Bobby's Sober Birthday

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who You are these two idiots.

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. They're bad friends.

Speaker 2 So I woke up and there was a cat vomiting all the time. You know,

Speaker 2 I haven't lived alone in so long.

Speaker 2 So I know how to function. Like, I know how to clean things.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you doing that again? And because, you know, you're one of my best friends.

Speaker 2 You are. You're hard.
Yeah. And I just feel.
51 years old. I understand that.
51. I called you seven times today.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to, or I'm leaving for two months, and I've called you seven times, and you can't pick up the phone. You're a movie star.
That's right. Pick up the phone.

Speaker 2 So, what I'm saying is that, you know, I'm going through a hard time. I don't do movies.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 I don't do movies. Sir, you're.
I don't get invited. You just did the movie movie movie.
So you're bragging. You just did the movie with Jamie Lee Curtis and all those people.

Speaker 2 Nine years ago, and that's not going to come out. It shouldn't.
I know it shouldn't. But let me say this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I just express how I feel? Nah. You know I'm leaving.
And you didn't answer the phone before 3 p.m.

Speaker 2 Okay. And you know I'm trying to coordinate stuff.
So all day. Coordinate.
And I know you're not.

Speaker 2 Coordinate. I was trying to coordinate.

Speaker 2 And I know you're not sleeping. I know you're on Rya or some bullshit.
I'm on Rai? The band? I know you're on Raya.

Speaker 2 I know you're swiping when you see my call and you flick me away because you're trying to get Punani. And that's not okay.

Speaker 2 Yes, you fucking do. I do.
Now listen to me.

Speaker 2 How many girls came to the store last night or to the improv? A couple.

Speaker 2 You had a harem.

Speaker 2 And where were you when you? I'm Asian. I need concubines.

Speaker 2 You don't know. You don't know? We need concubines.
Where were you when the show was over? Gone. And where was I? In the room.
Yeah. And they're all like, where's Bobby?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're supposed to take care of my concubines. I don't want a fucking concubine.

Speaker 2 They're my concubines. They're your concubines.
You have red-headed.

Speaker 2 white ones. I have white concubines.
I know.

Speaker 2 Can I just tell you what's going on with me? Yeah, please. Don't roll your eyes, dude because i i want to be your friend i didn't roll my eyes

Speaker 2 like that all right ask me again can i tell you what's going on with me yes

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 i have a sore throat oh great and i canceled and i i'm losing my voice and i canceled my spots tonight why are you losing your voice you think you have covet no swear to god i was screaming yesterday why i perform

Speaker 2 at the at the improv and the comedy store did you like your spot at the improv yeah did you no

Speaker 2 they were fucking terrible you know why because he brings he brought 35 students dude when you bring your students it's always bad it's nighttime usa bad juice nightmare i mean nightmare not nighttime not

Speaker 2 nightmare usa not nighttime it was nighttime it is do you guys think you're not funny for that age group dude yeah i just feel like i'm offensive this motherfucker this fucking guy you cut your bullshit out right now yeah we're not seinfeld no all right and we're not caratop we don't do fucking props why'd you say caratop what does that have to do why why oh i pointed you yeah why why i'm sorry we're not ken jong and carrot top yeah that's what i meant to say okay we're different we're different we have our own voices we have our own way of doing it but i'm i'm by let me guys say something

Speaker 2 i'm by myself yeah right so i don't know how anything works like i've never used the washer and dryer you're right so i'm trying to figure out all the code you know the buttons like what does this deep hot one do it says right on it i understand it's like home alone dude why are you fucking talking right now this guy is you're acting crazy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. He empowers them.
He brings students here and he thinks he's a comedian. To them, he's a comedian.
You know, they don't even know his name's Fancy. Yeah, his name is Fancy.

Speaker 2 And can I say something, students? He has no power here. None.

Speaker 2 He has no power here. Powerless Spanish turd.
Yeah, I can make one phone call gun. Who, by the way, needs to button up his shirt.
Scuttle.

Speaker 2 So gross. And can I say, students, he never does that when you're not here.
That's right. He's doing that because he's completely buttoned up to the top.
But with the students, it's out. fuck.

Speaker 2 And you know what sucks about

Speaker 2 that move? You're not Burt Reynolds. You have no hair there.
You're not. So it just looks like a little boy.
Burnt Reynolds. You're Burnt Reynolds.

Speaker 2 You're Burnt Reynolds, scumbag. You're like Burt Calkins.
Yeah, you're Burt.

Speaker 2 You're one of the Kalkins ones, Iran. But you're young.
So a cat threw up. Although, no, not just

Speaker 2 it's a trail of throw-up.

Speaker 2 Right? So I wake up, my throat's sore, right? Don't do that face, man. I'm agreeing with you.
Watch.

Speaker 2 I'm just on your team. All right.
Your throat is sore. My sore throat?

Speaker 2 Throat sore?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And the cat.
Cat vomit. I'm cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.
Yeah. Did I realize I eat? You haven't eaten yet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where we're Mexican food. Hello? Why do you look at me? Because you're Mexican.

Speaker 2 Who's that? Is that Carlos? Yeah. What are you doing here? Why not?

Speaker 2 Come sit in the chair for a second so we can bring it. Stranger Danger.
Danger, Stranger. Stranger Danger.
Stranger Danger. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something legitimately. Did you offer the kids anything to eat, like candy or anything? No, but there is candy out there if kids.
Where'd you get the candy?

Speaker 2 Are you growing out your hair? Dude, of course I am.

Speaker 2 Like a fucking molester, dude.

Speaker 2 Looks like he's.

Speaker 2 Do you know who likes his hair?

Speaker 2 What? Children? Lumi Ray?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 You have to bring up Lumi Ray, huh? Oh, I heard you brought her up on Tiger Belly. And me.
I had to hear from Kalila. Do you hang out with Lumi Ray?

Speaker 2 I have before. Yeah.
Yeah. We talk.
Good. She texted me today.
Nice person. Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
Ooh, this bad is something going on here. What's going on? I can just feel some heat.

Speaker 2 There's no heat. No, you guys are good.
Me and Lumi are just friends. Me and Lumi are also just friends.
Yeah. Yeah.
Any penetration? Penetration? I'm asking.

Speaker 2 No, just energy penetration.

Speaker 2 You think you have more energy penetration than I have? No, that's not what I meant. Are you trying to say that your energy penetration is more?

Speaker 2 When it comes to fucking energy penetration, I'm fucking a Jedi 9. Nambawan.
Nambawan. Nabawan.
Energy penetration. I can't beat him.
I can fuck you right now with my energy. Do it.

Speaker 2 No, it was your asshole. Oh, I was doing my mouth.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa, I opened the butthole and the mouth. Do you see that? That's new to me.
That's crazy, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, see? Whoa. Whoa, both.
I do like this kimono that you're rocking today. It's not a kimono.
Yeah, it is. This is a kimono? What is it? What is it? It's a jacket.
A baseball shirt? It's a jacket.

Speaker 2 It's not a jacket. Yeah, you're right.
Google picture of a jacket, and we'll show you what a jacket looks like.

Speaker 2 Just so I can teach you a jacket. That's jacket.
Yeah. All right, now do kimono.
Okay. Do kimono.
Watch this. Yeah, you're what? Kimono.
I wanted to see if you could spell it right.

Speaker 2 Kimono. Yeah.
Whoops, looks exactly like what you got on it. No, that looks nothing like

Speaker 2 that. Show me the difference between that and what you got on.
That one's more floral. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is more of a chef's jacket. Oh, that is a chef shirt.
Right? That is a chef's shirt.

Speaker 2 Yes, chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, chef.

Speaker 2 Everybody from today moving forward all day today. There it is.
I want to, let's refer to Bobby as yes, chef all day today.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yes, chef.
Yes, chef. No, you don't say it.
You're the fucking chef.

Speaker 2 Why can't you be a chef? I'm not a chef. Oh.

Speaker 2 I'm a.

Speaker 2 I'm the bus boy. You look like a baker.
I'm a baker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, baker. What is he? Huh? What is he doing?

Speaker 2 The guy who collects all the oil that changes the oil vats at the end of the night? I don't know. The Mexican? Yeah, the Mexican.
I don't know. I didn't want to say it, but you said it, I guess.

Speaker 2 Well, if we had a restaurant, right? You're the baker. Yeah, you're the chef.
He's... Dishes.
100%. That's what I said the same thing.

Speaker 2 I tried to do that once. They wouldn't let me in Beverly Hills.
I went to a steakhouse and they're because I... You have to work there first.
Well, I asked. I just ask.
I wanted to work there.

Speaker 2 I washed. Oh, I see.
And I was like, can I wash dishes? And they're like, absolutely not. Absolutely not.
I wouldn't let you touch the dirt. Even the dirty dishes, I wouldn't let you touch.

Speaker 2 That's what I was applying for, to touch the dirty dishes. And they said, No.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 can I tell you why? Looks? No, because that's a big one. That is a very big one.
But I was going to say that. That's mean.
Well, you can't get it. My race.

Speaker 2 What? My race, but wrong color. Exactly.
You're one of the light-skinned Mexicans. And they want the dark-skinned so they work harder.
No, there's no attitude.

Speaker 2 There's no like, you know, it's my, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Sisters concinera. Right.
You know what I mean? I got to go

Speaker 2 get the day off. Like they would have the concinera at the restaurant.
That's how dedicated they are. We'll just just have it here.
Yeah, working and having it at the same time.

Speaker 2 Have you had a quincinera? I've been to a couple, but I've

Speaker 2 what about yours? I'm a male. What's the guy version called? There's no quincinero for men? No.
Why? What? Yeah, guys don't know. We got to do that.

Speaker 2 Because there's a bot mitzvah and a bar mitzvah for Jewish kids.

Speaker 2 But for the boys, there is none. What does it say? The quinceaños for a boy also follows the same traditional

Speaker 2 reasoning as a modern quincinero. So you present the child to God in front of their family and friends.
gross. Well, we should do one now.
We're quinceinhos. What's it called? Quince? So, quinceanos.

Speaker 2 Have you heard?

Speaker 2 No, I feel like that's not like a popular one. It's more that what about quince? I think it's pretty fucking popular.
Pretty popular. Look at the photos.
2.4 million results. I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's pretty. I mean, I'm Mexican and I never heard of it.
Yeah, because that's why you're not the Washington. You also don't speak Spanish.

Speaker 2 That's a big one. That's sad.
I want to say this. I want to say this.
Go ahead. It is your sober birthday.
So happy birthday. Oh, well, finally.
Something.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Something, you know.

Speaker 2 That's something. Okay.
Can I tell you something? Do you know you didn't even wish me happy birthday on my fucking real birthday this year? It's not the same. Why?

Speaker 2 I was born into the fucking world. Yeah, we all were.
And I wish you happy birthday on your fucking birthday. Yeah, and I think, I mean, it was thank you, but.

Speaker 2 I mean, what? Yeah, exactly. He wants a gift.
Like, Gucci or something. No, no, no.
No, he does. Well, we got you a gift.
No, that's not what I want. Gift number one.
Come on in.

Speaker 2 We got you gifts for your sober birthday. Here we go.

Speaker 2 I've always wanted one.

Speaker 2 How many? Wait, sit down, sit down.

Speaker 2 There you go. When you said you always wanted one, what were you talking about? A token.
A token what?

Speaker 2 A chip. A token chip.
Yeah, that's what it said. You weren't referring to a kind of person at all, were you? i i i love what's your name sam sam i love sam when you said token

Speaker 2 did you mean chip this is a lot of chips man yeah thank you so much why don't you look sam in the face and say thank you i apologize say thank you

Speaker 2 what i'm sorry for what why are you apologizing to him

Speaker 2 sam for the years

Speaker 2 just for his history

Speaker 2 yeah that's what i meant that's bobby you don't know bobby every day in in one instance are you part of the class yes i am Okay, cool. How old are you? 20.
Fuck him. He's one of us.

Speaker 2 He works on the inside. He's our intern.
He's one of our. Are you part of our club? I'm a minion.
Well, then I can say whatever I want. He's not a fucking.

Speaker 2 Wait, let's stop. Let's stop.
He's an employee.

Speaker 2 No, he's not an employee. We're not paying him.
He's an intern, so. All right.
Yeah. He's working for free.
Can I ask you some questions, Sam? Sure. Good.

Speaker 2 Listen. So much, guys.
I mean, you know. It's great.
Can I tell you something? You know, we're all on that pond right now, and you can see that

Speaker 2 water is going to come right through at any point. We're walking on thin ice.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's a cold pond.

Speaker 2 No, it's warm. It's getting warm.

Speaker 2 I can tell. But the ice is frozen? Well, you can tell there's a couple of bubbles popping up that are at some moment we're going to fall right through the ice.
We're not.

Speaker 2 You know that game when you hit the ice cubes out of the thing? Yeah, we've hit way too many. Almost none left.
What was that called? Break the ice. Break the ice.
Stupid game name. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was sort of like

Speaker 2 in the dark night, when that was the punishment, right? Whether you have have to run across the ice. Yeah.
And then people fell through. Sam, did you like The Dark Knight? I don't know what that is.

Speaker 2 Batman, Dark Knight?

Speaker 2 You don't know that. I've never seen any Batman movie.

Speaker 2 You have never. Okay, let's try it.

Speaker 2 This is great. This is great.
I love it. Educate me.

Speaker 2 Educate. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Open your eyes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're an Asian, I can say that. He should be saying that to you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. If he was Asian, that would be weird.
I was going to say. Yeah, he's black.
How do you know I'm not? Bro. Oh, here we go.
No, no, no. That is true.

Speaker 2 Is your last name Woods?

Speaker 2 Are you Tiger Woods' brother? No. He might identify as black.
Are you Coblicasian or whatever that Haitian?

Speaker 2 Blesian? I'm not, though. You're not Blesian.
Coblicasian.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How do you identify? Black.
There we go.

Speaker 2 I told you. I'm a Caribbean.
I knew it. Nah, I told you.

Speaker 2 Caribbean? Is that what you said? Yeah. Are our family from the Caribbean? Yeah, I'm from Haiti.
Love that. I love all of you.
Haitian, close to French, yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The only reason I picked up on any of that stuff is because I listened to Wycliffe Jean's The Carnival for like 75 hours when I was a kid. Do you know what that is? Of course.

Speaker 2 Do you know what that is? I haven't listened to a word you said. He has no idea.
Because I'm focused on him.

Speaker 2 Can I ask some questions? Please. So, did you? Let me ask you: is it because of the genre you don't like superhero genre movies? Well, I wasn't really a movie-govertz kid, but I can't adapt to it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you can adapt to movie. Yes.

Speaker 2 I see.

Speaker 2 So, when you're in a movie theater, you have to change. Adapt.
No. Figure it out.
My parents never took me to movies as a kid, but. Why is that? They're just boring and strict.
Okay. Sorry, mom, but

Speaker 2 probably some more. No, because see if you can crack this track.

Speaker 2 I can hear the ice cracking beneath my feet. I feel it.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm when I.
You know what? I want to fall. You know what I'm doing? I want to die.
I'm going. You know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to die, dude. Walk out further.
I want to go further. Walk out further.
I want to go further. Go for it.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Go for it, baby. It's going to be so uncomfortable.
Come on, Sam.

Speaker 2 Okay, so ask him what you want to ask him. What I want to ask you is: so, um, you weren't, your parents didn't take you to movies, right? So, you didn't move um, grow up with movie culture, right?

Speaker 2 Not really, no. So, what's the top three movies you've seen?

Speaker 2 The top three movies I've seen, yeah, in your opinion, like in my opinion, or just your opinion, yeah, yeah, not critics' opinion, or whatever, you know what I mean? Um, let's do it.

Speaker 2 I gotta think, can I do my most recent movies? Yeah,

Speaker 2 okay, I just saw the new Whitney movie, love I look, you know, Whitney Houston, the singer,

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Lobby. Stop.

Speaker 2 I know. I know.
Oh, I want to dance with somebody. Okay.

Speaker 2 I got it. Can I have it? Listen, I'm a part of Planet Earth.
Okay. I know who Whitney is.
Okay. Died in a tub.
All right, so Whitney, that's one of your favorite movies because recently you saw it.

Speaker 2 What else? It's the same my recent. Yeah, go ahead.
It could be a favorite.

Speaker 2 What did I watch? I don't. I'm trying to remember.
Put him on the spot. I watched Black Panther.
I feel like everyone's watched that. Well, no.
Not all of us.

Speaker 2 Who's not all of us?

Speaker 2 The Wakanda Ferrell. Both of them?

Speaker 2 I saw the first one. I haven't seen either.
It's just too many black people for me for some reason. It was just.

Speaker 2 No, I saw. No, I have seen it.
I have seen it. I didn't see the new one.

Speaker 2 I don't think I wanted to see the new one. I thought the first one was so good.
I don't know if I wanted to see the second one. The new one is sad.

Speaker 2 And I also, I didn't want it to ruin how I liked the first one because I knew I was going to be like, this isn't as fucking good. Yeah.
And it wasn't, was it? Well, it was good.

Speaker 2 It was just really sad because you know the lead died. Yeah, Chadwick Boseman.
What? Can you imagine? Anyway, so Whitney,

Speaker 2 Wakanda Forever, give me the third one.

Speaker 2 One more.

Speaker 2 Wait, you're putting me on the spot. How about some over the years, the TV shows that you saw?

Speaker 2 Well, you're talking about. Oh, I was just talking about the parent trap today because I was writing a paper about it.
That's good. You were writing a paper about the parent trap? Yes.

Speaker 2 Man, school is dog shit.

Speaker 2 On a crocodile.

Speaker 2 No, not for his class. I'm in a history of film class.
I'm a film major, but movies, for some reason, is not my niche. Here's the deal about Sam.
I like it.

Speaker 2 Can we talk about what they just said? It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm in film class, but movies not my thing. I said it's not my niche.
Oh, here's the difference. Oh, what's the difference between niche and thing?

Speaker 2 A niche is like, okay, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 I love his attitude. He's fired.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. You're hired.
A niche is like, it can be like your thing, but I feel like a niche is like, that's really your thing, right? And a thing can be multiple things.

Speaker 2 Like, let me like, let me give you an example. For music, I can say my niche is RB, but for one of my things, music is one of my things, and the movies could be one of my other things.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I agree with almost nothing he just said.

Speaker 2 I don't even understand any of that. But I got it.

Speaker 2 But I was just talking. Maybe one of the best lawyers I've ever seen

Speaker 2 presented a case without any evidence, but still, as a judge, I'd go, fuck it, fine. This guy did great.

Speaker 2 Right. So he literally did this.
Yeah. Email like this.
Ready? Go ahead. The color blue, yeah, it's a color, but it's also a thing of its own and doesn't have to be.
Is it still? Yes. Yes.

Speaker 2 That's what he just did. Yeah.
And did it work? No. No.

Speaker 2 But it was a good try.

Speaker 2 Sam, when Sam's out of school and Sam's going to school for the audience who wants to know at Quinnipiac with fancy, right? Can we say this? Yeah, we can. Yeah, okay.
Sam's going to school.

Speaker 2 Sam wants to come work with us, maybe. You do.
But he's got some fucking demands. What is it? What are your demands? He wants to put him up in a house.
He said he has to have a house to live in.

Speaker 2 He has an apartment. I was going to say transportation, but I didn't want to look too needy.
Right. But I can do the buses and the oop.
I need my own wheels. Okay.
You don't have a car now.

Speaker 2 So we have to give him a car and a place to live and he'll come here.

Speaker 2 Think about it. Can he live with you? No.
Can he have your old car? Yes, he can live with me. Can he have your old car? I just thought about it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I want him to live with me. Do you know how to work a washer and dryer? Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Do you clean cat vomit? I just told him I was, oh,

Speaker 2 I'll clean, but not the cat vomit. I don't even like cleaning human vomit.
Right, I get that. I get that very good.
Yeah, that makes sense. But will you clean everything else? Of course.

Speaker 2 Okay, so look, clean. Can you cook? Absolutely.
Cooks and cleans. What could he cook?

Speaker 2 I had to make chicken parm the other day. I love you, man.
Thank you. Did I say that? Of course.
Yeah, I love your ass.

Speaker 2 Sam is one of us.

Speaker 2 What do you mean by that? One of us. One of us.
One of us. I actually like him on the mic.
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, you're weird.
I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Well, how about Sam stays there for a minute, and then we swap out

Speaker 2 Carlos and bring in

Speaker 2 Carlos.

Speaker 2 Let's bring in somebody that hasn't been around in a long time for a myriad of reasons, and we're so happy that this person is back. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the return of the ever-famous Rudy.

Speaker 2 Probably the real star of this show, Rudy Jules. Rudy Jules, bring her in.
Come on, everybody. Rudy Jules.

Speaker 2 Rudy, this is Sam. Say hi to Sam.
Hi, Sam. Hi, Rudy.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
I like your shirt. Notice.

Speaker 2 It It goes well with your shirt. Did you notice what happened? She did.
Are you wearing makeup? A lot of makeup? Are you wearing makeup?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, Rude. Rudy's got some makeup.
Did you notice she didn't shake his hand? Yeah. Do it.
It was deliberate. Deliberate.
He went to shake your hand and you didn't.

Speaker 3 Oh, I didn't see. I wasn't.

Speaker 2 Hi, Sam.

Speaker 2 Very good. Rudy Jules, I haven't seen you in so long.

Speaker 2 How's school?

Speaker 3 It's good. Busy.
I already have a work.

Speaker 2 You already have a work? Yeah. You mean homework? Work, work.

Speaker 3 what job do you have now i'm a student assistant at like a college like a college of arts in northridge

Speaker 2 what does that mean i don't know is that a real job what are you doing are you getting paid money or no

Speaker 2 how much tell us 15.50 per hour fifteen dollars and fifty cents for one whole hour amazing good no that's good it is very good it's good money work study um no it's just i take calls i greet people you take calls to the what set what is is it?

Speaker 2 The.

Speaker 3 Like the phone, and then I just answer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I know it's a fucking phone. But I'm saying, what are you making? Who are you taking calls about?

Speaker 3 Like, anyone. If they have questions, then I just have to answer.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. Bing, bing, bling.

Speaker 2 Hello. But ribbit, bling, baby.
It has to be like. Blibbing, bing, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.
Blibb bling, bing, bling.

Speaker 3 Can I see the department?

Speaker 2 Blibbing, bling, bling, bling. Bling, bling, bling.
Answer the phone first.

Speaker 2 Bling, bling, bling, bling.

Speaker 3 College Dean's office, how can I help you?

Speaker 2 Sorry, say that again slower. We're on double cards.
It's a dope too line.

Speaker 2 What did you say again? We don't understand what you're saying.

Speaker 3 College Dean's Office.

Speaker 2 Is this the Dean's office? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Are we in trouble?

Speaker 2 We're just jogging. Jimmy.
Thank you. Thanks, Kev.
Hey, so listen, we're curious to know about maybe

Speaker 2 one of our kids applying to come to school there. Oh, did you put down the phone? No.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I thought I heard you put down the phone.

Speaker 2 Okay, so Jimmy and I,

Speaker 2 we're

Speaker 2 together. Yeah, we're we're together, and we have a bunch of people.
Yeah, we adopted a kid back in the 80s. Yep.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I don't need to know personal information. Just tell me what you need.
That's rude.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so rude. Because we're trying to tell you about our background.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 2 Hold on one second.

Speaker 2 This girl's a fucking bitch. I fucking hate this.
Should we ask for the manager? Yeah. The dean.
Ask for the dean. Yeah, can we speak to the dean?

Speaker 3 The dean?

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, the dean is unavailable right now.

Speaker 2 Do you sound like a liar?

Speaker 2 No. Anyway, our kid, right?

Speaker 2 Simone.

Speaker 3 Simone. Simoan.

Speaker 2 He's Samoan. He's Samoan.
And that's what he named him to.

Speaker 2 Because we were just kind of like, we don't know what to name of him. So we just named him Samoan.

Speaker 2 He wants to play football. At your school.
Or Russell. Or Russell.
Yeah. Or do you have

Speaker 2 Batminton?

Speaker 3 Okay, so this is College of Arts, the Department of Arts.

Speaker 2 Simoan paints. He does paint.
His watercolors. Simoan loves painting.
He loves the watercolors.

Speaker 3 So what does he want to do?

Speaker 2 Football or

Speaker 2 football. Okay, you can do both.

Speaker 2 Hold on one second.

Speaker 2 This fucking hike cannot stand up. He's going to Harvard.
I know. I think we should go to Harvard.
We should.

Speaker 2 Mike Kerb is not going to get it. Yeah, Mike Kerb, yeah.
Anyway, so. So listen, we want our son to go there.
He does paint with watercolors. Yeah.
So what's the deal?

Speaker 2 Are you interested in our son, Samoan? Samoan Lee?

Speaker 3 Okay, so I'm just a student assistant, but I can transfer you to someone that knows more about the.

Speaker 2 Could have said that at the beginning. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Could have said that right away. We can't get that five minutes back.
Right. Okay.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 What's your name? I'm reporting. What's your name?

Speaker 3 Andrea.

Speaker 2 Smart.

Speaker 2 Very good. See? See, you're surviving.
You are surviving. You do know.
So that's what you do.

Speaker 2 You link up calls. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 And do you like it? Have you worked yet?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've been working for the past five days. And then the first day I was so scared.
So every time I would take a call, I would just.

Speaker 2 Right. She's growing up.
She's growing up. Look at her.
Are you still dating that same guy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa, this is getting serious. How long has this been now?

Speaker 2 You look at your hands when you figure out how long you've been together?

Speaker 3 Like, eight months.

Speaker 2 How long have you and I know each other? Your hands are like an appacus. I mean,

Speaker 2 it's a beautiful mind. Yeah, you can see the equations on her hands.

Speaker 3 I saw your show, Tito Andrew.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, what show? Cheeseburger. You saw my stand-up special.
Yeah. Did you like it? Yeah, but I don't remember your speech.
I don't eat anymore. Yeah, I don't eat it.
Did you like it?

Speaker 3 I was laughing.

Speaker 2 Good. She didn't like it, but she laughed.
Yeah. But I'll take one of the two.
If you laugh and don't like it, still fine with that. So, Arthur.
Thanks for watching, Real.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you some serious questions?

Speaker 2 So, you know, they moved out.

Speaker 2 So, Kalila and Jules moved out of my house.

Speaker 2 We're happy about it.

Speaker 2 Do you miss me?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. That's not real.
Yes, it was. It was.
It actually looked real.

Speaker 2 Where do you live now?

Speaker 2 Somewhere. Some shithole.
Some shithole. Some fucking scum rat shithole or something.
Do you notice that I'm not around?

Speaker 2 I do. I do.
It's more cleaner.

Speaker 2 What did she say? It's cleaner. No.
Yeah. No, it's not.
It's not.

Speaker 3 It is. That's why I miss it.
Because it feels different.

Speaker 2 Oh. You want it to be dirty.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And how the dogs are acting.

Speaker 3 They're good. They really like the place.
They're like having fun in the backyard.

Speaker 2 So they don't miss me at all, you don't think?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Why are you doing this to him? Just lie and say you missed him.

Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah, they missed him.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They miss you, buddy.
They all miss you a lot.

Speaker 3 They all miss you a lot, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 2 So much that it's like a fucking disaster. It's pretty crazy how much they miss you.
Well, I went to his place last night and then

Speaker 3 when I came in, I just smelled like vomit.

Speaker 2 Well, the cats threw up everywhere. That's not his fault.
And he did throw up as well. When you cleaned it, he went up.

Speaker 3 Huh?

Speaker 2 Could you help me out and clean it up? Do you see the cat comment?

Speaker 2 All over the house, right?

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Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys, during the pandemic and now, I use BetterHelp because I have a lot of trauma.
I have a lot of weight on my shoulders.

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Speaker 2 Wait, so you guys used to live together with dogs and cats? Yeah. Yeah.
How did that go?

Speaker 2 Well, they planned on eating some of them, but it never got around to it.

Speaker 2 And you had your ex-girlfriend in the house, too?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Well, his ex-girlfriend is her aunt.
Oh, okay, okay. Family.
Okay. Yeah, they're fam.
That's blood. And they used to be really blood with us, but now that they've departed, we feel like

Speaker 2 there's no connection anymore. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's really kind of sad. This show was kind of built on family.
And, Sam, that's why kind of we're asking you to be a part of the family. That's really.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because these other people are, we're done with the Filipinos.

Speaker 2 We're done with those people. Are you not from?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, she's from the Philippines. I'm from the Philippines.
Yeah, you just said you were, but she's here. I know, but this is kind of an interim thing.
We bought them,

Speaker 2 we got them on discount pre-COVID. Yeah.
What did we pay for them? $12.95. It was $12.95 pre-COVID.
With the coupon. Well, you're right.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 On the back of a Coke can, there's always, like, it's one for six flags and one for a Filipino. Filipino cocaine.
They don't do it in America. So we had to smuggle some cocaine.

Speaker 2 We peeled a little label. And you win two.
And we won two. One was hot.
You know what I mean? One was like her niece. Her niece.
But I really do miss you guys.

Speaker 2 We miss seeing you around. And I feel, honestly, I feel lost.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just,

Speaker 2 the honest truth is I feel so miserable and lost and empty. How do you feel about that?

Speaker 3 I feel sad.

Speaker 2 Is that an emotion someone told you to feel, or do you feel that real?

Speaker 3 I feel it here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is where you feel the emotions. Yeah.
You wouldn't feel it here. It's like they just programmed it.

Speaker 2 I know. Like they just sent her out.
They were like, okay, we just reprogrammed it.

Speaker 3 No, but I am a Citabbi.

Speaker 2 You're sad.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 you see the Washington,

Speaker 2 I mean the

Speaker 2 Washington Journal, the

Speaker 2 Wall Street Journal. They did an opinion piece.
There are too many Asians. I agree.
Did I write this piece?

Speaker 2 No. What do you mean? There's actually, there's a big, you know, there's a big, you know, China is struggling.
Their population is down for the first time. See the, just go to images, maybe.

Speaker 2 Well, the problem is it's that China is not having lessons. That's right there.
Any of those baby ones. Are there too many Asians? Are there too many Asians? Let's answer that question.
Well, Sam?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Sam. Are there too many Asians? Are there too many Asians? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 How many would you, you want more?

Speaker 2 Sure. My best friend is Asian.
That's great. Yeah.
hey this is gonna be my first time with Sam doing this get closer to the mic

Speaker 2 the old days

Speaker 2 we used to yell at her about that all the time yeah okay so wait there are you don't think there are too many Asians not really I don't see you often from where I'm from right where are you from Jersey oh there's not a lot no if you go to New York then you'll see some yeah I know we've been there okay so you're saying you're a part of Jersey there's not a lot of Asians not really not what part of Jersey are you from I'm from North Jersey.

Speaker 2 North Jersey. Yeah.
I'm not like near the beaches. I'm like more in the city.
Okay. I love when they say beaches in New Jersey.
They are beaches. Yeah, but not really.
No, it is.

Speaker 2 Yes, they are. Really? I haven't been to the Cali beaches yet, so you can't.
Oh, so what I'm saying is that, like, you know, a professional super will go, let's go to New Jersey and ride the waves.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They do. Yes.

Speaker 2 Don't do that.

Speaker 2 We have nice beaches. I know, but there's no waves.
There's no fucking palm trees. You got to go to the Jersey shore.

Speaker 2 It's dirty by the boardwalk, but you could get some waves if you go a little further. That should be on on a t-shirt.
Like what, three miles in? No.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't swim.

Speaker 2 Wait, you don't swim?

Speaker 2 Wait, stop. I didn't say anything.
I know what you're saying. Wait, wait, wait.
You don't swim. I do not.
Why?

Speaker 2 I don't know how to swim. So it's either I drown or I just walk on four feet pools.
Well, that's we got to figure that out. We got to figure that out.

Speaker 2 I feel like we're getting back out on that ice again.

Speaker 2 Just getting a little jumpy.

Speaker 2 I feel like we're getting right back out on the ice again. I know.
Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 In my islands, not a lot of Filipinos know how to swim.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's because

Speaker 2 sharks.

Speaker 3 Because they're too afraid to go to the sun because they don't want to get dark.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 I feel like we're all back on the ice. No, no, no.
She's on the ice with me. Oh, she is now.
Oh, yeah. And I'm ashore going, you guys, come on, get off the ice.

Speaker 2 But you know what it is about Filipinos?

Speaker 2 They probably believe in some weird fucking hocus-pocus thing that's in the water. You know them? They probably tricked Filipinos to be like, you can't go swim.

Speaker 2 otherwise, the monster of Bogotat will come get you. You know what I mean? They tricked them, so they want them to stay on the island.
Right.

Speaker 2 Is there like a lochness kind of a vibe in the Philippines? There's nothing in the Philippines. There's not a sea creature in the Philippines that you get scared of.

Speaker 2 No. Oh, wow.
Yeah, there is. There is.
What's it called?

Speaker 2 It's. What's the sea creature in the Philippines that they trick you guys as kids not to go swimming? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's

Speaker 2 butnut.

Speaker 2 Dong.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 Wait. What is it?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to remember.

Speaker 2 Yeah, try to remember. Dugong.
Oh, the Dugong. Dugong.
See? Try to find Dugong. Dugong Philippines creature.
It's a creeper. I'm trying to find Dugong.
I've heard of it before.

Speaker 2 In New Jersey, is there a fucking creature that black people are afraid of? No. Okay.
Just the dirt and the

Speaker 2 water.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess. Maybe R.
Kelly's in the water. Oh, is that what it looks like? There's the Dugong in the Philippines.

Speaker 3 Like the manatee.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say it looks like a big walrus. No, that's the Dugong.
And they will depend on you, and they don't want you to go out in the Philippines because it'll... See?

Speaker 2 That looks like a bloated dolphin. I don't know.
Manatee. Manatee.
Well, it is. That's what they call them, but that is a bloated dolphin.

Speaker 2 Let's just have let's have Sam say thank you to Sam and let's get Sam back into

Speaker 2 the Sam Sam. Thank you, Sam.
We love you.

Speaker 2 Sam, you're the greatest of all time.

Speaker 2 Okay, so here's what we're doing.

Speaker 2 Can I ask them more quickly? We have a couple more gifts for you because of your sobriety. So let's bring in the second gift.

Speaker 2 We can rifle through a pretty, we're proud of you. Okay.
Hi. All right.

Speaker 2 Okay. Thank you.
Can you sit down for a second? What's your name? Grace. Grace, say it into the mic.
Grace. Here comes Grace.
Hi, Grace. Hi.
Pull that mic toward your face, Grace.

Speaker 2 I never could get a hold of this book, but

Speaker 2 it's Stinking Thinking by Gail Rossolini. It's a really good book.
It's a great book. It's a classic.

Speaker 2 And did you buy it from me?

Speaker 3 Yeah, Straight from the Heart.

Speaker 2 Oh, you bought it from the Heart? Yeah, she paid with emotion. That's great.
Did you go to the store to buy this?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's where you get books. I know, but what book store did you go to? Make it up, Grace.

Speaker 2 Are there Barnes and Nobles in California? There sure are. What do you think?

Speaker 2 Grace, what year are you at the school?

Speaker 3 This is my second year.

Speaker 2 Sophomore. Yeah.
That's what we say. We say sophomore, but you say second year, and I get it, because maybe you'll do more than four years.

Speaker 3 I'm actually doing, I'm graduating next year.

Speaker 2 Whoa,

Speaker 2 someone's smart. Yes, mom.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 May I? Please.

Speaker 2 Do you think I have stinking thinking?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Then why would you get me this book? i mean

Speaker 2 i like the cover it's cute all right grace you can go back thank you

Speaker 2 thank you grace no no stay stay stay stay stay stay

Speaker 2 so you just kind of walked into the bookstore and just grabbed whatever off the shelf like like i said came from the heart so i was like you know i let my heart guide me oh so your heart guided you yes that's interesting do you do that with all your life in your life when you go to a restaurant pretty much

Speaker 2 my heart says yeah yeah meditate on it a little bit you do Yeah. Well, thank you so much for the book.

Speaker 2 How much sobriety time do I have?

Speaker 2 Not enough.

Speaker 2 That is such a good answer.

Speaker 2 Such a good answer.

Speaker 2 Not enough is right. You can't get her.
Where are you from?

Speaker 3 I'm from Boston.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah, man. What a great town.
Boston. Boston's a great town.
One of the best. You guys are tough people.
We are. Yeah.
Do you want to fight?

Speaker 2 Maybe later. Oh, wow.
Did you grow up Catholic?

Speaker 3 I did. I went to Catholic school.

Speaker 2 Wow, you really, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 I got the whole experience.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Whole package.
With the priests and everything.

Speaker 3 Priests, yeah.

Speaker 2 I just feel like I'm on the ice again. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Once I said priest, yeah.

Speaker 2 Immediately back at that. Yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you so much for the book. Of course.
Thank you, Grace. Give it up for Grace.
Grace, Grace.

Speaker 2 Is there more gifts? Yeah, let's get a couple more gifts in here. Who's needed another gift? This guy needs gifts.
Thank you, Grace. You're the best.
Really appreciate you, Grace.

Speaker 2 You guys are great.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 this one you're going to love.

Speaker 2 Take a seat. She doesn't know much, but she's a nice girl.
We spoke before.

Speaker 2 What's that? Pull the mic to your face. Oh, okay.
You Matt? I don't know much. No, no, no, no.
Matt, put this close to your mouth. Oh, really close.
There you go. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So this girl, her name is a,

Speaker 2 what is it? Taylor.

Speaker 2 What is it? It's Taylor.

Speaker 2 Taylor. Taylor.
Fuck. Like the Swift.
That's right. Exactly.
Good. What's so funny? Nothing.

Speaker 2 So Taylor. Taylor, you got me this hat.
I did. What does it say in the front?

Speaker 3 It says one day at a time.

Speaker 2 And what's the creature in the front?

Speaker 3 That's a camel.

Speaker 2 She's very good.

Speaker 2 She got it. So one day at a time.
And why did you get me this hat?

Speaker 3 Why do you think it says one day at a time? You just got to take things one day at a time.

Speaker 2 What does that mean to you, though?

Speaker 3 What I just said.

Speaker 2 Great. That's pretty good.
Is this an advertisement for cigarettes? Is this a camel cigarette? Is that what that is? No, it really is like AA approved.

Speaker 2 But what does the camel have to do with anything? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because they move. Because they're dry.

Speaker 2 huh? They're dry. Dry and you're dry.
You're sober. So dry.

Speaker 2 Or they move very slowly. Or they spit a lot.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The camel represents something in AA. What is it? It's a symbol for sobriety because a camel can go 24 hours without a drink.
There you go. Yeah, but that's just one day.

Speaker 2 But one day, but one day at a time.

Speaker 2 Camel one day.

Speaker 2 I know, but then tomorrow. Right, there's a camel might be drinking.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 He's drinking the next day.

Speaker 2 It just means he goes one day without drinking. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's why I would take it one day at a time.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Great gift, Taylor. And is it when they say drinking, was it like alcohol?

Speaker 2 Do camels drink alcohol? They do. That's it water, though.
No, they survive on just alcohol. Yeah.
What? Like sex on the beach or whatever? Yeah. Taylor.
Yeah. Taylor, your energy was amazing.

Speaker 2 That's why I was happy to bring you on the show because when you got a gift, I knew that you were going to give Bobby something meaningful and wonderful. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 Because you care about Bobby, don't you? I do. Tell him how big of a fan you are.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm your biggest fan.

Speaker 2 Name some of the stuff you've seen. Yeah, also, yeah.
Let me ask some questions. So,

Speaker 2 what city am I from?

Speaker 3 What city are you from? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't know this one.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There we go.
We're close to San Diego.

Speaker 2 Very close to San Diego. Close.
Yeah, close enough. How old is Bobby?

Speaker 3 How old is Bobby? 51.

Speaker 2 51. That was good.
Knows. She knows.
That's pretty good. I knew that.
How tall is Bobby?

Speaker 2 5'4. That's right.
That's great. I saw the hand.
I didn't show her anything. Yeah.
Let me see her hands. I waved at her.
That's great. I went, hi, Taylor.

Speaker 2 Oh, you did? Yeah. All right, my bad.
Yeah. And which Asian is Bobby? I'm going to go Korean.
There it is. You seen Korean before? Did I? Yeah.
I don't think so.

Speaker 2 What ages? I didn't say that.

Speaker 2 Did I say that? I don't think I did. What was Bobby's favorite drug when he was using?

Speaker 3 See, I don't know him from those days.

Speaker 2 Oh, those are old days. Yeah.
I bet you could guess just by looking at his face, though, huh?

Speaker 2 We'll say at the same time. We'll pick a drug on the count of three.
One, two, three. Methamphetamine.
That one's good, too.

Speaker 2 Wow, I look like a methadic. She's right.

Speaker 2 That's insane. That's crazy what you did.
I love it.

Speaker 2 But he's a good-looking guy, though, still, right? After all those years. Of course.
Like out of 10, we'd rank him out of 10. We'll say it together on the count of three.
He's a one, two, three. 11.

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay.
Give me some of the movies I've been in.

Speaker 3 Some of the movies that I've seen?

Speaker 2 That I've been in.

Speaker 3 That you've been in.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I haven't.

Speaker 3 I'm like Sam.

Speaker 3 Film major.

Speaker 2 Haven't seen a lot of movies. I haven't seen a lot of movies.

Speaker 2 That's normal. She's gender.
Any TV show I was in.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. Okay.

Speaker 2 That's okay. But she's not a fan, though.
She is a fan. She said she thinks you're so f cool.
What TV shows has he been in?

Speaker 2 Not a fan. See,

Speaker 2 she's not a fan of me. It was a really good Kevin Hart movie he did on Netflix.
It's really good. It is pretty good.
What's it called? Me Time. It's called, right, Me Time? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Me Time right there. There it is.
And Andrew Steele's the movie again. That's why he's going to Australia to do another movie.
Yeah. I believe it.
Yeah, yeah. Good.

Speaker 2 There I am. There he is.
Look at that. Kevin Hart is right there.
Yeah, that's me and Kevin Hart.

Speaker 3 You're towering towering over him.

Speaker 2 I'm 6'1. Yeah, and he's 4'3.
So, you know, of course he is. Look at that.
That is a funny scale. Yeah.
It is kind of cool working with him because you're allowed to pick him up whenever you want.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you are. Kind of like, you know, like at your doggear house, you can pick it up and kiss it.
Yeah, he'll let you put you can put him on his dashboard in your car and just drive around town.

Speaker 2 He loves it. His head wobbles away.
He does a wobble thing.

Speaker 2 Taylor, what a pleasure it's been having you on this show. I want to say that.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
Is there any more gifts? And we got some more gifts. Let's swap out a little bit, Taylor.
Shout out out to you, Taylor. Thank you, Taylor.
You're the best.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Tay Tay.

Speaker 3 Your legs are so thin there,

Speaker 3 Andrew.

Speaker 2 Are my legs thin there? I mean, I think it's just the pants. Pants are tight.
What's up, dude?

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah, bro.

Speaker 2 You're gonna like this guy. He's Jewish.

Speaker 2 I love them.

Speaker 2 All right, Kanye. That's good.
We need more of that in the world. That's right.
Oh, yeah. We already loved this book.
Kanye's already gone, you know. This book says.

Speaker 2 What is the one? What's the book he bought you? What is the book he bought me?

Speaker 2 Substance abuse and gay men. Something.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Pull that mic towards your face. Oh, yeah.
Thank you. Substance abuse and

Speaker 2 substance abuse and like yourself and your one.

Speaker 2 I was reading that.

Speaker 2 Say your name again? Ari. Ari.
Should have guessed it.

Speaker 2 The book that Ari got you is Gay Men and Substance Abuse.

Speaker 2 And I got to tell you.

Speaker 2 This is a good book.

Speaker 2 It is? I've read this. Yeah.
Yeah. I just, it's a basic guide for addicts and those who care for them.
So, Michael Shelton wrote this. He's an, he's a, he's an MS cack.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You see at the bottom, he's an MS guy. Let me ask you something.
What is, I mean, what would be the difference between a gay man being an alcoholic and a straight man being an alcoholic?

Speaker 2 No, you tell us.

Speaker 2 Well, all right, Ari, where are you from?

Speaker 2 I'm also from Boston. Oh, but another Bostonian.
Another Bostonian.

Speaker 2 Are your dreams and aspirations to move to Los Angeles and and get into film or to go to New York? I mean,

Speaker 2 Los Angeles, yeah. You read me pretty well.

Speaker 2 It's all here in this book.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. So you want to move to Los Angeles.
All right, do you think I'm gay?

Speaker 2 After last night, I mean, I'm not really sure. I was there last night.
You know, the improv club. Right.
Interesting way to start.

Speaker 2 After last night, I usually would have been a joke about you guys fucking. Yeah, yeah.
But then he took it back to reality that he saw you do stand-up.

Speaker 2 So after last night, so before you saw my show, you were like, he's not gay. And then you saw the show, and then what's the conclusion? Well, I mean, you did show us your pubes yesterday.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 I mean, but you're the second comedian's pubes I've seen. Eric Andre was first.
There we go. Whose were nicer?

Speaker 2 You know, he's dating Emily Radikowski, and you're not.

Speaker 2 Just,

Speaker 2 I mean, just because I got you that book out of love, I think I'm going to say yours.

Speaker 2 You have nicer pubes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 What about is did my act make you feel like I was gay, though? Is that from the pubes? No, no, that was just like the one and only thing. The rest of your act, you

Speaker 2 gave me all the good vibes of just

Speaker 2 Ari, it, yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 Wow, wow, yeah, it's a new generation. Yeah, may I explore to that? Oh, no, of course, explore

Speaker 2 back at the pond.

Speaker 2 Back at the pond, right?

Speaker 2 So, probably

Speaker 2 you're straight. I mean, have

Speaker 2 have you thought about?

Speaker 2 Yeah, everyone has. It's 2023.

Speaker 2 You know what? I love this guy so much.

Speaker 2 I love this guy so much.

Speaker 2 Have you thought about what?

Speaker 2 That's my roommate, actually, who I've lived with for two years.

Speaker 2 That's what they tell their friends. Correct roommate.
Yeah, yeah. No, dad, it's my roommate.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who's your roommate? When you were a roommate. Can you bring your roommate out?

Speaker 2 Roommate. Come on, roommate.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. 100%.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 He came in like fucking Sean Hayes.

Speaker 2 Whoa, dude. I've never said he's a sitcom gay.
Yeah. He just walked in.
Hey. All right, so.

Speaker 2 Wait, hold on one second. We got to.

Speaker 2 Rudy, will you swap with him and let him do the mics off yes just so we get for two minutes? Just for two minutes. But we do want to talk to Rudy when she gets back.

Speaker 2 So this is,

Speaker 2 what's your name? I'm Nick. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 You know, you know what Nick rhymes with. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you guys sleep in bunk beds? We mega bed sometimes. What's mega bed? What's a mega bite? I mean, we have two single beds and just push it together.

Speaker 2 There's no heating at our school.

Speaker 2 Who buys breakfast?

Speaker 2 I make breakfast. Who does? He makes it.

Speaker 2 He makes the breakfast. Yes, Yes, he does.
Yeah, yeah. There's no shame in this.
You know what I mean? I mean, him and I have done that too. Yeah.
We've mega-bed. Yeah.
Oh, we saw your shirt that.

Speaker 2 We've seen the shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've mega-bedded. We've done some stuff.
That's right. Yeah, so, you know, you guys should feel good about yourself.
You feel good about it.

Speaker 2 About whatever you got going on. You know, and you both want to be in film? Yeah.
I feel like they're going to make movies together. We have? We have made movies.
We have. Yeah, yeah.
And Davies.

Speaker 2 What do you mean you make movies already? You already done it. We've made like short films.
I like that. Can we see them one day? Yeah, if you have.
direct and write. Yeah.
Yeah, I write.

Speaker 2 These guys are going to give us jobs down the road. Well, I mean, in fact, if you guys write a really good short script, maybe Andrew and I could be the stars.
Oh, 100%. How great would that be?

Speaker 2 So down for that. Yeah, yeah.
Are you guys available next? No. Nope.
No, no, no. Talk to my agent.

Speaker 2 Give them our own fun. Thank you, boys.

Speaker 2 Thank you, boys. Very good.

Speaker 2 Man, this has been fucking weird as shit. It's the weirdest show we've ever done.
It's the weirdest fucking show I think we've ever done in our fucking lives. Butcher Box.
Oh, I love meat.

Speaker 2 I am a meat eater. And also, Andrew, I like high-quality meat.
Yes. That's how I like to eat my meat.
Yeah. You don't want cheap meat.
I like good meat, baby. Yeah, so ButcherBox does that.

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Speaker 2 With Vroom, you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you. You know, I have a new car, right? Where'd you get your car, Bob?

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Speaker 2 right? These, and you go out to the Burberbank, Pasadena, right? And the salesmen are weird. Hey, look at

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You never have to haggle or negotiate the price of a car. So you know you're getting a good deal.

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Speaker 2 Now that we're back to normal show,

Speaker 2 Tito's out. You're still dating that guy.

Speaker 2 You're getting paid big bucks to work in the Dean's office. Life is good.
What's next for you? You're not coming on the road with us. You're not doing bad friends live.

Speaker 3 I can't.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Too famous, too rich. No.
I see your follow count.

Speaker 2 How many followers do you have now?

Speaker 3 Let me check.

Speaker 3 110.

Speaker 2 110,000. Damn.
You know how many comics we know that are legitimate comics that have 30,000? I know. 20,000.
Yeah, well, you deserve it.

Speaker 2 You worked super hard to get to where you are. And now,

Speaker 2 when you're on campus, do you wear a mask?

Speaker 3 Sometimes, like in the classroom, I do, but outside.

Speaker 2 When you walk around outside, does anybody on campus recognize you?

Speaker 3 Last tuesday i was like just walking around the campus and then like two guys like just stopped in front of me and they said wait are you rudy wow wow and what'd you say

Speaker 2 yeah are they cute

Speaker 3 they're fine yeah yeah and then and did you have a conversation with them or you just kind of walked off like a hollywood star no i said yeah and i said hi and then he was like oh I thought you were going to work at the bookstore because I work there.

Speaker 3 He went to the bookstore because you used to work there i don't know but he he worked there already oh he already worked and then he saw my name on the list

Speaker 2 and then he was like i was so excited but then you didn't come sounds like a stalker yeah sounds like away from that yeah stay away from that yeah he's a murderer so that's the only time you've been recognized on campus

Speaker 2 huh interesting

Speaker 2 what

Speaker 2 what's wrong it's just she's all grown up it's sad yeah but she's gone she moved out she's she's a you know yeah she got really fat i mean it's just like everything changed. You gain weight.

Speaker 2 You've gained so much. You're so much fatter than you used to be.
Yeah, yeah. When we first saw you, you were just a tiny little thing.
Now you're a fucking whale.

Speaker 2 I mean, Brendan Fraser's got nothing on you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, there's a lot of good foods here.

Speaker 2 Bring up a picture of Brendan Fraser and the whale. And you look almost exactly like this.

Speaker 2 This is basically you. Yeah, yeah.
I think that looks exactly.

Speaker 2 I don't.

Speaker 3 I don't feel any double-chin here.

Speaker 2 I got to be honest with you. I can't tell the difference between that and you right now.
Did you see see the movie? No, but I've heard it's so good. I want to watch it.
We're just kidding.

Speaker 2 You're welcome. We're kidding.
We're joking around, you fucking weirdo. What are you talking about? What an idiot.
That does look like you, though, though, you fat piece of shit.

Speaker 3 That looks like.

Speaker 2 He almost died gaining the weight. I mean, I know he's wearing prosthetics as well, but he also gained so much weight for this role.
Yeah. Would you ever do that? Yeah.
Yeah, I know you would.

Speaker 2 For an A24 movie? Yeah. That'd be 3,000 pounds.
I don't give a fuck. What if they told you the risk of dying was 50-50? I'd rather die.
Than what? Than just killing you. Then not be in the the movie.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
So if they said, we'll give you, it's not going to pay that well. It's not going to capacity project.
I'll do it for free. Wow.

Speaker 2 If it's a great project, I'll do it for free. You're willing to die for the project.
Yeah. That's wild.
I mean, is there any director that you would work for just and go all the way like that?

Speaker 2 No, I'm saying I would go all the way, but if the risk was that I was going to die, Score Sace. So Score Sace calls you, right? Yeah.
Hey, Marty. Hey, how you doing?

Speaker 2 Good. It's Marty.
Oh, hey, Marty. How you doing? I'm wonderful.
How are you? I just want to answer. When I asked you the first time, you know, I said, How you doing?

Speaker 2 Then you said, Marty, Marty, and I was like, I want to know what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, sorry about that. I'm sorry.
How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Pretty good.
Great.

Speaker 2 Yo, so can I say yo?

Speaker 2 Sure. I'm Italian.
It doesn't come naturally. Right.

Speaker 2 Anyway, me, Pechy, De Niro,

Speaker 2 right? Leo. Uh-huh.
Doing a movie. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's called The Hunt for Red October 2.

Speaker 2 It's in the submarine. Oh, wow.
That sounds sounds awesome. Yeah, Leo's going to play Russian.
Right. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 the Alec Baldwin part, you know what I mean? Is going to be De Naro.

Speaker 2 Okay, cool. Is he not available?

Speaker 2 He's in the movie. Baldwin's not available, though.
No, he's not. Well, he already did the first one.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 I want you in the movie.

Speaker 2 Can you send me a script?

Speaker 2 You would really say that.

Speaker 2 Sorry?

Speaker 2 You would really say that?

Speaker 2 I mean, I want to read what you... Did you write it? Who wrote it? Hey, it's me, Marty.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you what the part is? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got to gain 1,000 pounds.

Speaker 2 You're playing a submarine. Oh, everyone's inside you.
Inside you. Is this a gay porn? No, it's not gay porn.
Marty. They come in through your butthole, though.
I kind of like some of this. Yeah,

Speaker 2 and then, you know, and then the U.S.

Speaker 2 You know, you're a Russian submarine.

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee is going to play the U.S. submarine.
No, North Korean. We changed it to North Korea, right? Yeah.
When Bobby Lee was attached,

Speaker 2 yeah, Bobby Lee's a North Korean submarine. I'm sorry, Marty.
Bobby Lee's attached. I'm out.

Speaker 2 Have a good day. Bye.

Speaker 2 Really? Yep. That's your line.
If he attached you before me, I'm out.

Speaker 2 You know, that's what, you know, honestly?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No,

Speaker 2 I think that's how you really feel. Shut the fuck up.
Because you're doing so well right now. I'm so proud of you.
Shut up. I already know you are.

Speaker 2 Why don't we give Andrew Santina a run? Well, he's doing real big movies and, you know what I mean? One after another, house party, the one with the fucking me time.

Speaker 2 You know, you're at this new movie. Was the definition of jealousy? Is that what you just pull up?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm not jealous.
I'm supportive. It says, raise his voice immediately.

Speaker 2 I'm so happy for you, man. It's so good.
It's so exciting. Looks away often, continues to repeat the same word over and over.
Fuck that. That just says stuff, man.

Speaker 2 It says stuff like fantastic stuff, man. Yeah, yeah.
It's right there in the definition. No,

Speaker 2 I would gain weight and do a fucking thing for a role, but it also would have to, like,

Speaker 2 the gaining weight thing would be tough. Why?

Speaker 2 Because I feel like you just. Would you rather gain weight or lose weight like fucking Christian Bale did for the machinist? 100% lose weight.
I would get weight. He almost died.
I know.

Speaker 2 He ate an apple a day for like a year.

Speaker 2 And a can of tuna. An apple a day and a can of tuna.
That's Christian Bale in a movie. He looks good.
Yeah. Zoom in on a photo.
What? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's he lost all that weight for this fucking movie. Then he did Batman Begins after that.
Right after he did Batman. So he had to gain like a thousand pounds after that.
How crazy is that?

Speaker 2 It's fucking nuts. It's insane.
Look at that body, though. He would like shit a tic-tac.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know who has that body? Tony Hinscliffe.

Speaker 2 Tony Hirsch.

Speaker 2 He gained weight in Texas. Tony gained a little weight in Texas.
He does. It looks a little weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 what an actor. Fance.

Speaker 2 Yep. They saw you.
Fancy, thanks a lot for bringing the kids into the show, man. That was great of you, dude.
We really love it. Yeah.
Thank you. We love it.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did great.

Speaker 2 And where were you for fucking 30 minutes? I was getting fired. From the university.

Speaker 2 Did you really get fired? For bringing them here. Did you get in trouble?

Speaker 2 Are you going to get in trouble? Of course. It got really weird.

Speaker 2 Huh? It got really weird in here. This whole episode has been one of the weirdest episodes we've ever done.
Yeah, yeah. Like, by and large, I feel the risk.
It's so surreal. So weird.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Weirdly enough, parents love it, and then they follow the show. The mom and dad.
Well, because they're also daddy. That's their paragraph.
We're trying to go for it. Mom and dads?

Speaker 2 Well, the parents are our age. That's the fact.
Exactly. Yeah.
Because they're all 19 and 22. Right.
And their mom and dads are fucking 50.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So you.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Wait, let me. Hey, kids, how old is your dad?

Speaker 2 50.

Speaker 2 What did you just say? They're younger than you.

Speaker 2 All right, that was Sam. That was Sam.
You know, that was a sassy fucking sound. I know his fucking voice now.
Sam. Sassy fucking bitch.
He's a sassy bitch. Younger than you? Yeah, you know what?

Speaker 2 That's his new nickname. Sassy Sam.
Sassy bitch. You sassy bitch.
SB Sam. SB Sam.

Speaker 2 That's your new nickname, dude. Because of that fucking thing.
How old is your dad, Sam?

Speaker 2 53. 53.
That's older than us.

Speaker 2 I was trying to be funny. Oh.
Oh, that was sassy, too. That was sassy, too.
You don't know a joke? I was trying to be funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fucking asshole, dude. I love that guy.
I love Sam, dude. He's permanent fixture of this fucking show.
I think so. I think we found a replacement.
For who? You know who.

Speaker 2 For me? No. I know.
I know. For the other one.

Speaker 2 Not you.

Speaker 3 Why are you looking at me?

Speaker 2 Because,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you.

Speaker 2 I want to do a little throwback sentimental stuff real fast.

Speaker 2 I remember when you first came on this show, because now this is probably one of the last episodes you're going to be on this show. You're never going to come back, are you? I think so.
Pretty rarely.

Speaker 2 When you first came on this show and your only goal was to make sure that Tito Bobby didn't go to a drive-thru or didn't go to CVS. Yeah, so he won't die.
So he wouldn't die.

Speaker 2 That little moment in time turned into

Speaker 2 one of the greatest relationships this show could have ever wished for. And somebody did a little compilation, I guess, we want to show you.

Speaker 2 Let's see it. Closer to the mic.
Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you.

Speaker 2 Closer to the mic, Jules. Fuck.
Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 2 Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
Instead of trying. Jules, Jules, see how there's this much space between

Speaker 2 the mic. Get closer to the mic, Juliana.
Get closer to the fucking mic.

Speaker 3 That was a lot. I don't remember Tito Bobby seeing it.

Speaker 2 He yelled at you every episode.

Speaker 3 Have you brought girls over, Tito Bombi?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No?

Speaker 2 Good question. No.
Yes, he has. No, I haven't.
Yes, he has. Tonight? Tonight.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 To clean up. Because I need somebody to clean up Bombay.

Speaker 2 Wait, so you have someone to come in over? Is she going to sleep over? Yeah. Wow.
I've had already the same girls spend the night at the house.

Speaker 3 But they don't, like, they just leave at 2 a.m. I hear them.
No, they don't.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You hear them? Yeah, some of them do. But this one stays the night.

Speaker 2 One time she spent the night. She's going to spend the night.
Why?

Speaker 2 It's good when they leave at 2 a.m.

Speaker 2 I'm just curious. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Because I hear them. Like, their stubs.

Speaker 2 Do you hear us?

Speaker 2 The moans?

Speaker 2 No. Okay, good.
Because there's a name. I'm Christian.
What are you guys moaning about? You just moaning at each other? We watch movies. Oh,

Speaker 2 come in, I'm coming. Watch out.

Speaker 2 When someone, yeah, when someone's a, it's a, it's always like Murky. Come, I should do inferno you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

Speaker 3 Are you dating someone seriously?

Speaker 2 No. Yes.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
Who? Me. Yeah, Andrew.
But no, no, no. I'm not.
But you know, there's...

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll be single for a very long time, I think.

Speaker 2 Have you ever cooked for a woman? No. Never once.
I can cook. What can you cook?

Speaker 3 Spaghetti. There it is.

Speaker 2 Spaghetti. My sauce is good.
Yeah. Do you make sauce from scratch or you just open a can of ragu and call it your own? You want to tell me? Can I tell you what I do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. I take that wooden thing.
Would that's very vague. What? That's That's very vague.
I know, but what is it?

Speaker 2 A cutting board? Exactly. Okay, all right.
I didn't even have to say it. Well,

Speaker 2 you already knew what I was saying. I did.
Cutting board. Got it.
I go to the store. I buy veggies.
You buy veggies. I buy veggies.
But are you bringing the cutting board to the store with you?

Speaker 2 Are you doing it in the shop?

Speaker 2 I bring it just to see if the vegetables fit on the cutting board. Yeah, that makes sense.
So I'll lay it down at the

Speaker 2 vegetable section,

Speaker 2 right? And I'll lay things down there. I'll go, it fits.
That all fits. Yeah, yeah.
People act, but I'm. I'm glad I brought the cutting board.

Speaker 2 So I bring, I buy onions. Got it.
Mushrooms. Got it.

Speaker 2 A whole garlic.

Speaker 2 What? No, no, I like it. Basil.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Basil.

Speaker 2 How do you say it? It's basil. It's not basil? It's basil.
Oh. How do you say it? Basil? Exactly.
Yeah, it's basil. Okay.
Potato potato.

Speaker 2 That's patutu.

Speaker 2 So you buy it. So

Speaker 2 I buy that. And then what I do, I buy ground beef.

Speaker 2 Why are you you laughing? I love ground beef. Yeah, but I get the ones that lean.

Speaker 2 That's sideways? Yes.

Speaker 2 It just does this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like the packaging, it's all on one side. Yeah.
It leans to the side. Yeah, it leans to the vest.

Speaker 2 And because I don't like when it's filled or it's in the center, it's got to lean.

Speaker 2 Full beef is bad. Lean beef is best.
Yeah, I lean the beef to the best. And what I do is I bring it, I bring pasta, just the dry stuff at the store.
You buy dry pasta. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You get the wet one.

Speaker 2 I like it wet.

Speaker 2 Really? I like it dry. I like a wet noodle.
Yeah. I dry it out.
I'm a wet noodle. Yeah, okay.
Yeah. So I bring all that stuff home, and then I take the cutting board

Speaker 2 because I bring it to the car because it's, you know, it's in the car. Yeah, yeah.
I forget in the car always.

Speaker 2 Yes, I will get it right. Got it back up.
And then I chop. Choppy, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, right? And so.

Speaker 2 It goes like like this.

Speaker 2 When you chop up the vegetables, go there. No.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You went there. No.
Yeah, yeah. So you chop it up.
You're on ice. You chop it up.
Do you use chopsticks when you chop it up?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I did that. Stop it.
So I chop it, right? And then I put olive oil in the skillet. Very smart.
Thank you. And then I put the garlic in, low simmer.

Speaker 2 And I start simmering the vegetables, man. Okay.
Right?

Speaker 2 Is that my boring you? Where's the sauce?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I forgot to buy it from the store. I got to go back.
You got to go all the way back. Yeah, I'm going to leave the cutting board because it has nothing to do with it.
I think you should bring it.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I put the because there's already chopped vegetables on it. Bring it.

Speaker 2 Put saran wrap over it. No, I bring coal.
No, I'm not doing that. I'll take the cutting board.
I already did vegetables. Look, I already did it.
Now you have to bring it.

Speaker 2 You have the cutting board with vegetables already put in the book. I don't know why I would have a cutting board full of vegetables at the store.
Why not? Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm at the fucking pasta aisle. aisle.
Here you are at the pasta aisle. All right.
What are you buying?

Speaker 2 I don't get Barillo.

Speaker 2 You don't like Barillo. I just don't like the name.
Barillo. Yeah, yeah.
Which one do you like?

Speaker 2 I like,

Speaker 2 I don't fucking, it's light blue. With a yellow little label.
Yes. Ronzone.
No, it's Ronzone. Runzone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I get that.
I like spaghetti. I don't like any other kind.

Speaker 2 Only noodles you like are spaghetti? I like the thin ones. Cussile angels.
Go fuck it sauce. Fuck off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bow tie, fuck off.
Falco, fuck your sauce. Orchette, fuck off.
Go fuck it.

Speaker 2 Noki.

Speaker 2 Gnocchi. Don't like it.
Stay. Noki can stay.
Oh, it can? Yeah. Okay.
Okay. You're welcome.
Thank you. So you got your spaghetti noodles.
I bring it back with the vegetables.

Speaker 2 Did you buy the sauce this time, or did we forget it again? Oh, fuck! We forgot it again. Yeah, yeah.
I went back.

Speaker 2 And I get, so I get. At this point, we should just go to Olive Garden.

Speaker 2 I get the Truffle Company, though. Truffle.
That's a sauce company. Oh, right.
Truff, yeah. Trough, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I i get that and then i um so anyway i simmer the um vegetables this is that garlic all that stuff i drain it a bit all the excess oil and stuff and then um i put the meat in and i i stir up the meat to it and then i drain it again with the vegetables and the meat and then i put the sauce in the fucking thing i cook that up meanwhile i'm having the fucking i'm doing the fucking pasta part what's going on over there

Speaker 2 I just put the pasta on the fucking thing. On the what? I'll just write on the fire? Yes.

Speaker 2 It doesn't seem to work. It's so crunchy.
For some reason, she said she likes it. Yeah, yeah.
So burnt pasta is your thing. No, I put water, and I have a timer 11 minutes.

Speaker 2 Right, so you know down to the science. Yeah, and I also taste it just in case.
I don't like it too.

Speaker 2 You want it soft. But also, I don't like it too soft.
It's got to be perfect for me. I have a way of doing it.

Speaker 2 When I stick it out, I stick it in my mouth. I go, that's it.
How do you know? I smile.

Speaker 2 I go

Speaker 2 like that. Do you think, like, do you think perfect noodle measurement is in your blood? I think so.
Like, you're born with it. I think you are, too.

Speaker 2 You're not? Not the way you are. Thank you.

Speaker 2 You're a noodle king.

Speaker 2 Thank you. You are my noodle king.
So I drain the pasta, I put the sauce on it, I eat it. And you serve it to this scumbag.
Well, no, she always eats the leftovers. Yeah, she loves it.

Speaker 2 Just put it in a thing, and then in the refrigerator, she'll eat it. Yeah.
Tupperware. Mm-hmm.
So that's the only thing I can cook. Spaghetti.
Yeah. Will you cook it for this girl?

Speaker 2 No. The girl that's coming over? No.
You don't want to cook anything for her? No. Now, is it a kind of girl that gets you to cook for her?

Speaker 2 She has to deserve it.

Speaker 2 And she's not made it to Bobby Cook for you rank? No, I've never cooked for anybody. No one's ever reached that level of fucking trust.
I know.

Speaker 2 Not even the K.

Speaker 2 Almost. She didn't get there after eight years.
I want two fingers in the butthole.

Speaker 2 So one finger is going to get you order in. It makes me come.
your fingers.

Speaker 2 Are you going to order in with this girl tonight?

Speaker 2 You're going to go out? No, I order in. What are you ordering for her? Either maestros or boa.

Speaker 2 Fancy boy.

Speaker 2 You're spending that money. I hate that side.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 What do you cook?

Speaker 2 What do I cook?

Speaker 2 What do I cook? Bro, that reaction right there

Speaker 2 is the reaction somebody has when they're about to kill somebody for the first time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like in the mafia, I mean, it's your first kill. I cook.
What do you do?

Speaker 2 What's my favorite meal to cook?

Speaker 2 What are we doing here, man?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Oh.
Oh, what do I cook? I cook.

Speaker 2 I'm at your house. What are you doing here?

Speaker 2 Hi, happy birthday. Oh, is it my fucking...
Oh, it is. Hey, thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Cook me something. Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's your birthday. Please sit down.
Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what.
I'm in your living room. I got

Speaker 2 spicy Italian sausage. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, spicy Italian sausage. It's hot, by the way.
That's how I like it.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, you're in my house, so chill out.
Okay. Peel these potatoes.
I have to. Yeah, you should.
I don't know how. You never peeled a potato before? Do you have one of those mechanisms?

Speaker 2 Your teeth. Oh, you do with your teeth.
Well, look at those things. Like the Irish do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Peel potatoes, cut them into cubes.

Speaker 2 Get some chicken stock. I'm cutting.
Salt, pepper, throw that in there. Onions, bell peppers,

Speaker 2 carrots, a mirepoix, if you will. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. Throw that thing in there.
Am I still doing the zigzag? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. One potato?

Speaker 2 Two potato. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.
Cut it up into fourths.

Speaker 2 Boil it.

Speaker 2 Am I doing that? I don't understand what you're doing. Are you doing anything or am I getting all the stuff? I'm smoking a cigarette, giving you orders.
I'm just smoking the corner.

Speaker 2 I'm still on the fucking potato. I don't even know dicing.
I don't even diced it yet. There's knives right there.
All right. Dice, dice, dice, put it in the fucking thing.
What else? Carrots?

Speaker 2 Cut, cut, cut, chat, cut, chop. Now cut the fucking, cut the Italian sausage, put the Italian sausage in the pan.
Cook it up. How do you like it? Burn it.
No, but how do you like it chopped?

Speaker 2 It's already cut up.

Speaker 2 It's a ground. It's ground Italian sausage.
All right, put it in there. Yeah, let it cook.
Okay. Is it cooked? I don't know yet.
Throw everything in the pot together right now. Hurry up.
I did it.

Speaker 2 Is it in there? Yeah. Good.
Let's go out to eat.

Speaker 2 I see. It's for the dog.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's for the dog. Just cook it.

Speaker 2 I cook food to have it at the house of the animal.

Speaker 2 Not for me. I'm going out to eat, baby.
We're going out.

Speaker 2 Anyway. All right, listen.
What a ride it's been.

Speaker 2 But I will say this. It's great to have Rudy Jules back.

Speaker 2 I'm sad that we're not going to see you that much. So do me a favor and in the camera, sign us out.

Speaker 3 Thank you for being a bad friend.