The Old Man in the Pool

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Learn more at professional.dce.harvard.edu slash Spotify. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I bought a tape. All day, every...
I bought a tape.

You bought a tape?

I bought a tape.

I don't even get the bit.

I know.

It's terrible.

I bought a tape.

I bought a tape.

I bought a tape.

Can we talk about your attire or what's going on?

My retire?

Your attire.

My attire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about it?

I mean, it's...

It's not good. What's not good about it? It just looks...
Slick. He looks like it.
It doesn't even look slick. He just looks like a guy, like a homeless guy found a bunch of new clothes and just put them on or whatever.
Okay. All right.
What is wrong? Do you really think you're going to call me homeless guy? What are you so angry about? You're wearing a got ran over by a dump truck beanie and a pre-worn Guns N' Roses band shirt. You don't even like Guns N' Roses.
Na-na-na-na-me? Oh, yeah, you do. Right? Na-na-na-na-na-me? That's because it sounds Asian.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They stole that from the Chinese, I think. Yeah.
That means, get over here, dinner's ready. No.
When that part happens in China, they play it, 50 women come out of nowhere and go, What, what, what, what you want? What you want? What, what? I saw we eat your pick on roll Roll. What? Didn't even know how to say it.
Anyway. Juicy got those red socks on today.
I wanted to match with Bobby. Hell yeah.
Excited to be here. Thanks for everybody viewed my special cheeseburger on Netflix.
Bobby is going to watch it at some point. I love it.
We'll never see it. You'll never ever watch it.
I'll watch Fries. Your third one.
It's going to be it at some point i love it uh we'll never see it you'll never ever watch i'll watch fries your third one when fries come out i'm gonna love it well what's second shake yeah shake is actually kind of a good name that's a pretty good one shake and then fries yeah you know there's actually meeting there's meaning to it the cheeseburger no no i don't understand no because people on people have been saying it's good. It's all right.
It's doing pretty good. I was at my manager's house and our son saw it, Kobe, and he goes, dude, it's really good.
And he saw other people's podcast because I don't like the other ones that we're friends. I don't want to name names.
But he goes, I listen to yours and he goes, you're smart guy. Thanks.
Yeah, yeah. That's fun.
Excited. Excited to be here tonight.
We're excited. The tour is getting locked in.
I made that up. What's that? That whole thing of the manager.
The compliment. Yeah.
Yeah. I couldn't.
I'm sorry. But, you know, other people have said it.
It's okay. It's okay.
Na-na-na-na-nee. Yeah.
Okay, good. Yeah.
Because that always gives you a smile when I do it. Yeah.
We're not going to use any of this stuff. Yeah, it's good.
At the, I want you to go your energy is good Yeah, did you find your wallet just pokey yeah I found my I think that's what it was I felt really good about finding my wallet man. You lost your wallet in the CVS It's the the worst.
You know, losing your wallet is worse than losing your phone. Double time for me.
My wallet is my phone. All right.
So, yeah. Don't lose that then.
No, I know. Your life is over.
But don't you think that the wallet's worse than the phone? Because the phone you can go buy and then you can iCloud everything back, right? Right. But with the wallet, man, it's like the credit cards, the ID, all id all that shit you got what else i have a couple of checks in there like check like uh yeah and then look this is the wallet got stolen i mean i it just dropped out of my pocket and i had i don't know 200 bucks yeah a couple hundred bucks in there no it's some more there's my 300 hundreds of dollars what not good well give? Not good? Well, give it to her.
That's a lot of money. That's all for Juicy.
Put it on the table. She can have it.
Here's a hundred. Here's a hundred.
Give her a hundred. Here's a hundred, man.
Really? Yeah. Yeah.
You gotta take it. You don't have a choice.
Because I feel great that finding it. And then.
We'll give Max a hundred back there. He's back there.
Hey, Max, come over here. Max, come over here.
Are you a hundred? Get a hundred dollar bill as an Arsenal fan. He just started school.
Come here, man. He just started school.
He just started school But do he started a new school Yeah get a textbook I don't know how much they cost But get one God bless Get the one with the biology thing Good job Max what do we say Right What do we say Max Thank you Bobby Whoa Give me the hundred back A generous man Me Always a generous man I don't even care Because I am so happy i found this because friday night at the friday night what happened was we finished this podcast yeah then you left i stayed here with andre we scoured the fucking place i went back to the cvs i checked the parking lot with my the light on the phone for like hours i every crevice in the parking lot in the parking lot then i had to cancel my date with that girl Yeah Right And spots And spots Came back here till midnight Looked at every like You know What do you call the brown stuff? Poop? Yeah Yeah I took Yeah I took every piece of horse poop that was out there Yeah Cause this brown is This is brown Horse poop Horse poop In case the horse ate it Yeah And shit it right back out Went to a deep. I was like, I can't move on.
I had to drive. Then my accountant lives in Marina del Rey.
And he goes, hey, Bob. That's what he sounds like.
No, he doesn't. He sounds like this.
Hey, Bob. Yeah, that's good.
He's 104 years old. I spoke to him on the phone.
You can hear his breathing machine in the background. Yeah.
He can't die. But I hope he doesn't die.
He will, dude. I don't want him to die.
He's so old. Anyway, so he goes, I'm going to San Diego.
You got to get here now. Drive early in the morning.
Cancel my cards. Get a new card.
I told him to get me some cash. And then today, this morning, they called.
We got it. And cash was in it.
Yeah. Wow.
They didn't touch a dime. Well, you wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know. know yeah that's what's good about you you're easy to rob so you have an alternative wallet as well you have a new side wallet no and then i had to get a new this is my old wallet and i put i got my new card and some other cash it's fine everything's good though i feel great but once you got the brown one back didn't you want to consolidate i'm taking two i got that yeah because if i lose one you know i mean i won't feel as bad i get it you should always have two wallets yeah that's my thing yeah do you carry what do you carry with you i have a wallet in my bag but like what is there a lot of shit in it um no it's just a few cards and then my cash this is how this is how i've learned to live after years of wallets what is that it's a it's a it's a magnetic case that goes on my iPhone.
Wow. Oh, it's an Apple one too? Yeah.
So if you'd lose that. Yeah, it's whatchamacallit.
No, it's got whatchacallit on it. MagSafe.
It's MagSafe. Yeah.
So as soon as I take this off, it'll say, if I'm on my phone, a notification will pop up and say, Andrew's wallet disconnected and it knows where it is. Pin drop.
Oh, that's amazing. Where do you get that? Apple.
Oh, I'll go. Yeah, they sell these.
But this is all I do. All I have is three cards.
ID, two credit cards. No cash? No cash? I keep cash in my front pocket.
Ah, I should do that then. Don't keep it in a wallet.
Because I bet you they took 20 bucks. They could have.

I have a picture in mine, too.

Is it of us?

I don't have no pictures of you guys yet.

Printed.

You should.

I see that Arizona ID.

I have two.

One of my mom and one of my best friend.

Oh, show the camera so they can see.

That is so cute.

And we're going to meet your best friend when we go to Phoenix.

Yeah, but do you have a Nokia or something?

You can't put your fucking photos on your phone?

I do, but I had a Polaroid for a bit, and I just ran out of phone.

I'm banned. I got banned from Bumble and Hinge.
What? What did you do? What did you do? I got banned from both dating sites. How? Let me just tell you.
I know what you did. No, what? Well, you probably, did you send a no-no picture? No, no-no picture.
What do you mean? Nobody flagged you? I've never sent a dick pic in my life. Should you lie about your age on Hinge? Carlos.
How do you know? I just assumed. So I was, people report me because I lie on my age.
Why does that even matter? Yeah, what do you say? Who the fuck cares? They, but they, they care. Okay, time out.
So in real, the real world, you're 51 years old. Yeah.
Let's all guess in the room. Unless you know, you can't cheat.
If you already know. How old I say I am.
Okay, I think you say, whoever wins gets another $100. Yeah.
All right. I say you say you're 43.
Very good answer. Go ahead.
I think you like the, like being older. So you say 65 you say 65 Okay that's funny That's a funny answer Okay Carlos I think he goes 39 39 and then 40 What is it? 35 Nobody won we all went over? No wonder they caught you and me You think you're 35? That's so rude the way you even said that.
Bobby, you're nowhere near. Google 35-year-old Korean guy.
Well, it's because that makes you younger than Andrew, which is unseeing. Dude, you are a cute little panda boy, but you are not 30.
Look at how fucking hot 35-year-old Koreans are. I never looked like that when I was 35.
Yeah, you did. No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.

I never looked like that. Those are BTS guys.
When I first met you, you looked

exactly like that. You looked exactly, when I

first met you, that was you. How come I couldn't get any pussy

then? Because. All they were in.

Oh yeah, BTS wasn't in

back then. Yeah, look at that.

Dude, we're the same age, me and that guy.

No, he's 40. Oh, he is?

How old is he? It says over 40. Actor's over 40.
But can I say what? Bobby, 35 is insane. Listen.
Okay. Okay.
But on the profile picture, in parentheses, I go, I'm actually 51. Okay, so that's funny.
Yeah, that's funny. Right? So it's like.
But they reported you? Yeah, but the reason why I did that. that Who the fuck reports that The reason why you did it is what Because when I first did it I said 51 I was getting no matches And the ones that I got were like They all look like Judi Dench But she's a dame I know she's a dame Like the youngest one looked like Tilda Swinton.
You know what I mean? And like this, I was like, oh, I'm fucked. Right? So I changed the age so that young, now, here's my theory.
Here's my theory, okay? Yeah. And this might sound creepy.
All right? I think it will. It feels creepy.
It was working. Yeah.
Because our fans, right, range from 20 in the 30s. I would say our best age is 25 to 45.
Exactly. But the 25-45, their age limit to look at other guys is 40-45, right? So I just wanted to get into the pool.
Yeah, you want to get, but now, but, yeah, but it's weird when the creepy old man gets in the pool. And you know what he does? And he goes, I'm just like you guys.
Does anybody want ice cream? You're right, you're right, you're right, right. So that's why they reported it, because the old man got in the pool.
And it's like, don't get in the pool, old man. Right.
That's what happened. That's why I downloaded Our Time.
What is that? Our Time's times for old people shut the fuck up yeah yeah our time is for old people wow yeah yeah so i'm gonna do look at how boring the website looks oh yeah look at how fucking boring so that's what you're saying this is the group now that i'm in kinda yeah yeah yeah i'm fucked then no you're good you're great Why? Because look at that lady up there. She's a witch.
Yeah, but I bet she... She's a Salem witch, dude.
From the old timey days. Look at that.
I know. She's brewing.
They're using us as models. What? These are the models.
Those are the models. I know.
Imagine what's on the fucking site, dude. She has a cauldron.
That black guy's 96.

Look at how good he looks.

Look at him.

I just think, I think here's the deal.

I think you should be able to say whatever.

I think they shouldn't say age shouldn't be on there.

If it's over 18, then age is like, well, it is what it is.

You can't say, because girls don't like to be asked how old they are.

Right?

Isn't that a thing you're not supposed to ask?

How old are you?

I like it.

You do? Yeah. But it's also this.
It's like anyone that's going to like me knows who I am. You know what you should have to say? Not based on my phone.
No one's going to swipe based on the photo. It should be.
You know what the tab should be? What? Under 100. Under 100.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good enough.
Yeah. I'm a legal dating person now.
You're single.

I'm under 100.

Fucking leave me alone.

Yeah.

Who cares if I'm 51?

Because you're still fucking hot.

You're still ready to fuck.

So all of these dating sites

and people that are snitching

can fuck off.

It's our time.

I have a question.

That's an ad for our time.

Yeah, go ahead.

What's the oldest woman

you've been with?

66, right?

Mine?

Yeah.

No, one time I was with... This is so funny so i was so um one time i was at the sack i feel bad for saying i'll fuck it well you don't have to say the specifics i was in a town sacramento that's what i was gonna say yeah you're in sacramento yeah but i don't want to say that.
So let's start from the beginning. Okay.
I was in a town. Yeah.
Right. In America.
Yeah. And I was with Kevin Christie.
Okay. So Kevin Christie was open for me.
He's your accomplice in the story. Yeah.
And after the show, you know, this is when this is probably 15 years ago. So things weren't great.
I could sell out maybe a punchline. That's a 200 seater seater that's good that's pretty good yeah i mean it was during those days and i used to do meet and greets at the end for free you know i mean people and this old lady gets in line and she goes love your comedy and i go oh thank you like it was like i remember it was so startling because i was like, she doesn't look like somebody that would like, you know what I mean? I've had those.
And she goes, shake my hand, young man. What's so funny? She said young man.
Yeah, yeah. And I go, oh, thank you.
And you reach out, it's just her pussy. And you're like, oh, my God.
Just a lip. Yeah, yeah, one of the lips.
She drapes a lip over. Yeah, I gotcha.
And she has a note in the hand. Oh.
right. So she walks away.
I, you know, I take photos of the rest of the people. I open up the note and it says the name and her number.
It's written on a Werther's original. Written in a Werther's original rapper.
Yeah. And one of her teeth is in there.
The paper was from the Dead Sea Scrolls. You had to wind it out? It was made out of, the line was goat milk.
You know what I mean? Or goat blood, anyway. Goat blood.
Goat blood. The joke.
But my point is, so then I go to Kevin, I go, do you believe this old lady? Give me her number. He's like, you should do it.
I go, okay.

He's a wise man.

He's a wise man.

I call her.

Right?

On her landline?

What?

Yeah, she had one of those rooms.

This is the next morning or that night?

Smoke six.

You had to call one of those boards?

Hello, transferring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then so I call her and then she she goes i'm babysitting my grandkids awesome right but i'll pick you up at you know the hotel at five why wouldn't she just come to the hotel and fuck we're gonna eat oh yeah i thought she just wanted to bang no i don't i don't know. I didn't even remember what she looked like.
I thought she wanted to just bang, and she was like, I'm coming over. No.
But so we're at this sports bar. Okay.
Right? And she goes, 58, 59? Oh, that's not as bad as you think. Yeah.
Right, right, right. Well, don't say the age, because now it'll be more fun.
We'll let people guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So go ahead So she was old She was older Yeah older Probably 25 years older than me At least Yeah yeah Under 100 Yeah under 100 for sure Yeah And out of nowhere she just goes Look No I swear to God At the fucking bar Right Were they were saggy. Yeah.
But the nipples were great.

Perfect.

They were like 22-year-old nipples.

Right on.

Yeah.

The rest of it?

150.

150 years old.

Yeah, yeah.

But what kind of sag are we talking to?

It was like whale's tits.

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

But the fucking nipples were like fucking, you know, sorority girl.

Okay.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I remember she had a lot of freckles for some reason No those are cancerous Those are freckles Of skin cancer Liver spots Right and then I remember I got a little wrecked And then so she goes Then we go into her backseat of her Bronco That's so cool she had a ford bronco by the way and i remember i had to scoot over toys her grandkids toys yes or hers maybe she likes no no what kind of toys tinker toys yeah a plastic red like fire engine truck okay you know i mean those kind of Lincoln Logs. I didn't observe it like, you know what I mean?

But then?

Yeah.

And then we made out in the second,

the backseat.

And then I called her

late at night

after my second show.

I go,

come over to the hotel

and she never picked up.

Oh,

so she rejected you.

Or she could have died.

She probably died.

And her ghost came over. She was 25 years older than you.
Do you think the girls you date might feel the same way? Oh, my God. Was that too much? I'm sorry.
Honestly, honestly. I feel like you were waiting for that joke.
So good. And I know you thought this is mean.
I was like, should I tell it? Yeah, yeah. I don't know.
And it offended me greatly. It was perfect.
But it's kind of crazy that how things have gone the other way around now. Shut the fuck up, man.
That's the world. Right.
I had one when I lived in Long Beach. My buddies and I would go.
There was a place called, I think it's Balboa. No, or Na down uh near uh belmont shore in long beach and it's like a little tiny overpass before you get to seal beach and there was a place yeah little naples that's it right there and then look up uh i think it's called the crow's nest it's an old like uh you're making this up i swear to god look crow's nest long beach it's an old um yep that's it right there oh wow the crow's nest so that is a notorious spot for what for fucking cougars it's a cougar bar oh we gotta go dude so here i was i'm 22 years old or 23 i'd like just moved did you know it was a cougar's bar when you walked in yeah we all everybody knew because because when you go when you live down in belmont second street is like uh it's party town and then naples is all the retirement retirement people yeah

so everyone jokes around like oh where are you guys gonna go to fucking crow's nest and one night

me and a couple buddies were like yeah we are gonna fucking go to the crow's nest yeah and when we

walked over there we thought well we have to do it now we have to commit and we walked in and

everybody turned and looked at us and we thought we should get the fuck out of here this is so this

is such a bad idea yeah yeah and we started drinking and we're like we'll have a beer and

and we'll see looked at us. And we thought, we should get the fuck out of here.
This is such a bad idea. Yeah, yeah.
And we started drinking and we're like, we'll have a beer and then we'll leave. Then we talked to a bunch of these women.
We got really fucked up. We started dancing.
This woman's like, you guys got to come back to my house. I'm divorced and I have a whole house to myself.
We can all party. And this woman was very, very sweet.
Sweet. What is that? What does this mean? Bad breath? She was bad looking.
Oh, I thought that was bad breath. What was the wrestler that had that as a thing? Was it Triple H? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, okay. She was not a, she was not a.
Yeah, yeah. I think it was John Cena.
She was very nice. We call them, in Spanish, we call them shrimps.
What? That makes no sense. Yeah, because you can take the head off and then it's bueno.
Yeah, butter face. Butter face.
We call them butter face. Yeah, but she was a shrimp.
Yeah, yeah. Because that's a way funnier analogy.
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Void in Ohio.

See show notes for details.

And by the way, in this world, she was a jumbo shrimp.

You understand?

All right.

I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

So she was a jumbo shrimp and we partied all night.

And then it was at the point where people are so drunk and stoned that they're passing out.

Yeah.

And this girl keeps, this woman keeps grabbing my hand to go into a room or go away from the group. And I keep avoiding and avoiding it.
Why, why, why? What? I mean, you're there to see the cougar. Yeah, but – You get the cougar's attention with the meat.
Uh-huh. Right? The cougar gets hungry and gets a hog while out, right? And then you go, no cougar? No, no, no.
I just didn't.

Don't expose her to the meat.

Well, but the meat went bad.

I had to go home.

Okay, all right. And so I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

And then she kind of assaulted me, if I'm being honest.

And she just grabbed my dick on top of my jeans. Oh, I love it like i mean grabbed it hard and i loved it i'll be honest loved dude it was so hot she just like started kissing me you got erect immediately i mean she just grabbed me and started kissing me oh my god and then and then i was like okay okay okay okay chill chill i got nervous and i was like stop it i love it and then my buddy colin he'll remember him i'm gonna get a phone call from him after this here my buddy colin's we were living together and he's like oh we gotta go i'm like let's get out of here man and everyone's kind of packing up and going outside to smoke out front and like get ready to start walking together and he says this is from his perspective because i i know what happened on my end but he goes i'm smoking a cigarette i walk.
I get to the street and he goes, I turn around and I go, where's Santino? And he looks up and I'm up in her room with my head out the window and I go, I'll see you guys tomorrow. And I slowly closed the window.
No. I slept over.
You did it? I had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun.
Oh, he's blushing. You're blushing.
Wow. How old were you? I was 23.
Oh, my God. What a great experience.
And she was no less than 50-something, 58 maybe. Wow.
But she had a fucking mansion. I mean, dude, she had just gone through a divorce.
You could tell. It must have been a six-bedroom house, like on the beach.
Wow. It was fucking huge.
And I had to sleep over. But I did have a panic moment in the morning.
Why? Well, I woke up. I couldn't believe I was there.
Were you drunk were you drunk the night before we were all drunk we were all all right so you sobered out you're sober well i knew what was going on yeah yeah but i thought when i woke up i got scared because i thought i have to like what do i have to do have to bathe her in the morning what do i have to do with her yeah massage her feet like do i do i owe her now because i'm her little boy toy like what do i do now right and i said i have to go to the bathroom and she goes okay and this is so fucked up but i went downstairs and she's like this bathroom right here and i was like no no i i just don't want to use the bathroom in front of you and she's like oh okay and i went downstairs and i ran as fast as i could to go home and i never talked to her again never saw her again well she took advantage of little old me. I was a little boy.
No, thank you. You ran down the street.
I ran as fast as I could. No, thank you.
I don't know what I thought she was going to come catch me or something. I don't know why I fucking ran.
She's with her walk or walk. In her wheelchair just speeding down.
I got so scared. I didn't know.
I ran as fast as I could to go. I have questions.
Yeah. Okay.
So when you woke up the next morning, right, and you're coming to and you're realizing where you are, right? Yeah. And when you looked at her, right, what did it look like? I mean, I want to know that feeling.
What did she look like? What kind of person did she look like? Yeah. So give me an example of a celebrity, but like, you know, and I can, let's start there.
Okay. Do you remember in, I know exactly what she looked like.
I'll tell you exactly what she looked like. You're going to give me three seconds.
Good, good, good. So I can look it up.
And I know this is real because he's Googling. I'm going to tell you what to Google the girl at the club that I did.

Will you Google Susan

Kellerman? Okay, here we go.

Do Susan Kellerman Beetlejuice.

Do Susan Kellerman Beetlejuice. I think that's what it was.

That woman!

That woman!

That is exactly

what she looked like.

The waiting room woman. Yes, that is precisely what you...
And she smoked in the morning, too. So just like this character from Beetlejuice, it's exactly what she looked like.
No, really. Because mine was...
I feel like that's not real. There's no way.
There's a bathroom upstairs on here. There's no way, dude.
There's a bathroom upstairs. Were you on bath salts, too? I mean, what the fuck, 06 Mine's Cherry Jones now Cherry Jones Oh that's what she looked like? Yeah Cherry Jones now though That's kind of what she looked like Cherry Jones now Oh okay Honestly? Yeah not bad That's who you get on your dating sites yeah cherry jones yeah yeah by the way what a name cherry jones yeah she's great but you know what i had a good time with that woman wherever she is and you know you know where she is right well she's with my cherry jones she go they're together they have a podcast good friends good friends yeah yeah the oldest person you've hooked up with, Juice? Mine's not as fun.
It's just like me being 19 with the 30-year-old guy. Whoa.
The women's stories aren't as exciting as the men's stories. You told me about this, gentlemen.
Yeah. A grade A guy.
Yeah. A sweetheart.
Yeah. A prince.
Real class act. But some girls your age, you know, because I've been dating been dating you know with girls that are in their late 20s and stuff she's she's a young she's she's 30 what are you 31 32 yeah but so i've been dating girls in the you know you've seen some of the dates you know and some of them said no i've hooked up with a 60 year old man you know i mean it's like some of their stories are wild yeah i think it's when you're like like in the 15 to 19 is like weird but then once you get even like young 20s but once you get in mid 20s and on it's like the age gaps i don't think once you get to 24 or 5 then i think a 25 year old with like a donald sterling you know like that isn't that remember that remember that girl that he was it was like at that age then it kind of like it just happens all you get used to it at that point.
Some 25-year-old is with some 74-year-old man. Like this.
She's not 25. But you know what I mean by that? It's like you see this constantly.
Yeah. She's 30.
He's 80. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that is what it is. And at 70 is when average men lose some of their sexuality.
Like your testosterone? A little bit, yeah. I think it happens at 40.
Yeah, I've heard 30. No, no, seriously.
Well, that's a personal thing. Not for me, baby.
51. What is it? It's a 51.
No, but what's the age that men just stop having sex, I guess? Never. No, there is an age.
70, 75. I don't know.
My grandfather was fucking until the end, dog. Really? Yeah.
He was, seriously. He had a girlfriend until he died.
See? Between 30 and 40. Yeah, 30 and 40.
That's when the testosterone falls, up 1% every year. Damn, it's like losing your eggs.
No, but can you Google what I asked you to Google? When do men- I mean, it's their- Yeah. What are you asking, babe? When do men stop ejaculating? Look at that.
That's funny. 75 to to 85 that's when you what when they like literally sexual life expectancy that's such a sad term I know your sexual life also by the way most people are dead by 85 so what's the fucking difference yeah but I bet you you're gonna be coming until you're 80 thank you 100% that's the best compliment you've ever given me I've given you so many good compliments but that's the years.
But that's a good one. All right.
I'll give you another one. Yeah.

Because to think that for the next 25 years, I'm going to be fucking, it feels like it's

worth living.

Of course.

Did you not want to live otherwise?

Yeah.

You know, I have to say.

Jesus Christ.

I have to say that I've seen documentaries and stuff where kids, they get a spinal injury

and then they can't have sex because there's no feeling down there. And in my mind my mind it's like I don't know how I would be able to exist in that state you're saying if you couldn't sexually use your penis anymore you don't want to live I don't know what about you if you couldn't use your chocha anymore and you couldn't have sex or have any sensation by the way not all people that get paralyzed you know there's plenty of paraplegics that still have function.
I'm not accusing anybody of anything. No, no, you're saying.
I'm not accusing anybody of anything. But what I'm telling you is you don't know, dude.
I don't know. Stephen Hawking.
He could fuck. Yeah, he fucked.
Are you sure? Yeah. He cheated on his wife and she left him.
Do you not know the story? This guy fucking, what is this? Diagnosed 21 years of age. No, no.
Look at... He cheated on his fucking wife while he was like fully handicapped.
So he's still fucked. He went to the island.
He went to Steen's? He's an empty boy? Yeah. See, look.
He's cheating on her. He denied it, of course, 11 years of marriage.
But look, he was in that state yeah well bob good to see you yeah yeah put that pussy on my face and he could still fuck oh wow he could still fuck look at him there that's him right there saying can i get can i get head yeah but can i get them head look at his face right he can't look down to see their expressions on their face i'm imagining. You know what I mean?

Well, this is what's even funnier.

Zoom in.

What is the expression he makes when he comes?

I mean, is it...

Does he go back to normal?

Yeah.

He can stand up for a bit.

You know what I mean?

Stretch his legs.

He's just jumping jacks.

He's just jumping jacks.

When he comes...

Can you imagine?

He's like this. He's getting sucked and he's just like.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah. It goes right back.
It's like awakenings. Yeah.
This is terrible. Amazing.
Well, we're going to hell. No, I don't feel bad.
If you tell me he went to Steen's. No, but what I'm saying.
He did. There's pictures of it.
There's pictures of him at Epstein's? Yeah. Whoa.
But I'm not talking about that, though. What I'm talking about is there are people that can't do it.
I know. And I think, you know, I would probably become very spiritual.
You might become like a great artist. What do you mean? Well, if you don't have to focus on fucking, you could focus on one thing for the rest of your life.
Right, right, right. And not have to think about dating and girls and losing your wallet and bullshit.
You would just think just about art. Well, I'm doing better in Warzone.
Yeah, you're the best Warzone player of all time. Look at my KD.
Look at this. Yeah, I see what you're saying.
What would you do, though? What would you do? Let's say you lose all feeling in your... You can't have any sexual pleasure in your organs whatsoever.
Would you live just to give pleasure if you could never receive I would live for sure I have lots of other things to live for I don't like it you made it sound like you don't you do so much to live for but here's can I ask you a question it makes'm not it makes me nervous whenever you ask me if you can ask the way you phrase it i know but it's like because i get a little uncomfortable i know so if a woman feels you know i mean no feeling down there through an accident or whatnot sure a guy could still make love to them no yeah yeah Yeah. I'm not saying anything wrong.
That's it for us. They could still have sex.
Yeah, but a guy can't because he can't get erect if he has no feeling down there. Yeah, you can because they can.
I mean, there's a... A pump? There's a bunch of different versions.
There's a lot of ways to do this. Yeah.
His mouth, his hand. Yeah.
No, but what he's saying... I'm just kidding.
No, but you can get... I mean, look at Stephen Hawking'shen hawking's eyes he's got a fucking he's got a hog dude he can't even do a fist dude no yeah he's typing the whole time oh yeah yeah yeah all right i'm fucking you i'm fucking you i'm fucking you that's true no dude there's scientific things that can help achieve erection not only just like boner pills stuff like it still works it's just blood flow yeah but also there's there's like pumps there's gels there's all sorts of stuff people can use so yeah you can still imagine imagine it's a wreck you can't feel anything and you're just like can you can you play on your game point well you get your I mean you get you're just looking well I'm sure you're not just looking like a psycho I'm sure or you would act you would kiss oh Oh, yeah, yeah.
You'd suck a tit. You'd engage.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
That's right. You'd suck a tit and engage.
Right. Apparently, you can have a lot of pleasure in your ears.
So they would. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So just do that. I want to say this.
Just not like that. Not like that.
Not like that. That would be so weird.
I had somebody. This is where Twitter.
Because Twitter,'re allowed to put up any photo you want. Right.
Right. I had somebody say like, oh, congrats on the special or something like that.
Yeah. And the picture, even the little icon, was pretty racy.
And I was like, wow. Like it looked naked.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Of course I come to find out when I click on it it's not it's it's like a skin skin colored bikini like it looked nude but it wasn't nude color bikini and then the one of the first photos or first whatever it says watch me play with my new punani and I was like oh I get what you're saying my new for I know what I know what it is yeah yeah I don't know she got a new one he got a new one oh well it's it was a trans woman yeah and so and so I was like does have a new car smell you think well they have a little kind freshener is hanging really good lemon zest I think that's brand That would smell really good. It's lemon zest, I think.
Oh, it's brand new. And so I was like, I wonder if there's a photo of it.
Because I do want to see what it looks like. Me too.
I'm curious. I've never seen it.
Yeah. So I scrolled down, and the fourth or fifth photo was that right there of the reconstructed.
Because I think, and then of course I Googled. I was like, do they tuck it in? It's like an Audi.
Do they push it as an innie? Yeah, yeah. And I had to Google like how they did.
Imagine if it was like, you're like buying a new car. Like you're a car lot.
Well, show me the cock facts. It's a pussy lot.
Some guy, you know what I mean? A plaid student walks out and says, oh, what do you want to see? Show me the cock facts. Yeah.
Let me see the history of the cock facts. I want to know what happened to the puss facts.
Oh, right. Show me how many accidents.
You're getting a used one? Yeah. Oh, you're getting a used one? Oh, yeah.
I can't buy new. Oh, right, right.
Days are tough. Yeah.
buy new Days are tough But I had to see what it looked like It's wild Let me ask you something I don't want to see one I don't want to see it I just don't want to see it right now I want you to explain it to me It Let me ask you some simple questions. Is it in the vagina ballpark? Very, very much.
Bing! It looks... Great.
Is there an opening? Oh, yeah. Bing! Yeah, yeah.
I'm already in. I'm already in.
Still a butthole, by the way. Butthole's right there.
Right. Butthole's still good to go.
But bing! That three. Bing, right? Yeah.
Is there lips? Oh, yeah.

Bing.

That's four, right?

And the final.

Right.

Can you still see some of his dick?

Yep.

Bing.

Oh, no.

Wow, wow.

No, no. It's still some there.

No, no, no.

Oh, okay.

But it looks, I will say, because I'm not making fun at all.

We're not making fun, by the way.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

It looked. Wow, wow It's still some there No, no, no But it looks, I will say Because I'm not making fun at all We're not making fun, by the way No, it looked No, we're not I'm serious We're science I'm being supportive But I had to look I wanted to know I was fucking curious That's human nature I wanted to see And it looked impressive Oh It's impressive how good they Google it Yeah Vroom Vroom, vroom, v vroom vroom vroom is the better way to buy your next ride you know andrew before i bought my car during the summer yeah i had to go to these lots and i went forget it forget it i'm going to vroom.com yep and it's so much easier vroom is the better way to buy your next ride go tell them about it withroom, you can shop thousands of cars right from your phone and have your next ride delivered straight to you.
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I'm a little bit worried because I've been gone so long. From where? I'm a little, what do you mean? I was out of town for a fucking month.
From here, I was gone. For three and a half weeks, I was gone.
I was a little worried because we did that benefit show for the comedy store, and the money was going to go to the, it still is going to go to the door, guys and girls. But I haven't been there to get the checks and give them the money.
So now, Richie was like, are you going keep this money? Oh, my God. I was like, no, I'm not going to keep the money.
I just haven't been at the club. They've been asking.
I'm sure. Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
Because I was like, Andrew just skipped town. Yeah, I left.
I took it. I spent it.
No, it's at the comedy store. But also, I asked if they could.
This is all semantics. This isn't fun.
But I asked if they could distribute it to them. And they said they won't.
We have to do that. I know.
That's what they told me. That's fucking a nightmare.
It's a nightmare. I was like, why can't you guys just give them the money? We made the money.
You have the money. Give them the money.
Why do I have to get the money then divide it up? You do that. What, you have to divide it? Bro, they can't do it because they say it's like a tax thing.
So we have to like, we have to just split it up. I'm just going to get cash.

I'm going to cash it physically

and just hand people cash.

We've hired a new door guy since then.

Well, he doesn't get it.

He doesn't get it.

No, I'm serious.

He's a nice guy.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck.

That was before,

he got hired after the show.

Yeah.

And the reason that the door guys and girls got it

is because of their work for that year,

for last year.

Yeah.

This new guy?

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Shout out Chris Riggins.

And you know what?

We're not going to do it next year now.

Because of that?

Because of this.

Because of this guy?

Yeah, because- work for that year for last year yeah this new guy fuck off shout out chris riggins and you know what we're not gonna do it next year now because of that because of this guy yeah no not because of the guy because of the way that they fucked us they fucked us now we're gonna do it again every year it feels really good yeah but people have been asking how people like when are we gonna get that money no they've been asking me too everyone forgets about it and then somebody will remember it and they'll be like oh yeah yeah because we have a check there that i and I haven't been to the comedy store in a month. Do you know what the check is? No, I have no idea how much it's for but I'm going to go get it.
Next week, when I come back, I'm getting it and everyone's going to get cash because I'm not going to fucking play this game. Make sure you have a list of all the names and stuff.
She gave them too. She gave me the names.
Oh, you did? Yeah, and I'm going to make sure that guy's not on it. How funny if you just never give us money and you do this whole benefit show every year that's kind of funny and get the credit for it yeah you think I would do that no all the work I put into putting it together no what a sad twist you watched a movie the other day Being There have you seen it oh wait wait wait wait bring it up because I want to see Being There you love that movie how many times have you watched that a thousand times times.
I think I have seen that. Oh, yeah.
I remember this movie. I remember this movie.
It's a great movie. Yeah.
Anyone listening right now, Bad Friends, it's a great fucking movie. Is it as good as my movie that just came out? House Party? Which one? Which one? So I went to go see House Party in the theater.
Great. And I went with my cousin and the old lady.
29% is fine. It's fine.
We're getting better. Yeah.
What did the Kevin Hart thing get? I think it was like 13. Oh, yeah, yeah.
So it's getting better. It's rising.
So we went to go see the movie. Yeah.
And I will say, I am not, I'm going to put this out in public right now. Okay.
I'm not making a joke. I'm joke I'm not making fun okay the movie's great it was deeply unfunny and downright tiresome Katie Walsh the trivia news thank you Katie Walsh okay no I'm not making fun but you know how we're in the first row with the bar you know with the bar where you can put your feet up do you know what I'm talking about yeah down below you is handicap Down below you is handicap seats.
Yeah. Now, most of the time, you can't sit in those.
They bar you from buying them. You have to buy them at the location because you have to prove that you're also handicapped and you need them.
Where is the premiere? No, no, no. This is just in theaters.
I was gone for the premiere. I was in New York.
Oh, so you went to go see it? I just wanted to go see it. I was like, let me go see it.
Let me go see it. I just want to see what it looks like.
Exciting. You're in a movie.
You're paying a ticket for the thing. That must be exciting.

No.

No, I knew what was going into it.

I was like, uh-oh.

I could feel it on the internet.

Uh-oh.

You know, I knew.

All right.

I knew, I knew, I knew.

Okay.

But I was like, I'd like to go see it in support.

Who cares?

It'll be fun.

Yeah.

So my cousin, me, the old lady, we go.

And we're sitting there. And 17, 20 minutes in, in comes a rather large group of handicapped people.
And most of the time, because those chairs are reserved for physical handicaps, you could wheelchair in. That's why there's seats missing.
But this was a group of handicapped adults that were with a person. And they were physically, not physically handicapped, but mentally handic a person and they were physically,

not physically handicapped or mentally handicapped.

And they were so much funnier than the movie.

It was un-fucking-real.

I was so,

I was having so much fun laughing with them because genuinely LeBron James

hologram,

come on. Yeah.
And he would start hooping and hollering like champ champ I was dying it was so much fun because this couldn't it's like you know how when like how can I follow that you know on stage it was like they were so fucking funny and then at the end he stood up and the credits are rolling and they're showing um uh bloopers yeah and he stands up and he goes like this one of the kids yeah kids he's a man yeah and he puts his arm wings out wings out and he literally goes hollywood hollywood in a hundred years of a golden cinema and a beauty i think he he thought he was you know how in the arc light they talk to you I love it he was doing a show and he and so we sat and everybody like people people literally went like this they got up to go and then they sat back down to see what would happen to see what he was gonna do wow and he and he kept going cinema in a golden age. Television.

Movies.

Cinema. And he kept saying cinema.

He said cinema like six times.

But his arms were big.

And he was actually a pretty big guy.

And we were like four feet away from him.

So a piece of me thought, what if he grabs me? Because they can

fuck you up.

Did you think that he was going to turn

around, see you? Because what are the odds? I don't think he really watched much of the movie. They were just having a good time.
Oh, I see. Like, they kept coming in and out of the room.
They left like six times. Yeah.
One guy threw popcorn on his buddy, like not all of it, but like a good amount of it. Yeah.
And he laughed and then he threw it back on him. They were having a fun.
Dude, they were having more fun than anybody could have had with the film. But this guy was my favorite because he was like, he was doing his like speech.
His like open speech. And then I thought, this has got to have some kind of ending or it's going to be a little strange.
So then he literally, in the middle of talking, it was so cool. He was like, the years have gone by, and he just walked out of the room.
Oh my God, that's awesome. How hard did you laugh? Well, we clapped.
Oh, that's amazing. No, we did, we clapped.
I'm dead serious. That's great.
Just to give him some love. I was like, all right, fuck yeah.
Yeah. But that was better than the movie.
Wow. And I'm not, look, I'm not being rude to the movie.
The movie was...

No, be honest.

It was, I didn't...

They tried.

We tried.

You guys tried?

I didn't...

You tried your best.

I'm not in the movie.

I'm barely in it.

But it just doesn't hum the way I wanted it to hum.

Right.

I wanted it to be good so bad.

I just, it was, there was really funny moments.

It's hard to make a good movie.

It's a nightmare.

It stinks.

Making a good movie is like the hardest thing in the fucking world.

But it's fun.

The first movie I was in, Harold and Kumar, I went to the theater.

it has to be a good movie it's a nightmare it stinks yeah making a good movie is like the hardest thing in the fucking world but it's but it's fun the first movie i was in harold kumar i went to the theater and i did the worst the worst thing ever wait what happened in that they hit you with something or someone no in harold kumar that's the harold kumar 3 they hit me with eggs they hit you with eggs yeah yeah but the very first one right my first movie i went to the theater bought a ticket I went to the premiere, too. Yeah.
But I went and bought a ticket. And when the lights went out in the theater, I thought people would, like, recognize me.
So I would do this, like, thing, like. You don't try to look at me.
I know. Do you hear me? And no one gave a shit.
You and I are the polar opposite. I have a hat, a hoodie.
I'm so scared. Yeah, me, I'm just, I'm dressed like the character in the movie.
I'm walking like him. You know what I mean? Yeah.
That was the last time I did that. No one gives a shit.
Well, no. That's why my cousin was like, what if somebody sees you? And I was like, people may recognize me.
Yeah, there you go. That was when I got hit by the eggs.
Yeah, that. I said, people may recognize me in the lobby, but they're not going to notice that I'm in the theater.
No one's paying attention enough in a movie theater to notice that's you. Right.
Although I will say this. Say it.
Just say it. Embarrassing.
Is it embarrassing? Not for me. Okay.
But there is a scene. It's a big party scene.
Yeah. And this is how you were reminded that you're in los angeles a girl behind us audibly audibly kept going oh that's me that's me that's me that's me no to her friend she was a background actor in the party scene and i dude i proof you can fucking we were sitting there all of us kept looking at each other like why is she doing that but it was it was under her breath but loud where she would go, that's that's me i'm right there i'm right there and you can hear her friend going i know i know i see it yeah i know i see it and she kept going oh i'm right next to that then she was sitting behind you not in front of you right behind me i match with i match with a girl right on her instagram you know the story the story You can title it Yeah It said I made it I made it Yeah I click on it And it's this Low budget movie She made it Right Did she make it physically And I had to watch it four times To see where she was in the thing You you see this much of her face in a crowd.
And I'm not kidding you. Right? Yeah.
Like less than Brian Callen in The Joker. Yeah, the back.
Is the back side of somebody? It was like this. And she was like, I made it.
I'm in Hollywood. She did, though.
Maybe that's big to her. What I'm saying is it's just a delusional thing.
It's a delusional thing. It's delusional it's a little much yeah but she did make it though to her to her i want to say something arrogant right now do it baby you want to do it baby if you have a line you can say that right if you're speechless you didn't make it don't you think or no no oh so you think you think if you're just- If you're working, you did it.
If your elbow's in it, your ear- You did it. You're a piece of the project.
All right, you're right. Yeah, that's how I feel.
That's not how you feel! That's not how you feel! Here's what it is. Yeah, yeah.
All levels of it are different, but also I think it's strange what that girl did, which is like yelling. Yeah, that's what it bothered you.
Well, it was weird. No, it's not weird.
It bothers you. No, isn't it weird? That's weird.
No, it's not weird. You're like.
No, I'm serious. No, no.
I don't care. Yes, you do.
No, I'm telling you. I don't care that she celebrated her win.
I just think it's strange to do it loud enough that other people hear. Yeah.
That's a strange thing to do. So nowhere in your mind you thought, I'm actually in this movie and I don't give a shit what the no piece of my mind actually went i'm in this movie and i don't want anybody to know i'm in this fucking movie yeah and so that irritated no but what i'll say is i feel like a jerk right now no no it's because everything no everything i'm saying you're going against and now i feel like a fucking part of the show i feel like a fucking asshole i thought i was being real and talking is how you feel.
But you know what, dude? I should have your point of view. They did make it.
Okay. She made it.
She made it. Yeah, yeah.
Congratulations. Okay, so I'll tell you one more what happened to me today.
In the Uber. In the Uber today.
Okay. The guy goes, he's wearing a Yankees hand or something.
And something on how New York came up. I said, oh, I'm going to New York in the morning.
And he was like, he's like, man, I love New York. I'm like, me too.
I'm going to go spend some time over there this year. I want to, you know, go there for a little while.
And he's like, you're going to move to New York? I was like, well, I mean, you know, informally. And he's like, wow, so you're leaving LA.
And I was like, well, I'm not, I'm not like leaving. And he's like, just giving up, huh? I swear to God.
He said, so you're giving up? And I was like, no, I mean, I'm not. He i'm not he goes all right well just fill me in i've only been here for a couple years like what is and he hasn't looked at me really once in the rear view yeah like he hasn't even looked me in the eye he's kind of speaking just as he's staring not like it would matter but like we didn't even make eye contact he was just staring and he just goes as someone who's only been here for two years what is it that made you kind of quit yeah and he goes is it relationships is it your career like are things just not panning out yeah and i was like no no i'm very happy i'm very happy and he was like yeah but what's making you like yeah what'd you want to say though what what'd you want to say the things that you're saying right now is what sounds good to people listening, right?

And you wouldn't say it out loud even in that fucking car. I could never say, I'm doing great.

Yeah, but you want to say it.

No, I don't want to say it.

It's just-

No, you do.

No, no, no.

But you don't say it because it sounds gross.

I want to say, yeah, I want to say-

But in your heart, what do you-

I want to say things are really good.

Too many paparazzi. I'm on leave-in.
Yeah. Well, there's an Uber X, so there's not much you can say.
say, yeah, I want to say things are really good. Too many paparazzi.

I'm on leave-in.

Yeah.

Well, there's an Uber X, so there's not much you can say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It's an Uber X.

All right.

Because if I was like, I'm doing great, so good, he'd be like, this is an Uber X.

Right.

And you didn't pay for priority.

Yeah.

Like he dropped someone off and then he got me.

Right.

So I couldn't say anything.

But I didn't want to, but it does feel weird when someone's like, so you gave up and you're like, no, I didn't. No.
Yeah. I didn't give up.
Yeah. No, I'm doing great.
And they're like, no, but you're giving up. Yeah.
Well, I'm not giving up. I'm giving up.
I'm giving up. He's right though.
I am. I'm giving up and I'm giving and I'm getting out.
Why are you doing that? Because it's just... He's not leaving.
He's absolutely not leaving. That's how gross this thing is.
He's not moving. I am.
You're not. I am.
It sounds like he is, though. You're not.
Okay. I think that was Bobby and that.
What did I say if you did? I don't know. I'm done.
With the podcast? Yeah. You're staying.
No, I'm being real. I'm not fucking around.
You're coming. You're coming to New York.
I'm not going to New York. Yeah, you are staying No, I'm being real I'm not fucking around You're coming You're coming to New York I'm not going to New York Yeah, you are No, if you had a job there I do No, you don't Yeah, we do We're shooting you there What is? I can't say it I can tell you off air No, you're not You're lying I swear to God I swear to God There's nothing that you could be shooting there That like you'd have to move there.
For three months, yeah. Okay.
Maybe more. No.
That's bullshit. Well, who knows? Well, why don't you just admit that you're afraid to lose me? As a friend and a homie, why don't you just admit that you're afraid of me going away? Let's explore that.
Nothing to do with the show. Yeah.
Just admit that you're sad that I would be gone.

I think what I'm sad about is like, you know,

I don't think that John and Paul did better after the Beatles.

They just kind of carved their own way.

Oh, wow.

Right?

But it's still not the Beatles.

Are you, John?

I'm whatever you want me to be in this.

I know you're going to make a joke. I'm Pete Best.
You know who you and I really are? What? We're Ringo and fucking George Harrison. That's fine.
Yeah, that's more. I'll be Ringo.
I'll be Ringo in the scenario. No, no, no.
I'm Ringo. I play drums.
Okay. What is she then? Oh, Yoko.
No. Bobby's Yoko.
Bobby's Yoko. Linda McCartoko Linda McCartney Yeah Linda McCartney

Yeah

So I was at

Same thing that happened to me

I was at a meeting in San Diego

And you know

No one knew

At this men's meeting

No one knew who I was

And afterwards

I bet somebody knew who you were

Maybe

But like

And sometimes

You know

After the meeting

I'm a guy from out of town

They go

Hey we're gonna go eat at this diner

So I go

I'll eat

They love diners

Right

And they ask me

They go

What do you do

Some guy asked me

Thank you. I'm a guy from out of town They go Hey we're gonna go eat At this diner So I go I'll eat They love diners Right And they ask me They go What do you do Some guy asked me He had overalls On older white man And I go I do stand up And you know This podcast He's like Yeah but you know Asian kid like yourself She gone to college man You wanna make money Don't you Is every white guy A racist in AA I I don't know.
He's like, you want to make money, don't you?

I mean, because these are dreams.

These are the kind of dreams.

You're sober now, man. You should take responsibility.

Go to college.

And I wanted to say what you wanted to say in that call.

Because I'm fucking killing it, bitch.

Yeah, but you can't say it.

No, because you're a loser.

So I went, you're right, man.

I'll think about it.

Maybe I'll go to Palomar Junior College. You know what I mean? And just like figure out a vocation.
But one day that guy's going to be taking a shit. Thumbing through YouTube.
Yeah. See you.
Not say YouTube. Everyone's on YouTube.
One day that guy's going to be taking a shit. Watching what? He's going to be watching Pornhub.
See you. And then be like, that guy's killing me.
His came true but that's is it the same kind of thing yeah it's fucking annoying it's annoying and you don't say anything well I mean look I bet you juice you've had this at your level even still on the come up where you're like and we're still on the come up that's the funny thing because I was trying to tell someone it's like it never stops but I bet you where you're at someone has said something to you where you're like no i'm like doing good like things are going good but they talk to you like it's like your little like yeah your little comedy bullshit dream is that do you feel that have you ever had that yeah i've had that i i've had it where like um people will be really nice but they'll be giving me all sorts of advice right Right. And I'm like, oh, thank you.
So paid regulars. Yeah.
That's got to fucking make you mad. Well, it makes me kind of uncomfortable because I'm like, I don't want to tell them.
I don't want to be like, I know. So somebody, an expression.
So somebody, I'm not going to name names.

But I was talking to you at the comedy store.

And when we departed, another comic came up to me.

Who is that?

And I go, I wanted to say this.

Oh, that girl?

She's got a career and you don't.

Oh, my God.

But because you forgot my name.

No, no, no. I don't know who she God.
But because you forgot my name so you didn't know

how to tell them.

No, no, no.

I don't know.

I wanted to like.

I don't know who she is

but I know who she is.

No, but it was like

one of those things

where it was like

I want to really just go,

no, that's the future.

Well, it's like,

have you ever had it

where somebody gives you

tags or joke notes

that you quite frankly

don't want tags

or joke notes from?

Yeah.

That fucking breaks my soul

to pieces.

When somebody. I've had so many.
Oh my God. When somebody gives you like a tag or a joke note that you're like do you think i would listen to you like the person you'd want to give you a joke note or a tag yeah that works in every career like the person you would want to give you filmmaking script notes directors they would never give them to you.
I have a text. I'm going to show you.

This happened to me. You've heard the phrase, those who can't.

Tag? Those who can't tag.

It's just crazy

to me when I've had people do that and you're like,

I would look like an asshole if I said

anything other than, oh, cool, man.

So this guy right here, right?

I tried a joke for the first time last week.

Okay. But that's, he's trying to

fix the joke. Yeah.
But I already knew what the problem was. Yeah Okay.
But he's trying to fix the joke.

Yeah.

But I already knew what the problem was.

Yeah, I see it.

That's not the joke, right?

So what I'm saying is I tried it the second time.

Now it's a part of my repertoire.

It's doing well, right?

Yeah.

But it's that bullshit that I get all the time.

It's the wrong thing.

Yeah.

It's the wrong thing.

You saw who it was from?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think this is a lesson for people in life to get back to listeners for all of our fans don't think you're bigger than you are is that what it is because when people think they're bigger than they are they think they can like a lesson I didn't see that coming well don't think that you can impart your shit like your shit don't offer advice unless somebody wants it yeah if I want to give a tag, because sometimes I like giving tags to my friends. I know them really well, but I always go like, hey, can I give you a tag? Because I don't want to just go up and give it, you know.
Yeah, but you know there's a rhythm to it. Yeah, you find a good time.
And also you get it. If it's me and him, it would be a...
You know when it's appropriate. Yeah yeah you everybody fucking knows everybody knows the rhythm of it where you'd be like if i came to you and i said privately i was like bob when you did that and the you know you know what you know what you know be fucking amazing yeah but you'd take that differently than when somebody just throws stuff at you that you don't know that well like griff does it all the time and 60% of the time he's right.

Yeah.

And I listen to him.

Yeah.

Sometimes I go,

I don't think so.

But like sometimes like,

oh, I'll try it.

You know what I mean?

But you got to do it in his voice.

I can't.

Try it.

Hey, man.

You got to do it this way.

Man, you got to do it this way, Bob.

So anyway,

wow, what an interesting podcast today.

We've been all over the place. Juice, how close are we to getting you in your own apartment? Really close.
I'm just waiting to decide what to do. Like when the tour comes out, if we're gone for a whole month, I feel like I shouldn't get the place right before we go.
Yeah. So I might wait to get the place after we get back.
And Juice, you can honestly, and this is going to sound, you're not going to do this, but if you literally needed some help financially, you can always go to us. Well, thank you guys.
You know that, right? But this whole thing is another stream of income, so it's already been such a great help. I'm calculating my income and everything, and I'm doing better than I thought it was.
I just want you to, your own place. We'll help you.
I think I can do it, and you guys are helping me. You know, you go so long with making so little that now that I'm starting to make a little bit more, I'm afraid to spend it because I'm afraid it's going to end.
But what's happening is I'm only getting more opportunities, so I just need to take the jump and the risk and just do it. So if you look at your bank account can see it'll rise in your savings yeah that's awesome yeah and i i think i'm ready to to get the place but now it's just a timing thing yeah well when we get back yeah because i i could get it i could like go out and look but i don't you think it'd be better to wait until after we're gone for almost two months probably maybe but also maybe it'd be nice to come home to a place that's yours? I mean, I don't think it'd be better to wait until after we're gone for almost two months.
Maybe, but also maybe it'd be nice to come home to a place that's yours. I mean, I don't know.
Yeah. We'll support it either way.
We'll figure it out either way because we want you to have your own place. It'll be really exciting.
Because at one point in your life, you're not going to ever live alone again. What do you mean? Well, you either get married and live with somebody or like Bobby, where you have a house Full of vigilante Fucking Filipinos Well they're You know This week They're moving It makes me What? Yeah they're packing It's so sad What? Oh god I think it's amazing It's not It's gonna be so lonely Wait where's everybody going? They got a house In the Philippines No In LA They're letting them stay Yes I thought you thought you were like a guardian.
I called. NSA I called them.
Wait, so they got a house. Yeah.
Oh, wow. The girls are gone.
Yeah, they're leaving. What would you like? Would you like me to move in? We should, we'd have so much fun if we lived together.
We would kill each other. No, because I'm never home and you're always home.
Oh, that's true. You'd be there and I'm never there.
Yeah, but then you're going to make me get stuff. Well, like what? Get the cheese.
You know what I mean? I get the store and get the cheese. Of course with you, I know we would fucking order Amazon delivery.
I know, but can I get the cheese for you? Yeah, get the cheese. Yeah, I want to get the Mexican cheese.
So wait, let's be real for real for a second Okay You are going to be living alone

Yeah

Are you a little scared

Of living alone

I'm really

It's sad

Bob

Because now we're like

I'm like

Take the lamp

Take the lamp

Oh my god

It's like that

Yeah

What about the animals

The animals are gone

All of them

The four dogs yes

Oh my god

So nothing's going to be

No animals

The cats are at the house

Yes

Are you going to get a dog

At the house again

No

That's it

Yeah

You're not going to miss

I can't do dog

You can see the next one. Yes.
Oh my God. So nothing's going to be, no animals? The cats are at the house? Yes.
Are you going to get a dog at the house again?

No.

That's it?

Yeah.

You're not going to miss it? I can't do dog.

You love dog.

I get so hungry.

But you're done.

Yeah.

So give me,

be real,

no jokes.

Your first thought,

when you think about

being in the home alone,

what's your very first thought

that goes through your mind? Silence. You can invite girls over.
Yeah, but... You know, what's great about my house now...
It is true. What's great about my house now, there's always people there.
And there's laughter. Communal.
and communal and camaraderie

a sense of family

yeah

and when that's gone

it's gonna be an empty

cold house

how can you change that

you know what you could do

is invite over more friends

I was gonna say

human trafficking

okay yeah

that's a good idea

okay

that's a good idea

that's actually a really

really good idea

that's what I was gonna say

but I think that's wrong

but I think you can invite

over more friends

why don't you

why don't you invite

more people over

Thank you. Okay, yeah, that's a good idea.
Okay. That's a good idea.
That's actually a really, really good idea. That's what I was going to say, but I think that's wrong.
But I think you can invite over more friends. Why don't you invite more people over? Yeah, maybe.
You know what you could do? You could do like the Pauly thing. Just befriend up and coming comic.
Let him stay at your house. Well, this is a message to all young comics out there right now.
No, no, no. Go up to Bobby.
He did that to you, didn't he? You stayed in Pauly's house? You stayed at Pauly's house. You stayed in the studio, right? Yeah.
Yeah, I paid rent. Yeah, they could pay you, right? And it was a part of his house.
It was a completely different building. But then you can do this where you don't make the guys and girls pay rent that live with you.
You just want the camaraderie and the family and the community. I'll tell the door guys right now.
Yes, Juice, do that. We can all stay with you? No, no, no, no.
Yeah, you can. You could spend the night one night.
I have a i have a bed one night well i can't move all my stuff i'm just trying to be real let's be real it's gonna be lonely i've got an idea yeah this is actually perfect this is perfect to what we just talked about juice gets out of her place before we go on tour stores all her shit at your house yes so when she comes back she doesn't have to pay for this place that she isn't living at she stores at your house then she spends a little bit of time at your house downstairs in the bedroom downstairs then when we get back I alert to cats no I love cats alright so you can stay there for how long so let's her put your stuff in for a couple months couple months two months okay what if I lived with you? Why? Like, in what way? I don't know. Like, I'm hanging out in the kitchen, and you come home with a young girl.
You don't hang out. You don't hang out in the kitchen, first of all.
Okay. I stay in my room.
You stay in your fucking room. Okay.
Well, downstairs, there's a bathroom and, you know, a bedroom, and you have all the little things. Fix things down there.
You're not going to, like, open the door and, like, move me or something me or something? And do what? Like a meerkat? What'd you say? Moon me or something. Imagine when she takes off and she doesn't talk to us.
I know. I can tell.
And then the boys call and they're like and Fancy's like, hey, Jesse, I've called you three times. We have to shoot tonight.
Where are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a text comes in from her phone and says, this is Jessie's assistant yeah Jessie will get back to you when she's coming around this is Jessie's assistant's assistant yeah or she comes to the store she sees us in the hallway and she goes the other way around oh that would burn she goes to the office kitchen way yeah well she's fancy like that I do that a lot I go through the kitchen way sometimes I don't want to say hi.
Who does it the most though? Out of YouTube? Oh, yeah. Sebastian's the king of that.
Well, out of me, I do it a lot. Yeah.
You and Sebastian both do that. But occasionally there'll be a night where you'll like talk to everybody and it's fun.
But Sebastian's like in and out. In and out.
Yeah. I do talk to people sometimes.
Sometimes I just want to go in the store. Because then you have to say hi to everybody on the patio.
What am I like? Yeah. You're very social.
Yeah, you love it. Yeah, you get there early and you leave late.
Thank you. It's fun.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Don't they ever like, I'll show you.
No, they don't do that. They don't throw anything at you.
No, they don't throw anything at me Never once has someone gone When you walk in Imagine Okay, but here's why Why? Because you walk in If they go Hi And you go Hey But if they went How do you say hello in Korean? Annyeonghaseyo If they go Annyeonghaseyo Annyeonghaseyo They'd be like There's no What? That's your piece Don't go No, he slipped That's right I slipped I slipped Let's do it again Annyeonghaseyo That was like my words Why don't you guys have little fun add-ins Like Japanese always like Because 20,000 years ago When they were developing the language I wasn't there Because if I was at that meeting I was at that meeting, oh, there'd be all kinds of crazy stuff. Whip, whip.
I guess you go, whoop, whip. Whip, whoop.
Yeah, yeah, different things. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.