule yeah like even see mr dave king even though i haven't been any of his movies yet just even the simple fact being in the presence of him yeah if dave died tomorrow yeah in an accident esther was like the only thing that's going to make me feel better is to go on a date with Chris, I wouldn't do it.

Because even when I'm in a man's presence

and I know him to be with that woman,

of course, friends and family are off limits.

But even that, even Wolf's girlfriend,

I would not even come close to anybody's girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend, Wolf?

Yeah.

Dude, bro, look at us right now, dude. Bro, bro, bro, look at us right now dude if you die bro right we are not gonna fucking hit on your girl dude no matter how much you dude dude when koreans do this scout honor dude yeah hee-haw yes dude okie dokie okay dude that's what it is right let's do a thing whatever yeah what do we do you know i mean mean yeah i agree you too man dave we don't do right i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't hit on them i wouldn't hit on them it's not right but if they there's plenty of women out there okay but kind of with this though and there's even more women now because most of a lot of guys are going trance right so there's the most women i've ever been in history it's right now it's better right it's better because you have – not only do you have men's sperm count being altered by some type of, I think, conspiracy either from the Russians or the Chinese to infiltrate our water to make us more feminine because everybody I know is only having daughters.
So that's one more women there coming up. I love it.
For the last 25 years. I love it.
But more biological men are becoming female. So there's as many women as you can.
So there's no reason to hook up or even try to hook up with one of your friends girlfriends that is a power move yeah that is it's all coming from power and i think those people i think those people i would love for them to have been in nan king in december of 1937 thank you so much for that yeah i really appreciate that dude yeah and i never ever ever ever ever uh try to try to hit on She triedla she tried to hit on me and i rebuffed it i'm kidding interesting well you dude first of all i um i i i feel like i only see you like once or twice a year and every time i see you though every time i see you a be real every time be nice every time i see you yeah yeah you're you look like like a person to me that I think is going towards happy but not there yet. You're always struggling.
You know what I mean? But I don't believe you to be in a negative space or whatever. I believe you to be this guy is right on the fence and he's leaning happy.
So what is it going to take to push you into being happy? You know, you see all those people working those cobalt mines in Africa. Yeah.
Right. Thousands of people.
That's where we get our, you know, the battery from the cell phones. Yeah.
I appreciate the 5G. Thank you so much for doing it.
Thank you. Because we love it.
You know what I mean? And I know that you respect that we have the phones. Yeah, I'm going to get a Tesla as well, and I know Cobalt

goes into that. So without your

hard work, but my point is that

these kids, like five-year-old kids

are making $2 a day

and these just, what's so funny?

I'm not laughing.

See, every time there's a fucking,

every time we do a phone and there's a dwarf

or some fucking fucked up thing, you laugh

and you're trying to make me laugh.

And then the fucking people in line think that I'm fucking evil. But it's you fucking, you Mexican piece of shit.
Why do you laugh about the cobalt people fucking dying on the fucking field? Because I know you're leading to a joke. There's no joke.
There's no joke. I know you're mentioning cobalt people.
No, because I was watching cobalt today. You're gaslighting me.
I'm not. Because once I'm finished saying what I'm going to say right yeah you're going to realize there is no joke right and then who's the fucking sad one you are that because i assumed it was made assumption right today right i see these kids you know doing the kobold right right right and i'm like it just kind of dawned on me like because i was laying down playing you know hog You know what I mean? And I was doing my own kind of mining in it.
You know what I mean? What's so funny? What's so funny? You know what I mean? Because I was capturing beasts, right? And I got some puff skins, right? And you have to comb them and then feed them right and i was mining their fur right and on my phone i was like there's a difference there's a difference and my mining i'm in a good place yeah it's like r2 to mine yeah yeah it's not the same right and people live these terrible lives right and i live it's such a great life and you know, I've lived a life in the last 25 years that was magical. The last 25 years of my life has been storybook.
And I've complained through the whole thing. So what about the next 25? I've complained through the whole fucking thing.
Just bitching and moaning. My back hurt, you know what I mean? And if I look back, I go, wow, you had a storybook life.
Yeah. Right? And it keeps getting better.
Right? So my point being is that I feel like if there is a God, and if there is, I'm going to get there, and he's going to go, you bitch through the whole thing. You go downstairs.
No, you're not going to go to hell for that. I don't want to go downstairs.
You know what I mean? I want to go upstairs. I was going to make you wait gonna make you wait right purgatory what i think you go to purgatory oh what do you think i'm going there yeah you go there too though okay i'll tell you why you're going there too why because you want to tell me i'm going there you're telling i'm going there oh yeah let's stop it for like you don't want going down right yeah i said no i know it's something you do too and you do bad things and you do things things i know and i'm not gonna say anything because i want to edit it out right bad thing no you and i are similar in variable mail what you and i are very similar in many ways oh right yeah i'm gonna say this my friend right i think god's gonna say this right we're both going there so you you have another thing coming all right i'm sorry dave my you know him too right he does some want to go there? I think.
Shut your mouth. It's not a bad thing going to Purgatory.
Shut your fucking mouth. I love you, man.
I love you too. Thanks for coming to New York.
Yeah. To help us out.
Yeah. Right? But you know what I mean? I'm not going downstairs.
I'm not saying you're going to hell. I'm saying Purgatory.
So I think you have a good heart, but like we're in a little bit of trouble when we die. So you think that I'm going to be in the middle ground? It's gray.
Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
And I'm lost. In purgatory, I'm lost.
I think it's like an emptiness. Am I Asian? Am I still Korean? No, you're not.
I don't want to be Korean. No, you're just skin.
I want to be a spirit. You're just skin.
Oh, I'm just skin? Yeah. If I'm in fucking purgatory and there's a mirror and I'm like, I'm fucking still Korean.
I'm so mad. I'm not in a spirit form.
The only one 100% going to heaven? Wolf. Go to heaven.
Hell yeah. For sure, because he has ethics.
You can tell. He won't suck a dick to get a fucking TV job.
Here's the thing. Like me and Carlos? Here's the thing.
Is Dave going to heaven? Oh, yeah, for sure. Davis.
Well, no, the Jews don't go to heaven. They don't have an afterlife, right? They just go to the dirt.
That's what the Jews believe. There's no afterlife? No, you just go into the dirt.
Yeah. It's like – it's complicated, but pretty – but that's why it's kind of different.
Jews are just – when we're dying, we're done. We're in the dirt.
Life's over. I did not know about the Jews.
Catholics think they're wrong in that they're going to be up there anyway, or like in purgatory or whatever.

Again, what you're doing here on earth will say, if you don't go to confession, but it's

also, there's also BS because it's like Al Capone, according to Catholics, when is in

heaven right now, because he was absolved of his sins by a priest on his deathbed.

Yes.

I can see that.

I can see that.

So now it's like you go, so it doesn't make any sense to me.

But I think.

No, I believe that, you know, when, like, cause I heard Jeffrey Dahmer right before. These glasses.
Yeah, that was great. He died.
He got beaten to death. You know what I mean? In prison.
Yep. He turned his life over to Jesus Christ.
He might have. And now he's in heaven.
Supposedly. But imagine being.
What? I heard he's in heaven, yeah. Well, the rules.

Based on the rules.

I think you still go to purgatory if you get last rites.

Do Christians believe if you turn your will and your life over to Jesus Christ,

no matter at what time, 10 seconds before you die, right?

You go right to heaven.

Are you going to do that?

Right.

That's what I'm going to do.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Dahmer did it. Other people did it.
Good idea. Epstein did idea last time did it yeah yeah yeah where do you think you'll die when where oh shit that's a good one rikers island no he's not gonna go to jail yeah i'm not going to jail dude are you like you're very difficult you got another thing coming dude what are you talking about dude you're going to jail bitch what bitch yeah your behavior dude is un-fucking-godly dude that godly dude why do you think you go to jail oh like i just get caught buying drugs or something yeah yeah you do some shady shit i've been to jail man you're the one that shows me sites that i don't even want to see man you don't have to go to jail for drugs anymore i can say some stuff man all right yeah back up dude no you're right you're you're angelic right now you're right what you're acting angelic yeah like a good person.
Yeah, like you are angelic. What? Oh, you're saying that I'm – Dude, let me ask something.
You're pretending right now. You think I'm a seedy guy? Yeah.
I am. We're going with the good ball.
I'm going. And I'm going to be happy to see you in purgatory.
Oh, I'm going to say – I'm going to immediate fist bump when we're in purgatory. Oh, dude.
Right. Or like the spirit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do if when you get to purgatory,'s carlos but it's mixed he has hair on the top none on the sides what so it's like a mohawk yeah yeah but it's but he can't grow it out oh that's i would laugh so hard everything's what would i look like then you think you'd be bald because everything's reversed i think if yeah if everything's reversed no you would have you would have long hair coming out and then just just the just the samurai thing on the head all right that'd be really funny in the middle of your head that'd be cool dude yeah that'd be really cool yeah yeah yeah yeah but you having the knowledge and the wherewithal to say that you know that the last 25 years of your life have been great but yet you've complained makes me believe that you're a lot more grounded and a lot happier than you've ever been well the truth the truth of the matter is is that

i um you know i we've been really diving into aa and going to a lot of meetings and doing all that kind of stuff and i don't know what it is it's like i've never felt this um kind of desperation to really do the work when it comes to my sobriety

because I believe it's the key to a happier life. That's right.
I started my own meeting in LA. Yeah.
And I've never done that before. Out of all the years, I was so surprised.
I got the place. We went and bought the thing, the book and all the chips and all that stuff.
We rented the place out. You know what I mean? And we did all the things.
People showed up. And when I'm in LA, it's like, I can't wait to go to that meeting.
You know what I mean? And it's just like, I don't know. It's like, I feel like I'm giving back.
Right. You know what I mean? And I, you know, I think that's what life is about.
Let's be real. Cause we're here.
We talk about purgatory, you know what I mean? About our seedy behaviors and this and that. But at the end of the day, I think that life is about helping others.
Yeah. Is it not? I think getting out of ourselves.
The things that I think have changed in my mind is yes, life is about helping others, pushing, you know, what you can forward. And we're all connect.
I think all living things are connected. I used to be the guy that'd be like, I don't want to pet pets, get this animal away.
Like humans are the number one, but now I feel like we're all connected. Like the avatar, like the, yeah.
Like the spirit of a dog or something like that is connected. You know, you're, we're not that different from a pig.
You're right of numbers different on the DNA chain and then boom, you could have been a pig. What we're talking about is I think that, you know, you are just – I think that you're in the best place that I've seen you in a long time.
Even though you're just coming off a 48-hour stomach virus. Yeah, I felt sick.
Spiritually, you feel good.

Yeah, I feel, you know, it's funny.

Maybe it's because Andrew Santino is on the other side of the world.

And that's what it is.

And that's why I was asking before, how long do you think it'll go?

Because the truth is I am looking to start something with Andrew Santino.

Right here.

I want to take what I see what you guys have is I have a cold hard rule about never ever ever going near someone's girlfriend that does not apply to podcasts i want to steal and take what you have like a japanese took nan king i'm going to take it right and then really take it from your heart and i'll take your entire team as well, including Dave King. I'll be honest with you, dude.

Go for it.

I think we should end it.

Wow.

I think we should end it.

Right now.

You just spoke the truth.

Yeah, we do have a tour that we have to do.

Right.

And a big one.

A big tour. So we're going to finish the tour.

Yeah.

Finish the tour.

Let's make our money, right?

Yeah.

And then, you know, we'll address it afterwards, I guess.

That's what it is.

You know what I mean?

Or never address it like I did. Right.
Let me ask you something, man. You could do that pretty easy, huh? Just cut people out like that? Oh, yeah.
Cut throat. Yeah, yeah.
You've done that before? Yep. Yeah, yeah.
How's that feel in your soul? Don't feel anything. I don't feel...
No, you do. I think you do.
No, of course. You're a good dude.
No, yeah, I don't feel

no you do

I think you do

no of course

you're a good dude

no yeah I wouldn't

you don't

you ever want to hurt people

you don't

yeah yeah yeah

but yeah

no but it's one of those things

where if this podcast ever ended

I would start a podcast

with Santino immediately

the honest truth though

is you would start one

with him and not me

no I'd start one

with the both of you

you would do it three ways

I'd do what Sal did

I would start one with

Joe DeRosa and me

at the same time

oh wow

yeah yeah yeah Thank you. with him and not me no i'd start one with the both of you you would do a three-way i do what

sal did i would start one with joe de rosa and me at the same time oh wow yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i hate pranks pranks suck don't you hate pranks i don't like a prank at all i'm being real no because i if because it's pranks to me are sucker punches we're doing real comedy here do it to my face let Let's do it, give me your material I saw one the other day, right, on TikTok Right, this Mexican kid or whatever He takes one of those didgeridoo Or something, right, he has a thing that makes a noise Right, and he's at a Home Depot And there's this manly man, you know what I mean, picking out his Hammers, and this kid comes up behind him and blows this thing in this man's ear.

Scares the shit out of this man, right?

The man turns around, tackles him,

and this kid's going, please don't, please don't.

I'm telling you, it's just a prank, it's just a prank, right?

And in my head, I'm like, smash him!

Smash his skull into the ground, right?

Yeah.

He deserves it.

Yeah.

Right?

I hate him.

Yeah.

I never liked him when I'm watching them. Do you like them?

No, you deserve to get, you know, whatever's coming

to you. The Brazilian ones are good, though.

The scary ones they do

in Brazil? What do they do?

Oh, they fucking, people walk into

an elevator, right?

And the elevator stops

and there'll be a flick of the light. The light

will go out and a

little demonic girl will crawl through a little opening and then the lights will come out and there'll be a flick of the light. The light will go out and a little demonic girl

will crawl through a little opening

and then the lights will come out

and there'll be a demonic girl there.

And people will have these PTSD traumatic fucking-

And it's Brazilian pranks.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that.

If you take it to that level

where people need to do EMDR and therapy,

then that's pretty good.

That's worth it.

Yeah, that's worth it, right?

But like the American pranks though, I don't like it. They're whack a like a tiktok or a youtube thing it's stupid to me i don't need that now i listen guys i know you're trying to make a living right and make your living i know there's entertainment is entertainment and there are a lot of people that do like it by the way i was you know um i'm sorry um i I love you too.
I've known you for a long time and you've always been supportive of me. Well, I mean, we've said this before.
The reason why I like you so much is because, you know, I met you when my career was legitimately not going well. Right.
You know what I mean? I was like, you know, just reaching for straws really. You know what I mean? I was desperate.
Right. And I was in New York and I was on Opie when I think Anthony was gone.
Anthony was gone. And you were there.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And I had never met you before.
I never even knew you. Yeah.
And I remember doing the podcast with you. Or the radio show.
Yeah, serious radio show. Yeah.
Oh, this guy's good. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And then we had breakfast afterwards with Opie. And I just remember you being so nice to me and like complimentary.

Is that the right word?

Yes.

And we had also like this same kind of humor, I guess, in terms of quickness or whatever.

Right.

And I was just like, no, I really like this guy.

And you just stuck in my brain since then.

You know what I mean?

As a good dude, you know?

I appreciate it, baby.

I think too, that's why I was bringing it up because, you know, social media, what's helped me a lot getting off it is not seeing comments and not seeing any of that stuff because i made a decision like a hard decision to say if i don't know who you are like at all if i don't have if i've never personally met you if i don't know you in any capacity at all if i've ever been in the same room with you then i won't let your opinion of me you know sway me one way or another i won't let it if you tell me how great i am i won't let that get in. If you tell me how much I suck, I won't let your opinion of me, you know, sway me one way or another.
I won't let it. If you tell me how great I am, I won't let that get in.
If you tell me how much I suck, I won't let that get in. I'll listen to it from friends and people I know.
So because I, because you get involved in that where you start to then become the comedian that you don't want to become because you're listening. You know, somebody will make a comment on a YouTube or an Instagram and say something you're doing is not funny.
It's like the same guy that is at the Knicks game saying that the player on the Knicks sucks. It's like, no, the player on the Knicks, even if it's at the end of the bench is the best basketball player you've ever seen in your life.
Just like, you know, comedians doing it, how we do it, whether you think we're funny or not, it's like, there's not a chance in hell a person making comment on YouTube could ever even do half of what we're 10 times funny than them on their best day on our worst day, you know,'ve just kind of separated all that and because of all that i do feel like i've been the comic that i want to be and i appreciate you know when i hear my peers like you say you're doing good work there's two things i want to say yeah i thought you were doing like korean peace on no okay but i what i want to say is two things. Okay.
Okay. Number one, this shit lives in clips.
Right? So I used to go, if I was doing a podcast with somebody and it's not killing the whole time. Right.
I'd go, oh my God. Don't even put it out.
Eating it. Right? And now I don't care.
Yeah. Because they all live in clips.
And number two, right, messages that I get, because I'm single, right? So how do you get girls from direct messages? Because I can't look at it all because 50% of it's hatred. Sure.
So what I have to do is I have to skim through to find, you know what I mean? Yeah. Chicks through the thing, but quickly.
Right. Right? Because if I read any of of it because you could read the first five letter right if you tap on it you could read the whole thing but i'll read like you fucking gook unfunny right and i have to read through all that so i do it quickly so it's really hard so yeah but i think even that even that when i was single i think that even you know that you can get trapped in that trying to look for women and find that like who only know you from this way.
And if the, if, if the whole method of them trying to get with you is through your DM, then already it's, it's not what you want. Already you're like, I would keep that at arm's length now.
Yeah. How did you meet your wife? Huh? How'd you meet your wife? I met her at a bar.
I met her at a bar. At a comedy club? No, no, no, no.
She didn't know I was a comedian. But then she found out.
I'm saying, but I've been with her eight years now. We have children and all that.
Right, right, right. But I'm saying I don't have all the answers.
But I do feel since I've been off social media, my whole life has improved in a way. And I've said to myself, if I may not be commenting back to everyone, I realized I can't give my energy to complete strangers.

I do it on the stage and on the podcast.

This is when I give my energy to people I don't know.

I can't then give the energy to them also on social media and Facebook and YouTube.

I don't do that anymore.

And I feel like Korea has just been going up, up, up, like little by little,

the way it should be.

Like when you're losing weight, you can't lose 50 pounds.

But you're killing it

i mean your name comes up like in in on the west coast and people are can't even believe i know you

i'm the next matt rife no dude dang cook yes you're the next dang cook dad are you gonna come

to radio city in september will you be in new york doing sex in the city well what so in september

you're doing radio city september 22nd i'm doing be in New York doing Sex in the City? So in September

you're doing Radio City? September 22nd, I'm doing

Radio City Music Hall. Tickets to

What I would like to do

is just come to support.

I would need backstage passes.

Sure. Right? Yeah.

I'm not going to go in the audience. No.

That's ridiculous. Yeah.
Right?

I'm going to be in line like, oh, I'm going to

hear and see Chris DiSofano. Yeah.

Right? I'm not doing that. Right? I need the pass.

Right. I need an to be in line like, oh, I'm going to hear and see Chris DiSofano.
Yeah. Right? I'm not doing that.
Right? I need the pass. Right.
I need an extra pass for some girl that I'm bringing. Yeah.
To get clout. Right? Mm-hmm.
And Fruit Bowl. What's the biggest venue you ever did? Don't tease me, dude.
No, no, no. What do you mean? No, because— Sacramento Punchline.
No, because— – because when I met you, I remember you doing Gotham. You had all the shows sold out, Killing.
But then it changed like the last few years. Now you do the big theaters.
No, I don't. I do the comedy clubs every other comic does.
Why don't you do the big theaters? Do you not want to? That's what we're starting with the fucking Bad Friends thing to, to see how that's going to go. No, but you personally, like Santino, I don't know how to do it.
What do you mean you don't know how to do it? You've been in the game so long. No, they call me that.
You want to do clubs? No. You want to do the Punchline Sacramento? I'm like, all right.
Oh. For me, it's this, okay? I don't know how to do it.
But yes, you do. How? You have a powerful agent, and you have a fan base.
Right. So what I'm going to do it but you and also yes you do how you have a powerful agent and you have a fan base right so what i'm going to do have the two things that everybody just realized i could do it because i just played a club in san jose right and uh was a improv yeah shout out yeah i love them and you know i could have done probably eight sold out shows or whatever.
And in my head I'm like, whoa, that's what rooms fills 600 people. That's like a mini theater.
Right? And then if I could have sold that many tickets, I could have just one night in a theater. Could have done the California theater right there in San Jose.
Maybe, I don't know. 1,500 seats or something.
Yeah, maybe I could have done that. I'll be there February 25th.
Yeah, go. But my point is that you're right.
I think I can. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to do this run with Andrew.
Okay. Right.
And then the next time I go on tour, I'll do that. Okay.
Okay. Anyway, thank you so much for supporting me and coming here and helping me because Andrew is a Hollywood star now.
Yes. And when I found out that you were the guy that was going to help me out here today in New York, I was so excited and so relieved because I honestly believe that I love you so much.
And I love you more than Mark Norman. I love you more than Andrew Schultz.
I love you more than Bobby Kelly and Jim Norton. I love all of them.
But my point is- For me more. There's a special part in my heart.
I appreciate that. But thank you so much.
Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for having me. And also, just real quick,

I just want to say, all the

stuff that was edited out, I have been

recording on my end. You can go to patreon.com

slash christycom to hear that. Woo-hoo, yeah, woo-hoo, yeah, woo-hoo, yeah.