The Suckerblow!

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Speaker 3 Hey, bad friends, I know you're not not gonna believe me, but I have a huge update for all of you. The bad friends tour is finally here.
We locked our dates.

Speaker 3 We're gonna be around the country, 30 cities between April and June, and we can wait to go and meet you all in person.

Speaker 3 You can get tickets tomorrow at 12 p.m. on live nation.com or clicking on the link in the description below.
It's gonna be awesome, and we can wait to be on the road with all of you.

Speaker 3 And for those of you who have have been asking me constantly about the course, the podcasting course that we're doing in LA, I know, I know I'm not responding, it's too overwhelming sometimes.

Speaker 3 Uh, but we're doing it again. I know the first one sold out super uh fast, and we wanted to give that experience to as many people as as possible.

Speaker 3 So, we're doing it again in April, and we'll do a longer one, a lab in the summer. If you are curious about it and want to learn how to be a producer, uh, go to sevenekis.net and check us out.

Speaker 3 Also, happy Monday. Enjoy the show.
I'm not going to be here today, but you guys will have Carlos and you'll learn a lot of things about Carlos. So wait until the end and you'll find me later.

Speaker 3 Again, enjoy the show. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 4 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 4 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. The episode is off to a hot start.
A lot better than the last episode with all the students. Thanks Thanks a lot, Fancy B.
You're fired.

Speaker 2 Fancy B is, of course, gone because he brought in 37 people into our studio. That's about 200 square feet.
So George is back in attack. George, thanks for coming here.

Speaker 2 And he's backed by his trusty Mexican steed, Carloso. Carlosa.
So I woke up this morning and I knew that we had a pod, and I'm super sick, and I don't know what I have.

Speaker 2 We have a COVID test going, but I had to come because Andrew's a Hollywood star, and I forget, you know, we're clearly. Here's the deal.
Here's the deal, man. The real deal, is this, right?

Speaker 2 I mean, let's get real. California Hospital is still stressed.
Has flu, RSV, COVID remain at its highest?

Speaker 2 Exactly. And here's the deal, dude.
It's like, you know, sometimes, you know, you start a podcast with somebody and they're at your level.

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden, you know, you plant the seed and it turns into a star. Right.
And that's what we got here, baby.

Speaker 2 And let's give Andrew Santino a round of applause because he's going to work non-stop from here on out, right? With his fucking... What are you doing?

Speaker 2 I just want to put some of that in the sky because you're talking this way.

Speaker 2 I'll suck this way, right? Yeah. And I really, it's not...
Why do you do that? You think it's a resentment? I was going to say something similar.

Speaker 2 You think it's hostility coming out of mind?

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry. I love them.

Speaker 2 No, let's be real. Let's be real for a second as a family.
Thank you, Carlos. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's be real.

Speaker 2 Let's be real. All right.
Good news is you do not have COVID. Thank you so much.
And let's be real. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 You have herpes.

Speaker 2 This is, I got a dual test. I've had it.
Yeah, I know. I know.
It just

Speaker 2 reminds me. Listen, let's go.
Woohoo! Had to cover it up.

Speaker 2 Had to go back on it. Anyway, congratulations.

Speaker 4 I think you're faking for attention because Andrew's getting a lot of attention right now.

Speaker 2 Love Juicy so much. She's on to something.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I get it.

Speaker 4 I hope you are because I hate to see you sick.

Speaker 2 It's good. I understand everything.
Love the juicy. Did I not give you a raise today?

Speaker 2 I love you so much, Bobby. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's interesting. Your boss gives you a raise and you slam him after that.

Speaker 4 That's why you hired me. You like it.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 We do actually like it. I like it a lot.

Speaker 2 I gave you the raise, by the way. Not him.
No, he did.

Speaker 2 It makes me so angry. You were gone when I gave her the raise, you piece.
She asked me, she goes, do you think it's okay if I ask Bobby about the raise? I said, of course.

Speaker 2 She goes, I want to make him feel like you're not. When it comes to any good things with our employees and stuff, I'm the guy that does it.
You have it.

Speaker 2 You spend zero amount of time on anybody but yourself, and that's a fact. You've never done anything for these guys.
Never.

Speaker 4 He did another thing huge for me, though. What? I have my first big audition coming up.

Speaker 2 Can I talk about that? You want me to get it so bad. Did you defend me every once in a while when he just said that? I just did.
Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 That's what I did. This piece of shit.
You know what I mean? Idiot. It's so when you say things, it's so, you know, it makes me so angry and I'm so sick.
I can't defend myself.

Speaker 2 You couldn't if you weren't.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What is wrong with you today, dude? We are bad friends today.
Yeah, we are.

Speaker 2 I hate you. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. I love you.

Speaker 2 Juicy last night did a taping for Don't Tell Comedy that should be out soon with a bunch of our friends.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I met Chris O'Connor for the first time.

Speaker 2 And Joey Avery. I I love Chris.
Yeah, I heard you did very good. Oh, good.

Speaker 4 I kind of blacked out. I've never done

Speaker 4 taping before, and all I could think about on stage is

Speaker 4 all the cameras.

Speaker 2 Well, I heard that you said you blacked out. Connie told me that you said you felt like you blacked out, or Joey said you felt like you blacked out during the set, but I heard you did very well.

Speaker 2 Santa Barbara, no less, a very astute place to do comedy. Yeah, no, it was cold.
It was a little stuffy, though, huh?

Speaker 4 It was outside, cold. Yeah, a little stuffy.

Speaker 2 I've never played

Speaker 2 You've never been to Santa Barbara to do shows? I've been there. I've just never done shows there.
I did a show back in the day with

Speaker 2 me, Theo, and somebody else years and years and years ago. And it was like a bar room.
A guy used to have a bar show up there. And it was great because it was UCSB kids.

Speaker 2 But I've heard horror stories of going up there because it's, you know, Santa Barbara is like rich, really. It's like, it's like Beverly Hills Plus.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they laugh like this.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, they do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They laugh Japanese.

Speaker 4 Hold their pinkies out.

Speaker 2 I love when the Japanese do that.

Speaker 2 And then they cover their. You know what? It's so funny.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. Can I say it about the Japanese? Please.

Speaker 2 Love Japanese. They used to laugh with their hands over their face.

Speaker 2 They've had COVID the whole time.

Speaker 2 Is that why they do that? Think about it.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Right? They've had COVID the whole time. Wow.
Yeah. That's why.

Speaker 2 And you know how COVID spread? One girl forgot to do it.

Speaker 2 Deaths.

Speaker 2 7,000 deaths. 7,000 deaths.
Wow. It's incredible.
I got taught about something,

Speaker 2 a good fact I learned. Google this.
This is pretty insane. What is that? Can jealousy physically make you ill? According to Jonathan DeVosh, neuroscientist.
Carliversia.

Speaker 2 Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. The sympathetic nerve system buckles under the stress of jealousy, quickening the heart and spiking.

Speaker 2 Blood pressure. Pretty wild.

Speaker 2 Can I say something?

Speaker 5 I know that symptoms can be mimics.

Speaker 2 Okay, you know what, dude? I swear to fucking God right now, dude. Oh, we're on the we're on the wrong foot.
I got

Speaker 2 I got you tobacco Copenhagen. He did.
Yeah, you did. And I gave you $100 for it.
I tried to give you the hundred. I know, but I get to keep it.
So my point is, is this, okay?

Speaker 2 My point is this. Stop this.
And you know what? I'm going to address it now. I'm just trying to.
I'm going to address it now.

Speaker 4 Got it. What are the 10 tips to overcome it?

Speaker 2 Click on the link. Don't cough this way.

Speaker 2 Cough this way.

Speaker 2 Cough this this way.

Speaker 2 Anyway, cough this way.

Speaker 2 Listen, I was jealous of you.

Speaker 2 Why? Let me just get this off my chest. We don't go off of the same stuff.

Speaker 2 Well, you're laughing. I'm just, can you not defend yourself and let me express myself? That'd be cool.
Okay, I'll wait till you're done attacking me. Then I'll fucking.
I'm not attacking you.

Speaker 2 This is a pure apology. Okay, go ahead.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I was.

Speaker 2 I did call my agents the other day and I go, hey, man, what's going on? Andrew's booking all these things. Right.
And they're like, calm down. And I go, I'm calm.
And then I called my sponsor, M.A.A.

Speaker 2 sponsor. And he goes, do you love Andrew? I go, I do.
And he goes, are you happy for him? I go, you know what? I genuinely am happy for him. I think you're so talented.

Speaker 2 When I see you on stage performing, and dude, I saw half of Cheeseburger. So good.

Speaker 2 Thanks. No, I'm being real.
It's so

Speaker 2 tough well, too. Whoever directed that, I wanted to direct mine, maybe.
Shut up. No, I'm being real.
I directed it. That's great.
You did that? I did it. That's incredible.
Can you direct my special?

Speaker 2 Come on. Be real.
I'm being serious.

Speaker 2 Honestly, dude, I'm sick right now. And you know, so you can stop this.
I genuinely

Speaker 2 am so happy for you. I love you.
And I know. Thank you.
And it couldn't have happened to a better guy. Okay.
Don't be.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not going over the top. This is the last thing I'm going to say.
Okay. And we don't have to talk about it again, right?

Speaker 2 I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 2 I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it.

Speaker 2 I knew it. Just couldn't go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoot myself in the face with a shotgun.
So one. No, I'm really happy for you.
But if you do kill yourself, can I have your house? Yes. All right.

Speaker 2 You know, I feel terrible.

Speaker 4 You're going to Hawaii soon.

Speaker 2 You go high.

Speaker 4 Hey, I was trying to be nice to you.

Speaker 2 I go to Hawaii soon for what, what, what, what, what? What's going on? Back up here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the guys go to Hawaii. The guy goes to Hawaii like nine times a year.
I get one fucking movie. He's like, well,

Speaker 2 gotta go go do it. Wait, you're such a fucking brat.
You live in Hawaii half the fucking year.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I go one little thing.

Speaker 4 What if Andrew becomes like the next Brad Pitt and then he puts you in all his movies?

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't think Brad Pitt puts anybody in any movies, by the way. Well, you mean

Speaker 2 Sandler, Sandog.

Speaker 4 Yeah, like Sandlock.

Speaker 2 Is it?

Speaker 2 Every time I'm not at the store, Tarantino's there. Yeah, last night he was there again.
I I saw that on Instagram. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never been there when he's there. Yeah, yeah.
Every time I'm there, not there. No.
Yeah. But every time I'm not there, and he's always hanging out with me.

Speaker 2 When you were there, Ron Jeremy was there.

Speaker 2 Every time. Passed out in the back.
Every time. Yeah, yeah.
You know, he's in prison for the rest of his life. I know.
He looks terrible. Have you seen? Remember, he used to snore in the back? 100%.

Speaker 2 He would fall asleep in the room. He would fall asleep in the bucket seats.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, was he drunk or high? I don't remember. Holy shit.
That's what he looks like. Yeah, he looks terrible.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he looks terrible.
Oh my Yeah, look at him.

Speaker 2 All right, well, can I be honest? Yeah, I think this is a this is bullshit.

Speaker 4 He looks like a Morton Jackson.

Speaker 2 Wait, you don't think that's him? No, I think that's him, but I think no, I think it's not the Illuminati. No, I do think that's him.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, I think he quickly let himself go once he found out he was definitely gonna get busted for all of his crimes. So he's trying to use, you know, Harvey Weinstein.

Speaker 2 It's like they use their like, I'm just old, I might die. Don't put me away in the bad place.
It's like, you did so much bad stuff. They got you, dude.
It's like when he dyed his hair gray.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like look at this thing. Like this whole fucking thing.
Like he was walking like a

Speaker 2 riot.

Speaker 2 It's great because, you know, sometimes I use the

Speaker 2 bathrooms, the public bathrooms with the, you know, with the handicap thing. Yeah.
And then I take a shit in there.

Speaker 2 And then when I walk out, there's a handicap person, you know what I mean, waiting for it. And then I do a walk.

Speaker 2 You do a little walk. Oh, yeah.
I have to do a walk because you have to feel.

Speaker 2 You can't. I don't want to get in confrontation with the guy.
What would he say? Okay, listen. I'm in a wheelchair.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You walk out normal.

Speaker 2 I see you. Right.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm doing a wheelie to stop you.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Bye.
And I leave. But then I wheel in.
Yeah, yeah. I look in the toilet bowl and I see

Speaker 2 it's not a handicap guy shit. And I wheel back.
Wait, you can't tell by poo? Oh, yeah. Can you tell by poo? I think that's how they find out when they're young.
Oh, you know what, dude?

Speaker 2 You can check their poo. You can taste it, and you can tell.
You know, I would poo tard light. Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You can poo tard light. Sure, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, man.

Speaker 2 Look, I want you to look something up that I learned that was wild. There was a guy, Bobby, that bought Hitler's bed and he sleeps in it every day.

Speaker 2 Google this guy. This is a real man, man who sleeps in Hitler's bed.

Speaker 4 It's Kanye.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This dude bought Hitler's actual bed and he sleeps in it. What? Every day of his life.

Speaker 2 Just a little, just snoozing on Hitler's bed. And he's like the biggest collector of Hitler memorabilia, this dude.
And he sleeps in Hitler's bed. Is he?

Speaker 2 Can you imagine? Is he racist? No, he just likes Hitler. Oh, I get it.
He also has this wax figure. Look at it.
He has a wax figure of Hitler in his crib.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yo,

Speaker 2 imagine you go to like a cute little Airbnb.

Speaker 2 You walk in and this fucking guy.

Speaker 2 Or imagine this guy, like, he's on a dating site and he just loves. He brings a Jewish girl over for dinner.
It's insane. Yeah, yeah, like Sarah Silverman.
There's Hitler's bed bed right there. Where?

Speaker 2 Right there.

Speaker 2 That's his bed. There it is.
Oh, queen size. Or is that a full? It looks like a full.
I think a full is a queen, eh?

Speaker 6 What's the difference? No, it's smaller.

Speaker 2 What's the difference? Oh, so it goes single,

Speaker 2 we should be asking her.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Tell us how the beds go.
Single, full, queen, king, right? California. California king.

Speaker 4 Texas king.

Speaker 2 Wait, there's a Texas king?

Speaker 4 Oh, there's a bunch of kings.

Speaker 2 Kings range in different ways, but I have a California king. I have a California king.
Is Texas King bigger?

Speaker 4 I think Texas King is the biggest.

Speaker 2 It's got to be. I want a Texas King.

Speaker 2 Is there a difference? I can't tell. A California King is just wider than it is along.

Speaker 5 Texas is 14 inches wider.

Speaker 2 Whoa, even wider.

Speaker 4 And eight inches longer.

Speaker 2 Whoa, we got to get a Texas king. Oh, we didn't get a Texas king.
Can I tell you the problem, though? Not enough places make fabrics to fit that.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's true. You can't get shots.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 right, right, right. You can't go to.
Where do you get your fabrics?

Speaker 2 I go down to downtown downtown L.A. to the

Speaker 2 fabric district.

Speaker 2 And I have them hand-stitch it for me. So I go to Bed, Bath, Beyond.
That's not a good place. Well, I'm going to the Beyond part.
Downtown L.A.

Speaker 2 You're just going to Bed and Bath. I'm actually going to the Beyond.
Oh, the Beyond part. And it's just a little tiny girl.
She has one eye. And I don't know.
Oh, she's.

Speaker 2 She's kind of cycloptic. I don't even know what language she speaks, but she just kind of clicks at me.
And boop, boop, boop, bishop.

Speaker 2 The clicks are probably her horse feet. Oh, and she's walking towards you.
Yeah, yeah. yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I just tell her what I want, and she makes it. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what she sounds like. But she's talking backwards.
What you have to do is, I've met people like that. Yeah.
What you have to do is you have to record them slowly.

Speaker 2 Go home and then reverse it.

Speaker 4 Shit. Yeah.
Yeah, you don't want to do it in front of them.

Speaker 2 You can't do it in front of them. It's rude.
Because you think it's rude. It's like Google translating in front of them.

Speaker 2 No, come on, Juice. That was easy.

Speaker 4 Yeah, go ahead. I'm very jealous of Andrew.

Speaker 2 She brings it back. The kid is full circle when it comes to writing jokes.
There's no doubt about that.

Speaker 4 I'm practicing my memory. Sorry.

Speaker 2 It's okay. Alzheimer's runs in her family.
She wants to make sure she's ahead of me. Really? Yeah.
Enjoy.

Speaker 2 You're at the bad friend studio. Sometimes you just have to tell her because she'll forget where she is.
When does the Don't Tell Comedy set come out?

Speaker 4 Probably a couple months. And I think I'll just take some clips from it.
And then when the clubs, what's happening is I get into a club and then they'll find anything online to post of me.

Speaker 4 And then people, I'm reaching an audience. not like the bad friends family.
Everyone's like really awesome.

Speaker 4 Even the people who don't like me in the fan base are like, I know who doesn't like you in the fan base. Well, they're even nice.
They'll be like, I don't really find her funny, but she's very nice.

Speaker 4 Like, that's the kind of hate comment.

Speaker 2 Don't read it. I know.
What are you reading that shit for?

Speaker 4 I'm going to stop because now I'm reaching like strangers, like people that don't know anything about me. And the comments are like, die.

Speaker 4 I hope you die.

Speaker 2 I hate your guts.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Please die. Yeah, don't read it.
Kill yourself. Like, I get a lot of really here's what's wild about

Speaker 2 who's wild about all those comments that say die you will so it's like just wait oh you're right

Speaker 2 you know i always say wait just chill out yeah i'm gonna will you cool it stop telling me what i'm gonna do yeah yeah and also it's like my life has been so much happier not reading any of that i have to read it

Speaker 2 no dude i don't i couldn't care less i couldn't well i care that's why i don't want reread it yeah i don't care i think it's fucking nonsensical it's all but then you get good messages too Like, Cameo reached out to me.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're going to do some cams?

Speaker 4 They sent me an email saying they work with you and how to have great success. I'm sorry.
This wasn't a slam to you, Bob.

Speaker 2 I don't do Cameo.

Speaker 4 No, I know, and I didn't think the.

Speaker 2 I could read you the conversation I've had. They've reached out to me every week for the last five years.
And I say, no, every week. You know what's so weird? Is they viewed.

Speaker 2 Someone else has said that to me.

Speaker 2 I don't do cameo. You do cameo.
I've ordered a cameo from you. Yeah.
I've never done it.

Speaker 2 I don't do cameo. And they say that

Speaker 2 I do and I was like, I don't do it.

Speaker 2 And there are Chicago people that started it. And then years ago, when they first started,

Speaker 2 the person that started it like signed me up for it and was like, you got to do one. And I got all these requests.
And I think I might have done

Speaker 2 one.

Speaker 2 And then immediately when I did it, I quit. I was like, no, thank you.
And I never even got paid because the money had to go through like Zelle at the time or something. And I didn't have one.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I'm not, I don't know what that is. It was brand new.
So I immediately was like, no, thank you. And since then, they've never stopped being like, why would you come back? Come back.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I don't, I just, I don't. I can't.

Speaker 4 We should probably cut this out, but they said that you make up to like a hundred thousand a year.

Speaker 2 Me? Wow.

Speaker 4 I don't know if I'm misquoting the email.

Speaker 2 But what's crazy is you can look, I'm not on it. I know, unless someone is doing it for me.
I mean, that would be

Speaker 2 making a ton of money. I'm not on it.
Floyd Mayweather. 15 grand.
15,000?

Speaker 4 That's what I'll do. Then I'll never have to make one.

Speaker 2 It's actually kind of tight. I'm sure somebody's bought it from him before, though.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah. Some fucking grand.
Yeah, some guy from Dubai, some prince of Dubai. Those guys have so much money.
I daydream in the shower about one of them buying me as a human.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I have daydreams in the shower where like some Dubai prince is like, I will buy you. I can buy you.
And I'm like, yeah, do it. He's like, you will be my slave.
I will buy you.

Speaker 2 You do what I want. And I was like, do it.
And he gives me money. And then I have to fly to Dubai Dubai and do whatever he wants.

Speaker 2 Whenever, like, in the middle of the day, he'll be like, dance for us for hours. And I will.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. And I'll do it.
Yeah. I got to be there with you.
You're coming. You don't, first of all, you don't have a choice.

Speaker 2 The moment I get paid, I'm calling you and I'm going, buddy, we got bought by Dubai. And I'm going to go, woohoo! Right.
And we're going to go to Dubai, you and I. Your first class.

Speaker 2 I'm in the overhead compartment. No, no, no.
You're sitting on my lap. No, overhead compartment.

Speaker 2 Overhead. How about this? We'll trade.
I'll sit on your lap. All right.
right. All right.
We go, right? And then all of a sudden, I got the coins. Do I bring coins? Why would we bring coins?

Speaker 2 I don't know what they use there. Money?

Speaker 2 They do. They have money like you.
How about pebbles? They use pebbles too. Yeah.
Rubies.

Speaker 2 Don't don't. You have to Google it.
You don't have to Google it. One? You have to Google it.
It ruins the comedy. Right?

Speaker 2 So, anyway. No, but by the way, did you see that? What? What is it called there? The Durham? Yeah.
So I bring their Durham. Look at how much money we could make there.

Speaker 2 That's incredible. United States, one Durham is only worth a quarter of our money.
So then

Speaker 2 we'd get four times our money. Did you tell them beforehand that you're bringing me, or when we get there, you're going to say, I brought him? They'll just know.
They'll just assume.

Speaker 2 Oh, so we're a package deal. We are a package deal.
They already know that. We are a package deal.
Do I get my own room?

Speaker 2 We share. Oh,

Speaker 2 but can I tell you in the contract? It's Texas King bed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should have plenty of room. Yeah, yeah.
I got to wear one of those. What are the garments they wear?

Speaker 2 I like the headpieces. Would you share a bed with me if we had to travel like that? Or would it be too hard? If you and I were like in Auschwitz, I would.
What?

Speaker 2 Why would we be there?

Speaker 2 Back in the day, I've thought about that. In the 40s, if we were Jews, I would share a bed with you.
Thank you. It would keep each other warm.
What's so funny?

Speaker 4 In a Holocaust is the only situation.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, like outside. No, no, no, no, no.
I know where. I know where we are.

Speaker 2 Amistad.

Speaker 2 Oh, Amistad. You and I, yeah, but you know why?

Speaker 2 Because they're going to throw us off overboard.

Speaker 2 I know it. They would throw us overboard, right? And I would need to be with you.
Can you imagine you and I on a boat? They would kill us so fast. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 If it was like a boat of pirates and they captured us and they were trying to like use us as ransom, within an hour, they would be sick of our bullshit.

Speaker 2 They would throw you and I overboard immediately. Would you rather have been tied or would you rather be loose?

Speaker 2 What do you mean and thrown into the ocean? Yeah, I don't want to be tied and thrown in the ocean because I mean, but I want to give me a shot.

Speaker 2 I would get into an argument with a guy with a gun just to shoot me. I'd be like, just shoot me.
I'm not, I don't want to drown. I'd much ra- dude drowning is my actual nightmare.

Speaker 2 There was a video that I saw online.

Speaker 2 This guy, these guys that swim, they put a hole in the water and they swim under, up to another hole. You know what I'm talking about, George?

Speaker 2 These people, they like, they do swimming in frozen fucking lakes.

Speaker 2 And they will swim under the ice, dude. It is my anxiety nightmare.
And then one dude couldn't find his way out and they were trying to break the ice and they couldn't get through.

Speaker 2 And he almost didn't fucking make it. Look at this, though.
Holy shit.

Speaker 2 They'll literally punch one hole and punch another hole and they'll swim down through the ice why do they always look like adam divine

Speaker 2 they always look like adam divine they did

Speaker 2 they do

Speaker 2 that does there's adam

Speaker 7 there's thump hoff did it and his eyeballs like froze over or something so he couldn't even see what like halfway through his eyeball like his cornea or something froze over he couldn't see it he almost like he got lost it's

Speaker 2 your eyeball free can freeze and you yes and you can drown so what they do is they have a rope and it's a safety rope and and you have to follow the rope because they can't see anything really so if they can't find the rope though you die you absolutely die and tons of people do this this is like for sport and it's batshit crazy no it's not true not tons of people tons of white people do it well yeah i mean we're the best at wackadoo stuff how many black people have gone skydiving since its inception six

Speaker 2 it's really funny think about it i've never seen a korean skydive i've never seen anybody but white skydive my whole every skydive black really yeah yeah.

Speaker 2 Type in skydivers and watch how many photos we'll put. It'll be all white dudes.

Speaker 2 Crazy fucking whites. Oh, look at the first photo of the guy's hair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that guy.

Speaker 2 Dude, four photos in. Go to four photos.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that guy. That's the guy that skydives with that girl.
He looked like Harry Styles, the skydivers.

Speaker 2 It's such a white thing to jump out of an airplane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever done this, Juice? Would you do it? No. If we do Bad Friend skydiving, would you do it?

Speaker 4 Heights is my drowning.

Speaker 2 Heights is your drowning.

Speaker 2 But if he does the ice thing, would you do the thing?

Speaker 2 You got to conquer the ice thing. We got to do the ice thing with you.
Wait, what?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I don't have fear. So, like, you know what I mean? I don't have to do that.
You have so many fears. I have no fears.
Ask me a question.

Speaker 2 Ask me a few questions.

Speaker 2 Ask me, ask, ask away. I am.
Yeah, go ahead. Look at me.

Speaker 2 Are you afraid of being alone?

Speaker 2 You got me. Doc.
Fuck. First question.
No, I'm not. Yeah, you are.
I'm not. No.
Look at me. Yeah, you are.
No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you are. I'm not.
Yes, you are.

Speaker 2 Or yes, you are. No!

Speaker 2 Yes, you are. No, but no, not in terms of like that.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, that's a fear.

Speaker 2 That's a real fear, and that's a physical fear because it physically manifests. Being alone can fucking kill you.
Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

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Just 20 minutes, all it takes to to feel the results. And this is true.

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The old ways are gone.

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You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

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Code, of course, is Bad Friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 2 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
BetterHelp, I got to tell you, has been with us for a long time because Bobby and I believe in therapy.

Speaker 2 We've talked pretty openly on this show about mental health and mental health awareness and getting help with your mental health.

Speaker 2 And I do think talking to someone is an extremely good alternative to just sitting in your house by yourself thinking about too much stuff and not getting it out.

Speaker 2 When you're at your best, you can do great things. Am I not right? I agree.
You do the best stuff when you're at your best. Exactly.
But sometimes life gets you bogged down.

Speaker 2 Sometimes your eyes get sad. That's right.
And you may feel overwhelmed or like you're not showing up in the way that you want to.

Speaker 2 Working with a therapist can help you get closer to the best version of you because when you feel empowered, you're more prepared to take on everything life throws at you. I totally agree, man.

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It's easy to do, and you can switch therapist at any time.

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Speaker 2 Bad friends.

Speaker 2 Vroom.com. With vroom, you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you.
What happened? You bought a car, didn't you? I did.

Speaker 2 And, you know, during the summer, I went to a bunch of lots. I went to hot Pasadena, hot Burbank.
I was so frustrated. But you know what?

Speaker 2 I went to Vroom.com and that's where I got my car because Vroom is the better way to buy your next ride, Andrew. That's right.
You never have to haggle or negotiate the price of a car.

Speaker 2 So you know you're getting a good deal.

Speaker 2 You got a full week or 250 miles, whichever comes first to make sure your new ride is right for you. Bobby got to drive his car around.
And guess what? He loved it because he knew what he wanted.

Speaker 2 And Vroom, it's the better way to buy. You don't got to go around wasting time trying to find all the things that fit for you.
You do it from your computer, man.

Speaker 2 It's that easy or the comfort of your phone in your home. All the cars on vroom.com come with a 90-day limited warranty and one year of roadside assistance nationwide.

Speaker 2 They give you the peace of mind when you're on the road. You can trade in your old car, by the way, if you got an old one when you buy a new one.
Or you can even just sell your car to Vroom.

Speaker 2 When you sell your car in Vroom, you get a price. instantly Bobby.
You can buy a car from Vroom entirely online.

Speaker 2 So next time you need to buy a car, just grab your phone, go to Vroom.com and check out thousands of cars. That's right.
Go to Vroom.com and check out thousands of cars today.

Speaker 2 Look at the people that go out to the woods, that live out in the woods in the middle of nowhere. They go crazy and then they die.
You need human touch. You need human contact.
You need conversion.

Speaker 2 You need conversation. I have a fear of, this is going to sound crazy.
What? But, you know, I saw a documentary with Indians in it. Indian people from India.
India's from India.

Speaker 2 And some guy had dry skin on his elbows. Right.
Hear me out. And I feel like there's flakes.

Speaker 2 And I have a fear of those flakes coming on my face. On your face.
Yeah. Like a powder of Indian flakes on the sh.

Speaker 4 I'm trying to follow.

Speaker 2 Juicy, this is an extremely legitimate fear. It's a fear.
This is a fear that many people have. Face fear.
I'm so sick right now. I have no idea why I'm here.
What's the name? Look up. I'm so tired.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Am I for not making it? This episode is a terrible.
Yeah. I like it.
I'll be real. No, it's fun.
No, honestly. Yeah.
Should I leave? Just relax, will you?

Speaker 2 Hey. What's going on? What's going on with the Carla? I feel like I'm drowning.

Speaker 2 Look up the fear of dead skin because I guarantee you there's a phobia attached to dead skin. Fear of dead skin.
What's it called? There it is. Necrophobia.

Speaker 2 Necrophobia, specific phobia that involves a fear of dead things, things that are associated with death. What about skin? Fear of skin.
Do fear of skin. What is that one?

Speaker 4 Athazagrabra.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, that's Bobby. That's Bobby.
Wait, stay there. What is it? That is Bobby.
Zoom in. I don't even know how to say this.
This is Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Athazagrophobia. Athrozagophobia is the fear of forgetting someone or someone as fear or the fear of being forgotten.
You don't want to be forgotten. Athazagra.
You're an Athrozagra for sure.

Speaker 2 You really are.

Speaker 2 Don't forget.

Speaker 2 What is this? Linophobia is the fear of string?

Speaker 2 You have an extreme reaction when just thinking of string.

Speaker 2 Wow. Like a fucking shoelace?

Speaker 2 You just have Velcro shoes?

Speaker 4 It's like every cat has that.

Speaker 2 They all have that.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. Right.
Just, yeah. Take it away.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a cat. I knew you were a cat.
You tell him you have no fears, Bob. No fear, dude.

Speaker 4 You bungee jump?

Speaker 2 No, I won't do it.

Speaker 4 Well, there you go.

Speaker 2 There it is. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 Try phobia.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 all of it I'm afraid of.

Speaker 2 Tripophobia is an excessive reaction to things that resemble serious skin diseases. That's what you have, Bobby.
Tripophobia. Are you tripophobic? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Poor Bobby. Poor Bobby.
What do you have the fear of, Juice? What are you afraid of?

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 4 well the heights thing I know I'm afraid of other stuff

Speaker 2 like what are you afraid of Carlos

Speaker 2 think about it Juice

Speaker 5 I'm afraid of loneliness you are afraid of being alone

Speaker 2 like yeah so the thing you asked Bobby about I was related you're gonna die alone for sure 100 for sure why would you say that dude I'm gonna tell you something right now dude you're just mad because I'm not mad I'm not mad I'm gonna be honest I pulled up I was

Speaker 2 I was sick for a second, but it just, once you said that, made me so angry. Oh, dude, you can't hurt him with those shades on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With those shades on?

Speaker 2 You definitely have that thing where you're never going to meet anybody.

Speaker 5 That's insane.

Speaker 2 You've never been in a relationship. I've known you for so long.
He's been married. Yeah, he got married.
Divorced. How long? A couple of years.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I haven't. And that could have ended day one.
No, no, no, no. They really loved each other.
I never met her. How were we friends? I never met her.

Speaker 5 You're always busy. You were with Kalila in that new new glow with her.

Speaker 2 There you go. Yeah.
Meanwhile, I met her. I went to their house up in the hills.
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
What was she like?

Speaker 2 I mean, do you want me to speak about... Yeah.
You guys are still friends. Yeah, she's cool.
She was a very sweet person.

Speaker 2 She was a little unusual to look at. She had had a tragic accident when she was young.
Yeah. And about three-quarters of her head was impaled.
It was sunken in.

Speaker 2 Why are you laughing?

Speaker 5 That's why I'm wearing these. I'm trying not to cry when I think about it.

Speaker 2 She had an impaled head.

Speaker 2 And one of her legs, the foot faced the wrong way. It was nuts.
You think I'm going to buy that?

Speaker 5 It was uneven.

Speaker 2 One foot was... Do you know how complex? Her name was Aneven.
Aneven.

Speaker 2 An even. Aneven Herrera.
Aneven Herrera.

Speaker 2 I can't believe it because you know how complex his fucking, you know what I mean? This guy did. His pilot.
Yeah. Dude, any imperfection.
Like, I'll show him a photo of a girl with a freckle.

Speaker 2 He's like, nah. Freckles are bad.
Swipe left. You guys do.
That's who you are. Swipe left, dude.

Speaker 2 You're mistress. Swipe left, dude.
Right? You need perfection, dude.

Speaker 2 You don't have an indentation woman. You don't have a woman with a fucking head thing.

Speaker 5 Because I never had been with, I told you this in secrecy, and you'd call me racist. What?

Speaker 2 You've never been with a what? With an Asian. I know.

Speaker 5 But that doesn't mean I'm racist.

Speaker 2 I know, but

Speaker 2 you would never go out with indentation, lady. Yes, you would.
No, you wouldn't. Yes, you wouldn't.
And you wouldn't either. Yes, I would.
Are you out of your mind? You're complex, dude.

Speaker 2 You have a palette. Let me tell you something.
Yeah. You guys go to museums and you know what the good art is.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 When you go to the museums, do you know what the good art is? Yeah. Right? You go, that's good, right? Yeah, right.
You look at a Van Gogh, that's good, right? But a Van Gogh can't talk.

Speaker 2 So if I met a woman with an indentation in her head, but I loved her personality, maybe I would fall in love.

Speaker 7 Yeah, Carlos was dating a Picasso.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 And I'm dating a Van Gogh. I'm married to a Van Gogh.
That's what I meant. And you're with a Degas.

Speaker 2 That's not what I meant. What I meant is this, you know

Speaker 2 what good art art is and bad art. You see, when you, I'm at this, avocado.
Avocado, I love avocado. Right, but you know what a bad avocado looks like, right? Like Carlos.
Squeeze, right?

Speaker 2 Looks like Carlos. Yes.

Speaker 2 My point, though, is this, okay?

Speaker 2 You don't have a lady with the thing, head thing.

Speaker 2 All right. He lie, right? I'm going back to it, right?

Speaker 2 I want to look at a photo of your wife. I never met her before.
Ex-wife.

Speaker 2 It's not his wife anymore. You keep saying that.
He's not married or whatever, whatever. He's going to die alone.
And I hate to be rude. I hate to be rude.

Speaker 2 Well, why do you think think we all die alone? Yeah, we all do die alone. We play this word the same way we go alone.
No, I mean literally alone. You think at the end of this time? He's going to die.

Speaker 2 No one's going to be around. Why? Why? Look at him.
He's a beautiful. His behavior.
What's wrong with him? Dude, he's always alone.

Speaker 2 Every time I see him on the street walking down Ventura, he's by himself holding a bag always. What's in the bag? A plastic bag.
Full of fucking broccoli and other items. I don't know what he eats.

Speaker 5 It's from Trader Joe's.

Speaker 2 I need to go. Yeah, yeah.
My point is that you're a lonely, lonely fucker. Right? Why are you doing that? I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Hey, you're a Mexican, too. Which makes it even worse.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. You're done.
He's cracking me up. You're done with, dude.
Okay, how about this? Let's bring it back to square one. Yeah, misery is your future.
Is Juicy going to die alone? No. No, am I?

Speaker 2 No. Are you? No.
Okay, so Carlos? Yes. All right.
You're done.

Speaker 2 He's sat in stone. Lonely tears for you, dude.
In the desert. And you know why he's doing this? Because you admitted out loud, stupidly into the microphone that you're afraid of dying alone.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't have done that. Yeah, yeah.
You gave him more. You gave him a bullet.
You're like, shoot. Honestly, out of all the people that I can imagine, this is the honest truth.

Speaker 2 Of all the people, thousands of people in my lifetime, right? And I'm thinking about the loneliest fuckers in that fucking group. Yeah.
Yeah, Carlos.

Speaker 2 You know what? I do. You don't exist.
You shouldn't exist right now. What do you got to say? I'm so sick.
I'm so sorry. Thanks for the medicine.
You went to the music. You got this loosey.

Speaker 2 This is the message kicking in.

Speaker 2 I love it. Carlos bought you $70 worth of medicine.
Chug it.

Speaker 2 Blue tongue.

Speaker 2 But George proved me wrong. I literally thought no one could quite possibly fuck this man.
It's impossible. I literally thought it was a scientific fact.
Yeah, I've got hidden game.

Speaker 2 He's got hidden game. God, I wish you had said that.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 Not only did somebody pump him, he got a couple of kids out of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. This guy made humans.
You proved me wrong. And you know what, Carlos?

Speaker 5 I've had two abortions.

Speaker 2 Good for, look at that. Look at that.
So

Speaker 2 I got them pregnant. So he did? That's a sub-step.
Carlos, Carlos. Three, actually.
Carlos.

Speaker 2 Carlos.

Speaker 2 George loves you. The question isn't, can you get laid? Well, you 100% can get laid.
Thank you. What I'm saying is that

Speaker 2 you're never going to live with anybody or marry anybody or be in a relationship with anybody or be intimate with anybody or like share

Speaker 2 feelings and ideas with anybody. That's insane.
It's not insane. Look at you.
Look in the mirror. Open your mouth.

Speaker 5 Projection because Kalila just moved out.

Speaker 2 This is tad. That's a tough hit.
I mean, that might have been you suck as well. That's a sucker blow.
That's a sucker blow. That's a sucker blow.
Everything you said, that is

Speaker 2 so insane.

Speaker 2 Sucker blow, dude. That's insane.
In my heart, dude.

Speaker 4 You're like wailing on him, and he did one little

Speaker 2 damn thing. He just turned over.

Speaker 2 Didn't even hit.

Speaker 2 You sucker blowed me, dude. And I'm kind of.
I'm so, so sick right now, dude. Can you you say sucker punch? That's not.
A blow is not a part of it. No, I didn't say it.

Speaker 2 A sucker blow is when I, when I convince you, when I suck your dick and you didn't know it was coming. That's a sucker blow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 When you're looking up at the sky, I go, Bobby, look at how beautiful the sunset is. And then I start blowing you.
That's a sucker blow. You know what? I'm going to keep calling it a sucker blow.

Speaker 2 That's what it feels like. Okay.
I'm going to say something to you right now, man. You know what? Game on.
Oh, shit. You won a war? Shit.
I'll begin one.

Speaker 5 You started the war.

Speaker 2 I don't know. And then I just made like a picture of the war.
No, no, no, no. Here's the deal, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm calling it. I feel bad for you.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 When I saw you in fucking Mexico,

Speaker 5 I was in Hawaii with you.

Speaker 2 Oh, Mexican. Hawaii, I mean? Yeah.
I mean, see, that's the difference. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 You could be anywhere alone. Right.
In my mind, you're in Afghanistan alone. You're in Australia alone.
You're on the island alone. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You're in the big city alone, walking down with a bag. Yep.
You know what I mean? Full of fucking broccoli or whatever. Right.

Speaker 5 I think it's better to be alone than in like a shitty relationship, though.

Speaker 2 Are you saying that I'm in one?

Speaker 5 No, I'm just saying that that's why I'm alone a lot because I'd rather like

Speaker 2 No, I think you're addicted to the pee.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah. And I think you're strongly addicted to it.
And I'm going to tell you something right there. There's an intervention to you, right? It's not going to fix you.
The pee? PCP?

Speaker 2 No, not PCP.

Speaker 4 What's he addicted to? Pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't even like fuck a lot.

Speaker 5 It's like, I'll go on first dates, but I don't, like, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything.

Speaker 2 That's not what I heard. What about your feelings?

Speaker 5 Well, I'm looking to, like, meet someone. And, wait, what did you hear, Bobby?

Speaker 2 That's not what I heard, my friend.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Well, what did you hear? It makes me mad what I heard.
What did you hear? He has a beautiful penis. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's where it's all coming from. And that bummed you out.
Yeah, and that's why I attacked him. That's my bad dude.

Speaker 5 It's my bad dude.

Speaker 2 I love you, you know what I mean? I'm in the wrong.

Speaker 2 And I'll admit it. Okay.
You have a beautiful penis.

Speaker 2 Pete Davidson of Bad Friends? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is kind of the Pete Davidson of Bad Friends, isn't he? And

Speaker 2 I attacked you. And that was wrong of me.

Speaker 2 Pete Davidson, dude. You're the Pete Davidson.
You're our Pete Davidson. Who's next? Who are you going to date next?

Speaker 2 What famous person are you going to get a tattoo removed of next?

Speaker 5 Nikki?

Speaker 2 Nikki. Glazer? Oh, she's...
Oh, really? She'll never. No, she's with that guy.
No, no, Nikki Glacer is. Oh, yeah, she's

Speaker 2 the best. I love somebody.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He looks like a soccer coach. He's my favorite.
You like soccer coaches, don't you? I do. What is that?

Speaker 2 They're wholesome. They look pure.
Pure to me. And he, especially, I forgot his name, but I like him a lot.
The next person that you date, Bob, how about this? Let's target somebody to date for you.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Well,

Speaker 2 I feel like you're kind of out in the abyss. You're just dating what's coming through.
So how about let's target? party? It's so funny.

Speaker 2 It's so funny because you've now been around some of the dates I've been on. Yeah.
And I can see your face. I'm not judging.
It's not that you're judging. It's not that you're judging.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's a feel.

Speaker 2 Go. Keep talking.
There's a feeling. There's a feeling of disapproval in your eyes.

Speaker 2 In what way? When I walked in the improv, I said hello to everyone. It was so nice to see you.
I know you so well. What did I do? Subtext.

Speaker 2 What did I what were you thinking? What did you think I was thinking when I saw you with the with the girls in the room? What did you think I thought?

Speaker 2 When I walked in you're trying to figure out the situation first correct I wanted to know if they were comedians or they were strangers or who the fuck those but then once I know but I can look at your eyes and I can go okay now he's getting understanding what the situation is and there's a quick thing in your eyes that you go I don't approve that's not true you know what I thought when I looked under that bar and saw you in the room with those girls you know my first thought was

Speaker 2 there's no room for me on that couch

Speaker 2 I was like oh that couch is fucking full I'm sorry that sucks no I was just like I can't get to sit down I have to go in the other room Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that you've also expressed things about girls that you've met that I've been dating of your disapproval. That's not true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have.
I swear to God.

Speaker 2 Let's admit that for a second. I never said anything negative about them.
I just said, I think you can do better. Right.
No, no. That's a nice thing.
Isn't that a nice thing? That's all you said.

Speaker 2 You said, I don't like them. You said that.
First of all, time out. First of all, I only said I didn't like one of them.
Or two of them. Two of them.
Yeah. But one of them you didn't like.

Speaker 2 One of them, you agreed, and the other one you didn't understand, but you did eventually.

Speaker 2 But one of them, we we said together i said do not like and you go i don't either okay in the elevator we said to take i know but my point is is that you have had strong opinions about it well you're my best friend what do you want me to do just fucking let you go out there i just want the busy i know

Speaker 2 i just want a busy i'm trying to protect my little boy you know what i'm afraid of you want to know what i'm afraid of i'm trying to find the one i'm afraid of you getting taken advantage of how about that well they're all taking advantage of me baby

Speaker 2 by the way you're welcome i texted you last night at the restaurant that you should go to the italian joint It looks great. It's fucking really good.
No one's taking advantage of you.

Speaker 2 You better not let people take advantage of you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've had some strange things.

Speaker 4 Like what?

Speaker 2 I don't want to get into it.

Speaker 2 All this stuff talks. I don't even feel like Hokkaid's.
All right, all right. I don't like how it's dark shit.
No, because it's like, because if people hear, you know, we have to talk about what

Speaker 2 I put on there.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something that's going to make you mad, maybe?

Speaker 2 Well, we might as well double down on the sucker blows.

Speaker 2 Blow them again, Andrew. Sucker, blow me again, dude.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 Jesse.

Speaker 2 Jesse? Yes. You know, you've seen me bring a couple of my dates to the comedy store.
How have you felt about them?

Speaker 4 You know, I actually at first was like, dang, he's seeing a lot of different people. But then I thought, good for him.
Yeah. Because you've been in a long-term relationship for so long.

Speaker 4 And I think it's kind of cool that you're not afraid. about your dating.
Like you're not keeping it a big secret.

Speaker 4 Like you're, you know, and you talk about it, so the girls that see you have to know that you're seeing other girls. And I think that's mature and cool.

Speaker 4 And I think you should be able to date and experience that.

Speaker 2 But could the truth be told, if I may,

Speaker 2 you may, if I may express myself in the truth,

Speaker 2 truest in the truest form, exactly what I was gonna say. Say it then.

Speaker 2 And I'm just kind of groggy. I know, babe.

Speaker 2 Um, is the truth be told is that I'm really looking for my one.

Speaker 2 The one. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I want to see one person. Close your eyes.
What does she look like? Oh, my lord. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Morgan and Morgan. Morgan and Morgan.
I got to tell you, so many people have been in an accident, specifically in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 There's so many fender benders because traffic is bump, bad, bumpa all the time.

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Speaker 2 I think that if you were the leader, you want to be able to eat a friend of a country.

Speaker 2 Jesse?

Speaker 2 Don't you think it would be a great place?

Speaker 2 What? If Jesse was a leader of a country?

Speaker 2 She wouldn't want to. See, she's

Speaker 4 getting taken advantage of.

Speaker 2 Hey. Hey, Your Excellency.
Excellency.

Speaker 2 Cast her?

Speaker 4 Oh, call me Juice.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 Okay. Sorry, Your Excellency.
That's kind of not our thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what are the policies that you wanted to enact for Juice Island?

Speaker 4 I just want everyone to have a good time.

Speaker 2 Good call. Yeah, no, we agree.
Yeah, but taxes? We also, yeah, we're coming to you about finances because we're deeply in debt. Yeah, we need taxes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How much should we charge people?

Speaker 4 I don't have enough money.

Speaker 2 No, we're actually in debt about 400 million. We're in debt millions.
It's not your money. It's Juice of the Islands money.
Right. Okay.
And

Speaker 2 so how much. Can we

Speaker 2 income tax?

Speaker 4 If we have to, but not a lot. I don't want people to have to pay.
Maybe like a penny for every dollar.

Speaker 2 You want people to pay a penny for every dollar, one cent to their dollar? Yeah, look at Juice. Is that a lot? Let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 Who's head of finance? Wait, because Carlos Island is next door. Yeah.
And they're ready to attack. They have like fucking

Speaker 2 water. They want to go to war.
Well, let me talk to him.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, good luck. Ring ring.
We got it, Carlos. Hello.

Speaker 4 Hey, I heard you want to go to war.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you're like, no one respects your island because you have 0.01 taxes.

Speaker 5 In America, it's 0.08.

Speaker 4 Hey, why don't we just smoke a blunt, chill out? I don't think we need to be fighting.

Speaker 5 I'm already smoking one, but you're more than welcome to come over.

Speaker 4 Okay, so we're good?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 2 And then... But, you know, she did get close.
She almost solved that war. I did feel like at some point you were going to flip.

Speaker 2 But already in that conversation, you and I look at each other like, we got to go to coupon. There's a coupon island.
No, there's a coup. Oh, there's a coup.
We're taking over.

Speaker 2 We have to overthrow her.

Speaker 2 She's fucking dumb. So we'd kill you immediately.
Yeah, yeah. You're dead.

Speaker 4 I mean, you don't even have to kill me. You guys can just take over.

Speaker 2 No, we've got to kill you. It's like a part of the thing.
Yeah. And you know what? I'll name it Santino Island.
Just give me a province.

Speaker 2 Bobby Province?

Speaker 2 I want my own province. Lee Province.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I want it gated. No one's allowed to go there.
Except for my people. Who's your people? People that I capture.

Speaker 2 Okay, so it's like the Vatican. You have your own rules and laws.
Yes. And I can't enforce it.
It's like a Indian reservation where I have my own taxes. Your own cops.
My own cops. My own hospitals.

Speaker 2 Everything. I have my own province.

Speaker 2 Just give it to me. If I had my own province,

Speaker 2 I would have one guy doing security and meet Jamar Neighbors. And

Speaker 2 I'd pay him whatever he wants. Dude, that's who I was going to pay.
And I'd have no rules. No rule.
I'd be like, whatever you want to do, man, it's on you. Eric Andre and Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. That's security.
Right?

Speaker 2 And they're wearing ATC. They're driving ATCs.
ATV. Mohawk.
Mohawks. Right? Yeah.
Completely naked.

Speaker 2 Right. Does anybody wear clothes at at the Lee Province? No.
There's no clothing store. So you'd have to leave Lee Province.
You can't leave. You cannot.
It's like North Korea. Exactly.
No.

Speaker 2 No. Well.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something. North Korea, right? Is fentanyl free?

Speaker 2 Well, yes, it can be. Right.
How about wagu steaks? That's not free. Right.
Everyone eats wagu steaks. Where are you getting all this money from in Lee Province? The taxes.

Speaker 2 Your taxes, man, were part of your family. No, I know, but dude, you're being.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're going to call me in. I'm going to go, hey, hey, dude, give me the strength.
This is how corrupt government starts.

Speaker 2 This is literally it. A friend of a friend goes, come on, man.
It's my constituents. Just give me a little bit more money than the other guys.
And then they go, well, we did grow up together.

Speaker 2 And I'll give you Type P. TP, TP.
Taipei? No, TP. What's TP? I don't want to tell you what it is.
Toilet pip. But you know what it is.
Toilet pit. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I know. You know what it is.
I know what it is. You know what it is.
So I'll give you some TP. Oh.
Okay, I understand.

Speaker 2 And I still don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 When you see, I don't even.

Speaker 2 It's the same P that we talked about before. No, what you see, I understand.
That means that you said, that means you go, yeah. But that's what happened.
You're getting me the steak.

Speaker 2 Yes, because I'm going to get you the steak. But see, that's so great.
This is how it always works, though. This is the problem.
This is the problem. I understand.

Speaker 2 This is how government goes to collapse. I know, but still, we'll run for 50.

Speaker 7 I'm second in command at Carlos Island.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I'll take some TP.

Speaker 7 I'll give you YU steaks. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, if he doesn't give it to me. See, this is how Putin started.
This is what happened.

Speaker 2 All the homies got some. And then Putty was out.

Speaker 2 Putty was doing his thing. He's dead, by the way.

Speaker 2 I think he's dead.

Speaker 2 They're hologramming him all over the country and the world. Yeah, anyway.

Speaker 2 Just give me a province. I'll give you a Lee province.
Right. But we do have to think what we're going to do with our captured prisoner there.
Oh, she's not dead? No, I didn't want to kill her.

Speaker 2 I feel so bad. All right.
Well, we couldn't. You know what? I know what we do.

Speaker 2 Every 10 days out of the year, right?

Speaker 2 This is what we're talking, right? Yeah. We do shame, shame day.
Shame day. And we gotta shame her.
Oh, we do publicly. Yeah, publicly.
Okay, I like it. Throughout the whole island.

Speaker 4 We're not taxing enough?

Speaker 2 That's right. Well, because you were weak.
You just couldn't do it. We were still weak, right? So what we do is what? To shame her? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dip her in chocolate. We have to dip her in chocolate.
We have to dip you in chocolate.

Speaker 2 We have to dip her in chocolate. We have to dip you in chocolate.
And then we have to throw goose feathers on you. You have to get it.
Yeah, goose feathers on your body, right?

Speaker 2 Not tarred and feathered. You get chocolated and feathered.
And she has to be in pain somehow. We got to get some pain.

Speaker 2 Do you know they say the worst part about getting tarred and feathered was the tar because it was burning your skin.

Speaker 4 No, not the feathers?

Speaker 2 Not the feathers.

Speaker 2 That's so funny.

Speaker 2 It wasn't the feathers. I always thought there was the feather.
I would assume it was the feather. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because the embarrassment would overthrow the pain.

Speaker 2 Wait, so when they did tar and feathers. It was hot tar, burning tar, it would singe your skin.

Speaker 2 They never did cold tar?

Speaker 4 I don't think you can.

Speaker 2 Cold tar is hard tar. Oh, that's right, right.
You'd be throwing hard rock at it. Right.
How about lukewarm tar? There was a couple places that did lukewarm tar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It didn't catch on.

Speaker 2 Oh, they didn't catch on?

Speaker 2 That sucks. Tarring and feathering to me, I'm not kidding.
I think we should bring it back. It's so funny.

Speaker 2 But, but, but because the tar burns their skin, because I don't want to inflict like real pain, this is an embarrassment thing. Like, if you have a petty crime, right, you steal something.

Speaker 2 I think we just do super glue and feathers, and you have to be a chicken for a couple of days. Well, that's why I said chocolate.
Yeah, but chocolate melts, it comes right off your skin.

Speaker 2 Super glue is going to, you have something that has, you have to have something that sticks to your skin, and the thing that it sticks to will stick to you. That's going to stay on forever, dude.

Speaker 2 Superglue? No, it doesn't. With feathers? I mean, there's a spot like 10 years ago later, you're going to be like, oh, fuck, there's a little spot.

Speaker 4 Right? But I bet you don't steal again. That's exactly.

Speaker 2 Thank you. But it has to be embarrassing.
That's all. It should be something stupid.

Speaker 2 You know, like you wear like your

Speaker 2 like the clothes that you wear when you do something petty, that you have nipple holes and a genital hole. So everyone has to see your nipples and your little penis all day long.

Speaker 2 And you can't can't cover it up. You have to walk around like that with your little penis out and your nipples out and your butthole out.
You have to walk around like that.

Speaker 2 Interesting. You steal something, you get a little bit of embarrassment.
Yeah. I wouldn't be embarrassed, though.

Speaker 2 You have to tuck, or you have to tuck, you have to do the man china and you have to walk like that all day. Honestly, there is nothing

Speaker 2 when it comes to nudity that I'll be embarrassed about. Yeah, but many people do feel fear of nudity.
I know. I don't know why that is.

Speaker 2 Because we've been taught that it's like bad to be naked, so we think it's naughty and wrong. You own up to what you have.
I have that.

Speaker 4 what like i don't i like make sure no doors are open or windows are open oh do you have a fear of nudity not like i don't know if it's so far as a fear i'm not like a never nude but like i i do

Speaker 2 i do like i don't want anyone to see me naked okay so so this is very interesting your partner like when you're dating somebody Do you not want them to see you naked unless you are going to be hooking up?

Speaker 2 Like if you're just like getting in out of the shower, they don't, you can't, you don't want them to see you. Correct.
Right. Okay.

Speaker 4 That's insane. Like I will be naked with my partner, but but I don't like casually.

Speaker 2 Only when it's leading to something sexual. Yeah.
That's absolutely insane to me. No, that's not.
That's her fucking, that's her feeling about her body. That's crazy talent.

Speaker 4 I wish I didn't have it. I agree with Bobby.
Like, I don't think that's healthy.

Speaker 2 That's insane. I've never even met anyone like that.
I don't think it's that crazy. It's not that bad if she's not.
I couldn't date. I couldn't date anyone like that.

Speaker 2 Well, a good thing you guys aren't going to date.

Speaker 2 It's insane to me. Okay, so look.
Like, even the girls,

Speaker 2 I've seen a couple of girls now, you know what I mean? They walk around the house naked.

Speaker 2 So do I. So do I.
I know

Speaker 4 yeah that's I don't think I'm gonna move in with Bobby

Speaker 2 I mean I sleep I see we don't get naked in my house we sleep I sleep in jeans I've never taken these jeans off no honestly how do you and your wife sleep what do you mean how do we sleep completely naked foot to yeah head to foot you wear boxers we have a single you wear boxers no completely naked I sleep naked yeah

Speaker 2 Does your wife?

Speaker 2 Sometimes she wears a big shirt, probably. Sometimes she wears like a big comfy shirt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Or like, it depends if it's cold out, yeah, she wears like a, like, a something cold.

Speaker 2 But yeah, I always sleep naked. I've always slept naked.
I love sleeping naked. I refuse to have clothes on my bed.
That's insane. That's great.
I mean, why am I?

Speaker 2 I love it. I don't, clothes mean nothing to me.

Speaker 4 I get scared sleeping naked. Like, I wake up, like, what if I had to get out of the house really fast?

Speaker 2 You throw something on. You keep something near the bed to throw on.
Right.

Speaker 4 But what if you can't find it or a fire burns them up?

Speaker 2 So then you fucking run out. You're outside naked.
And then you're outside naked. Good, fine.

Speaker 2 I did this very joke on Conan. Go watch my Conan set.
I got locked out of a hotel room naked.

Speaker 2 Go on.

Speaker 2 Yes, go on. Well, no, because you know, I get room service, right? And after I'm done with it, right, I was eating naked.
Put it outside. And I put it outside, and I hear a clunk.

Speaker 2 And I turn around and I go, oh, fuck, man.

Speaker 2 This sucks. You know what I mean? So I cup, you know, because I don't want to get in trouble.

Speaker 4 Do you use the lid to the room service?

Speaker 2 No, I walked down the hallway. That is so smart.
I walked down the hallway, and luckily they had one of those phones by the elevators. Yeah.
So I called the phone and got, ah,

Speaker 2 by the way, that is for naked guys that get locked out. That phone by the elevator, the only use of that is for like, hey, I'm naked, got locked out, can't come down.
I'm on the 12th floor. Thank you.

Speaker 2 That's why they made that phone. Yeah, so I picked it up.
I did a laugh first. You have always to do a laugh.

Speaker 2 You're not going to believe this. Hi, front desk.
How can I help you?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's crazy. You're not going to believe this.
Sure, we have a lot of customers. How can I help you? Yeah, I'm naked.

Speaker 2 I had room server to put in in food outside, the door locked, and then I need a key. All right, come on down and get a new key.

Speaker 2 You can't bring it up? We can't. We were short-staffed.
So are you, so I hear. So come on down.
Okay. I will go down there.
That's how much they did.

Speaker 2 What did they do? They brought a guy up, and you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And here's the key. And here's what he's saying.
Here's the guy. Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, here you go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Thank you.
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 He wasn't shocked. Can I come in? No, that'd be weird.
Please? No, no, no. Please? No.
Please. You've never done anything like that? No, I had a.

Speaker 2 This is the weirdest thing I had happen fucking when I was in New York. This last time I was in New York.

Speaker 2 Knock, knock, knock. No, thank you.

Speaker 2 Knock, knock, knock. Fuck.
I step out of the bath. I'm naked getting in the shower.
No, thank you. No, thank you.
So loud.

Speaker 2 So loud. Nothing.
Shower, shower, shower. Everything is good.
Dry off.

Speaker 2 Draw the towel down. Brushing my teeth naked.
Ink. Ink walks.
Oh, oh, hi. I go, no, no, no, no.
Out, out, out, out, out, out, please. No.
Butt naked. Toothbrush.
No, no, no, no, no. She stands there.

Speaker 2 Okay, back. I come back.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Wow. Go, go, go, go, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then at some point, she stood a little bit too long, and I was like,

Speaker 2 sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, but she stood there for a weird amount of time. I was almost like, I thought she was going to go, oh, sorry.
She didn't. She was like, oh,

Speaker 2 come back. I was like, yeah.
Yeah, man, my cock's out. Please come back later.
Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 But from what you're saying, I should be more comfortable with my cock out while I'm brushing my teeth and the cleaning lady walks in. Yeah, I have a problem with cleaning ladies.
But you know what?

Speaker 2 Also, I have a problem with what? The emergency, the people that call the 911, what do you call it? Dispatch people? Dispatch people. I fucking hate that, man.

Speaker 2 The people that help save people's lives? No, if you watch any podcast about murders and stuff, you hear dispatchers. Yeah.
It's like they don't, they're like the most insane people on earth.

Speaker 2 It's like, um,

Speaker 2 my husband was just stabbed to death. He's still in the house, right? I'm in the closet.

Speaker 2 Um, calm down. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Calm down, bitch.

Speaker 2 My husband's dead. Like, you know what I mean? I can't hear you speak clearly.
Yeah. You know what I mean? But they're they're trained to try to calm you down.
They're trying to reverse. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 You don't even want them to freak out. No, I don't want them freaked out.
It's like. All right, you call me and you're panicking.
No, no, no, no, no, no. How about this? I'm not even talking about it.

Speaker 2 I want to be real. Okay.
All right. I'm the dispatcher guy.
Okay. All right.
Call me.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 My wife is hit. My wife just stabbed everyone in our neighborhood.
She's coming to kill me. Please help.
Help. I already got the cops coming.

Speaker 2 It's simple as that. That's good.
The cops are coming. But you need to stay on the phone with me.
No, no, no. You need to stay on the street.

Speaker 2 What am I going to do? You need to gather information. No, I want her to not.
If you're hiding, you shouldn't be talking on the phone, bitch. All right.
You call me then. Here we go.
I'll be the 9-11.

Speaker 2 9-11. You'll be 9-11? That was my holiday.
All right, right.

Speaker 2 Ring-ring.

Speaker 2 Ring-ring? It always takes a minute.

Speaker 2 All right. Ring-ring.

Speaker 2 Ring-ring.

Speaker 2 9-1-1 dispatch. I can help you.

Speaker 2 My whole family is dead.

Speaker 2 Eurostep.

Speaker 2 Who did it?

Speaker 2 I don't know who did it.

Speaker 2 Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Speaker 2 He's still in the house. My two kids are slaughtered.
My wife's slaughtered. Oh, is he close to where your kids are?

Speaker 2 They're dead.

Speaker 2 Oh, they're all dead. Well, that's okay.
Just call and call the cops because

Speaker 2 I hear him near me. I hear him near me.
Okay, well, then you should quiet down a little bit, huh? That's how they are. Yeah, they are like that.
I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Well, I think it's what she's busy, man. She's heard this all day.
All day she gets these calls.

Speaker 2 She's sick of this. Well, get somebody else on there.
All right, this is what you would rather prefer. Ready? Go ahead, call.
Ring, ring. 911 dispatch.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody's in the house. Oh, my my god.
How did they get in the fucking house?

Speaker 2 Holy shit. How did they get in the fucking house? What the fuck? What did you do?

Speaker 2 What did you do? That's not what I want.

Speaker 2 That's not what I want.

Speaker 2 How do you want them to react?

Speaker 2 You want them to react.

Speaker 2 What I've just said is that. Cops are on the way.
Yeah, they should have a mechanism, right?

Speaker 2 When you call from a landline, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 it should just pop up what the fucking house is and then press a fucking red button where the cops and the ambulance go there. Okay, well, I think this is a good idea.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I thought they do that. They don't do that.
They do. They stay on the phone to make sure you're a car.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. You should listen to some of these.
I'll record them.

Speaker 4 You record them?

Speaker 2 I'll clip some stuff. I'll clip some stuff.

Speaker 2 I've seen so many of them work. Let's have Bobby just start calling 911 to just get tapes out.

Speaker 2 No. I just hate it.
That's all. Did you ever prank 911 when you were a kid? Oh, yeah.
No. Never.
You did, Carlos?

Speaker 5 Speak up. The cops showed up.

Speaker 2 Bad boy. I hate pranks.
I got really nervous.

Speaker 2 We used to call restaurants all the time. We used to call anybody.
We'd call fucking for no reason. It was so dumb.
You know what we do? We call a restaurant.

Speaker 2 We make a fucking huge reservation for that night. We thought that was funny.
Why is that funny? Like 40 people are coming and they're like, whoa, okay, we'll put a bunch of tables together.

Speaker 2 So dumb. We were fucking kids.
We were like 12. We thought that was insane.
We were like, we're going to fuck up their whole business. You know what? You fucking pranksters, man.
Little boy, bad boys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't like it. We usually just, you know what we we would do.
We would just call random numbers. Me and my friend Sean would just call.

Speaker 2 We'd pick a number, pick your local area code, just hit a random number, just start talking to somebody. What about those kids that threw the rocks? They would go to a bridge, these six kids.

Speaker 2 Hit a guy, killed a guy. Yeah, and they took the rock and threw it over the bridge, hit a car, killed the guy.

Speaker 2 And those six kids now, but not all of the kids picked up the rock. What do you do in that situation? Well, if there was somebody there that wasn't a part of it, yeah, but they're like,

Speaker 2 we'll take turns.

Speaker 2 Me and Carlos will do the first one, fine, nothing hits, and then now it's Jules and Andrew's turn. You guys hit a car, kill somebody.
Do me and Carlos go to prison?

Speaker 4 Fuck yes, all of us go together.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we all go down together.

Speaker 2 We didn't do that. We aimed correctly.
You were there, my dog.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we didn't even want to throw the rock. You guys made us do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's already seen. You're a fucking

Speaker 2 turn. Some would argue we threw it correctly.
You guys missed.

Speaker 5 We get a lesser sentence, though, I think.

Speaker 2 You do.

Speaker 2 Well, yes, your fingerprints on it. Yeah, but we would, her and I would tell the judge that you guys were with us doing it as well.
Immediately. Why would you rat us out? You're here, baby.

Speaker 2 You're going down with us. You're going down with the ship, dog.

Speaker 2 Would we rat them out? No. No, we wouldn't rat you out.
What if you killed them? The fuck you would, and I see it in your eyes. No, we wouldn't.

Speaker 2 I got your mind. No.

Speaker 2 You're the cops. Go ahead.
Ask us.

Speaker 2 What happened today? Carlos,

Speaker 2 we fucked up, man. We do this as a prank.
We really didn't mean to hit it. What about Jetsky and Santino? What do they got to do with this? Who?

Speaker 2 The red-headed guy and the girl with the glasses. I know them.
They were standing right here with you. We booked them with you.
And they were just walking by. You guys weren't going to hike.

Speaker 2 They got nothing to do with it? No.

Speaker 2 Well, that's interesting. They told us that they showed up with you guys.
Well, I mean, they're liars.

Speaker 2 Dude. Welcome to police investigations.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They fuck with people. They fuck with us.
They do that all the time. Oh, they do.
They told us that you guys showed up together. No, they.
Well, they're lying. I don't know what what the problem is.

Speaker 2 I literally don't know them. Hmm.
Yeah. They also said that

Speaker 2 they were the ones that threw the rock, not you guys. No, we did.
We did it. You threw the rock and killed that man.
Yep. They said they did it.
Andrew and John. Well, I mean, they're crazy.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Hmm. Yeah.
So you're taking the fall. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's three life sentences for each of you because there were three people in the car. Can we go to the bathroom? Well, wait, wait, three life sentences? Oh, yeah.
With no chance of parole.

Speaker 2 No chance of parole? Yeah, nothing. I won't die alone.

Speaker 2 You'll die with me.

Speaker 2 We're going to share the fucking same cell.

Speaker 2 That's not what they did. They're going to send us to different prisons.

Speaker 5 No, sometimes you can go together, I think.

Speaker 2 Well, you can't request it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can't go, hey, can we. Your honor, can we get locked up at the same place?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 You can request anything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you could. Yeah, you can request anything.

Speaker 2 That's not they're going to give it to you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You can request an espresso machine, too, but they're not going to give it to you.
All right, yeah.

Speaker 2 So who threw the rock? We all did it. We're all going to do it.
Yeah, see, I knew it. I knew it.
I fucking knew it. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You know what I would have done? What? You asked me.

Speaker 2 So who wrote Through the Rock? George Kimmel. No, no, no, no, no.
See, listen to defensive. He threw the rock.
Already with the fucking voice. Right.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Immediately, Cop's like, yeah, he did it. Listen to him.
Yeah. Crazy fuck.

Speaker 2 But those kids deserve...

Speaker 2 Not life, though. Yeah, sure.
You took a life. Why not? You take a life, you get life.
Yeah, but it's in the same feeling of pranks, right?

Speaker 2 That you did with the phones. Yeah, but the phones wasn't going to maybe kill someone on accident.
I think you know, you're old enough to know that when you huck a rock over a bridge,

Speaker 2 if you hit a car, something really bad's going to happen. That is true.

Speaker 5 I did that in Houston.

Speaker 2 What? What?

Speaker 5 Not off a bridge. I threw like a couple bricks with my friend Gabe off a parking garage.

Speaker 2 Do you want this on film?

Speaker 5 Yeah, but I mean, no one died, so it's okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
Yeah, it was. What was the pleasure of that?

Speaker 5 It wasn't a prank, though. That's what I'm getting at.
It's like, you think it's like a prank.

Speaker 5 This was more just like boredom in the city you were bored so you tried to hit somebody with a brick i was just trying to see what it was

Speaker 2 killed somebody that's the mentality of a serial killer i know i was a kid that's when it starts you never did that yeah i was kids too i never threw bricks at people never did starts with bricks and then trying to be

Speaker 2 it's not new york city i was just throwing it onto a street it was like five or six i thought you said you were aiming at somebody no no no i was just like tossing it to see what would happen was there cars there were cars yeah no one got hurt though i know but my point is he knows in your mind though did you think that maybe somebody could have...

Speaker 2 And you wouldn't care.

Speaker 5 No, I would have cared.

Speaker 2 Then why would you do it? The assumption was that nobody would get hit. He's just moving.
He's moving with the assumption that. That's insane.
Yeah, it's crazy. That's crazy, guys.

Speaker 2 It's crazy behavior. And by the way,

Speaker 2 you are getting life now. Now I take it all back.
Bobby, you're free to go. So I go to the house.
Jetsky, you're free. Yeah, you're going alone.
Yeah. What else did you do?

Speaker 2 If you did that, what else did you grow up in Texas?

Speaker 2 Because he grew up wealthy. Let's get that straight.
And wealthy kids get bored and they do creepy shit. Right.
They go to the forest. They go go out to the forest.

Speaker 2 They collect animals, go to the shed. They touch them.
Yeah. I think

Speaker 2 weirdo stuff.

Speaker 2 Sexually touch them. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 5 I would run from the cops.

Speaker 2 That's fine. That's fine.
That's fine. It's always.
What else did you do? Weird. Weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 I almost went to a glory hole in Houston once. I actually did it in L.A., but in Houston, that was like scarier.

Speaker 2 No, were you the glory or were you the hole?

Speaker 5 I was the glory.

Speaker 2 Wait, you were going to get pumped?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was the one. No, you were pumpy.

Speaker 5 You were pumper.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was so you there's a glory hole place in LA. You sign up.
You just go, hey, here for the glory hole, and you walk in and you.

Speaker 5 It was on Craigslist.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 5 And it was like the middle of the night.

Speaker 2 This I like.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 5 And I go to this apartment complex in Silver Lake. And they're like, go to the laundry room.
So I go to the laundry room and I close the door behind me.

Speaker 2 And there's like a sheet with a hole.

Speaker 2 Stop, stop. This is good.
Let him go. What are you doing? This is so insane.
Stop it.

Speaker 5 And next to it is like a Dell laptop.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's always a Dell.

Speaker 5 And it's like playing porn.

Speaker 5 And it's like very generic porn.

Speaker 2 It's not like anything cool or anything like that.

Speaker 5 Got it. And I put my dick in.

Speaker 2 In the laptop. No, no, no.
In the hole. Right.

Speaker 5 Yeah, obviously. And I felt like a little stubble.

Speaker 2 And I went, I got to get out of here.

Speaker 2 Did you think it was... Slow down, slow down, slow down.
Did you think it was Kate Moss behind there?

Speaker 2 Or some fucking dude? Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 2 It was news. How many sucks?

Speaker 2 How many licks did it take to get to the center of

Speaker 2 your sensitive side? 10. 10.
Yeah. 10 sucks.

Speaker 5 I had to get in. Like, I had to register the stubble.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was either a guy or an Armenian. You thought a girl was posting on Craigslist.
I want to suck.

Speaker 5 I was like 23. I didn't know that it was like a gay thing.
I thought.

Speaker 2 Had you ever talked to me? Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.
Have you talked to any of your friends about it at the time?

Speaker 5 Not at the time, but I've told friends since for the last.

Speaker 2 So you put it through the hole.

Speaker 2 It felt good. What made you, the stubble made you stop? Would you not have stopped if he was clean-shaven? I think I wouldn't have.
Right. Exactly.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 7 What type of porn was playing? What type of porn? Straight, straight porn.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because

Speaker 5 I think the appeal is that it's a straight guy.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Right, and you were the bad, you were a bad boy.

Speaker 5 I mean, it's not all on your definition.

Speaker 2 Do you want to change the story now or do you want to stick with your story? Do you want to tell us the truth that you finished or no?

Speaker 5 I didn't finish. I promise that.

Speaker 2 I've gone this far into the ice.

Speaker 4 He didn't finish in the room.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 You take that home. Did you joke off later? No, so I was so confused.
It was like. What was the confusion?

Speaker 5 The stubble. I was like, I think I went into uncharted territory.

Speaker 2 But I mean, what's confusing? The guy sucked your cock. That's what happened to you.

Speaker 5 Well, it was like the first time. So I was like,

Speaker 2 there's no way

Speaker 2 that you didn't finish. That's what I said.
Not only didn't finish, there's no way that you didn't know it was a dude behind there. I really didn't know.
There's no way.

Speaker 2 Ready? He walks in the room. Yeah.
Kadunk. Hello?

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 Do you like the porn?

Speaker 2 You have a really deep voice. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm sick.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and put your cock through the hole. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I think they don't talk on purpose. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's insane. The idea that you couldn't just, I bet you, by the way, the sheet was just hungry.
Like you could just see the guy when you walked in.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Don't walk before you.
Wait, the sheet.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, nighttime? Yeah. It was pitch black in there.

Speaker 2 You're like walking around. Ooh, what's going on?

Speaker 2 Except for the hue from the light of the

Speaker 2 bright.

Speaker 2 So it was a sheet, right? Like a black. With a whole, a black sheet now? Yeah.
Oh, now it's black. Did you say it was black before? He did not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was white before.
Yeah. George heard white.
It was white before. I also pictured a light sheet.
Yeah, me too. I didn't know.
It was a a white sheet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Odyssey. By the way, by the way.
Pull up a sheet. It was a hole for the mouth, and there were two eye holes.

Speaker 4 It was just a ghost cycle.

Speaker 2 All right, so

Speaker 2 10, 10, 10, 10, and you were done. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you ever go back to another glory hole since? You said you went to another one, I thought.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I went to one in Santa Monica years later.

Speaker 2 Okay, what is the lesson wasn't learned?

Speaker 2 What did you do in the second?

Speaker 5 No, the lesson was definitely not learned. I was like, maybe this time.

Speaker 2 What happened in Santa Monica?

Speaker 5 I went to this hotel off Pico.

Speaker 2 Pico and Lincoln? Yeah, not a great area. I was going to say, what's going on up there?

Speaker 5 Exactly. So I go into the hotel and I get directions.
So when you go in, the situation is by the closet.

Speaker 2 Is this Craigslist as well?

Speaker 5 I think this was like a legit escort.

Speaker 2 Oh, this was an escort. This isn't like a personal.

Speaker 5 This was like a low-end escort website. It wasn't like.

Speaker 2 You know what it was called. What was it called?

Speaker 5 I think it was back page at the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he knows what the fuck it is. I like how he pretends like he didn't know what it was.

Speaker 5 His back page is gone.

Speaker 2 I saw Carlos look at me right now. I'm going to say one thing to you.
I'm telling you the truth. I know.
I know. I'm going to say one thing to you.

Speaker 2 This is why

Speaker 2 you're going to die on the street. No, no, no, don't do that.

Speaker 2 He's adventurous. No, he's adventurous, dude.
Yeah, I'm brave.

Speaker 5 I'm adventurous.

Speaker 2 Finish the story.

Speaker 2 So you go. Santa Monica, what?

Speaker 5 I go to the closet and I.

Speaker 2 You go back in the closet. So literally.

Speaker 2 Also, imagine how

Speaker 2 scared. I mean, you're addicted to the

Speaker 2 thrill. I would be afraid of getting murdered.
That's what it is. Yeah, you're addicted to the thrill of it.
I get what you're doing. I get what it is.
I mean, I think I would get murdered.

Speaker 2 That sounds like I'm going to get murdered. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 this guy's nuts. Go ahead.
I'm so afraid someone's going to be like, me, me. So, okay, so in the directions, it says, hey, come to this hotel.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm in this room. Like, the door will be unlocked already.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 And walk up to the closet and there'll be another there'll be a sheet. There's another

Speaker 2 big sheet stuff

Speaker 5 so I put my dick in

Speaker 5 this time. I finished.

Speaker 5 And I was like, on the way home, I was like, that was probably a guy.

Speaker 2 It was, yeah.

Speaker 5 And then

Speaker 5 I was like, okay, got that over with, I guess.

Speaker 2 You knocked it out. Yeah.
But no, no payment was needed. No.

Speaker 5 But I'm also like chill about gay shit. Like, I had a guy like come on to me in an Uber.
He like, he, like, kissed me. And I, like, kissed back for, like, the fun of it.

Speaker 2 Wait, what do you mean in an Uber? You were just sharing an Uber?

Speaker 5 I was in an Uber with a co-worker and I kissed back because I didn't want him to feel like I was homophobic or something.

Speaker 2 George? Who did what co-worker? No, it wasn't at fancy?

Speaker 5 It was at Vanderpump Dogs at the dog rescue.

Speaker 2 And there's like this. So you guys were taking an Uber.
Were you drinking? Was he drinking? He was drinking. And he just turned to you and started kissing you.
I was drinking too. You were.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he just turned and kissed you.

Speaker 5 Yeah, like tongue, everything. It was crazy.
And like, I didn't want to be like, oh, gay, and like push him off.

Speaker 5 Like, I didn't want to do that.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 5 I went into like acting mode.

Speaker 2 And you acted like you liked it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I was like Kate Winslet or something or like MTV best.

Speaker 2 That's an interesting

Speaker 2 Kate Winslet. Why Kate Winslet? Well, because

Speaker 2 he was

Speaker 2 beautiful.

Speaker 5 Well, I wanted to give a good performance. That's why I was thinking of a good actor.
Right.

Speaker 2 Daniel D. Lewis? It just didn't come.
No, no, he's Kate Winslet. Okay.
So you got into character, Kate. Yeah.
And at any point, did art imitate life? Or life imitate art?

Speaker 2 Did you start to go, maybe that was okay? I like that.

Speaker 5 No, I didn't get hard. And then I

Speaker 5 believe I, no, I texted my friend Elizabeth and I was like, this guy at work just like made out with me in a car, but I kissed back. It's all weird.
And like.

Speaker 2 Weird as in, I'm curious. Not my feelings.

Speaker 5 It was just weird. Like,

Speaker 5 it was like me too, like a... Me too situation almost.

Speaker 2 You felt threatened. You felt like you were powerless.
You felt this person took advantage of you. Yeah, definitely.
But you just said you kissed back, though, too. Did you like it?

Speaker 2 You didn't like it. I didn't like it.
I didn't like it. I had a survival skill.
Right.

Speaker 5 Like when I was in bed with the casting director on Molly, I was just like survival skill trying to get out of it.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait. Stop.

Speaker 2 You were.

Speaker 5 I was at a party. Oh, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 were with a casting director? A big one. And you did it for what? So you can get an acting part?

Speaker 5 No, I was at a party that he was also at.

Speaker 5 Oh, it was a he? Yeah, it was a male casting.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you something, Carlos? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you gay? No.

Speaker 5 Carlos? I promise I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 It's fine. We don't, we support you.

Speaker 2 Are you bisexual? Are you bisexual?

Speaker 5 I feel, I'm, I don't think I am, but I think if sexuality is on a spectrum, I'm probably like more to.

Speaker 2 How did you end up in bed with a casting director?

Speaker 5 I took drugs.

Speaker 2 And then... I've taken a lot of drugs.
I've never been in bed with a casting director.

Speaker 5 It was my first time taking ecstasy.

Speaker 2 Right, it is fun. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And like, I was in that moment with the ecstasy where it was like very overpowering. And I couldn't leave the bed.
And this guy got in bed and was like, come on, baby.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 please, please, or whatever.

Speaker 5 And he's like kissing me. And I felt very taken advantage of.
Right.

Speaker 2 So, what did you do?

Speaker 5 I was just kind of like pushing him away.

Speaker 2 And then after that part, though. Yeah, we didn't hook up.
No, let's be real, dude. No,

Speaker 5 I promise we didn't.

Speaker 2 All right, did you? Nothing happened.

Speaker 2 You didn't go.

Speaker 2 Did you get

Speaker 2 nothing weird? But did you get hard?

Speaker 5 You got turned up. I didn't get.

Speaker 4 I pushed him away, but the pushing felt so good.

Speaker 2 I'm ecstasy.

Speaker 2 Get back over here. Come back.
Wait, come back.

Speaker 5 I feel like that's how I know, though.

Speaker 2 Right. Don't get hard with men.
Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's one of the ways. I guess that's one of the ways.

Speaker 2 That's insane. That's great.
You know what? I learned a lot about you. And now, after all this given knowledge, will he die alone? Yes.
All right. What do you think?

Speaker 2 No, I think he's going to find, I think he's going to fall in love. I think he might meet someone that's, you know,

Speaker 2 maybe someone trans. Maybe you maybe fall in love with someone trans, and you get best of both worlds.

Speaker 5 I'll tell you what, on like dating apps, I always accidentally swipe right on trans.

Speaker 2 Accidentally, eh? And then, but no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 What do you mean accidentally?

Speaker 5 Because I'm like, oh, hot girl. And I swipe right.
And I'm like, wait a second. I saw T-R-A.
Let me go back and see if it really.

Speaker 2 You know, he tells himself whoops. He goes, oh, whoops.
He says it knowing. Right.
I was in accident. It makes him feel better.
I love you, dude. Oh, Oh, whoops.
Well,

Speaker 2 I'm glad you have clarity. Very interesting.
Well,

Speaker 2 I want to say this. I do hope we get one more Glory Hole story

Speaker 2 by the end of this season of this year. So maybe enact it.
Okay. I'd love to hear one more Glory Hole story out of you.

Speaker 5 I'm sure I can find it.

Speaker 2 Do you think you have a sexual addiction?

Speaker 2 Or just an addiction to

Speaker 5 excitement. Something about like...

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I feel the same way.

Speaker 2 I understand that excitement. It's almost as if like the excitement is, you know, building up to the mystery of what was going to happen is better than the actual event.
Oh, always. Right.

Speaker 2 It's always, but, right?

Speaker 2 So I understand that. Like, when I'm on dates and stuff, like that, it's like, what's going to happen? I get that.
Yeah. But to me, it's like, there's a limit, right?

Speaker 2 If I feel like you're taking it to the next level.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, it's not like, you know, yesterday I was doing this, but I've definitely had times in my...

Speaker 2 20s. Because you've had struggles with drug addiction and alcoholism and different things.
I think you and I have the same kind of like,

Speaker 2 you know problems. Not problems, but yeah, yeah, problems, I would say.
You know what I mean? And I just saying, do you think that you need help in any kind of way or you're fine?

Speaker 5 I don't think I need help. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's move on. Good.
Okay, good.

Speaker 2 We love you, a part of the show. Please stay part of the show because you're fucking crazy as fuck.
I love you. I love you, too.

Speaker 5 I feel like I just admitted to like a drug addict.

Speaker 2 You did?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 It's okay. We'll get you.

Speaker 2 You work hard enough. We'll get you.
I'm so glad that the episode turned this way. Yeah, it really got good.
Juicy, sign us out.

Speaker 4 Thank you for being a bad friend.