Bobby's Sober Birthday

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You two are bad friends. company and affiliates.
Potential savings will haven't lived alone in so long so I don't know how to function like I don't know how to clean things are you doing that again because you know you're one of my best friends you are you're doing hard 51 years old I understand that 51 I called you 7 times today I'm leaving for 2 months and I called you you 7 times and you can't pick up you're a movie star that's right pick up the phone so what I'm saying is that you know I'm going through a hard time I don't do movies that's what it is I don't do movies I don't get invited so you're bragging you just did the movie with Jamie Lee Curtis and all those people 9 years ago and that that's not going to come out. It shouldn't.
I know it shouldn't. But let me say this.
Yeah. Can I just express how I feel? Nah.
You know I'm leaving. And you didn't answer the phone before 3 p.m.
Can I? Okay. And you know I'm trying to coordinate stuff.
So all day. Coordinate? And I know you're not.
What's coordinate? I was trying to coordinate. And I know you're not sleeping.
I know you're on Raya or some bullshit. I'm on Raya?

The band?

I know you're on Raya.

Oh, Raya.

I know you're swiping.

When you see my call and you flick me away

because you're trying to get punani,

and that's not okay.

I don't get none.

Yes, you fucking do.

I do.

Now listen.

How many girls came to the store last night?

Or to the improv?

A couple.

You had a harem. And where were you? I'm Asian.
I need concubines. You don't know? You don't know? We need concubines.
Where were you when the show was over? Gone. And where was I? In the room.
Yeah. And they're all like, where's Bobby? Yeah, you're supposed to take care of my concubines.
I don't want a fucking concubine. Oh, you don't want- They're my concubines.
They're your concubines. You have red-headed white ones.
I have white concubines.

I know. Can I just tell you what's going on

with me? Yeah, please. Don't roll your eyes,

dude, because I want to be your friend. I didn't

roll my eyes. Yeah, you went like that.
Alright, ask me

again. Can I tell you what's going on

with me? Yes. Okay.

I have a sore throat. Oh, great.

And I cancel, and I'm losing

my voice, and I cancel my spots tonight. Why are you losing your voice? Do you think you have COVID? No.
Swear to God? I was screaming yesterday. Why? I perform.
At the improv? And the comedy store. Did you like your spot? At the improv? Yeah.
Did you? No. They were fucking terrible.
Well, you know why? Because he brings the students. He brought 35 students.
Dude, when you bring your students. It's always bad.
It's nighttime USA. Bad juju.
Nightmare. I mean, nightmare.
Not nighttime. Nightmare USA.
Not nighttime. It was nighttime.
It is. Do you guys think you're not funny for that age group? Dude.
Yeah, I just feel like I'm offensive. This motherfucker.
This fucking guy. You cut your bullshit out right now, pal.
Yeah, we're not Seinfeld. No.
All right? And we're not Carrot Top. We we don't do fucking props why'd you say Carrot Top what does that have to do why oh I pointed to you yeah why I'm sorry we're not Ken Jeong and Carrot Top yeah that's what I meant to say okay we're different we're different we have our own voices we have our own way of doing it but I'm by let me say something I'm by myself yeah right so I don't know how anything works like i've never used the washer and dryer you're right so i'm trying to figure out all the coat you know the buttons like what does this deep hot one do it says right on it i understand it's like home alone dude why are you fucking talking right this guy you're acting crazy yeah no he empowers them he brings students here and he thinks he's a comedian to them he's a comedian you know they don't even know his name's fancy yeah his name is fancy and can i say something students he has no power here none he has no power here powerless spanish turd yeah i can make one phone call gone who by the way yeah needs to button up his shirt scumbag so gross so gross and can i say students he never does that when not here.
That's right. He's doing that because you're here.
It's completely buttoned up to the top. But with the students, it's out.
Like, fuck. And you know what sucks about that move? You're not Burt Reynolds.
You're not. You have no hair there.
You're not. So it just looks like a little boy.
Burt Reynolds. You're Burt Reynolds.
You're Burt Reynolds, scumbag. You're like Burt Culkin.
Yeah, you're... You're one of the Culkins ones.

You are.

But you're young.

So a cat threw up.

No, not just...

It's a trail of throw up.

Oh.

Right?

So I wake up, my throat's sore.

Right?

Don't do that face, man.

I'm agreeing with you.

Watch.

I'm just on your team. All right.
Your throat is sore. My sore throat? Throat sore? Yeah.
And the cat? Cat vomit all the time. I'm cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.
Yeah. Did I realize I didn't eat? You haven't eaten yet.
Yeah. I have a Mexican food.
Hello? Why do you look at me? Because you're Mexican. Who's that? Is that Carlos? yeah what are you doing here yeah yeah come sit in the chair for a second so we can stranger danger danger stranger stranger danger stranger danger yeah yeah let me ask you something legitimately yeah did you offer the kids anything to eat like candy or anything no but there is candy out there where'd you get the candy are you growing out your hair dude of course i am.
He looks like a fucking molester, dude. Look at him.
No, he doesn't. You know who likes his hair? What? Children? Lumi Ray.
Oh. You have to bring up Lumi Ray, huh? Oh, I heard you brought her up on Tiger Belly.
And me. I had to hear from Kalilah.
Do you hang out with Lumi Ray? I have before. Yeah.
Yeah, we talk. Good.
person yeah all right yeah oh this bad something's going on here what's going on this i could just feel some heat there's no heat no you guys are good me and lumi are just friends me and lumi are also just friends yeah yeah any penetration penetration i'm asking uh no just energy penetration oh you think you have more energy penetration than i do no that No, just energy penetration.

You think you have more energy penetration than I do?

No, that's not what I meant.

Are you trying to say that your energy penetration is more?

When it comes to fucking energy penetration,

I'm fucking a Jedi Knight.

Number one.

Number one.

Number one.

Energy penetration.

You can't beat him.

I can fuck you right now with my energy.

Do it.

No, it was your asshole.

Oh, I was doing my mouth.

Whoa. Well, I opened the butthole and the mouth.
Did good to me That was crazy, dude Yeah, see? Whoa, both I do like this kimono that you're rocking today It's not a kimono Yeah, it is This is a kimono? What is it? What is it? It's a jacket A baseball shirt? It's a jacket It's not a jacket Yeah, you're right Google picture of a jacket And we'll show you what a jacket looks like Just so I can teach you a jacket It's a jacket. A baseball shirt? It's a jacket.
It's not a jacket. Yeah, you're right.
Google picture of a jacket, and we'll show you what a jacket looks like.

All right.

Just so I can teach you a jacket.

That's jacket.

Yeah.

All right, now do kimono.

Okay.

Do kimono.

Watch this.

Yeah, go ahead.

Kimono.

I wanted to see if you could spell it right.

Kimono.

Yeah.

Whoops.

Looks exactly like what you got on.

No, that looks nothing like what I have on.

Show me the difference of that and what you got on.

That one's more floral.

Yeah.

This is more of a chef's jacket.

Oh, that is a chef shirt.

Right?

That is a chef shirt.

Yes, chef.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, chef.

Everybody from today

moving forward all day today,

there it is.

I want to,

let's refer to Bobby

as yes, chef.

All day today.

Okay.

Yes, chef.

Yes, chef.

No, you don't say it. You're the fucking chef.
Why can't you be a chef? I'm not a chef. Oh.
I'm a, I'm a, I'm the bus boy. You look like a baker.
I'm a baker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, baker. What is he? Huh? What is he? The guy who collects all the, the, the, the oil that changes the oil vats at the end of the night.
I don't know. The Mexican at like two in the morning.
I don't know. I didn't want to say it, but you said it, I guess.
Well, if we had a restaurant, right? You're the baker. Yeah, you're the chef.
He's dishes. 100%.
I said the same thing. I tried to do that once.
They wouldn't let me in Beverly Hills. I went to a steakhouse.
You have to work there first. You can't just ask.
I wanted to work there. I walked in.
I was like, can I wash dishes? And they were like, absolutely not. Absolutely not.
I wouldn't let you touch the dirt even the dirty dishes I wouldn't let you talk that's what I was applying for to touch the dirty dishes and they said no yeah could I tell you why looks no because that's a big one that is a perfect one but I was gonna say that that's me oh you can okay right race what my race but wrong color exactly you're one of the light-skinned Mexicans. And they want the dark-skinned Mexicans because they work harder.
And there's no attitude. There's no like, hey, you know, it's my sister's quinceanera.
Right. You know what I mean? I got to go.
Can I get the day off? They would have the quinceanera at the restaurant. That's how dedicated they are.
We'll just have it here. Yeah, working and having it at the same time.
Have you had a quinceanera? I a couple but i've what what about yours i'm a male what's a guy version called there's no quinceanera for men no why what yeah guys don't get it we gotta do that because there's a bat mitzvah and a bar mitzvah for jewish kids right but for the boys there is none what does it say the quince años for a boy also follows the same traditional i didn't get that reasoning as modern quinceanera. So you present the child to God in front of their family and friends.
Gross. Well, we should do one now.
Quinceños. What's it called? Quinceños? Quinceños.
Have you heard of that? No, I feel like that's not like a popular one. It's more the quinceanera.
I think it's pretty fucking popular. Pretty popular.
Look at the photos. 2.4 million results.
I think this is the top one. I mean, I'm Mexican and I never heard of it.
Yeah, because that's why you're not the Washington... You also don't speak Spanish.
That's true. That's a big one.
That's sad. I want to say this.
I want to say this. Go ahead.
It is your sober birthday. So happy birthday.
Oh, well, finally. Something.
Oh my God. Something, you know.
That's something. Okay.
Can I tell you something something do you know you didn't even wish me happy birthday on my fucking real birthday this year it's not the same why I was born into the fucking world yeah we all were and I wish you happy birthday on your fucking birthday yeah and I think I mean thank you but I mean what yeah exactly he wants a gift like Gucci or something no he does well we got you a gift no that's not what I want gift number one come on in we got you gifts for your sober birthday here we go oh god I've always wanted one how many wait sit down sit down you said you always wanted one, what were you talking about? A token. A token what? A chip.
A token chip. Yeah, that's what it said.
You weren't referring to a kind of person at all, were you? What's your name? Sam. Sam.
Sam When you said token Did you mean chip?

This is a lot of chips man Yeah

Thank you so much

Why don't you look Sam in the face and say thank you Sam

I apologize

Say thank you Sam

What are you sorry for?

What?

Why are you apologizing to him?

Sam

For the years

Just for history?

History

Yeah

That's what I meant

That's Bob

You don't know Bobby every day

Sam are you part of the class?

Yes I am Thank you. years of just for history history history yeah that's what i meant that's bob you don't know bobby every day and in one of you part of the class yes i am okay cool how old are you 20 fuck yeah he's one of us he works on the inside he's our intern he's one of ours oh you're part of our company minion well then i can say whatever i want he's not a fucking wait let's stop let's stop he's an employee no he's not an employee we're not paying him He's an intern, so Alright, yeah He's working for free Can I ask you some questions, Sam? Sure Good Listen So much Okay, okay I mean It's great Can I tell you something? You know we're all on that pond right now And you can see that Water is gonna come right through at any point We're walking on Thin ice Oh, it's a cold pond.
No, it's warm, it's getting warm. I can tell.
But the ice is frozen? Well, you can tell there's a couple of bubbles popping up that are like, at some moment, we're gonna fall right through the ice. We're not.
You know that game when you hit the ice cubes out of the thing? Yeah. We've hit way too many.
There's almost none left. What was that called? Break the Ice.
Break the Ice, stupid game name. Yeah.
It was sort of like like Ask Sam anything. In The Dark Knight when that was the punishment, right? Whether you have to run across the ice.
Yeah. And then people fell through.
Sam, did you like The Dark Knight? I don't know what that is. Batman, Dark Knight? Mm-mm.
You don't know what that is? Any Batman movie? Mm-mm. You have never...
Okay, let's... Oh, this is great.
This is great. I love it.
Educate me. Educate? Yeah.
Yeah, open your eyes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's not Asian, I can say that. He should be saying that to you.
Thank you. If he was Asian, that would be weird.
I was gonna say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he's a black guy.
How do you know I'm not? Oh, here we go. No, no, no.
That is true. Is your last name Woods?

Are you Tiger Woods' brother?

No.

He might identify as black.

Are you Cobblication or whatever that thing is?

Belesian?

I'm not, though.

You're not Belesian.

Cobblication.

Yeah.

How do you identify?

Black.

There we go.

Told you.

I'm a Caribbean.

I knew it.

Nah, I told you.

Caribbean, is that what you said?

Yeah.

Your family's from the Caribbean? Yeah, I'm from Haiti. Love close to French Yeah Yeah The only reason I picked up on any of that stuff Is because I listened to Wyclef Jean's The Carnival For like 75 hours when I was a kid Do you know what that is Of course Do you know what that is I haven't listened to what you said He has no idea Because I'm focused on him Can I ask some questions Please So let me ask you, is it because of the genre? You don't like superhero genre movies? Well, I wasn't really a movie go-over as a kid, but I can adapt to it.
Oh, you can adapt to movies. Yes.
Right. I see.
So when you're in a movie theater, you have to change, adapt, figure it out. My parents never took me to movies as a kid, but...
Why is that? They're just boring and strict.

Okay.

Sorry, Mom, but...

Try some more.

No, because... See if you can crack this trunk open.

I can hear the ice cracking beneath my feet.

I feel it.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm when...

You know what?

I want to fall.

You know what I'm doing?

I want to die.

I'm going...

You know what?

I'm going to die, dude.

Walk out further.

I'm going to go further.

Walk out further.

I'm going to go further.

Go for it.

Here we go.

Here's a... Go for it, baby.
It's a go for it baby it's gonna be so comfortable come on sam okay so ask him what you want to ask him what i want to ask you so um you weren't your your parents didn't take you to movies right so you didn't move um grew up with movie culture right not really so what's the top three movies you've seen the top three movies i've seen yeah like in my movies I've seen. Yeah.
Like in my opinion or just. Your opinion.
Yeah. Yeah.
Not critics opinion or whatever. You know what I mean? Let's do it.
I got to think. Can I do my most recent movies? Yeah.
I guess. Okay.
I just saw the new Whitney movie. Love.
I love. You know Whitney Houston? The singer.
No. Bobby.
Stop. I know stop I know

I know

I want to dance with somebody

okay

I got it

can I have it

listen I'm a part of planet earth

okay

I know who Whitney is

okay

died in a tub

alright so Whitney

that's one of your favorite movies

because recently you saw it

what else

I was just saying my recent

yeah go ahead

it could be a favorite

um

what did I watch

I don't

I'm trying to remember

put him on the spot

I watch Black Panther

I feel like everyone's watched that

well

no

not all of us

Thank you. Yeah, go ahead.
It could be a favorite. What did I watch? I'm trying to remember.
Put him on the spot. I watched Black Panther.
I feel like everyone's watched that. Well, no.
Not all of us. Who's not all of us? The Wakanda Forever? Both of them? I saw the first one.
I haven't seen either. It's just too many black people for me for some reason.
It was just... No, I have seen it.
I have seen it. I didn't see the new one.
I don't think I wanted to see the new one.

I thought the first one was so good.

I don't know if I wanted to see the second one.

The new one is sad.

And I also, I didn't want it to ruin how I liked the first one.

Because I knew I was going to be like, this isn't as fucking good.

Yeah.

And it wasn't, was it?

Well, it was good.

It was just really sad.

Because, you know, we died.

Yeah, Chadwick Boseman.

What?

Can you imagine? Anyway, so Whitney, Wakanda Forever. Give know the lead died.
Yeah Chadwick Boseman. What can you imagine anyway? So Whitney

What kind of forever give me the third one? Oh wait, you're putting me on the spot How about some over the years the TV shows that you saw? Well, you're I was just talking about the parent trap today because I was writing a paper about it. That's good You're writing a paper about the parent trap.
Yes, man school is dog shit No, not for this class.

I'm in a history of film class.

I'm a film major, but movies, for some reason,

I'm in a history of film class. I'm a film major, but movies, for some reason, are not my niche.
Here's the deal about Sam. I like Sam.
Can we talk about what he just said? That was crazy. What? Yeah, I'm in film class, but movies not my thing? I said it's not my niche.
Oh, niche. There's a difference.
Oh, what's the difference between niche and thing? A niche is like,, wait I love his attitude He's fired You're hired again It can be like your thing But I feel like a niche is like That's really your thing And a thing can be multiple things Let me give you an example For music I can say my niche is R&B. But for one of my things, music is one of my things.
And then movies could be one of my other things. Yeah, I agree with almost nothing he just said.
I don't even understand any of that. But I was just talking.
Maybe one of the best lawyers I've ever seen. Presented a case without any evidence.
But still, as a judge, I'd go, fuck it. Fine, this guy did great.
right so he literally did this yeah like this ready go ahead the color blue yeah it's a color but it's also a thing of its own and doesn't have to be is it still yes yes that's what he just did yeah and did it work no no but it but it was a good try sam when sam's of school, and Sam's going to school for the audience who wants to know at Quinnipiac with Fancy, right? Can we say this? Yeah, we can. Yeah, okay.
Sam's going to school. Sam wants to come work with us maybe.
You do? But he's got some fucking demands. What is it? What are your demands? He wants to put him up in a house.
He said he has to have a house to live in, can't have an apartment. I was going to say transportation, but I didn't want to look too needy.
Right.

But I can do the buses and the I need my own wheels. Okay.

You don't have a car now. So we have to

give him a car and a place to live and he'll come here.

Think about it. Can he live

with you? No. Can he have your old car?

Yes, he can live with me. Can he have

your old car? I just thought about it. Okay.

I want him to live with me. Do you know how to work

a washer and dryer? Absolutely. Problem solved.
Will you you clean cat vomit i just told him i was oh i'll clean but not the cat vomit i don't even like cleaning human vomit right i get that i get that yeah but will you clean everything else of course okay so look clean can you cook absolutely cooks and cleans what can he cook um i just made chicken parm the other day i love you man thank you. Can I say that? Of course.
Yeah, I love you. Sam is one of us.
What do you mean by that? One of us. One of us.
One of us. I actually like him on the mic.
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, you're weird.
I am? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how about Sam stays there for a minute, and then we swap out Carlos and bring in-

Have a round of applause for Carlos.

Round of applause for Carlos.

Go, Carlos.

Let's bring in somebody that hasn't been around in a long time for a myriad of reasons, and

we're so happy that this person is back.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the return of the ever-famous-

Rudy Jules.

Probably the real star of this show, Rudy Jules.

Rudy Jules.

Bring her in.

Come on, everybody.

Rudy Jules.

Rudy, this is Sam.

Say hi to Sam.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Rudy.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I like your shirt.

Notice.

Thank you.

Thank you. It goes well with your shirt.
Did you notice what she did? Are you wearing makeup? A lot of makeup? Are you wearing makeup? Yeah. Oh.
Rude. Rudy's got some makeup on.
Did you notice she didn't shake his hand? Yeah. Do it.
It was deliberate. Deliberate.
He went to shake your hand and you didn't. Oh, I didn't see.

I wasn't.

Hi, sir.

Very good.

Rudy Jules, I haven't seen you in so long.

How's school?

It's good.

Busy.

I already have a work.

You already have a work?

Yeah.

You mean homework?

Work, work. What job do you have now?

I'm a student assistant at like a college of arts in Northridge. What does that mean? I don't know.
Is that a real job? What are you doing? Are you getting paid money or no? Mm-hmm. How much? Tell us.
$15.50 per hour. $15.50 for one whole hour? Amazing.
Good. No, that's good.
It is. Very good.
It's good money. Is it like your work study? No, it's just I take calls.
I greet people. You take calls to the, what is it? Like the phone and then I just answer.
Yeah, no, I know it's a fucking phone. But I'm saying, what are you making, who are you taking calls about? Like anyone.
If they have questions, then I just have to answer. Okay, here we go.
Ring, ring. Hello? It has to be like.

Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Bling, bling, bling, bling.

Can I see the department?

Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Bling, bling, bling.

Answer the phone first.

Answer the fucking phone.

Bling, bling, bling, bling.

Dean's office, how can I help you?

Sorry, say that again slower?

We're on a double call.

It's a two line.

It's a two line call.

What did you say again?

We don't understand what you're saying.

College Dean's office. Is this the Dean's office? Uh-huh.
Are we in trouble? Good one, Jimmy. Thank you.
Thanks, Kev. Hey, so listen.
We're curious to know about maybe one of our kids applying to come to school there. Did you put down the phone? No.
Sorry. I thought I heard you put down the phone.
Okay, so Jimmy and I, we're together. Yeah, we're together and we have a kid.
Yeah, we adopted a kid back in the 80s. Yep.
You know what I mean? I don't need to know personal information. Just tell me what you need.
That's rude. Oh, that's so rude.
Because we're trying to tell you about our background. Yeah.
Why? Hold on one second. This girl's a fucking bitch.
I fucking hate this. Should we yeah the dean ask for the dean yeah can we speak to the dean the dean um unfortunately the dean is unavailable right now you sound like a liar no anyway our kid right simone simone simoan he's simoan he's simoan and that's what he named him too because we were just kind of like we don't know what the name of him so we just named him Samoan.
Samoan. He's Samoan.
He's Samoan. And that's what he named him to.

Because we were just kind of like, we don't know what to name him.

So we just named him Samoan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So.

He wants to play football.

At your school.

Or wrestle.

Or wrestle.

Yeah.

Or do you have.

Or shot foot.

Do you have badminton?

Okay.

So this is College of Arts.

The Department of Arts.

Samoan paints. He does paint.
His watercolors. Samoan loves painting.
He loves the watercolors. So what does he want to do, football or painting? Okay, you can do both.
Yeah, you can do both. Hold on one second.
This fucking, I cannot stand this. It's called Harvard.
I know. I think we should go to Harvard.
We should, because Mike Curb is not going to get it done. Yeah, Mike Curb, yeah.
Anyway, so- So listen, we want our son to go there. He does paint with watercolors.
Yeah. Okay.
So what's the deal? Are you interested in our son, Samoan? Samoan Lee? Okay, so I'm just a student assistant, but I can transfer you to someone that knows more about this. Could have said that at the beginning.
Yeah. Could have said that right in when you started- We can't get that five minutes back.
Right. Okay.
I'm reporting you What's your name? Andrea Smart Very good See You're surviving You are surviving You do know So that's what you do You link up calls Yeah Wow And do you like it? Have you worked yet? Yeah I've been working for the past five days And then the first day I was so scared So every time I would take a call I would just right she's growing up she's growing up look at her are you still dating that same guy yeah whoa this is getting serious how long has this been now um you look at your hands when you figure out how long you've been with that guy like eight months how long have you and I known each other her hands are like an abac It's a beautiful mind. You see the equations on her hands.
I saw your show, Andrew. What do you mean? What show? Cheeseburger.
You saw my stand-up special. Yeah.
Did you like it? Yeah, but I don't remember your jokes. I don't need any more.
Did you like it? I was laughing. Good.
She didn't like it, but she laughed. Yeah.
But I'll take one of the two.

If you laugh and don't like it, still fine with that.

Thanks for watching.

Can I ask you some serious questions?

Mm-hmm.

So, you know they moved out.

So Kalilah and Jules moved out of my house.

We're happy about it. Do you miss me?

Yeah.

Oh, man. That's not real.
Yes, it was. It actually looked real.
Where do you live now? Somewhere. Some shithole, huh? Some shithole.
Yeah. Some fucking scum rat shithole.
Do you notice that I'm not around? I do. I do.
It's more cleaner. What did she say? It's cleaner.
No. Yeah.
No, it's not. It's not.
It is. That's why I miss it.
Because it feels different. Oh, you want it to be dirty.
Yeah. And how are the dogs acting? They're good.
They really like the place. They're like having fun in the backyard.
So they don't miss me at all, you don't think? I don't know. Oh, my God.
Why are you doing this to him? Just lie and say yes. Yeah, they miss him.
Yeah. They miss you, buddy.
They all miss you a lot. They all miss you a lot, Tick Toe Bobby.
So much. It's a fucking disaster.
It's pretty crazy how much they miss you. But I went to his place last night.
And then when I came in, it just smelled like vomit. Well, the cats threw up everywhere.
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Wait, so you guys used to live together with dogs and cats? Yeah. How did that go? Well, they planned on eating some of them but it never got around to it.
And you had your ex-girlfriend in the house too? Yeah. Wow.
Well, his ex-girlfriend is her aunt. Oh, okay, okay, family.
Yeah, they're family. That's blood.
And they used to be really blood with us, but now that they've departed, we feel like there's no connection anymore. Yeah.
It's really kind of sad. This show was kind of built on family.
And Sam's why kind of we're asking you to be a part of the family that's really yeah because these other people are we're done with the filipinos are we're done we're done with those people are you not from no no she's from the philippines yeah you just said you were but she's here i know but this is kind of an interim thing we bought them we we got them on discount pre-covid yeah what did we did we pay for that? $12.95. It was $12.95 pre-COVID? With the coupon.
Well, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.
If you, on the back of a Coke can, there's always, like, it's one for Six Flags and one for a Filipino. Filipino Coke cans.
They don't do it in America. We had to smuggle some Coke cans.
We peeled the label and said, you went too. And we won too.
One was hot. You know what I mean? One was like her niece.
Her niece. But I really do miss you guys.
We miss seeing you around the show. And I feel, honestly, I feel lost.
Yeah. I mean, I just, the honest truth is I feel so miserable and lost and empty.
How do you feel about that? I feel sad. Is that an emotion someone told you to feel or do you feel that real? I feel it here.
Yeah, that's where you feel the emotions. Yeah.
You wouldn't feel it here. It's like they just programmed her.
I know, I know. Like they just sent her out.
They were like, okay, we just reprogrammed her. No, but I am a C2 Bobby.
You're sad. Yeah.
So, did you see the Washington, I mean the, not Washington Journal, the Wall Street Journal, they did an opinion piece there are too many Asians I agree did I write this piece? no what do you mean there's actually there's a big you know there's a big you know China is struggling their population is I know down for the first time just go to images maybe well the problem is it's that China is having less babies. Yeah, right there.
Any of those baby ones. Are there too many Asians? Are there too many Asians? Let's answer that question.
Sam? Yes, Sam. Are there too many Asians? I don't think so.
How many would you... You want more? Sure.
My best friend is Asian. That's great.
Yeah. Hey, this is going to be my first time with Sam doing this.
Get closer to the mic.

The old days.

We used to yell at her about that all the time.

So wait, you don't think there are too many Asians?

Not really.

I don't see you often from where I'm from.

Right.

Where are you from?

Jersey.

Oh, there's not a lot.

No.

If you go to New York, then you'll see something.

Yeah, I know.

We've been there.

So you're saying you're a part of Jersey.

There's not a lot of Asians.

Not really, not.

What part of Jersey are you from?

I'm from North Jersey. North Jersey? Yeah.
I'm not like near the beaches. I'm like more in the city.
Okay. I love when they say beaches in New Jersey.
They are beaches. Yeah, but not really.
No, it is. Yes, they are.
Really? I haven't been to the Cali beaches yet. So you can't.
So what I'm saying is, is that like, you know, a professional super will go. Let's go to New Jersey and ride the waves.
Yeah. They do.
Yes. Don't do that.
What do we do? Don't do that. Do what? We have nice beaches.
I know, but there's no waves. There's no fucking palm trees.
You want to go to the Jersey Shore? It's dirty by the boardwalk, but you can get some waves if you go a little further. That should be on a t-shirt.
Like, what, three miles in? No. I don't know.
I don't swim. Wait, you don't swim? Wait, stop.
I didn't say anything. I know what you're thinking.
Wait, wait, wait. You don't swim.
I do not. Why? I don't know how to swim.
So it's either I drown or I just walk on four feet pools. Well, we got to figure that out.
We got to figure that out. I feel like we're getting back out on that ice again.
Just getting a little jumpy. Yeah, it feels very icy.
I feel like we're getting right back out on the ice again. I know.
Yeah, go ahead. In my islands, not a lot of Filipinos know how to swim.
Yeah, but that's because Why? Sharks. Because they're too afraid to go to the sun because they don't want to get dark.
Oh, boy. I feel like we're all back out on the ice again.
No me oh she is now oh yeah and i'm ashore going you guys come on get off the ice but you know what it is about filipino they probably believe in some weird fucking hocus pocus thing that's in the water you know them they probably tricked filipinos to be like you can't go swim otherwise the the monster of bucatat will come get you you know what i mean they tricked they want them to stay on the island. Right.
Is there like a Loch Ness kind of a vibe in... There's nothing in the water.
There's that sea creature in the Philippines that you get scared of. No.
Oh, wow. Yeah, there is.
There is. What's it called? What's the sea creature in the Philippines that they trick you guys as kids not to go swimming? Yeah, yeah.
It's, um... But not...
What is it? Wait. What is it called? I'm trying to remember.
Yeah, try to remember. Dugong.
Oh, the dugong. Dugong.
See? Try to find dugong. Dugong Philippines creature.
It's a creepy... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard of it before. In New Jersey, is there a fucking creature that black people are afraid of? No.
Oh, okay. Just and the trash.
Maybe R. Kelly's out there.
Yeah, I guess. Maybe R.
Kelly's in the water. Oh, is that what it looks like? There's the dugong in the Philippines.
That's a manatee. I'm going to say, it looks like a big walrus.
No, that's the dugong and they will eat you and they don't want you to go out in the Philippines because it'll, see? That looks like a bloated dolphin. I don't know.
Manatee. Manatee.
Well, it is. That's what they call him.

But that is a bloated dolphin.

Let's just have Sam say thank you to Sam and let's get Sam back in his seat.

Thank you, Sam.

Thank you, Sam.

Sam, we love you.

Sam, you're the greatest of all time.

Okay, so here's the deal.

Can I ask them real quick?

We have a couple more gifts for you

because of your sobriety.

So let's bring in the second gift.

We can rifle through it.

We're proud of you.

Hi.

All right.

How are you?

Okay.

Thank you.

Can you sit down for a second?

What's your name?

Grace.

Thank you. bring in the second gift we can rifle through it pretty we're proud of you okay hi all right okay thank you can you sit down for a second what's your name grace grace say it into the mic grace here comes grace hi grace hi well that might turn your face grace i never could get i get a hold of this book but it's good it's stinking thinking by gail rosolini it's a really good book it's a great book it's a classic and um did you buy it for me? Yeah, straight from the heart.
Oh, you bought it from the heart? Yeah, she paid with emotion. That's great.
Did you go to the store and buy this? Yeah. That's where you get books.
I know, but what book did you go to? Make it up, Grace. Are there Barnes and Nobles in California? There sure are.
Okay. Grace, what year are you at the school? This is my second year.
Sophomore. Yeah.
That's what we say. We say sophomore, but you say second year, and I get it, because maybe you'll do more than four years.
I'm actually doing, I'm graduating next year. Whoa.
Someone's smart. Yes, Bob.
Yes. May I? Please.
Do you think I have stinking thinking? No Then why would you get me this book? I mean I like the cover It's cute Alright Grace you can go back Thank you Grace Thank you Grace No? Stay Stay So you just kind of walked into the Bookstore And just grabbed whatever the shelf. Like I said, it came from the heart.
So I was like, you know, I let my heart guide me. Oh, so your heart guided you.
Yes. That's interesting.
Do you do that with all your life when you go to a restaurant? Pretty much. You close your eyes.
My heart says. Yeah.
Yeah. I meditate on it a little bit.
You do? Yeah. Well, thank you so much for the book.
How much sobriety time do i have not enough that is such a good answer she's so good not enough is right i can't get her where are you from i'm from boston fuck yeah man what a great town boston boston's a great town one of the best you guys are tough people we are yeah do you want to fight maybe later oh wow you go catholic i did i up Catholic? I did. I went to Catholic school.
Wow, you really, you know what I mean? I got the whole experience. You did? Whole package.
With the priests and everything. Priests, yeah.
That's great. I just feel like I'm on the ice again.
Yeah. Once I said priest, yeah.
We're immediately back out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you so much for the book. Of course.
Thank you, Grace. Give it up for Grace.
Is Grace a lot of the best. Is there more gifts? Yeah, let's get a couple more gifts in here.
Who's next for the gift? This guy needs gifts. Thank you, Grace.
You're the best. Really appreciate you, Grace.
You guys are great. Hey.
Hey. This one you're going to love.
Take a seat. She doesn't know much, but she's a nice girl.
We spoke before. What's that? Pull the mic to your face.
Oh, okay. I don't know much, so.
No, girl we spoke before what's that pull the mic to your face oh okay you might know much so no no no no matt put this close to your mouth oh really close there you go okay yeah so this girl her name is a what is it what is it it's taylor taylor taylor fuck like the swift that's right exactly good what's so funny Nothing So Taylor Taylor you got me this hat I did What does it say in the front?

It's Fuck Like the swift That's right Exactly Good What's so funny Nothing So Taylor Taylor you got me this hat I did What does it say in the front It says one day at a time And what's the creature in the front That's a camel She's very good Yeah She got it So one day at a time And why Why'd you get me this hat Why do you think It says one day at a time You just gotta take things One day at day at a time. What does that mean to you, though? What I just said.

Great.

That's pretty good.

Is this an advertisement for cigarettes?

Is this a camel cigarette?

Is that what that is?

No, it really is like AA approved.

But what does the camel have to do with anything?

I don't know.

Because they move slowly.

Huh?

They're dry.

Dry and you're dry.

You're sober.

You're dry.

Or they move very slowly. Or they spit a lot.
Yeah. The camel represents something in AA.
What is it? It's a symbol for sobriety because a camel can go 24 hours without a drink. There you go.
Yeah, but that's just one day. But one day.
But one day at a time. Camel one day.
I know, but then tomorrow, the camel might be drinking. Right, right.
He's drinking the next day. It just means he goes one day without drinking.
Yeah. That's why we're taking it one day at a time.
Yeah. Great gift, Taylor.
And when they say drinking, was it like alcohol? Do camels drink alcohol? They do. Or is it water that we're drinking? No, they survive on just alcohol.
Yeah. What? Like sex on the beach or whatever? Yeah.
Taylor. Yeah.
Taylor, your energy was amazing. That's why I was happy to bring you on the show because when you got a gift, I knew that you were going to give Bobby something meaningful and wonderful.
Yeah, of course. Because you care about Bobby, don't you? I do.
Tell him how big of a fan you are. Oh, I'm your biggest fan.
Name some of the stuff you've seen. Yeah, also, let me ask him quickly.
So, what city am I from? What city are you from? I don't know, this one? Yes. Very good.
to San Diego. Very good.
Very close to San Diego. Close.
Yeah, close enough. How old is Bobby? How old is Bobby? 51.
51. Wow.
That was good. She knows.
That's pretty good. I knew that.
How tall is Bobby? 5'4". That's right.
5'4". That's great.
I saw the hand. I didn't show her anything.
Yeah. Let me see your hands.
I waved at her. That's great.
I went, Taylor. Oh you did? Yeah.
Oh my bad. Yeah.
And which

Asian is Bobby?

Gonna go Korean. There it is.
You've seen Korean before?

Did I? Yeah. I don't think so.

You're Korean. What? I didn't say that.

Did I say that?

I don't think I did. What was Bobby's

favorite drug when he was using?

See? I don't know him from those

days. Oh those are old days.
Yeah.

I bet you could guess just by looking at his face though.

Huh? Uh. We'll say

at the same time. We'll pick a drug on the count of three.
One, two,

to See, I don't know him from those days. Oh, those are old days.
I bet you could guess just by looking at his face though, huh?

We'll say at the same time.

We'll pick a drug on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Methamphetamine.

That one's good too.

Wow, I look like a meth addict.

She's right.

This is great.

That's insane.

That's crazy what you did.

I love it.

But he's a good looking guy though still, right?

After all those years. Yeah, of course.

Like out of 10, we'd rank him out of 10.

We'll say it together on the count of three. He's a one, two, three.
11. Wow.
Okay. Give me some of the movies I've seen.
Some of the movies that I've seen? That I've been in. That you've been in? Yeah.
I don't know. I haven't.
I'm like Sam. Film major.
Haven't seen a lot of movies. Haven't seen a lot of movies.
That's normal. She's Gen Z.
Any TV show I was in?

No.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

That's okay.

But she's not a fan though.

She is a fan.

She said she thinks you're so cool.

What TV shows has he been in?

Not a fan.

See, she's not a fan of me.

It was a really good Kevin Hart movie he did on Netflix.

It's really good.

It is pretty good.

What's it called?

Me Time.

It's called, right?

Me Time?

Yeah. Yeah.
Me Time right there. There it is.
And Andrew steals the movie again. That's why he's going to Australia to do another movie.
Yeah. I believe it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Good. There I am.
There he is. Look at him.
Kevin Hart is right there. Yeah.
That's me and Kevin Hart together. You're towering over him.
I'm 6'1". Yeah.
And he's 4'3". So, you know, of course he is.
Look at that. That is a funny scale.
Yeah. It is kind of cool working with him because you're allowed to pick him up whenever you want.
Yeah, you are. Kind of like, you know, at your dog at your house you can pick it up and kiss it? Yeah, he'll let you put, you can put him on his dashboard in your car and just drive around town.
He loves it. His head wobbles a little bit.
He does a wobble thing. Taylor, what a pleasure it's been having you on this show.
I want to say that. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
Is there any more gifts? And we got some more gifts. Let's swap out a little bit of Taylor.
Shout out to Taylor. Thank you, Taylor.
You're the best. Thank you.
Tay Tay. Your legs are so thin there, Andrew.
Are my legs thin there? I mean, I think it's just the pants. Pants are tight.
What's up, dude? Fuck yeah, bro. You're going to like this guy.
He's Jewish. I love them.
All right, Kanye. That's good.
We do more of that in the world. That's right.
Oh, yeah. We really love Kanye.
Kanye's already gone. This book says.
What is the book he bought you? What is the book he bought me? Substance Abuse and Gay Men. Pull that mic towards your face.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Substance abuse and...

I don't remember.

Substance abuse and yourself and your one.

I was reading it a little bit.

Say your name again.

Ari.

Ari.

Should have guessed it.

The book that Ari got you is

Gay Men and Substance Abuse.

And I got to tell you,

this is a good book. It i've read this yeah yeah i just it's a basic guide for addicts and those who care for them so michael shelton wrote this he's an he's a he's an ms cac yeah see at the bottom he's an ms yeah let me ask you something what is i mean what would be the difference between a gay man being an alcoholic and a straight man being an alcoholic no you tell us well uh all right ari where are you from uh i am i'm also from boston oh but another bostonian another bostonian um are your are your uh are your dreams and aspirations to move to los angeles and get to film or to go to new york i mean los ang Angeles, yeah.
You read me pretty well. That's right.
It's all here in this book. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you want to move to Los Angeles. All right, do you think I'm gay? After last night, I mean, I'm not really sure.
I was there last night, you know, the improv club. Right.
Interesting way to start. After last night, usually it would have been a joke about you guys fucking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then he took it back to reality that he saw you do stand-up.
So after last night, so before you saw my show, you were like, he's not gay. And then you saw the show.
And then what's the conclusion? Well, I mean, you did show us your pubes yesterday. That's right.
I mean, but you're the second comedian pubes I've seen. Eric Andre was first.
There we go. Whose were nicer? You know, he's dating Emily Ratajkowski, and you're not.
I'm alone. Just because I got you that book out of love, I think I'm going to say yours.
You have nicer pubes. Yeah.
Son of a bitch. What about, did my act make you feel like I was gay, though?

Aside from the pubes?

No.

No, that was just like the one and only thing.

The rest of your act, you gave me all the good vibes.

Are you straight, Ari?

Yeah, probably.

Wow.

Wow.

It's a new generation.

Yeah.

May I explode that?

Oh, no, of course.

Explode. Yeah, yeah.

Back at the pond.

Back at the pond, right. So probably you're straight.
I mean, definitely. Have you thought about? Yeah, everyone has.
It's 2023. You know what? I love this guy so much.
Yeah. I love this guy so much.
Yeah. Have you thought about? What? That's my roommate, actually, who I've lived with for two years.
Yeah. That's what they tell their parents.
Direct roommate. Yeah, yeah.
No, Dad, That's my roommate actually Who I've lived with for two years Direct roommate

No dad it's my roommate

Sure

Yeah

Who's your roommate

Can you bring your roommate out

Roommate

Oh yeah

100%

He came in like fucking

Sean Hayes

Yeah, this is... Oh yeah 100% He came in like fucking Sean Hayes

Whoa dude

I've never seen this

He's a sitcom gay

He just walked in

Wait hold on one second

Rudy will you swap with him

And let him do the mic real fast

Just for two minutes

We do want to talk to Rudy when she gets back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is, what's your name? I'm Nick. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. You know what Nick rhymes with? Yeah.
Do you guys sleep in bunk beds? We mega bed sometimes. What's mega bed? What's a mega bed? I mean, we have two single beds and just push it together the heat there's no heating at our school does who buys breakfast i make breakfast who does he makes it he makes the breakfast yes he does yeah yeah there's no shame in this you know i mean i mean him and i have done that too yeah we've mega bad yeah oh we saw your yeah shirt that you've seen the shirts yeah yeah we've mega bedded we've done some stuff that's right yeah so you know you guys should feel good about you're good about whatever you got going on you know and i saw you both want to be in film yeah i feel like they're gonna make movies together we have we have made movies yeah yeah and babies who made you what do you mean you make movies already you already done it we've made like short films i like that can we see them one day yeah direct and write yeah yeah right these guys are gonna give us jobs down the road well i mean in fact if you guys write a really good short script maybe andrew and i could be the stars oh 100% how great would that be so down for that yeah yeah are you guys available next no no no no Talk to my age Give them our own Thank you boys Very good Man this has been fucking weird as shit It's the weirdest show we've ever done It's the weirdest fucking show I think we've ever done in our fucking lives butcher box oh i love me i am a mate adrian also i like high quality meat yes but that's how i like to eat my meat yeah you don't want cheap meat you like good meat baby yeah so uh butcher box does that they take the guesswork out of finding high quality meat and seafood you can trust 100 grass-fed beef organic chicken pork raised crate free andcaught seafood.
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Tito's out.

You're still dating that guy.

You're getting paid big bucks to work in the dean's office life is good what's next for you you're not coming on the road with us you're not doing bad friends live i can't because i know too famous too rich no i see your follow count How many files do you have now? Let me check.

110.

100. How many files do you have now? Let me check 110 110,000

Damn

You know how many comics we know

That are legitimate comics

That'll have 30,000

I know

20,000

Yeah well you deserve it

You work super hard to get to where you are

And now

When you're on campus

Do you wear a mask?

Sometimes

Like in the classroom I do But outside no When you walk around outside Does're on campus, do you wear a mask? Sometimes. Like, in the classroom I do, but outside, no.
When you walk around outside. Does anybody on campus recognize you? Last Tuesday, I was, like, just walking around the campus.
And then, like, two guys, like, just stopped in front of me. And they said, wait, are you Rudy? Wow.
Wow. And what'd you say? Yeah.
Were they cute? They're fine. Yeah, yeah.
And did you have a conversation with them or you just kind of walked off like a Hollywood star? No, I said, yeah. And I said, hi.
And then he was like, oh, I thought you were going to work at the bookstore because I work there. He went to the bookstore because you used to work there.
I don't know. But he worked there already.
Oh, he already worked there. And then he saw my name on the list and then he was like i was so excited but then you didn't come sounds like a stalker yeah sounds like stay away from yeah stay away from that yeah he's a murderer so that's the only time you're gonna recognize on campus oh interesting what what's wrong it's just she's all grown up it's sad yeah but she's gone she moved out she's a you know she got really fat I mean it's just like everything changed gateway you've gained so much you're so much fatter than you used to be yeah yeah when we first saw you you were just a tiny little thing now you're a fucking whale I mean Brendan Fraser's got nothing on you yeah yeah well there's a lot of good foods.
Bring up a picture of Brendan Fraser and the whale. And you look almost exactly like this.
This is basically you. Yeah, yeah.
I think that looks exactly- Jules? I don't feel any double chin here. I got to be honest with you.
Yeah, yeah. I can't tell the difference between that and you right now.
Did you see the movie? No, but I've heard it's so good. I want to watch it.
We're just kidding. We're kidding.
You We're joking around, you fucking weirdo. What the fuck are you talking about? What an idiot.
That does look like you, though, you fat piece of shit. That looks like...
He almost died gaining the weight. I mean, I know he's wearing prosthetics as well, but he also gained so much weight for this role.
Yeah. Would you ever do that? Like how? Yeah, I know you would.
For an A24 movie? Yeah. I'd be 3,000 pounds.
I don't give a fuck. What if they told you the risk of dying was 50-50? I'd rather die.
Then what? Then just continue. Could not be in the movie.
Wow. Yeah.
So if they said we'll give you, it's not going to pay that well. I don't care.
It's kind of a passion project. I'll do it for free.
Wow. If it's a great project, I'll do it for free.
You're willing to die for the project? Yeah. That's wild.
I mean, is there any director that you would work for just and go all the way like that? No, I'm saying, I would go all the way, but if the risk was that I was going to die... Scorsese.
So Scorsese calls you, right? Yeah. Hey, Marty.
Hey, how you doing? Good. It's Marty.
Oh, hey, Marty. How you doing? I'm wonderful.
How are you? I just want to answer. When I asked you the first time, I said, how you doing? Then you said, Marty, Marty, and I was like, I want to know what the fucking answer is.
Yeah, sorry about that. I'm sorry.
How you doing? I'm wonderful. How are you? I just wanted to answer.
When I asked you the first time, you know, I said, how you doing? And then you said, Mari, Mari. And I was like, I want to know what the fucking answer is.
Oh, right. Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm sorry. How you doing? I'm good.
How are you? Pretty good. Great.
Yo, so can I say yo? Sure. I'm Italian.
It doesn't come naturally. Right.
Anyway, me, Pecci, De Niro, right? Leo, doing a movie. Yeah.
Yeah? It's called The Hunt for Red October 2.

It's in the submarine.

Oh, wow.

That sounds awesome.

Yeah.

Leo's going to play a Russian.

Okay.

And then the Alec Baldwin part, you know what I mean, is going to be De Niro.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Is he not a veil?

He's in the movie.

He's in the movie.

Baldwin's not a veil, though? No, he's not the movie baldwin's not available no he's not well he already did the first one right right i want you in the movie can you send me a script you would really say that sorry you would really say that uh i mean i want to read what did you write it who wrote it hey it's me marty the here we Marty can I tell you what the part is? yeah you gotta gain a thousand pounds you're playing a submarine oh everyone's inside of me inside you is this gay porn? no it's not gay porn Marty they come in through your butthole though I kind of like some of this yeah yeah and then you know and then the US, and then the U.S. You're a Russian submarine.
Uh-huh. Bobby Lee is going to play the U.S.
submarine. No, North Korean.
We changed it to North Korean, right? Yeah. When Bobby Lee was attached.
Yeah, North Korea. Yeah, Bobby Lee's a North Korean submarine.
I'm sorry, Marty. Bobby Lee's attached.
I'm out. Have a good day.
Bye. Really? Yep.
That's your line. If he attached you before me, I'm out.
that's honestly shut the fuck up I think that's how you really feel shut the fuck up because you're doing so well right now I'm so proud of you shut up I know you are why don't we give Andrew Santino a run he's doing real big movies and you know what I mean one after another house party the one with the fucking time you know you're on this new movie what was the definition of jealousy is that what you just pull off yeah i'm not jealous i'm supportive it says raises voice immediately i love it i'm so happy for you man it's so good it's so exciting looks away often continues to repeat the same word over and over fuck this is wild man says. Fantastic stuff, man.
Says stuff like fantastic stuff, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's right there on the definition. No, I would gain weight and do a fucking thing for a role, but it also would have to, like, the gaining weight thing would be tough.
Why? Because I feel like you just- Would you rather gain weight or lose weight like fucking Christian Bale did for the Machinist? 100% lose weight. I would get like...
He almost died.

I know.

But at least he did.

He ate an apple a day for like a year.

Yeah, and a can of tuna.

Apple a day and a can of tuna.

Look at that.

That's Christian Bale in a movie.

He looks good.

Yeah.

Zoom in in a photo.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's funny.

He lost all that weight for this fucking movie.

Then he did Batman Begins after that.

Right after he did Batman. So he had to gain like a thousand pounds after that.
How crazy is that? It's fucking nuts. It's insane.
Look at that body though. He would like shit a Tic Tac.
Yeah. You know who has that body? Tony Hinchcliffe.
Not anymore. He gained weight in Texas.
Tony gained a little weight in Texas. He does.
It looks a little weird. Yeah.
Anyway. What an actor.
F actor Fance yep they saw you Fancy thanks a lot for bringing the kids into the show man that was great of you dude we really love it yeah thank you we love it yeah I know yeah you did great and where were you for fucking 30 minutes I was getting fired fired from the university. Did you really get fired? For bringing them here.
Did you get in trouble? Are you going to get in trouble? Of course. It got really weird.
It got really weird in here. This whole episode has been one of the weirdest episodes we've ever done.
Yeah, yeah. By and large.
I feel the rhythm is so weird. Weirdly enough, parents love it, and then they follow the show.
The The mom and dad That's the demographic we're trying to go for The parents are our age That's the thing Because they're all 19 and 22 And their mom and dads are fucking 50 So you What? Hey kids How old is your dad? Like 50 Your dad, yeah They're younger than you What'd you just say? They're younger than you That was Sam That was Sam Sassy fucking Sam I know his fucking voice now He's a sassy fucking bitch He's a sassy bitch Younger than you Yeah, you know what? That's his new nickname Sassy Sam Sassy bitch You sassy bitch S.B. Sam S.B.
Sam That's your new nickname dude Cause of that fucking thing How old is your dad Sam? 53 53 That's older than us I was trying to be funny Oh Oh That was sassy too That was sassy too You don't know a joke? I was trying to be funny Yeah Fucking asshole dude I love that guy that guy. Love Sam, dude.
He's a permanent fixture of this fucking show. I think so.
I think we found a replacement. For who? You know who.
For me? No. I know.
For the other one. Not you.
Why are you looking at me? Because you're, you know. I got to tell you you I want to do a little throwback

sentimental stuff real fast.

I remember when you

first came on this show, because now this is

probably one of the last episodes you're going to be on this show.

You're never going to come back, are you?

I think so. Pretty rarely.

When you first came on this show and your only

goal was to make sure that Tito Bobby didn't

go to a drive-thru or didn't go to CVS.

Yeah, so he won't die.

So he wouldn't die. That little

moment in time turned into one of the greatest relationships this show could have ever wished for. And somebody did a little compilation I guess we want to show you.
Let's see it. Closer to the mic.
Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you. Closer to the mic, Jules.
Fuck. Get closer to the mic.
Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic Yeah you have to get Closer to the mic So we can hear you Closer to the mic Jules Fuck Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic Get closer to the mic Instead of crying Jules Jules See how There's this much space Get closer to the mic Talking to the mic Get closer to the mic Juliana Get closer to the fucking mic That was a lot I don't remember Tito Bobby saying it at all.
He yelled at you every episode. Have you brought girls over, Tito Bobby? No.
No? Good question. No.
Yes, he has. No, I haven't.
Yes, he has. Tonight.
Tonight. Yeah.
To clean up, because I need somebody to clean up the flat vomit. Wait, so you have someone coming over? Is sleep over Yeah Wow I've had already The same girls Spend the night at the house But they don't like They just leave at 2am I hear them No they don't What do you mean you hear them Yeah some of them do But this one stays the night Oh One time she spends the night She's gonna spend the night Why It's good when they leave at 2am.m.
I'm just curious. Yeah, yeah.

Because I hear them.

Like, they're stubs.

Do you hear us?

No.

The moans?

No.

Okay, good.

Because there is an A.

I'm Christian.

What are you guys moaning about?

You just moaning at each other?

We watch movies.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Watch out.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

When someone, yeah, when someone's, it's always like murder.

Coming soon to infer you!

Will you?

Are you dating someone seriously?

No.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Who?

Me.

Yeah, Andrew.

But no, I'm not.

But you know, there's...

Yeah, I'll be single for a very long time, I think.

Have you ever cooked for a woman?

No.

Never once?

I can cook. What can you cook? Spaghetti.
There sauce is good yeah do you make sauce from scratch or you just open a can of ragu and call it your own you want to tell me can I tell you what I do yeah okay I take that wooden thing what that's a very vague what that's very vague I know what is it a cutting All right. See, I didn't even have to say it.
Well, okay. You already knew what I was saying.
I did. Cutting board.
Got it. I go to the store.
I buy veggies. You buy veggies? I buy veggies.
But are you bringing the cutting board to the store with you? Are you doing it in the shop? I bring it just to see if the vegetables fit on the cutting board. Yeah, that makes sense.
So I'll lay it down at the vegetable section.

Right?

And I'll lay things down there.

I go, it fits.

That all fits.

Yeah, yeah.

People think it's weird, but that's not it.

Glad I brought the cutting board.

So I buy onions.

Got it.

Mushrooms.

Got it.

Whole garlic.

Yeah.

What?

No, no, I like it.

Basil.

Yep.

Basil.

How do you say it?

It's basil.

Is that basil?

It's basil.

Oh.

How do you say it?

We'll see you next time. yeah what no no i like basil yep yeah basil yeah how do you say it it's basil is that basil it's basil oh how do you say it basil exactly yeah it's basil okay potato potato that's patuto so you buy these i buy i buy that and then what i do i buy ground beef why are you laughing i love ground beef yeah but i get the ones that lean it's sideways yes yeah it just does this yeah like the packaging it's all one side yeah it leans yeah and because I don't like what's filled or it's in the center it's gotta lean full beef is bad lean beef is bad yeah lean beef is the best and what I do is I bring I bring pasta, just the dry stuff at the store.
You buy dry pasta. Yeah, yeah.
Good. You get the wet one.
I like it wet. Really? I like it dry.
I like a wet noodle. Yeah.
I dry it out. I'm a wet noodle.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
So I bring all that stuff home, and then I take the cutting board because i bring it to the car because it's you know it's in the car yeah yeah i forget in the car always yes i forget it right got it back up and then i chop chop chop chop chop chop chop chop right and um it goes like this when you chop up the vegetables go there no yeah yeah you went there no yeah so you chop it up you're on ice you chop up the vegetables. Go there.
No.

Yeah, yeah.

You went there.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

So you chop it up.

You're on ice.

You chop it up.

Do you use chopsticks when you chop it up?

No.

Listen, I don't know why I did that.

Stop it.

So I chop it, right?

And then I put olive oil in the skillet.

Very smart.

Thank you.

And then I put the garlic in, low simmer, and I start simmering the vegetables man okay right is that my boring you where's the sauce oh fuck i forgot i forgot to buy it from the store i gotta go back you gotta go all the way back yeah i'm gonna leave the cutting board because it has nothing to do i think you should bring it all right i put that because there's already chopped vegetables on it bring it put saran wrap over and bring it no I'm not doing that I'll take the cutting board I already did it look I already did it now you have to bring it all right so I bring it you have the cutting board with vegetables already I don't know why I would have a cutting board full of vegetables at the store why not exactly yeah I'm at the fucking pasta aisle here you are at the pasta aisle all Right. What are you buying? I don't get Barillo.

Well, you don't like Barillo.

I just don't like the name.

Barillo.

Yeah, yeah.

Which one do you like?

I like... It's light blue.

With a yellow little label.

Yes.

Ronzoni.

No, it's Ronzon.

Ronzoni.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I get that.

I like spaghetti.

I don't like any other kind. Only noodles you like are spaghetti.
I like the thin ones. Pusili can fuck off.
Angel can go fuck itself. Fuck off.
Yeah, yeah Anyway I get that I like spaghetti I don't like any other kind Only noodles you like are spaghetti I like the thin ones Pusili can fuck off Angel can go fuck itself Fuck off Yeah yeah yeah Bowtie Fuck off Go fuck yourself Orchette Fuck off Go fuck Gnocchi Gnocchi Don't like it Stay Gnocchi can stay Oh it can Yeah Okay Okay You're welcome Thank you So you got your spaghetti noodles I bring it back With the vegetables Did you buy the sauce this time or did we forget again? Oh, fuck! We forgot it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I went back. At this point, we should just go to Olive Garden.
I get the truffle company, though. Truffle? That's the sauce company.
Oh, right, truff, yeah. Truff, right? Yeah.
And I get that. And then I simmer the vegetables.
This is that garlic, all that stuff. I drain it a bit, all the excess oil and stuff.
and then I so anyway I simmer the vegetables this is that garlic all that stuff I drain it a bit all the excess oil and stuff and then I put the meat in and I stir up the meat and then I drain it again with the vegetables and the meat and then I put the sauce in the fucking thing I cook that up meanwhile I'm having the fucking I'm doing the fucking pasta part what's going on over there I just put the pasta on the fucking thing. On the what? Just right on the fire? Yes.
It doesn't seem to work. It's so crunchy.
For some reason, she said she likes it. Yeah, yeah.
So burnt pasta is your thing. No, I put water, and I have a time for 11 minutes.
Right, so you know down to the science. Yeah, and I also taste it just in case.
I don't like it too...

Al dente?

Al dente.

You want it soft?

But also I don't like it too soft.

It's got to be perfect for me.

I have a way of doing it.

When I stick it out, I stick it in my mouth.

I go, that's it.

How do you know?

I smile.

I go out like that.

Do you think perfect noodle measurement is in your blood?

I think so.

Like you're born with it.

I think you are too.

You're not?

Not the way you are.

Thank you.

You're a noodle king.

Thank you.

You are my noodle king.

So I drain the pasta,

I put the sauce on,

and I eat it.

And you serve it to this scumbag.

Well, no,

she always eats the leftovers.

Yeah, she looks like a leftover girl.

So I put it in a thing,

and then in the refrigerator, she'll eat it. Yeah.
Tupperware. So that's the only thing I can cook.
Spaghetti. Yeah.
Will you cook it for this girl? No. The girl that's coming over? No.
You don't want to cook anything for her? No. Now, is it a kind of girl that gets you to cook for her? Is it that she has to deserve it? And she's not made it to Bobby Cook for you rank? No, I've never cooked no one's ever reached that level of fucking trust not even the K almost she didn't get there after 8 years I want two fingers in the butthole so one finger is going to get you order in are you going to order in with this girl tonight you're going to're going to go out.
No, I order in. What are you ordering for her? Either maestro's or boa.
Fancy boy. I know.
You're spending that money. I had to say that.
No, no, no. What do you cook? What do I cook? What do I cook? Bro, that reaction right there is the reaction somebody has when they're about to kill somebody for the first time.

Yeah.

Like you're in the mafia.

You know what I mean?

It's your first kill.

I cook.

What do you do?

What's my favorite meal to cook?

What are we doing here, man?

Yes!

I don't know.

Oh.

Oh, what do I cook?

I cook.

I'm at your house.

What are you doing here?

Hi, happy birthday. Oh, is it my fucking? Oh, it is.
Hey, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Cook me something.
Oh, okay. Yeah, it's your birthday.
Please, sit down. Yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you what I got. I'm in your living room.
I got spicy Italian sausage. Okay? Yeah, spicy Italian sausage.
It's hot, by the way. That's how I like it.
Okay. Well, you're in my house, so chill out.
Okay. Peel these potatoes.
I have to? Yeah, you should. I don't know how.
You never peeled a potato before? Do you have one of those mechanisms? Your teeth. Oh, you do with your teeth.
Well, look at those things. Like the Irish do.
Yeah. Right.
Peel potatoes, cut them into cubes. Get some chicken stock.
I'm cutting. Salt, pepper, throw that in there.
Onions, bell peppers, carrots, mirepoix, if you will. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. Throw that thing in there.
Am I still doing this? Yeah. One potato? Two potato.
All right. All right.
All right. Cut it up into fourths.
Boil it. Am I doing that? I don't understand what you're...
Are you doing anything or am I getting... I'm smoking a cigarette giving you orders.
I'm just smoking in my kitchen. I'm still on the fucking potato.
I don't even know dicing. I haven't diced it yet.
There's knives right there. All right.
Dice, dice, dice. Put in the fucking thing.
What else? Carrots? Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Now cut the fucking...
Cut the Italian... Put the Italian sausage in the pan.
Cook it up. How do you like it? Burn it.
No, but how do you like it chopped? It's already cut up. It's ground Italian sausage.
All right, put it in there. Yeah, let it cook.
Okay. Is it cooked? I don't know yet.
Throw everything in the pot together right now. Hurry up.
I did it. Is it in there? Yeah.
Good. Let's go out to eat.
I see. It's for the dog.
Yeah. It's for the dog.
I just cooked it. I cook food to have it at the house for the animal not for me I'm going out to eat baby we're going out anyway what a ride it's been but I will say this it's great to have Rudy Jules back I'm sad that we're not going to see you that much so do me a favor and in the camera sign us out thank you for being a bad friend