The Suckerblow!

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Hey, my friends.

I know you're not going to believe me,

but I have a huge update for all of you.

The Bad Friends Tour is finally here.

We locked our dates.

We're going to be around the country,

30 cities between April and June,

and we can wait to go and meet you all in person. You can get tickets tomorrow at 12 p.m.
on LiveNation.com or clicking on the link in the description below. It's going to be awesome, and we can wait to be on the road with all of you.
And for those of you who have been asking me constantly about the course, the podcast we're doing in LA I know I'm not responding it's too overwhelming sometimes but we're doing it again I know the first one sold out super fast and we wanted to give that experience to as many people as possible so we're doing it again in April and we'll do a longer one a lab in the summer. If you

are curious about it and want to

learn how to be a producer

go to 7x.net and check us out

Also

happy Monday. Enjoy the show

I'm not going to be here today

but you guys will have Carlos

and you'll learn a lot of things about Carlos

so wait until the end and you'll find me later

Again, enjoy the show You two are friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. The episode is off to a hot start.
A lot better than the last episode with all the students. Thanks a lot, Fancy B.
You're fired. Fancy B is, of course, gone because he brought in 37 people into our studio.
That's about 200 square feet. So George is back and attack.
George, thanks for coming here. He's backed by his trusty Mexican steed, Carlos.
Carlos. So I woke up this morning, and I knew that we had to pod, and I'm super sick, and I don't know what I have.
We have a COVID test going, but I had to come because Andrew's a Hollywood star. I forget, you know.
We're clear right now. Here's the deal.
Here's the deal, man. The real dealio is this, right? I mean, let's get real.
California hospital still stressed as flu, RSV, COVID remain at its highest peak. Exactly.
And here's the deal, dude. It's like, you know, sometimes, you know, you start a podcast with somebody and they're at your level.
And all of a sudden, you plant the seed and it turns into a star. And that's what we got here, baby.
And let's give Andrew Santino a round of applause because he's going to work nonstop from here and on with his fucking – what are you doing? I just want to put some of that in the sky because you're talking this way. I'll talk this way, right? Yeah.
It's not. Why do you do that? You think it's a resentment? I was going to say something similar.
What? You think it's hostility coming out of mine? I'm so sorry. I love them.
No, let's be real. Let's be real for a second as a family.
Thank you, Carlos. Yeah, yeah.
Let's be real. Let's be real.
All right. Good news is you do not have COVID.
Thank you so much yeah Let's be real Let's be real

Alright, good news is

You do not have COVID

Thank you so much

And let's be real

Wait, wait, wait

You have herpes

I gotta do a little

I've had it

Yeah, I know, I know

I don't have herpes

Listen

Ooh, had to cover it up

Had to go back on it

Anyway, congratulations

I think you're faking for attention

Because Andrew's getting a lot of attention right now

Love Juicy so much

Thank you. Had to go back on it.
Anyway, congratulations. I think you're faking for attention because Andrew's getting a lot of attention right now.

Love Juicy so much.

She's on to something.

Yeah, I get it.

I hope you are because I hate to see you sick.

It's good.

I understand everything.

Love the Juicy.

Did I not give you a raise today?

I love you so much, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's interesting. Your boss gives you a raise and you slam him after that? That's why you hired me.
You like it. That's right.
We do actually like it. I like it a lot.
I gave you the raise, by the way. Not him.
No, he did. That makes me so angry.
You were gone when I gave her the raise, you piece of shit. She asked me.
She goes, do you think it's okay if I ask Bobby about the raise? i said of course no and she goes i want to make him feel like when it comes to any good things with our employees and stuff i'm the guy that does it you have it you spend zero you you spend zero amount of time on anybody but yourself and that's a fact you've never done anything for these guys never he did another thing huge for me though what i have my first big audition coming up can i talk about that i want you to get it so bad defend me every once in a while when he just said that i just did oh thank you that's what i did this piece of shit you know what i mean idiot it's so when you say things it's so it makes me so angry and i'm so sick i can't defend myself you couldn't couldn't if you weren't. Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you today, dude? We are bad friends today. Yeah, we are.
I hate you. Go ahead.
Oh, my God. Go ahead.
I love you. Juicy last night did a taping for Don't Tell Comedy that should be out soon with a bunch of our friends.
Yeah, I met Chris O'Connor for the first time. And Joey Avery.
I love Chris. I heard you did very good.
Oh, good. I kind of blacked out.
I've never done a taping before, and all I could think about on stage is all the cameras. Well, I heard that you said you blacked out.
Connie told me that you said you felt like you blacked out, or Joey said you felt like you blacked out during the set, but I heard you did very well. Santa Barbara, no less, a very astute place to do comedy.
Yeah, and it was cold. It was outside.
It was a little stuffy, though, huh? It was outside, cold. Yeah, a little stuffy.
I've never played it. You've never been to Santa Barbara to do shows? I've been there.

I've just never done shows there.

I did a show back in the day with me, Theo,

and somebody else years and years and years ago.

And it was like a bar room.

A guy used to have a bar show up there.

And it was great because it was UCSB kids.

But I've heard horror stories of going up there because it's, you know, Santa Barbara's like rich, really.

It's like Beverly Hills Plus. Yeah, they laugh like this.
Oh, they do? Yeah. They laugh Japanese.
Oh. Put their pinkies out.
I love when the Japanese do that. And then they cover their, you know, it's so funny.
It's so funny. Can I say about the Japanese? Please.
Or Asian the Japanese? Please Or Asians Love Japanese They used to laugh With their hands over their face They've had COVID the whole time Oh Is that why they do that? Think about it Right? Right? They've had COVID the whole time Wow Yeah That's why I never spread And you know how COVID spread? One girl forgot to do it Deaths. 7,000 deaths.
It's incredible. I got taught about something, a good fact.
A good fact I learned. Google this.
This is pretty insane. What is that? Can jealousy physically make you ill? According to Jonathan DeVos, neuroscientist at the University of Halifax.
Carlos, Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. The sympathetic nerve system buckles under the stress of jealousy, quickening the heart and spiking blood pressure.
Pretty wild. Can I say something? I know that symptoms can be mimicked.
Okay, you know what, dude? I swear to fucking God right now, dude. We're on the wrong foot.
I got you tobacco, Copenhagen. He did.
Yeah, you did. And I gave you $100 for it.
I tried to give you the $100. I know, but I get to keep it.
So my point is this, okay? My point is this. Stop this.
And you know what? I'm going to address it now. I'm just trying to ask you.
I'm going to address it now. Got it.
What are the 10 tips to overcome it? Click on the link. Don't cough this way.
Cough this way. Cough this way.
Cough this way. Listen, I was jealous of you.
Why? Let me just get this off my chest we don't go off of the same stuff what are you laughing i'm just can you not defend yourself and let me express myself that'd be cool okay i'll wait till you're done attacking me then i'll fucking i'm not attacking you this is a pure apology okay go ahead okay i was i did call my agents the other day and i go hey man what's going on andrew's booking all these things right and they're like calm down and i go i'm calm and then i um called my sponsor and my a sponsor and he goes do you love andrew i do and he goes are you happy for him? I go, you know what? I genuinely am happy for him.

I think you're so talented.

When I see you on stage performing,

and dude, I saw half of Cheeseburger.

So good.

Thanks.

No, I'm being real.

Okay, well, thank you.

You shot well, too.

Thank you.

Whoever directed that,

I wanted to direct mine, maybe.

Shut up.

No, I'm being real.

I directed it.

That's great.

You did that?

I did it.

That's incredible.

Can you direct my special? Come on. Be I'm being serious honestly dude I'm sick right now and you know so you can stop this I genuinely am so happy for you I love you thank you and it couldn't happen to a better guy okay don't go over the top no I'm not going over the top this is the last thing I'm going to say.
And we don't have to talk about it again, right? I'm going to kill myself. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it. I just couldn't go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I shoot myself in the face with a shotgun.
So one. No, I'm really happy for you.
But if you do kill yourself, can I have your house? Yes. All right.
I feel terrible. You're going to Hawaii soon.
You go, hi. Hey, I was trying to be nice to you.
What, what, what, what? What did you say? Magnum B.I. Yeah, the guy goes to Hawaii like nine times a year.
I get one fucking movie. He's like, wow, wow, gotta go.
You're such a fucking brat. You live in Hawaii half the fucking year.
You know what I mean? I go one little thing. What if Andrew becomes like the next Brad Pitt and then he puts you in all his movies? Hell yeah.
I don't think Brad Pitt puts anybody in any movies, by the way. You mean Sandler, Sand Dog? Yeah, like Sand Dog.
Let me ask you something. Is it? Every time I'm not at the store, Tarantino's there.
Yeah, last night he was there again. I saw that on Instagram.
Yeah. I've never been there when he's there.
Yeah, yeah. Every time I'm there, I'm not there.
No. Yeah.
But every time I'm not there, and he's always hanging out with- When you were there, Ron Jeremy was there. Every time.
Passed out in the back. Every time.
Yeah, yeah. You know he's in prison for the rest of his life.
I know, he looks terrible. Remember he used to snore in the back? A hundred percent.
He would fall asleep in the bucket seats. Yeah.
Was he drunk or high? I don't remember. Holy shit, that's what he looks like.
Yeah, he looks terrible. Yeah, yeah.
He looks terrible. Yeah, look at him.
All right, well, can I be honest? Yeah. I think this is bullshit.
He looks like a Morton Jeff from Batman. You don't think that's him? No, I think that's him, but I think, no, I think it's not the Illuminati.
No, I do think that's him. I'm just saying, I think he quickly let himself go once he found out he was definitely going to get busted for all of his crimes.
So he's trying to use, you know, Harvey Weinstein, it's like they use their like, I'm just old. I might die.
Don't put me away in the bad place. It's like, you did so much bad stuff they got you dude it's like when you dyed his hair gray yeah like look at this thing like this whole fucking like he was walking like a month before this it's it's it's great because you know sometimes i use the um the bathrooms public bathrooms with the you know with the handicap thing yeah and then i take a shit in there and then when i walk out there's a handicapped person you know i mean waiting for it and then i do a walk you do a little, yeah.
I have to do a walk because you have to feel – I don't want to get into confrontation with a guy. Okay, listen.
I'm in a wheelchair. You walk out normal.
I see you, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm doing a wheelie to stop you.
Whoa. Whoa.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry. Bye.
And I leave. But then I wheel in.
Yeah, yeah. I look in the toilet bowl and I see.
What? It's not a handicapped guy shit. And I wheel back.
Wait, you can tell by poo? Oh, yeah. Can you tell by poo? I think that's how they find out when they're young.
Oh, you know what, dude? You can check their poo. You can taste it and you can tell.
You know, I would poo tard light. Oh boy.
What do you mean? What do you mean? You can poo tard light. Sure, man.
Sure, man. I want you to look something up that I learned that was wild.
There was a guy, Bobby, that bought Hitler's bed and he sleeps in it every day. Google this guy.
This is a real man. Man who sleeps in Hitler's bed.
It's Kanye.

Yeah.

This dude bought Hitler's actual bed

and he sleeps in it.

What?

Every day of his life.

Just a little,

just snoozing on Hitler's bed.

And he's like a biggest collector

of Hitler memorabilia, this dude.

And he sleeps in Hitler's bed.

Is he, um...

Can you imagine? Is he racist? No, he just likes Hitler. Oh, I get it.
He also has this wax figure. Look at it, he has a wax figure of Hitler in his crib.
Wow. That's a dining room.
Imagine you go to a cute little Airbnb. You walk in and it's this fucking guy.
Imagine this guy, he's on a dating site And he just loves He brings a Jewish girl over For dinner It's insane Yeah yeah Like Sarah Silverman There's Hitler's bed Right there Where? Right there That's his bed? There it is Oh queen size Or is that a full? It looks like a full I think a full is a queen eh? What's the difference? That was smaller. What's the difference? It goes single.
Hey, hey. We should be asking her.
Tell us how the beds go. Single, full, queen, king, right? California king.
California king. Texas king.
There's a Texas king? Oh, there's a bunch of kings. Kings range in different ways but I have a California king.
I have a California king. Is Texas king bigger? I think Texas King is the biggest.
It's gotta be. I want a Texas King.
Is there a difference? I can't tell. A California King is just wider than it is long.
Texas is 14 inches wider. Whoa! Even wider.
And 8 inches longer. Whoa! We gotta get a Texas King.
We gotta get a Texas King. Can I tell you the problem though? What? Not enough places make fabrics to fit that.
Yeah, that's true. You can't get shoes on.
Oh. Right, right, right.
You can't go to, where do you get your fabrics? I go down to downtown LA to the fabric district. And I have them hand stitch it for me.
So I go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. That's not a good place? Well, I'm going to the Beyond part.
Downtown LA is. You're just going to Bed & Bath.
I'm actually going to the going to the beyond Oh the beyond part And it's just a little tiny girl She has one eye And I don't even Cyclops? She's kind of cycloptic I don't even know what language she speaks But she just kind of clicks at me And boop bop The clicks are probably her horse feet Oh when she's walking towards me Yeah yeah Oh yeah And I just tell her what I want And she makes it It's unbelievable That's exactly what she sounds like She's talking backwards What you have to do is I've met people like that Yeah What you have to do is You have to record them Slow down Go home And then reverse it Shit Yeah Yeah you don't want to do it In front of them You can't do it in front of them It's rude Because I think it's rude It's like Google translating In front of them come on, Juice. That was easy.
Yeah, go ahead. I'm very jealous of Andrew.
She brings it back. The kid is full circle when it comes to writing jokes.
There's no doubt about that. I'm practicing my memory.
Sorry. It's okay.
Alzheimer's runs in her family. She wants to make sure she's ahead of it.
Really? Yeah. Enjoy.
You're at the Bad Friends studio. Sometimes you just have to tell her because she'll forget where she is.
When does the Don't Tell Comedy set come out? Probably a couple months. And I think I'll just take some clips from it.
And then when the clubs, what's happening is I get into a club and then they'll find anything online to post of me. And then people, I'm reaching an audience.
Not like the Bad Friends family. Everyone's like really awesome.
Even the people who don't like me in the fan base't like me in the fan base are like. Who doesn't like you in the fan base? Well, they're even nice.
They'll be like, I don't really find her funny, but she's very nice. That's the kind of hate comment.
Don't read it. I know.
What are you reading that shit for? I'm going to stop because now I'm reaching strangers, people that don't know anything about me. And the comments are like, die.
I hope you die, I hate your guts, please die. Yeah, don't read it.
Kill yourself. I get a lot of really nasty comments.
Who's just wild about all those comments that say die? You will. So it's like, just wait.
Oh, you're right. I always say, wait, just chill out.
I'm gonna. Will you fucking cool it? Stop telling me what I'm gonna do.
Yeah. Yeah.
And also, it's like, my life has been so much happier not reading any of that. I have to stop.
No, dude, I couldn't care less. I couldn't.
It's so hard. Why care? That's why I don't want to read it.
Yeah, I don't care. I think it's fucking nonsensical.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you get good messages, too, like Cameo reached out to me.
Oh, you can do some cams. They sent me an email saying they work with you and how to have great success.
I'm sorry. This wasn't a slam to you, Bobby.
I don't do Cameo. No, I know.
I didn't think so. I could read you the conversation I've had.
They've reached out to me every week for the last five years. And I say no.
Every time. You know what's so weird is they view someone else has said that to me.
I don't do't do cameo you do cameo I've got I've ordered a cameo from you yeah I've never done it I I I don't do cameo and they say that I do and I was like I don't do it um and they're Chicago people that started it and then years ago when they first started the person that started it like signed me up for it and was you got to do one. And I got all these requests and I think I might've done one.
And then immediately when I did it, I quit. I was like, no, thank you.
And I never even got paid because the money had to go through like Zelle at the time or something. And I didn't have one.
And I was like, I'm not, I don't know what that is. It was brand new.
So I immediately was like, no, thank you. And since then, they've never stopped being like, why would you come back?

I'm back.

And I'm like, I don't.

I just, I don't.

I can't.

We should probably cut this out.

But they said that you make up to like 100,000 a year.

Me?

Wow.

I don't know if I'm misquoting the email.

But what's crazy is you can look.

I'm not on it.

I know.

Unless someone is doing it for me.

I mean, that would be kind of. They're making a shit ton of money.
They're making a ton of money. I'm not on it.
Floyd Mayweather. 15 grand.
15,000? That's what I'll do. Then I'll never have to make one.
It's actually kind of tight. I'm sure somebody's bought it from him before though.
You know? Yeah. 15 grand.
Yeah, some guy from Dubai. Some prince of Dubai.
Those guys have so much money. I daydream in the shower about one of them buying me as a human.
I swear to God, I have daydreams in the shower where like some Dubai prince is like, I will buy you. I can buy you.
And I'm like, yeah, do it. He's like, you will be my slave.
I will buy you. You do what I want.
And I was like, do it. And he gives me money.
And then I have to fly to Dubai and do whatever he wants. Whenever, like in the middle of the day, he'll be like, dance for us for hours.

And I will.

Yeah.

Right.

And I'll do it.

Yeah.

I got to be there with you.

You're coming.

First of all, you don't have a choice.

The moment I get paid, I'm calling you and I'm going, buddy, we got bought by Dubai.

And I'm going to go, woo-hoo.

Right?

And we're going to go to Dubai, you and I.

Your first class, I'm in the overhead compartment. No, no, no.
You're sitting on my lap. No, overhead compartment.
Sit on my lap. Overhead.
How about this? We'll trade. I'll sit on your lap, sit on my lap.
All right, all right. We go, right? And then all of a sudden, I got the coins.
Do I bring coins? Why would we bring coins? I don't know what they use there. Money? They do.
They have money like here, bud. How about pebbles? They use pebbles, too.
Yeah. Rubies.
You don't have have to google it you don't have to google it one you have to google it it ruins the comedy right right so anyway no but by the way did you see that what what is it called there the dirham yeah so I bring the dirham look at how much money we could make there that's incredible United States one dirham is only worth a quarter of our money so then we'd get four times our money would you tell them beforehand that you're bringing me or when we get there you're gonna say I brought him they'll just know they'll just assume oh so we're a package deal we are a package they already know that we are a package do I get my own room we share we share oh but can I tell you in the contract it's a Texas King bed oh yeah yeah yeah we should have plenty of room yeah yeah I gotta wear one of those what are the garments they wear I like the head pieces would you share a bed with me if we had to travel like that or would it be too hard if you and I were like in Auschwitz I would what why would we be there back in the day I've thought about that in the 40s if you were a bed with you. Thank you.
It would keep each other warm. What's so funny? In a holocaust is the only situation.
Yeah, in a like... Outside of that.
No, no, no. I know where.
I know where we're out. Amistad.
Oh, Amistad. You and I, yeah, but you know why? Because they're going to throw us overboard.
I know it. They would throw us overboard, right? And I would need to be with you.
Can you imagine you and I on a boat? They would kill us so fast. What do you mean? If it was like a boat of pirates and they captured us and they were trying to use us as ransom, within an hour, they would be sick of our bullshit.
They would throw you and I overboard immediately. Would you rather have been tied or would you rather be loose? What do you mean? And thrown into the ocean? Yeah, I don't want to be tied and thrown in the ocean because i mean but i want to give me a shot i would get into an argument with a guy with a gun just to shoot me i'd be like just shoot me i'm not i don't want to drown i'd much do drowning is my actual nightmare there was a video that i saw online uh this guy they're these guys that swim they put a hole in the water and they swim under up to another hole you know i'm talking about george these people they like they do swimming in frozen fucking lakes swimming under ice and they will swim under the ice dude it is my anxiety nightmare and then one dude couldn't find his way out and they were trying to break the ice and they couldn't get through and he almost didn't fucking make it look at this though holy they'll literally punch one hole and punch another hole and they'll swim down through the ice why do they always look like adam divine they always look like adam divine they do that does there's adam there's thumper hoff did it and his eyeballs like froze over or something so he couldn't even see what like halfway through his eyeball like his cornea or something froze over he couldn't see and he almost like he got lost it's your eyeball free can freeze and you yes and you can drown so what they do is they have a rope and it's a safety rope and you have to follow the road because they can't see anything really so if they can't find the rope though you die you absolutely die and tons of people do this this is like for sport and it's batshit crazy that's not true not tons of people tons of white people do it well yeah i mean we're the best at wackadoo stuff how many black people have gone skydiving since its inception six it's really funny think about it i've never seen a korean skydive i've never seen anybody but white skydive my whole every black really yeah yeah type in skydivers and watch how many photos we'll put.
It'll be all white dudes. Crazy fucking whites.
Look at the first photo of the guy's hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at that guy. Yeah, dude.
Four photos in. Go to four photos.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that guy.
That's the guy that skydives with that girl. They look like Harry Styles, the skydivers.
It's such a white thing to jump out of an airplane. Yeah.
Have you ever done this, Juice? Would you do it? No. If we do bad friend skydiving would you do it heights is my drowning heights is your drowning oh but if he does the ice thing would you do the thing you got to conquer the ice thing we got to do the ice thing with you wait why i don't have fear so like you know i mean i don't have to do you have so many fears i have no fears ask me a question Ask me fear questions Ask away I am Look at me Are you afraid of being alone? You got me Fuck first question No I'm not Look at me Yeah you are you are No Yeah you are No Yes you are Yes you are No, no Yes you are No, but not in terms of like that Oh no, that's a fear That's a real fear And that's a physical fear Because it physically manifests Being alone can fucking kill you Yeah Yeah This podcast is supported by Progressive A leader in RV insurance RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.
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This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp, I got to tell you, has been with us for a long time because Bobby and I believe in therapy.
We've talked pretty openly on this show about mental health and mental health awareness and getting help with your mental health. And I do think talking to someone is an extremely good alternative to just sitting in your house by yourself, thinking about too much stuff and not getting it out.
When you're at your best, you can do great things. Am I not right? I agree.
You do the best stuff when you're at your best. Exactly.
But sometimes life gets you bogged down. Sometimes your eyes get sad.
That's right. And you may feel overwhelmed or like you're not showing up in the way that you want to.
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And, you know, during the summer, I went to a bunch of lots. I went to hot Pasadena, hot Burbank.
I was so frustrated. But you know what? I went to Vroom.com, and that's where I got my car because Vroom is the better way to buy your next ride, Andrew.
That's right. You never have to haggle or negotiate the price of a car so you know you're getting a good deal.
You got a full week or 250 miles, whichever comes first, to make sure your new ride is right for you. Bobby got to drive his car around and guess what? He loved it because he knew what he wanted.
And Vroom, it's the better way to buy. You don't got to go around wasting time trying to find all the things that fit for you.
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That's right. Go to vroom.com and check out thousands of cars today.
Look at the people that go out to the woods, that live out in the woods in the middle of nowhere. They go crazy, and then they die.
You need human touch. You need human contact.
You need conversation. I have a fear.
I have a fear of, this is going to sound crazy. What? But I saw a documentary with Indians in it, Indian people from India.
India's from India. And some guy had dry skin on his elbows.
Right, to hear me out. And I feel like there's flakes, and I have a fear of those flakes coming on my face.
On your face? Yeah, like a powder of Indian flakes on the... What's funny? I'm trying to follow.
Juicy, this is an extremely legitimate fear. It's a fear.
This is a fear that many people have. Face fake? I'm so sick right now.
I have no idea why I'm here. What's the name? Look up.
I'm so tired. I'm sorry.
Am I not making... This episode, is it terrible? Yeah.
I like it. Don't be real.
No, it's fun. No, honestly.
Yeah. Should I leave? Just relax, will you? Hey, Carlos.
I feel like I'm drowning. Look up.
Look up. Look up the fear of of dead skin because I guarantee you there's a phobia attached to dead skin fear of dead skin what's it called there it is necrophobia necrophobia specific phobia that involves a fear of dead things things that are associated with death what about skin fear of skin do fear of skin what is that one at the zag of breath oh my god that's bobby that's bobby wait stay there what is it that is bobby zoom in i don't even know how to say this this is bobby lee at athazagraphobia athazagraphobia is the fear of forgetting someone or someone as fear or the fear of being forgotten you don't want to be forgotten you're an athrozagra for sure you really are don't forget what is this linophobia is the fear of string you have an extreme reaction when just thinking of string wow like a fucking shoelace you just have velcro shoes it's like every cat has that they all have that that's crazy right just yeah Take it away yeah.
Take it away. You're a cat.
I knew you were a cat. You tell me you have no fears, Bob.
No fear, dude. You bungee jump? No, I won't do it.
Well, there you go. There it is.
Yeah, you're right. Triphobia? I mean, all of it I'm afraid of.
Tripophobia is an excessive reaction to things that resemble serious skin diseases. That's what you have, Bobby.
Trypophobia. Are you trypophobic? Yeah.
Poor Bobby. Poor Bobby.
What do you have the fear of, Juice? What are you afraid of? Well, the heights thing. I know I'm afraid of other stuff Like What are you afraid of, Carlos? Think about it, Juice I'm afraid of loneliness You are afraid of being alone Yeah, so the thing you asked Bobby about I was related You're gonna die.
100%. For sure? Why would you say that? Dude, I'm going to say something right now, dude.
You're just mad because- I'm not mad. I'm not mad.
I'm going to be honest. I pulled up the- I was sick for a second, but it just, once you said that, it made me so angry.
Oh, did you can't hurt him with those shades on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With those shades on? You definitely have that thing where you're never going to meet anybody.
That's insane. I've been- You've never been in a relationship.
I've known you for so long. I've been married.
Yeah, he got married. Divorce.
How long? A couple of years. Yeah.
I have a. And that could have ended day one.
No, no, no, no. They really loved each other.
I never met her. How are we friends? I never met her.
You're always busy. You were with Kalilah and that new glow with her.
There you go. Yeah.
Meanwhile, I met her. I went to their house up in the Hills.
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
What was she like? I mean, do you want me to speak? Speak about, yeah. You guys are still friends.
Yeah. She's cool.
She was a very sweet person. Um, she was a little unusual to look at.
She had had a tragic accident when she was young. Yeah.
quarters of her head was impaled. It was sunken in.
Why are you laughing? That's why I'm wearing these. I'm trying not to cry when I think about it.
She had an impaled head and one of her legs the foot faced the wrong way. It was nuts.
You think I'm going to buy that? It was uneven. One foot was...
Do you Do you know how Her name was uneven Uneven Uneven Uneven Herrera Uneven Herrera I can't believe it Because you know how complex His fucking You know what I mean This guy His pilot Yeah Dude Any imperfection Like I'll show him a photo Of a girl with a freckle He's like nah Freckles Freckles are bad. Swipe left.
You guys do. That's who you are.
Swipe left, dude. You're Mr.
Swipe left, dude. Right? You need perfection, dude.
You don't have an indentation woman. You don't have a woman with a fucking head thing.
Because I never had been with, I told you this in secrecy and you'd call me racist. What? You've never been with a what? I've never been with an Asian.
I know. But that doesn't mean I'm racist.
I know, but you would never go out with indentation, lady. Yes, you would.
No, you wouldn't. Yes, you wouldn't either.
Yes, I would. Are you out of your mind? You're complex, dude.
You have a palate. Let me tell you something.
Yeah. You guys go to museums, you know what the good art is.
Right? When you go to the museums, do you know what the good art is? Yeah. Right? You go, that's good, right? Yeah, right.
You look at a Van Gogh, that's good, right? The Van Gogh can't talk. So if I met a woman with an indentation in her head, but I loved her personality, maybe I would fall in love.
Yeah, Carlos was dating a Picasso. That's right.
Yeah. And I'm dating a Van Gogh.
I'm married to a Van Gogh. That's not what I meant.
And you're with a Degas. That's not what I meant.
What I meant is this. You know what good art is and bad art.
You see, when you,

how about this?

Avocado.

Avocado.

I love avocado.

Right,

but you know what a bad avocado

looks like, right?

Like Carlos.

You squeeze, right?

Looks like Carlos.

Yes.

My point though is this,

okay?

You don't have a lady

with the thing,

head thing.

All right?

He lie, right?

I'm going back to it, right?

I want to look at a photo

of your wife.

I never met her before.

Ex-wife. Let me see.
He's not his wife anymore. You keep saying that.
He's not married or- Whatever, whatever. He'm going back to it, right? I want to look at a photo of your wife.
I never met her before. Ex-wife.

Let me see.

He's not his wife anymore.

You keep saying that.

He's not married or-

Whatever, whatever.

He's going to die alone.

And I hate to be rude.

I hate to be rude.

Well, why do you think that's-

We all die alone.

Yeah, we all do die alone.

We come to this world the same way we go out.

No, I mean literally alone.

You think at the end of his life-

He's going to die.

No one's going to be around.

Why?

Why?

Look at him.

He's a beautiful human.

His behavior.

What's wrong with him? Dude, he's always alone. Every time I see him on the street walking down Ventura, he's by himself holding a bag always.
What's in the bag? A plastic bag full of fucking broccoli and other items. I don't know what he eats.
It's from Trader Joe's. Yeah, my point is that you're a lonely, lonely fucker.
Why are you doing that? I'm sorry. You're a Mexican too, which makes it even worse.
I'm sorry. You're done.
He's cracking me up. You're done with it, dude.
Okay, how about this? Let's bring it back to square one. Misery is your future.
Is Juicy going to die alone? No. No, am I? No.
Are you? No. Okay, so Carlos? Yes.
All right. You're done.
He's set in stone. Lonely tears for you dude In the desert

And you know why he's doing this

Because you admitted out loud stupidly

Into the microphone

That you're afraid of dying alone

You shouldn't have done that

Yeah yeah

You gave him more

You gave him a bullet

You're like shoot

Honestly out of all the people

That I can imagine

This is the honest truth

Of all the people

Thousands of people in my lifetime

Right

And I'm thinking about the loneliest fuckers

In that fucking group

Yeah

Yeah Carlos

You know what I do

Don't exist

You shouldn't exist right now

Thank you. And I'm thinking about the loneliest fuckers in that fucking group.
Yeah. Yeah, Carlos.
You know what? I do. Don't exist.
You shouldn't exist right now. What do you got to say? I'm so sick.
I'm so sorry. Thanks for the medicine.
You got me this loosey. This mess is kicking in.
I love it. Carlos bought you $70 worth of medicine.
Chug it. Blue tongue.
But George proved me wrong. I literally thought no one could quite possibly fuck this man.

It's impossible.

I literally thought it was a scientific fact.

Yeah, I've got hidden game.

He's got hidden game.

God, I wish he'd have said that.

You know what?

Not only did somebody pump him, he got a couple of kids out of it. Yeah.
This guy made humans. You proved me wrong.
And you know what, Carlos? I've had two abortions. Good for...
Look at that. Look at that.
So I got them pregnant. So he did.
Stop, stop, stop. Carlos, Carlos.
Three, actually. Carlos.
Carlos. George loves it.
The question isn't, can you get laid?

You 100% can get laid.

Thank you.

What I'm saying is that you're never going to live with anybody or marry anybody or be

in a relationship with anybody or be intimate with anybody or share feelings and ideas with

anybody.

That's insane.

It's not insane.

Look at you.

Look in the mirror.

Open your mouth.

This is a projection because Kalilah just moved out.

This is 10.

That's a tough hit.

I mean, that might have been you sunk his battleship.

That's a sucker blow.

That's not a sucker blow.

That's a sucker blow.

After everything you said, that is so insane.

That's a sucker blow, dude.

That's insane.

To my heart, dude.

You're like wailing on him and he did one little thing.

One thing.

He just turned over. Didn't even hit.
You sucker blowed me, dude. I'm so sick right now, dude.
Can you say sucker punch? Blow is not a part of it. A sucker blow is when I suck your dick and you didn't know it was coming.
That's a sucker blow. Yeah.
When you're looking up at the sky, I go, Bobby, look at how beautiful the sunset is. And then I start blowing you.
That's a sucker blow. You when you're looking up at the sky i go bobby look at how beautiful the sunset is and then i start blowing you that's a sucker blow you know what i'm gonna keep calling it sucker blow that's what it feels like okay i'm gonna say something to you right now man you know what game on oh shit you won a war shit i'll begin but you started the war and then i just made like a no no no here's the deal dude i the deal, dude.
I'm calling it... I feel bad for you.

Oh, no.

When I saw you in fucking Mexico...

I was in Hawaii with you.

Oh, in Hawaii, I mean?

Yeah.

I mean, see, that's the difference.

That's what I'm saying.

You could be anywhere alone.

Right.

In my mind, you're in Afghanistan alone.

You're in Australia alone.

You're on an island alone.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You're in the big city alone. Walking down with a bag.
Yep. You know what I mean.
You're on an island alone. You're in the big city alone.

Walking down with a bag.

Full of fucking broccoli or whatever.

I think it's better to be alone

than in a shitty relationship, though.

Are you saying that I'm in one?

No, I'm just saying that that's why

I'm alone a lot, because I'd rather...

No, I think you're addicted

to the pee.

Oh, that's right. I think you're strongly addicted to it.
I to tell you something right now. This is an intervention to you, right? It's not going to fix you.
The pee. PCP? No, not PCP.
What's he addicted to? Pussy. Oh.
I don't even, like, fuck a lot. It's like, I'll go on first dates, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that.
That's not what about your feelings well i'm looking to like meet someone and wait what did you hear bobby that's not what i heard my friend oh no well what did you hear it makes me mad what i heard what did you hear he has a beautiful penis oh yeah that's where it's all coming from and that bummed you out Yeah and that's why I attacked him

That's my bad dude

That's my bad dude

I'm in the wrong

And I'll admit it

You have a beautiful penis

Pete Davidson of bad friends

Yeah he is kind of the Pete Davidson of bad friends isn't he

And

I attacked you

And that was wrong of me

Pete Davidson dude

You're the Pete Davidson

You're our Pete Davidson

and who's going to date next? What famous person are you going to get a tattoo removed of next? Nikki? Nikki. Glaser? Oh, really? She'll never know.
She's with that guy. No, no.
Nikki Glaser. I love her boyfriend.
the best. Oh, yeah.
He looks like a soccer coach. He's my favorite.
You like soccer coaches, don't you? Yeah, I do. What is that? They look wholesome.
They look pure. Pure to me.
And he especially, I forgot his name, but I like him a lot. The next person that you date, Bob, how about this? Let's target somebody to date for you.
What do you mean?

Well, I feel like you're kind of out in the abyss.

You're just dating what's coming through.

So how about let's target?

It's so funny.

It's so funny because you've now been around some of the dates I've been on.

Yeah.

And I can see your face.

I'm not judging.

It's not that you're judging.

It's not that you're judging.

Yeah.

There's a...

Go.

Keep talking. There's a feeling.
There's a feeling of disapproval in your eyes. In what way? When I walked in the improv, I said hello to everyone.
I was so nice and polite. I know you so well.
What did I do? Subtext. What did I...
What were you thinking? What did you think I was thinking when I saw you with the girls in the room? What did you think I thought? When I walked in. You're trying to figure out the situation first.
Correct. I wanted to know if they were comedians or they were strangers or who the fuck those people were.
But then once, I know, but I can look at your eyes and I can go, okay, now he's getting, understanding what the situation is and there's a quick thing in your eyes that you go, I don't approve. That's not true.
You know what I thought? When I looked under that bar and saw you in the room with those girls, you know what my first thought was? Hmm. There's no couch i was like no that couch is fucking full i'm sorry that sucks no i was just like i can't sit down i have to go in the other room yeah and that you've also expressed things about girls that you've met that i've been dating of your disapproval that's not true yeah yeah yeah you have i swear to god let's admit that for a second i never said anything negative about, I think you can do better.
Right. No, no.
That's a nice thing. Isn't that a nice? That's not what you said.
You said, I don't like them. You said that.
First of all, time out. First of all, I only said I didn't like one of them.
Okay. Two of them.
Two of them, yeah. But one of them, you agreed.
And the other one, you didn't understand, but you did eventually. But one of them, we said together.
I said, do not like. And you go, I don't either.
Okay. don't either okay in the elevator you said it together but my point is is that you have had strong opinions about it well you're my best friend what do you want me to do just fucking let you go out there i just want the pussy i know i'm trying to protect my little boy you know what i'm afraid of you want to know what i'm afraid of i'm trying to find the one I'm afraid of you Getting taken advantage of How about that Oh they're all Taking advantage of me baby By the way You're welcome I texted you last night At the restaurant That you should go to The Italian joint It looks great It's fucking really good No one's taking advantage of you You better not let people Take advantage of you Yeah I've had some Strange things Like what I don't wanna get into it I don't wanna All this stuff tacos I don't even feel like All right All right Dark shit No because it's like Because people here You know we have to talk about Can I tell you something That's going to make you mad maybe? Well might as well Double down on the sucker blows Blow him again Andrew Sucker blow me again Dan Let me ask you something uh jesse jesse yes you know you've seen me bring a couple of my dates to the comedy store how have you felt about them um you know i actually at first was like dang he's seeing a lot of different people but then i thought good for him yeah because you've been in a long-term relationship for so.
And I think it's kind of cool that you're not afraid about your dating. Like you're not keeping it a big secret.

Like you're,

you know,

and you're talk about it.

So the girls that see you have to know that you're seeing other girls.

And I think that's mature and cool.

And I think you should be able to date and experience that.

But the truth be told,

if I may,

you may,

if I may express myself in the truth,

Thank you. to date and experience that.
But the truth be told, if I may... You may.
If I may express myself in the truth... In the truest form.
Exactly what I was going to say. Say it then.
I'm just kind of groggy. I know, babe.
The truth be told is that I'm really looking for my one. The one.
Yeah, I want to see one person. Close your eyes.
What does she look like? Oh, my Lord. Here we go.
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ZocDoc.com slash badfriends. I think that if you were the leader of a country.
You want to be able to eat a French laundry? Jessie? Don't you think it'd be a great place? What?

If Jessie was a leader of a country?

She wouldn't want to.

Why?

I think I'd get taken advantage of.

Hey.

Hey, Your Excellency.

Your Excellency.

Master?

Oh, call me Juice.

Whoa.

Okay.

Sorry, Your Excellency.

That's kind of not our thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what are the policies that you wanted to enact for Juice Island? I just want everyone to have a good time. Good call.
Yeah, no, we agree. Yeah, but taxes? We also, yeah, we're coming to you about finances.
So we're deeply in debt. Yeah, we need taxes.
Yeah. Okay.
How much should we charge people? I don't have enough money. No, we're actually in debt about $450 million.

We're in debt.

It's not your money.

It's Juice Island's money.

Right.

Okay.

So can we income tax?

If we have to, but not a lot.

I don't want people to have to pay.

Maybe like a penny for every dollar.

You want people to pay a penny for every dollar? One cent to their dollar? Yeah. Can I choose? Is that a lot? Let me ask you something.
I don't know. Who's head of finance? Because Carlos Island is next door.
Yeah. And they're ready to attack.
They have like fucking- They want to go to war. They want to go to war.
Well, let me talk to him. Okay.
Well, good luck. Ring, ring.
We got it, Carlos. Hello? Hey, I heard you want to go to war? Yeah, no one respects your island because you have .01 taxes.
In America, it's .08. Hey, why don't we just smoke a blunt, chill out? I don't think we need to be fighting.
I'm already smoking one, but you're more than welcome to come over. Okay, so we're good? No.
And she did get close she almost solved that war that i did feel like at some point you were going to flip and already in that conversation you and i look at each other like we got to go to carlos island no there's a coup oh there's a coup we're taking over we have to overthrow her this is fucking dumb so we'd kill you immediately yeah yeah you're dead i mean you don't even have to kill me. You guys can just take over.
No, we've got to kill you. It's like a part of the thing.
Yeah, and you know what? I'll name it Santino Island. Just give me a province.
Bobby province? I want my own province. Lee province.
Yeah. And I want it gated.
No one's allowed to go there. Except for my people people Who's your people? People that I capture

Okay, so it's like the Vatican

You have your own rules and laws

Yes

And I can't enforce it

It's like an Indian reservation

Where I have my own taxes

Your own cops

My own cops

My own hospitals, everything

I have my own province

Just give it to me

If I had my own province

Yeah

I would have one guy doing security

And be Jamar neighbors

And I'd pay him whatever he wants Dude, that's who I was gonna pay And I'd have no rules no rule i'd be like whatever you want to do man it's on you eric andre and jamar neighbors security right yeah and they're wearing atc they're driving atcs atv mohawk mohawks right yeah completely naked right does anybody wear clothes at the lee province no there's no clothing store So you'd have to leave Lee province. You can't leave.
You cannot. It's like North Korea.
Exactly. No.
No. Well.
Let me ask you something. North Korea, right? Is fentanyl free? Well, yes.
It can be. Right.
How about Wagyu steaks? That's not free. Right.
Everyone eats Wagyu steaks. Where are you getting all this money from in Lee Province? The taxes.
Your taxes, man. We're part of your thing.
No, I know, but dude, you're- Because, dude, you're going to call me and I'm going to go, hey, dude, give me the steak. This is how corrupt government starts.
This is literally it. Yeah, yeah.
A friend of a friend goes, come on, man. It's my constituency.
Just give me a little bit more money than the other guys. And then they go, well, we did grow up together.
And I'll give you Taipei. TP.
Taipei? No, TP. What's TP? I don't want to tell you what it is.
Toilet? But you know what it is. Toilet paper.
No, no. I know.
You know what it is. I know what it is.
You know what it is. So I'll give you some TP.
Oh. Okay, I understand.
Wait, I still don't know what it is. Exactly.
When you see... It's the same P that you talked about before.

No, when you say I understand, that means that you said, that means you go, yeah.

But that's what happened.

You're getting me the steak.

Yes, because I'm going to get you the steak.

That's so great.

This is the problem.

TP always works out.

This is the problem.

This is the problem.

I understand.

This is how government goes to collapse.

I know, but still, we'll run for 10 years.

I'm second in command at Carlos Island.

I'll take some TP. I'll give you Wagyu steaks, yeah.
Oh, yeah, if he doesn't give it to me. See, this is how Putin started.
This is what happened. All the homies got some and then Pootie was out.
Pootie was doing his thing. He's dead, by the way.
I think he's dead. They're hologramming him all over the country and the world.
Yeah, anyway, can you just give me a province? I'll give'll give you a province Right But we do have to think of what we're going to do with our captured prisoner there Oh she's not dead No I didn't want to kill her I feel so bad Alright You know what I know what we do Every 10 days out of the year Right We're talking right We do Yeah. We do shame, shame day.
Shame day. And we gotta shame her.
Oh, we do publicly. Yeah, publicly.
Okay, I like that. Throughout the whole island.
For not taxing enough? That's right. Well, because you were weak, you just couldn't do it.
You were so weak, right? So what we do, what? To shame her? Yeah. Get burnt chocolate.
We have to dip her in chocolate. We have to dip you in chocolate.
We have to dip her in chocolate. We have to dip her in chocolate.
And then we throw, we have dip her in chocolate. We have to dip her in chocolate.
And then we have to throw goose feathers on you.

Yeah, goose feathers on your body, right?

Not tarred and feathered.

You get chocolate and feathered.

And she has to be in pain somehow.

We got to get some pain.

Do you know they say the worst part about getting tarred and feathered was the tar?

Because it was burning your skin.

No, not the feathers.

Not the feathers.

That's so funny.

I always thought it was the feathers. I would assume it was the feathers would assume it was the feather yeah because the embarrassment would overthrow the pain wait so when they did tar and feathers it was hot tar burning tar it would singe your skin they never did cold tar i don't think you can cold tar is hard tar oh that's right right he's throwing a hard rock right how about lukewarm tar there was a couple places that did lukewarm tar yeah yeah didn't catch on.
Oh, it didn't catch on? That right, right. He's throwing hard rock at them.
Right, how about lukewarm tar? There was a couple places that did lukewarm tar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just didn't catch on. Oh, didn't catch on? That sucks, man.
Tarring and feathering to me, I'm not kidding. I think we should bring it back.
It's so funny. But because the tar burns their skin, because I don't want to inflict real pain, this is an embarrassment thing.
Like, if you have a petty crime, right, you steal something. I think we just do super glue and feathers, and you have to be a chicken for a couple of days well that's why i said chocolate yeah but chocolate melts it comes right off your skin super glue is gonna you have something that has you have to have something that sticks to your skin and the thing that it sticks to will stick to you that's gonna stay on forever dude super glue no it doesn't with feathers i mean you'll there's a spot like 10 years ago later you're gonna be like oh fuck there's a spot right but i bet you don't steal again that's exactly thank you but it has to be embarrassing that's all it should be something stupid you know like you wear like your um like the clothes that you wear when you do something petty that you have nipple holes and a genital hole so everyone has to see your nipples and your little penis all day long and you can't cover it up you have to walk around like that with your little penis out and your nipples out and your butthole out.
You have to walk around like that. Interesting.
You steal something, you get a little bit of embarrassment. Yeah.
I wouldn't be embarrassed though. Or you have to do the man-china and you have to walk like that all day.
Honestly, there is nothing when it comes to nudity that I'll be embarrassed about. Yeah, but many people do feel fear of nudity.
I know. I don't know why that is.
Because we've been taught that it's bad to be naked, so we think it's naughty and wrong. Just own up to what you have.
I have that. What? I make sure no doors are open or windows are open.
Oh, so you have a fear of nudity. I don't know if it's so far as a fear.
I'm not like a never nude, but I do. i do like i don't want anyone to see me naked okay so so this is very interesting your partner like when you're dating somebody do you not want them to see you naked unless you are going to be hooking up like if you're just like getting in out of the shower they don't you can't you don't want them to see you correct right okay that's insane like i will be naked with my partner but i don't like casually only when it's uh leading to something sexual yeah that's absolutely insane to me no that's Not that's her fucking...
That's insane. Like, I will be negative with my partner, but I don't, like, casually.
Only when it's leading to something sexual. Yeah.
That's absolutely insane to me. No, that's not.
That's her fucking, that's her feeling about her body. That's crazy talent.
I wish I didn't have it. I agree with Bobby.
Like, I don't think that's how. That's insane.
I've never even met anyone like that. I don't think it's that crazy.
It's not that bad. I couldn't date anyone like that.
Well, good thing you guys aren't going to date. It's insane to me.
Okay, so look. Like, even the girls, I've seen a couple of girls now, you know what I mean? They walk around the house naked.
So do I. So do I.
I know. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to move in with Bobby.
What's the problem? What's the problem? What's the problem? I mean, I sleep. See, we don't get naked in my house.
I sleep in jeans. I've never taken these jeans off.
No, honestly, how do you and your wife sleep? What do you mean, how do we sleep? Completely naked? Foot to head. Yeah, head to foot.
You wear boxers? We have a single. You wear boxers? No.
Completely naked? I sleep naked, yeah. Does your wife? Sometimes.
She wears a big shirt, probably. Sometimes she wears a big comfy shirt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or it depends if it's cold out.
Yeah, she wears something cold. But but yeah i always sleep naked i've always slept naked i love sleeping naked i refuse to have clothes on my body that's insane that's great i mean why am i well i love it i don't close me nothing to me i get scared sleeping naked like i wake up like what if i had to get out of the house really fast you throw something on you keep something near the bed to throw on right but what if you can't find it or a fire burns them up so then you fucking run out you're.
Then you're outside naked. Then you're outside naked.
Good. Fine.
I did this very joke on Conan. Go watch my Conan set.
I got locked out of a hotel room naked. Go on.
Yes, go on. Well, no, because, you know, I get room service, right? And after I'm done with it, right, I was eating naked.
Put it outside. And I put it outside and I hear clunk and I turn around and I go oh fuck man this sucks so I cup because I don't want to get in trouble do you use the lid to the room service? no I walk down the hallway that is so smart I walk down the hallway and luckily they had one of those phones by the elevators.
Yeah. So I called the phone and go, ah, ha, ha, ha.
By the way, that is for naked guys that get locked out. That phone by the elevator, the only use of that is for like, hey, I'm naked, got locked out, can't come down, I'm on the 12th floor, thank you.
That's why they made that phone. Yeah, so I picked it up, I did a laugh first.
Yeah, we always do a laugh. Let's do it.
You're not going to believe this. Hi, front desk, how can I help you? Yeah.
Oh, it's crazy. You're not going to believe this.
Sir, we have a lot of customers desk how can i help you oh it's crazy you're not gonna believe this sir we have a lot of customers how can i help you yeah i'm naked i you know i was putting i had room service putting the food outside the door locked and then i need a key all right come on down and get a new key you can't bring it up we can't we were short-staffed so are you so i so I hear. So come on down.
Okay. I will go down there.

That's not what they did.

What did they do?

They brought a guy up, you know what I mean?

And here's the guy.

Oh, here you go.

Yeah.

Thank you.

What do you mean?

He wasn't shocked.

Can I come in?

No, that'd be weird.

Please?

No, no, no.

Please?

No.

Please?

You've never done anything like that?

No, I had a... This was the weirdest thing I had happen fucking when I was in New York,

this last time I was in New York.

Knock, knock, knock.

No, thank you.

Knock, knock, knock.

Fuck.

I step out of the bathroom.

I'm naked getting in the shower.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

So loud.

So loud.

Nothing.

Shower, shower, shower.

Everything is good. Dry off.
Throw the throw the towel down brushing my teeth naked ink ink walks oh oh hi i go no no no no out out out out out out please no butt naked toothbrush no no no no no she stands there okay back come back okay wow go go go go please yeah But then at some point she stood a little bit too long and i was like sucks suck suck suck no no no no no but she stood there for a weird amount of time i was almost like i thought she was gonna go oh sorry she didn't she was like oh back come back i was like yeah yeah man my cock's out please come back later yeah it's crazy but from what you're, I should be more comfortable with my cock out while I'm brushing my teeth and the cleaning lady walks in. Yeah, I have a problem with cleaning ladies.
But you know what I also have a problem with? What? The people that call the 911, what do you call it? Dispatch people? Dispatch people. I fucking hate that, man.
The people that, like, help save people's lives? No, if you watch any, like, podcast about murders and stuff, and you hear dispatchers, it's like they're the most insane people on earth. It's like, my husband was just stabbed to death.
He's still in the house, right? I'm in the closet. Calm down.
Yeah. Calm down, bitch! My husband's dead.
You know what I mean? I can't hear you speak clearly you know what I mean but they're trained to try to calm you down no no no you want them to freak out you call me and you're panicking I'm 911 I'm the dispatcher guy call me my wife just stabbed Call me. Yes.
My wife is hit.

My wife just stabbed

everyone in our

neighborhood.

She's coming to kill

me.

Please help.

Help.

I already got the

cops coming.

Boop.

It's simple as that.

That's good.

The cops are coming.

But you need to stay

on the phone.

No, no, no.

What am I going to do?

You need to gather

information.

No, I want her to not

if you're hiding.

You should be talking

on the phone, bitch.

All right.

You call me then.

Here we go

I'll be the 911

911

you'll be 911

that was my holiday

alright right

ring ring

ring ring

it always takes a minute

alright

ring ring

ring ring

911 dispatch

how can I help you

oh my god

oh my god

my whole family's dead

mmhmm

zero step

Thank you. Oh my God.
Oh my God. My whole family's dead.

Zero step.

Who did it?

I don't know who did it.

Are you okay?

Are you hurt?

He's still in the house.

My two kids are slaughtered.

Oh no.

Is he close to where your kids are?

They're dead.

Oh, they're all dead.

Well, that's okay.

Just call the cops because I hear them near me.

I hear them near me.

Okay, well, then you should quiet down a little bit, huh?

That's how they are.

Yeah, they are like that.

I don't like it.

Well, I think it's...

She's busy, man.

She's heard this all day.

All day she gets these calls.

She's sick of this shit.

Well, get somebody else on there. All right, this is what you would rather prefer.
Ready? Go ahead, call. Ring, ring.
911 dispatch. Yeah.
Somebody's in the house. Oh, my God.
How did they get in the fucking house? Holy shit. How did they get in the fucking house? What the fuck? What did you do? What did you do? That's not what I want.
That's not what I want. How do you want them to react? You want them to panic? What I just said.
Cops are on the way. Yeah, they should have a mechanism, right? When you call from a landline, right? It should just pop up where the fucking house is and then press a fucking red button where the cops and the ambulance go there.
Okay, Well, I think this is a good idea. Yeah.
I thought they do that. They don't do that.
They stay on the phone to make sure you're calm. No, no, no.
You should listen to some of these. I'll record them.
You record them? No, I'll clip some stuff. I'll clip some stuff.
I've seen so many of them. Let's have Bobby just start calling 911 to just get tapes out.
No. I just hate it.
That's all. Did you ever prank 911 when you were a kid? Oh yeah.
No. Never.
You did, Carlos? Speak up. The cops showed up.
Bad boy. I hate pranks.
I got really nervous. We used to call restaurants all the time.
We used to call anybody. We called for no reason.
It was so dumb. You know what we do? We call a restaurant and we make a fucking huge reservation for that night.
We thought that was funny. Why is that funny? Like 40 people are coming and they're like, whoa, okay, we'll put a bunch of tables together.
So dumb. We were fucking kids.
We were like 12. We thought that was insane.
We're like, we're going to fuck up their whole business. You know what? You fucking pranksters, man.
Little bad boys. Yeah, I don't like it.
We usually do. You know what we would do? We would just call random numbers.
Me and my friend Sean would just friend sean would just call we'd pick a number pick your local area code just hit a random number just start talking to somebody what about those kids that threw the rocks they would go to a bridge these six kids hit a guy killed a guy yeah and they took the rock and threw it over the bridge hit a car killed the guy and those six kids now but not all of the kids picked up the rock what do you do in that situation well if there was somebody there that wasn't a part of it yeah they're like like we'll take turns me and Carlos will do the first one fine nothing hits and then now it's Jules and Andrew's turn you guys hit a car kill somebody do me and Carlos go to prison fuck yes all of us go together we all go down together we didn't do that we we aimed correctly you were there my dog yeah we didn't even want to throw the rock you guys made us do it oh that's your already see you're a fucking some would argue some would argue we threw it correctly you guys missed we get a lesser sentence though i think you do yeah well wait yes your fingerprints on it yeah but we would her and i would tell the judge that you guys were with us doing it as well. Why would you rat us out? You're here, baby.
You're going down with us. You're going down with the ship, dog.
Would we rat them out? No. No, we wouldn't rat you out.
What if you killed the guy? The fuck you would, and I see it in your eyes. No, we wouldn't rat you out.
You're the cops. Go ahead.
Ask us.

What happened today?

Carlos, we fucked up, man.

We do this as a prank.

We really didn't mean to hit anybody. What about Jetski and Santino?

What do they got to do with this?

Who?

The redheaded guy and the girl with the glasses.

I didn't know them.

They were standing right here with you.

We booked them with you.

And they were just walking by.

You guys were going to hike.

They got nothing to do with it?

No.

Well, that's interesting.

They told us that they showed up with you guys.

Well, I mean, they're liars.

Oh, now.

Dude.

Welcome to police investigations.

Yeah.

They fuck with people.

They fuck with people.

They do that all the time.

Oh, they do.

They told us that you guys showed up together.

No, they're lying.

I don't know what the problem is.

I literally don't know them.

Hmm. Yeah.
They also said that they were the ones that threw the rock not you guys no we did we did it you threw the rock and killed that man yep they said they did it andrew and well i mean they're crazy i don't know hmm yeah so you're taking the fall yeah it's three life sentences for each of you because there were three people in the car. Wait, wait, wait.

Three life sentences? Oh, yeah. With no chance of parole.
No chance of parole?

Yeah, nothing. I won't die alone.

You'll die with me.

We're going to share the fucking same cell.

That's not how they do it. They're going to send it to different

prisons. No, sometimes you can go

together, I think. We can't

request it.

Yeah, you can't go, hey, can we... we your honor can we get locked up at the same place yeah you can request anything yeah you could yeah you can request anything that's not that's what they're gonna give it to you yeah yeah you can request an espresso machine too but they're not gonna give it to you all right yeah so who threw the rock we, I knew it.
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. You know what I would have done? What? You ask me.
So who threw the rock? George Kimmel. No, no, no, no.
See, listen to how he's getting defensive. He threw the rock already with the fucking voice.
Right, no, no, no, no, no, no. Immediately, the cop's like, yeah, he did it.
Listen to him. Yeah.
Crazy fuck. But those kids deserve, not life deserve not life though yeah sure you took a life why not you take a life you get life yeah but they're it's in the same um feeling of pranks right as that you did with the phones yeah but the phones wasn't gonna maybe kill someone on accident i think you know you're old enough to know that when you huck a rock over a bridge if you try to if you hit a car something to happen.
That is true. I did that in Houston.
What? Not off a bridge. I threw like a couple bricks with my friend Gabe off a parking garage.
Do you want this on film? Yeah but I mean no one died so it's okay. Okay.
Alright. What was the pleasure of that? It wasn't a prank though that's what I'm getting at.
It's like you think it's like a prank. This was more just like boredom in the city.
You were bored so you try to hit somebody with a brick I was just trying to see what it was the mentality of a serial killer I know I was a kid that's when it starts we never did that yeah I was kids too I never threw bricks at people never did that it's not New York City I was just throwing it onto a street it was like five or I thought you said you were aiming at somebody no no no I was just like tossing it to see what would happen was there cars there were cars yeah no one got hurt though I know but my point is he knows in your mind though could you think that maybe someone could have got it hurt and you wouldn't care no I would have cared then why would you do it the assumption was that nobody would get hit he's just moving he's moving with the assumption that's insane that's crazy that's crazy guy it's crazy behavior and by the way yeah you are getting life now now i take it all back bobby you're free to go so i go you're free yeah you're going alone yeah what else did you do if you did that what else did you grow up in texas because he grew up wealthy let's get that straight and wealthy kids get bored and they do creepy shit right they go to the forest they go out to the forest they collect forest. They collect animals, go to the shed.
They touch them. Yeah.
I think- Weirdo stuff. Touch them.
You guys touch them. Sexually touch them.
Yeah, you do. I would run from the cops.
That's fine. That's fine.
That's fine. What else did you do weird? Weird.
Yeah. I almost went to a glory hole in Houston once.
I actually did it in LA, but in Houston, that was scarier. Now, were you the glory or were you the hole?

I was the glory.

So, wait, you were going to get pumped?

Yeah, I was the one. No, you were pumpy.

You were pumper.

Yeah, I was.

So, there's a glory hole place in LA.

You sign up.

You just go, hey, here for the glory hole.

And you walk in and you just.

It was on Craigslist.

Whoa.

And it was like the middle of the night.

This I like.

Go ahead.

And I go to this apartment complex in Silver Lake. And they're like, middle of the night this i like this go ahead and i go to this uh apartment complex in silver lake and they're like go to the laundry room so i go to the laundry room and i close the door behind me and there's like a sheet with a hole stop stop this is good let him go what are you doing it's so insane stop it and next to it is like a dell laptop oh it's always a dell and it's like playing porn and it's like very generic porn it's not like anything cool or anything like that got it and uh i put my dick in in the laptop no no in the hole right yeah obviously and uh i felt like a little stubble and i went i gotta get out of here did you think it was slow down slow down slow down did you think it was Kate Moss behind there or some fucking dude well here's the thing it was news how many sucks how many licks did it take to get to the center of your sensitive side 10 10 sucks I had stubble all right yeah it was either a guy or an armenian you thought a girl was posting on craigslist i'm gonna i want to suck i was i was like 23 i didn't know that it was like a gay thing i thought yeah had you ever talked yeah you did yeah you did have you talked to any of your friends about it at the time not at the time but i've told friends since for the last so you put it through the hole it felt good what made you the stubble made you stop would you not have stopped if he was clean shaven i think i wouldn't have right exactly right yeah what type of porn was playing what type of porn straight straight okay well because yeah because they i think is the appeal is that it's a straight guy.

Right.

Right.

And you were a bad boy.

I mean, it's not all on your definition.

Do you want to change the story now?

Or do you want to stick with your story?

Do you want to tell us the truth that you finished or no?

I didn't finish.

I promise that.

I've gone this far into the ice.

He didn't finish in the room.

You take that home? Did you joke off later? No, I was so confused. What was the confusion? The stubble.
I was like, I think I went into uncharted territory. But I mean, what's confusing? You guys sucked your cock.
That's what happened to you. Well, it was like the first time.
So I was like. There is no way that you knew.
Didn't finish. That's what I said.
Not only didn't finish. There is no way that you didn't know it was a dude behind there I really didn't know there's no way that's it that's ready he walks in the room yeah hello hi do you like the porn you have a really deep voice oh yeah I'm sick go ahead and put your cock through the hole.
Yeah. I think they don't talk on purpose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane.
The idea that you couldn't just... I bet you, by the way, the sheet was just hung...
You could just see the guy when you walked in. Yeah.
Don't walk behind the curtain. Wait, the sheet...
It was nighttime. Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, nighttime? Yeah. It was pitch black in there.
You're walking around. Ooh, what's going on? Except for the hue from the light of the point.
Yeah, wait, wait. Oh, night time? Yeah.
It was pitch black in there. You're like walking around.

Ooh, what's going on?

Except for the hue from the light of the porn.

Yeah, from the bright.

And so it was a sheet, right?

Like a black sheet.

With a black sheet now?

Yeah.

Oh, now it's black.

Did he say it was black before?

He did not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was white before.

Yeah.

George heard white.

It was white before.

I also pictured a white sheet.

Yeah, me too.

I pictured it was a white sheet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honestly. By the way, by the way.
Pull up a sheet. It was a hole for the mouth and it was two eye holes.
It was just a ghost. All right.
So 10, 10, 10, 10, and you were done. Yeah.
Did you ever go back to another glory hole since? You said you went to another one, I thought. Yeah, I went to one in Santa Monica years later.
Okay, what is the- Lesson wasn't learned. Oh, no.
What did you do in the second one? No, the lesson was definitely not learned. I was like, maybe this time.
What happened in Santa Monica? I went to this hotel off Pico in Lincoln. Pico in Lincoln?

Yeah, not a great area.

I was going to say, what's going on up there?

Exactly.

So I go into the hotel and I get directions.

So when you go in, the situation is by the closet.

Is this Craigslist as well?

I think this was like a legit escort.

Oh, this was an escort.

This isn't like a person.

No, no, no.

This was like a low-end escort website.

It wasn't like- You know what it was called. What was it called? I think it was Backpage at the time.
like a person. No, no, no.
This was like a low-end escort website. It wasn't like-

You know what it was called.

What was it called?

I think it was Backpage at the time.

Yeah, he knows what the fuck it is.

I like how he pretends like he didn't know what it was.

No, his Backpage is gone.

I saw the man earlier on this.

Carlos, look at me right now.

I want to say one thing to you.

I'm telling you the truth.

I know.

I want to say one thing to you.

This is why you're going to die.

No, no, no.

Don't do that.

He's adventurous. No, he's adventurous, dude.
Yeah adventurous yeah I'm brave I'm adventurous finish the story so you go Santa Monica what I go to the closet and I you go back in the closet so literal imagine how you're addicted to the thrill I would be afraid of getting murdered yeah you're addicted to the thrill of it I get what it is I mean I think I would get murdered That sounds like I'm going to get murdered Yeah this guy's nuts I'm so afraid someone's going to be like So in the directions it says Hey come to this hotel Yeah I'm in this room The door will be unlocked already And walk up to the closet and there'll be another there'll be a

sheet there's another big sheet stuff it's the same guy same guy same guy hey good to see you again no no just a couple hey a couple of socks and he goes Carlos?

Alright, so look.

Sheet.

Sheet in the closet.

So I put my dick in. Mm-hmm.
This time, I finished. Mm-hmm.
And I was like, on the way home, I was like, that was probably a guy. It was, yeah.
And then I was like, okay, got that over with, I guess. You knocked it it out yeah but no no payment was needed no but i'm also like chill about gay shit like i had a guy like come on to me in an uber he like he like kissed me and i like kissed back for like the fun of it wait what do you mean in an uber you was in sharing an uber i was in an uber with a co-worker and i kissed back because i didn't want him to feel like i was homophobic or something george who did what co-worker no it wasn't it fancy it was at vanderpump dogs at the dog rescue and there's like this so you guys were taking an uber were you drinking was he drinking he was drinking and he just turned you and started kissing you drinking too you were yeah and he just turned and kissed you yeah like tongue everything it was crazy and like was crazy.
And like, I didn't want to be like, oh, gay, and like push him off. Like, you're a hag.
Like, I didn't want to do that, so I went into like acting mode. And you acted like you liked it.
Yeah, I was like Kate Winslet or something, or like MTV Best Kids. That's an interesting actress.
Yeah, Kate Winslet. Why Kate Winslet? Well, because he's Tom Hardy.
So beautiful before. Well, I wanted to give a good performance.
That's why I was thinking of a good actor. Right.
Daniel Day-Lewis? It's just in common. No, no, he's Kate Winslet.
Okay. So you got into character, Kate.
Yeah. And at any point, did art imitate life? Or life imitate art? Did you start to go, maybe that was okay i like that no i didn't get

hard and then i um i believe i know i texted my friend elizabeth and i was like this guy at work

just like made out with me in a car but i kissed back it's all weird and like weird as in i'm

curious my feelings it was just weird like i was like me too like a me too situation almost you

felt threatened you felt like you were powerless you felt this person took advantage of you yeah definitely but you just said you kissed back though too did you like it you didn't like it i didn't like it didn't like it survival skill right like when i was in bed with the casting director on molly i was just like survival skill trying to get out of it wait wait wait stop you were. Stop.
You were... I was at a party...
Oh, wait, wait. You were with a casting director? A big one.
And you did it for what? So you can get an acting part? No, I was at a party that he was also at. Oh, it was a he? Yeah, it was a male casting director.
Can I ask you something, Carlos? Yeah. Are you gay? No.
Carlos? I promise I'm i'm not gay it's fine we don't we support you are you bisexual are you bisexual i feel i'm i don't think i am but i think if sexuality is on a spectrum i'm probably like more how did you end up in bed with the casting director i took drugs and then i've taken a lot of drugs i've never been a gastric. It was my first time taking ecstasy.
Right. It is fun.
Yeah. And I was in that moment with the ecstasy where it was very overpowering and I couldn't leave the bed.
And this guy got in bed and was like, come on, baby. Please, please, or whatever.
And he's kissing me and I felt very taken advantage of. Right.
So what'd you do? I was just kind of like pushing him away. And then after that part, though.
Yeah, we didn't hook up. Let's be real, dude.
No, I promise we didn't. Nothing happened.
You didn't go. Did you get hard? You got turned on.
I didn't get. He pushed him away, pushing felt so good Get back over here Come back.
I feel like that's how I know though. Right.
Don't get hard with men. Right Yeah that's one of the ways I guess that's one of the ways.
That's insane That's great. You know what? I've learned a lot about you.
And now after all this given knowledge. Yeah.
knowledge yeah will he die alone yes all right what do you think no i think he's gonna find i think he's gonna fall in love i think he might meet someone that's uh you know maybe someone trans maybe you maybe fall in love with someone trans and you get best of both worlds i'll tell you what on like dating apps i always accidentally swipe right on trans accidentally And and then but no no wait what do you mean accidentally because i'm like oh hot girl and i swipe right and i'm like wait a second i saw tra let me go back and see if it really you know he you know he tells himself whoops just so he goes oh whoops he says it knowing right i was an accident that makes him feel better i love you dude oh whoops well whoops. Well, I'm glad you have clarity.
Very interesting. Well, I want to say this.
I do hope we get one more glory hole story by the end of the season of this year. So maybe enact it.
Okay. I'd love to hear one more glory hole story out of you.
I'm sure I can find it. Do you think you have a sexual addiction? Or an addiction to the excitement something about like yeah i mean i i i feel the same way it was i understand that excitement it's almost as if like the excitement is you know building up to the mystery of what's going to happen is better than the actual event oh always right it's always but right so i understand that like when i'm on dates and stuff like that's like's like, what's going to happen? I get that.
Yeah. But to me, it's like there's a limit, right? I feel like you're taking it to the next level.
Yeah. I mean, it's not like, you know, yesterday I was doing this, but I've definitely had times in my 20s.
Because you've had struggles with drug addiction and alcoholism. I think you and I have the same kind of like, you know, problems.
Not problems, but yeah, yeah, problems, I would say, you know, and I just say, do you think that you need help in any kind of way or you're fine? I don't think I need help. Okay.
Yeah. Let's move on.
Good. Okay, good.
We love you. A part of the show.
Please stay part of the show because you're fucking crazy as fuck. I love you.
I love you too. I feel like I just admitted to like a drug addiction.
You did.

Oh. It's okay.

We'll get you. You work hard enough.

I'm so glad that the episode turned this way. Yeah, it really got good.
Juicy, sign us out.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.